#it used to be over 1000 but a lot of blogs got deleted after The Great Deporning
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Day count blog 2!!!
So, yeah. This one's for 2023. It's 2nd jan, but 2:40 am. New year wishes from everyone, INCLUDING JIN! hobi performing at times square. 1064 days more, we'll wait.
3rd Jan,2023. 1063 days more, we'll wait.
7th Jan, 2023. Started finals. 1059 days more, we'll wait.
28th Jan,2023. It's been days since I've updated. Got over with my finals, and my eldest cousin got engaged. Been busy tbh. Vibe is out, yoongi is the ambassador for Valentino, jimin for Dior, hobi for lv, and Joon for bonnetta? Looks like all the fashion brands are out to snatch the members after their contract with lv ended. Anyways, gues what. THIS BITCH JUST GOT TICKETS FOR A FUCKING CONCERT SCREENING. future me, pls know that I wasn't so hyper irl. 1038 more days, and we'll fucking wait
4th Feb, 2023. Yeah i had to give a 100-word update on how amazing the concert was, but guess what, this unlucky ass didn't get to go. I got hit with chickenpox, isolated for 10 days, just 3 days before the screening. Guess i gotta wait for 2025 now then. Anyways sorrow aside, i looked into jhopes photo folio trailer, and I'm like, who is this woman? IT WAS HOBI. yeah, i died. The fucking long hair i- i just cant-. Hobis birthday, his photo folio, PJM1, everything at once in Feb along with my brother's marriage, me going to gangtok. Oh dear lord. 1031 days more, we'll wait. Edit - (cause i forgot to add this) jk went live , 2 DAYS IN A ROW. breaking the radio silence since jins enlistment. And he's hot. He fucking sang UNHOLY, RIP TO ME. he even sang wildflower, vive , dreamers, oh god Jk, you're gonna be the death of us.
15th February, 2023, fuck that person who created valentine's day. Yoongis tour is announced 😭 anyways, 1020 days more, we'll wait
26th February, 2023. Messed up week. I got betrayed by the person who I really trusted in. Phone got taken away, had a big fight with my parents and all the crap. End of the week, I'm left with severe trust issues, a taken away phone, parents who hate me, and a lot more. Our boys have been doing very well I assume. Jimin is coming back with PJM1 this March, and yoongis gone cherry for this photo folio. 1009 days more, we'll wait
1st march, 2023. hobi has officially announced that hes gonna enroll. JUNGKOOK THAT MF DELETED HIS INSTA. and on top of that, the saseng threats. my insta got disabled, and i cant even seem to find a mail from them. oh how great this week is. this too shall pass, and in the mean while, we'll wait.
3rd March,2023. Bruhhhhhh jimin for Tiffany. I'm dead- I fell sick today, no really. Jakaisjskaka 1004 days more, we'll wait.
7th march,2023 and MY INSTA IS FINEEEEEE. i just finished blocking and unfollowing all the people i know, ive got no followers and im following only 7 people, bangtan and bighit (JK, FUCK YOU but i love you more than myself soooo) we're correctly at 1000 days now!!!!!!! we'll waitttt.
8th march,2023 and jimin is on the vogue cover, fuck my life. im teling you, if i end up not burning down all the schools in the world, please reward me with something, cause i just cant- 999 days more, we'll wait.
17th March, 2023 and set me free pt.2 mv is out. I gotta rant out about it, so imma post another thing on it. But I died, no kidding. One more post, for my fucked up life on how I got caught reading smut. Anyways, pd bang si hyuk says "we said we hope there will be a BTS comeback, not will" but who gives a fuck. I trust them, and they asked us to wait, so 990days more, we'll wait.
30 March, oof that was a long ass gap. A lot happened, i got my spectacles and now I'm taking treatment for 8 days, and I'm missing PTA week for it, thank you mom. Buttttt, FACE IS OUT AND THE SKIN- I- 977 days more, we'll wait.
4th April, 2023. Now idk if I have to weep over hobi leaving, or hobi tryna calm us down by posting, or maybe i should scream over jin posting, or jin and jimin fighting in hobis comment section, or should I desperately wait for ck to release jks pics, or swoon over rm in Bottega vennetta. Orrrrr i should just hold a seperate day count of yoongis d-day. After all this, i can just say,974 days more, we'll wait.
April 16th, 2023. I've started in a completely new account, WOW. but jk at Coachella?! And he's planned his us visit accordingly so he can be back to send off hobi🥺 Tae's new song, D-Day, and all. Anndddddd, my brother is now officially married. AND IM LEAVING FOR GANGTOK IN LIKE LESS THAN A WEEK FROM NOW. I'm sitting here and posting this while i have a math and bio exam tomorrow, god save me, guys pray for me. 960 days more, we'll wait.
April 18th, 2023. Hobi left like todayyy. Dear lord please keep him safe. the concept pics for d-day made me choke, like wtfff. 958 days more, we'll wait.
April 25th, 2023. im back from my 5 day school trip and dday is out. ngl, i still have to take a look at it. tae and jk attended dreams premiere, what makes it better is that tae knows psj from wooga and jk is the forever fanboy of IU. Moonbin passed, and even tho idk him, i genuinely feel bad that this is how life ends for some people. rm is back on Suchwita, and now 951 days more, we'll wait.
28th April, and just like, what the fuck. cause i may be late in saying this, but jk and tae attending the vip premiere for dream and his live right after? alsoo, jimin and rm are attending the met gala, each as their brands ambassadors. so you're telling me, that jimin is going to attend the tiffany event with ranbir singh, the met gala with rm, and is gonna come perform tony montana at yoongi's d-day? WOW. d-day japan is gonna be screened live in theatresssss, IM SCREAMING- hopefully i get to go this time. Also, that canadian actor who passed, bro, like rip. idk why he made such avid decisions, like no doubt jimin is handsome as fuck, but im sure he was also as handome, and good in character. anyways, 948 days more, we'll wait.
29th April, 2023. So jimin is attending tiffany's event with ranveer singh, the met gala with rm as the global ambassador of tiffany and dior, and is performing in d-day. which brings me to like, WTF YOONGI. his concert, I LOVE HIM SO MUCH I COULD GIVE MY WHOLE LIFE TO HIM AND WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR- 947 days more, we'll wait.
1st May, 2023. Bruh, yoongs really got ARMY to bark at his concert. And jimin- im gonna cry i swear-. 945 days more, we'll wait.
5th may, 2023. Dude, that whole Canadian actor is shi. HE DOES NOT EXIST! wow, AI these days. i just hope bighit provides Bangtan with a little more security or something. cause like, sasaengs are getting out of hand now. at his house?! Suga at the Fallon show thoo. 941 days more, we'll wait.
15th may, 2023. yea, its been 10 days since i updated. i have been to ooty and now to mumbai, yes, in 10 days. im rewatching moon lovers again, idk wtf is wrong with me. but like we're getting closer, 931 days more, and we'll fucking wait.
19th may, 2022. brooo, if this whole tae and jennie thingie is real, i totally support. i mean- its their life, and they're cute so- iv'e also been watching the bts reels on insta lately, and im telling this all over again, I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. 927 days more, we'll wait.
1st june, 2023. i havent updated in a looooong time. just been busy. BUT not busy enough to not know what is happenning in the world. SILVER BLONDE TAEHYUNG IS BACK. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. i- i just cant- Also, yoongi is doing so well in his world tour. RM's new mv with Colde, Hobi is the assistant instructor, JIMIN HAS BROKEN THE GUINNES WORLD RECORD, and JK dancing to super on his live. WOW. but best of all, *drumroll* 11 MORE DAYS TO BTSFESTA 2023, AND ITS THE 10TH ANNIVERSARY, AND "TAKE TWO" IS GONNA BE OUT. 914 days more, we'll wait.
10th June, 2023. 2 more days till festa, and yesterday take two was released. I haven't even watched it yet cause of my studies. I hate thissss. 905 days more, we'll wait.
15th june, 2023. Im shit, i didn't even update on the 10th anniversary. but i will soon. also, beyond the scenes, the book is set to release on july 9th ig😭 i swear- it's army's 10th anniversary. anyways 900 more days, we'll wait.
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I use Social Media platforms wrong... on purpose. (UX stuff)
Just an amusing musing from someone whose done UX before... and why I don’t follow site protocols for my own mental health. Also, picture the caps as a version of a screaming baby with their icon as a mask over their face. Or is that how I imagine it?
TUMBLR
REBLOGGGG DAMN YOU REBLOG!
I reblog occasionally. I’m not focused on boosting followers by random reblogging. I’m focused on delivering best content. I did do reblogging a lot in the past on other accounts, but then the contents got messy and I rather reblog the things that are relevant to the focus of the blog. Also, I have a custom name for the website and it’s professional type website, so going into tumblr black holes isn’t for me. I rather escape velocity of internet black holes. The QAnon effect is real.
HAVE YOU SEEN...
Dun care.
Dear Tumblr,
I wish you had an auto save feature that saves to drafts... also, your platform seems to have trouble processing long posts. Javascript handling error, I suppose.
MYSPACE (lol I remember it)
Put up music, flashing gifs, list allll your profile info. Give us your personal contacts.
I’m HSP, though I didn’t know it at the time because the term wasn’t invented. And generally, sharing your personal contact info when your name (at the time) was rare, is a BAD idea. Stalkers with no protections is terrible. And I stopped using the website around the time they allowed animated gif wallpaper. !@#$ No. Also, automatically playing midis gave me a fright from my childhood PTSD and HSP-ness. I was also underage... sooo.... no.
Dear My Space,
You were a nightmare for HSPs and Autistic people. Also, it was hard to network on you. Also, you didn’t really protect minors that well.
FACEBOOK
POST A PICTURE OF YOUR FACE~~
No, you racist assholes. No.
True story, in a PRIVATE group, I posted my face and then Facebook bots came after me left and right. I deleted the single picture and Facebook stopped coming after me. We know you’re racist, you assholes. Why should I post a picture of my face when you’re going to try to chase me off the website.
JOIN MORE GROUPS
Too much work to keep up with them. Facebook isn’t my life. I rather have a handful I engage in rather than 1000 plus.
HAVE MORE FRIENDS 5,000!! 10,000!!!
You mean faceless strangers I don’t know to feel popular? Popularity isn’t my goal in life. I don’t need the internet to validate my existence.
Unfortunately the internet doesn’t often go towards my values of empathy, kindness, seeing people as human beings, and *friendly* debates. So accumulating people I don’t know who could attack me, no. I filter hard.
GIVE ME YOUR PERSONAL INFO
I’m no longer a minor, but stalkers exist and data mining on Facebook makes it easier to do things like, say Credit card fraud. So NO. Fuckers, no. Also, stop selling my info to scammers.
ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO UNFRIEND THIS PERSON?
yes.
ARE YOU REALLY SURE YOU WANT TO UNFRIEND THIS PERSON?
Yes. YEEESSSS.
Dear Facebook,
Good luck finding liberals who are blatantly racist transphobic and hate Republicans. That’s what your algorithm tells me. This is why you lost users after the announcement. But you don’t want to admit that you’re racist. Oh and I beat your racist algorithm. You really should remove the racism though you know about it and won’t do anything about it.
TWITTER
DO YOU KNOW YOU CAN FOLLOW MORE TOPICS?
Yes. Am I going to? No. Are you going to push them on me anyway because your bots come after my tweets? Yes. Do why are you asking me to follow topics?
YOU CAN FOLLOW FEEDS.
See previous. Also, QAnon effect often happens when one follows feeds and that gives me a headache.
FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE BACK
HSP, information overload. Honestly, I’d probably cut back on my feed. I can’t control the topics on my feed. I can’t control people replying to me but not intending to. Why do I want more of that in my life. It’s not real validation.
YOU KNOW YOU CAN MUTE PEOPLE YOU FOLLOW
Then what is the point in following them unless they give you a job offer and you just want to DM them?
RELOAD/CLICK ME SO YOU DON’T LOSE YOUR PLACE.
I know why they added this feature. Yes. But still feels like they want to suck your soul out from your foot and make sure you don’t have a life outside of twitter.
Dear Twitter,
I noticed that your social media platform has a bunch of users who seem to be hung up only on the platform and have no life outside of it. This is not healthy since too much social media leads to depression and bad behavior, and the QAnon effect. Also, it would be nice if there were not necessarily “Inspiration porn” but the occasional funny or amusing news in amongst the terrible.
General note: I tend to block or not connect my face to face friends and my family members just so they will ask: How have you been and try to actually contact me, rather than say nothing. This is a huge social media sin, apparently, but it saves my mental health quite a bit.
Conclusion
I use social media badly. I know UX, so there are two things I think UX on social media could fix: The QAnon effect--that is where you get into increasing weirder social media black holes. And the lack of user to user empathy causing social media burn out. If you want people to stay on the website, then fighting social media burnout should be a goal of social media websites. I have a few theories to get there, but UX is so focused on UX person to user, that it’ missing a large part of the User Experience: Interaction with other users. And User Experience can shape that.
Oh and FACEBOOK STOP BEING RACIST. That’s my UX hot tip for you. Make a big announcement about how you’ve changed the algorithm. Also, don’t allow foreign bots to do credit card fraud.
I believe the way forward for UX is to try to create empathy and common ground, but I get rich people, programmers’ egos (a joke programmers would get) and UX people these days are more focused on individualism, which BTW, goes against the social part of Social media. So the next level would actually be leaning into the community and social parts of social media by looking at social media as tiny governments and societies and then looking at ways to shape that community from the first to get there. But then you’d need social scientists of different types to get you there.
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How did we get here?
Since my last post “Don't you know that you're toxic?”, I thought more and more about how I (and when I say I, I mean we as people) process things happening in and around our lives.
How did we get here?
In my 20's, I worked in the UK in offices with a lot of other folks. My work was very computer based, and I enjoyed figuring out the quickest and easiest way to get things done. I learned the old school ways, but I was eager to find a new process that helped speed up my work. I learned a lot of short cuts and eventually had a quick workflow. People were impressed.
Some colleagues would process everything manually just as their bosses had shown them, but I spent the time figuring how to get a quicker answer from a larger sample of data by refining my skills.
I realized it was the process that I was really interested in.
How could I do this more efficiently? How could I make sure I am getting the most out of this workflow? Is this even my responsibility? Can I change how I am doing this, to get better faster and get more accurate results?
Is this the best way to do this?
This is how I still live my life, except rarely is it in front of a database anymore, now it's more about how I reflect and develop myself. I still feel it is not the result that I care so much about, it's about how you get to that result.
Let's take the blog post I published about my ex partner.
I published that blog to process my thoughts and feelings. I felt things, realized I'd bottled it up too long and it was time to let it out. I felt that as I had written a few blogs recently which helped me process my feelings and thoughts on both happy and sad subjects and I was happy with the development within myself after posting, I would do it again. I wanted to express how I processed our relationship, break up and post break up mess. Easy.
So, what was really interesting to me was how other people processed my blog so differently.
Extremes at both ends!
There were also the ones who didn't respond; didn't say anything, why is that? Because they didn't care or have any thoughts about what I wrote? Because they didn't want to have a conversation with me that they thought might become awkward? Because they already saw negative comments and didn't want to give an opinion for or against?
I received private messages from folks who understood the purpose of the blog and how I still cared for my ex and mean her no harm. I had other people who (may or may not have read the blog completely) felt I was cruel and mean to publish such a thing and decided to publicly shame me.
Ironically, these messages and comments (good or bad) are just people's reaction after processing their thoughts and feelings as I had done while writing it.
In fact, while I write (even now) I refine how I write... It's a process within a process... Am I writing this document the best way I can? Is it complete? Should I clarify points further or delete parts that are useless information? Am I writing how I really feel or am I glossing over parts?
Funnily enough, I am surprised that none of the comments on the negative side affected me. I felt totally fine about someone called me a name or told me I was not a good person for posting something.
I realize I have learnt to process those negative responses in a way that doesn't actually affect me personally. That was an outcome which I did not expect, but I was really pleased about.
In therapy we did talk about how people have treated me at times. My doc helped me realize while it's not OK, I should remember anyone's opinion of me, is just that: it's their opinion.
I really enjoyed the fact that I didn't feel any issue about them taking issue to my writing. Having a different point of view is totally fine. In fact I encourage folks to contact me to give me feedback, although I do prefer constructive criticism over personal attacks. But either way, I'm fine with it.
I stopped drinking alcohol almost 6 years ago... What a process that was, but I got there.
I hit my rock bottom in early 2015 (not surprisingly during a drunk fight with the above mentioned ex) and to get out of a psychiatric hospital in a foreign country, I promised the doctor I would not drink again. Just so you know, I have never felt better after making that decision, but the processing of my feelings, anxiety and depression were far from over.
Even to this day I am learning new ways to cope, to evaluate and to process in my heart, mind and soul what is happening around me and, more importantly, within me.
Ask any of my old band members, they'll remember in mid 2017 when I was a couple of years sober, I was struggling on tour socially. At the time I couldn't handle tour life. You see, I used to drink to medicate myself to be the life of the party. Now, as I had to face the issue of social anxiety head on or stay in bed, I realized I had to open up to my band members and ask them for support and understanding while I process what was happening within me.
I was learning to process my insecurities. I learned that speaking up isn't such a bad thing. Being vulnerable isn't such a bad thing...
After all, I'm only human...
It took me many months to come to terms with another band whose band members weren't actually friends. I thought all bands members in all bands were friends. After all they share the cool vibes on stage... It's how I have experienced it all my life. But this was a working band. Eventually the only way I could go on was by thinking, “this is a job, and you don't always have to get along with your colleagues as friends.” I figured out a process that worked for me! I had to act on stage, and off stage, well, I did my own thing. It was tough at first, but I got there... After all, it is a process.
By the way, those band members weren't particularly mean, they just had their way and I had to learn it. No harm, no foul.
For 7 years, with the help of my therapist in Germany, I learned more and more ways to cope, to process and to learn. I'm forever grateful for that process we went through together. The workflow... The goals... The listening... The talking... It was an amazing experience...
Now that I don't have a doc, I'm finding new ways to cope with my issues (a new process to replace the old process...). That would be this blog... Just writing about my problems helps me process them and learn that really, I am doing well, I am handling things pretty well and my future isn't as gloomy as I once thought.
I have surrounded myself with some amazing friends and I have a great family too. Just like talking to my band members, opening up and talking about my problems and fears has really given my life a positive turn.
I always thought I should behave like a man... And a man shouldn't cry, shouldn't tell someone he loves them (other than his Mum and wife) and has a duty to be stoic and tough... I am not that kind of man... I am human... I make mistakes, I have feelings and I know now, to talk about it all, to share it, helps me process it.
Often, just pressing “publish” after writing gives me a wave of relief.
For months and months I've been holding in my feelings about my daughter, Mijita, who I blogged about a few weeks ago. I had many sleepless nights, crying in frustration that I let her go. I couldn't even look at a photo of her, without crying and feeling guilty. I felt pain. I was silly, and kept a lot of that in. I had to change how I was processing the loss of her in my life.
Then I wrote about her.
I hadn't told anyone (other than a few close friends) how important she is to me until that public display of love and devotion. And it was a like a 1000 kilos were taken off my shoulders...
Today I looked at a few photos of her, and I smiled. She is such a wonderful dog, and I miss her so, but now I'm starting to think back with happiness. We spent 4.5 years together, trained, swam, hiked and explored the world together. We grew together, she was my first. I am learning to be grateful for her in my life, not sad that she's no longer with me.
I've started to process the grief I felt.
Writing about Mijita has helped me so much with the trauma of saying goodbye to her... What a process... I'm so glad I figured out a way to find love again...
I will not look at my phone ever again just before going to sleep. Why? Because if I do get any message, from anyone, it sets the mood for my sleep. If I had just learned not to read those messages earlier, I'd have slept better on many many occasions.
The process is, don't look at your phone if you wanna sleep well tonight. I love learning...
Yes, I know it's a pretty simple thing to know—most of us know it—but my wife could easily read a message before bed and just roll over and sleep... Me, my brain thinks and thinks and doesn't let up. I'm going around in circles in my head, then I start thinking about other things, the past, the future... scenario after scenario... And I'm wide awake for another 2 hours... Sometimes crying... Sometimes wishing I could shut off... Damn you boy, just don't pick up the phone!
Speaking of my wife, she has ASD. Yes, that means she has what most of us know as Aspergers.
I'm always learning new processes to help our relationship. She is a unique person, and unlike most folks I know. I have learned to be as direct as possible. To be as open as possible. To make sure I am clear with any “suggestions”. I've learned to listen to her too, and to clarify anything that could be a “suggestion” or a direct request. I know she processes things differently to me, so I have to take steps towards her if I want to communicate with her.
We have a workflow, a process, a relationship. It's unique to us, and it works for us. It keeps us talking openly. It keeps us in love.
I know I have to keep an eye out for her in social situations so that she doesn't feel too overwhelmed and she knows full well how my anxiety can kick in (sometimes at the same time!). We help support each other's process... And gosh damn it, I love the fact that we process our processes together..
Sometimes I forget about my past. What I mean is, I forget that I lived in Germany or the UK, I have like a black spot in my memory. I may even forget some of my friends! I forget some of the wonderful experiences I have had in my 18 years there. The next minute, I'm sad and missing the hell out of Europe!! What's up with that?? I still haven't figured that one out... Any ideas?
Of course then I feel guilty that I even forgot such amazing people, places and experiences in my life!
I've had long discussions with Alex about ourselves and others, figuring out ways to process what is happening within us and around us. We suggest theories back and forwards at a rate of knots. I've also had long extensive discussions with close friends about “people”, and how and why they do the things they do... Or how and why I do things... ! I love it... The theoretical hypothesis... and sometimes conclusions... And sometimes more processing... Sometimes no solution...
Recently I've been working on my part of Alex's visa application to live in Australia. It's a real pain in the butt, but part of the process for me, was figuring out the workflow and best practices to systematically provide evidence of our genuine and continuous relationship. Here I am at a computer, once again, figuring out the best way to make sure nothing is left behind, the results are full and complete and that I am satisfied with the quality of my work.
I continuously question what I am doing... Is it the best way? Can I do better?
Refine the process... Strive for success... Develop Ideas... Evaluate solutions...
Don't we all do that??
If I'm not happy with how I feel, or how I'm feeling about something, I look at the way I've been dealing with it. I look at ways to change the process to gain a more comfortable feeling/result. Maybe I look at it from a different point of view. Maybe I question my reasons for feeling bad in the first place. Maybe I ask someone to be a sounding board for ideas how to cope better.
Often times, the solution, or change of process that I come up with, is not an easy one to execute, sometimes it confronts my belief system, sometimes it's really hard (like a break up) but the result is actually an easy life... Didn't someone once quote “hard choices, easy life... easy choices, hard life” ???
I hope my ex will reach out one day, to show me she has learned how to process breakups in a new and much improved way. I mean, that would be awesome, wouldn't it? I'd love to learn how she got to that point, what thought process she took. What feelings she had to get to the point she could contact me again.
I'd answer her call without malice, without agenda, without judgement. Only interest... Cause my first question would be:
“How did we get here?”.
That's right, no hard feelings. Not to my ex, not to those who wrote negative comments, not to anyone...
Honestly I've just tried to use this blog as a way to process my thoughts and feelings, to help you and me, by sharing what's on my mind and in my heart.
Thanks for reading and being part of the process,
Josh
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Listen, I got so caught up in Tyrus Week, spending hours and hours going through tags and liking posts and queuing reblogs, that I pretty much pushed everything else to the side. (Plus I’ve also been working on the next thing I’ll tell you guys about in the next few days.)
All that is to say, I got a lot of stuff in my inbox this last week, so I’m just going to tackle a bunch of them in... A LIGHTNING ROUND.
Let’s go.
And before you ask, yes, I made a graphic for it.
Looks like this Andi Mack finale party has turned into... a death party.
Would’ve been a strange choice for Terri Minsky to turn the finale of Andi Mack into a murder mystery, but if that’s what she wanted, I’d trust her.
I don’t watch that show but I know some people who do and they’ve told me it’s just light and airy and pleasant, so, yeah, sounds right up Cyrus’s alley.
You guys are shouting Lightning Round! every time the graphic comes up, right?
I, like TJ, am just some guy. I tell everyone who asks to call me Jay. Jay is long for “J”, which is short for another name that I, also like TJ, only let people related to me by blood or my soulmate know about. I will say it’s not Jagger, though. I wish.
That wasn’t my intention while writing TJ and the Gals, but as with all art, or whatever TJ and the Gals was, once it’s out of the creator’s hands, it belongs to the people.
No.
Thelonious Jagger Kippen Is A Hashtag Good Boi.
Shoutout to my FAQ page, where you can find information like this and more. Not blaming you, anon, I’ve gotten this a lot and the FAQ page is hard to find. I mostly just delete the question and let the anon live in mystery because I’m chaotic something. I’m only answering this now because it’s the
You know the shook_bitch? Thank them from me for getting Disney Channel to respond to them, and congratulate them on being the subject of the best comment the Disney Channel Instagram account ever made.
Yeah, I went back and checked and Jonah only says in 3x12 that his dad made a bad investment, not lost a job or anything.
It really seems like he’s been managing the Judy Bartholomew fortune all these years. We don’t know anything else of him other than he was once a background workout video guy and he has at least enough knowledge about baseball to coach little league.
Hopefully the new job is providing him with a solid salary, but if not, I think the world is ready for a Judy Bartholomew comeback.
Judy Bartholomew: Still Trottin’ After All These Years
I’m not entirely sure exactly which girl we’re talking about here. I think this one:
I will say, she does seem into it. She’s like, oh, things are about to get gay in here.
Honestly, there were so many background actors killing it in this scene.
You’ve got this guy...
...who hears the beginning of “Born This Way” and reacts like it’s ruined his evening. I mean, I was a little tired of it, too, when it was being played on the radio over and over and over, but it’s been some years. It’s not overplayed as much anymore and it definitely wouldn’t make me this upset. (He pops up later in the song and is happily dancing, so maybe he thought it was the beginning of a different song?)
Then there’s this girl...
...who is feeling it. She’s like, hell yeah, this is my jam!
And there’s this girl in the goggles...
...who, after TJ and Cyrus sing the “be myself, respect my youth” part, is like, okayyyy. I see you.
Here’s a fun(?) behind-the-scenes thing for this blog. A few months back, I was thinking about ways to replace “Moments” if we had, by some miracle, gotten a season four, since I would’ve run out of moments weeks after the finale. What I came up with was “The Random Andi Mack Extra of the Day.” It would’ve just been screenshots of random extras throughout the show’s run. Upon some reflection, this was a bad idea.
The first problem here is that I get the feeling those posts would’ve gotten, at most, 20-30 notes each, because no one really cares about random, out of context extras and it doesn’t seem like a thing people would want to reblog.
The second problem is, knowing myself, I probably would’ve spent hundreds of hours during the hiatus between s3 and s4 making 1000 of them in the first place, just so I could have them ready to go. I would’ve absolutely done this without testing the waters first to see if there was any interest. (Just like with the “Moments.” I made like 300 of them before I made the first post about them.)
So, the most likely scenario was going to be me, two weeks into “The RAMEotD,” looking at flopping posts, then looking at my folder of 800 screenshots of Andi Mack extras and going, “Well, what am I going to do, not post them? I already did all the work!” And I would keeping queuing them up, and they would keep appearing on this blog every day, and they would taunt me with their 22 notes. You remember the work you did? IT WAS FOR BUT A PITTANCE!
So I guess what I’m saying is maybe it’s for the best. The cancellation saves me from myself.
Hey, though, heads up. If and when you go back and watch the series again, pay attention to the extras -- the unsung heroes of the entertainment industry. There are some extras reallllly putting in work on this show. It absolutely adds to the delightful quality of Andi Mack. Every time I would spot someone in the background being goofy or really overselling whatever they were supposed to be experiencing, it filled me with joy.
It’s a fun show. Everything about it is fun, including the little details.
Ooh, a serious one. This is going to be my first ever hybrid Discussion/Analysis post.
Okay, so I think we’re talking about two different things here.
I won’t argue that I think Tyrus could have absolutely happened sooner and been explored more.
I obviously can’t say with certainty, but I assume that was at least somewhat the plan leading out of season two. The setup for their relationship was all already there by the end of it. They’d met, they had bumps, they grew really close, and they capped the whole season off with TJ looking back at Cyrus. All the elements were in place that you could jump right into this storyline in TJ’s next appearance. (Not necessarily them canoning, but at least the exploration of TJ’s feelings or some movement towards canoning.)
When Cyrus’s lookback happened, it was addressed in the very next episode (granted following a break in seasons). I don’t know that TJ’s would’ve been as immediate, but I don’t think you have him look back in the season two finale if you don’t intend on truly paying it off for 21 episodes. (Or, at least 13, if you want to say 3x13 was the real start of a storyline involving TJ’s homosexuality.)
So, yeah, look, I’m speculating wildly, but I would imagine the original creative idea was to address TJ’s lookback early in season three and start getting into it, and that, yes, that idea was likely kiboshed from above.
What I will argue is that the bench scene is subtle but not ambiguous. We’ve made the semi-joke constantly around here that there’s “No heterosexual explanation for this!” but, truly, there is no heterosexual explanation for the bench scene: two boys, one of whom has already explicitly stated he’s gay, slowly reaching for and holding each other’s hands, intertwining their fingers while they sit by the fire and stare into each other’s eyes, nervously smiling. This is something that has been built towards for multiple seasons. If you’ve been watching the show, if you’ve been paying attention to it, if you care about the characters, especially TJ and Cyrus, it’s very clear what’s happening here.
This feels like talking about people who weren’t sure Cyrus was gay after the first two times he came out because he didn’t use the word. Or people who thought Cyrus wasn’t gay anymore after he said his crush on Jonah was gone. I sympathize with some of the younger set who maybe don’t have the world sense to follow along with this, but, come on, at some point, we’re three seasons in and you have to keep up with the level of the storytelling. I don’t mean this in an insulting way, but if someone can’t get what’s happening here, then maybe this whole thing isn’t for them. Maybe if all they know right now is that Cyrus is gay and accepted and happy, then that’s good enough, and they can hold onto that idea and grow with that and catch the next train, whenever it comes along. Maybe this moment is for all the people who get it.
That’s about the kids in the casual audience. Now, if we’re talking about an adult homophobe -- one who would express the kind of outrage that we believe Disney fears -- it’s a different story. If an adult homophobe is really watching that scene and thinking, “Seems pretty straight to me” then it feels like it doesn’t matter what they would’ve done in the finale. They could’ve said “gay,” they could’ve said “boyfriend,” Cyrus and TJ could’ve lead a pride parade down the street outside Celia’s house while blasting -- well, I was going to pick a gay song here for the joke, but probably “Born This Way” would be the most appropriate one, so -- “Born This Way” from loud speakers, and that homophobe would’ve been like, “Nice parade.” As ignorant as homophobes are, even they are not that dense. An adult pretending Tyrus isn’t a couple after the bench scene requires a level of impenetrably willful ignorance.
Anyway, the truth is that angry homophobes aren’t watching the show. They never do. They like to read headlines and get mad, but they’re cowardly and, most of all, lazy, and they don’t like to put in the actual footwork. They like to leave comments on articles they haven’t read, about shows they haven’t watched. They like to post reactions to stuff they see in their Facebook feed or send one sentence responses like, “There goes Disney Channel!!!” or “What is happening to our country?!?!” And then they like to scroll on to the next thing that will feed their sad rage about how the world is changing around them.
If you want to think about Disney censorship as a way of preventing those homophobes from being outraged, it’s not the textuality of the scene itself, it’s the placement at the end. Delaying them canoning until the finale just makes for less work. Show’s over. There’s nothing to defend. No one’s signing a petition to get a show off the air that’s just aired its last episode. Most of the articles written will be about everything happening in the finale, and Tyrus would just be a part of it.
And that is more or less what’s happened. Just about every major article I’ve seen about the finale has discussed Tyrus, and discussed them as textually getting together -- again, there’s no ambiguity there -- but has also brought them up in conjunction with what happened with Andi and Jonah, with Muffy getting together, and with Andi getting into SAVA. And the articles themselves tend to largely be about the show ending as a whole and its impact. (No one needs to send me articles trying to prove or disprove this. I’ve been over a lot of them. Some are more Tyrus focused -- the ones in the gay media for sure -- and some just mention it -- more traditional media sources. This is the general gist of most of them.)
So the article headlines mostly read “Andi Mack Finale” or “Andi Mack Ends Run” or something like that. The homophobes -- who, again, aren’t watching the show and are getting all their information about it via article headlines -- see those headlines and don’t even remember Andi Mack was the show they hated from two years ago because their rage is mostly performative and short-lived. They get mad in the minute but forget about the specifics of the stuff within a day.
Like I said in the recap, I won’t argue that there’s a scene with more that wouldn’t work, but I personally don’t see the bench scene as not having accomplished everything it needed to.
Oh, that went longer than I thought it was going to be. Not very lightning round of me.
This actually got sent a while back but it was still in my inbox and I figured I’d throw it in here in case the anon saw it. Lightning round!
Sorry, anon, I wasn’t ignoring you and I appreciate you reading my old recaps, but you were the second anon to piece together that I am actually blessed with psychic powers.
I don’t really have any plans to, sorry.
I had only planned to do one set before and after the finale for Tyrus Week, but I will point you and anyone else interested in making their own TJ and Cyrus texts to this post I made that should give you the basic tools needed for the job. (Use them! You wouldn’t believe what a pain in the butt it was to get that background clean like that!)
Thank you, honestly. That’s so, so sweet. But I have no plans to do that.
Like I mentioned at the start of this post, I’m working on something now that I’ll tell you guys about shortly that’s look-backy and will hit on some stuff from those seasons. (Though not in the same vein as the recaps.)
The recaps take a long time to produce, and as much as I’ve loved this show and this fandom, I will be honest and tell you guys I am sort of planning my exit.
This blog has become something of a part-time job for me. Not in the work sense because I have truly enjoyed all this, but just in the time sense. I’ve put a lot of time in and I would like to rededicate that time back toward other things I’ve put on hold for the last year and a half.
It’s starting to feel like making you shout Lightning Round! each time was a mistake now that I’m answering stuff seriously or sadly.
I was getting emotional multiple times while writing it, because of the show, because of the fandom, because of this whole journey we’ve all been on together.
I appreciate you saying this so much because that’s what I’ve always hoped has come through in the things I’ve written about this show. That I’ll make jokes or point out holes or goofy details or whatever, but that I couldn’t do this -- I couldn’t commit myself to this as much as I have -- if I truly didn’t love the show. That everything I’m doing here comes from a place of love and celebrating the show and embracing it for its good stuff and its silly stuff.
It wasn’t a perfect show, but that was always what made it kind of perfect.
Thanks for the asks. Thus ends the lightning round.
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Notes on a Blog Cleanup (& some other stuff) Part 4
Made it all the way back to to page 1000.
Started with 3021 pages. Currently have 2954 pages, adding in posting 10 - 13 times a day for the last month... deleted somewhere around 87 pages of posts (or around 1300 total). I’m in April 2015. So it took two and a half years to do 50% of my posting here and nearly another year and a half to get that down to 2/3rds. It’ll just speed up from here.
Anyway, here’s a bunch of words about tumblr, fandom, and Doctor Who.
I’ve found myself deleting more news articles lately. There’s almost no cringe-y stuff left. If I go back and do this again it’ll be even more deleting current events stuff unlessI connected to it somehow.
A LOT of the content creation I ever did happened in this time. I did so much giffing for Who’s Line, a lot of video game stuff, especially Mass Effect, cause you know, it’s me, and a lot of edits and such. Some way better quality than others. I was also getting thousands of notifications a day from the few things I did that were really popular back then (still sometimes get notes on that Whose Line/Elmo/Game of Thrones gifset to this day).
I know I’m not like, the best at gifs and edits, but hey, I think some of it is like, pretty good? There’s a few things I’m a little sad about that just never took off, but I bet all people who try and post OC on Tumblr feel that way about some of their stuff. A few things I made did surprisingly well, though.
I still will make the odd gif/photoset there that’s more than just “here’s some nice screenshots I took slightly edited” but honestly, I feel like these days it’s so hard to get many notes on tumblr at all? Like there’s just so fewer people making stuff, and even less reblogging gifsets/photosets? Idk, maybe it’s something more specific to my overall followers and who you all follow? But I made a joking post a couple of days ago about my dash feeling weird because not everything is specifically tailored to me after scrolling through my blog, but on the OTHER hand, I also feel like, overall Tumblr has become just yet another place to post memes and text posts and has the big problem of the Reddit/Twitter/Tumblr/Instagram (+TickTock) circle where each place is like 50% screenshots/reposts of content the others? This obviously isn’t a criticism of any actual people, but just... what tumblr has become the last year or two? Is it just me? Like you can find some gifsets and such with a couple thousand notes here and there but... just not as much is being produced now? Does that make sense?
Like a month or two ago I spent a couple of hours specifically looking for good general fandom blogs specific to several fandoms I’m in and... it’s hard to even find those blogs anymore. Like, “fuckyeah” type blogs that are someone’s sideblog about a specific topic. And hey, believe me, I’ve created and abandoned several of these kinds of blogs on my time here (and at least one I’d keep up with but.. it just doesn’t have any content being generated for it so it’s just... sparse) so I get it. Maybe I’m just not looking in the right places, I don’t know.
I keep wondering how much longer I’m going to keep doing this little project, and then every 10 or pages I come across a post I didn’t tag properly that’s now been found, or something I just really wanna get off my blog and I’m like “Welp, when I stop finding these, I’ll stop looking. So maybe in like, 2018. :p LIterally finding posts I forgot I ever made in the first place and like has made it worth it.
Notes on TAH Fandom
This was also the phase of being heavily heavily like SO heavily into The Thrilling Adventure Hour. And I have a lot of thoughts on that, too.
Literally, one of the best decisions of my life, tbh. Not every moment of being like a SuperFan of this thing was sunshine and roses, but most of them really were. Honestly, I made such good friends. I had some extraordinary experiences, doing things that I wouldn’t have otherwise done, for sure. I traveled to Seattle, Chicago, New York twice, and LA three times, hanging out with new friends, and getting to know the cast of a thing I loved so much, and also somehow getting to be known by them as well. There were things that happened that I didn’t blog about here because I never wanted to come off as braggy, or just to keep a confidence. There were a few not-as-great things that happened during that time, but basically, 2014 through mid-November 2015 will likely go down as one of the best time periods of my life, for a lot of reasons, but a good chunk of that was the experiences I had through TAH.
Hoo boy though, I blogged about it a LOT. Like, it felt like almost as much as early blog was about Doctor Who. I was, uh, real enthusiastic and am now kinda regretful about some of those early fandom tags. Also turns out some of the TAH people looked at my blog more than I knew, I think, so a little yikes there thinking back on it now. But also I was kind and helpful a lot, so all of that was good.
This is a good recap post of all of the awesome stuff. And even that glosses over a lot of the really cool stuff, or skirts around some of it, just to try and stay brief about it.
One of the big things I learned from that experience was that being a very involved person in a fandom is such a double-edged sword. For one thing, it honestly became somewhat of a second job for me, which I 100% put upon myself. But running FYTAH (with Shannon!) and admining/writing a large percentage of the TAH Wiki (with Ange!), working in the booths at conventions (with Jena + Shannon/Kitty/Jamie/Dani) and being available to help in a variety of other ways was A Lot. Which again, I took on willingly. And Ange warned me about it several times but I was like “No I want to do this.” So then it also kind of turned into like a customer service job even outside of working at the cons. After awhile you gotta smile and be nice allllll the time. I ended up taking a lot of things offline to a small subset of friends. And most of that came from other fans, not from the show itself (except like, feeling like I couldn’t show my true disappointment when the show was ending, or feeling like I couldn’t air any criticisms I had about the show except in very private conversations.)
At one point I was having an email conversation with a couple of those friends and realized that, for the first time in my life, I was like a “popular kid”, which was weird. And I tried my damnedest to be as welcoming and inclusive and not to let anyone feel left out. But also there’s a point where like, you can only take on so much, and you can only be actual friends with so many people? You can be kind and welcoming and enthusiastic and all, but you only have so much time and energy to give away. There were so many messages I never answered still sitting in my / the FYTAH inbox or in email and some on twitter because I just didn’t have the bandwidth to give away sometimes. It was a weird lesson to learn because I knew it so well in general in my personal life, but had never had to apply it... in this way before? Does that sound weird? Or braggy? I feel like I’m walking on land mines with this one.
For a more specific example of what I mean, in March, 2015 ten of us rented a house and lived in it for a long weekend for the TAH 10th anniversary show + a fun getaway vacation. Everyone invited was someone I knew or were close with someone else in the group. A few more people had been invited but couldn’t afford it, so word got around a little bit. And it was AMAZING. But I later heard that there were a few people, most of whom I didn’t really know, were hurt that they weren’t invited. Jena and I spent dozens of hours and put a lot of financial risk into being the custodians of the trip for even the ten of us, and it was a huge undertaking. It was never meant to be a thing for the entire fandom, just a group of people who were already friends. But there was still a small kerfluffle from a few people about it. Which, I TOTALLY get feeling bad about being left out but... it was always supposed to be a relatively small thing, never any kind of “Official Fandom Get Together”. And we definitely didn’t have the time/money/ability to host an “open call for anyone to come” type thing. Just coordinating 10 people (and about 25 - 30 overall getting together to hang out at designated times over the weekend) was... more than enough.
At one point sometime later people started suggesting that we organize and hold an actual TAH-Con and I... let that one pass me by without really talking about it. It was definitely too much, and even then I knew it. And I mean, the shadow of Dashcon was still hanging over all fandoms heavily in those days. I wasn’t about to become the next Dashcon. It never got past a few emails being passed around.
So yeah, to be honest, if I could go back and do those years again, I absolutely would, it was like 95% awesomeness. But I think in regards to some of the fandom-specific things, I’d be a little less of a doormat, and I’d be a little more careful about spreading myself too thin.
So now that the show is “back”, I am enjoying listening to it, and I’ll reblog some things or post big news on FYTAH, but I’ve been lazy about even helping out with the wiki (I keep meaning to get back to it, Ange is still doing great) because... although I’m still a HUGE fan, I also am gonna be more laid back about it now.
I also haven’t REALLY loved a thing in the same way since TAH. The closest there has been is Critical Role, and I’ve been real careful to stay out of any actual fandom stuff there. I really love the thing, but I’m gonna keep with my group of 5 or 6 other fans I already know (all from other fandoms) who love the thing too, and stay out of wider discussions. With some of the stuff happening there lately, it was a good decision.
Wow, that was a lot of words. Sorry.
Hey one last thing to catch up on.
Doctor Who Rewatch 2019!
I’m now already at 6x01, into the Silence episodes.
So I did finally rewatch the Desert Bus episode that I hated so much before and like... this time... it was fine? Cheesy and all, but not so bad that I should have hated it as much as I did? Also noticed the Doctor doing the classic “gonna hit on this girl really hard in the beginning then drop her so quick at the end” thing to the companion of the week. Ah, Ten. The most bi-polar of all Doctors. I’m gonna be honest, I decided to skip on through Waters of Mars because I realized I was just ready to be done with Ten at that point. I’ll probably go back to it at some point but I wasn’t ready for another Ten Temper Tantrum, maybe the worst one of all, in that episode.
So I finished Ten (and oh man that whole two-parter to end Ten with... like the whole Master plotline is such a stinker. The first half, in particular, is so bad, the only really good scene is the one in the cafe with Wilf. The rest of it... wow. Wasn’t that whole thing written like the week before filming and never really edited or something? IDK.) The last half hour or so is really good though, with Ten’s sacrifice (after a tantrum) and then all the companion goodbyes (except Joan Redfern’s granddaughter, bleh).
But yay, on to Eleven and Amy and Rory and more River!
Season Five is... wow it starts off strong and really stalls there in the middle for a bit. Picks back up a bit with Rory returning, then somehow has two great episodes without Rory and ends strong, though the first pretty nonsensical Moffat-era “this doesn’t make sense but it looks and sounds so good you don’t care, right?” season arc and ending. Season six, I’m already remembering, is way, way worse for that. But anyway. Rory remains my second favorite companion ever. And episodes with Amy, Rory and River continue to be my favorites. Also? Matt Smith is so good.
But even early on in season six I’m remembering how really dumb the overarching plotline is... Moffat is great at “Oh man this will be cool so I’m gonna throw it in there! (and it really is some very cool stuff!) and hope it all makes sense later! Or just don’t think about it too hard!”
Honestly though, despite all the quibbles, most of the episodes work on an individual level if you don’t think about the the overall arc Moffat is trying to do. Even those that are a bit sloggy, like the Cold Blood/Hungry Earth two-parter, have enough great moments to justify watching them. (Ambrose is still maybe one of the worst “regular people” characters to ever be on this show, though.) There’s still no “Fear Her”. And that’s pretty good.
Also? The blog itself is now about as Doctor Who oriented as it is in the last year. Like... oh the season is airing? There’s a lot more good stuff to reblog, I’ll reblog good stuff. Season not airing, a scattered post here and there. It’s a much better place to be.
After Amy and Rory leave, that was about the end of my true like “Doctor Who Obsession” phase. On my Blog we’re in the break between Amy and Rory leaving and Clara showing up. I never really clicked with Clara, I think like a lot of people. Like I really liked the season with Danny, but after that season I never really rewatched episodes, so I’m looking forward to getting there and experiencing some stuff again for the second time.
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Branch-Chief--Faba
It's me, the former owner of branch-chief--faba.
Someone I know pointed out the post @trash-troll made and after reaching out to them they did imply me with their post. So let's start out with the obvious; me writing this post means I'm alive. Though I should add 'barely' to that.
Trash-Troll showed me screenshots of people talking about me. And after them convincing me to do it I've decided to write my version of what happened or more importantly.. how I feel about the whole thing. I am not here to debunk anything.. because it will become a he said/she said thing. Let’s just go into this wall of text by saying both parties fucked up.
The end of 2017 and all of 2018 were pretty bad for me, mentally. I was hurt and lost and I didn't know what to do. A year prior to that I made the blog. It was fun! I never had so many people reaching out to me and willing to spend time to me. That was a whole new experience and in hindsight I didn't know how to deal with it. This isn't me debunking or saying something did or didn't happen but I guess I was in over my head. I had never been popular or even had friends before. Or friends who weren't forced to hang with me because of college or them being co-workers. You know how proud I was that people found me cute or pretty when I posted a selfie? Yeah that never happened before. It boosted my self esteem sky high.
I did some things that in hindsight weren't smart or downright stupid. I let people play me. I fought battles for people I should have never fought. I was just so afraid that if I didn't do it- they leave and I'd be alone again. I didn’t purposely stick my nose in other’s business. I just wanted to help and now i feel that some people really took advantages of that. In that sense this blog was both a blessing.. and a curse for me. I was so obsessed with keeping everyone happy that I forgot my own happiness and I forgot to look further than the tip of my nose and to please some people I hurt some others, unintentional at the time.. but I understand now and I’m sorry.
I can only apologise for it now. I am to blame for my actions even though they were inspired by others and sometimes it was peer pressure. I admit that I should've been stronger when i was in a discord made to slam a group of people. I've been a fool and absolutely stupid. You know those PSA’s when they tell you doing nothing is as bad as the bullying? Yeah. At times i was the bystander... and I wish I could undo it but I can’t.
I feel like (now that I've seen screenshots..) that sometimes I was set up to vent about a person only for it to be shared. Was it fair for me to vent? Yes and no. In my eyes- I was hurt by a few people and I thought the person i was talking to (this venting only happened one on one, never in a group.) was someone I could trust. I know better now and I feel stupid. I said things in pure emotion and in confidence. I was angry and hurt and I just wanted to vent those feelings. Again, I'm the fool for walking into such an obvious trap. I don't blame anyone but myself. I should’ve know better. I really should. However, this isn't just about me.
There are things people did that are wrong too. Things that hurt me. I will never forget me finding the courage to call someone out on how their actions harmed me mentally and them saying that 'It was my own fault for being too emotionally attached to them'. That's painful and that hurts, even today it haunts me to my core.
I won't forget that I was doxxed, that i got daily anons to kill myself, that they wish I had cancer, etc. Even though I enjoyed writing Faba up till that point I just had to slow down. I had up to 1000 asks at the end of it and a lot of them were nasty anons. I deleted one and two came in it's place. Eventually I just had to stop for my own sanity. I know people suggested and would suggest now that I just should’ve turned the anons off but again. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I thought that turning them off would mean people wouldn’t like me anymore, because there were good anons too! I figured ‘why should they suffer because of a few’ and in hindsight.. I should’ve just turned the anons off. I know hindsight is 20/20 but..
It was around that time almost everything went sour and I still don't know why. This is not me being a idiot, I really don't know why. I am still so socially awkward and figuring out human emotions is hard for me. Sometimes I don't understand until someone tells me 'Hey I'm mad at you because you did X or Y' I'm working on it though but it's not easy.
I won’t forget how a duo of a cis man and a cis woman reached out to someone and pretended to be a gay couple. And I will never forgive myself for not stopping it. And if you were the victim of this and if you read this then I’m so sorry. Know that I am absolutely disgusted with myself.
I will not forget how a new discord was made without me.. and the reason I wasn’t welcome? I was a supposed transphobe. I am not. Since deleting I’ve had A LOT of time to myself and I came to few conclusions about my gender and my sexual identity. DO NOT even think about use my dead name. I can’t believe someone would say that about me.
I know people think I’m just some money hound and out for that but I’m not. I don’t give a single shit about money. I care about happiness and I’m not getting it and because of it I’m not growing as a person.
I won’t forget how hurt I was by the actions of a few. And I can’t forget because I feel it .. even today. It consumes me and I already hear people laughing about it. Because ‘haha look at this dumb fuck, right? It’s been a year.” but I just can’t. It’s etched so deep inside me that it makes me sick.
I know you know who I'm talking about it. And I know you know it's you. I’m doing a favour and not tag anyone I’m going to leave the responsibility to owe up to your actions to you and if you don’t.. then that also speaks volumes about you as a person. And those people I'm talking about need to take a good hard look at themselves. Instead of posting that 'the evil is defeated' gif or celebrating someone deleting out of despair. Because this is not the only story to tell. There are LOADS more. Trash-Troll showed me. Please just be kinder..
I cannot change the past and I will never deny myself having some part in it.. but no one should feel like I do over fandom stuff. NO ONE. And no one can really help you if you see someone get doxxed, bullied or threatened and you sit back thinking 'eh they deserve it' no one deserves it. I know we live in an age where internet is part of our lives. But for many the internet is a safe space where they can just be a little looser than usual. Just block people.
What happened after I left this blog? I started by deleting my Discord, there were too many bad memories attached to it so I just dumped the whole thing out. I send a message explaining why I did it and send a few people who I thought I could trust my new discord. That not a single soul accepted my new friend request.. yeah that stung pretty hard. So, after keeping it up for two months and resending the friend requests.. I just deleted that one too.
I stopped using my other socials, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. I had to quit my job. If you can recall it wasn't a job that required a lot of thinking so my thoughts were allowed to run wild. Sometimes I started working and I just didn't know how I got to the end of my shift. It was just.. there. I'd black out thinking about the whole mess. I was feeling numb for months, nothing would bring me joy or sadness. It was like I was stuck in the ocean. Just below the surface and not being able to reach out. I could see people on the shore and I could swear they could see me too, but it was safer to let me drown.
I deleted all my tumblrs too. All of them. I didn't want anything to do with this place. I moved to twitter for a bit when I got lonely but that didn't stick. I had a few odd conversations but Twitter isn’t really the best place to talk about things I figured.
I tried to get myself to draw and write again but I couldn't.. I just couldn't. I tried but every time I opened a word document or put pen on paper I'd get antsy and panic-y. I couldn't bring myself to create anything at all. Not writing, not art, nothing. Even drawing original characters or other fandom stuff. I couldn't.
I was and still am too afraid to share anything with anyone. My brain goes through a whole series of 'what ifs' when i'm trying to write or draw. "What if they like it and we get talking and I mess up again." or "What if I put a lot of effort in a work and people will ignore it on purpose because they know it's me?" those kinds of thoughts.
My whole memory is warped. What really happend and what did my brain make up. I am not saying I’m not to blame for things, either partly or wholly but I NEVER had the intention to hurt people on purpose. I’m not hiding behind anything but fact remains that I am socially malformed. I don’t understand things. I spend the first 16 years of my life basically talking to no one and when I did.. I was the ‘weird kid’ or I heard my peer saying ‘Don’t talk to the freak.. so weird!’ I was never raised to be social and then I was dropped in a very social group full of very colourful people.I didn’t know how to handle it and it drove me literally nuts.
I feel into a deep depression and the last two months of 2018 are a haze for me. I barely remember anything. I don’t remember Christmas, I don’t remember New Years. It’s a blur. I almost died a couple of times, it's no secret. And for that I have the permanent reminder... I'm glad I didn't do it though.
Now it's 2019 and 2019 is almost over; how am I doing now?
Not much better. I still have the fear to create. I want to but I can’t. I still barely touch my socials because of my paranoia of people finding me and the whole circus starting again. I use my instagram because of cosplay commission stuff and I only use my Twitter to support some artists on there. Even then I keep this ‘neutral-someone-everyone-can-like-persona’ just this safe ‘brand type’ posts.
I'm only back on Tumblr for this and I won't be coming back. This isn't a revival tour. It's like one last song to send everyone on their way.
Please leave others alone. I truly am not on Tumblr and do not plan to come back not now or ever. I do not have a sneaky hidden blog. All the blogs I used to own are either dead or I just gave it to people who used to own blogs with me.
It's very painful for me to write this all out. I know I'm missing a lot of parts. To summarise; while I did some things that I'm not proud of. I cannot believe the lengths people went to to make me feel horrible about myself.
I cannot believe you guys would share some things about me that I wanted to keep private. That I thought was pretty private and you would understand. I'm sickened by the lies told about me and disgusted that it's still going in 2019, almost a year after I deleted everything.
I gave my new discord to people and those people never accepted and that's fine, it hurts but it's fine. I never bothered them or sought contact. I will admit that I once accidentally send a snapchat to someone.. but I promise that was an honest accident. I didn’t mean to. But I just don't get the feeling the same thing is happening and I have proof from people that I'm right.
Can you not post my trauma for all to see? That's not justice that's just being a dick... I have no other word for it. Being an evil dick. I never spoke badly about any of you after the whole thing. I will admit that .. in my anger when it all was going on, I did vent to people and TRUST me I regret that. I thought it would stay between us but it leaked..
Do the same for me and please have the decency to apologise for the things you did and just.. stop putting my private shit online without my consent. What I shared, I shared because I felt I could trust people. It was never about sympathy because I do not want it.
You gain nothing except the satisfaction that you gave me a kick again by sharing it. Which is a horrendous move. You’re not getting even, you’re winning at being a dick..
I want to be left alone. I want that confirmation of 'hey we're leaving you alone now'. I want to go back before I was paranoid. It’s not a fun thing. It’s maddening to think something behind EVERYONE’s action. Deep down.. I know better but I can’t stop. It’s a problem and I’m working on it.
I want NOTHING to do with Pokemon OR it's fandom. I won't be purchasing games or other media from it. I just gave away my copies of the 3DS games to people who wanted them. The whole thing is too triggering to me.
I wish I could pick up a pencil or pen and draw and write again without having a panic attack and I wish I could show myself on my private social media again without people watching me.
I know you guys doxxed me before using my Facebook- It's not weird of me to think people could do it again.
I don't mind it, if you hit me up and talk to me via this blog. You can reply to this post or just us DM. My only rule is to be civil. I am being civil too even though I feel empty, numb and sick.
And finally.. I apologise for EVERYONE who people thought were me. You don’t deserve that. No one does.
Well I guess this mystery is solved, what happens next is wholly up to you. I am not going to reach out myself. I made that promise.
I’m posting this because I have nothing else left to lose. Please show me you’re capable of human decency. And some things only God can forgive. That goes for me too.
And just to proof it’s me; I will be tagging this post as I always did; using my old tags.
#branch-chief--faba#spring bean text#faba#branch chief faba#pokemon#pokemon rp#pokemon rp community#aether foundation
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About me
Yeah, so guess what, this post is indeed about me (surprise!). I interact with a lot of you on a daily basis and sometimes I wonder who is behind the profile. Why? I’m a curious creature but I thought that maybe it would be nice if I tell you a little bit about who is behind StarScreamLoki. And because I’m bored on this lovely Saturday-evening, I thought why not? This post actually got way longer than I expected, ah well... If you have more questions, feel free to IM me, reblog, reply, send smoke signals, whatever floats your goat (yes that is on purpose a goat).
Some basic stats
29 years young, based in the Netherlands, non-binary (pronouns she/her/he/him), and I have a lovely partner (who supports me to the fullest in this crazy fandom and everything I do actually) and two cats!
Where does your profile name come from?
Oh, the horror and the blessing. Star Scream is a name from a Transformer (I really don’t know which one, don’t care either actually, haha) I just really loved the name Star Scream and I had to add something to it to create this account and well, since the focus of this account was to be Loki it wasn’t really hard to figure it out ;-)
Other blabs in random order
I’m a larper (something that I hold very dear to my heart and is very important for me). I’m an archer. I can sword-fight. I’m a coder (front end developer). I’m a graphic designer. I’m a leather artist (yes I create items from leather, like complete armours and stuff). I’m an event-organizer (I own a business for that). I have a blue belt karate(currently not practicing anymore). I am very creative in any possible way, making my own clothing (mostly for larp), coloring, pixelhobby, painting, cross-stitching... ... I’m going to stop here because that creative list is endless actually. And I’m a writer!
Yeah, if you wonder by now how I manage all the above; ADHD ;-)
Behind the writer
Some time ago I answered some questions about my writing. Might as well throw them in here.
How long have you been writing?
I’ve been writing since I was a teenager, 14 I think. I’ve written for various fandoms though I lost all that work. It’s not worth searching for it either, not that good. Haha.
Are you a writes-too-much-description type of fanfic writer, or the writes-too-much-dialogue fanfic writer?
Definitely a writes-too-much-description writer. I have trouble writing a good conversation because I have this thing where I can’t break conversations with an action of a character or if they interrupt one-other. For me power lies in details but I know I have to be very careful not to put too much detail in there otherwise it will get messy. You’ve got no clue how many words I delete when checking up on a work before posting it.
What is your specialty as a fanfic writer?
To quote from the description of my blog: “I'm the demon that prowls the angst/hurt/dark/whump/sub!Loki abyss.”
What was the best work (completed or not) that you’ve written so far, in your own opinion?
I’ve got two. The first one would be Follow the Blind. I started writing this for myself thinking nobody would like it but everyone was raving about it. Before I was even aware this thing grew from a one-shot to ‘a couple of chapters’ to the longest thing I’ve written.
The Second fic is Cold Blood and Dead Hearts. I’ve written it in a matter of days and after I finished it I just fell in some black hole and it took me a couple of weeks to figure out next what to write. Ah yes, the familiar writers-drop...
If you were to write a crossover between any fandoms, what would they be and why? Give us a snippet of the two worlds colliding.
I think I answered yesterday something along those same lines but I’m dying to throw Loki to the wolves vampires. A cross-over between him and meeting Klaus from the Originals would be something I’d write but I really don’t know if people would like that. The snippet, I don’t know, probably these two just setting the world on fire for fun and/or having the most disturbing steamy sex.
Do you make outlines for your works, even your one shots?
Mostly I do. I just create headings with pieces of plot and drabble scenes in there. I also create a short excerpts for Original Characters and for skills/characteristics. If I have to write a character that stems from a movie/book/series/pick your poison, that I know very little about, I make sure to do my research and place that in the outlines as well.
Have you ever been able to write more than 1,000 words in one sitting? How did that make you feel?
Hahhahahaah. When I have the writers-heat I only start at 1000 words in one sitting. That amount is no challenge for me whatsoever for some weird reason. When I have the plot and characters in mind, I tend to type so fast and so much I sometimes fear I’ll break my keyboard. Mostly this is a problem as well when I want to write a one-shot and I ‘barely started writing’ and I’m just past the intro and I’m like, “Well shit, 5000 words already. Guess I’m going with multi-chapter.”
Behind the larper-er/RP-er
As some of you know I run another blog @loki-the-predator. It is my ask- and rp-blog for Loki. I have been rp-ing for 8 years by now, mostly in real life since I’m a larper. I think this is where my ability to characterize so well comes from (yeah, a lot of you have told me I do an amazing job at that so I stan it by now). I have an insane amount of characters including complete costumes which I have created myself. I play most of my characters at larps and they vary from elves to demons. My trademark is chaotic neutral so they are usually a little evil. I own my own larp-event for which I write a lot of characters too.
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oh my god it’s a bad idea someone has probably already done before with terrible results. but that’s my sim secret, i’m always terrible, so here we go.
when i posted that thing the other day, or last week or whenever, this is the post i wanted to make. i had written most of it and saved it in my drafts, but i thought maybe it wasn’t a good idea. thinking about it today, i’ve realized i don’t really care. i may still delete this post or hide it later, so get your looks in now.
there’s basically 4 hate secret archetypes:
you’re shit
your cc is shit
your sims are shit
and my favorite,
you did this thing unrelated to sims, don’t do that, it’s shit
some people who receive these secrets don’t deserve them. i can’t say whether or not i did, since i am biased, as i am me. but there are a lot of people i’ve seen get picked at who really don’t deserve it and cannot take that kind of rejection from the community. everyone who has ever gotten a hate secret that they felt was unfounded needs to remember: you don’t just have to take shit your entire life from people who treat you like trash. you can also rare back like a horse and hoof them in the face.
so what i’m going to do in this post is go back through all the secrets i have saved that were directed towards me and critique them on how founded they were. and perhaps how nice they looked.
at the same time, i’m going to tell you exactly what i felt about them when i first saw them and exactly what i feel now. and i may not be very nice. in fact, after having written the rest of this post, i wasn’t nice at all.
chances are, the people who made the secrets did the right thing and stopped following me or looking at my blog a long time ago. and that’s a very healthy thing to do, i’m proud of them. however, possibly, the people who submitted these secrets might be people i know and have talked to, or still talk to. the problem with simsecret is, you never fucking know. maybe i submitted one of these and don’t remember. that’s right, i was me all along.
now, first of all, i must commend this person on making an aesthetically pleasing secret. i mean, the part that they added actually matches my old blog theme a little bit. however, i have to dock points for lack of consistency in that second pooklet. i’m not going to give grammar too terribly hard of a time, because i’m not going to complain about people who may not be native english speakers. i have no way of knowing. but consistency? you get an 8/10.
let me explain you a thing. when a lot of people start posting in any community, it’s easy to be nervous about people critiquing your personal choices. for me, this was a big stumbling block. i emulated pooklet and azaya because their games looked good. they were two people in this community that fanned the flames of my love for ts2 into a fire that will burn for centuries.
this was also when pooklet had just released their lovely templates, which i still use, and they are likely to be the only templates i use until the day that i make my own. milkshape consistency is important to me and diverse facial features are important to me (keep in mind, this was before custom sliders). i would like to think that i evolved as someone who can make sims that look distinctly like my own, despite being based on someone else's templates, but everyone is entitled to their opinion.
nothing is ever going to please everybody. i could release a lovingly crafted piece of cc every day for the rest of my life and someone would complain about me clogging up their dash instead of unfollowing me. but to someone who is new in the community, criticism like this is much more harsh than you may intend it to be and may have an amplified effect. derivation is common in the start of new hobbies, even you probably derived at some point.
the second secret that was specifically aimed towards me is so low effort, i would give it a 3/10. or a 6 out of 9, you somehow fucked it from both ends by making this shit off-center.
first, if you have a similar opinion, you may need to learn the fact that i may prefer to view different things with my eyeballs than you do. since i only have my eyeballs, and not yours, i tend to pick colors i like.
you may think to yourself, “well, why did you make that top area of shirt a different color to the bottom area of shirt??”, and i will tell you, they are not both shirt. the top part is a jacket overlay or some shit. it was a different color on yuxi’s original as well. as for the color choice, i just liked them. especially the middle one, which i tested colors on for half an hour because i knew i wanted to keep that minty jacket and i had already used too much purple.
what does using colorblind as an insult accomplish in this context? you are criticizing something that, if i actually had it, would be a type of disability i could not help. say it’s shit, and say it’s shit to my face so that i know not to share these things with you.
at least use better colors. my colors are notoriously eye-searing but that red is about to give me a goddamn aneurysm. 6/10.
i don’t know how to break it to the original maker of this secret, but much like the tooth fairy does not exist, perfect humans also do not exist. why are you holding me to a higher standard than other people and then discarding me the moment i do something you personally do not like? you liked me. i fucked up. you liked me less than if someone you disliked did the same fucking thing?
in 2015, adfuck was a shitshow, but it is nowhere near the shitshow it is now. i also always provided a secondary link without adfly. i did that shit where i made it smaller for a couple of posts. i did the scum thing. i thought it would be lucrative and help my situation a tiny bit. a dollar earned from adfuck was a dollar i did not have before, and if you’re dying from starvation a dollar will save your life.
the subtext is, if you were afraid of viruses, you should have used the non adfuck link every time. if you were like me, and you had downloaded a thousand things from behind mandatory adfucks with your block disabled before the skipper (the adfly skipper, not like, a sea captain or anything) and hadn’t had a problem, you could very easily toss 1/1000 of a cent to a creator whose work you liked.
my stance on adfucks have changed drastically since 2015. i would never do it again because of its more clear association with viruses and the fact that i do not enjoy knowing that i could’ve made other people’s lives immensely shittier by being complicit in fucking up their computer. but i did do it, and no amount of apologizing is going to change that.
for future record, if you ever find one of my old, reblogged furbyq-sims posts, never click the shortened link. use the non adfuck one. i would have to push link shorteners every single nanosecond of my entire life for it to ever pay anything of substance, and i refuse to promote shorteners anymore. i will never cash it out, so clicking the links is a waste of time. since i deleted furbyq-sims, i cannot edit the links out. do not click them.
do note that during my run with adfuck, i received 579 total clicks that registered as ‘valid’ or what-the-fuck-ever. those clicks amounted to $1.53 USD. when people use adfucks, be aware that they are doing so to make, probably at most like $5 USD a month if they get thousands of non-blocked clicks. it is the definition of pointless. the danger element is enough to put most people off, the shitty pay should take the rest of them, and yet.
“hey, stop spamming” “hey, to resolve this, spam more” what do you fucking want from me?
again i’m pretty sure this person is not a native speaker, so i’m not going to poke at the grammar more than to mention that contradiction. you got your point across very well. remember to add a white outline to your text next time. 7/10.
let me tell you, desperation will make you do things that may not make sense to anyone else at the time.
think about this: my mom has serious lymph node deficiency that contributes to her getting pneumonia frequently. she’s on an oxygen concentrator at this time. now, oxygen concentrators are the thing that you get when a person needs nearly full-time oxygen. you don’t get a million tanks, you just get a single concentrator, which requires continuous electricity to work. ring ring it’s the electric company, your power is getting turned off tomorrow. you call hospice, hospice is like “well we can get a notice to them in like, two days” so you panic. you scramble for what you believe at that moment is the most important thing, regardless of whether or not you are right.
people who are in need will generally get help to some extent on the internet if they are brave enough to ask. but when it is a dire thing, you will reblog the post as many times as it takes to soothe your profound panic. every time you reblog, maybe one more person will see it. maybe that person will reblog, someone will see that and send $5 your way to help. you have got to keep things like this moving, if you do not ask you will not receive anything and dead posts are as good as not asking.
i don’t mean to sound overly terse, but i do sound that way for a reason, because some things are worth being terse over. and i hope, i hope to whatever deity may actually exist, that you never have to be in that position, where you know exactly why i did what i did. because it means you’re living in hell and it is no place to be.
i know this is an undertale reference of some kind. i don’t understand it, i haven’t played the game. if you’re going to say something mean to someone, maybe you should use your own words instead of formatting cryptic bullshit that includes the word 'garbage’. 3/10.
if you’re going to insult someone, be specific. because when you insult someone, you wield a sword. when i get stabbed, i want it to be a killing blow to my heart and not some lukewarm stabbing about in my midsection. fucking kill me or leave me alone. those are the options, pick one.
people in the sims community make custom content. and some of it is great, and some of it is shitty. and sometimes, both of those things can come from the same person, because everybody in the entire world has off days. i’m not going to say my shit is great, but i have made things i am proud of. proud that i took the time to make something and it paid off, and i realized a creation that would not exist without my existence and efforts.
other times, my stuff has been shitty. you are not obligated to download what you don’t like, and i’m sorry that me taking up 500 megabytes of the entire internet to host my shit on impacted your life so much back in 2016 or whenever the fuck.
after some angry secrets, it’s good to end on this one. it makes me laugh every time i see it. 9/10.
i’m going to address three points in this picture, but i’m not and have never been mad at this one. whoever made this secret, inbox me. you’re my favorite motherfucker.
when i made the phantom rage skin i had a picture of a man who had very speckled vitiligo saved as inspiration. i lost that picture when i cleared out old files, but this model, genesis castillo, is very similar to the vitiligo pattern that man had. there are a hundred winnie harlow skins. there were none like this where the vitiligo was not evened out with makeup. i then paired tones 1 and 10 and 2 and 8 for contrast, but the 1 and 10 one looks much odder in the low opacity parts, like camouflage, someone said once.
as someone who has a skin condition, i know how emotionally traumatic they are when they change your appearance drastically. i cannot empathize with any traumas of vitiligo that are directly tied to people of color being affected by it because i am not a person of color.
if i offended anyone who has vitiligo, i am genuinely sorry. my intention was not to make a ‘costume’, it was to make a virtual representation of a type of human being that actually exists. i hope that learning from this experience and using that knowledge to the best of my ability in the future is enough to undo even an iota of damage that was done.
point two, what is wrong with the middle sim? what is wrong with the middle sim? what is wrong with them? they have a mole? they’re wearing two head accessories? what is wrong with them???
point three, the bebebrillit hairline conversions weren’t terrible. fitting shit to the different hairline shape is difficult, so it can lead to some weird edges. at the time i took the previews for the hairlines, i didn’t have a ton of hairs in my folder. i just started doing nouk hairs. i needed to take a picture of the high fashion ponytail, so i killed two birds with one stone. this is not a combo that i played with, thinking they fit together like jigsaw pieces. it was a preview and it even showed that the hairlines did not work with every hair.
also,
there was a mythical 8th secret (yes, there were actually fucking 8 of them, i’ve averaged 2 hate secrets a year which i consider a life achievement). it was a picture of my first ts4 skinblend with the word “hideous” or “this is hideous” or some shit on it. it had the word hideous in it. that secret was deleted before i could save it, but i still remember it. and i can’t even be mad, i mean, they’re right. 10/10. best secret. it wasn’t a secret at all.
i actually can’t remember why it turned out so shiny, i think it’s because there were like no skins close to what i wanted and i tried handpainting before i knew how to.
in conclusion, please, in the future... stay salty, stay mean, continue hiding behind anonymity, but either grow a sense of humor or commit to what you’re doing instead of hurling balls of infernal bitching gently at my face.
#negativity //#questionable ideas#i felt like using an inspirational quote on the header#do you like it
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Hikaru Birthday Event 2018 – Live Report
So…since my last report was stupidly deleted by yours truly and I only provided a mini-report, I thought I would write a proper one for you now. This time around I am using google docs so I hope nothing will be deleted. Without further ado, let’s get to it!
The day of the event was my second day in Japan. I was still quite exhausted from my travels but oh well, it wasn’t too bad. I got up pretty early and met up with my friend Sai to line up for the merchandise. We were at the venue (Suntory Hall Tokyo) at around 10 am to make sure we got everything we wanted. Thankfully the wait wasn’t too bad since we were protected from the sun underneath the building. It was still humid as hell but pretty bearable. Some Japanese Kala-fans from twitter said “hi” to me and as always I was super awkward. Sorry!! Anyways, after the wait was over, we finally got to buy our goods. I bought pretty much everything except the towel because meh, I am not a fan of towels. So yeah, I got the white shirt with the pink triangle, the cap, the ticket file and the booklet\clearfile set. Here’s a sneak peek at the booklet in case you haven’t seen it yet 〈(•ˇ‿ˇ•)-→ CLICK ME
By the way, the goods are available on the Space Craft Online Store since yesterday so be sure to get them quickly!! https://spacecraft-shop.jp/kalafina
Afterwards we headed to “La Maison Kioi” (the Kalafina SPICE interview location) to enjoy some cake. Then we headed to Shibuya to check out the Starbucks seat Keiko sat at in the 10th Anniversary Film. Just a while back, Hikaru had tried out a Calpis drink so e decided to have it too. The place (Afternoon Tearoom) was close by so that was very convenient. The lassi was certainly interesting, it had quite the unique taste, not sure I would order it again though XD.
Slowly heading back to the venue, we came across a bunch of fellow Kala-fans who had just gotten out of the afternoon event. We only heard good stuff so of course we were more than excited. At the venue we met up with lots of other Kala-fans and made some new friends. Then after another hour or so we were finally allowed inside. I delivered my letter and the ones by @theraspberrybushes and @mello-chi and then I went to my seat.
The event started on time…with a more or less unspectacular power point presentation regarding all the questions Hikaru had been asked in the questionnaire. I am pretty sure they used all the questions because there were at least 40 or something. No way in hell I could memorise all of that, especially since the questions/answers went by way too fast. Some random stuff I remember.
• Hikaru’s favourite numbers are 2 and 7
• She owns around 1000 mangas
• She can read a volume in about 30 minutes
• If she hadn’t become a singer she would have wanted to become a mother in her 20ies
• The type of character she likes in games: Men-tough; Women-peculiar and beautiful
• The type of men she likes: Kind and calm
• Favourite colours: Monochrome, blue and red
• Favourite game: Momotaro Dentetsu
• He favourite castle is Himeji
• Her favourite characters in FGO are Gilgamesh and Shiki
Sorry, I can’t think of anything else. She also replied to my questions about recommendations in Toyama but she wrote like ten places or something and there was just no way for me to read it that quickly (especially since I suck when it comes to location kanji) But really, the questions weren’t exactly the highlight of the event but the most amazing part about this section were the childhood pictures of Hikaru which were randomly thrown in between questions. Like seriously the cutest pictures ever of baby Hikaru (and her little sister). Chibi-Hikaru was so freaking adorable, I could barely contain myself. We saw her wrapped up in cute winter clothes with her cheeks all red from the cold. With pig-tails! (♥ω♥*) We saw her in her pjs at home watching TV.
Then she finally came on stage wearing the gorgeous outfit you saw in the blog post. The top is by IENA in case anyone is interested. Of course I ended up buying it because how could I resist????
http://zozo.jp/?c=gr&did=55355842
She sat down and personally replied to three more questions that were asked frequently. The first one was about her in-ear-monitors. Someone was curious what they always hear when they wear them. Hikaru explained how they work and how they tune out unnecessary noises etc. Next question was about which merchandise she designed was the most memorable for her. She didn’t actually reply to that question iirc but she used that opportunity to introduce this event’s goods. A staff member rolled up a cart with all the merchandise and she introduced them all similar to what she wrote in the Harmony countdown. Sakurada Hirotaka helped her come up with the goods so he deserves credit as well. She also explained that the colours of the shirts represented Kalafina’s origin colours. The final question was about mobile games and how much time she usually spends playing them. If she is into a game and there is an event going on, she will pretty much play all day long. As soon as she gets up, on the train, during breaks, in bed…until she falls asleep XD
Next up was the manga corner. I spaced out a little here. She always read a page out of one of her beloved mangas and then she talked about why this section felt so special to her.
・xxxHOLiC
・My Hero Accademia
・Tenshi Nanka Ja Nai
Please don’t ask me what she talked about. I have literally no idea. I have never heard of these mangas so it didn’t make much sense what she was talking about. But still, it was very nice to see her talk about her passion.
We played Janken afterwards and two lucky winners (one of them my friend Sai) got a present from Hikaru and got to go up on stage. While I can’t say I care much for the mangas they received as present, I would have killed to get a chance to go up on that stage. Oh well, turns out I suck at Janken. XD Somehow I completely forgot how to play it T_T
The Live
宝石-Houseki: WOW! Just wow! I didn’t know that this was the song Hikaru auditioned with. But hey, that explains why she was eventually chosen because man, she slayed! She sounded amazing! I think the song was slowed down a bit, yeah, it definitely was. Her performance was so powerful and tragic, she almost sounded like she was using elements from Keiko’s and Wakana’s voices. She had the same oomph as Keiko and yet there was a hint of tragedy (the same tragedy you usually get from Wakana). Flawless, absolutely flawless. Honestly, I am not even sure which version I like better, Hikaru’s or Keiko’s.
プラチナ-Platina: This is apparently one of her most frequently sung songs at karaoke. She absolutely loves it. It was an okay performance, I can’t say I like that song very much (it’s too cutesy for my taste) and I don’t think the song is particularly suited for Hikaru’s voice but Hikaru was super adorable and all smiles and she obviously had a blast with it so I was happy for her.
北ウイング-Kita Wing: Wow!! Just. Wow!! Hands down one of my favourite performances of that night. I had never heard that song before but Hikaru’s rendition was absolutely gorgeous. I just got to listen to the original version and OMG, they changed it SO MUCH. They slowed it down a lot and made it sound so much more tragic and sad. It left a lasting impression and I think I will have to buy it now. So beautiful.
CAT'S EYE: Sakurada wrote a special jazz arrangement for this song. I wish there was footage of this performance. Hikaru was so freaking sexy here. The way she moved to the lyrics, especially during that “sexy” line! Oh boy! Nosebleed!!! And it was a song I actually knew so YAY about that. If I remember correctly, I think it was actually one of the songs I voted for so double YAY.
ARIA: Finally, the song I had been waiting for. I obviously voted for this because it’s one of my all-time favourite Hikaru songs and I loved the 10th Anniversary version so freaking much (everyone else also voted for it so I kinda knew this would make it onto the setlist). This version was in a slightly higher pitch I think but not as high as the original version. She sang it with so much emotion, at this point I first started crying. Once again Hikaru mentioned that this song means the world to her and it has taught her so much. It’s always special if she gets to sing it and every version is different/unique. I was a bit sad because all the Wakana/Keiko/Kajiurago parts were left out. I had hoped she would sing that WaKei section after the bridge. It’s literally one of my favourite parts of the song because of the lyrics. But oh well, it was still a mind-blowing performance and Hikaru knocked it out of the park. She struggled a bit during the 10th Anniversary performance (especially during the final verse - although studio magic made sure it sounded well-rounded on the DVD/BD) but here she hit every note.
Blackbird: Hikaru mentioned that we would all recognise this song once we heard the chorus but meh, it seems I am the only one who has never heard of this song. Guess it’s because I have never really listened to the Beatles. Sorry to everyone who thinks that’s blasphemy or something. Either way, Hikaru made me really like this song although it will not become my favourite. Nothing about it was very memorable so I have a hard time remembering any details. I just know that Hikaru sounded really chill and cool. She obviously enjoys to sing this type of song.
Honesty: It’s honestly embarrassing how few songs I knew during this live. This was another one I had never heard before but boy, Hikaru made me fall in love with it immediately. I don’t know what it was about her performance but it was just so touching and emotional, it seemed like she meant every word she was singing. Everytime she sang “honesty” my heart broke a tiny little bit. The feels! Oh, the feels!!
Just the Way You Are: Can’t say I ever cared much for this song but once again Hikaru brought something special to it that made me appreciate how lovely this piece actually is. It really felt like she was singing from the heart. On that note, I would like to mention that her English pronunciation was really good during all the English songs. You most definitely understood what she was singing and she tried her best to emphasise each and every word. Very impressive. That’s certainly not a given with Japanese artists. Although I guess we all know that Hikaru’s English is very good. After this song, Hikaru told the Japanese audience that even though they probably didn’t understand the English lyrics, she hoped she was able to convey the meaning through her singing (she was!!). She invited everyone to check out all the lyrics because they are all super beautiful.
魂のルフラン- Tamashi No Rufuran: I was one of the people who voted for Zankokuna Tenshi no These so when she started to talk about Evangelion I freaked out a little. Unfortunately she ended up singing this song instead. I haven’t really watched the series so I only ever knew the OP and nothing else. Can’t say this song left a lasting impression. I don’t remember much from it. T_T Sorry, Hikaru. And sorry to everyone who had expected a more throrough report. I think she struggled a bit during the high parts here but it wasn’t too bad.
History Maker: I am embarrassed to say that I once again didn’t recognise the song. It sounded familiar but I couldn’t for the life of me remember where it was from. I was confused because I thought it was a Western song but Hikaru had mentioned she would sing anime songs now. I was like, “ehh???” Only afterwards when Hikaru mentioned it was from Yuri on Ice I suddenly remembered. [I am definitely the most clueless person when it comes to anime] This was most certainly the most upbeat and fun song of the night. Everyone was hyped and Hikaru was running around the stage, trying to connect with as many people in the audience as possible. And it worked. So much power, so much strength. Simply amazing. She really managed to capture the spirit of the song. Can’t say I watched the anime but I know it’s about sports and figthing spirit and boy, after this performance I was SO READY to climb Mount Fuji XD (which is good since I actually did climb Mt. Fuji the day after).
Once she was finished Hikaru told us that actually no one had voted for her to sing this song but since it’s one of her faves she thought it would be okay to include it, this was “Hikaru’s vote” so to speak.
sprinter: Hands down my favourite performance of the night. The lights were dimmed and all you could hear was Hikaru’s voice which was already brimming over with emotion. The arrangement was super slow, she sang pretty much all the lines (including Wakana’s and Keiko’s). She didn’t sing the Kajiurago parts though. When she got to the “kimi ni aitai…” part, the hall became completely dark and there was just a tiny light illuminating Hikaru. Her voice was raw and fragile and very quiet. She wasn’t even singing them properly, it was more like she was saying them to us. It’s hard to explain but it was utterly heartbreaking. Tears everywhere. She only sang that part once and I think that’s for the best because this way it was incredibly powerful. And even though you could barely see her face you could definitely hear her voice break. She ended the song with Wakana’s line, “I'm calling your name”. By the end of the performance everyone was in tears and you could see Hikaru wiping away a tear too.
That was the end of the live, Hikaru took a bow and thanked everyone. When she told the audience to give a big round of applause to Sakurada he started playing the first tunes of “Happy Birthday”. It was a bit awkward at first because Japanese audiences never know what to do in situations like that. But they caught on surprisingly fast and so everyone was singing for Hikaru. That’s when Hikaru pretty much broke down into tears and watching this made me cry even more. She desperately tried to compose herself afterwards but nope, she couldn’t. Whenever she started to speak, a new wave of emotions seemed to hit her. She had to use a towel to wipe her tears away. She said that she didn’t expect Sakurada to play the birthday song for her (although I think that’s not true because he apparently played it during the afternoon event too but I forgive her for that little lie XD). Oh well, whether she was surprised or not she seemed to be moved either way and that is the only thing that counts. She thanked us for coming, thanked us for making this night incredibly special for her and finally assured us that she would forever remember this evening and treasure it within her heart…during the whole time tears were streaming down her face. She hopes that the next time we all meet there will be less tears and more laughter. She apologised for crying so much (oh please, Hi-chan, never apologise for that!!!!) Then she left the stage and the audience was asked to remain seated until told otherwise. The individual rows were asked to wait in line and leave the hall one by one.
That’s when we all got our personal greeting and postcard from Hikaru. She was standing outside wearing the white shirt from the merchandise and she handed each and every person a handwritten note and thanked them once again for coming. The staff people were rushing everyone out but fans were able to talk to Hikaru for a milli-second. When it was my turn I was shaking and I started crying again. Hikaru smiled at me and gave me one of her English cards (like seriously, she even prepared English cards for her foreign fans! So thoughtful of her!). I told her that I was incredibly moved by her performance (as if my crying wasn’t indication enough) and it looked like Hikaru was about to start crying too but then I was ushered outside so I can’t know for sure. I was shaking so much and then and it took a few minuted to compose myself.
All in all it was a super special event and I am so glad I got the chance to attend it. Hikaru is a born solo performer and she owned the stage throughout the entire event. She made me fall in love with her even more. You could really tell how much she cared about her fans. Right now I am very grateful that she is there for us and wants to be close to us. This event and all her blog posts make me so very happy, you have no idea. My only regret is that Hikaru didn’t mention Wakana and Keiko during the evening event. Why did she only talk about them during the afternoon event? So unfair! But oh well, it’s not like I missed much. She basically just told the audience that they are keeping in touch and that she had received birthday geetings from both of them (duh! Of course she did! Did anyone doubt it?) and that Wakana regularly sends pictures of her plant babies. They are all doing their own thing now so I understand and respect their choice (yes, I think it’s their choice and they are not forced by Space Craft) to lay low and not mention the others too much. However, it’s still nice when they do.
Okay, that’s a wrap. Hope you enjoyed this and if you have any questions, don’t hesitate to ask
#kalafina#report#hikaru#hikaru birthday event#long text post#sorry#I don’t know how to add a read more thingy on my phone
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50 questions tag~
tagged by @neochamomiletea
1. what takes up too much of your time? Scrolling through Tumblr, playing Pocket Camp, and watching YouTube videos.
2. what makes your day better? Sushi and talking to my best friends.
3. what’s the best thing that happened to you today? The Pizza Hut by my house finally got our order right.
4. what fictional place would you like to go? Right now? My camp in Animal Crossing Pocket Camp.
5. are you good at giving advice? I guess so because everyone always comes to me lmaoo.
6. do you have any mental illness? Not professionally diagnosed but I do have family history for a few.
7. have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? I don’t think so.
8. what musician inspired you the most? This answer changes based on who I’m obsessed with at the moment typically. I’d say the most consistent would be Rihanna. Once I became Navy my loyalty has never swayed. I love her idgaf I’m here to have fun and get paid attitude. She’s also so ride or die for her friends and family and like same. However, I’d be lying if I didn’t mention I literally call my closet the ‘SHINee closet’ due to my posters of Jonghyun and Taemin hanging up in their. Eventually I plan to put more SHINee centric posters up as long as I have space. They’ve inspired me to continue to push through hard times when I’d much rather give up.
9. have you ever fallen in love? Romantically? Not yet *Baekho voice* WHERE U AT??!!
10. what’s your dream date? I want to go somewhere with good food where we either get to either walk around and talk or be able to sit in the same place until the place is ready to close.
11. what do others notice about you? My skin and hair. I’ve had so many random women either complement my skin (usually wearing makeup but I guess that means I do know how to apply foundation) or my hair (colored or when I was natural).
12. what is the annoying habit you have? I don’t ask for help.
13. do you still talk to you first love? Nope.
14. how many ex’s do you have? None.
15. how many songs are on your playlist? My Cheer Up playlist has 122 song but that’s in progress.
16. what instruments can you play? None because I got impatient and gave up.
17. who do you have the most pictures of? As of today I have 272 pictures and gifs and counting of Johnny on my phone and I’m not ashamed of it (cause that’s my mans). But uhhh I also have 100 pictures and videos of my cat Penelope saved on my phone too. It’s up to you to decide which is sadder lmao.
18. where would you like to go before you die? Too many to list. Definitely Tokyo, Seoul, and Shanghai.
19. what is your zodiac? Gemini sun, Aquarius moon.
20. do you relate to it? Too well.
21. what is happiness to you? Being able to be yourself unapologetically around people you love.
22. are you going through anything right now? I should have a royal title by now for all the years I’ve been going through it.
23. what’s the worst decision you’ve ever made? Anytime I decided against listening to my gut knowing she’s right 99.999% of the time.
24. what’s your favourite store? At first I was thinking either Nordstrom Rack or TJ MAXX but TJ MAXX has a good mix of skincare, makeup, bras, furniture, and food stuff like teas and cookies from brands you’ve never heard of along with interesting designer pieces. I like the hunt.
25. what’s your opinion on abortion? I’m 100000000000% on board. As many as that person wants/needs to have.
26. do you keep a bucket list? I have a mental list of shit I would like to get done if I was more disciplined.
27. do you have a favourite album at the moment? Not really. I have some favorite songs I listen to off of some of my favorite albums released this year. I listen to playlist more than full length albums. Or all 1000+ songs on shuffle.
28. what do you want for your birthday? I like money gifts from family. My friends always get me perfect gifts. I think they get what my interest are better than my family members do.
29. what are most peoples first impression of you? I don’t know I never ask.
30. what age do you seem according to most people? I always get aged down 4-5 years. Most recently a neighbor asked me what my plans were after I graduate high school this year. I’m 24.
31. where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping? Next to the wall where my charger is.
32. what word do you say the most? What, wow, and whack are my top three reactions to most things.
33. what’s the oldest age you would date? Ideally I wouldn’t want to go older than 4 years. Like at least at some point we’d been in high school at the same time so we’d have some life experiences we’d have in common. But like if we click we click.
34. what’s the youngest age you would date? Idk like 3 or 4 years? My response is about the same as the last one. I couldn’t image dating someone that much younger but life be like that sometimes. As long as they’re of age.
35. what job/career do most people say would suit you? A writer or designer.
36. what’s your favourite music genre? Deep house has become a recent fave of mine over the last like 4 years. I like having music I could vibe to or dance to at any moment. I’m here to have a good time.
37. if you could live in any country in the world, where would it be? I want to retire to the Tuscany region of Italy. Pretty much all of the countries I would want to live in are just as expensive as the US.
38. what is your current favourite song? Puzzle Moon by GWSN
39. how long have you had this blog for? May of 2012 although I think I deleted some of my earlier posts. I’ve switched names and themes a lot.
40. what are you excited for? WayV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And other new music in 2019.
41. are you a better talker or listener? Listener. I have good ideas but sometime I struggle articulating them and once I get it, it’s too late.
42. what is the last productive thing you did? i got some sewing done.
43. what do you want for christmas? I had a long list like every year. My mom did get me this Fashionary book I wanted. No Airpods yet.
44. what class do you get the best grades in? English, History, and Art
45. on a scale from 1-10, how are you feeling right now? 10, I just had pizza
46. what can you see yourself doing in 10 years? Still being on my bullshit
47. when did you get your first heartbreak? When Fall Out Boy went on hiatus in like 2008/2009
48. at what age do you want to get married? Uhh idk. I’m indifferent
49. what career did you want to have as a child? i wanted to be in a girl group, an actress, and a fashion designer....so Beyonce, I wanted to be Beyonce
50. what do you crave right now? ...more pizza. I’m hungry again.
I’m gonna tag: @agust-ds, @thejoong, @itslovingjungkookoclock, @yerim-5hinee, and @aqsun (idk if you’ve done this one but I know you’ve done some other tags so I didn’t tag you in those and you don’t have to do this either but I do like you so I want to include you in things like this too but I’m shy so sorry for the long explanation lmao)
#so yeah i'm just clearing shit out#so yall can ignore this#just nye things#i do enjoy oversharing so youd think i'd finish these faster#i mostly run this blog on mobile#i always say im going to talk more on main and i never do it#i usually do that on the sideblog now
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ONE IMPORTANT NOTE SINCE I AM CURRENTLY LOOKING FOR RP PARTNERS.
This is for former, old, new or potential rp partners. So basically for anyone.
I have to put this under read more - it is a ramble, it does include some negativity but I do write this out in the hope that people UNDERSTAND. And I hope this will make it easier for anyone in the future to not misunderstand.
I will edit my rules page, about and navigation later - it is plain necessary.
But okay, listen up. I want to say this since I'm now swinging back into active roleplaying - and I am kind of disappointed how people around me have acted in the past 2-3 months. I made this blog in an incredibly busy phase of my life - I did it anyway, because I love this OC, because I love FF14, because I love roleplaying and writing. But I was busy and distracted.
I do know that my activity on just any of my rp blogs was always highly dependend on how much time I’ve spent with gaming in my free time; I know that this was a major put off for some people. But, in fact, if people approached me, talked to me DAILY, poked me, reminded me, were nice to me I was still a super active rp partner. Most people did not to do that - like in five years I can count those people who showed such behavior with one hand. Not that I blame anyone now; I’m just saying that while it’s true that I was extremely busy ANYONE could have easily reached out to me; if you have my Discord I will ALWAYS answer you. Even if I currently cannot reply to our thread, I will write in ooc with you.
My point is the following - in the past 3months many people interpreted my ‘ignorance’ to not answer their starter, to not answer their ask,to not reply to our thread as sheer disinterest. This was, however, never the case. I am just extremely scatterbrained; and to be really, really honest in the past three months I had major writer’s blocks, anxiety and all other forms of many, many bad things which prevented me to write. And no one ever encouraged me to like... write. No one ever asked me nicely; gave me some ideas and inspiration to like... swing back into roleplaying. I am not sure if you ever had the feeling - but if you feel that people legit give no shit whether you actually try to interact with them why should you? I often felt that way. And no one pulled me out of it. I currently do not want to say that it was my rp partners “job” to pull me out of this mess - no. But if they tell me “hey, it’s okay, I’m patient - please take your time in replying :)” and they just decide to drop me like a hot potato somewhere along the way, blocking/unfollowing me/deleting threads etc. WITHOUT EVEN SPEAKING TO ME BEFOREHAND then this is plain rude. And this happened A LOT the past months.
Basically, the past two months+ were like this for me:
I worked a lot. Really a lot. I work 9 hours per day, on several times I’ve worked even 11 - and this does not even include the time I need to get to work and back. I know there are people out there who work as much as I do - and I am sure they will also completely understand my feeling that I am, simply put, often too tired to do anything once I am at home. I have my own household to take care of, a rl boyfriend - I have a lot of rl going on and this does drain me and snatchs my attention. I was not at home for good 11-14 hours per day since I had lots of appointments as well.
And on top of these 11-14 hours of work PER DAY I was already raiding three times a week - for three hours each, so 9 hours per week. Because like 3 and a half months ago I switched statics. The reason why I give you so many numbers to work with is due to my experience that unfortunately many, many, many people do not understand roleplayers who have a similar busy rl than I have. For whatever reason they might have. I am trying to make you understand that I basically had no time whatsoever in my free time, maybe 1-2 hours per day, and I often used them for anything else but NOT writing. I mean, English is not my first language and it often gives me more stress than anything so... And as I said, I had a huge writer’s block and incredible anxiety the past months.
On top of that I also went on holidays in early June and did not have any time to roleplay. I came back around 10 June and this was when my UwU-progress started. We raided four times per week - so basically 12 hours per week additionally to my 11-14 hours per day of working - not even including the time needed before and after raid to discuss mechanics etc. All I did was - working, rl, raiding, sleeping, working, raiding, rl, sleep. This was me for the past 1 1/2 months. Raiding stressed me out. UwU is not savage - I’ve been clearing the past savages all with minimal gear during the first week of its release; Ultimate is something completely different. It is something non-raider have trouble to understand how stressful raiding can be. Let me just tell you it was extremely stressful to me.
In that time I’ve mentioned a lot, several times in fact, that I will go back to roleplaying as soon as my ultimate progress is over. Suffice to say I realized that roleplaying with raiding so much did not work out. And many, many, many, many people backed out during that time. In just 1 1/2 months of my progress (we cleared last monday, we’ll do our third kill tomorrow) I pretty much lost most of my rp partners for whatever reason. I did not ask. Might as well just have scared them with my ultimate progress posts, I don’t know - but trust me I did not make them to brag. I was putting them under read more usually, I was just happy about progress or frustrated about other things. Anyway, after my clear I kind of returned to a Khashin who was back to point zero. Like he was a new OC but actually was not, which was not quite making things much easier.
TLDR;
So now I am looking for new people.
And I just want you to know - no I am TELLING YOU - to speak to me if something happens. If you’re frustrated about something. Or anything. I am always approachable, you can reach me in Discord basically any time. Show me that you’re interested because I am 1000% are even if my wrecked brain sometimes is more than herpderp.
Overall - SPEAK TO ME IF YOU GOT A PROBLEM. I’m an adult - I’m already 26 years old you can talk to me. Especially if you have the feeling I do not care or whatever because I do! Please keep in mind I DO HAVE ANXIETY ISSUES. My brain often thinks that people dislike me, hate me etc even if it’s not true. It often makes me think I annoy people. So I often also shy away from people. Communication is so important however, I cannot stress this enough. For god’s sake please TELL ME if you think I’m ignoring you or if you have the feeling I do not give seven shits about you. Because it is NOT true. In the past 2 months I have SCARCELY spoken to people. No time, too stressed, too tired. This was not meant personal.
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It is I, plot twisty. I was wondering if you could link me to some stuff you have written about Castiel's trench coat (bc I'm 99% sure you have) I'm just so excited because I love the new one so much. Also, I happen to be the person asking about the Winchesters and plaid shirts in season 12. I loved the way you analyzed the clothes of the characters and your attention to detail, because that stuff mostly remains unseen by my humble eyes. (Also I think you have a tag for the clothes stuff?!?)
Aaah hi! Were you why I wrote a 1000 mile long post with a screen cap of every shirt Mary wore in season 12? You are most welcome back in my inbox, that was a ton of fun :D
I think my trenchcoat tag (the serious one not the “sam shoe saga” where all the fashion nonsense goes) has largely got other people’s meta in it because so much awesome stuff has been written before I ever got there so I mostly just summarise what everyone else has said when asked :P It’s like the Car Is Dean’s Soul thing: I’m 100% behind it but other people are way more into it so… :P I mean I will write the trenchcoat stuff and sob about it but @floatingaboveclouds really picked it up a while back (and sadly she’s been not around much lately) and at the moment @gneisscastiel is sobbing about it all the time.
Aah my “trenchcoat meta” tag isn’t even on my tag list… See, there’s always something :P
http://floatingaboveclouds.tumblr.com/post/100097338173/cas-trench-coat-meta
This is what I always think of as the Definitive Trenchcoat Meta just because I read it first, ages ago, and it really got me into it :P
https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/133234217428/excuse-me-while-i-need-a-moment
Some thoughts about VERY early Cas and coat stuff.
https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/96865417548/interruptingpanda-savingsammyhuntingdestiel
Me being sad about it in 7x17
https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/147044421392/dustydreamsanddirtyscars-8x07-a-little-slice
A season 8/9x01 look at it (I mean… written at LEAST after season 10 if I remember but from the POV of 8x07 about the early Carver era trenchcoat stuff we usually skip before going right to the new trenchcoat and all the nonsense they use it for :P)
https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/105554354818/today-is-one-of-those-days-i-find-myself-having-a
Oh and more on the original coat and Cas’s identity (circa 9x23 at least)
https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/117930210038/jimmys-clothing-meta-10x20-edition
Some overview on Cas up to 9x09 and Jimmy in general
https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/149775846930/castiel-knight-of-hell-i-know-we-all-miss
This is a like 1 line meta on the new coat in 9x10
https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/161446778708/littlehollyleaf-neven-ebrez-cas-jacket-is
Here’s a season 9 original - I think the first post really yelling about the discovery of the plaid under the collar!
https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/164795829481/mittensmorgul-littlehollyleaf-drsilverfish
This is a great one from 9x18 when it aired that I stumbled on recently but remember reading at the time so it was one of my Formative Meta Experiences (I just didn’t reblog a whole lot until the season 9-10 hiatus really started so all this great stuff is kind of lost to time to me unless I’m blog snooping and stumble on it >.> Thankfully I blog snoop a lot.)
I’m so frustrated because I can’t find my reblog (if I ever did) of the deleted scene gifs of Cas sewing the trenchcoat with commentary about him doing Human Things™… >.> My blog from before like… late season 10/the hiatus after… is really badly tagged so the good stuff is all a mystery :P
https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/130068247568/littlehollyleaf-4persephone-i-actually-find
(I found another!)
https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/97817693623/a-deep-shade-of-blue-is-always-there
Here’s a season 9-10 hiatus post from me where I talk about how the combination of coat and song got me to ship Destiel textually because it was all so intrinsically linked and the whole deeper symbolism of what the coat means to Cas and how the lyrics in that song used it.
https://justanotheridijiton.tumblr.com/post/98218136134
And the no need for words version… >.>
https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/163908715733/gneisscastiel-replied-to-your-post
This one I wrote myself recently about Metatron in 9x22 trying on the coat and what I thought it meant in this context (as you can see I am still basically in a season 9 mindset about it :P)
https://justanotheridijiton.tumblr.com/post/142607939029/the-plaid-trenchie
Mel has all the gratuitous plaid shots…
https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/101030511793/deathbyspookyopen-hallowedbecastiel-10x02
https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/100110462763/can-we-talk-about-how-as-soon-as-cas-went-through
This from 10x02 but the first doesn’t take into account that in the shot of Hannah putting the coat over Cas WE can see the plaid, I guess just from her perspective she misses it or doesn’t understand the symbolism (especially not that everyone leaped on the meta idea of “being draped in the flag of heaven” and what her actions were doing :P) - Floatingaboveclouds’s original Trenchcoat Meta is circa this episode and explains it best and it’s sort of the words in the back of my head about that scene all the time now.
https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/147389591616/cas-crowley-trench-coats-and-parallels
Something from 10x14 which makes perfect sense because the new trenchcoat was from 9x10 but I just skim read the post and I’m not 100% sure they really got into it like I would have…
https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/116643283603/cas-trench-coat-meta-10x18-edition
For 10x18 and Cas taking off his coat there :D
https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/131414819958/cas-trench-coat-meta-11x02-edition
https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/131982763978/cas-clothing-meta-11x03-edition-part-1
https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/131983260278/cas-clothing-meta-11x03-edition-part-2
Some early season 11 meta!
https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/138413634723/heey-i-rewatched-11x06-and-i-think-cas-is
Some thoughts about Cas in the start of season 11 and parallels to Casifer and how he was wearing Cas’s clothes…
https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/139716966318/why-is-casifer-shown-wearing-the-coat-in-the-next
11x15 and some more thoughts on Casifer
https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/158190035758/do-you-think-cas-would-change-into-another-outfit
This is from earlier this hiatus giving an overview but I think I should add now with hindsight, talking about a full wardrobe upheaval, because there’s obviously different meaning in Cas going right back to something nearly identical to his original get up, and I’d rather muse on what that means when I know HOW he ends up with his new costume for season 13, so that’s a meta I’ll only write after 13x06. No leather jacket yet. >.>
Here’s some interesting takes on it with a different perspective:
https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/163901981347/a-study-in-trench-coat
https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/163903036052/heya-hope-youre-having-a-good-day-onwards-with
https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/163786906919/gneisscastiel-as-season-13-approaches-i-have
All of this is informing my thoughts right now on it and I know there’s a bunch of meta I missed… I mean just scrolling these posts I’m sure there’s gaps in trenchcoat-related events that I or others have talked about and uuugh even when I try and collect all the meta I’ve tagged badly in the past or was too shy when I was new to fandom and missed a whole bunch of the most important posts at the end of season 9 which drastically shaped how I read the show… I’m always happy to talk MORE about it :P
I guess adding this all up the one thing I can say about the new trenchcoat for season 13 is that is it a trenchcoat and that means it carries all this baggage, just as the 2nd one carried the baggage of the first, but it’s in a different form. If Cas picked it for himself, it will be like 9x10 and 8x07, where he chooses to go back to the original look. If it’s picked for him it will be a different story - more like 7x17 or 9x18 or 11x06 - times when he put the coat on hesitantly or was given a strong push to go for a choice that wasn’t particularly a choice, or because someone else was shaping his image for him.
10x01-3 especially were LADEN with Cas identity stuff and included a lot of messing around with the trenchcoat, and it was also the first part of the show I enjoyed in fandom meta-ing with everyone else, so I have ideas about it very planted in my head :P I think I will always associate it with his angelic identity as the “flag of heaven” because of the 9x18/9x22/9x23 synergy about Cas, Metatron, and all the stuff going on between them. I think that whole chunk of the show with 9x14 as an outlier on one end and 10x18 on the other but mostly the end of season 9 and start of season 10 separated Cas out to tell a very specific story about who he was and what he wanted, and the trenchcoat played a huge part in that symbolism. And that starts with him picking a new one in 9x10 when re-asserting his angel identity (after joining in as a hunter in 9x09 in the same get up including the season 10-12 tie in an early appearance) and that act in itself was a sort of “be useful to the Winchesters or die human” scenario, and so I think like Dean on the phone in 9x09, I am very suspicious about Cas’s choice actually saying anything about what he WANTS when it comes to his identity, and the main block of episodes about this unpack it a lot more…
If Cas comes back in a new trenchcoat which is like the original flavour one, it might be like what it was used for in 8x07 - a “everything is okay” red flag that Cas put himself back together for appearances’ sake but of course he was being controlled by Naomi and it was the first scene Dean voices his immediate suspicions Cas did not come back naturally and there was something fishy about it - which of course he carries on worrying about until the Crypt Scene when it all becomes clear, and then Cas only stays in that outfit a handful more episodes until he becomes human and has to pick drinking water over maintaining the image and wearing his original battle armour.
There’s also the fact the trenchcoat IS the original battle armour to him and like in 9x18 or 11x06 the new one at very least feels like armour and we can see him using it as that emotionally… It’s not a bad thing for him to have a new old trenchcoat style to mimic how he used to be if it’s for his own strength and comfort… I just think that overall he’s headed in a different way than staying in the trenchcoat forever and a 3rd variation is going to be fascinating. I hope there’ll be a lot to comment on, like with the 2nd one when it was new there was like 2 seasons of heavy exploration of it as a meta subject before they sort of chilled out again and it became a more incidental feature. Or the times Cas had the original restored to him or like how it looked in Purgatory (see! even more incidents I couldn’t quickly find a post on :P)
And of course there’s the mystery about what Cas might wear while he’s dead, why he’s in a $2600 suit in the first scene of 13x06, and so on and so on. Season 13 has SO many more ways to fuck with us before we get to the new coat :P
#Asks#meta masterposts#trenchcoat meta#my stuff#caaas#cas analysis#wowzer i did not mean to go on as long as this#I am very passionate okay :P
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Comfort
Rating: G
Summary: Prompt from @ghost-soda-blog ‘Your smile’s not as bright as it used to be’
AN: This one got huge and then my pc deleted it ;A; I managed to save about 4000 words and just got back round to writing the other 1000-1500. Fingers crossed it’s as good as the first version!
It was a quiet day in the Mystery Shack, a peaceful lull in amidst the usual daily visitors and the exuberant bursts of activity that only the Pines family seemed capable of.
Or at least it was quiet, the early morning sunlight filtering through the window, the air soft and hushed as the family inside slowly awoke from, for once, blissful dreams. It was a quiet, unusually normal, morning for the household, tranquil, warm and frankly calming in nature.
That is, until there was a sudden loud clatter from inside an open doorway, a cloud of dust escaping to billow out onto the landing along with a string of curses that quickly cut out into a coughing fit.
"God, this- hack- this place is a mess." Ford flinched back quickly as another plume of dust puffed out of the box he'd been elbow deep in. He hadn't meant to cause quite so much damage, the grit and grime of the room cementing onto his skin irritatingly, gaining another layer with what felt like every movement. It made him want to instantly leave and have a shower, maybe return with cleaning materials instead of making any headway into the job at hand. Procrastination reared it's head as well as he stared at the upended boxes that he'd managed to knock over, wondering about tidying them up, cleaning up after himself or continuing in his mission to find the precious childhood boxes that, even whilst angry with his brother, he hadn't had the heart to throw away.
He steeled himself as he visualised the boxes, cleaning and tidying could wait, a shower could wait, until he had found what he was searching for. He turned back to the open one he had managed to pull from the pile, the scrawled words across the side giving him hope as he trawled through it for the items he desperately wanted to find.
Anything to help with Stan's memories. Anything at all.
The fervour spurred him on, a small pile of items forming on the floor beside him, glittering memories to show him. Yet at the same time it had to contend with the nerves tugging at his heartstrings, the whispering, niggling voice in his chest that told him even now it was all for nothing. So terrified that the blank stare would come his way, the apologetic frown and guilty eyes that could so easily morph into self-loathing if Ford didn't school his disappointment quickly enough.
He wasn't sure he could take it. He needed Stan to remember him, but the thought of trying and getting nowhere... he didn't know if he had it in him not to break.
"I'm sorry. I don't remember."
It was hard to listen to his brother apologise so earnestly. It just wasn't like him.
None of this was like him, not the Stan that he remembered.
He sighed deeply, brushing the thoughts aside as he got to work, ignoring the steadily growing doubts. He couldn't just stop trying, that wasn't an option. Sure it hurt like hell, and his chest ached with every failure, but something had to give at some point. Something- anything at all, would at some point open the floodgates and let all the memories back in.
It had to.
So therefore, he couldn't just give up. Not when his brother was trying so hard, not when the kids had already shown it could be done.
He gave a high-pitch squawk, thoughts derailed as another item wedged behind a box became dislodged and fell at him, quick fumbling motions pushing it back upright and tilted to the wall. His hands hovered over it nervously, waiting for it to move again for a few more seconds, his eyes narrowed reproachfully at the inanimate object for stopping him in his efforts. He knew it was just a distraction, but he found himself latching on to it, anything better than his looming thoughts at that moment as he went back to the box, words slipping off his tongue to push back the silent darkness brewing and keep himself centred in the here and now. Right where his family was, right where Stan was. That's where he needed to be, right now. Right by their sides and ready to risk everything to stitch their little family back together again. "Honestly, Stan, is this really how you store things? This room's a death trap." He gave an exasperated but endearing huff as his eyes scanned the small storage room that clearly hadn't seen the light of day in years.
Nor had it seen a vacuum, or a duster, but Ford didn't really know if he was one to talk on that front.
"I guess I can't say anything. I let this place get the best of me when..." His eyebrows furrowed as he went back to looking in the box, his thoughts slipping back into the sapping gloom. His tangent of a distraction had ultimately led him to another set of memories that made his heart twist again, his stomach sinking as a myriad of emotions engulfed him. Sadness, guilt, regret, the sharp tang of shock and betrayal still so poignant even after all these years, after all the time in the world to accept that it had happened and heal.
They always said 'time healed all wounds' but Ford had yet to find the truth in the words. Blunted the pain, maybe. Dulled and scarred it back into a semblance of health but it was never truly gone, still there for all to see.
And so the thoughts slipped in even now, years later, filling him with a cold, cloying shame. Just how badly he had sunk into his frenzied paranoia. How much he had relied on Fiddleford before he ran from their project and left him to fend for himself and deal with the consequences of his actions... how busy he had then been focusing on thwarting Bill's plans that everything else had gone out the window. His health, his home, nothing else had mattered other than fixing the damage he had done by believing that Bill was his friend.
Never mind the house, I must have looked an absolute state by the time Stan met me.
It almost left him wondering how much tidying and cleaning Stan must have done before the Mystery Shack- Or was it the Murder hut back then?- could actually function as a profitable tourist trap.
He shook his head, dispelling the thoughts. "Still, Stan obviously tidied up, lord only knows what state the kitchen was in..." He snorted to himself, the thoughts of possibly sentient experimental foodstuffs giving Stan a shock as he opened the fridge amusing him to no end. "So is this just where all the clutter went? Packaged up and dumped in here." The thought entertained him enough to slow his movements, mind drifting to images much more reminiscent of his brother, of 'cleaning' being moving things to where they were a lot less noticeable instead of putting them where they actually should be kept.
Out of sight, out of mind.
The warm nostalgia dissipated as quickly as it had blossomed. The stark possibility that these items were hidden away because they were just too painful to look at bleeding through the cracks to join the more ironic and dismal present day circumstances that they now found themselves in.
Even more out of mind now.
"And that's why we've got to show it all to him again, that's all." Ford went back to his work with vehement energy, hands reaching desperately to grasp around a large heavy hardback book at the bottom of the box. "And we should be grateful it's all somehow still here, undamaged after everything that the Shack's been through during Weirdmaggedon." He paused, a mental note quickly filed away, one to come back to later, questioning what anomaly could have caused that particularly fortunate feat before continuing with the task at hand, tugging the book out from below it's peers. "So now that I know where all this stuff is, I can do something about fixing things. In sight, in mind, that's what we're working towards."
"I'm not sure that's how that saying's meant to go."
Ford yelped, a sudden presence behind him and softly spoken words making him jump out of his skin. The old box crumpled beneath his weight as he fell forwards, a soft groan escaping him as he found himself face down, book somehow still held aloft as if even subconsciously his brain had worked towards keeping it safe against all odds. He propped himself up, grimacing at the mouthful of dust he inhaled as he breathed in before turning to the now sheepish, and quietly trying not to giggle, girl staring back at him.
"Whoops, my bad." Mabel bit her lip, her mouth twitching into a full blown smile as she tried to look at least slightly apologetic. "If it helps- I think I like your version of the saying more?"
"That does help my bruised pride, yes." Ford smiled back at her, sitting up and shaking his head. He chuckled as her giggles intensified, bubbling past her still tight lips, a raining halo of dust escaping his hair as he moved.
"Your hair's even greyer now."
"I bet."
"Looks good though."
That really did get a snort, and a raised eyebrow at his niece.
"OK, maybe not, but I was trying to be nice." Mabel shuffled slowly into the room, slippers scuffing as she yawned and scrubbed at her eyes. "What ya doing, Grunkle Ford?"
Ford ignored the question, focusing on the sleepiness still permeating from the young girl. "I feel like I should be asking you that. There's no need for you to be up yet."
Mabel fixed him with a pointed look, smug and cheeky. "Yeah well... you're kind of loud?"
"Oh. Oh, of course, I'm sorry-" He hadn't even thought about how far the noise would travel around the house. What was he thinking looking through the storage room in the early hours? "I didn't mean to wake you, you should go back up to bed."
"Nah, I'm much more interested in what you're doing." Mabel leaned over him, looking into the now partially destroyed box. "Anything interesting hidden away in here?"
"Quite a few things actually." Ford nodded towards the small pile of items beside him, though his hands stayed trailing reverently over the book in his hands.
Mabel gave a passing glance to the pile before following his movements, the dots connecting as to which item was the more interesting. She sat cross-legged in front of him with arms outstretched, hands making curious grabbing motions. "Can I see?"
Ford grinned brightly, the smile mirroring on to her face quickly, happy to see him happy. "Yes! Of course." He looked up and down between her face and the book hesitantly, hands tapping against the cover. He wasn't worried that anything would happen to it, more just plucking up the courage to let go of it so soon after finally finding it once more. He struggled for a few wavering seconds before handing it over to her, brushing the nerves aside when he saw her patient expression. "Here."
He couldn't help but feel warmth spread as Mabel took the book slowly and surely, her face filled with concentration. She had obviously noticed his small distress at parting with it and wanted to be sure he knew he had nothing to worry about.
The book was in safe hands, that he was sure of.
She looked back up at him with a quizzical smile, hand laid flat on the front cover. It took a few seconds for him to realise she was waiting for an explanation before she looked inside. "Oh! Right, so this box here has-" He gestured behind him before giving a sharp bark of laughter. "OK, scrap that, the box is out of action now. This box was given to me when I moved out of college, my parents were throwing a lot of stuff out and said as I had my own place now it was up to me whether I kept any of it." He gave a sigh, remembering the gruff unimpressed words spewing from his father's mouth as he'd stowed the boxes in the back of his car. I don't know why you'd want the reminders, myself. They're not worth anything to anyone. If it's just to appease your mother feel free to throw it all away before you even get out of town. Good riddance to the lot of it. "A-anyway-" Ford smiled, awkward and not quite genuine as the words battered away inside his head, a small vicious battle looming as he argued them back to the recesses where they belonged. "I won't go into too much detail until later when Stan's awake. But that right there?" He tapped the cover of the book, her gaze following the movement. "That is a particularly special photo album of ours."
Mabel blinked a few times uncomprehendingly before an impossibly bigger smile blossomed across her face at the knowledge slotting into place. "It's a photo album?!" The words were exuberant though hushed, as her eyes snapped back to the front cover, glad to have waited for him to speak before she opened it now. "It doesn't look like a photo album. Why doesn't it look like a photo album? Is it you and Grunkle Stan as kids? We need more photos of you two as kids. What's special about it? Why is-"
"Whoa, whoa there, too many questions at once!" Ford held up his hands, batting away her questions with bright amusement before gesturing for her to open it. Her excitement was a breath of fresh air, brushed the brewing thunderclouds from his mind, the looming worries that it all wouldn't be enough to bring Stan back to them. "Why don't you have a look inside and tell me what you think is special about it?"
Mabel squealed softly, rocking from side to side as she did as he asked, her enthusiasm almost tangible in the still air around them. He didn't need to peer over her shoulder to see exactly what she was seeing, the book still a vivid fond memory even if, for some time, he hadn't been able to bring himself to look at it.
The first page was a sketch, scribbled and crude against what he could now achieve but he knew he'd been proud of it all the same, at the time. It was after all the first day in a myriad of bright memories that even then he had know were somehow important. It covered both pages, that drawing, a double page spread of a small shipwreck, white and shining, a stark beacon in the middle of a shadowed, mysterious cave.
There was a note beside it, not written by himself, one he had trailed his finger along countless times and was embedded into his memory as clearly as the voice he could still hear saying it. His brother's first addition of many to what he could probably say was his very first journal.
One day, Sixer, us and the Stan'O'War will be out there where we belong!
One day.
He had begun to hope for that again himself recently.
The musings vanished along with the turning of the pages, a little gasp here and there as sketches became photos, an old camera that wouldn't sell in the pawn shop becoming their joint birthday present that year. They were both thrilled, the Stan'O'Wars restoration becoming photographed at every milestone they could afford, with either one or both of them somewhere in the mix as well.
The best photos were the ones when they'd managed to intrigue their mother enough to come and have a look, her snapshots of them both beaming proudly aboard their project some of his favourite images of all. He still had one, nestled tight in the pocket of his trench coat, that had survived the harsh journey through the portal and brought him comfort on homesick nights when Earth seemed just so far out of reach.
He smiled off into the distance for a few seconds, as Mabel lost herself in the book, his thoughts turning more optimistic. It was the perfect trip down memory lane, the Stan'O'War so ingrained in their childhoods-
Stan had to remember that once he saw the photo album.
... He just had to.
His smile dimmed as the nerves crept back in, those hissing thoughts that even this might not work latching back on, to tear and claw at his resolve. He dragged his gaze back to the present in the hopes that Mabel would kick the malaise away once and for all that morning. He needed it gone before he saw Stan, not wanting his own doubts to eat away at him too. Stan didn't deserve that, it would manifest as anger, self-loathing for disappointing Ford and he couldn't have that.
So who better to push all the doubts away than his little shining star?
He shifted forwards, smile forcefully pulled across his teeth, eyes squinting with the force he was exerting as he went to ask her what she thought of the album, hoping against hope that her usual expressive nature would brush away the remaining fog clouding his own head-
Only his words got lodged somewhere between his brain and his tongue, slipping out of his open mouth to scatter amongst the dust that littered the floor.
His little star didn't seem to be shining.
And he hadn't even noticed.
He gulped, his mouth suddenly dry as he shuffled awkwardly where he sat. Her face was so... hard to read, her usual expressive emotions so easily distinguishable nowhere to be seen. Instead there was just a small puckered frown, her mouth twisting down and her eyebrows furrowed but he couldn't quite tell if it was in sadness or in deep thought. There were no tears, not like the heartbreaking moment when Stan hadn't recognised her, nor the stark movements of her determination once they were home and she refused to give up.
This was so much... hollower, colder than anything he had seen from her before.
There were no tears, no loud bursts of anguish or denial, no optimistic chirps or that giggle that never failed to make him smile along with her.
Just her gaze locked to the picture in front of her, finger trailing across their faces as if she was seeing something he had no way of knowing. Silent and thoughtful, her face somehow impossibly sad and yet closed off all at once.
He didn't like it, not one bit and he liked even less that he might have caused it.
"Mabel? Are you OK, sweetheart? Have I done something wrong? I, uhh- oh, please don't look so- I never meant to upset you. I just thought you'd, oh, I don't know, like to see these old things- or s-something like that?" He couldn't come up with a cohesive sentence, his brain shutting down slightly in a cacophony of confused concerns. He tilted down lower to try and be at eye level as she blinked and seemed to come back into the room.
She shook herself, small hands jerking away from the book to pull her circling finger back into her tiny fists, held to her chest. She smiled up at him, still shaking her head. "I wanted to see, I really like seeing this, thank you."
"But?" Ford couldn't help but push, her smile was back but there was something unsettling about it, so almost perfect that he was even more keenly aware of the absence of her true smile.
"But..." Mabel's smile faulted, growing sad and understanding, levelling him with eyes that were far too old for her face. His heart thudded painfully, his own smile glued to his face in a semblance of normality even as he wondered just what toll this summer had had on the young girl.
She'd grown up suddenly- too suddenly. She shouldn't have needed to grow up so fast. Shouldn't be looking at him with a look that said so much and so little all at once about what was going on behind her sad shining eyes.
"....Your smile's not as bright as it used to be."
"Oh... I-" Ford sat back at the words, not having expected that as an explanation. Mabel let the book drop slightly so he could see the image, a copy of the one that he kept close to his chest at all times. That day when they had been so proud, so ready to go off on an adventure and take the world on, just the two of them.
He envied their smiles, he had for a long while. He'd envied the bond that had been broken when he had stared at it on many an occasion, wished for nothing more than his brother and his best friend back beside him once more, wished that he could go back in time and pretend again that his brother was the person he'd always thought he was.
The one who had always had his back.
But it had all gone up in smoke, everything turned on it's head that night when he'd felt so completely and utterly betrayed by the one person he never thought would hurt him. He'd envied his younger self's ignorance more than anything else, the bond before it had been torn to shreds and he'd been left doubting everything he thought he'd known.
Wherever we go, we go together!
He'd envied the lie.
And now? Now he envied that smile, that bright nostalgic moment for far different reasons though their components mounted up to the same conclusions.
Wherever we go, we go together!
Now he envied the truth.
That Stan had never meant to hurt him, not like that.
He'd told himself so many times that everything his brother had said must have been a lie, that he'd never been the person he'd grown up thinking he was, that he'd actually started to believe it himself.
Now... Now he just wanted his brother back again.
He hated that where his brother had gone, he couldn't follow.
He hated that he couldn't keep their age old promise.
But... the photo gave him far more hope than it once had.
Because maybe now, with it's help, he could bring his brother just that bit closer to being himself again.
Ford gave a soft smile, the worry that had begun to manifest as he went silent easing from Mabel's face with the expression. "A lot has happened since then, unfortunately."
Mabel nodded, understanding and reassuringly, though still sad. "Yeah, I just... wish it hadn't?"
Ford watched as Mabel's hand lightly trailed over Stan's face, soft and hesitant as if scared that by touching it, it would all vanish, and with the motion his heart sank just a little bit more.
A lot had happened since that photo was taken.
Both him and Stan had changed.
He might have lost his smile, but they had lost far more when it came to Stan. "Mabel-"
Mabel shook herself again as he spoke, hand once again pulled away quickly as she smiled up at him. It was closer, a soft sincerity to it, even if it wasn't exactly what had been expecting from her in that instant. Anything that gave her back her optimistic attitude was OK with him, however. "But! But- it's getting much better." She pointed at his face with obvious happy scrutiny. "It's already a lot brighter than it was when you first came back through the portal. And I mean, it's not surprising with all that weirdness going on that, well you know-" She gestured uselessly, frowning at her inability to word it. "But whenever Grunkle Stan remembers even a little bit more you get this big smile on your face." She nodded to herself, still appraising him, punching a fist into her other open hand. "So I bet we can have it this bright again when we get the last few of Grunkle Stan's memories back... right?"
He liked that she used the word 'when' instead of 'if'. That alone made him nod along with her, his smile soft but genuine.
"Yes, true, very true. We'll both get there."
"That's the spirit! And I bet we can get Grunkle Stan's smile just as big as well when he sees this and remembers all the great times you two had."
Ford could feel some of the tension lifting, her exuberant spirit rubbing off on him. His gaze grew more determined as he turned back to what was left of the box behind him, hands at his hips as he got himself ready for another dive into the dust cloud. "I can't argue with that. I think it's time to get back to it and see what else I can find. What do you think?"
"I think that's a great idea! Is it OK if I keep looking through what you've already found?"
"Of course it is, I always welcome your company, sweetie."
The was a strange tension to the air, it ebbed and flowed in waves across them and Ford found himself faltering, unsure as to what to do about it all.
He had dived back into his work with vigour, letting Mabel's chatter keep him focused in the present. Asking questions and pointing out bright shining photos that she thought would be the best examples to show Stan first. It had worked well, the pair of them in tandem, Mabel's presence a bright spark to keep him from sinking back into his thoughts or letting the dirt and dust get the better of him.
All this had a purpose, he could get cleaned up later, each new find an accomplishment as the pair gathered a now growing pile of assorted memories ready and waiting to be brought back to the forefront.
Each one brought a new set of questions, a gleeful chirping as Ford reminisced, arms gesturing widely with the stories he was spinning and half the time accidentally causing more cascades of boxes in the cramped quarters.
...The exuberant conversations didn't always last long though.
As soon as he went back to continue his endeavours, as soon as she thought he was zoned into his work, Mabel's voice dropped away from his peripheral. The atmosphere grew colder, quieter as she went back to staring at the book in her hands. It was like a switch flicked whenever she thought he couldn't see her, her bubbly optimism a mask that she wore to make sure he didn't worry. But he noticed, as much as she didn't want him to, he noticed as her words tapered off, caught out of the corner of his eye as her smile cracked and fell away, her eyes losing the spark of happiness he had grown to love.
And then the smile would be back full force, her words blossoming back out as she came back into the room and asked another question.
And for a while, Ford could doubt himself, could distract himself with the hope that he was just worrying too much and she was fine, that he had been seeing and feeling things. That he had projected all of his own doubts and nerves on to her and that was all it was.
For a while, the light would be back in the room, the clouds dispersed as they both distracted themselves and carried on moving forward, their little world turned ever onwards and they carried on pretending that everything was as it should be.
But then they'd run out of things to say again.
And the room would grow colder.
And Ford couldn't pretend he'd been seeing things any longer as the world went off kilter and his little star's glow grew faint and distant.
He didn't know what to do, what could he say? Was there anything that would actually help matters? He didn't want to lie to her, he didn't want to give her false hope but he didn't want to let her lose hope either.
Her hope had given them Stan back, she hadn't been able to give up on him and he'd never be able to thank her enough for what that accomplished.
He just hoped he'd be able to do the same when the time came, put together the last few pieces of his memories so that the person they all knew and loved could finally stand beside them whole again.
That didn't help him now though, not when it was Mabel that needed comforting.
He stood up from the box he'd been blindly rummaging in, biting at his lip as he wondered how to broach the subject.
And in that moment, her own words came back to him, his shoulders relaxing as an idea formed.
"Hey Sweetheart?"
"Yeah?" Mabel looked up from her spot, head tilted as she stared up at him with doleful eyes. She smiled at him, inviting him to continue but Ford could see right through the crafted expression, the light not quite reaching her eyes, even as she consciously shook away whatever it was distracting her.
"Your smile's not as bright as it used to be." Ford crouched down in front of her, face concerned and understanding as he regarded her now shocked expression. Her little face wavered, her lip wobbling as she opened her mouth and shook her head against whatever it was that was now bubbling up. He could see it, plain as day on her face, but she was still struggling so desperately to deny it, to keep on smiling, keep on pretending that everything was OK because that was what was expected. Part of him worried he was pushing but her mouth opened again as if the words wanted to flood out before she pressed her lips together in a thin line, her expression shamefaced and guilty.
She didn't want to worry him, she didn't want to say whatever it was on her mind because she was the positive one and she had to keep up the facade.
She thought she had to be strong.
That wasn't her burden to bear.
"Do you want to tell me what's troubling you?"
The words came out in a soft rumble of concern, reassuring and comforting in their warmth and in his willingness to listen. His heart broke when he saw the exact moment her willpower crumbled under the weight of it all, as if his words had opened the floodgate to all the things that had been festering away inside her without any outlet to disperse from. Her nod in return was almost lost beneath her sudden lurch forward, the book slipping from her knees as she buried herself in his chest. He fell back into a seated position, arms wrapping round her instinctively and protectively as she shook and sobbed into his shoulder, her words unable to slip through the overwhelming onslaught of emotions that had abruptly descended.
It had been a long trying time on all of them, these last few days, of course she needed a moment to let it all out.
He was only too happy to help, anything to get that smile back where it belonged.
Her proper smile, that is, not the mask of optimism she was so intensely trying to maintain.
Her smile, her bubbling attitude wouldn't just bounce back like she was trying to pretend it could but he was sure with time, with her family all around her, they could bring it back.
He shushed her firmly but gently as she hiccupped, a half mumbled apology on her lips that he refused to accept. She had nothing to apologise for. He rocked her gently from side to side, one hand running soothingly through her hair.
"It's OK. I've got you. Everything's going to be OK."
He didn't want her to pretend she was fine when she wasn't. She didn't need to apologise for needing help.
That's what he was there for.
He needed her to know that, needed her to know that they were all there for her.
He pulled her in even tighter, glad when her little arms followed suit around his neck, tightening as she burrowed further into his warm embrace as if glad for the grounding presence as she let all the emotion out.
"We'll all get there, I promise. Just you wait, I'll make sure of it."
The words became a mantra in the quiet room, a small safe bubble whilst the rest of household slept on.
"I've got you. We're all going to be OK. I promise, everything will be OK."
AN: And done. This prompt was just too good to choose who said it to who so both of them said it! ^o^
#gravity falls fanfiction#gravity falls#grunkle ford#mabel pines#stanford pines#fic prompt#prompts are now closed
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God's Own Country sounds/looks beautiful! Were there any more scenes that stood out for you? Was it a different experience seeing it the second time? I don't mind reading spoilers so don't worry about that
Hey all, Thank you everyone for engaging with me these last few weeks on God’s Own Country. It has been an immense pleasure to keep reliving it through your questions. The film has seeped into my bones in a way it probably wouldn’t have otherwise. It still hasn’t really left my thoughts….
However, this is my last God’s Own Country post. Boooo. Don’t worry, it’s a good one. After this, I’m afraid I have to hang up my hat. Too many things to love, too little time. Also spare a thought for those following this blog who want to hear about a range of up and coming actors, but have heard nothing but this film for weeks. (I will still post questions about Josh…)
This is intended as a companion piece to my first post about God’s Own Country. Where the previous one is much more emotionally written, this one is a little more analytical. You can read all the previous posts about the film through the tag (there’s loads!) and I really encourage you to read the Gheorghe tag too as some great stuff has come up about him.
Onto more thoughts. This is for the anons who have asked to talk more on my impressions, including the one that sent in this ask.
I started my first post with Josh and that’s how I’ll conclude. I’m a performance oriented person you see. While I like storytelling and quality writing a great deal, the reason I’ve always loved theatre so much is that intimate relationship between me and the actor who is embodying the character. I can get extremely carried away by it; I spend a lot of time in small theatres!
So one of the things that stood out for me more the third time I watched it was that change in Johnny as portrayed so beautifully and fully by Josh O’Connor. I think I forgot just how much pleasure Johnny gets from his fledgling relationship with Gheorghe. That’s as gorgeously portrayed as the anguish of the emotions Johnny is feeling in the final scene that I highlighted in my last post. A review I quoted recently sums this up really nicely:
[…] once the romance has begun, Johnny embraces it with almost naive enthusiasm […]
Johnny’s wide eyed excitement is really enjoyable to watch. He has gone through this immense change and we’re along for the ride with him. At various points after Johnny has accepted his relationship with Gheorghe we see someone that is almost another man, sneaking erotically charged glances across a room, laughing, teasing and respecting someone for the first time. It’s secret and private and even when Johnny tries to be the man we saw at the beginning - sullen and moody - he’s unconvincing, broken down by a couple of kisses and malleable to Gheorghe’s will.
It’s no surprise really that some of the most stand out scenes are the interactions between the two men. That charged chemistry between the actors is incredibly believable.
I’ve touched briefly on it before, but there’s a scene in the film that is post-coital and it’s really a turning point for Johnny. It’s before he really changes in this way, but it’s probably one of the most important scenes in the film. It’s the only scene in which both characters are completely open both physically and emotionally. As they sit together, semi-naked, but comfortable, Johnny reveals some things about himself personally that it’s quite obvious he hasn’t spoken about to anyone before. This raw nakedness is really touching. He finds it hard to look Gheorghe in the eye as he speaks, picking at a scab on his hand as a distraction, but he draws in the audience, doubling down on our understanding of him.
Gheorghe understands this is a difficult moment for Johnny because he’s just got that empathic personality. And just as Gheorghe understands what a new born lamb needs, so too he knows what a potentially skittish Johnny needs. He stops Johnny picking his scab and licks it, granting us maybe THE most sexy/erotically charged moment in the film. (Your mileage may vary…) Johnny’s face is just the perfect mix of shock and a bit of arousal and a bit of WOW.
Performance. 👍
The other thing I noticed on my third viewing was just how much Gheorghe watches Johnny. I’d been put in mind to look out for Gheorghe’s feelings a bit more by the questions I got on here and it was quite illuminating. Gheorghe is pretty obsessed with Johnny from the start! 😏 His eyes follow Johnny around and they don’t really stop. I was struck by the scene between Johnny and his father early on in the film, where they argue and Johnny gets a telling off. Gheorghe hears all of Johnny’s frustration and disappointments in that scene, following to watch through the window as they continue clashing outside. It seems to me that Gheorghe becomes pretty fascinated by Johnny early on, observing him and understanding some of what he’s going through. While he doesn’t directly address it, his comment about it being lonely there is a tentative attempt at understanding who Johnny is and his sad predicament. His rough insistence on checking Johnny’s hand when he injures it is his way of forcing Johnny to accept his intervention. Johnny’s acceptance shows his openness to being cared for that then gets taken many steps further later on. It’s a prelude to what happens between them later, but I think Gheorghe has probably thought about it before then even.
I’ve written extensively on God’s Own Country now, so I feel like talking about any other scenes is too exhaustive. I’ve mention them all at one point or another! Thanks Josh, Alec and Francis for your wonderful film. I’ll be back in the new year when the DVD is out and we can discuss the deleted scenes and extras that better be on it!
To everyone that is still waiting for the film to come to your country - I am with you in spirit. Remember, I was waiting for this film from the day it was announced that Josh would be in it so I know how you feel! And then waiting as it screened around the world - I’ve been there. But I will tell you that it’s worth the wait 1000 times over. ❤️
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Notes on a Blog Cleanup, Part 5
...And now I’m at Page 611. I’m in the end of 2016. So, a little under 400 pages to get through another 18ish months. Big change from the first 1000 pages being 18 months.
And this is when things go very, very wrong, for all of us, and then for me in a big way, in particular.
This is less about the blog and just more about reflecting on a time period.
And maybe my last post on this series. We’ll see.
This got real personal at the end. I’ll see if I keep it up tomorrow.
I really loved going through the last couple of years on the blog, but I was very, very much dreading getting to November, 2016. We all know why.
The second half of 2015 was pretty great. Went to NYCC a second time (though I never got around to doing recaps of that trip, which had its ups and downs but mostly ups), and then mom and I went on a Caribbean cruise, which I also didn’t do much recaps of. Because on that trip, my grandmother had a big downturn on her health. My mom nearly left the cruise early to fly back to Dallas (and the Princess Cruise people were so, so good to my mom when the front desk found out what was going on). But in the end she stayed, but getting back home was like when everything really started going wrong, and why I say that the end of one of the best times of my life stopped after that cruise.
We got back, and a week later grandma had the stroke that signaled the end, and after a little over a month of hospice care that was very difficult to watch (and my mom and aunt and even dad were so brave about), she was gone. Some good stuff happened in there, like The Force Awakens released, a fun Christmas party at work... but yeah.
I kept alluding to other bad things happening in 2016 and yet I honestly can’t remember now what was so bad, except that my oldest cat and my dog’s healths were both starting to fail. I’m sure I had other reasons, but hey, from the standpoint of 2019, I’d just about to kill to go back to one ordinary weekday of January through very early November 2016 when we had a sane president and relatively sane political climate, I still had my job with the people I loved, and Jim and Cebu were still alive.
Not that things are THAT TERRIBLE now, I just... really miss all those things.
I deleted a lot of political posts from the blog back then because, tbh, they just hurt to much to see. I was like 90% sure Hillary would win, weren’t we all? It wasn’t supposed to happen this way.
I got to one post the day the Cubs won the World Series and was like “That was the last day where things felt... hopeful and normal?” Like wow this one really cool thing happened (at least to me it was awesome) and then like two days later... the world turned upside down.
I took the next day off work to stay in bed and just... cope. When I went back to work the next day a friend of mine and I were talking and she told me that she knew how I felt but thought it wasn’t going to be that bad. That maybe I was overreacting. A year later she told me she was wrong to have told me that.
I’m counting the months until, hopefully, this is all over. If we’re lucky, sixteen months. If this impeachment thing actually yields results, much less. If we’re very not lucky... much, much more than that. I can’t even deal with the thought.
I’ve... decided to press pause on the blog cleanup, even though I have 600 pages (which is still THREE YEARS!) to go.
I got to my first post where I admitted on the blog that I knew it would be Jim’s time to go pretty soon, and at the time, thought I still had around 6 months for Cebu.
In the last few years, I have gone back and visited my posts about how my close to 17 year-old cat died on Christmas morning and then my 14+ year-old dog died three days later. It was, so far, still considered to be the worst week of my life. I had no family in town to turn to really, but they called, and friends who reached out online, and I made it through that time, but it’s three years later and it’s still hard to really think about when I’m not in the right headspace.
The entirety of the end of 2016 until... honestly, like June of 2018 was like a freight train that hit and didn’t let go. Things were actually okay when the grief cloud lifted around March of 2017 until the end of June, and then I found out my company was getting bought out, and then, well, this happened. And it was worse than what I wrote in that post, to try and not mudsling as much as I could have.
I am still finding posts I want to tag, entire gifsets I forgot to tag correctly here and there, or things that should have been tagged personal post or TAH or Mass Effect or whatever that weren’t. As time goes on, I tag better and better though, and very little needs to be deleted other than “stuff is one sale right now!” or “This is no longer relevant” posts so... it’s relatively good now.
I’ve been feeling pretty shitty the last couple of weeks. My dad’s oldest sister is dying, she’ll be gone in the next week or two. I went to Palm Springs to visit her at the beginning of the month. She was always so bright and vibrant and... classy. I hadn’t seen her at all in like a decade though. It’s weird how time gets away from you like that.
The last time I’d seen her and my uncle, my entire family including my (mom’s sister) aunt, my (mom’s mom) grandma, my brother, (pregnant at the time!) SIL, and her parents were all supposed to go on a cruise, and Mom/dad/grandma/aunt and I were to stay with that (dad’s sister) aunt and uncle for a few days over thanksgiving before getting on the ship. Grandma got sick, so I did Thanksgiving with (ds) aunt and uncle on my own. And it was really fun. I’d been so nervous at the time to be there without my parents and... nope it was a great weekend. They took me to a Christmas fair, a NA Pow-wow (public was invited!), antiquing, bought me a sweatshirt and a copper bracelet... spoiled me rotten.
Seeing her so diminished and what she and my uncle are going through now... very difficult. My parents have been out there for over a month now, they’ll be there to the end.
I thought I’d posted about this but I guess I hadn’t? Over July 4th weekend I drove to visit my brother and sister in law and their (four!) kids. My parents were there, too (they’re RVers, they can be wherever they want in a few days) My dad’s OTHER sister and his brother flew in for a day and a half, too. I saw more family this year than I had than the past 10 years before this combined. It’s really started to make me think about the value of family, if they’re good to you, which mine are, even if you don’t agree with them about everything.
I thought I was getting sick all day, I came home from work at like 10:30 this morning, called into a meeting, slept through lunch, worked for an hour or two, had my afternoon meetings canceled by my boss then just laid in bed. I was supposed to go play D&D4e tonight, and I didn’t go. I could have. I just... realized late this afternoon, I’m not sick, I’m just... blah. I’m not sure if going through this blog was a symptom of that, or a cause.
I think the impeachment stuff is getting to me, too. It’s a part of how I feel. I can’t stop looking for news of it. I don’t want to get my hopes up. I keep telling myself to let it go. I can’t. We are all so tired of what’s going on. I’m exhausted. We all are.
I can’t get the idea of moving to where my brother lives to be near him and the SIL and the kids out of my head. I’ve been looking at real estate listings and can probably get a slightly nicer house there for what I could sell mine for here. My job is... it’s fine. But I could probably get a similar one there. There’s one thing holding me here, my friends. I keep wondering now if that’s enough. I’ve lived in Dallas literally half my life. Am I going to spend the rest of it here? I’m not as happy as I used to be, that’s for sure.
Maybe. It’s just a thought. It’s a lot of work. I don’t know. I probably won’t go anywhere.
I think I need to go get some more sleep.
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I just lost a friend over something so stupid, and I’m so mad. I want to scream.
Somebody literally had the audacity to use my situation with Hurricane Harvey to promo their blog.
As most of you know, I was hit kind of hard by Harvey. I don’t post about it too much, because it’s Depressing and Unfun, and tumblr is mostly my way to escape. So a while back, when the floodwaters had just retreated, my friend on tumblr came to me wanting to vent, and I thought they were asking for advice. After a few back and forths, I realized they didn’t want my advice and just wanted to vent. But like, I have a lot on my plate right now. And because I thought we were friends, I thought I could be honest about that. So I sent a polite message saying
“Okay somewhere along the line I think I misunderstood what you wanted from me. I thought you were asking for advice, which is why i offered it. Since we're friends, I'll be honest with you. For about the next 3 days it's going to be super duper rough for me, and I've got a lot on my plate. On a normal day I would be 1000% down to listen to you vent and be a Supportive and Good Friend™ but I just don't have the mental or emotional capacity to do that right now. I'm sorry, I want to be there for u to listen to you vent, and you can totally lay it all on me like at any other time and I will be glad to hear it, but for now and the next 3 days, I just can't handle it.”
They responded with “that’s fine.” and nothing else, so I said “Thank you so much for understanding” and they just. Stopped talking to me. The next day I sent a message saying that I hope they had a great day, and sorry for being a downer. No response.
Two days later, I asked them how their day was. They said “fine. you?” Since, again, I had asked to not talk about Deep things, I glossed over the fact that my house was being ripped apart by helpful neighbors, and also mentioned I had class tomorrow. Their response?
“i'm fine. hope you have a good day in class tomorrow.”
Clearly, that is the end of the conversation. So I just figured, hey, they’re probably not in the mood to talk right now, So I said I’d leave em to it, and logged off.
Two days later, I see a post on my dash. It’s them asking for a promo. The tags are this: #i think an ex mutual is badmouthing me ://// #because i didnt want to talk to them when they wanted to talk #so i think theyre like name dropping me now #but anyway im also close to my next k
Cool. Fine. Whatever.
But then I see an ask on my dash
Anon: You don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but why would they badmouth you? If you don't mind me asking?
Answer: nah it’s cool here’s the storythe other day i was ranting to them about something that was bothering me, and they were talking to me about it and stuff but then they just snapped at me and told me they couldn’t deal with me for the next couple of days (because they were dealing with the aftermath of Harvey and like okay that’s fine that’s cool i understand please by all means go deal with that don’t even worry about me my issues aren’t as important) so we didn’t speak for a few days. i gave them their space. which is what they wanted, right? well like almost exactly 3 days later they come to me and want to talk. well, i haven’t been feeling awesome lately, as you might know, and when i get into a depressive state i tend not to talk much. i’ll answer anons and stuff but messages don’t really… i can’t really handle that. so they start talking to me, and i reply but… i’m not as into the conversation as i usually am when i talk to them i guess? (also i’m watching a video at this time so i’m like trying to watch that and not leave them hanging while also feeling like shit. and i told them this) so anyway they unfollowed me sometime between that conversation and the next morning. (also the conversation didn’t even… like i wasn’t shitty to them? and they weren’t shitty to me? so i don’t understand) now since then i’ve lost like 20 followers. and i haven’t been posting on this blog much. i have a queue running but i don’t think any of those posts were problematic, if so i think someone would tell me. and any discourse i post is on a sideblog so it can’t be that. unless tumblr is royally fucking up, but i don’t think that’s it. so i’m pretty sure this person is flat out just bashing me. anyway that’s it im done talking about it. just if yall could reblog my promo post that would be awesome because i’ve been steady losing followers since that night ://///
Bolded emphasis is mine.
Literally all of that is a lie. I never unfollowed them until yesterday, which is how I saw the post! It was on my dash.
I never said I didn’t want to deal with them, I said I couldn’t handle venting for probably 3 days.
I sent a message to them after they said “that’s fine” I sent a message the next day and got no response. And I sent a message the day after that, and that’s when they finally decided to grace me with their presence.
I never unfollowed them. Well, I did yesterday because I value myself too much to let myself be used and dragged around by people.
I never told anyone about it using their name.
So of course, I sent a message. I asked them if they wanted me to unfollow them, since they’d unfollowed me. I said I was hurt because pretty much none of that was true. They said they’d deleted the chat and at the top it didn’t say I was still following so they just assumed I unfollowed.
They said “I guess it was just a misunderstanding”
Then I apologized. After reading the wording of the post, I thought, oh no maybe they read my initial message wrong, and assumed that I actually didn’t want to talk to them, not just talking about the vent stuff.
“ I apologize if I worded it in a way that made you think I couldn't handle YOU. What I was trying to say is that I couldn't handle anymore emotional drama right now than my own, which I think is fair. Since you deleted it, this is what I said:
‘Okay somewhere along the line I think I misunderstood what you wanted from me. I thought you were asking for advice, which is why i offered it. Since we're friends, I'll be honest with you. For about the next 3 days it's going to be super duper rough for me, and I've got a lot on my plate. On a normal day I would be 1000% down to listen to you vent and be a Supportive and Good Friend™ but I just don't have the mental or emotional capacity to do that right now. I'm sorry, I want to be there for u to listen to you vent, and you can totally lay it all on me like at any other time and I will be glad to hear it, but for now and the next 3 days, I just can't handle it.’
I was trying to say we should talk about only not-emotional things for a while, since, you know, my house is being ripped apart and I no longer have a car. And I also am trying not to bog my friends down with the fact that I'm in a Shitty Situation right now and I don't think it's fair to constantly be like This Sucks, so I was trying to stay away from emotionally heavy topics”
and they told me that it wasn’t the case. That the initial message was not the problem. Then why, in their massive plea to their followers did they lie and say I ‘didn’t want to deal with them?’
Their response:
“that's not why i thought you were mad at me. i understood that. you're situation sucks, i saw the pictures. so i understood completely that you didn't want to deal with the drama. i thought you were mad at me because when you did talk to a couple days later i wasn't feeling very good and i wasn't talking to anyone but i wanted to reply to you. after you didn't reply after i apologized i figured you had gotten super pissed that i wasn't being talkative. like we usually are. “
Here are the next few messages:
Me: I'm going to lot out of Tumblr for a while. You really really hurt my feelings. I understand there was a miscommunication but instead of talking to me about it, you posted about it on tumblr, which I saw on my dash just scrolling through Tumblr. I feel like I've shared a lot with you and now I feel very vulnerable, like if I ever am anything but 100% emotionally available to you, you'll blame me for things too. I'm just hurt. And I need to take care of stuff at the house, and I need time to nurse my hurt feelings
Them: i understand
3 days later
Me: I'm back on tumblr and I noticed you don't follow me anymore. why? do you still think i told people to unfollow you? that isn't true. I never told anybody anything. I feel like I also deserve an explanation. Why did you make a post about me, saying that I told people to follow you? I'm still following you, by the way. Unless you don't want me to, which is okay, I guess but kind of unexpected, seeing as I have literally done nothing to you at all, besides asking you to not vent to me for like 3 days. I just.. I want an explanation. And where do we stand now. Do you just not want to be friends anymore?
Them: i unfollowed you because i was sure that you had unfollowed me. and then when you came and told me you didn't i felt like if i had it would have made things worse, so i waited. the night you talked to me after the whole don't vent to me for three days thing you said "i guess i'll leave you to it." and i told you that i wasn't feeling well, also i was watching something. you never got back to me so i was like well shit i think i pissed them off. i didn't mean to i just did not feel good. so the next day i went to see if you still followed me, but this must be a sideblog or something because it didn't find you. i think that's what it does for sideblogs. so i did the next best thing, which was to delete our conversation and start a new one to see if it said we were still mutuals or whatever. it didn't say anything so i assumed you had unfollowed me (i lost like 3 or 4 followers that night and i thought you were one of them) so i was like oh damn i guess i did piss them off. so i went ahead and unfollowed. then in like the next day or so i lost like 20-30 followers. i wasn't posting any discourse or anything so i didn't understand why this mass amount of people were ditching me all at the same time. the only thing i could think of was that someone was shit talking me. (turns out it was an ex mutual that was trash talking me, but it wasn't you) so i assumed oh damn i guess i pissed them off really bad and they're here trash talking me. in hindsight it was stupid but my RSD was snowballing everything into a horrible mess. i thought i had pissed you off so bad that night that i wasn't being chatty. literally none of this had anything to do with the three days you didn't want to talk to me.
Me: okay, 1. please stop saying i didn't want to talk to you for 3 days. We already talked about this and established that I didn't want to talk about heavy things, aka venting--Not that I didn't want to talk to you. You told me that you understood this. If you don't then we can go through it again, but I never ever said that I didn't want to talk to you, and the fact that you keep saying that is really rubbing me the wrong way. 2. Cool. I understand your reasoning. I get it, I just took 3 days off myself because I was crazy overwhelmed. But you made a post about me, in which you are very clearly talking about me. Like, people asked me about it. In that post, you said I snapped at you, and you accused me of name-dropping you and getting people to unfollow you. Then, in the tags, you said that you never name-dropped me, and it's because you aren't "sheisty," meaning that I AM shitty for "namedropping" you, which I didn't do. I literally never did anything, and the post is STILL there 3. I didn't respond to you because I logged off tumblr. I started up a chat, asked you how your day was, you said fine? you? i gave you an update and said i had class tomorrow. You said "have a good day at school tomorrow" which is what people usually say when they say bye. So, i was like, alright, Lio's not in the mood for talking, guess it's time to go. 4. If you were worried I was mad, you could have just asked. 5. you have yet to say sorry. I dunno, are you sorry? like I didn't DO anything to you, Lio, and you even said it was someone else, yet you made a huge post about me which I saw on my dash because I'm still following you! It was a lot to handle, because I thought we were friends, and I was already dealing with a lot! It really really hurt me and it left me feeling vulnerable. I understand why you thought the way you did, but you still made a post about me that people could tell was me, because I got questions about it!! Lastly, this IS a sideblog, I have a personal blog, which is in my about and I have answered questions about and I don't give it to people unless we're friends because the Voltron fandom is full of nasties.
It’s almost been a week since I sent that. No response. I’m a pretty understanding person. If they had sent a message like “Hey, I want to keep talking to you about this, but I need a few days to get organized.” I would be totally fine. Also, I’m getting mad at this point, because they have yet to say sorry. The lied and accused me of doing things I didn’t do to get sympathy from their followers, and the post is still up. If they just literally talked to me about anything, sent a “hey, are you mad at me?” or “do you still follow me?” none of this would have happened. Keep in mind, I didn’t do anything they accused me of, and they realized that it was someone else.
So finally today I said:
Me: guess that's it, huh? never figured you for someone who wouldn't apologize. For clarity's sake, now I've unfollowed you.
Them: Just because I hadn't replied to you yet doesn't mean I'm not sorry or that I wasn't going to. But alright.
Them: Regardless, I am sorry for everything I did. It was stupid of me to assume everything and even stupider of me to air it publicly. No matter how upset I was or how how wholeheartedly I believed my own foolish accusations. You didn't deserve any of this and I'm sorry for putting you through it after that you've already had to deal with. It wasn't fair and for that I profusely apologize. You don't have to reply to this I just wanted you to know that I am sorry before all is said and done. Anyway, goodbye.
Somebody literally used my situation with Hurricane Harvey as an excuse to promo themselves on tumblr.
Literally all I wanted was a sincere apology, and maybe the post taken down or a correction posted because people who followed us both asked me about it. They knew who I was based on that post. It’s taken me a long time, and a lot of therapy to get here, but my therapist keeps reminding me that I have to value myself enough to demand acceptable treatment for myself. Wanting an apology is not unreasonable. Like, how dare you use my situation to promo yourself? How dare you claim I’m being unreasonable after going radio-silence on me for almost a week, with no explanation? (Again, I’d be totally cool if they needed a week to deal with other stuff, if they’d just asked).
I’m so mad. I’m seeing red.
My advice: Talk to people about how you feel and don’t make shit up about them. Be honest with how you feel and what’s up.
And last of all, don’t be a manipulative asshole.
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