#horrible moments of my life

[funstyle]

the truth about being really mentally ill is that generally you dont want people to know unless it's 1. truly neccessary 2. funny 3. internet (doesnt count)

#i can post Bpd Princess Moments on here bc it's my special diary but god forbid i tell someone in real life that im struggling #is anyone else getting recommended a bunch of horrible shit under this. wtf

[hoofpeet]

perpetually suffering the tortures lately

#don't ever make a very complex/esoteric story based around a pre-existing fandom .worst mistake of my life #<-(the tortures) #half joking but the autism has been extremely agonizing lately in almost every way imaginable #.mostly just in the typical way of. it being impossible to believe i can actually be welcomed in any sort of fandom/community #and feeling horribly embarrassed about continuously pushing my posts into tags where people are trying to enjoy themselves #so. been spending the last month or so trying to beat my brain out of being hyperfixated on the blorbos to the point of embarrassment #<--putting this here mostly as an apology/explanation ig for not posting much lately . #trying to exile myself from the fandom + in general. it has been hard to do literally anything but lay in bed all day #also as well as just like. summer sensory hell + sadd moments #ough . the tortures

[deunmiu-dessie]

"george, i will stand with you between the heavens and the earth. i will tell you where you are. do. you. love. me?"

#I LOVE YOU #FROM THE MO- #FROM THE MOMENT I SAW YOU TRYING TO GO OVER THAT WALL #I HAVE LOVED YOU DESPERATELY #I CANNOT BEATHE WHEN YOU ARE NOT NEAR #MY HEART CALLS YOUR NAME #RAHHHHHHHH #IMAGINE RETIRED MISSION WORE JOHN WHO LITERALLY FEELS LOST WITHIN HIS MIND #WITH HORRIBLE NIGHTMARES AND ALL THAT #AND THIS WOMAN WHO JUST COMES INTO HIS LIFE AND MAKES IT ALL SUNSHINE AND RAINBOWS #BUT THAT SCARES HIM #AND HE KEEPS AWAY FROM HER BUT HE LOVES HER SO MUCH #AND THEN SHE FINALLY CONFRONTS HIM LIKE #AND YALL #REWATCHING QUEEN CHAROLETTE #AND OMFG #THIS BUT MAKE IT MODERN AND #RETIRED #captain john price x reader #call of duty #captain price #call of duty modern warfare

[hashtagartistlife]

odd little comic that’s been in the drafts for a while

#ichiruki #kurosaki ichigo #kuchiki rukia #artist life #bleach art life #bleach fanart #bleach #the vague idea behind this was. the first three and a bit pages #before the very long vertical dash #that's all rukia dreaming #but the last two pages is real life #and the irony of rukia dreaming that ichigo will do and say all these cruel things to her #and she just thinks. ah yeah that's normal. that's reasonable #but the moment he tells her he loves her #that's what she thinks is a fantasy.... #the idea that nothing ichigo can do or say to her will be crueller than. i love you #idk im doing a spectacularly horrible job at explaining it. i believe in death of the author anyway #if you didn't get what i meant to convey with this through the pictures alone #that just means i need to improve on my visual storytelling

[chambers003]

mumbo should be allowed to kill

#my post #more often i mean. set him loose #he’s horrible at it. it’s part of the charm #proper mumbo enrichment #he’s soooooo stressed when he gets to kill but he’s also been waiting for this moment his whole life at the same time. #he should get to do it more #he has the time of his life every time #mumbo #mumbo jumbo #trafficblr #secret life smp #last life smp #i realise i didnt specify ‘in minecraft’ and i think im gonna keep it that way? i think if he told the cops ‘im mumbo jumbo’ theyd let him #go*

[arinmoss]

Lilith wip (he/him!)

#oc #original character #i never posted this here i guess lol #anyways heres my guy Lilith he has a terrible personality and works at some shitty jo bin a seaside town and meets this mermaid creature #life for him gets weird idk it story is v vague as of right now lmao #i just know that he used to be kind of a normal character but then iw as like what if he was kinda horrible #anyways this wip is VERY old and im very mad i never got to finish it cause there is so much i want to fix -____- #anyways i love giving my boys long hair and a bang moment lmao #prettyfying every oc i have #hes also missing earrings -__- #art #digital art #sketch #wip #work in progress #trans oc #trans masc #trans man? maybe? stilll figuring that out #in the story itself hes explorign that sorta thing idk maybe he's a dude but like only a little lol #who knows man

[bumblingbabooshka]

Voyager plotline in which The Doctor, Seven, Tuvok, and Neelix have to become a barbershop quartet in order to save the crew. With the little outfits and everything. (Harry's providing the music)

#It's life or death bc neither Seven nor Tuvok would want to do it otherwise #Look at the EMH and tell me he wouldn't love to twirl a little cane around and sing a jaunty little tune #I chose Neelix as the fourth bc I remember Seven was trying to teach him how to sing? #and I like a whole 'we'll NEVER get to nationals like THIS!' moment bc he's got enthusiasm but is horribly off key #I think the resolution is that they try to just have Neelix lip sync but something goes wrong and one by one the other members #fall in the middle of the performance for a variety of reasons and then it's only Neelix and whoever was providing his voice falters #and so Neelix just has to sing himself and it turns out the aliens fucking LOOVE his terrible off key vocals #everyone else is groaning (from the variety of ailments and injuries that hit them) and Neelix is grinning with a trophy the aliens gave th #(they also gave their crew back) #fake star trek voyager episodes my beloved #st voyager

[jacksprostate]

f Narrator wanting to murder maim mutilate m marla.. or marla/ male marla and narrator/f narrator worsties/besties. or marla/male marla and tyler… or anything with marla/ male marla..

Marlon called me, interrupted me at work, and he said he had a bruise. He said I needed to come and look at it right away, because he needed to know.

This was him, asking me, pounded flank steak, to look and tell him the nature of his bruise.

Marlon hasn't had health insurance in years, so he tries not to think about it, usually. It's easy, since there's no difference when you have health insurance. It's old hat.

But today, he thought about it.

And he noticed a bruise.

So I'm walking up to the Regent hotel after work, and he's in the lobby in his limp little tank top. He'd call it a wifebeater and imagine himself in place of the wife, I'm sure. I wonder if he isn't cold all the time. Mr. Marlon Singer, such a masochist just so he can show off his skeletal body with all the cigarette burns I have to hear him and Tyler laughing over.

I am Jane's abnormal hemorrhoid development.

He doesn't mention what Tyler and I stole from him, even though I think it was all the cash he had. Even though just three days ago he tried to chase me around the house and beat me with a broom. He made me and Tyler go sleep in the junkyard. Buried under our furs, howling at the moon. Maybe I can't fault him for that.

He couldn't keep it here where the guys he brings back could get at it, he said, and sure. But he should've known better than to tell Tyler about it, because now it's bags upon bags of lye being kept in the driest room in the house.

I work on grinding cracks into my remaining teeth as he grabs his neighbors Agatha and Dianne's Meals on Wheels kits. The delivery lady remarks on what a good young man Marlon must be, helping out these old ladies. Oh, yeah. A real, upstanding, mummified rat of a man. Maybe he helped them into the ditch. He yaps at me the entire walk up to his room, and I don't hear a word as I methodically rip up the skin around Tyler's kiss on my hand with a broken nail. It's been infected since Tuesday, and the ring of puffy red flesh makes the ghost of her lips white like the center of a neon tube. Always buzzing.

We get to his room, he says to me, "One of these boxes is for you, you know."

I think about all the women who bother to use what little time they have to operate charities that keep the poor and destitute alive enough to want to kill themselves. All that time spent cooking mac and cheese en masse and putting little packets of powdered milk next to little cartons of the liquid, like they get at schools and prisons, packets that can only be opened by the nimble fingers of caring relatives these elderly recipients do not have.

Sure.

Tyler told me I need to be eating at least two meals a day, or she'd steal a blender and make me drink raw chicken. So I eat the Meals on Wheels box. Sorry Agatha. I rip open the powdered milk packet, dump it into the carton, hold it closed, and shake it. Twice the calories. A recipe for palliative care.

Marlon's sitting there, quiet, eating Dianne's latest last meal. All the urgency is gone. Sucked dry. He's got pallor like a hospice heart failure. When dogs get treated for heartworms, the worms die, and sometimes, not all of them break apart. Sometimes, there will be thin, dead cords of necrotized nematode strung through their heart waiting for the right beat to fall apart and clot a vital artery. This can take years to happen. Your pet recovers perfectly from treatment until seven years down the line, you give it a doggy cupcake and a pulmonary embolism for its tenth birthday.

Marlon looks like he's had his first melarsomine injection and his owner is thinking about taking him to a dog park instead of bothering with the second. If you let a dog get its heart rate up too high when getting treated for all the parasites you let grow in it, its heart will explode. Or all the worms will clog its lungs. Whichever one it is, it's happening to Marlon here in this room. On this bed.

He says he'd found a bruise, a while back. A nasty little thing, like the crush of a plum under your thumb. Near one of his ankles. And Marlon Singer knew he couldn't afford any novel treatments, and he'd seen too many people rot from the inside out from them already. He did not go to the clinic down the street that gets its windows broken in often enough that there's just big black billowing sails of trashbags over their storefront more often than not. Marlon says he once saw a rat nailed to the door, which is something you'd think would be too neat and poetic for real life. He didn't go to the clinic because he didn't have to. And maybe if he was fucking guys he wanted to he would be a bit more cautious, but the men Marlon Singer gets to fuck are the type to have given him those bruises in the first place. They're the reason there's single mothers visiting that clinic, like half melted wax getting scraped out of the picture. He says he shouldn't feel guilty.

I tell Marlon about where I got the idea for poisoning all the food at the Pressman hotel.

He asks me what I mean by that, and I tell him about my first boss at the company I work for now.

When I first started there, I was selling our cars to companies. Bulk orders for work vehicles. My job was to not fuck up any contracts we already had. Marlon is probably aware, but the type of man involved in that sort of thing, he knows he's got you on a collar and chain. You and him both know he'll be renewing the contract, but you have to do the song and dance for him. Pretend you like how close he gets to you. Pretend you don't want to rip his testicles from his ballsack when he leans in sweaty and tells you how he likes your hair, did you go and do all that just for me?

Because he knows. And you know. But enduring this is what you were hired to do. If you were a man, you would've been hired to create a sense of the old boys club with this guy. But you're not.

There is so much pretense in the world.

Anyway, my first boss, call him Joe — whenever I'd return from those trips and dinners, Joe wouldn't pretend that it wasn't a shit job. He'd commiserate and wish me luck with the next one. He didn't overstep, he wasn't creepy, he kept his distance. The best you could hope for. Thirty days on the job, they asked me how I was doing, and I told them I was doing great. The job was amazing, I felt embraced by the company, my boss was great. One of those things was true to me.

And when Joe got his promotion, for being such a great regional manager, he cornered me in my cubicle and informed me he'd been jerking off into my nicely labeled thin salad lunches each time they showed up in the office fridge. He told me this with the same smile he'd always worn.

Marlon, he's next to me, and he leans closer like we're having a nice little confession. My skin itches.

It was before the 90 day clause kicked in my health coverage, so I had to wait at one of those free clinics like Marlon's, and I was surrounded by a lot of young men, wispy mangled pears. What little flesh was left was soft. When I told the nurse what happened, I watched myself die in her eyes. Dappling up with rashes and bruises until I was all painted and sunken like a bog body.

For the longest time, I wondered if I'd become the oral Mary. How many times I vomited in that office toilet, I don't know. I stopped bringing lunch.

The thing is, I couldn't see it in his face. Joe's, I mean. Not even when he told me. I couldn't see it in anyone. So I stopped eating out. Stopped eating altogether, really.

Marlon, his response was to go to the support groups. His tragedy was that it was a slow death, coming for him. Best to wriggle into the pile of dying bodies, see what it's like. Maybe that could muster enough suicidal impulse.

I tell Marlon, of course, I couldn't go to HR. I was a new hire with no evidence and previous record of liking my boss. I didn't want to tell my mom. I didn't want her to know. Those uncomfortable dinners became absolutely, wretchedly unbearable as I thought about the food I was being forced to share.

When the option came up for a dead end job in the least loved department in the building, I put on the best performance of my life to get the part. Best aspiring Compliance and Liability head and sole department employee, that's me. My new job was to keep secrets. It was, already, old hat.

For months I thought about waking up from a narcoleptic fit at my desk, with Joe leaning over the cubicle wall and asking if I was alright. I watched my stomach like it was nuclear. Every extra second it took until I bled like usual slid me closer to buying myself a shotgun and pumping a slug or two into my brain.

It's an unavoidable fear, I tell Marlon. You can't do anything about it. Once you know, you know. At some point, you have to find the peace in it. Imagine yourself, a balloon popping with meaty chunks flying apart, splattering onlookers and raining viscera.

For a month, six months, I had cancer. Worse than cancer. Every time I eat out, I get it again.

Marlon is looking at me, melting stained glass, drowning in that sort of shared pity you build together with someone who's dying.

I don't want Marlon to feel guilty.

I tell Marlon, that's why I poison the food at the Pressman hotel. Someone's got to do it. Blood in the tomato sauce, spit on the steak. Imagine what you could do to a soup. The men who go to the Pressman hotel, they're the kind that leave Marlon bloody and walking around Paper Street calling for Tyler to come out and burn more holes into him. They're the kind that get promoted from regional manager. They're the kind that lean in close, pull your wrist towards them, and say there's one way they know you could secure the contract renewal. The kind that almost ruin it in a temper tantrum when you don't, resulting in an upper management intervention on the 24th day of your new job. They're the kind that hear that shit and say you should've been more appeasing. More polite.

Don't feel guilty, Marlon.

I hope all of them rot so everyone can see the maggots eating their insides.

Marlon isn't smiling. I am unavoidably bad at distracting him. There's something final in it, when he sighs, and takes off his tank top. He says it's on his back, and I should just tell him.

I look. I see it. Black hole, botfly, necrosis. There's so many things these broken blood vessels could be. Withering, snapping apart like mummified heartworms. I imagine driving the two inch melarsomine needle deep into the muscles bunched upon his spine.

I look.

I press my hands into him, and I grip like I'm trying to rend my fingers through his skin, deep into his body cavity to rip out his guts. Like I'm trying to grab the rope of his small intestine and strangle him with it. Marlon's yelling at me and trying to hit me, arms flapping like a chicken, and I am bruising ten deep circles into the soft pearskin of his abdomen. It's the only place left on him that's mealy, that isn't frayed rope under worn out leather.

I tell him, you've got bruises. They look mostly normal, to me.

Don't worry too much about it.

And Marlon, he leans into me, and I let him.

#asks #fight club #female fight club au #my writing #obv directly in parallel to the book chapter #this has been sort of floating in my head #in the book its probably the most caring moment the narrator has for marla #and i think that is the same here actually #its just female narrator off the charts detestes marlon more in the first place. puts all her sense of sympathy and shared solidarity into #Tyler. but. yeah #anyway made marlon's life absolutely miserable #and the narrators #i actually went back and forth on that #i dont want to... necessarily... give her Solid Reasons in a way male narrator doesnt have #but its sort of inescapable that fucked up misogynistic shit would happen #and i was thinking how to resolves the food contamination question in my head #hard to explain #inherently more horrible shit will happen to her than male narrator #but not excessively and i want it to feed into the same issues. in this case her complete subjugation in the office and inability to freely #reject the horrific shit shes forced to play along with #resulting in her doing the same to the fat cats rolling by #anyway #she does care about marlon #its complicated

[gideonisms]

I hate the layers of fake irony this site is coating posts in now. It's not fooling anyone either! We know you care about Topics that's why you are on here posting about them at 1:30 AM. I even catch myself mimicking that tone sometimes and I kind of hate it! Bring back moments of real joy and excitement, clumsily expressed, in 2024!!!

#i read a post written in horrible 2014 vernacular and instead of cringing i kind of found myself thinking #wow we had a lot of energy for life back then huh? #things HAVE changed and i get that we're all tired. i'm tired #but still #i just hate to ever cringe too hard at my younger self for moments of silly self expression #she did plenty wrong let's not pile on guilt that she ever felt happy

[broadwayfangirl222]

#I'll be honest...I'm so happy that there's this moment of a disabled character saying this #that while it was horrible/painful experience that still gives him issues; his disability DIDNT ruin his life and he's happy with his life #him saying he's not broken #helluva boss #my gifs #Just as someone who's disabled it's so nice to see (especially with how some people are weird with fizz in terms of his disability)

[perelka-l]

A friend sent me this meme a while back and some thoughts and things happened so. I made this older sketch a lil better ywy

#Exchampionshipping #Ex-championshipping #Dragoncheershipping #Rival kieran #Trainer kieran #Trainer drayton #elite four drayton #Point is. Point is due to recent suspicions and me being horrible I redrew an older doodle #I finally had a moment for myself bc life recently is pretty much utter hell #Watch me and my fail art

[opikiquu]

aventurine pl. Plea s e . PLLEEEEEEASE

#★ arin rambles #‘here we go again’ you think everytime you see my ramble tag. I dont blame you #AVENTURINE AVENTURINE PLEASE SAVE ME WHITE BOY #OH MY LORD #OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS OH MY GOODNESS. #MY JSOE IS RUNNING HES RUINNING MY LIFE I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE IM SO ILL PLEASE I #AVENTURINE. im so serious i can talk about this man all day. and more specifically this video #‘it was just posted 30 minutes ago arin youre scaring the kids’ SILENCE. I NEED SPACE #I NEED A. A MOMENT. EVERYBODY PLEAS GETA WAY FROM ME IM GOING TO GET SO SCARY #Please. Im so sorry. Im begging you . I love this man oh my gish please hes so cute #HES SO CUTE. HES SO CUTE IM SO SICK OF HIM WHY???????? WHY IS HE SO PRETTY HES SO PRETTY HES GOREGOUS HES SO STUNNING. HELLO. HELLO. #Im going to. Slam my head against the wall im overwhelmed with joy and happiness hes everything ive ever wanted ever #any minute not spent talking about him is a moment wasted i promise you MY PRINCESS IM COMING TO SAVE YOU #IM HIS KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR EXCEPT ITS NOT SHINY #IM COVERED IN DIRT #IM STILL COMING FOR YOU AVENTURINE RUN #oh goodness me oh my #im so happy hes so prettu im so happy i cant do rhis im sweating geniumnly i feel so sick #Im cant . Do this anymore. I CANT TAKE IT. I HAVE TO… AAUGH… AAAHH… I HAVE TO…. DANCE! #guys…. he my favorriet… #my slinky….. my krimpet… my teacup i think. My doc mc stuffins doctor playset. My dishwasher. My italian coldsteel cinquedea . atp anything #hes my EVERYTHING. MY EVERYTHING…!!!!!!!! *MY TELEKENISIS THROWS EVERYTTHING ACROSS THE ROOM* #yall i dont think ive had a hyperfixation this horribly bad since. Since the. Since. MAN I DONT KNOW #IM COOKED. HE WOMT LEAVE ME ALONE. I LITERALLY DREAMT OF HIM LAST NIGHT LIKE IM SO DOOMED? ACTUALLY? #oh to be medicated and focus on . Things like cooking. Or idk. Getting a job. No i just think about some messed up blonde all day im absolut #ly DOOMED #yes im still yapping i got 30 tags u gon stick through them all. Every single one of them. Dont leave me please i want to talk about him ton #TO SOMEONE. I WANT TO TALK ABOUT HIM TO SOMEONE ALL DAY. ALL MY FRIENDS ARE TESTING. IM LEFT ALONE ALL DAY I JUST WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY WIFE #i womder how crazy i look right now #Sighs lovingly at him..

[everye]

tw blood, gore

My Heaven

sh1 locations usually don't get much recognition so i feel like adding some explanatory notes on it (just in case)

the place is the secret chamber in Green Lion Antiques where distracted from prayer alessa is having a tender moment gazing at the point where God's painting is supposed to be

(GOD- IM TRULY BEWITCHED BY THIS GAME THE WAY IT NEVER THROWS STRAIGHT FACTS IN UR FACE AND WISELY KEEPS ATMOSPHERE OF UNDERSTATEMENT TILL THE VERY END SO FKING CHARMING–)

whatever ceremonial stuff it is, it had started to burn before one of harry's passing out

and due to perspective in my drawing alessa stands directly on it ..

i'd like to sum up the post w little art comparison bc i also pursued the goal to redraw one of my old drawings

the first one is pretty rough for sure still luv both of them tho

june 2021 august 2022

seems like i had come to better understanding of what im trying to achieve in terms of composition COLORS and whatnot

ьььь

#silent hill #alessa gillespie #dahlia gillespie #unnamed members of the Order. dahlia's gang in short #incubator #incubus #since it's his actual birth scene #damn haven't posted anything serious in a while .. time during summer when i was deciding on ideas for zine almost feels like a past life #made the choice for a reason y'all already know how Normal i am abt sh1 <33 #although people tend to associate it exclusively w harry or/and lisa which IS fine still sad alessa rarely gets any credit............ #prolly mentioned it before idk but at the very core it's HER game #meanwhile harry is just a witness who brings us into the loop of the story #(not mocking anyone !! tho in that case harry is basically player's eyes and ears) #drawing special attention to My Heaven soundtrack game's ost is hella gud in general but this one f u c k s #oh the moment when i just realized those weird noises are actually roar of alessa's intense s c r e a m s on horribly twisted frequencies #and the God himself is grotesque embodiment of her mental and physical suffering #not to be dramatic but back then i came to sudden realization that i'll never be the same............. #tw blood #tw gore #my art

[cool-abed-filmz]

good to know the rest of d20 / fh tumblr also all genuinely remember the scooter cuz this is what i put in my notes last week watcbing the episode

#fantasy high #fhjy spoilers #when i tell you fabian’s horrible no good very bad day #was one of the most anxitety inducing moments of my life #and i literally have an anxiety disorder #adaine abernant

[skrunksthatwunk]

aurghhh ok still rewatching '97 and the way guts and casca only have the room to breathe and really come to understand and care for each other in griffith's absence because he has such a strong hold over them both.... and the way their mutual dedication to him is what causes them to bicker for years (casca thinks he's not serving him well enough, guts thinks she doesn't get that he cares/how much he cares, casca's jealousy over griffith's feelings for guts, how he won his heart without even trying or being aware of it or doing anything with it) and is also a big part of what brings them together (earlier when guts deviates from the plan to save griffith and she commends him, in the cave casca opening up about griffith and her's past, showing that vulnerability, while it's mostly confrontational, leads to guts kinda getting her better, and his efforts to save and protect her (falling off the cliff with her, taking on the 100 men so she can escape, encouraging her to return to griffith so she can help him because it's what she feels she's meant to do (her dream, the direction in life guts shares and yet is questioning because of griffith's speech at the fountain, whether or not it's enough to serve him if it means he'll never be a true friend in griffith's eyes because he's not an equal), supporting the idea of her being with griffith/being his most important person like he won't because he doesn't view it as a competition like she has been since day one) leading to her realizing that he's kind of not that bad a guy and they have a lot more in common that she thought. and how the bonfire of dreams conversation is guts opening up to her in kind, the answer to her talking about how griffith saved her, how she feels. how neither of them ever call it love but it's something they know they both have for griffith. how it's something they're beginning to have for each other, different in ways they couldn't put a word to. because they're equals this time. the way griffith kind of becomes less and less important as they find other reasons to live and fight, as they become less singularly obsessed with him. how griffith is unable to stand it, guts' personhood, that agency and peer-to-peer equality he claimed to want (and perhaps truly did) that disappeared guts from his life, his plans, his side. how it barely even matters to griffith how casca changes because he never wanted her like she wanted him. god i can't fucking stand their shakespearean nonsense drama (<- hopelessly in love with their interpersonal dynamics)

#god they're the only healthy part of this unholy mind-palace love triangle/throuple aren't they #they could have been the worst qpr/throuple in your social circle. like just insufferable when they're not getting along #if griffith hadn't [oh god oh fuck oh jesus christ] all over everything even remotely good in his life anyway #poor casca's in love with a gay man and then falls for his not-quite-boyfriend and when not-quite-boyfriend reciprocates said gay man fucki #g. Does The Eclipse Stuff. at least partially to get back at you two. oh my godd #i'm sorry i'm so not normal about them. it's starting to leak out into the blog bc i'm finally having a Berserk Moment since starting tumbl #but whewwwww. gotta get this outta my system #hope this wall of text makes sense oops <3 #berserk #berserk 1997 #how do i even tag their thang. their disastrous just horrible agonizing 3 guy dynamic. hm. #gutsca #griffguts #don't even know if anyone tags for griffith and casca. fair because 1) he raped her. yikes 2) he just straight up isn't into her #and i don't know if there's a tag for the three of them but trial and error led to nothing #but i wanna talk about their dynamic. their. (gestures wildly) whatever. it's not about thinking griffith should kiss anyone it's about lik #the agony. the pining and the torment and whatever miura so beautifully crafted for me specifically. sheesh #hope it's clear that i Don't Want Them To Be An Uwu Little Polycule Bc Casca Should Not Be In A Cutesy Throuple With Her Rapist #it's more that i think they kind of are or almost are part of this (gestures wildly again). Thing. with each other and i wanna talk about i #same with griffguts like oh man they should NOT be in a relationship. but i have this deep intense Need to study them and frankly they're #kind of crazy about each other for a while. like they care about each other so so much it's crucial to all three of their characters. #so it's kind of unavoidable. and i wanna talk about it. and have this read by people who also want to talk about it. yeah? yeah. #(and yeah i think griffith raping casca was about her and guts. like 'fuck you for making him okay with leaving me' type of vibe. even #though it wasn't her fault he's just. god. but it sure as hell isn't Mostly about casca because griffith's making eye contact like the Whol #time with guts. he makes him watch. it's just. shooooooooooo aughhhhghhghh fucking. jesus christ. that or it's the fear that his two most #important pawns are going to leave him Together and he just. can't deal with that. especially after the torture internment thing. #he's so weak and he was so close to his dream and now it's falling apart and they're leaving him and he can't even move. it's about making #damn sure they can't escape him or forget him ever again. #or maybe it's even a 'you can't have her she's mine' to guts but it's still largely like. spiteful/about possessing her as a soldier/human #because i don't think you could convince me it's about having her as a lover or about controlling/hurting/possessing her body.)

[harrowharkwife]

🚨🚨🚨 uh oh clown alert!

listen. listen to me. buck is going to win the lottery in the 6b finale "pay it forward" and then give all of it to his friends and family. possibly via anonymous "angel donation?"

and i can prove it too - spec under the cut!

these are all from 6a&6b episode transcripts. opening and closing a season with "let the games begin" and "pay it forward" can't be a coincidence! and we know hen filled out lottery tickets for everyone in the firehouse, so there's a ticket with buck's name on it that's already been played.

maddie's joked with buck twice now this season about buying lottery tickets- the second time, she told him he should play the lottery because he "got so lucky," referring to him surviving the lightning strike.

pre-lightning, we had buck telling hen in cursed that he was "having a run of bad luck" but that it would "turn around tomorrow," in reference to a non-anonymous DONATION (!!!) not going as planned.

what if the lightning, cleansing fire that it off symbolizes, basically "burned through" the rest of his bad luck, clearing the way for one helluva lucky streak?

we got the buckley diaz family joking that he might "gain more powers" as he "gets stronger." sure, math helps with poker i guess, but you know what else would help? luck.

the symbolism of buck, someone conceived for the express purpose of making a bone marrow donation he had zero say in, someone who only recently donated sperm (partially) because he felt, in his own words, like he "couldn't say no," receiving an unexpected windfall of cash, and having the freedom and the privacy to make financial donations on his own terms, of his own free will, with zero outside pressure, as opposed to making organ/tissue donations out of obligation? SO poetic.

he's not the guy who tries to fix things, anymore- he knows his own worth, and he knows he's loved, and he no longer values himself solely on what he can do for others. he doesn't think he has to earn people's love, anymore- he knows his family loves him anyway. but he'll always be buck. he'll always want to help. and there's a massive difference between helping someone just because you want to, and trying to fix everything for someone because you've convinced yourself it's what you have to do in order for them to love you back.

so: buck wins the lottery. he regifts all of it to the people in his life, quite literally paying it forward, echoing athena and hen's conversation in 911 what's your fantasy about winning the lottery and giving it all away "to people" in your community, rather than to charities. maybe some of it's anonymous, maybe some of it isn't- realistically, if everyone in the 118 suddenly gets anonymous checks in the mail, they're going to figure out it's buck eventually. but it's the spirit of the thing.

they were filming at a cruise ship dock for the finale- buck gifts bobby and athena tickets to a cruise, to replace the honeymoon cruise they missed. he probably makes a donation to bobby's AA chapter.

we know madney get in trouble with the IRS in 6x15 death and taxes, so maybe he helps them out of that jam. pays off their mortgage, helps with the renovation costs, maybe chips in towards a wedding celebration.

maybe he pays off hen's med school loans, or makes a donation to help karen's coworkers injured in the explosion, maybe a recurring monthly stipend they can use to buy fun toys for any new foster kids, something like that.

maybe he's moving in with eddie anyway, so he buys out the rest of his lease from his landlord and transfers the apartment to taylor, on the SOLE condition that she CANNOT run a news story that he's the guy who won the lottery. (i despise taylor just as much as the next girl, believe me, but megan west was on the fox lot for a hot minute, so if it ends up being for 911 and not some other show, then, well, here we are.) he did admittedly put her in a real shit situation, re: her lease and all the move-in drama. this might be a nice way of clearing the air. fucking with someone's living situation is a tremendously shitty thing to do, and i think he knows that. plus, it would make for a good parallel to abby leaving buck to housesit her place indefinitely with zero closure, and also, i just hate the loft and want it gone forever, sorry!

college fund and surfing lessons for chris, obvs.

vegas couples' trip for him and eddie.

which brings me to the connor and kameron of it all- i remember seeing a (very blurry, zero context) behind the scenes picture that looked like it MIGHT have *MAYBE*, *POSSIBLY* been buck talking to a pregnant woman in his loft. and connor's been acting real shady. and 6x13 mixed feelings had entirely too many lines about "blaming someone else for lies YOU told" re: fathers and sons. soooo... i think there's a fair chance connor could flake on kameron and leave her last-minute. he thought he wanted to be a dad, but he wasn't actually ready. or maybe he thought he'd be okay with using a sperm donor, but turns out he's not. or maybe he just liked the idea of being able to give kameron what she wanted, but he realizes it's not actually what he wants for himself. something like that. (side note: this would be SUCH a good opportunity to contrast him with buck and highlight all buck's character growth!) and he skips town- in the end, he's the one who winds up "being a father and walking away."

but buck has a chance to draw a real boundary, here! he's not this baby's dad, and he knows that. maybe kameron's ready and willing to take on being a single mom. buck already has his own family, with eddie and chris. he's not this baby's dad, because he's a dad already. but he *is* "responsible for the creation of new life," as he put it, and we heard an awful lot of talk from oliver about buck "owning his choices" and taking responsibility for them re: this plotline. so, boundaries: he's not the dad, just a friend who wants to help- he knows firsthand from eddie how hard single parenting can be, and connor taking off was a real asshole move, and kameron is a grown woman perfectly capable of raising this kid on her own, and she really wants to be a mom, but she DID get left in the lurch through no fault of her own, and that's not fair to her. so buck offers to set up a standing payment from his lottery winnings to help her cover childcare expenses and whatnot, at least while she finds her footing and tries to work some kind of formal divorce agreement out with connor, if not in perpetuity. (hell, maybe she's who he gives the loft to, not taylor!) but he helps her in some way- a sperm donation he was always sorta on the fence about, paired with a financial donation that he's certain is the right choice, and one he wants to make. standing by his past choices, honoring them, and helping nurture them.

(besides, he's saving on rent anyway, now that he's moving into the diaz house.)

maybe kameron, as a token of gratitude towards buck for helping her fulfill her dream of having a child, as a gesture of reciprocity for his assisted-reproduction donation, offers a parting quip of "well, buck, if you and your boyfriend are ever looking for a surrogate or an egg donor, you know who to call. i'd love to return the favor!" as her own way of paying it forward.

anyway, the point is this: in a season about games and money and paper trails and gambling and luck and winning and lottery tickets, i'd bet good money that we're gonna see buck win the lottery this season. how he'll actually wind up spending the money is just a guess on my part, but the actual lottery bit itself? that much i'm sure of!

#mark my words this will be my coma buck truther dodgeball of apollo moment ok I KNOW IM RIGHT #911 #evan buckley #buddie #911 spec #911 meta #if you saw me post this an hour ago with horrible formatting and then immediately delete it no you didn't ❤️ #im on mobile and fighting for my fuckin life trying to post this lol hopefully it works this time! #mutuals rb this i worked soooooo hard on it 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 #forgot to even add the gross 'you're a miracle baby buck might as well share it' from marge #but this would be an actually good and non-shitty way of him 'sharing his miracle' to highlight the importance of free will!