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gingerbreadmonsters · 2 years

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wip not-wednesday (catch up edition)

[HEAD IN HANDS] IVE MISSED SO MANY TAGS IM SO SORRY - snippet sundays, wip wednesdays, fragment fridays... as an apology, this is basically a mega-compilation of all of the above, featuring bits and pieces of:

for snippet sunday - who knew it could be so difficult for poor elliott to make a cup of tea?

for wip wednesday - in which i absorb rae’s “sam and lovely are siblings” agenda

for whenever wip - ???? pretending to have a philosphy degree

for the last line tag - idk if this is the right thing, but it’s (what is currently) the last line of a certain something for milo and sweetheart, as inspired by the lovely @teaseat hehe

(tags for @autisticempathydaemon @sealriously-sealrious @glassbearclock @sri-rachaa and @romirola - all of whom gave me lovely tags and then i completely dropped the ball 😵‍💫😵‍💫)

snippet sunday - from motion capture

The kettle rattles on its stand as it boils, a faint plume of steam drifting towards the ceiling while he gets his breakfast together. A mug from the cupboard, a teabag from the box, the box of cereal from the shelf. Nothing too complicated. There are things that need to be done today. Which drawer has the cutlery in again? He sets the blue mug next to the purple one on the counter, so that he can choose which one to drink out of.

(He chooses the purple one every time, but he always gets the blue one out as well. Just in case he feels like using it. It doesn’t feel right to leave it behind in the cupboard.)

He puts the box of cereal on the table and goes to sit down, but has to turn around when he realises he needs a bowl. Of course he does. Left hand cupboard, above the plates. He forgot yesterday, as well. Does he have a spoon? Yes, from the cutlery drawer. Of course he does. Obviously. He just got it out. He shakes his head a little, brushing off the doubt, and heads over to the table to set down the cereal bowl.

The water finishes boiling, so he goes to make the tea. Tea is a very good drink to have in the mornings. A comforting routine. Muscle memory. He drops the teabag into the mug (purple, always the purple one) and reaches for the kettle. The plastic handle is warm, and the sloshing water inside is very heavy. God, there’s a lot in here. How much tea was he going to make?

One for me, and one for you.

wip wednesday - from 五二零

me: what’s he planning :) tell me :)

sandwich cullen: Hello to you too

me: ik he’s told you something i saw you two plotting together at the last clan meeting while fred was talking

me: i see all :))) you cannot hide :))) tell me what he’s planning

sandwich cullen: Who says we were planning something

sandwich cullen: We could have been talking about anything

me: ????? i have vampire ears now i could HEAR you talking about it

me: also your mate told me that he was at your house yesterday and you were booking something online together BUSTED

sandwich cullen: First of all rude

sandwich cullen: Maybe we were planning something for my mate

me: liar you weren’t your mate HATES surprises

me: if you were planning a surprise you would have at least told them that you were going to do SOMETHING

me: and i already asked them and they said you haven’t mentioned anything BUSTED

me: TELL ME

sandwich cullen: No

me: WHY :(((

sandwich cullen: Vincent would kill me I don’t need that

me: spoilsport :(

me: at least a hint??

sandwich cullen: No

sandwich cullen: It’s nothing bad and he says you’ll like it

me: …fine i see how it is

me: have fun when i invite your mate to the masquerade first and you have to turn up with vincent instead

sandwich cullen: WHAT

me: bc they WILL say yes

me: and you know how william gets about everybody entering in pairs

sandwich cullen: DONT YOU DARE

sandwich cullen: GET BACK HERE

sandwich cullen is typing…

wip whenever - from return to me

You might stare at him, incredulous, disbelieving. Yeah, right. How can you say that? It’s impossible. Where do heads end and necks begin?

Very well, trickster god, he would say, taking your challenge head-on. Let me explain it a different way.

The explanation wouldn’t be very complicated. You’d have no trouble understanding if he helped you.

Let’s start at the beginning. The most basic. All things that exist must exist, right? The criteria for being 'a thing that exists' is 'it must exist'. And if it exists, then it must have properties of some sort. Physical or metaphysical, it must have some sort of properties that distinguish it from all of the other 'things that exist'. Otherwise, all 'things that exist' would by definition be identical, because they would have no defining qualities to separate them from each other, as 'existing' is their only quality. Does that make sense?

You’d nod. I… think so? Never took you for the existential type.

last line tag - from ever thine, ever mine

(They find it tucked into the front of their third case file the next day. The telepath from downstairs comes to ask about a document, and the whole wonderful ordeal starts all over again.)

#redacted asmr #redacted audio #IM SO SORRY IVE BEEN AWFUL WITH THESE #im fighting for my life with these four but im really excited about them #also title drop for 'return to me'!!! its a bit of a mess rn but i like where its going #my brain is rattling hehe

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listen-to-the-inner-walrus · 9 months

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tagged by @ragnarokhound <3

name: kai (yes im a trans man named kai, its a good name, okay?)

pronouns: he/they

where do you call home: eh the general answer is west of england, midlands and up. theres a sentimental answer but its a pretty small area so im not gonna potentially dox myself in a tag game dhdjsjs

favourite animal: walrus all the way, baby! although my url is actually unrelated to my love of walruses. theyre just the best animals, theyre big old chunky boys with two big front teeth that can grow to over 3ft in length. when on land, they huddle together in cuddle piles. AND mama walruses can use their flippers to pick up their babies and cuddle them to their chest; tell me thats not the cutest thing youve heard today.

cereal of choice: im not really a cereal person or like a breakfast person at all, but if im having it, golden nuggets or nothin'

visual, auditory or kinesthetic learner: ...all of them? idk, it depends on what im learning. auditory probably less so than the others just because my auditory processing isnt just trash, its trash the binmen wont take.

first pet: my parents had four cats before they had me and my brother so i guess them? they were thomas, alfred, cally and misty. my uncle, who incidentally doesnt believe in seatbelts, named alfred.

favourite scent:

no but seriously i have a very strong scent of smell which is part of why im such a picky eater like im yet to meet a food that smelt bad and tasted good, but i just,,,, dont have a favourite scent?

my brother gave me a lynx body spray of his he didnt want pretty soon after i came out the third time, as trans this time, and its definitely a he got the spirit moment so i guess that.

do you believe in astrology: nah, its not my thing really. all the more to you if its yours as long as you dont try to ascribe my behaviour to me being a taurus, thats the mental illness or the autism or the adhd or the neurological disorder thats pushing my eyes out of my skull very slowly.

how many playlists on spotify/apple music: 28 which is more than i thought i had. right now, theres only like 3 im cycling through named dead reckoning, the old swan, and dutch angle / danish pastry.

sharpies or highlighters: yeah so like, we could never afford sharpies in my house so its highlighters my default. sharpies are like mega expensive in the uk and by mega expensive, i mean unaffordable for a child of a working class single parent.

songs that make you cry: hmm. thats kinda difficult because whether i cry depends almost entirely on my mood. if i had to name some, i guess id go with:

a little fall of rain, turning and empty chairs at empty tables from the london cast recording of les mis (its vital to specify this, okay?); george blagdens secret? recording of drink with me; breathe from in the heights; flowers, doubt comes in, promises, gone im gone, and we raise our cups from hadestown (are you sensing a theme yet?); unruly heart from the prom; here i go again specifically from the rock of ages musical (and NOT the tom cruise movie, i saw this musical live and i cried); i know where ive been by queen latifah, and also from pretty much any hairspray cast recording; if i met myself again, ugly in this ugly world and hes my boy from everybodys talking about jaime and i have sobbed at all three of these songs.

and finally: grandmas song, deep into the ground, he could be a star and once we were kids from billy elliot, and yes i cry at most of act 2, i was raised working class in a working class area that was once revered for its industry and has since been forgotten and left to drown in poverty, how am i meant to not cry at it?

songs that make you happy: hmm again. throw the entirety of the first mamma mia soundtrack onto the list. then welcome to paradise & coming clean by green day (when i was a very depressed teenager, listening to green day always made me feel better, both about the world and about myself); the irony of choking of a lifesaver by all time low because its moms favourite song of theirs and weve gone to see them live five times together; merry christmas maggie thatcher from billy elliot because fuck that bitch; legend of coco chanel from everybodys talking about jaime; sexy from the mean girls musical; do it for your lover by manel navarro; strangers & i dont want to talk about me by stereo jane (the strangers music video is so fucking bisexual yall); king of my heart by sub-radio; ghost ship of cannibal rats by billy talent; carpe diem by joker out; who the hell is edgar by teya and salena; let me entertain you by robbie williams because i sang it in karaoke as a 7 year old who did not know the words and then proceeded to get obsessed with robbie fucking williams for a while; slipping away by materia; and 68 guns by the alarm which is a funny little one because it reminds me of my dad but i still enjoy the song and ive made a conscious choice not to limit my music taste just because some asshole whos not even a good hobby ghost hunter likes it too, you know?

do you write/draw/create: all three! granted i havent done much of the first two in a while, but on my defense, losing 7-8 months worth of your memories kind of fucks you up and its oddly time consuming. also developing fainting attacks and spending a week in hospital while they fail to figure out whats wrong with you other than weirdly low blood pressure does not help. but i do have a drawing planned out to do and while i went a little too much detail on one small detail (i will justify it as soon as i actually finish it), im going to finish it. i also do origami pretty often as well as baking, and i am currently building a wooden replica of the titanic AND LISTEN, i started before the titan submersible stuff happened and i havent touched it yet because it just feels weird to, you know? also, i didnt even want to do the titanic, but like, good luck finding any starter kits that arent a) titanic and b) upwards of a £100. i would love to do a ss malolo or a mts stockholm but that aint happening and while i might be able to find an ss normandy or ss united states, im not gonna be able to afford. its titanic or bust which sucks.

tagging but no pressure: @bottlesandbarricades @vaellusvitutus @rad-roach

#tag games #ragnarokhound #big thank for tag <33

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tortademaracuya · 1 year

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17questions, 17 people

i got tagged by @thisisnotjuli , thanks for the tag!

nickname: idk Mar or Mars, idc what people call me as long as it isn’t Marta

sign: i’m 23 years old and i’m a fucking libra

height: y a vos que chota te importa? 1.60cm

last thing I googled: “Gotham Knights Discowing suit“ i hate this fucking game and their ugly suits, why wouldn’t u add it, le temen al exito

song stuck in my head: Lay All Your Love On Me

number of followers: ??? 703??? who are u people

amount of sleep: like, regularly? between 4 and 5 hours ig. im always sleepy tho

lucky number: 5, 15 and 55

dream job: animator and/or storyboarder

wearing: a purple, blue, green and pink summer dress with way too many different patterns to describe rn

movie/book that summarises you: ???

favourite song: fuck you not choosing, Pure Imagination - Kathleen, Don- Miranda

favourite instrument: otamatone, its just a little screaming dude and i respect that. also the kalimba

aesthetic: idk man im just vibing

favourite authors: dont have one :(

favourite animal noises: i like the sound tórtolas and benteveos do :) cant think of anything else rn

random: my favorite cereal is bear-shaped and oatmeal&honey flavored and if u buy it for me i will love u forever

tagging: bold of u to think i know 17 people. uhhh @almuerdesayuno @meriencena @victorxaxvale @xielianss @nb-wei-ying (if u guys want to) + whoever else wants to, just tag me and act like i did

#tag game #i started writing this 2 days ago and forgot...#anyways! no pressure #i cant think of any books rn :/

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cerealmonster15 · 1 year

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okay. OKAY. ok. um. exposing my lore. also SORRY i rarely use color these days bc ive never had a good grasp on it so it’s just. very rough ideas here. a concept if u will.

anyway lore under the cut bc it’s long and all over the place and i do not expect anyone to have the patience LOL but it will be here. for ME. 😌

FOR THE RECORD before there was really an english twst fandom anywhere, i just had my friend in discord as we dove into translations off of youtube early on. these characters kinda were born from discord ramblings and goofy inside joke doodling BUT now im going. to share or whatever. i mentioned these two here but ill probs cover all that again here as i will try to be thorough!!!

anyway i have to give backstory in like 2 sections first. these guys [if u dont care then skip to the bullets for the actual character lore/story summaries], their main purpose for existence is CATERELLA soap opera drama. WHAT is caterella you might ask??? some people in the fanbase either headcanon or theorize or au-ify cater as being in a cinderella storyline bc he’s got the 2 pushy older sisters and kind of a more solemn side he hides while trying to be all upbeat around others yadda yadda. i thought that was FUN. i have. so many different branches of caterella aus/concepts involving other potential cater ships lol, but this is the only oc route. i have a really big web of all those potential ideas but it’s VERY erratic and would be a monster of a thing to show anyone. also it’s embarrassing LOL so it stays in discord. for now.

ANYWAY. first we have CHAR (left). He’s very loosely based off prince charming from cinderella. a friendly guy, in line for the throne or whatever, and I think a third year at RSA. He’s long lost childhood friends with CATER from when they were like, five years old or something, but lost contact when cater had to move away because of his dad’s work.

Canonically, Cater has said he’s had to move around every two years or so because of his dad’s job (i think he’s a banker or something? i dont remember exactly tho). Because of this, cater’s mentioned a lot that he’s not really had childhood friends that he grew up with, like how trey, riddle, and chenya have each other.

a while ago on twitter (or pixiv? idr) when i was scrounging for fanart, I came across fanart of cater and some RSA guy smiling and waving to him, and cater looked kinda like, surprised and startled?

now this was like a Year Ago and I can’t remember how much of it was in the image vs how much came from my inference vs how much i came up with later on my own - according to my discord rambles, adeuce were in that pic in the background going :0, and it looked like they were in town shopping or something and had run into this guy. i feel like i either got the impression from the post that cater knew the guy and he was recognizing and happy to see cater, and cater was either like “uhh who r u” or “oh, uh, nice to see you too what a surprise??” and i was like oooo maybe hes a childhood friend. idr if the post or his design specified he was prince charming or if i did that myself to fit caterella better. i do not remember what the guy looked like in the post lol.

ANYWAY from there i pretty much took off running with the concept of cater having a childhood friend that had a crush on him and then was all sad when he moved away, only to run into him year’s later on sage’s island when he was in town shopping and cater was out with ace and deuce.

here r some forbidden doodles from forever ago lol

ACE JUMPSCARE!!! anyway. not important. we’ll come back to this later!!

oh also his name LOL. since he was from prince charming i was looking up names that mean charming lol, and then i found this

and i thought yknow what. if snow white is allowed to be given a name like neigie leblanche, or VIL for the EVIL QUEEN, i should be allowed prince char for prince charming klfjdsf

OKAY moving on FOR NOW to. lol. Dañarte. like i mentioned in the other post, that very much Is Not A Name and was kind of just a joke at first bc of my typo getting autocorrected.

sorry it’s BLURRY anyway he spawned into existance a few months later when i was trying to say fanart and autocorrect said Dañarte. which is just spanish for harm you. this was maybe while i was tyring to think of a name for char, my friend said it sounded like a fancy prince name, i looked up the meaning, my friend was like oh god it’s a threat, i remembered hans from frozen existed, and then that catrella line grew more branches. he eventually ended up in the role of char’s cousin and a second year[we’ll come back to that]. since hans had that whole thing of i think he was like one of 7 brothers or something he was all huffy about not having a place to rule of his own or whatever?? i was like hmm maybe he’s all jealous that his cousin’s in line for whatever throne they’re a royal family for 🤔 which flkjdslf yeah kinda ended up sounding like leona LOL dont worry about it that’s not the POINT the point is SOAP OPERA ROMANCE DRAMA!!!!

anyway. god this is already so much and i’ve barely gotten into it LOL UM... according to discord here’s a rundown of what my initial thoughts with char were:

rsa and nrc are having a mixer party thingy [hosted at RSA] and cater’s talking about how GRAMMABLE it’ll be and that he wants to find a fun outfit

he jokes(?) “oh maybe i’ll finally find my prince charming there lol~ since no one here appreciates caycay’s charm 😔”

riddle’s like 😒yea yea cater please pull your head out of the clouds and take the first years to town so you guys can do the shopping for the next unbirthday party

big brother caycay takes adeuce and probably other npcs off to do the shopping list stuff

MEANWHILE!!! at RSA, Char is hanging out with BESTIE CHENYA and talking about the mixer with nrc. chenya mentions he’s got some friends at NRC and pulls up magicam to show char some IMAGES- specifically he goes to CATER’S magicam bc riddle didnt really use magicam except that one time he made an acct to help cater study [ft in riddle’s dorm uniform story ❤] and idk trey probs doesnt post much besides maybe baking pics, dont worry about it, the important thing is that he pulls up a selfie caycay took with the heartslabyul family

[chenya voice] those are my childhood besties, trey and riddle, those are their funny little sons ace and deuce, and that one in the middle is cater, he’s fun too-

[char voice] !!! the one with orange hair you said is cater? not cater diamond, is it????

chenya goes back to the main profile page and is like ya it says his last name’s diamond

char’s all 😳 and tells chenya he knows cater, because the two of them were childhood friends!! and wonders if he’ll see cater at the mixer....

chenya goes “oooo or we could go see him right now nyahahaha” bc BOOM cater JUST posted a selfie 15 seconds ago with his adeuce sons out shopping in town!!!!

they zoom to town, chenya jumpscares his pals bc it’s the law 😌 and then char comes up to cater and is like “it’s been so long cater!!! do you remember me??” and caters like 🤔 who’s this pretty boy talking to me 🤔

said pretty boy’s like “I’m char!!! we used to play together all the time when we were little!!! but then you had to move away 🥺“ and cater’s like “....hmmm.... i do that a lot- OH!!!!! I remember now!!! wow, let’s take a reunion selfie 🤗” and they do, it’s cute.

char’s like “haha glad you remember! we were each other’s first kiss after all 😌” and caters like UM 😳 and adeuce are watching like 😯😯 and chenyas 👀

and it’s just something goofy, char’s like “yea we were like five and we had a wedding on the playground and you kissed me 😊 and then we promised to get married for real when we were old enough hahaha” [<- partially inspired by my mother telling me when i was like 2 i ‘married’ my bestie on the playground. i have no memory of this but jklsdfsd ANYWAY]

cater’s all “ahahaaaa omg that’s sooo embarrassing i cant believe you remember that!!!” and char says something like “oh yea of course I do! i had like the biggest crush on you back then and i was soooo sad when you moved away forever 🥺” and caters like oh, ummmmm 👍

still they exchange magicams/numbers/whatever and go about their business with adeuce pestering cater for the rest of the trip like the nosy little brothers they are

fast forward to heartslabyul returning to the dorm and ace [like in the doodle up there ^ lol] LOUDLY barges in shouting something like “CATER HAS A BOOOOOOOOOOYYYYFRIIIIEEEEEEENDDDDDDDD!!!!!!” and cater’s all flustered and swatting at him like ace!!! no!!!! 😤😤

riddle n trey are just ?????? confused

cater’s just like “we just ran into an old friend of mine who goes to RSA now, and he asked me to be his date to the mixer, that’s all!!!!”

juice is just like “👀diamond senpai is this the Prince Charming™ you were talking about 👀” and caters like “🤔 i was totes kidding before but this totally does feel like something ROMANTIC out of a fairytale doesn’t it? haha how fun~”

POTENTIAL AU ALTERNATE BRANCH: for some maybe light angst, a potential trey route, trey’s either quietly listening like oh.... 💔💔💔 bc secretly HE had wanted to ask cater to be his date to the mixer. OR maybe he’s feeling some sadness but isnt sure why, talks to riddle alone later about it and is all “idk what it is with me, i guess i just assumed cater would be with us at the event like the three of us usually are, but i guess... he will be busy if he has a date....” and riddle has NO romance experience in his LIFE so hes just like “hmm yes i suppose it will be different to be at an event without cater constantly at our sides, but i am sure he will still hunt us down for his ‘memories’ to take pictures of, like always 😌“ and they just kinda laugh it off for the time being. but then cater’s texting this boy more and trey’s getting increasingly more restless and coming to terms w/the fact that hes PINING after his BESTIE!!! it’s ok in this branch they would be endgame sorry char

i also had a side note of other alternative branches for vil and malleus being the endgame, like aduece gossip about cater to the first year group and somehow it makes it back to them via epel or sebek. tho vil doesnt get the full story at first and just hears some pretty rsa guy asked cater out to the mixer and hes like “was it neige 😠😒” but anyway this aint about these guys those are just. some of many caterella alts. not even all the alts are char related LOL anyway

so that’s as far as I had for that specific concept before Dañarte spawned. heres another doodle of them

ok onto evil cousin guy!!

Dañarte starts as an RSA guy but eventually will change to NRC, mirroring how hans was like ‘ooo im a nice charming prince u can trust me’ and then went all jk im a villain bye

cousin to char, second year, they more or less maybe grew up together but Dañarte never met cater or if he did it wasnt often so they wouldnt remember or know each other

Dañarte and cater meet either at the aforementioned mixer or just at RSA if cater’s over there hanging out with Char and catching up

Dañarte is all charming and sparkly like most RSA students so he and Cater hit it off real fast 😉✨ and Char’s like, oh, uhhh, ok 😅??

cater either doesnt know Char’s interested in him again or he’s just not sure what to make of it, Dañarte does know Char’s into Cater and deliberately steals him away bc he resents his cousin. petty teenager drama lol

so ya potential route, Dañarte ends up dating cater for a while. but then [VAGUE SITUATIONS] occur and they have relationship problems and break up, leaving caycay HEARTBROKEN

WHICH!! could lead to more au branching LOL for who potentially is the one to try and heal caycay’s heart, mainly either Char, Trey, or.... SURPRISE, IDIA!!! (also i guess i mentioned vil and malleus earlier lol, all these au ideas came over the course of many months so i tended to forget details 😌)

i hear you going “what? huh?? when did idia get here!???!?!?!” shh. shhh. this post required me, forced my hand even, to ramble about all my aus/unposted fanfiction lol. i do have some mini fanfiction about the idia route that never left discord bc it’s so au specific hehehe but anyway, idia right?

ok taking a break from bullets while we detour here. so back when i was looking for names for char, i found another name meaning charming: eppa! it was cute 😌 this part spawned from more discord glitching and my friend’s idea from there- that eppa is just a fake name that IDIA is using to talk to cater on magicam or whatever bc he’s shy and hiding behind a fake prince charming [prince eppa of rsa!!] persona. this could just be a branch on its own w/o those dudes up there^ OR as I mentioned, he could be an alternative person for caycay to end up with after getting his heart broken. I wrote a little bit of unpublished fic and have a few doodles that follow this storyline lol, but we’ll get back to that later maybe.

ok but basically things could end there OR another bonus for MORE soap opera drama: for whatever reason that i never came up with, Dañarte gets KICKED OUT OF RSA!!!! or just transfers for some reason idk.

i debated on having him in scarabia or pomefiore, but ultimately went with scarabia, and here’s why I said he’d probably be a second year lol

because now he’s with kalim and jamil!!! at first kalim’s like “oh!!! a new friend nice to meet you!!!” but then quickly discovers at pop music club that this is in fact the same Dañarte that cater dated and broke his heart!!! oh no!!!

and cater’s like oh god!! my ex goes to school here now!! FUCK!!

but never fear. he claims he’s turned over a new leaf. that he will be civil. he just wants to start over and be a good boy 😌

cater is hesitant, but doesn’t wanna make a fuss. kalim wants to believe in the good in everyone and wants to give him a chance. and JAMIL who is ALSO HERE bc scarabia, does NOT trust this guy and does NOT want to leave him around kalim alone so he’s making an effort to be around the two of them a lot

basically jamil and Dañarte kinda suss each other out pretty fast as being people who hide their true intentions well under a facade of being polite and agreeable. idk if he’d show up pre or post overblot tho

so he spends a loooot of time with kalim and by extension jamil. and he’s also hovering around cater a lot

circling back to the idia thing lol, in some of the little fics i wrote for this au, i had written from i think idia’s pov and it was snippets that were basically:

idia likes cater, azul likes jamil [lol surprise they showed up in this eventually] and theyre board game buddies that kinda poke at each other about it. idia’s talking to cater behind the prince eppa account, and azul’s the only one that knows the secret. idia and cater bond via the account, idia learns more about cater’s melancholic side, they get really close, convince each other to go to class more in solidarity, cater sometimes vents to ‘eppa’ about the problems he’s having with his BOYFRIEND Dañarte... but idia is there to support caycay bc he’s SPECIAL <3 anyway then cater and Dañarte break up, idia and azul bully each other about how they’re afraid of making a move, blah blah blah. eventually cater’s gossiping to idia in class about how azul asked jamil on a date [i made a specific ref to my fic that i DID publish, Fake It Til We Make It 😌 but that’s not importantdsjlfd], the topic of valentine’s day comes up, cater mentions boohoo caycay is single on valentines day again... and idia has worked up the courage to invite cater to ignihyde’s movie night! hooray bonding irl and not behind the eppa mask!!! ohh but then. fast forward a little? cater’s talking to idia, hes like wow u and i have gotten closer lately, can i talk to u about something personal? u see... my ex asked me out. and i said id think about it 😔 cue heartbreak for idia again!! idia goes to board game club SAD. azul is also there and is like “oh sulking solidarity? i gotchu bro. jamil dumped me :’)” and idia’s like uhhhh fuck azul looks like he’s trying not to cry... wanna play VR games so we can escape reality... and they do 😌

^that’s where the written part ended. i have a doodle somewhere of like. even more soap opera drama. like i think Dañarte had asked cater out and cater was gonna give him a chance, but then ohhh noo guess what? cater’s telling pop music club.... and he’s like “ya Dañarte asked me out again-” and kalim FREEZES. hes like WAIT WHAT. WHAT. OH NO. bc uhhh turns out!!! Dañarte also just asked jamil out. WHAT THE!!! and the only reason jamil said YES(OH NO!!!) was bc he was sulking about his break up with azul 😔 a situation of jamil and azul fighting, breaking up, but still really really missing each other wahhhh making bad choicesssss

i dont think i ever went past there LOL but in my head and heart, that specific branch would have to be a happy ending for idia/cater and jamil/azul, Dañarte is simply there to cause problems on purpose

i also had a side reason, like a bonus for Dañarte’s motives (he’s not that deep a character lol this is mostly just goofs and giggles here) hes basically like “grr i resent my cousin so im going to do everything i can to sabotage his happiness. just because i guess. also maybe i should just become famous on the internet MYSELF since i cant be a cool royal, ill just use my title and charisma, and ill steal the fans of popular people like neige and vil - ooh looks like my dumb cousin’s crush is a fan of them both, excellent. hmm so is this rook person what- oh god no he’s weird and scary i’ll stick to terrorizing cater. anyway-” but i kinda didn’t stick with the magicam thing lol. just like a potential extra bit.

wait i found a snippet ^ from discord im just gonna copy/paste bc im getting lazy

‘ I have a scene in my head of pop music club going to do a small performance sometime after dañarte transferred to scarabia , and Kalim is torn bc on one hand he’s the housewarden and must make everyone feel welcome! But I’m the other hand that’s caters mean ex but on the other hand again he seems so nice and apologetic what do I do!! So Kalim ends up coming up to cater right before their performance and is like “ummmmm don’t be mad but I kind of invited dañarte ” and caters like KALIM WHY and kalims like IM SORRY HE SEEMED SO SAD AND REALLY WANTED TO SEE YOU PLAY They’re loudly stressing out off in the corner, meanwhile dañarte is wandering around the audience with Jamil like fellow scarabia buddy I hope u don’t mind if I hang around u Jamils like whatever but we have to sit… waaaaay over here, bc he saw tako and idia and he’s still in his awkward confusing feelings heartbreak stage with azul, And azul+ idia are at the show together just In Distresss'

okokok uhhhhh i think ive done enough talking wanna see more doodles and erratic notes

char and caycay reunited!!! char didnt actually end up getting much spotlight LOL he doesn’t have a lot of personality aside from Sweet Gentle Puppy. sorry bestie you got sidelined for drama jklfdskfl

#notatako is a side joke w/my friend ignore that kldfjdls but. caycay seeing pretty man Dañarte but hasnt met him yet

Dañarte jumpscare, looming over char’s phone when char’s just met back up with cater and has been Texting Him A Lot but hasnt invited him over yet

the boys being exes or something, and me trying to figure out what dorm he’d be in

doodle from when i brielfy forgot Dañarte was supposed to start at RSA lol, here’s him and jamil if they’d met as first years before jamil’s intentions were revealed with his overblot

Dañarte grumbling evilly to himself at RSA and getting chenya jumpscared -> caycay and the boys!!!

this is what it looked like when i tried to timeline plot some story ages ago LOL, ft silly little lad faces, an illustrated journey

[idk if u can read that maybe if u full view the image lol] basically this is the scene of jamil and azul having newly broken up and being all sad about it, Dañarte is all “hehehe give me a chance jamil we could be so great together” and jamil, who normally just ignores Dañarte and doesn’t fall for his FALSE CHARM, is at a WEAKER LOW POINT bc he REALLY MISSES AZUL but he doesnt wanna ADMIT that he misses azul, and now Dañarte just sounded Just Like Azul, and he’s just asked jamil out, and azul is Right There Looking At Jamil bc he was walking by and heard Dañarte ask him out... jamil’s like 😔fine sure whatever 😔 and azuls like ..... 💔💔💔

SAD! anyway, jsdlfjkds. sorry caycay jamil and azul got shoved into ur soap opera. it’s fine. jamil/azul would make up with each other eventually somehow. cater would find Real Love elsewhere. IT’S FINE!! no perma angst in my house ALLOWED!!! but it’s fun to play with. temporarily.

i thought i had a doodle somewhere of kalim going 0_0 when jamil told kalim that Dañarte asked him out, right after cater just told kalim the same [or vice versa idr] but i CANT FIND IT!!! it’s not important tho it’s literally Just That lol. i think. 🤔

anyway. dear lord. i doubt anyone is going to read all of this LOL, maybe skimming or skipping around if im lucky 🧡 those are my like, ‘canon compliant’ twst ocs i guess. something like that. the only other twst related ocs i have [FOR NOW] are fankids my friend and i made of ships for funsies flkdsjfl okay. thank u for reading. if anyone did LOL if i were you i’d just look at the pictures and live with being confused 🧡

OK THANKS BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM LOL #twst oc #cereal tries to draw #ocs #i guess uhh #twisted wonderland #for my own categorizing #but im not tagging the characters too much spam fkldsjfl #also SORRY SORRY i think the skintones look muddy again #i have a bad problem of like #EITHER them looking TOO saturated OR too gray #i cant find that sweet spot!!!#but also it looks fine on my second screen so. idk anymore damn!!!#colors are hard this is why i usually skip to grayscale or nothing lol #ok anyway bye again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#this took forever damn lol!!!!!!!!!!!#oc: char #oc: Dañarte

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house-of-wack · 4 years

Text

((Me: :)

My mum: I'm going to make your life miserable for no apparent reason other than "my mum did worse to me as a kid"

Me: :(

#its 5am and my mum is on some.next bullshit as per lmao #i couldnt sleep so i went downstairs to get some cereal #then she comes down and asks what im doing #so i say im just getting something to eat bc i cant sleep #then she starts going mental and calls me fat and lazy and saya i do nothing but eat #i just go okay mum and go to go upstairs #she smacks the bowl out of my hands #then flips bc the bowl broke as if i was the one who broke it #and she shoves me #so i then fall and just like sit in a puddle of milk and shreddies until she fucks off back upstairs #had to rewrite my tags bc tumblr fucked tjem up #oh thee well #lets see how they fair this time #idk why i take shit like this publicly lmao i dont have a private account and im too lazy to make one uwu

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cobrakaisb · 3 years

Note

hi bestie! i’ve had this idea for a while, but i haven’t seen it. can you do like a head cannon of what miguel, robby, and eli/hawk would be like as an older brother? it can be totally based off what you think :) thank you <3

of course! sorry it took me a while but i needed to to be perfect. i also added two bonus boys at the end (hope you don’t mind). little note: i wrote this with a fem reader in mind because of the mentions of periods.

Having the Cobra Kai boys as older brothers

miguel:

you and miguel are so close

the age difference does not affect him at all

he is very protective of you before cobra kai

but once he joins cobra kai that over protectiveness 📈📈📈

let’s just say that this kid is bothering you

miguel definitely notices and scares them off

you act annoyed about it, but you’re highkey grateful that he did that

“my brother is the all valley champ so back the fuck off”

you were so excited for him at the all valley

you wore one of his cobra kai shirts and everything

miguel is so supportive of whatever extra curricular you do

karate? yes he stans, theater? you bet he’s at all your shows, dance? you know he’s bringing you some flowers, another sport? he’s at every game cheering for you

miguel knows about periods, and he has no shame in buying you tampons/pads

“hey y/n, i noticed you were running low so i got you some more” 🥺🥺

you wear his hoodies all the time

they are very big on you, but very comfy

you help him with sam

“i punched her in the face” “what why?”

“y/n what do you think about this?” “it looks great miguel. sam will love it”

when he dates tory you're a little on edge about it

“miguel, weren’t you like trying to win sam back two days ago?” “i like tory now” “okayy”

johnny loves you as much as he loves miguel

y’all hang out together

his friends are your friends and vice versa

your friends definitely think that miguel is cute but “eww that’s my brother”

when miguel is in the coma you blame johnny

“he showed mercy because of you! you did this!”

but then you cry into his chest

when miguel wakes up you’re at school

you don’t find out until after school when carmen picks you up

you hug him so tight, rambling about how much you love him

“i love you too y/n now get off me”

you can’t keep up with his love life

“y/n i’m with sam again” “what?”

overall your bond is amazing and you couldn’t ask for a better brother

robby:

you and robby both live with your mother (because we aren’t basic here)

you’re the odd one out (your mom does drugs and robby sells them)

“you got caught with molly? i thought you and sara were hooking up?” “the drug y/n”

when robby starts being friends with those punk kids, the two of you start to drift

you actually go to school, unlike him

“just skip y/n” “no robby”

it isn’t until he gets back on track because of daniel that you two start getting close again

“i’m gonna get back on track y/n i promise” and you believe him

you go to the skatepark with him

he skates while you read or draw or skate (whatever you’re into tbh)

when you’re on your period robby will buy you stuff, but he doesn’t like to

he feels so awkward about it

“um are these the right ones?” “yes thank you”

robby gives the best hugs (idk why he just does)

i feel like robby is also really good at reading emotions

like he knows when you’ve had a bad day at school or when you’re stressed about something

he also knows how to cheer you up :)))

“i know you did not just eat cereal with water???” “and what about it?”

when your mom comes back after being gone for days robby pulls you behind him

because he really doesn’t want you to be exposed to that

you cry into robby’s chest once she leaves

“why can’t she just be our mom?”

when daniel asks robby to move in with him he denies

but quickly explains that he can’t leave you

daniel tells robby that you can come too

“thanks for helping my brother mr.larusso, i really appreciate it”

you definitely walk in on robby and sam making out at some point

“hey robby- oh my god i’m so sorry” slaps hand over eyes and immediately leaves the room

when robby pushes miguel off the balcony it's the first time you’re genuinely scared of him

you visit him in jail, but it takes awhile for you to go

“i’m sorry y/n” “i know robby”

you just understand each other

when robby joins cobra kai he tries to get you in too

you agree to one lesson, and know it’s not for you

you have many arguments about this

“he’s brainwashing you!” “he knows what’s best for me, for us!”

robby feels so betrayed when he finds out you’re staying with johnny

the two of you definitely drift after that, but you find your way back to each other, you always do

eli/hawk:

okay so before he flips the script you defend eli, no matter what

you cry with him about the bullies and definitely try to fight kyler more than once

you wear his sweaters (fight me on it)

you encourage him to do karate

when he flips the script you’re very happy for him he finally feels confident in himself and you love that for him

now the roles are reversed

hawk protects you now

no one even dares to look at you because they are scared of him

i feel like he has a tattoo for you, whether that's your name or your favorite flower idk but he gets one for you

“um wow okay we’re doing that now” “do you like it or not?” “yeah but i wasn’t expecting it”

sometimes he’ll let you pick his hair color “how about purple” “maybe” 😉

he definitely flirts with your friends “hello ladies!” “hi hawk!” “get out!”

you’re the only one that is allowed to call him eli

“eli i need ten dollars?” “for what?” “a snack” *hands over the money*

“eli can i have your sweatshirt? i’m cold” “yeah take it”

“i can’t, me and eli are going to the movies today”

one day you’re sitting with him and his minions (you refuse to call them friends) at lunch

“so eli” -one of the cobra kais “shut the fuck up! you can’t call him that!” -you

hawk has a proud brother moment

anything that you do hawk is like “fuck yeah that’s my sibling!”

his friends are not allowed to look at you, talk to you, have a crush on you, or even think about you

“woah dude she’s hot” “that’s my fucking sister! stay away from her!”

“eli who’s your friend-” “NO!”

as eli he will buy you period products but is very shy about it

as hawk he will not be caught dead in that isle of cvs

“eli i need them!” “i don’t care! i’ll drive you there and you can run in and get them”

when hawk breaks demetri’s arm you don't speak to him for weeks

you confront him about his new behavior

“this is who i am!” “no it’s not! you’re not my brother!”

you’re crying and then storm off to your room

that breaks him

is highkey the start of his redemption

when he’s at the fight at the larusso house, and he sees demetri about to get his arm broken, he thinks of your words: “you're not my brother!”

literally motivates him to fix things

you see hawk and demitri and just know that your brother is back

you hug him so tight

“you were right y/n. i’m sorry” “of course i was. i’m always right” “gee thanks” “love you”

bonus demetri:

he is a nerd, you are a nerd

the two of you watch star wars, marvel, harry potter, etc. together

“daddy anakin” “please shut the fuck up”

you want to punch him in the face because he is so sarcastic

it gets on your nerves

bust out laughing when johnny makes fun of his pi shirt

“stop laughing” “if it’s funny i'm gonna laugh”

even though you’re a nerd you’re cool

like you have a lot of friends in your grade

“demetri if i don’t talk to you at the halloween party that’s why” gestures to his costume

listen to his rants about how eli’s changed

you try to give him advice, but it doesn’t work out

so proud of him when he joins miyagi-do

“i'm glad you’re stepping out of your comfort zone”

demetri tries to get you to join miyagi-do

if you do join great more sibling bonding

if you don’t join no biggie y’all are still besties

y’all go to the comic book store together

its sibling bonding time

you threaten to fight hawk after the laser tag thing

“hey asshole you leave my brother alone!”

you sign his cast first

you definitely write some inside joke that only the two of you understand

you see him kissing yas and do a whole 🤮

“so you dating yas?” “idk why” “just checking”

very obvious about your distaste for her

when him and hawk become friends again you’re very wary

“he broke your arm” “he apologized” “he broke your arm!!!”

eventually you and hawk are on semi decent terms

“demetri forgave you and that’s fine but i’m still not over it”

your relationship = the perfect mix of love and teasing

bonus bonus king bert 🙌🏻:

you are older than him by like a year

but you’re still besties for life

you’re very proud of him when he joins cobra kai

“im joining a karate dojo” “period pop off”

you always ruffle his hair

cheer for him at the all valley

“yeah bert!”

but also like you can’t watch

when he gets eliminated you cringe

he’s sad about it

“i just wanted to impress you” “im very impressed bert, you did great”

your opinion matters so much to him

he’s such a small cinnamon roll 🥺🥺

seeing him with the older cobra kai boys makes you soft

“y/n i’m going out with hawk and miguel can you drive me?”

bert admires you a lot, like you are his hero

y’all are the best sibling duo and that’s on period

#cobra kai #cobra kai x reader #cobra kai imagine #miguel diaz #miguel diaz x reader #miguel diaz cobra kai #hawk cobra kai #eli moskowitz #eli moskowitz x reader #hawk x reader #robby keene #robby keene x reader #robby keene cobra kai #demetri #demetri x reader #king bert #bert x reader

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9tzuyu · 3 years

Text

dissolve (rewrite)

natasha x reader

note: this was just a huge vent fic idk. these type of fics seem to be the only thing im okay at writing. mistakes are mine as always. but i did proofread, yay!

if you want to read the original (as awful as it is) you can read it here!

wanrings: this heavily revolves around eating disorders.

i’m not tagging anyone because the content isn’t really the lightest to read.

words are used everyday, everywhere – whether to describe something or someone. there’s thousands upon thousands of them.

so you were having a hard time figuring out why you were struggling so much to justify your feelings through the basis of words. it was unnerving, draining and very annoying. your emotions should be simple, right? you were either sad or happy, angry or scared. but there was something more, something unexplainable. saying you felt alone only scratched the surface of the wave of emotion that took over. it was excruciatingly painful, far worse than any physical pain you ever had to endure. and for some reason it seemed to come crashing down at night while natasha slept peacefully. you weren't exactly sure how to express your emotions to the extent you felt them. how else was anyone supposed to understand your pain? they couldn't, not unless they could somehow shift into your body and feel your emotions themselves. but that was merely impossible as such powers do not exist. so you were inevitably stuck with words foreign to your lips. over the years you were deemed unsafe, a hazard, "an accident waiting to happen" you recall one doctor say. everyone’s eyes were on you at all times, monitoring every little movement you made. it was suffocating and at times doing more damage than good.

as an adult now you learned how freeing it could be without the fear of gaining weight or eating a bowl full of rainbow marshmallow cereal. your worth was not defined by your weight.

(at least that's what you believed prior to any relapses.) everything was going well in your life. you were a college graduate working as a psychiatric nurse and you had found love, something your teenage self could only dream of. natasha was by your side through everything. and really, the only downfall in the relationship was that she had to travel a lot for her job. but you were secure enough in your relationship not to worry or decide to call things off. in the end natasha always made up for it when she came back, so you couldn't complain too much. things were going well for you, really, they were. until they weren't. (and you didn't know why.) it happened out of nowhere. work was a little more stressful than usual, but it was nothing you couldn't handle. natasha had been away for three months, only stopping by a few times to check in on you. but again, your wife being away for so long wasn't anything new or worrisome. the two of you had followed the routine of her leaving and coming back more than a thousand times; yet somewhere along the way you lost yourself. food became less of a priority, your hunger decreased drastically, and within the first month you'd lost thirteen pounds. it truly was an accident, slipping into a full blown relapse was never part of the plan. but thirteen pounds lighter you wanted more, to feel small again. you didn't have an answer as to why you became so attached to your eating disorder, but it didn't seem like it would be letting go any time soon. the rate at which you were going natasha would most definitely be able to see a difference; not only on your weight, but in the person you once were. she'd ask what happened and why it happened, poking and prodding for an answer, but you didn't have one. so here you stood in the kitchen of your shared home, a cup of sliced fruit in one hand and your cell phone in the other. you poured the fruit into the bottom of a blender along with a spoonful of yogurt and half a cup of soy milk. another half cup of ice followed suit. while the fruit blended, you shamelessly scrolled through your instagram. there was nothing interesting going on in other people's lives, you didn't even know why you had social media in the first place. it was dumb, and quite frankly you didn't give a shit whether or not sharon went to the beach. the sound of your blender coming to a halt brought your attention back to the real world. you poured your smoothie into your water bottle. the green liquid would be your breakfast and lunch for the day - dinner was still up for debate. a soft sigh left your lips. work was beginning to feel more like a chore and less of something you enjoyed. you were quickly growing tired of it. nonetheless, you grabbed your keys and rushed out of the door.

you thought about the irony of working as a psychiatric nurse with an undealt eating disorder telling teenagers how to deal with their own issues. you felt hypocritical to say the least, especially given that all the nasty side effects were starting to make themselves known.

your hair was beginning to thin, small clumps of it already starting to fall out when you tugged a little too hard. bruises could be seen scattered left and right on your body, and you were cold. god you were cold. your fingernails were tinted blue, warmth seemingly too far out of reach. you looked ill, and it didn't go unnoticed by your coworkers.

a few hours into your shift you found yourself sitting behind the nurses station filling out paperwork. lunch had passed and when your coworker, steve, asked if you were going to eat something you lied straight through your teeth, telling him you'd grab something when the patients were eating dinner.

but steve rogers could read you like an open book. he knew you were lying because he already knew what was going on. the signs of an eating disorder were quite obvious when you were a licensed therapist. and despite your futile attempts at hiding it, everyone could tell something wasn't right.

steve played it by ear for weeks until he contacted natasha, but by then you'd already lost a considerable amount of weight. as soon as she heard the news, natasha booked the next flight home. unfortunately for her though, there was only one flight and she would have to wait two and a half weeks before being able to leave.

you didn't know it, but those were the longest two and a half weeks natasha ever had to wait.

– patients were having group therapy, so you could tune them out - not that you should, but it was hard to focus when the only two things you could think about were food and your weight.

the need to lose weight sounded so stereotypical for someone with an eating disorder, but honestly it wasn't about that. it was never about wanting to be thin. you genuinely didn't know why this was happening. the only thing you noticed was how rewarding it felt seeing the number go down, as if for you were good for becoming less. it was addictive. and it didn't help that you based your entire worth on how much you could lose.

the next time you stood up from behind the nurses station steve met you in the the cafeteria. while the patients ate you took occasional sips from your smoothie. the bottle was still full of its contents from the morning. you had completely forgotten to drink it during the day, but you didn't seem to mind it that much.

the surprise touch of steve's hand on your shoulder startled you.

i am gross, you thought. do not do that.

steve caught onto the slight flinch your body produced as a reflex, but he didn't say anything about it.

"you can leave early, boss said so."

he laughed as he saw confusion plaster your face.

"what? no!"

"go home, seriously. we have this handled. you know tony doesn't like being told no."

you bit your lip, puzzled by the sudden request. most people wouldn't mind being sent home early, but all it did for you was give you a level of anxiety reserved for food.

what you didn't know was that natasha was home waiting for your arrival. she came back just short of an hour after you left for work.

while you were gone natasha made a few thorough rounds in the house looking for key signs of your eating disorder. there was bound to be evidence given that you didn't know she was home.

unsurprisingly, natasha found a glass scale beside the counter of the bathroom floor along with empty bottles of laxatives in the trashcan. the food in the fridge had been expired a few days past their date, giving her the indication that you weren't eating as much as you should be. her concern grew even more when she found your food journal on your nightstand. flipping the pages, natasha could see that throughout the moths she'd been gone your calorie intake had decreased significantly.

guilt began to gnaw at the back of her throat.

during the few days natasha stopped by, she hadn't noticed anything wrong with you. but then again she knew most people with eating disorders were very good at hiding them up until the point they were discovered. three days wasn't near enough time for her to catch onto your tricks, not when her mind was still focused on her job.

natasha always listened intently whenever you would talk about your eating disorder, the first time being six months into the relationship on a date you felt like you had ruined.

but talking about it was much different than experiencing it with you, natasha had never done that before up until now. she read nearly every article there was about anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder and ednos. sometimes when you were asleep she would watch documentaries on the disorder, always making sure to keep her volume at a low level.

the videos that hurt her the most were the ones teenagers struggling with the simple task of eating food.

(although natasha knew it wasn't that simple.)

it hurt because she knew that was you at some point in time.

upon your arrival, natasha cooked dinner. she wanted to hold onto the one sliver of hope that steve was wrong - that he was just overreacting - but she knew in her heart he was right about his assumption. however, dinner would only confirm what natasha so desperately wanted to deny.

when you walked through the door you were greeted with the overwhelming scent of food. you cringed at the thought of having to eat, but as soon as you looked up to see the redhead who'd been gone for so long your frown was washed away. a wide smile overtook your face and you rushed to jump into natasha's arms.

"i missed you so much," you whispered. "i thought you'd be gone for another few weeks?"

natasha's arms found their way around your waist as your legs wrapped around hers. "what? i can't come home early to surprise my wife?" you giggled in the crook of her neck. she smiled feeling the vibrations against her skin, happy to know that you'd missed her just as much as she missed you.

she sat you down, back facing you, she tended to the food. "you've lost weight," she commented, not missing the sharp inhale of your breath.

"how was work, nat?"

she nodded to herself. yeah, she didn't expect you to be so open on the first try.

"it was fine. dinner's ready, i made your favorite!" natasha threw a smile in your direction as she carried the plates over to the table. she had hoped to see your face light up the way it used to, but seeing the panicked look in your eyes further confirmed your relapse.

if nothing else, natasha wanted you to have a meal before she brought up the conversation.

"great... i love it, thank you nat!" your attempt at being enthusiastic failed miserably and you knew by the look she gave you, she already knew what was going on.

but throughout the meal, and despite the shakiness of your hand as it gripped the metal fork, natasha didn't say anything.

you weren't really sure which was worse; being confronted or knowing the both of you knew what the other was thinking and still not addressing it.

natasha's meal was good, you couldn't lie about that, but each bite you chewed caused the tightening in your chest to constrict further.

now you couldn't be good. or worthy. or deserving.

nat took away your plate when you were halfway through. she knew your limits, and she didn't want to push you too much out of your comfort zone.

"go change, i'll wash our dishes. meet you on the couch?"

you did as you were told, taking as long as you could to do so. except this time was different. you didn't glance in the mirror like you usually did, you chose to fully take in your figure.

what you saw was not what you expected to see. for the first time in months you saw a version of yourself that wasn't twisted and turned to be something you didn't know was real or not.

your skin was dry, hair thinned out beyond your belief, eyes sunken and dark underneath. the revelation gave you an odd feeling – was once again something unexplainable, unjustifiable by words.

good.

that was how you were supposed to feel, right? after all of this time, after the many pounds of protection and warmth lost, you were supposed to feel good.

but you didn't. and you never would.

there was something so surreal about the realization of your own destruction. you were aware now, which meant you had to either take responsibility or choose to lose everything you worked so hard for.

"y/n?"

your wife's voice snapped you out of your gaze and you scrambled to pile your dirty clothes and rush out of the bedroom.

as you made your way into the living room you could feel the intensity of natasha's gaze. any other time you would not mind her green eyes looking at you, but this time around you felt like you were in trouble.

she patted the empty spot next to her, to which you reluctantly joined. but even after everything you still tried to play it cool.

"what's up? is everything okay?"

she gave a low chuckle, "you tell me."

"what do you mean?"

"oh i think you know what i mean."

natasha’s reply was met with the loudest silence you ever had to sit through.

she bit her lip, "you know i got a call from steve a few weeks ago. he's concerned about you, and from what he's told me so am i."

you were quick to respond, automatically knowing what steve’s phone call was about. "i'm fine. so what if i've lost a couple of pounds? that doesn't automatically mean that im relapsing, natasha."

your quick snap reminded natasha that this kind of confrontation was like walking on eggshells.

she tilted her head, licking her lips. "i'm here with you, always." nat put a hand to the side of your face, gently rubbing her thumb at the top of your cheekbone. "i'm here."

it seemed pointless now to try and say anything because your secret was already out.

your mind began racing back and forth.

you wanted to keep what you knew best and natasha understood that. even by reading your body language she knew what you were debating.

"you know, to keep it you have to give it away." your eyes darted to meet hers. "mhm. you can still have that piece of you. mourn it, grieve it, do whatever you need to do to move onto a stage where it doesn't hurt you. and from there you can help other people, share your experience, let yourself heal by helping others."

she paused, “we all have choices. some of those choices are taken from you while others leave you with only one option.”

although what she said seemed to resonate with you, there was one thing still holding you back.

"i just want to be good."

natasha hummed. you had explained it to her in the past, though your words were jumbled together as you tried to describe it.

"you can be good in other ways. you're allowed to live a life outside of the barriers your eating disorder puts in the way."

you swallowed the lump in the back of your throat. "i don't even know how it got to this point. in january i enjoyed ihop and dennys. in february i could have oatmeal and bananas, sometimes half of a sandwhich if i was feeling brave. now it’s march and i only eat one or two things a day. the idea of having a full meal makes me want to cry. and i just- i don't know how to stop."

natasha wouldn't show it, but your words cut through her heart like a knife. her mind wandered briefly to all the teenagers in the documentaries she'd watched, hoping you weren't too far gone into your eating disorder to ever come back. those cases scared her the most.

"you've got my complete support. you've tackled this before, maybe this time you can beat it? i know its easier to abuse your body instead of growing comfortable in it, but i think you’ve got this. i know you do."

"what about your work?" your question caused natasha to frown. "you think i wouldn't set my job aside for you?" you shrugged, it's not like you felt like you were worth being taken care of anyway.

natasha grew hesitant to tell you her news, but did it anyway because she’d rather you hate her than see you dead. "i've already made some appointments for you. the first one is tomorrow morning."

"i figured you would natasha. it's okay."

you spaced yourself out the rest of the day. each time you made the executive decision to recover, whether that be a genuine recovery or not, the process never failed to remind you that even trying to recover from an eating disorder felt like mourning the loss of a friend who was never good for you in the first place.

#natasha romanoff x reader #black widow x reader #avengers x reader #natasha romanov x reader #natasha x reader #natasha romanoff imagine

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