#it's almost midnight thats why im starting to Get Sad LOL

[in-a-constant-daydream6]

Completely & Utterly

Bucky x reader 

Word count: 2,052

A/N: this is my first attempt at writing so it’s probably awful lol :) feedback is very much appreciated and welcomed! hope you enjoy! (hopefully its not too bad) :)

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

“Hey, you okay kid?” Tony asks his voice laced with concern. Returning back to reality your tear filled eyes find Tony’s. You quickly whisper a “yes” which is followed by a poor attempt at a smile. You hadn’t intended for it to come out as a whisper but the softness of Tony’s voice combined with your emotional state creates a lump in your throat. 

   The bar holds the usual chatter and warmth. It is classy yet cosy, and the monotonous downpour of rain only elevates the warmth and brightness of its interior. However, today Starks bar (called ‘The Iron Man’) didn’t bring the same joy it once did. In an attempt to hold your tears back, you take a sip of your lemonade. 

   Your hands pick at the corner of the beer mat whilst Tony places his hand on your shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “Well, if you need anything you know where to find me.” You nod and Tony makes his way back to the bar giving handshakes and quirky comments to those who come here regularly.

   It had been a year since your best friend Bucky had left for New York. One whole year. God, You shouldn’t be this heartbroken still. But you were because he wasn’t just your best friend, he was the person who made you laugh until your stomach ached with pain, he was the person you would have midnight phone calls with…he was the person who you shared your childhood with. You don’t know the exact moment you realised you loved him more than a friend, but maybe there wasn’t a moment. Maybe you had always loved him completely and utterly.

————————————————————————-

1 year ago (the day before Bucky left for New York) 

Huddled in a corner of the room, you and Nat speak in hushed tones. “Y/N you need to tell him before he leaves tomorrow.”

“I can’t” you stammer “this is a huge opportunity for him, I can’t just go up to him and say ‘hey Bucky I just wanted to say that I’m in love with you and I think I have been for like forever. Have a nice life in New York though,” exhaling a stressed sigh you massage your temple. Why couldn’t I have just plucked up the courage and told him years ago?!

“Y/N look at me. You are one of my closest friends - I consider you a sister, which is why I think you should tell him. I know the timing isn’t ideal.”

“Ideal?” You interrupt “Its awful. It would be selfish of me to tell him now.” 

“No it wouldn’t” Nat’s soft tone is comforting “you will be selfish if you don’t tell him. He should leave knowing your true feelings. Perhaps he feels the same way about you and he’s leaving because he thinks you don’t feel the same way.”

“And if he does feel the same way, which I highly doubt he does…what if he then decides to stay. I would feel terrible…I would feel like I was preventing him from reaching his absolute potential and like I was holding him back from chasing his dreams. You know how excited he is Nat.” You say with a dejected tone.

  There’s a silent pause.  Nat looks at you with a mixture of concern and sadness in her eyes. “Well whatever you decide just know that I’m here for you - no matter what.” She reaches for your hand and gives you a smile which evokes a warmth within you. What would you do without Nat? …What will you do without Bucky?

   You return her smile, although it doesn’t quite reach your eyes. “Thank you Nat, really, it means a lot. I don’t know where I’d be without you.”

“Your life would be hell without me” and she’s back to her usual playful self in which you are truly grateful for.

“Im not interrupting anything, am I?” Bucky asks. You look over your shoulder when Nat says “Of course not, I’m just heading to ladies so if you’ll excuse me,” which is followed by a reassuring wink.

  “Hey, I haven’t seen you much this evening. Is everything okay?”

  “Yeah” you weakly muster whilst trying to give a convincing smile.

  “It’s just…you’ve been kinda distant lately and that isn’t like you at all. We always tell each other everything, and I know I’m going to New York but it’s only one year, and you can come and visit, and we’ll FaceTime and call all the time.” He places his hand on your arm and gives you his signature smile, which never fails to send your heart flying.

 “Im fine, really….work has just been…stressful lately, thats all.” His glassy blue eyes search yours and you immediately know that he’s not buying it.

 “How long have we known each other Y/N? I know when your lying,” he runs his fingers through his hair and lets out a sigh, “I thought you’d be happy for me - I’d be happy for you. You know I thought I’d be able to spend my last day with my best friend, I thought we’d have a great day celebrating with all of our friends which would allow me to feel content before heading onto the plane…but I guess not.” he expresses, hurt entwined with every word. 

Thoughts are racing through your head, you thought you’d be able to carry on pretending for just one more day (obviously not). Your pause and absence of words cause Bucky to walk away. You promptly follow him to an empty room, you can still hear Steve and Sam’s laughter which seems to then blend into music and chatter.

   “Wait…Bucky” you plead, grabbing his arm. His muscles tense, making you realise how physically strong he has become - unlike his gawky teenage years.

   He stops and looks at you with hurt reflecting in his eyes, “What Y/N?”

   You don’t know whether a surge of courage or stupidity takes over you but you manage to muster the three words you have always wanted to tell him, “I-I…love you.”

   “What-what did you say?” his voice is subdued. You know he heard you but confusion forces him to ask anyway.

   “I love you Bucky, completely and utterly.” Your voice breaks and you can feel your eyes begin to fill with tears.

   “Why…why haven’t you told me…before?,” he shakes his head in confusion and rubs his face, “why are you telling me a day before I leave for New York?”

   “I promise you, I didn’t plan to tell you today”

He cuts in “So when were you going to tell me?! I can’t-I cant do this…not now.”

   Your heart breaks “okay,” your voice is almost a whisper, “I’m really sorry Buck, I really didn’t mean to do this right now but…” your voice trails away as you don’t know what else there is to say.

   He nods whilst biting his lip, “I know…you- um, don’t need to worry about coming to the airport with me tomorrow… it’s really early so…I’ll give you a ring when I get there.” He walks away before you can say anything, and you let the tears run down you cheeks.

   You don’t know how long you are standing there before Nat embraces you, cooing gently “it’s okay.”

———————————————————————

Back to present day

“You know if you smile that much you might pull a muscle.” Looking up you see one of your closest friends, Natasha. The redhead walks over to sit by you with a grin on her face and the usual mischievous glint in her eyes. You couldn’t help but reciprocate the grin. 

 “And why, might I add, are you drinking lemonade when we are supposed to be celebrating your new job?” She raises her eyebrows at you but then her demeanour changes. She places her hand on top of yours and you look up. “You heard about Bucky?”

You nod, scared that if you try to talk you’ll start crying. 

 You did speak to Bucky several times after that night but it was awkward, neither one of you knowing what to say, eventually the calls stopped. It hurt, and not just because he didn’t love you back but because you felt like you had lost your best friend. 

You tried your best to move on and you think Sam, Steve, Clint and Wanda believed it. However, Tony didn’t - but he didn’t pry and you appreciated that, he did however check to make sure that you were okay. Of course, Natasha knew that you were hurting and you were able to express your true emotions in front of her. 

You don’t know how many movies you watched together or how many times she held you while you broke down, but you did manage to move on with your life and things were…good. You and Nat still shared an apartment which was great, and every Saturday the others would come over for drinks and/or a movie (usually ending in fits of laughter). It was actually during the last Saturday get together, that you had overheard Steve and Sam talk about Bucky. And that’s when you heard he was going to propose to his girlfriend. It caught you by surprise, you knew he had been dating her for a while but you weren’t quite expecting a proposal. You had also heard Steve voice his concerns about Bucky and how he didn’t sound like his usual self, but Sam shrugged it off and said he was probably nervous about proposing.

................................................................................

   “I’m happy for him - really.” You gave your best attempt at a smile. Nat didn’t buy it but she didn’t say anything further as the others had arrived and were heading towards your table. Sam was first to wrap his arms around you, “Congratulations! Wow, a journalist! Well, if you need any interesting stories-”

“She wont go to you,” Nat interjects, a grin plastered on her face.

Everyone laughs and Steve slaps slam on the back, “you were asking for that.” They all give you a hug and express how proud they are of you and your new job.

Before sitting down Sam asks Tony for drinks. “You do know that I own this place. I don’t work as a waiter. And anyway, I’m off duty now. I’ve spent all day having meetings and talking about possible events, so this is my time to relax and enjoy myself.”

“Don’t worry I’ll get them” Clint states rolling his eyes.

You actually managed to put Bucky aside from your thoughts, and were enjoying your evening. You looked at the faces sitting around the table, laughing and joking, and you couldn’t help but smile. You were so thankful to have them in your life.

“Another round?” You ask which gets a chorus of enthusiastic yeahs, making you giggle.

You head over to the bar and relay the list of drinks to the bartender. Waiting for your drinks you tap your fingers on the counter and glance around the bar. That is until your eye catches a familiar face entering the bar. Your heart drops.

“Bucky?” You muster.

“Hey,” his eyes drop to the ground and he gives a shy smile, “its been a while.”

A mixture of shock and confusion leaves you speechless, “what-what are you…doing here? I thought you were in New York?”

You search his eyes before properly taking a look at him. You then notice he’s cut his hair short, its not long like it once was. You realise you’re staring, so you avert your gaze.

There’s a long pause, and you both just stand there awkwardly.

You go to say something when he says, “I’ve missed you…and yes I am supposed to be in New York. As much as I love New York, its not home-”

“I thought you were getting engaged-“

This time Bucky is the one to interrupt, “No, well, Sharon kept saying how she wanted to get married and everyone just assumed that I would propose. She’s great but the truth is I didn’t love her, I was able to fool myself for a while but…she just wasn’t you.”

He shrugs and gives you a sad smile, “I love you Y/N… completely and utterly….”

#bucky #bucky barnes #bucky x you #bucky x y/n #bucky x reader #bucky imagine #bucky barnes imagine #james buchanan barnes #the winter soldier #the winter soldier x reader #marvel #sebastian stan #oneshot #bucky barnes one shot

[noahhernandez]

2/9/2015 v. 8/11/2020

1:Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie. My favorite movie is Scream, and it started when I saw the midnight premier of Scream 4 with my dad back when I was in 8th grade, then Scream 1 came on AMC late on night and I just really like it

I still think Scream is one of my favorites, but Halloween has jumped up there just because I am obsessed with all things horror really lol. I started to love Halloween because of the new trilogy.

2:Talk about your first kiss. It’s really not that interesting but really like embarrassing. It was with my first boyfriend and I had just turned 15 and we were at the school just walking around and we went into the band hall and I was like ok im leaving and he was like wait and we kissed and i was like o

the same ! 

3:Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for. I never really have had intense feelings for anyone. I d k

One my exes- I mean we were dating for awhile so that’s pretty intense to me. 

4:Talk about the thing you regret most so far. I regret… Nothing really I mean, I have done really bad things in my life, but i don’t regret them

I regret failing like 2 semesters of college lmao and almost dropping out. If i didn’t then I would 1- would have been done earlier and 2- would have already completed a year of grad school but IDK also another is wasting lots of money in 2017-2018

5:Talk about the best birthday you’ve had. The best birthday I’ve had was.. Idk This year was was nice I saw Iggy Azalea in concert, then I celebrated my friends’ birthday then mine and it was just everyone got to get together so ya this year my 18th

For my 21st birthday I went to Portland, Oregon and spent the weekend there and it was pretty and my first time there so it was nice despite what I think about PDX now. I don’t even know what I was doing for my 19 and 20th birthday lol. 

6:Talk about the worst birthday you’ve had. My 17th birthday because I was stuck 2 hours away from home with a bunch of nerds doing a band competition 

That is still probably my worst birthday. I forget to mention that I was gone literally from like 7am to midnight. They werent a bunch of loser nerds, they were my friends, but I still wish I was just at home lol. 

7:Talk about your biggest insecurity. I am skinny, but not fit. If I eat anything I get this like stomach and it makes me so sad. and ever since I got a job I work odd hours and I eat a lot of fast food and I’ve gained 10 pounds in 2 years and I guess i’m insecure about my weight

I am still insecure about my weight, and I probably weight like 5 pounds more than I did when I made this post 5 1/2 years ago. 

8:Talk about the thing you are most proud of. We have band banquets for band, and I only went my sophomore and junior year, and seniors give out awards to underclassmen that are just jokes really, and both years 4 different seniors gave me an award for being the biggest gossip in the entire band and I was proud of that lol

Well since then I have graduated both high school and college. I am proud that I finished college !! A BS in Psych. Proud of myself that I got promoted (in 2017) at my job; i’m proud of myself that I have my own apartment, and blah blah basically just doing regular adult shit. 

9:Talk about little things on your body that you like the most. I like my nose because of how perfectly fixed it is. I also really like my freckles/moles/dark marks idk what they are exactly, but they’re on my face and they look great

I still feel the same way about this, maybe add my eyebrows- they’re not like clean and nice they’re just expression markers on my face that i love.

10:Talk about the biggest fight you’ve ever had. I got into a fight with my old friend Angelica and that was almost 4 months ago and we used to be best friends and now we never talk.

When Janett didn’t talk to me all summer of 2019 because I told our other friend Angel something

11:Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had. I cant remember one 12:Talk about the worst dream you’ve ever had. I can’t remember one

13:Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time. The closest thing i’ve had to like sex was being locked in a back of an SUV with a stranger drunk as fuck and naked and its embarrassing

Just awkward and nothing to which I expected. 

14:Talk about a vacation. When I was 16, the high school band took a trip to Hawaii, and all my friends were in band so it was great. We did a lot of things, we toured Pearl Harbor and even played a few patriotic songs on the USS Miss. and our hotel was on Wakiki beach. I went snorkeling in some beautiful water and shit and idk just walked all around Hawaii having a great time omg we got on stage at the Hard Rock Cafe and sang with German people i miss it

Hm that was fun. But I.. went to NY with my ex and that was pretty cool because I literally love New York, and I went to NOLA two years ago (today actually) and got miserably drunk so that was fun too 

15:Talk about the time you were most content in life. Probably just in the middle of junior year when everything and everyone was going with the flow

I feel like 2016 was a very content year because I remember nothing about it. 

16:Talk about the best party you’ve ever been to. Idk which one to talk about the one where I had a lot of fun and risked my life or the one where there was a lot of drama stirred up and drank myself to sadness. 

I haven’t really been to a party? I have gone out and had good times. Really anytime my friends and I go out I am having a good time 

17:Talk about someone you want to be friends with. I am already friends with people I want to be friends with

18:Talk about something that happened in elementary school. I kissed a boy on the back of the head and i told I just fell onto his head

Let me think of another one. Back in like fourth grade my friend was in a wheel chair and his backpack was falling from the back and I was trying to grab it and i was only 3 feet tall i couldnt see over or wasnt paying attention and i crashed him right into the bookshelves at the library. 

19:Talk about something that happened in middle school. A girl was mad at me because idk why lol and she pushed me in the hall way and I fucking flew across that hall on the floor and hit the wall she’s pregnant now

When I was in 5th grade (which is considered middle school in my district) I was standing on the play ground and someone threw a stick at my head and it knocked me the fuck out and I was bleeding from my temple.

20:Talk about something that happened in high school. In Jr. Year I was pulling into the parking lot but I was texting and I accidentally put half my car on grass area near the side walk luckily it was 7am and only one person saw me do it lol

One summer going into our senior year we had a party at Michelle’s house. First of all we were very drunk and Coby’s parents were like we are coming over and we cleaned TF UP so fast and sat on the couch and turned on I Know What You Did Last Summer and his parents were like interesting and and left and then we continued to drink anyways- we started playing truth or dare and my friend Angelica was like I dare u to kiss Anthony (someone I had liked prior) and he wouldnt and we started attacking him and calling him homophobic and hitting him with pillows lmao- him and I are still friend-ish

21:Talk about a time you had to turn someone down. I can’t think of something right now.

Literally anyone on grindr.

22:Talk about your worst fear. I’m afraid of having no career and being stuck doing something I hate and living paycheck to paycheck

Yeah, I’m scared of that still but I.. think just like being broke and jobless. RN with the pandemic we aren’t really working and still getting gov’t assistance, so.  IDK being a real real adult scares me a lot. 

23:Talk about a time someone turned you down. I can’t think of a time :)

One time in like 2016 maybe idk - this dude told me to come over and he lived far like not that far maybe 25 minutes lol far for me anyways I got to his apartment and there was a gate code and i asked him what it was and he didnt answer and it was like 2-3am and nobody was coming in or out and so i was like damn this sucks lmao

24:Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot. Nothing really has meant a lot to me. Everyone tells me the same thing over and over again and its so surface level

I still can’t think of anything but I’m sure the friends I have met since this and my friends Faith, Michelle, Peter, and Alisa have said something supportive that meant a lot to me. 

25:Talk about an ex-best friend. Angelica Ramirez. She was my best friend for only 3 years, but together we went through A LOT of shit. We started out senior year just fine, but she lied about a few things and made a lot of us feel like crap in October. I won’t lie, I do miss her. We have too many memories to just forget, too many funny stories and great adventures. She helped me with too much, and sometimes I think about how I cut her out of my life and I mad a bad choice. But only time can heal things and I have moved on and truly found people that won’t make me mad every 30 seconds. 

Brianna Pajak, I don’t remember anything about her except she was poor and we stopped being friends because she always wanted to fight and be annoying. 

26:Talk about things you do when you’re sick. Lay on bed on my computer and watch TV

I normally just suffer and cry about wishing I was healthy again.

27:Talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body. Their…!!>>>??? 

I must have nice hands and ur nose must be nice too! so nose and hands. lol

28:Talk about your fetishes. none

yeah I don’t have any lol not that I can think of. 

29:Talk about what turns you on. Idk i really like kissing and touching and this is awkward. 

30:Talk about what turns you off. bad breath by

that and ugly/rough hands, acne sorry i know it is natural but, shorter than me lol, white people, long hair on guys, and thats about it i think hm i am single yes 

31:Talk about what you think death is like. I think its like idk its scary tho

um idk i dont like thinking about death because i literally want to cry when i think about it. 

32:Talk about a place you remember from your childhood. I remember being in trees a lot

My step grandma’s a lot because my parents were working and she would watch us. She passed away about a month ago :( 

33:Talk about what you do when you are sad. I usually only tell one person and that person is Alisa and I cry sometimes to her and expect her to make things better and she does thank u

I be doing the same thing, I text someone and that person could really be anyone but it happened the other day and I texted Bri and she was very helpful. 

34:Talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured. I have no idea, I’ve never broken pulled strained twisted fractures or anything i have no life

I still haven’t done any of that stuff to my body. I also have burn scars but I did not feel those when it was happening. I would just say i guess my wisdom teeth coming in because I did not get them removed. I have 3 out lol.

35:Talk about things you wish you could stop doing. Pushing potential love interests away 

I have had some ‘love interests’ since this post, but it’s been about a year now since and I kind of push away the opportunity of getting close to someone. I also need to stop being a bitch sometimes. 

36:Talk about your guilty pleasures. eating 

I would say idk eating was a stupid answer. 

37:Talk about someone you thought you were in love with. never

I was in love and i didn’t ‘think’ I was in love. I don’t know what you mean by talk about them, they were my partner but we broke up hehe.

38:Talk about songs that remind you of certain people. Fireflies by Owl City reminds me of my 7th grade crush Fancy by Iggy Azalea reminds me of my two friends Michelle and Alisa idk anything else

um Idk. i rly cant think  39:Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier. I wish I would have known that

That it’s okay to tell people you’re struggling lol . That is okay to fail sometimes (school).  40:Talk about the end of something in your life. everything is just about to start

When I ended how to get away with murder I wish I never did I love that show with all my heart. 

#personal

[fluttersheep]

4, 8, 18, 35, 79, 90 for the weird asks that say a lot, also why r u sad? x

hey sorry i was taking bunney on a little walk. and im just a little bummed because i try to make new friends so often and they always start ghosting me after a while and im a very lonely person 

but its alright, hopefully someone will be coming with me to the antique market tomorrow!

and thank you for sending these <3

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

haha, they loved me and always wrote ‘a pleasure to have in class’ on those take home reports. i was severely shy and never talked and just wanted to do the work and draw quietly at my desk lol

8. movies or tv shows?

usually tv shows unless its just a comfort movie. usually i dont have the attention to sit through a whole movie unless its one im really excited about 

18. ideal weather?

nice and chilly with enough sunshine to keep it comfortable. id like it 60 forever. i think thats 15 in celcius? 

35. average time you fall asleep?

i dont like going right to sleep after clocking out of work so usually i get into bed at midnight and fall asleep around 12:30 or 1am. i try not to be on my phone right before bed but sometimes i just want to watch some youtube and it ends up being like 2 or 3 in the morning lol

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

i dont remember what any of my school id photos really looked like, but my drivers license photo isnt horrible. its when i had my almost shoulder length hair lol

90. luckiest mistake?

oh i know ive had a lot of these instances but theyre always so small so i cant remember specifically. this isnt really a mistake but i think about it all the time and want to give some kind of answer, my first adoption attempt fell through and they eventually texted me after a few weeks saying the dog was actually available again, but by then i was in the process of adopting bunney and im so so so so glad that happened and i got bunney, who otherwise probably would have just been kept by the foster parent bc no one wanted her. im so glad i got her i love her so much shes so perfect

#michaalien

[noorengels]

reasons i am sad (friendship edition)

in year 4 my best friend invited everyone to her birthday party and not me and they all actually kept it a secret really well they almost pulled it off except she held her party in la plaza which basically is the hangout spot for families in that area i spent all my fridays there playing until midnight bc literally everyone from school would go. so i was walking home with my entire family inc grandparents and uncles and we went through la plaza and there they were! every single one of my friends at her party! apparently her mum didnt let her invite me bc apparently i hit her which i didn’t i hit another girl so her excuse is invalid and its the first time ive been so publicly excluded i cried on a bench.

in year 7 we hated this girl bc she was so fake i genuinely believe she is a psychopath like she has all the symptoms except shes in set 5 maths lol so my friend was like what if i spread a rumour about her and i was like lol do it and she did and for some reason i was blamed??? and lost all of my friends and she bullied me so hard but i didnt realise bc i was “friends” with her bc our mums were friends so shed like walk with me to lessons and talk to me while belittleing me and idk she was just a fucking bitch she made me feel so horrible like it was emotional bullying but also like telling everyone who i liked and saying lmao you literally have no friends “count how many friends you have? omg you literally cant even reach ten can you???” like in front of everyone but then shed also be really nice to me at the same time like idk it was like she was my friend but she bullied me it was so horrible saffa i hate you and the original friend who spread the rumour went on to become her best friend for like 6 years so uh hate that

managed to make friends with people not in my class in year 8! which sucked bc saffa had alienated people in my class so now they all just didnt like me i was the weird girl with no friends because of her and it was so horrible bc id always be forced to join the ready made groups between friends by the teacher  bc i didnt have a group to work with or id get paired with the weird girl like i was only the weird girl after saffa made everyone hate me this girl was weird bc she just is idk 

in year 10 they made a gc without me! i basically created that group tho like i gathered these friends i hade made in different lessons (obviously not in my main class lol) and they literally just??? decided to exclude me for no reason. and then theyd talk about what they talked about in the gc in front of me like “omg remember last night on the gc” isha ur so fucking boring no normal person talks about their gc with the same people again do u have no other conversational points smh

in year 11 it got so bad to the point where once i sat with them and they all just left! like they took their stuff and moved to the table behind me i wanted to cry so bad i did at home i think its the worst one out of all of these because it happened to my face? idk saffa was horrible too but this was just “were leaving” idk like ive never felt as horrible as i did in that moment i cant even describe how im feeling rn reliving it

its okay bc i made friends with my best friend from sciences + history bc our surnames are next to each other so we always sat together! i honestly clung to this girl after that bc i refused to spend a second longer with that other group after 3 years of enduring not even being liked by ur friends so i made friends with her friends which was easy bc yes! 

so by the first term of year 12 i had three friends! in fact one of them was like ur not having a birthday party??? im taking u out to eat so my first birthday event thing in literally years was all thanks to arun i am honestly so grateful for him he didnt even go bc he was busy and we planned it the day before my birthday but it was literally me and two friends eating pizza at zizzis and im crying so much rn but year 12 was when i found people who genuinely cared about me

we established a group of like 8 lol and were planning a holiday for the end of year 13! very skam of us! we had a gc and everything! we were gonna go to spain bc im spanish so i could speak!

this trip was unspoken of in year 13 and i was like lol kinda weird um okay but nope nothing weird about it they just created a chat without me and were still going to spain!!! one of them even sent me screenshots of their airbnb to translate its like u want me to know lol

i did complain to one of them but thats it i was just hurt on my own and coronavirus happened so it got cancelled anyways so i won really

in yr 13 i also got closer to this boy called adam! i remember my friend was like you two would get on so well idk why ur not friends and i was like idk its adam lol do i really want to and yes i did bc he is in fact the isak to my sana! but anyways i hate him but i love him we have that kinda friendship where were alwAYS trying to beat the other one up and honestly the most heart felt goodbye when schools shut was between us both bc at first we were fighting and then he just stopped and his eyes softened and i was like whats wrong with you why arent u punching me and he went come here and we hugged and its like wow despite being a dick ill miss you

anyways so uhhh quarantine we skyped often it was fun and then restrictions were lifted i went to spain and the second i land they all stop talking in the gc????? like im abroad not dead why are u creating a new one??? this gc was agressively spammed so i know for a fact theres another im not stupid

i come back from spain and theyre like can we meet!!! we meet three weeks later and theyr like i missed u so much im so happy uou came i love you and it felt really genuine like they genuinely missed me

two days later i find out through snapchat theyve all gone on holiday together!!!!!!!!!!!!! all of them and just ofc didnt invite me they went to the beach for two days and kept posting about it and im so bitter about it like bro???????? why so secretive????? like i cried so much when i saw bc they still just idk why does every single friendgroup ive ever been in exclude me like i must be the problem theres no other explanation for it i am not the kind of person people want to have around i am so funny but im a bitch and will come for ur ass because i have the inability to lie i have no filter either which i know makes them dislike me i know it does but thats the price you oay for being my friend i just say things as it is becauxe i hate secrets bc secrets are always about excluding me so i rather be honest and upfront but that clearly puts people off bc im too upfront and im not getting a personality transplant im not tryna be boring but im so sick of always being the one on her own

adam was relevant uh hews my only friend rn he checked up on me the other day so cheers adam for making sure im not completely isolated

the funny thing is that all my friends hate adam bc “hes a dick” hes not he just says things how it is were so similar so if they hate adam they hate me and im over being hated lol bye!

i start uni next week and i clearly have no social skills so im not gonna make friends im so scared of being lonely i hate being left out

this went from sad to full on angry like i was crying at some point and now im fuming like im so hot rn my blood pressure isnt doing okay

#my manifesto #sua: extreme #venting #xoxo #no ones had more friendship drama than me i refuse to believe it #this is 1526 words long #shut up ali

[shenanigans-academia]

End of Season 3

Last one! Then I’ll shut up until October

Episode 51: Moving Into Dorms

•”I won’t make you worry, Mom” Izuku don’t life to your mother like that

•”She reminds me of my predecessor”

“What why?”

“It’s the hairstyle” All Might asbsjienb

•I LOVE THESE KIDS SO DAMN MUCH

•I genuinely just want like a spin off of the kids in the dorms. Like them just being super powered teenagers living together and being KIDS like. Please. Living with all your friends with powers? What could go wrong...? Think of the shenanigans

•Aizawa laying down the hammer wow

•I. Love. Kaminari. Jirou leave him alone

•BAKUGO AND KIRISHIMA I LOVE THEM OKAY

•Kirishima is Best Boi

•Uraraka falling over from shock the entire time and Iida freaking out is so cute

•MIDORIYA’S ROOM IM CRYING

•Tokoyami’s is badass leave him be he tried so hard

•Mineta no

•Leave Ojiro alone he’s comfortable

•Kaminari’s room is literally any teenage boy room. I knew at least 4 guys who had a room almost exactly like that lmao

•I FORGOT KODA HAD A BUNNY

•The girls are outnumbered. Hate when Mineta’s right

•Bakugo is such an old man he’s already asleep I love a sleepy sad Boi

•Mineta:”I knew I’d get in trouble if just I suggested seeing the girls dorms now I have people to back me up!”

Todoroki:”I’m over it”

•Honestly Kirishima’s isn’t that bad y’all are just mean (except you Uraraka you get it)

•”If I found out my boyfriend had a room like this I’d dump him” HAGAKURE WHAT THE HECK

•Shouji... honey. Your bed isn’t even made. And they thought Ojiro’s was plain

•Okay Sero’s is cool “yup that’s me, always the wild card” god I love you

•Todoroki’s is so cozy

•Sato is so. Sweet lmao we need more of him

•Jirou is so punk I LOVE HER

•Hagakure. So. Pink

•Mina. So. Hot Pink

•Ojiro is so polite he’s so good

•I need Momo’s bed

•LMAO SERO WRAPPED UP MINETA WHEN HE WAS BEING PERVY WE LOVE TAPE BOY

•YEAH SATO WON

•Intervention time

•Tsuyu is so pure she deserves so much

•YALL MADE TSUYU CRY IMMA FIGHT

•KIRISHIMA APOLOGIZING AND SAYING HE WONT MAKE HER SAD AGAIN WARMS MY HEART they’re all so pure

Episode 52: Create Those Ultimate Moves

•Mido forgetting he was in the dorm is kinda cute he’s like wait this isn’t my room at home

•”That’s 2 questions. Calm down” Iida it’s too early for this and Aizawa is a tired man

•Everyone’s so intense. Then Mido is just like...I can’t move my arms what the fuck do you want from me

•”How can I fight with these damaged arms?” Well everybody told you NOT to break your bones, Deku

•ALL MIGHT HAVING A TEACHING FOR DUMMIES BOOK IM CRYING

•Lmao they just blew up Midoriya

•Nobody:

Mido and Uraraka: BOOOOOOBS

•”I’m Tenya Iida, the man you tricked into to being a walking billboard for you at the Sports Festival!”

“NEVER HEARD OF YA” Hatsume has no chill

•Hatsume doesn’t know personal space lmao

•”My quirk is in my legs you mad woman” Iida is done

•AND MIDORIYA JUST REALIZED HE HAD LEGS LMAO

•Mido is so soft for his mom’s costume I love it

•Bakugo is literally trying to kill somebody

•”If I’m so worried about using my arms then I’m use my LEGS” what happens when you break your legs again honey THINK

Episode 53: The Test

•Gotta protect those stupid red shoes

•I live for Kami’s choker. But Kiri you added sleeves. But still. No. Shirt. Honey

•Tsuyu’s hair up is *chef’s kiss*

•The girls talking about boys like regular teenagers I love it

•”ITS A BOY ISN’T IT IS IT MIDORIYA OR IIDA YOURE ALWAYS HANGING OUT WITH THEM WHICH ONE IS IT” Minaaaaaaa lmao she doesn’t mess around

•Cue Uraraka watching Deku lmao “it’s not it” SWEETIE YES IT IISSSSSSS

•Inasa is Iida x1000 and with WAY too much caffeine

•Erasure is too emo for love lmao

•”Think about it Erasure, if I was your wife your future would be a life of constant laughter”

“That sounds like a legitimate nightmare” god I love this grumpy man

•I do love Joke and Aizawa’s “friendship” if you want to call it that lmao

•IT’S DEKUS TWIN

•”This charming pretty boy is going to steal our girls” You’re right Kaminari he is

•”Please date me”

“Shut up” I’m both Ms. Joke and Aizawa

•Aizawa has so much faith in his class he’s like I’m not worried about my little shits just watch

Episode 53: Shiketsu High Lurking

•JIROOUUUUUUU

•”PROTECT THIS PERV” Mina is my favorite 1A girl I’m not sorry

•Shindo is slutty Deku and I love him

•I am the commentator wow

•”I don’t know why but I’m actually getting pretty excited about this” of course you are Midoriya you big quirk nerd

•”In order to help others you have to be able to take care of yourself” DEKU SAID SELF CARE

•”Midoriya what is this enviable situation you fight yourself in” Serooooo why

•We’re gettin some good Sero content thank god

•Lmao there’s a ninja school

Episode 55: Class 1A

•Todoroki is. As you say. A Badass

•Inasa:”Wait what were we talking about!?”

Poor Random Kid:”I don’t know. You just came up and started talking...”

•This is literally Anime Hunger Games

•Shouji holding Tsuyu is. So pure

•SHOUJI YELPING AND TURNING AROUND WHEN MOMO OPENS HER SHIRT TO USE HER QUIRK HES SUCH A GOOD RESPECTFUL BOY

•The power group we don’t deserve: Momo, Jirou, Tsuyu, and Shouji

•KAMI AND KIRI FOLLOWING BAKUGO MAKES ME SO HAPPY they love to annoy him and it works but they work so well together love Bakusquad

•GOOEY KIRI IS GROSS LMAO

•Aizawa basically saying Mido and Bakugo are the leaders who help the class work better the most and that he’s honored to teach them is PEAK

Episode 56: RUSH!

•Sooo Shindo’s a sneaky bastard I see

•”THIS IS WHY EVERYONES TERRIFIED OF YOU YOU’RE WAY TOO HARDCORE” Kaminari’s right and he should say it

•I need more Baku and Kami interactions tbh

•”Those ugly ass gauntlets of his” love sassy Kami

•DEFEND BAKUGO SQUAD IS AIZAWA/KAMI AND KIRI YES I LOVE MY BOYS

•Oof Mido takes no prisoners

•It does suck that if you don’t pass the Provisional License exam do you just never get your Hero License? Do you only get a set amount of times you can take it?

•Iida has grown so much

•Bakugo knows your secrettttt

•Jirou says fuck Kaminari lives lmao

•GO CLASS 1A ALL OUR KIDS MADE IT

•Aizawa shut up you big softie lmao

Episode 57: Rescue Exercises

•Sero why are you starting shit lmao

•Kirishima and Kaminari following Bakugo just because they want to is my favorite

•Momo stopping Uraraka from acting too quickly is great leadership skills. All these kids have what to takes to be heroes they work so well together and in situations like these I love these kids so much

•Shouji and Mineta are a good team because Shouji keeps Mineta in line and I appreciate it

•The fake bystanders are hilarious

Episode 58: Special Episode: Save The World With Love!

•All Might and David Shield (GAY)

•Bakugo why are you like this

•Midoriya is a giant softie romantic and I fucking love it

•All Might as a villain is just funny he gets so into the roll but he’s also just a bad actor lmao

•Mic needs to tone it down but he’s so funny

•I like Cementos a lot and Midnight is an A1 actress go her

•All Might running away and shattering the kids idea of love is so fucKING FUNNY LMAO

•Nice way to set up the movie

•UNLCE MIGHT

•GAY

•The timeline of this episode is throwing me off tho since this is before Midoriya moves into the dorms

•DadMight and Deku family vacation SO CUTE

•”You are the real heroes” THEY’RE SO PURE HOLY SHIT

Episode 59: What’s the Big Idea?

•Bakugo you need to calm down babe

•Gang Orca came to play damn

•Todoroki and Inasa are so chaotic together oh my god

•Gang Orca is just like what is up with these damn kids

•”It was a shock to meet your father because when I looked into his eyes the only thing I could see was an insatiable anger aimed at the entire world” imagine being raised/trying to live with that hatred, Inasa

•Lmao Todoroki triggered Inasa into not coming to UA. Endeavor loves ruining kids lives doesn’t he

•TELL EM OFF MIDO

•Inasa is so. Weird

•”Why didn’t I remember him? He’s so loud and obnoxious” You were so blinded by hate for your father that you were literally blind to other people in your way sweetie

•LMAO JUST CHOKE A CHILD THEY’LL GROW STRONGER

•Highkey love Shindo ngl

•Team Work Boys come on

•Ojiro my fuckin BOYYYY

•OHHH TSUYU THATS MY GIRL WE LOVE POWER MOVES

•Love Hair Dude

•Gang Orca’s actually impressed wow

Episode 60: A Talk About Your Quirk

•Mido passed yesss All Might Jr lol

•Bakugo and Todoroki. Whomp whomp

•B:”Let me see it [review of the exam]”

Kiri:”Ahh how about you worry about yourself”

Kiri’s like please don’t kill me

•Sero:”Hey looks like I’m pretty great at this” I love you Tape Boy

•I love how Iida just picks Mineta up by his cheeks and takes him away from people when he’s being too much lmao Dad Mode Activated

•Inasa and Todo are such an interesting dynamic. I haven’t read the manga but I know the make up exam happened recently and their interactions always make me laugh

•Kinda forgot about Toga but there were hints that it was her the whole time so it’ll be cool to actually meet Camie later on

•Holding his Prov. Hero License:”I have to show my mom and All Might right away” Izuku I love you precious boy

•oh my god One For All shut the fuck UP

•”I won’t be dying any time soon. Especially not by Shigaraki’s hand” if that is foreshaDOWING IM GONNA CRY IT BETTER NOT BE HIROKOSHI

•”We’re gonna have a talk about your quirk” I’m ready to CRY

•Kiri sleeping is so cute I love his hair down. And Iida sleeps stiff as a board I’m laughing reminds me of a friend of mine

•Bakugo please just. Breathe

Episode 61: Deku VS. Kacchan, Part 2

•MY FAVORITE EPISODE YALL

•Kacchan Hon, Deku doesn’t live just to get in your way in life believe or not

•Bakugo DEFINITELY kinda planned on killing Midoriya AHH

•”Why hurt each other when we could just talk things out?”

Bakugo tries to blow him up instead

•The flashbacks are killing me they were so small

•Bakugo’s voice cracking while talking about his anguish and self blame? That shit HURTED

•When he yells like this he looks like a feral wolf oh my god Kacchan

•Kacchan needs a hug. Too bad he doesn’t understand being comforted by other people. So instead Izuku KICKS HIM IN THE FUCKING HEAD WHAT THE FUCK

•Feral Bakugo has been Leveled Up

•”Our relationship to one another is completely screwed up” Oh really Mido what made you think that

•These kids wanna fuckin die

•”It’s obvious you’ve always looked down on me even when we were kids” Bakugo you are a BIG DUMB BLIND BOOMY BOY

•Okay but the animation tho???

•”All Might was my hero but you were the one ACTUALLY IN MY LIFE” WHEN I SAY I SOBBED

•When Bakugo’s crouched and ready to strike, Me:”MA THERES A WEIRD FUCKING CAT OUTSIDE”

•A wild Gremlin is loose Aizawa and All Might come get your kids

•FUCKIN KO BOI

•lmao whoops never mind

•my favorite MHA ship? Bakugou and Therapy

•ALL MIGHT YOU LITERALY JUST WATCHED THEM PUMMEL THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER BRUH

•Bakugo blaming himself for All Might’s retirement? Kill me

•”Sometimes I forget that you’re children” apparently everybody does THEY’RE 15/16!!!

•”Don’t you dare lose again” you are. So confusing

•Baku’s little exhale tho he had so much weight on his shoulders this poor boy

•”If this secret ever got out, people will wonder where the power went. You idiot why did you tell me about it before” Deku’s like I can’t win with him lmao

•THEY’RE PROPER RIVALS NOW I LOVE 2 IDIOT CHILDREN

•Aizawa with his hair in a ponytail and black V neck tho? Oof when I say I love a man...

•Aizawa is done with this class and these 2 problem children in particular lmao

Episode 62: A Season For Encounters

•My boy Twice

•”Your face makes me want to puke” you get used to it rando villain dude...or noT DABI NO

•Dabi. Babe. Bruh. What the fuck

•Twice and Ectoplasm have similar quirks...TODOROKI WHERE ARE YOU

•Overhaul. I’m gonna hate you so much I can tell. Especially for Season 4 I KNOW YOU you creepy Plague Doctor Asshole

•Kirishima trying to comfort Todoroki is adorable

•MONOMA WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS LEAVE PONY GIRL ALONE DON’T DRAG HER INTO YOUR BULLSHIT LMAO

•SHINSOUUUUUU “looks like he’s bulked up a bit since the Sports Festival” my boy gettin BUFF since he knows Midoriya could’ve killed him if he wanted to lmao

•Kami playing with Ojiro’s tail gives me life

•...You ain’t nothin but a Hound Dog Lmao

•BIG THREE. BIG THREE. BIG. THREE. MIRIOOOOOOO

•God I love Present Mic

•Sero and Mineta are asking to die I swear

•IIDA CALLING MIDO “HOUSE ARREST” AND DOING A FUNNY VOICE IM CRYING I love sassy Iida where has he been

•The first time I saw the scene of Mirio sticking his head through stuff to scare Mido was on Tumblr before I watched MHA and I was CACKLING AND CONFUSED

•The broccoli head was strong in that frame

•THE. BIG. THREE. AHHHH

Episode 63: Unrivaled

•Sometimes I forget how fucking gross Mineta is. Then he opens his mouth and it all comes flooding back

•”He didn’t do that great a job at the Sports Festival last year. Definitely left a strong impression” being buck ass naked will do that lmao

•I relate to Amajiki Tamaki so. Fuckin. Much. I feel you sweetheart

•LET! SHOUJI! TALK!

•Kaminari you dumb

•”The futures gonna be!?... Awful” Wow. Mirio gets it

•Tamaki if you could get off the wall you could do what Mirio’s trying to teach these kids I love an anxious boy

•Big Tough Boi Kiri is both badass and soft I love a Rock

•Aaaannd Mirio traumatized a bunch of kids with his dick. Mostly Jirou lol

•Aizawa your whole class was just murdered by a wild naked man

•Mirio has a baby face TinTin but is fucking JACKED

•”I tried to make it so that you didn’t see my willy. Sorry if you did” Mirio you’re so cute I’m going to bawl in Season 4 I’m not ready

•Mirio walks so funny

•...who the fuck is Sir???

•Kiri bringing Baku his trash: “Sure I’ll take it!”

Anybody else bringing Baku their trash:some kind of aggressive phrase

•Oh, you. I heard about you. I know what happens to you... this is gonna hurt, huh?

Whelp that’s the end of my rewatch. I can’t wait for Season 4! Is it October yet???

#mha rewatch #mha #my hero academia #bnha #boku no hero academia #long post #part 6 #spoilers #i cant wait for season 4 #...i thinn im homna read the manga #...and i might rewatch the movie and do another post like this #we’ll see

[smireyac]

fuck this year man u dont even get cute emojis in the title this time

so lemme just start by saying fuck 2020 

now that we’re on the same page, lets get into it

so i dont have to explain all the reasons why this year sucked bc u just need to google 2020 and there will be a million reasons why it was TOTAL FUCKING GARBAGE...... usually when so many people collectively say a year sucked ass, i can be like “oh it wasnt *all* bad for me, personally” haha not this year!!! 

its super fucking depressing to look at how hopeful and positive i was about 2020 a year ago..... ofc there was no way for me to have known it would all go to shit but i still really appreciate the tone i had set... reading over the previous reflections and seeing how harsh and negative i was @ myself made the softness of last years post super refreshing.... 

now i said i dont *have* to explain all the ways 2020 was shitty, but i am gonna explain the biggest reason this year was shitty for me, personally..... it might seem really small in comparison to the ways 2020 was shitty as a whole on like a global scale? but really the biggest reason 2020 sucked ass was i didnt get to really hang out with any of my friends in real life for 9 out of the 12 months of the year.... and really it was like the first week of march that shit hit the fan so like really it was only 2 months that we got to see each other....... if u rmbr p much every previous retrospective post ive made, there was a big emphasis on friends..... ive come to realize that im actually a very *extra*verted person??? despite my overall shyness and homebody attitude, i would always choose to hang out with people over being alone so stay-at-home orders FUCKING SUCKED??? when we all thought it would be over in a couple weeks, maybe a month it was fine?? hey its a good time to draw or catch up on that reading and/or writing i said i was gonna do maybe even start learning to drive?? it’ll be no big deal THEN it wasn’t over in a month and it wasnt gonna BE over anytime soon and no one important was doing anything about it and its an election year and black lives have always mattered and yet everything is so uncertain and

[inhale]

[exhale]

this year was..... a lot...... too much in fact

in 2018, i had said that i watched vox’s video on the year in 5 mins and cried... if i watched this year in five minutes, i dont think i would be able to breathe...... 

SO instead of making myself CRY..... lets try to think about any GOOD things that happened and think about what we can do to make 2021 good for ourselves:

GOOD THINGS THAT HAPPENED:

-i *didn’t* lose my job!! sad that so many others cannot say the same but im trying to make myself feel *better* not WORSE so i got to keep my job and i actually work more hours than before so!!

-i actually *did* learn to drive this year!!!! and im pretty good at it??? for someone that just started this year anyway?? i probably *would* have my DRIVER’S LICENSE right now if it weren’t for a surge in cases in a certain STATE that i happen to live in......... but w/e its fine i get more time to practice and im ~~**DEFINITELY**~~ going pass my test and get my license ~whenever it is that i can reschedule my dmv appt~

lmfao its so funny that last year, i was absolutely *dreading* learning to drive but i so fucking get why everyone was like ‘you need to learn how to drive’ i legit love it so much???? ive always been a car person but that was like purely for the aesthetic but now that i can drive im just....... WOOOW this really is what freedom feels like.... like ik that public transportation is amazing and i will always champion it but nothing beats being purely in control of your destination.... i also wanted to buy myself a car for my birthday even tho i couldnt really drive yet but then sien had to fix smthg on her car and it was EXPENSIVE AF and my mom was like “u dont need to buy a car yet” so i put the brakes [haha] on that... but soon... once i get my license,,, then i will have u my love................. so with that being “my most serious goal of 2020″ im glad i did it

-i was one of lucky ones and got unemployment when i couldn’t work so i have a lot of money saved in the bank??? pls no one steal my identity i wanna use that money to buy myself a car and/or for when we move out 🤞🤞 we’ll just have to wait and seeeeee....................

-i had mentioned playing dnd last year too and thats been going STRONG as hell thank goodness....... we couldnt keep playing in person but when we moved it to online, not only did we actually get to hang out a lot more, we made more friends??? introduced new people to the group?? its so good and in fact probably the only thing that kept me even a little bit sane this year...... 

-this is more of an honorable mention than an accomplishment but im this 🤏close to catching up with critical role and thats partially thanks to the pandemic lmao sooooo ??? 

aaaaaaand thats p much it lol i didnt really accomplish any of my other goals bc reasons................. but!!! as cliche as it sounds, with a light at the end of the tunnel, im confident that i can turn that all around this year.... so if 2016 was the year of change, 2017 was the year of getting used to shit, 2018 was the year of getting *too* used to shit and 2019 ended up being the year of friends, 2020 was the year of absolute shit and it doesn’t fucking count....... i learned a lot this year, biggest lesson of all is that life is short and if i were to have died at any point last year, what the fuck would i have to show for it??? so usually i end up giving a theme or name to a year after its done but this time im determined to make 2021 into what i want it to be SO i am declaring this year, the year of our lord 2021, the year of new experiences!!!! what the fuck does that mean you ask? well ill tell you!!! im gonna try new things this year!! make a very pointed effort to do things outside my comfort zone?? and for my goals this year, im going back to my old way of making a huge list of stuff u wanna do and seeing how much i can actuallly accomplish!! now i said theres a light but we really dont know when all this shit will end and life will go “bAcK tO nOrMaL” so whos to say ill get to accomplish any of it? at the same time, there are plenty of stuff on the list that i can do within the pandemic set parameters so!! lets see this list!!

2021 GOALS:

[check boxes bc there is no plain box emoji lmao]

☑️ read new books!! i’ll keep last years goal bc i didnt meet it and i have good reads now which tells me i just need to read 1.5 books a month to reach that goal!! huzzah!

☑️ watch new shows and new movies b4 u end up watching shit you’ve already seen a million times... i bought an old planner for 2020 instead of 2021 by accident but i hope it will help keep track of the movies/shows along with the books too!

☑️ listen to new music!! this years spotify wrapped was garbo it only had like 3 albums and a bunch of other shit i always listen to so i gotta fix that lmfao

☑️ write new stories!! i am comforted by the shit ive been writing for the past like 7 years but if my screenplay class taught me anything its that there are a lot of stories to tell and i got so many ideas floating around in this noggin!! instead of an arbitrary word count, why dont i say write idk 3 new stories, start to finish, in whatever medium idc screenplay, short story, comic, twine WHATEVER!! do it!

☑️ eat new food!! lmao this one seems the most silly to me but ive never had indian food, ive never had [not really anyway] korean food, i want to find new restaurants and eat new food!!! yum!

☑️ go on a road trip!!

☑️ visit some place ive never been before!!

☑️ go on a hike??

☑️ go to mexico again

☑️ ride a scary rollercoaster you previously wouldnt have

☑️ go to a club

☑️ get silly drunk fr 

☑️ FUCK IT go on dates!! self date friend dates sister date cousin dates R- Romantic... dates ??? FUCK IT!!! YEAH!! DATE ALL UP IN THIS BITCH!!

☑️ learn to use blender

☑️ animate something 

☑️ make a big painting

☑️ cosplay ???? AHH

☑️ learn to roller skate lmao u bought the skates and were so excited for them!! 

☑️ go somewhere SUPER DARK and go see some real stars!!!! 

☑️ and to top it all off, throw the airbnb house party that we’ve been talking about for MONTHS lmao 

hmmmm,, i think thats a good enough list for now ?? another thing i wanted to accomplish.... that im scared to speak into existence bc then i cant back out of doing it...........and it doesnt align with the whole “new” spirit of 2021 but.......... i want to like start making apartments for rent????? like i want to have something of it to show by, if not the 8th anniversary then by the end of the year HHUFF THERE I SAID IT......... no turning back now.......... 

alright its almost midnight on.... whats this? its already jan. 1st??? lmao yeah fuck it i didnt keep up with anything i normally did this year who cares i made up the rules i can break them too lol  

so yeah 

we’ll see what this year brings us,,,,

hoo boy

#omg i talk #happy new year

[zzpopzz]

Really long rant about how I made Vanilla Twilight, I typed it at 2am so it’s kinda crappy and boring, just skip through this post.

So I'd been thinking about it for a long time now, even before finishing Vanilla Twilight that I'd talk about it if someone asked, well that never happened so I was just thinking that I'd let it go but that post is so important to me so well fuck it I'll just talk about it anyway. I did it completely on a wimp like how cool would it be if I make a lyricstuck for Toumaki like I'd be the first (if anyone did this before me im sorry). The first song I intended to do wasn't VT, it was a much shorter and easier song. I saw the music video first time after a while and the lyrics gave me some scenes to draw right away, like the tones, the atmosphere, the lyrics all fit them very well, made me wanted to draw something happy but sad. The ending for it was a happy one instead of a sad one like other songs I did (I didn't post the ending for any of them, just let the viewers decide what it's gonna be) I was very scared like what if it won't turn out ok and people gonna hate me for it or no one even gonna look at it. Also what I visualized are mostly illustrations with backgrounds, what I never done before so high chance it won't go anywhere. I thought well let's just see how far will I get and won't talk about it at all until I post it so at least I won't be all barks no bite. I was very traumatized that someone might know about what I did so I locked all the files when I shut down my PC in case someone hack into it lmao. I started with making a storyboard(kinda) for it, this is where I first got trouble because there was some part I didn't think of when I visualized what I'd draw at first ( 'I don't feel so alone' part mostly and some in between) and it's only at this point that I realized how many I'd have to draw (over 40 images total) and it's mind blowing for someone who rarely finish a painting like me at that time, that number is more than what I'd draw in a year. VT doesn't have choruses that meant I can't do tricks like repeat some panels (I don't like this anyway). I usually painted on small canvas before that but I wanna make sure I can fix things later and some idea I had was pretty big so I used 3000x5000px canvas then trimmed them down ( I didn't know how big it was and it's huge). The idea was to make a tumblr scroll-post like a lyricstuck (my favorites are by paperseverywhere and toastyhat/emptyfeet , they made really cool tutorials about these) so I tried to drew out compositions that would look good scrolling down panel by panel and have some connections between them (this didn't turn out so good in the end because I wasn't good lol) Since I was scared that people might point out that I draw something wrong, it took me almost a week or something searching for references (check my pinterest board) like the streets, sky, houses, roads, outfits, poses,... I was going to draw. I got some knowledge about bikes by this too, like I can tell the differences between road bike, mtb, touring bikes,... I also see and captured bunches of screenshots and reread ywpd trivia countless time to make sure I won't get anything wrong. If you take notice, every outfit Toumaki wear in there are all canon, from anime or promos. The first few panels was really exciting because I had never painted so many with backgrounds before, I was really happy when I almost finished the first verse even compared to the full 3:50 of the song it was only 20 seconds and I thought maybe I can pull this after all. The last panel was intended to be Makichan standing infront of his house looking at the sky but I wanted to show the sky at the end of the panel and that wouldn't work on scroll-down post so I had to leave it for later, I repainted this panel for about 3 times and finished it just 30' before posting. The first panel of the second verse wasn't turning out alright too because that was my first time doing a 3 points perspective drawing and the colors didn't turn out as I wanted either (my intention was a green/gold dawn scene). Things kinda worked well despite that until the scene when Toudou sits in his ink, gdi I didn't know why I was so caught up in that and painted every piece of that wooden floor, it took me almost a week but turned out better than I expected so I was ok with it. I was going to make sketchy paintings for all of the panel but I did too much details on that one so it gave me the impression that I'll have to do just as much for every others. Now I still had school to go and that semester my uni got me pretty crappy schedule that made me have to wait for classes at school frequently, I was frustrated because I didn't get to paint during that time and I might finish it too late (even though I didn't set a deadline) and when I got home I just spent so much time checking twitter and just can't pick myself up to draw and ended up feeling shitty about it. *Side story*  I was so mad because I didn't get anything done and there's still more than half of the whole thing to do and the worst part is that I had no one that I can talk to because I didn't have any friend who ship Toumaki and I also don't want to publicly talk about what I was doing, I wanted to surprise people when I'm done, I didn't wanna give people the expectation then screw it up (I literally thought I'd drop a bomb not a grenade lmao) I can't remember how long was that shitty phase but I felt like it was so long, I barely finished verse 2 at that point. I was so mad at myself and my progress so I spent a few days to look at time management threads and this helped a lot, I changed my habits completely  by this and I still apply those methods now, like I used to stay up til 3am to read fics (bless you writers you fueled me with your writings bless you all) then I switch to bed before 12 and get up early for a good start or reduce working time while increasing quality* After that I kinda got things together,I just went ahead with painting tho it's still kinda tiring, I had to work on 5 essays during this time too. At this point I was like screw all, I give no shit about what everyone thinks I'm just gonna finish this and get some good nap (I practiced power nap to get more focus time for painting but dude everyone wants a good long nap) 10 days before uploading I found out that there's a Toumaki day (I'm so sorry), I was going to posted on the first sunday of June (I did researched on which was the best time to post on social medias so I randomly picked a sunday) and Toumaki day is the last sunday of May, that meant I had 10 days left and 15 panels to paint! I was going to ignore that but I already made it big I should make it right too so I shit my pants going through those last panels. I purposely hiding Toudou's face till the last verse to emphasize the feelz and got so relieved that I finally got to paint him (I read some tags that some viewers got emotional at this part so I'm so glad it worked). The whole things was put under Makichan's perspective so I was so sick of painting him at that point, he showed up in every panel and I can't paint him ugly because he's beautiful (especially his hair, I spent shitload of time painting them). I can talk lots about why I picked to do so but that's headcanon shit and it's embarrassing so let's just skip that. The last day I had only 3 panels left and I was hell confident that I've got this and somehow spent the whole evening rewatch Toumaki pingpong ep (end me). Of course that didn't end well, I managed to finish those by midnight but I still had like 3 panels that needed  repaint completely and all 43 needed retouch and edits. My plan was to post at 9am sunday (thats 9pm saturday est) so I had to get up at 5am and finish all that, I ended up cutting down 2 panels and simplified the instrumental panel (some tags said that was nice so I was at least relieved). Unlike other songs I did, the length of every line's quite different and the original sizes I did would make viewers have to scroll slower or faster at different parts. I didn't plan this beforehand and had to trim down some panels even the parts that I really liked and spent lots of time on. I also found out that people outside the homestuck fandom might not familiar with this type of post so I made a video too (I’m sorry I have zero skill in editing). After posting I was terrified of people's reactions or worse, there won't be any reaction so I turned everything off and went to sleep and woke up with an unimaginable number of notes I'd got, I set the target of 500 notes and I really didn't think that I'd get past that number like maybe 2-300 (well my other songs didnt even get 200), at the end I got 5000. I spent the next week reading and screencap tags given in reblogs, I put them on desktop and they're still my motivation til now. Vanilla Twilight is the thing I'm proud of the most even until now, when I've done other songs and projects that look somewhat better. If I have to recommend one thing on my blog I'd recommend it despite its' unskilled paneling, poor composition and muddy colors. It was the first time in my life that I'd put so much effort into something and went through such emotional roller coaster, the feelings I put into it was raw and the idea was very original compared to other songs, I improved and changed a lot during the 2 months I spent on it and never once regret doing it. ***Anyway, you sure have much free time to read it this far, here's a little game for you: I put random things in VT and HF like some characters/stuff from other series, my ocs,... (there wasn't anything purposeless in there even the logo on their cups or the bags they wear) just send me anything you find and I'll draw you something in return**

#toumaki #tweetdump #rant #poopask

[ollie-otter1]

LAST

1) Drink: Water ofc

2) Phone call: Idk it must have been like years ago I actually made a call, texting am I right

3) Text message: To my boi Joshua Smailes <3

4) Song listened to: Elvis isn’t dead jfc thats like the best song to ever exist 

5) Time you cried: Like 20 mins ago when I saw my cat for the first time after two days

HAVE YOU EVER

6) Dated somebody twice: Not even once, yay

7) Been cheated on: Pretty hard to when ur single all the time

8) Kissed someone and regretted it: My cats breath was pretty bad that time

9) Lost someone special: Great grandparents

10) depressed: Seasonal depression oh boy

11) Gotten drunk and puked: I don’t throw up rly when drunk I just fall asleep unless im doing more shots

Fave 3 colours:

12) Black

13) White

14) Like some sort of nice purple thats almost black and starts arguments because you cant tell if its purple or black

IN THE LAST YEAR YOU HAVE YOU

15) Made new friends: Well like 2 is more than 1 yay

16) Fallen out of love: Well I’m over that 4ish year crush on this straight guy (finnaly) so yeah

17) Laughed until you cried: Like all the time tbh

18) Found out someone was gossiping about you: No I’m friends with ppl who can actually keep secrets so if it happens (probs all the time because they hate me) I would never find out

19) Met someone who changed your life: Literally everyone, I could have just met you and would change my life course to live together in alaska or some gay shit

20) Found out who your true friends are: Well I got my Bro AARON and my Boi JOSH ayyyyyy

21) Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Lmao who would want this tho

(no btw)

MUCH

22) Facebook friends: 210 but I accept everyone so I only talk to like 3 tops

23) Pets: I had a dog that my shitty stepdad stole, A cat that ran away but will totally come back I love you Booth pls do, and another cat that stays loyal unlike my other cat

24) Want to change your name: Like the idea but wouldnt like the change tbh

WHAT

25) Did I get for my birthday: Money for driving lessons and that was literally it and I hate driving kill me

26) Time I woke up: 6:50 because the straight guys in the dorm I was in wouldnt shut the fuck up omg I hate u if ur reading this 

27) Were you doing at midnight: Trying to sleep buy ayy these straight boys kys

28) Can’t you wait for: A relationship (im so lonely)

29) Was the last time you saw your mom: Like 10 seconds ago

30) Was something you wish you could change about your life: The fact im retarded, have no social skills and spend all my free time staring at walls as I descend into my depression instead of preparing for uni

31) Are you listening to right now: Dan and Phil... yeah

32) Gets on your nerves: TWO FUCKING THINGS OMG LITERALLY KYS IF YOU DO THESE (Dont actually unless ur a cunt) CHEWING WITH UR FUCKING MOUTH OPEN, AND LEAVING THE BATHROOM DOOR OPEN WHEN UR USING THE FUCKING BATHROOM I DONT WANT TO SEE U HAVING A SHIT THATS THE REASON THE BATHROOM HAS A DOOR JFC 

33) Talked to a person named Tom: I have an uncle called tom but we dont talk

34) Is your most visited website: Probs facebook to spy on everybodies lives and why theyre better than me

35) Elementary school/primary school: Coningsby St Michaels, a bigger waste of time than my life

36) High School: went to a grammar school called Qegs can I hear a hell yeah (I fucking hate this school)

37) College: Sixth form I guess, I dont get ur american shit tbh

38) Hair colour: Gonna dye it black soon but brown rn

39) Long/short hair: Short but might grow longer for emo tbh

40) Crush: Literally a new crush every day I might be asexual but everyone can just fuck me pls

41) Do you like about yourself: I’m learning to like my body I guess but still hate everything else lol

42) Piercings: Industrial, my nose between the nostrils I cant think of the name rn, and two lobes on the same ear

43) Blood type: Wtf

44) Nickname: Ollie I guess, or O-O for my cousins

45) Relationship status: single and wanting to die

46) Zodiac: Cancer, just like what my life is

47) Pronouns: Idc tbh call be cunt for all I care

48) Favourite show: DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON STEVEN UNIVERSE IT IS MY CHILD AND MUST BE PROTECTED

49) Tattoos: Want but no :(

50) Left or right handed: right

FIRST

51) Surgery: Nearly had like 5 surgeries but dodges them all yay for body health

52) Piercings: First was the industrial, not at all painful

53) Best friend: My boi AARON CAN I HEAR A WHAT WHAT

54) Sport: Lol probs country dancing or some gay shit I did at primary because football was too straight for me

55) Vacation: Like my grandmas or something? We dont get out much

56) Pair of shoes: I still actually have my baby shoes tbh, well at least the right one, theyre so cute as well

RIGHT NOW

57) Eating: Dinners ready soon idk what it is but im so hungry

58) Drinking: Water <3

59) I am about to: Games to avoid responsibility

60) Listening to: OMG I’m listening to Elvis isn’t dead ofc for like the 200th time today <3

61) Waiting for: Either death or a relationship, but we all know which will happen first (death)

62) Want to see: Alaska omg I love the geology and its so nice over there <3

63) Want to get married: If my significant other does idc either way the wedding vowes and speaches would be far too awks for me to handle

64) Career: I’d love to be a secondry school or college teacher and become poorer than I am now yay

WHICH IS BETTER

65) Hugs/kisses: WHY IS THIS EVEN A QUESTION IF U HUG ME IM LITERALLY URS ID SUCK A DICK FOR A HUG RN JFC (I love hugs)

66) Lips/eyes: Probs lips, I never remember eye color and whatnot so its probs not that important for me

67) Taller/shorter: Taller ofc

68) Younger/older: If it was a dude older ofc, if it was a chick then defo younger

69) Romantic/spontaneous: Romantic all the way, I’d love a dude to lift me by my feet and kiss me... I watch too many romantic films tbh

70) Nice arms/nice stomach: There is not better quality for a man than a cute lil beer belly omg, but for chicks nice arms are cool

71) Sensitive/loud: Sensitive, bc loud can get a bit too annoying after a while

72) Hookup/relationship: I would hate to hookup with people bc sex is just so overated 

73) Troublemaker/hesitant: Either tbh im not too bothered about this

HAVE YOU EVER

74) Kissed a stranger: Lol nope stranger danger and whatnot

75) Drank hard liquor: Probably, I never remember what I drink

76) Lost glasses/contact lenses: I never buy new pairs, I loose them and are forced to buy another

77) Turned someone down: The one guy who had a crush on me I turned down because it was a lil too weird for me why am I like this literally the one person to ever like me

78) Canoodling on a first date: If by canoodling you mean reading the bible can I get an amen

79) Broken someone’s heart: I guess that one guy but who would want me enough to have their heart broken lmao

80) Had your own heart broken: Literally all the time omg why are straight guys so fucking hot :///////

81) Been arrested: nope im too pure

82) Cried when someone died: I dont rly think death is anything too be sad about tbh its something everyone experiences and shouldnt be something to hold you back, for all you know they might have wanted it or prefer it to living??? if ur into religion and all that

83) Fallen for a friend: Literally all the time, for an asexual im such a whore

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

84) Yourself: Literally never

85) Miracles: If someone asks me out for the second time, then yeah sure

86) Santa Claus: I did until mother fucked that over for me :’(

87) Kisses on a first date: I’d need a date for there to be a kiss tbh

88) Angels: Nope

89) Love at first sight: Well thats me in a nutshell so yeah basically

OTHER

90) Best friend’s name: AARON (Anna (tee hee))

91) Eye colour: Like some green blue combo idk like I said Idc about eye colour

92) Favourite movie: honestly I hate this question, I love literally every movie I watch so how can I rank them? at least ask for a fave genre, that would make it easier 

[swearronchanel]

and my commentary continues: series 6, episode 2 (if this is now a thing idk what to title it)

You asked for it, my first class isn’t until noon tomorrow so I can sleep in & so, I complied Also the SAG awards finished at like 10pm so even after doing my night routine it’s still early haha here it goes …

- Oh shit I forgot color - ah I really like the new intro - Penny’s outfit is so cute - “Walk don’t run” stfu Sister Ursula this isn’t elementary school - “Have you lost your marbles bubsy” haha that’s cute - UGH I WANNA FIGHT THIS NUN - LET JULIENNE ARRANGE THE DAMN FLOWERS - This is when sister Ursula presses sister Monica Joan about the bon bons lol - “Unlike your sisters” guessing u don’t think u count - You’re damn right - Sister MJ sly af 😏 wish she was my grandma - Aw penny it’s ok sweetie all will be well - AlRight so where is St Cuthberts, is it closer than the London? Idk just wondering - I don’t care that much tbh - Damn this man gonna go blind how sad - I like knowing what happens when I’m watching bc I can’t take so much I get anxious - But are we not going to mention Patsy’s wig anymore? It’s still ugly, lucky emerald is beautiful anyway - - Ugh my bbys are still so hurt about the thalidomide 💔💔 - IT WAS NOT EITHER OF YOUR FAULTS - YES IT IS A MIRACLE PATRICK, YOU SHOULD’VE MENTIONED IT LAST WEEK but it’s all good - HE’S TOUCHING HER STOMACH AH - AND THEY KISSED Lmaoo I bet this will break Tumblr - UgH SUCH A SWEET MOMENT TO MELT MY COLD HEART - Jk this show has made me such an emotional mess, like I rarely ever used to cry or anything - But it could also be because of university diminishing my sanity - “We should really start telling people” - YEA PLS GIVE US A CUTE SCENE TELLING EVERYONE @ NONNATUS - - Buttt, I’m gonna guess it’s either going to be implied that they told them off screen or they won’t find out till she starts bleeding mid inspection ?? idk I’m just guessing, don’t come at me lmaoo - Patrick’s smirk “he’ll certainly understand” 😂😂 - SHELAGH’S CRINGING FACE I LOVE IT - YOU KNOW IM HERE FOR ALL CRINGEY EXPRESSIONS - Plus that’s my bby - - PHYLLIS SAW PATS AND DELIA - SHE KNOWS & IM GLAD IT WAS HER TO FIRST FIND OUT - - alright so let me be annoying real quick - From that clip from the casebook Valerie is problematic/lowkey racist & no estoy aquí para eso PERO I like her in the moment? - One, her outfit is cute - & B, she gets along well with my shelagh and seems nice.. I’m not gonna forget her comment though lol, so I’m going to stay neutral for now - - Ok the Marsh baby is born next - Lol sorry I love when sister Winifred is being cringey or funny but this was just kinda boring but I know it’ll get better later in the episode - BUT SERIOUSLY I WANNA KNOW SISTER WINIFRED’S REAL NAME - Idk why that was capitalized I don’t feel that strongly but I’m very curious !¡! - - Shelagh being all cute and cheeky giving those vaccinations - Penny is so sweet - - Alright this is so irrelevant but still, Shelagh is outside.. so Why would she throw up in a napkin in her hand? lol, all that open space 😭😂 idk I really hate throwing up and will not let my self throw up. Not even vlad can make me😷 - SHIT THAT EXPLOSION THO - what were they doing exactly? - like a bitch over here a lil confused :/ - MY LIL SUPERHERO SPRINGING TO ACTION YES BBY - shit George’s blind for good now it’s sad - and arthur’s gonna die damn - - look at disheveled Shelagh so damn pretty but I wonder when she got that cut lol - Lmaoo @ Valerie, so she knows the Nonnatuns - - Damn I’m only 17 mins in why do I talk so much shit to myself - Sister MJ sneaking that bread during sister Ursula’s prayer is me 😂 - I swear though if Sister Ursula tries to get rid of Sister MJ I will fight - My eyes roll every time this woman is on my screen - Phyllis chewing angrily is also me - “Travel visas there have been canceled” shit pats it’s too relevant right now - “I’m trifle deaf these days” PHYLLIS U ARE A GEM - Penny wins best dressed patient - - Patrick worrying is precious - SHELAGH TRYING TO HINT WHILE SMILING IS SO FUNNY BUT WHY - Lmao why are they acting like Tim is not literally right there? - Also this boy is 15 why is he not ever with friends - Of course he knew, he’s always around and isn’t dumb at all. He basically grew up around pregnant ladies tbh - “.. Good I don’t want to know any other details” lmao 😂 - I knew he’d be pleased but I lowkey wanted him not to upset or annoyed so he could have a good little story line - It’s not realistic that this 15 year old is so pleasant with his parents all the time - Like I was an angsty fright @ 15 - lol I’m acting like I’m old, I’m going to be 19 & I’m still like that^ with my parents a lot of the time - - Why do British people call bandaids “plasters”? Hm. I just think of plaster of Paris for like walls or whatever it’s used for - “I’m a slow healer” lol Shelagh is so precious - “If the baby’s a girl I’m moving out” I think it’ll be a boy. Actually Idk forget I said that - Don’t be nervous bby, speak up you got this - “That’s my girl” yes Patrick that’s our girl protect her at all freaking cost 😭 - I’ve gotten so far without saying “fuck” I’m proud - - “This is the dark before the dawn, but there is always a dawn” thanks sister I needed that - “I’ve committed a crime"😭😭 - I love sister MJ - also not gonna lie I cried a little the first time watching this - - Some mothers of color in the community centre makes me happy - Who’s the model though? 😏 - Someone find him & tag me - Ugh here comes sister “I ruin everything” - Honestly when is sister Julienne just gonna come out and say “you gotta go”? - No that’s not the way you do things - fuck yea sister J - “We must simply sit it out and wait for Churchill” - I HOPE THATS TRIXIE - BUT also I really want Sister Julienne to be the one who saves the day - Lol yea Babs your wardrobe should step it up but it’s okay - - Shelagh don’t be nervous you’re gonna kill it - Does sister Ursula even do anything? She doesn’t see patients does she? Nah she just makes everyone angry - Get up outta here - Lol I’m so Brooklyn for that - “Mrs Turner you look nice” - UM YES, MY BBY, her new dresses & coats slay - She finally took a break from the damn cardigans & I love it. Not that there’s anything wrong with cardigans but you catch my drift - Nah for real I wanted a fabulous wardrobe for Shelagh bc times are changing & Laura Main is literally gorgeous so she needs pretty outfits & got it I did - so here for it, now we wait for another pair of trousers. lets get it 1962 - this first dress had such jackie kennedy vibes, love it - - “Consequences be DAMMED” YES PATS - Phyllis and Sister J are proud, I really want one of them to press Sister Ursula - Look @ Delia actually being a nurse! - ah penny 💔 - - Shelagh’s so nervous at first but then is like YOU KNOW WHAT ASSHAT JUDGE - “Where is nurse Mount?” , “where she is needed” YES SISTER JULIENNE - love the blue coat Shelagh - “I’m not ill, I’m just tired and angry” same - Don’t cry bby - “Our best is worthless bc it won’t change anything” ugh crush my heart, especially that little hug. I need to hug them all - lol who invited Tom to the hospital - he’s so handsome though so it’s ok - TELL THEM, STAND UP - “We need to fight” yes ! - I was worried penny’s baby wouldn’t live - C'mon Pats be pc - okay patsy opening up, crushes my heart she’s so closed off but I feel - Here comes the wicked bitch of the east [end] - Whoops can I call a fictitious nun a bitch - YES PATS YES DONT TAKE HER SHIT - Aw patsy, you two will okay, I mean look sister Bernadette came back as Shelagh because of letters so you never know - - Shelagh’s baby blue outfit >> - she needs to go out in public more with her hair down and slay everyone’s life - “Not today.” Yes Delia - “You did it Mrs Turner, you made em listen!” - Yes tf she did. I’m so proud - the set makeup artist did a crazy good job with the burns - “We never really out grow our parents, we just think we do” aw I should call my mum and dad - mm maybe later it’s midnight lmao - DELIA SAID I LOVE U - I FEEL LIKE NO IMPORTANT COUPLE on here HAS SAID “I LOVE YOU” to each other ?? - They almost kissed aw - Fred just break the door damn - Reminds me a little of when Jenny left - Aw the Marsh fam - Phyllis you are gold - Phyllis is still learning Spanish, please give her an opportunity to use it! - the only Spanish speaking mother was conchita, wasn’t that the first episode ever? lets get another one - Anyway, this was so sad. - “The pain it costs to love..” PHYLLIS I LOVE You. You deserve everything good - Aw all the other mothers with penny! - Alright Lets hear it Vanessa - Aw Delia Bonus: preview for next week - my other bby Trixie is back !! - hope she loses her shit when she realizes sister Ursula is ruining everything + patsy/sister mary cynthia are gone - My bby Shelagh looks so pretty!💕 - BUT I KNOW NO ONE IS SHUTTING DOWN ANYTHING - I will not have it - Phyllis spilling the ever so obvious and boiling tea, sister Ursula is UNFIT - Pls let Sister Julienne say something crazy to her before she goes - Why is babs crying?? - ugh of course that’s the most of a preview we get - Nothing bad will happen to my bbys I won’t have it. Protect them at all costs or I’ll spontaneously combust - Jk but I might flip my shit or throw my laptop - But for real for Shelagh to miscarry 3 episodes in would be a waste of a storyline - Plus it is a drama, we’ll be shook for a while, then we’ll cry, we’ll laugh & then Vanessa Redgrave says something profound and we go on with the week - The End 🙃🙃 - If you read this far, you’re a champ - I did this for u all

#call the midwife #i'm a clown #series 6 #lets get it 1962 #protect my bbys at all costs though #my commentaries™

[at-least-ill-die-a-lionturtle]

All of the questions. 💖

** Links are in bold **

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? It depends on the cereal. Raisin Bran gets 50/50 milk-to-cereal ratio, while something like Fruity Pebbles gets a 30/70 milk-to-cereal ratio

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? I CHERISH IT WITH ALL OF MY HEART AND SOUL

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? Whatever happens to be the closest, flat object

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? I like my coffee as such: 50% coffee, 30% half&half, 20% sugar. Im going to assume this means hot tea, which Ive only had green. But I like my green tea with three sugars.

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? Very. I have bad gaps on all my front teeth

6: do you keep plants? No, but I really want to :3

7: do you name your plants? I will give them lovely names. Like Hamish, and Ludacris

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? Music

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? I DO, I do it all the time

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? Mostly side and stomach. I roll around a lot

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? Hey Karen, have you sent those faxes?

12: what’s your favorite planet? Mars

13: what’s something that made you smile today? A few things. My girlfriend, Rob Schneider, Achievement Hunter

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? Like this, I’d imagine15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! On Venus a day is longer than a year. The length of time it takes to complete one whole orbit around the Sun is 224.7 Earth days. However it takes 243 Earth days to rotate on its axis just once.

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish? Uhm… Lasagna? I need more time to think about this lol

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? Ive dyed it blue before, it started off kinda dark and ended like a bubblegum blue. Next time I wanna dye it like this but darker

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. The time during marching band when we did our invitationals. Me and a buddy were in charge of the water station, and the valve on one of the jug-thingies wasnt working right. I told my buddy, “Hey, it wont work right unless you flick it first.” And the band director of the band walking buy, he was like 70 years old, kinda sounded like Old Man Jenkins from Spongebob. He said, in a tone that he knew EXACTLY what kinda joke he was making, “It works when I flick it!” And we were literally rofl

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? I keep a dream log, but I havnt updated it in years. Its not very often that I remember enough of my dreams to actually write them down. But I’ll go ahead and make posts with the two that Ive kept, here and here

20: what’s your favorite eye color? Greens and blues

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. Ive got this Halo 3 messenger bag thats like a Desert Storm color. One end of the strap has come off, a lot of the ends are frayed, and one of the zippers no longer works.

22: are you a morning person? Ive always been a morning person, and I also used to be a night owl. But now I struggle to stay up past 10pm

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? Watch Youtube and play video games

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? Yeah (:

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? My own home lmao

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? My stupid fucking work boots lol Only pair of shoes I own

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? Trident Layers Strawberry Citrus

28: sunrise or sunset? Primarily sunrise, but also sunset

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? When @pizzaboxx​ attacks the patriarchy

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? Yes, quite a few times actually. I almost tumbled down a mountain in a Jeep Wrangler when I was 7

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. I think okay about socks. I like wearing weird socks, I have a pair of Captain America ones with little wings. I do sleep with socks. I mostly do yeah lol Im pretty much always wearing socks unless swimming or showering is involved

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. Partook in some hooliganism at a Walmart, which included, but was not limited to, prank calling 9-11.

33: what’s your fave pastry? Bear claw and/or apple fritter

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? Ive had an Orca named Oscar since I was like 10

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? Nah, not really

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now? Faunts

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? It kinda goes back and forth

38: tell us about your pet peeves! God damn, thats a list for another day lol

39: what color do you wear the most? Black and other dark colors. But Ive picked up a small array of light colored clothes over the last few years

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you? I own an Amulet of Stendarr. It increases your Block skill by 10%. Stendarr is the Tamriellic god of Justice and Mercy. He is the patron of cleric-type folks, as his devout followers, the Vigilant of Stendarr, travel the lands rooting out demons and undead such as vampires.

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving? Hm… I dont really know. My memory is shite and I havnt read a book in full in SO long

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! Not really, never have really been to an actual coffee shop. FUCKIN LOVE WAWA THO

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? Alex 

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? I dont know if Ive ever truly felt like that. But Ive been close a few times.

45: do you trust your instincts a lot? Not a lot, but on occasion.

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. I’m always on time with my jokes. I guess you could say I’m pretty pun-ctual.

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? Fucking anything with cabbage. Oh, and candy corn. Fight me.

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? I used to be really afraid of the dark, but not really anymore.

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? I LOVE cds! And I’ll start getting records when I get a record player. The last cds I bought was a Weezer collection. It had Blue, Pinkerton, Green, Make Believe, and Red.

50: what’s an odd thing you collect? Nothing that I can think of, really.

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? MY buddy Sam; You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? None really. But Im sure something good will come around.

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? No, no, yes, and yes. I really like Beetlejuice, and I LOVE Pulp Fiction.

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? poop

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? Im not really sure

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? The passion for something they love

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? I ALWAYS dramatically re-enact the lyrics. HOW CAN YOU NOT?!

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? Dont know about wine mom, but my friend Caitlyn is DEF the vodka aunt lmao

59: what’s your favorite myth? The American Dream

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? I do, but I dont go out of my way to read it

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received? I honestly cant think of anything right now, for either situation

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? I drink juice literally whenever possible, preferably apple juice.

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? Leave them to be

64: what color is the sky where you are right now? Midnight blue

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? YES. My group of friends from back home, and my baby sister

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? Made of blue Morning Glory’s and pink Hibiscus

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? SO GOOD. I always feel in a better mood.68: what’s winter like where you live? One week of frigid temps and occasionally Fall like temps but mostly in mid to high 70′s69: what are your favorite board games? Battleship, Scrabble, hmmm. Thats all I can think of at the moment70: have you ever used a ouija board? Never71: what’s your favorite kind of tea? Sweet iced tea. Im also trying out some Scottish Heather tea right now and its quite delightful72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it? YES. I am so forgetful lmao73: what are some of your worst habits? Forgetfulness is the root of most, if not all, of my bad habits. So Imma go with that.74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. Loud, but also quiet at times. Very laid back, but adventurous. Trust-worthy and reliable. Never afraid of a good dick joke.75: tell us about your pets! OKAY! First dogs, then cats. Otis is a momma’s boy and loves socks. Charlie is energetic but loves being lazy on the bed AND BORFS LOUD AT SQUIRRELS and will steal your food without a second thought. Sheep is blind and likes the bathroom. Izzy is hella stressed and barks at EVERYTHING. Bojack is a grandpa with literal Alzheimers and sleeps A LOT. Lady chews on EVERYTHING and often throws up stuff like string and leaves and loves to be held. Gizmo likes to jump up against your leg and rip apart your flesh with his little raptor claws. Dobby gets hurt and cold easy but plays SUPER rough and is a MAJOR GROANER when sleepy and stuff.  NOW CATS. Oscar is smol and cuddly and gets cold, but he PEES EVERYWHERE. NOTHING IS SACRED. Bones is also smol and very shy, doesnt like the other cats and REALLY LOVES Charlie. Frizzo is sweet most times but growls at everything and is an ASSHOLE to Bones and Carter. Carter stays away and hidden, she doesnt like the other animals. Will boop you when she wants attention. Lucy is our angry son, he is a super asshole to all the cats except Bones because thats his girlfriend, and is especially mean to Frizzo and Carter. He has an old man face when he’s tired.76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? Going to bed lol Super tired, but I need to finish my tea.77: pink or yellow lemonade? Yellow78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? I dont hate them, but I dont like them either79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? Alex has done plenty of cute things for me, because everything she does is cute :380: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? Fucking fake wood panels. We did not :P81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. I dont know too much about any of my friends eyes???82: are/were you good in school? NOPE lol83: what’s some of your favorite album art? Really like the album artwork of Deep Blue by Parkway Drive84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? I AM! I have a few specific ones planned, but also a bunch of inspiration here!85: do you read comics? what are your faves? I do not, but I really want to! I want to get into Spider-Man, The Flash, Ms. and Captain Marvel, Guardians of the Galaxy, and anything Teen Titans related.86: do you like concept albums? which ones? I think this is a concept album?87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? Good Will Hunting, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Her88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? Expressionism and Impressionism89: are you close to your parents? LOL NOPE90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. FUCKING LOVE SAVANNAH. Its the perfect blend of historic and modern. Right on the beach/river. Lots of cool things going on. Also downtown is BEAUTIFUL.91: where do you plan on traveling this year? No idea lol92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? DROWN IT.93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most? Varied lengths, and its really hard to tame my hair. Even with gel and shit. So I just let it do its own thing mostly.94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? An old friend from Runescape95: what are your plans for this weekend? Not a got damn thing!96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? I used to procrastinate them a lot, but Ive gotten better at it97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? It changes almost every time I take it, but I think its ISFP? Taurus. Gryffindor but I relate to Hufflepuff as well98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? Like over a year ago, I went with my buddy Sam and it was a pretty good time.99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. Jesus Doesnt Mosh - The Ambulance Review, Engine 45 - The Ghost Inside, Broken Mirrors - Mercy Screams, Rise Against, like just in general; [This Is More; We’re What Separates the Heart from the Heartless; Amber; Some Kind of Hope; Sufferer/La Poderosa; Diamond; Ring Loud (Last Hope); D(I AM)OND; Built Upon the Sand; The Suspend] songs in brackets are by Stick to Your Guns. Im total trash, sorry not sorry.100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? Easy, I would definitely go back five years into the past. It would be awesome to have my current knowledge so I could better prepare myself for my life today.

[sodasyrup]

DAILY ANON SPAM

i really let these build up

DAY 315: nah lol it okay. I was able to write, I was just staring at the screen. and I wrote more until I finished the second chapter today!!!!

congrats on writing!

DAY 316: THIS THUNDERSTORM IS A STRONG BOY TODAY OH FUCK!!! I actually heard the thunder even with my earbuds in max volume 😳

i fuckin love thunderstorms..........

DAY 317: I didn't get to write today 😔 honestly quite tired but I got to have hot chocolate so that's good

WHORE

DAY 318: I was able to write and we're supposed to have really bad storms today!!!!! also I almost fell asleep before doing this lmao

Whore redacted

DAY 320: in a gift event and got my giftee. I'm so excited to start writing for them!!!!!!

day missing?

DAY 321: I was so distracted today and I don't know why 😔 also I really want a switch so I can play animal crossing but I don't want to burden my parents

oh.... if u get a switch we can play naminal crosigns 

DAY 322: OH MY GOSH, THAT'S AMAZING!!! GOOD JOB!!!! :D!!!!!!!!!!

COLLEGE TIME BABY!

DAY 323: this whole week, 0/10 for me. I've been so forgetful and keep procrastinating. the only reason I am able to finish what I have done so far is because of sprints 😓 oh well! but I'm tired so sleepy time night!!!

oh babe sorry. i hope u slept well

DAY 324: dunno if I already mentioned this, but I'm in two birthday events and I already reached the first minimum word count for one of them and am halfway to the other event's word count minimum!!! :D

time to pass the MAXIMUM WORD COUNT

DAY 325: I GOT MY UNDERCUT SHAVED AGAIN!!!! HOORAY!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK! YEA! GAY! RIGHTS!

DAY 326: my legs hurt from standing so much reorganizing my clothes 😪

id rather die than organize my clothes

DAY 327: I WENT OUTSIDE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A MONTH AND WATCHED TWO MOVIES I RENTED!!! Sonic was really good and Birds of Prey too!!!

outside......... *smacks u* dont get infected 

DAY 328: my knee HURTS!!! also I really hope I can get a new laptop soon so I don't have to worry about it and can write freely

*rips out ur knee* you deserve so much 

DAY 329: I have one day left of "school" and I doubt I even have much to do and I hate it :( but how have you been? are you doing good?

u did it..... today was my last day of work! twinsies....even tho im LATE

DAY 330: I'm gonna miss everyone but at least soon I will be able to sign up to finish my driving lessons and then focus on my writing completely :D

oh fuck epix! i cant drive im gay

DAY 331: my knee hurts but I finally figured out how I want my gift fic to keep going!!! also I hate america once again but I love the people who are rioting because honestly, I'm surprised we haven't lost our patience sooner

FIX UR FACKIN KNEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! also god america is awful but my heart goes out to the protesters 

DAY 332: don't know if you've heard about pride///fall but be careful, okay? also I'm pretty sure there was a protest not too far where I live. however it ended, I'm just proud

ive heard of it but idc too much ive been around for awhile i know the internet well enough to just shrug it off. more concerned for others

DAY 333: dude it's okay. don't force yourself to answer them all at once. almost all of my daily anons have been written while I was half asleep in bed anyway, I vibe with that

owo........i answered them ALL

DAY 335: thanks dude. it's just painful to see innocent people be hurt or k*lled. nothing about this is right and I hate so much of this world right now. I can only hope things get better from here

MISSING A DAY

also yeah it sucks so much but we can work towards something better, together

DAY 336: I made ramen two hours ago and ate it. in the middle of the night. my stomach may not agree fully but I don't regret it. also I cannot type at all today

i think ramen just does that? makes u shit ur pants

DAY 337: currently crying because I just finished reading a fic and I'm just emotional. I knew what was gonna happen because of the major character death warning but jesus fuck, it hurt so much in the end. I loved it. 15/10

i cant read angst no comfort it makes me depressed

DAY 338: I've had a headache this whole day 😔 and I think I'm starting to feel bored and lonely. I might take a walk at some point or just sleep a lot

:^(

sorry man, NZ has been out of lockdown for awhile. hope you feel better soon

DAY 339: I said fuck it and had ramen again at like midnight, however much my stomach disagrees be damned. and now I am sated uwu

RAMEN MAKES U POOPY!

DAY 340: sleeby... but playin sims... and eating cheese... mmmmmmm 😋

sims......chehze....... mlemlemelme

DAY 341: leggy hurts but I have ice cream so I guess it balances out uwu

dude fix your leg serious go to a doctor or something

DAY 342: it was raining today!!!! and I loved it!!!! it was so windy!!!!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i love rain when im not in it

DAY 343: I finished drawing a second of and started my third! I love them all so far

ART! CONGRATS!

DAY 344: I was sad today but I had two cups of hot coco and did several sprints so I'm feeling better now :)

coco is very nice, you deserve it

DAY 345: it got cold all of a sudden??? excuse me, how rude. anyway, it's hot chocolate time!!!! imma add a little salt

the cold is me sucking away ur- wait wait wait salt in your fucking coco?

DAY 346: it was cold as a BITCH last night and it's cold again!!! 😭 at least I got blankets and hot chocolate 😋

SALTY HOT CHOCOLATES?

DAY 347: I might have allergies, idk. but I can finally finish up my driving lessons!! and I finished my required hours so woohoo!!!

i’ll sneeze in ur mouth to fix ur allergies 

DAY 346: okay but real talk- I'll probably stop doing these after I do a whole year if that's okay. and I finishing up my driving lessons!

THATS FINE BABE one whole year like. fuckin dedicated!

DAY 349: I just realized I messed up the day number for the last one *dies* goddamnit. anyway, early sleepy time!!!!!! uwu

you’ve messed up a few but its ok bc youve done this for a fucking YEAR

DAY 350: MY BODY FUCKING HURTS????? rude. I don't even know why, it just did

im gonna remove ur bones

DAY 351: oof writing is hard and drawing is hard. goddamnit life is hard. BUT THAT WON'T STOP ME

i wish i had hands to draw and write

#sodask #daily anon

[doureallywannakno]

Room for dessert?

Here I am staring at my laptop for a good five minutes because I don’t know where to start. I thought it will be easier since everything happened yesterday but I can’t put my words together....

On my past blogs I tried my best not to be specific just cos I was scared that he will eventually read my blog. But tbh though he will never know about this unless i purposely share it on my other social media. 

It was early March when I’ve become aware that this fling is officially over. I was sad. But it didn’t hurt as much as it did when i got my heart broken with loves. I prepared myself for this rejection and I know I will be able to surpass it. Firstly, because all these months we’ve been going out my mind was thinking more than my heart. But most especially, I know my best friends will be there to remind me that this lost is not really a lost but a gain for me. 

It’s been almost three weeks when we kinda started talking again. Well on Snapchat. He became more available recently. In my head i was like “i’m right he will always just be there” but however even though he went back to normal, I didn’t. Mainly because this time around I wasn’t attached to him anymore. I’m at IDGAF vibe s/o to DUA LIPA gurllll u got me. lol. 

Last Sunday (April 15) He called to ask something about work. Then as soon as I hung up he texted me asking what time I’m off, I said 6:30 and I thought he asked so he could come by and maybe he needs my help to shop. But I was wrong. He said he wanted to hang out after work but I said I can’t because I have plans after. Which is true btw. Then I said “I’m free Monday and Tuesday I think” and he replied okay. It was Monday, even though the-typical-bianca would be normally waiting for him to ask me to go out again. I wasn’t. Lol because i’m too hangover from last night I just really wanna go home after work and sleep. However, later that day he asked me if I wanna do something after 11 pm.... At first I was like thats odd, he never asked me that late. but then i figured he was doing school stuff at school. And the-typical-crazy-bianca would have said YEAH SURE but nope like i said im too tired and im at the “idgaf” vibe lol so i told him i’m going to pass cos i’d rather stay home. then he replied with “i’ll just come over and chill there” and the-typical-crazy-bianca obviously said SURE hahahahahahah bye. As it gotten more late, I had a feeling he wouldn’t come anymore. cos i told him i’ll be sleeping and he should just knock and my brother will the door for him. Which i knew even before saying it that it could scare him off. But I was like, if this guy has good intentions for me he wouldn’t be scared of my brothers. It was almost 15 mins to 12 mn when I asked God, that hey if this guy is really for me he will come before midnight... he didn’t. 

Tuesday morning, he messaged me like nothing happened last night. he acted weird and tried to be normal. And for the third time around he asked me to hang out. Okay I was going to straight up say no to him but then he said “you said you’re free today..” and then I realized i really need to see him one last time just to assure myself that this is really not working out and also to get the watch my friend gave to me. so we met up, went to Mary Brown’s and i seriously thought he’s the one paying since he’s the one who asked to go out. but putangina niya. as we were looking at the menu, and i asked him what he’s getting he right after said “you’re paying right? mayaman ka naman” Dude!!!!! Thank you Lord I’M GOOD AT HIDING MY EMOTIONS COS I WANTED TO SCREAM AT HIM lol He was immediately an off for me. Yeah it could be a joke. but damn, i havent seen you in so long we havent been talking like how we used to and you asked me to go out expecting i’ll pay for you? What a jerk. The-typical-bianca will let that go. And i did i swear. The guy doesnt work. I’m very understanding as you can tell. However, as we were eating he mentioned that him and the girl he likes from months ago have been not okay these past weeks. Immediately, in my head FUCK this guy has been trying to talk to just cos he doesn’t have anyone. I knew right when he said those he was just using me for company. The-typical-bianca obviously have let that go and understood him. Cos hey i’ve been in that situation before.....

As he was parking to my house he asked “are your brothers home? is there anyone i should be scared of?” hahaha i was laughing internally knowing i was right he got scared last night. We went to my room, i brought spoons for the ice cream he bought before driving back to my place. Then as he was rewriting his notes and eating his mint chocolate ice cream... his phone rang. and i saw her name on the screen. he answered like a kid so happy to get his ice cream. i overheard him saying to her that he’s at home when obviously he was at my place. he also said to her to give him an hour and half so i guess they can play fortnite. As soon as I heard that, my heart broke.. I was deeply hurt. It reminded me so much when Gabs will always leaves me when he gets a call from someone. It brought me back to times I was used so badly for being nice. It slapped me one more time of how stupid i am. I know i will always be nice. but i just dont understand why people take advantage of me. how can these people be so insensitive. Just as he was packing he stuff to leave, i saw he took his watch that he gave me the first weeks we’ve been going out. and then i saw on his other hand he’s wearing my other watch.. thats when he said “babe i’ll take this watch now okay” and im like in my head tangina mo gago ka but i said “nope you’re not taking any of my watch :)” then he said “but this is the watch you don’t like” and i responded with “nope my watch is my watch they will stay here with me theyre not going anywhere” then he immediately took off the watch and said “i’m leaving babe” babe mo mukha mong gago ka. then i just said “gooood byeeeee :)”