#let me make perfectly clear this is about an experience i had with a CIS MAN

[airlock]

supposed to be asleep; instead thinking about what it is we really mean when we say Neurotypical and Neurodivergent

I remember mentioning those terms to a former therapist of mine (who I stopped seeing for amicable reasons, not because he was bad or anything like that), and him always finding them strange, and saying that he doesn't think there's anyone out there who would actually fit the description of Neurotypical. at the time I kinda thought he was full of it, but lately I feel I've been starting to understand what he was onto.

(something to clarify on those statements. some of you might be thinking, wait, you really had to explain to a practicing therapist what "neurotypical" and "neurodivergent" are? and others of you might be thinking, wait, how could you possibly think that your therapist, who unlike you has a degree, might have been full of it? so let me clarify on both of these fronts in one fell swoop. I've studied psychology myself for a good long while, and one thing I learned doing so is that staggeringly little of the field is actually about neurodivergent people, and what little is, rarely ever says things that are serious and sensible about them -- seriously, you would not believe the type of ignorant shit I've heard out of students and professors alike. makes it quite strange that as a society we're so stiff on the assertion that they're the sole rightful authority on neurodivergent people, no?)

the thing about it is that I'm really not quite sure I've ever met an actual neurotypical person in my life. and I know, I'm extremely online, of course the people that I hang out with are overwhelmingly depressed autistic types -- but I'm talking about more than that. I'm talking about, say, how, when earlier this year a clinician was explaining my ADHD diagnosis to me and my mother, she was seeing herself in every symptom described but also begging the clinician not to diagnose her with nothing. and y'know -- ADHD is thought to typically be genetic in nature, isn't it?

and y'know, most people are more like my mother, stubbornly refusing the idea that they might be different in some way, than like me, earnestly trying to figure out who I am, what my limitations are, and how I can live with them.

how many people are there who would seriously self-identify as Neurotypical? people who care about the distinction are overwhelmingly neurodivergent. and if Neurotypical is only ever other people, then, how do I really know that someone actually is that -- am I just assuming, when I talk to them?

and again to be clear, I'm not thinking of my obviously neurodivergent internet friends when I'm talking about this. I'm thinking about family members, I'm thinking about people I went to school with, I'm even thinking about the ones who bullied me in there. do I really know, for a fact, that any of these people are Neurotypical? if I think about it long and hard, is there not a single thing that they do that I could possibly spin into diagnosis? do I know that they don't fit in with not just not a single one of the conditions that people talk about a lot, but also with every page in the DSM? do I know, or is Neurotypical just some chimera that I'm forced to assume perhaps exists somewhere out there?

is Neurotypical like gender biology, inasmuch as not even cis people ever fit perfectly into the checklist of things that are supposed to signify a certain gender or another, much less trans people?

so I then asked myself: if I had the power to take those words two, Neurotypical and Neurodivergent, and put them up on the shelf forevermore, never to be used again -- what, if anything, would that change? would there be any experiences that can no longer be described? would anything be lost?

I came to a conclusion, in the end. and it's that, while there doesn't seem to be anyone who can aptly be described as Neurotypical, there most certainly are people who are Neurodivergent. but it's not because of the definition given -- it's not merely because some diagnosis or another described them aptly. it's because there are some people in this world who, directly or indirectly, knowingly or not on the part of their oppressors, have been othered because of their minds.

or perhaps I should say -- consistently othered because of their minds. because every once in a while, everyone puts other people up in a box that's labeled "this person does not think human thoughts in the way that I do". I don't understand how someone could be so stupid in traffic; I don't understand how someone could be so rude to a stranger; I don't understand how someone could commit murder -- things like that. but not everyone gets their lives shaped by people constantly, continuously coming to that conclusion about them, and often from a position of power.

it's really a lot like race, in a sense. race is not a concrete, material fact whatsoever. the racial role that a person is made to play can vary greatly with the context. but racism is nonetheless pervasive enough that it would be silly to tell people that race doesn't Exist in any sense. it may be a fickle, imaterial idea, but it's one that impacts people's lives for better or for worse time and time and time and time again.

similarly, it may be the best way to draw the line between Neurodivergent and Neurotypical isn't to draw the line between having or not having mental conditions, but to draw the line between people who are or are not othered because of their mental conditions.

not, mind you, that it would ever be as simple as redefining those words (or coming up with new ones) and then rigidly adhering to that definition.

firstly, because I imagine that the reason why we drew the line where it presently is, is so that no one has to play Oppression Olympics for the right to identify as Neurodivergent. I must surmise that moving it from that spot always carries the risk of inviting people to practice all sorts of disingenious gatekeeping about what does or doesn't count as a Neurodivergent Experience.

secondly, because it can be so tenuous anyway to settle on what is or isn't exactly being othered for mental conditions. we know that someone who knows of your diagnoses dropping an r-slur on you would be unambiguously that, but what about, say, all the ways that bullying kids for "being weird" often surgically targets autistic people, while seldom coming from people who do realize that the people they're targeting are in fact autistic?

and thirdly, because of how contextual these things can be. like, in school I've always been the Other because of my mind, but when I'm posting shit here on Tumblr, I'm really just one of yall, am I not? and sure, here we're all deranged weirdos anyway, but like -- are anxiety disorders more "normal" in a group of ambulance drivers than in a group of bored socialites? is depression more "normal" in a group of social workers than in a group of athletes? is autism more "normal" in IT than in a marketing studio?

so at the end of the day there are still a lot of open-ended questions I'm beholding here, but the one thing I feel I can take away for sure from these ruminations is that Neurotypical, in the way we've defined it, is almost certainly a chimera.

#my stupid text posts #I apologize if there are several points here where I jump ahead without really explaining myself properly #again I wrote this when I'm supposed to be asleep lmao

[reaperkaneki]

ok here are my Thoughts on gin noto

under cut bc it got long lol

first off, he is very strong representation. as in, i think this might be the platonic ideal of a transmasc character. which has its good points and bad.

sweet-p’s arc was rooted in some obviously transphobic jokes/points/etc but at its core, her arc felt well-intentioned and overall she was definitely portrayed as one of the most sympathetic of the musicians (who are antagonists but certainly not outright villains, which the musician route makes abundantly clear). she also is not, like, described as trans per se, mostly as a crossdresser who loves cute things and wishes she were a cute girl (so like, she’s trans) and honestly her arc is about self-image and body dysmorphia in general (weight and age and outside perception are all major factors). and that’s what sets her apart from gin, gin is very much about Gender Dysphoria And Conforming To Societal Gender Roles first and foremost.

unlike sweet-p’s writing, gin’s doesn’t have any overt flaws to point to, which is why i had to mull it over for a while to figure out what was missing, and i think it’s because it is very much aimed at a cis audience. the narrative itself is perfectly fine, it’s the meta-narrative that bothers me.

when gin confesses that irl, he was assigned female at birth and presents as female in his day-to-day life, and asks the player, does this change anything, there is a right answer and a wrong answer. the wrong answer is to tell him that you don’t care what gender he is, it doesn’t change anything at all; gin perceives this as a half-assed, dismissive response said without thinking and becomes upset and it locks you out of the rest of his character episodes. the correct answer is to tell him that you don’t know, you’re not sure. maybe it does change things between the two of you. gin feels that this is a understandable position to take, like, of course it might be a big deal, it certainly feels like a big deal to him!

and yes, to someone who hasn’t encountered a trans person before, that’s probably a reasonable response. to me, specifically, a fellow transmasc person, i think i sorta laughed at this part because, like, the only thing that would change if a coworker or friend or whatever told me that they were actually stealth trans this whole time (and that’s being generous bc gin is Not Slick lmfao the foreshadowing for him being trans is super obvious to anyone who knows) i’d be like cool! love that for you. etc etc. bc transgenderism is Normal to me.

but the game assumes You Are A Cis Person Who Isn’t Sure How To React To Trans People. the game doesn’t let you be trans. there’s not a nonbinary option, despite having a cyborg for an antagonist and, more egregiously, a canonically nonbinary character in your party. (i’d say pronouns, but that’s not quite the same in japanese.) not that i was expecting that to be possible, but it is a clear separation of gameplay and story that hinders roleplay (in an rpg where your character’s backstory is almost completely undefined)!

this is not to say that gin is poorly written. like i said, he’s like the platonic ideal of representation. he’s easy to clock specifically because his experiences ring true; he’s always, always, always overcompensating and posturing “as a man”, he’s trying to conform to his own personal image of “what men do”, “how guy friendships work”, “what guys are interested in”. when asked why he gets along with women so well, he lies and says it’s because he has an, uh, older sister! so he’s spent a lot of time around women! he dresses trendy, but not too fashionably (because that’s feminine, he’s function over form allegedly), and the cut of his clothes is soooo. well. the silhouette is masculinizing, or at least androgynous, let’s say. he even wishes he were taller.

i’m pretty sure i’ve done most of those things. this is writing that either speaks from experience or understands the prompt and has done the goddamn research.

it is, however, very, VERY cool that he actually turns out to Not Be A Man, at least in the sense he’s always wanted to be. REALLY good nonbinary arc that i wish wasn’t constrained to, like, the last two character episodes. it’s the one interesting ‘twist’, and i love that it explains a lot of things about him! when he talks about working as a woman irl and busting his ass in heels, he sounds proud, even as he admits that presenting female always made him uncomfortable. and lo and behold, his catharsis effect sports a pair of gold heels! if he was just a hypermasculine trans man, that would be super uncomfortable, as if it were some sort of transphobic indicator of his ‘true self’ being feminine. but no, it’s because he’s hiding that aspect of himself. he repressed his masculine tendencies to conform to social norms, and then inadvertently did the same to his feminine side, but both are important. he likes the heels.

i also like that he’s bi and acknowledges that his relationships never worked out bc he hadn’t figured out his shit yet. it do be like that sometimes.

unfortunately, i think he’s also kind of boring? like, besides her wanting to be a cute girl, sweet-p had other stuff going on, she had that boke/tsukkomi routine with stork, she had a genuine love for yume-kawaii (whereas while gin has many interests, a not-insignificant part of those interests is male posturing), she was even a musician! i understand that gin’s blandness is On Purpose because he dislikes rocking the boat (but he hates posers, which was a genuinely interesting reaction from him that didn’t feature as strongly in his arc as i wanted. even kiriko comments on it), but doesn’t change the fact that he ain’t weird enough! can’t even be an only sane man bc he goes along with everyone’s bs lol

anyway gin is cool and well-written as a trans character but missing a bit otherwise. i’d still definitely love to hang out and get beef bowls and boba with him :)

#im tired as shit from work so like this is rambly nonsense rather than well-written analysis #but yeah. caligula effect good #caligula effect 2 spoilers #i guess. its below a read more. #this post is for like No one but me and janelle #niche jrpgs my beloved…. niche hrpgs can save me i know it

[caspianthegeek]

Let's talk about cake...

Sometimes people tell me that you can't make a cake without eggs and milk. But I can't eat either of those, and I happen to like cake. I've had some really absolutely delicious cakes without dairy and eggs! And let me tell you, I am absolutely excited when I get to have cake I can eat. You see, it's very hard to find vegan cakes, so when I get the chance to have some it's wonderful.

My friend, @seedsofwinter, can't have almonds. So when he has cake, it can't include nuts or ingredients like almond flour.

I have friends who can't have gluten though, too. And for them? That almond flour may do the spot absolutely perfectly. It's what they need so that they can have cake!

And of course, none of this is easy cake to find. There are so many cakes that one or all of us can't enjoy because of their ingredients.

The experience of getting a perfect cake, and one that you can share with your friends, too? It's genuinely really special. It's an experience you can take joy in together.

If the cake is made correctly and with care, people who do not have allergies and intolerances can enjoy it too! (It's not cake, but there's a particular popsicle brand I pick up for me that my teen—who has no allergies—absolutely adores. I get those popsicles for myself since I can't have other goodies, but part of the fun is in sharing and I'm glad my teen loves them. And more people buying those popsicles encourages the company to make more vegan items, too, which is a win!)

Sometimes people complain because they don't want to eat the gluten-free cake, even though someone at the office is allergic to gluten (no, they aren't just making it up).

The push forward continues.

Except what if this wasn't about cakes?

What if it's about representation in media.

There are lots of allo cis hetero relationships portrayed in media. It's everywhere you look. It's a bit harder to find a gay couple in media. More like needing to go to the gluten-free section of the grocery store or a specialty bakery, right? And ace and nonbinary representation? Well, guess we need to also leave out the eggs and milk, and that gets a bit more challenging yet.

Luckily for all of these, it's becoming easier to find. It's hard, and you still sometimes have to go looking for it.

What I'm asking is that those of you especially looking to eat the gluten-free cakes not insist that every cake must be made with milk and eggs (those who want to consume queer media to not insist it be allo cis homosexual). Because that's going to leave someone out. Some people are going to seek a gluten-free, nut-free, egg-free, and milk-free cake (what are we at? Queer, asexual, aromantic, trans, nonbinary, take your pick; we’re not even going to get into racial rep and disability in queer media right now). And that's okay. They should get to have nice things, too. And in the meantime, there's some great gluten-free cake (queer media) for you to enjoy!

Is this clear enough? I rather like this analogy. Because everyone deserves nice things. And it may be stereotypical for an ace person to like cake, but I do think it's rather yummy.

All my thanks to @seedsofwinter for helping build this analogy over a delightful dessert, where we both had the foods we could eat that were yummy to us.

#good omens #queer representation #queer media #our flag means death #asexuality #nonbinary #transgender #nonbinary media #trans media #asexual media #cake #analogy #queer analogy

[avelera]

hello! just dropping in to say I’m loving all your wonderful fics :) CLWM gives me such a feeling of..comfort?? with being butch & bisexual that i so rarely experience while reading & it’s been such a gift. the recent chapter made me wanna stand up & scream “yes!! that’s exactly what it feels like to be bi!!” their gender doesn’t change how u feel about a person u love just the.. shape of that attraction? if that makes sense? & I cant listen to never let me go without getting super emotional about GS, lol! anyways. ur fics have made many a gloomy day much brighter thank u for writing them :)

Thank you so much!! 😭 Definitely, “Come live with me” is a VERY bisexual story at its heart. It’s about Hob falling (deeper) in love with Dream (and vice versa) while navigating loving Dream in private as a man loving a man and in public as a man loving a “woman”, at least in the eyes of society. It brings with it a raft of complexity in that respect, sometimes I truly wrestle with even how to label everything that’s happening with Dream in terms of his sexuality, gender identity, and what pronouns to use, given he is a magical shapeshifter and an anthropomorphic personification and his exact experience can’t and never will be perfectly mirrored in the real world (is he bi? Pan? Genderqueer? Cis or trans male? He’s certainly living a trans male experience in public as Morfea but even that is complicated by the shapeshifting making all of it temporary for him, even as I see him as an entity with a stronger and preferred sense of having a predominantly male self as his choice of identity and pronouns, which Hob respects and indeed prefers, given it’s how he’s known and been in love with Dream the longest, and because as far as he can tell, it’s Dream’s preferred identity that he chooses when not under duress).

Whereas Hob, our POV character is in my mind, VERY comfortable in his gender and sexuality, having had plenty of time to truly experiment with it over the centuries, and as such firmly identifies as cis male and bisexual. He is so comfortable in his gender that he’s curious to experiment with having a “woman’s” body in the Dreaming just to see what it’s like but he is genuinely nervous about getting stuck that way because he’s happy and comfortable as he is, while also aware of the fact that not everyone is. (Language gets a little fiddly here, particularly given the fantasy elements, and I’m typing on my phone so forgive me for any terminology slippage and understand every use of “male/female, man/woman” is meant to be trans inclusive).

But yes, anyway! It’s meant to be a very gender/trans/sexuality positive fic and the deeper we go into how Hob and Dream live together and fall in love in this complex situation of being in a “het” marriage in public but being far more complex in private but shading towards m/m when given the choice, the more I’ve been sort of thinking about these elements and trying to bring that positivity to the foreground, like making sure there is also a trans male human character (John) as a reminder that the life Dream is living ISN’T just a fantasy this WAS a lived experience in the 1800s too, (“we have always been here” re: the queer experience) and making sure that it’s clear that John’s story is a happy one with no hidden “gotcha”s. And I think some of the importance of that for me IS as a bisexual cis woman (leaning somewhat towards “non practicing” cis woman/butch myself as well!) and exploring without necessarily answering what it’s like to love someone as much as Hob does Dream, both as a man and as a woman? It’s been a lovely experience and idea to explore so I’m always so pleased when people enjoy! Thank you!

#arranged marriage au dreamling #dreamling

[pumsavic]

To the anti trans community:

To the biology "experts": advanced biology goes into detail about how gender and sex aren't related. It also goes into how it's perfectly normal albeit rare to be born intersex. New studies show that transgenderism is a sub form of intersex that effects the brain. I, like many trans folk, was born with a imbalance of hormones that caused me to feel out of place in my own body; an experience I wouldn't wish on my greatest enemy. Biologically, you're just an idiot. you make fools of yourself when talking about advanced sciences you've not studied.

To religious folks: this wasn't my choice, This was God's. I didn't want to be afflicted with gender dysphoria, but I have been all of my life. God made me this way whether you want to believe it or not. If you think otherwise, then take it up to God and see for yourself. I'm sure he'll be really happy that you've forsaken every part In the Bible about loving your neighbors, or treating everyone with care and not malice.

To old/stubborn people: the only people who you're harming with your opinions is yourself. New generations will not have your opinions. Internet is a Wonderful thing, and as more people have access to it, you'll see that more younger generations are learning to accept everyone, and learning that intolerance isn't tolerated.

To political figures: to you, we may seem like insignificant people. Turning hatred onto us to spread your publicity when there are people suffering because of you, well I'll be honest it's not like I expected anything different from you. Just remember there are more voters that are allies, and less that are ignorant pieces of human garbage.

To the LGB-TQ community: fine, you win. Now you're gay and an asshole. Thanks. It's funny how gay and lesbian people were fucking HUNTED years ago and now that it's happening to trans folk you're just hopping on the band wagon. If you can't beat them join them right?

To the people who just feel "uncomfortable": grow up. Seriously, grow up. You don't choose to be trans, and you can't be persuaded you are. If that were fucking possible then by reading this you'll be hypnotized into being trans. OBVIOUSLY THATS NOT HOW IT WORKS STOP BEING DUMB. There are good and bad people in every group of people. I'm not gonna sugarcoat this, there will be trans folk who do stupid stuff. but just because Jeffrey Epstein was white do you think all white people are pedo rapists? If not then why think all trans folk are the same?

To you "transgenderism doesn't exist" people: the fuck you mean? I'm not playing this game of "here's the proof" shit with you. You're just someone who won't read it. let me break it down for you. You met someone who thought they were trans, ended up recoming out as cis so they weren't trans. What part of that is hard to understand? They weren't trans. I'll bet you haven't met anyone who's trans. And if you had you probably had a thought of "well if that other person wasn't then it just doesn't exist, so this person isn't either" but let me tell you something. Transgenderism isn't something that easy. Most trans folk are quiet about it all, knowing the hate others get for being loud about it. Most trans folk keep their heads down. "What about you then? Why do you get to be loud?" Because I'm fucking angry. I'm posting this to my own fucking profile in HOPES that nobody sees this. BECAUSE I don't want to be seen as loud. But just because I'm trans doesn't mean I shouldn't be able to get mad.

To all trans folk: Let me make this clear. It's okay if you're experimenting with your gender, and it's okay if it turns out you're not trans. The LGBT community is understanding and patient. almost to a detriment however. For every trans person who re-comes out as cis, it makes us look like idiots. "I've never met such a person who un came out" well unfortunately I have. Sure it's rare, most people who are trans will most likely stay trans, but that doesn't mean everyone is trans. That person admitted they were lonely and didn't have friends and they felt comfortable being around people who treated them like a brave person. They un-came out as trans after realizing it wasn't a choice. They hated themselves for not actually being trans, and they felt like a horrible person for pretending like they were. I'm of the opinion that it's fine to experiment, but do equally as much research. If you're not sure who to talk to, try a trusted councilor or therapist. Even better, ask a post transition transgender person, if they're comfortable. It's not a choice tho. Please don't take advantage of this kindness.

To my dad:

I understand your pain. being molested by a trans person... It's understandable why you'd hate all of them. You went to college and understand that it's not a choice. You spent the time to understand the biology behind trans folk, and you have made me understand that to you I am accepted. I'm lucky to be understood by someone who is transphobic, As weird as that is, but it hurts to see people I relate with so much being hated by you. You aren't faking it either, you truly accept me as your daughter, but your trauma gets in the way of you being okay with me being trans. Because of the battle you're fighting with your trauma, and accepting me, it's caused me to think that you don't accept me, but I know you'd get up in arms brawling it out of my sake if someone called me a slur. I just wish you could put that trauma away for my sake too. Im not asking you to forgive that person whoever it was. Just don't hold trans folk in your heart as the villains.

[wolf-queer-discourse]

Adventures in Aphobia #1

So I was scrolling through Tumblr the other day (a regrettable mistake as always), and I had the great pleasure of seeing this joyous post.

*deep breath*

Not gonna lie, posts like this make me real pissed. Pissed because the person who posted this exists in a space where they feel comfortable enough to post this online. Pissed because these posts are so common and often face little backlash. And pissed because there’s nothing better than allosexuals condescendingly explaining to asexual people why they’re dirty attention whores who invent their own oppression. Ace people deserve to be defended against this horseshit. Young people see these posts, and it’s extremely damaging to have your identity be nothing more than fuel for people in discourse to mock you and demand you bled in order for them to notice your pain.

Anger aside, many people do not see why this post is wrong, so why is it? Let’s unpack this clusterfuck of bigotry:

“would love to see substantive evidence of systematic “aphobia” that isn’t actually just misogyny, toxic masculinity, or rpe culture.”

God damn, we are not mincing our words here XD. A few things: systematic in bold, which tells you if you do not make a blood sacrifice on the altar of queer pain you will not be taken seriously. Potential nitpick, but systemic and systematic are not the same thing. I believe systemic is the word they’re looking for. Systematic implies a lot more intentionality that can be hard to prove. Systemic merely means that systems, in their current state, do aphobic things, which they absolutely do.

“Aphobia” in quotes is absolutely rich. Not only will this person refuse to acknowledge systemic aphobia, which is only one type, but this poster casts clear doubt upon the mere concept of aphobia in and of itself. We love to see it.

There’s a lot to unpack here. The statement, as clearly condescending as intended, is sort of correct, though it doesn’t mean a whole lot. Systemic oppression is about the systems in a society (government, healthcare, etc) discriminating against people. Systemic oppression is not bigotry faced on a person-to-person level. In short, systematic oppression is something a person experiences in their overall life, while personal discrimination is experienced on a personal level by people who are not singularly in control of the systems. This post boils down the negative comments ace people face into being called “weird”, which is an understatement for sure, but calling a gay person weird isn’t systemic oppression either.

It’s still bad and discriminatory.

This is such a snotty way to dismiss aphobia as some mere, insignificant comment with no meaning as if it doesn’t reinforce society’s painful aphobic views in the same way casual homophobic comments reinforce heteronormativity and society’s hostility toward gay people.

Ace people face discrimination in healthcare, most notably, which is systemic discrimination, but the systemic discrimination of asexuals really ought to be its own post if I’m to nosedive into it. Even if ace people faced no systemic discrimination, it wouldn’t make this point anymore correct. Discrimination is a perfectly valid reason to feel disregarded by society, and often only ace people are denied the right to feel this way and are instead gaslit into admitting what they face is no big deal and they’re just making it up for attention.

The experience of being pressured to have sex when you’re allo vs ace is very different. The vast majority of allo people do not plan to be celibate their whole lives. Many ace people do not want to have sex, ever. “Waiting for sex” in much of western society and in Christianity is seen as pure and honorable. Yet being asexual and never wanting sex is seen as a deviant disorder and people are accused of robbing their partner of sex forever.

There’s really a specific flavor of sexual pressure that is unique to ace people. Sex being to “fix” someone or because they “just need to try it”.

In this respect, aphobic sexual pressure is better compared to that faced by gay people and lesbians. Lesbians especially often can face this same struggle, men pressuring them to have sex because they think lesbians just need to “try it” or to “fix them”. I can imagine this poster would have no issue acknowledging lesbophobia being the root of lesbians coerced into sex with men, yet she does not give ace people the same.

Imagine if someone said (and knowing our fucked world, someone probably has): “Lesbophobia doesn’t exist. It’s just misogyny. Straight women are coerced into sex too!”

It’d be pathetic bullshit. Toxic masculinity, misogyny and many other issues can all tangle into combined messes with other forms of bigotry. Lesbophobia is an experience that deserves to be recognized apart from misogyny, even if the two are linked. Please stop erasing ace people’s experiences with this when it’s not the same thing.

Honestly, though, this post, as trashy as it is, if anything, is perhaps, really asking: Is there any type of aphobic experience that’s inherently exclusive to ace people?

I still wager to go say, yes, yes there is, but I must make an important point first:

Most experiences of queer discrimination are not limited to queer people.

Homophobia and transphobia are both experienced by cishets in certain instances. Feminine straight men can be victims of homophobic harassment. This does not disprove the fact that it’s homophobia just because a straight man is the victim of it. A tall cis woman with broad shoulders and a lower voice may be the victim of transphobic remarks or comments. The basis of these comments is rooted in transphobia, however, so the fact that the victim is cis does not erase the transphobia.

People who argue that experiences ace people complain about can be experienced by allosexuals are not poking a legitimate hole in doing this. Certain experiences related to aphobia can and are experienced by allosexuals. If you do not acknowledge this, then homophobia and transphobia aren’t real because cishet people have sometimes experienced them.

Despite cishets sometimes experiencing queerphobia, most of us acknowledge that their experience of that bigotry, however unfortunate, is not the same as that experienced by actual queer people. It’d be quite homophobic for a feminine straight man to claim he knew just as much about the gay experience as an actual gay man. Similarly, when allosexual people relate experiences that were rooted in aphobia, it’s overstepping a line when they claim asexual discrimination isn’t real because they experienced elements of it too.

Cishet (cishet including allosexuals) people do not experience their doctors telling them their sexuality might be a disorder or caused by trauma. Allo queer people can experience this with their sexualities too.

“using sex appeal to sell products is misogyny, it is not engineered to gross sex-repulsed people, it is meant to objectify women.”

This is a strawman thinner than my last nerve. Uh, what? What ace people are you seeing that literally think sex appeal was engineered to gross-out sex-repulsed people?? I don’t think this is a core argument??

Yes, sex-repulsed ace people sometimes complain about sex appeal in media being uncomfortable. But that’s it. Every time an ace person shares a discomfort of theirs doesn’t mean it’s the entire basis of their oppression. For the love of God, let ace people discuss their experiences without being blow-torched over not being oppressed enough with an individual discomfort. 

BONUS ROUND

(This was in the tags)

“Completely vilifies celibate individuals” 

...no…? What…? Huh…? 

The most charitable interpretation of this vague accusation is that the poster means celibate people face aphobia as well, due to not wanting to have sex. I have no idea how this “vilifies” anyone, but that aside, as said before: people who are not queer can face aphobia. Also worth noting that society treats celibate people way better than ace people, which is really another example of aphobia. Celibate people can be told they’re missing out (which could be at very least related to aphobic ideals), but they’re rarely called broken. Celibacy is seen more as a respected, controlled ideal in allo people, but when ace people want to do it, they’re just mentally ill.

Anyway, the post was aphobic trash, and it needs to be debunked more often. Mocking ace people online is not a good look anymore, guys. Don't be ugly.

#discourse #queer discourse #LGBT discourse #Adventures in Aphobia #ace discourse #asexual discourse #aphobia #ace discrimination #asexual #asexuality #LGBT #queer #ace #rant #aphobes have no shame but they should #imagine having a brain smoother than a banana peel

[hellomynameisbisexual]

“QUEER”

First of all, let’s clear up a common misconception. Queer does not just mean gay. It’s an umbrella term for an identity which deviates from society’s perceived norm: heterosexual, or straight. Queer can refer to sexualities — gay, bisexual, pansexual, — or it can refer to being gender-queer; i.e, any label that deviates from the perceived gender norm: the binaries, male and female.

“Queer” is a reclaimed slur.

If you do not fall under the umbrella of queerness, it is safe to assume that you cannot use it. At all.

I am bisexual.

This means I experience attraction to plural genders. Pansexual also works fine. For the difference between bisexual and pansexual — see here:

Being bisexual isn’t easy. I went through similar hardships to gay women: I experienced attraction to women and was scared of what this meant for me, in such an oppressively homophobic society.

I am not saying being bisexual is harder than being gay, nor the inverse. But my experiences are distinctly bisexual, not gay.

Without further ado, here are the 3 things I’ve found to be the hardest about being queer, but not gay (enough).

#1: Finding My Place

Or, not being queer enough

I always knew I wasn’t straight, but I didn’t know what I was. Up until recently, I was still questioning. This didn’t feel enough to join groups or conversations with LGBT+ folk, let alone go to pride. Was I even LGBT if I was never L, G, B, or T?

I am still yet to attend a pride, even though I identify (fairly confidently) as bisexual. I am in a relationship with a man. This is (problematically) known as a “straight-passing relationship” and makes me feel even more undeserving of a place at pride.

This has been upsetting to me at times. But for others, it can be outright devastating. Growing up and needing support, but feeling like you’re ‘not gay enough’ to ask for it? So many young people are being left alone and afraid. Finding others like you is vital to figuring out who you are. Likewise, finding spaces which are safe and inclusive is vital for anyone, regardless of their sexuality or gender identity. A friend of mine happens to be a transgender man, and he summed up the issue perfectly:

“One thing that I keep noticing is how all hangout spots are “gay bars”, or (far less common) “lesbian bars”. I’m a straight man, so I don’t feel like I’m supposed to be there, but hanging out at regular bars is still too much of a gamble, so I don’t really have anywhere to go.”

It goes without saying that gay folk aren’t always safe in these spaces, as seen by the homophobic attack on the Pulse nightclub in Orlando, in 2016. Bigotry hurts the entire LGBT+ community. Bigotry doesn’t stop to ask whether you identify as gay or otherwise queer before it pulls the trigger.

But the LGBT+ community itself is much more welcoming to those who “pick a side” and just come out as gay, already. The infighting is inexplicable when one looks to attacks such as that in Orlando: bigots don’t care which letter you are in the acronym. So why does gatekeeping exist when we need to be strong in the face of intolerance when fragmentation only makes us weaker? Who are we helping by continuing to exclude identities from the discussion?

#2: Myths and Misconceptions

Well, it stands to reason that if bisexuals are what they seem in TV and movies, why would anyone want to make them feel included? They’re “greedy” and inauthentic. They’re attention-seeking, not to mention their propensity for threesomes. Now, I haven’t been in a wild orgy yet, but it seems like it will only be a matter of time before I follow my natural path.

Straight men, in particular, need to own up to their assumption that bisexual women are down for a threesome. The thing is, we are. But not with you, you big ASSUMER.

Infidelity

All jokes aside, the stereotyping of bisexuals is not only hurtful, but leads to difficulties finding and maintaining relationships.

As I came to terms with my bisexuality, I also had to accept that I might never be fully trusted by my partner, regardless of their gender or sexuality. I was shocked when my partner reacted to my coming out with the equivalent of a shrug — so much so, that I burst into tears of gratitude that my soul-bearing moment hadn’t been met with slut-shaming or assumptions of disloyalty. Nothing has changed. If anything, our bond is even stronger for me having been more authentic after coming out.

But cruelty came from elsewhere: when I came out, I was told that my partner was to be pitied, either because I’m gay and in denial, or bound to cheat on him. The main consequence of such attitudes has been the crippling fear of coming out to my partner. It saddens me that I felt so relieved when he accepted me for being who I am, and loving him just the same as I always have.

This outcome is not the case for many couples, with straight folk worried that their bisexual partner will realise they’re gay and just leave them. This fear of abandonment comes from a place of ignorance. When the media presents bisexuality as a steppingstone on the way to “picking a team”, it’s no wonder that people struggle to trust their queer partners.

Other Queer Myths

The myth that all trans folk medically transition invalidates those who choose not to do so, and let’s not forget the ignorant jeers that it's all just a mental illness. Asexual folk battle the stereotype that they can never have a relationship and shall forever remain a virgin (because what an awful thing that would be, right?) And pansexuals… well, at the lighter end, they’re asked if they have sex with cooking utensils. But often, they’re erased as irrelevant because “we already have the label bisexual”.

This brings us onto the third and final difficulty that comes with queer folk who aren’t easily categorizable as gay: erasure.

#3: Erasure

Erasure refers to the denial of an identity’s existence or its validity as a label.

Non-binary folk face ongoing and loud claims that they simply do not exist. This is despite the historical and scientific evidence to the contrary. Plus, the most important evidence — them, existing. Asexual folk are told they simply have not found the right person yet, or that they are just afraid of sex. Demi-sexual folk are told “everyone feels like that, unless they’re just sleeping around!”. And bisexuals are dismissed as simply being in denial that they’re gay.

Monosexuality & The Gender Binary

Our culture is so built on monosexuality (being solely attracted to one gender — for instance, gay or straight). Monosexuality is reinforced through everything from marriage to dating apps, the media to what we teach in schools. People cannot fathom that someone might want to experience more than one gender in their lifetime.

The binary models of sex and gender are also deeply ingrained. These rigid belief systems combined are to blame for our inability to accept that bisexuals do not need to “pick a side”. I was paralysed by fear for 17 years because I found girls attractive and that might mean I’m gay, because bisexuals are just gays who haven’t realised they’re gay yet.

Bierasure

Bierasure is dangerous, firstly because it leads a child to have to internalise both biphobia and homophobia. For instance, I had to work through being taught to hate gayness, whilst being taught that any attraction to non-male genders made me gay.

Women were cute, and so I was gay, and this meant I was disgusting.

My own mother told me this. She also told me that something has “gone wrong in the womb” for a child to be gay. (Well, Mum, I’ve got some bad news about your womb!)And she, like any bigot, extended this theory to anyone who experiences same-sex attractions — anyone queer. This is another reason why bi-erasure is perilous. Whether you’re a gay, cis-male or a demi-bisexual, trans woman… if your parents will kick you out for being gay, they will likely kick you out for being any sort of queer.

If we deny the bigotry that bisexuals undergo, we will continue to suffer. It won’t just go away. It will fester, with bisexuals having no one they can go to who believes them. And thus:

Erasure Kills

Bullying and suicide rates of queer-but-not-gay people continue to sky-rocket. We must direct funding, support and compassion to every queer individual, as they are all vulnerable to discrimination and bullying. The problem is being left to fester. This is in part because bigots treat all queer labels as just ‘gay’, deeming them equally unworthy. This is how far erasure can go.

Conclusion

Earlier on, I stated that my experiences are distinctly bisexual. The same applies to any queer identity.

Emphasising our differing paths and struggles is important to avoid the aforementioned erasure of already less visible groups. But this does not mean that the LGBT+ community should be fragmented by these differences.

If we can unite in our hope to live authentically and love freely, we will be stronger against bigotry. We are fighting enough intolerance from without: there is no need to create more from within.

So out of everything, what’s the hardest part about being bisexual?

It’s the fact that nobody knows it’s this hard.

#bisexuality #bisexuality is valid #bi tumblr #support bisexuality #bi #bi pride #pride #lgbtq pride #lgbtq #lgbtq community #bisexual education #bisexual youth #bi youth #support bisexual people #respect bisexual people #bisexual representation #bisexual injustice #bisexual equality #bisexual erasure #bi erasure #bisexual community #bisexual #bisexual facts #bisexual info #bisexual tips #queer #bisexual rights

[latter-day-saint-nick]

Transmascs and the Not-Like-Other-Girls Syndrome

Much has been said about the Not-Like-Other-Girls Syndrome already. We as a society seem to have largely accepted that it is a sexist attitude, and I am not here to dispute that. Hating on girly girls for the way they perform femininity doesn’t help anyone. That said, I’ve seen a few posts recently pointing out that girls with NLOGS tend be gender non-conforming teens and young adults who were bullied and ostracised by other girls, and so have a hard time trusting traditional femininity, as they connect it with their abusers. Therefore we should be spending just as much time, maybe even more, telling girly girls to accept tomboys as we do vice versa, and the fact that we don’t shows how much we still cling to society’s ideas of acceptable femininity.

This got me thinking about my own experiences, which I suspect other transmascs will be able to relate to. See, I definitely had a phase as a teenager when I hated most girls and things connected to femininity, including aspects of myself that I considered girly. This was misogynist and wrong and kind of unhealthy. I’m not going to pretend differently. That said, looking back, I can see that much of this hatred came from being a trans boy who hadn’t been given the tools to understand that he was, in fact, allowed to be a boy. Being grouped with girls who I seemed to have so little in common with often made me feel lonely and miserable. To be fair, chances are I wouldn’t have been all that happy being grouped with the boys either, since I wasn’t interested in sports and cars and boobs (that’s what straight teenage boys are into, right?). Even if I’d been raised as a boy, I was still queer and neurodivergent, so that coloured all my childhood experiences.

Anyway, many of my gripes about girls were unfair. I shouldn’t have been annoyed by them for being obsessed with make-up and dieting, even though I found these things stupid. Instead I should have reserved my ire for a patriarchal society that teaches women from a young age that they are worthless unless they are thin and cover up their natural faces. Yes, I realise all that now. But, and this is an important but, my experiences had shown me that it is a short step from “I’m a girl and I care about make-up and dieting” to “all girls should care about make-up and dieting, and the fact that you don’t means there’s something wrong with you”. While there were times I have been shamed by cis men for being insufficiently feminine, most of the shaming came from cis girls and women. Usually it wasn’t even done in a mean-spirited way. Most of these girls and women genuinely thought they were helping me by instructing me on how I should dress or what I should do with my hair. Like we were characters in a teen rom-com, and I was the ugly duckling who is given a make-over by her friends and finally gets to dance with the cute guy.

As always when I discuss transmasculinity, I feel the need to put a disclaimer here. I am fully aware of the fact that to many people make-up and pretty dresses are fun and empowering. There is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with being a woman, just because I decided that it wasn’t for me. But the fact that I even feel like I have to give this disclaimer all the time shows how much more we seem to value the feelings of cis women who embrace femininity over those of women and afabs who reject it. Even when I’m including trans men in my writing, I always have to make sure to show them having positive relationships with the women around them, sometimes in ways that don’t really match my own experiences, lest readers think that these characters just choose to be men because of internalised misogyny. Yeah, that’s a terf rhetoric, but it seems to be common enough that I actively feel the need to combat it at every turn.

But let me make things perfectly clear: to me, personally, traditional femininity was a prison. I hated so many things about it, and I hated the way girls my age and adult women alike were pressuring me to look a certain way and be a certain way. Even now when I see YouTube videos of women talking about the importance of a good skincare routine, I just feel exhausted and wonder how anyone could find joy in that. Once I was old enough to realise that it didn’t matter what other people thought, that I could just cut my hair short and wear fun, comfy clothes, the pressure didn’t stop. And, yeah, that’s how I came down with a serious case of NLOGS. But it’s important to bear in mind that for one thing, of course I wasn’t like other girls - I wasn’t a girl at all. And for another, I had in fact had many negative interactions with girls. Even ones that were perfectly fine one-on-one could turn insufferable in a larger group.

So, yes, those of us who are trans or gnc shouldn’t characterise traditionally girly girls as stupid and shallow. We should all respect each other’s life choices in how we express our genders. But remember that the pressure to perform femininity in a certain way only comes from one side. You don’t get baby butches telling their classmates things like “I don’t know why you keep your hair this long. You’d look so good with an undercut!” or “How do you expect to get a girlfriend dressed like that? Have you ever tried wearing flannels and Doc Martens?” So why should gnc girls and transmascs have to put up with constant comments and criticism on our appearance and then pretend that feminine cis women have never been our oppressors?

#trans men #sexism #Gender Roles

[blogsanscontext]

A Closer Look at: Momoe Sawaki’s character arc; by a nonbinary (trans) viewer.

CW: Major spoilers for Wonder Egg Priority + mentions and discussion of sexual assault, transphobia, lesbophobia, self-harm; please proceed with caution.

Wonder Egg Priority came as a relatively pleasant surprise for me; I heard about it some time after the first few episodes aired, but I never actively went out of my way to ever try to watch it myself until, that is, a few days ago. I must say, I’m glad to have taken the initiative to experience such anime on my own.

With a stunning animation to accompany the heavy subjects this work touches on, I quickly fell in love with it; all the characters feel very grounded in reality, with their struggles (even someone like Neiru’s, who is a literal genius and CEO of her own company) feeling relatable in one way or another. Episode 7 became my favorite due to this very thing, Rika’s problems were things that not only have I seen in other works before, but that I know exist because of the stories told in the news every so often. It only helped, in my opinion, that they gave a character with her background such a hopeful ending.

That being said, Wonder Egg is not a perfect anime, and though I didn’t expect it to be in the first place, I do think talking about why some of the ways it handles a specific character of the main cast are problematic are worth the time. When I mentioned that “all the characters feel very grounded in reality”, I actually only meant three of them, a.k.a.: Ai, Rika and Neiru. The reason Momoe is not included in this group is what I will be discussing in the next paragraphs.

This anime lets you know, right off the bat, that it will not stray away from heavy subjects throughout the duration of its runtime; the show deals with suicidal idealization (and actual suicide as well as its aftermath; in fact, “female suicide” is at the very core of the show and is what essentially moves it forward), self-harm, sexual assault, same-sex relationships, transphobia, and being a gender noncomforming person in a society that punishes you for not adhering to the roles it has imposed on you since childhood. The last points are the ones I took issue with, however, and though they are mostly the show’s fault, they also took it upon themselves to make Momoe be at the center of all three.

See, when we are first introduced to Momoe, we can guess by context that she is a girl, however, the other characters aren’t aware of this fact yet, and so they seemingly go out of their way to call her a boy, which makes her deeply uncomfortable, and this (ie. her reaction to be treated or perceived as a boy) is a running theme throughout her arc. This, in itself, isn’t really the worst creative direction to take with a character, it’s a story that has been told time and time again, but there is a problem with the way Wonder Egg Priority specifically deals with it: Momoe is cisgender, and so far, there hasn’t been a sign of this changing whatsoever, so she will most likely remain cis until the show ends. Normally, a story about a gender noncomforming cis person wouldn’t be seen as anything out of the extraordinary, as I’ve mentioned before, but it seems that they wanted to… “innovate”, so to say, with her character. And it’s this innovation, in my opinion, that which makes Momoe’s struggles miss the mark for me.

Momoe is perceived, almost ridiculously so, as a boy by whoever even so much as stumbles upon her; her followers on Instagram most likely worship her because they’re under the impression that she’s a bishounen, and yet the show goes out of its way to deal with just how uncomfortable this makes her. This is the issue I take with her and her arc: the show has a keen awareness of AFAB people’s issues, and treats them with the respect they deserve (which is not to say some jokes at their expense aren’t made, but in general this tone is kept throughout the duration of the story), and yet the tone-deaf manner in which they deal with her issues feels… disappointing, to say the least.

Momoe’s struggles, though they are valid on their own, are not a societal issue, no matter how one may look at them; if she were a trans person (either a trans girl, boy, or nonbinary), the strong emphasis on her discomfort at being misgendered would have made so much more sense. The reason why ‘switching around’ the stereotype of a tomboy falls flat on its face is that there is no real pressure from society to present feminine, it’s what they want you to, or more accurately, force you to do if you’re perceived as being assigned female at birth; however, this is not where my issues with Momoe’s arc and character end.

At first, I imagined a variety of (albeit vague, still reasonable) reasons as to why this show couldn’t have just made Momoe be trans, and semi-understanding of this decision; that was, of course, until I watched the actual episode mostly focused on her struggles, and that’s when I got slightly mad. Being honest, I still think it was a good episode, and it definitely made Momoe seem way more sympathetic than any of her past appearances, but it also perfectly highlighted my problem with her, and subsequently, the show itself: using queer people’s actual, realistic, problems in order to push her, a cisgender character, forward.

The thing with Wonder Egg Priority is that I love how, despite all these girls literally risking their lives to save a specific person, they still seem to have conflicting feelings about them (ie. Rika’s mocking of Chiemi, Ai’s frustration towards Koito, etc.) but I also take issue with this when it comes to Momoe specifically; Haruka is very much intended to be seen as gay, yet when push comes to shove, we are supposed to be taking Momoe’s side in this conflict. We, the audience, see these events from her point of view, and are therefore made to feel, in one way or another, uncomfortable with Haruka’s attraction for her. Yes, Momoe has worked hard to bring her back to life, but the fact that she’s cis and heterosexual stands; this isn’t just exclusive to Haruka, however, but every egg she’s had to save in order to get her friend back. All of them express a clear attraction for Momoe, “despite her being a girl”, and it’s just very easy to read these attitudes as wlw-phobic, extremely so.

My biggest issue though lies within the very existence of Kaoru’s character, the trans boy she has to protect in the episode mainly focused on her; while he is an endearing and sympathetic character, and I like that despite him presenting ‘majorly female’, Momoe never misgenders him. The thing is: he’s made out to be almost a “parallel” of her own gender-related issues, and this is just a very tone-deaf statement to make; trans people fighting not to be misgendered, fighting to be called their chosen name (something Momoe, while being cis, can just freely enjoy) - trans people’s pain is very much real, which the show is aware of, but Momoe’s is very much an individual’s problem rather than the way society actually works, which Wonder Egg is seemingly unaware of, for whatever reason.

Before I arrive at my last point on why this comparison doesn’t work, I would like to quickly point out the fact that most, if not all, the eggs the girls have had to save until this point were specifically meant to be girls, in one way or another. Therefore, taking this into account, Kaoru makes me feel… a lot of things, the more time I spend thinking about it; the show acknowledges he’s a boy, though not cis of course, but still very much a boy, yet also places him in this very much ‘female’ space; no matter how I looked at it, I could find explanations both for an opinion in favor of this decision (the way a lot of trans men’s problems are defined by our patriarchal society seeing them as women) as well as some for an opinion against this decision (the fact that it could be read as the show ultimately deciding he’s ‘female-aligned’, etc.) and though I won’t be discussing this decision in-depth, I still possess that it’s an event worth examining from different lenses.

Now, onto the actual element that got me heated about Kaoru serving as a parallel to Momoe’s struggles: Kaoru was not only sexually assaulted by a man who’s always thought of him as a ‘pretty, delicate girl’, his death directly relates to the fact that he was abused and then impregnated by this man for not living up to his gross ideal of what a man and a woman are; contrast this to Momoe, who pretty much gets the treatment Kaoru would love to have: she’s pretty much right off the bat seen as a guy, she’s fawned over by women because of this fact as well, they literally call her ‘Momotaro’, etc. Taking all of this into account, it’s simply impossible for me to be okay with a comparison that ultimately decides a cisgender person’s discomfort is, in any sort of way, on equal grounds as a (might I remind you, dead) trans person’s basic human rights.

All in all, though her episode made me take a bigger liking to her character, it also served to almost perfectly highlight the very problem of her existence, as well as the “struggles” she’s intended to represent; I don’t hate Momoe in any sort of way, and though I know there must be someone somewhere who relates to her, I also think that they could’ve done something way more meaningful with her had they just made some changes that made her more realistic (as in, make her at least be LGBT rather than just cis and heterosexual); I will be patiently waiting for the finale, and who knows? Maybe something does change about her in the end, that would be even more of a pleasant surprise.

#wonder egg priority #meta #momoe sawaki

[virgowhizzer]

This isn't canon analysis like my last post, but it's a fan theory. It's just my headcanon. You don't have to share it.

I'm not sure Finn would ever write a trans character, especially not in the 80s. I just don't think it's in his repitoure of personal experience. However, this headcanon actually enriches the story and characters imo.

Mendel is a transgender man. I don't think Mendel is secretive about it, I think he's just stealth. In the time period of the Falsettos, being a trans man often meant being stealth. Until recently, it was often called "the invisible identity".

Why would he be ashamed? A pro-gay therapist/aging hippie has no reason to be ashamed of their own queer identity. In fact, I would be surprised to learn that someone like him, who surrounds himself with queer friend, family, and clients, is cishet!

However, there is the issue of misgendering. Before trans identities and gender pronouns were more accepted among the general population, any client who found Mendel to be a trans man probably would misgender him. Not out of malice, but out of a lack of understanding.

As such, I imagine him confiding to transgender clients, so they feel safe and understood.

To a wary trans Mendel, this misgendering threat includes Marvin. After all, Marvin is a guy caught up in his own gender identity of straight manhood. He can't see the forest through the trees.

Which is why it's so significant to me that Mendel's therapy teaches Marvin how to be a queer man, rather than holding onto a facade of straight masculinity. I think that Mendel's perspective on gender and manhood makes the most sense when he's a trans guy.

In Mendel's relationship to Trina, he presents a form of manhood that has been clearly woven so as to be masculine, but also gentle and considerate. It's an expression of male masculinity that I've seen in a lot of trans guys, like myself.

Mendel is no less masculine than Marvin's straightsona, but Mendel's version of masculinity is natural, not forced. It's self-assured, and places him as an equal to Trina. Who better to redefine masculinity as non-toxic than a transgender man?

It's clear to me that Mendel has considered what manhood and masculinity mean, as most cis guys do not. Mendel's gender identity subverts societal norms, while being totally binary.

Still, how would the hetero Trina feel about dating and marrying a transgender man? We know that, at first, Trina could have never known Mendel's transgender identity. But, what about potential "trans panic" once Mendel came out to her? After all, she seems to long for a "conventional" marriage in "Breaking Down"?

Trina and Mendel's relationship seems to fly in the face of straight gender roles, despite being totally binary and hetero. In that way, Trina gets what she wants out of a relationship with a man, without power struggle. Then, because of (not despite) Mendel's gender expression, the relationship works out perfectly. Trina truly loves Mendel for his genuine version of manhood, whatever that may mean.

This might put all of his anxieties surrounding dating and romance into perspective.

Regarding Marvin and Mendel's struggles to retain power over the idea of "family": these struggles have new meaning when you consider Mendel's attempt to claim a euphoric gender role that's long been denied to him.

Honorable mentions: finger guns, he's short (and won't let us forget it), etc.

As a relevant aside, for a personal hero of mine:

The REAL transgender activist, Lou Sullivan, had top surgery and HRT (before The Falsettos was written).

He was a gay transgender man, who educated people on transmasculinity. He put transmasculine narratives in the public eye. He did an amazing amount of activist work.

I bring this up to say: being a transgender man was an invisible identity for so long. But, around the time of the play, that was beginning to change.

I don't bring this up to trivialize historic activism to fit my fictional headcanon. Instead, as a transgender man, I want to say: we were always here, even if we are silenced.

Because of this, the idea of a transmasc character in a gay play set in the 70s-80s is pretty cool and also historically backed.

If you don't subscribe to my headcanon, nbd! It's just a personal theory. I put way too much time into this post. I didn't even fully agree with my headcanon at first, but I've sunk so much time into my analysis that I think it would be pretty neat to consider.

#the falsettos #Falsettos #mendel Falsettos

[aegialia]

self-indulgent reflection on being on tumblr

so i recently hit 1000 followers on here and this blog has existed for almost exactly 8 years, so i wanted to ramble about tumblr and my experience of it for awhile. under the cut so definitely feel free to ignore this.

i started this blog right around when i was fourteen and had just started high school. at that point, i was out to my parents (and no one else) as bi, i had an inkling i was Struggling with something but i had no idea what and felt like i couldnt actually acknowledge it, and i had left leaning but very vague politics. tumblr definitely has shaped my journey around sexuality/gender/mental health/politics, both for good and for ill. 

for good: 

seeing other ppl talk about being lesbians helped me realize i could be a lesbian w/o being a traitor to the concept of bisexuality. hearing trans ppl talk about their experiences and explaining non-binary stuff and dysphoria helped me understand what i was going through 

i don’t like talking about my mental health stuff in detail on here, but suffice to say, i was Going Through it in high school. i’m still going through it now, but i am in a much better place (thank you medication and 7 years of therapy!). seeing ppl talk about the weird, dumb, awful parts of mental illness let me acknowledge that i was going through those things too, that i wasnt like evil for feeling like that, that i could change. people talking about adhd/autism was particularly helpful---being able to identify why i’d always felt like my brain just didn’t work right is the first step in the (ongoing) process of not hating myself for the way my brain works

politics is definitely the area where i think tumblr was the best for me. i got exposed to so many opinions i definitely wasn’t hearing in school, from intelligent, well-read people who could articulate theory in ways i could understand. tumblr didn’t give me my politics and i didn’t learn everything i know about theory from it, but the communities of people i was around pointed me in the right directions. tumblr was also a good place to learn how to react to criticism. this doesn’t seem to be most people’s experience, but getting called out over minor things on tumblr genuinely helped me learn how to take a step back, look at my behavior, apologize, and try to change, which, as it turns out, is a helpful skill irl as well

for ill:

wrt sexuality and gender, it’s probably pretty obvious someone who’s journey is ‘cis bi girl -> cis with a million different microlabels -> nb w a million different microlabels for both sexuality and gender -> nb butch lesbian who’s not super into romance’ would have some bad times on tumblr. the bi circles i was in made being a lesbian seem like an immoral choice, the ‘’’mogai’’’ (or whatever u wanna call them) circles made me feel like i had to divy up and perfectly label every aspect of myself in a way that really wasn’t helpful for me, the lesbian circles i was in made me feel like being a lesbian was about ending up in a monogamous butch/femme cottagecore relationship and that there was something wrong with me for not really wanting that. to be clear i think microlabels can be very helpful for people/a monogamous butch/femme relationship is a perfectly fine thing to want, they just didn’t work for me. im very very glad ive reached a point in my life where i dont feel the need to stay up to date on the latest discourse and am more focused on finding a way to exist that is comfortable for me and supporting my community irl. 10/10 would recommend to everyone

not going to get deep into it, but social media is. not good for my brain in general. i still enjoy using tumblr, but these days im pretty careful to step back from it frequently and treat it as an occasional hobby. 

the cons of political stuff on tumblr are probably also very obvious. there are some just awful discussions on here and the culture surrounding the way we handle bad behavior and justice and accountability and working to become a better person and make up for the harm you’ve caused has historically been fucking awful and trying to unlearn it and find new ways to engage with this stuff is exhausting. 

for all that i’ve changed over the course of having this blog, this blog has stayed pretty fucking static. i started out being super into diana wynne jones and the iliad and those are still two of my biggest interests and things i talk about the most on here. there are definitely specific things that have petered away (i started this blog almost entirely to keep up with good omens fan stuff and i pretty much haven’t touched it since the miniseries came out, i haven’t sought out pacific rim/supernatural/elementary/mcu content in years), but im still pretty much interested in the same things. i like relatively small fandoms, i like weird side characters, i like to be a grumpy child playing with my toys in the corner. when a fandom im in gets popular, i tend to stop engaging with it entirely (hello rqg/tma/good omens/enola holmes!). i dont think its a pretentious ‘i liked it before it was cool’ thing so much as a ‘people get Weird and awful when a fandom hits a certain level of popularity and there’s too much content and i really, really hate the bad faith arguments larger fandoms tend to spawn’ thing. i’ll consume content from big fandoms, but i pretty much refuse to actually engage with them at this point.

one of the stranger parts of my experience of tumblr is the social side. i’ve never really known how people make friends online---how do you go from liking each other’s posts and occasionally replying to them to actually being friends who communicate off social media? i’ve had conversations with ppl on tumblr and i’ve had sort-of friendships that are contained to tumblr where i’d like to get to know them better, but i’ve never figured out how to do that. my best friend’s job is pretty much to make friends/connections on the internet (she’s an activist and artist), my dad knows people everywhere in the world from twitter, and i’m just sitting here like a little old grandpa who doesn’t understand how you can have internet friends. 

at this point in my life, i’m fine with this, but this has made me feel real fucking bad in the past---like, if everyone online, even the ppl who say they’re weird and brainbad in a similar way to me, can make friends on the internet, what’s wrong with me? particularly in high school and my first year of college, when i was just horribly lonely all the time, it made me feel super disconnected and like there was something fundamentally bad about me. these days, i’m a lot chiller about it. i use social media to engage with stuff i enjoy and share my thoughts about it. it’s okay that my social difficulties extend to me not knowing how to use the internet to socialize.

on a somewhat related topic, it’s wild that i have 1000 followers. obviously, that’s not an actually super large number and a huge number of them are probably bots or inactive. if you post consistently for eight years and follow lots of people, like i do, it’s not a surprise to end up with this many followers. it is also, thankfully, the sort of followers that are not fans. probably most ppl following this blog dont remember why they followed and dont know anything about me or my interests. this sounds like its meant to be depressing but it’s not. i like that my way of engaging w the internet lets me do pretty much whatever i want and no one will care. the mere concept of being. like. tumblr famous in any capacity, even just in one community/fandom, is viscerally horrifying to me. 

i really enjoy the space i’ve created for myself on here. on one hand, going back through my blog is obviously embarrassing and full of hating my past self. on the other hand, i now have a very nice collection of things i enjoy in this blog. i like seeing what i’ve been interested in and (when i’m in a good mental health place) i like to be able to remember how i thought and talked about the things i loved when i was younger. im not at the place in my life where i can love a younger version of myself, but sometimes i can laugh at zir with a level of fondness. 

i’ve always been paranoid about sharing details about my life on here (and the fact that my parents have always been able to see it certainly contributed), so the version of jack on here is a carefully curated version, who’s super enthusiastic about the things they love, was very conscientious about apologizing and trying to do better when ze messed up, and tried to be polite to others. that’s a younger version of myself that i’m closer to being able to have compassion for than the version i find in essays and poems and memories. 

i’m starting grad school in ten days and i’m still using the blog i started when i began high school. tumblr has helped me in a lot of ways and hurt me in a lot of ways, but i still have to admit that it’s been a significant factor in shaping me. i’d be incredibly embarrassed to admit that irl, but it’s true. other than my family and like one friend, this blog is one of the only things that’s ‘known’ me since i started high school. i’ve changed so much in that time and im glad to have this weird little record of myself throughout those changes, even if i’d probably warn my younger self away from tumblr if i could go back in time.

tl;dr i have had a mixed experience on tumblr and i have mixed feelings about that experience. no idea if anyone read any of this very long, very rambling internet memoir

p.s. fun facts about this blog:

i’ve never changed my icon or blog title

i recently got a second version of the poster i got my blog title from. i chose my blog title by looking at what was hanging on the wall directly in front of me. 

my original url was gloomthkin. this was not, as you’d probably assume, an otherkin thing. i had literally no idea what otherkin was at that point. i’d just learned the word gloomth from a bill bryson book and thought it would be cool n edgy to be the child of the quality of gloom. i changed my url after i learned what otherkin was and realized everyone probably assumed something about me that wasn’t true which i hated (not bc i had an issue w otherkin, just bc i don’t like ppl thinking untrue things about me)

during my good omens days, i once sent a tumblr ask to nail guyman which, in retrospect, was kinda rude. i stand by the content but id never send an ask like that now. he replied to it privately in a way that so deeply embarrassed and shamed 15 year old me that i’ve never gotten over it. i still get nervous and embarrassed when i see anything about him or his books

#gloomth and circumstance #this is definitely not required reading! #i just felt like rambling for a very long time about my feelings and my blog #w bonus blog trivia at the bottom that amuses me and probably no one else

[robotslenderman]

Ewww getting big privileged homophobe vibes from you. Blocking now.

Thank God.

I doubt you'll ever read this, but just in case hate-reading is your thing - I don't know why you bothered with anon. You're obviously not a follower because I talk about how queer I am here ALL THE TIME. I saw many queerphobes on that queer post, and even visited a few of their blogs. (Most of them were TERFs, except one - you, who claimed to be a trans dude. Maybe you are! Maybe you're not a TERF posing as a trans dude and you really are okay with being part of a movement absolutely dominated by TERFs!)

But there was only one that I left a comment on. You'd posted about how queer people are so horrible to call ourselves queer. Like the anthropomorphic personification of class and tact that I am, I trolled you by asking if my queer presence made you uncomfortable.

Clearly, it did. :)

So go ahead. Call me the first mean name that comes to your head, as if it bothered me what a random totally-not-anon thinks I am. I'm totally fine with queerphobes thinking my existence is homophobic, because the only way they'd understand otherwise is if I pretended I wasn't queer. My alleged homophobia is latched on to my identity as a queer person. The only way you would not accuse me of being homophobic is if I stopped calling myself queer.

So you use my very identity as a weapon against me. I am queer, and I am attached to not being a homophobe. You know that queer people do not want to be perceived as something they hate completely by anyone, strangers included, especially on a website where people harass first and listen later (if at all). So you hold us hostage - deny our queerness, and you'll drop your weapon. You'll drop the word "homophobic" and stop pointing it at me.

I'm not gonna cave to this.

Nor am I going to write an outraged essay about how I'm not homophobic. You know perfectly fucking well that not a SINGLE queer person is straight. You know perfectly fucking well that most queer people are same sex attracted or attracted to enbies. You know perfectly fucking well that queer people have accepted that part of us and aren't dealing with internalised homophobia or inflicting it on other people because we ACKNOWLEDGE our queerness and you can see this, otherwise you wouldn't be getting mad about it. In a homophobic society everyone has a degree of it, but by being what we are we have less of it than the great majority.

You know this perfectly well. Don't fucking pretend otherwise, I would have to believe that you are well and truly and sincerely STUPID to think for one second that you think I'm a straight person or a closeted gay person who's lashing out with malicious homophobia. Real homophobia, not "this person is part of a minority I am bigoted against, so I will claim they are inherently homophobic unless they get back in the closet or categorise themself in a way that allows me to fine tune my bigotry appropriately."

Because let's be real. Queer hasn't been used as a slur in decades and was reclaimed before I was even born. "Gay" was the slur of the time when I was growing up, but people like you never had a problem with that. Why? Because gay is clear cut and well defined. The problem people like you have with queers like me - the REAL problem, not the faux outraged you have made up about my label - is that queer means I have declined your insistence to more accurately categorise myself.

I mean, how else would you know specifically how to treat me? I could be bi and you might hate bi people, but if I'm a gay queer you don't want to aim the wrong type of bigotry at me by mistake - not because you care about gay people (you don't, because many gay people are also queer), but because you don't want to make yourself look silly by aiming the wrong type of bigotry at me. I could be queer because I'm an enby, and maybe you're truescum that would despise me for it, but you don't KNOW whether or not I'm an enby and that drives you mad! You don't want to risk alienating people who care about you by shitting on someone they might not agree is an acceptable target, so you target every queer and claim it's about a word when really, many queer people seek refugee under that term to hide from people like you, and you don't like that we can hide from you, so you try to strip our shelter away from us.

(And let's be honest. You probably don't even actually hate us. You're probably just afraid. Afraid of some identity you don't really understand because you've never taken the time to get to know us, or afraid that society will accept you less if we're "competing" for acceptance and so take some of the spotlight... I won't shit on you for fear, anon. We are all afraid of something. But I absolutely have a problem with how you're choosing to knowingly hurt people to cope with it. You called me "homophobe" to hurt me. There was no other way to possibly interpret the context of what you were saying. You meant to do this.)

So take away queer. Take away the shelter of queer. Force every queer person to divulge, upfront, who they are that makes them friends with queer. Force them out of the closet and pretend THAT'S not homophobic.

Send the gay queers back to the L and G of LGBT, let the TERFs flush out the trans people who are queer because they're trans* and shoo them away from LGBTQ spaces. Or maybe you really are trans, but you want to kick out straight trans people, or enbies, or pan people, or bi people, or ace people, or, one of the many populations that make up the true queer community.

* Not all trans people are queer, but many are BECAUSE they're trans. I would say "many are queer because they identify as queer" because that makes it sound like queerness isn't an inherent part of who we are and gives people like you ammo I have no interest in supplying you with. "Aha! So you CHOOSE to be a slur!" I just know you'd completely ignore everything I said to the contrary and say that.

Yes. The true queer community.

We've told you again and again that we're not calling you queer. We've told you again and again, if you're not queer, you're not part of the queer community. You're LGBT+, not queer. I'm not part of the LGBT+ community, I'm part of the queer community.

The queer community is not the true community of people who aren't straight and cis, that's not what I'm saying. We're not any more or less LGBT+ than you. I'm not invalidating the identities of people who aren't straight and/or cis, because they are who they are, and you don't need to be queer to be LGBT+. But we are the true queer community in that we are queer, and people who are LGBT+ but are not queer are not queer. Only queer people are queer.

("But people use queer community as an umbrella term to mean people who aren't queer, but are still LGBT+!" Buddy, if I have to deal with being called LGBT all the time even though it's not true, while having the people who use LGBT obviously mean me too because I'm not straight, then you can live with it too. That's mostly straights doing that, in which case you have no reason to get mad at US, or people who are are making something for a straight audience or a questioning audience, in which case they're making it accessible because not everyone knows the nuance of queer and LGBTALPHABETSOUP discourse. Or even - and I know this thought is incomprehensible to you, as the centre of the universe - it's actually referring to queer people and queer people only, not LGBT+ who aren't queer. Actually, I love that idea! Queer history is now history of queer people, no non-queer LGBT+ allowed :D)

I've never felt LGBT+ even when I thought I was one of the main four letters. But I've always felt queer, even as my understanding of my specific brand of queerness changed. Queer is an umbrella term that is opt in, that covers any and all LGBT+ people who know they are queer too, who know they're one of us, or who simply choose to call themselves queer for whatever fucking reason they want. Some of us are intrinsically queer, some choose to be queer because of the inclusiveness or relative opacity of the term, and you don't know which one a queer person is unless you have earned our trust enough for us to tell you.

And people like you fucking hate that.

So you know what?

I'm totally fine with you calling me a homophobe because the people who actually know more about me than the few sentences I've given you know that that's a joke, and their good opinion matters more to me than yours.

I'm totally fine with you calling me a homophobe because because it means I've won. I've gotten under your skin, just as your bigotry got right under mine. You're furious you can't categorise me. You're pissed off that I could be one of the LGBT+ people you actively dislike and want out of the LGBT+ community, but are finding a hell of a lot harder to flush out of the queer community because we all look the same at first glance and refuse to give you information you feel entitled to. Because it's easy to force people out of the closet in the LGBT+ community, but much fucking harder in a meritocracy like the queer community. To get into the LGBT+ community, you have to tell them which one you are. Queer? No questions asked, cause you already told us all we needed to know! Welcome home!

But let's say this is all a strawman.

That you really are some well meaning person who has nothing against the more obscure queer identities and that you really do just have a problem with the word. That you truly do think that queer people, the great majority of which experience same sex attraction, are... somehow... homophobic just for using the word despite their advocacy against homophobia and total acceptance of that aspect of themselves and others. That our fight for marriage equality and employment and housing protections and human rights is rendered COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY IRRELEVANT because we used a word that Boomers and even some of gen X hurled at each other because a guy was a little bit girly, or a girl refused to grow her hair long, or because men were scared that a man would treat them the way they treated women. (Because queer as an archaic slur, ultimately, comes from misogyny as much as homophobia.)

Let's say you really do mean well and really do know people who were called queers instead of fags, or you really did grow up hearing "that is so queer" to describe things people didn't like, or you really did have "queer" hurled at you by straight people as if there was something wrong with you for not being cis and straight.

(Notice something, there? You probably haven't actually experienced any of that, nor anyone you know. This wank about who I am as a queer person - it's always aimed at us. Never the straights that used it against us. Nobody uses the word queer except queer people any more, I am 99% certain that you don't know ANYBODY who has had it thrown at them AS a slur, so that means that the only people you can target on your crusade are... gender and sexual minorities. Not cis/straight people. Because they're not calling us queers and haven't in decades.

That means you are knowingly targeting minorities over this EXCLUSIVELY, I am completely fucking certain..

... but I'M the homophobe?)

In which case all I can say is: I hope that the well-meaningness that's made you put this hateful thing into my inbox, that's made you say such hateful things to a minority because of their identity (there's a word for treating people differently because they're a minority, especially hostile treatment..), will outshine the hatefulness of what you're saying and lead you to a better way to express your desire to protect people.

If you truly are coming from a misplaced belief that we're somehow deprecating ourselves by being queer, and not a desire to force us out of the closet or to run off any gender or sexual minority, then I apologise for my hostility, acknowledge that learning takes time (and patience that I am unable to give, for I am tired of bad actors pretending they're not and cannot do it), and wish you the best in learning to be inclusive and loving so we can count you one day, at least, as a friend of us queer folk. Maybe one day we'll even welcome you as one of us. I'd love to do that more than I'd like to deal with THIS crap. I can't imagine me going off on you will have helped at all, but from in my experience people who want to protect gender and sexual minorities protect them. They don't target them. That's why I am writing this post under the assumption that you wrote this because you have bad intentions towards me as a queer person, and not out of a well meaning desire to protect anyone you think I've somehow hurt by being me.

In which case? Get fucked.

#long post #queer #queer queer queer #you know how I just said that I often come across as aggressive without intending to? #Disregard that this post is 100% aggressively intended #do not pick on my fellow queer folk or I will Go Off on you #also I don't get using privileged as an insult #that's like insulting me by calling me white #it's a descriptor #some people are privileged #I am privileged in some ways and not so in others #my queerness tho? definitely not

[peterparkerstarker]

Employee Benefits - Starker

Written for my lovely Crush Anon who requested trans!Peter as a go go dancer at a gay nightclub, feat. “daddy kink, praise kink, humiliation, voyeurism, exhibitionism, the good stuff !!!” 

Note: this fic uses the terms pussy and cunt to describe Peter’s junk as a trans man. I chose to use those terms because that’s what he was comfortable with as it plays into the humiliation kink, but it might not be for everyone and that’s okay. As a (mostly) cis writer, I tried really fucking hard to be as respectful as I could be about the trans experience, and make the humiliation more about Peter being desperate for Tony to fuck him than about his trans-ness.

-----------------------------------------------------

Peter was nervous about tonight.

It was his first shift at his new job, and anybody would be nervous on their first day, he reminded himself. It was normal, totally and completely normal.

Except for the fact that this wasn’t a normal job. Not in the least bit. He knew what he was getting himself into when he’d applied. But now that he was actually here, all dressed up and ready to go, he suddenly wondered if this was a bad life decision.

Go go dancer at a gay bar. What the hell was he thinking?

Sure, he and MJ had spent so many late nights practicing his moves, and Ned had lent him the money for his outfit, or at least what little clothing it comprised of. And they’d both lied their asses off to get Aunt May to believe he was safe with them, at an overnight astronomy club field trip. He was 18, so he was perfectly within his right to get a job dancing at this bar, but May would’ve thrown a fit and grounded him, so this was the best option he’d had. 

He shifted awkwardly in his outfit, a red leather chest harness that distracted from the binder he wore under it. At least he hoped it did. Ned had spent all his savings to help Peter order it online, and while Peter had insisted he’d pay him back by Christmas, they both knew there was no way he could afford to. 

He had tight blue shorts on as well, into which he’d securely tucked his packer, another gift from Ned with MJ’s help for his birthday last year. Peter glanced at himself in the mirror one last time before deciding there was nothing else he could do to get ready and would have to just go out and do the fucking job. This is what he’d willingly signed up for, after all. 

He took a deep breath and left the dressing room.

But now, as he stood there at the back of the stage, trembling, he wondered yet again what the fuck he was doing here. But something within him kept pushing him forward, made his legs keep moving until he came into the pulsing neon lights that lit up the club, the bass pounding and thrumming through his body, and with shaking hands he climbed into the cage that would be his work space for the next hour.

“We like to start the new guys out slow, so you’ll just be dancing for an hour at a time, with 30 minute breaks. We’ll see how that goes and then go from there,” the manager of the club had told him when offering him the job. An hour suddenly seemed like a lifetime now.

He let out a haltering breath, clicked the cage closed around him, and closed his eyes, feeling the music beat deep in his chest, connecting with it, letting his hips follow. 

This was the easy part, the part that made him want this so bad. It made him feel high, or drunk or something like that, he honestly didn’t know what either sensation was like, so he had to guess this was similar. Regardless, it felt so fucking good. Like his brain disconnected just enough from his body to be okay. He wasn’t Penis Parker when he danced, he wasn’t the kid at school that everyone gawked and laughed at, he wasn’t any of the shit they put him through. He was just Peter, vibing with the beat and letting his body talk for him. And he didn’t hate his body in those moments. He felt like himself, and that also felt so fucking good.

He opened his eyes, surveying the dark and crowded dance floor, and smiled. People were watching him, entranced by the way he moved, some were even copying him, trying to look cool. Some were significantly more successful than others.

One song blurred into another, faster and more erratic, and he began to let loose a little more, taking up more space in the small cage, grinding against the bars and feeling warm, sweaty hands grope him, desperate to touch him. And fuck, that felt good too. It made him dizzy, being so wanted and desired by these men. They saw him and couldn’t help themselves. And he wanted it just as much as them.

The hour passed in a flash, Peter lost in the music and the groping touch and the high of it all. He saw the light flash that signaled shift change and he begrudgingly let himself out, stopping to wink at a few of the more handsy clubbers on his way out and went back onto the main stage 

‘God, what a fucking trip’, he thought to himself. ‘I could get used to this.’

He stumbled backstage, suddenly so much more tired than he had realized, eager to sit down and take off his shoes. They hadn’t been hurting when he was dancing, but now he was so uncomfortably aware of the way they pinched his right pinkie toe and was desperate for reprieve.

The break went by quickly, shoes off, making sure to drink water and adjust himself in the bathroom, and then being whisked back on stage by the manager because he’d been such a hit that they wanted him back as soon as they could. 

This time, he stepped in with confidence, eyes locking on a gorgeous man with dark rumpled hair, olive skin, and a tight black tank shirt. His skin glistened, tight muscles in full display as he stared back at Peter.

Hungry. That was the look the man was giving him. 

Hunger. 

It made him shiver with need, and god, he wanted to be pressed up tight against this man’s hard sweaty chest, grinding and kissing and nipping at his neck. He kept staring, never letting himself lose sight of the man, dancing just for him this time.

Other hands ghosted across his skin, streaking him with glitter, but he didn’t pay them any mind. He had his sights set on one conquest, and he’d be damned if he lost tonight.

Peter didn’t really have experience with sex, but he didn’t intend to let that stop him. He knew what he liked, knew all the fucked up, degenerate things he craved, and he would be damned if his inexperience was going to hold him back tonight.

He danced out the rest of his second set, eyes locked on the man, daring him silently to come closer, but the man was playing his own wordless game. He never came close enough to touch, never seemed to pay mind to the hordes of man grasping for any skin contact they could get with Peter’s soft, creamy skin. 

He seemed almost… amused now. Like there was a joke only he was in on, and that only made Peter want him more. He wasn’t begging for Peter’s attention like these other men, he knew in no uncertain terms that he deserved it, and was going to get what he wanted. 

It made Peter need him all the more.

His second set finally ended, and as he was climbing out of the cage, pushing away clingy hands of strangers, he lost sight of the man. He’d turned his back for a minute and suddenly the man was gone.

Fuck. 

So much for that…

It was the end of his trial shift and he’d been hoping to sneak onto the dance floor to get up close and personal with the stranger, but try as he might, Peter couldn’t spot him anywhere.

He sighed and hurried back to the dressing room to peel off his sticky clothes and clean up. Tonight had been good, great even, but he was sad about the missed opportunity.

He walked into the dingy backstage room and blinked at the bright light, confused.

The man, the one he’d the past hour eye-fucking while he grinded mostly naked against metal cage bars was sitting there, looking calm and expectant. 

Peter blinked again, confused and speechless. The man smiled a half-cocked grin and extended a hand as if to shake. “I’m Tony. And you are?”

Peter just kept blinking. ‘Jesus’, he thought, ‘Say something!’

He stuttered out his name and felt a blush rising hot and fast to his cheeks. Why was this guy back here? No one but staff was supposed to be back here.

“Bucky didn’t tell me he’d hired a new kid, and I’m gonna have to give him extra hell for not telling me just how incredible you look up there.”

Peter cleared his throat, working up the courage to say, “It’s my first night.. I’m sorry, who are you?”

“Tony. I thought we just went over this?” he said, grinning again and leaning back in the dressing room chair Peter had used earlier.

“No, I know your name’s Tony, but why are you back here? Only staff is allowed, and I don’t want to get in trouble with the manager. He looks like he could kick my ass,” Peter said, finding the courage to square his shoulders and face this man head on.

“Calm down, geez. Bucky isn’t telling anyone shit apparently. I’m Tony, the owner of this bar. Bucky works for me, he’s the bar manager, and he oversees the scheduling and hiring when I’m away for business trips, but this is my bar, I can do whatever I want. And to be quite honest,” he said, looking Peter up and down slowly. “What I want to do right now is you.”

Peter felt like his brain had short circuited just a bit.

This gorgeous man wanted him. And not just in an across a crowded room way. He’d come back to proposition Peter. 

And fuck, did Peter want him. His body was aching and sore, but he wanted to do whatever this man asked of him, his need for this stranger overpowered any need for rest after hours of dancing on display.

Tony quirked his head to the side and added, ”Of course, if you’re not interested that’s perfectly fine, no harm no foul, welcome to the Iron Man team, we’re glad to have you and it’ll be strictly professional from here on out. But I get the sense that’s not what you want, is it?”

Peter shook his head no, maybe a little too eagerly, if Tony’s bark of a laugh was any indication.

Tony gestured to him to come closer, and Peter did, getting close enough to touch, but he refrained.

“I want you to kneel for me.”

And Peter did, falling to the ground wordlessly, entranced by the sheer power this man held over him with a look and a few simple words. He would do just about anything to feel Tony's touch, but that wasn’t the game they were playing, and he was more than happy to play this one out.

Tony stroked his cheek, gently, warm and sweet and never broke eye contact. Peter felt himself practically panting, needy and desperate for more.

“I’m probably twice your age, you know?” tony whispered

“I don’t care.”

“I’m old enough to be your father.”

“Well, I never knew my dad, so what does that matter?”

Tony grinned devilishly at that. “Daddy issues huh? I can most certainly work with that.” He unzipped his pants, pulling out his cock, and letting Peter stare doe-eyed at it in excitement. It was just as gorgeous as him, long and thick and just slightly curved up, cut and defined and glistening at the head with pre-cum. 

A wet dream come to life.

Peter’s mouth watered, he needed so badly to get his tongue on Tony's cock. Needed to taste and feel and suck and swallow. Needed to fuck him and let Tony have his way with him. Needed to be used.

Tony nodded, ever so slightly, and Peter took that as a sign to start, licking up the length of him gently, ever so gently, and smiled as Tony let out a deep groan. He’d never done this before, but he’d watched enough porn to know the basics. 

He knew it wasn’t the best head of Tony's life, but he didn’t care. He was sucking off a stranger on a dirty floor of a gay bar where he was now a gainfully employed go go dancer. Peter wasn’t going to waste a second worrying, he was too lost in the silky texture of Tony’s cock sliding in and out of his mouth, the way his hips thrust to meet Peter’s lips, the panting breaths Tony let out, the little moans of pleasure that encouraged him to keep going, let him know he was doing good.

“Ah, that’s it, such a dirty slut, on your knees for a man you just met. God, you’re gorgeous, lips wrapped around my cock. I wanna wreck you with it, you’d like that, wouldn’t you?” Tony asked.

Peter eagerly nodded, still too focused on licking the head of Tony's cock to properly reply, and Tony grabbed his chin sharply, pulling his face up to look up into his eyes.

“Such a cockslut. You can’t even focus enough to tell me that’s what you want. Bet I could lift you up and fuck you on this table right now and you’d be begging me to fill you. Is that what you want? Me to fuck you till you can’t take any more? Of course, I wouldn’t stop until I was done. I’d keep fucking your tight little hole, make you scream and cry. Do you want me to make you cry Peter?”

And Peter let out a moan ripped from somewhere deep in his chest. He’d never wanted anything more. He could feel himself dripping wet, his shorts were probably soaked through already. 

He needed Tony to pound into him until he came, screaming and crying and begging for more. He needed to be tony’s fuck toy, humiliated and used. His whole body ached with the need to be wrecked by Tony's huge cock. 

Tony saw the desperation in his eyes, the way his lip trembled, and suddenly lifted him up off the floor and onto the cluttered table top. Items clattered to the ground to make room for Peter’s slim body, but they didn’t pay attention to them, too caught up in kissing frantically, biting and sucking, Tony working his mouth down Peter’s neck, hard enough to leave bruises. It hurt so bad, but the minute he lifted his mouth from each spot, a wave of endorphins crashed through his body, like a high he’d never imagined before. He wanted tony to hurt him, keep hurting him enough to make him cry out, anything to keep feeling this fucking good.

Tony unceremoniously pulled down his shorts, packer and all, and stared in wide eyed hunger at Peter’s uncovered skin. 

He suddenly felt so shy, so self conscious. Humiliated. A searing flash of heat worked its way under his skin. No one had seen him like this. Peter didn’t even like to look at this part of himself, but the way Tony looked at him, like an animal ready to pounce, starving and greedy. He pushed those feelings aside. He needed tony to fuck him, needed tony to know how much he wanted him, how wet he got for him.

And Tony did touch him, rubbing his swollen wet clit, gentle circles at first, getting a feel for Peter's body, and then faster, harder, brutal and wonderful all at once. As soon as Tony knew Peter could take a little, he would go full force, overwhelming him with sensation. It made him shake with need. He needed Tony to stuff his cock into him.

Peter let out a whine, grinding hard against his hand, and Tony grasped onto his chin again, holding him  tight with the hand that wasn’t pumping away. 

“Daddy doesn’t like greedy boys, you understand? You'll take what you're given and be grateful for it. Cum sluts don’t get to set the pace. You’re mine right now, and I say when you can come, understand?”

Peter looked away, embarrassed to respond, and Tony clinched harder onto his chin, grip tight enough to bruise. At the same time, his fingers slipped into Peter, two, maybe three? Peter wasn’t sure. All he knew was that Tony filling his pussy up was the best goddamn feeling in the world, and he needed more.

He nodded feverishly, letting out a breathy “ Yes daddy,” and was rewarded with Tony's fingers curling up inside him, hitting a spot that made his vision blur a bit.

“Good boy, such an obedient little thing when you want to be. Daddy’s gonna train you so well. I’ll have you coming all over my hand on command soon enough. You’ll be begging to drink my cum after I'm through with you.”

And as he said that, he took out his fingers, held them up for Peter to see his own pre-cum dripping and glistening in strands between his fingers, and then he was thrusting himself deep into Peter's cunt, the head of his cock hitting deep inside him. He was going to be so sore tomorrow, and the thought of feeling a reminder of tony’s cock deep inside him tomorrow made  him shiver with excitement.

Tony pounded into him, a brutal pace that left him breathless. All the while, he bit and sucked bruises up Peter’s exposed collarbone, the waves of adrenaline hitting even harder with Tony buried deep inside him. He could feel it building, like waves of heat crashing over him. 

“Fuck, Tony, I’m gonna… I think I'm gonna…” 

“That’s it baby boy, come for daddy, want you to come all over my cock, wanna feel you tighten around me, you can do it, come for your daddy.”

And he did, clenching and wet and screaming out Tony's name. He hoped the pounding music from the dance floor was enough to drown out his yells as he came.

And then Tony was yelling along with him, spurting deep inside him, coating him with sticky wet cum, marking him, claiming him. 

They lay there for a minute, Tony's heavy body pressing him down hard against the top of the table, sweaty and panting and grinning at each other like fools. Tony leaned down to kiss him. Gently, ever so gently. A tender kiss that made Peter fall in love that much more.

As Tony pulled out, Peter could feel his cum squelching inside him, oozing out of his gaping hole, cooling as it trickled down, a messy reminder of what they’d just done.

Tony helped Peter up, helped him clean himself up as best as he could, and gave him another kiss, turning Peter’s bruised chin up to stare into his eyes.

“Tomorrow night I want you here an hour early for your shift. We’ve got some extra hands on training to do… understand?” Tony asked, and Peter early agreed.

He collected his stuff, only just now starting to wonder how the hell he was going to hide these bruises from aunt may. He’d just have to tell her he was staying the night at Ned’s tomorrow, and ask MJ to help him conceal them with makeup.

He was about to leave, still floaty and out of it on how good it felt to be fucked like that, when Tony called out, “Make sure to tell Buck thanks from me on the way out, will you?”

Peter stared back, confused.

“He’s been trying to find me a new boy for a while now, he must’ve taken one look at you and known how badly I’d want you.”

Peter flushed, pride and shame swirling into each other. 

“Don’t forget, an hour early tomorrow, and be ready to make daddy happy, understand?” he added, with a wink that made Peter wet all over again.

‘Not too bad for a first night on the job,’ he thought. He could certainly get used to these benefits.

#starker #trans!peter #go go dancer #night club au #gay club au #my fic #my writing

[jewishconvertthings]

Something I’ve noticed come up again and again in conversion-focused/prospective convert spaces is a fascination with orthodoxy. I think a lot of what drives this is the desire for universal recognition and to do things the “right” way. And, since Jews both inside and outside of orthodoxy tend to hold up orthodoxy as the gold standard for halacha and for conversion in particular, people who would never otherwise consider converting orthodox still end up seriously investigating the possibility and/or even attempting it. This becomes especially painful to watch when, for one reason or another (or several) the individual in question simply cannot convert orthodox without making life changes that are, frankly, not worth it or even impossible.

I say this as someone who absolutely, 100% went on this ride.

(This is a Very Long Post, so I’ve put it under a cut)

I am a queer non-binary person in a relationship with another queer non-binary person who is not Jewish and has no plans on converting. Now, at this point in my life, I present in a traditionally feminine way 98% of the time (and was assigned female at birth), the aspects of physical transition that I have accessed are not visible or are easily able to be masked, and for a number of extremely personal reasons I won’t get into here, I have also reached a point in my life where my ability to be attracted to cis men is not something that I automatically reject.

So on a pragmatic level, if I wanted to be orthodox I had two choices: (1) Stay with my partner who I love and have built a life and a home with, who supports my Jewish journey and observance 100%, who loves me no matter how I present myself gender-wise, and whose life experiences as a fellow queer non-binary person allow us to have a profound understanding of each other; or, (2) Leave my partner, and also most likely also make an effort to stamp out or at least conceal the queer and non-binary facets of myself.  

I think it’s pretty clear that I opted to not take path #2, which left me with the decision to either pursue a Conservative conversion or accept being a Noachide. Fortunately, I happened to already have a Conservative community that I really loved and three Conservative rabbis for my beit din, each of whom I tremendously respect. Therefore moving forward with a Conservative conversion did not cause me all that much cognitive dissonance. To be perfectly honest, all told, I think my theological framework fits better within Conservative halacha anyway and there is plenty of space for me to exist and be respected as a queer non-binary person with a non-Jewish spouse.

But despite what I feel is an overall very good outcome to this problem, I still went through a whole grieving process for letting go of the idea of ever converting orthodox, and looking back I felt it was really important to interrogate why. I could of course take the easy way out and say that it was because I was sad to lose this particular shul as my primary community, but that’s not completely true. I still go there sometimes and enjoy it when I do, and also by the time it became clear to me that this was not a community I could convert through, it was no longer my primary shul. I’d already switched.

I could also say that it was because I deeply desired living and sharing community with a congregation where the majority of members took halacha very seriously and lived by those convictions. While I have deep love and appreciation for my Conservative community, the reality is that I am in the minority as someone who keeps a strictly kosher kitchen and one of a handful of people who make much of an effort to be shomer Shabbos. At the same time, I have found and built friendships with those who do take a more traditional approach to observance who also share other values of mine as well. So I have ultimately ended up in the exact kind of community I desired, even if it isn’t the numeric majority of the congregation as a whole.

There was also a very real period where I needed to sort out my understanding of what I believed about what Torah even is, and how I wanted to build my Jewish observance from that understanding. (Namely, that even though I can never say that I believed with perfect faith that the Torah was given directly to Moshe by G-d on Mt. Sinai in its entirety and in fact believe that most of the evidence points away from that understanding, I also felt it was important to essentially accept it as an underlying assumption for interpretive and halachic purposes. I have . . . evolved a bit since then, but honestly haven’t moved too far from that position.)

The point is that there were actual, real reasons other than just for the validity.

But if I’m being extremely honest with myself, while it was far from being the only reason or the “real” reason, it was nevertheless a not-insignificant reason for why I was disappointed and felt a loss. I understand the other pieces pretty well at this point, and so with the benefit of time and some emotional distance, I decided to examine this a bit more deeply.

I think the problem is two-fold. First, I think that the same intense beliefs and emotions that drive someone to do something as drastic as converting to Judaism to begin with also create a desire to do so in the most intensive way possible. Amongst myself and the many other conversion students and converts I’ve met, irrespective of our many differences, our passion for Judaism and our enthusiasm in Jewish engagement are near-universals. For better or worse, that tends to manifest as a desire for a high level of observance and for a community that shares that commitment.

Second, I think that converts of whatever background, but especially those of us who are marginalized in other ways, tend to be under a great deal of scrutiny from the rest of the Jewish community as to our motives and our processes for becoming Jewish. While I don’t doubt that this is painful for anyone, this can hit especially hard if you have experienced some other kind of serious invalidation, erasure, and/or rejection in other areas of your life.

So I think, after having sat with this a bit, part of that feeling of hurt and loss comes as a sort of echo trauma from having been erased and rejected as a queer non-binary person. The invalidation I’ve received both outside and inside the queer/trans community has been significant enough that the idea of stomaching more rejection, more invalidation, and more treatment as an interloper was a tough pill to swallow. Combine that with my genuine passion for Judaism and desire for an observant Jewish life and community, and you had a perfect storm of me reaching for a community that was, all told, not a good fit.

I eventually moved past that stage, and ended up quite happy in my Conservative community. So what’s the problem? Why am I bringing up such a painful topic if it turned out fine?

Here’s the thing: I’d seen other people ride this emotional rodeo before and so while I anticipated these feelings of rejection, I was afraid of experiencing them and tried to avoid doing so by being hyper-aware of the possibility. It didn’t work. Unfortunately, this was just something I had to figure out on my own. However, there was another effect I’d seen as well, namely that once people had processed the immediate sadness, there was usually a bit of backlash afterwards. I saw this especially with a particular friend who regularly expressed not just legitimate criticisms of orthodoxy, but lashed out angrily towards anyone who expressed an interest in orthodoxy or who happened to be orthodox and talk positively about their experiences. This was serious enough that it almost ruined our friendship.

I did manage to mostly avoid this latter effect because I actively built relationships within my orthodox community and maintained them even afterwards, and because I refused to make that rejection a personal thing. I also gave myself ample space from that community and have only engaged to the extent that I can do so in a healthy, comfortable way. But it’s worth noting that despite controlling my outer reaction, I definitely had to process and work my way through that same anger internally.

I raise all of this for the following reason:

I haven’t seen anyone talking about this much, and what I have seen has not been constructive or compassionate. While I don’t think reading about my seemingly typical (even cliché) experiences as someone who was not a good fit for orthodoxy trying to shoehorn myself into it for understandable (but ultimately futile) reasons will spare anyone the emotional ride of having that experience, nor do I think it will likely help anyone avoid having to experience it themselves to be sure, I do think that it may help with a couple issues. First, I think it may help outsiders who have observed this trope have a bit more compassion for those going through it and be able to offer some better responses than derision or telling folks to just get over it. Basically, realize that these are growing pains, and try to be kind and mature about it.

Second, I think it may help people who are on the verge of going through that experience and/or who are in the middle of it to understand that it is A Thing, that it is not an inherently bad thing, that they are not bad people for having to go on this emotional journey, that it is reasonable for them to have hard feelings about it, and that the only thing they really do need to be careful of is how they treat the people in their communities and not take this out on them. Ultimately, if you are unable to convert orthodox for reasons outside your control (or even just realize that you inherently don’t have the right worldview for orthodoxy/have an actual desire to live an orthodox lifestyle) there are usually other ways of meeting your community and observance-related needs and it is best to start exploring them sooner rather than later.

Collectively, I think I would challenge conversion students and liberal converts who are considering an orthodox conversion to seriously consider if there are other ways to meet your spiritual and community needs. If so, why pursue orthodoxy? You really do need an honest answer to that question, even if it takes a bit of soul-searching to get there. If it’s about universal recognition, you need to stop immediately and reconsider. (Understand that there basically is no such thing. Then understand that this means that you will have to build an internal Jewish identity that is unrelated to how random people without community decision-making power view you.) Finally, I’d ask that you try really hard to separate the larger trends and systems within orthodoxy from individual Orthodox Jews you happen to encounter.

And of course, I would challenge folks to leave passing judgment on any given conversion student’s process and motivations up to their sponsoring rabbi.

[arcticdementor]

Kayfabe is a treasured part of pro wrestling culture. Kayfabe refers to the commitment of everyone involved (the wrestlers, the refs, the announcers, and to a certain degree the fans) to maintaining the shared fiction that pro wrestling matches are unscripted. (Wrestling is real, in the sense that the athletes are taking real punishment and risk really getting hurt, and there is a degree of improvisation, but the outcomes are predetermined.) Kayfabe has had a kind of mythical importance to many in the pro wrestling community: you keep kayfabe no matter what, even in the event of serious injury, out of a sense of sacred commitment. Crucial to understanding kayfabe is that it is not an attempt to deceive the audience. Modern wrestling is in some ways perfectly open about the scripted nature of the matches. Fooling people is not the point. If every fan signed an affidavit saying they knew the outcomes were predetermined the wrestlers would still keep kayfabe, out of commitment to the culture. Kayfabe is a mutually-approved illusion. It is artifice, but it is mutually agreed upon artifice, a consensual fantasy.

Our current political culture is kayfabe.

The illusion that we pretend to believe is that we are in some sort of uniquely politically fertile moment for progressivism and social justice, that we are experiencing a social revolution or “Great Awokening.” Further, we keep kayfabe by acting as if we believe that certain policies like police abolition or abolishing border enforcement (or if you prefer utterly meaningless sloganeering, “abolishing ICE”) are tangibly viable in anything like the near future. I say that these are kayfabe to emphasize my belief that most people who endorse these beliefs are well aware that they are not true, and to underline the sense in which the commitment to unreality is mutual, an expression of a strange kind of social contract. Most thinking adults comprehend the current moment and understand that the hand of establishment power and the influence of social inertia are as strong as ever. (Why would you feel otherwise?) But because people have understandably been moved by recent righteous calls for justice, they feel they must accept the fiction of a new awakening to show solidarity with the victims of injustice. This is emotionally understandable, but strategically counterproductive. And indeed one thing that has defined these new social movements is their relentless commitment to the emotional over the strategic.

…

Living in a culture of political kayfabe is a strange experience. It feels the way that, I imagine, it feels to live under a truly authoritarian government, where you’re constantly having exchanges where everyone involved knows that what they’re saying is bogus but you push right through the cognitive dissonance with a smile on your face. Only you’re not compelled by the fear of torture or imprisonment but of vague-but-intense social dictates, of the crucial priority of appearing to be the right kind of person. So often political conversations today have this dual quality where you feel forced to constantly evaluate what your interlocutor actually believes even as propriety compels you to take seriously what’s coming out of their mouth.

A major negative consequence of our commitment to kayfabe lies in our acceptance of behaviors we would ordinarily never accept, under the theory that this is such a special time, we need to shut up and go along with it. Take our broken discourse, as frequently discussed in “cancel culture” debates. My experience and my intuition tell me that almost everyone in the progressive/left/socialist world knows that our discourse norms and culture are totally fucked up. Trust me: most people in liberal spaces, Black and white, male and female, trans and cis, most certainly including people in academia and media, are well aware that we’ve entered into a bizarre never-ending production of The Crucible we can’t get out of. They’re probably just as sick of Woko Haram as I am.

But they’re either empowered and enriched by this state of affairs, and don’t want the party to end, or they’re holding on for dear life trying not to get their lives ruined for speaking out of turn. Look past self-interest and self-preservation and you’ll find that everybody knows that the way left spaces work now is horribly broken and dysfunctional. The problem is that thinking people who would ordinarily object don’t because they’ve been convinced that this is some sort of special moment pregnant with progressive potential, and that is more important than rights, compassion, or fairness. So we maintain a shared pretense that things are cool the way you go through the motions on an awful date where you’re both aware you’ll never see each other again.

If I say “cancel culture,” normies indeed don’t know what I’m talking about, because they are healthy, adjusted people with a decent set of priorities who value their own time and lives too much to get caught up in all of this horseshit. But if I say “cancel culture” in front of a bunch of politics-obsessed professional-class shitlibs they will pretend to not know what I’m talking about. They’ll put on a rich fucking show. They do an impression of Cletus from The Simpsons and go “cancel culture?!? Hyuck hyuck what’re that? I’m not knowing cancel culture, I’m just a simple country lad!” These are people who have read more about cancel culture in thinkpieces than I read about any topic in a year. But pretending you don’t know what cancel culture is happens to be a key part of the performance, a naked in-group signifier, so they pretend. The “I don’t know what cancel culture is” bullshit performance is kayfabe at its most infuriating. I know you know what cancel culture is because you’re currently using it to demonstrate your culture positioning by pretending you don’t know what it is. You fucking simpleton.

People say and do weird shit and it’s all wrong but you just pretend like it isn’t. Who wants to be the one caught making waves? When you’re in a group of people and someone engages in something patently ridiculous - when, for example, someone says “AAVE” in an ordinary social situation with no academic or political reason to use jargon, even though everyone there knows the phrase “the way Black people talk” is more elegant, useful, and true - and the moment passes and there’s this inability to look each other in the eye, when everybody starts studying their drink and clearing their throat, that’s life under kayfabe.

Getting to this is not normal. It’s not a healthy state of affairs. It can only happen when people come to believe that self-preservation requires pretending things are OK.

…

It is at this point that people say that “defund” does not mean “abolish,” which is true, and Defund the Police indeed does not mean “abolish the police.” Defund the police means nothing, now, though I’m sure that the people who started using it had noble intentions. At this point it’s a floating signifier, an empty slogan that people rallied around with zero understanding of what semantic content it could possibly contain. If it’s meant to be a radical demand, why use the vocabulary of an actuary? If it’s meant to mean a meaningful but strategic drawdown of resources, why use it interchangeably with “abolish”? I cannot imagine a more comprehensive failure of basic political messaging than Defund the Police. Amateur hour from beginning to end.

I take the political concept of alternatives to policing seriously, in the same way I take many political ideas seriously that are not likely achievable in my lifetime. I know there are deeply serious people who are profoundly committed to these principles and who have thought them through responsibly. I appreciate their work and become better informed from what they say. But their ideas did not reign last year. A faddish embrace of a thoughtless caricature of police abolition reigned, pushed with maximum aggression and minimal introspection by the shock troops of contemporary progressive ideas, overeducated white people with more sarcasm than sense.

Policing will not end tomorrow or next month or next year. And whoever you are, reading this, you are well aware of that fact. The odds of police abolition in any substantial portion of this country are nil. Indeed, I would say that the likelihood of meaningful reduction in policing in any large region of this country, whether measured by patrolling or funding or manpower, is small. Individual cities may reduce their police forces by a substantial fraction, and I suspect that they will not suddenly devolve into Mega-City One as a result. (Though I can’t say initial data in this regard is encouraging.) I hope we learn important lessons about intelligent and effective police reform and more sensible resource allocation from those places. But the vast majority of cities will not meaningfully change their policing budgets, due to both the legitimate lack of political will for such a thing - including in communities of color - and broken municipal politics with bad incentives.

…

Living under kayfabe makes you yearn for plainspoken communication, for letting the mask fall. The professed inability of progressives to understand why woke-skeptical publications like this one keep succeeding financially is itself a slice of kayfabe. They know people are paying for Substacks and podcasts and subscribing to YouTubes and Patreons because it’s exhausting to constantly spend all of your time pretending things that don’t make sense make sense, pretending that you believe things you don’t to avoid the social consequences of telling the truth.

When you’re someone who spent the past several decades arguing that the American university system is not hostile to conservative students, that it doesn’t try to force extremely contentious leftist views onto students, and then you watch this video, how do you react? I think many people, most people, even most people committed to the BLM cause, see that video and wince. That is not how we get there. Browbeating 20 year olds for not parroting your politics back at you is not how racial justice gets advanced. But if you’re caught in this moment, how do you object? Acknowledge that, yes, in fact, it is now plainly the case that many professors see it as their job to forcefully insist on the truth of deeply controversial claims to their students, berating them until they acquiesce? Well that would be an unpleasant conversation with the other parents when you pick up your kid from Montessori school. So you just choose not to see, or keep you mouth shut, or speak in a way that maintains the illusion.

I mean there is the absurdity of what she’s saying to contend with - the now fairly common view that policing was literally invented in the antebellum South purely to enforce slavery, because in ancient Rome if someone came in your house and stole your stuff you’d just be like “oh damn, that sucks.” Is there a relationship between modern policing and slavery? Of course. Does the legacy of slavery and Jim Crow infect modern policing at every point? Sure. Should we make political and policy decisions that recognize that historical influence on policing, especially given the racist reality of policing right now? Yes. But what good does it do anyone to pretend that the concept of “the police” is 250 years old? Why on earth would we get the correct shit we do believe tangled up with this bizarre shit we don’t believe? (The professor in that video does not herself honestly believe the police were invented to support African slavery in 18th and 19th century America.) Because this utterly ahistorical idea is being promulgated by people who claim to speak from a position of justice, we are forced to assign seriousness to it that it hasn’t earned, seriousness that it could never deserve. Because we live in a world of mutual delusion. Because of kayfabe.

…

And the fact that some will wrinkle their noses about this piece and its arguments, go about their days of progressive performance art, and pretend they don’t believe every word they just read? That’s kayfabe, my friend. That’s kayfabe. And we’re trapped in it, all of us, you and I. You know it’s all bullshit. Will you keep the code anyway? I’m willing to bet that the answer is yes.

#freddie deboer #substack #woko haram

[canarycontessa]

in no particular order, things I've learned having PCOS

1.  Root cause, root causes, ROOT CAUSES. 

Do you know what the course of treatment looks like if you don't address root causes? It looks like a bandaid for each individual symptom: progesterone to "jumpstart" your hormones (which you can only take for a few months before it starts fucking with your bones), metformin for your insulin issues, electrolysis or waxing for your facial hair, etc. 

NONE OF WHICH gets down to root causes or is in any way approaching a permanent solution (with the possible exception of laser hair removal or electrolysis). 

I’m not knocking these things; if they help in any way and fit your course of action, go for it. But these things are not a cure. There is no formal cure for PCOS, but the thing that puts it in a kind of remission is a complete sea change in terms of how you eat, sleep, exercise, and just generally live your life. Everything from the eggs you buy to the type of pads you use is up for reevaluation.

2.  Exercise does not (directly) affect fat loss, only muscle gain, body comp and hormone regulation. Know it’s benefits and its limits in your regimen. Or, you cannot out-exercise a poor diet. 

Your particular relationship to the scale is something you need to nail down and fast. If you know you’re obsessive and prone to daily weighing, get rid of the scale entirely. If you like tracking yourself week to week, go ahead. Either way, please know that your progress wrt: diet and exercise aren’t always going to be reflected on the scale. 

Unless you’re doing some sort of bodybuilder bulking/cutting thing, then you’re typically going to lose fat WHILE gaining muscle if you have a sensible plan. This can translate to looking better and losing inches while staying the same or even going up on the scale. Don’t be fooled. 

All of this goes for everybody, really, but it goes double and triple for people with PCOS. Get the “calories in/calories out” mindset out of your head. Focus on your hormonal balance. Go by how your clothes fit, how you look naked, how you feel when you move, the feats you become capable of that you weren’t before.  

3.  Your desires are not shallow. No, not even your "shallow" ones. Wanting to look good naked, wanting to not have stubble or hyperpigmentation, and wanting a sex drive that’s more on-point is just as valid as wanting to have a baby or wanting to prevent your prediabetes from becoming full blown diabetes. Period. No buts. I said what I said. And if anyone tells you otherwise or tries to make these things seem frivolous? 

Tune them the fuck out. 

You’re the one who has to live with this disorder, not them, so they can fuck right off. Yes, even your doctor or your mother or your boyfriend or your minister or whoever the fuck. Yes, even other people with PCOS. 

I say this as someone who never has and never will want children, and is more concerned with preserving my health and beauty well into my middle age than I am with fertility. I’m not curing cancer, but neither is any broad that wants to get knocked up. 

We each want what we want. Let’s leave each other to our own wants, shall we?

4.  There's a limit to what a doctor can (or sometimes is even willing) to do for you here, so you have to take the wheel. Remember what I said about band aids? Unless you go to an endocrinologist or someone who specializes in hormonal/reproductive health or just a general practitioner who gives a damn, you’re not going to find an abundance of help with a doctor. 

It’s sad to say, but a lot of general practitioners are either unequipped, underqualified, uninformed or (worst case scenario) just flat out uninterested in helping with what they consider a nebulous disorder at best, or a series of low-priority nuisance issues at worst. 

My main solution to this is to understand deeply and unwaveringly: They may be the doctor, but you are the expert on your own lived experience. Find a doctor that not only knows their business, but who knows that you two are a team.

I’ve been lucky enough to experience both ends of this spectrum. Yes, even the bad ones. 

I’ve had the best insurance money could buy utterly wasted on a doctor that spent months of my time telling me my kidneys were shutting down due to blood in my urine when I already made it clear that the “blood in my urine” was actually my menorrhagia. He completely discounted my lived experience of menstruating for a full 15 - 20 days out of EVERY MONTH and came up with a disorder of his own, wasting so much time sending me back for renal scans whenever the “blood in my urine” didn’t correspond to my test results reflecting perfectly normal kidneys. This guy outright told me that he was more concerned with my hypertension than he was with addressing anything else going on with me. As if it wasn’t all connected.  

I’ve also had supposedly lesser medical staff that took my concerns seriously, conducted examinations promptly, listened to what I had to say and actually laid out what my options were so that I could decide how we should proceed from there. It was one of these places that actually found out that what I’d been dealing with for years was PCOS, giving the beast that tormented me a name so I could draw a target on its back. They broke down their methodology for determining it into layman terms I could understand: 

“your period has these abnormalities, you have these visual markers (skin tags, facial hair, hyperpigmentation), your insulin is up in the prediabetic range and you have multiple benign but problematic cysts on your ovaries. We’ll test a few other hormonal markers in your blood and urine panel but otherwise it’s safe to say you have PCOS”      

5.  There will be people will treat your illness as trivial, not real, a product of unclean living, a product of hysteria and/or all in your head. Even loved ones. Even doctors Even yourself, at times.

6.  Hopelessness and discouragement are almost literally parts of this illness, so treat them as you would any other symptom. I say almost literally because mood swings and a higher probability of depression come with the turf. Also, the uphill battle you’re facing from medical professionals (see Item 4) and even your loved ones just piles onto all this. Overall, this hormonal disorder just wears you down. Self care becomes even more important than ever before, as does finding a community of other women dealing with this.  

7.  Don't get sucked into terf shit while trying to reclaim your femininity. This isn’t really about the disorder itself, I just really wanted to sound off on this right quick (keep in mind I’m a cis woman saying this, I’m not as informed about trans issues as a trans person, but I’m trying to be a good neighbor here. Please do your own research and please understand that hitting up your nearest trans person doesn’t count as research. Google is free and there are literally so many academic and anecdotal resources).

My POV on this is as a cisgender black woman with this disorder. I’ve had my femininity questioned, mocked, and outright denied (misogynoir at its finest) since I was a child. I’ve seen people both overtly and subtly project their weird ideas about gender onto me. And yet I know I don’t go through even a TENTH of the bullshit and violence that trans women of color do. My pain may be legitimate, but it does not give me or anyone with any integrity a free pass to turn the trans community into one big punching bag for my own frustrations.    

There’s nothing terfs love more than preying on vulnerable women that they feel they can recruit. Learn to spot the dogwhistles and reject the sales pitch. They’ll try to court you and make you feel so understood and welcome. Don’t fall for it. I don’t care if J.K. Rowling herself becomes your best buddy. Don’t go there. 

#pcos #menorrhagia #misogynoir #transmisogyny #transmisogynoir #hyperpigmentation