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yooglefics · 2 days

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Reveal — Part one: recording

Pairing: Yoongi x fem!reader ( camboy!yoongi x camgirl!reader ) Wordcount: 2,198 words Genre: smut. 18+. mdni. don't use fanfics as your only source of sex ed, pls. Summary: your friend convinced you to record an audio for your OF, but doing it alone is nerve-wracking so you turn to your favorite creator for help.

Includes: Mentions of selling sex content. Mentions of sexual activity ( doing things and also talking about doing things ). Implicit masturbation instructions. Masturbation ( f and m ) ( wash your hands before putting them anywhere, folks ). People filming/recording sex acts. Use of pet names? ( baby, doll ). Dirty talk. Mentions of Jungkook x fem!reader but they are just frieeends. Author's note: I started writing this with hopes of it just being alright because I wanted to write something quick but then it got longer and here we are. Hope you like it! If you do please remember to leave a comment, reblog, ask, follow and what not. Thank you for reading <3

It's been six months since you started this side job. At first, it was a combination of curiosity and a little desperation since money was tight after your roommate and best friend decided to go back to live with her parents. You didn't complain too much about it because you didn't want her to feel bad, and besides, you actually missed having your own space.

But lonely nights with insomnia thanks to the stress at work, let you to explore sides of the internet you had only heard about in bathroom conversations. Curiosity got the best of you and so, here you are, going through comments on your last onlyfans post.

You've been able to grow a decent-sized audience, it may be a bit small to others but it’s manageable and you like that. Some of them are people you followed before, during your investigation stage, and now became your mutuals. You truthfully see them as your friends, like Jungkook.

He was the first person with quite a big audience who followed you back and you truly believe half your followers came from his page, even though he denies it and tells you it is all your doing. He really has a way of lifting your confidence and that's why after a few months you meet in person to shoot things together, nothing too spicy, just a shoot with Calvins and denim jackets. You were surprised when he didn't suggest something more than that, but Jungkook said “You're too sweet to fuck in a first meeting, but maybe later”.

You thought he was just partially joking, although a few meetings have passed and he hasn't tried anything. To be honest, is a bit disappointing since he is so attractive, but at least he is still willing to help you with fun photoshoots in your apartment.

A comment in the picture where Jungkook’s hand is around your throat caught your eye. When you suggested it, it was funny. A silly little joke about what people thought actually happened behind the scenes and a way to hide your face from the camera.

When you saw it after, it was less funny and much hotter. Even if he wasn't applying pleasure on your neck, the muscles on his forearm were visible under the ink, the lighting and shadows reflected on the skin of your chest that wasn't covered by the cami top you were wearing that day, and your gold babygirl collar sat perfectly on top of your breast.

You couldn't be mad at the people saying they wished to be in your place. You were jealous of yourself, damn it.

That's why the comment popped out between the others, because it was jealousy of Jungkook they were talking about.

[ JustADude: “Fuck. He is the luckiest man alive if he gets to hold you and listen to all your pretty sounds.” ]

Cheeks blushing, you giggle thinking about how Jungkook hasn't done those things. But you have to admit that the idea of people being interested in hearing is a turn on. And maybe it shouldn't be a surprise considering taking pictures for others does but… could you… ?

Your phone rings, indicating a text and interrupting your thoughts.

Kookie: told you, a voice reveal would be amazing!!

You laugh at the attached image been of the comment you were just reading.

Y/n: but i'm shyyyyy

Kookie: you can just record a masturbating session

Kookie: and review it and decide if you post it or not

Y/n: if i review it i’ll not post it lol

Is true. You'll get too much in your head and shy away.

Y/n: i barely go over pics before posting because of it

You remember him as if he didn't check your newest pictures for you.

Kookie: i can help too!

Kookie: i mean

Kookie: no pressure, ofc

Kookie: but it would be SOOO HOT

Not sure if it's for the idea of recording yourself or the fact that Jungkook is encouraging you, but your pussy reacts to the words on screen and is settled. You are doing it.

Following the suggestion of just recording a session, you prepare as usual, sitting cross-legged on your bed, laptop in front while looking for something… inspiring.

You think about maybe looking through Jungkook’s page, rewatching his last video, but at the end get too paranoid about him listening to himself in the background even if your mic is hooked up in your bra strap, as closest as it can to your mouth.

So, you think of something else. The image of a hand around your throat still fresh in your mind leads you to the page of someone whose hands you've been thinking about in many other sessions. SugaD.

A few taps on your keyboard and his page is flashing on your screen, those exact veiny hands greeting you on his last post.

“Oh, well… here goes nothing.”

Embracing yourself, you turn on your mic, giving a few taps to make sure it’s working, “hi,” a nervous giggle echoes your room, suddenly making you aware of the silence and glad you'll have noise beside your own.

Inspecting better Suga's post, you realize is an announcement for his last video, and the line “for all those asking for more hand porn, i got you ;)” feels like is calling you out, but you can start feeling the need between your legs so there's just so much shame and fucks to give left.

A few more clicks and the video is on full screen, starting with an empty black leather chair and then Suga coming into frame and sitting down. His face is not visible as in any other video, but following the movements of his hand, you realize his neck is. Pale skin in contrast with black t-shirt.

“This angle is kinda…” he trails off, soft laugh at the end.

“Hot,” you complete, confident Jungkook will, after laughing at you, delete it from the final audio.

“You can't tell me I'm mean anymore. I'm spoiling you,” Suga continues in the video, “I'm giving you this view and I'm giving you what's probably the thing you all ask the most for: hands.”

And there they are. His goddamn hands. Close frame and adorned with silver rings in a few fingers. And when he turns them around you can admire how veiny and manly they are.

“I hate him. I'm gonna sue him,” you murmur, because in the month you have been following him, something you've come to find out is that Suga always knows what he is doing. He knows that jiggling his fingers and making the accessories click, paint a picture on people's minds. He knows how to dirty talk without making it cringe. And, more than anything, knows how to tease and keep his audience on their toes.

You turn the volume down a bit more to make sure it really isn’t audible through your mic.

“Are you sitting, doll? Imagine you're on my lap right now,” he pats his tights and finally you move, positioning yourself on your knees as if you were, as he suggested, straddling him.

“That view would be amazing. You right here,” he pretends to hold someone by their hips in front of him and yours play pretend on your own body, moving them up and down as he does. “Maybe I'd tease you first, play with your tits, your nipples first. Why don't you do that, baby? Touch yourself for me.”

Letting out a groan is your way to express frustration against the fabric covering your chest, unable to remove your bra so the mic stays in the right place. Controlling your breath, you focus on the video again. Suga is playing with himself, hand against his chest just like yours, “How does it feel?”

“I want you to touch me,” you whisper. And clearly, you know he is not able to hear you, and you're scared you'd sound like an idiot at the end, but you figure this is your chance to experiment being a bit vocal. After all, this whole thing is supposed to be a voice reveal, not just moans.

Although, it's quite difficult not to do it with the sight on screen. “Look what you do to me,” he complains, voice raspy and hand traveling south to the bulge on his joggers.

“Are you hard?” You cringe at that one. Shaking your head to not let it get to much on your head and sending everything to the trash. Breathing, your right hand mirrors his actions and travels down your body.

He gropes himself with a groan and you moan just at the sound. Imagine a smirk on his face as you cup yourself through your underwear. The lace is so thin is impossible to hide the fact you're already so wet.

Another moan and you debate on skipping a few seconds on the video since you need him to do something. Give you anything.

But he is a teaser.

He strokes through layers of fabric even when his own noises let it be known is torture for him. “I wonder…” he breathes, “how much clothes do you have? Are you dressed like I am, or are you completely naked?” His hips thrust up, into his hand and he pulls it away. “Would you come by just grinding on my cock?”

“F-fuck,” you moan when he intentionally bucks his hips upward, veins on his hands popping up when he holds into the chair. You hate him, you really do. Because he is holding back and you just want to see him.

“Please, please,” and as if it were even possible he hears you, he takes his dick in one hand and out of his pants.

You moan in appreciation and finally allow your hand to sneak into your panties too. The much desired contact makes your legs feel like jelly for a second and you have to sit back on your heels while the guy on screen keeps driving you insane.

His hand moves up and down his length, thumb collecting precum at the tip and using it as lubricant, but when that is not enough, his hand disappears off the frame, up to his face. The sound is enough to help with the imagination and quickly he is back in business.

Your eyes are fixed on every movement, every sound. Your hand matches his speed and you don't know what is hotter, the wet skin sounds or the bracelet on his wrist? Because the silver chain moves as fast or even faster and makes a sound of its own. Ah, it is so impossible for you not to imagine what it would be to look at it from your perspective. If the fingers in your pusy were his.

You push into yourself, your breath caught at the sensation before adding another one, “ooh… oh.”

Can't master more than a few sounds, your mouth dry, it has been open since he uncovered himself. Oh, what would you do to have him in your mouth at least once.

“The things I'd do to you.” The recording continues, “And I bet you would let me, no questions asked, right?”

“S-so good,” your knees dig into your bed and you're glad you follow Jungkook's advice of protecting your duvet with a towel. “It feels so good, oh god.”

“Are you using your fingers? A toy? Would you like my dick instead?” He laughs breathlessly, “I would like to feel your pussy too. F-fuck, I'd fuck you so good, baby. Don’t you think so?”

“Uh uh,” short moans leave your lips, the palm of your hand rubbing on your clit before going back to back and forth motions. Fingering yourself and your eyes close as you enjoy the pleasure, and let more noises flow.

When you open them again Suga on screen has his other hand around his neck, head tilted back. Is not choking him, but you assume he is into that. “Oh… f-fu… pleasee,” he is going to be the end of you. How can you not imagine being on top of him, riding him, your hand on his throat or maybe his on yours. “I'm… oh, I'm…” a loud moan interrupts your announcement as you cum practically riding your hand.

There's silence. Well, your breathing is fast and the mic most likely will pick it up, but you try to compose yourself for a few seconds while looking at the blank screen that indicates Suga finished too. He never shows it on camera and the only indication he did is the aftermath, this time, on his black t-shirt when he says his “you did great, kitten” to sign off.

The next day Jungkook sends you the audio archive as promised. And is up on your page as fast as possible, it doesn't matter if it doesn't get attraction for a few hours because it's too early on the day, but if you think about it too much, you'd scratch the whole idea.

But not a minute passes and you have notifications of a new follower and a comment.

[ SugaD now follows you ]

[ SugaD: the cutest. ]

➪ Main masterlist. | ➪ Part two.

Edit: i forgoooot! If you want to be tagged on part 2 or future projects let me know <3

#( writing. )#min yoongi x reader #min yoongi smut #min yoongi fic #yoongi smut #yoongi x reader #bts x reader #yoongi fic #yoongi fanfic #bts fanfic #bts fic #( reveal )#( reveal: recording )

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monty-glasses-roxy · 8 months

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Anyway. Fun thing while I'm still stuck in brain fog land.

Trans Femme Freddy from a while back. Ya know, Francine Fazbear? Now that I like to give Freddy and Roxy a 'fuck you. FUCK YOU TOO' kind of relationship, there's some new layers to Francine to explore.

My Roxy is trans. She has a fun gender, and she does what she likes. She is not male or female, she's not a man or a woman, she's not a secret third thing, she's just Roxy. That's it. She has problems with the gendered aspects of her body, and if she's able to change that? She's very well supported and is clearly over the moon about it.

She said she liked any pronouns, but still favoured she/her and there was no name change. She didn't want any of that! She's always been Roxy! She just gets to decide what that looks like now! She can be as masc or as femme or as gender neutral as she wants! She will do whatever she wants and still be Roxy! By the time this stuff happens, she's been dealing with this gender stuff for so long, and understandably, kept the majority of her thoughts and feelings about it all to a very close circle of friends. Of which Freddy is not a part of.

Now, if we take Freddy and sail him down the river towards Francine, in my head, I get something that'd be interesting to explore in a fic of sorts.

After Roxy is free to do whatever she wants with her presentation, and makes a few changes to her body she's wanted, it gets Freddy thinking. He's barely seen the tip of the iceberg of her gender related problems, but now that he really thinks about it, the few issues he did see start to make sense. Truth be told, Freddy has always struggled a lot with his own assigned gender, something he's vaguely expressed to Bonnie and Chica, but never said outright. He never let himself wonder what he could be. He never took the time to really consider what he wanted because it would never be possible. There would be no point. All he knows, is that he's not a boy. He's not a man. He's not a dad or a boyfriend either. Those words just don't fit. A lot of things just don't fit, but there's nothing he can do about it.

But Roxy has just shown him something can be done. He's there in the group as she briefly talks about how she feels about it all, saying that she doesn't know exactly how she wants to present, but that she's got ideas for days and she's ready to see what sticks. He's there when she talks about the various attempts to do something like this before (against Fazbear Entertainment's wishes) that have gone South, and even remembers a few of those instances himself. He'd never understood why she did those things and he'd wondered at the time why she clammed up and gone completely quiet when he confronted her about damages, rule breaking or going against the company. Normally, she would have told him straight away why she'd done something. She was always loud and proud but not in the moments she talks about. Now Freddy gets it. For once, Roxy makes sense to him. He gets it.

And he doesn't like it.

He's staring at himself in the mirror. He's worried, he's nervous, and he keeps thinking about how Roxy did it. How Roxy is happier now. How she said she took her time, went slowly with it and had DJ and the Minis he very rarely sees behind her every step of the way. How Roxy has what Freddy wants but not quite.

He tries not to think too hard about it. Convincing himself that it's still not possible. He's Freddy Fazbear! He can't be anything but Freddy Fazbear! That's just how it is! It's not going to change!

But he keeps thinking. The questions keep coming and the answers aren't there. The words 'boy' and 'boyfriend' and 'man' start sticking more. He can see Roxy getting referred to as a boy sometimes, with he/him pronouns, they/them and even some random ones he's never heard of and he's starting to get so fucking jealous and it spikes every time she smiles after someone uses she/her for her. He wants so badly not to be bothered by any of this, but he is and it's starting to hurt when there's someone right there that might have the answers he's looking for... but fucking hellfire does he hate her. He's painfully aware that feeling is mutual.

He can't just go to Roxy. They're not even allowed to be left alone in the same room together after they got into an actual, physical fight a few years back. The tension has dwindled since then, but it's never left. They still fucking hate each other. That will never change, he's sure.

But no one else has the answers. No one else could possibly have the answers. No one else has done it before. He wants to know what he's feeling is okay. He wants to know that there's an option and he needs someone to be there that understands. But he'd rather die than rely on Roxy, and he's sure she'd rather die than help him. He's certain that out of everyone, she'd be the one to turn him away. He's certain she'd use it as her next backhanded compliment, or ammunition in their next sniping match. Why wouldn't she? She uses everything else against him, and he's just as guilty of it, so he won't ask. He won't say a word. He'll watch, he won't be sad, he won't think about it, and he'll occasionally seethe with frustration and envy right beneath the surface.

Until it's just too much.

Freddy was there when some bigotted parent started shouting. That this gender stuff is a game. It's all a money making scheme. It's all nonsense and it's just a phase. They shouldn't be encouraging any of it! Why can't they just be normal about it? It's making kids believe it's okay to throw their lives away because everyone else is doing it! I mean, what's next? Freddina Fazbearella? He says nothing. For the first time in his life, violence feels like the only good response. The thought scares him, and he does nothing.

Roxy steps in. She laughs in their face with all the confidence in the world and says "Lady, gender is a race and I'm winning. Don't be a sore loser now!" and a few minutes of her taking the abuse with a smirk on her face later, they're removed to the sound of applause. Little kids that had barely paid Roxy any attention before were suddenly enamoured. She's not a boy or a girl?? You can just be anything???? Wow!!! That's so cool!!! Suddenly she has a group of little kids, trading dolls and toy trucks and playing a game called Anything where they can be anyone they want. Chica and Sunny are there now, rallying them to play dress up and have fun with who they are and Freddy just watches on in silence. Little boys in dresses are princesses of the castle, little girls are racing trucks with fake moustaches. Two kids swapped names and shirts. They're all encouraged to try everything and find what they want to be and the game is so full of fun and laughter. He leaves when no one is looking. He has a lot to think about. Is it really that easy?

No, he decides. It's not. That's a simplified version for the kids. Roxy didn't teach them about her issues, or walk them through any feelings. She just taught them to be themselves, like she's always done in her own way. Would she do the same for him? He doesn't think so... but that person's words are on loop in his head. He can't just ignore this anymore. What he felt in that moment wasn't who he is, he can't let it go on like this. So he takes the gamble.

He shows up after hours. She's on the roof of her salon playing her keytar. She's not supposed to be up there... A Mini Music Man alerts her that he's there and he remembers she's territorial. She doesn't like anyone walking in after hours unnanounced. Monty's the same. She sets her keytar aside and leaps down. He can already tell she's angry and he wonders for the millionth time today if he's made a mistake. He hears her growling and demanding to know what he's doing on her turf, she barely tolerates him during the day, and he wants to answer 'Nothing. I am sorry to have bothered you.' but he doesn't. For once he can't say a word. He doesn't know where to start. He's frozen and while he wants to back out, he can't move. She gets louder and he notices the Minis have pretty much vanished. Are they scared too...? She gets closer, gets in his face and asks if he's fucked up his ears or something. She jabs at him and he can't keep the impassive mask in place. He expects her to grab him, to drag him out of her territory like she's done a few dozen times before...

Instead, Roxy pauses. She looks him up and down and takes a few steps back with narrowed eyes. She looks around and suddenly looks uneasy. "You're alone." she says. "I am." he answers. She's expecting the worst, he's sure. A death, or something, perhaps. "Why." It's not even a question. It's a command. It kicks something in his head and suddenly five words spill out of him and he turns his head down to glare at the floor and brace himself for whatever her repsonse may be.

"I am not a boy." He'd said. He's not sure if he wants to cry, melt into the floor or just be happy he's finally said it. There's such a long silence. He's never felt afraid to look before.

"You're not...?" She sounds utterly lost and he shakes his head. Why does she sound like that? Does she not know this feeling? He was certain she would! "Okay... so... w-why are you telling me...? Of all people??" she asks. He looks up and she recoils in shock at what must be a mess of emotion on his face, a far cry from the controlled mask he always wears with her. Never before has he felt so exposed and so afraid of what he's doing.

"What do I do?" He feels like he's almost begging. Perhaps he is. He's been ignoring this for so long, he needs an answer. What does he do now?

Roxy's face falls thoughtful. She leaves him waiting for a while, and for once, he's glad she's taking the time to find her words. She sighs and nods to herself. He's left staring in confusion as she turns and walks towards the salon entrance. She looks back at him after he doesn't move and gestures more pointedly for him to follow. And follow he does. Without a word. She takes him into the back, through a door he noticed behind the shelves before, and into the warmly lit tunnel system of play areas he's never really been in before. They sit in a comfy, surprisingly cosy spot and she starts to talk, or more accurately, starts prompting him to talk.

It's awkward. It's difficult. He's never struggled to articulate himself before but he is now. She doesn't just hear him like she always does. She listens. She nods, and offers comparisons so she can clarify what he's saying and it's like she knows and like she gets it. She tells him that nothing will leave this spot that he doesn't want to take with him and while they've never been close and he's never truly taken the time to know her, he knows she'll keep this promise to the bitter end. Like he knows she always does. She answers when he asks about her own experiences, but noticeably keeps it brief to focus on him. A few things suddenly seem obvious to him, while others still make no sense, and she stops him every time he insists he can't be who he feels he truly is. He fumbles a few times, says he shouldn't be telling her this and she just shrugs and tells him this isn't exactly something she thought she'd be doing either, but now that he's here, she wants to do it. He didn't believe her, but he's still here. And so is she, her full attention on him.

He doesn't get an answer to his question. She can't give him that, he's learned. Yet, he leaves Roxy's territory a little lighter than when he went in. He's learned a lot, about himself and Roxy too. He wonders as he walks if maybe Bonnie rubbed off on her just a little bit. Or maybe she's not as bad as he's always believed she was...

And maybe she's right. If gender is a race, then maybe it's about time he got off the starting line.

#fnaf security breach #roxanne wolf #glamrock freddy #this isn't to say they make friends or anything #just a new respect for each other!#he'll come up with his own way to talk about gender when he's ready he's not sticking to the racing thing #though he does for a while #only problem these two are facing is escaping the others to have these conversations one on one #ya know since they're not ALLOWED to be on their own without at LEAST one other animatronic-#or THREE staff members with them at any time.#and if you're curious... yeah the Minis avoid him like the plague.#they only really come out of the woodwork when he's around if Roxy needs them #which isn't very often #anyway #enjoy the rare freddy post!#just been thinking it could be fun to explore something like this #and I'm not gonna say I'm not trans enough. not starting that train of thought.#whacking myself on the nose with a rolled up newspaper like 'TRANS IS AN UMBRELLA AND YOU ARE AT THE PICNIC BENCH IT'S KEEPING THE RAIN OFF #even so. I don't have a lot of self awareness so I might not have the experience to do it justice?#eh I could try #probably won't do it regardless though. god forbid my brain lets me do anything.#anyway yeah fun post I got carried away with enjoy

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seagull-scribbles · 8 months

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I want you to tell ‘em that you love the way that they don’t stick out like sore middle fingers

[Continuation of this]

#TMNT 2012 #casey jones 2012 #raphael hamato #rasey #this is platonic again but I’m not against romantic subtext or whatever #when I was in school being able to do this with your hand was super cool and I often still do it with both #but I’ve met both adults and kids who’ve never seen it before and it freaks them out ahaha #anyway I was jus thinking of hands again and this is a warm up sketch #but i do think thee two would have heart to hearts on rooftops sometimes and really open up #maybe theyre sat next to eachother and raph looks at his thigh next to Casey’s and gets self conscious #maybe one of them was hurt in a fight (probably Casey) and theyre patching eachother up and they just start exploring their differences #or maybe its something as simple as raph asking casey if he was Tarzan and the scene with the hands and Casey’s like yo we can do that #or even more childish theyre just doing it to see who’s hands bigger because Casey’s sister has been doing it a lot and its fun #because let me tell you it doesnt matter how old the kids i work with are they all love comparing my hand with theirs #but i imagine Raphs eyes for a second would give away hes upset a little cause he’s definitely the most self conscience about being a mutant #so Casey would do this and be like ahh look see we arent that different really #raph could bend his fingers to emphasise how much shorter Casey’s are #and cause would say something like these digits might be small but theyre mighty #leading to a shove or even a thumb war or something #anyway ill stop gushing i have a comission to do xxx #OH OH OH THE BITE MARK ON CASEY IS BECAUSE A MUTUAL COMMENTS ABOUT EATING MY RASEY ART SO THATS THEIR TEETH but im not naming names....

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zaras22 · 1 year

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I have been thinking about Sallione of Aureos…

#she is so… ugh jsdknkvhjsdbhvhbe you have no idea #I‘ve been thinking about giving her some sort of backstory that would explain why she is like she is #like… a traumatic one #but #the thought of her just being like she is because she just.. is #is more fun in my opinion #why try to redeem her??#it’s not like I hate her as a character I think that she gives me a lot of ideas to explore #like: her relationship with Summer. her view of this world. of her people. what does she care about?#what is something that she couldn’t care less for?#but I think that by keeping her like she is and not going out of my way to make her a good person is just more interesting #I could make her an extremely complicated character and I love the thought of that #idk if I can pull it off but…#I can try!!#and also… I need to figure out what Summer thinks of her #like… their relationship is complicated… but that’s the only fact that I’m sure of #why is it complicated?#and… what does she think of her father?#anyways this is what I do instead of writing the actual story #if anyone actually reads this then.. thank you #I think I have a certain miss Sallione to draw…#talking #oc

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artificial-condition · 9 months

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Having a gap year was really great for me because it was the first time in my adult life that I was able to just sit with myself. Figure myself out. Work on myself. Even though I had been an adult for several years, I feel like I really matured in my year of nothing. I now feel much more firm in who I am, even with opposition; I have always been a big pushover, letting other people do whatever they wanted and letting my desires go to the side, but now I am much more likely to assert what I want and tell people no. I’ll just do and be without analyzing what others want or expect of me, and it’s so refreshing to let that go. People really do grow in the cracks

#my thoughts #I’ve worked on myself mentally #I feel like a fortress but not one with huge spikes and a dangerous moat to keep people out (like before when I was so afraid of people)#(because they could hurt me)#but instead I am like a fortress in that I am well built and stable and not easily knocked over #I built a little bridge over my moat that’s open on Tuesdays and Thursdays (and alternating Saturdays :D)#but also I’ve just really taken time to build habits like eating things (when I actually need to) that are sustaining #and got glasses for my eyesight to reduce headaches #finally went to the doctor and got migraine medication #went to the doctor TWICE MORE and tried different ones #made sure I got consistent sleep #learned how to balance productivity and fun so that I’m not wearing myself out to the point of dropping from exhaustion or a headache #I learned to listen to my body #I explored my sense of fashion!!!! which I didn’t think I cared too much about before!!!#(this was due to seeing fashion in the lens of my body not fitting into the things I liked therefore not thinking fashion was something for #me. but I pushed my boundaries and started wearing things that seemed fun ANYWAY and stopped caring about if it was *right* and #started thinking of it as a way to HAVE FUN and EXPRESS MYSELF)#(I *knew* that fashion was a form of self expression but I didn’t really get it until this past year.)#anyway. it’s been a good year in hindsight even though throughout it I had flashes of panic thinking I wasn’t going anywhere #but I grew in a different way sitting still than in the years I was *moving forward*#I’m ready to move now and I have new life skills to bring with me :)

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torgawl · 6 months

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when will genshin give us any sort of information on the underground intelligence network? we don't even have a name for it... GIVE US A CRUMB. A SINGLE ONE, I BEG.

#like. okay they just dropped that an underground mysterious group was watching diluc go rampant around teyvat against the fatui and were #like omg slayyy and he got into the organisation and reached the upper ranks and then they dipped #who are these people?? what's their goal?? how come there's members willing to sacrifice their identity and previous lives to be a part #of it?? i am on my knees begging for something more about them 😩#if we don't find out who the msyerious man that saved diluc and introduced him to the organisation is what even is the point #seriously though how come this organisation is so vast and up to all the nation's business but so far we have NOTHING on it besides what #we know from diluc's lore??#it's kind of bonkers if you think about it actually #being anti-fatui and being so incredibly resourceful and seemingly powerful since they saved diluc's life and diluc himself is quite the #unusual person strength wise #obviously we don't know what happened but it's just so intriguing #i wonder if other characters could work for the organisation too?!#i want to know how this organisation was formed so bad #i think the motive for their existence intrigues me so much because i'm so sure the fatui and the tsaritsa aren't the bad guys #obviously they do a lot of questionable things and it's fair that people like diluc and others that have been hurt by them want to #bring justice into the world but i doubt the tsaritsa has bad intentions #i think that's also why i like the theory of crepus being the missing harbinger só much #i would pay so much for diluc to have a realisation moment in regards to his father and the fatui #i just think that sort of character exploration would be so much fun #but regardless of that i am gnawing at hoyoverse front door pleading for more on the underground organisation #truly one of the things i'm most curious about in genshin

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ajdrawshq · 7 months

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im glad that despite being on the backburner for . years. i can still think of my main aus like i never stopped :] kh on the brain forever

#looked thru one of my note for the pmd au and immediately got new ideas for it . i am so fucking back #made me wanna expand whats going on w Terra n Aqua since they dont have much going on besides. well. be legendaries basically #(they take the roles of rescue team Groudon n Kyogre as well as Latios n Latias in psmd. n technically also Entei for Terra in psmd)#that seems like a lot but i know what im doing i swear 👍#maybe i should find a way to include the khdr kids since i havent gotten to that yet.. could be fun #oh ! also been working on ways to connect Terra w Ansem n Xemnas :] probably gonna be more canon-esque than most other things #but it kinda works w the rescue team part of the timeline #and i really need to figure out how exactly to work around Xehanort bc of what he can and does do both in canon and taking his role here..#ironically these things are also backed up by pmd iq groups . now that i think abt it #i also need yo do more work on the psmd part of the timeline since its arguably the most altered part so far #since i dont really cover gates or rescue team anyway . explorers and super just connect a lil too well #i mean tbf gates and super are way too easy to also connect to each other bc like. come on.#but who would be the duo for that .. or maybe it could be earlier in the pmd timeline than it is .. hm.#that Could line up a something else i have planned actually. could be funky. theres two (2) different duos i have in mind #maybe more depending on who else i could slap in here #ok yeah. i have objectively the funniest duo to put in gates. thats happening now <3

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jestiamy · 10 months

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I don't know if I've ever mentioned this before, but Venera's name actually means venus. which, while not seeming overtly necessary information at first glance, actually is something I was losing my mind over yesterday because. the three brightest objects in the sky, in order, are the sun, the moon, and venus.

#venus as a planet does not symbolize love to me it symbolizes conflict and subtle deviations from the 'norm' and change and and #(venus is the closest planet to earth's size and conditions ; yet it reminds incredibly hostile because of overheating.)#it also has been suggested that while life COULD have existed on venus at some point #it heated so much it's not plausible as of now #venus actually informed a lot about our knowledge of what global warming would do in the like. 1970s.#venus. also spins clockwise on it's axis. and while we don't know the exact reason for this a long held theory is that -#- venus had been hit by a planet sized object ; and that irreversibly changed it's direction of rotation forever.#and all of this is something I tell to you to finally explain how mitski's #“venus; planet of love; was destroyed by global warming. did it's people want too much too? did it's people want too much?”#is something that hasn't left my mind for antag!venera since I remembered it exists.#I feel like I talk about antag!v more then normal!v but you need to understand #v is like. happy. and normal. antag v has been living in a cave for one thousand years. one of these are just more fun to explore.#saying stuff #oc things #fallout: canon aligned venera #also yeah if you don't get the caption swk is the brightest thing and then macaque is in his shadow and stuff.#but at least he gets mentioned. it's “the sun and moon” not. “the sun; moon; and. venus.'#despite venus. being one of the brightest objects in the sky. and also being considered incredibly important across many cultures for that.#I think thoughts

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bunnyb34r · 7 months

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Dishes finally done after 3 days 👍

Finally sent in promo images for craft show (god I hope I'm not too late) after a full week 👍

#i hate how long it took me to do these things man #like i think i need to up my meds or something but im hesitant to do that bc i dont wanna like speedrun my tolerance yknow?#anyway im hoping its just burnout bc i am starting to feel more me #like i was verbal stiming today! i havent in like a month at LEAST and ive been singing here and there which i used to do constantly #like i used to drive around just to listen to my cds and sing as loud as i could and explore town shhshdh #but ive been quiet and just... not quite nonverbal but like if i didnt absolutely have to talk i wouldnt no infodumping ect #god is this autistic burnout and not regular burnout?#i felt like a song bird that was caged up and just slowly stopped singing and became quiet and sad :(#not like depression but like the physical aspects of depression yknow?#marquilla #anyway im glad im starting to feel ME again and stimming bc i really like verbal stimming like repeatibg a word #like that oshawatt video sgdgdgd thats me i love it its so fun

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brittlebutch · 2 years

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think it’s kind of funny how hard s12 tried to go in on the Wash-Locus Soldier parallel when i think you’d be hard pressed to find a period of wash’s career where he Ever unquestioningly followed orders

Like, even in his run of the mill military career he got court martialed for wounding/killing his CO who ordered his squad into what would have been a suicide mission. When Price interviews him about joining freelancer Wash undoubtedly Understands that he’s being blackmailed even as he’s grateful for the intervention; he doesn’t ever seem to question the work he’s doing there But he also doesn’t seem to have any qualms with the Years he spent working as a Recovery agent with the Explicit intention of ratting them out and fucking them over the moment he got the evidence he needed. he wasn’t under orders when he went after epsilon; it was his idea, and His bargaining chip And he was totally willing to spit in the face of it when he planned on handing over the busted storage unit. fuck even when Carolina comes back he listens to her until he decides he doesn’t want to anymore and then he pulls a gun on her and bails. Wash literally Could Not give a shit about orders lmao, he’s just Out There

#N posts stuff #Wash and Felix MIGHT have been more interesting #in the sense that they’re both Dramatic AND revenge-motivated #wash’s anger issues/revenge-seeking gets Touched on with stuff like cecil kyle #but it’s never really Explored to like ‘how Far would wash have been willing to go?’#he hurt people and was willing to kill himself/others (tho none of them actually died. save alpha i guess)#but what IF he hadn’t been interrupted by the reds and blues? how far off rails would he have gone??#That could have been fun. the soldier stuff just seems weak as hell to me lol #but hey i mean. if someone else has noticed something i haven’t i’d be interested to hear it #i’m doing my first rewatch in a While and i’ve only just finished the part One compilation; so maybe i’m jumping the gun lol #rvb #N watches stuff #fuck dude i’ve even been thinking about Wash and Tex a lot lately ; they’d be an interesting parallel to explore too #(but maybe i’m mildly biased bc i’m insane about church/wash. who’s to say

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trashlie · 2 years

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Thank you for answering my asks! I agree, Alyssa wanting to belong to something bigger to fill in a void of loneliness sounds like a better fit than simply being an attention seeker solely for the sake of validity.

I've been thinking of what will happen after Alyssa's bullying scandal is exposed and I'm starting to wonder if Shinae's bullying accusations will be brought up in tandem. Both girls covered in similar rumors and confronting a shared past, highlighting a key difference between them: true friendship. Which I hope is one of the possible or many catalysts for Alyssa.

No matter what reputation she gains in public, Shinae will be surrounded by her friends who genuinely know and support her. A full on Shinae Defense Squad! Meanwhile, Alyssa will have a fan base turning against her, except for the stans who have a parasocial relationship towards her.

So, what will Alyssa do when she's cornered again? Will she dig her heel in, clinging to all these strangers who only see her as an image, in a desperate attempt to not lose all she has left? Or will she realize all of her former friends are standing together while she has no one and have a wake up call? 1/2

You're totally welcome! I say it all the time but it's true: I get so excited that anyone wants to talk to me about this series and reads my really long, rambling thoughts lol. I'm always happy to answer asks and share my thoughts and ideas!

I'm putting the second half of your ask under the cut. While it's not totally spoilery, it still mentions FP content so we'll be safe and throw it all under the cut!

(This is a bit fast pass spoilery). Then what if the rumors of her sexuality come to light and they step in to protect her. Will she realize it then? What she truly lost was not fame? 2/2

So I, and many others, probably including you, have figured that if Alyssa has a big career-changing scandal, it will likely be about bullying allegations, because that's a big deal in Korea and it can really make or break someone's career, especially if it's true. But I won't lie - ep 196 made pause and wonder if it could be worse. Now, I'm going to straight up say, I really, really, really hope if it turns out Alyssa is, in fact, queer, I really hope she is not outed via a scandal, but also.... it would be one way to ruin her career, wouldn't it? It just doesn't sit well with me - I'd rather she get to embrace that herself one day than have it outed against her will. For that reason, I like to hope that it will be just bullying rumors.

Once upon a time, I had written about how I thought there was a possibility that if Alyssa's past came to light, Nol might see himself in her, but that was long before he finally talked to Shinae, so, lol I think that's all out the window! He's really been giving me whiplash this last year lol. That said, I've never considered if it would wind up involving Shinae. Part of me is inclined to think no, it wouldn't, because she's not the one who is in the limelight, but the more I think about it, the more I think it would at least involve her at the "local" level - whether it's just that someone slips up and says something, that the news reveals enough details to connect to Shinae, whether Alyssa herself actually names her. It certainly wouldn't be Alyssa's finest hour, that's for sure.

As always, I think these scenarios always depend on variable factors - like would Nol still be "dating" Alyssa at the time of the scandal, for instance. I still think there's an opportunity for Nol to see himself in Alyssa, especially because we still don't know what his altercation with Kousuke was like (was he provoked, was he cornered, was he acting out of malice or was it an accident?). I don't think it has to be either or, though, right? He can both see himself in Alyssa and what sympathize with what it's like to be painted as something you aren't, cornered into something you never meant to, while also acknowledging he is trying to be above all that - you know, supposing that's his choice. I still don't know if we are getting the antihero arc that everyone has anticipated for Nol, since I feel like the big emphasis on Shinae revealing to Nol how she mirrors him is meant to imply that he may try to find a way to leave all of that behind, and to be a version of himself that he chooses to be, as opposed to the one he's been painted as. But what I'm getting at is, I think there's yes the potential that while he could sympathize with Alyssa, he could also be part of a support system to Shinae, because humans are complex. But I think that could flip a switch for Alyssa.

Again, there's a lot of factors here, like... she and Nol have discussed the nature of their relationship, so there's no real expectation that he would take her side just because she's his girlfriend or anything, and they already have a lot of contention between them, but I think there's still room for to feel... I don't think betrayed is the right word because that's a little dramatic, but I think there's a lot of complicated emotions that could arise from that, right? Picture it from Alyssa's angle: she wound up wrapped up in something she never intended and was desperate trying to save face even though her choices were not the kindest, they were what she thought was right in the moment, and in the end she wound up hurting someone she (presumably) never intended to hurt, did something she never meant to do. And though she's not in love with Nol, and maybe they aren't even truly friends, wouldn't you feel some kind of complex feelings akin to betrayal for him to support the person directly involved with this? It's an interesting scenario and I DO like to hope it would make her think about true friendship. I can't say I'm confident it could make her reassess her approaches, but that's more because I cannot say I'm confident about anything Alyssa might do lol. In such a scenario, I'd hope she'd finally understand what it means to have a handful of people in your corner, rather than a lot of people who only care about one facet of you, a persona that may not even be real. In fact, I think this would be SUCH an interesting thing to explore, but I don't think we'll really get a chance to without adding 3 more years to the story lol, but isn't there something compelling in that kind of lonely story? Once again, this is a reason I've really come to love Alyssa as a character - there is SO MUCH that can be done with her!

I do think, though, you are right in that it needs to be more than just that fall from grace and finding herself alone - being juxtaposed against someone like Shinae who would have people supporting her, reassuring her. It's one of the best ways for her to really face that void she's trying to fill and finally understand what she really seeks.

Now, trying to tie this back into the sexuality, god, if done right, it could be so tender, couldn't it? I know I said I'm opposed to Alyssa being outed by someone else, because it doesn't sit right with me, and that's such a dangerous thing for someone if they are surrounded by people who don't support her, but also a story is not about the "right" choices because as we've learned lol in general, people do NOT make the right choices. So the idea of Alyssa being outed but defended by people who she doesn't have a good track record with, because they are, at heart, good people who think it's unfair to do that to someone, to reveal something so private before they are ready, makes me want to cry, frankly lol. For Alyssa, she'd be getting another taste of what she lost, of what she has willingly thrown away, and yes, I think that could actually do a good job of making her see that.

Ultimately a thought I have about most characters (and, frankly, people in general) is that often we have to go through something to change, or to finally see and face the ugly in ourselves, to address something we've been avoiding, to take on something we are running from. It is human nature to be so wrapped up in our own experiences that we forget others have experiences and biases of their own. For Nol to change, to be more honest with himself, he essentially had to "lose it all". To be fair, he sort of threw in the towel himself, decided to be exactly what he's been painted as and give up his efforts to try to have a better life - but that's still prompted by two points of "failure". He was a good person at the formal, tried to save a friend, and in the end he couldn't do it and she got hurt, plus the drug and assault charges. He was pushed to the brink and even when being a person who cars, even when being a good friend, it backfired. Likewise, it blew up his option to go away and escape, to attend his father's alma matter and not only prove to everyone he was more than they believed he was, but to find peace for a while. For him, he lost things because he dared to defy this life so he decided to concede, and in conceding he loses his escape, his chance to maybe make his father proud, and he lost his friends, because in his eyes he was not worthy of them and would only endanger them. Only then, after listening to Shinae's desperate attempts to lure him out, when lmao attacked by her cat, the final straw!!! Did he come out - and he had no intention of coming clean to Shinae, she just happened to overhear him!

I think it will be the same for Alyssa and Kousuke - that they cannot simply wake up and decide to change, or see themselves for what they are. They have to reach a point that forces them to contend with that. It's so easy to say "Why can't Alyssa just realize that fame is not the same as friendship", but someone who has conflated friendship with idolization isn't going to see it the same. Someone who has believed that popularity feels more secure cannot see that for themselves. Logically, she knows the love her fans have towards her is conditional. That's the whole point of that incident with the fans that spotted her out with Nol - even though Nol is right to tell them off for bothering her after she politely told them she can't take a picture, she also knows that fans will only give you their support as long as they like you. Refuse their whims and they'll take to the internet to trash you to anyone who will listen. She knows that's not real love, but it's all she has so she's clinging to it. What will prompt her to change, otherwise?

The more I ramble about this lol the more I think you are right: she has to see that hollow popularity foiled against true friendship, and maybe even be reminded of what it feels like, what it's like to be supported unconditionally. Even though I've repeated that I don't want her outed against her will, I cannot deny how much I would love to see at least Nol and Shinae try to protect her. I love the complexity of it - that they are both people she has hurt in some way, that she has used in some way, but could still be allies to her. Shinae has made it clear that her feelings about Alyssa are complex - that though she doesn't seem to hold a grudge, the weight of what transpired between them still weighs heavy on her and what she really wants is clarity, to clear the air and understand. There's something painful and messy about being defended by people you feel guilt and regret towards, especially as people who probably offered some of the truest friendship she's know. (I mean, I say this loosely because, again, Nol lol likely befriended Alyssa for his quest for absolution and while he didn't intend to truly be their friend, he still was a good friend to them?) I guess what I'm getting at is: I love those complex, nuanced kinds of events, where maybe they will never become friends again, but maybe the genuine act of defending her could be the thing that makes her want to be a better person, to form real friendships and be her honest self. I hope Alyssa sometimes thinks about the first friend she made in middle school, who thought everything about her that other kids might find weird was cool, and feels some kind of regret.

lol as always this has gone on a whole tangent that was not intended but also, as always, these kinds of asks get me thinking about a lot of things! Frankly, I do not know what to expect of the second half of ILY. I don't know where we will leave the story in the present, or what we'll be set up for then, but I hope that when we see the characters as adults, we may get to see more of that complexity, of exploring and overcoming the things that have been holding you back. Alyssa is an extremely unlikeable character for good reason, but I just can't help but want to continue to see her involved in a big way, you know? There's just something so COMPELLING about her relationships with everyone!

Now lol with all that said, I will fully acknowledge that I think there IS a good chance that Alyssa could dig her heels in, because as I've said before, it is very likely that not all characters will overcome their pasts. Again, we see it with grown adults every day of life - that we are shaped by experiences and by our willingness to learn and unlearn. Is Alyssa willing to let something go or would she decide to push back and fight it, to find a way to shift blame, which would only get netizens more fired up. I WANT Alyssa to make some non-shitty choices for once, but that doesn't mean that's the arc she's on lol. I would not be surprised in the least if she found a way to try to deflect lol. Just, yknow. A resigned sigh like yup that's her lol. Flawed people can die flawed without making attempts to change, and I don't want that for her but look, sometimes that's life.

Man, this took me so long to answer and I apologize! My brain has been running away all week ;_____; some days I can sit down and bang out a response, other days the words are all jumbled in my head and it feels like I have to make a game of stringing them together since I can't telepathically write my responses. But as always, thank you for this ask and indulging in my love of Not Great Women characters lmao

#I Love Yoo #ILY Spoilers #ILY FP #ILY Brainrot #Alyssa Cho #Shinae Yoo #this is really only semi related but i gotta say: every time i answer asks like this it makes me wish i was capable of writing fic lol #there's so many things i think would be fun to explore in characters in universe but i just don't have the brains to think about where i #think this story is going and where i could set them TO explore that #i would LOVE to explore Alyssa facing the loneliness of a life she doesn't love yknow?#i'm still convinced she's an idol only for some other reasons - that maybe she thought being a trainee would boost her popularity and she #never intended to actually debut but yui came along and pulled some strings and now she's stuck doing something she doesn't love and never #wanted? GOD. that there are kids who would KILL to be in her role and she feels like she was pushed into it when she didn't truly want it?#that she's been performing so long she doesn't know how to be herself or if her true self even exists anymore - if she ever did?#or that maybe writing and composing is the only time she feels truly in touch with what she wants #idk maybe she HAS come to love performing! she was so excited to perform their new song and so mad Nol ruined the night but also #that could just be because it was a song SHE wrote something that's close to her something more in tune with her and she was upset he #ruined the night because it was supposed to be her big moment and now it's forever tainted #(plus yknow despite the fake dating i think she liked that he attended the party because it made her feel like maybe they were friends #again. so finding out he didn't even want to be there that there was somewhere else he wanted to be MORE hurt because it meant she was not #his first choice. it meant her friendship didn't mean anything or matter you know?)#GOOOOOOOOD i miss being confident in my writing because it would be SO satisfying to explore I JUST. LOVE TO EXPLORE EMOTIONS esp for #things that may never come to be stories that may not be what is really being told you know?#anyway as always thanks for enjoying my extreme rambling lmao

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i-deserve-to-bite · 20 days

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#i wish i wasn't so disgusting agh #i want to be able to explore that stuff because oh fun cool however #im hungry #im sad #my head hurts #and i am. very gross.#very shameful/ashamed/ shame?? in general i guess and i Really hate that because it presses me to that awful 'bad dog' feeling #just a little #i want to puke #i hate our body agh #i wish i was better with touch and trust and i wish i could remember things #its all very awful #i feel like one of these days im going to die #i dont know why but #that thought has been persisting a lot recently #i dont want to die #i want to thrive but ive been so tired and time is so confusing and even things i want to do things i know i want to do seem unappealing #and my attempts at fixing that leave me very. blah #i think theres something wrong with body but i dont know what and im scared to bother someone about it #its been hard to breathe recently #or atleast uncomfortable

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bootlegspiders · 8 days

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Hey, so for Watcher fans who may not wanna pay for another subscription or just wanna watch something new here are some other youtubers you should take a look at if you want to get a spook or learn some history

(* = potentially triggering topics covered usually associated with crimes, so be careful)

Ghost Hunting and general spooky vibes:

AmysCrypt - Your typical ghost hunting show with two Australians traveling the world, though I will say they do go to places I've never heard of before and they do very good research. And there are some goofs along with the spooks.

The Ouija Brothers - Two British dudes finding ghosts in England. The vibes are generally pretty chill and it's a good time

The Paranormal Scholar - A mixed bag of all paranormal happenings from ghosts to demons to cryptids and aliens. Sort of an overview to deepdives on various paranormal occurrences. The research is immaculate and their voice is very soothing in my opinion.

Paranormal Quest - Ghost hunting in the US, sometimes goofy sometimes serious, but they do go to some interesting places and some familiar ones too

Weird History:

ObsoleteOddity* - This guy is great, like 80% of the things he covers I've never heard of before. Very atmospheric, fun little visuals, and a large variety of weird events and people for topics.

Georgia Marie* - A little bit of everything, but she focuses on strange things that have happened, lgbt history, true crime, and historical disasters. She covers enough of everything that I'm sure you'll find something

Stefanie Valentine* - I'm not sure if she even posts anymore, but I thought what she was doing was great. Think Vampira or Elvira but for older true crime and ghost stories, I think the latest covered would have been like early 1900s. Idk I just thought it was like a cute spooky lil storytime

Caitlin Doughty or Ask A Mortician* - Pretty sure y'all would know who she is but just in case, she's a mortician who covers topics relating to death! From odd ways people have died, or odd things that have happened to people after they've died. And just odd or tragic things that have happened through history. It's silly, but done with levity and care and respect the topics deserve.

General History:

Part-Time Explorer - Mostly history on ships and ghost towns with the occasional train. Lots of research and interviews, very well done and worth checking out even if it may not be your thing.

History's Forgotten People - Talks about sometimes obscure, or sometimes not, historical individuals. Even if you've heard of the person in the topic, they'll talk on something obscure about that person.

History Tea Time with Lindsay Holiday - A heavy focus on royalty around the world, a generally upbeat dive into historic individuals.

(Or you could always go watch time team, that's an option and it's my guilty pleasure love me some archeology)

True Crime:

There are so many out there, so I'll just recommend two of my favorites

Gabulosis* - She focuses on vintage cases 20 years or older (literally in her opener) and is well researched and respectful. Another one that talks on cases I've never heard of that deserve to be heard.

Mysterious WV* - True crime and missing persons based in the West Virginia area and neighboring states. Idk how to even explain the vibes. This guy is just great please watch him trust me you won't be disappointed.

That's all for now, feel free to add your own recs out there!

#or you can just go watch night mind lol #watcher #ghost files #mystery files #puppet history #too many spirits #youtube recommendations #youtube recs #ghost hunting #history #true crime #let me know if you want any more

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sarahreesbrennan · 3 months

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Are all the themes in “in other lands” supposed to be a commentary on something? Or do you just like writing sex scenes between minors, age gaps, and reverse misogyny?

Genuine question.

Ohhh, my dear anon, I don't believe this is a genuine question.

But it does bring up something I've been meaning to talk about. So I'll take the bait.

Firstly. Yes, my work contains a commentary on the world around us. I wonder what I could be doing with the child soldiers being sexually active in their teens (people hook up right after battles), and the age gap relationship ending in the younger one being too mature for the elder. What could I possibly have been attempting when I said 'how absurd gender roles are, when projected onto people we haven't been accustomed by our own society to see that way'? I wasn't being subtle, that's for sure.

Secondly. Yes I do enjoy writing! I think I should, it's my life's work. Am I titillated by my own writing, no - though I think it's fine to be. The sex scenes of In Other Lands aren't especially titillating, to be honest. It is interesting to me how often people sneer at women for writing romance and sex scenes, having 'book boyfriends,' insinuating women writers fancy their own characters. Women having too much immoral fun! Whereas men clearly write about sex for high literary purposes.

… I have to say from my experience of women and men's writing, I haven't found that to be true.

I’m not in this to have an internet argument. I prefer to leave my anons open since not everyone has a tumblr, as @neil-gaiman says it’s an internet backwater, but a lovely one for those like myself who enjoy an essay about fictional characters! Still I will close my inbox to anons if I must. Mostly people use bad faith takes to poke at others from the other side of a screen for kicks. But I do know some truly internalise the attitude that writing certain things is wrong, that anyone who makes mistakes must be shunned as impure, and that is a deeply Victorian and restrictive attitude that guarantees unhappiness.

I've become increasingly troubled by the very binary and extreme ways of thinking I see arising on the internet. They come naturally from people being in echo chambers, becoming hostile to differing opinions, and the age-old conundrum of wanting to be good, fearing you aren't, and making the futile effort to be free of sin. It makes me think of Tennyson, who when travelling through Ireland at the time of the Great Famine, said nobody should talk about the 'Irish distress' to him and insisted the window shades of his carriage be shut as he went from castle to castle. So he wouldn't see the bodies. But that didn't make the bodies cease to be.

In Les Mis, Victor Hugo explores why someone might steal, what that means about them and their circumstances, and who they might be - and explores why someone else is made terribly unhappy, and endangers others, through their own too rigid adherence to judgement and condemnation without pity. The story understands both Jean Valjean the thief and Javert the policeman. Javert’s way of thinking is the one that inevitably leads to tragedy.

Depiction isn't endorsement. Depiction is discussion.

Many of my loved ones have had widely varying relationships to and experience of sex (including 'none'). They've felt all different types of ways about it. If writing about them is not permissible, I close them out. I'd much rather a dialogue be open than closed.

I do understand the urge to write what seems right to others. I've been brain-poisoned that way myself. I used to worry so much about my female characters doing the wrong things, because then they'd be justly hated! Then I noted which of my writer friends had people love their female characters the most - and it was the one who wrote their female characters as screwing up massively, making rash and sometimes wrong decisions. Who wrote them as people. Because that's what people do. That's what feels true to readers.

I want my characters to feel true to readers. I want my characters to react in messy ways to imperfect situations. I love fantasy, I love wild action and I love deep thought, and I want to engage. That's what In Other Lands is about. That's even more what Long Live Evil is about. That sexy lady who sashays in to have sexy sex with the hero - what is her deal? Someone who tricks and lies to others - why are they doing that, how did they get so skilled at it? What makes one person cruelly judgemental, and another ignore all boundaries? What makes Carmen Maria Machado describe ‘fictional queer villains’ as ‘by far the most interesting characters’? What irritates people about women having a great time? What attracts us to power, to fiction, and to transgression?

I don’t know the answers to all those questions, but I know I want to explore them. And I know one more thing.

If the moral thing to do is shut people out and shut people up? Count me among the villains.

#bookblr #discourse #in other lands #long live evil #les mis #carmen maria machado #writing

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norrizzandpia · 30 days

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So American (OB38)

Summary: To the song So American by Olivia Rodrigo. In which a Brit and an American fall so deeply in love with each other.

Warnings: suggestive scenes, language, so much fluff omg, reader is from America (specifically California), reader wants to be a writer and loves Jane Austen, reader loves London, idk if you can tell yet but this is HEAVILY indulgent, reader goes to University of San Francisco (that part is not self indulgent lol)

Note: I couldn’t help myself ive had this idea for too long, my debut Ollie Bearman fic! I hope you like it because i do 🤭

Eighteen and baby-faced, Y/n thought her trip to London with her best friends would be fun and outrageous. She expected when they touched down in Heathrow that the trip would bring countless amounts of unique memories. It was part of their celebration of completion in their first year in college, a week-long trip to one of their favorite places to welcome the desperately needed summer.

None of them expected for Y/n to slam into a tall body when they were running to a musical before the doors closed and none of them expected that tall body to be that of another eighteen year old who found the short, American girl too cute to tear his eyes away from.

Ollie hadn’t been expecting much when he decided to take a day trip into London, wanting to spend the day wandering around one of his favorite cities. Though, when his eyes graced him the vision of y/h/c hair and a flushed girl frazzled in front of him, he knew it would be one to remember.

She was short, almost too short as his neck craned down to meet her eyes and the two murmured out apologies as he knelt down to pick up her bag that had dropped when they both rounded the same corner too fast.

Her ID slipped out, California’s name in bold letters right at the top and made Ollie laugh.

”American?” He smiled as Y/n’s friends glanced at each other from the side.

Y/n grinned, “Yep, American.”

Part of him knew getting into business with someone who lived on another continent couldn’t be smart, but he couldn’t bear to think of not seeing her again. Her beauty struck him and there were no thoughts in his mind when he asked for her number when she mumbled something about having to leave.

Y/n’s wide eyes turned around to meet his once more, “My number?”

Ollie nodded, his hand in his pocket and clutching his phone, “Your number.”

Her friends behind her giggled before shoving her toward the British boy who they had no idea was not your average or normal eighteen year old. Y/n took his phone lightly and pressed the correct digits. When she returned it, her name staring back at him, he blushed, “Y/n. That’s cute.”

Her cheeks warmed just like his as her friends began tugging on her hand and yelling about making the showtime, “What’s your name?!” She yelled as they dragged her away.

He waved with a beam, “Ollie!”

Ollie. That’s cute.

—

That summer, Y/n never went back to California. The moment she began talking with Ollie and he began taking her out on dates before she was supposed to leave, she knew there would be no way she could leave him. She canceled her flight back after Ollie had begged her to stay, and told her friends they needed to go back without her, that there was something more she needed to explore in London.

The girls had anticipated it, honestly. When they had seen the dazed grin on their friend’s face every time she came back from seeing the boy, they knew there was not enough willpower to hold her back from changing plans.

She would come back for the next school year, but it was clear if things went well, which they seemed they would be, she would stay for the summer.

And that she did.

Ollie forced her around all of England, showing her his favorite nooks and crannies of the country he grew up in. They would spend hours in his car as he drove her around, to the end of the country and back, just so she could experience his favorite view too. Their moments spent together forced the two to get to know each other wholly. Y/n found out about his racing career, gaped at him when he mentioned his Formula 1 race, and Ollie found out about her mundane life as a student at University of San Francisco. Honestly, he loved how regular she was. He craved her stories of college parties and nights spent up until three AM trying to turn in a paper. He loved her life stories. She loved his. They made for a good duo.

When the end of the two months drew near, tears were shed and words of distance were stressed. As they stood at the entrance to Heathrow, Ollie held Y/n in his arms and promised to find another time for her to come visit him, or one where he would come visit her. He was insistent and while they wouldn’t say it then, they were already in love.

That proved true a few months later, after calls and texts back and forth, when Y/n turned up at Heathrow once more. She was on Christmas break, one that granted her time to see her boyfriend, and while her family had been supportive of her skipping the holiday to go see someone that clearly made her so happy, she still felt a bit guilty to cancel. Though, that feeling diminished when she descended down the escalator and found Ollie holding a large sign with her name on it in pinks and greens, a large smile on his face as she yelped out and sprinted toward him.

“OLLIE!” Her bags dropped and she flew into his arms as he yelled her name back, the sign he had worked so hard on thrown to the floor the moment she got close.

He kissed her cheek and the two were looked upon adoringly by bystanders in the airport as he gently set her down on the ground, kissing her softly and whispering how much he had missed her.

When he led her out of the doors, all her belongings in his hands, they smiled brightly at each other as if to confirm how much they would make this month worth their while.

—

Drivin’ on the right-side road, he says I’m pretty wearin’ his clothes. And he's got hands that make hell seem cold. Feet on the dashboard, he’s like a poem I wish I wrote. I wish I wrote.

Ollie clutched Y/n’s thigh as he drove to their favorite spot, one he had shown her during the summer. Her head lulled to the side, staring at him lightly and lovingly right when he glanced at her, his eyes roaming over her body.

Her eyebrows pulled together, “What?”

He smirked, “You look pretty wearing my clothes.” His fingers traced up her stomach to tug on his sweatshirt that adorned her upper body. The way it draped largely over her made his heart warm and how she had the hood pulled up over her messy hair made him want to pull the car over and kiss her silly.

She looked cozy. Cozy enough that his hand traveled under the material to rest around her waist. His warm hands made her feel more sleepy, the clock in the car reading a time too early, as she cuddled further into herself. Ollie noticed the yawn that drew from her and smiled to himself, his eyes averting back to the lonely road they were on.

“Can I put my feet on the dash?” She murmured, eyes closing and head tucking further into his sweatshirt.

Ollie patted her leg, “Sure, baby. I’ll wake you up when we’re there.”

He turned the music down enough for her to find sleep again and when her phone pinged beside him, he glanced down randomly. His head had snapped back up before he could genuinely realize the notification he had seen. When it dawned on him what he might’ve seen, his eyes drifted down once more and tapped the screen to see it again.

A notification from In-n-Out stayed put on her screen and he stifled a laugh before whispering, “Oh, she’s so American.”

—

And he laughs at all my jokes and he says I’m so American. Oh God, it’s just not fair of him to make me feel this much. I’ll go anywhere he goes and he says I’m so American. Oh God, I’m gonna marry him if he keeps this shit up. I might just be in lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-love.

Ollie howled from laughter as Y/n giggled, her joke going over better than she expected. She knew it was funny, but she didn’t think the red in his face from not breathing was necessary. Still, she admired the way he admired her and went along with his hysterics. When his breathing regulated and his hunched over position came back to a seated one on the cold bench in Hyde Park, her stares were finally noticed by him.

”What?” He asked, arm wrapping around her shoulder as he shoved a piece of croissant in his mouth. He offered the last piece to Y/n and she took it, murmuring before putting it in her mouth, “Nothing. You just think I’m funny.”

Ollie’s eyebrows rose and he blew out a breath, “I think you’re hilarious.”

”I wonder how much you’ll laugh with me when you’re wasted.” Y/n’s head cocked to the side as she lost herself to thoughts.

Ollie giggled, “Probably an annoying amount when I’m pissed.”

Y/n’s jaw dropped in horror, “Not when you’re pissed! Don’t pee yourself!”

The couple turned to each other in confusion, Ollie fully taken aback, “Who said anything about peeing themselves?!”

Y/n jabbed a finger into his chest, “You did!”

Ollie pushed her softly, his hand on her waist drawing her back to him, “No, I didn’t!”

Her head fell into his chest in a fit of laughter, “Yes! I was talking about getting drunk and then you just brought up pissing yourself!”

In a moment of realization, Ollie found himself howling with laughter again. His hands clutched her frozen ones in the midst of winter before he got out, “It means the same thing! Wasted and pissed! Drunk!”

Her mouth fell open as she began to understand. Then, she pulled a face, “Why would you British people say pissed? That’s weird.”

Ollie gasped with a smile, “Hey! Don’t be rude.”

She crossed her arms, “You’re the one that insinuated peeing yourself.”

Ollie groaned and scrambled from the seat, running away from her with loud laughter, “Get away from me, American!”

She got up, rushing after him, with strangers giving them questionable looks as they began running through the bushes and trees of Hyde Park,

As she followed after him, his smile getting caught in her mind, she realized she had never felt this way about anyone. Sure, she had had guys in the past, but none of them compared to Ollie. The time they spent together, whether over the phone or in the actual presence of the other, always left her with a fuzzy feeling. A fuzzy feeling she always wanted to feel. The idea of forever was premature, but she was beginning to believe she was in love with the boy running away from her and jokingly berating her for being American. If she was in love, why not entertain the idea of marriage in her daydreams?

When she reached him, falling into his arms roughly with continued giggles, he leaned in and kissed her softly. The look in Ollie’s eyes when he pulled back made her think he might just be in love with her too.

Maybe they could entertain the idea of marriage in their daydreams together.

—

God, I’m so boring and I’m so rude. Can’t have a conversation if it’s not all about you; the way you dress and the books you read. I really love my bed, but, man, it's hard to sleep when he’s with me, when he’s with me.

Y/n brushed her teeth in the white of Ollie’s bathroom, his parents having generously let her stay in their home during her stay for Christmas. Her best friend, Charlotte, stared back at her from the phone. Their FaceTime had just started and Y/n hadn’t waited to say any greetings before jumping into rambling about Ollie.

”Charlotte, I’m so obsessed with him. I think it’s unhealthy.” She laughed, Charlotte laughing with her. Ollie eavesdropped on the other side of the door. “He’s so sweet and attentive. He remembers all the little things and even suggests things he thinks I’ll love. Which I always do. The other day, we were walking around Sussex and he saw this small book in a window and forced me into the shop. Turns out he had found a Jane Austen Pride and Prejudice First Edition. He told me he remembered how much I loved that movie and that storyline. He even referenced exact sentences that I had said in the midst of my rant about how much I love Jane Austen books. I looked at the price tag, holy shit, Char, it was so expensive. I made him leave the store immediately because the look on his face told me he needed no convincing in buying it for me. I thought I was in the clear, but apparently he’s friends with the owner of that store, so he went in early the morning after, while I was still asleep, and bought it for me. He surprised me with it along with breakfast in bed. I almost cried, Char. He’s even started reading it with me because he knows how much I love it.”

Charlotte’s eyes twinkled at the look on her friend’s face. Charlotte loved Ollie for the way he treated Y/n. “That is fucking insane. This man is in love with you, Y/n.”

Ollie’s heart exploded in his chest from the other side of the door. He had been caught.

Y/n’s whispering was loud enough for him to hear, “I think I’m in love with him too. I can’t get over his smile and his favorite pair of shoes that he most definitely needs to repurchase. I love his humor and how much he wants to make me happy. I love how he makes me feel so wanted and important. I love everything about him from his ratty Ferrari sweatshirt to the moles on his cheek.”

Ollie almost started giggling, jumping up and down like a schoolgirl, at her confession. He was ecstatic. This feeling was better than when he scored points in his first Formula 1 race. Yet, he didn’t want to let her know he knew yet. He wanted to plan something, something big that would show how serious he was about her.

The two friends hung up the phone after Y/n realized what time it was and rattled off to Charlotte about Ollie waiting for her in bed. Charlotte tried not to point out the suggestive nature of her statement, but she failed. “Use protection!” She yelped just as the phone hung up. Y/n stood in the threshold to Ollie’s bedroom, him staring back at her as the two took in Charlotte’s warning.

Ollie flopped down into the sheets, Y/n falling right into his arms. He kissed her neck and whispered, “She doesn’t need to worry. We will.”

They wouldn’t end up falling asleep until far into the night.

—

I apologize if it’s a little too much, just a little too soon, but if the conversation ever were to come up I don’t want to assume this stuff. But, ain’t it love? I think I’m in love.

Ollie couldn’t wait to tell her. Let her know that he felt the same way. And Y/n couldn’t wait to tell him about her most favorite idea, one she had come up in the wake of telling her best friend how much she loved her boyfriend. Neither of them knew the other had something so serious to discuss as they drove down the quiet street. Ollie had shoved her in the car, telling her he was taking her to a picnic under the stars. He threw his coat over her, taking his other for himself, and drove the few minutes before arriving at the open grass area near his house. He helped her out of the car, leading her to the trunk to get the box of food his mother had helped him make in preparation for this, and found a perfect spot with the clearest view of the sky.

The cold, winter air made them curl into each other, creating the perfect amount of warmth to stay. Y/n didn’t know how to breach her topic as they popped spoonfuls of soup into their mouths. Ollie beat her to it.

“Can I tell you something?” He whispered, finding her soft eyes.

She nodded, “Of course, baby.”

He sighed, putting his soup off to the side and trying to rid his body of unnecessary nerves. He knew she felt the same. Still, his hands shook slightly, not from the cold, “You have completely wrecked my life. You were so unexpected and not something I was ever anticipating, but I am so happy you fell into my life, Y/n. I will always look back on that moment at that random corner in London with so much love because…” He took a deep breath, “I love you and that was the start of you and me.”

Y/n’s face beamed and she set her soup down, throwing herself into Ollie. He fell backward, the two falling into a heap of limbs on the blanket below them. She kissed his face all over with sloppy, lovesick kisses, “Ollie! I love you too!”

He would never get over how her voice sounded whenever she said his name. Sure, she had said it in annoyed manners before when he had ticked her off, but, even then, he loved the way her accent sounded around the syllables. Never did he think he would be putting American accents first before British ones on his list of most beloved accents. Though, he was beginning to find that her smiling face was getting him to do a lot of crazy things lately. Like, buying a book worth thousands of dollars and reading it along with her. Chilling.

She tapped the back of his palms before tugging lightly on his fingers, “I have something to run past you.”

He nodded, pulling her between his legs and stroking her back. She let her legs wrap around his waist as they continued to sit on the blanket, “You know how much I want to be a writer? The reason why I’m studying English and everything?”

Ollie continued nodding, tilting his head as to tell her he had no clue where this was going.

She cleared it up quickly, however, when she nervously rambled, “What if I transferred to a UK university?”

Ollie’s heart almost flew from his chest, “Like, move here?”

She gave a small smile, “Yeah. I mean, I’ve always wanted to move here and study here. I love it here. But, now,” She kissed his lips, “I have more of a reason to. Would that be something you’d be okay with?”

He scoffed, “Would that be something I’d be okay with?! Fuck, yeah! Oh my God, Y/n, please move here. Holy shit, move here.” He begged with the cheekiest grin on his face.

She laughed, “Okay, okay. I still have to be accepted, but I have good chances with my grades and everything.”

Ollie shook her body lightly, “No, you’ll be accepted. If I start a manifestation journal specifically for this, would you judge me?”

Y/n cackled, “No, go right ahead. Tap into that spiritual force, Bearman.”

He kissed her hard, happy it seemed to work out for them. God, he wanted it to work out for them so bad.

—

ONE YEAR LATER

Y/n walked down the street to her dorm, a quizzical look etched into her face as she rounded the corner and ran into a hard body. Her eyes found his familiar ones from her position below him and his smile welcomed her home after a long day.

Ollie laughed, “We have got to stop meeting like this.”

She tucked herself under his arm as they began walking, “You just need to stop walking so fast.”

He laughed at her comment before leaning down and kissing her cheek, “How was your day?”

She groaned, “So long. English in a UK university is much more in depth than I was expecting. It puts American colleges to shame. Plus, for lunch, the waiter screwed up my order.”

Ollie frowned, “Oh, no. What’d they mess up?”

Y/n gave him a sad smile, “I asked for chips with my sandwich and they gave me French fries.”

There was silence before Ollie shook his head with a soft smile, “Baby, French fries are chips here.”

She stopped dead in her tracks, “What do you mean?”

He playfully rolled his eyes, “No one says French fries here. If you want that, it’s chips.”

She stood in front of him in a stance that suggested this was an outrage. He chuckled at her, “Then, what do I say if I want chips?!”

He pushed her hair away from her face lovingly, “Crisps, love.”

She huffed and turned away, walking down the sidewalk before he quickly caught up with her. She grumbled from under his arm, “You need to teach me these crazy discrepancies.”

Ollie nodded and kissed her hair, “It’s not my fault you’re so American, but sure, I will. We can start now.”

Apparently, that sufficed for her as she let out an agreeing noise, “Yeah, so where are we going for this date.”

He put his finger to his lips and shushed her, “No, it’s a surprise.”

Her mind loved the fact that he was so obsessed with planning their outings by himself. She loved how much he initiated everything. She had never felt so taken care of. She always envied the girls loved wholly by their boyfriends and now she had that for herself. There would be no day that would come that she took advantage of the boy she fell in love with two summers ago.

She shrugged, “You better be happy I trust you so much, I’d follow you into a dark cave without any questions.”

Ollie squeezed her, “I mean, I follow you anywhere you go, so if you’re not going into that cave, I’m not either.”

He pulled her down the stairs to the Tube as he slipped her backpack off her body and onto his. She kissed him in appreciation, “So, it’s settled. No dark caves.”

Ollie shook his head and led her to the place they needed to be. He held her hand tightly as they weaved through the crowds, his head flicking behind him to check on her frequently before just pushing her in front of him, his hands around her waist as he steered her.

When they got to their platform, he added his last thought to their conversation, “We need to get married first before wandering into dangerous caves.”

He said it so nonchalantly, it made her fall in love with him more. And when he met her eyes after he was met with silence, he found overwhelming joy within them.

He kissed her in the midst of the chaos underground, his hands cradling her face and hers loosely around his waist. They were a sight for sore eyes, but no one saw them in the midst of their special moment.

It was just for themselves and would be referred back to in the coming years as the moment where their forever really started.

Bloody hell, they were so in love.

#f1 x reader #f1 imagine #f1 fanfic #f1 fic #ollie bearman #ollie bearman x reader #ollie bearman x you #ollie bearman x y/n #ollie bearman x female reader #ollie bearman fluff #Spotify

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