#why is this so hard. why am i useless with no degree or skills to get a skilled job work visas require

[autisticlee]

I want to be rich enough to afford my own business, then live off that so I don't have to work for anyone else and can make my job meet my own needs/comfort that other jobs cannot. getting and keeping a job as an neurodivergent and/or disabled person in a neurotypical and ableist society is so frustrating and overwhelming. they refuse to meet your needs, accommodate you, blame you for your struggles, and are hardly ever accepting, because you're a "burden" to them and don't meet their ridiculous expectations so you get rejected or fired! the only choice is to do it yourself!!!!! but even starting/running businesses seems to be greatly gatekept by them too 😭

one problem is that it seems only people who are already rich can start their own physical business, in this world today. only people who don't really need to work because they're born into money can make money off their own work. then they call it hard work and pulling their boot straps or whatever 🙄 so they just hire others to do all the work for them and take most the profits. then tah-dah, they have a successful business and only had to tell some people what to do and let them all do the rest for them. I can't afford anything that goes into my own business, especially the physical shop and hired help. my living situation makes it difficult to work from home because I live in a walk-in closet sized room with the entirety of my belongings squished into the small space. i'm trying my best to make things to cell (currently stickers, art prints, 3d anime/video game figures, etc) but it's so difficult and stressful.

or alternatively, get lucky, or have social skills and spoons, to get popular enough online so you can start online first or even full time. you usually have to be super social and interesting online to gain a following who supports you and becomes your fan. not everyone is lucky to have an enticing personality (I barely have one at all 😔) and the spoons to consistently keep up with the demand to keep people interested and continuously supportive. most people online treat it all as a competition and won't help others. they refuse to share your stuff or give advice or work together. they just care about themselves and their business.

the only real advice I got is "be consistent," which i'm sure any chronically ill, disabled, or ND person knows that's basically impossible. some days are good, some weeks are horrible and you can't do anything. that's why i'd work better with a team of others so we can fill each others gaps and stay seemingly consistent, if that makes sense. if there's multiple of us, at least one of us should have the spoons to keep things going! right???? but most online businesses are single-person run and they don't want to share and split anything, even if it's just a small collab for fun (I experienced first hand how gross fellow creaters can be to each other because they treat it as a competition instead of a collab and opportunity to enjoy working together and boost each other up. I will never forgive the bts fanart community for how snobby, childish, and bullying many of the "bigger" were behind closed doors! and smaller ones that licked their boots! ive also heard similar stories about other communities and places, like twitch, youtube, etc.)

then there's the whole business managing thing and promoting and all that. i'm a nobody on the internet, so even if I did online business only to start, no one will notice me or help! (I've actually tried before multiple times in the last almost decade and sold nothing but still struggled to keep up 😅) i barely have the executive functioning spoons to take a shower more than once a week 😭 running a business all alone with all the factors pitted against me? how! i can't hire help if no one pays me lmao

when i've asked for help before, even just asking friends to share my stuff, I get slapped with the whole "stop caring what people think about your work/numbers aren't important/do it because you want to and enjoy it/etc" and that's so insulting because it makes me feel like they're trying to say my work is horrible and worthless and I don't deserve to live off my hard work!!!!! (I'm no longer friends with these people)

what it comes down to is, I always feel like my only choice to actually work and possibly afford to survive is to start my own business????? I can't live off my parents forever and part time minimum wage jobs that I could *maybe* get (even if I was rejected from 200 of them in 2 months...) including the one I fo now are so painful, boring, unfulfilling, and/or stressful and not worth it! but no one will hire me for anything better because no experience and you need experience to get experience. or you need a degree and need money to get a degree but need degree to make money. and it's a whole paradox that is impossible for someone like me to get through. I get rejected at every interview for being autistic. i'm burnt out trying. I feel like i'm at a dead end and don't know what i'm supposed to do?

do any other autistic/ND/disabled people feel the same way?

I usually get told to "wait and it will happen one day" but this is life we are talking about!!! life doesnt wait!!!!! i'm not a teen/20s with ~my whole life ahead of me~ i'm getting older fast and have zero openings or paths that I can take alone. I know my disabled limits and it means I can't just make things happen like other people. I can't live independently or get a normal job, etc. I cant wait around forever and hope I get lucky. i've never experienced any luck so I don't believe it will help me. so I put in what work i'm capable off all the time instead of waiting, but see no useful results. I do my best despite what people on the outside see and tell me (I'm so fucking tired of hearing i'm Not Trying, Giving Up Too Easily, Being Too Negative, Refusing To Leave My Confort Zone, Not Believing In Myself and etc. it's NOT true. I don't care if that's how it looks. being disabled is NOT those things!!!! just because normal daily things takes more spoons and energy and effort for me than you, I need more help, and I dont have the ability to physically or mentally do certain things, (which means doing things beyond that is nearly impossible in most cases,) doesn't mean Those Things. no one understands how hard I try, how much I struggle, and how frustrating it is for it to all crash down, never work, and not matter. only very few people in similar situations understand and don't try to push me. I NEED SUPPORT not someone to remind me of how much I fail because I can't meet NT and abled expectations and do things THEIR way!

anyway, I fell into huge rant....is it possible for us to come together and make a ND/disabled-led business and only hire others like us? that would be cool and helpful. if I could start my own business, I want it to be mostly friendly/inclusive/accommodating to ND/disabled people. NTs/ableds have to follow our "rules" for once. a safe business/work space made for us, by us. it would be hard, but so beneficial to those involved 😭

#lee rambles #autistic #actually autistic #autism #adhd #neurodivergent #disabled #i want to move to canada with my closest friends who ACTUALLY WANT ME after visiting this month #theyre trying ti help figure it out but it's so hard when canada wants immigrant workers who can work skilled jobs and have degrees #and a ton of experience already. i am unskilled level 5 (lowest level) worker that does useless shit they dont seem to want 😭 #my dream job there is to open a physical (and online) shop in a tourist mountain town and get tourists to buy all my shit lmao #they open pockets easily so it seems like the best place to open shop and its where my freiends live. in a tourist town. #but how to open and run business and afford it???? 😭 #my biggest dream goal besides living with close comfortable found family is open a autistic/adhd friendly shop #where autistic/adhd and even ither ND and marginalized peoples can come and relax and be in a safe space #also ND friendly work!!! it will be owned and operated mostly by the found family but hire some other NDs/disabled people too! #and try our best to meet their needs and accommodate them and make it a great and fun place to work! its a family instead of a job! #why cant it be that simple tho 😭 #writing this was exhausting and took a cpuple hours so not proofreading and hope it makes sense and not too many typos

[alchemiclee]

what if I made an application for people to fill out to become my potential partner that helps me move to canada fbdndnej i dont get how people just meet someone and they start dating. I feel like I need a whole application and review and interview process to try to choose the best candidate ?????? 😅

#i feel like this is probably the most aroace thing ive come up with #but when i only judge people as potential partners by their aura/energy and how it interacts with mine..... #baaically how i feel around someone. if im comfortable and we match well. that makes it hard to know what i want in a partner? #if that makes sense. making an application form and thinking about actual characteristics could help #then the interview judges their energies #getting into canada seems impossible for me because im useless and they dont want me but if i had a partner there #its super easy. no braincells need to die. but it would also be nice to have a life partner too that actually matches me you know #the two friends i live with are partners and im their 3rd wheel but they really want me to live with them #and i cam help their financial situation with working so we can have our own place but another income would also help #why is this so hard. why am i useless with no degree or skills to get a skilled job work visas require #why am i unlovable and undateable and cant just easily scoop up a partner to make it easier #my one friend is on disability so she cant marry her gf so they keep saying i just marry her and get in that way #i am a bad liar and would ruin it but also feel bad because they do want to marry and id ruin the chance if it actually came? #like if laws chnaged and my friend can be on disability and also marry or we got good enough jobs to support her without it? #ugh i hate this. i just want to escape my shitty family and living situation. help their living situation. and LIVE WITH NY FOUND FAMILY #the type found family ive wanted in my for.....my whole life. the thing thats been my life goal since i was a lonely depressed child #byt of course they have to be in canada and im in the US and they dont make it easy to move there at all #lee rant #lee rambles #words

[pedge-page]

Personal thoughts / rant time below cut :

It's been a while since I had a good cry but last night was a big cry. I was thinking about how my fam were all talking about our performance reviews and my mom said she got 5/5 from her boss, and nothing less was expected given she works like 16 hours a day and is generating millions of dollars for her company that was on the verge of bankruptcy. My sister has hers yet to come but she too is extremely quick and has been working exceptionally hard at her job despite so many changes in her team forcing her to take on more responsibilities and learning on the fly.

Meanwhile I joked i got 3.8 or maybe 3.5 on my review out of 5. My manager has 4.2 listed as minimal expectations so pretty clear I'm performing below standard. Didn't really want to think about it so much when I had my performance meeting a month ago but it was the first time I mentioned it to my parents.

They got quiet and asked my sister to get me a new job since clearly I'm not reaching "my full potential". Not really sure why she keeps saying that when it's blatantly obvious I am in fact, not very much good at anything. She asked If I got a raise and I asked why would I get one?

I may have gotten a couple hundred dollars increase (from like 40,500 to now 41,100 salary I think as of this year. Was never discussed to me but I just check my employee portal and I think that it went up but not sure If that was considered a raise, or the company wanting to help all employees with housing).

Either way, my parents are also aware I do don't really do anything most days of work. I wander around the house because I "don't have much work today" and it's true. I get done with my assignments and then can "study" courses that are part of my long term goals (which I spend pretty much all in office days doing because I'm bored) but that gets me exhausted since I haven't the capacity to "study" and genuinely retain information since high school really.

Anyway my parents have been telling me everyday to look for a new job, and also look for a masters degree (in anything but clearly business), and also look at volunteer work, and consider getting a second job on the weekends. She suggested a career coach but I've backed off from that because what use if they ask me what I want to do with my life --because my genuine answer is nothing.

I've barely given any of it thought because I just don't want to. I have no motivation to improve. I dont have dreams or goals in life. No abitions or passions. My "hobbies" dont really bring joy--they just distract me from my responsibilities. I'm clearly not good at anything and it feels like an insult every time my mom lectures me (every day for 2 years now) about my "potential" and "gifts and skills I need to share with the world" so i need to find a new job that challenges me becuase I'm so "smart" and "too advanced".

I have to avoid eye contact with her because it physically hurts to be told such BS especially since none of my family even know why my job or company is / does. Ma'am if I had such potential, it'd be in use. Plz stop.

Anyway. Big cry last night and scribbling in my journal what a useless (and fat--let's not forget fat) fuck I am and have been and always will be.

[thesovereignsring-if]

There's no excuses for what Shitrick did, but oh well he's protected by the plot and author and not forced to be incompetent like mc with a bunch of shit excuses for why mc is the most useless character in the game. It doesn't even make any damn sense people mc's age are skilled lol

Oh no, baby is a little pressed aren’t we?

Eirik is not protected by the plot. He’s literally framed as the main antagonist, it’ll take plot armor to keep him alive and the goes the same for a lot of people in the cast. All he’s got going for him is a lot of money and family blood. Anything else beyond that was Eirik’s own hard work.

He’s also five years older than the MC, who is only eighteen. Think a little about how much a person and learn and grow in that time.

In fact let’s put it into a more modern example so its more clear. Within four to five years, someone can go to a post secondary institution and develop all the skills they need for their career, get an internship and or continue it. It’s like comparing someone with a full bachelor degree versus the a person who just fresh out of high school. That feels unfair doesn’t it?

Now, the only characters truly around the MC’s age we’ve met so far are Finny and Thea. And they are don’t compare to the literal veterans in their fields either. You really think Finny can take on Sieg and survive? Ha. Wait until you meet him. Yes Thea, is talented, yes she had a jump start at magic, but that’s because she’s a product of her environment, just like the MC is and Thea is VERY aware of how powerless she really is. If she went up against someone like Medea or Rothbart in battle, she’s dead. End of story.

Since you referenced my replies in previous asks,(very old asks now that I think about it) I can assume you’ve must have read a lot of what I’ve written, so i am astounded at your ability to not comprehend the kind of story this is…or you do, but still choose to follow and be upset when it remains to be exactly what I say it’s going to be.

How many times do I have to say it without saying it directly that the MC is the underdog? Their biggest disadvantage is that this succession crisis begins right at the beginning of their adult life? The audience for this game is 18+ surely you have enough media literacy to understand this.

If you cannot accept these fact then I will kindly ask you and your power tripping kind to leave. The story is written in a fashion that there is a lot of grey and nuance between the characters and their upbringing and the conflict. Eirik is an antagonist, but his flaws are rooted in his backstory that is written to be sympathetic and human, because he IS human. But god, if you cannot handle Eirik, you’ll barely be able to handle the rest of the cast.

If you cannot understand or have sympathy for a boy who’s lashing out because people are trying to forget his father was brutally murdered in a civil war by his own family, then everything else is going to fly over your head and your going to have a bad time- and honestly look stupid when you come crying into my inbox. Step outside and talk to some people, you could gain some emotional intelligence, it’ll do you some good.

This is not a power fantasy. You’re not going to get all powerful and trample over people to get your way. No, you’re going to have to make alliances, understand the MC is only one person in an conflict involving an Empire. The MC is going to be feeling a lot of negative feelings because their human like everyone else who has flaws and weakness.

I will never change my story to appease you so you’re talking to a wall. If you can’t handle that, you’ll be happier if you leave, unfollow, rate the game no stars.

This is the last time I’ll be replying to a comment like this because honestly, you and I have better things to do.

#answered asks #tsr #power fantasy squad is still being clowns #I hope people realize that everyone in the cast is only capable of so much as a single person #even the Empress is held back on what she can and cannot do #and I killed her! #just wait and see who’s next on the chopping block idiots

[ipreferfiction]

Jiggy.

MY SPECIAL LITTLE GUY MY BLORBO LOVE OF MY LIFE. i am insane about him. he is the character of all time

My first impression: huh. i don't know what's going on here but he seems interesting and competent.

My impression now: i would kill and die for him. he is my favorite character in mdzs and one of my favorites EVER. he has so many layers!! a-yao....

Favorite thing about that character: he's COMPETENT. to an absolutely insane degree. learning what he did about cultivation from shitty useless manuals and forming a golden core as an older teenager/young adult takes an INSANE amount of talent, not to mention HENSHENG??? he is the only (named?) character to have a soft sword, he's adapted bits of fighting styles from multiple major sects, and he's skilled enough with Hensheng that at some point he has shattered multiple spiritual weapons with it. he was a spy under WEN FUCKING RUOHAN for months. he and wwx are entirely responsible for winning the sunshot campaign and he dealt the final blow. also what he did with the song of turmoil?? equally insane amount of talent.

Least favorite thing: the Bad TakesTM. he attracts them like FLIES

Favorite line/scene: Lan Xichen! In this life, I’ve lied countless times, killed countless times. Like you said, I killed my father, my brother, my wife, my son, my teacher, my friend—of all the evil in the world, what haven’t I done?!...But I’ve never even thought of harming you!

i am very normal about them.

honestly his entire Guanyin Temple showing is nuts in the best way and i am chewing on him. close seconds are him on the stairs of Jinlintai looking at Nie Mingjue and going, of course they and I are different! the utter RESIGNATION of it. the truth of it!! he will never be treated like the rest of the cultivation world, he knows it, and Mingjue can't see it like he does!

Favorite interaction that character has with another: every time he and xichen are on screen or on page together is just. so nuts. the box scene. guanyin temple (god!!!!!!!!!! augh). everything cql added in.

A character that I wish that character would interact with more: Qin Su!! she needs more time anyway but god their relationship is SO TRAGIC and i love looking at AUs where the whole marriage can be avoided and there aren't lasting scars left on both jgy and qs from. you know. accidentally marrying your half sibling because your shared father is a rapist. also, we get zero real looks at how their relationship is before everything goes south and it pains me.

Another character from another fandom that reminds me of that character: this is so fucking hard oh my god. there are bits of He Xuan and Ling Wen that i see in him, i think? especially the. "i was born the same day as you and i am cleverer than you but my life was a tragedy and yours was perfect, so why was I not worthy of the same fate you were? why did I get nothing when you got everything?" and the "you know what? I am tired of cleaning up your messes. i am going to cause problems now." he also... i cannot explain this one but his vibes are very similar to Alexander of Tirragen from the Song of the Lioness quartet in my mind. i genuinely truly cannot comprehend WHY those two are associated in my brain, but they are.

A headcanon about that character: he was in love with Xichen and Xichen was in love with him. god bless the cql xiyao agenda.

A song that reminds of that character: lying beast by run river north - it reminds me very much of what he would think of himself esp. towards the end (and guanyin temple)

An unpopular opinion about that character: he and Mingjue's relationship could not have been fixed, or at least not without considerable effort on Mingjue's part, post-Sunshot and especially around the time of the stairs before JGY starts playing turmoil. JGY did not need to put more effort into it! he was already putting effort into it! Mingjue's worldview is fundamentally incompatible with JGY's existence, frankly. It never mattered how hard he tried to mend the relationship because Mingjue would always see him as a liar who was trying to manipulate him, and the sworn brotherhood was not a good idea, Xichen, good god.

Favorite picture: all of them but especially these. i support his wrongs (he has never done anything wrong ever in his life). he is the prettiest man alive and yet!! he suffers! but oh god his thousand yard stare after Mingjue kicks him down the stairs...

#answered asks #jin guangyao #mdzs

[unofficial-sean]

So, I saw this meme pop up in a Discord server and it is sending me for reasons I could not articulate in front of a live studio audience, so I’m going to articulate it here, instead.

The layman sees this and laughs because “lol banana taped to wall is not art. blank canvases are not art.” Which is fair. I’m not here to argue what is and isn’t “bad art.” The meaning and value you extract from art is subjective, regardless of the artist’s skill or intentions; regardless of critiques of technique or composition. I don’t find a banana taped to a wall to be particularly moving, and that’s fine.

The issue here is the text. Read it again. “Without a single degree, they created art that inspired generations. . . and then the artists with degrees arrived.”

This is an anti-intellectual statement. This is clearly saying: “Education is useless.” Specifically: “Art education is useless.” It specifically targets the world of fine art and abstract art, which often is either used to launder money, or requires introspection and contemplation to extract meaning from, respectively. It’s art that doesn’t immediately take shape and therefor it’s bad and not worth existing.

This view that art has to be realistic, defined, and easily digestible runs rampant in conservative spheres.

It’s the idea that art is purely mechanical. Art can’t be political, it cant’ express complex thoughts or feelings. And art that tries to is disregarded and bad art, or not being art at all. It could be a poster, a movie, a sculpture, a book; any medium, really.

This meme also aligns with more authoritarian perspectives. That art is a tool. Arts function is as propaganda, and any art that counters the narrative of the ruler is bad art, or not art at all.

But the layman doesn’t see this subtext. They see art that doesn’t compute and go “i guess art education is useless.” The idea that college education is worthless is and idea used often to suppress progressive ideas or climate science. Medical science, too. It’s hard enough on matter-of-fact areas of study, but in creative fields, it’s worse.

In areas like literature and English, or art and film, what you often learn along the way is critical thinking skills. In music and art history, you will find yourself examining and dissecting works to understand them. It involves looking at media and reading between the lines. Considering it not only for what you can directly observes. That’s really important. That’s what makes art engaging and fulfilling. If all art had to offer was only what you could see or hear, society would be bored. It would be soulless.

So that’s why this meme rubbed me the wrong way. And before anyone says “it’s just a meme, chill,” consider that even if you know better, frequent exposure to ideas normalizes them. They start to not sound as extreme or distressing. Ideas like this are passively harmful, and you should be aware of that.

Feel free to critique my analysis or add onto it. That’s the beauty of humanity. Agree with me. Disagree with me. Make your case. Stop and think about something and tell me why you think I’m whatever it is you think I am.

And one last thing: Has the creator of this meme ever seen work from college educated artists??? It’s not all abstract, I promise you. It’s good shit. And also: you don’t need to be college educated to be an artist, and you can find success without it. I’m not arguing that you need an education in art to be good.

#art #film #writing #meme

[troglobite]

no it’s fine

the one job that i wanted to apply to earlier this year that stopped accepting applications finally opened it again and gave me early access bc i asked to be alerted

and you have to take a language quiz and pass in order to apply

and i thought oh i should be fine

and then i start taking it and it’s hard

and i’m not sure and i’m second guessing myself and idk what’s going on and i should’ve just gone back to check all of my answers before submitting why didn’t i do that why didn’t i google more things why didn’t i search and read about stuff why did i waste two fucking college degrees on this shit when i’m too stupid and incompetent for it

i talk abt knowing stuff abt language but i’m reading these sentences and they’re pull out the ones that don’t have any errors and i’m struggling to find anything i would call an error and i’m realizing just how fucking stupid i am how useless i am

i haven’t learned anything i have no valid job experience i have literally nothing going for me

i’m fucking pathetic. i’m not hirable. i’m not skilled. i’ve learned NOTHING and i’m utterly fucking useless. 

i’m not qualified for ANYTHING. i’m so tired.

i failed the fucking entrance quiz. 

i failed it.

60.5/100 and minimum passing is 80

i can’t even apply for the job

“better luck next year”

i need a job NOW

and so i went looking for bullshit data entry stuff like my therapist keeps fucking harping on about “just get a job that’s entry level bullshit that’s not relevant to what you do at all”

they’re almost all full time and when they’re not they have REQUIREMENTS that I CANNOT FULFILL

and i don’t mean shit that white men would ignore i mean like DEGREES and ACTUAL PROVABLE SKILLS like no i cannot type 10 key 60 wpm without looking

i timed myself and i tried

i have to look

and it was like 30 wpm if that

i know i should’ve used the keypad thing but i couldn’t find it and just

the point is i’m not even qualified for THAT shit

so then i’m desperate and looking for online writing center jobs

i keep finding ones that seem interesting but THE JOBS AREN’T FUCKING REAL the internet just scrubs job postings and then shares them with incorrect and out of date information after they’ve already been filled

i have TWO job applications in right now that i’m waiting to hear about and one is DEFINITELY not going to happen bc it’s PRH and the other i’m still fucking waiting to hear back about but considering how badly i failed this fucking writing/language quiz i’m not going to get this job either

and so the only online tutor jobs i found (bc that’s all that i am barely fucking qualified for) either don’t pay well, have shitty hours, or just. have requirements or job duties i don’t like or whatever.

and i’m probably not going to get those, either.

i have nothing going for me. nothing left. i have no marketable skills. i really, really TRULY am not meant for this world. 

i can’t do anything right. i’m a waste of space time and energy

i’m sorry to everyone who’s had to bother with me at all. i try really hard to only add things to ppls’ lives and i fail at that constantly. i’m sorry. i do try. but it’s very evident that nothing i do is enough. 

i’ve said it before i’ll say it again i’m like a video game build that was made to be completely useless

like a combat-based game and you built a character that’s only kind of good at like. the cooking portion of the game. like not even good enough to get even XP or something to eventually be able to make a good fighting build. like it’s useless. utterly useless.

like how did i fuck up at life so fucking badly. i fucked up so hard. i’m literally just a complete and utter failure. i wish i was dead so much of the time.

i can’t believe i woke up yesterday so excited that this company was hiring again and i got all hyped up to go take the quiz today and got ready to get my application in order and everything just started crumbling the further i got through the quiz and then the score came up and i’ve just been a mess since then

but it’s fine i’m a disgusting garbage failure of a human anyway i don’t deserve sympathy, i did this to myself. i’m the idiot that wasted their pathetic disgusting little life doing this shit and not being able to contribute to anything or earn money or justify their existence at all. 

[xo-cuteplosion-xo]

Asorted ADA x Reader | The "happy" friend

BSD misc. Reader insert

Warnings- mentions of suicidal thoughts. Mentions of Verbal and mild physical abuse.

The happy co-worker, happy friend, happy ex, happy girlfriend. No matter what you pushed it on to yourself. So many of your peers had it worse. Look at Dazai, he manages to smile and joke despite his pain. You thought you could do it too. So, that’s what you did. Since you joined the agency. You never let them see you break down. They never got to see you cry. They never got to see you under anything but happy. Even if you were annoyed, you held onto your smile. There were so many orphans among your mighty crew of detectives. The ones you were the closest to, you confirmed them to be orphans from a young age. Dazai, parentless at 14. He may have been an orphan for even longer than that. You just know he didn’t have any at 14. Then there was Atsushi, who had lived his whole childhood abused in an orphanage. Kyoka, she lost her parents to her ability. The others you were not too sure about, but the sneaking suspicion this organization was full of gifted orphans, was high.

Then there was you. A girl, no older than Dazai. Not the best looking, at least that’s what you told yourself. The others had no idea about your insecurities regarding your body. Maybe you were too tall, too short, too thin, too fat. Some days were better than others. Some days the situation flipped. There was always something you could nit-pick about yourself. Your mind wandered constantly back to the words of your parents. “Not skinny enough, too skinny. Not fit enough, but don’t be too fit. Men don’t like to be threatened.” you had parents. Maybe they weren't the best but you had parents. They were a bit abusive with words but never had they placed a finger on you. Well, there were a few times but it was normal right? For a parent to lose their cool and lash out once or twice, maybe even a handful of times over the years. They judged you for your choice of occupation and the people you hung around. They called you out on outfits and the way you acted. That’s why you were here now. Far from them, but their words still haunted you. In truth, you feared them but wanted their approval.

Today, you stood with your coworkers finishing up the latest job. You hummed in your outfit. It covered your arms, which you already bandaged but wanted to keep that a secret. The things you did to keep this false joy were extreme. The things you took in impacted your state. Listening to Atsushi, holding Kyoka when she broke down. Hell, you were even there to scold Dazai and occasionally listen to his drunk words. The tales of how much he had suffered broke you. Even Kunikida learned to confide in you. He would tell you about his stress, and the pain he felt about past mistakes that resulted in his ideals being missed or broken. There was nobody in the agency who didn’t trust you with their problems. To them, you had none. They were okay with talking to you. They felt better after talking to you. That’s how it worked.

Biting the inside of your cheek, your feet moved to Kunikida. You knew he’d want to talk about this one. He hated seeing people killed before his eyes. He’d already nearly beaten Dazai for letting the boy die. Atsushi was off in the corner, fidgeting around with the tight atmosphere. You had arrived a little too late to prevent the death of the kidnapped child. Things like this happened, mistakes were bound to happen but… they had larger effects on some than they did on others. Dazai was facing the wall, his hands in fists. His head against the wall. You could tell he was blaming himself. Atsushi just felt awkward being here. “Kunikida?” you whispered trying to keep a joyful yet soft tone to your voice. Your hand reached out to tap his shoulder only for him to slap it away with a heavy glare.

“How can you smile like that? Somebody died in front of us and all you do is smile! You're always smiling no matter what happens! Do you even understand what’s going on right now? We failed (Y/n). Do you need somebody to explain to you what you should be doing right now?” his voice kept raising pitch by pitch. It sent flashes along your eyes. The way your father's voice would start soft and gradually get louder by the second, until he slammed a fist against the wall and screamed at you. Those yells always ended in the verbal assault. The comments on your form, the comments on your social life, and the useless degrees and jobs you had.

The wince you suppressed went unnoticed. The shaking of your hands is easily hidden behind you. Hands clasped together as your eyes trailed Kunikida. His body stood towering over you. Heavily glaring as he turned away. “I just wanted to make sure you were alright.” you tilted your head to play this off with a smile.

It was no help to your situation. He pushed past you, heading for the building exit he froze in the doorway. “We have to go tell a parent we failed to save a child's life. Do you understand how hard that is for a parent? How could I be alright? How can any of us be alright?” he was one step from overfilling your glass. The cracks forming were starting to show. Your eyes unable to meet his eyes. “You can be heartless and an idiot at times. Smiling in the presence of death.” there it was, the same words you had gotten at your grandmother's funeral. You’d tried to stay strong for your mother. You only knew how to smile. You knew no other way of staying strong. Hearing it from a friend sent you into overdrive.

“Shut up.” you hissed through clenched teeth.

This time Atsushi seemed to join in. shocked by your sudden negativity. He had never seen you like this. None of them had ever seen you drop a smile. “Are you mad?” Atsushi asked before you shook it off and smiled.

“Huh? Of course not! I'm just as normal as ever! I don’t know what you mean? Did I seem mad? Sorry, guess I just let that slip. I meant to say you shouldn’t assume I'm heartless, just cause I'm still… happy! I feel the pain you guys feel over this! I just think we should move over this!” giving a closed smile, Kunikida's raised voice washed over the room again.

“Move past?! We could have saved them if we had been a bit faster in getting here! The kid wasn’t supposed to die! Stop smiling and grasp the situation! Stop being insensitive to your acting just like Dazai does sometimes!” Were you that bad? Was it really that bad to just want to stay happy? “You have everything perfect, you can’t even grasp the situation!” you couldn’t do this anymore. His words were starting to turn from accusations to frustration. He was taking his pain out on you. Instead of doing it in the kind form he normally used, he was using anger to express how hurt he was right now.

Unable to take any more of the words he spat, you dropped it all. His words were getting on the triggering side. The words he spat slowly started to inch closer and closer to your parents' words. Words that made you have to act like this. “I can’t do this anymore,” you whispered trying to keep your tears locked inside. It was useless though. The container shattered as his words brushed by your ears. Faded and fuzzy, the world drifted away. You were pulled back into the world by a brunette. His slender hands shaking your shoulders. You shoved him away glaring.

“Woah, she’s pissed,” Atsushi whispered before you shook your head looking at the ceiling, you smiled.

“No Atsushi, I'm sad, for lack of a better word. I want to walk up the stairs of a very tall building and dive into nothingness. I want to lay down with a bottle of whiskey and drink myself into sweet relief. I want to look in the mirror and like the way I look. I want to walk to my parents with the courage to tell them I'm perfect no matter what I look like. I want to tell them that what I do for a living makes me strong. I want to have the strength to shout and tell them I don't need a man to dictate my life. I want to scream at them that the only man I want is a man who isn’t afraid of a fierce, strong, and independent woman.” the words fell from your lips as your tears fell. They fell through your smile. The happy look stuck to your face.

“(y/n)...” Kunikida started before you chuckled, closing his sentence off.

“Aren't I just perfect? I hate my body, I hate my personality. I hate everything about myself. I hate my gift, nobody would like the real me. Nobody knows the real me. Hell, I don't even know the real me. I am nothing without my smile. But… it's okay as long as I can keep smiling! I can just fake it until it's real. I fooled all of you, didn’t I? I really seemed happy! Even I was starting to think I was! But then, I get home, look in the mirror, and all I can see is a useless shell.” your voice stopped before you were wrapped in bandaged arms. Those arms ran over your back to pull at your arms. Concerned hazel brushing skilled tender fingers under the cloth of your sleeves. Those fingers dancing over the white cloth. His hair falling over his now darkened eyes.

“You too…” he whispered just as you yanked away your arms and held them, still keeping a smile.

Of course, he had to lift your spirits just a bit. So, as you looked away unable to meet his gaze, he got to one knee and pulled your hand to him with a smirk. Kunikida facepalmed realizing the words the brunette would spout next. “Dazai, this was a crime scene. Are you seriously going to… I'm going to kill you!” he shouted stomping over to you two.

Dazai’s eyes met yours as he put his playful smile on. “Would you commit a double suicide with me~?” he hummed before being shoved into a wall. “Kunikidaaaaa! Why would you do something so cruel?!” he dramatically put a hand over his chest and his other hand on his forehead. Kunikida clicked his tongue, turning to you. His eyes reflected only guilt, as if your outburst had been all his fault. Even if you had been dying to talk to somebody about the crumbling emotions for months.

“I’ll think about it, Dazai-san!” you playfully responded to his request. For a moment you truly did feel a flutter of joy.

“I swear if you start doing his habits, I will add to your paperwork!” the worst kind of threat. A threat that made both you and Dazai cringe but chuckle.

“We should get going.” you hummed looking up to the ceiling again. “We do have a family to comfort.” Everybody fell serious and nodded.

#bsd x reader #armed detective agency #x reader #bungo stray dogs x reader #fluffy angst

[meimae]

Language Learning Through Immersion: One Year Japanese Update

11/03/2021

I did it, you guys! I’ve successfully reached my very first year of Japanese language immersion! I honestly thought that I would have given up by now, but this really has been a fun and ultimately rewarding endeavor.

Studying the language has been at the back of my mind for years since elementary school, I just never really knew how to go about it before, and I always thought that I could learn it in a classroom setting someday. That someday for me was in two elective courses in university, and while those were fun as well, it did not give me the same gains that I have achieved in this past year.

It’s probably easier to quantify learning a language in a classroom setting, especially when going through a program to earn a language degree. Learning through immersion, however, I had to really consider what my goals should be on my own. Eventually, I stumbled upon an article saying that for an English speaker, Japanese was exceptionally difficult to learn and that at least 2,200 hours must be spent with the language to reach a certain level of proficiency. So I said to myself, “well okay internet, if you say so!”, and set that as my long term goal going forward.

Spoiler Alert: I did not hit that goal in my first year. I am not crazy and will never listen to Japanese in my sleep regardless of what Khatzumoto (the creator of All Japanese All the Time) says. 

I did, however, hit a total 1,226.65 active immersion hours in my first year, so I guess I’m still a bit nuts. That is 874.96 hours of active listening and 351.69 reading hours. I also did 270.59 hours of passive listening, also known as the time in the very beginning of my immersion where I was using Japanese subtitles (therefore not really concentrating on listening alone). That’s a cumulative 1,497.24 hours spent with Japanese. That’s more than halfway towards my goal! 

To further break that down for curious animanga fans out there, that’s 973 episodes from 109 anime, 765 episodes from 33 dramas, 7 movies, and 967 chapters from 107 volumes of manga (21 series). Here’s my anilist and mydramalist to see what I’ve read/watched.

During all this, I was also doing my daily Anki reps and now I have a 530 day SRS streak (includes the time prior starting immersion and only doing RTK and some vocabulary cards) and a total 8,857 sentence cards. I’ve been averaging 406 cards daily (because I’m trying to cure my leeches) and I spend about an hour per day doing reps and learning new cards. I don’t really track my time on Anki, but I do have a set timer that goes off after 1-1:30 hours.

What I haven’t touched upon at all is output. I have not gone out of my way to find a tutor or a language partner. There’s still plenty of input out there to immerse in before I even consider outputting.

Graphs, stats, and more thoughts:

Here's my current card count in my main deck (minus the cards in my new/learning queue and leeches I've been relearning which are in separate decks):

That one day in 2019 where I did not do my cards because I was seriously doubting whether I can actually stick with language learning this time around will forever haunt and inspire me to keep going everyday.

Workflow and Tips

You might be wondering, how do I have a lot of time? I started this whole endeavor in the middle of a pandemic, which eliminated the option of me going to a language school, and a slew of other things I were considering doing last year became impossible (and if anything, very scary to do in a pandemic). All I can say is that, things work out eventually if it is His will, and if I can learn a skill before everything properly settles back down again, then why not? 

I wake up at 5 in the morning everyday to either do my Anki reps or read until the time when I need to get up and I listen to compressed audio throughout the day. The biggest tip is to switch the time you spend watching/reading in your native language to your target language instead. Listen to a podcast during your commute, watch an episode during lunch break, read before going to bed, do your Anki reps in the bathroom if you have to. 

But, if you’re feeling burnt out, there is no reason for you to not take a break! I have been watching a lot of Among Us streams before bed, and I chat with my friends from time to time. Language learning is not a race.

More Stats

Here are a couple of grids of the kanji characters that I have encountered at least once in my immersion and how well I have answered them in my vocabulary/sentence cards.

It's interesting that after almost 9000 words, I have yet to encounter every single character from the Remembering the Kanji 1 (RTK 1) book by James Heisig, which teaches you the most common use characters that are part of the 常用漢字. Which brings me to the question, was writing down every single character being taught in RTK worth it every time it came up in my reviews for the first 3-ish months I was reviewing them? Maybe, maybe not. It certainly removed my anxiety whenever looking at blocks of text in Japanese, but the longer I think about it, the more I feel I should have switched to Recognition RTK earlier. Still, being able to write in proper stroke order is cool I guess, and it also helps me when looking things up in the dictionary.

Here’s the same grid but in JLPT order:

I clearly need to grind those N2 and N1 level cards! Speaking of which, I have apparently almost covered every single character that could possibly appear in the JLPT (except for the N1 which I have only covered half of) in just a year's time. If the JLPT word frequency lists I’m using are accurate, I have about 2,000 words more to go to to cover most vocabulary that could appear in the test. This makes the "10,000 sentences/words to fluency" argument a reasonable milestone to aim for for Japanese learners if said aim is only to pass the test. That said, 10,000 words is just that, a milestone. It's more akin to a comfortable level of comprehension, but not my own concept of fluency which is being able to read with ease, speak articulately, and write comfortably.

READING IMMERSION GRAPHS

My biggest motivation for tracking my stats is for the purpose of seeing whether my reading speed is improving over time. Reading speed is also easier to measure than listening comprehension which is kind of subjective, so I had a lot of fun making these. What I found is that for the first volume or chapter of whatever it is I’m reading, I always take the time to get used to the writing style of the author. My speed really improves whenever I keep reading the same topic over and over again. On the other hand and quite obviously, looking up many new words in a row and trying to parse sentences slows me down.

Manga: Reading Speed Progression per Volume

I clearly love ちはやふる and I am not ashamed to admit it.

I need to start reading longer manga. When I do, I’ll probably split this graph into less than and greater than 20 volumes. Imagine if I start reading something ridiculously long as 名探偵コナン or ワンピース, these graphs will start breaching the bounds of time and space.

Novels: Time Spent Reading per Chapter

#neverforget the time I read chapter six of Norwegian Wood for 9 hours when it took me less than half that time in English RIP. Also, my interest in Kitchen plummeted LOL. Still planning to finish it don’t worry. 

I also need to start branching away from manga and start reading more novels and light novels, too just so I can make more pretty graphs.

Visual Novels: Time Spent Reading and Daily Word Count

Also known as images that clearly show that I’ve already spent several days only reading the prologue of Island. I’m not sweating. 切那 needs to stop using words I don’t know in succession. More thoughts on this VN far into the future.

Thoughts on Immersion

I can’t really say anything else other that that it works for me, and needless to say if you’re considering this method, remember that the SRS is your friend but immersion should be your one true love.

Prior to all this, I couldn’t even read a sample paragraph from Genki without being confused to my very soul. Yes, I know, it’s embarrassing, but that’s the truth. I was way more scared of failing my Japanese classes than my actual thesis for my bachelors degree, I kid you not. I would quite literally spend all my free time in university trying to understand grammar, memorize vocabulary, and answer my workbook exercises with little to no success. 

I tried so hard to get all the grammar “formulas” into my head for 1.5 years and it only brought me more confusion. I’m never going back to traditional classroom study for language learning, but I will still refer to grammar books when I need to, and not because I feel like I need to answer 4783342 different workbook exercises like my life depended on it.

I still can’t believe it, but with immersion this statement is actually true to a point, don’t try shadowing anime/or calling your boss anime language slurs, use your common sense:

study anime to understand Japanese > study Japanese to understand anime 

Future Goals/Plans

2,200 immersion hours was my initial goal, but honestly I feel like that number could be much higher. There’s still a lot of stuff I don’t understand (news, politics, sciences, etc.), so I’ll make attempts to cover more of those things in my immersion. 

I’ll continue reading more, because that’s a natural SRS in itself. Try to read longer manga, more novels, visual novels, and light novels, and maybe news articles. 

I’ll try to mine as much “JLPT vocab” as I can before making any attempts at taking the JLPT. I noticed that a lot of the words I know don’t appear in the JLPT word lists as much, even though they appear a lot in media/daily conversation. 

Continue mining all words I don’t know because all words are useful anyway. There is no such thing as useless words. I never really understood mining only “interesting words” or words that “pop up” in your immersion. As I said in my previous blog post, 美人局 is an interesting word and I certainly caught it being said in my immersion, but in the three languages I know, I wouldn’t know when I would be able to use such a word, as compared to something like ジャガイモ which is a significantly less interesting word, but is certainly useful to know. 

_

I have managed to talk up a storm, but if you have any questions regarding my process or recommendations for new immersion material, please feel free to send an ask/reply to this post. I love hearing about other people’s language learning/immersion journeys. 

See you on my next post!

#language learning #japanese language #language acquisition #study blog #langblr #studyblr #graphs #language immersion #japanese #visual novels #manga #novels #anime #dramas #movies #youtube #podcasts

[kyidyl]

Kyidyl Does Archaeology - Part 1

About me, and about the site.

I’m gonna have to do this in parts because I tend to be, uh...wordy.  Actually...ok, so I believe very strongly that knowledge does no one any good behind a paywall, but I also have a hard time parsing it down for social media because, well, people are complex but also ADHD.  So if you guys have any feedback for me that’d be awesome.  I’ll probably do these as a series so they don’t get overwhelming to read.  Tag for ‘em will be kyidylCL

A caveat to all of these posts: archaeologists walk a fine line between “I’d love to tell you about this and here look at this cool thing” and “I don’t want to share a colleague’s forthcoming paper on social media before they publish it and also fuck looters”. We classify anyone who *isn’t* an archaeologist as a looter.  Because even when you find artefacts just lying around, as soon as you pick them up they’re removed from context and become near-useless for scientific research and data.  When we remove them we capture all that information via a prescribed methodology.  When other people remove them they tend not to.  And you can tell how legit someone is by how much they care about the context.  Context is key, that’s why we’re so meticulous.  Anyway so I can’t tell you where the site is specifically because I’m not allowed.  I also, though, have been heavily involved in this project so I’m mostly going to be telling you about my own research so it’s ok to publish it on social media.  Anyway, that’s why if you show an archaeologist something you just like found they’ll be like “gee...thanks...well...I don’t want to squelch your curiosity, buuuuuut...” 

A little bit of background on my involvement with this site: I’m a newly minted archaeologist.  I’ve had my MS a little over a year, and I’ve been doing things in that time to keep up my skills and get the field hours I need to be a registered state archaeologist (it’s basically just like a professional license for archs.) bc I didn’t get enough in school and my dissertation is on genetics and cannibalism (and if you want to know about *that* I’ll tell you, but in another post.), so yeah.  Anyway.  I’ve been volunteering with the local archaeology society, and they’re great.  They found this site because two of the members grew up in the area and just knew of its existence.  So I volunteer with them and am one of like 3 people they know who have a degree so I get to be really involved - probably more than I would be otherwise just cause people with my credentials are in short supply for them.  I’m basically the only member with a degree, and the rest are consultants they bring in for stuff like this (including the RSA who works the site - the site director.).  

Before a site can be dug there’s a lot of prep work involved.  It varies based on what kind of money you’ve got and access.  We have lots of access - it’s on private land owned by someone who is childhood friends with a member of the arch society - but almost zero money.  Before I showed up, in summer 2018, they did a series of what are called shovel tests.  Basically there’s a grid laid over the site and where the grid lines intersect they dug a round pit down to what archaeologists call “the sterile layer”, IE, where there’s no evidence of human activity.  Basically, you dig small holes to see if it’s worth digging big holes and in this case it was worth it.  

When I started working with them, I took all of the material from the test pits and sorted and catalogued it.  We’ll come back to this in the next post, so remember this.  Pause.  

I forgot to tell you where the site was.  Like not specifically, I can’t do that, but I CAN tell you that it’s in the Shenandoah valley.  Wanna see pics? Yeah, you wanna see pics (I took all of the images I’m gonna be posting so I give myself permission to post them. :P): 

The site is too big to get in one pic, but this is the far end looking towards the mountain.  The field continues off to the left of the shot.  

Here’s a nicer pic of the mountain: 

And another one cause it’s super pretty: 

And here’s my view when we’re eating lunch:

And here’s an artsy shot of the cows I pass on my way in, because who doesn’t love cows? ;) 

The site has been occupied for a long time (how long? Well, that’ll happen in the pottery post soooorry. ;), and I think you guys can see why.  It’s also on a slight ridge overlooking a river so it’s near fresh water, easily defensible, and is fertile.  Speaking of which... 

It’s also what archaeologists call “highly disturbed”. See, after the colonizers drove the natives out of the Blue Ridge mountains, they started farming the fertile land in the valley.  This site was farmed for several decades, and not only that but during the civil war they dug a big ‘ole defensive trench through the middle of it.  So whilst farming disturbs the finds, it tends to a, only be a max of 15 inches deep and b, keep the finds in the same relative area they’re pulled out of.  And we can tell where that layer ends (I’ll show you that in the post about our pits bc I don’t think Tumblr will let me add more pics.), so even though it destroys features and damages things it’s a lot less destructive than, say....building a giant war trench and shooting at each other.  

The site is an entire settlement.  It’s...several acres in size.  There are burial cairns in the woods around it, and some rumors that human remains have been found there in the past - although we have not, as of yet, found any (much to my personal dismay because, well...bioarchaeologist.). 

So who lived here? Well, when the colonizers drove out the natives they didn’t exactly keep good records about who lived where, but generally speaking the site is on both Massawomeck and Manahoac land. We don’t know which group lived there, and there were other groups coming and going in the general area so it could have also been Piscataway or Potomac or even one of the later nations that formed the Iroquois.  Based on the age though I think the best candidates are the Massawomeck or Manahoac.  

Next up, the prep work I did for the site and dig! 

(aaaahhhhhh hopefully I didn’t forget anything. x.x)

#archaeology #native american #history #science #kyidylCL

[lovelyirony]

sweeter than honey (redux)

Pepper Potts did not exactly mean to become a criminal. Really, she still doesn’t think she is. 

But here are the facts: 

1.) She has broken several laws in pursuit of funds that do not belong to her. 

2.) The FBI would like to talk to her about several things and potentially put her under arrest. 

3.) She can no longer go to her regular coffee shop because the barista snitched and told them her name, as well as her occupation. 

Pepper broke several laws because the company she was working for (Stane International) was technically breaking laws, but laws that do not apply to corporations because corporations do this thing called “funding campaigns” and also sometimes “doing favors.” 

She decided to do the same and suddenly she is a criminal. Not her fault she redistributed money back into the community, and now they can’t get any of it back. 

It’s just how that worked out. 

She’s been staying at a hotel that serves many questionable individuals each month, and it has an indoor pool and a three-star rating on the latest travel website. 

It’s nondescript, not her style, and she’s currently in the bathroom having a crisis because she most likely needs to dye her hair. 

She’s vain. Pepper knows she is, has known it since high school when she trimmed her hair and cried. Her hair, by all accounts, is gorgeous. It’s a shiny strawberry-blonde that makes her look like an ice queen in winter and a mysterious fairy queen in summer. 

She does not want to dye it. But here she is with an eight dollar box of dye and thoughts in her head. 

And then her hotel door opens. 

Not supposed to do that, but that’s what happens when you’re in a three-star hotel. 

She is also in old athletic shorts that have most definitely seen better days and a tank top that was a last-minute buy from the nearest store, and it does not suit her at all. 

Facing her is a man with an odd beard, tinted sunglasses, and a graphic t-shirt over a blazer. 

“So. You pissed off Stane Industries,” he drawls. “I’m impressed. Usually they just sweep their little problems under the rug.” 

“I’ll sweep you under one if you’d like,” Pepper offers, wondering how quickly a blowdryer can knock someone out. She’s not sure how well-made the hotel one is. Probably not very. 

“I’m not here to kill you,” the man says. He takes off his sunglasses. His eyes are a nice shade of brown, not that you’re supposed to notice that about a potential enemy. Pepper is just that skilled. 

“Then what are you here to do? Make me move to Florida?” 

“No, the opposite. We’re staying here. I’m offering you a job position of helping me take down Obadiah Stane and the company itself.” 

“Who would I be working with?” 

“Anthony Stark.” 

Pepper stills. 

She read the news when she was in college, same time as Tony Stark. Went missing in the car crash, no one found his body. Temperatures were freezing, he was wearing a tuxedo. The chances were that he froze to death somewhere that they didn’t find yet. 

Chances were. What an odd little phrase. 

“So, you made it out.” 

“Not as hard as people say it seems to be, Virginia.” 

“Call me Pepper, my first name disgusts me.” 

“Gotcha, Pepper. Call me Tony. You in?” 

“Obviously. What do I need to do?” 

“Meet the team.” 

-

There is Rhodey, who was Tony’s best friend and sobbed on national television for two weeks until they forgot all about him. 

“He’ll cry at anything,” Tony says with a laugh as Rhodey sends him a dirty look. “Just made him think about neon shoes and he bawled like a baby.”

“I did not,” Rhodey hisses. “I was a good crier.” 

 “You looked like a seal,” Pepper intervenes. “But you played the part quite well. Nice to meet you.” 

“Right back at you, Pepper.” 

She meets Happy, a man who is all serious and grumpy and “did not want to break the law before forty” but he also gets to watch Downton Abbey whenever he wants, so he’s not doing too bad. 

He runs security and also tells Rhodey and Tony when they’re banned from ordering pizza all the time, and Pepper is inducted into the Healthy Eating Committee. 

There’s Bruce Banner, who enjoys taking over corporations for fun, and this is his second one. His first was some sort of health insurance scam, and apparently that was just to finish up his thesis for his third doctorate. 

“He has seven degrees, he’s weird,” Tony says. 

“Oh like you’re any better,” Bruce says with a snort. “You learned twelve languages for fun. Including French, which is useless.” 

“French is not useless,” Tony says. “It got us free food in Canada.” 

“We would’ve gotten it anyway if we’d done it my way.” 

“Stealing?” Rhodey asks. 

“Yes!” 

Pepper laughs. 

- 

Their job is a bit easier than anticipated. They found out from Pepper that getting into the building is stupid easy because no one likes their job and will do anything when bribed. 

Tony struts in with a badly-made-employee-ID and talks about a copying machine and coffee and seeing someone next month for dinner. Pepper just keeps her head down and pretends like she’s meeting someone for something. Like usual. 

Obadiah Stane is out of the country on a meeting, and his secretary is scared to death of him, so they’re allowed to poke around the office and find some interesting information. 

The problem comes when someone recognizes Bruce outside (government watchlists: the most pesky things on earth) and suddenly there’s this huge fuss. 

Tony pushes Pepper into an office closet and then promptly asks her if anyone opens the door, if she’s alright with him kissing her. 

“Why would you do that?” 

“People don’t like watching kissing, too intimate. Also, you have a lovely face and you’re quite funny, and I think it’d be fun and delightful to kiss you.” 

“How long have you thought about that?” 

“Not going to talk about that, just want an answer. If you say no--and feel free to, there’s no obligation in physical contact right now--it does complicate plans A to D. I suppose we could play the divorced couple route, but I’m not a gigantic fan about that.” 

“I mean, I guess? It wouldn’t be bad, and I’m not exactly opposed to it, Would it mean anything later?” 

“Do you want it to?” 

“Let’s figure that out after we do it.” 

“If we need to do it.” 

Door swings open. 

Oh, there’s a need. 

Tony is a particularly nice kisser, Pepper thinks. The thought runs through her head that she’s only kissed two people before Tony, and one was in high school so that doesn’t count, but the other was a secretary at an old company she used to work for.

But Tony is nice. Soft and warm and he grabs her waist and that’s nice. 

“Oh my god, sorry,” the employee mutters. “I just, I thought--” 

“Occupied!” Tony says, not even stopping as he kicks out his leg and practically stomps the poor other guy in the stomach. 

They get out, run, and Pepper laughs as she sees a bit of pink lipstick on the side of Tony’s mouth. 

“So, how’d I do?” 

“Send me a survey,” Pepper remarks. “Or a ranking.” 

“On a scale of one to ten?” 

“Seven.” 

“I was that bad?” 

“How do you rank things? Do you put one as the best?” 

“Obviously.” 

“No, you’re an idiot. One is always the worst. You’re a nine. It would’ve been higher but we were in a corporate office and in a supply closet.” 

“So what you’re saying is, I’ll have to try again?” 

“Preferably over a couple glasses of wine and pizza. The good kind, though. Not the garbage Rhodey orders.” 

They approach the car that Happy has, with Rhodey and Bruce already leading others on a goose chase. 

“You two have too much fun,” Happy mutters. “Boss, you got lipstick on your side. Did you get the drives?” 

“Transferred and set to release to every major news outlet tomorrow morning at six a.m.,” Tony says. “Interns are going to curse my name as they’re forced to rewrite articles.” 

Pepper smiles. 

That night, they have a couple of glasses of wine and Tony orders the good pizza, the kind that costs a little bit too much for what it is, but it’s all worth it in the end. 

- 

When Tony takes over the company after about six months of legal battles that would probably have drawn on for well over a decade if not for the fact that Tony is one of the most in-your-face-let’s-talk men she’s ever met, Pepper was kind of expecting things to slow down. 

Of course not. That’s not her style nor is it Tony’s, although arguably a vacation or a nice spa day would have been nice beforehand. 

“We have shit to do,” Tony says. “Rhodey, you need to help me revamp R&D. Pepper, I need to talk to you in the office.” 

They’ve already hired a company to completely redesign the entire building and refocus the company’s outlook, starting with getting rid of the disgusting 1970s carpet and chairs. God, it’s ugly. Pepper cried when she saw the office chairs. 

But she’s in Tony’s office, and she’s wondering if this is going to be directly related to workplace relationships or not. She’s already prepared an argument as to why she still wants a relationship and just how much professionalism she can exhibit in the face of hardship. 

(That hardship being the fact that Tony looks quite good in suits but also has arms that are made for tank tops.) 

“I have a problem with you,” Tony says. “And it’s that I want to make you CEO, but I don’t want people to think that you got it just because we’re dating. So we have an issue to cross.” 

Pepper was not expecting this. She was expecting maybe head accountant, or head of the PR team. But CEO? That was something that was...wow. Pepper had had a fifteen year plan for working up from wherever it was that she would be at. 

She also didn’t know they were dating. 

“We’re dating?” 

“Did I read the kiss wrong? Oh shit, was the seven secretly the bad seven?” 

“No!” Pepper says. “You just never told me that we were dating, we didn’t have a communicative conversation about it.” 

“Oh. Well, would you like to go on dates and things?” 

“What’s ‘and things’?” 

“You know. Sexy times. But I wanted to be a professional about it. But I am not that professional.” 

“No, no you’re not. Which is why you offered me the CEO position and why I am accepting it. But I will also date you...and things.” 

“Excellent. Have a dinner tonight while we discuss how to do Microsoft Excel?” 

“I already know how to use it.” 

“Pepper, you are the only woman for me in this lifetime and the next.” 

“And the one after that?” 

“I’m assuming you’ll get bored of me and marry someone who’s seven feet tall.” 

“Seven feet tall? What, am I going to attend every NBA game for the next husband?” 

“Maybe, I don’t know what you’ll do. I’ll probably be halfway into a grave over despair.” 

Pepper chuckles, dropping a short kiss onto his temple. 

“Well, I hope I don’t have to witness that. You want me to make some salad for tonight then?” 

“Yes please! We also need to review the decor and see what chairs to order.” 

Pepper nods. 

“We need to ask Rhodey, he has opinions about design of those.” 

“Of course he does, he hates standing too long. We’ll send him some of our options.” 

She waves as she leaves the office. 

What Tony misses: 

Pepper pumps her fist as she leaves the office, nearly stumbles, and is quite glad that no security cameras were installed that day. 

What Pepper misses: 

Tony spins so hard in his office chair as a celebration that it topples over. 

Yeah, they’re made for each other. 

#pepperony #tony stark #pepper potts #love this one #i love writing pepper and i don't do enough of it #i really like it when it's clear that they both love each other #bc with a lot of fics it's like pepper being like 'well i guess :/' or she's cool about it #BUT I WANT PEPPER TO BE A NERD! #rhodey #lovelyirony writes

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hi, I'm asking for some advice. I feel useless. recently, I've been under more stress than usual (usually, I am already stressed out. I've abandoned all of my responsibilities and it's backfiring every single day, but that seems to be the baseline for others, too), and I actually tried to deal with this new source of stress! not even three days in and I've cracked: I'm chronically ill, so my vertigo's been triggered and I've been out of kilter the entire day. literally. I almost fell over too many times today because I did not realize I was falling.

I've also got psychosis, which isn't diagnosed but kind of obvious since I literally see ghosts whenever I get under the slightest amount of new stress. I'm terrible at handling situations. the thing is, I like high-stakes situations, but if it goes just one degree higher, I break and become completely mush. I don't know what to do. I absolutely cannot afford to give up on dealing with this, but every issue I've mentioned is really making it hard to do anything.

taking a break is physically impossible, but I don't think I would even if I could - I haven't done anything that warranted a break. I'm exhausted. how do other people function when stressed? I feel like I just haven't tried hard enough. am I lazy? am I doing only the bare minimum? I'm lost. what am I doing wrong?

(sorry - I have ADHD, I tried to split this ask up as best as I could so that it's not just a big block of text. I appreciate all of the mods' efforts and this blog's existence so much)

Hi there,

To be blunt, if you don't take a break, your body and mind will force you to. You cannot continue exhausting yourself without serious consequences. Rest is a requirement. It is just as important as

People with ADHD tend to seek out high-stakes situations and seek new and exciting things to satisfy their brains. It sounds like you're pushing and pushing and pushing yourself until you break and then you're unable to do things.

I think it's clear that you've done a lot of things that warrant and justify a break. Either way, you deserve a break regardless of what you've done or how much you've accomplished.

Stress is incredibly exhausting and taxing. In short, people simply don't function when stressed. Their ability to concentrate, problem-solve, and even move is impaired when burnt out and drained. It is impossible to function to your fullest potential when you're not resting enough. And your body decides when you need rest, not you. Even if you don't want to rest or feel you can't, you have to. Instead of trying harder, try resting. Try giving yourself care, compassion, and kindness.

I definitely don't think you're lazy. I don't think you're not trying hard enough. I don't think you're doing the bare minimum.

Try doing things that fill your cup, instead of draining you. A good portion of your time should be spent on self care. This includes things like drinking water, eating well, exercising, resting, meditating, having baths, cleaning, journaling, playing with sensory objects, cooking a nutritious meal, having a treat, reading, art, and more.

It's okay to reach out. There are people who can help you. Nothing is more important than your health, both mental and physical.

Here is a post on why laziness doesn't exist. Here are some coping skills for hallucinations.

Take care.

- Misa

#trauma talks #mod misa #hallucinations #adhd

[youbloodymadgenius]

Things We Say (Modern!Ivar x reader)

All Those Things Part 3 - catch up here

A/N: Sorry, it took me forever to update this, but better later than never, right?

@inforapound​ 💖🌻💖 You’re the best!

Summary: Things are moving (too?) slowly between Ivar and the reader. But some - painful - things need to be said. 

Warnings: Swearings; Ivar’s and reader’s insecurities. It’s probably boring.

Words: 2833

Failing to repress a yawn, you give Ivar a sheepish look before sinking into the couch next to him.

 His hand lightly squeezes your shoulder and he frowns, scrutinizing you. "Are you okay?" His concern is obvious and you know your light make up doesn't hide your undereye bags very well. Or at all. 

 Sitting up straight, you try hard to sound more energetic than you are. "Yeah, don't worry. Just a little tired, I guess." 

 The truth is, you're thoroughly exhausted. Two weeks ago, two of your coworkers quit without warning and since then you've had to work several double shifts. 

 As if it wasn't bad enough, there had been this medical congress last week, with neurologists from all over the world. The cream of the crop speaking of clientele. Madame Claude had asked for your services more often than not, arguing that your fluency in several languages was a big added bonus as well as a satisfaction guarantee. 

 "You should quit." Ivar's voice is so soft that you wouldn't have heard him if he wasn't sitting right next to you.

 You sigh and rub your eyes. The words are coming out of your mouth before you've had a chance to think. "Believe me… I wish I could." 

A wave of unease strikes you. 

 Fuck.

 Your mind had been playing with this thought for several weeks now but speaking it out loud sounds wrong. You put a lot of thought into this lately and are painfully aware that there's nothing else you can do. You have no degree, no qualifications. Nothing. No one's willing to hire a whore anyway. Grimacing, you lower your head, ashamed and close to tears. 

 Scooting closer, Ivar wraps an arm around your shoulders. Leaning forward, he fails to catch your gaze as you stubbornly keep your eyes averted. 

 "Y/N… Look at me. Please." His hand takes your fidgeting fingers, caressing and relaxing them one by one. Eventually you give him a shy look, thankful for what he's doing, and for his mere presence. 

 "You do know that my family has a lot of money, don't you?" He speaks firmly, confidently. "I have a lot of money." 

 Of course you know that. His father has ruled all of Scandinavia for more than thirty years, economically speaking. And now, Ivar and his brothers have taken the helm.

 "And?" You furrow your brows, puzzled as much by his words as by his broad smile. " What's that got to do with it?" 

 "C'mon Y/N, it's quite obvious, isn't it?" Intertwining his fingers with yours, he looks at you like you're a child needing an explanation. As you stay quiet, he carries on. "I could help you. I could give you mon—"

 "No!!!" Cutting him off, you jump off the couch, renewed energy flowing through your body. 

 Eyes and mouth wide open, Ivar stares at you, shaking his head, questions written all over his face. "What… Why?" His unsure tone makes you flinch and you suddenly realize how harsh you have been.

 Fuck.

 "Sorry." You blink several times, biting your lower lip. "Listen, Ivar… Thank you. Thank you for offering. But what difference would it make? Whether several men pay for me or just one, I'll always be a whore…" You know you sound hopeless. 

 Owerwhelmed by your own dispair, you don't notice the way he clenches his fists, upset upon hearing your last words. "Stop calling yourself a whore, Y/N!" 

 Startled by his outburst, you flinch, shaking your head. "That's what I am, and that's what people will think if you give me money."

 Inhaling, Ivar scrutinizes you. "You can't… you can't be serious?" Palms facing upwards, Ivar, who seems at a loss for words, looks at you dumbfoundedly for a long time, eventually mumbling. "We… we don't even have sex."

 "People don't know that, Ivar." You reason, speaking softly now. "Sigurd doesn't know that." Sitting once more next to him, your hand strokes his cheek. Staying quiet, he just glares at you as you go on. "Ivar, you cannot be my sugar daddy. It won't do you or me any good, trust me."

 Ivar cringes. "Okay, I get it and you're probably right." He frowns and you can see he's thinking hard. As he remains silent, he nervously scratches the back of his neck. A sudden spark in his eyes tells you he's struck with a new idea. "But you could work for me, couldn't you? My personal assistant. It would be a regular job. From eight to five. No more men. No more blowjobs. Nothing sex related anymore. What do you say about that?" 

 His huge blue eyes show you how simultaneously annoyed and hopeful he is. You knew he cared about you, but you weren't sure to what extent. Now you can see. Your heart flutters. Still, you have to turn him down. You can't accept. 

 Sighing, you intertwine your fingers with his. "No Ivar, I can't." Squeezing his hand, you explain. "This would be the same. I may work for you, but people will think you hired me because of my sexual skills. It would tarnish your reputation. Besides, I'm good for nothing. What could I do? Typing or bookkeeping are unknown to me. And I wouldn't know how to set up a meeting or prepare a presentation." Letting go of his hand, you sigh again. "I'm useless, Ivar."

 His hand cups your face and his eyes lock on yours. "No, you're not,” he says softly, giving you a gentle smile, nodding reassuringly. "Let me think about this, Y/N. Let me help you."

 "I don't want to be a burden, Ivar. You don't have to." Feeling small and defeated, you swallow, blinking back tears. 

 "Hey…" His thumb barely touching your cheekbone, Ivar shakes his head, his eyes showing his obvious disapproval. "I know I don't, but I want to. And you're not a burden, you hear me? Please, Y/N, trust me, I'll figure something out, okay?"

  A puzzled look on your face, you raise your eyebrows. "I don't understand, Ivar… Why do you care so much?"

 With a straight face, Ivar replies without the slightest hesitation, never taking his eyes off you. "Because you're immensely important to me."

 The sincerity in his voice blows all the air out of your lungs. You didn't think you could ever matter that much to anyone again, let alone to Ivar, this handsome, smart and stubborn man you're falling for. Gods… 

 Fuck.

 You're melting and your heart is pounding in your chest as you reach out, your hand running through his hair. You scoot closer, seized with emotion, as Ivar tilts his head. You close your eyes, your lips meeting his plump ones, the simple touch sending a shiver through your body. When his tongue find yours, Ivar moans, low and hoarse, and you can't think anymore, overwhelmed and lightheaded. Swinging a leg over his lap, you carefully straddle him, your knees framing his hips. 

 "Ivar…", you whisper before kissing him once more. As you deepen the kiss, your left hand still in his hair, the right one boldly pulls his shirt up, grazing his defined abs. 

 With Ivar, you've never done more than share innocent kisses, but right now you feel like you're out of control, intoxicated from his scent as you find yourself drawn to his skin. You want to touch him, you need to feel him, taste him. You're spiraling and you don't want to stop. For the first time in years, you want that. You want closeness, you crave intimacy. Your hands frantically roam his upper body, you can hear his ragged breathing. It drives you crazy, turning your whole world upside down. You need him, more than you've ever needed anyone. 

 Suddenly though, two hands wrap around your wrists, squeezing them incredibly tight and waking you from your trance. "STOP!!" Ivar shouts, pushing you away. He gives you a hard look, but there's something else. He's like a wounded animal, vulnerable, frightened. Helpless. 

 Fuck. What's that? 

 "Ivar?" You ask tentatively, but lowering his eyes, Ivar doesn't say a word. Keeping his hands around your forearms, he loosens his grip.

 "I'm sorry." You sputter with a shaky voice. "I.. I shouldn't have done that." 

 Fuck fuck fuck. You fucked up, Y/N. 

 Panic pulses through you and a knot of fear sits in your stomach as the sound of Ivar's breathing fills the room. "I got carried away, Ivar. I'm so sorry."  It was predictable, wasn't it? Ivar may like you, but he and you are from different worlds. You realize how silly you have been… At the end of the day, he's who he is – an extremely wealthy businessman, with a famous name and a social status to maintain – and you, you're still you. A whore… Your heart shattered by this thought, you suck in a shallow breath as a single tear rolls down your face.

 "Listen Ivar, I don't know what I was thinking." Your voice wobbles as a lump rises in your throat. "Surely I… I wasn't thinking…", you babble, "… I thought that's what… what you wanted, but I was wrong, obviously I was wrong."

 Ivar slowly releases your wrists and you take a seat next to him as he mutters under his breath something you fail to catch. "Ivar, what did you say?" You whisper, afraid of what you might hear. 

 "You don't get it, Y/N." Looking down, Ivar rubs his hands on the top of his legs. "It's not about what I want, it's…" His breath hitches, his voice comes out strangled. "It's about what I can, or more like, what…", he hiccups, "I cannot." Uncomfortably glancing around the room, he never makes eye contact with you. 

 Fuck. He cannot. Once again.

 Willing to soothe him, you lean in, wrapping his hands in yours. "Yes, you cannot, that's what you keep telling me. But what are you talking about, Ivar? Just tell me." You stop, inhaling deeply before resuming with a shaky voice. "It's because of me, right? You cannot because of what I am, that's it? I won't feel offended if it is, you know? I know I'm digusting, Ivar."

 Ivar suddenly raises his head, looking directly at you with wide, pleading eyes. "No, don't, please. Stop belittling yourself, Y/N. Don't denigrate yourself anymore. I swear to you, you're perfect the way you are. You're beautiful, and clever and so fucking desirable. So please, stop. You're not disgusting. Never have been, never will be. Please, trust me. You're the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me."

 Your heart swells with bliss, making you feel warm inside. Yet, the pleasant feeling is short-lived, vanishing as you remember Ivar's rejection and words. 

 He fucking cannot.

 "Then you have to talk to me, Ivar." You speak softly but firmly, with newfound confidence, while your hand cups his chin, preventing him from lowering his head. You don't keep asking him as you can see many different emotions running across his face, allowing him time to gather his thoughts. You won't back off though, and you're sure he knows it.

 After a long silence, Ivar eventually whispers, his eyes tight shut. "It's so fucking embarrassing." Fists clenched and color draining from his face, he's so tense you feel like he might shatter, his chest rising and falling too fast. 

 Breathing out a low chuckle, you grasp his hand, your thumb stroking his knuckles. "Believe me, I know a thing or two about embarrassment." As a bashful half-smile curls Ivar's lips, you give him a gentle peck on the cheek before murmuring in his ear, "I won't judge you, ever. You know I won't."

 Ivar looks at you for a long time, bewildered, and then bites his bottom lip and nods, turning his head away as if to...

 Fuck. As if to hide how ashamed he is. It's far more than embarrassment. 

 The realization twists your heart and you reach out, your hand squeezing his shoulder soothingly. "Ivar, I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere, no matter what you tell me. Don't be afraid." Reassuring him seems the right thing to do and you spontaneously pull him toward you in an embrace. 

 Ivar tenses and for a brief, horrible moment, you think you might be pushed away. He eventually straightens up, his hands gripping the edge of the couch, fingernails white from the strain he puts into it and you let go of him slightly, giving him space. 

 The atmosphere is heavy as you rest your hand on his thigh, barely squeezing it, careful not to hurt him. "And if you don't tell me anything, that's okay, too." 

 Gritting, he shudders. "Guess I cannot go on like this." Staring down at his shoes, he whispers softly.

As he inhales deeply, you know this is it. He's about to tell you. Finally. 

 Fuck.

 "There was this girl, her name was Margrethe." Ivar begins, never looking at you, "She was a waitress at a bar my brothers and I used to go to a lot. Long story short, they were all sleeping with her. I was sixteen and for once I wanted to be…" Ivar has to stop, words catch in his throat. There's no doubt that sharing this with you is very painful for him. You keep quiet, though, allowing him to take all the time he needs.

 Eventually, Ivar swallows loudly. "For once I wanted to be like them. I wanted to…" He can barely get the words out, "… be normal."

 You can't stop yourself. "Ivar, you're–" You want to tell him he's normal, and perfect the way he is and that everything is fine, but he doesn't give you a chance, shushing you, a finger over your lips. 

 "Don't, please. Let me just finish or… It's so difficult, if I stop now I'm not sure I'll ever tell you." His voice is soft, but the tensing in his jaw obvious.

 You nod, silently encouraging him to keep talking, your fingers slowly wrapping around the hand you can reach. 

 "Okay…" Ivar gives you a quick glance, a sad, halfhearted smile on his lips. "So, I wanted to fuck her. I'm not proud of it but fuck, I was a teen… I… I wasn't thinking… It should have been easy. Margrethe was obsessed with social climbing and I am a Ragnarsson. And in fact, getting her into bed with me was easy. But then… Then everything went to shit."

 Letting out a ragged breath, Ivar runs a shaky hand through his hair and darts his tongue out at the corner of his mouth before biting his bottom lip hard enough to make it bleed. He then squeezes his eyes shut, his whole body shivering.

 "I… I couldn't… Oh fuck, this is so hard… I couldn't get it up, you know? I couldn't get it up and I couldn't please her. It was a failure. I was a failure. Margrethe told Sigurd, who told everyone else." His words rush out as tears suddenly spill free from his eyes. 

 Fucking Sigurd! With a brother like this, who needs enemies?

 A wave of sadness washes over you. Your throat closes up and your heart starts pounding in your chest as you process what Ivar just told you. "Oh, Ivar…", you mutter, fingers brushing against his side, "I'm going to hug you."

 And just like that, you take him in your embrace, resting a hand on his lower back and the other on his neck. Ivar's tears soaking your shirt, you cradle him, humming absentmindedly. 

 When he eventually calms down, you frame his face with your hands, kissing his tears away. "Ivar, tell me," you gently ask, "Have you ever tried again after that one time?"

 The answer bursts forth, Ivar's tone is bitter. "Believe me, that was humiliating enough to never do it again." 

 He snorts, leaning down to grab his crutch, but you stop him with one hand on his arm, lightly shaking your head. "Listen to me, Ivar. I understand, I really do. But believe me, once is not enough to say you cannot. A thousand reasons could explain what happened. Your lack of experience or your nervousness for instance. And even so, there are many, many ways to please a woman, using your mouth or your strong fingers. I could teach you. Trust me, please, you know this is my area of expertise. Let me help you, Ivar. Please."

 Staring wide-eyed at you, speechless, Ivar eventually arches an eyebrow. "Why…" His voice is hoarse and he clears his throat. "Why would you do that? You'd really be willing to help me? Why?" Disbelief written all over his face, he ducks his head but you tilt it up immediately, your hand cupping his chin. 

 Blushing, you let out a short, nervous chuckle.  "Isn't it obvious?" Your eyes locked with his and you take a deep breath before opening up your heart. "Because I like you. I care about you, Ivar. Very, very much."

🛡⚔️🛡

 @honestsycrets​ @lisinfleur​ @waiting4inspiration​ @saldelys​ @readsalot73​ @hecohansen31​ @a-mess-of-fandoms​ @shannygoatgruff​ @xbellaxcarolinax​ @gearhead66​ @milkkygirls​ @zuxiezendler​ @lonewolf471​ @ivarthebloodyking​ @fuckindiva​ @tgrrose​ @didiintheblog​

#ivar #ivar ragnarsson #ivar the boneless #ivar lothbrok #modern ivar #modern ivar x reader #modern!ivar #modern!ivar x reader #modern-ivar #insecure ivar #ivar imagine #ivar vikings #vikings ivar #vikings imagine #ivar fanfic #ivar fanfiction

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

did anyone else feel like everything in uni was just.... too much to handle???? like do this internship! do this extra curricular program! and this one and this one and this one!!!! all to prove how involved you are!!! build all your soft skills and hard skills and professional brand/identity now!!! what are you doing????? dicking around like that????? you have no time to dick around!!!!! DO IT NOW??!!! WHERES YOUR LINKEDIN??? WHERE ARE YOUR AND WHAT ARE YOUR CAREER GOALS AND YOUR CAREER ROADMAP????!!! WHY DONT YOU CARE ABOUT ENTREPRENEURSHIP AND BEING INNOVATIVE???? OH BY THE WAY WHERE ARE YOUR ASSIGNMENTS ON TOP OF ALL THIS OTHER BS YOU’RE MEANT TO DO AND CARE ABOUT????!!!!!

like bro you’re causing me and probably everyone else to have mental breakdowns and feel like failures if they don’t do all these things all at once at uni. sorry i couldn’t manage an internship bc i only got my licence after i graduated???? sorry that i felt like those programs would take too much energy out of me???? sorry i forgot to turn in all those bs personal reflections you wanted me to have done for that extra curricular program that i signed up for where i never got hired for any of the positions i applied for anyway???? sorry i don’t give a fuck about my professional image and how to set up a personal brand i have no fucking energy left to give a flying fucking fuck about it. why the fuck does it even matter??? and fuck your entrepreneurship and innovation/hustle lifestyle bs spiels! why the fuck am i supposed to care about these????? when my mental health is so fucking depleted that i had a panic attack to the point of throwing up in the bathroom over making my linkedin account and being a “budding professional”???? why don’t my studies count as being involved on campus???? because they’re literally all i can fucking handle, just barely???? like how much fucking energy and time do you think i fucking have???? thanks for your fake ass mental health events that don’t really work either. just fuck why can’t i dick around like you’re really supposed to do at uni???? how the fuck else am i meant to relax if i’m always meant to be thinking about hustling and all that bullshit??? hello???? why will no one answer me???? fuck you.

like obvs i know people will react to this with comments such as: “that’s why and how you’re meant to learn time management at uni!!! look at all the cute study hacks on tiktok to help you ☺️!” and “that’s how you learn how to handle multiple workloads and deadlines and stuff!!” or “that’s how college/uni simulates the real world of employment!!! if you can’t deal with this at college/uni maybe you should’ve just dropped out and realised that you needed to toughen up princess!!!” or whatever else. but y’all. like it was chronic. i was always tired. always burnt out. i felt like i had no time to “find myself “ or whatever the trope or expectation of uni is supposed to be. instead i was just hammered, to what felt like death, with “be entrepreneurial and grind/hustle your way to the top every day!!!! only care about your professional image and brand! everyone has one! do 10 internships today to prove your eligibility/validity and motivation to employers so you get into a grad program!!! hustle hustle hustle! innovate innovate innovate! where are your start up ideas to fix the entire world in a day???? here’s all these never ending deadlines for 50+ extracurriculars that you HAVE to meet otherwise you won’t get the award for these programs officially to show employers!” etc etc etc. but it honestly felt like so, so, so much to do and i felt guilty because i felt like i had absolutely no interest in half of the ECs, let alone, even the “required marks” (because more than half of the ECs at my uni required at least a 75 or distinction average) to get into like mentor high school kids or idek do a business incubator program or whatever the bullshit EC program options were.

and that above is not even counting the reflections that you had to do to say “yeah i did this program and i felt it was good and i learnt A/B/C about myself through this program so it’s defs enhanced my employability skills” to even be considered to be taking part in the program. it was all too fucking much on too little time and i fucking hated it. and that’s besides the point that i was focussing solely on all the employability workshops for my “career” and got literally fucking nothing out of them. like why can’t uni just be a time to dick around and find yourself, instead of doing useless fucking employability circus bullshit and hearing time and time again about the “entrepreneurial mindset” and how to “never turn off your brain for innovation and the hustle to be ahead of everyone else???? hurry up and have a side hustle like tutoring to show just how much initiative you have!!!!!” like i just don’t understand how my advanced diploma, my undergrad arts degree, and my albeit short lived and failed attempt at my postgrad degree dont show ENOUGH initiative to employers. i fucking hate it.

and i also i understand that me complaining about this after the fact (and also while i was at uni from 2015-2018/doing postgrad in 2019) can be seen as “oh you were just too lazy to get yourself together and grow up! typical millennial/gen z! too selfish to grow up and be part of the big, bad adult world!” but y’all. there needs to be more down time for students and less of a push to be “entrepreneurial” and all that bullshit during uni/college; so you’re not pushed to your absolute limits at uni til you have a mental breakdown and drop out/defer for a semester or a year. and that’s besides the fact that even in my fucking 3 month breaks at the end of every year i was actually BUYING my texts or textbooks early and doing some of my readings (books) MONTHS ahead of time and MONTHS ahead of even knowing the revised sets of texts (because half the time i bought them so early that i hd no idea that the prof had taken like 4 diff books off some courses and replaced them w/ other books instead for example) so i really had no proper downtime anyway. like i was utterly run off of my feet and i was burnt the fuck out every fucking year of my undergrad degree and also my postgrad and also business college in 2014; which was at least 50+ page assignments every fucking week. like that should count as initiative to employers.... but apparently it fucking doesn’t??? im fucking sick of y’all what the actual fuck do you want????

#life #about me #shut up ilona #uni #uni life #ok i’m no longer in uni but did anyone else feel this???? #i fucking hated it so much #and it’s why i burnt out so badly #besides the point that i’d studied flat out from 2014 til 2019 w/o real proper uni breaks

[apiratewhopines]

Killian, Persuaded

Chapter Four - Sipping

Summary: In which our hero sweats

Chapter Four on AO3

“You’re the sunlight and I am leaning”

-Sold, Mondo Cozmo

It was interesting the way time warped when your entire orbit shifts. In the past, Killian did nothing all day long and it never occurred to him his lack of industry was a problem. Now as he watched Elsa leave for her legal practice each morning, dropping the twins off at preschool on the way most days, he began to wonder how he managed to become such a lazy, self-absorbed ne’er-do-well. It wasn’t like he set out to be useless or he liked to glide through life without making a lasting impact on anyone or anything.

It didn’t help matters that by the time he returned from his daily walk to school with Iris and Aster, Liam was already set up in his home office making the world a better place one technology solution at a time. In all his musings about his brother during their separation, what he did for a living never entered his mind. Perhaps because most people in their family hadn’t worked a day in their lives. He wasn’t surprised to learn Liam used his time in the Navy to build onto his business degree, adding valuable experience and a graduate degree in Information Technology along the way.

The past two weeks seemed to stretch out into a long, meaningless blur. The high points were always the brief interactions he would snatch with Emma as he stopped by to pick up Henry in the mornings. Much like his nieces, the young man decided to like him in spite of the fact he was basically only taking up space, treading water until he could figure out what to do with his life. It wasn’t going to be easy considering he barely had any skills and absolutely no experience in anything other than showing up and looking acceptable.

It was in those stolen moments he would remember what it felt like to want to be a better man.

Unfortunately, Emma didn’t seem inclined to provide him with the same motivation she did when they were younger. She thawed a bit, going so far as to thank him for making an effort to include her foster son in his outings with his nieces, but maintained her distance both physically and emotionally. It was at once totally understandable and completely frustrating.

Flipping through daytime television shows with the volume turned down low, he sighed for the hundredth time that day. The girls were attending ballet class after school and Henry was catching a ride home with a friend so he had hours of time to fill. He wondered if the mental breakdown he was constantly fighting off might take hold.

“You’re broodier than usual today,” Liam observed from the doorway.

With a hard look at his brother, he gruffly asked, “Can’t a man be left alone to have his existential crisis in peace?”

“Is that what this is? I thought you were pining for Emma again,” he said as he moved into the room and dropped on the seat next to Killian. Rolling his eyes, he continued, “Oh, how silly of me! That’s part of your morning routine. By this time of the day, we’ve typically progressed to either resentment of our father or anger at how unfair life has been to you.”

The truth was simple really. Hanging onto his almost violent dislike of his circumstances was the only thing keeping him afloat but how in the world did you explain that to a man who had rejected the very things you were mourning the loss of. Running his hand through his hair, Killian grumbled without heat, “I forgot how sanctimonious you could be. I wonder why Elsa puts up with you.”

“I’m excellent in the sack,” Liam deadpanned.

Unable to keep his lips from twitching into a grin, he tried to block any attempt to make him feel better. “That did it. I’m going to go jump off a cliff. Thank you for providing the final straw and putting me out of my misery.”

“Do you want my advice?”

“Not really but it’s never stopped you before.”

“And it won’t now,” Liam assured him with a cheerful smile. “You’re not miserable. You’re bored.”

“As much as I enjoy having my emotions explained to me, you’re wrong,” Killian argued between clenched teeth, already tired of the conversation. Liam could think whatever he wanted. It didn’t change the fact he dug himself into a deep hole and he feared it would end up being his grave.

Although if he was being honest, he’d have to say Storybrooke moved at a much slower pace than he was used to and maybe the lack of distractions was adding to the somewhat shaky hold he had on his sanity. “Maybe I’m a little bored.”

“Who could blame you? You’re used to satisfying every whim. Money, women, booze, cars, parties, ceaseless attention…it’s okay to miss it. What’s not okay is to be blind to what you’ve gained.”

When Killian snorted, Liam looked at him with irritation. “I’m serious. The media may not be hanging on your every word anymore but you have four nieces who do. Your fiancée may be cavorting with dear old dad but if the way you look at Emma is any indication, your ego is more bruised by the woman’s defection than your heart. And let’s not forget the main benefit of your unexpected destitution…the Brothers Jones are back.”

Refusing to let go of his grim mood without a fight, he corrected, “I’m not destitute. I could sell my penthouse and have more money than most people see in a lifetime. Certainly enough to keep me going for a while.”

“See? That’s what I’m talking about. I know you’ve been knocked down but don’t confuse that with being knocked out. You’re in fine shape. You simply need to find something else to focus on…a hobby or, heaven forbid, an actual career.”

Looking at Liam like he suddenly started speaking in another language, he asked in disbelief, “Who would want to hire an overindulged man-child without any experience in the real world?”

“Me, for one.”

Head spinning due to the unexpected turn in the conversation, Killian merely studied the other man’s profile trying to figure out if he was joking. When his brother didn’t shout ‘Gotcha’ in a respectable amount of time, he realized he must be serious. “You want me to work for you?”

“More with me, truth be told. My consulting business has expanded beyond what I can handle and I could use an extra pair of hands to do the client meetings and marketing pieces I hate. Come on, little brother. It’s time to put your handsome face and top-notch mind to work.”

“Liam, I’m flattered but I’m not sure it’s a good idea. I’m already living with you. Wouldn’t working together add fuel to the fire. I don’t want to wear out my welcome.” Besides, he wasn’t entirely sure he was up to the task. On the other hand, it wasn’t like he had anything else going on for the next decade or so.

“Say you’ll think about it,” Liam pushed gently. “We’d be doing each other a favor. If it doesn’t work out, no harm done. But you can’t keep sitting around on the couch watching talk shows and soaps. I can hear your brain cells dying from my office. As much as I’m grateful for how you’ve taken an interest in the girls, you need to start living your life—your new life—instead of hesitating on the edge of it, trying to figure out a way back to your old one.”

Damn. He hated when Liam was right.

“I’ll think about it.”

With a pleased expression, his brother stood up. “That’s all I ask. Until you make up your mind, you can earn your keep by raking the leaves. It’s probably the last warm day we’ll have until the spring and I promised Elsa they’d be taken care of by the time she got home.”

—

Having never raked leaves before, Killian was pleasantly surprised to find it was good exercise and exactly the kind of mindless activity he needed to break out of his funk. There was something about the neat piles scattered throughout the yard that appealed to his rarely seen work ethic while also providing a much needed sense of accomplishment.

He was glad to nearly be done as the heat of the day started getting to him. While the low seventies was far from a heat wave, it was abnormally warm for this time of year and, when added to a physical workout, more than a little uncomfortable. His designer sweatshirt had already been peeled off leaving only the thin layer of a vintage t-shirt that cost him more than most people would pay for a car. He contemplated removing it as well when he felt beads of sweat gather between his shoulder blades and slowly trickle down his back before being absorbed in the waistband of his jeans. Hearing someone’s footsteps crunching through the final section of the yard left to tend to, he abandoned his plan in favor of discovering the identity of his visitor.

“Hey Killian, need any help?”

Glancing back he saw Henry looking at him uncertainly, rake already in hand. The boy seemed ready to scurry away, afraid of being rebuked, so even though he was almost finished he gave him a grateful smile and said, “Aye, lad. I would appreciate the assistance.”

With Henry’s help, the rest of the yard was completed in a few minutes. Surveying the lawn, he turned to his companion and asked with a hint of embarrassment, “What do we do with the piles?”

With stunned understanding, Henry said, “You’ve never done yard work before, have you?”

“I’m afraid not,” Killian confirmed. “More’s the pity, really. It’s actually quite soothing. Maybe I should open a lawn care business.”

Killian soon found out the job was only half done. After allowing Henry plenty of time to jump into some of the bigger piles, they resumed their work. By the time the majority of the leaves were neatly lined up in paper yard waste bags by the sidewalk, Killian was drenched and Henry’s face was red with exertion. They were so focused on getting the last few stacks taken care of, neither one heard Emma’s approach.

“Looks like you guys have been busy,” she commented, causing them both to startle. Chuckling at their matching expressions, she handed them each a water bottle. Tousling Henry’s sweaty hair, she continued, “Nice work, kid. But don’t you have some homework to do?”

With a groan, Henry headed back to his house, turning at the last minute to wave goodbye at him with a grin on his face. Robbed of their usual mediator, Killian was a little concerned the polite facade they perfected for their young audience would disintegrate. Sighing quietly, he opened his bottle and proceeded to drink it all in a couple of gulps. Taking the bottom of his shirt, he wiped his face while noting, “Thanks for the water. I had no idea I’d work up this much of a thirst moving tree confetti from one place to another.”

He didn’t miss how her eyes trailed down to the exposed skin of his chest and stomach. She might not like him anymore but he was confident she liked what she saw.

“You’re not the only thirsty one,” she muttered.

Hope bubbled in him at her words and just as quickly faded when he followed her glance over his shoulder and saw he had drawn spectators at some point. A few of the ladies in the neighborhood were gathered at the house on the other side of Liam’s and had apparently made an afternoon of it. They didn’t even look ashamed at being caught.

“Better pull your shirt down before you start a riot.”

“And deprive them of their entertainment? That would hardly be neighborly,” he teased as he glanced back again and raised a hand in a lazy greeting. He didn’t bother to see if anyone returned his wave, his attention riveted on the woman in front of him. “How about you? Enjoying the show?”

Rolling her eyes, she reached out and took the empty bottle from him. He stood stock-still, observing her as she observed him. If he hadn’t already been sweating like a sinner in church, he would have started at the thorough way her green gaze studied his face. Her unguarded stare was dizzying and he didn’t realize he was leaning closer until she cleared her throat and stepped back.

It was the first time they were alone since they reached their truce and he wondered if it was his recent setbacks causing him to be nervous or if he was cursed to always be unsettled in the presence of the one woman he had ever loved. In a friendlier tone than he was used to from her, she commented, “I forgot how you crave attention.”

“Not all attention, only yours.” Internally he cringed at his silver tongue. It would be a lie to say he didn’t fall back on teasing to disarm people but he always meant every word he said when it came to her. Unfortunately, until he could get her to see how he truly regretted his treatment of her, he was only hurting his case with trifling words and carefree come-ons.

She shook her head in disbelief as he marveled at how the low light of the sunset made her hair turn a deeper shade of gold. “Are you seriously trying to hit on me after everything we’ve been through?”

“That depends. Is it working?”

With grim resolve in her voice and a warning look, she stated, “No, not at all.”

He took a calming breath. Honestly, he didn’t expect to ever see her again. He hadn’t allowed himself to imagine what he would do if he did. Somehow, tripping over his words and fumbling with his emotions wasn’t what he would have guessed. Their history would stay between them like a wedge until he could give her a full and humble apology. Even when that miracle was accomplished, he reminded himself they would never be what they once were.

He knew they were firmly in the past, had accepted it a long time ago. Something about her still called to him though. Every time he saw her, he noticed some other feature or bit of personality compelling him to revel in being near her. Maybe it was because her presence hearkened back to happier days. Or perhaps he simply wanted to make amends. Either way, he felt lighter standing next to her, regardless of her wary glances and deliberate walls.

“Then I must not be. Trust me, you wouldn’t be able to resist if I was.”

As he intended, his words drew a chuckle from her. She started to walk back to the house but didn’t object when he fell in step beside her carrying Henry’s discarded rake. “Your confidence is astounding. I would admire it if it wasn’t so annoying.”

Snickering, he glanced at her with a cocked eyebrow and joked, “Surely that’s not all there is to admire.”

“What can I say? I’ve seen this show before and I know how it ends. Plus, I’ve never been much on reruns.” She kicked at a random leaf like it had done something to offend her and he wondered if she was picturing it was him instead.

In a tone rife with innuendo, he asked, “What about sequels? Henry tells me they are much more involved and satisfying than the original.”

Laughing openly now, she watched him with wide-eyed curiosity. He could sense her frustration at not finding the answers she was looking for in his face and wished she would ask him what she wanted to know. He longed to explain everything but was gun-shy about blurting it out. However, the moment passed and instead she assured him, “My life is quite satisfactory already. Do you want to know why?”

Following her up the stairs to her front porch, he stopped as she pushed open the front door and turned to him. “Why, love?”

She moved closer and flexed on her tiptoes to bring herself on eye level with him. He could smell the fresh, clean scent of her wafting around him, feel the warmth radiating off her body, see the mischief in her expression. Her lips were a fraction of an inch from his when she murmured, “Because I don’t repeat my mistakes.”

Then she was gone, walking into the house with a swing in her hips that would haunt him until the day he died.

He felt like he had been run over by a train. Not quite sure what happened but certain something shifted, he was silent as the door shut decisively in his face. Heart thundering in his chest and laughter escaping his lips, he called to the closed door, “You’re warming up to me, I can tell!”

—

In a daze, he made his way back to Liam’s house after putting the yard tools away in the shed. He was lost in thought, remembering the enticing way Emma’s eyes twinkled when she teased him, and didn’t notice the shadowy figure camped out by the back door.

“I should have known better than to think you could possibly need my help,” said a melodious voice, a vocal reminder of a different life.

Incredulously, his hand dropped from the doorknob and he turned to see Robin Locksley rocking quietly, his son Roland burrowed comfortably in his arms. His friend was studying him with an amused smile, the gentle motion of the chair never faltering. With an answering grin, Killian teased, “My, my, look what the cat dragged in…”

Wincing a bit, Robin shushed his friend while checking to see if Roland had been disturbed by his greeting. “Keep it down, you ungrateful louse. Do you know how long it took me to get him to nap after the excitement of a plane trip and the promise of seeing our old, desolate friend Killian? Imagine his disappointment when I tell him you already managed to make a new friend. A pretty blonde one from the looks of it. You always had the devil’s own luck with women. I suppose it was too much to hope it was the money that drew them in.”

Settling into the chair next to him, Killian noticed a battered gray duffle bag and matching backpack at Robin’s feet. Bemused, he asked, “What are you doing here?”

“As difficult as it may be to believe, I was worried about you.”

Killian allowed his friend’s words to wash over him. There weren’t many people in his life who would fly thousands of miles to support him and yet this month alone, he was twice blessed. Taking in the dark circles under Robin’s eyes and the ever deepening lines scoring his forehead, he wondered what specifically prompted his trip and then discerned it didn’t matter because he was glad to see him.

After Liam left, Killian was packed off to boarding school in England in an effort to pound in his family duty and save his father the trouble of having to converse with him on a daily basis. It had been an uncomfortable time for him even though he was used to transitions. His father had unexpectedly moved the family to Seattle just before his tenth birthday. Between the relocation, his mother’s passing, and Liam’s desertion, he was scarcely more alone on one continent than another. Still, when he arrived at the doors of what was to be his home for the next several years, he was too foreign to be accepted, too rich to be ignored, and too proud to attempt any sort of fitting in. His first few months were trying and lonely.

Then one day, Robin Locksley plopped down beside him on the school grounds and refused to leave. The older boy reminded him so much of Liam, only funnier and slightly less prone to lectures, that despite his resolution to keep his distance from everyone and everything, he found himself developing a friendship with the lad.

Years later, they maintained a bond that came in waves. It was the sort of relationship that would go months, sometimes even years, with only a handful of conversations and then swing into a type of closeness rarely found in adulthood. They had seen each other through some difficult spots but were in an ebb since the death of Robin’s wife a couple of years ago.

Killian hadn’t realized how much he missed the man until he saw him sitting on the porch with his smug expression and calming aura. However, it went against the grain to admit it. “Nothing to worry about. Sudden change in fortune notwithstanding, I’m doing fine. Stiff upper lip, full head of hair, keeping calm and carrying on…”

“You have it covered then,” Robin murmured with a laugh. “But seeing as I’ve come all this way, I guess it wouldn’t hurt to talk about it.”

“Does Liam know you’re here?”

“No, no one answered when I tried the front door so I haven’t had the pleasure I’m afraid. I was fairly confident I had the right place when we arrived in time to see you flirting with the neighbor but I didn’t want to wake the boy by knocking on the door repeatedly. Please tell me they have a hotel in this little hamlet.”

Scratching behind his ear, he said, “Honestly, I have no clue. I think I heard people talking about lodgings behind the diner. Surely we can find some room for you here tonight. Especially since you flew in from London—“

“In Economy class I might add,” he interrupted with a much put upon sigh.

“Fine, flew here in Economy to check on me. You could have called, Robin.”

“You’re joking, right? Killian, when was the last time you checked your phone? I’ve lost track of the number of voicemails and texts I’ve sent since you dropped off the face of the world. You’ve been incommunicado for so long the media is speculating you’ve done yourself harm or joined your father in some country without extradition.”

His stomach turned at the idea of seeing his father again. Rather than examine the feeling too closely, he said, “Sorry, I forgot to turn it back on. But that begs the question how did you find me?”

“Lucky guess.” The other man gracefully stood, careful not to jostle Roland. “Let’s go meet this brother of yours. I have a feeling he’s a damn sight better than you.”

“Undoubtedly,” Killian agreed. “But that’s not much of an accomplishment.”

[somersetmummy]

(A/N) This chapter takes place right at the beginning of the story, prior to TNA Chapter 1. Some characters property of Pixelberry.

Original characters: Katie Hide (MC), Jenny Blake

New characters: Lucinda Hansen

Rating/Content Warning: Mild adult language

Word count: 2005

Summary: MC Katie Hide is an English rose, living in New York. She’s down on her luck and desperately needs a job before her visa expires and she’s sent back to London. A chance conversation with a friend leads to an unlikely opportunity. Little did she know that one little interview would change the course of her life forever.

- Bonus social edits at the end -

Just like any other Thursday morning of recent weeks, Katie and Jenny were killing time together in their favourite coffee shop just down the street from their shared apartment. It had become Katie's haven and her go-to place when she wanted to lose herself for a few hours people watching, letting the stories of their lives unfold around her.

She'd always had a knack for paying attention to the details, noticing things which passed by most others. It was a skill she'd relied on heavily in her work, always giving her the edge, at least it had until the time it led to her downfall at Panacea Labs.

Katie had recently walked out of her job after piecing together a scheme under the radar to roll out a costly new drug for treating MS, despite there being multiple warning signs that it was ultimately ineffective but instead just masked the symptoms. Anyone else would've just glossed over the signs, not even noticing, but to Katie, the anomalies jumped off the page unmistakably. It was when she tried to escalate her concerns that she was shut down and her life in the lab made a misery by the VP, Declan Nash.

It hadn't taken long for her to realise that the company was more concerned about profits than actually helping people and she knew that the battle to fall in line and keep her job wasn't worth it. After calmly and quietly sending a company wide report on her findings, she gathered her things and walked out before she could be accosted by security. Little did she know that Nash had already been keeping tabs on her communications, in his eyes she was a trouble maker, and the report never saw the light of day.

Unfortunately for Katie, the current opportunities for young women in the biotech and pharmaceutical world just weren't what they should have been and she spent the next few weeks furiously searching for something else to avoid her work visa being revoked. 

Having moved from London to attend the New York Institute of Technology and graduating with a Masters in Chemistry & Bio Engineering three years ago, she'd fallen in love with the city and the life she'd built. She didn't know exactly what the future held and couldn't put her finger on why, but she had a very strong feeling that she needed to stay in New York.  

Today, Katie had planned to work through all the job adverts remotely relating to her experience and qualifications, with Jenny on hand to offer moral support. Tiring quickly of hitting one brick wall after another, they'd long forgotten the laptop and instead had spent the last 30 minutes idly chatting about Jenny’s upcoming gallery event when Lucinda arrived, phone to her ear, her body tense and voice sharp as she wrapped up a call with her boss.

"Of course I've got someone Angela, I wouldn't put my name in the mix if I didn't. My candidate is going to blow the others out of the water, I just know Mr Dalton will be impressed....no not just impressed, he'll be awestruck..."

While waiting for her to wrap up her call, Katie heads to the counter to order Lucinda a much needed coffee and returns to place it down in front of her just as she hangs up. She tosses her phone onto the table and slumps back in her chair, defeated.

Jenny stares her down waiting for an explanation which she and Katie both know Lucinda desperately wants to give but is holding off for dramatic effect.

After a long sip of coffee and a moment of holding her head in her hands she finally exhales.

"I am so SO SCREWED."

Katie and Jenny share a look before returning their attention to Lucinda.

"I've just promised my boss that I have the perfect candidate for some billionaire business man's nanny position....." She glares at them both as if they should understand why that's a problem. "I never touch these sorts of jobs, I only ever look for candidates in finance, nannying isn't worth my time."

Katie chooses her words carefully, knowing how Lucinda can bite back pretty quickly when she's stressed. Speaking softly, cautious not to poke the bear, she looks Lucinda in the eye and internally braces herself for whatever might come next.

"So what made this one so different?"

Fortunately Lucinda seems to finally be relaxing, she replies more quietly.

"Filling this position will put me on the map, nobody in the firm has been able to secure someone for this guy, they only seem to last a few weeks before they quit so the sign on bonus never kicks in. If I could find the perfect person I wouldn't only get a great bonus, I'd be next in line for promotion to Senior Head-hunter."

Her demanding demeanour melts away and she's left looking almost vulnerable. Something Katie knows Lucinda doesn't find at all comfortable.

"Anyway, I'll figure it out, I always do."

She gives Katie and Jenny a soft smile, allowing herself to momentarily forget about her woes so she can refocus the attention back to them.

"So what were you guys talking about before I came in?"

As Katie opens her mouth to speak Jenny cuts in on her behalf.

"Oh Katie's just been trying to work out how to get a job before her visa renewal date comes up in a couple of weeks."

Katie lets out a sigh of her own, suddenly remembering how dire her employment prospects are and feeling equally as defeated as Lucinda.

"I can't believe I've worked so hard for my degree, I found the perfect job in the perfect city but now it's all gone down the drain and I'm going to have to go back home and never see you all again."

Jenny wraps her arm around Katie's shoulders, pulling her close. "Oh come on, like you'd be able to shake us off. Even if you are in another country!"

As suddenly as Lucinda dramatically entered the coffee shop she slams her hand onto the table making the others jump.

"THAT'S IT!" She cries, her idea almost exploding out of her. "This is just too perfect...."

Katie and Jenny share a confused look before turning back to Lucinda who is practically foaming at the mouth, clearly onto something, though they're not quite sure what.

"You need a job, I need a candidate." She says in her signature matter of fact style.

Katie still has no idea where Lucinda's going with this.

"It's win win. I'll put you forward for the nanny position, you'll get a great job which means you get to stay in New York, I'll get my bonus. Not to mention I'll look like a damn superhero at work!"

The cogs start to turn in Katie's brain as she begins to digest what Lucinda is proposing.

"But I'm not a nanny....and what about my visa, it's only valid for work in relation to my degree."

Lucinda waves her hand at her, dismissing her concerns. "No problem there then. This guy's family owns one of the biggest Biotech companies in the country, surely that's related to your degree? He's so desperate for a successful match I'll make sure the visa thing is part of the contract."

She cuts back in quickly just as Katie opens her mouth to object.

"And as for you not being a nanny, what about all those times in the lab when you had to pull rank and sort out the shit that went down between your useless colleagues? You've done more nannying of adults in the last two years than most actual nanny's do in their whole career with children."

Jenny suddenly chimes in "OH MY GOD, this is genius!"

Defeated, Katie turns to look at Jenny in disbelief. She may have had a chance saying no to just Lucinda but with Jenny on board with this idea as well she may as well give up now.

"This will solve both your problems, I mean come on, who wouldn't want to work for this guy..."

Jenny turns her phone to Katie, clearly having been searching while she and Lucinda were talking. On the screen Katie sees the most devastatingly handsome man she's ever come across. He's nothing like the guys she'd known before, this person, was a real man and the sight of him caused her stomach to flip.

While undeniably handsome, it's not just the physical attraction that she's drawn to. Her eyes move to the company bio underneath his headshot and in true Katie style, she scans all of the accolades and achievements the company has to boast about. Her mind races at the possibilities. There's no mistaking that working for this man could open the door to so many opportunities and experiences in the future.

With a sigh she resigns herself to the fact that Lucinda might actually be on to something, this could be the break Katie had been waiting for and would certainly solve her imminent visa problems if she could get it taken care of as part of the contract negotiations.

With a silent nod and slight shrug of the shoulders, she begrudgingly agrees, much to the delight of her friends who squeal at each other in delight. Lucinda immediately pushes her shoulders back, standing to attention, furiously beginning to type on her phone.

"You TA'd for your old professor right?"

"Yes, I did a year as their assistant after graduating. Mainly doing research and going to conferences with her."

Lucinda's eyes never leave her phone as she works her magic, spinning Katie's words into an impressive resume. After a moment she raises her eyebrows and flits her eyes over to Katie, a small gesture which Katie realises is an invitation to elaborate.

"Oh, yeah so that's actually how I got into Panacea Labs, I met a rep at one of those conferences."

Jenny rolls her eyes at the mention of Katie's old company, now affectionately known by them both as Pariah Labs. Despite what she felt about Katie's previous employer, she was immensely proud of Katie's achievements and wanted to make sure they were included.

"Weren't you the youngest lab boss thingy they'd ever had?"

"Senior lab technician." Katie corrects, knowing full well that Jenny hasn't got a clue about the finer details of her work. "Well, yeah eventually, after two years of working my butt off. But I hardly think they'd rave about that in any reference they give me. If they even give one to begin with..."

Lucinda waves a dismissive hand at her.

"With this resume, you won't need any reference from those bastards. Trust me."

Katie had no idea what Lucinda had written or how she'd managed to spin her experience to be more favourable for a nanny position but it must've worked because half an hour later Lucinda slammed her hand down on the table once again, causing everyone around them to jump out of their skin.

"YES! It worked...he wants to see you, you've got an interview tomorrow at the Dalton Enterprises headquarters".

She turns her phone to Jenny to show off the email and they fall into an animated conversation, no doubt planning how they're all going to celebrate once Katie inevitably gets offered the job. As they fall into a blur in the background, Katie looks back over the picture of Sam Dalton on Jenny's phone, not quite sure how she can be so hypnotised by someone through a photograph.

There's something about him which feels familiar, something drawing her in. It's almost as if they're viewing each other through a looking glass and she wonders whether in this exact moment he is feeling the same magnetic pull towards her, a stranger whom he hasn't even met yet. Tearing her eyes away from the phone, Katie's tries to steady the stream of unanswered questions flooding her mind and focus on how she's going to win this man over.

"Here goes nothing."

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- Bonus - pre-interview pep talk with the girls -

#the nanny affair #fanfic #tna #choices