#i get bored easily ok it happens and i dont want to be responsible | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

adhdanalogbrain · 3 years

Note

Hi there! I don't have adhd myself, but all three of my roommates do. It makes it almost impossible for them to notice when chores need done, or to even motivate to do chores when reminded (whether by me or the chore apps we've tried). I don't want to resent my friends but I'm getting close, since I'm the only person in the house who does household chores. Do you have any tips on how I can help them, and how they can help themselves?

Ok so I've been chewing on this response for a while. Because there's no one technique or life hack that can solve this situation easily -- BUT i do believe you and your roommates have the power to solve it, with understanding and a helluva lot of communication. First Im going to explain how the adhd brain can react to chores, them I'm going to share how you can outwit the adhd brain through the power of friendship (e.g., communication, teamwork, and the benefit of the doubt).

So, for a lot of people with executive dysfunction problems, chores are THE WORST.

1. Some of them happen regularly, and others are intermittent. Since it's already hard for us to notice the existence of time, this fact hits us coming and going.

2. Some of them are suuuuuuuuuuuuper boring, which is absolute agony and makes 10 minutes feel like 2 hours of torture.

3. Some require multiple steps, so we cant figure out how to get started, so we get overwhelmed and freak out.

4. Starting a new thing -- overcoming the inertia of I'm Already Doing Something Else -- is really hard.

5. If there is any kind of obstacle to getting started on the chore, our motivation to do the thing can fizzle out.

6. Many of us associate chores with punishment / bad feelings, because we grew up in households that didn't acknowledge our difficulties, or blamed us, or guilt tripped us, or used chores as a punishment.

But!!! All is not lost!! This is where the power of Friendship comes in, because it sounds like there are at least 4 people in your house, which means there's 4 people to help each other outsmart their brains and get stuff done.

The first thing to do is sit down with your roommates and have an honest conversation about the chores. This is NOT a, "Chris you didnt do the dishes the last 3 weeks" conversation! The theme of this conversation is: "The chores gotta get done. Let's brainstorm together how to get that done."

Here are some things that you all, as a group, gotta figure out together:

1. What are the communal chores that need doing, and how regularly do they need to get done?

-Write this all down! Right there at the table! ADHD brains can sometimes need things pinned down in letters on a page before we can grok them. And some things that seem Really Big out loud can turn out to look a lot less intimidating on paper.

-Sometimes people have different expectations for what a specific chore requires. My spouse balked at vacuuming for a long time before I realized that for him, vacuuming meant moving all the furniture to get every single speck of carpet in the house. Me saying "God no please just vacuum the carpet you can easily reach" solved that issue.

2. What chores do people hate? Why?

- The "Why?" is important. If someone hates doing dishes because it makes their hands wet and they have to touch Gross Things, that doesn't mean they never have to do dishes -- it means they should try wearing rubber dish gloves to see if that helps.

3. What chores do people not mind doing?

-My spouse haaaates folding laundry, and I dont mind it, so voila, that is now my task.

4. What sorts of things stand in the way of getting chores done?

Examples might include:

- I wanted to put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher, but the clean dishes were still in there, and my brain was so set on dirties -> dishwasher I couldn't brain how to switch over to putting the clean stuff away first. (Solution: "Dishes" might be broken up into more discrete tasks)

-I was supposed to sweep but there were Things on the floor (Solution: "It's ok to sweep around things on the floor.")

-I know I'm supposed to take the trash out every Sunday but I didn't realize it was Sunday until Monday started (Solution: "Take the trash out on Monday and let it sit there till the following Sunday" OR "Put the trash bags right in front of the door so you cant miss them when you leave the house")

- The pile of dishes was so big i got overwhelmed and left the room (Solution: "You don't have to do ALL the dishes, just a sinkful" OR "Step 1 of doing dishes is restacking them more neatly on the counter")

5. What are some workarounds we can figure out around the above obstacles to help each other get everything done?

- In my house, we don't have a dishwasher. I will wake up in the morning and start a load in the sink, and wash enough dishes to fill the dish rack. When my spouse wakes up an hour later, he puts the clean dishes away. Over the course of a day, by tagging in and out, we get all the dishes done (mostly).

-We talk ALL THE TIME about what we need to get done and what is stopping us, and how we can help each other overcome the mental obstacle.

Example: "I know i need to do some dishes but the size of the stack is killing me." "Would it help if I washed the two big saucepans so that the stack is smaller?" "OH GOD YES."

-We ask each other for help when we need it! "Hey I can do all the laundry if you could just carry the basket downstairs for me."

So.

I know you are getting irritated by the current chore situation. You also dont want to "nag" people or be, like, some sort of parental figure dispensing chore assignments to your grumbling roommates. And you don't want to be left doing all the chores all the time, slowly seething.

None of that needs to happen.

Talk with your roomates. Have an honest conversation focused on problem solving. No blame. No pointing fingers. Y'all are the Avengers, or the Justice League, or your Found-Family-Trope Of Choice. The only rules are:

1. COMMUNICATE

2. Work together

3. Communicate some more. Ongoing communication. Regular check-ins. Task-swapping. Teamwork.

4. Give each other the benefit of the doubt. No one is skipping chores to be mean, or to punish anyone else. If something gets missed, talk and brainstorm and help each other.

You're a really great friend, to reach out for help about this! You can do it!

#chores #household tasks #adhd coping

4K notes · View notes

babysizedfics · 3 years

Text

Virgil moves and talks so quietly that no one hears him (and he hates it)

virgil is naturaly very gentle in pretty much everything he does. he moves so quietly around the house because he wears socks and always walks on his tiptoes (which is an autistic trait) and he also speaks so softly hardly above a whisper unless he's laughing or yelling that he always scares people who didnt know he was right behind them.

and it sort of upsets vee. not so much that he moves silently but doesnt like that he accidentally scares people and he really doesnt like that people can't hear him when he speaks - when he was first created as a four year old he was completely mute and it took at least a year for him to finally learn to speak at five years old and even then he was still selectively mute and only semi verbal otherwise.

so he's had to deal with not being able to communicate his needs effectively a lot. he still goes mute sometimes if he is overwhelmed and when he is regressed he is semi verbal. so he feels sensitive about the fact that even when he finally CAN communicate with words most of the time, he feels like he can't do it right because he cant force himself to speak loud enough.

LOGAN

like one morning logan will be waiting for the coffee machine to fill his mug and virgil will come into the kitchen and say 'good morning.' when logan doesnt respond virgil gets nervous that maybe he did something wrong and his mama is angry with him

so he doesnt try to speak again just in case it would annoy logan and he moves around silently on his toes getting breakfast

it isnt until logan hears the fridge door open and close that he looks back and his eyes fall on vee. virgil freezes a little but logan smiles softly at him. 'good morning virgil. when did you get here?'

'uh a couple minutes ago'

'oh my apologies, i didnt hear you come in' then logan turns back to his coffee and picks up his mug.

'i said good morning' vee whispers, worried that it would sound like complaining. but logan doesnt even hear him say it so vee gives up on talking and just sits next to logan for breakfast in comfortable silence (thats underlaid by shame on his part)

PATTON AND ROMAN STORIES ARE BELOW THE CUT BC THIS GOT LONG

PATTON

patton will be doing the dishes and humming and virgil will tiptoe in and say 'hi dad' but patton doesnt hear it over the running water and keeps washing up. virgil fidgets a bit on the spot, anxious that it feels like he's eavesdropping on patton even though he isn't trying to at all

he tries a couple more times to say hi to his dad when theres less noise coming from the plates in the sink but still theres no response. so he tries to speak louder 'um dad, im behind you'

and for him it was louder than usual but for other people its more like a slightly quiet soft voice... so patton doesnt hear him still, even when he turns off the water and dries his hands.

virgils heart hammers in his chest because patton is gonna turn around and think virgil was spying on him even though virgil tried to speak to him a few times by this point. 'please dont jump' virgil whispers desperately, knowing that he's essentially talking to himself now

and of course when patton finally turns around he does jump and he yelps loudly at seeing virgil and even though virgil expected it it startles him and he flinches and his eyes immediately water (he gets really annoyed by how easily he cries sometimes)

patton sees it and quickly calms down and goes over to pull him into a hug 'oh im sorry honey, i didnt hear you come in. did i scare you?'

virgil tries to breath evenly to stop his chest from shaking when he speaks. 'i - um i tried to talk to you... a few times' virgil mumbles into his shoulder

and patton smiles a little because he's kind of soft for how gentle virgil is all over including his voice and he apologises again and kisses virgils head and they move on.

it helps virgil not feel so bad about it when it happens with pstton because he always holds him and kisses his head in apology, plus patton finds his quiet voice endearing and at least thats a positive because virgil gets fawned over by his dad a bit

ROMAN

but the worst is when it happens with roman.

roman will be in his room singing while he works on some artwork. not even that loud, just singing softly as he concentrates on his paintbrush. virgil was feeling lonely and bored and kind of jittery and anxious for no reason in his room and usually roman lets him watch when he's doing art and it calms virgils anxiety and is fun to just sit there in silence in romans company.

so he knocks on romans door gently and peeks his head in. roman is faced away from him at his easel on the other side of the room still singing under his breath a little. virgil tiptoes into the room and calls 'roman? can i watch?'

theres no response so virgil takes a deep breath and tries to speak out 'ro? is it ok if i come in?' and he thought it was loud but clearly not because roman isnt even singing at full volume and he still doesnt react to him at all.

virgil actually feels that familiar anxious swirling of dread in his tummy now. he hates not being heard when he does want to speak and he hates that it always shocks someone and that they must think he's sneaking around on purpose.

he starts clawing and pulling at the hem of his skirt and tiptoes closer, only a few feet behind roman now. he tugs his sweater sleeves down and bites his lip. roman still doesnt notice him. virgil takes a shaky breath 'roman, please' and it was actually quieter because hes so nervous now of what will happen when roman hears him and sees he has come in without permission... he hates this.

roman still doesnt show any sign of knowing virgil is there... so virgil tentatively reaches up - his hand shaking - to poke romans shoulder with one finger. 'ro?' he whispers, hating that his voice trembles

roman screams and immediately jumps and spins around. 'dear f*cking zeus! Virgil what the f*ck!' he yells, eyes wide and almost angry

and virgil can't help it. the yelling shocked him so much and roman is so much bigger and towering over him and he looks angry and now vee is shaking and his vision is blurry with tears.

roman instantly backs down, the shock on his face melting to sympathy. 'ah sh*t, i'm sorry vee...' and he puts his palette and brush down and gently places his hands on virgils arms in an attempt to comfort him 'i didnt mean to yell, im sorry.' he says gently, rubbing his hands over virgils arms 'why didnt you tell me you were here, titch?'

'i d-did!' virgil cries, his voice thick with tears 'i tri-ied to - to talk and you didn't h-h--' he cuts himself off with a strangled cry. he's just as shocked as roman by how hard he's crying

roman feels awful and immediately pulls vee into a tight hug 'no no its okay vee, shh. im really sorry i didnt hear you'

vee just sniffles into romans chest and wraps his fingers in romans sweatshirt tightly. a cry comes out thats more like a little squeak and without realising it his thumb slips into his mouth

roman pulls back from the hug to see his little brother sucking his thumb. sometimes virgil sucks his thumb as an adult for comfort so he has to check 'vee, are you feeling tiny?'

vee doesnt really understand the question and tugs at romans sweatshirt and whines, looking up at him with wet pleading eyes

and roman feels his heart break a little. he feels so guilty that he apparently scared virgil into his regression.

'okay baby, here we go' he leans down to wrap his arms around virgils back and under his thighs and hoists virgil onto his hip. then he sighs 'let's go find your papa to change you'

'bipa?' vee squeaks through his remaining tears. he sniffles again and roman feels guilt wash over him again

'yeah, clever baby, papa's gonna get you a diaper' he whispers and wipes his thumb under vees eye to catch another falling tear

vee whimpers quietly and buries his face on romans shoulder so roman takes it as a prompt to start moving and carrying virgil out of his room to find patton

roman really would have liked for adult virgil to watch him paint but he thinks its all his fault for yelling that vee regressed from fear. so he decides painting can wait, he wants to make it up to his brother with lots of cuddes and playing games to make the baby giggle for the rest of the day

#do u know what time it is??#projection o clock babey!!!!#little/big concepts #little virgil #agere virgil #cg logan #cg patton #ts agere #sanders sides agere #swearing tw

87 notes · View notes

trying-my-best · 4 years

Text

Scp 035 x reader part 1

Life as a d-class wasn't that bad, at least it's not when you're good at talking your way out of situations. Although that might change sense the nerds decided to stop testing me on safe classes to keter classes.

Scp 035, knew nothing except that it was a mask. On the way to it's containment cell the scientist with me looked quite nervous.

"Ya alright there bud?"

He let out a shaken sigh and looked down before answering.

"This particular scp has been know to cause quite the chaos whenever it can. I'm afraid of seeing how this will unfold."

I gave him an understanding look.

"So how long will I last" I tried to sound playful.

Didn't get a response. Oh how reassuring.

Once we reached the cell I was shoved rather rudely into the room. Looking around, there was not much to look at. Middle of the room sat a table and 2 chairs. Walls were a dull shade of gray, rather depressing looking. Black ooze covered the floor around a box.

I walked over, mindful of the ooze, to get a look at the scp before it dose somthing. A tragedy mask laid upon it. Just a mask? Walking away I couldn't see anything else in the room out of the ordinary.

Suddenly I felt a tug at the back of my mind, like it wanted me to go back to the mask. I turned towards the glass between me and the nerds.

They looked very confused. This one is a keter right. I've been here for at least 15 minutes. Must take a while for the mask to do something.

One of the scientis was aggressively taking notes. I wonder what he was writing about. Not much was happening. I tapped on the glass to try and get their attention. The one taking notes looked up.

" so, what is it supposed to do?"

He looked shocked at my question, I guess I'm not supposed to survive this long.

"D-3567 how are you feeling" mr. note taker asked with a little shake to his voice.

"Confused?? I mean I've been here at least 15 minutes. Somthing gonna happen right?" I sounded more concerned than I would have liked. Cue more confused scientists, maybe even more confused than I.

Reapproaching the the mask I felt another tug at the back of my mind. As if something was happy to have me near the scp, or what I'm guessing is the scp.

Getting bored I grabbed one of the chairs near the table, I sat down in front of it. Studying the way the frowning mask seemed to study me back.

Forty five minutes later, I was pulled out of the cell and talked to the medical ward. I didn't feel like I needed to go but being followed by two armed guards, I didn't have anywhere else to go. I sat down on a chair in the waiting room and counted the seconds passing by.

"Welcome D-3567, how are you feeling?" A nurse said as he approached me.

" I'm feeling alright, am I supposed to feel like somethings wrong. I was in that cell for an hour."

"No, you're just the only one who didn't get possessed by scp 035."

So that's what it was trying to do.

" I did feel a tug at the back of my mind whenever I got near it, but that was all that happened."

He looked suprising, guess surviving was really all that of an impressive feat.

"Well, we're going to give you a psychological evaluation just to be sure and check your physical health. Then we'll send you back to your cell until they need you for another test."

After all that, they said I was ok and didn't have any problems from scp 035. Weird, guess the mask is just having a bad day with victims.

Once comfy in my cell, I thought about what happened, or well the lack of. Guess 035 is having a bad day. I rolled onto my side and tried to fall asleep.

*3rd person pov*

After D-3567 left, the scientis got a new d-class and decided to see if 035 was just having a bad day. 035 easily possessed the new d-class.

" where did that girl go? I want to know why I couldn't possess her." The mask asked angrily.

The scientis didn't know what to do. They didn't know why D-3567 was so resist, the mask clearly didn't know. The scientis quickly discussed possible reasons why the D-class wasn't possessed. The most popular was that she was just strong.

Scp 035 was getting impatient, they wanted to know why he had such a hard time possessing the D-class who was in their cell only 15 minutes ago. They knew they had at least some effect on her.

"Hey! Who was that girl?" The mask wanted an answer soon. They had never met someone so resilient like her.

The scientis turned back towards the mask.

"We dont know how she was so resilient towards you, but we will arrange a time where you can properly meet her."

The mask seemed content for the time being.

-------------------------------------------------------

891 words

Thank you for reading my first x reader! Sorry if there was any spelling mistakes

#scp 035 #scp #scp 035 x reader #scp fandom #scp x reader #scp fanfiction #x reader #scp foundation #secure contain protect

90 notes · View notes

vortomorto · 4 years

Note

not in any way excusing anything, but I did see in the yt comments that there were a good number saying “my submission was also hitler jokes, so sad it didn’t make it in” or “I submitted a nazi one but they only used my mine craft one” or sth. I really do think they could’ve picked better green screens to show, but I also think the fanbase has a good number of edgy “dark humour is my personality” straight boys. Which is sad bc the eboys r actually funny and don’t need to rely on edgelord humour

its not the first time they made edgy jokes though, the whole eboys channel is just them bluring things out.

youre right, their audience is straight white edgy dudes, and thats why they should be more careful with these jokes and not encourage it. maybe they should wonder why their white fans feel comfortable sending them jokes about hitler. while they arent directly responsible for their audience, they still influence them, whether they like it or not. each of them has at least 1 million subscribers, they have a huge amount of teens looking up to them.

the blatant misogyny and racism on british youtube has been there for too long. ksi gets called the n word in every one question go video and his audience laughs. elena bateman appeared in a callux/sdmn video and she got r*** threats because she.. talked? speaking of sidemen, the comment sections under their videos are always the most toxic ones. in the blind dating/tinder videos the girls appearing on them get so much hate.

back to the eboys, they always shift the blame to their viewers, dont they? i vaguely remember george making a video on someone and then the audience attacked them and george fully said he had nothing to do with it. he has 3.5(?) million subs, he knew damn well if he made a video on someone his audience would go over to their channel and send hate. and then everytime after that, whenever he made a video on someone he made a half assed disclaimer stating that he doesnt want his fans going over there.

personally, i dont care if someone makes edgy jokes. its not for me, but i just let it go bc i know its a lost cause. its the fact that they dont make their views clear and they dont take responsibility when they fuck up. millions of views means power, and as we all know, with great power comes great responsibility. the fact that their content attracts right wing white dudes means something, they just dont want to think of that something.

also, are we ever gonna talk about how they treated fraser, one of their loyal friends? this wasnt an edgy joke, this was something they did irl that affected an actual person, and their audience managed to gloss over that too. and then they, yet again, made edgy jokes about fraser on the channel and even made a "whos the fifth member of the eboys" video. gross. throw the whole channel away.

and ofc they probably said "we talked about it and its fine" but fraser is the one who has the least fans and he is the one who got screwed over, so its possible fraser just said a dry "its ok" and decided that it was just not worth it.

im mentioning fraser, because they did him dirty and its yet another thing that gets glossed over. while fraser wasnt my favourite, he was the only one who was actively talking about social issues, politics and his views. out of all of them, fraser is the least likely person to attract right wing members and he was the one that was left out. i dont know if it was bc they found him boring or annoying or bc he had less subs than everyone (i dont think thats the case), but they basically stole his idea.

its not a coincidence that alex gets the most shit, and its not bc of ***** (we can talk about That can of worms some other time). under the true geordie christmas podcast (the first one) you can see all the white dudes whining about alex. under every willne/memeulous video he appears in, you can always easily find ppl talking shit about him. this was happening even before *****, and every old imallexx stan can back me up on this. alex always got the most shit out of everyone. is it bc he wears pink? is it bc he is not masculine? is it bc he is bi? is it bc he talks more than their faves and they think he doesnt deserve it? (notice how they also had a problem with elena talking -- talking over straight white male comedians is a crime for them)

my point is, white edgy dudes tend to find a couple other white edgy dudes and just "gang together". these white boys project their beliefs on their favourite youtubers and assume that their faves have the same beliefs as them (even though, logically, we all know the eboys arent right wing members,they dont see it like that. they see white dudes joking about hitler).

what usually happens is that this fantasy of theirs starts to crumble. a beautiful example is idubbbz. his audience LOVED the fact that he said the n word, and the r slur, and the f slur, and all kinds of fucked up stuff. they worshipped him.

you know what happened? he found a girlfriend. they did NOT like her, at all. his gf decided to start an only fans. and suddenly, idubbbz wasnt the king anymore. he was just ian, a "simp".

as someone who reads the comments while watching videos i have noticed something. the dudes who talked about ian's gf talk the same way as the dudes talking about will's gf, mia. just something i noticed.

anyway, this reply is too long, im sorry... i just wanted to get some things off my chest and you gave an opportunity to do so. this isnt an attack towards you or anything like that, this was just me rambling.

english is not my first language and i havent proofread this so there are some mistakes in there. some things (fraser) werent really relevant, i just wanted to talk about them

28 notes · View notes

th3okamid3mon · 4 years

Text

JoJo Rabbit, a well thought and heart-wrenching satire [SPOILERS]

Even in a comedy you can´t help to cry, there´s no way you can talk about any war without crying or feeling such a deep horrible feeling of fear and distraught.

(I´m gonna be disclosing a lot of SPOILERS, which include the ending and several key points of the story.)

Sinopsis:

Johannes Breztel is a 10 year old german fanatic who wishes to become a good nazi soldier. He goes to a military camp where he has to learn everything you need to know about being a good soldier and make Hitler proud. JoJo, with his imaginary friend Adolf, began their adventure to becoming a better German for their homeland and fighting against the evil plaguing it: jews.

Writing and Characters:

I heard a lot about Taika Waititi, haven´t watch Ragnarok since I´m not exactly a huge fan on superhero movies (Watched most of the MCU movies mostly out of duty, in a ¨God, please just end it¨ kind of way. Loved Iron Man, hated the 3, Thor was boring, and etc, etc.), I heard how awesome he is, how good is he at also acting and such. This is a huge and great example for his brilliance to shine.

Every story about WW2 is really predictable, you know people are gonna die and people are gonna be miserable or happy at the end of the war. Waititi does a flip by using dark comedy and the perspective of a child, which a lot of people seem to not want due to how disturbing it can be (once you get all the comedy out of the way).

You follow Johannes ¨JoJo¨ Betzler, a 10 year old who is, as the character of Elsa says is:, ¨just a little boy playing to be a soldier with a funny costume trying to get in a club¨. We see he has blind devotion towards the evil Adolf Hitler and is really excited to participate in a training with the hopes of becoming a soldier or better yet, Hitler´s personal body guard. It is disturbing to think a young child, or any child by any means, want to become part on the worst human activity there is: war, and not only that, idolizes the worst and evilest bastard who could have ever been alive. Of course, JoJo is not good for war at all. No kid has the killing instinct in their blood, it´s not something you inherit its something they learn or, in this case, brainwash into believing. He gets into a hilariously portrayed accident that involved a hand bomb that exploded his left side.

His character is the most developed in the entire movie, we follow his steps, we see what he sees and we feel what he feels. His mother tried very hard to taught him how awful war was, he saw Elsa hidden in a tight spot where she had to keep quiet or she and the rest could get in serious trouble, he saw the military before and after going to war. He began to understand how awful can war be, but it wasn´t fully absorb until several traumatic events happened that no child ever had to see in their young life. It´s a very likable child, you are never angry at his devotion he was literally taught from infancy how he had to serve a dictator. The fault falls in the regimen, his actions, the things he does and acts are his only responsibility and thanks to his child innocence and wonder and compassion we know he is a good person in the inside just a bit confused.

Rosie Betzler. If you didn´t like Scarlett Johannson for his previews acting on the fucking MCU movies (like me, GOD I hated her), well I bet you are gonna like her in this one. I mean... SHE SMILES? WOW, DIDN´T KNEW SHE COULD DO THAT. Seriously, the directing in the heroes movies fucked her seriously. She is a brilliant actress and is so wonderfully funny in this one. A kind mother with brutal honesty trying to raise her now beloved child alone (since her husband is at war and her older child died from influenza, I didn´t exactly got that from the movie) while keeping certain secrets to keep him safe is hard enough, but during NAZI GERMANY while being part of the jewish resistance is IS ANOTHER LEVEL OF HARD, ITS LIKE NIGHTMARE MODE IN FUCKING OUTLAST. Badass character, keeping a balance between trying to make her child feel like a child and also keeping the orphan Elsa a secret. She didn´t had a huge development and she didn´t need one, we only needed to see what secrets she was hiding and damn... They cost a lot once you knew them all.

Elsa, brave and aggressive Elsa. Of course anyone would act the way she did if she had to be quiet to avoid being sent to a concentration camp. The girl has a lot of knowledge in popular culture, telling JoJo about different artists who, not only were writers or musicians, but also Jewish (to the dismay for poor, silly JoJo). She didn´t have a huge development, she begin to understand JoJo deeply as well as Rosie, since both where there for her (even if they had different and opposite motivations). Elsa is like an obstacle for JoJo except she doesn´t do much and wouldn´t do so if it meant putting herself at risk. We can see she is really brave once the Gestapo stop at their home, brave and smart that is. Without her quick thinking the movie would have ended then and there. I can´t imagine how deeply horrifying it would have been to do that and how awful and sad her life was after not only loosing her fiance to tuberculosis but also watching her family getting in a train and leaving to a place where no one returns. She acts aggressive and is harsh because she needs to survive and when she begins to trust JoJo, their bond become strong and deep and become like siblings.

Capitan Deertz is a very apathetic and silly capitan, the guy is really tired of the war and doesnt really want anything to do with the children at the camp, not because of a moral compass he just doesnt give a fuck. You get this character and you laugh at his commentary and at how Rosie can easily threaten him. And then you see more of his character, he seems to care at certain some points. He cares about Finkel, who is a second in command. Every time they appear in screen they are literally whispering stuff at each other or have certain looks, clearly a gay couple. At that time period it was EXTREMELY dangerous to show any type of love towards another man and this two werent that subtle about it but since they were high in command guess no one actually care or said anything (considering most of the people in their command were children, no one would probably even care). Finkel was just this goofy guy who follow Deertz and show a deep appreciation. Not the main thing to focus, it´s just there and it´s funny and its normal. They dont have to look or act in ¨gay way¨, they are just there and they do their work and such. Which is fine until you get the war scenes and then you want to bawl even more (Because when you get at the war scenes you already should have bawled your eyes out due to a lot of sad circumstances). He also cared about Rosie and JoJo, even when he seem not to. When he saw Gestapo in Rosie´s house he helped JoJo save Elsa and when he was trapped by the Allies he helped JoJo again by ripping a nazi jacket off of him and shoving him to the ground while screaming at him. General jerk is actually a caring character, cliche move but man, does it always fucking works.

The dialogues were impressively well thought, no one felt out of place and they made sense. The way they make fun of the whole blind fanatism and how the military views boys and girls it´s all in your face and its hilarious, it is presented as that so please no one start saying how sexist or how wrong it is for saying the things they say. It´s a SATIRE. It´s a MOVIE. ITS COMEDY.

I cannot thought of any kind of plothole, I´m sure it has or it probably has but the story is so well thought and so well acted you are absorb into it. Your whole attention is in what will happen next, the story of WW2 can be predictable, but this story is always at 2 steps of ripping your heart and then replacing it and hoping it pumps blood normally and when it does pump blood normally it rips it off again. It´s a rollercoaster, and it´s capturing. Your attention is in the story 100% of the time, and you gotta pay attention to the details because they foreshadow so much good and so much PAIN.

Directing and Acting:

I almost go off in the other section about Scarlett´s acting, now here it comes: MY GOD. I hated her so much in Avengers. The mot disliked character for me was her, and I always forget it was the directors fault. Here´s a note: When an actor acts bad, it´s not always, if not NEVER, their fault. Most of the time is the directors fault, you have to give straight and good orders and to maintain a communication with them if not the story falls. When Black Widow was shown in Iron Man, I was like ¨Wow, I like her! She is really good and badass!!¨ and then Avengers happened and it fucking fall all over the fucking lava floor. And IT WAS A FUCKING SHAME. Scarlett Johansson is a really good actress! She portrayed an excellent character, even if it was a minor character, she did it perfectly and shown so much emotion with the looks and the words she said and the actions she did. She was a mom in this movie, and it showed! THIS! THIS CHARACTER MADE ME LOVE JOHANSSON! Please dont go to shit directors ever again, my god. Avengers was a fucking toxic relationship and SHE GOT OUT AND SHE IS BRILLIANT.

Taika Waititi is such a great director, he really put his love and passion into this project and it shows. It bleeds passion, it fucking tastes passion. I dont understand, he needs more money to make more works. GIVE THIS MAN MORE MONEY.

The kids? Holy- How old are th- 12!?!?!?!? ROMAN GRIFFIN DAVIS WAS 12?!?!?! How old was- HIS SIBLINGS ALSO WORK IN THIS?! Ok how old is the othe- 11!?!?!??! ARCHIE YATES IS 11!??!?! Ok, as you can see, I am very impressed by this child actors. It can be a challenge to direct them because sometimes there are a lot of different needs they have and they also can´t work as much as the adults and such, this means there´s less time to work with them and maybe they have school and other child responsibilities. Waititi must have had a lot of patience and a really big understanding of their work hours, not over pressuring them and knowing how to explain the whole script. That doesn´t mean they dont have talent, though. This kids are EXTREMELY talented, they are funny and they show a lot of emotion, even when one is comic relief you can sense and see how exhausted he is while saying ¨I´m going to see my mom, I need a cuddle¨ LIKE... THIS ARE KIDS, THEY SHOULDNT BE AT WAR, WTF!?

The actors protrayed their respective characters in such a way, deeply understanding what emotions go in each scene and making the scene so heart wrenching.

[BIG SPOILER, SKIP IF YOU DON´T WANNA KNOW] There´s a scene I enjoyed a lot by how it is presented, it´s a good sequence and the punch hits you really hard. During the movie you can see a couple scenes where they only show Rosie´s feet, dancing or just moving while JoJo sees amused or not. Anyway, the scene I´m talking about is when he is following a really pretty blue butterfly that is flying at floors level. He walks towards it and smiles, he squats to take a better look at it before it flies away. And when he stands up again, he is next to a pair of legs, and not any legs, they have a specific kind of shoe, and they have a specific blue coat. Oh no. You dont have to see the face, there´s no need to see the face. You dont have to see the expression you only need to see JoJo. And this is where I have no idea how this kid did it, but his expression goes from wonder to horrifying sadness and desperation. I dont know what direction, what mental image did Waititi told him but he manage to portrayed a really raw and deep sadness and heartbreak you can only see in people who lost someone. And the kid is just holding his mother´s lifeless legs and crying and desperate trying to tie her shoelaces and then giving up and hugging her again. And then he is just broken, looking at her hanging with other people who might have been with her or not. The realization of how harsh the punishment is and how awful life is that day at that time. And he can´t believe it, he doesnt want to believe and maybe if he had acted differently she would have still been there but no. It wasn´t his fault, he had nothing to do with it. He later was explain what possibly happened. She was with the resistance, her husband was with the resistance in Italy. She was against nazi´s but she never told him to protect him and to protect herself. She sacrifice for other people, she put herself in danger for other people and for a better future for her son. JoJo wouldnt have known, he couldn´t know and now that he knew he just loved her so very much and it hurted him. It wasn´t the jews´ fault, it wasn´t his fault, it was the people of the regimen he was following, the regimen who promised a bright future for him and the other children.

Sound design:

It was delightful. Dialogues kept at their respective volumes, background noises were there and not overbearing, the sound of steps, something being dragged, the sound of bombs and artillery. Not a single time was any sound out of place, it was as if you were there, it immersive. The sound played a huge rolled into being capture in the story, with such detail at every sound that could be played at the scene. The silences where used perfectly, only backgrounds and atmospheric sounds plagued the scene, and when the moment hit you there was still no music until the realization was made. Perfect timing.

The soundtrack was beautiful, endearing and melancholic at their respective scenes. When there was music to dance on, the music played, when there was a hilarious montage the music exaggerates the ridiculous situation they are presented in. It was wonderful.

Art design:

They went all off!!! The clothes, the cars, the food, the plates, everything! I wonder how much investigation did they had to do to fully dress up an entire cast and also to do the little details. One thing is getting the clothes that, to be entirely fair, thanks to photos from those times and more investigation from books, you can figure out the type of clothes and materials they used, but the details from the streets, the kind of bikes and the inside of a house its an entire story:

Investigation is not entirely what you need to do, you have to consider what colors go well, what makes the character pop but also make sense, how the decor should be done and what kind of table and chairs are in a normal house. How do the hidden rooms worked and how where they hidden at plain sight, how do you make it work and how will it look. All has to be thought out, everything has to have a purpose, even the smallest change can be a whole new set. Make it look pretty but make sure it makes sense to the era.

Photography:

Let´s talk photography, shall we?

Look at how the colors vary, look at the highlights and shadows. Look at the saturated colors. I LOVE saturated colors, not many photographers used them out of fear, the colors can be very bright and distracting, but Mihai Mălaimare Jr. made it work! His shots are spectacular, they work perfectly to capture whats going on and how the characters feel.

JUST LOOK AT THE CONTRAST. In the first picture there´s a big open shot, both Rosie and JoJo are in the very left corner while you can see the bright green grass. They are free from everything when they are out of town, they can be happy or enjoy their time while being there, even if JoJo likes to pretend to be mature and to still want to be a soldier while his mother is trying to make him understand how life has to be enjoyed while it last and how war has ruin that for everyone, including the nazi germans. The second shot is at the town, look at how grayish it looks. Everyone is miserable. There´s no such thing as a good war, and whether you believe it or not, even the nazi germans were suffering, the ones who werent fighting were frighten to be attacked, hungry because the food was not enough or was given to the soldiers, no one was happy at that point in life. The color palettes help tell a story, and influence how you look at the lives of the characters. It´s visual storytelling and you can feel the fresh air, the relief from the first shot and then the limited, claustrophobic and fearful atmosphere from the second.

What a better representation of what war is. Kids going to get killed for an evil regimen disguised as the savior for their homeland. JoJo who finally sees that horrors of war, a kid who has lost so much now, who knows heartbreak but never fathom the idea of horrifying, raw, disturbing and sickening war is. How you loose more than you gain from fighting, how you see your friends being send like pigs to a slaughter, how the military blindly follows orders for a falling regimen. The look of utter disbelief and horror contrasting the he blind joy of dying for your country. This shot is everything and in motion is even more epic yet disturbing.

Conclusion:

I might be too blinded by how well it was made that I don´t see any problems in it. I would have to watch it again to see if there´s some inconsistencies but going by the first watch I have to say it was really good. The plot was understandable, it had high points and slow points, but those were well made. It was smooth how the story evolve, the turns were expected but maybe not in the way they were presented. What i mean is, it can be predictable but you dont expect HOW it is presented. With War stories death is at every corner, it´s the manner that you don´t expect or hope to happen to anyone. The acting was phenomenal, the star was totally Roman Griffin, all the actors were amazing but you gotta give the kid credit, THIS WAS HIS DEBUT and he NAILED IT!

By the looks of the trailer you expect so much and it gives you that and more. To the eyes is a delight, to the heart is a pain and comfort and to the ears is a melody. To the soul is a story that has to remind you history, war is not a good thing and so many people get more damage by it than saved. No kid should ever be put in that situation, and yet there are kids suffering in this world. This movie could potentially be an Anti-War movie, because it literally shows how awful it is. Wars are awful in general! It´s kind of ridiculous we need to be reminded of that but here we are.

We are shown a cruel environment with a humorous tone to get the message straight into our heads and it works perfectly. Give it 3 watches and then watch another 3 times, every time you feel like everything is going down, remember there´s still hope even in the darkest more horrifying places and times. We have the choice to make good, humans can be evil but can be extremely brave and compassionate. Never give up being a good person, it can be hard but it is more rewarding. People need kindness and compassion. We need to be those compassionate people for others. It always starts with one brave person.

The last thing you leave the theater is with a verse from Rainer Maria Rilke:

Let everything happen to you. Beauty and Terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.

Sincerely moved, T.O.D

PS: Fuck Hitler.

12 notes · View notes

thegeminisage · 5 years

Text

alright im about to watch 5.03 of merlin for the 2nd time ever

because if i dont do it now i may NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE

but first i wanna get out of the way that i thought merlin convincing arthur to keep the ban on magic in 5.05 because he was trying to thwart ~*~destiny~*~ or whatever is the laziest writing ever, it’s unsatisfying for the audience, it renders the rest of the last season utterly pointless, it’s unfair to merlin and arthur, and the tonal shift of the show from farting trolls in season 2 to full greek tragedy in season 5 was completely unwarranted and i feel TRICKED as a human person because i expected the end to be bittersweet and make me sad, not table-flipping angry, and i do not at all have high hopes for the finale

but i can ignore something having a “bad last five minutes” i did it for life is strange and final fantasy 13-2 i will do it for merlin but honestly

speaking on 5.03, after it was over the first time i was like “i can never write my fanfic now because nothing i ever do will be as good as that” but i’m really relieved in that way that that was apparently the last good episode of merlin because now i can continue my work in peace and maybe hopefully even actually finish it

okay commence the liveblog:

love that arthur and merlin are down to just jump off their horses whenever random women start screaming in the distance. season 5 could have been so good, they’re so much more grown up and in sync with one another, i absolutely LOVE their #vibe

it was interesting to me also that arthur DEMANDED a fair trial for this woman despite her being accused of sorcery. god, he was SO CLOSE?? that hatred of magic just can’t really take root in him especially with uther gone...arthur may be an asshole in the early seasons, and he may be quick to anger and quick to lash out in that anger, but it’s just not in him to be cruel, especially needlessly

EVEN THIS LADY IS LIKE “u showed kindness and compassion” arthur is a Good Boy deep down he is he IS he didn’t care a bit about that horn she gave him but still politely said it was beautiful

although lmao the way his face changed when she said it was magic...that’s the STUFF

lowkey losing it at athony head in the credits. i was looking to see if he’d be in the s5 ones since he’s dead and didn’t see him in 5.01 or 5.02 so when i DID see him in 5.03 i was like haha no way did they pay to put him in here i guess i just missed him the first couple of times BUT I WAS WRONG

like, in buffy, they spend an entire episode trying to decide whether or not to necromance their mom or whatever and she doesnt actually APPEAR IN THE EP they never SEE her i thought this would be an episode ABOUT uther i didn’t think uther would be IN it

love that from the get-go arthur’s face screams “i am thinking about making a terrible mistake” and merlin’s face is like “he is thinking about making a terrible mistake”

i’m quite proud of merlin in s5 actually. bad writing aside he uses multiple braincells many times per episode. it’s a vast improvement. same energy as clary from shadowhunters right down to getting shafted in his final season

ive said it before and ill say it again gwen looks SOOO GOOOOD as queen

if this is the anniversary of uther’s death then (if you go by 1 season = 1 year) arthur just turned 30...it’s been nine years and change since merlin met him, and by the end of season 5 it will have been an entire decade

in an otherwise increddibly heavy episode arthur panicking and throwing all the apples out of the bowl so he could cover the horn with it is absolutely priceless. season 5 if nothing else has really hammered home for me what a TERRIBLE liar arthur is - merlin got good at it fast out of necessity but arthur can’t hold a poker face to save his LIFE. “leave it.” “why??” “because i’m telling you to and i’m the king of camelot” buddy......

we were ROBBED. if there had ever been a day where arthur came to accept merlin’s magic but still had to help merlin hide it there could have been an entire episode of arthur nearly blowing merlin’s cover because he’s a nervous nelly and at the end he goes “i cant believe you have had to do this 24/7 for YEARS without a single friend to help you” and merlin goes “well now i have you” anyway.

i love also that repeatedly when arthur goes to do something scary by himself he also brings merlin. they LITERALLY are two halves of a whole

“you’re threatening me with a spoon??” i can’t tell you about the unfortunate fanfics i have seen involving The Spoon. i shall also not mention the ones involving The Glove. we will not speak of it

I CANNOT BELIEVE STONEHENGE IS IIN MERLIN. i got so agitated i did not pay one bit of attention to the conversation following its reveal and me and cathy and had to rewind so i could listen properly

my hate-on for stonehenge goes thusly: stonehenge apocalypse, starring misha collins, is @callowyn‘s favorite movie. i have seen it 45 times. i hate it nearly as much as she loves it. it’s an age-old battle

merlin is so intense when he looks for signs in arthur that he DOESN’T totally hate magic...arthur using magic to see his dad again is one of those signs. he’s willing to turn to it in desperation - maybe he’d be willing in less desperate times too

“my father was taken from me before his time” i mean...he was practically in a coma. so like. he wasn’t

love that when arthur mentions merlins dad ONCE he immediately looks like he’s about to cry. mood. i also want to cry every time i think about merlins dad

up until the moment i laid eyes on uther i was SURE they werent actually gonna do it. i came into this thinking it was a FLASHBACK EP

for the record (and believe me i NEVER thought i’d say this) even though i waited and waited for his demise and cheered when he was gona for good...i really missed uther in season 4. at least with uther you know what you’re getting. agravaine (his replacement as “evil guy who keeps us from being able to solve our problems too easily”) was a slimy cowardly CREEP. and in season 5 i WISH things were as simple as “work around uther’s pigheaded unreasonableness”

for a hot second i really thought uther and arthur would have a nice conversation where they reconciled or said something heartwarming. i was worried about an uther redemption arc - this guy is responsible for the genocide of magic users, he doesn’t deserve redemption - but this show said NOT TODAY and they said it QUICK

ARE

BLESSED

i have A LOT of issues with season 5 but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THIS WAS DADDY ISSUES 2.0 BROUGHT BACK FROM THE DEAD

repressed trauma returns: harder better faster stronger!! that’s the STUFF

was i not just speaking the other day on my fanfic ask meme about how i love emotionally intense stuff? this is IT babey

uther’s such a bad father! he’s with his only child again for the last time in ever and all he does is tear him a new one! this is why arthur’s such a fucked-up human being (morgana too)

i’m THRILLED we got to revisit this. his eyes get bigger and bigger and he starts fucking stammering and by the time uther’s done calling him weak and a failure he looks ready to CRY. i was HOLLERING. i still couldnt believe uther was even HERE and not only is he HERE he’s a WRECKING BALL

“this CAN’T be the last time i’ll ever see you” oh buddy you’re gonna wish it was

and he looks back, as he leaves. of COURSE he does. just like lot’s wife. so it goes.

you know how at the end of every supernatural episode sam and dean debrief and talk about their feelings in the car? for merlin and arthur it’s almost always done around a campfire at night - sometimes in arthur’s chambers or other places, but usually out here in the wilderness where it’s just the two of them. i’m...really going to miss it, when it’s gone.

“my father doesn’t approve of the way i’ve chosen to rule his kingdom” “you mean YOUR kingdom”

you know i don’t think i really got...like, fundamentally, on a deep level...that merlin fucking HATES uther

i’ve seen him save uther’s miserable life so many fucking times that i thought for merlin it was kind of the way it was with gwen - he feels nothing for him, but he looks after him for arthur’s sake (or as i came to understand later because he’s professor x about the whole thing)

but the way his expression got SO UGLY when arthur revealed that uther just shit-talked him the entire time...holy fuck

between that & some other stuff that happens later it really paints a clearer picture of like...uther’s dead so merlin doesn't have to hold back anymore and he FUCKING HATES HIM?? like obviously he SHOULD bu i just never SAW it before this. merlin LOATHES him. it’s INCREDIBLE to witness when he bore it so silently for so long. maybe even merlin didn’t realize just how much he hated him until now

and not to get too real here but if youve ever been friends with someone who had an abusive/toxic parent or was in an abusive/toxic relationship and you watch them feeling like shit after and they start making excuses for that asshole like “oh yeah he’s right about x” and you just want to find this horrible person and THROTTLE THEM that emotion is like ALL OVER merlin’s face rn. i didn’t actually seriously "”ship”” merlin and arthur until late season 4/early season 5 (i didnt like dislike it i just wasnt actively bothered by a lack of it) and what changed was this vibe. merlin wants to kill uther all over again just because he made arthur feel this way. he’s so fuckijng PROTECTIVE

and he still almost manages to drag a smile out of him via roasting, god bless these 2

ok so i didnt believe this show would actually DO THAT re: putting uther himself in this ep but i was doubly shocked by the fact that he HITCHED A RIDE AND GOT OUT

me shrieking during this entire poltergeist sequence: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HIM?? HOLY FUCK HE IS LITERALLY HAUNTING ARTHUR I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY’RE DOING THIS I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY’RE GIVING US THIS etc etc etc

actually most of that was probably muffled nonsense because i was yelling with both hands over my mouth

percival’s the realest motherfucker on this whole show. dude survives a murder attempt in which he got an AXE lobbed at him by the fucking GHOST of a power-mad genocidal king and he’s like: yeah idk i guess it fell

there was thunder in the bg for this WHOLE ep and i’m Big into it

absolutely CACKLING at the bit where merlin has to ask arthur if he looked back at uther’s spirit. it’s one of those nice big heavy questions - so heavy, in fact, that arthur can’t answer, can’t even LOOK at merlin, either because he’s ashamed or because he’s bugging out or both. you thought this shit was over? it’s never over! daddy issues are a lifelong ride, pal! arthur’s just get to haunt him literally this time. god it’s so fucking good

can i just say? merlin reads that damning silence reeeal well. and it’s a big, heavy thing to know about arthur - but then again he knows all the big heavy things about arthur

the score for this episode is really good too...very suspenseful and good, adds a lot to the atmosphere, keeps it from getting too slow

there’s a hint of merlin’s absolute HATRED of uther in this conversation again - the way his face tightens when he says “uther would do anything to protect his legacy and that makes him dangerous, who knows what he’s capable of now”

and arthur dismisses him because he can’t hear this but merlin almost refuses to leave - and when he DOES leave, he doesn’t take his eyes off arthur for one fucking second. he stares him down all the way out of the room. i don’t think it’s because he’s angry with arthur, per se - he’s angry with uther, and he knows uther in a way arthur never can or will, as someone ruthless who will kill without warning or remorse. he’s afraid of uther and he’s trying to get arthur to be afraid of uther too before it’s too late and LSDKFJGHSLDFJH

if you’re thinking “thats a lot to interpret from one look” yes it is but i’m right. IT’S A BIG, HEAVY LOOK. NICE AND LOADED. love unpacking all of that

i cant believe this dude tried to KILL GWEN like he really is coming after everything that makes arthur happy. im so glad it was merlin that saved her. i really do think merlin is her best friend

multiple times in this serious arthur fidgets when he’s nervous or thinking, usually with his hands near his mouth. i am endeared to him. my poor boy

“i always knew my father could be cruel but why would he do this to gwen when he knows i love her” BECAUSE HE’S CRUEL

merlin knows. merlin knows his cruelty much better than arthur. boy does he know. i’m dying. it’s fine

love that at this part of the ep we slide seamlessly into the “merlin and arthur are both scared shitless” section which was truly one of my favorite things about the s4 opener. they’re both so fucking jumpy and giving each other shit about being frightened and continuing to be frightened anyway. the DELICIOUS IRONY of arthur finally being scared of uther in the way merlin has been scared of uther for Y E A R S oh my god it’s so GOOD

do also love the entire silent conversation they have when deciding what to do about the door. this is what i mean by their upgraded vibe.l in the early seasons merlin wouldn’t have understood and his lack of understanding would have been played for laughs. now they’re totally in sync

here’s the thing, gaius could have made this magic “able to see uther’s ghost” potion for just arthur and he didn’t. he made it for both of them. everything arthur does merlin does. they’re partners in all things. they’re COMPANIONS. and this is why i finally now Ship It. tragic.

you know this is a kind of weird comparison but late seasons arthur reminds me JUST a bit of gwaine. he complains so much less that he sort of has that same “roll with whatever” vibe to him. pretend to faint so you can steal some guy’s dagger? why not. take this foul potion that may kill us? sure, let’s do it. come what may he’s not really fussed. much more unflappable

until he starts getting spooked again LMFAO

we do love a good pair of spooked dumbasses. this is charming and entertaining.

leon HAD to know they were lying about poetry. he probably thought they were having.......a tryst,

love also that even in this very dire moment merlin does NOT miss the chance to have some fun at arthur’s expense. that’s true friendship

i got jumpscared three separate times during this ep and one of them was when uther was glaring down merlin and arthur in the hallway after leon left

arthur didn’t jump but he did go hunting after him and to his credit he does not look scared. he looks like a man who is trying to deal with his business and get his shit together

merlin made that FACE again when arthur expressed sadness at hunting his own father because all he ever wanted to DO was make him proud

honestly it’s like since he can’t shit-talk uther he just sings arthur’s praises instead like this here is a guy who is just barely holding his tongue about how fuckin pissed he is. i cant believe it

splitting up was the WORST idea. have they not seen scooby doo??

love that when merlin gets cornered by uther’s ghost and gets scared he yells for arthur and when arthur gets scared because his torch blows out he yells for merlin. you fools, why did you SPLIT UP

uther locks arthur in the room with him, which is already some top tier content, but doubly good? it’s the same room in which arthur nearly ran him through in 2.08. don’t think i didn’t notice. i did notice. i was shrieking into my hands.

seriously this is a pretty calm liveblog but the first time i watched this ep my face was like this the whole time: O O

just kept going “HOLY FUCK HOLY FUCK OH MY GOD” over and over. it was greeat

“arthur your fatal flaw is that you put too much trust in other people” do you think arthur, who now has a complex about people betraying him, ever forgot that for one second in his entire life afterward? me neither

speaking of 2.08 arthur dropped some FACTS “your hatred comes from fear” i'm sure they didn’t do it on purpose but #throwbacks

i’m fully experiencing human emotion. “i’m not you, i can’t rule like you did” he’s trying SO HARD to fight his way out of that bullshit

also lmao arthur like “then you’ll have to kill me” and uther like “yeah okay” arthur didn’t KNOW how this man was this could have been SUCH a good awakening

AND NOW IT’S TIME

FOR MY FAVORITE PART OF THIS EPISODE

when i say merlin hates uther. WHEN I SAY MERLIN H A T E S UTHER

HIS LINE HERE. ok. “get away from him, uther. you’ve caused enough harm” he’s furious! he’s GROWLING!

“you are just a serving boy” “i am much more than that” listen. human words cannot express the emotion that ran through me. when they said “we’re gonna bring back anthony head as uther” i doubted. when they said “he’s gonna be the bad guy and reopen all of arthur’s old wounds” i doubted. when they said “he’s still here LITERALLY haunting arthur who now has to HUNT HIM” I DOUBTED. i didn’t believe they’d do any of it until it was happening on my screen. but ONE LOOK at merlins face made a MOTHERFUCKING BELIEVER out of me. i knew exactly what he was about to do. pretty sure i gasped “NO” in astonishment

AND HE DID THAT

HE👏

DID👏

THAT👏

NOT ONLY. DID I SHRIEK ALOUD. FULL SCREAM. WHEN IT HAPPENED THE FIRST TIME. BUT JUST NOW. WHEN I WATCHED HIM DO IT AGAIN. MORE SCREAMING.

how LONG do you think merlin had ACHED to do that

to show himself to uther for what he was, what he REALLY WAS, someone to be reckoned with instead of someone to be overlookedd, without fear of consequences

i can’t even like

like just imagine the triple rush of 1. satisfaction 2. rage 3. lingering habitual terror

i think at this moment merlin was closer to and more like morgana than he had ever been and maybe ever will be again. because the two of them have so much in common but one thing i didn’t really clock until now is how much they both hate uther

it’s so good. uther is SHOCKED and DISMAYED and this is like merlin’s old fear come back from death too (getting found out by uther) while at the same time being a dream come true (getting to tell uther what he really thinks, who he really is - “i was BORN with it!”) he’s so ANGRY! he is LIVID!)

he’s also really SATISFIED like “even while you were king there was magic at the heart of camelot” GOD how long has he been WAITING for this and not even realized it

and like then uther starts spewing his hateful bullshit and stalking forward with the intent to kill and my guy merlin who should be terrified STANDS HIS MOTHERFUCKING GROUND and says right over him “you’re wrong, you’re wrong” for thirty beautiful seconds merlin really got to be free. i know i will keep comparing things to 2.08 until i die but it’s just like when arthur was almost ready to kill uther in cold blood because for one perfect, brilliant moment he really and truly saw clearly the world as it was. i really love these moments...the strength of their respective convictions is so gratifying

merlin yeeting uther through a door is also gratifying although i have no idea what he hoped to accomplish by following without waking arthur first

i. LOVE. that the camera lingered a little on the spears or whatever after merlin walked by them. nice little foreshadowing moment

THOSE SPEARS GOT AWFULLY CLOSE BUT IM PRETTY SURE UTHER MISSED ON PURPOSE BECAUSE HE WANTED TO TAKE HIS TIME. HIS MISTAKE

okay merlin spent the better part of a lifetime dreading uther’s death sentence and here’s uther stalking down a hallway sword pointed at his chest and certain death is IMMINENT and what does merlin’s face look like?

arthur comes in with the rescue and INSTANTLY his expression changes to?

IT’S BETTER IN MOTION BUT HE LOOKS READY TO CRY

my immediate thought: oh jesus what if uther outs him

i knew he wouldnt bc of spoilers but i would bet a benjamin that that was merlin’s first thought too

tbh. i wish he had.

i kind of wonder if merlin doesn’t wish the same thing. like yes being outed like that is terribly violating and he’s terrified of telling arthur obviously or he would have already but at the same time there would be so much relief once it was finally out. no more secret-keeping. no more burden

i mean, if you go back and watch it, dude’s straight up shaking. he’s trembling all over. he’s losing it. that last teary glance they exchanged.......

uther was two SYLLABLES away from blowing the whole thing

and in a better happier canon where arthur knows and was waiting for merlin to tell him this is like double angst because uther wouldve ben blowing something for them both

i like arthurs followup of realizing that he’ll never be able to please uther (step 1 of breaking away from the cycle of abuse) but for the LIFE OF ME

i will NEVER be able to understand why they segued into this GLOVE THING

i’m not talking about the glove thing

i will say however that by the end of this episode i was so hysterical i had to get up and get water and pace around my kitchen for ten minutes fanning my own face

and that’s it. that’s the second-best episode of merlin and the last good episode there ever was

#personal #merlin blogging #it took me three and a half hours to rewatch this episode because i kept pausing to scream #MERLIN DESERVES TO BE OUT TO EVERYONE ALL THE TIME it's not FAIR #that episode deserved to be 20 minutes longer it ended too soon #in a happier world arthur found out about the magic and immediately took merlin's side and defended him against the genocidal maniac but app #apparently this show is a greek tragedy now

2 notes · View notes

hamelaisley · 4 years

Text

prague...dedicated to becky

PRAGUE

Chapter 1

"we could run..........you and me. we could go now and never look back"

"are you serious???"

"i have money saved up josh. i could get us new identities. create a escape route. for now just keep up appearances.........,go to berlin like were gonna shoot. well leave to go to prague from there"

"what are you saying jen?????"

"im saying i wanna be a real person again........with you. thats what you want right???? i mean this is it josh. will you run away with me????"

-XX-

"aaaaaand action!!!!" yelled francis lawrence.

any other time this would have been joshs idea of heaven. working with his friend all day. but now.... it was just really awkward and he couldnt wait until the wrap.

josh started to mumble his lines but was cut off by jen.

"im really sorry francis but........i cant do this right now......." she said and then walked off to her trailer.

it had been like this ever sense....ever sense prague.......

-XX-

josh walked up to the train platform trying to find jen. suddenly he saw her standing with a suitcase and wearing a red jacket with cute black heels on. she spotted him and immediately smiled at him. he walked over to her.

"hey!!!!! i was starting to think you werent coming!!!" she said.

josh looked down at his shoes. jen didnt notice or care. jen pulled a folder out of her purse.

"k so here are our new identities. for now on your name is thomas campbell and mine is elle sinclair. we can talk about there back stories or whatever on the train ride to prague" she said.

"jen........." josh said.

"oh dont worry about the ride......... its only a hour long and if your bored you have me to talk to" she said.

"jen i.......i dont think we should do this........."

jen looked kinda confused.

"what do you mean?????"

"i mean we..... we made a promise that we would make these movies. we have a responsibility to the fans and everyone in the movie to finish it.... this is our life jen. this fairytale about running away is nice but this is where we belong. in hollywood. living our real lives....."

"josh its not that simple....... you dont understand but everything here is fake.....but this" she said and grabbed josh's hand. ".....this is simple. this is our real life. we have to go josh...... are you coming????? please come with me josh....."

josh paused and let go of jen's hand.

"i cant......im sorry........"

-XX-

josh walked up to jen's trailer and knocked.

"jen its me.....please let me in........"

"josh no. i dont want to talk to you now"

josh could tell she was crying.

"jen......."

"go away!!!!!"

josh leaned against the door and felt a single tear on his cheek.

"ok" he whispered.

Chapter 2

things were awkward on set. jen was avoiding josh and it was making him feel awful and lonely. he was always talking and laughing with her and now that he wasnt he felt empty and hurt. he hated being alone because then your forced into listening to your own thoughts instead of someone elses voice. god he couldnt wait for this to end.

but.......but what if this awkwardness never ended?? what if jen never forgave him???

he stared at the script in his hands. he was trying to memorize his lines because he had to and to distract himself from the situation with jen. it wasnt really working. he looked out the window of his trailer and saw jen in her own trailer looking straight at him. but when she saw that he saw her she looked away.

josh threw the papers on the ground frustratedly. he needed to talk to jen. even if she didnt want to talk to him. fuck, hed tie her up and force her to listen if thats what it took.

he walked out the door and to jen's trailer. he knocked and waited for her to answer nervous that she wouldnt. but she did. thank GOD thought josh.

"hey" jen said not looking at him. she was wearing a pretty white dress that would probably blow in the wind if it was windy. it reminded josh of the first time he saw jen.

-XX-

he put some cologne on his wrists and pulled on the jacket he was wearing. then he looked in the mirror and fixed his hair. he felt like a girl but he wanted to look perfect before meeting his co-star jennifer lawrence. they talked on the phone a few days ago and he has instantly fell in love with her. she was so funny and comfortable with who she was. and josh knew she was gorgeous. he saw her at the oscars when she was nominated for winters bone. she was irresistible to josh even though he didnt meet her in person yet. but that was going to change in a few minutes if josh didnt die from his heart beating so fast that it fell out of his chest.

he looked at his watch and took a deep breath. if he didnt leave now he was gonna be late.

he left his house and got into his car and drove to jen's house. when he got there he couldnt help but laugh at the garden nomes in the yard of her house. they were cute just like her.

josh wiped his sweaty hands in his pants and rang the door bell. jen answered.

joshs mouth went dry when he saw her. even though she was wearing a super simple white dress she was still breathtaking stunning. her eyes were the bluest blue josh had ever seen. her lips were full. her cheeks were pink like she ran to the door or something, and she had a cute button nose. jen smiles and you could see her dimples.

"well what are you waiting for silly!!!!! come in the damn house its frickin cold outside hahah" she said.

josh did as was told and went Ito her house. suddenly he stopped and just looked at her. he didnt think it was possible to be more attracted to this girl but that was before he saw her in person. it was love at first sight for him.

oh god josh thought im inlove with a girl and i dont even know her full name.....

"uh.....jen???"

"thats mizz lawrence to you" she joked.

he laughed. "k so this is kinda super weird but i was wondering........ can you tell me your middle name????"

she looked at him silently for a few seconds before saying something. "shrader. my middle name is shrader" she said.

"jennifer shrader lawrence" josh said. and it was the most beautiul name hed ever heard.

-XX-

"hey......can i come in????" josh asked. jen nodded her head "yes" so josh went in.

"look josh about the other day........"

"its ok jen. really its fine like dont worry about it" josh said.

"i just really miss you so much. what happened in prague......im so sorry jennifer for hurting you. i didnt mean to hurt you. and i want us to go back to the way things were. please????? i dont wanna loose you.......... i love you"

"josh.........."

josh cut her off as he leaned forward and kissed her. to his disappointment though, she pulled away after a few seconds.

"josh..........we need to break up."

Chapter 3

"josh..........we need to break up."

out of all the things josh thought jen would say that did not even make the list. he expected that theyd need to talk some things out but.........

"....i....jen what?"

"josh its.....please dont look at me like that....i just think that were not the same people we were when we first fell in love.....i dont want to ruin our friendship"

she was right about one thing. they werent the same people they were when they first fell in love. the old jen would never do something like this to him.

-XX-

"oh you can do better than that!!!" jen yelled at josh as she flew through the air. josh laughed and pushed her back harder. his arms were getting kinda sore. who knew that pushing someone on a swing could be so much work??

"jen my arms are tired." he complained. "im gonna take a break"

"your WEAK JOSH HUTCHERSON. YOUR FUCKING WEAK!!!"

"well not all of us can be nicholas fucking hoult jen. maybe you should call him so that he can come push you" he said. but right after he said it he wished he didnt. it wasnt fair to jen. she didnt know how much it hurt him to see her with nick. and even if she did he didnt have a right to be mad. it wasnt her fault that she loved nick and not him.

"look jen im sorry" he shouted up to her. she ignored him.

he stepped back away from the swing and sat down. he watched her for a little while until suddenly jen let go of the swing and literally went flying through the air. he knew she did it on purpose because she was laughing like an idiot the whole way until she hit the mulch. but even then she was still laughing. josh ran over to her to make sure she was okay. her knees were scraped and her hair was messed up and had pieces of mulch stuck in it.

"i wanted to come sit with you but i didnt want to do the whole slowing down thing normal people do when there done swinging" she told him.

josh rolled his eyes and laughed.

"god dammit jen!!! you know i love you but you can be such an airhead sometimes!!!" he laughed. jen didnt. she stared up at him and met his eyes.

"you love me????"

josh started to panic. did he say that out loud???

"josh....do you???? love me????"

he couldnt tell if she was kidding or not. he could easily get himself out of this one. of course he loved jen. she was his best friend!!! but for some reason he didnt want to get out of anything. he wanted to tell her. there. in the hawaiian park under spring clouds.

"i.......jennifer how could i not??? ive loved you ever sense that very first phone call. sense i very first saw you. ive loved you every time weve laughed and every time weve fought. i loved you when you had a boyfriend and i loved you when i had a girlfriend. ive loved you during my proudest moments and my weakest moments. ive loved you during nothings and somethings and everything in between. so yes jennifer i love you. ive been hopelessly inlove with the girl in the white dress from the very beginning and will be right up until the end."

jen didnt say anything for a while. instead she just took his hands in hers and leaned into him so that there faces were pretty much touching. josh fought the desire to just lean forward and take those perfect lips into his own.

finally she said something. "so you DO remember what color dress i was wearing when we met!!!"

josh smiled. of course thats what she got from that.

"ya i guess i do"

"josh??"

"ya????"

"we broke up. me and nick"

josh tried not to look excited. not that he really was. he was just worried about jen.

"why would he break up with you??? your the most perfect girl in the world and if he doesnt see that then he doesnt deserve you!!!!"

"i broke up with him josh...."

"what???? why???"

"because i love you too"

and then like belle and her beast there lips met taking away the beast and leaving only a prince.

-XX-

"jen thats bullshit and you know it....." josh said to her. "you know i hate being lied to......why dont you just tell me the real reason???"

jen sighed not looking him in the eye.

"josh after prague i.....was hurt. you hurt me when you said no. it made me feel like you didnt love me and i......called someone who i knew still loved me....."

"huh??? who???"

"josh.....i called nick"

Chapter 4

"josh.....i called nick. okay?!? i called nick and one thing led to another and we decided to give our relationship another chance. im sorry josh. i didnt mean to hurt you......."

josh felt his eyes start to sting with salty tears. how could she do this to him???

"did you screw him???"

"what??"

"i said....did you screw him"

"josh......."

"answer me"

".....yes. but josh you need to understand that you hurt me....."

he didnt hear anything that she said after that. her lips were moving but there was no sound. he stared straight through her.

"josh........josh please say something......."

"you.....jen you *cheated* on me??" josh asked.

"it....we were on a break and i was hurting josh you need to know that please know that"

josh fell out of his daze after hearing that.

"god jennifer you are so full of shit"

"uh excuse me?????"

"and to think i actually felt bad about prague.... i called you 273 times after that jennifer. you didnt answer 273 times. and it turns out that was because you were too busy sleeping with someone else????"

"thats not fair-"

"actually i think it's perfectly fucking fair jennifer. god i worked my ASS off for this relationship. i felt guilty for those whole three months we didnt talk. i missed you. i just wanted to make things better and i was stupid enough to think that you wanted that too!! god im such a idiot!!!"

jen was mad.

"how dare you say that stuff to me??? do you think it was easy for me to not talk to you for three months??!?!" she yelled.

"well after what you just told me ya i do!!" he shouted.

"i thought we were taking a break!!!"

"you know what??? fuck our friendship. you fucking disgust me and i dont want anything to do with you. not anymore"

jen didnt say anything.

josh stormed out of the trailer taking jens silence as his time to leave.

-XX-

"jennifer.....im so sorry. i was scared. scared to leave behind the life ive worked for my whole life. im a coward and im sorry. i shouldnt have left you in prague. i love you"

"i know that your mad and hurt and i know that i made you feel like that and im sorry im so fucking sorry. i love you jennifer"

"its been a week now......jen your scaring me. im worried about you.....please call me so i know that your ok??"

"jen im going crazy here.....its been a month sense i last kissed you......touched you......or fucking saw you...... i know your ignoring me but..... stop ok?? i miss you"

"jen......the decision that i made in prague. i know what it looks like. i know that it looks like i chose being an actor over.......over being with you. but thats not what happened. how i feel about you is real. very very real. and i know that you know how ive felt about you for a long time..... i told you.....we told each other and......and.........look jen i know that i probably hurt you. your probably hurt that i didnt run away with you in prague........but jen......i love you. i love you and i cant live without you. so.......please call me back"

the smell of pool water and listening to his voicemails was making jen feel dizzy. she held the phone to her ear and tried not to cry. but what she and josh had.......it was over now. she was never going to let herself get hurt like that again. she was stupid to think that josh would ever run away with her. her fairytale of running away from the fame and getting married and having kids and just living.......it was never gonna happen. and part of her knew she knew it wouldnt happen before this but that didnt make it hurt less.

she took the phone away from her head and looked at it one more time before she threw it into the pool.

"hey babe who was that???" nick asked.

"no one" she said. she leaned down and kissed nick on the ear. "absolutely no one"

Chapter 5

josh was so mad at jen he didnt even know what to do. the only thing he knew was that he had to get out of here before he exploded. so he went to the only place he could think of.

"oh hi josh" jena malone said when she saw it was josh who knocked on her trailer door.

"hi jena" josh said. jena opened the door a little bit more. he didnt move.

"well what are you waiting for silly!!!!"

josh felt like he was gonna throw up when she said that. even though jena didnt know that that was what jen had said to him when they first met didnt mean it didnt bother him a lot.

"i.....actually was wondering if i could maybe......take you out tonight??"

she smiled when he said that.

"ya id love to!! just let me get my purse and we can go k??"

"ya sounds good"

-XX-

"josh??? what are you doing here??? its midnight!!!" jen said after she opened her hotel door to see josh standing there with daisies.

"tonights our last night in hawaii" he said.

"ya so we should be sleeping because getting back to LA is gonna take forever"

"no.....we should be walking to the picnic i set up on the beach for us so that we can sleep on the plane" josh said. he took a purple daisy and put it in jen's hair. after that he gave her them.

jen smiled. "alright lead me to it"

they walked down to the beach holding hands. josh loved holding her hand. it made him feel so connected to her.

"oh my god josh this is awesome!!!!!" jen said when she saw joshs picnic.

they sat down and started to eat. jen looked up at the night sky. the moon was full and reflecting on the ocean.

"this is the most beautiful thing ive ever seen" she said. she was looking at the full moon.

"sure is" josh said. he was looking at jen.

-XX-

"so where are we gonna go????" asked jena. they were in joshs car.

"lou's" he said.

"whats that????"

"a club"

"oh fun"

on the drive there joshs phone started buzzing and didnt stop.

"sheesh!!! someone must really wanna talk to you!!!" jena joked.

"huh....weird" josh said.

when they got to the club josh checked his phone"

37 missed calls from Jennifer Lawrence and 37 new voicemails. his phone started buzzing again.

josh glared at his phone before turning it off. screw her josh thought.

josh went inside the club and saw that jena had already ordered them some drinks.

"just a few shots" she said. josh smiled. this was just what he needed to get his mind off jennifer shrader lawrence.

it got later and josh and jena got more drunk. they decided to go dance on the dance floor.

josh watched jena dance and realized how pretty she was. he never thought about jena like that before because he was too busy thinking about jen like that. he got close to her and started to dance with her.

"you are so gorgeous" he said. she laughed.

"your not do bad yourself handsome" she said.

josh leaned in and kiss jena. he pulled her waist closer to him and she put her hands around his neck.

"do you wanna come home with me???" josh asked.

"yeah but were gonna have to wait because were both to drunk to drive" she said. "lets see i called her like 20 minutes ago to come get us so.... oh there she is!!!!"

josh turned around to see who jena was talking about.

standing there was jen with tears on her cheeks. she looked at him and ran to the clubs bathroom.

"whats her deal....." jena laughed.

josh didnt care about jen anymore. he couldnt care about her. and besides what right does she have being hurt when she was the one who cheated on him?!?

josh smiled at jena and kissed her again.

with each second he kissed jena he could feel himself thinking less about jen.

this was just what he needed.

1 note · View note

iwritetohelpdestressmyself-blog · 5 years

Text

Scene; Library

The girl who comes to meet hhim at the same library every saturday morning at 9:45 am is 23 years younger than him. They started this freindship a few weeks ago, they tumbled into each others lives.

He was a 38 year old man with an unknowingly failing marriage and the same goes for his career. He comes to the library to find peace and quiet, and find comfort among the books. He is a teacher and teaches at a private catholic highschool a few miles away. This is a main library and a big librarby would be a understatement.

The girl comes to the library to find peace and quiet. She enjoys the smell of a book and likes how you can get a cup of whipped cream for 0.75 cents in the cafe on the main floor. She comes to the library on the bus and finishes her homework, watches films, and reads book to escape the inpending reality that she isn’t ready for life. She has the necessary skills to live independently but she dosen’t have a career plan or a career, because honestly that bores the fuck out of her. The library is the escape form school, home, and all the other bs in her life that results in alot of stress and freakouts between her and her mom. She has a big family and is expected to do things that a traditional woman should.

They tumbled into each others life as if it were meant to happen, for a couple weeks he and her timidly spied on each other . She would take a peak then roll to the next bookcase as if she were a spy on a secret mission. He would spot her alone on the cafe patio, she was listening to music while drinking coffee and reading a book.

They started talking to each other when the girls friends older sister wanted the mans phone number. Like a fucking robot she took action, she swiftly left and approached him (like how alysssa did to james in the end of the f***ing world). She asked him now his day was, and is the seat was taken, She took a glance at the group of her friends at the window behind the bushes. He was grading papers.

Before she could explain her situation he dismissed her and asked is she was partaking in some kind of dare, a teenager game. She said no and unknowingly took offense. He seemed like a strong moral man he was tall, but his eyes and soul seemed sad. He was like a moutain. He appeared big like a moutain, but he fell short in some areas that were important. He has erosion, cliffs about to fall, huge rocks on the edge. He may appear a big one, but he is hollow and lets the river affect him immensly, he could easily tip and crash.

She found the same thing in her mother, yet she wasn’t as affected by those around her.

She ended up changing the subject to the papers he was grading, and his day, on any normal occasion he would have said no or how he was too busy for this but ... he needed any social time he could get.

Him and his wife had recently had a child, he was 2 years old. Slowly they are relizing how wrong they were. They rushed themselves, they loved each other immensly, they had this fire in them, but like all matches they burnt out. They rushed this idea of having child like it was theirs, they thought it was their idea, but it was their parents and no he feels like he can’t escape becuse now he was a child. He wife is starting to grow bitter, she drinks a bit more and goes out a bit more everyday. Once he husband starts to talk about the girl he met at the library midway throught the story she grows jealous.

She grows on him , and this sprouts a friendship between the two of them. They read passages of books they find intriging to another. He likes her personality because she is like a foutain of youth and makes him forget that he has as much responsibilities. They both escape through the library. She like his company, beacuse he dosen’t have raging hormones like the boys at her school, the man respects her , askes about her day and he is like a bridge to her. The man is like a bridge from adolessent to adulthood. He is her light in the dark, and she is like his personal foutain of youth . This platonic relationship of friendship is showing how both generations can benefit form one another.

She shows him funny dance moves and memes, tiktoks, and dont laugh comps. He tells her stories of his past, and wisdom by giving her advice on her weekly dilemas. They always have something to give one another on each session they have, its like a weird ass therapy session in a way. They help one another, its like a friendship at first, then evolves into a father daughter one in time.

I want there to be a scence where both of their families are affected by their friendship. Shes affected hes effected. Her live becomes better, becauses he sometimes gives her his bus cards, so she can afford other things. One night he allows her and her siblllings to crash on his couch and living room, beause they don’t feel welcomed in their own.

He is effected me their friend ship, because he finally realizes how toxic his family is and how manipulative, and angry they made him. He buried his past, but now his coming out from the dead and pullling him into hell. At first its as if the girl turned his life to hell, but its his awarness that does, He was never suspicous of his family, he didn’t question his mother, his siblings or his wife for that matter. I want to do a scene where he relizes how fucked up his family is .

A pool scene, where his older brother says a dirty joke about the girl, and his wife begans to degrade her while on her last glass of wine. This automatically esccalates. The kids started to stay at his place during the school break. The girl feels like she has more control in her life. and the man feel like his life and barely begun. He feels anxious on how to live out his life now with his child, but they have their friendship of a lifetime and this lasts throughout all the hardship they face.

I want them to be in a scene like the one in GoodWill Hunting where the professer asks if hes ok and increases the intensity by taking a step forward and repeating the phrases. By the time that the distance is closed he is crying on hsi shoulder and asking why was he treated like he was and old wounds open up and shows his vunerbility and emotional side.

As children were encouraged to not show emotion and this rips us form our true nature and leaves us bottled up for our whole lives. In a scene live this i want it to delicate that descend to heartbreak and sadness. I want there to a switch in the power dynamic, i want to shed the curtain of toxic masculinity, he dosen’t want to become his brother or his dad. He was shed of emotion at a young age and has kept it bottled up for years. He falls to his knees and lets the old wounds come out and cries, he just cries his heart out. He only cries with this girl because she has no expectations of him, she creates a safe place for him, she allows him feel vunerable.

She acts like a mother to him, by creating a safe place for him and giving him her shoulder. She dosen’t want to become like her mother so she has more qualities than most kids her age have. She wants to be the person she needs when she was younger.

And he acts like a father to her, he helps her feel protected, secure, powerful. He makes her feel like she can rely on a person, he tells her its gonna be alright. He get her food and helpe her sibllings. He helps ehr grow her character and tell her anout kids these days and what it means to be a actual person.

1 note · View note

thenervousmedic · 6 years

Text

A coffee a day... (Connor x Reader)

Note: I’m trying, I’m getting better! I think... This one hit 3k words ^.^ I hope it’s not too bad-

Summary: Several armed hostage situations happened almost simultaneously. After interrogating the shooter, Connor visits you in the hospital but struggles with your logic.

A coffee a day- Chapter 3: Questions and leads

Dark clouds gently enveloped the sky in slow dancing swirls, the distant wails of an ambulance trailing its way off into the distance.

“Connor.” An assertive tone jerked the zoned out investigator back to reality, the hazed over look in his optics fading away as Hank places a hand stiffly onto his jacket. He was so out of it right now, a strange problem to have with someone who normally never missed a single detail. He growled, unsure whether to be strict or sarcastic, waving a hand across the scene. “The assailant, think you can reactivate ‘em, get some answers?” With a swift scan, the LED on Connor’s temple blinking yellow as it refined the data, logging the Deviant’s model number and identity. “Maybe-” Registered name : Harvey. An AP700, a very recent model, currently at the front of every good Cyberlife store as the best household assistant available. He was only bought a little over a week ago. The shots you had fired into its chest region had hit his therium pump- effectively cutting off the circulation of the blueblood to the biomechanics within seconds. The holes were pristine, almost perfectly aimed to take out a dangerous target at close range. Had the bullet strayed inches to the left or right it would only have severed the main artery tubes- allowing time for the AP700 to retaliate or flee before deactivating. Though that didn't matter much now. The damage had already been done before you could properly secure the gun. Why would you do that, that was so stupid! It wasn’t fair that you got shot instead of him. He's easily repaired, replaced, he’s expendable. You are not. Connor should have foreseen those events, he should have been better, the thought was… It was exhausting. Red hues bled into his LED, sharp capital letters springing up across the room from his enhanced vision.

[SOFTWARE INSTABILITY ^^^]

“Lieutenant Anderson?” Connor’s hands idly wrapped themselves under Harvey's arms, hauling him up off of the floor to be taken to the car- wanting to repair and speak to the android or if possible probe it’s memory. Though this wasn’t where his question to Hank question was headed- “Why would someone experiencing heightened fear do something with such a high probability of drastically increasing the risk to their well being?” the question was flat, curious almost, but not far off sounding vacant and hollow. “Fuck if I know.” Was his response, still crouched beside the poor limp body of a shot victim. “People do dumb things Connor.” Clarity was slow today, but Hank did eventually put two and two together. Why Connor had been acting to strangely, why he was asking this question, it was fairly obvious. Connors nonstop switching from convincing emotional behaviour to his classic rationality had thrown Hank off until now. “This is where you get the coffee…”

His tone was low as he took long strides over to the RK800. Connor looked at him blankly. “Yes. It is.” His voice was as monotone as the vacant look on his face. “Connor?” Something churned in the android's chest, like Hank had suddenly prodded a small locked box somewhere in his code. “Y/N was working here this morning, was she here during-?”

He frowned, adjusting his loose grip on Harvey as he set off for the front door, leaving hank in the Cafe behind him. “Yes, Y/N was the critically wounded hostage we called an ambulance for-” The corrupt tinge of hatred behind that sentence caught Lieutenant Anderson completely off guard, his mouth parting but no reply coming forth.

He shoved his hands into the dirty dark beige coat that sat slack on his frame; watching Connor drag his ‘evidence’ to the car and shove it in the back seat while other officers went about their business writing short reports or going back to their previous posts. This wasn’t the first time Hank had heard of you - quite the contrary. Every morning Connor got coffee for him, he’d mention your name. Something about the enthusiasm he gained on coffee-run mornings would make Hank enjoy the effect it had on Connor more than the drink itself.

So that was you, huh… the one that was shot. Hank let his face scrunch up slightly, huffing out a heavy sigh, pinching at the bridge of his nose. “Deviancy has characteristics of a virus, Hank.” Something Connor had told him a few nights before during their nightly review. “I self-test regularly”

..What are the results of those tests Connor. What are they…

Hank drive back to the office in silence, Connor sitting as stiff as a plank next to him with his LED a calm unmoving blue. His eyes were closed, which Hank found odd considering Androids don’t need sleep, but he didn’t question it. The office was buzzing, lively, the sound of hard soled shoes hitting a solid linoleum flooring. Unlike this morning when the atmosphere seemed calm and boring it now bustled with people doing their damndest to get things done. Hank and his plastic puppy among them. One call after another came in about rogue deviants at a rather alarming rate. Connor had not missed the correlation between each case- all the affected Deviants were either AP700’s or newer, the whole city was shaken by police sirens and ambulance calls.

“Hank.” Conner put a hand in front of the elder grumbling man’s face, waving it up and down to get his attention while he roared something to someone on the other end of his phone. “I will review the current cases with you later- I am going to go interrogate that Deviant from the coffee shop-” His voice cracked slightly, earning a quick throat-clearing cough from the android despite this being a purely aesthetic feature with no functionality other than helping appear more human.

Hank was too busy being angry at whichever poor soul decided to call him during this crisis to answer properly, just giving Connor an approving nod while just barely listening to their rambling on the other end.

Lights flickered on the containment room’s door lock, a hand shape pulsing in the middle, blue soothing colours along with yellows dotted along the top. As connor’s hand interfaced with it’s systems it let out short crispy beeps like a bird before a sliding glass door shifts open- Harvey's deactivated figure slumped against the seat on the right of the room.

Connor already had the foresight to gather the needed replacement part : luckily therium pumps didn't change very much throughout most models of android- not unless they were built specifically for heavy lifting or athletics work - which luckily the AP700 wasn’t. The slick and almost gelatinous congealed therium made sloppy noises as the investigator reached into replace the broken part, hesitating at the last second with the component barely a hairs length away from its destination. Glaring at Harvey’s frozen expression of surprise - a slight lingering spark of fear to his eyes, not nearly as angry as when he had Y/N locked tightly in his arm.

[SOFTWARE INSTABILITY ^^^]

Harvey gasped for breath as the new therium pump slotted into place, thudding away at the previously dormant pipes of blue blood with staggering speed. His mouth choking up the remaining therium before spitting it out roughly- unable to stand due to a tall lanky figure looming over him. “Several stores were all held at gunpoint simultaneously following your attempt. Why?” He blinked, staring up at Connor is a state of mild panic while trying to look around, was he in… was he in a police station?

The RK800’s hand flew past his head, hitting the wall behind it with a loud boom, making the dazed android yelp and put his hands to his face. Something was… wrong. This couldn’t be the same android that had threatened your life. He was so meek, the green glow to his eyes was stuffed to the brim with terror and bewilderment.

Perhaps a calmer and more supportive questioning would yield better results, Harvey’s stress was far too high for Connor to glean anything important from his speech.

“I’m sorry-” He backed away, letting Harvey look around for a moment, the stopwatch Connor had set in his interface still had plenty of time left in it. “You are safe here, please, try to calm down. My name is Connor… you are Harvey, right?”

“Connor. Y-you know… my name?” He mumbled quietly. The bright whites of the room was painful to look at without squinting at least a little.

If this was an act it was being done very well. Connor couldn’t read anything off of the face of this android - it’s like he had been reset. “Harvey… you held a Cafe at gunpoint today-” He tone was gentle, but it still visibly shook the AP700 to hear those words, “-You Murdered a civilian and a fellow android…. Don’t you remember any of this?”

“N-no I… I wouldn’t-” The LED on Harvey’s head began spiralling out of control- glowing a bright red and blinking rapidly. “I just ran away- I didn’t hurt anyone!” He insisted, receiving a furrowed brow. “D-Dont send me back.. He’ll deactivate me-”

“It's ok.” He gently reassured, checking the remaining time diligently. “I understand that you're scared. I just want some answers, that's all.”

With the Bots stress successfully draining, Connor had too many questions to possibly ask them all in time. Priorities must be answered first.

“Who will deactivate you?”

“....”

You mumble incomprehensibly into the cold fabric bedcover. Much to your relief there wasn't anything long and tube-y sticking out of your arm today. Hospitals. You hate them. The unnatural medicinal smell, the murky but clean white walls, and the general sense of discomfort that they bring warded you away on most days.

Sure you would come here if you broke a bone or something; but unless it's serious you tried to avoid being even close to them. Everything about the atmosphere of this place sent something grossly crawling up your back and through your throat.

You had been given painkillers, but that didn't stop the slow burn that was a healing bullet wound in your gut. It had gone through your stomach and grazed the large intestine underneath, much to your luck this was a fairly easy surgery in comparison to other places it could have hit. A few stitches there and there, one removed bullet, and a whole punch of laying still in this bed doing absolutely nothing.

Time to reflect was nice but you’d been here for only a day and a half and it already felt like you’d never get to leave. You were fine, honestly, it was stitched up. You weren't allowed to leave until the end of the week- god that’s like a whole nother two days away. The room wasn’t silent yet no noise stuck out among the continual ‘hospital’ drone that meandered on and on was only interrupted by the occasional caretaker android going past your room.

“Gets kinda lonely in here, huh.” A gruff voice yanked your attention in it’s direction. A drooping strand of H/C hair flopping itself across your nose. It’s easy to get someone’s attention when their most stimulating activity is counting the time between hearing people walk by.

A tired looking man stood just in from the doorway, long scraggly grey hair and dark silvery-blue eyes to match. “L-lieutenant Hank Anderson?” Whoah, he was bigger than you thought- taller than you (Pff, who wasn’t), with heavy clothes that made him larger and slightly intimidating.

What was he doing here?

He nodded, dislodging something between his teeth with a gritted jaw, looking around the room. His hands on his hips and expression hard to read. “We’re questioning witnesses of the hostage situation at your Cafe, mind if I ask you some questions?”

He looked surprised to see you pushing yourself to sit upright, gritting your teeth as you did so, still hunched ever so slightly over as both hands rested daintily on your lap.

“Of course! Fire away.” you gave him a grin, amused by your own stupid pun while aiming a finger gun in his direction. He was obviously not expecting such a relaxed attitude from someone who had just been facing the possibility of their own death less than a day ago. Heh, really shows how little he know about you. “Right.” He didn't look displeased at the attempted humour, but it certainly didn't make him any happier about being here. Something about the way he eyed a turned off heart monitor gave you waves of sympathy. “The android that held up your workplace yesterday, his name was registered as Harvey, did you know him?” you lightly ‘hmm’ed; taking eyes eyes from the officer to look at where your knees were under the sheets and think.

The name wasn’t familiar, nor was his face or clothing- not that you got the best look at it past the tears and lack of focus. Y’know, the whole threat on your life thing. “No, no I don't think so.”

“Do you know anyone who has recently lost their android or seen any suspicious activity in the area?”

“I told you to wait outside, Connor.” A grin forced your head to look back up at Hank. Surely enough Connor stood beside him, a serious as ever, with his hands tightly locked behind his back. Hank, who moved away from his partner with rolling eyes, sat heavily down in a chair on the other side of the room. He was still observing you, just less blatantly than Connor who had his eyes secured on your face.

“No, i’m sorry fellas but It’s been a bit of a slow week.” The apologetic expression you directed at Hank made Connor squint slightly. Following your line of sight to the Lieutenant; who was displaying minute signs of discomfort.

“Lieutenant anderson-” his partners angry glare made Connor pause and retry the beginning of that request. “Hank. If you don't mind I would like to ask some questions alone with the victim.”

As you opened your mouth to protest, ensuring that you don't mind the officers presence in the room, Hank got up a little too quickly to leave. The aura of subdued distress and sorrow from him quietly stopped you, instead just mewling a quick “It was nice to meet you-” As he shut the door on his way out.

The room felt heavy with awkwardness but that didn’t seem to affect Connor. Who was still stood watching you with a curiously distant stare. The silence was thick and suffocating to a degree that made you nervous. Shuffling slightly while glancing around before abruptly turning back to him with your eyes set on checking his arm- The suit was fixed, so you could at the very least assume the damage underneath was gone too. “The damage wasn’t critical.” He interrupted your concerned glare like he had read your mind. “I was repaired shortly after interrogating the assailant.”

“Oh!” your face beamed brightly, like all the warmth from the sun could be seen in your cheeks. “That’s good, I’m sorry you got hurt-”

“-Y/N.” A stern callout quickly cut off your apology. His face was neutral but his eyes betrayed the confusion set behind them. “Androids don’t feel pain.” His words held an unnecessary sting to them. “The situation was well under control. You should not have compromised your safety further by attacking the deviant.”

Your face twitched. Tiny minute changes in the muscles that an everyday human would miss or ignore. It felt like you’d just been scolded by a parent, conflicting emotions arising through a slight power struggle in your head. “...I couldn’t stand still and watch him shoot you.” The broken inflection in your voice, the way your eyes avoided his to look across the room at the floor, it was hard to understand. Yes you could have, there was no logical reason to interfere. At least none that Connor could think of.

“I am a machine, on deactivation my memories are uploaded to cyberlife for a replacement Connor to download, this is not the case for you.” An invisible hand reached for your chest, taking your heart and tugging at its inner workings with malicious intent. Something about that sentence. The flatness to his tone when reiterating his own ability to be effectively killed and brought back to life again. “I would prefer not to delay my mission, Y/N.” The sadness that swam around your eyes made his lips part ever so slightly, as if he was going to speak but couldn’t process the right words.

“Y-yes… yes of course.” The change of subject was appreciated by both of you as Connor grabbed the chair from the wall and put it beside your bed. He sat with the chair itself facing the wrong way, straddling the chair from the front while crossing his arms and resting them atop the backrest. It was an oddly human action- but considering his time spent with Hank it didn’t surprise you too much.

“Does the sequence ‘B10C0D3’ Mean anything to you?” “Biocode?” You parroted back as soon as he had finished asking you. A twinge of disbelief to your faint smirk. “Yeah. Yeah I used to study with someone, he loved using that as his username. Jay, Jayden Summers.” Connor’s LED began to circle, going yellow, as he searched up the name. [Jayden Summers, A former Cyberlife employee fired for irrational behaviour and threats toward fellow personnel. Born 2008. D̛i̢e͝d 2̛0̧35͠.’ ]

Connor was looking straight through you - like you no longer existed in front of him. The light embedded into his head have a split-second flash of red before returning to its natural sky blue color as he blinked and shook his head. “Are you alright?”

“Yes. Thank you for your time, Y/N, I should be getting back to the investigation-” He looked almost… alarmed. Standing abruptly as you reached out to grab his arm- only just managing to snag a sleeve. He hesitated. Looking back at you, a tiny smile stretched up his cheek. It was wonky, but sincere, giving warm fuzzy glow to his face. It seems Connor had already noticed the fact you weren't looking forward to being alone again. “Would you like me to come back tomorrow?”

“Yes, yeah, i’d like that.” You let go, covering the excitement in your voice with a quiet quip. “But I can’t have a coffee ready for you this time.”

#dbh #dbh connor #connor x reader #dbh hank #A coffee a day...

118 notes · View notes

notailtheories · 6 years

Text

NotailsAndMore Tweet Compilation 2

Last Compilation | Next Compilation

This section will contain the tweets that I consider make up Act 2. Because they are not actually from O-1, you could also consider them an intermission... But they still hold important information either way. OwO

This batch of tweets began a little over an hour after the last round stopped... Which isn’t a very long pause. You can most easily tell the difference because this person’s face is “TvT” rather than “=)”, if you’re looking to track these from the Twitter itself... OwO

98 |

I passed out and I wake up to me being logged into this creepy ass notail fact account. Fuck off who did this? TvT

Reply to 8, & 99 |

hate to be a stickler for details but you didn't say a fact just a question tho i *would* like to know some notail facts about my dark past :D

Holy fuck. Look if you know me O-2 sir I just want you to know I did not make this account or tweeped at you, I just woke up to this. Who tweeps shit like this at an O-class? TvT

100, reply, & 102, reply, 108, reply, & 112 |

X-7364 if this was you and some of your shitty experiments I WILL strangle all of your dirty rats. These O classes could order my death for no reason. You even used my actual email to do this. They could figure out who I am! TvT

Your buddy even said "fuck you" to me. Now that guy's got some real claws. >:3

I am so sorry O-6 sir. I had nothing to do with this but I will still apologize. Please forgive me, I'm ok if you don't forgive my friend and kill him though. TvT

Grovelling ain't pretty, you know. But hey, you ain't done anything, right? Maybe I'll let you go. >:3

You would be most kind if you let me go for words that were not my own. Thank you. TvT

I'll think about it. >:3

Thank you. That is all I ask, and all I am allowed to ask. TvT

Reply to 98, 101, reply, 109, reply, 113, reply, 114, reply, & 115, reply, 118, reply, 119, reply, 120, reply, 122, reply, 124, reply, 125, reply, & 126 |

lol u rly had me worried there sweetie :3 im still curious abt this whole thing if u want 2 help me find out abt it :3

I didn't write any of this! This has to be an X class prank. "Ha Ha, make your friend pass out, make an account with their email and possibly kill them by telling O-6 that you love them. So funny!" TvT

lmao u creeped out like every single o class tho i think thats kinda an achievement u should be proud of urself :3 whoever made this account was saying some really spooky stuff tho do u think it was just creepypasta or what :3

Please don't say I did it. I had nothing to do with this. I wouldn't contact the O classes, much less say such things to them, for they are most favorable to my survival. It was just some shitty prank. Some of the reactions are, strange, but that is no matter to me. TvT

watching u suck up 2 them is rly funny lol but kk babe i guess ill drop it :3 smh i thought this was something cool :3

I rather not relate "something cool" with angering the O classes but I understand. TvT

suckuuuuuuuup :3

I rather live a suck up than die for something I didn't do. TvT

how abt i give u smth else 2 suck on hot stuff :3

Look I don't even have a tweeper and I'm about to abandon this account and never touch it again. So my response to that is "um bye." TvT

i hate 2 see u leave but i love 2 watch u go :3

That's extremely holy and not ok. TvT

i hope ur not as disappointing in bed as ur friends failed arg was on tweeper :3

How could a notail raise so high to grace? TvT

u sure raise some things of mine baby :3

I would block you but I'm not going to be related to this account anymore, and if my friend logs back in I'm ok with him getting fucked over by your words. TvT

id prefer 4 u 2 to get fucked by me :3

Courtship between notails is not ok, but I suppose you know that. Just understand that "no." TvT

lol our society sux anyway i dont think its possible to pollute our gene pool more than its already fucked up babe :3

Ok well society gives me a roof over my head, food, and the time I got bit by a mallon I was experimenting on society fixed my arm before it rotted away. So we'll have to agree to disagree. TvT

lmao :3 the more u talk the more stupid and boring u seem :3

Says the notail who keeps going after clearly making me uncomfortable. But "sigh" I guess that's most people. TvT

ppl are funniest when theyre uncomfortable :3

Typical notail. You fit in just nicely. TvT

Original, 103, reply, & 105 |

@NotailsAndMore is it time for my 13 other facts?

Look it up yourself? Go read the Cosmosdex or something. I may be a K class but I'm not some fact machine. TvT

The what

Can you not look up basic and common terms? Geez look. http://cosmosdex.com/cosmosdex/ TvT

104, reply, & 107 |

X-7364 just walked in with coffee and called me a sleepy head. Said I passed out after intensely working on typing. Said I wouldn't respond to me when he had a question. He's lying, he knows he went overboard this time. TvT

You may want to improve your security. This could have ended very badly for you. :V

I will do what you recommended O-7 sir as you are most wise as all O classes are. I do have good security, I must have passed out so fast my computer didn't lock so my roommate and coworker decided to fuck with me. TvT

106, reply, 111, reply, & 117 |

I just checked the profile page to see if I could find some evidence of who did this. "i'm not sorry i told the truth when you didn't. no one deserves lies." The hell. If this is over lying about who ate the last pizza I'm going to be pissed. TvT

This went better for you than it could have mate, but I would recommend keeping closer guard over your belongings. Some of the other O-classes seem a bit agitated right now. uvu

Fully understood O-5, who kicks clockworks across the skies. I'll attempt to not pass out at my computer with my roommate around. TvT

The epithets aren't necessary mate. But maybe give your roommate a kick so they don't pull this again for good measure. uvu

I will make sure to give him a kick no matter how much he says he had nothing to do with this. Thank you for the advice O class. TvT

Original, & 110 |

@NotailsAndMore Once you figure out who did this, send me their ID number. Immediately. unu

I....think it's my roommate X-7364, but he's swearing the whole time this was going on I was working and refused to respond. I don't believe him but he sounds so serious about this. TvT

Reply to other party, & 116 |

Is there any way I can convince it to become a solid Yes? c:<

(Note: I won’t record this whole exchange because I don’t think it’s relevant... The context is O-8 is looking for who made this account. That’s all. OwO)

I know this is rude of me, and feel free to confirm this, but will you spare my roommate? He seems so honest in his pleads that he didn't do it.... He's the only one who could have done it, so it's him, but it seems like he regrets it deeply now. TvT

Original, 121, reply, 123, reply, & 127 |

I really am impressed by how many people they managed to unsettle in, what, an hour? uvu

Honestly as an X class he is naturally unsettling but I've never seen him act this badly. I wonder if I really ticked him off with the pizza thing. TvT

I've dealt with much worse than some X class...if it was just that then whatever...what does your friend know....OwO

I wish he would just admit it already. He said a few really odd things on this account and I have no idea where he's getting it from. Just. Fucking admit it X! Why is he being so rude to O classes you guys could KILL or BANISH us. TvT

It feels like something stranger is going on...OwO

It's just a stupid prank. A stupid prank that's now getting us basically evicted cause we can't stay here anymore. Stupid, stupid, prank. TvT

128, & 129 |

Ok this account is done. My roommate likely made this account as a laugh and somehow got the attention of the O classes. I'm sorry this happened even though I had nothing to do with it. I wish I could say my friend was sorry too but he's pissed off. TvT

Logging out, and never logging back in again. Yet again. Sorry for all the problems this account caused. Just unfollow this account. Bye. TvT

[ THIS ACCOUNT IS DEAD | Shitty prank by shitty roommate/friend who refuses to admit it | Will never be logging in ever again ]

Last Compilation | Next Compilation

#fortuna #cosmosdex #category: references #category: o1 #category: notailsandmore #category: twitter #mod OwO

1 note · View note

bastardguy · 3 years

Text

i think i, need someone to talk to but i dont know what to talk about anymore. it isn't like ive cut off all contact with my therapist i just do not know what to do with myself!! a hug would be nice!! someone reaching out despite my terrible attempts at conversation because it makes me feel wanted and that i exist in other people's eyes!!! then it all feels so horrible when you realise you're boring the hell outta em, which is ok i dont expect people to stay anyways. im not their responsibility, so what do i do man. i never have anything interesting to say, and im only so funny for so long until i become repetitive and stale, so what's the point if im bothering everyone? if im being such an attention seeking hypocrite that i probably just don't deserve friends at all?

i want to get better but im so unmotivated and tired, every negative emotion hits like a landslide and it eats away at me even as i distract myself. its not my fault for being so sensitive but it's so annoying to people around me when they have to watch what they say and i hate it! a lot! i can't control my emotions and managing them is difficult when the only way i can relieve myself is by crying but i cry too much i cry too easily and it's all my fault its all my fault. now it's hard to cry so i don't know how to throw these emotions away, there just sitting here building up until i break down.

i catch myself wanting to vent to a living breathing person when i try to talk sometimes and it's infuriating, because it's like im using them as a therapist, like i only want to talk to them when i feel alone and sad and that i might do something bad again. i am going to admit i haven't really been wanting to talk to anyone recently, i need some space, but it feels selfish and inconsiderate.

all ive done is seal myself away but i was content with the odd interaction id get from a comment or a like. that's all i needed and now my brain thinks i deserve something more, a genuine connection or some dumb bullshit. i already know im just spiraling down a self deprecate hole and that ill feel better in the morning but bro! no one has stayed and barely anyone reaches out so i can assume im a horribly toxic person who people simply tolerate yeah? i deserve every bad thing that is happening because i was bad. i am bad and selfish, they all left because im bad and selfish, everything is my fault and my self centered brain better fucking accept i deserve what i got because no one is going to save me. no one is going to care if i vanished or not, because they're most likely worse off then you are and you're just another self entitled prick who needs to get hurt and grow up.

#vent

0 notes

mountainsarecallingbabe · 6 years

Text

We accept the love we think we deserve...

I keep thinking about our relationship now thats its over. All of this started a week ago because of my growing fear that he would never initiate conversations and action to plan to come out to see me and also to plan for our future (the future part could be reserved for another post folks because that was a roller coaster of a conversation on its own account)

To keep you up to speed I finally ended it yesterday after a week and a half of back and forth (I tried breaking up with him twice because of his lack of understanding on how important it was to me that he plan for short term and long term goals for us to be together, while he never broke up with me per se but said ok when I mentioned breaking up and never fought once against ending things and it even turned into him not wanting to be with me or without me...yes wtf is right). Me breaking up with him was something thats been a long time coming and now I’m just furious. At him yes, but also at myself. For letting him treat me anything less than the catch I am. Its been too long now that I’ve felt ‘less than’. Not worthy of a great love. He has put his friends and family above me way too many times. Yesterday things were already over because for the MILLIONTH time he had said he didn’t see it working, that he had lost faith in our relationship, he was unhappy and couldn’t put in the effort I needed (this is literally just starting conversations on when we will see each other because we are long distance and when we will be together again). Which by the way he made me wait for his decision as to whether or not he wanted to be with me even though I bore my heart to him and told him how much I cared and wanted to see this work). NO one deserves that. So it was over and I had told him that I couldn’t talk to him anymore if it was over so that I could move on. Lo and behold, not even a day passes and he texted me asking me how I was holding up???? as though we were friends and I didn’t just tell him he couldn’t have it both ways by talking to me all the time but not being with me. I didn’t respond and he kept pestering me with his indecisiveness to end our relationship. He basically is immature as hell and doesn’t know what he wants. He has a childlish view of the effort that is required to go into a relationship.

Case in point: Before I left to New Mexico I asked him when we would see each other and he said I don’t know, so I basically took initiative (for the hundredth time) and took days off of work and then told him to make sure that he had those dates off and then buy tickets to come see me for the holidays. I told myself he could do this one, that I didn’t need to remind him like I normally do and he would remember and step up. Sure enough a week before he’s suppose to come he asks me what the dates are AND THEN tells me they are to expensive asking me if he should still get them??? FUUUUUUCK that. Long story short I had to essentially threaten to break up with him to get his ass out here. Which he did and in retrospect that should have been when I ended things instead of waiting a whole other month to wait for the next time he would disappoint me and forget to ask when we’d see each other again. Which who the fuck forgets to ask when they’ll see their lover, best friend, partner, to make things happen? Like wouldn’t you WANT to be with them and be aching to see them?? No? Just me? ok. I essentially let it go because he ended up coming out here even though it was like a burn mark on my heart and unleashed a ton of doubts to how things would work out since this was literally only a month in and this shit storm had already happened.

Flash forward to yesterday after his confusing texts (which included: “I don’t ever not want to see you again :( and I’m sorry but I don’t know how to fix the problem”, which occured after I told him we couldn’t talk anymore and that he had made his choice and it wasn’t me so if it was really over I needed to not talk to him so I could heal). I ended up calling him to figure things out once and for all (this has been going on for a week and a half now of back and forth breaking up) and he was very relaxed saying he didn’t know what he wanted and that he needed to go because his friends were there (something he has done many times before). I was like are you serious? You can’t set aside 10 minutes to talk to me? He was like I need to go. So I told him I needed an answer to move on because this was killing me and he said he didn’t know AGAIN. I even said I had bought plane tickets to go see him this week and that I was going home and wanted to see him Thursday or Friday, since he’d be close by and he said ‘I dont know’, its not like it will change anything.... I was flabbergasted. I had poured my heart out to him multiple times within the past couple of days with flat out rejection every single time. I continued to give him chances because I love him. During all of this he has told me that he loves me more than anything which has got to be some kind of joke. Needless to say, his words were unbelievably painful. I told him firmly that he needed to make a decision about us right then and there so I could move on because he promised me he would give me a decision days ago and this was unfair and unloving to string me along like this. His response? He said again he needed to go. I told him to make a decision or it was over and he was like alright if its going to be that way then its over. his words hit me like a punch to the gut. I said that’s it? We’re not going to talk ever again, you know that right? and he said Ok, alright! with a degree of exasperation and desperacy in his voice to join his friends. This is when I had had enough. I was furious. That’s it then, I’m done and this is over, I said and I hung up. Later that night he sent me a text saying “fuck...what happened”.

So let’s reflect: I can’t believe I’ve been dating a child for the past 2 years. I can’t believe I’ve put in effort beyond belief these past two years for someone who could never seem to step up to the plate (although to him he’s tried?? not sure how exactly). I can’t believe that I allowed him into my heart and that he has taken it and abused it in the most unloving way these past couple of days. Its been unbelievably painful, degrading and downright disgusting to me. People don’t understand how to put work in a relationship and they run away when things get hard. Its silly to think any relationship can work without hard work, effort and planning for the future. He has sucked tremendously at these things and all along I convinced myself if I just showed him how to love me he would turn things around. Although now I realize no one should have to show someone how to love them and hold their hand to understand how to make things work and be emotionally intelligent. Ive lost myself along the way and led myself to believing that this is all love could be. That I was being childish, needy and ‘too much’. I haven’t been nice to myself. I’ve thought, this person loves me and i’d be an idiot to give him up because I probably will never find anything half this good again. I’ve cried more these past two years than I have the 3 years before I met him. I’m half writing this to vent and also to convince myself that this is not my fault. That I can’t solve this problem because its not mine to solve. That I will find greater love and I need to first give that to myself. That someone’s love not backed by action isn't true love at all, they are just words that are carried with the wind and are easily broken.

Someone who loves someone shows them through action and effort every day. It doesn’t have to be big, it can be small things like a text or a call (even this he was struggling with). I haven’t received romance naturally or been taken out on a date or been asked to do anything spontaneous in forever from him or anyone else. I can’t remember the last time someone has done these things for me. I guess I’ve felt like I don’t deserve those things. Like they don’t exist and I should just be happy with the love I have. I want a great love. One that comes naturally that I don’t have to push and has someone coming after me and I to them. Where we both put in the effort and show each other that we care. I’m ready for that and thats what i’ve wanted to be doing all along but couldn’t give my fullest love to this person because they would just abuse it and drain me dry of my reserves to make things work for the both of us. Bottom line is I wasn’t getting what I needed.

Its REALLY true that we accept the love we think we deserve and thats what I’ve been doing these past two years. Settling for a love that is not meant for me. I am a dreamer, a go-getter, I inspire others, I’m hella fine and I can get whoever I want. I love having conversations about the universe, I have dreams to make impacts within a community, I am adventurous, kind, free spirited and can talk to anyone even strangers. I am a risk taker, artist and a deep lover. I am strong, sensitive, a feminist, politically involved and I’m tired of putting myself down and accepting anyone into my heart without wariness or protection. I deserve so much more. I want someone to chase after me for once and see how beautiful my mind is and not just my body. I want them to ask me questions about what I love and learn things for me and the thing is I want that to! Because a partner is primarily a friend that you can go through life and ponder the universe with.

I need to apply my same risk taking confident mindset that I have for all other aspects of my life to love. Because I AM worth it and I’m so tired of being let down by stupid little boys who treat me like something disposable instead of the goddamn queen I am.

#empowerment #love #breakup #movingon #boysvsmen #woman #myposts #longdistance #heartbreak #weacceptthelovewethinkwedeserve #youareworthit

1 note · View note