#i am so unstable ab this

[energeticwarrior]

:)

#i am so unstable ab this #:D #he looks so endearing in both #daniel howell #dan howell #mine

[tenpixelsusie]

i thinkg i, scare people sometimes

#if i've ever been like ''ohh it's too late for me'' to you and you were like. trying to keep me from hurting myself. i truly apologize #i am. admittedly. a VERY unstable person and i think i've hurt and sxared ppl a lot when i say these things and stuff #so um. yeah #im workong on it though 👍 trying to control my urges/thoughts ab offing myself bc they TAKE OVER and i cant think straight for that moment #this isnt me trying to excuse how i act ab them btw. and it never will be #its just me explaining how it affects me. and i think i dont think ab how it effects other ppl around me #so tldr im super sorry if i've ever made you panic about my well being when i've said i was going to finally off myself #tw sui ideation #tw suicide mention #tw sui implied

[anonymouspuzzler]

awright who let puzz play psychonauts again and start Thinking

It Never Ends! I am once again thinking about Psychonauts and specifically thinking about Loboto. Even More Specifically, I replayed the first game Yet Again recently and on hitting the scene where Loboto removes Dogen’s brain, had a moment of “huh, he’s like, way more measured and composed than I remembered,” and God Help Me that sent me on a horrible unending spiral of Revisiting and Thinking About and Theorizing On Things. And Now You Must All Read My Discoveries As Well. (placed under readmore because 1) this is gonna get long and 2) my god there will be major spoilers for Every Psychonauts Game.)

Welcome To The Thunderdome. Let’s Begin. In particular I am going to present to and discuss with you Three Distinct Things I Am Thinking About Loboto Based On In-Game Evidence That I Will Extrapolate, Present, and Argue To You All:

Cal’s childhood lobotomy did not, in fact, remove his psychic powers, only cut off his ability to consciously access and utilize them. He is still unconsciously using psychic abilities at the point that we see him in the games.

One of the most prominent impacts of the lobotomy on Cal appears to be his inability to recognize when he is doing harm, and to a certain related degree, how to interpret other peoples’ responses to him. When Raz helps recover his “moral compass”, Loboto actually becomes significantly more unstable as he struggles to process this, having likely gone most of his life without these capabilities.

Both of the above are causing some variant of Mental Projection to occur in Loboto’s mind, creating multiple conflicting archetypes/personas similar to what’s happening in Cassie’s mind.

So let’s go through each of these one by one! In excruciating detail!!

1) Cal’s childhood lobotomy did not, in fact, remove his psychic powers, only cut off his ability to consciously access and utilize them. He is still unconsciously using psychic abilities at the point that we see him in the games.

So for this one, we’re going to go through my evidence from “most textual” to “a little more speculative” in roughly that order. Obviously, none of this is explicit, but I’m doing my damndest to use things that can be fairly reasonably cited from Actual In Game rather than too deep in fanon/speculation.

The most textual example of Loboto having lingering psychic abilities despite his lobotomy is, in fact, his mental world in Psychonauts 2! This is something that’s a little more obvious on a rewatch/replay.

When you’re going through the game/level the first time, Sasha especially spends a lot of time discussing how Loboto’s mind must have been booby-trapped and messed with by his employer, because otherwise Loboto wouldn’t be able to resist the construct and otherwise give the agents the degree of run-around he’s putting them through. On a first playthrough, that makes perfect sense, especially when this plus additional evidence leads the agents to conclude Loboto’s employer was a mole within the Psychonauts itself. Obviously, a psychic from the agency messed with Loboto’s head and left all these psychic booby-traps for their coworkers!

But once you reach the end of the game and go back and look at this again, you realize, hey, wait. Loboto’s boss wasn’t a psychic at all! Quite explicitly!

Now I’m going to take a moment to argue against my own argument here, because there is evidence that Gristol would have been able to psychically fuck with Loboto despite not having psychic abilities himself.

[Image ID: A screenshot from a cutscene in Psychonauts 2, showing the receptionist at the Motherlobe levitating a ThinkerPrint Reader (a small brain-shaped disc with a blue glowing eye symbol in the middle). End ID.]

We see in-game that these little brain-disc-things - which Gristol would have had access to via Truman, since Truman has one on his person - are able to provide some limited degree of psychic power even to people who don’t otherwise have those abilities. Namely, the front desk receptionist is able to telekinetically lift one and scan Raz with it when he arrives, despite dialogue later on suggesting she isn’t a psychic herself. It’s entirely possible Gristol used that to fuck with Loboto’s head and place all those psychic booby traps.

But ho ho!! Now I’m going to counter-argue this counter-argument, to get you all back on board with my original argument!! Because despite this possibility, it’s also pretty textual that Gristol is a fuck-up who’s not very good at planning. The entirety of Psychonauts 2 is a display of him not really having any back-up plans for any possible hiccups in his original plan (as soon as Lili reveals a boyfriend he didn’t know about, his response is Fake A Coma), and of said plan being undone mostly by his own sloppy work (shipping his own body back to the base in a poorly-taped box with a key to his former residence in his pockets). The thought of this same man having the capability and foresight to set up numerous highly effetive psychic booby-traps in the brain of his hired help, just in case that hired help got captured and psychically interrogated… it doesn’t feel likely.

(Now that I write it all out, in a lot of ways it feels like Gristol just… forgot about-slash-disregarded Loboto after he did the dirty work of kidnapping Truman and swapping the brains. Like, he only appears once in Gristol’s Big Special Mind-Ride of his Brilliant Plan, at the very end, in a barely-held-together-backroom type of area, and Gristol never so much as brings him up by name. Heck, in retrospect, I wouldn’t be surprised if Gristol deciding to Play Coma was equally as prompted by Guy Who Knows Everything, Who He Completely Disregarded and Left For Dead, falling out of a luggage rack unexpectedly right in front of him and Five Guys He's Trying To Fool Into Thinking He's Normal All The Time Truman. This is all totally off the topic at hand, though.)

Anyway! So Gristol being able to do anything significant and sophisticated vis-a-vis “psychic traps in Loboto’s mindscape” is wildly unlikely. While there’s still other possible explanations - Gristol maybe having other psychics in his employ in the Delugianaries or secret police, for example - that’s purely speculative and not supported by the text in any kind of reasonably-explicit way, which is what I’m trying to focus on for the purposes of this argument. Hey, you know what is explicit in the text, though? Loboto once having psychic powers, to a degree that he was using telekinesis Very Capably as a Literal Infant. That, combined with all the above evidence (plus other circumstantial stuff we’ll get into in a second), means the most likely answer to “how is Loboto resisting the agents and the mental construct?” is “his psychic powers are still There, and acting subconsciously to protect Loboto in this situation, even though he’s no longer able to access and use those powers by conscious effort”.

Now let’s get to evidence of a “still textual, but not as compelling” flavor. For this, we’re going to go back to the original Psychonauts, and also touch on Rhombus of Ruin a bit.

As some of y’all probably remember from messing around in the original game, because there’s still some of that point-and-click inventory flavor, you can try to use the psycho-portal on characters that don’t have mental worlds, and you’ll get some flavor text explaining in some form or another why you can’t do that. This includes Crispin (you get a note from Loboto saying he’s protected “his patient” from psychic procedures, Haha Hey Man Uhhh How Did Y), Sheegor, and most pressingly for this line of argument, Loboto himself, who claims his shower cap is protecting his mind from being entered.

This Is All Well and Good until Literally The Next Day In-Universe when his mind is able to be entered. Twice, in fact. Please recall that the start of Psychonauts 2 is, at a stretch, maybe a few hours after Rhombus of Ruin. (“Haha well Puzz clearly they just retconned it so they could do a Loboto mental world–” no. That’s not Fun and it’s not Text. This overthinking-ass essay is about Engaging With The Text As It Stands.)

So what’s different about the first time Raz (et all) attempts to enter Loboto’s mind (in the original game) and the second-slash-third time (during and after Rhombus of Ruin)? Nothing that would particularly have an impact, except for one big thing: in the latter cases, Loboto is either “immediately in the presence of” or “has just barely left the immediate presence of” Like A Lot Of Psilirium. You Know. The Rock That Dampens Psychic Powers. Which leads me to believe Loboto’s psychic powers are still active, just in an unconscious way (protecting him from psychic invasion without him even realizing it) instead of in a way he has to consciously act on.

Now, why am I categorizing this as less compelling evidence than Loboto resisting the mental construct later on? Because unlike that case, there actually is a reasonable, textual alternative to the answer of “yeah Loboto’s still unconsciously psychic”. The answer is named Coach Morceau Oleander.

Unlike Gristol, Oleander has a lot going for him on the level of “could fuck with Loboto’s mind a bit to put up some psychic defenses”. For one, Oleander is a psychic, and despite everything, a highly trained and very powerful one. (Like, much as he’s kind of a goofy fuck-up, Oleander’s also implied to have been an agent for at least as long as Sasha and Milla, and he’s able to hold his own in a fight against both of them at once - it literally takes Ford flying in and de-braining him to win that confrontation.) Two, we already have textual evidence of Oleander messing with people’s brains to his own ends, in the form of both Linda (though in some ways that could loop back around to supporting Loboto Is Still Psychic, since he seems to have had some degree of a hand in that) and more prominently, poor ol’ Boyd. If he was able to do that much involuntarily with Boyd, it doesn’t seem out of the question for him to hop in and put up some psychic defenses for more voluntary subjects like Crispin and Loboto. It would also make sense for those defenses to either wear down or wear off once Loboto was in the presence of Psilirium, thus continuing to explain why Loboto’s protected in the first game but not in any of the games following.

So - taken on its own, not particularly decisive evidence. In combination with the much-stronger “resisting the mental construct” example, though, I’d say it presents a pretty strong case.

Now comes my most tenuous and speculative example. This is about as much as a stretch I’m going to let myself go with any of these - a case of “well you can extrapolate this from the text provided, I guess, even if it never says it explicitly to any kind of degree”.

Ladies, gentlemen, and those rightfully opting out. It is time to talk about Loboto’s Fucking Prosthetic.

[Image ID: A full rotation of Loboto’s “Monstroboto” character model, which shows him shirtless with the full prosthetic right arm visible. It is attached to his torso with several straps and has a single visible hinge at the elbow.]

Look at this thing. This is a fucking mannequin arm with a pepper grinder on it. How Is This Thing Able To Operate With Any Kind of Sophistication Without Telekinesis. Like, the man is gesticulating and grabbing objects and tapping his little knife fingers, how in the Hell.

There’s a lot of reasons this is tenuous evidence at best. For one, we only get this super clear view of the entire prosthetic construction inside Loboto’s mind, which means it’s extremely possible it’s abstracted, metaphorical, or an abstracted metaphor in one form or another. (I don’t interpret Loboto’s exposed brain as textual in the “real world” for this reason - we only ever see it exposed in his mental worlds, and in both cases in a scenario where him having an exposed brain under the cap serves some kind of symbolic/metaphorical purpose - but for several reasons, the prosthetic feels more grounded in reality despite this. Anyway, that’s all a tangent regardless.) There could also be hidden mechanics that allow it to move the way it does, or it could just be an abstraction of the art style (though again, I’m trying not to let out-of-story things like that be answers to these questions). But it’s really hard to imagine the Hinged Peppermill With Claws having the range of movement it does without Loboto unconsciously moving it with telekinesis.

For that matter, I feel similarly about his eye lenses - we see them moving around independently, zooming in and out without him touching them, and so on, and like… how? How?? Maybe it’s just that I’m not biomechanically minded-slash-informed, but “yeah he’s just moving them psychically without realizing” does feel like a more viable answer than any alternatives, if not one with a ton of super obvious and textual evidence behind it. Once again, though, in combination with other evidence, it does have more weight behind it.

In summary: Loboto’s able to resist psychic interference, actively fight back against trained Psychonauts in his own mind, and move his various prosthetics and augments in highly refined ways. All these things, especially taken all together, make the most sense if you assume his psychic powers are still acting subconsciously, and he’s just not able to consciously access and use them in the ways he did pre-lobotomy.

2) One of the most prominent impacts of the lobotomy on Cal appears to be his inability to recognize when he is doing harm, and to a certain related degree, how to interpret other peoples’ responses to him. When Raz helps recover his “moral compass”, Loboto actually becomes significantly more unstable as he struggles to process this, having likely gone most of his life without these capabilities.

This is going to be a little less “I cite direct evidence in support of my argument” and more “I point out specific scenes and instances of behavior, how I’m interpreting them, and why I’m interpreting that way”. Hopefully you will stick with me here.

So, as I stated waaaay back at the start of this, what set me off on this whole journey was going back through some of the original Psychonauts cutscenes, seeing Loboto in action, and going, “Woah, hey, he’s like way more measured than I remembered him being”. So let’s go into more detail on that and unpack it a bit!!

There’s a consistent and distinct pattern of behavior Loboto exhibits in his scenes in the first game: screeching, in-your-face Mad Scientist rambling, and then suddenly, these dips into like… oddly quiet, composed, weirdly Professional (if decidedly eccentric) behavior. The cutscenes with Dogen are a really good example - he has his big INSANITY OF A MANATEE THIS WILL ONLY HURT TILL YOUR BRAIN COMES FLYING OUT speech, but in-between and especially after that, he kind of quiets down and starts acting like an Actual Slightly Eccentric Dentist. (In fact, here’s the full transcript of the scene that sent me down this whole rabbit-hole, for context:

Dr. Loboto: Oh, good boy! There's that pesky brain. Here's a tissue. Now don't you feel better, my dear lad? Dogen: [Now brainless] TV..? Dr. Loboto: Of course! Right here. [Loboto picks up Dogen's brain off the floor.] And THIS bad tooth, we'll just drop it in the ol' garbage chute. Now don't chew solid foods for the next six hours!

It really knocked me off balance seeing it, so I made a point of going and watching the full Lili’s bracelet clairvoyance cutscene in full, to see if he behaved similarly there. And he didn’t! He’s full Mad Scientist Haha Crazy there, the entire time!! I had to think on it for a while, and I realized there was one major difference - Lili continues to be defiant and difficult in conversation the entire time, while Dogen responds pretty calmly and doesn’t start freaking out until it’s clear His Brain Will Be Removed, which is also when Loboto starts going more Mad Scientist again. (Again, below’s the full transcript of the Lili scene for context.)

Dr. Loboto: Well, I've reviewed your chart, little girl. The bad news is, we're going to have to remove your brain... strap it into an armored battle tank, and have it shoot down innocent civilians with its concentrated psychic death beam! Lili: I'm gonna kill you so much. Dr. Loboto: The good news is that your insurance is going to cover the whole thing. So! ... Hey, is it getting warm in here? Lili: No, I'm trying to set you on fire through this stupid hat! Dr. Loboto: What a delightfully mean little brain you have! Just what we want! Here, do me a favor. Tell me if this smells like... YOUR DOOM! Heh heh! Lili: I-I can't smell anything. Dr. Loboto: Curses! [Lili laughs at him] You're a stubborn little ball of phlegm, ain't ya? Well, that head cold won't protect you forever, little girl, and when it's gone you'll be sneezing a different tune. A tune in the key of... brains! HAAA HA HA!

His last big cutscene with Sheegor really hammers everything home. He’s full Mad Scientist again, he’s screaming and experimenting and Actively Threatening and Tormenting Her the entire time. Then Sheegor leaves and just, measured and nonchalant as anything: “When you're a dentist, you have to learn to have a sense of humor, you know. It helps to calm the patient down.” (It’s also worth noting a lot of the torment, at least to me, comes off as kinda “dipshit older sibling who commits to the bit of teasing Way Way Past where it’s all in good fun for the younger sibling”. Like he just keeps Going and Playfully Backing Off and then Actually Still Going. It’s so awful it loops around to being funny again. I'm so so sorry Sheegor I love you and you don't deserve this but I am laughing)

I think Loboto really, unironically, genuinely thinks this is what he’s doing in all these situations. He’s a dentist, he’s got all these difficult patients around, so he’s going to joke with them! A bit of friendly teasing and playing up his eccentric behavior to get them to calm down for the procedure! At the point where all this is happening, I think he’s genuinely incapable of comprehending-slash-accepting that he’s actually doing harm and that they’re actually, rightfully scared of him. Not in a like “oh uwu he didn’t know he did anything bad he’s just a nice guyyyy” way, but in a “his brain is literally, textually, physically damaged in such a way that he cannot comprehend this” way. As far as he can tell, he’s doing some freelance dentistry (plus or minus a few things, you know how it is when you’re doing work-for-hire type stuff, you never know what the client’s gonna ask you for) and sometimes he’s gotta joke around when he gets a patient that’s nervous or difficult. All in good fun!

Then, of course, we get Rhombus of Ruin and the mental compass. If you’ve played or watched that game, you know all this already. Raz recovers the mental compass from the vault and Loboto’s demeanor completely shifts again. He recognizes aloud, for the first time since we’ve been introduced to him, that he has done Horrible Things. (We will see him continuing to do this in his level in Psychonauts 2, but we’ll get to that.) He seems, very genuinely, saddened and horrified with himself as he says all this. Raz has very literally reintroduced Physical-Slash-Psychic Capacity To Recognize Harm to Loboto’s brain. Given what we learn about Loboto’s past here, it is very much possible that this is the first time he has had this capability since he was a very young child.

Another thing that happens is, in rapid succession, Loboto chooses to Immediately Make Reconciliatory Actions (releasing the Psychonauts, telling the fish henchmen to leave), and then also Blow The Building Up Right Now. For No Clear Reason. For Zero Benefit, In Fact, The Opposite Of Benefit, He Also Has to Frantically Escape This Now. It’s completely illogical, erratic behavior that’s in conflict with itself. And that pattern… kind of stays consistent from that point out, actually! Almost his entire appearance in 2 is him very literally arguing with himself, acting in erratic and conflicting ways - pretty much going to the Psychonauts for protection and redemption yet also actively giving them the run-around and preventing them from finding his boss; alternately trying to connect with or get pity from the agents, then being aggressive or insulting towards them, then being kind of playfully, teasingly antagonistic at worst. While Raz reintroducing his moral compass is probably objectively a good thing for Loboto in the long run, in the short-term having that level of major, major change in his damaged brain seems to have significantly destabilized his behavior and sense of identity (we’ll get into that in just a moment) in ways that make him much less predictable and more erratic compared to how he was pre-RoR.

In summary: Loboto at the time of the original Psychonauts is eccentric and dangerous, but he’s also consistent and stable in his behavior and identity, acting consistently as a freelance dentist who plays up his eccentricity, teasing or otherwise joking around in an effort to “calm down” his “patients”. It’s likely he’s physically unable to comprehend that he’s doing harm and scaring people, due to the brain damage from his childhood lobotomy. Raz reintroducing his moral compass in Rhombus of Ruin fixes this, but makes Loboto much more unstable and unpredictable as he grapples both with the harm he’s done over the years, and with trying to suddenly live with a brain function he hasn’t had for most of his life.

3) Both of the above are causing some variant of Mental Projection to occur in Loboto’s mind, creating multiple conflicting archetypes/personas similar to what’s happening in Cassie’s mind.

In connection with the above, It’s Time To Talk About the Multiple Lobotos.

[Image ID: A screenshot from Psychonauts 2, showing two Lobotos in his mental world - one in bright light sitting in a dentist chair on the right side, the other standing in the shadows on the left. End ID.]

Every time we see Loboto’s mental world, there are multiple distinct, individual, and simultaneous versions of Loboto Himself in operation. Not different and distinctly individual personalities, like Fred and Napoleon. Not separated alter-egos representing a part of oneself, like Edgar and El Odio, or Bob and Turnip-Bob. Not even fragmented personalities that appear one at a time, like the different versions of Ford. There are multiple versions of Loboto that are Just A Loboto - literally the most different they get is “one time one of them pretended to be a whaler” - operating at the same time as each other, in the same scenes as each other, interacting with each other, sometimes in direct opposition to each other. There is only one other place in the entire series where we see this happening.

[Image ID: A screenshot from Psychonauts 2, showing the “librarian” Archetype of Cassie O’Pia tearing up a book with Raz on the left side and her three other Archetypes on the right. End ID.]

THAT’S RIGHT BABY AFTER ALL THESE YEARS I FINALLY RETROACTIVELY FOUND AN EXPLANATION FOR THE CALLY O’PIA AU anyway where was I. Yeah.

The way the different versions of Cal operate in his mind and interact with each other is more similar to Cassie’s Archetypes than anything else we see in anyone else’s minds. The only major differences are “Loboto’s Archetypes aren’t flat paper illustrations” (and I think it’s remarkably easy, even reasonable, to assume that’s a Cassie-specific stylization that Raz only retains because Cassie directly teaches him and he’s thus using her Archetypes as a reference point - Cassie’s a writer; what reason would everyone else in the world have to render their Archetypes as if they were illustrations in a book?) and “Loboto doesn’t refer to or treat the other versions of himself as Archetypes” (of course he doesn’t, I don’t see any reason or scenario where he could have reasonably learned about Archetypes, in either a psychological or psychic sense - he literally does not have the knowledge or the language to do this). Honestly, interpreting the different Lobotos as different Archetypes explains a lot about how they act, what they’re doing in Loboto’s mind and why they’re in the parts of the story they are. I am going to talk about each individual version of Loboto and what I think they’re doing Archetype-wise based on the text now, because none of you can stop me.

Psychonauts 2 Loboto #1, AKA Patient Loboto: This guy, and Psychonauts 2 Loboto #2, tie in the most to the above discussion on Loboto becoming more outwardly unstable after recovering his mental compass, and so I’m going to refer back to and expand on that with the both of them. This Loboto is explicitly the one we see in the patient chair during those cutscenes in his level, the one we see speaking to Raz directly in the poster hall section, and I would argue he’s likely the version we see at the very start of the level in the office construct (or at the very least, he's the one "running" Loboto at that point, in the same way the Librarian is "running" Cassie when we first meet her). He’s the version of Loboto we see most blatantly grappling with the return of his mental compass - he regrets the things he’s done in the past, he’s seems to be vying to connect with the agents on some level, he’s genuinely upset about being tricked and about being unable to tell Raz what’s up with his boss. This puts him in direct conflict with…

Psychonauts 2 Loboto #2, AKA Doctor Loboto: This guy is also the result of Loboto’s Newfound Ability To Recognize Morals, but in the opposite direction. He’s the one who’s fully embracing the identity he’s built as an amoral mad-scientist-for-hire, figuring he’s better off just continuing the path he’s already on and disregarding the new knowledge that It’s Wrong, rather than go through all the trouble and misery and Active Risk To Self of trying to Be Redeemed. Basically, he’s the one looking at OG Psychonauts version of Loboto and going What If We Just Went Back To That Actually. Fuck Character Development. He is, obviously, the one we see as the dentist in the cutscenes in Loboto’s level, as well as pretty textually the one who grabs Raz from behind the painting in Lili’s section.

Monstroboto: Back to RoR now! This one’s pretty textual as well - this the uncontrolled, untethered, don’t-know-or-care-if-it-hurts-someone version of Loboto. (As I type this, I realize it’s worth noting, this version of Loboto is very obviously “playing” as he attacks, in the same way I observed Psychonauts 1 Loboto having a playful tone to his antagonism, as if he’s not recognizing that he’s actively hurting and terrifying people while doing so. All his attacks are either that, or actively retaliatory. I'm Simply Saying I Can Read Some Subtext.) Between that and the exposed brain, it’s pretty obvious this is representing the post-lobotomy Loboto (how he sees himself? How he thinks others see him? All that’s speculation, mine friends…) - wreaking havoc on Loboto’s ability to engage with other parts of himself and develop a fully fledged mindscape.

First Mate Loboto: This one’s a little more speculative and could mean a lot of things, but bear with me. As above, this could well be the part of Loboto that wants to distance himself from what he became after the lobotomy - whether that means ignoring it entirely and trying to go back to how things were “before”, or more likely, based on his dialogue, trying to move on and grow past it; “sail for new waters”, in his own words. It’s also possible he’s something of Loboto’s idealized self - he’s just as eccentric and dramatic as the real deal, but at least more theoretically heroic and adventurous - and/or, tying into a lot of the themes of the RoR version of Loboto’s mind, kind of a childish “what I want to be when I grow up” version of himself. (We see lots of nautical themes in Loboto’s childhood, after all, with the sea life toys and the little sailor boy outfit and all; while it’s certainly speculative, it’s not a huge leap to think little Loboto might have wanted to grow up to be like, a sailor or something of that ilk.)

Young Loboto: This one’s pretty obvious; he’s very literally the Inner Child. (You Know. Like Psychology.) Just like Li’l Oly in Oleander’s mind, this is the part of Cal who was Very Hurt when he was Very Young and has never had the means or opportunity to process it - he’s just stuck in that mental vault, buried away, playing out what he’s experienced over and over and over again as a helpless, outside observer. (I think it’s Very telling that Raz releasing the vault and, in essence, establishing a connection between Inner Child Loboto and the other parts of himself is what restores Loboto’s ability to use his moral compass.)

So, in total, we’ve got five distinct Lobotos in play through what we see: Inner Child, First Mate, Monstroboto, Patient and Doctor. And, in a case very similar to what we see of Cassie’s Archetypes, each of these versions of him are a result of a Very Specific Point in his life and a subsequent need to fulfill a Very Specific Purpose for his continued functioning and survival. The Inner Child is, well, Loboto As A Child (and less literally, the version of him that’s kind of holding on to his trauma so the rest of the versions of him don’t necessarily have to reckon with it); Monstroboto is what’s taken over post-lobotomy; First Mate is what he either Wanted or Wants to be and isn’t because of said lobotomy; and Patient and Doctor are the two options he has post-recovering his moral compass, either continuing on the path he’s already on, or abandoning it for the hard road of Trying To Be Better.

And again, much like Cassie, none of those Archetypes on their own are getting the job done on their own. Doctor and Monstroboto are extremely destructive and don’t seem much able to form meaningful relationships because of it, Patient is an erratic coward who’s constantly miserable and collapsing under the weight of What He’s Done, Inner Child is a Child, and First Mate is a cartoon character. It’s very likely that a theoretical healthier, more functional version of Loboto would have to reconcile these different Archetypes the same way we eventually see Cassie do, or at the very least get them on terms where they’re not Actively Opposing Each Other At All Times.

In summary: Loboto has multiple Archetypes active in his mind the same way Cassie does, and much like Cassie, the Archetypes being in conflict with each other plays a major role in his instability, especially post-RoR. Again like Cassie, it’s likely Loboto would have to reconcile his different archetypes - especially the ones in direct conflict, as we see in his mind in Psychonauts 2 - in some form or another to become more mentally stable.

SO IN CONCLUSION, I hope this Rambling Essay and Cited Evidence has convinced you all that:

Loboto is still psychic, but his powers only manifest unconsciously, and he isn’t able to use them by conscious choice as when he was a child. (Whether or not it’s possible for him to eventually re-access those powers consciously is very much a “your guess is as good as mine” situation - Loboto's the only lobotomized psychic we see in the series, and no other in-game sources on the history or results of the practice.)

Regaining his moral compass for the first time since childhood makes Loboto behave significantly more erratically and unpredictably, in no small part because–

Loboto has several mental Archetypes in direct conflict with each other, especially after regaining his moral compass.

What does all this mean? I’m gonna be honest. I don’t know. I just wanted to get all this out of my head. Now it lives in yours instead. Have fun!!

#anonymous puzzler writes #long post #like really long. like REALLY long. i'm so sorry I hope tumblr cuts it properly for all your sakes. #psychonauts #caligosto loboto #psychonauts spoilers #psychonauts 2 spoilers #rhombus of ruin spoilers #tw medical abuse #ask if you need anything else tagged y'all ty! #god help me i just needed this all Out Of My Head. This Is How I Live Out Here

[dreamties]

there's nothing really wrong with me; i'm just choking almost constantly || Polyam! Ghostface x GN! Reader

title from Twinkle Lights by The Sonder Bombs

Reader is dealing with the aftermath of their sexual assault, to which they still haven't told Billy and Stu that it was even a thing that happened. After a particularly rough night, the boys comfort them.

1st person POV

TRIGGER WARNINGS: there is reference to past SA, but it's not too graphic. the reader talks about it and there's like, references about it through out the text- and I know it can be really traumatic for some to read it so PLEASE be careful and read at your own risk. panic attacks, nightmares, i believe that's it !! let me know if I need to add more warnings!!

I blink awake, filled with an erratic, heart-pounding panic. It takes a moment to realize where I am- home, in my bed, by myself. I'm not at the trailer and I can't feel his breath down my neck anymore. 

I let out a shaky breath and sit up slowly, trying not to shock my body anymore.

My body feels unstable and wrong as I walk through the house. My mind and body caught in a fuzzy sort of dream state. 

I dial Stu's phone number, because I know he'll ask less questions than Billy- and that's what I needed right now. Just a distraction.

I school my voice to properly fake that sort of "I'm fine, nothing bad has ever happened to me" tone.

I clear my throat. "Stuey? I know it's a little late, but-"

"Nah, it's okay, baby. Whaddya need?"

I laugh- of course Stu sounds so chipper, he was likely up looking at Play Boys or watching total torture porn (aka a load of trash). 

"Could you pick me up? It'd be nice to stay at your place tonight." 

I can practically hear him grin on the other line. "Ab-so-LUTE-ly!"

I kind of half-giggle and thank him. I pull on an extra-long hoodie and grab the handmade Michael Myers plush my friend gave me off my bed. I wait out on the front porch for him to arrive. 

I settle into Stu's bed, and he hurriedly puts his magazines and other items under his bed, careless to the minor scrumpling to his merchandise. 

“Hey baby,” he kisses the top of my head and I try not to shrink away too much when he does so. I know it’s Stu, I know I’m safe- I can still feel his touch around my body, his hands at my throat, though. It’s so hard not to think he’s there with me, in bed next to Stu and I.

I smile at him and let him turn his lamp off even if the darkness and the looming shadows in his room are wholly disorienting.

I can feel a light tickle against the shell of my ear, like someone is whispering, “I won't be able to stop myself.” I shake him off of me and turn to my other side.

Just leave me alone, please.

I probably toss in my sleep the whole night, but Stu doesn’t seem bothered when we wake in the morning. My eyes are bleary and blinking back tears, hoping he doesn’t see. 

I should know better than to think Stu could keep any secret from Billy. I'm still surprised, however, that Billy jostles into the Macher's kitchen at 9am, already with a prickled attitude.

I drop the spoon into my bowl of cereal, milk splashing up and over onto the counter. I try to school my expression into something more neutral, so my surprise doesn’t hurt him. 

“Billy,” I greet. 

He replies back with my name, which I can only half-hear through the fuzzy, distant feeling in my body. 

Billy sits on a stool next to me, moving my bowl a little further from my reach. “Why were you up so late?”

I half-laugh, still tired, still groggy. “What, I’m not allowed to stay up?” I tease. And the hurt sick feeling settles in my throat. 

Billy shakes his head and sighs- he’s clearly frustrated. 

Stupid. Stop teasing him, he’s- I physically shake the thought off. Trying desperately to repel the negative energy like water to oil. Get it together.

“C’mon,” Billy tries again. He seems abnormally pissy, and I wonder what Stu told him on the phone. It’s no way that either of them could have figured it out, but the lump in my throat still grows at the possibility. 

“Just- missed Stu. That’s all.”

“You brought along your plushy,” he says, like that’s supposed to prove anything. “And that big hoodie of yours that you only wear when you’re sad.”

“Did Stu tell you that?” I try not to sound too antsy or annoyed. I know they’re only worried. Of course they’re worried- of course they know my tells like the back of their hands. I should have just stayed home, even if that meant waking up with the feeling of him pressed against my body. 

He nods. “You always tell us what’s wrong,” and he whispers my name in that hard-soft tone he gets when he’s anxious. I shiver.

“Nothing’s. . . nothing’s wrong.” I try and I know it’s bullshit. It’s a dumb attempt and Billy sees right through it. “Nothing that you can fix.” 

And I know Billy takes it as a personal attack- that I think he can’t take care of me. That his comfort isn’t enough, that he isn’t enough. I don’t know how to tell him that’s not what I meant, though, without telling him what happened. It feels hard to breathe, I take a shaky, sharp breath in. It doesn’t help. 

I don’t even know what’s going on, my eyes teary and blurred. My ears are ringing out. My body feels so fuzzy and too soft at the edges. My thoughts muddle in my brain and I don’t know if I'm breathing or talking or breathing or- I gasp out. 

Stu’s hands hold my shoulders tightly, trying to ground me. He’s done it a hundred times before, and it works nearly every time. 

My breath is labored, heavy and quick. Too quick. I still can’t feel myself breathing.

Billy and Stu both try to reassure me- I think. Their voices still unclear through the fog. 

“‘M sorry, ‘m sorry, sorry, sorry,” I repeat, till the word feels unsafe and garbled through my lips. “Shouldn't have to- shouldn’t have, shouldn’t have to. Have to- have to worry.”

My voice sounds so far away, like I’m speaking into a dying microphone, to the clashing, screaming crowd before me. Feeling so unheard, so unseen, even at center stage. 

The fog fades around Billy’s voice. “Hey, hey, it’s fine. Just- stop apologizing,” my name is slow on his tongue. “Can you hear me? C’mon, baby, you’re worrying Stu.” 

And I should respond. But everything just feels so- off. I’m not even sure what I’d say. I don’t want to explain myself. 

When the fog finally finally cuts through, I can breathe again. I’m sitting on the tiled floor of the Macher kitchen, with my knees pulled up against my chest. Billy and Stu sit on either side of me, their hands tentatively retracted from my body. 

I can finally breathe in the clearing. I could cry, if feeling my feelings didn’t hurt so much. If everything didn’t hurt. 

My breath takes a while to steady, and when it does, Billy takes this as a sign to pounce on me again. 

“What happened, baby?” And he sounds so . . . concerned. It hurts to know I’m hurting him. My body aches with every pound of my heart against my chest. 

“I think I had a panic attack,” I managed. 

Stu lets out an awkward laugh, and I don’t freak out this time when he touches my shoulder. “No shit!” 

He murmurs an apology and repeats himself, quieter now. It was sweet. Stu was so sweet and I can’t get over myself to just- live and not cause all this . . . all this angst and trial and tribulations between us. Billy would remind me- if I vocalized this ache - in my own words, that having tough emotions aren’t a burden. It feels like it is though. 

“I’m sorry,” I try and Billy shushes me. He seems annoyed still, I know it’s just the look he has when he’s scared, though.

Fuck, he’s scared. Get yourself together.

I swallow down the lump in my throat.

“Okay, fine. I can’t apologize, I get it.” I realize now that my voice croaks out, like I'd been crying. 

My eyes still feel hazy around the edges and they still struggle to focus on anything properly. 

“What can I say then?” I teasingly ask, and I feel sick to my stomach. 

Please don’t ask me why. Please don’t ask why. Please don’t ask why. Please.

“What’s up with you?” Billy asks. I’m not sure if that’s any better of a question though. 

“I- I can’t tell you.”

Billy rolls his eyes. “We can’t help you if we don’t know what’s wrong.”

Stu sighs, giving my shoulder a gentle squeeze. His fingers tense when he speaks. “Please? We won’t- Stu glances at Billy and then back at myself- I won’t ask any other questions, I promise.” 

I give a humorless laugh in response. “Real assuring.”

“C’mon, I can’t control what Billy does,” he whines.

And there it is again. The lump in my throat. His breath tickling against my face. “I just can’t control myself around you.”

The attempts to shake off his incessant greed seem to only be in vain.

“Just- just get off of me, please,” I have to wrench the words out of my throat. “Please, ‘m sorry for- I’m sorry- just. Let go.”

Stu quickly winds his hand from my shoulder and puts his hands up, in defense. He looks at me all confused, his eyes wide and his brows furrowed. 

He lowers his hands and gives me those stupid, big blue puppy eyes.  “What’s wrong?” And he says it so gently. His voice felt warm and comforting.

“Just- I. Give me a moment.” 

“Okay,” both boys reply. 

“I- I think I was sexually assaulted.” My voice comes out in a tight whisper, lodged somewhere between my throat and the tension of the kitchen conversation. “I thought- I thought it was my fault or maybe it didn’t- it didn’t happen. Or- or maybe I misremembered it but-”

My voice gets caught and I let out a measly sob. 

“Woah,” Billy carefully reaches a hand out towards me, but doesn’t touch me. “Woah, woah. Baby,” he whispers. “What- who did this to you?”

I sniffle. I didn’t want to tell them.

It felt so much more real speaking it aloud. 

His voice feels dirty against my body, and I just want to get away from him. But he’s in the walls, he’s in my dreams. And I can’t escape. He’s sitting with me as my boyfriend’s try to comfort me. 

“I know better than that. I should have known better than that and-” my throat feels all funny, like I can’t breathe again. A sharp intake in, a shaky breath out. “And I still let him put his grubby hands all over me.”

“Woah, baby,” Billy’s voice is impossibly quiet and calm. He appears more apologetic and concerned with how I am, than the dark, revengefulness that usually seeps out of him when someone hurts me. “Baby, look at me, okay?”

I keep my head snuggled at the top of my knees, straining my eyes to look in his direction. I hum, not trusting myself to speak without crying. 

“It’s not- it’s not your fault. Whatever happened, it’s-”

My mouth seems to be on its own agenda. And my head feels impossibly fuzzy again. Everything is so . . . so disconnected. I tap my fingers against my shins, and they don’t feel like they’re really there at all. No matter how many times I tap them in the same familiar pattern. 

Nothing feels right. 

“I shouldn't have been such a tease. I- he told me to stop, said he wouldn’t be able to control himself if- and, and I didn’t listen, Billy. Was so confused, didn’t know where I was, Stuey and- and he- I told him that. But I should’ve listened. He w-warned me and I should have- I’m sorry.”

“Hey, shh,” Billy tries once more. “It’s okay, it’s okay. It’s not your fault, baby. Whatever- whoever it was, who convinced you . . . it doesn’t matter, okay? He doesn’t- you didn’t make him do anything. You-” even Billy struggles with it. 

He sighs, “what do you need from us? Just right now- what do you need at this moment, okay?”

Stu tries, as well. Learning from his previous mistake. 

“Is it okay to hug you or touch your shoulder right now?”

I shake my head. His hands at my throat, his voice tickled against my face. 

His hands at my throat, telling me to behave. 

Taking my “i’m fine”s and “okay”s out of context, blatant ignorance of my confusion.

“Could we just- could we sit on the couch maybe?”

It felt better, safer, in the openness of the living room. 

Like I wasn't going to suffocate and, like, explode or something. 

Stu's hanging his limbs off one end of the couch, and Billy tentatively perches on a couch arm. I assume Billy is sitting strangely to give me space- Stu's position is natural though. He always sits weird, and does things weird, which I love. I love him. I love Billy, and I'm just. I'm hurting them- I'm sitting in the middle of the couch, shaky and strange, and hurting them.

“What can we do?” Billy sounds gentle. He sounds sincere. I think . . . he is. The whole situation is strange and terrifying. I want to go back to sleep and hope when I wake that the past few months were some fever dream instead. 

I let out a shaky, heaving sigh. 

“I don’t- I don’t know.”

“That’s- that's okay. Baby,” his voice is sturdy, despite the uncertainty bleeding in.

“Yeah!” Stu smiles at me, and it feels sort of warm. It feels almost good. 

“You shouldn’t have to deal with someone so damaged.” I stare at my feet and my hands fidgeting absently in my lap. Tears pricking, stinging at my eyes.

I stumble over and retract apologies in my head. Trying to justify what he had done to me, to pin what he said, to pin his hands around my neck and push me down, as my own fault. As my own actions. 

I can’t tell Billy that. Not to him, not to Stu.

Billy has this restrained look in his eyes, and his face is twisted into an almost scowl. I don’t know what he’s thinking, but I know I shouldn’t have said that. Because Billy thinks he’s broken, all the time.

He’s told me or alluded to his mom’s disappearance, to his asshole father. About the disconnect between himself and his own thoughts, his hands and his actions. He’s told us why he’s only ever felt safe and trusting in the arms of his lovers. 

And that he’s so afraid that one day, we’ll up and leave him, too. 

That he’s too damaged, too broken, to be loved. 

And I go and fuck it up again. I only know how to hurt.

“That’s, wait- that’s not. I’m sorry, Billy. I-”

And his voice is uncharacteristically sweet. It’s calm and low, and I can’t hear held back anger.

“It’s okay.”

“What?” My voice is small and squeaks out, unsure. 

“It’s okay. Baby," Billy says my name with my name with care. “You’re not- you will never be too fucked up to be loved by us.”

Stu smiles, protective. “I- we will never let that happen to you again.”

They offer physical comforts, they lean closer but not close enough to touch me. 

Maybe I shouldn’t be so trusting. He had promised to never hurt me and I followed him blindly. But Billy & Stu aren’t him. And I should be allowed to put my faith into others, without fearing I'll be hurt again.

I lean into Billy's touch, allowing him to encase me in his strong arms. Stu leans against us, bringing his long, sweater-clad arms around the huddled mess of us. 

Maybe it's against my better judgements.

Maybe it's a mistake.

But maybe, too, this is safety. This is love.

#tw sa #tw assault #tw sa implied #tw noncon #tw past trauma #panic attack #panic attacks #tw panic attack #tw anxiety attack #tw nightmares #billy loomis #stu macher #billy loomis x reader #stu macher x reader #billy x reader x stu #poly ghostface #polyam ghostface #billy loomis x you #stu macher x you #billy loomis x y/n #stu macher x y/n #vent fic #inspired by real events #this is me trying to cope if that wasn't obvious :) #reblogs allowed #PLEASE be respectful though

[thecherrytarot]

𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐢𝐧𝐣𝐮𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬.

pile 1 → pile 2 → pile 3

your "injury" is something in your life that has hurt you enough to leave a scar on you. pick the photo you feel the most drawn to and please remember that this is a general reading so take what resonates!!

𝐏𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝟏:

𝐕𝐈. 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐞 & 𝐈𝐕. 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐛𝐞𝐥.

Whatever hurt you was something that was very intense, i could almost feel the energy and it got hard for me to even say the question properly.

You may have been in a toxic realtionship with someone, they may have cheated on you (multiple times) and you felt heartbroken, you really loved this person and some of you may have even thought about sharing your life with this person. Thats why it hurts more, your dream turned into a nightmare that still haunts you. You both may have been obsessed (not necessarily in a negative way) with each other during the honeymoon phase of your realtionship but saw reality when it got over. One reason could be low self esstem. For many of you, this may have been your first love/realtionship. Cheating doesn't have to be the only reason for your "injury" it could have been that your partner may have fallen out of love or they dumped you as soon as you started to get serious. You felt used and your ego was hurt too. Some of you may even be divorced and that still affects you. Many of you might use sex as a way of revenge or closure, like you could go around and have many flings or go back to your partner and do it with them. The rebel card came out twice (once while shuffling) so there was something about authority aswell. Jealousy, possessiveness and control, this energy is coming more from your side. You may now act like this in your relationships to avoid getting hurt again. You think that if you control almost everything, this will go your way and you won't suffer. that's not how things work cause at the end of day, you are still hurting (both, you and your partner)

𝐏𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝟐:

𝐗. 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞 & 𝐗𝐗. 𝐛𝐞𝐲𝐨𝐧𝐝 𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐮𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧.

i kept thinking about pile 1 while doing this reading so if you felt drawn to that you should check it out too!

Many of you may not have had much luck money. You grew up in a financial unstable family. You may have gone through many changes in life that have drained you. This could include different jobs or changing houses cause you couldn't afford your own (some of you might have lived in adoption/foster houses.) You may be upset cause you don't find stability in your life. I heard the message "a cycle of misfortunes is the only thing that is stable in my life" so take how that resonates. Some of you may even use such sardonically humor to cope up with this. When you were young, you had an image of your future self but now you are afraid that you'll never be able to achieve that and it was just a 'silly dream of an innocent child'. People around you may have judged you or made fun of you for being poor/not having a job. You felt inferior to them and this hurt you even. So to protect yourself some of you might lie about your past to fit in. Some of you may have even been rejected because of this. All of this could be because of past life/generational karma.

𝐏𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝟑:

𝐕𝐈𝐈. 𝐚𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐞, 𝐗𝐈𝐕. 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐢𝐧 𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐞 & 𝐈𝐕. 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐛𝐞𝐥 𝐢𝐧 𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐞.

TW : mentions of abusive realtionship and addiction.

I asked the universe why did i get the cards awareness and integration in reverse and the card rebel in reverse came out.

Just like the cards, you may feel like the things are in reversal and nothing goes in your favour. You may have lost control of your emotions and thus  lost control of your life.  Something big in your life happened that lead to this, i am not getting a clear message so im guessing that is a "secret" that you don't want anyone to know BUT for some of you this might be because of a broken realtionship or a loss of someone you loved. Some of might have been in an abusive and toxic realtionship, I'm just gonna leave at this so take however that resonates. You are stuck in your past and might refuse to take responsibility of your actions and how it affects you and others around you. Since you are stuck in the past you may not be learning from the lessons/experiences that come your way. You may have many emotional outburst and the emotions that you were trying to repress may come out and you may say/do things things without any self control and later on regret it. You may be addicted to gambling (stock market), alcohol/smoking or shopping. All three cards that you got suggest, lack of sef awareness and control so this is an important message and these cards also give one message of guidance :

"let everything go and start all over again. Release old negative destructive patterns and find a new and healthy way of coping with your emotions."

thank you so much for reading!!!

#free tarot reading #pac tarot #pac reading #fs tarot #love tarot reading #general tarot reading #tarot reading #pick a card reading #pick a pile #pick a pile tarot

[dottores]

allow me to give u all my life update:

i got thru day 1 orientation today, it went rlly well actually!! everyone i met was super chill & i even met a girl whose worked in publishing for 5 years in my section AND we share the same bday like what are the chances of that?? but i got rlly good vibes from everyone i met. tho tomorrow is gonna start all of the hard stuff with the orientation classes🥲 am not looking forward to QM1.

(fontaine spoilers) i also got back to my appt and finished the archon quests 😎 i have a lot to say ab it, not all good but not all bad. i don’t rlly like the way they took the fontaine plot or some of their world building for it 😭 but in their defense, my expectations were thru the roof. i was rlly hoping for some 1700s french rev type stuff and i do love focalors but i wish they made her a bit more like ?? menacing 😭 like girl fail, yes, but a girl fail that ppl are scared of bc she’s unstable and conviction-happy. idk, i rlly wanted fontaine to feel more like darker & oppressive i suppose, ppl hanging around but with like a heavy gloom of anxiety over them. and i wish the overall plot would have been a political upheaval/reformation instead of the prophecy — ig inazuma kind of did. this but it was poorly executed imo.

but on a lighter note. i rlly love neuvillette and navia, they were my favorite introduced characters of 4.0 i think. i wish it would’ve been focalors but i’m just so 🥲 over how i pictured her vs how she was. clorinde’s cutscene was SICK and i’m so bummed i have to skip her. but the real star of the show 4 me was childe 🥹 i missed him sm, his final cutscene was done so in well in the court house. altho i am very worried bc some of the comments made were rlly foreboding 🥲 i think that’s all childe > navia & neuvillette > everyone else. ALSO THE TWO NPCS WITH NAVIA!!! i loved them

spoilers over but anyway now i have a fever 🥲 and tomorrow is the first big big day so i’m bummed. 🥲 but i had to update u before i passed out

#thank you guys for all the good lucks earlier this morning 🥲 #ily #genshin spoilers

[mintraspberryst]

meet my old men yaoi villain arc. their names are vaclav-lyubomig (dark-haired one who looks like jesus without ponytail ❤️) and radim (the serial killer and mentally unstable one ❤️). vazya and radya shortly. their story is so dark i myself am scared of thinking ab it ❤️ but they are very sweet and lovely together so im gonna ignore all the murder blood guts dead children and suicide bc of this.

soundcloud playlists : vazya / radya

+rough ugly reference of them that i drew just to explore what i want them to look like

#oc artwork #oc drawing #ocs #original character art #original character #my ocs

[doctordiscord123]

[Nebula is seen actively trying to open a window]

I was thinking about the DA. I don’t remember if they’re a main point in many of your fics but you know WKM so you would at least understand. Keeping in mind that in my mind, the “viewer/captain/co-heist-er/date??” in all of the stories is the same. That’s the same person to me. I have no idea if this is canon and I’m too invested in this particular idea to care atm

[the window opens and Nebula wrestles both itself and a comically large pinbord/corkboard into the building. The board is strung up Detective Abe style with red string and everything]

Keeping in mind as I said that the DA, the captain,, you know, “you” in these stories, they’re the same person, I wonder how the FUCK they feel after the events of WKM. Obviously confused, betrayed not only by Actor but by Damien and Celine, most likely, seeing how they were promised freedom and they got shoved into a mirror for being trusting. (My personal secondary headcanon that doesn’t really matter here is that the DA never got out of that mirror, in any way, and all the adventures are just memories and what-ifs in their mind, but as I said, not important here)

They’re confused, they’re lost, they don’t know what the fresh fuck is going on. I was trying to pin down exactly what they would likely do with these emotions, when I had the idea that that’s why we have so many choices. You can make silly choices, try to make smart ones, end up killing many or saving everyone or anything in-between, and that’s because the DA is so fucking conflicted and confused about everything going on. They don’t know why or HOW they’re in a spaceship, on a date, ect.,,, so they’re equally as likely to try to help or sabotage everyone, which is why we have so many different paths. That or their emotions are so volatile that if given the chance to choose again, of course they would choose differently, their opinions have changed since they were last here. They’re so unstable so of course the decisions they make are as well.

Feel no need to answer if you don’t want to, but 1) does this make any. sense , and if not, I would like to try to explain in a better way somehow 2) what are YOUR fresh and cool thoughts about the DA if you have any.

Also. Thank you for reading this. I was floating without a hyperfixation while waiting for Hazbin/Helluva Boss episodes and then I was like hm! I could watch some Markiplier stuff! And now I am Back and the special interest has me fully in its grasp

-Nebula

The DA does make in appearance in a few of my fics, their name is Danny for me and they are very very very very angry <3 absolutely boiling, still stuck in the mirror, and very pissed at Dark for shoving them up in the attic alone for several decades XD I believe the first fic they show up in is called the Past’s Reflection? Something like that XD I like to interpret that the DA is occasionally yoinked out of the mirror by the Actor for these adventures, Dark follows along to skulk and throw a wrench in things, Wil just thinks it’s fun, and the other egos are mostly oblivious. The Entity that’s split up between them all (but mostly the Actor and Dark) is pretty God-like to me, in terms of something so powerful to fuck up a whole group of people like that just by being near It, so! I have many thoughts about the Entity, I have a whole oc I’ve made up to represent it.

I like your interpretation of why the choices are so volatile and sprawling! It’s very very cool!!!

#ask discord #anonymous #nebula #I too recently had a mega stranglehold on Hazbin/Helluva boss

[royalwriteroftheuniverse]

Thanks Captain America Chapter 7

Next chapter chapter 8

I've been spending a lot of time working on this to make it so good I hope you all enjoy it Comments are appreciated reblogs are appreciated No reposting or publishing .

18+ just in case as always she does feel Steve's abs but there's a lot of angst and some fluff some kissing heartache, probably depression and anxiety and shock maybe some other psychological issues because of the kidnapping there is mentions of kidnapping denial and mentions her. Heartache did I mention angst and sweetness and confusion and let me know if I missed anything

There are a lot of Point of view changes

She wakes up in Sick bay /Medical after being saved.

She was confused initially when wouldn't be but the gas plus her weekend state caused... problems.

Her Point of View.

"You, I know you" I reached my hand out

"You're real no this isn't my life this it's a dream. do you - abs ? I went to touch his shirt under his shirt just to. Is it the same here?

"its a dream what the he-"

"Yea and as much as I love you feeling me up what do you mean its a dream?"

"You're not real" I tilted my head a shook it. Silly dream many doesn't understand.

"I'm right here love. "

"No no you you're not nice dream" I said my one tone no stopping for breaths or pausing.

"I was at home it was messy and crowded and cold. You're so warm." His skin was so warm it was a nice dream. I think I like this dream

Steve inner thoughts

She kept insisting It was a dream that is "not me" that "this isn't her life" "her home" and before you say it I know it technically isn't her home. But it is her life. It is me. But, she really didn't think I was me. I think. Seeing her face I- she I think she really did think that she was.......

Omniscient

The gas messed with her head. More than anyone thought it was hard for everyone but she changed. And it was sad to watch the changes wbetween her and Steve its like she was sure of something. And had not a care in the world. Like a cold. An innocent.

"Steve You're here I like this dream.Come 'ere"

I reached up for his face

He bend down, it wasnt as soft as I remember what what dream is and I figured what the hell its a dream and I pulled him in for a kiss. His lips felt diffrent than I remember but a dream isn't always like it was. A dream is just odd.

Steve was shocked she was not only civil to him but wanting him close she wanted a kiss from him.

Nat was shocked at how passionately Steve was pulled in for a kiss like nothing happened.

Steve kissed back he couldn't not, well he could not, he just didn't want to not, but thats mostly because he didnt want to deny it.. it may be the last kiss hed ever get from her

But then he froze then she left go.

"You're still here," she said with a small smile some wonder as if she expected everything to melt away "Where is here?"

Nat took a small but sharp breath in. This was going to be trouble especially once Hayden had come.

Steve didn't think about any thing but helping her and answering her questions

"You're at the tower." He brushes some of her hair away from her face and smoothed it out for her.

"I am? God your gorgeous. Handsome perfect.

I'm thirsty. " seemly slipping- topics that is.

Her Point of View.

"I'll get you something love." He goes to turn and I just

"Wait, come here. Kiss me" he may not come back dreams are unpredictable, unstable that that.

"Kiss?"

Omniscient

Steve was taken back he wanted to kiss her so bad but he also didn't want to- she didn't want this before. But she's been through so much. Maybe she just wanted comfort and he had done thst before. He didn't know what to do.

Her point of view

"Yes I want one when you leave and once when you come back and one every 19 minutes. my angel I want my angel. " I state plane and simply easy instruction for my mind to handle, why can't he?

Omniscient

It was clear with her state of mind it wasnt going to be easy with things coming and going. Nat sympathized but in the Red Room she had sisters but she knew where she was who she was.

But here THAT girl Nats looking at her student someone she considered a friend had no one Nat wondered if anyone would ever know that her friend went through. Or if she had simply closed herself off to escape the horrors.

Her Point of view

"I have it love its upstairs you want it?"

"Yes please." Why must I ask my dreams to do things more than once maybe it cause I dont want my angel? But why wouldn't I want it?

"Ok"

Omniscient

He put his arm above her head and he leaned in to kiss her with the other hand on her abdomen just so he could lean over the guard rail. To kis her it was sift but one still heard a kissing noise

"I remember this." A soft smile the same wonder voice lost wandering voice it reminded everyone of Alice in Wonderland slightly. She seemed to be taking everything in with big bright eyes. His sweet girl.

"You do"

"Yea you kissing I've this. "

He kissed her forehead. Letting his lips linger as long as he could.

"I'll be back you- Do want a sweatshirt too?"

She nodded.

"Where am I?" She looked around as if the territory was unfamiliar yet curious similar to something, maybe she was thinking.

"You're still in the tower honey we went through this do you, do you remeber?"

"Mmhm, I just wasn't sure if you was still here or not."

Nat was rooting for Hayden but seeing the two of them like this. Gazing in eachothers eyes. Steve being so kind and caring Nat wondered how Steve would have or could have ever started dating Rachel when he had had this. True her friend was all over the place but considering what she had gone through she deserved every peice of softness and comfort she could have before she remembered what she had endured the past few months.

Steve brought down the angel he gave her, the stuffed bear he gave her, a fuzzy blanket to give her, he had everything he had bought for her- everything she gave back to him. He walked in and she was sleeping again.

He kissed her as promised and petted her hair happily

"I've got my girl back, my love back" he thought. Then he put blanket on her she started to stir

"Shhh rest" he caressed her face

He gave her a kiss on the forehead

"Not a kiss" she pouted a bit

"I did you were sleeping"

" Doesn't count"

"Doesn't count?" He rolled his eye playfully

Ok he meant to give her a short one he did but she grabbed his head and

His fingers started holding her chin and ran to over her lips.

"God baby I missed you- perfect girl You're perfect."

"We still in the tower?"

"yea honey and I'm right here with you. Me and Nat I promise. You're safe now."

"Safe. Safe is nice. Safe is"

I reached up and felt his face. Warm and looks caring "I like this safe."

Nat couldnt believe what she was seeing. It was a Disney movie come true.

"Stay with me?" She asked softly but her eyes pleaded with her ys brows raised in slight fear.

"Always"

"Hold me? there's room"

"Honey I-" his eyes darted to Nat for a moment.

"Please"

She kissed all over his face his lips his neck and had intentions of going back and forth before Steve was thinking about what to do when her lips hit his neck Steve stopped her.

"Hey relax plenty of time for that," his hands cupping her cheeks,, "I'm not going anywhere- I promise."

Nat was now starting to root for her two friends.

"So you'll stay?" Her eyes had widened with joy or is it relief? Maybe something else but

He dropped his head in defeat,

"Baby I'm not going anywhere"

He moved the guard rail down and slid on the bedbu"But they can kick me off so you get your rest they'd have to kill me Before I leave you or this room I'll keep you safe. I'll watched out for you I promise, I won't leave."

"We're still in the tower?"

She had same innocent toned question it wouldn't stop that tone. The tone that scared him.. it scared everyone as she was so, she was or she seemed so innocent and sad confused but content.

"Yeah honey were still here. Nothing's changed from a few minutes ago" he put his arm around her shoulders and sadly sighed. He hoped to god she wasn't gone but-

"You never know." She had that same innocent toned that just broke Steve and it broke Nat's heart-

She might really be lost.

She was finally sleeping in peace , a last bit of peace or maybe her first.

She was in Steve's arms and Everyone had checked on her through the window and subsequently Steve throughout the night and it seemed like a loving scene. No one seperated them.. They'd never know Steve was scared he lost his girl peices of her were there. Things that made her her, her smile her giggle her joyful eyes that got Steve to do anything that oout that had inadvertently came out before a tear before she ran that day. The bit on her lip the last time he saw her on the street. Her willpower of getting what she wanted. Almost what she wanted. Steve pulled her in tight as he thought about it unaware that a few of them including Nat and Bruce were watching as he put his chin on her head as he prayed aloud

"Please don't be gone, please be ok. I need you back, I need you to be ok, I am sorry I am so so sorry. I don't care if you hate me forever but you need be ok, you need to be in there. Please God, I hope you're in there."

/ Part 8 (next chapter)

Chapter 8,9 and 10 coming soon

Tag list

@nana1000night @sapphire-rogers @hawkeyes-queen @patzammit @sparklybarbarianninja

#avengers #chris evans #steve rogers #ari levinson imagine #ari levinson x female reader #chris evans x plus size reader #ransom drysdale #steve rogers fanfiction #chris evans characters #chris evans comfort #steve rogers imagine #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers au #steve rogers x bucky barnes #nomad steve

[the-bjd-community-confess]

Hello! Oldie Chinese Diaspora™️ Anon here. Thanks for the question! Nothing quite like a challenge, Anon, I had to go back and dig through my organic chemistry roots. But hopefully I can offer something that will put your mind at ease.

Medical waste comes in two broad categories, vinyl and polyvinyl chloride (PVC). The Antu series, as far as I can glean, are made of ABS (Acrylonitrile Butadiene Styrene) and PVC (as seen from the Dollection website https://www.mydollection.com/product-page/penny-s-box-penny-college-series This website said the hair is made of resin, but I don’t see that information repeated anywhere else. Therefore, I am going to assume it is a possible translation error). For comparison, the GSC Nendoroid dolls are completely made of PVC. This means we’ve already eliminated one category of potential waste; no vinyl in the Antu series.

Here comes the more chemistry-heavy part, so please bear with me.

PVC is a versatile and extremely useful material, therefore it’s ubiquitous in our daily lives. There are many forms of PVC, depending on the amount of plasticizer in the material – rigid PVC have less or no plasticizer present, while pliable PVC has more. Medical use PVC tend to favour the softer, pliable kind, whereas construction (like water pipes) tends to favour the rigid type. Toys are somewhere in the middle, depending on the design of individual items.

PVC plastic is useful because is actually recyclable. There are two main forms of recycling: Mechanical recycling (where you grind the old items into granules to be melted for later use) and “feedstock” recycling (where chemical reactions are involved to alter the types of PVC in the recycled products). Mechanical recycling is cheaper, but limited – you only get the same type of PVC as what you start with. If there is a mix of different PVC that went into the chompers, the end result is unstable and unpredictable. It greatly reduces the lifespan and utility of the resulting plastic. (More information here: https://www.bioenergyconsult.com/recycling-polyvinyl-chloride/ ) From what I can find on the Chinese illegal recyclers, they chose the easier, cheaper mechanical path (Once again, from this article here: http://industry.people.com.cn/n1/2019/0316/c413883-30979176.html ) It means the most likely scenario for the illegally-sourced medical waste was that it was ground into soft granules (possibly with some batch unpredictability, depending on if there was anything mixed into that batch.) This kind of granules are unsuited for small, semi-rigid toys (once again, think Nendoroids). From what little I know of the Antu series (I don’t have one and has no plans to get one), I am of an opinion that it’s highly unlikely that recycled medical waste went into their production. Besides, considering that it is a subdivision of Dollzone (apparently this is a spinoff series off of Dollzone’s Antu: http://www.acbjd.com/antu-p-12974.html?cPath=327_557 ), it’s even less likely that illegally-recycled medical waste went into these dolls.

Note 1: Medical waste are not allowed to be recycled due to potential contamination precautions. However, other types of PVC are perfectly good to be recycled. Please do not side-eye anything that contains “recycled PVC” because of the illegality of some unscrupulous bad actors.

Note 2: Apparently, the Antu series does contain ABS. Once again, ABS plastic is ubiquitous and extremely useful. However, ABS plastic does contain Bisphenol A (BPA). Therefore, as silly as I may sound, I do not recommend these dolls for children who may put these in their mouths. If anything, please recycle them properly when you no longer want to keep them as well.

Note 3: A number of legit resin companies are starting to venture into non-resin lines these days. Granado has their Vindoll line. Imomo and Kinoko Juice both have vinyl lines as well. I believe this is a way for these legit companies to pivot in the face of recasts (since there seem to be fewer recasts done in other materials around.) These lines are also more affordable than resin as well. I personally believe these lines are created to curb the flood of recasts. So please, if you are inclined, please give thought and hopefully support these ventures as well.

~Anonymous

#BJD #ABJD #BJD Confessions #Community Counterfeits #Safety

[hobiebrownsslut]

i think i may be a cluster b but im still very confused because first: - i am a teenager so obviously hormonal - most cluster b disorders stem from childhood trauma and i dont have any - ive been having good weeks and that makes me mostly forget all of the bad ones and im just very confused

(someone plz help idk i might have bpd or hpd)

symptoms of bpd that i do have: - unstable self image (sometimes i think i am the greatest and sometimes i hate myself) - self destructive sometimes for no reason at all - i can be very clingy sometimes but like the minute we fight, im gone (a little less now because most of my friends are cluster b's so we know the other one isnt going anywhere) -i can be very aggressive but that might be being a teenager idk -my emotions are like light switches that switch on and off completely randomly and sometimes its bad but sometimes its good

thats ab it idk im very confused especially since cluster b's are so demonized most of the time so its hard to find good resources

#cluster b #actually cluster b #bpd #hpd #actually bpd

[cybercritterinyourcomputer]

me yesterday: wow whats diminish? oh, another unfiction lets play! i loved petscop so this seems right up my alley.. guess ill check it out

me now, having binged both current acts in 24 hours: what tbe fuck what the fuck what the fuckj what the fuck aheatg wbaht eh th e ab s

yeah media always seems to reach at the best and worst times for me

at the same time

because i am always unwell and unstable so media is like hahah :3 heehee :3c

head in my hands tears in my eyes get up. get up. get up. get up. i dont think i can get up now

thats a bad trait of mine

forever stuck battling the same things for eternity

but itll help

itll help

but for now, im still ill in my head. and im still fucked up. and ill be like this for i assume forever but. carrots and peanut butter.. auggarbgngh(#(nf b be hjje hsns fbfjsina a ashhsnnsi!#;#+22 sjejng2+2+n+#($$(n(#$!

#diminish #petscop #i think. paul and will would be friends

[sweatertheman]

Homestuck's time travel rules are impossible to understand.

There is always a logical contradiction, no matter how you try to make sense of it.

Here are some facts I am aware of.

Dave possesses the ability to time travel. When he does, he does not create a paradox.

Appearifiers cannot change the past. They merely fold time as a means of bringing objects between locations on the timeline, and thus either creating a stable time loop, aka, Bootstrap Paradox, (A causes B, B causes A, or AB~) or complying with the law of conservation of energy. In no situation will an appearifier cause an unstable loop, aka Grandfather Paradox. (A causes B, B prevents A. If there is no A then there is no B. If there is no B, then A is allowed to happen. In short, ABab~).

A stable loop can be thought of as a circle. The end is also the beginning. However, if at any point A or B fail to be true, the circle breaks. This is not a paradox, as there is no logical contradiction. If there is no A, then there is no B, which means there is no A, and thus no circle.

John Egbert and his friends are Paradox Clones. Their mere existence is a stable loop. John creates himself in the future, and his baby self gets sent to the past, and grows up into himself. A is John, and B is his baby self. John creates the baby version of himself, and the baby version of himself grows up into himself.

Early in the story, a version of Dave from a timeline where John died arrivew to circumvent his death. Upon John's life being saved, the duplicate Dave persists, while his original timeline ceases to exist.

Shortly after this, Dave finds that some of his possessions were stolen by Jack Noir. He considers going back to prevent the theft, but decides against it when he notices his own corpse on the ground. He ends up throwing thus corpse into a pit of lava.

Now. Lets begin trying to make sense of how time travel works.

The first possibility for time travel is the simplest. Single timeline. This is consistent with the function of Appearifiers, as removing anything before it was meant to be removed would cause an unstable loop. Event prevents itself, thereby allowing itself.

However, there are contradictions here. First, the Paradox Clones. With a single timeline, the Doomed Future is impossible, as John dies before cloning himself. This would break the stable loop and thus erases himself and all his friends from existence. No paradox would occur, because him not being there means he isn't there which means he isn't there. But since Future Dave exists at all, we know that this isn't the case. Thus, single timeline is incorrect.

Okay, next option. Branching timelines. In this model, whenever an event occurs, the timeline branches off into different possibilities, both of which carry on as usual. Let's take the Paradox Clones again. On the main timeline, the AB~ loop continues as normal. In the branch where John dies, however, he isn't needed to complete the loop. The seperate timeline appears only when Future Dave appears, and thus the John and Co. from the doomed timeline don't come from their future, they come from the main timeline's future.

This seems like a solution, however there is still a problem. When Future Dave arrives, he deletes his own timeline. That doesn't make any sense, because him appearing is what CAUSED the branch. On top of this, its impossible to create an unstable loop in a Branch system, because of the same thing that prevents John's death breaking the stable loop. Example, in a Branch system, Rose appearifying Jaspers should only create another timeline where Jaspers failed to communicate information to Rose. So Branch is out.

That leaves Many timelines as the only option. In a Many Timelines system, every possible series of events is its own timeline, completely disconnected from one another. Thus, time travelling doesnt move you back on your own timeline, it simply moves you to a different timeline.

This one is the worst so far. The only issue it solves is that of the paradox clones. However, it creates more problems. Appearifying Jaspers should still be possible. Future Dave deleting his own timeline still makes no sense, as the timeline he came from isn't "caused" by something from the timeline he arrived in.

Okay, there's one system left that tries to rectify Dave's issues. Single Rewind. With this system, it works like recording onto a VHS tape. There's only one timeline, but a given time traveller can at any point stop and rewind to any previous point. From there, they can continue, and effectively undo any mistakes they made, like recording over a tape. Assuming this system is unique to Dave, it solves the problem of deleting his own timeline, as he effectively made that future unhappen. However, this system fails to solve the issue of the paradox clones! Future Dave wouldn't have been able to rewind and retry because he wouldn't have existed! So none of these systems work!

I can't think of a way to make these events work logically. Of course, I'm not even at Murderstuck yet so my opinion is invalid.

If anyone can explain this contrivance, I would appreciate it very much.

Now, I return to the earth.

#homestuck

[thefoulbeast]

Sliding in to ask what ur workout routine is like 👀 if u wanna share. I'm interested in starting but kind of lost, some of the resources online kind of get confusing,,,but no pressure! U can delete this if u want!

im sorry i got very long winded and vague, talking more about theory than an actual regime hwhwhwhw also disclaimer that i am not a professional in any manner so there might be inaccuracies in what i say that im not aware of...

Prefacing this by saying I go to gym with a few other people as a group under a coach. So the routine isn't fixed - we do different exercises p much every time. But it's twice a week - once for full-body with some cardio and once for extremities - one week we do legs and the next arms. Of course doing smth with a coach is different from doing smth by yourself - there's a lot more pressure and a lot less guidance. If you can afford it / if it is plausible, i would suggest a coach even if its a couple of times (they can help you set up a routine taking goals into account) but of course for many people it is not a possibility.

I understand how it can be really confusing looking at information online, especially if you don't know much about exercise or anatomy. (As a med student, anatomy knowledge and which muscles are involved in which actions has helped me a lot when it comes to exercise.)

If I may impress into you one concept - when you look up any exercise, I want you to know what muscle groups you're supposed to be using, and when you do that exercise, you have to pay attention that you are doing the motion correctly so that u are using the muscle group u are supposed to. It sounds simple enough, but the body - it wants shortcuts, it wants to make the motion easier for itself. It will do the motion wrong if you are not paying attention. And if you do it wrong - best case is you use different muscles, worst case is you damage something and hurt yourself.

Exercise isn't supposed to hurt!! If a motion hurts you, it might be too difficult for you, and you need to do something simpler / with less weight.

Another thing I want to say is - most people at the gym have no idea what they're doing. Like, our coach says it all the time - a good 70% of the people are going the exercises wrong. Form matters, and it matters extremely if you do anything with big weights (i would not suggest trying a deadlift without a firm grasp of form or you would throw your back out, for instance)

But starting to go to the gym might be scary. And there are exercise you can do at home by yourself, using your own body weight or some simple equipment.

If systematising makes things easier for you, I will break down the three major parts of the body when we talk about exercise (i am open to more questions regarding these groups if you have them but i will put in some resources i like later on as well):

Arms: shoulder (this is v important, since its a relatively unstable joint and there are many exercises specifically to strengthen the rotator cuff which you should not ignore if you ever want to build up your upper body), arm (biceps, triceps), forearm (most so called 'grip' exercises are for forearm and its necesary to have a good grip if you ever wanna lift weights otherwise your hands will bail out when the rest of ur body could still lift it)

Legs: glutes, quadriceps, hamstrings, knee (another finicky joint!! easy to damage and a bitch once you've fucked it up. typically u can build up knee strength with different kind of squats), calves.

Torso/Core: abs (rectal abdominal muscles are what most people think, but the abdominal wall has a ton of muscles making it up!! you also have to use the oblique abdominal muscles and the transverse abdominal muscles! think like. russian twists and planking on the side not just crunches), pectorals, back (there are sooo many muscles in the back by the way. like the trapezoids, the latissimus, the erector spinae, not to mention all the muscles that start in the back and go to the extremitie)

...So, like you get that you should not focus on any particular thing exclusively but rather try and utilise everything. Because there is so much and it all connects!! If you want to make a routine for any particular segment of your body, you ought to know what makes that part up and add in exercises so that you get some action in most, if not all, the muscle groups!

But remember not to go too hard - pushing yourself beyond your limits might seem like a good idea at the start but it will make you hate exercise and you will not build up a habit.

As for resources - I would like to dissuage you from using resources made for bodybuilders specifically (that's professional exercise. unless you want to revolve your entire life around the gym it really isnt worth it and might do you harm). On the other hand - physical therapists or professional coaches might have more worthwhile stuff to say. Though not every one. My general approach would be - the more rigidly they talk about exercise, the less inclined I would be to listen. You need to listen to people who acknowledge individual limits and beginner-level exercise.

I had a youtube channel i was looking at when i had some joint pains. It's called Athlean-X and i liked it because the guy is a physical therapist and explains the moves very clearly, often with like an anatomical dummy. Been a while since I watched anything but it's stuck in my memory as an okay resource to look at.

And another that has shown up in my attention fairly recently is hybridcalisthenics (they're also on tumblr and tiktok under the same name btw) and the videos show a really nice progression of exercises increasing in difficulty so it's great for starting and plotting out a solid goal! I also love the way Hampton talks about exercise - it seems to me like a really healthy, non-judgemental approach, acknowledging how long it takes to build up before you can progress to harder movements.

These two to me seem like good starting points but if you want I can help hunt down more! Or if you still don't quite know which direction to approach exercise from feel free to shoot me a dm and I will try and help you out :D

I once again apologise for how long this got and I hope you find any of this useful whwhwhw

#ask

[calicosdiary]

just saw the movie uproar, new julien dennison. and Ohhh my lord.

it's about a boy called josh, who's half maori, in 1981 I THINK might have been 1984. irs about him finding his identity and finding who he is, and i fear i related to it jusr a little bit too much

during that time, the south african rugby team, the springboks, were on a tour of new zealand. it was during the time that south africa had basically legalised racism, with apartheid happening there. a lot of new zealand felt that we shouldn't let the springboks in, to show that we don't support the racism in south africa. others thought that we should keep politics out of sport, and chose to turn a blind eye to it all with the defence of, "don't interrupt a good rugby game,". it absolutely tore the country apart.

anyway this is the time the movie takes place. josh's brother is coaching his schools rugby team, and josh is in it, despite him not wanting to. josh wants to try out for a drama school in australia, but his mum doesn't want him to, saying that that isn't certain, it's unstable, whereas rugby will get him a good support system, and a guaranteed career.

at the same time, josh's friend, grace, is participating in protests against the springbok tour. most of the people protesting are māori and pasifika, with grace being samoan. josh is only half maori, with his maori dad being dead, so he feels disconnected from it. he begins to trail along to different meetings and gatherings, observing all these people together, people like him. after he hears an emotional speech from an old kuia (grandmother) about the racism she's faced, and how she won't support the racism in south africa, hence the protesting, josh is inspired to join the protest (there's this Amazinf moment where josh goes up to her and says "i didn't know all that about your people" and the kuia says "dear, they're your people too" and i cried so hard)

anyway josh is told he isn't allowed to protest because it'd ruin shit with the rugby team and all that and his school woukd expel him. but he does it Anyway and the whole movie is basically about him rebelling against that and him getting his family to understand and him connecting more to other maori people and. Uuuggghhhhh

it made me think about My connection. because like josh i'm only part maori and my only full maori family member is gone and my mum is also disconnected from it neither of us know the language i don't know my maori family i've never been to my land. yet i still call myself maori and why the fuck is that? is it so i can feel special? is it so i don't have to call myself white? i can pass as white as well, thats something that affects it

i never feel Truly maori because i'm not connected to it and i don't look maori. i know that doesn't define it and i know that shouldn't make me feel less valid but it Does and i can't keep pretending it doesn't. my mum is on her journey to connection she's learning the language she's identifying as maori more one of the businesses she owns if centered around her being maori. but i don't feel like i can join her on her journey because. my relationship with her is hard i don't like her at all, the first chance i get i am Running. but also im scared to do that because im scared of Her

so now i'm completely fuckinf alone, with the knowledge that im half maori, a pounamu around my neck that makes me feel like a fuckinf fraud, like someone else shoukd be wearing it, and something inside me. there's something in here, something different. i feel it when im around other maori people, i feel it when im singing waiata, doing a haka, reciting my mihi, when im simply just Existing. i have (what many people have called it) my ancestors standing on my back, but no one to help me pull them down and talk to them

a few days ago i talked with my nana (the white one on my dads side) who i absolutely adore, and i asked her if my other nana (the maori one on my mums side) was political at all, because we were talking about the upcoming elections. she ended up telling me almost everything. everythint no one told me about her. things i don't even think i have the strength to repeat. the thing is, i couldn't ever imagine my mum telling me any of it.

it made me feel closer to my maori nana, but at the same time more disconnected than ever. i'm never gunna be able to talk to her about these issues, or anything like that. and that makes me feel even more alone.

for years i used to think, once i left home, id just tell people i was white, and leave my whakapapa behind. but i dont think i wanr to do that anymore

#diary entry

[baekhvuns]

hi sunbaenim! am back to tell u everything in detail bc i sent the last asks when i was sleep drunk right b4 goinf to bed. here it goes:

1. my roomie and one of the best friends i have since we moved in together last year due to college dated a guy for ~3 years until february when he broke up w her (important info: he goes to the same uni we do, started studying here bc of her influence. i knew him and we had a somewhat strong friendship, we used to talk a lot ab our insecurities and all. he said he adored me all the time). she got extremely sad bc she loved him a lot and even thought she'd marry him at some point. it was v difficult for me seing her so down. in march, we were talking and she asked me what my thoughts were ab some situations that happened between them when they dated and with what i said she realized she was abused. she went to talk w him ab this and at first he seemed sorry and all. but last month a friend of ours told us this guy tried to justify his abuse with something ridiculous and disgustimg im not even mentioning here AND ALSO SAID I WAS THE ONE WHO "PUT IDEAS" IN MY ROOMIE'S HEAD??????? i turned into the ex' crazy friend so he wouldnt be the one to blame, u know? then my roomie had to talk to him in private some days after we discovered that and she had to call me to "rescue" her bc he was saying the most violent things to her... i got there and i started to reply the whole MENINIST NONSENSE he was saying to her and to me at that point and in the end we said we didnt want any type of contact w him. me and my roomie got v emotionally unstable due to all of this, but now shes finally free and we're already better.

2. my roomie went for a trip and accidentally got bugs in the luggage she's taken to that trip so our apartament got infestated w them when she came back :D we had to fumigate (is this the right word) it all last week, spent a night out so the substances wouldnt poison us and in the next day spent 6/7 hours cleaning and putting all back in place. it was hell.

2.5 i kinda got a could the following day after we cleaned it all and i absolutely hate to be sick. :D

3. 2 days after having our apartment bug free, there was a fire in our building? and its very windy were we live so the fire could spread fast. roomie was in uni but i was at home and i had to be through the entire fire bc the smoke could get me sick (even more, bc i had a cold, remember?) if i tried to get out of here. fortunately it all went well, but we had no electricity until 8pm, and the fire started around 2pm.

tea spilled. thats has been my life happenings for the last 2 months. im putting my life together again now even though it has been looking like a sitcom ou smth... pls somebody tell god im not his strongest soldier i cant handle being tested anymore

-hoobae anon

HELLO!! IM ALREADY CRYING 😭😭

1. oH HE DID NOT?????? OH MY GOD FBWKDHWK HE IS SO???? not the menist oh lord 😭😭😭 HOW DID UR FRIEND EVEN LIKE HIM FHWJDHWK IM SO GLAD U SHUT HIM DOWN OH I CAN JUST IMAGE IT ANON 🫡🫡🫡🫡 ok but like the communication between u and ur friend??? top tier everyone need a friend like u

justify. abuse. electric chair.

2. STOP THIS IS A NIGHTMARE PLS WHAT THE FUCK I WISH U WOULD SEE MT FACE RN FBWNDJQK OH THIS NASTY 😭😭😭

3. fight, bugs and now fire. anon, idk the right terms but i know u gotta cleanse or sage yourself bECAUSE HELLO????? NAAAHHHH THE EVIL EYE GOT U, U GOTTA DO SOME JUJU

tea spilled, i screamed, no ur right this is like a sitcom like i can imagine the laugh tracks after u find yourself in a situation 😭😭😭 crying this is so chaotic but i guess it’s a story to tell in the future!!! im glad ur safe i hope the concert will be good tooo!!!!!

#✉️ : ask #hoobae anon