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wildrangers · 2 years

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The Moon & Her Sun // Josh Kiszka

Chapter One // The Fool

Josh Kiszka x fem! musician reader

Word Count: 3.5K

keep reading here :)

Hi y'all! This will be a multi-part, slow burn story so buckle up. Also, the titles will be very tarot-based but I am by no means an expert.

Warnings: Swearing, mentions of anxiety, drinking (plz let me know if I missed any)

*18+ only, smut will happen later in the series*

“Please tell me you’re fucking with us” Sam said, eyes wide as all the boys leaned towards the phone he had on speaker.

“Sorry guys, I wish I was. Apparently, they’re having some real issues and are on the verge of breaking up. They’ve cancelled all their gigs for this summer, including opening for you” their manager replied, not exactly pleased himself at this change of plans.

“But we leave for tour in three weeks” Danny replied. “What are we going to do? We need an opener.”

“We’re working on it now, in the mean-time, you could always take in some shows around Nashville while you’re there to see if anyone sticks out to you. I swear, we will have this figured out by next week the latest.”

The boys mumbled their agreements and goodbyes before Sam disconnected the call. All they could do was stare at each other in shock. They hadn’t been able to tour in years because of COVID and they’d worked so hard to put together a good show, which of course started with the opening band.

“Fuck!” Jake yelled, running his hand through his hair just as Jita walked in.

“What’s going on? Why does everyone look like someone died? Please tell me no one died” Jita rambled as she looped her arm through Jake’s. They quickly filled her in and she chewed on her lip thoughtfully for a moment. “I mean, I obviously don’t know what they’re schedule is like for the summer but that band I’m really into, Rising Sirens, is playing tonight. I was dragging Jake along with me but it’s all general admission, I’m sure we could get three more tickets.”

They mulled it over, Josh turning to Jake, “Have you listened to them? What do you think?”

“I have, they definitely seem musically similar to our opener we just lost. It would really depend on their stage presence which we could all see tonight. It can’t hurt, right?” Jake argued, shrugging his shoulders. They all quickly agreed, Jita ordering the additional tickets before they went out for dinner.

Several hours later, Josh found himself waiting in line with his brothers and Jita, stomach queasy with anxiety. This tour meant a lot to him, to all of them, and he was hoping to the Universe this band fit the bill. With tour starting so soon, it would be hard to find anyone who wasn’t already booked up. Josh was pleased to see the crowd around him was buzzing with excitement, anxiously peeking their heads towards the doors every few moments. This was a popular venue but it seemed that most of the crowd was here for Rising Sirens, not just a night out.

As the doors finally opened, a few excited shouts sounded from the crowd and they were all quickly jostled inside. “Jesus, I haven’t actually been part of a crowd like this in ages” Jake mused beside him. As Josh turned to respond, he caught Jita excitedly jumping up and down as they took in the stage.

“Okay, the best spot is still open follow me” she commanded, dragging Jake by his hand, the rest of them following. They walked up a small set of stairs, settling in at a high-top bar table with a great view of the stage. Jake and Jita went to get drinks for everyone as the opening band began warming up.

“I have a good feeling about them with Jita being this stoked about being here” Danny said, taking in the crowd around them. Sam nodded, “Plus, this place is buzzing right now.”

The next hour or so was spent listening to Rising Siren’s opening act and having a few rounds of drinks. “I mean, if we get SUPER desperate, we could always steal their opener” Sam joked causing Jake to snort beside him.

“Stop it guys, they weren’t that bad” Danny defended, sending a glare towards the two boys. Just as Sam was about to retort, the lights dimmed and the room erupted. Josh liked to think he was on top of up-and-coming bands but judging by the volume and intensity of the crowd, he had clearly missed out on them.

The drums sounded first and the dark-skinned drummer’s form was illuminated from a light below, highlighting their buzzcut. More cheers erupted at the sight of them, only intensifying as a tan girl with multi-colored hair bounded onstage with her bass, adding to the drummer’s beat. The last instrumentalist to emerge was a tall, bronzed man who looked similar to the bassist, albeit without the dyed hair. A particularly loud squeal sounded from the crowd, making Josh chuckle quietly; he guessed this guy was the heartthrob of the group based on the wide-eyed audience members nearby.

As the music swelled, the microphone was lit by a spotlight but no one was there yet. The crowd roared seemingly desperate for the singer to arrive so the show could truly begin. The music suddenly cut, allowing a brief pause of total silence before a woman’s voice rang from offstage. Josh felt goosebumps pepper his skin as the woman wailed in the most beautiful, bluesy voice he had ever heard, the music quickly joining her again.

The crowd was absolutely feral, singing along with the woman who finally entered the spotlight, her long hair illuminated in the bright light. She donned a flowing lacy black dress, sparkly purple Doc Marten’s on her feet. Her neck, wrists, and fingers were covered in silver jewelry and her eyes seemed to glow as she took in the eager crowd before her.

“Holy shit” Josh mumbled without fully realizing he was speaking. He saw the others nod in agreement, unable to take their eyes off the stage. The next hour and a half passed in a blur, Josh’s eyes rarely straying from the lead singer’s form. She flew around the stage, dress billowing behind her, never once losing the melody or missing a note. Her voice was beautiful and she had great stage presence but more than that, he felt drawn to her like a magnet.

All of the band members were playful with each other onstage and it was clear to Josh that they’d known each other a long time based on their ease with one another. Their songs were a blend of classic and punk rock, the singer’s bluesy tone adding a richness to the melodies she sang. As they said their goodbye’s, before what Josh assumed would be a brief encore, he felt a hand on his forearm. Turning, he saw Jake who was beaming.

“I think it’s safe to say were sold on Rising Sirens?” he questioned his twin, hand clamped on his shoulder. Josh felt himself nodding, for once at a loss for words. Jake posed the same question to Danny and Sam who quickly agreed. “I know the venue’s manager so I’m going to head backstage and see if they can introduce us. I’ll call you once I talk to her.”

Josh nodded, his eyes quickly turning back to the stage when he heard the crowd begin cheering. There was no way he was going miss seeing that singer perform one last time tonight.

***

You collapsed on the couch backstage following the encore, greedily chugging down one of the water bottles left out in the dressing room.

“The crowd was on fucking fire tonight!” Carolina shouted in delight, placing her beloved bass beside her brother Caleb’s guitar. “Can you believe that shit?”

“It’s the hometown crowd, essentially, I would have been disappointed if they weren’t” Kimmy pointed out, drumming their sticks on the arm of the couch.

“Where the fuck is Caleb? He came back here for a second and then disappeared” Caroline moped, always eager to get her twin’s feedback on her performance. The two were polar opposites but thick as thieves. Carolina’s bright hair matched her loud, effervescent personality; she had yet to meet a person she hasn’t made her friend. Caleb, on the other hand, was serious and studious, insistent upon managing the band even though it doubled his workload.

“Maybe the venue management needed him? If they’re smart, they’ll book us again soon. We have those few festival dates but otherwise we’re open this summer while we work on the new album” Kimmy pointed out, dragging Carolina beside them and forcing a water bottle into her hands. Carolina pecked them on the cheek and began chugging the bottle’s contents.

You smiled at your friends but kept quiet, reflecting on the show. Your flamboyant stage presence was always a contrast to your real-life personality; you had long preferred to quietly observe, taking in what was going on around you. You were similar to Caleb in that way but hoped you weren’t quite as intense as him.

The door opened and Caleb entered, quickly closing it behind him despite the commotion outside. “What was that about?” you asked, curious. You were normally good at reading his moods but this one was particularly tricky.

“So, a band came to scope us out tonight to see if we would be willing to open for their summer tour” Caleb explained, leaning back on the door.

“What band?” Carolina asked, excitement gleaming in her eyes as she sat up.

“Before I share that detail, we need to decide if committing to three months of touring will be good for our writing process. I’m sure the record label won’t mind the additional exposure even if it pushes back the planned release date a little but it would still be a tight squeeze” he explained, ever the pragmatist.

“Really, that’s between you and Y/N. You two write the lyrics and flush out the basics and we go from there. We can do that part anywhere, right Carolina?” Kimmy asked and Carolina nodded her agreement.

You sat silently thinking over this mysterious proposal. Judging by Caleb’s reluctance to name the band, they must be significant enough that he didn’t want their name to sway our decision either way. Normally, you hunkered down with Caleb, spending weeks almost exclusively with each other while mapping out the framework of the album. But you’d be lying if you weren’t intrigued by the idea of writing while touring, allowing the energy and inspiration from each night’s show to propel the album’s writing process.

“I think we should do it with two exceptions. One, obviously, if any of us totally hate the band it’s a no. Two, we only agree if there are enough off days where we could hunker down either in a hotel or bus.”

Caleb nodded at your answer, taking it in alongside whatever was flying through his own mind. A moment later he whispered, “It’s Greta Van Fleet.”

“No fucking way! I swear to God, if you’re playing some kind of sick prank on us, I will end you” Carolina shrieked, eyes wide. You turned towards her, only to see Kimmy’s excitement mirroring her own.

“I’m sorry, who?” you questioned.

“Greta Van Fleet, they’re the band Carolina and Kimmy are obsessed with. If you heard them, you’d recognize them” Caleb explained and you nodded.

“Oh my god guys, please, let’s make this work somehow. They’re incredible” Kimmy exclaimed, looking between the two of you.

“Tell them you’ll meet with their management, we have to make sure we have time to write or this just won’t work” you argued, Carolina and Kimmy groaning but reluctantly agreeing. As Caleb snuck back outside, you briefly met a curly-haired boy’s golden eyes. You fought back laughter as Kimmy and Carolina collectively lost their shit about this new development. Awhile later, Caleb returned, leaving the door open behind him revealing a now empty hallway.

“Well?!” Carolina exclaimed. “They understood our requirements and I have a call scheduled with their manager tomorrow morning. No matter what though, they’re going to send over four tickets for us to see them tomorrow” Caleb replied, bracing himself as his twin and Kimmy began screaming and jumping up and down.

“Okay, new rule you two: absolutely NO dating any of them if we end up touring, alright? Keep the fangirling to a minimum or they’ll change their mind” you teased. Carolina stuck her tongue out as Kimmy flipped you off, everyone laughing as you continued to unwind from the show.

***

The following day, Caleb reported the meeting went well and could expect the contract tomorrow morning. As you got ready for the show, Carolina blasted their music from her phone and it was, in fact, familiar. You were intrigued if the singer could actually hit some of those notes live. You felt your mind wandering as you added some glitter onto your lids atop the dark, smudged eyeliner.

You took a step back to look at your entire outfit, taking in the dark hues and flowing silhouette. Carolina, on the other hand, was wearing neon and pastels. You smiled at your best friend’s bright appearance and obvious eagerness to get going. People always marveled at you both, seeing as you tended towards darkness while Carolina radiated light. Some were confused by the contrast but it had always worked for the two of you.

“Kimmy just pick a pair of Vans already! We got to get going” Carolina sighed in exasperation, causing Kimmy to roll their eyes towards you as they grabbed the nearest pair that matched their bright jeans and leather jacket. Caleb was surely waiting downstairs already, dressed in his usual basics: dark bomber jacket, tight jeans. The group’s contrasting styles were always a topic of conversation at any photoshoot, the stylist faced with the impossible task of pleasing everyone.

Carolina quickly forced everyone down the stairs and out, Caleb already complaining we had all taken too long and would be late, which was unprofessional. You rolled your eyes as you buckled your seat belt, tuning out the twins’ bickering as Kimmy showed you a funny video on their phone.

Once you arrived at the venue, you were surprised when security immediately escorted your group to a reserved section, just to the side of the stage. The area was clearly used for friends and family but only one woman was there, smile bright on her face.

“Hi! I’m Jita, Jake’s girlfriend. I just wanted to say I’m absolutely obsessed with your music, I’m so glad it seems like this tour will work out.”

“Oh my God, stop, you’re so sweet!” Carolina beamed, folding her into a tight embrace. The rest of you quickly introduced yourselves and hugged her, excluding Caleb who gave her a simple nod.

"Ignore him, he’s grumpy” you heard Carolina tease as you made your way to sit beside him.

“You know, I could argue being rude to Jita is wildly unprofessional, maybe even more so than being late which we weren’t anyway” you teased, smirking. He rolled his eyes before responding, “I wasn’t rude, I just don’t feel the need to grab people like the rest of you do.”

“If you say so” you joked, drawing out the o at the end. “But seriously, are you okay with all of this? I know it’s a departure from our normal process.”

He shrugged, thinking it over before responding, “As an artist, I’m concerned but as the manager, I’m excited. I mean this is huge exposure for us, we just can’t pass it up. The label was over the moon when I told them how this opportunity fell into our laps.”

Before you could respond, the lights dimmed and the crowd cheered. You assumed they had no opener and knew the crowd would go wild when they realized they were jumping right into Greta Van Fleet’s performance. You clapped Caleb on the back before joining the others by the railing, wanting to take in the show as much as you possibly could.

As everyone made their way onto the stage, your eyes were instantly drawn to the curly-haired man you’d accidentally made eye contact with the night before. Despite his smaller stature, his voice was absolutely operatic, booming forth with precision and passion all while he ran about the stage, almost seeming to bother his bandmates while they played their various solos. You loved his jumpsuit and how he strutted around; it brought to mind other rock stars like Freddie Mercury or Mick Jagger.

Their set passed quickly and by its conclusion you were thrilled you’d somehow lucked out into opening for them. Carolina’s and Kimmy’s voices were hoarse from their screaming as they happily discussed their favorite parts of the show. As your group finally followed Jita backstage, you felt your stomach erupt with butterflies. Not only were you now a fan of their music but you worried you wouldn’t live up to their expectations. People almost always commented on how different you were offstage versus on and you were dreading that conversation, which always made you feel vulnerable and awkward.

Luckily, the guys were still buzzing with excitement from the show and introductions happened quickly and easily. They ordered a bunch of drinks for everyone and you found yourself sitting beside Danny, which you quickly became grateful for. Unlike the others, he seemed quieter and less intense which put you more at ease.

“No way! You guys are twins too?!” Josh laughed pointing between a very unamused looking Caleb and a giddy Carolina.

“Yes way! Isn’t that funny? Two sets of twins on tour” she laughed.

“Oh my god, we totally need to rename the tour that now” Jake joked, making everyone laugh.

“Is he always so serious?” Danny asked beside you and you chuckled before turning to face him.

“What do you mean? He’s barely containing himself right now” you grinned and Danny threw his head back in laughter. “But yeah, he’s been this way since we were kids if you can believe it. Carolina and I have been friends since kindergarten and I seriously thought he hated me until we were like 12.”

“That’s understandable if his face always looks so angry” Sam joined in from the other side of Danny and you giggled, nodding. You always felt more comfortable in pairs or small groups, rather than a large party or everyone talking at once. As the evening progressed, everyone began talking over one another, so you quietly excused yourself to head out to the bar for one last drink.

***

Josh felt frustrated as he watched you sneak out of the room. He had watched you chatting with Sammy and Daniel, but whenever he tried pulling you into the larger conversation, you’d shut down. He felt someone nudge him and he turned to see a smirking Jake. “What do you want?” Josh frowned, always a little worried when Jake seemed amused with himself.

“If you want to talk to Y/N, just go do it.”

“I don’t know what you mean” Josh lied and Jake gave him a pointed look.

“You have literally been staring at her all night and you deflate like a balloon every time she doesn’t laugh at your jokes. It’s pathetic, man” Jake goaded him. Josh not-so-playfully nudged his twin as he downed his drink, making his way out to where he thought the bar was. He was surprised to see you had settled on a bar stool by yourself rather than returning to the dressing room.

“Mind if I join you?” he asked and felt his heart flutter as your bright eyes met his.

“Of course not, I just needed a break from the huge crowd” you admitted as Josh sat beside you.

Josh ordered another cocktail and grinned at you, “I’m surprised you’re not a social butterfly. I was kind of expecting you to be after the show you put on last night.”

He quickly wanted to kick himself as he saw you fail to hide your cringe. “Yeah, that’s the general feedback if people meet me after seeing me perform—always a bit of letdown.”

The bartender set down his drink but Josh ignored it, instead replying, “Who said it was a letdown? I was just jealous Daniel and Sammy got to hang out with you all night.”

He watched as you continued avoiding his eyes, “Well, here I am!” you joked lightly.

“Well first of all, obviously, how did you learn to sing like that?” he complimented, taking a sip of his drink. At this comment, your whole face lit up as you delved into all of your vocal training before talking about your songwriting process. Josh added comments here and there but you were so clearly passionate about your work that he didn’t want to interrupt.

“I’m sorry, I’m just rambling now” you laughed, your eyes finally steadily meeting his own.

“I could listen to you talk all night if I’m being honest” he said, pleased with himself when you nervously cut your gaze away at his flirtation. Before he could think of something to add, music blasted from down the hallway causing you to giggle. “Why are you laughing at them playing ‘You’re Still the One’? That song is a classic.” Josh asked.

“I’m laughing because whenever they want me back in the dressing room or studio after I’ve wondered off, they take turns playing my favorite songs to speed up my return” you explained and he laughed.

“Well, at least you have good taste. Should we go back then?” he asked and you quickly shook your head.

“They’ll cut the song if I go right now, I want to listen” you admitted, smiling up at him.

“I’ve always wanted to cover this song” Josh mused to himself and you quickly agreed. As the final verse began, Josh found himself saying, “Well, maybe we should sing it together on tour then.”

keep reading here!

A/N: This is my first GVF fic so I hope y'all enjoy this, I'm always open to hearing feedback :) If you liked it, please reblog, it really helps! Also, let me know if you want me to write for more of the boys.

#greta van fleet #gvf #josh gvf #jake gvf #sam gvf #danny gvf #jake kiszka #sam kiszka #danny wagner #josh kiszka #josh kiszka imagine #josh kiszka fic #josh kiszka blurb #greta van fleet imagine #greta van fleet x reader #josh kiszka x reader #moon and her sun series

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pinetreeshack · 4 months

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Okay but are you stoked for the new Bill book or what?

Im not very involved with bill as a character but i am excited for it!!! Im sure theres a lot of jaw dropping stuff in store

#ask

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comfreyhollywings · 2 months

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it's kind of like scrolling back into the beginning where you've first formed a post. it's a little bit like, say, tumblr. you've been scrolling through tumblr the past few days—quotev too to see what your past self has said to you. to see what she has written. there were so many gold mines, so many things that's been written down on a website that'll may be lost media some day. it hasn't gone past you to archive it to a certain point, but you know that it takes on work. work that you don't quite have the energy for today.

mentally, i am scattered. i'm not in a space where i can read lines in order. the words have become scattered, ink blurred. it's like when you stare at a book or a screen for too long, it begins to deteriorate you. it's been deteriorating my voice. i can literally feel my voice regressing even to this day. it sucks, because when i've been looking for work, this was not what i had in mind. i thought it'd help me in my communication skills. to an extent, it has—but not in the way in which i pictured it.

i never thought three hours every day mon-fri would tire me out. i never thought that i'd have the bare minimum of interaction with my coworkers while i'm stuck; isolated away from everyone but my client. i never thought i'd have to focus on the external world so much about gaining my financial independence while simultaneously helping mom pay the bills. i never thought i'd fret about my experience with my boyfriend keeping in mind the age gap we have. my friends keep DMing me on instagram. i still livestream a lot through an organized process. my dad was in the hospital but he recovered... so that's good.

in hindsight, my mental spoons aren't the greatest. it doesn't seem like it's been pushing me up. or maybe, in a weird sense, it is? maybe i need to just.. grow through it? and get used to this? i'm not sure yet. i'm still discovering things out.

regardless of what's happened, i'm writing. i keep finding my fingers scattered all over the keyboard, just waiting and typing and staring at all the words. the grammar in this isn't the best. i'm still not quite mentally up to date yet. things keep changing and there's little stuff like social media that keeps flitting from day to day. no permanence.

i'm not used to this. i'm used to taking things slow one step at a time.

i received a reading before this—in which i was supposed to find a career that stokes my inner flame, not dampen it. i'm supposed to get something that'll stray away from the expectations put on me; to find something i like. that it's okay to strive away from people's expectations. i'm told to give myself grace for the things that's been happening. to slow down, nurture, take care of myself.

so i've been trying, you know. i've been trying really hard. obviously i know, that in order to find things that you don't like, you have to start experiencing life first. naturally, it's a hard process. to go out there and actually gain it. i'm not a huge executor in the first place, but i know it's needed.

but again, it's like a bad internet novel. almost too good to be true. almost. where everyone started to remember that they could be happy, including me. even with the amount of work and the directionless thoughts i have; they're all just potential to start up something new again. i can find things that make me happy from the inside out. i can just.. accept and align with it.

everything that had helped me survive in the past was reptilian skin. this is shed in light of a new circumstances; a new reality.

this side of mines that held such sharp, defensive tension. sneaky and eyeing from the shadows. always willing to be in the background because that was the only thing i knew. treading around mistakes carefully, banging my head against walls after seeing one slight imperfection. i feel restless, crawling out of my skin sometimes because i constantly feel like i'm not where i'm supposed to be. like i feel bad just for existing even though i've never interacted, not even once.

but maybe this. this, the fear and confusion, is the thing that can be wrong.

things can be easy. if i let it.

#bee speaks #spilled ink #inkskinned #writeblr #exhaustion is a bitch #but things can be easy if i plan things out #including time for myself #if i let it

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nikethestatue · 2 years

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Genuine question bc I’m new-ish but has the fandom always been this bad? If things went downhill after A court of silver flames I kind of get it because between the pick me girlbosses stabby valkyries, problematic mating bonds being romanticized (what the f was acosf nessian and why is elucien still a thing??) and women changing their anatomy for their men (the handmaid’s tale but make it smutty fantasy) you’re definitely going to attract a certain.. type... of readers, but I’ve never seen this level of problematic and misogynistic so I was wondering if perhaps something happened in the past as well? Like the author being problematic or writing something problematic (I read tog years ago and I don’t remember much from it) that shaped the fandom to the mess that it is now

I wasn't here when TOG was being written/published. I think the readership was a lot smaller, but I do know there was the Chaol/Aelin/Rowan thing where everyone was up in arms over Chaol. I think there was a lot less social media as well, which, in the current environment is what is stoking the flames, I think. People are saying stupid, inflammatory things for likes and clicks.

None of it is really 'real'. I am sure there are genuine Gwynriels in this fandom who truly believe and contribute, but the rest are just there for the ride.

I think that people can read books, much darker than ACOTAR, with much darker heroes and separate reality from fantasy. At some point, I feel like it broke down for the ACOTAR fandom. Why that is, I am not sure.

I mean, I don't blame SJM. I don't want to blame writers for writing books. I don't want to only read 'appropriate' books, which have been scrubbed of any and all darkness/controversy. I just feel like adults should read adult books and expect that these books will contain adult themes. I don't know if I, as a reader, must agree with everything that a writer writes. I choose to read it, and if I am unhappy, i can always put the book away.

Honestly, nothing annoys me more than a laundry list of 'trigger warnings' in books. If you pick up a Reverse Harem or a bully book or something that's billed a 'dark romance', what the fuck do you expect? Gentle lovemaking? You think there wouldn't be swearing? Dubious consent? Some kind of emotional abuse?

With ACOSF, I think it wasn't properly marketed as an adult book. That was the problem. Like it's more of an erotic fantasy book, and it shouldn't be read by 12-14 year olds. They latched onto Gwyn, because Nesta and Cassian were 'too grown up' and that's why Nessian has been completely replaced by Gwynriel (which doesn't even exist!!!). Teens wanted to read a teen romance, which ACOSF didn't supply, so they created one of their own.

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christmasintheloonybin · 1 year

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thought about engaging in consumerism this black Friday because I have wanted to buy a pair of black jeans for a long time (sad, impoverished life where I have to think long and hard before buying one pair of jeans but oh well). something about a deal actually repulses me I don't know why. I feel manipulated or something. it makes me want to buy a pair of jeans less. maybe growing up poor and resenting it, I despise a handout, I know a handout and a bargain are not the same thing, but I feel as if I cannot go through with buying a pair of jeans DISCOUNTED with my dignity intact. I would rather pay full price just to avoid feeling manipulated.

being broke has been good for me though, I realize all I really need in life is enough money for cigarettes. as long as I have cigarette money I am happy. small pleasure that goes a long way. I am cheap as hell when I'm broke, when I have money I am actually quite generous, I genuinely enjoy taking people out to eat buying things for people I like etc. not just with women its not a chauvinist thing. just people I like. but in general some part of me does feel ashamed and emasculated when I'm with someone, especially a woman, at a restaurant and I don't pay for the bill. I understand the arguing thing because it's genuinely humiliating. being broke I have also learned an important skill - going into a store without buying anything. I hate to be "that guy" in book stores or record stores especially, who go in for the vibes or to be seen there without actually sort of paying your dues. its disgusting! especially because these are niche and honestly irrelevant markets, so if you want to have book stores to stroll through and feel cultured at in the future, you better pitch in to keep them alive. but this is an important skill I believe still, to say "I don't really need this." and I realize, again, that I really need very little. just cigarettes. and food ideally. I'd choose cigarettes over food, though.

all this being said, i have a promising lead at a bakery, I just need to sort some things out with the community college I plan on attending first, lol. I think it would be nice to work at a bakery, even though it involves getting up obscenely early, I can't sleep and I wake up at around 5:00 anyways, so 3:00 or 4:00 wouldn't be a severe adjustment. it would prohibit me from staying up late but I have no social life so it makes no difference to me.

community college, I am obviously not super stoked about. but I already did a year, right after I graduated high school, and they have a program in place for transfers to the local university that everyone goes to, it's informally called "grade 13" because just about everyone goes there after high school, like as a default. I don't particularly care where I go, maybe I could transfer to a college somewhere else in the country, this might be a good idea, but the local college town is relatively close to where I live, I am familiar with the area, it's just more comfortable than if I packed up and moved to California or Texas or something. lol. but maybe that would be good for me. community college, depressing but probably a good halfway point between the proletarian and bourgeois worlds. if I went straight into regular university, with all these fucking teenagers I think it would be a very alienating experience. if I can ease my way in, it will still be strange when I'm in classes with people four or five years younger than me, but at least I'll be slightly more acclimated and I can just do my own thing. also I look young, so it's not that weird. my problem is more idiot kids who think they know everything. it's funny seeing young people now, I mean even like 20 year olds. they think they know everything but they're just kids. because I can remember being like 15 and thinking I knew it all. like I had everything figured out. just a product of aging I guess. of course, I have always felt this way and disavow my former self as an idiot, but the pattern continues, I'm sure in a year I'll think about the things I thought now and be embarrassed. this is life!

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sweetbriermouse · 5 months

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FINALLY!!!! I HIT 168.8lbs this morning! I also figured out some of my problems and will be fixing then over the next 3 months with some help! I'm back to the gym this week since I have been careful over the weekend and am almost completely recovered!

One of my vehicles, the one that broke down, is now running again with no shop visit so that's amazing! I will still get it a full workover asap but now I don't have to replace a transmission like I was worried! My other vehicle still needs tires and a shop visit because the last one fucked it up but it took me months to realize so now I can't do anything but go elsewhere. Brightside, I found the exact tires I need brand new for $70 cheaper per tire than quoted! And my quote was supposedly discounted so thats another big bonus! I'll be replacing them end of the month and getting the car into a shop hopefully around or just after the new years.

With my raise and my increase of hours next month I will also be taking over 100% of utilities for the household and just over half of the mortgage payments! Currently my mother owns the house and does live here though she isn't home most of the time, but the house will be given to myself and my partner when she moves as was the plan since purchase as the 3 of us went in together on it to avoid being homeless or forced to move all 3 in different places. My mother never intended to stay beyond a few years, though it's a positive relationship so we don't mind sharing a home. Her debt has gotten a bit too large though so my being able to take on almost $750 of the household bills and my partner covering internet, trash, household groceries, and miscellaneous expenses as well frees up a good chunk for her so she can pay down or off those debts!

I am going to be launching explicit sites at the end of this month with 3 tiers of subscriptions as well. I won't post much on here about them because that's not what this blog is for, but I do wanna share that I am doing it because to me it is a huge deal! I am excited because it's honestly very freeing to me to post that sort of content, not to mention boosting my self confidence more because while I highly critique my own work I also refuse to ever modify it. I don't use filters on posts unless they are obvious things like the snapchat butterflies or horns, I don't reshape or touch up things because I don't want to warp my self image more than I do as is, and when I do look back on them later I tend to love myself. Any extra income from it also means extra payments on debt or extra savings built up since regardless of how much I make I never plan to budget any stable income from it nor do I ever intend for it to be my main source of income.

Additional goodies for 2024, I GOT ACCEPTED INTO MY STATE UNIVERSITY!!!!! I'll be attending for the fall 2024 semester and getting my bachelor's in accounting followed by my masters and a CPA license! I'll be speaking with an advisor in a couple weeks about 100% online options so I can maintain my full time job, and I will be heavy hitting the preemptive studies! I have an accounting for dummies book, some podcasts, and additional resources and am super duper stoked to study so it's an easier transition into the degree!

I'm also doing outfit and glow up boards on punterest, spending more time on myself when I have the energy, and working on different things that improve my energy! 2023 is pre glow up prep! Learn how to have one, start forming the habits! 2024 is glow up season! Getting out of debt, getting into positive tracks, improving my quality of life and self love, and being my best self! No more lazy fits and messy styles, no more feeling and looking blegh. I'll be stepping up my game three times as much as now! Baby steps for now full run for the new years!

#skinnni #tw weight #best self #dream self #self improvement #i will reach my ugw #glow up #better me #the it girl

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extemporaneousmusings · 9 months

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21/7/23

Today I:

-had a lovely catch-up session with our dog trainer. she validated the heck out of us/what we’ve been doing for the past several months, and we discussed starting to work on introducing the concept of ‘wait’ to Lulu, esp for use at blind corners

-requested Chuck Tingle’s newly-released, first traditionally published novel from the library. I am stoked to give it a read.

-finished and uploaded the final module of my class!!!! holy fuck! I am exhausted and am so ready to take a 2 day weekend for the first time since late May/early June. idek what I’m going to do with myself...but I have several library books and an epic fic to pick from to read, and some small bills to turn into quarters to play some pinball

-finally got a replay on Godzilla!!!! 146 million babey!!!

#personal #good things #Lulu #SPORTS #it was a real push today #I cried a whole bunch #but i got it DONE

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markmonlux · 1 year

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Weekly Dose of Mark

Saturday, April 15, 2023• 04/15/23

I sent out a Comic Critic email for the first time in months. I’ve realized I’ve fallen out of the habit of drawing comics daily, and I think I should get back into it. Before, I got more done. Well, at least I got a couple of comics drawn at the end of the week. The movie review was on “Zardoz.” Jane H. wrote about how that film temporarily stopped her lusting for Sean Connery. I’m paraphrasing.

I spent Monday morning and later evening in Downtown Tacoma. In the morning, I went to Freelance Fandango, where I met with Corey, Stan, Nori, and Haley. Corey brought prints for the binder, and Stan brought a Warlock compilation for show and tell. He also got a How to Think When You Draw book for Haley to check out. I brought in Shannon Wheeler’s Too Much Coffee Man compilation. Nori showed us bird photos he’s been taking with his telescopic lens. He would have been out on his kayak or taking more pictures, but it was raining today. This week, the KitKat flavor was Gato Chocolate, a chocolate mouse cake with a hint of strawberry flavor. We compared them to the American flavored Strawberry and Dark Chocolate. The Japanese flavor was once again superior. The Sisters of Pythias held a Ham dinner as a fundraiser in the evening. It was much better than the last Ham dinner they did. I think they took the feedback they overheard and applied it. Krista doesn’t like ham, so it was a treat for me. I went back for seconds. Oddly, small KitKats left over from someone’s Easter celebration were desert.

On Tuesday, I left the house at 6:40 am to drive to Seattle Central College to give a presentation titled “Cartooning as Labor.” I’d been invited by Leonard, who knew me from the Graphic Artists Guild. He teaches cartooning. I drove by five car accidents but did manage to arrive at 8am, in time for Leonard to take me to breakfast, where I had Bacon and Egg Tortillas with hashbrowns. I think the students got something out of it; some of them were interested in making cartoons. Others were taking the class for credit. A walkout was scheduled at 10 o’clock, so I left as the building emptied. When I got home, I made sure that Krista and I went for a walk before lunch. I ate a very light lunch.

My Uncle Bill, the twin to my father Jake, will be moving from New Mexico to Washington State next month. He’s moving to be closer to his family. Two of his daughters live in the Puget Sound area. I look forward to seeing more of him.

Speaking of my father, Jake, he and my mother are visiting my brother Stan and his wife, Nancy, in Hawaii. From the photos, he is texting the siblings; they are having fun at the beach.

I got an exciting email from the city of Tacoma. It reads:

Greetings and congratulations, Mark!

You have been selected to create a Traffic Box Wrap design for the City of Tacoma! We received 126 applications, and you are one of 17 artists selected, as a cohort representing a diversity of styles and perspectives, based on the quality exemplified in your past work. Rebecca Solverson will be reaching out to you soon to set up an orientation focused on the technical requirements and assistance in understanding the project and specifications for wrap designs.

We greatly appreciate the time and effort you put into this submission. In addition to this opportunity, we may reach out to you to create one-off, site-specific wrap designs based on the information you provided about parts of Tacoma you feel especially connected with.

Thank you and let us know if you have any questions!

BK LeMay

I’m very stoked by this news. I’ve wanted to do a Traffic Box Wrap since the city started the program. I’ve applied before but didn’t make the cut. Then there was the pandemic, and then funding was an issue. I had my fingers crossed when I applied. I have an idea of what I’m going to do. It will be something that will be whimsical as people drive by, admired when they are stopped, and enthralled when they find hidden elements on close inspection. It’s going to be groovy!

Alley News

Every trip to Costco has included buying a couple of bags of dirt for the garden. We also picked up some Chicken Manure, which works very well but stinks to high heaven until you get it in the ground. And some would argue even then, there’s a smell. But the vegetables love it. Krista is worried she’s not getting the peas in early enough.

Pat Smith and I spent three hours at Wapato Park on Saturday because there was a Pokemon special event he wanted to take advantage of. I was all for this. The whole goal was to catch as many of one type of Pokemon as possible. So the last week, we’ve been gathering game elements to assist this goal. We plugged in lure modules, lure incense, and lucky eggs for extra points and enjoyed the outdoors. There was less walking than planned. We sat under the protection of roof-covered picnic areas because it was raining part of the time. Why would I do this? Besides my neighbor’s company, I’ve been stuck at level 40 for nearly two years because one of the tasks to get to level 41 was to catch 200 Pokemon in one day. And it never seemed like I had a good enough excuse to blow an afternoon in the park catching Pokemon, at least not on my own. It is with a happy heart that I can announce that I’m finally at Level 41, whatever non-accomplishment that is. It was a fun way to pass the time. But it might be a while before I do that again. If it wasn’t raining, I’m sure Krista would have preferred I mowed the yard and garden. She’s started to drop hints in that direction.

This week’s dreams:

April 8

#IDreamt I was flying to a reunion, but the plane was forced to land due to snow storms. All flights to the destination or out of the airport were then canceled. Discovered Arthur Ross Jr. was stranded with me at Cincinnati Airport.

April 9

#IDreamt Tacoma became an area of study as our dimension would partially phase with a similar dimension. In the other dimension, my friends had a toddler. So they would find ‘their’ kid popping in and out of their lives at odd times.

April 10

#IDreamt my sister was in charge of a cruise liner’s entertainment. One of her performers for a dinner mystery was AWOL, so she asked me to fill in as an aging, poorly skilled drag queen.

April 11

#IDreamt I was working at a summer camp. The washers and dryers were caked with years of dirt and grime, so I was giving them a scrub.

April 12

#IDreamt Lani Lawrence was helping me buy property in the afterlife. Turns out that burning things like money did arrive for you. She had lots. Newcomer got a discount on land, so we were working on a deal.

April 13

#IDreamt I drew a t-shirt design for a band back in the ’80s that became famous and a pop culture icon. More than half of my income came from its licensing. It’s a shame that I woke up without fame or fortune.

April 14

#IDreamt I lived on the road. I was placing my aged orange cat on a sofa in a strange house to sleep while I rearranged the contents of the back seat of our vehicle.

April 15

#IDreamt four dreams last night. Each is in a different county with different people. All of them were jailbreaks.

I watched some movies this week:

35. April 8

The Man Who Killed Hitler and Then the Bigfoot (2018) Rating: 8

When it comes to movies that have both Hitler and Bigfoot in them, this one is at the top . You might expect a film with such a cheezy title to be poorly produced, lacking in talent, and have poorly constructed dialog. But this film dismisses all those expectations. It’s played straight and honestly, just like the main character. The entire movie is all about a person’s character. Plus, if you are a Sam Elliott fan, as I am, you will find it a delightful film to watch. Plus, I give it an extra point for having a dog with a name in it. I watched this movie on Tubi.

36. April 9

Apollo 18 (2011) Rating: 6

I’m not a big fan of found-footage horror films. But I found myself drawn into this festival of shake-shots because it’s set on the moon. After viewing the movie, I found myself thinking of the cold war hysteria science fiction films of the ’50s. I love those old films. I believe that the undercurrent of nostalgia, along with my interest in space exploration, is what drew me to this movie. I watched this movie on Tubi.

37. April 15

Demolition (2015) Rating: 8

This drama involves a unique perspective of how a person has to excavate out of their numbness induced by denial, loss, and grief. What makes this well-sculpted film from a seven to an eight is the songs that are carefully selected for the soundtrack. The songs which aren’t familiar, you are left craving to explore. That sense of desire for exploration reflects the similar personal struggles of the characters in the film in a way that is genius in its subtlety. I watched this movie on a Netflix DVD.

38. April 15

Cocaine Bear (2023) Rating: 7

I’m giving this move an extra point on a title that became a pop-culture hit overnight. It also gets an extra point for having a dog with a name. I don’t think anyone expected this to be Ray Liotta’s final film. Mr. Liotta died in his sleep from a heart attack filming Dangerous Waters in the Dominican Republic. His death scene in this movie was gut-wrenching, and I would give an extra point for it, but it might be considered in bad taste. I watched this with Krista on Peacock. Well, I watched it. Krista gave up on it and busied herself with a game on her iPad.

More next week,

Mark

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ohmyginevra · 1 year

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Made a new sideblog specifically for HP stuff! I’m so stoked for Hogwarts Legacy, my partner bought me the deluxe preorder for Christmas and I’m so excited!!

I also recently did a Harry Potter Lego set, the ministry of magic one. It was pretty cool, but I want to do the train one so bad!

A few things about me in relation to HP…

I don’t really like the movies; I’ve only seen the last few once, when they came out in theatres. I’ve also never seen the Fantastic Beasts movies. Though they are far from perfect and have numerous plotholes, prejudices, and a majorly flawed world, I still love the books almost as much as I did when I was young. I regularly listen to them on audiobook (Stephen Fry version only!) while working and am probably more familiar with them now than I’ve ever been!

Favourite:

Characters: Ginny, Sirius, Luna, and Hermione.

Books: Half Blood Prince, and Prisoner of Azkaban

House: Hufflepuff (Ravenclaw second)

Teacher: Professors Sprout, McGonagall, Lupin, Flitwick

Order members: Kingsley, Tonks

Weasley (besides Ginny): Bill

Can’t think of anything else atm lol

#Harry Potter #new to tumblr #hp

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britesparc · 2 years

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Weekend Top Ten #539

Top Ten Things I’ve Suggestion to my Daughter That She Refuses to Consider

As is my custom, when one of my brood hits a birthday, I turn my Top Ten over to them, to pick whatever listings take their fancy. My eldest, who has just had a Significant Birthday this last week, has decided – as is her wont – to use this facility to mock me.

How very dare she, etc.

So what we have here, then, is a list of various things I have recommended to her at some point. Movies I have unsuccessfully pitched for on family movie nights. TV series I thought she’d enjoy. Books that she should, as a person what is good at reading and likes doing it and stuff, have a crack at. At all turns I am dismissed, because chief among my daughter’s interests is Disagreeing with Me. In a manner very much like John Constantine immediately lighting a cigarette after being cured of cancer, Daughter #1 will gladly curtail her own enjoyment if said enjoyment proves I might have been right about something. To whit, the very act of my recommendation instantly makes any endeavour unpalatable to her. She mainlines contrariness. She luxuriates in spite.

None of this is unexpected. Whereas I was always quite stoked by the various films my parents described to me – Close Encounters, Pale Rider, whatever – I do know kids like to find their own route down the mountain, and don’t want to follow in the footsteps of their parents. They also like to just be dicks about it sometimes, and that’s fine too. I just thought maybe she’d have waited till her teens before this all kicked in, but I guess that’s progress for you.

Anyway, here you go: a special daughter birthday list of things she’s deliberately denying herself just to make me sadder. Tt, as Batman would say. Tt indeed.

Batman: Mask of the Phantasm (1993): my kids are certainly not super-phobic, and Daughter #1 in particular is a bit of an animation nut, so this film could go down well. But I’ve gone on about how excellent it is to such an extent that it’s anathema to her now. I mean, I dunno; maybe it’s a bit slow and serious for her tastes. But it’s a masterpiece, goddammit.

Indiana Jones (1982-2023): it’s tricky finding the right ground for adventure movies, because while they like Star Wars, they’ve not shown much in the way of enthusiasm for similar action-oriented films. There’s so much here that they’d find cool, including Marion Ravenwood; my kids are big on spunky female leads. And Han Solo is my youngest daughter’s favourite Star Wars character. But no. this is always refused. As Daughter #1 says, “I don’t like Nazis but I still don’t want to see their faces melted.”

She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018-20): this one is irritating, because she was watching this show. I don’t think I even introduced it to her! I think she found it herself! But I’d gotten into it and I wanted to see how it all panned out, whereas she drifted away and couldn’t be mithered. And so whenever I suggested she watch it, she refused. And now it’s on this list. Bah.

DuckTales (1987-90; 2017-21): she likes all these different daft cartoons, like The Loud House or Teen Titans Go!, so I thought she’d like this. Whether it’s the vintage eighties version or the modern update, what’s not to love about Duckburg? And sure enough she gave it a whirl but then refused to go further. Having said that, I don’t feel I’ve really gone on about it too much, so maybe she just didn’t like it.

His Dark Materials (Philip Pullman, 1995-2000): Daughter #1 is a voracious reader, at a reading level far above her actual age. So I think it’d be beneficial to stretch herself a little bit, reading books meant for older kids. The problem, of course, is balancing complexity of language with complexity of tone; what teen books are suitable for a pre-teen? I thought this would fit the bill, especially as she likes a lot of serialised adventure narratives. But thus far, she’s refused to give it a try. Maybe coz I said it was one of my favourite books.

Willow (1988): another example of me wanting us all to sit down of a Friday night and watch a family-focused adventure movie. Especially because there’s a TV series out soon! I love Willow, and I reckon the kids would be into it too. Except not, because denying my enjoyment has to take priority.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (from 1984): effectively a slight-less-wacky Teen Titans Go!, TMNT is – in its myriad forms – really the sort of thing that would be up Birthday Girl’s street, apart from the fact I’ve suggested she might enjoy it. I don’t mind what version she watches, I still think it’d be cool. Maybe she’ll get into the new game. Probably not.

The Marvel Cinematic Universe (from 2008): see, this one’s a bit weird. It’s true that I do bang on about the MCU an awful lot. But she has shown some interest: she wanted to watch Iron Man, until she found the desert attack at the beginning too intense; and she recently watched (and allegedly enjoyed) The First Avenger, even if she didn’t cry when he fell on the grenade like all good-hearted people do. I honestly think this is in part a reaction to both me and my wife suggesting Ant-Man a few times, and also just generally her attacking me where I’m most vulnerable. She’s a proper Thanos, this one.

Ghostbusters (1984): I’m gonna be honest, I’ve never really earnestly suggested this one, because Daughter #1 is of a rather sensitive disposition and I honestly think she’d be utterly freaked out by the library ghost and the terror dogs and stuff. I mean, I used to find that terrifying in the eighties, but that was also the thrill. Anyway, she refuses, which is fine in this instance, because I’d quite like to avoid having to explain what that ghost is doing to Dan Aykroyd’s trousers.

The Hunger Games (Suzanne Collins, 2008-10): I don’t wanna short-change you here, but this is just His Dark Materials all over again. Except a bit more annoying, because whilst I can see her bouncing off the intricacies of HDM, I think she’d actually get really into Katniss murdering children left, right, and centre. Anyway, the odds of her getting over herself and giving it a whirl are not in our favour. That was a joke.

My main takeaway from all this is that Star Wars and Transformers aren’t on the list, so there’s hope.

#top ten #daughters #fatherhood #kids disagreeing with you #annoying kids #mcu #ghostbusters #tmnt #disney #batman #indy

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thekentuckyhimbo · 3 years

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i can't rb that commentary you did about the best friends dynamic but just t say i 100% agree.

i think people see orange overshadowing best friends but that isnt the case at all? he has always been billed as their "manager", he didnt wrestle for months! chuck is more the leader especially in bte skits and the way he interacts in the ring.

orange is a singles wrestler first and foremost, and chuck is a tag team wrestler. unfortunately chuck's partner is injured, so of course his previous tag partner and "manager" is going to step in while we wait for trent to get back, but he does also have his singles run too!

it isnt orange cassidy taking best friends time at all, they are a faction! he is the singles guy in it, chuck and yuta are the tags at the moment! plus the current feud we can all agree is mediocre at best, i am not surprised they shifted the focus to oc vs matt hardy as that is the only chance they have for people to be interested.

BUT! commentary are constantly putting chuck over these days, calling him athletic and strong. also: he looks happy. he looks stoked to be wrestling. AND it was his idea for the spacesuits, if he was unhappy to support i doubt he would buy all 4 of them matching suits!!!!

he even says so on his stream, he is happy to support oc and kris as it gives him opportunity to be on the PPV for example where he may not have had any chance to.. and these people are his FRIENDS?! he used to fight to get OC booked on indie shows, and now his best friend is so over. he will be proud and happy for the guy, seen constantly by him advertising his merch during the show, wearing it on streams, tweeting matches they are in, his IG posts. i could go on.

at the end of the day, i think some people really just need to admit they do not like OC instead of trying to blame him for the current booking because trent had neck fusion surgery.

anyway sorry for rambling in your inbox! just tl:dr, i 100% agree with your post :)

100% agree with everything you said. I think the thing about Chuck is that Dustin is an actual leader/ring general type to begin with, he naturally falls into that role and you can see it reflected in the ring. He doesn't get enough credit IMO because he's been in so many big 8, 10 man tag matches in his career and he's so good at keeping track of all the moving pieces on the board and knowing exactly where they are and where they need to be. He truly is a tag wrestler in that regard.

And I do see the other side to an extent, because OC gets to wrestle on Dynamite sometimes and has had a bunch of singles feuds with high profile wrestlers, so I can see where people get the idea that his success comes at the expense of the team. But ultimately one member's success is not bad for the rest of the faction, it's good for them. And Chuck has done a great job of staying relevant without his partner, it's not like he's been going out like Anthony Bowens and wrestling to dead silence lol. I don't think it's that people don't like OC, I just think people have this really weird way of looking at booking where they buy into the kayfabe that everyone is at each other's throats and will stab each other in the back for fame and fortune. When in reality the whole point of the Best Friends gimmick is that they hang out and help each other because they like each other.

But on the topic of the current HFO vs Best Friends feud, I agree it's very meh. It's interesting because TH2 and Best Friends go way back and have wrestled in PWG and stuff plenty of times, so you'd think there would be good chemistry there. But the whole thing feels like it's floundering a lot and making it OC vs Matt definitely seems like a last ditch effort to save it. I think I would have liked to say either BF vs TH2 or BF vs Private Party or BF vs Butcher and Blade. All three makes it a bit confused, especially because on Dark they have a limited amount of time to work with. But I think maybe as Best Friends have got their mojo back some of the HFO have lost it. Like first it was Chuck pulling up his pants every 2 seconds in a match to the point where it was noticeable and broke immersion, and now Jack Evans keeps his shirt on during matches. Like, boys, you're both lookin great, where's that confidence

I think BF as a faction need some really shitty heels to go after them, because the core of their gimmick is that true friendship triumphs over all. But it's hard to get any storyline going without Trent.

Maybe the way Varsity Blondes, Silver, etc. came out to help Jurassic Express and Best Friends could be turned into an angle where Matt Hardy keeps recruiting all the heel tag teams to try and take down Orange Cassidy and his Best Friends, so Chuck just keeps calling on more and more of his old friends from the indies to fight back until you realise that literally everyone is his best friend and they will all do whatever it takes to protect Chuck's son Orange.

Also give me Statlander and Soho vs Bunny and Ford because Soho used to be in Chikara so you know she's friends with Chuck too

#wow this post got long #I'm sorry #best friends #chuck taylor #chuckie t #orange cassidy #kris statlander #aew #trent?#trent beretta #wheeler yuta #hfo #hardy family office #matt hardy #th2 #private party

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sinnaminsuga · 3 years

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Title: Bookkeeper

Summary: How you became a bookkeeper to the city's most infamous crime lord was sort of a “right time right place” situation. You used to work in the cash handling office for the local grocery store and even leaders of organized crime operations need to grocery shop right? Right.

Pairing: Henry x Reader

Word Count: 1,445

Warnings: none (if i missed anything let me know!)

A/N: hello! i had this idea a few days ago and have been struggling with bringing it to life. it's pretty lame and based mostly on my dumb ass job so i'm sorry if it's trash! 😂

*if you'd like to be removed from my tags just let me know!*

Tags: @october505 @infinite-shite @hope-to-hell @inlovewithhisblueeyes @littlefreya @viking-raider @wolvesandhoundshowltogether @foodieforthoughts @raspberrydreamclouds @dancingwendigo @oddsnendsfanfics @its--fandom--darling @the-soot-sprite @connieisland @feralrunaway

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- 8 months ago -

The day you met Henry, he was the next customer in line at register five. The cashier Sarah, a petite shy wisp of a girl, was getting ready to leave for the day and had used the intercom system to page for a drawer count before handing off her register to the next cashier. Henry stood patiently in line just watching the employees scurry around. And that's when you appeared. A door across from the front end flew open and you came rushing out, a separate till braced on your hip and a set of keys dangling off your wrist.

“Good afternoon folks, sorry for the delay. I just have to count down this till real quick and we’ll get right back to scanning your orders alright?” you said to the few people in Sarah's line with a gentle smile. They all seemed to hum or grunt in response as they were absorbed in their phones anyway. Henry however, locked eyes with you and made it a point to say “Take your time sweetheart.”.

You tore your eyes from the hulking man in front of you, fully aware (as was everyone else) of who he was. You pulled the till from the register and popped open all the little spring loaded arms that held the cash down. You set to work pulling each stack of money from their respective slots and began counting. You'd always been good with numbers, especially related to money, so it was easy for you. Your hands flew as you counted and in no more than five minutes you had the drawer counted and reset to its original $200 set up. You were so focused on the task at hand that you didn't notice Henry watching your every move, in awe of your speed and accuracy. The gears in his brain began to turn, coming up with an idea. You patted Sarah on the shoulder and told her she was good to go as you ushered the new cashier up to take her place. Grabbing the till you brought with you from the office, you flitted back to the room and disappeared from Henry’s sight as the door slammed closed.

After making his purchases, Henry stalked over to the door you vanished behind and knocked. He could hear muffled sounds of shuffling paper and rubber bands being snapped, no doubt tying together stacks of money. The tell tale sound of a safe slamming shut was the last sound before the door flung open and you appeared once again with a hand on your hip.

“Can I help you Mr.Cavill?” you asked, your tone a bit stern, to help mask your attraction to the beautiful man. Henry chuckled to himself before offering his hand to you, a business card wedged between his index and middle finger.

“Call me. I think i have a job for you.” was all he said before he turned and walked out the automatic doors at the front of the store. Damn. “I could bounce a quarter off that ass.” you thought to yourself.

You turned the card over in your hands and mumbled “Well, the pay cant be any worse than what I make now.” and the rest was history.

-Present Day -

The room in Henry’s home that you worked in was large with a heavy door that contained a high tech locking mechanism, and a large security guard right outside of said door. The big redwood table you did your work at was covered from end to end with stacks of cash. Henry had stocked the room with everything you'd need to keep his money in order and to balance the books of his “operation”. You didn't know what the operation was and you never cared to ask, as long as your direct deposit hit your account by 8 am every friday morning. His business was none of your business unless there was a money issue. And today, for the first time, there was a money issue.

You ran the numbers in your head over and over and over as you banded the bills together. There was money missing, you were sure of it, but you couldn't figure out where it had gone. You had triple counted every bundle of money that was given to you and it all added up to be about $100,000 short of what it should have been.

You set to counting the money for the fourth time just to be sure when you heard the muffled yet distinct voices of Henry and his two closest “employees” (if you could call them that) coming down the hall towards your room. You paid them no mind as the door opened, and kept working at the task at hand.

“Good afternoon sweetheart! How are we today?” Henry greeted you with a lighthearted tone. You two often playfully bantered, him swearing that if he wasn't such a bad man he’d sweep you off your feet and make you his wife one day, and you responding with “You wouldn't know what to do with me Cavill.” before going about your separate days. But today, you had no time or patience to entertain the bear of man.

“Someone is shorting you.” You said as the money continued to fly through your hands. “E-excuse me?” Henry questioned with a scoff. “You heard what i said. You're $100,000 short.” You continued without looking at him, focused and zeroed in on your task. “You're wrong. You've got to be wrong!” he bellowed at you, hands braced on the other side of the table, his lackies trying and failing to calm him.

You stopped counting. Your eyes snapped up to meet his as you slammed the stack of money you were counting onto the shiny wood of the table. You rose from your seat and matched his stance, palms flat on the surface of the table. Leaning forward you hissed, “I’m wrong? I'M wrong? I’m gonna tell you why i'm NOT wrong. I’m not wrong, because I'm NEVER wrong. I can’t afford to be wrong. More importantly YOU can't afford for me to be wrong. If i had a track record for being wrong, I wouldn't have a fucking job. So maybe have Crabbe and Goyle over there, ” you jabbed your finger in the direction of the two men with him, “look into it.”

Henry cracked a small smile as your chest heaved and your skin burned with anger. How dare he doubt you?! You would never make such a monumental mistake! And now he was smiling?! This bastard really had a penchant for pissing you off today.

“Crabbe and Goyle? Does that make me Draco Malfoy then?” Henry asked lowly, smile spreading across his stupid beautiful face. You couldn't help it and you started to smile too, but you bit your lip to stop yourself. “Tsk tsk tsk, no no no dear. None of that.” He murmured reaching across the rest of the distance between you two to brush the pad of his thumb over your lower lip, tugging it out from between your teeth. The action only stoked the fire building in your belly.

“I'm sorry I doubted you. I should have known better, that you would have been smart enough to double even triple count the money before coming to me about the issue. I'm sorry love. I am.” He apologized, hand over his heart as he came around to your side of the table, leaning against the edge. You crossed your arms over your chest and rolled your eyes as he tutted at you and extended his arms to pull you toward him by your waist.

“Crabbe. Goyle. Out.” Henry snapped without turning to look at the men who were now scurrying out of the room. As he drew you in closer you planted your hand against his chest. The confusion in his eyes evident, assuming he read the energy of the room wrong. You quickly rectified his confusion by leaning in and planting wet open mouthed kisses on his neck, all the way to the shell of his ear.

There was no mistaking the groan and shudder that ran through that dangerous man’s body when you spoke softly into his ear. “Now. Let's talk about your punishment for doubting me. You'll be a good boy for me, won't you darling?”

THE END

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bluesockets · 3 years

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HUGO WEIDERMANN ( HE/HIM ) is a CIS MALE, THIRTY-SEVEN year old THERAPIST & PSYCHIATRIST who has been living in Moorbrooke for TWO YEARS. They were born on MARCH 5 and right now, they are currently residing in REDGRAVE GROVE. It has been said that they look suspiciously like MATTHEW GRAY GUBLER and if they had to choose a song to describe themselves, they would choose HEAVY BALLOON by FIONA APPLE. ( ox, 21+, cst, he/him )

❮ it grows relentless like the teeth of a rat it's just got to keep on gnawing at me !! ❯ TW : ILLNESS, DRINKING MENT. !

full name : hugo weidermann. nicknames : he actually hates most derivatives of his name. calling him ‘huey’ is a one way ticket to getting your number blocked. pronouns : he/him. age : thirty-seven. date of birth : march 5, 1984. zodiac : pisces. gender : cis male. sexuality : gay. hometown : munich, germany. current residence : redgrave grove. languages spoken : german + english.

BIO !

—— hugo was born into a moderately wealthy family right in the middle of munich, germany. his parents pushed a lot of their #grindset on him and his baby sister. unfortunately for him, this meant a future of perfectionism and unrelenting gifted kid syndrome. he sacrificed a lot of his social needs for grades early in his life and after a while, it all became second nature. once in a blue moon he’d talk to his peers in scouting but he’d stutter, stumble over his words, and never quite found the right things to say. figuring himself a lost cause, he studied. he helped his mom with the garden. maybe occasionally played half life or duke nukem on the family computer. all of this dedication to perfection made him a shoe-in for harvard university, all the way over in the united states. his parents, father especially, encouraged the idea. that was all he needed to get himself on a plane to massachusetts. he was just glad his family could afford frequent flights back home, in case everything went to shit. —— when he first landed, hugo thought he’d only be in the states for school, but he ended up liking it a lot more than he thought he would. after finishing school and taking up a residency in downtown boston, he moved to new york. he made a good amount of money, was able to keep in touch with the few friends he met in college, and even secured a few long term relationships along the way. he hit his thirties and finally felt that he reached a point of contentment. this ... didn’t last long. —— right before he was able to buy his first house in the city he fell ill and, after seeing more doctors than he could count on both hands and feet, was diagnosed with lupus and rheumatoid arthritis. this wasn’t something he thought he was going to be able to handle by himself, so his sister came down from her home in germany to assist him with his daily needs. the two of them definitely couldn’t afford new york and medical bills on hugo’s salary alone, which led them to pack their bags and head to ( what his sister considered ) the next best option. moorbrooke, maine !! he wasn’t too stoked about this. he’d be leaving most of his support system behind and he knew absolutely nothing about the area, but his sister found a job there and it was a good place for him to start a private practice of his own. he’s still struggling over the loss of independence and the complete change from where he was in life before, but he’s coping ! after spending a lot of time inside and away from the people of moorbroke, he finally thinks he might be ready to actually make a life here. even if he wasn’t, his sister isn’t gonna move the two of them any time soon.

TIDBITS !

he’s a very nice dude and will totally engage with people, he just cannot bring himself to let his walls down. you really gotta know hugo well if you wanna have a conversation about anything serious without him deflecting the whole damn time.

his accent .... god rest his soul. he’s been living here for 20 years and sometimes people still need to take a second to understand him. especially when he drinks. two beers in and the man needs a translator.

speaking of drinking, he doesn’t do it often, and he can’t hold his liquor. i’d actually advise people to never give him alcohol. like, ever.

was on the rowing team in college. please don’t ask him about it. he’ll talk about it forever.

if it weren’t for his dog and his bees he’d be at rock bottom. outside of writing ( which i will get to in a jiffy ), beekeeping is his favorite hobby. ask him nicely and he might give you a jar of honey.

before coming down with lupus and RA he wrote two very boring books for psychiatrists and psychiatrists only. now that his focus has shifted away from his career a little bit, he’s in the middle of writing a poetry collection.

you will find this man at every bookstore in a 10 mile radius. he can’t be in the sun for too long so instead he likes to look at stuff he promises himself he won’t buy and then buys it anyway.

CONNECTIONS !

clients

he’s got fifteen clients on his caseload just to keep himself from losing his mind. he specializes in family, grief, trauma, and stress but doesn’t limit himself too much because of how small the town is. what i’m saying is : let hugo prescribe your characters drugs.

fellow beekeepers

he’s kept to himself a lot during his time in moorbrooke but his sister used to force him out at least some of the time. she drives him to beekeepers association events and conventions often enough, i would imagine it’d be a lot easier for him to talk to someone who shares the same niche hobby !! if your muse doesn’t keep bees, i’m always down for him to talk to some of the people who buy his honey at farmer’s markets.

former close friends

hugo met a lot of people ( particularly on harvard’s rowing team ) in college and during his stint in new york. i’m sure it’d be great for him to meet someone he knew up here because he’s honestly so tired of having to get used to new situations by himself.

flirtationship but hugo is oblivious the entire time

this guy is definitely the type to flirt with people on accident. i think it’d be really fuckin funny if he was flirting back and forth w someone he wasn’t consciously flirting with in the first place.

😏

listen the only thing i love playing out more slow burn self improvement and found family is romance. he’s been single since he was in new york and i think he deserves a little smooch. please dm me if your muse is also deserving of a little smooch.

etc, etc, etc !

there’s definitely more i want. i want everything you have to give me. however, if you’re in need of specifics, i would love to see : his doctors, people he can become friends with + let his walls down around, people he can teach german to, other authors, beta readers, and neighbors !

what am i missing. ah, yes.

pinterest / spotify [coming soon!]

#mbintro #* ‣ 𝐡𝐮𝐠𝐨 𝐰𝐞𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐧 ― abouts. ❜#illness tw #drinking mention tw

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trippinglynet · 3 years

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Drug Use for Grown Ups by Dr. Carl L Hart

“I am an unapologetic drug user. I take drugs as part of my pursuit of happiness and they work” begins Dr. Carl Hart’s newly released book, Drug Use for Grown Ups: Chasing Liberty in the Land of Fear.

Dr. Carl Hart is a professor of Psychology at Columbia University and the former the Psychology Department Chair. He is a research scientist that focuses his efforts on understanding drug use and drug addiction. His personal journey took him from being a supporter of strict drug laws with harsh penalties to being an advocate of legalization and science-based public policies.

His new book, Drug Use for Grown Ups, explains why drug policies in the United States are deeply flawed, often propped up by racist appeals and unsupported by science. Dr. Hart’s personal story is also compelling, and he effectively weaves his own narrative throughout the book providing a fresh perspective on the issues.

Dr. Hart grew up in a poor neighborhood. He used and sold drugs, and kept a gun in his car. After completing high school he joined Air Force, which started him on the path of higher education. Ultimately he earned a Ph.D in neuroscience, in large part because he wanted to solve the issue of addiction, which he blamed for many of the problems his childhood neighborhood faced.

As his knowledge grew, his perspective changed. He began to see drug abuse as a symptom of a problem, rather than its cause. Unemployment, racism, classism, poverty, and boredom contribute to drug abuse. In contrast, he recognized that physically and mentally healthy people may choose to use drugs to increase their personal happiness, without imposing any cost on society and little or no harm to themselves. Recreationally he has used, and in some cases continues to use drugs to improve his life. Among the drugs he has used are heroin, MDMA and cannabis.

Drug Use for Grown Ups has been released at a perfect time. Decriminalization of cannabis has lead to a broader reconsideration of drug policies. The voters of Oregon recently voted to decriminalize all drugs, and focus resources on treating those who experience troubles. In the coming years our social policies toward drugs and their users will be reconsidered, and Dr. Hart’s message needs to be heard loud and clear in any debate.

Let’s take a moment to review some of the themes Dr. Hart touches upon.

the War on Drugs

The foundation of American drug policy has never been the public’s good health. Instead, it has been a tool used by politicians and law enforcement to consolidate power and advance personal objectives. The War on Drugs has been and always will be a war on the poor and people of color. It has been used to stoke fear in middle America, often using deeply racist rhetoric. The prize is large: A $35 billion industry. An industry that relies on one drug crisis after another to sustain it.

A now familiar refrain began in earnest over 100 years ago, when white America was first warned of the pending dangers of drug abuse. In 1914, a New York Times article announced “Negro Cocaine ‘Fiends’ Are a New Southern Menace.” (See insert). The author, an accomplished physician, warned of the “Negro fiend’s'“ homicidal propensities, and super human abilities: “[T]he deadly accuracy of the cocaine user has become axiomatic in Southern police circles…. the record of the ‘cocaine nigger’ near Asheville who dropped five men dead in their tracks using only one cartridge for each, offers evidence that is sufficiently convincing.” [FN]

But we need not look back 100 years to see this same rhetoric. The crazed super-human negro theme appeared in 1991, when Rodney King was badly beaten by Los Angeles police. The assault was justified initially by the claim King was on PCP at the time of the beating, and the use of PCP, it was reported, can give super human strength.[FN] When toxicology showed no traces of PCP, the argument became that it was reasonable for the officers to use overwhelming force because they believe King was on PCP. [FN] Missing from news reports is the demonstrated fact that PCP does nothing to increase human strength, although it can reduce the perception of pain as one is badly beaten.

When Trayvon Martin was shot to death by George Zimmerman in 2012, Zimmerman’s lawyer argued that Mr. Martin’s drug use could have made him aggressive and paranoid [FN]. While barring testimony that Martin regularly used marijuana, the judge in the case allowed a toxicology report to be admitted that showed trace amounts of THC in his body. The amounts were well below the threshold for any type of intoxication, and suggest that he had not used marijuana for at least twenty-four hours.[FN] As Dr. Hart notes, Zimmerman’s “[defense team] reverted to the familiar and tired marijuana-crazed Negro script, illustrating the enduring persuasive power of this myth.”

And in 2014, while peacocking his proposed harsh drug legislation, Maine Governor Paul LePage sounds the familiar tune of the negro menace coming to town, and leaving in their wake a trail of drug-fueled destruction and impregnated white girls.

Wait, what? Impregnated white girls? Yup, read (or better yet, watch the video):

I’ve got a bill into the legislature right now to take the traffickers….these are not the people who take drugs….These are guys with the name D-Money, Smoothie, Shifty. These types of guys, they come from Connecticut and New York. They come up here, they sell their heroin, then they go back home. Incidentally, half the time they impregnate a young, white girl before they leave, which is a real sad thing because then we have another issue that we got to deal with down the road.

A racist dog whistle through a bullhorn, cynically used by the Governor of one of the whitest states in the nation.

These drug laws, enacted via race-based fear mongering, are often drafted to primarily impact poor and BIPOC communities. Selective enforcement further leverages their discorporate impact on vulnerable populations. Dr. Hart notes, for example, that the infamous 1973 Rockefeller drug laws in New York State created mandatory 15 years to life sentences for the possession of small amounts of heroine or other drugs, and “More than 90 percent of those convicted under the Rockefeller laws were black or Latino, even though they represented a minority of drug users.” And one should not forget the crack cocaine laws, which provided penalties of 100 times that of powdered cocaine, despite there being little difference between the two compounds other than the manner in which they are ingested (smoking vs. snorting), and the population perceived to be using them (black vs. white).

The False Science of Drug Abuse Policy

"There are virtually no data on humans indicating that responsible recreational drug use causes brain abnormalities in otherwise healthy individuals. "

As a research scientist, Dr. Hart is able to go beyond reviewing the contemptible motivations and tactics of some of the anti-drug crusaders, and addresses head on the science of drug use. Drug policy should be routed in public health concerns, not in political power grabs. U.S. government action should be designed to promote those values articulated in our Declaration of Independence, which guarantees our citizens the birthrights of “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” Dr. Hart correctly notes that the Declaration of Independence “proclaims each person’s right to live as they see fit, as long as they do not interfere with others’ ability to do the same. And it declares that governments are created ‘to secure these rights,’ not to restrict them.”

A common sense approach to drug regulation is for the government to balance public health concerns and an individual’s pursuit of personal happiness, using scientific data to weigh the costs and benefits of restricting individual freedom. The first step in this process is to look at objective, peer-reviewed scientific studies of drug use. It turns out this isn’t as easy as it should be.

First, studies often show that either the harm from drugs isn’t particularly high. For example, back in 1972, Richard Nixon declared drugs to be “Enemy Number One”, and the phrase “The War on Drugs” became popularized, which included aggressive prosecution of marijuana use. This was simultaneous with Nixon’s own Shafer Commission releasing its finding, following a comprehensive, science-based analysis of the issue of marijuana use in the United States. It found “No significant physical, biochemical, or mental abnormalities could be attributed solely to their marihuana smoking” and recommended decriminalization of its possession.[FN] It’s no surprise that one of Nixon’s closest aids later told a journalist that the War on Drugs was a war on the “antiwar left and black people”[FN]

"Over my more than twenty-five-year career, I have discovered that most drug-use scenarios cause little or no harm and that some responsible drug-use scenarios are actually beneficial for human health and functioning."

But what about studies that do find drugs to create some type of harm? As Dr. Hart developed his professional expertise he came to a troubling conclusion: “I came to realize that drug-abuse scientists, especially government-funded ones, focus almost exclusively on the detrimental effects of drugs, even though these are, in fact, a minority of effects.” And concluded, “over my more than twenty-five-year career, I have discovered that most drug-use scenarios cause little or no harm and that some responsible drug-use scenarios are actually beneficial for human health and functioning.”

Dr. Hart calls out bias at National Institute of Drug Addiction, and in particular, the roll of Dr. Nora Vokow, NIDA’s director. NIDA is a government agency, with an annual budget in excess of $1 billion. Many scientists rely on NIDA grant money to do their studies. While recognizing Dr. Vokow as an accomplished researcher, Dr. Hart also paints a picture of a bully, who overstates the negative impact that recreational drugs have on the brain, while essentially ignoring any benefits. Many scientists don’t publicly share their views for fear of repercussion, including the loss of critical funding from the NIDA. In short, “it is difficult to disentangle politics from science when dealing with a federal organization such and NIDA.” Personally, I doubt that a research agency that names itself “National Institute of Drug Addiction” rather than the “National Institute of Drug Health” is likely to produce unbiased analysis anytime soon.

Unfortunately, the issue goes beyond the almost inevitable bias in U.S. government funded studies. Even when a scientific study is well designed, researchers can interpret the results to support their own pre-conceived notions, an issue Dr. Hart provides evidence of. The press can then take the study and further distort findings with sensational headlines. Dr. Hart takes the time to walk through several examples where these distortion have occurred as well. He also provides a basic framework on how to read studies, and to interpret their results. He even spends a fair amount of pages criticizing his own early work, which reflected a lack of working knowledge of the substances being studied, resulting in flawed study design.

Finally, the government can then selectively pick studies to support whatever policy they wish to pursue, typically one that will require more government and more funding for law enforcement. We have already seen how the Nixon administration ignored its own committee’s findings to pursue an anti-drug agenda. The prohibition of LSD and psilocybin was also driven almost entirely by politics, with barely a fig leaf of scientific data to support it, and only after over fifty years of active repression of scientific research is the therapeutic value of these substances once again being documented in double blind studies.

And for MDMA, a drug that has always shown significant promise for treating psychiatric conditions, the DEA effectively shut down research into its benefits in 1985, arguing MDMA need not have caused any actual harm to be placed in Schedule I, and that a potential for abuse was sufficient. [FN] Today, both psilocybin and MDMA are on the verge of being available for legal use under medical supervision. Even Peter Jennings and ABC News took our politicians to task for their treatment of MDMA in a 2004 special news report. (See insert).

The hypocrisy and personal greed of politicians who promote the War on Drugs is clear. But perhaps no clearer than in the case of John Boehner, the former Republican Speaker of the House, who opposed cannabis during his three decades of government service. He retired in 2015 and three years later did a complete about face from his prior thirty years in government by supported cannabis legalization. Why the quick change? He joined the board of Acreage Holdings, a Canadian firm that is the largest multi-state owner of cannabis licenses and assets in the United States. Shockingly, when asked about regrets in promoting an anti-Cannabis that resulted in mass incarceration, he noted “I don’t have any regrets at all” and when pressed elaborated “The whole criminal justice part of this, frankly, it never crossed my mind”. As Dr. Hart notes, Boehner doesn’t “seem to give one fuck about the extensive harms caused by the prohibitory policies he once supported.”[FN]

Stigmatization and The path to effective policy

We’ve already seen the harmful motivation of politicians, the challenges of bunk science, but a third factor really colors everything. The stigmatization of drug users.

A few years back, when Trippingly.net was suddenly gaining unexpected media attention, an interviewer asked why I had started a “harm prevention website”. Irritated, I shot back that Trippingly was not a harm reduction website. The confused and well-intentioned interviewer asked me what Trippingly was, if not focused on harm reduction. I stumbled at bit, before clumsily declaring it to be an “awesomeness enhancing website”.

It wasn’t an unfair question really. At the time, virtually every website that discussed the recreational use of drugs wrote disclaimers that they didn’t advocate the use of drugs, and hid behind the veil of “harm reduction.” I didn’t even immediately understand my own frustration at the question, but underlying my emotional outburst was frustration of the very premise of the question; the premise that any website that focuses on drug use must be dedicated to reducing some type of harm, despite almost all Trippingly’s content being focused on the positives I perceived associated with psychedelics and many other drugs.

Dr. Hart also bristles at phrase “harm reduction”. For him, “It doesn’t capture the complexities associated with grown-up activities such as love or war or drug use. Instead, it preoccupies us with drug-related harms. And the connection between harms and drug use is reinforced repeatedly through our speech.” Maximizing the safety of any activity, whether it be driving a new car, engaging in a new workout regime, or embarking on drug use has safety as an element, but not the primary focus. Dr. Hart suggests a better phrase would be “Health and Happiness”, which focuses on both using compounds safely, and using them in a manner that promotes personal happiness.

Again, effective public policy is one that balances the health of the user (and any concurrent costs to society) and the user’s happiness and personal freedom. The current prohibition culture fails society and users alike by creating more problems than it solves.

The use of virtually any recreational drug in an appropriate setting by a healthy user is likely to be safe at a reasonable dose. Troubles begin when a user takes a drug in an unsafe environment, at an inappropriate dose or when the drug has been adulterated. The criminalization of drug use has made each of these problems worse, not better.

The first step in safe drug use is education and information. A drug user should have access to clear, science-based information on how, where and how much to take a drug. And the drug user should have access to pharmaceutical grade compounds. The quickest route, of course, is legalization of all drugs, including the legalization of sale and distribution of pharmaceutical grade drugs. Until that day, providing education to drug users about the effects, dosages and risks coupled with inexpensive and anonymous testing of psychoactive compounds would go a long way toward true harm reduction.

Let’s consider this proposition by examining one of the most controversial drugs, heroin. Remember, Dr. Hart has noted that he has used heroin for years, without creating any social harm, and suffering no apparent adverse medical effects. He even deliberately used heroin daily to develop a dependency to better understand withdrawal (very unpleasant, but manageable).

We have all been bombarded with the latest drug crisis, the Opioid Crisis. When we dig down a bit, the crisis is not quite what it seems. Let’s take heroin as an example. Heroin presents risks to the user. But Dr. Hart introduces us to Barbara Broers, a professor at the University of Geneva, who notes (in a quiet, and matter-of-fact tone), “Heroin is one of the safest drugs.” Dr. Hart reaction at hearing this at the time likely reflects most people’s: “I’m not exactly sure what I said or if I even said anything, but I am certain that the incredulous look on my face communicated, ‘Get the fuck out of here!’”

Dr. Hart next systematically walks through the risks and statistics associated with opioid use: most heroin users do not become addicted, but risks increase if you are young, unemployed or have co-occurring psychiatric disorders. Perhaps more importantly for public policy, the real concern is adulterants in heroin. The presence of fentanyl when a user is expected heroin can kill. The issue isn’t that fentanyl is so inherently dangerous. It’s that the effective dose of heroin is much larger than that of fentanyl, and the unexpected substitution can easily cause a user to overdose.

The unpredictability of the heroin supply has driven many users to take prescription pills, such as Percocet or Vicodin, however, these drugs contain only a small amount of opioid and a larger dose of acetaminophen. So a user chasing a opioid high might be tempted to take several pills to achieve their goal, but in doing so risk liver damage from the acetaminophen. Similarly, users that combine opioid and a sedative, such as alcohol, greatly increase their risk.

Note, that none of these issues are inherent in the use of heroin. They are caused by the prohibition of heroin, which creates both an unreliable black market and an information gap. Dr. Hart aptly concludes: “People are not dying because of opioids; they are dying because of ignorance.”

The same argument can be made with almost all drugs that are subject to the prohibition. For example, next time you read about an overdose death on MDMA, in all probability the death is the result of the drug’s true content or strength being misrepresented to users, or the drug being mixed by the user with other drugs.

A Note on Drug Exceptionalism

No all reform efforts rest at the feet of politicians. We all share responsibility to move the ball forward. Most readers of Trippingly are seeking information about psychedelics. The psychedelic community historically is unusually well educated, financially stable and predominantly white, although for the past few years I have witnessed a rapid and welcomed demographic diversification. Nonetheless, even with the shifting demographics, one will quickly encounter drug exceptionalism in our community.

Dr. Hart recounts being approached by a middle-aged white military veteran who shared his experience with “plant medicines” he used not to “get high” but to facilitate his “spiritual journey”. Dr. Hart felt some contempt, not anger at the man personally, but a general annoyance “with the mental gymnastics that some psychedelic users perform in order to distance themselves from other drug users.”

I have always advocated for the recreational use of drugs, along with the use for personal growth and healing. In many ways I believe the lines people draw between these categories are fairly arbitrary and almost always self-serving. As a frequent public speaker, I often encounter drug exceptionalism. Almost always certain drugs are viewed in a favorable light, while others viewed negatively. Tellingly, which drugs belong in which bucket varies predictably depending on my median age and race of my audience.

My first observation speaking to groups is that once I declare myself as a strong proponent of the recreational use of drugs, including the recreational use of psychedelics, I find most of the audience seems to breath a collective sigh of relief. Yes, it’s ok to have a good time on psychedelics and not have to always deal with heavy stuff. Here’s your permission slip. Enjoy.

But then things get tricky. I don’t view the use of psychedelics as being in any way morally superior to the use of any other compound. I do believe (with certainty) that certain drugs require a higher experience level and diligence than others. Some drugs are plain simple to use. Others are not. However, in the psychedelic world there is a common hierarchy of drugs, which might look a little like this: Ayahuasca> mushrooms/LSD> MDMA> Adderall> crystal meth> heroin. I suspect that almost everyone in an average psychedelic discussion group would agree with this ranking if they were entitled to switch only one ranking. Dr. Hart takes this thinking to task.

First, he notes that the distinction between having “a good time” and healing or spiritual enlightenment is often difficult to parse. “Sacred experiences that positively affect one’s self-perception, worldview, goals, and ability to transcend one’s difficulties are hard to separate from one’s feelings of pleasure or happiness.” What’s more, he notes he has experienced all these effects after taking non-psychedelic drugs.

Dr. Hart goes on to note that he wouldn’t classify MDMA as a psychedelic. “It is an amphetamine, period.” And of course he is right. MDMA creates an experience that is distinct from many other amphetamines, but its chemical composition makes it an amphetamine. Moreover, the subjective experience of ecstasy is far more closely aligned with other stimulants than any classic psychedelic. Nonetheless, Dr. Hart is undoubtedly correct in his conclusion that “MDMA is categorized as a psychedelic by respectable, middle-class white folk because they use and enjoy it.”

We owe it ourselves and others to look beyond this type of elitism. Choose your own intention but abandon any pretense of superiority when it comes to our substance of choices.

Closing Thoughts

While Drug Use for Grown-Ups is an important book, it is also an enjoyable read. Some of Dr. Hart’s most moving material only relates tangentially to drugs. His relationship with his wife and son and the racism they encounter are powerful. The risk associated with vulnerability Dr. Hart describes is heart breaking, and an important read for anyone who has not experienced systemic racism. Hart’s own struggle to be open about his drug use, and his call for others in positions of power (and privilege) are important messages to the growing mass of middle and upper class people who have discovered drug use to be a powerful way to improve their quality of life.

A new War on Drugs is starting. It is a cultural war, in which we can no longer afford to allow half truths and outright lies be told. And war in which we must not allow people to be marginalized because their choice of drug is not our choice of drug.

#Book Review #Dr. Carl L Hart #Decriminalization #Public policy #Columbia University #Heroin #Cocaine #MDMA #THC

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