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phoenixyfriend · 4 years

Text

The Naruto/Frozen Crossover

So I was planning on just doing an image ID thing for this post, but apparently the formatting on desktop is such a mess that it’s easier to just make a new post that’s text only. I can also like. Bulletpoint it so that it can be a little neater. All ideas were made with @firebirdeternal‘s help, because they are the most efficient enabler I have.

Also I added some bits at the end.

Under a cut, because it’s Long As Heck.

I originally had two options: either Mid-teens Elsa and Anna being transported to ninja land sometime pre-canon and running into Haku and Zabuza... or just like. Born as a Daimyou's daughters.

Spoiler alert, we’ve got nukenin and I’m a sucker for an intrusive crossover, so transported to ninja land it is.

Suggestion from Birdie:

Mechanism for crossover: Elsa ices over a Wishing Well by accident after having Wished for someone else who understood her, Anna and her fall in and get Ice Mirror Portaled to Ninjaland, falling out of an iced over pond near a shrine that Haku recently prayed at for similar lonely child reasons?

Which I like! They don’t end up there soon enough to run into Haku, because I want a dramatic chase first, but I like it.

Obviously, Anna is forced to learn about Elsa's powers because it's the only thing keeping them safe

Or at least alive

(Elsa will do ANYTHING to keep Anna safe, and if that means she has to get her hands dirty...)

...neither of them knows Japanese, so, you know. There’s that.

I'm thinking that they end up in/near Kiri at first

And they aren't FAST ENOUGH to get away so Elsa panic-enchants a giant reindeer made of snow to run away across the suddenly-frozen ocean.

She and Anna have to ride and Elsa is probably crying the whole time.

Oh shit this is like. RIGHT after their parents die, I forgot. So that’s a thing! They are in mourning and all that fun stuff.

Point is, they use the powers for a Self Defense thing and BBY Haku is just !!! "Master can we rescue them for Ice Cousin reasons?" Zabuza: Yes, and only for those practical reasons and not because I collect endangered children like people collect pokemon cards.

I imagine that maybe they track rumors of a Yuki-onna down, or the Giant Snow Reindeer rides by and Haku’s just like Wat

The girls just tag along with Zabuza because. Like.

Do they like him? No. Do they trust him? No. Do they enjoy the fact that he considers them pathetic civilians? No.

However, Haku is Baby.

Zabuza is REALLY annoyed at them being Useless Civilian Royals “but Haku likes them so I guess they can stay.”

Age at meeting, three years pre-canon:

Zabuza - 23

Elsa - 18

Anna - 15

Haku - 12

Elsa is 90% anxiety/depression master combo BUT if Zabzua protects her then she's WILDLY dangerous so like. Whatever

Elsa's bingo book nickname options, uninspired:

Winter Witch

Winter Queen

Ice Queen

Snow Queen

Something about a Yuki-Onna maybe

She's Very Stately and kinda breakable but Winter is her Bitch

I mean like, the fact that, if protected, she can shut down the agriculture of a fucking country? That's an S-rank even if she's not that useful in a fight.

She's like. Jinchuuriki-level destruction. Generally speaking she wouldn’t. But she could.

Elsa: What the fuck is a chakra? Elsa: my snow monsters are self-sustaining. Elsa: I'm gonna build us a house.

Zabuza has NO idea how her powers work and it is INCREDIBLY frustrating but “there’s no chakra cost to keep these things going and we have shelters on demand” is too convenient to question after a while.

Haku: Delicate, deadly, incredibly fast ninja work. Elsa: I can't dodge a kunai but watch me wreck your entire country's ecosystem in under a day.

Elsa is a siege weapon.

Meanwhile, Anna is really, really into the physicality of ninja practice.

She's clumsy and she's not very good at ninja stuff, but she sure is determined!

Anna also gets on Zabuza's nerves because she keeps insisting that Haku get to be a kid.

Anna: Let's make flower crowns! Zabuza: No, he needs to train, not- Anna: FLOWER CROWNS

Consider: Haku saying Elsa-nee-sama and Anna-hime.

Or just calling Elsa “onee-sama.”

Anna is also younger than Elsa and way more Fun so she probably gets adjusted to Anna-chan or Nee-chan.

If Zabuza calls Elsa “Hime-chan” or “Elsa-hime” or, Sage forbid, “Elsa-sama/dono” then he’s VERY MUCH making fun of her and he’s probably getting his soup frozen that night.

At one point, Elsa... tries to like. Convince herself to have a crush on Zabuza or Kakashi or something until Zabuza just puts a hand on her shoulder and asks "do you even like men?" "...that's an OPTION?"

Zabuza urging her to try and ask out a Cute Kunoichi and Elsa's like.... I can't decide if she's bright red and a useless lesbian or uncomfortable and ace.

I am SO invested in the siege weapon thing.

SHE IS THE SQUISHIEST WIZARD.

It's not her fault that every single other combatant on the continent is Massively Dangerous in melee! She took a very traditional back-line build!

Enemy: Doesn't it GRATE to protect someone so pathetic, Zabuza? Zabuza: She literally froze an entire castle of enemies to death because they harmed her sister, so. No.

Most Ninjas: Sharp Knife. S-Rank Mega Ninjas: Gun. Elsa: High Yield Explosive Rocket Launcher. Literally loses fights to the Knife People, because she can't bring her power to bear on that scale. But if you can give her Time and Prep? No contest.

Long distance AoE

Like you know how Nagato is literally dying of starvation due to illness and can't walk, but he's also capable of leveling powerful villages more or less on his own?

Elsa is the same Vibe.

It’s like sealing a bijuu in a civilian.

She's honestly both more and less powerful? Like it'd be hard for her to kill everyone in Konoha in the snap of a finger? But also, she could starve out the Country of Fire in a summer.

She WOULDN'T, but she could.

I always read Elsa as gay or ace but my brain keeps trying to ship her with dude ninjas and I have to yank it back on a child leash.

People insinuate that Zabuza is interested in Elsa and he's just "What? Ew she's like five."

"I'm eighteen."

"Five."

BUT

Elsa! Might mistake trust and companionship for a crush!

I can see THAT happening despite gay/ace.

Also like. I don’t think Zabuza is straight.

So mlm/wlw solidarity?

And Haku is probs genderqueer.

So Anna is THE TOKEN STRAIGHT.

Anna is like, the Straight Friend who will go to the mat for her queer friends. Like vicious. In-your-face barking like a mean dog at people who were being bigots.

You know how Elsa in the second movie uses her powers to make toys for kids out of ice?

Okay, so her practicing by making things with Haku.

But yeah, Elsa can't really do "throws ice senbon," but she can do Delicate Geometry Things since she apparently, canonically studies math for fun and loves fractals.

Haku: I can trap you in a prison of ice mirrors, and you are at my mercy. Elsa: LOOK AT THIS CASTLE I MADE???

Haku wants to do Pretty Things like Elsa

OH.

Elsa makes... snow bunnies..

For the ninja distraction reasons but also because it's a Soft Thing that makes her feel better about, uh, everything. And Haku likes bunnies.

Zabuza still takes The Dirty Missions but Elsa gets upset when he does something that hurts innocents and Nobody wants Elsa upset. Even Zabuza doesn't want Elsa upset.

When Elsa gets upset, overnight accommodations are suddenly Very Uncomfortable for everyone except her and Haku.

And then Anna gets upset, which makes Elsa even MORE upset.

And then things just keep getting colder.

Zabuza doesn't want Elsa upset for many reasons, not limited to: "Is actually capable of killing me from outside of Sword Range if she's mad enough, even if it’s not that easy" and "the Small Children would be unbearably sad if she died and honestly so might I."

She's more of a friend than a ward and he's not entirely sure he's okay with that.

Zabuza: "Ew, friendship."

He has absolutely no idea how to have a social interaction with people he isn't Bullying, Raising, or Threatening to Kill.

Elsa and Anna have no trouble convincing people they're related, at least. Different coloration with almost identical bone structure.

A tendency to burst into song when they feel emotions.

Identical weird accent that nobody can place.

FOOD

The girls are royalty, they don't know how to COOK.

But they also want food from HOME.

It's a lot of trial and error.

More error than not, since they have both no knowledge and also a language barrier to overcome. It probably takes YEARS before they can describe things like Unfamiliar Flavors well enough for people to say "OH that sounds like spearmint."

When they run into something they know that’s familiar, it’s life-changing.

Chocolate is more common in the elemental nations than in Arandelle and Anna may or may not cry about it.

Anna is loudly bossy, even at Zabuza.

Zabuza is gruffly commanding, to everyone.

Elsa doesn't actually like being in charge, but when she talks, people LISTEN.

(Haku is just happy to be here.)

Elsa radiates two things: Anxiety, and Natural Command, and she basically just fluctuates between those.

"I don't want to be in charge but also I'm vetoing this."

So, obviously, the main reasons that Zabuza keeps the girls around is that Elsa is a living siege weapon and he thinks she could be convinced to help him run a revolution in Kiri, and also that the Ice Queen schtick is like. Really good for Haku and Zabuza can’t really say no to the kid.

HOWEVER, Anna is clumsy and messy and all that, so Zabuza starts training her in Ninja stuff. Elsa joins in on the “I need to know how to Run Fast to get away from fights I don’t want to have in the first place,” but Anna’s the one that’s like “TEACH ME HOW TO SWORD.”

It’s honestly not that hard to teach her, she’s just really, really, REALLY enthusiastic.

Once or twice someone asks why she’s so bad at this yet running around with an A-rank nukenin and Zabuza’s just like “I’ve only had her for a year and a half, shut up!” because it’s not that he’s a bad teacher, it’s that she was a very pampered civilian until like a week before he met her.

He should get a MEDAL for even getting her to low Chuunin.

Zabuza: I'm taking a job from Gato Elsa, who has Training in economics and politics and bureaucracy: I have a better idea.

This is actually not entirely what I’d do but I wanted to make the joke first ANYWAY here’s an actual plot or something.

Oh, also by this point everyone is Canon Ages so Elsa’s 21 and Anna’s 18 and Zabuza’s 26 and Haku’s 15.

Elsa is getting paid to keep the water from interfering with construction, by way of....

ICE COFFERDAM

Elsa with Haku as her Guard while Zabuza is off running his own mission? Which Anna begged to go on because Cool.

Elsa also kind of keeps her involvement on the ice front semi-secret by claiming she’s there as an engineering consultant.

LISTEN canon made her like geometry, I can ENTIRELY believe she’d be excited about the bridge-building.

Gato has hired someone else on the danger level of Zabuza, who is Threatening to Team 7 + Haku? But then when things look bleak Anna and Zabuza arrive and then Scary Sword Man is on our side and oh dear that's a lot of blood.

Which, you know, fun!

Birdie suggested Raiga which I’m not feeling but I do feel the need to bring up as an option.

It’s also not Kisame BUT

Kisame: [giant lake dome filled with sharks]

Elsa: uhhhhhhhhhhh...

Giant lake dome: [is now a giant ice dome]

Anyway

Gato: I'm hiring an army. Elsa: [giant ice wall around his compound] Gato: ... these guys can walk up walls! Elsa: [adds snowman guards] Elsa: ... Elsa: [adds a ceiling]

Just puts Gato's entire mob in a fucking snow globe.

Zabuza shows up twenty minutes late with (Throwing) Star(buck)s just like "Oh, they dead? No? Want 'em to be? Okay cool I'm gonna go pick up Haku, I'll be back in like an hour."

Anna would... LOVE Naruto

ENERGETIC FRIENDLY GOOFBALL

"I found us a baby brother!" "No, we already have Haku." "BUT LOOK AT HIM."

Anna is only a year or two older than Itachi.

OH RIGHT

I wanted to make a joke about how Naruto also vibes with her because he's less judgmental that she can't really... talk properly.

Sasuke is Judgy and Kakashi is Paranoid and Sakura is Uncomfortable.

Meanwhile Naruto is just like "And I Shall Scream."

Anna, who learned Japanese from Zabuza (rude) and Haku (uber polite): WELL FUCK YOU, GOOD SIR Naruto: YEAH WELL FUCK YOU TOO, LADY Elsa, overly formal: I am... so very sorry.

Anyway, generic missing nin fights and all that.

Elsa gets injured in the process and after a variety of arguments, Naruto manages to convince them to take her to Konoha for medical attention.

Elsa is... usually the one getting injured.

Zabuza and Haku are FAST and Anna is at least learning (even if she’s only been doing it for three years), but Elsa is The Squishy Wizard.

If someone throws a kunai... she can’t... really dodge...

So yeah, gut wound.

Normally they find a nukenin medic to patch them up but Konoha is reasonably close and has some of the more skilled medics on the continent and they DID technically help the Konoha nin so like. Gah.

That’s Zabuza’s final thought. Gah.

Just “Fuck it, let’s save the ice queen.”

Elsa ends up in a half-literal-ice stasis state on the way there and it’s happened before (it is not the first time she’s been stabbed), but it’s always terrifying.

Especially to the Konoha genin who are just like WHAT THE HECK IS THAT.

So they get to Konoha, there’s a whole bunch of stuff about extradition treaties and “you are bringing a literal WMD of a woman into our town” and “we can’t just let MOMOCHI ZABUZA in.”

Anyway, it ends up being that Zabuza has to wait outside the village while Elsa is treated inside, and one of the Teenagers goes in. Obviously, it’s Anna, because Zabuza is INCREDIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE with letting Haku enter a village that’s known for having lots of bloodlines, and anyway, Anna’s the sister.

Bunch of stuff, she’s healing, etc, and then one day Anna comes in and is told “your sister had a bad reaction to the anesthetic, we couldn’t save her, I’m sorry, she’s gone.”

She flips out, gets shown the corpse, flips out MORE, gets escorted out to the village walls where Zabuza and Haku are waiting.

Horrified reactions

Zabuza doesn’t want to admit that it’s EMOTIONS because this is his FRIEND, he is clearly just upset about losing the living siege weapon.

Haku is just super confused and goes “But she’s not dead.”

“What.”

“She’s not dead, I can feel her, I can always feel her, it’s like sensing but just her, because we’re both ice. She’s alive, somewhere over... there?”

And points right in the direction of the Hokage Mountain, which for the purposes of this fic and also Drama is where ROOT headquarters is.

YEP we absolutely have that plot point.

Is Danzo overused as a plot device? Probably. Am I going to diabolus ex machina him anyway? Ye.

They kick up enough of a fuss that the Hokage gets called down.

He wouldn’t, normally, he’d leave it to a couple of skilled jounin and call it a day, except Naruto got involved so like. You can’t. Ignore that.

There’s lots of shouting.

Just like. A lot.

And then part of the mountain explodes!

AS ONE DOES

Elsa comes flying backwards out of the hole, catches herself on a spontaneous ice slide, gets to her feet.

Girl is swaying like MAD.

There are absolutely ANBU (both fake and real) coming after her.

At least one of them gets speared through by an ice spike.

Anna runs up to her, tries to hug her, gets batted away.

Elsa’s staring at her in sheer TERROR and starts muttering something about how Anna died years ago, this isn’t real, etc.

Nobody except Anna understands most of it, but Haku picks up enough to translate when Anna’s freaking out.

Elsa starts doing her Ice Castle thing in the middle of Konoha as a coping mechanism, mostly so she can get Up and Away and Shielded By Ice.

This is not a good look.

Especially because she’s singing, which Zabuza always thinks is a bad omen because it means shit is getting real and one or both of the girls are about to get a powerup or be beaten even harder than otherwise. When they start singing, things get More Dramatic And Extreme).

(Zabuza does not like Disney Musical Rules)

Danzo shows up.

There’s a bunch of arguing.

All the medics insist that nothing she was given at the hospital should have caused amnesia, psychosis, hallucinations, delusions, etc.

It’s. Not hard for Hiruzen to guess what happened.

Namely that Danzo, upon finding out that chakra dampeners didn’t do shit since none of Elsa’s powers come from chakra, decided to keep her drugged up and start using genjutsu to make her more malleable.

Because like. An injured WMD just showed up in your village. What are you supposed to do, not try to kidnap her and turn her to your side? Like, come on. What was he supposed to do?

Not that, Danzo. Literally Not That.

IDK how it gets resolved, probably Anna getting to her with the power of love, because Elsa is ultimately Super Disney.

I also don’t really know where to go from there other than “Maybe Jiraiya can get you home, but also I’m pretty sure Zabuza wants you all to get the hell out of here and take over Kiri” but who knows.

Also

IMAGINE ELSA MEETING GAI.

Imagine Ino getting a puppy crush on Elsa.

IDK that’s it for now.

#Frozen #Naruto #Momochi Zabuza #Yuki Haku #Zabuza #Haku #mini fic #Phoenix Babbles #Crossovers #Phoenix Posts

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painfog · 4 years

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Hey so I saw you mention top surgery and was curious. I was supposed to be having top surgery this summer but that’s postponed. I was curious how that went with chronic pain? I’m scared about the surgical binder with my fibro and back pain. Any advice or info would be greatly appreciated!! (You can answer privately if you prefer)

ive actually been meaning to write up a big post on this pretty much since i had top surgery but still haven't got around to it yet so I'm happy to talk about it lol. ill go over stuff now n still aim to do a more in depth post later when im on my laptop (but writing this now bc i tend to forget everything haha). ill stick to the more fibro / chronic illness specific stuff & stuff i wasnt expecting rather than rehashing everything. apologies im on mobile so i cant put this under a cut

firstly, im sorry ur surgery got postponed! i know that must be gutting, so i hope it gets rescheduled asap & the time until then passes easily for u ❤️

I had double incision with free nipple grafts on the 4th of september 2019 with Mr Miles Berry at the london wellbeck hospital. i think he did an amazing job and can't recommend him enough for his work! i think the last pics i took of my chest were for tdov, and ill rb them after i post this for reference. i didnt have drains at any point of the surgery

for ppl with fibro, i was told that the pain after surgery either tends to trigger a flareup, or be really easily manageable, and it's hard to predict which it will be beforehand. its best to prepare for a flareup and be pleasently surprised if u dont get one. for me, i had a flareup that sucked but wasnt too bad as far as flareups go

you'll probably get given painkillers. take them regularly. it's easier to treat pain preemptively. if u don't get given them (no idea how it works outside of the uk) id say def get codine and paracetamol. u can't take ibuprofen for a while

i woke up from aneasthetic freezing cold + in a lot of pain. apparently most ppl dont need the full dose of morphine, but i did. after that it was a bit better. i was just So Goddamn Hungry literally it's all i was talking about

that night in hospital was probably one of the most uncomfortable in my life. you have to sleep sitting up for like blood reasons, so my back pain was quite bad bc of it. moving around a bit and adjusting pillows helped. if u have anything that normally helps ur back pain bring it with u to the hospital, & dont be afraid to ask the nurses for help with it (even if they can just adjust ur pillows for u). i couldnt rly sleep much but distraction helps. bring ur phone + headphones. i did a few ask memes when i couldnt sleep

the first week from surgery was rly tough, the first few days especially. this was bc i still had to sleep elevated for a few days and i couldnt get comfortable. i was too exhausted to do anything but couldn't sleep and it rly started to get me down. then i got some sleeping tablets (just nytol) and that helped so much. i literally cannot recommend it enough bc the not sleeping properly made everything hard (and like esp because with fibro the whole pain/fatigue/depression cycle is so real). once i started sleeping better recovery became a lot easier, and the tablets made the awkward sleeping positions more manageable. if i had to give only one bit of advice this would be it

on that note, ik everyone says this but do get a V pillow. it helps u adjust to sleeping on ur back and if u sleep on ur side normally it means u can like lean slightly sideways on it which makes it sm easier. also this isn't even top related but they make good back pillows when ur watching stuff in bed even now

get urself some video games (if ur into them) and easy entertainment shows lined up for when u wanna have them. recovering from major surgery makes ur fatigue even more pronounced so ur not going to be able to do all that much, but having light entertainment ready to go stops u getting as bored. its also a good excuse to finally play/watch the things you've been meaning to for a while

go outside when u can. if u have a garden just walk around it. it helps with a lot of stuff, and idk about u but i always forget how much it does. even just helping u sleep better if u get trapped in a fibro fatigued-but-can't-sleep cycle. and it goes so far helping u feel human in the first week

the first week is rly hard for a lot of ppl - its frustrating to have all that pain and exhaustion and not being able to wash or change the binder, and with the swelling and bandages under the binder it doesn't really feel like there's much change, which all sort of adds together. i keep going on about this week bc it helps to mentally prepare for it - there's no need to dread it, you just need to remind urself how worth it itll all be and that the rest of recovery is a lot better than the first part, and in time it won't have seemed that bad. big picture stuff

when u get the chest reveal, everything's better. i didnt stop smiling. and when u put the post op binder on afterwards, without all the bandaging, u like feel for the first time how much flatter u are??? and its amazing. even with the swelling. and then u get to shower and u feel human again and its great. (ik some ppl have their post ops/chest reveals much earlier than a week, but 5 days to a week is pretty standard in the uk. mine was 6 days i think)

more post op binder stuff: i got given 2. the first one i woke up in after the surgery and wasn't allowed to take off until my post op, and the second one i got given at my post op to change into after i showered. After that i alternated every few days. whatever u get given, if u get less than 2 i recommend getting another one so u can alternate them (if u want help sourcing them hmu. ive also still got mine i need to give away)

the post op binders were actually a lot easier to wear full time than normal binders. they were like more stretchy, and stretchy the full way round (bc they dont have the compression bit at the front). i used to sleep in my normal binder every time i slept with my ex, and that hurt like a motherfuck sometimes. the post op binder was much kinder to my ribs

i had to wear the post op binder full time, taking it off like once a day to shower n let my chest breathe (and massage my scars once i started that). some surgeons arent that strict abt wearing it that long, but it really helps swelling, & bc i didnt have drains it was rly important to stop fluid buildup. ik quite a few guys in my trans groups who stopped wearing their binder fairly early and then got quite a lot of swelling so i didn't want to risk it & i wore it for the full 6 weeks. at some point (icr when but maybe at 6 weeks? bc my post op was at 8 weeks bc he was on holiday) i didnt wear it during the day and only wore it at night

all in all the binder didnt bother me that much. it was more comfortable than my regular binders and i just kinda got on with it. it was annoying tho and i was glad when i could stop wearing it. for me the most annoying part was that it was a full length binder (i always wore half length before) and the riding up at the hips was rly irritating. i actually quite liked sleeping with it tho it was a pretty nice pressure stim ahah

some post op binders r more comfortable than others. if u have to buy ur own, i rly suggest going with a proper surgical one (they arent too hard to find second hand for free or cheap, again im happy to help here) bc they're kinder to chronic pain. i know that having a comfortable post op binder made it all a lot easier for me. there are also lots of alternatives w lots of price ranges tho, so that's not ur only option

ok i think thats everything right now! sorry its so long, but let me know if u have any questions!!

finally: before i got top ppl told me that its honestly life changing, and i didnt realise how true that would be. literally every single aspect of my life is at least partially better because of it, and most of them drastically so. I'm really excited for you to get that for yourself, and im wishing u all the best for it 💕

#and like i said ill post a more complete version at some point when i have time and my laptop #but dw that one ill be able to put under a cut #asks #long post #top surgery #fibromyalgia #is there a tag for chronically ill trans ppl?? i feel like there should be the venn diagram is pretty chunky #medical //#also its 2am as im writinf this lmao sorry if it doesnt make sense

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shhhhyoursister · 5 years

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Hey what are you favourite davenzi scenes/moments and what are your favourite Matteo scenes/moments? Hope you’re well!

okay okay okay this has been in my inbox for a lil while and i feel like ive been building up to it but im going to watch some clips and gather some thoughts.....i asked @theyellowcurtains to give me a number limit for each and he said 3 so im gonna do 3 of each otherwise id just write a frame by frame analysis of all of season 3 (im so sorry for how long this post is i have so many thoughts all the time)

im gonna start with matteo moments and im gonna list the season/episode/clip just for clarity okay?? okay (im doing matteo moments that dont include david because i have to go off about that later on)

1. s3ep10cl2- okay okay so the morning after clip is perfect in every single way and i could go off about it for years but beyond all of the davenzi stuff there is the moment when matteo leaves davids room and hes wearing the gray sweater, when laura is dancing??? which is also iconic all on its own but im talking specifically about matteo here, so you know he sits down on that stool thing and hes smiling SO big and hes blushin really hard and then laura sees him and they LAUGH??? and then he claps for her???? if i had to pick id absolutely say that that whole sequence is my fave matteo moment and also kind of interesting and makes me think about the fact that matteo is definitely very shy and quiet but he also has that like,, brat confidence?? i could make an entire post about that but ANYWAY yeah that is the fucking best matteo moment hes so cute and nervous but also totally fine being obvious about the fact that him and david fucked which i think is hilarious but i digress and i MUST move on

2. s3ep8cl2- i do have to say that while im not a HUGE fan of the explanation the video he watched gave of like,, what being trans is, im really glad they included this clip?? like its so obvious that matteo wants to talk to david but doesnt really know what to say, and i love that his first instinct was to start looking stuff up?? like if i was into a cis guy and he told me that he didnt really know about trans stuff but he did RESEARCH?? like thats just really sweet and shows that he really fucking loves david already and just wants to be more informed about what hes,, not to say signing up for but i cant think of a better phrase but yall know what i mean ya know??? its just very very sweet of him!!!!!

3. s3ep8cl4- i think people know about my deep love for hans so of course this clip is going to be one of my favorites?? im going to narrow it down a bit though because the part of this clip that hit me the fucking hardest was when hans asks “what do you like about him?” because the way matteo reacts is just?? so sweet?? at first he looks a little unsure but then when hans repeats himself matteo licks his lips and goes “well, i love his smile” like????? is that not the cutest fucking shit?? he literally swoons and collapses back into the chair cause hes probably imagining it and then he goes off about it being “beautiful” with david and im sure hans is trying not to cry?? and hans ending it with “thats the only thing that really matters, everything else is secondary” and matteo going “thats true” and then laughing a little bit?? i feel like that whole thing was a bit of a turning point for matteo and wow i am,,, so emotional about it

oh my god im so sorry im going off but im about to go off more cause,,, im gonna talk about davenzi moments now

1. s3ep10cl1- okay im just gonna start strong even though i feel like everyone talks about this clip i REALLY wanna talk about it because??? the fact that they showed a fucking sex scene between a trans boy and a gay cis boy is still so fucking iconic and legendary?? while this whole season really changed my life, this scene in particular is so.......it just feels so good to see. like its so nice watching that and seeing someone who looks like me ya know?? not that i look like david god i wish i was that lucky but like,, someone wearing a binder?? someone whos body looks more like mine than any other trans rep ive seen?? and seeing that body being portrayed as DESIRABLE??? i think thats one of the things that gets me the most is just how like,, just how much matteo is into david lol it just feels good feels organic but im gonna stop myself here before i talk for 1000 years about a less than 4min long clip lmao

2. s3ep10cl4- okay so this clip really just highlights the cute beginning flirting stages of their relationship?? like matteo doesnt want to host the party but then he sees david and smiles and then hes smiling like a fool when he hands david the beanie back and theyre both just so awkward but obviously crushing?? and he wants to keep talking so of course hes gonna bring up the time they hung out, and he looks a lil shocked after david says “it was cool with you” and then he like,, stutters through inviting him to the party cause hes probably so nervous!!! theyre both just such big losers with such BIG crushes on each other its really just the cutest fucking clip and also kinda shows that david isnt necessarily just this,, cool dude?? hes also a stuttery blushy dork with a crush?? wow wow its just such a good underrated clip WOW

3. s3ep9cl7- okay okay okay okay okay im sure there are like lenghty analyses about this clip already but i dont care because holy FUCK??? something i didnt really notice about it before was once matteo finally goes up to david hes like “are you fucking serious” but then he sees that david is fuckin spiraling so his voice gets softer and he asks him like “hey whats wrong” and its just a really good set up to the conversation?? and its nice to see that despite matteo probably being kinda angry hes mostly just worried about david?? and then matteo just lets david go OFF at him and only talks when hes trying to tell him that it isnt going to be the same as it was last time but then once he sees that david is getting angrier and louder hes like okay how am i going to get him to listen so of course matteo, the quietest boy in the world, yells back!!!! and yeah thats the thing that finally stops david from working himself up!! and matteo realizes that hes gonna need to be a lil loud and pushy to make david listen to him and then he goes back to being soft once david is paying attention to him!!! and then he talks and he says so much, like much more than he usually does at one time, and god GOD the way they did that was jsut so GOOD!!!!! and the fact that matteo, who appears to be either depressed or apathetic like 90% of the season, is the one that says i love you first??? and during such an emotional and important moment like?? like after going off about how david isnt alone and that hes really great and jsut needs to stop hiding himself away LIKE???? guys its jsut so so good its just so good i could talk for years but im gonna cut myself off here

honorable mentions cause i cant shut the fuck UP:

1. when theyre looking at davids sketchbook and david is like “these are private actually all of them are private” and matteo is like “well you already showed them to me it doesnt matter” and then he giggles like damn no question why david had such a huge crush on him immediately hes such a cutie

2. “its not a girl”

3. ill just say the whole cuddle clip?? the tender/feral dichotomy?? absolutely *chefs kiss* just fucking perfect

4. THE FIRST KISS??? also gotta say i noticed something for the first time the other night but matteo SMILES and i hadnt seen it before its right after david says “i bet i can hold my breath longer than you” and then the angle changes and he smiles before holding his breath and it killed me when i saw it whoops

5. final shout out along the same lines as ^^ that one but just?? anytime matteo smiles?? fills me with serotonin. the smile in the final clip right before david runs over to kiss him?? the smiles when hes fuckin around with the boys?? every single lil nervous crushy smile with david??? i could go on but im going to stop this now before i say any more this is already too long

#noggins #davenzi #david schreibner #matteo florenzi #matteo x david #sorry this is so long should i tag it #long reads #just in case #i just have so much to say all the time and this?? this is me holding myself back #i have so many words yall so many words

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jaykensteinn · 4 years

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to go back in time to touch your face, to feel your kiss just once more, i would if i could. i know i cant, i know i shouldnt, and i shouldnt even think about it for what we had was not love, it was poison and you were the one who made it. you planted the seed, helped it grow until it bloomed into something grand and twisted then, fed it to me and everything changed...i changed. i am happy to say i am no longer in love with you and i can feel that in every part of my body. i still have so much love for you and it saddens me sometimes because you dont deserve it after everything you done, everything you ruined, and ruining me. it took me longer than normal to forgive you, well because youre you and everything you did was too much for me to handle, but now i do forgive you even though i still have resentment towards you, and i have every right to, but i will never forget what you did. not only did you plant the seed of poison but also, anger, fear, intensities of my anxiety, depression, and panic attacks, you planted seeds that latched on and grew the issues i already had and made them worse but also you planted something new...you planted a whole new seed all together in a league of its own, and that my dear, is called trauma. yes i may have had some before but now its a different trauma, something you caused by the way, and even though everything that happened isnt on my mind 24/7 anymore its still there and it bothers me and gets to me. you made everything so much worse. i have new fears, new boundaries, more walls, less people i let in, fear of new people, limitations on love i give and when i give it and i cant control that, i cant just pretend everythings alright in front of my parents anymore and they dont really care because they just perceive me as lazy and a piece of crap and a freeloader and i cant even pretend to have energy for things anymore. pain really does change people and some people dont like the changed me and i dont care to be frank, but theres also pros to this change caused by pain, and they are that i dont just sit by and entertain people just bc they want me to, i say no more, i put myself first more, im actually going through and at least trying to process everything i missed out on and better myself and love myself, the relationship we had wasnt healthy in the slightest and it taught me a few things i dont think i will forget and even if my mind forgets my body will never forget. i hate that it took you and everything you did to change me and move me into the direction of the kind of person ive wanted to be for as long as i can remember. i never knew myself and whatever i had left i lost because of you and now im finding myself again and giving myself the love i deserve and sadly i probably cant physically love them same after you but i know i wont give up, ive tried so many times for as long as i can remember, but giving up...it isnt something i can do easily. im changed and still changing. i know how you are and you better not try anything when you see me living perfectly fine without you. as much as id like to do something to even just emotionally hurt you just a bit im not going to because i know one day youll get what you deserve.

#late night thoughts #writing #my writing #feelings #healing #broken #fear #love #hate #self love #self care #writing is my therapy #karma #i wish i never met you

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princesspuddle · 4 years

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im.nervous about tomorrow, i feel sick and sad and idk what to say tomorrow :(( no body to tell, ask, brainstorm or anything, i wish i could tell people but it just feels pointless and like weight on people. While im happy to keep it to myself im also unhappy to. I read back my old letter today and in the note section about who to go to when i need help was a name i can no longer go to help/talk to for and it made me laugh a bit, i also told them if im ever in a crisis he is the only one they can contact that i trust. And this was less that 6 months ago.. im just trying to think of my future self and that what im feelikg right now, going through and healing is all so i can be completely finenin the future.

The only times it crosses my mind is the small things id be doing in the day where id probably message him what im up to.. other than that i feel like nothings changed.. its almost more sad this way because im trying to think of how the relationship was actuallu adding anything different to my life..

Im struggling with getting tasks done right now.. the same as in the relationship

Im not getting physical attention.. i wasnt in the relationship either..

Im not inspired to be healthier in my food/excersise.. i wasnt in the relationship either

Im not super encouraged to attain personal and futute goals.. i wasnt in the relationship either.. or it felt more like that was a cursed topic.

I dont feel majorly unwanted because i didnt feel super wanted in the relationship either.. if anything, this is more uspetting me writting this right now. What has changed? I feel the same, better, most days. Now i am just having to be self reliant, like i always was. But with less depressive feelings of being in a co-partnership and not being equal supported.

It was hard and draining.. i feel like i was always giving and giving and it was being taken and taken at no consideration of my expense. Im proud of myseld because i did ALL of that and still was strong enough to push myself as well. I felt like a duplicated mother and not a girlfriend, bringing meals to his lap, asking if hes saved money, planning what we do...there wasnt much in it for me, just being taken from all the time and for the most part didnt get appreciation either.., i feel like i was the one to tell him everything, he never asked about my finances, savings together for holidays or life, even working on my website, he never asked to see, only when i completed it and showed him. My uni grades, mental state, if im eating fruit.. i get it if i was too much sometimes, but at least you had me there for you in all capacities of your life, i was truly trying to look out for you everywhere, to help everywhere, personal progress, physical health, mental health, finance, living, future plans, dates, long distance dates, calls, texts, plans when in person, fixing your forgetfulness, fixing your lateness, EVERYTHING

Im angry because if i had recieved equal and mutual support, i feel like i would have been more amazing than what ive tried already, but even now im still only dipping my toes in things, and im.imagining the feeling of being inspired by a partner, the boost in life it would give me, not having everyhting be so serious, laughing at mistakes together, taking a plunge together, and the feeling of that person trying their hardest to get themselves to a situation where they could access me easier, both of us.. even after saying you were hopeful for our future and i mentioned how id need to live close to someone, you kicked off at me and wouldnt dare consider looking outside of the city.. it hurt because i wasnt TELLING you what to do. I hoped that you would understand ina relationship you would wwnt to be close to the person.

I felt like you were just waiting for me to do everything.. i didnt feel like you were even considering the thought of living with me after my 3rd year because it would be easier for you to wait until ive figured it out and plan it. I kept thinking as soon as i finish id be the one looking for flats and trying to scramble it together so we can be close, while he sits and just lets me do 90% of the work. That vision used to make me so upset that i just wanted to grab onto any thread of feeling he would give me that he wants to live with me soon, more than a 'yes i do'.. but everytime i wanted to talk about it there came a sigh, a hastle, a tone of voice that made it sound like such a huge dent in the evening, that it was always a 'Yess YESS I GET IT' and always put off.. the time was coming really soon and i was so thinly holding onto the idea that living with me would make him see life with me differently, and it took so much for me to emotionally bear with the fact that this person could barely show an interest in any aspect of a mature life together. This person that would say they love me and truly feel connected with me and in every card would write how we would always be together.. sighed and left the conversation everytime i wanted to chat about it. I was ready to move onto the next chapter of my life with you, and while.i know you were having it rough and going through things and wanted to figure things out. I didnt see you wanting to make effort for you or me, i was in limbo on my future, i was ready to adjust and put things aside and compromise for a relationship as you should. But i was so scared of these compromises i was making at the expense of myself, for someone who wasnt making any for me.. i dont know when this started happening... i dont know if this just is your personality and i was invested in what i thought would fit for me, but it feels like all of this is because of university. That the year you left, it all went downhill, innmy eyes became severely depressed, addicted to videogames and numb to a lot of the world including me. Events happened in your life after that and it piled on top until yoi just shut off everything. I wanted to support you throigh it and im so sorry these things happened.. i know i could have dome better for you but i had to keep myself up too and i was so prepared to do that for a long while to see you get better, i was still ready until the night we split. I have spent time thinking if he finished uni would it all be different? Would he be in a job he loves? Would he have gone straight into moving out getting a car and us being happier straight away? Im confused as to if all this time i was just tryint to squeeze you into someone who would be a suitable match for me, or if you really were just having a rough time and will be happy and everything i could have wanted once you feel better and are no longer suffering?

I dont think you ever told me what you want.. i feel like from the beginning you always knew i was adventurous and a big dreamer, but you never opposed to those things or made it seem like its not the life you want, but if in fact you only dream of having a decent job, not living far from home with a few holiday a year, a small family and a homey wife then why wouldnt you make thay clear to me sooner? You never said that either so how would i know if i was pushing you too far.. even to this day i dont know what he wants.. my biggest dilemma is "hes unhappy right now and thats why he is the way he is about us, or its just the way he is and hes unhappy because im pushing my vision of us too far"

The biggest thing that hurt was the feeling of how much of a struggle it felt like to talk about living together.. thay our dream since we started dating was to be with eachoyher fulley one day.. and we got so close and i no longer felt you wanted that.. it just felt like we had been building up to this moment, part reason i came 5 hrs away from home yo uni was so i could be at one closer to you, but the uninterested tone in your voice when regards to you moving slightly out of your comfort zone to be with me hurt so weirdly like id never expect... it hurt because i keep wondering how you were going to move and live in japan for the most part of a year, but with me a bit further than your city.. its too much.. :((

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clownbeep · 5 years

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This is gonna be kinda brutal. But I want to put it into writing

Big vent/whats been going on

Hah... I guess this is like my life story or some shit...

Trigger warning ahead.. Depression and a bit of gore/suicide talk so if you are sensitive to that please, for your own sake and mental state you might not want to continue.

For those who dont want to hear a pretty dark vent, I understand.

And those who are just scrolling by feel free to scroll past. I just personally want to get this out.

If you have dealt with emotional neglect/abuse and need to know it isnt in your head this might be the post.

By writing this it feels like hopefully someone else will read this and realise certain things are NOT healthy.

If you are questioning if you are being emotionally neglected/abused (im speaking in a parental sense but even romantically or sexually) im not someone to give you answers, but the fact you are questioning it raises some red flags. In a healthy relationship you dont wonder those things.

Sorry for the long prelude but heres what I wanted to say

Ever since I was young, ive had bad ADHD, manic bipolar/depression, and sensory issues.

I was diagnosed around 13 I believe. My family (I didnt realise it then) always showed pity. Like I was some wild animal that couldnt be tamed and there was nothing they could do. Id do and say stupid attention seeking things just to try and get a shred of empathy.

My family didnt care.

When I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt regaurding pills and my liver had a chance of failing.. None of my family members cried over me. But a family friend. Someone not. Even. Related. Wept over me.

My family didnt care.

I cant say they never cared. They give me food water and luxuries like internet and a phone. For that I am grateful.

But in many other ways they have hurt me faar more than helped.

Once I got out of a short term stay in an inpatient mental facility I desperately needed contact with anyone who would care for me.

I have a younger sister, quite young probably around 7 at the time. She was a close friend of mine for that time. Id hang out with her so often to fill the gap in love it felt my family didnt give. One day I walked into the dining room and overheard my mother and father talking to my little sister. They told her to keep away because I wasnt "stable" because I was "dangerous" and could give her bad Ideas. And with one single action my only friend at the time and way to find happiness was taken away.

My family did not care.

When I stay in bed every day for months on end not knowing which day ill snap and end it all.... I get called lazy.

My family did not care

When I beg for medication to make me a functional human being they brush me off for years on end. Im losing my grip. I can barely remember things that have happened last week because I try so hard to forget everything its my automatic response to everything.

When I cant get to sleep because all of the memories come flooding back and im hit by wave after wave of horrific memories and the feeling if worthlessness... When I cant watch any videos or read posts about families because it brings on unwanted memories and emotions....

Is it me being dramatic then?

When you hear your family openly mocking and laughing about how stupid and dramatic and fake trans people are... How weird and unnatural and mentally insane these people are not knowing they are the very reason grsm and trans suicides are so high...

Am I a liar now? Am I insane?

When I tried to talk to them about my mental health issues. They took my only way of contact and made me feel like it was my own fault.

My family didnt care.

When I was nearly passed out shaking in a bathtub covered in wounds and blood all over... They showed pity, then lectured me for an hour for not telling them or for being impulsive and basically cleaned my wounds and sent me into my room.

My family didnt care.

Yes. I do agree, they cleaned my wounds, the physical side of showing care. However emotionally they were not there.

When my father drinks so heavilly every day he is home from work that he forgets half the things he tells you and can barely function.. They lecture my older sister for having a glass of wine (legal age)

They did not care.

My sister (23) tried for so many years to cling to what little attention she would get by getting good grades and going to college... She realised that it changed nothing about how my family felt toward her.... She snapped.

My family did not care.

She starves herself for a disease she does not have, she uses religion as an exuse to be one of the biggest christian extremists I personally know. Half the days she doesnt eat... Other days she burns book and gets rid of items for being demonic.

My lovely sister used to be kind and quite normal. However she couldnt find comfort in what little live her family gave. Starved for care she turned to religion to un unhealthy degree. Finding any way to keep her mind busy. Now I worry she will end up in the hospital for weighing so little.

My family did not care.

My oldest sister (27) Is married to a continuously cheating husband who she keeps letting back into her life. She was raised with a failing marrige and doesnt seem to see when she should call it quits.

Not to mention her husband has touched someone legally under the age of concent. Did she report him to the authorities? No.

All of these horrific things stemming from bad parenting. Unhealthy relationships and neglect.

Neglect emotionally can cause just as bad things as physical neglect. They are both horrifically dangerous in different ways.

These are the only big things I can remember... Basically age 15 and below are a complete blur to me and I cant remember much of it without thinking for a looong time. Even then I cant remember a lot of it... I feel like ive lost my whole damn childhood. And it hurts more than if they had just hit me or physically harmed me.

Im not underplaying physically harm. But in my personaly opinion I would rather my family have beaten me badly because at least then id have an easier way to prove to people how severe the abuse was. You can see bruises and confirm broken bones... But years of feeling completely useless and being shut off from most of the world other than the internet... It fucks you up in a way I dont think can be healed.

I dont know if I can ever love myself or... Remember things. Its terrifying to think Ill post this and a few weeks later probably not even rememner unless its brought up. Or meeting people and having conversations... And they are just... Gone.

Gone.

I suppose the biggest reason im writing this is well... In the future I dont want to forget in some ways.. I want like to be 100× as awesome knowing itll start as soon as im out of here..

If I dont have anything to compare it too then what is the point?

Ive layed out basically most of what I remember

A large amount of time I look around and nothing registers... Everything is familiar but I cant remember anything for a moment or two.. I feel like my memory is slipping so fast and im terrified.. I cant do anything to stop it and I cant make my mood be stable without the medication my family cant be bothered to get ...

I suppose this is a bit of a vent. I know its kind of everywhere and unorganized..

If im honest.. Tumblr is the only place where people have given me a home I wish I had..

I came out as trans here... Everyone was so damn supportive.. I didnt say anything but I cried hard and the kindness.. It was amazing.. It was such a jarring difference to how I feel when I say anything in real life.

Ive met friends here and ive had some much fun here. If youve stuck around this far thank you so much.. If you didnt I dont blame you.

I just wanted to share what has been flashing in my head these past few days.. It hurts a lot and ive even considered suicide recently..

Im trying hard. As hard as I can.. I have no escape though.

I cannot leave home. I cannot escape. Im not being dramatic.

CANT

LEAVE

And its terrifying because I know without medication or at least being somewhere AWAY from family.... I feel like im going to break soon.

I dont want to do anything stupid.. But some days I cant think straight and do things that harm myself and its not good. Its not okay. Im aware that I need help but I have no idea where to go/turn.. I have no ID or drivers liscence.. I have no transportation to and from a job to get money so I can leave... I live in the middle of nowhere.... I just..

I dont want to lose touch. I dont want to do anything bad.. I want to be functional.. I want to do more than eat and sleep my life away because I have nothing else to do..

Im so damn sick and tired of this all.. And at times I really do feel like there is only one way out.

Its always there and I just feel like one of these days im gonna be pushed over the edge and not be thinking clearly enough to stop it.

Im thinking semi clearly right now which is my im posting this.. Because im afraid and alone.

I have nowhere to go irl I have no friends Irl i just have tumblr and media and thats it. I dont expect anyone to be able to help I just wanted to write this so anyone knows what happens if I leave media..

If I tell my family my issues they will blow me off again for the 11th time or so (not exaggerated)

And if I do something to get sent to the hospital and get the help I need the cycle will continue with them being pissed and me getting sent home in a month or less anly for my family relationships to get worse..

Im spiraling fuether and further and I cant keep up the facade of being fine. I need help. And i have no way to get it. Ive just been suffering for years...

Sitting around and doing nothing but using your phone or drawing or whatever sound fun in theory... But if thats all youve been able to do for years with little to no real life social contact its gonna mess with your head... I dont want to be a shut in... I just

I dont know what to do.

Im sorry for rambling. I will most likely delete this later feeling embarrassed I posted this...

Im just tired..

#trigger warning #triggering #may be triggering #vent #emotional neglect #emotional abuse #suicide #suicide trigger #gore warning #memory problems #ramble #rambles

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quorrakenobi · 7 years

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Anxiety is haunting me.

About 2 weeks ago I ended up in the emergency room with a panic attack. It took a few days to start feeling better but then I thought I was done with it. Yesterday it came back, a bit less but still very scary. It’s still kind of going on, like a rolling boil almost? I’ll feel better, then worse again, then completely fine, then worse than ever. On and on.

Slight TMI and more about when I’ve gotten it and what I think seems to bring it on.

I've been having terrible anxiety that I think can only be hormonal - crying and overwhelmed and exhausted for no reason I can point to, as nothing has changed. Sure, the fact that nothing has changed in a very long time is a very bad thing and there's no one to blame but me. However, the way my anxiety has been, I feel a bit incapable of fixing it until it runs its course. Like, I myself feel like I can't do anything until I feel better. I could attempt to do a few things but if I do too much or think too much about what I have to do I start to panic... so I have to kind of just sit it out and distract myself until I don't feel like this anymore.

I always try to remind myself that if everyone always felt this way, nothing would get done. Yet a lot of things get done in the world. And I myself have done plenty of things. So I have to just trust, even though I can't feel it right now, that I won't always feel this way and I'm just being tricked by chemicals in my brain - hormones.

It's shitty. It's been worse. But it's not good, and I want it to stop. But I need to get myself under control. I'm out of shape and I never do anything at home. Being out of shape is the worst of it though... even ignoring the fact that I don't feel attractive, I worry that I'm unhealthy. I worry I'm hurting myself by being so unhealthy. And I want to fix it, but I feel exhausted and smothered, so it's hard.

But see, every time I start to feel that way - depressed and scared I guess - soon after I feel the physical effects of it, which aren't normal, and which tell me, "this is your body fucking with you. This isn't real."

It's not. I know it's not. Normal anxiety for me give me a tummy ache and that's it. Normal depression for me makes me feel bored, and that's it. Just bored.

It doesn't make me feel smothered or like I can cry at the drop of a hat, it doesn't make my arms feel numb or my chest feel cold or my heart rate do weird shit. It doesn't make me feel quite so trapped.

Knowing now that this is actual anxiety/a panic attack, I keep thinking back on my life to the times I've had them and not realized what they were. But I only ever had it this bad once before, and it was when I was at my lowest. Birth control messed me up, then heartbreak, then to counteract it I went on antidepressants that I probably didn't really need, then I gained like 60 pounds from it and had a shoe host of other problems.

But. BUT. For a few years there I was a fair bit healthier and weighed a fair bit less, and I never felt like THIS when I was doing that. I know I didn't. And until 2 weeks ago, I'd never gone to an emergency room for any reason. So I know id never been that scared or overwhelmed for that long before.

I'd always had the worst of it in very obvious situations:

- After a concert where I was exhausted and hungry and it was too hot and there were too many people

- After meeting a celebrity I really wanted to meet and going too long without eating and getting overwhelmed (luckily not while meeting the guy)

- After very hot showers when I hadn't eaten enough

- During a martial arts class when I hadn't eaten enough (although that was probably just feeling faint)

The really bad low state I was in back in the day when I got on antidepressants was a bit more of just heartbreak, but it was definitely also anxiety because I had a sore appear on my chest over my heart (how fucking ridiculous is that?) which went away right after I started to feel better and never returned.

The first time I had anxiety again, 2 weeks ago, I'd been playing World of Warcraft. Nothing particular had been happening. It was the middle of the night and I'd probably gone too long without eating. That was horrific.

I had a nice week and a half of being basically all better and then yesterday, when I was in the car with my boyfriend headed somewhere, just after leaving the neighborhood, I asked him to take me home. He went out without me and I know he wasn't happy about it. We also had to cancel plans.

At first he thought I was faking so I wouldn't have to go. I wasn't. I didn't want to go, and maybe that made me panic. But I'd rather have any kind of anxiety than a panic attack. Let me puke or shit my pants or something, anything is better than the feeling that nothing in the world looks or feels quite like it did the last time you lie attention. Terrible feeling. I think it's depersonalization? Basically everything feels unreal and you're like, surely things didn't feel like this before... how have I lived this long if I always felt this terrible? But this time I keep hovering near the bottom but never dipping down as low as before and I swear it's only because I know what's going on with myself. But it's kind of cold comfort. I just want to feel like myself again, capable of doing anything, the only reason I don't being pure laziness or absentmindedness, not lack of energy, nor depression or sadness or this strange fear.

I'm gonna make a doctor's appointment tomorrow cuz I can't let this continue. I thought it was a random thing when I had it before and it was definitely hormones, I know this now. But I don't ever want this to happen again if I can help it. I mean, if I had real responsibilities and obligations this would really fuck those up. But I need to have those someday and I can't if I'm gonna be like this. So I need some kind of help, even if it's just help with a diet so I can stop putting so much physical stress on my body all the time.

I don't know if I believe in prayers but if you pray I would appreciate if you could throw a thought to whatever you believe in, if they would help me. I wouldn't want my worst enemy to have to go through this.

#personal #anxiety

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arplis · 4 years

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Arplis - News: Arlyns Warm (& Sort of Last-Minute DIYed) Holiday Reveal

Spoiler alert: This starts sad, but I promise a happy endingjust like your favorite Hallmark movie. Yes, its a post about decorating for Christmas, but its a bit of a journey (and your prize for sticking around is seven tips for a pretty holiday look without a ton of planningnext to a cash reward, what more could you want, hm?).

Before moving to LA, I had a long-standing Christmas tradition that involved a sleepover at my place with my twin nephews. Wed go buy a fresh tree, head to Target to pick out their yearly ornaments (and okay, I usually caved and bought them several when they couldnt pickauntie privilege), and settle in for the night with a big ol cheese pizza and tons of candy to decorate and watch holiday movies. When I left Florida, my absolute favorite weekend of the year stayed behind along with my family, and frankly, I didnt feel festive enough last year to decorate. Sure, I bought a tree and then proceeded to cry my way through placing all the memories from years past on it (like I said, no this whole post wont be one giant Joni Mitchell River-esque depressing monologue). But, its been almost two years, and I realized that it was time to start making some new traditions, starting with proper decorations to set the scene for the season.

By proper, I mean nothing more than something that actually brought me joy. In my last home, I didnt care even the tiniest bit about my Christmas aesthetic. Id throw around scraggly bows, dangle strange garlands in places that would inevitably fall off (left unfixed until January). While I appreciate a classic, kitschy look, this didnt make me happy. Looking back, it was a lot like the holiday aisle at Big Lots come December 26sparse, random and nowhere I wanted to be. BUT THIS YEAR IS DIFFERENT. Guys, I really actually tried, and whoa, I love coming home. I get so jazzed to know Ill walk through that door after work to all the fairy lights on (thanks, timers) and all I need to do is light my pine-scented candles.

When I first discussed decorating and shooting my place for the blog, I told Emily I would take the more last-minute DIY angle for this story, except, ha, I should know myself better than to think Im a DIY person (have I talked about the unfinished dining chairs sitting in a corner of my master bedroom enough times for you to understand the stakes here?). Im more of an early minute buying personif we can all agree thats the opposite of last-minute DIY, but dont worry Emily, I pulled out a few stops even for me to salvage this story. Really, though, its an excuse to show you guys my living and dining rooms again, this time just festooned for Christmas using nearly everything Target, because those guys have affordable holiday decor on lock.

Aside from what I bought, there were a few things I planned on doing going into this: dried oranges for garland and ornaments, and the addition of real greenery to anything faux for a lusher more natural look, but more on that in just a bit when we get there. Lets start in the living room:

Creating a Christmas Couch With Simple Textile Swaps

Swapping out textiles seasonally always felt to me like the equivalent of womens magazines telling me when I was younger that Id be going from day to night far more often than I ever have (never). Who was really doing this? Sure, my mom would throw a random Christmas pillow on the sofa when I was younger, but a full swap was absolutely something Id NEVER consider doing. Except well, for the sake of this shoot, I did it, and guess what. IM OBSESSED WITH IT. Dont knock it til you try it.

I left one of my everyday pillows out because it played well with everything else, but Im half tempted to never actually switch them back. Im officially living the cozy life and DONT MAKE ME GO BACK. But seriously, seeing that Fa la la pillow and those little gold embroidered Christmas trees fill my heart with childlike wonder and joy and Im now a winter textiles swap person (once I figure out a more permanent solution than throwing my year-round pillows and blanket in the guest bedroom).

Neutral Tree + Homemade Goodies

The (Christmas-celebrating) world is divided into two subsects: those who take no issue with faux trees, and those that choose to torture themselves with a real evergreen. I am the latter. Every year, when it comes time to recycle this baby, I curse myself for the massacre of needles. But alas, I cant be stopped and I will always opt for a real tree. This is a noble fir that I picked up at Lowes and it has that gappy vibe everyone is into right now. I like how you can load up a branch front to back and things dangle so nicely, sparkling and dazzling in the twinkle lights.

As for the decor, this is actually the first year in a long time I went with white lights. Ive always been a colored-lights just throw crazy stuff up on the tree and call it a day girl (correction: let your small nephews throw crazy stuff up on the tree and call it a day). Someone once asked me if I changed my trees color motif every year and Im pretty sure I rudely laughed in their face before I realized they were serious. No. I am not that person. This is why this year, once I realized that oh wait, people will be seeing my home and I needed to try, I opted to go for something a little more neutral so I could build on it over time. I also had a box full of handmade and drawn ornaments from my nephews that I needed to be sure made it up on those branches (see the paper and crayon snowman, for example). Theres enough going on in my apartment that something a little more minimal didnt make me want to crawl out of my skin a week into the merriment.

Because I wanted some color, I thought to do what evidently everyone else on the internet also thought to do this year: dried oranges as ornaments. I definitely did not get the mailer that must have gone around to tell everyone this was the look of 2019, but regardless, I love it. Some string (in a white and red becauseChristmas), a bag of small oranges and a few hours to dry them out in the oven (Erin from Francois et Moi has a great tutorial here) and boom, I supplemented my tree for about$4. LAST-MINUTE DECORATING LIFE HACK. Put dried oranges on just about everything and you have an instant holiday lewk that feels warm, unpretentious, welcoming and a wee-bit British (i.e. all I ever want to feel).

Some of my favorite ornaments I scooped up this year with my nephews top of mind: the sloth, the fabric Santa, the clip-on glittery birds, and the ceramic turtle doves (I promptly forced my husband Charles to sit and listen to why I got those to represent our undying love). Oh goodness, and I cant move on before discussing that Cookies For Santa plate and milk jug. No, there are no children in my house, but when I saw it, I knew I needed to hoard it for the day that there are because every year my sister runs around trying to find something to put cookies and milk in and it always ends up being an awkward mini loaf pan or something and this feels like a pat yourself on the back for planning ahead moment that I wanted to put on display.

Mix Real + Faux

HOT TIP: Faux garland is so great for using year after year and traditionally, I used to think it looked very fake, but Target has some good stuff. I went with their faux white pine and berries strand here and over the archway and Im so happy with them. This one is 72, so, maybe dont be like me and instead measure before you figure out how much of something you need. I ended up with about 8 inches of bare mantel and had to guinea rig a solution. The left side there, by the candlesticks, is actually a piece of faux greenery also from Target in the same color/finish that I added to the end and BOOM, fixed.

Once I put the eucalyptus wreath on the door, however, I realized it was much cooler in tone than the garland and side by side, they looked a little jarring. My solution? Get some actual eucalyptus (I had some leftover from my Thanksgiving tablescape) and shove in pieces of it about every 6 inches or so. This accomplished two things for me: it married the color/style gap between the wreath and the garland, but it also brought some life to the faux-ness. (Again, this stuff is good, so it doesnt NEED it, it was just a visual preference for me).

Can we talk about the cutest stocking? Growing up in Florida, a land devoid of mantels and fireplaces for obvious reasons, we were not a stocking family. Every now and then, my mom might tie some to the stair banister, but they were never full of anything. Well folks, thats over. I live in LA now, a land with NON-FUNCTIONING fireplaces, but fireplaces nonetheless. LA is all about illusions after all, so as long as it looks like a fireplace, thats all that matters, right? Throw some fairy lights in, no problem (and maybe light some candlesI used these candlesticks from Targetif youre brave and attentive for that real fire feel). This knit guy with the poms is maybe my favorite thing I got this year but HEAVY (hence the nutcracker on top of the stocking holder for that oneI have a little cut-out in the molding that meant less stability, but itll probably be fine if you have a normal 90-degree angle on your mantel).

And, in one of my favorite last-minute moves to use up random leftovers of things, I took some ribbon I had bought for my gift wrap, tied a little piece into a bow and velcroed it to this art piece. Dressing up your artwork can be SO fun for holidays (remember Emilys googly eyes over that oil portrait?). Its so unexpected, costs basically nothing and will get everyones attention, I promise.

Sprinkle Christmas Cheer Throughout Other Vignettes

This whole post should be titled Never Underestimate the Holiday Styling Power of the Bottle Brush Tree because if you look closely enough, there is absolutely one in nearly every shot angle of my home. I threw some on my console table, on a side table, on my coffee table, on my TV standand just WAIT until you get to the dining room. Bottle brush tree galore! They are very affordable and if you dont mind glitter sprouting from nearly everywhere until the end of time, theyre almost all you need to fill in your home with some Christmas spirit outside of the big moments (tree, fireplace). Same goes for leftover ornaments, pieces of greenery (such as free scraps from the tree lot), and super budget-friendly figurines, like these reindeer that make me so happy.

That blonde wood bowl is VERY good guys, and I will absolutely be leaving it out year-round, but for now, it screamed FILL ME WITH JINGLE BELLS so I had to oblige. These are 2-inch bells and honestly just so dang fun. Put them in a vase or bowl but save a few to sprinkle throughout other vignettes (or on a gift!).

The last moment I threw together in this room was the bench by my window. I moved the rust-colored velvet cushion into the guest bedroom (which honestly, I treat like a storage unit, so I know this is not a universal solution) and draped my sheepskin pelt a little asymmetrically. I gotta say, Im quite proud that this placement was my first go at it. The less fussing you do sometimes, the more effortless things look. I over-ordered pillows for my sofa, but thank goodness, because they worked great on here. The green pillow with the poms is SO cute and you might not see it here, but it has these little wood beads at the base of the pom pom which makes it extra special.

Alright, lets move this party into the dining roomafter you.

Accentuate Your Architecture

Ever since I saw Ginnys garland-bedecked archway into her dining room, I dreamed of being able to do the same thing. So when I stepped foot into this apartment for the first time, I instantly knew it would fulfill my greenery-over-archway dreams. This is three pieces of faux garland, hung with some small nails I dug out of an IKEA art hanging kit. Because of my 100-year-old plastered and heavily textured walls, Command hooks simply laughed the THREE times I tried themin three different sizes and configurations (both the laughter and hook type). I finally gave up and went to get the hammer. Cant wait to patch those holes come January, trulythough worth it to me.

Implement a Big Holiday Moment (Thats Actually Really Easy)

Over on the console, I went for a sort of kind of holiday village. It was my initial vision to do a jam-packed Christmas village here, so I bought what felt like hundreds of trees and houses, and then I put them all down and the credenza ATE it. It was like starting with a pan full of fresh spinach and ending up with 2 tablespoons of cooked spinach. My dreams were dashed and I came up with plan B: mix in everyday things with some holiday feels and pretend it was your plan all along. Im actually very happy with it and dont think I havent sat at my dining table some mornings and nights just looking over here with a twinkle in my eye and sugar plums dancing in my head. When you boil it down, its really just three new vignettes: the two bottle brush trees + seasonal candle (above), a footed bowl with some leftover greenery and bottle brush trees (below) and ceramic houses with some fairy lights shoved up into them on top of books which were already there (photo after next). Oh, and some oranges from the grocery store because #theme.

My favorite thing about this whole scene is probably those beautiful wreaths hanging by velvet ribbon over the windows. I LOVE a wreath-over-window (or, as youll see, mirror) moment and two windows meant I had two chances to do it in this room. Quickly: Im very much obsessed with this wreath. It looks so high-end with the dangling brass bells and it matches the garland in the living room, so both spaces speak to each other.

Over on the bar, my vintage gilded mirror called for another ribbon-hung wreath, but I went for the faux cypress leaf version instead to keep things more minimal. The addition of some new brass barware (the Project 62 line looks really good, folks) and a few bottle brush trees and voila, my holiday bar.

When In Doubt, Keep It Simple (For Real)

When it came to what to do on my table, this was REALLY a last-minute DIY situation because I had no idea (which is typically the case with my table). The day before this shoot, Emily texted me that she had some leftover garland at her house from her shoot, and I could come grab some if I wanted. So grab it I did, not knowing what I planned on doing with it, but I ended up throwing it on the table just to think and when I finally came to, I realized it was exactly where it belonged. I pulled out my kitchen sheers because I do not have clippers (apartment living), trimmed it to size and pulled out some small, cheap glass votives I had in my cabinets already to make things moody. AND THEN, I had some extra oranges from my tree ornaments and I just scattered some throughout to connect both rooms visually.

But wait, theres more. At the last minute (okay, the night before), I wanted to give the room more of a casual party vibe and wanted a dessert set up, so I ran out to Ralphs with the intention of making something with the zero minutes I had left in my life to whip up a baked good and found a pre-made bundt cake instead. A simple glaze (though Im sure you could find one glazed already), some cranberries I rolled in sugar, and a smattering of fresh sage leaves is all I needed to fool Sara into thinking I had actually made this when she made it over to shoot. SEMI HOMEMADE TRICKERY.

I will most certainly be doing this again in the future, and if you do, as well, everyone will think youre a domestic goddess. Set out some cute appetizer or dessert plates (these from the Hearth & Home with Magnolia are super cute with festive sayings on them that are subtle but still fun), flatware and napkins, and with very little effort, you just became the hostess with the mostest time to actually blow dry your hair before people show up.

And thus ends my holiday dissertation. It started out bleak, but I promised it would end on a high note, and theres no higher note than being pulled together enough to maybe put some curls in your hair (at least for me).

I rounded up ALL the goods I got from Target below in a few groupings, and yes, at the end of the season, you might find this stuff is sold out either in-store or online, so for that Im SO sorry, but ALWAYS check your local stores because they restock or people make returns and you might just find what youre looking for. Oh, and for a few more exclusive tips, I wanted to share the story Ruemag.com featured of my home as well, so check that out if youre interested. Thanks for stopping by and the happiest of holidays and the merriest of Christmases to you all.

***photography by Sara Ligorria-Tramp, design and styling by Arlyn Hernandez

The post Arlyns Warm (& Sort of Last-Minute DIYed) Holiday Reveal appeared first on Emily Henderson.

Arplis - News source https://arplis.com/blogs/news/arlyns-warm-sort-of-last-minute-diyed-holiday-reveal

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shatteredskies042 · 5 years

Text

NaNo Day 02

“And what does that mean, exactly?” Michael wondered, leaning back in the bucket seat. He stared at the sheet metal door of the storage unit, waiting for a response, but it sounded like he was being offered to come back.

“A fair bit of my coworkers want your head on a pike. However, we’ve encountered a problem. If you can take care of it for us, I can convince my compatriots that you are an asset, and have them leave you alone.”

“This sounds like something we have to discuss in person,” Michael noted.

“It is something we should,” the doctor agreed. “Two days, the Air and Space Museum, next to the Saturn V exhibit,” then the line cut off.

Michael lowered the phone, staring at the screen before the automatic timer shut the screen off. He didn’t have much of a choice, did he? He left the car and pushed the door fully open, then returned to his car. Michael turned the engine over, hearing it spark to life instantly and giving the throaty sound a muscle car ought to have back to the world. He drove just out of the storage unit and stopped, returning only to close the door and lock it again. He left the business, and headed for a gas station. While there, he filled his gas tank and consulted a highway map of the United States. His fastest route would be to get onto I-70 and follow it all the way to the East Coast.

Michael used the cash he had to cover the price of gas, then returned to his car. He navigated his way to I-70, and joined into traffic headed east. He had a long way to go, and not much time to get there. The timetable on this was fast, and he thought that the Archivist was being generous. By his own calculations, he would have to stop two or three times more for gas, and to perform such standard maintenance like restroom breaks, snacks, and drinks. He stopped several times on his first leg for all of those, and the car drew plenty of looks. Outside Kansas City, Michael used his credit card to pull some money from his bank account, feeling an itch to have cash on hand while he drove across the country. He kept his face hidden, and more over tried to keep his car as concealed as possible. Another gas station in Indianapolis yielded fuel, Slim Jims and a Vanilla Coke, before he was back on the road and making his way East.

He drove until the sun’s light disappeared from the sky, and the only light came from blue headlights and the odd orange streetlight. He kept a steady pace, but felt himself slipping, the stakes not high enough like they had been the last time he stayed up a marathon like this. Perhaps his body was still recovering, but he knew he had to stop. With the last of the energy he had, he pulled off at the next town marked as an exit, somewhere in Illinois.

The town could have been any other in hundreds of other small interstate towns. A main street lined on both sides by stores and restaurants, with tall and brightly colored neon signs. These places were interchangeable, and he felt like he had been before, even though his only experience of Illinois was as a flyover state. Off the main street were hotels, but he was far past the hour he could have booked a room. Pulling onto a decently lit street, he stopped on the side of the road and turned the car off.

Michael leaned the seat back, then reached behind his seat. He found a warm hoodie laying at the top of the tote in the back and pulled it forward, intending to use it as a blanket. He also removed his handgun from the small of his back, something he was prone to sleeping on. He stashed his sidearm inside the glove box, a million miles away if he needed it, but he did not think he would.

Once he got the gray hoodie over his torso, it was easy for him to drift to sleep. Odd dreams plagued his early sleep, images of walking around his hometown, hiding behind cars at the car dealership downtown. It was something he hadn’t done in the past, as far as he could remember, at least. He looked into the sky of his dreamscape to find it empty, no stars, no moon, just an infinite darkness. Then he started to run, through the car dealership and past the coffee shop his grandmother used to own. He lived up the hill from here, just had to run past the furniture store and the pharmacy, then follow-

-A tapping on his window jolted him from his sleep. He looked over and saw only light, blinking quickly. He reached for the window handle, to work the handle around to bring the window down. Michael and his dad had not thought of power windows when they were restoring the vehicle, too focused on fixing the body and converting the base vehicle to a Pro Touring vehicle.

He worked the window down, then became aware of the red and blue lights flashing behind him and illuminating the interior of his car.

“Rough night, son?” the cop asked, shining the light around the dark leather interior of the Camaro.

“Been a rough couple of nights, sir,” Michael responded, unable to hide the exhaustion in his voice. He ran a hand across his face, and felt the rough texture of stubble clouding his cheeks and chin.

“You got ID?” the cop inquired.

Michael asked for permission to reach for it, something that would ease the officer’s nerves, before he rolled over to draw his wallet from his back pocket. “My driver’s license is expired, as are the tabs I think,” he stated, “first time I’ve been back in the country and driving this car in quite a while,” Michael told him. “I got my passport if you want that, it’s current.”

“Shouldn’t be necessary, son. You on the run or something?” he asked with a hint of humor in his voice.

“No sir, I’ve been back in the country for less than a week,” Michael said truthfully.

“Alright, I’m gonna take this back to my car, run you real quick just to make sure you’re not on the FBI’s most wanted, then I’ll cut you loose,” the officer promised, before retreating to his car. A tense minute passed for Michael, before the officer returned. “You military?” the officer asked, passing the ID back to Michael.

“Yeah,” the soldier nodded, “Air Force.”

“I’m with the Illinois National Guard, an MP, shocker, I know,” the cop said, his large frame relaxing some. “I deployed to Baghdad during the war with Iran, wasn’t a bad posting. What about you?”

Michael could hardly talk about his service, both as a Phoenix Raven and as a member of BLACK, but he could speak in general terms. “Korea, and Iran. The first I was an MP like you were, Iran I had a more direct role,” he stated simply.

“Korea? Damn,” the officer remarked under his breath. “Tell you what, son,” he said, pocketing his flashlight on his duty belt. “We got a vagrancy law, but I ain’t gonna hassle you about it. And none of our vets should have to sleep out in the cold,” he added, “I’m gonna go back to my car, and if you don’t mind falling in behind me, I’ll drive you to one of the motels here in town and we’ll get you a room,” the officer offered.

“Sounds like a good deal, sir, thank you,” Michael nodded respectfully. The cop disappeared from his window and he started his car, then watched his mirrors for the police car to pull out. He followed the vehicle, winding through town and onto the other side of the main street. They stopped in front of a modest looking generic chain motel. Better than sleeping in the cold, he had to rationalize. He followed the officer inside the motel, and let him do the talking, playing the quiet vet part well. He accepted a room keycard, before shaking the officer’s hand. “Thank you very much, sir.”

“Like I said, son, you risked your life for all this. Even though you got a nice car,” a complimentary smile on his lips, “vet like you shouldn’t have to sleep in it, you know?”

Michael nodded with a smile, “have a safe night, sir. My dad was a cop, it was always my plan when I got out.”

“Best job I ever had,” the cop smirked, before he headed for his car. Michael followed him out a moment later, heading for his hotel room. The room was clean, and would do for the night. He sat on the white and brown sheets, manipulating the alarm clock to guarantee he would avoid sleeping in. As he slipped under the sheets, he smelled bleach from the sheets, then passed out.

He was asleep at one in the morning, and five and a half hours later the alarm began emitting an ear-piercing tone. He blindly reached out for the snooze button, opening his eyes and casting the blankets off his body. His hands itched, probably from the overuse of bleach. The rest was rejuvenating, even as short as it was. Michael headed to his car and retrieved a change of clothes, then returned to his room. He availed himself use of the shower to achieve some semblance of cleanliness, using the motel’s soap and shampoo.

He wished he had a razor to get this itchy black stubble off his cheeks, but that would come later. He redressed and made the bed, a habit from his time in the military. It was an important milestone for him, where even if the rest of the day went poorly, he managed to make a bed and succeed at that. It was something, at least. He returned his key to the office, then made his way back to his car to get on the road.

Back on I-70, as the road and the miles and the exit signs all blurred together. He stopped again, several times for gas along his route. Statistically speaking, taking his Camaro cross country was far from the best idea. But nothing beat this car, the smoothness of the ride and how the engine purred. It was almost a tame sound, traveling at highway speeds. Every now and then he would depress the pedal further, and let the motor roar for a couple of seconds before letting the speed return to interstate speeds.

He hit a bit of a delay just before he reached the Washington Beltway, but nothing he could not get past with a bit of patience. Finally, the capital came into view, and from there he let the signs lead him. He found a parking garage near a metro station, and paid for a four hour slot for his Camaro. Michael recovered his gun, and secured it on his person. He hitched a ride on the metro towards the Mall and the Smithsonian.

Word Count: 3796

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toptecharena · 6 years

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I was 12 weeks pregnant at the time. As my uterus grew and my bladder seemed to shrink, I didn’t mind peeing ’round the clock.

“It’s honestly kind of fun having to go to the bathroom a million times a day right now,” I remember saying to my husband.

I was 12 weeks pregnant at the time. As my uterus grew and my bladder seemed to shrink, I didn’t mind peeing ’round the clock. That’s because, for the past 26 years of my life, I’ve been running to the bathroom for very different reasons.

I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease-an inflammatory bowel disease characterized largely by intense stomach cramping, diarrhea, and frequent “urgency” (a.k.a. “I need a bathroom right this second”) when I was 7 years old.

Since then, it’s been 26 years of unpredictability, 26 years of wondering if this disease will ever be cured, and 26 years of trial and error with various medications, supplements, diets, and lifestyles.

It has also meant that, for 26 years, I had no idea whether I’d ever become a mother.

My pediatric gastroenterologist was the first one to tell me that I may not be able to get pregnant because of Crohn’s.

Back then, that news didn’t really affect me-all I cared about was spending less time in the bathroom and more time at dance class.

“How could I have a child when I couldn’t even take care of myself?”

Honestly, for most of my life, my Crohn’s and flares weren’t all that dramatic and usually quickly went away with a dose of the steroid Prednisone.

But when I went away to college, I started having major flares. My Crohn’s seemed relentless; I spent many dark days convinced I’d never be stronger than this disease.

During my most recent flare, thoughts of starting a family terrified me.

In 2016, I experienced a Crohn’s flare that lasted about a year. It sent me into a deep depression and kept me apartment-bound for weeks at a time.

My husband and I had loosely discussed starting a family (aside from that pediatric gastroenterologist, no other doctors led me to believe my Crohn’s could cause infertility), but how could I have a child when I couldn’t even take care of myself?

What would happen when I was home alone with an infant who needed to be fed, bathed, comforted, or changed, and I couldn’t get myself out of the bathroom?

I’d always wanted to have children, but at that point in my life, it seemed incomprehensible.

During one of my many appointments with my gastroenterologist, I mentioned that, in spite of my current state, my husband and I were interested in growing our family at some point. I just wanted to know what my options were, and what he thought.

“You’ll probably have a really hard time getting pregnant for a while,” he told me in September 2017. Since my body had been under so much stress for so long, he explained that I likely wouldn’t get pregnant until I was in a period of remission (a.k.a., no Crohn’s symptoms).

Honestly, I didn’t think much of it at the time. In that moment, I was so consumed with trying to get my flare under control that I wasn’t exactly dying to get home and start charting my periods and ovulation cycles.

Still, his words lingered in my head.

As it turns out, my body had other plans: I’m currently 29 weeks pregnant.

By October 2017, my flare started to subside. By December, I’d never felt better, both physically and emotionally. And once 2018 debuted, I felt great. My marriage was rock-solid, and my health was finally cooperating.

“I couldn’t believe that, after years of feeling at odds with my body, we were getting along.”

My husband and I never decided to officially start “trying.” We just got really lucky.

On February 15, I was on the treadmill at Orangetheory and I had to stop running-not to bolt to the bathroom (for once), but to hold onto my boobs. They were killing me. I felt just not-normal enough to go home and take a pregnancy test. It was positive.

I felt nothing but pure joy and surprise-and Crohn’s was the last thing on my mind, which only added to my overwhelming happiness.

My first trimester was amazing-I went through every day in disbelief.

I couldn’t believe that, after 26 years of feeling at odds with my body, we were finally getting along. It was doing the thing doctors told me it may not be able to do-the thing that, both with or without chronic illnesses, so many women aren’t able to do. I felt like the luckiest person on the planet.

I even found a midwife who’s familiar with the disease and is willing to work with my gastroenterologist, which has been incredibly comforting.

When I got through the first 12 weeks of my pregnancy with no Crohn’s symptoms, my doctors believed I might finish my pregnancy Crohn’s-free. (For some women, pregnancy keeps their Crohn’s at bay; for others, hormones and a lowered immune system can exacerbate it.)

Everything was going perfectly-until a few weeks ago.

I am now in the middle of a mild Crohn’s flare-while pregnant.

At first, I was hoping the diarrhea and urgency were pregnancy-related. I even denied the possibility of a flare for a few weeks, hoping it would pass on it’s own. But because I know my body so well at this point (possibly the only positive of having a chronic disease), I knew Crohn’s wanted to join the pregnancy party.

Despite the fact that I’m spending a whole lot of time in the bathroom right now-Crohn’s plus a shrinking bladder really adds up!-this flare is different.

“I’m so grateful to be in this position, that I’m not letting (a lot of) diarrhea get me down.”

For one, it’s not the worst flare I’ve ever stared down-my symptoms are mostly contained to diarrhea and urgency, and I’m working with both a clinical nutritionist and registered dietitian to get as many nutrients as possible for me and my baby (traditionally healthy foods are hard to digest during a flare). But the biggest change I notice in myself is that I feel grounded, calm, and even hopeful.

I’m not stressing over what will happen if I’m still flaring when the baby gets here. I know that won’t do me any good. Instead, I’m spending every day doing what I can to take care of myself and the tiny human that kicks me and says hi to me all day. I’m so grateful to be in this position that I’m not letting a little (okay, a lot of) diarrhea bring me down.

And while other women on the pregnancy message boards are wondering “how to avoid pooping on the table” during labor, I have to laugh a little. Because let’s be honest, I’m very well acquainted with poop.

I do have one worry that sticks out a bit more than the others: That my daughter will grow up to have Crohn’s disease.

For years, I’ve been told that Crohn’s isn’t genetic. But, as far as I can tell, it seems to be common in siblings-my brother has it too. So it’s tough to believe there isn’t even a small genetic connection.

I worry that my daughter will get this disease because of something I did, something I ate, something I took (no one really knows what causes Crohn’s)-or simply because I have it. That fear can paralyze me. But from now until October 23 (my due date), I’m harping on the good and the grateful.

If Crohn’s disease has taught me anything, it’s that you can’t always plan life. And sometimes, that’s a good thing.

Alison Feller is a freelance writer and editor living in Weehawken, New Jersey, with her husband and their rescue pup, Ellie. Alison is the creator of the Ali On The Run blog, and the host of the popular Ali On The Run Show podcast.

Go to Source Author: Women’s Health Odd Enough: ‘My chronic illness made me question whether I’d ever have children’ I was 12 weeks pregnant at the time. As my uterus grew and my bladder seemed to shrink, I didn’t mind peeing ’round the clock.

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bobbiejwray · 6 years

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How to Power through an Awkward Rehab Visit and Find Recovery

You know what is kind of awkward?

Going to rehab. There is no doubt in my mind that the first time that any struggling alcoh olic or drug addict agrees to go into an inpatient rehab center, that experience is going to be awkward for them.

Why is it awkward?

It is awkward because it probably does not make much sense to the recovering addict at first. What happens at rehab? How do they help you to….not want to drink or take drugs? How does that even happen?

So part of the awkwardness is because the struggling alcoholic or addict does not really know what to expect. And so they are–whether they admit it or not–a little bit nervous because they are forging into an unknown path. They do not yet know how the rehab process is even going to attempt to help them to recover from their drug or alcohol problem. So it feels weird to go to it.

I think another part of the awkward feeling comes from the fact that the struggling addict is surrendering voluntarily. They are saying “I know that I am out of control, therefore I am going to surrender control of myself to someone or something else so that I can get healthy again.” It doesn’t really make sense, because if you can surrender control of yourself, then you are not really out of control, are you?

That is part of how the addict or alcoholic can talk themselves into continuing with denial even longer. They might drink or take drugs a little too much, but they are not at the point of “needing to be locked up,” right?

Which is another part of the stigma, the idea that going to rehab is akin to “locking yourself up” so that you don’t drink or take drugs. This is not really the case though, as most rehab arrangements are set up so that any person can leave at any time. You’re not technically locked up, you just happen to have placed yourself in a program where there are no drugs, no alcohol, and no temptation.

So how does the alcoholic or addict get past all of this stigma so that they can get healthy again? How do you make it okay, in your own mind, that you are going to check into rehab, and that this is not weird or degrading or humbling? How can you be okay with it all?

I think the first principle here is that you have to reach a point of surrender. If you are still trying to manipulate things and struggling for control of your drinking or drug use, then that is a long way from being at the point of real surrender. When you reach “rock bottom” and you surrender fully, you no longer try to figure out how to make it all work any more. You give that part up. You let go of the need for control, you let go of the idea that taking more drugs or booze can some day make you happy.

When you hit rock bottom and you break through denial, you glimpse the truth, which is a glimpse into your own future, which is the realization that even though you may have a few more “peak moments” while drinking or taking drugs, the fun is pretty much over with, and the party ended a long time ago, and this stuff just isn’t fun any more. That is rock bottom and that is the point at which you break through your denial and you surrender.

And in that crushing moment of defeat, you realize that you have no idea how to live a successful and happy life. In fact, you realize that even if you want to live an unsuccessful life, you don’t know how to make that be happy. At all. You are miserable, and you realize that you have been miserable for a long time, and if you are going to ever live a happy life then someone is going to have to instruct you.

This is surrender, the realization that you need instructions for how to live.

If you are not ready to learn like a third grader, if you are not ready for directions about how to live a simple life, then you are not in a place of true surrender. Yet.

Once you reach this point of surrender, going to rehab becomes slightly less awkward. Because now you don’t really care any more, you are beyond caring, you are so incredibly sick and tired of life and of addiction and of everything in the whole universe that you just don’t care any more. You are beyond caring.

That is the point at which rehab works. If you go to rehab and you are not in that state of “ultimate surrender” then I do not believe that you will make the leap into this awesome new life of sobriety. You are not ready yet.

But when you surrender completely and you reach this point, going to rehab is okay. It’s not great, you are not going to jump for joy and click your heels together just yet, but you can move past the awkward part of rehab, of sitting and sharing in AA meetings, of doing group therapy and talking about yourself. You can get past all that and you can ignore any anxiety that you have because you hit bottom and you just don’t care any more. This is how you really get past the stigma of addiction and recovery–you surrender to it. You surrender to everything, to the whole entire world, because you are so utterly defeated by your addiction and you just don’t care any more.

Believe it or not, as bleak and depressing as that sounds, this is the greatest moment of your life so far.

Seriously, this point of rock bottom where you could care less about the entire universe, this is the turning point. This is where you become willing to go to rehab, to actually listen, and to start turning your life around. This is the foundation on which you can build a real life for yourself.

I do not think that it helps to go to treatment or enter recovery with another struggling friend. I mean, that is better than not trying at all, but it never seems to work out that way. You have to come to recovery and surrender on your own; it is a very personal and individual journey. In other words, one person cannot say “I am ready to surrender now to recovery, join me” and have their addict friend jump in and do just as well at the same exact moment.

Surrender doesn’t work that way.

Either you are in a state of total and complete surrender, and you have experienced rock bottom, or you haven’t. And that moment, that turning point, is a split second of time in which everything shifts, the whole world changes, and you break through your denial and see your addiction for the trap that it really is. And until an individual reaches that point, they cannot really recover–whether they force themselves through AA or rehab or not. Nothing matters expect for that magic moment in which they break through denial and surrender completely.

And the odds of that happening with 2 individuals at the same time is slim to none. We all have to find our own path. I experienced this in my recovery with nicotine addiction–I was trying to convince fellow smokers to quit with me, so we could hold each other accountable.

It never worked. It finally worked for one of us when that individual finally surrendered fully. But to do it together was not possible, because our moments of surrender never matched up.

So if you find the idea of rehab awkward then my suggestion to you is to work through your denial. Get honest with yourself about how much “fun” drinking or drug use really is for you, and keep evaluating that question every single day of your life. Keep a written log of this. Over time, you will see that it just isn’t fun any more. And then you can surrender fully and the idea of getting help in rehab will become far more appealing to you. Good luck!

The post How to Power through an Awkward Rehab Visit and Find Recovery appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.

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roberrtnelson · 6 years

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How to Power through an Awkward Rehab Visit and Find Recovery

You know what is kind of awkward?

Why is it awkward?

This is surrender, the realization that you need instructions for how to live.

If you are not ready to learn like a third grader, if you are not ready for directions about how to live a simple life, then you are not in a place of true surrender. Yet.

Believe it or not, as bleak and depressing as that sounds, this is the greatest moment of your life so far.

Surrender doesn’t work that way.

It never worked. It finally worked for one of us when that individual finally surrendered fully. But to do it together was not possible, because our moments of surrender never matched up.

The post How to Power through an Awkward Rehab Visit and Find Recovery appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8241843 http://ift.tt/2CYiZm5

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jaylazoey · 6 years

Text

How to Power through an Awkward Rehab Visit and Find Recovery

You know what is kind of awkward?

Why is it awkward?

This is surrender, the realization that you need instructions for how to live.

If you are not ready to learn like a third grader, if you are not ready for directions about how to live a simple life, then you are not in a place of true surrender. Yet.

Believe it or not, as bleak and depressing as that sounds, this is the greatest moment of your life so far.

Surrender doesn’t work that way.

It never worked. It finally worked for one of us when that individual finally surrendered fully. But to do it together was not possible, because our moments of surrender never matched up.

The post How to Power through an Awkward Rehab Visit and Find Recovery appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8241844 http://www.spiritualriver.com/addiction-treatment/power-awkward-rehab-visit-find-recovery/

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emlydunstan · 6 years

Text

How to Power through an Awkward Rehab Visit and Find Recovery

You know what is kind of awkward?

Why is it awkward?

This is surrender, the realization that you need instructions for how to live.

If you are not ready to learn like a third grader, if you are not ready for directions about how to live a simple life, then you are not in a place of true surrender. Yet.

Believe it or not, as bleak and depressing as that sounds, this is the greatest moment of your life so far.

Surrender doesn’t work that way.

It never worked. It finally worked for one of us when that individual finally surrendered fully. But to do it together was not possible, because our moments of surrender never matched up.

The post How to Power through an Awkward Rehab Visit and Find Recovery appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8241841 http://www.spiritualriver.com/addiction-treatment/power-awkward-rehab-visit-find-recovery/

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cesspool-of-ign0rance · 6 years

Text

You

I’ve had this saved in my notes for ages but wanted to save it on here instead.

Tuesday 28th November 2017

Tonight was the first time I met you in person, I was so drawn to you and it felt good to be so comfortable to say we’d never met up before. You made me smile wider than I have in a long time.

Wednesday 29th November 2017

Tonight we kissed for the first time and fuck, I wish it wasn’t as amazing as it was. You’re so feisty and cute I’m glad I got to kiss you. This could be the start of something amazing.

Monday 4th December 2017

Well you’ve just left my house and gone to class. You’ve told me all about your situation with the boys and even though I was listening I couldn’t help staring at how cute you are.

Wednesday 6th December 2017

I got home from Mayo’s in the early hours after you and Stu came to see me at work and then went to candy and Mayo’s. It was such a shame Stu kept coming out cause even though you kept calling me trouble I know you wanted to kiss me just as much as I wanted to kiss you. I should probably stop letting myself liking you because every day that passes it’s getting worse.

Tuesday 12th December 2017

Tonight was your Christmas Show and you were absolutely amazing. I’m so glad you invited me to see you perform. I couldn’t help but wonder how much more proud I would’ve been if you were mine. I know I shouldn’t feel like this but you just make my day every day, when I wake up the first thing I want to do is talk to you.

Friday 22nd December 2017

I came to meet up with you, Hannah and your other friend and you were all dressed up Christmassy, but god himself would’ve sinned in his thoughts by seeing you. We spent some time in Sunbridge before work and honestly just spending time with you I can feel myself getting deeper and deeper into this shit. I need to stop myself because why would someone like you ever want a pathetic, depressing little fuck like me.

Sunday 31st December 2017

Yeah there’s no going back now is there? Fuck… To say its New Years and I didn’t come out till 11pm tonight was pretty eventful. 5 minutes before the countdown you were crying cause of that cunt and I had to go outside cause seeing you cry made me hurt and angry. But then an hour later we snuck off downstairs and you kissed me and said “I wish you were my New Year’s kiss instead.” And I really wish it was me too to be honest, I think I’m falling for you and there’s nothing I can do to stop myself.

Saturday 13th January 2018

Tonight we went to see your boys’ play down at the Underground, and I was excited. It meant I got to spend time with you and hear some heavy music, Even if I did feel guilty as fuck for liking their band’s music because of the situation. But things happened and we ended up spending next to no time actually together. You kept fucking off with him and it made me so fucking mad considering he’s fucking stringing you along and you don’t see it. I don’t get it, he couldn’t care less about you yet you whine over him like a lost puppy. Whereas me, well, Id fucking treat you like a Queen cause to me you are nothing short of a beautiful and amazing woman who deserves the absolute best, and I wish you realised with me I wouldn’t stop till you had that.

Sunday 14th January 2018

Well today was interesting. I was being a depressing little fuck all day cause last night I realised I was in love with you, and seeing you with both of them killed me inside. I try so hard to be there for you and make you see that you deserve the best, and I wish I could give that to you, but I know I’m not even close to being the best. I was talking to you about never being wanted and me being alone forever because if it’s not with you I don’t want it. But then you had to go and say something to make me feel even worse about the situation. Telling me that “if things were different you’d snap me up in a heartbeat.” Made me just wish everything was different cause there’s nothing more I want right now than to call you mine.

Tuesday 16th January 2018

I really wish I could believe we are “just friends”. But “just friends” don’t steal glances at each other. “Just friends” don’t get jealous when the other one talks and meets up with someone else. “Just friends” don’t get butterflies in their stomach when they look you. “Just friends” don’t hold each other like that. “Just friends?” Yeah right.

Wednesday 17th January 2018

I want to spend the rest of my sunsets with you, because I choose you over everyone. I know you wouldn’t choose me but that’s okay. Love isn’t expecting it to be reciprocated, it’s doing it anyway regardless if it is or not.

Thursday 18th January 2018

I wish I could tell you how I feel, I want you so fucking bad, but I daren’t risk everything we have. I want you to be mine, selfishly, thoughtlessly, mine. Because how the fuck can you be “just friends” with someone you want to kiss all the goddamn time?

Friday 19th January 2018

I wish you were out so I could kiss you and confess my love for you and then blame it on the vodka. You, you’re it. You’re all I want. I hate the fact that even when I’ve drank so much that I don’t remember my own name, yours is still carved in my mind like a fucking tattooed.

Saturday 20th January 2018

I’m sorry I constantly want to talk to you. I’m sorry that when you take long to reply, I get sad, I’m sorry if I say things that might piss you off. I’m sorry if I come across as annoying. I’m sorry if you don’t want to talk to me as much as I want to talk to you. I’m sorry if I think about you too much and too often. I’m sorry if I say things I don’t really mean. I’m sorry if I tell you my pointless drama you don’t really care. I’m sorry if I come across as being clingy, but it’s just me missing you.

Sunday 21st January 2018

I’ve been thinking maybe the reason I keep my feelings to myself is because I cannot find any language to describe them well enough in.

Monday 22nd January 2018

Even on my worst days, you manage to make me smile. That first message every day reminds me of what’s missing in my life, and that’s you being mine.

Tuesday 23rd January 2018

I’m missing you like shit today. I never thought it would hurt so much to miss you, to miss your touch, to miss your face. Fuck you make me feel things I never could imagine, If only I was good enough. But even then I will give you everything I can just to make you happy, even if it kills me. Home is where the heart is, and relentlessly mine is with you.

Wednesday 24th January 2018

I had a dream that we were together last night. Suddenly I prefer sleeping to reality. Loving you is the most exquisite form of self-destruction.

Thursday 25th January 2018

These emotions and feelings are like an infection. I pray into the long hours of the night that it’s you I end up with. You know at night I always imagine you laying here with me, one arm around you and you pressed up against me, it helps me sleep. But I can’t have the real thing so a pillow is how I’ll have to suffice.

Friday 26th January 2018

You always say you brought this upon yourself, in turn how you’re difficult to love. But I don’t think you are difficult to love, Hell I don’t even think you’re hard to love. It’s pretty simple, actually. Once I fell, loving you became easy. Sure, you have your flaws. Sure, you can be annoying at times. But those are all the things I love about you, because it’s what makes you, you. You are unapologetically yourself, and that’s what’s so captivating to me. I love everything about that, and love everything about you.

Saturday 27th January 2018

Tonight we met up for the first time in two weeks. Seeing your face brought me so much joy and made me feel so warm inside so imagine how I felt when you told me you missed me. My insides felt they were on fire with immeasurable affection and admiration for you. We went for a drink and we held hands under the table, I didn’t want that moment to end because in that moment it was just us, you were mine. We looked at each other like we were going to kiss. You make me feel so damn on top of the world but so fucking low at the same time. I wish I could tell you how I feel but it would change everything and I can’t lose you, you mean too much to me now. You make me feel so alive.

Monday 29th January 2018

I wish you knew what you meant to me and how your name plays in my head like a song on repeat when I try to sleep at night. I’ve heard that the only people up at 3am are in love, lonely or drunk, but most of the time now I’m all three. It’s when you realise home isn’t a place, but it’s a person that you’re truly fucked.

Tuesday 30th January 2018

I met up with you in town, and as per usual you tried to make me believe you looked like a tramp. But I wish you saw what I saw when I look at you, cause then you’d understand how I can’t say anything to you cause there’s no words which are good enough. You are a thing of ethereal beauty, even when you say you look trampy. I think you’re stunning all the time regardless but maybe me being in love with you clouds my judgement a bit.

Friday 2nd February 2018

I’ve just got home from work and even though it’s been hours upon hours since we’ve talked yet you’re still the only thing that’s going through my mind. How I’d love to just come home to you and cuddle up and sleep knowing everything’s going to be okay. When I’m with you, you make me feel so fucking safe and like I am home, it breaks my heart when you have to go. I know you’re going through a shit time with your life but neither of those two cunts deserve you in the slightest and I wish you’d just realise that the one who would actually treat you how you need to be is right in front of your eyes, I’m here. I want to just take away all your pain and heartache cause seeing you upset hurts me so much. You mean the world to me and regardless of what anyone says I can’t stop loving you, hell im too deep in now.

#you

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