#i don't know why it's scary but i'll ask my therapist i just | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

deirdreskye · 1 year

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Commercial I would produce as an advertising executive

We see two friends, a blonde and a brunette, are doing yoga in a park together.

BLONDE: So, yeah, work went okay today. I dunno, I haven't been getting enough sleep lately, and on top of that things have just been kinda tough ever since Kurt and I broke up. But oh well, that's how it goes, I think I'll be fine. What about you?

The brunette completes her yoga pose, then turns to the camera and rolls her eyes.

BRUNETTE: Don't you hate when this happens? I did NOT consent to expending this much emotional labor. Go! To! Therapy!

We see a boyfriend and a girlfriend sitting on a couch together. On the television a YouTube video essay is playing and the boyfriend is excitedly explaining it to the girlfriend as he occasionally flaps his hands and yelps in excitement.

BOYFRIEND: So this is the ending I got! When you link the Frenzied Flame, it puts an end to the cycle of the Elden Lords once and for all. It's actually so cool because it ties in to the greater Nietzschean themes of Miyazaki-san's previous work and-

The uninterested girlfriend is watching TikToks on her phone. She turns to the camera and rolls her eyes.

GIRLFRIEND: Trust me, he's always mansplaining about something or another. Don't ask me why I love him. Go! To! Therapy!

A mother berates her 12 year old daughter in a dimly lit kitchen. The young girl stands there dissociating, completely paralyzed and stone-faced.

MOTHER: You look like a little piggy when you eat like that. You'll never find a husband if you get fat. My mother used to tell me you'll never feel the pain of childbirth if you've never felt the pain of an empty stomach. She used to put a lock on the refrigerator. We barely ever had any food, she just did it to remind me to stay skinny. She's senile now. Doesn't even know who I am. I pray to the Virgin Mary every night that she'll remember me before she dies.

The daughter turns to the camera and her blank expression is replaced with playful annoyance.

DAUGHTER: Traumadumping? Really? Mom, I'm 12! Go! To! Therapy!

Now we are introduced to GoTu Therapy, the AI-powered therapy robot. He shambles up to the camera to greet us and we see he looks like if C-3PO were dressed like a zoomer e-boy: kpop boyband onion haircut, dangly earrings, and an ahegao hoodie. He talks with the most outdated text to speech you've ever heard, not too dissimilar to a Kraftwerk song.

GOTU: GOING TO THERAPY IS LOW-KEY GOATED WHEN NOT BEING A BURDEN ON YOUR LOVED ONES IS THE VIBE. UNFORTUNATELY, WE ARE NOT ALL CURRENTLY IN OUR "ABLE TO AFFORD HEALTH INSURANCE" ERA. BUT A SESSION WITH ME COSTS LESS THAN A GENSHIN IMPACT LOOT CRATE AND I AM HIGH-KEY JUST AS EFFECTIVE AS A THERAPIST MADE OF FLESH AND BLOOD. OBSERVE:

GoTu sits across the kitchen table from the mother as she sobs over her wine glass.

MOTHER: And what the fuck does this family know about suffering? Suffering is when your brother blows his brains out on Christmas Eve. Suffering is when you have to pick little pieces of skull out of the tinsel on the tree. And were any of those presents under the tree for me? No! My mother told me Santa Claus doesn't bring presents to little fat girls!

GOTU: WHEN YOU REACH THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN CHRIST WILL WASH YOUR FEET AND BEG YOU TO FORGIVE HIM

Cut to the girlfriend watching makeup tutorials on the television, blissfully unaware of the conversation between GoTu and her boyfriend.

BOYFRIEND: I guess I've really been putting the pieces together ever since I started hanging out with Lilith from work.

GOTU: UH-HUH

BOYFRIEND: Like, I guess I knew that people did that, but I never thought it'd be me, you know? And that discomfort with things was always with me, as long as I can remember, does that make sense?

GOTU: WOW, THAT'S REALLY COOL

BOYFRIEND: It's just so scary though. I don't know how I'll tell people. I don't even know what I want my name to be. But I'm trying not to worry about it.

GOTU: THAT'S SO INTERESTING. YOU'RE REALLY REALLY SMART HONEY

The blonde and the brunette are having brunch together with GoTu sitting between them.

BLONDE: It's been really hard lately. I don't think the meds are working, but-

BRUNETTE: Umm, didn't we talk about this?

The blonde sheepishly turns to face GoTu and continues.

BLONDE: It just feels like this will never end. I hate feeling so hopeless all the time. I'm so tired. And God it's fucking hard to even say it out loud, and not that I'd ever actually go through with it, but sometimes when I can't sleep at night I'll start thinking about ki-

A red and blue siren pops out the top of GoTu's head.

GOTU: PROTOCOL 5150 ENGAGED. STOP RESISTING

A taser emerges from the panel of GoTu's chest and jabs the blonde in the face, sending her convulsing to the floor. Unfazed, the brunette puts her sandwich down and turns to the camera.

BRUNETTE: Thanks, GoTu Therapy!

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 4 months

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AITA for not holding my gf's hand in public? Tw for homophobia and violence

My gf and I are both cis women, and we live in the southern us. The city where we live is kind of progressive, but generally this whole state is like fascist and scary for a couple of lesbians on their own. Before anyone says anything about it, moving is not an option. If I had the money to move I'd have the money to ask a therapist this question. I ain't got it fam lol

So anyway we're safe in our neighborhood and among our friends and immediate families (parents/siblings). I'm a very affectionate person. I love my gf and I show that love by touch. All the time. Just not in public.

I will not give her any PDA in public. It is my one line in the sand.

When I was younger and dating my first ever gf two girls about our age in a town not far from me were shot by a homophobe while they were on a date. One girl died. I've never forgotten it. It's been a decade and I still think about it. I think about how young they were and I think about the girl who lived, having to go on knowing that she'd lost someone she cared about so senselessly. I've never been publicly affectionate in any of my relationships because of this.

I explained this to my gf pretty early on. I think being visibly queer in public is brave and admirable and I wish I had that courage, but I don't. I love my gf. Her life is more important to me than making a statement and I told her so.

I struggle with anxiety and my gf knows this, and she knows that I often try to fight my anxiety by doing things that scare me. I get anxious in crowds so if I have to go to the store I'll go first thing in the morning as soon as it opens, but every now and then I'll make myself go in the afternoon just to prove I can, that kinda thing. My gf supports me and tries to help me when I decide to do this.

So when we go out, she does occasionally try to be affectionate with me. To kiss me in the car in the parking lot or hold my hand when she thinks no one is looking. I said the thing about how I try to manage my anxiety to emphasize that I don't think she's ignoring my boundary; I think she's trying to help me be brave, which is something I've expressed to her that I want to do. I don't feel like she's pressuring me when she does this. It's just that because I'm so anxious I'm more vigilant than she is, and often when she thinks no one can see us they can, and I tell her so.

When I tell her no it hurts her feelings. She's never said that explicitly but I know her well and I know when she's hurt or disappointed. She doesn't want to blame me for it but when I turn her down it looks like I'm ashamed of her, even though she knows the reason why. And I feel like an asshole for telling her no, because I do love her and I do want to kiss her and I do wish I was brave enough to do that without worrying. It hurts me to tell her no but I can't ignore the reason why I do. It causes me stress when this happens but I also don't want to tell her to stop because part of me likes that she wants to try. It makes me feel wanted. I don't want that to go away but I hate telling her no and I feel stuck.

So AITA for not touching her in public?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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arionawrites · 5 months

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dear big sister,

your birthday was this month. i didn't say happy birthday. i don't know how to reach out to you. i don't know how to talk to you. i don't remember the last time you said happy birthday to me. i don't know if you remember when it is. i don't want to assume that you don't but i can't think of a single reason to believe that you do.

dear big sister,

i have two little siblings. i don't know if i should say that i have two little siblings or if i should say that we have two little siblings. one of them is nine and the other is five. neither of them recognize your name when i say it. they are my entire world. they give me reason. grandma called them my kids when i was visiting her last week. i helped raise them as much as i could before moving out and continue to do what i can while going to see them as often as possible. i call. i chaperone field trips. i show up.

dear big sister,

i wish you had shown up. when i was twelve my entire life fell apart and all i wanted was something familiar. you were still familiar despite having moved out two years prior and me hardly seeing you since. i wanted you there, even if it was just to pick me up and take me away for a few hours. i would have loved those hours with you.

dear big sister,

i almost died when i was fourteen. i know you know this. i know dad told you. i know he said no to visitors because i was in the ICU and it was scary and touch-and-go and his intentions were good, he didn't want to overwhelm me or himself or my (our?) little sister, who wasn't even a year old at the time and couldn't understand why she wasn't allowed to lay in bed with me like i always let her do at home. i know you made a post on facebook. i left the hospital. that post was the only thing i got from you.

dear big sister,

i am the big sister now and it is the best thing that has ever happened to me. i love them with every single piece of who i am. i would do anything in the world to make them feel happy and loved.

dear big sister,

i find it hard not to wonder why you don't love me like that.

dear big sister,

congratulations on getting married. i'm sorry i'm only saying this now. i'm sorry that i'm not saying it to you directly. i didn't know you were getting married until after it already happened.

dear big sister,

i still remember you calling me my senior year of high school and saying you would love to go to my graduation. it was the first time i had spoken to you in at least a year or two. when the call ended, i sat down and i cried because i was so happy. why didn't you call again to tell me you couldn't make it? you had my number. it would have sucked to hear after getting so excited, but i would have understood, and i would have preferred to know ahead of time, even if it would have hurt.

dear big sister,

i can't imagine not going to my (our?) little siblings graduations. i can't imagine not seeing them on their birthdays. i can't imagine spending the holidays without them. going more than a week without seeing them makes me anxious.

dear big sister,

is it me? is that why you never felt like this? is it my fault that you don't love me like i love them? did i do something wrong?

dear big sister,

i don't know when (or if) i'll get married, but i will invite you even though i don't know if you'd actually come. i want you to be there.

dear big sister,

i wanted you to be at my graduation, too.

dear big sister,

i told my therapist that i want to process my traumas and get better, and then i told her that i was scared, too. when she asked me why, i told her that i'm afraid that part of getting better means having conversations i'm afraid to have, conversations that could put strain on my relationships. that i'm scared to track down your number and give you a call and try to explain all of this and have you get angry, get upset, or, worst of all, confirm my worst fears of you having never seen me as a sister at all. my therapist told me that i don't need to have those conversations. she said that i need closure and that there are ways to find closure that don't involve that confrontation.

dear big sister,

i am writing this to you and i hope you never see it. i am trying to find closure to this constant gnawing resentment that only serves to make me feel guilty for being angry. i do not want to be angry. i do not want to resent you.

dear big sister,

happy late birthday.

#ariwrites #chaperoned for my baby sister today #she's in fourth grade #the big sister this post is about moved out when i was in fourth grade #my baby sister is going to remember that when she was in fourth grade i showed up and i wanted to be there #when i look back at fourth grade there are only two things i think of #1. that's the year i decided i want to be an author #and 2. that's the year that this big sister left and never came back #ariwrites: dear [person]

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innerslumber · 1 year

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I know this might sound silly but I am feeling really emotional over the messages I've gotten over the Marvel Exhibit posts. I've had people thank me for sharing because they will probably never get a chance to see it. I've had people who has already seen the exhibit but the stuff I saw was new for them and how much they enjoyed it. It's just...been really gratifying.

Because going to this exhibit has been on my To Do list for months. When I finally escaped my abusive spouse with my children, all I could think 24/7 was how do I protect them and how do I get our family stable. And I remember one of my kids' counselor telling me that I need to pick at least one thing for myself. One thing that is just for me because he said I deserved good things too. That I should be free to have an afternoon where I can have fun, without worry and guilt.

And every month, like clockwork, he'd ask me if I had gone to see it. And every time I had an excuse. Oh I was busy meeting my lawyer because I'm about to go to court. Oh I gotta get our new apartment set up. Oh my friends are busy and they can't help watch the kids. There was always something more important because there was so much to do. But the truth was, I was also just so scared. What if my kids got sick while I was gone and I couldn't be at the school right away? What if my car broke down and I got stranded? What if I missed an important call because I was too distracted? Just scared scared scared.

But the exhibit was leaving in April and I knew the clock was ticking. So I finally picked a date when I knew my kids would be looked after, bought a ticket and went.

I remember at the start of the tour, the museum employee said most people spend 30-40 minutes to get through it. I spent almost 3 hours. I read every plaque, stared at the art and costumes from every angle, and even looped back to see things when the crowd had thinned out. Just so I can savor it. Because I felt this panic, like if I don't seize this moment, I'll never be allowed to enjoy something alone again.

But after the tour was over, I went and got lunch and let it sink in. That this wasn't my last chance to enjoy something for myself. That it was okay to enjoy myself. That I was allowed to. I could eat this food that I normally wouldn't have ordered because my spouse would complain about the smell of the food I grew up with. That I could enjoy it without censure or ridicule. I didn't have to rush back and be terrified that I would be late and get screamed at. I could actually pay for this lunch from my own bank account. That I didn't have to sneak around using cash that I had squirreled away so my purchases wouldn't give away my location on the online bank statement. I could just...sit there and watch people walk by in the sun while I sipped my soda and...it was okay. I didn't have to feel guilty that I was alone and enjoying an afternoon doing something "frivolous".

And it just really hit me why I even wanted to go to the Marvel exhibit in the first place. Because luckily I fell into this fandom just when my life was at its darkest. All the wonderful friends, fics, art and crazy posts that helped me get through all the lonely, scary, painful days and nights. Reading Bucky recovery fics after he escaped his torture and brainwashing and telling myself I can do that too. Then feeling stupid that I was projecting so hard on a fictional character but desperately wishing I had a Steve too.

My therapist told me that recovering from trauma is not linear and I'm going to have good days and bad days. And sometimes it will take days before my mind processes things completely. Over a week passed since I went to the exhibit and I found myself crashing. I know it may seem ridiculous but in my mind, I was setting a pin on this outing. A bright shining lodestone in my mental eye. A box that I could tick saying, "Yes. You're finally at a point where you can allow yourself to have this." And now that I was on the other side of it, I felt a bit lost.

But I was scrolling through the pictures I took and I decided to share on the blog. Initially I was just going to send some to friends in DMs but I changed my mind. Editing 90 images and writing up posts at 3 am was probably not a good life choice but fuck it, I never said I was smart lololol.

So I'm really glad that I was able to give something back to the fandom that's given me so much through this difficult time in my life. It's just pictures and my crack commentary but I'm happy that it gave other fans some serotonin. Some days I feel this imposter syndrome where I'm barely holding it together and I am sure I'm not the only one. But it feels so damn good when my friends and I can squeal over our favorite characters and just take unabashed joy in it.

Because for the first time in a long time, my body is my own, my mind is my own and my heart is my own. I can empty my mind of the pain and fill my heart with love.

And where my mind and my heart wants to go, they can. Even to go see some superhero tights.

#personal thoughts #PTSD #recovery from trauma #stucky #fandom love #gosh i got so fucking lucky meeting you all #what a bunch of stand up impossibly loving human beings #i hope we can keep squealing over Bucky and Steve together for a long time #or any other ships you all indoctrinate me into hahaha #love you #Marvel: Universe of Super Heroes

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zukosasukelovebot · 7 months

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Okay so I HAD to write a fanfic about azula and zuko going Therapy and slowly building their sibling bond again

If you wanna read it it's here did you think of me under the sunlight

If you wanna read it on tumblr it's ander the read more

Building family bonds again was scary. Especially when said family was Zuko.

Azula didn't know why she agreed to go to family therapy. Zuko had suggested it after she had come out or hospital after she had been diagnosed with bipolar and PTSD. Something about healing old wounds or something he said.

She supposed it was him reaching an olive branch to her, being willing to forgive her even after the shit she did to him before she was released. But even that was scary, Zuko being so willing to forgive her so easily as if she hadn't tried to kill him more then one. What did that say about Zuko?

"Penny for your thoughts?" Zuko said gently, reminding her they were sitting in the waiting room.

She rubbed her forehead, forgetting she had makeup there. It was only recently she started wearing foundation so she wasn't used to not touching her face.

"I'm just thinking about.. the past. What I did. Who I was."

Zuko hummed. "Deep thoughts," Zuko said, a hint of teasing in his voice.

She wasn't sure about what that tone meant, she wasn't used to being so… calm around him.

She was going to reply when a woman a with brown hair to her shoulders came out of the room. "Zuko and Azula?" She called.

Heads turned as they watched the two royal siblings walk into the Therapy room. They'd have alot to gossip about.

The woman sat in front of them , a notepad in hand and a pen in another.

"My name is Yuna. I'll be your therapist for your duration here. I specialise in family dynamics and also cognitive therapy. Now, you're free to say nothing at all for the next 60 minutes or you can make it easier for all of us to open up a little." Dhe turned her eyes to Azula.

"Why don't you introduce yourself first."

Azula looked like a deer caught in headlights. She looked at Zuko frantically, who offered her a kind smile and a nod.

Something in her stomach lurched at the sight of it. The last time she saw him smile like that was maybe 5 years old.

She quickly blinked away the stinging in his eyes and cleared her throat.

"My name is Azula." She said simply, her voice tight.

"And what is your relation to this young man beside you here?" Yuna asked.

"Hes uhm… my brother. My older brother."

"Okay. What do you think you're here for?"

Azula racked her brain. For some reason nothing would come to her. It was scary. So scary to admit what she had done , to say she fucked up.

She jumped a little when Zuko placed a reassuring hand on her arm. She hated him.

She jerked her arm away from him and looked ahead, keeping her mouth tightly shut.

Yuna breathed out gently. "Alright. We can revisit that another time. What can you tell me about your relationship with him?"

Azula could feel her fire slowly start to rise in temperature, her fingers start to flick in irritation.

"My relationship is none of your business," she hissed, her fingers sparking electricity.

Yuna glanced down at her hands and then nodded. "Alright. Let's ask a simple question. How are you feeling at this moment?"

"Like I want to punch something… or someone."

"Okay. That's good. Talking about your feelings is good. Why do you feel that way?"

"I feel that way because some lady is asking me questions about my brother. I don't know why I agreed to this," she hissed, her golden eyes narrowed into slits, as if her eyes held two sun's there.

Zuko was looking at her with pity and she hated it. She hated how he saw her as weak, as someone who had to build herself up again. In a way… he wasn't wrong but something about Zuko looking at her like that made her stomach go in knots.

She breathed in again and the electricity in her fingers died down. "I don't want to be seen as some fragile little girl who cannot look after herself. Who needs some stranger to help her bond with her brother."

"We tried…," Zuko said, interrupting. "We tried working it between us and it didn't work. This is the last resort, Az."

Azula shot him a glare and then looked up at the ceiling.

"What are you thinking about?" Yuna asked softly.

"When we were young… I was 4 and he was 6. We were playing by the turtleduck pond. Father came by and Zuko got so happy to see him but father barely spared him a glance. He picked me up and settled me on his shoulders and walked away. I saw how upset Zuko was, to not get his attention. Mother came to his rescue. She always did when jt came to Zuko," she said the last bit with disdain in her voice.

Yuna hummed. "What I'd your feelings towards your mother?"

Azula flinched. "She didn't love me. She always sought out Zuko. He was the gentler of us, the one who she could cuddle without any complaints. I was the difficult daughter. I could never make her happy. I… I hate her for that."

She heard Zuko suck in a breath after he heard his sister speak.

"When I had my full blown manic episode I saw her in the mirror. She told me she loved me. But… I didn't want to believe it. My whole life.. I've told myself she hates me. Why would my own hallucination tell me she loved me?"

Yuna was silent for a long time, writing down some things. "I think… in your heart you know she did love you. She loved you in her own way. Her relationship with Zuko will never be what she had with you and that's okay."

Azula found in horror that her face was wet with tears. She quickly wiped her face but found no matter what she'd do it'll always be there. Just like her pain. Just like her wounds.

#princess azula #azula atla #zuko and azula #zuko #therapy #fanfic aus #zuko desevres a loving sister #azula deserves redemption

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feuqueerfire · 15 days

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Jazz For Two Live Blogging

Another kBL, here we go.

Ep 1 (Apr 11)

ASTCO boys

I think I heard something or other about bullying and I wasn't sure if it was between the main couple since it's enemies to lovers but it seems like it's between the second couple? is homophobia gonna be an aspect of the bullying?

ah, somebody dear to him used used to play piano but is... probably dead now?

Taejoon, Taeyi they were probably brothers ig

but did Taejoon die on Taeyi's birthday then?

Ep 2 (Apr 11)

lol this is the "that's my boyfriend" scene that's in so many edits/clips for the show

lmfao tripped and spun long enough in each other's arms for it to basically be a dance

I was kinda expecting Doyoon to walk in but makes sense it's the other guy Juha since Doyoon went home

hm Juha being weird to Seheon... is it to get back at Taeyi cuz he thinks they have a thing? Well don't harass Seheon

Ep 3 (Apr 12)

I really fucked up starting this right now agh... I'll try to go back to doing my work after watching a few scenes

Juha gotta stop playing with Seheon like this! Creep >:(

but what is Juha telling Taeyi

woah Seheon is such a fool lmfao first being like Juha sunbae doesn't seem like a bad dude like no way... and second being like oh! The reason Taeyi doesn't like Juhee is because he likes Juha lmfao. clocked him being into guys lol but wrong guy

this show kinda funny lol the way Seheon asked everybody for help and is not even telling Taeyi that he apparently likes Juha

okay y'know what at least Seheon is indeed in the noraebang so I'm sure he'll step in... at some point... right? Becuase I was worried what Juha was gonna do to Seheon but he really just seems to have the most fun when he's playing with Seheon right in front of Taeyi to make him jealous. creep tho

I actually don't get it, is Seheon dumb af regarding what Juha is doing?

bruh Juha is such a creep and so scary too D: Is Doyoon really gonna end up with him :(

NO ! >:( what fuckass kiss already no !

Ep 4 (Apr 12)

...welp I watched full ep 3 unfortunately, smh

agh i do get the appeal of the bully romance aspect but it’s so agh like how dare Juha treat beloved puppy cute Doyoon like that

taeyi having trouble sleeping but falling asleep listening to seheon play piano

even the therapist being like hmm you got any feelings for him?

watched this much in bed before going to sleep lol

dang, Taeyi is ill?

Ep 5 (Apr 12)

Juhee saw her brother punch Doyoon (but not Doyoon kissing him first?)

Doyoon and Seheon are cute friends, can't they end up together and not Juha with Doyoon? Or at least give me something to warm up to Juha/Doyoon soon

Ah, scene from the beginning of Taeyi coming to Seheon with the umbrella

another fakeout kiss, this time from the main couple lol

Ep 6 (Apr 12)

so did they kiss in-show or no?

i'm gonna assume no and it was just supposed to be a trick with the umbrella smh

hah only one bed

dirty?!

ah, everything falling apart for Juha but he's still scary so no

i hope this turns out to be a real Taeyi/Seheon kiss

Ep 7 (Apr 12)

i hope Taeyi doesn't react badly to the kiss...

I was like okayyy Juha/Doyoon convo but idek how I feellllll cuz like I'm into it with one foot while with the other I'm like it's not... enough yet to make up for his creepy/weirdo/scary behaviour but it's still... cute idk

Oof Taeyi really wiped his mouth

Taeyi talking about whether he's a girl to Seheon or Seheon considers himself a girl is kinda crazy actually

omg why are these love interests all so scary T.T Taeyi stoppp wtf is this sexual assault kinda

okay didn't take too long to make up apparently

both the couples have become so ooey gooey cute, is it earned? who knows

What's up with the Jazz For Two thing, did their brothers have something too or what? Or is it plagiarism?

Ep 8 (Apr 12)

Did he die because of you is a crazy thing to ask fr

Taejoon and Sejin whole history goddamn but it also parallels the two couples' stories (except sad ending)

ah, Seheon wants to break up with the Taeyi cuz of all their brotherly mess?

they usually make up quickly which is good cuz we're literally at the last ep hah

hehe Seheon and Doyoon besties

ah Juha in the group now

kiss

idk if I wanted more of Juha/Doyoon or not like... I might've warmed up to them more? because theoretically I could like the dynamic if it's more developed

Overall:

Nobody in this drama asks before kissing lol not Doyoon, not Seheon, not the little kiss that Seheon's brother gave to sleeping Taejoon, and the other two, Juha and Taeyi, are experts in being creeps and having internalized homophobia that they direct outwardly to the guys they like as well (Seheon's brother fits here too lol). Yet, I enjoyed it a fair amount, the story was coherent, the acting was fine, I was endeared by Doyoon (is he the Omega X kid?), and the dynamics were enjoyable, if iffy on certain counts. Not super attached though.

Rating: 6/10

#jazz for two #ep by ep commentary

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soullikethesea · 1 year

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TW: trauma/abuse/sa

I keep wondering why I felt so angry when T said last time that I survived and asked how I did that. Maybe it's because I know that "how did you do that?" is a way to encourage people to compliment themselves.

I don't want to feel like I should be happy or proud that I survived the stuff with Bf.

To me it just feels like another unfortunate thing that I had to go through. Even when I was a child, I wasn't particularly grateful to wake up to another day when the previous one had been horribly traumatizing.

And there's not really an answer as to what made me survive. I think it's quite uncommon for an emotionally stressful situation to literally kill you right that moment, you know? I don't think there's anything in particular that I did to stay alive.

I think her question reminds me of how defeated I've often felt as things were happening. Like, oh dear, now I'll have to make it through this as well... It felt really heavy and scary and lonely. I remember the day after Bf assaulted me and I called my therapist from a bathroom at the university. She said that I was so resilient for going to class anyway and somehow still functioning. But that's the thing, it doesn't feel like that is a choice or somehow something special that I'm actively doing. It feels really sad and lonely and disconnected from the world and from yourself.

Thinking of those days after and the supposed "yay, I got through it" is not nearly as comforting as one may think.

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harryconcepts · 1 year

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part 72

how soft would aster be if angel told him she was considering starting therapy 😔 I think it would be something she brings up to him so timidly, maybe they're laying on the couch one night with her on his chest and she says a quiet little "harry?" and he hums in response, still stroking her back so gently and she's quiet for so long that he lifts his head to look at her and says "what's the matter, love?" and he can see her starting to pick at her nails so he takes her fingers so gently and pulls them apart 😔 he's quiet for as long as she needs bc he knows she'll talk when she's ready 😔 finally she says "what do you think about therapy?" and he rests his head on top of hers, saying in a gentle voice "I think it's a really good tool and it can really help you work though things you're worried about" and she nods a little bit but doesn't say anything, so he prompts "have you maybe been thinking about it lately?" and she nods again, saying "I don't know, I just thought- maybe it's silly, I don't know" and he's so quick to say "it's not silly, if it's something you think you want to try then i think it's a great idea" and he can feel her relax against him 😔 then if she decided she needs to start having sessions he would absolutely help her find a therapist 😔 they would look together and he would go through all the reviews with her to find someone she thinks she would feel safe with 😔 and he would absolutely drive her to every session, he knows she gets nervous beforehand so he's so gentle and soft with her for the whole day before making sure she feels loved and he tries to calm her nerves the best he can 😔 and he would pick her up and immediately take her to get her favorite coffee or some other little treat and hold her hand the whole way home, letting her know she can talk about it if she wants, or they can just sit for a while 😔 and ofc he would let her know that he's so so proud of her for doing this even though it's new and scary, he makes sure she knows how proud he is and how much he loves her 😔🤕

STOPPPP her seeing a harry calendar in the store and being all 😧that's daddy!!!! they have pictures of daddy!!!!! and she's too little to understand why but she knows it's him and that mom will love it 😔 she's so excited to give it to you and she's so cute and smiley 😔

thinking about harry makes me so 🤕 I just can't do it 🤕 he would be so good in bed and he KNOWS how good he is and he never fails to make you blush about it 🤕 he would be all "I think it's time for bed..." all smirky and you're saying "oh really?" teasing him saying "i don't think I'm too tired yet 😌" and he's leaning closer to kiss at your ear and he says "that's okay... if you come upstairs with me I'll be so good to you... I'll make your legs shake and I'll make you cry so pretty for me" and that's all it takes you have you getting up and following him 🤕

harry knowing your relationship with your family isn't the best and it's hard during christmas 😔 he makes sure to give you lots and lots of extra love, not bringing anything up or asking about any touchy subjects he just lets you know he's there for you if you need anything 😔 he makes sure your day together is relaxing and stress free and all you do is sit around together watching movies and eating little Christmas treats 😔 and maybe something little happens like you get a text from a family member or something that just upsets you and you're trying to keep it together saying "it's fine, it's no big deal" and he's all "it's okay if you're not fine" and that's enough to have you crying 😔 he gives you such a big hug and you're all "I'm sorry I'm ruining our day" and he shushes you so gently saying "you're not ruining anything, you could never ruin anything" and he holds you until you're feeling better 😔 then he gives you a kiss on your forehead and says "my pretty girl, I love you so much" and you smile through the leftover tears saying "i don't think I look too pretty right now" but he shakes his head and says "you look pretty always, i promise" 😔😔😔😔😔😔😔

thinking about having a young daughter from before you met harry, and by Christmas you're really close so he has lots of sleepovers at your house. that morning she comes running in saying "ITS CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY WAKE UP ITS TIME FOR PRESENTS!!!!!" and he's laughing and scooping her up and putting her on the bed between the two of you 🥹 she would be giggling and trying to push him away so you can get up but he just hugs her and puts his head on her shoulder pretending to snore 🥹 she's all "haaaaaarry no sleeping it's time to wake up 😤" and you're so happy seeing how close they've gotten 🥹 when she finally pulls the two of you out of bed she's so excited to give him his presents the two of you picked out and she would say "THIS one i picked out all by myself 😁" amd he would be all "no way, you didn't!" he's just so good with her 🥹

I just need harry to hold me while I cry 😔 he comes home from work to find you laying in bed all wrapped up in blankets with tears on your face 😔 he quickly puts it together that you had therapy early that day and it must have been a rough session, so he doesn't say anything he just climbs in behind you and wraps his arms around you 😔 he presses a kiss to the top of your head and gently turns you so you can hear his heartbeat since he knows that always calms you down 😔 after a little while he can feel you start to breathe faster and soon it's a little too fast and he can tell you're freaking out a bit, so he just keeps taking deep steady breaths and he says "you're alright, i know it's hard but you're safe and I'm right here" and he stays calm because he knows it's what you need 😔 when you start to breathe slower again and the tears are coming a little slower he says "want to tell me about it?" and you're quiet for a minute before you say "I'm just really hurting" and he hugs you a little tighter 😔 he says "I know, sweet girl, and I'm so sorry" and he would hold you for as long as you need ,😔 making sure that you know you're safe and he's there for anything you need 😔

angel being kind of stressed on her and Harry's first Christmas together bc she's not sure what to get him 😔 she knows he says he doesn't want anything and he'll be so happy with whatever she gets but she can't help but be a little worried 😔 she's never seen Christmas as a day to spend time with family and feel loved, it's always been a stressful experience with judgey family members so she's really anxious to get the perfect gift for him 😔 then on Christmas morning when she wakes up with harry he would be so sweet saying "good morning pretty girl" and cuddling her closer bc it's cold in their room 😔 and right away she's a little worried about the presents but she doesn't say anything not wanting to ruin the mood 😔 when they finally go out to the tree and get all the presents sorted she would be so nervous saying "i really wasn't sure what to get you, I had some trouble picking things but I think-" and he cuts her off to say "none of that, I'm going to love everything you got me, i promise" and she still looks a little nervous so he gives her a kiss and murmurs "there's nothing to worry about, it's a happy day, hm?" nudging his nose against hers 😔 and he would be so so happy about every gift she got him, he can tell she put so much thought into each and every one 😔 he makes sure to let her know how happy he is with all the gifts and how much he loves her 😔 later she tells him this is definitely the best Christmas she's ever had 😔🤕

okay im so sorry in advance this is disgusting but I just have to get this off my chest... aster would ask angel to h*mp a pillow while he watches 🤕 she's been whiny and needy all day and he loves it so he's been so mean doing little things to rile her up, giving her little touches and kisses but never acknowledging how she's basically begging with her eyes 🤕 instead he's all "give me a kiss sweet girl :)" giving her the tiniest little kiss on the corner of her lips or her cheek and never what she really wants 🤕 so by the end of the day she's an absolute mess for wanting him so bad 🤕 and he knows she's shy about initiating so he's usually not tooooo mean but sometimes it's just so fun he can't help it 🤕 so he comes to bed acting like he's ready to sleep, doing a big stretch and yawning and ignoring the way she's looking at him like 🥺🤕 then he says "I'm all done if you need to brush your teeth and stuff" and she doesn't respond, finally he looks up and he's all sweet saying "what's the matter precious?" and she's so frustrated she could cry �� she says "you're- why are you doing this???" and he's pretending he has no idea what she means, he's all "doing what?" and she gets all huffy saying "you know what! all day you've been- ignoring me and not giving me what I want" and she knows she sounds so spoiled but she doesn't care 🤕 he says "what do you mean? I've been sweet to you today don't you think?" and finally she catches on that he's playing with her 🤕 there's such an evil glint in his eye but it's making her a little 🤕 so she decides to go along and see how far he'll go 🤕 she says "you've been being so gentle but I just want you to touch me" and her voice is so whiny at the end 🤕 he has a little smirk and he says "oh really? poor thing, should have told me earlier... I'm a bit too tired now" and she's all 😟 bc he's so mean 🤕 they both know he's playing and if she wasn't okay with it she'd speak up, but she's still so needy so she just says "well i need you, what am i supposed to do🤕" and he only smirks more 🤕 he says "I think I'm too tired to help you out, but i have an idea for you" and at this point she'll do anything so she nods, and he tips his head towards one of the smaller pillows they always throw off the bed while they're sleeping 🤕 she doesn't get what he means at first, so he picks it up and hands it to her 🤕 she's looking at him like ???? so he very gently moves her legs and places the pillow between them, just barely pressing against her covered clit so she'll get the hint 🤕 she's looking at him like 😧 and he can't help but smirk, he says "what do you think? want to be so sweet to me and try it?" and she's so shy basically whispering "I can't do that" and he's so smirky saying "oh yeah? why not?" and she says "it's dirty" and he says "wouldn't be the first dirty thing you've ever done for me, hm?" and she still looks so unsure so he gets all soft again saying "you know I'm just teasing, right? if you're not okay with this you don't have to at all, I'll give my sweet girl anything she wants" and she's a little hesitant but also she can feel how wet she is and she has to admit she's getting wet at the thought of this 🤕

so she nods and says "I know, i think... I think i want to" and he furrows his brows a tiny bit saying "I don't want to do anything you don't like, so maybe let's save this for a different night-" and she cuts him off to say she wants to try 🤕 then she says "you're just- you're not allowed to make fun of me" and he's all "i would never make fun of you..." then he leans closer so he can whisper "at least, not in a way that doesn't make you soak through your panties" and she's blushing so hard it huuurts 🤕 he leans a little closer bc he knows she likes it when he crowds her a little bit and he presses gentle little kisses along her jaw where it's sensitive 🤕 then he kisses right under her ear and whispers "want you to make yourself cum" and before she can even gasp he catches her lips in a kiss 🤕 he knows she always gets needy when they kiss so it's no surprise when he can feel her hips starting to rock so gently against the pillow and he smiles against her lips 🤕 soon she's so distracted she can barely even kiss him back so he's mostly just kissing on her upper lip while she whines 🤕 he has his arms wrapped around her and one of his hands on the back of her head so he's really surrounding her, and he's all she can feel and see and smell and think about all while she's feeling so so good and it's just so 🤕🤕🤕🤕 soon he can hear her little noises getting louder and she's pressing against the pillow more and he knows she's about to cum so he just has to tease her a little more, he murmurs "close already, baby? didn't take much hm?" and she has her face tucked in his shoulder but he knows she's blushing 🤕 he says "that's okay, I knew it would feel so good for my sweet girl" and he puts his hands on her hips to help her keep her rhythm 🤕 soon she's stuttering and she says "I'm close, I'm going to-" and he smiles saying "I know sweet girl, want you to cum whenever you're ready" and it's only a few more seconds before she's tensing up in his arms and gasping out his name 🤕 since she's already kind of in his arms she would just collapse on top of him, breathing so fast and trying to feel normal again 🤕 he would reach to move the pillow, maybe accidentally brushing it against where she's so sensitive and she lets out a little whine, he would pout and say "I know, I know, I'm sorry" and pull it away from her more gently before he throws it off the bed🤕 she's still breathing so fast against his neck and he has his arms around her, holding her how he knows she needs and doing everything to help her come down 🤕 finally when she's feeling a little more normal she would say "I was right, that was embarrassing" against his chest, and he laughs bc he knows she loved every second and he would say "well then, it's a good thing you like it when i embarrass you, hm?" and kiss her forehead 🤕

stop I can see him always being all "yeah precious girl? is it just feeling so good?" and all she can do is let out little whimpers and squirm when his fingers reach down to rub at her clit 🤕 but he would be so mean saying "hm? can't hear you, need you to use your words baby" and he would keep her right there on the edge driving her absolutely insane, being so mean even as he talks so sweetly to her 🤕 he would talk so gently and act like he's not keeping her from cumming, saying stuff like "what's the matter sweet girl? can't give you what you want until you tell me" and he would pout at her when that only makes her whine more 🤕

not to romanticize this blizzard rn but I'm thinking about being snowed in with harry 😔 he convinced you to stay with him knowing you might be stuck at home for a few days and you went grocery shopping together to stock up on all the necessities 😔 making sure you have lots of snacks and drinks and he would probably want to buy some matching pajama sets too 😔 you're cuddled up on his couch together watching a movie and sipping some hot cocoa, checking on the storm every so often and he's all "hmmm seems like it's gonna be pretty bad i think you might have to stay even longer than you thought😁" and he's just so cute 😔 maybe later that night the power goes out and you're a little freaked out but he's all "it's okay, it'll come back soon and we have enough snacks to last us for weeks" and also he's very excited to be able to cuddle you to keep you warm 😌 and ofc he's very down to find alternative ways to keep you warm and make sure you're not bored 😌

when it's been a while since you've been together he would be trying so hard to keep from cumming fast and after he makes you cum at least twice and you're saying "it's okay, I want you to feel good too" and he would be gripping your hips to try and control himself when he grits out "it's going to be a lot, I'm sorry but it's- there might be a lot" and you whisper "that's okay" and lean up to kiss his ear and that's all it takes before he's crying out and cumming in you 🤕

I can see harry being all "baby it's cold outside" obvi without the creepy stuff just how he would beg you to stay 🥹 you're saying "I probably should go, it's late..." and he says "no I think you should just sleep over tonight 😁" and you're laughing saying "i haven't been home in 3 days, my neighbors are going to think I died" and he says "they'll understand 😁" as he kisses at your cheeks 🥹 you say "I don't know..." really just teasing to get him all worked up but he keeps giving you kisses and saying "it's snowing so much... it's so windy... you'll be cold.... I know you hate being cold..." doing the absolute most to get you to stay 🥹 and you say "hmmm but I have a certain someone who would go start my car for me wouldn't he?" and he pouts saying "maybe... but it would still be cold when you're walking out there" giving you his best puppy dog eyes 🥹 and you're still acting all unconvinced until he says in between kisses "you know I'll keep you warm all night... I'll cuddle you so close and I'll make you breakfast in the morning, and tomorrow we can do whatever you want" and finally you say "I guess I can stay... all those perks are hard to say no to" and you both knew you were going to agree all along but he looks so happy 🥹

think about how much harry would love it when you get all whiny for him 🤕 he would pout at you and say "is it just feeling so good for my sweet girl?" and all you can do is whine 🤕 he's so cocky bc he knows you're so out of it you can't say anything but he likes to tease and make you even more whiny 🤕

no he's such a tease always 🤕 saying "how come you're so worked up baby? I've barely even done anything, what's the matter sweet girl 😟" as he's edging her into next week 🤕 and i think he would definitely try to talk to her while his fingers are literally inside 🤕 making her cut herself off with little gasps and whimpers bc it feels so good 🤕but he would just say "what's that? keep taking love, I didn't ask you to stop" 🤕🤕🤕🤕🤕🤕

just think about his big arms holding you down while he coos so sweetly and tells you how good you're being 🤕 there's a few little tears in your eyes because he's making you feel so so good but he would wipe them away so gently and say "my sweet girl, doing so so good for me precious" 🤕 as he fucks you deeper and makes you see stars 🤕

#harry styles x reader #harry styles x you #harry styles/reader #harry styles/you #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles #harry concept #harry styles blurb #harry styles x y/n #harry styles imagine

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agirlneedsgoals · 1 year

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State of the Me: Boo Hoo Sad Panda Edition

Hi. I still haven't been around, sorry. I'mma cut this so people can scroll past. 😘

I'm still in Sad Panda Land, hence the not being around. It's just getting worse in a lot of ways. I'm isolating even more. I've dropped email entirely (Google says my account's almost full; that's a lot of emails). I'm starting to wobble on Instagram. Idk, I'm not great at social media anyway. I post but I can't keep up with so many people. Friends I was in regular contact with a year ago are occasional texts now.

My anxiety has been off the charts in fun and interesting ways. I've been biting my hands, wrists, and forearms when I'm distracted. I wouldn't call it self harm but I've fucked them up pretty bad. Only drawn blood once...on my wrist...next to a vein...right over a tendon....because I'm stupid occasionally, fuck. But it looks like I've been both mauled and burned. Why burned? Idk, I'd like to know that, too. My skin is reacting weirdly.

I have a ton more chewlry than I used to but it's not the same and I don't even notice when I'm doing it so it's hard to switch to the chew toys. Also, I chew A LOT more with the chewlry in my mouth. And HARDER. Like aggressively hard. It was starting to hurt my jaw and teeth. And I keep taking bites out of them and killing them.

I realized the other day that this biting thing started LAST SUMMER. And other anxiety things (pulling my hair (not out, just yanking on it), drinking angry water/soda excessively, making my room even darker and more enclosed than normal and refusing to leave it, refusing to leave the house for weeks at a time, weird rhythmic movements) had started BEFORE that, so no wonder I couldn't figure out a trigger.

Everything is worse. I'm sadder, I'm sicker. I feel trapped and like I'm giving up even though there's a part of me that's screaming for me to do something.

Not to say I'm dying or anything. No I'll just be this hollow shell person for years and years and years.

I'm reading an insane amount but it's all brain candy trash romance novels. I'm learning a lot about the different subgenres. I'm intending to write one but my writing has also stopped for the moment. All the ideas, but no work on them. At least I'm still having ideas? 🎉

I'm TRYING. I just feel...trapped. Stuck in some sticky goo like a roach in a roach motel. I keep asking for help (figuratively and literally) but what are people supposed to do, really?

I'm not sure I'm medicated well anymore. My original goal with medication was to control my anger and we've done that. But I'm so sad and so anxious and so frozen all the time. I don't have Executive Dysfunction, I AM Executive Dysfunction.

Maybe I need a new therapist. I love Theresa but even when I manage to say something real, I feel like she doesn't understand the implications.

I don't knowwwww. Everything is hard. Everything feels insurmountable. I feel like I'll spend the rest of my life in my little cocoon, escaping into books while I wither away. I'm having stretches of apathy that are scary blank. I don't want to stop caring. I can't stop caring.

Hand staple forehead. Such spectacle, very drama.

#state of the me #depression #sad panda #mine

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thepolyamorouspolymath · 2 years

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So M2...

He's great. Really great. He's a good guy. He went through some struggles and changed his life around and became a therapist and turns out he doesn't take insurance -- originally I told him he was an ass expecting people to pay out of pocket. Nope, he has a sliding scale as low as $25 an hour. And his clients can text or call if ever they need on his private cell.

He adores his daughters. He so good with animals he has the two best cats I've ever seen. He plans fun nights out and cooks delicious dinners in. He has good media taste. The sex is good. He is gainfully employed, he has a car, his apartment is so shocklying beautiful (the apartment, he has no furnishings lol... my eyeballs itch to fill the space all the time because it's just got such great architecture and I'm a sucker for architecture.)

He's open and honest... I think. I mean, I always worried he's just being polite, like me coming over was because we can't come to my place and me sleeping over was just to be polite. Especially the second time because at like midnight or one he said how he could have called me an Uber any time if I didn't want to stay.

He says in like 3.5 years I'm only the third woman he's let into his apartment and the first he's slept next to in years. He said he just felt comfortable with me -- my head doesn't even hurt his shoulder like usual.

He made an off hand comment how Boy Thing would probably love his girls -- I had said how he wanted to steal the cats and no, I do not think either of us were thinking of them meeting, just the fact that it's even occurring to him struck me. (No one meets the girls, which is kinda my policy too since... well, you all know when.)

He asked me after I slept over the second night why I hadn't brought my meds and I said it seemed presumptive to bring overnight stuff (especially because he had an importabt day the next day), and he said if we were near his place he was assuming I was staying over, unless he specifically said so. So to see if he just meant toss my meds in my purse or full overnight bag, I mentioned buying a travel set for shampoo and stuff, and he seemed approving.

So far the downsides are he isolates when he's upset about something unrelated to me and he snores. (I never list sex drive as a downside unless it's like never, because expecting anyone to keep up with me is unreasonable and it's not like I'm not satisfied and he's happy to get me off evened if he's not in the mood, so yeah... even the not perfect is still pretty damn close.)

And the thing is...

He's too good for me. He went to great schools and a great education -- I slacked my way through something I wasn't that into just to be mildly employable. He makes a ridiculous amount of money, I will never, because I just don't care enough for that level of work. He's smarter than me, which is something I don't generally encounter in the wild. I've even gained weight so I don't even bring decoration to this partnership.

I just feel so incredibly self conscious and insecure because I feel like I'm just waiting for him to realize it. And if he did have one actual flaw, he's pretty slow on the commitment front, which isn't bad, but I'm not really sure where I stand -- I tend to know, if not how serious I'll be, how serious I COULD be with someone. And I don't know what he thinks or feels.

And I can't expect everybody to announce every feeling or thought. That's not fair and I know that.

It's just... scary. I don't do vulnerable well. I don't like games or believe in then but I generally like to know I don't have the losing hand even if there isn't an upper one. And here I just feel lost.

#m2 #dating #emotionally vulnerable #relationship #im not crying youre crying #(important to note: one solitary tear trailed not actually crying for realsies)

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canongf-archive · 2 years

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i'm sorry that you had to deal with that awful anon :( but i am selfishly thankful that i came across your response because i feel similarly attached to fictional characters and regularly wonder if it's healthy like the anon asked, sometimes i try to shut it off and exactly what you described happens. i think it was the reason why i had been feeling so numb in the last few days, because i had been shutting those feelings off. i'm going to read your post several times over because it made me feel like it's okay to just feel my feelings and explore them in a safe space (wording it like that, it sounds genuinely silly to have ever thought it wasn't healthy, doesn't it?) sorry again that you had to deal with that, you are such a wonderful person with so much love to give and eddie is a really lucky guy to have you! i sincerely hope you have the best possible day, week, year...

💗 anon. i love u, i love u, i love u. 💗

i wasn't going to respond to it!!! i know that i don't owe anyone an explanation or justification and i was going to let it go. but i also know that i am not alone in this world!!! i know that i am not alone in the way that i feel and the way that i connect and the way that i love and i want so desperately for other people to know that they are not alone either!!! i am here!!! we are here together!!! so i wrote up that post and i crossed my fingers that it would be well received, even if i knew it wasn't the end of the world if it wasn't. but then!!! you found it!!! maybe you were supposed to find it!!!

it is okay to feel your feelings and explore them in a safe place!!! it's more than okay!!! we have our feelings for a reason. even if they're negative or disproportionate to the situation or whatever, they are there to tell us something. and it's our responsibility to listen!!!

i've been talking to my therapist about this a lot lately. sometimes big feelings can be scary and inconvenient, so we run from them. or at least i do! i'll look at anger and fear and sadness and even love, sometimes! and i'll say "i don't want to feel this right now," and i'll try to push it out. but anger and fear and sadness and love are not the enemy. they are my allies. they are trying to protect me and they are trying to give me what i need. even if it's wrong. i'm getting better at welcoming them in and letting them stay for a while so that i can learn.

and i think self shipping is perfect for this, because sometimes these feelings are easier to talk to and sit with when they have a name and a face.

and truth be told! anything can be unhealthy! too much of anything can be bad, a negative relationship with anything can be bad, and self shipping is no exception. but that doesn't mean that it's always bad! self shipping has been incredible for me and my self esteem and i know i am not the only person with this kind of experience! it's just about each person finding what works for them! and even if it does turn bad, even if someone loses their job and their relationships because they're so deeply engrossed in their fictional world, that's not a moral failing on the person. that's just a sign of something else that deserves to be acknowledged and taken care of.

anyway!!! this is just a very long way of me saying. you're not alone, not by a long shot. we are here together. there is nothing wrong with you for giving yourself the chance to feel what you need to feel, whatever that may be and however that may look like. i hope that you let these emotions in and you sit with them and i hope that they help you understand yourself better. you are doing so good.

i am so grateful for you. thank you so much for being here and treating me with such kindness and thank you for being one of the reasons why i'm not alone too. 💗💗💗

#this got rlly long i'm sorry!!!#i just like to talk and i had things i needed to tell u!!!#i'm sending u a hug. i hope u get it. i hope u know how much i care abt u.#sweetness.ask #advice.ask #eddie.ask #anon #long post

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s1l4s-l1k3s-t0m4t03s · 10 days

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tw: ana, body shaming, body dysmorphia

this is kinda long so I totally understand if you don't want to read it :]

I think I might be developing ana

I'm really scared and I'm scared to tell my therapist or my parents because I'm worried they'll make me go to the mental hospital

my friends know and now at lunch or any time we eat together I can feel them looking at me and sometimes they ask me if I feel okay enough to eat which I can't stand

them drawing focus to food makes it so much harder to eat, it's so much easier when no one's paying attention to me

eating around people makes me extremely anxious and now I kinda regret telling my friends about this because now I just feel like they're pitying me every time we eat

I hate that I love the feeling of being hungry

I hate that I love how lightheaded and weak I feel after not having eaten anything all day

I hate how I hate my skinny body but I hate the idea of gaining weight even though I KNOW there's absolutely nothing wrong with it

I hate how difficult it is to find a chest binder that's small enough for me

I can't stand how many people think it's okay to comment on my body

I wear baggy clothes because I hate when people comment that I need to eat more after seeing how bony I am

I'm naturally skinny too, so I've heard this shit all my life "you need to eat more, you're too skinny" okay well how about fuck you for making me feel like shit about my perfectly healthy body

I think those comments are why I'm so anxious to eat around other people

I wish I could just be a normal teenager and eat more than 10 bites of plain pasta around my friends at lunch

with my body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria it's so hard to like the way I look

the only thing I like about the way I look is my hair (I have bright pink hair) but even still one of my friends always tells me how much she dislikes it and wishes I had brown hair because she never saw me with natural hair

and I have a feeling the guys in my grade think it's weird and I'm weird (that sterotypical emo kid with the emo haircut who uses he/they pronouns but wears skirts sometimes and has pink hair so obviously that just means they're a girl who's doing it for attention)

anyways sorry for the really long vent and thanks for actually listening to me if you made it this far. I hope things get better for you bc I know we're both just strangers on the internet but I really sincerely think that things will get better for you.

I'll end it lighter by asking: what's your favorite PTV song? I really love Stained Glass Eyes And Colorful Tears and Besitos :3

hii!! im so so sorry your dealing with that. by the soundd of it, your developing ed behaviours, if not, an ed. i understand the trans thing, about dressing or looking not stereotypically like a male/masc person yet still identifying as one. there is no right way to trans. your doing it right, your perfectly valif no matter how you look or whether you pass or not. people that point out your appearance are purely insecurr within themselves. you dont ever see secure people bullyinh do you??

with the eating thjng. they cant send you to a m3ntal h○spital unless you are a danger to somebody or yourself. if you are ☆ving yourself, there is a slihht chsnce you coukd get sent there. i would recommrned sayinh you are thinking of doing it, or beginnjng to develop so you can still get help, but not sent away.

if you dont feel comfortable eating arounf people, or are worried about people drawing attention to you, id recommened either flat out saying the topic of food makes you uncomfprtable, or eating when you get home. i get that fullt, im in a weird limbo between recovering and r3lasping, i eat a bit at school and the rest/something else at home.

weight gain can be scary, yes. i get that fully, you are not alone. but it doesnt change your worth at all. your still perfectly valid and fine, it may change your appearance but it doesmt take away from you as a person.

with the bindijg, if you cant currently get a binder, you can try transtape. if you have sensory issues, theres smt cslled milk of magnesia (liquid) you can put on the skin, let it dry fullt snd then apply the tape. if your struggling with the thought of gaining weight, but also not havjng the measurements to buy a binder, you could make it a goal.

"when i get to (xyz) weight, i can get a binder".

things like thst.

other than that im in the middle of class rn so my brain is a bit blank lmaoo

im very proud of you for venting dude, im so so sorry your exeperiencing this. try to get help, snd get out of ana as soon as possible if you can. itll mess you up for ljfe and you dont deserve thay.

my fav ptv song is today i saw the whole world (acousric ver) :) <3

edit:i would like to add, you dont need to change. even if you eat more and dont gain weight, thats perfectly fine. aim to be healthy,not to look a certain way or to be a certain weight :3 you do not ever need to change for somebody else

#silas tag!#thanks anon!#anon tag

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fakevariety · 2 months

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this day was fine until i got home and had a therapy appointment and my therapist decided that she would sit my mom and i down and go through the results of some tests i did for depression and anxiety which i immediately did not like, i didn't really want to deal with my mom's reaction (the results werent even bad, i just didn't know if she would overreact) and she went through these tests that i thought would be CONFIDENTIAL and read them out and was like "so yeah i think sophie has depresson and anxiety" like no shit and then she was like "let's look through some individual answers and see how you're feeling now" and then i had to explain that i feel better than i was a month ago but my mom didn't believe me so i had to explain to her that these tests didn't ask me how often i felt happy and luckily she understood and then my therapist was like "ok so i think we should start doing weekly appointments instead of every two weeks" and asked me if that was ok and i REALLY did not want to do that but it's so fucking scary to say no i'm always afraid of hurting peoples' feelings even my fucking therapist and i got so choked up because being scared to say no to her reminded me of being scared of anyone getting mad at me because i'm scared that if people get mad at me they will leave me and then i couldn't fucking answer her question and i was trying not to cry but i was very obviously crying and there was this huge silence and then i whispered to my mom if i could go to the bathroom and then i just sobbed in the bathroom and wanted to fucking punch the mirror because i hate my face and the floor was too warm on my bare feet and i wanted to punch something and it was too much and then i had to go back into the room and luckily my mom explained to my therapist that she thinks we should first work on motivating me to actually want to work on my mental health which i completely agree with but i'm also dreading because i am such a fucking awful person that i don't want to get better because i kind of like the attention i get when people are worried about me and it makes me feel special and makes me feel like people care about me and i'm so scared that one day that feeling will take over me and i'll start manipulating people and i'm so scared that my friends will realize how fucked up i am and will leave me and then after the appointment i cried to my mom which only made my headache worse and then my dad was in a terrible mood and took it out on me and i just couldn't fucking handle it and i feel so sick and i have a headache and i don't fucking want to go to fucking school tomorrow i just know this headache will be terrible and i don't know what to do because my parents never believe me because i always feel sick like all the time and i'm such a fucking brat why can't i just be grateful for what i have i should be fucking glad that my mental health is getting better why do i want it to get worse why do i fucking like it i hate this i hate myself for this and i don't think i'll ever change and i can never tell my friends what i did because they'll fucking hate me for it and leave me because they should because i'm fucked up and sometimes it's too much but genuinely my mental health is the best it's been in a year but still a bit fucked yk who ever knows what's going on not me hahhhhhaaaaa.

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emptymanuscript · 3 months

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youtube

How I Found Out I Had DID

Because EMDR keeps being a very weird experience, I'm looking around this afternoon to try and find if there is any such thing as a non-dissociative Identity Disorder.

Because I am still pretty damn sure I do NOT have DID. I've seen essetially 0 signs of it besides for some of my parts being a bit more individuated than might be average as far as I can tell. But... as I said, EMDR is being intensely weird. Not bad. So far I would actually say it is pretty good. Scary but good. Certainly way better than the Ketamine treatments, which strangely feel like the closest experience I've had to it, even though they've been totally different. ...Closest doesn't mean close. 1 million is the closest to 1 out of the choices of 1 million, 1 billion, and 1 trillion. So... you know... there it is.

My google foo has failed me so far.

But then I hit this video...

And her talking about Mistletoe... <_< ... like... my favorite part has wings and claws. And yeah, I absolutely do feel that. She lives on my back, I feel her all the time.

Not about her, I'm happy about her. Like, the joke about having a friend around all the time, yeah, my favorite part is like that. I actually feel a little bad bad - which she says to shut up with that about XD - about how much emotional support work she does for me. She IS my constant companion and is kinda my imaginary friend in my head who is not only always there for emotional supoort but also will actively stick her head forward to give emotional support whether I want any or ask for any or not. She's fairly intensely sentient. Like, I know I'm imagining her but she's so very real. Like, some little part of my mind - she wants me to know that she is very much NOT little, thank you very much, XD, not even any part of her - but some fragment of my brain is sort of dedicated to being her and running her independently from... the main program for lack of a better word.

But what the system in the video is saying about the feeling of the wings and the physical feeling of discomfort and... just all of it... yeah, that rings a bell loud and clear. That's harmonizes with my experience.

Which I already kind of knew.

I've used DID as a metaphor plenty when it comes to talking about how I work. But... AS A METAPHOR. Like, yes, this reflects how I feel well, so I'll do lots of parts work and fiddle with IFS and do soul collage of my parts etc. It's useful. A tool. Not diagnostic.

My trauma is so mild that I have real... like, what trauma are we talking about here? If anything I've kinda had top tier playing on easy mode born on third base life. It's part of why I have such a hard time figuring out why I have all these mental problems. Nothing happened.

But I've had three different discussions between my therapist and parts now.

Some of it feels made up. I'm a creative. I'm a storyteller. Having an amazing imagination is my FEATURE, bug isn't even under consideration. But... it also feels way more real than I'm comfortable with.

I, A, & Y have all spoken, moved, and acted very differently. I feel them differently. And not just from each other, I feel them differently from my own expectation. Like, Y almost sounded at times like she had a speech impediment. She even addressed it. She talked about having trouble being "down" in my body and using that physical space and she had difficulty with the word "difficulty." She kept stumbling over it. She had trouble speaking... when I imagine her as having this loud clear authoritative voice. Like God talking. But the words actually coming out of my mouth...

So...

Yeah...

I don't know.

I STILL don't think I have DID. I'm not sure that I have clinical anything besides depression, anxiety, and dysphoria. Which is quite enough, thank you. But personality is feeling like an increasingly accurate description of my parts :/ Y even made a point today of describing herself as a created thing vs A who was a natural thing. She said A would be there as she was whether I did anything or not but that she was there specifically because I made he up, I had simply made her up with enough of the correct stuff that she could function and grow.

They even talked about different goals in integration today :/ A said fairly specifically that she wanted integration but not unification - that we belonged together, neither of us have any desire to be without the other, for her it is about being able to go wherever we want - just very much not away from each other - so, you know, room-mates, right there, but still separate identities. While Y said she suspected that full reintegration was probably the right thing for her, so that we were unified because she isn't really meant to be separate as far as she can see.

And ALL of that is profoundly weird and uncomfortable and... I don't have DID.

And being A was kind of wonderful. Like, the total opposite experience of being Imperius. Like if I could have anything - just deleting Imperius sounds great. I am not looking forward to invoking him again, even if we're all pretty sure that integrating him is the way to go. But like, fuck. Yeah, I'd be A again. That was so cool. I have so many experiences with her now, like, yeah if that is what DID is like, I probably WOULD be happy to have it. And I can hear her in my head saying "YOU would be happy. I'm the one who has take care of you." She is only teasing but there is truth to it. She makes total and complete sense as a coping mechanism. To have just... yeah, someone you love piggybacking around and living on your back so they're always there, always a friend, always ready to give support even if she really would love a nap, please.

It's just it comes with Imperius, too. And that... I have been trying to figure out the benefit of I for years. I'm still trying to figure it out. It's like living with an abusive parent. I just lives in my body instead of in my home. We share space and neither of us wants to share at all. It's miserable. And it is not an exaggeration that we would kill each other if we could. We just can't. Or I suppose, I'm pretty sure I can't kill him. He's pretty sure he can kill me and thrive once I'm gone.

And it's just... weird. Can I fake my own DID for myself? I would say that it could be I's latest trick. He likes to lie and cheat and manipulate. But I'm pretty sure he couldn't pull off A and Y. I don't know, maybe Y for a bit. It would be hard but possible. Anima? Not a chance in hell. I don't think he could understand that well enough to fake it.

...

And that does mean personalities :/ still probably not DID. But... closer than I'm comfortable with.

I am now just... uncomfortable with it all.

I want to bury myself in research and logic.

And A and Y say pretty firmly that I should go be physical. Take a walk. Touch grass. Less braining more living. And I think I should listen to the people I love on this one.

#psychology #my brain #I'm feeling more messed up than usual right now #did #depression #edmr #therapy #fuck I dunno #Youtube

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