#its just hard seeing him so hurt

[womenaresohot]

I really want to be a good partner someday. I'm so worried I won't be able to

#i like him. i really do #i just know im still worried about restating old patterns #even though im better now #about some things #i can say no #i can stand firm in an opinion #even if it isnt his #but i know its hard not being in a relationship for him #and i did everything i could to avoid this #i noted at the beginning of this relationship that we should probably just continue being friends and not say anything until i could commit #and we mutually decided we didnt want to do that and we wanted to be open #and i told him that i wasnt ready and i wasnt sure when i would be #and i tell him all the time that if he's not confortable he should tell me #so i know its not on me. i foresaw this coming and did my best to prevent it #its just hard seeing him so hurt #and knowing he deserves a relationship

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Thank you. I'm sorry.

[First] Prev <–-> Next

#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #wei wuxian #jin guangyao #lan wangij #jin ling #LWJ shifting into fight mode was so damn cool. He is always ready to start throwing hands. #It's in a way that befits someone with a bit more bloodlust that his calm demeanor lets on - but nearly always in defense of someone. #What a great synergy with his personal philosophies! see that he is a Genuinely Noble Guy time and time again! #Is is also way more hilarious and unhinged than most people give him credit for? Also yes. #Nothing and no one ever said he did not or would not rip off JGY's hat mid-fight. I think LWJ needs to snatch more wigs LITERALLY. #Yes I'm delaying the part where I have to address the emotional turmoil of Jin Ling stabbing wwx. It gutted me terribly. #What is worse that realizing that someone you respected has done horrible things #than discovering someone who did horrible things being a kind and trustworthy person? #What is more horrifying that realizing other people are extremely complex and cannot be categorized into black and white? #When people hurt us or our loved ones we very much want to make them out to be irredeemable monsters. But they are not. #It is not actually such a terrible fate to just be a person. To be forgiven and forgive is possible. To change is possible. #This lesson is hard. It is something you have to actively challenge yourself to do. Black and white is the innate path to go down. #And its *why* I love Jin Ling so much. He is the character who fights the longest and hardest to challenge social and personal beliefs #He gets a pass for stabbing wwx for being so deliciously conflicted and tormented by it. #And with wrists THAT limp I can't imagine the wound was particularly deep

[s0fter-sin]

soapghost circus au

ghost’s an extreme motorcycle stunt performer - globe of death, riding on his back wheel along tightropes, that sort of thing

soap’s a fire breather/dancer. he’s a roaming performer; he just finds empty spaces or bored people and starts twirling

he pretends not to notice the way he always wanders towards a certain tent every night to watch a certain masked daredevil defy gravity. he thinks he's slick and that ghost won't notice him in the crowd, completely forgetting that he's carrying something that happens to be on fire

ghost couldn't miss him if he tried

one day off, soap's trialing fire whips; he loves the loud crack and the way the flame licks through the air and maybe he's a little too impatient to practice with non flaming whips first, even though he's never used one before

he's covered in soot and fine welts where the tip of the whip keeps flicking back up at him, cutting through his shirt and stinging his skin but he doesn't let that stop him. it starts to stick to him, damp with sweat and blood and he's quick to strip it off; throwing it to the side to keep practicing

when soap finally gets a few good cracks in a row and breaks to celebrate, he almost jumps out of his skin when he sees the masked rider leaning against a trailer watching him

of all the times he's wanted ghost to talk to him, this is not one of them

he wanted to impress him, dance for him with his flaming batons and be mesmerised by his fluidity and skill

not catch him filthy and struggling with something as basic as a whip

he's ready for ghost to ream him out for not having control over the whip - he's known throughout the circuit for expecting utter perfection in his routines - but when ghost finally does speak, it's only to ask if he's done for the day

soap falters for a moment. he wanted to get some consistency with the whip before he stopped, but he's starting to feel the hours of practice; muscles aching and skin blistered with minor burns

he says he is and ghost pushes off the trailer, nodding his head to make soap follow. he brings him back to his trailer and tells him to clean up then takes out his personal med kit to treat the grazes on soap's skin

soap's shocked; for all that he loves to watch ghost perform, they've never really talked before

part of why he joined the circus was so he wouldn't be a burden on anyone, the oldest in a family with too many mouths to feed and not even time to nurture, and here he is taking up ghost's valuable practice time be he wasn't good enough to handle his own discipline. he tries to brush him off, downplaying the burns and tries to leave before half them can be treated but ghost just glares and orders him to sit back down

ghost does expect perfection from himself but it isn’t out of any malice or ego; it's bc he knows if he isn't perfect, he could very easily die. he’s picked a dangerous profession and he gives it the respect it deserves. there isn't any shame in being a novice or failing at something; he thinks there's a lot of beauty in having the courage to get back up again and again

so every day he watches soap practice and bullies him into his trailer to put him back together bc he knows he won't do it by himself

and every night soap wanders over to ghost's section of the fair grounds, in awe of his skill and wishing he could be worthy of the care he gives him

#have i posted this before? yes but it has an actual idea behind it now #anyway back on my ‘soap pushes himself too hard to meet expectations only he is holding him to’ bullshit #price is obviously the ring master and id say gaz is probably trapeze #ghost used to work for robas circus who kept pushing him to do more and more dangerous stunts with less and less safety measures in place #and for a long time he thought thats how it was supposed to be #he was supposed to court death every night. supposed to limp back to his trailer and take care of his own injuries #and its only when price comes to one of his shows to scope out roba as competition and confronts him afterwards abt the conditions #that he realises something might be wrong #so seeing his past staring back at him in the form of soap hurts something deep within him and he has to make it right #he doesnt want soap to have to live with the same deep pains that he does #injuries that couldve been avoided if hed just gone easier on himself #coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt #we’re a team. ghost team #soapghost #ghostsoap #ghoap #john soap mactavish #soap cod #simon ghost riley #ghost cod

[treasureplcnet]

also quite obsessed with karl being as detached from the story as he is. there's nothing that makes him have to be the detective that has to be involved, but he unknowingly dooms himself by agreeing to work with the KYAL cult. every other detective basically deals with elias head on except weissman, who only meets him right before he kills him. like he's right when he says "by my choices" because everything that leads him to being mixed up with the mannix cult is himself. it's the gambling debts and the choice to do the dirty work for an organisation he knows nothing about. he's the only one that doesn't encounter that body doing police work and it's specifically because he's told to cover it up. he gets himself into the mess and eventually fixes it but the fact that esther always dies in the doomed timelines and he's always too late even if he starts wanting to change things ("till this child. esther.") it just makes me very ill

#sorry jane who heard this on her dms but now im posting it to tumblr cause im having a category 5 woman moment. AND ALTERNATIVELY: #i am also EXTREMELY obsessed with how its a time loop and the idea (so sorry tumblr user whose post i have lost and was inspired by) #weissman was just so fucking hard to deal with that they made sure that he was in their pockets. i just like the idea of the loop-- #--having like. fixed points that elias would need to ensure the dystopia (body is covered up/the investigation closes/etc) but #how they get there is a slightly slower process and the earliest loops were the messiest/most unpredictable #and what we see in the show itself is like. the most streamlined version over hundreds of loops and attempts #so karl specifically. lonely that he is and determined to survive. AND with a cruel streak against people he doesn't like #kept nearly blowing their operation so they began to incorporate him in it instead #there's also another tragedy in there if /esther/ is what they realise works best against him.. #just love and kindness for a girl that weissman comes to see as family and they immediately exploit it after learning during an early loop #im ignoring specific plot points here (polly seemingly panicking when esther shows up at the station) but I DO NOT CARE. #THERE'S ANGST HAPPENING RN. IM CREATING SCENARIOS TO HURT ME #now if i could write coherently this would be written as a fic but im stuck writing too long textposts #karl weissman #bodies 2023 #bodies netflix #sorry to the other detectives. weissman in particular is my babygirl who i devote most of my brainpower to #personal

[daily-hanamura]

#p4 #p4g #persona 4 #persona 4 golden #hanamura yosuke #yosuke hanamura #ahhhh thinking about early days yosuke got me hurting again #hes holding on so hard to the hope of being wanted #of peoole thinking about him enough that they reach out to text him even though they know its a moot point #but also when he talks about how people might get annoyed with him if he called just to say hes changed addresses #yosukes always been very conscious about imposing himself on other people and this is something about him thats very consistent #and it hinders his ability or willingness to actually reach out to others or form meaningful connections #because he just sees himself as being annoying so he ends up being guarded #im not ok about this #he's good with his queue

[holedyke]

having a hashtag bad one 👍

#my brother was chasing me with a shoe while i was screaming at him to stop while our mom just fucking stood there while i burst into tears #and then they both just go on their merry ways back to what they were doing acting like im not dry heaving so hard i think im gonna puke #like how can she just stand there and see me so upset and not say a single thing its just so typical he can do anything he wants no matter #how much it upsets me and he just gets away with it and i feel lile a dick bc hes younger and im an adult but this has been happening for #years and shes never done anything im so traumatized by him but i just have to keep acting like nothings wrong #i just wish my feelings could be even acknowledged by our mom like she enables it bc she does fucking nothing #once when i was a teen my therapist reported my brother to cps for hitting me and all my mom has to say was that having that on his record #could hurt him in the future and she was mad at me bc it made her look neglectful like babes its bc you are!!! #i need to get out of this fucking house so bad idk if i can stand another year here #h

[moeblob]

Deacon loves two things: Ymber and digging himself a grave.

Fulj hates one thing: Deacon.

#my characters #waiting on some info on the next commission so i indulged in ocs today bc i doubt i will have as much time for lil comics for a bit #deacon is so devoted hes like yeah i would kill for a deity that could easily kill anything himself but yknow teehee #and fulj just did you tell him you needed therapy also does he even know youd murder in his name #deacon caught red handed haha no of course i havent told him it should be obvious enough haha.... and its in his defense not his name :c #man really does have some issues but i love him so much and hes so devoted but like. unhealthily after a while #he does in fact need a chill pill and therapy but to be fair #ymber has needed therapy for centuries and yet he just bottles it all up and suffers so #its pretty unhealthy until they yell at each other one (1) time bc they are so insecure about things and get mad over very valid reasons #but then theyre like you know what that was necessary and i still want to stay by your side if you let me #and then fulj is like dude hey sorry you seem really happy did you fu- and ymber is like no please stop there we have not #fulj just squinting cause have not is very different than will not but whatever she doesnt wanna think about that with deacon involved ew #and eventually fulj is like hey ymber im sorry to say but i really do hate deacon and i dont even know why but he makes me uncomfortable #while deacon is just. in the room. hearing this and thinking how he knows she thinks hes weird but wow that wording hurts #and ymber doesnt wanna fill in memories better forgotten by fulj which she had forcefully removed #so he just says oh well his hair and clothing are black and you had someone in the past that you might see in him and its not a pleasant en #so you know maybe its that idk #and fulj is then WHATST i was rude to him for someone i cant even remember? lame im gonna try SO HARD to be nice to him now #and deacon just still sitting there with some food like this is v awkward and i wish i could not be here for it #and later he asks ymber about who he resembled and as ymber is descibing her it clicks in deacons head and he gets really sad #that he might somehow remind fulj of the woman she loved before she was punished for loving a mortal #and he feels kinda bad pestering her so much with his curiosities about deities and he kinda gets it #the fact hes close to ymber might remind her at the core that she was once that close with a mortal if not closer #anyway story time in the tags again #im so obsessed with these peeps and i have made them suffer so much but they do all end on a happy note #its still funny and nice to me that while fulj is creeped out by deacon and doesnt like talking to him #he still expresses the most emotions to her - he tries hard to remain serious around ymber and collected and obedient at all times #and when out and about with ymber he has to be intimidating and refuses smiling but fulj?? all sunshine and smiles and emotions easy to rea #and she is just that is so weird go away i hate you

[reel-fear]

MIKE BLOCKED ME ON TWITTER FOR ROASTING HIS DUMBASS RESPONSE TO THE GRAPHIC NOVEL STUFF!!

grown ass man scared of the 19-year-old queer being mean to him over his public meltdown more at 8.

#ramblez #little white boy sad? U sad bc nobody likes you? Bc u constantly make a fool of urself and show off ur distaste for ur fans? lmao #this is one of the greatest things to ever happen to me imagine how mad he'll be when he finds out the fangame Im making has queers in it #hes gonna have a whole other white boy meltdown on main KJSNFDGKJHFGKJHGKJHSDFGSD #hes so fucking sensitive maybe just get off of social media Mike this never ends well for you #batim #batdr #bendy and the ink machine #bendy and the dark revival #and look Im joking around about this but it really is sad that the bendy devs cant handle this kind of critique towards their decisions #it seems despite the backlash once again they are choosing to ignore their fans which is yknow upsetting #But hey ig if the devs being awful was a dealbreaker for this fandom I wouldve left a long time ago and I havent #dw Im not going anywhere <3 #also if anyone else here was also criticizing Mike maybe check his acct to make sure ur not blocked now since apparently #old habits die hard and this is certainly a pattern with him KJHDSFKGJHSDKFGJHDFGSD #also look before anyone asks yes I was kinda mean to him over this but to put bluntly if hes gonna be this dismissive to his fans concerns #he deserves it. Theres this persistent attitude esp in bendy fanspaces of being defensive of the devs #and I dont know why they have been extremely horrible people every single chance they get #and its very hurtful to see how many people would rather tell me to be kinder to the people who broke the heart of a child me when they #dismissed any ideas of putting queers like me in their stories than to realize Mike n Meatly bring this bad attention to themselves #to put bluntly I dont owe them kindness not until they at least apologize for the shit they did which they still havent #mike hasnt even addressed his vent poem in the code of BATDR let alone the other shit he said n did #so no I will not be kind to him ever hope this helps!

[flower-do0dles-dump]

Okay so context- lately I've gotten SUPER into @partycoffin 's "Welcome Home" and i've been neurodivergent hyperfixation over it. So obviously I had a dream recently about it! Big cool!!!! Especially since I was chilling with em. love to see it~ yippy! :)c But also this dream entailed Barnaby attempting to do stand up while Frank is just, being Frank and over explaining stuff. But suddenly Wally is just. COMPLETELY outta character essentially telling Frank to shut up. Which knocked the wind outta my sails immediately! Wally would never! I know this we all know this yet that is exactly the reason as to why its so funny! The art doesnt at all do the moment justice i fear :(

#i finally drew em! #the dream was hilarious and it feels underwhelming in this comic cause my wrist hurts. and its almost 12 at night!!! #im big TIRED 😴 #but i hope this is fun! #Frank was so *offended* and mortified #i think thats what fed into already how hard i was laughing due to the shock of how Wally sorta just sassed him #i mean what Wally did wasnt at all mind boggling to outside viewers but IT WAS WALLY! c'mon thats- #ISNDHMZ #IM RAMBLING ANYWAY DO ENJOY #and to Clown if you see this i hope i did em justice! 🥺 #flower'sart #Welcome Home #partycoffin #fanart

[money-and-dandellions]

continuation to this post:

Meg who unintentionally and absolutely illogically gets worried when Lester gets sick after the ghoul incident and he doesn't really understand why would she do that

until he does

#meg will fidget with literally anything and stare at him non stop #and ask him so much questions which is strange (why would she ask so much questions; why she asks him to make a stop; why she stares at hi #as if he will disappear; why she frowns so much at him? he is fine?) #so she asks him questions OR doesn't ask them at all just looking at him because he is tired and sick and how for the fuck he i— #—what if he will die? she can't lose him not again he almost died je was so pale she can't lose him again its going to he her fault— #and lester doesn't really understand why she seems so unnerved but tries so hard not to show it until he stops to yk stretch or smthng and #and practically blanks out and all he can hear is his little sister's voice why it is so small why it sounds so scared is she crying why— #why would she cry he is fine why is his cheeks wet ow that hurts and then he gets conscious and realises after a pause what had happened an #and sees meg that is so so scared and oh gods im sorry i didn't mean to scare you whats wrong why are you crying— #oh #and lester will get it after some time and try to make sure that she is okay that my dear meg is not your fault i am fine just a #a little tired and its okay shhhh #i am a sucker for when lester is sick af #the author is also sick with harsh flu is had fever (39°C) for 2 days straight but now is getting better #toa #lester papadopoulos #meg mccaffrey #sunflower siblings #love them #and they love each other #platonically

[fiendishartist2]

imagine going somewhere that you know you might not come back from. imagine leaving behind half-formed friendships and the facimile of your old ones, hand in hand with ppl who want you dead, because its the right thing to do. imagine you don't come back, just like you anticipated, except thats not entirely true. you dont survive, but some force stops you from leaving in peace; it leaves your body lifeless because it has no use for you besides the terror your mind can inflict on others, but it just won't let you die. imagine one day, you're free from the mental prison you've been trapped in. you wake up, but you're still not alive. you're cold and empty and no one looks at you the same because they can't stand to look at you. it hurts because you can't do anything but hurt people anymore. imagine you had no choice in this, except you did, didn't you? its all your fault because you were too curious, too naive, too prideful, too stupid. its all your fault, just like you always thought, and now everyone agrees with you. imagine they wish you hadn't woken up, and you can't help but agree with them. and yet, you do everything in your power to save them all, while you still have people left to save. because you're still you, even if your friends see an animated corpse in your place. you hold onto your humanity with white knuckles and gritted teeth because its all you have left of yourself. and you still lose by the end because you were set up to fail since the beginning. because you are jonathan sims, and the world has no sympathy for you

#JONATHAN SIMS. AUUUGGGHHHHHRHRGEHRGEJGRHEHRHRGHRGEHE BRK BARK BARK BARK #ripping elias bouchard to shreds and hitting the cast of tma over the head with hammers #ill fight tooth and nail for jon i will be in the fucking trenches for him no matter what #bc i believe in the goodness of jonathan sims!!!! i believe his selflessness is his downfall but it is still selflessness!!!!!!!! #he cares and he loves and he fights for his love even when its hard or hurts himself or others #he blames himself for being led down a path. he cant see how well he was manipulated bc he hates himself so much for falling for it #and nothing will ever be as heartwrenching to me as jon's humanity getting ripped from him when all he wants to keep- #-everyone safe from harm #it becomes his nature to cause the exact harm he was trying to prevent bc he had the misfortune of being the perfect victim #god. jesus christ. jon what the fuck. why would they do that you........................ #tma #the magnus archives #jonathan sims #im just saying things

[milf-harrington]

its so fucking disheartening realising that no one actually sees me as a guy, they just pretend to - and yeah its great being called theo but its less great being lumped in as one of the girls in the same breath

#i dont mind being the only non-girl invited to something (like my sisters hens for example) bc that just feels like a Gay thing yknow #but when the invite is 'hey girls' its kind of hard to consider that you see me as anything else #and i think the worst part - and this is probably the part of me that lacks self respect - is that i get it. #i have long hair i dress 'fem' and the only steps ive managed to take in my transition are wearing a binder and going by a different name. #so sure. but its still gutting and makes me feel fucking /gross/ makes my stomach hurt and my skin crawl #because like. theyll call me theo and a brother and an uncle and a son but?? do they even mean it?? #do they actually believe what theyre saying or is everyone just going along with it because they dont want to look like assholes? #i almost prefer my uncle whos at least UPFRONT about not understanding it #like at least hes honest at least when he calls me a girl i expect it #i just wanna curl up w my nephew and read bc at least he doesnt even understand gender yet #to him i AM just his uncle and thats all he cares about #captain speaks

[s0fter-sin]

it’s the sound that tips him off.

it’s late, half-past hell by his last count, and mactavish knows there shouldn’t be a single soul in the showers this time of night. though he’s sure if he asked, he’d be told a soul isn’t in there.

just a ghost.

he almost chokes on the thick steam filling the locker room; humid and hazy and the perfect cover. or it would be, if the man collapsed in the far stall cared about hiding.

mactavish hates himself a little for the low sigh that falls from his lips. he wishes he wasn't so disappointed; that the promises he's heard over and over and watched be broken as many times hadn't wedged their way into his heart and convinced him that maybe, maybe this could be the time it sticks.

he doesn't know what's worse; the disappointment or the lack of surprise.

he holds his breath through the steam and leans over the limp body; stinging hot water hitting his back, instantly soaking through his clothes and already starting to burn. he flicks the tap enough to take the bulk of the heat out and straightens; a groan startling out of the man beneath him at the sudden lash of tepid water.

mactavish crouches, knees clicking and hooks a hand under his bicep to pull him up straight against the wall. if there was any vomit on his skin, it's been washed away by the pelting stream and he supposes he can count himself lucky for that. he tilts his limp head back and slips his fingers into his mouth; holding down his tongue and ignores the way it lazily jolts under his fingers to check his airway.

clear.

another small victory.

mactavish pulls his fingers out and cups his chin, keeping him tilted up and moves in the way of the water again so he can pull at his eyelid.

the eye he's met with is cloudy, so dilated there's hardly a ring of blue left.

he sighs again; hand falling away and letting his eye fall shut. "god damnit, riley."

riley moans, all his weight resting on the hand holding his jaw.

"aye, 'm talking ‘bout you," he grunts tiredly.

he lets riley's head fall forward to grab his arm, pulling him away from the wall to sit behind him; propping his body up against his chest. he leans his head back over his shoulder, keeping his face out of the water and his airway open just in case he hasn't actually finished throwing up.

he takes the rag riley'd half-managed to soap up and mechanically runs it over him; cataloguing new bruises and cuts and checking if the old ones are healing. sickly yellow fingerprints ring his hips, red splotches paint his ribs; too new to have settled into the deep purple he knows they’ll become.

riley slowly makes more noise as he rubs life into his body; still lying limp against his front but his head's starting to roll restlessly on his shoulder. he swipes between his legs and carefully doesn't think a single thing about what he finds.

"sean?" he rasps and mactavish's hand stills; eyes falling shut. he bites his check, hand clenching around the rag tight enough to shake and breathes hard out his nose.

he doesn't say a word, just forces himself to go back to cleaning.

he's not sure what would come out of his mouth if he did.

riley isn't conscious enough to hear him anyway.

he runs his fingers over his inner elbows for tracks and manages to muster some relief when he doesn't find any. seems to be a pill and booze night; far from the worst condition he's found him in.

he rinses him off, running a curtesy hand over his shaved head only for it to fall back to his jaw; his thumb stroking over the thick scar carved into his cheek.

"you gotta stop doin' this," he whispers.

he isn’t sure if he’s talking to riley or himself.

mactavish gathers up riley's too-light body into his arms and turns off the shower. his head lolls into his throat and he throws a towel over his dripping body and another over his shoulder. it doesn't stop him from tracking water all the way to his quarters but he'd like to see someone try to put in a complaint about it.

he lays out the other towel on the bed and sets riley down; moving his body into the recovery position in an all-too familiar routine. he dries him enough that he won't soak the covers as he pulls them up to his chest and kicks the waste bin within grabbing distance of the bed.

he goes to pull off his sodden clothes when a different noise makes him freeze.

a low sniffle.

mactavish slowly turns back to the bed to find riley's eyes squinting open; glazed with tears as he kneads at the covers.

he stares at him for a moment as he looks around the room and those hazy eyes lock on him for the first time. "cap'n?"

he swallows. "aye; s'just me, riley."

his hand pokes out from under the covers and for all the promises he's made himself - all the “never again”s and “this is the last time”s - at the end of the day, he's weak.

he sits on the side of the bed and takes riley's hand in his; already so cold after nearly boiling himself alive.

"y' mad a' me?" he sniffs.

mactavish runs his tongue over his lip and slowly shakes his head. "no, i'm not mad at you."

"prom'se?" he pushes.

he reaches out and caresses his temple with his thumb. his hand almost covers his head and it cuts like a knife to remember just how small riley is. "aye," he says, hushed. "i promise."

riley's eyes fall shut, voicelessly murmuring 'promise’ to himself over and over.

"I’ll ge’ bett'r," he slurs and between one breath and the next, he's out.

mactavish sighs, running his hand in a final pass over his head and stares at a face that looks so much younger in sleep; bruised and sallow skin hidden in the shadows. "i know you will."

he presses a slow kiss to his forehead, shutting his eyes against the grief that wells in his heart and gets up to pull a chair over to the bed; settling in for another long night's vigil of watching his broken lieutenant sleep, ready to tilt him over if he throws up, eyes locked on the slow rise and fall of his chest fearing tonight may finally be the time it stops.

#drug use #tw drugs #guess whos back on her 09 shit #its me bb!!! #anyway 09 ghost who’s just completely messy #if he’s not on an op then he’s at clubs drinking & taking anything he can get his hands on #mactavish knows what he gets up to and hates it #hates watching him destroy himself stumbling back to base with no memory of what - or who - he’s done #hates seeing him prod at bruises knowing he has no idea where they came from #mactavish is more pissed that whoever riley was with just left him like that and that riley is totally fine with it happening #more than once he's found him almost od'ing half passed out in his room or the showers #and every time riley will slur out apologies and promises mactavish knows better to believe #riley knows how much it hurts mactavish to see him like this but its just so painful to live in his head #he can’t help but try and get out of it the only way he knows how #this is pre relationship btw just to make it all hurt a little more #ghost never remembers how he ends up back in his own bed after a bender #the whole point of them is to forget #he’ll end up missing days at a time and never question what happened to him in the meantime #if he thinks hard enough sometimes he can pick up flashes of a familiar voice rasping in his ear and big hands moving his body #but it’s hard for him to believe they’re anymore than drug induced hallucinations of what he really wants #coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt #talk to me ghost #we’re a team. ghost team #09 soapghost #09 ghoap #soapghost #john soap mactavish #soap cod #simon ghost riley #ghost cod

[cacturne]

“Carmine is not the worst” and “kieran is not the worst” are statements that can and should co-exist

#Its always either “carmine did nothing wrong kieran is a stupid unhinged brat!” Or “kieran did nothing wrong carmine is literally abusive!!” #No. Theyre not. Neither of them are. Theyre just nd/mentally ill and cope with it badly #Its really not that hard come on #Also as an older sister with a younger brother a lot of the mean dialogue is pretty typical #Obviously that doesnt negate the fact that for kieran it hit him in his issues but he never spoke up about it and kept it to himself #And carmine is pretty dense and a bit in her own head so it makes sense that she wouldnt notice without being directly told #And with her specifically its made clear in dialogue throughout that she does care about her brother #She thinks about how in her mind things might affect him and chooses what she thinks is the option that wont hurt him. Though obviously #shes not the best judge there. But thats understandable she isnt very good at reading people #And kieran just doesnt know how to cope with his problems. When stuff gets too much he bursts and lashes out. A normal thing for a teenager #Obviously this now frightens carmine and she starts backing down distancing herself and generally just closes up around him #Because while she is abrasive she doesnt really *realize* she is. And its easy to see kierans abrasiveness as something inherently hostile #(Because even if he doesnt really mean it it still is aggressive) #Hey wait a second why am i infodumping about kieran and carmine pokemon in my tags #This is like the worst way to do it. Sorry cutting it short ty for reading if you did #ghosts howling

[rewrite-canon]

me when sad media piece about romantic relationship: light work no reaction

me when sad media piece about sibling dynamic: oh. okay. its got a little kick.

me when sad media piece about child-parental figure dynamic: LET ME GET UP LET ME GET UP LET ME GET UP ELT MEGET UP ELT ME GET UP ELTMR FJETY UP LEGBR LE FEOT UP

#me when #i just watched aftersun and when i tell you the symptoms that movie gave me were PLAGUE-LIKE #its bcuz i cried so much throughout that my eyes are still swollen (its the morning after) #1. got a headache from how hard i cried and had to sit down #2. passed out right after the film (it was early) #3. i had work earlier and fucked my knee during my shift. it hurt so bad but after the movie my body was so numb i couldnt even feel it #4. dehydration from crying so much #5. tummy ache from crying so much. also felt like throwing up #6. became delirious and started thinking about my DAD DYING 😭 had to be with him for two hours to calm down lmfao #all in all: DONT WATCH AFTERSUN. the worst movie ever i genuinely wanted to die #still five stars tho #but im seeing a pattern in all my fav media. hm #aftersun #everything everywhere all at once #eeaao #tlou #the last of us #lady bird #beautiful boy #fancy dance #circe #michiko and hatchin #the astonishing colour of after #wolf children #the cruel prince #<- im only tagging tcp bcuz jude and madoc’s relationship was honestly the best part abt the series #rewriting

[tokyoteddywolf]

Urgh

I'm debating posting The Fic, the fixit for the Teal Mask arc of Pokémon Scarlet/Violet. I've already written a sort of self insert slash fix it for the main game, and I was working on the second part, the Kitakami first part.

See, the problem is the fact that me and the guy who edited/helped/has a main character in the story are... no longer friends, to put it plainly. Ended badly, too, which I regret, but not like there's much I can do about it.

So do I rename the character? Leave it to rot in my docs? Keep everything and finish and post it? I don't know. And I can't exactly ask him. Like I said. We ended it very badly, and I regret it some, but the damage is done with no way to fix it, so we shrug and move on with our lives.

But anyways, my main deal is I don't want to leave my lovely labor of love to stagnate in my Google docs. I want to finish and post it. I want to make the story mine again, since it was my idea in the first place. Regardless of dead rotting friendships still freshly murdered and cooling, burned bridges and all that.

I'm gonna leave a poll then, yall decide what I should do. But I do plan to finish that fic and post it to my AO3 account. Peace.

#poll #writing The Fic #pokemon #i debated it for a while honestly but im still not sure what to do #all i know is i do not want to let something petty ruin something i genuinely loved working on #as much as i loved him and as badly as we left things i still care about him. and that means i still care about the Fic. #i mean i still care. as much as i dont want to my stupid bleeding heart still goddamn cares because i can never let things go. #we may not be friends anymore and i know i said all the wrong things but its not like i can drop it in the garbage like it meant nothing. #i love this fic and i love the characters and i loved writing all of it and i just- leaving it to rot makes my heart hurt #i wanna finish it. so badly. not publishing it is just not an option. i worked so hard on it and maybe- #maybe im just stubborn and sentimental okay? maybe i just want to share the last good thing i have of him. even if he doesnt care anymore. #i highly doubt he'll even see this- probably has me blocked like Jay. no surprise. so ill let the poll decide.