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#i’ve been abandoned by every single person i’ve ever called a friend and that is so gut-wrenchingly sad to me
pixelmensupremacy · 1 year
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May i request a DBH fic? The moment they realized they fell in love with reader. May i request Gavin and the RK bros
A/N: Honestly, I don't why it took me so long to get this out. Either way that's an interesting request, Nonny! Here's my take on the dbh boys realizing they have feelings for the reader.
Warnings: GN!reader, it's implied that reader is shorter, pretty much fluffy stuff, not proof read
Gavin
Being his snarky self, Gavin would be jokingly flirty at first not thinking much of it
Until he began sensing a warmth every time (Y/N) laughed at his silly jokes and sarcastic comments
Before he knew it, he was always spending his free time with (Y/N)
Going into the breakroom, whenever he noticed they were there
Greeting them every morning with a genuine smile on his face
Vibrant morning sunrays hit (Y/N) skin as walked into the building of the Detroit police department. It was quiet except for the usual sound of mouse clicks and the occasional phone ring. A bright smile curled the corners of their lips at the sight of their partner Gavin Reed.
"Morning, Reed!" Enthusiasm was evident in their voice; his attention was immediately anchored to them and their face, which he found absolutely adorable. Affected by their happy expression, he couldn't help but smile back at them.
"Somebody call the cops because it’s got to be illegal to look that good!" He eyed the from head to toe, causing them to shyly look away.
Interestingly enough, it was the colleagues at the department that noticed the change first
His longing to constantly be in (Y/N)'s company was obvious to everyone else but Gavin and (Y/N)
Happy to finally see Gavin break character and soften, his colleagues would tease him every once in a while
While on the other hand (Y/N) would get overwhelmed with questions such as "Did you put him under a spell?"
I feel like Gavin will distance himself once he realizes that his feelings toward (Y/N) are more than just a silly crush
Progressively he will grow colder to (Y/N)
He would find himself in a rabbit hole of repressed emotions and anxieties, connected to his past, which will ultimately lead to avoiding (Y/N)
Hurt and confused, (Y/N) wouldn't give up on reaching out to him but with little to no success
Until they give up, which in return pains Gavin even more
Suddenly he will have to deal not only with the fear of abandonment but also the consequences of said fear taking over him
I like to imagine Hank will be quick to notice the distance formed between the two and will talk to Gavin
Knowing him since his rookie days, Hank is one of the few people who know quite a lot about Gavin, which helps him in advising the detective
Eventually, thanks to Hank's help, Gavin will be able to realize that by avoiding his problems he made things worse
He will want to apologize to (Y/N) for hurting them
“I know I’ve been a total ass the past few weeks, but maybe I can make it up to you. (Y/N) silently gaze at him as if they weren’t sure if this was a dream or reality.
“There’s new restaurant down the block and I thought maybe..” He went on all the while studying their face. “Maybe we could check it out?”
Much to his delight, they agree
The two have the time of their life, catching up like nothing ever happened
And even getting closer
“So,” He spoke up, hot puffs of air escaping his mouth. “Are we even?”
(Y/N) swayed back and forth on their feet, overdoing the time it took them to answer.
“I’m afraid a single date won’t be enough, Reed.” Their hand reached for his neck, bringing his face closer to theirs; their lips touched his in a soft and delicate kiss that left him wanting more.
“Your wish is my command.” (Y/N) giggled, causing a warmth to spread in his chest, despite the cold of the November night.
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Markus
Markus is definitely the type of person, who looks for a friend first and a lover second
So, I expect him to fall for (Y/N) after they have gotten to know each other
His feelings for them will slowly but surely progress into a sensation he's never felt before
Even if the thought of (Y/N) wouldn't leave his mind, he would be reluctant to share that with them
Or at least not verbally
Being the altruist he is, his love language would be one of service
Anyway he could, he would help
Standing on their tippy toes, (Y/N) struggled to reach the contents of the top shelf; even the chair they were standing on seemed to not help much. Passing by the kitchen, Markus’ attention was caught by the creaking of the chair and (Y/N)’s puffs and quiet curses. With a puzzled expression, he walked up to them and took a glance at what they were doing.
Reaching with a hand near theirs, he took a hold of a box of cereal; electrical shock ran through (Y/N)’s entire body at the slight brush of his cold skin against theirs.
“Is this what you were looking for?” They nodded as they got down.
“Yeah, thanks.” (Y/N)  took the box with a bright smile on their face that caused his circuits to malfunction, resulting in LED lighting up in a vibrant amber color.
Though he will eventually come to realize that his desire to help (Y/N) exceeded past just his typical friendly behavior
He desired to be by their side at all times
He will absolutely melt if (Y/N) were to compliment him
The enchanting melody filled the space, alluring (Y/N) the source of the sound. Letting the music take over them, their steps were in perfect sync with the rhythm of the song; it almost felt as if time stopped and they have found themselves in a wonderland- one they couldn’t imagine even in their wildest dreams.
The volume grew louder so did the effect of the melody upon (Y/N); seeing a door, they weren’t surprised to see Markus sat before the piano. His slender fingers stroked the snow-white keys, the impact of his firm, yet delicate, touch made for a captivating melody akin to the song of a siren that drew in sailors in the dead of night.
Much like a sailor, bewitched by a magnificent siren, (Y/N) stood and watched as his composition tingled their every sense. Not long after did Markus sense their presence; startled by their sudden appearance, he stopped playing.
“Why did you stop?” Disappointment was written in their expression.
“I didn’t expect to have an audience.” He made a reply in a bashful manner, his colorful eyes avoiding theirs.
“I love it when you play the piano.” (Y/N) began as they neared him. “No matter how many times I hear you play it’s never the same. It’s truly fascinating.” There was a spark in their eyes as they spoke that caused a tingling sensation to occur in his thirium pump. Was he malfunctioning?
Markus will definitely confess once the revolution is successful and he feels safe enough to have another person in his life
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Connor
He's completely oblivious
Never in his short life did he expect to feel let alone fall in love
So, he's very confused when he experiences system malfunctions in (Y/N)'s presence
He constantly runs system checks only to get confused when the results show no apparent errors
Despite being a prototype, created to unravel complicated cases with ease, it takes him some time to figure out it's (Y/N) that causes these malfunctions
Of course, not without Hank's help
Enamored by the enigma surrounding them, Connor couldn’t help but stare at them and wonder: why they caused such reactions in him. Coincidently or not, Hank had noticed Connor’s lack of focus on his tasks; following the direction of his gaze, the man had found the reason.
“You know it’s rude to stare right? Or that isn’t in your damn program?” Hank got straight to the point but Connor seemed clueless, for he gave him a puzzled look. The man let out a sigh of disappointment.
“Look, I know you got something towards (Y/N) and you better go talk to them.”
“But I-“
“Trust me. They like you too.” Silently, Connor looked at his partner, processing what he had said. “Come on! Don’t waste your chance.” He urged the android on.
Connor will get flustered if (Y/N) were to compliment him
“Good morning!” (Y/N) greeted; their voice akin to a bell rang in Connor’s ears.
“Mornin’, kid” Hank mumbled under his nose, not quite returning their excitement.
“You’re here early!” They stared in awe.
“Yeah, thanks to him.” He pointed to Connor, who shyly waved his hand; (Y/N) smiled.
“Good job, Connor! Even if I wanted, I wouldn’t be able to bring Hank here before noon.” They joked, causing the lieutenant to laugh, meanwhile, Connor’s cheeks got blue, dusted with deep shades of blue, and amber hues danced on his LED.
If it came to physical touch Connor would probably shut down from how many system errors he gets
Much like in Markus' case, I think Connor will be confident in his emotions after the revolution when he becomes a deviant
It may take him a bit longer to fully grasp the experience of having feelings
Though he will get used to it with some guidance
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Sixty
Just like Gavin, Sixty will be flirty but mostly with someone, who reflects the same energy
He may be a bit too daring at times, openly flirting without any shame whatsoever
Heading towards the breakroom with their partner beside them, (Y/N) was eager to get their morning coffee, though it seemed Sixty had other plans.
"Is your phone in your back pocket? Because your ass is calling me." With him being close by their side, his voice- barely above a whisper- caused shivers to run down their spine.
“Haha very funny, Sixty.” They sarcastically laughed, in hopes of hiding the excitement that grew within them.
“You know I’m always at your service.” He winked at them as he opened the door for them.
It may take him a lot longer to get attached and even longer to acknowledge his feelings
He would definitely test (Y/N)'s loyalty for him to fully trust them
Being Connor's successor and the android that almost caused the downfall of the revolution, Sixty is battling his past
An awkward silence had settled upon the two; worried, (Y/N) glanced at Sixty though his blank expression didn’t aid them in understanding what was going on.
“Is everything alright, Sixty?” Their voice were calm and quiet, loud enough only for him to hear; his brown eyes stared back at theirs. A puff of air escaped past his lips.
“It’s none of your concern.” He cut them off, bitterness was evident in his voice.
So, he will fall for someone, who accepts him for who he is and helps him in forgiving himself
His path to deviancy will be turbulent, filled with an explosion of repressed emotions Sixty is forced to deal with
But by being by his side, (Y/N) cloud build a bridge to his heart
The moment he realizes he is head over heels for (Y/N) is when he lets his guard down
When the playful facade crumbles down and what is left is a person, fighting to be accepted and forgiven
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Nines
Out of all of the boys, it will take Nines the most time to catch feelings
Being the most advanced android in the world, Nines is less prone to deviancy
Not only it takes him more time to feel emotions but to also acknowledge and accept them
So, romance with Nines is close to nonexistent until deviancy
Though there still would sign in his behavior that indicate a crack in his system
With all of his advances, I feel Nines would want to use his assets for good
And working at DPD gives him such an opportunity
Upon meeting (Y/N) he wouldn't sense anything right away
Though as they work together and get accustomed to each other, Nines will slowly change
His curiosity will grow, resulting in asking (Y/N) questions outside their field of work
Yet what draws Nines in is their tolerance
They never pressure him to open up or to talk when he doesn't want to
It just occurs naturaly
“Detective, may I ask you something?” Nines’ icy blue irises bore into theirs.
“Of course, go ahead.” (Y/N) took a sip of their drink.
“Why did you join the force?” A smear of genuine curiosity was evident behind his enigmatic gaze.
“Well,” A smile curled the corners of their lips as the memories flooded in. “I guess you could say I just want to help people.” Their gaze met his. “What about you?”
He stayed silent for a few moments; bright yellow circled across his light-emitting diode.
“I suppose we have common motives.” He danced around the question, yet they didn’t question him any further.
I feel like a life-or-death situation may bring his feelings to the surface
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rottedbrainz · 11 months
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Ok so originally I was just gonna do this with the four main fellas, but I found myself adding in more character dynamics so...forgive me?
Tibbs belongs to me. Caled, Terri, and Mick belong to @palettepainter. And Gabe belongs to @posies-and-bundles
Bonus characters under the cut!! :D
Some of the quotes were edited to fit the characters or dynamic. Sorry if some of them are out of character.
*Tibbs helping Mick out after they get injured, while the others are watching*
Gerald: How does Mick look?
Gabe: A little better than you, actually.
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Gerald, watching the news: Someone tried to fight a squid at the aquarium today!
Mick: *walks in covered with ink* Well, maybe the squid was being a dick.
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Tibbs: Whaddya call a fish with no eye?
Gabe, not looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Tibbs:
Tibbs: fsh
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Gerald: Dammit, Tibbs!
Tibbs: What?! It wasn’t me!
Gerald: Sorry, force of habit. Dammit, Mick!
Mick: Not me either.
Gerald: Oh...Then who set the house on fire?
Gabe: *whistles*
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Tibbs: There is no future. there is no past. do you see? Time is simultaneous, an intricately structured jewel that humans insist on viewing one edge at a time, when the whole design is visible in every facet.
Mick:
Gabe:
Gerald:
Everyone Else At Person A’s Surprise Birthday Party:
Mick: All I asked was if you wanted to cut your birthday cake first.
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Gabe: Okay, help me please!
Gerald: Got two words for you.
Mick: I bet they won't be helpful.
Gerald: Your problem.
Mick: I was right
Gabe, talking to Zoot on the phone: Did you preheat the oven like I told you to?
Baby Zoot: You bet!
Gabe: At what temperature?
Baby Zoot: 535.
Gabe: That's the clock.
Baby Zoot:
Gabe:
Baby Zoot: 536.
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Tibbs: You love me, right, Caleb?
Caleb: Normally, I’d say yes without hesitation, but I feel like this is going somewhere and I don’t like it.
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Terri: Name a more iconic duo than my crippling fear of abandonment and my anxiety. I'll wait.
Tibbs: You and me!!!
Terri, tearing up: Okay.
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Janice: I've already sent good vibes your way… they’re coming. There’s nothing you can do to stop them.
Tibbs: This is the most threatening way I’ve ever been cheered up.
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Caleb: *Walking in to a room* Sorry I’m late... I was... doing things.
*Sounds of running footsteps progressively getting louder*
Lips: *Out of breath* THEY PUSHED ME DOWN THE FUCKIN’ STAIRS.
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Mick: How's the sexiest person here~?
Terri: I don't know, how are they~?
Mick, flustered: I-
Tibbs, from across the room: I'm doing great, thanks!
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Terri: I was arrested for being too cool.
Tina: The charges were dropped due to a lack of supporting evidence.
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Terri: What the fuck is wrong with you?!
Mick: Wow, you could start with a 'good morning'.
Terri: Good morning. What the fuck is wrong with you?!
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Gerald: Tina, keep an eye on Floyd today. They're going to say something to the wrong person and get punched.
Tina: Sure, I’d love to see Floyd get punched.
Gerald: Try again.
Tina, sighing: I will stop Floyd from getting punched.
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Mick: Come on, I wasn’t that drunk last night.
Gabe: You were flirting with Terri.
Mick: So what? She's my wife.
Gabe: You asked her if she was single.
Mick:
Gabe: And then you cried when she said she wasn't.
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Janice: Dad, I'm sad.
Tibbs: *Holds out arms for a hug* It’s going to be okay.
Floyd: Pop, I'm sad.
Mick, nodding: mood.
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Terri: We need more help. Maybe I should call my friends.
Mick: ... Your what?
Terri: My friends.
Gabe: Are they saying “friends”?
Tibbs: I think they're being sarcastic.
Tina: No, no, no, this is delirium, they've cracked from being awake all night. Hey, Terri! All of your friends are in this room.
Terri: I have other friends! You asked me to make new friends, I made new friends! It was a task. I complete tasks.
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fanartbyherd · 1 year
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What you going to say to your door man?
-Not a joke but not serious either.
Anyways poor attempts at humor aside we have some more Mundane Horror Au art.
I probably should call it something else but hay I don’t know.
So plot: Gerry and Michel Meet in uni, and eventually become friends and more. It’s mostly a slice of life story, with stuff happening in the background, until it affects them.
World wise I’ve mentioned that the powers are common knowledge, also that powers can either take over a person or they can become a part of a person. Also mentioned that there are other powers besides fear, and that they can affect places, animals and artifacts too.
Note: the other two powers are knowledge and “love”
This time around for my not trying to rant but probably will be a rant regardless: I will talk about that and how things come to be affected in the first place.
In regards to people, as it’s the easiest to explain, there are two ways to get the powers. The first and easiest is to be born with it. This occurs when one or more of your parents have a power themselves. This is the case for Gerry. So it’s always just kind of been in his life. The second way is having a power some way affect you embryonic. Though this is very rare, and more often than not just result in certain powers being more drawn too a person. Though you also get things like the “common twin thing” that occurs. (I’ll explain that in a bit)
The second and far more prevolent way of getting a power attached to yourself (being marked or touched by a power) is too somehow stumble across a source of power in the world, and either through repeated exposure or by a single extreme event having it leave a “mark” (marks are normally invisible though not always the case)
This is the method of how Michel got his alignment to start off with.
Sum.: you can either be born with it or you can get it later on in life.
Places and occurrences:
Places are often infected with a power or another, especially if a place is gaining and retaining the energy of a power. Other times one large tragic or extraordinary event seeped into the space itself. These places rarely become domains as they stay entirely on the surface, often fading away with time. These places are often the home of smaller phenomena. Like a house with a bad vibe or a door that leads to unexpected places, normally these places are called haunted and might have echos of past events replay or have people see strange things every now and again. This will fade and this explains why there are no (or at least very few ) places haunted by dinosaurs.
Domains are small pockets of space time that are claimed by one power or an other. How large and how active any individual domain is varies, domains are a bit like gardens. They’ll probably have a “gardener” who is a resident entity up keeping a domain. Most people will not notice when they pass through a domain. Only those with their own alignment are likely to notice, those who live in it will be aware of it, and those who somehow get trapped by its limbo version.
Domains are relatively rare, with the exception three domains all known as the otherworld.
The otherworld: also called the backspace, the dreamland, or limbo. These are all technically different versions of the same thing.
- backspace: the space of the spiral, consists of all that space between spaces. Liminal in nature, natural wild and ever changing if not formed into a maze by some entity or another. It’s basically the backrooms on steroids. Things will slip into this place all the time and with ever changing hallways and wild spaces it is difficult if not impossible to get out. Not to mention there are a lot of dangerous creatures that get stuck here. Or perhaps come from here. Distortions are the masterminds of mazes. Building new ones and abandoning old ones. Sometimes domains of other powers will form in abandoned mazes, allowing people to accidentally slip into them and become stuck.
-dream land: a land of the unconscious. It’s spectacular and in most way not real. That dose not mean it is not dangerous. It has a constantly shifting landscape. And the impression of dreams and those dreaming is found here. It’s a place a few people can enter at will, and also access people’s thoughts through in some ways. It is also a place rife for spawning monsters that make their ways into the mazes and mirror plane and sometimes jumping in to the real world. It’s a place guarded over by the dreamers, mare and sandmen and the land of dreams has a strange and close relationship with the power of the end. With a smaller more distant relationship to the beholder and the knower. The land of dreams is not just a place of dreams but also of nightmares.
The land of dreams are “deeper” than the backspaces, collecting and interlocking old mazes and domains connected them into a hellish underworld for the unconscious.
-limbo: a place where lost things go. The mirror world. A shrouded empty reflection to the real world. It is not entirely as physical a space as the backspace is but it’s not as intangible as the dreamland. It is filled with echoes and can often be infiltrated by other powers, echoing what they influence in the real world. It is primarily the realm of the lonely and the navigator (a knowledge domain) ghosts are it’s only true inhabitants (ghosts = lonely avatars) as the travelers from the navigator only use it to jump through (they also use backspace like this.) this is where earth bound domains reflect what their true form is and trap it’s fuel. A domain is hard to enter inside of limbo.
Outside of the domains there are Phenomena or Occurrences. These are things that occur on occasion. I would best compare it to the weather. The way most people are familiar with any kind of power is through these phenomenon. There are seasonal ones or ones that occure every few years or so. There is even a field of study tracking the movement patterns of the different phenomena so that people do not get caught up in them.
There are phenomena like the wild hunt, that is a combination of the hunt and the slaughter and you really do not want to get caught outside in. There are waking dreams that walk streets at night. So on and so forth.
Animals:
Like In TMA proper human fears (love and knowing) are not the only things that affect the powers. But the other creatures become affected too. This can often result in monsters but just as often it dose not affect the normal life of animals.
It is worth noting that the majority of monsters are usually things that crawl out of the world of dreams or where once animals. Though generally it is from the former. Certain creatures have a very strong affinity for one power over an other and some powers are noticeable to be human exclusive (abstract thought and all of that)
Plants can also be affected by the powers.
Artifacts: now here is the most common kind of thing touched by power. Because unlike all the other things, that occurs naturally or by chance, (or by a very manipulative elderich boss) artifacts can be made.
Shure artifacts can also occur by accident, in a similar way a place gains a power. But making them with meaning only takes a good craftsman.
The most common kind of artifact are charms. They are made to keep away powers of certain kinds. Cultures all over the world make their own charms. But in order to do so they use a different power to do so. Dream catchers for example use the power of the web to keep the power of dreams and the dark away, trapping monsters or preventing them from forming in the first place. Evil eyes use the power of the beholder to keep others from knowing and keep envy and hatred away. It’s a sort of uno reverse card. And there’s a great number of talismans that seal or ward off things. Charm making is actually big business.
Other artifacts have more specific uses. A good deal of information on how to make some artifacts has been lost over the centuries, not to mention that most artifacts are made with somewhat strict regulations after the 1800s
Things like lithners are not unusual and certainly items will have certain properties. Though results are unpredictable.
Powerful entities can make artifacts. Either on purpose or by accident. in fact gerry makes one at one point, to his own distress. most of these items made by entities that are not the craftsmen, will often fly under the radar.
there are a lot of collectors of these sort of artifacts, bit of a black market for them, not always a black market. but these sort of items are a bit iffy. after all some of these can and will just kill you.
I did mention key charms in an earlier, they prevent a person from being taken while making their power stronger. it is temporary and sort of separates a person from their powers. keycharms are tenderly not accessible to the general public.
So most people don’t have them.
I guess if I had to categorize. The difference items I would diffienturate them between, what power(s) they belong too. how harmful they are (ie if they are safe or will mark a person), why they where made/who/what made them. and then how rare they are. I need to do some more work on this, but its fan fix so im kinda just going with the flow.
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iheartmisty · 11 months
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“she has everything” is probably what people think when they look at me.
look at me. I have cute & perfect outfits. i wear short shorts and try hard, brushed hair, glasses, great manners, im kind, helpful, smart, and caring. I put others first. I’m shy. I’m quiet, but observant. i’m a deep thinker. I’m in all honors classes. I’m incredible at art. I write beautiful poetry. I’m a great singer. I play guitar and piano. some might even say im pretty. I have a roof over my head, food, and money to buy whatever I’d like.
does that diminish everything I’ve been through?
how about you see me instead. listen to my real story. when I was little, I had a friend group of five. we all loved the same music, the same colours, our parents were best friends. it was perfect. ooooh but I guess we all grew up now, cause I’m left here loving them and wanting them and they’re here giving excuses to not see me. then I moved. went to a new school, met some new people. thought everybody was my friend; and everybody loved me because I was nice to them. turns out, im just stupid and clueless and people aren’t what they seem to be. I got my heart broken, twice. and it hurt a lot more than it should’ve because they both were not very nice people. they were manipulators, and haters, and apparently bullies too. I thought I was brave for confessing. twice. after covid, none of my hundreds of friends even texted back. I guess we weren’t friends. my good friends never asked me to hang out, and were somehow always busy. I got framed, cyberbullied, harassed online, rumors spread. and this didn’t happen once, but at least like 10 times. my friends didn’t care. they just left. they left me there. they added fire to the flames. now im left with attachment issues and the fear of abandonment. [insert most preposterous thing I would never do that makes 0 sense]. then I get bullied for that? oh then I tried to ask my best friend to defend me, please, and she was like “ur making my mental health worse” “im suicidal now” and starts getting her friends to bully me more and curse at me for quote on quote, “ruining her life”. I’m sorry that I wasted my time trying to help her and her relationship. I’m sorry I spent so much time on her when she did that to me. its so unfair that she gets to be posting about it and gets people wishing her and supporting her when I never got support when I was doing the same. I was bullied more if someone ever found out. i hated myself more and more. I cut myself more and more. no one noticed. no one cared. my grades slipped.
I think that’s really funny cause first of all, she lied, second of all, I love how she gets all the support in the world for her fake story of a paper cut and I was out there bleeding to death from stab wounds that would never ever heal. but its whatever. then, another one of my best friends comes over, body shames me, calls me ugly and calls me out for every single thing and made me feel more insecure than ever, and then walks out after telling people that im the one who body shamed her. oh im oh so sorry for defending you while you were getting bullied, but this is my return gift, thank you? now I cant run away from my anxiety or anxiety attacks and I’m still alone. i wish I wasn’t. I wish someone understood. I’m really not who you think I am. my friend once told me that the way i dress would give off the impression that im a “popular girl”. that I’m materialistic. that I’m shallow, and cold-hearted. maybe thats the girl ive been trying to portray. im really not materialistic, or shallow, or cold-hearted. im the opposite. maybe ive been trying to hide away and blend in the shadows. maybe ive been trying to pretend like im a pretty girl. I havent ever told anybody that. maybe part of me wishes karma would get it over with already, because they all seem to be doing better than me. I think being a good person doesn’t have many rewards, unless you keep doing it, even through this. and I will, because thats just who I am.
now lets see more about me. things someone could maybe actually love. uhh, the way i always give others the bigger half. or the cup with more water. the way I’m always smiling or maybe my favourite songs. maybe a poem I wrote about someone I love. im my favorite quotes and the colour of my room and the movies I watch. and I found people who love me for all of the above. the first impressions. the dark parts. the beautiful ones. and I hope to never let them go. i hope to never let myself go.
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wishingwell4aspiral · 6 months
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Okay so
Whoo. Very... emotional night.
So.
Tonight I finally went to my favorite person.
And set boundaries
I told him I was extremely unhappy with how I've been treated. How I've done nothing but love and care for him and all I've gotten in return was.. abandonment.
I'm going to paste the entire message I sent him in a voice message here. As this was drafted in Google docs first.
"This isn’t a message i ever thought i was gonna have to make, but, life does wild things to us, doesn’t it?
I’ve had a lot of time to think, and process, in the last few days. And I have to be honest with you, Teeter, and Unity.
I’m.. extremely upset with you.
I feel like i’ve spent the last year and a half trying to do everything I could for you. Try to be there for you emotionally, physically, in whatever ways I could. I spent a lot of time trying to do things to make you happy, and trying to make your life better.
I spent a lot of time being in love with you, and getting to witness how wonderful you are when you’re happy, and loved. And I don’t regret loving you for a second.
But I think i’ve finally come to realize that you and me.. We Don’t want the same things.
You have been my #1 priority for a year and a half. I’ve done absolutely everything to try to be there for you when you needed me, dropped shit i was working on to be there, kept an eye out for every message, every status, every picture change.
At the end of the day, I wanted a life with you. I wanted you romantically, platonically, I wanted everything. I wanted your good days, your bad days, never mattered to me if you were tired, or angry, or upset, i’ve loved you all the same, and i still do.
But I think i’ve finally come to realize that you don’t want that. Not like i do. You’ve pushed me to the side or avoided me every single time I gave you the chance to have that life. Everytime i’ve asked for something official, something solid, you were never ready.
And granted, I understand that Neon fucked you up, more than you’re willing to admit, but.
Everybody has a breaking point, and just like i said the last time we spoke, i’m tired of fighting a losing battle.
Now, I’ve removed you from Chaos Void, and i’ve left Life360, and taken you out of ABK. Because I feel like you’ve made it clear to me that you don’t actually want a relationship with me.
I do want to make it clear to you, that I love you, so much. I really do. I want absolutely nothing more than for you to find peace, you to find happiness, and you to do the things you need to, for your life to become one you enjoy, and not one you dislike.
If you believe my understanding of your feelings, or your intents, are wrong. Feel free to message me, call me. I want you to know that i’m still here for you, as a best friend, as someone for emotional support. But i’m not going to try to drive down a dead end riad.
I love you. And I hope one day you can find it within you to love yourself with the same intensity I have for you.
Best of Wishes, Dawn, aka, EnterUserNameHere.
"
.....
And his response to that?
To ghost me. And leave our friendgroup discord.
.....
So. I guess things are officially done. And he's done with me.
He can't even say a "I'm sorry" or "fuck you" or "goodbye"
....
I hate that it ends this way.
I hate that there isn't anything else I could've done.
But I tried my best. I really did.
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irises-and-daffodils · 10 months
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I read and cling to letters and books hoping they give me the comfort I need. I breakdown freely knowing that all things don’t have to end. I gave up on myself long ago and I dug a hole thinking that I didn’t want to get out of it. I thought everything and everyone would eventually give up on me as I have felt for the entirety of my life. I have motivation now even as I’m tired. I find myself clawing my way out. I am not so much of a difficult person as I thought I was. I thought I was unlovable, unworthy of love, but mostly a burden. It’s hard to live everyday because no amount of books or people can convince you when you’re blind sighted by every bad thing that happened to you. I’ve been called a pig, a bitch, arrogant all because I didn’t focus on everyone else. I realize I’m happy creating my playlists and routines. I’m happy reading as many books as I can. I’m happy learning and constantly growing. I thought I could thrive at home but honestly I can’t. I am not me. I’m breaking out of a paralyzing state. I have made mistakes and slowly I’m forgiving myself for them. I’ll admit there are moments where I don’t see the purpose of living because all I’ve seen myself as is a person that takes care of everything. I haven’t seen myself as someone worthy of it every good thing in life. When I started going out to concerts and feeling the ocean breeze in the Bay Area and Central Coast beaches I knew I loved life but I never knew how I could cope with it. Beauty torments you in ways that puzzle you. It would torment me I guess because one good taste and that’s all you could ever want for the entirety of life but also knowing it’s not always going to be there. It’s not knowing how to cope with the the fact that the meaning of my existence is not to just to serve, but truly live and love as well. I witness my parents argue. I witness everyone’s life and at one point I thought I was doomed to repeat it all. Maybe I’ll repeat one or two mistakes but I won’t make them all. I have to remind myself that all the doom and gloom comes from learning about my parents and their life and always forgetting that I have one of my own. I’m writing this because I’m really stressed. I see the ways things go down and I feel true and utter discomfort. I fear screaming, I fear my mothers anger as she always threatens to hurt me or abandon me. I fear my step dads reckless behavior as he always pushes and becomes reckless and blinded with anger and passive aggressive behavior. I fear not communicating properly with my significant other. I fear not communicating with friends. I fear not doing the right things and I’m not expecting perfection because that’s the the thing that destroyed me in the first place, but I’m expecting to push through and put myself in a better place. I will admit sometimes I do think that I am a burden and that no one wants anything to do with me. It all boils down to my parents not wanting to have to do much with me. I parented them, and knew every single problem, pity, and ounce of negative emotion. I found myself crying heavily this morning and I’m still tearing up here and there. I am really tired of feeling every negative emotion from everyone. I am still very grateful for everything and everyone but now I need to take care of myself. I need to be better for myself. I have an increasing number of nightmares as of lately. I have a bit of anxiety. I’m still growing. I’m not in a permanent position. I’m going to be a better person. I am a better person. At least I think I am.
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ivdiaries · 1 year
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So I posted this on my Twitter account minutes ago, and I want to add this but I don’t want to trauma dump on Twitter so here we go:
I know I’m not easy to be with, maybe that’s why most of my relationships - platonic or romantic, fails. But ever since I’ve decided to put my energy on myself, I tried to determine the ROOT cause of all my insecurities, abandonment, and commitment issues and ended up in one conclusion:
Because of my parents. 
I’m not totally blaming them for fucking me up in the head - but they were my first example of what love is. My first example of love is violent, abusive, full of lies and betrayal, co-dependent, and complicated. And growing up, I thought that’s love. Or at the time, I didn’t really know what that is. 
It’s kind of hard to admit that it did manifest until I grew older, especially when I started dating. When it ended, I always thought they were the problem until I digged deep and realized that I too, is just as accountable. 
Now that I think about it, I never really had a beautiful beginning with most of my exes. All of it started in the most controversial way. Like when I decided to date my ex of 4 years, who I really loved - but looking back, we met because her ex girlfriend was my friend and schoolmate. Jeez. You know the phrase, “niluwa na ng iba, kinain mo pa.” That affected me real bad all throughout.
I always knew it wasn’t right to be in a relationship with her, because still, her ex has been my friend at some point. I guess I knew I’ll always be associated to her ex in a way - but I still went through it because I thought our story would be different - I thought ours would end well because of the potential and because we’re compatible. I thought I’ll look back 50 years from now and tell it as a success story. 
But it didn’t end well. In fact, it was the WORST and most PAINFUL heartbreak I’ve ever went through last year. And until now, I’m healing from every single bit of it. 
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret anything - if I could go back just to experience it again, I would. And I wouldn’t change anything. 
Because if there’s anything I learned from that heartache, it redirected me to where I am right now. It pushed me to grow the fuck up. It helped me slowly go home to myself, find peace in myself, and love myself more.
We look for love in other people in hopes that they would fill the void, because we think this is the kind of love that we deserve. We settle for bread crumbs because that’s the love we’re all familiar with. When that shouldn’t be the case. 
I learned that love shouldn’t be hard. Love shouldn’t be complicated. Love is supposed to be easy, sure, safe, and stable. Because if it’s hard, then maybe you’re with the wrong person- and believe me, God will show you. 
The gist is, I never wanted to become like my parents - I love them a lot, and I have a lot to be grateful for. But I want to have my own version, my own story. I don’t want what they had and I don’t want what they currently have. I want to be happier and I want a relationship that is freeing, improving, nurturing, caring, and loving. In short, I want a boring but healthy and loving relationship.
We always want a love that we can call home, but most homes are dysfunctional. 
I want a love that I can call as my safe place. A place where I can finally feel safe, secure, stable, healthy, and genuinely happy. 
Love and light!
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beelwt · 2 years
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i haven’t written to you in almost a month. for good reason, actually. i found peace. i found peace and i found love for myself and most of all, i found hate. i found so much hate for you that should’ve been out a long time before. im still blocked but just for the sake of the slim chance that maybe one day you’ll read this, im gonna let you have it.
you never deserved me. i really hope that you know that. the only thing you were ever consistent with was the disrespect that you showed me. the disrespect for my time, my effort, my money, my love, and my feelings. i will never say that i was completely perfect and did nothing wrong, because i hate lying, but you can never act like i was the one who destroyed everything. i was never asking for too much from you, but yet you made me feel like i was. i could never even get you to show up on time. every single time i’d see you, i’d be waiting for hours. hours. it should’ve never been like that. i should’ve never settled for that.
do you know how many people called me stupid when i stayed by your side, when i defended you no matter what you’d done, when i went back after all the disgusting things you had said to me? every single person i know called me stupid. every single person i know hated your guts. and i can see now that they had every reason to. i spent months thinking i didn’t deserve you, i had drilled it into my mind that i didn’t. but the truth of the matter was that i always deserved so much better. i sold myself so fucking short, grasping at anything i could to hold onto you, killing myself in order to hold onto you. for what? for a couple texts a day, or maybe a chance to spend $200 to see you for five hours? you can say you tried your hardest, you can say you gave it your all, but you and i both know damn well that’s a lie. wouldn’t be the first time you lied to me, though, would it?
it’s really funny, you know, how quick you were to be at t’s side when they needed you, even if you’d been broken up forever. you spent months talking shit about them, but they have a death in the family and you’re right back up their ass again - no matter how it made me feel. but when we were broken up and i needed you, you disappeared. you said you didn’t want to abandon me, but you did exactly that, and a, you will never deserve forgiveness for the bullshit you put me through. when i needed you, whether we were together or broken up, you were never fucking there. and you can call me selfish all you want, but fact is that everything always revolved around you. everything. you somehow found a way to make my eating disorder your own issue, you somehow found a way to overshadow mine and that is absolutely fucking ridiculous. when i broke sobriety and needed you, you weren’t there. when it was the anniversary of my stepdads death and i was destroyed, you weren’t there. i don’t know why i expected you to be.
the truth of it is that you took advantage of my vulnerability, and even if you don’t see it because you think you haven’t done shit wrong, everyone i know has seen it. i don’t know how it took me this long to see it. you took advantage of how hard i love, and then stepped back when it was too much for you. you used me, and what did you gain, a? tell me, im curious.
do you know how many people were telling me i was being abused? manipulated? used? every single time i talked about what was upsetting me, or what you were doing, people would get upset that i was putting myself through that. my friends celebrated when i told them i’d sent the breakup message. and god, i really thought that i would never get over you. i really thought that i’d be searching for pieces of you everywhere but the truth is even crazier. because i find myself searching for the exact opposite of you.
i could go on and on about how evil you are. how badly you ruined me and how difficult it was to pick myself back up, but i’d be here forever. i just want you to know that i’m the happiest i’ve ever been. i love myself and i love who i am and i love that in two months i’ve become a person you don’t know and probably will never know because you don’t deserve to.
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alsjeblieft-zeg · 2 years
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179 of 2022
When was the last time you didn’t want to get out of bed?
Now. I went to sleep at midday and I don’t think it’s normal.
Do you save cards from your birthday/x-mas, etc?
I do, but these days cards are rare.
When was the last time you’ve gone shopping with a friend?
If my husband counts as friend and groceries count as shopping, then yesterday.
What is your favorite kind of salad dressing?
Like, yogurt or something? I never know.
If given the chance, would you go to Ireland?
I would, definitely.
If you’re not already, when do you plan on getting married?
I am already, so you’re too late with this question.
Is there anything that you should be doing right now?
Yeah, waking up.
Have you watched a t.v show lately that you haven’t watched in forever?
Yes, I’ve found a few episodes on YouTube. It’s a TV series I haven’t seen in 20 years or so.
Are you currently in a relationship? If so, how long have you been dating?
I’m married since this year, but we’ve been together for four years.
Do you use normal batteries or rechargeable ones?
Mostly rechargeable. In the end, it goes cheaper than buying new ones all the time.
Do strapless bras work for you?
I don’t wear bras. I don’t need them.
What was the last video game you played, if any?
I don’t play video games, my brain doesn’t handle flashing lights very well.
Out of Biology, Chemistry and Physics, which are you the best at?
Physics, but I’ve been always good at them all.
Is there a friend you can always talk to about anything?
All my friends. I wouldn’t call them friends if I didn’t trust them.
What is/or was your graduating year?
2010.
Have you had a weird dream lately?
All my dreams are weird. They consist of people and places I know, but in surreal arrangement, if that makes sense. I dream a lot about ruined/abandoned buildings and empty landscapes, too.
Do you own a pair of slippers?
No, I don’t even wear such things.
Cutting your hair extremely short, would you do it?
I shaved my head once and I have no regrets.
Do you like your nose?
I got used to it.
How soon is your birthday?
Next year.
Are you one of those people who listen to songs on repeat?
If I happen to like a song and it corresponds with my mood, then definitely yes.
Do you have piano fingers?
Like, long and thin? It’s called arachnodactyly and yeah, I do have it.
Is there a movie that makes you cry every single time you watch it?
I don’t even watch movies.
What is the first letter of the person’s name you last kissed?
Let’s say J.
Is there an accent you prefer?
Yeah, British for English-speakers and West-Flemish for Dutch speakers (I speak with West-Flemish accent myself, so yeah, lots of local patriotism here XD)
Where exactly are you right now?
In my liviong room, on the chair by the sining table, in front of my computer.
Have you ever been in a parade?
No, I don’t think so.
Would you ever consider being a news reporter?
No, talking in front of cameras is ew to me.
Do people say you look your age? Or younger or older?
Everyone says I look way younger.
When was the last time you swam in a pool?
Two years ago or something.
Do you like seafood?
No, I don’t. I’m a weird Belgian.
Why are people so afraid of bees?
Because they sting? But bees are useful and harmless if you only leave them alone.
Have you ever broken a bone?
No, I haven’t. For a person with weak joints, I have really strong bones.
What would you do if you saw someone turn completely inside out?
I’d bring popcorn and watch. I’m not easily disgusted or whatever. I even wanted to be a surgeon at some point in my life.
Where’s your cell phone?
Next to me.
Would you date the lead singer of a band?
I’d date a guy I have feelings for, and if he happened to be a lead singer of the band... well, shit happens.
What would you do if I told you you would die today?
Don’t trigger me, I’ve almost died last year.
Are you coasting on potential towards the wall?
Is this a line from a song or something?
How do you feel when you wake up next to a stranger?
Why would I even wake up next to a stranger?
Does September depress you?
No, it doesn’t. Usually.
Do you like strawberries?
Yeah I do. One of my favourite fruits.
Do you drink coffee?
I do, every day.
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milfsrok · 2 years
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Being Absolutely Perfect
i feel the need to be perfect. The perfect girlfriend, the perfect friend, the one you can tell everything to, the one that’s always there for you, who never argues, always agrees, etc. the need to never complain. to be the shoulder to cry on, no matter how much i’m carrying on my own plate.
the urge to never hurt or say anything that might bother anyone. the indescribable urge to never ever ever speak about my own problems and absorb all of theirs.
the amount of energy and effort i put into being this perfect person, this person that isn’t me, it’s insane
i realized that i do this when one time, my boyfriend told me i’ve said some things that have hurt him in the past and i had a total panic attack. all i was thinking was how i cant believe me, who’s supposed to be perfect has hurt him. “i did that?” “i’m supposed to be the good one” “i’m supposed to be his favourite” “i’m supposed to be there for him.” i was genuinely struggling to breathe, panicking because i tainted my image of being the nicest, different person
i’ve noticed this in my friendships too, i have a longing desire to be the therapist, the mom, the caretaker, the funny one.
i take care of my friend who has abandoned me several times, is a total drug addict, insults me everyday, threatens to drop me at least 50 times a week because he’s constantly high, and only calls me when he’s bored. i give him a place to stay when he doesn’t want to go home. i buy him food. i leave class to give him water when he can’t breathe. and i don’t know why i do this, it’s an instinct
and you might say
“that’s toxic you should leave”
but i won’t. i know it’s toxic but i genuinely ran out of patience and i don’t care anymore, i’ve gotten to a point where all of my relationships ever have been abusive, every single one. i’m not exaggerating. at this point, if i left everyone that’s been an asshole to me, i’d have no one left.
so i put up with it, i don’t take it personally when something bad happens to me, when someone says something horrible, because it’s become my normal. and i’m scared of being seen alone
I cant describe this urge to be just the most perfect person for everyone, to desire the feeling of equally returned love but never asking for it, im a people pleaser and i cant help it. i lie about my interests, i lie about things i’ve done, and i don’t know why
i’ve been like this for as long as i can remember
i’m becoming a secondary character in my own motion picture
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waste-0f-spacee · 3 years
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.
#i’ve been abandoned by every single person i’ve ever called a friend and that is so gut-wrenchingly sad to me#and honestly scary???#people will lie right to your face and go on with their day like it’s nothing#it terrifies me#i cannot trust a single person on this planet#everyone loves to pretend they understand mental illness when it comes to talking about it online or in reference to your favorite celebs#but when it comes to their IRL friends the same courtesy is never extended#they’ll never get it#i cant speak for other mental illnesses but i can say with absolute 100% certainty someone without BPD could never begin to understand#i will never ever forget that when you google ‘most painful mental illness’s’ BPD shows up#it’s a constant fucking fight every second of every fucking day#and people without BPD will think i’m lying or exaggerating#but ask ANYONE who actually has it and they’ll tell you what i’m telling you#all day long you’re having a fight with your brain#trying to figure out which of your emotions you can trust or which ones are just your brain making you insane#and don’t fucking get me started on the CONSTANT CONSTANT feelings of abandonment#and the constant need for validation because you convince yourself every couple minutes that everyone despises you#fuck#but then again it’s easy to feel abandoned when you literally DO get abandoned by everyone who pretends to care#like i’ve said before it’s easier to be alone in the end#because no one will ever understand and also i’ll never be able to stop being crazy or hurting those around me#my absence is a favor to all
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c-is-for-circinate · 3 years
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For a long, large part of my life, being queer in a media landscape--finding queerness in a media landscape--has meant theft.
I'm a Fandom Old, somehow, these days, older than most and younger than some, in that way that's grown associated with grumpy crotchetyness and shotguns on porches and back in my day, we had to wade through our Yahoo Groups mailing lists uphill both ways, boring and irrelevant anecdotes from Back In Those Days when homophobia clearly worked differently than it does now, probably because we weren't trying hard enough. I've seen a lot of stories through the years. I've read a lot of fanfic. (More days than not, for the past twenty years. I've read a lot of fanfic.)
When people my age start groaning and sighing at conversations about representation and queerbaiting, when we roll our eyes and drag all the old war stories out again in the face of AO3 is terrible and Not Good Enough, so often what we say is: you Young Folks Today have no idea how hard, how scary, how limiting it was to be queer anywhere Back In Those Days. Including online, maybe especially online, including in a media landscape that hated us so much more than any one you've ever known. And that is true. Always and everywhere, again and again, it's true, we remember, it's true.
We don't talk so much about the joy of it.
Online fan spaces were my very first queer communities, ever. I was thirteen, I was fourteen, I was fifteen--I was a lonely, over-precocious "gifted kid" two years too young for my grade level in an all-girls' Catholic school in the suburbs--I lived in a world where gay people were a rumor and an insult and a news story about murder. I was straight, of course, obviously, because real people were straight and anyway I was weird enough already--I couldn't be two things strange, couldn't be gay too, but--well, I could read the stories. I could feel things about that. I would have those stories to help me, a few years later, when I knew I couldn't call myself straight any more.
And those stories were theft. There was never any doubt about that. We wrote disclaimers at the top of every fic, with the specter of Anne Rice's lawyers around every corner. We hid in back-corners of the internet, places you could only find through a link from a link from a link on somebody else's recs page, being grateful for the tiny single-fandom archives when you found them, grateful for the webrings where they existed. It was theft, all of it, the stories about characters we did not own, the videotaped episodes on your best friend's VHS player, one single episode pulled off of Limewire over the course of three days.
It was theft, we knew, to even try and find ourselves in these stories to begin with. How many fics did I read in those days about two men who'd always been straight, except for each other, in this one case, when love was stronger than sexual orientation? We stole our characters away from the heterosexual lives they were destined to have. We stole them away from writers and producers and TV networks who work overtime to shower them in Babes of the Week, to pretend that queerness was never even an option. This wasn't given to us. This wasn't meant for us. This wasn't ours to have, ever, ever in the first place. But we took it anyway.
And oh, my friends, it was glorious.
We took it. We stole. And again and again, for years and years and years, we turned that theft into an art. We looked for every opening, every crack in every sidewalk where a little sprout of queerness might grow, and we claimed it for our own and we grew whole gardens. We grew so sly and so skilled with it, learning to spot the hints of oh, this could be slashy in every new show and movie to come our way. Do you see how they left these character dynamics here, unattended on the table? How ripe they are for the pocketing. Here, I'll help you carry them. We'll make off with these so-called straight boys, and we only have to look back if somebody sets out another scene we want for our own.
We were thieves, all of us, and that was fine and that was fair, because to exist as queer in the world was theft to begin with. Stolen time, stolen moments--grand larceny of the institution of marriage, breaking and entering to rob my mother's hopes for grandchildren. Every shoplifted glance at the wrong person in the locker room (and it didn't matter if we never peeked, never dared, they called us out on it anyway). Every character in every fic whose queerness became a crime against this ex-wife, that new love interest. Every time we dared steal ourselves away from the good straight partners we didn't want to date.
And: we built ourselves a den, we thieves, wallpapered in stolen images and filled to the brim with all the words we'd written ourselves. We built ourselves a home, and we filled it with joy. Every vid and art and fic, every ship, every squee. Over and over, every straight boy protagonist who abandoned all womankind for just this one exception with his straight boy protagonist partner found gay orgasms and true love at the end.
Over and over, we said: this isn't ours, this isn't meant to be ours, you did not give this to us--but we are taking it anyway. We will burglarize you for building blocks and build ourselves a palace. These stories and this place in the world is not for us, but we exist, and you can't stop us. It's ours now, full of color and noise, a thousand peoples' ideas mosaic'ed together in celebration. We made this, and it will never be just yours again. You won't ever truly get it back, no matter how many lawyers you send, not completely. We keep what we steal.
.
Things shifted over time, of course. That's good. That's to be celebrated. Nobody should have to steal to survive. It should not be a crime, should not feel like a crime, to find yourself and your space in the world.
There were always content creators who could slip a little wink in when they laid out their wares, oh what's this over here, silly me leaving this unattended where anybody could grab it, of course there might be more over by the side door if you come around the alleyway (but if anybody asks, you didn't get this from ME). We all watched Xena marry Gabrielle, in body language and between the lines. We sat around and traded theories and rumors about whether the people writing Due South knew what they were doing when they sent their buddy cops off into the frozen north alone together at the end of the show, if they'd done it on purpose, if they knew. But over the years, slowly, thankfully, the winks became less sly.
A teenage boy put his hand on another teenage boy's hand and said, you move me, and they kissed on network TV, in a prime-time show, on FOX, and the world didn't burn down. Here and there, where they wanted to, where they could without getting caught by their bosses and managers, content creators stopped subtly nudging people around the back door and started saying, "Here. This is on offer here too, on purpose. You get to have this, too."
And of course, of course that came with a whole host of problems too. Slide around to the back door but you didn't get this from me turned into it's an item on our special menu, totally legit, you've just got to ask because the boss throws a fit if we put it out front. Shopkeepers and content creators started advertising on the sly, come buy your fix here!, hiding the fine print that says you still have to take what you've purchased home and rebuild it with your semi-legal IKEA hacks. Maybe they'll consider listing that Destiel or Sterek as a full-service menu item next year. Is that Crowley/Aziraphale the real thing or is it lite?
And those problems are real and the conversations are worth having, and it's absolutely fair to be frustrated that you can't find the ship you want on sale in anything like your color and size in a vast media landscape packed full of discount hetships and fast-fashion m/f. It's fair to be angry. It's fair to be frustrated. Queerbait is a word that exists for a reason.
There's a part of me that hurts, though, every time the topic comes up. It's a confusing, bad-mannered part of me, but it's still very real. And it's not because I'm fawning for crumbs, trying to be the Good, Non-Threatening Gay. It's not that I'm scared and traumatized by the thought of what might happen if we dare raise our voices and ask for attention. (Well. Not mostly. I'll always remember being quiet and scared and fifteen, but it's been a long two decades since then. I know how to ask for a hell of a lot more now.)
It's because I remember that cozy, plush-wallpapered den of joyful thieves. I remember you keep what you steal.
Every single time--every time--when a story I love sets a couple of characters out on a low, unguarded table, perfectly placed to be pilfered on the sly and taken home and smushed together like a couple of dolls, my very first thought is always, always joy. Always, that instinct says, yay! Says, this is ours now. As soon as I go home and crawl into that pillow-fort den, my instincts say, I will surely find people already at work combing through spoils and finding new ways to combine them, new ways to make them our own. I know there's fic for that. I've already seen fic for that, and I wasn't really interested last time, but the new store display's got my brain churning, and I can't wait to see what the crew back at the hideout does with this.
Every time, that's where my brain goes. And oh, when I realize the display's put out on purpose, that somebody snuck in a legitimate special menu item, when the proprietor gives me the nod and wink and says, you don't have to come around the side, I know it's not much but here--there is so much joy and relief and hope in me from that! Oh, what we can make with these beautiful building blocks. Oh what a story we can craft from the pieces. Oh, the things we can cobble together. Look at that, this one's a little skimpy on parts but we can supplement it, this one's got a whole outline we can fill in however we want. This one technically comes semi-preassembled, and that's boring as shit and a pain to take back apart, but that's fine, we'll manage. We're artists and thieves. I bet someone's pulling out the AU saw to cut it to pieces already.
And then I get back to our den, which has moved addresses a dozen times over the years and mostly hangs out on Tumblr now (and the roof leaks and the landlord's sketchy as fuck but at least they don't charge rent, and we've made worse places our own). And I show up, ready for joy--ready for a dozen other people who saw that low-hanging fruit on that unguarded table, who got the nod and wink about the special menu item, who're ready to get so excited about this newest haul. Did you see what we picked up? The theft was so easy, practically begging to be stolen. The last owner was an idiot with no idea what to do with it. The last owner knew exactly what it could become, bless their heart, under a craftsman with more time on their hands, so they looked away on purpose at just the right time to let me take it home. I show up every time ready for our space, the place that fed me on joy and self-confidence when I was fifteen and starving. The place that taught me, yes, we are thieves, because it is RIGHT to take what we need, and the beautiful things we create are their own justification. We are thieves, and that's wonderful, because nothing is handed to us and that means we get to build our own palaces. We get to keep everything we steal.
I go home, and even knowing the world is different, my instincts and heart are waiting for that. And I walk in the door, and I look at my dash, and I glance over at twitter, and--
And people are angry, again. Angry at the slim pickings from the hidden special menu. So, so tired and angry, at once again having to steal.
And they're right to be! Sometimes (often, maybe) I think they're angry at the wrong people--more angry with the shopkeeper who offers the bite-sized sampler platter of side characters or sneaks their queer content in on the special menu than the ones who don't include it at all. But it's not wrong to be mad that Disney's once again advertising their First Gay Character only to find out it's a tiny sprinkle of a one-line extra on an otherwise straight sundae. It's not wrong to be furious at the world because you've spent your whole life needing to be a thief to survive. It's far from wrong. I'm angry about it too.
But this was my den of thieves, my chop shop, my makerspace. Growing up in fandom, I learned to pick the locks on stories and crack the safes of subtext at the very same time I learned to create. They were the same thing, the same art. We are thieves, my heart says, we are thieves, and that's what makes us better than the people we steal from. We deconstruct every time we create. We build better things out of the pieces.
And people are angry that the pre-fab materials are too hard to find, the pickings too slim, the items on sale too limited? Yes, of course they are, of course they should be--but my heart. Oh, my heart. Every single time, just a little bit, it breaks.
Of course the stories are terrible (they have always been terrible). Of course they are, but we are thieves. We steal the best parts and cobble them back together and what we make is better than it was before. The craftsman's eye that cases a story for weak points, for blank spaces, for anywhere we can fit a crowbar and pry apart this casing--that's skill and art and joy. Of course we shouldn't have to, of course we shouldn't have to, but I still love it. I still want it, crave it. I still thrill every time I see it, a story with hairline cracks that we can work open with clever hands to let the queer in.
That used to be cause for celebration, around here. I ask him to go back to the ruins of Aeor with me, two men together alone on an expedition in the frozen north, it feels like a gift. And I understand why some people take it as an insult. I understand not good enough. I understand how something can feel like a few drops of water to someone dying of thirst, like a slap in the face. If it was so easy to sneak it hidden onto the special menu, to place it on the unguarded side table for someone else to run off to, why not let it sit out front and center in the first place? I know it's frustrating. It should be. We should fight. We should always fight. I know why.
But my heart, oh, my heart. My heart only knows what it's been taught. My heart sees, this thing right here, the proprietor left it there for you with a nod and a wink because they Get It. It's not put together yet, but it's better that way anyway. It's so full of pieces to pull apart and reassemble. I bet they've got a whole mosaic wall going up at home already. We can bring it home and make it OURS, more than it was ever theirs, forget half of what it came from and grow a new garden in what remains.
And I go home to find anger, and my heart breaks instead.
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caker-baker · 3 years
Text
Of Convenience
The protagonist was sometimes asked if they were married. They would always say no. There was no point in the whole truth.
To be fair, they were young, in college, and both them and their spouse figured being married would make things just a bit easier with money.
So, marriage. Totally platonic marriage between two broke best friends that was meant to last only through the end of their schooling.
Then their spouse disappeared, and stayed disappeared for ten years.
Legally, the protagonist wasn’t even married anymore, they never lied when they said they weren’t married. How could someone be married to a presumed dead person?
Sometimes they felt guilty. All the mourning for their best friend had been done with, and they weren’t by any means in love with them in the traditional way one would love their spouse, but it never stopped the protagonist from feeling bad.
Bad about moving on with their life. Bad about this date.
But it had been ten years, and the protagonist reasoned their best friend, wherever they were, would be happy for them.
It was supposed to be at a nice place, this date. A traditionally formal restaurant, one with valets. The protagonist enjoyed that. They didn’t always have the time for nice outings.
It was also relatively public, a little ways away from the heart of the city, close enough to home in case things took a turn for the worse.
But that was just a what if. Their friend gave this blind date a glowing review.
The bad feeling still ate away at the protagonist. Not for their possibly dead spouse, but for the lack of knowing. They didn’t know this person, and sure, the goal was to get to know them, but there was no basis for anything.
Regardless, it was going to be a nice night out with a nice meal in their nice clothes. All thoughts the protagonist had to remind themselves of as they watched the valet take their car away.
The door closed behind them, and the protagonist jumped.
Online, the place looked lively, warm. This was empty, abandoned of all people.
The tables and chairs and lights were all there. Lovely centerpieces of flowers and candles decorated empty spaces. No chatter filled the room, no host stood at the front, and most notably, no date.
It was all under a second the protagonist was able to observe these factors, and took less than three to turn and push on the door that wouldn’t budge.
“It locks electronically.”
For the second time that night, the protagonist jumped.
“How wonderfully modern.” They said, not taking their hand off the door.
“Wonderfully.” The faceless voice agreed. “Wouldn’t you like to sit?”
“Actually, I think I was just about to leave.”
“What about your date?”
The protagonist turned, and nearly screamed.
They thought they could deal with a regular person in this irregular situation. However, dealing with a villain was much, much different.
“Funny enough,” the protagonist managed “I’m beginning to think they stood me up.”
“Oh?” The villain grinned, sitting slowly at one of the tables. “What makes you so sure?”
“It’s been a few minutes since the agreed upon time.”
This was wrong. Talking with a villain while waiting for help.
What help? No alarms were triggered. There’s no sign of a villain being here at all. No hero would have any clue of potential danger.
“Still.” The villain moved their eyes to the chair opposite them. “You should sit.”
At this point, the protagonist was only conscious through fear and adrenaline, so, they moved to the chair, and sat.
“Now, forgive me if I’m wrong, but aren’t you married?” The villain said, leaning forward to rest their chin in their hand.
“I-” Two more people came out then, trays in hand, and all the protagonist could do was watch as they set them down, and left wordlessly. “I- what?”
“Well,” the villain started again, lifting the lid to their tray. “I could have sworn you had a spouse. Yet here you are, waiting for a,” they sucked air in through their teeth, a harsh sign of disapproval. “date.”
“What an unlucky bastard my spouse is, huh?” The protagonist felt dizzy.
“Oh, surely.” The villain’s eyes looked as if they darkened. “I’m glad, at least, corporate life hasn’t knocked the humor out of you.”
What?
“No, just all my free time.”
“Still free enough to try for a date.” The villain looked at them with a matter of fact stare, something the protagonist had been on the receiving end of before.
It was a stare their best friend, their spouse had mastered.
It was the same stare the villain was giving them now.
It was the same eye color the protagonist used to know well.
It was…
Oh.
“There they are.” The villain - or rather, their presumed dead best friend, their spouse - looked amused, and leaned back in the chair. “I knew you were smarter than that.”
“But you-”
Oh, God.
“You vanished.” The protagonist whispered.
“And you never even looked for me.”
“Looked for you?” The protagonist repeated in disbelief.
“I’m only teasing, love. I didn’t leave a single trace. No one could have found me.”
The protagonist stood. “And now you’re a villain.”
“Mm. I prefer goal-oriented entrepreneur.”
“You’re a villain!”
“If you insist. You are really going to let the foie gras go to waste if you don’t eat.”
“You’ve been alive this whole time! You’re perfectly fine!” The protagonist sat again, lowering their voice. “We had a funeral for you. We mourned you. The police could only assume you died.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, love. I didn’t realize my disappearance would upset you so.”
The protagonist slammed their hands on the table. “You were my best friend! We got married.”
“I know, I was there.” The villain held up their hand, the old, cheap ring still on their finger. “Bringing me back to my point. Why go on a date?”
For a brief moment, the protagonist had to wonder if they were the crazy one for not seeing the villain’s side of things.
“Why was I trying to go on a date ten years after you left?” They spoke slowly, still trying to decipher if there was something strange about it.
“We both know it wasn’t just the one date. Maybe the first one in a while, but-”
“Have you been watching me?”
“No more than I need to. You’re my spouse, Protagonist.”
“It was a marriage of convenience. Neither of us really ever…and legally, no, we aren’t married. You can’t be married to a dead person.”
The villain let out a single scoff. “You’re not dead, and I’m still very much married to you.”
“That’s not-”
“Point being, Protagonist, I got tired of watching these people come in and out of your life.”
“And you get to do the exact same thing, is that it?”
“Absolutely not.” The villain scowled. “What kind of a person do you take me for anyways?”
“The kind who disappears for ten years without a call or even a postcard!”
The villain at least had the decency to look slightly embarrassed. “Touché.”
The protagonist’s tone turned less angry, and more serious. “I’ve seen you online. The news.”
“Ah.” The villain let a look of annoyance pass over their face. “Most people have, love.”
“What makes you think I wouldn’t go running to the closest person I could find to tell them about you? I know your identity now. There’s someone to find and blame for the things you’ve done.”
“I do have your car.”
Stupid valets.
“And, really, love. Do you know me? My civilian self has dropped off the face of the earth.”
The protagonist felt a chill up their spine, but the villain was just getting started.
“You also seem to be forgetting I’m the one who kept on eye on you. I know you. For better or for worse, I know you. How it’s only six blocks to home, how you visit your parents and sister every other month. She’s sixteen now, right? How you meet up with my parents every anniversary of my disappearance, and how you manage to avoid telling everyone who asks that you are indeed committed to someone.”
“What do you want?” The protagonist spat.
“Other than your company?” The villain tapped a finger to their lips in faux thought. “Now that you mention it, that cushy corporate job of yours has a hold on some valuable assets of mine. And believe me, love, it’s honestly something they wouldn’t want to get too deep in.”
“You’ve been watching me this entire time just to threaten me? Because of my job?”
“Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, love. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not threatening you. I adore your family, and I would never hurt you. You know that right?”
“Do I?”
“Mm.” The villain tilted their head to the side. “Tell you what, love. You don’t even have to do any of the corporate espionage. You just have to give me your boss’ number. I can go from there.”
The protagonist found themselves shaking.“Why are you doing this?”
“I couldn’t think of a better reason to stay in your life than to bring a little chaos.”
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lubdubsworld · 3 years
Text
The Devil’s Own.
Jungkook x OC
Mafia Au!
Warnings : Non-Con ! Manipulation, Degradation, Shitty hero with no redeeming Qualities you have been warned. ( i mean he does get better but not much.) 
Summary : Just Mob Boss Jungkook doing mob boss things. 
Chapter 1
“ Sign it. ”
I glared at him, feeling sick at the tone. The entitlement.
“No.” I said sharply and I could feel his anger swelling, morphing into something dangerous and deadly but I couldn’t care anymore. I was tired. Exhausted. This cat and mouse game had gone on , long enough. It wasn’t an even playing field, in any sense of the qword.
If today was the day I died, so be it. I would accept it. I would even welcome it.
I was done.
He had everything : an empire at his beck and call , enough money to pave the streets of Seoul in gold and an army of loyal associates behind him. His face was plastered on Billboards across the country , the President posted pictures of him on his fucking SNS and delegates from other countries had to wait weeks , just to get an appointment with the youngest billionaire South Korea had ever seen.
And yet none of those white collared dignitaries saw this side of him. The dirty, violent ruthless man who had more blood on his hands than anyone else in the country. My father’s. My brothers’.
Jeon Jungkook was both the most revered business man in the country and the undisputed king of Seoul’s criminal underbelly.
“You defiance only makes me want to break you in other ways Elena.” He said warningly and I felt my throat go dry. I stared at him, wondering how someone could look so expensively gorgeous and yet, like a hardened criminal.
The expensive silk shirt, the fitted slacks and the handmade shoes ought to clash with the dark ink that covered his entire arm and neck, the piercing on his eyebrow and the glint of metal on his tongue but it didn’t.
It just all came together to make him the most attractive man in existence.
I took a deep breath. Perhaps begging was the way to go?
“ You have my father’s company. You have my brother’s Hospital and you have the family mansion. It’s all yours. This bakery belongs to my mother. It’s all I have left of her. My sister in law is pregnant , due any day. She needs a place to stay and I don’t… I don’t have money to rent anywhere else.” I said desperately, thinking of the paltry wage I earned waiting tables. I could barely afford food for myself let alone for Jisoo and the baby on the way.
The bakery was abandoned but it had a roof. The furniture was crumbling but I could fix that. If I didn’t have to worry about rent, I could save up enough to make it livable. At least till I got a better job.
“I’ve offered you solutions for all of that.” He reminded me softly, eyes trained unblinkingly on me and I stared at him.
“I’m not going to be your whore.” I felt my voice shake.
He grimaced.
“You aren’t qualified to be my whore. And I don’t need one either. Whores are not my thing. I have a beautiful fiancée, don’t you remember? ” He grinned. I felt my heart ache because that fiancée was once my best friend. The only person I had trusted with my entire life. Lisa had betrayed my trust, had spied on my father’s operations and brought him down and I had the horrible, horrible inkling that she had also had something to do with my father and brother’s untimely death in a car crash.
But I couldn’t think about that. Every time I thought about her my heart broke and head spun, and I had to be at my maximum mental capacity if I was going to deal with her heartless fiancée.
“ If you ask me, you’re not fit for anything more than a back alley blowjob for a couple bucks. But Hoseok thinks you have potential. Join his agency, there are a lot of very wealthy men who have a bone to pick with your father. He made a shit ton of enemies. Most of them would love to fuck the defiance out of you. ”
His words felt like worms crawling all over my skin and I could feel the nausea churn inside me.
“I’m not signing the bakery over. You can call the creditors. I still have another year and half to pay the one remaining loan and they won’t come for me till then.” I felt my head begin to throb and Jungkook sighed.
“Suit yourself.” He stood up and I stayed still, watching his tall frame tower over me with ease. He gave me a small bitter smile. It was fraught with hatred and I stared back at him, knowing the emotion was probably mirrored in my gaze.
“Beautiful Elena. As pretty as the day you left me at the altar.” He smirked and I flushed.
“Your vengeance is petty and pointless and unfair…just like you.” I said angrily, frustration building u at his words. The way he talked about our broken engagement like it even mattered. It hadn’t even been real. We had hardly spoken and my father had called the wedding off at the last moment. But apparently, that had been the last straw for the Jeons. They had come after my father’s entire existence with a single minded intent to destroy him and they had succeeded. The man was dead . His two sons were dead.
But apparently it wasn’t enough.
Jungkook stared at me, slipping his hands into his pockets.
“Maybe. But it’s also deadly and potent. And it won’t rest until I see you reduced to nothing but a whore on the streets, spreading your legs for every man who can afford you.” He laughed. “ Saying no is a luxury , one that you’ll soon be unable to afford.”
I refused to be cowed, refused to give him the satisfaction of knowing that his words scared me. Because they did.
They scared me so damn much.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“This bed is so lumpy… I’m so sorry, unnie..” I said apologetically but Jisoo shook her head quickly, palms cupping my face as I held her elbows, gently lowering her to the bed. I stared at her feet, feeling my heart race at how swollen they looked. That can’t be normal, a voice whispered and
I didn’t know if that was normal and I had no money to take her to a clinic. The social center we usually went to only allowed three visits per month and we had used it all up. I wanted to throw caution to the wind and spend the thirty thousand won it would take but that would mean no groceries for a week and surely bread and eggs wouldn’t stretch that long, even if I could sneak meals in the restaurant for myself.
“I’ve been feeling a little dizzy…I’ll just sleep.” She said tiredly. She was thirty six weeks along, not due for another four weeks but her blood pressure was erratic. Her lab numbers were oscillating and there had been talks of an emergency c section. Even with insurance it was way more than I could afford but I had my own jewelry, a few expensive trinkets from my teenage years. I’d been obsessed with diamonds and my father had indulged me and I had a pair of earrings left. I’d already sold the rest but this would take care of the medical bills for the birth itself.
“My shift starts in ten minutes. I have to go. Give me a call if you need anything…” I said softly and I saw the familiar blank and listless look come into her eyes. I knew she was depressed, dealing with grief and pregnancy and loss but there was nothing I could do for her. Nothing. I had applied for a bunch of other jobs but they never wrote back. It wasn’t easy, being rejected over and over again but it wasn’t like there was much else I could do. And the truth was I was resigned to this, accepted that at some point I would have to take more loans and be stuck in an endless cycle of debt for the rest of my life.
And I had made peace with that.
There was no future for me. And I was okay with just surviving.
If only Jungkook would let me.
Apparently, watching me wipe down greasy tables and mop up floors and toilets trying to earn just enough to get a few square meals didn’t soothe his anger. It only fueled it. Jungkook couldn’t fathom that it had been six whole months of me on the streets of Seoul and I wasn’t completely destitute yet. I’d kept myself and my sister in law alive, safe and it pissed him off.
He wanted to see me broken and on my knees, begging him for help. The idea of me somehow surviving despite him taking everything away from me, it just didn’t sit well with him.
I couldn’t afford to have him as an enemy so all I could really hope was that one day he would wake up and give up. One day he would just wake up and decide that I wasn’t worth it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I walked into my shift and noticed a familiar pair of high heeled Louboutins , completely out of place in my seedy place of employment, I knew I was in trouble. Lisa sat against one of the booths and her gaze was fixated on the door which meant she was waiting for someone. And when her eyes narrowed at the sight of me, I just knew I was the someone.
She wants to get me fired.
It wasn’t rocket science and I felt the urge to turn right back around and leave.  But I tamped down on it. I could get through this. I would get through this. Lisa and Jungkook got off on invoking reactions and I wouldn’t give them that.
Except it wasn’t that easy.
It was a nightmare, watching her demand and reject and walk all over me but the sleeplessness from the past few days made spacing out easier and I just stared away at the wall as she yelled and complained and made a scene.
“You’ve stopped fighting? Finally giving up? Good…” She hissed when the manager apologized to her and told me to meet him after my shift and I felt myself tremble in indignation.
“I won’t fight you or Jungkook, you and I both know I can’t afford to.” I said quietly and she went still, something flashing in her eyes for a second. It was gone before I could fully process it but it had been there. Guilt.
Lisa wasn’t a terrible human. She had been a dear friend. We had grown up together and she had even hugged and teased me when I’d been betrothed to Jungkook, all those years ago. I had been twenty back then, naïve and spoiled. While Jungkook had taken my father’s entire legacy apart, piece by piece, Lisa had been nothing more than a pawn. I remembered all the times I had let her home, how she would disappear for lengths of time.
Planting bugs all over the house. All over his office. Jungkook had been smart. Someone like Lisa, so fascinated by thr wealth she had grown up around would naturally jump at the idea of more. It wasn’t greed. It was human nature. And with her help he had destroyed everything my father had built over decades.
I shuddered. My father hadn’t been a good man. He had been greedy, yes. But he hadn’t deserved to die. And Jungkook would have to pay for that sin, someday.
“There’s a job waiting for you in Hoseok’s club.” She smiled cruelly , “ you don’t need this one.”
“The fact that you want to take it away from me, tells me that maybe there’s nothing left in you save.” I said blankly and she turned her nose up at me.
“I have Jungkook. I don’t need to be saved.”
I shook my head. She was so naïve. Men like Jungkook cared for nothing but themselves. But I wondered if women like her didn’t care for anything but the money that came with being his. Money was precious, I thought bitterly. I’d never realized how privileged I had been until I’d had it all ripped away.
“He’s the one you need saving from. And one day you’ll realize that.” I shrugged, not in the mood to offer her anymore life advice.  If she was alright with being a trophy wife in exchange for a few pretty shoes that was her prerogative.
Before she could reply,  my phone rang.
“Hello?” I asked nervously and I felt my heart drop to my knees when I heard who it was.
I turned on my heel rushing inside and my manager gave me a look of surprise.
“ My sister..she’s… she’s sick. I need to go.” I said desperately and his eyes narrowed. It was the worst timing. He was already annoyed because of Lisa and I stared in disbelief as he quickly shook his head.
“No. I’m sorry Elena…I just can’t let you leave like that…” He said sharply.
It was so unfair.
“I haven’t taken a single day off in five months…” I said desperately..” Please, she’s pregnant..She needs me, she-“
“If you leave, you won’t have a job to come back to. I can’t do this.. First you make trouble with a customer and now you just want to walk out in the middle of your shift without any notice…”
“Fine. Fire me.” I snapped, because I’d just had enough of it. I was exhausted, and tomorrow I’d go knocking on some other tore and I’d get a job. I lived in Seoul …How hard could it be? For now, I had to get to Jisoo. I had to get the hospital and things would be okay.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It wasn’t okay.
“I… You want to keep her in? So soon?”
“Her blood pressure is through the roof. There are signs of severe pre eclampsia and we want to get her started on a magnesium drip. Steroids to help the baby’s lungs incase we need to deliver…”
“Deliver..?” I couldn’t breathe.
“Yes, I’m sorry…. If her blood pressure doesn’t come down we’re going to have to deliver.”
I nodded, glancing at the bed where Jisoo was sleeping, her face swollen and I knew that she was sick. Really sick. She looked pallid and ill.
“Is she going to be okay?” I asked hoarsely.
“We’re going to do what we can… But I’m going to be honest, we’re looking at a c section, a lot of meds and also some time in the NICU for the baby…. Can you afford it? Your sister’s insurance only covers 80% .”
I blinked, completely thrown. White noise rushed through my ears,  a dull throb settling right at the base of my skull and beginning to spread all the way to my arms and back. It was panic mixed wth anxiety mixed with despair and I couldn’t quite cope. The earrings wouldn’t cover all that.
“Oh… Oh..yeah.” I said dully, “ Of course I can… Let me just…. Can I have a moment? There’s somethings I need to do.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I carefully slipped the cash into the envelope, swallowing as I sat on the pavement. I’d got another call from the hospital, they had administered the steroids but Jisoo’s condition seemed to be worsening. They wanted to try inducing labour soon but they wanted me to pay for the room and for the medicines, and apparently, the earrings weren’t as valuable as I thought they were.
I fought nausea wrapping arms around myself as I stared at the cars whizzing by, the putrid city air clogging my lungs as I tried to come to terms with what was happening. Jisoo needed help. She was the only one left and she carried my brother’s son. I felt my throat clog when I thought of Daehwan. He had been a good guy. I had loved him. It wasn’t fair, what Jungkook had done to my family, I thought miserably .
And the only reason I wasn’t driven by vengeance or anger was because I was nothing like Jungkook. I hated him. I didn’t want him to live in my head, didn’t want to waste any part of myself on him , not even my anger. But it was hard when he wouldn’t let me breathe, always at my heels like a wolf : jaws snapping and blood thirsty eyes trained on me at all times. I couldn’t fathom his obsession sometimes. Surely, his hatred was uncalled for now? He’d taken everything from me anyway.  
There was a dull roaring in my ears, one that said that this was not really a surprise. I’d thought about it way too often, had considered it countless times. Had even spent one absolutely horrifying evening scouring the streets of Seoul’s red light district just to see how sex workers behaved.
I’d also realized that in the face of desperation, dignity didn’t hold much value.
You are going to pay your debts on your back and on your knees.
The first time Jungkook had thrown it at my face, eyes glinting with glee, my stomach had rebelled so hard. I’d been absolutely infuriated, had thrown a vase at him. And it had been awful,  watching him catch it out of the air with ease, his mocking laughter making my bones rattle as he shook his head, “ That’s how this ends, Elena. Mark my words.”
And it was pitiful ,  that he went through life so consumed with hatred and vindictive cruelty that he couldn’t leave me alone . He was pathetic. That’s how I saw him. A pathetic child who refused to stop tormenting the helpless ant on the floor although it was no match for his cruelty.
At some point Jungkook was going to win. And his idea of winning was seeing me stripped bare of the one thing that kept me alive : my freedom.
It had just happened sooner than I’d thought.
Because I knew what it would mean, to go to Hoseok. He would own me. Hoseok’s whores were all slaves, tangled in his web so badly that there was no hope of escape. He wasn’t cruel but he was smart. No one left the his ‘ agency’ once they went in. I would be lost, forever. And I couldn’t stomach it.
I stared at my knees, fists clenched on the fabric of my skirt. I grabbed my phone, scrolling through the contacts. I considered it carefully. I had to do this on my terms. Had to make sure I retained some sort of control here.
And I knew just how to do it.
Hoseok picked up on the third ring.
“Hello.”
“I need help.” I croaked out.
The deep chuckle made my skin crawl.
“Elena Gong. What a wonderful, wonderful surprise. What can I do you for?” He drawled.
“Well sweetheart, I’m all out of charity so you’re going to have to make it worth my while.”
I took a deep breath.
“I’m a virgin.” I whispered.
The line went completely silent.
“What?” The amusement in his voice died.
“You heard me and I’ll let you cash in on it. I’ll let you auction it off…” I tamped down on the burning protest in my lung, the screaming inside my head that said it was horrifying, that I was considering this. “ But only if you keep my terms.”
“What makes you think you have a say in that.” He said sharply and I laughed.
“I belong to your world, Hoseok. Did you forget that we were friends, once.” I whispered and he didn’t reply.
Laughter, kindness, a big brother I could always count on, hobi oppa, nine year old me with my fingers curled around his wrist as we ran all around the gardens , a smile so wide that he could spread sunshine on the gloomiest days. Different from Jungkook and Namjoon and Yoongi and the others. Willing to include a ‘ girl’ in his playtime. Lisa and I the only girls, not even fazed watching as the rest of them wielded toy guns and mock interrogation scenes, pretending to kill and maim and torture because that was the world we were born into.
“We’re not friends, Elena. Let’s get that straight. The only part of you that holds any value to me is th part between your legs. So tell me, what do you want.”
“When was the last time you auctioned off someone’s virginity? You know how much money you can make off something like that. Not just from the sale itself but from the entire night. Your club… Your gaming hell…. All of it.”
“You expect me to believe you’re a virgin. At twenty seven.” He scoffed.
“Put the word out, everywhere. If you find one man who says he’s slept with me , I’ll back off.”
“That would require me to tarnish your  family name. And you’re alright with that?”
I smiled biotterly.
“Isn’t that what you and your precious Jungkookie want? To see the last living Gong, be labeled as a whore and a slut.”
He didn’t reply.
“I’ll give you that. You can do it… You know that will only interest more people. As Jungkook so eloquently put it, most of them would love to fuck the defiance out of me.”
“What’s the catch. What do you want. ”
“2 billion won.”  I said firmly “It will be one night. One night only and I want enough money to pay off every one of my father’s debts, to get me an apartment for my sister in law and to support her and her baby for a year at least.”
“Done.” He said without missing a beat and I went still. What must it be like, to throw around money like that without a care in the world. And it sickened me that Jungkook was probably ten times as rich as Hoseok , the money my father owed him and his associates not even pocket change in comparison to his gargantuan wealth and yet, he stayed on my heels, snapping his jaws like a dog with a bone.
“And Jungkook doesn’t get to watch.” I said softly, knowing exactly what Jungkook would get off on.
That made Hoseok laugh.
“You know him too well. I keep forgetting he was madly in love with you once.”
I resisted the urge to vomit. Jungkook didn’t know love. He knew ownership. He didn’t love me, he thought he owned me. That I was his to play with…. For the rest of his life. And when my father had denied him that, just like a toddler in a toy store being denied a shiny toy to break and trample on, he had thrown a temper tantrum.
Except his tantrums always ended in death and destruction.
“That’s the deal. He doesn’t turn up there to gloat.”
“He’s heading out to Switzerland for a week , two days from now.” Hoseok said evenly.
“Good then. My sister in law…she “ I swallowed. “ She’s in a hospital in Yongsan. I’ll send you the address.”  
“I’ll take care of it. But I want you here tonight. I’m not going to drop a couple billion won on your head without making sure I’m getting my money’s worth. And I can’t have you changing your mind and bolting either. My reputation is on the line here. If I put out the word that I’m serving something so fucking delicious and then back out, they’re not going to want to buy Hobi’s wares anymore. You understand what I’m saying darling?” Hoseok drawled and I knew exactly what he was saying. If I agreed to this, it was blanket consent for him to whatever he wanted.
“I won’t back out. I can’t. But this is one night. One night with whichever bastard you choose and that’s it. I want out.  I don’t want you or Jungkook hounding me again. Ever.” My voice shook as I dug my fingers into my knees.  
“My men will be there in ten minutes. Sit tight, princess.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I stared at Hoseok as he carefully poured me a finger of whiskey, neat. He gave me a smirk and I shrugged.
“you remember.” I said casually, throat itching because it had been way too long since I’d had quality alcohol. I missed the burn,  the warmth , the numbness that followed.
“Of course I do. You could drink all of us under the table with little effort. It was spectacular.” He laughed and I leaned back against the couch, letting my head fall back.
“I was half certain that you would have a doctor around to make sure I’m a virgin.” I stared at him and he shrugged. “ Pointless. You’re twenty seven, you’ve probably had stuff up there anyway… Not like your hymen’s still going to be intact.”
I thought it was rather horrifying, that I didn’t feel nearly as mortified as I should. This was how Hoseok talked, matter of fact and open and that was why he was so popular. Anytime an important person came into the country, Hobi was the one who offered entertainment for the night. Hobi’s girls were always the prettiest, most well behaved and perfect. They were educated, knew what they were talking about and he didn’t force them into the life. They loved it, enjoyed it and it showed.
Not to say he was a saint.
Far from it.
Hoseok knew how to dine with kings in castles  but also how to wrestle with  swine in the gutter. The seedy brothels in Seoul’s back alleys were his as well, and he ruled his kingdom with an iron hand. The prostitutes there feared him, one look or word enough to silence any rebellion, any thought of escape.
He was called Hope. And yet somehow that was exactly what he denied the women under him. There was no hope here. There was only lust and power and money. You came to Hobi…. You never left .
I took the glass he offered, taking a small sip, savoring the taste.
“But you believe me. I wonder why.” I watched him closely and he scoffed.
“Between your father and Jungkook, no one ever really had the pluck to come anywhere near you  did they?”
Undisputable.
I sighed, leaning back to stare at him.
“Do you think dying hurts?” I asked softly.
It was frightening, how his entire body went stiff, eyes wide and jaw dropping.
“Elena, what the fuck-“
“Its just a question. You’ve killed people. You’ve watched them die… how do you think they feel?” I asked , curious.
“None of them wanted to die. If that’s what you’re asking.” The look in his eyes made me nervous.
I stared at him and the question was obvious. None of them wanted to die, but do you?
I didn’t.
“I’m not thinking of killing myself , oppa.  Stop looking so horrified.” I laughed. He shook his head.
“ Don’t joke about that. It’s not fucking funny.”
I sobered up, remembering with a jolt. Ah, of course.
“I’m sorry. I forgot.” I said quietly.
Hoseok’s little sister had killed herself when I was seventeen. She was a year older than me and her father had lost her in a wager to a seventy year old man, known for torturing his bedmates. She had heard the news, taken a deep breath and taken a deep dive off the seventeeth floor of the condo where she lived with her mother.
I’d been engaged to Jungkook by then. And I had almost wanted it. Jungkook wasn’t old at least… twenty one to my seventeen.
“Just so you know, he’s going to find out. And he’s not going to like it.”
I shrugged. Three years is a long time to be preyed upon and now my mind was resigned to a life of being hunted. Hoseok was right. Jungkook would find out and he wouldn’t like it.
Good.
“I don’t care what he does anymore. All I care is that Jisoo and the baby are left out of whatever plans he has…. If you promise me you’ll keep them safe , I’ll cooperate.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was a baby boy.
I stared, fingers itching to hold the baby but it was impossible, the little one whisked away to the NICU right after with respiratory distress and Jisoo had gone into a seizure, eyes rolling back into her eyes.
She as alright now, resting in a VIP room with the best care money could buy. Hoseok had asked me if I was happy with the arrangements, and if I would name the boy after him.
I stared at the room, large and breezy and filled with flowers and gifts, toys and baby stuff and I knew right then that I had sealed my fate. I was going to have to go through with this. I could imagine how much Jisoo would protest when she came to her senses. The only relief was that it would take her a few days to be good enough to fight or protest. But then this would all be over and done with.
Jungkook would leave this afternoon. His flight was at three.
I would reach the club at five. The patrons would arrive at seven.
One night, I reminded myself , staring at the gentle rise and fall of Jisoo’s chest as she slept, my fingers playing with the soft skin on her wrist. The IV line went through her veins and I watched the gentle drip of it.
One night.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I didn’t know how auctions happened and while I’d been prepared for the worst kind of humiliation,  Hoseok assured me that he wasn’t going to make me stand naked on some podium or something.
“Generally, I would do something like that simply for the flair of it but consider this a favor ….a respite because you were, as you said, once a friend.” He gave me an even smile and I could only nod in mute relief.
I was grateful. Beyond grateful.
And what was more, he hadn’t told anyone, who I was.
That stunned me. Because wasn’t that the selling point? The murderous, greedy mob rat Gong Hyo Suk’s only daughter forced to spread her legs for one lucky stranger? If Hoseok had cashed in on that he would have made a fortune. But he hadn’t. I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Would , whoever it was be upset if he recognized me?
I was led to a bedroom, large and tastefully decorated with silky satin sheets and dark curtains and dim lighting that lit up parts of the room and left other parts plunged in darkness. Hoseok had told me to wear whatever I wanted and I realized with a pang that he really didn’t see this as some sort of transaction. He was trying to make it as easy as possible without making any decisions for me. Offering me choices and options and some illusion of being in control.
I didn’t have anything fancy so it was just a dress shirt that I borrowed from Hoseok. I’d left the underwear off, eager to merely get the whole thing over with. I felt a sudden overwhelming urge to laugh out loud.
If Jungkook were here he really would have lost his damn mind, simply because of how little this whole thing affected me. And that was it, really. He was always desperate for a reaction.
Earlier when this whole thing had started, I’d obliged him with that. I would scream, rant and yell….launch myself at him like a wildcat, scratching at him , fists flying  and it was obscene, how much he seemed to enjoy that. He would press me up against walls and tables , fingers choking the breath out of my lung, just so he could see me struggle and push back.
He fed off from every negative reaction I offered him and it had taken me a long long time that the way to beat him was to become passive, unresponsive. I would go limp in his arms, stare at him blankly as he tried to manhandle me and that…that had pissed him off. Because that meant I wasn’t playing his game anymore.
If the prey wasn’t playing, the game wasn’t fun anymore. It was drab.
Boring.
And I knew that Jungkook kept raising the stakes, kept tightening the noose around my neck….just to bring that girl out again. The one that had wanted to put up a fight . The one that wanted to mouth off even with the muzzle of a gun pressed against her head. The one who would spit in his face in front of all his associates, even if it earned her a vicious strike of his hand across her face.
I shuddered. They weren’t memories I liked reliving.
Well, if that was who he wanted, I’d make sure he would never see her again.
The door opening made me jump and Hoseok came in , with a wide grin on his face.
“Baby…. Your guest for the night.” He said softly and I peered over his shoulders, my heart and mind grinding to a halt when I caught sight of what had to be the most breathtakingly beautiful man on the face of the planet.
I felt my heart begin to pound, fear taking over because this wasn’t okay. Not really. I was okay with old, creepy and disgusting , not able to get it up for more than ten minutes.
I wasn’t okay with someone who looked like they stepped right out of the latest issue of GQ.
Hoseok left quickly, closing the door behind him and the man stepped into the light, the brightness lighting up his perfect features even more. I felt my throat go dry, and fought the urge to get up and run. Growing up as the daughter of a mobster , I’d learned how to trust my instincts over appearances.
And right now, every single one of those instincts screamed at me that this man was absolutely dangerous.
“Well, you are beautiful. I’ll give you that. “ He said casually.
“Thank you.” I said stiltedly, watching as he tugged on his tie, pulling it off his neck deftly . Instead of tossing it aside , he wrapped it a bunch of times around his wrist over and over as he smiled at me.
“Don’t thank me yet. The only reason I like beautiful things is because of how easily they break.” He smiled.  “ I haven’t been with a virgin in a while…. I miss the screams.”
And there it was the full blown panic that came with stark terror. I crawled back on the bed, staring as he moved closer and there was no mistaking the look on his face, the harsh grip of his hand on my ankle telling me that I was going to regret every one of the choices that led me here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Hoseok wasn’t at the airport.” Jungkook observed casually, glancing at Yoongi as the latter finished cleaning his gun carefully, eyes fixed on his weapon with utmost concentration.
“He’s holding some sort of auction tonight. Some chick …” Yoongi said casually and Jungkook hummed. It was not the kind of thing he was interested in. Anonymous bids were often boring : actresses or female idols past their prime, desperate to make some money to survive. He had no interest in those but he was a little peeved that Hoseok hadn’t told him anything about it.
Hoseok was one of Jungkook’s most trusted friends. He was almost as powerfully rich as Jungkook and the only reason Jungkook reigned supreme was because Hoseok had no interest in challenging him for the throne. Hoseok was dangerous and cunning and loyal and Jungkook was grateful to have him on his side and he had hoped to see him before leaving. Just to ask him to keep an eye on Elena.
He grimaced, hating himself.
God, he couldn’t go two hours without thinking of her. It fucked with his head, the amount of space she took up inside him. Jungkook , for all his wealth and power, was driven solely by his need to prove himself. He wanted to be powerful and terrifying yes, but more than that , he wanted people to know.
He wanted people to look him in the eye and acknowledge him for what he was : the most dangerous man in the country. He liked seeing that fear, that worship, that admiration. He got off on it. He wanted it , craved it and for some reason he craved it more from her , than anyone else.
And instead of giving him what he wanted, instead of begging on her knees for mercy, instead of licking his shoes and begging for him to let her live….she ignored him. She looked at him with defiance and pride, her chin straight and her back unbending, her gaze locked right on him like she was his fucking equal….
And Jungkook, he’d taken a lot of insults. Taken more than his fair share of hits in life …..
But when she looked at him like that , like he was something stuck to the bottom of her shoe….
Fuck it drove him wild with fury.
It made him want to teach her a fucking lesson, to remind her that he owned her because he owned everything. To break her down, snuff out the flames of defiance that burned so bright in those ember eyes… Take her into his bed and brand her with his body. Till she was on the floor, on her knees covered in his spit and cum begging for mercy….
Because no one looked at Jeon Jungkook like that and lived to tell the tale..
“Seokjin’s here. Landed in Korea a couple of hours ago. ” Yoongi said casually and Jungkook smiled a bit at that. He loved his older brother, technically a step brother and growing up he had only saw him when he visited his mother in China. That meant a couple of months a year and now as adults,  a bit more often because Seokjin loved Jungkook and liked to visit him often.
Seokjin was a celebrity trainer, working with actors and athletes and he did a good amount of modeling as well. He was rich,  handsome and well liked and the only thing that gave away the Jeon blood in him was the fact that he was a sexual sadist.
The face of an angel with a devilish streak, he had a penchant for sadism and inflicting pain on his partners and while Jungkook didn’t particularly enjoy indulging him, he knew there were women who were into that and usually had them arranged for when Seokjin dropped by in Korea. His hyung’s visit seldom lasted more than a few weeks at a time and it was a pity that he would miss out one whole week of it .
But the issue in Switzerland was a little pressing and Jungkook had to be there in person to sort it out.
He leaned back against the seat, staring out of the window, sighing.
“An unsullied dove ….What the fuck is this shit..” Yoongi muttered and Jungkook turned, curious.
“What?”
“Hoseok’s been hyping up some new girl for the auction and Seokjin hyung’s bidding on her.”
Jungkook laughed at that.
“Jungkook…..” Yoongi’s voice is completely stunned, his eyes confused as he looks up at Jungkook.”  Its Elena.”
Jungkook’s thought process came to a grinding halt.
There’s a sound between his ears, a dull rushing sound like the wind in a storm and he can’t quite comprehend what he just heard. Even Namjoon who had been buried in his laptop , looked up then, tugging an airpod out of his ear.
“Wait…did you say Elena?” His eyes were wide , lips parted in shock. Yoongi and Namjoon exchanged glances, no doubt bracing themselves for the explosion that was to follow.
Jungkook took a deep breath.
“Turn the fucking plane around.”
That jolted Namjoon out of his stunned stupor..
“Turn-? Jungkook what…. We’re on a fourteen hour flight-“ Namjoon began but the look on Jungkook’s face made him stop.
“DID I FUCKING STUTTER?”
Namjoon swore.
“Fucking hell… alright just calm the fuck down, Jesus…just put a fucking bullet in that girl’s head and spare us all the headache fuck…” He growled, unbuckling his seat belt and rushing to the cockpit and Yoongi groaned.
“ Let me guess you want me to get in touch with someone in Seoul and ask Hoseok to hold off on letting Seokjin near her…”
Jungkook glared at him.
“If you already know that why the fuck are you still here…” He growled and Yoongi gave him a look.
“Just tell her you’re in love with her and let us live, Jeon Jungkook.”
In love….. what the fuck….
He glared at Yoongi’s back, his asinine words making him madder. God he wanted to crush someone’s skull into dust with his bare hands.
And right now, in his head , that skull belonged to Jung fucking Hoseok.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 “What just happened?” I asked, frantic staring at the door as Hoseok’s men casually led a fuming Seokjin away while the man himself stared at me, looking pale as parchment.
“ Jungkook found out.” He said shortly and I felt my heart drop although I was half relieved because there had been something insane in Kim Seokjin’s gaze when he’d reached for me , a cruel glint of hunger that told me he would have hurt me really badly if Hoseok hadn’t barged into the room , frantic and worried.
He had given Seokjin a wide smile and then, “ I’m so sorry. We were waiting on her blood results and turns out she has a…. well, certain occupational disease that is very infectious.”
Seokjin’s mouth had dropped open even wider than mine.
“I thought she was a fucking virgin.” He had snapped, and I flinched at how cold and furious he had sounded.
But apparently there was a reason this whole thing had happened.
“What do you mean Jungkook knows? What does that mean?” I asked frantically, fear taking over.
“ He’s heading back here… He wants to see you.”
I felt my entire body go ice cold as I shook my head…
“No…fucking no bring Seokjin back here , he can fuck me that was the fucking deal, Hobi, please don’t../…”
“Elena , I’m so fucking sorry.. Seokjin…he’s fucked in the head…. He likes hurting his whores, likes making them bleed and he would have fucking destroyed you…”
I gaped at him horrified.
“What?!” I hissed shaking my head in disbelief.
“He’s Jungkook’ stepbrother. I’ve arranged whores for him before, I knew he was a little crazy but I’d never seen him before and I didn’t know he was the Kim Seokjin…fuck he outbid everyone and fucker looks like a fucking angel, how the fuck was I supposed to know he’s unhinged? Thankfully, I messaged Yoongi and …. Fuck… Listen… I know I paid for your sister’s surgery but you’re going to have to pay me back….”
I felt my body convulse in rebellion.
“I can’t.. You know I fucking can’t��”
“I can’t make an enemy out of Jungkook…. I can’t.” Hoseok shook his head. “ You can get out of here now if you want but I’d advise you to stay. If you run it’s only going to make Jungkook angrier.”
“WHAT DID I FUCKING DO TO HIM?!!!” I screamed, feeling my composure crumble into smithereens. “WHAT THE FUCK DOES HE WANT FROM ME?!!”
Hoseok flinched, stepping back and holding his hands up.
“Whether I want to or not, I answer to Jungkook.  I shouldn’t have done this in the first place , I’m sorry Elena.” He shook his head and stepped back like the coward that he was and I wanted to hurt him. To shake him and ask him to fucking remember who I was. That I had nothing to do with my father’s sins . That I had been a fucking marionette in his hands, had wanted nothing more than to be left alone.
I stared at him in disbelief.
“So much for being a friend…” I whispered.
His jaw tightened. But he didn’t look guilty. None of them ever did. It was like guilt didn’t exist in their world. They did what they wanted to whoever they wanted , whenever they wanted and they got away with it because that bastard’s word was law. What Jeon Jungkook wanted, he got.
“I’ll get your clothes sent in.”
I watched him leave, the door slamming shut behind him and sagged against the bed, staring at myself. What had just happened?
Was I born to endless misery and misfortune?
Couldn’t I catch a fucking break?
I’d agreed to sell myself hadn’t I? Would have even let Seokjin hurt me if that was what he wanted. Because it was one night. It was one night of this…whatever the hell this was and then freedom. That was the deal.
The door opened again and I stared as a young girl brought me a pile of my clothes neatly folded.
“Do you work here?” I said sharply.
She blinked before bowing her head.
“Yes, mistress.”
I scoffed.
“Don’t call me mistress , I’m here to get fucked, just like you. Tell me does Jungkook ever use the women here.” I demanded.
She looked trapped, glancing at the door, clearly wanting to run .
“Tell me.” I snapped and she flinched.
“I..uh..yes. Sometimes.” She said softly.
“Can you tell whoever fucks him next to kick him in the fucking balls?”
The girl bowed deeply and all but ran out and I sighed, feeling myself shaking. Jungkook was on the way here and I wanted to yell and scream and rave at him but I knew that was exactly what he wanted. I wanted to deny him the satisfaction …wanted to act all cool and composed in front of him but it was impossible…
Because I hadn’t realized just how tired I was of this whole thing, till right this moment, when the end had been in sight. I was supposed to get my two billion won pay off all the debt , give Jisoo the rest of the money and disappear. I was so tired, so tired of this life I’d gotten trapped into, slaving over for hours on end just to afford a couple of meals a day. No friends, no boyfriends, no hope of a future …..
The door banged open and I jumped, crawling back when I recognized the man who had just entered.
“Yoongi-“
“Jungkook wants to see you.” He ground out and I swallowed.
“I need to get dressed. Please just wait outside.” I said shakily.
And then the door opened further and a tall looming shadow stepped in familiar and vomit inducing.
Jungkook looked livid, piercing glinting through the dimply lit room and I stared at him. He was dressed in a tight black t shirt, he sleeves stretched thin over his biceps and the tattoos stark against his skin.
“Leave us.” He said softly and Yoongi moved away to the door leaving me alone with the devil himself. I cursed myself for not putting at least my panties on, I was naked underneath this shirt and although it was big it left nothing to the imagination.
Jungkook’s eyes raked over my form before resting on my face.
“You think you’re smart enough to outsmart me, Elena?” He whispered softly.
I swallowed.
“Send you brother back in. He can fuck me and I’ll pay you back.”
Jungkook hummed, stepping closer and grabbing my clothes from the bed, he grabbed the plain white bra and the pastel pink underwear and then to my complete and utter mortification he brought the clothing up to his face, breathing in .
“Fucking pervert!!!” I screamed, feeling the action like a physical touch and wanting to claw his eyes out and the smirk on his face told me that this was exactly what he wanted but I was too fucking gone to care.
“If you want me to be a whore, fine. I’ll be a whore. But on my terms…” I spat out and he shook his head, laughing.
“I don’t just want you to be a whore, Elena. I want everyone to know that you are one…” He dropped my clothes and moved closer, holding a hand out. “ Come here.”
I stared at the inked fingers, adorned with sterling silver rings and bracelets with the motifs of his gang. I shook my head.
“No. I’m not playing this game with you.” I turned my face away.
His hand shot out gripping my upper arm with enough strength to bruise and I screamed, agony shooting up my arm and shoulders as he dragged me off the bed and onto the floor. I landed hard, hips and elbows bruising from impact and I stared at him in disbelief.
“I’ve been to gentle with you. You’ve forgotten your fucking place.” He bent over and grabbed me by my hair, yanking me to my feet so hard that it felt like my scalp had been ripped away from my skull.
“Okay…okay…Okay Jungkook..just…!!” I said softly, flinching because my pain tolerance was almost zero and Jungkook’s grip was so hard that my eyes were beginning to water now. He let me go, grabbing my panties off the floor and tossing them at me.
“I’m going to count to five. Put those on and get out.”
He walked out of the door and I stumbled a little fumbling with the fabric before quickly, slipping my legs in and yanking it up to my waist. I made to put on something else but his voice came, loud and impatient.
“Get the fuck out here.”
I walked out of the door and he was standing there next to Hoseok. I couldn’t meet either of their gazes , hating how they had so much power over my life. I stared at the floor. It was tempting to yell at them and scream but that never led anywhere.
“ I’ve asked them to stop the payment on the Hospital bill. Seeing as Elena hasn’t kept her end of the bargain.”
I felt my breath hitch at that, willing down the tears as I glared at him.
“What do you want?” I snapped. “ Tell me who you want me to fuck…. I’ll do it. Let’s get this over with so you can go back to whatever sewer you fucking climbed out of. ….”
Hoseok’s breath caught like he couldn’t believe what I’d just said and the look in his eye was a warning but I was sick of this. Sick of them all.
Jungkook turned to Hoseok with a laugh.
“You see hyung? See why I can’t let her go? If I let her scot free, everyone’s going to think I’m a pushover….that any worthless bitch can talk to me any way she wants and get away with it….” He shook his head, staring at me with a glint in his eye. “ I’m not going to choose. They are. You think you can charm your way into Hoseok’s heart and get special treatment? You think you’re ready to be a whore, Elena? Let me show you how a real whore gets treated in Hoseok’s club.”
He gripped my wrist, yanking me behind him as he stalked off down the narrow corridor that opened up into the club. I let myself get dragged out into the club dismally aware of the fact that I was wearing nothing but Hoseok’s shirt. I could feel eyes on me but I kept mine on the back of Jungkook’s head as he dragged me all the way to the front. I knew what he was going to do and at this point I was just numb.
There was no point reasoning with the devil.
I glared at him as he pointed at the stage. “ Get up there.” He whispered harshly.
I stared back at him, not moving. I saw Jungkook’s jaw clench.
“Either you go up there by yourself, with your clothes on. Or I carry you up there, after stripping you naked. What’s it going to be? ”
I glared at him, pursing my lips before climbing up using the small stair in the side. I moved to the center, right in front of the stage lights, so the rest of the room would disappear. I had no wish to see any of the bastards in the room.
“I think all of you recognize this little beauty here, don’t you?” Jungkook’s voice was cheerful, friendly even and I bit my lips, fists clenched. “ Well, if you don’t let me tell you . This is Gong Hyo Suk’s daughter. Remember that bastard? He put a hit out on my father. Killed him and my mom on the night I was supposed to be marrying his fucking daughter. A daughter who later called off the wedding, because I was too poor now, to give her the life she deserved. ”
I felt the familiar ice cold guilt in my vein. I was seventeen, I wanted to scream. I was seventeen and all I did was say what my father asked me to say, do what my father asked me to do.
“ That was nine fucking years ago… and you know what I told myself…. I told myself, that a greedy little bitch like this, doesn’t deserve shit.” He laughed. “ If money’s what she values the most, then the only thing she deserves is to be treated like the whore she is.”
“Why don’t you guys tell me, how much money you’d be willing to spend, to fuck her? Come on, Hobi’s been treating you guys so well lets help him make some money tonight… be generous. ”
I could barely hear what they were calling out but when Jungkook climbed onto the stage next to me, I jumped. Moving back instinctively, I winced when brought a forearm around my throat nearly choking me as he dragged up against his body.
“90 million won….That’s a lot.” He grinned. “ Jihan hyung….. that was you right? You’re gonna pay 90 million won for her?”
I felt my heart race, it was a lot. More than enough for the Hospital Bills, would even leave extra to get a decent apartment somewhere... I grabbed his wrist as it pressed into my throat, trying to pull his hand off me but he just wrapped his free hand around my waist, wrapping his entire body around mine and chuckling into my hair.
Jungkook pressed his head against mine and I froze, hating the close contact.
“Okay…but since I’m feeling a bit left out here…Why don’t I pitch in… 500 Won.” Jungkook said loud and clear.
I froze. An eerie silence fell over the club, laughter stilling and the clink of glasses slowing down.
What.
I struggled to get away from his but his hold tightened.
“Anyone else?” He called out. “ Come on… Not even thousand? Surely you think this one here’s worth a thousand won? Aren’t you going to outbid me?”
No one responded of course they didn’t. Jungkook’s anger was palpable and no one was going to get on his wrong side …..
“Ahh… is that it then? Bid’s going to close for 500 won then…. Hear that baby?” He whispered against my ears and I swallowed. “ 90, million won to five hundred won in a few seconds… What does that tell you?”
“It tells me you’re a fucking psychopath in love with your own voice… Get off me.” I hissed.
“No. What it tells you is that only I get to decide how much that body of yours is worth, not you. . You don’t get to go sell your fucking body behind my back for two billion won and then pay off all your debts and ride off into the sunset, that is not how this works….”
I went limp in his arms fighting tears because he never played fair. Never.
“Hear that Hoseok-ah… I win her for the night for 500 won…fair and square…. Is that alright?” He called out into the darkness and I felt the first inkling of dread begin to seep in.
“No.. No… get off me.” I hissed and he laughed, dragging me off the stage with ease. I screamed, kicking out in disbelief.
Jungkook grinned at me, before grabbing both my arms and yanking them behind me, and I whimpered, unable to move as he easily pulled me along to the door that opened into the hallway. Behind us I heard Hoseok’s voice.
“Jungkook, don’t be impulsive. Think about whatever you’re going to do.”
I flinched at that, panic building.
“He’s not going to do anything. I’ll fucking kill him if he touches me , I-“
“Shut the fuck up, you little bitch.” He shook me hard till my teeth rattled and I sobbed out.
“Jungkook…” Hoseok warned but he merely snarled.
“I know what I’m doing hyung, just…. Don’t disturb us. And make sure everyone here knows that she’s open for business.” It was loud enough to carry through the club and I felt humiliation burn my throat, acrid like acid.
I froze in disbelief.
“Jungkook …” Hoseok’s voice held a tone of reproach.
“ And tell them that her body is amazing. Tell them she spent the night with me , the best fuck I’ve ever had , mouth made for cock.”
I stared straight ahead as he pulled me all the way to the room we had left earlier and I tripped when he shoved me inside, landing on my hands and knees . I quickly rolled back around to land on my ass, crawling back as he slammed the door shut and locked it from the inside.
He stared down at me, mouth grim.
“You do owe me a wedding night. I was so ready to fuck your tight cunt, nine years ago… I think I’ve waited long enough yeah.”
I stared at him in disbelief. I knew exactly what he wanted me to do, to yell and scream and protest and fight so he could get off and forcing me…. Fucking psychopath.
I took a deep breath and nodded.
“If you pay for my sister in laws bills, and give me an apartment sure. “ I shrugged. “You’re not any different from any of the bastards here. I don’t give a damn which one of you idiots wants to rut into me like the absolute animal that you are…. I don’t care…” I said softly.
“you don’t? Really? You want me to tell you what your brother said when one of my men put a gun into his mouth…. He begged for his life…said he had a kid on the way….” Jungkook laughed, shaking his head. “I told him it was better than what his father did…. My sister was six months pregnant when his lieutenant gunned her down on the streets.”
I shuddered, wrapping my arms around myself.
“Why are you telling me this…” I snapped.
“Because she didn’t deserve it did she, Elena? She didn’t fucking deserve to die like that , like a dog on the street when she had nothing to do with any of this…. She didn’t deserve it.” He growled, bending down and gripping my chin hard.
“Maybe she did deserve it.” I spat out. “ If I deserve to be here, maybe your sister deserved to die too. “
He snarled, hand flying to my hair and dragging me up off the floor in one sharp yank. I whimpered as he pushed me on the bed, before climbing on top of me. I felt like every bone in my body was about to snap in two, the weight of him unbearable on me.
“I won the bid tonight…. I won it fair and square… You signed the waiver didn’t you…that you agreed to the auction…I won and I’m going to fucking collect.” He growled, and I kicked out, trying to buck him off of my body.
“Get off me.” I hissed. “ I’m not letting you fuck me for 500 won.”
“How about for your Jisoo then?” He whispered and I went still.
“What?”
He chuckled, reaching down and I felt my pulse pound as he pulled his phone out, dialing quickly and turning on the speakers.
Yoongi’s voice made me go ice cold. Everyone knew what Yoongi did for Jungkook.
“Daehwan’s wife is in a hospital room in Yongsan. Hobi’s got the details. I think she’s served her purpose.”
“No!! JUNGKOOK NO!!” I  screamed , thrashing so hard my head began to spin but he grunted pressing down into me harder.
“Are you serious? I’m not home yet… I can take care of it tonight.” Yoongi said, voice casual and I sobbed, shaking my head in sheer terror.
“Okay… I’ll behave.. I promise.. please just don’t…”
Jungkook hummed.
“Well, that was easy… Yoongi-yah… why don’t you stay on the phone yeah…. Going to get that wedding night I’m owed and if my baby doesn’t co operate you know what to do, yeah?”  
I bit my lips, glaring into the sheets as he gripped my waist, pulling me up.
“Ass up like the bitch that you are, baby.” He whispered and I felt my entire body shudder in disgust. It was worse because I hadn’t done this before. Didn’t know what to expect. But I couldn’t let him know that. If Jungkook knew that I was a virgin, I could just imagine how much fun he’d have with that info.
Hands gripped my wrists, pinning them to the bed and I turned my face away when I felt the press of his lips on my cheeks. He gripped both my wrists with one hand, keeping them pinned over my head and I flinched when I felt his fingers pulling the fabric of my panties aside, just enough for the blunt head of his cock to press against my slit.
“Yoongi, you there?” Jungkook said softly and Yoongi grunted over the phone. I felt my face flame in embarrassment.
“You’re a sick bastard but I’m used to it. What’s up?” he said casually.
“Remember how we used to wonder just how tight Elena’s cunt was… back when we were in school.”
Fucking monster, I thought in disbelief. I hate him I hate him I hate him….
“Good times…” Yoongi chuckled lightly .
Jungkook pushed into me in one hard thrust and pain shot straight up my spine, my insides burning like he’d fucked me with a knife and not his body. I couldn’t stop the cry of agony that got torn of me, my eyes tearing up and tears spilling over onto my cheeks.
“Damn Jungkook, she okay?” Yoongi’s chuckle made me want to claw his face off, and just the urge to kill was growing inside me.
“Well, I can confirm that it is, in fact just as tight as we thought…” He grunted, thrusting into me at a pace that was inhumane, every push and drag of him rubbing my insides raw and I bit down on the sheets under me, afraid that I would do something absolutely humiliating, like beg him to stop.
“Good, you should let me take that tight ass for a ride someday then. With her permission of course…. I’m a gentleman after all. Big on consent.” He laughed and I swallowed the urge to tell him that I would puncture his balls with a switchblade if he came anywhere near me.  
“Oh, she’s going to do whatever I ask her to….aren’t you baby…” He grunted, “ Turn around so I can see you.”
He pulled out of me, his weight lifting off my body as he moved away. I couldn’t move, limbs numb and insides throbbing in pain . His palm landed on my thigh, hard and the sharp sting of it made me jump.
“I said turn around, I want to see your face when I fuck you.” Jungkook growled. I stayed limp, breathing hard and he grunted impatient, fingers sinking into my hair , yanking me to my knees and the movement made my legs scream in protest.
“How’s she so quiet? You fucked the voice out of her, kook-ah?” Yoongi asked amused and Jungkook pulled me by the hair, dragging me to the center and pushing me down till my head landed on the pillow.
“Hyung you should see her right now, all fucked out …. Like she’s never had a dick in her before.” He shook his head, “ Fucking slut. Take that off and hold yourself open for me.”
I stared at him, uncomprehending and he grabbed both my hands, placing them on my knees.
“Grab your knees and pull your legs back… So I can fuck that tight cunt the way I want to.” He said slowly, like I was a dog he was trying to train and I stared at him , defiantly.
“ Go to hell.” I whispered.
Yoongi’s laughter came from somewhere to the right.
“Your dirty talk needs work, Kook ah… Tell her she’s a precious little kitten and she makes you feel really good…. Bitches love that shit…”
Jungkook hovered over me, grabbing the back of my thighs and spreading them wide enough to make me whimper in pain.
“Is that so babygirl? You want me to tell you that? That you make daddy’s cock feel good?” He cooed, nudging the tip against me again and I had never hated anyone so much in my life. I stared up at his face, and he smiled at me, a cheeky little grin that made his bunny teeth stand out and for a second he looked so deceptively angelic and the glimmer of his piercing caught my eye.
I couldn’t help but swallow, gaze trained on the glint of metal on his tongue.
“You like that?” He grinned suddenly, sticking his tongue out for me to see, I felt my eyes widen at how sinfully good he looked .” Hyung she likes my tongue piercing.”
“Show her how it feels on her clit.” Yoongi laughed and I could barely fully process what I heard before Jungkook was crawling down my body, arms, curling on my thighs and yanking me onto his tongue .
I felt the press of his tongue on my slit, licking right into me and the jolt of pleasure was so unexpected, the pleasure so unwanted and yet so overwhelming and I couldn’t stop the way my body thrashed against the streets, lips parted as I practically mewled out in pleasure.
“Definitely a kitten…” Yoongi called out and I shuddered as Jungkook slipped two fingers into me , the ice cold press of his ring inside me making me jump. I wanted to pull away, grab his hair and yank him off but I couldn’t because it was
“Next time I’ll put the dick piercing in too, yeah? Fuck you with a bit of metal on my cock so you can feel that up there…. ” He laughed into my thighs and I screamed when he bit into the flesh there , hard.
“I’m getting bored… Either turn on facetime so I can at least jerk off to this , or I’m hanging up…” Yoongi called out .
“Hyung she clenches down on me every time she hears your voice… Just stay on for a few more minutes yeah, she tastes so fucking good, I’m gonna cum soon….” Jungkook added another finger, slipping in deep before spreading them apart inside me. I whimpered when he pushed his tongue in between the wet digits, licking into my walls and I could feel the ball of his piercing drag against my walls, ice cold and hard.
Was it fucked up that I did clench down on him again, my body apparently a slave to my base desires even as my mind screamed that he was the absolute worst bastard on the face of the planet.
“Elena, you owe me a blowjob at least for this…” Yoongi called out and I glared at the phone.
“I’ll bite your fucking dick off if you come anywhere near me.” I snapped.
“Fuck, I could get off just to that mouthy fuckhole of hers…..” Yoongi grunted.
Jungkook pulled away, climbing back up over me and lightly slapping my breasts.
“Now, how about you open that mouth and let me fuck it?”
Yoongi snorted from behind us and Jungkook glared at the phone before glaring at me again.
“Well?”
“You want to know how hard I can bite?” I said sharply, the pleasure ebbing away into nothing and resentment taking it place, the momentarily physicality of the situation fading and the reminder of who he was and who I was entering my sex addled brain.
“No.. You’re right…. But you know what, I’m not feeling it anymore. I was right.. you really aren’t qualified to be my whore. Your body…it’s frigid like a fucking popsicle…such a fucking turn off. ” He reached over and hung up on the phone.
“Now…”he whispered, leaning in closer and I yelped, when his fingers closed over my throat..” Shut your mouth and take what I give you like a grateful bitch.”
I swallowed when he pushed into me again, his pace steady as he fucked into me, eyes closed and I realized that he was almost fully dressed having just unbuttoned himself enough to get his cock out.
When he stiffened, spilling into me his eyes blew open and he locked eyes with me, wide eyed and for one horrible second he looked young and vulnerable and hurt.
I blinked as he pulled out, the sticky warm mess of his cum dripping down my inner thighs and onto the sheets.
“Well, that was much worse than I thought it would be.”  He said and I stayed on the bed as he grabbed his phone and buttoned himself back up.
He smirked at me and then reached into his pocket.
I quickly pulled myself together, ignoring the aches and pains and getting to my knees before reaching for my dress on the bed. it was kind of pointless because I still had Hoseok’s shirt on and I wasn’t going to take that off in front of Jungkook.
“Well, I’m a man of my word , Elena so…here you go..just as we discussed.” He tossed a coin on the bed and I stared at the engraved 500 on the shiny surface, feeling my rage swell inside me.
“If you still want to work out a payment plan for your sister’s bills …. Why don’t you come to my office tomorrow?” He tossed his card on the bed before  moving away to the door.
Fucking bastard.
Author’s note : My whole life is filled with regrets . 
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fruitcoops · 3 years
Text
Night Changes
This isn't based on an ask, but I've had some early-Cap ideas brewing and think about the first time the team heard him laugh a lot. His and James' friendship is so sweet in SW--the beginning of it must have been such a shock to them both. SW credit goes to @lumosinlove!
So maybe James had bitten off more than he could chew. It wasn’t the first time, to be sure, but coaxing (read: drag kicking and screaming) his new teammate out of the carefully-constructed mosaic of scowls that made up his entire personality was proving to be a little more challenging than he previously expected. With most rookies, all it took was some elbow grease and overenthusiastic inclusion in group events to get them to open up—with his brand-new soon-to-be best friend, he had to handle things a little more delicately.
Sirius Black was a puzzle wrapped up in one of those freaky code-breaking machines from World War Two Lily liked to talk about. He was one of the best hockey players James had ever seen, but off the ice he seemed to shut down. The intense focus on his face smoothed out into almost perfect neutrality, and in the four months since he joined the Lions, he had never once smiled for real in front of the team. He sat in his stall and padded up in silence, then went out and kicked ass before following Pascal home like a living shadow.
Naturally, James took it as a personal mission to pry Sirius Black’s closed-off persona open like a stubborn oyster. He tried including Sirius in group events—the rookie went along with a quiet “yeah, sure”, but sat at the table and nursed a single drink for the entire night. He tried getting into friendly banter with him on the ice, but it was like Sirius had never joked with anyone in his life. Hell, he even tried finding him a girlfriend, which tanked harder than the goddamn Titanic.
“Rookie!” James shouted down the hallway.
Sirius jumped and turned around, obviously confused. “Me?”
“Yes, you,” James laughed, jogging over to toss an arm over his shoulders. “What’s up?”
“Not much.”
He waited for Sirius to continue, then rolled his eyes and gave him a friendly shake. “C’mon, man, how was your weekend? Has Dumo coerced you into being a stay-at-home babysitter yet?”
Sirius’ frown deepened. “What? I come with him to practice every day.”
Change tactics, change tactics— “Got any plans for Friday?”
James knew the answer, of course; it was always no or not yet or a simple shake of the head. If he was a less observant man, he would have assumed Sirius didn’t actually want to hang out with the team. But the longing looks toward their easy rhythm and the way he always tilted himself toward locker room conversations told a different story. “None yet,” Sirius said with a shrug.
James gave him a friendly slap on the back. “Good, ‘cause I’m having a party at my place and you’re not allowed to miss it.”
“Why not?”
“Because I want you to be there, duh.” The bewilderment didn’t fade from Sirius’ face, but beneath it—well, maybe James was just seeing things, but he looked almost hopeful. He ruffled Sirius’ hair and headed for the locker room. “Friday at five, rookie! I’ll be waiting!”
--
The week passed in a slog of practices and cold weather. Sirius clammed up more and more as the party drew closer, but James didn’t miss the way his eyes flickered between the rest of them like he was analyzing a play. He would make one hell of a captain someday, if he could just relax a little.
“Hey, rookie, want a ride?” he asked when the big day finally arrived.
“Don’t you want to go home and set up first?” Sirius’ brow furrowed. For an eighteen-year-old kid, he was awfully thoughtful. James couldn’t wait to see him let loose a little. “I wouldn’t want to get in your way.”
“It’s a yes or no question,” he teased, poking the bit of exposed shoulder through the widening hole in Sirius’ under armor.
“I…” He faltered, then the corner of his mouth twitched up. It was the closest thing James had seen to a smile from him yet. One point for Potter. “Sure, Pots. Thanks.”
“No problem. Meet me at my car in five or so, yeah?”
“D’accord.”
“Oho, fancy French,” James laughed, turning back to unlace his skates.
It wasn’t until thirty seconds after Sirius left the room that he remembered he never told the rookie what his car looked like. Horrible, terrible visions of the poor guy wandering around the parking lot—or, god forbid, thinking James had left without him—flashed through his mind. It would undo everything he had been working so hard to build.
“Shit,” he hissed under his breath as he shoved his gear into his duffel with reckless abandon and hurried out of the locker room. His legs would be stiff from trying to run so soon after a grueling drill practice, but it was worth it to save his friend. “Rookie? Hey, Sirius, you still here?”
There was no response. James cursed again and made a beeline for the door to the parking lot. Please, God, don’t let him get lost. I need him to trust me.
“Oh, thank fuck,” he panted as he burst out onto the half-frozen concrete.
Sirius looked up from his phone with a strange expression. “Are you okay?”
“Thought I lost you for a sec.”
“You said to meet at your car, yes?” He glanced between James and the car in sudden worry.
“Yeah, yes, absolutely, I just—” He made an aborted gesture and dug his keys out of his pocket. “I realized I forgot to tell you which one is mine.”
Sirius blinked at him. “I know what your car looks like.”
“How?”
“Because you drive it here every single day and you gave me a ride three weeks ago.”
‘Dumbass’ went unsaid, but James could feel it hanging in the air. He coughed lightly. “Right. Anyway, you can toss your bag wherever and hop in the passenger seat. My place isn’t far from here.”
Sirius took his duffel as he unlocked the car and settled both in the trunk with more care than James’ poor, battered bag had ever seen in its life. That was another thing that confused him about Sirius Black—he was so careful. He walked quietly for someone so tall, and each movement seemed pre-planned.
Each movement, that is, until he tried to get in the car. “Uh, Pots?”
“That’s m—oh.” James covered his mouth to stifle his laughter as Sirius tried to fold himself into the passenger seat and failed miserably. “I’m sorry, my girlfriend was sitting there last. Uh, there’s a lever on your right—yeah, there, just give it a pull and—”
With a harsh ka-chunk, the seat slid all the way back. Both men froze. It took everything in James’ power not to burst out laughing at the deer-in-headlights shock on Sirius’ face.
“Yep, that one,” he managed. “Nice job.”
They drove in relative quiet—James chattered on about weekend plans and hummed to the radio while Sirius watched out the window with the occasional monosyllable response. It took James a bit by surprise how comfortable he was, even without a steady stream of banter. Sirius might have been stubborn and silent and determined to foil all James’ plans at getting him to socialize, but he was calming to be near, like an anchor on unsteady water. Despite his overall quiet air, he was obviously paying attention to every word that left James’ mouth.
“You’re a good guy, y’know that?” he said as they turned onto his street. Sirius glanced over in surprise. “Most people tune me out within, like, five minutes.”
“I’m a good listener.”
James opened his mouth to respond, then paused. “Was that—Sirius Black, was that a joke?”
Something akin to mischief—mischief!—crossed his face. “Maybe.”
“Were you roasting me?” James gaped at him. “Oh my god. The guys are never gonna believe this.”
“Probably not.”
“You sick bastard. They won’t believe me.”
“You can give it a shot,” Sirius said with a shrug as the engine turned off. Pieces began to connect in James’ head as he stared, incredulous, at the rookie he thought would never even crack a smile. Four months of work had not been wasted, as he had feared; every joke, every one-sided conversation, and every attempt to get Sirius involved had been seen and heard and taken to heart. When he thought about it, he wasn’t sure he had ever seen Sirius actively agree to something unless James asked personally.
“We’re friends,” he said aloud, too surprised and too happy to hold it in. Not friends in the way James was with the rest of their loud, over-the-top teammates, but friends all the same.
“Well, yeah,” Sirius said as if it was obvious.
James unbuckled his seatbelt and socked him lightly on the shoulder, barely suppressing a shriek of excitement. “Love you, man. Grab your shit, we’ve got a party to set up.”
----------------
As much as it pained James to say it, having someone around who was six-foot-three was a huge help. There was no blow to his pride as he dragged Lily’s stepstool out; no grudging acceptance that he simply couldn’t reach those last two inches on the wall. Instead, he could foist any and all responsibility on his brand-new best friend in the whole wide world and focus on the things that mattered, like putting anything breakable or important far away from the grubby hands of his inebriated teammates.
His success was still ringing in his ears when the guests finally arrived—throughout the evening, James rode the high of accomplishing his mission to pull Sirius Black into his tight-knit circle. Every minute of those four months was worth it.
Midnight came and went, and by one-thirty in the morning James’ cramped living room was packed with tipsy hockey players in a vague imitation of a circle. “Non, non, I’ve gotta good one,” Dumo said, hiccupping. The room fell quiet as he leaned forward. “What do you call a body of water with a chicken in it?”
“What?” Kasey whispered, starry-eyed like a kid at Christmas.
“A swimming pool.”
The room stayed quiet, and then someone started to laugh. Slowly, they all turned to the source of the noise, and James felt a ripple of shock roll through the team as Sirius snorted. “It’s a swimming pool,” he said around a smile, his accent thick from three drinks. He had a nice laugh; James could get used to hearing it. “Like—poule, like chicken?”
His whole face was alight with happiness. James wasn’t sure whether to cry or cheer. That’s what I’ve been waiting for, he thought. That look, right there. Sirius fit in among the group like a missing piece of their puzzle, snickering away as if he hadn’t been stoically silent a day in his life. His laugh was downright bubbly.
“I don’t think they get it,” Dumo said into the rim of his cup.
Sirius shook his head, trying to catch his breath. “D’accord, so—so ‘chicken’ in French is poule, yeah? So a chicken in a body of water is a swimming poule. Do you get it now?”
A few oh’s of understanding washed over them, but several people continued to stare. “Too drink for this,” Sergei grumbled, though James could see the smile pulling at his mouth as Sirius turned to him with bright eyes.
“But it’s funny!” Sirius protested, so earnest it made James’ heart hurt.
“I think it’s funny, rookie,” he assured him with a clumsy pat on the arm. “And it’s my house, so I say Dumo gets a point this round.”
Kasey hiccupped. “Hey, anyone who makes the rookie laugh gets points in my book. No offense, dude.”
“None taken,” Sirius said, though his cheeks were pink.
James nudged him with his shoulder as Talker started a knock-knock joke. “It’s okay,” he said under his breath.
Sirius picked at the label on his cup. “I know I haven’t been very social,” he muttered.
“It’s okay,” James insisted. “It always takes rookies a while to warm up, so we’re just glad you’re happy. I’m glad my best friend is having a good time at my party.”
A heavy silence fell between them as Sirius looked over, eyebrows raised. “Best friend?”
“What, like you didn’t see this coming?” James slung an arm over his shoulder. “Yes, you French-Canadian nerd, you’re my best friend. And that means I’m your best friend, and there’s no take-backsies.”
“What the hell is a take-backsie?” Sirius laughed. “Did you make that up?”
James grinned. He had the feeling this was the beginning of an excellent friendship.
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nebulablakemurphy · 3 years
Text
Total Eclipse Of The Heart (Part Five)
Jacob Black x Fem!Vampire!Swan!Reader
Summary: Jacob Black, alpha of his pack, would never fall in love with a bloodsucker, much less imprint on one. The problem is that Y/N Swan was human…until she wasn’t anymore.
Prologue | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4
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The bike works for a while, Bella can see Edward; until she gets good at operating the vehicle. After that the danger is gone and so is any version of him.
Jacob and Y/N are hunting Victoria. Charlie is hunting the wolves, who he still believes to be bears, responsible for the killings around town.
Bella’s alone again.
She decides to try something new, to get that rush of adrenaline. Cliff jumping is about as stupid as it is recreational. But Edward is there, begging her not to jump. So she does, anything to make him stay.
———————————————————————
“She’s freezing cold. I can’t touch her.”
“Relax. Human hot box, remember? I hope you don’t mind, I’m gonna have to give her mouth to mouth.”
“Jake,” thwack.
Beyond the voices, Bella can feel pressure. Like someone is pounding on her chest, commanding her heart to beat.
“Come on Bella. Breathe.”
With a sputtering inhale she chokes up the water that invaded her lungs.
“Bella!”
The brunette opens her eyes just in time to see her sister reach for her and then remember her temperature, dropping both hands back to her sides.
“I’m ok,” Bella tells her, through chattering teeth.
“What the hell were you doing?” Y/N demands, tossing a blanket around her shoulders.
Jacob lifts Bella from the sand to lean against him, soaking up his warmth.
“I just wanted to see something.” Bella looks away from Y/N. The venom has eaten away her contacts and she can see her now for what she truly is.
“We’ve gotta get her home.” Jacob says, lifting Bella with ease.
“Your eyes,” Bella tries to warn her.
“It’s ok,” Y/N shakes her head. “Dad’s not home. He’s over at the Clearwater’s.”
“Did something happen?” Bella wonders.
“Harry had a heart attack.” Jacob breathes, the words striking like a hot iron. “He didn’t make it.”
“I’m so sorry.” Bella whispers to no one in particular.
“Let’s go,” Y/N jerks her chin in the direction of the road.
“I’ll run her,” the wolf offers.
“My truck,” Bella pushes feebly against his chest.
“I got it,” Y/N sighs, taking the keys. “You go, keep her warm.”
“On it.” Jacob nods, breaking into a sprint.
Y/N heads back to the truck, opening the door and waiting as it rattles to life. Her fingers curl over the steering wheel harshly, distorting it with the force of her grasp.
The phone buzzes to life in her pocket, not a number she recognizes. “Hello?”
“Y/N, it’s Edward.”
“Edward…” The Y/H/C nearly short circuits.
“Is Bella alright?” He asks immediately.
How did he know? “Now you care what happens to Bella?”
“Y/N please-“
“No,” she cuts him off. “Edward, you left. You left and you didn’t care. I mean where the hell have you been? Where were you while I was here picking up the pieces?”
“I’m sorry.” Edward grovels, the way she had on the front lawn of the Cullen’s home after Bella’s birthday party. “It was a mistake.”
“Your sorry means nothing to me.” Y/N ends the call. Tossing the phone to the passenger seat. Her foot pressing the gas pedal to the floor.
Arriving home at record speed, she finds a black car in the driveway. Carlisle’s car. Parking the truck, she jots through the front door.
Alice, Jacob and Bella are deep in conversation.
“What are you doing here?” Y/N asks Alice.
“I had a vision of Bella jumping off a cliff. I didn’t see her get pulled out of the water-“ Alice breaks off. Her eyes fluttering, then she gasps.
“What now?” Jacob runs a hand over his face.
“It’s Edward, he thinks Bella’s dead.” Alice chokes out. “He’s going to the Volturi, he wants to die too.”
“What?” Bella’s entire body lurches forward.
“Rosalie told him why I came here. Then Y/N-“
“You spoke to him?” Bella cuts Alice off. “What did you say?”
“I told him to screw himself. Not kill himself.” Y/N says defensively.
“Y/N!” Bella is hysterical.
She never meant for this to happen. “Tell me where he is and how to get there.”
“What are you gonna do?” Jacob leans in, his fingers closing around her wrist.
“I have to go,” Y/N rolls her eyes at the ridiculous nature of the situation, “save Edward.”
Jacob’s face falls into a scowl, “no, no way in hell.”
“Jake-“
“The Volturi, isn’t that some kind of vampire judge and jury situation? The ones you’re so afraid of that you can’t even tell Charlie what happened to you?” Jacob can put up with a lot, and he has. But this…
“Jacob, I know that this sucks.” Y/N pulls him away from Alice and Bella for a shred of privacy. “But it’s my fault. I have to make it right.”
“Stop blaming yourself for his shitty decisions!” Jacob roars, “it’s not your fault that he left, it’s not your fault that he didn’t come back and it’s not your fault that you told him to shove it where the sun don’t shine.”
Y/N takes step back, “please don’t.”
“Please don’t what?” Jake snarls, closing the distance between them. “Tell you the truth?”
“Please don’t hate me for what I’m about to do.” Y/N pleads, allowing his fingers to sear her skin.
“If you die…” he strokes her jaw reverently, “I’ll kill you.”
“I love you so much,” she turns into his palm and presses gentle kisses there.
Jacob lets his hand fall away as they break apart. “What do you want me to tell Charlie?”
“Last minute girls trip or something,” Y/N shrugs.
“How long will you be gone?” Jacob wants to say it back. That he loves her.
Y/N looks to Alice.
“Three days, round trip.” The pixie tells them.
Bella has already gone up to pack.
“Perfect,” Jacob acknowledges. Keeping the words to himself.
———————————————————————
The plan ride to Italy is tense. Bella hardly sleeps, she is a nervous wreck.
Alice is flooded with vision after vision as she watches Edward and the Volturi’s decisions.
Y/N plucks anxiously at the wolf charm on her wrist.
The car Alice steals is a beautiful canary yellow color. It shifts gears like butter and glides over the road.
“The Volturi refused him.” Alice says, surprise and relief in her voice.
“Should you be driving?” Y/N wonders, there’s no way she can concentrate with the future flashing before her eyes.
“You can channel for me” Alice offers. There is no time to stop.
Y/N closes her eyes, willing the visions to come to her. “He’s waiting until noon, when the sun’s at it’s highest. Then he’s going to reveal himself to the humans.”
“Alice, you gotta hurry up.” Bella pleads, tugging at the roots of her hair.
“Bella,” Alice coos, “breathe.”
Y/N opens her mind, but Edward is decided, so nothing changes. Until something unexpected appears.
Jacob. He’s seated on their living room couch, shooting the breeze with Charlie. Clearly waiting for something as his eyes flicker to the clock repeatedly. Her, Y/N realizes, he’s waiting for her.
“What did you see?”
“It wasn’t Edward, don’t worry.” Y/N drawls. Just her letting down the most important person in her life…again.
The crowd surrounding Volterra is massive, Alice cuts through as much as she can with the stolen Porsche, but eventually Bella has to make a run for it. To the clock tower at the center of the festival before Edward exposes himself in the sunlight. She is the only one Edward can’t see coming.
“So, what now?” Y/N demands.
“What did you see?” Alice asks instead.
“Doesn’t matter.” The Y/H/C shakes her head. “We can’t just sit here-“
“You saw him, didn’t you?” Alice steals a glance at her. “Jacob?”
“Does he always look so miserable in your visions,” she wonders.
“I can’t see him.” The other vampires admits, “the wolves are a blind spot.”
“Why?”
“I’m not sure.” Alice’s brows furrow, the visions are back in her own head. “We have to go.”
The two of them weave through the festival, skin covered from the sun that shines bright overhead. Finally taking shelter in a door off the alley way.
“Come on guys,” Alice pulls the scarf from her head as they enter. “Wouldn’t want to cause a scene.”
The ‘guys’ in question have glowing red eyes, their diet is strictly human blood.
Bella is against the wall, with Edward between her and the two men wearing black cloaks.
“No we certainly wouldn’t.” The shorter blonde man purrs. “Aro requests your presence.”
“Bella,” Edward addresses her, “why don’t you go back out and enjoy the festival?”
“All of you,” the larger man clarifies.
A third vampire joins them, a girl with blonde hair pulled back into a tight bun. “Aro sent me to see what’s taking so long.”
“So no festival?” Y/N cocks her head to the side.
“I’m afraid not.” The girl gives her a tight lipped grin. “Right this way.”
The four of them are led down a long corridor to a stair case, then to an elevator.
Abandon all hope ye who enter here.
Edward’s eyes, dark with thirst, cut to Y/N. Bella tucked securely beneath his arm.
‘Sorry,’ she mentally shoots back.
He turns his gaze ahead as the elevator doors open onto a checkered marble floor. The ceilings are high, adorned with paintings that put the Sistine chapel to shame.
“Don’t be afraid,” Edward whispers to Bella.
“Are you?” Bella stares up at him.
“No,” he lies.
They land at double doors, pushed open to reveal three more men, seated in high back chairs that resemble thrones.
The one in the center moves to stand, the other brunette and blonde vampires can’t be bothered.
“What a happy surprise!” The man rejoices, “Bella is alive after all. And you’ve brought a friend.”
“I’m just here for moral support.” Y/N explains, jerking her thumb at Bella, “she’s my sister.”
Aro looks her over, “welcome…”
“Y/N,” she introduces herself.
Aro steps forward then, taking Edward’s hand from Bella’s into his own.
“Aro can read every thought I’ve ever had with a single touch.” Edward tells them.
“You are quite a soul reader yourself Edward. Although you can’t hear Bella’s thoughts.” Aro remarks, “would you do me the honor?” He extends a hand to Bella.
Warily she steps forward, allowing him to encase her hand with both of his.
“How strange,” Aro pulls away after a moment. “I see nothing. I wonder if…let us see if she is immune to all our powers, Jane.”
“No,” Edward protests, jumping in front of Bella.
“Pain,” the blonde girl murmurs, a satisfied smirk spreading across her features as Edward falls to the ground. He writhes silently at Bella’s feet.
“Stop! Please.” Bella yells, “stop hurting him.”
Aro watches her in fascination, allowing the torture to continue for a moment. “Jane.”
“Master?” The girl says.
Edward relaxes with a grunt.
“Go ahead my darling,” Aro motions to Bella.
“This might hurt just a little,” Jane warns.
But Bella feels nothing.
“Remarkable.” Aro marvels, “she confounds us all. So, what do we do with you now?”
“She knows too much, she’s a liability.” The blonde man on the right croons, from his chair.
“That’s true.” Aro replies, “Felix.”
“No,” Edward flips Bella behind him, having read his thoughts.
Alice seen Aro’s decision to have Bella killed.
And Y/N catches on quickly enough. Stepping in front of her sister.
Alice is restrained by the short blonde haired guard and Edward is wrestling with the larger vampire, which eventually leaves Edward on the ground.
Y/N’s never engaged in combat, but fight or flight is still a thing. She’s stronger and faster than anyone in the room, perks of being a newborn. She uses it to her advantage.
Fending off every attack the guard throws at her. But she is wreckless, untrained in her youth. Eventually she is restrained, with a hand at her throat.
The exchange gives Edward enough time to recover, he comes back swinging. For Bella. Anything for her.
Felix is strong. Edward is going to lose and her sister is going to die.
Y/N does the only thing she can do, “pain.”
The large man twists inhumanly at the crippling pain coursing through him.
Aro’s mouth sits slightly agape, watching in wonder as Edward returns to his feet.
“Call him off and I’ll stop,” Y/N jerks her chin toward Felix.
“Let us discuss this in a civilized manner.” Aro tries to defuse the situation.
“Tell your men to stop trying to kill my sister,” Y/N tosses the guard’s hand from her neck. “Then we discuss.”
“Felix, stand down.” Aro orders.
Y/N releases the man from her clutches, hearing him struggle to regain composure.
“You have the most peculiar scent.” Aro comments, “come.” He holds a hand out, “let me see.”
Y/N steps toward him, allowing his palm to rest under hers.
His eyes fall closed as he weaves through the facets of her memories. From birth to death and after life. “Ahh,” Aro coos.
Y/N resists the urge to pull away.
“Your gift is…untouched.” The things she could do, if only- “I can teach you.”
“Let my sister go,” Y/N repeats.
“So young, so much control.” Aro remarks. “To have resisted her blood twice within the first year. You are magnificent.” He smiles, drunk on the idea of harnessing the power she possesses. “You could join us.”
“I have someone waiting for me.” Y/N declines the offer.
“The child of the moon.” Aro recalls the boy from her mind. Dark hair, bright smile, “you love him impossibly so, against everything in your nature. It makes my heart ache.”
“Consorting with a werewolf?” Caius rushes to his feet. “Our sworn enemy?”
“This is different brother,” Aro stops him. If only he earns the young vampire’s trust, all that power will be his. “They have no qualms with us, nor each other. Misfortune has befallen them, much like our young friends Bella and Edward. This is a sadness.”
“You already know what you’re going to do, Aro. Let us be done with this.” Marcus motions dismissively.
“If only it were your intention to change her.” Aro addresses Edward now.
“Bella will be one of us.” Alice interrupts, “I’ve seen it. I’ll change her myself.”
Aro steps away from Y/N, to where Alice stands. Whatever she shows him must be proof enough. They’re free to go. For now.
———————————————————————-
The plane ride home is awkward. Both better and worse that the flight there.
“Thank you, for what you did.” Edward breaks the silence, as Bella sleeps peacefully against his shoulder. “Only it wasn’t smart. Aro has taken interest now, he’ll try to win you over.”
“Better men have tried.” Y/N turns her nose up at the idea, and him.
“I’m not going to push for your forgiveness. Or hers.” He looks over at Bella, “I’m going to earn it.”
“Sure.” The Y/H/C crosses her arms, “holding my breath.”
“Good thing you don’t need air.” Edward cracks a smile.
“Can you not pick my brain right now? I need to think.” Y/N tries to refocus. “Alone.”
“Jacob will forgive you.” Edward ignores her comment.
“Jacob always forgives me.” She whispers, “I want to deserve it this time.”
Edward nods in understanding. “I’ll leave you to your thoughts.”
If he hears anything else he doesn’t comment on it. Falling into a comfortable silence.
Y/N is largely on autopilot until they make it home.
Charlie rushes out onto the porch at the sound of a car engine. “There you are.”
“Hi, Dad.” Y/N steps up to hug him.
Charlie kisses the top of her head, returning the embrace. “Jacob said it was a girls trip.” He’s not thrilled to see Edward.
“It was supposed to be,” Y/N pulls away. “He surprised us.”
“She does look better though, doesn’t she?” Charlie notes, seeing Bella.
“Yeah,” as much as Y/N hates to admit it, she agrees.
“Go on. He’s been waiting for ya.” Charlie nods toward the house. “I’m gonna have a word with Edward.”
“Ok,” Y/N takes the stairs two at a time. “Don’t be too hard on him though.” She calls after her father. “He’s been through hell too.”
Charlie squints at her, hoping she will elaborate but knowing she won’t.
“Honey, I’m home.” Y/N sings into the living room.
Jacob doesn’t say a word. Just makes his way to her and wraps her up in his arms. Inhaling the scent at the crook of her neck, deeply. “Never thought I’d miss your stink.”
Y/N takes a whiff of her own. “The wet dog and earthy tones are starting to smell like home.”
“Yeah.” He feels it too.
“Can I ask you something?” She murmurs against his shoulder.
“Sounds like a loaded question already.” Jacob can hear it in her voice.
“How much of you staying here is because of the imprint? How much of it is your soul needing mine? And how much of it is just Jake?”
“I guess I-“ he breaks off. “I’ll never really know for sure. But I think the Jacob I’ve been my whole life would stay. Imprint Jacob would have no choice but to please you. And my soul just wants to be close to yours, anyway it can.”
“Do you ever wish you could un-imprint?” If that’s even a word. “I hate the thought of you chipping away parts of yourself…to please me.”
Jacob nuzzles her forehead with his own. “I’m lucky that I got to imprint on someone who loves me. Someone I didn’t have to change for. Being with you is easy, like breathing.”
“I want to give you more than I take.” Y/N tells him.
“I can feel you,” heart and soul, “how much you love me.”
“You can,” the vampire tenses, “feel me?”
“I know how guilty you feel for leaving, how scared you are that you’ll have to do it again.” Jacob places her hand over his heart. “I’ll wait.”
“You shouldn’t have to,” she argues. “You’re already giving away too much.”
“Stop beating yourself up. I can handle you. Have little faith.”
“I have faith in you.” That was never the problem.
“Give yourself some credit too.” He taps her chin, “quit brooding.”
“I’ll try.”
“Good,” Jacob holds Y/N at arms length, “now tell me everything. What’d I miss on the trip of a lifetime?”
“Well Alice stole a car.” She starts with the fun part. “Porsche I think, crazy fast. You would’ve loved it.”
———————————————————————-
The night they return from Italy, Bella insists that her mortality be put up for a vote. The Cullens gather around the staircase in their home, calling for Y/N and Jacob as well.
“You are part of this family, Y/N.” Carlisle rests a hand on her shoulder. “Jacob is your mate. Bella is your sister. You have a say in this.”
Jacob votes no.
Y/N votes not to vote. Only expressing her opinion based on her own experience. “I know what it feels like to have your choices taken away. I won’t do it to you.”
Life goes on. Y/N visits the reservation often. Like Jacob promised, everyone is coming around.
Graduation is right around the corner. Bella is waiting until after to become a vampire. Hoping it’ll be easier on Charlie.
He’s definitely not going to let it go a second time. He’ll demand answers that they won’t be able to give. They’ll have to leave. All of them.
Billy can see how much Y/N is wrestling with the decision. “In your heart you know that this is the best thing for everyone. Why are you hellbent on torturing yourself?”
“I’m not,” she shakes her head.
“You and Jake will get each other through.” Billy isn’t worried about that.
“What about my Dad?” He’ll be devastated.
Billy sighs, resting a hand on her shoulder. “What’d you want me to say kid?”
“Give me another choice.” She covers his fingers with her own.
“You having a pity party without me?” Jacob catches them, leaning heavily against the doorframe of his childhood kitchen.
“You were sleeping.” Y/N sniffs, breaking away from Billy. “I made you breakfast. Pancakes, French toast, eggs, bacon, sausage and-“
“And?” Jacob perks up.
“Chocolate chips muffins for dessert.”
“You’re trying to butter me up, huh?” Jacob grins, making his way to the breakfast table. “It’s working. Just give it to me straight.”
“I’ll leave you to it,” Billy excuses himself.
“The Cullens are having a graduation party for Bella.” Y/N watches the wolf take a bit of food from each dish.
“Just Bella?” Jacob arches a brow.
She huffs, reaching into her bag for the formal invite.
‘Congrats Grad!’
‘Please join us to celebrate, Alice, Jasper, Bella, Edward, Y/N and Jacob.’
‘R.S.V.P. To Alice or Esme Cullen.’
“Wow,” Jacob takes it all in. “They shouldn’t have.”
“They gave them to half of Forks high school.” Y/N explains, “most of my senior class remembers you as my hot boyfriend from a different school.”
“I am your hot boyfriend from a different school.” There is no denying it.
Y/N bites her lip. “They gave me a handful of invites for you too. If you want…”
“Really trying to push the whole ‘happy family’ agenda.” Jacob takes the stack of envelopes.
“It’ll only get worse if we indulge them.”
“In a few months they’ll be the only people we know.” Jacob reminds her. “Should probably get used to it.”
Y/N nods, turning her gaze out the window. “The younger we start out in a new place the longer we get to stay.”
“So high school again.” Jacob laughs humorlessly. “Can’t wait.”
“I want to stay in Forks.” Y/N forces out the words. “I want to stay with my Dad.”
“Baby,” Jacob breathes. That’s one thing he can’t give her.
“But it doesn’t matter what I want. Bella has to turn. We have to move on.” Y/N squares her shoulders. “Just let me sulk a little.”
“Sulk away, beautiful.” Jacob takes a bite of scrambled eggs. “Just pass the salt first.”
Series Taglist: @remembered-license @itscheybaby
Part 6
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