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mha-cuties-pls · 1 year

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Please.

Pairing: Kaminari x Reader | Rating: T (language) | Words: 2.5k | genre: angst

A/N: LOL i be tryna write that dabi scenario and shiggy one everyday but Ive felt so smut blocked lately and like this idea popped into my head out of no where like I bet Kaminari would be a big dumb cutie when it comes to this and I could totally see this happening. Anyways, enjoy my pain LMAO and if u think this should have a happier, smuttier, part 2 drop a comment and lmk ! Bc he’s a snack

“Just go away!” You yelled angerly, wiping the tears away that rolled down your cheeks harshly with the end of your sweatshirt. The way the rough material felt as you dragged it across your irritated skin stung, but you couldn’t care less. The only feeling you could focus on was the sinking one in your chest.

“Babe, wait!” Kaminari yelled, catching the door to your room swiftly before you were able to shut it in his face. “Come on, you have to talk to me.” He shouted while following you, finally cornering you between himself and your bed. Though, he was still met with you facing your back towards him. When he reached his hand out to place it gently on your shoulder, you immediately shrugged off the contact, sending a pang through his heart. Tears began to well in his eyes, though he dare not let them fall yet. “Please!”

You screamed out of frustration, eyes glued shut as you tried to steady your breaths. “No, just get out of here! I don’t even want to look at you.” Though you could still feel his presence behind you, and you could hear the small sniffles and breaths he was making behind you. “Please,” you begged, your voice cracking, “pl-please leave m-me alone.”

Kaminari looked at the way your body began to shake, and how your hands moved from their position on your sides up to your face to stifle the sounds of the sobs you were making. The sobs you were making because of him.

God, he cried internally, feeling a tear of his own roll down his cheek while he stayed frozen in his spot. Fear was consuming his entire being, and all his attempts to diffuse the situation just seemed to make everything worse. Why did I have to search those videos? He wondered, the breath catching in his throat once more as his body flushed, replaying the dramatic scene that had just went down a few moments before in his head over and over. Why did she have to see them?

“Babe-“ He started to say, but was cut off almost immediately.

“Don’t you dare fucking call me that.” You interjected harshly, turning your head around to shoot him a nasty glare. The way your eyes puffed out and your nose got red when you cried usually made you look even cuter to Kaminari, but the expression behind your eyes was something he had never seen before. It was cold, and calculating, and hateful. And it was directed towards him.

But, you couldn’t really mean that. Could you?

“So-sorry.” He said, his voice quieter this time as he looked between you and the floor, trying to avoid your harsh stare. “But, you d-don’t want to br-break up, right?”

Not letting your face falter, you stared at him in silence for a moment. Contemplating. Raging.

“Maybe I do.” The words left your mouth reluctantly, and hung around you two in the air menacingly during the moments that followed. Just as you felt yourself about to crack, however, you noticed the way Kaminaris eyes grew just a bit more desperate, and his lower lip began to wobble.

“No ____ please.” He choked out, and you watched the drops that once dotted his cheeks begin to form steady streams as he lost any resolve he had left. “P-Please, ____ dont do this to me.” Reaching out to you, he attempted to cup your face, only to have his heart wrenched even more when you flinched away from his touch. You used to love it when he grabbed your face. “I need you!”

“No you dont!” You yelled back, your voice going up several octaves more than you planned. The heavy feeling in your chest felt like it was never going to go away, and it was actually physically painful; Like someone literally ripped your heart out. Placing your hands tenderly on your chest, you pressed down, fruitlessly trying to alleviate the devastating ache. “Y-you obviously dont.” Your last words came out as a whisper, and you averted your eyes completely to the floor, allowing your vision to become blurry by your eyes unfocusing. Though when you weren’t actively looking at something, your mind flashed images of what you saw on his phone earlier. The gut-wrenching feeling returned in waves almost as strong as they were when you initially saw them, and a choked sob escaped your throat again in place of words. Oh god I think I’m gonna throw up.

“Baby,” Kaminari said, his voice cracking at the end. You wouldn’t have looked up at him, if he hadn’t of crouched down to where you were, bringing his face inches from your own. “Baby, I’m so, so sorry.” When you looked at him, you could see his face wet with tears, and the remorse was clear in his eyes.

But, unfortunately, its not like you haven’t been here before. “Yeah,” you mumbled out, wiping your red cheeks once more, “thats what you always say.”

And with that, Kaminari couldn’t deny, he definitely felt like the biggest piece of shit on earth. He watched your face contort and twist while you tried to fight back your tears, and wanted to say something to console you. Usually, whenever you felt like this, you would run into his arms, and ask him in that sweet voice of yours to hold you close to him while he rubbed your back in soothing motions and vented to him about whatever it was that upset you.

The only difference was, was that now he was the source of your distress.

“I-I know.” He breathed out with a meek voice, “I just didnt think….” But he trailed off, unable to explain himself in a way that he thought wouldn’t upset you further. Releasing a heavy sigh, Kaminari reached his hand out to pat your shoulder tentatively, and when you didnt flinch away from him or shrug off his hand, he felt a small part of him calm down. Maybe this will all be okay. “I wasn’t thinking.” Was all the explanation he could muster up. Which, based off your sour expression, wasn’t going to be good enough.

“That’s such a fucking cop out, Kaminari, and you know it.” Your voice finally seemed to be evening out as all the disappointment and sadness you felt burdening your chest turned into pure rage. “Why is it, that you get to do whatever you want, look at whatever you want,” you said through clenched teeth, “and I just have to be okay with it because ‘that’s just how guys are’?” Sure, maybe some people would say your overreacting. But really, were you? “I mean, come on, Denki!” The tears began to well in your eyes uncontrollably once more as you stared up at him, the emotions washing over too fast for you to properly register them, resulting in an all out breakdown from you. Grabbing fistfuls of his shirt, you pulled him closer to you dramatically, hoisting yourself up as well as you felt your legs become more wobbly by the second. As you stared into his eyes, you could see, he was hurting too. “I fucking begged you.” Your words were nothing but a whisper, and you couldn’t bare to look at him any longer, hanging your head down defeatedly.

“I know.” He said, and you could feel his breath on the top of your head, though couldn’t find the strength to meet his eyes. Part of you wanted to believe that it was remorse you were hearing in his voice, too. But you couldnt let yourself be so naive, especially after he basically just proved to you what you had known all along.

“So, just admit it.” Trying to get a grip, you took a deep breath, and wiped your cheeks again before looking back up at him. The way his sad eyes bore into yours made you want to cry and crawl into his arms, a place you had regarded as your safe space not too long ago. But, you couldn’t let him continue to make a fool of you. You wouldn’t. “Admit, that I’m not enough for you.” As soon as the words left your throat, you felt your lip begin to quiver, and water gathered in your eyes once more. You hated how this bastard somehow still had such a powerful effect on you when you just wanted to be rid of him.

“No!” He screamed, an incredulous look on his face. “Why would you even say that?”

“Are you FUCKING kidding me right now?” You screamed, all restraint and common sense lost. Straightening your back, you made sure to look him dead in the eye with the most spiteful look you could muster. “Do you take me as a fucking joke Kaminari?”

“N-“

“I wasn’t done talking!” Now at your highest volume yet, you were almost sure your screams could be heard through the walls. Hopefully no one was in their dorms at the moment, but honestly for the time being, you didn’t care. “I begged you Kaminari!” Taking a step towards him, you pushed his chest as hard as you could, causing him to stumble backwards as you went in to push him again. “I got down on my hands and knees and I fucking begged you not to watch videos like that! Hell,” you started, a crazy laugh escaping you, “I even told you to just delete your history, if you did, because I’m an understanding fucking person!” But of course, he just refused to listen to you; to hear you. “And you couldn’t even be bothered to do that, huh?”

When you looked into his eyes, you expected to see some semblance of anger or defensiveness, but were met with neither. Rather, Denki Kaminari sat in front of you, possibly for the first time ever, as a silent, weeping mess. Biting his lip and trying his best to contain his cries as you unraveled in front of him. It almost made you feel bad for him, until you remembered why you were both in this fight in the first place.

“No!” He choked out, reaching out to grab your wrist, “It’s not like that, ____. You know I love you.”

As much as you hate to admit it, your heart swelled when you heard him say that. Just hearing that brought a comfort to you that allowed you to breathe just a little easier, and the way his hand wrapped firmly around your wrist soothed your anger a bit more.

But this was far from over.

“So then why’d you do it?” You spat out, malice dripping from every word. Though, you couldnt help but let the next words spill messily from your mouth, your voice cracking as you asked, “why cant you stop?”

Big, ugly sobs escaped you following your words. Only now, you didn’t feel at all inclined to hold them back, and allowed yourself to cry more intensely than you ever had in front of him before. The violent way they left your chest made your whole body shake, and Kaminari was positive you couldnt see anything as you just left the tears to stream down your cheeks uninhibited.

He reached his arms out tentatively, and wrapped them around you slowly, until he finally felt your weight fall into his own. Taking a moment to simply sit there, he appreciated the feeling of you being in his arms again, something he feared just moments ago might’ve never happened again, and it would’ve all been his fault.

Running his fingers gently down the side of your head he smoothed your hair down in soothing motions, causing you to relax into him ever so slightly. “Because I’m fucking stupid, okay?” His answer earned another whimper from you, and he felt your chest begin to rise and fall rapidly as you began to cry once more. “Hey, hey, hey, listen, okay?” Hugging your body tighter to his own, he closed his own eyes for a moment as he rested his head on top of yours, trying to find the perfect answer, if one even existed. “Ive never exactly had a real girlfriend before.” His words were hushed now that you had begun to calm down again. “And as awkward and nerdy as it sounds, I’ve kind of been watching those videos for years and I just, I dont know.” He wished there was a better way to describe it, a way that you could understand. But he also knew that the reason it probably hurt you so much was because you couldn’t understand. At the end of the day, you weren’t a man. “It almost becomes, like a habit, you know? Like a part of your life.”

You tried to calm down, you really did. But the way he seemed to half-ass his explanations only served to anger you further, and you felt your boiling pot of emotions bubble up inside you and spill over the edge once more. A strange led cry left your mouth before you continued. “Whatever, Denki.” Trying to wriggle yourself out of his grasp, you found your anger growing each time he tried to stop your exit. “Then thats it I cant do this anymo-“

“____!” Kaminari yelled, his voice just as hurt as your own. His face was a mess by this point as well, you noted. At least the bastard felt bad enough to cry. “____…dont leave me.” He squeaked out, voice barely above a whisper. You tried to pull your wrist from his grasp but he held on tightly. “Please.”

Taking in a shaky breath, you closed your eyes, trying to level your emotions enough to think. “You need to understand,” every word left quieter than the last, “how much this hurts me, Kaminari.” Your eyes were pleading with him, big and emotional. “I just dont think I can do it forever. Compete with them.” Another single, solitary tear rolled down your cheek before you added, “I dont want to.”

“Aw, ____.” Kaminaris hand reached to smooth his thumb over your cheek soothingly, and he was relieved to see you lean into his touch. However, he had never seen you so vulnerable before, and that was what scared him the most. He never wanted to see you hurt this bad, and he certainly never thought it would be because of something he did. “You’re not competing with them. You have to understand that its not like that.”

But his words did little other than upset you further, and you scoffed at his comment. “Whatever it ‘is like’, I dont care, Denki.” Taking in another deep breath, you took his hand in yours. “You either need to figure out a way to stop, or at least be diligent enough to make sure I never see that shit on your phone again! Or I swear to god-“

“Dont worry,” he said through a sniffle, and now it was his turn to wipe his nose. “I-I won’t ever let you down again, ____.” An ugly cry escaped his throat as he pulled you into a tight hug once more. “You mean everything to me.” Then, taking his hands and placing them on either side of your face, you were met with the adoration in his eyes, along with flooded relief as he realized the true weight of his situation wasn’t as bad as he originally thought. “I promise, I wont fuck it up again.”

Closing your eyes, you relished in the feeling of his hand against your cheek, and felt your body finally, completely, relax into his own. “You better not, because I really love you, Denki Kaminari.”

“I love you too, ____.”

#denki kaminari #my hero academy fanfiction #my hero imagines #bnha fanfiction #boku no hero acedamia #kaminari x you #kaminari x y/n #bnha kaminari #kaminari angst #denki fluff #denki imagine #my hero fluff

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glitchphotography · 1 year

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Writing a short addendum of action steps to my “You Don’t Hate AI Art, You Hate Capitalism” essay that I posted yesterday and including some AI photographs made with DALLE2 of Capybaras helping a union drive. These outputs were all based off of original photos I took of Capybaras in Ipaussu, Sao Paulo, in 2019. Let’s start with some advice for illustrators and commercial artists who are worried about AI ruining their lives.

UNIONIZE YOUR WORKPLACE! Seriously, your bosses are the ones out to get you, not the AIs or AI artists. Unions are the best way to prevent outsourcing to AIs.

UNIONIZE WITH OTHER FREELANCERS! This is harder to accomplish, but freelancer unions do exist and there should be more of them. (Side note: many artists who will be affected have the privilege to work in highly gatekept cultural industries that, in the US, discriminate against POC, immigrants, Queer people, Disabled people, etc. They are also mostly based in the Global North and they don’t hire many experimental new media artists, so keep in mind, this aint my battle lol)

Opt-out of Stable Diffusion V3! If your work is showing up on the “Have I been Trained“ website, you can opt out of future AI model releases through this link: https://haveibeentrained.com/

Learn about new media histories and experimental processes! The art world is changing fast and visual arts don’t all revolve around representational illustration and commercial imaging. Expanding your craft is a matter of adaptation and survival. We new media artists have been messing with AIs for almost a decade now and this whole hysteria makes a lot of you sound brand new.

Train AI models using your own works and let everyone make derivatives. This is the classic “dont beat em, join em” approach and I think it’s awesome. It makes you seem generous and not like some boomer screaming “muh copyrights” into the void. Here’s a tutorial on how to train Stable Diffusion on your own set of images .

Now for some broad structural solutions, because these calls for AI Art Bans are giving strong “Disco Sucks” vibes:

AI’s should be treated as public infrastructure and thereby socialized or nationalized. No private company should own AI systems or vectors of information. AIs should be open source and free for all to learn and use.

Commercial applications of AIs should be strictly regulated. Not just because biases and misuse of sexualized images are rampant, but because private ownership of AI will lead to more socio-economic inequalities.

Generative Image AI Services should be paying royalties to artists. If you want your favorite illustrator to get those royalties, go pressure OpenAI and MidJourney directly. They have records of all their prompts and are making bank. What people don’t know is that when these services came out, they had atrocious licensing restrictions where they owned the prompts and images AI Artists were creating, but community pressure made them cave in. Now AI Artists own the outputs while granting a nonexclusive license to the AI corps (much how social media platforms operate).

Finally here’s some advice for digital artists working with AI:

Artists should fully disclose if their works include AI-generated imagery, especially if it’s the main visual. Many exhibiting artists use terms like “Collaboration with AI” to describe their art and that’s a good practice, because it really is a collaboration with a computer. (Side note: China is making it a law that all AI-generated media have a watermark or disclaimer and I think that’s a fair approach).

Artists should attribute the other artists they reference in their prompts, especially if they are relying on a living, working artist’s aesthetic for their output. Many AI Artists will mash-up several references, like cyberpunk + lisa frank + ansel adams + raphael painting, and tho i personally wouldnt fault an artist for not disclosing these references, since they are all canonical, I think its commendable for AI Artists to share their prompts along with their visual work.

It is unethical to take raw outputs based off of a single living, working artist and in order to commercialize a whole unattributed series of derivative works based off their aesthetic. But I think there are caveats if you are working within a legitimate conceptual framework and you attribute the artist you referenced. Also if you are remixing your artistic reference in your own workflow, you are protected by Fair Use and that’s ok. The best way to tell the difference if someone is using AI in unethical ways is to consider that person’s entire body of work. Are they appropriating in an interesting way? Is there a concept or politics behind their appropriation? Is AI Art all they seem to do? Art history has been driven by appropriation and that’s not going to change.

Consider whether your AI Art punches up or punches down! Sure, go ahead and rip off the damien hirsts and jeff koons of the world. But if you are a white dude making japonaiserie or chinoiserie, or outputs based off of Black hip-hop culture, you should reconsider your approach. That FKN Meka thing is a perfect example of white guy owners creating a fake AI rapper using lyrics ghostwritten by Black rappers. That shit is gross and evil. Keep in mind that evaluating cultural appropriation requires an understanding of colonialism and racial capitalism.

#ai art #ai art debate #ai artist #dalle2 #ai art is not art

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st5lker · 6 months

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the fear comes less in the fact that ai will "replace" artists and definitely not that its "stealing" from them (dall e 3's original generative abilities in particular makes an extremely good example of the fact that diffusion algorithms were never about "cutting and pasting parts from different artists" like people pretend it was and more about a statistical assumption of what should and should not be in an image) because i do believe that corporations will always exploit artists for a profit and artists will always continue to exist and thrive in spite of that thats just kind of how its worked since the beginning of time really and even if corporations have a new "tool" to do it with ai would have to get far more advanced in order for that to be a real possibility (and also, far less resource intensive - a lot of people might not realize that for a company to run these types of algorithms on their own software/servers to replace artists than just hiring an artist LOL. dall e 3 probably takes 10 times the computing power of something like stable diffusion especially since it relies on LLM integration). like, corporations want strict control over the way everything looks in terms of graphic design and art, the only ones who dont care are tiny lazy ripoff type companies that make bootleg shit like that little mermaid by the asylum LOL. so if a corporation was going to use a hypothetical future ai with extreme control in order to save time on say, a graphic design rather than spending the time in adobe illustrator making it by hand, they would still have to hire a graphic designer with graphic design sense to actually use that ai LOL. anyways jesus christ i forgot the point of the first sentence of this paragraph what i was going to say was that my fear is mostly in the fact that inevitably even if it takes a long time there's going to be an open-source competitor that either matches or exceeds the capabilities of dall-e 3 made by somebody without a lot of ethical restraint (just like the original stable diffusion was to dall-e 2) and while generally open sourceness is good i do think thats going to have a lot of fallout in terms of the lack of censorship and control considering how realistic, consistent, and easy to direct dall e 3 is. it'll also just increase the whole phenomenon of looking at something and being forced to wonder "wait is that ai or real?" a million times worse. it's not that i think the development of this ai (in general) is a bad thing, but i do think that we're going to have to prepare in advance for how much everything is going to change because of it, in the same way we never really saw coming the consequences of the shift to smartphones in the 2010s and how much that changed literally all of world culture and politics

#sorry like i was saying i do indeed have a long running ai hyperfixation

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infinitycutter · 11 months

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i really like your posts about clothes and designers and fashion. i dont know much but i like learning things from you & think you have good taste. i wanted to ask you about buying from mercari japan. im in the USA and i use that version of mercari all the time but id love to shop mercari japan. however im intimidated by the language barrier and what shipping would entail. do you use a proxy shopping service? if so any recs? & do you have other tips in general for navigating / using mercari japan? i want to thank you very much if you choose to answer ^_^

hehe im happy you like my posts and aesthetic taste i just post what inspires + interests me ^_^

I’m also in the US, and I use a proxy! In fact, I literally just got my haul two days ago!! Most people go for buyee, but they’re overpriced so I go for Neokyo. I’ve used japanese shopping sites for almost a decade + I learned some japanese when I was like. an 11 year old weeaboo so I can easily navigate through these websites—BUT— what’s cool w/ neokyo and some other websites is that they p much have their own user interfaces in english, so having to go through the japanese websites isn’t really necessary(with some caveats). And worst comes to worst, you can use browser extensions /apps that directly translate the website for you, so everything is easier to navigate. im not sponsored by neokyo btw, but compared to other sites like japonica or buyee, they have the lowest rates, and often have promotions that take off the service fee in the first place. Most sites are pretty self explanatory and will have tutorials in case you get stuck.

ok so here’s some tips for shopping on japanese websites that im just gonna put just in case someone else asks me in the future so i can redirect them to this post lol

1) KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.

It will make your life INCREDIBLY helpful if you are looking for a specific brand or designer, as well as the article of clothing you want in the first place. Having this specificity in mind can help you buy less in general too, and will help you get something that you’ll really want and keep. That aside, each website will have different filters to sort through stuff and one of them will be brand name, so that can help you parse through junk posts of people posting old zara when you’re looking for old Helmut Lang.

2) DO YOUR RESEARCH.

If you are looking for a specific style in mind, such as mori kei, karasu zoku, jirai kei, etc. there will be specific brands that cater(ed) for that style alone. most of the time, the information will be available on google. for designers, doing some digging on their different sublabels and aliases will be really helpful for digging for hidden gems. for example, one of my favorite brands, Undercover, has multiple sublabels, diffusion lines, names, etc. that you can search it under, such as: JONIO, ZAMIANG, AFFA, etc. Sometimes, you’ll get people knowledgeable about the brand and will put the brand filter on the item, but sometimes, people will pick up an item and will not know anything about the garment’s source or designer. Having that precursory knowledge lets you take advantage of people selling insanely rare items for insanely cheap prices because they’re clueless about it lol.

3) IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE LOOKING FOR, BE LESS SPECIFIC.

The point that I made from earlier that certain brands will kind of spearhead a certain genre of clothing is very helpful if you’re looking for other brands/designers/clothes that go for the same aesthetic. For example, the brand Trove has become synonymous with the Mori Boy style, and many people use that for search visibility. It’s annoying for me when I was specifically looking to buy trove, but it helped me learn about some other designers like nonnative, yaeca, and margaret howell.

4) IGNORE SIZE LABELS, USE GARMENT MEASUREMENTS*.

As none of us truly have the luxury of trying things online, knowing correct fit is hard. So save yourself the hassle and disappointment by literally just taking measurement of your body + clothes that you like, to get a gauge of whether or not the thing would fit you. Most sellers are kind enough to provide measurements, but sometimes, they don’t. This is where research and experience comes into play. For example, Takahiromiyashita theSoloist’s pants always goes a size down, meaning that a size 30 trouser will most likely be a size 27/28. This knowledge will only come after getting a general sense of the brand itself, so having a bit of brand loyalty and knowledge can pay off.

5) GO FOR JAPANESE DESIGNERS.

A lot of these brands tank in value, especially as they become forgotten and the trends have moved past. It’s sad for them, but it’s great for me. My mori kei wardrobe only cost around $300 ish, with the most expensive one being a $150 Yohji Yamamoto pour Homme runway cardigan. But mostly it was cheap clothes on mercari that I was able to buy for less than $30 max.

6)KNOW THAT THIS ISN’T LIKE SHOPPING ON SHEIN/ZARA/SSENSE/ETC. AND THIS WILL TAKE TIME.

Unlike regular websites where you can literally buy what you want at any time, it takes can take weeks, months, or even years to scope out what you want to buy. However, being more fluent in browsing thru these websites can help you score insane deals for things you’d see marked high in the west. I regularly buy rare undercover for insanely low prices, just because I toil in the mercari japan mines frequently.

7)THE MORE YOU BUY, THE BETTER IT GETS.

Your rates for shipping will get better the heavier your parcel is. Meaning that it’s better for you to buy more in one time, rather than buying only one garment. Yes, this spurs even more consumerism, but whatever lol

8) Saddest one of all, this entire thing will be easier the skinnier you are.

This isn’t fatphobia; it’s the fact that most of the clothes you’ll wanna buy are in Asian sizing, meaning that most of it will be incredibly small. Even I, as a US Men’s Small, can barely fit into a lot of Japanese clothes due to my big ass shoulders. Luckily, there are some ways to circumvent it, including going to styles/brands that incorporate a lot of oversized stuff, like Doublet, Yohji, or Balmung. Recently, some brands also offer plus size options available, but it requires you to buy new.

Okay it took longer than expected, but I hope this is helpful for the anon and anyone else who reads it! :D

#ask #long post #jp haul

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icedteasandparliaments · 7 months

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Rant: Love life, story, troubles, venting, need advice

This is a long rant, but something that has really been consuming me. Its about a guy I like, and I desperately need some advice. It is a pretty interesting read, so if you have the time to, please read or share.

So there’s this guy. Let’s call him James. We’ve known each other for two years, and we were both in open relationships when we met. Nothing happened, we just hung out, met up at bars, were affectionate (pecks and some light cuddling). I did ask if he wanted to get fully undressed once while we were cuddled up and about to sleep, and he said no (I dont exactly remember the phrasing), so we just kissed and went to sleep, and I left it at that.

Anyway, this past May we were both at EDC. My bf was with me on Friday and went back to LA Saturday morning. James and I unfortunately didn’t get the chance to meet up inside the festival on Saturday, but I met up with him Sunday evening before the festival started. He was about to head back to LA in a few hours, and his roommate was going to end up there by himself. I obviously invited his roommate to tag along with us since he needed a ride too.

We get to the festival, and his roommate tells me that James thinks I am really special, and that I should really go for it with him. I was confused, as I didn’t really feel that from him and I was beginning to see us as friends. Oh, and we were both still in the same relationships I mentioned earlier.

A few months go by, and my bf and I are arguing all the time. I know he cares about me and loves me so deeply, and would do anything for me, but it is clear now that we are not very compatible. We see things very differently, and we argue about the dumbest shit (he’s the instigator, as he’s OCD and insecure, and the fact that I am so laid back actually upsets him further so I was at a loss, as even my tools of diffusion, talking calmly, trying to use reason and logic, would upset him even more)

Towards the end of July, I could feel my depression coming back. My bf and I get into yet another argument, and my energy felt so depleted. I fully withdrew - emotionally, mentally, physically. The next few weeks were tumultuous to say the least. Another major argument followed by the end of August. I ask for a break, to which his response was “that’s a break up with extra steps. If you’re already there we should just break up.” … and so we do.

2 days later, James texts and invites me to a pool party at his friend’s place. I really needed a change of scenery, and I haven’t seen him in a few months. I drove up to his place and we drove another hour to his friend’s place. We talked and laughed the whole drive up, and right before we get there he tells me he called it off with his boyfriend, and I tell him the same happened with me. I felt an energy shift, but that was that.

We get to the pool party, and he introduces me to his friends. It turns out, I spoke with one of the hosts on grindr so many times, and we just never met up (he lives an hour away, lol). We didn’t realize it at the time, and it’s not relevant to this story I just thought it was a funny coincidence.

The party was more-so a gathering, as we were just around 10 people. I was getting to know them throughout the party, and I don’t remember spending much alone time with James. I really hit it off with one the guests though (much older and ruggedly handsome), and we ‘snuck off’ for a bit to make out. We left about an hour later, and James drove me back to his place. We saw an episode of Ted Lasso. He got up when it was over and said he was going to shower, and I could crash on the couch (I think that’s what he said, I was pretty tipsy). I said I should probably head back and I gave him a quick kiss good night and left.

Another week goes by, and I hit him up first. We made plans to drive up to Tahoe with my friends but a storm came and we cancelled. He travelled to see his family instead. I waited until he came back and texted him first again, which is when he invited me to an overnight gay event in the woods. I wasn’t going to go, especially since my bf and I had talked and said we’ll do the break instead of a breakup. Friday night passed, and he calls me Saturday morning asking me to come for the last night of the event. He got me a ticket and a place to stay, so I didn’t really have an excuse. I went, and I am so glad I did because it was a very magical night to say the least, and we were really vibing with each other. I met some more of his friends, but I was now mindful of the fact that what we have going on might be more than a friendship. I wanted to shoot my shot and let him know I am starting to like him, but more on that later.

He was truly the life of the party. He befriended everyone. He’s so sweet and special, and his energy is truly infectious. I started feeling myself blush and getting butterflies when his attention was directed my way (which it was for most of the night). He is just so charismatic. During a show that night, we were cuddled up and holding hands the entire time. His head was resting on my shoulders as he hugged me and wrapped his legs around mine. It felt amazing. We go back to the cabin, and he jokingly says that we should date (in front of his friends) after celebrating that he’s single. We ended up on different substances that day, and so were on different wavelengths.

The party picked up throughout the night, and I start to back out of telling him I like him. Just as I was texting that to a friend, I see that he’s kissing someone else. I shrugged it off and went back into the crowd to dance. He finds me 20-30 mins later, says he’s been looking for me, grabs me and we start making out. It felt surreal (I am sure it was the drugs too, and the fact that I wasn’t really knowing whether to expect that). He came up to me another hour later and asked if I was hitting it off with a guy I was talking to, to which I replied that it wasn’t sexual. He then said not to worry, and that he’s very easy, and we made out again. I saw him kiss two other guys that night, and back and forth we went. It started feeling like we were just special friends, and I began to accept that by the end of the night. I finally gave some attention back to a cute guy that’s been checking me out all day.

James and his friend (our cabin mate), the cute guy I just met, and I started walking towards the afterparty. The cute guy asks me how I know James, and I stuttered before saying “we’ve known each other for 2 years … and I guess we’ve been friends ever since.” A few minutes later, I turn around and see that James and his friend went in another direction (presumably to check out an orgy), so I just texted him to check up and said ill be at the afterparty. He said he was just in and out and it wasn’t his vibe, but I didn’t see him at the afterparty for a while (it was small, and so super hard to miss).

So the cute guy and I go to the afterparty, with the trippiest music, bohemian decorations in an indoor/outdoor space with blankets, pillows, and super cuddly vibes. He pulled out some Ketamine and asks if I want some. I am very used to psychedelics, but I have never tried K, and it was honestly the perfect setup for it. I tried to get a hold of James, but he didn’t respond. The K hit me fast, and I immediately wanted to lie down and cuddle up. I lied down and the cute guy started spooning me. I look up and see James, call him and he just says hi and that he’s looking for other people. I said okay and lied back down. He was within earshot most of the time, but I was too out of it to actually hear anything besides his voice. He came up to me before he was heading out, knelt down and kissed me. “Good night babe, Ill see you back in the cabin.”

I got up a few mins later and told the guy I should head back too as to not wake them up. I go back to the cabin, and he asks why I didnt bring the guy back and jokingly said he’d be down to watch. I just laughed and went to sleep. I debated asking if he wants to cuddle, but we were in bunk beds and he fell asleep really quickly, and I also felt odd about having just cuddled up with someone else. The next morning as I was heading to the bathroom, he saw me getting up and reached his hand out to hold mine as I was passing through. I gave him a quick kiss good bye, and I drove back home.

A couple of days later, I hit him up again, and ask him out to a show that upcoming Friday with my friends under the guise of “an extra ticket”, especially since he had gotten one for me the weekend prior. He said yes, but I started feeling sick that day. I later tested and I had COVID. I called to let him know, and that Friday would be my 5th day. He said he doesn’t mind and would still like to go if I am feeling fine. I was still really tired, but I really wanted to see him. I was planning to have my mask on all day, but he asked me to take it off after we sat down “so he could see my face”.

We had a really great time, and even snuck into much better seats (they weren’t taken), so we ended up spending the entire concert by ourselves w/out my friends. We took a little bit of mushrooms, and we were so intimate all night (his arm around me, holding hands, slightly squeezing my butt, my arm was wrapped around his thigh, my head on his side (he was sitting on top of the chair while I was fully seated, so he was significantly higher most of the time. I am pretty sure he saw me visibly blush a couple of times but I really tried to hide it for some reason, I didnt want to come off too strong …). The show ends, and he asks if I want to go out to a gay bar. I was so tired and just wanted to cuddle up and smoke a bowl and watch tv, but I said yes only because I wanted to spend some more time with him.

Before going, we decided to check in with my friends and quickly met up with them at the bar they were at. My friend’s coworker (a woman) was so into him, and after telling her he was gay she wanted to set him up with her husband’s brother. She asked if he was seeing anyone, and he stuttered before saying he’s here with me. When she asked if we were dating he said that we’re just friends and we both recently got out of a relationship (this conversation was relayed to me by a friend). Anyway, we leave 30 mins later and go to the gay bar.

We order drinks and food, and he was hitting it up with some cute guy for a bit while our order came (which is fine). We went to see a drag show and he again put his arm around me. My friends came an hour or so later, but one of them was too drunk so I went to meet them outside. My car was already at my friend’s place, and I wasn’t going to kiss James anyway seeing as its just my 5th day still. I waited for him to come out, hugged him good night, walked him to his car, and went back home with my friends.

He asks me to let him know when I get home, and I can physically feel the butterflies in my stomach. I feel like I am falling for this guy fast, and it is starting to scare me. I don’t know what we are, or where this is headed, and whether he’s even emotionally available. I seem to always be hitting him up first, and he’s so different in person than he is over text (one word responses, never initiates, feels like its a chore, only calls me “babe” and says I am really cute when we are together in person). Even when I say “hey babe”, his response back is “hey” or “hey you” … which is 🤦🏽‍♂️. Then he keeps inviting me to places and agreeing to go places with me, so I am really not sure what’s going on.

We made plans to spend 4 back-to-back weekends together starting a month from now. Yes, FOUR. It seems like we’ve confirmed on 3 so far, with one being tentative, but that’s still really significant. The last weekend is an out of town trip. I figured id just lay back for a while and let my emotions process. Out of sheer curiosity, I go online to check the compatibility of a Pisces-Pisces relationship. It was … SCARILY on point. This is what I found:

“At first glance, two Pisces representatives might become a perfect couple, but when we scratch beneath the surface, we might see that they have real trouble getting close to each other. Their sex life can be magical, but in many cases they will not even get to the physical contact, keeping their relationship senselessly platonic.”

“Trust is a very difficult subject when two Pisces representatives begin a romantic relationship. Their main problem is in the fact that they know each other too well. They can both recognize their own unstable and unreliable nature in their partner, so instead of building trust and changing them both for the better, they will easily get caught in a circle of attempts to be honest and dishonest, without the need for their flaky nature to change. The best way for them to create a safe and trustful atmosphere is in a lot of meaningful communication that they both usually find obsolete.”

“Although they will share their dreams with one another, and probably inspire each other in many ways, it will be difficult for them to have discussions on ongoing things in their lives. They will both have their own image of what is important for their partner to know about them. It is a good thing they will have such a strong feeling on each other’s point, because they would probably never meet each other at all if there was no emotional connection between them.”

“They will have a tendency not to move from a certain point, both of them intensely focused on the idea of love, rather than actual activities. This will easily lead them to a place where there is really nothing else to share and talk about especially if they don’t share the same group of friends, or have other joined activities that they can discuss on a daily basis.”

“When they fall in love, this is a fairytale romance and their emotional contact is something that no other sign can reach. Two of the representatives of Venus’ exaltation in the same relationship, are love multiplied. Their tenderness and the way they nurture their emotions toward each other, will be a true inspiration for everyone around them. There is no better partner to understand the emotional nature of a Pisces partner, than another Pisces. Their mutable quality will show through emotional changes and apparent inconsistency, but in truth, they will know exactly when to separate and when to be together in order for their love to remain exciting and beautiful.”

I truly wanted to just let it be and go with the flow, but I am worried that we are both taking the same exact approach, and we will just be stuck in this will-they won’t-they forever. Honestly, all I want to know is whether this is just a friendship or if there’s something more, and if he’s willing to explore things emotionally. I am at such a loss because I don’t want to keep texting him first either, and I am a little worried still that he sees me the same way I see all my friends-with-benefits (hot men whose company I enjoy and who I care about, but nothing more).

Should I just wait and see what happens over our next few outings? The last weekend of the 4 is an out of town trip (with friends). Do I tell him then, or before? Or just let it be? I am just torturing myself here. Can someone please offer some advice? (He is 11 years older in his mid 30s if that makes any difference).

What the hell should I do and how do I handle this? He already knows I think he is super cute (to which his response is always “so are you, so sexy”). He already saw me staring into him a few times and saw me blush when he caught me. The way I smile and look at him would give me away to anyone else. I also kept noticing him looking at me from the corner of my eye during the concert. He also just got out of a relationship, and said he’s young and wants to enjoy his life without the confines of a relationship. We’ve been friends for two years but we’ve never had sex … Why is he so confusing? 😭 please help. What would you do in this situation?

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carmenpeach · 1 year

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i love shadow 05 so much i honestly felt like it was the most fully realized gamecube sonic game in terms of controls. i know ppl call it slippery, but what i really loved was how they finally fixed rails. it was a small thing but rails made the last acts of sa2 kind of unplayable my first go around, and i love heroes esp rail canyon but they could still be inconsistent sometimes . and i love the choose your ending thing, bc you literally can skip the annoying objectives on replays unlike heroes. i would just always do neutral westopolis (can do in under 2 min maybe even under 1 min) and get to the ending i want from the stage after that. of course i played every stage objective once though

EXACTLY

sometimes i feel like im the only person out here that likes slippery controls lol but omg exactly with the rails. i always hated doing any rail grinding in sa2 hell on earth. the in game animation is so nice with the squash n stretch especially in jumping and kicking its so smooth. ive also been enjoying switching missions constantly in levels to see how shadow/ companions react with the question mark info, that alone lends a lot to how each character sees things. like in westopolis when you come across a fire sonic is like "hey man if you fuck that up you get awesome blue points but if you break shit you get epic red points for cool powers" and doom is "dont fuck with that pay attention to killing rn" but with shadow he just looks at it and is like "should i put the fire out..?" like it shows how differently the companions view the mission in either their support/ disapproval/ neutrality on mission aspects, and so far it seems shadow just objectively looks at his options.

i really do think shadow 2005 shows off the characters really well cause of how much in game interaction there is rather than just cut scenes. i also love westopolis and the ark levels, i like levels that involve hunting down enemies so im the target audience of it

i also love being able to use firearms and weapons on top of his natural abilities and im so glad the firearms lock onto enemies pretty consistently. not to mention the great pre rendered cutscenes. i wish sonic games stuck with the pointy plastic looking models from shadow and heroes era

and i love also too how some missions can be skipped like the fucking bomb diffuser knuckles mission is too hard for me cause im really bad at time limit levels so it's like sorry knuckles u get to blow up lol also obsessed with the music in it i love listening to the ost. cant beleive they got rob zombie

hes out here having the most insane day of his life and i love it

#ask #anon

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handweavers · 2 years

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Please tell me ur hair routine !!

(i babble on way too much about hair in this, my deepest condolences i don't expect anyone to read all that smh)

i'm not good with like Disciplined routines in any sense like whether it's hair care or skin care or working or anything i need a lot of flexibility and it needs to be intuitive, ie my actions are dependent on how i'm feeling and what it feels like my hair needs at that time rather than any kind of strict regimen.

i also dislike the idea of using a million different products, i've tried those complicated curly hair routines and i find that for my hair specifically the difference between my hair when ive followed a routine really closely vs when i don't isn't significant enough to justify the money and effort. my hair is also very fine, i have a lot of hair but it's fine so it's easily weighed down by products so the less i put in my hair the better and the less often i have to wash it with shampoo lol

- i use a sulfate free, gentle shampoo meant for curly hair (nothing expensive) and use only enough to clean my scalp and let the shampoo clean my ends as i rinse it out

- i then use a Lot of conditioner (a super moisturizing one that's also silicone free and meant for curly hair), like enough that my hair feels completely soaked through with conditioner and greasy, and let that soak for a few minutes. when I wash it out i don't rinse it really intensely, just a light rinse so some of it stays in my hair for moisture

- sometimes i'll put a dollop of strong curly hair gel on my hair while it's still completely wet in the shower and massage it into my hair, sometimes i dont. depends if i care that much or i feel like my hair needs it (really depends on the humidity in the air, in dry winter months i'll use gel to give it a boost but in the humid summer i don't bother) putting it in my hair when it's completely wet helps with getting an even coverage, avoiding crunchy hair, and the water dilutes it

- i don't use towels on my hair, just cotton t-shirts and i'm careful to scrunch my curls with the towel rather than rub my hair really aggressively. sometimes i'll leave it wrapped in the t-shirt for a bit it doesn't matter

- i don't really brush my hair, just finger comb it especially when wet. i'll use a comb or brush to lightly brush my ends or the under part of my hair or fix my part, but i avoid brushing as much as i can. my hair looks and feels better without it. i just let my hair air dry, i don't use a diffuser i can't be fucked tbh and my hair is healthier that way. i have a mousse for curly hair, i use it occasionally but like the gel it's more of a winter thing

- i only wash my hair every 3-4 days, depending on the pollution in the air and sweat and how my hair looks and feels (i shower daily lol sometimes more bc of brain reasons, but i dont wash my hair nearly as often. this is what I mean by intuitive, i wash my hair as often as it feels necessary based on how my hair feels and looks, not on a schedule)

- sometimes i'll give my hair a boost between washes by co-washing a few days after i washed it, and then i only have to use shampoo like once a week. i find a few days after i wash my hair it gets frizzy and not oily, it needs more moisture, so co-washing helps and that way i use less shampoo. i used to have dry scalp all the time and my scalp feels a lot better now and i don't have flakes at all anymore and my hair feels so much better. i go through a lot more bottles of conditioner than shampoo though

#long post

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cerealmonster15 · 2 years

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wait jamil/azul/riddle? 👀 im intrigued

fjjkfdasjkdfjkljkldfjklkljd yes i felt compelled to meme them,, bc i love them,,,

listen [takes ur face in my hands] LISTEN TO ME!!! i just think theyre NEAT!!! i'll yell under the cut in Detail bc ill probably get Rambly

so. unless youre new here i probs dont need to explain the jamil/azul part LOL [but i mean... i WILL.... i CAN... im always locked and loaded to scream about those two l o l jfdlks] [gestures to second half of book 4 and a few scenes early book 5] [gestures to jamils lab coat vignette + azuls PE vignette] [gestures to jamils masterchef/cullinary crucible vignette which isnt in engtwst yet] [gestures to a brief but really funny scene in book 6] [gestures to a brief scene in floyd's ceremony robes vignette] god when will jamil be a buddy for one of azuls cards [it's floyd that buddys azuls PE card even tho hes not in that story lol]. WHEN will they have a duo SSR attack. i will lose my mind the day that they do, mark my words.

riddle/azul is something ive lowkey always liked but it's grown a lot more recently. riddle honestly is just SO funny with any of the fish trio kldsjf. but like, he and azul are each other's dorm outfit card duo partner, and wayyyy back in the prologue theyre the ones that team up and chase grim down when he's running loose. they both respect each other's skills/intellect, like im p sure in that prologue when someone was like "oh riddle good work with grim" he was like "no, that was due to azuls quick thinking" [or maybe azul said it about riddle, idr lol]

and, i wont get into details/spoilers since neither of these are out in engtwst, but the second halloween event and book 6 both showed that riddle and azul see each other as rivals / respect each other, but also love to bully each other kjlfsdjklfjkdslfjdsj. got there are so many good moments between them in those stories. they spend a lot of time together in book 6 especially, so that's had them on my mind again more often, and i cant wait to play them when they reach engtwst :'D

and then jamil/riddle kinda have that 'no nonsense' vibe about them. like on one hand, i know jamil expressed empathy with trey once [a vignette story but i forget which one - treys ceremony robes MAYBE?] bc the two of them have housewardens that are a handful LOL rip riddle, BUT!!! there's also a vignette [pulls out my phone actually i cant remember which one LOL]

ok yea i was right lmao , riddle's PE uniform story has jamil like "oh hi, thanks riddle for babysitting kalim" and riddles like "no problem, you deserve a break sometimes" [rip kalim who's just like :D???? huh???] anyway also rereading that reminded me that jamil also in that one manages to diffuse the situation of riddle almost getting mad at kalim, by shutting kalim up and being like "hey riddle since youre so good at flying can you. do that. can u show us right now please" and then he does and kalim and jamil are like "damn hes real good at flying" and it's CUTE!! i mean, calculated moves on jamils part l o l but i still think it's sweet he's acknowledging riddles skill and had the ability to handle riddle's temper pretty smoothly.

ALSO riddle and jamil both bicker with azul a lot and i just think that's a funny thing they have in common fkdljfdklsj i love joking with people that theyre the anti fish alliance, two Red Dorm Boys that are Bothered By Fish Boys. and YET. it'd be cute if they held hands with fish boys 😌 and each other 😌 jkldfsfjl

ALSO!!!!!!!!!!!! i am pppppretty sure it's been said in a few different instances that octavinelle and scarabia, and possibly one or both of them + with heartslabyul, are like test score rivals usually. riddle himself i believe is like top of his year in every academic subject or something. azul and jamil are also shown and stated to be Very Smart as well, and i just want the three of them to be rivals so bad post book 4 when jamil is Unleashed lol.

also riddle and jamil are just 2 of my top 5 fave characters in twst SO. i think about them a lot. begrudgingly azuls probably also in the top 10 with the tweels bc theyre funny 😒😔😤but im mad about it LOL. god. i did not like the fish boys at all when i started twst but theyre just so fucking funny all the time. and i do love comedic potential so the fact that jamil and riddle are 2 characters that Get Annoyed with azul is Very Funny for me. i think they should unionize in their polycule jkfldfjsdlkj

okay okay okay im gonna stop here or else i will keep adding things Forever BYE!!!!!!!!!!

#ASKS #free range to talk about my blorbos hanging out hell yea sign me up

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flockofdoves · 2 years

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today went a lot better than yesterday for the most part! it became an absolute disaster right at the end though with trying to get them to change back into their clothes in the locker rooms after swimming (yesterday had just used the bathrooms near our home room and that went fine but the combo of them thinking the locker rooms were cool and so many forgetting part of their dry clothing downstairs and the gendered lockerrooms being on opposite sides of the hallway made it so much. but the directors told us to use them now so. well see lol)

i think a lot of it going well did not have all that much to do with solving some of the biggest issues we had the first day (although i def found some small things that helped) though because i think they were just really excited we went outside to play with water balloons and then after lunch went outside to go to the playground and it was a nice day

still could notice the issue of kids saying every group game sounds boring without knowing anything about it and then just sitting off in the corner of the room and then theres not enough kids to play the original game and when we try to switch to one that works the kids just got excited about the first one and so then they might go off on their own too so then its just free play which is fine for a while but then kids get bored that theres nothing to do but dont want to do anything we try to start to fix that. but just didnt have quite as much of that because we went outside (which even the process of just leaving and coming back eats up so much time instead of constant new games lol)

so of course i want to try to go outside at least for one game each day when weather permits (and maybe theyll be more excited to have more outdoor time and also less likely to have locker room issues and also ill have to come up with less to do when the local outdoor pool they usually use twice a day is fixed so we arent using the middle schools pool were based in thats only available in the afternoon) but also who knows if theyll eventually get kinda tired of the novelty of going outside (although i think it at least somewhat helps bc in organized outdoor activities theyre more likely to try them bc they cant just walk to the corner of the room to color instead so they actually try the games and realize they enjoy them) so i also want to make sure to go to other rooms in the middle school we can use to mix things up more and limit diffusion of group activities. but also i think even in those contexts i want to better find a balance between picking the right battles. bc of course like if a couple kids really arent feeling it and are quietly coloring then thats harmless. but a lot of times not participating in group activities means doing a whole bunch of stuff everywhere and making it really hard for counselors to make sure all kids are safe and in the room (but also like even then its probably harmless to the kid but hard on us which is kinda hard to explain to them). so idk maybe ill have a guideline to at least try out activities before deciding whether or not you want to do them (i really respect their likes and dislikes and would emphasize constructive criticism about activities they try out but i do think this is a big part of it considering stuff like how yesterday a girl told her friend during free play that she wouldnt play uno with her because she hates it and then like 10 minutes later to someone else asking something about uno she said shes never played it before and doesnt know anything about what its like or how to play it) or a guideline that during certain times esp when theres less counselors, you either join the group game or draw/write/color quietly at the table right near by but no other active games or wandering. it makes me feel so strict though :(

i also do think maybe i just need to become a more theatrical person so i can get better at selling activities though lol. they got a bit more excited about activities i literally tried to start with them just by one of the directors projecting his voice more and acting a bit more goofy

it really makes me realize the difference in skills with this stuff. i think i do great when theres a decent amount of counselors during free play and i start engaging with kids in small groups playing. the kid i babysat from age 2-8 loved me and always told her parents how much fun she had. but that was play guided by her where i would listen to her and do whatever she wanted as long as it was safe while also proposing new options without forcing them. having like 2 adults to a group of 15 seven year olds makes it really hard toapproach things that way. part of that might be that kids are only just beginning to learn how to be considerate of others in certain ways, part of that might be i need to learn better ways of listening to all of the kids and incorporating that into what we do in a way that largely works out, but i also think part of that is just like maybe were kinda understaffed and also id be curious to learn more about the pedagogy of all this stuff. i think theres so much value in kids being in larger groups interacting with each other but the weird types of control that come with having relatively few adults guiding that both for safety in general but also maybe a lot of just like. liability when we are strangers to these childrens parents providing childcare for a job under capitalism is like. really weird to confront. i feel like a cop but i literally dont know a better way of navigating that aspect of everything within these parameters. curious to see what it could look like in a better world

#cpost

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waajidah · 2 years

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i love my natural hair <3

fair warning this is a long post, so im putting a read more. feel free to just move on lol. i love my natural hair. keep scrolling !

ive been really settling into a routine with my hair. i wash it twice a week n diffuse blow dry it, and then i clarify every 6wk or so. my biggest advice to anyone new to their natural hair journey is to get okay with shrinkage. get okay with not doing length checks. get okay with how ur hair looks when its not stretched out. get okay with it in its naturalest state. so much of our world is trying to tear our hair down(ive been denied jobs bc of my hair, for example) so its important to have full confidence in it.

another piece of advice is i would say dont put things like castor oil or shea butter in ur hair. i know the 30 day hair detox is a bigger thing on youtube than it is here, but ive been doing this since i first went natural years ago, and the reason for it is bc it is much, much harder to wash out than we think it is.

also wash n gos are a bit of a scam, if u dont have styling product in ur hair like gel or foam mousse you will be ok :) i personally dont use gel at all and i only use mousse when i need my hair to dry really fast or im doing a style besides just wearing my hair out. i dont do twist outs or braid outs (i tried both once and never again; im too lazy for all of that, and i look like a bowl of rotini in a twist out lol) i literally just wear my hair shrunken with no product. and it brings me a lot of joy. i think that we believe that we are free from eurocentrism bc we stopped relaxing our hair. but that is not true. having a negative attitude abt ur hair or constantly manipulating it to make it seem to have a looser texture than it has is still eurocentric ideals rearing their ugly head.

i'll tell u the products/tools that i use: so for my typical wash day, i use the mielle pomegranate and honey moisturising shampoo. it gives me a lot of lather and helps me release tangles. then, i use the kinky curly knot today leave in, as a conditioner. (i dont use leave ins bc they make my hair feel oddly mushy) after rinsing that out i blow dry it w my remington dryer and the diffuser attachment. and thats it:)

and then for a clarifying day i use the kinky curly come clean shampoo to clarify(it says its a moisturising shampoo but it leaves my hair squeaking lol), then the kinky curly leave in, and then i condition my hair again with the mielle white peony leave in. i dont like this product as much, so once i finish my current bottle, i'll get a different conditioner to double condition with. then i blow dry my hair and thats it:)

i want to get some sectioning clips and the felicia leatherwood brush to detangle my hair. i would get a plastic set of sectioning clips for detangling usage and then a metal set for styling purposes. i want to do those little bobby pin things like this:

but i cant use actual bobby pins bc my hair is way too thick and i keep breaking them. ok thats everything, have a nice day

i dont know what hair type i have; i dont use the andre walker or LOIS systems at all. i dont really care what my hair type is tbh. im not posting a pic bc i dont want u lads in my comments trying to tell me what my curl pattern is. my decision to not know is a deliberate choice :)

#natural hair #longest post ive ever made lol #felicia leatherwood #mielle organics #kinky curly #afro hair #black person

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kdipshit · 1 year

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Learning still ;

Do we manually turn on focused mode when talking about focused vs. diffuse mode? And is that why I’m always ‘bored’ coz Im always in diffuse mode? Focus is a difficult thing to learn, and yes I think I have to learn everything from the beginning, I need to know the laws I need to keep balance, the laws of life…. How my brain works, how I think, how I feel my emotions, how I process thoughts, all of that, needs to be learnt, and I can’t learn properly without first being in focus mode, the gathering mode, recieval mode, information is just pouring in, its not until we get to use our diffuse move where we turn around and place the info into the subcategories of your brain, organising and making sense of the information. One just doesn’t seem possible without the other. So I have to learn how to use these mods in order to actually learn anything.

My brain feels like its a lot of the info I’m storing is hoarded, or in the wrong places. So I’m at a point where I’m tying to reorganise my brain, gather info from myself, and renovate my head space. Its the least I could do hehe.

I can’t waste my days trying to find the meaning in everything, I can see the bigger picture and get a change to clean my lense while I’m at it, the meaning is productivity. If youre doing, there is always meaning. Ugh idk serial killers might read that and think I’m on their side I’m just rambling and probably talking to only a specific few….

Dont regret a single choice, even if your regret it, like if you decided to have a cone even tho you’re running low and you didn’t really need it, don’t regret those small choices, learn to accept your choice as they come naturally, you can learn to change them once you get to know them, you might even find our exactly why you make some decisions that may not be there best, but you do them anyways. I make choices every single day that I’m not exactly proud of, but they’re MY choices, an extension on ME, so ill fan love the shit out of them until they start acting right, I know they’re wrong, some bigger than others, some effects others, but they’re mind and I own them. i can tell you why I would do some of the bad things, give you all the reasons in the world, convince you, but it will still be burning in the bottom of my stomach.

What I’m trying to say is, I am okay with exactly who I am right now. My goals are reachable, I can see the person I want to become, and I can see how to get there, right now I am working on my actions, starting with my reactions. I can say all the fun things I want, but to live by my own word. That is the mani right there, its the changing who I am, and accepting the best version of myself. It may be hard and I may feel like I don’t even want it, but its a trick and I better keep going.

I am so happy to get some of this shit off my mind, its like I’m unravelling a chord filled with life from my brain, and just translating everything and putting it on paper, so I can read it. Writing every day has been such an escape, I love writing. I could do this shit all day, lol, well I could do this shit all day when I’m in this this mood I guess lol, I could actually write in almost any mood, even my I don’t wanna write moods, I can write in any mood.

The bad definitely outweighs the good, by bad feelings about writing : ‘I don’t want to write’… my good feelings about writing : it literally gives me life, its allowing my should to be expressed, I feel open and connected to my body, I feel like I’m learning so much, I just love the feeling of writing taking me away.

I always find comfort in the 1 bad thought, and then it consumes me. Sometimes all I can think about is not wanting to write. I guess I don’t want to be proactive lol, I’m learning a lot now, though. So its been easier to come to the keyboard. Easier to be proactive, easier to not feel guilt after zoning out, for I’m just in diffuse mode, no need to yank it back into focus mode, there is no rush. I feel peace here.

Writing helps me to construct my sentences, I kind of get muddled up trying to make sentence out loud. Helps my thought process slow down so I can see wtf I’m actually thinking about. I didn’t know I had a problem with living In my head, when I looked around and noticed I barely even look after myself, everything is an effort, and I had no hobbies, but so much fkn shit around me. Its time to clean this hoarding mess I’ve kept in my head, and live with the world. You think you the only one who doesn’t get to do the mani? Nah girl… up you get.

I think I learn by learning what is it not. Like how I just learn how to focus properly because I learnt what it actually is, focused mode is tunnel vision, I know what focused is because I know what its opposite is, diffuse. I know and understand the opposite because I know and understand focus. Do I make sense? Well I make sense to me, in a way that actually freaks me out, I’m like my own teacher, philosophy ? Girl idk.

I feel like I just need to slow it down, the thinking, just slow it down. Stop thinking about thinking. BE. Seperate your body from your thoughts , they’re not even there.

I can’t wait to fall in love again, with the right person. I love so vibrantly and beautifully and I can’t wait to be able to express that again. Until then, I will practice by loving myself in that same vibrant way. I want to give myself everything that I can, all my time, my attention, my love, my gifting, my home, my safe place. If I could dig deeper in my subconscious.. where would I go?

#blogging #new blog #mental health #actually bipolar #actually borderline #mental instability #actually bpd #original post #original writing #original words #sewersidal

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mtsainthelens · 1 year

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You're really sharing stable diffusion images and saying they're aliens. Lemme guess. You read David Icke and may or may not be an antisemite

lol. asshole. anti-semitic david icke reader is a fucking tautology and i dont play that shit. i got excited cause it looked like *the* image resurfaced.

(context)

i used to have it saved to my computer but it broke. yes its a meme but it meant something. to me. i dont even believe in that fuckin picture but i like how everyone acts like it has memetic kill effects

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the-learning-bri · 2 years

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I missed a day.

Which i guess means i’ve been on some type of roll.

So shoutout to missing a yes.

Yesterday was good.

8.9/10.

Started off a bit slow with a the slightest so most irritable of headaches and not being able to fall back asleep.

I diffused my lemon scent and read The handmaids tale and eventually knocked out for some hours.

•

Woke up with some urgency around 1:20 because i told cam i would get his bike to Milford.

It wouldn’t fit in cj so i walked it down the hill and rode ot to the next hill and walked it up the hill and rode it up milford then mostly walked ot up washington then rode it the parking lot.

I locked it to fence, correctly but incorrectly lol. The lock was facing out but it got the job done.

I walked back like it was 2015 with my 2017 book bag and Big Sean in my ears.

I brought the recycling bin up the driveway and was geeeted by mommy eating McDonalds french fries out her truck.

I hadn’t eaten anything really and that 20 minute journey took me out more than I’d ever want to admit. I had barely drank water.

I laid on the floor not drinking fiji and not eating famous amos until i did. Then i stretched my hips and watched RuPauls drag race with Z.

I said hi and thank you to Ms. Aunt Felicia. I smelled — of cologne?

She encouraged me not to go back to Pizza Hut and that I should strengthen my skills. She said everybodys looking for “coders”.

My dad said i wont do any “programming” over the summer and its challenge accepted.

I’d be lying if I said me coming back and cleaning my desk of wasnt highly motivated by this.

Now i’m really considering something part time that has to do with my field. She said to not go backwards. And to be fair i cant be swe stale for 4 months.

•

Z directed me through puttin my hair in an actual bun. It was cool. I had to use a split head band to get it all up and a regular one doubled-over to hold the actual hair like the bun shape. Imagine you’re making a n you want it to be tight. Bring your hand closer. THERE. It’s like a rolling a blunt. Some of it can fall out and you’ll stuff it in later. That’s why that looks like that. When you double a headband you want it to sit on top of itself. Okay now tuck the ones on the right side. Your right. Okay now pull the front down some. Okay niceeeee. 360. You have a couple sticking up in the back. Okay perfect :) How do you feel :) Do you like it :)

It took all of my patience and then some. I’ve never known how to do my hair. But the end result was cool once i was done whining. It lasted all night and into the morning. And looked like a bun that I would think was pulled up in 87 seconds. Maybe I’ll get there on day.

•

I got Diarra and me Chipotle. I learned I dont know any of the toppings. They didnt have veggies. I forgot the sauce. I saw them take it out but didnt see them not put it in the bag.

When I had went in it wasn’t raining. It was pouring when I came back out.

There are cameras on 83 and the rain followed me. But not fast enough.

We rolled up. There was some distillate in a syringe. It was cherry pie? We got halfway through before a necessary break on my end. We killed the chipotle and watched sports we didnt know existed. World chase tag. Flyball. Some type of foot volleyball. Dodgeball. Swamp soccer. Handboarding.

Chipotle was murdered in between there. And my blunt was resparked. I ate some of my graduation treat and most likely overstayed my welcome by like 15 minutes.

We got slurpies on the house and parted ways.

•

Once back home I got a pomodoro app and used it to kick me off but then only looked back once. I made a good amount of progress and the desk is workable and now I can really contemplate the futon and its placement if it even has a place up here.

I fell asleep under my gray blanket at the other end of the bed.

Overall great day.

•

Today I plan to go the pop up shop. Send Z a package with not everything I wanted. But things can come and go in parts i suppose. Help Uncle Allen make a facebook and organize some of his t shirts. Overall seems like a fulfilling day already.

I need to drink more water than yesterday. I want to keep cleaning up. Drink a smoothie. Do some stretching. Do some programming. Keep reading. Yesterday I started the courage to be disliked and its told in a nice narrative fashion. Get back to writing. Maybe some more camera research. Make a list of people for thank you cards. Keep listening to music. Kendrick drop yesterday and there are maybe 4 songs I haven’t heard.

As of right now, I’m feeling good. Will probably get up around noon. Maybe sooner, nothing later.

•

My girlfriends stirring is peaceful. It’s present. It’s familiar.

•

TDAIL : Evening is from about 17:00 - 20:00.

YIL: How to put a bun in my hair and that handboarding is only with one hand.

05/14/22 10:50

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