#instead of later on like i initially assumed when i was reading it has been sooo funny

[michaeljoncarter]

honestly kinda wish they would've followed through with the whole bart/rose thing new titans set up instead of immediately dropping it. like that's such a bizarre character combo, i really can't even begin to picture wtf they would've looked like, which just makes me curious

but also just the fact that this was right after bart was introduced?? can you imagine a version of his already highly hectic early years where on top of everything else, he also somehow manages to get himself into a relationship with deathstroke's daughter. i feel like bart hatepage era wally would've done a flashpoint right then and there

#bart allen #rose wilson #finally properly reading the flash & realizing bart was in ntt so soon after his first appearance #instead of later on like i initially assumed when i was reading it has been sooo funny #alt yj98 where he's dating rose the whole time but doesn't mention it until like 20 issues in. tim's head pops like a popcorn kernel #like i am fully a lesbian rose truther but if it HAS to be het this would've been 20000x better than any of the dudes they put her w #also probably wouldn't have stopped johns from character assassinating her in tt03 #but maybe it wouldnt've have been SO bad if she'd been connected to a ch he actually seemed to like instead of just roy lol

[unseededtoast]

Take My Hand | Spencer Reid x F! Reader

Part Two to I Stayed There

Inspired by “Right Where You Left Me” by Taylor Swift

Summary: In which almost a decade later unlikely paths cross again, with little time to make big decisions. What once was broken can be mended, and the past can be forgiven. Frozen hearts can be reignited and destined souls can become one again. But only if given the chance.

Cross posted on Wattpad and AO3 and here is my masterlist!

wc: 10.3k

warnings: a lot of angst, pining, men begging on their knees, emotional turmoil

a/n: howdy folks, back at it again with part two. I want to thank everyone for the overwhelming support on part one, and I really hope part two lives up to your expectations. It got a little lengthy, but I hope you all enjoy it. And as always, thank you so very much for taking the time to read my stories, I appreciate each and every one of you.

"I knew if I told you that there was someone else that you wouldn't push the issue. I knew you loved me too much to interfere with my happiness. I used your own love against you and I am so sorry." He sniffles and pushes tears from his eyes.

His words feel like someone has punched you square in the stomach. Spencer had never found anyone else, he just wanted to protect you. He loved you too much to let you be harmed. Realizing his actions were done out of pure love, and not betrayal, a sob bubbles up from your chest.

Years upon years you had spent every night in envy of the other woman who was receiving Spencer's love. Months had been dedicated to wondering what you could've done differently to keep him from leaving. Countless weeks spent in agonizing misery, mourning and yearning for the love of your life.

Eight years, eleven months, and twenty-eight days. That's how much time has passed since Spencer had walked out, and every day that passes and another day is added to the count, his heart grows heavier.

Sure, he's able to get up in the mornings and do his job thoroughly, but the joy life once had has faded. He's become jaded, and everyone has noticed. They've all just accepted that it's who he is now. He no longer tries to go out of his way to inquire about his teammates and their lives, he stopped practicing his magic tricks when there was downtime. Instead, he keeps to himself for the most part. The only time the team really hears from him is when there's an active case.

The first year or so the team had given him some grace, they understood how badly the break up had affected him; they assumed he'd bounce back eventually, but more and more time passed with no indication of returning to his former self.

And after a while they stopped trying to set him up with dates, they quit teasing him about being disinterested in getting back out there. Spencer had never told them exactly what happened, but after they stopped, he suspected Derek filled in the blanks for them.

Truthfully, the rest of the team had taken pity on him; they understood all too well why he had initiated the breakup. But even with their knowledge and insight, they are still saddened by what Spencer has become, and they wish every day that his old personality will resurface. But until that day comes, if it ever does, they will remain supportive from a distance with which he is comfortable with.

"You ready for the next case?" Derek asks Spencer as he stirs the sugar into his coffee. Spencer stares at the rising steam before answering.

"Yeah, I'm ready." He replies and grabs the cup, following Derek to the briefing room where JJ and the rest are awaiting them.

Spencer takes his usual spot and listens to JJ explain the case. It's a local case, a wife gone missing in the middle of the day yesterday. From the photos, it looks like it could've been a burglary gone bad. Spencer zones out a little while JJ is explaining, instead focusing on his coffee, which he wishes he would've put more sugar into. After JJ has completed the brief, the team heads out to start working, and like usual, Spencer is tasked with the geographical profile.

Derek works alongside him under the order of Hotch while the rest go explore leads. The two of them work silently and efficiently, singling out places of interest to investigate and narrowing down a perimeter for officers to search.

"What do you think about it?" Derek breaks the silence, earning a sigh from Spencer. He steps away from the board and crosses his arms, studying what they have so far.

"I think it's weird that nothing of value was really missing, just the wife. You'd think if it were a burglary gone bad the unsub would've taken something else." Spencer's eyes dance across the crime scene photos, mind working a hundred miles a minute to make sense of this.

"Well maybe it wasn't a burglary." Derek says, eyes trained on a photo of the husband who reported his wife missing.

"Maybe not." Spencer agrees, and the two of them delve back into the work.

-----

You stir your tea around in your cup, settling on the couch for some morning television before you start your day. There's a laundry list of things you need to get done, only you lack the necessary motivation to get started on it all. Your hand finds the remote and turns the volume up, the woman on the screen piquing your interest and distracting you from your responsibilities.

"Mrs. Greene was reported missing late last night by her husband. At this time, her whereabouts are still unknown, and the authorities urge you to contact them if you have any information." The news reporter speaks with clarity and urgency. A photo of the missing woman pops onto the screen, but you don't recognize her. You hope they find her alive, but you know cases like this usually don't end well.

Thinking about what might have happened to the woman, your mind drifts to Spencer, and you wonder how he would approach the case. Would he immediately suspect the husband? Or would he hold off on judgment until he got the facts straight? Running your hand over his blanket, you wish he was here to talk about it.

Though it's been almost nine years at this point, there isn't a day that goes by that you don't think of him. You hope he's doing well, you hope he's found happiness. And at this point, you even think he might have a family of his own. But you try not to dwell on that thought too long, for it still makes you sick to your stomach to imagine him having a family with anyone other than you.

Of course, you could always ask Derek, but you think that a part of you would prefer not to know. Because if you don't know for sure, then there's always a chance that you're wrong. In order to stay functional you need the plausible deniability. While you want him to be happy, and you want him to live his life to the fullest, his absence is still very prominent and noticeable to you.

After you finish your tea, you place your cup on the white tablecloth adorning the dining room table, red stain having faded to pink from time and wear. And while the stain may fade, you know for a fact your memory about that morning will always be in your mind. And if the stain wasn't enough of a reminder, the scars on the bottoms of your feet are. It still hurts to step a certain way after all this time, the glass had embedded itself deeply into your skin, causing lasting damage.

Once you get ready for the day, you embark on the errands you have to run. A small part inside of you is excited about this new journey; it'll be like a fresh start and you think that's exactly what you need. You don't really want to move away, you love this city, but it houses memories that will forever hold you prisoner if you let them; and you've let them for the past nine years. The other part of you, the part that still clings to Spencer, is suffering and it makes this decision ten times harder. The guilt slowly, but surely, eats away at you with each step you take down the street but you try to convince yourself that this is the right move to be making.

Ignoring your emotional turmoil, you walk into the leasing agent's building and find her office easily, having already been here once last week to start the process of relisting the apartment. She welcomes you in and explains the paperwork as you sit across from her. The agent tells you where to sign and when you will need to be out of the apartment once you've submitted the paperwork. She said that since Spencer had taken his name off the lease years ago, that this process is a hundred times easier since there's no permission needed from him anymore. It's a bittersweet statement you realize.

You take the papers from the agent's office and tell her that you'll be back soon with everything signed. She had wanted you to fill everything out right there, but you couldn't bring yourself to do it. After all, this apartment holds so much sentimental value and the thought of it being someone else's makes your heart ache. You'll have to build yourself up to sign them, once you've fully convinced yourself that this is the right thing to do. And you know that once you sign those papers, the tiny part of Spencer you still have, will be yours no longer.

After the leasing agent's office, you take a trip to a moving company to get a quote on how much it would cost to move your things from Virginia to Colorado. The price they gave you was a little steeper than you had hoped for, but you thank them nonetheless and try to figure out how to foot that bill while also finding a new place to live. There are a few places in your sights, but you had yet to decide on one.

You return to your apartment after you had completed the last few errands on your list, dropping the stack of papers onto the dining table and unloading the groceries you had picked up on your way back home. The sun had started to set and so you turned on a few lamps and lit a candle, wanting to try to soothe your anxieties after today and have a relaxing evening.

A glass of wine finds its way into your hand after dinner, you kick your feet up on the coffee table and sip while staring at the screen in front of you. They're running another story on the missing woman, but it seems they have more details. Intrigued, you turn the volume up.

"Authorities are now saying that the scene looks like it could have been a robbery gone bad. Informants on the scene noted that there were signs of a struggle inside the residence. If you noticed any suspicious activity, contact the sheriff's office immediately." The reporter switches to a different story, and you change the channel, wanting to know more about the missing woman. And you know there's always one channel that seems to be ahead of the news.

The reporter is a fiery blonde-haired lady who makes her opinions well-known to the public. And you know her persona is probably partially to generate views and interest value, but you can't deny that she's able to get insider information quicker than the traditional news channels. Sure enough, the woman's face is on the center of the screen, and she's going on about Mrs. Greene's disappearance in a very animated manner.

"You're telling me that a husband reports his wife missing hours after he was aware of her absence? He knew that she was gone since at least the afternoon, and he didn't report it to police until almost the next day? Not only that, but there's been a disturbance in the house! From the photos I've seen so far, the ottoman in the living room was knocked over, the coffee table was shattered, and the dining room chairs were all sorts of disheveled. And to top it all off, I've got someone on the scene there, and they just told us that police are reporting a positive luminol test. There was blood on the scene that's been cleaned up. Now I'm no expert, but I think that certainly casts suspicion on Mr. Greene." Her voice drones on and on about her theory that Mr. Greene was most definitely involved in the disappearance of his wife, but something about the details is oddly familiar, you just can't quite put your finger on it.

You go to bed that night trying to recall why those details sound so familiar. Tossing and turning, you struggle to pinpoint where you've heard something like that before and it's beginning to drive you insane. The plots of movies and shows run through your mind, trying to piece things together, but to no avail. You eventually drift off to sleep, and for the first night in nine years, your dreams are full of something other than Spencer; your mind finally has something compelling enough to mull over to distract you from the cold, empty spot beside you.

The morning comes and your hand ghosts over the spot next to you, like it does every morning. You had hoped that by now your unconscious would understand that he's not here to hold close in the morning anymore, but you wake up the same way every day; full of sorrow and longing. With a sigh, you push yourself out of bed, the air feeling crisp against your skin. What you wouldn't give for five minutes of Spencer's warmth.

Your morning routine comes and goes, and you find yourself staring at a stack of cardboard boxes, waiting to be filled. Hands on your hips, you look around at everything that needs to be packed. Things are either coming with you, or they're being returned to their rightful owner. You still had no idea how you're going to get everything back to Spencer, but you figure you'll work it out when the time comes. For now, you'll start boxing things up.

With a box beside you, your heart constricts as you reach for a stack of Spencer's books to be put away indefinitely. The empty shelf is reflective of the emptiness in your soul, and you're not sure if it'll ever fill back in. Truthfully, you don't know what could possibly mend the brokenness as your heart only has one desire.

You pack up two bookcases before you're unable to handle it anymore. With each empty shelf the reality sets in more and more; he's not coming back here. Your Spencer isn't going to knock on the door and come back to you. You turn your head to look at the door, not sure what you're expecting, but your eyes land on his coat that still hangs from the rack. It lost its signature Spencer scent about three years ago, but you don't have it in you to take it down, not yet at least.

You're keenly aware that eventually you'll have to pack up the stained tablecloth, Spencer's clothes that remain in the dressers, his favorite blanket, and give them away forever, never to be seen or touched by you again. Then all you'll have left of him are the memories, and after all this time some of them have already faded entirely. You're no longer able to remember many of the small moments shared together, you can't recall how his lips felt against your forehead as he bid you goodbye in the mornings before work. You fear that in another nine years you won't remember anything except his name and the moment he walked out of the door.

You fold the top of the box down and slide it across the room to join the others. When you return to the shelf to assess what size box you need next, your eyes land on a very specific book. It's one you had recommended to Spencer. You told him it was a compelling story and though it's not a literary classic, he should give it a try and broaden his horizons. Of course, it took you a week to finish it and it took him a casual afternoon.

The details of the book flood your mind and you realize why the disappearance of Mrs. Greene seemed so familiar. Your hands open the book and flip through the pages, finding exactly what you were looking for. In a frenzy, your eyes scan over the words and they grow wide with realization. Either this is one of the biggest delusions you've convinced yourself of, or you might just be onto something.

You reread the words over and over again, wrestling with yourself about whether this is worthy of submitting a tip. From the perspective of an investigator, it may seem absolutely ridiculous. I mean after all, you're using a piece of fiction to explain a real-life situation. But a small voice in the back of your head reminds you of something Spencer had said several times,

"Sometimes what seems like an insignificant detail ends up cracking the case."

Youwrestle with what to do, placing the book on the coffee table and pacing around, the television providing low background noise as your mind goes through different reasonings. You stop pacing around once you see a familiar blonde-haired woman on the screen, her FBI credentials hanging from her blazer pocket.

Sitting on the edge of the couch, you turn the volume up and listen to her intently. She announces that the BAU is actively working the case and that they hope to find Mrs. Greene soon. She also implores the public for any information. Your phone on the dining room table seems to call your name, and before you can think through what you're doing, the phone is ringing.

"What's up sweet thing?" Derek's voice greets you through the phone. You trust that even if your speculation is wildly ridiculous that he won't make fun of you. You explain to him your theory but he cuts you off in the middle of your sentence.

"Come by the office in the morning and explain it to the team. It might just be something." He asks, and you sigh.

"Derek I don't-" You begin making your excuse of why you can't go to their office, but he cuts you off for a second time.

"He won't be there, just come on by." Before you can get another word in, he hangs the phone up. It seems you have no choice, really.

Anxiety blooms within you, you haven't been to the BAU office in a decade. And the last time you were there was under much better and happier circumstances. But if Derek promised Spencer wouldn't be there, you figure it's worth going if your theory can help find Mrs. Greene. You just hope that the others don't bring him up in any capacity; you don't think you could handle hearing how happy he is with her while you suffer every single day without him.

-----

Nine years. It's been nine years today since Spencer left you. He stares up at the ceiling when his eyes open in the morning, heavy with sleep. There's an uncomfortable emptiness within him, fueled by his thoughts of what today signifies. He's sure the only thing he'll be able to do is replay that fateful night over and over again in his mind today, he's not sure how he's going to stay focused on the case.

Eventually, he gets himself out of bed and begins his morning routine. He buttons his shirt, puts a tie on, and shrugs a sweater overtop. Spencer stares at himself in the mirror, his reflection showing him the grim reality that is the dark circles under his eyes and his unkempt hair. His eyes trail down to see that his tie is crooked, and his fingers fix it; but he can never fix it like you used to.

Breakfasts don't seem to be as tasty as the ones you made, heading off to work without a goodbye kiss gives him no ambition for the day, and there's nothing to look forward to after he's off the clock for you aren't eagerly awaiting his return with a smile on your face. In the nine years that have passed, the vibrant world has devolved into grayscale.

The clock on the wall tells him he still has two hours before he's supposed to be in. Derek told him to take a few hours this morning, he knows how hard today was bound to be for Spencer, and he was right. But Spencer is restless, he knows if he stays in this apartment for another hour and a half that he's going to let his mind take him to sorrowful places; and that's sure to affect the team dynamic.

After three years, Derek had confronted Spencer. He said that while he understands the pain, that Spencer can't let it affect his job performance. And that if he did, there's a chance he'd have to be let go. So after that day, Spencer made an effort to keep up his appearances and performance. He couldn't bear to lose you and the job. If he lost the job then it means he left you for nothing. It had to be for something, for something good and meaningful.

Spencer ties his shoelaces and finds his messenger bag, slinging it over his shoulder. The team isn't expecting him for a while, but he's got nothing better to do and he doesn't want to be left alone with his thoughts any longer than he has to. And surely the team won't mind him coming in sooner than scheduled, besides there's just something about this case that seems so oddly familiar to him.

-----

The elevator door dings and you find yourself in front of familiar doors, the FBI logo cleanly shining on the glass doors into the BAU's office space. Readjusting the bag on your shoulder, you go to open the doors to find lots of agents buzzing about, carrying folders and talking to others. You're really just looking for one agent in particular, but you can't seem to find him. Feeling anxious about being here, you contemplate just turning around and going back home. As you go to make your quick escape, you hear Derek's voice behind you.

"There she is!" He says and you swear you can hear the smile on his face. His arm wraps around your shoulders, bringing you in for a brief hug. So much for your escape plan. You plaster the best smile that you can manage on your face and return his hug, his embrace is familiar and warm.

"Here I am." You say, nerves twisting your stomach around. Derek leads you through the craziness of the bullpen into a smaller room, where people are already waiting. You recognize the blonde from the TV, and you remember Garcia and Hotch, but you don't know who the dark haired lady is, nor the older man. But you're thankful that there's one missing agent from the table. Feeling like you're under heavy scrutiny, you give everyone a polite smile and wait for Derek to take the lead like you know he will.

After a few moments of silence, Derek claps his hands together to gain everyone's attention and then introduces you to the team. Once again, you give your politest smile and listen to Derek explain why you're here. The team all looks to you with interest, and you pull the book from the bag on your shoulder.

"So, I know this may sound silly, but I couldn't help but notice all the similarities, just from what I've gathered from the news. If you look where I put the bookmarks, you'll see what I mean." You tell them in rushed words, anxious to see their reactions, expecting ridicule.

"Gone Girl, huh?" The older man Derek introduced as Rossi questions, leaning in closer to the book to read the marked pages. You nod, chewing on your bottom lip as their eyes scan the pages.

"It is oddly similar. The picture frames on the mantle, the ottoman, the blood in the kitchen. I wonder if there are more similarities that we just haven't noticed." The dark-haired woman, Emily, speaks up first. Her words of interest makes it feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders, they're not going to ridicule you after all. In fact, it seems like they may be entertaining the idea.

While you're engrossed in the team's blooming discussion about what this might mean, you hadn't heard the door to the room open, and you hadn't noticed who stepped through that door. No, your attention is solely on the lively debate about what the team's next step should be. Emily thinks that this might be a path worth pursuing, but Rossi urges her to keep an open mind. It's not until the discussion has died down, and the team all thanks you for coming in, do you turn to leave. Immediately your eyes land on his tall frame, standing right in the doorway.

Spencer is standing right in front of you.

It feels like the air has been kicked out of your lungs, your limbs feel like they've turned to jelly. The blood in your veins turns to ice and you're frozen to the floor. Ringing sounds off in your ears, unable to hear anything around you. The only thing you can focus on is his honeyed eyes staring right back into yours. It's like the rest of the world has dissolved, and he is the only thing that remains.

In his eyes you can see your Spencer, you remember so clearly the first time his eyes met yours, and how you were enamored from the very beginning. The first time you laid eyes on him you felt your heart race and you just knew you had to go up to him and say something, or else you'd regret it. You remember how soft spoken and polite he was, and how he stumbled over his words when he asked you on your first date. His hazel eyes dazzled under the warm lights that night and you knew you were hooked. His eyes hold so many precious memories, and they all flash right after another in your mind, even the memories that had faded with time come back.

Derek's hand on your elbow knocks you out of your trance and you realize then that the whole team is staring at the two of you, but you don't care. You come back to your senses and look over Spencer, taking note of how his hair is longer, curlier, and how his tie is still crooked. He's even grown out his facial hair a little. He looks so much like the Spencer you knew but nothing alike at the same time. This Spencer looks tired, worn down, and just plainly miserable. It deeply pains you to see him in such a condition.

He licks his lips and opens his mouth to say something, but he stays silent. You see his hands clench beside him and your face flushes with heat, your eyes begin to sting, and you feel like it's becoming harder to breathe.

"Come on, I'll walk you out." Derek says into your ear and he gently tugs you towards the door, where your eyes stay locked onto Spencer as you follow Derek. Spencer takes a step to the side to let you and Derek out of the room, and your arm just barely brushes against his, sending a tingling feeling throughout your body. You feel a tear drip down your cheek, and you swear you can see tears in his eyes too.

Derek gets you down to the parking lot where your car awaits you and he opens the door for you and helps you in. He can tell that you're going through something. You haven't said a word, you have a far away look in your eye, and you're crying without bothering to wipe away the tears. It's almost like you're in shock, and in a way, you are.

"He wasn't supposed to be here for another hour, I'm sorry. If I had known I would've just come over or something." Derek apologizes, but you shake your head, slowly coming back to reality.

"It's not your fault, Derek. Maybe this was the universe's way of letting me say goodbye, get some closure." You speak, voice hoarse. Derek's eyebrows furrow together,

"What do you mean?" He asks, not understanding what your words imply. He'll never admit it to you, but he's concerned about how you're going to handle this run-in. From experience, he knows that you're likely to spiral after this, and that's the last thing he wants for you. After all the progress you've made lately and your personality finally beginning to come back, he fears this may cause a relapse of sorts.

"I'm moving to Colorado." You tell him for the first time. His mouth falls agape in surprise.

-----

After Derek comes back into the office from seeing you out, he can tell that the atmosphere has changed in the room. Glances are being thrown Spencer's way, and Spencer looks more pale than usual, like he had just seen a ghost. He's lost in his own mind, oblivious to the looks everyone is giving him.

"Let's head to the scene one more time to see if this theory holds up. Morgan, Reid, you can meet us there." Hotch announces and stands from the table, the rest of the team following closely behind. Once everyone has dispersed, Derek sits across from Spencer.

"You okay?" He asks, not knowing where  Spencer is at mentally. His watery eyes glance from the tabletop to Derek, and he swallows hard.

"Today is the nine year anniversary of when I left." He says, and Derek's heart breaks for the two of you. Sure, it would've been hard on any given day for the two of you to see each other, but on a day with so much significance? It has to be gut wrenching. And to put the cherry on top, Derek knows the news he has to break to Spencer.

"Listen man. She told me something before she left and I think you should know." Derek's hand finds its way to Spencer's shoulder.

"What is it?" Spencer's mind is running through dozens of scenarios, trying to predict what you possibly could've said. Derek lips his lips and sighs,

"She told me she's moving to Colorado." Spencer feels as if the entire world has stopped spinning.

"What? When?" His voice is breathy and desperate. He has to know where you're going, when you're going, and why. He can't stand the thought of you being out there alone without being able to make sure you're okay. Derek's hand squeezes Spencer's shoulder, trying to comfort him.

"She said within the next few weeks, but she's got some loose ends to tie up here first." Spencer nods, understanding he still has some time to figure out how to approach this situation. He can't see anything clearly right now, for his mind is self-destructing from the thought of losing you for good.

"Maybe I can find a way to delay her trip somehow, or find out where she's going and set up some sort of periodic welfare check. Or maybe I set up a fake social media profile to follow her and make sure she's still okay." Spencer begins rattling off different ways he can make sure that you'll be okay if he can't be there. And he's well aware that his suggestions sound like borderline stalking, but he doesn't care, his love for you knows no boundaries and he would go to the ends of the Earth to make sure you're okay.

He needs to know that you are okay, no matter how many miles are put between the two of you. If he can't know that you're okay then he doesn't know what he's going to do; he even considers relocating to a field office out in Colorado just in case you need help.

"I've watched the two of you destroy yourselves over the past nine years. Neither of you have actually been able to recover, and you know it. She still thinks that you're with another woman. You're still in love with her, and now it's time to make your decision on whether you can let her go or not." Derek's voice speaks reason into Spencer's racing mind and he realizes that Derek is right. He's got a decision to make, and he has to make it soon.

-----

Rain patters against the window, providing some white noise for you while you tape the top of a box down. At this point, you've managed to pack up all of Spencer's books and every bookcase now sits barren. You swear the absence of his books causes the apartment to drop a few degrees, it feels empty and lifeless. You told the leasing agent that you would be by in the morning to drop off the paperwork, finally gaining the courage to sign them last night.

It had taken you about ten days after seeing Spencer before you could push yourself to sign them. A tiny part of you was still clinging to hope that he would come by. But he didn't. And he's not going to, you have to remind yourself. Constantly you have to remind yourself that you were able to see him one last time, and that's going to have to be enough closure, for it's all you're going to receive. But still, you can't help but feel the hole in your soul ache with desire for him.

Standing in the middle of an almost barren apartment, you're haunted by memories of happier days. You can remember the first time you and Spencer had walked through the front door, excited for your future together. Little by little, the two of you decorated and furnished the apartment to make it your own private haven where the two of you could seek refuge in each other.

Your hands find Spencer's blanket draped over the back of the couch, and you hold it close one last time, trying to commit the feeling to memory. It lost Spencer's scent long, long ago, but you still cherish it. After you've made peace with it, you fold it and place it in the bottom of a box, and go to the bedroom. Pulling out drawers of the dresser, Spencer's clothes are still neatly folded, just as he had left them. His clothes find their place on top of the blanket, and soon enough, the drawers are empty and more boxes are taped shut.

Evening comes around and you zip up a familiar dress, ready to spend one last night in a familiar restaurant. Today would've been your twelfth anniversary. Just like every year, you had made a very specific reservation, only this year will be the last. Applying mascara to your eyelashes, you give yourself one last look in the mirror. You can still see the young woman you once were in your reflection.

Your phone buzzing on the counter tears your gaze away from the mirror. You see that Derek is trying to call you, and so you pick up without a second thought.

"Hey sweet thing, what are you doing tonight? How about you come over and we have a farewell drink?" He offers and you smile at his generosity, knowing that any other day you would've taken him up on it.

"Sorry Derek, I can't tonight. I've got a reservation." You tell him, knowing that he will understand what you mean. He doesn't keep track of the days like you do, but he's familiar with your annual tradition.

"Okay, another night then, enjoy yourself." His voice is warm as he hangs up the phone. You're grateful that Derek has been a reliable friend throughout the years, and you know you're going to miss him when you move. Of course you'll make the effort to stay in contact, it just won't be the same as having him nearby.

The waitress shows you to your seat and you order the same wine you get every year. It doesn't matter if your tastes have changed, that's not the point. By now the rain is coming down harder, and you can't help but wonder if the Earth is mourning the end of things like you are. Your lipstick leaves faint marks around the rim of the glass and you stare at the empty chair in front of you.

Each year, you try your best to remember what it was like when Spencer was here, but each year your memory becomes more and more hazy on the details. Until one year you couldn't even remember what color tie he was wearing. Instead, all you can recall is the way he made you feel. You intend to drag this dinner out as long as you possibly can, knowing once you leave here that it's just one more piece of Spencer you've had to say farewell to for the final time.

There's a couple sitting at the table next to you, sharing smiles and clinking their glasses together. You try not to stare, but they remind you so much of who you used to be. The woman's eyes have a hopeful spark in them, hopelessly in love with the man who sits across from her who is obviously just as in love with her. When the waitress comes around to ask if you need anything else, you ask if you can pay for their tab.

An hour later, you're swirling around the remnants of wine in your glass. You had finished dinner and consumed enough wine for the night, so now you're just stalling. You can't yet pry yourself up from this spot, still clinging dearly to this part of Spencer you still have. Once you stand up, it'll make this reality all too real, and you can't face it quite yet. So you give yourself a few more minutes to mourn the way you need to and to make your peace here.

You hear the front door open, but your sights are set outside the window, watching the rain pelt the sidewalk. There's some sort of rushed conversation happening by the hostess' stand, but you can't make out the words, not that you're trying to anyways. The couple that you paid for gets up and leaves the restaurant, and that gains your attention. You offer them a weak smile as they giddily exit the restaurant; their happiness only emphasizes your sorrows.

Before you can turn back to resume watching the rain, someone stands in front of you. Your eyes trail up the person's body, only to find Spencer in front of you, hair wet from the rain, hands occupied with a bouquet of pastel-colored tulips. Your heart drops into your stomach and you have to blink a few times to make sure that he's actually real and standing right in front of you.

"Spencer." His name falls from your mouth effortlessly and breathily, shocked to see him here. He licks his lips and looks over you once before meeting your eyes, a familiar look within them.

-----

Spencer paces around his apartment, hair disheveled from raking nervous fingers through it. His mind has been consumed with nothing except for you since he saw you at the BAU. Derek's words keep repeating themselves in his head,

"She still thinks that you're with another woman...make your decision on whether you can let her go or not."

He knows his time is running out and yet he's conflicted as to what is the right thing to do. The logical and rational part of him is quick to remind himself that he left for a reason, for your safety. The photographs in the unsub's room flash before his eyes, vividly reminding him of what kind of danger his presence puts you in.

But the aching in his chest yearns for your touch, to hear your laugh. For years he's been able to make sure that you're taken care of from a distance. Some years he would anonymously send tulips to your apartment, and other times he would pay the leasing agent half of your rent so it would be one less thing for you to worry about. Of course, it had taken some convincing to ensure the agent would keep his donations a secret, and as far as he knows the agent kept good on the agreement.

Nervously, Spencer bites the skin around his nails, a battle of reason and emotion waging itself inside his mind. He turns to pace again, but this time his eyes catch a picture that sits on a side table. It's a small photo, taken in the early days of your relationship. Spencer picks up the picture that he's committed to memory, seeing the bright smile on your face, your eyes wrinkles at the sides from happiness, his lips pressed to your cheek and his arms around your waist.

His mind morphs his own body into another man. And now he's seeing that man's arms around your waist, another man's lips on your cheek, and it's almost enough to bring Spencer to his knees. Abandoning the photo, he moves quickly to put his shoes on with newfound purpose.

He's made his decision.

With rushed movements, Spencer makes his way to the florist he frequents for your flowers. It's a race against the clock, he only has five minutes to spare and he hopes that the florist is still there. The rain makes it hard to see the road, it slows traffic and the anxiety bubbles up in his chest.

With one minute to spare, Spencer enters the florist to see the sweet older lady packing up for the day. His entrance startles her, and she jumps.

"Spencer?" She questions, knowing he's not due back for another month at least. He nods his head frantically,

"Yes ma'am, sorry to come by like this but I'm hoping you can help me." He swallows hard, heart pounding in his chest from the adrenaline flowing in his veins. The woman sees his distraught demeanor and gives him a small smile. Of course she'll help him. After all, Spencer is one of her favorite customers; he always leaves her generous tips.

After fifteen minutes, the florist has constructed a beautiful arrangement with all of your favorite colors, tied up with a bow around the stems.

"Good luck." The florist gives him a knowing smile, and he thanks her before rushing over to your apartment. Spencer's fingers tap anxiously on the steering wheel and his chest heaves with nervousness.

He parks his car along the curb and hops out, practically running into the building. There's a small line for the elevators, and he doesn't have time for that. Not when a lifetime with you is at stake. He takes the stairs at record speed and takes a moment to compose himself once he stands at the door.

With a rush of courage, he knocks on the door and waits to hear your footsteps. But instead he's met with silence. He knocks again, a little harder this time and waits. He's met with silence again. Fearing the worst, he digs his phone out of his pocket and calls Derek, who answers on the third ring.

"Listen she isn't here. I'm at the apartment and she's gone. Did she leave already?" Spencer's voice cracks as he asks the dreaded question, but he needs to know. If Derek tells him that you've left, he won't hesitate to take the first flight to Colorado to find you.

"No, she didn't move yet. I called her earlier, she has a reservation. Remember the restaurant you two went to for your first date?" Spencer rushes out a thank you before hanging up, knowing exactly the restaurant. How could he forget?

You were wearing the most beautiful dress that complimented your body well, your hair was loose around your shoulders, and your eyes held the depths of your love. He knew from that exact moment that he would never find a love like yours again.

He parks and haphazardly shoves his keys into his pockets, instead taking care to handle your flowers with the utmost care. His heart thumps heavily in his chest with each step he takes towards the front door.

He runs a hand through his hair as he approaches the hostess stand, and his words come out very rushed. He asks if there's a woman here matching your description, but the hostess is hesitant to answer. He begs her to tell him, insisting that you'll be here waiting for him. The hostess glances between him and the flowers in his hand before nodding and pointing to where you are.

Spencer swallows hard and thanks her, eyes scanning the dimly lit restaurant for you. A couple laughing gains his attention and he can't help but look. And he's thankful he did, for you're sitting right across from them, a sad smile on your face and sorrow in your eyes.

His feet carry him over to you before he can process what he's doing. As if time moves in slow motion, he watches your eyes move up his body before landing on his face. Your eyes grow wide, your jaw goes slack.

He only hopes that you'll listen to what he has to say.

-----

"What are you doing here?" You ask, eyeballing the flowers in his hand; they're oddly reminiscent of the ones you receive on your doorstep every few months.

Of course, he's probably here to meet his girlfriend, or fiancée, or perhaps even wife. A mixture of nausea and confusion hit you like a brick wall but you try your best to maintain your composure while you feel like your insides are melting. Spencer takes a deep breath, his eyes never leaving yours and he finally speaks to you.

"Without you and your love, your touch, your warmth, life is entirely meaningless. Ever since I made the biggest mistake of my life, every day has been like walking through hell. There hasn't been a single day that's gone by that I didn't wish to have you back in my arms or to spend just one more evening with you. And I know this doesn't make up for any of it and I am undeserving of your forgiveness. But, I couldn't let you go without letting you know that I've never stopped loving you." His voice cracks with his confession, and a lone tear rolls down his cheek.

His words sends chills down your spine. What he said just doesn't make any sense. Hadn't he left for someone else? Or perhaps he did and he left her as well, or maybe they're still together and he's just doing this to break your heart one last time. You're conflicted with what you should be thinking and feeling. You had waited for this day for nine years, and now that it's here it doesn't make sense.

"But what about her?" You finally muster up the courage to ask, knowing very well that his answer could break your heart. Spencer shakes his head,

"There was never anyone else." His words sting. Had he left because he fell out of love? Or perhaps he grew bored of you and used a newfound love as an excuse for an easy departure.

The more he speaks, the less you understand. Your eyebrows draw close together in pure confusion, your head shakes and your eyes move from him to the flowers in his hand, another mystery about this situation.

"But you said that you had fallen in love with someone else." You point out, desperately needing some explanation to all of this. Spencer nods his head with a solemn expression.

Instead of answering, he digs some cash out of his pocket and throws it on the table before extending his hand to you, to help you from your seat. The gesture sends your heart soaring, having missed the simplest of touches from him. And no matter how confused you are, you've missed him too much to pass this up. He helps you out of the seat and guides you to the front door with a hand on the small of your back.

A familiar fire within you blooms, one that could only be ignited by Spencer's touch. And with just the slightest contact with him, you feel your frozen heart begin to warm.

Thankfully it appears the rain has stopped, for now at least. The two of you walk slowly beside one another towards the parking lot, something that was once so familiar seems so foreign now. After a few steps you hear Spencer suck in a breath,

"I owe you an explanation." His voice is even, but you can hear his apprehension. You swallow your nerves and agree, wanting to hear every last word he has to say.

-----

By the time you both arrive at the apartment, the sun has fully set and the wind carries a bitter chill with it, piercing through the fabric of your dress. The tension is palpable between the two of you on the elevator ride up, your arms brushing against each other with every little movement.

Your hands tremble as you unlock the door, nervous about being so close to him and what he may tell you. The two of you step through the door and for the first time you see how empty it is, boxes stacked on top of each other throughout the apartment.

Turning around, you watch as Spencer takes in the scene of what his former home now is. Guilt washes over you, but you stay quiet, unsure of what to say. Once he's taken in the apartment, his full attention turns back towards you, his eyes flickering between you and the flowers.

"These are for you." His voice is soft as he hands the flowers to you. You take them, fingers brushing against his as you do.

"Did you- were you the one sending me flowers?" You see the familiar color combinations and arrangement style as the ones you've received off and on for nine years. You had never expected Spencer was the one sending these to you, you had always assumed it was Derek trying to brighten your day. And you had always wondered how Derek knew what your favorite flowers were, but you chalked it up to his profiling skills.

A smile small appears on Spencer's face and he nods. Your heart swells with emotion as it hits you that maybe some of what he said is true, maybe he never has stopped loving you. Not prepared to face all of that just yet, you turn and find a vase to put the flowers in, thankful you hadn't packed them up yet and let them decorate the kitchen counter.

Silence washes over the two of you, but it's short lived as Spencer clears his throat and pulls out a chair at the dining room table. You join him and your blood runs cold as you realize you're sitting in the same places as that day he left. Spencer starts picking at the skin around his nails, opening and closing his mouth as if he can't find the words he's looking for. But you've waited nine years so what's a few more minutes?

"The case I came back from was one of the worst we've ever seen, even to this day." He starts and you nod, leaning forward to soak in every word.

"The unsub had printed out pictures of you hanging from his walls along with the rest of the team. He had a plan to torture each and every one of us, and he was going to use you to hurt me. He had plans to torture you to death." He continues, voice wavering towards the end. Your eyes are glued to Spencer's face as he speaks, never having heard the details of that last case. Derek would never tell you.

"Oh, Spencer." You whisper, wanting so desperately to reach out and comfort him but respecting that he might not want your touch. His eyes glance up to yours, and you see his jaw tense.

"I knew then that my job puts you in too much danger. It was clear that while you were with me that you could be a target for anyone who wanted to get back at us. I couldn't let that happen, I couldn't let someone hurt you because of me." Tears spill down his face and he bites his bottom lip to try and keep his composure. You feel your own lip start to quiver, but you hold it together.

"And I knew if I told you that there was someone else that you wouldn't push the issue. I knew you loved me too much to interfere with my happiness. I used your own love against you and I am so sorry." He sniffles and pushes tears from his eyes.

His words feel like someone has punched you square in the stomach. Spencer had never found anyone else, he just wanted to protect you. He loved you too much to let you be harmed. Realizing his actions were done out of pure love, and not betrayal, a sob bubbles up from your chest.

Years upon years you had spent every night in envy of the other woman who was receiving Spencer's love. Months had been dedicated to wondering what you could've done differently to keep him from leaving. Countless weeks spent in agonizing misery, mourning and yearning for the love of your life.

The two of you cry together, and while you want to be angry because he had lied, you only find yourself feeling overjoyed that he's back; that he wants you back and never fell in love with another. And now knowing that he was still showing his love for you by sending you flowers solidifies that what he's telling you is factual. You only wonder what else he's done that you're unaware of.

Spencer's love runs deep, that much you do know. You're keenly aware that if he went through the trouble of sending you flowers that he was also likely up to other things. But you're okay not knowing, as far as you're concerned, you're just happy he's here.

"I'm so sorry." He cries out again, moving out of his chair and getting on his knees in front of you. You wipe tears from your eyes so you can see him clearly, his glistening eyes beautifully reflecting the light as he envelopes your hands in his.

"I will spend every second of every day earning your love back if that's what it takes. I cannot bear to live this life without you any more, I will do whatever it takes. I love you with every fiber of my being, and I will love you for as many days as there are stars in the sky. As long as the sun rises in the morning and sets every night I will continue to love you. You're the one that completes my soul, you're the one who my heart beats for." Spencer pours his heart out to you as he grips your hands tightly and looks into the depths of your eyes. Your lip trembles as tears continue to stream down your face, unable to contain your overflowing love for the man who kneels in front of you.

Taking your hands back from his, your fingertips graze the soft skin of his cheeks. The familiar warmth brings a smile to your face, one that you never would have thought would come back. You hold the sides of his face, so that you can look at him, really look at him.

His parted lips are wet from tears, his face blushed from crying. Even while he cries on the floor in front of you, he's still the most beautiful man you've ever seen. Unable to hold yourself back, you bring his face to yours and your lips reunite.

It's like the two of you were made for each other, and feeling his lips on yours is like falling back into a familiar rhythm. Spencer stands from the floor and brings you up from your seat, one of his hands wrapping around your waist while the other holds your cheek, bringing you impossibly closer to him.

Your frozen heart warms with a heat long forgotten, and when your lungs burn for air, you pull away and rest your forehead against his. The two of you catch your breath, each unable to keep your hands off of one another. Your eyes meet and you can see the love he holds for you plainly.

This is your Spencer, and he finally came back home. After all these years he finally came back to the place where he left you, the place you had stayed.

-----

"Is that the last one?" You ask, placing books neatly on a shelf. It was a no-brainer that after Spencer came back that you weren't going to move. With him here, there's no place you'd rather be. And so after you had halted your plans, you and Spencer began repiecing your life together. 

Turns out, a lot happens in nine years and the two of you spend every moment possible catching up on lost time together. He tells you about some of the most memorable cases, and you tell him about how you made it through in one piece. You both agreed not to spare each other any details, and have agreed to work through whatever issues arise one step at a time and with honesty. And you made Spencer promise that no matter what happens at work, that the two of you will talk and plan together; there's no more running, except for towards each other.

"I think there's one more." He says, showing you the book in his hand before he slides it in the open spot on the shelf. It's the copy of Gone Girl that you had brought into the BAU. Spencer had told you that your theory ended up being right. They found Mrs. Greene as she was staging her alleged kidnapping getaway. And while it wasn't your favorite book, it has a special place in your heart now; without it there's a chance you and Spencer never would have crossed paths again.

You feel Spencer's hands wrap around your waist from behind as he comes back from the shelf, and he hugs you tightly against him, burying his head in the curve of your neck and gently kissing you. Showing affection at every given opportunity has been Spencer's modus operandi. After having lived so long without you, he never wants to stop touching you, or kissing you, or showing you love in any way that he can. 

Your eyes flutter shut, soaking in all the love he gives you, placing your hands atop of his and just letting yourself be held by him. Even the smallest moments are cherished now, for you understand their true value. 

"I love you." He whispers into your ear before letting you go, and a smile makes its way onto your face while your cheeks heat. Even after nine years he's still able to make you blush like a highschooler with a crush. 

"And I love you more." You say, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek before moving to pack up the empty boxes that are scattered everywhere. 

The two of you stand in the front doorway of your apartment, looking at how everything has come together. Spencer's books are back on their shelves, his blanket is draped over the back of the couch, his clothes back in the dresser, and he's right beside of you. Like it should have always been. Your eyes find one last thing to get rid of alongside the boxes. 

Walking over to the dining room table, you rip the stained tablecloth off and crumple it in your hands. This tablecloth holds too many bad, heartbreaking memories to keep it in the place where you two are rebuilding your lives together. Without a second thought, you toss the tablecloth into the trash and you're relieved. Only a short time ago you dreaded the thought of getting rid of it, but now you can't stand the thought of keeping it.

Now it's as if a new light and a fresh breath of life has been given to the apartment. For so long it was representative of all that you had lost, but now it shows you how much you've gained and how far you've come, both of you. Rays of bright sunshine filter in through the sheer curtains, and you take in a deep breath, soul full, content, and at peace. 

"We really did it." You breathe out quietly. 

"There's only one more thing I can think of that would really make this all come together." Spencer speaks up, and you scrunch your eyebrows together, not seeing anything that you two had forgotten. As you turn to him, you see him kneeling down in front of you on one knee, a small velvet box in his hand. 

Your mouth falls open as he opens the box, revealing the most perfect ring you've ever seen. Spencer has a wide smile on his face and a hopeful glint in his eyes.

"My life will never be complete without you by my side, there's nobody on this Earth that can even begin to compare. When I look inside my heart, I can only see you. May I have the honor to take your hand in marriage, will you make me the luckiest man in the world and marry me?" He asks and you nod your head enthusiastically before he can finish the question. Rushing up from the ground, Spencer envelopes you in a hug, lifting your feet off the ground and spinning you around. 

As your feet make contact with the ground again, he takes your hand and slides the ring onto your finger. It's a perfect fit. Tears of elation well up in your eyes, and you pull Spencer in for a kiss that's full of love, desire, and passion for him. You both smile into the kiss and only break away to confess your undying love for each other. 

"Spencer Reid, you are the love of my life." You say with tears of happiness rolling down your cheek, a wide smile on your face. 

"And future Mrs. Reid, you are the reason I wake up every morning, you are the breath in my lungs, and you are the love of my life." He brings you in for another kiss, and you know that you're going to spend every day for the rest of your lives together. No force of man, nor nature, can drive you apart for the love shared between you two runs deep, your souls intertwined with one another for the rest of eternity. 

Looking down at the shiny gemstone on your finger, you feel the once fragmented pieces of your heart tie themselves back together, the million pieces seemingly repairable after all. With a smile on your face, you can't wait to marry your soulmate and you're hopeful and grateful for the life you will share together. 

- -

Taglist: @spenciesprincess @reedmurdock

#spencer reid #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x reader #criminal minds #derek morgan #dr spencer reid #spencer reid angst #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid oneshot #taylor swift #taylor swift inspired

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

not sure if I've already requested this so sorry if I have haha,

but how would the m6 react to a mc with sh scars? if it's not too heavy of a topic for you, if it is, I completely understand that :)

The Arcana HCs: M6 when MC has SH scars

~ not too heavy at all, anon, I'd actually been hoping to write this at some point and your request gave me that excuse! to anyone else who relates a little too much: you're not alone, your pain is valid, and there is hope for you even when it doesn't feel like it - brainrot ~

CW for: references to scarring and self-harm. I can remember points in my life when this would have been triggering for me to read. If this would be triggering for you too, please prioritize your health.

Julian

He noticed early on that you'd get a strange look on your face when he mentioned being comfortable with experiencing pain, and he's been curious about why for some time

You generally found a way to hide them - whether with your clothes or in the low lighting - until after you defeated the Devil, which was when Julian was less distracted enough to notice more details

Like the unusual textures that appeared when your clothes shifted as you moved around your daily tasks, and how hellbent you seemed on immediately adjusting them

He waits to approach the subject until he knows you're both in a calm headspace, after the day is done as the two of you lounge in front of the fire with your dinner

He wants to hear your side of things, but the first thing he's going to ask is to let him look at them. He's a doctor, he loves you, and he wants to know the extent of the damage and how he can help your healing

Might cry a little, but hides it and refuses to make it about himself by pulling you into the biggest hug instead

It throws him into some serious self reflection, which leads to lots of late-night talks about self-destructive habits and how you two can best support each other in a way that's loving and not enabling

Will get a matching tattoo if you choose to cover them that way

Asra

The first time they saw them was right after your resurrection, and their heart sank right down into their feet

Here he felt like he'd just saved you, only to find that you'd not only woken up in a miserable state, but that the life you'd had before had been far more painful for you than he had been aware of

Which is when they became determined to give you such a good life and so much platonic love and support that the scars on your body would truly belong to a past life

The first time you asked him about why you had them, he said they were leftover from an old battle that you had fought very bravely. Going into any more detail only made your headaches worse

They did watch your behavior and mood closely, though, in case you started to fight that battle again. They never judged you for them or offered to smooth them over

After you defeated the Devil together, he told you the truth about them and what they meant, even though he didn't know the details of why you had them

It was also their chance to give you an apology for not noticing before you died, when they were still your friend and cared about you. They know it's not their fault, but the guilt was still there

He kisses them every morning and night

Nadia

She's heard vague stories from her family members about people who were in so much pain that they would self harm, but she'd never seen such a strong example in person

Which is why she initially assumed they were the result of some fierce battle or tragedy, and planned to ask you later

She first noticed them when she was fitting you for a new outfit, and saw how hesitant you were to let her look at them. Everything she's made for you since covers them completely

She finally asks about them several months into your relationship, expecting you to either not remember or to hear a moving story of conquering some fierce enemy or fighting for a loved one

To say that she doesn't expect your answer is an understatement. It surprises her so much that her only response is "oh," in an unusually small voice, before moving on to the next topic

She's able to process it the next time she's alone, when she's struck both by her awe at your capacity to fight something so dark and by her grief that you've been doing it without her all this time

Clears her next evening to have a private dinner with you, first so she can apologize for her initial response and second so she can invite you to tell her more about it and offer her support

Likes to dress you herself so you know you're not alone or unseen

Muriel

Knew exactly what they were as soon as he saw them, which was less than half a day into your travels South with Morga

And promptly refused to talk about it because he can relate to those dark impulses more than he'd like to and because he didn't see it as being any of his business. But he does start to watch you

He watches for any sign of pain, he watches how you fix your clothes, he watches how your gaze falls on any sharp object, because even if it isn't his business he cares more than he expects

He becomes less and less discreet about how closely he's observing you until you finally notice it one evening, how the firelight falls on your scars and how his eyes fixate on them

At this point the reciprocated staring is so awkward that he'll do anything to fix the tension, so he shuffles and mumbles something along the lines of "You can talk about it if you want to. I don't mind."

So you do, and he gets hit square in the chest with how much he's come to care about you over the course of the trip

He's especially frustrated because he empathizes so deeply, and since he doesn't know how to fix himself, he's worried he'll only mess you up further

In the end, he learns to apply the kindness he feels towards you to himself as well, and sees your scars as valid as he sees his own

Portia

She's still very embarrassed (and slightly ashamed) for how things went the first time she saw them

She'd noticed something peeking out from your clothes, and how you seemed focused on covering them, and falsely assumed that it was some cool magical tattoo

Which only piqued her curiosity. This has to be juicy, and she's determined to get a closer look. Which is why, as soon as you'd become friends, she took her first chance to snatch a look

And then froze. And then dropped you, and then burst into tears. How could this happen, MC? Why would you do this to yourself? It looks like it must have hurt so much -

It's unfortunate but you're going to have to comfort her first while she works her way through the five stages of grief. She loves you, and she's heartbroken and confused about why this would happen

She needs time to process how she feels about it before she can listen to you without having a meltdown. Her normal response to self-destruction is a fist to the gut (Ilya) and that wouldn't do

Ends up following your cues when it comes to how she talks to you about it. If it's in the past, it's in the past. If it's a current struggle, then she's your partner. She'll be right next to you

She does think your fighting spirit makes you badass, though

Lucio

He's not great at noticing details unless they directly correspond to physical strengths and weaknesses. Any kind of scarring from a wound is (from his experience) a totally normal thing to see

When he starts to notice how you cover yours or get weird about them being touched, he asks about it right away

You've got such cool scars, MC, why are you hiding them? You should show them off so everyone knows how battle-tested you are! Here, he'll show his off too! *cue him stripping off his shirt*

It's a little difficult to know how best to respond to this. You're each other's life partners by now, he should probably know the truth, but you don't know how to burst his bubble

You do end up telling him later, once you're settling into your inn for the night, and watching the realization and hurt dawn across his face is anything but easy

MC, why? You deserve the best, you are the best, you're his best, you're telling him that you treated someone like yourself this poorly when you were showing him so much forgiveness?

He's not trying to guilt you at all, but it comes close to having that effect. The only thing he can think to do is hug you really really tight and hope it convinces you that you deserve better

Still refers to them as your battle scars, because to him they are

#ask arcana brainrot #the arcana #the arcana headcanons #the arcana hc #the arcana game #asra the arcana #julian the arcana #nadia the arcana #muriel the arcana #portia the arcana #lucio the arcana #asra alnazar #julian devorak #nadia satrinava #muriel of the kokhuri #portia devorak #lucio morgasson

[hikikaimar]

BULLETPROOF LOVE

[dazai osamu x gn!reader]

‘it was the best time of my life, but now i sleep alone’

in which dazai is forced to ruin the only true love he’s ever had.

genre: angst

content warnings: mild language, description of being poisoned, death

NOW PLAYING:

bulletproof love 01:53 ━━━━●───── 02:04 ⇆ㅤ ㅤ◁ㅤ ❚❚ ㅤ▷ ㅤㅤ↻ ılıılıılıılıılıılı ᴠᴏʟᴜᴍᴇ : ▮▮▮▮▮▮

we used to laugh until we choked, into the wasted nights…

you two were in your backyard, drinks in hand, starry sky glowing, laughing the night away. this was a moment you never wanted to end, but since you couldn’t freeze time, you’d cherish it. cherish his bright, infectious smile and melodic laugh, his warm hand on your thigh, squeezing it for support as you two found escape in each other, able to have a time where you could be yourselves and not have a care in the world.

the taste of you and me will never leave my lips again, under the blinding rain…

you both were soaked, the rain causing your shirts to cling to your skin, an uncomfortable sensation. but neither of you could care less, not when you’d smashed your lips onto his as if the world depended on it. you could feel the initial surprise and hesitation, but soon enough his arms were around your waist, squeezing you with a warmth you’d longed to feel from him for years.

oh, the memories. those moments you would cherish forever. those moments that lead you here, seated at a nice restaurant, your senses occupied by the beautiful man sitting in front of you, the silk glove on your hand that your nails slightly rustled against as you reached for your almost empty wine, which smelled sweet like blackberries, the taste in your mouth still lingering from when dazai had kissed you mere moments ago, and the piano you could hear faintly in the background. as you finished the last drop of wine you had, a server came to hand you the bill, and soon enough dazai was walking you home. hand in hand, smiling in the comfortable silence, you eventually make it to your doorstep. after you bid him farewell, you notice you have a headache, but just ignore it, assuming it’s from migraines. you instead make way to your couch after you change into something comfortable, deciding to read.

at some point when you were sitting on your couch, you realised you felt much too abnormal to just be experiencing migraines. your heartbeat began to increase, your head was pounding, and your vision was just barely blurred. not to mention you felt like you had to puke, which is exactly what you did, though it was made difficult since your body felt as if it just gave up on attempting any movement. after your feeling of nausea was gone, you looked at yourself in the bathroom mirror, seeing the sweat on your face, bangs clinging to your forehead, yet you felt freezing. as you splashed water from your sink on your face in hopes of it making you feel better, you were wondering what happened. it was already obvious to you that you were poisoned, but when? and why?

then it hit you. no wonder dazai seemed a little stiff when you kissed him goodbye and said you’d see him later. you’d never be seeing him again. you sigh, getting one last good look at yourself before you walk out the bathroom. what does one do in their last moments? eat? watch tv? just sleep? write? actually, that’s perfect. write a note to…dazai? you might as well give a farewell to your soon to be ex-lover.

the poison was really getting to you now, you were barely hanging on. you write the last few words in your mind as you feel yourself fade out of consciousness, your loose grip on the gold pen and wobbly letters you wrote being the last thing you see.

it’s fourteen o’clock. dazai has been staring at the wall of his dim, unkempt room since eleven. he knows you’re dead. he knows he did it. he knows he has to go take care of your limp body at some point, and he’s been telling himself it’d be better to get it over with quick since he woke up at three am, thoughts of you haunting him. but luckily, hours of brooding was all he needed to finally think himself prepared to go to your house and face what he’d done.

as he approaches the all too familiar beige house, his steps slow down, trying to prolong his entry through your white door for as long as possible, scared. but eventually his feet guided him to your doorstep. he grabbed the key you’d given him months prior out of his pocket, turning it in the lock and hesitating before he opened the door. his eyes immediately spotted your body, and he wanted so badly to run over there and shake you and scream at you, in some hope that you may still be alive. but he wasn’t going to be delusional. he knew that wasn’t a possibility. not with what he’d slipped into your wine, the same wine he secretly hoped you’d maybe be suddenly repulsed by and ignore, unknowingly saving yourself. after he’s done staring at your corpse, he notices a pen not far from your limp hand. then he notices a letter. and it says ‘TO DAZAI’ in big letters on the top. he cautiously walked over to the letter, as if he was scared of it. and to be honest, he was. scared of what it’d say, scared of how you’d obviously figured out he poisoned you and how much you’d resent him for it. yet he still picks it up, eyes reading over it carefully.

‘by the time you’re reading this, i’ll already be gone. my love for you was bulletproof, so you used poison instead. you always did manage to find a way to do things. but i forgive you, and i'll always love you.’

dazai’s eyes linger on those last few words, wishing he could finally not be a coward and say them to you, show you the commitment you deserved. god, he was such a fuck up, he thought. as memories of you at your best, worst, and everything in between passed through his head, his eyes unwillingly glided over to your face, your closed eyes decorated with beautiful lashes and a perfect ray of sunshine. tears were begging to leave his eyes, but he wouldn’t let them. he didn’t deserve to cry over you, why would he? he was your murderer.

a/n: i think i cried writing this bro 😭 and i wrote this while i was watching oda die again so like i was ugly crying so hard, mascara running down my cheeks nd everything 💀 hope y’all liked this !! and i left the reason dazai had to poison reader unexplained on purpose, i might elaborate on it later tho </3

credits to @/saradika-graphics for dividers !! reblogs are appreciated :)

#𖤐ᝰ.ᐟ𖦹₊⊹ kai’s fics 𖤐ᝰ.ᐟ𖦹₊⊹ #dazai x you #dazai x reader #bungo stray dogs #bungou stray dogs #bungou stray dogs x reader #osamu dazai #dazai osamu #bsd dazai #bungou stray dogs dazai #dazai x y/n #songfic

[manicplank]

Ok you don't have to do this if you don't want to since its, y'know, drug related but:

Pizza Tower crew if they ate a weed brownie not knowing it was a weed brownie hcs? Like they just thought it was a normal brownie... but it wasn't.

I did something similar to this, but I'll be more specific

What was in that brownie, man?

Peppino: Oh, a brownie. How nice. One of his very few customers left him a brownie as a tip. He, of course, was happy with the treat and ate it. Then the customer called. He gave him the wrong brownie... Peppino initially got anxious. He hadn't been high since he was a teenager. He wasn't sure what to expect. He thought maybe it was a prank since he didn't feel anything... But a few hours later, his eyes were red and low, he was hungrier than ever before, and he felt calm. It ended up being not as bad as he anticipated.

Gustavo: A brownie, how nice! He loves brownies! This one tasted a little funky... Maybe it was bad? He shrugged it off at first... until he started feeling funny. He felt lightheaded and strange. He felt like he was in a clay-mation movie. Things felt weird. He was freaking out yet very calm. Then he found the wrapper. Oh, that was a weed brownie. He wasn't as freaked out now that he knew what was happening. He'd rather eat a weed brownie than a moldy brownie.

Mr. Stick: He got a brownie from one of his shady business buddies. The wrapper very clearly stated that there was 300mg of THC in it, but Stick didn't know what THC was. He assumed it was some weird preservative. He ate it without any further question. After about an hour, he started to feel funny. His head felt fuzzy and tired. He began to panic, assuming that he had been poisoned. He flipped shit and threw up. He read the wrapper and realized it contained cannabis. That calmed him down a bit, but he was still a bit antsy.

Pepperman: There were some individually wrapped brownies in a room in the tower, and he helped himself to one, completely unaware it was a pot brownie. He went back to his studio, hoping to work on a new project, but he couldn't seem to focus. The world felt weird. He thought he was getting sick since he felt super lethargic. He was also super hungry, so he went to get another brownie. This time, he actually looked at the packaging. Oh... That's not a normal brownie. He got some chips instead. He ate the whole bag and took the best nap of his life.

The Vigilante: He found a brownie on the floor. Probably not the best to eat food off the floor, but it was wrapped in a fancy package. He figured he'd eat it since it had been forever since he had one. After a while, he started to feel weird. Something wasn't right, but he couldn't quite but his finger on it. Wait... He has fingers?! He couldn't figure out how he has fingers if he's a semi-liquid being. Then he started to wonder how he wears boots since he doesn't have feet. He went to the sound room and asked the Secret King a bunch of dumb questions. The King asked, "Are you high or something?" Vigi's eye widened. He ran back, grabbed the wrapper out of the trash, and realized that it was a weed brownie. Idiot.

The Noise: He saw a brownie, he ate the brownie. No questions. It tasted a little strange. It had a familiar taste that he couldn't quite put his finger on... After a while, he started feeling strange. He wasn't too bothered by it. Then he laughed at an ant he saw for about ten minutes straight. He finally realized he was high and laughed at the fact that his dumbass ate a weed brownie without questioning it. His laughter could be heard throughout the tower. He slammed down an entire bag of chips, a pack of cookies, three sodas, and passed out.

Noisette: A brownie fell out of one of the Noise's clothes when she was doing laundry. She loves brownies! It tasted a little weird, but it didn't faze her considering all of her food tasted weird. He's always hiding snacks from her, and when she finds them, she eats them. About an hour passed, and she began to feel strange. She went to tease Noise about the fact that she ate his brownie and mentioned she thought it went bad since she felt icky after eating it. His eyes got wide and he frowned as he had to explain to her that it was a pot brownie. She freaked out. She was angry at him, but she was also super scared! She had never gotten high! He set her in front of the TV, wrapped her up in a blanket, and put a snack beside her. She spent hours sitting there. She wasn't watching the TV as much as she was watching the colors dance across the screen. She ended up falling asleep. But when she sobered up, she chewed Noise's ass out for having drugs with him.

Fake Peppino: BROWNIE! YUMMY! He ate the brownie. He loved it! Due to his squishy demeanor, it absorbed into his body quickly. He started to feel strange. He was kind of scared. He thought he was sick! He hates being sick. He began to panic, frozen in place... Until he threw up. He felt a little better after that, but he began to feel super tired. He napped for about 19 hours straight. When he woke up, he felt incredibly refreshed.

Pizzahead: Brownie. Ate it. Period. No thoughts. Only brownie. Speaking of no thoughts, he began to feel that way after a bit of time. The feeling was familiar. Oh shit, he was high! How hilarious! He laughed at the fact that he was high. He got heavy munchies and ate two whole pizzas (yes, he's a cannibal). He watched NTV and laughed his ass off. He began to wonder if most of NTV's programs were made for people who were high. But then his head was empty again. He sat there staring at the wall. He's the type of person who could watch paint dry when he's high as shit.

Pillar John: YUMMY! A brownie! How nice. He loves food. He ate the brownie without hesitation. Because of his rocky build, it took a while to hit him. He began to feel it. He realized it was a weed brownie. He was a little disappointed in himself for eating the brownie without questioning it, but then he forgot. He was hungry again, so he went to the secret treasure rooms and ate whatever was in those. After that, he ate 4 whole pizzas. Then he sculked around the NTV building and found Noise's secret sweet stash. He ate quite a bit of it. Then he went to Noisette's and ordered some peanut butter spaghetti. He still felt hungry, so he had a chocolate corncob. After it all, he was feeling pretty tired, so he took a good ol' fashioned weed nap. (Those are the best.)

Gerome: Ah, a brownie. A nice sweet treat to reward himself for not losing his mind and murdering everybody. At least, not yet. He sat down for a little break and had the brownie. He leaned back and relaxed. Then he relaxed some more. And more. And more. Hmm... He thought that he was unusually relaxed. He stood up, and things felt foggy. He was able to put two and two together and realized that he was high. Whatever. It didn't bother him much. He deserved to relax after being trapped in that tower for so long. He fell asleep sitting up and slept for hours.

#pizza tower #noise #the noise #headcanon #noisette #peppino #peppino spaghetti #pizzahead #the vigilante #fake peppino #pillar john #pepperman #pizza tower gerome #pizza tower gustavo #mr. stick #drug tw

[innerchorus]

Thinking about the Turanian invasion (the one in the canon era, not the one that's looming over the horizon in the fic rn) and Kishward (and Bahman?) imploring lords around the country to omg go and help Team Gorgan PLEASE and thinking about who'd show up... I think Lushan would. He just has that air about him— I wonder if Tus and Zaravant would, and if so, what would prompt them...

Meanwhile Gorgan is chaos.

(also thinking a lot about Ranna and Alfarīd, help me)

Ooh, some logistics at play here! Since this is AU based I'm not sure how much advance warning they have of the Turanian army's approach but from the sounds of it in this scenario the border has already been breeched and Team Gorgan are attempting to hold them up which... I don't envy them the task but it sure sounds like it'll be exciting to read about.

I don't know what Bahman's mental state is like here but if he's troubled by anything like he is in canon then I imagine Kishward may take the lead... However, Bahman still has some steel in him and it's not unbelievable to think that Gorgan's need for reinforcements would galvanise him into action (though perhaps he's more likely to eventually surprise everyone by stepping forward to lead troops to bolster the defences himself rather than taking the lead with initially reaching out to various lords etc, which is a task I imagine would fall to Kishward while Bahman is still beset by apathy and other worries).

I assume they're sending messages to ask for reinforcements? That makes it even harder to apply pressure on reluctant lords, so they're probably aware of who they can likely count on and who they can't (Andragoras may have been able to essentially strong-arm the shahrdaran but many of them, like Hodir, would be content to sit and wait and see how things play out in his absence, especially if their own territory is not under threat.)

It's a tricky one because it's Prince Arslan's presence and proclamations that draw the various lords and their troops to Peshawar. It's hard to say exactly how many would come otherwise. I feel as though Zaravant would, he evidently feels a sense of duty towards his country and would put himself forward to represent Oxus as he does in canon. The fact that the Marzbans in Peshawar are trying to organise further defense of the border and Pars's lands would likely be enough for him. That might be a nice surprise for Kishward and Bahman who may have assumed nobody from Oxus would come. Tus would go too, probably. He has a garrison of men who would be of great help.

Lushan likewise would help if he could, even if he's not shown leading troops on the battlefield himself he's still had a military education and would presumably have troops available to him. One thing to consider though is where everyone is coming from and how much time they have (as in, how fast do they need to get to Peshawar and then on to Gorgan in order to be of real help?). This is a large invasion and the Turanians probably have very good troop mobility, I don't know how long Gorgan could hold them before they break through or bypass their defences and beseige Peshawar itself instead. Some characters might have some debate about whether it's worth leaving their lands or whether it would be better to sit tight and wait, especially as Andragoras's fate is unknown. There's likely no precedent for what to do when the Shah is missing.

I don't know how helpful these ramblings will be since a lot depends on the specifics of your AU! Happy to talk about it more (though I won't be online again now until later or maybe tomorrow).

#arslan senki #the heroic legend of arslan #wolfpack au #lushan #tus #zaravant

[teecupangel]

I've been seeing a bunch of 'Desmond reborn as someone' posts here, and I also saw that fanfiction where Desmond was reborn as Anne Bonny's son and I thought I might as well suggest one as well, with Desmond being reborn as Mary Read's child? Whether Mary lives or dies, I'm not sure.

Okay, confession time!

My initial idea for A Pirate's Son was for Desmond to be reborn as Mary Read’s child instead of Anne Bonny’s but I changed it because Mary had a daughter and I was only ‘starting out’ writing Desmond so I was a bit hesitant to write Desmond being reborn as a woman (not anymore though XD).

So, for this one, let’s set up the background.

All we know is that Mary had a daughter but we don’t know what happened to the child so we’re going to assume that the child was sent to an orphanage.

So in this one, Desmond would be born not knowing who his mother was. All he’d know was that his mother had been a ‘wicked woman who deserved her fate’. (Historically, Mary’s child most probably died together with her when she died from fever as there are no records of an infant’s death)

We’re killing Mary (sorry, Mary TTATT) because we want Desmond to have an isolated childhood, wondering who his mother was.

Also, this would give Desmond motivation to seek out the Brotherhood as soon as he could because… well, there was no way he was going to stay in this orphanage that was obviously out to paint him as the son of a sinner and all that good stuff.

So he leaves as soon as he could and lives in the street, using Desmond Miles’ skills and what remains of his Bleed, pretending to be a boy.

No.

He was a boy.

Even if he was born as…

He was still a boy.

And Desmond would make his way to London as its the nearest city he knows has a Brotherhood (or, if it didn’t have one, he was planning on moving to the colonies and just annoying Achilles until he agrees to train him, Ratonhnhaké:ton-style) and the Brotherhood sees potential in him so they take him in.

It doesn’t take long for him to be initiated and soon, he’s climbing the ranks of the British Brotherhood (maybe we’ll have him be friends with a Frye who would later become the Frye’s twins ancestors?) and he’ll get Miko’s attention who takes him in as his successor, hoping he and Edward’s son would take over as the mentors after them.

This leads to him meeting Edward Kenway who freezes because…

‘Desmond’ (no last name) looks a lot like Mary Read.

Unorganized Notes:

Edward introduced Desmond as the son of a business associate (Miko) that he’s teaching to the Kenway family. Desmond is actually in the Kenway Mansion because they heard Templar activities around the area and Desmond has been ordered to find more.

Haytham thinks he’s super cool and likes it when Desmond teaches him swordsmanship. Desmond can’t say no because Haytham is so cute as a kid.

No one, not even Miko, know that Desmond was born a woman.

Until… Jenny asked him blankly because she felt like there was something ‘strange’ about Desmond and Desmond tells her the truth.

The fact that Edward believes Desmond is a man is the only reason why he keeps questioning if Desmond is Mary’s child since he heard she gave birth to a girl.

Desmond is the main reason why Jenny began to push Edward to let her be an Assassin, threatening to run away with Desmond if he doesn’t.

Edward mistakes this as Jenny and Desmond having a secret affair and he’s torn because (1) Jenny is his little girl and he wants to protect her, (2) he doesn’t want to lose her like he lost Caroline, and (3) Desmond is an Assassin so she’d never be completely safe.

But at the same time… if he could trust his daughter with anyone, it would be with Desmond.

Desmond and Jenny are not in any kind of relationship. They’re more like… older bullying sister (Jenny) and tired younger brother (Desmond).

That’s as far as I got.

The Kenway Tragedy doesn’t happen because Desmond was staying in the mansion when the attack happened but… well… Jenny’s definitely going to run away and go to the colonies to get trained by this Achilles person that Desmond had talked about once if her father does not approve of her choice and she’ll drag Desmond with her because she knows how much her father favors Desmond. The plan is to use Desmond as sorta like “you like the dog so I’m taking the dog when I leave” kind of scorched earth plan.

#desmond as mary read's child #i’m gonna be honest #I’m not sure if the timeline would actually work #I’m going for what I remember #in the timeline when I wrote #ac fic: a pirate’s son #it would be funny #if this ends with jenny and shay having #some kind of rivalry #for some reason #ask and answer #assassin's creed #desmond miles #edward kenway #jennifer scott #fic idea: assassin's creed #teecup writes/has a plot

[shannankle]

Shadow Meta Series Post #1: Clocks and Masculinity in Shadow

This is the first post in my Shadow meta series on technology, time, and horror. You can check out my introduction and plan for that in this post!

Let's start the first post off by looking at clocks, clocks, clocks and a dose of toxic masculinity!

When Dan first arrives at the school in the first episode, he enters the school with brother Anurak. The transition is marked by a shot of the school: a clock above writing that simply says “school building”

This immediately signals that Dan is entering a space where time and temporality will be thematically relevant.

The question is: what role is time playing here?

Is this simply a visual hint of how Dan and the audience will experience the slipping of time throughout the story? Or is it doing more?

My initial hypothesis was that clocks would be a visual marker for when we would either get a flashback or have Dan jumping around in time. However, while this pattern didn’t pan out entirely, there was a particular episode where this was absolutely the case. 

So let’s jump in! I’ll go over a few things I noticed and then do a reading of episode 4 in particular.

Places where we see clocks:

The face of the school building

It’s shown in episode 1 as a transition shot when Dan arrives

The lower half is shown as a transition shot after Dan’s first dream post losing his ring in episode 

Later in episode 7 we get a full close up just before we see the students watch Anan and his father. This is right before the scene in the art classroom. 

2. There’s a clock in Dan and Josh’s dorm

This would make sense as a symbol of atemporality since much of Dan’s dreaming takes place here. But it’s not always visually shown. It shows up more frequently when Josh is in the scene, and is on his side of the room divided by the line on the wall 

3. Anurak’s office

There are at least two clocks in his office.

4. Joe’s office/instructors' office (there’s more than one desk so I’m assuming the latter)

5. The headmaster’s office

It doesn’t show up in early episodes, but it does show up later (it can be seen when Dan and Anan are called in)

6. The infirmary

We don’t see it in every scene, but it is present when Nai and Dan first chat about homophobia and Nai’s past

7. Throughout episode 4

The hospital room where Dan’s father stays

Dan’s home in his flashbacks has multiple clocks 

Dan’s dad almost always wears a wrist watch

Other Notes:

I was expecting to find a clock in the art room where reality and dream slip for Dan. Like a few other moments, Dan’s and our sense of time is also being played with in the scene. But no clock! I’ll return to why I think this might be after going over episode 4

Nowhere did I see a digital clock. Every clock in the show (at least that I noticed) is analog! For context, digital wrist watches have been on the market since the 1970s and radio alarm clocks with mechanical-digital displays were available by the late 1960s.

Episode 4: Chess

While my theory that clocks would signal temporal shifts and flashbacks didn’t consistently pan out on the whole, it did do so in one particular episode. In episode 4, we have Dan navigating his relationship with his father. Every time we jump between present and past there is a clock to be found. 

Our flashback journey starts with Dan falling asleep in his dorm. We get a shot of the room in this scene that fully shows the clock on the wall. Instead of a dream, we move to a flashback of Dan’s father in the hospital. His hospital room is shown with a clock.

After this point, most of the flashbacks occur between scenes in the present that take place in or nearby this hospital room, even if the clock is not shown in every scene. 

Within the flashbacks, there is always at least one clock (with a particular exception I'll explore as well)

The first flashback shows us Dan’s parents fighting. Both his mom and dad have wrist watches on in this scene. While his mom never wears one after this, his dad continually wears his.  

In the next scene we can see Dan's dad has his watch when they visit his mom. He hesitates to comfort Dan raising his left hand but not actually placing it on Dan's shoulder.

Next we see Dan’s mom and Anurak talking in the hospital. There’s no clock…yet! Dan and his father enter, and Dan’s dad has his wrist watch on. Time and Dan’s dad enter together as an impending threat in this scene. 

With this in mind, I’d argue that clocks/watches, at least within this episode symbolize patriarchal violence and toxic masculinity. Or perhaps even the violence of heteronormative time (see my previous post about hamlet and queer time here). 

In the following flashbacks we see the build up to his mother’s suicide. In addition to the dad’s wrist watch, we also get a number of clocks showing up in these scenes. When Dan’s dad confronts his mom about her letter with Anurak, there is a wooden clock set behind the desk. As Dan and his mother eat breakfast we can see a clock next to the kitchen. And finally when Dan finds his mother, there is a clock set on the wall next to the stairwell. 

It’s as if the clocks are bearing down on her, a constant presence like the abuse she faces. In this way she is forced to escape time and patriarchal abuse through death, much like Dan begins to escape through his dreams and the shadow. 

In the next flashback we have his mother’s funeral. Once again Dan’s father has his watch on. However, Dan chooses to go outside, to leave this temporal space, and this is when he meets Anurak again. Their discussion is free of clocks/watches, much like the scene between Anurak and Dan’s mom before his father arrived. 

Given that Anurak is surrounded by multiple clocks in the present, it’s hard to get a sense of what this might be doing outside of episode 4. But within it, Anurak continues to be unmarked by time. Perhaps this signals his relationship with Dan at the time which was one of safety and refuge from his father’s violence. Or perhaps, if we read him as the one armed man (see @wen-kexing-apologist 's big brained post on this theory here) it's a mark of how he falls outside of the traditionally masculine through his queerness and disability. The left arm is where wrist watches are traditionally worn after all, and it is the left hand that Dan's father raises to hit his mother. If Anurak is the one armed man, he can’t signal masculinity in this way. Perhaps too, the fact that Anurak has clocks in the present suggests his changed relationship with Dan, from one of safety and escape to one of conformity and confinement. 

The connection between patriarchal abuse and clocks is brought home in the following scenes as Dan and father return home. The transition to them in the dining room directly focuses on the dad’s watch first. We don't see it, but we know from earlier scenes that the kitchen has a clock as well. All of this is framing Dan’s return to a space dominated by his father and his abuse. And this culminates in Dan’s father forcing him to eat food he’s allergic to.  

As the flashbacks wrap up, we get Dan in his bed having a shadow nightmare. It’s hard to tell 100% but it does look like there’s a clock on his night stand. When he sees the shadow he runs to the hallway calling for his dad. His dad doesn’t answer, and like his absence there are no clocks in these shots at all. And it is here that Anurak enters and offers Dan a sense of safety, a space of comfort outside of his father’s abuse and outside of time. 

At this point the flashbacks are over. In the present Dan slips into a dream where he’s able to talk with his father. They discuss abuse and Dan’s dad makes it clear how he views masculinity in a rigid and toxic way. Throughout most of their conversation, his dad’s left wrist is hidden. That is, until Dan flips the table. The watch’s presence becomes visible again at the moment Dan loses control of the space. This culminates in Dan beating his father, who, to Dan’s horror, suggests he grew up just like him. In this moment time symbolizes not just his father’s abuse, but the possibility and horror in the idea that such patriarchal violence will be internalized and passed on to the next generation. 

Concluding thoughts:

While clocks in episode 4 are used to visually mark shifts in time, they also come symbolize patriarchal violence and the oppressiveness Dan and his mother felt living with his father. We might consider then the role of other clocks in the show as perhaps an extension of this symbolism rather than a marker of moments where time will blur. The school itself is framed by a clock, and it is certainly a space where Dan, Nai, and Trin all experienced heteronormative violence. Even in spaces like the infirmary where Dan and Nai open up to one another in a way counter to this framework, the clock hovers over the space. 

With this in mind, I want to return to the art classroom. In episodes 1-7 this is probably one of the most striking moments where reality blurs for Dan. It’s also a moment where his sense of time is played with (notice how he jumps back to reality before even speaking with Nai, more on this scene here and here). Yet there’s no clock to be seen in the room. This is in contrast to two scenes earlier when we are given a full close up of the school clock. 

This might be a pre-emptive reading, but I would put forth the idea that Dan and the show are offering up a queerer avenue to time. Dan, Nai, and Trin all experience the supernatural in ways that transcend linear time. Through haunting and the blurring of a sense of time the show is working to explore the tension between queerness and heteronormative violence. The school clock looms, but Dan still enters a space in the art classroom and through his waking dream that can’t quite be contained. 

I talk a bit about this in my post on hamlet and queer time, but there's a lot more to be said from a Thai context. In her book Ghostly Desires, Arnika Fuhrmann discusses the way some contemporary Thai cinema has used haunting as a way to forge a space at the moment of death where desire, particularly queer desire, can operate. This lies in contrast to the time of the nation and the time of capital which flatten time in order to shore up ideas of national identity and sexual normativity. It’s all quite a bit more nuanced than I’ve put here. I plan to write a much longer post exploring this dynamic in Shadow through discussions of horror films and the context of changes in Thailand in the late 90s and aughts. Coming soon!

#shadow the series #shadow #shadow the series meta #my posts #my meta #shadow meta series #shadow meta series post 1 #shadow meta

[iguana-braces]

Late Night Snack (Rooster x Reader)

Based on this request – Masterlist

Description: “Pussy put his ass to sleep, now he calling me NyQuil” - Nicki Minaj, 2014 (I could not come up with a better description, forgive me)

Warnings: explicit content, oral (f!receiving), vaginal sex, brief swearing

Word Count: 1k 

Note: Realized I really have no set rules as to when I use callsigns vs. names, it’s honestly on a whim every time. Y’all know I’m talking about the same person. Also, everywhere online says Miles Teller has dark brown eyes but literally any picture shows his eyes are brown and GREEN, which I consider hazel. Details, man, details. 

MINORS DNI, 18+

Rooster was always like this after coming home from duty; antsy, restless, unsure what to do with himself. Distant, even. You had gotten used to going to bed alone while he stayed up working in the garage or playing video games. That was to be expected, as you'd heard and read a thousand times before. It had to be rough switching back and forth between such different lifestyles on base and here with you. And you knew he tried his best to reconcile the two, but sometimes it seemed like his mind was still somewhere far away, keeping him from fully existing in the world you lived in. 

As nice as it was to sprawl out on the bed alone, you’d much rather have him there, snoring and all, because before you knew it he’d be gone again and you wouldn’t have a choice. But there were ways to bring him back to Earth, to the present, even if it was just for long enough to get some sleep. Give him something appealing to focus on and something to tire him out, two birds with one stone. 

You had given him an hour and a half to come to bed on his own, fading in and out of consciousness in your room. But Bradley stayed oblivious in the garage, doing God-knows-what with his truck, mumbling along loudly to the radio. Forcing yourself out of the comfortable sheets, it was time to take more active measures. 

"Bradshaw, food!" you yelled, briefly passing the cracked door to the garage.  

"I'm not hungry, but thank you!" 

"I wasn't asking!" 

"Why are you still awake?" you heard him call as he headed down the hallway a few minutes later. 

"Why are you?" 

His answer was halted when he rounded the corner and saw what exactly was waiting in the kitchen for him. You were laid on the table, knees propped up, your modesty only covered by an extra long t-shirt. Smiling, he replied, "...Well, I suppose a man's gotta eat." 

He knelt in front of you, kissing his way up your thigh, gazing up at you with those hazel eyes. You'd never seen a man go down on a woman with the same zeal and commitment that Rooster did. Whatever romances he had before had taught him well, although he assured you he wasn't as much of a lady-killer as you had initially assumed him to be. 

Blood raced through your body towards the area he was now lapping at so lewdly, your back arching off the table as his fingers stroked at that sensitive spot inside you. You had closed your eyes in bliss, but felt yourself drifting further and further from consciousness. Not that you weren't enjoying it, but it was so late and you underestimated the amount of energy you had when you embarked on this mission. But you were determined to stay awake for at least one orgasm, letting it wash over you softly like a wave when it came. 

"Alright, you can come up for air," you sighed. 

"That was delicious. Please, give my compliments to the chef.” You blushed as he stood, searching for one of the kitchen towels to clean up with. 

"Mhm, you’re welcome. Come here, you’re not done."

Bradley only shook his head as he returned to the table, leaning down to kiss you. "I'm pretty sure this table would collapse with both of us on it." 

He was probably right, it had always been a little wobbly and you’d felt the legs shake when you first laid down on it. Instead, you wrapped your arms around his neck and let him carry you bridal style to the bedroom, where he playfully tossed you on to the bed. 

You didn’t even have time to pull off your shirt before he was on top of you, kissing you back down to the mattress as you wrapped your legs around his waist. Breaking away to remove his shorts, he entered you with one swift motion. 

“Shit,” you gasped. 

“You good?”

“I’m good. Are you good?”

“I’m great,” he said, leaning back on his heels to watch as he slowly thrust into you. You could tell he was content to take his sweet time with this, reveling in the minute sensations and the visual of you in front of him. But time was not on his side. 

“Faster,” you whispered. Always happy to oblige, Bradley leaned forward again, resting your legs on his shoulders as his hips sped up. 

“Like that?”

“Harder.” 

He started snapping his hips into yours vigorously, making you cry out repeatedly as he hit deep. Still, you reached down to dig your fingers into his thighs, pulling him closer to you with each thrust. “Harder.”

"I’m going as hard as I can, baby” he huffed between breaths. 

While that was most likely true, you couldn’t run the risk of him having a single iota of energy left after this. “You’re not getting tired, are you?”

He shook his head, panting, “No, ma’am. I’m never too tired for you.”

“Then put your back into it, Lieutenant,” you ordered, like a very flustered drill sergeant. 

Bradley sighed and shook his head again, but replied with an affirmative, “Yes, ma’am.”

Dropping down to rest on his forearms, he kissed you and began rolling his hips into yours, causing you to moan against his mouth. It wasn’t exactly harder, but it was more stimulation that made you start to shake under him. You closed your eyes again but sleep was the last thing on your mind now. You were too lost in the rush of sensations; the faint smell of metal and motor oil on his shirt, the sounds of your breaths and gasps mixing together, and your body clinging to his, warm and secure in his arms.

You almost didn’t want him to stop, but there had been a reason for this whole encounter and it wasn’t for an all-night sex fest, as appealing as that started to sound. 

“I’m ready whenever you are,” you signaled. 

He answered you with a kiss, pressing your foreheads together as he set his own pace, grinding against you feverishly. Just as you were starting to come down from another high, his breath began to hitch, turning into soft groans as he buried himself deeply inside you.

As his sighs against your neck started to even out, you softly kissed his lips, his cheek, his neck, Bradley’s eyes fluttering open again to focus on yours. 

"Hi.”

"Hey."

"I think it's bedtime," you murmured. 

With a tired nod, he replied, "Yeah, it’s kinda late, don’t you think?"

“...No shit, honey.” At this, he just smirked, kissing your forehead before lifting himself from you. 

#bradley rooster bradshaw #Bradley Bradshaw #bradley bradshaw x reader #bradley rooster bradshaw x reader

[tigereyes45]

spones

I assume this is for the Ship questions game. (If not then just send me another anon letting me know.) Also I'm answering for TOS Spones. Let me know if you want me to do AOS later.

SEND ME A SHIP and I’ll tell you:

Who said “I love you” first

Bones said, "I love you." directly first. I headcanon that Spock realizes his feelings for McCoy first, but he doesn't say the words "I love you". Instead he says it in other ways, such as, "I am more efficient on the job when I know that you're safe."

Who would have the other’s picture as their phone background?

McCoy. He would have a picture of his daughter as his lock screen but Spock would be his homescreen. It would be one he took, when he thought Spock wouldn't notice. The vulcan has the faintest smile on his face as he's bent over a microscope working on something. Neither of them mention the fact that Spock only start smiling when McCoy pulled out the phone.

Who leaves notes written in fog on the bathroom mirror?

Bones. Spock doesn't see a point to it. He'll always read the messages but then he disinfects and wipes down his mirror.

Who buys the other cheesy gifts?

They both do. Spock would argue his gifts aren't cheesy, they're practical, and the ones that aren't he gave because he knew Dr. McCoy would want them. Which is not cheesy, but the point of gift giving. However Bones would just own up to it. He likes seeing Spock's reactions, even if strangers can't spy the small differences in his expressions, Bones can.

Who initiated the first kiss?

McCoy. No doubt in my mind, McCoy would initiate the first 'human' kiss. (Spock went in to hug McCoy in canon before and McCoy held his hand and shook it instead. So Spock absolutely initiated the first 'Vulcan' kiss.)

Who kisses the other awake in the morning?

McCoy. It's typically a forehead, or cheek kiss. Sometimes if Spock is sleeping in, McCoy will kiss him on one of his ears to get a reaction.

Who starts tickle fights?

Neither. They don't really do tickle fights, and I feel like if they did, McCoy would start it, and lose it.

Who asks who if they can join the other in the shower?

Spock would ask to join, but only after McCoy has invited him in a few times before in the past. There would need to be a precedent of it for Spock to feel comfortable enough to ask.

Who surprises the other in the middle of the day at work with lunch?

They both do this, but Spock does it most often. He has McCoy's schedule memorized and checks in an hour after his lunch should have been. If Bones hasn't had lunch by then, Spock uses the sickbay's replicator to make them food and eats with him.

Who was nervous and shy on the first date?

McCoy. This man has a ton of southern charm but none of it helps him against Spock's vulcan stoicism. He was absolutely worried that Spock wasn't having a good time. (Which inevitably would lead to him picking a fight just to get a reaction out of Spock.)

Who kills/takes out the spiders?

Spock takes them out. McCoy isn't scared of spiders, and will take them out if he's the only one around. Spock doesn't like the idea of killing spiders, so they always take them out.

Who loudly proclaims their love when they’re drunk?

Bones. He gets loud, and very proud. He would brag about Spcok's accomplishments to anyone who tried to say anything slightly negative about the vulcan, while drunk (or sober). Spock gets more possessive when he's drunk.

Original post here. Send me a ship to answer these questions about.

#spones #s'chn t'gai spock #star trek tos #leonard bones mccoy #bones mccoy #tos spock #tos mccoy #tos bones #leonard mccoy #dr mccoy #mr spock #spock #star trek #tos star trek #ask game #ship ask game #ship game

[ohbaby-here-we-go-again]

Reread taz’s Instagram statement again, after seeing some people talking about how there was probably a lot of legal stuff going on behind the scenes, and idk I just thought I’d share my some thoughts I had.

First off, I’m not gonna lie, initially when I read the post I was kinda disappointed that it was still relatively vague and neutral when it comes to the Israel-Palestine conflict. But when people pointed out that there was more than likely a lot of legal stuff going on in terms of his job, security at cons, and how probably Netflix will only allow him to say so much and remain working on opla….it made more sense

But then I was reading over the statement again and I thought it was interesting how Taz specifically mentions the Red Crescent in his post. Like when he refers to the fundraiser or growing up in Tenerife he just calls them the Red Cross, I’m assuming because that’s the name he’s been familiar with (Cruz Roja is what the Red Cross is called in Tenerife according to the website - which is the same name but in Spanish obviously), but when explaining that the organisation doesn’t “take sides in hostilities,” in the post he called them “The Red Cross/ Red Crescent.” And like, as someone who’s country uses the term Red Cross I straight up had no idea they were also called the Red Crescent in other places.

I say this because the offical Red Cross branch in Palestine is the “Palestine Red Crescent Society.” And idk I just think it’s interesting that someone, who majority of the time refers to the Red Cross as only ‘the Red Cross’ (and I’m assuming has been most familiar with them with that terminology) and coped shit because of donating to the British Red Cross, also then mention the Red Crescent title.

Because Taz pads the post out a bit talking about “believing in humanitarian aid for innocent people, on both sides of any conflict” and deliberately doesn’t specifically mention Palestine or Israel at all, it does come off as quite neutral. But the fact he specifically mentions the the Red Crescent, chose to write it as “The Red Cross/ Red Crescent movement” (kinda making them seperate instead of saying ‘The International Federation of Red Cross and Red Crescent Societies (IFRC),’ or ‘the International Red Cross and Red Crescent Movement”), and stated later in the post that “[his] efforts will never be in aid of supporting any aggression” makes me feel like maybe the statement was a little less neutral than I initially thought, and was potentially being very subtle to navigate any legal situations.

My ramble on the internet has once again ended up being kinda lengthy so sorry about that,, and idk, I might sound like a crazy person haha.

I’m not trying to change anyone’s mind just sharing some thoughts on tumblr.

#oh dear that is quite a chunk of text….if you think I sound crazy that’s totally fair #taz skylar #anyways I know now that the Red Cross have three different symbols so that’s cool #and apparently Magen David Adom (MDA) is Isreal’s offical Red Cross Society which I also didn’t know #sorry if this is hard to understand I’m not a writer guys

[amoremoccidere]

The Kairi Question (A Queer Reading of Kingdom Hearts)

I realize the first question that’s going to be on a lot of minds the minute I start talking about Sora and Riku as a romantic couple is how that fits with Kairi’s character.

There are, of course, the obvious responses, such as the fact that Kairi hasn’t played a major role in the story for a very long time, if her role could ever be called major in the first place, but that doesn’t delete her character from the story entirely.

Instead, I would like to revisit the fundamentals and really disentangle Kairi’s role from our preconceived notions of what the best friend to the male lead is “supposed” to be.

In other words, anything that is not explicit within the text is not canon.

Kairi is never explicitly stated as Sora’s love interest. The closest we come to it at any point in the story is in Chain of Memories, where Sora’s memory is addled and Namine, planting herself in Kairi’s place in many ways as her shadow, her Nobody, causes Sora to express disappointment in that they were never really friends, “Or anything more than that.” But that only confirms that Namine addled Sora’s mind to make him think he was attracted to her. Whether those feelings came initially from Kairi is left vague, even when Namine admits that Kairi is the girl in his life who is most special to him.

Feelings can also change, and people can realize that things they thought they once knew about themselves are wrong. Though I doubt this is something Kingdom Hearts would ever address plainly using specific terminology (even if Sora and Riku were to become an explicit couple in the future), since it has a certain tone that’s just slightly hovering over grounded reality, there are many people out there who didn’t realize they were queer when they were young and thought they had a crush on someone just because that person was their “favorite girl” and they didn’t realize there’s supposed to be a feeling that goes along with that. It’s a nigh-universal experience amongst homosexual and asexual people in particular. That feeling that you have to “choose” someone.

Sora’s feelings for Kairi could be interpreted as having never existed at all, or having once existed and then changed, or having been presumed by even Sora because everyone on Destiny Islands thought he liked her and he simply went along with it because he thought he was supposed to like her.

If they did exist at any point, it’s easy to support the interpretation that they don’t anymore.

Sora’s confusion when Kairi hands him a Paopu fruit--a colloquial symbol with romantic connotations--and the distress on his face is easy to read as a rejection.

It certainly isn’t an explicit expression of romance from Sora, in any case. There are none in the series. No verbal confessions, no kisses, no dates outright stated as such.

If there are no explicit confirmations, we have to turn to implicit.

But the problem with Sora and Kairi is that every scene between them that could be interpreted as romantic has a pointed, purposeful, and platonic parallel elsewhere in the series.

I’ll only give a few here to make my point, but I may make a post dedicated to this later, showing every single time Sora and Kairi do something together that’s repeated by another two characters at another point.

The existence of these platonic scenes juxtaposed against Sora and Kairi does not necessarily mean that it is impossible to read them as romantic, but that every scene between Sora and Kairi reliably has a platonic counterpart is worth noting when analyzing the purpose of these scenes.

So, if we’re assuming Kairi’s role in this story is not to be Sora’s love interest, since that role falls to Riku, then how can her role be read?

Well, personally, I read her role as--bear with me--to...not be Sora’s love interest.

And I don’t mean that in a she’s-a-strong-independent-woman-who-don’t-need-no-man way. What I mean is that she is there, specifically, to subvert the expectation that every hero in every story needs to get the girl. She’s standing in the role of “the girl” specifically to take up that space, but Sora has no intention of “getting” her.

Kairi has never been a particularly important part of Kingdom Hearts. None of her choices seem to matter.

In the first Kingdom Hearts game, her role throughout most of the story was that of a corpse. She was a MacGuffin, passed from place to place, from villain to villain, until she was rescued, just before the climax, leaving said climax for Sora and Riku alone.

In Kingdom Hearts II, she boldly left the islands in search of Sora only to be captured, passed again from villain to villain, and be rescued (by Namine this time rather than Sora)...just before the climax, leaving the climax for Sora and Riku alone once again.

In Kingdom Hearts III, if we count Re:Mind, then the story becomes more about Kairi toward the end of the installment...

...until you unlock Episode Riku after the credits, where the story goes right back to being about Riku and Sora.

...And then someone who looks like Riku and Sora.

The non-numeric games barely mention Kairi at all, usually giving her one or two short scenes where she has no lines. Even Birth By Sleep gave her less screen-time than Sora and Riku, and she only shared one scene with them while Sora and Riku were never apart.

And even Melody of Memory, a game with only thirty minutes or so of plot that was mostly about Kairi...

...ended with Kairi being told she couldn’t come, outright vocalizing what the rest of the games had all implied, finally saying it to her face. “This story...”

“...isn’t yours.”

And she’s disappointed. Understandably. Everything, this whole time, has been about Sora and Riku, and that’s something she can’t ignore anymore.

She’s the love interest that wasn’t. The girl the hero wasn’t supposed to get. She is there to be the subversion of a trope. She’s there specifically because she doesn’t have to be there. But that’s okay.

Why?

The only thing that’s been keeping her in these games all this time, the reason she keeps being pulled back into the story even when she’s not relevant, every single scene without dialogue given to her in those games where she’s otherwise absent...

They’re all there for one reason.

Sora loves her.

Maybe it’s not the way she wants. It’s certainly not the way he would have loved her in any other game. But he does love her. No game fully passes without at least a mention of her, because he’s thinking about her, or dreaming about her, or talking about her. And even if the story doesn’t belong to her...even if the romance doesn’t belong to her...he’s always going to love her.

She’s the girl Sora loved in the wrong way.

And I think she’ll be okay with that.

#amoremoccidere #soriku #long post #Kingdom Hearts

[esther-dot]

Ned was there when Lyanna died in Tower of Joy. He even fought with the guards of Rhaegar to meet with his sister. Yet Ned never think bad about Rhaegar. Oberyn and Doran were shown to have no single thought on Rhaegar humiliating their sister Elia. Only Brandon was shown to be angry for what Rhaegar did to Lyanna. I mean Ned had more thoughts on how Joffery is bad news for Sansa but no thought on Rhaegar. Is grrm deliberately doing this? If these three guys have shown their anger towards Rhaegar then maybe readers will see him a bad news. I think grrm is hiding Rhaegar and Lyanna story for Jon parentage to not get reveal early. 🤔

(continuation of this convo)

I think about this a lot too, anon. For some reason it was Oberyn who really came to mind during this chain of asks, and to my lizard brain, the omission of anger towards Rhaegar feels like an oversight on the author's part or evidence that he doesn't take the issue with Rhaegar that I do. That’s a thought that’s hard for me to even entertain as someone who has hated men for committing lesser crimes against my little sister! Obviously it makes sense to hate the perp and architect of Elia’s death and focus on them as they are alive, but Rhaegar is the one who kickstarted the events that led to Elia’s death, so ya know, hate.

As for Ned, I think this was the only quote that (to me) felt like Ned having an opinion about Rhaegar:

There was no answer Ned Stark could give to that but a frown. For the first time in years, he found himself remembering Rhaegar Targaryen. He wondered if Rhaegar had frequented brothels; somehow he thought not. (AGOT, Eddard IX)

And initially, maybe it does read like Rhaegar is being favorably contrasted with Robert. But if we opt to not assume we're to form a conclusion about Rhaegar's character from this, and instead see it as the author revealing more of the truth to us, it is clearly Martin telling us, Rhaegar wasn't given to fits of passion/lust that would send him to a brothel or say, lead him to abduct and rape a girl. Martin wants us to know that what Robert believes is the story, isn't.

That doesn't mean we're being told this is a love story though!

As more info about Rhaegar is revealed we find that learning something totally altered him, that he became wholly absorbed with the prophecy/his fate. His single-mindedness in pursuit of that meant he personally transformed from a bookworm to a warrior. That certainly leaves the door open for us to imagine he’d do other things, even bad things, outside his typical behavior.

So I’d say this is less about Ned’s feelings about Rhaegar, and more, the author trying to guide us in understanding him, telling us this guy wasn’t really distracted from his purpose. Of course it makes no sense for Ned to have that thought about a man if he believed that man kidnapped and repeatedly raped his sister. It really doesn’t. However, it does work as a hit that Robert's version of events isn’t the whole story. There are occasionally lines that I don't think fit the POV perfectly and seem more like the author inserting a thought which means I hesitate to read too much into Ned's feelings there. IMO, this is primarily something the author was wanting to impress upon as as foundation for a later revelation about Rhaegar wanting another child for his three heads of the dragon stuff.

But here's another Rhaegar mention in Ned's next chapter:

It would have to be his grandfather, for Jory's father was buried far to the south. Martyn Cassel had perished with the rest. Ned had pulled the tower down afterward, and used its bloody stones to build eight cairns upon the ridge. It was said that Rhaegar had named that place the tower of joy, but for Ned it was a bitter memory. They had been seven against three, yet only two had lived to ride away; Eddard Stark himself and the little crannogman, Howland Reed. He did not think it omened well that he should dream that dream again after so many years. (AGOT, Eddard X)

and when we pair it with this reference:

Robert had been jesting with Jon and old Lord Hunter as the prince circled the field after unhorsing Ser Barristan in the final tilt to claim the champion's crown. Ned remembered the moment when all the smiles died, when Prince Rhaegar Targaryen urged his horse past his own wife, the Dornish princess Elia Martell, to lay the queen of beauty's laurel in Lyanna's lap. He could see it still: a crown of winter roses, blue as frost.

Ned Stark reached out his hand to grasp the flowery crown, but beneath the pale blue petals the thorns lay hidden. He felt them clawing at his skin, sharp and cruel, saw the slow trickle of blood run down his fingers, and woke, trembling, in the dark. (AGOT, Eddard XV)

It is clear that there are victims to Rhaegar's actions, that other's suffer as a result of his choices, that these actions may have been pleasing to him "tower of joy," "urged his horse past his own wife," but we can read the horror in them, "for Ned it was a bitter memory," "all the smiles died."

So, even when I'm surprised at the lack of venom these men have for Rhaegar whose choices set everything into motion, and don’t think it makes sense for Ned to think of him as he does, even in the most Rhaegar-favorable reading of this we can come to, it isn't the case that we're meant to brush aside the cost of Rhaegar’s choices. It's simply that, I'm such a this or that person, I see the cost and decide Rahegar is trash, Martin is a this and that person. He can still sympathize, even finds some real tragedy (it seems) in the life/death of such a man. I mean, I still call scumbag, idiot, statutory rapist at a minimum, but I’m trying not to project.

Rhaegar could have had his reasons and believed what he was doing was right, but clearly, he was wrong. Wrong about the prophecy, wrong to prioritize chasing that rather than taking practical steps to protect the realm, wrong to implode a girl’s life when she was too young to understand all the ramifications or in a position to refuse his advances. And of course, wrong to humiliate Elia, wrong to betray a woman who had done nothing, nothing to deserve such treatment. Rhaegar was so so wrong to think that his unstable father would be able to hold everything he had fucked up together.

And yet, we have disinterest where we would expect hatred. I guess that’s why your last point is the one to hold onto:

I think grrm is hiding Rhaegar and Lyanna story for Jon parentage to not get reveal early.

Martin wants it to have impact with the reader when they finally get the confirmation of R+L=J, so everything Ned is permitted to think/feel is curtailed by what the author is willing/unwilling to divulge. That’s small comfort, but I’ll take it!

#ned stark #lyanna stark #anti rhaegar #dot chat #< tag to filter #we will not be discussing how old this ask is 🤫

[adelle-ein]

Nothing Supernatural Here: Lace’s not-very-nice AINI review/rant

ETA 01/04/23: WAY more people read this than I thought, so I went through and did a massive edit/cleanup. Fixed up the grammar and writing from “hasty rant” to “actually kind of a reasonable essay” level, threw in a few more details, and added some screenshots to break up the text chunks. Sorry it was such a mess, I didn’t proofread too much bc I genuinely didn’t think anyone was gonna read it :’)

When I finished watching AI: Nirvana Initiative on Youtube (because I could not afford to buy it, and I am happy every day that I did not dip into my grocery money to do so), I wrote a review. It was not a kind review. I hated the game and that very much shows. It seemed so harsh and mean when all the reviews were so glowing, when all my mutuals seemed to ADORE it, so I decided it was better to let this extremely mean review languish in the depths of my google drive forever.

I have now edited, added to, and completed this review, and decided to let it out. It is extremely long. Like, stupidly long. And I still left out a LOT of things I hated.

I am not being nice, I am not pulling punches. I think AINI is the worst video game sequel I have ever had the displeasure of knowing exists as well as the worst VN overall I have ever viewed in full. I have really nothing nice to say about it at all. So please know that going in, and also know that if you try to convince me the game is good, I am probably just going to laugh at you because believe me: I cannot be convinced. I have tried so hard to like this game. I cannot, and it is one of my most hated pieces of media ever. This whole review is much more “hate” than “criticism.” Anyway. You have been warned.

Spoilers for AINI and AITSF, of course. Bear in mind: AINI, even if you have spoiler toggle off, inherently spoils AITSF. You cannot discuss AINI in depth without spoiling AITSF. The pre-release press releases were lying.

CWs: All AINI-typical content is discussed, including suicide, death, parental neglect and abuse, et cetera.

PROLOGUE

Nothing sums up my loathing of AINI better than the story of Tokiko’s body. When you find her corpse while playing as Mizuki, it’s a very clear suicide scene. Her wrists were slit, she's part of a cult, she’s been discussing suicide and being sliced in half, the game makes it very clear she's been suicidal in the past, et cetera. And yet Aiba immediately announces, with no further explanation, that she “does not believe this was self-inflicted” aka "this was not a suicide." She provides no evidence whatsoever for this little conclusion (other than the would being “deep?”), but as the player, it would be logical to assume that this is meant to be a "I know what this looks like, and it isn't it, assume this was murder" from the writers to the player.

And then, much later on when the Big Reveals are coming out, it is revealed that Tokiko did in fact kill herself in that very spot, in exactly the way it looks. She slit her wrists and cut herself in half using the Very Realistic Machine because of her cult beliefs and underlying depression. It was a suicide, exactly what it looked like, all along. No further explanation is given. Aiba does not even acknowledge her lie/error.

Great writing, guys.

A good mystery misleads its audience. But, uh...that's not misleading the audience. That's just straight up telling a lie to pretend there's a mystery when there isn't one. It was in fact the thing it immediately appeared to be. I looked at an apple, AINI told me it was an orange, and then later was like “it’s an apple.” Not even “it was actually an apple all along,” just “it’s an apple.” And isn't that just straight up what AINI is about overall? Blatantly lying to the player to pretend it has any depth, mystery, or interesting content whatsoever?

PART ONE: THE TWIST

We all know The Big AINI Twist. At least, if you are reading this, I assume you do. Instead of two timelines, one featuring Ryuki in the past and one featuring Mizuki in the present, Side Ryuki and Side Mizuki are intertwined (like DNA, for some reason, which isn't even really relevant to the story's alleged themes other than its almighty biological superiority unlike those icky adopted families...actually wait, that probably is the point. oops. You And I Are Halves Of A Whole Let’s Go.) You've been going back and forth between past and present all along, playing either as Ryuki (past/present), Mizuki (present), or Mizuki Two-Only-Exists-To-Pull-Off-This-Twist (past.) Only "Jin's" body was found in halves six years apart. All other bodies were found in the past, minus Tokiko who was found in the present. There was no mystery at all. And knowing what the player does about Jin and Uru by this point, the rest can quickly and easily fall into place.

Particularly clumsy that they have to spell out the DNA thing, huh. Of course, the characters have known this all along. To sum up, the "mystery" in AINI is entirely based upon the player being told a lie right after starting the game that continues throughout the entire story. A lie that was only told to the player, not the characters. When the lie is revealed, the answer becomes obvious. As soon as you see the timeline you learn that there was in fact little to no mystery all along, the obvious answer is the real one, and the only reason you as the player didn't figure it out hours ago is because the game was lying to you (and only you - not the characters, which would, you know, actually require some real fucking writing.)

This is where the game fails. Everything in AINI happens to pull off this ridiculous and yet boring literal twist. This is why Bibi (while I can't have anything against a character who is just Mizuki Again as a person, god I loathe Bibi as a plot device and the fact that she exists) is a thing and why she is inexplicably exactly like Mizuki. This is why Ryuki, Amame, etc don't get timeskip designs. This is why Shoma doesn't age. This is why Date was shoved hastily off-screen. This is why the AI Balls have so many conveniently timed memory issues. This is why nobody experienced any significant development in six years. This is why character interactions feel clumsy and forced, such as why Shoma's feelings about his dad's death ping wildly back and forth (because sometimes it happened six years ago.) Everything in AINI - characters, pacing, gameplay, FUN - was sacrificed in the name of one big twist, and that twist isn't even good. It's boring. It retroactively ruins everything about the game. It serves zero purpose except to yell "gotcha!"

AITSF misled the player, leading you to suspect Renju, Iris, So, Date, Boss, Shoko, and Falco in turn and all at once (because, in a sense, it was all and none and each of them.) AINI, on the other hand, doesn’t mislead. It just...lies. To me, that isn't really fun or interesting. It doesn't impact the characters, it is utterly meaningless -- except for making the player think there was actually more to the plot than the obvious answer for several chapters. In the end, the real solution to the entire case was just the obvious, boring answer. Jin and Uru share body parts and Uru was Tearer. The only real reveal is that Amame killed Uru and moved Tokiko's body, but that comes far too little far too late (especially bc after a few genuinely good and heartfelt scenes with Mame, we go to the final battle scene which frankly reads worse than the Harry Potter fanfiction I was writing on the Scholastic kids’ forums at age eleven.)

Seriously though, as an aside, that final battle scene is so horrifically bad I feel like it deserves its own paragraph. Maybe multiple paragraphs. I mean, what can I say? There’s no real final boss, just nameless mooks (one has a red shirt on, wow!) It’s another boring fight scene with no fun or creativity using the AI Balls’ abilities, just “press Z to jump” Heavy Rain-ass QTEs. Using "there are only three AI Balls, and whoever doesn't have one just kinda sucks" as a plot device is stupid. Ryuki's "death" was stupid and really served no purpose at all. There’s even more of Mizuki and Date's relationship being completely discarded, and Aiba being weirdly cruel to them both. Somehow a prerecorded message is capable of predicting every single thing that happens because...reasons, I guess. Kizuna has a gun and yelled the fuck word for the screencappable moment. Wow. And I guess the mopeds can fly now?? Maybe that should have come up sooner?? Not to mention poor pacing and bad lag making the whole ordeal feel even longer. It sucks that this clusterfuck came right on the tail end of Amame's somnium, which pretty much the only story/character thing in the whole game I genuinely cared about and the best scene. But Mame was absolutely overshadowed by this trash fire (and a playable epilogue even worse than the first game’s, which I also hated ftr.)

Back to “The Twist,” I cannot describe how much I hate every choice that went into this nightmare. So many terrible, terrible decisions had to be made to make the timeline change work, and it shows. Just for starters, we have Mizuki's backstory being rewritten and flung out the window, we’ve got characters willfully acting very stupid about when things are happening and exchanging painfully awkward dialogue, and important and meaningful and emotional reactions and scenes are constantly being skipped — all in service of one twist. One twist that only matters to the player. The timelines being scrambled does not affect Mizuki or Ryuki or anyone else one iota, because they already know what order everything is happening in! They have nothing to discover, since they’ve known from the beginning, even if their dialogue is crafted to tiptoe around that fact. The entire thing is only for the player. Why does Mizuki apparently forget Date is missing after the first thirty seconds of the game and never express any care for him, Iris, etc ever again? Why are there two identical Mizukis who somehow decorated their moped identically despite completely different upbringings?? It’s all literally just so this twist can work, so that there can be two interchangeable Mizukis. Other characters have to behave identically in past and present, and other obstacles have to be safely out of the way. There is no other way for the twist to work, and none of these actively game-ruining elements serve any other purpose. The end result is that AINI is…so stupid. It doesn't feel like a story. It feels like a bunch of elements put together around a central twist. No character gets to be an actual character. They're all walking clues and nothing more, and their development is purposefully stunted so they can act the same way in past in present. It hurts Mizuki most of all, and as devotedmizukilover420, this is what makes the game unsalvageable to me. The two Mizukis might be the dumbest "clue"/element/twist of all, because the whole thing makes entirely zero sense with AITSF (or any kind of logic, really.) You're telling me that all along, Boss has been raising an adopted daughter named Mizuki who looks exactly like Mizuki and that just didn't impact AITSF at all? Mizuki was living with Boss and Saito left Hitomi tied to a bomb in Boss's house — so Mizuki 2 just...wasn't home and missed that? Didn't care that her mom went missing? Meanwhile, Boss is just keeping this secret all along bc she wanted a super secret agent who was loyal only to her or whatever? (see my thoughts below on AINI's hot anti-adoption agenda.) Yeah, sure, right. Not to mention, "AITSF/Classic Mizuki was adopted by the Okiuras" is also bullshit. Even putting aside the way it slam-dunks the message and themes of AI1 Mizuki route into the garbage. Okay, she coincidentally has Shoko's unique hair color and exact face shape, and Shoko recounts when she was a newborn and hated her stroller and wanted to be held all the time, and Renju makes a clumsy comparison between Shoko and captive animals who give birth….but the Okiuras adopted Mizuki when she was three and there's no genetic relation. Complete and utter bullshit, and character-hurting bullshit at that. But it’s a necessary twist to pull off the dual timelines because we need to be able to have an 18-y/o (identically dressed….) Mizuki running around six years ago. I wouldn’t mind this so much if it didn’t impact Mizuki’s character, and her AITSF route, so heavily, but...it does. It ruins everything. AINI just hates adoption so much that it had to wipe out the pro-adoption message from its predecessor too (I will get to all this in more detail later - there’s just so much to hate about this game!)

Gotta say though, bold move to have a clone character and have the game’s conclusion be “Yes, the two clones are exactly the same in every way, they don’t have independent identities, nothing about their lives or experiences shaped them in any way, they are literal halves of a whole with no differences between them, and they’re totally okay with that and have no negative feelings about it.” Don’t think I’ve ever seen a piece of media do that before. Because, well, it sucks. It’s silly and stupid and just awful, awful writing.

I'm sure all the Horidori Institute stuff was coined solely to pull off the timeline twist — including the two Mizukis, our Mizuki's new backstory/canon superpowers (also stupid and takes all the fun out of her cartoonish super strength - just let things be fun, AINI!), and everything with Shoma. That only adds to the way this game just feels like a singular house of cards with one sole goal, and that goal is "to lie about the timelines and then reveal it was a lie at the very end." It's not even cleverly obfuscated, you just have an incorrect timeline and then you get a correct one. The big reveal just being "Mama tells you bc she has supernatural powers now — than straight up says there's nothing supernatural about the case" doesn't help. There was no way to skillfully incorporate that so they just drop it. And then move on. Because in the end, like absolutely everything else, it doesn't matter. The final battle is pointless and has nothing to do with the rest of the game because every aspect of this game was built around a twist that has nothing to do with its characters. Even the killers were designed and created completely in service to this twist. And yet, despite all of that, no real time or effort is devoted to revealing the twist, it’s just hastily dropped and then abandoned for good. Even the writers don’t like the twist, I guess!

Now, gaze upon what I genuinely believe is the stupidest line in the entire game, and what sums up exactly why it fails.

That’s right! There’s nothing supernatural here! Nothing fun, interesting, or entertaining. Nothing characterful, nothing that adds meaning or development. It was all just a very straightforward lie. What, you expected better? You thought, after the last game harnessed a supernatural twist that developed and added to its world and characters, that this game would too? You thought in a world of exploring brains and dreams, machines that slice perfectly in half, magical suicide plagues, and bodyswapping, that there might be more to the story? You goddamn dumbass. The game knew that you would think that, and it laughs at and mocks you for it. You thought the writers put in actual effort? You thought they cared about the world they were creating? That was your idiotic mistake. How silly of you! The most straightforward, boring explanation was the correct one. Nothing supernatural here!

And that's...part one of four. I said this was long and I meant it.

PART TWO: THE CHARACTERS

Another big issue with AINI is that it has no idea if it's standalone or a sequel, and as a result, it utterly fails to be both. AITSF characters get no development in AINI, to avoid spoiling their game. But they aren't really playing any roles at all. They stick out like sore thumbs because they have no reason to be there. They get no real introduction. The new characters are shallow, sure, and they only exist to serve the Plot Twist, but they do exist and serve a purpose. Why the fuck was Hitomi even in this game for all of two scenes? This seems like it'd be really jarring for a standalone player, since they now need to keep track of like…ten potential suspects. Except they aren’t really meant to be suspects, and they actually don't matter to the game at all. So Sejima, for example, is being super suspicious, but we returning players all know he can’t be up to much of anything. How is a new player supposed to guess that? Meanwhile, even on "no-spoiler" mode, massive spoilers get dropped for AITSF. Character backstories, motivations, the connections between them — they’re either implied or stated outright. You're kinda not supposed to know a lot of this stuff going into AITSF and, well, if you play AINI first…you will. Even "Mizuki gets adopted by Date" is a spoiler and that isn't hidden at all, but that's by far one of the more minor things. This isn’t even touching on Date being in his Saito body and voice by inexplicably wearing a custom mask, which is not only bizarre but terrible, terrible character writing (though I give it a pass because it keeps DC Douglas out of this game.) The writers tried to have their cake and eat it too, and as a result they just set the whole cake on fire.

The cast feels completely flat. Tama and Ryuki fit right in with the classic crew…because they serve no purpose, play no real role, and develop in no way at all. Ryuki is always just kinda There, with nothing much to do but pine over Date, fail to solve mysteries, and act “crazy” until he gets magically cured at the end. All the new characters kinda feel like retreading old ground with tweaked personalities and designs. Kizuna is a less bombastic Iris -- she gets kidnapped a bunch and likes conspiracy theories and sings and dances. Her dad is the Morally Dubious Rich Dad Bad At Parenting With A Shifty Past...Gen is a diner owner hopelessly in love with a teenager...Bibi is literally Mizuki Again...etc. I'm not surprised the AI1 cast has pretty much nothing to do — considering this is meant to be a companion game that doesn't spoil AI1, they can't really do much with them. They can’t even be considered as murder suspects, obviously (minus Amame, who really isn’t a returning character at all.) But also it's really disappointing how shallow they all feel. Iris is like…at least 80% more manic pixie dream girl than usual. Iit's not even being offset by her tumor, or her faking, or Saito faking, so that's exhausting. Date is literally just standing around making porno mag jokes or having them made about him (and they ruined the funny part, which is Aiba repeatedly lying to him and him repeatedly falling for it. Instead he just yells PORNO MAG POWER and gets tougher which is just...so not remotely funny at all.) Mizuki feels like a passive side character in her own game. Ota and Moma still just perv on Iris and do nothing of substance, with even the better aspects of their character now cleanly wiped away to prevent having to do any actual writing. The cameos were shallow at best. Even for our alleged MCs - it felt like instead of actually having Mizuki, Date, etc, we just got pieces of cardboard with "Mizuki", "Date", etc written on them in crayon. Cheap imitations.

Meanwhile, the writers still hate women, so that's fantastic. Seriously, revealing last minute that actually Gen has a thing for Amame (an incredibly creepy and obsessive thing) while she sees him as a fucking FATHER FIGURE is absolutely disgusting, and ruined their entire route as well as Gen as a character for me. To these writers, every woman immediately becomes a sex object once they grow tits, so of course their male characters are the same way. This makes me really glad they tossed Date to the curb and he and Mizuki barely interacted, because I would be miserable if they ruined that relationship the way they ruined Falco and Iris and now Gen and Amame. Mizuki’s of age now, after all, so she’s officially a sex object! Similarly, starting off Kizuna and Lien's relationship with an age gap and stalking was a shitty call and ruins their whole storyline too, when it could have been really sweet. Lien can't mature as a person because it would spoil The Twist, and Kizuna just goes from "mostly not sad" to "sad all the time" as the entirety of her development, so that really only adds to how flat both their characters are. (Don’t get me started on her whole disability arc, which felt thrown in for brownie points at best and was terribly handled as usual.) Mizuki makes sex jokes now. which feels really creepy coming from a school-age teenager we’ve previously known as a twelve-year-old, comments on how cute and young she is a lot, and constantly whines about wanting a boyfriend. Aiba even complains about Mizuki being flat-chested?? There's maybe a little less of the perviness than there is in AITSF just bc Date isn't playable, but what there is feels very creepy. I’m not surprised they kept this aspect but damn, it still sucks.

The side ends - you know, the CHARACTER ends, where much of AITSF's best work shone - feel like they were just kinda thrown in because they're expected. They don't feel as finished as the endings in AITSF. Gen/Amame's was just all over the place (I'm not even clear on what HAPPENED in half of it, let alone why, and Uchikoshi has since said a bunch of weird lies about it being followed up on in a “third eye” on his twitter. I’m not even getting into that, but if you believe a word he says, I invite you to look into all the times he claimed Santa and Snake would make a comeback in ZTD, or how Alice’s legend from 999 would be relevant to VLR.) Kizuna/Lien just kinda randomly cuts off. Shoma/Komeji was something at least, but it was really short and premature. I don’t know if explosion really counts as an ending, but it sucked too — why would a new player care about a big rock falling on the guy who only exists to talk about porn and neglect and bicker with his daughter? Just because Ryuki's in love with him (maybe, sort of, it will never be made explicit canon)? Meanwhile, returning players know they wouldn’t kill Date off, plus he's been in his most basic boring form all game, so they have no reason to really care either. What is even the point of this ending? Kizuna is just there to become disabled so Lien can have someone to be obsessed with and sad about, and he's just there to pick locks. Mizuki losing her eye -- you know, the thing a serial killer did to her parents, including Date -- is an afterthought at best. Blah. If this is supposed to be the "annihilation" of AINI, it…really, really falls flat.

The game doesn't know if it's a sequel or not, and like I said, trying to both have and eat the cake means the cake just gets set on fire. Hitomi is here for two scenes with no significance and just bloats the cast (I am not even going to get started on how flat and lame her and Date’s relationship has become. Feeling super bad for anyone who shipped them.) Ota and Iris keep showing up just to kinda be stupid for a scene (seriously Iris is EXTREMELY dumb in this, something went really wrong with those nanomachines and they fried all her gray matter) and then they vanish again into the distance of No Purpose. Date is an insufferable ass who only cares about porn magazines, mentions them in every fucking scene, now yells "porno mag power" when he activates that power (OVER AND OVER IN ALMOST EVERY COMBAT SCENE HE'S IN) and treats Mizuki like shit. And poor, poor Mizuki gets it worst of all — she's still a snarky, kinda bratty, tough kid, but that's all she is now. All that love and devotion and determination and kindness and intelligence? Gone. If she cares too much about her loved ones or thinks about herself too much, she would be unique from Bibi and the twist would be spoiled, and heaven knows we can't have that. Aiba is the only character who feels like herself, and even she feels overly cruel to Mizuki sometimes (and Date often.) I don't know why a new player would feel any attachment to these characters, and as someone who did play and love aspects of AITSF, I just felt cheated. It would have been better to not include any of them at all than to have these crappy imitations. Meanwhile, "no AITSF spoiler mode" spoils a ton of shit. Just reveal a connection between Iris and So on "no spoiler" mode, why the fuck not? Reveal that Shoko was abusive, she and Renju both died, and Date adopted Mizuki? Mention Iris having a "condition" that is now "stable" in one throwaway line for no goddamn discernible reason??? The game does all this and more. On no spoiler mode!!!

This game unashamedly hates its characters. And thanks to that, so do I. It really is a shame. It’s the epitome of “flanderization” in one single game, but it’s for every character, over and over again.

This is easily the most-reposted screenshot I’ve seen from AINI, which...says a lot about the quality of its humor and the relevance of its returning cast IMO.

PART THREE: FUCK ADOPTION

This is the first piece of media since Once Upon A Time on ABC that presents the unique and controversial moral of "fuck adoption." All in order to make Mizuki have an older clone sister. For the Twist. The same reason we do everything around here. Mizuki’s parents can’t just be shitty parents. they must be shitty ADOPTIVE parents, because ADOPTIVE parents suck and don’t love their kids.

But don't worry guys. Because Mizuki and Bibi are clones. Therefore they are biologically related. Therefore they GENETICALLY love each other. By the end of the game, Mizuki and Bibi, despite having barely met, love each other desperately, are the most important people in one another's lives, are never seen apart from each other and treated as a singular character, and are literally Two Halves Of A Whole, Let's Go. Because, you know. They're sisters, but the GOOD kind, the BIOLOGICAL kind, the ONLY real kind.

Gag me.

I saw screenshots of Date and Mizuki doing "I'm home" / "Welcome back" after he returns and thought, well, at least I'll get thrown a few crumbs to lap off the floor. Nope. Aiba has to specifically prompt Date into saying "I'm home," saying that Mizuki wants to hear it. He begrudgingly does so, Mizuki responds...but then says she didn't want to do that anyway and they move back on to the all-important Plot. Ouch. I seriously don't know how Mizuki route came from the same team. Date and Mizuki are barely tolerating each other at best here. They actually showed a lot more affection on the AITSF B routes, which is insane since that’s the route where OTA calls Date out for being neglectful. Meanwhile, Boss uses Bibi as a special agent and keeps her very existence a secret. Kizuna's dad doesn't really seem to care about Bibi either despite having raised her for years, and prioritizes his bio daughter. And as the cherry on top...the Okiuras treated Mizuki like shit because she was adopted all along, of course! Adopted parents are evil and bad, right? And bio parents would never mistreat their bio children, right? Right. Who cares if this totally throws Mizuki's arc in AITSF out the window? Even Bibi and Kizuna's relationship is never really given focus once Bibi is revealed. Bibi only really cares about Mizuki. Her REAL sister. Because they are related and that is all that matters.

Even the villains love their biological son and will do lots of evil for him! Tokiko gives an entire speech about how much she loved her bio son even though she didn't raise him, to the point where she and her ex kidnapped a random child, groomed him into a cult, and gave his organs to her bio son. Kidnapped child meanwhile views her as his mom. On its own, I wouldn't think too much about it, but in conjunction with the Mizukis…this how adoption is treated in AINI. It is A Very Bad Thing. Adoptive parents do not love their children anymore. Both Mizukis go through two adoptive families and are treated badly or ignored by both, and this is just normal, I guess.

Also So suddenly seems to care about Iris, at least a little bit, despite his not giving a shit in AITSF. But, hey, they are biologically related....(I actually wouldn’t mind this if they like, did anything with it. But they don’t. Instead they totally destroy any depth So’s character ever had by making him a total horndog who runs around conceiving various serial killers. Wheee, the killer is the half-brother of the previous killer, and they are both the half-brothers of another character, because So can’t keep it in his pants. Seriously, what a stupid twist. Hilarious but stupid.)

The Komeji-Dois love each other and are very sweet. They are the only ones that seem to, though. Because blood. Genetics. DNA. As the only bio family with significant screentime, of course they actually love each other, right?

Also, side note, remember Ryuki's twin brother who died? He sure was significant huh :)

Part Four: Miscellany

The most baffling thing of all about how bad AINI is is its glowing reviews. Don’t get me wrong: people can like things I don’t. But the reviews I read were on so many occasions blatantly false. I saw claims that AINI has fewer or even NO dirty jokes, that it does not sexualize the 18 y/o characters, that Date and Mizuki’s relationship was explored more in-depth, that the game runs great on Switch, that the AI Vision lag was fixed, that spoilers are avoidable. All of these things are objective, and they were blatantly false. Every person I have talked to who played on Switch had lag and framerate issues even worse than the first game’s, and most of them reported at least one hard crash. AI Vision loading in high-res models is still a major issue that disrupts the game’s flow on lower-end consoles and PCs. Bibi’s mess of a Somnium just got its bugs patched a few days ago, in NOVEMBER, so you can actually play it without getting thirty game overs from touching unrelated objects. The dirty jokes are abundant and often about 18 y/o high schoolers (they even aged down Amame, which really wasn’t necessary at all - a 20 y/o and an 18 y/o can be friends, after all - just to keep her barely legal!) Date and Mizuki loathe each other. And “no spoiler mode” is, as discussed above, a fucking joke. I don’t know how this game of telephone got started or why so many big names lied in their reviews, but damn, it sure made the game even more disappointing when I realized that most of what I had read wasn’t even true. I have no idea why so many people who received review copies felt the need to lie. I have to assume they weren’t deliberate lies. But...how on earth could they have convinced themselves that this game no longer has dirty jokes? Or that there’s no lag, or bugs, or weird crashes? I get that Uchikoshi is funny and nice on Twitter, but we’re allowed to say negative things about his games!

And, on the note of Uchikoshi games, can we just say that the second time you come up with “disease that makes you kill yourself” it is less effective? Seriously, isn’t this just the same basic apocalypse plot as VLR/ZTD?? Why are we doing this again, it doesn’t work a second time!!!! aaaaaaargh

The quicktime events in this game suck so much. Just press a button to parkour. There’s no creativity, no unique use of Aiba/Tama’s abilities, no silly elaborate traps for the baddies or jokes or teamwork, just. Flip punch kick jump. Woo-hoo. The one time we do something vaguely creative it’s just exploding the damn porno vending machine and we already did that in the first game. AINI has no identity of its own.

Half To Whole is catchy but its lyrics suck. Gen/Amame BS AND Mame doesn’t get to sing. Most of the lyrics are random asides that don’t work with the characters or themes (but hey, Date, Ota, Mama, and Iris HAVE to sing about kappa catching, because it’s not like any of them got fuckall to do in the main game after all!) Mizukis whining about wanting boyfriends and singing in perfect harmony because they are not separate characters (and allegedly crying on the inside whenever they fight?? what??) Changing lyrics to make Ryuki sound straight (gay rights! Seriously why are we pretending Ryuki is gay representation??) It’s just an absolute trashfire. The only vaguely meaningful lyric is “Without you I am only half, I need to be whole” but even that one pisses me off, because it ties into the game’s ongoing weird idea that characters can only exist with one another, that they aren’t whole people alone. Especially the idea that Mizuki and Bibi are “two halves of a whole” - fuck you, they’re different people and they only just met! But no, they will never be independent people again. They don’t even get separate lines in the song outside of the first verse and otherwise harmonize everything (bless Mizuki’s VA for at least trying to give them different singing voices...). The one saving grace of an AI3 is that Bibi probably won’t get to be in it for spoiler purposes, so maybe Mizuki will get to do something without her (but probably not.)

In Conclusion (Fuck This Game)

AITSF felt like it constructed its character arcs, mystery, twists, lore, and gameplay all side by side to make one full story. AINI…only even bothered to have mystery, twists, and gameplay, and only the last one ends up working even remotely because so much was sacrificed for the mediocre twists. The big reveals of AITSF matter to the story and the characters, whereas the biggest twist in AINI has nothing to do with the game's universe and is just for the Frayer…then they do nothing with that concept anyway beyond a bonus ending. In the end, it's as flat and frankly soulless as everything else. So who cares?

My MOST hated thing about AINI is its "only biological family matters" thesis. My second most hated thing is how it takes a massive dump on every single character. And the third is how it just generally is an utter failure of a mystery with no depth whatsoever. I have always hated Bravely Second and held it up as an example of how to utterly fail a video game sequel, destroying the predecessor in the process. This game, however, is at least twice as terrible as Bravely Second. At least the aptly abbreviated BS did in fact manage to have some fun twists despite hating and flanderizing its entire cast; AINI couldn’t even pull that off. Calling it a cheap, forced cash grab the devs clearly never wanted to make still feels too generous. This game sucks.

TL;DR: AINI isn’t even half and will definitely never be whole.

#txt #aini spoilers #ainispoilers #aini // #aini critical #aini hate #aitsf // #that is the best i can do as far as tags i think #this will probably show up when people search aini but lbr #nothing i can do about that #and i need to have the spoiler tags on so #that's that #not expecting anyone to read this just. desperatelt want to get it off my chest

[antisocialxconstruct]

the aforementioned horny writing 👀 1.3k, as usual nothing explicit, mostly just me Maksim getting carried away with the guard dog metaphor

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Ilya’s been quiet.

It’s not an uncomfortable quiet, necessarily, but Maksim is still keenly aware of the fact that it’s out of character, and not being able to read them when they’re acting out of character still puts him just a bit on edge. He sets the manhunter down on the table in front of him, freshly cleaned and tested, and glances toward the chair on his right, expecting to find them engrossed in something on their tablet–only to start when he realizes their eyes are on him.

Their attention wasn’t on his face initially–on his hands, maybe–but they must have seen the flinch because they immediately meet his eye with an apologetic smile. They’re curled up with their feet tucked away underneath them, one arm thrown over the back of the chair with their head resting against their hand, looking miles more at ease in his apartment than he ever would have anticipated the first time they stepped foot in it. There’s something particular in their gaze that he can’t quite interpret. “Sorry, I was just thinking… something kind of funny,” they muse, drumming the fingers of their free hand against the back of the tablet, which lays otherwise forgotten on their lap. “Do you remember the first thing you ever did when we met?”

Maksim stares back for a moment before glancing aimlessly toward the floor as he thinks. He remembers the night they met. If pressed he could probably recall most of that first conversation, in broad strokes at least. But Ilya is clearly fishing for something specific, and he’s never particularly liked guessing games. “What do you mean?”

“I mean you walked into the bar, and within seconds of confirming I was the person you were looking for you saved me from getting cold-cocked by the guy behind me.”

“Oh.” Maksim snorts. “The guy I didn’t know you had been intentionally provoking when I got there.”

“So you do remember.” Ilya’s jagged canines are on full display as they grin. “Then I assume you also remember that not five minutes later you told me it wasn’t your job to protect me. I’m not your muscle were your words, I think.”

Maksim blinks, holding their gaze for a moment longer before the irony properly settles over him and a laugh bubbles up from his chest. “Well…” he shrugs. “I was born with telepathy, not future sight.”

“Hmm.” Ilya doesn’t immediately add more, just pins him with the same self-satisfied grin before he pulls his attention away from them to return the manhunter to its holster. As he’s tucking the cleaning kit away into its drawer beneath the table, he hears the chair creak as Ilya unfolds themself from it, and a moment later the couch cushion beside him dips slightly with their weight as they plant themself next to him instead. “You know what I think?” they say, and the honey creeping into their tone and the fingers they comb through his hair already have his mind sputtering to a halt, leaving him woefully unprepared for what they say next. “Maybe deep down, you always knew you were going to belong to me eventually.”

Maksim’s breath leaves him somewhere between a shuddering sigh and another embarrassed chuckle. It’s so easy to forget himself, where he was, what he was doing, when Ilya talks to him like that. Maybe he did know. Maybe he’d been waiting his whole life to belong to someone. To belong to them. His head is still bowed down slightly as Ilya’s hand lingers on the back of his neck, and he reaches up to lay his own over it. They’re not applying any pressure, they’re not keeping him stooped forward like that, but the weight of the contact feels pointed, impossible to ignore, calling to mind an image of…

“Maybe I was waiting for you to collar me.”

“Oh?”

Maksim doesn’t even fully register what he said until he registers the curiosity in Ilya’s response, and the mortification that arcs through him barely has a chance to find purchase before he feels them shift, feels the warmth of their body pressed against his as they rise up to their knees, feels their other hand snake around his throat to rest just beneath his jaw, coaxing him upright and his head back. They’ve brought his face close enough to theirs that when they breathe “is that what you want?” the words ghost across his lips, and if his thoughts hadn’t turned entirely to static he might have been able to hear the smile in their voice.

His hand slides down to close loosely around their wrist and he swallows, aware of the way his throat presses against the steady pressure of their palms on either side of it. He nods.

Ilya hums appreciatively. “You want me to keep you on a leash?” Their lips graze the corner of his mouth but the contact never quite becomes a kiss. Their voice has dipped into a register that feels downright dangerous, piercing through Maksim’s skull and down his spine to set his veins crackling with electricity. He lets his eyes flutter closed and he’s drowning in it. “You go where I go, do exactly what I say, never be allowed to stray out of my sight?”

The only immediate response Maksim can offer is a soft, desperate sound in the back of his throat as his breath quickens and his hand closes tighter around their wrist. Their grip on him hasn’t changed, but the steady, gentle consistency of it is making his head swim anyway. “I just want to know my place,” he breathes.

Ilya tsks softly, shifting their hand only enough to trace their thumb along the curve of his jaw. “Look at you,” they say, and he opens his eyes again to meet their gaze, bright and hungry as they take him in. What must they be seeing when they look at him, pliant and submissive in their hands, begging to be trained. Begging to be owned. “I think you already know your place, don’t you?”

He nods again, eager.

“Tell me.” Echoes of another conversation in another place, their roles reversed even as this, whatever this is, was just beginning to take shape.

“Here,” the answer tumbles from his lips without him even having to think about it. “Right here, right at your feet.”

There’s a momentary pause as Ilya searches his expression, their own shifting slightly but remaining unreadable as they tilt their head in consideration. Then they say, “no.” It’s gentle, without a hint of edge or genuine dissatisfaction, but it still jars Maksim back up to the surface of the reverie they’ve plunged him into. He shrinks into himself just a little, shoulders tense and grip on Ilya’s wrist slackening like he’s not sure that’s allowed anymore. He wasn’t ready to hear no. “That’s not where I’d expect a good dog to walk,” Ilya presses on, with a smile that’s tilting back toward playful now as they ease back onto their heels, forfeit that domineering little height advantage they had given themself. Their hands remain, but as they knit their fingers together over the back of Maksim’s neck it feels more like being held, less like restraint. “When I say heel, where do you stand?”

Maksim opens his mouth to offer a response, but it takes him a second to work past the mental image of Ilya commanding him to heel. Still, he thinks he understands. “At… at your side.”

Ilya beams. “That’s right,” they purr, and the momentary tension bleeds back out of Maksim. They lean in, let him wrap an arm around their waist, let their weight settle more firmly against him as they catch his lip between their teeth for just a second before finally gracing him with the kiss they’ve been teasing for much too long. “You’ll be exactly where I want you.”

#'nothing explicit' bc they're both ace but like... you know how it is. nothing chaste about it #ghost city #rom fiction #maksim girard #ilya kasharin #maksim literally like 'I want to be your dog- 😳 who said that' and then Ilya's just 👍👍👍 #joke's on him they can just use this to subtly train him into learning some self respect

[forgiveness-in-the-misery]

The ending of Dethcamp is super interesting because of the parallel between Magnus and Nathan and their relation to Toki.

Magnus literally saves Toki’s life and when Toki comes to he initially thinks that it’s Nathan standing over him, because Nathan has always been this brother/father figure in his life since he was a teenager, but instead it’s Magnus. This man he doesn’t really know well, but saved him.

Toki always has a habit of forming an immediate attachment people far too quickly over basically anything and he can just as quickly turn on people for the pettiest reasons, like bookklok or most episodes where he treats Murderface like shit.

The thing is as I said, Toki loves any gesture of affection or caring, anything that shows he is wanted by somebody. The episode opens though with him telling the band that the reason he’s going to this camp is solely to make friends because he doesn’t have any. Which visibly bothers the four of them, especially Nathan. The guys constantly through the show claim they aren’t friends and if you pay attention to Toki in a lot of those scenes especially early on in the show he becomes sad and a bit distressed looking when any of them say that. He does not know why they say this and they are his first real friends, they all behave as friends do, but say that they aren’t friends so being the youngest he assumes he read things wrong this whole time.

He does not know or understand the four of them say this and try to build emotional barriers because of their shared trauma relating to what Magnus did to them. They trusted him, he was their friend and they felt safe with him. Then Magnus became abusive and mean and then he stabbed Nathan and it hurt the four of them and made them scared of letting even each other in too much.

Toki doesn’t know any of this because most likely they just wanted Magnus to be brought up as little as humanly possible.

But the point is by Dethcamp Toki needs bigger acts to make him feel like somebody loves him and cares about him, small acts no longer mean as much to him.

Magnus saved him and because of that Toki doesn’t even pay any attention to Nathan who by instinct chases the asshole German kid into the woods to mutilate his hands because of the fact said German kid nearly killed Toki, but also broke his snow globe. The snow globe being a gesture of affection from Nathan.

Toki is too busy being proud of the fact he made a new friend, he doesn’t notice Nathan’s act of care which is protecting Toki.

The thing that is really specific is that Magnus doesn’t fucking care about Toki. Toki is a target; Magnus has waited years to have this moment and doesn’t know exactly what he should do with it, when Toki gets attacked Magnus does not save him because he cares. He saves him because he can’t die yet, not before Magnus can get his hands on him and make him feel the pain he has harbored for years now. His act is insidious and selfish and a prelude to the torture he will later inflict on this guy who put full trust and faith into him.

Nathan though is not Magnus, but he’s been hurt physically by Magnus. Nathan maybe didn’t get there in time to save Toki’s life but he got there in time to seriously injure the guy who nearly did kill him, because Nathan loves Toki. He protects him and looks after him and cares for him as if he is his baby brother.

I just find it really interesting.

#metalocalypse