#im having a horrible fucking day and i hate that i cant say that without my friend going

[marcusagrippa]

becoming more invested in one random side character who is fucking dead by the time my main plot starts than the actual protagonist is just a rite of passage for my writing process at this point

#big oc ramblingin the tags warning u h. #save me melisadd...... isa............ #a horrible ugly name for a horrible ugly guy #however. every lover is a soldier. etc etc. #yes he gets killed because of his own ambition but he also gets killed because of his devotion to his city. and by extension his paradoxica #devotion to rhys (who has become the city itself in a weird parasitic sort of way). he hates what rhys stands for and he hates his idealism #and his tyranny andsuch but they have such a fucked up (literally) cannibalistic relationship going back to faustus and the ivy war #that neither of them can function without the other. rhys' fate is sealed the moment he kills isa because theres no-one left to balance him #out and challenge his plans. and he spirals from this genius up-and-coming ruthless commander willing to do anything to keep his home safe #into a lazy power-hungry beast relying on the prestige of his ancestors and the fear of the people to keep him fed. and he misses isa #as much as he hates to admit it #and he misses argent and he misses what they all had and as he gets older he starts losing the ability to distinguish between the past and #the present. hence the public display of argent's innards and isa's rotting corpse being dug up and given a seat at the table at the feast. #but back to isa. isa doesn't want to fight rhys - he believes there's good in him up until the last second of his life. #his execution is the death of any hope of redemption rhys might have had. #noneof that makes sense but anyway you get what im trying to say right #<- what a late republic hyperfix does to a mf #they are based loosely on the first triumvirate and should all eat each other !! #i can make my own narrative ghosts god dammit #dyrposts #r. a. bicinius #m. f. voscium #i made these guys like. two days ago??? but i cant stop thinking about them #if anyone is interested. i will say more things about dr #writing #augh #rhys isnt technically a main character either feel like i should clarify that he. dies in the first chapter #story focuses on eos furi and gabier !!! yippee !!! #jase writes #FUTURE ME EDIT: THIS IS ALL WILDLY OUTDATED :DDDDD OH WELL

[leviathanspain]

little hell

finnick odair x reader

synopsis: you wished more than anything that he had left you to die in that arena, because nothing could hurt more than seeing him with her

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

watching their ceremony had felt like you had drank poison. a burning fire had been brewing in your abdomen, and as they kissed, you had to swallow the bile that threatened to come out.

finnick had turned to face the onlookers, and smiled as he held annie’s hand. only you could notice the smile faltering as he gazed over you, and you looked down, not wanting to look at him any longer.

you had abandoned the wedding early, excusing yourself with the pain in your leg, that hadn’t bothered you since your days in the infirmary, but it was good enough.

you fought tears until you got behind closed doors, where with the commotion of the celebration, hid away the noises of your sobs. finnick knew, and you too had known, that annie would always hold a flame to his heart, but it was you who allowed yourself to fall in love, and it was him who gave you the hope.

days later, a soft knock on your door rang out and finally you had peeled yourself out of your bed to answer it. you couldn’t hide your surprise when you saw it was katniss, looking pale in her grey jumpsuit.

you let her in without question, and moved to sit on your bed, with katniss closing the door behind her.

you raised an eyebrow, “katniss. honestly you’re the last person i would expect to be here.”

katniss didn’t say anything for a moment, until finally, “i doubt you expected anyone at all.” you let out a bitter laugh, and nodded, “i suppose you are correct.”

katniss nodded, “but i’m not. finnick has been asking about you.”

you scoffed, “why does he even care? he’s a married man, he’s with her..” you trailed off, “im just here, the other woman..” you trailed off, and katniss swallowed thickly.

“i cant say anything for him,” she admitted, “but i will say that he is horrible for what he did- and how he lied to you both.” you nodded, forgetting completely about annie, who was oblivious to his indiscretions.

katniss had stayed with you for another moment, where she sat in a comforting silence.

finnick had been looking for you throughout the compound. he had hug onto annie as she did to him, but his eyes would still clear a room looking for you.

he had finally found you, and pulled himself away from annie with just a good enough excuse.

he made his way to you, and you turned to meet his eyes. you rolled your eyes, and sharply turned back on your heel, your feet carrying you to somewhere you didn’t even know you were going.

finnick called your name, desperation in his voice, you felt him hot on your feet. without thinking, he grabbed your arms, and threw you against the wall.

you gasped, and turned to see no one had even batted an eye at his slight aggression, but you were now in no position to ignore him.

finnick swallowed, looking down, “i’m sorry. for having to do this but you won’t talk to me otherwise.” you nodded your head slightly, and sighed, “and?” finnick inhaled, “i should have told you about annie. i- i don’t know what i was thinking.”

“i don’t either finnick. if you had any fucking brains, you would’ve left me to die out there, so you wouldn’t have to see my face around here, and feel that guilt.” you felt your eyes rim with tears, and you sniffled, “you should’ve killed me. done the mercy, finnick. and there’s not a day that goes by that i don’t hate you for what you didn’t do.”

finnick exhaled, and his voice felt shaky, as did his grip on your hands, “i know. i should’ve told you about annie, i should’ve stopped it but-“ he shrugged, “i love you.” he whispered.

you blinked and tears fell onto your cheeks, “you cant say that. you cant say that!” you pulled your arms free and threw him back. finnick fell back onto the wall and stared at you in shock, “you don’t get to fucking say that.” you yelled, and felt yourself heat with anger.

you shook your head, giving finnick one last look before you left him there.

#finnick odair fluff #finnick odair angst #finnick x you #finnick x reader #finnick odair x reader #finnick odair oneshots #finnick odair #finnick odair smut #hunger games imagine #hunger games fluff #hunger games angst

[wiihtigo]

i sent an ask sayinh "NELL DIED????" but then tumblr gavev me a scary error message so maybe it ate it... sorry if it didnt but NELL DIED?

SOB...YES.....I DIDNT WANT IT TO HAPPEN..!!! i encourage you to go knock down the door of @megamind2010 for more in depth answers about nell lore if youre a ladybughead.

but the basic deal is that this happens...later...sometime later. in their lives. ladybug following the proud blue beetle line of being exploded in action (i drew smthn inspired by the despair i feel when i think about this ^_^)

this affects casey really badly. ARE YOU SURPRISED..? DID YOU THINK SHE WAS HEARTLESS? so did I. mm basically she goes like catatonic immediately after (even through the funeral which michelle has to guide her to like she could float away at any second)

michelle is a supportive presence for her during this because shes like jeez idk she might kill herself im worried. and shes ALSO fucked up about nell dying bcuz she was involved in the same event ladybug was killed in (goldstars very first crisis event we;re so proud of her) and you know. shes never experienced the classic superhero experience of one of your hero peers dying horribly tragically. so her looking after casey is probably also her way of coping, like a way of keeping her hands busy because shes realizing hero work is actually kind of scary

shes only broken out of her 0__0 state by ..um. BOOSTER GOLD COMING OVER BECAUSE HE WAS LIKE MAN..SHOULD I SAY SOMETHING? (hes genuinely a little worried) (BUT NO DONT)

ive posted these before without context but this was the context LOL

seeing booster breaks the dam in her heart and all her feelings coming flooding out in form of crazy migraine inducing rage (im getting deja vu) and she throws shit at him screaming at him to GTFO and hes like crawling away with a broken nose OK good talk and ted and michelle are like WHY TF DID YOU DO THAT?and after that casey goes into the worst state of depression shes ever experienced in her life...ive mentioned in an ask before i think that she doesnt really get sad? when bad things happen to her she just gets angry. she never cries genuine tears. so the state she gets into here is really scarily jarring because its so fucking WEEEIRDLY OUT OF CHARACTER. she spends all day crying and whenever michelle comes over now she feels sick looking at her and she cries and cries and cries and whines that she doesnt want to see her she wants nell and she stays holed up in their apartment until shes kicked out because no ones paying rent and shes moves cities without saying a word to anyone. she only realized after she died that she actually did love (EW. sorry) nell and now she doesnt even have any way of knowing if they couldve done anythng with that. she hates booster more than ever she hates ted she cant talk to michelle anymore she hates gotham she hates her life she hates everything, eventually she does get a job in the film industry as like a screenwriter/editor but she hates that its not exactly what she wanted that shes just barely almost there and she should be excited to be so close to her goals but shes not so shes just this grouchy miserable (but good at her job!) woman that no one wants to talk to and then she dies. the end.

(but look-- here they are reunited in hell..!)

wehwwww SORRY FOR JUST COVERING CASEYS SIDE OF THINGS AND NOT NELLS....i figure youd get more juicy details if you ask marty :)

#asks #her life isnt all bad she ummm gets a nicotine addiction. no. she..idk #maybe she gets a pet snake. to give her smthn to look forward to when she goes home every day #casey #caseybug #edit: Marty wrote that response going into ladybugs side of things. go look if you dare

[6irlpet]

im trying long term denial but I ruin nearly every time i try to edge. do you have any tips to help that not happen? thanks !!

honestly ur gonna hate me for saying it but i have rly bad self control too without the external pressure of being in a relationship (aka being controlled/monitored and punished for not obeying) and the best way is rly No Touch lol. it’s frustrating but it’s hot once u get into it…. i stayed a year denied once just bc i’d only touch like once a month and only super lightly outside underwear. u just Mentally edge like: still get horny, watch/read porn, touch everywhere else except where will give u an orgasm like nipples, etc. u end up Throbbing and Aching and desperate. one time after a few months of that i accidentally came just from rocking my hips in the air, thats how needy u can get lol

but other tricks when edging:

the headspace is rly important. i take a moment to tell myself before i start touching: make peace with the idea ur not going to cum, you Are going to be desperate, you’re going to like it, you’re going to pretend you’re being watched by a dom who will punish you if you go over.

that last point: i have a rly good imagination so i do imagine someone sternly telling me like, “you know you’re not allowed to cum” “this is all you’re getting” etc and repeat it devotionally as if ur replying agreeing to them. i always end up whining like :((( yes mommy/daddy i knoooow im not allowed….. This has the added bonus of being Hot As Fuck and will get u to edge faster 👍

set a timer!! tell yourself ur only allowed to touch for that period and when the timer rings u stop no matter what

also mental prep tell urself ahead of time like, “im not going to get

self enforced punishments! something genuinely a lil unpleasant so you want to avoid it, and be good about sticking to them like a dom would, dont give urself a break. like, if you add more time to timer u have to pay it back with a rubber band snap somewhere sensitive for every min u went over. if u cum, have to spank/snap/overstim until its horrible/do something unpleasant. if i cum, or accidentally ruin, i spank my cunt and i try to do as many a ratio to how long i was edging for (with lessened amount if i ruined it) i also tell myself im then not allowed to touch for a week, things like that. i try to do this most every time even if i wasnt thinking about staying denied at the start of the session, just bc i think it’s hotter to be denied and wish i had better self control or someone enforcing me, it makes me more hesitant to give in and go over the edge knowing im going to have to trade off the pain

if i told myself i was gonna stay denied at the start and i go over, i ruin the orgasm. if u stop early enough it’s rly hard to endure (this is the goal), if u stop a few seconds later (more common with poor self control) u just don’t feel anything. i also imagine myself complaining that i didnt feel anything and someone saying “good” ^____^

if u have a clit, numbing cream is a must-try experience…. im out and i keep telling myself to get more bc ugggghhhhh its so hot to be trying to touch and cry over not feeling anything. i always like to imagine a dom putting it on me without telling me by pretending to touch me as though im gonna get to cum and i dont realize what happened until i stop feeling their hand

tbh the no direct touch is rly the way to go with bad self control… u can still make it fun and frustrating! i love to use toys n restraints to be turned on still. i love to use pumps/clamps on nipples, i love to be gagged so much i Have to bite down on something when i edge now, i have a tens unit i let run on random pulses thru my cunt the other day while i cuffed my hands and had 2 endure it for timer amount, i like fucking my cunt with a dildo and not letting myself touch my clit or numbing/covering it if i think i cant resist, u can play around with getting stimulation but in ways that are hard for u to cum from :) def set a timer for those sessions tho otherwise you’ll spend 5 hours broken essentially until u pass out or break and cum regardless lol

i hope this helped!!!!! godspeed 🫡

#denial #nsft denial #ask #was able to answer this finally bc i am Right Now squirming n aching from being turned on and not touching bc it rly feels incredible

[mysticbewitched]

Hi So I CANT BELIEVE in LOA OR non dualism or void or whatever. Because I kept failing a few times and I can't recall all those small success from before. Now I don't believe in these subconsciously or conscious. I fucking hate my current life

TW: suicide

Im feeling really suicidal. Even tho I know all the information it feels like no use. I keep overthinking, anxious all the time. MY life isn't right. I'm so anxious that my hair falls out in Chuck. Even subliminal don't seem to work

I need to be frank and bluntly honest about this one.

You are not ready for a spiritual awakening, and I want to say that you are doing such a disservice to yourself and spiritual growth by "trying" to consciously manifest without ever caring to learn who you truly are.

Do you realize that you are the only one in control of your reality? You are the operant power.

I understand that you're feeling frustrated on your journey, but you refuse to accept accountability for creating your reality, and you definitely refuse to realize that you are the only one in your way of changing your life for the better.

Nobody is going to save you but yourself. You create your reality, and that is the truth.

Only you can change your own life. You have to rescue yourself and be your own hero at the end of the night.

You need to ask yourself: Are you going to sit there and have a pity party? Or are you going to stand up and realize that you are powerful?

This beautiful spiritual journey of truly awakening to your true power as the creator is all about self-empowerment and absolutely transforming the way you live after discovering who you really are within and your true identity as awareness.

I'm disappointed to say that all I'm hearing from you is sad excuses for you to stay in the victim mindset.

Let's get real and face the facts. You simply are not ready to change your mindset.

You cannot believe in any of this because you failed? I'll tell you exactly why you failed. You failed solely because you falsely perceive yourself to be a victim, and you gave up on yourself.

Your mentality is an absolute disaster, and you are completely missing the whole point of this and the main foundation of all manifestations. The main priority is for you to truly understand your true self.

You cannot come to the table of conscious manifestation while believing yourself to be a victim of life's circumstances.

You need to leave that false sense of self-identity completely behind and I am not going to pity you when you choose to play the victim card.

You have a horrible victim mindset, and I do not ever baby victim mentality in the manifestation community, especially when you are a powerful creator of reality in your nature.

A creator and master of reality who is more than capable of changing your life and creating beautiful experiences for yourself.

I most especially will not entertain any victim mentality when I have provided the resources for changing your mindset by teaching all of you how to create your own subliminal or supraliminal audio and providing mindset affirmations.

All it takes is patience and loyal commitment every day. Are you truly committed to your success by changing your mindset?

You have to reach a point where you get tired of your own shit and finally choose to do better for yourself.

Are you committed to changing self? For the sake of transforming yourself into a successful manifestor?

The whole point of conscious manifestation is about stepping into your power, taking back your control over reality, and choosing to create your own reality however you desire.

This is all about the transformation of self.

You either believe in yourself or you're filled with self-doubt.

It is clear that you lack faith in yourself and you honestly don't recognize the fact that you are the creator of your own reality.

Your mindset is what is holding you back and the only obstacle in your way of success.

Are you going to place your crown back on your head and take back control over your throne by embracing your power? Or choose to let "life happen to you" instead? The choice is yours.

You either transform your inner state of mind and keep going until you succeed or give up on yourself.

You are not a victim. You are the creator and this is meant to be an empowering, freeing realization. You are here to set yourself free and create the reality of your dreams.

If you refuse to let go of the victim mentality filled with self-doubt then you are not ready to truly change your life and experience your spiritual awakening as the creator.

I believe in you and have faith in you wholeheartedly, but you clearly suffer from self-doubt. There is nothing more for me to say.

You don't have to deal with that state of mind any longer just by simply choosing to prioritize yourself and change your mindset.

Be honest with yourself. Is it worth it to you?

#law of assumption #law of manifestation #law of consciousness #manifesting #manifestation #nondualism #nonduality

[gr444nde]

i can’t help—

falling in love with you

part two

vinnie hacker x fem!reader (lwrcase intended)

warnings: very angsty chapter, happy ending

“did I do something?” you manage to say to vinnie. vinnie seemed off the whole day, he even told his friends to have fun dancing without him. most importantly he was being a little mean to you. unless you’ve been really annoying? you quickly shook that thought out of your head as he replied. “no. i dont know why you would think you did.” he said, his body spoke for him as not one limb facing you as he leans against the wall. you of course don’t believe him. “seriously, vinnie. what’s up, you’ve been acting weird all day..” of course you were a little hurt because it was like he didn’t want anything to do with you. and you never knew why. “it’s nothing, just leave me the fuck alone.” you hear him mutter under his breath, your eyebrows furrowing. you felt true disappointment and disbelief that he would say that to you. you try blinking away your tears as you stand there looking like an idiot, it however, does not work. vinnie turns to you as he realizes what he’s done. “I didn’t mean that, im so sor-“ he was cut off by you walking away quickly, snatching your things out of your friend’s arm and walking towards your shared hotel room.

you sat there on your bed and just cried. you cried hard. you had your phone on do not disturb as you hung the door-hanger labeled “do not disturb”. you felt embarrassed and ashamed of yourself that you actually let your feelings get this far. you annoyed him to his breaking point, yet you were so angry at him and the way he handled it. you just kept crying until you heard a knock on the door. “go away.!” you shout. it’s still silent as you feel your phone vibrate under your thigh. you reach for your phone and look at who texted you and how it went through you dnd focus.

vinnie: please

vinnie: i didn’t mean what i said

vinnie: give me a chance to explain please

you can feel your eyes begin to water even more. why was he here to see you if he wanted you gone? you hesitate a bit before getting up to open the door. once you open the door you don’t even look him in the eyes. instead you just remove the door-hanger from the knob. only then do you look at his face. “what.” was all your tear-stained face could say. “I’m so sorry, y/n. i never meant to hurt you like this.” his eyes scanned your entire body. you looked like hell if it was in a dumpster fire. you had mascara running down your eyes. your cheeks and eyes puffy. you looked so sad. so miserable.

vinnie’s pov:

seeing she wasn’t in a very good state right now, all i wanted to do was hug her. i felt horrible. i didn’t know if she would forgive me, but the least i could do was try.

end of pov

you could feel his arms wrap around you as you sobbed even more into his shoulders. the tight hug he embraced you in was all you needed to feel better. this was what you’ve wanted all this time. something didn’t feel right though. “i thought you hated me?” vinnie chuckled as he answered. “I could never hate you, y/n.” you’re still so confused, even after all this “affection”. “you told me to leave you alone, you’ve avoided me for so long for no reason!” he stops you. “y/n, that’s cause im so in love with you that i was scared you didn’t feel the same. i let the wrong feelings get ahold of me and im so sorry for that. i promise i’ll do better. that’s only if you want me to.” you say there in shock. your mouth going agape and you stumble over your words until vinnie pulls you close again. only this time does he kiss you. “but why..?”

“cause i cant help falling in love with you.”

sooo i finally finished this even though it was two parts, i had no motivation and finished this within an hour. this story is based off of the song “I cant helo falling in love with you” by Elvis Presley. this has been one of my favorite songs for such a long time so im glad I made a story about it 😭 thank you so much for reading “obvious” one shot coming maybe in November. im most definitely gonna start working on a halloween one-shot. have an amazing day 💋❤️‍🩹

#vinnie hacker #vhackerr #vinnie imagines #vinnie x reader #x reader #fanfic #vinnie x y/n #gr444nde

[egotisticalmachine]

sorry to ask you to ‘diagnose’ me, but lately ive been finding that i really really heavily relate to a lot of pwNPDs posts. ive also noticed thought patterns i have with my non-system splitting (thoughts go from ‘i am the most victimized person ever in the world’ to ‘i am the most horrible abuser that ever existed’).

i wanted to ask how you got diagnosed/started seeking information on NPD. i want to perhaps bring these thought patterns up the my therapist, but im unsure how to (esp since she has used the term “narcisstic abuse” in reference to experiences ive had)

any advice?

thank you for your patience, my life is very busy these days and i dont have a whole lot of time for tumblr, but i dont want you to think this is unimportant to me.

to be clear, im self diagnosed, and not planning on seeking a professional diagnosis, so i can only really walk you through doing your own research and self reflection and tips i can imagine would be helpful for seeking a diagnosis if you choose to do so. im aware my choice is somewhat controversial, and i would be happy to list out all my reasoning in a separate post, but i feel like that would be really fucking long (and kind of bitter tbh) and this is already gonna be a doozy. my main point is that if youre going to self diagnose, itll take a lot of research and thought; and if youre going to seek a prof diagnosis, itll take research and thought as well but youll also need to take into account the trustworthiness of whoever you turn to for help. if you go the prof dx route, i wish you nothing but the best of luck.

but onto my own process.

first, the DSM-5. a free PDF of the entire thing can be found here. make sure to read over the first part defining personality disorders as a whole, as well as the section on narcissistic personality disorder ofc, AND the disorders that it can often be mistaken for, which are listed under "Differential Diagnosis". take note of any that it seems you might fit the criteria for instead, or in addition. remember that NPD can be comorbid with many other conditions, as long as it isnt directly negating the diagnosis, such as narcissistic traits only being during episodes of mania.

please note though that the DSM-5 is still written from an outsider perspective. while it is ultimately the outline for a diagnosis, its not exempt from framing us in a negative light. for example - my lack of empathy isnt the result of any "unwillingness", i literally just have a lower capacity to empathize with others than the average person does. i can fake it, most of the time, but i cant force the real thing.

the DSM-5 also focuses mainly on pwNPD who are more outwardly grandiose, while ignoring those of us who dont present that way. for the most part im not a very "arrogant, haughty" person because ive learned thats not how i get my needs met. i may sometimes accidentally sound patronizing without realizing it, or i might unmask in safe environments and let myself be healthily arrogant (like playfully boasting and half-joking about everyone loving me), but on the whole i avoid it because in my experience, people like me better when im humble. even if im often arrogant internally, i filter myself. im not particularly grandiose now, but i used to be even less so - i was more of what gets referred to as a vulnerable narcissist, displaying (very often excessive by the standards of social acceptability, but still usually genuine) emotional vulnerability to others in the hopes of getting comfort and attention, and often placing myself into the "inferior" social rung that i believed everyone else wrongly saw me as because i felt that if i tried to take the "superior" position i "rightfully deserved" i would be hated for it. now i would say im in between grandiose and vulnerable, but still not as grandiose as whats described in the DSM-5.

also, consider the ways the criteria might apply in ways that may differ from whats described, or what immediately comes to mind. the "Diagnostic Features" section describes pretty specific scenarios, and i know i personally sometimes struggle to think beyond the examples im given. are the "special people" you associate with morally or creatively or spiritually special? do you exhibit entitlement by not doing assignments and being surprised by the consequences, or by expecting someone else in the household to handle the chores because youre busy, without considering that theyre busy too, maybe even busier? does your need for admiration apply to art you create, jokes you tell, facts you share?

TLDR for those last four paragraphs: the DSM-5 is absolutely the starting place for research, but doesnt encompass the entirety of the narcissistic experience. which is where the next step comes in -

keep researching. this step is... very, very difficult. the sad truth is youll mostly see articles about how horrible narcissists apparently are. youve probably already seen much of this and im sorry. theres not really any way to avoid it, because even resources that can offer actual help tend to have at least a degree of disdain for us. ive seen some pwNPD recommend the works of dr daniel fox, such as his worksheets available for free online, and if they might be helpful i encourage you to utilize those; however even his youtube channel is incredibly villainizing, at least based on the thumbnails (I Am Not Clicking On That Shit) so i really cant take him seriously and wont be giving him any of my money. please just be cautious wading through everything and remember that, whether you have NPD or just narcissistic traits, you arent the monster these people want to frame you as.

i wish i could remember every article that helped me along the way, but the biggest one i always recommend to ANYONE who wants to learn more about NPD is the one ill link here, Narcissus And The Daffodils. the authors use the checklist linked here to go into detail describing the spectrum of narcissistic experiences. the checklist is built using the DSM-5 criteria, essentially reworded, restructured, and added to in order to offer a more thorough understanding of NPD.* the authors elaborate on the checklist to explain how those criteria tie in with the experiences described.

*while the checklist is described as a potential tool for self diagnosis, i firmly believe it cant be your only resource to do so, and im unsure if that was the intention of the creators, who do openly state that they arent professionals. however, i still consider this a very helpful resource.

as an additional note: NatD touches on three different forms of empathy, emotional, cognitive, and compassionate. after doing a lot of research on the subject, my conclusion is that nobody can fucking agree on how to categorize and label different forms of empathy, but the categorization is still helpful for me and many others. basically, whats being said is helpful, just prepare to be confused if you try to research further because that model of empathy isnt the only one out there.

beyond that, you kind of just have to keep on trucking. sift through the bullshit. use your critical thinking skills, consider what info might actually be helpful and what might just be hateful and able to be disregarded. try to keep seeking out pwNPD, but also be cautious that even some pwNPD arent going to give the best info (r/NPD sucks ass and so does the associated discord holy fuuuuuuuuuck, absolutely toxic community and also not very queer friendly). and you mentioned relating to posts made by pwNPD, so it sounds like youve already been seeking out communities, and hopefully youve been finding good ones! im certain other pwNPD have more resources than what im able to offer as well.

TLDR for the past five paragraphs: research research research, keep your wits about you, think for yourself, seek out healthy communities, and dont let the shitheads get you down.

this will also take a lot of self reflection. you need to consider how your symptoms affect your daily life, your interpersonal relationships, your private moments. can you pinpoint when this started; was it sudden, or have these traits been building up over time? what might have caused all of this, what did your youth look like, what does your life look like now? how have you been praised? how have you been hurt? what were your parents or guardians like?

professionals arent 100% certain of what causes NPD, but there are patterns - genetics, upbringing, trauma. look at your roots just as much as your branches, so to speak. some pwNPD were praised too much as a child, made to feel more important than others. some had their needs neglected. some experienced both. im sure there are other factors im forgetting to list, so again, go listen to other pwNPD and see if anything they say clicks with you. ill use myself as an example below for the sake of explaining one of many many ways NPD can develop, but thatll touch on childhood emotional abuse and trauma, without going into too much detail. if thats still upsetting to read about, feel free to skip the next paragraph.

growing up i was both put on a pedestal for my achievements and talents (like getting good grades or being cute) and devalued for anything that was inconvenient or undesirable (like being easily scared or making mistakes), so i learned subconsciously that i was somehow innately superior to my peers but also that my superiority was conditional and i was innately flawed. i moved houses constantly, so i didnt get to learn how to develop lasting friendships, and my detachment made it far too easy for me to see people as temporary sources of attention and entertainment and not much else, easy to discard without any trouble once our time was up. even once my family settled down in my teen years, they still maintained an idea that i was better than my friends. my mother in particular was manipulative, so i learned to be manipulative too - i became calculated in how i spoke and behaved, tugged at heartstrings, and outright lied countless times, all as a survival mechanism as it became harder and harder to meet the expectations placed on me. i couldnt depend on the same easiness of childhood i had grown up with, especially with other obstacles like schizophrenia in the way of my grades, but i hadnt been taught how to work for success and didnt have the support to succeed, i just felt entitled to it, it felt like something innate to me. and while all these family and school troubles were happening, and eventually work troubles, i had my trust broken many times by many people (often BECAUSE my drive for attention led me to stick around awful people and put up with hurtful behavior), and this reinforced my misanthropic idea that i must be better than other people, but that i have to prove im not below them.

aside from just shamelessly liking to talk about myself - im sure i can be honest with you here lmao - im saying all this to illustrate a very important aspect of my self diagnosis process. i am able to pinpoint a VAST array of experiences from my youth, including plenty that i didnt even mention here, which contributed to the development of my symptoms and influence my current day behavior and psyche.

which means, going back to the tree analogy, i can connect my roots to my branches. i can recognize the symptoms i experience, the branches, and i can trace back down to the experiences that led to those symptoms, the roots. that helped me to better rule out other possible causes for those symptoms - i dont experience low empathy solely because of my autism, even if that is a factor, but specific events in my life further lowered my empathetic ability beyond what it potentially could have been. i dont feel superior as a symptom of mania, both because its a constant feeling and because i can explain how that feeling was instilled in me.

dont feel bad if you cant pinpoint everything like this. like i said, it takes a lot of self reflection, and if theres trauma involved, itll probably be a painful process. its ongoing too, there are still moments that i suddenly make a connection between a branch and a root. and mental illnesses as a whole are complex, because the brain is complex, and life is complex. and, again, genetics are believed to be a factor, so it could be possible that if you have NPD, you may have had a lot fewer developmental experiences that led into it, but experts just really arent 100% sure about all the facts. all i can tell you is my own experience.

and of course, i know ive already said it plenty of times, but focus on those branches too. really really consider how your symptoms impact you and how well they may line up with NPD or potentially something else. i know that i have full certainty in my self diagnosis, but i know that wont be the case for everyone and even with your own personal certainty, you might still want a professional diagnosis. again, if you choose to seek that, i wish you only the best and i hope youre treated with nothing but the highest respect and dignity.

so my tips for that prof dx as someone without one. first and foremost in this section: gonna have to say your current therapist is a no-go. its not impossible to change someones mind about narcissistic abuse, but its also sadly not all that likely on your own, and more importantly it isnt your job when youre just trying to get help for a potential disorder. there are websites where you can search for specialists (dont use psychologytoday), but i know when i tried on a site i sadly forget the name of, i didnt get any results, so i dont know how many options are out there and listed on these sites.

your next option is probably word of mouth. reaching out to NPD communities, asking who can be trusted. but, given how small the community is, and that you dont want to doxx yourself and might not feel safe asking people you know irl, thatll probably be difficult too. there may be listings somewhere by pwNPD, but im unaware of any.

i think the next best option is just to reach out to therapists in your area, or just as far as youre willing/able to travel, or as far as theyll take telehealth appointments - and ask them some questions. do some doctor shopping. this is an important decision and you need to know you can trust the person youll be opening up to. i would start by simply asking if they treat people with narcissistic personality disorder. some therapists may simply not have the expertise to offer such treatment, while others may actively refuse to do so, but either way, you want that yes/no answer. if they do treat pwNPD, you can continue to ask questions about their goals in treating pwNPD, the processes they use, their success rates with these patients.

i would be cautious in asking any questions that might even POSSIBLY come off as accusatory. directly asking a therapists opinions on narcissistic abuse may result in them slotting you into the "victim complex" role, or them feeling like theyre being put on the defense, even if they dont hold those beliefs. even those who dont see us fully as villains can still see us poorly. try to ask questions that are more common to what anyone would ask while researching a therapist, and take note of anything that seems off, or of if they seem particularly safe and affirming.

also!! please consider your insurance, if you have it! all my recent doctors have been referrals from other doctors, but in the past ive had to go on the site for my insurance and find a list of doctors who would take it. alternatively, you could ask upfront if they take your insurance.

beyond all this, i dont think theres any other advice i can give you. so ill give the floor to anyone who might have anything else to add, any resources, articles, websites, therapists, advice, words of encouragement, polite corrections to anything i might have gotten wrong.

if you read this far, thank you for your time, and thank you for trusting me to offer my help. i hope i could steer you in the right direction, because the sea is fucking rough out there. whether its NPD or something else youre struggling with, im happy to help you out, even if it takes me some time to reply. and once more for good measure: i wish you the best of luck, dignity, and care.

#asks #advice #teefiesworld #also ill put this in the tags since the post is mainly addressing diagnosis and research #but like. id kind of had NPD on the back of my mind for A While before actually researching it #like ''hmmm maybe i should look into that. nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh'' #''why do i struggle so much to consider others? why do i detach so easily? why do i obsess over praise? oh well nbd lol'' #and i didnt give it much thought bc i didnt present very grandiosely #until eventually it gnawed at my brain enough that i researched vulnerable narcissism and had an entire breakdown of my self perception #over the course of. idk however long it took me to come to terms with my narcissism #its so funny bc i think people see treating NPD as involving a decrease in grandiosity #but for me i had to learn to INCREASE my grandiosity bc i was suppressing it so hard it was detrimental to me #all about striking that balance #not to say ive like. cured myself or whatever. but im absolutely way healthier than i used to be #bc i learned to identify those branches and roots and started adjusting my behavior #idk im ramblingggg but you asked about how i started seeking info and like #i dunno it was just kinda. i couldnt keep ignoring my symptoms and started with vulnerable narcissism and the DSM-5 and on from there iirc #btw imagine im telling you all this in like the corner of a cafe over some hot drinks n pastries or what have you. my digital treat to u

[jubiilee13]

can u do like some angst w cc!quackity x fem!reader?? like enemies to lovers 😩😩

OK SO YEAH THIS WAS SENT IN SO LONG AGO

im gonna do angst to fluff bc slay

skater au! bc i said so

(tw : cursing and a teeny panick attack)

--

you hated his guts, and quite frankly... he hated yours.

you two were always at each others throats, always watching the others every move.

your rivalry didnt go unnoticed, and sooner than later your coaches were making a plan to get you two together.

so the day you walked into the rink to find out you were going to be working with quackity... to say the least you weren't pleased.

"You're pairing me with that douche-bag?!" you exclaim, face red from anger and slight embarrassment

"Im sorry y/n but he was our only other option, and you two better work together because you're our only shot at making it to the olympics."

You sighed in defeat, as much as you hated him, you knew they were correct.

So you begrudgingly but on your skates and entered the rink, the air sending a shiver down your spine.

He stood in the middle of the rink, all on his own and you scoffed.

'no surprise he's all alone, nobody else can stand to be around him either' you thought to yourself before gliding over.

A sly smirk made its way onto his face as you approached, and you internally cowered.

"Look who finally decided to show up, were you scared?" he asked, venom in his tone

As much as you wanted to stand up to him, you couldn't deny the fact that he was scary.

You quickly shook your head and kept your head down, eyes scanning the ice beneath you.

"So are you ready or what dipshit" He states, eyeing you down.

"Yeah just shut up and get into position" you muttered under your breath, barley loud enough to hear.

The two of you got into your places and most of the routine goes smoothly, until your lift that is...

Immediately beforehand you're nerves heightened and everything went downhill from there.

Your form on your leap into the lift was horrible, causing you to wobble in quackitys hands, and collapse when you hit the ground.

In an attempt to brace your fall, quackity immediately flips you on top of him, a small grunt leaving his chest as he hits the ground, and you fall on top of him.

You opened your eyes and felt your face flush as the two of you laid on the ice for a few moments more before getting up and pretending it never happened.

Similar mistakes began to happen at each of your practices, and finally, quackity had enough.

You made the same little slip up again, and quackity just snaps.

"ARE YOU SERIOUS Y/N?! WE'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR WEEKS AND YOU STILL MANAGE TO FUCK IT UP!! YOU'RE USELESS!! GET IT TOGETHER!!!!" He exclaims, throwing his arms up in the air, breathing heavily.

You freeze in your spot, face falling as he continues to shout at you.

You had thought you were getting better!!

Why weren't you getting better!!

Soon, your vision was blurred with tears and all you wanted was to curl up in a ball and cry.

'You cant cry infront of him!! He would call you weak!' you thought to yourself, as your breathing began to speed up.

"no no no no no" You whispered aloud, the tears starting to stream down your face now.

You tried to wipe them away, rubbing your cheeks and eyes with your sleeve.

Quackity had gone silent now, his eyes lingering on your panicking figure.

A sense of guilt filled his heart as he watched you struggle to compose yourself for him.

You quickly turned yourself around to leave, but felt a hand on your shoulder, preventing you from moving any further without falling.

"i- i shouldnt have done that" He whispers, as if not to overwhelm you.

"I just got upset... i... i just really want this to go well for us." He said, his hand still lingering on your shoulder.

You sighed and nodded, wiping the rest of your tears and shrugging his hand off of your shoulder.

And just like that, you two went along with your practice, pretending like nothing happened.

But yet he still felt this horrible feeling in his heart.

For the weeks to come, he tried to be nice, to make up for it, but nothing worked.

So he gave up.

The two of you practiced in silence, not a word being spoken for months.

Until the big day arrived.

The two of you nervously waited on the bench, as you watched the other skaters compete.

Almost in a trance, you watched the other skaters every move, hoping that you could outdo them.

You were torn out of your trance like state however by a hand on your shaking knee.

You whipped your head to the side, to find quackity staring at you with sympathetic eyes.

"n/n... whatever happens out there, i just wanted to tell you that im proud of you. You've come a long way." He says to you.

There was a sense of kindness and admiration in his voice that you just couldnt push aside.

"Thanks big q... you've come a long way too." You say, giving him a small smile.

And just like that, silence between you two again.

And just like that the moment had arrived.

You nervously stood in place as the other team finished up their routine.

"Hey n/n?" Quackity whispered to you, watching the way you curiously turned to look at him.

"Yeah?" You say shakily.

He sighed, and then took a deep breath.

"I figure theres no better time to do this than now but um... i'm sorry. I really am, i shouldn't have said those things to you that day, and i know how much it messed with your mind. I guess i was just so... infatuated with the thought that i would get to preform with you that i took it to far. Because i really like you n/n... like a lot. And i understand if you don't feel the same way but i just thought i ought to say it." He says, his voice quavering slightly.

You couldn't hide the smile on your face as he spoke, and just as he finished you pecked him on the lips.

All you did was smile as you watched his face flush to a crimson shade of red.

Maybe being paired with Big Q wasnt so bad afterall.

--

SORRY IF ITS KINDA RUSHED LMAOOOOOO

#skater! au #quackity x reader #quackity x you #quackity x y/n #mcyt x reader #mcyt x you #mcyt x y/n #dsmp x you #dsmp x reader #dsmp x y/n #rue writes!!

[slaythespire]

im sorry my tumblr followers who dont know me im mad rn, im just rambling mad under a readmore again thanksss

listen its not that i need to be dating someone im just chilling. in fact rn i would not want to date anyone.

but i HATEEEE HATE seeing people say shit like "You dont need anyone, you should learn to be happy without someone else in ur life! why do you need someone else! just be happy without that!" well damn sue me for wanting someone to deeply love me who i deeply love back!! why is that such a bad thing to want!! obviously if you cant function without being in a relationship that's not good, but people always say that shit to someone going "i feel unlovable and like no one will ever want me" and it feels so meanspirted!! damn!!

its been like almost a year since i got ghosted and i know its annoying to hear people complain abt the same thing over and over again. but its just HARD bcus i feel stupid, and used. i really thought my ex was like, THE person, we talked abt getting married and how we'd combine our last names, abt moving in together, supported each other through everything. when i was in inpatient this person called me almost everyday i was there to say hi and check in on me. i thought my future involved them and then they just dropped me without even an explanation. never in a million billion years did i think that would happen (outside of my bad brain telling me it would, which, well i was right so LOL) bcus they were my best friend of 8 years!!

and its scary bcus it makes me think there must be something wrong with me/"how could anyone ever love me when even the person who dated me for 6 years didnt". and people always say things like "you haven't met everyone who will care about you yet" but what if i have, and my one chance at having a relationship i was so happy in was ruined bcus the other person is a self-obsessed asshole who lied to my face abt so much for who KNOWS what reason. WHATEVER.

i feel like when i make posts like this i come off as an insane person in the "no wonder they broke up with you" way, but i promise im actually normal ive just been very emotionally ripped to shreds by a very bad breakup. barely a breakup bcus it was over TWITTER DM. whatever im just gonna be one of those people that obsesses over fictional characters so much i think were in a relationship.

i just rlly rlly wonder what their reasoning for doing this to me was and if they feel bad abt it. or if they think its funny, or if they just dont care. i also wonder if they think they can just message me one day and apologize and think itll be okay (i dont think this will happen, i used to but i dont anymore)

i lean towards they just dont care, i doubt they even think about what they did lol. i mean i HOPE they feel bad, but i dont think thats true. id be shocked if i ever heard from them again which is just, crazy. 8 years of knowing someone and it ends like that through no fault of your own. i wish i had a screenshot of the break up dm id post it in a heartbeat so anyone who actually read this far would feel whiplash like i do. (filled to the brim with "i love you so much" "i feel horrible for hurting you and i hate that im doing it" "i really care about you" "i hope you stay in my life bcus youre my best friend").

and it makes me really sad bcus OFC we would have stayed friends, i loved them so much that while id be sad abt breaking up i would still want them in my life. (WE EVEN TALKED ABT HOW IF WE BROKE UP WE ALWAYS THOUGHT WE'D STAY FRIENDS). but even in my fantasy world where they reach out after a few years all apologetic and guilty i just couldnt do it anymore.

one more but i don't understand what would compel someone to say all that knowing theyre lying and dont give a fuck about you, like it only comes off as evil and fucked up and cruel to me, so how else am i supposed to take that.

[yaraneechan]

Played 1 round of disco elysium:

I love Kim, I would die for Kim

Okay boat lady has my full trust, I dont understand a word she said but she seems nice

First game death: Cuno called me a slur and I died. Been using drugs to keep my morale maxed out since, I'm still terrified of him

First thought i ever did is get your shit together from Kim and honestly mood

The working class woman oh my god. "Do you know where your husband is? Your children? Your cockatoo? Are you sure they're okay because these question options i can ask have made me very worried

.... if you had given me the option to ask her if its okay to hug her first I would've done it im shy I cant just hug her without asking

One time I started the game and there's a glitch that made kim act like he's on speed like he's much faster so when we're running around he's passing me that runs back to me over and over and runs around me in circles and I'm obsessed with that actually

I love cindy I would die for cindy, she hates me though which is fair

I passed the check of getting to ask the smoking balcony guy if he's gay but I choose not to because I thought it was rude. I MISSED THE GAY THOUGHT NOOO

I also got the horrible necktie and never wore it

The thing is my sense of direction is awful and I'm the last person who should be looking around an island for plasmid traps

Oh a car

Two bros ~whisling on swings ~5 feet apart cuz they're not gay~

.....oH MY CAR

MY CAR!

H?!?

lmao

Oooh this island has so much bottles I can collect for money * few minutes of bottle collecting later* ...Welp....working class womans husband is doopity doop drop dead

Kim while explaining the scene where the working class man is dead from alcoholism while surroundedby bottles: *stares at my bag* "....it would me insensitive to collect these". KIM! KIM I WOULD NEVER< says the guy who later wears late Renee's outfit to show to gaston

Okay, okay were gonna tell her that her husbands dead, okay sure, lemme just change my clothes- changes into everything with empathy modifiers* im ready lets go

*Kim starts cleaning his glasses signaling that ill be the one doing the talk ing* nonono Kim! Kim! Don't do this to me Kim pleASE

I did perfect...that was....that was...I need a minute....

....

Getting a green check and telling cindy about a really cool graffiti idea-cindy gets jealous- cindy its not like I couldve drawn it anyway please just gimne the brush

Thank you spoilers for letting me know about the chair I was PREPARED

Renee less monarchy apologism and more gay please you can do it i believe in you

Okay I dont have time so I'm just gonna skim through the cryptozoology dialogu- did lena just say something racist back up wAT

Second game death: awful sound gave me a heart attack

*Garte being polite and kind to me after the tibunal* finally! *immediately asks garte for a drink only for him to start the speech about him not having a shaker again* fuck you too Garte I boiled a corpse's shoes in your kitchen you deserve it

Welp I lost the dancing check at the church time to go to the tribunal *gets shot in the leg* great! i got enough points to try the dancing check again! kim, who's been looking after me for days: do not even think about it

"Give sculptures to lady?" "Yeah sure" "actually you can't, stupid task you took on there" fuck u

Gary "Sorry for being racist" was surprisingly direct about it, hm

Gaston told me that Renee died without his uniform which was at the cabin so I think 'oh ill get them and give them to gaston' 'oh I cant equip them, guess ill wear them' *Gaston gets upset and Kim is disappointed* 'oh I see where I went wrong now'

So After talking to Gaston and finding out that Renee died , i got a task to give Renee something, like he's not...-fine....anyway so I gave it to gaston and told him he's old and will die soon too so he'll give it to Renee for me in the afterlife I think

Promised soona that I'll talk with egghead but I tried everything and nothing worked i gave up

THE PHASMID????? AND WE GOT PICTURES! Woo

Asked Kim to work at my place and he was happy yeeeee

#disco elysium #mine #tw drugs mention #tw death mention

[exoticalmonde]

My Beautiful Aranara friend is at it again

[Transcribed: "hey do u remmeber back in sumeru how i disappointed i was that the characters weve been introduced to never perma die despite having aids, cancer, fibrodysplasia ossificans progressiva and brain tumors while the entire country is on fire bc the national volcano exploded and lava is burning everythihg on its path while the bottom of the volcano is actually very radioactive and everything around in 30k kilometer radius is now czarnobyl i was joking]

They are making all of the horrible choices in hating the charatcers that I like the most and suddenly there's this whole situation where they cry on the discord about how everybody is going to die a gruesome death and it's all their fault since they wished it loud and proud thinking they're quirky (very much so)

And here's the POV of an aranara making terrible choices that will be regretted very very soon.

---

They were complaining about it a while ago and we end up having a conversation about it again

Which, they do

Willingly

---

I don't even remember the context of this, I asked for art of me as a melusine ever since Fontaine came out, there's not that many but I really wanted it for the hell of it and then I get this

Yeah, I'll need help when the cops are after me because I was a little silly.

---

Oh, I was sadge that day because they were mean when I was explaining the story of 'The Cruel Prince' before sending hot fan art of Cardan

---

I BELIEVE YOU WHY DO YOU THINK IM SARCASTIC WE LITERALLY SPOKE ABOUT IT THE OTHER DAY

"BECUASE MY BROTHER SAYS THE EXACT SAME WORDS BEFORE ASKING ME IF I TOOK MY SCHIZO MEDS" DO I LOOK LIKE YOUR BROTHER ????

"NO UR SO MUCH BETTER LOOKING WITH INCREDIBLE RACK UNLIKE THAT FLAT FUCK PTSD CAN BE TRIGGERED REGARDLESS OF HOW A PERSON LOOKS THOUGH"

I was about to make it a here and now traumatic stress disorder but ily and I am grateful you remember I have a rack better than your brothers'

Them: "the fishg is me and cereal is ur luv"

And then followed by

---

HERE IS THE ORIGINAL FIRST ONE OH MY GOD I LOVE HER

That's when I asked to make it green but honestly... My colour has been orange for a while I do like it orange. But my aranara colouor was green vs their pink so its'fair. Honestly, free doodles I can show off because I love my friend and my friend loves me.

---

I jumped the gun trying to explain a story without explaining the ship but it came out with this

---

Again, we kith

love

fish and grass

---

They said i can hold them with my new nails and I cannot say no to a little aranara smooshing

---

Luc

---

ALL OF THEM ARE SO PRECIOUS I LOVE THEM SO MUCH THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME WHILE WE PLAYED SALLY FACE AND ALL THE SHABANG THANK YOU FOR INVITING ME TO THE GROUP BECAUSE WE HAVE A NEW ARANARA BABY AND THEIR NAME IS KOU <3

---

And also special thanks to Sally Face, I cant wait for the new game now that we replayed the 1st one.

#friendship #friendship banter #memes #doodles #i love my friend #leaffeu #aranara #melusines #fontaine #sumeru #sally face #larry sally face #larry x sally

[bunnychargebolt]

Im going to give my parents shaken baby syndroms Im- hhhhhhhh vent :3 (gonna put any warning stuffs in tags)

I am so just- am eepy. I want to sleep. It is fucking 2:30 in the morning. But I cannot! Because I am hungry! And my body is fucking not doing good! And I can not do anything about it because I do not have food.

But for whatever reason!! My mother!! Who eats the least in this household!! Continually has her stuff stocked!! She fucking- eats like two of the jif to go cups of peanut butter for lunch. And that is like- her lunch. And that just fucking works for her. Which is because she got fucking weight loss surgery.

Im

Hhhhhhhhhhhh

I do not have enough food. And honestly I probably havent had enough food in months. Because instead of eating i sleep. Because my body shuts down. And I am trying *so hard* to get across to my parents that I need food. I am- hhhhh honestly prolly qualifying as anorexic speaking strictly on eating patterns. Which ik for sure my mom is.

And also my irl friend keeps talking about hes gonna starve himself. And im- hhhhh. Theres so many fucking tjings going on with him and theyre bad and I havent talked about them and im going to fucking lose my mind. But thats not even what im focused on right now.

I dont know if i can continue physical therapy. Because it is not guaranteed that i have food. And my parents say that money is tight. But my mother is constantly getting a bunch of stuff. And we have so much shit. And im- i camt handle all of this.

I cant ask for anything without being told that im asking for a lot. My mom ordered in dinner for me and my brother the other night bc she got a thing through work and i asked for what I know would be enough for me and I got told that thats too expensive. Which i understand. The cost of shit is fucking insane. But there is so much fucking focus on cost and portion size and “oh tjat costs too much” “oh youre asking for a lot” “dont forget that this is what a portion size” and even fucking talk of like calories and checking even though i ask for that to not happen.

People tell me to take some of their food because they have plenty and I get it but Im fucking terrified. My mom had locked up a shit ton of food when i was a kid including freezers. Which to this day still have the locks by them. And if im caught she wont hesitate to do it again. I cant go through that again.

I know I cant really get out. Im genuinely scared of my parents. I- cant. I cant get out. I cant leave stuff. Im terrified. Fuck i don’t remember ever not being scared of my mom in some capacity. And my dads way more passive but sometimes he yells and I just- cant do it. And i hate that what they do works. I get shoved into being this fucking doormat of a person.

Honestly I dont think I ever really got to be a person. I still dont super feel like one. I dont have complete control over myself. I dont feel like i have free will. Which sucks. I wanma be my own person. I wanna learn what itd feel like to be able to be myself for even a day. Im- just lost a lot of the time.

The only good thing I know for sure is coming out of this is that I know my depression medication works. Im pretty sure most of my issues with functioning are from malnutrition issues. And im def not suicidal or having thoughts of sh which is really nice!! Plus I know I have a very supportive group of friends online that I love very much

Wuheiwhe speaking of friends- angy about irl friend. He fucking- complained to me that he gets upset when i vent about shit at home cause hes gonna get kicked out when he turns 18. Which likw- i get it. The threat of being homeless is horrible. But if your thought process while you have fucking unwatched access to a credit card and can essentially have whatever the fuck you want while im saying i dont fucking have food at home is “well at least you have a home” IS FUCKING INSANE. Especially because you have already gathered almost $1000 in cash amd still have like 11 months to figure shit out. Your future situation sucks but that should not take away empathy for my current situation??? Where i am??? Not getting fed enough???

I understand that your homelife is shit and your family is fucked. However, you almost never get told no. Which is really fucking obvious!!! Because you wont take any of my nos for an answer!!! And tbh youre kinda financially abusive!!! I hear how you talk to your bf which is fucking insane and i hate it. And when you talk about how you pay for gas when im using my parents cars and they need to be filled and i say were driving around too much and using a lot of gas you go “well its my gas” No!! It isnt!! That is not how that works!! And just because you pay for the fucking gas WHEN YOU HAVE ME DRIVING FUCKING ALL OVER THE PLACE BECAUSE I LITERALLY CANNOT GWT YOU TO UNDERSTAND IM SAYING NO does not kean you pay for the rest of the fucking car!!! You also!! Make jokes about taking back gifts!! Because you paid for them!! Which is shitty as fuck!! And its not even your fucking koney its your grandmas money and you got fucking pissed and bitchy when Ive mentioned that when talking about it being different when one of our friends took advantage of us for money because you are just handed it and the stuff i had i workwd for, in a job that started the decline of my physical wellbeing. Its not the same fucking thing.

Im

Shaking. I want to scream. I cant. Handle everything. I dont want to have to be here and dealing with all of this.

And anothwr fucking tjing about ky friend- he gets pissy when me or his boyfriend accidentally leave garbage in his room. Which i get a little but then he doesnt take care of it either!! And then he has shit there all the time!! Including multiple unfinished starbucks drinks that have grown mold!!! Why do you keep getting the biggest fucking size when you know damn well you wont drink it.

And you keep fucking- i cant play therapist for you. You cannot constantly come crying to le about your bf and talking about how you should break up with him AND THEN GET KAD AT ME FOR SUGGESTING YOU BREAK UP WITH HIM

Im not- i cant. Im

Im violently angry. And i want to sleep. Amd i wamt to be able to have food. And i want my oarents to love me and understand me. Or even fucking- to try. At all. I want my physical wellbeing to matter. But it doesnt. In multiple different ways. And its all just so bad all the time and i try and tune it out but it slips through.

Im having trouble remember things. Its bad. Im- i cant use my brain as well as i know i should be able to. Im- idk. I just cant fucking deal with this. Except im still going to. Im complaining but theres mot kuch i can change.

I hate feeling like im breaking all the time. I want to be able to be loved and be a person and have a home!!! I have a roof over my head. And i appreciate that so much. But this is absolutely not a home. And its very much not welcoming for me. And I just- I perpetually have the feeling of “i want to go home” with no home to go to. And its been like that for most of my life. And I just- really want to have a home.

#vent #tw vent #this was originally about ky parents but it tirned into a generalized thing #ummm #tw disordered eating #tw eating issues #financial abuse #fuckinggg #emotional abuse #??? #shit gets fucky idk #my brains not- doing well #also im actively running away from server friends in this post #i love you guys #just #being vulnerable is hard and i hold back as much as i can #when were on call or whatever #scared of complaining too much and pushing people away again #pls dont leave lol

[kyskaisen]

1,000 Miles Away - Maki Zenin x Fem! Reader

a/n: hehe FINALLY decided to make a real post instead of those random ass thoughts that come up in my head💀

also this is based off the song i cant handle change by roar and drowning by vague003 (i think thats how u spell it lol)

because my best friend left me a few weeks ago and i've been rlly struggling a lot bcs of it and yeah🥲🥲🥲

anyways😍😍😍

a maki post bcs im literally in love with her<333

warning: some cursing idk depends on how this goes :/, maki may or may not be ooc here

synopsis: you and Maki were always best friends, since the very beginning. you two've been through thicc and thin together for 17 long years. what happens when all of that goes away so suddenly?

.

It was horrible. The text just sent to you left you in pieces. Billions of little pieces that nobody was able to pick up.

Not even Maki.

For the longest time, you and her have been the best of friends. Inseparable, even. It'd been on one sunny day in your Pre-K class when you'd been sitting on the swings by yourself when a girl with beautiful green hair and bangs came up to you with a simple,

"Hello" A girl said; holding her hands nervously. You looked up from the ground and up at her.

"Hi" You responded quietly. A couple more seconds of silence goes by, and neither of you say a word.

"...I'm Maki" The girl introduced herself. You blinked back in response.

"I'm Y/n. It's very nice to meet you, Maki" You finally said, cheerfully. Maki smiled back and got on the swing next to you.

"Do you wanna be friends?" You asked, turning your head next to her. A wide smile grew on her face and she nodded.

And that was how it started.

From the first meeting, to the last goodbye, and everything in between those 17 years all went by in the blink of an eye. And it hurt you.

It hurt you so bad to see her hanging out with someone else, looking at them the same way she'd been looking at you just some days ago. Full of joy and happiness.

Seeing her be happy with another person made your heart ache and shatter into a million little pieces. You hated yourself.

You hated yourself.

You hated yourself.

You hated yourself.

You'd been hating yourself for so long that you were afraid you'd never go back to being your old, cheery self. It killed you to see Maki laughing her ass off, hanging out together outside of school, doing all the other things you two did.

With someone else.

You hated yourself for making her leave you. You hated yourself for her not loving you anymore. You hated yourself for those mistakes you made in the past and you swore that if you could take all of that back, you could.

You hated yourself for being the way you are: Just an asshole who's been given the unfortunate ability to make everyone they love hate them.

You wanted to apologize to her in person, to make her see what the fuck she did to you. To see how fucked up you've gotten. To watch the look on her face when you break down crying right in front of her own eyes just so she could see the pain she fucking put you through.

You wanted to see her again. Not from afar, but up close. Shame washed over you when you would sometimes scroll by her contact, and notice that it's been 1..2...6 weeks since you've last spoken.

That time frame doesn't seem like a lot, but the lonely feeling that haunted you made it feel like 1,000 years; still being 1,000 miles away from Maki.

You wanted to take it back. You wanted to take back all your mistakes, but life has horribly shown you that there's no way of doing that.

You wanted it back. You wanted your old life back: You and Maki annoying each other, texting and facetiming till 3 am, sending each other stupid pictures y'all found on Pinterest, all of it.

You longed for it back. And no matter how much you pleaded to the Gods above you, they always turned a deaf ear to your cries.

Those 6 weeks turned into 6 months without Maki. Even though she never moved away, still went to the same school, you still saw her in the hallways,

She still felt 1,000 miles away.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

a/n: bruh i think i went a little too far since i basically made this a vent post now🥲🥲🥲

yeah i added the 'still see her around' part cuz i wanted to at least let yall get a glance at her beautiful face<33 (irl i didnt get to see my ex best friend after we graduated middle school, and we go to a diff highschool now so the fact i'll never be able to see her again kills me inside cuz i'll never know how shes doing. though i did put the 'see her around' part cuz i drew experience from a recent ex gf where she had my friend text me saying 'hey ___'s breaking up with u bcs she thinks ur an annoying bitch and u make her uncomfortable' and then that ex never talked to me again :/ im sorry I talked too much lmaoo)

anyways i hoped u guys enjoyed !! if not thats fine too lmaoooo

have a good day/night and stay safe!!

wc: 656

#maki x reader #maki zenin x reader #jjk angst #jjk x y/n #jujutsu kaisen #Youtube #Spotify

[weirdcat1213]

trigun bookclub time :D volume 2 thoughts

chap 00.1

-vash's method of meditation is the only one that's valid in my eyes/j

-3 seconds of meditating vs 3 hours of training...huh...i wonder...why is that...and what...that says about him...

-hes bad at chess hes like me fr fr

-yey we love a day without casualties :D

chap 00.2

-the bit about us taking shelter on technology but still not knowing what the future holds...yeah that feels timeless now huh

-vash don't go there! oh no he has earbuds he cant hear me (that would literally happen to me tho)

-i love that panel where no one says anything after the girl is like "yeah i can give you pocket money." nice representation of the irritation people feel towards that kind of people. they arent mad just really tired of that bs

-oh man thats actually pretty horrible (page 23)

-"and i think of nothing but love and peace" besides that we know your head is empty but we love you so its ok

-yeah vash show her the real world

-interesting that he makes her see the chance of her dad dying (he didnt know what was gonna happen) which makes sense cuz she cant run from the truth anymore but its also interesting cuz if we was able to not see it he would. he hates seeing people dying and yet he watches and makes others watch. i dont think its about "if i have to, you have to as well" but more about her seeing the consequences of violence (what her father did) and the cycle of hate so she doesnt repeat it. idk.

chap 1

-rem coming out of his coat....hm....

-weird man coming

-YEAH SEND HIM TO HELL >:D

-if rem is holding him back you say...hmmm...i will go back to that later

-well thats creepy

chap 2

-my boi is in jail nooooooooooooo

-you can feel the size of the ship with one panel nightow is ridiculously talented when creating big spaces, like the sandsteamer shot in the last volume

-..... :c

-my babygirl :c

-i like he started the flashback angry as hell and then it turned into sadness cuz even if he makes knives pay nothing will bring rem back

-also the literal ship crashing into his memories what if I [redacted]

-SEE LOOK AT THAT SHIT! SPACE FEELS MASSIVE AND ITS LITERALLY JUST THE PLANET AND THE SHIP

-aaaand hes angry as hell again cuz the memory finished with knives. interesting

-dont look at me with those kind eyes, we saw you

-YEY ITS DIABLO TIME :D go get em

chap 3

-aw cmon :c

-and there goes the arm

-hey >:[ dont call my girl milly an idiot

-ugh you can feel how fucking stressed out he is ahhhhhhhhh

-ah yes, we love seeing how right knives is...

-huh, i wonder if knives is smiling cuz before he was like "nah she was stupid like the rest" but since she got to correct the ships's trajectory he got a bit of respect for her in the end

-is monev vs vash supposed to be like david and goliath? hm

-my god thats fucking beautiful

-also i dont think thats a ghost but maybe like her presence? like vash is remembering her and her kindness

-AH I HATE THAT I HATE THAT. THE CHAPTER IS CALLED FRAGILE, ENDS UP WITH VASH CRYING AND THE "rem" IS SO LITTLE THAT IS ONLY MEANT FOR US AND VASH TO BE AWARE OF IT WHAT IF I CRIED A RIVER AHHHHHH

chap 4

-oh meryl...oh honey...sweetie...

-the scars appear :D yey :D

-meryl is kinda asking him "arent you tired of being nice dont you want to go apeshit" but not really and i like that

-yknow what meryl is right pls go away and live a quiet life pls, ik whats coming but just thinking about it....

-yee ik the reason why but still >:v

-oh....oh i actually forgot about that...oh

-"rem didnt sacrifice her life for a world like that" im tearing up actually and idk why...its been a hard week

-lmao hes so mad at vash

-yeah hunt him down babygirl >:D

chap 5

-....metal >:D

-they deserved it btw

-huh thats actually kinda nice of him i forgot

-ofc he would blame vash for that, then again vash makes all of us at least a little bit soft i think

chap 6

-i love you vash that takes his sweet time to process traumatic situations, yes that was scary

-vash saying "im the deathwish" means a lot to me as an mcr fan lmao. i will think more about that later tho

-HES HEREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

-YES YOU ARE A PRIEST OMG WHY AM I THIS EXCITED

-THEY MEET, OMG THEY ARE MEETING! AMAZING!

-STOP BLUSHING BRO LIKE AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

-WHY ARE YOU TOUCHING HIS CHIN LIKE THAT YO

-"go home or go to hell" oh im getting that on a tattoo one day actually, so metal

-...cmon, me me big boi

-THAT SMILE, THAT DAMN SMILE im gonna jump off my local cliff

-vash in the beginning saying he can read people and then wolfwood comes and READS HIM LIKE ITS NOTHING

chap 7

-"is that a friend of yours" he looks so offended lmao

-ahhhh that must be so scary, he already has knives to worry about but the fact not everyone can see legato makes his job harder ahhhhh

-bye baby ily (hes my son that i only share with a couple of other ww enjoyers)

-CAN YOU STOP BEING GAY FOR 2 MINUTES

-OH THAT PANEL IS SO GOOD (also even more princess coded, like looking at really from a castle idk)

-GUYS GUYS MY WIFE IS HERE

-i keep forgetting hes missing his little arm :c

-lmao wolfwood is right, i wouldnt go to a church all the way there :b

-yeah and shes hot while teleporting all over the place

-ok but shes really fucking cool, despite wanting to kill my comfort character, yknow how these things go

-OHOHOHOO THAT PANEL WITH VASH FOCUSING IS AMAZING

-YESSSSS, SO METALLLLL

chap 8

-aaaand...there goes my wife

-ahhhhhh he looks so little :c

-OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HES COMING, HES NEAR

-idk ww :c idk when will it end

-OH WOW OH SHIT I FORGOT ABOUT THAT

-yeah right i dont like this part :b (its not bad just personal stuff)

-ok he do be looking pretty tho, i wonder if its a family thing

-YEAH MERYL SMACK THAT MF

-im a ball of rugged paper and my feelings are nothing...thanks nightow ily

-oh wait...he actually thought that was the end...thats so fucking smart nightow...wow i never considered that....

-aw babygirl :c but i cant even imagine how that must feel, how much hate he feels towards knives rn

-i think besides the "he called me by my name" meryl and milly let him go cuz they just felt he was going to matter what, like you can feel vash and his unstoppable energy on those pages

-oh hes so fucking pretty

-WAIT I NEVER NOTICED THAT BUT YEAH THAT WAS ON STAMPEDE EP 3 HOLY FUCK, THEY SAID THE SAME THING

-knives just fucking reads vash like an open book its incredible and it makes me so sad cuz vash cant escape, he cant hide nothing, not in front of knives

-he cant be knives without the good old gaslighting >:D

-the yelling throughout the page is amazing

-vash is crying noooooooooooooooo :c

-NO. STAY AWAY FROM ME, EVIL PANEL THAT HAUNTS MY DREAMS

-also :c

-im not too sure of what happened with his legs but ok sure

-im afraid my babygirl cant give you an answer ww, i dont think he knows

-.....why is the world so mean to him :c

#trigun #trigunbookclub #AND IK WE'RE JUST GETTING INTO TRIMAX #BUT IT STILL HURTS

[ankhisms]

have experienced what feels like 800 emotions in rapid succession on a rollercoaster today and it hasnt even really been a bad day honestly or anything im fine you know how it is

my mood swings have just been a lot stronger than they usually are since thats one of the biggest things my meds are for theyre like supposed to be a mood swing stabelizer but anyway

something that im aware is related to my more severe paranoia and obsessive compulsive issues but is less severe and more just adjacent to those is like being scared that im somehow a hypocrite about various random things or that im somehow secretly an awful horrible person who hurts people and does bad things without me even realizing that im doing that. im also aware that this very much stems from the way my abuser treated me and also the behavior of ""friends"" i had when i was younger who just now as im older i realize honestly didnt even like me and kept me around to make fun of me and be cruel to me together as a kind of group bonding thing.

which sucks because when im doing self soothing techniques and trying to calm myself down or even just approaching these thoughts and talking myself thru things it can be hard to counter the fear of "what if my friends or people i know in general actually talk together about how im an awful person and they hate me or talk together about how ive done something wrong without telling me?" with "no thats not fair or true and not based in reality" because it very much WAS reality for me. not in the sense of me having done something "wrong" in the past with those ""friends"" but like them being cruel to me and making fun of me when i wasnt around and the things i did ""wrong"" were just my autistic traits and other symptoms of my various mental things especially during that period of my life where i was completely unmedicated and had just gotten away from my abuser and was still in the awful school environment of being harrassed every single day.

anyway its really like. i know i shouldnt worry about this, rationally i know this. but just because i know something isnt rational it doesnt make my brain stop obsessively thinking about it so its like i could see someone saying "i hate when people go to the moon and jump up and down and sing the abcs" (ridiculous example bc i cant think of anything else) and i could at first go oh yeah i get that and like their post but then my brain will go but what if ive done that without realizing it and they see me liking their post and they go "ugh rey this post is about YOU and people like you and youre such a hypocrite and dont even know it" and the spiral begins. and in the end i guess all of this just goes to show that having people pretend to be friends with you only to hate you and ridicule you and pick apart every little thing you do behind your back really fucks you up.

also thinking about the ex close friend who cut me off out of nowhere with no explanation for seemingly no reason about a year or so ago now and ive continued to have kind of taking off the rose tinted glasses moments where i loved and cherished this friend so much that i excused how shitty they treated me at different times. not at all saying they are or were a bad person or that there was any abuse going on or anything like that but im just realizing that we both come from dysfunctional abusive families and we both have our own physical and mental problems and so throughout our friendship we both mightve not made the best choices or couldve handled things better and im not exempt from that. but also i realized that he would not tell me if i had done something to upset him and it would be like a guessing game for me and would really stress me out and make me feel awful

and its like. now as im older i would want to be able to talk things out and understand what had happened and be able to apologize and work on doing better. and in general thats something i really try my best on like i think in the past i would really get stuck in obsessively overthinking in self analyzing and get into moral obsessive compulsive spirals that just ended up hurting myself more than helping me grow, and anyway i always want to be able to step back and look at myself and my actions and be willing to listen if someone tells me ive done something hurtful or that i need to re-examine my behavior and beliefs, i think im pretty good at listening to people about stuff like that and have gotten much better about not falling into those spirals i just mentioned and examining myself in smaller healthier doses

but at the same time i do really get worried that people just arent telling me that theyre upset with me or that ive done something wrong or hurt them in some way. i really just want to be a good friend to people and i dont want people to be scared of coming to me and talking with me if ive done something to hurt them or to just talk about things with me in general and i dont want people to think im so fragile and mentally fucked up that theyd be scared of upsetting me by telling me id done something hurtful and letting it fester instead. i dont want to hurt people i want to spend my life making people happy and helping people and being a good friend, thats what i want most out of my relationships in life overall. i want to make people feel content and happy and safe.

but idk i just get scared. please be honest with me be upfront with me be blunt with me even i know im traumatized but i wont shatter into a million pieces if you tell me youre upset with me ill appreciate you being honest about it and ill stop whatever it was i was doing or work on it. i know im bad with social cues bc of autism and if i misunderstand something or say something inappropriate/out of my lane due to this please just tell me yknow

i really hate that my brain is like this and that having been abused and mistreated in the past has made me struggle like this because i want to trust that people arent talking badly about me or angry with me secretly i dont want to be so paranoid i dont want people to feel like they cant be honest with me or that im made of glass and that ill shatter if they tell me theyre upset with me, i want to trust that the people in my life like me and dont secretly hate me and im really trying hard but paranoia isnt something i can just magically wave away yknow its something im probably going to be dealing with for most of my life and im always kind of scared that people are going to get tired of my paranoia

despite living in survival mode constantly i still love all the people in my life a lot and i just want everyone to be happy and safe and i always wish there was more i could do to help everyone and i want everyone to be able to thrive and to be living comfortably and have all their needs met and to get all the help they need i love everyone a lot i want everyone to be okay and yeah

have also been majorly overthinking about if i want to do something that im being vague about as i ramble about it which i know is silly and its not even like something bad or negative but i just keep overthinking about the possible what if scenarios of oh what if i do this and they react really badly and cut me off and never want to talk to me again and due to this im also unfortunately like overthinking most things recently and being even MORE scared than usual of coming off as weird or being weird and making people uncomfortable but aint that just the way yknow. ill either do it or ill be a coward

anyway besides that my days been pretty decent its a lovely early autumn day. after typing this all i realized im probably feeling super emotional and weird because i just started my period lmao but thanks if you read this i love u mwah

[pinkseas]

Oh my go d I cN T BELIVE YOU. it's one thing to have trauma. I have trauma. ever since i was a litlte kid, I had a stuffed bear. it's name was apple. i loved that thing to bits, carried it everwhere. When i was fifteen that same teddy bear came to life and killed my ENTIRE family. i was orphaned at fifteen. do you know what that's like? To get tossed into the foster system when you would have already aged out of it? It's horrible. It's a despicable experience I wouldn't wish on anyone and it ws all because of Apple. To this day, i can't look a tapples or teddy beras. so i UNDERSTADN having trauam. I cant walk past a build-a-bear on my daily trips to the mall without having a panic attack. but guess waht. i dont walk into that build a bear and scream at everyone there that they killed my family. i just AVOID THE BUILD-A-BEARS. It's one thing to hate children. It's another thign to publicly announce it, on a site that many kids frequent. I hate you.

whwhhwth yo uwoudl you say the word "little kid" to me im ltierlaly tratumatized im goign to have a fucking panic attack what the FUCK OYUre literlaly attakcing me right onw ??????

whwhhy woudl i car ebaotu you being orhpaned at 15. apple was so fuckign based for that i HATE kids you should always do everything you sohuld to bring pain upon chidlren in any istuation i think apple is a victim here nad should not be as hated as it is. build a bear is disgusting anyways its a freak store for freak little chidlren if even ONE good thing came of it it was that it caused harm to a child by orphaning you at 15 like literally kust get fucked i ahte you i HATE YOU WHY OWUDL YOU SAY THIST T OME SOTP TRAUMADUMPING IN MY INBOX WHEN I LITERALLY HAVE TRAUMA MYSELF /???????? youre trying to use your own experiences to invalidate mine i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you iahte oyu i hope apple kills YOU next

#the cove is on fire 2 electric boogaloo #HIIIIIIII JR <3333 #lmk in dms if any of this is too much btw i cna edit it etc etc i dont wanna like. genuinely be upsetting or anything