#i know i should seek help when I'm feeling low but honestly i don't always know where | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

39oa · 8 months

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hi! i’m slowly getting interested in f1 but i don’t really know how to start. so i was wondering if you had any content to recommend (except for the races of course) to get into the fandom, or anything else that could help, really.. thanks :)

oh anon i would love to help!!! are there any drivers/teams you're already particularly fond of or things you want to learn more about? i feel like it'd be easier to narrow down content if i understood your interests better since it's really something you can mold entirely to your own tastes and there are a million different ways to Enjoy and Consume the sport LOL. tbh i call myself an f1 fan but i mostly just rep oscar and in reality enjoy junior formulae more as a whole because i find the process of getting to f1 more intriguing than actually being in it... so it's really whatever you make of it! i'll try to divide my notes categorically so hopefully that helps a little bit but lmk if there's anything specific you're looking for :') and as always apologies in advance for my rambling 💔

getting into the actual sport

having a baseline understanding of the sport is obviously useful but i'm not sure how much you already know so i'll assume you can find super basic info about how seasons and points work! if you want to delve just a Bit further then:

i think chain bear is a decent youtube channel for easy explanations on some technical aspects and little things you may not have picked up on yet that will help when watching races

drive to survive is of course Not Great but it can be a nice and quick window into learning names and faces, even if a lot of it is ridiculously simplified or overexaggerated. it's basically like using duolingo for learning a new language in that it should be regarded as a semi-reliable supplemental material readily packaged for convenient consumption. if there are specific drivers you're interested in you can always pick and choose eps to consume decent Background Lore for, e.g. you can just watch s1e8 if you're a sharl fan

honestly not to shill for official f1 media but i do think f1tv is a pretty decent streaming platform when getting into the sport... definitely not saying you should subscribe to it (if it's even available in your country!) but just as an aside and maybe for future reference i do believe it's very friendly for new watchers because live races have different feeds that let you track race data (gaps, tyre usage, granular sector data during quali, etc.) and it also lets you switch between driver onboards which can be cool. moreover it has pre-race/post-race shows, technical analyses, archives of past seasons, all the f2/f3 content, documentaries, etc. so it's a pretty complete package! although a good amount of stuff gets x-posted to the official youtube channel so it's not a big deal

if you like podcasts, i think beyond the grid is cool because it has a fun variety of interviews (current drivers, retired drivers, tps, engineers, etc.) about both past and current events so you can basically seek out whatever you're interested in learning more about. otherwise i don't really listen to f1 podcasts regularly because i have weirdly low patience for them compared to hockey, but my friend told me that shift+f1 does yearly primers so that could be something useful to check out! (here's the 2023 season preview, i haven't checked it out but i thought i'd link anyway)

keeping up with news

obviously an important part of fandom is trying to keep up with current affairs, so if you haven't already then i would of course follow the f1 youtube channel + twitter account (or whatever other social media you use), f1 nowadays is extremely effective at marketing itself so it's not like hockey where you're fighting for your life waiting for the unfunniest puck personality video in existence to drop every 8 months. not that all f1 driver content is necessarily funny but there's probably a touch more investment in maintaining the illusion! anyway.

if you use reddit then r/formula1 is honestly probably the best aggregate source of f1 news and up-to-date info, i don't read everything there but it's pretty useful and easy to navigate. plus sometimes when i want to cause myself irreparable psychic damage from something that already pissed me off i can venture into a 500-comment section to get my blood boiling even more... 10/10 would recommend

other than that it's really like — follow official channels for any other drivers or teams you're fond of tbh, i do have a few motorsports journalists in my twitter list but since i respect the fact that some people don't enjoy endless news spam i'd maybe just recommend chris medland if you want a succinct live feed during races for the moment? f1 journalism is kind of godless so you don't *need* to follow that many reporters on a whole.

driver personality content

unfortunately i'll be showing my age when i say i don't have a tiktok account but now that i think about it that's probably a great source of information because it seems like f1 fandom is thriving over there!!! regardless the official f1 youtube does have a lot of little driver personality videos you can watch to get to know them more, and again i'd recommend checking out official team + driver channels for more tailored longform content. for ex just from very recent mcl fan pov they have an unboxed series with behind the scenes of select races and also loads of fun minigame content; every team should have at least SOMETHING to nibble on but certain teams are definitely more marketing-savvy than others (aka big 3 + mcl) 🥲

official f1: f1 has a yearly series called grill the grid with just mini quizzes that all the drivers compete in, some are less interesting but it's overall not bad content. the channel has a playlist for the 2021 gtgs which includes the iconic sebvettel world champion video LOL... actually if you sort the f1 channel by Most Viewed there are probably some fun classic videos in there (looking now it's a lot of crashes but you can ignore those lol), like press conference highlights and other convenient top 10 lists. for a random rec i was just nostalgically revisiting the 2019 rookie of the year video and it was getting to me a little bit!

sky sports f1 will also occasionally have good interview/inside content that you can check out, a lot of it is geolocked though (same with canal+ content in france). but for example i felt so much experiencing this random alex interview from last week... he is truly guy of this world

fan compilations: again if there are any drivers you like then you can just search up their names and there will be a ton of comps with Funny MomentsTM, sometimes it helps to just pick a guy and see how you feel about him as you consume content because your true interests will organically develop and surface eventually... sorry i feel like i'm writing a manifesto on fandom in general which is definitely not what you asked for LOL. but like twitch quartet (aka charles, george, alex, and lando) have a ton of silly streaming highlights you can find on youtube, lando has a gaming company called quadrant that he does videos with which can be uhhh hit or miss depending on how much you enjoy Lad Culture, etc...

really it's so easy to get hyperspecific with content once you pick a team or driver so i'm not sure what else to recommend on a general level but that's what i've got off the top of my head! fandom definitely skews a lot toward rb/merc/fer/mcl so it's easiest to consume both video content and fic for them, but if you're willing to go trawling for interviews then you can really get invested in anyone... fandom culture also varies so wildly depending on how you follow the sport and which drivers you invest in emotionally. my closest friend is a "chirlie" as they say and it really is an experience rife with organizational trauma and TFW You're Beholden To The Stranglehold Of Your Legacy so that's always a great pick if you're craving maximum narrative evisceration, or if you're in it for the fic then you could literally just get really into maxiel, but i'm basically chilling in my land of rookie stonks and sit down to watch non-mcl content maybe once a month.

honestly i only follow like 3.5 f1 fans on tumblr because i'm objectively terrified by the size of the fandom HLSHDFLKH so i mostly consume things in a vacuum and talk to like one friend 😭 but there loads of cool creators out here and you can always find a few gifmakers/fanartists/etc. and just follow the rabbit hole from there!!! best of luck and hope this helps >__<

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 1 year

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unsanitary

i think i have hit a point where my mental state is bad enough that i don't even have the energy to wash off menstruation blood that drenches my underwear lmao. it's been almost 24 hours and all i did was lie down, not caring about the mess down there. this is a new low for me. i thought not bathing for a week was bad enough, so i didn't expect my exhaustion to reach an even lower point.

damn. i have no official diagnoses (because the one time i tried to seek help, i chickened out from admitting my struggles, since a lot of them manifested in hygiene issues. mainstream mental illness acceptance only acknowledges crying in the dark (which isn't exactly accepted either, i'm well aware. i have that as a symptoms myself. i know the acceptance is mostly performative). but people don't even want to those with hygiene issues even performatively, so yeah.), so i honestly doubt myself a lot and think that what i'm experiencing is just normal human experience. but i don't think the average human would stand having menstruation blood for almost a day and would do their best to overcome their disgust, so yeah. then again, i have never been the most sanitary person (i really struggle a lot with hygiene since i was a kid, so maybe i just developed extreme tolerance towards stuff like this), so i'm not surprised that even this isn't enough to kickstart my motivation and energy to shower.

honestly, it's funny. one blessing in this situation is that i feel zero internalized shame. it is what it is, grossness doesn't diminish my worth as a human being. it just is. but i do fear judgment from others, so i always keep this part of my self secret, even to mental health professionals. and sometimes i also think, if hygiene issue was such a normal part of my life, does it even count as a proof that i'm struggling? as in, if a math genius suddenly struggles with it, there's probably something wrong with them. however, if they've always been bad at math, then them not being able to answer a math question probably doesn't indicate anything serious... maybe? something like this, but with me and hygiene issues.

i don't know what i even want about this ask. i just wanted to let it out, i guess? i have a lot of stuff that i desperately want to let out and vent about, but this one is one of the things i genuinely can't see anyone receiving well without judging me, so i might as well let it out anonymously

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been going through.

It can definitely be hard to admit your struggles, especially when there's a worry someone may find it shameful or gross, even though you have nothing to feel ashamed about. What you're experiencing is real and valid.

Please know you're not alone. Hygiene has also been a big issue for me due to depression, and I agree that this subject should be alongside societal discussions about depression.

I think it's good that you don't feel any internalized shame about this, because you don't have to, nor would it be productive. You're right that this doesn't diminish your worth as a human being. That being said, your fears of judgment are valid and common. When I took Intro to Counseling last semester, the professor asked by a show of hands how many people were afraid of being judged, and everyone raised their hands. What might be helpful to ask yourself is, what is it about being judged that you might be afraid of? Because someone judging you for this doesn't mean they're necessarily right to do so, or that you should feel ashamed about what you're going through. You may find helpful this article on REBT's concept of irrational ideas, particularly the bullet points for the first one.

I hope things have gotten better since you wrote in. Feel free to let us know how things have been going.

If anyone else has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks

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under-sedationnn · 3 years

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the arcana: main six reacting to injured! reader

anonymous: Could u do m6 reacting to mc coming home injured? I want some hurt/comfort >:))

Warnings: talk of being injured, blood. if that bothers you or tiggers you in anyway, please scroll away! i want this to be a safe place, only :)

thanks for the request anon!! i hope you enjoy!! <3 requests for the kissing prompts and physical affection prompts are STILL OPEN. please send them in with the character of your choice (which could be any character from any series i write for) and i will create an imagine!! thanks and happy reading!!

- tries his very very best to stay calm

- you can see panic bubbling under the surface

- faust is on high alert

- slithers around your shoulders and squeezes you for a hug

- "friend! hurt!"

- doesn't immediately ask what happened, just gets you to a comfortable place to be cleaned up

- then, and only then, will he brave to ask what happened to you

- or who did this to you

- wipes the blood from your skin with very gentle swipes

- winces when you wince, and apologizes profoundly

- "Y/n, how did this happen? i thought you were just taking a quick trip to the market."

- "i fell in the market, tripped over a stone"

- "and nobody helped you?"

- in this case he's disappointed with the bystanders, but does not become angry

- in a situation where someone hurt you?

- oh god

- "Y/n, how did this happen? i thought you were just taking a quick trip to the market."

- "yeah, well, somebody had their eye on the same apple i picked up. somehow, though, they managed to push me to the ground and steal it from my hands."

- i don't even think he would know what to say

- and asra is not really the type to march out into the streets of vesuvia and seek to challenge the one who hurt you

- but he would certainly hold a grudge against whoever it was if he did find out

- and would feel absolutely awful about letting you get hurt

- his mind would race about the possibility of losing you again

- because he simply can't handle it

- and what if that person had been particularly violent or malicious? what if you had been taken??

- you'd have to comfort the hell out of him to make sure he knows that you're okay

- "asra, hey, i'm fine! i can handle myself, you know that"

- "you're right, and i know you're right. it's just hard"

- "it's still hard for me, too. the market still makes me a little nervous and i got caught a little off guard, is all"

- that would make him feel better

- would finish patching up your wounds and would make sure to bring you to julian the next day if they were too bad for him to fix or needed stitches

- would also create a special brew to help with the pain and ease you to sleep

- "why don't i go down to the market tomorrow?"

- "why? so when you pick a fight over apples, i can pay you back for all of this high quality medical treatment?"

- "well of course, surely you didn't expect all this tender love and care to be free" *wink*

- panicked doctor mode enabled

- immediately begins checking you over, asking questions

- something tells me it would be a head injury of some sort

- "oh darling, what happe- you're bleeding!"

- "julian, i'm okay! it's just a little scratch"

- "no no no you might need stitches, come sit down. i'll go get my kit!"

- there's really no use in arguing

- he has cold ass hands, so he tries to warm them up before he begins suturing the wound

- tries to be gentle, and his expert hands move quickly without any snagging

- "so, how did this happen?"

- his voice is literally trembling

- "well, i was in the clinic grabbing the list of ingredients we need for our next grocery trip and there was a puddle of... something on the floor. i slipped and hit my head on the corner of your desk"

- immediately thinks it's his fault

- like "oh shit i should have cleaned better that could have killed y/n and then what would i have done-"

- doesn't necessarily voice this, but you can tell by the silence that follows that he's feeling really guilty

- would kneel for you, head on your knees

- "y/n, i am so sorry"

- "juli, it's really okay, i should have watched where i was going"

- "i'll make sure to clean better from now on, okay?"

- would guard you throughout the night in case of concussion

- nurse juli <3

- but let's say someone had put their hands on you

- would patch you up the same way, and apologize profusely for not being there with you

- tuck you into bed and fetch mazelinka to keep an eye on you throughout the night incase of a concussion

- would most definitely be self destructive and seek that mf out

- maybe not successfully, but would try his hardest

- "i'll be back in the morning, get some rest"

- "I can find them myself if I want to, you know"

- embarrassed blush

- because he KNOWS you can take care of yourself

- "of course, but right now you're hurt. as your partner, i will do what must be done on your behalf darling"

- probably shows up the following morning with battle scars of his own

- the guards found you in the garden, passed out in the maze

- blood trickled down your arm, a large gash marking your bicep

- ran you up to the palace and immediately to the medical wing

- them]n nadia gets word

- the calm, collected queen act disappears

- abandons anything she's doing, anybody she's talking to

- "we will finish this at a different time, i have more important matters to attend to"

- she is so worried and it's honestly adorable

- very much giving "where tf are they?" energy

- god i love her so much

- anyways um

- asks the nurses over and over what happened, if you're okay, etc.

- watches the physicians and nurses like a hawk as they clean the wound and suture the cut

- and they're so intimidated lmao they never come face to face with her literally ever

- brushes your hair back from your face as they do so

- holds your hands

- would demand that you be brought to her sleeping chamber

- so that's where you wake up! how cute

- she's laying beside you, her brows furrowed

- maybe even her eyes are a little hazy

- "y/n, sweetheart, do you remember what happened?"

- patiently waits for your answer, you're still a little groggy

- you were either attacked by an animal and passed out from the fright

- or you were attacked by an armed person and was knocked out

- either way, the guards are on it

- nadia isn't letting whoever or whatever did this get away without a fight

- the palace is meant to be a safe haven for you

- for the both of you

- "well, don't you worry, we'll take care of that"

- you try to sit up but she won't let you

- "oh no, you must stay down, y/n. you are possibly concussed from the fall"

- "oh okay, sorry"

- "is there anything i can get you?"

- the countess of vesuvia, serving you in your time of need

- "just some water would be nice"

- "of course, i'll have some brought up right away"

- i literally feel like he would just start crying straight up

- cause like he has some problems anyway

- he big sad boi

- and you coming home to the hut bleeding from a gash in the arch of your foot is not helping

- picks you and carries you to the bed without a word

- just starts examining the cut

- inanna is also very concerned

- she licks the blood from the cut, she's trying to be helpful

- meanwhile muriel is stumbling around the hut looking for anything to stop the bleeding, disinfect it, bandage it, anything

- but he's not the best about keeping that stuff in stock

- keeps looking back at you with worry in his eyes

- he doesn't know what to do

- "muriel, let me see if i can contact asra. maybe he or julian can bring me a salve. i'm pretty sure i'm gonna need stitches"

- low-key makes him feel worse

- cause he feels like he's unable to care for you and keep your safe

- even tho this was just an accident

- he's breathing really fast, his anxiety creeping

- agrees anyway, but goes to get them himself

- "i'll be back soon, just keep this piece of cloth pressed against it"

- cause you're bleeding like a lot

- inanna stays behind

- he returns very quickly with julian in tow, though he doesn't look happy about it

- leaves the hut without another word

- julian gets to work immediately

- "so, you cut your foot i see"

- smartass.

- "yeah, muriel always tells me to put on shoes when i walk in the woods but i love to feel the grass beneath my feet"

- julian chuckled at this

- "and i'm assuming you, what, stepped on a rock?"

- "...yeah, sliced it right open"

- after julian is done cleaning up the cut, he tells you to just stay off of it for a while and make sure it doesn't get infected

- once he's gone, muriel trudges back into the hut

- "muriel, baby, it was just a cut it's not a big deal"

- but his eyes look hurt, and you beckon him toward the bed

- "hey," your hands on his cheeks, "i'm okay, really"

- "sorry, i just got scared. blood is still a trigger for me and since you got hurt in my woods, i felt like it was my fault"

- "muriel, of course it wasn't your fault"

- he really needed a hug

- after this instance, he made sure to keep medical supplies in the hut and you promised to try and wear shoes in the woods more often than not

- "i'll try my best to be more careful. deal?"

- sweet lil smile

- "deal."

- "oh my god, y/n, what the hell happened??"

- you were tending the garden

- without her supervision

- and the garden sheers might have sliced into the palm of your hand

- deep

- brings you over to the sink and runs water over the cut, covering it with a towel when the dripping blood had been washed away

- girl is on the move

- cause she knows what to do! love that

- low-key a main reason why julian managed to live as long as he has

- pepi is curiously perched atop one of the counters, peering down

- finds her personal first aid kit she had stashed in the bathroom

- guides you over to sit on the counter while she tries to figure out what to do

- "damn, you really cut yourself, y/n"

- "sorry! i think i just got a little carried away"

- she giggles at that, though she is still worried about the fact that it won't stop bleeding

- gently wraps the cut in gauze and adheres it together

- places a kiss to your fingertips

- "all done! no more gardening for you!"

- "hey, why not?"

- "well you don't want that cut to open back up again and again, do you?"

- "no"

- "alright then," she smiled, moving to put away the first aid kit again, "and we're going up to the palace medical wing first thing tomorrow morning to make sure it's not infected"

- eye roll

- "yes ma'am" you mocked

- even though you know it's just because she loves you

- "but since you got hurt, you want me to bake you some cookies?"

- "only if you let me eat the dough!"

- good god do i love this man

- but he is so self-absorbed it's actually insane

- and I feel like he wouldn't even notice at first

- cause he's too focused on himself

- gazing into the mirror without a care in the world when you walked in

- "y/n, thank goodness you're home, how do you feel about these pants?"

- you just hobbled to the nearest seat, hand resting over the gash on your knee

- mercedes and melchior were lazing across a rug at the base of his mirror, their attention set on you

- "u-um, yeah, they look good"

- literally just trying not to bleed out, over here

- "good? oh really, now, y/n don't they look amazing?"

- "yes, they look ama- ow, damnit"

- then he turned around

- immediate shock and worry! oh no oh no y/n is hurt!

- mercedes and melchior walked over first, whining as they took in the cut, brushing around the edges

- lucio raced over, squatting down in front of you, and began examining the cut

- "hey, hey, what happened?"

- "i accidentally tripped on my walk in the garden and scraped my knee on the cobblestone"

- he was lightly touching around the cut, gauging how sensitive it was

- when you flinched he stopped, looking into your eyes with a soft "sorry"

- "i think i need to go to the palace infirmary"

- "oh there's no need, i can take care of you!"

- you were not convinced he could take care of you, at least not well

- "uh, lucio, are you sure?"

- he looked slightly offended, at that

- "you know, y/n, i did fight in battles at one point. i have not only tended to my own wounds, but the wounds of others, as well"

- you giggled at the thought

- "much to your protest, though, i'm sure"

- he moved to the small cabinet of medical supplies in the ensuite to your bedroom, returning to your side with it in hand

- "at points, but i don't mind helping you in the slightest"

- for all of his antics, his soft side was enough to make you fall in love all over again

- and although i know he would take care of you in literally any situation, i can't say for certainty that he would stick around and place nurse lucio for long if a person had hurt you

- attacked you

- much like nadia, the guards would be sent out without a second thought, lucio leading the pack in the search for you aggressor

#the arcana nadia #the arcana julian #the arcana #the arcana imagines #the arcana headcanons #the arcane game #the arcana lucio #nadia the arcana #the arcana asra #asra the arcana #lucio montag #count lucio #lucio #portia devorak #portia headcanons #muriel the mountain man #muriel x mc #the arcana muriel #muriel

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angellesword · 4 years

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YOUR EYES TELL | JJK (05)

Summary: You live in a world where people see in black and white. The solution to finally see the colors? It's simple. You need to meet your soulmate and look at him in the eyes, but what if the person bound to you is already contented with the monochromatic world? What if...Jeongguk, your soulmate, is already in love with someone else?

Alternatively:

"A future without you is a world without color."

Genre: soulmate au, e2l, slow burn, angst, fluff, roommate au

Pairing: Artist!Jungkook x Lawyer!Reader

Word Count: 3.5k

SERIES: CHAPTER 4 | CHAPTER 6

The best thing about Red was that she wasn't just your assistant; she was also your friend.

Your one and only girl confidant.

Growing up, you didn't really have a lot of friends. It was probably because you used to be so shy.

Unlike other children, you weren't forced by your parents to interact with kids your age. Why would they do that when you already had everything you needed?

You had the latest toys so you didn't have to play tag or hide and seek with your neighbors. You were also a smart girl. You didn't need to ask for your classmates' help. The only weakness your parents saw was the fact that you only excelled in the academic field. You weren't blessed with a golden voice. You couldn't dance, you couldn't ride a bike. You couldn't even do the basic household chore.

This was all because you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth. You didn't have to try harder. You had a handmaiden to do all sort of things for you. Your parents paid the school so that you wouldn't have to attend P.E classes or any other extracurricular activities.

You were contented to be alone in your big, princess-like room.

In fact, you only met Jimin, your best friend who was two years younger than you, during college days. He was your classmate in your first ever P.E class. You were already a junior that time. You thought you could skip P.E the way you did in high school, but you were wrong. You ended up in Jimin’s class that time.

The two of you didn’t stop being friends after the semester ended. Actually, you guys became even closer. Jimin was the only person who was by your side when you were breaking down because of school. He cried with you, slept late with you, and he also set you up with a lot of his friends. Unfortunately, you weren't attracted to any of them. You weren't picky. You were just a sucker for soulmates and happy endings. His efforts didn't go to waste though. You became good friends with some of these guys. You were particularly close to Jung Hoseok, a boy your age who was in Jimin's dance class.

Hoseok was a great person, but you still craved the idea of having a girl best friend.

Luckily, you met Red.

You met her months ago—back when she was still a struggling student who was looking for a job in the company where you were working.

"And why would I hire someone like you?" Gahee, your co-worker, snarled at Red. The former didn't like the latter's answers during the interview portion. She said Red was too slow, too soft. She wasn't fit to become a lawyer like the rest of you.

"I'm sorry..." This was another issue. Red kept on apologizing. She had a very low self-esteem.

You knew right there and then that this girl wouldn't be hired. Out of the five interviewers, you were certain that you're the only one who was in favor of this intern.

Why?

It was because Red reminded you of your younger self.

As stated, you were a shy kid. But then law school changed you. To survive, you needed to act tough—you constantly needed put on a mask just so you could reach the 'standard' of what a lawyer should be like.

Most of the time, it worked. There were cases, however, wherein you became clouded by your own judgment. Some of your colleagues said you were too empathetic—always rescuing people from their misery.

You were doing it again.

"I'm going to hire her." These were your exact words just as Red was about to leave.

She stopped walking. Red turned to look at you. Confusion was apparent all over her face. Were you serious?

The other interviewers couldn't believe the words that came out of your mouth, so naturally, they protested.

You simply raised your brow at them.

"I said what I said. She's going to be my new assistant." You pointed at Red who still looked so shocked.

"But we don't want to work with her!" Gahee groaned.

"So?"

Gahee's face turned pale because of your response. You arched your brow higher.

"It doesn't matter if you don't want her. She's going to work for me."

The interviewers went silent.

You see, no one could ever question your decision. You might be 'too soft' for some of them, but they still couldn't deny that you were damn good at your job. Your personality in the office was very different from what your family and friends knew. For them, you would always be that quiet little girl who couldn't speak for herself. In here, you were young, but sophisticated. A lion in a world full of kittens.

"Ms. Red Lee's my responsibility from now on. If you have a problem with her, you can talk to me."

This was the beginning of your friendship with Red. At first, she was skeptical of your intention. Why would you want to work with someone like her?

"Because I believe in you." You offered her a smile when she finally found the courage to ask you the question that had been bothering her since the first time she met you.

Red had been your assistant for months now; however, your co-workers still didn't like her. It was as though they were waiting for her to make a mistake.

She did.

"How's our case going? Did our client take the color vision test?" You inquired days before the trial of your client who wanted to sue the business person who sold her fake whitening products. This was a simple case. You didn't understand why your client wanted to go to trial; this could simply be settled without going to the court.

"There's no need for that. I've already talked to her."

"Hm?"

"Well..." Red took a seat beside you. She was blushing. "Remember when I told you I've met my soulmate?"

"Oh. Right!" You beamed at her. How lucky. "So did you break up with JK?"

Red told you she had a boyfriend named JK. You honestly didn't know much about him or their relationship, though you were informed that they had been together for almost a decade, unfortunately, they weren't soulmates.

"I did." The smile she gave you was sad. "But he didn't take it well..."

You didn't know what to say after that. Admittedly, you had urged Red to breakup with her boyfriend because you didn't appreciate that she was keeping him in the dark. It was unfair.

"But anyway," Red sounded so excited that you couldn't help but giggle. "I've talked to your client. I'm sure she can see color since her answer was right when I asked her if she can tell me the color of the shirt I'm wearing."

"Okay, then."

It was stupid of you to rely on Red's words and you knew it. This was the reason why you couldn't defend yourself when your boss humiliated you in front of everyone. As if that wasn't awful enough, your superior also excluded you from the biggest case you were working on.

Gahee was the new head of that case.

"I'm sorry!" Red was crying. You took accountability for what she had done. She was your assistant after all.

"It's okay, Red." You smiled despite the fact that you were breaking inside. Your boss made you look like a fool. You couldn't erase the image of your colleagues smirking that was circling inside your head.

You were no longer a lion.

"I-It's not okay! You lost the case!" She knew that you spent months working on the mentioned case your boss removed you from. Everyone was jealous of you. They wanted to handle that case. Now, Gahee had the chance. You lost yours.

You embraced Red. You couldn't bear to see anyone crying.

"But I'm still handling Mr. Kim Seokjin's case." You stared into her eyes. "That's the only case I want to handle. Trust me."

Red sobbed even harder. She understood what you meant. You lost the biggest case, but at least you were still Mr. Kim's lawyer. Again, his case was more important to you and Red.

"I'm going home. Is that okay? Can you handle yourself?" You couldn't work with a heavy heart. You needed to see Miri. You needed a bath. You needed a break.

Fortunately, Red let you go.

Ever since that day, your assistant became more hyperaware of your needs and wants. She was certain she owed you a lot. This was the reason why you couldn't understand why Jeongguk was crying now.

"G-Gukkie?" You swallowed hard when you saw tears streaming down his cheeks.

Again, Red knew what you needed. You were sure she gave you the correct recipe for kongnamul guk. So why was Jeongguk weeping as he ate the soup you made?

It couldn't be because it didn't taste good. You followed Red's recipe. It was perfect! Everyone loved her soup.

Your soulmate didn't answer you. He also refused to look at you. It was embarrassing enough that you could see his overflowing emotions.

Jeongguk wondered why the world was so cruel to him. He woke up a few minutes ago with a heavy head, and then the first thing he spotted was you.

You were standing near his feet; a lovely smile was plastered on your face. Jeongguk didn't understand why you were grinning at him like that.

Weren't you mad? He remembered everything that happened last night. He acted like an asshole.

Jeongguk's suspicion grew when you handed him an ibuprofen and a glass of water. Not only that, you also told him that you cooked soup to help him with his throbbing head. He was too tired and shy to refuse you, so without saying anything, he let you drag him to the dining table.

You prepared everything for Gukkie. The only thing he had to do was eat. The thing was, he couldn't even do that.

Tears filled his eyes the moment he tasted the soup. He was looking directly at you while bring the spoon closer to his mouth—this was how you acted last night. This was what pissed him off. You were scowling, making him feel like he was the worst cook ever.

How was he different from you when he was acting the same way? The only thing that changed was his expression. As said, he was crying instead of frowning.

It broke your heart.

"Say something please?" You begged. You felt your chest tightening. Did you make him cry? Were you wrong? Red's recipe was perfect, maybe it was you who fucked things up. Did you put too much salt? Too much bean sprout?

What was wrong?

Jeongguk shook his head, harshly wiping his tears away. He didn't say anything. He didn't make it seem like he hated the soup. Actually, he finished it within a few minutes.

"I'm going to my room." He abruptly stood up, hanging his head low.

"T-Thanks for the food."

The way Jeongguk acted made you realize that you couldn't really cook, not even when the perfect recipe was literally in front of you; however, this didn't stop you from making dinner that same day.

Your soulmate locked himself in his room since morning. He hadn't eaten anything other than that soup and frankly, you were getting worried. You didn't want him to get sick.

It was going to take a while to have your food delivered, so you just decided to cook instant ramen. It had always been your life savior.

"What are you doing?"

You stopped trying to open the stove when Jeongguk suddenly spoke up.

He instantly realized what you were doing, causing him to grimace.

"You can't eat instant ramen for the rest of your life, you know? It's very unhealthy." Jeongguk shook his head, disappointed.

You bit your lower lip. It was the only food you knew how to prepare by heart. You didn't want to upset him again by trying to cook something that didn't taste good.

"I'm gonna prepare our dinner." He announced and you nodded.

You were starving. It was Sunday, but you still needed to work. You stayed in the living room the whole day, talking to Mr. Kim Seokjin about his case. Miri wasn't around to keep you company. That cat of yours stayed with Jeongguk the whole day. What a traitor.

"Okay. I'll be in my room if ever you need help." You said.

"Wait!" Jeongguk held your wrist, stopping you from leaving.

"I-Is gimbap okay?" His voice was soft as he asked this. He realized he needed to talk to you about your likes and dislikes. He couldn't just prepare something and get mad if you ended up disliking it.

"Uh..."

Jeongguk could feel your hesitation. It wasn't like you hated gimbap, but you had too much of it yesterday. Red made twenty five pieces when you told her you were craving it.

"Tell you what," Jeongguk let go of your hand. "Why don't we just eat out? Do you like pizza? What about pasta?"

He kept on suggesting food you could try, but nothing was registering inside your mind. The only thing you could think of was this:

"We're going on a date?" Your eyes were sparkling.

"What?" Jeongguk asked, dumbfounded. Out of the many things he had said, this was the only thing you could think about?

"You said we're gonna eat outside! It means we're going on a date!" You were smiling shamelessly.

Jeongguk's eyes widened. He was panicking. He didn't know why his heart was beating so fast just by the thought of going out on a date with you.

"I-I..." He swallowed hard. "We could invite T-Tae and Jimin."

Jeongguk panicked more upon realizing what he just said. No. He couldn't bear to see his best friend right now. Jeongguk hadn't told anyone that he could see colors now—well, except Yoongi.

Jeongguk wasn't ready yet. He felt guilty. He knew he was the reason why you couldn't see colors. He didn't want Taehyung and Jimin to be disappointed in him. Besides, he didn't want the couple to pester him about liking you. Again, that wasn't going to happen.

Jeongguk was about to withdraw his statement, unfortunately, you were already telling him that it was a good idea.

"So how are you, Guk?"

This was the story how Jeongguk ended up eating sushi with Taehyung.

The couple accepted your invitation. The four of you were supposed to eat together, but Jimin claimed he needed to talk to you. Alone.

Taehyung didn't protest. He missed Jeongguk too. It had been a while since they last talked. This was the perfect time to finally catch up.

"Nothing new." Jeongguk shrugged nonchalantly.

"Really?" Taehyung raised a brow. He could tell when his best friend was hiding something. "So you don't consider being able to see colors as something new, huh?"

Jeongguk's head jerked up.

"You know!?"

Taehyung laughed. Of course he knew. You told Jimin and Jimin told Taehyung. The latter was simply waiting for Jeongguk to open up.

He couldn't wait forever though. Jeongguk could be stubborn sometimes.

"She also told us that you cried earlier..."

Jeongguk pursed his lips into a thin line. Damn it. You couldn't keep anything to yourself, could you?

"I did not." Jeongguk gritted his teeth. The tears forming in his eyes were in contrast to what he was saying.

Jeongguk indeed cried earlier. Taehyung could tell because the younger boy was crying again.

"Guk..." Taehyung caressed Jeongguk's clenched fist.

"Wanna tell your hyung what happened?" The voice of Jeongguk's best friend was like a lullaby.

Jeongguk cried even harder.

Truthfully, he was surprised with himself too. Jeongguk had always been emotional, but his stubborn ass refused to let other people see him cry. This was new. The Jeongguk Taehyung knew would keep his mouth shut.

The Jeongguk today couldn't stop talking.

"I got so drunk last night, hyung. She..." Jeongguk looked at Taehyung to make sure that he understood that the she he was referring to was you.

"She cooked kongnamul guk for me."

Taehyung was silent after that. He tried to understand what Jeongguk was saying. Sadly, he couldn't.

"Are you telling me that you're crying because she prepared a soup for you?" Taehyung sounded unsure.

Jeongguk shook his head; tears were still streaming down his cheeks.

"No. I was just reminded of..." He trailed off.

"Of what?"

For a moment, Jeongguk was silent. His heart was hurting.

"Of the mean things I've said to her." Jeongguk sobbed.

It was a bad idea to look at you while he was trying to eat. Jeongguk's eyes accidentally fell into your lips. It was swollen—a reminder that you still ate the garlic shrimp even though you were allergic to it.

Jeongguk felt like an evil person.

Why were you always so kind to him? No one treated him the way you treated him. It was too good to be true.

"Oh." Taehyung broke into a huge grin and suddenly, he was chuckling.

"What's so funny?" Jeongguk was talking in a pout.

"Nothing!" The best friend's laugh had died down, but he was still smiling. "Is she tricking me, then? Can't she really see colors?"

For Taehyung, it was impossible that you were still living a monochromatic life. It was obvious that Jeongguk cared for your feelings. However, Jimin thought the opposite.

"Seriously? God. I hate that brat so much!" Jimin didn't know that he was capable of hating Jeongguk, but after listening to your story, he couldn't help the annoyance he felt for your soulmate.

You were currently inside a restaurant that was just across the sushi bar where Jeongguk and his boyfriend were at.

Jimin missed you as much as Taehyung missed his best friend. The last time you two communicated was three weeks ago. You did tell him that Jeongguk was your soulmate and that he didn't seem to like you.

Jimin brushed it off at first. He told you to give Jeongguk some time. He failed to tell you that your soulmate just went through a tough breakup though. Jimin knew it wasn't his story to tell.

"Don't. Gukkie's a good person. He just didn't know any better."

"It’s because he isn't trying!" Jimin crossed his arms. He was aware that it was unfair to get mad at Jeongguk, but your best friend could tell that you were getting hurt because of your soulmate's insensitivity.

"If I were you, I would give up on him."

You shook your head instead of agreeing to his statement.

"Jeongguk reminds me of law school."

When Jimin raised his brow, you started to elucidate what you meant.

No one, not even your parents, believed in you when you told them you were going to law school. Sure, you were smart, but you weren't strong like others. You cry immediately. You couldn't handle harsh opinions. You couldn't even handle sleepless nights and intense competition. You hated conflict. You had always been a mediator.

Even Jimin tried to stop you. He asked you so many times if you truly wanted this. It's not that he didn't trust you. Your best friend was only concerned about your well-being. He was there when you were having a difficult college semester. Undergraduate life was clearly much easier compared to graduate school. Jimin couldn't let you lose yourself just because of law school.

But you were determined to prove them wrong. Yes, law school was hard, but you were stronger. If you remained passionate about learning the law, you knew you would become a lawyer.

Guess what? You did.

This was what you were holding onto every time you felt like giving up on Jeongguk.

Pain was nothing if you could make him fall in love with you.

"Jeon Jeongguk!" You shouted when you saw Taehyung and your soulmate walking out of the sushi bar.

You and Jimin had also finished eating.

Your soulmate looked at you with furrowed brow. He didn't understand why you were shouting when the two of you were just a few meters away from each other.

"I LIKE YOU!" You shouted once again. Your voice was so loud that people couldn't help but look at you.

You were gaining attention.

Taehyung and Jimin were laughing their asses off. Jeongguk tried to run away, but his best friend held him down.

"You're fucking crazy!" Jimin shook his head, still laughing when you started to form a big heart over your head.

"I LIKE YOU SO MUCH, JEON JEONGGUK." You continued.

Jeongguk was dying of embarrassment, but you didn't care.

You were sure.

Jeon Jeongguk was going to love you.

#jungkook #jeon jungkook #jungkook fluff #jungkook friends to lovers #jungkook fanfic #jungkook fic #jungkook angst #jungkook enemies to lovers #jungkook e2l #jungkook series #jungkook soulmate au #jungkook roommate au #jungkook sugar baby au #ficswithluv #bangtan #btsfanfic #vmin fluff

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hollyhomburg · 3 years

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Dear Li,

Thank you for writing such beautiful stories, each one now earning a special place in my heart.

As a person who has suicidal thoughts and a desire to self-harm, ‘Butterfly,’ was very comforting to read. It felt like people were there for me, and the thought of that made me smile. To take in the fact that there are people out there like me and that I’m not alone felt surreal at a certain time. When you’re suicidal your whole world is your enemy. You feel as though you’re the only one suffering. And this particular story helped me overcome that.

‘Don’t worry Love,’ was relatable and warm. It managed to perfectly showcase how a person who starves themself feel. Through both our mc’s pov and Jimin’s pov in ‘Just for you.’ To have someone understand you even if they’re fictional is good enough for me. But.. In general, your characters are more than that. They’re human.

‘He wanted to be skinny, wanted to be perfect, wanted to eat screams of praise up enough so that he’d never need another bite of food again, all he had to do was get there.’ This particular line gave me the chills. Because at a point in my life that was me. :)..

‘Sweet like Honey (Break like Glass).’ I’ve always had a low self-esteem. There was a time where I couldn't even look in the mirror without thinking, ‘Damn.. I’m hideous.’ How Taehyung cherishes the mc in there made me feel precious. And even if I don't have anyone to cherish me as of right now. I’ve learned to cherish myself. Every bit of fat, skin, and bone my body consists of. And there will be times where I’d go back to those thoughts. But I’m trying. So I’m proud of myself.

Those are the stories I relate to and have found satisfaction in. But that doesn't mean the rest of your stories are any less. You’ve shown me how abuse can do to a person, how it affects them, how it haunts them, and how moving on can be hard. Most of all, you’ve shown me how beautiful yet heart-wrecking love can be. You’ve basically have given me and everyone else who read your stories free life lessons. Whether it was on how to treat people, how we can learn from mistakes and the different sides of life. You’ve taught us well..

And thanks to your writing, heck yeah I found a spark in me I thought I lost. There was a time where I lost interest in writing, the one thing that has been with me for my entire life. Through you, I got to remember why I liked writing so much. Because writing was able to relieve stress for both me and the people who read my work. Because it was able to bring comfort to both the reader and me. Because it distracted us both from the real world. That’s why I adore writing with all my heart.

I don't know if you’ll ever read this. But.. Thank you. You’re my saviour. Without you who knows what would have happened? I could have lost the love of my life, writing..

I think I should end this letter now. My fanfics are waiting for me to continue them. :)..

Sincerely yours, an enthusiast of your blog

P. S: Please never forget to take care of yourself, and the fact that you are a person who brings joy to others.

A hug from Jimin :)

(A little birdy told me he gives the best hugs. I know I shouldn’t be talking to birds. But.. It’s about Jiminie. How could I resist?)

honestly, there where parts of your message that gave me chills, because i think for the first time like- i'm now on the oposite side of the feelings that you write? like i know how you feel and ive felt that way about authors before.

im so happy that ive been able to help you rediscover what you love <3 what i love too <3 i love writing about the hard topics, the ones that people seek out when they're feeling their worse to hopefully make them feel less alone,

i think a lot of human suffering is universal- in the way that everyone feels more alone the more pain they feel- weather or not that pain is of similar source or not. and while reading these things may only remove tablespoons and tablespoons of pain at a time- at least people leave a little better than they where when they came.

i just want to remind people that while life can hurt- it can also be fantasically soft and lovely, that there will be places to rest if you only look for them a little harder <3

this was a verry sweet message! thank you for sending it to me!

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r029 · 2 years

Text

Being self aware is so fucking important. Like from what ive read and it makes sense but the emptiness is always going to be there aswell as the fear of abandonment, you just have to accept that and not fixate on it. Like how some when depressed don't want to do anything and stil try. You just have to try, even if you don't want to. It's crucial. And I'm not saying "oh just try! If you try youll be happy!" But you don't lose anything by trying. I'm not seeking professional help and i don't ever plan on it honestly, but i can look on how i act how i do and its like? You know how to get out, you know what your weaknesses are and you know your strengths. Improve the weaknesses and hyperfixate on those strengths rather than weaknesses. Everyone has weaknesses and flaws, no one is perfect. Just because someone has a degree doesn't mean they're better than you, just because someone makes more money doesn't mean they're better than you, just because someone looks flawless on the outside doesn't mean they're better than you. By comparing yourself its bound to make you feel worse, focus on yourself and if you feel sad by something someone else has or is, take the time to figure out why and think am i jealous or do i just feel worthless compared to them and realize that you are important and worthy just as much as everyone else. everyone makes mistakes, not just with Bpd, but everyone, and everyone has setbacks. And that's okay. If you have a hard time figuring out who you are, think about everything you've ever liked and loved, disliked and hated and why that is. For me ive always loved music, i just find everything about it beautiful, the lyrics, the sounds, the voice, all of it. And i know that, that is something im genuinely passionate about, so when i feel low i now know that i have this one good thing and instead of using an unhealthy coping mechanism that i should immediately turn to music. Which will take a lot of self control and is extremely hard especially when you're not used to ever really having control, but i can admit that i have this problem and that maybe ir won't ever truly go away but i know it will and can help me with not only myself but other people. And you may think "i don't deserve it" and you can realize that there are a lot of bad people that don't deserve a lot of things and stil get whatever it is they want. Don't throw your life away if you can say 100% that there isn't something you want. Bpd is filled with insecurities, that's why we're so sensitive, but you're no different than anyone else. You can have the life you once dreamed of having, you can have that healthy loving significant other you've always wanted, you can have that friend or best friend you've always wanted, you can have whatever it is you desire in a healthy way and that is healthy and beneficial for you. Don't let yourself get used because other people did, you never deserved that. It's not easy, but it can be if you try and make it. Sowwy that this was all over the place, i always have a lot to say and just wanted to share my thoughts and opinions for those interested 🖤

#actually bpd #bpd life #borderline

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helenazbmrskai · 4 years

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Jimin as a merman 🧜‍♂️

• "Stop looking like a kicked puppy, will you? Smile, we are on a vacation." Hyeri having none of my passive attitude I honestly feel a little guilty about my bad mood which is clearly affecting her and when she is frustrated she sulks like a kid but she can't blame me before our vacation a letter sat on my coffee table my long-time crush whom I hold close to my heart with an unhealthy unrequited love buried deep inside the imaginary pocket in my most vital organ just sent me a letter to seek out my congratulations on his wedding which is in fact in this weekend and I am here sitting next to my friend under an umbrella and watching the waves of Busan hoping that the spirals will wash away this weird feeling this uneasiness the weather is warm and the water is invitingly lukewarm but I can't help but mop around and throw sand I can't control my emotions or in this case my facial expressions even if I wanted to.

• "You know why I am like this," I call her out on her insensitive behaviour. She knows how hard it is for me but she still insisted that I should have fun just because she ordered me to come with her to this vacation when I truthfully said I don't want to.

• "I'm really tired of you pinning for that guy he is getting married for the love of god can't you pull your head out of your ass and move on?"

• I pursue my lips together with her every word stabs at my heart and I know she is right but it still hurts not just her words but that she is saying them now when the betrothal invitation is still fresh in my mind it's probably still laying on the table where I left it the previous night neatly folded with tear stains on them.

• "I'll be right back." I give her a tight-lipped smile rushing to the isolated area of the beach which is blended with rocks where the waves splash upon them the comforting rhythmic of the water crashing against the high rocks soothes my nerves. I sit on a nearby stone easing my legs into the water carefully which is indeed warm. I throw my head back a heavy sigh leaves my chapped and parted lips eyes closed to bath in the overwhelming self-pity I feel for myself right now.

• Something moves a few feet away I can hear the faint sound of a grunt my eyes shot open scanning the area to locate the origins of this noise. I stand up to go closer to the water looking between rocks a pair of eyes find mine the boy grips the rocks to steady himself pupils dilated and pure horror evident in his face. We stand there looking into each other's eyes for long moments neither of us moving he mostly because of shock and me mostly because of curiosity.

• "What are you doing down there?" I ask the stranger in a low and honeyed tone I don't want to scare him away his eyes are full of unreadable emotions so I am extra careful with my words he looks like he will disappear if I am too forceful.

• He opens and closes his mouth like he doesn't know what he wants to say a huge blush starts forming on his pale skin I swear I can see his grip is tightening on the rocks I'm worried he might cut his fingers on the rough surface.

• Sensing his discomfort I send him a sincere smile a bit forced but that's the most I could muster at this moment and it seemed enough because he smiled back. A blinding smile full of teeth and cheeks such a lovely sight that I hope he will never stop smiling at me like that.

• The silence is nice I sit and just aimlessly looking beyond the horizon watching the endless water flowing as showing his eternal beauty some sort of calmness envelopes me when I found the eyes of the gentle stranger again he comes across as less cautious and more curious now. Inching closer to my stiff body he experimentally touches my feet his fingers glide against my skin with ease my leg jerks away his eyes look up to see if I am feeling uncomfortable but I just chuckle because of the tickling sensation. His touch is warm and wet, his hand leave drops behind making me shiver when a strong stroke of wind encompasses

• He flattens his palm against my thigh warm and gentle almost feather like I watch him as he explores my features I feel exposed and examined under his curious gaze I almost forget why I was so sad and angry in the first place but unfortunately it's just as it sounds an almost

• "Uh, can I at least know your name before you touch me more?" I don't know why I let his wandering hands on my legs but I don't feel like I should worry about his intentions his smile was so pure before the only thing I see in his eerie orbs are wonder and awe no bad intentions like lust or mischieve.

• "M-my name is Jimin." I wanted to coo at his light and charming voice if it was even possible his face burns with more embarrassment he quickly removes his hands gripping the rocks again but he stayed there right next to me he doesn't leave or purposefully make a move to distance himself from me. He just looks shy in a cute way.

• "Jimin." I taste each syllable on my lips rolling off my tongue like an unseen breeze that caresses our faces unseen but tender in a way he blushes further hearing his name as I address him with utter carefulness and warmth. Like I am in a trance the aura that surrounds him is intoxicating in the best way possible leaving no room for rotting thoughts and insecurities. I feel content for the first time like Jimin can be the cure I wasn't even looking for. The cure for my aching heart is in his eyes that holds a million stars captivated in them the smile which brings joy and shakes me to the bone. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around the idea this feeling I am not sure I was capable of.

• "I'm Y/N." I speak when I realize I never shared my name with him. He gifted me one of his big smiles reaching his eyes with the fondness he clasps the rocks firmer to hold himself above the water a silhouette of a tail flicks the water in my direction the droplets make me lean away my stare is fixed on the spot underwater my lips part to question him but I don't even know what to ask. A tail? What does this mean?

• "D-don't be afraid." I rip my gaze from the water to see Jimin's eyes reflecting anxiety and fear he holds his hand out in my direction to touch me to reassure me but he never makes contact with my skin. He swims away his tail appear above the water for a millisecond before diving back in under the depth of the water.

• "Jimin?" I call out his name but he doesn't appear again no matter how many times I call for him. I bite my lip looking for his form but the water is too deep to see where he went. He left and I didn't have the chance to tell him I am not afraid. I was never afraid of him.

• Hyeri taking in my gloomy state as I venture back to the place I left she sighs she gently weights down his palm against my shoulder she looks at me with a guilty expression.

• "I am sorry Y/N I know I was cruel to you saying those things. I just hope you could move on from him and be happy." Understanding flashing in my eyes I smile at her pulling her in a bone-crushing hug. My thoughts were so full of Jimin's sudden appearance and disappearance that I forgot why I left and why I am here in the first place.

• "You were right. Yes it hurts but its the truth. I'll try to move on. I think I might be ready." The reality finally clashing with my dream filled foolishness the wedding invitation materalizing in my head the final push that I realize we are really not meant to be.

• I ponder about my memories with him. Why I fell in love with him is because he is tender and too nice for his own good. No matter how hard I tried the timing was always off. He found the girl of his dreams I remember the jealousy I felt when he first introduced her to our friend's group I never paid attention to how in love they were. No, they are. The guilt suffocates me heavier than ever before finally seeing through my envy and false hope I can't blame anyone but me. I was foolish. I wonder if I ever sincerely loved him as I thought I am but it's not right. I was loving the way he made me feel I was hunting those feelings like I desperately wanted to be loved. Seeing myself in this new light I felt like crying.

• Just then I thought about Jimin and his full-blown smile his tender touches and the hurt and fear in his eyes as he swam away. I wanted to see him again. He made me feel all sort of things I never felt before I didn't realize I am walking in the direction of that rocky area I first met him but I made myself absurdly stop.

• Do I have the right to feel like that?

• What if I am just sinking my fangs into my next victim he was nice to me and I am ready, no, more than eager to fill the void after the guy I thought I truly loved are now engaged. He would be sick of me he would be disgusted by me.

• I turn to leave. Yes, it's for the best. I was so blinded by my own greed that I never considered him. So I did the first step I never thought I'll ever be able to accomplish.

• "Hello? Y/N? Is that you?" I gulp once I hear his voice on the other side of the phone. He was quick to answer considering that I avoided him I can't be surprised that he is worried about me he was always like this. He cares for his friends deeply.

• "Yes, it's me. I am sorry but I can't be there on your big day. But hey let's meet after I get back I want to congratulate you guys in person." I propose I feel a lump in my throat but I stand my ground.

• "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. But it's fine you seemed unwell so rest as long as you want." A laugh escapes comically entertained by his words they don't stink as much as I thought they would.

• "No need to worry about me just focus on your wedding. I am fine I think I really am." I am shocked I could talk with such virtue admitting my faults maybe helped me realize what we had and had not made things easier in a way.

• "See you when you get back right?" The hopefulness in his voice caught me off guard I faintly heard her voice calling for him but he's waiting for my answer instead of replying to his fiance.

• "See you then."

• After the phone call, I thought I would cry but the only feeling is there yet emptiness and its the good type.

• "I am so proud of you Y/N. Really." Hyeri who watched our exchange smiled hugging me close a comfortable silence envelopes us as we stay like this for a little longer.

• Approaching with a wild heart and uneasy steps I'm stunned my steps halting like its rooted to the sand all of a sudden to see Jimin out of the water resting on a rock his tail lazily flicking the water with a swinging motion. Gaze trained far away as he played with the water twisting and turning it with his hands just for the liquid to escape his attempts of caging them between his fingers but in vain as it pours back to its rightful place.

• "Why are you sulking here alone?" I take a big step, finding my voice in the process.

• "You came back." Disbelief shadows his tone looking with big round eyes it's hard to look away from his dreamy gaze but I had to when I almost fall into the water while climbing onto the rock he occupies.

• Light giggle finds its way out of his parted lips steadying me with his familiar warm hands on both sides of my waist I beam at him watching as his tail wags creating an uneasy wave just as a puppy would do in favour of showing his happiness.

• "You really came back." Hearing it again perks my interest up. Does this mean?

• "You came here every day in case I come back?" My eyes widen as Jimin's face immediately turns into a very vivid shade of red even his ears are on fire. He fidgets in his sitting position the way he laps the water with his tail slows down looking everywhere just not into my eyes.

• "I was thinking about you too. I just needed time to think about something. It's not related to you though I don't mind really if you are human or not." I offer him a smile just like the first time but now I feel happier, I can truly smile at him with no cloudy thoughts or negative emotions. This smile is only for him and he seems to appreciate it as his smile is more blinding than the last one I saw.

• "I wanted to see you again Y/N." I laughed in an unladylike manner his shyness is endearing in a cute way he watched his hands intertwined in his lap in nervousness a new feeling bubbling in the depth of my stomach as I watched him I felt the urge to touch him hold his hand hug him tight. Is this normal to feel that way? I'm not sure.

• "You're not exactly looking right now." I decided to tease him liking the reactions I can get out of him.

• "I am." He locked his gaze with mine his lip formed a sly smirk when I wasn't able to come up with a witty response shutting down completely when he focused solely on me bare emotions played out in front of my eyes to see. Relief, hope and something else swimming in the depth of that dark orbs of his. Jimin's playfulness is messing with my head big time.

• "Can I touch your tail?" I shyly requested the shining skin makes my eyes wander the length entertaining the idea of how it would feel to touch it. It's probably firm and strong since he swims with it so it has to be strong to push through the uncontrollable waves.

• "Go ahead. Is it only fair no? I touched your legs last time." I nod not trusting my voice how the table has turned I'm the one who is blushing this time.

• It's wet and the texture is weird but I can't help myself. I caress the line where his skin ends and the tail begins I can feel him shudder under my touch I venture further after going down the length of his tail as much as my hand can go I press my fingers into his stomach defined and hard I wonder if all mermen are this fitt as Jimin is.

• "That's not my tail Y/N." The call of my name and the playful tone makes me bashful I pull away apology is on the tip of my tongue when he takes my hand placing it onto his erratically beating heart I look him in the eye to understand what he's trying to tell me with this.

• "I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel different like I never felt before." I start mumbling confused with my actions I try to pull my hand away but he refuses to let me.

• "Nothing is wrong with you. I feel the same. I have this weird excitement in the pit of my belly I want to touch you and I want you to touch me. I think we are soulmates Y/N."

• "What?" Taken aback by the sudden claim Jimin holds my hand tighter fearing that if he allows me go I'll disappear and maybe he is right with that.

• "Don't be scared, please. Let me explain." His eyes begging me to let him rationalize and it pulls at my heartstrings I nod silently letting my fingers stretch out to stroke his skin he relaxes as he releases a long breath I wasn't aware he held back before this very moment.

• "I felt the connection like I was electrified your smile felt like home I was never so attracted to someone as I am to you. Please believe me when I say I am certain that you are the one. The one I was destined to spend the rest of my life with."

• "I don't know Jimin. How is this even possible?" I am a bit sceptical I was never one of those who believed in soulmates. Even if seeing him and every fibre of my body wanted to believe in his thoughtful words that we are meant to be. I am still broken not sure how to swallow this.

• "You don't feel the same, do you?" My heart sinks as his clear eyes hazed by pain. I shake my head I want to comfort him that I feel it that I know what he is implying.

• "I do Jimin." I gaze at him lovingly with a sad smile as soon as his eyes clear it clouds again within seconds.

• "Then why are you looking so sad?" He pushes away my hands on his skin as if I burned him with that single touch and I can't blame him.

• "I liked someone. I was obsessed actually." I start I look up to the sky instead of his face it's easier to talk when I can't see the storm of emotions in them.

• "You are nice Jimin, more than nice. You're perfect and I am broken. I am a horrible person I am miserable and I don't want you to sink in this ship with me. You deserve better than that."

• "Bullshit I want you." Even though I love his determination and it makes my heart flutter I still hesitate to accept his love that would mean I am nothing better than the person who was pinning for his friend when he already loved someone else.

• "How about we .. slow down?" I trail off a little thinking about what should I say that I won't hurt him more than I already did.

• "Slow down to what?" Jimin seems genuinely confused like he doesn't understand me.

• "Let's get to know each other Jimin. We can figure things out together? I would like that."

• "I'm willing to do anything if it means your not going to leave me."

• "Sit with me?" I tap the cold rock next to me Jimin is excited to hop down to the spot splashing a bucket worth of water at me when he used his strength to pull out of the mass of transparent liquid.

• "You look happier today." He looked at me in pure joy. I am happy if you are happy. I smile nodding and kissing his nose as a soft thank you leaves my lips.

• "What for?"

• I give another kiss this time to the corner of his mouth after he questions me amazed by my affectionate actions.

• I went home for a couple of days to visit my parents and to meet with Kyu and his wife we had coffee and some pleasant conversation. I packed my bags and told everyone who is close to me that I'll permanently move to Busan. I had a girls night out with Hyeri the last day. I can tell Jimin was eager to meet me after we haven't seen each other for a week. Things are going well. Too well actually that I often question how long will it last. But not today.

• "I missed you." The words escape without my consent but I don't regret it because Jimin's dazzling smile takes my breath away. Snuggling into my neck as he always does when he feels suddenly shy warms my heart understanding just now what he meant that fateful night it does feel like home.

• "I missed you too." Murmuring it into my skin I let my eyes wander this spot became our spot. I push his head to face me he whines but complies nonetheless using that look against me I so much come cherish like I lit up his dark sky and hung all the stars for him to help along his tiring journey. It's content just to be here and I understand the concept of soulmates for the first time.

• "I have good news for you. Not just for you for us as well." I continue capturing his undivided attention he eyes me curiously.

• "Tell me don't tease me more Y/N." He gives me his best pout the one he knows I cannot say no to.

• "I bought a house here to live with you." My confidence wavering not sure how he will react but my fear dissolves as he smiles cupping my jaw to bring our faces closer. He looks extremely happy.

• "You did? So you won't leave anymore?"

• Nodding to satisfy his enthusiastic neediness confirming my statement with a one more uttered 'yes' before he leans in.

• I tangle my fingers in his locks smiling into the kiss sensing how eager is he to please. I change the angle to deepen

• Tongues intertwined kissing him leaves a salty after taste that is so Jimin he smells like wildflowers his skin is glistening in the sun provided spotlight wet fingers caressing my warm skin thumb moving against my cheekbone I decide to pull on his upper lip I am satisfied when I hear an impatient groan from him

• The kiss gets sloppy after a couple of seconds chasing each other touch while bathing in the setting sun's low glow.

• "I am so glad I met you Jimin. My Jimin." I comb through his hair see him panting to gain back the oxygen I stole from him eyes half-lidded still immersed in the taste he got wishing that we would never stop kissing like this.

• "I'm yours." The breathless answer came soon after.

• With a widening smile I pull him closer he follows my movements like a ragdoll taking in his flustered state I want to tease him more but I decided against it.

• "Do you love me Jimin? Because I certainly do."

• Jimin whines painfully that I start to think I said something wrong but he is quick to reassure me pecking my lips for a short time but dives in soon parting my lips with his own to get another taste.

• "I do. I do love you. I'll always will no matter what."

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bluethecosmicbadger · 3 years

Text

Quiet. That's all that could be heard at the moment, save for the sound of a couple noisy crickets just outside the window. To be honest, Wilhelmina had thought the spider that had made it's home in the windowsill would have picked them off by now. Instead, she had to make due with nature's ensemble as her tired eyes scoured through every article clipping on her desk. 'Local Man Disappears', 'Cincinnati Barber Thought To Be Mystery Killer's Latest Victim', and other such titles popped out at the sleep deprived journalist as she skimmed through over and over again, trying to find any sort of details she might have missed before. Why on earth would she invest so much time and effort into this case? After all, police dropped it when they told her that they did all they could, but unfortunately they just couldn't find any leads. But they're wrong. She couldn't explain it, but they just had to be. Call it what you will–she's desperate, she's crazy, she needs to face the facts–she's heard it all before. She knew Nathaniel better than anyone! Even though the two of them had been divorced for a little over two years now, Nathaniel just wasn't the type to skip town without telling anyone, and she highly doubted anyone wanted to kill him. After all, her ex husband was always so personable. Although, even she had to admit that her former spouse did have his blockhead moments, but surely that wasn't enough motivation to kill him! No, there must be something else going on. Who'd want to kidnap Nathaniel and for what purpose?

The minutes slowly ticked by into hours, and soon her eyes started to sting. Wilhelmina allowed herself to let out a yawn, shutting her eyes for a moment. As soon as she did so, she heard what sounded like a voice break the silence behind her.

"Say, doll, you look like you could use some help."

"Oh, of course not. I—" and at once, she cut herself off as soon as she processed what just happened. "Hello?" She announced clearly, scanning her eyes around the room. "Why, hello my dear." Wilhelmina spun herself around, frantically trying to locate the source of the voice before her eyes locked firmly on the radio. "Don't be frightened. I mean you no harm." The voice told her. The young journalist cautiously approached the radio, leaning forward to examine it. Was she losing her mind, or was the radio...talking to her? Not like a prerecorded thing, but actually talking to her in real time? No, of course not. That would be impossible. "Well? Are you not going to introduce yourself, my dear?"

"Where are you?" She asked, a bit interrogative, to be honest. The man chuckled in response. "You're not going to find me anywhere in this world." He told her. "Oh, 'in this world'. Brilliant, what the heck does that..." She suddenly broke off into a giggle, dropping her head into her hand with a deep sigh. "I must be losing it! I'm talking to my radio and expecting it to answer me back!" She said, mostly to herself. "Oh, but I can answer you back. See? I'm doing it right now." By now, Wilhelmina had crouched herself on the floor along with her radio. She scooped the device up in her hands, inspecting it closely for anything out of the ordinary. Faulty wiring, accidental broadcast–anything that would provide some reasonable explanation! But she didn't even remember turning it on in the first place. "But that's–"

"–Impossible? Oh, come now, nothing is impossible!" Chuckled the man, and Wilhelmina couldn't help but roll her eyes at the comment. "Like I haven't heard that before...what did you say your name was?" She inquired. "Now now, you still haven't told me your name. That's very impolite, you know." Replied the man. The young journalist let out a sigh, but she agreed with no more snark. "Very well then." She cleared her throat. "Pleasure to meet you, random voice on my radio. My name is Wilhelmina Prescott." She introduced. "Now, may I know your name?"

"Why, I'm Maxwell. Charming to meet you." Wilhelmina could practically feel the man grinning at her through the radio, and it made her shiver unpleasantly. "Well, now that we've said our hello's to each other, how do you know I need help?" She asked, hoping to move the conversation swiftly on. "I've been watching you very closely for a while now, Ms Prescott." Replied Maxwell. "You've been spying on me?" Demanded Wilhelmina, searching around her home. "Where are you?" She asked. Maxwell simply laughed at her alarm. "I wouldn't call it 'spying' more like...observing from afar. Besides, I told you you'd never find me in this world."

"So...you're spying on me, is what you're saying. That's pretty creepy, you know. And what do you mean 'in this world'? Is this some kind of practical joke?"

"Why, Ms Prescott, how dare you accuse me of such nonsense? I happen to be a very dapper gentleman, thank you very much."

"That doesn't change how creepy it is, Mr Dapper-Gentleman!"

Again, Maxwell chuckled at her response. "You've certainly got quite a bit of spunk, Ms Prescott. How admirable." He remarked. "But allow me to humbly apologize for being, as you say, creepy. I only want to help you find your missing ex husband, after all." He told her. Wilhelmina snapped her focus back toward the radio. "How do you know about Nathaniel?" She inquired, leaning herself closer. She just had to know, and maybe she could prod this Maxwell for answers. "I told you before: I've been watching over you for a while now, and I want to help you. Trust me, my dear Wilhelmina."

"Trust you? I just met you, why should I trust you?" It was a perfectly sound question, at least in the journalist's mind. "Because I'm a friend of Nathaniel, and I can help you find him." Replied Maxwell. "I can give you the information you so desperately seek." He said, dropping his voice to a conspiring whisper. Wilhelmina gripped the small radio tightly in both of her hands. "What do you know? How can you help me?" She's been searching high and low, and she still hasn't found hide nor hair of Nathaniel Walker anywhere! She was almost beginning to think that perhaps her ex husband really was murdered or something horrible, but then suddenly this strange man contacts her through her radio and tells her that he has what she seeks...honestly, if she where to tell this to anyone, she wouldn't be surprised if they admitted her into a loony bin! A man mysteriously appeared on the radio and told her he could help her find her ex husband....what nonsense! Still, she was all out of option, and she had a funny feeling this Maxwell fellow knew that. After all, why wouldn't he since he's apparently been watching her?

"Alright, I'll bite. What do you know about Nathaniel?"

"Oh, I'm afraid I can't tell you that just yet."

"Ha!" Exclaimed Wilhelmina in disdain. "Why not?" She asked, cocking her eyebrow. Oh, she should have known there'd be some kind of snag! That's what she gets for trusting some voice! "Well, what am I going to get out of this little arrangement? I can't just give you something without getting anything in return." Replied Maxwell with an air of nonchalance. "This is hardly an arrangement, you're supposed to be telling me what you know about Nathaniel!" Snapped Wilhelmina, growing impatient and irritated. If he really had something of value to tell her why wouldn't he just cough it up already?

Maxwell clicked his tongue. "Well, if that's going to be your attitude about it then perhaps I'll just be on my way...." He informed smugly, and then he promptly went silent for a few moments. "No, no!" Squeaked Wilhelmina hastily. She couldn't just let this slip through her fingers! This was the first lead she's had on Nathaniel's disappearance since she's started tracking it! "Look, I'm sorry if I've been a little snappy, you have no idea what this means to me." She sighed, and once again she could almost swear she could feel Maxwell grinning at her through her radio. "Then, do we have a deal, Ms Prescott?"

"Yes, we do."

"Excellent...you've made a wise decision."

#don't starve #don't starve oc #writing #prose #don't starve maxwell #don't starve radio #writing prompts

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etlunainmorte · 4 years

Text

"Trust me, V."

"(Y/N),... I should not have dragged the both of us in this hopeless situation. Forgive me,... "

"You came. That's all that matters."

"It's true what they say: when there's a will, there's a way."

"You said, please, say yes. And I said, yes! I'm going to the New Year's Ball with you, V!"

"Parting is such sweet sorrow,... that I shall say good night 'till it be morrow. Let us meet,... in the land of dreams. In a beautiful garden,... somewhere only we know. See you soon, my love."

"Stay with me, please. Until I fall asleep."

"Seeing you happy,... is the only single thing in this world that keeps me going. So, please, smile,... and be happy. Don't ever blame yourself for what happened in the past. It was never your fault. Live for the people you love. Smile,... for there are people who truly loves you. And they would never leave you, no matter what. Don't forget about that."

"I do,... take Lord Victor Blake as my husband. I promise to love and cherish him above all else. I will take care of him and support him. Through thick and thin, for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. If your soul shall seek mine after death, then I shall wait for you in the next lifetime. Then, the next. I will wait for you, for as long as it takes. J - just,... don't forget about me, alright?"

"I do,... take Lady (Y/N) (L/N) as my wife. This fool will love and cherish her above all else in the world. I promise to care for her, to support her through thick and through thin. If falling for you is a sin, then I refuse to repent. Like a river that flows to the sea, or a fool rushing in, I have fallen deeply in love with you. I cannot help myself from falling in love with you, my dear darling (Y/N). I will stay with you, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health. And I shall never stop from loving you, even after my death. My soul shall seek yours, and we will be together again,... in our next lifetime. And the next. I will always love you, my dear, beloved (Y/N). Until the end of time."

...

I will,... fulfill your three wishes,...

... no matter what it takes.

I will make you,... the happiest woman on earth.

Love me tender, love me sweet.

Never let me go.

You have made my life complete.

And I love you so.

Love me tender, love me true.

All my dreams fulfill.

For my darling I love you,

And I always will.

Love me tender, love me long.

Take me to your heart.

For it's there that I belong.

And will never part.

Love me tender, love me true.

All my dreams fulfill.

For my darling I love you,

And I always will.

Love me tender, love me dear.

Tell me you are mine.

I'll be yours through all the years,

'Til the end of time.

Love me tender, love me true.

All my dreams fulfill.

For my darling I love you,

And I always will.

***

🌸 Three Wishes 🌸

***

For my darling, I love you,

And I always will.

You smiled as Fleminger's performance came to an end. He knew the man possessed such a wonderful singing voice? Not to mention a deep fondness for all things Elvis Presley?

"That's such a beautiful song." You told V as you leaned on the railing of the Grecian balcony just outside the mansion where he led you.

"I never expected Elvis Presley to be," V answered in a low and soft voice as he joined you. " ... such a poet. Those words are,... truly heart - warming." And it was true. He has been listening to that song on loop the moment Nico introduced the King of Rock and Roll's more mellow songs to him.

You hummed in agreement, trying to ignore Salvador as you heard him calling his boss for the third time. "I wonder where Lancaster went?" You finally asked as your eyebrows furrowed in disgust after mentioning your former lover's name.

"Who knows,..." V answered, not wanting to divulge the fact that he felt the presence of Vergil's Yamato a while ago. Where on earth did Vergil bring that doctor, anyway?

"V?" You piped in a few moments later when the sound of applause and cheers from inside the mansion died.

"Hmm?"

All of a sudden, you were at a loss for words. There was something truly deep and mysterious within those hypnotic green eyes of his. More than ever before. You felt it when he looked at you and invited you outside a while ago, and partly because of that ( and your almost unhealthy addiction to romance novels and chick flicks ), you somehow knew what would happen next. You just didn't have the strength to confirm or admit it. It's not that you're worried about it, no.

It was more like,...

... you felt that this was a truly wonderful dream that would vanish as soon as you stirred in your sleep.

And you didn't want this dream to end.

"Thank you." So, you told him instead. "For inviting me here." Looking up at him, you smiled and squeezed his arm next to yours. "Thank you so much."

"Anything for you, my dear." V answered as he heard Fleminger speaking once again.

" ... the runner - up for the King and Queen of the Ball goes to,... Dante and Trish! Congratulations! If you two may, please, step forward. Thank you!"

"Wow. That's Michael Jackson for you, I guess." You said as you listened to the wild cheers and hoots. "And now, Lady will receive her Queen award - "

"(Y/N)?"

You looked up once more at the man, surprised when he suddenly interrupted you. "Yes, V?"

"I know this is awfully late but," He began, and took out a pastel - colored notebook from his breast pocket. The thing that Nico handed him. " ... this is your Christmas present. Well, Nico was the one who thought of it first. Then, the others helped. All of us collaborated."

"Aww! How sweet of you! Thank you so much, V!" You exclaimed as you received the notebook from him. Excited to see what's inside, you began to turn the pages but, then, you remembered. "Wait. I don't have a Christmas present for you! Oh, my God! I forgot! I'm so sorry, V - !"

"It doesn't matter, dear." V answered, smiling at you. He, then, nodded at the notebook in your hands. "Please. I would like you to see it."

You nodded, once again ignoring all the noise inside the mansion, which was honestly a bit different from before. Not cheers, nor applause but, something really weird. Were they,... objections of some sort? You opened the notebook, and saw,... something that made you smile silly! It was - !

"Hey! This is," You looked up at V as you pointed at the photograph. So, it is a scrapbook, after all! " ... this is our Halloween event!"

"Yes." V answered with a smile and a slight wince, reeling at the thought of him dressing up as a mystical blue Genie for Halloween. The body paint! The steel pot!

Stand in a steel pot, she said, V thought ruthlessly. It will be fun, she said,...

"Everyone is here! Dante and his weird costume. Nero, Kyrie. Wait, Kyrie was dressed as a Witch? I thought she was the Girl from Ring. Oh, and Avery and Roman as Morticia and Gomez!" You turned to the next page, saw the next picture, and laughed even more as you helplessly shook your head. "This is when we watched Star Wars! Was Nico spying on us?"

"I couldn't deny that, unfortunately." And V was saying the truth. Nico and his familiars did follow them all day in the shopping district, despite his strict instruction to leave you and him alone. And they managed to produce tons upon tons of stolen shots of you and him.

"This is crazy! Oh, and these are during the Christmas party for the children! The kids enjoyed seeing Griffon as Grandma so much. Oh! And they love your violin - playing, too, V."

"Thank you."

"These are such wonderful pictures!" You complimented as you looked at the photos one by one, vastly enjoying them. But, when you reached the next page and saw the next photograph, your heart seemed to stop beating.

And V? He felt his breathing hitch. It's as if he was forced to stand at the edge of a cliff with someone pointing a gun at his back.

And at the same time, Fleminger spoke once more.

"And to start our last dance for this evening to be led by our King and Queen runner - up, may we call on our special guests for tonight? Let us give a warm round of applause to Ms. Jam And The War Veterans!"

"V," You whispered, confusion getting the better of you as you stared at the strange vintage photograph of yourself dressed in an exquisite gown as you stood at the top of an awfully familiar - looking staircase. " ... I,... don't understand,... "

"Please," V pleaded as he laid his hands on yours, urging you to keep looking. " ... see the photographs."

Trusting V's words, you continued browsing, and as the music started, you felt your consciousness leave your body.

The way you're dressed in these photographs. The setting. Everything.

It's as if,...

... somehow,...

... you've gone back in time.

Never thought that you would be,

Standing here so close to me.

There's so much I feel that I should say.

But words can wait until some other day.

Unable to form an appropriate response to the photographs, you went on browsing, until you found an old letter attached to the next page of the scrapbook. Gently grazing the old stationary with your fingers as if it was a really fragile thing in danger of crumbling, you read the letter.

"Love and harmony combine,

And round our souls entwine

While thy branches mix with mine,

And our roots together join."

But, it was Sir William Blake who said it, and not me.

For, if I' am given the chance to send you a different poem that I have written myself, I would give you none.

My dearest, how could a foolish man such as myself form oh so eloquent words to write poetry if he is in awe of the beauty right before his very own eyes?

And because of that, let this foolish man send you these heartfelt words, instead:

Good night, my Little Wanderer.

My Evening Star.

My Beloved Muse.

My Little, Innocent One.

My Little Lamb.

~ Yours truly, Victor Blake.

"Victor,..." You muttered, looking at the familiar swirl of the letter - sender's handwriting. Then, turning to the next page, you saw,...

Kiss me once, then kiss me twice,

Then kiss me once again.

It's been a long, long time.

Haven't felt like this, my dear,

Since I can't remember when.

It's been a long, long time.

You'll never know how many dreams

I've dreamed about you.

Or just how empty they all seemed without you.

So kiss me once, then kiss me twice,

Then kiss me once again.

It's been a long, long time.

"V is this,...?" You muttered as you saw photos of you together with V but in the same vintage setting.

And in those old photos, you two were always together. Laughing, reading, playing music, walking hand in hand.

You two,... were always together.

"Are we,...?" Your mouth forming incoherent words due to utter disbelief, you turned to the page to see the very last photo. Of you and V surrounded by a group of friends throwing flower petals at you. All of you looked so happy and cheerful, and it looked as though you two were just married.

And those clothes you were wearing,...

... they were the same, exact ones that you and V were wearing this exact moment!

They were,...

... vintage wedding clothes!

And you chose to wear it because you felt something really strong and emotional and sentimental about it! No wonder Avery was so surprised about it!

You and V,...

... were your great grandmother and this Victor Blake's future lives!

"You know, V spent a lot of time in this room last October." Is what Avery told you before when she showed you your great grandmother's bedroom.

Did V,...

Did V know all about this?!

"(Y/N), I know it's confusing but - " V began, very nervous because of the revelation.

"We have always been together, you and I." You told him. Looking up at him as you inched closer towards him, you went on. "No wonder I feel this way about us! The answer is right here! V, you and I were together!"

"I,..." V stuttered, then gulped. He couldn't possibly predict what your reaction would be about this whole plan ( since his mother's necklace was stolen, he had to think of another thing to give you, and that's when Nico suggested this ). At first, he thought you would consider this as a well - collaborated practical joke ( he did hesitate a lot about this, but decided to just go with it as he had no other last - minute option left ), knowing that things such as photographs could be altered nowadays in a way to make them look old. He never expected you to be this,... accepting. "Well, you see, it's a very long story,... of what happened last October. These,... chain of events,... that led me to you. But, it can wait. I will tell you everything. I promise." He took your hands, which still held the scrapbook, and raised them to his lips. Giving them a kiss, he finally uttered the words you never realized you have been waiting for. Until now. "I would adore to hold you in my arms for the rest of my existence. However, I cannot force you to choose. I will never do it."

"But, what if I want to choose?" You asked V with a knowing smile, giving him the one huge hint he never knew he desperately needed. Until now. "What would you tell me?"

And the poet took this hint as a massive opportunity. Oh, yes, indeed!

"(Y/N) (L/N), would you stay by my side,... one more time?"

A smile creeping up on the corners of your lips as overwhelming feelings of joy flooded your chest, you shook your head, and declared, with all your loving heart and longing soul, "Not one more time. I say, yes, now, tomorrow, always, and forever!"

"I adore you, my lady." V whispered as one of his arms went around you and pulled you close to him. "I love you so much, (Y/N)!"

"I love you, too, V." You answered, and oh, how good it felt to finally say it!

You briefly saw the twinkle in V's eyes before being pulled closer to him. And as your eyes closed the moment you felt his warm breath brush against your face, you couldn't help but let out a little sound of shameful excitement.

Hey, no one could blame you. Not now when his lips began moving rhythmically with yours. Not now when his hands travelled up and down your back in that very delicious caress. Not now when he seemed to pull you closer to his body, not having enough of this long - desired contact.

And definitely not now when he whispered over and over again how much he loved you and how much he wanted to be with you as he showered you with his love.

All of these wonderful things, this very unpredictable and yet romantic evening, this memorable moment shared between the two of you,...

... you will cherish this for as long as you lived.

Ah, yes! At long last! Finally!

And V? He actually never noticed it, nor the awesome display of fireworks in the clear night sky as Fleminger's party drew to a close, and the sound of the Carillion church bells nearby, signaling the very first hour of the year, but he finally fulfilled your very last wish.

Vitale Sparda has fulfilled all of your three wishes, and he could never explain the feeling of warmth that overwhelmed his heart as you two shared this loving moment, this very passionate kiss.

And he will cherish this moment with you forever.

Love me tender, love me sweet.

Never let me go.

You have made my life complete.

And I love you so.

Love me tender, love me true.

All my dreams fulfill.

For my darling I love you,

And I always will.

Love me tender, love me long.

Take me to your heart.

For it's there that I belong.

And will never part.

Love me tender, love me true.

All my dreams fulfill.

For my darling I love you,

And I always will.

Love me tender, love me dear.

Tell me you are mine.

I'll be yours through all the years,

'Til the end of time.

Love me tender, love me true.

All my dreams fulfill.

For my darling I love you,

And I always will.

***

🌸 I hope you enjoyed listening to my singing voice, winkwink! 🌸

🌸 @la-vita , @dreaming-gamer , @birdgirl69 , and @v-vic . 🌸

***

"How long have you been staring at those two?"

Fleminger turned just in time to see Adelaide walking towards him, her hands on her hips and her eyebrow raised. And this made the man smile, as he couldn't contain the happiness in his heart upon seeing her.

"Well?" Adelaide asked, stopping just three feet away from him and crossing her arms.

"Why do I suddenly feel like I'm being scolded by my prom date for leaving her?"

"Don't you dare dodge my question, Flanagan Allen!" Adelaide barked, and all of a sudden, Fleminger saw that young woman again.

That young woman,...

... who was his sole purpose for living.

"Is it wrong to take pride in one's,... accomplishments?" Fleminger asked her as he nodded at something outside the mansion.

Realizing that Fleminger was observing V and her grandchild happily watching the fireworks display from the Grecian balcony, Adelaide was beyond furious. Slapping the man's arm as hard as she could, she said, "How dare you, Flanagan Allen!"

"Don't you want those two lovebirds to be happy?" Fleminger questioned, offended and hurt as he rubbed his arm.

"Well, I want them to be happy, of course! But, I don't want you to intervene! You may think you are the greatest match - maker in the world, but those two got together on their own effort! You are just the one who put them in vintage fashion and placed them on the dancefloor like puppets in a circus show! You ought to be ashamed of yourself!"

"My, my, you're on fire,..."

"I'm always on fire."

"That's why I fell in love with you."

"Oh, shut the fuck up!" Fleminger received another slap in his arm as Adelaide let out a very crisp curse. "I thought you're married to Reginald!"

"And I thought you swore to never see me again,..."

"Seriously, Flanagan?! Until now, you're being like this?!"

"Like what?"

"Annoying! And irritating! And pompous!"

"And still in love with me?" Fleminger added with an apologetic smile that caught Adelaide off guard. "Aha! So,... I'm right!"

"Shut up. I don't intend on going back with you." Adelaide shook her head, turning away from him, still defiant.

Exactly like the Adelaide he fell in love with.

"Is that the news that got to you after all? That I married Reginald?" Fleminger asked her carefully, not wanting to waste this once in a lifetime opportunity. "I have waited five long decades for you to speak with me again. But you didn't answer all the letters I sent you."

Reaching out a hand, the man gently made the woman turn around to face him, and the moment she did, he felt as if they're back during that time as their younger selves. During that time before those decades worth of blunders occurred between the two of them. And now that she's here, all he intended to do was to fix the problem once and for all.

"Listen to me very, very carefully." Fleminger told her. "Reginald and I were never married, nor were we in any form of relationship. I told you that lie that we were together because your father wanted me to leave you."

"And you're saying this to me now?" Adelaide hissed, becoming overwhelmed with that familiar feeling of sadness once again. "Do you honestly believe that I would - ?"

"He told me that I' am too poor to be with someone like you. That I cannot afford the life you deserved. So, I had to lie and make you believe that I cheated on you. I had to make you leave me. For your own sake."

"Why didn't you tell me the truth?"

"Because I'm a coward. I could never face your family after all that. I had to think of a way to get you back. To get us back. I studied hard, I graduated with honors, I worked even harder. I achieved the,... ideal man,... that your father wanted for you to be with. And by the time I went back, I found out that you have already moved on. Got married to a mere accountant and had children. Living a content life under a small roof. You got married to a man who was supposedly lower than what I' am now. Inferior."

"Stop,... talking about my husband,..." Adelaide, being a very soft and emotional woman deep down, felt her tears already pouring from her tired eyes.

"But, I never held a grudge against you. You're understandably hurt, and you wanted to move on."

"What did you do,... when you found out?"

To this, Fleminger only smiled weakly. "I lived,... a very wasteful life. It took me many years to get back up again when I know I actually couldn't. Not without professional help, mind you. But, all it took was one tiny idea that got me springing back up to life once more, as hideous as it sounds. And this tiny,... idea,... has sprouted well,... like a majestic oak tree.

"For thirty years, I've been arranging these,... grand parties,... trying to get two strangers to be together each year. Or, at least I thought I have the power to do something for others which I couldn't do for the both of us when we were young."

"The King and Queen." Adelaide added.

Ah, so the rumors are true! Of a man who arranged parties just to get two people together because he couldn’t be with the love of his life, himself!

Oh, how tragic,…

"Yes. And no one deserved the title of King and Queen for this evening except for those two." Fleminger said, gesturing once more at the happy couple on the balcony. "Unfortunately, I have to disqualify the both of them for,... inappropriate behavior."

"Is that the reason why you left the titles empty?" Adelaide asked, her voice no longer laced with anger and hurt, but of pity and understanding. Pity that she and the man she once loved wasted five decades of precious life all because of an awful misunderstanding, and understanding because it felt like they were finally set free due to poor Flanagan's confession and honesty.

Ah! Such fools we both were,...

"That is the reason." Fleminger sighed. "But, I must say. You have taught her the ways of the Jive well."

"How did you know I taught her?"

"You have always been a great dancer. Besides, knowing you, I,... could somehow feel that you would rise to my challenge and show up to one of my New Year parties. With your well thought - out vengeance, that is." With a huge grin on his face, he added, "And you did."

"Huh." Adelaide crossed her arms once more. "Funny you should arrange your first ever grand New Year's Ball a year after my husband died."

"Funny you should ignore all of my invitations until now."

Flanagan and Adelaide looked at each other, and during this small moment of understanding, something clicked inside each other's heads. Like the sensation of putting the very last piece in a puzzle that has been left unsolved for many decades.

And then, they both smiled. The kind of smile they didn't have for so many years.

And it honestly felt good.

"Oh, I don't know!" Adelaide exclaimed as she stretched her limbs like she was a teenager once more. "You don't seem spry now like how you used to. And you don't look like you could pull off a kick or two."

"Oh, I'm very curious to find out, myself." Flanagan replied as he stretched his back, ashamed to see his stomach bulging because of it. Then, offering a hand to Adelaide, he asked, "May I have the honor of this Jive, my lady?"

"Certainly." Adelaide answered with a mischievous wink and a devilish smirk as she took Flanagan's hand, having the full intention of making the man suffer not only with Jive but through at least five more types of ballroom dances.

***

🌸🌸🌸

***

#vitale sparda #devil may cry 5 #three wishes #v x reader #v x you #chapter 15 #love me tender

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a-dragons-journal · 4 years

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Hello! Would you happen to have any tips on making 'kintype-like vocal sounds? I'm afab with an average feminine voice, and I can't seem to even just growl to myself (instead it sounds like a deep exhale). I'm seeking voice therapy for my gender identity but it'd probably seem weird to ask how to make "animal sounds" when they don't know I'm 'kin. If you know of any tutorials I'd greatly appreciate it! Thanks!

Honestly... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I really don’t have much advice, and I’m very sorry about that. It’s always been something that’s relatively instinctive for me, although I’ve definitely learned to improve and vary my growling sounds over the years. I can tell you how they work, mostly, but I've never really tried to explain how to do it beyond that.

I’m going to sit at my computer making noises and trying to articulate them for like twenty minutes now. Hurrr.

Speaking of which, let’s start there, I guess. I’ll put a diagram of the trachea and vocal structures under the cut to help explain what I’m talking about.

Hurring - a deep, relatively short growl (how short depends how much air you can get in your lungs at a time). I’m relatively sure it’s vocal cord vibration, but I really can’t talk while doing it, and it’s like a full octave below my non-hurring vocal range, so I’m really not sure how I do it. As best I can articulate, how to do it: flex your throat muscles to pull the front of your larynx forward/out (anterior) and put tension on the rest of your throat/vocal cords, then huff a hard breath out. If your throat vibrates and you get a deep growly hrrrrr sort of sound, you’ve got it.

Growling - there are a million ways to do a growl, but the way I do it I can sustain it for a lot longer than hurring, and it takes a lot longer to wear my throat out (I can only hurr so many times in a row before my throat starts hurting). It does sacrifice some of the low pitch, however, since it’s higher in the throat and thus has a smaller chamber of air to vibrate. It’s a uvula motion, not involving the vocal or vestibular folds at all, and it’s basically closing up the back of the throat as much as you can and then forcing air through so the uvula is forced to rapidly vibrate/open and close the passageway, creating a kind of rattling/hissing growl. Tense up the muscles in the floor of your mouth/jaw to accomplish that. If you put a hand on your thyroid cartilage (Adam’s apple, the hard bump you can feel most prominently when you run a hand down the front of your throat), you should feel that move upward as it partially closes off the airway, like it does when you swallow, except it stays elevated instead of dropping back down into place. Then exhale while holding that, and it should produce that rattling growl sound. (I find it helps if I snarl/pull my lips back to bare my fangs teeth, possibly because it helps pull the submandibular muscles tense.)

Hissing - probably the easiest one. Open yer mouth, bare yer teeth, and exhale hard without vibrating your vocal cords. The wider you open your mouth, the more it’ll sound like a cat’s hiss.

Throat-clicking - something I still haven’t found a transcription/onomatopoeia for. If you know what a throat stop is, it’s basically doing that rapidly and repeatedly, with or without vibration of the vocal cords (produces two slightly different sounds). If you don’t, it’s opening and closing the vestibular folds (aka false vocal cords), which are the structures right above your vocal cords that allow you to hold your breath. If you take a breath, hold it for a few seconds, and release it on an exhale, you’ll feel the click of the vestibular folds opening from their sealed position. From there you should hopefully be able to figure out how to open and close them without having to hold your breath, and that’s all throat-clicking is. Like I said, you can either vibrate your vocal cords (hum) or not, and it produces two slightly different sounds.

I think that’s about it for me, at least off the top of my head. Anybody else got anything to add?

Medical diagram of the vocal tract under the cut for clarity about what I’m talking about.

Vocal fold = vocal cord

False vocal fold = vestibular fold (I use the latter name because it’s what i was tested on, but both are correct)

#otherkin #dragonkin #noises #rani talks #asked and answered #anonymous #gdi tumblr let me use the readmore

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forkanna · 4 years

Link

[AO3 LINK] [EF LINK]

NOTES: Second-to-last chapter; only a little epilogue left! I hope everybody likes how I wrap this up. I'm always nervous when I come to the end of any sort of longform narrative. It's so easy to ruin all your hard work with a mediocre ending, but I did my best!

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Sadayo Kawakami's apartment hadn't changed much since the younger of the Niijima sisters last visited. However, it was a completely new sight for the elder. Try as she might, she couldn't suppress a curl of her lip as she glanced around at the shabby surroundings.

"Welcome," the terrified teacher said as they stepped out of their shoes. She was dressed in much more mundane clothing than she had been earlier; simple blouse, yoga pants. The slight bags under her eyes had somehow deepened in color in the few hours since they had last seen her. "Um… I have tea, I think. Or instant coffee, if… you…"

"Coffee, please." She was clearly trying to make an effort. "Don't worry, I don't expect LeBlanc."

"Coming right up."

Once three cups of instant coffee had been passed around, the women sat in tense silence for a few seconds as they sipped. Makoto felt a little awkward because she didn't have much of a taste for coffee, but decided not to say anything for fear of being perceived as immature.

"So I think it would be best if I heard from you first," Sae began once the silence got too strained and stale to be tolerated anymore. "Before I start. What explanation do you have for the situation I walked in on?"

After heaving a deep breath, she whispered, "None."

"Excuse me?"

"I've been thinking about it a lot, and… I don't have a good explanation. I was forcing myself on a student, and… and it was wrong, and… I'm sorry. You'll never know how sorry I am. But you should do whatever you want to me. Makoto is totally innocent."

The younger Niijima sister's eyebrows went sky high. After glancing at the confused Sae, she turned to her teacher. "Sadayo… what are you saying?"

"What's necessary. Be quiet." The order shocked Makoto, but she didn't have time to think about it because she was continuing, "Niijima-san, I will go quietly into custody. I only ask that you not put the handcuffs on me, and let me… let me walk out of here voluntarily. I promise I'm not a flight risk; I have nowhere to go. Just don't drag me down there like an animal."

"Kawakami-san…" Sae's arms folded over her chest. "That wasn't what I asked for. And I think you're lying to absolve my sister of any responsibility."

"I'm not. Just take me in, and…" Seeing the prosecutor lean closer, her voice got quieter. "Please, just get it over with, I don't… want to keep wondering how it's going to go."

"No."

"What? Are you… what are you trying to do? Make me 'sweat it out'? You already have a confession!"

Pointing at the teacher's confused face, she commanded, "Makoto has told me that you haven't had any kind of sexual contact thus far. Not with her, anyway. As such, while I could get you fired from your position at Shujin, there is no legal impetus for me to do so. Your night job is probably against school policy, and immoral, but aside from that… I suppose my sister is old enough to consent to a kiss or two. Therefore, I have no real motivation to drag you in, since this case likely wouldn't go to trial."

"Wait, wait," she protested, waving her free hand back and forth as she set her coffee down. "Now I'm really losing it. Because it almost sounds like… you're letting me off the hook. But why would you? I've been corrupting your-"

"I think it's more likely she's been corrupting you," Sae remarked, glaring over at the red-faced Makoto. "If a certain little display she made just before we came down here was any indication."

"It was just an example," the girl muttered.

Sadayo frowned down at her lap. "But you were so…" Swallowing hard, she whispered, "That was only the second time I've ever had a gun pointed at me. The first, it was just a mugging; as soon as he got my purse he was gone. But you were out for my blood. Don't pretend you weren't. So why the change of heart?"

"My heart hasn't been changed," Sae told her firmly. And Makoto carefully didn't look at her sister in that moment, even though the word 'yet' flitted through her mind. "I simply have deduced from the available evidence that instead of seeking to put a notch in your bedpost, you seem to honestly care for her. Why else would you try to take all the blame when I know my sister, and that she is nobody's victim?"

The room was quiet for a moment. Then Makoto whispered, "I'm sorry, Sadayo. But I can't let you go to jail." Then she said to Sae, "Everything I told you before was the truth. I am to blame. I lured her to the rabuho and I seduced her, over and over. The only thing she's guilty of is not pushing me away, but… I think the only reason for that is she knew it would hurt me to lose her."

"Not the only reason." The teacher's voice was full of undiluted affection as she sat slightly forward. "I'm… I d-don't deserve… you're so good to me…"

Sae's lip curled as she glanced between the two of them. "God. Perhaps I should leave before the dramatic music swells and you fly into each other's arms."

"Maybe you should," Makoto teased with a very slight smirk. Sae shook her head as she stood up. "Wait, where are you going?"

"Home. I already told you, if I decided I believed your story, I would let Kawakami remain free. Don't ever give me any new reasons to believe she's taking advantage of you, and I will… look the other way."

Sae was most of the way to the door when she heard "Thank you!" Turning around, she saw the teacher on the floor, bowing as low as she could with her forehead on the floor. "I… I don't deserve your kindness! Thank you so much!"

"Oh, get up. That behaviour is beneath you, especially in front of your student."

As Sadayo sat back on her heels, Makoto stood awkwardly. She had to say this immediately before the moment had passed. "Sis, I'm actually really happy. I know you're probably still upset about all this, but thank you for… for not taking it out on her. Really, I mean it."

Sae started to offer a flippant response, but one look at the earnestness in her sister's eyes made her sigh and dip her head. "Of course."

"You're welcome to finish your coffee," Sadayo told her as she stood again, still trembling all over. "I-if you want. Honestly, I've been kind of hoping to meet you."

"Why?" she asked suspiciously.

"You're the most important member of my- of Makoto's family, of her whole life. I didn't think I'd get to, since we were keeping our relationship a secret, but… now that you're here… I wanted to learn more about what makes you tick, I guess."

"You do not. You just want to learn my weaknesses so you can exploit them."

"Sis!" Makoto burst out.

"I don't," Sadayo assured her firmly, taking a step closer. "But if you think I'm some disgusting, over-the-hill lesbian, I'll understand if you'd rather scram. I mean, why would you think any different? You're such a strong, normal woman, and I'm clearly a weird freak."

Sae smirked for a moment, then let out a little laugh. "You think I'm normal, hm? I'm guessing Makoto hasn't spent much time talking about me."

"Huh?"

"You know I never tell anyone about that," Makoto told Sae pointedly, looking very slightly hurt at the idea that she thought otherwise. "It's not for me to tell."

"Of course," she reassured her little sister as she turned back to the living room, reclaiming her seat. The other two followed suit, picking up their cups of coffee. "It's alright, I can handle it myself. Kawakami-san, do you know what the English word 'transgender' means?"

~ o ~

"Sae has lived such an amazing life," Sadayo breathed as the two of them lay on her couch a couple of hours later. "Thinking about her, and everything she's been through… I feel like I've barely done anything, y'know? What a boring homebody I am."

Makoto nodded, curling against her teacher's side. "You are not. But yeah, that's why I shut down when she gets really upset. I know next to her, I'm nothing."

"Hey." A finger poked her stomach, and Makoto giggled. "Don't do that, okay? I mean, maybe I wasn't helping when I was being stalked and yelling at you for it, but you are an amazing girl! So smart, and talented, and strangely wise beyond your years! You're just… still a kid. That's all."

"A kid you're dating," she teased. Sadayo groaned, and she laughed. "I'm sorry, but you set yourself up for that one."

"Yeah… yeah, I did." Shrugging helplessly, she pulled her 'kid' closer. "But just because your sister won't be hauling me into court still doesn't mean I'm real thrilled about our nine-year gap, okay? I feel like a creep every time I think about it."

"Well yeah, but… what about when you're not thinking about it?"

A little whimper sounded from Sadayo as the teenager crawled up and onto her body, straddling her hips and gazing down into her eyes. The teacher's breath hitched, her lips parted.

"When I'm not… I think you're the best thing to ever happen to my life."

"That sounds better."

Five or ten minutes later, when they took a break from kissing so frantically it was as if they thought they were living on borrowed time, Sadayo pushed to a sitting position, running a hand up and down her face. Makoto sat next to her, rubbing her hand up and down her back and trying to be a calming presence.

"I have to quit that job. I… your sister's right, maybe I don't have any diseases right now but if I keep going down on clients, I'll probably get one eventually. And it's not just my health I have to worry about anymore, it's yours, too. S-so yeah."

"Well, it is how we met… in a way." They shared a brief smile. "But I'll support your decision."

"But I can't! How am I going to pay off the Takases? They… well…"

"What is it?"

Swallowing hard, she whispered, "They came to visit me at school. Said that I wasn't working hard enough to pay them back for Taiki's death, and if I didn't give them more… they would tell the school board about my night job, anyway. So I have to keep working for the money, but if I keep working there, they just have more leverage over me. Damned if I do, damned if I don't."

"They really said that?" Makoto breathed.

"Yeah. Ask your friend Amamiya; he was there."

Her eyebrows furrowed as she tapped her chin. "He said he wanted to talk to me soon, but didn't make it sound that urgent so I said I would the next time we all met up. I m-mean, hung out."

"It's fine. I'll just ask Victoria to print me out a new menu without Health Kiss on it, and… and keep working there until the day I die. Or they die, whichever comes first."

"Oh… I don't think that will be necessary."

"Huh?"

The twinkle in Makoto's eye was almost criminal. "You'll see."

~ o ~

A week later and the poor student was being smothered by her teacher's grateful kisses. Not that she was complaining; this was everything she looked forward to on a daily basis. Just because it was a sudden influx of affection that made her squeal and flail around didn't mean it was unwelcome.

"I knew it," Sadayo gushed eventually when the flurry of kissing had finally died down. "I knew you two were the Thieves! Well, probably also a few of your little friends, but at least you and Ren."

Makoto grinned at her as they relaxed on her teacher's sofa-bed. It was still a little scandalous to be there in the first place, but compared to the entirety of their relationship she couldn't seem to care.

"How do you know it's us? This could just be a coincidence."

Her teacher held back a smirk. "Sure, yeah. And we could just be gal pals. Come on, nobody else knows about my situation other than you two, and there's absolutely no way the Takases would have changed their hearts unless the Phantom Thieves intervened. Who else in Tokyo has the power to make crappy people do a complete 180 like that?"

"Could be lots of people," she hedged. Privately, she was also thinking about a certain ace detective and their suspicions, but that wasn't something she needed to worry Sadayo about. The public only knew about the Thieves and their supernatural ability to change the hearts of corrupt individuals, and that's what Sadayo was fixated upon at present.

"Nah, I don't think so." She kissed her student on both cheeks, making her giggle. "But yeah, they suddenly called me this morning and told me they were going to pay back every last yen I had ever given them. With interest! I'm going to be able to live like a queen for a little while!"

"That makes us two Queens." At her puzzled look, she hurriedly explained, "I-it's a nickname my friends gave me. Don't spread it around, though."

"Ohhhh, okay." The elder woman bit her lip excitedly, petting up and down Makoto's side. "So…"

"So?"

"Soooooo, if you're not too busy with Thieves business-"

"SHHH! I haven't even admitted that's true!"

"-and you don't already have post-graduation plans," she went on as if there had been no interruption, "would you…"

When she never finished, Makoto prompted her nervous girlfriend, "Would I what?"

"Would you want to go on a little trip with me? After you graduate from Shujin. Maybe just to, um, Okinawa, or somewhere more exciting? Since I'll have the extra money, and… and I'm really into finding out what you and me can be like when there's nobody to tell on us or judge."

Still stunned, all she could do was whisper, "You… want to go on vacation? Together? Like… together-together?!"

Sadayo gulped. "Yeah. I mean, it's still crazy that I'm with you in the first place, but I can't just sit around, squealing that I'm a lesbian. If we're really in this… I might as well start treating 'us' like it's real."

"Oh. When you put it that way, I can appreciate the logic." Cheeks rosy and smile small, she whispered, "And I think that sounds wonderful."

"Really?! You'd go with me?"

"Of course," she assured her, sealing it with a long, deep kiss. Her girlfriend melted into the contact, humming her obvious interest so loud it was almost obscene. During the moment, they had rolled over so many times she lost count, but they wound up with Makoto on top.

"Ugh, don't look at me," Sadayo half-laughed. "I was too excited to see you and ask you about the Thieves thing, I forgot to do my nightly rituals before I went out to meet you at the subway station."

"What are you talking about? You look as beautiful and sweet as you ever have."

"But I didn't moisturise. Or shower, or… not that I haven't showered today, though! I did this morning before work. But I would rather freshen up before spending any significant time with my significant other."

Makoto's small smile spoke volumes. "Well, how about I bathe you this time? Seems only fair, Becky."

"Wha… hey, that was my job! You don't have to pay me back; you already did. With actual money."

"But I want to take care of you. Please?"

Sadayo smirked and waggled her eyebrows. "You just wanna get me naked, Master."

"I…" Caught off guard, she blushed and ducked her head. "M-maybe, but that doesn't mean I'm not being genuine about taking care of my girlfriend."

"Uh huh." The smirk remained, but a little of that teacher-exclusive sternness crept into her expression. "But what did we say about steering clear of that kind of thing for now?"

Trying for flirty, Makoto leaned forward on her elbows so their faces were only an inch apart. "I didn't say we would do anything besides wash."

"True. But for some crazy reason, I think you have sinister plans, Miss Phantom Thief."

"Shhhhhhhhh! You can't keep talking about that, I'll get in trouble!"

"You know you can trust me. I'm your confidant, right?" When Makoto didn't look any more comfortable, she whispered, "I promise I'll take care of you. And that means keeping your secret for the rest of my life; that's an easy choice, Niijima-san."

Rolling her eyes, she chuckled, "We have to get used to being more familiar with each other, Kawakami-sensei."

"Yeah!" she giggled. "Guess so. And… well, if you promise to keep your clothes on, maybe… it won't be so bad. But if you get too fresh-"

"I will be a perfect gentleman," she reassured her teacher with a small smile. "Promise. Cross my heart."

So they moved toward the bathroom. Makoto had a very difficult time suppressing her nerves; this was going to be her first time seeing anyone who wasn't a relative in the nude, aside from brief glimpses in the locker room. Even then, she felt like a pervert and would look away quickly. Now her girlfriend - and that alone was crazy! - was about to be fully disrobed in front of her, and she wasn't sure she could handle that.

But she wanted to. More than anything in the world, she found herself yearning to get closer to this incredible woman who had completely changed her life in ways she was still figuring out. And besides, it was her turn.

"I'm nervous," Sadayo confessed with an awkward smile as she began to strip out of her yellow scoop neck. Makoto found herself staring down at the floor to avoid seeing too much all at once, actually watching the striptease, and saw her teacher's toes were curling with anxiety against the bathroom tile. "Like, have I mentioned that I pretty much never go on dates? I have, right?"

"Y-you have," she breathed, heart hammering a mile a minute.

"And it's different when I'm Becky," she said, as if predicting Makoto was going to mention how confident she was as a maid. Which, to be fair, she had been contemplating. The skirt joined the blouse on the floor, and Makoto's face grew hot. "I'm playing a role then. This is just… me. Sad, frumpy, tired old Sadayo."

"Nothing sad or frumpy about you." When she saw the panties joining the rest, she had to bite her lip to keep from squealing with combined dismay and excitement. "Y-yeah, maybe you're tired, but… that's going to change. Really soon."

A purr had entered her teacher's voice when she stepped closer. "Mm-hmm. And you're doing a really good job of not looking. Now… I'm going to turn and sit on the stool, and then you can look. Okay? Is… that alright? Maybe we should have gone to a bathhouse."

"No, this is fine," Makoto told her gently, smiling at the nearby wall. Once her teacher was in position, she rolled up her sleeves and approached. "Okay, so… please don't think too badly of me. I've never done this before. For somebody else, I mean; my sister used to do it for me, but…"

Her teacher smiled over her shoulder. "Don't worry, I'm not expecting my level of professionalism. Or anything, really. Just… y'know, put soap on me and spray it off. Easy. And if you have to jump out, I can wash myself; it's honestly not a big deal either way, okay?"

"Okay," she laughed with a small smile.

The two relaxed into the bathing ritual for a while. Though Makoto was distinctly aroused, and wanted to touch her teacher all over, she didn't have as much trouble forcing herself to stick to washing her as she had worried. The gentle motions and the small hums of contentment from each of them helped to boil the intensity down to a dull simmer: still a thread of sexuality in the air without it being overwhelming. And all the while, for both of them, there was joy at being able to be so close.

Until… "Aren't you going to finish the job?"

"What?" When she caught the look in Sadayo's eyes, Makoto gulped and whispered, "O-oh, I… well, you said we shouldn't do that until we're…"

"I'm kidding," she laughed lightly, though the wicked gleam remained. "You're right, we should behave ourselves. Sorry."

"Maybe I don't want to behave myself," she whispered. The smile slipped from her teacher's face, so she hurried to hold up both hands in surrender. "N-no, no, I won't- I just meant… I really wish I didn't have to. But I agree that it is the wiser course of action as long as you're technically teaching me."

A more subdued sort of amusement entered her face as she looked away. "You say that like you haven't been teaching me just as much, Makoto. But… you're right. Thanks for washing me, I'll, um… I'll take it from here."

For a moment, she simply watched her teacher rinse off her soapy form, longing seeping into every bone down to the marrow. Then she cleared her throat and whispered, "I don't have to go."

"What?"

"Go. I, um… I can…" She closed the toilet lid and sat, hands folding in her lap. "We can talk while you bathe. If you don't mind. Or I can let you soak and relax."

Kawakami was smiling a lot wider. "So domestic." When Makoto rolled her eyes, she giggled and added, "I'd love that. Just don't want you getting bored."

"I could never be bored of you."

Without even realising they began, suddenly she was kissing her teacher again, damp fingers winding into her wet hair to cradle her close. One of them being nude did change things but only subtly; the contact and emotion behind it was much more important. It was everything.

To Be Continued…

#Queen Of Temperance #forkanna writes #persona 5 fanfiction #p5 fanfic #sadayo kawakami #makoto niijima #makoto x kawakami #jess the writer

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estrxlar · 3 years

Text

The Ghost Of You

05 - I’m drained

Chapters songs:

Pope is a rockstar; SALES

I don't know you; The Marías

Coax & Botany; Gus Dapperton

—

- Y. L. Perspective

'Shit, I'm late.' I told myself, while a hand searched every corner in my school bag for my phone. Yet, it was nowhere to be found. Without my phone, I couldn't tell Suga that I was a little behind time. I told him I'd meet him in the gym around the end of his practice, but it was now 20 minutes after, and I couldn't be more stressed about my phone missing.

"Y/n, I'm sure he'll come looking for you right after," Giki says, putting her hands around her love handles, leaning against the wall. "If you two made plans to walk home, then he won't bail. He doesn't seem the type to do that. And besides, he knows where to find you, doesn't he?—"

I shut down any idea she gave that would help me calm down. "It's not just that! I need my phone, I can't go home without it. Fuck, this always happens!" I pull my hands out of the bag, and run them through my hair, looking around for a solution. "Dude, what the hell do I do?! He hasn't gotten here yet, and I really don't want Suga being angry at me!"

"Now why would I be angry at you?!"

Someone calls out from the doorway, catching both Giki and I's attention. There stood Koushi, with a cheeky smile plastered on his face, and one hand held up. "Missing something?" He said, as my phone stood between two of his fingers.

At the sight, I sigh, in relief, happy at least one of my issues was solved. "Thank you, so much," I say, as he smiles down at me, passing it. Honestly, I couldn't be more thankful for him; if it wasn't awkward, I could've even hugged him.

Gathering my things, I throw on my bag, and I'm able to become poised, instead of seeming like a mad man. "That's my queue. See you later, Giki. You have a ride home, right?"

She nods. After our goodbye, I leave the band room, then begin my walk with Suga. My hands ran down my blazer, hoping that it would warm them up a bit. Tonight was chilly, possibly the coldest night of the week. But that was okay, because cold, rainy nights were what I lived for; nothing felt better than sleeping during them. The only thing I was worried about was if I'd get home in time before the storm starts.

"Why are you so stressed out? You didn't seem this way during lunch. Is something bothering you?" Suga asks in his calming voice, interrupting my thoughts. Though, it wouldn't be bad to let them run freely from my mouth. The only thing I worried about was that I'd break down if I were to talk about everything that was on my mind.

But it wasn't like I was uncomfortable talking with Suga, so why not. "It's nothing, really. I think I've just recently been on the edge about everything. It's like, if some teeny thing goes wrong, I become a complete mess. But it's probably just because I'm still processing the fact that everything is happening so fast." I explain, rubbing my left temple while closing my eyes.

"I get it. That's how I feel, too. But I can't imagine how it must be for someone as busy as you. But if you wanna talk about it, I'm all ears."

I feel his eyes on me, as well as his hand on my shoulder. It laid comfortably, lightly squeezing it. At the action, I immediately open my eyes, nervous as to any movements, and hear almost my heartbeat through my ears. Honestly, I cursed myself for feeling so giddy inside just because he was being friendly, but I also cursed myself for thinking it meant something. That's what having low self-esteem means, thinking he likes me because he's nice. "Yeah, it's okay. Besides, I think all I need right now is to get home and rest. Maybe that would help me a bit— you know?" My voice cracks at the end, and the pressure of tears building up in my nasal passage, which came before a good cry.

'No, because I KNOW I'm not about to cry in front of Sugawara. That would be the worst situation.' I thought to myself, feeling my eyes burn. No way in hell I would do that purposefully. That would look as if I'm seeking attention like a lost puppy, which is exactly what I didn't want to seem like.

But sadly, a sniff from my nose reveals me completely, making him turn my shoulders towards him. His eyes looked worried, seeking reassurance I was ready to cry. "Hey, what's wrong? Are you okay?"

'There's the magic word.'

Now, a few tears escaped my eyes, quickly being cleaned away by my sleeve. But after a few seconds, it felt pretty pointless to try and hide them. "I— I'm sorry. I've just been keeping it all in till right now—God, this is really awkward." I say, giggling in nervousness on the last part, before placing both hands over my face and look down. The clouds growled above us, giving me a sense that they were about to pour as well.

"That's okay. I didn't mean to go over boundaries with your personal life— I'm sorry." He says, now putting both of his hot hands on my shoulders. "It's okay to feel overwhelmed sometimes, and it's okay to let your feelings out. But it's not okay to bottle up your emotions. I would know, wouldn't I?"

I nod, swabbing more tears before looking towards him. "Yeah, I know. I just don't really talk about it, especially now that my schedule is packed and all." I say, clearing my throat. As much as I hate to say it, Suga was right; nobody knew what keeping your feelings inside felt like the way he did.

And so, I kept crying, and stood in front of him for a good minute, just letting it out. He wasn't sure what to do at first, but then he put his arm around me, then another, and trapped me in a hug.

My head laid against his chest, and his hands wrapped around my neck, while he laid his head over mine. Although I felt truly humiliated and like a complete child, I guess a hug from a friend couldn't hurt. Honestly, I'd expected myself to break down sometime soon; Undergoing so many things can be stressful. Moving to a different country soon, graduating in only a year, and trying to drift from close friends was hard. The only thing is that I didn't expect to cry in front of someone I wasn't completely close with.

"What's going on, Y/n? If you don't mind me asking." To my surprise, his hand gently runs through my hair to comfort me and hums in worry. "I hope you know you can talk to me."

As much as I appreciated Sugawara trying to make me feel better, I still felt completely inhibited. But as much as a hated this moment, I just needed to let my feelings out. And now, I couldn't control when or where I'd do it, I just needed it to happen. Silently sniffing, a response later to his question. "I'm just realizing so many things are happening, and I'm feeling overwhelmed about it. But I'll get over it, don't worry." My stiff body pulls away slowly, and I hastily pick myself back up from my breakdown.

"Oh.. well, I understand that. You know I've got a lot on my shoulders, and I've had a lot of time spent in that corner of panic. I guess your third year comes with many burdens, doesn't it? But it'll be okay, Y/n. Your feelings are completely valid, don't feel bad or ashamed about them. And besides that, you should appreciate yourself for getting yourself through them, okay?" His hand strokes my jaw, raising it to meet his bright eyes, while an unavoidable smile of his appears. "You're gonna be okay."

As predicted, I felt a tad better than I had before. It seemed Suga found the exact words I had needed today, ones that no one ever told me. I wasn't so used to people comforting me this way in person, therefore making me uneasy when having this conversation with him. But I was glad that I did because now the knot between the two of us untied if only a little.

I nod, looking down towards my shoes again, as his hand leaves my face and travels back into his sweat pants pocket. "Yeah, I know. Thanks, by the way, "I mumble, before sniffing once more, and turning towards the direction we were walking in before I had started crying like an idiot. "I know I'm not supposed to apologize, but still, I'm sorry for making this awkward. Usually, I'm not the one to embarrass myself in front of somebody like this."

"Oh, don't fret. I've had my share of embarrassment, and probably the one with more shame than ever between the two of us," Sugawara replies, clearing his throat. "And I should be the one to give you an apology, It wasn't my place to be nosy and make you cry."

"Don't worry about it, I was bound to weep like a baby any time soon." A small chuckle leaves my mouth, lightning the heavy mood I'd created. "So, Suga, what makes you think you're more shameful than me?"

He too, laughs a bit, before answering my question. "Well, for starters, I've cried in front of Daichi, one of the most indestructible people I know. Not only was that embarrassing, but it was because I was too weak to face my problems. And second off, as you know, I don't handle them properly. Not at all."

"I don't know. Mind explaining to me?" I ask him, observing his reaction to my question. Thankfully, he wasn't too uncomfortable about it, but he was still hesitant to say much.

He sighs, running his fingers through his silver hair, and clarifies to me briefly. "N-nothing. I just used to have a bad perspective of everything; not trying, careless about other people, and dull. Really, really dull. I've made a lot of mistakes throughout last year, and ones that you can't fix easily. But I'm not like that anymore, at least I hope I'm not."

A part of me mourns for Suga. I knew exactly what that feeling was like, except it was around my first year of high school. For him, this only happened recently. "Well, I would know that. You don't seem very inconsiderate, more like a gentle guy." I say as we get ready to cross the road to our neighborhood.

"I hope so."

As we walk across the small road, I still feel a small portion of myself regretting ever crying in front of Suga. Yes, it wasn't that big of a deal and I would probably get ever it tomorrow, but that could have changed his perspective of me forever. I wouldn't want to seem like a little cry baby like I was before, if it seemed that way, he might have thought I haven't had any growth.

The rest of our walk is neutral, and none of our conversations include whatever unpleasant situation happened, thankfully. But throughout it, I couldn't help but think thoroughly through the information Suga had told me. I know he went through some shit bad, but I didn't know he was so down that way. I'd see him in hallways looking gloom and gummy, and rumor had it he was sleeping around to deal with it.

'Poor Koushi.'

Finally, the two of us reach my street, and my pace starts to pick up, as I turn behind me to say my thanks to him. "Thanks again, Suga. You know, for keeping me company and all."

The silver-haired boy smiles, looking up at me with his large hazel eyes. As he nods, his position slowly turns around, and he begins to walk away with his head down once again, making his way home. I for one, jog the rest of the way to my house.

It wasn't much— just a two-story that looked a tad more modern than the others around us. It had rectangular windows with a black windowpane and a tall dark oak door with small rectangular windows trailing down. Its brick was stained a light, dusty brown, which complemented the rest of the house nicely. The roofs were black as well, giving off an industrial theme. But besides that, the house was built like the rest that sat next to us.

I walked towards the oversized doors, fitting a key into the lock above the handle. It twists, making a 'click!' sound, and I walk past the entrance, closing the door behind me. It's nothing much— only as modern inside as it is outside. My mother had no struggle with making enough money to keep her house nicely decorated, even if she barely use it.

Honestly, being home made me sad sometimes. At school or friends' houses, I could be alongside someone. Even if we were doing nothing, I would still appreciate their company. But here at home, there was nobody, just like always.

It had only been this way after they'd both found jobs and began working so hard. Up until I was around five, there were distant memories of the three of us— me, my mom, my dad— living in a small apartment downtown, where a one-bedroom in the middle of high crime was all my parents could afford. But once they got their job, it was all nannies and more money. It wasn't later after that they got divorced after discovering that they didn't need each other anymore. Yes, I was proud my parents got back onto their feet after such dark times, but not if it meant that their kids had to raise themselves. Me being an only child, I grew up around teenage girls being paid 50$ an hour yet glued to their phones, while I would play with shit I probably shouldn't have. But it wasn't like it mattered, right? Soon I'd be able to leave Japan and start a new life, instead of being trapped under my parents' absent wing.

"Hey, Astra," I mumble to the small house pet, reaching my hand out to touch her while I slid my shoes off, placing them into the basket that held many others. Then I take off my blazer, hanging it up on the black metal coat rack, and stretch out my hands and arms. The cat under me escapes from my grasp, running into the kitchen for dinner.

Astra was one of the only things that helped me de-attach from reality for a second, and remember that it'll all be okay. That, and guitar. The only thing with playing guitar when you're stressed is that the anger only builds up if you can't get a note right. With Astra, she was a simple white cat who lounged around all day, and may I say a great cuddle buddy. But besides that, she was something I'd had with me for my entire childhood; she's always been my comfort corner.

The cat circles around my legs as I pour kibble into her small bowl while looking up at me, and down at the bowl. After I stand back up, she begins her meal, and I still stay starving. Lunch at school isn't very enjoyable, and my bento didn't have much today, so I guess I had to make my food tonight.

And so, disappointed, I open the fridge to scan what I could shove down my throat before bed. 'There's nothing but vegetables and expired yogurt once again. Gee, I've gotta go grocery shopping sometime soon.' My brain thinks when I suddenly find a small blue container sitting against the inside of my fridge, with a yellow note on it.

'Brought you your favorite. See you tomorrow morning. I'll drop you off at school- father.' My heartbeat comes to a halt at the words 'father'. Was he really here? Possibly for long? I hadn't seen him since about eight months ago, because as always, his job is more important than his daughter. Still— I wasn't completely comfortable with knowing he was here in Miyagi Prefecture, probably in a late business meeting. No way in hell he would ever come to see me volunteering. It must have been a job trip and I was on the way there. Besides, I wasn't sure if mother was okay with me seeing him so suddenly. But knowing them, they probably arranged for this to happen.

Was dad back in town?

—

Hey guys. I'm sorry I'm taking so long to update my chapters, I've just been super stressed out and kind of working myself a little too hard on many things. As always I love you all very much, and please don't forget to vote!!

- estrxlar

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chemical-cat · 3 years

Text

Just an update on me as a person...

So over the last few days I've been very quiet not only here, but on other platforms as well, especially on my tiktok.

Overall, I've just been trying to work on myself as a person. In the last 3-4 years, I've slipped into a rut, in which some of the behaviors I personally do are not healthy not only to myself but to my partner as well. Now they aren't anything abusive or anything like that, but to me personally they just aren't healthy and I wanted to work on myself.

Over the last year, I've been out of work mainly because I've been having significant health issues which have ultimately impacted my life to the point where I can't work a regular job because within the first 90 days, I'm running the risk of being fired because I'm having to either call in because I'm sick or if I try and push through, my previous jobs would send me home but still tie on a "strike" because I was a liability. (Even in some of these jobs where I worked a year or more, I would be on management's shitlist because of that despite me trying to push through as much as possible.) I've been dealing with these particular health issues for almost 5-6 years now, and while I have been actively seeking medical care for it, I've become so exhausted and tired. I'm tired of the countless tests, the pokes and prads, that result in absolutely no answers and sky high medical bills. I'm tired of countlessly being brushed off as a hypochondriac when I have people in my life, friends/family/partners there with me looking my doctors in the face and telling them they witnessed what I'm saying and that it's true.

I've had so many doctors look at me and tell me so many things that have broken me over the years, I've always been a very petite individual to the point I was labeled as a failure to thrive when I was 9 because I was failing to put on weight the way I should and to grow, I had stalled overall from growing. I have never had an eating disorder, and I will openly state that, if I did I would be honest about it because I fully understand that if I did I could get help and honestly if I did, then I would finally have an answer to my health problems. But I don't, I have always been able to out eat my younger brothers and family. However despite this, despite being with a family practioner who has watched my weight bounce around like a yo yo, and who knows I personally follow their advice for my diet and have tried multiple different changes to my diet just to try and maintain a solid weight, I have experienced my whole life being brushed off because of my size and that I must simply have an eating disorder that I'm to ashamed to admit. However, as I've pointed out several times to various doctors these crucial points if I did:

If I was anorexic, then not only after 5 years would it show but there would be other significant issues (not to mention I'm only putting this is into the 5 years where I have been experiencing health issues not the whole timeline of my life)

If I was bulimic, then I would be having issues with my throat being burned from throwing up constantly, as well as there would potentially be damage to the flap that covers your lungs from food/your stomach from getting air in it and it wouldn't work properly. Not to mention that throwing up has ALWAYS given me panic attacks and anxiety ever since I was a child, now as an adult who has ptsd for me personally, when I throw up I go into a panic attack, which more often then not during the panic attack ends up triggering my ptsd and I end up having flashbacks despite throwing up and the ptsd being unrelated. So personally I don't like throwing up, and I try my hardest not to.

Despite this, over the last year I've had so many negative experiences that it is beyond frustrating. Perfect example being that I went into the ER one night because I was throwing up so badly that I couldn't even hold water down, I was terrified. I couldn't even drive myself, I had to have my mother drive me to the ER at 3-4 am. When we got there, the doctor was completely dismissive and rude from the beginning, insisting that I was pregnant (just from looking at me when he entered the room), when I said there was no way I was pregnant, he got irritated and asked how I would possibly know if I wasn't pregnant (not like it's my own body, god forbid if I know whether or not there was a chance I was pregnant that I would or wouldn't know), when I replied that not only had I had my period every month like clockwork (and that alone isn't usual for me as I have pcos), but that I was currently on my period, as well as the biggest factor being that the last time I had sex was over 7 months ago so I think I'd know if I was 7 months pregnant, he dismissed me and insisted on doing a pregnancy test because he was sure I was pregnant. Which I did with no complaints just to show him that I knew what I was talking about, when the test came back negative, he entered the room and then insisted I had an eating disorder simply based off the fact that I was petite, and when I got reasonably upset at this and told him he was wrong, he once again said how would I possibly know. By this point my mom piped up, and defended me insisting I don't have an eating disorder, and that I out eat my younger brothers (one who is an adult and the other two who are teens), to which he replied with "in all due respect ma'am, how do you know she's not throwing it up later? You may see her eat in front of you, and then she goes and throws it up later, and she's just doing this for attention?" (Yes. He openly stated that I was in the ER at 4 in the morning, when I had to work that morning because I was 'doing it for attention') by this point I was irritated, stressed (because among a string of irrational phobias, I've always had a phobia since I was a child of doctors of any kind and hospitals, so being in a hospital is extremely stressful and scary to me.) I snapped, I was just so done with him as a doctor and wanted to go home, and I told him "because we live in a 115 year old house, and I can hear my parents fucking from one end of the house all the way on the other, so I'm pretty sure they would know if I was throwing up. Now are you actually going to help or can I just fucking go home?" To which he got huffy, and stated I had a stomach bug and released me. In the last 5 years, I've experienced many doctors like this and it is so beyond exhausting. I wish I was making up my symptoms, I wish I was being a hypochondriac because then I would have an answer, and I would honestly know it's all in my head.

Over the 3 years, I've experienced so much depression over this that I've lost a lot of joy in the things I once loved. Simply because as much as I wish it was in my head, I know it's not and the others around me have insisted that it's not either. Yet despite countless tests, there's still no answers, I'm left scared, anxious, and with no answers. At this point I don't even want a solution, I don't care about a way to fix whatever is wrong, I just want to know what's wrong.

My memory has faded to the point where I'm lucky if I can remember a conversation I had with someone 5 minutes ago. I have pass out spells where I'll faint randomly, sometimes I'm lucky and I'll get what I call 'warnings' where I'll get tunnel vision and I know I have less then 10 seconds to get down to the ground to limit possible injury to myself because either way I'm going down. The pass out spells happen whether I'm standing, walking, sitting, laying down, it doesn't matter. I get migraines so badly that it feels like someone is taking a spoon and trying to carve out the cavity where my eyeball as well as I get this hollow type sensation in my head as well. I have what I call 'eye twitches', where my pupils vibrate so fast I can't see for a minute or two, it comes on fast with no seeming cause as to why and it fades as fast as it comes on. (I have been checked multiple times by the eye doctor and it's been determined that there is no cause for this from the eye itself, and that nothing in the eye could be causing it, that other than an astigmatism my eyes are both healthy, I have been working with a neurologist and a cardiologist to get to the bottom of this). Off the top of my head, that's the major ones I can think of, I've been checked for low blood sugar, I've been checked for heart issues, I've done so many tests that I'm exhausted. This isn't a way to live, but yet I have to live in this body, in pain and scared and there are no answers.

As of now, I'm waiting on another test while fighting to get my insurance to actually pay for my medical bills (so far they're refusing and I have almost 10 grand in medical bills, for some of these tests it was verified with insurance before admistering them that they would be covered by insurance because they're expensive tests, insurance agreed it was covered and now refuses to cover anything). It's frustrating, and beyond stressful because it seems like I'm just watching the number climb, because of this I have been unable to get in for the next test I need. While I have been waiting, I've been trying to just make it day by day, I've been trying to be happy.

Because I'm tired of doctors looking at me and dismissing me based off the way my body looks, I've been desperately trying to put on more weight. Which I'm honestly happy about putting on weight because, I do have body dysmorphia and I can't stand the way I look I feel like I'm a walking skeletor, even though my friends/family/and my partner all insist I don't look like a skeletor but that I just look petite, I know it's just my own inability to see my body the way it is. So I've worked on not spending as much time in the mirror, when I do to check how an outfit looks or brush my hair that if I start saying negative things I start pointing out positive things instead, like:

A few days ago I wore a top, with a smokey type print, because this top had more print on one side over the other my first thought was how it looked like I had one boob massively bigger than the other (despite wearing a sports bra where even if that was the case it wouldn't even be that obvious, and it's natural to have one breast bigger than the other), and I pushed that thought to the side pointing out to myself that it was the way the print looked and that even if I did so what? It's natural and no one would really notice that.

I noticed I was starting to put on more weight, and started to get a little more of a tummy while wearing my favorite pair of sweatpants, initially thinking that I'd be unattractive with a 'muffin top', however I pointed out that it's ok to have a tummy, that it's natural and that having even a little bit of a muffin top is ok because I look healthier.

I've been desperately trying to work on the way my body dysmorphia shapes my reality, I know I will never get rid of it and that's ok, but I want to let myself even just some of the time find positive things about myself. During all of this, I've been tracking my diet, in doing so I have implemented a possible weird solution but it's working and that's what matters, I noticed when people diet they try to keep track of calories, and it can help them lose weight. On my phone, it has a health section, and based off my height and weight it has a section where you can monitor your diet (making sure you taking in enough protein, vitamins, veggies, if your taking in to much sodium/sugar, etc. As well as calories), based off my height and current weight, it automatically calculated a daily calorie intake to help me maintain that weight, I figured if I upped it and tried to hit at minimum that calorie intake then I may be able to gain some extra weight. (It was automatically calculated to have a daily calorie intake of 1,300 calories, so I upped it to 2,000 although if I go above that I'm not upset with myself I'm more proud than anything), as well as I'm working on taking in more protein, dairy, carbs (all three were recommended to me by my doctor to have more of these to try to maintain weight and possibly even gain weight), I've tried to scale down on how much caffeine and sugar I'm taking in as well, because I've noticed I have a fairly large sodium diet and I don't want to become dehydrated (because I also don't want dehydration headaches), so I've been trying to upscale in my water intake as well and trying to force myself to drink water versus more caffeine or soda/pop/sugary drinks. (Although, the sugar cravings definitely suck).

I've gotten a agenda/planner to help better keep track of appointments as well as just trying to set a daily schedule for myself as well (like I did back in school, especially with my memory issues so I didn't forget anything), in scheduling things I've been trying to schedule in time during every week to have a "weekend/relaxation time" where I don't do any type of work if I don't want to, a few days to just mentally de-escalate.

In terms of actual work, I've been working on making my own etsy store and products for it, reviewing other products from other businesses/tarot decks, doing tarot readings for clients both on livestreams and privately, as well as general work around the house.

In terms of my online work besides working on my shop and products for it, and doing reviews, and working with clientele in terms of tarot readings, I've also been slowly working on doing research for book reviews for witchy books. Some may see it as not legitimate work, but it's work to me, I'm trying to create an income in something that not only makes me happy but something I strongly believe in as well, but it's slow going.

Now this is just a disclaimer, I am not asking for advice, money, or opinions on my current situation or medical status. I am actively working with a medical team to best get to results as fast as they are able too, I do not want any form of donation to deal with medical debt. This was honestly just a place for me to vent away from my main profile on other platforms where people may have gotten the wrong idea and thought I was asking for money or tried to give me money, I honestly just wanted a place to vent and that's all this post is. It is a place to vent, and it's a moment in time that I can look back on in the future and see where all my progress started while I continue working on myself as a person.

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davidwindsor97 · 4 years

Text

For a while, I've been an asset to the U.S. Government. Since then they have continually asked what it is I want for my service. Since I am apart of a group of Missionaries that doesn't believe in payment due to service it has become complex to perceive what it is I do want. It comes the time to put into detail what it is I desire:

I want to reclaim my real full name, David Windsor. Of course, I want my blood to accept me. But at the moment it is irrelevant. I have an obligation to a people I can seriously relate to. People who if I was in the same position would gladly do the same. Maybe some of them wouldn't but why should that make the difference?

My circumstances have really been unnecessarily shameful. All I've wanted is to explore my identity and yet people offer secrecy. What I've noticed is in every branch of this United States Government there are those of advocacy and heresy. No sector of the organization feels solely the same for me. To consider such a thing would put everyone in the same bubble of thought. Such a form of segregation is something the Enemy holds in high regard. Which is why I shall remain intentionally ignorant of such practices.

I had the money and the means to get to Israel. But some fools froze my accounts impulsively and just plain extemporaneously as if I am some sort of terror threat. When I risk my life for there sakes they decide to paint me as an enemy. The kind of enemy destined for execution by there spiteful hands. What is logic? Simply put I am a Christian who is not swayed by their sinful indulgences.

I don't want a new identity or a new life. I want to accept the identity I've always had and enjoyed the life of which so many fools attempted to control. If my enemies face me like men instead of hiding like children and grow courage in the midst of numbers then I'll be ready. Why fear the wrath of man when I know the wrath of God is exact? Nothing could be swifter. So when I see these Barbie spies hiding every time I call them out I laugh. Because it reminds me of Adam and Eve. Didn't they try and hide from there mistakes? I too have tried to hide from my sins. The sin of deception, of arrogance, of selfishness, of lust, and there's probably more that I'm just not ready to accept. But that is the point, isn't it? We are all sinful people trying to make amends for our mistakes. But the only true way to do such a thing is to accept Christ as your savior. No government could give you a better chance than the Holy Trinity.

Another aspect that just bothers me is there constant attempt to find a code in everything I do. I was looking out this pleasant window expressing part of the Houston downtown area and people act as if I'm scouting out a sniper. My survival is based on a number of factors. But when God tells you you are safe their's no reason to doubt it. Relaxation is something I'm fond of. You just add anxiety when you anticipate something that isn't there.

They've made silent offers to go to school in the states. But frankly, this school system sucks. Elementary, Middle, High, and a bit of college. What did I learn? Absolutely nothing. Every useful skill I learned when I left the states or experienced extremities in the states. A school setting makes me want to regurgitate. Ergo, I would rather throw up than set foot in a ridiculous system. The education I required no money but all commitment. Sure some skills I acquired through favors and some coin. But the most important lessons were learned through earned respect. There's no way a school teacher respects every student. But when you first earn that mentor's respect thereby gaining the important lessons that are when you gain more than any college could give you.

That's not to say you can't gain a wealth of knowledge from any known education system. I've just learned more from the unknown ones.

I'll most likely come back to the U.S. to eventually pursue the arts. But that is not my main objective. I don't have scores to settle but relationships to build. No matter the high or the low that is all that matters. Perhaps the U.S will offer some resources for my journey other than the mud some of them (not all of them) have thrown on my face. But I really am fine either way. Here I can anticipate being treated like I have leprosy. So if I get nothing it would be by no means surprising. Plus they have the audacity to act as if they saved me. When really they're like a dad who decided to stop by after 22 years of abandonment while the mother (the Missionaries and other great heroes) has been protecting and guiding me from day one. And this mama bear hasn't taken any breaks. Even when a lot of them have. I have no doubt some of them relished the thought of my enemies killing me. But I am untouchable by God's grace not by any pitiful physical "mercy".

I am just so sick of feeling like I'm in a prison of misunderstanding. Despite my continual transparency. I'm transparent, not translucent.

There have been times where if they would have told me we're protecting you I would have to ask: how can you protect me from yourself?

Because if I didn't have my license and social a lot of them would have killed me by now. Does that mean they represent the entirety of the U.S. Government? Hell no! People like that are just examples of a load of cowards who can't accept how wrong they are because they're too busy bolstering up their egos. Honestly, I'm surprised they still have a job. How can you rely on someone who's more interested in saving their own asses then the guy next to them?

Oh, and do these pricks get pissed when I call them out on their bullocks. Then they try to act as they care about me. If I was a corpse on the street you would take a selfie, you sick demented morons! But have I, throughout this entire process, had a reason to anticipate death? By Gods Grace: no.

Their mistake is a heavy reliance on fear. I am referring to the cowards of course. Such people are a form of the slaver. They wish to keep their informants in fear so they can do anything they can to take advantage of them. To make the person bend over as they relish in their sadistic pleasures. Such people are the inevitable viruses of any system. Just because a car is dirty doesn't mean it can't be cleaned. Yes, I've given a wealth of information and exposed a wealth of criminals. But that doesn't mean I'm for free. Money has never been an object of concern for me. I've thrived with or without it. Its freedom I will continually seek. No amount of money, no occupation could be worth more than that to me.

Why should anyone fear my expression? Has it ever been a crime to express oneself honestly? Since I don't fear who I am I've officially accepted that cameras will follow me in some way. It seems my reputation has finally landed in the states. But at this point I quite like it. Just as long as personal space is constant. After all, I don't want to be treated like a slave again. A lot of people have called me a weirdo or just been confused by my actions as if I have to fit a certain mold. But I realized when I read the biographies of celebrities they were treated the same way. So I guess I could look at it as a good sign. I do think the photos and videos of me would be fun to watch in certain cases and just a plain invasion of privacy in others.

Despite these neanderthal's, I know a lot of them to care about me. But sympathy or apathy doesn't change that I need to go to Israel. Do I give a damn if my enemies know my destination or not? Of course not and I shouldn't have to mention why. There fear their of overt caution is just evidence of the fact that they have very little understanding of what they're dealing with. But the Missionaries do. And whether they help us or not makes no difference. We will still pursue the mission objective. As we always have and always will.

Yes, the Missionaries could get me there in a matter of days. But the relationship between the U.S and the Creed of Christians (Missionaries) needs to have a solid structure. Its clear to me now the whole purpose of coming back to the US to spill the beans was so I could be free to go where I please. Which thanks to my training is exactly where I'm supposed to go. I definitely can't dispute if it wasn't for the scrutiny of law enforcement and the constant surveillance (for a time) I wouldn't have had the chance to tear away from the fake family. So yeah that tearing away from that toxic mold couldn't have happened without them. It has been freaking cool working with them. Especially when I drove to LA. It was so composed. Every maneuver was a different thrill. And watching my enemies flee in fear wouldn't have been so satisfactory if it wasn't for my exposure induced by there surveillance. Recently the cowards tried to drug me which I can't help but laugh at. If my calculations are correct this is the second time they've attempted this. Even the Russians stopped drugging me because I learned how to fight through it. When it comes to any drugs as long as you physically exert yourself it is plausible to shatter that barrier between you and your capability.

One of the big mistakes some of them have made is thinking I am in some way going to be some sort of Edward Snowden ergo a boy who thinks he could run the country better by pointing out the flaws but totally ignoring his own hypocrisy by sleeping with a Judas of a Government. Look everyone can agree mistakes were made on both sides. As long as we remain transparent and not look for ways to annoy each other we really shouldn't have any problems. Yeah, I've been pissed off at the stupidity that has come my way, but that doesn't change the warm hearts I've come across as well.

Wither they be military, investigative, or a mixture of the two it's not hard to see that the people advocating for me within the U.S. Government and abroad are by no means few in number. This is why it is of the utmost importance for us to work together to put a stop to these extremists by any means necessary.

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