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heaven4lostgirls · 22 days

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Can you pretty pleaaassse write for regulus black x reader angst

Where they were friends and got along really well and because they're both pureblooded there families arranged marriage for them. But then regulus gets paranoid and starts to think badly of you and thinks that you were only ever nice to him so that your parents would arrange marriage. And he thinks that you hold the same awful pureblood beliefs as both of your parents and he is afraid to say anything about it incase you tell his family that he doesn't really believe that muggles are lesser. Then regulus is quite distant and mean in your marriage and he eventually comes to his senses when he realises how upset you are and how much his distance hurts you and he can hear you crying yourself to sleep

pairing: regulus black x fem!reader

warning: angst, regulus is a bit of a dick but he comes around ! miscommunication (i’m sorry✊)

summary: request above

authors note: hi! sorry this took forever, i’m really bad at keeping up with requests but i hope you enjoy this, i always say im hoping to get back into writing but it’s always touch and go, my mental health isn’t great a lot of the time and uni just piles on so much more, hopefully you guys understand ! 🫶🩷

regulus wasn’t used to people sticking around, he had been abandoned by the only person he ever truly cared about and left to fend for himself. which was why he assumed when news of his engagement to you was announced by his parents, at a shared dinner party for the sacred 28, you two would simply…co-exist. never fully acknowledging the others presence yet acquaintances at best.

what a shock to his system it was when he grew to know what a wonderful person you were, never abrasive or hostile like his parents, never boastful like most of the pureblood families he knew, instead you were the embodiment of everything he never knew he wanted, a calm to the raging angst inside of him he couldn’t quell after sirius had left, and that alone left him scared more than any of his parents threats to present him to the dark lord as a servant.

you two had formed a quick friendship due to the circumstances surrounding your fast paced engagement, you were set to marry next august and your engagement had only been announced in april. regulus had no problem performing his duties to his family, however this one came with little to no reluctance from either of you as feelings of love and respect blossomed from the friendship you two shared.

however, as time passed, regulus could slowly but surely feel his walls he had fought so hard to build up, crack. he couldn’t fathom why someone like you would feel so comfortable around him, how you somehow managed to worm your way under his skin like no one ever could, not even sirius.

except as time flew by, he had somehow found some of that “gryffindor courage” as james potter always declared, to tell you about his feelings, emphasizing that if you wished, he would never bring up again if you did not reciprocate and you two would still move forward together into marriage as friends.

to his surprise, you were much more welcoming to his feelings than expected, you two had shared a small kiss as you leant your forehead against his and claimed “i was just waiting for you to see me.”

since you two were already a couple in the eyes of the public, the only people he had really had to tell was your shared friends. as expected, they all reacted joyfully to the news and you both carried through the rest of your year no longer pretending to be in love, but actually falling into it.

however, at the beginning of your 6th year, you could tell something had shifted between yours and regulus’ dynamic. no longer was he patient and comforting, instead he was judgmental and fast to anger. some part of you knew it had to do with his parents but you didn’t have the heart to push your questions onto him.

as time passed you watched as he distanced himself from you, pushing away your touches, rejecting your offers to hang out, blowing you off when he would eventually agree. you could only handle so much of his behavior before you eventually broke when telling your friends.

“i don’t know what to do anymore, it’s like walking on eggshells whenever he’s around because im scared of him snapping at me for breathing too loud” you vent to your friends as you place your hands on your eyes to try keep the tears at bay.

“how longs this been going on y/n?” pandora asks softly as she shares a concerned look with lily. you blubber out as answer that sounds like “a couple of months” as tears leak past your palms.

“i can’t keep doing this” you emphasize to them both, “and you know i can’t break up with him because we still have to get married-“

“break up?!” lily questions surprised, “you can’t be serious y/n.” she says as she places a hand on your shoulder.

“i think you need to talk to him” pandora says again as she smiles softly at you as you look at her with tear filled eyes.

“…what if he doesn’t want me anymore?” you whisper, too afraid to say it out loud in fear of it coming true.

“oh love” lily coos as she drags you into a small cuddle with her and pandora, “you’re gonna need to ask him to know that y/n” she whispers as she rubs your back.

you sigh heavily and nod before looking at the both of them. “okay” you concede as you try and form some sort of a plan to confront regulus, your anxiety spikes at the thought of him not wanting your relationship anymore, you couldn’t imagine a marriage with the man you loved where his feelings weren’t reciprocated.

the next day, you planned to corner regulus at the library before dinner but as you walked up to his table, you heard the voice of not only regulus, but barty as well.

“reg, you know you’re hurting her by ignoring her” barty says with a sigh as you pause behind a bookshelf near the table to eavesdrop.

“you know better than i, that i can never be with someone who thinks the way she does…its disgusting” regulus says with a sneer but you can hear how disappointed he is by the statement.

disgusting? he thinks i’m…disgusting? what is he even talking about? you don’t think you’ve ever done anything remotely bad enough to be called disgusting.

“how do you know she thinks like them?” barty implores and you hear regulus sigh, “you’ve seen how she acts when the sacred 28 talks about the muggles” he says and you frown, part of being a child of one of the sacred 28 meant you had to act your part, regulus knew that better than anyone else. so why was he suddenly judging you and telling barty about your issues when he couldn’t even give you the time of day?

“i don’t know if i can marry someone like her” regulus says again and your heart drops. someone like her, you repeat in your head, every insecurity you ever worked through, comes back in tenfold from that sentence alone. you stumble on your feet from the flashes of tears and heartache from all your deepest points of sorrow.

you shake your head and straighten your back before reminding yourself, if he wants a true pureblood wife, that’s what i’ll be. quiet, docile,…perfect.

your wedding approaches faster than you can imagine, dress fittings, bridal party dresses and events all pass with a blur. never fully there, you encompass a state of numbness.

regulus and all your friends notice how you slowly fall into the facade you usually have in front of your parents, instead this time, it never breaks in front of them.

regulus waits for you to come to him, to seek his comfort like you have so many times before, but it never comes.

he spends his nights worrying about you, questioning if it’s something he’s done, you’re still sweet and loving to him, just…more hollow than you were before.

you embody the perfect pureblood princess and he couldn’t hate it more, he hears from people around you how you’re not sleeping, always coming to class in a perfect face of makeup everyday when you usually only used skincare, in beautiful dresses for hogsmead days when you used to use comfortable clothes.

he tries to talk to you, to question why you’ve somehow flipped the switch out of nowhere, but they go unanswered.

the day of your wedding, he can see past the makeup, your sunken in eyes and red eyes. he still places a soft smile on his face as you stare passively into the distance, never making eye contact with him while saying your vows.

the distance between the both of you grows larger as he starts to believe that this was the life you truly wanted, a prince and princess, a couple born out of need not out of love, arranged perfectly to fit the narrative of pureblood royalty.

however, one night he falls asleep later than usual and hears you cry into your pillow, small pleas of being good enough for him as your body shakes with small sobs. he resists the urge to reach out to you in fear of you not recieving his touch well.

he lies awake as he hears you say, “i’m not like i was before, please let him love me now, oh merlin please” you whisper with clenched hands and eyes that leak tears. his heart breaks at the thought of you existing to please him.

he had seen how his mother had done the same for his father, how she turned cold and abusive with no comfort and love from her partner, how she pushed her self hatred onto her children. how that pushed her eldest son to run away.

he spends the next week racking his brain for what he could’ve done for you to think that way before he realises that the summer after his 5th year, his parents had implored him never to give you anything more than the bare minimum because nobody could be trusted. he remembers pulling away from you and pushing you away in fear of you using him for his fortune.

the idea that his parents had made him internalize that you would never love him just for him, you were moving into this marriage not because of your shared love but because of necessity. his heart drops out of his chest as he realizes all of this must have translated to you and that he now had a lot to make up for.

he plans out meticulously how to get his wife back and slowly but surely, he does. it starts with small things, a single flower that you had told him once you liked the smell of on your nightstand, a pair of earrings you remarked look beautiful when window shopping. a handwritten letter telling you goodmorning and his favorite things about you in your bag before class.

your initial confusion morphs to anger at the thought of changing yourself all for him to want you to go back to the self he called repulsive. you don’t respond to his initial attempts to woo you, but as weeks and months pass, he doesn’t give up.

he speaks to you, really speaks to you, asking you about your day, how he can help you when you’re not feeling well, what you need whenever he leaves the house, small compliments about your cooking or how the colour of your dress matches your eyes.

you two start sharing small good mornings and good nights when going to bed, which then translates to small hand holding or shared touches between each other. the ice around your heart slowly but surely starts melting whenever he’s around, you quickly become accustomed to his quick kisses on the cheek whenever he leaves the room or house.

he holds you at night as he whispers sweet promises of never letting you down again, grasping your face to look into your eyes whenever he compliments you to let you know how much you mean to him.

your heart is now warm and full at the thought of his presence, no longer a shell of yourself, slowly but surely healing with his sweet actions.

#juliwrites #marauders #regulus black #regulus black x reader #regulus black angst #regulus x reader #r.a.b #regulus black drabble #regulus black angst x reader #regulus black x fem!reader #regulus x reader angst #regulus angst #harry potter angst #marauders era #marauders era angst

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fengxun · 8 months

Text

NOTHING IS LOST (YOU GIVE ME STRENGTH) – FUSHIGURO MEGUMI & READER

As minimal as this may seem, you wonder if he knows how much it means to you that he came. Your days have been lonely with you feeling increasingly out of touch with everything, but everything feels fine with Megumi by your side. Or, the one where you find your way back home.

TAGS.⠀gender-neutral reader; ambiguous relationship; childhood friends; aged-up au/canon divergence; brief smoking; angst & hurt/comfort; mental health issues, talks of death/suicide ideation, implied past suicide attempts; mild gore; near-death experiences; drifting apart and coming back together. hopeful/happy ending. SFW. 3,9k words

A/N.⠀my first work after so long and it's just a ventfic LOL sorry i have been looping phoebe bridgers and lorde for ages.

CROSS-POSTED ON AO3

For as long as you can remember, you’ve always felt things fervently.

One moment you’d feel euphoric, like you’re walking on air and nothing can get you down, but then everything crumbles and you’re left as nothing but an empty husk. It’s ironic how emptiness can feel so heavy, a constant weight on your shoulders, constant tugs at your heartstrings.

Despite all the things you hate about yourself, there’s still one part of you that you’ll always remember with pride: there is no limit to the unconditional love you can give to people. It’s taken some time for you to decide you want to live and love as much as you can.

But for some reasons you couldn’t fathom, these days, you feel as though your love is forced. Unnatural. Ingenuine. Like it’s just something you’ve gotten used to doing passively. Like you no longer believe, like you are living a lie.

In a way, maybe you are. The longer you are surrounded by your fellow Jujutsu sorcerers, the more aware you become of how rotten this world can get. Plagued with death, unhappiness and turmoil on every corner, and with humans repeating the same mistakes, you’ve begun to believe that this is all hopeless. You’re well aware that it’s quite a pessimistic view to hold, but in the world that you are in, you find that it keeps you grounded. A realist.

Or, as your beloved teacher Gojo Satoru would call you, a downer.

The sound of his voice referring to you as such makes you click your tongue in irritation. There’s not much you know about him, but the bitter part of you believes that he of all people should at least understand how you feel. You hold your position as a jujutsu sorcerer in high regard and with honour, but as time passes by, you’ve started to contemplate if it’s even worth it at all.

You wonder if people know that you weren’t always this way — as a child, you were bright-eyed and innocent, full of love for people and the world. Growing and going through life shattered it all, making you a husk of what you once were, and even now, you still don’t know who you’re supposed to be.

You lie and you cheat, tricking people into believing that you’re independent and fine on your own, but you are lonelier than words can describe.

And just what do you live for? You’ve survived time and time again by sheer instinct and reflex, but you still don’t know what your purpose is. You fight and you risk your life to keep other people safe at the cost of your wellbeing. Every day is a task to complete for the greater good, but what’s in store for you? You’ve grown distant from your parents — on your end, anyway; it’s difficult to read people — and your once close friends rarely contact you anymore. All you have are your peers, but you still feel so out of place among them.

The cigarette burns between your fingers as you stare off into space by the edge of the river. At the mere age of nineteen, you feel as though you’ve lived several lives, all of which have harrowed you to no end. Nicotine flows in your system as you take yet another drag, wondering if this is what your youth was meant to be. Years of saving the city in favour of feeling like you’re wanted, needed should’ve made you feel happy. Yet here you are, alone in the streets of Tokyo, all because there’s nothing waiting for you at home.

“I didn’t know you smoked,” a voice says from beside you. It’s deep and quiet, almost monotonous, but you’d recognise the hint of concern anywhere. Megumi slightly grimaces at the sight of you exhaling a cloud of smoke.

“I don’t.” With a scoff, you put out the cigarette in the ashtray and turn to face him instead. “How’d you know I’d be here?”

He frowns. It amuses you how it seems to have been a permanent expression etched on his face since you were kids. You don’t remember if you’ve ever seen him with a different look, but that’s on you, you suppose. You haven’t spent much time with him for a while now. Time ages you and your weariness distances you from those you wish to stay close to.

When he doesn’t reply, you speak up again, “I'm trying.”

“I know.” He glances at you. As blunt as he sounds, you know he means well; that’s just the way he is. He looks like he has more to say but he doesn’t, instead opting to hand you a packet of your favourite mints. Any other time you’d take it as an insult, but you find yourself getting sentimental over the fact that he still remembers what you like.

“Thanks,” you mumble, popping one into your mouth. “Sorry, it’s been a long day.”

The corner of his lips quirks downward for a split second. With a quiet sigh, he lightly flicks your forehead, not reacting at all to the indignant yelp you let out.

“Where’s your jacket?” he asks in a chiding tone, though there isn’t any venom in it. “You’ll get sick. I don’t want you sneezing on me.”

“You always take care of me, though,” you grumble without thinking, putting on the jacket that was previously tied around your waist. Another beat passes before you realise what you’ve blurted out. Were you being too familiar with him? You’re not sure if he still wants to be friends after all that isolation you’ve been doing. You part your lips to apologise, but he interrupts with a huff and a flick to your forehead again.

“Shut up.” The pink flush on the tips of his ears betrays the irked expression he wears. You’re not sure whether it’s because of the chilly air or if it’s because he’s blushing, but it brings a smile to your face nonetheless. “Let’s go back.”

You were only twelve when you started seeing Curses everywhere you went.

You’d never been the type to get scared too easily, but there was something about those creatures that unsettled you to the core. They seemed horrifically disfigured and hungry, ready to pounce at any moment, and you could only be brave for so long. You tried telling your mother and your friends only to be met with suspicious and concerned looks.

They thought you were crazy. You didn’t blame them for that. You never believed in the paranormal, so this sudden change must’ve been quite a shock. It wasn’t until two years later did you learn what they were and that you could exorcise them, somehow like they did in the horror movies. Your memory of your recruitment is hazy, but you did remember sitting with Megumi and Gojo in the car and asking the most questions you’ve ever asked in your lifetime. Your new teacher found it amusing; your classmate, however, did not.

Your mother didn’t seem to mind sending you to a boarding school. With an elaborate lie about your full scholarship told by Gojo, she’d beamed in joy and helped you pack your bags. She’d be too busy to actually notice your absence, but that didn’t stop her from sending a message to check in on you every once in a while. At some point, you stopped responding. Not because you were annoyed, but rather, you just didn’t have the energy to.

Ironically, for a school with quite a handful of staff and students, you never felt lonelier in your life. You stuck by Megumi’s side for the sole reason that he was the only one you felt comfortable enough to approach. You didn’t talk to him much, but he was good company and you came to consider him a friend. Eventually, he started approaching you as well, and you’d spend time together like regular friends would do. It felt nice to be able to be around someone and not have to explain yourself all the time.

In hindsight, you think it’s your fault that you’re so distant from everyone now. You don’t quite know when it all began—the depressing thoughts, the near-uncontrollable impulses, the lack of care for your safety and well-being. Every time your teachers or a peer brought it up, you’d simply dismiss it as just a ‘hormone thing’ which seemed enough to make them stop asking. Megumi didn’t believe a thing. He doesn’t have to tell you for you to know that.

But what else could you do? You’re alone, and it’s not like anyone can help with whatever the fuck is happening in your head. Your mother got you in touch with professionals to help with your troubles, and even if she doesn’t say it much, you know she’s always worried sick and thinks you should just come home. You’ve been able to keep yourself in check since then, but with the sadness now mostly gone, you now have to deal with the void in your chest that plagues you constantly.

The forest surrounding the dormitories is quiet save for the leaves rustling in the wind and the cicadas chirping their evening tune. You’re not sure how long it’s been since your last official mission. You haven’t been good at keeping track of the time for a while now. But at the very least, you know that it’s been too long.

There’s no doubt Gojo had something to do with it, you think bitterly. Otherwise, you’d be as busy as your peers right now. If there’s one thing you hate about this place, it’s the fact that no one here ever really gives you a proper reason. You feel trapped, ignored, and maybe if you were more carefree you’d look past it, but you’re not. If they didn’t believe in your abilities, you’d show them; you don’t think being the underdog is that bad, after all. Maybe they’ll finally recognise your prowess and respect you.

With your heart pounding hard against your chest, you grab your ootachi and flee, letting your instincts guide you to wherever feels the most dangerous, exciting. The more rational part of you tells you that you’re going to be in trouble if you don’t turn back now, but you find that you really couldn’t care less.

You need to feel alive. You need to feel afraid, to feel something, anything. While you don’t mind resting, you also didn’t overwork yourself to the bone just to remain stagnant. You didn’t spend weeks training with every weapon the school had to offer just to let them rust. You didn’t hone your cursed techniques only to not use them at all. So punishment and criticism be damned, you’re going to do what you want whether people like it or not.

You find yourself standing in front of a dingy abandoned shrine in the woods. Unease settles in the air as you slowly creep into the light of the moon. It’s dim, incredibly so, but you can’t afford to be afraid of the dark now —you have something to prove, and you’re not going to let yourself be intimidated by something so childish. There are blood splatters on the cobblestone steps, both fresh and dried, and your grip tightens on the handle of your sword. Your instinct to fight rears its head within your body, adrenaline and the humane need to survive rushing through your veins, but you breathe and try to rein it all in.

You have to think.

(It’s quite ironic how for someone who doesn’t give a single shit about their life, you always fight your hardest so you can live.)

You take another step. A twig snaps beneath the weight of your foot. The dried leaves crunch and rustle like someone (or rather, something) is sizing you up, keeping itself unseen to take you by surprise. Incomprehensible gargled sentences echo from within and the stench of death and decay grows stronger. Even when fear starts to wrap you in its cold embrace, you walk through the gate and into the dark shrine. Your blood runs cold and your breath gets caught in your throat, but you force yourself to face the task at hand.

You’re met with a grotesque mass of green; all of its endless bloodshot eyes leer at you as its tendrils slither in your direction. Misshapen hands protrude from those tendrils and reach for you, taunting you with the blood and entrails stuck to their skin and nails, telling you that you are next.

Not today.

An aura of black and purple coats your sword as you withdraw it from its sheath. It’s not the best space to utilise such a long sword—the shrine is somewhat cramped and is lacking in space for mobility, much less combat —but you grit your teeth and decide that you will adapt. Electricity crackles from your blade, and without any more hesitation, you charge. Its tendrils are faster than you had anticipated; they come close to wrapping themselves around your legs until your cursed energy latches on to them and forces them to disintegrate.

The curse glares at you in fury. You can practically hear your heartbeat as you slash through its tendrils, splattering the wooden floors with its steaming blood. A guttural growl leaves the curse and the air feels thicker; it’s getting hard to breathe and your vision is starting to fade.

Am I going to die here?

There’s a sharp pain in your gut. The sword slips out of your grasp and blood sputters out of your lips. When you look down, you realise that the curse has pierced through you.

It hurts it hurts it hurts it fucking hurts.

But you can’t die here. Not like this, not without a fight.

Shakily, weakly, you put your hands together, breathe, and with the last of your strength, you fire a powerful blast that hits the curse square in the centre, making it screech in pain. Vapour rises from its form as it melts into the ground and eventually dissipates. A relieved sigh leaves you, but then the world spins, your body hurts even more, and before you know it, everything goes dark.

You fall into nothing.

(Somewhere not too far from the shrine, apprehension crawls into Fushiguro Megumi’s system.

He doesn’t hesitate. He follows the curse residue and he runs.)

You wake with a dull ache between your ribs.

The first thing you see is never-ending walls of white. There’s a generic decorative painting on the wall along with an old clock that tells you it’s a quarter past noon. Blearily, you realise that you’re in the infirmary, and judging from the soreness that spreads through your body and into your limbs, you’re still alive.

Somehow, you’re not as happy about it as you should be.

You feel like you’ve been through hell and back. In a way, you did. You’re too tired to regret your poor decisions from who knows how long ago, and you’re not a stranger to deliberately ignoring whatever makes you feel like shit. So you do just that all while staring blankly at the wall in front of you, hoping that you’ll eventually fall asleep again and forget. Maybe even not wake up until the month ends.

(You’ve come to a realisation that you don’t want to die anymore; you just want to stop existing for a while, get yourself together then come back when you’re ready. Like pausing a game or a video being played, you don’t lose the progress, but you sure as hell forget what the hell happened earlier.)

The door slides open. You contemplate pretending to be unconscious again, but your ears pick up heavy footfalls on the tiled floor and you decide maybe you shouldn’t.

“Hey, Ieiri-sensei,” you croak out, weakly raising two of your fingers in a peace sign. “I’m alive and moving.”

She hums, amused as she makes her way over to your bedside. “Yes, you are. How are you feeling?”

“Like shit?”

“Good. You would’ve been dead if Fushiguro-kun hadn’t found you. Can you stand?”

She gently urges you off the bed, hoisting you up by the shoulders as you try to maintain balance after being bedridden for hours. Or days. Or even weeks. You’re not sure.

“You’ve been unconscious for three days.”

The concerning duration of your bedridden state goes completely ignored. All you can think about is the mention of Megumi.

You would’ve been dead if Fushiguro-kun hadn’t found you.

“What do you mean he found me?”

She smiles wryly. “That boy’s been worried about you. Ran off from Satoru as soon as he felt a ‘weird pressure.’ What were you fighting?”

You shrug and wince at how stiff you feel. God, you hate this. Your legs are shaky as she helps you walk out of the infirmary and on the familiar path back to the dormitories. The school is quiet, making you wonder where everyone’s gone for the day.

“Some curse thing. Had tentacles and slimy skin. It was gross.”

“Well, that thing punctured you right there.” She gestures toward your chest. “Surprisingly it didn’t hit any vital organs, but you still lost a lot of blood. Did you exorcise it in the end?”

“I did.” A beat of silence passes. “Am I in trouble?”

“Yaga-sensei’s suspended you for a month. Oh, Fushiguro-kun. Just in time.” She helps you sit on a stone bench as Megumi approaches, his fingers furling and then relaxing by his sides. “They still need some support when they’re walking, but they’re healing quickly. They’ll be fine..”

“Thank you, ma’am.”

“I’m still in my thirties, silly.” She ruffles your hair affectionately. “Be careful, hm? Come see me if there’s anything else.”

As Ieiri-sensei takes her leave, Megumi sits down next to you on the bench. His brows furrow the same way they always do when he’s thinking of how to say something nicely. He opts for silence instead, eyeing you cautiously. It almost feels offensive, but it’s only then that you’re aware of the bandages that cover essentially your whole upper body, so you brush it off. If someone else were in your position, you’d be worried sick too.

You don’t think you’ve ever seen him this visibly upset (well, for someone like Megumi anyway) over anything, and knowing that it’s because of you strikes you with a pang of guilt. With your lips pursed, you avoid his demanding look and glance at your hands instead. The bruises have almost faded away by now. Ieiri-sensei must’ve worked herself to the bone to patch you up.

“I’m not happy, Megumi.” Your throat closes up and your nose burns as the tears start to form and fall. “I’ve been trying to force myself to feel something. It didn’t matter what it was. I just hate being like this all the time.”

It hurts to cry. It hurts trying not to. Your state of mind is in tatters and you’re desperately doing your best to hold yourself together, but the way he’s looking at you makes you drop your guard completely.

“I know I’m surrounded by people, but I still feel so alone.”

Megumi doesn’t say anything. That’s fine, you think. The last thing you’d want to do is pressure him to speak his mind. He takes every word into consideration and thinks a lot by default, and if he’s still the same boy you knew all those years ago, he’d prefer to let his actions speak for themselves.

“You didn’t have to come for me,” you murmur. “I’m sure you’ve got things to do.”

“No.” He pauses for a moment as if he’s trying to formulate what he wants to say into words that won’t feel like jabs. He huffs quietly. “I want to stay with you.”

Hearing him say those words practically has you melting on the spot, your heart fluttering as warmth rushes to your cheeks. You reach for his hand instinctively and with the slightest bit of hesitation, he responds by lacing your fingers together.

“I’m sorry.” Your voice comes out barely above a whisper. You don’t know if it’s because you’re still exhausted or if it’s because you’re worried you’ll upset him somehow. Either way, it takes so much out of you just to talk anymore. “I’m trying.”

He squeezes your hand softly. “I know.”

“I say that to you a lot, don’t I?” you chuckle, leaning against his shoulder. I’m trying. You tell it to him every time you don’t have anything else to say, but it hardly feels true. Or maybe you’re just overly critical of everything you do, expecting yourself to reach certain heights before you consider yourself enough.

“You are trying,” Megumi says. “Even now.”

You smile weakly. “You think so?”

“I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t.” He lets go of your hand and your heart sinks, wondering if you’d done or said something wrong, but then he gently flicks your forehead the same way he always used to do when you were kids. “I found you bleeding out on the ground.”

“Pretty gnarly, wasn’t it?” you joke, laughing nervously. He shoots you a glare that shuts you up immediately.

“We were worried about you,” he continues, ignoring your interruption. “I was worried about you. I thought you were going to die.”

“Is this the part where I tell you that all jujutsu sorcerers die at some point?”

“No.”

“I’m sorry,” you say meekly, “I didn’t know I was that important to you.”

“We grew up together.” You feel a slight weight as he rests your head on top of yours with a sigh. “You’ve always been with me. I don’t know what I’d do if you weren’t there.”

It’s unusual for him to be this open about his feelings; he’s never been the overly sentimental type like you are, so to have him be this vulnerable with you makes you feel like you’re going to burst. The cool breeze passes by as you hesitantly take his hand again, and for the first time in so long, you find yourself genuinely smiling. He cares about you. He loves you, despite what that voice in your head tells you otherwise. It’ll take a while for you to change or get used to knowing these things, but for him, you’ll do everything you can. You’ll live — if not for yourself, then for him. And as slow and tedious as your path to recovery may be, both physically and mentally, you think that it’ll be worth the endeavour because you’re not alone.

You are loved.

You are loved by him, and for now, that is enough to quell every anxiety in the back of your mind.

You glance at him. “Wanna watch a movie later?”

Almost imperceptibly, he smiles back. “Sure.”

(You never end up finishing the movie.

Halfway through, exhaustion gets the better of you, and you fall into a deep sleep on the bean bag you borrowed from the recreation room. When you wake in the morning, you’re sore and aching all over, but the blanket draped over your frame and the arm around your waist makes you forget about it for a moment.

With a content smile, you curl closer.

He’s still the same Megumi you’ve always known.)

#all #bitchcraftinc #fushiguro megumi x reader #megumi x reader #fushiguro x reader #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jjk x reader #jjk angst #megumi fushiguro x reader #tw: sui ideation #cw: body horror #? kind of. i describe a monster #cw: death #cw: smoking #yippiee

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buckybarnesss · 6 months

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"He does take stiles original body and the show doesnt talk about that" i suspected that and now im just What if due to it being a new body, technically, his old scars and such are gone. Stiles notices cause scars hes used to seeing from childhood are gone. It would probably send him into a spiral? Like sometimes you look at a scar from childhood and remember the memory with it, if one of those was from his mom teaching him to ride a bike and he remembered everytime he looked at it, but now its gone... i think Stiles would have a lot more hatred for the Nogitsune for taking even more from him than he originally thought.

the show really glosses over the significant trauma stiles had to have gone through. he was possessed. violated so intimately none of us can possibly fathom. his body, his face, the knowledge of his loved ones was used as a weapon against them. it used his mother's illness and death to make him lose hope. stiles watched his own body crumble into dust which would cause intense body dysmorphia one would think. then the cherry on top allison died.

i'm gonna plug way down we go by wolfspurr right here because i loved the details of stiles cataloging his body post-nogitsune and the fallout from the possession.

i still think it was a mistake in s4 to not address properly.

i get it. at the end of the day that's not the kind of show teen wolf was. the show explored death, trauma, grief and abuse but not at the level needed for that. none of these characters are healed by the end of the show. the only mental health professional we meet in the show is marin morell who is shady af and eichen house is an ethics black hole.

i think teen wolf's approach is best encapsulated at the end of lunar eclipse:

scott: stiles and i both feel it, every day, just like you said we would. and it makes me think about that quote jennifer used to start our first class... bcecause when I feel it, yeah, it's like... i'm looking "into the heart of an immense darkness." deaton: so, what do you do instead? scott: i look for my friends.

#my blog #thoughts on teen wolf #teen wolf #sterek

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the-catboy-minyan · 1 month

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i'm trying to comprehend your points about the terf-focused jkr discussion instead of holocaust denial focus, you are getting at something here i want to really understand from your perspective. i think people often come at these events through the lens of their own experience - for me i would fall under the mentally ill group that nazis identified as unworthy of existence but i don't see the holocaust at large as a primarily mental health community focused event, it was obviously an ethnic cleansing. i never put myself into the place of people targeted for ethnicity, religion, etc. by the nazis. i guess i'm asking - are you asking people to remember the totality of the holocaust and its staggering impact on Jewish people, not just take a detail and magnify it to focus on groups that have gained visibility in recent decades? if i misunderstand pls let me know! i want to understand these topics better, but if you don't want to explicate it that's all good too!

hi anon, thanks for the ask. sorry that my post wasn't clear, my thought process is a bit weird at times and i sometimes accidentally try to make multiple points at once, or forget my point halfway.

my problem wasn't that people are focusing on queer aspects of the holocaust too much, I'm queer myself. my problem was that people (in general) looked at JKR's behaviour and acted like:

of course she would stoop this low to engage in holocaust denial, she's a terf! only "evil" people can do such a vile thing as holocaust denial.

saying Nazis didn't burn books about gender affirming care is the worst act of holocaust denial you can engage in ever!!!

it being holocaust denial is a major part of why it's horrible.

now for why I think that:

pretending like only objectively horrible people like JKR are the only people who engage in holocaust denial is ignoring the rise of holocaust denialism we've seen from both the right and the left in recent months. there are people who have actively denied parts of the holocaust "calling out" jkr on it, while also insisting they're not denying parts of the holocaust because "they're right and the history books are wrong actually".

people are tweeting "hitler was right" or "hitler should have finished the job" every fucking day, recently AI translated videos on one of his speeches got circulated on social media positively. people are denying the death count is really 6 million Jews, or that the holocaust happened at all. JKR is denying specific books were burned, not that book burnings never happened or that they "weren't that bad", it's disgusting but it's nowhere near as bad as people make it out to be.

she's not denying those book burnings because she thinks there's no way Nazis would have stooped this low or whatever, she's denying them because she can't fathom trans people existing in history (the horror!). is it holocaust denial? well it's an important event that happened as part of the holocaust and she's denying it, so technically yes, but she's denying it because she's transphobic, not because she's actually denying a holocaust event. like, the reason people are mad isn't because they were burned during the holocaust and she saying they weren't, it's because it was books about trans research and she's saying they never existed.

I hope this makes more sense, thanks again for the ask, I highly respect people going out of their way to listen to other people's perspectives (this is something I also try to do myself). please feel free to engage with and discuss this post and my take, this is my personal opinion, not an objective fact, and others may see this differently.

#asks #antisemitism #holocaust denial #jkr #fuck jkr

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nansheonearth · 11 months

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I’m sorry if this is an intense thing to ask here but you have reach that I just don’t get on my blog and I’m scared to even pose this question because I feel like there will be a lot of judgment potentially hence the anon…

As a woman in a situation that feels extremely hopeless (basically housewife with no income of my own, 4 pets which makes a lot of housing less accessible not that any of it would be more affordable than the shithole we live in now, mental health struggles/ ASD making employment feel impossible to maintain at full time level) how the fuck do I actually manage to get out of my marriage 🥲 like any and all advice would be welcomed but absolutely don’t want to give up my pets as they’ve basically been all I hold on for. I’m married to a TIM (I bought into trans stuff for a while and considered myself non-binary for years, I’m desisted now) who excuses all their issues with mental health and trauma and has become honestly emotionally abusive and neglects any of my needs. At this point the only reason I am still here is because I cannot fathom any way I could afford to live on my own… I have no friends, my family is abusive so can’t rely on any help there, and I’m terrified that if I left I’d lose my pets and end up on the streets… I feel like in my head the only option is something I did before and absolutely fucking hated and don’t want to go back into because it’s absolutely shameful and brings up so much trauma I have which is cam SW but any time I’ve managed to get a job I cannot maintain enough hours to afford to survive alone, even full time with minimum wage here being $15 I would barely be scraping by and have no extra income beyond absolute necessities. I’ve tried looking for remote work but almost nothing is an option due to not having a degree or any specific skills, I’ve only worked in fast food and low skill care professions that emotionally ruined me. I feel hopeless and like I’m just stuck in a dead end where at best I get a day of good and then weeks of neglect or at the worse times fully emotional abuse, I truly have no clue what to do and I’m feeling like I’d rather just not exist than deal with any of this any longer… I’m just hoping to find ANY resources or advice on how to manage pulling myself out of this place and I’m at a point that I’m so desperate that I’m out here messaging people I don’t even actually know because I have NOBODY in my life who can offer any guidance or help 🥲 again I’m sorry if this is a lot and I know you personally probably don’t have any answer for this I’m just hoping that someone with some reach and access to others in a community who might understand might have any advice for me 😞

Hey I'm sorry you're going through this. I was in an abusive relationship for years and I understand leaving seems impossible while you're in the situation. But you can leave and there is hope.

I would suggest starting by looking into domestic violence support groups first. They can usually later point you to other resources like job placement, mental health care, financial assistance, legal advice, and housing. Be adamant about wanting to keep your pets because many will try to get you to give them up in this situation.

Hopefully people see this and can add more advice. You're not the only woman to have abuse by a transwoman partner and reaching out to other survivors could help.

#radfem #spousal abuse #transwomen #transwomen violence #male violence #male #anon #ask #reply #o

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thickenmyblood · 1 year

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With 15/20(?) chapters completed for hand in unlovable hand, I still can’t understand how any version of Laurent could have a sexual and romantic relationship with a person he barely knows and clearly doesn’t love. It seems so totally out of his nature. I respect you making this choice for the story you wanted to tell, I guess I’m just curious why you made it. Pacat said that Laurent is an “all or nothing” person, so the idea that he could dump Damen and shortly start hooking up with some random jerk like Maxime is really hard to fathom. The guy seems like a pretentious, performative douchebag that the canon Laurent would have ridiculed and excoriated, not someone he would have considered as any type of partner. Laurent choosing to have sex with someone like that is inconceivable and unrecognizable to me. I love how you write Nicaise and a lot of the other relationships, and again, it’s your story and so whatever characterization you choose is your right! But regardless of whatever in-story reasons your Laurent has for being like this, I hope at some point you as the author will also talk about why you wrote him in this way. Thanks for reading my opinion.

hello! my reply will be below the cut.

i don't think we're at a point in hiuh where you can fully understand why laurent started seeing maxime, so i don't exactly fault you or anyone else for asking this kind of question. this reply will sadly give you very few spoilers on laurent's motivations. what needs explaining will be explained in the fic, and whether you or other readers agree/disagree with it (as in, laurent's intentions and actions and thought process), from a moral or even psychological point of view, exceeds the limits of my writing.

however, what does concern my writing is the characterization aspect of your ask. i understand that fanfiction, by definition, does not exist in a bubble. it is a derivative work. it comes from somewhere else. obviously, when compared to canon (where laurent turned down every single romantic/sexual offer he had before and after damen), hiuh exhibits a lot of contradictions and apparent ooc-ness. it is impossible not to compare fanfiction to its original source. without the og material, there would be no fanfiction.

having said all of this, i think your ask and overall perspective overlooks the main point of the fic itself. in order to understand hiuh (boiled down to its bare tags: a breakup fic), you have to understand why laurent dumped damen. for the first half of the fic, damen himself doesn't understand this. he looks at the truth and denies it, time and time again, rewriting the narration of their break up to fit into a more comfortable lie: he didn't dump me, it was a mutual agreement. later on, once damen has had some character growth, he realizes that it was laurent that initiated the breakup and why.

laurent did not break up with damen because he was cheating on him, because he was bored, because he was suddenly straight. laurent broke up with damen because he felt that damen was hurting nicaise, emotionally and psychologically. in fact, we have seen in early chapters how nicaise absorbed damen's harmful messages on mental health/masculinity/self-expression. whether or not that was the right decision is not the point. whether or not laurent became the Perfect Single Parent after the breakup is not the point. laurent broke up with damen because they were vastly different and they were no longer good for/to each other. that was laurent's reasoning, flawed or not, morally correct or not, hypocritical or not. in real life, people make decisions and convince themselves of why they're right all the time. why should fiction be the exception?

now that we have established that the breakup was not simply a whim on laurent's end, we can perhaps approach laurent's dating life with a more balanced perspective. is laurent truly and irrevocably in love with maxime? so far into the story, damen doesn't know, which means we don't know. he sees them together, they seem happy, he concludes that they're in love. has damen always been right in hiuh and, dare i say, in canon? no. why did laurent start dating someone so radically different from damen and yet so much like him? have you thought about how much damen and maxime might have in common and where they differ? why is maxime more awful than damen? maxime made some bad, reproachable comments. but so did damen at the start of the fic. has damen not been pretentious throughout the fic? has he not thought himself above others, judged them, ridiculed them, and hurt them? has damen not hurt laurent? (yes, laurent also hurt damen, i will address this in a different ask). i know i have said this before, multiple times, and i stand by it: economic class is NOT examined well or thoroughly in hiuh. however, are maxime and damen not rich? do they come from different economic backgrounds? aren't they both slightly out of touch with reality? what is it about maxime that truly gets on your nerves?

it is more than okay to read this version of laurent and 1. not understand why he is the way that he is, given that it hasn't been explained in the story yet and 2. not like it. you and anyone reading the fic is completely, 100% allowed to dislike, hate, loathe, be irritated to the point of tears by this version of him. what i care about is that when the fic is done, you look at him, IN THE VERY SPECIFIC CONTEXT OF THIS STORY, and see a consistent, well-written characterization. this is not about readers rooting for lamen, for laurent, for damen, for true ever lasting love... this is about the story making sense. that is what i care most about: coherence and consistency.

to answer your final question: why did i choose to write laurent like this? i chose to write laurent the way i saw him to be in canon. snarky, smart, sometimes unjustifiably mean, and at his very core self-hating. that is my personal interpretation of laurent. from the moment we disagree on any of those pillars, it becomes quite difficult to think that we are talking about the same character. yes, he is frigid in canon, he is saving himself for the grave, he is not at all promiscuous. but to me, his self-hatred is perhaps his most defining feature. and, obviously, my favorite. which is not to say you can't read laurent as someone that doesn't hate himself in canon. you can. these are not my books, and even if they were i wouldn't dream of telling you what you can or can't think about them. yet this is my vision, this is how i see him.

as for the "all or nothing" quote, i believe you are talking about a snippet from the summer palace. if not, correct me. i have many, many, many issues with that short story. that is why i have decided to exclude further commentary on that from my reply. i hope you understand. either way, I don't see how that statement contradicts what's happened so far in hiuh.

i don't want you or anyone reading this to take my reply as a slap on the wrist or some sort of "angry writer yells at a cloud" exposition. i am not mad, and i like getting questions and comments that challenge my writing, that ask for clarification, that complain. this is part of being a writer and sharing your work with others and i am more than fine with it. i wish, if anything, that i had more time to explain and reply, to quote my own work and give you specific examples for things, but i do not have that luxury.

thank you for your time!

PS. this entire commentary is not to be taken as The Author's Interpretation Is The Holy Word.

#hiuh #anon #yes ch16 is coming #no i havent abandoned the fic #yes i will post before march ends #yes i am going to reply to the laurent questions #it's just taking me a while #i have a lot of questions to reply to but i hate posting everything all at once skwmnwenwnnw

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familyagrestefanblog · 11 months

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Me being rant-y, I need to get this out of my system

You know what? I'm not sure if people in this fandom actually don't put together that Adrien only writing "I don't know what I want to do in future, but I know that I love Marinette Dupain-Cheng" is the result of him not having been allowed to grow up being his own person and under harsh conditional love (and literal mind control but go off), him then being abused, neglected and forced further into his father's international business where he basically was exploited as it's face and Adrien now loosing all hope in his future because his father is sending him into another country as punishment to make Adrien comply in that his future is already long decided for him and he has no choice.

Or, you know, if yall genuinely just don't care anymore for any other mental health than Marinette Dupain-Cheng and Félix Fathom very loudly crying, screaming and stressing over things, and now yall are just making fun of a depressed teenager - whose about to loose his home, remaining family, his love and friends and future - by calling him a malewife who doesn't and shouldn't have dreams and his own ambitions anyway because Marinette needs someone to raise her kids and cook for her.

So you're doing the same thing Gabriel does, taking Adrien's potential dreams and ambitions away from him before he can possibly have them to fit your own agenda to make you and only you happy, because you decided long ago that Marinette Dupain-Cheng's husband is not allowed to have a job, while you wanna make condescending malewife jokes at stay-at-home husband's expenses.

Like, at this point in this fandom I genuinely can't tell anymore if yall just genuinely can't put that together anymore because only Marinette's and Félix' crying matters since season 4, or if you guys are just actively being bullies now and you don't care anymore since Marinette got her prince serving himself to her on a silver platter and that was all that ever mattered to you about Adrien.

Truly, I can't tell. Because I can barely see any genuine sympathy for Adrien who is about to loose everything in a couple of days, which will also mean that he probably questions if he'll ever see Nathalie alive again.

No? Non of that? Just condescending malewife jokes that actually discourage boys who just wanna enjoy this show and Fandom from being stay-at-home dad's cause all you do is mock? Well alright.

But God help us if Marinette has so much as a paper cut on a finger..

#ml fandom critical #The fact that people claim left and right that Marinette lost EVERYTHING at the end of s4 when we have several character who actually DID #And now Adrien is about to become one of them and yet no one cares because he isn't Marinette and therefore his suffering doesn't count #Tells you so much about this fandom #What Marinette had was a massive and significant loss but learn the definition of EVERYTHING please #Marinette still had her home her family her friends her best friend Alya #She was still in school with the people she holds dear she had her ex boyfriend as therapist and SHE STILL HAD HER COUNTRY #In what reality is that NOTHING?#When you put that against other characters fates who have genuinely lost everything in their lives #Then claiming tha Marinette is the epitome of human suffering & single handedly invented trauma & mental illness actually becomes insulting

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ladymcres · 1 year

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brief disclaimer here, this is about build, so skip it if you find it uncomfortable

i waited a little bit before dumping whatever my brain is coming up with because yesterday was overall a hard day (real life shit happened) and i was not ready to face the eventual hate i could get for, you know, having opinions.

so, let’s start from the fact that i am not a perfect person, i do have flaws and for the same reason i do not expect perfection from anyone, neither from my close circle of friends/family nor from the people i happen to follow online.

that’s why what has been coming out in the last months - and yesterday specifically - is closure enough for me. i can’t even fathom how people can look at this whole situation and pick good and bad guys when it’s kinda obvious that they were in a relationship which turned to be pretty toxic and ended up in fire. what’s also true is that the allegations against build were indeed fake, (both the ones coming from netizens on twitter and the ones coming from poi) therefore he got his life ruined on the base of accusations that were never backed up from any evidence and were actually supported by fabricated pictures and blatant lies (making threads is not my thing, but this story is all over twitter if you’re interested) there’s also the fact that when push came to shove, he decided to take the whole thing on the legal route, while she decided that harassing him, his family (the whole thing against build’s sister was disgusting) and his fans was the right thing to do.

i’m not saying anybody should support him or turn into his fan, because i understand that we are all different and we perceive things differently, but refusing to acknowledge that in the beginning - and i put myself in there too - we were all blinded by prejudice and that the situation is now much clearer is hypocritical. I also believe that what happened to him is unfair and he deserves some sort of reparation for having his life ruined considering that things are clearly not going back to what they were before.

You do not need to be a build’s fan to see that poi lied from the beginning to the end and that as imperfect as build is, he was the one to be slandered and potentially abused. I mean, voice on the street (not confirmed from any parties, but you know, info like to leak) is that she will have to pay him a whole lot of money for this mess, which to me does not sound at all like settling, but rather admitting to a fault and deciding to pay up instead of facing more gruesome consequences.

I would also like to point out how the whole kp and bl fandoms are very much filled with double standards considering what’s been happening in the last week (and i’m not referring only to the whole gmmtv situation), but on the other hand i have hope that maybe people are starting to realize how dumb cancel culture (or fandom life the way it’s turning to be) is.

I hope Build can somehow get what he lost back and i hope he’s taking care of his mental health and, more than everything, i wish he’ll learn something from this experience. Just to be clear: this is a build-friendly blog. I won’t pretend i know him as a person, but i know him as an actor and artist and you know, 10 minutes of his acting left me gaping for a year now, so I will support any kind of project he may have in the future (i know chances of 4M happening are low but a girl can dream).

To conclude, please, do not send hate to people if you don’t like them, do not spread lies for clout, but practice kindness. There’s nothing to lose in that.

#build jakapan

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skippyv20 · 3 months

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Skip, Julie here. My heart, and those of many others, breaks for Truthseeker. Throughout this past year her struggles have been monumental and even one of the many monumental problems she and her family have endured would break many of us. Living in other countries many of us really can’t fathom the fact that she has had to struggle and keep her family together literally by herself.

While she has documented many of her problems she always attempts to be strong but we all know that as strong as she is she herself needs help that does not appear to be consistently available to her.

We all know God sees her struggles and has not left her alone but it’s entirely reasonable for her to think she has been forgotten. She hasn’t. She hasn’t been forgotten by us and she hasn’t been forgotten by God, the Saints or the Angels. Like many I will be increasing my prayers for the path she treads to become clearer and easier.

A mental health break is a perfect idea at this time. We all need to occasionally step back and give ourselves a break so we can pick our lives up again and move forward.

I wish her only good things in her future and hope with a bit of time out the wheel spins in her favour and she can report back soon that there has been a big improvement for her family.

God bless and look after you and your family Truthseeker.

Thank you Julie! So perfectly said….🙏🏻❤️❤️❤️❤️

@truthseeker-blogger

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tteokdoroki · 1 year

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🌸 - I just want to establish the following isn’t an attack on all shippers of this ship because not all of you are toxic it’s just that some of y’all scare me;

So I have been having a few mental health issues this week and I have the bkdk tag blocked but I can’t figure out how to block tags on yt and instagram so I literally started crying when I was exposed to it. I experienced a lot of toxicity from them on twt so I can’t even look at the ship but kiribaku has been my comfort ship. Unfortunately because the canon material has been focused on deku and bakugo, which makes me deeply uncomfortable. I don’t have the context but the sheer idea of bakugo having feelings for the nerd, even in subtext makes me physically sick. It’s not that I don’t like deku, it’s just that the ship feels like pseudo incest because in my interpretation they act like brothers. Also the fact that kirishima isn’t really relevant as much anymore bothers me. He’s a good character on his own and I’ve accepted the fact that it won’t be canon because it’s shonen. But after kamijiro (which I also have blocked in tags but don’t mind at the moment) had that out of pocket scene that caused me a literal mental breakdown (long story), my mental health can’t handle the fact that bakugo literally sacrificed himself for deku without even a reference to his CANON BEST FRIEND kirishima. I deeply hope that we get a blatant confirmation that bakugo and deku have a BROTHERLY relationship even if we don’t get any on screen kiribaku crumbs. I want reassurance that bkdk would never happen and for the toxic shippers to stop posting bkdk content under the krbk tags and stop trying to force your ship onto others. I already had a crisis about accidentally falling in love with a fictional character (Denki) and feeling heartbroken but now I have to deal with possible subtextual evidence for bkdks and a lack of krbk content in canon. Please tell me I’m just the subtext wrong and that in context I don’t have to worry. I’m freaking out because I’ve seen krbk solos literally get doxxed on twitter and harassed by toxic bkdks.

listen, im only going to answer this ask/topic once im pretty sure i’ve addressed this with you personally already. this is not the first time I’ve warned you about trauma dumping here but im going to set some boundaries. please don’t do this in my inbox — i don’t know you personally and I’m literally just a girl on tumblr writing porn. i am not your best friend, you cannot dump issues on me like this out of the blue, especially without considering how they make me feel myself. you do not know me.

secondly as a person who regularly engages with both bkdk and krbk content i think this is extremely selfish and ridiculous for you to send this to me 😭 just because YOU had a bad experience with bkdk doesnt mean i should have this projected onto me. i am just a person on tumblr, im not a therapist — i can help with day to day issues but this just seems like something you need to figure out for yourself.

im sorry about the issues you have surrounding it and perhaps the toxic people on Twitter but it seems to me that you need to make the conscious decision to leave bnha Twitter or Twitter in general?? like idk what to tell you but the manga is literally about deku 😭 he’s the protagonist. you’re going to see him and bakugou interact. pseudo incest is literally ridiculous as well. they’re childhood friends ??? like what

im not going to reassure you about krbk this or bkdk that because quite frankly i don’t care. they’re lines on a page to me and its literally never that deep. shipping is meant to be for fun and not to be taken that seriously. i severely suggest that you take a break ?? from all thing bnha related because as you’ve stated it’s not been very good for you and im sorry for that.

i literally cannot even fathom how disrespectful this is 😭 coming to my inbox with no warning and venting like this. genuinely don’t mean to be rude but i have no idea what you expected me to respond with. it’s deeply concerning and literally never do this again. please.

#✧ ₊˚✉️੭ — new notification #tw: discourse #tw: shipping #to say that u hate shippers and then put this in my inbox is so….#im so uncomfortable with this what the hell #this is so unhealthy literally never do this #like holy fuck i just woke up

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alllostinmythoughts · 1 year

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I was not a good Witness and that’s a good thing.

When I was in, I thought I was a bad JW for things I could not control. I had poor physical health since I was a teenager and my mental health suffered because of that. I became a publisher as a tween but my hours were lacking because I could not do more than an hour a week and I did not get “return visits” or bible studies because of my severe social anxiety. I did not comment in the meetings and I had to eventually remove my self from the ministry school for the same reason.

All of those things did not make me a bad Witness. Those things were me being human and doing the best I could despite my circumstances. Now that I am out, I can see that I should not have felt ashamed nor have been made to feel guilty about it.

Here, though, are a list of things that did make me bad Jehovah’s Witness and why I think it was a good thing.

• I didn't like giving people the JW version of life after death.

A few years ago the organization updated the tracts they produced. Before they were square and had a trifold design. They had several paragraphs about whatever the front cover said it was about. Typical religious stuff. Life, death, how Jesus can save us. It was something you could give someone on the fly while out and about or to someone who said they didn't have any time to talk. The new ones are a little different. Same info, just a different format. More colorful and eye catching. Folded in half and with less info, only a couple of scriptures and sentences.

As I got older, I became increasingly uncomfortable with giving out the ones about suffering and death. I was especially uncomfortable with the ones about death. A witness will read this and think: “Why would anyone be uncomfortable with telling someone about our hope for the future.” That's why, because it is our hope, your hope. I would always think, what if we gave that tract to someone who had just lost someone. They're in the middle of grieving and you want them to contemplate an entirely new belief in the afterlife. They may already have a really strong belief that brings them comfort but then you tell them that they're wrong, and show them a couple of scriptures why they're wrong. That could devastate someone.

I know this isn't always the case. Since I was a child, I've heard stories of people who lost a loved one and then were visited by witnesses and were comforted by the witnesses version of what happens after we die and what we have to look forward to past that. But it's not like you're gonna hear a person talk about how they in-fact were not comforted, when they're giving their life experience in the Kingdom Hall. You could not look me in the eye and tell me with absolute certainty that it did not ever hurt someone.

Witnesses think that everything they believe is an absolute fact and that everybody would want to hear what they have to share. They cannot even fathom for a second that someone else may actually be happier with their current belief system and their beliefs may make someone upset.

• I didn't believe in paradise.

When you’re a child, you believe everything your parents tell you. With kids outside the organization, they’re told that Santa and the Easter Bunny is real but then kids grow up and they realize for themselves what’s real or not. Not so when it comes to witnesses.

When you’re a kid as a witnesses you’re told about this paradise and it’s nice to believe in. Who doesn’t want to play all day without worrying about anything or being able to pet lions, and tigers, and bears. Oh my.

However, when you grow up you realize the reality of the situation and you just have to be comfortable with all the implications of it.

Witnesses are a doomsday cult. They probably wouldn’t like that descriptor but it’s the truth. I might go into it further in a another post but for now, I’ll just give a brief summery. They believe that in an indeterminate future, Jesus and the angels will kill everybody on earth except Jehovah’s Witnesses and then it will be paradise. So, if you have family, nice neighbors you talk to frequently, and innocent children who aren’t witnesses, they will not make it. Think about it, there are currently close to 8 billion people on earth and there are only 8 million witnesses. Close to 8 billion people will die, just like that. Innocent people, just because they didn't believe the same things as a group of 8 million people.

I think this belief is just awful. When I was in the organization, I think I just tried to ignore it completely and didn’t even think about it to keep myself sane.

• I had political opinions.

Now this one is a doozy and something that I still struggle with, being partially sheltered from most things, especially of the political nature. But you can’t be kept away from everything and my family were not the type of witnesses that didn’t have a TV and us kids were allowed to watch anything age appropriate. (Well, we weren’t allowed to watch a few things but we weren’t extreme. That might be another interesting thing to post about.) So, things filtered through but not enough that I feel that even now, as an adult, I have an completely informed opinion on a lot of different ideas. But, I’m getting there. Hopefully.

I think, however, I was informed enough about a few topics. Like, racism and feminism. These were dirty words in the organization.

You see, on the surface, the organization could look pretty progressive. (Ignoring the blatant homophobia.) On paper they paint a pretty picture. But if you’ve lived through the organization's actual stances of these things, you’d realize that’s not actually true.

When if comes to racial inclusion, you’ll read in the books they publish, that God is impartial and that God does not favor one race, ethnicity or nationality over another. We’re taught not to have a nationalistic view of one’s country because we’re all God’s children on Earth. We’re even suppose to take a stand against drafting in the military, if we’re ever called to that, because we’re supposed to view everyone as a brother under God and how could one go to war against your brother.

But you’re also supposed to be politically neutral. So if you were to agree with the sentiment that there is a problem with police brutality currently in America, then that could get you in trouble. You would be told that you are creating division and that that is a politically held belief and we do not hold political beliefs.

When I was still in the organization, I got into an argument with someone I worked with who is a Jehovah’s Witness. It was around the time of the BLM protests. I tried to be carefully with what I said because like I said, I could get in to trouble. However, I got so frustrated with the things he was saying that eventually, I couldn’t hold my tongue anymore. I straight up asked him if he thought de-segregation was a bad thing, because that decision came from the direct result of the protests lead by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. I asked him if he was okay with the fact that black people wouldn’t be working along side him, if segregation was still in effect right now. He kept trying to skirt around the question because obviously he couldn’t say he was okay with segregation but he also couldn’t agree with the protesters either.

It’s so twisted.

• I thought it was okay for other people to worship however they wanted.

I never could wrap my head around the witnesses disdain for how other people worshiped in their faith. For multiple reasons.

First, just like many witnesses who are born in, many other people in other religions were also born in to their faith. It is the only way they now how to worship. They were taught by their parents from a young age. If someone came up to a witness and told them, “By the way, the way you’ve worshiped God since you were a child is wrong and you’re gonna be punished because of it.” They would be offended. Well, no. They would probably take it as a challenge. To prove why they are the only ones in the entire world who worships the correct way. As if there is such a thing.

That’s the other reason why I couldn’t understand. I always thought it was presumptuous for any one person to claim with absolute certainty that their religion was the true religion and therefore, everything they believed and did for that religion was correct. I respect that they have the right to worship however they felt was right. However, even if you believe truly in your heart that you had everything figured out. That you found God and now you know that the way you’re going to live your life from now on out would be the correct way. You still would give other people the courtesy to have the same thing that you have and to recognize that even if you whole-heartedly believe, there would be no way for you to 100% certain. Maybe 99%, but never 100%.

So that’s it. There are many other things that made me bad bad witness but I’m proud of all of them. Jehovah’s Witnesses believe they have the moral high ground in everything they believe in but they don’t.

#ex cult #ex jehovah's witness #exjw #ex jw #long post #very long post

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ofcowardiceandkings · 7 months

Text

unmedicated rambles;

honestly even if im NOT covid+ i might tell work i am lmfao

its not something that should be embarrassing but im much less comfortable telling my direct project managers that like ... "an admin issue means im off my meds which means im a fucking feral liability right now" than like .... talking to my normal ass coworkers or supervisors .......................

like its not remotely a joke or embarrassing or my fault whatsoever but it feels much less ... real ... yknow ,, even to me the walking advocate for speaking about mental health i uh dont have the mental bandwidth to do that at the moment i cant fathom it

i doubt theyd mind considering the pair of them both have legitimate Peak OCD so like they Know How It Be ??

idk im kinda scared they already think im a giant flake or im unreliable or yknow ... im off sick a lot compared to other people but im just not a healthy person lol that also cant be helped ,, this isnt the first time its happened either but as it is theres not a lot i can do when it does happen - its just stupid NHS admin errors. for someone with LESS of an anxiety problem it might be a bit more workable - it was for me actually last year with another project manager BUT ALSO im having A BIT OF A TIME OF IT right now compared to so im absolutely OFF the rails at the moment AND that project was so much more lowkey than a huge infrastructure project with active plant and asbestos removal the field over and big proceedurals and ... yeah

i would hope that comes across more as ... yknow being responsible than work dodging i guess, i don't wanna put anyone in danger ,,

IDK i dont dislike either of them at all i get along with everyone i work with but theyre much more standoffish and i rarely interact with them directly so ?? i feel guilty sometimes still when the brain acts up and i feel like they already have good reason not to like me lol :(

( that was the RAMPANT anxiety talking )

i dont like being reminded how bad it is without drugs

(( now ive upset myself im gonna go to bed ))

#having the brainfunk and needing to do grown up stuff is hard #rory's ramblings

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eunoiaaaivy · 11 months

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Hiii! Heard from your event from a moot and decided to join if that's okay <3 I'll be taking the premium economy ticket 🥰 As for my personal description, I really love singing, music, Sanrio, barbie, and Disney. When travelling, I tend to overreact and bring lots of things (headache pills, plastic bags for when someone feels nauseous, bandaids etc) and since I don't usually use data or hotspot, I'd bring books or other things to keep me entertained on long trips but end up not using them. I really love cats, dogs, and most animals but you'll also find me screeching my head off in the presence of a spider and cockroach. I love sweets sm but I don't think it's enough to say I have sweet tooth 😅 I spun my wheel to choose who'd be my loved one but I ended up choosing Reiner from AOT. My favourite artist is Taylor Swift. My favourite colour is pink, and my destination is Palawan, Philippines (Always wanted to go there) and my favorite food is either pizza or chicken but honestly jury's still out and my favorite drink is without a doubt, chocolate milk. I'm all for sweet, cheesy, romantic fluff🥰 THANK YOUUU <33

PREMIUM ECONOMY: A TRIP TO PALAWAN, PHILIPPINES WITH REINER! @officialparentofadrien

╰┈➤thank you for visiting eunoia airlines! palawan is indeed a beautiful place! i too would like to visit palawan one day as a fellow filipino! eat some pizza, boom loud music with reiner and relax! allow yourself to breath and pamper yourself as you enjoy the breeze with your loved one.

listen to this: i. ii. iii. iv. v.

cw- fluff, a trip to palawan, petnames (love), cheesy stuff, tinge of angst.

a/n: hi guys, im sorry for being inactive for a few months. my mental health went down hill. but i hope you enjoy this one!

Lover.

he never thought about love. no. love was something...indescribable to him. reiner thinks it's something cheesy. something that hurts. he thinks it was just another emotion in this world full of chaos.

love to him was something hurtful. reiner thinks it wasn't worth it. to him, it was a whirlwind of emotions, something people found euphoric and...what was the word again? yeah. bittersweet. he thought it was something of convenience, an emotion to past time.

love was something...he didn't receive as a child. reiner dismissed the thought at a young age. he dismissed the thought of an emotion something so fleeting- something so wild at the age of 7.

he remembers being interested in literature at such a young age, he found it wonderful. something that fed his curious mind about the world and how human minds work. how emotions work.

he remembers only knowing two emotions as a child. anger and sadness.

two emotions- even when he reads those of love poems and stories with happy endings, he only can understand two. he could never understand why blushing was something to gush over about. it was just another human function where adrenaline rushed through our cheeks.

he couldn't fathom why, how do humans feel emotions called 'happiness and love.' wasn't it just another emotion? he couldn't comprehend...why he couldn't feel such a thing. he felt like space, something vast, something wide, dark. empty. he was only filled with meteors and stars and other space objects.

but no, reiner changed his mind at the age of 10. he wasn't space. he wasn't filled with shining stars or meteors that were ignited once they try to collide in to something. rather, he thought he was just...something empty.

days and nights reading and reading about stories with happy endings, he still didn't understand. even in the middle of his parents fighting, even when he could hear from outside of his room the shouts and the clashing of broken vases hitting the ground, his only thoughts were "what was love? is this love?"

reiner thought love was something the would hinder him in his goals. like a rocketship in space, he thought that love was a meteor striking his spaceship.

he could still feel the sting when his mother's hand went into collision with his cheek at the age of 11. what was love? was it really like the vast, empty space? was it like the meteor who tore down the dinosaurs?

yes. he thought love something was useless. but no, it wasn't anymore. not until it was 10th grade did he understand what love was.

he could remember...the way his heart ran many miles like that meteor that struck earth many years ago. reiner could remember the way his hands went clammy on that exact spring morning, just looking at you.

the reiner braun remembers how stupid he looked talking to you.

he thought he was sick. but he remembers those years of reading his favorite literature. "know thy self." socrates said, but in that spur of moment- every moment with you, he didn't know who he was.

but he found himself, along with the meaning of love. never in his life, had he thought about loving someone. most especially you.

the you- who was just fleeting, so euphoric and as bright as the sun. was this how eros felt when he saw psyche? was this how eros wounded himself? because he found psyche so beautiful, ethereal and enchanting? so gorgeous that he unknowingly fell from a high place already?

he felt like icarus staring at you. you were the bright, shiny and yellow sun he was drawn to. you were a star, in contrast of his bland, vast and wide universe.

was this the love he secretly yearned for years?

reiner became more desperate to know what this emotion called 'love' is. but he learned along the way.

he learned love because of you. he remembers the spark in his heart when he hears your joyous laugh. reiner could remember the way his heart was sent running miles per millisecond everytime he thought of you, everytime he thought of loving you.

he learned the likes and dislikes of a person one could never imagine to be his. you were a blessing sent by God himself.

he could remember the way your round cheeks would puff with aggression when pre-calculus was getting on your nerves in your second year in senior high. he thought, how could he be so blessed and lucky to have you? you were so cute!

reiner, surprisingly even when he was so embarrassed- his first gift to you. sanrio clips and pins that fitted perfectly on your hair. it added more contrast to your already beautiful face.

reiner thinks he doesn't deserve you, but everytime you calm his heart down, everytime you shush his woes with your hands caressing his face- he thought about how could someone be so beautiful and kind?

you were an angel sent from heaven, from God himself.

reiner thinks that his love for you was stronger than his fear. it wasn't a thought, because it was true. he left those fears in the dark, and went to your bright and shining light.

he thought about a future with you. a future where mornings were filled with comforting hugs and smiles. nights were the warmth you radiated lulled him to sleep. he thought about it all-

"love! come on let's dance beneath the sunset. palawan is much more special if we do that!" rang in reiner's ear as he hears your joyous laughter. up till now, he thought you were just amazing.

reiner could see the way your hair glistened under the rays of the sun setting. he could smell the waves of palawan, and he could feel the way the sand was conducting it's warm and cool heat beneath his feet.

but he doesn't care. reiner doesn't care about how beautiful the vast ocean was waving at him, or how the paddings of his feet blew sand behind him. he could only focus on you.

the way your hands perfectly fitted in his as you both ran along the sand of palawan, or the way you would look at him with that bright smile, reiner thinks that you're quite beautiful again as your dress sways along the warm breeze of philippines.

this felt like paradise as reiner closed his eyes, the paddings of your cheek was on his chest and your hands wrapped around his middle. his chin was propped on top of your head, a contented sigh leaving pass his lips.

"were you thinking again?" oh that beautiful voice he loved asked him. he knows, and he hopes that you could hear his heart beating. an indication that reiner's heart only belonged to you and only you.

"mhm, a few stuff, love, but it's nothing." he hummed softly as he swayed your bodies under the setting sun, his large hand on the small of your back. it was a lie, he thought a lot of stuff.

"don't think too much, your head would hurt." you reminded with a small chuckle as he peers down at your face gazing at the sunset, still on his chest. he could see those sanrio clips he gave you, and even now he still thought you looked so cute.

"ofcourse, i wouldn't wanna miss boracay for a headache." he could hear your small chuckle again, making him smile. he felt like you guys were teenagers again, madly in love without a care in the world.

it was true. no thought of love, or questions of it as a child can replace the way he feels now. it was greater than anything he's ever felt. anger and sadness was no more the moment he fell at the sight of you.

now he was just filled with the emotions he thought he could never feel. love and happiness.

"isn't the sunset beautiful?" you asked him, face turned away. but he was only staring at you, "yes, it is." he only replied.

reiner could remember those heartbreaking scenes in those books he loved. that was the line of those thick books he read, where the characters part.

but no, it was an understanding between both of you only. it wasn't a declaration of "goodbye" or "i love you, but im letting you go." no it wasn't any of those.

it was the complete opposite, it was the meaning of- atleast in his wording, that even in the woes or the fact that this world is cruel, there'll always be that emotion that will connect you two. love.

love something was eternal to him now, like space- the universe rather, his life was vast, big and spacious. but it was now filled stars, nebulas and meteorites filling his head. like the shining sun, a big object in our solar system, so bright and shiny, there was you. his one and only star.

if he could, he would give you the stars across the universe.

love was something that words couldn't describe. no "ilys" or "mahal kita" or any i love you's in many different language can describe the word love.

love can be in any form. be it agape, the love of God to His people or eros who wounded himself, reiner's love for you would always be special.

he thinks if he was eros and you were psyche, he'd definitely wound himself too. love was something greater than people had described. it won't always be wild like fire, or calm like a steady pond. love is unconditional.

to reiner, love is you and only you.

"i love you, my dear love." he voiced out as the sun finally sets behind the vast ocean of palawan, the waves were always waving to both him and you but all he could think about was that;

he was finally home.

"i love you too, rein." you replied back, giving him a big smooch on his cheek. now he could understand why people gush over adrenaline rushing up to our cheeks.

because they felt something- some thrill.

"always and forever?" he asked in a small voice, as you glided him back to the restaurant above. "always and forever." you stated back and grinned at him, now reiner could confirm, love was real.

"come on now! i want pizza and i think i wanna buy too!" you shouted as you ran away from him laughing, with him chuckling and quickly chasing after you.

love was really real.

because he has you.

his one and only lover.

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