#i am a bad liar and would ruin it but also feel bad because they do want to marry and id ruin the chance if it actually came?

[alchemiclee]

what if I made an application for people to fill out to become my potential partner that helps me move to canada fbdndnej i dont get how people just meet someone and they start dating. I feel like I need a whole application and review and interview process to try to choose the best candidate ?????? 😅

#i feel like this is probably the most aroace thing ive come up with #but when i only judge people as potential partners by their aura/energy and how it interacts with mine..... #baaically how i feel around someone. if im comfortable and we match well. that makes it hard to know what i want in a partner? #if that makes sense. making an application form and thinking about actual characteristics could help #then the interview judges their energies #getting into canada seems impossible for me because im useless and they dont want me but if i had a partner there #its super easy. no braincells need to die. but it would also be nice to have a life partner too that actually matches me you know #the two friends i live with are partners and im their 3rd wheel but they really want me to live with them #and i cam help their financial situation with working so we can have our own place but another income would also help #why is this so hard. why am i useless with no degree or skills to get a skilled job work visas require #why am i unlovable and undateable and cant just easily scoop up a partner to make it easier #my one friend is on disability so she cant marry her gf so they keep saying i just marry her and get in that way #i am a bad liar and would ruin it but also feel bad because they do want to marry and id ruin the chance if it actually came? #like if laws chnaged and my friend can be on disability and also marry or we got good enough jobs to support her without it? #ugh i hate this. i just want to escape my shitty family and living situation. help their living situation. and LIVE WITH NY FOUND FAMILY #the type found family ive wanted in my for.....my whole life. the thing thats been my life goal since i was a lonely depressed child #byt of course they have to be in canada and im in the US and they dont make it easy to move there at all #lee rant #lee rambles #words

[i9messi]

Hi love ❤💃 could you maybe write something with charles leclerc x girlfriend reader, maybe shes a actor and does a movie with harry styles maybe like don't worry darling and charles is jelous because every where are scenes of them kissing and having ,,sex" from the movie

Acting — Charles Leclerc

Word count: 720

a/n: fluff

charles' masterlist

"Charles, baby, are you alright?"

You and your boyfriend had just arrived from the premiere of your new movie. Charles had been there to hold your trembling hands, to remind you that you were doing great, and also to bring you calm in all that commotion. It was your first starring role, a very important moment for your acting career and you didn’t want to ruin it.

Everything had gone very well, you had posed for the cameras and then in the cinema room you had sat next to your other co-workers and of course, next to your boyfriend. The film was applauded and you were happy with the result of your performance. It was a film that you had put a lot of time and effort into, and now that the movie had come out, you were proud of your work.

However, your boyfriend has been acting a little weird since he finished watching the movie. At first, he kept smiling, but once you finished watching the film, Charles had driven home quietly. Something was wrong, you could tell by the way his brow was furrowed and he didn’t say anything. Now that you were in the comfort of your home, your boyfriend went to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water.

You took off the heels that hurt your feet and waited for his answer. Charles finally spoke.

"Did you have to kiss so much?"

"Excuse me?"

"You and that guy. In every scene you were practically doing it, well, in a lot of scenes you were doing it."

You finally understood what was happening to him. Some scenes had been quite intimate between you and your co-star, that was true, but everything was fake and for the sake of the movie.

"It’s called acting. It wasn’t real, Charles."

"It seemed quite real to me."

"Are you jealous?"

"No."

Your boyfriend was a bad liar. You looked at him for a moment, his face showing how much he had bothered to see you kiss another man. He was serious, just like when during a bad race. It was a face you knew a lot, because whenever things went wrong, he would come to your side to find comfort.

"No way.... You’re actually jealous."

"Maybe I am a little bit jealous. But who wouldn’t be? You were kissing him!"

"Nothing was real, is just my job, Charles. It’s a movie, I’ve acted before and I can swear I never developed any feelings for my other teammates."

Even the scenes of sexual intercourse had been completely taken care of, you and your co-star had shared nothing but fake kisses. Charles remained upset about what had happened and you had the amazing idea to start laughing. It was funny because he didn’t have a real reason to be jealous, you couldn't care less about the other actor, not at least in the way he was concerned about.

"What are you laughing at? I don’t see anything funny..."

"You’re cute."

You narrowed the distance between you and him and decided to kiss your boyfriend. Charles seemed a little calmer once your lips came together, maybe all the questions and doubts disappeared once he knew you were there with him. The kiss you shared was true, his lips made you tremble and feel something in your heart. However, the kisses in the film had no meaning, you had felt nothing. You were in love with him.

"I love you, Charles. I choose you, I always choose you. It was just a movie and I was just acting, you don’t have to be jealous of anyone because I’m yours."

Charles finally opened his eyes and looked at you through his eyelashes.

"You’re mine?"

"Yes, I’m yours."

"Good."

This time, he kissed you. His lips joined in a warm kiss and his hands approached your face and your hair, in a desperate grip to draw you even closer to him. His hands then went down to your waist, leaving soft caresses on your skin, above your dress. You took your time to be able to breathe again, Charles had a unique way of making you feel loved.

"Sorry for everything. I just didn't like that too much, alright?"

"It's fine, love."

"I love you."

"And I love you."

"Kiss me again."

"But- mmph"

#charles leclerc fluff #charles leclerc imagine #charles leclerc one shot #charles leclerc x reader #charles leclerc #leclerc #f1 blurb #f1 one shot #f1 x you #f1 #f1 fandom #cl16 x reader #cl16 imagine #charles leclerc x you

[starcrossedxwriter]

Wicked Fantasies Part 10 (MBJx Black OC)

A/N: sooooo this is just nonstop angst. Hence the gif selection and I am sorry lol we get into some tough shit. So warnings include: severe depression and negative self talk, harassment, etc. But as always enjoy! And remember… I’m a HEA girlie through and through ☺️

Hell on Earth was the only appropriate descriptor for the last 24 hours of Raven’s life. Trapped in her apartment due to the spectacle of paparazzi camped outside her building, her only activity was laying in bed unmoving hour after hour in the fetal position. She was grateful to Melody for taking her shift, she did not know if she would have been able to find the strength to get up to go anyway.

Raven tried her best to avoid social media but laying in her bed staring at the ceiling did not provide much distraction from the agony that coursed through her. This hurt eclipsed any pain from a physical wound that she had ever felt. It was paralyzing. And scrolling, even if she had to wade through stories and commentary on her own life as if she were a fictional character from the world’s latest Netflix obsession, offered some reprieve from thinking about him.

He consumed her every thought despite wanting nothing more than to rid her brain of him. But his claws were in too deep and even blocking his number had not offered relief when the only thing she wanted was to seek comfort from him. Her heart ached for him as if it would never be right again without his presence, his touch. But her brain would not allow her to call him or even unblock him. He was the curse, the disease… she certainly would find no cure in him.

The negative orator in her head called him a liar, reminded her that she did not deserve him and he knew it, which was why this all happened in the first place. So she stayed in her small ball in the corner of her bed fighting the urge to call him or break down into sobs again.

Her roommate checked on her every couple of hours and that was the sum of her human interaction since she left Michael’s house. She did not want to see or talk to anyone. So she didn’t. Her phone remained on DND, every call and text going unanswered. She knew she only had a few more days of this. The library had taken her off the schedule for a week, citing a need to figure out how to deal with the safety concerns this situation brought. But Raven knew the truth, the only available solution would be to let her go. Another job down the drain because of her terrible choices, because the only setting she seemed to know was self destruction.

That was all she knew how to do it… ruin her own life and the lives of everyone around her. She did not even speak to her family anymore and still knew, from her sister’s nonstop texts and calls that she didn’t respond to or answer, that even they were feeling the burn of her choices. Of course, Kiara was not wasting the opportunity to snag herself another 15 minutes of fame but she did not say anything worse than what Raven had already seen from strangers or did not already believe about herself.

Tears sprang to her eyes as thought about her own role in every bad turn and mistake her life had taken that led to this moment. She could blame Michael and her family but perhaps it was finally time to own that they were all right: it was her. She was the problem.

She chose to sell her body, even when she was in college as a dancer, to make a quick buck. She chose to do the same as an adult, she chose to enter into Michael’s ring of lies and she let him play as the fool. She could hate him but that meant she would also have to hate herself.

And acknowledging her hate for him was far less excruciating than examining how she brought this collapsing building right down on herself.

***

“What happened?”

“Damn, nigga. Can I get through the front door first or get a hello?”

Michael let out an impatient sigh and shifted out of the way so Alex could walk into his foyer. He had been a nervous wreck since she called an hour prior asking if she could swing by the house to talk. He had deleted social media from his phone so he did not have to see the vitriol being hurled at Raven. He did not care what people said about him but Alex literally had to stand over his shoulder and watch him delete every app to stop him from responding to every disgusting comment he read about her.

While his plan may have worked in popular media outlets and with sensible people online, he severely underestimated the contingent of very loud incels and pick-mes who would blame Raven regardless of how the story was presented to them.

“My bad. Hey. What happened?” he asked again, his tone signaling that he was not in the mood for Alex’s signature attitude. He needed answers and he needed them now. He would have time for pleasantries again and everything else when Raven forgave him. Or even just answered his phone calls and texts.

Michael gestured for Alex to follow him to the kitchen where he had been helping his mom and dad cook dinner. Or rather helping in between wearing a hole in his floor due to his incessant pacing and complaining about when Alex would arrive.

“I”m not gonna show you unless you calm the fuck down.” One side glance from his mother had Alex cringing at herself. “Sorry, Ms. Donna.”

The older woman merely nodded as she returned to her task of chopping vegetables.

“Well, I’ll start with the good news. I checked in on all your endorsements and deals and they said as long as this situation doesn’t evolve any further, they have no interest in dropping you. People still love you for some reason. And it’s been a week, so if old… partners were going to come out, they would’ve. All our Creed 3 press is still set but I had to do some rearranging now that the Oscars are set for the second weekend in March. So you’re going to Mexico City this weekend to get a head start. And we still have your interview slate for the Oscars set. You’re in for a busy six weeks… I know what’s going on with Raven is a lot but I need your head in the game, Mike. Seriously.”

“Alex! I don’t give a fuck about an interview schedule. What did you hear about Raven?”

“You know it’s literally my job to manage your career, not your continuously screwed up love life, right? Sometimes I worry you have it confused. But yes, I do have news on Raven too. Which is mostly… well all bad news. Most of the conversation has moved on. People are still attacking her on social but that’s not all that surprising. Vultures are still circling her apartment, not as many but a couple every day. Today was the first day she left the house in a week to go back to work. But… she got fired.”

Michael paused his pacing in shock. He knew how much that job, however she came to need it, meant to Raven. It had been a refuge during one of the most painful times in her life and his actions had stolen that from her.

“WHAT?”

Alex scoffed. “I told you our plan wouldn’t be without consequences, Mike. It just had the least amount of them. You can’t be surprised. She worked at a public library with kids and the entire world found out she was a prostitute. She was probably an at-will employee so they don’t even need a reason to fire her. But paparazzi surrounding her job every day and idiots calling to campaign to get her fired is more than enough for most places. But that’s not… that’s not the worst part.” Alex’s stiletto tipped nails tapped against her screen a few times before she tossed it down on the kitchen island. “A contact at TMZ sent me a video a couple hours ago. They aren’t gonna post it,” she assured him. “But there were plenty of cameras so someone else might. Just forwarded it to you.”

Michael moved quickly to open his email, his body equally wrestling between wanting to see whatever this was and being afraid to. But he knew he did not have a choice. He took a deep breath to steady himself as he pressed play on the video. The TMZ reporter had their camera trained on Raven as she tried to fight her way out of the back exit to her car in the parking lot. It was from earlier today, Michael realizing that she must have gone into her shift only to be let go. However, she was not simply fighting through a sea of flashing lights and insensitive questions. There was also a small group of men hurling insults at her as she fought through the crowd.

“I guess niggas really don’t be having jobs cause who has the time to post outside of someone else’s job to harass them?” Alex muttered to no one in particular as Michael’s attention and focus remained trained on the video.

The words of everyone else in the video were just static to him because his eyes and attention were squarely set on Raven. His soul felt as if it was splintering into millions of pieces as he watched her. Despite the meticulous makeup painted and her stoic poker face, Michael could still see the sorrow and exhaustion in her eyes. He had seen such a look in her eyes before and it hurt then, but now it was somehow worse. A fatal wound because this time, it was his fault. He would not need a video for that look to haunt him for the rest of his life.

He continued watching despite wanting nothing more than to get in his car and race to her apartment. The video was chaotic as the cameraman tried to keep up with the mob of cameras and people and keep the focus on the woman at the center of the storm. Michael did not understand what happened when Raven suddenly stopped moving, her poker face gone as one of pure terror took over.

Michael’s eyes frantically searched the frame of the video for what changed, even pausing it for a moment, until he noticed a hand wrapped tightly around her upper arm. He watched as she frantically pulled against the force of the person but their grip was too tight. And he could hear the whimper of pain in her words as she begged him to let her go.

The altercation did not last long when one of the cameramen was able to break the man’s grip on her and Raven scurried off to her car, her eyes brimming with tears.

Michael forced his phone to go to sleep as he squeezed it in his fist. Michael usually existed at an emotional equilibrium but his rage felt all consuming. Is this what seeing red felt like? When your anger was so blinding, you could not see or think of anything that did not fuel that fire? The entire internet had become Inspector gadget to find Raven’s job and address to harass her but would they do the same for that guy? Someone who tried to do her harm? Michael merely wanted five minutes alone with him to exercise all that rage at someone who deserved it.

He did not say a word as he marched past Alex and out of his kitchen to the foyer where he kept his car keys and wallet. He grabbed both and angrily stomped out to the garage, his thoughts set on nothing other than seeing Raven. Even if he was only able to lay his eyes on her for a moment, he needed to see her. In the flesh.

“Michael! Mike! Stop! Stop!!” Alex raced after him, quickly catching up with him despite her high heels. Her hand grabbed the door of his car before he could fully climb in. “Where are you going?”

“To Raven’s.”

Alex’s arm jerked the car door away from him as he tried to pull it closed. “You need to give her time. You’re probably not the nigga she wants to see at her door right now. And… there are still cameras around her house. You don’t need -”

“You think I give a fuck about someone seein’ me go there?? Get outta my fuckin’ way, Alex. Now.” His voice lost its usual kind tone as he glared at her, his barely contained rage seeping out into the garage around them like thick smoke.

Alex’s grip loosened but she did not acquiesce fully. “At least let me come with you.”

Their standoff continued for mere seconds before he caved and gave her a few moments to get into the passenger’s seat. If allowing her to go with him was the only way to see his girl then he would let her ride along. But she would not be able to stop him from doing a damn thing, he knew that much.

They did not speak as he raced through LA to get to Raven’s apartment. He did not wait for Alex to get out or say anything as he walked into her building and made a beeline for the elevator. Before he knew it, he was banging on her door like the police had shown up.

“Ok calm down, we don’t need the whole damn floor filming this for that damn clock app,” Alex grumbled, Michael essentially ignoring her as he continued banging until the door flung open.

Her roommate stood there, a confused look on her face for a moment, before she glanced over her shoulder in the direction of Raven’s closed door.

“I need to see her.”

“I don’t think she’s up for visitors,” the young woman responded, her tone leaving little room for arguments. She tried to close the door but Michael stuck his foot in the doorway and stopped her.

“She doesn’t have to talk to me but I need to see her. Let me in.” Michael knew he had no right to demand entry into someone else’s home but he was at a loss, his hands were tied.

“What he means to say,” Alex stepped forward, pulling Michael back slightly, “is that he just wants to see she is ok after today with his own eyes. And then we’ll leave, I promise. Two minutes, that’s all we want. Please?”

“I’m not gonna force her to see you. You can wait here while I ask.”

She left them at the doorway to show themselves inside as she went to knock on Raven’s door.

“Raven? Can you come out here?”

He heard shuffling from behind her closed door before it cracked open. He could not see her but he could hear her voice, small and broken. A sound he never wanted to hear again. He was supposed to be the solution to her pain, not the cause of it.

“I d-don’t want to see him.”

“I just need a minute, Rae!” Michael did not wait for the invitation as he walked up to her door and gestured for her roommate to move out of his way. “Just let me see you… please.”

Raven leaned her head against the door frame as she debated whether to comply. Something in her demanded that she slam the door in his face. But her first on her doorknob merely shook as if she could not force herself to do it, her limbs refusing to obey her brain’s orders. She did not want to see him.

Whatever bandage she was using to stop the bleeding of this wound was immediately ripped off and her hurt flowed once again like blood at his mere presence. She could not even look at him, or rather was afraid to. Afraid that if she looked into those eyes, she would believe whatever sad tale of love and care he brought to spin for her this time. She could not fall for that again. With him or anyone else. And yet, her body still wanted to run to him and jump into his arms, bury her nose into the nape of his neck and breathe in him. His signature cologne, his natural musk that had grown to represent a sanctuary for her.

She forced herself behind the ice walls she had spent a week building. She was too weak to survive without them. Those barriers and their harshness were the only thing that had dragged her out of bed to go to her shift, which lasted a total of an hour before she was fired. She was not surprised but preparation had not made it an easier experience. She had been proud of herself for holding it together, walking out with her head held high. That is, until the utter debacle outside the library.

Michael had always been the one who the barriers came down for. But now, his presence made them grow higher and higher as if to protect David from Goliath.

She stepped back and opened the door just enough for her face to be seen. She did not look at him though, keeping her eyes trained on the wall behind him.

“What? The paparazzi videos aren’t enough? Need to see your destruction in person? There, you’ve seen me. Now get out.”

Her voice was cold, colder than he ever knew her to be toward anyone much less him. It was being stabbed in the chest and having the knife twisted for effect. Made all the worse by the fact that she could not even look him in the eye.

“Rae… baby girl, please. I just want to make sure you are alright after today… between the library and that guy. Just want to make sure you aren’t hurt.”

A mere week ago, Raven would have melted like a childish lovesick school girl at “baby girl,” at his care and devotion to her. But today, her heart had to remain cold for her own preservation, safely tucked behind the ice walls she erected.

“Don’t call me that. You don’t get to call me that. And it’s not the first job I’ve lost, I’ll survive. Whether or not I’m hurt or employed shouldn’t matter to you. You made it clear you don’t care.”

“It does matter to me. You matter to me. Did he hurt you?”

“Bruises heal… This one will too. It’s the other wounds I’m not sure about,” she muttered, more to herself than him. “You want me to read you some of my DMs? Compared to what they all say they want to do to me, I got off easy with a bruise. So now you know. I don’t want to repeat myself again. Get. Out.”

“I’ll do anything, Rae. Just talk to me, hear me out. I didn’t mean for this o-or any of this to happen like this. Let me fix this. Or at least let me protect you.”

She shook her head, refusing to listen to a word he had to say. In one ear and out the other. It was all lies. “No. You can’t fix this. I don’t want your words, your lies, your apologies, or your protection. I don’t want anything from you ever again. You wanted me out of your life just like everyone else I know so you got your wish. Come back here again and I’ll call the police.”

And with that, she slammed her door in his face, leaving him standing awkwardly in the living room with Alex and her roommate. He simply stood there like a statue, mouth agape with his apologies on the tip of his tongue, staring at her closed door for a few moments.

“You heard her. You should go.”

With her roommate’s echo, Michael forced his legs to move. However, before he could get far, he stopped and grabbed a spare piece of paper and pen that was left discarded on their counter. He jotted down his number and pushed it into her hand.

“Tiffany, right?” At her nod, he continued. “I’ll give her space cause that’s what she wants. But anythin’ happens like today again, call me. Please.”

The young woman eyed him intently and stowed the paper away in her pocket before Michael walked out of the door with Alex in tow. As they stepped into the elevator of her building, Michael unleashed his pent-up frustration by punching a hole into the side of the elevator, an action that only caused a rippling pain to shoot up from his knuckles.

“Well that was decidedly stupid. You’re gonna have to get that looked at.” Alex shook her head. “She’s not ready yet, Mike. And for once, you’re not in control of how this goes. She needs time. Give it to her. But she’s ok today, that’s all that matters.”

Michael’s unbruised hand massaged his knuckles as they walked to his car. He sat in his seat silently for a few moments.

“You think she’s still in danger?”

“I think people on the internet often forget the people they’re attacking are real people. Most of this will stay online and be fine but we can’t predict the people who’ll do what that guy did today and take it to the real world. There’s just… no way of knowing.”

Michael sighed and nodded. “Get me a list of bodyguards. Vetted. She doesn’t want to see me, fine. But she’s gonna get protection whether she likes it or not.”

“You can’t force her to have a bodyguard.”

“You got me in Mexico City, Paris, London, New York, and Miami for the next month. You think I’m steppin’ on a damn plane with niggas tryin’ to attack her? Get me the fuckin’ list.”

“I know shit is fucked right now, Michael, but you can’t stop working just because your girlfriend is mad at you.”

“I don’t care about work right now, Alex!”

“Maybe you should! Maybe I shouldn’t be the only one holding your fucking career and reputation together while you spend all your energy making bad decision after fucking bad decision.”

Michael’s entire body whipped around to face the passenger seat, the anger he had pushed down beneath the surface already bubbling to the top. He was a powder keg and unfortunately, Alex was the spark.

“Oh so all of this is my fault?? Tasha fuckin-”

She threw her hands up in the air. “Stop blaming Tasha! She’s trash, she fuckin’ sucks and backed you into a corner but it’s not all on her, Mike! I’m not one of these fuckin’ yes men whose gonna shield you from accountability just to pad your fuckin’ giant actor ego. You fucked up, Michael. You. You could’ve ended it with Tasha as soon as you realized you were in love with Raven, but you didn’t. You strung her along because it was easier than admitting your feelings. You could’ve taken any of the millions of opportunities to admit what was going on to Raven like I told you and you didn’t. You wanted to play big man and stick it to Tasha instead of focusing on the person that actually mattered. And you didn’t want to admit that you were still talking to her. You didn’t leak this out of some purely noble intentions. This didn’t just happen to you. You caused this because as good of a guy as you are, you always do what is easiest for you instead of what is hard. So you and Tasha made this fucked up bed together. Own that shit and stop wallowing in it like a fucking bitch baby.”

His grip on the steering wheel was nearly painful as her harsh words sank in. And as difficult as they were to hear, as much as they clashed against the narrative he was clinging to, he knew they were not untrue. While it was far easier to lay the whole debacle at Tasha’s feet, he knew he was not blameless in what happened. But he had underestimated how torturous it would be to see the consequences of his own actions, how it would gnaw at him day in and day out. And the only way he was even surviving day to day was wrapping his brain tightly in the narrative that he did what was best. Without that protective blanket, he did not know if he could survive seeing the destruction he caused.

“Damn tell me how you really feel.” He banged his fist on the steering wheel a few times. “I just… I feel like I can’t do shit else till I fix this. Till she forgives me.”

Alex took a long deep breath before reaching over and squeezing his hand. “I know… but her forgiving you and you fixing the damage this all caused may not be the same thing. You don’t get to control when she forgives you and your life can’t stop until she does. If she does. Fix what you can, keep showing up where you can, and the rest is on her.”

“And if she doesn’t?”

“Then she doesn’t. And that has to be ok too.” She pulled out her phone and sent a quick text. “I’ll have the list of bodyguards for you by noon tomorrow. Just promise me you’ll get on that plane on Friday? And that your head will be focused on your career, not her. Give me six weeks Mike. Press tour, world premiere, Oscars and then you can chase after her like a lost puppy all you want.”

“Yea I promise. I know how hard you’ve worked for all this… ain’t gonna let you down, Alex.”

“I get paid either way. You earned this. Care more about not letting yourself down.”

And with that, Michael peeled off the curb of Raven’s apartment building and started their trek back to his home. The entire ride Alex’s words tumbled in his brain. He had been so focused on convincing Raven to forgive him when he did need to give her space, as excruciating as that was for him. But space did not mean he could not work to fix the very tangible things his decisions had ruined for her.

“Did you ever get that list of Black agents and publishers that rep fantasy novels?” he asked randomly as they pulled back into his spot in the garage.

“Yea, pulled it a while ago.”

Michael walked Alex to her car, which sat out in front of his house.

“Good. Any on the list you particularly like?”

“One of them’s a friend and if I’m being honest… She is the list.”

“Aight. Let’s game plan that on the plane ride after our interview prep”

Alex leaned against the hood of her car, smiling at him. She patted him on the arm and gave him a smile. “There’s the Michael B Jordan I attached my career to. Welcome back.”

He merely rolled his eyes and smiled. He was a man of action. He would wait a hundred years if that was how much time and space Raven needed. But her not wanting to see him did not mean he could not continue to be what he had always been for her: the first person who took care of her.

***

A knock at Raven’s door forced her out of bed. She had not made much effort to leave the comfort of her own bed since losing her job. She had been able to save up enough from her dates with Michael to save a decent safety net. She would have a couple months before she needed to think seriously about what was next and how to pay rent. She savored the cushion. Her thoughts were an utter mess so she certainly was not mentally strong enough to plan.

As she walked to her front door, her phone started vibrating.

Kiara

She had been avoiding her calls like she was the bubonic plague. She knew why she was calling. To gloat and rub salt in Raven’s wounds. She could almost hear the vitriol Kiara would throw at her without even answering the phone. So she didn’t. She did not care to. She decided to just wait her out, if she ignored her calls enough, she would eventually give up… right? After all, it had almost been two weeks.

Raven had not heard from her dad at all, which she did not know whether to be thankful for or add that to the list of wounds that would not close. Some small part of her would have hoped that, despite them not speaking since the holidays, that he would check in on her after all of this. But she had done all of them a favor when she cut them off. They wanted her out of their lives and she wanted them out of hers. She knew she should no longer care what either of them thought of her.

She sent her call straight to voicemail as she opened her door to find an extremely tall, brooding bald man with shades standing outside her door. He kind of reminded her of what a secret service agent in movies looked like.

“Can I help you?”

“Are you Raven Turner?”

“Why do you want to know?” She kept the door knob in her hand in case she needed to push it closed. She thankfully had not had any crazies approaching her at home, small comfort. But perhaps, that was about to end.

“My name is David Brooks. I’ve been hired to be your bodyguard. May I come in?” Raven’s eyes grew wide as he tried to make a step over the threshold to her apartment. She immediately stepped into his path, using her body and the door as shields.

“You think I’m just gonna let you in cause you say you’re a bodyguard?? I didn’t hire a bodyguard. And I don’t need one. So you could be a serial killer with an elaborate ruse for all I know. Leave.”

“You should know that no serial killer would choose a ruse so specific. And apartments are a foolish place to murder someone, too many eye witnesses. And if I was here to harm you, I’d already be inside. Your door certainly would not stop me.”

“You know you are not really inspiring trust, right?”

“Apologies. It is just frustrating how obsessed the average American woman is about being murdered by a serial killer when statistically, it will never happen. But I digress. Just because you do not believe you do not need a bodyguard, does not mean you don’t.” He reached under his arm and handed her a neat folder of papers. “Resume, background check… much of which is redacted. Security reasons. And he said you would be a reluctant principal so I included the latest research and data on how cyber attacks and stalking can turn violent. Now have I inspired trust?”

Raven took the folder out of his hand and flipped through it quickly, her small stature still blocking his entrance to her home. Her eyes skimmed each page, which included everything about this man except his damn social security number. He seemed legit and even the parts that were not redacted in black highlighter seemed terrifying. But she did not budge from her protective stance in front of her home. She still did not understand.

“Who even hired you??” There was no one in her life that cared enough or could afford to hire her a bodyguard. Well no one except…

Fuck.

“Michael B. Jordan. Any other questions or may I come in so we can discuss your security? Do you do this often? Talk to people in your doorway? Because that will need to end immediately.” His eyes glanced up and down the hallway of her apartment.

Raven let out a deep exhale of frustration and stepped aside, allowing him in. Mainly because she did not want their standoff to continue in her hallway for one of her nosy neighbors to see.

“Don’t get comfortable… you won’t be staying.”

How dare he? She thought to herself. Why can’t he just leave me the fuck alone!

She angrily grabbed her phone off of the kitchen island where she had discarded it. She was too pissed off to feel many other emotions about hearing his voice as she unblocked Michael’s number and hit the call button. She had not spoken to him since he showed up at her apartment days prior.

Ice walls, ice walls, she told herself as she prepared to hear his voice. She forced herself not to read into the fact that it only rang once before his voice started to fill her ear.

“Rae! Lis-”

“Fire him,” she demanded, cutting him off. She had no desire to hear anything he had to say to her.

There was a still beat of silence before Michael’s voice filled her ears again, steaming with the dominance she once craved and yearned for.

“No.”

“I’m not kidding, Michael.”

“I ain’t laughing, Raven. You aren’t ready to talk to me, you aren’t ready to see me, fine. But I’m not gon’ let you fend off paparazzi and randoms alone. And I can’t be there. So he stays.”

Anger coiled in her belly causing her to immediately raise her voice. Every fiber in her being hated him.

“So he can report my every move back to you?? Fuck no. And fuck you. The only reason I would need protection is because of what you did. I’ll never be ready to talk to you and I want nothing from you.”

She could tell this was a losing battle but she fought regardless. She could not handle this shadow following her every second, a visual reminder of him and the fact that he cared about her. But everything in her told her that he didn’t care about her. His actions had made that abundantly clear. This was nothing more than a complex manipulation… like everything else he had done to her since the night they met.

“He’s not obligated to report anythin’ back to me, I promise. I’ve dealt with the paparazzi and crazy fans longer than you. It actually can be dangerous. And I’m traveling and doing all this press so it’s not gonna die off until I’m out of the spotlight in a few weeks. So until then, he stays.”

Raven forgot that Michael was officially on his giant world press tour for Creed 3. A part of her wanted to ask him about it, hear how it was going and how he felt. But she could not allow that either. She did not care about his career. She did not care about him anymore.

“I don’t need anymore help and if I did, I certainly wouldn’t want it from you.”

He let out a sigh that sounded almost… sad? Raven shook her head. She was not going to give in, waver, or break. He was one of the best actors of her generation and that was all this was: an act.

“I deserve that shit. I know it. But I’m not gonna apologize for carin’ about you even if you hate me.”

The back of her eyes stung at his words. She despised it, she did not want to feel this for him. He had destroyed her and she vowed never to let him close enough to do it again. Or anyone for that matter. But perhaps her resolve was not as steadfast as she desperately wanted to believe it was. Her heart may have been willing to hear him out again, but her stubborn brain refused to allow her to give in.

“I do… hate you,” she whispered, hating how clear her emotions were in her tone. Hearing his voice cracked something open inside her and all those walls were starting to crash around her.

“I know… but I’ll never stop, Rae. Never stop lovin’ you and carin’ about what happens to you. Hate me all you want but that’s it.”

She shook her head, even though she knew he could not see it.

Lies. It’s all lies. He doesn’t care. No one does. So stop kidding yourself.

The back of her hand quickly wiped away the few falling tears before she sniffled slightly and cleared her throat. She refused to give in. He did not love her, he did not care about her. That’s the only thing she knew was real. The rest was lies.

“You don’t care what happens to me,” she responded definatively. “No one does,” she repeated the menacing voice in her head that forced her insecurities and hard truths to the surface of her brain. “Hell… I don’t anymore.” Her voice trailed off slightly.

“Rae…” Whatever rebuttal he had started to form in his brain at her first statement faded away like a sandcastle swept in a tidal wave at her words. Did she really think that? Believe that no one in the world cared about her? Did she really no longer care about herself? Those words struck fear in his soul.

“Tell me how I can fix it, baby. Please. Tell me what I can do for you to forgive me.”

Her entire body sagged against the weight of her kitchen counter. She let the phone fall from her ear as a sob bubbled to the surface. She forgot about the GI Joe soldier who was standing in her living room awkwardly pretending as if he could not hear them.

“I-I don’t know if y-you can fix this, Michael. N-Not what you did b-but this exhaustion. I’m just… tired,” she wiped her eyes. “I’m tired o-of reaching out and getting swatted away… I’m tired of being disappointed b-by people. I’m t-tired of forgiving a-and piecing myself back together just to be pushed down and b-broken again. I-I h-have to f-find the fucking energy to pick up the p-pieces of my l-life y-yet again because I d-don’t… have any choice. B-But I d-don’t have enough… to do that a-and figure this out right now. I c-can’t think about forgiving you until I stop feeling…. this … exhausted.” Her words were barely audible as her emotions made her throat too tight to speak.

Another sob broke its way through before she forced her to clear her throat before she stood up straight. She could not do this, could not talk to him and let the door even crack. The wound still hurt too much.

“Goodbye, Michael.”

Raven hung up and blocked his contact once again. She glanced at her new shadow, who now turned his attention back to her.

“I can’t do this right now. I’m not leaving the house today so come back tomorrow and we can talk.” She did not wait for him to agree. “Get out.”

He seemed wholly unperturbed by her rudeness, she was clearly not his first “reluctant principal.” He merely nodded and walked to her front door, leaving the folder and his card with his cell phone number with her.

Raven marched into her bedroom and slammed her door shut, the chorus of sobs she was holding in finally breaking from the surface. Two weeks, only two weeks had passed and she just did not want to feel this anymore. This destruction. The wreckage of her life simply felt too great to rebuild. And there did not seem to be any light at the end of this particular tunnel.

***

The days marched by at a slow pace as Raven tried to do what she told Michael: pick up the pieces to her life. Her day to day now included her own personal GI Joe who followed her everywhere she went. And drove her everywhere she went. Which, admittedly, was not that many places. She did not have a job and she had few friends in LA so she spent most of her time in her apartment, occasionally venturing out for necessities. She imagined she was the easiest and most boring person David had ever protected.

Though they had gotten off to a rocky start, Raven had to admit that she felt safer when she did leave her home with him by her side. And he was not overbearing or bothersome. He had a few rules, which were easy enough for her to follow. And he promised that he would not report her every move back to Michael. She was not sure if she believed him fully but he seemed sincere enough.

She still thought about him, a ghost haunting her every passing thought. Thoughts that were only amplified as pictures and clips from his press tour went viral all over social media. She had tried her hardest to avoid them but sometimes she found her eyes lingering on a reel or tik tok featuring him. She never quite listened to what he was actually saying, she merely just studied him. The way he laughed with his entire body, the spark in his eyes as he talked about his craft and his passion.

He seemed happy… without her, a realization that always made her close whatever video it was and want to curl back up in her bed.

She did not want to miss him, she did not want to still be in love with him. But she still felt everything, all of that love and every ounce of the hurt.

An unknown number covered Michael’s face in the video she was silently watching. Unknown numbers were a mixed bag these days but something in her told her to answer it. It was an LA number, if that made her feel any better about it.

“Hello?”

“Hi, may I speak with Raven Turner?”

“This is she.”

“Hi Ms. Turner. My name is Angelina Smith, I’m the founder of The Spark Agency. We rep Black authors across fiction from contemporary to fantasy and sci/fi. I’ve been looking for new talent and a friend of mine passed along your name to me. You have a few minutes to chat?”

Raven’s eyes grew wide. She did not need to race to google to know who Angelina Smith and the Spark Agency were. They were the first, and one of the only, major Black-owned literary agencies and one of the only that almost exclusively repped Black and Brown authors. She had queried damn near every agent there when she first finished her manuscript but none of it worked out.

“Wait… you’re THE Angelina Smith?? If this is an elaborate prank…” Raven muttered, her brain already forcing her to temper her hopes and dreams. It would not surprise her if this was some insane tik tok prank or ruse to humiliate her. A month ago, she would have never considered that but now? She did not put much past people anymore.

She laughed. “No, I promise this is not a prank. I read your book… you’re incredibly talented. I work closely with Del Rey, Penguin House’s fantasy imprint, and I think your book and series would be perfect for them.”

“Seriously??”

“Yes. Could you come down to my office one day this week? Maybe tomorrow? You’re based here in LA too, right? We can also do something virtual if you’re not in town though. I would love to just chat about your vision for the series and see if we could be a good fit? And if it is, start to discuss all the business stuff. My least favorite part, to be honest,” she chuckled. “Can you give me your email?”

Raven rattled off her email quickly, still shocked and confused as to what was even happening right now.

“Ok great, my assistant will send you a calendar invitation and information. I have to jump but I'm looking forward to meeting you. Talk tomorrow.”

And with that, the call ended, leaving Raven with extreme whiplash as she tried to process what even just happened. She let out a breathy chuckle as she wondered if her life was about to turn around for the better. She did wonder how she even found her book, published under a pseudonym so it would not have been that easy to find. And she had basically been told her career in publishing was dead without hope of resuscitation so why would one of the most successful Black agents in publishing even want to waste their time on her?

A war raged as she tried to decide if this was really real. But a ding of her email let her know that it was legit. She studied every aspect of the email from email addresses to signatures, using LinkedIn and other investigative searches to verify her assistant’s existence as a person and everything checked out. If this was a ruse, it was the most elaborate one she had ever seen. It seemed… legit?

The smallest sprout of hope bloomed in her belly at the thought. Perhaps her life was not completely and totally destroyed. Well it was, but for the first time in a month, she did not see only despair ahead. She saw a path to build something new out of it.

***

“Raven! Angelina,” the tall, lean, and insanely gorgeous woman glided to her office door to greet Raven like she was floating on the air instead of walking in her incredibly high Louboutins. She held out her hand, Raven shaking it enthusiastically. “It is so great to meet you.”

“It is great to meet you too. And sorry,” she wiped her sweaty palm against her dress. “Kinda nervous.”

Angelica waved her hand dismissively. “No need to be nervous. I’ll be honest, I truly rarely say this but I’m already sold on you… just gotta sell you on me,” she winked.

“You’re the first agent to show interest in my work in years… and not to sound like a complete fan, you’re every author’s dream. Hardly need to sell me on you or your agency.”

“I know a diamond when I see one,” she shrugged. “Please sit,” she gestured toward the comfy white couch in her corner office, each woman sitting on each side.

“Not sure about a diamond,” Raven muttered. Her shoulders sagged a bit as she chewed on her lip. This was her dream but all night she had grappled with one thing, one thing that would kill their working relationship before it even began. Her reputation.

“I am so appreciative of this… And honestly, just knowing that someone of your caliber sees the value of my work would be enough. I mean you are amazing a-and your agency has repped some of my favorite authors. And this is such an honor.”

“How do I already sense a but coming?”

Raven smiled sadly. “But I don’t want you to waste your time. I doubt any publisher’s gonna want my name attached to them.”

Angelina stood up and walked over to a small table, pouring two glasses of brown liquor from a decanter she had sitting there. She returned to her perch on the couch, handing Raven one of the glasses.

“Do you think I would personally reach out to you without asking around about you? Without doing a google search? You don’t get to be me without doing your due diligence and I do mine. I know everything ‘your name’ comes with and I still called you. I won’t presume to know everything but I heard enough to know that what your last publisher did to you was not on you or right. Publishers can preach about caring about marginalized voices all they want but it’s still hard to be a woman, a black woman, in our industry. So when a phenomenal black writer gets labeled difficult? I… know what that means. And as for your situation now… well, I like an author with an interesting story,” she shrugged, though interesting was not the word Raven would have used to describe her own story. “But since you think I need convincing about you, let me ask you this… why did you want to be a writer? And why fantasy?”

Raven’s hands anxiously twisted in her lap as she thought about it. “A lot of reasons but mainly… all books are windows… a peek behind the curtain into another life, another time, another reality. But for me, fantasy books were always more? They were doors, a real escape into another world where life was limitless and the powerless underdog could be more. That you could fall but there’s always a reason to pick yourself back up and try again until you don’t fall anymore. And when I wrote my first short story, I realized they were also mirrors, a chance to examine yourself and your own life…” Raven’s hand picked up the hardback copy of her book that sat between the two women. “And heal wounds. Or at least start the process. And when I was old enough, I just realized I didn’t want to just be escaping into someone else’s world. I wanted to escape into one of my own creation too.”

Angelina smiled and nodded. “And that’s what all the due diligence in the world can’t tell me but the only thing I really need to know. I don’t care about anything other than whether this is your passion. And whether you are good at it. Check those boxes and I can work magic with anything, trust me. And as for your concern about publishers, I will admit that I may have been a bit overzealous but I already put feelers out and have three publishers, including Del Rey, who want to meet with you. Your old publishing house even reached out but I didn’t respond. My first response was to tell them to fuck off but wanted to check with you first.”

“Fuck off is pretty polite for what I want to say to them,” Raven muttered under her breath.

“Then fuck off it is.” The two women shared a knowing smile before Angelina continued.

The rest of the meeting was a dream, Raven forgot how amazing this all felt. Even the mundane legal stuff sparked an excitement she had not felt in such a long time. And now she had three meetings on the books to shop her book and an agent again, a book she thought she was not going to be able to do anything with ever again.

“Ok, I think that’s all I need for today. One thing, they’re gonna want book 2 fairly quickly. Any deal we get will include a reprint of this one but they’re all gonna want a first draft as soon as you can get one. Maybe let’s check in again on your progress on March 15? Gives you about a month.”

Raven grimaced on the inside. She had half of her second book done years ago and the doc sat unfinished and untouched ever since she lost her deal. Even with this surge of hope and new energy, she did not know if her creative juices were even still there. However, she did not voice any of those concerns to Angelina. How could she tell this badass woman that she was putting her name on the line for her and Raven did not even know if she could write anymore?

“Sounds good. I can do that,” she lied.

Or at least, we can try… and pray.

“Ok great. Jason will be bombarding your email over the next week with invites and such but I think we’re in good shape. We’ll send over my contract. If you have a lawyer, have them look it over. It’s standard in my opinion but I encourage all my authors to read it with a fine tooth comb and send back notes. It was great meeting you, Raven. I look forward to working with you.”

They shook hands once more before Raven stood to walk out of her office. However, at her door, Raven paused and turned around.

“I’m sorry… Can I ask you one more thing?”

“Of course.”

“How did you… find my book? I wasn’t querying or anything. It’s not even sold in stores anymore.”

“Oh, a good friend of mine passed a copy along. Said you had gotten the rights back recently and thought I might be interested. One thing I’ve learned is to never doubt Alexandra Williams. She knows how to spot rare talent and she was right, per usual. It’s infuriating really,” the woman laughed.

Raven used her hand on the doorknob to steady herself as her words hit her. She supposed she should not have been shocked but she was. A million questions ran through her brain. Why had he done that? What did he hope to get out of it? Was this another manipulation or a sign that he truly loved and cared about her? That he really wanted to fix all of this?

“Sorry… I may have wrongly assumed she or Michael told you I was gonna reach out.”

Raven realized that her internal monologue was clearly showing across her face. She quickly shook her head and replaced her perplexed look with a fake smile. “No, no. Don’t apologize. They probably wanted it to be a surprise. Thank you… again.”

“Thank me when we get you a deal,” she winked at her before giving her a wave.

Raven nodded and saw herself out, realizing that now… she actually had to do something. No more wallowing in bed and watching sad movies. Her life was back in motion and if she did not pick up her feet to keep up, she would ruin this second chance too.

She shot David a quick text asking him to pull around to pick her up. She had a book to write.

***

Michael was pitfully scrolling through his camera roll as Tessa came up behind him and slid into the open seat next to Alex on their jet. Tessa had been a bright spot on this press tour, keeping him engaged and laughing as much as she could. He was grateful. However, when he was alone or in spaces like this with no cameras, the melancholy always settled back in and he found himself seeking out Raven. Now that was simply a text that went unanswered, a wall of blue messages on his end. However, they did go through… which was an improvement.

Since he could not see her, he resorted to scrolling back through his phone and studying every photo or video they took together. His favorites were their trip to Paris. He looked at those pictures and videos more and longer than he should have, made all the more painful by the fact that he was on his way there before heading to London. He had hoped she would be beside him on this particular stop of his press tour, and had hoped she would get to experience Paris again with him.

But this time, the most romantic city in the world would merely feel like a cruel joke. When he examined her in those photos, each one resurfacing memories that he clung to like a buoy in the open ocean, they only made him fall deeper in love with her. It was as if he could see their love story play out in front of his eyes. And he always went back to Paris because it was such a clear turning point for them, the moment everything changed and they started to fall. The descent had been beautiful and he had savored every moment of it. He could see the love she held for him etched in her eyes, the longing that he had doubted was real back then. But now, it was all he could see… all he could focus on.

“Stare at your phone any harder and it might burst into flames,” Tessa joked as she sat down across from him.

Michael chuckled and tossed his phone down in the empty seat next to him, slumping back pitifully.

“My bad. Just…”

“Miss her?”

“Yea. Doubt she misses me though.” He mused, thinking back to their last two conversations, neither of which went well.

When he had made his choice, there had not been a world where he thought he would not be able to mend whatever it damaged between them. Conceited and cocky? He could own that now but his ego often was outsized. But now, he questioned whether there was a path forward for them at all? If he had done too much damage? Every night when he laid down for a precious few hours of sleep, her words tumbled and tossed in his brain matter. He had never heard her sound so… depleted as she was during their last phone call. He was trying, as much as he could from afar, but he did not know if it would ever be enough.

“Wouldn’t be so sure of that. I only met her once but that woman is just as in love with you as you are with her. Those feelings just don’t disappear because she’s upset. Give her -”

“Time. I know,” he muttered angrily. “Just don’t know if there’s enough time to fix how I fucked this up, Tess. She said she’s too tired to forgive me. And the crazy thing is, I can’t even be mad at that. If I had her life, I would be fuckin’ tired too. I just wish she would let me talk to her, you know? Explain or something.”

Tessa reached over and squeezed his hand. “I know but you’re doing what you can. Show her that you care about her and maybe that’ll soften her up enough for a conversation later.”

“And,” Alex interjected. “If it at all gets you out of this relentlessly annoying funk, Angelina texted and said she and Raven had a great meeting yesterday. So one thing’s working out.”

“See?” Tessa, forever an optimist, smiled widely. “Progress. Keep showing up for her.” Tessa leaned back and studied him for a moment, her eyes filled with introspection that made Michael sit up a bit straighter.

“What’s that look for?”

“No, just… I’ve known you for a decade and I just have never seen you like this before.”

“What? Acting like a bitch?” he grumbled, tossing Alex a side eye that she only rolled her own eyes yet.

“No. This serious… this mature… vulnerable. It’s a new side of you that I’ve never seen and the whole world sees it too. It’s really nice and refreshing.”

“Yea, well it’s all her.”

“Does she know that?”

But before he could ask her what she meant, Tessa’s agent called her over to discuss something, leaving Michael alone to ponder his own thoughts.

***

Almost two weeks went by and the document on Raven’s computer remained unchanged. She stared at the screen for hours a day, willing the prose of her novel to leap out of her brain and onto the page but nothing. She reread the words she wrote years ago and none of it even sounded good to her anymore but she did not know how to fix it. Her backspace button saw more love than any other key on her keyboard. Hour after hour marched on and she had nothing to give. Her characters did not even seem to live in her head anymore. When she tried to tap into their thoughts, their lives, and intentions… all she heard was silence from them and the loud roaring of her own problems. They were still there but it was as if they were miles and miles away with too many barriers for her to access them. And if she could not access them, she could not write an authentic story that a publisher would ever want or readers deserved.

Had she gotten a second chance only to realize there was no point? How could she turn a draft around in a quickly dwindling time frame when she had not written a single thing?

And she could not even blame her writer’s block on anyone. It was all her, her brain and insecurities reeking havoc on her ability to do something that had once been as second nature as breathing. And all her thoughts, of course, just charted a path back to him. Always.

She knew Michael arranging that meeting had been an olive branch, his attempt at fixing things between them. And while part of her was grateful, another part was frustrated that the only reason she was getting her shot back at being an author was because of his connections. Hell, she would still be trapped with her own publisher if it was not for him. Did she want her future success and career to be built on his support? Something about it felt… wrong. Like accepting it was forgiveness she was not ready to offer him yet.

She slammed her computer shut in frustration, an unanswered email from Angelina getting an update on her draft. It would just have to stay on read, Raven decided as she sulked in bed. This was her least favorite part of the day… when she gave up trying to force words to appear on the page and curled back into her spot in bed. That’s when all the negative thoughts caught up with her the most and she had no distractions to help her, tormenting and taunting her with how much she did not deserve him. Or anything good in her life.

Even with this new book deal, she was bound to ruin it at some point right? That was all she knew how to do. The sun was starting to set, dimming the light in her room. Sitting there, without her job, students or Michael to distract her, made it that much harder the fact that all roads led back to one central problem: her. And that was not something Michael could fix. Hell, she did not even know how to fix that. Was she even fixable? Or would she just continue to destroy everything in her life forever?

She was about to get up and force herself to watch tv as a distraction when her phone rang.

Kiara

Raven perhaps foolishly thought her sister would simply give up. She could not even count how many times she sent her calls to voicemail but that did not deter her. Kiara demanded that she be given her moment to revel and gloat. Despite wanting nothing to do with or hear a thing from Kiara, Raven knew she was merely kicking an inevitable can down the road. She was a dog with a bone and she would never stop until Raven gave her the attention she demanded.

Perhaps Raven really was a masochist because despite how low she was already feeling, she decided today was the day to stop punting her sister and just get the beating over with.

“Oh so you finally decide to answer my fucking calls? Weeks later?”

“We made it pretty clear where we stood at Thanksgiving. I just knew you wouldn’t stop calling so… say what you wanna say so we can all move on?” Raven could not keep the exasperation out of her voice. She did not need a big speech or lead up. Let’s just get right to the point.

“Not talking all that big shit now, huh? You know… I always knew you weren’t shit but prostitution? Findin’ new ways to embarrass dad and I every day, huh?”

“Yep, so what do you want me to say, Kiara?”

“Just wondering if you’re finally ready to admit what I’ve always known?”

Raven’s eyes clenched shut. “And what’s that?”

“That you were the biggest mistake mama ever made. All you’ve ever done is ruin my life from the minute you were born. Daddy is fuckin’ disgusted with you. You thought you could snag a big nigga like Michael but he just realized what I already knew. You don’t deserve shit, let alone him. Who knows, maybe I’ll give him a call. He’s havin’ his big movie premiere tonight, finally dumped his dead weight. Maybe we can see how he does with a real woman, not a fuckin’ slut.”

Raven’s head thudded against her headboard lightly as a few stray tears fell. She wiped them away and cleared her throat, forcing the words out of her throat. She was broken but she refused to break down in front of Kiara of all people.

“Fine. You’re right,” her voice filled with such sorrow and resignation that Raven almost did not recognize herself. “Satisfied?”

There was a pause as if Kiara was surprised at her response. But that’s what she had wanted, right? To hear Raven humble herself, admit that she was every horrible thing Kiara, her dad, and now the whole world thought she was.

“That’s what you wanted, right?” she repeated out loud. “That you’re right and I’m the villain and all your hate and vitriol toward me for my entire life is justified? Well, you’re right. You can’t hate me more than I hate myself and I deserve all of it. You are right. So congrats. You won. Oh and if you want Michael, you can have him. I’ll send you his number.” Raven did not even bother waiting for Kiara to speak before she hung up and threw her phone down.

Her head fell into her knees as sobs raked through her body, she did not even know her body could produce anymore tears. How had she not dried herself out? That last statement was an utter and complete falsehood. She did not want Michael anymore, or rather, she simply convinced herself she should not want him anymore. Her body still yearned for him like an addict searching for their next fix. But it would be a cold day in hell before she served him on a gilded platter to her sister of all people. And even though she hated him more than anyone in this world, she knew that was not his way.

But everything else? She meant every word. She hated herself and her life. And it was overwhelmingly excruciating to feel 30 years of hatred flood her brain all at once.

“Fuck! Enough of this,” she muttered. She could not sit there, lay around ruminating in her pain and suffering all night. Especially not when Kiara had just reminded her that Michael was having one of the biggest night’s of his career, a night she had once been so excited to experience by his side.

She needed to forget. Forget him, forget her pain… forget all of it.

She went into her closet and pulled out a bodysuit and jeans. She threw on makeup as quickly as she could, freshened up her hair and texted David that she wanted to go out. He was still sitting in his car outside watching her building, as he would until she went to sleep. But tonight, she did not plan on going to sleep anytime soon, she needed release.

And release is exactly what she would find as she made David drive around until she spotted a hole-in-the-wall bar downtown. It was old and grimy and the perfect escape. There were no lying millionaires to be found in a place like this, just regular men who would think nothing of fucking Raven in the bathroom or the back of their car or wherever her drunk mind encouraged them to go.

“Hey, welcome to the Griffin,” the bartender offered as Raven sat down at the bar. “What can I get you?”

“Hey… ummm can I just have tequila with pineapple juice? Double. And just keep ‘em coming.” She handed him her credit card to start what she knew would be a regrettably large tab in the morning. But she could not have hoped to care.

He merely nodded in agreement before quickly mixing her simple but effective poison of choice. She damn near drank it like a shot, throwing it back before signaling him to make her another. And with every disgusting bottom shelf sip of tequila she took, she felt it. Release.

***

“Congrats, baby. The movie was amazing,” Michael’s mother kissed him on the cheek.

“Thanks, ma.”

There was a certain sorrow in his voice that he found hard to hide now that he had returned home from his Creed 3 World Premiere. Two weeks of traveling non-stop and he was finally home. Only home simply reminded him of one person now. Raven. It was the biggest night of his career and he spent the entire night wishing she was by his side, musing on what she would think of specific scenes or the movie overall. Her opinion was the only one he found himself even caring about. The insane pace of his press tour had taken his mind off Raven to a degree. But being back in LA for a few weeks head of the world premiere and the Oscars pushed all those thoughts front and center again.

And it was clear to every person around him, which is why his cast and team did not press him when he declined attending the after party he was hosting and paid for.

“I know it’s hard without her, baby. But celebrate the moment, your moment. If she’s meant to be yours, she’ll come back around.”

His mother squeezed his hand before following his father up the stairs to their bedroom. Michael sighed and nodded. That’s what he kept telling himself this entire time but it was not working anymore. He just wanted to hear her voice, even if all she wanted to do was yell at him. He could take it, handle it. It was the silence that was harrowing, that felt too heart-wrenching to contend with.

This press tour had proven one thing to him - Raven had unlocked a side of him that he had never had before. This was his most open and genuine, most real moments he had offered the public. And people noticed, noticed that he was different, more serious, vulnerable, and open about himself, his work, and his craft. Raven had brought all that out in him. And he wanted her by his side to revel in it with him. He wanted people to know that it was her who caused that, who split him open and made him stop hiding.

His phone rang, Michael’s heart nearly stopping as David’s name slid across his screen. The man had never actively reached out to Michael since his first day guarding Raven. Though Michael paid for his services, he made it clear that he did not want reports unless they were threats to Raven’s safety, physical or otherwise. And so, he had taken David’s silence for what it was: a sign that Raven was safe. And that was all he could ask for. But the man reaching out to him foretold bad news, he knew that much.

“She alright??” Michael asked immediately, his feet already moving toward his keys to get in his car.

“Depends on your definition. We’re at a bar downtown and she’s… well, she’s been here for hours. It’s a dive bar so there aren’t many people here, no cameras. But she’s completely wasted. Like refusing to leave wasted. I told the bartender to cut her off after this drink bu-”

Michael loosened his bow tie and grabbed his keys. “Text me the address.”

“Already sent.”

Michael was not sure what to expect when he finally made it downtown and parked his car. He checked David’s text two or three times, shocked to believe a bar could exist in such a rundown building that did not look safe, much less occupying a functioning business. But David had sent the correct address, the faded, grungy and dilapidated sign of The Griffin hanging above the door.

Michael knew he looked out of place as he pushed his way inside, his body still donned in a perfectly tailored royal blue tuxedo. But thankfully, the bar was not crowded, just a few folks hanging around the bar and booths. But he only had eyes for one person like a moth to a flame, a young woman wildly dancing in the corner near the jukebox.

Despite the carefree smile on her face and swing in her hips, Michael could still see the dimmed spark in her eyes from across the dimly lit bar. He had not laid eyes on her in so long and just seeing her was like someone breathed new life into his body. The rough seas of his soul calmed, even just for a moment, before worry consumed him.

Was this normal for her since they broke up and stopped speaking? Getting completely drunk at dive bars? He could count on one had the number of times he had seen her tipsy, let alone drunk. But this was beyond anything he had ever witnessed with her but a scene he knew all too well with himself: someone trying to numb their pain with liquor and a good time. And it always worked, he knew, until the sun came up and the hangover set in and the pain rushed back tenfold. He chased that serene, weightless, painless feeling night after night for years. He had to learn the hard way that numbing the pain did not stop or heal it, it just made it hurt more later on when you finally confronted it. He refused to let someone as pure as Raven fall into the same trap he did.

He made his way across the bar, only stopping to speak to the bartender. “How many drinks she had?”

The bartender, a graying white man, glanced up from where he was wiping down the soiled bar. His eyes grew wide for a moment, clearly recognizing Michael, before he answered.

“Uhhh… I’m sure she lost track. The one in her hand is number 7. And her last. The guy with her told me to cut her off.”

Michael let out a low whistle and grimaced. There was not a world in which she didn’t feel that in the morning. He pulled out his credit card and slid it across the bar to the man. “Pay her tab with this for me, aight?”

“Yes sir. You’re my favorite villain in Marvel by the way…” he offered with an enthusiastic smile.

“‘Preciate you.” Michael walked over to where Raven was dancing and where David stood protectively by, the young woman still not even noticing him. More of the drink in her hand landed on the dirty floor of the bar than it did in her mouth when she tried to take another sip.

Michael rushed forward and skillfully slid it out of her grasp, Raven whipping around to find him behind her. Her smile immediately fell as she looked him up and down.

The drunk version of her wanted to be excited to see him but the sliver of her logical brain that remained reminded her that the only reason they were drinking was to forget him and the destruction he caused. How could she be so weak as to even care that he was there?

“W-what are you doing… here?” she slurred, her hand making a grab for her drink, which he held just out of her grasp.

“To take you home that’s what. You’ve had enough. Unless you wanna end up in the hospital with alcohol poisoning?”

She merely shrugged as she continued to dance. “Can’t be any worse. I’m having… a good time. Unlike him,” She turned to David and smiled. “He’s sooooooooo uptight. You know… h-he doesn’t even smile. Like ever? And has a lot of thoughts… on serial killers, w-which is strange. Come on, David.” She called over to him from his stance in the corner, which gave him a full view of the bar. “Dance with me,” she tried to walk over to him in her high heels but stumbled, Michael quickly grabbing her around her waist and pulling her against his chest. “I-I’m fine, I’m fine.”

“No you aren’t. Come on.”

“You… two are… no fun,” she moaned pitifully. However, she did not fight against Michael’s strong grasp as he led her out of the bar and to his ferrari.

It took him longer than it should have to just get her in the car. However, once she was settled, he went into the back and grabbed the spare gym bag he kept there and dumped all the clothes out before putting it in her lap like a makeshift bucket. Though he knew he could just take her to his condo, he wanted to care for her at his home, which was a longer drive. And as much as he adored her, getting the interior of his brand new and very expensive custom car cleaned when all that alcohol inevitably showed up in a different, less desirable form was not on his to-do list for tomorrow.

Raven’s wild and uninhibited drunk persona continued for most of the ride as she demanded he turn on some “tunes” for her to listen to, singing loudly and off-key to every song she pulled up on his Spotify. It would have been cute if the entire situation had not been so concerning.

By the time they reached his house 30 minutes later, the height of her drunkenness had worn off and her persona had settled into a decidedly somber one.

“You hold your liquor better than I thought you would,” Michael remarked as he helped her up the stairs to his master suite.

“Only… long enough not to throw up in your fancy car. Can’t m-make the same promise… for your carpet if you keep moving this slow.”

That did make Michael pick up his pace a bit, immediately taking Raven to his bathroom and gently sitting her down. He made quick work of taking off her shoes and pulling her hair back with the hair tie on her wrist just in time for her to bury her face in the toilet.

Michael rarely got sick from alcohol but he had never been more thankful for his high tolerance of liquor as he essentially watched her body perform an exorcism. He only left her once to get her water and make a cup of tea to settle her stomach but even in his giant house, he could hear the faint heaving as he made his way to the kitchen.

When he returned with her water and tea, Raven was sitting with her head propped up on his toilet seat, gingerly wiping a few tears from her eyes.

“I-I’m sorry…” she pushed out. “Having my ex have to take care of me is a… fucking new… low.”

Michael felt like she had sucker punched him with the word ex. He supposed that was what they were, no matter how much he did not want that to be true. But it did not hurt any less.

“Don’t apologize.” He wet a washcloth with warm water before wiping her face. “Better?”

“Yea… c-can’t imagine there’s anything left in my body,” she mumbled. She stared at him for a moment before saying. “You shouldn’t’ve come. I told him not to tell you where I went.”

“Tonight was the first time he called me. I only just got back to LA this week for press and the premiere. He was just worried about you. Don’t think he expected me to actually show up.”

She eyed him up and down, for the first time realizing he was in a pristine deep royal blue tuxedo. She could not stop the passing thought on how good he looked.

“How was it?” At his confused expression, she amended. “The movie… how was it?”

He scoffed, even in this state, she cared about how his movie went. She always spoke about how she did not deserve him but from where he sat, it was the other way around.

“Don’t really care to talk about the movie right now, Rae. Want to talk about you.”

“Well I don’t wanna talk about me o-or think about me. Hence all the alcohol my body just ejected. So how was the movie?”

He slid down onto the floor next to her, setting the pajama set he had pulled out for her next to him.

“It was good. I’d already seen it but seein’ it on a big screen, watchin’ my family see it. It was surreal.”

“A-and the press tour?”

“Good. Busy. Not done either. Alex secured an interview with Oprah, which is hella dope… bout the movie and Oscars. So it’s been good. Hard without the one person I needed though.”

She scoffed, finally feeling strong enough to stop using his toilet as a literal crutch. She forced herself to scoot away, now leaning her back into his standing tub across from him.

“Didn’t need me. No one does,” she muttered, taking a sip of the tea he sat out for her.

Ginger tea, perfectly made just as she liked it. God, why was he like this?? So perfect and attentive even when she wanted to hate him?

“That’s not true. Tell me what’s goin’ on, Rae? I… I’ve never seen you like this. Never seen you drink this much or talk like this.”

“Maybe you don’t know me that well…” she muttered as she played with the material of his rug beneath her.

“I think I know you pretty well and this ain’t you.”

“I… finally talked to my sister today. A-and she just voiced what I already knew but had never said out loud. All I do is ruin things… people. Hell, I’m about to ruin this book deal you got it… I can’t even write anymore. Destruction follows me like a damn fire everywhere I go, burning everything I touch. I just… didn’t want to be me for a while? Didn’t want to be weighed down by that.”

“You didn’t ruin me.”

“If you had never met me, your face wouldn’t have been plastered across TMZ for carrying an unconscious woman out of a hotel…. If you’d never met me, you’d be blissfully enjoying your moment right now instead of taking care of a pathetic girl you dumped.” She paused, her fingers twirling around the fraying threads of the hole in her distressed jeans. “If I hadn’t been born, my family would be whole a-and happy. If I had just said yes to that asshole, I’d still have my career and I wouldn’t have resorted to prostitution. I-If I hadn’t decided to make a quick buck, I wouldn’t have disappointed my students a-and everyone I know. A-and it was easy to blame you when e-everything happened,” she whispered as tears streamed down her face, as the drunk facade gave way to the brokenness and pain she tried to numb. “It was easy to act as if this w-was all your fault. But it’s me. I’m the problem.”

“Rae…”

She raised her hand to stop him. “Don’t pretend it’s not true… this is all my fault.” He watched as she held the soft cotton in her hands, her fingers rolling over it. A tear fell from her eyes, splashing onto the heather gray material. She lifted her eyes, her first time looking him in his eyes. “W-was any of it real? W-what we had?”

“All of it was real. Every bit of it. I love you with everything in me, Rae. I hate that you don’t believe that, that I made you doubt it. But it’s true. You can’t ruin me when you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“A-and Tasha? D-do you love her?”

Michael’s eyes grew wide. “Fuck no. I swear. I… messed up. Completely fucked up. I… thought I was helping you by dealing with it on my own and I let my anger at Tasha and fear of hurting you push me to do just that. I hurt you. And I’ll do anything to mend what I broke.Because you’re my world, Raven. You have to believe that. What can I do to make you believe that?”

Michael watched as her shoulders shrugged forward, collapsing under the weight of the day and everything. She pulled her knees into her chest, resting her head on her knees. “I d-don’t know if I can believe anything anymore.

“Then I’ll spend the rest of your life and mine helping you believe it. Whatever it takes.”

Raven stood up, ignoring the dizziness the sudden movement caused as she made a beeline for his bedroom door. She thought she could do this but she couldn’t. She couldn’t be here with him, listening to his promises. Not when the voices in her head loudly clashed against his words like metal against metal. Most of her brain that still loved him with everything in her screamed at her for pulling him away from one of the biggest nights of his career, chastising her for ruining yet another thing for him. And the louder part that demanded she despise him yelled that all of his promises were a lie, nothing he said was real. They weren’t real.

She did not deserve him and he was just propping her back up so he could knock her down again, he would never keep those lofty promises. That’s what everyone in her life did and she was too bruised to be anyone’s punching bag anymore. He was just a fantasy she tried to will to life but was never real.

She grabbed her clutch and phone that Michael had discarded on her bed. She did not care how her body swayed slightly and was still off kilter. She could stay awake long enough to call an uber and get herself home.

“What are you doing??”

“Going home. I c-can’t do this. You shouldn’t have come tonight. You s-should be out celebrating your big night, not here taking care of me.”

“The fuck? Raven, put the phone down. I ain’t lettin’ you Uber home like this.”

“You don’t care!”

“Stop sayin’ that shit!” he rushed forward and ripped her phone out of her hands, closing the Uber app. He knew it was wrong but he also knew her movements and reactions were too slow for her to stop him.

She tried to snag it from him, the actor easily holding it above their heads and utterly out of her reach.

“Stop wasting your time on me, Michael,” she hurled at him, her eyes clenching shut in her exasperation. “G-Go be with Tasha o-or some model or some woman actually worth your time. A woman you actually want. We both know that’s not me. So let me go, please. T-this… the promises, t-the disappointment, it hurts too much.”

“Be mad at me. Push me away all you want. Fine, I deserve it. But do it because I fucked up. Because I lied and kept the truth from you and tried to protect you and disappointed you just like everyone else. I can learn to live with that one day. But I can’t and won’t live with you doing it because you still believe you don’t deserve me! Because that’s not true.”

“Why w-would I believe you deserve me??! What future could we… ever have together when the world knows you a-and however many men they believe paid me for sex?? What kinda future is that for us?? People a-are calling you the greatest actor of a fuckin’ generation. You’re about to interview with fuckin’ Oprah literally this week! And what am I? A prostitute with no family and 3 failed careers under her belt?? A failed author who can’t even write a sentence now, much less another book. What kinda future would we have when you didn’t even think I w-was strong enough to tell me your secrets, your problems?? This whole situation, YOUR actions, proves that WE WEREN’T REAL!” she exploded, her drunkenness fueling the first time she voiced her true feelings out loud to anyone. “None of it was real. And the moment it got real, the moment shit got hard, you didn’t confide in me, you didn’t trust me, you threw me to the wolves because you knew what the rest of the world knows… I don’t deserve to be here i-in this part of your life! Th-This house… y-your family… your real life?? I don’t fit here anymore, Michael! I n-never did.” She took a deep shuddering breath before continuing.

“So I’m asking you… begging you to just… let me go. L-Let me go back to my…” she chuckled. “Insignificant life as Pluto o-or the side character. Please. B-Because I can pick myself b-back up a-and force myself to keep moving, force myself to keep going a-and b-be alone for the rest of my life a-and live in the shadows. But I can’t do that with fake promises, promises of m-more when it isn’t real… because w-words a-and promises a-aren’t real a-and they aren’t enough a-anymore. I can’t k-keep putting my faith in fantasies only for reality to knock me down again. Because I d-don’t think I can get back up again. I-I’m tired, Michael. This is it, this is all I have left. So please… just let me go.”

Michael slightly stumbled back in shock, the raw hurt in her voice almost too agonizing to feel. His arm came down but his grip on her phone was almost crushing. Though he wanted to respect her wishes, he also knew… there was not a world in which he could let her go truly. He loved her too much. His world rose and set with her. He used his knuckles to wipe his own tears away.

“Raven… please. J-just give me a chance to show you that I’m real, that what I feel for you is real. Because I would give up all this shit, every last bit of it for you. I’m at the height of my career and all I can think about is you. All that matters is you.”

She shook her head and held out her hand for her phone. “I wish… I wish I c-could believe you. But I don’t know if I can.”

With that, Michael’s grip loosened just enough for Raven to grab her phone and purse and start to walk out the door. However, as she pulled open the door, Michael’s hand grabbed the frame to stop her.

“I can keep working to fix what I did. I can show you that you’re my world, that you’re my Sun and that my world revolves around the very look on your face. I will happily show up at your doorstep everyday with actions and proof of how much I love you… how much I fucking breath for you. And I will. But I can’t make you believe it. I can’t make you believe you deserve it. That’s the one thing I can’t do here. I-I’ll never let you go, Rae. My heart will always be yours.” He bowed his head, every word felt like a sharp knife leaving his throat, agony to force out. But he knew it had to be said. “But I c-can’t force you to believe that you own my heart and deserve it or that you’re worth everything to me. I can do everything in my power to show you I’m worth one more fall but you have to jump. So if and when you believe what I know is true about you and us, I’m ready to jump again.”

And with that, he let her go, allowing her to open the door fully and leave. Every step she took further away from him caused the sorrow he felt to grow to unspeakable heights. At one time, he thought this pain could not have gotten worse. But this was far worse.

Tag List: @readinghere2023 @blackerthings @prettyisasprettydoes1306 @physicxal @purplehairgawdess @miyuhpapayuh @rueruesclues @geemamii @certifiedlesbianbaddie @pipsqueak-98 @nyifly22 @destinio1 @twocentaur @gopaperless @musicisme333 @roguekiki @majesticbrownjawn @taurusqueen83 @mysteryuz @miamormilan @itsknor-thedeep @naj-ay444 @mads-grace4 @nayaesworld @kholdkill @msniaimani @nccu-rnc @apenasumlug4r @dezzy154

***

A/N:

I promise yall… it’s gonna get better LOL This is really the worst it gets! Our girl is just feeling the weight of it all and is sad but she is a survivor 💪🏾

Y’all were hard on my girl last chapter - how are we feeling?? Still mad at her? Still mad at Michael? Let me know your thoughts in the comments! *disappears* lol also it was really hard to post this from my phone 😭 won’t do that again hahaha



#black writers #michael b jordan #michael b jordan x oc #mbjordanedit #black panther #michael b jordan x reader #michael b jordan fanfic #creed 3 #adonis creed #creed iii #fic: wicked fantasies

[sluttywonwoo]

kaili, happy 12k!!! i love your work so much! you deserve this. thank you for deciding to make this blog, honestly🍬

could i request the prompt “i’m not jealous” and/or “i'll take care of you” with hyunjae? thanks <3

jaehyun’s been watching you talk to eric for almost an hour now, quietly seething in the corner as he ignores whatever juyeon’s going on about. at least jacob is listening to poor juyeon. jaehyun hears his voice chime in every once and a while, which makes him feel a little less bad about zoning out.

jaehyun knows all about you and eric. he wishes he didn’t. he wishes he wasn’t the one you vented to in the midst of your… situationship with the younger boy. at the time, he had been so eager to hear everything. he loved hearing you complain about him, loved telling you that you could do better, loved being the better that you did.

it was less toxic than it sounds, he thinks.

either way, he was there to pick up the pieces when eric finally broke things off after stringing you along for who knows how many months.

you and jaehyun aren’t official (yet) but you treat each other like you are. you’ve agreed not to sleep with anyone else for the time being, so jaehyun doesn’t know why it irks him so much to see you talking with an old flame. talking to the guy doesn’t mean you’re going to fuck him. even if eric is newly single. and looking at you like he wants to devour you. fuck.

jaehyun abandons juyeon and jacob without a word and walks right up to you, placing a hand on the small of your back to alert you of his presence.

“ready to go?” he asks, trying to sound as casual as possible.

you look surprised to see him, even more surprised that he’s touching you in public since no one knows about the two of you.

there was some overlap with the two men towards the end of your thing with eric but as far as jaehyun knew, eric was never clued in to that.

“now?” you ask, to eric’s clear bewilderment. was it so hard to believe you’d be going home with jaehyun?

“yeah, we’ve got to get up early for that thing,” he adds.

there was no ‘thing’ in the morning, jaehyun just wanted eric to know you would be waking up in the same bed. he also needed an excuse to get you the hell out of here.

“right…” you say, leaning into jaehyun’s side. “we’d better get going.”

-

you’re all over each other the moment you get to his place. you barely make it to the bed before he’s inside of you, not even bothering to fully undress you. the skirt of your dress is simply bunched up around your waist and your panties are pulled aside, likely ruined.

“feel good?” jaehyun asks, grunting as he fucks into you.

“god yes,” you cry. “you fuck me so hard when you’re jealous.”

he slows down at that, processing your words. “i’m not jealous.”

you stare at him with an unmoved expression, chest heaving as you catch your breath. “and i’m not full of your cock right now. we’re both liars.”

“you really think i’m jealous?”

“i know you are.”

jaehyun scoffs. “why would i be jealous of that asshole?”

“because you don’t like the thought of other people fucking me and you know he has.”

you kind of have a point but that isn’t the only reason… though jaehyun hopes you don’t know the other reasons.

“so what if i am a little jealous?” he challenges. “i’m the one fucking you right now, aren’t i?” your eyes roll to the back of your head as he drives his cock deeper inside of you. “and i can make you feel so. much. better than he can, yeah? that’s why you’re already fighting off an orgasm… right? i can tell from the way your thighs are trembling. it’s okay baby, you can cum for me. show me how good i make you feel, cum all over me.”

12k celebration

#answered #anon #sluttywonwoo’s 12k #the boyz smut #tbz smut #hyunjae smut #lee hyunjae smut #lee jaehyun smut

[azquine]

Can I get something on the JoanFK tag that ISN'T just complaining? It is ok to be feeling shit that things went badly in the show, but do you have to tag that negativity on the ship? The negativity is all that there is to see whenever I try to interact with the show and it's making me feel horrible.

I've been in far worse fandoms, and they didn't make me feel this bad.

It all feels so puritanical, like you have forgotten what a teen drama parody entails. Did you forget that they were ALL assholes in the first season who backstabbed and did shitty things to eachother for their own selfish gain? You are applying pretty strict rules of morality onto characters who intrinsically must break those rules to allow the narratives of their genre to move.

This was a short kiss, the result of feelings that JFK and Harriet had actively been trying to avoid for the sake of Joan. This could have been resolved by open communication, but that's not how either drama shows OR stupid hormonal teens work. After making this mistake, they did the most responsible and moral thing they could have and confessed it literally within the same episode as soon as Joan would not, you know, DIE as a result.

All things considered, it wasn't a secret relationship, it wasn't sex, it wasn't a long term secret held until it accidentally spills out and ruins everything. It could have been SO much worse, it was none of my worst fears, and I'm honestly relieved a kiss was where it stopped. And I am also really glad they confessed to quickly because I HATE liar revealed plots more than ANYTHING and I probably would have stopped watching. If they were going to do this plotline it was the best case scenario for me.

And do you know what is even better? What should be the bare minimum but is actually pretty rare in dramas from my experience? Neither of them tried to mitigate Joan's reaction, to say she was overreacting or to dance around the issue to make it sound better beyond a truthful 'we felt nothing'. Joan was allowed the space to fully process the information and her emotions, even if through a montage. And damn I wish I saw that more often.

As for those saying JFK would need a redemption for what he has done- does being open and honest about his wrongdoings not do that pretty succinctly? Beyond having not done it at all what else do you want? Pretty puritanical to want him to suffer before he can be forgiven.

And granted, Harriet got plenty of unjustified hate before she had even done anything, but post-kiss most of the discussion and anger I have seen has been directed solely at JFK. Harriet was part of that kiss too, knowingly going against her friend. Why is the romantic relationship deemed worse to betray? Both of them did a stupid thing together, and fixed it together.

And I'm not saying Joan putting all the consequence on Abe is justified, he didn't do shit wrong either, he tried to keep his friend alive in a tricky situation.

All of your feelings are valid, and I do see why the dominant opinion is what it is. Cheating is an awful thing to do and you should not be with someone you do not trust, I cannot refute that.

Yet at the same time, I felt it was important to put forward some differing points that I had been having. This show will not be enjoyable if we hold a position of being negative and moralistic. To some extent there has to be an acceptance that this is a fiction and moral failings are often part of a narrative structure.

(And while many of you have legitimate critiques on the execution of the show, it feels like some of you are taking the 'thing done badly because I don't like it' route)

I really hope nobody takes this as me trying to enforce cheating or to say that JFK and Harriet kissing was ok. It was shitty of them to do in the first place, but they are not morally irredeemable. Teen do stupid bad thing is not new. I'm also not interested in having an argument over this, I get caught up far too easily in that so I won't be answering any replies or asks. It is fine if you disagree, I'm here to propose a counterpoint.

Sorry if this was repetitive or lengthy. It just felt like I had to get it out there despite it being the early hours of the morning.

#clone high #joanfk #clone high jfk #clone high joan #rant #ramble

[minyoongianne]

Your Valentine’s

Ike stared at the unread message on his phone. It’s been a few concerning hours since he had asked if you were free today and yet the message still remained unread even though you were online on your social media account.

He sighed in frustration, his thoughts going a little awry. Maybe the message was too awkward? Had he done something wrong? Maybe you were asleep? Maybe you were just really busy today? Come to think of it, today was Valentine’s Day, he had been so caught up in his work lately he forgot to keep track of the date, so maybe you were out spending the day with someone?

… someone who wasn’t him then?

Upon realizing the unexpected thought that followed his concerned train of thought, his eyes widened. Sighing once more, Ike proceeded to bury his head in his hands, seemingly forgetting the work at hand because his mind was having much trouble focusing today.

That would be possible, wouldn’t it? After all, you two were friends. Just friends. He still hadn’t worked up the courage to ask you out, it was always just friendly dates and shopping. Whenever he felt like he was finally ready, somehow, just simply seeing you would make his heart flutter and words would get stuck in his throat.

You were just so… bright

Even as a novelist, no amount of fancy words can amount how he thinks about you, how he cherishes you. No amount of phrases from romantic poets and writers could ever equal to what he was trying to communicate. He was simply, absolutely and utterly in love with you.

… and he really hoped you felt the same way as well.

A knock resounded from the front door that pulled him out of his world. He got up and was met with a surprise from you who was holding a small basket full of sweets and chocolates, though you were obviously panting from running from your house to his apartment. You were still in your house clothes, still with an apron on smudged with chocolate streaks here and there.

“Happy Valentine’s Day!” You grinned, extending the basket to his arms. Your warm smile that he had come to love so much was on full display for him as you excitedly hold the basket gift out.

He was speechless to be honest that you started to pout

“…Did you not like it?” You asked and he immediately grabbed the basket from your awaiting hands

“N-No! I’m sorry, I just wasn’t expecting it that’s all!” He reasoned

You seem to light up at his statement

“Right?! You were calling me as I was panicking finishing the other sweets, I had to hold myself back from texting you today ‘cause you’re too smart for your own good”

“… Too smart?” Ike was confused

“If I had told you some lie to refuse your invitation, not only would it make me feel bad for lying, it would also ruin everything because you always tell me I’m a bad liar… which I am”

The sweets sparkled like jewels in his hands, everything looked like so much thought was placed into it that it made Ike almost not want to eat it. Seeing the sparkle in his eyes, you laughed in adoration. He really was just too cute and sincere.

“I’m glad you seem to like it”

“I love it actually”

You pointed at the variation of sweets in his hands

“Everything aside from the plastic packaging is handmade by me, had to learn how to do everything from scratch”

Ike’s eyes widened. He knows you barely cook, which is why he sometimes takes the liberty of cooking twice for him and taking some of the portions for you. However, today… you made sweets from scratch? For him?

“I had to prep 1 week early because I needed to learn it. I had to do research on it as well, I’m really glad it turned out well” Clasping your hands together in excitement, it was only then that Ike had noticed 3 band aids on your fingers

“Your hand..!” He said with worry

“It’s just a burn, don’t worry” You said, immediately waving off his concern “You’re a dear person to me, I wanted to at least go all out with what I can do”

“I’m… that dear to you?” Ike couldn’t hold the blush that was spreading on his cheeks

“Of course, I thought—” You paused in mid-sentence, the words you had just said registering directly in your brain, and a full-fledged blush erupted when you looked at Ike to see how he reacted to what you had just said.

“I mean—what I meant was— oh would you look at that! I feel like I left the oven open at home! I’ll see you whenever, Happy Valentine’s Day!”

You bolted out before he could even stop you. Ike stared at the basket full of sweets and chuckled. Maybe he’ll cook you dinner as thank you… and as another excuse to see you and bond with you

… He didn’t expect your kitchen to be such a mess though when he showed up unannounced later that evening carrying the dinner he cooked for both him and you. (ended up helping you clean before eating cuz he’s sweet like that)

#ike eveland #ike eveland x reader #luxiem

[a-120]

Took a break bc I had a short lived panic attack and calmed myself down so it wouldn't worsen but I'm back with a message for Ivorii

THIS IS REALLY LONG

Leave me the fuck alone. I don't understand why targeting me and thinking you can just apologise is something you can do. I'm literally scared of you after you targeted me. Just so you know, I BARELY GET SCARED OF PEOPLE!!!

And the fact that you are the reason that I'm hurting myself is a fact that I REALLY need you to know. You KNOW I was suicidal at one point, YOU KNOW YOU MOTHERFUCKER.

Getting that message was why I had a panic attack. AND I WILL FUCKING LEAK IT. HERE YOU GO

Tldr is at the bottom

Ivorii:

Okay, look. I fucked up, I know I did. I lied, and I was, so wrong for it. But, about my heart problems, they are hereditary, but my heart problems are not like yours, I didn't have to get cut open. It wasn't an open heart surgery like yours, it was originally going to be put in from my wrist/groin area, but it was changed to my esophagus area due to it being more "uphill". I know I caused you hell and that I probably scared the living shit out of you.

It wasn't right of me, at all. I feel bad about it everyday. I shouldn't have lied either, and I don't wish harm against anyone. I never did and I never will. I was a bad influence and a bad person, but I'm working to change. I know messing with any of you guys was the worst thing I could've done, and I feel so bad about it! If I had a second chance to go back and undo it, I would. I promise that I'm not a bad person, or a liar. I just didn't to get the attention I wanted, and I very immature when did it. I have remorse for everyone I hurt, and this isn't the first time I hurt someone(s) like this. But I have bigger apology to give out to you guys [Kris, Izzy, Candied] because you guys are minors, and you look up to those older than you, and I was the complete opposite. I probably know you won't see this and that you'll never trust me again, and it's understandable. I wouldn't trust myself either, but I'm working on being better, and trying to change. It's lonely without you guys, and I hate it. I hate every moment of it, and I hate that I did what I did. I hate not being there when you guys joke, or to celebrate holidays. I really want a second chance, only if you'll allow it. I'm so sorry for making you hurt, I'm really am a better person than this, I swear! I can try again, only if you'll let me. I acknowledge my wrong-doing, like an adult. I'm turning 20 this year and I'm acting like it. Just please don't tell Warden or the others that I'm here! I'm still very scared of them, and when I'm ready, I'll talk to them, but I just needed you to know.

I'm not a person, and I'll never make a foolish mistake like this again. Also, to clarify about my heart problems, but also apologize while I'm at it. I hurt you, and I never want you to feel a pain like that again. Just know I regret everything. I swear. You don't have to respond, I just needed to get that off of my shoulders, and hopefully off of yours too.

My response:

You targeted a minor, someone who just got tumblr a few months ago, and pretended to be someone else. I wanted to stay as far away from this stituation as far I possibly could but you pulled me into it. I'm actually fucking terrified of you now. You broke everyone's trust and ruined your reputation. You have caused me to hurt myself because I wanted a distraction from this and wanted to deal with a different type of pain. Targeting minors because you'd think they are more naive or whatever the fuck went through your rotting brain is downright wrong and its manipulation. Leave tumblr and never come back. Fuck you.

--------------

Taking it apart to respond better:

Okay, look. I fucked up, I know I did. I lied, and I was, so wrong for it.

You're damn right. You fucked up big time, and everybody knows that.

I know I caused you hell and that I probably scared the living shit out of you.

Yes, you really did. You scared me so bad I'm properly scared of you as a person.

It wasn't right of me, at all. I feel bad about it everyday. I shouldn't have lied either, and I don't wish harm against anyone.

Then why did you do this? Oh, right, ATTENTION.

I know messing with any of you guys was the worst thing I could've done, and I feel so bad about it!

Think before you act, fucker.

I promise that I'm not a bad person, or a liar. I just didn't to get the attention I wanted, and I very immature when did it.

Hard to believe you're turning 20.

But I have bigger apology to give out to you guys [Kris, Izzy, Candied] because you guys are minors, and you look up to those older than you, and I was the complete opposite.

You targeted minors. Think about that and get it through your thick ass skull.

I probably know you won't see this and that you'll never trust me again, and it's understandable. I wouldn't trust myself either, but I'm working on being better, and trying to change. It's lonely without you guys, and I hate it.

Yeah, I don't trust you at all anymore. Nobody does. And you're gonna have to deal with being lonely because of that.

I really want a second chance, only if you'll allow it. I'm so sorry for making you hurt, I'm really am a better person than this, I swear! I can try again, only if you'll let me. I acknowledge my wrong-doing, like an adult. I'm turning 20 this year and I'm acting like it.

Who is gonna give you a second chance? Are you really a better person? You act like a fucking 6 year old with your shitty lies and the fact that you constantly return and try to reconnect when we clearly don't want you around.

Just please don't tell Warden or the others that I'm here! I'm still very scared of them, and when I'm ready, I'll talk to them, but I just needed you to know.

WHAT THE FUCK?! DONT TELL THE PEOPLE WHO I ACTUALLY TRUST AND ARE ABLE TO HANDLE THIS BETTER THAN ME??? YOU SHOULD BE SCARED OF THEM BECAUSE EVERY TIME YOU RETURN THEY KNOW OR I WILL TELL THEM BECAUSE NOBODY, AND I REPEAT, NOBODY, WANTS YOU HERE YOU SICK FUCK!

I'm not a person, and I'll never make a foolish mistake like this again. Also, to clarify about my heart problems, but also apologize while I'm at it. I hurt you, and I never want you to feel a pain like that again. Just know I regret everything. I swear. You don't have to respond, I just needed to get that off of my shoulders, and hopefully off of yours too.

"I'm not a person" this typo is fucking hilarious. You didn't clarify anything about your heart problems in this last paragraph. You hurt everyone. This made the weight on my shoulders worse.

Sorry, the tldr was still really long ;-;

#tw//ivory ment

[kerubimcrepin]

Liveblog 6: analsysising harder

I am having a finals' nightmare week in university, but finally found the time to sit down and relax, so here's to episode 3.

He's so supportive. For all his faults as a father, (like the fact that Joris might not be able to read yet in here, despite seemingly being pretty ready to be taught how to, as was pointed out to me by @dullard during our separate rewatch from this rewatch) the fact that Joris can sell things at the market all by himself at 7yo and knows what a commission is, is actually really cool. Good job, Keke! This once, I will not kill you with hammers.

Do start teaching your son to read/write soon. Please. Please.

ANALYSIS EVENT LEVEL 10 ALARM WEE WOO WEE WOO. CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS.

Joris is seven years old. Kerubim was, by his own words, "barely older than him," during his confirmation ceremony at the Orphan Temple. Can we actually ask what Kerubim Crepin was doing, at seven years old, in the orphan temple??

As we know from Dofus Heroes Kerubim comic, he was busy being an orphan, plotting to resurrect his parents, (either adoptive, or step-father and biological-mother. It doesn't really matter !) and being sad, to the point that, as an adult, even while amnesiac, he empathizes greatly with a stray kitten.

Having dreams of not wanting to be lonely, projecting his loneliness onto stray animals... It's the reason why he's afraid of showing people that he's weak and driving them away, and what makes him a compulsive liar, as I've pointed out in the last post. He can't bear being alone.

No wonder, then, that despite being old, and having a decrepit house, he didn't try to find Joris a better home. It would be a betrayal of his own ideals of protecting children from what he went through. It would mean that someone so similar to him would, too, be all alone. And, a bit more selfishly, he does need someone by his side.

I would point out, that Atcham was in the temple, implied to be mistreated, that they are both full brothers who grew up in the same family, and that him and Kerubim didn't have the best relationship even as kids, — with Bashi also disliking Atcham heavily, for unstated reasons, — and how it all might tie into Kerubim also adoptng Joris out of guilt, because he feels like he might end up like Atcham, but I don't have ten hours.

And also bc Atcham doesn't appear often, and I am mostly delusional about this.

Kerubim avoids mentioning Atcham or any of his adventures in Brakmar, so... man just give us anything to work with.

Despite Keke playing it off now, he really didn't have an easy childhood.

For all the times I say he's a bad dad, or that I want to beat him up, it is all in jest. I think he's a very tragic character who was just... never really given a chance to develop a healthy way of interacting with the world.

And for what it's worth, he grew up to be as decent of a person he could have, and did the best he could, at becoming a family with Joris and raising him, as flawed and uneven as it is.

He really just wants this kid to have a good childhood, or an approximation of one, with no violence, loneliness, or fear he went through — and it's all going to be ruined in the movie, isn't it?

It won't stop me from joking about beating him up in the future of this blog, but I wanted to make my stance clear. No non-joking slander of Kerubim in this household. Ever.

I think he was scared shitless of having a deadly quest here, but HAD to pretend he wasn't, for the public. He looks happier now than seconds ago in the queue line, lol.

Low self-esteem can result in seeking attention through being loud and obnoxious, as well as a fear of embarrassment, so, it checks out. Lying is a likely thing for Kerubim to do, and I love and respect him for it.

His immediate reaction to being embarrassed by getting a clothespin, and made fun of, as audience laughs? Double down, baby! Though, his angry facade doesn't last until the end of the line. He's just... looking sadly to the side.

By the way, considering he's only a bit older than seven, the "I've been training for years" is a bit haunting.

Do you know who DOES deserve to get beaten with hammers for real, non-ironically? The god Ecaflip. Can I get an amen?

No wonder, Kerubim coddled Joris and wanted his life to be better! His life sucked!

Of all the things not to lie about, he seemed not to lie about being trained. Doesn't stop him from being beaten up, though...

We have to beat God Ecaflip with hammers. There is no other way.

For all his cockiness, he's so stressed out. His facade is so, so ruined, the second he realizes his plan is not working.

Really, this whole scene puts their relationship together the best. He's a God, holding Kerubim, a 7-9yo orphan, on a tiny string.

His whole life, Ecaflip just belittles him over some random bullshit, makes him hate his brother for being bald, and then gives him a gambling addiction before putting him into a mental asylum to treat it. All of that because he loves him that much.

We have to kill him. There is no other way. I may be a wakfu season 3 hater, but Oropo was right.

Yay, trauma bonding, in its correct definition!

If my whole family died, and a god cared so much about me, he made me the protagonist of various sad cringe stories of overcoming personal adversities mostly caused BY him, I too, would develop some sort of complex to cope. So I get it.

But I feel like, even if Kerubim will never voice it out loud, considering what repercussions may follow, deep down he knows that Ecaflip himself is one of the reasons for his loneliness, and that most of all, he's scared of him.

#ro liveblogs dofus #dofus #wakfu #kerubim crepin #ep3

[nunalyan]

It's just a bad moment.

@minzart twst Oc - Will.

My own twst oc - Lyan.

Just a silly scenario bc I'm gay and sad and I love minzi with all my heart.

The two characters use all pronouns, I mixed it because YES-

- - -

A soft cry can be heard inside one of the rooms of the Ramshackle Dorm, a tired and continuous cry, almost like a newborn baby.

"I... I can't... This is hard... This hurts me so much... My heart hurts..."

"Shhh... I know, I understand it very well..."

Inside the room, the two magicless humans are sitting on the ruined floor, hugging each other in a warm embrace, trying to rid themselves of some unknown pain inside their own hearts. Will was trying their best to bring their friend some comfort, but Lyan looks so hurt and sick of everything that it makes him wonder if their affection was actually helping somehow.

"Why is this happening to us...? Why...? I miss my dad, I miss him so much... The people here aren't bad, but I am exhausted of battles and screams and those damn magical things!"

"Lyan... There's no other one who understands you better than me about this topic, I swear. I know what you're feeling, I understand your pain... But hey, we need to do our best..."

"We need to do our best?! We almost die everyday! YOU almost die everyday! Look at your scars Will! Look at my face! I... I am so scared of lose you too..."

At that moment, not even Will can stop herself from letting the tears roll down her face, tightening the hug even more. They stroke Lyan's hair, but this makes the poor student cry more. The two hide their faces on each other's neck, leaving the area slightly wet with tears of sadness and despair.

"I would never leave you, ever. Those things are nothing compared to what I experienced before. I would be happy to have thousands of scars if it meant that I would continue living with you and the others here... Besides, I need you here too..."

"Me? A useless piece of shit who can't even help when my friend is having an overblot? Oh sure, everyone needs me, of course."

"I already told you to not talk like that. Lyan, you can't see it but we can. You're such a wonderful person, you try to help us even when everything goes wrong! You help me just with your presence! Do you even know how broke I am inside? It hurts me too, but at least I have you! You're the same as me, you need and DESERVE love and care, and... And you make me feel at home, Lyan..."

The tears are getting strong on both sides, the grip getting tighter and tighter as the warm embrace almost hurts them. This is a difficult situation, not only for Lyan or Will, but for the two of them. Lyan softens the grip more, and comes face to face with his friend.

"My eye hurts, Will... I am tired, sick of it... My presence is nothing wonderful to have. I do everything wrong, I can't even help you when you need it. I am just wasting your time..."

"Liar. Don't you see, Lyan? You're helping me now. You're here with me! And that's what makes me feel better! And YES you help me with the overblots, but fuck them! You help me even when you're silent by my side, you help me when you stroke my hair with your soft hand, you help me when you make stupid jokes and puns about anything! Or when you listen to me speaking about some hyperfixation I've had for more than two hours! Believe me, 90% of people stop listen to me when I talk about Final Fantasy or Kingdom Hearts, BUT YOU'RE THE LOVELY AND ADORABLE IDIOT WHO LISTENS AND EVEN ASKS QUESTIONS! AND GIRL TRUST ME, THIS EYEPATCH MAKES YOU FINE AS HELL OKAY?!"

For a brief moment, Lyan feels his own face heat up a little before laughing at Will's comment. They slowly stop their desperate crying, resting their heads on each other's shoulders, sobbing a little. The silence start to fill the space between them, but it's comfortable, it's warm, like the hug of a mother.

"... Thank you..."

"No need to thank me, it's just the truth."

"No, about... Everything, Will. I'm glad to have you by my side. I also... Feel at home with you. And your scars makes you look fine as hell too."

The laugh that comes out from them is sincere, both the idiots blushing more at their own words. Will stands up, offering his hand to Lyan, who grabs it quickly and stand up too. They quietly walk together, holding hands, with a calm and soft smile after so much painful tears.

"Ice cream?"

"... Ice cream."

"Oh, and... Please, don't talk like that about yourself. That's my best friend you're talking about."

#Twst oc #twst will #will yuu #twst lyan #Lyan yuu #friend's oc #Original characters #twisted wonderland oc #There are probably English errors but I don't care :) #Nuna's writing

[unknownarmageddon]

Geddon you can’t say that and not share the playlist /lh

Oh god you’ve opened the flood gates with this one /j/j

OKAY so! Before I get really into this I was stress that these are songs I image Cross LISTENS to. These aren’t supposed to be representative of his character or anything like that. I just think he’d like these songs and also some just have his vibe and that’s it. So it’s not that strict or anything. But! anyway

In no particular order whatsoever here is my Cross playlist (with links and also some commentary because I am ill)

The good ones are at the end I apologize lmao

Achilles Come Down - Gang Of Youths

Can’t explain it but it just radiates something he’d listen to. Especially if he’s having a Day

All 4 Nothing (I’m So In Love) - Lauv

After Dark - Mr. Kitty

Animals - Maroon 4 (Living in Fiction cover)

Arcade - Duncan Laurence

Mentioning this now but I definitely see him listening to slower, more heavy music most of the time. Like I feel like he’d listen to music to Feel something usually, while Killer would listen to music to forget feeling things y’know

Arms Tonite - Mother Mother

I’ve ALWAYS seen him listening to mother mother religiously and I really need to add more of their songs to this playlist

Baby Annihilation - Fall Out Boy

He’d listen to it and it’d strike something in him (he just like me fr)

Bad Liar - Imagine Dragons

Idk I feel like he’d listen to imagine dragons

bedroom community - glass beach

Before You Go - Lewis Capaldi

Beggin’ - Måneskin

Also definitely see him liking maneskin

Believer - Imagine Dragons

Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen

Bones - Imagine Dragons

Boy Bi - Mad Tsai

Do I need to explain (he’d hear it and be like omg me fr)

Call Me What You Like - Lovejoy

I’ve said this a lot about other bands but I DEFINITELY see him liking lovejoy

Carry On My Wayward Son - Kansas

Counting Stars - OneRepublic

Maybe?? Rethinking this one a bit now but I think he’d like it in some contexts

Cradles - Sub Urban

This one may be a bit more Dust than Cross BUT that could mean that Dust showed it to him and he liked it or something idk

Crawling - LINKIN PARK

Sorta the same situation as cradles actually. Also I feel like Cross would blast heavy metal through earbuds while externally maintaining and entirely straight face FJFHF /hj Also I just see him liking linkin park

Crush - Ethal Cain

Cupid’s Chokehold / Breakfast In America - Gym Class Heroes

Maybe???

Devil Town - Cavetown

Cavetown. (This one especially)

Discord - The Living Tombstone

LISTEN. Listen I know it’s a mlp song. I think??? But idk I just think he would BAHA

Everything Is Temporary (Sticks And Stones) - Cavetown

Faint - LINKIN PARK

Fake Out - Fall Out Boy

This one is extremely Cross to me like I think he’d learn to play it on his guitar or something idk LMAO

Flu Game - Fall Out Boy

Maybe it’s cause I’m unwell about fob but fall out boy seems very Cross to me

Fireflies - Owl City

I think he would go through a phase where he’s obsessed with owl city for like a month then lose most interest later (not me projecting from personal experience for no reason BAHA)

For You - Cavetown

Relistening to this for the sake of this post and yeah. Yeah he would

Friction - Imagine Dragons

Eh??

Get Used To It - Ricky Montgomery

glass beach - glass beach

golden hour - JVKE

Definitely see him really liking this one

Guilty - Cavetown

Heartbreak Feels So Good - Fall Out Boy

Heavydirtysoul - twenty one pilots

Hold Me Like A Grudge - Fall Out Boy

I like to think he and Killer would like this one together :]

I Will Wait - Mumford and Sons

Another one I’m not too sure on but I could still somewhat see him liking

Internet Ruined Me - Wilbur Soot

It’s Alright - Mother Mother

It’s Called: Freefall - Rainbow Kitten Surprised

Same situation as Achilles come down basically

The Kintsugi Kid (Ten Years) - Fall Out Boy

Level Of Concern - twenty one pilots

Love From The Other Side - Fall Out Boy

Loved - Fein

Mary On A Cross - Ghost

I feel like he’d get too caught up in appreciating it for its emotion rather than realizing the connotations fhfhfh

Meet Me At Our Spot - THE ANXIETY, WILLOW, and Tyler Cole

This is another very Kross song to me. Like he and Killer love this song in my mind forever

Moral Of The Story - Ashe

My Alcoholic Friends - The Dresden Dolls

To me I like to think Killer showed him this song and Cross was like “hell yeah this slaps” or something idk fhfhf

Not Easy - X Ambassadors, Elle King, and Wiz Khalifa

Oh Ana - Mother Mother

Oh Yeah, You Gonna Cry? - Lovejoy

Didn’t mention this earlier but I feel like Killer showed him lovejoy cause lovejoy is also very Killer to me

One Day - Lovejoy

Most Cross lovejoy one on here imo I think

Parents - Yungblood

Thinking about it now this one is DEFINITELY more Killer than Cross but. In some contexts I can see Killer either showing it to Cross or Cross just listening to it y’know

Papercut - LINKIN PARK

Perfume - Lovejoy

Pork Soda - Glass Animals

Renegades - X Ambassadors

Riptide - Vance Joy

Not sure what it is about this one but to me Cross would definitely listen to this one like

Rocket Man (I Think It’s Going To Be A Long Long Time) - Elton John

Rockstar - BoyWithUke

Runaway - AURORA

Save Tonight - Eagle-Eye Cherry

Sex Sells - Lovejoy

Shadow of the Day - LINKIN PARK

Should I Stay Or Should I Go - The Clash

So Much (For) Stardust - Fall Out Boy

Space Ghost Coast To Coast - Glass Animals

Still Into You - Paramore

Sunroof - Nicky Youre and Dazy

Can see this one in the context of like. More upbeat aus or situations or whatever y’know

SUPERMODEL - Måneskin

Sweater Weather - The Neighborhood

Another VERY cross song to me

Tangerine - Glass Animals

Taunt - Lovejoy

Tear In My Heart - Twenty One Pilots

The lyrics for this one are a bit more Killer but. Like I said this is a song I think he’d listen to so. I’d say they both would

Teeth - 5 Seconds Of Summer

Toes - Glass Animals

West Coast Tragedy - Mitch Jones, Ouse, Kala, and Judge & Jury

West Coast - Imagine Dragons

Unrelated to the song but I did NOT put those two next to each other on purpose lmao

Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing - NateWantsToBattle (I think this one’s a cover?)

Not too sure about this one but I can see it so it’s here

yoshi’s island - glass beach

You’ll Understand When You’re Older - Lovejoy

Alien Blues - Vundabar

Idk there’s something about this one that gives me Cross but like. In a high school AU??? Idk there’s just some indescribable vibe here I correlate with Cross

Fall In Love With A Girl - Cavetown

Maggot Belly - awfultune

Someone suggested this one to me for Cross once and they were so right he would

The Weeping Song (2010 remastered version) - Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds

The Joker - Steve Miller Band

This one reminds me of Killer and I’m just gonna say Cross listens to it for that reason. Also cause I just think he’d like it and would

Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana

THIS ONE. This one man this one I can so see Cross liking

No Children - The Mountain Goats

Weeping

Good Grief - Bastille

In Bloom - Nirvana

Cross would like Nirvana no discussion

I Love Rock N’ Roll - Joan Jett & The Blackhearts

I can see him liking older rock (if that wasn’t obvious by the songs up until now LMAO /lh)

Verbatim - Mother Mother

Hayloft II - Mother Mother

Hayloft 1 too. Most stereotypical song for a character playlist I know but I just think he would

Body - Mother Mother

Forgotten Souls - Mother Mother

Sick Of The Silence - Mother Mother

Stay Behind - Mother Mother

The Knack - Mother Mother

Life - Mother Mother

Infinitesimal - Mother Mother

Bit by Bit - Mother Mother

Psycho Killer - The Talking Heads

Crazy - Gnarls Barkley

Francis Forever - Mitski

THIS ONE okay this is another that screams Cross to me

You Give Love A Bad Name - Bon Jovi

Daylight - David Kushner

Portrait of a Blank Slate - Lovejoy

Consequences - Lovejoy

Their whole new album is very Cross actually

Scum - Lovejoy

It’s Golden Hour Somewhere - Lovejoy

Humans - KLOUD

Rolling in the Deep - Adele

The only adele song he likes /hj (I hardly know any other adele songs)

Grrrls - AViVA

Stressed Out - Twenty One Pilots

Eat Your Young - Hozier

Wish I Knew You - The Revivalists

Creep - Radiohead

Something In The Way - Nirvana

Starman (2012 Remaster) - David Bowie

Okay that’s it!! The links should be to the songs, and there aren’t links for every song cause there was no way in hell I was doing that. Also the links they are there are very sparse cause good lord I was getting tired BAHA

But yeah!! here’s my silly little skeleton playlist cackles

#JESUS CHRIST this took fucking forever #Roughly ten or nine-ish whole hours worth of songs right here lads #answering asks #consumeroflemoans asks

[nomoreusername]

Let Her Go (Part 1)

Pairing:Teresa x female reader

Summary:Despite doing everything to push them down, old feelings make Teresa do something she'll most likely regret.

The thing about Y/N is I don't like her not because of her, but because she's so easy to talk to. That doesn't really make sense so let me start from the beginning. I remember everything including how close we once were. That means that sometimes I still want to spill my soul to her. However, that would ruin everything and result in quite a few deaths. That's why forcing myself to be annoyed by her is a way better option. Really, it's my only option.

Unfortunately, that could only last for so long. She was the best suited to fix up injuries, and I just so happened to cut up my stomach. That meant she was in charge of helping. 

"How'd you do this?"She asked, pressing an old shirt against the wound. I resisted the urge to wince at the contact.

"Does it matter?"I asked.

"I just wanted to know to make sure there's no major risk of anything. Is that a crime or something?"She sighed.

"I didn't say it was. Am I not allowed to be curious?"I shot back.

"You know what, Teresa? I have tried to be nice to you. I mean I'm helping you with your injuries, and you are still doing everything you can to get on my last nerve. Guess what? You win Teresa. You win,"She ranted, giving a bitter laugh. She threw the shirt on the ground as she angrily stood up.

"Y/N,"I called as she stormed off. 

"What? What could you possibly want now?"She snapped. 

"You,"I answered before I really processed my words. Once I did and saw the shock on her face I would have done anything to take them back.

"What do you just say?"She asked in disbelief.

"You,"I repeated, realizing that there was no point in pretending anymore. 

"You know what, Teresa? You're a terrible liar. You have done nothing but be a jerk to me the entire time you've known me, and now you want me to believe that you want something to do with me? That's a bunch of-"

Feeling the need to prove it to her I pulled her closer to me. Instead of pulling back she stared at me with eyes that seemed to have softened. 

Everything inside me knew that this was a bad idea. This story wouldn't end well for either of us. 

Then, her eyes glanced at my lips. I couldn't take it anymore. I had missed her from the moment she left and dreamed about her almost every night. I couldn't not do it. 

Barely needing to move forward an inch, I crashed my lips against hers. She wrapped her arms around me as she kissed back. All of a sudden nothing existed but her, and that was more than okay with me. Because kissing her may as well be my purpose. It feels like it every time. Between the way we fit so well, to the butterflies in my stomach I could never get enough. And as if she remembered, she snaked her arm around my waist as we deepened it. 

I also let her. I had never wanted her to do that so badly, but now I needed it, needed her, for as long as possible.

Especially since soon I knew I was probably going to have to let her go.

#teresa agnes #teresa x reader #tmr teresa #teresa tmr #the maze runner #the scorch trials #one shot #enemies to lovers #second chances #second chance romance #part 1/4

[rubykgrant]

I'm no longer feeling waves of panic from my depression, but the guilt, shame, and regret are still there. Now it just feels like a heavy, dead-weight inside my chest. I also feel so terrible for making people worry about me. I don't want to cause anybody to feel anxious, and I definitely don't want to just cry for attention. It doesn't feel fair, to be comforted when I don't deserve it. It also isn't fair for people to "forgive" me, or encourage me to try and forgive myself. I've been a person who was hurtful, selfish, and a liar. It doesn't matter how sad I am now, or how many words I use to describe that sadness. Even a well-worded apology doesn't equal forgiveness. There are so many people I can't actually apologize to. Even if I could, how much distress would it cause, to just randomly say- "About seven or eight years ago, I was disrespectful, and now I'm finally sorry". People deserved to be respected ALL the time.

I didn't physically harm anybody, and this isn't about some form mistreatment that was motivated by bigotry, but I can't just keep telling myself "Well, at least I'm not THAT bad". It just feels like more lying to myself, or making an excuse. I may not have been "abusive", but I abused a sense of trust, in other people and myself. I lied to myself because I hated my life, and pretended I was special, but that just took away from any chance I had of actually being happy. Even though I finally looked at myself and saw my own bad behavior for what it was, and decided to stop, it was after years of being a bad person. No, not a bad person every day, not a bad person constantly, but still too much. I could also finally recognize other problems in my life, and saw how I had several years where I was hurting so much, it was like I emotionally stagnated. That still doesn't give me a pass to hurt other people. I know how bad it can be, to feel wronged in some way, to have things taken from you or have your feelings disregarded, and how that hurt can stay with you for years. How dare I do that to anybody else? Even with my own hindsight, I can't understand why I didn't care enough about other people. It feels so different from how I knew I once thought, and how I think now, but I can't make the excuse of "I was like a different person" and "I'm a better person now" either.

It is impossible for me to un-do or fix everything that has happened. It doesn't feel like I deserve to just move on and be happy. If I truly feel sorry, if I want to take responsibility for my actions, I should be punished somehow. Interacting with people, doing anything that makes them happy, feels like I'm "bribing" people into liking me, or tricking them into thinking I've become a decent person. It feels false, like lying for attention. If it were different, if people didn't know me now, if they had been hurt by me before, they would rightfully hate me. I shouldn't take up space or sympathy like that. So many other people deserve attention more than me. I've been selfish and yet also self-destructive before, and I want to stop thinking that way, but it all just keeps coming back to the guilt and shame. A liar shouldn't be trusted. How can I justify taking "more", when I was so selfish? I ruined my own life, and trying to make anything new from it seems unreasonable. How dare I be happy or feel "proud" of myself?

No matter how many times I was hurt, that's no excuse for bad behavior. Even though it started when I was a stupid kid, it went on as I grew up, from teenager to adult. Bad mistakes and bad habits turn into bad decisions and just bad behavior. I should have known how to treat people better. I don't want to just isolate and remove myself from everything, but I don't know how to reconcile who I've been with who I want to be. It even still feels selfish to focus on my own feelings at all. I wish I had been a decent enough person, somebody who wasn't even capable of being so hurtful and uncaring. I wish I could do more to put out goodness for others and actually help. I wish I could tell all the people who have shown me kindness and compassion how much I appreciate it, and I wish I was the kind of person who deserves it. I wish I really could find the motivation to move forward and be a better person, but it just doesn't feel deserved. There is still so much regret, so much shame and guilt. Crying about how sorry I am doesn't erase who I used to be. Any positive attention I get, it still feels like I'm tricking people. Being nice and trying to do good things doesn't erase any bad choices, and I don't want that anyway. I don't want to ignore any of this. I ignored part of my life that hurt when I was younger, and then I ignored how I was hurting other people as I grew up, and it just made things worse. I wish I could make things better, but it feels like that isn't possible

#depression #anxiety

[mrstsung]

Me at mk12/mk1 shang:

Baby you did no wrong. The narrative does you wrong. Tells us you can never be forgiven yet other characters do horrible shit (maybe even worse) and get off scott free cuz the narrative and story told you to hate him. Instead of using your brains to think for once in your god damn lives. Calling shang lazy because he's poor,down on his luck trying to survive in this game. Ableist shitlords who tell poor people and minority groups to "put in honest work and youll get somewhere" or "shang tsung is always a liar" when a supposed "good version exists"?! Are you shitting me?! He deserve nice things. Every excuse i see seems to be wanting to demonize a character that in the story actually didn't deserve it. And by all means is valid in their anger. Shang tsung deserves better. But most of all he deserves the heads of those responsible for giving him a wretched life. So fuck nrs and fuck liu kang stans.

You deserve so much more. Shang tsung stans,my fellow tsimps. Please do him actual justice. That doesn't involve shipping him with everyone on the roster. You know actually write something worth a lick.

Also Me at mk12/mk1 liu kang and anyone who justifies him in the narrative now:

That's not my liu kang and honestly liu should have stayed dead.

Nah i won't apologize.

Hating on this man for the predicaments that you gaslight him on in a situation where liu kang has every fucking means and power to actually change shit or ya know stand up to his superiors. Does nothing. Nobody's calling out these god/titans. And look where that gets our faves.

So liu kang is just as at fault if not more.

You dont give him nearly as much shit as you give raiden as a God and yet unlike raiden

LIU KANG DESERVES TO GET FUCKING YELLED AT,CALLED OUT AND SOME FUCKING CONSEQUENCES FOR HIS BLUNDERS. but yet....he doesn't really. Just sad kitty mew mew faces and a slap on the wrist.

Meanwhile shang tsung has to pay for crimes he did WHILE HE WAS TRYING TO SURVIVE AND ACTUALLY FUCKING DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE PROBLEMS.

Dont give that "oh but evil shang" did what? Whos to say it wasn't the same shit? But instead of God liu kang,it was raiden? So same shit. Plus like i said a good shang exists. So....what is the actual excuse to not feel bad for shang. Even a lil bit?

So same shit different god. Nothing got changed. Nothing worth of lick to the story actually happened.

So what did we actually do differently that was worth it?

Nothing.

Like how am i supposed to love these supposed "good guys" but all they do is follow orders,not question shit,follow narrative,and run around like bumbling idiots? How am i supposed to root for someone who legitimately ruined the lives of others by not actually helping.

If gods actually can do all this shit in mks world. Like they say. If these beings are oh so powerful. Then show it. Because if not. Then they are just as flawed and are no better then the supposed mortals.

Gods in mk use mortals as cattle for their own amusement would be the narrative that mk needs so desperately. And for shang tsung of all people to call that shit out and actually do something about it and do a NOBLE DEED. Would be fucking amazing.

But nope y'all want your boring stale unseasoned trope of "uwu evil guy to beat up because me good guy cant possibly be an asshole in the wrong uwu"

What drove shang to evil....is the lack of actually love and care from someone that was supposed to protect him. He had a hard time trusting others. So.....help him trust again? Help him and guide him better? Maybe he needs a lil bit different teaching technique? He obviously didn't take pleasure in lying or stealing or selling to make ends meet. Obviously there was a reason. Whos to say the people wouldn't find any excuse to hate shang even if he was making an honest living? Whos to say that they wouldn't find a way to other him in the narrative as some of y'all seem to be doing?

So yeah nothing changed.

same shit. Different god. That's all that fucking changed. Period.

It's a mid game. And thats me being very very generous. If shang wasn't in it and used as fucking sale bait. I bet you it wouldn't even get off half the fucking attention it's gotten. And even then it's waning as we speak. (Good)

Say what you want but there is no valid reason to hate shang tsung. You can say he's not your fave. You can say he's done deliciously cold Blooded shit. I'd agree with you.

But dont ever say it was for no reason. He has every right to fuck the gods up.

This man is a survivor of a game that was rigged from the start.

And by god he still despite taking unnecessary L's . He stays winning because i feel he's more popular than any other character on the roster. Simply by being the lovely bastard he is.

People would argue that sub zero or scorpion are the best. Not anymore. They aint even the right ones.

Kenshi is only popular because pretty guy lewis tan(he's cute but by god fans of him are irritating) plays him and people want anime sword dude. Outside of that niche what does he actually have to offer the narrative and story beyond his part. Nothing. Unpopular opinion but...His son was cooler anyways.

Johnny cage is cool but only in small doses otherwise he's insufferable. And he's even mid tier in mk12/mk1. That jean claude van damme skin is the only reason people came back for johnny and i genuinely feel that was also a sale bait. Because they knew they couldn't beat tekkens sales nor street fighter. And had to rush shit out to even be noticed.

It reeks of "notice me younger generation. We still have the cool toys." It's desperate for the glory days that never will come.

People are tired of the mediocre.

You had an opportunity to actually shake shit up. But nope nrs just wants an injustice game so bad but have to appease the impatient mk fans. I say this as a long time mk fan. We are our own worst enemy.

But enough venting.

I'll get back to shang tsung posting soon.

Some actual good food.

Just lemme simmer down and cook a bit.

#personal vent #personal post #personal post do not reblog #DO NOT REBLOG #vent post

[anonymousinthisworld]

Why do I feel like you are going to hurt me, even though you said that you wouldn’t? Am I stupid for believing you? Am I stupid for believing in you? I want to believe that you are the good guy. I’ve seen it in the way you treat me. But I feel like I am going crazy because I confronted you and you looked straight at me and said no. Even when I had insisted that you were lying, you continued to say no. In fact, you told me that you wanted to see if she was worthy of me. I was speechless. I never felt so special like I meant that much to you. It sounded like you wanted me to be in good hands. It sounded like you wanted me to have the best because you believed that I deserved nothing less. Or maybe you were referring to her physical appearance. Who knows. Either way, how can I believe what you said when everyone else would probably make a liar out of you? I want to believe you so badly, but I am afraid that you will hurt me and leave me looking foolish. I’ve heard things about you, but not once did you ever fail to show me those things. You never hid them from me and I appreciate that. Maybe you aren’t a liar after all. 

Why do I feel like once again everything is falling apart? Why does everything feel so familiar? Kind of like deja vu? Like I had lived through this before? Maybe because I already have. Why does the past keep coming back? “Nostalgia is denial of the painful present”. Is this why the past has become my oldest friend? I recently find myself resorting back to the “good old days”. I somehow find comfort in the past while being conflicted simultaneously because as there were bad moments, there were also good ones. I still remember the good times I had with the ones who are no longer in my life. In fact, I remember everything. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I don’t miss the people who had done me wrong. Only the memories. I miss the things that created those memories. The things that reminded me of the good times when those times were much more simple than what is it now. 

Why does it feel like I am about to lose everything? My life is like a domino effect. When one knocks down, the rest of them follow. I already got rid of one, but who is to say that I wouldn’t eventually get rid of you? I don’t want to, but am I stupid for keeping you around when you don’t want a relationship? Even though I don’t want to hop into one either? Not that I wouldn’t want to be in one with you, but you told me that you don’t want to be in one because you recently got out of one. And not to only put it all on you, but let’s just say that I am complicated too. It doesn’t matter what we call ourselves. As long as you care about me as I do about you. I still want to get to know you better. I still want to see where things go. Truth be told, I want to see if there will ever be a light at the end of the tunnel. Some kind of happy ending for us, even though those only exist in fairytales. I don’t need an official title from you. I want you and I don’t want anyone else to ruin what we have. I want to keep you safe from everyone else. I want to protect you. To protect us. The way that I couldn’t in the past. 

What am I really afraid of? Not commitment that’s for sure. I want to only commit to you, but I have a hard time imagining my life with you in it when things are not at all perfect. I am struggling to fit you into my messiness. I want things to be perfect, but they aren’t. I don’t want to expose you to the imperfect parts of my life along with my baggage only for you to run away. What would be the point? I clearly have trust issues. I do not trust people enough to fully let them in unless they are in it for the long haul. You are starting to see how negative I can be. Does that scare you? Am I not who you expected me to be? Does that make me a fraud? Do you feel deceived?

Why do you still want me around? I bet you can see that I am falling harder for you every time I see you. I think it is safe to say that I am most definitely falling for you. I can’t get you out of my head. Eventually this wall of mine will tumble down and all I will be left with is feeling raw. I feel that you are ignoring the truth regarding my feelings for you. Is this why I sometimes feel you distant? Hoping that I won’t fall harder for you after each moment we spend together? Or is that part all in my head? Because you asked me not to go and you wanted me to come back even if it was only for one day.

You reciprocated those feelings, but why is it that I still doubt you? Why am I convinced that I misunderstood you when you told me that you have feelings for me too? You said that we were “good friends” and friends can have sex. Isn’t that what we call “friends with benefits” though? Apparently not because you said that I meant more to you than simply having sex and then kicking me out of your bed. However, you still refer us as friends. Friends is what you want us to be. But how can I be your friend when I never saw you as one for having these feelings? You have feelings for me too, yet you want to remain only friends… but for how long? Until you find someone better? That’s not what you told me though. You could have left me twice, but you chose to stay anyway. “What are you doing to me” is what you said.

Am I afraid of falling in love as I did once before? Letting myself go only to be left alone again in the dark? With nothing but a heartbreak? I closed off my heart for six years. Am I afraid of going backwards? Am I afraid of resorting back to old patterns?

Why am I constantly wanting you? What is it about you that made me want you more? It is the way you make me laugh? Because gosh you are so funny. You always have me laughing on the floor and you have no idea how good that makes me feel. You make me happy. When I smile, my heart smiles too. The truth is that I don’t know how I feel about you in terms of love. But I know that there is something true here. I liked the last guy. I truly did, but why does this time feel so different? Something I still quite don’t understand. You have me hooked. 

I feel like somehow I am going to lose you, even though you were never mine. I like being yours, even though I am technically not yours. In all fairness, I always feel that way. I can never catch a break.

Why am I so confused? I have plenty of questions yet to be answered. What did I get myself into? I did not see this coming. The truth is that we never do. I have become attached to you and I don’t think that is fair to you. I am sorry for not telling you. The truth is that I don’t know whether or not I am in love with you, but why does it feel like I am? I told you that I did not want you to go, but is this the part where I have to let you go? Or, is this me simply trying to self-sabotage? 

I made the rookie mistake in getting involved with you knowingly that I had interest in you from the start. That’s on me. But I did not anticipate that we would come this far. Look at us. How could you not feel the same way for me as I do for you? Is this why you haven’t let go of us too? If I told you that I have become attached to you, what would you do? Would you continue to stay by my side? Or is this the part where we would say our goodbyes?

You allowed me not to hold back. I thank you for that. I enjoyed and cherished every moment spent with you, especially the rare moments when I completely expressed myself to you. Physically and emotionally. Is this as vulnerable as I will ever get with you? That’s my fear by the way. Being “naked” in front of you as I let you enter my world… where nothing is ever as it seems because I sometimes feel that I am wearing a mask… making it seem like everything is alright when it isn’t. The truth is that I am a fucking mess. Would you still want me if you knew what truly lies underneath the clothes?

Why does everything feel so different after I left? Before I left, you asked me if I loved you and I said no because that was the truth then. But what about now? You stopped checking in. Are you now afraid of learning the truth? Are you afraid of feeling the need to leave me if you were to know how I truly feel about you? Some would say that would be the right thing to do.

I don’t want you to drop me like I don’t mean anything to you. That’s what I told you before I left. Well, the first part anyway. I generally have a hard time opening up. I think you realized it too. In fact, I had told you this from the start. And you told me among other things that you wouldn’t do that to me. Not in that order, but you get the picture. All I can hope for is that you meant what you said. 

Why do I feel that you are the very last? As if you’ll be the last person I end up with? Like there will be nobody else after you? As if I’ll never love again. I never thought that I would feel this way again. I don’t want you to be another lesson, but I am afraid that is all you are and will ever be. If it weren’t for you, then I would have not let go of my past best friend… I am tired of the past coming back. Are you just another ripple effect? But you mean so much more to me than that. 

I respect that you don’t want a relationship. You told me that you want to focus on yourself. You also told me that you don’t do long distance. Who does that remind you of? Because I’ve heard that line before. I don’t need a relationship from you. Although, I would be lying if I told you that I did not want to at least try and see if we could ever be in one down the line… but for now, I want exclusivity. I want for you to call me yours and for me to call you mine, even though we are not officially together. I also want reassurance. I want to know that you won’t leave. That you won’t leave me for someone else who has probably more to offer. As you once said, we are walking on two different paths. In that moment, you sounded like somebody I used to know. Despite of that, I still want you, whatever that means… and I don’t want you to give up on me either. 

No matter what happens… I hope I mean so much to you as you do to me. That I am not just another girl to you. Not just another one that you’ll tell the next girl “how we grew apart from one another.” No matter what happens… I think there will always be space for you in my heart too. Because that’s what love does to you. And I say “too” because my first love will always be there as well. I believe in true love and true love is never forgotten and forever cherished. I will never forget him, but why do I get this feeling that you will forever be in my heart too. And I hope I’ll always be in yours. It’s hard to fill the shoes of another who also meant so much to me. But I don’t want you to because I like you the way you are. Even your goofiness that nobody seems to understand. Not even me. I don’t expect you to live in someone else’s shadow. I don’t want to put you on a pedestal. Like I did with him. You asked me multiple times why I liked you as if you couldn’t believe that I could actually like you. I never gave you a straight answer, but to answer your question now… how could I not? Love is not rational. Something that I am still trying to figure out for myself. I can’t believe that I felt deeply for you as I can’t even imagine saying goodbye to you. That would hurt like hell. 

I wish things were more simple though. Maybe that is why my first love pops into my head from time to time. Even though I am tired of chasing that ghost. It’s a constant battle. I will forever be grateful for him. He was the only one who knew what he wanted and went after it. There was no bullshit. No baggage. No backstory. And when it did not work out… well, at least we can say that we tried. We tried to see if things could go passed the first stage. I realized that even though we did not take our relationship to the next level, he still gave me a chance to see if we could ever be in one. This is why he told me that we were seeing each other. Seeing each other was the chance he had given me. I realized that now. After things ended, I was so angry with him for feeling that he never bothered to give us a shot at a relationship only to realize now that he actually did give us one… it just didn’t work out in our favour. And he was the only one who ever did.

Going back to you though, I hope one day for you to give me that same chance since you are not ready now. Like he did for me. But at the same time, we probably are walking on two different paths… or as he had put it “we are at two different points in our lives”. Something that always stuck with me because that was the truth then and is still the truth now. The very same truth that continued to linger in my other relationships after him…including ours. 

Life is no fairytale. You don’t always get a happy ending. Or that happy ending is not always how you imagined it to be. You can’t always get what you want. Sometimes in life, you have to make a choice. And every time, I chose myself because they did not choose me. But I am hoping that it will be different this time around. 

You encouraged me to go further. He did too. And everyone else in-between. And as they didn’t want me to give up, you don’t either. And I won’t because I worked very hard to get to where I am today. You have no idea. You have no idea how long it took me to get here. The obstacles that I faced. I did not give myself another chance only to throw it away. I love you, but I can’t ignore my destiny… whatever that maybe. I believe in myself. I believe that I can aim higher elsewhere than here. I realized that after him, I am meant to be elsewhere… or I at least owe it to myself to try. Which is also why it would have not worked out between him and I. As it would probably not work out between you and I if I were to move away from here. Can’t you see that there is a pattern? That school always comes in the way of everyone whom I was involved with? The story of my life as I call it. But I hope that pattern breaks starting with you. And if it doesn’t, then that’s okay too because I don’t expect you to uproot your entire life for me. From what I can tell, your life is here. Set in stone. But the question is, what about mine? To be continued I guess. I believe in destiny, but I also believe in free will, which is why I am feeling hopeful about us, even though deep down I convinced myself that our story will end the way that it always has… apart.

It’s hard to let go of the past when there is still unfinished business. He will always be my reference. He showed me what a real man was and how man should treat a woman. One of the reasons as to why I will always hold him to a higher standard. No one is perfect, but he was perfect to me. I thought that I was done with the past, but clearly I am not because my mind seems to wonder back there. I find myself walking down memory lane. Feeling that the past is repeating itself. Feeling bombarded with all these reminders of what used to be. How can I move forward if I keep looking back? I need to accept you for who you are because you are not him. I need to stop comparing, even though I see some parts of him in you. After letting go of my past best friend, I was eager to start fresh and see where our story would lead without my past interfering. I wanted to stop the ripple effects of a decision that I had made a long time ago. Hoping to put an end to the hauntings of my ghost once and for all. Yet, I continue to see my past in my present. Probably because I never really left. One foot in and one foot out as they say. 

I am afraid of you hurting me the way he did. I am afraid of you leaving me the way he did. But I am mostly tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Constantly waiting for the part where you decide to tell me “goodbye” rather than “see you later”. I want to enjoy my time with you… whatever time we have left. The unfinished business doesn’t lie with him. It lies with me and the feelings I was left with when he ghosted me. I lost faith in you and you are not the one who left, even though as we speak, I feel that you might leave me again and again. Despite his screwup, I still see the good in him as I still see the good in you. I thought that I dealt with my past only to realize that I buried my past in the ground and ran away assuming that I would never look back. However, the past crept up on me… or maybe I carried him on my shoulders along with the rest of my baggage. Is this why my upper body feels tensed? Is this why my shoulders feel heavy? As if I have been carrying this weight around for a while now. I am at war with myself. I am my own worst enemy. 

As you can see, this is what goes on in my head. The wheels in my head never stop turning as I am constantly overthinking. The truth is that I do not know what lies in store for us, but I need to start having faith in you. I need to start trusting that you won’t leave me over the littlest things. I need to start believing that you won’t walk away even when you're mad at me. I need to start trusting that you won’t “get bored of me” and change your mind as you told me that you are not going anywhere. I need to start believing that you are not lying to me when you tell me that you care. If we can’t trust each other, then what are we doing? I can’t assume that we are done after one conversation. I need to hear it from you. As you said you would. Because according to you, goodbye means forever. So, I guess you’re stuck with me then because I sure as hell am not going anywhere. This isn’t goodbye for us. More like see you later. 

#personal

[mchiti]

I just want to ramble a little to anyone who wants to listen/read... I didn't realize how desperate I was to positive Muslim/arab/north African representation until I watched the world cup and saw the Moroccan nt and how people all across MENA were connected and supportive and loving especially how the players treated their mothers and wives it felt like a safe space looking at our men being successful and happy in the western world was such a positive thing yet....when this happened....it brought me back to reality and how our men treat women and unfortunately I know the western media are gonna use this against us as usual be xenophobic,islamaphobic, racist and give off the stereotype that our men are violent and can't be trusted.

Also I've seen a lot of people say "he can't do that he's Muslim" or "he would never do such a thing" and even which god I wish it was true... But bad people exist in every religion and every community just bc he's Muslim doesn't mean he won't commit haram if that was true we would be live our best lives. And also "the french are trying to sabotage the Arabs and north Africans especially after what happened to Saad Al mejard" which I need people to shut up about this bc Saad was proven to actually r*** these girls and it's soooo hard to prove it and convict criminals so can you imagine how bad it is that he got convicted?

It just makes me mad af I rather support a potential liar rather than a potential r**** I feel frustrated, as a girl I always believe the victim even if victim girls come out and say they were lying I think how much they were payed to say that? Bc after all this is a nobody who's standing against a millionaire man who can get away with anything .

Looking at the world I realized people espresso men are always afraid of being falsely accused of SA and I just want to say .. I never saw a famous man who's an abuser or who committed assault career gets ruined at all , they disappear for a year or two and come back like nothing happened.

I just wish the girl is safe , his mom"oh ya Allah I can't imagine how she feels " and kids safe away from the media

It's just frustrating..... I hope all the girls safety and to never get close to encounter such a horrific experience.

I'm sorry I talked so much I don't have anyone to talk with about this..

tw rape/SA

hayati, anon, hi. I have to be honest it took me a while to manage to get through this bc I have such low energy but I also would never ignore you or not answer you because I hear you, it's so upsetting and I'm very sorry you feel like you have no one to talk to, I don't want this for anyone. I'll just put everything under the cut, I try to be as respectful as I can to other people who don't want to go through this stuff rn

darling I genuinely feel every single word. My thoughts and duas are with the victim first and foremost. If it's true, she deserves justice, but right now she deserves support nonetheless because you're right, at the end of the day if this turns out to be false you've just given support to someone who lied, but if this is true and you stand by him, you're supporting a potential r*pist, so. I hope she's safe, I'm keeping her in my duas, I'm very sad for her.

Secondly I also feel sorry for people in our community who looked up to him. When you are part of a minority and a diaspora kid, or even if you grow up in the country but it's a country that faces strong economic issues and had such a difficult history, you tend to find yourself within your people. I'm talking about Moroccans but also about Africans, Arabs, Muslims, diaspora kids anywhere who looked up to him. We're desperate for representation within our own kind and I feel very much for everyone - me included because I'm genuinely am struggling a lot today, and you anon - who are left down. I was very attached to him bc of everything he had to overcome and what he represented for me and for us so yeah, this is very, very disappointing beyond level. I know many people say "why are you surprised, they are rich men" sure, but we're still here aren't we. And I still can wish that someone I adored wouldn't have done such a terrible thing.

The Islamophobia is real right now, the amount of ridiculous stuff I'm reading. I'm trying to stay in a safe space today, but I'm just sad this kind of gets to me too you know? Like I feel weird about posting about morocco nt now because I don't want to upset people, but I also feel like I'm internalising certain agendas because people are still posting about other psg players, so. You know? I lost two mutuals too and I haven't even posted anything.

But also I'm so disappointed and heartbroken at some of the Muslim community right now. A lot of Moroccans (and not just them) complaining about how France is putting up a propaganda against Maghrebis, it's just unreal really. It's frustrating because it's going to invalidate our struggles and our battles against actual racism too you know. The fact that they are still defending Saad Lamjarred is beyond me with such the history he has and it took years for a bit of justice.

Anon, I also want to wish you to take care of yourself and be in a safe space and I send you an hug extra tight today.

#tw rape #tw sa

[booklovingturtle]

PJO: TLT Reread Braindump

First time I read it: Middle school 2013-ish

Times I’ve read it prior to tdoday: 3 (I think)

Current reread: Fall of 2022 (I’m 23)

Method of reading: First time I borrowed it from my school library, every time after that I’ve used my personal copy and audiobooks rented from my library.

Thoughts while rereading CHP 1 - 3

This is the first time I’ve done something like this. Why am I doing this? IDK. I just decided I wanted to reread PJO before season 1 drops in 2023 so here I am. If you are curious about what my jumbled thoughts are here ya go!

Chapter 1

Mrs. Dodds had Percy being punished until MIDNIGHT?? Nah uh no way that's so illegal I can't believe she made it long enough as a fake teacher to try to kill him later with that attitude

Yes, Chiron Mr.Brunner! Love real-life application of “useless” curriculum material!!!!

Where did you get that Roman armor Chiron Mr.Brunner??? Did it come with a purple t-shirt???

Yes, Mr. Brunner! Push your students!! Percy feels like he’s being hard on him but that’s bc Chiron Mr. Brunner won’t let Percy’s talent go to waste just bc of his diagnosis (also cuz he’s a Demigod yeah but Rick wrote this from the perspective of an educator so that’s what I’m sticking with)

Global warming = Pan is dead

Chiron Mr.Brunner WOULD BRING A REAL SWORD IN ON TOURNAMENT DAY?

Chapter 2

Love the way they’re gaslighting Percy (except my boy Grover who adorable and a horrible liar)

As an elementary school teacher, hearing about Percy’s behavior and honesty makes me so sad. I know that this is just a fictional story but I can’t help but picture my own students in his shoes. The ones who also engage in disruptive, impulsive behavior because they can’t regulate themselves and because the adults in their lives failed them. It honestly breaks my heart. Percy is a fictional character but again, Rick based him on the real-life children I teach every day in an American public school who time and time again are not given the support, love, and care that they need

Percy is studying SO FREAKING HARD all because Chiron Mr.Brunner believes in him. He doesn’t want to fail the only teacher that has ever given him high expectations while also positively affirming him. In CHP1, Percy mentioned how Chiron Mr.Brunner will punish him AND Nancy. it’s not that Chiron Mr.Brunner is making things easier for Percy or letting him coast by because he’s a kid with an IEP. It’s that Chiron Mr.Brunner believes that Percy can succeed and will do his best to support him academically. This gives Percy the motivation to strive for that standard. (No i’m not saying his method is perfect. I’m saying its a step in the right direction)

annnnnnndddd.... few paragraphs later Chiron Mr.Brunner ruins it. All by making the mistake of discussing a private matter in front of other students. i can’t even judge him because been there done that. Teachers are humans too. Sometimes we say the wrong thing or at the wrong time or in the wrong way. It SUCKS because it’s so hard to back peddle. I feel bad for Percy in this scene but I feel just as bad for Chiron

Love that even the yarn for his sock is blue blue blue blue blue

I wanna hear the snip shake the screen in the show

Chapter 3

JEEZ...I don’t remember Sally’s life being so sad my goodness

PLS LOOK AT CHILDREN WITH KINDNESS! I MEAN THIS SO SRSLY!!! Kids can be annoying and hard to deal with sometimes yes but all of us were kids at one point. All of us are hard to deal with even as adults. Be like Sally. Look at the children in your life (family, students, neighbors, etc) with kindness

DADDY ISSUES

Love that Percy has an entire list of terrifying events that prove he’s not safe where he is and in the same breath goes “What do you mean I’m not safe?”

Am I dumb? Yes. Do I know what the horse (P-Daddy) and eagle (Zaddy) represent? I think.

o zeu kai alloi theoi = Zeus and other gods (my guess is Zeus = zeu and theoi = gods)

#percy jackson #Percy Jackon and the Olympians #the lighting thief #PJO #pjo tlt #rick riordan #riordanverse #percy jackson reread #pjo reread