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mcntsee · 20 days

Text

— ★ tomorrow

↳ summary: “I wasted all those yesterdays, and now,—“ His words trailed off with a sigh, his eyes red-rimmed from hours of tears shed in the hospital, his gaze blurry as it searched for her face, “—What if I am completely out of tomorrows?”

↳ warnings: hospitals, mentions of gunshot wounds, pain, regret, not proof-read. No use of “y/n”

↳ author’s note: This is fluff, I promise the end is really sweet! This is also inspired by different, random, pinterest quotes my friends sent me. Enjoy!

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No one enjoyed hospitals. The colors lacked vibrancy, the sounds became repetitive after a few minutes, the antiseptic smell was overpowering, the food tasted bland, and the anxious wait for news about a loved one was excruciating.

Unfortunately, the team was all too familiar with hospital waiting rooms, and even more unfortunate was their familiarity with being patients themselves.

Thankfully, the Federal Employees' Compensation Act provided some relief. Without it, they couldn't even begin to fathom the astronomical medical bills they'd be facing.

Tonight, however, finding themselves stuck in the uncomfortable chairs of the hospital waiting room had not been part of their plans.

The young genius's head throbbed relentlessly, a sensation he'd endured for weeks. The unimaginable pressure around his entire head, compounded with the bright light reflecting off the hospital's shiny white walls, the incessant beeping and the sounds of loved ones crying doing nothing other than intensify his discomfort.

The nurse they had bombarded with questions upon arrival had emerged not long ago to thankfully inform them that everything was alright. The surgery had gone well, and she was now in recovery. Soon enough, if they wished, they could stop by her new temporary room and visit her.

By now, most of the team had returned to the office. Hotch had been called back to work to tackle the pending files on their desks. Fortunately, he had allowed Rossi and Reid to remain behind. Ostensibly, their task was to update the team on her condition, but both of them understood that even if that hadn’t been necessary, there was no force on earth that could have budged Spencer from his spot, where he had been stationed for the last however many hours.

Spencer could feel David's gaze piercing through him. He wanted to snap at him, but he knew his current behavior had undoubtedly attracted more attention than just the older agent's. Clutching at his head, tugging on strands of hair intermittently, his leg bouncing up and down, with eyes tightly shut—his agitation was palpable.

“Kid, they said she’s alright. You need to relax.”

It was true, they had been told that, but it did little to reassure him. His mind raced through various worst-case scenarios. Her wound could become infected, or there might be undetected damage to internal organs. He fretted over potential complications like inflammation of the peritoneum, the formation of blood clots, or even damage to blood vessels leading to reduced blood flow to vital organs, potentially resulting in organ dysfunction or failure.

“The survival rate might seem high, but statistically speaking, complications can arise, even with the best medical care.”

“Spencer—“

“For instance, studies have shown that gunshot wounds to the abdomen carry a significant risk of infection, with rates as high as 20%. And there’s the possibility of peritonitis, which occurs in approximately 10% of cases.”

“Kid—“

“Organ damage is also a concern, particularly with injuries to vital organs like the liver or intestines. Even with the most advanced treatments—“

“Reid!”

For the first time since he sat down, his leg ceased its relentless movement. His hand, which had been tugging at the ends of his hair, relaxed and dropped to his lap, along with the hand he had been waving in the air to explain the statistics. His eyes unclenched, the worry in his brow disappearing as the rest of his facial muscles relaxed.

“What is going on, Spencer?”

The genius's eyes met the older agent's worried gaze with deliberate blinks, adjusting to the harsh fluorescent lights overhead while tuning out the cacophony of noise that surrounded them. “I just— I”

“I never told her and I— I don’t— “ His breathing was uneven, his words tumbling out faster than his mind could keep pace, his mouth struggling to articulate as his chest constricted with anxiety.

A gentle weight settled on his shoulder, its warmth grounding him as it gave a light shake, bringing him back to the present moment and prompting him to pause and take a breath.

“Rossi I- I devoted half my time since meeting her to loving her, only to spend the other half hiding it from her.”

With a sigh, the formerly retired agent settled down next to the much younger agent, his hands staying on the genius's shoulder as he shifted slightly to find a comfortable position.

Reid's gaze lingered on Rossi's face for a moment before he averted it, focusing instead on the bustling activity in the hallway where nurses and doctors hurried back and forth attending to patients.

“Every moment we shared, every laugh, every smile she graced me with, even in her unconscious gestures—“ His gaze returned to the hallway momentarily before lowering to where his hands rested on his knees. With a quick, almost imperceptible shake of his head, he cleared his throat. “Every time I looked at her, the words swelled in my throat. I longed to tell her how much she truly means to me, the happiness and peace she effortlessly brings into my world.”

“To tell her that I love her. That I have for a while now.”

David’s mouth opened, but before he could utter a word, Spencer's pointer finger shot up in the air, silencing any impending speech. It hovered there for a brief moment before his whole palm opened, effectively halting whatever words David had intended to say and then dropping back down to his lap.

“Every single time, I held back. I stopped myself from reaching out to her, from letting my true feelings spill out, from whispering all the things I desperately wished she knew.” His words cracked along with his voice as he, for the first time, admitted aloud feelings he had hidden for so long. “And with my heart pounding in my ears, I always just watched her, silently promising myself, ‘Tomorrow. I’ll tell her tomorrow.’”

“I wasted all those yesterdays, and now,—“ His words trailed off with a sigh that escaped his lips, his eyes red-rimmed from hours of tears shed in the hospital, his gaze blurry as it searched for the older man’s face, “—What if I am completely out of tomorrows?”

They sat in silence for a moment, the weight of Spencer's admission hanging between them until the ringing of a phone shattered the stillness. With a sigh, Rossi reached into his pocket, retrieving the vibrating phone and glancing at the contact name.

“She’ll be okay, kid.”

With one final, reassuring squeeze to his shoulder, the older man rose to his feet, his knee cracking audibly as he turned to leave. Despite his efforts at reassurance, Spencer's profound anxiety remained largely unchanged.

He felt utterly helpless, his mind desperately grasping for solutions, for the comforting embrace of statistical analysis with its reassuring numbers. But instead, there was only silence. For the first time in his life, his mind was empty, devoid of answers, devoid of the usual cacophony of thoughts and calculations.

He couldn't recall the moment the nurse returned to inform him that he could visit her, nor did he remember following the nurse into the room and settling down beside her bed.

He cast restless glances around the room, his eyes darting from one piece of medical equipment to another, then flitting to the walls and ceiling. His gaze moved incessantly, pausing only briefly before moving on, taking in every detail. Except for her.

Alone in the quiet with her, he couldn't bring himself to meet her frame. To look at her now would make everything feel too real, and his heart was already heavy with pain.

His body felt like it was betraying him. Breathing became labored, thoughts fragmented, and the pain in his heart seemed insurmountable.

He wanted to tell someone— no, he wanted to tell her, but he knew she wouldn’t have a solution like she always did. So he sat there, his hands nervously tugging at strands of hair, eyes squeezed shut against the overwhelming cacophony of beeping machines surrounding them.

His heart weighed heavily in his chest, burdened by the weight of pain, regret, and fear. It was a sensation he never wanted to experience again, a darkness that threatened to engulf him entirely.

Throughout the night, nurses came and went. Some spoke to him, gave him updates on her condition but he didn’t listen. He tried, he just couldn’t understand it.

As the first light of dawn crept over the horizon, he reluctantly turned his gaze toward her bed. His eyes lingered on her hand, once so delicate and warm in his, now adorned with tubes and wires connecting her to different machines.

With a heavy sigh, his eyes remained fixed on her hand as he leaned forward, feeling the strain in his back from hours of immobility. With gentle care, he reached out and clasped her hand in his, his thumb tracing soothing circles over the back of it, mindful of the wires and tubes.

He remained still for a moment, relishing the warmth of her hand in his before allowing his gaze to travel up her arm, eyes tracing the patterns of the thin, cream-colored blanket that draped over her midsection when they got there. Then, his gaze shifted to her other arm, positioned protectively over her stomach where the wound lay, as if guarding it from further harm.

He studied the blue hospital gown draped over her body, its hue accentuating the sickly paleness of her skin. He traced every curve, every wrinkle, every wire, everything until his eyes finally met her bruised face.

She looked so peaceful and beautiful, devoid of worry. The furrows that typically marked her brow now absent, her closed eyes darting beneath her lids.

Tears welled in his eyes, the overwhelming emotions washing over him as he gazed upon her form. There was no smile, no gentle words escaping her lips, just a faintly parted mouth and serene countenance.

“Please wake up.” he whispered, his voice raspy from not being used in hours. “Please.” The desperation in his voice was evident in the way it cracked, in the way his chest tightened, in the way his throat constricted.

But she didn’t. Not for two weeks.

The medics reassured the team that she was showing positive signs and was going to be fine. They explained that in cases of severe internal bleeding within the abdominal cavity, it was common for patients to take longer to regain consciousness. "Sometimes, this can lead to hypovolemic shock and reduced blood flow to vital organs, including the brain," said the doctor they were currently questioning, one arm cradling a notepad against his chest while the other gestured towards her on the hospital bed, "which contributes to the prolonged unconsciousness she's experiencing."

Once the team's questions were answered, the doctor turned towards the door, his pen moving rapidly across the notepad as he scribbled something down. Upon reaching the door, he paused, pivoting back to face them. "While I can't predict the exact timeline for her awakening, I want to reassure you that we're doing everything we can to support her recovery." Tucking his pen back into his chest pocket, he scanned the room, meeting each person's gaze before lingering on on the genius’.

"Every individual responds differently to trauma and surgery, and it's not uncommon for patients to take some time to regain consciousness," he said, his tone gentle and reassuring, his kind smile directed at Spencer. "However, I want to emphasize that she's showing positive signs of progress, and her body is responding well to treatment. She should be waking up soon." With a final nod in the genius’ direction, he opened the door and disappeared into the flow of medical staff and patients outside her room.

The doctor's reassuring words and comforting demeanor provided Spencer with a small sense of relief.

As the days stretched on, nearing the two-week mark since her surgery, Spencer's exhaustion was becoming more evident. Dark circles underlined his eyes, his hair unkempt, and he felt the weight of fatigue settling into his bones. Sitting by her bedside day after day had taken its toll, leaving him feeling drained and with a sore backside.

It wasn’t until night, when he was alone with her again that he made a promise. “If you wake up tomorrow, I promise—“ He delicately released her hand, curling his fingers into a fist before extending his pinky finger to link with hers. “I pinky promise,” he whispered, a soft, trembling laugh escaping his lips as he recalled her insistence that a promise was only truly binding if sealed with a pinky. “If you wake up tomorrow, I’ll tell you everything.”

He had made up his mind days ago, swearing to himself that the moment she regained consciousness, he would lay everything bare. He hoped that verbalizing the promise would somehow penetrate her unconsciousness and draw her back to him.

As the night wore on and the room bathed in the soft glow of predawn, his senses awakened to a subtle movement near his head, his mind clouded with confusion as he remained still, trying to grasp his surroundings.

He found himself in a hazy state, unable to pinpoint the exact moment sleep had claimed him, yet the sensation of their linked pinkies lingered, his other hand placed gently on her leg, while his head rested on the bed.

It wasn’t until he felt his pinky being squeezed that Spencer’s senses sharpened, his back straightening with a crack as his eyes snapped into focus on her. The familiar furrow returned to her brow as she squeezed her eyes shut, her free hand instinctively reaching up to rub at her forehead.

His breath caught in his throat, his body frozen as he stared at her, his heart pounding loudly in his ears.

“Spence?”

Her voice was raspy, her tone confused as her eyes opened and scanned the room. Without hesitation, he rose from his seat, hands releasing hers as he hurried to the table with the water bottles. He swiftly grabbed one, unscrewing the cap as he returned to her side.

She struggled to lift herself up on her elbows, her eyes tracking his movements, fixated on the open water bottle as he presented it to her. With a gentle nod from her, he brought the bottle closer, tipping it carefully as it reached her parched lips, his other hand positioned beneath her chin, ready to catch any droplets that might escape.

After consuming almost half of the bottle, she gently pushed it away from her lips, taking a moment to swallow the last gulp before lying back down.

He remained in a state of shock, his mind racing faster than it had in weeks, attempting to process the moment as he observed her shifting, striving to find a comfortable position.

“Spence?”

“You—” he began, his words trailing off as he struggled to articulate his thoughts. “You are awake.”

At his words, a gentle smile, the one he had longed to see for weeks, graced her lips. She nodded in acknowledgment as she looked at him. Without hesitation, he moved forward, enveloping her in a tight embrace, being careful not to hurt her. "You're awake," he whispered softly, his face nuzzling into her neck.

He knew he was supposed to call a nurse in —something the staff had reminded him of repeatedly— , but in that moment, he couldn’t bear to let her go. So, he held her tighter, his arms enveloping her as if protecting her from everything, his hand gently cradling the back of her head, thumb tracing soothing circles as he drew her closer.

They stayed like that for what felt like an eternity before he released her from his embrace, his body reluctantly withdrawing from her warmth. His hands remained, tenderly cupping her face as he gazed into her eyes, memorizing every detail of her being.

"I have to tell you something," he whispered, gently tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. The familiar nerves and doubt flooded back, causing his heart to race so fast that he knew that if he had been the one hooked up to the machines, medics would have surely burst into the room thinking someone was having a heart attack.

He hesitated, his eyes lingering on her face, absorbing every detail illuminated by the gentle glow of the sun filtering into the room.

In his hesitation, his mind revisited every memory he shared with her. He recalled the moments he wanted to confess but held back, as well as his conversation with Rossi. Then, the memory of their pinky promise last night resurfaced, reminding him of his commitment. He couldn’t break a pinky promise.

“Spencer?”

“I love you.” There. He said it. His gaze lowered in fear of rejection, the nerves in his stomach growing, but he kept going, he had to. “I am so unimaginably in love with you.”

“Spencer—“

“No, I need—“ he paused, his eyes brimming with unshed tears, gazing still fixated downward as he cleared his throat from the imaginary knot that was beginning to form there. “I need you to know that every time you smile, every time you laugh, every time you talk to me, it’s like my whole world lights up.”

“And when you look at me, it’s like everything else fades away, and there’s just you.” With a deep inhale, he squeezed his eyes shut, colors swirling behind his eyelids from the pressure, before slowly exhaling and looking up to meet her gaze. “I can’t even scientifically explain how you make me feel. There is no book, or research article that explains what you make me feel.”

One of his hands left her face, gesturing through the air as he attempted to explain everything without the safety net of statistical knowledge. “Every time I’m near you, it’s like my heart speeds up so much that, scientifically speaking, I should be dead.” The quiet chuckle that escaped her lips reached his ears, easing the tight lines on his forehead as his lips formed into a gentle smile. “But it doesn’t matter, because being near you makes me feel more alive than I’ve ever felt before.”

“Every little thing you do, it just… it makes me fall more and more in love with you.”

“God, I’ve loved you for so long.” His hand halted its relentless movement and lowered to push the hair out of his eyes before running down his face with a grunt of frustration.

"I've fought multiple inner battles trying to tell you how I feel, only to back down at the last minute, silently promising myself that I would do it the next day."

Her eyes softened at his words, her lips pulling into a sad smile as his remained parted, eyes teary as they left her gaze and focused on his lap. “And then you got shot and I—“ The memories of everything that happened in the last two weeks rushing back to him. "I thought I had run out of next days.”

Her hand, which had been holding his against her cheek, shifted gently, cupping his cheek and wiping away the tear that had managed to escape his eyes.

With a sigh, he looked up to meet her eyes again, his own free hand coming up to hold the hand she now had on his cheek. He leaned into her touch, his head resting against her hand as she rubbed soothing circles against the stubble that had appeared after weeks of not shaving. “I adore you.”

His face inched closer to hers, resting his forehead against hers. "I’m fine with whatever you want as long as I'm able to have you in my life," he whispered, his warm breath brushing against her skin. "I love you so, so much. Always." With that, their foreheads separated and his lips moved up to plant a gentle kiss on her forehead.

The room fell silent, his words hanging in the air as she processed them. After another second, Spencer moved, standing up and letting her know that he was going to go get a nurse before quickly disappearing.

The nurses flooded her room with warmth and care, each one exuding kindness as they attended to her needs, explaining her situation, answering questions, and expressing relief that she was recovering well.

Spencer stood patiently by the door, his shoulder leaning against the frame as he observed the nurses with gratitude, thanking them as they left after ensuring everything was in order.

As the last nurse made her way to the door, she slowed her footsteps, casting a reassuring smile at Spencer. “I told you she’d be alright, sweetheart,” she said with a gentle tone.

Marisa, the lovely old nurse, had not only been concerned about his best friend’s well-being but also his. The genius could confidently say that, had it not been for Marisa, he probably would’ve starved in that hospital chair.

She would often stop by during her morning shift, offering reassurance that she would be alright, often bending a few hospital rules to make Spencer more comfortable, providing him with the comfiest blankets, or allowing him to take showers in the bedroom’s bathroom so he wouldn’t have to leave her side.

She also insisted on him taking breaks to get some fresh air, eat proper meals, and change his clothes, assuring him that if anything happened, she would call him immediately.

With a comforting squeeze to his arm, the nurse left, closing the door gently behind her and leaving the two of them alone in the room.

As he settled back into the familiar chair, their eyes met once more, exchanging a silent understanding. They sat in comfortable silence for a while, relishing each other's presence. Eventually, Spencer broke the quietude. "I should call the team," he suggested softly.

He rose from the chair, his hand diving into his pocket to retrieve his phone. With his back turned to her, he scrolled through his contacts, his foot shifting slightly as he prepared to step away.

Before he could get far, his movements halted by the touch of her hand on his arm, he lowered his phone and turned back to her, meeting her gaze with curiosity. "Wait," she said softly. With a nod, he returned his phone to his pocket, yielding to her gentle tug until he found himself seated by her side on the bed.

A grunt of discomfort escaped her lips as she struggled to sit up, reaching out for his hand for support. Once she was upright, she shifted closer to him. “What are- oomf—“ before he could finish, his question was cut off by the sudden press of her lips against his, her hands gripping the back of his head.

His body momentarily stiffened, eyes widening in surprise as he tried to process what was happening. When it finally clicked, the initial shock turned into a gentle surrender as he closed his eyes, allowing himself to be swept away by the warmth of her lips against his.

With a soft exhale, his hand instinctively rose to caress her cheek, pulling her face even closer to his and deepening the kiss.

If he had ever believed his heart couldn’t beat any faster than when in her presence, he stood corrected. Now, he was certain he was experiencing a heart attack.

His lips moved against hers so perfectly, as if they had kissed a thousand times before, as if their souls recognized each other instantly.

It was perfect, not because it was flawless, but because it felt so real.

He never wanted to stop; her lips were addicting, but when his lungs screamed at him for air, he reluctantly pulled his lips away from hers, resting his forehead against hers as they caught their breath.

“I love you too, Spencer.”

His head jerked back, eyes wide open as he looked at her, scanning her expression, looking for any hint that she was lying, only to find honesty shining through her eyes.

With a laugh, she took his face back in her hands, pulling him closer and pressing a quick kiss to his lips. “You have, and will always be the one my heart searches for in a world full of everyone else.”

With a toothy smile, he pulled her lips back to his, chuckling inwardly, as their lips met, acknowledging that if he thought he reached the peak before, he was mistaken again. His heart was racing faster than ever before. A heart attack of a different kind.

A heart attack that he’d gladly experience a million times more.

#spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x you #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid fluff #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds #fanfiction #fluff

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thebibliosphere · 9 months

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I got my biopsy results today. The good news is there's no new or unknown disease wrecking my insides.

The bad news is it's most likely my MCAS burning down my GI tract.

I say "likely" because the GI doctor had the humility to admit the medical world doesn't know enough (yet) about conditions like MCAS to say for sure, only that the areas biopsied showed elevated numbers of mast cells and that the inflammation and damage are consistent with mast cell dysfunction.

I got to watch in real-time as the GI doctor added the mast cell stabilizers to my regimen of meds, the exact ones the allergist denied me 3 years ago because he said I needed psych treatment and was mistaking anxiety for anaphylaxis because I 'googled too many things.'

Part of me hopes the allergist gets notified and chokes to death on eating crow. A larger part of me is just relieved it happened before I developed internal bleeding or cancer.

Anyway. We're testing new meds soon to try and bring down my base inflammation to something lower than "my insides literally feel like they're burning."

I'm also starting even more supplements to try and combat the mass deficiencies likely being caused by the MCAS inflammation. I've been told to take twice the daily recommended amount of pre-natal supplements on top of my existing regimen, and if that fails, they'll start infusions. (The hope is that my stomach isn't so far gone that oral meds won't help, so fingers crossed.)

Apparently, this is the year we finally stop my gradual death from malnutrition for good. Well, better late than never, I guess.

#chronic health tag #mcas #I'm trying not to be angry #or ill wish the allergist #but I'd be lying if I said I'm not wishing devastating bodily harm on him right now #hmm #probably something for therapy

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ravencincaide · 7 months

Text

When you assume you make an ‘ass’ out of me and you

Summary: Finding out you’re pregnant, you decide to end things over text. Too bad Chuuya and Dazai were NOT buying your poor excuses. Or the time you made them very happy.

Pairing: preg! Reader x Dazai x Chuuya

Inspired by Sweetober prompt 5: Embracing

Warnings: pregnancy, cursing, hint at (kinky) intimacy,

Enjoy ~

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You were feeling like shit. And that was a huge statement considering that you had only ever taken a handful of sick days; turning up to work despite broken bones, staples keeping your skin somewhat together and internal bleeding. Cold was a minor inconvenience and sprained muscles could be forced to function. Ear inflammation was harder but still doable. After all, your job wasn’t all about active field work. A lot of it was information checking online, monitoring people or groups activities through other teams reports or keeping an eye on bank data so your team was within its budget for missions, leisure or other necessities. Damn, it was a miracle how you managed to fix it the last budging year when you had two subordinates who were the definition of shooting maniacs, one chronic alcoholic, and an illiterate clutz who could never find receipts or who somehow switched up numbers in their reports to the point of giving you a heart attack.

Thereby being away even for a day not only risked your office becoming a shooting range, no work being done, missions delayed however, most importantly, your steady tower of paperwork growing into an unmanageable city. You were on your second week away from the office, with no real prognosis for when you’d feel well enough to be back. And you were dreading going back.

Your boss has turned up a few days prior, had taken a thirty second look at you before you ran to the bathroom throwing up and had essentially three things to say to you while you were hugging the porcelain pony:

“ If it’s a stomach bug, get it cured before you even think about entering the office. If you’re pregnant-” the words had made your head snap up in total shock at a possibility you hadn’t even considered. Seeing as your boss brought it up, clearly she thought that you might be. Maybe not that shocking given that you were fucking more than average “ and want an abortion then hurry up and get it done before its too late. And see you in the office at the end of the month.” You could practically feel the warning look from your boss through the heavy wooden door, threatening you not to sweep this issue under the carpet and to keep her updated. “ If you intend to keep it then get your prenatals in order and see you in three years.” With those words she, being the ever caring friend she was, dropped two packets of pregnancy tests on your desk before leaving you alone.

When the results came back positive it was not necessarily a shocker. What surprised you more was that the nauseous feeling came as spontaneously as it did and how tired you felt most days. How exhausted thinking, or in your case overthinking, made you. It felt as if that little test, or five, somehow made you grow up overnight. From a carefree young adult doing whatever you wanted, missions, drinking or wild kinky sex you were suddenly expected within the next nine months to become a mother. A responsible and caring adult that would make yourself, your children and your own parents proud. You didn’t know if you were going to succeed with that but you were damn determined to give your baby the best childhood and care you could. And step one in that equation was to remove people out of your life who did not want a serious relationship with you or were interested in raising a baby together. You did not need forced commitment or alimony; what you needed was a partner and a father to your child. And since you were certain your lovers were not up to the role, you were certain you’d do a much better job alone by yourself- as always!

Still you never expected you would become the kind of trashy person who’d end things over text. You couldn’t understand how people could do it; either talk to the person you want to break up with or do a Dazai and just ghost. This felt too much like attachment issues wrapped in apology for you. Knowing you were already gonna earn a place in hell for it, you typed up a message that you were certain they’d hate you for. Which was perfect in your mind, if you were shooting yourself in the foot by breaking up with two executives who outranked you and your boss by a mile then the least you could do was make sure they wouldn’t unnecessarily seek you out. You’d deal with their revenge on you when you got back from parental leave.

Thus when the sound of pounding on your door came many hours later you were certain it was your boss again. Either to scold you for the extra workload she got from her bosses thanks to yours truly or to kidnap you to the hospital. Dragging yourself out of bed with a groan you quickly ran a brush through your hair for a more presentable appearance. Giving up on changing out of the t-shirt and shorts you headed for the door, opening it absentmindedly. Too late you realized you should have checked who it was.

“ What the hell are you two doing here?” You asked, making your meanest look as you crossed your arms over your chest. You were certain it looked more like a chihuahua barking at a rottweiler than anything threatening.

“ Checking if it’s a hostage situation, Bella” You gaped as Chuuya and Dazai brushed past you. Your dark haired ex-lover making his way to your bedroom, hand on the hilt of his gun. Before you could stop him, Chuuya, who was still lingering in the doorway, forced your attention by sticking his phone into your face with your textmessage pulled up on the screen.

Thank you for this time, I’ve found a better dick. No hard feelings.

“ What is this damned thing?” He asked, his voice far above the usual caring and loving tone he’d use with you.

“ What does it look like?” You raised your hand and studied the chipped manicure on your nails no longer able to stand the angry and hurt expression on his face. “ I’m breaking up with you, duh.”

“ Heeh what the hell do you mean by that Y/N? Better dick?” He took a step closer to you, his expression growing darker by the second “ We all know you’re a slut for us, ready to let us do whatever we want to you so stop lying and spit out what’s really going on.” he was gripping your arms tightly. When you refused to look at him he gave you a rough shake in warning.

“ What the hell-” you caught your exclamation that ‘it hurts’ knowing that it was exactly what he was going for at that moment. “ It’s as I said, I found someone new”

“ How long?!” he didn’t yell but somehow that made it even worse. When you didn’t reply immediately he shook you again “ And what’s so great about this supposed new person.”

You felt your eyes sting and closed them for a moment, taking a deep breath to steady your nerves. Your next sentence was a hit below the belt; “ They’re actually sweet and caring towards me. Not just after sex.”

“ Sweetheart-” the look on Chuuya’s face was as if you had slapped him, the arguments caught in his throat.

You looked away from him, shaking his hands off your shoulders. Your heart was tearing itself in your ribcage, Begging you to stop this nonsense. But you wouldn’t- you couldn’t. You needed to protect the child in your tummy, to shelter them from the constant fighting, every other week visitation, jealousy and screaming. You needed to prevent them from becoming a pawn in a game called ‘hurt the other parent more’.

“ Sweetheart, do you really believe that-?” Chuuya asked carefully.

“ -Or is it just that you are pregnant Y/N?” Dazai’s question made you jump, your head snapping in his direction. You could see him leaning against the doorway, an unreadable expression on his face. Damn you hated it when he did that.

“ I don’t know what you’re talking about '' you lied, back to crossing your arms over your chest. “ I’m done with this conversation so please get out.”

“ Come on Y/N the cats out of the bag now” Dazai looked almost too pleased with himself as he held up the pregnancy test he had fished out of the trashcan.

You felt the colour drain from your face. Your mouth opening and closing as your mind raced between forcing them out of your apartment and lying about it, again.

“ Is it a false positive?” Chuuya asked cautiously, eyeing the brunette.

“ There are five more in there,” Dazai shrugged, silently telling him to draw his own conclusions, as he took a step towards you. You cursed yourself for not taking the trash out sooner.

“ Is it ours?” The question made you hang your head in defeat. “ Belladonna is it-” Dazai growled in warning.

“ Yes” you breathed. You could feel them sharing a look of utter confusion between each other over your head.

“ Darlin, then why the charades?”

“ Because you wouldn’t want it!” you screamed at the top of your lungs “ and I- we don’t need a partner out of obligation.”

Silence lingered in your apartment for a few long moments. You wrapped your arms around yourself. You just wanted them to stop making this harder on you than it already was. Now that they knew the reason for all this, you prayed they wouldn’t cause any more hassle and just silently walk out of the apartment. That they’d walk out of your life and leave you alone. Without any fighting, pity or compromises. Just go, you pleaded silently, before you’d find yourself regretting your decision.

“ You assumed we wouldn’t want it,” Chuuya corrected you. You raised your head finally facing your lover, ready to scream at him- them to get out. The scream never made it past your lips, his expressing killing any arguments you had left; you had expected distress or anger on his face, maybe sadness or guilt but all you could see was a bright happy smile. “ And when you assume something you make an ‘ass’ out of me and you. Now come here my sweetheart” he spread his arms out beckoning you for a hug.

You had never seen that expression on Chuuya’s face. It was as if you had gifted him the sun and moon on a silver platter. You felt all fight fading out of your body, leaving behind just tiredness and longing for his warm embrace.Cautiously you came up to him, breathing a sigh of relief as he hugged you close yet gently to his body, burying his face in your shoulder. “ Oh sweets you’re gonna be a mother- I’m gonna be a father!”

“ Or uncle” Dazai added unable to stop himself from pushing Chuuya’s buttons“ You’re so cute Chuuya ready to be a dad to my kids”

“ Shut it mackerel” Chuuya muttered “ You’re just jealous she’s hugging me.”

“ And you’re just denying the undeniable”

Chuuya growled in reply before biting back the anger, turning his attention towards you instead. The smile never once leaving his face “ So don’t you dare try and break up with us over this again, ‘kay?” Chuuya moved back and pressed a kiss to your forehead before brushing your hair out of your eyes “- or you’re welcome to break up with bandages over there” he teased, making you smile slightly as Dazai let out an annoyed ‘ you dog’.

Surprisingly the argument didn’t go any further than that. Instead Dazai’s attention was shifting between you in Chuuya’s arms and the little white test still clutched between his fingers before he finally broke the silence:“ By the way Belladonna have you had your doctors visit yet? To ensure the little one is fine.”

You sighed, shaking your head a no. “ I haven’t really got around to it yet”

“ That won’t do!” Chuuya cried pulling back from you instantly, his hand already dialing his subordinates, while he was walking towards the door then turning around and pacing back into your room“ Yes I need you to find the best prenatal care doctor in Yokohoma- yes directly I don’t care how much they charge- Sweetheart where is your insurance and identification card?”

You blinked as he stopped in front of you, blue eyes staring at you intensely “ umm In the kitchen, furthest cupboard to the right- top draw. Should be under the travel pamphlet.” Before you could finish your sentence he was already out of the room going to hunt for your documents.

Still you could hear him talking on the phone, beginning to list a bunch of things he wanted delivered to your place within the next fifteen minutes; childcare books, research on food that was safe to eat during pregnancy, alcohol- he was clear to specify it was for himself- and some safe alcohol free options.

“ - and prepare statistics on best child care facilities in Yokohama, and broker offers for all the housing around those areas -and–”

“ Chuuya don't just start randomly buying things” you yelled, staring to follow behind him pausing only when a very gentle hand wrapped itself around your wrist. In fact you were half way pulling out of the touch before your mind registered it. The unusual softness surprised you. Usually Dazai was unapologetically rough during sex; unafraid to slap, hit or even whip you and it was Chuuya who showed you in butterfly touches, kisses over bruised skin and soft embraces.

“ Let him be Y/N” Dazai stated, his voice sounding strange in your ears. His hand falling away from your wrist the instant you turned to face him. You could see that his head was bowed, his hair covering his eyes from you. Sometime during your and Chuuya’s embrace he had moved to sit down on a nearby chair. Wordlessly he patted his lap, silently asking you to sit down instead of the usual act of just pulling you into it. You looked at him skeptically as you took your place on his lap. The moment you did he buried his face in your shoulder, his arms pausing inches above your skin as if you’d shatter in his arms if he touched you..

“ Are you okay?” You asked as you urged him closer, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. Taking it as permission he wrapped his arms around you and pulled you carefully to his chest, burying his face in your hair. He held you like that for a few moments, totally silent but for an almost unnoticeable shake of his shoulders “ Dazai, are you crying?”

His response was to bring you even closer

“ Dazai, are you okay?” You asked again with more worry in your voice. He hushed you, stroking your hair. You were starting to panic at his reaction, your mind racing so much that you almost missed his answer to your previous question;

“ I’m more ‘okay’ than ever, Y/N”

#chuuya nakahara #bsd chuuya #sweetober #pregnant #dazai x reader #bsd dazai #bungou stray dogs dazai #chuuya x reader #chuuya nakahara x reader #pregnancy announcement #breaking up over text

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skin-care-news · 8 months

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The 13 Best Foods For Healthy Skin

Your skin is not only the body's largest organ but also a reflection of your overall health. Maintaining healthy and radiant skin requires more than just external skincare products; it begins with the nutrients you provide your body from the inside. A well-balanced diet rich in essential vitamins, minerals, and antioxidants can do wonders for your skin. In this article, we'll explore the 13 best foods for achieving and maintaining healthy, glowing skin.

1. Salmon:

Salmon is a fatty fish that's high in omega-3 fatty acids. These healthy fats help keep your skin moisturized and supple, reducing the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles. Omega-3s also have anti-inflammatory properties that can soothe skin conditions like eczema and psoriasis.

2. Avocado:

Avocados are packed with healthy fats, vitamins E and C, and antioxidants. These nutrients help keep your skin hydrated, protect it from UV damage, and promote collagen production, which is essential for skin elasticity.

3. Sweet Potatoes:

Sweet potatoes are rich in beta-carotene, a powerful antioxidant that can give your skin a healthy glow by protecting it from sun damage and preventing premature aging.

4. Berries:

Berries like blueberries, strawberries, and raspberries are loaded with antioxidants, particularly vitamin C. Antioxidants help combat free radicals, reducing skin cell damage and promoting a more youthful appearance.

5. Walnuts:

Walnuts are an excellent source of omega-3 fatty acids and vitamin E, which help maintain the skin's moisture and protect it from oxidative stress.

6. Spinach:

Spinach is rich in vitamin A, which is essential for skin health. It helps repair skin tissues, prevent acne, and maintain a healthy complexion.

7. Green Tea:

Green tea contains polyphenols and antioxidants that protect the skin from UV radiation and reduce the risk of skin cancer. Drinking green tea regularly can also help combat inflammation and keep your skin looking fresh.

8. Tomatoes:

Tomatoes are a great source of lycopene, an antioxidant that can reduce the risk of sunburn and skin aging. It also promotes collagen production and skin elasticity.

9. Dark Chocolate:

High-quality dark chocolate (70% cocoa or higher) is rich in antioxidants, specifically flavonols, which can improve skin texture, hydration, and blood flow, giving your skin a healthy glow.

10. Almonds:

Almonds are rich in vitamin E, a powerful antioxidant that helps protect your skin from harmful UV rays and environmental damage.

11. Yogurt:

Yogurt is packed with probiotics, which can promote a healthy gut. A balanced gut microbiome can lead to clearer skin by reducing inflammation and preventing acne.

12. Carrots:

Carrots are another great source of beta-carotene, which can help reduce skin dryness and promote a more youthful appearance.

13. Oats:

Oats are a good source of complex carbohydrates and fiber. They can help stabilize blood sugar levels, reducing the risk of acne and promoting clear skin.

While these foods can be a valuable addition to your diet for healthier skin, remember that no single food can work miracles. A well-rounded diet that includes a variety of nutrient-rich foods, along with proper hydration, is essential for achieving and maintaining radiant skin. Additionally, don't forget to protect your skin from excessive sun exposure, get enough sleep, and maintain a consistent skincare routine for the best results. Healthy, glowing skin is the result of both internal and external care, so make these foods a part of your daily routine and watch your skin thrive.

#skincare #skincare tips #beauty tips #glowing skin #skincare routine #antiaging #natural skin care products #acne #skin care #skin treatment #health tips #health #healingjourney #healthy skin #healthy #nutrition #healthy living #healthy eating #healthyfood

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daz4i · 7 months

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hate when i vent abt my pain and ppl tell me "everyone has stomach aches, it's normal" okay but are their pains bad enough to make them cry or unable to stand..... at least once a week...... bc i think that if this was normal society might've collapsed by now. but what do i know

#at least I'm on the way to get another test to see if it really is crohn's or not :')#my other tests came out negative but the last doctor i saw said it's worth checking again :')#bc. he claims. you're never gonna guess it. these pains are NOT normal ✨️ who could've thought!#sorry for the bitterness. as you may be able to infer from this i am in severe pain and having a hard time standing up or moving at all #btw through this doctor i went to i found out i actually had internal inflammation back in 2018 too and i was just. never told abt it.#like i was in the hospital and they ran a test but bc it was for smth else they didn't think to point it out??#why do i have to learn 5 years later that i had smth wrong with me that probably got worse with time and that's why I'm like that now 😭😭😭#(i wanna apply good faith to this. they probably thought it was a result of my other stomach issues so it'll pass once they do.#but like. if it really didn't go away and in fact got worse with time. i feel like i have the right to blame them yknow?)#vent #possibly a tmi one idk ajskflglh #sorry. i am very tired

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batmanisagatewaydrug · 1 month

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sorry about the random sex question. im afab and I enjoy sex but there is always blood. i almost always use lube now for any kind of penetration but there is always blood when i pee later. should i look for medical help or is this just another anatomical curse of pussy ownership

hi anon,

please don't be sorry, random sex questions are what I do. and it sounds like this one needs an answer pretty badly!

occasional bleeding after sex is pretty normal if you have a vagina; I try to emphasize that as often as possible because I don't want anyone to panic for no reason. tiny internal tears can happen even if you're careful and use lube, and while it can be uncomfortable and annoying to deal with the irregular bleeding they're not really cause for concern. they're at very low risk for infection or complication, and should heal up pretty easy.

what you're describing is not that.

bleeding after sex every time, no exceptions, is not typical; it's certainly not something to be expected by the pussy-owners of the world as you suggest. frequent bleeding like this is generally a sign that something is Up with your reproductive system; it's known to be a sign of conditions like pelvic or cervical inflammation or polyps growing in your cervix or another reproductive organ.

this is a situation where I'd recommend getting to a gynecologist as quickly as possible to discuss the matter and get ahead of any potential health complications.

#sex edventures 2024

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reasonsforhope · 1 month

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When Swiss cardiologist Thomas F. Lüscher attended an international symposium in Turin, Italy, last summer, he encountered an unusual “attendee:” Suzanne, Chat GPT’s medical “assistant.” Suzanne’s developers were eager to demonstrate to the specialists how well their medical chatbot worked, and they asked the cardiologists to test her.

An Italian cardiology professor told the chatbot about the case of a 27-year-old patient who was taken to his clinic in unstable condition. The patient had a massive fever and drastically increased inflammation markers. Without hesitation, Suzanne diagnosed adult-onset Still’s disease. “I almost fell off my chair because she was right,” Lüscher remembers. “This is a very rare autoinflammatory disease that even seasoned cardiologists don’t always consider.”

Lüscher — director of research, education and development and consultant cardiologist at the Royal Brompton & Harefield Hospital Trust and Imperial College London and director of the Center for Molecular Cardiology at the University of Zürich, Switzerland — is convinced that artificial intelligence is making cardiovascular medicine more accurate and effective. “AI is not only the future, but it is already here,” he says. “AI and machine learning are particularly accurate in image analysis, and imaging plays an outsize role in cardiology. AI is able to see what we don’t see. That’s impressive.”

At the Royal Brompton Hospital in London, for instance, his team relies on AI to calculate the volume of heart chambers in MRIs, an indication of heart health. “If you calculate this manually, you need about half an hour,” Lüscher says. “AI does it in a second.”

AI-Assisted Medicine

Few patients are aware of how significantly AI is already determining their health care. The Washington Post tracks the start of the boom of artificial intelligence in health care to 2018. That’s when the Food and Drug Administration approved the IDx-DR, the first independent AI-based diagnostic tool, which is used to screen for diabetic retinopathy. Today, according to the Post, the FDA has approved nearly 700 artificial intelligence and machine learning-enabled medical devices.

The Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota, is considered the worldwide leader in implementing AI for cardiovascular care, not least because it can train its algorithms with the (anonymized) data of more than seven million electrocardiograms (ECG). “Every time a patient undergoes an ECG, various algorithms that are based on AI show us on the screen which diagnoses to consider and which further tests are recommended,” says Francisco Lopez-Jimenez, director of the Mayo Clinic’s Cardiovascular Health Clinic. “The AI takes into account all the factors known about the patient, whether his potassium is high, etc. For example, we have an AI-based program that calculates the biological age of a person. If the person in front of me is [calculated to have a biological age] 10 years older than his birth age, I can probe further. Are there stressors that burden him?”

Examples where AI makes a sizable difference at the Mayo Clinic include screening ECGs to detect specific heart diseases, such as ventricular dysfunction or atrial fibrillation, earlier and more reliably than the human eye. These conditions are best treated early, but without AI, the symptoms are largely invisible in ECGs until later, when they have already progressed further...

Antioniades’ team at the University of Oxford’s Radcliffe Department of Medicine analyzed data from over 250,000 patients who underwent cardiac CT scans in eight British hospitals. “Eighty-two percent of the patients who presented with chest pain had CT scans that came back as completely normal and were sent home because doctors saw no indication for a heart disease,” Antioniades says. “Yet two-thirds of them had an increased risk to suffer a heart attack within the next 10 years.” In a world-first pilot, his team developed an AI tool that detects inflammatory changes in the fatty tissues surrounding the arteries. These changes are not visible to the human eye. But after training on thousands of CT scans, AI learned to detect them and predict the risk of heart attacks. “We had a phase where specialists read the scans and we compared their diagnosis with the AI’s,” Antioniades explains. “AI was always right.” These results led to doctors changing the treatment plans for hundreds of patients. “The key is that we can treat the inflammatory changes early and prevent heart attacks,” according to Antioniades.

The British National Health Service (NHS) has approved the AI tool, and it is now used in five public hospitals. “We hope that it will soon be used everywhere because it can help prevent thousands of heart attacks every year,” Antioniades says. A startup at Oxford University offers a service that enables other clinics to send their CT scans in for analysis with Oxford’s AI tool.

Similarly, physician-scientists at the Smidt Heart Institute and the Division of Artificial Intelligence in Medicine at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles use AI to analyze echograms. They created an algorithm that can effectively identify and distinguish between two life-threatening heart conditions that are easy to overlook: hypertrophic cardiomyopathy and cardiac amyloidosis. “These two heart conditions are challenging for even expert cardiologists to accurately identify, and so patients often go on for years to decades before receiving a correct diagnosis,” David Ouyang, cardiologist at the Smidt Heart Institute, said in a press release. “This is a machine-beats-man situation. AI makes the sonographer work faster and more efficiently, and it doesn’t change the patient experience. It’s a triple win.”

Current Issues with AI Medicine

However, using artificial intelligence in clinical settings has disadvantages, too. “Suzanne has no empathy,” Lüscher says about his experience with Chat GPT. “Her responses have to be verified by a doctor. She even says that after every diagnosis, and has to, for legal reasons.”

Also, an algorithm is only as accurate as the information with which it was trained. Lüscher and his team cured an AI tool of a massive deficit: Women’s risk for heart attacks wasn’t reliably evaluated because the AI had mainly been fed with data from male patients. “For women, heart attacks are more often fatal than for men,” Lüscher says. “Women also usually come to the clinic later. All these factors have implications.” Therefore, his team developed a more realistic AI prognosis that improves the treatment of female patients. “We adapted it with machine learning and it now works for women and men,” Lüscher explains. “You have to make sure the cohorts are large enough and have been evaluated independently so that the algorithms work for different groups of patients and in different countries.” His team made the improved algorithm available online so other hospitals can use it too...

[Lopez-Jimenez at the Mayo Clinic] tells his colleagues and patients that the reliability of AI tools currently lies at 75 to 93 percent, depending on the specific diagnosis. “Compare that with a mammogram that detects breast tumors with an accuracy of 85 percent,” Lopez-Jimenez says. “But because it’s AI, people expect 100 percent. That simply does not exist in medicine.”

And of course, another challenge is that few people have the resources and good fortune to become patients at the world’s most renowned clinics with state-of-the-art technology.

What Comes Next

“One of my main goals is to make this technology available to millions,” Lopez-Jimenez says. He mentions that Mayo is trying out high-tech stethoscopes to interpret heart signals with AI. “The idea is that a doctor in the Global South can use it to diagnose cardiac insufficiency,” Lopez-Jimenez explains. “It is already being tested in Nigeria, the country with the highest rate of genetic cardiac insufficiency in Africa. The results are impressively accurate.”

The Mayo Clinic is also working with doctors in Brazil to diagnose Chagas disease with the help of AI reliably and early. “New technology is always more expensive at the beginning,” Lopez-Jimenez cautions, “but in a few years, AI will be everywhere and it will make diagnostics cheaper and more accurate.”

And the Children’s National Hospital in Washington developed a portable AI device that is currently being tested to screen children in Uganda for rheumatic heart disease, which kills about 400,000 people a year worldwide. The new tool reportedly has an accuracy of 90 percent.

Both Lopez-Jimenez and Lüscher are confident that AI tools will continue to improve. “One advantage is that a computer can analyze images at 6 a.m. just as systematically as after midnight,” Lüscher points out. “A computer doesn’t get tired or have a bad day, whereas sometimes radiologists overlook significant symptoms. AI learns something and never forgets it.”

-via Reasons to Be Cheerful, March 1, 2024. Headers added by me.

Note:

Okay, so I'm definitely not saying that everything with AI medicine will go right, and there won't be any major issues. That's definitely not the case (the article talks about some of those issues). But regulation around medicines is generally pretty tight, and

And if it goes right, this could be HUGE for disabled people, chronically ill people, and people with any of the unfortunately many marginalizations that make doctors less likely to listen.

This could shave years off of the time it takes people to get the right diagnosis. It could get answers for so many people struggling with unknown diseases and chronic illness. If we compensate correctly, it could significantly reduce the role of bias in medicine. It could also make testing so much faster.

(There's a bunch of other articles about all of the ways that AI diagnoses are proving more sensitive and more accurate than doctors. This really is the sort of thing that AI is actually good at - data evaluation and science, not art and writing.)

This decade really is, for many different reasons, the beginning of the next revolution in medicine. Luckily, medicine is mostly pretty well-regulated - and of course that means very long testing phases. I think we'll begin to really see the fruits of this revolution in the next 10 to 15 years.

#confession I always struggle a lil bit with taking the mayo clinic seriously #because every. single. time I see it mentioned my first thought is mayonnaise #the mayonnaise clinic #lol

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love-bugsy · 7 months

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the worst thing about love is… | jason todd (chapter 1)

you’re just trying to get through your surgical residency, but this masked vigilante keeps showing up half-dead on your fire escape and reminding you of your dead best friend. oh well, at least he's cute.

tw: stitches, mentions of blood and injuries, swearing, completely ooc Jason but he’s like my own lil character now and I’m protective, very inaccurate medical terminology and procedure lol

only jerks steal other people's writing (just don't repost, mate)

There’s a dead man on your fire escape.

Well. He’s not actually dead, but his pulse is weak when you drag him into your living room, out of the relentless Gotham rain. Pulling your hand away from under his mask, you crouch down, peeling off the worn leather jacket around his shoulders and unbuckling his pauldrons. You feel around his back, brows furrowed. You can’t feel anything through the padding in his rain soaked shirt.

Hands wandering down to where his front is flat on the floor, you press down on his side, eyes widening when your fingers come back slick with blood. You go into autopilot, flipping him onto his back and yanking up his compression shirt. You might’ve gasped at the knife wound if you weren’t working on instinct. It’s bad.

Shoving away the doubt clawing at the base of your skull, you steady your trembling hands. You’ve been trained for this.

Don’t feel, just do.

The cut is long and serrated, and deep as all hell. It slices through the middle of a jagged, Y-shaped scar that chains over his shoulders like a noose. Jesus.

It’s like he was stabbed and then dragged across the floor, cutting diagonally across his torso. How is he even still alive? Your hands move faster than you can think, completing an internal checklist as you go.

Breathing? Fast and shallow through his modulator, no obstructions. Bleeding? Applied tourniquet to epigastric region - transfusion isn’t even an option… Your brain works overtime, sifting through diagnostics lectures - penetrating abdominal trauma, debrided of devitalised tissue, no visible debris… You trace the edges of the wound looking for inflammation or fluid buildup; signs of peritonitis, but the weapon seems to have missed any internal organs. Lucky. Even luckier that he landed on a surgical resident’s fire escape.

Reaching over to the lamp by your couch, you shift it so that it shines directly over his abdomen. A last check of his wound confirms that there are no external indications that you should conduct a laparotomy. You just have to sew him up and hope to god the knife didn’t puncture anything internal.

You keep a hand planted firmly over his tourniquet, applying constant pressure, reaching for your backpack. Dragging it over, you use your teeth to open your suture kit and your free hand to sterilise his cut with Betadine and alcohol, wiping gentle circles outward from the wound. You dip your needle like Achilles in the Styx, hand and all, into the sterilising liquid, tugging a glove on with your teeth.

You grip the needle driver in your dominant hand, pickups clutched in the other and take a steadying breath. There’s a stillness to the room, quiet save for your heartbeat pounding in your ears. The wound is large - high tension - so… mattress sutures… horizontal so the tension is spread over the edge of the wound.

You take your first bite, adrenaline driving your needle into a clean stitch. You reverse it, passing through his cut again, before tying it off with the practised motions of a thousand surgical knots tied on yarn and thread and fraying jeans. You settle back on your knees after the first suture, readying yourself for the stitching to come, and start the next one.

Hours later, you haul him onto your couch, sitting him up on the arm rest to take pressure off of his dressed stitches. Frowning deeply at how uncomfortable he looks - even unconscious, you tuck a throw pillow under his scuffed metal mask.

Leaning close to check his breathing, you hear crackling slow and deep through the helmet’s voice modulator. Bone-deep relief floods your system, a little sigh leaving your mouth involuntarily. Sitting heavily against your coffee table, you press the heels of your hands into your weary eyes.

He’s stable. For now at least.

Head bumping against the edge of your couch, you breathe in deeply, fighting the anxiety twisting in your ribcage. The couch smells like rubbing alcohol, stinging your nose so badly your eyes water. It’s followed by something familiar - underneath the heady scent of petrol and metal - like… if you mixed Gotham up into a single smell; rain and smoke and wet pavement. He… he smells like-

“Jay!”

The faulty fluorescent lights - courtesy of your parent's small family diner - seem to flicker in tandem with your strident yell.

Your best friend looks up at you through a mop of dark hair, collarbones poking out of his thin t-shirt, second-hand leather jacket chucked haphazardly on the other side of the booth. He’s stolen your copy of Jane Eyre, flattened with one hand next to a plate of old fries you’d scrounged for him.

You tug your book from his grasp, tucking your pen into the pocket on your apron. He looks up at you with a mouth full of fries, infuriating confusion written across his face.

“What? You promised I could read it.” You sigh in exasperation.

“When I’m finished! And-” A dramatic gasp rips from your mouth when you examine the book. “Are these- grease stains?” You take the book in both hands, swatting Jason with it.

“What so it’s okay to hit me with a book but not get grease- fuck, jesus, okay, okay!” You raise the book over your shoulder with both hands.

“Do you yield?” His mock-angry expression almost makes you laugh, a hand held up near his face to shield from your attack. There’s a soft twist to his frown, like he’s trying to stop his mouth from pulling into a grin. He raises his hands in surrender, and you relax your hold on the book.

Rookie mistake.

Jason darts forward, faster than you can blink, grasping your waist with both hands and dragging you towards him. He yanks the book from your hands and lets you go, grinning childishly at you with the book in his hands. The cat with the canary.

You throw your hands up in exasperation before planting them on your hips like a disappointed mother. The admonishment on the tip of your tongue turns into a weary sigh when you hear your parents calling for you from the diner kitchen. “Fine. But you actually have to try to not spoil it this time.”

Jason crosses his fingers over his chest, “Scout’s honour, birdie.”

You try not to flush at the nickname, just like you do every time he says it. Still, you fold like a stack of cards.

(He spoils it the next day.)

When you wake two hours later for rounds (at the ass-crack of dawn), he’s already gone. You pad quietly around your kitchen making coffee from day-old grounds, cautious not to disturb the sanctity of the early morning (or the ghost of his presence).

The only evidence of him is alight in the dim light that spills over your kitchen counter and into your living room - the deep indents in your couch and the bloodstains on your carpet… The rain on your wood floors, from the fire escape window you’re sure you didn’t leave open.

hi, hello, uhh this is the first fic I've ever posted so bear with me. if anyone actually sees this, i do apologise for the inaccuracies and lengthy prose. also, this will be a series so stick around if you like slow updates, slowburn and second chances. thanks for reading my rambles.

with love, bugsy

#series: the worst thing about love #love-bugsy #jason todd x reader #jason todd fic #jason todd fanfiction #jason todd reader insert #jason todd imagine #x reader

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bright-and-burning · 4 months

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i was pretty sure in-competition vs out-of-competition drug testing had different rules from following track and field doping scandals. and i was right! and then i accidentally dug a little too deep into doping regulations so. here's some fun info on anti-doping & motorsports (& how allowed doing drugs is) below the cut (you could perhaps call this a ~primer~ if you wanted)

i'm going off of the FIA's anti-doping regulations (appendix a to the international sporting code, this is from 2017 but it gets the gist across (and doesn't require a download). i checked it against the 2021 version and nothing i referenced changed significantly; click on the "appendix a" link here to download the 2021 version) and the world anti-doping code international standard prohibited list (link is to the 2024 list but i don't think things have changed very much over the years).

the appendix was only added to the international sporting code in 2010, so i can't speak to anything before then.

the FIA link is 69 pages long and also not an easy read BUT from what i can tell their testing works the same as any other international sport's (so if you're looking for a simpler read on the general process than the FIA's code, check out this wiki page on biological passports and the world anti-doping agency (WADA)'s pretty simple anti-doping process page here).

substances

the important part (to me, at least) is article 4: prohibited list and international standards. this is the bit that says what drugs you can and can't do.

it essentially boils down to "the WADA list applies. and also a few other things."

the few others things here are specifically alcohol and beta-blockers. alcohol for drunk driving reasons, beta-blockers because they lower heart rates and reduce tremors (they're banned in many sports that require high accuracy, like motorsports but also archery and golf).

the WADA list is broken down into two main parts: substances & methods prohibited at all times, and substances & methods prohibited in-competition

substances prohibited at all times

these are things like anabolic agents, peptide hormones, growth factors, beta-2 agonists, hormone and metabolic modulators, and diuretics and masking agents (you can explore more in depth here if you're interested).

basically, what i typically think of when i think of doping. the stereotype of bodybuilders taking steroids, you know. not the fun stuff.

substances prohibited in-competition

these are probably what people are more interested in hearing about (especially fic writers). these are stimulants, narcotics, cannabinoids, and glucocorticoids. i will admit to never having heard of glucocorticoids by that name before this (they are steroids used to treat asthma, inflammation, allergies, etc).

these include things like cocaine, adderall and other stimulants commonly used to treat adhd, ecstasy, weed, heroin, oxycodone, and so on.

once again see here for more info; if you're looking for something specific, go to the index and use what page it points you to as a guide. ecstasy, for example, is not listed by name as ecstasy on page 14 (stimulants prohibited in-competition but not out of competition), but if you look in the index, the ecstasy listing points you towards page 14 (where it's referred to by its 'chemical' name), marking it as a stimulant only prohibited in-competition. you might have to google your drug of choice to find other names for it.

in-competition, by the way, is defined as "the period commencing just before midnight (at 11:59 p.m.) on the day before a competition in which the Athlete is scheduled to participate until the end of the competition and the sample collection process." ie 11:59pm the night before right up to after you pee in the cup. assuming competition includes free practice, this period would be wednesday at 11:59pm to sunday after the race.

obviously you can get a therapeutic use exemption, where your doctor says "yeah they need this banned substance for this reason." it's more complicated than that, and there's a lot of paperwork and different agencies' approval involved, but that's the gist of it. this is, for example, how simone biles is allowed to take adhd medication despite those being prohibited in-competition.

the testing method itself isn't explicitly identified in the 2021 code, but it mentions blood and urine testing as options in a footnote. the 2017 code treats urine testing as the automatic option (and lays out the specifics of how that should occur quite explicitly), and blood testing as an alternative or optional addition.

different drugs stay in your system for different lengths of time. cocaine can show up on saliva & blood tests for up to two days, and on urine tests for up to three. weed's urine testing window can be as long as 30 days (depending on frequency of use). and so on. so risk levels vary!

sanctions stuff

you can get hit with sanctions for tampering with tests, evading tests, etc, but i'm gonna talk about specifically sanctions for testing positive because i feel like that's more interesting and relevant than going into sanctions for missing tests three times in twelve months (but if you are interested, read through the FIA's code).

they make special note of what they call "specified substances." these are substances that are "more like to have been consumed or used by an athlete for a purpose other than the enhancement of sport performance" aka fun drugs as opposed to performance enhancers. pretty much all of the in-competition banned ones are specified substances. notable exception here is cocaine. cocaine (and some other stimulants) are not specified substances. you can see which specific substances are specified here.

the definition of "specified substances" above is pretty much just used for sanctions reasons. it kind of helps determine who the burden of proof falls on.

nitty gritty sanctions stuff

the rest of this post gets into the nitty gritty of sanctions (feel free to skip this bit). motorsports has so few violations at the top level (like, to the point where anti-doping lab people are quoted as being genuinely amazed by how clean everyone is) that this kind of thing hasn't really played out (or at least, not since the FIA started working with WADA. or as far as i know). this is different from just about every other sport i've Ever paid any kind of attention to.

this part would honestly make a really solid flowchart. it makes for a pretty rough primer. it is so confusing, but hopefully i make it even a tiny bit more clear than the FIA's code.

there's quite a few cases here, and they're all kind of complicated:

if the violation involved a specified substance, the FIA has to prove it was intentional use to hit the violator with a four year "period of ineligibility," which i will refer to as a ban throughout for ease.

if the violation does not involve a specified substance, the athlete has to prove it wasn't an intentional use to avoid a four year ban.

the two cases above are what i see as the general cases. if a violation doesn't fall under any of the below cases, then it falls back into those. they're the "if not anything else, then these."

a violation for a substance only prohibited in-competition can be ruled not intentional if it is a specified substance and the athlete can prove that it was used out-of-competition, or if it is not a specified substance and the athlete can prove it was used out-of-competition in a context unrelated to performance.

aka (this is an extremely handwavey and flippant example for demonstration purposes only) if they test positive for ecstasy (specified substance), but they can prove they used it at the club for a good time, then it's not intentional. if they test positive for cocaine (not a specified substance), but they can prove they used it at the club and specifically for fun not for performance, then it's not intentional.

if intent isn't there, and none of the other options i go into below apply, you get a two year ban (as far as i can figure it out).

intentional use is specifically "meant to identify those athletes who cheat," basically doing it knowing it was a rule violation/carried a risk of being a rule violation and disregarding the risk (paraphrased from the FIA).

if the violation involves a substance of abuse as specified by WADA here, and the driver can establish that the use occurred out-of-competition and wasn't related to performance, then they get a three month ban. furthermore, if the driver completes an FIA-approved substance of abuse treatment program, then that ban will be reduced to one month.

if the violation involves a substance of abuse and it occurred in-competition, but the driver can prove it wasn't related to performance, then the violation'll be considered not intentional, and is therefore (as far as i can tell) subject to a two year ban.

if the driver can prove they bear no fault or negligence (literally Zero), then whatever ban they would've gotten will go away. this is REALLY hard though; the document states that it "will only apply in exceptional circumstances, for example, where a Driver could prove that, despite all due care, he or she was sabotaged by a competitor."

Conversely, it says that this no fault case wouldn't apply if: a) they consumed a mislabeled/contaminated vitamin or supplement (drivers are responsible for what they ingest), b) their personal trainer/physician gave it to them without explaining what it was (drivers are responsible for their choice of medical personnel), c) sabotage of their food or drink "by a spouse, coach or other person within the driver’s circle of associates (drivers are responsible for what they ingest and for the conduct of those persons to whom they entrust access to their food and drink)." In these scenarios, however, they could potentially use the no significant fault or negligence cases outlined directly below.

if the violation involves a specified substance (but not a substance of abuse), and the driver can prove no significant fault or negligence, then the consequences will be somewhere between a reprimand and a two year ban depending on how at fault they are.

if they can prove both no significant fault/negligence AND that the detected substance came from a contaminated product, then the consequences will be between somewhere between a reprimand and a two year ban depending on how at fault they are. (as an aside, i'm pretty sure this is the out that shelby houlihan tried to use when she tested positive for an anabolic steroid and blamed it on a pork burrito from a food truck).

to be able to use this out, the driver has to prove separately that a) the substance came from the contaminated product and b) they aren't significantly at fault.

these are, as far as i can tell, all of the potential violation cases the FIA's code has articles for. they align with other sports' regulatory bodies' rules, in my (limited) experience.

i hope this was at least a little interesting and informative! (it certainly was for me). thanks for reading :)

several disclaimers here: i make NO promises abt this being perfectly accurate bc it IS me interpreting the FIA's code. and this is nowhere near my area of expertise (i am not a doctor or a lawyer or anything else relevant to this. i am just a nerd with adhd and a whole lot of time). but i did my best ! and i think it's a solid stone's throw at accurate.

and also to be clear if they do coke in fic on thursday night or whatever for the plot or the vibes im still here for it. this is not me requiring pitch-perfect accuracy on doping violations in fic (and all of this info will probably drain out of my brain by saturday); it's (hopefully) a resource!

#hey friends adhd goes crazy. i found myself reading thru anti-doping regulations at like 1am and decided to be Productive about it #have fun go crazy do cocaine but only out-of-competition!#f1 primer #i Guess. i still hesitate to call it that.#mine #mine.primer

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