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faorism · 3 years

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needing the au to drop wherein i can commit to writing a historical au,, because since i first watched the db cooper job my mind went straight to OT3! OT3! OT3! (unlike with the van gogh job, since i aint playing with that fucking lieutenant)

one day maybe one dayyyyy i will sit down and i will write the ot3 into that episode's story. so, it'll be the backgrounds for the characters in the flashback (so, stephanie ritter, steve reynolds, and reggie wilkins), but with the necessary personality adjustments (parker, eliot, and hardison respectively). basically, vintage ot3 with some hot as hell aesthetics and secrets and avoiding as much as possible producing copraganda.

so. my thoughts. what i see happening. and this got super long so im throwing this under a cut. and for ease i will call them by their modern day canon names except when making a point.

first, general thoughts about the characters.

and so: steve to eliot. nothing much here on the surface. eliot still volunteers, too much an indoctrinated white man to have been forcibly drafted. so its still one man gone to war. one man come back. eliot would had been noticed early in training for his ability to pick shit up, and they teased at maybe sending him to a special unit. maybe they do, or maybe they don't because they just need to funnel fuckers to the jungle. the vietnam invasion was a terrorist imperialist venture and there's no romanticizing from me about anything done being at all valorous or special or brother-in-arms'y. and eliot commits war crimes under the american stars and stripes instead of just to keep moreau's champaign running. but also maybe moreau is eliot's superior. he certainly would have been rewarded for this ruthlessness. (eliot of course strove to impress moreau because there aint an eliot spencer who wasn't that man's dog at some point, i!!!! dont make the rules). eliot's friend died and eliot's gone off to carry out his wishes and moreau lets him because he Knows eliot is gonna come back. whether its to come back to the same squad, or follow him into deeper spy shit for the military, or to fuck off and go private. then eliot meets parker.

now. stephanie to parker. beth plays normal so well im mad at her, but there's something edgy and strategic about stephanie that i think parker can grab onto. i feel that maybe she was kind of a thief still, but there's more realism to this world so archie wasnt a super secret spy with lasers to practice with, but just a guy with sticky fingers whos a little bored and wants a protege. parker is good really good at what she does, and not having to deal with lasers makes me easy. but she's into scams that are less grifts and more Catch Me If You Can slight of hands. she's always looking for easy money (she was into lifting cars at one point! literally she follows where the crime is). she's doing something in an airport and someone tries to recruit her as a flight attendant because she's got the Look. and yall, flight attendants? that shit was like being a model and an astronaut and a time traveler back then. and according to a teacher i had, who once worked as in the f.a. union, those ladies back in the day were rad and queer and free spirited and runnnnning shit. i think, yes, it's a Job which i think we might resist placing parker into. but! of the jobs, at the time, i really see her rocking it during the time period. (also come on, the opportunities to swindle distracted people of their shit would be endless. they would just think they dropped their stuff in the airport! not that it was stolen.)

finally, reggie to alec. i think hardison will be the hardest to translate. even tho i admittedly listen to a lot of true crime podcasts, i dont know much about fbi life and also definitely don't know about it historically. part of me desperately wants to put him somewhere else even if it does have to stay within the fbi. i might cheat and make him like a Q(uartermaster) to 007/00s like in james bond, and he's like UGH this is horrible god i hate working for the fbi but they will give me funding so...... anyway, here's this totally cool [radio term]. that said, if hardison is stuck in the fbi, why he ends up there is that he is a fucking savant when it comes to research and the man can put together a presentation like no one else. that white man gets all the credit for profiling but it was hardison who goddamn was the google of the microfilm days. reggie felt super square but that might be because he had to deal with mcsweeties db cooper shit day in and day out for years. hardison is more himself. and definitely still a nerd. alec would be into dime fantasy novels and comics and ham radios and oh god he also would be into star trek like the original star trek as it came out and he would be into the zines yes! yessss. omg. also he plays a mean arcade cabinet. but he's mostly well adjusted but lonely. his colleagues dont appreciate him because fbi esp during that time were fucking wilding out and racist as hell aaaaaand im sorry im srry im trying so hard to have fbi hardison make sense but also! acab. ANYWAY.

second, the relationship

i think it would be fun to play with what it means to have parker/eliot start off first and bring in hardison afterwards. (if white collar is your thing, it would be like this canon divergent ot3 fic wherein peter burke is the last to join in.) i feel they would be Super Intense esp since they are carrying this big ass secret. kind of broken and dysfunctional and there's the passion and the commitment, but i think there's also a tenderness that's super hard for them to achieve? and i think there's a way that hardison plays such an important part in who they are and how they are. like, sure i think parker/eliot would have joy but they won't have levity. they would have compassion but they won't have gentleness.

eliot meets hardison after being recruited by nate. i think they get close because while nate and eliot have an interesting and compelling mentorship/friendship, nate is still eliots superior; sometimes its nice to complain about your boss, as hardison will say to eliot to try to make friends. i think hardison and eliot would become legit friends and not just work buddies because they are just not cut out of the same cloth as the rest of their colleagues. they grab beers after work. after hard days, hardison cajoles eliot into going to the arcade. they are friends. real real truly deep best friends, in a way hardison didn't think he could have with a fed and eliot didnt think he would have after his friend died. but also? they are like "buds" who are buds who are desperately tryna to cross any lines because there's a.... tension? an UST between them they dont know what to do with.

parker meets eliot by way of a "lets have my friend for dinner, he's a blast." and immediately immediately hardison is like... wow this woman is beautiful but like, really attracted to her personality. and parker things hardison is kinda dorky but cute dorkie? anyway, they have a puppy love situation growing. and it keeps growing until bam. eliot and parker are like. are we into alec???? fuck we are aren't we.

i think stephanie and steve would never tell reggie (even if somehow they were to be a thing). but parker and eliot? hell yeah they tell hardison. eventually. after a while. sooner than maybe they should. the tension if they should say something is one of the things that build up as UST between them for so long; parker and eliot know they are carrying this huge thing. two huge things. eliot being db cooper and also their massive crush on him.

if i could control myself to stick to a pwp, it would be another christmas. maybe the christmas nine (more?) years down the road. the damn snow grounded hardison's flight back to his nana's, and parker and eliot hear this and invite him over. the egg nog gets flowing and parker eventually is like,, fuck this. and comes onto hardison. and hardison would be like wow wow what but... idk, free love and swinging were In The Thoughts And Minds Of The People. he still checks in with eliot who is like. her body, man; i aint gonna tell her what to do. and for a sec hardison is like, man is this a cuck situation? i guess i can be for it but also...... aint mad if i aint alone. and eliot is so grateful and idk. i just want them all to be happy and having fun and no one to be left out. and yeah i am kinda brushing over a lot of the racial politics which, in a more developed fic rather than a pwp, would definitely need to be brought in; but idk that needs to just be in the bedrock of whatever plot is going into this.

it takes a lot of maneuvering of their lives but they make it work and eventually hardison is a keeper of eliot's secret too.

(apart from the historical aspect, another reason i probably won't actually write this is because i know myself. i would want to do worldbuilding. i would follow eliot and alec to their jobs, but i wouldnt want to write outright copaganda. the grit/realism i would be comfortable with would take a level of research i dont think i can commit to. but if someone wants to take this up or if you figure out a way around this issue, pls do i wont be mad)

#eliot spencer #parker leverage #alec hardison #leverage #thiefsome #okay i srsly am not this active but this week got me wanting to talk and talk about these three beauties #the db cooper job

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madisonrooney · 2 years

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jersey boys weekend was....insane. which like obvs i expected but it was far more insane than i couldve predicted in the best possible way. more under the cut.

i think imma just let out a stream of consciousness that ill keep chronological as best i can

- its always hard to say if ill cry or not cuz sometimes i do sometimes i dont even with really really special things. admittedly, i was even more vulnernable bc when we got in friday night, there was an issue with our tix. they were supposed to be in the pit but the pit had been removed bc of covid. they had called me last june about changing my pit tix for saturday matinee but never addressed friday even tho they knew i had tix for multiple shows. given that was last june, naturally i forgot about it, so i never reached out to them or anything. so they just had to....find other seats for us. i was really confused and not sure if we were gonna get moved or something. admittedly tho, that still counts as “emotions being impacted by jersey boys” so. hey. but i was definitely also vulnerable out of excitement, i was feeling that all day.

anyway. yah. i fucking sobbed when ces soirees la started, even into silhouettes. like not just tears streaming down my face but like vocal, guttural sobbing. which admittedly isnt that appropriate in a theater, thats more of a concert thing, but i couldnt control myself. regardless it was euphoric. you have no idea how many times i have envisioned that moment in my head for the last TWO YEARS. it may have been slightly disrupted and i was a bit distracted, but i was definitely still able to be present in the moment to some extent.

- every. last. second. not only was just so perfectly written, paced, and acted, but felt so connected to who i am and what i love. not to say i didnt already know i felt that way about the show, but it had been so long. nearly twice as long as the longest id gone without seeing the show before (since i fell in love with it that is). not to mention weve all changed a lot over the last 2 years and im sure most can say they hold the things they love to an even higher value now, especially if those were things they couldn’t experience during quarantine.

- there was new dialogue between frankie and mary?? about knowing each other in high school?? not sure when that was added or why but my mom and i looked at each other like ???? that HAS to be really new cuz i listen to the jersey boys podcast and they havent mentioned it, and i feel like they would if they knew about it

- frankie valli is a short king. dont know how ive never said this before.

- gyp had a really good my mothers eyes cry and i grade gyps on that lol

- im starting to realize that i go ape is kind of a bop. is that bad.

- my dad came to saturday matinee. he hadnt seen the show before, id shown him the movie twice but he couldnt get that into it. but i think it finally clicked. i didnt get my hopes too high, i was sure enough he wouldnt hate it but if he just liked it ok that wouldve been enough. but he kept saying it was “awesome.” i heard him laughing at a number of jokes and i know he loved the music. he had to leave right after so i havent gotten much time to hear all of his thoughts but im def gonna call him soon to hear more.

- OKAY so after saturday matinee, we went to the stage door cuz i wanted pics with the tour buses. turned out, they were just all white but THE CAST WAS THERE. i didnt really know what to do since i know some places discourage stage dooring given the pandemic so i was just like as considerate as i could be but they were super chill, and i got pics with a ton of them + autographs??? normally i rehearse what ill say to actors in my head first and i did a bit leading up to this weekend, but i was pretty sure it wasnt even gonna happen, and in this case, i got no advance notice, i just had to jump right into it. they were just...THERE. so its safe to say i was a bit rambly and probably not saying exactly what i intended too but i also beat myself up too much in those situations a lot. they were all SO nice. i was so so so so happy and excited cuz i mean stage dooring is always exciting and more so for this show but the fact that it happened WHEN I WASNT EVEN EXPECTING IT TO. i was coming unglued looking forward to the show alone and then i got THIS on top of it. i wouldve been over the moon meeting just ONE cast member but i met a TON????

worth noting, one of the people i met was katie goffman who was doves cher understudy in clueless the musical!! i had been excited when she was announced for the touring cast back in late 2019 i think? so im so glad she was still in the cast and that i got to meet her.

i also got to meet kevin patrick martin again who id seen on tour and seen and met at 54 below both in 2018. i remembered him being super nice and he was super nice this time around too. more on him later.

also met the actors who played tommy, joey, crewe, and gyp

- my best friend @wander--meets--world came saturday night, also not having seen the show, just the movie. again, if she just liked it ok, that wouldve been more than enough, i couldnt really say for sure if itd be her thing or not. but she really liked it!! and had so many thoughts to share that we got to talk about at intermission and afterwards!!! over the years, ive had so few people to talk about this show with. i usually just rely on my mom who is great but i cant yknow meme with her fdhgjlkjd. jessica’s familiar with p much all my other main fandoms so we can discuss them, but we hadnt been able to discuss this, which is majorly high on the list. so the fact that we can now makes me sososososo happy.

it was also the first time wed seen each other in person in 2 years?? weve never gone anywhere near that long without seeing each other in the 15 years weve known each other?? and what better thing for us to have been doing than this. we also listened to plastic hearts, went to our fav italian place downtown, went to the 24 hour baskin robbins after the show, and watched cr1tikal in her car. ideal saturday night.

- after that saturday night show, we met a few more cast members, most notably jon hacker who was frankie, who id seen in newsies 7 years ago at the same venue, + as joey at new world stages in 2018, at 54 below a few months later, and then as frankie at new world stages the day after that. met him all those times except when he was joey. i had been so excited that he was a part of the touring cast and im so glad i got to meet him, and we talked for a while! he had such thoughtful responses to everything i had to say. and his poor voice was so gone, he left it all on the floor. (luckily he had a day off today which he deserved lol)

that night, i also met the guy who played nick (who today i realized played gerry when i saw beautiful three years ago and i met him then too lol???) and 2 of the girls who were also super sweet. plus i saw some of the same people from the afternoon again.

- then we had our final matinee this afternoon. we had a different frankie which was very exciting. ofc i love jon but i also love getting to see understudies, especially when youre seeing the show that many times in a row lol. katie was also on and she told me later it was her first time on this year, and i also found out it was her and her husband’s (who plays tommy) first time in the show together!

met that frankie at the stage door plus eric (bob) who id really hoped to meet (he was the only season i hadnt met yet, last piece of the puzzle!) and antonio (barry belson). antonio omgomgomg he was so good in the show so i was so excited to meet him and he gave me a hug??? and i told him like specific inflections of his i liked in the show and he was so touched and impressed that i noticed that??

over the course of making stories and posts on insta, multiple cast members have watched my story, responded to my story, liked my post, commented on my post, and now devon and kevin FOLLOW ME???? HELLO????

im truly just over the moon. again, i knew this weekend would be amazing but SO much more came out of it than i was expecting. like i said, seeing the show was more than enough. even if i only saw it once it wouldve been. but getting to be a crazy superfan and see it so many times was so...validating?? and it was fun to pay attention to more minor details. but then on top of that, the experiences with the cast were remarkable.

it was a little adventure. it felt kind of like the clueless trip (tho i think thatll always take the cake, both for the pure chaos of it all and the unique experience). still, it had the same vibe which felt so good, especially having not felt something like that in so long.

i waited three years for this. eagerly anticipating it to no end and having to deal with it being postponed twice. but it gave me everything i couldve wanted and then some.

rounds 13-16 complete.

#jersey boys #this is insanely long and mostly for personal record lol

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nouggat · 3 years

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i am lost

after so many years leaving this blog, hi. it’s been a loooong while. i am here because i feel so lost. im trying to study for my finals now but i just kept thinking of writing down my thoughts. so here i am, pausing my studying for the, idk, 26th time. i am having a very hard time trying to focus on my paper. p/s, im currently in college quarantine for 10 days. today’s the fourth out of 10 days. it hasn’t been so productive. i am lost. my thoughts are getting so distracting. i don’t know how to get over it.

i keep coming back to my phone, scrolling instagram for hours. i dont know why i am so drawn to just scrolling pointlessly through social media. the world is so chaotic right now. with covid, palestine, my country’s politics, living under a shitty government. and my rabbit is missing for 4 days now. i’m so worried of her. the world is so unfair and i am scared. allah, i am scared.

one of the things that are comforting me is listening to aida azlin. i admire her so much. her podcasts, her youtube videos of her talking inspired me to write down what i feel. i do have a journal, but writing 1000 words would cramp my hands haha. there’s this one episode that i keep coming back to listen, which is her episode with A. Helwa. How Helwa speaks, thinks, her metaphors, her view of the world, masyaallah so inspiring.

i dont know why im experiencing a bit of shivering. i am eating A LOT today. i’m just finding stuff to eat non-stop. i just needed to chew. im just having such a hard time trying to study and stay focused in studying. i dont understand why i am easily distracted while im studying. i can journal for 3 hours without being distracted. i can bake for 6 hours without being distracted. but i am sooo frustrated that i can’t do the same with my studying. i just want to focus and understand well so that i can pass my paper well. that’s all i ask ya allah.

alright i think that should be it for now, because i feel like im rushing. and im still shaking, so i need to find something else to distract myself with. i will update more here whenever i feel like i need to.

much love. myself.

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nisasinferno · 3 years

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hey everybody,

uh, this is gonna be long, so, get ready.

i was listening to an episode of I Weigh with Jameela Jamil podcast, the one with the Matt McGorry and all the things they said made me want to start something.

Warning: The rest of the post will contain my experiences and comments about body issues, smoking, binge eating, anxiety, depression etc Plus im no expert, only dumping my experiences and thoughts on somethings as i know them.

I live in Turkey and starting tomorrow, we’re gonna be in a country-wide quarantine till 17th May. For this time period, i’ve already made some plans to improve myself like trying to meditate more, catch up with my german lessons or maybe finish my astrology course kinda things. While i was listening to the podcast, i realized how afraid i am of gaining weight during this time period because that’s exactly what happened last year and i really lost my self-esteem.

I was always kinda chubby, carrying my belly to everywhere ever since i can remember but never cared about it because i never felt connected with my body, like it was nothing but a vessel for my mind and soul. Around 2016, i have started to develop a sense of body like what kind of colors or clothes suits me more, how does it make me feel when im complimented about the way i talk or act etc. Before that, i never felt like i was beautiful, likable, charismatic or even symphatetic. Some of the reasons were like: because i was raised by a religious family to believe that body was a gift from God that we should be grateful for and use it to worship in return. Another reason was my mother, she didnt let me build a sense of image for myself, i was only allowed to internalize her way of seeing things in material world. Sometimes as a joke, sometimes as a warning, she reminded me that i was not “behaving like a girly girl would behave: talking less and softly, sitting up straight, smiling rather than laughing loudly” blah blah. In addition to all these, now i can see that some childhood and early-youth traumas have affected me and made me cut the chord between my body and my being as a whole too. With those realizations, new perspectives and thinking, i reconnected with my body. I was still relatively careless about the way i look but more aware of the body standards in general and my position.

Of course slowly losing weight may be triggered it since i became more active in my first year of university, taking minimum ten thousand steps aaannd smokiiinng nearly everyday. The first time i smoke was when i was in high school. I was depressed and being bullied in school so i went to the hospital to start therapy but because of some bureaucratic bullshit, i couldnt see the therapist and feeling hopeless, i decided to hurt myself in a way that i can feel a little bit on the other side of the pain: “the cool side”. After that it was only occasionally, one or two cigarettes when im out with a friend who smokes. Time passed by, i had my heart and my mind broken, started to smoke more, lost my appetite, fed myself with tea and coffee only because i never felt hungry and became skinnier. In my last year of university, adding to my anxiety attacks, i was smoking four packs a day. Everyday. And i was the thinnest i have ever been in my life, still had my belly tho. But, oh man it was bad, now that im skinnier, im much aware of my body in a comparing-myself-to-the-society’s-standards kinda way. Plus, i didnt have the amount of energy or muscle to walk or hike or do some yoga for an hour like i used to. That resulted a resentment against my body and habits that is so toxic, i started to lose control. When i look back to the last two years, i can observe that eating is not about feeding and nurturing my body for me anymore. It’s a way of taking control back that i have so little when it comes to my life. I eat to fill the emptiness that hurts me so bad that makes me sabotage my own life. I eat to distract myself from my anxiety and loneliness because i cant stand uncertainty and i become paralised when i feel like im left alone, unloved and unseen. I eat so i can numb my brain in the sea of dopamine which leads to addictive behavior and more anxiety about not knowing how to stop. It’s a fucking trap.

Anyways, like i said: i want to use this time of quarantine to be a better version of myself. I’m aware that these issues can only be solved in time and great effort and i need to change my way of thinking about myself and lots of other things which can be one of the hardest things a person could do with all those conditioning. I put no pressure, no restriction since i know that pressure and restriction are the reasons in the beginning that brought me here. I really want to stop smoking (i achieved quitting for 45 days last year, i regret it so much that i started again.), heal my relationship with food and my body and myself in general. Im seeing a therapist for my anxiety and depression, keeping a food journal in the last two months to keep a record on my eating and i will go on. I’ll try to practice body acceptance (not body positivity because it’s my body and im allowed to not like my double chin or scars in my body when it’s a distraction from the main message in a photo as long as it’s not at the level of deleting the picture because the view of them makes me feel obsessively disgusted and sad) I will try to eat thinking its effect on my mind and soul, not on my physical apperance. I will try to practice yoga and other physical activities to gain endurance and a more stable state of mind, not to see a “more acceptable reflection” in the mirror. I will try to connect with my higher and true self while finding new ways to understand and integrate my shadow.

This is a pretty sloppy and long post. But i wanted to share these and i want to share the journey ahead. So, i want to thank you beforehand. If you want to get in touch to talk or share about these topics, dont hesitate to contact!

Take care

#iweigh #jameela jamil #body image #bodypositivity #body acceptance #smoking #addiction #anxiety #depression #higherself #shadow self #quarantine

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nocturnalxsaint · 4 years

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as many as you want to do... what's your favorite color? do you prefer aquariums or zoos? what's something small that made you happy today? do you like lemonade? do you like PINK lemonade? how did you discover waterparks? how do you feel about country music? what about rap? who's your fave in waterparks and why? who's your favorite of waterparks' friends? what's a short-term goal you have for yourself? do you like owl city? what do you think about ariana grande? what are you looking forward to?

these are excellent distraction questions thank you so much 🥰

-my favorite color is probably blue or purple. i really gravitate towards cool jewel tones💙💜

-i think i like aquariums better because i prefer being indoors lol. also watching tanks is so soothing i love the water

-ok ok ok so my roommate’s dog who ive been living with for a few months is extremely anxious, especially in cars. he usually works himself into a panic and just hyperventilates for most of the ride. but today i picked him up from doggy daycare and he started to freak out but then he leaned forward and put his head on my shoulder and sighed and calmed down and i FELT SO VALID AAAAA HE CHOSE ME TO TRUST!!!!!! <3 <3 <3

-i really love both lemonade and pink lemonade and i think im gonna go make some :)

-ok so just before double dare came out i was super deep into a hyperfixation on my chemical romance and had consumed like every interview of theirs that exists on youtube. and because mikey played bass on cluster some waterparks interviews popped up in my recommended section. i remember the first one i watched was them playing draw that band where they said otto’s fav band was mcr and told the story of mikey coming into the studio to work with them. their personalities grabbed my attention and i think i clicked on the gloom boys video next, realized i loved their sound and lyrical style and ive been here ever since!

-i actually grew up listening almost exclusively to country music radio and contemporary christian pop if that tells you anything about my family lol. i dipped out for a few years because i really dont enjoy bro country, but as a genre in general i love country music. i could go off about dolly parton for a WHILE

-i dont know a lot about rap but every now and then i get into a specific artist and i always enjoy how innovative the genre is and the commitment to evolution of sound and artistry. right now i really like mgk’s stuff even though i know he’s drifting from rap at the moment

-my favorite member is probably awsten because we honestly know less about the other two lol. but i also really love his writing style, like my favorite thing about music is lyrics and i LOVE the lyrics and poetry in parx. as someone with most of an english degree i keep wanting to go off about awsten’s lyrics and the way he writes them because theyre genuinely so good. their sound is also phenomenal but the lyrics set it off even more

but ALSO i think he’s funny and a very genuine person and i appreciate his work ethic and how much of himself he’s willing to put into his art. also listening to his podcast and longer interviews he’s done......listening to him talk is a constant “is that what im like” experience lol the topic jumping and rambling stories are EXTREMELY relatable like that’s exactly how i think

-i think my favorite waterparks extended universe (weu) member is travis. similar to my reasoning for awsten i relate to travis a lot and constantly find myself when listening to the podcast saying the exact same things he does like a split second earlier lol i feel like we’d be friends.

-a short term goal i have is to get a job 🙃 no but for real all these business locking down RIGHT after i quit my job and moved is not going well ahaha send help😥

-i LOVE owl city i am literally currently in a discord server geeking out with someone about awsten and adam simultaneously. owl city was the soundtrack to my age appropriate emo phase when i was like 12-16 and very sad but my parents wouldnt allow heavy music lol. i adore the imagery and vibe of owl city music and it takes me back to being in 7th grade and listening to saltwater room and feeling safe. actually i havent listened to it in a while so im gonna go do that

-i think ariana grande has an incredible voice and talent but i dont know much about her other than that

-i am looking forward to live music coming back 😭😭😭

#otto-wood #ask #aly #thank youuu #seriously now im in a better mood and i have lemonade AND owl city this is fantastic

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supermallorygalaxy · 4 years

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the truth about the moon

soulmate au where they can hear each other’s thoughts with analogical! this is paired with @loganberry-jam‘s piece, they wrote this in virgil’s pov and also is responsible for all the dialogue between virge and lo!!

also! blood and injury tw although it’s not awfully gory or anything!

☆

“Good lord, what is all this yelling for?”

Virgil’s voice in their head was not uncommon, considering both their ages and soulmate status. They paid no mind to it and continued talking to Thomas about lighting design.

Again; “Well. That’s quite a bit of blood. I didn’t even know I had so much..”

Well, that particular sentence was definitely not common.

“Virgil?”

No response, and, as if to top it off, almost an absence of him. He wasn’t ignoring them- he was physically incapable of responding.

Logan thinks his name again, with a bit more urgency. Thomas notices their sudden detachment from the conversation and taps them on the arm.

“Logan? You okay? You got a little spacey on me.”

Eyes coming back into focus, their face takes a turn for worry. (Which, if you know Logan, is quite a turn, considering they aren’t particularly fond of showing too much emotion.)

“It’s Virgil, he said something about blood, he’s not responding, I don’t know..”

“Virgil, what do you mean blood?”

“Are you alright?”

“Virgil??”

Thomas sets his clipboard on his desk and takes Logan’s out of their arms as well.

“Hey, I bet Virge is fine. He’s doing set with the guys right? Let’s just go down and check on them.” Thomas, though not sounding too confident, pulled Logan’s arm a bit and took them both down from the booth and towards the scene shop. On the way, Logan calls Virgil on their phone, hoping that at the very least, maybe somebody who’s with him would pick up. No such luck.

When the two of them get to the scene shop, nobody else is there. Brandon, Grant, and, most importantly, Virgil, are all no longer working. Logan frantically looks at Thomas for a second.

"Hey, don't freak out, I bet they're-"

"Don't tell me not to freak out!" They snap. "Virgil's injured somewhere and he isn't- or is unable to respond! Plus Grant and Brandon are-"

"Jesus christ, my hand fucking hurts, good god, can't they give me some drugs or something- "

Logan stops. "It's Virgil."

“Drugs? What would you need drugs for?”

“Well is he okay??” Thomas asks, and Logan shushes him.

“And what do you mean, your hand hurts? Oh goodness, this has to do with the blood you mentioned earlier, doesn’t it?”

A beat before Virgil thought back, “God, they must’ve been so worried, just a mention of a shitton of blood and then nothing, can’t even imagine-”

They roll their eyes and take a breath. There’s no need for Virgil to know that they had a bit of a freak-out moment.

“Yes, it was very worrisome, even more so when you wouldn’t answer my calls. What the hell happened?”

“Just a... bit of an incident with the table saw.”

“Table saw!?” They exclaim both out loud and in their head. Thomas jumps and looks over to the big saw on the countertop.

Virgil keeps going. “Calm down, it’s got that cool thing where it senses warmth or flesh or whatever, it forces itself to turn off. Breaks a bunch of the parts inside, but- oh god, James is gonna be pissed, those parts aren’t cheap-”

Logan chuckles. “For all I know he’s chopped his hand off and he’s worried about James, this man..”

“Virge, I don’t think the saw’s doing is what we need to be doing right now.”

“Chopped his hand off!? What happened to him??”

“I’m figuring it out!”

Although Thomas isn’t thrilled to have one of his students get snappy at him, he is thrilled to see Logan calmed down and Virgil alright enough to be awake and communicating.

“How bad did it… cut you?”

“No idea. I passed out after seeing all the blood. Never got a good look at it. I could ask the paramedic next to me.”

An external sigh of relief from Virgil’s partner. “Oh good, you’re in an ambulance, at least you’re getting treatment. Yes, ask them, and ask which hospital you’re going to.”

“Will do, love.”

Logan looks up at Thomas.

“Well??”

They take a deep breath. “He’s asking the paramedic in the ambulance where he’s headed and how bad it is. Informed me he passed out from seeing all the blood. From what I gathered he cut himself with the table saw, but it turned off so it shouldn’t be too bad.”

“Alright, good. I’m going to call Virgil’s parents, and yours, assuming you’re headed towards wherever Virgil is?”

“Yes. And thank you, for, well… trying to calm me down. I usually don’t freak out like that.”

Thomas just chuckles and pulls Logan in for a hug. They’re still for a moment, but reluctantly hug him back.

“Don’t apologize for having feelings, Lo.” They both let go of each other. “And please, keep me updated on Virgil. I wanna know what happened and how he’s doing later.”

“Dammit, he blames himself.”

“Huh?”

“Grant. I’ll explain on the way. We’re going to B. Major Children’s.”

“Of course. Also, due to what Virgil just said, I believe Grant is in the ambulance with him. He’s headed for B. Major Children’s.”

“Good to hear. I won’t keep you here any longer, just please remember to message me!” Thomas tells them as they start walking away.

“I’ll remember! See you tomorrow.”

Logan starts jogging to their car. “I’m on my way. What did the paramedic say?”

“Nothing awful. Just a cut on my left index finger. Half a centimeter, she said.”

“Okay, good. You had me worried you’d lost it or something.”

“Nope. It lives to do homework another day.”

They laugh a little, making it to their car. Only their boyfriend would make a crack at schoolwork while riding in an ambulance.

Then, feebly: “Does it still hurt?”

There really was no good answer to this question. If it was yes, well, that’s awful. Logan doesn’t want Virgil in pain. If it was no, well. That could be worse because it entails so many possible medical issues-

“Like a mother trucker. Hurts like a buttcheek on a stick.”

They have to stop turning the ignition to laugh. Maybe there was a good answer to their question.

“You’re insufferable,” Logan thinks fondly.

“You know you love meeeeee-”

Logan smiles before starting the car.

“Yes, yes I do.”

“I’m gonna ask Grant what’s eating him. See you in the ER?”

“See you in the ER,” they tell their boyfriend as they pull out of their parking spot.

☆

Getting to the hospital? Simple. Driving's a breeze, and Logan had put on a podcast about sea life to distract themselves from worrying. Honestly, if they hadn't been driving to see their injured boyfriend, it would've been an enjoyable time.

However, attempting to get to Virgil once they made it there? Very frustrating. This was Logan's second time talking to the receptionist, and again, she had refused to tell Logan where Virgil was, or, at the very least, where to wait for Virgil.

"What stupid bureaucracy, the hell do you mean, I “have to wait", my boyfriend got his damn hand caught in a table saw!!"

"Excuse me, I'll be right back to you," the receptionist says as she takes a call off her desk phone. Logan huffs.

"I think that counts as urgent enough, I’m practically family at this point, which doesn’t even matter to them because either you’re blood related, married, or complete strangers by their standards-"

"You’re rambling again.”

“I’m aware,” Logan thinks, sighing. “These damn receptionists won’t tell me where you are, because you’re in the ER and I guess I’m not close enough related enough to you to go back and see you-”

“Lo..”

“-Which is stupid because some people don’t have blood relatives that can or want to come visit them-”

“Logan…”

“-Which means some poor patients here are probably all alone because they won’t let their friends go and see them-”

“Logan Sanders listen to me or I’ll come find you myself!”

Sheepishly, they stop their tangent.

“..that would be preferable.”

“It was a threat, nerd, and anyways I can’t even move, they’re sewing it shut.”

“Did they at least give you Dilaudid or lidocaine?”

“I’m guessing those are painkillers?”

“Yes, and Dilaudid is highly addictive, which is why I hope they didn’t give you that and just used a nerve blocker like lidocaine-”

Virgil calls his partner back to focus. “Lo.”

“Sorry.”

“They did numb it with something, not sure what. Either way it’s numb, but i can still kinda feel them messing around over there. I am choosing not to look so I dont pass out again.”

“Yes, don’t do that,” They say, rolling their eyes. “Radio silence from my boyfriend isn’t exactly a pleasurable experience.”

“Doesn’t exactly sound like it.”

The receptionist finishes up her call and looks up at Logan again as she hangs up.

“One second, the receptionist is talking to me again.”

“I’ll be here.”

Sighing, she puts the phone down.

“Sorry for the wait. Virgil will be in room 257. Before you can go wait for him to be done with surgery, I’ll need to get you a visitor sticker. Please wait while I get your picture and name.

“Thank you, Ma’am.”

“She finally told me where you were. I’m on my way up.”

“Oh good. I missed you at lunch today.”

Logan looks at the small clip camera on the desk, just trying to get all these hospital policies over with.

“I heard.”

“Oh yeah, I forget you can hear me sometimes.”

“How could I forget? Remember that one thought from last week?”

“Oh my goddddd let it GO-”

“Name?”

“Logan Sanders,” They take the sticker from the receptionist and start walking in Virgil’s direction.

“‘Teenage meetant neenja teetles’?? What does that even mean?” They try their best not to laugh in public in an attempt to look sane.

“Shhhh don’t try and figure out my shitpost brain.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” They glance at a map and get on an elevator. “Are the doctors done sewing you up?”

“Yep, it’s all pretty clean and bandaged. They told me not to move it too much but jokes on them, I’m left handed, so catch me wiping my ass with my fucked up hand.”

Logan turns down the hallway they’ve been looking for after getting off the elevator.

“One, ew. Two, do not do that.”

“You can’t stop me.”

“But what if I could?” They say, walking into Virgil’s room. Although they’re both teasing, Logan’s beyond relieved to see their boyfriend.

“You wouldn’t," Virgil says, grinning. “You know you’d just watch me be stupid and shake your head at my ridiculousness.”

Logan dropped their backpack under a chair next to the hospital bed.

“It’s almost as if you’re speaking from experience,” they joke as they sit on Virgil’s bed.

“Me? Being serially stupid? Never.”

Logan laughed, smiling at him. They were glad to see him, and to see him still acting like himself. It was hard for them not to be nervous though.

“... Are you okay though? Like, getting your finger lacerated by a table saw probably isn’t that fun.”

Virgil just shrugs. “I mean, nah, it’s not that great, but hey, I get to miss school for a day or two.”

“Are they keeping you overnight?”

“Yeah, just for a night, to make sure the saw didn’t have any bad garbage that got in my finger.”

Although they were surprised, they didn’t mind Virgil staying if it would keep him safe and prevent his finger from getting injured any further.

“Do you want me to go and bring you anything?” Logan asks, grabbing Virgil’s not sliced-but-sewed up hand and holding it. They both grin at each other.

“I’ve already texted Patton about what happened and he’s gonna bring me… food. He didn’t specify what, but he yelled about bringing me sustenance.”

“Sounds about right. Are you sure you don’t need anything?”

He rolls his eyes. “Honestly, Lo? I just want you to be here with me.”

Logan sighs, smiling. “That I can do.”

When Patton comes in later with a tupperware full of leftovers for Virgil, humming as he sees both Logan and Virgil asleep, he smiles at the two. Deciding against waking them, he kisses them both on the head and leaves. Afterwards, Virgil argues he definitely heard Patton humming, and he definitely knew what song it was.

“I just know it’s a love song!” he says.

Logan just chuckles, saying, “Of course it’s a love song, it’s Patton.”

“I’m telling the truth!”

“I believe you,” They tell their boyfriend, laughing. “I’d believe you if you told me the moon was flat.”

Virgil just looks at Logan, and then starts laughing too. “Good thing I only tell the truth about the moon, then.”

#pretend i didn't post this like a month late #also #first time posting writing on tumblr!#kinda nervous #ts sides #sanders sides #fanfic #fanfiction #analogical #perce writes #ts virgil #ts logan #nonbinary!logan #blood tw #injury tw #soulmate au

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deniigi · 5 years

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Any advice on how to stay focused? Whenever I study I get distracted every few minutes and ended up doing something else much longer than studying. This also counts as work as well and really dont want to get in trouble like this

Ooh. Okay, so this might be a hit-or-miss kind of answer, friend. What works for me might not work for you. I’ll give you as many things as I can which help me get/stay on track, but you’ll probably just have to try a load of things to figure out what works best for you!

—–

Motivation/Interest:

So I suppose the first thing I’ve got to say is that if you’re having a hard time focusing, you either might not be in the right head-space to start focusing or not be stimulated enough or in the right ways by the work you’re trying to do. That’s not really anyone’s fault, but knowing that you’re about to sit down and be still and focus for a long period of time can be challenging in terms of getting yourself to stay on task or hell, even start a task.

One of the ways I combat this is by multitasking. Like, I find that I can do something better if I’m doing two things at once. Usually, that’s something like listening to some kind of instrumental music to keep my mood up when I’m researching or writing academic work, but sometimes, when I’m having a fucking rough go of it, I’ll get some knitting or drawing or something and I’ll use a screenreader to read my articles to me. This way, it feels less like work and more like I’m just listening to a podcast.

If you’re studying for something that requires you to spit facts back at it (like, idk, chemistry or highschool exams or smth) then studying in groups where you can just have a conversation about the material might be helpful in terms of making the work feel less like work.

Power Hours:

I have power hours. I work best between 1pm and 5pm. After 6 or 7 in the evening, my attention and writing quality and just generally my critical thinking skills drop the fuck off. My quality of work goes down by like 50% at least.

My colleague, on the other hand, can only work from 8am to 3pm. My partner works best almost exclusively from 11pm to 2am.

I feel like we’ve all got this period of time when we’re able to focus better than we do in the space around it. Figuring out your own power hours might help you plan your day around your work. You might just be forcing yourself to do things earlier or later than your brain wants, so maybe try moving your schedule around a bit if you can.

Timer:

For certain tasks, I give myself a time limit because I know that I have a tendency to go ham on tasks that don’t require it or not start tasks if I think they don’t have an urgency to them.

This helps me moderate the amount of time I’m spending on a single task and it also makes me go ‘oh, well, thirty minutes to answer emails. Pft. I can do that. That’s no problem. There’s only 4 emails.’ and then just like that the emails are out of the way and I’ve actually got more time in my day.

So yeah, a timer might help you break tasks up into more manageable chunks. Don’t be too strict with yourself if you use one, though. You’re human, the timer is not.

Reward System:

I reward myself for every bit of work that I successfully complete. I am essentially a complicated dog. I do the trick, I get the treat. Once I am done with the treat, I am ready to do another trick.

Treats for me are things like making a cup of tea, poking around the internet, watching a funny video, etc. etc.

If I do a really big thing which requires intense focus for many hours, I’ll reward myself with something a little bigger. I.e. A nice dinner. A trinket or a walk or a bit of shopping or smth at the end of the day/week.

All work should be rewarded, even in small increments throughout the day, even when you’re the one doing the rewarding. Be kind to yourself!

Additionally, treats give you a goal to work towards! (i.e. I will do one hour of reading, then I can have!! A snack!! I am excited for the snack! Let’s do this reading!!)

(Also don’t deny yourself things as a punishment for not completing tasks. Fuck that. Nah. Positive reinforcement is almost always a better teacher than punishment.)

Avoiding Overload:

You might be getting distracted because you have a thousand things you have to do and you’re thinking about them while you’re trying to do that one thing. You might also be experiencing some executive dysfunction, anxiety, depression, etc which might be eating into your drive to focus on a task.

There are loads of layered reasons why focusing/doing work is hard sometimes and even often.

When I get to this point, I break down tasks. I try not to give myself more than 3 tasks to do per day because I find that I can usually manage 3 tasks, even on a bad day. This way, I don’t feel so overloaded and I feel like I’m making progress, even when things are looming on the horizon.

Like, okay, you can panic-study or cram for a test, or you can re-read your notes one day, flick through the lecture notes the next day, and then plan out an essay you might write the next day and none of that should take more than 30 min to an hour, so by the time the test rolls around, you can be chill in the knowledge that you have studied, you just haven’t crammed.

I realize that this involves some planning and time-management skills that we aren’t really encouraged culturally to learn (and for whatever reason, a lot of people think it’s cool to procrastinate and cram-study or write), but when it comes to like, being kind to yourself and giving yourself the time you need to complete a larger task and actually learn from that experience, it really is an essential skill to learn.

Taking Breaks:

I take a lot of breaks. I take a break at least every hour. Usually every 40-50 min when I’m working. Otherwise I’ll burn myself out and I won’t be able to prolong my researching/studying. This acts as a reset and a treat (see above. I am still a complicated dog), so that you can process the material that you’re thinking about. For this, I wouldn’t go more than 10-20 min, depending on the task you just completed (the bigger the task, the longer the break.)

But yeah. Work doesn’t have to be continuous. If continuous work doesn’t work for your brain, don’t force it to. It’s just gonna leave you frustrated and unmotivated.

—–

So yeah, anon. This is what I’ve got. I’m sure others have some good recs too.

Mostly, the way I approach focusing and productivity is by trying to be as empathetic and kind to myself as I can be within the confines of the task at hand. I don’t really ascribe to ideas about working yourself to the bone or forcing yourself to do something your body and brain don’t want to do.

It’s all about finding the rhythms and contexts that suit you. So like, try:

listening to certain types of music during a task

changing your method of study (i.e. listening to the material instead of reading it, playing games, making maps, pictures, etc)

making a list of 3 tasks you will complete in the day/study session

giving yourself little things and breaks to work towards

moving yourself to a new place to change your environment (perhaps go to the library or to a cafe or something and study there if you have a hard time focusing at home)

maybe even find something to fidget with in your hands

Anyways, I hope this gives you something to work with and I encourage folks to leave other strategies in the comments!

#writing advice #long post #if lack of focus happens to you consistently anon #you might also take it up with your doc!#while I'm not saying that all lack of focus stems from mental health issues or neurodivergency if these things are underlying your struggles #then you can and should absolutely get specialized help for them!

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oddishfeeling · 5 years

Text

i have been living in the most disempowered state for the last few months because of the discomfort that comes with realizing ur old habits no longer suit the present or future u want for urself. its been really difficult to be as painfully honest as ive needed to be in order to inact any lasting change in my life n my habits.

ive even discussed this discrepancy with my friends and coworkers, lazy but ambitious, lazy but actually just secretly afraid of failing, lazy as a habit, lazy as an IDENTIFIER and personality trait— this article was a nice reminder that the language we have with ourselves can give the wrong things power but it can also give the right things power too.

it was also a good reminder of how important we make other people’s opinions of us and how we mistakenly let these opinions define us even tho they hold no real truth or value.

i have felt like ive been screaming in a glass box even tho i built the box n i have the key to the door to get into the box and actually the door isnt locked at all and theres no lock in the door either— the key is a distraction n there to mix me up— all i need to do is turn the handle and walk out

ive felt inhibited in expressing myself for so long that it feels like ive become a bit of a stranger to myself. i lost sight so easily of who i am and what i want n it could easily be that my habits dont align with my authentic self, theres also a high chance depression and anxiety are involved as well and a great deal of discomfort comes from not being able to tell the difference between which issues are what

what i do know is i need to change something if i want to see change and fear of failure of looking dumb n silly of being WRONG.. they are jus tiny bumps in the road to where im going. they are things i can learn to deal with in a healthy way n theyre things we all experience. i cant let concerns and fears as regular as these keep me from at least trying or keep me from knowing its ok for me to fail! how am i supposed to get anything done this way.

anyways ive read a lot of things. articles and books or whatever. ive listening to a lot of things too, audiobooks and podcasts. and ive probably watched more things than both of those two categories. youtube videos, ted talks, movies, tv shows. and ive been inspired in all three ways.

but like motivation, inspiration is not enough

this article inspired me and another one i read yesterday was so inspiring i was still thinking about it late last night

but i still didnt change anything. i didnt do anything differently last night. in fact if im being honest i was even less productive than i usually am n that’s not saying much

the unchecked boxes in my bulletjournal sometimes get together n laugh. they laugh at all my good intentions in all their empty boxedness.

i keep waiting for something to change me 😭 maybe because in the past, any changes were made from an external source. good or bad they happened to me. it’s almost like i dont think i have the true ability to inact any lasting positive change in my life, let alone multiple. maybe this is part of becoming older. realizing ur control and what attempts to take it away.

ive only ever envisioned a life for myself that was of my own making. 🗣i want to create my life🗣

slowly but surely i go

feb 20, 2019

#words #ask polly #feel free to delete my essay if u wanted to reblog #love u chickadees

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mawbwehownets · 5 years

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Yep. I'm a curious mofo and your one of my favorite blogs.

dam alright…. i cut out the three i already answered

peach: do you have any piercings or tattoos?

i have regular ol ear piercings! i really want a septum and maybe a lip ring someday but like. my pain tolerance is so low its gonna take a while to get there,

raspberry: favorite flower?

ive said this before, i dont really know a Whole Lot about flowers but my go-to is always forget-me-nots

mango: what is your trademark?

agejsh you tell me idk!!!! i guess if this is meant to be. like. physically. i have a baseball cap i wear a lot that says “love always wins” on the side + its got a lesbian pin and a “… you know ;)” mcelroy pin

passion fruit: how would you describe your style?

im…. unsatisfied w it fjehfj

i have a lot of self esteem issues still and also. as a fat person its hard to find anything that fits you right so i dont really have my. desired style yet

preferably i wanna get to some sorta space punk aesthetic? but rn im just in ‘whatever fits and is comfortable’

pineapple: sexual orientation?

lesbian baybey

strawberry: favorite desserts?

ough fuck… its so unhealthy but i love meringue cake fjehf its the perfect combo of cronch and soft

grape: if you could take a vacation anywhere in the world, where would you go?

WEST VIRGINIA…… MOUNTAIN MAMA……… COUNTRY ROADS………….. TAKE ME TO MY BEST FRIENDS HOME…………………

i also would like to go to nyc and see be more chill in the theatre but i know that aint EVER gonna happen fjebfh. id maybe like to go to alabama and see some mh locations!! but probably After virginia. id get my best friend to drive us both there. beat a man to death with a rock in a tunnel, yk, get the true experience

blackberry: is your life an action film, a comedy, a romantic comedy, or drama?

this is like. one of those really bad dramas where it inadvertently Becomes a comedy

pomegranate: when do you feel the most confident?

uhhhh. when i pretend like i am fhdhd fake it til you make it is Legit Advice yall

cantaloupe: what are your parents’ names?

redacted and redacted but my mom has. a Very white suburban mom name

guava: dark & dramatic makeup or natural makeup?

i hate like. complexion makeup so im gonna ignore all that and pretend like this is only abt eyeshadow and lipstick and in that case WHATEVER THE FUKC YOU WANT i think eye makeup is So Cool no matter which direction its in!!

tangelo: if you could be any mythical creature, which would you be?

idk i like satyrs a lot!! mayhabeth them

plum: favorite clothing brands?

does ANYONE in the world have a favorite clothing brand. legitimate question. i just scuttle into a store, grab whatever doesnt hurt my body and Leave

coconut: favorite perfume?

i dont wear perfume basically at all or rly know anyone who does agehdg

lychee: satin or lace?

ive never felt satin i dont think??? i couldnt tell you

blueberry: what do you want to dress up as for halloween?

i never get invited anywhere on halloween i dont fuckign know fhehr

but. if i Had to choose….

apple: what do you use more, tumblr or twitter?

kiwi: what’s something that fascinates you?

i think i have a total of. like. five posts on twitter

watermelon: do you have a job? if so, what is your job title?

i mean…. a lot!!!! the world is so exciting and brimming with life and mysteries like how can you Not be intrigued by all that

papaya: what song describes your aesthetic?

absolutely not im jus out here

cranberry: favorite time of the day; morning, afternoon, dusk, or night?

summertime by my chemical romance… also this danish song called ‘en varm nats kølige luft’ by panamah AND humility by gorillaz its sorta. its different vibes of the same feel

nectarine: would you consider yourself an emotional person?

i really like dusk/nighttime!

orange: do you have long eyelashes?

im literally only up right now because i couldnt stop thinking abt two fictional characters and getting sad and crying over them. Yeah

apricot: what do you do when you’re sad?

i mean. decently. they sometimes brush against my glasses fhebbfb

star fruit: favorite sea creature?

if im at a point where its healthy for me to vibe w the sadness i put on some mellow tunes to cultivate it and channel it and ride it out, but if im Not i usually draw and/or listen to really upbeat music, distract myself w some podcasts or yt videos, stuff like that

ough fuck… idk theyre all so baby. i like whale sharks a lot

if its served 2 me! i dont go out with the specific purpose of drinking but i have a glass of wine with my parents every now and then

dragonfruit: do you drink alcohol?

#txt #answered #my man. im.#yay #im too tired to remember all the ys and as of that url im sorry thats your tag now #ask meme #long post

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