#he’s making me so mad he’s pissing me off so much (the google doc is 4000 words long no end in sight)

[sincerelyneo]

birthday | h.rj

“so cover your eyes, i have a surprise”

💿now playing: birthday by katy perry

❯ summary: It’s your boyfriend’s first birthday with you. Too bad he’s too stubborn to tell you what he wants, leaving you to take matters into your own hands. Still, you’re certain the little blue set you have at the back of your closet will be just the perfect present for him.

❯ pairings: renjun x fem!reader

❯ genre: established relationship, smut, tooth rotting fluff.

❯ words: 5.9k

❯ tags: 18+ minors dni!, smut, lingerie, birthday sex, unprotected sex (wrap it up), slight begging, praising, heavy petting, reader uses she/her pronouns, renjun calls reader his girl, renjun is very smitten, reader dresses up for renjun’s birthday.

a/n: i’m in the process of going through my old google docs to find my old fics and repost them.

“Could you please stop being so stubborn?!”

It’s the twelfth time this week you’ve asked Renjun what he wanted for his birthday. You’ve asked the boy so much you swear you’ve had this argument in every part of your house: the living room, the bedroom, the dining room, and even the bathroom. But today, your boyfriend is adamant he doesn’t want anything in the kitchen. 

“I don’t understand you sometimes,” you huff, folding your arms across your chest and pressing your weight against the island. “You had no problem telling Chenle and Mark what you wanted, why are you giving me a hard time?” 

Renjun chuckles to himself as he starts placing last night’s leftover pizza in the microwave. 

You’re right — he knows you’re right — and he thinks about how willing he was to tell Mark about the new expensive shoes he had seen and needed to have. 

“This isn’t funny!” You groan. 

“Baby, I’ve told you a thousand times, you don’t need to get me anything,” he finishes twiddling the dial before turning around and pressing his arms against the counter behind him. 

You notice the way the arm muscles, that his short-sleeved t-shirt was exposing, tense and the way his veins become more prominent. He always looks so hot in the morning, hair dishevelled and eyes droopy from staying up all night just to fuck you. And you swear, if you weren’t so goddamn mad at him right now you’d fall to your knees instantly and fumble with his pyjama bottoms. 

“But I just want to treat you, Jun,” you whine, bouncing a little in distress. Renjun sucks a breath between his teeth as his eyes flick to your boobs.

He pushes himself off the counter and pulls you into a big bear hug, he was good at giving those, and the two of you always knew the minute he engulfs you in them you become putty in his hands. 

“You spoil me enough already by being my girl,” he presses a soft kiss to your hair and you almost melt — but then you remember, this is the twelfth time he’s played this tactic to avoid this conversation —  and you were sure as hell not letting him whither out of it once again. 

You untangle his arms from your sides and watch him smirk as they fall. This is usually the part where you kiss his nose and tell him to stop being so cute, but not today — you’re pissed. 

“I’m not falling for it this time, Huang,” you shove your hands on your hips, “so quit playing around and just tell me what you want.”

He huffs, “Baby, do we have to do this now, it’s early.”

“Yes, we’re doing this now! You’re not getting any younger!”

He rolls his eyes. He just doesn’t get it. Why can’t you understand that he doesn’t want you to spend your money on him? He didn’t need you to pamper him with expensive gifts just to know that you love him. He already knows that — you make it very clear to him when you're screaming his name. He finds it ironic actually, that you’re the one calling him stubborn yet you won’t give up on this. And that’s when he gets his idea. 

“I know what I want-”. Your eyes light up with joy the minute he says it. “-I want you to stop asking me what I want. Now that would be the best present to date,” and now they’re dimming. 

“You’re impossible, you know that?!”

“It’s all a part of my charm,” he winks. 

The microwave beeps and Renjun lets out a sigh of relief as he pulls out the hot plate. He takes a bite, mouth full and says, 

“I know you’re not gonna drop this, so we’ll finish this after my pizza.” 

Then he saunters past you and into the living room.   

You in fact did not finish that conversation after Renjun’s pizza. You did try, but your boyfriend was great at nuzzling into your neck and gripping your thighs tight enough to distract you. 

So now, you’re standing here, in your kitchen, on his birthday, trying to make him breakfast as a last minute surprise. It was a small but possible gesture considering he had not given you anything to work with. 

Renjun stumbles out of the kitchen half asleep, hair all over the place with his sweatpants hanging off his hips. He rubs his eyes, wincing at the shriek of the smoke alarm that had woken him up. 

The sight he found in front of him was you, standing on top of the kitchen counter, frantically waving a dish towel at the smoke alarm to get it to stop. You’re covered in flour from trying to make pancakes from scratch, smoke steaming from the frying pan.

When the screeching does stop, you blow out a heavy frustrated sigh dropping your hands to your side noticing Renjun. He’s standing there, leaning against the door frame with a wide grin plastered on his face; looking from you to the kitchen that looks like a bomb exploded in it. 

"What's all this?" he asks, eyes lit up to match the amused look on his face.

You give him a sheepish smile. Gesturing to the plate of black pancakes on the bench across from him.

"Uhm... Happy Birthday?"

“Ah, so you finally decided on a birthday present.” 

“Yeah, but I think I’ve ruined whatever it was supposed to be.” 

The two of you look down at the ruined breakfast. You’re embarrassed but he’s so sweet about it, and still offers to eat the pancakes. You tell him not to, unless he wanted this birthday to be his last.

He comes to stand behind you, wrapping his arms around and pressing into you so you have to land your hands on the island counter in front. He nestles in against your ear. 

“Thanks for trying though.” 

You look up at him over your shoulder, “Don’t underestimate me, Huang. There’s more.” 

“More?” His eyebrow quirks.

You nod and grab his hand to lead him into the living room. He follows suit, eventually flopping down on the leather sofa. 

“You didn’t have to do all this, Y/N.” 

“Shhh,” you dismiss him, "just no peeking, okay?” 

"I would never.” 

Renjun can't see, he's sitting there with his hands pressed against his face. 

You’re honestly starting to regret this whole thing. This wasn’t even your idea but it was Haechan’s suggestion to surprise your boyfriend with lingerie. Well, not exactly lingerie, he just told you to do ‘something sexy for him,’ and this was what you landed on.

Calling Haechan was a last resort, you were in a moment of crisis and panic about only having a week left to whip up your boyfriend a present. You were hoping your boyfriend may have mentioned something to his friends — but he hadn’t — so alas here you are. 

You’re saving this for last though. For now, you have his actual wrapped present for him to open, and you’re just praying he likes it. It’s hard to buy presents for a man who has almost everything. 

You set the wrapped present on the coffee table in front of him, and move to sit next to him, adjusting the black silk robe you put on this morning to hide his real surprise underneath. 

"Okay, you can look,” you finally tell him, watching his hands drop faster than you can blink but his eyes immediately get caught by the black smooth material riding up your skin. He starts raking his gaze over your thighs before bringing it to your face.

The black pupils in his eyes expand inside the brown, a slow pleased form of excitement tugging his mouth up at the corner to flash his teeth.

You’re anxious to see what he thinks of his gift, you just want him to unwrap it already so you can see his reaction. 

"Open your present," you whine at him taking too long. 

But Renjun’s more impatient than you. His fingers starting to toy with the drawstring of the robe around your waist, trying to tug at the knot there with a pout.

"But I want this one.” 

You push his eager hands away and he huffs, shoulders slumping as his gaze goes to the table with his bottom lip pushed out. 

"I’m sure you do," you tease, reaching over to pick up his present wrapped in patterned blue paper. 

"It’s sort of a silly present, but I thought you might like it,”  you explain, watching him trace his fingers over the wrapping paper with an amused smile. 

"I kinda don't wanna open it... it's wrapped so pretty.” 

"Please open it — the suspense is killing me.” 

His frantic skilled fingers discard the paper next to him as he tore it away. He then picks up the small leather book in his lap that's now exposed.  A bright, albeit kind of confused laugh bursts from him as he looks. 

“Flick through it,” you instruct, and he does. 

You bite your lip, watching him inspect it. It’s a scrapbook you managed to put together last minute. “Some of the pages are blank, figured we could fill it out together as we do more things.” 

"I love it" he butts in, looking at you with a grin as he keeps flicking through it.

He leans over to kiss you, but you press your finger against his lips to halt him, watching his brows twitch together as his lips pucker against your finger, "We went over this at Christmas, open your presents first or we'll be here all night — you can have a kiss once you're done."

In response to your rules, he slams the scrapbook closed, dropping it on the table. Then you’re being grabbed and yanked towards him so fast that you fumble into his lap. His hand grabs your thigh to hoist it up over him, so your knees sit on either side of his hips.

Everything is so fast; you barely have time to register it. His large hands are grasping at your jaw, while his fingers splay against your cheek until he's pushing his mouth against yours with a force that knocks oxygen clean out of you.

He's sucking in quick broken breaths through his nose, putting everything into the kiss that's harsh and tender all at once. His hands slip from your jaw into your hair, pulling you closer to him so your hands rest against his chest and you fist at the fabric. 

He tears his mouth away for the briefest moment. You’re staring at each other with eyes red and glossy. 

“So I take it you liked it?” you ask with a bite of your lip. 

He shakes his head while smiling before tugging you forward again. His tongue delving back past your lips, “Of course I fucking like it.” 

His hands drop from your hair to grope over your waist and hips to hold you against him. You haven’t even gotten to your last present for him yet and he’s already crippling with desire. 

Renjun keeps his mouth hovering close to yours,

"Like? No like isn’t the right word — it's not good enough," he manages between kisses, "I love it, I love you.”

"It’s not that amazing," you hush him as he paws at your back and tries to connect your mouths again. 

“Yes, it is, because you made it."

You hate (love) the way he’s always so sweet and reassuring. You know he does it for your reaction, to tease you and make your cheeks turn red. So, you try to escape him before he gets the chance to make a snarky remark about the blush on your cheeks. 

But attempting to lift yourself off of him causes him to immediately protest, digging his fingers into your skin through the silk as he tries to move his face to your neck to attack there instead.

You push at his chest, and he whines a pathetic sound that has your skin tingling, "Don't tease me baby please, don't be mean. It’s my birthday.”

"I'm not trying to tease you,” you shake your head, pulling back and shuffling off of him, but he won’t let you.

After a long battle, you mange to unclamp his stubborn hands while he stares at you with desperate puzzled eyes.

"Then stop moving and come here,” he tries to reach for you to pull you back down but you step away, moving further from the couch. 

His gaze darts from your feet to your face, wetting his lips while watching you intensely. You see him take his bottom lip between his teeth when you move your hands to the knot at the front of your robe and slowly start to slip it undone. 

His eyes flash wider and his fingers grip tighter around his knees where he's sat with his legs spread wide. You can feel nerves buzzing in your body, taking a coaxing breath as you lock your eyes with his.

"You ready to open your last present?"

The anticipation in the air is palpable, it's enough to have your fingers trembling with the way Renjun’s suspenseful gaze keeps locking on you. But the thing that’s making your heart surge the most is the emotion behind his eyes. 

You never do things like this. At least, you haven’t with Renjun. And even though he tells you every day that you’re so beautiful and so perfect, you can’t help but feel your nerves tighten. 

"You gonna show me what's under there?” Renjun encourages in a slow voice, full of rasp. You watch his chest jump with a breath when you grip the edges of the robe to pull it open.

He notices you hesitate, and his brows twitch together as he leans forward to rest his elbows on his knees, "Don't be nervous, ever. Not with me."

You compose yourself with his encouragement. But you still hold your breath as you let the robe start to slip from your shoulders, the silky fabric inching down as you open it until it hits the floor. Your heart hammers with every bit of skin being revealed as you stand there in a set of blue lingerie. 

It's like time stops. Renjun hasn't so much as taken a breath, eyes frozen on you, darting everywhere at once.

You start to tense up, but then he lets out a breath. He clears his throat a few times and opens his mouth to speak but nothing comes out; he just sits there with his mouth ajar. You glance up at him, feeling your heart accelerate and blood rush to your cheeks. On the other hand, it looks like Renjun’s brain has completely short-circuited.

Harnessing a surge of confidence from his reaction, you take a few steps to close the gap between the two of you. His eyes stay transfixed as they trace over every inch of blue decorating your body. You’re standing between his spread legs, and he falls back against the backrest of the couch with a slight thud.

"Do you like it?" You ask, keeping your voice quiet. 

"I - I, uh..." He swallows, then blinks once, twice, and then closes his eyes shaking his head like he can't concentrate, "Uh - fuck, I..."

"Everything okay, Jun?" You suppress a smile and watch as he takes a deep breath when his eyes drift open, and he smooths his hair away from his forehead.

"No, I'm not - what the fuck are you trying to do to me...baby," he stumbles over his words, taking you in with another once over like he can't believe it. Then he brings his hands up to hover near your hips. "So, this is what you finally came up with?"

You chew on your lip, face feeling hot from how flattered you feel over his reaction. You’re not sure what you expected, but you didn't expect him to be this well... stunned.

"I wanted to give you the best birthday,” you murmur, “so yeah, I bought it for you."

He breathes like the oxygen was kicked out of him, reaching for your hands and pulling you towards him until you’re perching a knee on either side of his hips and resting your limbs on his shoulders.

His hands hover near your hips again and trace down over your thighs, but he doesn't touch them — not yet anyway. 

"I don't even think I deserve to touch you in this."

"Don’t say that. Haechan thought this would be a good idea," you tell him, feeling his hands finally settle on your thighs and watching his eyes flash wider as his jaw clenches.

Yep. That was the total wrong thing to say to him right now.

You wait for Renjun to blow a blood vessel in his forehead, but instead, his eyes go down to your cleavage under the blue mesh of your bra and he takes in a slow breath.

"This is what she talks to my friends about?" he mutters to himself, and you try so hard not to crack a smile.

His gaze drifts up to yours again, and he swallows; moving his hands up your thighs to feel his palms over the straps and garters enriching your skin before his jaw softens. 

"Well... look at it this way" you coax him, keeping your tone gentle whilst you smooth your hands over his shoulders to rest against his neck, "You're the only one that gets to take this off of me.” 

Your words have your boyfriend lifting his brows, and sucking his lower lip under his teeth and that old bothered look melts away to a much more pleased one, "Just me?"

"Only you," you nod, feeling his fingers press harder into the skin of your hips when he rests his hands there.

"Forever?"

“Always.”

He wets his lips, leaning in more so your noses nearly touch and his rough voice whispers into the air between you, "Can I tell you a secret?"

You can only manage a nod, chest tight from how the atmosphere feels like it's strangling you. There is such an intense feeling, because he's looking at you with hungry eyes that also look flooded with heart crippling love.

His hands move from your hips to trace his fingertips up your back, “You’re the first girl who’s ever done something like this for me.” 

He trails off to brush his nose against yours, before nudging it against your cheek and keeping his lips just out of reach. You feel your eyes start to burn, that lump lodging in your throat as you exhale a shaky breath. 

"I’m so fucking obsessed with you, Y/N. You just wouldn’t believe it," his fingers ghost back down your back, and he keeps his stare on yours.

"Please shut up and kiss me," you burst your words out in a single breath, gripping the sides of his neck to tug him towards you and connect with his lips. 

It's like a rupture of pressure as soon as your mouths touch, and Renjun sucks in a sharp gasp through his nose; attacking your lips with his in a kiss that's desperate and frantic.

His hands go straight to your now bare ass, that's only covered by two measly straps of the lingerie, and grips it. He starts hoisting you up, your arms clinging around his shoulders as tight as your thighs wrap around his hips. He blindly makes his way towards your bedroom, trying his hardest not to trip over his own feet or walk into something with you around him. 

Both of your lungs are trying to suck in the air but become nothing but a ball of gasps and pants mixed with shaky breaths and trembling limbs. 

He manages to make it into your dim bedroom when he urges your thighs down until your feet hit the ground and he's the one that drops down to sit on the edge of the bed. You stand in front of him, weak at the knees and cloudy in the brain with blood rushing through your body like fire.

Renjun stares up at you, his cheeks tinted with the flush that's crept down his neck to match the cherry colour of his raw lips. You move towards him. It’s like you have a magnet in your chest tugging at you with all its force to get you closer to him.

"Turn for me. I wanna get a proper look at you — see how lucky I am,” he rasps out of breath, and the deep gravelly sound leaving him makes your spine shiver.

His hands on your hips urge you to spin around. You’re not sure how your legs are able to withstand it considering how jelly-like they feel. 

"I’m the luckiest man alive...God fuckin help me,” he whispers to himself and you can’t help but allow your whole body to erupt in goosebumps when his eyes burn into every part of your skin. 

He’s lust drunk on you. 

Renjun’s hands come up, going to the blue material hiding your chest from him. He begins letting his fingers follow the edges of it, teasing his digits over your perked nipples. He continues going down and repeating his brushing over the garter belt and panties, taking in each detail like he never wants to forget it. 

"I kinda don't wanna open it... you're wrapped so pretty," he murmurs, looking up to catch your eyes and mimicking his earlier words.

Your hands are shaking from the tension in the air. His knuckles graze against the front of your underwear, making your breath hitch in your throat. He drags his tongue across his lower lip, sliding his palms down the front of your thighs. 

“I don’t think I have enough words to thank you for today. But I think I can show you.” 

You can't take this anymore, and before you can think twice you rush forward, leaning down to grasp his face and clamber on top of him. You kiss him as hard as you can, the force making him fall backwards as his shoulders hit the mattress with a bounce. 

He only gives you a few seconds before he's flipping you. Climbing over you and ushering you further up the bed. When his lips detach from yours, Renjun pushes himself up onto his knees to look down at you perched between his legs.

His chest is heaving, hair all over the place with random strands dangling in front of his forehead. He moves his hands to throw off his t-shirt. You get drunk off the sight of him when he focuses on getting his pyjama bottoms off. 

He drops forward as soon as his legs are free, his large hands dipping into the bed next to your waist with your legs bent on either side of his shoulders. He turns his head to leave a trail of heated wet open kisses up your skin that makes your centre throb.

Every action feels heightened, so intense but gentle. His movements are heated but careful like he's trying to fuck your heart but love your body at the same time.

Your hands move to his hair, stroking through it as he moves his mouth to your other thigh, paying it the same attention. You gasp when he takes the strap from your garter between his teeth to let it snap back against your skin.

"Jun please..." you sigh in a wavering breath. 

"Okay baby" he hushes against your skin, moving his hands to grip the hem of your underwear sitting over the top of the garter, "Gonna be so good to you. Make you feel how I do."

You hold your breath when you feel him gently start to tug it down your hips. His eyes focus on his hands dragging the material down your thighs like he's savouring the moment. Then he’s sitting up on his knees again to lift your legs and remove your underwear completely.

He dangles the blue fabric on his fingertip, raising a cheeky brow at you, "Think I might keep these."

"Don't you dare,” you burst out laughing, swatting at his hand as he giggles to himself.

He drops the underwear next to you on the bed, moving his hands to slip under your back. You arch to help him while he feels around and uses his fingers to unclasp your bra. His gaze is admiring, watching it slip off your arms.

"Definitely keeping this too.” 

You roll your eyes, grinning to yourself. But that smile is quickly wiped away when his eyes lock on your face and one hand takes your thigh to push it against the bed and spread your legs further apart. He drags his fingers up your slit; tracing through the warmth and arousal that had already soaked into the fabric he'd since removed.

Your mouth falls open at the same time his brows pinch hard together, his jaw clenched as he lets his gaze momentarily flick down to his fingers exploring your cunt.

Your hips buck up when he focuses his fingertips against the sensitive nerves, making you feel like your clit has its own heartbeat as jolts of pleasure shoot through you. Renjun leans forward to rest his hand next to your head, dipping his mouth down to latch it around your nipple, nipping and sucking against it.

"Oh-, fuck,” you hiss curving your chest up as your hips start to squirm. He traces slow lazy patterns against your clit, "Renjun - please, don't tease me - just, fuck I need—"

Your words are cut short when he applies more pressure to your nerves, massaging leg-numbing patterns against you while his teeth give your nipple a gentle tug before he moves to the other one to pay it the same attention. You gasp at the cold air that hits the bud.

"Tell me how it feels," he mumbles against your flesh when he moves his mouth to drag his lips between your cleavage, "I wanna know how you feel right now, tell me."

Like your vagina is about to scream in agony if he doesn’t hurry up and fuck you.

"S-So good," you manage to pant out, squeezing your eyes closed as your hips rut against his fingers when he dips them down to slip through your dripping centre to tease at your hole. "It’s amazing b-but I'm going to explode if you keep teas-"

Renjun shakes his head, flicking his eyes up to stare at you under his lashes when he licks a wet stripe up between your breasts. 

“No, I wanna know how you feel-" his lips press against the skin over your heart, "-tell me how you feel about me."

You choke on a moan when he dips his fingers down inside your pussy at your silence, sinking his middle and ring finger deep as his hot forehead drops against your chest. 

"Tell me,” He groans, voice low dropping deeper as he relishes your gripping around his fingers, "please."

"I feel- it feels like - uh, god I feel —" you whimper when he curls his fingers, massaging inside of you at that pressure point that makes your stomach quiver. "I l-love y-you."

It comes out as rambling. You’re stuttering like a mindless lunatic — but the one thing you're sure of is that it’s the truth. 

Your barely coherent words make Renjun still his fingers, sucking in a heavy broken breath when he lifts his face to seal his mouth against yours. His hand grabs hold of your thigh to hook it around his hip as he shifts closer until you feel the weight of his warm length heavy against your pubic bone. 

"I fucking love you too," he pants out against your lips, his voice thick and strained, "So fucking much I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop."

You roll your hips up against him, threading your fingers into his hair, "I don’t want you to ever stop — I want you to fuck me, please fuck me."

The tight knot in your lower half feels like torture at this point as his fingers are still working slow. He hushes you when he sees the distraught look on your face and hears the muffled whines from you as his motions become very still.

"Shhhh," his hips lift back as his hand wraps around the base of his length. He teases it up and down your drenched folds, "I'm not gonna stop - I just - I don't wanna fuck you... it's not the right word. It's more than that. Need you to feel that it’s more than that.” 

He applies pressure with his tip against your pussy, holding his weight up on his elbow next to you so he can tilt his head up and watch your face. His heavy glazed eyes locked on yours with his brows hooded over them. 

"Please keep looking at me."

You fight to stop your eyes from fluttering shut, staying captivated by the way his pink lips part and the way they twitch to verbalise a silent moan when he inches forward a fraction to feel his tip slip past the threshold and into you.

Your brows are scrunched together in pleasure, fighting to keep your hips still as the moment feels paralysing. 

He pushes forward in a slow savouring motion. When he finally sinks into you completely, you stretch around him. His teeth suck in his lower lip between them, while a low skin-tingling moan echoes from deep in his chest as he stays still.

"Wrap your legs around me - I wanna be closer."

You do as he asks, tightening your thighs around his hips and resting the heels of your feet against his own thighs. You feel him sink even deeper and you watch the veins in his neck strain at the feeling.

"Please move" you beg, barely able to get the whisper out. 

Renjun struggles to keep his breathing even as he watches your face, slowly drawing his hips back, wrecking you as he rolls his hips forward in a motion to fill you again.

Your fingers tighten in his hair when your hips come up to meet his. He starts in a slow drawn-out rhythm, panting out a soft groan.

Your eyes threaten to drift closed again, the blissful feeling enveloping all of your limbs too much to stay conscious. Renjun ducks his face down, attaching his mouth to yours and you moan into the kiss which elicits a stomach-knotting whine from him.

Before you know what's going on, Renjun is rolling you, turning on his side with you facing him and taking hold of your leg to hook it over his hips. His other arm wraps under your waist and around your back. His hand reaches between you, grasping his length and placing it at your opening before he thrusts into you again making you cry out at the feeling from this angle.

He keeps you hugged close to him, connecting you with him in long deep strokes while his hand comes up to tangle in your hair and he presses his forehead against yours. 

"Stay with me" he pleads, "Keep looking at me. Look at how you make me feel."

You can only respond with a gasp that hitches in your throat when he buries himself into you as deep as he can, rolling himself against you as your nails dig into the skin of his back. 

His hand slips from your hair for a brief moment, to reach and grab for your hand which he guides down to the spot between your legs. You take the hint; letting your fingers find your throbbing clit and work towards unravelling the tightness in your abdomen.

"Oh- god, shit,” you whimper, shocked by the combination of all the sensations consuming your body. Your hips start to writhe at the feeling.

"That's it baby - you make me feel so fuckin good, I want you to feel it too," he pants, forehead slick with sweat while both your bodies feel like they're burning and his thrusts start to build with more purpose. He’s fucking into you at an erotic speed as if he's trying to spill out every feeling he has with his body.

Your stomach starts to tremble as warmth floods your lower half, and your muscles start to contract and flutter around him. It only encourages him to slow down the rhythm to drag out the feeling to a point you don't know how to handle.

You can feel him being swallowed inside of you with each thrust as your fingers slip down to where you’re joined. You toy with your clit helping your body reach a point where it’s trembling over the edge. 

Renjun finally caves, moving his face to bury against your neck, when your walls contract around him and your hips roll with his. 

"Fuck, Y/N".

His breathing gets even more ragged as every muscle in his body becomes tense with his movements. He begs muffled words against your skin; tightening his arm around you like he somehow needs you closer.

"Tell me you love me again.” 

You manage to stutter out a breathless "I love you,” heaving out the air in your lungs as you work your fingers faster and Renjun fucks you further in love with him — if that’s possible. 

"No, say you love me. Say my name, Y/N," he groans, pulling his hips back only to thrust them forward so deep you cry out. 

You rack your nails down his skin while your leg tightens around his hip to pull him closer. 

“I love you, Renjun. So fucking much.” 

His thrusts become more abrupt at your words. "That's my girl" he rasps. 

When he feels you tipping over the edge his thrusts quicken at animalistic speed. "Go on baby - cum - let me feel it."

You couldn't stop it even if you tried — you wouldn’t. 

You let out a scream from the back of your throat at the force of him and chant out a string of mumbles of his name. Your body convulses and shakes whilst you clamp around his length to which Renjun grunts at the feeling, whispering praises to coax you through it.

"Always so good for me — fuck!" His sentence gets cut short with a loud growl that sounds like it was punched out of him. His rhythm falters as he clings to you and sobs out moans against your neck.

He snaps his hips forward and sinks into you to grind his hips against you to linger in the feeling. His muscles shuddering and jolting as he gasps for air and his own orgasm punches into him. 

Hearing and feeling him in so much bliss is only dragging out the aftershocks of your own orgasm. You’re both a mess of limbs and shameless noises before you feel him still completely. His release erupts into you in warm spurts, his body twitching with each one.

You’re like a limp puddle, but Renjun stays clung to you, sucking in harsh breaths not daring to move and keeping your sweaty bodies tangled.

"Fuck, if not knowing what I want for my birthday means I get to have you like this, I never want anything ever again," he rasps, laughing under his breath and sounding delirious.

You can only hum in response, your mind too fucked out to even respond. 

You lay wrapped up in each other, and you know you need to get cleaned up, but you honestly can't be bothered. Enjoying the post-orgasmic pleasure too much. 

"Happy fucking birthday to me!”  he drawls, finally letting his face fall flush against the pillow.

#renjun smut #nct smut #nct dream smut #renjun x reader #nct dream x reader #nct x reader #nct hard hours #kpop smut #renjun scenarios #nct scenarios

[steddieunderdogfics]

This week's writer spotlight feature is: @maryofdoom! They have forty-four Stranger Things and forty-three Steve Harrington/Eddie Munson works on archive of our own!!

@mojowitchcraft recommends the following works by ArgentumCivitas:

Tessellation

Every Time: A Steddie Drabble Collection

Corroded Coffin - Live On Tour - One Night Only

He Carries Me Quietly

Higher Education

Mary is such a talented writer, I’ve enjoyed everything I’ve read by her. She’s an incredible story teller and very generous with brainstorming offering advice. - @mojowitchcraft

Below the cut, @maryofdoom answered some questions about their writing process and some of their recommended work!

Why do you write Steddie?

To quote Calvin, from Calvin and Hobbes, “I must obey the inscrutable exhortations of my soul.” But for real, though, it's because my bestie and writing partner called me up on Discord one night and said, “Mary, you need to watch the first episode of Season 4 of Stranger Things. Right now. I mean it. I think the show is in love with Eddie.” (…Some, shall we say, substances may have been involved.) However, I stick with it because I love both the boys as characters. I think they're interesting. They have a lot of interesting aspects about them to explore, both singly and together, and I think we're all enjoying that.

What’s your favorite trope to READ?

Mutual pining! Good God, give me so much pining that I think I’m in the forest. Give me so much pining that I need to use an oil-based paint on them. Give me so much pining that I’ll saw those two boys into planks and repanel my house. 

What’s your favorite trope to WRITE?

By far, it's when one of them has a crush on the other and is pissed off about it. There’s so much potential for sparky, interesting dialogue with other characters (and with each other) when the boys find themselves in that situation. And then it leads to interesting moments when they finally turn the corner and realize they’re not actually mad at the other one, they’re in love. 

What’s your favorite Steddie fic?

There are so, so many that I love. But instead of giving you one of the big ones, let me share this gem: Love My Way, by dreamspaces. It’s very short, at only 1,346 words, but sometimes a bite is as good as a meal. 

Is there a trope you’re excited to explore in a future work but haven’t yet?

It might be interesting to do something with “and they were roommates.” I haven’t truly messed around in that space, yet. I also haven’t done a proper enemies-to-lovers, either, mostly because I can’t stand to set up a proper enemy relationship at the beginning…but I am chewing on an idea at the moment that might necessitate that sort of opening relationship between them.

What is your writing process like?

 It tends to follow a very specific order of operations:

Get an idea from somewhere. Possible avenues for ideas include conversations with friends, news stories overheard from NPR, something that hits while I’m listening to music, posts on Reddit, anything that turns up from general blorbo rotation, the works.

Write down the idea in my notes app of choice (I use Evernote)

Begin adding more thoughts and concepts to the idea (sometimes even snips of dialogue, if they hit interesting)

Once the idea has reached a critical enough mass, transfer it to Google Docs and turn it into a draft (if it’s a one-shot idea) or an outline (if it’s a longfic idea)

FOR A ONE-SHOT: begin writing the draft

FOR A LONGFIC: begin writing the outline, according to the outlining method detailed in Tom Lennon and Ben Garant’s Writing Movies for Fun and Profit (this book is half how to make it as a screenwriter in Hollywood and half solid craft advice on how to write a screenplay, and though I don’t want to write screenplays and though I was very skeptical until I tried it out, this is the only method that has worked to get me to finish any actual novel-length works)

FOR A ONE-SHOT: when the draft is done, put it down for as long as I can and then come back to it and revise it, heavily, to make it better

FOR A LONGFIC: once the outline’s done, actually write the thing 

FOR A LONGFIC: once the thing’s written, put it down for as long as I can and then come back to it and revise it, basically rewriting it completely

FOR A LONGFIC: do the same thing again, and then again, pausing in between each iteration for as long as I can

FOR BOTH A ONE-SHOT AND A LONGFIC: once it’s to the point where I don’t hate it, get ahold of my bestie and writing partner and have her read it and crit it and tear it apart

(cry a little because her crit is probably right)

Implement the good changes and ignore the bad ones - sometimes we have a (good-natured) fight about which ones are which

Send it to my other writing friends for their thoughts and comments and incorporate those, in a similar fashion

Revise, again

Once it’s as done as it’s going to be, make a posting schedule (if it’s a longfic)

Get it out there, according to the posting schedule

Begin working on the next thing

Do you have any writing quirks?

I mean, I can sit here and say “Oh no, I definitely don’t,” but I’m sure that I do. I am sure I have a distinctive writing style, just as everyone else does, but I would have to defer to anyone who’s read multiple works I’ve written to pull out any specific “quirks.”I will note that I really try hard to get the characters’ voices down, in their dialogue. I don’t know that I always succeed, but I try.

Do you prefer posting when you’ve finished writing or on a schedule?

Oh, a schedule, ABSOLUTELY. More power to those of you who post when you’re done writing, but I am the kind of person who needs to have everything DONE and ready to go before I put even a HINT of it up online. You can see this from my writing process. It doesn’t lend itself nicely to just throwing stuff out there as a work in progress. 

Which fic are you most proud of?

Oooh, good question. I would have to say it’s a tie between the next two fics on this list. Tessellation, because I worked really hard on it (and because I figured out work skins), and He Carries Me Quietly, because I think it’s beautiful. The way it ends still gets me, even now. Not just because of the action that happens, but because of the words that I chose. I read them and I’m like, “...I wrote that? Damn, girl.”

How did you get the idea for Tessellation?

I mention it a little in its ending note, but I got the idea for Tessellation from a couple of places, one of which was the Steddie fandom itself. I love the idea of every single one of these 25,000+ stories about Steve and Eddie all being true all at once. Even the story of Stranger Things itself, as we see it on our TV screens, is just one possible version of the story that’s happening somewhere. (I truly believe that. I didn’t become an extremely lapsed Catholic for nothing. HECK THE RULES.)

When writing Tessellation, what was something you didn’t expect?

It was surprisingly easy to make connections between the six stories. It wasn’t like I was hunting for places to jam them in—they ended up falling into place very naturally. And I think my favorite one of these is when Steve, in the space story, is describing the spaceship that he pilots as “Rusalka class, she’s a good swimmer,” to Eddie, who presumably understands what this means in the context of the sci-fi world in which they live. 

What inspired He Carries Me Quietly?

It started as something else entirely—a whole established-relationship fic with the kids coming over to Steve and Eddie’s (either house or apartment) to play D&D, with an arc about a blind Max being included as kind of an oracle or super-NPC through Eddie passing her index cards with Braille on them, so she could be part of the game when and if she wanted to be. The whole thing was supposed to be told in flashbacks. I had a whole scene where Steve was figuring out how to bake cookies for everyone with whatever meager ingredients he had on hand. …Then it took a hard left into religious trauma, through some meandering means.  I guess it would be reasonable to say the inspiration, at that point, was seeing a tweet on then-Twitter with some speculation about how Eddie had come to live with Wayne. If it was the common (and unfortunate) queer-kid arc of being disowned by one’s parents. And then I thought, “Let’s go ahead and put Steve through that too, but let’s do it several years after it happens to Eddie, so that Steve has someone to guide him through the whole process.”

What was your favorite part to write from He Carries Me Quietly?

I think it was probably the opening, because of the rhythm of the sentences and how the sounds fit together with one another. I mean, if you choose to check it out, try reading the first few paragraphs out loud. It’s kind of what I think of when people talk about how writing has a cadence, or a musicality to it.  That, and the ending. The ending, starting with, “There’s one more thing that Steve wants to know,” was one of those things that just fell perfectly into place. I can see it so clearly in my mind: the two of them having a conversation, late at night in bed together, after a traumatic day. 

How do/did you feel writing Higher Education?

I love this goofy little story! It was part of a Discord server gift exchange in 2022 and my recipient said “College AUs are my jam,” so this is where my mind went. I wanted to consider a world where Eddie was the frat boy, instead of Steve. But if that were the case, the fraternity would have to be a pretty non-traditional one, wouldn’t it? The fictional Lambda House is based heavily on the fraternity house where I used to hang out in college. (It was at an engineering school and was populated entirely by nerds.)

What was the most difficult part of writing Higher Education?

The actual writing itself, honestly. Winter 2022 was a really difficult time for me, personally, and though I signed up for the fic exchange with all optimism and good wishes, it was a struggle to get everything done in time. 

Do you have a favorite scene and/or line from any of your fics?

One that really stands out to me is from Wrong Number, which was a oneshot I wrote based on a short conversation with some Discord friends. Picture it: Eddie and Jonathan and Argyle are all hanging out in the basement, and they’re all extremely high. Argyle, in his own way, can sense that something is wrong with Eddie. In order to get him to confess to whatever’s on his mind, they reference the pact they made that “anything said in the basement stays in the basement. It’s the law of the basement.” That just hits me as something so quintessentially Argyle. 

Do you have any upcoming projects or fics you’d like to share/promote?

Oh my, yes! I have two longfics in the pipeline that I hope to be sharing with everyone soon (or, well, as soon as I can get them through my Process). The Music of the Spheres is a Regency AU with a smoldering slow burn and an eventual happily-ever-after, while Home for the Holidays is a genre mashup: Steve’s in a Hallmark Christmas romance and Eddie’s in a psychological thriller. I am also rotating a couple more ideas in my brain that could potentially be longer works as well, but we’ll see how those go.

Outside of these questions, Is there anything YOU would like to add?

I think the esteemed and prolific two-time-Hugo-Award-nominee Dr. Chuck Tingle puts it very nicely when he says: “CREATE. BUILD. EXPRESS. CONQUER THE LYING VOICE THAT SAYS YOUR TECHNICAL PERFECTION IS BETTER THAN TRUTH OF THE MOMENT. FILL THE VOID WITH ART and do not fear because weve got your back buckaroo. we are ALL creators in our own way so LETS HECKIN CREATE.” Let’s heckin’ create, buckaroos. I’ll see you out there in the word mines.

Thank you to our author, @maryofdoom, and our nominator, @mojowitchcraft! See more of @maryofdoom's works featured on our page throughout the day!

Writer’s Spotlight is every Wednesday! Want to nominate an author? You can nominate them here!

#steddie #steddie fic recs #steve harrington #eddie munson #steddie writers #writer's spotlight #writer's wednesday #maryofdoom

[anarchy-flagz]

im coming back to the internet!

update post? im coming back to tumblr, insta, yt, etc again. soon i will be back to making up terms and posting the silly little flags.

anyway i need to talk about why a certain hashtag has been removed from many of my posts. and the reason i was gone in the first place. look, im not going to sugarcoat it, i was in an abusive relationship. im not going to go too much into detail but this person was very controlling over me and my system and was abusive to me and all our headmates. to people worried where me and all my friends went, this is what happened. i didnt want to say anything about it online while i was still with them because i was scared of them (and i still am.) i had purposefully not questioned our relationship until one of my headmates brought it up that their not going to change. which in all honesty they didnt. but looking back at the posts i made then, it was obvious something was wrong. firstly i had to break one of my blog rules of not giving credit to creators of terms/flags since terms belong to communities, not people. they always wanted credit for whatever they made, so i gave it because i didnt want to fight about it. also as sone may have noticed, my flags got very desaturated in color. they had this thing for really desaturated colors to the point where some of the flags they made couldnt even have the number of stripes counted because the colors was too hard to see. well he got mad at me for anytime i put even slightly bright colors in my flags. i know some of them are too bright, which is a topic for another time. but they was being somewhat ridiculous with it, making me change the colors on flags even if i already desaturated it. there was also one time they said my flag was ugly and remade it, which made me feel really horrible because i like the flags i make and for someone that i loved to say they hated it made me cry. i dont really care much if people want to remake my flags or hate on them, its just when someone that was close to me did it, it really hurt. also im going to keep this part short because i really dont wanna have to bring up other stuff they did but basically i never felt like they accepted me for who i am. it was not liking me because of i have too many genders and pronouns or because my orientation is uhh weird. like oh yeah make fun of me because my labels are stupid or becausse i put too many pronouns and shit on my personal google doc. also the um.. roleplaying (not going to elaborate on this.) they knew how much i care about making terms and flags but yet they ruined it for me. at one point i gave up on making terms and flags and even archiving flags or even adding things to my gender horad because i completely lost my confidence in all of it. shortly after that i started loosing my will to live. one day after something happened that pissed him off he quit talking to me and didnt break up with me. thats unrelated but it still makes me angry. i didnt want to leave them because i didnt want to admit to myself that i screwed up by getting together with this person. only reason i ending up leaving is because one my headmates did it. after that i realized something. i never loved them. dont go and find this person. just avoid them. if you see them out in the wild, just walk away. just please dont tell them i said anything or that im back online because im trying really hard to avoid them. i dont feel safe being anywhere near this person so i really dont want them slithering back to me. i know their not a very pleasant person to be around and that they do have a history of not only abusing us, but others to.. but please dont ask me for now atleast to make any type of call out post. its not safe me. hell, even posting this probably isnt safe. but im not going to hide this. because im not just going to suck up to them and cover for them forever. anyway have a good day/night everyone and thanks to anyone who read all the way through!

#anarchy-flagz #anarchy-flagz-boo-boo-bunny #tw abuse #tw trauma #tw selfhate #tw self destruction #long post

[frenchfrywrites]

Ok so I was thinking of what they would do if they were to be ghosts and they find themselves having a crush on the new owner of the place they inhabit--

I think Levi would be a very shy ghost, who was so glad that the previous owners left so he had the entire house for himself. Now he can do anything he wants and be alone and not have to interact with others!! Yay!! Except there's a new owner. I think he would be shyly spying on you, trying to figure out who this new person is and what their intentions are and accidentally dropping stuff as he passes through the house. (He drops a glass on the floor. You scream. He screams. None of you expected it.)

I also think he's so used to grabbing things and misplacing them he wouldn't even realize he is lowkey freaking you out.

He would be so perverted too, if you thought Luci watching you shower was bad wait until you hear about Levi, he's a whole ass freak. He watches you piss 😭😭. He's like "Woah!! That's so cool, I wonder if it's warm! *tries to touch the stream and ends up smearing it all over you/the wall*"

MC: 😑

Okay but when you bring the ouija and try to ask him if he is going to hurt you (you have a feeling he won't but you might as well ask), he's so self conscious!! He's also super ashamed of his freakiness. You ask him if he was who dropped the shampoo. He starts "S-O-R-R-Y. I-M. S-O. G-R-O-S-S-H-J-K-L-U-P-YES-NO-A-B-A-S-K-D-K-L-J..." and next thing you know the ouija is flying outside the window like a goddamn Frisbee. Ghost equivalent of a keysmash.

OMG AND WHAT IF HE DIED IN AN ARCADE. First of all: OOF. Second of all, that would be so funny though. You work the night guard shift an arcade, and you think it's a normal job until every friday at 12 am one of the games starts playing itself. (what is this? FNAF? i know.)

It's the oldest game of the arcade and the one almost nobody plays and it's playing itself almost perfectly, so you think the game is just not functioning anymore. Until you see the game ??? lose ??? on itself ??? and then something is thrown on the floor and you get shivers down your spine, someone screams "FUCK THIS SHIT!". And, oh god, is the game possessed?!

No. Leviathan just ragequits after losing.

Eventually after meeting him he asks you to play the game for him because his fingers are too ghost-like to properly press the buttons!! You make one (1!!) mistake and he's mad at you and you're just like. Bro I just work here😑.

ANYWAY anyway here is page 1/190 of my thoughts.

- ♟💙

ohhh my god if you chose to give me more, I cannot wait for your continued thoughts, because already I'm obsessed.

Levi would be such a shy ghost!!

Every thing he does is a complete accident and he freaks out as much as you do. Like every scare has been wildly unintentional. I'm sure the first few weeks are hard for both of you, as he'll forget you've moved in and just behave as usual. But once he does fully register your presence you're all he thinks about.

Definitely watches you all the time, gets off on stuff that you do, then cries because he's so self deprecating around his perversions. You'd piss and then 5 minutes later there's moaning, and a little later a sobbing sound is coming from one of your empty rooms.. safe to say you're terrified lmao. He'd also try to touch you, but since he's shy and scared his hands feel very soft and light causing you to question if there really were arms wrapping around you or are you going insane.

OBSESSED with Levi keysmashing the Ouija board. It takes forever to get a solid response out of him. He'd be swinging the planchette around wildly and throwing it around the room accidently when he gets too nervous. It'd be far better to have him possess your laptop and talk to him through a google doc or something.

I also love the idea of Levi haunting an arcade. I'm sure he's played every game in there, making the owners go crazy because they think their games are breaking constantly. I think your first experience watching him rage quit would be pretty frightening so imagine you find safety in the bathroom or something, from there you hear things get quiet (when he realizes he's upset you), and eventually you come out of your little safe haven and there's a bunch of stuffed animals from the claw machine where you normally sit as a little apology from Levi 😭💖

#ahh again im so sorry it took me so long to reply #french fry replies #p/iss #spice #ghosting #♟💙 anon

[teenwolffan-with-nolife]

Something Stupid

Word Count: 1,337

Characters: Isaac Lahey, Reader, Stiles Stilinski, Scott McCall, Lydia Martin

Pairings: Isaac Lahey x Mccall!Reader

Warnings: small angst, mainly fluff?

A/N: Uhm, did I ever post a fic called Wolf Boy? Cuz I have a draft on google docs but I don’t know (It’s and Isaac Lahey fic)

Masterlist

“Yes, I’m ready to go back to school.” you groaned for the millionth time, convincing your brother and mom.

“Okay, but what if something happens?” Scott asked.

“Like what? I’m surrounded by werewolves everywhere I go. I have a knife with me. Derek and Argent have been training me.” you said, crossing your arms.

“That doesn’t mean anything,” Scott said.

“What? Mom, help me out here! I have been home every day for the past 3 weeks. Please.” you begged.

Melissa looked between you and Scott. Scott kept you at home because he thought that the Alpha Pack or the Darach was gonna hurt you. You didn’t really care, knowing you could easily defend yourself, but Scott didn’t agree with you.

“Okay, fine.” Melissa agreed with you.

You gave Scott a smirk.

“What? Mom!” he started.

“Nope! No, no, no, no!” you quickly yelled, grabbing your bag.

“Thanks, Mom!” you yelled before quickly running out of the house.

-----

You took a deep breath as you smiled, walking down the halls.

“(Y/N)” you heard Isaac gasp from behind you.

“Oh look, it’s the giant!” you exclaimed.

He rolled his eyes at your nickname for him, and ran to you, giving you a hug.

“I missed you so much.” he practically lifted you off the ground, holding you tightly.

You closed your eyes.

“I missed you too,” you replied.

You broke off the hug, holding his hand.

“So how have you been?” he asked.

“I texted you 24/7, I'm pretty sure you know,” you said.

He put his arm around your shoulder as you started walking to your locker.

“I’m just trying to make conversation. So, wanna hang out after school?” he asked, leaning against the lockers.

“No, I have school to catch up on,” you replied, pushing him softly.

“Nerd.” he scrunched his face.

“Asshole. I’ll catch you later, k?” you said, getting your books out.

“Yeah. Love you.” he kissed you and ran off.

Your eyes went wide for a second, realizing what just happened.

Oh dear god

----

“So where’s your boyfriend?” Stiles asked you, sitting next to you on the table.

The rest of the pack gave you a look.

“Shut up. We’re friends,” you replied.

“That’s a lie. And the fact you know who we’re talking about.” Lydia said, sitting on your other side.

“Look, I don’t know and I don't need to know,” you said, looking down.

“I heard and saw,” Lydia whispered in your ear.

“Ugh” you replied.

“Uhm, what? What happened?” Scott asked, using his werewolf skills to be a protective older brother.

“Seriously, it’s nothing.” you gave Lydia a look.

“Well, then I’ll ask him myself.” you looked up, watching Isaac head towards the table.

Your eyes went wide.

“Uhm, I just forgot, I have to go….” you quickly grabbed your things and ran off, leaving a confused pack and slightly embarrassed Isaac.

----

You avoided Isaac for the rest of lunch, going to class. You waited for Lydia to sit next to you, but instead, Isaac did.

You looked around, trying to find another seat, but everywhere was full.

“(Y/N), we need to talk,” Isaac whispered to you.

“No, we don't. Nothing happened.” you didn't know what to say. You knew you liked Isaac for a while, but there was no way he meant that kiss.

“Yes, something did. Look, I just wanted to say sorry, okay? It was an accident, something stupid. Let’s just forget it ever happened and go back to being friends, okay?” he asked.

You felt your heart shatter.

“Done”, you said softly.

“(Y/N), Isaac, detention.” you heard your teacher say.

“For what?!” you exclaimed.

“Talking. Class has already begun.” you looked at the clock.

40 seconds ago?! Are you kidding me?!

You rolled your eyes but kept your mouths shut.

-----

You walked into detention, seeing Isaac was there. You took a deep breath and sighed as he motioned for you to sit next to him.

Instead, you sat in front of him, thinking.

There was no way you could be mad at him, you knew the kiss was a mistake the second it happened. But hearing him say it, hurt you. As much as you didn't want it to, it still hurt you.

“(Y/N), Isaac, you can restock the Janitor’s closet.” you heard your teacher say.

You quickly raised your hand.

“Uhm, does it have to be with him?” you asked.

“Now that I know you’d prefer now too, then yes, it does.” he gave you a smile.

You rolled your eyes as you walked to the closet.

“(Y/N),” Isaac said to you.

You ignored him, doing what you had to do.

“(Y/N), god! I said I was sorry what more do you want?!” he exclaimed.

“I’m not mad at you Isaac!” you nearly shouted.

“Yes, you are! I can read you, (Y/N)! You’re clearly pissed at me because I kissed you! I already told you! It was an accident! It meant nothing!” he groaned.

“I’m not mad-” you sighed.

“Yes you are!” he exasperated.

“I’m not mad that you kissed me! I’m mad because-” you started, before stopping yourself.

“Why? Why are you mad then?” he asked.

You sighed. You could speak, or you could keep quiet.

“(Y/N),” he said.

“I’m mad because you regretted it!” you exclaimed.

“W-What?” he stuttered.

“Can we just ignore it, okay?” you sighed.

“But you can't like me! Me?!” he exclaimed. 

You gave him a look before signing.

“I mean, you like Stiles!” he said.

“What?!” you almost screamed.

“You! Like Stiles!” he said.

“What the hell are you talking about?! I don't like Stiles! That’s gross!”  you exclaimed, the thought of you and Stiles sent a shiver down your spine.

“What?! B-But I thought you'd never like me!” he exclaimed.

“Wait what do you mean?!” you asked, confused.

“Well….. I like you, (Y/N).” you looked up at him.

“Shut up,” you replied.

“Why?” 

“Because! You like Allison!” you replied.

“I don't like Allison! I like you!” he exclaimed.

“W-What?!” 

As you looked at Isaac, you heard the door slam shut, causing you to jump slightly.

“What? No.” Isaac almost immediately ran to the door, trying to open it.

“Isaac?” you said, concerned, walking to him slowly.

“N-No, I can’t be trapped.”, he said. A few seconds later the lights went out.

“N-No!” he pushed the door, banging on it, trying to open it.

“Isaac, calm down.” you out a hand on his shoulder.

“I-I can't be trapped! Help! Let us out!” he yelled.

“Isaac-” you started. You saw his eyes glow yellow. He was turning.

“Isaac, calm down. Just breathe. It's gonna be okay.” you tried to calm him, stroking his back lightly.

“(Y/N), stand back, please. I don't wanna hurt you.” you could feel him shaking.

“You’re not gonna hurt me. I know you won’t,” you said softly.

He turned, facing you. He stood tall, looking at you. You took a deep breath, looking at him, not sure what was about to happen.

He leaned down, pressing a kiss against your lips, holding your hands.

You closed your eyes, sinking into the kiss.

He moved his hands down to your waist, holding you tightly.

You wrapped your arms around his shoulders. 

You didn't know how long you two were together, but you loved every second of it.

Both of you didn't notice the door finally opening, as you continued holding each other.

“Isaac?! With my sister?!” you heard Scott exclaimed, as you quickly broke the kiss, opening your eyes.

Isaac looked at Scott, and opened his mouth, about to speak.

He quickly pressed a small kill against your lips, before running off.

“Oh hell no! Isaac!” Scott ran after him.

You held in your laughs, or your cries, you couldn't tell your own emotions.

“Ha! I knew it! You owe me 10 bucks!” Lydia turned to Stiles.

“You guys bet on it?” you crossed your arms, raising an eyebrow.

“And now it’s our turn to run!”

#teen wolf #teen wolf text #teen wolf fic #teen wolf angst #teen wolf fluff #isaac lahey #isaac lahey imagines #isaac lahey one shot #isaac lahey imagine #isaac lahey angst #isaac lahey fluff #isaac lahey x reader #isaac lahey x mcall!reader #scott mcall #scott mcall imagine #scott mccall x sister!reader #stiles stilinski #stiles stilinski imagine #lydia martin #lydia martin imagine

[hopelikethemoon]

Yours (Ezra x Reader) [Smut]

*deep breath*  This has been sitting in my Google Docs for a week and I guess I’ll post it even though it’s not good. 

Summary: Ezra x Reader have a misunderstanding that leads to a little smut.  Warnings: Unprotected sex, light choking, consent negotiation, other stuff I guess? I’m shit at this. 

Ezra was someone who was consistently in a good mood, even when he had no reason to be in one. Bad harvest? He still managed to find the positive in it. He was truly a master at plastering on a charming grin and rolling life’s punches. Which made his current mood… alarming, to say the least. 

A dark cloud had settled into your shared ship and it’s name was Ezra. 

It took two days of him stomping around, avoiding you, and sleeping in his own bunk before you managed the courage to ask him what the hell his problem was. 

“I don’t have a problem, little bird.” He answered breezily, keeping his gaze averted as he focused on inventorying the medical supplies on the ship. An entirely unnecessary task, but one he’d made into his life’s mission in an effort to avoid you.

“Really?” You questioned, arms folded across your chest. “This isn’t a problem?” You gestured between the two of you.

Ezra sniffed and fixed you with a rather disdainful look that made something in your heart physically ache. “It would seem that this is a problem for one of us,” He started, his words dripping with thinly veiled venom. “But that problem is nihil ad rem.” 

“Ezra,” You started, trying to keep your voice level as you crouched down beside him. “Will you please just tell me what’s wrong?” 

He sighed dramatically, setting aside the rolls of gauze he had been focused on counting. “I’ll return to this task at a later date. Pardon the discombobulation.” Without further comment he rose to his feet and started to leave the hull. 

“Ezra!” You snapped, following after him. “Clearly I’ve pissed you off.” 

He came to an abrupt halt, which caused you to slam into his back. Ezra turned to face you, his jaw clenched tightly as he glared down at you. You had never seen him look at you like that before and it made you take a small step backwards in response. 

Ezra dragged his fingers through his hair, tugging at the strands as they slid through his fingers. He seemed to be trying to tamp down his anger, his chest rising and falling slowly as he steadied his breathing. “We’re not just friends and you fucking know it.” 

You inhaled sharply. 

Three days ago the pair of you had encountered a group of harvesters on the transport station, while you were waiting for clearance to set off on another venture. One of the harvesters had been an old acquaintance of yours — and unfortunately someone who you had been intimately involved with. While you hadn’t blatantly confessed as much, the man’s comments about you had been enough for Ezra to piece together the history that you shared with him. 

You hadn’t even thought anything of it. Both of you had histories, parts of your past that neither of you discussed. But that clearly wasn’t the real issue. The real issue laid with how you had introduced Ezra to the other harvester. 

“This is my friend, Ezra.” 

“That’s not what I meant!” You assured him, reaching out to brush your fingers against his cheek. 

He pulled away from your touch and you let your arm drop back to your side defeatedly. “What did you mean then, little bird?” He questioned, his dark eyes locked on your face. 

“What was I supposed to say, Ezra?” You gritted out, your own anger burning hot now. “You are my friend. But we haven’t exactly put a label on this.” You waved a hand between you. “Here’s Ezra — he’s my friend, harvesting partner, gives me the best fucking orgasms of my life, and we share a bed most nights. Unless he’s being a raging dick because I dared to call him my friend.” 

Something snapped in Ezra, you saw it in his eyes first, mere seconds before he had you pinned against the bulkhead. You wanted to shove him away, to hurt him the way he’d hurt you by ignoring you for the past two days, but you couldn’t deny the way your own anger had sparked a deep seated need within you. One that only he could satisfy.

He kissed you with a bruising force. The past two days of frustration were being translated into the desperate way that he kissed you. You curled your fingers around the back of his neck, holding him there as your other hand wandered down to the fastenings of his trousers. You could feel him, already stiff beneath your touch. 

“Gonna remind you,” He mumbled against your lips. ”Little bird.” Ezra dragged his teeth over your bottom lip with just enough pressure to make you inhale sharply. “Who I am.” 

There was nothing gentle about the way Ezra manhandled you. Even with one hand, he knew how to do damage. He nearly tore the button of your cargo pants as he jerked them open and roughly shoved them down your hips along with your panties. 

He gripped tightly at your hip, prompting you to turn around for him. It was a familiar gesture, one you knew intimately. 

“Ez—” You started, but his name died on your lips as his hand found its way from your hip to the juncture of your thighs. 

“You are positively dripping.” He drawled out, his tongue gliding over each word with a heat that made your blood practically sing for him. You should’ve been ashamed with just how slick you were. You were pissed at him, but your cunt was desperate for him. 

You planted your palms on the cool metal of the bulkhead, keeping yourself balanced as his hand nudged your stance apart wider. His fingers dragged between your folds and you let yourself get lost in the sensation. You leaned forward, resting your forehead against the wall surrendering to him. 

Ezra hesitated as you relaxed, his hand abandoning his efforts between your thighs. Gently he stroked your jaw, urging you to turn to look at him. “Is this alright, little bird? I wither at the thought of doing something you’d prefer that I didn’t.”

You shook your head quickly. “Don’t stop.” 

He leaned in to catch your lips, kissing you with a tenderness that stood in stark contrast with how harshly he’d already manhandled you. “I don’t want to be at odds with you.” He whispered, stroking your cheek. “These past two days… Each passing hour drove the blade between my ribs in deeper.” 

You reached behind you to drag your fingers through his hair. “I don’t want to fight with you either.” You assured him, tilting your head so you could kiss him again. “But right now, I really really want you to fuck me.” You sucked lightly at his bottom lip. “Use me, Ezra.” 

“Whatever you want, baby.” He whispered, pressing his face into the crook of your neck, his arm curling around your waist as he lingered there. It felt right to feel the weight of him pressed against you, his breath dancing over your skin. He felt like home. 

You loved him. Of course he was more than just your friend. 

But those thoughts were pushed from your mind as you felt his arm slip from around you, his hand moving between the two of you as he shoved his trousers down his hips. “You ready, little bird?” He questioned as he nudged your thighs apart. 

“Yes.” You breathed out as you felt the brush of his cock against your sensitive flesh. No sooner than the words had escaped your lips, Ezra gripped your hip tightly and thrust forward — filling you in one swift movement. 

Your head fell back against his shoulder, fingers trying to gain purchase against the smooth metal of the bulkhead in front of you. It had only been two days since you’d last had him — but it felt like longer. You’d mourned the loss of this, the intimacy, the completeness that came from his embrace. 

“Ezra.” You moaned out wantonly as he started to move within you. Your breath hitched as his fingers curled around your throat loosely, keeping you pressed back against his chest as he fucked into you. 

“Who do you belong to, little bird?” He questioned lowly,  dragging an open-mouthed kiss along your cheek. His mustache and the scruff around his mouth scratched against your soft skin. “Tell me, baby. Who do you belong to?”

“You!” You gasped out. 

“That’s right.” He drawled out, tightening the grasp he had on your throat as he started to thrust into you with more force. It was driving you mad, just how well he knew your body. “You’re mine, little bird.” Ezra reminded you, his voice rough with his desire for you. 

You nodded your head as best you could and promised him, “All yours.” 

He knew how much you loved it when he wrapped his hand around your throat, how the slightest bit of pressure would make you clench around his cock. You reached behind your head, raking your fingers through his hair. “Ezra.”

“Shhh.” He cooed, stroking his fingers down the column of your throat. “Let go for me, little bird.” 

“So close.” 

Ezra tightened his hold on your throat once more, his lips brushing against your. “Touch yourself. Can you do that for me?” 

You let your hand drop away from the wall where you had been supporting yourself, relying on Ezra to keep you upright, reaching down to tease at your clit. His pace faltered momentarily and you knew he was close to his own release. 

Reluctantly Ezra released your throat, curling his arm around your waist to support you better as he started to drive into you again and again. The angle, in tandem with the touch of your fingers, was enough to push you over the edge. Your inner walls fluttered around him, pleasure pulsing through your veins as your orgasm peaked. 

Your name was on his lips as he gripped at your hip, holding you flush to him as he shattered within you. You couldn’t help the soft moan that escaped you as he felt him buried deep within you. You had missed it. You had missed him and you knew you didn’t want to ever be without him. 

“Perfect.” Ezra whispered, stroking his hand down your spine as he slipped out of you. 

Once you regained your balance, you turned around to face him with a sheepish grin. You reached out and cupped his cheek, brushing your thumb over the scar there. “I love you.” The words slipped past your lips with such ease, despite the knot of anxiety in your gut. And it was worth it — so worth it. Ezra flashed an adoring smile at you as a tear slipped down his cheek. 

“I love you too, little bird.” He whispered, turning his head to kiss your palm. “I apologize for being so uncompanionable these past few days.” He mumbled against your skin. 

“I didn’t mean to upset you.” You said as you brushed your thumb over his bottom lip. 

Ezra shook his head, “It’s no fault of your own. I’ve been remiss in making my feelings known. You see,” He started, leaning in to press a quick kiss to your lips. “I find that I simply want to be yours.” 

You laughed, a smile spreading across your lips. “You are.” You promised him, draping your arms over his shoulders. “And I’m yours.” 

#ezra (prospect) #ezra x reader #pedro pascal x reader #ezra (prospect) x reader #pedro pascal smut #le sigh

[bazypitchandsimonsnow]

Being Simon

Chapter 1: The Past

Chapter 1/2 (All chapters)

Rating: T

Genre: Fluff/Angst

Word Count:  8493

Summary:  Simon's type of therapy is...unusual to say the least. He has the incredible chance to go back in time to fix what he regrets. However, things get more complicated when Simon meets someone very interesting in the past.

Read on AO3

AN: Ahahahaha I did it!!! I finished a fic! That's a big achievement for me nowadays tbh. This has taken forever because stupid fucking health, but I did it! Of course I'm not 100% good with it but I'm still proud. Being Erica is one of my fave shows ever and is severely underrated imo. Then I saw this post and was like "oh damn that would be great for snowbaz." Now like three-four months late, here we are! Big thank you to @carryonmylovelies​ as always. She has been a big support for me through this writing slump. I couldn't be more grateful for her <3

World basics: time travel therapy is a thing, no further explanation given, and going back in time to fix past regrets teaches patients how to live better in the present. Patients take over their past selves' bodies for a bit. Patients can return from the past either suddenly or by stepping through doors. So just imagine Simon doing that. Saying much more is spoilers. 

I’m gonna post chapter 1 today, then chapter 2 sometime within the next week. Hopefully y'all like it!

———————————————

You know that guy who’s got it all? A perfect job, a perfect partner, wonderful family, a life that people are secretly jealous of? You know that guy, everyone knows that guy. Unfortunately, I am not that guy.

My name is Simon Snow, and I’m a fuck up. But I’m getting better.

“Mr. Snow, Mr. Snow!” Cassidy shouts, waving her hand, “I know the answer!”

“Cass,” I say, “what did we say about inside voices?”

She pouts and crosses her arms. “Keep the volume down for all those around.”

“Exactly. Now, try again.” Cassidy raises her arm with no added sound effects. I point my chalk at her. “Cassidy, what’s the answer?”

She puts her hand down, grinning wide. “It’s 42.”

I hold my hand out to her. “Nice job, Cassy, right on the money.”

She gives me a big high five. The feeling of accomplishment surges through me. God, I love this job. My old customer service work made me feel dead inside. Day in, day out, same old fucking garbage from garbage customers. It was just never something I wanted to do. Now I get to see a little girl smile, and I helped her smile. Yeah, little self centred, but I’ll take it.

“Patrick,” I say, “can you tell me how we can find 8 times 4?”

Patrick nods and starts rattling off the technique he’s come up with. It’s a bit odd and round about but all his. That’s what I love about kids, the strange and unique things their little minds come up with. It’s why I wanted to be a teacher in the first place, before I lost my way.

The bell rings and everyone's on their feet immediately. “Alright everyone,” I shout over the clamour, “make sure to finish chapter three for tonight. And get your worksheets done! We’re going to go over them with a fine toothed comb. Have a good weekend, kids.”

“Bye, Mr. Snow,” they all parrot back. I wave them off, then start on my laptop. Being a teacher means having a lot of paperwork. (Or Google Doc work, I guess.) Everything is in mismatched folders and I have to scour them for my lesson plan draft. Unfortunately, I’m still not great at organization, but I’m working on it. I’m working on a lot in my life.

My phone rings. I look up from my screen, and notice there’s no sunlight from the windows. Holy shit, how long have I been sitting here? I quickly grab my phone. “Hello?”

“Simon!” Todd shouts. “Where the fuck are you?”

“Oh, uh, hi Todd.” Fuck, what did I do this time? “I-I’m still at work...”

He scoffs. “Of course you are. Shit, Simon, I’ve been sitting at Casper’s for an hour!”

My heart drops. I look down at my watch. It’s 6:34. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry, love, I just totally lost track of time-”

“Yeah, I guessed that. I should expect that of you now.”

Well, that stings. A lot. I’ve felt like a screw up my whole life, so much so even my parents didn’t want me. Like they had some prophetic vision that their kid would be a no good moron. Therapy has started to rid me of those thoughts, but they still creep up every once in a while. Like now.

“I’m sorry, darling, I’m really sorry. We can go to my place, have take away-”

“No, Simon,” he sighs. “I just...I picked the day, the time, and the restaurant. All you had to do was bloody show up, and you couldn’t even do that. I mean...do you even care, Simon?”

A horrible, familiar pain goes through my heart. I can still hear Agatha’s voice all these years later. I don’t think I’ll ever forget it. My thoughts get all muddled up, mixing up old fears and trauma with today.

“I do care, Todd, I really do. I just- I didn’t- I was- We can-”

“Please stop..” He sighs again. I can almost see him rubbing his pretty black eyebrows together. “Don’t stress stutter, it’s alright. Enjoy your work and takeaway.”

“Uh, could we reschedule?”

“No, we can’t.”

I gulp. I hate that I know what’s coming. “Are...are you too busy?”

“No, I’m just...I’m done. I can’t do this anymore, Simon. Hope you do well. I mean that.”

I slump in my chair. “Okay. You too. Bye, Todd.”

“Goodbye, Simon.”

He hangs up, but I keep the phone by my ear. My body feels too heavy to move and get out of this fucking chair. Once again, I screwed up my relationship. And the fact that it’s too familiar is even worse. This is what, the third partner I’ve lost in the last year? An abysmal track record. Before that I had been alone since uni, yeah, but I think it was better than feeling like this.

Slowly, I pack up all my stuff. Everything is quiet, like the world is in mourning for my latest lost relationship. Self centered as fuck but a nice thought. I sling my book bag over my shoulder and walk towards the door. It’s not even a shock when I don’t enter the foyer, but step through and end up in Dr. Margaret’s stony yet brightly lit office instead, complete with torches and pristine furniture. It’s like some medieval version of an IKEA showroom. Dr. Margaret is sitting in her chair with a book in hand, obviously waiting for me. Just another day with a super powered therapist who has her office in a pocket dimension outside of our reality. (That’s my theory anyway).

I speed walk forward and flop down face first on her white couch. “Hi to you too, Simon,” she says. I groan into the cushions. “Good day, huh?” I groan louder. “Tell me what happened or get off my couch.”

I move my face to the side, glaring at Dr. Margaret. She just keeps looking at me blankly from her large leather chair. Dr. Margaret has little time for my whining, something I usually appreciate. “Todd broke up with me.”

“You poor baby.”

I narrow my eyes even more. “Aren’t therapists supposed to be all sympathetic and shit?”

She scoffs. “Sympathetic when you’re not being pathetic.”

“My boyfriend just broke up with me, I’m allowed to be a bit pathetic.” I rub my very strained forehead. “I always get dumped.”

“Mhm.” Dr. Margaret picks up the notepad, the one I filled with my regrets the first day we met. It’s embarrassingly long, but a lot are crossed off too. “Tell me about ‘breakup with Agatha.’”

I groan, head falling back against the couch. “God, that’s one I’ve been waiting for.”

“Stop groaning and tell me.”

“Okay, okay, gimme a sec.” I sit up and put my elbows on my knees, rubbing my temple. Headache is coming. Though I’ve started to actually pay attention to my health and take care of myself now (thanks to Dr. Margaret), the headaches still happen sometimes. Especially when I think about this.

“It was 2003,” I sigh. “Agatha and I had been together for six years. Just before third year finals, Agatha broke up with me. I got really pissed at her. Turned into a huge screaming match. She said I didn’t care, and I called her an arsehole that never loved me.” I run a hand through my hair. Old stress habit. “I’ll never forget the look on her face. She was so unbelievably hurt. I knew it was wrong the moment after I said it, but I was too angry and proud to apologize. Agatha walked out. And that was the last time I ever saw her.” The words piece my heart like a knife. I feel like I'm about to shatter into pieces “We avoided each other all through finals. Right after graduation, Agatha moved to California for her masters. She wouldn’t take my calls, then she changed her number. So I gave up. Haven’t talked to her in twelve years. No idea where she is now and what she’s doing.”

Dr. Margaret nods thoughtfully, placing the notebook down. “What would you do differently? Try to fix things? Stay together?”

I shake my head vigorously. “No, god no. We weren’t good as a couple. But Agatha was one of my closest friends way before she was my girlfriend. I just, I want the breakup to not be so awful. That way we can stay friends. I want to keep her in my life. If I wasn’t such an arse, she would be.”

“Sounds reasonable. Let’s see if you can do it.”

A familiar chill hits me. At first it was terrifying but now I expect it. “Alright.”

Dr. Margaret nods, and the world spins.

———————————————

“You’re not hearing me, Simon!” Agatha screams. “I’m trying to tell you that it’s over!”

I stumble, blinking at Agatha and trying to focus on what’s around me. Dirty walls, Lady Gaga posters, a shitty desk I picked up off the curb. Yeah, this is definitely my uni apartment. And this is definitely Agatha screaming at me, trying to break things off and I’ve just been yelling. She’s so mad but I can’t help but smile. God, I’ve missed her.

“What are you smiling about?! Are you listening to me?!” She groans and shakes her head. “We’re done, Si. I can’t do this anymore. Goodbye.”

She turns around to leave and my pulse skyrockets. No no, not again. “Ags, wait! I-I am listening. Please, don’t leave!”

Agatha freezes, hand on the knob. She glares at me over her shoulder. “What?”

“I-I’m sorry for yelling, that was awful. Can we just sit down and talk this out? Please?”

She looks me over, probably trying to figure out if I’m being sincere. I know I am, but as far as she's concerned I was screaming my bloody lungs out a minute ago. Must be weird for her. Thankfully, she lets go of the knob. “Fine.”

I sigh in utter relief. I sit down on my shitty mattress (pretty sure I got this off the curb too) and Agatha follows. She’s tense, arms crossed. I fiddle with my fingers. The nail beds are all chewed up, hangnails surrounded by dark dried blood. Glad I broke that habit, but right now I sort of wish I still did it. It made me feel better.

“Are you going to say something?” Agatha asks, voice biting.

“Yeah, yeah, just, uh...” I rub the back of my neck. Words are getting fucked up again.

“You’re not going to change my mind, Simon. We’re through.”

“I know, Ags, I know. I don’t want us to stay together.”

Her eyebrows furrow. It’s really cute. I miss when she did that. “You don’t?”

“No, no, we’re not good as a couple. We don’t work well.”

“Oh.” Her arms fall into her lap. “Okay. Yeah, I think the same.”

“Awesome.” I turn towards her with a big grin. “But, uh, could we still be friends though? You’ve always been one of my best friends, Agatha. I-I don’t want to lose you after this.”

Agatha rubs her lips together, But slowly, she nods. “Okay, yeah.”

A huge weight lifts off my shoulders. I grin so wide it hurts. “That’s great! That’s so great. I-I just, I don’t want to lose you just cause our relationship didn’t work out.”

She looks even more confused, and I’m not sure why. “What do you mean ‘didn’t work out?’”

“Well, I-I mean, y’know, we just don’t work as a couple. We haven’t been happy for awhile because things have kind of...fizzled out, right?”

Suddenly, that infuriated expression comes back. She groans and stands up. “I can’t believe you, Si! You really haven’t been listening to anything I’ve said, have you?!”

I stand up too. “No, no, I have! You want to break up, and I get why, we’re not happy together. We’re not a good couple-”

“Because of you!” she screams. I stumble back slightly from the force of her words.  “You fucked up!”

A horrible, upset, disgusted feeling takes over my whole body. Like my very soul is sicking up. I step towards her, reaching out. “Ags, I don’t know what you mean. H-How did I ruin things? Tell me what I did wrong!”

She shakes her head and backs away. “I’ve told you a hundred times, Si. If you don’t know by now, I don’t think you ever will.”

Agatha starts to stomp away. I chase after her. “Agatha! Ags, please, don’t-”

She slams the door so hard all my knick knacks rattle. I’m left in silence, except for the thoughts rattling around in my head. Fuck, what did I say? What did I do? I can’t think of anything I’ve done horrible enough to warrant such a response from Agatha. I pull at my hair and gnaw at my nail beds. I mean, this me already does it, so where’s the harm? Fuck, I don’t know what I did. I can’t remember!

Penny. I gotta go find Penny. She always has the answers. She’ll remember why I fucked up. I rush out the door and swing my way down the shitty stairs, careful to avoid the usual vomit puddles. I’m speed walking across the lawn towards Pen’s TA building when I spot familiar frizzy white hair.

“That was fast,” Dr. Margaret says, looking down at her book with a Starbucks drink in hand. She’s dressed in a horribly ugly orange tank top and boho skirt. Perfect for 2003. She needs to blend in with the time period, or at least that’s what she says. I think she just likes to dress up. “Saw her storm out. Looked really mad.”

“What the fuck was the point of this?!” I yell. I’m so angry, I can’t help it. My temper is something I need to work on but I really don’t care right now. “I still cocked things up with Agatha, so she still hates me, and all I’ve learned is that I apparently did something horrible that I don’t even remember because it’s been twelve bloody years!”

She takes a long drink from her large Starbucks cup. “Hm. Quite difficult. What’re you going to do?”

“Find Penny, I guess, She’ll know, right?”

Dr. Margaret shrugs. “Don’t know. You have a phone. Call her.”

Oh, right, phones are a thing. I dig around in my cargo shorts (god, I can’t believe, I used to wear these things) and pull out my old Nokia slide phone. I sneer at the thing. It was my first and shittiest cell phone. I thought I was so cool because my mobile slid out. I was such a prat.

I go to my contacts, and Penny is one of five. That makes me a little sad. I always liked people, but I was always bad at making real friends. I’ve gotten better now but past me barely had anyone. I click her number, and she picks up after two rings.

“Hey, Simon, what’s up?” she asks.

“Um, not much,” I respond automatically. Dr. Margaret glares at me. Right, I don’t need to push down my problems and pretend everything is okay. Penny’s my friend, she’ll want to help. “Actually, there’s a lot. Aggie and I just broke up.”

“Oh Si, I’m so sorry. How’re you feeling?”

“Not too bad. I guess it was inevitable. I’m more confused than anything. Ags said I ruined it by doing something, but I’m not sure what I did. Do you have any idea what she meant?”

“Uh...I really don’t know. She hasn’t told me anything. She doesn’t usually tell me things anyway.”

I sigh and rub my face. “Yeah, true. I’ll figure it out. Thanks, Pen.”

“Welcome, Simon. Love you.”

“Love you, too.” I hang up and shove my phone back in my massive pocket. Dr. Margaret is back to reading. “Well, that was no help.”

“Too bad. Maybe going to the source would be better.”

I frown in utter confusion. “You want me to go talk to Agatha again?”

“She knows what’s wrong. You don’t. Ask her.”

I put my hands on my hips. “You’re never this direct. What’s going on?”

She flicks her eyes to me, smiling slyly. “Don’t trust me, Simon?”

“No! I just know you always have something else going on. Nothing in therapy is ever easy or simple.”

“Know that. Taught you that.” She snaps the book closed. “Do what you think is best, Simon. Then live with choices.”

She stands up, book tucked into her hippie purse, and walks down the lawn. I huff, blowing a piece of stray hair out of my face. “You know I hate when you say that! It’s just pointing out the obvious! That’s lazy therapy!”

Dr. Margaret, the woman who has changed my life in so many ways, makes the “whatever” W sign at me. I chuckle and shake my head. Okay, well, this is probably some weird test (again), but Dr. Margaret has a point. Best to be direct. Maybe Agatha will have cooled down by the time I get there. I should do something nice. Bring her flowers, yeah, that’s a good idea. I look down at my cargo shorts, baggy Eminem shirt, and filthy knock off converse. Definitely need to change too.

I rush back to my apartment. It’s dingy and gross, but there’s a weird nostalgia to it. I should’ve put up more posters. (Why can’t that be a regret? That would be so much easier.) My dresser is bursting at the seams as usual. I throw my t-shirts around looking for something passable, but everything is dirty, tacky, smells like weed, or all of the above.

“Christ, how did I live like this?” I grumble, as if I wasn’t pretty much still living like this a year ago. (Minus the weed. Kicked that after uni, thankfully.)

Eventually I find a plain brown shirt and a pair of jeans with only one tomato sauce stain. Alright, I’m passable now at least. That’ll get Agatha’s attention just because it’s so out of character for who I am in this time. I open the old pickle jar where I keep all my change and scrounge together about 20 quid. Should be enough for flowers, especially before the 2008 crash. The exchange rate is the only thing I miss about the past, honestly.

“Alright,” I mutter to myself, slinging my bookbag over my shoulder, “decent clothes, okay hair, pocket change, bag to hold flowers. Let’s do this.”

I walk out my front door feeling confident, hopefully not too much. Can’t get a big head. Need to focus on Agatha.

“Simon, mate.” I turn around to see Rhys wheeling out of his flat. “What’s up? Heard a lot of shouting earlier, you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m cool, man. Agatha and I broke up and things got messy.”

He inhales sharply between his teeth. “Yikes. Sorry to hear that. Can’t believe she dumped you for that snotty prep.”

I stand ramrod straight, then spin around on my heels to face him properly. “What snotty prep?”

“Oh you didn’t know?”

“Didn’t know what?!”

Rhys raises his hands in surrender. “Whoa, take it easy, man.”

Shit. Reel in your temper, Simon, don’t explode. “Sorry, sorry, mate. Just, what are you talking about with this prep?”

“Yeah, this preppy pretty boy Agatha sits next to in our romantic literature and creative writing classes. They’ve always got their heads together. I didn’t say anything because it wasn’t my business, but then you said you two broke up, so...”

“So you thought she told me, got it.” I rub my temples. Headache is coming back. “Do you know who he is?”

Rhys scratches the side of his head. “Yeah, think so. Tall, dark-ish skin, grey eyes, posh accent, even more posh clothes. Name starts with a T. Terrence, Terry, Tyler-” He snaps his fingers and points at me. “Ty! That’s it!”

My face scrunches up. “Ty? Ty what?”

“Dunno. Just Ty, I guess. Like Madonna. Dude thinks he’s better than fucking everyone just because he’s rich or something.”

My blood boils to a fever pitch. So Agatha broke up with me for someone prettier and richer. She said it was my fault because she didn’t want to hurt my feelings. Mission failed, because I am fucking gutted.

“Thanks for telling me, mate,” I say, holding out my fist to him. He bumps his own against mine. “Really appreciate it.”

“Sure thing, mate. Come have a beer with us to commiserate?”

I chuckle. “Yeah, but you may have to remind me later. Brain like sieve.”

“Gotchu. See ya.”

“See ya.”

Rhys rolls down the hall towards Gareth’s. Right, it’s their weekly beer and footie night. I would hang out with them sometimes. I miss that. I should call them when I’m back in 2015. Right now though, I have a mission.

———————————————

Finding Ty will be pretty easy. I know when Agatha and Rhys’ creative writing class is, which is in a couple of minutes. (Rhys skipped a lot of class. Luckily he was a genius so he graduated at the top of our year. And Agatha never went to class when she was upset, so I know I won’t see her.) I run over to the building I know it’s in, a massive hall made from dingy grey stone and filled with caffeine addicted twenty somethings. Then I sit by a tree, waiting to see someone like Rhys described. Oh and when I find him I’ll- Well, I’ll do something. Not sure yet but it’ll be something!

Droves of zombified uni students pass me by. None of them look posh and preppy enough to be like this Ty dude. He sounds like such a twat. What the fuck does Agatha see in him? (Or did see in him, I guess. Time travel is weird.) Maybe Agatha is still with him. Maybe they went to California together. She talked about me going with her for a bit, but I was scared to leave England. I don’t regret staying, but I do regret the crushed look on her face.

The guy passes by me. He looks ridiculous, wearing oxfords, black slacks, and a goddamn tweed jacket with leather patches on the sleeves. It’s the preppiest posh shit I’ve ever seen. I can see his hands, curled around his textbook, and his slicked back hair. Dark-ish skin and ear length black hair. I’m on my feet in an instant.

“Hey!” I shout. He doesn’t move. “Hey, Ty! I’m talking to you!”

He finally turns around, and my heart stops for a second. Holy shit. This guy is beautiful. Like, super model on the cover of a high end fashion magazine gorgeous. He’s got cheekbones sharp enough to cut glass and his eyes aren’t just grey, they’re green and blue mixed together. Like deep ocean water. And right now they’re staring at me like I’ve lost my goddamn mind.

“Yes?” he says. His voice is smooth, strong, really pretty. “You called my name?”

I shake off my small gay panic (technically pansexual panic) and my anger returns. I glare hard at him. “Yeah, I did. My name is Simon Snow, Agatha’s boyfriend.”

His confusion quickly switches to stone faced boredom. “Oh you’re the boyfriend. Well, the ex-boyfriend now, according to the text Agatha sent me.” He tilts his head to the side, ocean eyes scanning me over. “I thought you’d be taller.”

My body feels like it’s on fire. This guy may be hot but he’s a total prick. How could Agatha dump me for him?! “Who do you think you are, huh? Flirting with someone’s girlfriend? That’s fucking low, you pathetic shit!”

He scoffs, putting on hand on his hip. “Very well spoken. If you’re done with your little alpha male display, I have a class to get to.”

Ty turns away. I’m ready to explode. I haven’t felt this angry in years but this guy is getting so under my skin. I grab his shoulder and force him to look at me.

“You don’t get to walk away, dick!” I roar. “Do you think you’re better than me?! Well you’re not!”

“I’m not the one shouting at a random stranger on the quad.”

“I’m shouting because you stole my girlfriend!”

“I didn’t steal her, you sexist shit,” he hisses. “She’s my  friend. Are you the kind of arse to not allow his girlfriend to have friends?”

“No! And I’m not sexist! I just don’t like someone flirting with the girl I was with when I was with her, especially when you’re all...posh and shit!”

Ty scoffs again and leans forward. “Well, at least I don’t wear dirty jeans out in public. I have more self respect than that.”

My entire body explodes in a way it hasn’t in ages. My vision goes completely fucking red. I shove Ty, hard. Way harder than I mean to. He stumbles backwards, dropping his books on the grass. He looks at me in utter shock.

“What the fuck?!” Ty shouts. He then shoves my shoulders, and I stumble five steps back. Holy shit, he’s strong. 

“Fuck you!” I shout back. I charge forward with all my might. Ty blocks me but that doesn’t stop me. I claw and push and pull at him, no clue what I’m doing at all. I’m just so angry and pushing it all at him. He pushes back just as hard. Neither of us will give an inch. We scrabble like a pair of cats. I can’t think, I just feel. I'm so angry and sad and worthless because...because....

Because I’m losing my friend again. And I don’t know what to do.

My hits get weaker and weaker. All the energy dribbles out like a melting ice cream in July. As I slow down, Ty stops pushing back. My arms fall down at my sides. His hands rest awkwardly on my shoulders.

“Uh,” he says, “are you alright?”

“No,” I choke out. Tears fill my eyes and cloud my vision. “No, I’m not.”

I break down, crying with heavy, ugly sobs. Everything is just collapsing in and around me. I really am losing Agatha all over again. It hurts even more this time. I’ve never fallen apart this badly on a regret. But everything from the past and present, losing all my partners in the past year then Agatha again, is just hitting me in one terrible mental blow.

“Oh shit,” he says. “Um...” I feel his hand move off my shoulder and slowly pat my head. “There, there?”

I snort like one of the kids I teach. I pull back, wiping the still flowing tears under my eye. “Seriously? That’s the best you can do?”

Though it’s a bit hard to tell, I think Ty’s face flushes. He crosses his arms defiantly. “Well, what the fuck are you supposed to do when a stranger attacks you then breaks down crying?”

I shrug. “Dunno, really. This is new for me too.”

Ty rubs the back of his neck, shuffling his polished oxfords in the dirt. I’m still sniffling like a child. “You want to go somewhere private? Where no one can see you?”

My eyes catch a couple of people glancing and outright staring at us. Or just at me. I nod vigorously. “Yeah, that would be good.”

Ty collects up the books I knocked out of his hands. He jerks his head to the side, and I follow behind him. Tears are still streaming down my face. They won’t stop no matter how hard I try. Ty leads us through a secluded area, past large trees and bushes, until we reach a completely hidden, beautiful ravine. Holy shit. Was this always here? I went to this uni for three years and I have no memory of this place. Either I’m super oblivious or getting old. (Probably both.)

We go past a couple more bushes until we come upon a ramshackle rainbow coloured bench against some trees. It looks handmade by some stoned out art major. The mess of cigarette and joint butts on the ground only reinforces that theory. Ty sits on one end of the bench. I take the other, but we’re still pretty close. It’s not very big. We sit in silence for a bit, save for my continued sniffling. Something bumps my arm. I look down to see Ty’s long fingered hand holding out a cigarette pack.

“Want one?” he asks.

“Smoking is bad for you,” I say automatically.

“Like you’re one to talk. You reek of marijuana”

“Fuck, really?” I sniff my shirt collar and get a whiff of weed. I groan, letting my head fall back against the tree. “Dammit. Thought this one was clean.”

“Unfortunately not.” He shakes the box. “You want one or no?”

I sigh and pluck a stick out of the box. Ty takes one as well, then pulls out a pristine silver Zippo lighter. He lights us both with one flame. I watch the paper crinkle and shrivel away into ash. I’m a bit nervous. Technically, I haven’t smoked anything in over a decade. Hopefully I can depend on past me’s muscle memory. 

Ty takes a long, deep draft and breathes out a long puff of smoke. I try to mimic him. My lungs burn with the heat of twin suns. I wheeze out, thumping my chest. Ty throws his head back laughing,  hair touching his neck.

“You must be a shitty stoner,” he chuckles.

“Yeah,” I cough, “never been great at inhaling.”

“Bring it into your mouth, then your lungs. Don’t do it all once.”

I nod, even though I kind of knew that. Just been awhile. I smoked a few joints but I preferred my old bong. But I try again, doing what Ty said. This time I only cough a little instead of wheezing like the world’s most pathetic dragon.

“There you go,” Ty drawls. He’s definitely mocking me a little.

“Fuck off.”

“Christ, what bug crawled up your arse?”

I glare at him, and his face is completely unaffected. “The bug that Agatha broke up with me for you.”

He scoffs, flicking cigarette ash on the ground. “Your  ex- girlfriend did not break up with you to be with me. We’re only friends. I’d never date her.”

“That’s mean, Agatha is amazing.”

Ty rolls his eyes dramatically. “It has nothing to do with Agatha. She’s wonderful. I just don’t like women.”

My eyes grow wider than saucer plates “You’re gay?”

He cocks an eyebrow. How did he get so good at that? Does he practice in the mirror? “You have a problem with that, Snow?”

“No, no, of course not. Just didn’t realise...”

“It’s not like I’m hiding it.” He gestures to his perfectly pressed button down, spotless navy slacks, and polished Oxfords. Okay, he has a point, most straight men don’t take such meticulous care of their clothes. 2003 closeted me had the excuse of being heteronormative as fuck, but 2015 pansexual me needs to work on his gaydar.

“I, uh, didn’t want to assume...” Usually a safe answer in my experience.

“How noble.” Ty takes a long drag. I still hate cigarettes, but the way his lips fit around the smoke plume is kind of attractive. “Agatha knows I’m gay. I told her after she almost kissed me.”

“What?!” I throw down the cigarette and shoot to my feet. The fire in my gut is back, along with the sense of utter worthlessness. I fucked up so badly, made Agatha so miserable, that she nearly kissed a gay bloke. I feel so awful and confused and I don’t know what I'm supposed to do, I’m just mad.

He rolls his eyes,  again. “Sit down, alpha male, I said ‘almost.’ I’m not even sure she realised what she was doing, we were both completely pissed. She leaned forward slightly and I blurted out that I was gay. Then she promptly burst into tears.”

My heart feels like someone has reached inside and twisted every vein. My arms relax at my sides. “She...she was crying?”

“Yes, quite heavily.” He taps the cig with one long, graceful finger. (Does he play piano? He should.) “She said she was sorry, then blubbered for an hour about how conflicted she felt about wanting to break up with you.”

The impact of those words send me back down onto the bench. My whole body feels heavier than lead. “She felt conflicted?”

“Of course she did.”

“I-I thought this was easy for her. That our relationship was already going downhill, then I did something so bad she decided to end it. And then I thought it was because she found you, someone better than me.”

Ty scoffs. “My god, she was right, you are completely oblivious.”

I scowl at him. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“Exactly what I said. You’re so blind to what you’ve been doing.”

“What’ve I been doing?!”

“You’ve been a terrible boyfriend!” he yells. “You’re forgetful, you miss things, you don’t pay attention to Agatha, and most of all you take her for granted!” He sighs, rolling the half finished cig between his fingers. “Ags says you don’t mean to do it, you’re just oblivious, but she’s still hurt. There isn’t one bad thing you did, Snow. You’ve been hurting her for awhile.”

Every word is slap to the face. My body literally aches with all the guilt I feel. Ty is right. I was an awful,  awful boyfriend. Every missed date, every burnt meal, every stupid thing I’ve ever said, they all rush into me. Fucking hell. How could I have not seen it? I always had reasons, and they were always small things. But I guess a lot of small things pile up.

“Fuck,” I choke out. Tears make little wet spots on the dirt floor. I don’t know when I started crying again. God, I’m a mess.

“Please don’t cry,” Ty says, sounding almost sympathetic. “I only have so many cigarettes.”

That makes a laugh surprisingly fly out of my mouth. Yet I’m still picking at my nails, flicking away bits of my cuticle like I want to get rid of my pain. I’m nervously babbling before I even realise it. “My brain’s always filled with...stuff. Keeping my scholarship, keeping my job, working towards my future. E-Everything’s always been about my future, what I’ll do eventually, even with Agatha. She was supposed to be my happy ending after all the shit I’ve been through.”

“She’s a person,” he mutters, “not your goal.”

“I know that!” I rub away more tears. “Well, I’m learning. I dunno. I-I had a shitty childhood, okay? So I’m always waiting for things to get better. And I thought if I did well at school and found a nice girl, things would just fall into place. Turns out shit is more complicated than that.”

I laugh to try to break the tension, but Ty stays silent. I cautiously flick my eyes over to him. He’s still holding his cigarette. It’s burnt down to the filter. His face is stone again, yet I can see the slight tremor in his fingers. It’s miniscule but it’s there. I don’t think he’s okay, but I barely know this guy, I’m scared to ask.

“I don’t know how to fix things with Agatha,” I sigh. “I’m bad at talking, bad at relationships, sometimes bad at friendships. It’s not like I want her back. I...I just want her in life. She’s amazing. I don’t- I can’t lose her again.”

“Again?” he says. My face goes bright red and my breath hitches. Fuck. Stupid time travel, screwing things up.

“Y-Yeah, we’ve had fights before, stopped talking for a while. I know this feeling, I hate it. I want her to be in my life and be happy and I don’t know how to do that!”

“Tell her that.”

I face him, blinking in confusion. “What?”

Ty sighs and flicks the butt onto the ground, crushing it beneath the toe of his utterly perfect oxford. “Tell her that. Say you’re scared and clueless but you want to still be friends, so you want to figure out how to do that. Be honest. What else are you going to do?”

My mouth flaps up and down. Fuck. It’s so damn obvious yet it never came to mind. I thought I needed something big and smart so Agatha would understand. But... “All I need to do is be honest with her.”

“Exactly.”

I smile for the first time since I got here. “Wow, can’t believe I didn’t think of that.”

“You do seem to be a bit thick.” His slight smirk and teasing lilt save me from getting angry. I scoff and shake my head.

“Yeah, well, you seem like a bit of a prick.” He scoffs too, but he’s still smiling.

We sit there in silence for a little. All I can hear is birds chirping and students in the distance. I feel calm. So calm I don’t want to get up for a while. I just want to catch my breath. Ty slowly tilts his head back over the bench.

“I haven’t sat down in awhile,” he says quietly, almost as if to himself, but too loud for me not to hear. “I’m always at class or studying. I don’t sit down and just...sit.”

“Well you haven’t really been only sitting,” I chuckle. “You’ve been helping me.”

“Would it be sad that this has actually been the most relaxing time I’ve had in months?”

“Uh, yeah, and a bit concerning.”

Ty laughs a little louder this time. His smile seems a bit more genuine, but his pretty eyes are a bit sad. It may just be his face. It looks like it’s designed for pouting. “I’m a political science and English double major getting ready for law school. My whole life is stress.”

I chuckle sadly. “Sounds like a nightmare.”

“It is. A nightmare I chose...” He spins the cigarette pack between two fingers. I know he’s just fiddling but it looks so damn cool when he does it.

“Doesn’t seem like you’re happy about that choice.”

His eyes shift over to me without moving his head. “Since when do you know anything about my feelings?”

I shrug, crossing my arms. “I usually know what sadness looks like.”

Ty sighs. He rubs his temple slowly with his elegant ring finger. (What is with my finger fetish today?) “Ever since I was little, it was expected that I follow in the family tradition. Get perfect grades, go to a good university, go to an even better law school, become a lawyer, then finally take over the family practice. It’s what my mother did. It’s what I’m supposed to do.”

“Is that what you want?”

“Doesn’t matter what I want,” he scoffs.

I tilt my head towards him, but not too close to scare him away. “Well, if you could do what you want, what would you do?”

“I told you, it doesn’t mat-”

“Then pretend it does matter. What would you do for the rest of your life?”

Ty sinks further into the bench. It makes his stupid tweed jacket bunch up slightly, and he almost looks like a normal young adult. “Honestly, I just want to read books forever.”

I giggle quietly, and Ty glares at me with a now obvious flush in his cheeks. “Fuck off,” he snarls.

“I’m not laughing at you!” He doesn’t look convinced. “It’s just, when I first saw you, I never expected you to be a total bookworm. You seem too posh for that.” Ty snorts, keeping his arms crossed. He won’t meet my eyes. I lean closer, and he doesn’t back away. “Reading books forever sounds hellish to me, but it sounds like heaven for you. It’s a great idea. Why not do it?”

Ty’s glare somehow gets even more intense. His eyes are just slivers of beautiful grey. “Because I’m a responsible person, unlike you.”

The words hit me right in the gut. I scowl deeply at him. “That is beyond not okay. You don’t know me, you don’t know my life. So you don’t get to spew shit like that just because you’re pissed off. Got it?”

Honestly, I’m surprised how clear and articulate I’m being. A year with Dr. Margaret has made it a lot easier for me to stand up for myself in a meaningful way, not just with growls and punching. But still, it’s hard, and I did this so easily. I’ve really made progress.

Ty scowls back, but I don’t back down. I’ve always been good at standing my ground, thankfully. Slowly, Ty’s face falls and gets less angry. In fact, he looks a bit regretful. We slowly move apart again. He takes a few deep breaths before he finally speaks again.

“You’re right,” he says, “I’m sorry.”

“Good, apology accepted.” I lean my cheek onto my fist. “Seems both of us are having trouble with our futures.”

“Mine is secure.”

“But not happy.”

He rubs his lips together, like he’s chewing his words. “That doesn’t matter.”

“Why not? Why not do what you want instead?”

“Because I’ve already applied to law school!”

“Okay.” I put my back to the bench again, staring up at the sky through the trees. “Well, I’m nearly done with my maths and am about to start my teaching degrees. Then I've got a private school job lined up, but who knows? Maybe I’ll hate the job and quit and work at shitty customer service jobs for years until I decide to get my shit together and find an actually good teaching gig at a school I like.”

Ty’s dark brows furrow together. “That is extremely specific.”

I shrug, hoping my smirk doesn't say too much. “I don’t know, just a possibility.”

“Alright,” he snorts. “My life will be fine, it won’t go off the rails.”

He looks so sure and resolute. I don’t think I’m going to change his mind, and I don’t think it’s my job to. I can’t save everyone, something Dr. Margaret taught me. Plus I just met this guy. No matter how pretty he is, I don’t know him. (Wish I did.) Hopefully he can figure out his own shit.

“Okay. Your life, you can figure it all out.” I put my hands behind my head, leaning back, staring at the sky.

“Your life is going to be fine,” Ty says. “Agatha says that despite what you think, you’re smart. And I’m partial to agree. You have trouble with relationships, but who doesn’t? You’ve still got a good head on your shoulders. You’ll figure everything out too.”

I can feel my face turns bright red, and from the smirk on Ty’s face he can see it. I rub the back of my neck, trying to use my arm to hide my blush. “Y’know, I get why Agatha liked you. You’re weirdly nice and, well, really hot.”

Now it’s Ty’s turn to have his eyes go wide. He looks very cute. “Wow, you’re pretty forward for a straight guy.”

“Whoever said I was straight?” I smirk at him with one eyebrow raised. I hope I look confident and sexy and not just fucking weird.

“Oh.” His voice is almost a squeak. “I’m sorry I assumed.”

“S’alright, common mistake.” I look down at my stupid Nokia. “Wow, you’re beyond late for your class.”

Ty scoffs. “And who’s fault is that?”

“Okay, yeah, guilty as charged. You should probably get to it though. Need good grades for law school and all.”

“Yes, good point.” He stands up, and I follow, hands in my pockets. I both hate and love that Ty is a little taller than me. “But...it was nice to talk to you, Snow.”

“Feeling’s mutual, Ty. So, uh, see you around.”

I grin brightly, then turn around before I say something really stupid. I usually do in front of pretty people. Plus I need to see Agatha. That’s why I’m here, back in 2003. I’m not supposed to be chasing after a pretty guy who went to my uni ages ago. Even if he is like,  really pretty.

“Simon.” His voice makes me stop in my tracks and turn back.

“Yeah?”

Ty steps forward and holds out a scrap of lined paper. “Since you’re newly single, and now I know you’re not straight, give me a call sometime? If you’re up to it, that is.”

My brain completely short circuits. Blows a fuse. Maybe every fuse. I just stare at Ty with my mouth hanging open for a bit too long. Ty starts to look genuinely concerned. But thankfully the synapses start firing again and I shake it off.

“Um, y-yeah,” I say. “Yeah, I would like that.” I take the paper. “Uh, thank you.”

“You’re most welcome. I hope to see you around as well.”

I watch as he walks away, and I’m mesmerised by the way his hips swing. Fuck, he is so hot. And he likes  me. I honestly have no clue why but I’m not going to question it. I have to make sure to call him before I go back to 2020. But right now I have to find Agatha, so I carefully put the paper in the smallest pocket of my bag, then dash off towards Aggie’s dorm.

———————————————

I knock on the door softly, and there’s no answer at first. “Aggie?” I say. “I came here to say I’m sorry. I won’t yell, I promise.”

Still silence at first. I nearly leave, but then the sound of soft footsteps comes from under the door. The doorknob slowly turns and my pulse increases every second. Agatha is wearing her purple Watford lacrosse sweater, a pair of my trackies that I left behind last week, and blonde hair piled up in a bun. Her eyes are puffy and her cheeks are red. My stomach drops at the sight.

“What are you sorry for?” she asks, voice low and flat. She sounds more tired than angry. For some reason that hurts even more.

I take a deep breath. “I’m sorry for how I treated you, Ags. Our relationship didn’t fall apart for no reason. I didn’t pay attention to what you wanted and took you for granted. I was a terrible boyfriend. And I’m really, really sorry.” I start nervously pulling at my hair. “I-I’m not saying we should get back together. We weren’t happy, and you deserve someone who will put you first. But I still want to be your friend. You’re one of my first and best friends. I’m not sure how to do that, considering I was such an shit boyfriend, but can we figure it out? Together?”

Agatha rubs her lips together, taking slow deep breaths. Her fingers tap against the door one by one. I don’t know if I’m going to throw up or run or both. All are possible. But then Agatha nods slowly.

“Okay,” she sighs.

“Okay?”

“Let’s try to be friends again. I don’t want to lose you either.”

I grin ear to ear. “Okay, awesome, that’s great. I’m so glad you want to as well. I do love you, Ags, and I’m sorry I hurt you so much.”

“Apology accepted, Si, so you don’t need to do it anymore. Let’s just move forward, alright?”

“Alright, yeah, I’d like that.” I rub my neck and nervously gnaw at my lip. “Um, could I hug you? As a friend?”

She smiles softly. It’s been so long since I’ve seen her smile. Not just because I’m from the future, but I can’t remember the last time she smiled back when we were together. I hope I can make her smile more now.

“Yeah,” she says, “that would be nice.”

We both step forward and throw our arms around each other. I haven’t hugged Agatha in a long time either. Sure, we snogged and had sex, (though not very often honestly), but this is so much better. There’s no pressure or nerves. It feels normal. The most normal I’ve ever felt with her.

As we slowly part, we’re still smiling. “You,” Agatha pokes my chest, “need to study for your exam on Monday.”

I chuckle and nod, being silently thankful  I’m not doing that exam again. Once was more than enough. “Yeah, I know. This felt more important though. You’re more important.”

She blinks in confusion. I can’t blame her. Past me was always too focused on my work so that I could reach the happy ending I always wanted. Future me is figuring out that there is no happy ending. There’s just life, and I have to make it what I want, not just wait for happiness to fall into my lap. I haven’t got it down pat but I’m getting there. That’s more than good enough.

“Well, I’m definitely glad to hear that,” Agatha says. “Call me tomorrow. We’ll go get brunch, okay?”

I nod enthusiastically. “Sounds great.” The voice in the back of my head reminds me about the small fact of time travel, and that when I go back to 2015, past me is only going to remember bits and pieces of this day. “But, uh, studying may fry my brain. So could you maybe call instead? And I’ll call next time?”

Agatha sighs with exasperation, but she’s still smiling. “Alright, that’s a valid excuse.” She presses a small kiss to my cheek. It’s completely platonic, and it feels great. “See you later, Simon.”

“Yeah, definitely.” I hug her tight one more time before I go. She gives me a kind wave before closing her door. I’m grinning like a mad man as I walk down the hell. I did it, I saved my friendship with Agatha. I’m so damn happy. Plus I met Ty.

Oh right. I reach into my bookbag, feeling around for my notebook. My hand curls over the rings of the spine as I push open the stairwell door. And I instantly fall face first onto the dirty public school floor.

“Mr, Snow!” Ms. Petty, the nicest janitor in the entire school, possibly in the whole world, rushes to me. “Are you alright?”

“Uh, yeah, yeah,” I say. “I’m fine. Just clumsy.”

“Here, let me help.”

I take her hand and she hoists me to my feet. I still feel a bit dizzy, a small side effect of time travel I know all too well now. Ms. Petty keeps a hand on my back until I regain my bearings. “Alright, I’m good.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, don’t worry. I’ll be alright.”

“Okay, dearie.” She pats my shoulder. “Go get some rest, get your mind off work.”

“Right, yeah, work...”

Ebb gives me one last comforting pat and goes back to sweeping the hallway floor. I wave at her as I leave, hoping she doesn’t see the distress in my face. 

Fuck.

———————————————

AN: Chapter 2 will be posted within the next week, i.e whenever I'm well enough to edit it lol. See you all next time!

#carry on #snowbaz #simon snow #baz pitch #carry on fanfiction #being erica au #time travel #time travel therapy #fluff #angst #first meeting #mysnowbazfic

[animegenork]

Thoughts on Ivan Chapter 5

And so, here we are. I’m finally doing this.

As a disclaimer: I’m very very very very very very late, and I know that. But I also needed to finish the chapter before having official thoughts on it. (Because that makes sense.)

And now, I can.

I made a Google Doc to write down my reactions each day I played, as I am free 2 play and needed to keep track of this stuff. So here is the entirety of the mess that is my reacting to this chapter. (I’m putting all this under the cut so those who don’t care don’t gotta deal with this.)

TL;DR: Eloise and Ivan both fucked up. Eloise didn’t trust Ivan enough and ended up breaking Ivan’s trust. Now they’re at a bit of a stalemate because valid feeling vs. valid feeling = hella heated argument. [You’ll have to actually read to get the full story behind this.]

There we are. This was about 11 pages in Google Doc form. I had a lot of thoughts about this chapter.

I’m probably going to reference a couple things from this post I did where I dove into Ivan’s head a little bit. If you want to know more, take a read. I, uh... I ended up being really accurate, and I’m still freaked out.

To be clear, I bounced back and forth throughout this chapter on how I felt about Eloise and Ivan’s actions and words. And let me make a defining statement about my stance:

Eloise and Ivan both fucked up.

They did. Don’t try to convince me otherwise.

Eloise

I made a post once wondering why people were mad about Eloise being jealous. Because let’s face it: jealousy exists. I can tell you a story of a coworker of mine whose ex-girlfriend would consistently harangue him about our other coworker simply because she existed in the same room as him. Jealousy is some powerful shit.

Fans of otome games may not like it or want to deal with the past lovers/jealousy trope, but honestly it’s necessary. Romance ain’t a perfect science, and the more obstacles you have to go through to be with the one you love, the better it’ll be. But this post isn’t about that.

I understand Eloise a lot here. She’s met this Constance, who meant the WORLD to Ivan, and she knows how (seemingly) perfect she is. HELL, I WOULD BE INSECURE TOO. Eloise is insecure; she wonders if perhaps she can ever measure up to this past lover that Ivan had. She’s starting to experience feelings she may not quite understand, and that’s perfectly okay.

However, she kinda went about it all wrong.

Okay, sure. If I heard about my crush going and seeing his past lover during the day (risking life and limb to do so), I’d be a little suspicious. Maybe the “stalker” or “obsessed” thought would cross my mind. BUT if I remembered that Ivan was clinging to humanity AND realized that letting someone go who means the world to you is incredibly difficult, I would probably be more rational than Eloise. Honestly, Ivan’s big mistake here is letting Eloise find out about this outings because they poisoned her mind a bit.

Now, she could have asked him, “Okay, but why follow her?” Because that would have made more sense than doing the exact thing she was (mentally) calling him out for. But no. She did the same thing. And she found she was unable to hate this woman who, now remarried, used to completely hold Ivan’s heart.

What really ticks me off is that she did this because she didn’t believe him when he said he doesn’t feel the same way about Constance as he used to. She didn’t trust him enough to take him at his word. I mean, he’s a vampire, so I guess fully trusting him is off the table, even though she was fully admiring his shirtless form like 6 seconds ago (I mean, so was I), but anyway.

In the end, Ivan gets mad (UNDERSTANDABLY), and they argue because Eloise has somehow become a little obsessed with this Constance idea. Do you remember what I said about my coworker? His ex was ALSO obsessed with the idea of someone else in his life. It’s a pretty valid concern, and honestly, considering the way I argue with people, I don’t think Eloise’s freak out during the argument is completely unjustified. When you’re insecure, you are trying your DAMNEDEST to prove that there is merit to your worries.

I really sympathized with Eloise at the end of the chapter. She was convinced she’d ruined whatever it is she has with Ivan and that she should’ve kept her big mouth shut. This is exactly how I feel at the end of really bad arguments.

Poor Eloise. She’s never been in a relationship, right? So of course things would go wrong in the first one. But that doesn’t mean she needs to lose hope!

Ivan

I might get rant-y here. Only because some things people have said have PISSED. ME. OFF. Especially in relation to what I now know. (I’m not about to address the claim that Ivan needs a straitjacket now, but it might come in the future, if my newly-acquired knowledge of the definition of psychopathy has anything to say about it.)

Okay, so. Ivan definitely could have been a little clearer when he explained his relationship with Constance. He certainly could have clarified his exact reasons for going to the Village during the day. But with the bits and pieces I gathered, it was... I don’t know, obvious? When you care for someone as much as Ivan cared for Constance, you’re going to wonder how they’re faring after your sudden disappearance. It’s a thing in fiction where if X Character disappears, they wonder how life back home is going.

That might just be me over analyzing character motivations again. Sorry. (It’s an English/Creative Writing major thing.)

Still, this boy trusted that Eloise would give him space after he dug into this painful wound of his. He trusted that she wouldn’t ask anymore until he was ready to go back to poking it. But instead, she went and investigated on her own. Not only does that speak of her not trusting him, but now, how can he trust her when she did this?

I wanna note that before shit hit the fan (i.e. the argument), Ivan was perfectly content with Eloise visiting him. He was ecstatic that she would come to him so early in the night. When she gave him the plant, he BEAMED! He told her that he didn’t think he deserved to care for something like a plant! HE TOLD HER THAT THE FACT THAT SHE GAVE IT TO HIM MADE IT MORE BEAUTIFUL!

Have I mentioned I was sobbing at this part?

I’m not about to go into the nuances of the Chalice-vampire bond, because not much has been explained about it. However, Eloise did, in fact, say something that was very like Constance (all flower-knowledgeable and such), and the fact that that BRIEF tidbit clued her in to Eloise’s actions is interesting. So, yeah. He gets mad that Eloise went to see Constance in person, because that is, in fact, an invasion of his privacy in many ways. It’s like if I went to see my boyfriend’s ex in person just because he gave me a name. (I don’t have a boyfriend, and I wouldn’t do that. Just by the way.) But before that...

You know what I didn’t see in people’s reactions to Chapter 5? How worried Ivan was about us. He saw that Eloise wasn’t acting like herself. And he asked THREE TIMES (count ‘em in my reactions above, he asked THREE TIMES) if she was okay. The THIRD time, he said, “Did I do something wrong?”

I want someone to explain to me how in the fucking world this clues us in to him not caring about us. But anyway.

This concern, in fact, comes up when Ivan starts yelling at Eloise about being reckless. Because she was. Going too far from Ivan fucks with the Chalice bond, AND she did it during the day (and nearly got burnt real bad), AND there’s a murderer on the loose, AND Vlad could’ve found out. What I think a lot of people looked past was that there was concern behind Ivan’s anger. Anger based on concern is a helluva drug, and Ivan was high on that.

So, Eloise broke Ivan’s trust and endangered herself while doing it. And people are mad at Ivan? Okay. Cool. Good to know.

You know what was really crazy about all of this? A lot of the things Ivan said in this chapter really resonated with the post I linked above. I didn’t actually know Ivan didn’t take change (which had fucked him over in the past) well, but he directly said so. I didn’t actually know for sure that Ivan saw Constance as the embodiment of what he’d lost when he turned vamp, BUT HE ACTUALLY SAID IT (the part labeled, “OH MY GOD. OH. MY. GOD.”). I only vaguely understood that Ivan had a hard time coping with his transformation and feared that he was gonna ruin his relationship with Eloise. And yet! I ended up hitting the nail right on the head! I can’t tell if this means I’m magical or that I’m too good at diving into character’s heads.

The best part is that Ivan is the one to call an end to the shouting match. I’m kinda glad he kissed her, first of all, because there were some logical fallacies and circular arguing going on PLUS all of the emotions both were feeling PLUS the Chalice bond fucking them up a bit, SO it kinda served to tell him, “We gotta stop.” He basically says (and this is a paraphrase), “Okay, you go chill, and I’ll stay here and chill, because we’re both very angry and should probably calm down.” RATIONAL IVAN.

I’m really, REALLY confused why people are bashing him left and right (and I WOULD bring up the straitjacket thing again BUT).

[Side Note: I think at the beginning of Chapter 6, he ended up going out anyway because after an argument like THAT, how do you NOT get stuck in your own head and need to leave?]

Final Thoughts

This could all be bullshit. Even the parts where I directly quote what the English version of this chapter gave me. I could be going in too deep for the sake of defending Ivan. But what the Moonlight Lovers fandom needs to remember is that nobody ever said Ivan’s route was going to be easy. I got my fluff. I got some damn good fluff in this chapter, too. I NEVER expected things to NOT go to shit for the sake of the overarching plot. I expected it. That’s the point of this game, for God’s sake: things go to shit because of [PLOT].

There are two main things I think some people may have forgotten.

1. Eloise is allowed to be jealous. I’m sorry the past-lover-jealousy trope isn’t everybody’s cup of tea, but I, personally, find it realistic. Maybe she went about it in the wrong way (although we got some hefty dramarama), but I empathize. I’m hecka insecure; I would be acting very similarly to her.

2. Ivan does, in fact, have a point. He has multiple, actually. I don’t blame him for going further into the “so I would go out to see her-” thing, because how does one properly explain something like that to someone who doesn’t know them that well?!?! Plus, his concern is very clear throughout this chapter, so treating him like he has no emotions/doesn’t give a damn about Eloise is pretty fucking stupid. Perhaps he’s acting rather selfishly most of the time, but do you think Vlad and Bel were entirely selfless 24/7? HELL, I’D BE SELFISH TOO. LOOK HOW FUCKED UP HIS LIFE HAS GOTTEN SINCE HE BECAME A VAMP.

I didn’t really ever plan on doing this post, not until I saw people giving Ivan a lot of shit. Frankly, I’m giving him some shit as well. Considering how close in age Eloise and Ivan are, I’m really not surprised shit hit the fan in this chapter, especially with the decisions both of them made.

But then, I still enjoyed it.

So, yeah. I actually enjoyed this chapter. I was tossed back and forth between empathizing with Eloise and Ivan so much that my conclusion - that both of them had a point and both of them had valid feelings and reactions - was not one I thought I’d make when I went in.

And if anybody else actually happened to find merit in this chapter, don’t be afraid to say so. Hell, you can DM me and tell me EXACTLY why you found merit with it. I don’t mind.

Final Final Thoughts

This is a stupid random thought, but. When did Eloise and Ivan become parts of my psyche incarnate??? Like I empathized with them WAYYYYYY too much. Was this chapter written specifically for me? For a real person who’s felt many of these things before?

Beemoov, did you specifically write Ivan’s route for me? As flattered as I am, this is kinda weird. I didn’t expect to see myself so much in the MC of this game, but here we are.

I’m just bullshitting please no one roast me for having a huge ego it’s just that the coincidence was too uncanny

#moonlight lovers #ml ivan #ml ivan chapter 5 #ml eloise #they both fucked up and i stand by this statement #i'm back on my bullshit sorry #but also not sorry #i stand by everything i said #ivan stans unite #gen rambling again #but not really #this is not rambling in the least #i'm tired now #i crawled into too many character's heads the past few days

[chronicallyillandunhappy]

Gaslighting

This morning the gaslighting started. Him telling me how I feel when he hasn’t got a clue, randomly for no reason. “You’re getting worked up”. I wasn’t at all and was just talking. He was stressed with work so I don’t know if he just took it wrong as he was pissed off with work. I said “no I’m not” and he got pissed off and said “fine you’re not” or something like that in a huff shaking his head. I didn’t speak much after as I didn’t want to start an argument.

I had a doctor appointment on the phone this afterfood. The guy wasn’t a doc and said some utter lies on the phone.

After the call I told him and he was shocked too as he knew it was rubbish as well.

I googled it to make sure the guy was wrong and he was so I said “look a quick google even proves he is wrong” and immediately he started with “you’re getting all agitated”. Because I raised my voice a little as I was annoyed at the guy on the phone but not raising it at him he said I was getting agitated for no reason, cutting me off and interrupting me randomly yet again. I said “I am not, I am just annoyed at this”. And then after all the gaslighting I get all the time I said it.

“you gaslight me all the time”

He flew off the rails! “what is gaslighting” I told him and he tried to say I was gaslighting him because I told him what he had said, which he didn’t deny as he couldn’t as he just said it. That is not gaslighting that is bringing up that someone is doing it all the time. I have it all the time and I have be careful what I say and word things right so he can’t take it wrong or just not saying anything. I got so tired of it plus the him telling me how I am feeling when he is wrong as he isn’t me and doesn’t know. “You get upset easy“ “You’re imagining things” “You’re making things up” “ You’re getting agitated” “ You’re getting worked up” “Why are you so down” “You are always upset” etc etc This is gaslighting. This is what he does everyday to every other day. I can’t just speak as he can find a way to take something wrong and get mad at me and if I do talk he says this kind of crap. He kept complaining and trying to blame me “So I can’t use the pronoun You’re?” like what the hell. I am just so fed up. I ended up in tears as I couldn’t just explain why it upsets me and he just ended the conversation in a childish way. He acts like a child and will walk out a room rather than talking. If my voice is in an upset tone like now as he upset me, he won’t even listen to me and just gaslights more.

To be told that I am gaslighting him just by telling him what gaslighting is and explain why I am upset is ridiculous! Impossible to have a conversation like an adult with him.

#gaslighting #married couple #marriedlife #upset #emotional abuse #depressed #crying #tears #husband

[chibitantei]

I’ll probably write up a manga review one of these days and link the google doc here because I love writing too much and adding pictures for evidence, but just for the record, I really wanted to like Adachi’s parts in the manga. but blehfheb bad

After the meeting I’ve bitched about and the reveal that Adachi is the culprit, Souji confronts him in the TV and says something “I trusted you!” which, yeah. carries a lot of emotion when you realize he’s saying this after one not plot meeting with adachi.

then the battle. there are emotions. souji is pissed at adachi for never ‘meeting the dojimas halfway’ (manga translation). like. when did he know this. did he suddenly figure that shit out during that meeting? bro there isn’t even a scene where souji realizes this and recalls adachi half assing this. we get flashbacks to adachi seeing this but. feels lame as fuck dude.

There has to be some bond there if adachi lends magatsu-izanagi to souji so he can beat the disco camera eyeball. There has to be one if Adachi is the one to make the rousing speech that motivates Souji in the battle against Izanami after he’s stuck in Izanami’s hellpit of fun. not yosuke, the guy souji hangs out with the most and has the best character dev. not teddie, your mandated S-Link. Not the Dojimas, who are vaguely implied to be part of the reason why souji wants to have a fresh start with his parents.

But I am not an Adachi fan, so I was not really the intended audience for any of this, but still, if I may, the whole thing

deadass put more scenes with adachi bonding with the dojimas + souji and I would’ve been fine. but nope. this makes me mad. not even cardboard exposition fairy naoto who was told by yosuke to fuck off and hang out with adachi and deal with dojima’s car accident made me this salty lmao

uh anyways brb time to write some naoto analysis/headcanon post or something ecks dee.

#ooc: outta coffee #sorry salt is eternal

[bionicdragonguardian1]

Voltron Rewritten Defender (1/8)

Also known as My Almost Raging Bitch List for this Goddamn Disastrous Disappointment of a Show

I binged all 8 seasons in under a week, so believe me when I say almost nothing was forgotten between seasons/episodes and I do tend to note that.

If it’s not obvious by the title, I’m planning an entire show AU. I am extremely open to people’s opinions on what I’m currently thinking and when I finally post this I’ll be open to criticism there too. If you would like to avoid seeing anything in regards to this feel free to blacklist #voltron_rewritten_defender because that’s what I’ll be using for this whole thing.

Enjoy, I guess.

Fair warning I am a multishipper, but for this show I leaned towards Klance, so if that bothers you that’s okay, I’m not going to be bashing any other ships (mainly just Dreamworks’ forced Allurance). If you think I missed something for any other ship lemme know! If you wanna have a ship discussion that’s cool too. The only other thing I can think of is that Allura’s attitude in S8 really stuck with me to the point that she bothered me throughout the entire rewatch (I was admittedly one of the people who thought she could be very Mary Sue ish when I first watched this) so that’ll show up now and again.

If you want to look at the Google Doc for the whole show, click the link, if not you can expand this post to see Season 1. I’ll be doing these in chunks, but as some of you know I do a FicRecList on one of my other accounts here @sorcerusdragonbionics​ so I’m gonna be alternating between that and these for the next couple days.

If you do the Google Route it’ll have you ask me for permission, this is normal and if you request it I’ll give you commenting abilities.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1t30IRJonrBFh0qvs8recf3ayGoQ0rx02y0Tg1e4NTaI/edit?usp=sharing

Key

Things I kinda wanna bitch about

Things I did genuinely enjoy and like 

Rewatch Thoughts (basically what I remember from further forward and how I feel like it reflects back on earlier seasons)

Ship Talk (behold my multishipping insanity)

Things I think I’ll do in the Rewrite

Writing Notes (mainly for me or as explanation for what I’m planning)

VA and Closed Captioning Things

Other Fic Thoughts

This ended up being music commentary in S8

Season One

Problems with the Season overall:

To be honest if I hated this season I wouldn’t’ve kept watching because by the time I started S3 had just dropped

Episode 1

Here’s the deal, WHY ARE YOU SO LONG BUT SO EMPTY?!?

Yeah, nope, that’s mostly it

Fix the problem of telling instead of showing about the other Lions and remove Allura’s explanation of the Lions if possible (thank you Kross for explaining why it felt so empty- this vid is actually where I started getting the idea to actually go through with a full series AU)

DON'T RUSH THE LION INTROS

Also let the 5 introduce themselves to Allura and Coran

Also Character Drive to Complete Mission Should Be A Thing

Flesh out Paladin Personalities so that the Aris Arrival is End of Part One (making it closer to the length of E1)

Flesh out Lion intros so part 2+3 are more like full Eps without Sendak

Episode 2

75 degrees… that’s definitely in Fahrenheit, which why?

How does no one have a watch with a date on them?

“A man can be driven to do anything if a beautiful woman is just really really mean to him”

More inbetween scenes bc I can

I will accept the transformation sequence here, I’m just not going to write it

Episode 3

Please watch the use of Earth Time Slices please, because it’s confusing

I love the portrayal of PTSD in this show and I would die before I change it

Bye bye transformation sequence

Pidge’s talk with Shiro can please change

Episode 4

“I say Vol, you say Tron” will come up again if it kills me

Lance, how do you know what hotdog water and feet taste like?

I love how Coran is completely nonchalant about the fact that he’s drinking a hair tonic

Shiro, don’t bring down the mood

Goddammit Sendak, you could stay for this arc, but god I want you GONE!

Keith, having an emotion? Really?

The Pidge plot DID NOT NEED TO HAPPEN LIKE THAT!

Fight me I will change it

Or minimally change the fact that their selfish motivations are revealed to BAD and should be changed

Oh yeah, let’s not give the ONE GUY with notable homesickness a character arc around that

That moment when you realize Allura is like ‘wtf is a peanut’

Allura, don’t push it, some people don’t want to talk about it

You will have something to talk about, BIOLOGY

Decryption happens here, and next attempt to find family occurs… when?

Poor Coran, if there is anyone who was more forgotten than Lance it was him

Keith isn’t wrong, but he also doesn’t know how to say it without getting mad, which mood

Just pointing out Lance is not only smart, but selfless, tell me how he’s not the main character

My inner Shance/Klance shipper is sobbing

“Bomb fuel” mentioned here, occurs… actually it’s ok

Timelines need to be a thing!

Can I make the fight scenes more intense? Yes, I write them for my YJ Scripts. Will I? Almost definitely.

Keith with that much fire your mask should be closed because smoke inhalation is bad

Can we explain Vrepit Sa before s6?

It feels like Coran forgets that 10k years have passed under an evil empire and part of me likes it, but it hurts me

Episode 5

The Katie flashback is hurts me

I want to add Gender Identity

Can we talk about how Shiro is a nickname for Takashi Shirogane?

That’s not how an EMP works

The Coran sitting on Hunk’s shoulders with a machine gun is everything

I know the back x-ray was a joke, but I still don’t like it

Rax is an idiot, just saying

Bonding Moment!!!

Episode 6

“Intergalactic time measuring competition.”

“We had a bonding moment!”

Where is Sendak’s arm?

Fight me, Pidge’s ‘gender speech’

It will be a gender speech if it kills me

Lance, why are you acting the way you are?

“I figured” and “We were supposed to think you were a boy” ARE NOT PROPER REACTIONS!

Rolo, sometimes I want to punch you in the teeth

Lance’s boner is going to get someone killed

Lance had 4sec of logic and then Nyma brings up Keith, which ofc does him in

Let’s expand on the Komar, yeah?

Quiznack means fuck and NO ONE can tell me otherwise

Keith’s ability to fly is impressive and it’s awesome

Friendly reminder that Lance acknowledged the bonding moment

Episode 7

I LOVE the laser gun sound effects!!!

I just realized that Allura has no clue what an Acronym is

We… literally just talked about this and YOU didn’t know that Shiro, I understand the point, but seriously?

LIONS are TELEPATHIC Shiro DID NOT need to say that aloud!

I do actually like the fact that Kieth gets excited before realizing what he did

FIRE and ICE PEOPLE come on! What the hell?! You barely had to try

“Yes sir?” Keith to Shiro, what?

I love them and their cute little arguments

Left vs Right, thank you Zamber

We be lovin’ Hunay bc it’s pure as hell

Thank you Shiro for validating Hunk’s concerns

You could check  a little faster, Allura

I LIVE for this scene

Was it actually Rolo?

Do they have teleporters?

Keith being weird is my favorite thing

I love good big bros who argue tradition to save their baby sis

Zarkon is a bit of a moron

THEIR LIVES ARE IN DANGER ALLURA!

They all came through different doors… how?

What if the answer was no?

I’m ok with Lance embarrassing himself when he’s cocky, some people seem to forget that

Bye transformation sequence, I explained you ONCE and that’s it

Prorock… why are you familiar?

Episode 8

I admittedly forgot that they didn’t know these things would be different

Flying fight scenes I can do, teleporting not so much

Poor Shiro he thought he had an idea and he was wrong

I love Coran’s reaction

Also NO SHIT Allura

UHHHH Pidge said that not and of the other three so how did He know?

Allura may piss me off, but I do love this speech

“Your Altean Energy”??? Coran, you’re an Altean, I’m confused.

The “Sacred Altean” thing I get, but you must be more specific cuz it makes Coran sound like he thinks he’s not a proper Altean.

Oof, angsty

Also, I  know we can’t kill Allura yet, but... 

I love that Hunk forgot they hadn’t formed Voltron

Bye bye transformation sequence

Ummm, they NEED to explain the Bayard Equip bc that’s… two very different things that occurred between Hunk and Keith’s Bayard Weapons

Why is this a scene? It’s not a dog. So, yeah, I’m with Keith here

Episode 9

THIS IS NOT HEALTHY ALLURA!

I just realized that this doesn’t come back until S..7? 8? Whatever, WAY too long

I can’t unhear “Training Dick”

Did they have homework on Altea?

Be still my Punk shipper heart

WHY is he SO pretty?!

Y’know, the glowing red eye is usually a bad sign

I could SO mean and hurt Keith here

That moment when you’re like 90% sure Shiro heard that somewhere

Not what haunted means Coran, but accurate

Why could Lance see Alfor for a second?

I too would like the answer to “where was the Red Lion?”

PTSD IS AMAZINGLY WRITTEN!

It’s a shame this is NEVER treated properly again

Thank you for NOT making the swimming thing a thing

You didn’t need to TRY Voltron, what the hell?!

Here’s the deal,  Altea not being Obliterated-obliterated is actually a really interesting idea

Lance still wins, for the record

If she was infected in any way this wouldn’t drive me crazier than a bot on Halloween

But she’s not so this is BULL

Shallura confuses me SO much…

Ok, admittedly the scene with Allura and Alfor is beautifully heartbreaking

Episode 10

The fact that Zarkon was a close friend to Alfor should be addressed

Also Shiro calling himself “an inexperienced Pilot” hurts

Allura’s a MORON!

YES! MASSIVE ISSUE WITH YOU COMING

Nice puppetry Hunk

What happened to THIS Allura?! She’s reckless but not INSANE (or so boring I might cry)!

Is this the same Druid from Season 8? Pretty sure it’s 8… I forget which, but the one Keith fought

“Don’t walk through that door!” / Keith does/ “I think I told him” // “You are a paragon of leadership, Lance”

Hehheh I love Hunk teasing Lance about Allura

I do actually the fact that I can’t tell what size the purple container is until Keith grabs it

Heheh the Allura interacting with the Galra soldier

The computer sounds like Lance

Also Shiro had that “holy shit” moment

I HATE WRITING TELELPORTING FIGHTS

I’m 99% sure that the ONLY reason I didn’t fall into the Galra Keith rabbit hole was the fact that I binge watched

This scene confuses me… so much now that I know Shallura was apparently never going to be a thing

So confused

Episode 11

That hair flip though...

Coran, I get it, but calm down

Okay, but Keith has a point. Seriously, he’s not wrong. 

For the record, Haggar scares me

So much makes so much more sense now that we know Zarkon is the Original Black Paladin

That… makes no sense… “enough essence to open a wormhole”

Why are you transforming? More pieces to shoot at is usually a smart idea…

Hey hey, THACE!

Why can’t you have two active at once? I’m honestly serious.

I mean too OP, got it, but you can maneuver around that for temporary stuff

Shiro, use your words, yeah?

“Thinking” uh huh you mean “telepathy” right?

I genuinely forgot that Shiro got booted from Black

Damn! Yes Shiro! Kick some ass!

Ok, here’s the deal, Keith’s not listening to Coran, but he doesn’t have all the info (LIKE THE FUCKING BAYARD), Zarkon’s the OG Paladin, and he’s in distress

I HATE TELEPORTERS!

“Could have been” … uh Kuron exists ?? 

Also, Shiro with yellow eyes is fucking terrifying

We ain’t ficking stupid VLD

Zarkon’s a fucking idiot

Written properly his power-hungry attitude works even with him destroying his own ship

But it wasn’t so it’s null

You aren’t even subtle about Galra Keith

How can Allura see through Illusions?

Nobody knows!

Shiro, you have no jetpack, how are you so fast?

“Who cares, wormhole!” mood

I… uh… I want to do SO many things with this idea

Preferably not what they actually do...

#voltron legendary defender #voltron legendary disappointment #voltron legendary disgrace #voltron legendary disaster #voltron #voltron rewritten defender #voltron season 1 #ship thoughts #multishipper #episode thoughts #season thoughts #shiro #lance #keith #voltron allura #pidge #hunk #coran

[darkvolley]

talk to me about ienzo spending his growing years being an emotionless husk and therefore not understanding what it means to be a person because he literally never learned out how, the years a person uses to discover themselves, establishing an identity were robbed from him, killed as a child and then waking up as an adult, how does this make you feel

Oooohhhh fuck yeah babey! Whippin' out google docs for this one. I've made so many essays on Ienzo and his emotional/mental development, or really lack thereof, and how absolutely pissed off it makes me. Like it really all just loops back around to me hating adults, but kfjvivjck here we go for the hundredth time cuz I literally cannot shut up about best boy and how tragic he is.

Okay so, like,,, we gotta start at the beginning here. Cuz Ienzo's got no parents. We don't know for sure what happened to them and if it was tragic or not and if it was we also don't know if Ienzo happened to see anything bad or not. There's just no way to know. But regardless! At some point Ienzo was taken in by Ansem the Wise. Surrounding Ienzo is Ansem, obviously, Even, who's pretty cranky and kinda egotistical, Dilan, a very uncaring guy, Aeleus, who obviously did care but clearly never did anything, and Braig, who well… regardless of if you think he was Luxu the whole time or not, is still not a good influence. So this is a small child sorta being raised by some not so perfect father-figures. Even tho Ansem cared I'm sure he was still busy a lot. Even was shown to be in charge of watching him but Ienzo did run off at one point implying him sneaking away is a common occurrence and/or Even isn't good at watching him like he's supposed to.

And let's keep in mind that even before Terranort showed up human experimentation was something that was happening in the castle. I dunno if all the apprentices were partaking in that before Terranort's arrival, but they definitely were afterward. And now we get into the beginning of the worst part.

Ienzo starts getting manipulated. Ansem the Wise's reports say the lab in the basement was a decision spurred on by Ienzo. Ansem had that lab built cuz Ienzo convinced him. A small child told his father figure that building a lab meant for human experiments would be a good idea. There's no way in hell Ienzo made that decision himself. He is a child who trusts the only adults that have raised him so far. If they tell him to do something he would likely do it. So Ienzo was manipulated(most likely by Terranort or Luxu) into manipulating what's basically his adoptive father.

Then it all just keeps getting worse! Eventually Ansem finds out what's going on in that lab in the basement. He wants it all shut down, but no one's going to listen to him. They've been too manipulated themselves by Terranort and Luxu. The other apprentices banish him to the Realm of Darkness and at some point Ienzo's going to have to know where Ansem went. So what do they tell him? They tell this little boy that his adoptive father went fucking mad. And not only that, but also that he fucking abandoned them! Just lost his mind and left them all, Ienzo included! And like, sure! They don't want Ienzo to know that they've become the bad guys, maybe they think it's the lesser of two evil explanations, but by how pained the poor man looked in 3, clearly what he was told had been eating at him for a whole decade. He'd been clinging onto that answer he was given ever since that day and realizing that he'd been lied to brought out just as many emotions as seeing Ansem return did.

And just when you think it can't get any worse, we reach the pinnacle. The day everyone became Nobodies. It was pretty much a choice everyone made. Dilan being the most willing, and Luxu apparently having no idea that was part of the plan considering his reaction. Or he at least didn't plan on getting stabbed by Terranort with his own Keyblade to make it happen. Anyway, I highly doubt Aeleus was truly okay with the whole thing without a ton of manipulation. And for Even it probably took less manipulation but, my point. Those two did need at least some manipulation unlike Terranort and Luxu. But Terranort was obviously being manipulated Luxu but that's not really what I'm talking about here. Anyway, Dilan has been proven to be just kinda shitty in general in a previous analysis of mine so I feel he was pretty much on board from the start, he just needed some talking to first.

So back to Ienzo! Again, there's no way this child willingly made the decision to become a Nobody. But, at this point the kid has lost his adoptive father, these are the only people he trusts, and he's a damn child! He is malleable and would believe whatever he's told since he believed Ansem really did abandon them. He's gonna trust that whatever becoming a Nobody means would actually be a good thing. And I doubt that even if Terranort and/or Luxu explained the whole deal to the other three that they'd also give the full picture to Ienzo.

So poor boy gets stabbed by Terranort and ends up a Nobody. At some point they go to The World That Never Was and take up home there. Zexion isn't the only kid in the Org, but Axel and Saix likely did keep more to themselves, plus they're teenagers and at this point 16/17 so they're almost adults. But anyway, he's in this new place that's all white and honestly to me feels like a stone cold prison from the atmosphere it gives off in Days.

And included in the whole ordeal is what comes with being a Nobody. Obviously we know everyone was lied to about not being able to get their hearts back without Kingdom Hearts, but they didn't know that. Zexion's just a kid and he's being told he doesn't have a heart anymore nor can he get it back unless they work on completing Kingdom Hearts. He's told he can't feel emotions without a heart, so he's going to question every little thing he feels and be in denial about it being emotions. And even tho he doesn't believe he can feel emotions, he still can. How else is he supposed to get a new heart eventually if he can't anyway?

So, like plenty of teens, Zexion gets angry that he can't control his life and he's stuck in the situation he's in now. He becomes the snarky Zexion that we all know. All his backhanded talk is his way of letting out even the smallest amount of frustration he can while not acting out in a way that'll get him in trouble with Xemnas. All his caretakers have become kinda worse people and he ends up surrounded by even more people that are kinda shitty. I mean, Luxord's pretty normal tho so he might be excluded from that. But then there's Lexaeus, who was shown to be regretful of leaving Zexion alone after he loses to Riku. It's pretty clear that he's the first person that really regrets the way everything has turned out, or who has at least expressed it at that point, and is upset that Zexion had to be apart of it all. But other than that it doesn't seem like anyone really cares for Zexion. He and Vexen have mostly been shown bickering and in the extra scene in KH2 Xigbar/Luxu seems to just like teasing Zexion. He even brought up the experiments they did which is likely a sore spot for Zexion considering everything he's been through.

And then there's the way he goes out. Getting strangled to death by Repliku on Axel's orders. I've gone over this one in detail before but if I'm gonna have everything on this post I might as well do it again in a condensed form. We don't really know the extent of Ienzo's relationship with Lea and Isa, but they had to have at least known each other when the two ended up becoming apprentices. And growing up in the Org together they had to have done missions together at least a few times and they were in meeting together and all that. Since those two were on the younger end as well, they had to have some understanding of how Zexion was feeling through it all. And yet Axel and Saix had it planned the whole time that Zexion was going to die at Castle Oblivion along with everyone else. This little kid that they'd known since their Radiant Garden days, dying like the others so they could get closer to having a chance to figure out what happened to a girl that Saix started questioning the very existence of. And then you have to wonder about how that affected Ienzo. Was there ever a moment where he was scared to see Riku again after a fake version killed him? Does he secretly hold it against Lea? Does he have nightmares of getting choked???

And after the worst of it is over, he finally wakes up and he's himself again. He's home, but during his reunion with Ansem is when we finally see the lasting effects of everything he's been through. He says he was just a boy, but he should have known better. That means all these years Ienzo believed he should have done something. Even as a child he should have been able to see past the manipulation and put a stop to it. But that's wrong. So completely wrong. He was a child while everyone else was an adult. Ienzo shouldn't have to keep all that guilt of not being able to do anything on his shoulders. It should have been the adults' responsibility to protect Ienzo. Being a child in the first place means he's prone to blaming himself and thinking everything was his fault. If only he could have seen through the manipulation, told Ansem when he was still around, or another adult not involved, or stopped them all himself then none of this would have happened. That's what he tells himself, which is so horribly wrong. And even as an adult he carries all that guilt around which means he was never able to realize that he couldn't have done much, if anything, and he shouldn't have had to in the first place. He doesn't realize it was the adults' responsibility. That's where the stunted maturity comes in. In that aspect he still thinks like a child cuz he never truly got to grow up from being one. He still has all that guilt even after eleven years.

And it all fucking kills me. That's how it makes me feel. It makes me continue to feel my life long contempt for adults that don't care for children cuz children are apparently inferior. And no matter what kids are going to blame themselves, even if they know they shouldn't. Even if they're self aware enough to know it's a thing kids just naturally do, they're still prone to it. And by God if there's anything so deeply realistic in anything Nomura has ever done, it's Ienzo's characterization. It's how real and human he is despite being a fictional character. Him and his struggles feel so real because we were all kids and so many of us have had fucked up parts of our childhood and if there's one relatable thing in Kingdom Hearts it's the guilt Ienzo has felt for eleven goddamn years and I'm gonna fuckin cry and this time it's not about the reunion scene. Ienzo just means that fucking much to me for all the bullshit he's had to unwillingly put up with cuz of crappy adults.

#i didnt expect to get so upset by the end of this #kingdom hearts #ienzo #kh ienzo #analysis #ienzo analysis #ask #long post

[ottorocket808]

Chapter Four: Will the Wise

Joyce flyin into this parking is funny to me she’s on red alert right now.

I would’ve slapped Will. If I keep shaking you like she is and you won’t wake up get ready for the big face open palm slap. The Will gettin infected scene makes me super uncomfortable.

Bruh they got two dining room tables Joyce is doing her thing with the decorating. There you go Joyce connect the dots. You can’t help but feel bad for Will mans was violated by a gigantic shadow creature.

Yup he’s pissed. Pause, Hop when did El lie? Picking a fight with a child is a bad idea picking a fight with a child who can throw you across the room with her mind is a way worse idea. She asked that lady for directions so duh they saw her but seriously why did she call the police? She put herself in danger Hop nobody wants you they’d only come for you if you get in the way. Timeout you promised her she could leave and then got mad when she left? But she doesn’t want your safety Hop she wants her freedom. Oh yes you do Hop you tell massive lies you just haven’t been caught yet. She followed your rules for 325 days straight that ain’t bad record. I understand that she broke a rule but to take anything from someone who already has so little is fucked up and who takes away Eggos they’re waffles not cookies. You are picking a fight that you can’t win Hop. Why not just take the antenna off why rip out the power cable? That was fucked up that was a low blow if I ever saw one how can you claim to care for her but then tell her you’ll send her back to the lab? She’s 13 Hop how grown do you expect her to be? You need to learn how proper conflict resolution. All Hop had to do was talk to her calmly he had hours to calm down this shit could’ve been avoided. But noooo he had to come in hot and now she busted every window in the main area of the house and knocked over the bookshelf in front of his bedroom door.

He was in a dumpster what do you expect?

I’d feel like something was horribly wrong if I was scared to take a bath.

Just apologize Hop you fucked up she fucked up be the adult and lead the way. You ripped the power cord out you can’t fix that you now have to buy a new tv because you lost your temper on a 13 year old girl.

Joyce is wearin Flo out this morning they all need walkies so they can talk to each other because Joyce is probably losing her mind because Hop doesn’t have a phone.

Not the biggest Billy fan but he’s not wrong plant your feet. Further proof that this asshole is not and was never Steve’s friend I want Billy to fuck ol dudes girl just because he’s so fucking irritating.

Her and Jonathan are putting their families at risk even though they both signed confidentiality agreements basically saying that everything they know never happened they’d both be buried if this was real all she needs to do is cry, admit her guilt to herself, and stop having dinner with Barbs parents. Oh don’t try to run now you were stupid the government could literally ship them away never to be heard from again.

Mans is chillin literally without a shirt with every window and door open in November Indiana.

Cmon Dustin Cmon Lucas y’all know there are certain things she can’t know without putting her life at risk y’all legit almost died last year do y’all want that on you conscience if she dies because y’all brought her into it?

It really was a mistake the gate itself wasn’t supposed to be opened El did it on accident and this man is not personally responsible for Barb’s death so what exactly is Nancy looking for? Oh yeah to make herself feel better by blaming other people for the outcome her selfish ass actions drove. Foreshadowing. Heavy Russian foreshadowing. Nah they still don’t fully grasp it at all doc they wanna tell on you and get you thrown in jail for something you didn’t do and get a new group to do what you’re doing monitoring The Upside Down.

Hop since you enjoy acting like El’s father do you plan on telling anyone where you’re goin to help make sure that you make it home safely? No? ok. Super responsible parenting from the prideful man baby.

I ain’t mad at Max I’d feel the same way but she also knows that Mike don’t want her in The Party or even to be her friend so I’m not 100% sure why she’s upset. What the fuck is that supposed to mean Billy?? Why can’t she hang out with Lucas?

I googled it to see what the actor thought about his character mans basically said he’s threatened at the thought of other men entering his circle and Max unfortunately for Lucas is in that circle it’s a damn shame his dad damaged him so much that he can’t have a regular relationship with a single guy unless he knows they’re BETA.

But didn’t Hop just tell us last night that he doesn’t lie he does a bunch of other crap that’s a big ass lie to tell a little girl that her mother is dead when you know she isn’t and you have a box full of paperwork on her hidden in your cellar.

Joyce, Joyce, Joyce you can’t block Party members out they love Will too and look out for him just like you do.

For a place as big on security as they are they were stupid for not searching them both before letting them into the building or at least before letting them leave.

This is nothing more than a way for her to feel less guilty it doesn’t matter what happened in that lab Barb would’ve been safe at home if it wasn’t for Nancy

I wouldn’t have picked that up it looks disgusting. Well that’s terrifying poor Mews.

I’m still disappointed in Hop this is irresponsible af. Bruh call for backup tell the scientists what you found anything is better than dropping into the Upside Down with only your revolver as a weapon which you know is useless against anything down there guns didn’t stop the Demogorgon El did.

#stranger things #Stranger Things #strangerthings2 #Stranger Things Season 2 #Will The Wise

[jchall110]

So ordinarily I would put something like this on my Twitter, as that’s kind of turned into my personal vent/diary platform as of recent, but this is going to be much longer than Twitter can allow, and I need to write this all out without losing my train of thought. It’s gonna go behind a Read More, and I’d like to request that you only read it if we’ve been mutuals for a while, and only if you really want to. I’m not expecting any response, hell I don’t want any responses, I just need to put my thoughts down somewhere, and if I put it in a Google doc or something I’m gonna come back to it later and dwell on it, but if I just put it somewhere and immediately delete it, I’m not going to be able to talk to my therapist about it on Monday. Anyway, content warnings abound, as I’m gonna be talking about depression, anxiety, self-harm, suicide, covid-19, stalking, emotional abuse, and a pretty negative experience I had in a partial hospitalization program at a local mental institute. You’ve been warned. (Also for those of you who are new here, “ignore me” is my personal rant/vent tag, feel free to blacklist it to avoid seeing future posts like this)

So. Here’s a brief recap of the past year and a half in my life. Back in October of 2018, my best friend went through a very bad breakup with her emotionally abusive ex, while another of my friends was struggling very much with his mental health and attempted suicide. I was miserable working at Target and was gearing up to return to school in the Spring. I had also had feelings for the friend who went through the breakup, and she sort of had feelings for me, but she also had feelings for the other friend, and I had some vague kind-of feelings for the other friend as well, so in December we all decided “fuck it, let’s all date.” I won’t recap the full details of the relationship but it was a goddamn shitshow. His mental heath continued to deteriorate and he wasn’t seeking treatment for any of it, her mental health was extremely poor as well as a result of two years of emotional abuse and extreme codependency issues, and my mental health suffered greatly because of the expectations placed on me, as well as his frequent mood shifts where he would go from wanting to spend the rest of our lives together to, at one point, telling me things in an effort to get me to hurt or kill myself. Not a good situation by any measure. School was good, though, and the two classes I took last Spring were excellent, and I was ready to go back to school full-time in the Fall. Flash forward to September of 2019. My mental health is terrible, though my academics are very strong. I decide, after a few specific incidents, that I can’t be in the relationship with the both of them anymore and break up with him. A lot of bad things happened. She ended up leaving him as well. Then, about a month later, she left me as well and moved out of the state with someone she had met on OKCupid only a few weeks prior. At this point I need to take a medical leave of absence from school and move back in with my parents because I’m so depressed and traumatized that I can barely function. You see, since breaking up with him, he had been harassing me, even after I had attempted to get the police involved. He would call me, text me, make new Facebook accounts to send me message requests, anything to try to get in touch with me. So with all of this happening, and with me basically unable to do anything, I decide to look into a partial hospitalization program at a mental institution not far from where I live. Insurance covered most of it, my parents said they’d pay for the rest, so I started the program in early November. Ordinarily it’s only a three or four week program. I was there for at least 5. It was essentially a day program, so I would be there from 9 to 3 every day Monday to Friday. It was a really great program, except for a few things. Firstly, because it was a program both for mental health and addiction, a lot of the programming wasn’t really applicable to me, as the only thing that I’m addicted to is sugar, and I have no plans to break that habit. There’s a history of temporary psychosis caused by mind-altering substances in my family, and I don’t want to even find out if it applies to me as well. I barely even drink. So anyway, I was one of maybe three people who was there exclusively for mental health, so my options for programming were a bit limited, until a bunch of us complained about the repetitiveness of that aspect of the program and they switched things up a bit. Unfortunately it was at the tail end of my time in the program, so I didn’t exactly get much benefit from that. Secondly, and more importantly, close to the end of my time in the program, one of the mental health workers, a pre-doctoral intern who was running most of the “classes” that I was in, said a few things to me that were really frustrating and upsetting. Firstly she said that “ADHD doesn’t exist, it’s just a reaction to trauma. Too many kids are getting diagnosed with it when they just have regular attention issues, and in adults a diagnosis is almost always accompanied with trauma. And of course people are going to perform better when they’re on a stimulant.” Which. Is wrong on so many accounts. First of all, it’s overdiagnosed in the wrong people and massively underdiagnosed in the people who actually have it, especially young girls. And secondly, of course it’s paired with trauma when adults are diagnosed with it. They’ve had to deal with it for their entire lives up until then without knowing why they couldn’t do things the same way as everyone else, and there’s also a lot of trauma in general that comes with having ADHD considering how many people say “Oh, you’re just not trying hard enough” or “You’re just making excuses,” not to mention the self esteem issues that come with it. And thirdly, yeah people will perform better when on stimulants, but does taking a stimulant make everyone else tired? Cuz it does for me because it lets me slow down my brain enough to actually sleep. So yeah, that was fucked up. But the second thing she said was probably worse, and it didn’t actually occur to me how much this impacted me until earlier today when I realized something, but I’ll get to that realization soon. So it’s my second-to-last day in the program. I had gotten almost no sleep the previous night because I had a massive panic attack right before bed because my asswipe ex messaged me some really fucked up stuff. So I’m way out of it, and my ability to concentrate is pretty shit. I’m doing my best, though, and I’m paying attention to the discussion. We were talking about the parts of the brain and how they’re impacted by trauma. There were a few times during that day where I had forgotten words but still knew what I was talking about, and at least one of them had happened in front of this woman. So she asks “Does anybody know what the part of the brain is that connects the two hemispheres?” I say “Oh, I do” cuz I do know what it is, but for the life of me I can’t remember what the name is. (It’s the corpus callosum.) So she looks at me and says, out loud, in front of the entire group, “You know, it’s okay if we don’t know everything.” So I get all flustered and embarrassed and mad at myself because, in my ADHD people-pleaser brain, the teacher just failed me in front of the whole class and now they all hate me. So I don’t say a goddamn word for the rest of the day, and the next day I leave without saying goodbye to that one woman, after leaving a glowing review in the exit survey. So the thing about this that’s really fucked up is that like two days before, I sat down with her and told her how I have a lot of specific trauma around rejection and failure, especially relating to my dad and how he constantly asserts that I don’t try hard enough or that I need to do better, shit like that. Like, that was a major theme with me the whole time I was in the program. It was like, getting over the intense rejection of my best friend/girlfriend running away with a guy she just met, and my relationship with my dad. That was it. (Of the two, the one there that’s still a major thing in my life is my relationship with my dad. At this point, she can fuck off with whoever she wants. I’m more pissed at her than anything else now.) So for her to turn around and embarrass me in front of the entire group like that, when there was solid evidence that a) I did know what I was talking about and b) I was having a very off day was really messed up. In thinking about it, there was quite a few messed up things that she did in the last week or so that I was there. Probably more during the rest of my time there but I don’t actually remember most of it because working on your trauma can be traumatizing itself, go figure. Anyway, I had almost completely forgotten about that until earlier today when I was thinking about how I was getting much more sensitive to rejection and perceived failure recently than I was before all this had happened. Part of it is probably my increased estrogen dose fucking with my mood, but the majority of it, I think, stems from that one incident of her pretty much violating my trust and invalidating me in front of like twelve people that I really trusted and felt close with. Fucked me up, yo. Anyway, so I leave the program and start working for my dad at his machine shop. Things are going super well, I’m making a fair bit of money, keeping in touch with my friends as best I can, and doing my best to avoid my ex harassing me further. About midway through December I change my phone number so that he’ll stop calling me (he had several ways to get around me blocking his number), and in the middle of February I change my name on Facebook so he won’t be able to find me and send me more message requests, cuz there’s no way to stop that from happening either, and the police were useless because “I wasn’t in any physical danger.” At this point he had moved away from my town, presumably back with his parents but I don’t really know, and I really don’t care. So he messages my siblings on Facebook trying to get my phone number, and then somehow finds my Facebook again and sends me a picture of him cutting his wrist. So I get fed up, go to a local domestic violence prevention nonprofit, talk with one of their advocates, and file a restraining order against him. It gets approved, and the messages stop. A court date is set for us both to meet with a judge to discuss everything and see if it needs to stay in place or not or whatever, and for about 2 weeks everything is great. Then covid-19 starts hitting. I get what was probably just the flu or a cold or whatever a few days before the court date. Then the state that I live in announces that most court hearings are postponed until mid-April. I check on the website and find that stalking and domestic violence, among a few others, are exempt from this and will be going on as scheduled. Because I was recently sick, I call the courts the day before and ask if I can appear over the phone. They say yes, it’s all good, great. So the next morning I call in and things get moving. It turns out that my ex didn’t show up to the hearing, even though he definitely knew about it. So I talk with the judge for a few minutes and we decide that I don’t need the restraining order anymore because he’s not likely to start harassing me again, and if he does I can always get a new one or get the police involved. And so far I haven’t heard a peep from him so I’m assuming that chapter of my life is closed for good, which is excellent. But then more things start to close down, and my dad basically tells me that he doesn’t really need me at work and it’s best if I stay home. So since then I’ve been staying at home. It’s been 15 days total that I’ve been home, with only minimal trips to work for an hour here and there. And I really don’t do well with isolation. It’s not all bad, because I live with my parents, so I have some social contact, but as was mentioned above I don’t exactly get along with my dad, I don’t have a lot in common with my stepmom, and my grandmother is a grumpy old lady who isn’t very good for conversations about much else than knitting and Jeopardy. I’ve been doing my best to stay in touch with folks online, and it’s been decent, but it’s still pretty rough. And when Animal Crossing came out and all of my friends started playing it, I started feeling even worse because I’m poor as shit and don’t even have a Switch, and they’re fucking $400, which is a whole student loan payment for me. So I’ve been pretty miserable the past two weeks. To top it all off, I have to register for Fall classes next week, and I don’t think I can even imagine that far into the future right now. The world is supremely fucked, and there’s almost no way that I’ll even be able to afford to go back to school. I’ll probably have to drop out entirely. For at least a few years. And I’m really not ready to give up on school right now. Like I said above, I’m really sensitive to failure, and this is the third time I’ve tried, and failed, at college. And I’m getting real frustrated about it. The first time it was my ADHD, which at the time was undiagnosed. The second time it was mental health and my asshole ex harassing me. Now, when I finally have my ducks in a row, it’s money. The one thing that no amount of treatment or medication or court hearings will change. Plus there’s all the political bullshit going on still, and the impending collapse of society as we know it, and any number of other global crises (yes, that is the proper plural of crisis) going on. Oh, did I mention I’m an empath and the moods and emotions of the people around me, and of the world in general, pretty heavily impact me? I’ve been able to tell when some massive tragedy occurred even before the news story breaks. So yeah, all in all I’m doing about the worst I’ve been doing since high school before I was on antidepressants, and it’s really hard to see any end to this tunnel. I know I’m one in several hundred million people who are struggling right now, and I’m lucky that I’m at least moderately healthy with a steady place to stay and things to eat, but goddamn if things aren’t shit for me right now. Like I said, I’m not looking for any kind of response, and if you even read all of this I’m legitimately surprised. I just needed to put this all down somewhere because keeping it in is getting to be almost too much.

Don’t worry, friends. I promise you I’m safe. I’m just scared, lonely, and really lost right now.

I love you all.

#ignore me #i promise you I'm safe #don't worry about me #and if you are worried send me a message like tomorrow or something and I'll prove to you that I'm safe #long post #don't reblog

[batbirdies]

NaNoWriMo 2019 Batfam fic Part 7

I’m posting rough excerpts from my NaNo project this year which is a fanfic centered around Jason Todd eventually agreeing to dog sit Titus while Bruce and Damian are out of town. Involving some deep seated issues, unintended animal therapy, snarky text messages between robins and eventually, some reconciliation between father and son.

Takes place in a murky in between time sometime after Damian was resurrected.

A NOTE: These are very rough drafts, I’m copy and pasting from my google doc, I switch tense all over the place, so apologies. WARNINGS: content includes PTSD flashbacks of sorts, violence involving humans as well as animals, references to dog fighting, lots of swearing. 

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

“Mind telling me what the fuck this was all about?” The guy raised his eyebrows, seemed completely unphased by Jason’s poorly veiled threat a moment ago.

“Just an accident. Here, take my info.” He reached in his pocket and pulled out a business card that he held out, nothing printed on it but a phone number. Jason stared at it. “I’d be happy to cover your medical bills for that arm.” He nodded to Jason’s left forearm, still held tightly against his body. Jason plucked it out of his hand, eyeing it for a split second before tucking it into a pocket, he’d throw it away later.

“Real generous of you.” The guy smirked. Jason squinted at him, waiting for some kind of hint. “We met before?”

“Oh I doubt it.” He took a drag off the cigarette. “I’d remember your dog if we had.” He looked around Jason then, at where Titus was standing, tight up against the backs of his legs.

Jason took a step forward, fed up. “What the fuck do you want? You think I’m stupid? Your friend there sicked that dog on us, I saw it. You-“ Jason cut himself off, felt Titus nudging at the back of his leg, he gave a low bark, quiet but unhappy. He didn’t want to make any hints if the guy didn’t know anything.

Hell this was Gotham. Nut jobs did insane shit like sick their dogs on people all the time.

They however didn’t usually seem so casually unrepentant and unafraid of the police showing up.

Tall Guy raised his hands in mock surrender. “Hey now, if you hadn’t jumped in, I promise you he never would have bitten.”

“Oh, cause you’ve done this before? Is that it?”

“I don’t know what you mean, didn’t do anything, this was all just an accident. Crusher can get aggressive around other big dogs. And that is one big dog.”

“Is this seriously about Titus?” Jason was recalculating the idea that this idiot might know who he was. He chuckled.

“Titus, good name for him. He looks tough.” Jason stares at the guy, feeling a muted sort of astonishment at the idiocy in the world. Whatever this was, he wanted no part in it.

“You know what, you can get lost.” Jason started to turn away, he didn’t need to tug on the leash, Titus was happily leading the way.

The sound of rushed footsteps had him turning just in time to see the guy reaching towards Titus head, he saw the flash of a red tip of a cigarette tucked near the guys palm and lashed out before he could think better of it.

Leash still in his hand, he struck with his bad arm, snatched up the guys wrist, twisting it hard and fast until he couldn’t keep up the nonchalant act anymore.

“Ok, ok, shit man.” He sunk to his knees in an instant.

“Were you just gonna fucking burn my dog?” His arm was throbbing, the crushing grip he was keeping on the guys wrist making the pain flare like a bitch. Blood was dripping drown his arm in thick rivulets, down his hand, ruining his jacket and the assholes alike.

“Hey, hey, I just thought he looked tough-”

“So you thought you’d test your theory?” His grip was entirely too tight, he could feel the Lazarus bubbling up in him, everything in his vision taking on that vaguely green tinge.

“Hey, honestly man, I’m trying to do you a favor-”

“You fucking-”

“You like to bet? I can make you a fortune if he’s as mean as he looks.” He was on his knees, gasping out the words, gripping the wrist Jason held in his fist with his other hand desperately. Eyes wide in obvious fear. He choked, color crawling up his neck. “Please man-”

Jason didn’t make the decision to break the guys wrist, but it happened just then, his grip so tight that when he tensed at the statement - it was enough.

He gasped, “fuck man!”

“You’re lucky I don’t kill you.” Jason was shaking as he hissed out the words, skin hot, he felt the urge come up, the pulse rack through him.

Titus let out a high pitched whine, drawing back on his leash hard.

Jason let go. Took a hard step back, breath heaving, blinking away the green clouding his vision.

“What the hell man?” He was crying, clutching at his broken wrist with his good hand. Titus whined again, pulling on his leash enough to make Jason stumble a step after him.

He stood his ground for a second more, staring at this - this - “If I see you or your friend here again, you’ll leave with more than a broken wrist, you hear me?”

“Man why would you-”

“I said do you hear me?”

“Ok man, ok!”

Jason relented, letting Titus yank him around until they were walking at a brisk pace in the opposite direction. He was still fuming, filling his lungs with deep heaving breaths, trying to rid himself of the feeling of hornets buzzing around inside his chest.

It took him too long to realize that Titus was leading them the wrong direction, away from his apartment. When he finally blinked back into awareness they were two blocks away and his bloody arm was throbbing with every step he took.

Jason directed them all the way back around the block they were on instead of turning around. Feeling like he could use the exercise even while his arm hurt so bad he was hissing through his teeth. They were leaving a dripping trail of blood down the sidewalk as they went, every person they met crossed the street when they saw them coming but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He feels so tightly wound it’s a miracle he doesn’t snap like an old guitar string.

By the time they’ve traveled all the way back to Jason’s apartment Titus has gotten decidedly more exercise than required or planned and Jason feels no less angry than he had twenty minutes ago. He unlatches Titus’ leash and goes hunting for his first aid kit, stashed under his bathroom sink.

He’s pissed about his jacket, the sleeve is completely torn up and their blood all down it. It was a nice freaking jacket and an expensive one and when he tears it off in a huff and slings it over the edge of the bathtub he wonders briefly if Alfred could fix it….get the blood out, stitch up the torn pieces? Maybe that was asking too much but the man could be a miracle worker sometimes. Not to mention Jason was feeling almost a little like he owed him after the stunt with the gift, even if that was a little ridiculous and he’s never say it.

Getting a good look at his arm he’s definitely not happy. The skin is punctured to varying degrees of depth in large crescent shape, on his forearm as well as the tender skin on the inside of the arm. There’s enough blood that it takes a while for the warm water running in his sink to even rinse it away enough to tell. Following with antibacterial soap hurts like a bitch but dog bites are known for causing infections and Jason does not wanna mess with one.

He dabs it all dry with a clean dust rag he has stashed in the hallway closet, not wanting to ruin one of his actual towels with blood. It happened enough already when he came home after patrol with injuries, he was down to two good towels that didn’t have unfortunate stains.

Then he plasters a good layer of antibacterial ointment on the whole mess and covers it with two large bandages.

He still can’t calm down and he’s not totally sure why. At first he thinks it was just the confrontation, the audacity of two assholes to sick their dog on him and Titus but it’s not just that. It’s the dog fights.

Nothing should surprise him anymore.

Jason grew up on the streets. He started fighting crime before he was even a teenager. He’d died, he’d come to life, he’s been raised from a Lazarus pit, been through training like no other, done and seen things that could barely be believed.

But somehow the depravity of the human race could still shock him.

He remembers the fighting pits. The fear, the pain, the terror and violence. Remembers the twists, the random handicaps to teach him how to keep going when he was on his last leg. Remembered never really knowing what would happen if he lost, just the vague dread that it would be worse than this, worse than the constant fights and the surprise attacks and the complete lack of human connection.

Jason thinks about those dogs and he can’t fucking let it go.

He finds Titus in the living room, just standing in front of the couch like he’s been waiting for Jason to come out, his tail hanging low but wagging slowly, like he’s unsure. He huffs out a low sigh and throws his head back, stretching his neck and wondering, for a split second, if any of the shit he does, that any of them do, in costume ever makes a damned difference.

“Hey boy.” He says quietly as he shuffles back into the living room and sinks down onto the couch. “I’m not mad at you. You can relax.” He scratches at his ears when Titus follows him, and the dog lays his big ol’ head in Jason’s lap and makes a happy little snuffling noise and inspite of the morning Jason feels the edge of his mouth twitch up.

[tired-college-student-writing]

Vocal Mayhem FINAL

Summary: A magical accident during a meeting between the Iplier and Septic Egos leads to some interesting developments, some miscommunications and someone hiding a secret.

Pt. 1

Pt. 6

Pt. 7 FINAL

The trio didn’t exactly move swiftly, each slightly dreading what they were going to find as the building shook again and the yelling could be heard from a floor down. Dark shoved open the door and froze as he took in the scene in front of him.

The entire corner of the studio was missing, plaster dust still falling as a soft breeze from the woods filled the room, chunks of the floor and ceiling singed. The rest of the office was wrecked, burns, slashes, and glitches decorated everything within the room making it look like a corrupted video game. In a group stood the Googles, Bing, Anti and Jameson, their glitched out screams directed at Mark, Yan, King and Doc, their own morphed voices bouncing off of each other, no one really listening, not understanding the others. Further away the Jims huddled together behind one of the giant error signs that might have been a desk at one point, giggling to themselves as they recorded the altercation, RJ reporting as always even if no one else could understand him.

Wilford let out a low whistle as they slowly entered the room.

“Well, Well, Well,” Wilford announced loudly drawing everyone’s attention to the trio as Dark’s eye started twitching, aura withering across the floor.

“So who wants to explain before Darkie breaks all of your necks?” Wilford asked cheerfully as Bim shifted uneasily behind them.

“If I wasn’t in love with you I’d be mad about you calling me Darkie,” The demon growled, “But from you, it’s really cute.”

Unable to hear the actual meaning behind the haunting snarl, the egos shrunk back. The Jims still giggling into their microphones as they continued filming.

“Hey now,” Mark said with a weary grin, “No killing any of us. Even if we uh….” He glanced around the room, “Actually I can’t give a good reason for this…”

“I think it was mostly based on the fact too many of us trying to work together leads to disaster,” Doc spoke up before reeling back as the others turned to glare at him, “Don’t look at me like that, you know I’m right!”

“Honestly I still think we can all blame Mark for this!”Yandere said, earning a glare from his creator.

“Hey! I’m not the only one in on this! Plus I was like the only one that didn’t fuck up the room,”

“Obviously, moron,” Dark snapped, making the room freeze again, “You’re literally powerless and it looks like a nuke went off. Did you think anyone actually thought you did this? We aren’t idiots!”

Clearly Dark is drawing closer to throwing all of us into the void, Green projected in front of him, How about we at least try to figure out a solution to our problem instead of going to that icy hell?

Anti rolled his eyes taking Jameson’s pad, We all want Bim to fucking talk and the Jims did… something for some Jim reason. What’s there to figure out?

They all turned to look at Bim who crossed his arms tightly across his chest. Instead of saying anything he simply shook his head with a frown.

Come on Bim! Bing projected with a pout, There’s nothing to worry about! What could we possibly even do by knowing your first language?

With a roll of his eyes Bim pulled out his notepad, A Lot actually, why can’t you just leave me alone? And why the studio?!

WJ raised his hand, “We invited them here and let CJ and RJ have free range of the C4 we managed to find!”

“Great plan,” AJ chirped, smiling fondly at his two little brothers, “if I do say so myself!”

“Thank you, Jim!

“Any time Jims,”

“We can’t understand you gremlins,” Blue hissed only to flinch back at his bugged out voice box.

“Can everyone stop screaming?” King sighed, his squeaks being overlooked as Yan glared at Blue.

“Don’t be mean to them!” Yan protested, eyes flashing red. Mark placed a hand over the sheath to his ego’s katana.

“Hey, stop,” He ordered, “No stabbing Blue for being frustrated,”

Anti stepped back giggling to himself as the arguing rose louder again. Jameson turned to glare at him, as Bing spoke as quietly as he could to Blue.

Quit it

Reaching over Anti scribbled down, I can’t help it. This is great!

It’s not great! Dark is seriously getting ticked and I’m right there with him! This was supposed to be fun, not blowing the building to bits!

Eh. You win some you lose some.

I will box your ears, glitch

Try me, old man!

“Easy everyone,” Wilford called over them, his clipped words making them quiet for a second, but they just brushed past it, “Now come on everyone lets just calm down!”

“It’s no use Wil,” Doc sighed, rubbing his eyes, “They’re beyond reason,”

“Well Fuck you too Doctor,” Red said flipping the man off to get his point across even as he tried to talk Blue down from strangling the Jims.

Wilford turned his eyes towards their creator, “Mark help me!”

Mark raised an eye as he batted Yan’s hand away from his katana again, “I can control you lot about as well as Tyler can edit. What am I suppose to do?”

“I DONT CARE WHATS HAPPENING ANYMORE!”Dark’s voice boomed over all of them, the layers splitting and grinding against each other, “I’M SICK AND TIRED OF LISTENING TO YOU ALL WHINE AND SCREAM!”

The room froze, eyes glazing over as Dark continued, “I COULD BE KISSING WILFORD RIGHT NOW IN THE COMFORT OF MY OWN BED, BUT NO I HAVE TO DEAL WITH ALL YOUR PROBLEMS BECAUSE BIM FUCKING TRIMMER WON’T SPEAK? WHO HONESTLY CARES?!”

His eyes were black as he paced the room, ignoring as the Jims giggled, off in their own little world. Nor did he notice as Anti clamped a hand over his mouth, eyes bulging with mirth.

“WE’RE STUCK SPEAKING THIRTY-SEVEN DIFFERENT LANGUAGES BETWEEN ALL OF US AND YOU WANT TO WORRY ABOUT HIM? I’M ALMOST EMBARRASSED TO BE CONNECTED TO ANY OF YOU! SO INSTEAD OF SNUGGLING THE FUCK OUT OF MY ADORABLE CUTIE, I HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOU FUCKERS!”

“Dark, calm down,” Wilford said, raising his hands in front of him, “We can’t understand you, and frankly you’re scaring everyone,”

“Like that matters,” Dark grumbled, but pulled his aura back slightly, “They’re all scared of me anyway, but now I don’t even have to try now with this stupid spell! It takes all the fun out of making them piss their pants! I could just sing those Disney songs you like so much in an angry tone and I still might make Bim cry,”

“Well at least you got everyone to quiet down,” Mark laughed uneasily. Dark stared him dead in the eye.

“Well, well, well, what have we here? Sandy Claws, huh?” Dark said, eyes hard, “Oh, I’m really scared. So you’re the one everybody’s talkin’ about, ha, ha,”

Still can’t understand you, Red flashed in front of him.

“Do I look like I care?” Dark snapped glaring right back at him, “I would much rather be spooning my lovely candy cane, whispering sweet nothings to each other all night,”

A quiet snort sounded from near the doorway. The room turned as one to long and see Bim with a hand in front of his mouth. His shoulders were shaking.

“Oh great,” Dark mumbled, running a tired hand down his face, “Another one went completely insane.”

No sooner did the words leave his mouth then Bim collapse with laughter, the noise booming around the room in an eerily familiar manner as his knees buckled, arms wrapped tightly around his stomach.

No one could piece together what was happening as they shared baffled and uneasy looks.

“Bim?” Mark finally spoke up, moving towards his creation, “Everything okay?”

“D-d-” He gasped helplessly through the laughter, “Dark is a freaking sap! Millennium made!”

Mark stopped short, eyes widening as Bim suddenly stiffened, hand slapping over his mouth as a gasp filled the room.

There’s no way in hell… was the collective thought running through the room as Dark rolled his shoulders, cheeks darkening slightly.

“Bim, you’re a…” He let the sentence float off, it couldn’t be true after all. Bim, a demon?! It sounded like a story the Jims would report… and yet…

“Uhhh,” Bim gave a sheepish smile and a hopeless shrug.

“Whelp time to go!” AJ said, seemingly appearing next to Bim and linking arms with him. The other egos stared at him even if none of them could understand him. The other Jims popped up around Bim in quick succession.

“We got you, Boss!” WJ said taking his other arm as Bim groaned.

“I hate you stupid Imps so much,” He moaned making Dark’s eyes widen even more.

“You can’t seriously mean that they’re-”

“I’m sure you do boss,” CJ laughed, leaning on his shoulder as RJ dropped down and hugged his legs.

“Bye Not Jims!”

Oily black smoke overtook the five of them and suddenly they were gone.

“What…” Doc breathed into the heavy silence, “What just happened?”

Dark slowly pulled out his own black notepad and jotted down his thoughts before handing it over to Wilford.

“The five of them seemed to be playing us since the start,” Wilford read, “I would assume we won’t be able to find out for sure until they return as they can’t stay away forever, but I do believe that-” The reporter’s eyes widen as he wiped around to look at Dark, “You can’t be serious!”

Dark simply nodded prompting Oliver stepping forward head cocked to the side, What is it?

Wilford frowned, but continued reading, “it’s clear that on top of Bim being a demon, there is a high chance of the Jims being demonic as well.”

“WHAT?!”

It was four more days until their voices returned to normal, courtesy of a sleep-deprived Marvin, who instantly passed out as soon as the spell was lifted. The whole Office could feel tension lessen, but at the same time, it didn’t vanish. It didn’t help that they were coughing up black sludge for hours after the spell faded. The AIs were particularly frustrated by this fact since they shouldn’t be able to get sick in the first place.

The annoyance of the side effects couldn’t stop the anxious energy of the wait for the mystery they didn’t know they had to be answered.

It wasn’t for another three days after their voices had returned as they returned to their routine meetings did they find their five missing members.

Bim was standing where Wilford normally did, a power point already pulled up on the screen. The Jims were in their seats, grinning wickedly at the egos as they entered the room, giving the room a sense of unease that made them all remain silent as they took their seats.

“Nice for you boys to finally return to us,” Dark commented lowly as he entered the room, Wilford on his heels, “You have a good deal you need to explain.”

Bim gave a strained grin, “I hope you don’t mind I’m taking over the meeting.”

“I doubt anyone would allow Dark to carry on the regular meeting before you, Chap,” Wilford said, stealing Bim’s seat.

Bim looked over all of them before he let his eyes slip closed. His magic shimmered as he rolled his shoulders back. Snapping his eyes open deep violet curled ram horns skewed his hair, and his deep brown eyes he shared with all the Iplier’s were replaced by long glowing purple slits. He gave them all the easy grin he was known for, but it felt more sinister matched with his new fangs and other inhuman features.

“Let’s began, shall we?” He asked.

#markiplier #secretmarkiplier #Vocal Mayhem #Bim Trimmer #ALL OF THE EGOS