#i dont have a bad household. my mom is fine. its just that these things (even if its one or two quick comments) happen every time.

[autism-corner]

hey mom maybe if you werent mean about me not talking i could actually speak again <3

#(it is very rare that it happens and i am not in any way entirely nonverbal/nonspeaking etc but. it does happen.) #some times (no matter what mood im in) i dont 'feel' like talking. i just dont. it would feel wrong. if even i COULD get myself to start. #its. whatever. often enough its not while im in a bad mood so ill still try and communicate with whatever gestures i can do. #its not like i am all closed off (not that its 'bad' when i am yadayada) #i know its unusual. i get that its annoying. but I!!! am not letting that get my mood down. i try. #what is not (in any fucking way) helpful or fun at that moment. is you commenting “just speak” “its so hard like this”. #things like that do not make me want to speak more <3 #in fact they make me want to prove a point that i can be just as well off without a voice. get wrecked. #sillyposting #and genuinely there were a couple of times during dinner where i think i couldve said something! and wanted to! #but complaining about how hard this is FOR YOU. does not in fact want to make me give you that relief. #i dont have a bad household. my mom is fine. its just that these things (even if its one or two quick comments) happen every time. #and shit builds up. #=3=

[qumiiiquinnquin]

ive started to take my antidepressant again after not doing so since one day earlier this month , a very short time earlier this year , and then since last october

i think its been 4 or 5 days now that ive taken it

in comparison to other times , i strangely dont feel really exhausted...that was a side effect that was impacting me pretty bad every other time ive taken my ssri , which made my psychiatrist bring down my dose from 5mg ((a whole pill)) to 2.5mg ((half of a pill)). i havent been cutting my pills in half ((because its honestly an annoying extra step)) and have just been taking them whole ((5mg)) and oddly ive been just fine , not super tired or anything. ive actually been fairly restless when going to sleep the last few nights , not too sure why

i havent been feeling very hungry either , which was something the med helped with when i was more consistent taking it. like usual , i forget to eat until 1 or 2pm when im finally feeling hungry , but im never in the mood for any particular thing , and everything that i could eat sounds not good to me. i eat probably once or twice in a single day , sometimes three and rarely four , only eating one meal ((dinner is enforced in this household)) ((and i did eat lunch 4 times in the last two weeks!! :] )). ive actually been feeling sick when eating anything larger than a snack portion lately... no idea what my weight is but its probably lower than it should be

my med still isnt helping my anxiety , which is not a surprise. its never helped my anxiety and only my depression. i voiced this to my psychiatrist , who only gave me a “hmm , i see” in response. speaking of my depression , i cant really tell if its helping or not...it hasn't been as bad as it was before i first started taking my med for the first time , but its still...not great ((i dont have much to say here))

maybe i need to wait a while. as it turns out , im pretty sensitive to medication , and when i first started taking my antidepressant for the first time last august , it started having an effect about 5 or 6 days in - way sooner than my psychiatrist expected , as he said most ssris usually tend to start having an effect after about two weeks , sometimes three.

i finished one bottle last night and start my second one today , there's only 30 pills in each bottle so ill need a refill as soon as i come back from my mom’s.

just things i thought id detail , since i thought the lack of anything even though ive been taking my ssri for a few days now was a little strange ((and yay i guess im finally taking the medication that'll keep me from feeling like a sinking ship - i guess))

#not a vent #i take lexapro

[diobrando]

Idk how to do a read more on mobile anymore lol but uhhh idk keep scrolling since this is about my dogs

So I've got 2 senior German Shepards and their lifespan is between 10-14 years and ofc less if theyre boys (which they are) and one of my dogs is already 14 (if im remembering correctly and we got him for my uncle back in 2008) and the other dog we have no real way of knowing his age bc he was a stray that my brother forced me to take care of... it was a whole thing bc the dog wouldn't leave bc my brother kept giving him food and water and there's this ledge at the back of our property that had tons of vines and other plants ANYWAYS the point is that he would sleep there during the day and animal control never saw him when they spent 2 weeks in our neighborhood collecting the strays which my brother took as a sign to just transition the dog from there into our actually property and it was very annoying because we already had the dog my uncle no longer wanted (he originally said he'd take the dog bc his daughters agreed to help but they never did so the dog was very underweight by the time we moved into our house and my uncle saw how healthy he looked when they went to el Salvador for a month and we took him in so thats how ownership was transferred lol) but anyways I spent the first year pissed bc this dog was bigger than our first dog and he would steal his food, attack him, and ofc the cleanup was so hard bc we still hadn't covered up the dirt patches and they'd both make crazy messes... they get along fine now like they def love each other and I love them both since we've had them for so long now but they're so old... champion has his off days where he won't eat and he'll sometimes have accidents in my room (he doesn't get in trouble I know its not on purpose) and he has trouble with the steps out front and even falls into the gap between the fence :/ he's my 14 year old and he also has advanced arthritis so I try to be extra gentle and accommodating with him by buying him comfy beds and taking things extra slow and helping him get up (when possible bc I never know if he's going to bite me for it and I dont mind if he bites my hand but in some positions I just dont want to risk him feeling uncomfortable and lashing out and getting my neck or face bc god knows that would hurt a lot since both my dogs have strong bites) geez ok and ny other dog I estimate is btwn 11-13 hes so aggressive and territorial which is a major problem. He is not really allowed off the property bc I cant control him or hold him back if he lashes out (and I have been on the receiving one of his soft bites and let me tell you those things hurt so fuxking bad and it wasn't even that serious like yeah it tore the skin and I bled but it was just the surface and it was so funny bc he immediately knew he fucked up and went slack) but yeah he also has arthritis and its not as bad as my older dog but it will most likely get worse and he also has a weird growth on his chest between his 2 front paws and its like.... im already spending my money on their dog food (I wanna say roughly $60 a bag and $30 for a few packs of chicken or champion won't eat at all and this is every month) and I told my brother to consider what he wants to do with shaggy bc he is old and its most likely a tumor and idk if its gonna be worth it to spend thousands esp for him when he's the only one in his household that works and he has to support his wife, 2 kids, and the animals they have (yes my brother moved out and left me with that beast of a dog and he NEVER comes to visit them anyways so why put up a front like youre concerned... this is just like the new years eve incident when my dog ate a huge block of rat poison and I saw him finishing it and i had to immediately induce vomiting and then when he said he'd go to the vet with me he wanted me to wait 2 hours like ????? HELLO? HE ATE POISON!!! and then I had to spend the night at the ER bc my brother and mom had a stupid fight and she tried to kill herself)

so idk if it would be the right move to put them down soon or to let them die at home (probably in my room bc that is where champion spends most of his time when someone is at home) and it doesn't even matter which dog dies first (naturally it'll probably be champion) the other dog is going to be so depressed

#long post #sorry idk im not counting on anyone to read this or offer any advice either im just talk to myself bc i dont really have anyone to talk to

[onf-headcanons]

ONF MEMBERS AS YOUR SIBLING (MK & U version)

n 

OMG I AM VERY VERY LOOKING FORWARD TO WRITE THIS PART!!!!!

Either you are related from Yuto or Minkyun side and either one of them later joined the family. Confusing? OK example you are Yuto’s sibling by blood and then later Minkyun joined. Or in reversed, Yuto joined later.

1. You are the youngest sibling (could be in terms age when the family comes together or you being born later OR stand in of Yuto’s youngest sister)

2. You are the middle sibling, being either Yuto’s elder blood sibling or Minkyun’s younger sibling but is older than Yuto.

3. Or you are the eldest (Good luck if you do lol there will be a lot of face palming), and alot of  “Yuto, I thought you are on my side????”

Any scenario that is suitable to your own imagination. Also there will be some repeated ideas from first universe because i would like to keep characterization consistency.

Btw this pair of sibling would be one of the noisiest.

My recommendation, you are the middle sibling. But you can totally imagine that your are younger ones. I will try to elaborate both, I hope i won’t confuse you guys🙈

Also age recommendations, Minkyun born in 1995 while Yuto is 1999, so if you are the middle sibling, your birth year is at between.  I would prefer as 1997 or 1998. Preferable that 1997 born if you are Yuto’s sibling, while 1998 born if you are Minkyun’s. 

 If you are the youngest, either you are same age as Yuto but later birthdate or the 3rd child that born after your parents marriage, in this case, 2 years younger than Yuto and 6 years younger than Minkyun.

Heads up I mentioned in the Hyojin & E-tion household, 3 households in this universe are very close to each other.So, apologies in advance and by all means there is not explicit favoritism (I did wrote about household interacting for previous universes). It just convenient and i felt we can use it this way.  Also, Minseok is Yuto’s classmate.

General headcanons

Yuto family moved to Korea when he is still a toddler. So he speaks Korean outside and Japanese back home. Because his family speaks in Kansai dialect, Yuto picks up that dialect automatically

Of course it could be Yuto’s family moved to Korea when he is at middle school age as well, it can be flexible.

Minkyun struggling to learn Japanese but then give up. But it never stops him to randomly drops in weird Japanese when he is hyper, and then leaving Yuto （and you）facepalming because Minkyun used it wrongly

Actually even though mature but super sensitive brothers. Well in very different ways. But should you live with them long enough, you pick up that intuitively 

I dont think this family will have alot of fight because both are sensitive in nature and deeply scare to hurt each other. So this family is all about giving out mental security to family members as well.

(its very different from MInseok Yuto household, because them 2 are in same age, so there is less factor to consider, while Yuto would have to put in Minkyun being a hyung when he started to get used to Minkyun’s existence. And Minkyun will sometimes, not in a bad way, being to passionately and freeminded hoping the younger one to open up more)

I mean, Yuto is defo the tsundere one while Minkyun radiates big puppy energy for this pair chemistry.

Loud

Bonus, Yuto never knew Minkyun can be that clingy lol XD

Minkyun never knew Yuto can be such a fan towards his weird antics XD He thought Yuto wont get his joke due to cultural differences, but turns out Yuto loves it (well cause mostly is body gag/ mom gaegu, like you see what Minkyun did during his birthday’s mini game heaven in 2020, that suddenly motor engine starting? Ya that is total epic lol )

Its super harmonious? like this family combi does not shy away on expressing hey i need help and family members super volunteer to help out if needed. (not that i mean other family does not help out each other, but this one is particularly doing it with super high tendency)

Due to Japanese background, Yuto might try to settle things on his own, but Minkyun will break that mindset stereotype and helps him out (like why you think it is a hassle for me? Ask for help if needed that is what family is here for.)

Minkyun playing guitar while singing and that is how your family know if he is at home or not.

Yeap in this universe Minkyun is a songwriter while Yuto is a dance coach and dancer (later when they all grow up, BTW i am thinking that Yuto and Minseok runs a dance academy later on.)

Minkyun is also part time sponsor/volunteer at pet shelter. In the end you and Yuto also are familiar faces at the spot. 

Also, hanging out being little part timers at Baskin Robbins lol

OH IF WANNA TRULY LINK EVERYTHING FOR UNIVERSE 3, BASKIN ROBBINS being the main meetup/setup point.  Jaeyoung is Minkyun’s friend so he would always drop by to have ice cream. While Changyoon could be doing a part time job there before and while occasionally drop by when he is nearby. 

welp they all live in the neighbourhood/same city in this universe so they all coincidentally bump at each other very often.

Either Yuto joining a school dance club or a dance academy  so there is where he met Minseok. (Who is a really curious kid who also look up to Yuto and Yuto also look up to him, cos dance talents)

(for this part I wont be talking about how Minkyun snuggling cat snacks cos its repeating what I wrote.)

 Scenario 1

If you are related with Yuto and Minkyun is the new join

Could you be are extroverted and you kind off help Yuto to get close to Minkyun

You and Yuto would find this new brother fascinating. He looks quiet at the beginning but later he will prove you both wrong

But when Minkyun is his serious mode, you will feel strange towards that too, because how can he has such large gap

i thinking its super cute and funny that if you and Yuto both gets intimidated at Minkyun’s height lol

It will be fun if Yuto has a denial stage aka hard time opening up to accept it because he is cautious, but you just bluntly accept it and joins Minkyun. It shows difference between personality of related blood siblings lol

IF actually you and your blood brother are introvertedly fun, Minkyun’s existence will be the key to spark both of your dork traits. It is a assuring factor for your parents that you 3 hang out very well.

its not like your family never heard Yuto laughed, but ever since Yuto and Minkyun opened up and gets close, Yuto is laughing alot.

you and Yuto both asking MInkyun for help when you two could understand some Koreans. But since Minkyun fools around 50:50, you two ends up googling or just straight up asking your friends

But if it is homework/grammar wise, Minkyun will really really explain it to you.

Minkyun also get close towards Yuto’s classmate, Minseok. I think a few times, you did not join, but the boys went out to roam the streets to feed stray cats/animals.

Bonus if in this hc, and you are younger than Yuto, and you have a crush on Minseok. Minkyun picks it up and would wanna help out but you told him to keep still XD

you three gonna be game buddies for sure lol

Scenario 2

If you are related with Minkyun and Yuto is the new joined / OR my preference, Yuto being the home stay student, and your family ends up unofficially adopts a Japanese sibling since Yuto continues his homestay contract with your family.

You and Minkyun thought Yuto is a bit distant in the beginning, and you three overwork your brains on trying too hard not to do something impolite towards each other culture.

But you and Minkyun would be surprise at how Yuto is so adapted to Korean culture later on.

Could be you are similarly shy like Yuto and need time to open up. This time Minkyun will be the one to open up first and slowly helps you.

Minkyun would suggest 3 of you to hang out at pet shelter. It does help.s

hould it is the homestay hc, I do see your family and Yuto’s family going along very well. Occasionally showing up to greet Yuto’s family during Skype session.

As Minkyun is the one who gave up, you are the one who would pick Japanese up later on. It gave Minkyun a shock when you and Yuto casually switching Japanese and Korean (with you amateur Japanese, but its already enough to give Minkyun a fright)

He might pout a bit, thinking/semi blaming himself a bit for not putting more effort to try to manifest the tool get close with Yuto. But then will throw the worry aside because its not really that important. Because he understands that its not like he and Yuto could not communicate anyways.

if it is the student hc, This could be when you and Minkyun are still high shcool-ers/ middle school-ers. And your school opens for foreigns students.

Minkyun being a bit worried because of he is 95er and Yuto a 99er. But when one day he sees Minseok come to visit, he goes: “ OMG thank goodness, I was so worried that he could not get along with classmate.”

Yuto just sidelining his hyung lol like chill dude, I interacts just fine ok. Don’t worry. 

(maybe Minseok comes to pass homework for Yuto because Yuto was sick and Minseok know the address.)

Similar to above, should you are Minkyun’s younger sibling, he can picks up that you have a crush on Minseok too.

Scenario 3

If you are the child that born later from your parents marriage

Them both flustered when they first meet the baby you.

Idk why for this hcs, I felt that age gap will be wider, as Yuto and Minkyun’s parents come together when them both are more older than other hcs. My age range idea is Yuto is about 10 or 13 while Minkyun is 14 or 17.

So, also I do think them both had a fight with parents, especially the mom because of her decision to get pregnant at older age. But quickly reconciled, they are just worried, no bad intentions. 

Because they are more grown compared to other hcs for this scenario, they help out on babysitting even more and even practical.

Minkyun basically is just like a young flustered dad while Yuto is the calmer one. But sometimes when the baby you throws a tantrum because you specifically wanted mommy, cues in both  Minkyun and Yuto flustered.

Also, Minkyun being funny but you are unbothered, 3 seconds later, it was Yuto who could not hold in and burst out laughter. 

You might be the one who pick up the language. And because you master both language, maybe later on your career pick would be interpreter

Rather than Yuto gets confused with language, you are the one who gets confused with language  in the beginning lol

It only got better when Yuto decided that you should speak Japanese with him and Korean with Minkyun in the household.

Minkyun is gonna let his baby young sibling ride him, and he will do his iconic either elephant or horse voice imitations.

(super funny bonus, if you are scared of that when you are a baby, but it got better later on.)

A/N I will stop here because I dont wanna write repetitive stuffs

#onf #onf headcanon #onf headcanons #onf imagine #onf imagines #onf scenarios #onf scenario #sibling!au #sibling!onf #mk #u #onf mk #onf u #mizuguchi yuto #park minkyun

[readymades2002]

its a little more complicated than that i guess. it's not entirely because of me. he hasn't been socialized well and it got worse after joe died and after moving into an apartment and it is kind of important to socialize your dog in these places but we never did that. my mom made attempts but she works a lot and to be honest he is an intimidating dog so it is in fact our fault for not doing that. we shouldn't have had him to begin with and we certainly shouldn't have taken him here and we did not get a lot of say in either decision (joe got him and joe died before separating into a new household with the dog but that would've been bad and maybe worse for the dog so) but ended up here anyway

he's very edgy around people but my mom says she's made improvement with him (before this, obviously) and i dont know how much of that is optimism and how much is sincere because he and i get along badly. im edgy around people and we feed off each other. i don't think he'd be as aggressive if it wasn't for me. he's worse because of me and i'm not strong enough to handle it and so. um.

mom contacted a behavior specialist but i don't know if it will matter because he is scary and everyone is scared of him except us and going "well he's a sweet dog to US and when he's not SURPRISED by people he doesn't bite them he’s just loud!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (that was what happened, someone hopped the fence with him while i was taking him out and i was at the top of a slippery hill with bad grip so he got startled and took off for them and i couldn't stop him, her mom was more pissed than she was but that's obviously justified, a dog bit her daughter, and while her daughter was trying to be cool about it and wasted her precious energy AFTER BEING BIT trying to tell me it was fine and she'd had worse and here are some tips for reeling your dog back in but like. it obviously hurt and she shouldn't have had to bother) because like. he is a sweet dog to us. he is so sweet and cuddly it is annoying at times. but like. we live around so many people and keep him isolated out of fear and its clearly not good for anyone. i mean its like. i dont blame anyone wanting him put down i guess is the point, i understand, i think they are objectively correct and even if by some fucking miracle he goes through behavioral training and improves it still shouldve happened sooner and didnt because of time/money not allowing it and frankly without those things we shouldn't have kept him with us and only did because. he is a dog our dead dad gave us five and a half years ago and we got attached lol. so

its like. um. it felt like this was going to end up happening eventually and its entirely our fault (and my fault for making him even worse around even the idea of people) and im just uh. you know. you know. i keep thinking he wouldn't have done this if my mom had taken him, and she asked before i took him out if she should, and i said no because taking the dogs out is one of the only fucking things im good for and im not even good at it and, in fact, BAD because it directly led to someone getting hurt and a dog probably being killed, and now the only responsibility anyone will trust me with is haunted by "if i had just taken him out instead this wouldn't have happened" and its like instead of puttingthe dog down i think they should have me put down since i won't do it myself because im spineless and it's better for everyone that way. that i dont play like i can be around people or do things when it leads to this.

um. i don't know. i don't know what to say about it really. i mean i did talk anyway but it's like. entirely our fault and my fault and if he does get put down which i really should just say he is because i don't really see a way out of this then it's the safer thing to do and besides that we cannot fucking get evicted so. im just dealing with it i guess. the consequences. im not used to thinking anything is real in that way so its um. teehee. im really fucking upset with myself, is essentially, kind of where im at, no matter what else goes into it i really wish id just. done anything else.literally anything else

#animal death -

[2021ssajka]

This month has been very challenging for me. (personal post below, you can read it)

From having plans to go back to the Philippines, to cancelling that plans all together. I initially wanted to go to the PH because I wanted this to be my gift for myself as I am graduating with 2 majors. I wanted to visit my family there and spend time with them, as well as my dad (sick). 

My dad and I dont have the best relationship, so it has been even more challenging for me. 

Ive been in America for 10 years now and this whole time Ive always wanted to go back and be with my family there since I love them very much and they are a big part of my life. Ive always imagined a nice vacation and going on trips with my cousins. Painting in my little terrace of my childhood home. basically reliving my old life when I was 12. I still kept that dream till now.

I am only now realizing that, that perception of the Philippines I had in my head is still the vision I had when I was 12. I am realizing now that its a fantasy and not the reality. 

------

This planning process for the Philippines was super last minute and impulsive, given the pandemic and me finding out my dads condition is not getting better. I booked a flight right away without any plans whatsoever. I was hoping it would be a spontaneous time where my family would bring me around to places and etc. I was even just fine with just staying home and just being in the company of my cousins that I missed so much. 

Everyday since I booked that flight, there were complications and drama rising. My dad has becoming paranoid and his narcissistic ways are coming back and has been triggering me. We have been fighting a lot since then which turned into getting more people involved with this fight. Resulted with me having a major panic attack and meltdown that I do not want to go at all. 

All the bad memories I had of him in my childhood came back. Everything was coming back to me- everything that I have burned at the back of my head and forgot about. I thought time has healed me but I was wrong. my past trauma came back and I felt like I was stuck into this trip without knowing what I signed up for.

I was not okay for many days. I felt like I was a helpless child he were able to control, manipulate and emotionally/mentally abuse again. I kept praying.

It was then that the Philippines announced that there were implying a travel ban on the day I booked a flight. I felt that this was God’s interfering in order to protect me from him

--------

This has been an eye opening experience for me. 

Growing up in a traumatic household and moving to another country made me deal with things differently. I realized that me being overly positive and optimistic and being grateful for everything is a trauma response. Its a survival response. 

At a young age, My body did not know how to process these traumatic events and emotions so I shutdown. Its like when you have an accident and your body go on emergency mode and you wont feel the pain. I think that is what my body went through. I remember a time when I was a kid and I was numb for a year. It was through art when I tried healing myself and holding on for hope. 

for a long time- till now, everytime those events in my childhood are being talked about, i literally have a panic attack and I shut down. I cannot listen to it or talk about it without crying. 

When I moved here. I started a new life. I had a clean slate and I tried to forget everything bad that has happened. Its like I cleared out all the bad memories and held onto the good things, thats why I had such a fixation in my childhood in the Philippines because after a while, I only believed that I had a good childhood there. (i didnt have a right grasp of my real past). This also explains the reason why I wanted to visit that place so bad- bc i can only remember the good things, and I had a breakdown when my bad past caught up to me because that no longer existed in my head. 

This explains my fixation in my memories of the Philippines in my art work and why I use happy colors. I only saw that place as the “good place” when in reality there are many bad things happening in that country (not only in my personal life). 

ive only realized these things now... 10 years later when everything came back to me as flashbacks when my trauma was triggered. and it explains everything in my life especially in my artworks. it explains why I do what I do and I have such empathy for myself because I realize that the artist in me is the kid in me 10 years ago. 

-----

I realized that when I moved here, I viewed the Philippines as my ESCAPE. my safe haven, the place I would want to go back to and retire to since this was my home at the age of 14. I had such yearning for that familiarity when I was living in a foreign place that I developed such fantasy in that place.

I started painting when I was dealing through traumatic events in the Philippines, just when I was about to move here. I used to paint encouraging words in my art, having it as my sense of hope in those challenging times. 

I guess that still lives on in my today. I still use my art as my sense of escape and I am only realizing that now. I have always mentioned that these landscapes are my “safe haven” and now I understand why. Ive always referred to my art as a “healing act” but i never really understood why. 

I realized that my view of the Philippines is different from reality. I made this to be a romanticized place where I had a nice childhood in but that was not the whole story. 

------

This is why it is so hard for me to reference anything negative in my work. Ive always used my art as a positive act, to bring hope and encouragement. I still stand with that. I still resonate with my work and it is still valid. but now I see my work as two sided. Its not only that narrative but also the past that I have forgotten about. 

I have always had trouble with my art classes because teachers would always push me to do negative emotions in my work- so not just positive but also the negative aspect of the full spectrum of emotions.

This has always been a difficult task for me because I dont want that. My body rejects it. I used art to heal and they would want me to express the nasty emotions here. now I understand why I react that way. 

My mother is also a trauma survivor of my dad. So her, my sister and I share these experiences together. This also comes from an immigrant narrative who had nothing on her back when she came to this country, literally building herself up from dirt. My mom is the one who would always teach me to be grateful, to appreciate what we have and to be positive- to the point that thats all I did. to the point that it buried all the negative emotions and memories that I was not able to heal completely and is now still in that place. 

--------

its a lot. its like I just found out a different past that I never knew of. but im so glad I figured this out now. Its like I finally have an explanation why I am who I am today. Everything is valid, there is a reason why dealt with that problem that way and I dont regret it. 

Im just so glad I finally have answers. It just explains so much and im mindblown lol

I am not comfortable having this as a narrative of my work even if it is probably the main influence of the work i do. Im also not comfortable of talking about this personal story with other people and in my work. 

I just refuse being an abuse survivor as my story... I am more than what I have been through... so im trying to figure that out.

I am now trying to know myself again, my full self. 

Im excited to see how this changes my work hehe

[scp-4092]

Ima just post a lil vent (sorry if its long hnng i dont have really anyone to talk ro about stuff

Latelys been like hell. From bein metally abused to seeing loved ones being treated the same way. Since 3 years ago just about i was taken from my fathers side of the family with my mother, grandmother , and little sister. Since then ive just been having alot of change in my state of mind , from being irritated, having bad depression and anxiety episodes , being alone.. to make things kinda worse is im all my father really has. Hes not that social to his side of the family (personal reasons) and i just keep feeling homesick every single day. But i cant really do much cause texas is an ass of a state when it comes to ids, i cant get my id till june!!! I cant use my paypal till then either. And my 20th birthday is coming up as well. Im just in a messy situation andd havent been comfortablee enough to draw or do more of my other because of said reason. Plus i dont have money fpr the stuff i need to start anything. To make matters more bad the apartment im in isnt even home, landlords are assholes and dont fix shit. Its been hard for my mom to look for a lawyer. But that isnt really important. Ive just not been mentally well latley and dont know what to do at this point. My depression had its points or when i get overwhelmed i just think of doing (yknow the thing) but then i keep getting thoughts other then that. Ive.. just been mentally unwell in general and feel homesick, i miss maine and my family there, everything was fine till the move, financially , mentally etc , but now its like hell .

But i havent gone through this alone in my household

And if it werent for me having a shitty phone and whatnot and talking to some of yall really helps me through my tuff time right now , i thank you all for understanding and talking , even if its just in asks 💖💖💖❤❤❤😊😊😊

#vent post #vent #death tw

[transrightsjimin]

more ranting abt welfare benefits hell

sorry for whining so much abt income on here, i know it should just be easy nd solveable by applying more for jobs, but the literal issue is that i have no skills or confidence (latter is according to my friend, but the way i cant envision handling any jobs well is jst the truth??) nd still havent gotten any help from the municipality w getting consulted by someone w more knowledge on the job market nd maybe being pushed to take on shitty jobs that at least perhaps pay better than mail delivery. it’s jst so frustrating how i requested welfare benefits over 4 months ago but it only counted since 3 months ago bc they kept fucking up w the requests, promised a payback for the lost month, but didnt, i believe?? now december we got nothing nd probably also january bc our ‘income was too high‘ for the minimum.

uh i side tracked nd forgot where i was going before, but i meant to say tht HALF A YEAR AGO i also requested help w getting help w jobs but bc bureaucratic bullshit it took until DECEMBER to get the help approved. and they would get me a contact person ‘surely before christmas, don’t worry!‘ and then they didn’t and replied they hadn’t forgotten about me and will surely help soon and i’m just. so fucking anxious about this all??

my parents help me financially w cash they gave (nd some of which came from my grandmas) (nd no im not happy w that bc one of them is doing worse financially but still wants to give it away, nd the other is dead nd my uncle gave her left over money to family which feels ironic bc hes a millionaire but only gives a bit from his dead mom??) so that i can buy groceries bc me and my friend’s paychecks + welfare benefits can only cover rent + food and so not also other bills such as for healthcare that i have to make payment plans for. and even w help w groceries i still end up in the negatives, especially last month bc we ‘made too much‘ to receive something. i dont even dare to sell clothing or anything online for money bc that’d only mean ‘income from hobbies’ they could see i have and thus more reason to get stripped from this too.

and that is just the whole issue!! the municipality runs all these checks and forms and calls and appointments and documents you need to hand in, but there is NO calculation determining what you actually need. instead, based on the type of household, we were categorized as fiscal partners without children who receive the benefits together and thus we receive benefits (in the months that we do) to add it up to the ‘living minimum‘ €1500 in total. this amount does not cover our actual expenses, nor does this match inflation or how social housing has been broken down as a system and that real estate owners can increase rent prices as much as they want. there is a monthly grant that tenants could receive for renting a home, but only if it is an apartment AND below 752,33 euros per month (which is when it is considered social housing, above that it’s the ‘free market‘), and that is just virtually impossible?? but we were not once asked if we can actually pay anything and the people meant to help us w benefits just don’t fucking get flex work contracts or how our income over a certain month is received way later in the month after that. like they have a stable job and just dont fucking get that it is not designed well for us.

i think my anxiety over this issue has gotten worse ever since the news came out that a dutch woman on benefits got a €7000 fine because her mom did groceries for her and that’s considered fraud??!! she couldn’t afford food so her mom bought groceries for her but that is also considered financial compensation and thus she got this huge fine, which she probably cannot afford and the fucked up thing w fines from institutions is that they ask interest over it if you don’t pay it in time or enough of it, and give more fines and even charge fees for something like you receiving a letter and they’re just free to pull this shit bc it’s a for-profit business. and that’s how ppl end up w debt and huge loans. it’s just so infuriating nd i really dont want a fine or lose the right to benefits. even though i prob wont get it for a while bc of my friend’s job that tends to make our incomes together reach just the ‘living minimum‘. i have this bill of €250 for adhd diagnosis, then monthly bills for meds that are €76 of which i can receive most back and ‘only’ need to pay €25 from it, then theres an orthodentist bill of around €92 bc i forget this insurance company still counts from back when i was w it the first time nd orthodontist stuff gets insured up to €1000 and that amount was used up like 10 years ago nd they still count like that despite me having had a different insurer in between.

i just need a stupid fcking job nd i hate to whine abt this bc theres so many ppl in much worse situations who ‘take initiative‘ nd start looking for jobs, but AGAIN  i have no ‘basic’ skills like being able to listen and understand words well nd fast or show the right facial expressions or have good memory or dexterity or be able to answer difficult questions or focus on reading etc etc, nor do i i have an idea what job i should or could do.like i fcking need an income, moreover i need a break, im in this fcking burnout since like 2013 and in depression since at least 2004 lmfao but it’s never been recognized as bad enough by specialists bc im not suicidal, but it’s also not good to the point where i ever know if i felt ok. also just. i feel like i did use to have a bit more confidence in myself in high school but it all got sucked out of me in art college (bc horribly bigoted teachers + students and being taught that drawing well is in fact not at all important in the domestic market but rather being INNOVATIVE and NETWORKING and also COPYING is the way to success!! like not kidding, thats what teachers told us) nd by my parents (bc i became older nd didnt spontaneously do all these chores or jobs despite having no fcking clue how bc they never taught stuff). like i just dont know how ppl live comfortably w themselves and know what its like to be themselves nd not feel bad nd anxious abt everything

#rambles #family stuff #death mention / for grandma #this is a long rant im so sorry thisis a mess

[madisonrooney]

i havent posted about this much but my covid anxiety has been bad, like this whole time. which shouldnt be surprising if you know how bad my germaphobia/ocd/anxiety is, plus the fact that i have a clean freak mom who obsesses over all of that even more than i do and enables all of those things and im not used to doing anything without her say so (and dont get me wrong she means well, shes just over protective and cant help herself)

ive had multiple relapses/panic attacks simply over touching things that other people have touched. and for the record, with the exception of a small few brief unplanned run-ins from a distance, i havent seen anyone besides my parents in almost 8 months. i havent been inside a single building besides my house or their respective houses. ive also been entirely alone at my house for 2 of those 8 months.

but dont get me wrong, im fine not seeing anyone and if i have to do it for another 8 months i will. its comforting bc i feel safer that way (if just touching something gives me anxiety, imagine how bad id be like going out to eat or something), and im a pretty solitary person as it is. im LOVING just hanging at my house by myself, staying up as late as i want, and doing things ive been meaning to do for literal years like binge watching certain shows.

but thats not my point. my point, which may sound dumb but hear me out, is that i havent hugged someone or had any kind of physical affection in almost 8 months. im getting touch starved, but like in a platonic way. i wont even let my mom put her hand on my shoulder. she says its okay for us to hug (she!! whos even more afraid of this than i am!!) bc the only people she sees from outside of her household are outside, from a distance, with masks on, etc. but i still wont let her. back in april when my grandma died, my mom and i were both too afraid to hug each other. albeit we didnt know as much about covid then as we do now but it still feels wrong.

im alone rn and my mom wont be back for 2 weeks but i think im gonna say fuck it then cuz i think i need a hug from her. im having a shit night tonight and i would give anything for a hug, and i think its even harder given that i havent had one in 8 months. plus shell be here for both my and her birthdays so ill want to for that sake.

im glad i have my kitties to hug tho

#ramble a rooney

[kiingbiing]

bro Please show us ur ocs what

gladly

just know that names will change bevause i have too many characters woops (im a bad character maker lol)

i made them children who murder but now i dont know what to do with them, soon i will make a story for them

king and jester raise a baby and fall inlove :]

theyre originally humans but with a potion gone wrong, they end up as animals and now they have to work together to turn themselves back, also the snake works with the law and the mouse is a crook

dnd character, but i never got to play him cause i never played dnd, lol, one day, i will

ethan works at a cafe and got turned into a vampire, carter is a monster hunter and wendy is his assisstant. carter has the hots for ethan and ethan doesnt want to acknolwedge his existence. maggie and callie is ethan’s friend, barry LIKES wendy

the triplets were inspired by moosop ngl, but i do remember making triplets in 5th grade lol

inspired by tarzan, but i changed the story cause i made these characters when i was younger and i cant abandon them. meriam raised talia (i changed her name) when she decided to leave london and live in the jungle. talia barely speaks because her speech isnt good. mark comes to visit his mother and to try and see if the island can be used for good money, mark and talia hate each other for this fact.

made this in 4th grade cause my first lesbian ship was bubbaline and i was like, i dont have enough lesbian ships, gotta make my own then,

no name for them but its set in the philippines, inspired by our monsters :]

a fellow monster has to be in love with their food

fairly odd parents oc, josh and penny got adopted by this rich couple, and everything was fine till they figured out that they only got adopted because the parents would get more money from their parents if the wanted kids, this warrented a god parent and francis is here. francis HATES children and is onyl doing this because its good money. penny is too energetic, josh is the quiet kid and francis hates kids, but he can handle one, hes not gonna be able to handle 2

theres 2 stories for this, bt judas and merith were in an arranged marriage and percy became merith’s crying buddy when judas is mean, they can be in a threesome, still dont know. still have to upadte this story

dominic goes savage during the full moon and his sister is the only one who knows this secret. the two rodents have a thing for dominic

these were just random ocs with no actual plot line, dino and cloudy are buddies and they go everywhere together

the colony of ants have a thing for the ant eater, not the tables have turned lol

dad is forced to raise a baby and he cant cause hes sad depressed, and he just doesnt know what to do but he can abandon her. jerry is like, buddy, BUDDY, if u let me crash, i can help out, hes helpful, 

used to be an adventure time oc but i scrapped it, 

princess aya runs away from the royal family to find her missing sister cause she doesnt want to be queen 

she meets with red, a thief who dabbles with magic, which is illegal, 

due to unfortunate events, red helps aya find her sister

animal crossing ocs. kenny and lola are dating :]

one and two are childhood friends? one was mean and two got depressed, but now one is trying to make up for it

kylan is failing his class, so richard has to tutor him to make sure hes on the right track, kylan just doesnt want to do anything with him, and when he realises that richard has a hard time making friends, he makes it his task to help him make a friend, in return, richard has to leave him alone

just two teenagers coming to terms about their feelings for each other.

braden never gave romance a thought until he reached middle school. he started to crush on george hard and he doesnt know how to handle this and he tries to deny it.

george is straight and is just vibing, and he thought things were fine until braden confessed his feelings.

braden is demisexual (im demi, hes very special to me)

this ones old, (also i made another oc thats named carter WOOPS)

no name (teddy) got kicked out from home when his mom figured out hes gay, and carter is a rich art student that needs a model and he ask teddy to become his model. carter pays teddy a good sum of money, (i need to work on this story woops)’

melissa is a rich blind girl and shes not allowed to party and go outside if she doesnt hire a body guard (thanks dad), she hired danny, an ex underground boxer to help her around the city. 

in this world, magic welders are getting killed because only officials are allowed to use magic. momma summons demote, a demon, with a deal that he keeps her daughter safe. demote and harper hate each other and they have to tolerate each other in order to get away from the hunters. dewey is a forest entity that latched onto harper

my little pony oc 

madison loves flowers, she tends flowers and honestly? flowers only.

valentine is a match maker and she stumbles upon madison, and her match making skills dont work on madison, just ponies being ponies :]

characters made with my friends but i lost contact with them and one day, ill work on their stories

david is in his first public school and he meets molly and he doesnt vibe with her cause she doesnt talk to him and it didnt settle with him right, so he bullies her, and when he figures out that shes deaf and maliciously bullied her, hes just, not happy and tries to make it up to her, and shes not having it

life and death, my friend wanted me to make a comic bout life and death,

just ur standard life and death ship

used to be an adventure time oc but i changed it

andrew grew up in a religious household with strict parents, making him study. hes not allowed to be with friends

margee is raised by her uncle because her dad died in a car accident,

dally has a strained relationship with his dad, his dad being an alcoholic and not taking care of his health

they were all childhood friends and then they got seperated, when they got older, they all saw each other and got together for support

(ok imm a fool and i try to make a webcomic but i keep not not finishing it so, woops)

bunny ocs when i was younger, i need to work on their stories, sorry, no other info except they want to beat each other lol

cupid accidentally shots an arrown at ching and now they fell inlove with mar, and mar just wants to vibe and be ignored but with ching contantly trying to woo mar, cupid thinks thats enough and tried to help mar because that wasnt suppposed to happen lol

girl realises that the monsters under her bed and in her closet are real and tries to get her mother to help her.

her mother abuses her and the girl is just scared and she doesnt know what to do

(im getting lazy)

baintly wants to be a good wizard but she sucks at everything

butters(the broom) is accidentally made when she tried to summon her animal

she was about to get kicked out of school but out of sepretation, she promised her school that she’ll go get a gem from a feared dragon in order to prove her place in the school

she got lonely and got a pet bunny and fox

terry accidentally summoned perry and she doesnt know how to handle a demon in her room, ralph is terry’s friend

set in space and theyre all animals

the top are a bunch of criminals and the bottoms arer in the police forces

and they both have to work toegether to get rid of a dangerious villian set to destroy the galaxy

ok so i lost their names but basically, big demon goes to the human world and befriends a child. other demon is the right hand and he follows his master and hes just a ball anxiety. the older sister is a monster hunter and she tries to kill the big demon living in her house

#doodle #Anonymous #anon #oc #ocs #long post #im not even joking there more #i just couldnt fit them all in here cause i got really lazy #but uhhh #opions please #cause uhhhh #anon asked #and i want to know what u think #anon please respond #:[

[thetrashywritingwitch]

I'm so sorry the pandemic is such big shot for u, tbh its kinda the same for me. I'm fine with staying indoors usually, I'm even in a place that still allows you outside, you're just forbidden to get close to other people, so I'm taking some walks sometimes. But tbh, it's really scary to stay so much with my mom, she can be very scary and mean at times. Nothing much really happened yet but I'm still constantly on edge around her since usually a lotta stuff would've happened by now. (1/2)

hey there star anon. i’m doing a bit better today so we’ll see how things go

and i’m not nearly as affected as other people luckily: i’m able to work from home, i still have a steady paycheck, no one that i personally know is sick, my fam is ok, i’m healthy, so on my end it’s not so bad

i think one of the very scary things that has come out of this are people who are being forced to live with not just people they dont like, but *abusers* and toxic households. it’s not good!! i have no doubt that an uptick in domestic violence has happened because of this unfortunately and idk what to do about it

BUT OMG LA;KSFL;J KITTENS LIL BABS LIL POTATOS PLZ I NEED TO SEEE THEM SEND PICSSSS

also omg i didn’t know they still made Heelies oh god what a nostalgia trip

i’m glad you like my writing and i hope you continue to do well!

#Anonymous #trashwitch answers

[peonies07]

Ok so I'm 19. I've been on tumblr since I was 12, yeah I was probably that annoying 12 year old. But at the time I needed it so badly. Tumblr was the reason I knew basically about LGBT before the gay marriage right arguement. Tumblr helped me figure out that I'm not straight.

The issue is that I grew up in rural MN like my hometown had 200 people. And most were Christian Republican conservatives with stereotypes and all.

I have two older brothers. The oldest was my father figure growing up- hes 9 years older than me and honestly was the only person that showed me support and potentially unconditional love. Around the time he left for college my family had to sell our house and move into an apartment the next town over about (2,000 people). I was about 10 and losing my brothers comfort made me start being depressed. While he was home he was the one who would counteract anything that would have made me feel worthless or unloved, he was there to prove my mother's words wrong. My other brother is 7 years older than me and was in high school and angry at the world at the time. I lost the only real support I had. Our dad worked long hours and I barely ever saw him after we lost the house he went to ND to find work and I saw him even less.

Our mom is very toxic and honestly probably abusive? I've been gas lighted to the point where I have no confidence in any memory, thought or feeling I had unless I have someone next to me to tell me 'no that was real it was like that'. So when my brother were old enough to move out or to have reasons to stay away I was stuck with her and it turned into the my daughter is my best friend. But with that came the complaints on how expensive I was and how bad her life was, how she regrets marrying my dad and then last minute remembering to add 'but at least I have you kids'.

Enter finding tumblr and learning that no there's a world outside this tiny town was one of the things that made middle school and high school so much easier. After I figured out that I was apart of LGBT, my older brother came home. In the time of gay marriage and all the arguements. I looked up to him as someone who would always be on my side and then right when he came home, I had to listen or sometimes argue with him and our mom about 'the gays'.

They were obviously against it and it forced me to hide and bury it for a long time. I would come out to friends if I trusted them or if they had shared they were also not straight but never to my family. After middle school, my mom got a new job and moved us about an hour away.

When I started high school, I found Trevor. He became my best friend and was for about 3 months and then of course asked me out. I didnt like him in that way but I also didnt want to upset him or lose him so I said yes.

We dated for 3 years from freshman year to senior year. In that time he took my virginity, we had taken 3 breaks and I had relatively no friends besides Trevor or his friends. He saw on my tumblr page that I put pansexual (at the time I identified with it) he asked me about it, I explained it and he gave a weird look. We never talked about it much after maybe an occasional hey that girl is cute but nothing really to address it? I was the one who started all of the breaks. I knew that being with him wasn't right for me but he was still my best friend and the one I was closest to. He was the one who was there when I cried and I was there for him. By senior year I was heavily depressed and highly anxious. I got a job after freshman year at a fast food chain, where I worked with his parents, and started PSEO classes my junior year. Between the stress of taking college classes, a struggling relationship, no other support network, and working 20-30 hours a week with high school and living with my mom. I started to break down my senior year, I got a different job that had less hours, since in the middle of my junior year I had gotten promoted to manager at 16 at the fast food chain and worked even more. I started skipping college classes and would just hang out in my car in parking lots so I would go home. Mom had gotten a job that worked nights and would leave at 2pm so I would wait until after she left to go home and just lay in bed. If I did it while she was there I would get told how lazy I was and how I needed to get up.

I started seeing a therapist in October, of course I was only 17 and so I had to have mom come in for the first meeting. The first thing she told my therapist was how she thought that I wasn't screwed up and didnt really need therapy and talked a bit about how she was disappointed. I paid for therapy on my own obviously and after a few weeks I never told my mom when I went to therapy to this day she does not know how many times I went. In December I finally broke up with Trevor for good and a bit later I found my 3 best friends, they are my favorite people they are my big supporters and I'm theirs. They have been there for me no matter what and honestly really showed me what having actually friends was like.

Two of them are also in LGBT and the other not but we all support each other. After we graduated I went to a private college 6 hours away in Wisconsin. I needed to be far from my family but close enough for emergencies especially since my dads mother had cancer and we knew she wouldn't have long.

Before college started I had tot get rid of my car, mom told me that she couldn't keep me on her insurance so I gave it to my brother (middle child). I went off to college, in late September my grandmother died and I went to her funeral (my mom told me I couldn't go because college was too important, I went anyway).

By winter break I realized that I couldn't keep being carless. I had asked my dad for help since I definitely couldn't go to my mom and didnt have any other option (forgot to mention they divorced in 2017 after being separated for about 6/7 years). He helped me and bought me a truck that was $7,000.

Now here is the that start of the reason I'm writing this.

My dad is an alcoholic and has so many fucking DUIs, he should be in prison honestly. But after my parents divorce he started trying to get his license back.

Complicated part is he couldn't stay sober. Or at least not drive while drunk, and with both of our names on the title of this truck I had to get whiskey plates. Honestly I didnt care about the plates but my dad did and told me to try and transfer it into my name only.

We bought the truck in December 2019 and didn't get the title sent to us until May 2020 and if we had gotten it on time this wouldn't be too concerning but sadly not the case. In February he got picked up again and that's the one that cause me to have whiskey plates so I couldn't transfer it into my name if I wanted to. - MN law states that if a truck has whiskey plates it cannot be transfer into a family member or household member, it can be sold but it has to be a fair price no 'gifts'.

And of course its Corona timw and I had to leave college in March- back to mom's house where I got hella depressed again and then had to drop the courses I was trying to take for spring cause I needed to focus on mental health. In May I moved in with my brother-middle one- to his city that is 3 hours away.

It's better but also not quite where I want to be. So since I'm out of mom's and overall just really frustrated with the world I came to terms with wanting to come out to my family, especially my brothers. Earlier this month (August) I did. I told them over dinner since my oldest brother was in town and asking me about my love life and I just said 'I like girls' and they kinda accepted it. Middle brother is hella religious so I knew there was a chance of rejection, all he had to say was that he doesn't quite believe that there can really be a romantic relationship between women, as god intended love to be between a man and woman. But he didnt disown me or kick me out so it's fine. My oldest brother just made a joke about lesbian porn. The next day they followed up a bit with it of hey so you're gay basically. Most of my family is now transphobic instead of homophobic since trans is 'worse'. I dont agree with them but I'm just content for now with not losing my brothers. I've basically cut our mom off and still dont talk to our dad much especially about feelings.

So with this truck that my dad bought me and with the added stress of trying to figure out how to deal with it I decided to trade it in. But went to probably the worst dealership in our area and got conned really. After 8 days of having the new SUV it broke down, the motor through a rod and is basically totaled until a new motor is put in.

And naturally I haven't told anyone in the family besides the brother I live with so about two days after trying to figure out again of what to do. Middle brother calls dad and older brother to help and my anxiety and anger spike. I've never talked about the trauma o went through because of our mom to anyone in the family only the oldest brother but not all of it. Added in the fact that I dont want to accept dads help if hes going to hate or reject me for being gay I am so scared and anxious that I just explode. They came and dad started asking me about why I didnt call him before and why I traded it for the car I did and I'm trying to tell him it's fine well get the truck back I learned my lesson and I'm giving him the truck back, I'll find a vehicle on my own. I am financially able to so he can have to back/sell it.

But he just keeps pushing and then telling me to mellow out and stop being moody. And pushing more so I just scream. And start trying to explain hey I got a bunch of issues and I cant trust you yeah you're my dad but mom made me feel worthless so.

And I'm crying/screaming/sobbing and dads basically at a point of not listening. My oldest brother comforts me and I make him walked away from dad with me as our other brother had come.

I start telling my oldest brother what the h3ll is going on in my head with almost everything. I talk about our mom, how he is my father figure not our dad, how I cant trust our dad and also about my fears with rejection from dad and previous fear of his rejection. I get through most of it and dad and our other brother come to where we are.

Now I have been out to my brothers for about 2-3weeks and my oldest brother deciding to 'help me'? Asks our dad if he would love me any less for being gay. I lose it I get a bit hysterical and start laughing cause for no reason that I can figure out for now really. I hear our middle brother make some comment that I couldnt quite hear but the tone was like an exhausted really vibe to it? And cue our dad saying of course not and trying to talk again about how I should have called and I try again explaining that I cant trust that easily after being alone with mom for basically 8 years and him then trying to tell me that hes not her.

So my family does not understand feelings well but they're there for me apparently and dont hate me ( I still dont fucking believe them). Like they are saying they dont but I haven't really seen any reason to believe that or a sign of unconditional love. I always feel like I'm merely tolerated and on the edge of circles ready to be pushed out at the wrong word.

I still haven't 'come out' to our mom yet and I dont think I'll tell her face to face, she can find out through facebook. I still have so much anxiety about all of this and it's to the point were it's an overall feeling of nothing but with a premonition of something not right or anxiety about something bad happening.

#lgbtq #coming out #gay #wlw #Anxiety #depression #childhood trauma #bad parenting #brothers #family issues #personal

[lesbiankermit-moved]

- dont rb pls and thank u -

so, i haven’t really talked about it much, but my dd got diagnosed with cancer middle of last year. it was really scary but he’s been going through chemo and like fighting it yknow. and he has a petscan tomorrow to see if they can stop chemo now actually.

anyways though. when he first got diagnosed and told his mom, my grandma, one of the first things out of her mouth was “don’t ask me for any money.” literally. he didn’t ask, he really never would honestly, and she immediately goes I Will Not Help You, My Child basically. and we talked abt like i’m sure she’s looking out for herself in terms of like idk how much money she even has left, and she’s very very old now and has health problems and lives alone, like she’s scared of running out of money or something i’m sure. but just like bringing it up unprompted like that was just so . weird and Soulless i thought.

but like months later, we mention this to my aunt, and she gets fucking pissed. for rhe obvious reasons but also bc she apparently handles all of my grandma’s finances, and she’s like “uh no, she is doing Fine, she could easily give you 10k if she wanted to” and i was like well shit. what the fuck. i can’t imagine not wanting to offer any support, emotional or material, to your ill child. it’s because she’s a bad person but yknow. fucked up.

that was like a few months ago, but then the other day, my aunt calls to chat with my dad and whatever. and brings up “oh whats your paypal, i convinced mom to give you some money” n we’re like holy shit How lmao like. awesome tho. we figure like idk $500 or smth, cool, that’ll help with a month of rent yknow. and my aunts like “ok, they limit my transactions so i have to do it over the next 3 days, heres the first one!” n sends $2000 ?? so i think she. convinced my grandmother to give like literally $10k to my dad which is like so baffling to me but. wow idk

sorry if this is a weird post i dont wnna sound braggy about money or smth but it’s just. so insanely relieving. i’ve been the one working the most in the household n tryna support everything the best i can n my dad has still been working part time retail when he’s so weak and ill from chemo. and there’s food stamps n different stuff that helps but it’s been really hard, and it’s horrible that he’s had to work even a couple 6 hour shifts a week, bc they barely support him and take so much out of him and he ends up spending crazy money on ubers to even get there bc they schedule him outside of when i can give him rides and he really can’t walk all the way to a bus stop at this point, especially if he’s sposed to stand on his feet all day n like.

fuck idk im glad and im relieved n i think everything is on the up n up n its gonna be okay, but i cant believe that like. my grandma was sitting on this money the whole time n couldve helped. he couldve been at home recovering n resting n shit like? fuck man idk. idk

#long post

[dolce-fritz]

So being the new evil girlfriend is fun

So recently my Partner has had some majorly stupid ass drama with their ex. Like this girl, she’s loopier then the Olympic oval, Like normally I’m nice and don’t slander people but like. She’s just, hoo boy. A mess.

And yeah this is from a completely biased stand point. And I’m about to tell you why that I feel the way that I do about this girl from my own experiences. This is going to be long winded, so I’m putting it under a read more. 

So I moved from the lovely state of Utah this year, my homelifes never been 100% great. I love my mom but our issues clash and we do better separate. Not to mention I really wanted to try it out in another state again and this time the right way and not just a spur of the moment decision while i visited like what happened with Florida.

Well, planned my vacation to See my at the time friend to see if I really liked it there.  I knew about their recent split with their Ex, and the two seemed pretty amicable about it. The other roommate was.... hoo, a mess to say the least. and My friend didn't want to be alone with her because they actually had been wanting to tell her to leave because of the issues that she'd brought into the home. anyways that in itself was a bit of drama.

So I was like OK. I'll come check it out and if I like it I'll be your new room mate.

Well. I plan my trip about four weeks out. and end up pretty excited about it. Come to find out with no real surprise that My friends Ex is going to move out before Octobers over.

My friend starts panicking. again doesn't wanna be alone with the other roommate that they're having hardships with. So I say ok... I'm going to do this vacation, then im just going to move on the 20th so I can get my stuff packed.

Shits already starting to go down hill.

I get there. everything seems fine. The ex seems nice, things seem ok. the other roommates.... already trying to cause shit with me and im not even physically in the house. I'm sleeping on a mattress on the floor in an old office space. bought a bunch of furniture because at this point. I know I'm moving here. Its going to happen. This is where I'm going to live might as well help my friend end up getting it taken care of.

Well. Day three of my vacation hits. The ex drops that her dad wants her to move out that day. completely screws the pooch for my friend and the other roommate. And basically bails on them and leaves the house just with the things she wants and then just leaves all the rest of her junk here like its her own storage unit. claims she’ll be back for the rest [ Spoilers never happened]  so that... right there puts this sour taste in my mouth. Cause yeah, me and her ex at that point are sharing a bed. Because like theres only three beds in the house until she ends up leaving and so my friends like ill just sleep with you. me i’m very fine sharing my sleeping space with my friends. i’ve done it literally all my life. hell a its not a goodnight sleep unless your on your best friends bed snuggling the shit out of her kaneki ken body pillow listening to true crime documentaries on the TV but like seriously it was no big deal to me. which im begining to wonder if it was a big deal to her. Either way apparently instead of waiting till i officially moved. she bailed and forced my hand. So I had to stay, I couldn’t properly say goodbye to my mom. couldn’t properly get my shit packed. all cause I really didn’t want to leave my friend alone till I could officially move in. So already, I started getting a slight distaste in my mouth for her. but I let it slide. I know how overbearing parents are sometimes.  well, so i cancelled my flights. money spent that i was never going to end up getting back that I could’ve later used towards something for the house.  The girl left. and I was left, Cleaning up the mess that she walked out of and left behind.  Turns out my friend was the only one that was cleaning up around the house. and working a part time job, while trying to side hustle some art for extra money.  They were the one that was handling all the utilities, while their ex was buying everyone food. Separate it would’ve been an easier task if it was just the two of them. but you add in the extra roommate that was only paying her share of rent and none of the food and utilities and shit starts piling up. Well.  sat down and looked at all the finances. found out that while yeah the Ex was making the most money. She didn’t bother to help out with any of the chores. I mean, they split the dish duty. And i’m sitting here wondering how long this pan of fish oils been on the stove for. had to buy new pans cause they were growing cultures.  Hell half her chores and the other roomates were doing the cat boxes. dude it was shit mountain in there. it was so bad the cats were going in the corner. Yet it was like my friend was expected to pick up after them and pick up their slack because they didn’t work as many hours as the other two. Which I’m sorry. if you can’t balance cleaning up after yourself. and working how the hell are you going to live on your own.  Well in comes me, the living off disability. [ which is not a glorious life] I have a lot of time on my hands. so first few days we douche out the house. things start looking good.  in comes the ex to get something and brings this utter douchebag of a man that boasts about him being the whole reason that they broke up. Which like when we were moving out the ex. the ex’s dads...girlfriend??? was like dont let them take advantage of you. which like made me pull up a shit ton of questionmarks. cause yeah i wasn’t going to let the other roommate do that cause i was kinda aware what her game was and it wasn’t playable with me.  everyone had their part to play in this household, and I wasn’t going to play mother for anyone. Well in comes this guy. boast about how he wont let anyone take advantage of her again and im like sure w/e dude. but like i started like... questioning wtf she was actually telling people that my friend actually did to her.  see, what i was told was that it was an intimacy issue. my friends pretty Asexual so like there wasn’t alot of physical involvement. and that things just weren’t going the way that their ex wanted them to. Turns out it was SOOOO much more then that. so curious me, got digging about this girl cause shit just wasnt really adding up.  and I started finding out things. At this time, friend started turning to partner. and eventually we started dating which made shit a lot more uncomfortable with me and this girl. cause yanno, new girlfriend. ex girlfriend. two things dont usually mesh well in situations like this.  Well so, started finding out that while in a relationship she was leading on a bunch of other guys, and at work would like do this whole “im bi” thing if the guy was cute. like she was very male centered for a “lesbian”  She was super horny on main during DND which made EVERYONE uncomfortable. to top it all off she was a narcissist, that had a victim that she could toy with.  She tried to convince my partners parents while they were still together, to talk to their child when there were behaviours that she didnt like. She tried to have an intervention with their friends to force them into transitioning FtM when they were happy just being nonbinary.  they would gaslight them, manipulate them, and  abuse them. I watched this girl in the span of three weeks tear my partner down with her words in front of me. and be nothing but venomous to them. for no other reason then they were actually happy.   While spining all these stories of how she was the one that was wronged.  Well, I started having enough of her coming around just so she could be mean to my partner. She’d come over. immediately go to our fridge to drink some of the booze she left and then pick at my partner for small insignificant things only because she wanted to fight. When i had enough of that. I told my partner, we’re going to DnD early. she can find her own ride.  She came to a family party, invited unknowingly by my partners brother that’s been over seas and in the military. She thought she was going to get a hookup complained she wasn’t having fun because he wasn’t paying attention to her. Snapped at my partners nephews because they wanted to play and made one of them cry. and was just toxic to be around.  That was strike two.  Strike three was watching how she conducted herself around our dnD group. she’d had this guy, mister “ i saved you from your bad relationship” on speed dial, and would tell him things. and then sit and shit talk him when she was bored with him to everyone. We were all sick of it.  The ending straw with me, was when we finally wanted to be done with this drama. told her three months before hand to get off the car insurance. and it wasn’t done. ended up causing a big thing.  She started saying that she’d leave the DND group to make things easier. because Thats what my partner would want. At this point i couldnt stand it any longer. Three months talking to everyone that physically knows her. and see’s what she’s becoming lead everyone to say the same thing about her She was turning into her mother.  No i know fuck all about that. i dont know her mother, i dont know anything about her. I know she’s on a shot that fucks with your brain and ends up messing with your body. I also was on the DEPO shot for three years of my life and its caused so many problems after i was off it.  and thats what i tried to impart to her my wisdom on.  therapy, and a depo shot.  now how we got there is really long winded, and highly dramatic.  id admitted to her our dnd group wanted to chat. she was pushy, respected no ones boundaries, and left our friends house a complete mess. just like she left ours... and god, she ended up pissing me off cause the girl left slippers caked in cat puke in my tub after staining my bathroom doing her hair dye. she disrespected my home, she disrespected out friends, and our friends home. and she was needlessly mean and cruel to everyone around her that didnt serve some purpose to her.  So yeah she had to go.  Here i am thinking that this is the end of it. but i get updates about how I’m apparently the worst abuser in the world just cause I told some spoiled brat of a woman to get off a shot that messes with the brain, and to seek therapy cause this girl needs help. Funny thing is im not the only one that said it. apprently just the loudest voice to have said it.  and this bitch still thinks i dont like her cause she’s not ‘ providing for us financially” We may not have a high roller life. but damn we’re doing just fucking fine. 

#the dumb drama

[missjackil]

My 14x09 Opinion

The Spear Not the best mid season finale, but it wasnt bad. I dont have any critical complaints, though, I think it just lacked impact because I could see it coming. I love trying to guess where the story is going, but I like being surprised even more. I did maintain that I thought Michael was still posessing Dean and it would come to be that Sam and co would have to try to get him out without hurting Dean, and though Mike didnt posess Dean the whole time, he was apparently still getting in Deans head (ie the dizzy spells) I did however love that Sam tells Jack the Cookie cereal will rot his teeth out. With the amount of “dont tell Sam” requests and Dean and Cas getting permission from Sam to do things with Jack, I feel like its clear that Sam is the head of that household, and not just another Dad, but.... maybe “The Mom” (snicker) now, Im not trying to feminize Sam, I cant stand when people do that, but I cant deny the “mom” subtext... and in this case, Im fine with it. Being a mom and knowing how tough a job it is, since Jack doesnt have one on Earth, I say Sam fills that role the best. ❤😍🍪 So now Garth... Ive never been a Garth fan, hes always just been a prop to keep an episode from getting too serious, but in this case, he got serious... and Im happy with that. Im beginning to think maybe Dabb doesnt like characters stuck in “silly” roles. I dont either. I dont mind humorous characters, but I mind when episodes are wasted on light comedy and Dabb seems to have removed that from such characters, like Donna, Charlie, and now Garth.  Im sure they can still be silly, but Im glad he showed they can be serious as well.  I saw y’all whining over the assumption there would be a big Destiew scene, but there wasnt. That wasnt anything near some deep heart to heart confession about comparing Deans posession to Sams or Cas’s, Dean has been much more open and emotional about it to Sam thus far.So he talks a little about it to his friend. BFD. And Cas and Dean going off one way, gave us some good time with Sam and Jack. It wasnt any huge bonding, but I loved how Jack mustered up the strength to tackle Garth and get him off Sam when he had him pinned. 

I loved the Sam Fucking Winchester badassery just chopping through the monsters to get to Jack. Ive always loved Sams feirceness when it came to Dean, and I am loving it when it comes to Jack too. I might be one of the only Sam girls that isnt offended by Dean having more visible bonding time with Jack lately. Dean is a good guy, and he had a near character assassination last season between how he treated Jack and how he treated Kaia. Its critical to see that hes still a good guy and capable of compassion and kindness. Sam never lost it, we all always knew he has a strong bond with Jack, we didnt need visual reminders.  Now that brings me to Kaia. Let me confess right now, that even though I cant stand the Wayward crap, or Claire, Im glad Kaia has her own story outside of that. I find her interesting honestly, all of the other wayward ones are boring af. I was glad to see Dean didnt use any violence to talk to her... sure he lied kinda, as right now Jack cant open a rift, but he can later maybe, so its not that big of a lie right? However, she’s gonna beat his ass for getting her spear destroyed. Oy!! So now as predicted, Mike has Dean again. This moment at the end was pretty indusive of the feels. The look on Sams face when he looked at the body of his brother, knowing, Dean isnt in controll, and hes lost him yet again... I could see the grief beard regrowing as he stood there. So Mike let Dean go and asked the boys why they never questioned it. Well, they did., several times, so I dont think this is any “forgetting what other writers wrote” but the same thing as when Toni Bevell said the guys had never read a single book. Of course they have, you dont know them nearly as well as you think.  I guess we can keep in our back pockets that all powerful entities may release you if you annoy them enough!! The Empty released Cas because he annoyed him, and Mike released Dean because he annoyed him...Im glad they made sure we saw that Dean is too attached to Sam first and foremost. Sure, he cares for Cas and Jack, but Sam is bae. 💖😍 Side note: Michael’s female vessle looks very familiar, was she the woman in The Purge episode? Anyway, she was very good and super pretty. In conclusion, I wasnt overwhelmed but it was alright. I find whats happening next very interesting so it makes this much more of a cliff hanger. I cant wait to see Sam and Cas in Deans mind, and what kinda shit they may step in. Also what are they gonna do with Garth? Probably lock him in the dungeon till they get this fixed. Theres a lot of crap going on right now, I think the 2nd half will be much more interesting. As is kinda the pattern with this show. But I do need me a brothers only MOTW ASAP. Maybe episode 11? On a scale of Bloodlines to Who We Are Ill give this a 7. No huge complaints, but no surprise Big Reveal either really. But hey! Cas FINALLY healed someone!! Its only been a season and a half!! 

I will be back Jan 18th for my Opinion on 14x10 Nihlism. Until then, check out my daily Top SPN Favorite Episodes. Have safe and happy Holiday season!!

#spn 14x09 spoliers #my opinion #the spear #spn spoilers

[tamiddyinyourcity]

Lame shit

My mom, sister, brother, and grandmother all in the same room, agreeing that I'm deeefinitely not the favorite daughter, and loudly hooting and hollering about it... five feet away.

It never would have been a problem, if my grandmother didnt attack me solely for me asking her to close a bathroom door...

For someone that claimed i was their priority...

They sure give my grandmother the big hot plates of food and refuse to change the situation theyve stuck me with.

And i go hungry or am the last to know when theres food around...

And still receive way less attention or care than the obese cruel woman does.

And of course my siblings are always cunts.

Theyre cut from the same cloth.

I like to seperate myself as much as i can.

Morals make a person, and not their family; in no way id associate with these people otherwise.

Ive tried courtesy... they enjoy disrespect a lot more.

No good memories with them.

I am entirely detached from them as a fucking whole.

.....

I think im becoming sociopathic?

I lack a care for people these days.

Which annoys me.

I could have stopped being broke a long time ago, if only I were a total bitch, and used people for food and took pictures of people's credit cards while they slept.

But noooooooooooooooo.

I gotta have morals, and instead give a dude a chance, just to have a bad one night stand and a few hours out of this shitty place.

Life is easier when im just an asshole?

Assholes demand what they want, are strict, and overall they can sway whoever they like.

My morals dont get me much.

But i guess id feel too bad over being a horrible person....

Sigh.

I dont feel so great.

Is it bad to wish you were a less moral having person?

I dunno.

Can life be simpler?

Can I be like the pretty chicks from Pulp Fiction and Scarface, just chill all day in a lavish mansion with a fine ass rich dude.... and probably minus the drugs and threat of prominent death?

So far the only difference between there and here is that i sleep with a shitty abuser.

Or with different shitty people, just to finally get away.

I dunno.

Pretty sure last time I thought like this, I had a spontaneous urge to give up on every future I had in order to marry one of the thousands of billionaires moving in right across bay bridge...

"Im cute and broke as hell, and theres a billion dollars right across that bright. Lets go get it."

Ill get back to that mindset soon enough.

Trying to self love...

Its hard to.

Or at least with these people around.

And my storage is low.

And my household sucks.

And every sliver of happiness i had in 2014 had vanished in an instant tbh.

Like most things i like.

Its such a shame dude.

#life #:/