#i am a pretty terrible person

[thatprocrastinatingpotato]

A fair warning before you go in; don't. I am so disheartened and cried so much during and after writing this that my mother almost asked me if I was alright. (Almost being the keyword)

Apologizes in advance. Like shit tons of apologies. You can count this as me punishing myself. But, again, apologies. (No happy ending here, sorry)

___________________________________________

Carina and Maya were a bit on the edge for the past few days. Carina went through different hormonal treatments which were causing a lot of mood swings.

Maya was very supportive. But sometimes, it got too much. That day, it got a bit too much. Carina and she were having little disagreements all through the day and she finally needed a break. She told Carina that she loved her and she is going out for a run.

She ran for a while before her body ached for her wife and she got back. Carina was in the living room, looking intently at the door and now at her. In a second, her eyes filled with tears.

“I am so sorry. I wouldn't…”

But before she could complete her sentence she was engulfed in a hug.

“There is nothing wrong. I am not mad at you. I admit that I needed a little space, but that was it. I want to be with you. Forever.”

Carina was still sniffling, but she finally looked at Maya, and she knew it was a genuine sentiment.

“Promise me you'll never leave.”

“I promise you forever, My love.”

_____________________________________

They found out about it on a rainy Saturday. Seattle was being Seattle that day. Maya just completed a 48 hours shift. Carina and she weren't able to spend a lot of time together in the past few days with their busy schedules.

When she entered the home, all the lights were off. For a second she thought her wife was not in the house. But then she heard soft noises coming from their bedroom and she went there.

Carina was sitting on the bed, looking at the wall in front of her, trying to keep her tears at bay. She had seen that look only once in her eyes and it was when Andrew died.

She sat in front of her wife and placed a hand over hers softly.

“What happened?”

Her voice was just as soft. As if she didn't want to break the semblance of the moment.

“I…”

Her voice was heavy. She breathed in and looked at the file next to her. She gently nodded, giving Maya permission to open it. 

It was a report. Maya was stressed out and couldn't focus on the papers in her hands.

“What does this say?”

“The other day I fainted in the hospital. Amelia ordered a blood test.”

Maya's hand clutched harder around Carina's.

“She suspected something was going on and ordered a few other tests and… uh… I am diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. Stage three.”

Maya looked at her. She looked closely and saw how exhausted Carina looked. She wanted to scream and break things and yet all she wanted to do was to hug her wife and cry.

She chose to remain calm. Carina was going through a lot and she needed her to be there. To be her rock.

“What are the next steps? How can I help?”

Carina's eyes held a surprise at the calm voice. She had expected an outburst. Even an accusation as to why she wasn't informed about it all.

“I am scared, Bella. Will you please hold me?”

“Always.”

Maya finally stood up and she looked at Carina again. Her eyes were filled with tears. She gently wiped them with her thumb.

“We will get through this. Together.”

She assured her. She assured her and settled her on the bed and got in right after. Carina hung to her, and she pulled her even closer. She whispered soft nothings in her wife's ears as her cries grew louder. She rubbed her back till the cries turned to sniffles and it turned to soft snores.

She looked at the brunette in her arms and placed a kiss on her hair. Promising her to be by her side till the end.

_____________________________________

The next week went in a slight haze. Carina's cancer was aggressive. Way more aggressive than the doctors initially thought. 

Dr. Gray suggested that the most optimum option was a surgical intervention and Maya nodded her head along. 

The surgery was scheduled for Monday and Maya had a 48-hour shift before the surgery. She was thinking about the day Carina told her that she loved her for the first time. Her nose was scrunched and she was mad, but her eyes couldn't hold the facade. Her eyes said everything she didn't that day and even though Maya was terrified of her Italian rage, that day, all she wanted was to get yelled at by her.

She looked at the wall in front of her reminiscing all the good and the bad when an alarm brought her out of her slumber. She went on the scene and did exceptionally well. But her team may have noticed a shift in her mood.

So, Andy cornered her in the kitchen.

“What's going on with you?”

“What?”

“Maya, you have stopped yelling at people at scenes. You are freaking everyone out. Is everything…”

“Carina has cancer.”

She hasn't had the chance to talk about it at the station. She didn't want to talk about it if she was being truly honest. Telling people about it just made it real and she couldn't…

“What?”

“Aggressive pancreatic cancer, stage three.”

She couldn't believe her voice. No break, no crack, and eyes always forward.

“Maya, I am so sorry.”

“Me too.”

“No, Maya. If you need anything…”

“I don't.”

Maya knew she was being cold and distant. The old Maya was returning. But she needed her. The new Maya would break and cry and she didn't have time for that. She needed to be there for Carina.

_____________________________________

Throughout the day, she was finally able to tell everyone she cared about at the station about Carina's condition. Everyone offered her condolences and help, which she denied right away. It was the last hour of the shift and she was again laying down in her bunk looking at the ceiling.

She missed Mason. He would've been there for her. She always felt like she took him for granted and now those feelings grew tenfold because she felt that Carina's condition worsening to this stage was her fault. Only if she would've noticed the difference, maybe they would've been able to detect it sooner, get to it sooner.

But all she had in her hand right now was to wait.

_____________________________________

The next day, she and Carina were sitting on the bed, looking through a trashy magazine from the 1970s, laughing about something when Dr. Gray entered the room.

“Dr. DeLuca, your reports look good. Dr. Schmitt will be taking you to pre-op in a few minutes.”

Carina smiled and nodded at the blonde doctor. Amelia entered the room right after, wearing casual clothing.

“You didn't have a shift today, did you, Dr. Shepherd?”

Carina asked mischievously and Amelia looked at her with a glint in her eyes.

“No. I am here to keep Firefighter Barbie company.”

“Thank you, Amelia.”

Amelia smiled at her and Dr. Schmitt entered the room.

“Ready, Dr. DeLuca.”

She nodded and he started preparing her for the move. She stopped him for a second as he was going to roll her out and squeezed Maya's hand.

“Promise me.”

Her voice was heavy and Maya squeezed her hand back just as hard.

“I promise you forever, My love.”

_____________________________________

Maya sat in the waiting room with Amelia and Teddy. Her eyes never left the corridor where Dr. Gray would be coming out from. She rejected all the offers of any food or drinks. 

“I don't think Carina will appreciate you not eating.”

Amelia joked, but nothing. She wasn't in the mood to talk and no one was going to make her. She looked at the door for the longest while before Dr. Gray stepped out.

Her expressions did nothing to release the pressure Maya was feeling. Stoic and professional, she strode towards them and she stood up.

“The tumor was spread more than we had initially thought. I am so sorry, but we couldn't get clear margins. But, we have other treatment options…”

Maya wasn't listening anymore. For the first time since she found out about the diagnosis all she wanted to do was to cry. But, she couldn't.

“Can I see her?”

“Yes. She is in post-op. Dr. Schmitt will take you to her.”

The shorter guy led the way as she followed him, her mind void of any thoughts other than Carina.

She looked at her wife and the usually bubbly brunette looked very small and attached to all the machines. She sat beside her wife holding her hand and for the first time in her life she prayed. Prayed to someone, anyone who will listen to her to spare the love of her life. You can take anything else instead, she cried internally. Anything.

_____________________________________

The days after that were… difficult. Carina's health was rapidly deteriorating. The Nineteen squad was helping her in any and every way they could and she was thankful. 

But she missed Carina with every fiber of her being when she was at work. It didn't affect her performance but anyone who knew her knew that she had lost the fire, that passion that made Maya Bishop who she was. 

They came back to the firehouse and Maya wanted to be out of everyone's eyesight as soon as she could.

“Lieutenant Bishop!”

Chief Ross called her out.

“Yes, Chief.”

She calmly replied, turning back and looking at the woman.

“You do realize that you almost cost us a life today, don't you?”

Maya's eyebrows arched.

“You didn't inform anyone that Montgomery was going to walk in the…”

“Supply Room. I did. I informed Captain Beckett about it as soon as he approached the room. I was right there with Travis.”

“Is that right, Beckett?”

The guy just avoided eye contact and Maya noticed all eyes on them. She realized what was happening. She wanted to humiliate Maya in front of her peers to gain some false sense of superiority.

“I quit.”

She would've never thought about doing that in her life. But right now, nothing mattered. She didn't want to stay away from Carina anyway and Chief Ross had given her a brilliant way out.

“I will mail you my formal letter of resignation. But, I can not do this anymore. I cannot be a pawn in this game you, Sullivan, and Beckett is playing. I'm done.”

At that moment, she felt the weight of the world leaving her shoulders. She looked around at her friends and they looked disheartened at her decision. But she smiled, reassuring them.

“Maya, I am sure we can…”

Chief Ross started.

“Don't. Enough is enough.”

She stepped towards her bunk, leaving everyone in the room baffled.

_____________________________________

“Are you sure about your decision, Bella?”

Carina asked her. Maya told her everything as soon as she stepped into the house. 

”I have never been so sure of anything, Carina.”

“Then I support you in your decision.”

She placed a soft kiss on her forehead and Carina snuggled in closer to her wife.

_____________________________________

At her next screening, Carina's doctors told Maya that the Chemo was not working. The cancer was spreading rapidly and it had progressed to stage 4.

“Is there anything that we could do?”

Carina held her hand tightly. Maybe she knew something that Maya didn't.

“A few trials are going on for Pancreatic Cancer. I can pull a few strings and get you into one of them.”

“Yes.”

Maya answered. Before Carina could. Meredith looked at her asking for her confirmation. She looked at Maya and nodded her head in an affirmative.

“Let's do that.”

_____________________________________

The new trial was taking a serious toll on Carina's health. She was exhausted. Her body ached, she was always nauseous. Maya always went with her. She always held her hand throughout and told her everything was going to be fine. But, she hadn't looked at her in a while. Eyes forward.

She painted a picture for them. A picture in which they had a small house in the suburbs, had two beautiful little girls who had her eyes, and a dog. She told her how they would travel the world together, marveling at all the wonders.

The last straw was when Carina couldn't stand up anymore. The trial was not working and it was only making her weaker. 

The next conversation with the doctor was way harder.

“I don't think there is anything else we can do.”

Carina softly smiled. As if she had accepted her fate.

“But…”

“Please let me stop, Bella. Please.”

Maya for the first time in days looked at her wife. She looked at the pleading look in her wife's eyes. She nodded along with her.

“We will stop.”

She said, more to herself than to anyone else. All she needed to do now was to accept that maybe Carina won't be here, with her, in a few days, or weeks, or months. Not more than months, her doctors had predicted.

_____________________________________

“We should find you, someone.”

Carina said one day. Out of the blue as they were watching a cheesy romcom.

“We?”

“Yes, of course. What do you think about Amelia?”

Maya chuckled, but Carina had her serious game face on.

“Isn't she in a very happy relationship with Dr. Bartley?”

“Well, you can be their third.”

“Not interested.”

“How about Helm? She is brilliant.”

“Not my type.”

“Who is your type?”

“Hot, Italian, OB-Gyn with the beautiful brown hair cascading down her shoulders and eyes the shade of brown that makes me fall for her all over again when I look at her.”

“That's very specific. How about Jack?”

“Eww.”

Carina chuckled and snuggled closer to the blonde looking at the movie.

_____________________________________

Turns out, Carina wasn't kidding when she talked about finding someone. She made a profile for Maya on an online dating website and it almost became her hobby to reject people.

“Not at all. Nope.”

She never swiped right.

_____________________________________

Carina was trying to be strong, but Maya knew she was in more and more pain. She noticed it when Carina clutched her stomach in pain during one of their walks, she noticed it when everything she ate or drank came out in the next few hours, she noticed it as her wife became only a semblance of who she was once.

She tucked her in at night. Every night. Kissing her forehead, keeping her hand on her heart, feeling her heartbeat, and placing the last kiss on her lips.

She promised her forever every night before they went to sleep. She stayed up most of the night, just to assure that Carina was still breathing.

_____________________________________

Finally, she had to rush to the hospital. Carina's breathing was shallow. Maya wanted her to be as comfortable as possible, so, she was sitting by Carina's bedside, holding her hand in hers. Carina looked just a fraction of who she was and this happened in only six months.

She gently pressed her lips on the knuckles of her wife's hand and held her hand tightly. The moment causes a slight bristle and Carina's eyes to flutter. She looks around for a second, the place still unknown and finally her eyes meet the familiar eyes. She smiles and Maya realizes that her eyes still shine the same way, and she still has the same crinkle.

She sighs and presses another kiss on her wife's knuckle and then her hair.

“You are beautiful.”

“Not as much as you, Bella.”

Maya chuckles and settles beside Carina. She kisses her once again.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Should we try to find someone?”

She asked in a small voice and Maya chuckled at the request. Passing her the phone. Carina was again going through her routine of nobody being perfect for Maya. Maya just kept looking at her.

But then, there was a right swipe. She swiped right to a person. Maya's eyes widened and her eyes for the first time in all those days filled to the brim with tears.

“No! Please don't!”

She said before she realized what she was saying. A sob erupted through her throat before she could stop and she hid her face in her hand that wasn't holding her wife's hand.

“Please don't. Don't leave me. Please. I can't… I don't know how to live without you. I don't want to know how to live without you. Please. Please.”

There was a chant of pleads that filled the room while Carina softly rubbed her knuckles. She knew this was coming. She wanted it to come while she was there to console her wife.

_____________________________________

That night, Maya kept her head on Carina's chest, listening to her heartbeat. She heard her last heartbeat as the monitors around her stopped beeping. She stayed there holding Carina's hand, keeping her promise of forever,  till Amelia pulled her away. 

_____________________________________

“I contemplated leaving Seattle after… but I couldn't. This is the only place I can still feel you. You are still here with me and I promised you forever, didn't I?

I just hope you were here. Holding my hand, telling me that everything will be fine. 

I love you and I promise you forever, My Love.”

#station 19 #marina #carina deluca #maya bishop #why do i hate myself #Well #i am a pretty terrible person #but still #this is too much. #like #i am emotionally exhausted after this #i just wanna cry #a lot #stefania spampinato #danielle savre #station19 #no happy ending #no happiness

[realbeefman]

stacy is sooo interesting because she's in love with house but knows that they will never ever be able to have a healthy, stable, sane relationship because they're too similar so. she finds house-lite instead and marries him and. essentially moves on with her life! and is successful in this because she's a moderately well-adjusted person!

wilson, in contrast, never manages to escape the inevitable, in spite of his best efforts to find a house-lite of his very own, because he's an absolute fucking freak and ends up glued to house to the bitter. bitter end

#yeah im too sleepy to revise this. UNFILTERED posting wooahh #some may b shocked but i do actually read thru most of my posts several times to make sure i didnt accidentally write mein kampfe 2 #recently ive come to the realization that i am in fact not an incredibly chill person #and that the constant paranoia and fear in which i live my life is actually PROBABLY a symptom of severe anxiety #like damn. ive always known that im pretty prone to depression but ive preetty much always been aware of that #my mom is a chronic depressive so i know the symptoms i know the signs i have a pretty good arsenal of healthy coping mechanisms #UNFORTUNATELY mommy's mental health problems did not help her not abuse me as a child #so i ended up being a terribly anxious kid who was constantly being screamed at and told i was overreacting (because i was. because i had #a severe anxiety problem that was making me react irrationally.) to everything all the time #which is you know. it is VERY difficult to deal with a mental health problem when you arent aware you have a problem! #its incredible how much. better. my life has gotten since i figured this out and started actively trying to work out what triggers it #and being able to like. realize 'oookay. there is an Issue here and it needs to be overcome' #instead of just beating on myself constantly for not being able to do things without feeling sick or getting breathing problems! #anyways. trauma dumping in tags is over now! #house md #hilson #greg house #james wilson #stacy warner

[midnight-moth]

I’m sorry for what I said in the tags of the ocean post. I’ll throw myself in the garbage. You can dm me your therapy bills.

But come on. That song.

Won't you fall for me, from reality? To the rhythm of eternity. But then the I am yours to the end, so won't you fall for me?

But then! The oh god I wish you were here. It’s like his timeline is all messed up and he’s thinking of the before and the during and the after all at once.

#cw grief and loss #sometimes I am personally attacked by my own thoughts #but imagine elderly Dew and Rain #quietly existing side by side #Rain reading another true crime novel while Dew noodles away on the guitar #but he can’t for too long because his joints are swollen and arthritic #Rain hears his breath change and knows he’s in pain #gently pries the guitar from him and then rubs the soreness away with his cool fingers #fingers that are now spindly the backs of his hands are like translucent paper with pretty blue age spots #and Dew still thinks they’re the must beautiful thing he’s ever seen #almost as beautiful as his face #and he tells him so and he smiles and all the lines in his face that come from laughter grief joy frustration all crease at ones #the both fall asleep watching some terrible tv show hand in hand on the hideous reclining sofa that Dew insisted they buy #because it’s comfortable and rain thinks it’s so tacky but he secretly agrees that the lumbar support is heavenly #Dew walks faster now that Rain but Rain would never know because Dew will always match his pace and never leave him behind #until he really does have to leave him behind one last time #fuck my entire life

[black-and-yellow]

Stupid doodles I did because I couldn't get them out of my head

#this is what happens when I ask a discord server for drawing ideas an nobody replies #i am left alone with the horrors #mha #bnha #hizashi yamada #present mic #shouta aizawa #eraserhead #feeling a little silly. a little goofy if you will #my problem with aizawa in the latest chapters isnt as much the fact hes mean to mic #but the fact that it's never addressed as a bad thing? #like he's a pretty terrible friend but he's still lauded as this perfect teacher can do no wrong #he's framed as secretly soft and caring #and initially he was #but i feel like his character has been changed over the series and it's not charming anymore #especially in the kurogiri arc where the Only person Shirokumo will call out to is him #this has definitely been said before but #it's like they're not written as a gang anymore it's just Oboro and Shouta #everything that Midnight and Mic are written doing is always for Aizawa #show us why they love him?? dont just tell us he's great #show me he's worth it #mic is purposefully written as hurting over Kayama's death and Aizawa is purposefully written as brushing him off #but he's still framed as this great hero and teacher and guy in general #he feels like he got mary sue'd and i know thats an overused term but #idk i still love aizawa but i feel like the way he's written and framed has changed #but i am also petty when my favourite characters don't get the treatment they deserve #if youre going to flesh out Mic's backstory and give him history and character and emotion #at least let him be a character and not just 'the guy who supports aizawa' #this post was brought to you by Micnight gang #xx love yous

[tj-crochets]

No crafting update today because I spent all my spoons checking out a local(ish) wildlife reservation/hiking place, which was awesome! I could not explore the whole place, and it is very much "only wheelchair friendly if the person pushing my wheelchair is capable of holding my entire weight against a steep slope and immediately pushing the chair up another only partially paved steep slope", but I walked the whole time*! I got to hear wolves howling through the forest and it is a whole hell of a lot eerier to hear on a foggy day in a winter forest than it was the only other time I've heard it, which was a very bright sunny day in an amphitheater at a zoo where one wolf howled alone on stage. There were crows cawing and wolves howling and it was absolutely magnificent and suddenly a whole lot of things from various fantasy novels I read as a kid hit very different. Like, I get why hearing the wolves howl in the night would be alarming now! *we did bring my rollator/transport chair in the car, and the backup plan was that my dad or my brother would go get it and push me back to the car if I needed help

#the person behind the yarn #there were other animals and educational stuff but dang those howling wolves were something else #what can I say I grew up in a city with like zero wildlife that was bigger than lizards #well okay there were crows and seagulls and pigeons but I lived so far into a city there weren't even coyotes! #when I got a little older I did move somewhere with more wildlife (including but not limited to coyotes) but no wolves #my physical stamina is absolutely terrible at the moment because of the anemia and POTS #but the meds I am on are working pretty well! #I mean. they don't make me able bodied but they mean that my heart rate might be elevated but my blood pressure is okay #like my heart rate might be in the 130s but I'm not going to pass out! which is a huuuuge improvement! #it was also good to find out that the rest of my muscles are absolutely fine with an hourish long walk across uneven terrain #like. my heart was not so cool with it but the rest of my body was fine! and that's cool! #uphill slopes are still my nemesis and today was not a good heart day so I had to take very small steps #like half the length of my foot at a time #but it was a bad heart day and I COULD walk up slopes!!!

[wondrouswendy]

I have a job interview tomorrow and I don’t know how I’m going to be able to sleep because I am a ball of nerves and feel sick to my stomach

#i havent had an in person interview in years #and my last interview was pretty terrible as I babbled #so I’m feeling pretty normal about this (I’m not) #i also have a pimple on my face and am not a makeup person #so it’s hell

[elibean]

i am still new here so it’s entirely possible this has been pointed out before. feel free to ignore if so!

BUT.

I went back and rewatched the scene in s2 ep 1 of lu guang seeing dying cxs in his arms for Research Purposes (TM) and the eng dub alters some things that has me dying a lil bit.

Lu Guang in the CN sub: “Everything is changing. If death cannot be avoided then it might be better to face it now.”

Lu Guang in the ENG dub: “I’m sorry. Everything is going to be different now. Death isn’t something any one of us can change. The best we can do is accept it. So please. Don’t let this be another burden for you to carry.”

HELLO?????????????????????

Also I’m going further because I love suffering apparently! In the CN sub CXS says something like “why would I want to hurt Lu Guang, he’s my best friend” but in ENG he says “he’s family to me” i am dying right here and right now thank you for your time!!

#text post #link click #I AM EMOTIONALLY DEVESTATED??????????????????????? #do i need to be watching every episode in eng dub now too #i bet the japanese sub also adds something equally terrible #also it's still pretty fuckin funny how cxs's flashbacks to lg when he thinks he's dead are just. #scenes of lg calling him an idiot and harping on him lmao #it's ok cxs that's just lg shows his affection! #it's the 6th love language: calling the person you like an idiot and constantly bickering with them #lu guang is incredibly fluent in it

[kingofmyborrowedheart]

I doubt if Joe was imitated by being with 'THE taylor swift' they would have been together so long. We know nothing about their relationship or why they broke can we stop making weird assumptions (and bringing him up tbh).

It’s clear that he did have a bit of an issue with that though since when he was asked about creating music with her together—which is not a question entirely out of left field to ask since it was usually under the context of what happened during the pandemic and he got a Grammy for it—he chose to brush it off. There’s a difference between being private and respectful of their relationship and he did often get asked about it—and I completely understand why he wouldn’t want to talk about it—and being asked about that experience of creating which wouldn’t have to necessarily delve into the more intimate details of their relationship. It seems like he decided to straight up decline to answer any question about her and after being together for that long it seems a bit odd. Like wouldn’t you want to talk about finding a new creative avenue and what that experience was like?

When they first got together she was in a completely different place than where she is now; she felt that she needed time away from the public eye to heal and he was a shoulder for her to lean on during that time and that’s great; I’m glad she had someone to turn to during that really hard time! But it’s clear that something shifted toward the end of it and it wasn’t working as was stated by her reps to different publications after their split and what she’s chosen to share with “You’re Losing Me” and her speeches at Eras shows, particularly during the one for “betty.” She’s at an incredible spot in her career right now and is more comfortable being seen more publicly, and I can see why it might’ve caused a rift if she felt that she wanted to be more public and he didn’t. People change and grow apart and that’s normal, it doesn’t mean one person was at fault! She’s emphasized over the years how important people showing up for her is (and her showing up for them!) and we know he wasn’t doing that at the end and that was a big thing for her. I’m not saying that I’m omniscient and know every single moment in their relationship, I’m just saying that we know what was important for her based off of what she’s chosen to share and I’m not the only one saying that.

I’m not saying that Joe was an evil person who prevented her from being seen in public because he wasn’t and they had chosen to be more private during that time. I’m just saying that there’s a difference in the public support she received from him while they were together and the public support she’s receiving from Travis. I don’t think I’m out of line for being happy that she’s with someone who has been showing up for her in public and not afraid to talk about it and that it’s nice to see.

#ask #anons #got something to say to you* #I must say I’ve always been pretty neutral on Joe #but it did rub me the wrong way that he was seemingly not showing up for her and that it was all she was asking for #I don’t think he’s a terrible person or like the scum of the earth I just think it kinda sucks that he couldn’t show up for her #when it was really important for her #like I’d be saying these same things if a close friend was going through this kind of thing #and one of my friends was going through a similar thing earlier with a ltr and a partner that wasn’t there for them! #I don’t hate their former partner but I am upset at how they treated my friend

[nyehilismwriting]

Just curious, but were Sentinel and Project Hadea both intended to be IFs from the start? Or were they novels that you eventually adapted to IF format? I also recall you mentioning you had a high fantasy piece in the works - will you ever share that on here? 👀 (Sorry for the barrage of questions!! Honest to God not trying to be invasive, just feeling incredibly inquisitive during this dry spell ;~;)

sentinel was kind of a patchwork of a couple of different projects that weren't originally IFs, but then I realised would lend themselves well to the format.

hadea was absolutely conceived as an IF from the beginning (the killing rohan choice was baked in as one of the very first core concepts, before any of the characters really even had names or personalities) and I don't think would work as a novel, since the variation is a bit too entrenched. I think it would be doing a disservice to the story to make it a linear novel (which sounds pretentious but yknow), and i have sort of considered which route i would make Canon if I were to do that and not come up with an answer lol.

the novel is.....she's in developmental limbo atm, I wrote her in like 2019 and never redrafted her and there's some things I would like to change and edit but I never do... she was the first thing I wrote after probably about 10 years of not writing anything, ever, and was written in a single feverish month so i'm sure you can imagine there's. Things To Fix. but i put it down for a long time and while i occasionally pick it up again and do some little touches there is a perfectionistic part of me that thinks I'm a much better writer now and it would be better to just rewrite it from scratch, which is a big undertaking and something I don't have the time or energy for, so now it just kind of sits in my documents for me to open, sigh wistfully at, and close again.

#i have been thinking about her again tho. miss my terrible gays #i have also veered away from writing high fantasy as a genre in the past few years but...never say never #as a Creator i am pretty inconsistent i do tend to pick stuff up work on it obsessively then put it down. sometimes for years at a time #but there are a handful of projects i always come back to #anon #also no worries abt the questions<33 kissing u on the mouth #i know it's been a dry spell here i promise i am still working on the update i'm just. slow #working a draining full time job dealing w personal stuff. u know. the usual #but i appreciate everyone sticking around mwah mwah

[zephfair]

That awkward moment when you have a smut fic and your resume open in Libre and you’re reeeeeally hoping you didn’t just cut/paste or attach the wrong one to the job application. 😬😬😬

#one app went on for so long #i know i'm not gonna get it #they asked me to tell them about one recent thing i'm proud of #so i talked about how last week i wrote two more short stories and am almost finished with another #and i'm pretty happy how they turned out #after i submitted i had a terrible vision #what IF they actually interview me #and i have to talk about these short stories i'm so proud of #😬😬😬😬 #how does one refer to fanfic when seeking a professional job? #lmfao #personal #to delete

[lecouer]

Why the fuck do people expect me to be a literal fucking angel just because I like wearing colorful outfits and hair accessories and am autistic 😭😭😭😭

#this is so annoying because when I act like an asshole everyone is 100x more surprised than when someone else acts like an asshole #like im so 'pure and cute' and not capable of having actual human thoughts and emotions #i know that am way more naive and gullible than most ppl my age even though ive been through a lot of trauma caused by actual terrible ppl #but i just dont know how to change that aspect of myself... #i kind of wish i was evil lol #and then i also have high moral expectations for myself (?) #like if I partake in gossip or being extra judgemental of people that i dont even really know #i will feel like the worst person alive #then I see what shitty things other ppl do daily and consider 'ok' and im like 'wtf???' #also most ppl don't have the confirmation that im autustic since i didnt tell them but im pretty sure they catch something different in me #there's also some good things about this like this older woman from my friend group in uni puts me under her wing and acts kind of motherly #towards me and I kind of like it ngl #personal

[sga-owns-my-soul]

people on instagram are mad at me bc i said hating all boomers for "being greedy" is no different than boomers hating all younger people for "being lazy" and it's equal parts hilarious and terrifying that people can be so blind to the actual issues

#generations have nothing to do with it babes #pretty sure musk and zuckerburg aren't boomers #but they're definitely hoarding wealth #and being shitty #35 year olds owning companies aren't boomers #that's not stopping them from being terrible business owners #also saying boomers are the problem is a slap in the face to all the boomers who fought tirelessly to bring us rights that we have now #like ????? #fuck off im so sick of this narrative #stop dividing the generations the only fucking divide we have is the uber rich and everyone else #and no i don't mean doctors who make good money #i mean individuals who have more wealth and power than entire countires #fuck the rich #anyways #this rant got away from me #personal rambles #ignore this #i am annoyed #not stargate

[isekyaaa]

wld love to hear ur thoughts abt ur last post on true selves - @milkstore

It's really simple tbh? Basically people have this assumption that if they've never opened up to you, you can't ever know their "true face." They assume that the face that they show to the world is heavily divorced from their true self. Sure doesn't help when they act differently around different people, blah blah blah. To them, their masks are lies and their heart is truth. To be honest, I'm not sure I understand why these people think this way. Are not the different faces a person wears just different facets of their personality?

Regardless, I think because people operate under the assumption that the masks they show to the world aren't their true self, they assume they can't ever be known without their consent. It's a really ridiculous assumption tbh. It'd take a lot of conscious planning and decisions to truly create a persona that is completely unlike yourself. Like you'd literally have to be insane to do that.

In reality, people do not think much before making majority of their day to day decisions. Must you play a mental chess match to decide whether or not to greet your coworkers? Do you make conscious decisions to purchase food you dislike so nobody will know what you actually like? Do you have to physically and consciously move the muscles in your face to form a smile or a frown for every interaction? If these things do not take much conscious thought, then are you not acting true to your "true self?"

Then think about the things you consciously do or don't do. If someone disagrees with you but you don't argue back, does that not say something? If you tell jokes at work to get people to laugh, does that not reveal things? Even if these actions are not a part of your "true self," does not the fact you simply did them tell something about you?

This is just talking about actions. This doesn't even go into reactions. People assume that they are the best actors and can fool the world, but they are just fooling themselves. Initial reactions are hard to hide. True happiness and excitement is hard to fake. Feigned interest is quite easy to see. Stress, anger, and hurt are hard to gloss over. Are not emotions and the reasons for them very revealing for true selves?

And kinda going into my other post, you work from there. [Observation + observation] = intuitive observation. [Intuitive observation + intuitive observation] = mid-tier observation. Etc.

In my personal opinion, while intuitive observations are where the meat of everything is, that doesn't make simple observations less... intimate. For example, you observe a person doesn't eat many vegetables. You can rightfully assume they don't like vegetables. The very fact you noticed this means that you were paying attention to them. You know something about their true self.

#interactions #this post has a terrible ending but i ran out of points lol #but what i'm guessing is that people like this tend to assume that [thoughts/opinions = true self] #[reasonings = true self] #'i think therefore i am' sorta deal #they don't realize that by the way they act we can intuit what sort of thoughts and opinions they may have #not exactly i mean #but you can tell when you observe a person if they'll have logical opinions... emotional opinions... fake edgy opinions LOL #so in the end when they finally do open up nothing comes as a surprise because those thoughts match the person you know them to be #instead of being like 'wow that surprised me' it's more like 'yeah that makes sense lol' #getting a grip of a person's true self will take time (yes) but it's pretty easy once you've done it enough #and like.... i don't mean you take a deep dive into their psyche #but from first meeting you can tell the type of person they are #can you trust them? will they cause you issues? are they fun? will you possibly offend them? etc #everyone does this #if you want to get better though when you do get a general vibe of a person ask yourself 'why do i think this?' #'why don't i think i can trust them? why do i think i'd get along with them?' etc #at the same time though as i've said before put enough stock into your observations to protect yourself but also like... #not enough to the point you refuse to acknowledge evidence to support something else #always refine your observations and never ignore new information #always ask 'why' #ngl i have thoughts on nearly every single person i've met and am not afraid to share them but nobody ever returns the favor haha #bums me out a lot #i want someone to do an anon analysis for me HAHA

[racingliners]

After an indeterminate number of years of walking past the Adidas shop at the nearby outlet village, I finally went in and bought another footie jersey 😅

#I am not saying which club in case I lose I bunch of my mutuals dfjnbdfjvn #but it was half price; very pretty; and my Mum did a terrible job at stopping me from getting it #personal

[queercodex]

mental illness is so fucking stupid where's that post about how ridiculous it is that you can't defeat it with logic

#i am a terrible person and i'm terrible at everything except draw pretty picture #people are only nice to me out of pity or because it's their job #my flat is a rats nest bc i'm so horrible i can't even get my self to do basic tasks like pick garbage up off the floor #all of this??? False Information. will I internalise this? No :))

[sophieswundergarten]

Mental Literature

Reynie had always had a habit of "writing things down" in his mind, he found it helped him remember important details and organize his thoughts. Certain words he liked, or ideas that came to him when he didn't have pen and paper handy. Often, these little notes become lists, or, less often, letters. After all, he had no one to write to at the orphanage.

The lists he used most commonly were the ones that contained new words he'd learned. When he came across one he didn't understand, he'd go get a dictionary from the reading room (One of the few books actually available at the orphanage, and one that had sat through many years of dusty disuse until Reynie had come along), looking it up and tracing the letters with his finger until he had fully absorbed the meaning.

One day, when he was sitting outside enjoying the pleasant weather while the other children ran around on the grass and played various games amongst themselves, he found himself cataloging their names. There was Susan Pennyworth, and Thomas Deerhart, and Jane Poll, and several others that moved about, swiftly engaging in a game of tag. A boy a few years older than Reynie himself walked up to where he was sitting under the ash tree. Vic Morgeroff, Reynie noted.

"What're you doing, Muldoon?" Vic asked in a bored way. Reynie wondered for a moment why he was asking, if he seemed so disinterested.

Quickly, he went through his list of new words, excited to try one out.

"I'm just enjoying the breeze under this large, deciduous ash tree, Vic. How are you doing today?"

Reynie hoped Vic would ask him what the word "deciduous" meant, as he himself had just learned earlier that day. Maybe he would even already know what it meant, since he was older than Reynie, and they could talk about it.

Vic's eyes sharpened as he listened to Reynie's response. "What did you just say, Muldoon? If that was a swear, I'm telling the director. Don't think just 'cause you're quiet and always hiding in one of your books you won't get in trouble."

"No, no," Reynie immediately jumped to correct him, "It's not a swear word, I promise. It's a word I learned this morning, it describes the tree, since it loses its leaves in the winter, as compared to an evergreen, which doesn't."

Somehow, this didn't seem to calm Vic.

"Oh? And what makes you think you can use that word, eh? Is it 'cause you're reading all the time? Think you'll impress someone? Knowing big words doesn't make you special, Muldoon. It- It just makes you a freak, who knows too much."

Apparently satisfied, Vic stalked off, shaking his head and muttering to himself, "Little weirdo, thinks he's better than everyone else."

Reynie watched him go, slightly stunned that his word had evoked such a violent outburst. After a few moments, he sighed, shoulders sagging as he shifted to lean against the tree trunk, closing his eyes. He started a new list. "Unpopular Words".

Months passed, and Reynie was summoned to the director's office.

Mr. Rutger was sitting behind his desk, tapping a pen on it when Reynie entered.

"Come in, come in." Mr. Rutger gestured with his free hand to the chair sitting across from him. Reynie sat down obediently, wondering what this was about. He hadn't caused any trouble lately, although his "Unpopular Words" list was beginning to get long enough that he'd had to start reciting it to himself in the mornings, so as to not forget any. He'd avoided Vic and his friends as much as he could, and continued to do well in all of his classes at the orphanage academy.

"Now, Reynard," Mr. Rutger set his pen down and steepled his hands together just below his face. "Do you know why I asked you to come have this little chat with me?"

Reynie shook his head. What strange thing adults do, he considered, to summon a child purposefully without telling them what is going on and then ask them what they think about it. How is the child supposed to respond?

Mr. Rutger frowned at him, as if that was the wrong answer.

"Well, Reynard, your teachers have reported to me that you've been asking about... opportunities." He said the word as though it was an oily worm that had slipped out of his mouth. "Opportunities to attend other schools. Now, why don't we talk about this? Here you're comfortable, you know how the system works. Your friends are here, and it wouldn't make sense to send you away. Besides, it's against policy for a student to be placed in an external education facility."

Reynie hadn't thought he was asking for "opportunities", he'd spoken to his teachers about taking extra classes only because he was nearing the end of the high school work books, and that was as far as the orphanage curriculum went. He was about to explain this to the director, and add that he didn't have any friends, but Mr. Rutger seemed to have decided that the conversation was over.

"There we are, Reynard." He clapped his hands together, leaning back in his chair, seemingly satisfied with his solution. "See? You'll be much happier here. Oh, and be a good lad and try to clean up that reading room you're always in; it's so dirty."

Reynie nodded, standing up and walking out of the office. He paused on the other side of the heavy doors, taking a deep breath before heading back to the room he shared with four other boys. He added "opportunities" to his list.

Not long after that, Reynie entered his first class of the day with the dull resignation to finish the last few pages of his geography workbook. He'd been trying to take as much time as possible and stretch out for as long as he could, since he knew that once this one was full he'd have to content himself with sitting in the back of the classroom and listening to the teacher go over material he had long since learned. However, upon wishing Mr. Green a good morning, he was told that he had been excused from his classes, and was to report to the main hall.

Reynie walked slowly on his way to the main part of the orphanage. He wasn't quite sure what had changed, but some part of him was hopeful that Mr. Rutget had changed his mind and would let him start taking classes somewhere else. He knew there was a local community college not too far, and he'd be happy to walk there if he could only get permission to attend.

His daydreams were shattered by the sudden image of the orphanage director's expression whenever he had approached him about... anything really. He'd asked, more than once, if they might be able to get a few more books for him to read, if the school kids might take a field trip to the museum, if there was any way that he could help pay for further education, he'd even offered to go through the orphanage's policies and Stonetown's bylaws himself to see if there was an exception or loophole that would allow him to attend the Boatwright Academy. All of these queries had ended with Mr. Rutger looking down at him, lips pursed in a sour pout. This had been going on for so long that Reynie noticed the same expression twisting Mr. Rutger's face every time he even entered the same room as Reynie.

He prepared himself to see that expression before opening the door to the main hall, but instead he found a woman. One he had never seen before and knew didn't work at the orphanage because she was wearing a lovely pink sweater over a floral patterned shirt. No one at the orphanage wore nice sweaters or bright colors. Everything there was drab, as if the color was leeched out of it upon crossing the threshold. This woman was certainly not drab, and smiled warmly at him as she rose from the table she was seated at.

Reynie smiled back at her shyly. He felt a slight, pleasant surprise at her seeming excitement to meet him. It had been a while since someone had smiled at seeing him.

"Hello, I'm Miss Perumal. I was told to wait here for a 'Reynard Muldoon'? Is that you?" The nice lady took a few steps toward him, smile faltering a bit as he hesitated.

"Oh," He started, shaking off his thoughts. "Yes, that's me. I'm Reynie." He hurried down the steps, stopping just in front of her. He paused, awkwardly trying to decide if he should shake her hand, or if she would find that "off-putting" and "too mature for a boy of his age", as his French teacher had once said.

Luckily, Miss Perumal stuck out her hand to him, her friendly smile returning in full force.

"Ah, I'm so glad. I was worried that you might have had somewhere else to be, and I was delaying you. As I said, my name is Miss Perumal, and I have been hired to be your new tutor. I am delighted to meet you Reynie. Do you prefer 'Reynie' to 'Reynard'? When I met the director he referred to you as 'Reynard', so I wanted to see what you'd like."

Reynie's mind was whirling with all that this woman said. She was "delighted" to meet him? And she wanted to know which name he preferred to be called, even after Mr. Rutger had spoken with her? He was stunned once again, and only pulled himself out of it when he realized that she was continuing to look at him, waiting for a response.

"Um, yeah. 'Reynie' is good, thank you, ma'am. You said you're my... tutor?"

Reynie wasn't entirely sure what a tutor was supposed to do. He had a vague concept of someone who is supposed to help students with their homework if they were struggling in school, because a teacher had once suggested he tutor his classmates, since he was so for ahead. It hadn't worked out, though, because only one student had approached him, and when Reynie had looked up in the middle of an excited explanation about the French Revolution, the boy had been staring at him in disgust, before abruptly pushing his chair back and leaving. Reynie had created a small mental note for himself, deciding that once he was able to think of the word without recalling that nightmarish, uncomfortable situation, he would find out exactly what the word "tutor" meant.

Miss Perumal nodded at him, her expression growing more serious.

"Yes, I am going to be your tutor. The word is often used to mean someone who will help students as a supplement to traditional teaching, but in our sense it is going to mean that I am a sort of private teacher, just for you."

Reynie appreciated that she had defined the word for him, but he was still a bit apprehensive about this strange woman. She seemed nice, but if she was just going to be a different kind of teacher, that likely meant that she would just hand him a new workbook and try to cover her surprise when he finished it in a few weeks. He didn't want her to be like that, she smiled at him and her eyes seemed kind, and he didn't want her to be just another adult who came to look at him with that distasteful expression that all of the other grown ups at the orphanage did.

But Miss Perumal wasn't finished yet.

"Now, Reynie, I understand that some students need a little bit of different help than most teachers can give them, but you aren't one of them. Mr. Rutger has shown me your transcripts, and you have excelled in every subject and class you've been placed in. You are a very gifted child, Reynie, and something tells me you haven't been given nearly enough opportunities."

She turned then, rummaging in the bag she carried over her shoulder, which Reynie had not noticed before. Producing a small book with a soft blue cloth cover, she handed it to Reynie.

"This," She explained, her smile back again, "Is for you. It's a book on Tamil, the language I grew up speaking. I really think that you'll enjoy learning it, and we might even be able to start having some conversations in it soon, if your record with the limited French available here is any indication."

Reynie accepted the book with a wondrous expression. This woman was willing to teach him, she gave him a book right after meeting him, she wanted to give him opportunities. He searched for a word to describe her, and he found so many good ones that he had to create a "Miss Perumal" list on the spot. She was glorious, she was exorbitantly compassionate, she was a paradigm he wished all adults followed, she was an assiduous researcher, and she was the antithesis to Mr. Rutger.

He took a deep breath, holding it in his chest next to the spark of hope he could feel glowing there. Running a hand over the book, he felt a smile growing on his own face. It had been a long time since he had smiled.

"Thank you, Miss Perumal. I would love to learn Tamil from you, as well as anything you'd want to teach me."

Miss Perumal looked excited, excited at the thought of teaching him. "Well, then, Reynie, I don't see any reason we shouldn't start right now." She gestured at the chair opposite the one she had been sitting in. "Why don't you begin reading through the introduction of that book, while I go over a few more of my papers. We can work on basic pronunciation once you're done."

Reynie sat down immediately, opening the book and still smiling to himself a little. He felt a lot less lonely as he began reading, and added "Friend?" to his Miss Perumal list.

#hello there #this was an experiment in getting my thoughts out in slightly different format #so apologies for it being all weird and probably terrible #i was thinking about including the kids and everyone else but also there needs to be a bit more appreciation for miss perumal #because she's really fantastic and was pretty much the sole person keeping reynie even slightly sane and healthy for a while #i would like to shoutout (with the attitude of standing on this sinking ship of a disaster and saluting): #@nobody33333333 for all of the awesome miss perumal content in the latest chapter of s.o.s.! #(which i of course adore and am working on writing out a Very Normal Reaction to. look i love the longer chapters but it's a struggle.) #@lemondropletters for talking to me about reynie and how great he is! #@mvshortcut for even putting in my head that i am possibly good at writing this way! #and of course @oflightningandstars and everyone who enjoyed my posts about milligan and kate last week #because y'all are super nice and just really cool people so i hope this isn't a bother #thank you if you put yourself through that mess and don't hesitate to tell me what you think if you feel like it #okay i'm going to quit stalling in the tags and post now sorry #the mysterious benedict society #mbs #reynie muldoon #miss perumal #dipika perumal