#i hate being manic because it feels like i cant control my thoughts feelings or actions

[repulsivechameleon]

Im doomed and This is my final destination..

Some people are born to set examples while others grow to be made an example of and im becoming one and i dont wanna see how thats going to end for me, other than suicide. Either ways.

My life is so colorless and i can barely get out of my bed to pee

I dont drink water anymore

Or eat much

I haven’t had food in 4 days and im not even phased

Im so unbelievably ill

Its like my depression is so bad it literally paralyzed me, mentally numbed me that i dont even care about my eating disorder, or my manic episodes anymore, everything is meaningless now even my anxieties and nightmares.

I never catch up until the damage is done good.

Nothing ever matters to me.

Mostly because nothing is ever under my control

Ive always felt like an outsider everywhere i went, maybe its cos im fat maybe its cos im black maybe its because im dumb and ugly or just chemically unbalanced.

I have fought to be normal and to belong every single day of my life just to end up failing at every simple little task i dealt with, just like how i failed every single thing in my life, somehow ill always mange to end up being the weirdo and the target.

I don’t understand how people can stand to be in a room with me.

Im the worst friend, the worst person I’ve known all i do is self destruct

Ruin relationships

Make everyone feel so fucking awkward and uncomfortable

Lie lie lie lie

Im so fucking ugly inside and out I’ve tried to convince myself otherwise but ifs impossible to ignore the truth.

Badly wired like shit

Im so sorry for all of this and what i am

I hate myself so much

I cant even look in the mirror without breaking down i don’t recognize myself anymore

Not even photos

I shaved my head and its so grown and i missed all of it

I’ve missed on major life events, mine and my friends unfortunately i cant take that back

It eats me up alive because there is no excuse for disappearing from thr people i love without notice, there is no way i can bring the days back. The hopes and dreams that we had, the lives we thought we were going to lead once we grew older together, your life is going to be much more better than the dreams weve dreamt once upon a time my friend and knowing that makes me the happiest person alive. Im so sorry to any friend i hurt and i might hurt. Im sorry.

I feel like someone ought to understand why im doing what im doing

nobody deserves to be burden with my stupid meaningless issues.

I have no memories or attention spam anyways

I dont remember anything

Ive been erasing who i am

I just thought this was rock bottom yet i somehow still manage to dive deeper to the lowest point

And the drugs dont work anymore and when the music starts to sound more like background noise without any significance to the words, i know my time is near.

Mental illness, lack of religion, brainwashed im probably going to be called all that but for once in my life i want to not care, call me that so fucking what ill be dead anyways we’re all going to die. Isnt life meant to be a test? This is it.

For once in my life i want to have a say in anything, i want to make a decision on my own and i want that to be my first and last decision i make, just once please.

I do miss believing. When i had religion i had peace and sometimes i wish I listened to my parents and never questioned anything, it would’ve been so much better, different, drastically different than this, different waves of depression but with more stability, anything but this. I wanna believe in something again but it’s kinda too late for me because i can barely look at my reflection and believe what i see.

Im so sorry mama n baba, i would kill myself to give you a better life and a different prodigy wannabe daughter but i just keep taking from you im just a waste of money and resources and i cant bare the guilt anymore, I thought I could fix it but im in too deep. The truth is so disappointing and embarrassing i think i would rather do anything than to face you after you learning about who i am, i dont know what to say than im really so sorry from the bottom of my heart the entirety of my being im sorry snd I love you and i love you and im so fucking sorry that i am the way that i am. Thank you for always being attentive thank you for giving me unconditional love and for making me feel the safest ive known, i know its not easy being my parent, you’ve done amazing and youre doing amazing still. You were just kids who didn’t know anything yourself, i wish that you can somehow forgive me. I fear a lot of things in this world but knowing that my parents could disown me and hate me if they learn my truth, it cripples me. I love you so much mama i love you so much baba. I wish i could give you one last hug one last time but youre a thousand miles away.

To my sisters,

My 2 beautiful sisters, you know.

Im the luckiest person to have had my sisters with me in this life. What a ride, The definition of the word sisterhood. I would take a bullet for my sisters in a heartbeat. Im so sorry

About everything, i hope you can forgive me, i know it grows conflict in your religion, but know that i am going to be at peace now and you dont have to worry about your baby sister anymore. Im not your liability anymore. I hope you grow old to become everything you both ever wanted. I love you so unbelievably much. I love you so much and im sorry. Im going to miss you like crazy. Im going to hug you both again someday somehow.

I dont know when but soon ill be gone, i have a lot to say but i dont feel like leaving anything behind because i dont want to be remembered or cried upon, im selfish for thinking that no one would think to shed a tear for me I know its not true but I don’t want to think about it, once again im a lesson to be learned. Its going ti be better for everyone in the long run. I’ll be more beneficial when im gone<3

I remember i was 12 thinking about suicide, then 15 attempting suicide, promised myself that i would take my life by 18, now 22 surprise surprise im still here.

I’ve always been fascinated by death, I’ve always planned my death it became so normal i would daydream about dying before going to bed and I remember when i was younger during my religious phase, I thought that i could kill myself ages 12-15 so all my adulthood responsibilities and the sins that accompanies that gone avoided too.

I remember thinking it wont count id be tried as a child that god will understand why i killed myself and will somehow sympathize and send me to heaven as if “god” is the highest judge in some sort of fancy supreme court or something that id have to defend my soul for that. I was a fucking child but it was smart. I wish ive done it tho; shouldve listened to the voices huh.

Whatever, im just lonely and bored out of my mind, I feel so old worthless and unaccomplished like I became everything i didnt wanna be, and there’s no going back.

Waadeena, you know that i would give you the world x

#last days #goodbye #last words #its not that deep #grow up #living with bpd

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

.

#oh my god im manic and about to do something ill regret #im terrified #i hate being manic because it feels like i cant control my thoughts feelings or actions #i feel helpless #last time i was manic i nearly called an ex #that doesnt sound bad but if you knew the circumstances of the breakup you would understand #and i nearly crashed my car a couple of times #here it is again #i'm terrified of what i might do #when im manic any thought that pops into my head is free real estate #crash my car? absolutely #stop talking to everyone i love/actively leave or break up with someone? of course! #buy everything i lay my eyes on promptly getting rid of half of my savings? why not! #im scared of the thoughts that might some into my head that i might not be able to stop myself from following through with #im just gonna drug myself for the night so that i cant do anything

[thr-333]

Drastic Measures- Part 5

@daminette-december2019-2020

~Sweater~

Shoves romance to the side and shoves friendship in your face!!!

Ao3

First< Previous > Next

----------

“Marinette,” Adrien whines as she opens the curtain the second they get back, “Sleep,”

“Just a minute, I want to design Damian something,” Marinette takes up residence at the desk, throwing open her sketchbook, “I will be friends with him!”

“Wasn't he kind of a jerk to you?” Adrien flops onto the bed, Plagg rig after him, "I think we should go back to that point, maybe sleep on it,"

“You were a jerk too~” Marinette sing-songs finishing up a rough sketch of a sweater.

“I was trying to get the gum off your seat!” Adrien slams his hands down.

“Sure you were~”

“Mariiiiiii,” Adrien collapses back into the bed covers, muffling his whining.

“Come on you,” Marinette collects her sketchbook, “Come get material with me,”

“No, it’s time to sleep,”

“It’s midday,”

“Your point?”

"Ok, Plagg 2.0 should I get you some camembert while I'm out too?"

"I'm up!" Adrien sits bolt upright, "Never call me that again,"

Marinette ends up dragging Adrien out of the mansion he pouts as Alfred delivers them into the city she thanks him profusely.

“We were just in the city why didn’t you pick up fabric then?” Adrien walks by her side down the street.

“Because I’m stuck between 2 concepts and I need to see the fabric before going forward,” Marinette bounces along looking through the windows there are quite a few craft shops in the area which suits her just fine.

“Please don’t run off,” Adrien gently holds her sleeve, “Marinette this city…”

“It’s filled with a dark energy,” Marinette agrees, even in this nicer area had something ominous hanging over it, “It’s like it’s seeped into the city’s very bones,”

“And the Akuma aren’t helping things,” A child across the street starts crying and they both instinctively lookout.

“On the plus side at least hawkmoth doesn't send Akuma after every little thing,” Marinette forces herself to relax, moving on as the kids parents comfort them.

“On the downside, he sends them after emotions that are a lot worse,” Adrien follows along into a store as Marinette filters through the shelves.

“Maybe but we can handle this,” Marinette absent-mindedly raises her fist, meeting Adreins, “Do you think I should make something for everyone, you know as a thank you?”

“I haven't gotten them anything,” Adrien takes the armful of fabric Marinette passes him as she brings out her sketchbook to select old designs.

“I’ll handle the making,” Marinette ticks off a vest she thinks with be perfect for Bruce, “And you handle the finances,”

“I stole my father's credit card,” Adrien says with a grin, “He’ll probably find out where I am soon anyway so might as well start using it,”

“In that case,” Marinette pulls out a roll of incredibly expensive fabric, “We also need new phones,”

“And we should go out for lunch,”

“Get our hair done?” Marinette adds, looking at her half hacked off hair “I still need to fix mine from this,”

“I was thinking our room could use a chair?”

“And the bookshelf is looking a bit empty,”

“A nice expensive rug would really liven up the room,”

“Would it be completely inappropriate to get a motorcycle?”

“Yes,” Adrien agrees, “Let's do it,”

They stop to get new phones first, having destroyed their old ones when they ran away. Adrien finds the most expensive restaurant in town, but it's on the far end so they stop to get a motorcycle first.

“I didn’t know you could ride,” Adrien gestures for the waiter in their private room, “Yes can I please have the duck?”

“My Nona taught me,” Marinette sips at the most expensive drink she can legally buy, “I thought you hated duck?”

“Oh I do,” Adrien grins, which drops when his phone starts ringing, “How did he even get this number?”

Marinette looks over his shoulder to see Gabriel trying to call. Adrien purposefully hangs up rolling his eyes.

“We should go do our hair next,” Adrien leans over the table with a manic grin, ”I was thinking of dying it hot pink,”

“Love the concept,” Marinette cringes at the very thought, “But the execution is flawed, you need to dye it a color you actually like not one just to spite your father otherwise he's still just controlling your life, just in a different way,”

“You're right,” Adrien sighs leaning back examining his blonde locks, “What do you think?”

“A nice pastel or cherry blossom pink would look amazing,” Adrien perks up at the suggestion he can still keep the pink, “Actually I might do that too- oh wait! Will that affect our transformation?”

“Not unless you really want to deep down,” Tikki explains, her and Plagg gorging themselves on expensive cheese and treats.

“Well deep down I really don't want to give away our identities like this,”

“It’s a plan then,” Adrien smiles, “Now do you want to order anything else?”

“Thanks but I’m full,”

“What's that got to do with anything?”

 ---

 “Looks great Nette,” Adrien gives her a side hug, the hairdresser shooing him away while he does the final touch-ups.

“Are you talking to me or yourself?” Marinette smiles at the new and improved shock of pink hair.

“Well obviously I look fabulous, but you look great too,” Marinette rolls her eyes at him looking back in the mirror. Instead of evening out her hair, they had made it look like her little episode was actually intentional giving it nice layers and even doing an undercut on the other side. Unlike Adrien, she didn't go all pink, instead the tips being white ombre up to pink and then her natural hair color.

“Thanks, you have to send a picture of your hair to Nino he's more invested in your teenage rebellion than you are, he’s probably also hurt you left him out of the running away part,”

“He has suggested, more than once, running away together,”

“Why what's wrong with Nino's family?”

“Nothing at all,” Adrien quickly covers, “I think he just really wanted me to run away, his mum offered to pack us lunches,”

“Well, maybe we could have used the turtle,” Marinette sighs, “But I could do that to Nino, you already had to leave Kagami behind, have you given her a call yet?”

“Oh um, about that-" Adrien points at her tapping his chin thoughtfully, "Never mention it again,”

“Adrien,” Marinette scowls, “Call your girlfriend,”

“She’ll kill me,” Adrien hides partly behind a seat looking meek, “Also you don't get to lecture me, you haven't called your parents,”

“That's different,” Marinette groans sinking into the seat, only to get told off for moving, “They’ll want me to come home, how am I supposed to explain that I can’t,”

“They’re your parents,” Adrien stresses, “I’m sure they’ll be happy enough to know your ok,”

“Maybe,” Marinette hums, the cloth being removed from her shoulders letting her get up, “I just feel so bad for putting them through this,”

“Maybe one day they’ll understand,” Adrien walks with her to the front to pay.

“Maybe,” Marinette looks down at the bill, “Wow this is a lot more expensive than the usual dye job,”

Made sense because they were in the higher income distinct of the city.

“Why Marinette,” Adrien grins swiping the card, “That's the point,”

Ten minutes later they were laughing as calls kept pouring in one after the other. They are only interrupted when they get the distinct feeling of an Akuma.

“Duty calls,” Adrien sighs putting his phone on silent.

“Seems so, at least we can call out skills multiple times," Marinette walks casually into an alley with him, “What are you up to?”

“About three,” Adrien shrugs transforming, “It takes about double the time for the transformation to drop now,”

“Same, wish I could say that gives us the edge but really it only keeps us from falling off the cliff,” Marinette also transforms, her new costume bringing a smile to her face.

“How eloquent my lady,” Marinette playfully pushes him, Chat catches himself catapulting over the building, she quickly follows behind.

The Akuma is standard, Marinette guesses the akumatized item is the wrist watch. The problem comes with their recurring thorn in her side.

“Ladybug-”

“Get out of the city,” She cuts Batman off, “Yeah, yeah let us handle this first,”

Marinette throws her yoyo out just in time to deflect an attack headed at Chat.

“Do you need any help?” Robin asks, Marinette smiles, partly at the aghast face Batman makes.

“Do you think you could tag-team it with me?” She asks formulating a plan, with the extra help she might not need the lucky charm, “Make your attacks big and draw his attention, grab the wristwatch if you can,”

“On it,” Robin gives her a nod jumping into the fray, Ladybug doesn't give batman a chance to object running after.

Robin does a good job they work in perfect sync falling back when the other moves to make an attack. When the Akuma focuses on them too much Chat swoops in and gets their attention giving them the chance to swipe at the wristwatch. It goes on she sees Robin get thrown back after another failed swipe at the wristwatch. Ladybug takes the chance to move forward grabbing for the wrist, she isn't watching out for the other arm, the impact hitting and sending her flying back.

“I got you,” Her momentum is stopped by a hand bracing at her back, saving her from crashing into the adjacent building.

“Thanks, Robin,” He helps steady her as she finds her footing again, “I’ll move in you follow me up,”

“No need,” He smirks brandishing the watch.

“You did it,” Ladybug beams, taking the watch and smashing it to the ground, “Great job!”

“Ah, thanks,” Ladybug doesn't pay attention to how Robin brushes, focusing on purifying the Akuma and fixing the damage.

“We made a pretty good team,” Ladybug turns to Robin when everything is settled, “Pound it,”

Robin meets her fist with some hesitance, which disappears when she smiles at him again.

“Ladybug!” Batman yells heading their way.

“Ops sorry,” Ladybug cringes, “Sorry! Cant stop gotta go, bye bye!”

They run from the scene faster than Batman can hope to catch them. They end up back at her newly brought bike stacked with fabric and protected by a bit of luck. Marinette races home to make everyone's gifts, knowing just who she wanted to start with.

 ---

 “There you are!” Marinette exclaims, having spent the past half hour searching the manor for him.

“What do you want?” Damian snaps as if he wasn't just playing with the cat on the floor half a second ago.

“Nothing, I made something for you~” He continues to scowl but Marinette doesn't let it discourage her, “Here, I didn’t know your size so I made a baggier style, do you like it?”

Damian takes the sweater holding it up to where she put it on him looking down a little shocked. Marinette almost wants to laugh at the expressions trying to shift back from awe to disinterest, it’s cute. She smiles wondering what his face would look like if she made a matching one for the cat, and maybe Titus too.

“.... It’s well made,” Damian eventually allows, folding it over his arm, Marinette notices how his fingers linger on the soft fabric.

“Good to know,” She smiles, bidding him goodbye before the moment can be ruined. She bounces down the hall humming to herself.

“Someone's happy,” Tikki flies out of her bag.

“He liked it, why wouldn't I be happy?”

“Someones really happy,”

“Stop it Tikki,” Marinette giggles, making the kwami laugh in turn.

“Just like adrien~” Tikki sing songs floating down the hall ahead of her.

“Well then, keep Kagami far away from this one,”

“Don’t turn into a stuttering mess and we have a deal,” Tikki agrees.

“Please Tikki I’m not thirteen anymore,” Marinette brushes her off, ready to go make the others gifts, if she spent the whole time humming to herself Tikki wasn't going to explain why to Adrien.

---------

Taglist? nope don’t have one, horrible at keeping track of them sorry~

#miraculous #miraculous ladybug fic #miraculous ladybug #miraculous fanfic #ml fic #ML #MLB #Marinette #miraculous marinette #badass marinette #maribat #daminette

[dreamcatcheroflight]

Do you want to know why people struggling with mental illness dont reach out?

Because we HURT people. Not on purpose, obviously, we really dont mean to hurt anyone. It just sadly comes with the illness.

Let me explain to the bes of my ability.

For starters, we (those who suffer with it) constantly think we bring the mood down when we open up about anything thats bothering us. And you cant just be "cheered up" thats not how that shit works, especially during an episode. I'll give an example. So a few months ago i went and hung out with a couple friends. I dont remember what happened but one joke about hating myself turned into a whole ass "i fucking hate my life i wish i was dead i always do this shit god im such a failure etc etc etc". And obviously they tried helping, saying things like "youre not bringing the mood down we're okay youre not making us sad of course we care about you etc etc etc.." But when you struggle with so much insecurity and mental illness its hard to believe them. Its hard to trust what theyre saying is actually true. So we keep to ourselves and pretend to be the happy perfect one because they dont deserve to be pulled into our downward spiral.

Next is the fact that we keep putting our loved ones through the same shit. Anxiety attack after anxiety attack, they have to be there to listen. They have to be there to help or else it can spiral out of control so fast. Those closest to you will always see the dark ugly side of mental illness. Self harm, suicidal thoughts, crying, hyperventilating, our manic sides, our really low sides. We even lash out because we just cant handle whats going on inside our minds. And after a while we start accidentally pushing people away. Because they get tired of worrying, of constantly having to deal with our shit. Let me give another example. Over the past almost year now, my mom has had to rush me to the ER not once, but 5 (i think, ive lost count) fucking times. 4 of which i was hospitalized. And that doesnt include all the times shes had to listen to me cry or deal with my depressed ass because i literally cannot get out of bed to help with the house. I try, okay? We all try.

Call it whatever you want, but to me it feels like shes getting closer and closer to just calling it quits and letting me deal with it on my own. And im TERRIFIED for when that happens because when it does, i will have no one. I refuse to put anyone through this. I refuse to push anyone else away because i cant handle my own shit.

Thats why we're so scared of opening up. Because we know that if we do, people fucking l e a v e. They leave. Because they cant fucking handle it, they dont understand. So we keep it inside. We keep to ourselves. We struggle alone because that keeps those we love with us. People want to help until they realize that mental illness is a lot more complicated than someone being sad and having a hard time. Its so much more, and when people see that, well, they leave.

They just...leave.

So id rather struggle alone and still have friends and family rather than open up and risk losing everyone because they get tired of my shit.

Opening up for us is so fucking scary. Because everyone always leaves.

#vent #mental health #rant #long post #sort of #this kinda came out of nowhere #i saw my mom post something on facebook and #i kinda just #felt really guilty #tw depressing stuff #may be triggering #anxiety #mental illness #mental instability #we're trying #i promise #its just really hard sometimes

[xsay10x]

I'll be my own Inquirer

Why so incapable of contemplating this constantly unstable mental state put up with it for a taste of what it feels to be understood for once but is it worth the risk I really need to think this through why I'm reluctant

to share my ideals and opinions tell people what my thoughts are open up with my consciences but cant quite make a coherent sentences so I just hide keep everything inside make sure nothing can come in from the outside because i don't care to confide in the ones who saw something good in me

Wow.. oh! really? what a pussy you see what I mean who talks about their feelings you just need to vibe bro it's not that complex just go with the flow let go stop holding on to the to the shortest rope with the least likelyhood of success

Success what is success dress up for attention have the latest model and nicest brand surrounding yourself with distractions procrastinating instead of contemplating how to be the best you that you want to be

But am I changing for me? or for what I was programmed to be just waiting for directions like the rest of humanity

Stop and take a hit just smile and laugh shut up and start relaxing your attitude is really taxing

How is it, that you can be relaxing while others are slaving away to pay their bills mountains that came from hills

Nah man here just take some more pills I'm not here for this shit

You ain't real enough for this shit just a cog in a machine a dog on a leash careful not to bite the one who feeds

Following orders and deeds obligated to represent reputations neglecting their just vessel a tool being used to confuse the masses they think their the consumers being programmed frequent frequencys colors and pretty flashing lights

Designed to have you mindlessly sitting on the couch smiling neglecting your brain till you go insane till you open of your pouch of pain meds now your addicted but not affected cause your drugs did their job of robbing you of your cognitive thinking now your a cog no need to thrive a bee in hive serve your queen that's not obscene

I'm not trying to instigate these situations I hate but I can't pretend that I dont spectate and sit alone think hold what wait try a lil harder to file my thoughts thought hard about it I feel myself departing no longer hanging I the branch I've hanging on for way to long

I cant let me lose myself cuz I'm all I got I don't care what i was taught I'm not on the clock

Still so unsure what the game plan is but I'm getting more uncomfortable with uncertainty

Let myself stay close to home dont get lost all on my own but still complete that dont mean I want to compete

It's not hard to see that I'm socially inept. I'm begrudgingly accepting the fact that I don't mix with society cuz a part of me has always wanted to blend in but in my own way

Cant even keep track of these days constant reruns don't need the attention I dont want to be in your silly little club or a taste of the sweet life I dont ever want to be a wife

I want stay true to me but when I'm obstructing my own sight its really hard to see who I actually want to be

I went to wander and roam free think for myself try to make it on own but now I'm lost in this labyrinth that is everything I fear everything i hold dear lost in mind and seem to find this part of be that seems to be missing

I'm no longer okay please stay away

I've created a tailored hell just for to sink further into insanity no I don't need help. I'll do it by myself just go away

Or you'll have hell to pay I'm I'm toxic but not just cause I'm sick of all this shit of adjusting and trusting for them to not care what I think

But they dont have to but I'm of hearing bitching from someone whose so insignificant that try to be something superior to me

Why cant we see that were equally capable of maintaining a stable mindset but I know it just goes right over my headset manically depressed or just obsessed trying to breaking away when something's

Telling me I need to stay to find that there will always be pain clean up another blood stain refrain from buying a fresh blade

At a masquerade ball try to find my way but feeling more like im looking in fun house mirrors facing the fears I have of myself

Won't stop complicating everything thing I'm saying can't stop arguing with my self is there really a war going on in my head can't stand the hours I set here laying in bed waiting patiently silently debating constantly switching the side I stand on till I fall find myself laying in bed awake again

Not know how I left myself drifting so long

Being shifty but letting things slip out of control and I don't think I'm holding on to anything but my problems can't keep my promises

I just want to find the common denominator to all this mental labor. But I trapped myself within these these conflicting thoughts

the way I'm feeling can't say just what I'm thinking cant help how far I'm falling

I wont reach out for help... I don't need your help. I dont want your help I just run away from everything right now

Why are all my thoughts consistently conflicting wont stop contradicting what I try to put my mind too

Always finding new ways to contribute to the progression of humanity

I won't stop obsessing I can't bring myself to comply even if I have to lie

Whenever I stand up tall try to make myself different from you all but the universe is so much bigger than us all we don't realize how far we're actually falling

It gets me wondering to where I just sit alone pondering the possibilities of so many diverse realities

The perspectives of everyone. are enough to confuse anyone

Making you feel so discombobulated used to think everyone else was assimilated

Yet it still feels like ive been searching for so long feel my patience slowly slipping away

As my path remain unclear forced myself to stay say I was okay not knowing what that means to me

I fell away blindly moving to go forward into life I thought wanted still struggling to grow up and deal what I've been through not knowing what seems right I dont know how much longer I can stay fight

Wanted so bad to hold onto the mistakes I've learned from but I fell down a rabbit hole everything pulling me back into the habits I want to let go of

I don't know how to move forward I want to go but part of me won't budge

I need a nudge feel free to judge me but who am i judging really why am i comparing all of these people? because I wont let myself see when in comes down to it the only one that i got through it all is me and I need to focus on myself cuz I'm all I have for the long haul but I'm still not ready at all

afraid to receive affection or look at my own reflection not willing to stop and check my agenda hoping to get enough high that it will distract me from my health and keep me from falling into this paradox I call myself

I just have to keep deceiving myself so I cant trick everyone and so I Don't forget to smile and constantly contradict and contort so that they cant see me decaying and semi consciously constraining what im actually thinking because its wrong to think about all the bullshit the majority's put up with an If you can't help but think about it

Just pretend like your okay because that's how you run in the human race

Still can't help ask why I alive? Who is this mask? I'll follow their lead finish the task neglect what need

To fuel the fire that seeds my Insanity

Because I am alright I'm doing fine

I'll say that I'm okay so I dont bare the shame of running away

[kaytymfknelise-blog]

I have no idea what I am doing

So, i had this bright idea to make a blog. I guess the idea behind this is to just let people know there is hope, even though life is hard, and fast, and confusing af.  So, I guess today I’m just gonna spew off who i am and how i got to this point.  So the first thing you should all know is that i am a lifestyle coach. My mission is to inspire people and help them get through the rough stuff, cause I’m like a pro at it.  Also, I am an addict in recovery.  I had a serious 5 year love affair with heroin.  They told me during my 4 months in rehab that 1. relapses happen and 2. Don’t expect anything to work out the way you think, don’t depend on ANYTHING but yourself.  Well, I was 25 then and i knew more then them, obviously! I wasn’t ready to grow.  I was ready to learn, but i was definitely in control of my life and knew all the right things.  (this is sarcasm, for those of you a bit confused) So I left rehab and killed the mother fucking game for 6 months.  Then I moved closer to my old stomping grounds, went to a bonfire and got mixed up with some old friends, and some new ones.  The night ended with me being to drunk to remember how I got home, or who my new boyfriend was.  That new boyfriend did coke, which I’d done when i was like in high school, but hadn’t touched it in years, I didn’t then either, but the seed was planted. After he dumped me and tried to hand me off to one of his friends, I felt like shit, so I asked for coke. Instead I found crack.  In 3 months I went from 100% sober to being the worst junkie i had ever been. My dealers hated me cause I was annoying as fuck, but they would benefit by the end, so fuck em’. My husband (now ex-husband) decided he would start selling crack! Brilliant idea when your wife is a crack fiend.  Then this dude left me in charge of his night sales, cause I obviously didn’t sleep. Well I smoked all the crack - can you believe it?  We were broke, I was a terrible human, I had lost myself for the billionth time, but this time I had 6 months sober, so I knew this was possible.  Recovery is different for everyone, for me my environment is a huge factor, I have to completely relocate to maintain my sobriety. So after 5 years of my mom begging for me to come to Maine, I finally go. (worst. decision. ever. but we will get there!). So now i am a very recent ex stripper, covered in tattoos, with purple hair-in the most judgemental place I have ever been. Well to say I stood out would be a massive understatement. I mean the way spanish and black dudes look at white chicks with nice butts; that's how these conservative bible humpers looked at me. I had never seen anything like it, and i was a white girl with a nice butt in the hood, so Ive gotten looks! It didn’t take me long to get a job and get myself out there, I colored my hair black (boring), took out my piercings (lame), and stopped wearing high heels (why?). But I was a waitress, I was sober,making bank, had a beautiful family I was pretty happy.  4 years go by, I get yet another boyfriend (I’m way divorced by this point), who decides to punch my kitchen window out. Well, apparently in the state of Maine when you call the police because you feel unsafe, they take away your kids.  So, here I am  soberish (wine is a thing) with no kids, and no clue wtf just happened.  So, when your manic bipolar and your life is falling apart you do some crazy shit, have sex with everyone (my personal fave), spend all your money (I like this one too), Pick up and move your entire life within like 7 hours (this one is fun as well). So I found the biggest, baddest, “sexiest” dude I could.  He spent 20 years in prison, was a felon, no job, no car - ya know, a real winner.  Well this man, I don’t know what it was about him, but my god he has a knack for ruining fucking lives, or getting you to ruin your own is probably more accurate. Well, this asshole brings a bag of heroin IN MY FUCKING HOUSE and offers it to me.  So I’m the type of junkie that if i cant IV that shit, ill pass - that’s wasting.  Well when you have fake balls you have to shoot testosterone, how convenient. Now I’m banging dope after 4 YEARS sober *face palm*.  Well this dude and my best friend of 3 years fucked in my bed and left together, their still together tho, so there’s a positive?  Well, losing my best friend was fucking HARD; I mean that girl was my WHOLE LIFE, like I cant even explain the closeness I *thought* we had. So guess what I did? Heroin, that’s what. Did that shit 2 more times, then was like dude, wtf are you doing!? I stopped for awhile, but when the state took my kids, one went to her dad - so I had to go to CT to see her.  So I pull into Hartford, CT (this is my biggest trigger, i know exactly where to get everything I need, quickly. I avoid Hartford at all costs).  So, I pull in and my original plans fell through, so I called my friend to chill, but upon arrival that also fell through. Bad bad news.  So I go shoot up, and overdose. this being the THIRD time I ODd, and the worst biggest fuck up because my kid wasn’t far. Hate me all ya want, It was horrible and disgusting, I agree - but it happened. About 4/5 days before my overdose I joined this amazing group of ladies, all rocking their businesses, getting fit, and being GENUINELY happy.  When I saw this, I knew I wanted it.  When I overdosed, I knew I needed it. Fast forward to today, its been a month or so since that horrific day, I have a med card so besides bud I haven’t put anything substance like in my body.  I have lost 16 pounds, my energy levels are higher then ever, my mental state is definitely improved, anxiety is down, depression altered a bit, def still bipolar but managing fabulously, considering the circumstances.  I still cry, I carry guilt, I feel weird being in a home with no children, things are by no means perfect, but EVERYDAY, I wake up, I show up, and i implement practices and habits to make my life better and be my best self.  I surround myself with ladies that respect themselves, and other women.  I relocated from that shitty little judgmental town. I live in a place that's more “city” and I can tell you for the first time ever I am looking at the POSITIVES, and only that.  I refuse to let anything negative around me; it still hits, people still try, but I have learned to pull my energy away from that.  After 4 years sober, the sobriety doesn't scare me at all, It is how quickly you can go right back is something you denied so strongly, and fought so hard to end up at what feels like the beginning, but life will always teach you. So, I think I am writing this blog because I need to hold myself accountable, I need somewhere to be honest, and my life since about 16 has been anything but easy; I’m here to reassure you, you can do this, you can come out on the other end, all you have to do is show up! Today I am alive, and free, and I have a good life! xo.

#soberissexy #recovery #perserverence #lifestylecoach #lifeonlifesterms #noonesperfect #wealljustwanttobehappy #goaldigger #strength #doit

[returnedmemories]

Somehow this post turned into my life story

This past month I've been able to call my kids every Sunday night. Im thrilled. The new medication I've been on has abled me to to feel things and be less depressed . I cant believe Im finally doing well enough and that I have earned enough trust with their guardians. I feel less disconnected from my kids. The calls dont usually last long, but I now get to hear about what they have done during the week, and whats happening in their lives.

Before I saw them only a few hours once every 3 months. Inbetween visits, I worried about them every day. Were they happy? Are they doing ok? Are they getting enough love? How are they handling all of the trauma they have been through? Did they miss me? Did they cry alone, struggling with their emotions? Or were they so shut down that they were barley living?

They have both come so far. I know my oldest is most likely going to struggle most of her life. Its hard to over come trauma. I know. Its a daily struggle not to relive the past over and over again. And living with depression can literally suck the life out of you. I hope she can heal. I hope she doesnt make the mistakes i made.

Being abused and rejected by my dad, and knowing my mom couldnt or wouldnt protect me left me feeling worthless. I was alone with a monster and I couldnt protect myself. Being told over and over again that I was stupid, fat, lazy, and worthless. Having my dad raging and yelling, being told that he HATED me.

I became a shell of a person. I was empty. I hated myself so much. I was eventually sucked down a dark hole of depression that I couldnt escape. I became suicidal by the time I was 11. All I wanted to do was cut open my skin and climb out of my own body. I wanted the pain to stop. But it didnt. It got worse. I was afraid to go home after school. Home wasnt a safe place. Not when HE was there. At home we walked around on egg shells hoping he would leave us alone. But there was always something. Always. I cant tell you how many times he kicked me out of the house. And when that happened my mom wouldnt know what to do or where to take me. It hurt me so much, my mom didnt stand up to him. She always said she just wanted everything to be okay, but really by doing nothing she was choosing him over me.

By the time I was 13 I discovered a way to distract myself from the pain that consumed me. Cutting. When I cut myself on the outside I could focus on that pain, and it momentarily relieved me of all the hurt inside. I tried to hide it at first. Then I stopped caring. My mom found out, she was understanding. But when my dad found out, I was assaulted with his rage and hate. I already hurt so much that most days I thought about ending my life. And what does my dad say to me? "Your not my fucking kid. Why dont you just go shoot yourself in the head witn a gun". I'll never forget that moment. I'll never forget those words. They destroyed me. Im grateful now that my mom made my dad get rid of the gun he had brought into the house. I wouldnt be here now if she hadnt. I would have done it. My entire life had become nothing but fear, depression, and self hatred. Life wasnt worth living.

I was 14 by the time I had become full blown anorexic. It was the one thing I could control. I also began going for long walks. I was 100% convinced that I was fat. Maybe I would have had this problem anyway, but I believe having my dad tell me I was fat and lazy my entire life had something to do with it.

I just stopped eating. And On top of not eating, I would take laxatives, and I would take epicac AND I would intentionally give myself food poisoning. All so my body would eject anything that might still be in my body. Im lucky I didnt end up in the hospital. I felt weak, and dizzy. There were times I fainted, or suddenly felt like the room was spinning. But I was in control. And it became normal. Not eating. Whenever someone offered me food, my immediate instinct was that I was being threatened and it was time to flee.

But of course, (even though I was never fat), no matter how thin I got, I still thought I was fat. I thought I was disgusting, and Unworthy. No one loved me. And I had no one to protect me. I wanted out! I began thinking if only I didnt have to live with my dad, that I could be safe and happy. I couldnt wait to turn 18. I couldnt wait to be out of his grip. I would turn 18 and he wouldnt own me anymore. I was so stupid.

Life became even harder when I began having PTSD episodes. Even when I was away from my dad, at school, I couldnt escape him. I began re- living times he hurt me. And his voice became my inner voice. All day I could hear him whispering, "your stupid, fat, lazy, worthless, I hate you, why dont you just go shoot yourself in the head with a gun?" Always in the same order, on a loop, repeating over and over again. I was in my own personal hell. Trapped. Miserable. Suicidal. Why couldnt I be like all of the other kids? I didnt understand why this was happening to me.

I was in highschool now. All of my middle school friends were seperated from me, and I began struggling in school. Highschool was much bigger, with alot of students that I didnt know. I began having severe anxiety and panic attacks. I spent alot of time in the schools councelors office either bawling, hyperventilating, or so shut down and disociated that I couldnt speak. I was trapped in my head, reliving trauma, and hearing my new inner voice(thanks dad): "your stupid, fat, lazy, worthless, I hate you, why dont you just go shoot yourself in the head with a gun?"

Most school days I left early. I couldnt handle being around so many people. Inside my world was falling apart. I felt so alone, so empty. I couldnt cope.

I was 15 when I began trying to get help. I packed a bag after one of my dads abusive raging throughout the house. He kept instilling fear into me, and kicking me out of the house (for no reason. It was a way for him to control me) He expected me to go somewhere and wait several hours until his anger had settled, then come back. If I didnt come back right when he decided he wanted me back he would threaten to call the police and report me as a runaway. AFTER HE KICKED ME OUT!!! So this time I fought back. I went to two different shelters. One was called Simonka Place. It was a shelter for women and children. I was there for a while, but I was still in the middle of a mental health crisis. I had a panic attack/ptsd episode/dissociative state and was sent to the hospital because staff was worried I may have overdosed on something. I tried to tell the doctors I had not taken anything, but I was a kid, and they didnt believe me. My hands and feet were in restraints and they forced a tube down my throat and into my stomache where they pumped me full of charcoal. They said if I took anything I would throw it up.

I didnt throw up. I didnt take anything!

When I got back to Simonka house they said I couldnt stay, because they werent equipt to handle my problems. I was upset and angry at the time, but looking back, they were right. I was a very messed up child who needed more help then they could provide.

The next day I went to the host program. It was a shelter for teenagers that provided family counseling.

I left the very next day. They said I had to eat breakfast, it was part of the program. That wasnt going to happen. Food was the one thing I had control of. So my fight or flight instincts kicked in and I ran. (In hindsight, looking back I can see where I was prob having manic episodes. I didnt find out until I was 21, but I have bipolar disorder, along with depression, anxiety, ptsd, and dissociation disorder)

I dont know how this post became my life story, but whoo! It feels good to get this shit out! Im going to end this now, but I definitely want to continue this.

[clown-bait]

Paranormal Journeys (Monster Roommate AU) Pt 9

WOW IM SORRY that took way too long to get out mostly because of work and trips and costume making Ive been so busy I've had barely any time to write. But anyway here it is the big reveal. Hope you enjoy all the violence.

Ch 16 Reunion

Leech continued to sing her song despite the look of annoyance from her captors and the run of her black syrupy blood falling from her nose into her mouth. The taste of it was revolting but she wanted them to know what was to come. They wont even get a chance to float now because there wasn't going to be anything left.

“Will someone please shut her up she's been singing ever since we cut off her finger.” Chris groaned and nosferatu flashed her moonlike eyes in his direction.

“Why don't you step a little closer and try yourself Chris!”

The group turned at Leech’s sudden mood change she seemed less playful and suddenly way more dangerous than her captors originally thought. Chris glared at Danielle who was rubbing Zander’s back as if she had done nothing wrong. The ghost hunter turned away from the scene. He hated this woman more than he disliked the fang filled chatter box bleeding on the wood floor. Leech flashed her teeth at him again and a too wide for comfort grin slowly grew on her face

“Psst let me go and I’ll promise I’ll leave you alive for awhile. Its her I want.”

“Is it me or did she suddenly get way more creepy?” the ghost hunter squinted.

“Well you did cut off her finger dude.” Zander grumbled.

“How long do you think it'll take before that thing shows up?” Rick asked wearily

“Is that a hint of fear I smell Ricky? Don't want that he likes fear.” Leech lolled her head to the side the loss of the ichor from her finger stump starting to make her delirious. Or maybe it was the hunger slowly rising from her belly. Either way her calm antagonistic composure was melting away into something much more dangerous.

“Shut up seriously!” Chris hissed at her as Ricks’ face turned to that of worry.

“But its not Penny you have to worry about, the only way he’ll be tasting you on my tongue after I get out of these chains.” the vampire flicked the long muscle out of her fang filled mouth like a snake dragging it over her lips in mock seduction.

“She’s got a point you cant show any fear.” Danielle said from her seat on a barrel.

“Rick bro you really got to get a hold of yourself that thing is dangerous and we can only stop it if we work together.” Zander placed his hand on his team mates shoulder while Chris glared at the woman behind him.

“He cant help it dude he's only human. Hell even I’ve been freaked out ever since I had that weird dream! And since when are we taking orders from her anyway”

“Oh! I smell a soap opera looks like I'm getting dinner and a show tonight!” Leech smirked and sat up criss-crossed with mock interest.

“Don’t you talk about Danni like that bro!”

“Oh we have nicknames for our one night stands now?”

“Chris what the fuck is your problem with the women I date? Why can’t you just back off dude?”

“Well well you found someones leg to hump Daneille? How interesting!” the vampire mused.

“Shut up Leech”

The nosferatu winked and continued to lazily smile at the group that was quickly coming apart. She could honestly care less about her food’s love triangle unfolding before her. Just as things were starting to heat up a knock came at the door of the barn the group went silent and the vampires long ears twitched upward.

Zander cautiously opened the door while rick picked up an old rifle taking aim just in case. A man stood alone in the snow in the dark winter night. He reeked of the sewer.

————————-

“So you found her what do you plan on doing now”

“Do you really want to ask that Mikey?”

“You-no you can’t!”

“Are you forgetting who I am human?”

“Please let me reason with them at least they’re innocent in this!”

“I’m already allowing you to live sheep boy, they took something from me, they will pay.”

“Just one chance clown please.”

The clowns frowned for a moment then its scowl began to soften into concentration. Mike stared at it as it eerily drooled and clicked low in its throat. Pennywise suddenly smiled and his eyes began to glow. Mike knew it couldn't be trusted it looked too excited, too hungry. it was planning something.

“I will allow you to try.” Penny’s nefarious grin grew. “Yes no harm will come to your fellow humans!” he let out a sickening chuckle towards the end.

“Why do I not believe you”

“Aww whats the matter Mikey? Don't trust your old friend Pennywise? We've been through so much together!”

“Its because of what we've been through I don't trust you.”

The clown let out a musical laugh.

“Try try try sheep boy all I want is to free my mate! Cross my heart and hope to die! Hahahahahahaha!”

“If only you would…” Mike grumbled “Im going to warn them, collect the girl and go.” he said turning his back to the creature for the first time. He could feel its hungry glowing eyes staring him down with pure hate as he walked away from his mortal enemy. Mike could at least try to get everyone out of this alive… even Pennywise much to his own self hatred at the thought. He needed the clown awake and happy and that wasn't going to happen unless they got the girl back. He had little choice but to try to reason with her captors for their own sake maybe if he was fast enough he could save everyone. Even with IT’s reassurance he knew the clown was up to something and mike had a feeling he only had minutes to stop it.

————————-

Leech shifted in her restraints as her captors went to answer the door. If it was penny he was walking into a trap and it was all because of her. She took the opportunity to try to pick the lock on the shackles around her wrists with her claws but gave up when she realized she had no idea what she was doing.

The man at the door continued to beg and plead with the group to leave saying they were all in terrible danger. Leech twisted in her shackles again. Penny was here. She could feel her own skin rubbing raw from the pathetic attempt to escape. The nosferatu shut her eyes and let out a long exhale. Instead choosing to try to determine who the lone stranger was. His voice was quite familiar and his scent was of dust old paper and a faint hint of smoke. The librarian? What was he doing here?

The vampire’s question went unanswered when she heard a click and felt a release of pressure from the taught chain attaching her to the wall and the shackles on her wrists. Her eyes flew open wide and feral and she began to chuckle. her laughter grew louder and louder as she got to her feet and metal crashed to the wood floor. A pair of yellow eyes faded into darkness behind her. Leech’s laughter started to grow manic as she cackled into the ceiling and her claws and fangs grew long and sharp. Mike stepped back in surprise at the sight before him taking note of the faint yellow glow of the two orbs in the darkness next to her. Leech began to full on scream laugh before snapping her head forward and lunging full speed straight at Danielle who was scrambling back behind the barrel she had only moments ago been sitting on.

“SHIT SHIT SHIT SHES LOOSE?! WHO THE FUCK WAS WATCHING HER?” the she-wolf screamed as leech leaped into the rafters above slashing out lanterns and blanketing the room in darkness save for a few flash lights held by Rick and Zander.

“wWhatever you do, DO NOT lose sight of her!”

Rick’s flashlight began to shake as he shined it on Zander who shot him and a terrified looking Chris a puzzled look. Two white gloves came out of the darkness and came to rest on the ghost hunters shoulders.

“Little Zander Mcpherson. My my my its been a looooonngg time hasn't it? Why I remember last we met you were but a little insignificant snack! Had to find something much bigger and much tastier than you.” a sing song voice rang out in the darkness Zander twisted around in the clowns grip to stare at it in both rage and horror.  

“N-no no way bro don't you dare talk about my sister.”

“Tasty tasty little girl she was, you should have seen her face when I took it off.”

The clown chuckled to himself and backed away into the dark his voice becoming more distant

“Why don't I show you! How about a little family reunion!”

A young girl maybe 12 or 13 years old walked out of the dark her face horribly disfigured as if she had been mauled by a mad dog. Bits of flesh hung off her skull and a chunk of her cheek flapped free just below her missing eyes. Zander began to sob.

As the clown created a beautiful distraction a pale grey spindly form dropped from the barn rafters in front of Danielle. Who shined a lantern in the direction of the creature she could just barely make out the claws and long sharp teeth but her eerie reflective eyes lit up in the dim lamplight like a  wild fox in the dark.

Leech began a horrific cackle as she approached her captor stalking towards her theatrically  twitching her claws here and there in restraint.

“Ya wanna know what real torture is like Danielle? Ya wanna know how the professionals do it?”

The werewolf scrambled back with as much strength as she could muster but a taloned foot stabbed into her calf and yanked her back as the nosferatu slammed her claws into the wood floor by her face caging the she wolf in.

“Down below they don't just tear out your guts like savage beasts. Down there they do it my way dog. They go for what hurts. You ever have your nerves severed just so? Your tendons plucked at like guitar strings?” leech cooed at the girl trying to get away but each time she moved the talon in her leg pushed in deeper causing the alpha werewolf to howl in agony. “You know they played stairway to heaven on my right arm while I was down there? I gotta give those boys props they do good work, and after a few days being torn apart and stitched back together I got to try a little myself.” the vampire seemed to be swallowing something back as if teetering on the line of control. A little too far one direction and she’d be sure to fall into total beastial insanity. The other inhabitants in the room seemed to pause their scuffle and listen in on the exchange, even Pennywise cocked an eyebrow in her direction when he heard the cry of pain from the she-wolfs lips. Leech dug her foot talons in once more wiggling them a bit to add extra insult to injury. She caught the she-wolf’s arm and began to gently stretch it out positioning the razor tips her claws over Danielle’s writs pin pricking the skin just so. “First you slice open the skin and peel it back.” the vampire ghosted the long pointed talon of her hand down the werewolf’s forearm. “Then I’d get to play a little tune.” she placed her claws back into position lightly fingering out guitar chords over the sensitive soft under-skin of the girls wrist. Danielle struggled and squirmed earning her a dissatisfied hiss from the creature holding her down. Leech grabbed the wolf’s face and dragged her fangs across the skin of her ear.  “Don't you dare move now unless you want me to do it for real. Oh, and don't. Fucking. Scream.”

As Danielle let out a terrified shriek, Leech screamed back in her face just before something cold and metal pushed against the side of her head and fired. Rick stood shaking holding the old smoking rifle as the vampire dropped limp to the floor with a horrible thud that made Pennywise quickly shift back to his preferred form and roar in agony. His charge ended as soon as it began when his mate began to float up the ichor leaking from her face reversed its direction and a bullet was caught in her fangs. As she drifted upright her head snapped to the side at Rick eyes abnormally wide glowing sickly yellow while her face remained horrible and skeletal. Too many teeth began to split at the wound in her cheek. When she shrieked it was unlike anything anyone had heard before. Her voice sounded like fifty beings at once all screaming over each other and it was very clear that the creature known as Leech was no longer present in the room. She lunged at rick with horrible unpredictable speed latching her long sharp fangs into the man’s neck and began to suck with an unrivaled hunger, the wound in her head slowly closing its self with each greedy gulp.

Pennywise watched with almost amazement as if he had just made a life changing discovery and his mind had been completely blown. mike called out to him from a nearby window breaking the creature from its awestruck state.

“WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING CLOWN?” the librarian shouted.

“I-I created something. For the first time.” he stuttered a bit still wide eyed and slightly quiet.

“Her? You created her?!” Mike asked frantically as he turned away from the horrifying scene of people he had just spoken to being ran through a living paper shredder.

“No.” Pennywise replied quietly “Not her…..them.”

“What the hell does that mean?!”

When the clown didn't answer Mike tried another question. “I thought you said no harm will come to them!” he shouted finally getting the clown’s attention.

“No harm will come from me Mikey, Leechie on the other hand isn't part of our little deal.” he grinned as a woman’s horrified screaming was being mixed with the sound of wet tearing and crunching bones.

“You sick bastard both of you!” the librarian turned his back to the window “Is she like you are there more of you?”

“Why are you still here?” the clown growled refusing to answer Mike’s question. Pennywise pushed off the wall and made his way into the bloody massacre picking up the loose chain still attached to the shackle on Leech’s neck. He gave it a harsh yank back as she began to descend upon a mortified sobbing Chris and Leech clattered to the floor backwards in a mess of razor tipped limbs. The vampires claws came up to her neck and scratched frantically at the shackle earning her another hard pull backwards till she was on her knees near the clowns feet. Penny quickly pushed her to the ground roaring so loud his face began to split and the walls creaked from the vibrations. The two began a screaming match of terrifying proportions until the struggling possessed creature below the clown calmed in the shining light now emerging from Pennywise’s throat. His grip on her chain grew slack moving to caress her shoulders and hold her in his arms as the yellow lights in her eyes began to dim. He gently placed a hand on her abdomen while creating a trill like churr in his throat until finally the lights in his mate’s eyes sunk down till nothing was left but dazed glossy blues. Leech mumbled something about kidneys as she slowly came back to reality, a theatrical voice she knew well brought her back to full consciousness.

“Its time to wake up little hunter.” he said as he pushed his nose and lips onto her temples.

“Snuggle muffin?” Leech shut her weary eyes tight and purred as Penny’s own eyes flew open dropping his mate immediately.

“PEACHY! Not in font of the food!” he snarled gesturing to Mike who had braced himself against the window pane both in nausea and laughter.

The vampire grinned wide and raised her eyebrows at him. Penny looked furious.

“Once again I get you out of trouble and this is the thanks I get?” he snarled pulling the chain and bringing the exhausted Leech up to his fangs.

“I got shot in the face and lost a finger for you I think were even.” she grinned at him unable to turn the relentless taunting off.

“Only because you never listen.” the clown grumbled

“Looks like someones a little tense hmmm Ruffle Wuffles?” Leech teased him boop-ing the eldritch horror right on the nose as Penny winced at the pet name.

“I shouldn't have saved you.”

“Like you would have lasted more than a week without me.” the vampire wheezed. Pennywise pulled on her chain again holding her inches away from his face.

“Little brat!” he snarled hot puffs of air washed over Leech’s face.

“Your little brat.” she whispered into his lips as her claws tangled into her clowns hair. Their lips reunited with fresh heated tension the clown letting out a soft groan into her mouth half in annoyance half in secret relief.

“well thats a sound ill never be able to un-hear”

Penny and Leech’s lips separated abruptly and leech glared at the librarian now standing in the doorway trying to light a hanging lantern to survey the damage. He knew the others were dead what he didn't not know was they offending team of ghost hunters were just piles of uneaten shredded flesh laying all around him.

“I wouldn't if I were you Mikey.”

“Unless you can stomach leftover hamburger.” Leech added with a chuckle and turned to her mate “Hey by the way I have like no memory of half that fight what the hells been going on?

“I also demand answers!” Mike yelled as he regained his composure the door slammed behind him locking from the outside. Pennywise placed his confused mate on the ground and a menacing grin grew across his face. “What are you doing let me out we had a deal!” Mike shouted tugging at the door.

“Hush Mikey I’ve changed my mind. Besides the other one got away and its rude to take someones meal before they're finished.” the clown was right Chris was nowhere to be seen even in the darkness of the barn.

“You bastard!” Mike hissed

“Just providing for my family Mikey. What kind of father would I be if I didn't bring my mate fresh meat for our growing brood?” Pennywise grinned beginning to step out of the light when a voice broke his assault. His favorite voice. Only this time he was in deep deep trouble.

“EXCUSE ME WHAT?!”

--------------------------------------------------------

I think someones sleeping on the couch again tonight.

#pennywise #pennywise fanfiction #pennywise x oc #it fanfiction #mike hanlon #losers club #monster roommate au #nosferatu oc #vampire oc #slasher fanfiction #horror fanfiction

[wildgeese2017]

i dont know whether i want to hav sex with her like if i cud. i think that shes into me she smiles at me and she seeks me out and she laughs at my jokes and compliments my outfits? ive known her so long and i trust her kindness. i think shes cool and sweet and interesting and like she really listens to what i say and is childish like me like she isnt embarrased to act weird and silly and get excited about little things. she seems like she wants to be around me. and i hav convinced myself that i like her. for years shes been my go to crush. its just when i imagine being touched it makes me feel weird?? i know shes had gay sex b4 i think shes hot and pretty and i love her style. i wouldnt mind touching her but the thought of someone touching me in that way scares me i worry that it would repulse me. but i want it so bad. i want her to kiss me and rough me up a bit push her fingers into my thighs u kno stuff like that , is that what attraction is? my relationship to my sexuality and body even is so warped and abstract at this point so disconnected from what reality can offer me. i think she is closer than most people to what i cud actually even attempt to experience something with tho. like she gets me im afraid of men so women make me feel safer to try stuff with i only hav experience w girls anyway not that its actually substantial or like in that romantic serious context. i just i want to be wanted so badly i know that i have been at least once. i get so confused i cant possibly be that bad but noone has ever loved me for my body. i can timagine what its like to experience the reverse. sure i am granted the privilege of not bein specifically disliked automatically for my body but it isnt worth much more as social currency beyond basic decency (which everyone deserves but doesn’t get). maybe i need to be less in my head. but im scared ill try intimacy with her and i wont like it . and that will mean a few possible things which would fuck me up and scar my self perception. firstly, it could mean that im not capable of normal intimacy that i am really genuinely fucked in the head like the rabbit hole i fell down when i was 11 genuinely messed me up like i gave into some evil shameful thing inside me when i was a child and now i can never be acceptable normal healthy or loved securely. second it cud mean i dont actually like women ive been playing as part of the lgbtq community this whole time how can i face myself or my friends being straight is shameful to me its so lame and uncool i know this sounds so like weird and fetishistic or performative but thats exactly what im afraid of i dont want to see myself like this i wasnt ready to label myself but i did i labelled myself so young and now it feels scary it feels wrong for me to say i dont like it when people are like you;re bisexual right? i feel that thing when you share too much too soon like your skin is peeled off all raw and exposed. i hate that. what if im too messed up i dont know it for sure what if intimacy proves im broken. or at the very least very unique in a way that could lead me to living my life alone without partners or lovers i want so desperately to be someones favourite someone who makes me feel good when they touch me and anxious and annoyed. i want to care about someone so much. too trust someone to see my body like my weird moles and self harm scars my veins and hair and teeth i want someone to see me all of me and still decide they want me. that i am worth the effort that they would seek me out. i dont know if that will happen.

i drive myself crazy looking in the mirror in different angles wearing all these colourful frilly lacey outfits agonizing over how i must look. i make myself soft and sweet and loud and excited and loving so others will seek me out im like a duimb tropical bird and it hurts so much because it doesn’t feel like its working.

people say be true be authentic but they dont say how much it hurts to do that and not be idk rewarded? desired? like i am expressing myself and that is pushing people away even subconsciously? sure it would feel amazing for someone to see that expression and see that fragment of my inner world and think i love that i want that i want her i love her but it isnt happening not as far as i know not in a way which satisfies my lonely soul. 

i just dont want to be disgusting i try so hard to smell good and look sparkly and fun and bright and loving i think the manic pixie dream girl trope really damaged my psyche  

i think i like other people too i feel different when they touch me like it feels more intense more like its getting through.

as far as i can tell my type is funny, creative, nice boobs dark or curly hair usually, i like people who are kinda sad bc i think we are alike which sounds cringe but people who are just living in a way which seems at least to me in a non-judgemental way to be unexamined i just cant really relate to i cant open up to someone who wont understand. i need people to say the right things or at least say nothing and only respond with touch.

is it weird that i carry on asking myself if i was touched as a child ? like i dont htink i was but i carry on feeling like it could have happened or i convince myself i did and then i mistrust people for no reason. but something must have happened i had such messed up thoughts maybe it was all the sex on tv i watched as a really young kid my parents would show me stuff with full nudity and relatively graphic sex my relationship to modesty is confusing i think i find people more attractive with their clothes on? i just see naked people like ok? thats a body its normal i dont get porn.

one thing i regret was being drunk and telling M that i cant watch porn i like weirder stuff and she was like bdsm? and i was like no its so weird it cant be in porn but i didnt mean it like that i meant i cant just feel stuff from nudity without context and i am into weird shit i dont know why i think maybe my mums mental health issues which she projected on me im worried i was just made wrong like im just a bad seed like i was destined to want things which dont make sense. but then i consider my whole warped desire hinges on the way it could be percieved by society the way society views people and their intented state of being. i am attracted to corruption addiction to transformation to giving into desire to showing desire physically with your body in a way that everyone can see and you can no longer control.

everything in my life boils down to my relationship with control. maybe its because i felt i didnt have any control as a child. my life was shifted against my will and i have this learned helplessness both from having my needs met without asking and from having my needs ignored or at least met in a lacklustre way. but then i think who really had control as a kid? kids dont control their life they dont make the decisions that what a guardian is for ?? but maybe its because i felt as though i did have to make the decisions like i didnt have clear boundaries and i dealt with that by punishing myself for overstepping rules i made myself. bc i had no control not really it felt like nobody had control there was noone to blame so i made things up new problems i cud blame myself for or i saw the problems my parents had said to myself i have that problem too and punished myself for it with feelings or pain or exercise or silence. i couldnt trust anyone. or at least i loved people but i couldnt open up. maybe thats why im so weird and territorial i keep things secret i hide stuff in my cupboard its like i invent things to be ashamed of i create problems for myself to distract from the problems i didnt have control pver the conception of. when i think of my childhood i think of feeling bad and ashamed of myself for taking advantage of my father like he was vulnerable and all i did was take money and time from him and he was struggling so much financially but he would still spend so much on leasiure when i think of it now i realise that spending time with me and making him happy must have made him feel good i get it more now that i do that with other people but at the time i felt so guilty all the time for the price of my clothes my food my life. and my mum would always say how terrible things were with money how tired she was how stressed she was how it was affecting her body. she would talk about how much she hated her body her fat her sagging face her pale skin her poor health i asked her once what superpower she’d choose and she said i want to be healthy all the time and i was confused then but i get it now. 

i just felt like i had to pretend to be happy or like i wasnt bored or the time like i didnt feel bad about how my stomach looked how yellow my teeth were how tangled my hair was the bags under my eyes and when i look back i realise no one was looking after me noone was making sure i brushed my teeth and hair twice a day i barely did it once a day i used to hate myself so much that i couldnt do my homework but nobody ever sat with me and made sure i did it past like the age of 7 . i remember feeling so scared of asking for help i remember having nightmares or being sick and standing on the landing listenning to my mother breather through her door being petrified of asking for help like she needed the sleep and i was a bad person for waking  her up like i was lying and then i actually started lying bc she wud just accept it let me fester on my own in bed all day if i said i wanted to if i said it hurt too much. i just im so scared of feeling that way again of feeling so scared so tired so useless so guilty so dissapointing so stupid so dumb so shallow so selfish so unworthy so dishonest so lazy so manipulative i look back and i think how could a child have been so awful? how could i have been as bad as i thought i was? it doesnt seem possible. the point at which i became irredeemable seems to shoft forwards each year like its chasing me and i become more and more of a villain stealing a bright future from the innocent child i used to be. i used to fantasize about going back and doing it all perfectly. when people asked me about my choice of power it always had to do with avoiding the consequences of my mistakes either immortality or time travel to be able to change what i did or to be able to move on without losing my future without losing my finite time. i want to be free of these constraints that feel so self inflicted. i spend so long in these mind prisons i construct labrynths in my head and get stuck there all alone with no way of asking for help without admitting how i got there in the first place.

[ladylovesalot]

Bipolar Journal

For someone with mental illness sometimes it’s therapeutic to keep a journal even if it isn’t a consistent thing, they write in it. During my first manic episode from 2012-2015, I kept a small diary of my thoughts and drew the hallucinations that I would see. When my mother found it I was embarrassed and ashamed of the things that I had written in it. During my manic episode, I was suffering from a condition called hypergraphia which is a compulsive need to write. I would write down any thought that came into my head no matter good, bad, or strange, and further elaborate on why I was feeling the way that I was. After I left the hospital for the first time I immediately threw it away so no one else would find it. The only reason why I kept it even after my mother found it was so that I could better explain to the doctor at the hospital what I was thinking and what I was seeing since I drew everything I hallucinated. 

While there, I was diagnosed with depression and generalized anxiety disorder. Before going to the hospital, I was taking medication for bipolar type 1 since that is what a supervising psychiatrist thought I had. There were many theories as to what I had since symptoms weren’t all lining up under a perfect column; I was hallucinating and couldn’t tell if they were real or not, I was paranoid of everyone around me. So much so I changed my OBGYN doctor because I was convinced she wanted me to kill me. I thought people were following me and when I looked behind me, I would see black shadows quickly disappear into crowds or behind buildings. I was constantly having panic attacks, and would be fueled with energy, and suffered from compulsions that soon affected my day-to-day life, as well as depressive episodes. Before seeing someone that specialized in mental disorders I was telling everything to my therapist who was worried that I had one of three things; bipolar, schizophrenia, or schizoaffective disorder which is a combination of the two. 

Upon leaving the hospital I was put on antipsychotics and anti-anxiety medication. While this helped elevate my mood and somewhat control my panic attacks, it was short-lived. I was soon in the hospital again, this time a private facility where I could get the one-on-one attention I needed rather than one open to the general public. This was four months after being released. It was here I was once again diagnosed with bipolar type 1 and generalized anxiety. Four years later in 2019, I had yet another manic episode which was shorter since I knew what was wrong and tried to take action to get it under control before it got worse as well as loving family and friends that could visibly see something was not right. Bipolar is different for everyone. Some can go months and sometimes years without having a manic episode. I was blessed enough to be one that went years. 

Even though the entries begin on September 17, I was experiencing the symptoms about a week or two prior and then decided to document it to look for contingencies between this one and my first. It helped as well to have a “friend” that I could write everything out with and “talk” to without feeling judged or afraid. 

Some of it is disturbing and can be triggering for those that have a mental illness. Going back and typing this out, I felt myself beginning to fall back into my old way of thinking and had to take a break for a bit. 

Names and places have been changed to respect the privacy of those involved. The entries are the same as in the journal to show what I dealt with. Because of this, some grammar and punctuation will not be correct. “People” other than me talking will be addressed as “B”.

————————————————————

September 17, 2019

It’s been a while and I was determined to write something every day even if it was something small. I haven’t. I’m a complete failure. I fucking hate myself. I’ll feel fine one minute then want to fucking scream the next. What’s wrong with me??? I can’t fucking take this anymore! I don’t want to be around anyone. Not even Justin. I love him so much but I hate myself and just need to be left alone. I don’t want to be a burden. What the fuck do I do?! I have nothing to be complaining about. Should I call Dr. Harriet again? I can’t afford her. If I call Noel I don’t know what he’d do but I wouldn’t like it. I want to die I want to die. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I’m nothing I’m worthless I’m nothing I’m worthless. Why can’t I just be happy? I have no reason not to. I just need to buy stuff then I’ll be happy. Fuck everyone. I just want to be happy. Fuck them fuck them fuck them. I want my head not to be so fuzzy. I need to rip it all out. I’m so fucking ugly it’ll be good. Fuck fuck fuck fuck I suck aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! Fuck them all!

 Why won’t these thoughts leave me alone????? I NEED THEM OUT! I don’t think the voices are coming back but I need to do it. Then I’ll be happy and I just want to be happy. When I’ve cut myself by accident it didn’t even hurt. Will it still not hurt? I can try and see what happens. I’ll take the pills tomorrow and then see if it hurts. I don’t want to go in. I need to be alone. I can’t fucking do this. I’ll call Ned maybe he’ll know. Maybe Cassie. I miss her. Fuck her for leaving. Fuck Ruby for leaving. Fuck Cheryl for leaving. All my friends are fucking leaving me. What do I do? I have no friends. I’m a loser. 

You’re a fucking loser You’re a fucking loser you’re a fucking loser you’re a fucking loser. 

He better not come out. I need to be alone. How can I be alone? Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

September 18, 2019 

I feel a bit better today. I just want to be left alone today. I really don’t want to go to work. I just want to be alone all day. I want everyone to go away and just leave me alone. What do I do?

September 19, 2019

Maureen is mad at me. I don’t understand why Aaron can’t have sugar. I can’t change everything around him. I’m nothing but a fuck up. Why would anyone hire me?? Why would anyone want to take me on as an apprentice? I suck. I’m worthless. I bet it’s a mistake even trying to design my own tattoo. People will-

September 20, 2019, AM

I want to pull my head apart. There is something in there. I’m trying to act as normal as possible for Justin’s sake but the will is beginning to go away. I have no one to talk to. Dr. Ned isn’t calling. Even though I do the stuff the cotton is in me but it doesn’t me as much I need to do something. No one understands what I’m going through. Should I call Harriet? I don’t see her anymore so she might not talk to me. I need to rip my hair off! What do I do?? I need someone to tell me what to do. What would the voices say? I need them to help me.

September 20, 2019, PM

How am I supposed to help myself? I cant tell Justin the truth. He’ll want to leave me. I don’t want to go to the wedding tomorrow. I need help. Why won’t Ned call back??? I called him two fuckling days in a row! 

All the little boys and all the little girls won’t get out of my head.

 I’m a worthless piece of shit. I’m nothing I’m nothing you’re nothing and everyone hates you! 

Why does everyone hate me? 

(B) Because you annoy the fuck out of them. You don’t even have friends within the group. They feel sorry for you and only talk to you because ofJustin. You’re useless. You won’t amount to anything you piece of shit. 

Help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me someone help me, please. Everyone sucks. No one loves me. People only feel sorry for me. 

(B) You suck so much. You’re nothing.

 I need help. Someone come help me. I’m nothing I’m nothing. 

(B) You hate yourself. 

Someone help me someone help me please Justin help. Justin help me, please. Why does no one care about me?

September 21, 2019

If I see those lines there it would be so perfect. I would finally be happy. Justin doesn’t understand. I love him so much but he just doesn’t. I want to tell him everything but that’ll scare him. I can’t do it. I can’t trust anyone. Maybe Ned and maybe mom because mom knows what to do. I don’t feel anything. 

(B) You suck Shannon. No one loves you. 

Who else is there? I don’t know what’s going on anymore. Fuck fuck fuck. I don’t even want to kill myself. I think I just want to be gone. I don’t want to go back to Intercare. I can’t right now. I need to be more self-reliant. I can’t depend on everyone else. I can’t depend on the meds. No one can help me. Why?? I’m useless. 

(B) You’re useless. No one likes you. How can someone ever love you? They’re all lying. All of them are fucking liars. 

They don’t love me. Help help help help help help help help help me someone, anyone. I can’t do this. Why was that woman so mean? 

(B) She thinks you’re crazy. That’s why. 

Do I want to be gone? I want to cut. I have to cut. I need to feel it. I’m going to do it. I need to do it. It’s there it’s there. It’s telling me to. Justin wants to leave me. I know he does. 

(B) You’re worthless.

 I don’t know if I’m hearing the voices or not, why is this happening? I know something’s wrong but I don’t know what. I NEED TO DO IT!! Even if it’s with a pen it’ll be okay. 

(B) You can do it. You just need to get Justin distracted then you can do it. I believe in you. You just need to believe in yourself. You don’t need to ask permission. Just do it. You’ll be so happy. Or you can be a miserable coward because that’s what you are. A fake to everyone. Everyone thinks you’re okay now but you’re not.

September 22, 2019

I felt numb today. Last night was so much fun then the weed helped and now I’m going crazy again. I don’t want to go anywhere. I want to cut.

(B) It’s there. You need to find the knives then you’ll be good at at least figuring things out. You need to do it tomorrow after work. You’re a clever girl so think like him. You can do it. I believe in you.

 I want to do it but I shouldn’t but the desire is so strong I need to. I’ll go crazy. 

(B) You stupid piece of shit, then find them. You heard clanging. There are only three places they can be; kitchen, bathroom, office. Check above the fridge first. You’re afraid of heights but overcome it to get what you need.

 I need those knives and scissors. Anything at this point. 

(B) You can do it. He sleeps like the dead. Go out tonight to find them. Maybe use the nail clippers at the very least. You’re doing a great job with how you’re feeling. They can only be in three- a couple- of places; living room, kitchen, office. You need to look above the sink, you fucking idiot. He knows how you are. But you need to cut. You'll feel so much better.

September 23, 2019

(B) Good job Shannon! You did it! You pushed through it and now everything is perfect. Fuck Maureen. You need to make her life miserable. She’s a fucking bitch that needs to die. She should not be texting you angry about this. I know you’re getting sleepy now. But push through it. You deserve the beer. And the vape. If you can handle it take some more-

September 30, 2019 

Today was amazing. The razor doesn’t even hurt at first and then the blood comes then you see the line. The lines are so beautiful. You were right. All I needed to do was try. But now I need to hide it. He’ll see and get mad. I don’t want him mad. I don’t want him to send me away. I love him so much. So fucking much.

October 3, 2019

(B) Finally, you’re back again.

 I tried to do it yesterday but couldn’t muster up anything to write. I want to see the blood again but also know it’s bad. 

(B) But that’s never stopped you before?

 I know but I’m so torn. What should I do? 

(B) You should also do...but not? Don’t do it. DON’T. DO. IT. Do you want to go back to the hospital? You joke that they have good food but we know you hate it. Except for one time your biggest concern was when you could leave. Do you want to disappoint everybody? Be a disappointment to your students. The fact that you’re writing shows you want to.

 I want to but can’t. I need you all to stop. One at a time. It’s okay to write but not talk. What if someone reads this?

(B) They’ll think you’re more insane than you already are.

October 24, 2019

Looking back on the entries I realize how everything was spiraling out of control. So much has happened since then both good and bad. I got fired from Joyous Praise because of a text I sent Terry during my manic episode. When the pastor asked if I’ve ever had thoughts or wants to hurt a child I of course said no and would never even think of doing that. When he said-

October 31, 2019

Today I’ll be going to get my things that I bought for my classroom from the pastoral office. Terry was supposed to return a shirt I let her borrow and for two days she said she’d bring it but I think she’s afraid of me. I’m 99% sure she knows I know she sent in the text. On the night she was going to bring it I told her Edward and I were going out but I was going to leave the porch light on and she could toss it over the patio. She picked me up every day and knew the apartment number I lived in and that it was on the first floor. An hour later I got a text telling me Sherry was going to be giving me the shirt. Then earlier this week I get a call from Sherry telling me they were going to mail my things to me which I didn’t understand why since I live less than 10 minutes away from the church. I told her I’d come by today to get everything. When I called yesterday to tell her I was coming by at 2:00 pm she didn’t answer so I left a message telling her the time and the things I was coming to get. I’m really hoping there’s everything there. She never returned my call. Her and pastor Allen haven’t returned any of my texts or the email I sent. I feel as if they purposelessly avoiding me. I haven’t gotten a paycheck either like they said I would. l am hoping that comes in soon. Hopefully, I’ll have that answered and all my things by this afternoon.

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Mental illness is something that is still stigmatized in our community. Throughout the years, views on it haven’t changed. The only difference between now and the past is that people aren’t thought to be possessed by the devil or witches. Of course in some places of the world, they are still thought to be. When someone comes to you asking for help then listen. If you ask someone how they’re doing and you don’t get socially acceptable “I’m good” then listen to them. You might be very well saving a life or even encourage someone to get the help that they need.

#mentally ill #mental heatlh #mental health awareness #diary #bipolar

[cow3survivor]

Ep. 4: “Trying To Cover Ur Murderous Tracks” - Jones

JENNET 

nash isnt on my tribe but i cant help but feel bad for them :((( the last two days that we were together as old calumma i actually started to connect with them. they will be missed 💔

(a little later)

why am i obsessed with ethan ? *insert meme of that tiktoker just standing there*

(after building a bamboo bed)

super nervous for immunity, if we end up losing i think i might try to push for pennino bc he pissed me off the other night saying he wouldnt be available for the comp and literally SITTING THERE watching us do the comp... i really like sam and ethan (tbh more than i like lindsay and jabari) but thats only bc of how much we communicate with each other idk i do know lindsay wants to push for pennino too bc she was annoyed it too so maybe let her do all the pushing and if it backfires, just push for her to go😳

JESSICA

No song 4 today Last round we voted out Nash. That was not my ideal choice (I wanted Nicole to go) but Pete was paranoid Nicole may have an idol, that Nicole/Mikey/Nash were secretly working together, or just that something might go down. He also trusts Nicole for reasons unknown. I didn't love leaving Mikey in the dark (I think that really only helped Pete, not me) but I was nervous that if I pushed Nicole too hard as the vote, Pete would vote Mikey and then that was really the worst case scenario. If we lose this round, I am voting Nicole no question. She asked me what happened after the vote + if we could talk which I thought was great! I sent her an explanation that basically said I didn't trust Nash because they did not talk to me, I was worried OG Calumma was still a thing, and I didn't trust Nicole because she didn't start talking to me until after we lost + she left me on read a lot. And what does she do right after I sent that? Leave me on read again! I was excited to work with her when we first swapped but I don't see that happening at all now. The nice thing is because Pete lied to her, Mikey and Nicole voted each other, AND Lovelis was already initially down to vote Nicole, I'm hoping if we lose the vote is really easy. I also don't think Nicole has the idol because.... ...I found it! Okay, no I didn't. I did find a ruby though. I think that in each quadrant of the adventure, there is a gem and the four gemstones combined will make an idol. I already have 1, I have a good idea of where it could be in the north, and most importantly I am pretty sure Nicole has no advantages. I think if she had an idol, she might have played it last round, but my guess is that there is only one idol in the game and no one has it yet. However right now I'm not sharing this information with anyone. I hope that if we lose, Pete votes for Mikey out of paranoia (and that Nicole does as well) which means moving forward, Mikey really only has me and that's an alliance I can keep long term. I do also think that we are potentially swapping after this OR we will do a double tribal after this and swap then. I do not want us to lose twice because that's when things get tricky but if we do, I think I will be set up well enough that no one is coming for me.

PETE 

so my og Brookesia alliance of jessica and lovelis (plus me) they want to vote out Nicole but i reeeeaaally don’t wanna do that. Nicole and I had this talk of moving on from our past so if I just vote her out first chance I get that’d just be a huge dick move. They for some reason believe Mikey which I honestly don’t, I think he may be a little weasel. Nash doesn’t talk to me at all, so i’m hoping maybe I can shift the vote onto Nash by scaring them with the thought of Nicole having and idol

(after dropping his rice into the sand)

AAAAAAAAHHHHHH IDIDIT I DID IT IDIDIT literally i have THE biggest fucking knot in my stomach i was SO fUcking NERVOUS this is so fuckignw crazy i cant skdjdbxsjkdb i’ve NEVER been in control of a vote before like everything i told someone to do they did like i’m not gonna get all like egotistical and all that but like sjkdsxkdbsjjdjxjdkdb ive never been in this position before it’s wild i’m usually like the mikey. like i’m just there, hoping people include me but kinda just scraping by until they decide it’s my turn to leave and NOW!!!! I JUST BLINDSIDED SOMEBODYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

JENNET

trying really hard to do this comp and my arthritis is making my hands spasm :(( powering thru and hopefully we dont go to tribal. if we do im afraid that im going to be voted out :((

JABARI

So i scored for the tribe which is great but then we tie and there is tower of hanoi. Lets just say ill never play that game again but I swear im not giving up no sir....they said they wouldnt boot me because of it but ima make sure of it.

JENNET 

in love with ethan hes the best person in the world

(after staring at Ethan)

really sucks going to tribal council and i know i let my team down so now im trying to find a way- SOME WAY to remind them that old calumma wanted to go after pennino next and to hopefully keep ethan out of the fire. sam approached me about an alliance with him and ethan and tbf idc what anybody calls me or what they think but im honestly closer to the too of them than to anybody on the tribe- closer to ethan than i was to jake even😳

LINDSAY

https://drive.google.com/file/d/12YzvXBooOu3lndrE99YopPOcO4VEAYYB/view?usp=drivesdk lmk if this works also fun fact i just tried to open the camera on the computer im borrowing and the computer bluescreened lol i hate it here

SAM

https://youtu.be/M4E00bmBj0A

PETE

The way this game is going Id say that I’m probably closest with Jessica just because we’ve been talking since the start, she’s really nice & enthusiastic, and we’ve agreed so far on the things that need to happen so we share a lot of information with each other. Lovelis is a little bit of a wild card because he never really talks that much so I’m going to try to bond with him more so that he doesn’t feel like just another number.

LOVELIS

Who knew we’d pull out a win with flash games! Maybe we need to stop shitting on then and start praying for more of them to pop up here LMAO. So glad I can just have this day to speak to people a bit more and just relax a little - I feel like me Jess and Pete are in a comfortable position within this tribe so I’m praying for no more funny business with another premerge swap but I’m tryna stay on my toes!

ETHAN

Ok so tribal time: I am in a minority position right now and it is looking sketchy. I feel like I am going because of how Jabari and Jennet have not talked to me at all today and instead have ghosted me. I have something, but not sure if I want to play it. Do I trust people, or do I just full send and blow it up? Time shall tell

JESSICA 

Yay we won immunity! I love getting my Dolphin Olympics redemption arc, it's been 6 years in the making.

PENNINO

Now, it's 4 hours before the first tribal as Furcifer, and I think that us from OG Calumma will go and do a Pagong to Ethan and Sam. Since Ethan was a beast in  the comps, and we want to keep tribal lines, that puts Sam up for the chopping block. As for Nash leaving, no surprise. Honestly, I feel pretty safe and now i'm just waiting for another swap.

MADISON

I don't know how I've survived four rounds but here we are. I think I've legit gotten the lowest score in the past 2 challenges but everyone else is a beast so I get to stay safe for another round. The downside to being safe so long is that there isn't really a lot of gameplay happening over on Planet Brookesia and some of us might be a little bit too comfy so that when swap time comes or we lose the next challenge, it'll be scramble city to figure something out.

JAKE

https://youtu.be/Hz-Ix0ZeQ7E y'all when I tell you i'm manic just thinking about crazy fringe theories related to this game lmaoooooo

JONES

ok bet lets get strategic:tm: i feel like a lot of my confessionals are rlly like ,, , , ,me just talking ab "wow i rlly like this person, not this person so and so and whatnot" and i haven't rlly gotten to bare bones like ,, what i'm thinking ab game wise ? for starters - i think i'm in a rlly good spot surprisingly? LIKE don't get me wrong its fking dangerous being in a 4-2 but i think i'm set up super super well? i'm officially working with all of Daisy, Sammy, Shane, and Jake, and am in an alliance w everyone of those people besides Sammy. but sammy has vouched saying that he does want to work w me and has my back and i don't have like,, any reason to doubt that rn ? unfortunately the only way to rlly like ,, ,, have everyone prove their trust to me is by going to tribal aldksfjasdlfj but i dont rlly see a reason for them to like ,, , lie to me ? esp when we haven't gone to tribal? i don't see the point in marinating someone this isn't among us and ur trying to cover ur murderous tracks,,, but ya ? i'm in a good spot. i think based on my alliances and allies and whatnot, and i've stated this already so this isn't rlly a surprise, but madison would probs be the target if we'd have to go to tribal. and Jake has stated to me too that he hasn't rlly talked to madison that much either so it doesn't seem like an uncommon thought process. after the challenge tiebreaker yesterday , the newly formed ALLEANCHE! kind of came together as the 4 most active people on the tribe so it SEEMS like it would be madison AND sammy getting targetted and , ,, , sammy going for me isn't rlly cash money bc if sammy DOES have my back then that's me losing one of MY allies,, but i don't think we're going to enough tribals before another swap for that to actually be a thing ? so hopefully if we do go to tribal it'd be madison and not sammy, but i think i, if not i then maybe jake LOL, can make a good case for madison to go over sammy. speaking of jake i have a rlly bad gut feeling that i'm gonna have to think ab cutting him soon - or at least before merge. i've kinda been letting him take the reigns since preswap to make him kind of look like a leader ish ? so i'm rlly hoping that like ,, , hypothetically speaking. lets say i'm AGAIN put on another tribe w jake (bc lbr we're swapping again),, and lets say hypothetically they wanna split up the supposed "duo" of myself and jake,,, whos the smarter person to take out - the leader whos kinda been calling the shots and making the alliances since round 1, or the person whos proven themself to be reliable and to keep their team safe and be able to go to bat for their team ? idk IDK that's just me but i definitely think like ,, in terms of a building threat level i think jake is definitely the easier target asldkfjasd which is UNFORTUNATE like i LOVE JAKE but i feel like if it comes to me and jake and jake is putting me in DANGER then , ,, well,, :( i gotta do what i gotta DO i'm pawned as old reliable for a reason :katenails: but ya uhm,,, shane/daisy/jake/i were talking on call after the tiebreaker ab what could happen and we all basically agreed theres no way in hell that there ISN'T another swap on the horizon or at least like,, a twist or something. u can't just swap at 18 on a 20 person cast and just expect us to sit like lil ducks on sunday brunch, if anything we're probs gonna swap at like ,, , , , 15? OR hosts are cracked and swap us NEXT ROUND bc they're sadistic. but ya there's def another swap it rlly just depends on when and whos there to experience it - i.e whether or not i'm gonna have security from my allies or not ya feel? i feel. also there's definitely probs like ,, , ,a double tribal. or smth. or like, smth crazy and dumb and stupid that i don't have the brain capacity to rlly comprehend. but ya hope i win this was a good strategy talk #fruciferandcallumathrowchallenge

NICOLE

Hello!!! Nash went home and I'm sad so I am PROTESTING confessionals! You won't know anything that is happening with me! Nothing! (Just kidding nothing happened this round, everyone ignored me and then we won immunity so they had no need to)

SHANE

https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1TxoVh69i2GPA-agNAfyW0G-Bu07weXyZ?usp=sharing

SAMMY

so I had to write a paper and I'm rushing to get this in...blinks...whats new anyways I have been so off in like the idol hunting and I have felt so detached from this game since I have only been to tribal once? but I think the people in danger would be like Madison or Jake? they have both been brought up to me by daisy...and in all seriousness I would be fine with that? I honestly really am only prioritizing Jones and Daisy in this tribe. I feel fine with my position in this game and I even got a point from the flash games. Luckily Daisy won for us in the tiebreaker and we were able to barely escape tribal. I really do hope I can continue to avoid tribal so that I can get as far into this to make it to the more individual stage of this game.

DAISY

https://youtu.be/3kCYnxDIdQY

TRIBAL COUNCIL

#cowsurvivor #confessionals

[moss-sprouted]

im going to preface this by saying im

not a super fan of deluca,he's been just kinda blah and i thought him and meredith were cute even if random,but thats mostly cause i wanted her desperately to be happy and this is before there was any idea of him having a mental illness

That being said,I really relate to his character in the mental health way,at least some of his behavior in the episode that hinted he could he bipolar (i think his dad was bipolar i cant remember please correct me if im wrong but they used mania/manic a Lot)because my father is bipolar and i've had an inkling i might be too(that or bpd,not sure) Do i think they chose the right character to make bipolar? No,because people already have a negative view on him and adding the mental illness ontop of that could make people view his character the wrong way. Do i think his character is abusive and manipulative? Yes,and that may be do to his possible mental illness or not,either way i think it sets a bad example because not everyone that is bipolar is that way,and it shines a bad light on the illness and i think his character should handle things better and seek help But i can acknowledge that in a manic state its very hard to control your emotions and actions

and i'm saying all this because i've seen a Lot of people ramp up their hate for him after this last episode where he was revealed as possibly bipolar(?)and i think people need to think about how that looks before they shit all over his character,yes his character sucks yes he'd abusive but some people will and probably do(i do) relate to his mania,and his actions,not in the abuse sense but the unpredictable manic sense, and dismissing his character and calling all of his actions crazy or wrong,can make a lot of people feel "oh im bad and wrong for having mania" when you should be emphasing your hate for his character by itself,and his abusive and manipulative actions

if you can do that for nico who may not even be mentally ill,and acknowledge he's being abusive without knocking on all gay asian men,why can't you do the same for a (possibly) bipolar person?

His (possible)bipolar disorder does not make him abusive,or wrong,it does not condone his actions or behavior or make them right but if this turns into a positive and healthy representation for bipolar disorder that could be really really vital for bipolar people

i just hope they do that sooner than later,and i really wish they had chosen a different character to give those traits too

like how they gave Bailey OCD,and the veterans PTSD,and Alex's family's i Think schizoprenia? not sure,but anyway theres other examples of which they end up showing recovery and how people can live a healthy life with a mental illness or disorder

but theyre already fucking up the show a lot anyway lately so i doubt they're going to treat deluca's mental illness with any respect because they sure as fuck didnt with his dad

[bassistrosetta-blog]

I may be mean, but I DO have empathy and sympathy.

Well, it's 5 in the morning and I'm wide awake. I was told not to respond to all the mean things people said about me on the internet, especially when I'm in an angry frame of mind, well I didn't listen. And it didn't make me feel any better. I erased them eventually. Now that I am in a calm state of mind and I've been taking my meds dilegently, I think I can explain my feelings without anyone getting too offended. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I can't force you to agree, but fact is this is how I feel. Sorry.

I deleted my Facebook recently. Writing my thoughts impulsively or when I am triggered was pretty much always a habit, starting with my Xanga in like 2005. It comes from extreme anger, dispair, desperation and just crying for help. I recently got kicked out of my band because of this habit. It reminded me that not many people like me and it's mainly because of my posts. People think they know me just because they read my posts, but they're wrong. So wrong. Then they think they have the right to spread rumors about how I am a terrible person. It happens so much I actually believe people when they call me a bitch, an asshole, an attention whore, trash and just an overall shitty person. Just because of my posts, especially the mean ones. I FUCKING HATE IT when people say it's not my bipolar disorder, I am just being an asshole. Well I'll tell you all that I take full responsibility for my actions and live with the consequences once I realize I'm wrong. Ask my family and my boyfriend. I can be an asshole when I'm manic, depressed or feeling normal, so I'm not gonna blame the blasting people on facebook on my bipolar disorder. I get psycho sometimes. Idk. But you all come off judging me like you have a PhD or something. NO ONE can tell me I'm being an asshole and it's not caused by my bipolar except for my psychiatrist and maybe my counselor. Not you.

Yes, I regret my posts that either blast people out of anger or expose my desperation and dispair. I'll admit it, I fucked up time after time. Consqeuently, I am embarrassed, humiliated and my sorrys don't mean anything anymore because people experience my bullshit all the time. My sincere apologies are outdated and I get it. These are the consequences.

I am envious, I am angry, I am insecure, then I'm cocky, I'm no role model. I don't want people to believe that what I do is okay. I take my own risk when I post what I am feeling, but I should write a book, not put it on facebook. People don't care and when they do it bothers them I guess because mental health is a touchy subject. On rare occasions, I have someone message me saying thank you for posting how I feel because they are reminded they're not alone. That makes me feel good. Imagine if I wrote a book instead? 😌

As for putting people on blast. I will carry that burden for years to come. I dug my own grave. My reputation is kind of screwed up here in the valley. Either people don't care or people are talking shit about me left and right. I'm aware. I sometimes get episodes of paranoia because of it. I go to a gig and I cant tell who hates me and who's against me. Who read my posts and who didn't. I carry a knife with me because I feel like people are out to get me. I'm always peaking out the window and making sure my cutians are shut. The anxiety is horrible. I wouldn't wish it upon anybody, not even the people I've blasted. So yes, I do suffer as a result of my actions because I have some empathy and some sympathy. I am not a sociopath. I have empathy towards people with mental illness. I have sympathy when I am not angry toward those I've hurt. I am sorry, but like I said, apologies mean nothing now. You could say what I've done is unforgivable. I understand the error of my actions. I asked a past psychiatrist (cause I've had many) if I have borderline personality disorder instead but after much evaluation, she insisted I have bipolar disorder 1, not a personality disorder. This means I have some control over my actions so people should not feel sorry for me. Bipolar is treatable and my 6 medications are working just fine for me rn. I'd like to try cbd oil one day though. 🤔

I am currently seeing a counselor about my anger issues. I'm working to improve myself now that I'm aware of my errors. I started out by deleting my Facebook, but I still blast a little on instagram but not as much I think. Idk. I will have to fix that. I want to be a way better person, mostly for my music career, my family and myself. If I fix it, I'll be happier. And who doesn't want to be happy? 🥰

Thanks for reading

Ileana xo💋

[satyrcon]

life update?

hey yall so this is another diary post because im just trying to once again reflect on my shit and sort of manifest some thoughts and slaughter some others.

today marks the one year anniversary of my first date with my demon ex. i can’t believe how much i remember him and how saddened i still feel about it. i should be happy that he is not in my life anymore but for some reason i am just so saddened, and even a little bit bitter. even though i am in a very happy relationship right now and much prefer this guy over him, its just a little bit heartbreaking to remember how optimistic i was, and how shitty things ended up being.i lost my job over this guy. i burned some bridges. thank god the job itself was stupid and insignificant in the grand scheme of things, but wow.  

i think at the root of it, i am just sad that this time last year, i thought i was invincible, and now, on this day, i don’t feel like that anymore. a year ago i was ferocious and manic. i had everything in my life under control. i had no responsibilities and little worry about the future. now i am a ball of anxiety, im scared of things that wouldnt phase me a year ago. i am cautious and extremely worried. i’m also settled down, and even though i love it, it scares me.

conformity has always been something that has terrified me. four years ago i was adamant on not selling out, pursuing art, doing what makes me happy, and every year after that i’ve slowly crawled back into my shell, embarassed by my ambition. i wanted to be colourful and i was. but now i am feeling grey. i’m happy that i was able to let it all out of my system but now, more than ever i’m sad that ive decided to let it all go. i don’t know what happened. social pressure, anxiety, the many horror stories i’ve wittnessed, i just wish i never wanted to be creative in the first place.

i can’t help but think i am approaching the end of an era. i don’t know if its for better or for worse. i am so happy about so many things, and it mainly comes from my boyfriend. without him, i think i would truly hate myself. 

i’m in talks about starting therapy, but what scares me the most about it is that i need to actually work on myself and restrain myself. i’ve already started by abstaining from drugs and not going overboard with the drinking. i feel like that is slightly more easier to control, but my real guilty pleasures are with the cigarettes and the food.

smoking cigarettes is horrible. they make me feel like shit, and i always finish a pack and go a few days without them and i feel fine. but then a social situation pops up and i just NEED one. so i buy them, then i reluctantly smoke them. its awful and i hate how they are a social crutch to me. i feel like i need to be seen smoking to look interesting, which is so backwards to think i need that but its sadly true. i know nobody cares, and i have a boyfriend. but there is something about being looked at that i can’t get enough on.

thats something that i crave, even when im with somebody i am crazy about. i will never cheat, but just the fact that i am being looked at, even as an object gives me the energy to live. i want people ive been with to crave me and know they can’t have me. i need to unlearn this but i know if i do, i will let myself go. i want to be young forever.

on the other hand my relationship with food is absolutely atrocious. i simply just cant control myself. ive tried counting calories but i end up rounding things off and convincing myself im doing fine when im not. i want to work out but its just hard for me to just jump into things. its awful and its stupid but i literally stop myself each time. if you put food in front of me i will eat it even when it physically hurts. i know i am gaining weight and so far it hasn’t really changed how i look, just more how i feel. i know 2 years ago i was a lot thinner and a lot more confident. i hate how i look like. i wish i could just change. but its my biggest form of comfort and i dont know how to change. i want to change. and i will change. i need to force myself to.

#sad

[boltspat]

ozai sucked, but so did ursa: a much needed meta on how ursa was just as much of a catalyst as ozai was for azula’s jealousy & psychosis

SO... when i was little, i never thought critically about cartoons, but also i always wrote off azula as just a jealous sibling gone bad. of course, now i think deeper into her AMAZING character & mentality.  when thinking about her, i often focus on ozai ; but let’s get to the rind of azula’s mind. which clearly is her mother.

let’s begin !!

FAVOURITISM .         no, this isn’t just the few instances where azula was the bad kid & zuko cried to his mother’s side           it’s much more than that & shown in multiple occasions but each time we view azula as the problem child.    clearly, she was troubled; she was very much like her father & showed worrying signs of SOMETHING.   but ursa, instead of viewing these & attempting to help her, would punish her.

you can already see in this scene that ursa is paying more attention to zuko       even ozai has his back turned to the family. you can see azula calmly walking behind them, drawn in such a sad & lonely way, as zuko & ursa are smiling & conversing ahead.

then, azula suddenly ( perhaps for attention )  burns a flower, then casually explains that it wasn’t as pretty as the others, so it SHOULD’VE been burned. ( which also could mean she thought her mother thought this way, too & wanted to be praised for getting rid of it )

instead of asking where she got the idea that uglier / weaker things don’t DESERVE to let live, she tells her she’s disrespectful to the royal garden.

right after, as any angry child would, azula shoots a small flame at her brother for being the one to tell on her. what was ursa’s reaction?

she then turns to zuko, who is now crying, & asks if he’s ok. not asking at all if azula is ok, when she’s the child burning ugly flowers. she tells azula to think of her actions but does nothing to do so herself.    ( only when it suits her, to blame ozai )    zuko asks why azula is so mean        but in this instance, she really wasn’t. she did something odd, got told on. she didn’t suddenly burn zuko, she didn’t suddenly set the bushes they were in front of on fire ; she did something on her own accord for her own ( taught ) reasons.

now, there are plenty of scene in the show that show how close zuko & his mother are, i could dissect each when azula is brought up but honestly it’s the same thing. yes, there are scenes were azula is cruel to zuko as a child  ( telling him about his father killing him )  but ursa’s reactions to some of azula’s doings are... bad.

anyway, in the above scene, ozai is shown to look over his shoulder to see ursa consoling zuko & looks bitter. for once i can say, me too ozai. which brings me to my next point. 

USING HER ( ozai does this too but what’s new ) OWN CHILDREN AS A WAY TO GET BACK AT THE HUSBAND SHE DOESN’T LOVE.

now, again, we all know ozai does this. but as i said in this post right away, ozai is terrible; but so is ursa. ( at least to azula )

we know from the show that the mother was sent away & ozai had a very blatant favourite.

ursa is shown, even in azula’s hallucinations, to NOT have a favourite; just that all those incidents of azula doing something or the other & ursa automatically going for shielding zuko were her being concerned. ( wonder why azula got the notion that her mother feared her & thought her a monster ? )

but it’s quite clear both parents picked their favourite child. a terrible thing to do in general, but a worse thing to exploit to get at each other.

first, let’s talk about THIS SCENE.

what a genuine look of concern on ursa’s face, right? just before this, she grabbed azula’s arm & pulled her into the hallway to ask these things. why does she ask about THIS, but never once was shown or implied to have asked azula where she gets her violent tendencies, morbidity & aggressiveness toward her brother?    ( which i doubt ursa didn’t get that azula was jealous but... whatever...... )

so after azula admits to hearing what would ‘be done’ to zuko, because since the situation affected him that’s why ursa inquires about it at all, azula puts on a facade of being scared for zuko. sure, it’s an act. but... oh, what’s this?

hey. that’s a pretty quick switch, mother!   you were just concerned for azula for hearing something so terrifyingly scarring, right? would you not be worried for both children? one being the target of being murdered, the other overhearing the plot? oh... wait. no, because the first point in this post. & all you wanted was to know what ozai was doing.

next, ursa aids ozai in his awful murder plot. he admits the children are his collateral & we established he’s fucking awful.

NOW, THE LETTER.

if you haven’t read the comics, here’s a short summary of what i’m talking about: ursa wrote to her ex-lover & called zuko THEIR son.  that’s all you need to know for this point.

obviously, she doesn’t want her child....ren(?).... to end up like her abusive husband. in this, i understand. but... she wished that ZUKO wasn’t ozai’s. .........ursa... my girl... no.

she didn’t write OUR CHILDREN. she wrote OUR SON.  & then admitted it was just what she wished to be true. she then snaps & says she doesn’t want zuko to ever end up like ozai ; which further proves that azula’s likeness to her father ( which in my last meta i’ve written about how obvious it was that it was a coping mechanism / way to avoid her father’s wrath / disapproval ) is what estranged ursa from her.

her true love, the man she never let go, the man she chose a life with in the end, the man she had another daughter with          ursa wished that he was the father. of zuko, only, though.

NEXT POINT, NICE SEGUE,  KIYI.

i don’t even need to get into this, as azula clearly states what she thinks of this & how it affects her:

& this isn’t some poetic metaphor       it’s genuine. she truly believes this

just as much as she believes this.     ( & all her hallucinations )

FINALLY, URSA’S.... APOLOG... ?????

azula grew up in a toxic environment, the only one showing a pure, true love for her being the one she had a manic jealousy of & felt she COULDN’T love back.

azula plummets into psychosis from age 14 to age 16. she’s a child & her psyche is ruined       all by means she had no control over. ( see: azula joining the gaang in the comics & only being subdued & told off when she reacts to hallucinations or snaps because she believes ursa is behind everything )

she fits her father’s ideals to avoid being treated like the brother she grew to hate & in doing so further isolates herself from her mother & brother. 

her psychosis is not going to clear up with words, it will not clear up with actions. at this point, azula cannot get better; mental health wise. she will always have hallucinations, paranoia & complexes. she will always live with her eyes open & her choices thrown in her face & her broken idea of her destiny.

what does she get other than that? this:

& I AM FUCKING LIVID.

is this supposed to be an apology? an excuse? closure?    IT’S NOT.

not only does ursa regurgitate this to someone who does not need to hear it either:

( mind u she pulls this shit after azula runs away... which doesn’t seem to worry ursa much. until later, of course. when the plot needs it. )

but the apology or what have you is shitty.

i’m sorry i didn’t love you enough?           it’s more like a confession, really. 

as i said earlier, even azula’s hallucinations showed more love for her than ursa truly did. ( the one time they showed ursa showing azula affection was when she was banished & azula was deep asleep lol )            & now she admits she didn’t feel it enough.

she basically says ‘sorry i hated u lol’         but when she says it to zuko, she gets further into it, explaining that she’s sorry she chose to forget ( albeit she then goes on to explain WHY which makes the apology... moot. )

azula is ruined & her mother, before even actually knowing her past, gives a half-assed apology that actually probably messes with azula’s hallucinations even more.    the image of her mother is her constantly saying ‘you’re wrong, i love you. find your true destiny.’ but she’s given ‘i didn’t love you enough, if it’s true idk lol’

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAANYWAY. i could go off about that apology for ages, it seriously fucks me up. 

again, i know ursa is her own character & i even understand why they wrote her / her actions in these ways. but that doesn’t change the fact that it affected azula & i haven’t seen posts about it & i just wanna belch it out anyway.

everyone in the royal family, save for ozai, had to do awful things. they were all justified in their own ways, but nevertheless terrible. zuko quickly redeemed himself by stopping his hunt to destroy peace. azula COULD provide some help in that sense & was not BORN evil. ursa was in an abusive marriage & had a single way out to save one of her children.

but yeah i love azula & her parents actually sucked really bad but so did her writers bc i mean who wrote her off i just wanna talk like u cant do th

#♛ . ❛ ANGEL DESTROYED . // ooc . #meta #fuckin..... long #IM BITTER!!!!!!!!!!! #FUCK THE FIRE KINGDOM PARENTS

[puthyjuth]

i've been having real bad sleep I need to start journaling again cuz I have a lotta thots and I just feel bad cuz i can tell some of it is just projecting but there's no where to dump , i guess tumblr but idk i don't wanna dump that much on here

anyway yesterday i kept having this recurring thought "if you just let go of cringe/corniness you can actually be happy"

i made this spiritual joke to my anti spiritual (she kinda makes fun of ppl into astrology and honestly most ppl) "super logical" stem housemate (who was once one of my closest friends) the day before like "yknow i heard that mirrors are portals and mirrors that face each other are basically super portals sooo maybe that explains all the drama that happens in our neighborhood with the screaming lol" and she changed the convo kind of in a way that's like i don't believe in that stuff

now i know ppl are allowed to not be spiritual but also she believes in ghosts and a little bit of the 4th dimension so it would've been kinda funny to at least play with the idea cuz she IS a really good conversationalist. like idk even tho i half believe it i also don't take myself too seriously ? i'm thinking it's just my projection onto her cuz i don't want to sound/be stupid by being spiritual esp around her cuz ik she has strong opinions and she's always making fun of ppl for just being "cringe" and i believe if ppl just stopped judging others aka herself from enjoying cringe things maybe she would be a lot less h*teful of a person

idk i honestly took a long break from talking to her bc yea we just outgrew each other and i ended up talking to her halfway thru the lease because she had a LOT of huge bpd-like depressive/manic episodes with huge outbursts like screaming and crying often and was mean to her cat. And she affected everyone in the house myself included and basically i told her "i'm not asking you to heal and I don't think your trauma or trauma responses is your fault AND it's not ok to project it onto others and take it out on us because we're all being hurt in this house by you, the cats included." you don't have to control your emotions but the way she constantly externalized her stress onto us was really unhealthy for all of us. Like i literally STILL get stiff with anxiety and can't sleep even now when she starts yelling at night in her room even if it's just at a video game or smth.

However now we're all on talking terms, i guess, and idk i just don't have anything to talk to her about these days cuz all we did before was project onto other ppl and talk shit lol. yea i cant deny i Love talking shit and it's still funny to do/hear cuz Um i can't just get rid of my instinctual chisme but i can also recognize i'm basically just talking about all the things i hate in myself that i see in others. funny how the most outspoken about hating white ppl and hating men but also hating like every person, every trend, every hobby, every THING, could also be rampant misogynists because, shocker, talking shit about other women constantly can be a form of projecting & self hate

Like dam i'm really at that point again like at the end of hs where i felt i'd never find friends similar to me and now it's finding (queer) ppl who seek healing and actively try to unlearn and communicate their boundaries and don't take themselves too seriously but obviously they're out there and I'm excited to move out and meet new ppl who i don't have to step on eggshells around or feel like i have to be careful about everything i say not to be "cringe" just so they'll like me. i really do want her to be happy and to heal but some ppl are not ready to heal and also i'm not obligated to walk her thru every little step and be an emotional sponge and potentially traumatize myself in the process