#idk venting mode off | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

olderthannetfic · 1 year

Note

This got very long and i understand if you delete without reading.

Earlier this year, I decided that I wanted to spend less time on social media and more time writing and catching up on my book/show backlog. But for some reason any time I say something about wanting to focus on my hobbies I get push back from a friend as if that translates to me avoiding them (it's not. I talk to them on a daily basis but a lot of that is them sending me videos/tweets they want me to look at) I don't know how to explain that I don't want to waste my minute free time when I have hobbies I want to work on/indulge in.

They're in Fandom too so it's not as if they're confused at the concept. IDK how to put it, but it makes me feel discouraged that I feel like I'm expected to sit around waiting in case they want to chat and that if I say I'm working on something it's not important and I need to pay attention to them now but if I message them then I'm interrupting because they don't want to have to stop what they're doing to answer me. This leads to me doomscrolling Twitter because at any second they might want to talk so I feel like I can't do anything else because I struggle at multitasking. I can't text someone and watch something at the same time or whatever.

I don't know what to do about this because when I try to mention that I'm busy or working on something it gets ignored or turns into an argument. I am at the point where I dread my messenger going off.

I'm asking you and your followers for any tips because I am at my wit's end and you all have always been an understanding bunch.

I don't want to be a hermit but sometimes I need a couple of hours to write or read on my own. This is someone I have known for years who i know very well so it's not as simple as "take a break from Fandom and do your own thing" though I suppose that is what my goal was this year. Which makes it feel worse because for years we were really supportive of each other's interests/creative works and now it feels more like I'm meant to be supportive of them and not the other way around.

I know this was long, so thank you for even reading it. I appreciate even being able to vent safely.

As I read over this to make it as vague as possible it occurs to me there are multiple issues that just came pouring out. 😑 but. . .how do I get someone to understand I should have SOME time to do my own thing? I am starting to feel like they forgot I'm a separate person from them. They even get upset that I write fic for fandoms they aren't in and I am so very tired of feeling like I need to walk on eggshells.

"This got very long and i understand if you delete without reading."

This sounds very unlike me.

Re the situation, it sounds to me like these friends are either not very good friends in the first place or have backslid into "everyone exists to comfort me" due to pandemic stress or the like.

My dad calls things like writing "chunk work" where you need to work up to getting in the flow and you need uninterrupted focus. The opposite are all those petty little tasks that eat your whole day, like answering trivial business e-mails or doing the dishes.

Whether you have an attention disorder or executive function problems or no, most brains fundamentally have different modes and aren't good at doing things like creative writing without some uninterrupted time. This has very little to do with how much time you do or don't spend with friends and a lot to do with more consciously managing your day and your brain.

If these friends refuse to understand this or conflate it with taking a month off from friendship, that's a them problem, and you need new friends.

It's perfectly normal and fine to send a meme or a random discord PM to a friend and for them to respond hours later because they were busy.

It seems like there are actually 3 things going on here:

Your "friends" are pretending they don't understand how high-focus tasks work.

Your "friends" demand you be available at the drop of a hat in a way that is unrealistic and that ruins most people's schedules.

Your "friends" would consider it a massive imposition to be on-call for you in the same way but learn zero lessons about it being unreasonable in the other direction.

Possibly a fourth is that they have no intention of changing how they interact with social media, and they know that if you do, it signals the end of your routine interactions. And this might be true. I've lost friends, at least for a few years, when our internet use diverged.

But there's no way around it: if you don't want doomscrolling eating your time, you need to extract yourself from friend circles that interact heavily in real time on twitter. You need friends who write e-mails and wait for the response or who send a PM and are happy to come back to the conversation once you've answered.

82 notes · View notes

cielcreations · 7 months

Text

Murder Drones AU Prompt (Featuring SoliTango/Rancher Duo)

AN: First off, if you haven't watched Murder Drones, go watch it. It's on YouTube, there's going to be 8 episodes and, at the time of writing this, 6/8 are out and it's really good, really nice animation, really cute. It can be a bit confusing at times, but it's honestly just adorable and I love.

This is the equivalent to the pilot with some changes and simplification for story/prompt purposes. Idk if I'll make a fully fletched out story, but who knows? Maybe.

So, Tango is a Worker Drone and, like all Worker Drones, has to hide behind three doors so the Disassembly Drones don't, ya know, MURDER them? That's no fun. But he also HATES it because while they're working on creating a better future and all that, they're also sitting ducks just waiting to be attacked.

So, he creates a weapon that's missing one part that he knows he can find outside. He manages to sneak out of the doors and finds the part he needs, but is attacked by a Disassembly Drone! He uses his weapon and manages to completly shoot it's head off.

However, it GROWS BACK and his weapon is reloading and- he tries to smack the other with the butt end of his weapon.

"Now, now, that's not very nice!" The other huffed playfully, winking. Tango notices that one of the lights on his headband are red instead of yellow, indicating an error, "Oh! Are you new to our squad? You seem kinda.... short."

"Wha- You're only, like, a few inches taller than me!"

"Yeah, true, I suppose... Besides, G is super short but- OH!" He put his hand up, saluting Tango, smiling, "I'm Serial Designation Solidarity! Nice to meetcha!"

"Oh, uh, I'm... Serial Designation.... Tango?" He lied.

"Pleasure to meet you, Tango!" Solidarity took his hand, shaking it kind of violently, the other gasping a bit, "Allow me to give you the tour and explain things before Grian and Pearl get back from hunting! They're also part of our squad!"

Solidarity explains the Disassembly Drones' purpose to Tango, who counters saying this isn't good, and before more discussion could be had, but the other two Disassembly Drones (Grian and Pearl) come back before he can and Tango manages to sneak away. Tango runs back to the door and tries to close it behind him, the other Worker Drones confused. Before the door closes, a sharp tail stabs into the button, Tango gasping and turning.

Solidarity was in hunting mode, smirking as he licked his lips.

All of the Worker Drones begin running to escape the murder and to hide behind the second door. However, Solidarity is quick to kill them all as Tango tries to work his weapon, which is still reloading. When it's finally done, it's too late.All the other Workers who were in the first door are dead and the second door is closed. Tango holds up the weapon to Solidarity.

"I won't miss, this time." Tango hissed.

"I'm sorry, I really enjoyed our time together, but I can't have you shooting my siblings with that." Solidarity growled, kicking the weapon out of his hand and stabbing the other in the shoulder.

Tango groaned and glared at the other, seeing him hesitate, "W-Well? Go ahead..."

Solidarity clenched his fist, still not moving. However, they heard footsteps and Solidarity threw Tango over his shoulder, hiding him in the snow as Grian and Pearl appeared. They praised him for getting past the first door, saying they could use the vents to get past the rest. Grian was the first to jump and go, pearl gently ruffling his hair. Solidarity faced Tango, who was trying not to move to seem dead before looking at Pearl, who was also getting ready to leave.

"Pearl..." Solidarity hesitated, "Not that I can't wait to keep murdering all the Worker Drones, but... do we know what the company plans to do with us? You know, after?" A question Tango asked him.

"Excuse me?" She asked.

"I-I just mean... Well, if they hate robots... and we're robots... What's going to happen to us afterwards?"

"S..." Pearl walked forward before pinning him to the wall, glaring, "Worker Drones are corrupted. That's why we're here. How many times do I have to tell you this?" She hissed, "Don't make me kill you. You know what the code says and I'd hate to have to do that to my brother."

"R-Right, sorry..."

Pearl let him go, "You, stay back. Don't get anymore funny ideas while Grian and I take care of this." She then left through the vents.

Tango came out from hiding as Solidarity slumped to the ground, "...You okay?"

"I... I'm kinda the useless one." Solidarity explained, "When you said all those things, I couldn't help but think about it and... yeah. I've always been the one who was curious and questioning things and Pearl should have killed me long ago, company policy and all. But... we're siblings and... as tough as they are, they care about me... Even if I mess things up. Messed up your doors and your friends are gonna get killed..."

"Yeah, they are. If we just stand here doing nothing." Tango offered a hand, smirking, "Wanna team up?"

Solidarity blinked before he smiled, "Sure! Sounds fun!"

35 notes · View notes

antiendovents · 2 months

Note

[ Vent Below ]

TWS: Cultural Appropriation, very very brief gun mention

I'm confessing my sins to you, and I pray this never gets traced back to my actual account. I just have never, EVER been able to share this with anyone. Ever. I don't think you will necessarily be a "safe place" either, but this is a vent/rant space with an anon option. I feel very slightly safe. No one in the system community would accept me if they knew what I did, so I'm like "anon vent mode".

When I was thirteen, I ''''''created'''''' [heavy quotes because it isn't an actual thing] an alter who we will call A, since he'll be a reoccurring part of this all. I did not call him an alter at the time. To be honest with you, mod of this account and I guess anyone who reads this, [my first sin] back when I ''''''created''''' him, I called him a tulpa.

We found out later that the professional who diagnosed us with DID [because, yes, we are a medically recognized system] had done so without bringing it up being a possibility up a second time. I mention second time because the first time she had brought it up, she commented that the specialists she talked to said that they would be hesitant to diagnose me [rightfully so]. She, in hindsight, probably didn't mention any of our trauma to them because of HIPPA. i [alter front] personally believe she diagnosed us around this time.

The second time it was brought up, it was actually an entirely separate alter than the one she told about the hesitance to diagnose. The alter at that time was like "I think we may have to consider DID.. It sounds like what I experience...." and she was like "I already diagnosed you months ago, I talked to 3 other alters".

Talk about a surprise pikachu moment for that alter.

When I first joined the system space, I was a semi-newly discovered system. I had already known about several alters-- A and his creation was what made us be able to communicate with as a system, but all communication was slashed when we had a new host front for three years , which was the host who got us diagnosed. So when we were joining tumblr, we were just establishing good contact again, and when I made my blog I was diagnosed for, like, idk a year before [social media scares us, community spaces scare us, and this is our first time using tumblr again since 2013].

We forgot about the whole term of ''tulpas'' because of amnesia, straight up had a different alter eat those memories to keep the system functioning [in hindsight, its beneficial to know about, but also not]. I had ENTIRELY forgotten the actual term for "tulpas" [in quotes bc its not the actual Buddhist practice]. I just remembered it as "oh i made this dude, he was a ball of light and then suddenly he was having full conversations and chose his own appearance and personality, and why did he choose to be a dickhead [a joke at him /lh]".

Up until making my blog, I didn't engage in plural communities. Not even the tulpa community when I engaged with the content. I was a traumatized kid terrified of everyone, i simply learned how to 'create' a 'tulpa', did it and it worked better than I thought it would, and then fucked off. It was the most traumatic period of our life [when I made A], all I wanted to do was have someone to be with me so I wasn't alone with it all. He very much took on a protector role from the beginning, fronting once for 3 days in a blackout amnesia episode because another alter felt silly [he was an anger holder and was very angry, to sum it up].

Then I joined Tumblr. Because of joining system spaces, I have since re-found the term Tulpa, and ffs?? The absolute guilt and shame we feel is so immense. Not only because I appropriated a cultural practice I have no fucking right to be in, but also because I'm also someone made a mockery of the very disorder I have. It feels like I don't even deserve to be diagnosed.

That's why I don't fit completely into anti-endo spaces, but I don't fit endo spaces either.

We were posting to a small audience of 0 notes in system spaces, which felt safer for us. So we were going ham on our blog, enjoying our time, but we got our first ask.

"You guys seem so nice,,, why are you anti-endo?"

I'm like??? anti-endo?? wtf is that??? what's an endo?? oh foolish, sweet summer child,,, I had not put it in anywhere that I was anti-endo, which makes it so much worse to me. I guess this was probably someone testing the waters or something. So we go look it up, look up endos and we get reintroduced to the culturally appropriated term. And it's like fuck. It was a moment where I realized I had gone against my own morals in a way I was extremely disgusted with. I ended up dipping for a whole month because of it, which caused a system uproar and a shit ton a bad stuff happening while we were also going through new tons of new trauma at that time [thanks to our ex-bestfriend, a silent fuck you to nem. already so stressed, tell that to her, and then it flies over nirs fucking head so she beats a dead horse but ANYWAYS].

While I'm gone, an alter takes my place. I'll call him P. and P? Well,,,, P takes my spot as host [im now one of 4 cohosts, P is not one of them]. P sees tulpa, P sees other spiritual stuff in the endo spaces, and P goes, well, gee,,,, spirits and talking to them exists [a belief we do hold, but i would have to explain eons of shit to explain why we do], I can almost see how it would work. P responds with 'we're not anti-endo' [my second sin].

And then I'm back. It's been a month, things have carried on without me and we are an 'endo neutral' blog with more than two followers, and posts that hit more than 10 notes [which,,, I hate public attention. The thought of more than a few people engaging with the stuff I post is terrifying to the point I might puke if I think too hard about it /gen. 3-10 notes is the ideal. Maybe like 5 followers? i didn't think about that, dont want to].

I relearn about endos, I go 'fuck no??? are you fucking kidding me???' but then I remember A. That? Well, That ruined EVERYTHING for me. Suddenly I'm having to figure out how to manage having people perceiving me in a scale that terrifies me, but I also have a fucking turkeyball mix of followers. Endos, Anti endos, Endo Neutral, Endo Apathetic. All while truly standing as an anti-endo behind those good ol' closed doors. Then I have to look down the barrel of the gun and accept i did something that goes wildly against my own fucking morals. I didn't remember A, I didn't remember Tulpas, and now I wished I had never joined any system space. I wish I had never tried to find community. I don't even know how to right what has been wrong, I don't have anyone to tell me how to fix this.

I don't feel like I belong anywhere. There is no space for me with anti-endos because of what I have done, and there is no space for me with endos because of my anti-endo beliefs.

When I made my blog I wanted a space to be me, to be us, but now I don't even want to be me. A's presence was needed to keep me alive, I love him, but I can't even be cocon with him or I end up having a breakdown. Whether it be from the guilt of the shitty thing I did that I can't make up for because he's literally forever going to be there, or the fact that because I can't be around him, and considering I'm a host, he's secluded to his own section in the innerworld. Alone. Literally like how we were when we made him. It's wicked fucked up to me, but i guess it probably shouldn't be, considering his 'origins'. What once saved my life has become something I can't even face.

I feel like shit. I feel like this is a lose-lose situation. The one time I tried to step out of my comfort zone and do something that I think will be beneficial for us, it ends up being the worst thing to do. All I wanted was friends like me, only to find out, no... I'm not like them and I probably don't even deserve the diagnosis I have. On top of that, I engaged in harmful behavior, cultural appropriation. Furthermore, the people I could've engaged with would've been people I entirely disagreed with.

I feel like i should self undiagnose, if that makes sense. Like I do not care whatever professionals said I am, I'm just,, IDK a shitty person?? A cultural appropriator?? I've been diagnosed more than once, but I feel like I still shouldn't even claim being a system. I feel disgusted with myself. I feel ashamed. Cultural appropriation has a permanent scratch in my brain, a permanent mark. I feel like this is something I can never fix.

I'm confused on what to do. How do I fix the wrong of being a cultural appropriator in such a vile way? Even if I actually am a system, which I don't even know anymore, what the fuck would I call A? What do I even do about getting over the guilt? My therapist isn't equipped to deal with this, I have no friends, and the only people I talk to are my abusers. I'm to scared to talk to people online, and considering my circumstances, who would I even talk to about any of this? Am I even an anti-endo if I practiced what the endos preach? I'm just,,, ugh, It's been a lot, but thank fuck for the anon ask on a blog amirite?

Sorry to dump all this on you, and feel free to ignore it/not upload. I've just needed to talk about this for a while, and this felt like a safe space for a lil bit.

this is complicated but i'm going to try give the best advice i can here. cultural appropriation is bad yes, but you were a child. you didn't know what else to call A at the time, it seems. you admit you have done wrong and you seem guilty over it and really i think thats all you need to improve. you are a system, you are diagnosed as one, yes you made a mistake but so have many others. ex-pro endos are welcome in this community and always will be. as long as you have learned from your mistake i do not think you are a bad person. as i said, people make mistakes all the time, it doesn't mean they're bad, they just need to learn better, and by the sounds of things you have. i really hope you find your place in this community or even a different community. if you need help leaving pro-endo and pro-tupla communities i would recommend slowly distancing yourself, unfollowing or blocking some accounts that may interact with you and maybe even announcing you're anti endo if you feel safe (this isn't required, but it does help avoiding them). if necessary i would also suggest maybe making a new blog / account if you feel like you can't fix the current one (even a side-blog might work). good luck anon and i while i don't speak for the whole anti endo community i am sure you will at the least be accepted by most of us.

#tw cultural appropriation #tw gun mention #tw abuse mention #anti endo #actually did #did #did system #plural #endos dni #alters #system #did osdd

7 notes · View notes

darkestprompts · 10 months

Note

Hi! Idk if you know or play these, but I’m throwing the suggestion in here for a romcom (not sure about the com) visual novel/ dating sim featuring dd/dd2 characters as love interests. Dialogue options that spring to mind? Their preferred gifts/ not-so preferred ones? How their routes can be unlocked? Or anything you think of regarding mixing Darkest Dungeon with that genre, I’m interested !

Don’t pay this too much mind if you don’t know what I’m talking about though, all’s good ;D

In fact I have played quite a few dating sims! It's hard to go very deep into all of the characters, but here are some ideas:

Bonnie's route would be all about survival activities like roughing out in the wild and fixing up stuff. She starts a little wary that you will snub her, but all you really have to do to unlock her is to show interest in what she does, be humble and gentle. Eventually she'll start opening up about her childhood because she trusts the main character not to judge her. Her special gift is either an item you have to refurbish yourself, or something handmade. She'll give you a handcarved figurine in exchange. She's not fond of fancy gifts.

Baldwin will show up as a friendly company early, but he's so generally nice and polite, it's hard to get to something more. He acts like a wingman NPC and will try to direct you to other routes depending on who you have affinity with. You basically need to sit on his lap and get on his face to get it through that no, you don't want someone else. He likes the classics and will return in kind: flowers, pretty curiosities, books and poetry.

Reynauld's route has him avoiding romance and telling you multiple times that you have to be JUST. FRIENDS. Until he confesses that he's in love and has been for a while but everything is complicated by religion and his ruined marriage. Grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him until he stops being stupid is encouraged for his best ending. He likes practical gifts, but will often respond with more traditional romantic gestures. He likes playing knight in shining armor, yknow.

Audrey's route is easy to start, hard to finish. She'll flirt with the MC outright, go on dates, but if you just go with the flow, she'll reject your confession later. You need to communicate that you want something serious (not too early though, she'll laugh it off) and trigger the event where she freaks out about it, because she already caught feelings. If successful, she'll tell you about her failed marriage. This magpie loves shiny trinkets, of course. She'll knit you something nice in exchange. She shares the common knitter belief that if you still like your partner more than the knitted piece by the time you finish it, they're the real deal. She'll also offer all sorts of things she... found.

In William's route you basically become Fergus's second parent and you two become a couple by default. It's very cozy and feel-good compared to the more drama-filled routes, although William will eventually vent about how he felt disillusioned when he found out his colleagues were all corrupt. But now MC gets to show him a brighter world again! You should give him sweets paired with treats for Fergus. He's the only one who thinks of asking the MC what they like before reciprocating.

Boudica's has a sort of rivalmance vibe. She has to respect the MC's mettle, but that also drives her into competition mode. "I bed no weaklings", you know? There's at least one scene where wrestling gets a little... hot 8) Lots of dramatic fight scenes too. She will trade you trophies from your enemies. You can gift her a book and you'll get a scene where she awkwardly admits she's still learning to read, but you can turn it into a positive by encouraging her. If you find her something from her tribe, though, you'll get a special cutscene where she finally shows some vulnerability.

Alhazred is... a curious case. It's all by the book at the beginning, flirting, exploring each other's interests, verbal fencing, the chemistry is there... Then he explains that he likes you very much, but he has an evil eldritch god in his body. The rest of the route is finding a way to deal with this problem. Alhazred likes books, but mostly the rare and obscure ones, and curious artifacts. Flowers will wither quickly if he takes them.

Amani is like a little oyster, very closed off and taciturn in the beginning, but turns out to be very sweet if you invest the time in her. If you focus too much on her physical beauty she'll turn you away. Asking about her home, talking about music and joining her in her dance routine is the way to go. There are intimate scenes where MC helps her change her bandages and about her nightmares. Incidentally, she does like pretty things, but the gifts that show that you care about her well-being are the highest ranked (like, say, a little aromatic pouch for a good night's sleep).

Junia's shy, but oh so easy to get close to. She has a few Helga Pataki "I love you... but I hate you! But I love you!" moments, but let's be real, she has no real desire to resist a bit of happiness. She pretty much can fall in love with the MC on her own if they are nice to her, and you only have to say yes. She likes traditional flowers and sweets, but religious items with a comforting meaning are best. Litanies of forgiveness, the rosary of a saint associated with lovers, that kind of thing.

Josephine's interesting, since you can't really gift her anything that she can't get for herself, you don't get much affinity from that. In fact, when you start her romance she is the one that responds by giving you gifts, even when she seems aloof. The whole point is getting her to show affection more directly instead of leaving gifts by your bed like a cat.

Dismas is that route where you get him by good humour and bantering, but it's will-they-or-won't-they until he can see he can trust the MC in actual danger. Then you have some insinuating back and forth for a while, until he confronts the player character about what their relationship really is. Dismas appreciates practical gifts, like good leather boots or a new whetstone, and, of course, good food. If he works up the courage to show you a poem, you know you got him good.

Missandei likes a strong, reliable MC that's still gets her soft side. She's very afraid of getting attached and feeling tied down when her wanderlust strikes. If MC gets across that they would follow wherever she goes, she'll suddenly get way more positive and open. It's you and her against the world now. She'll respond well to practical gifts, much like Dismas, but her favorites are actually the cutesy ones. Absolutely buy her sweets shaped like animals and soft plushies. She will gift back items to ensure the player's safety and health (really useful in this game).

Bigby is... complicated. The more he likes the MC the more he'll push them away, even hide from them if he must. What you have to do is prove that you can deal with his beastly side. That involves getting yourself in danger, so you better have a plan (his and Alhazred's are routes where you can actually die if you fuck up). Offer this man comfort, for the love of god. Chamomile tea, hot chocolate, a soft blanket, anything. Comforting religious items also work on him.

Paracelsus's route is another that is mainly about being supportive, like Bonnie's except it's about nerdery. Listening to her rants and actively participating in conversation when she throwing ideas around is half of the battle. Bring her specimens and she'll gift her experiments to you. You might need to be a guinea pig once or twice. This is also one where the MC needs to confess, because she'll have trouble identifying romantic love until they bring it up.

Sarmenti is the master of misdirection. He can turn anything into a joke, so flirting with him is rather difficult. Really, you got to be a friend first: stand by him and consistenly show concern. He will act out to indirectly push the MC away, that's when you need to call his bluff, at which point he'll confess. You have a special questline to repair his lute, it acts as his special gift. He'll make you a little puppet of himself ("so you won't miss me when you need a punchline!").

Barristan considers himself out of commission due to his age in the beginning of the game, but once you get flirting? Oh, that man is not dead, no, sir. He'll get some of his old vanity back and try to strut his stuff for the MC, but also be terrified of losing them. The real confrontation is less about the romance and more about him turning into a helicopter partner. His special gift is a custom shield. He won't be happy until you get a proper date with wine, flowers and good food.

Tardif's route is secret. You don't actually have an affinity meter or gifts for him, but when he aproves something you do you will get a little sound cue that can be easily missed. You have to avoid romancing someone else. You will know you are on the right path by other characters commenting that he scared someone off of courting MC. Then you will trigger a special event where you go out on a hunt together. There the magic happens.

Damian's route will unlock only after you finish the game once. Upon replay, he will start to say he feels signs from the Light about the MC, but is unsure what they mean. It's difficult as hell to complete, since you have to not push him completely away but still discourage his extreme religious views. He will accept religious and practical items, but they don't give much affinity. A Flagellant can't be attached to worldly items.

#darkest dungeon #asks #anon #dd lists #dd ensemble

33 notes · View notes

shirogane-oushirou · 10 days

Text

↓↓ the stinky. the silly. the baby. he's so little and adorable. don't make fun of his early-game no-money-limited-choices clothes, he'd be sad T-T also, top one is the lake where adult!ren and i meet if i choose galar as the setting :3c

anyway idk if i'm playing any more despite not even reaching the first gym AKJNDSKJN

[ venting about having a bad time playing pkmn sword + talking around the dex.it Thing]

not me going "lalalala i wonder how many of our pkmn i can use to put a team together for my ren file in swsh?? teehee~~" and looking up the unobtainable pkmn list.

guess how many pkmn from our COMBINED teams i can get in the base game?......... three (3). one early game, two mid-to-late game. i could get 3 more in the post-game dlc, one through raids only, but idek if i'd WANT to replay the dlc...

then i looked at SV's unobtainable pkmn to see if i should play that instead, and it's a similar story. hell, both unobtainable pkmn lists have a LOT of crossover, which feels A Little Fucked to me. just how many people got shafted TWICE on the switch???

and suddenly i was hit with the force of how exhausted i was w this game after my first run-through... so now i'm instantly turned off from playing again jskdnjfJNSFJKN.

if i can't access half of my favs in EITHER mainline switch game, and the wild area feels this awful and overbearing to even RUN ACROSS through without catching anything, nevermind it being the core pkmn catching area... i have other games i can play instead :) and i'll just have to hope and pray that my babies show up in legends Z-A 😔

ugggghhhhhh. at least i got to make my little freak and scope out wedgehurst, and while i did want to see some of the places i think ren would want to study... maybe i can find an LP as a refresher. i think that's all i need from the game.

...i just realized this fits ren's lore too KJANKJDNKSJFNK omfg. ren starting his journey and having some fun (routes 1 and 2), suddenly getting overwhelmed and realizing very quickly that he's more interested in non-battling activities during his travels (looking at the scenery like the route 2 lake), so he quits his gym challenge to focus his attention elsewhere (him: spore research, photography, foraging... me: idk playing more of x or digging into my otome game backlog LOL)

i have so much more i could rant about w how uncomfy game.freak made this game (ex the pokedex constantly popping up to show you what you should catch instead of just... letting you play at your own pace...), and i have some positives (i think this was the right direction to go wrt the stylized character models and vibrant environment colors), but i'll stop here kjsnfkjn. i don't want to go full hater mode on a selfship post LMALSKDN.

#my feelings on dex.it have fluctuated so much ksjndkjn like. i was anti-dex.it bc i was sympathetic to the overworked staff #but then all of that evidence came out that the reasoning was all lies and they were reusing the old models and animations #(which doesn't mean the labor issues arent present -- it just means pkmn company found a way to cut corners to push a game out #instead of taking their time and treating ppl at game.freak better to make a better game)#and now with SV out we can see how many pkmn they've left out in BOTH games which like....#if i were at the company i would be ABSOLUTELY SURE to include every pkmn not included in swsh???? to appease dex.it people????#man. idk. 3ds > switch pkmn once again. i just wish i had it in me to continue IF ONLY to dress ren up like a fashion doll LMAO #let me transfer ren into my og save file so i have access to all of the stores and have tons of money ;w;#(tbc i'm not poopoo-ing the characters in these games. i only have a couple of specific character complaints in the switch games #and i have just as many issues w characters (if not more) in 3ds and earlier games. this is purely from a gameplay standpoint)#📌 [ my posts. ]#💭 [ my thoughts. ]#🐸 [ look ahead. ]#vent -

6 notes · View notes

froggymarsh · 1 year

Note

Thinking about littles during double life. The idea that you can feel your soulmate’s feelings through the bond but that translates during regression as well. If one soulmate is regressed the other one starts to regress as well. Makes for many tiny ones but also conversations with a lot of people and cgs who have never regressed before who suddenly feel regressed. Idk I think I am not explaining it well but it is in my brain

nodnodnodnodnodnodnodnod

For Jimmy and Tango, it’s something familiar to bond over. After the initial explosion they’re scrambled and panicking- Tango is small, Jimmy’s freaking out, but through the soul link there’s a familiar sort of fuzz- Jimmy realizes he’s felt this before, and jumps right into Caregiver mode. “Hey bud, breathe for me,” he takes his hands and gives a light squeeze, “in and out, it’s okay.” - it’s something to bond over, something less terrifying than a shell of a heartbeat around their own. Jimmy likes knowing that Tango is happy, regressing because he’s comfortable. Jimmy likes knowing that he’s wanted, that he’s doing something right. Tango likes it because for once he can actually know for a fact how small his buddy is- he feels more comfortable caregiving for someone when he can kinda sorta feel what they need.

when Tango was getting the Warden there was a lot of back and forth of big and little- they were mildly stressing each other out and making each other regress because Tango is. u know. doing something terrifying and Jimmy is trying to cover for him. Lots of excitement there skskdjfjf

Martyn and Cleo feel Caregiver urges- Martyn likes to run around and tease all of the regressors when they’re little (grian and timmy especially), and Cleo is taking care of a mildly distressed little Scott pretty often. they can feel the energy of the other- Cleo becomes a little more playful with Martyn’s influence, Martyn learns how to be more soothing and soft. They ignore the swell of protectiveness that comes from the other that washes through the link when one of them regresses.

Scott and Pearl on and off vent regress- mostly because of Pearl. Any time she’s alone, without people or without Tilly, she’ll get lost in her own head and think she’s unloved- she’ll regress and cry because nobody wanted her- nobody wanted to be her soulmate. Scott can feel it, and that doubled with his guilt has him regressing. It’s a dangerous loop they’ve caught themselves in. Cleo does her best to help Scott feel better- having Tilly helps Pearl a lot.

Etho and Joel are. Ough. Joel tends to regress more when he’s around other people- his friends are safe and fun so he tends to go little brain almost every time they hang out. When Etho’s there, he’s basically got a permanent playmate/babysitter. He’s having the time of his life!! He takes nothing seriously and runs everywhere and he’s regressed and having so much fun. This translates down their link to Etho, who is usually so introverted about his regression. He doesn’t talk about it like ever and only regresses around maybe 4 people, so when Joel’s a little manic and having so much fun being little, it makes Etho want a part of that. He regresses for fun for almost the first time ever and it’s the best thing he’s ever done.

Grian and Scar are uh. Well. They did this back in Third Life, didn’t they? They kept an eye on each other whenever one or the other would go small, learned every trigger both safe and not, learned what bedtime voices were favorites, took turns playing prince on Pizza the llama- but this time they’re holding each other at an arm’s length. Neither are jazzed about being soulmates after Last Life, so it’s a little clipped and colder than the first time around.

It’s torture to feel each other’s emotions.

Grian’s poker face means nothing when Scar can feel how much he’s freaking out, how desperately he wants to be small, to be held, for someone to preen his wings, to be safe, to be safe, to be safe-

Scar’s confidence means nothing when Grian can feel the unsurety- the anxiety, every time someone draws a sword Scar inwardly shrinks in on himself, despite his calm, cool, collected appearance.

They’re terrified and desperate for comfort. And both of them are ignoring it.

BigB learns about puppy regression because of Ren and he LOVES it

i have no thoughts about impulse and bdubs skskdjf

#I almost forgot BigB and Ren skskdjfjf #I counted and there was 6 and I just sat there like. who am I missing. there’s one more Who Is It #then. the puppies. baby boys <3 <3 #lemme know if I forgot someone else I’d cry #sorry this took a second!!#mcyt agere #life series agere

28 notes · View notes

maxdark158 · 11 months

Text

Making my own rottmnt timeline (that includes lost episodes) and i think I'm going to start making vent posts instead of finding new friends to harass with my problems until they're exhausted/hj

So far I've put the episodes in a tenuous order. Because they aired out of order (evidence: hypno part deux happens at the same time as repo mantis but airs well after repo mantis AND the appearance of the turtle tank, also the first episode to show hueso is the fast and furriest, NOT the episode they meet him) I've had to basically just. Use context clues to the best of my ability and a lot of pain, suffering, and some tears. Now I'm going to try and make a timeline based on. Ya know. Time. As much as I can anyway with the like 4 dates the series provides

Below the cut is copy pasted woes I've sent to a friend

(These messages are sent to a friend over 24 hours of agony)

Fml btw

I'm trying to figure out a timeline for rottmnt

It is n ot easy

Also... I think I'm going to make my life even more hellish and include the lost episodes

I do actually have a pretty great source for those luckily!

https://turtlepedia.fandom.com/wiki/User_blog:Archer.Warrior/The_Lost_ROTTMNT_Episodes

There's a number of episodes that have nothing besides their episode name, some of which one of the creators said could be fake episide names. It's mentioned in this post

https://www.tumblr.com/yujateaandpi/704460357578670080/our-happygirl500-fan-so-ive-been-digging?source=share

these are all the episodes that have NO released stuff besides the episode name. not a description, not any concepts, nothing. some of them i do think are real (april showers and mayhem flowers) but some of them. no idea tbh

the post discusses 2 that person thinks are real based on context clues but yeah idk how many of these ill include in my timeline given i have NOTHING to go off of 😭

April showers mayhem flowers I think is to address mayhem leaving

Maybe splash hogs is something to do with the shell hogs or meat sweats?

In the og battle nexus NY, big mama and shredder were supposed to fall down to the hidden city, her hotel completely crashing down through NY. Maybe spiders web widens was supposed to be them helping big mama, or trying to, something referenced in the aired version of the episode when splinter tried to help her?

Friend: I think that could be likely. Read something awhile a back stating that, season 2 was gonna be more focused on big mama as the villain n so on and that.. would've really fit

Yepp. Cause the funny thing is that battle nexus NY was supposed to happen MID SEASON

And after that, they're basically trying to find her and the shredder cause they both booked it, racing against the foot to do so

Also something I realized since I'm obsessing over rottmnt atm:

It's Mrs. Cuddles

Who the FUCK is she married to??

-later-

I can feel my brain deteriorating

So fast and the furriest, newsworthy, and mascot melee, HAVE to occur before Bug Busters in the timeline. That also means hypno part deux and repo HAVE to occur before then, as well as donnie's gifts and newsworthy. Mascot Melee is the latest to occur in that bunch, because it's the only one post turtle tank debut. The rest are either the debut episode or don't have any turtle tank

So far so good, right?

Thing is timeline wise I'm trying to also follow along mystic power trends, so raphs episodes struggling with mystic powers/not yet doing a full body mode has to also be before bug busters. War and pizza, minotaur maze, and maybe longest fight? If I remember right?

Well longest fight does have to be earlier in the timeline because raph says "the freaky flame guys are back stealing jewelry", kind of implying this is the second time they've seen the foot, so it's def earlier/mid season

Friend: I admire you for how dedicated you are to this- doing what Nick refused to do.

That does sound right!

(Thank you dude that helped a lot)

Not to mention they underestimate the flame guys enough to keep watching skateboarding, cause they got a decently good victory against them the first time

Minotaur maze ALSO has to be pre turtle tank, because that's the episode they discover the mutant pizza place, which they visit when trying to find the turtle tankI think the gumbus happened while donnie was building the turtle tank. It's an introduction episode, so its earlier in the series, but there's 0 donnie (or raph, but raph could also be doing his own thing or helping get materials for don)I do think there should be some episodes between repo and turtle tank, because that was NOT a quick build, but there's only like 3 episodes without donnie and 2 of them have to happen a bit later

You got served has to happen after portal jacked, because portal jacked is when leo went from "annoying ass gremlin" to "begrudgingly my nephew". Why would hueso call for Leo's help pre portal jacked with how he was acting during the start of portal jacked? I think portal jacked is after the fast and the furriest, and cause Leo's been going there a lot he sees hueso as an adult he can get help from even tho hueso is annoyed af by him

And portal jacked should also happen earlier cause leo still doesn't understand how to get to the hidden city on his own, but if it happened after splinter began getting involved again not only would he be able to ask for the doohickey again, he'd probably *go to his dad for help in the first place*

So portal jacked is definitely BEFORE shadows of evil, despite what air dates tell you

Leo's portal powers are also more improved than the start, he's able to make large portals and usually succeeds at making them, but he gets the location wrong. Its probably just before or after late fee, where he also makes a large portal, but seems unsure if it'll work. Probably similar timing to mutant menace too, cause he makes a large portal but doesn't control where it'll go very well

So portal jacked is earlier making you got served later so it can't happen before bug busters

Nothing but truffle is the other no donnie episode, it has to happen AFTER Mrs cuddles though because she's in the episode. It also happens after repo, which does mean it *could* be while donnie is building the tank, but it's kind of implied meat sweats has seen mikey more than once or twice.

Idk, tbh I have a lot of trouble placing nothing but truffle

so far this is the timeline im most sure on. the highlighted episodes I have concrete evidence for their placement. i've inferenced the other two tbh but they make sense

as you can see, i havent even gotten to bug busters yet. it's so confusing rip

i think purple jacket has to be pre turtle tank because if the dragons could steal donnie's leathal weapon filled tank and use it, why would they NOT?? but they only stole his battle shells and tech bo, so i presume the tank wasn't finished yet so they didn't bother stealing it

shell in a cell just has to happen earlier to allow ghost bear to continue being a nuicence, i put it where it makes sense i think? may move it an episode or two higher or lower, but it's definitely within this list somewhere

I just thought this placement made sense cause the raph/leo fight in minotaur maze wasn't really resolved, so that tension could carry over to shell in a cell in which they make up and fight together

Smart lair I think is post bullhop, and bullhop is ABSOLUTELY post pizza pit

Things get more muddled after bug busters

The only things that have to happen a certain way is Pizza Pit -> Bullhop -> Smart Lair -> Mind Meld. There can be episodes between them, but they have to be in that order

-later-

Oh my god

Cloak and swaggart might be WAY EARLIER in the timeline than i ever expected what

There's a potential cameo of the Sandro Brothers pre mutation in it???

I'm losing my mind this would move every sunita episode up by a LOT

Cause this is the last sunita episode!!! But it has to happen pre evil league of mutants??

Oh my god

Now are they wearing cloaking brooches or name tags?

Probably name tags

Cause of the shape. Brooches are. Well. Brooches. Very semicircle. These are flat

But also this fucks with the timeline so badly?? Cause now shelldon has to be moved up, but also splinter is taking them on a training mission?? He didn't begin seriously training them until AFTER shadows of evil!

Fuck it. They're cloaking brooches. They panicked cause "I recognize that pig dude"

-later-

Should mystic library be before or after shadows of evil?

It's definitely later, cause raph uses full form mystic powers and increased size, his mystic powers are very adept. But how late?

Friend: Aftwr

Thank you

-later-

Tbh the biggest wrench in everything is Snow Day

Because Snow Day clearly takes place in *winter*

But there is NO WINTER IN ANY OTHER EPISODE

So it is just. An outlier

-later-

(NO SHAME ON THE PERSON WHO MADE THE INCORRECT TIMELINE BTW, THIS SHIT IS H ARD, I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND MISTAKES)

If you read through all that thank you, you're lovely

#rottmnt #rottmnt timeline #rottmnt timeline torture saga #save rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #bring back rise #bring back rise of the tmnt

17 notes · View notes

lady-lazagna · 8 months

Note

i hope u dont mind me throwing in three little guys for thr oc ask

ashton vita and acec >:3

I mind very much how DARE you >:0 /j

I’ll start with our resident Filipino legend Acec since he’s in the same timeline as my gang. Xe’s a very OuO guy, so I think at first Ash and Kylie would be a bit put off, maybe try but struggle to hold conversations with him. They may eventually they warm up to him when they realise xe is just A Guy and not a changling of some kind. But fellow autism Madina knows there’s no need for flowing conversations when you have funny little pictures to share. They’d hit it off best with their simultaneous lack of seriousness and genuine sincerity. They snoop around team Dungeon collecting The Goss. They sit quietly and watch mcyt videos for hours on end, eyes dead and legs bouncing. Madina would pick him up and swing him around like Mario swinging Gay Bowser. Also they both like beautiful men. Maybe they can double date and re-introduce Tsubasa and Bao to each other, since they definitely do not remember each other at all. God bless amercia o7

Trucker Dave is the person who’s most likely to know Vita and the crew since he's Coach Steel’s husband. Idk if Steel’s still the main coach in the Zero Era but ain’t no way he’s out of there completely, so Dave still passes through from time to time. And if he notices a kid having a rough time, he'll try to offer a bit of Queer Trucker Wisdom. With Vita being the leader of her team and also queer, it's likely Dave could notice her going through some Stuff and give some good ol' advice, maybe let her pet his dog while she vents a bit. They both seem to have very calming and trusting presences so I think they'd get on quite well.

Now, ASHANTI. Ash would LOVE Vita. In her time, she was the only female team leader in the championships, so seeing an up-and-coming female team leader would be absolutely delightful. At that point she's also a beyblading coach, so maybe she could reach out and give some advice? Offer some training or even a mentorship if she can stand being in the US for that long? They're both sort of "older sister" figures, so she could also help Vita navigate the feelings that come with that (also them combined with Aria and Kylie?? Slay).

The Birrung girls would see Ashton Angsto and think "man aren't we glad we had no dudes on our team" or maybe "wow the kids these days have problems. we had problems once." But they don't see him as a threat to anyone as much as just a dickhead who'll hopefully learn about the magic of friendship, as all other minor dickheads in the championships tend to do. So long as he stays in his lane and doesn't join any evil corporations, they won't sick any wild hounds on him (although if Ash is also Vita's mentor... then that might change. Go full Madina mode if you know what I mean (I really don't care that you're a baby, I'll snap your neck like a twig)).

#autism gang autism gang #eeheehee wise mentors go brrrrrr #mfb oc #mfb original character #oc ashanti savage #oc kylie cook #oc madina ndukwe #oc trucker dave #lazagna ocs #oc ask game

9 notes · View notes

pawsimses · 11 months

Text

WARNING: PERSONAL IRRATIONAL VENTING BELOW. BRAIN IS IN SHUTDOWN MODE.

Hey uh I get some of y'all are very much "I called it" about SWTOR's "downfall" (which is based in a lot of misinformation and pure speculation BTW, plz actually research stuff outside the IGN article, I beg you people...) but can I not see that shit in the tags for five minutes?

As someone who is neurodivergent (autism + other stuff) and hyperfixates on the game, this kind of shit is what sets me off. This game may not be much and it may be someone's Disappointment, but this game has also been my point of happiness for years and has helped me get through a lot of rough patches with my mental health. Seeing this shit everywhere and all the negative responses towards the game and news, it tears my soul down. I feel dead inside.

I get it wasn't much for people in the end, but it gave me life when real life otherwise keeps backhanding me over and over again.

I'm not saying for people to stop voicing an opinion. I'm just... Tired. Of the fanbase and former fans same old negative bullshit. Of IGN (fuck you who wrote that article btw), of EA, of Bioware, of everything. I just want some space where I can sit and not have everything crumble around me for five minutes.

I'm not going anywhere. I'm a stubborn mule and will have high hopes until the end. I just wish I didn't have to sacrifice my sanity for it I guess. Idk. My brain is thrown right now.

Apologies for the rant.

#swtor #fandom discourse #personal rant #will probably delete later #i really didnt need this shit right now #autism is a b to reckon with

12 notes · View notes

dxscmfrt · 3 months

Text

IMAGINE CLUBHOUSEBLR LMAOOOOOO i think they would get a shit ton of hate on the daily while just trying to exist in peace because they are part of the club house

btw to people who didnt come to my blog for ocs i love making fake posts so if you don't want to see that please block #fake post. thabks

to everyone else fair warning there is a Lot of (fictional) negativity (including and related to people publicly wishing death on others) in the fake posts below. proceed with caution.

azuregaming - azure metaphoricaldistance - yonder clubhouse - blog for club house updates, run by faye, liv, and poppie fayes-diary - faye kitchencat - liv farfaraway - faye's vent blog pocketfullofposies - poppie urlocalflutist - mel

any other usernames not listed here are complete strangers who happen to interact

0 notes

🎮 azuregaming Follow

🖍️ metaphoricaldistance Follow

how. did you Do that

🖍️ metaphoricaldistance Follow

azure answer me

50,378 notes

🏚️ clubhouse Follow

Hey everyone! I thought since you all love stealing my photos so much (no worries, I get it hahaha!) I decided to get a photocopyer so you all can copy the photos to put in your own room! So my photo album can always be complete!

and to the anon who keeps sending us hate, fuck off. get a job

-mod faye <3

📔 fayes-diary Follow

to be honest i don't even know why i bother updating the club house blog anymore

🍳 kitchencat Follow

Faye swearing?!?!??!!?

📔 fayes-diary Follow

THAT WAS AN OLD POST

38 notes

🎮 azuregaming Follow

whats up guys i just downloaded mine craft! Time to make myself a mansion of diamonds!

🎮 azuregaming Follow

NOOOOOO A CREEPER BLEW ME UP

🎮 azuregaming Follow

WHY CAN TI REASPWN

🎮 azuregaming Follow

I ACCINTDENTALLY PLAYED IN HARDCORE MODE

186 notes

🥀 farfaraway Follow

why does everybody i love leave me...

0 notes

pocketfullofposies-deactivated

Ughh the kid in the attic is so annoying I want to throw her out of a window

pocketfullofposies-deactivated

Seriously what makes you think you can just walk in here and take my room?? Lmao bitch know your place, ur just a kid from the streets idk why faye and oliver even decided to keep you

🍳 kitchencat Follow

Poppie, could you have at least a little bit of respect for Yonder? We let them in here because they had nowhere else to go. Their family kicked them out of their home. It's our job to give them the best life we can give. I don't want to see you call them 'her' again.

16 notes

🏚️ clubhouse Follow

a moment of silence for poppie, our gardener.

2002 - 2013

strange--people-deactivated

DESERVED. club house sucks i hope all you kids and your bullshit die

🪈 urlocalflutist Follow

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? OUR FRIEND DIED AND THIS IS HOW YOU TREAT HER!? AND WISHING DEATH ON PEOPLE BECAUSE OF RUMORS THE NEWS SPREAD TWO YEARS AGO? HAVE SOME RESPECT!

🍳 kitchencat Follow

Well I guess they won't be bothering anyone anymore

1,904 notes

🎮 azuregaming Follow

guys whos poppie

🎮 azuregaming Follow

???

2 notes

#yeah btw for context club house takes place in earlyish 2010s #original character #club house #clubhouseblr #but at this point this is just azureblr lmao #fake post #unreality #rice's thoughts #club house faye #club house oliver #club house melody #club house poppie #club house yonder #club house azure

3 notes · View notes

netscapenavigator-official · 9 months

Text

Idk how to explain this without being long-winded, but it’s my blog so whatever.

Basically, I have a 2011 MacBook Pro 15”. I’ve replaced the battery and upgraded the RAM and replaced the 500GB HDD with a 500GB SSD. It’s great! The machine is truly the fastest mobile computer I have.

The 2011 MBP was let go from software updates a while ago, meaning, natively, macOS High Sierra is as high as I can get the thing.

Luckily, this computer is from an era when Apple actually made computers and not eWaste, so I just erased macOS off of it and flashed Zorin OS (an Ubuntu-based Linux distro) onto it. The computer is now even better! It’s my primary productivity machine. The display, speakers, battery life, and thermals are all pretty bad, but it’s just so snappy and problem free I can’t help it.

Now, when I set up Zorin OS I used LVM Encryption to encrypt the entire disk. Basically, upon booting, before anything happens, I’m prompted with a password box. Once I put in the encryption key, the computer would continue booting and bring me to my usual login screen. Great! Easy peasy, extra secur-sy. Well. That was the case.

Somehow, in my efforts to find a way to stop Linux from using my MBP’s Discrete GPU in favor of its Integrated (more efficient, less power hungry) one, I broke something in the EFI or SMC idk. Reinstalling didn’t help. MacOS Recovery mode didn’t help. The only way I fixed it was by wiping the device, running the installer USB, downloading the script I used to fuck it up, and then running it to undo what I previous had it do. This worked. Luckily, I was keeping the machine backed up with Timeshift. So, I wiped the computer again and installed Zorin OS, fresh, reinstalled Timeshift, and restored from backup. The only problem?

When I reinstalled Zorin, I didn’t use LVM Encryption because I was tired of having to manually type in that 25 randomized character password I chose. As a result, now every time I boot the computer, I’m prompted with a “Waiting for encrypted device, (name).” That prevents the machine from booting for about 5 minutes until it just randomly decides “ope, never mind” and finally takes me to my login screen. It does nothing in prohibiting me from using the computer expect prolong it. It’s just annoying and weird as hell, and I have no idea how to get rid of it.

Clearly, the way Timeshift resorted the device has it thinking it’s still an encrypted volume, and I have no idea how to tell it that it is not.

But anyway, it just aggravates me, and I needed to ramble and vent about it. Carry on.

#rambles #computer #computer operating system #os #software #linux #zorin #zorinos #zorin os #annoying #annoyance #apple #fuck apple #macbook #macbook pro

8 notes · View notes

runfast-runfar · 7 months

Text

Anxious Attachment is fucking rough to navigate man...

Getting anxious about friendships is so difficult to work through and even more difficult for others to understand. I have one friendship in particular who is such a kind hearted and genuinely good person but even that isn't enough to quiet the anxiety that comes with having literally anyone remotely close to me. If there is ever ANY slight change in demeanor or change in tone/body language/even a variance in wording via text... it will spin me around and flip everything upside down.

I spoke to this friend on the phone during my lunch break at work and she sounded a bit off (she has her own work stuff going on so I rationally know that is why she sounded stressed and a bit short), but even knowing that that change sends me into a tail spin. And after our call I sent her a text apologizing for venting to her and basically said I'll stop talking to her about things and how some things are just better left unsaid. Then put my phone on airplane mode because I was afraid of her response. Idk why I was afraid because rationally this friend is so patient and loving and kind regardless, but then there's this little voice inside my head constantly saying "THIS will be the moment she is done. THIS will be the specific instance where she drops your ass. "THIS will be when she realizes you're just no longer worth the effort/time/energy." And it's a cycle I can never ever break. Not permanently.

I don't know how to not be this way. I don't know how to break this cycle that I am forever in, and that breaks my heart bc I have friendships that mean so so much to me and I know by being this way I am risking losing them. I risk pushing them away. I risk getting too attached and that driving them away. It feels like I am walking in a minefield where every single tiny step I make I risk blowing everything up. And living like that is exhausting. To the point where it gets hard to just function.

And all I want, more than anything, is to be able to be different. To be able to have even just this one friendship, free of these anxieties and incessant fears. Just this one.

#me #friendships #relationships #life #personal #mental health #recovery #attachment styles #anxious attachment #anxiety

3 notes · View notes