#im so bad with words and conveying my gratitude | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ttyls · 6 months

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im so upset right now i cant even speak 😣😭his nervous hands :(( he's so scared and lonely :((((

gif frm @avengerscompound

noooooo devastated nervous anxious stevieeee 😥😢 when i think about the man out of time deleted scene, i could cry for a million years 😭 we have to comfort him!!!! we have to wrap him in love, tenderness, and give him something to live for!!!! 😖

Anew

pairing: Steve Rogers x reader

word count: 394

warnings: none, but also fresh-out-of-the-ice sad Steve :-(

He looks so sad, almost like you that time you actually cried on this train. Nobody paid attention to you of course, but you still inwardly cringe when the memory finds you. He's rubbing his hands together like he’s trying to soothe himself.

This man seems like he’s strong enough to hold back until he goes home, but you feel so bad for him, bad enough to hand him a metaphorical tissue.

“Umm… excuse me, are you lost?”

He turns his head towards you, and his eyes widen ever so slightly when he figures out you’re addressing him. You ask again, “Are you lost? Do you need any help?”

His lips part a little to speak, but then he stops. He looks like he doesn’t even know where to begin answering your questions. Something about him makes you want to help, so you continue talking. “If you don’t know where to go or when you need to get off the train, I could help you.”

He nods in acknowledgment of your offer. “I… uh, thank you. My stop is coming up soon,” his voice trails off. He looks down at his lap where his hands are still clasped together. “I’m-... I’m new here,” he admits. His every word is crammed with nervousness and hesitation. His eyes move back up to yours and you hope your facial expression is properly conveying the empathy you feel for him. Maybe he’s from somewhere far away with fewer people and a different pace of life.

“This city does move very fast, but you’ll find your footing soon,” you respond. Trying your best to reassure him, you add, “If you’ve made it this far, there’s definitely something here for you.”

His eyes are now the color of gratitude and his mouth lifts into a small smile. “Thank you. I appreciate your words.” Lowering his voice, he continues, “I’ve had a hard time… adjusting, and I just-... I really needed to hear that.”

Thankfulness is written all over his face, and knowing you told him the right thing makes your heart sing. Any more of this and it might be the second time you cry on this train.

He brings his hand out for a handshake and introduces himself as Steve. You shake while giving him your name, and he says, “I’m glad to meet you.” You think so, too.

#steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x you #captain america x reader #captain america x you #steve rogers x poc!reader #steve rogers x y/n #steve rogers x gn!reader #steve rogers fanfiction #asks #brandycranby

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onlyjaeyun · 11 days

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Dude I fucking loved CH wth 🤭

I'm being so honest right now, you had me invested from the very beginning, there's something about the way you write your characters that make them feel like actual humans, and I loved every second of it

Starting with oc obviously, i was completely enamored by her, bc yeah she's an absolute baddie, she's good at her job, knows what she's doing, is loving, honest, smart, and so freaking pretty. But she also has some heavy ass baggage, is still learning how to navigate her way through life, puts her loved ones (found family) above anything else, which we know has its good and bad side, and is learning to love and honor herself in a more healthy way

The pain was real whenever the angst waves came around, seeing all the shit she had to put up with, and never prioritizing herself, but that only made me love even more those steps of growth, confidence, self respect, and accountability she kept on taking after every hardship. (I legit started tearing up at the part about owning her pleasure, and understanding that regardless of whoever her sexual partner was, the decisions, vulnerability and enjoyment are hers to own and live to the fullest).

Same thing with all the relationships in the story, from the Nishimuras bond, history, and fight to actually be left alone by that bitchass family, to each of the friendships, between the boys, with yn individually, and with tsuki 😭😭😭 I love them so much you have no idea, they're SO FUCKING ADORABLE, AND REAL, AND GOOD AND REASSURING TO EACH OTHER I CANNOTJDJDIW

Anyway yeah, those are the type of friends people need, their advice, company, humor, love, admiration, respect, protectiveness, and sincerity. I just thank for taking so much time into developing each of their dynamics, personalities and quirks

And how could I not, our main ship, my babies HoonYn and their entire fucking story, interactions, chemistry, and bond had me giggling, crying, punching the air, kicking my feet, and sobbing of frustration, pain, and pride all in the span of 5 hours (yes I read the entire series in one sitting, no I did not sleep at all, yes it was absolutely worth it)

Anyway, I feel like that's a whole lot of rambling and I'm barely making any sense -also I'm sleep deprived and English is not my first language, so I apologize for all the mistakes here-, but overall, I just wanted to congratulate and thank you for conveying so many struggles we have to get through in the daily, you didn't shy away from the mental health struggles, the flaws of the characters, the shittines of life itself, the absolute NEED for honest and understanding communication in ANY kind of relationship, and the inmense impact a friendship can have in our lives, as well as our own strength, determination.

I really don't know if this ended up making any sense, but yeah, thank you for your hard and amazing work, you're a great writer fr, please take care of yourself and have an awesome day <3 <3 <3 <3

🥺 asks like this with such detailed feedback is just..like an actual live letter you guys

thank you SO so so so much, i know i sound like a broke record at this point but there's just not enough words of gratitude could use to show you just how much i appreciate this and you. thank you for taking the time out of your day to send me this and for being so kind, sweet and enthusiastic about it.

asks like theye give me a glimpse of my work from your POV and it never fails to make me so excited and happy and just so so so excited, i hope you know this is everything to me. im so happy to know just how much you've enjoyed reading it and all the characters too so rhank yoj for all of this, i love you so much 🥺🥺🥺🥺🤍☁️💫

#; mailbox 📬#; cold hearts

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missmeinyourbones · 2 years

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megumi headcannons im begging you please im starving out here

showers once a day (atleast, sometimes more if he’s training or has a long day). i think he’s a little clean snob fr. has a decent shower routine too, like separate shampoos and conditioners, a nice body wash w exfoliating beads incorporated into it. i know this mf is SOFT and smells DIVINE

his anxiety manifests as order, structure. he needs to have a plan for everything. even something as simple as spending the day in the city, he has an itinerary for ur date. he struggles with being spontaneous so if something goes wrong and his plans get messed up, he's angry at himself??? baby it’s ok you cant control the weather

he journals <3333 he feels like he isn't great with his words, especially when he's put on the spot in the heat of the moment. so he started journaling just to get his thoughts out on paper, but it eventually turned into him practicing organizing his speech. he likes how he cant mumble or stutter on paper. he can erase a word if he doesn't like it and replace it with a new one. he thinks its a good way to perfect exactly what he wants his words to convey (especially if they are words to you)

he is a little nature boy!!! he really likes outdoorsy stuff--he LOVES flowers. he loves surprise you with a nice bouquet and picks out specific flowers based on what they represent like how baby’s breath represents everlasting love and how orchids represent gracefulness ;(((( he doesn’t tell you what they mean when he gives them to you, he likes to think of it as a silent and secret way for him to express his gratitude to you. MEGUMI MY #BELOVED

going off of that, he LOVES receiving flowers from you as well, especially if you pick up on the meaning behind them and start doing the same thing lol. the first time you get him a bouquet, i know his little cold ass heart gets them dehydrated and pressed. he puts them in a frame and keeps it in the bottom of his bedside drawer. its his favorite thing ever. one day he finally gets the courage to place it on top of his bedside drawer and he completely reboots when you ask if those are the flowers you gave him LMFAOOOOO

he really enjoys hozier’s music. i think he likes the overall vibe of his melodies and instrumentals, but he adores how his lyrics are like poetry (again, this goes back to me pushing the megumi thinks he’s bad with words agenda)

refuses to doggy-ear his books when reading them. in fact, he collects bookmarks for this specific reason. he has so many of them so when he reads multiple books at once, he can use a book mark and not fold the pages. HATES when a page has a permanent crease from where you tried to keep ur place :/

his favorite season is autumn. he likes how its a little chilly, but not freezing. he likes the colors of the trees when they change. likes to wear hoodies and sweaters

eats his foods in a specific order (??) like if he has multiple foods on his plate, he doesnt eat a bite of everything as he goes. he finishes a specific portion or side and then moves on to the next. he’s such a little freak

he is just a picky little emo boy :/ he pretends to be so aloof and cold and serious but he has such a sweet soul, he just needs a lil more confidence in his intentions and opinions. i love you, m. fushiguro

#jjk headcanons #megumi headcanons #megumi fushiguro #fushiguro megumi #megumi fushiguro headcanons #megumi x reader #megumi fushiguro x reader

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writing-on-the-wahl · 3 years

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Okay, this one’s been done already by other blogs and I understand that not every writer wants to do the same prompt as another so if you’re not comfortable with this then absolutely stay in your comfy zone. I just think it’s fun to see different interpretations

But basically, Civilian is unknowingly dating Villain (as in, Civilian doesn’t know that villain is a criminal), and Villain is introduced to Civilian’s brother, Hero. Hero is terrified that Villain is going to hurt Civilian the entire time, but Villain just keeps on showing lots of sweet affection to Civilian (Hero and Villain recognize each other but Civilian is clueless of both their “jobs”). It’s up to you whether or not Villain actually loves Civilian or is just taunting/threatening Hero :)

Wow that was long my bad

Sorry this took me like twelve years to get to... @glowing-alpaca it won’t let me tag you... idk why🤷🏽‍♀️

Ok yes I’ve seen a few of these, so I took the general principle and made it Civilian’s POV eehehehe

hope you enjoy:)

*special thanks to @im-a-wonderling and @watercolorfreckles for the beta reads and all your amazing help on this one!!*

———————————————

Civilian shifted from foot to foot, rubbing her left wrist as she tried to focus on the conversation swirling around her. Her limbs felt lead-heavy and numb, deadweights that she wasn’t sure what to do with.

She clasped her hands together in front of her, then let them hang by her sides. Then clasped them in front of her again.

Her breathing felt loud in her ears, and a few of the patrons glanced in her direction. Could they hear her breathing?

Her eyes darted to the entrance for the hundredth time. Her brother was late. Hero had promised to be here early—he knew how she felt about crowds. And since he was the one who insisted her first art show be public, he’d reassured her he’d stay by her side the whole time.

The show had started over an hour ago.

“Well, Civilian?”

Her eyes snapped away from the door and back to the circle of patrons around her. Her stomach sloshed cold. They were all looking at her, their stares burning holes.

“Sorry? What was that?” Her stomach continued to twist and writhe. Now they all knew she’d been distracted.

Did they think she was ignoring them? Had she been rude?

She’d only glanced at the door for a moment…

An older man shook his head as his companion repeated her question about her choice to use different mediums to portray the same image.

She answered the best she could, gesturing to the wall beside her, which was filled with a dozen paintings and drawings of the cityscape—some created with ink, other with oil, acrylic, watercolor, or charcoal—she’d used them all.

She rubbed her wrist again as she tried to explain how she’d used the different mediums.

A few in the circle nodded their heads, but her heart was pounding and doubt nagged at her as she spoke. Was she talking too much? Not enough? Was what she was saying stupid?

She stumbled over her words, unease crawling beneath her skin.

She looked down, unable to complete her thought.

“I think it’s a marvelous technique.”

Hero looked up sharply as the deep voice continued, covering the awkward pause she’d created.

“...to get to look at a wall full of paintings, all capturing the same image but each conveying a different mood or emotion.”

Her rescuer was sharply dressed: his dark hair carefully styled, his suit perfectly tailored, and his gold watch designer. Combined with his confident posture, his appearance practically screamed “lawyer,” same as her brother. But while Hero was a public defense attorney, crusading against a flawed system, the man in front of her was probably what Hero would call a ‘leech,’ a rich defense lawyer catering to the criminal elite.

And while Civilian sympathized with Hero’s cause, she also had enough experience as a starving artist to appreciate the luxury of not having to worry about how much money she had to spend at the grocery store.

Plus, he’d been so kind to save her; how bad could he be?

Her rescuer was still speaking, his smooth words and confident tone confirming his profession.

“... the kind of art that needs to be seen and studied to be appreciated.”

At his hint, the crowd began to drift towards the gallery walls.

Her rescuer met her gaze through the crowd, and she offered him a small smile of gratitude as the people around her shifted away.

She turned towards the wall of cityscape paintings, breathing a sigh of relief before stopping to analyze one of the city in the rain. She eyed the brushstrokes, mentally smoothing a line here, adding a shadow there. She shook her head and turned away. Now was not the time.

But her rather abrupt turn sent her careening into a wall-like something that wasn’t a wall, but a certain tall lawyer in a thousand-dollar Armani suit. She jerked back, horrified at her lack of grace, but tripped on her blasted heels. Hands at her waist stopped her fall, long fingers tightening around her as she regained her balance. When she was finally steady, his hands slid away.

“Thanks.” Civilian forced herself to look up into the face of the man who had now rescued her twice, rather than looking around like she wanted to to check who else had noticed her embarrassing almost-fall.

He was smiling warmly, and for the first time all night, her heart wasn’t pounding at the thought of speaking with a stranger.

“I’m sorry for running into you.” She felt breathless, but it must have been from her almost-fall.

He waved her off. “I shouldn’t have been standing so close. I just wanted to compliment the way you’ve captured my favorite view of the city.” He gestured to the painting she’d just been critiquing.

“I painted it at the top of the—“

“Capitol building, yes I go there often.”

“Because you work there often?” Civilian flushed as she spoke across him, but her heart steadied as he didn’t seem to mind. His smile widened, and he leaned closer.

“What gave me away?” His voice was deep, and he looked at her as though they were sharing a secret.

Her cheeks grew warmer, and she looked away, heart racing for an entirely different reason.

“My brother is a lawyer, so I usually can just tell. He was supposed to be here actually…” a frown came to her face as she remembered her brother’s promise.

She shook herself out of her reverie. Her rescuer was looking at her warmly.

“I’m sorry! You rescued me back there, and I don’t even know your name…” She looked at him expectantly, and he offered a bright smile that made her stomach flutter.

“I’m Villain. Pleased to meet you.” His voice was practically a purr, sending tingles across her skin as he took her hand, gently raising it to his lips. She looked down as her cheeks heated at the old fashioned gesture.

“I’m Civilian,” she said as he released her hand, returning his bright smile with a shy one of her own. “Although you probably already knew that since my name is on the program...”

He nodded. “I have to say, I’m quite impressed by your—”

“Civilian!”

A blur in a tan suit darted around Villain and grabbed her arm, pulling her back.

“Hero, what?—” Her brother was a mess. His suit was wrinkled, tie coming undone, hair mussed.

He continued to pull her back, eyes on Villain. “Civilian I need to talk to you—it’s urgent!”

She glanced back at Villain as Hero tugged her away.

“Sorry!” She mouthed.

He just shook his head, an amused smile on his face, before mouthing something that looked suspiciously like, “I’ll see you later.”

Her heart warmed, and she was still grinning when Hero pulled her around the corner and flipped her around to face him.

“What are you—”

“Do you have any idea who that is?” Hero’s fingers gripped her shoulders. “What he is?”

“He said his name was Villain? And so what that he’s a lawyer, Hero. I don’t get why you are freaking out!”

Hero’s hands shook her shoulders. “He’s not just a lawyer, he—”

Civilian wrenched free and shoved Hero’s chest. “He what? Actually helped me? When YOU failed to show up like you promised.” Her last words slid into a growl.

Hero had the decency to look ashamed for a brief moment before his face hardened. He lifted a hand, gesturing with one arm back towards where they’d left Villain. “His people are the reason that I’m late!”

Anger sparked in her chest, and she rolled her eyes. “Sure,” she scoffed, “blame some random lawyer for your broken promise. That’s a pitiful excuse, Hero, even for you.”

She shoved past him, heading back into the gallery.

“Wait, Sis!” He grabbed her arm. She shook him off and stalked away.

But when she returned to the main room, Villain was gone.

#artist civilian #smooth villain #protective hero #villain x civilian #hero x villain #heroes and villains #my writing #snippet #write #writeblr #hero #villain

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miekasa · 3 years

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the pre-pancetta snippet: early december, 3 months before the world went to shit

💉levi gets sick [levi grumbles in the background]

it was the pre-pandemic flu season. levi caught it at work and just his luck, it was pretty bad for him. but healthcare is expensive, capitalism sucks, so he wore a mask and still went to work the next day, thinking bedrest during the weekend would be enough. erwin kindly dropped off some sports drinks while hange gave him a new bag of black tea leaves. oc comes home to find him almost asleep at the table while waiting for water to boil for his tea and her senses tingle. she just knows. levi is pretty out of it by then, very pissed, feeling like shit, but still thinking about the slack he has to pick up at work. oc is very concerned because he looks awful. she bugs him and asks him if he’s okay with her checking him up. he is about to tell her to piss off but what the hell, lucky his roomie’s a doctor and he’ll take free healthcare when he can. so he nods once in dramatic brooding levi fashion.

her hands are cool on his forehead and neck, it feels so good, and levi is really trying not to accidentally moan out loud. when she brings out her stethoscope and asks him to take deep breaths, his focus is on her hand absentmindedly rubbing his shoulder [levi thoughts: he’s really out of it if this is all he can focus on]. oc’s brow furrows when she finds out he’s had only one cup of tea for the entire day and only one meal the day before. he says he’s brewing more, but oc is not having it! she heats up some leftover soup she has and makes him eat before handing him a tylenol. levi feels unsteady and weak but he’s trying to keep up the i’m-fine-it’s-just-the-flu facade. oc sees right through it and tails him to his room.

she helps him to bed, all while saying he’ll need meds for the virus and he needs to eat and drink more fluids because he’ll need an IV drip if not. even if it’s just the flu, he got a pretty bad case. levi strips off his shirt before he drops onto his pillows, grumpy and dismissive, telling her to just leave the prescription. he can handle it. oc snorts before leaving him alone (for now)

levi wakes up to rustling sounds and finds oc by his bedside setting up some stuff. his head is pounding, entire body is aching, and his cough is killing his throat. he’s very grumpy and is about to tell oc to just let him be but he gets a coughing fit. oc rubs his back while checking his vitals, her voice soft with worry as she asks him how he is feeling. he says he went to the bathroom but that’s it. he doesn’t see oc frown, but he’s more than annoyed that he is disturbed when she digs him out of the blankets. she helps him sit up, propping him on his pillows, and she makes him eat more soup, drink some tea, and take his meds. his throat is cooling and he realizes belatedly that she made him strong mint tea. he’s just swallowing whatever so he can go back to sleep [levi is trying very hard not to vocalize his disappointment whenever her hands leave him]. oc sighs at the little care her patient has for himself, but she tells him that he needs a drip at this point. she’s not satisfied with how little he’s been eating and drinking. levi is ready to throw hands because he refuses to spend thousands of dollars for 2 hours at the emergency room and get scammed by health insurance just so they can give him IV fluids, but oc surprises him by saying she’s all set up, and if he’s okay with it, she can do it here.

he shrugs and holds out his hand. the skin of her hands are a little rough with a few calluses, her touch so light and sure. the needle pinches but the pain dulls after a few seconds. he watches oc taping up the line and securing his hand to some makeshift splint so it doesn’t move around much. oc hangs up the bottle on the hanger she installed on the wall lamp by his bed before heading out. levi tries to fall back into sleep again. suddenly, he feels a damp cool cloth brush his forehead and his face while another hand runs through his hair gently. he’s groggy and he squirms because what. he hears oc shushing him, saying something about sponge baths for fever, and he’s just so not used to tenderness and care, and she’s sponging down his neck and his chest, running over his arms, turning him on his side gently so she doesn’t jostle him into wakefulness. her hands are firm and gentle as they wipe down his back and it’s cool and soothing and so good over his heated skin. he falls asleep in minutes. this never happens.

he thinks oc drops in once more in the middle of the night because he remembers someone holding him up to take something. when he wakes up the next morning, his fever is gone and he feels like himself again. he sees an empty bottle on his bedside table which means oc must have changed his drip too. the one he’s hooked to is almost gone. he’s in the middle of answering a work email on his phone when oc, already dressed for work, pops in to check on him. she has a tray in hand, looking genuinely relieved and happy that he’s better. his knows his appetite is back because the smell immediately makes his mouth water. he is very hungry after 3 days of soup and tea. she made really good pancakes, fried bacon to a perfect crisp, and the scrambled eggs are savory and creamy. it’s killing him. he can forgive the tea bag from a packet. levi is still a tea snob. oc is cheery, chirping that he’s good to go without a drip as long as he keeps up his food and fluids.

oc: water, tea, or pocari sweat, levi! none of the sugary sports drinks erwin left you, that stuff is a scam.

levi: i don’t have pocari—

oc: i bought you some, they’re in the drinks cupboard!

levi: why—

oc: it’s not just sugar, it has the electrolytes you need!!

she unhooks the IV and takes out his line, lays out his medication regimen and tells him to please call her if he starts feeling bad again. levi rolls his eyes and bats her concern away, grumbling that he’s fine and well enough, but he’s listening to every word she says. he utters a small thank you because how on earth does he convey his immense gratitude in words, he is not used to words!!! his cheeks feel very warm. oc giggles and ruffles his hair. she understands her roomie’s not talkative, but his soft gaze betrays everything beneath his gruff exterior. his shyness is adorable even if he was a grumpy old man while sick. oc thinks that her theory of him being 89 years old deep inside might be right after all. she sternly tells him to rest and lay off strenuous activities until he’s really recovered.

oc: rest. no cleaning today.

levi: my room—

oc: no. cleaning. today.

and just like that, she’s off to work [levi thoughts: wtf she works on sundays?]. all that levi can think of for three days, or more like since that day, are her gentle, comforting touches, her kind smiles, and how pretty she is. he tries, he really tries to push back the thoughts and bury the memories, but all efforts become in vain for him the next week.

he’s reading on the couch and relaxing for the night when oc comes out of her room looking like a fucking goddess. she’s in a deep green dress of flowing silk with thigh-high slit, sporting a dark, vibrant red lip, complaining of some recognition ceremony she has to attend for one of her bosses at work. she pouts while slipping on pumps that make her legs look even more stunning. levi is aware that he is staring and has tuned out her voice, so he forces himself out of it. he remembers basic conversation etiquette and lamely asks about the party. oc says it’s a black-tie-long-gown thing that’s a waste of her time. she twists her hair up in a messy bun and puts on earrings, grumbling that this is the most formal she’ll go. levi is mildly amused when she says she’ll nick a bottle of good champagne and some desserts before she escapes the party in an hour. tops.

levi: what if you get caught?

oc: they can spare one bottle and a few cupcakes

levi: and what reason have you come up with if they start interrogating you?

oc: my roommate is sad and a stress-eat is essential after shitty weeks of being underpaid laborers *cheeky smile*

he rolls his eyes. when she steps out their door (her uber’s there), levi counts to ten before groaning very loudly to let his frustrations out.

but she really did steal and bring home the good stuff, squealing in excitement when she sees that he was still up. he actually waited for her to get home but she doesn’t need to know that. they shared fruit tarts and fancy mini-cakes and worked through the bottle of champagne while bonding over their mutual disdain for assholes at work. conversation was open and easy, and levi cannot remember when he has been this comfortable around others who weren’t old friends of his. he was in an old shirt and jogger shorts. oc was still in her dress, barefoot, lipstick still perfect and bun still messy, picking a strawberry off the last cake while laughing at his dry jab about her boss. and jesus christ, she was exquisite.

at this point, denial begins to trickle in, but levi doesn’t know that yet. it’s just the champagne, right?

end. this was so mf long, i’m so sorry 😭 anyway this is insanely self-indulgent, and this is me coping with the pandemic (and with SnK ending today)

AHHHHHHH I LOVE ALL OF THIS ANON!!! SO MUCH!!!! PLEASE THIS HIT ALL THE MARKS!! Levi being reluctant to having someone take care of him, oc picking up on him not feeling well even though he’s not really showing it, and eventually just giving him the care and attention he needs (without suffocating him because you know he would be grumpy about that). I love this wow, seriously.

AND THE END!! When they’re drinking together and he’s feeling better, you know damn well he didn’t even want her to leave in the first place, and IM SO GLAD HE’S FINALLY REALIZING!! Levi, my beloved, you are in love it is not the champagne 😌😌

#💉 anon #you're so lovely my dear thank you so much for sharing #i kept this for a while just to reread it i love it so much!!#levi.ask #minicanons

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drfitzmonster · 5 years

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hey thank you for your reply and taking the time to answer my asks. it really does mean a lot and i feel like a broken record for saying that and i wish i had better words to convey how much it actually means but i guess rn i dont beyond my silent emphatic gratitude. im not on anon because im trying to be, i dont have a tumblr set up and im kind of afraid to make one but like maybe ill give it a try and if i do, youll be the first person i add and message 1/2

you’re not a jerk and you’re not rude

if i didn’t want people sending me anonymous asks i wouldn’t have it turned on

so please don’t feel bad about that

and also, i did not mean to put any pressure on you to join tumblr

it’s ok if you’re not comfortable with it

we can keep communicating this way, which is totally fine with me

i’m going to finish up the third chapter and post it on ao3 fairly soon

so you’ll be able to read it whether or not you decide to join tumblr

also, for the record, sending me asks (especially about heavy stuff), even anonymously, is a very brave thing to do

you are allowing yourself to be vulnerable, and that take a great deal of courage

you should be proud of yourself for that

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aroworlds · 6 years

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hello! i hope you don’t mind a q: ive id’d as aro for so long id rather talk to a community than a q&a blog. basically, ive been in a qpr for about 6mo with a rly lovely person. im happy and were communicating a lot, but im finding that as the initial stronger “honeymoon” feelings settle down, im becoming more confused abt how love feels or what im “supposed” to be feeling in a qpr. do you have insight? also idm if you toss this to other followers instead of using spoons to respond personally

Oh, anon, I understand that, so no worries. I don’t follow any 101/ask-styleblogs for any of my identities because so many conversations are on alevel of identity exploration no longer relevant to me.

I will say that I am not the world’s most experienced person when it comesto relationships, so I encourage folks who feel that they relate to your wordsto comment away, because your personal experience is much more important thanmy rambling. (And thanks for being such a dear about my spoons!)

I will also say, more for other people reading this post than for you, anon,that I consider thispost by @aroacepagans and thispost by @aphobephobe essential reading on the subject of queerplatonicrelationships, especially in terms of exploring what QPRs are and how theyfunction as a response to amatonormativity. These posts convey a note of “QPRsdescribe non-amatonormative relationships that fit the needs of theparticipants as opposed to the amatonormative mold of participants shaped tofit the relationship” that form the backbone of how I understand a QPR.

Anon, I am wary of words like “should” and “supposed”.

They’re words I tend to say unthinkingly: I should feel this, I shouldn’twant this, I’m supposed to do this more easily, I’m supposed tounderstand, I’m not supposed to be confused. They’re words that compareourselves to an illusion of experience and leave us wanting, and the goodpsychologists I’ve worked with made interrupting noises every time I spokethem. Yes, Western society has a raft of rules about how to be human that itexpects me to live up to, but are those rules right and fair? Do theyacknowledge my limitations and struggles and differences, or do they make me feel bad about being shoved in a box that doesn’t fit me? Is there anything about the litany of shouldand supposed that allows us to regard ourselves, as we truly are, withkindness and compassion?

Are we truly supposed to feel anything? Or is it kinder to let go ofthe idea that we are supposed to feel in any specific way, to giveourselves space to feel as we do?

What is love, then? What does it feel like? Whatever love is or howmuch it matters, no two people are going to have the same answer orunderstanding on how it works, what it feels like to experience and howimportant it is to possess it or understand it. I find love to be anebulous concept at best, and I don’t use it as a basis for defining how I careabout other people. I come across as that heartless aro autistic byalloromantic and allistic norms because I cannot perform socially-centred love, but I find peace in centring things I better understand, likegratitude, connection and compassion. Other people will feel differently ofcourse, but I think it proves that there is no universal understanding of whatlove is, its importance or the ways in which it operates and is expressed (justas there’s no true universalunderstanding of what romance is or how it operates).

If love is an individualised experience, even though society pushes theillusion it isn’t, is there any way to determine what it’s “supposed” to feellike or when I’m “supposed” to feel it, even if/when it’s non-romantic?

The aro-spec community looked at the amatonormative mould of romanticattraction and love as universal, said no, that doesn’t work for us, andthen developed a relationship model that ignores it. For this reason, as weknow what it means to be erased by a model that doesn’t serve us, it seems tome that determining how we’re supposed to feel love in a QPR undermines thespirit of naming QPRs in the first place.

I will push for QPRs to be individualistic at heart, defined by the peoplewithin them, with limitless possibilities for what their love/connection looks like andhow relevant love/connection is to those involved. If you are in a QPR, anon? If you andyour partner are content? Then your love is enough, and your love is right forthat QPR, and there is no need for a map of supposed to shove you onto apre-existing road. You can build your own, designed for the relationship you’rein.

Unlike a romantic relationship, that’s a scary thing: there’s no outline ofprogression, no map to follow, no pre-marked stops on the route ahead of you,fewer folks who can advise you. There’s fewer narratives on what a QPR maylook like long-term, where you might end up, or what this relationship mightbecome under stress or tension—or how to keep a QPR together under thoseforces. I have a feeling, anon, that this is from where your ask may be coming,and that’s a weight all aro-specs bear in varying ways, this sense that we’rewalking paths nobody has travelled before us. You’re not alone in it, andyou’re right to struggle with it (I know I do!) but I don’t think there’s anyanswer for you in my positing what your love or any other feelings in a QPR is “supposed” to be.

(I’d love to see discussions about folks in longer-term QPRs and howthey deal with tensions and outside stresses on and within their relationship,especially for situations when romantic relationships serve as no usefulguideline or parallel. We need more mature conversations on QPRs that gowell beyond their inception and focus instead on the long-term building andthe sustaining of them under social and amatonormative pressures.)

If you’re concerned, anon, ask your partner. Talk about what it is you feel,ask what they feel. Talk about what love means to you and them, talk about whata QPR means to you and them, talk about the lack of social narrative to guideyou both and how that impacts you and them, talk about this feeling that youdon’t know what you’re “supposed” to feel in terms of love in a QPR, talkabout expectations and dreams and needs, talk. I'd be surprised if your partnerisn’t feeling some of this, too, and it’s so much easier to endure the pressureof “supposed” when you’ve got someone to share it with!

I don’t believe that there’s any kind of love or other feelings we’re “supposed” to feel in aQPR, and I’d never draw lines for you or anyone else on that point. All I cando is validate you in my belief that if your love or connection is accepted and valued by you and your partner, that’s all that matters.

#anon #ask #text #not media #QPR #queerplatonic #relationships #amatonormativity in relationships #long post #very long post #mod k.a.#personal #love #amatonormativity #discussion post

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disarmingly · 6 years

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Hello again, love!! it's been so long and I'm sorry. Im terrible at keeping up with things and I never seemed to be able to have the chance to reach you. I'm so sorry I disappeared I never meant to but I've been so tired. I hope you've been doing alright. The new year is here and this one is the most crucial academic wise. It's another real big challenging and unbelievably terrifying national exams. I can't help but feel like the last one I took was too soon and too long ago at the same time (1)

Its so ridiculously stressful and draining here in a country where academics are so packed and important and I feel so tired. So the new year began and I hope it's been doing you well. Doing you better. You deserve it. I've been aching so much lately in ways and I couldn't help but reread your stories and when I got to This Time Around I cried (2)

It's a beautiful story it really is. And all that about love and life and even more love gets me everytime. I want to believe. I don't know if all this terrible feelings on my end will end up reaching you somehow with these asks. I don't want it to. Weariness and aches and emptiness are terrible things and I never wish you to have them. I just want you to know that it's hard here and I'm so tired. But despite everything I want to believe and there's nothing more comforting than your stories (3)

Someone real great and awesome wrote you a thing!!! Im so happy and it was such a swell read too. I wish to do something like it for you too one day. I don't have a lot to give but just know that you're real sweet haku and your stories are my comfort stories. There's always more room for love in the world and im glad I got to find you. I'll probably disappear again but I'll come back. I'll always come back I think. (4)

Oh jesus all my thoughts are such messes i hope they went across proper. Have a good day love. And a happy new year. The worlds your oyster and time is just a malleable illusion. I hope you're doing good, doing better. No rush to reply, I understand too much what it's like to fall out of communication. You don't even have to if you wish so. All I want is for it to reach you. You give me strength and I can only hope I return the favour. Stay healthy! 💕splendid-anon

dear splendid anon, i’ve been pretty scarce in continued efforts to not burden people unnecessarily. i think it’s a harder thing ebcause i have TIME here even if only a moment and the danger of over sharing is that much greater for me, whereas w twitter i just type out something and then delete it before i even send it ^^;; ahh i’m sorry though. i wish i had a story for you now. i’ve been on the fading side. it’s very strange i still feel like i have so much i want to say. but maybe no way to say it. anyway. i wanted to at least convey my gratitude. it still is mind boggling to me that anyone reads my stories or even rereads them or gets anything out of them. especially This Time Around / Time and Again which is so close to my heart but doesn’t seem to have reached as many as i would like though that’s likely my fault for unpolished skill ^^;;; trying to encapsulate big ideas OTL......it means a lot to me that you reread it, that it made you feel things.....i mean, it’s the truest gift and for that i am lucky, and i tell myself this every day even though nothing has been mostly okay for a long time now. i appreciate these outreaches, these sharings of strengths you send even though you yourself are tired and worried and stressed. i only feel bad that i can’t do something proper to thank you. i really do only wish you the best always. and if any part of any string of words i ever put together might be useful to you, that’s a form of love to me, and i’m grateful for that too. thank you for always being so kind and so generous with that kindness. it’s more than i deserve. i’ll try to keep working to deserve it. i;m sorry im so scattered. take care always

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