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justafriend-ql · 1 year

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"i don't want to be your burden" (never let me go, ep. 12)

for many, palm's decision to leave nueng in the finale of never let me go was surprising and seemed like an out-of-character, lazy way of writing in last-minute drama. i'd like to argue that it was actually completely consistent with palm's character. thinking that leaving nueng is the best thing he can do for him is a culmination of all palm's deep-seated insecurities:

that he is worthless if he is not of service

that loving him is burdensome

that he does not deserve the love of someone like nueng

let's consider the roots of each of these insecurities, how they influence palm's decision to leave, and how nueng ultimately addresses them, allowing them to move forward in their relationship as true equals.

that he is worthless if he is not of service

palm inherits this particular insecurity from chanon, the absent father who instills in him a strong sense of duty and reprimands him when he fails to fulfill said duties. the clearest example of this dynamic is when chanon scolds palm for failing to stop nueng from drinking alcohol at the party in episode 4. ignoring the injuries palm has sustained protecting nueng in the fight that broke out, chanon brutally tears into him, yelling that palm is undeserving of his trust (and affection, apparently). he says he is completely disappointed in palm, and when palm begs his dad to show an ounce of concern about his broken arm, questioning why he must care more about nueng's family, chanon responds with a harsh slap across the face.

being able to perform his duty well is critical to palm's sense of self-worth. we see this in a positive sense whenever he gains happiness and confidence from taking care of nueng (e.g., "when i see you are feeling relaxed, i feel i've done my job well"). but in the face of failure, his fragile confidence shatters, revealing a deep sense of inadequacy. after his mother is killed, nueng tells palm that his mother must have loved him and been very proud of him. but palm rejects the idea, saying there's nothing about him to be proud of because he "can't protect anyone."

when palm realizes his leg is paralyzed, all his fears about not being able to perform his duty come to fruition. his duty is all he feels that he has to offer nueng, but now he's bedridden, incapable of taking care of him. it's an especially hard blow considering the way the series has framed palm as the "body" to nueng's mind. what is he now, without this body?

his conversation with tanya at the hospital only further confirms his insecurities about no longer being able to take care of nueng. tanya notes that nueng is "mature and self-sufficient" now. (and how can palm disagree, seeing nueng stride confidently out the door to take an international work call, all suit and tie and polished english accent?) meaning well, tanya tells palm he doesn't have to take care of nueng anymore, that she can find someone else to do the job. the alarm in palm's eyes at hearing this is palpable, his mother's warning that he's replaceable to nueng's family surely ringing in the back of his head.

that loving him is burdensome

speaking of palm's mother - this next insecurity comes primarily from her. mam left chanon and palm because she felt she "couldn't breathe" under the weight of the responsibilities of motherhood. she tells palm that being a mother was too tiring, that it robbed her of the ability to follow her dreams and live her life in the way she wanted. the message palm receives is that it is a burden to love and take care of him, one that even his own mother was unwilling to shoulder.

after the wedding, mam expands on this idea that love, more generally, is a burden. she tells palm that love can rob people of their freedom and reminds him to consider that there is more to life than love. palm leaves nueng because he does not want to stifle his freedom in the way that chanon's love stifled that of his mother.

palm's fear of holding nueng back emerges in full force when he is injured and reliant on nueng for help. he worries about the work nueng is missing, asking why he is "wasting his time" taking care of him at the hospital. nueng tries to reassure him that it's normal for lovers to be there for each other "both in good and bad times," but in palm's experience, that hasn't been the case. when has his father been there for him? his mother? moreover, his parents didn't stick by each other through thick and thin either. not wanting to repeat their mistakes, palm refuses to be a "burden" to nueng.

that he does not deserve the love of someone like nueng

on top of these insecurities, palm must contend with the doubt that a working-class boy like him is a fitting partner for nueng, the heir of a prominent business conglomerate. reminders of palm and nueng's status difference have abounded throughout the series and come from spectators of all kinds. chanon continually warns palm to "know his place" (i.e., the kitchen, the back of the car, the small bedroom they share). palm's friends, aun and maggie, both question why palm cares so much about nueng, giving that he's so above their social standing. and there's kit, who derisively calls palm part of tanya's "charity work." (it's no mistake that palm pointedly tells chopper that he doesn't want to be anyone's "charity project" when he offers to pay for his medical bills.)

palm is keenly aware that nueng may soon move onto someone "better" than him. when he gets nueng's name tatooed on his back, it's so he has a reminder of him, assuming they are not together in the future. when nueng asks him about the future in episode 11, palm still keeps his expectations low. he says even though he wants to be with nueng, he's not sure nueng will still want to be with him, given how "different" they are.

palm is especially worried about what tanya will think of their relationship, telling nueng it might be "too early" to tell her about it. nueng, who has the privilege to overlook the awkward position palm is in, is happy to leave palm alone in tanya's room to tell her about their "lives on the island." of course, palm chooses not to tell her anything about their relationship. and when tanya says she hopes nueng won't face any more obstacles in his life, all palm can do is look on in wary silence, knowing that a life with him (physical injuries aside) will be far less cushy than one with someone wealthy.

the goodbye letter

palm's goodbye letter is full of language indicative of these three insecurities, conveying his deep-seated belief that he is not worthy of nueng's love. i've copied an excerpt of his letter below and put the especially relevant pieces in bold:

I'm sorry that I can't keep the promise I gave you. Please don't waste your time on me anymore. I know that you love me. Thank you so much. But I want you to love yourself more. You should live your life without worrying about me.For all these times, being loved by you, I'm so lucky to have that.It's more than I could ever dream of. If you really love me, please don't look for me. Because this is what I want.

it's interesting to compare palm's goodbye letter to nueng's, because in many ways, palm's letter is a response to his.

This letter is an order to you. I'll order you as a boss and you need to follow my order. ... This is the problem that I will face for the rest of my life. You and your dad can't fix it. This is the problem that my mom and I need to fix ourselves. ... I hope you will start a new life with someone who can truly love you. One day, when everything is over and I am still alive, I'll be waiting to meet the person that you love. I wish you to have a happy life and a good family. Don't worry about our story. I'll keep it a secret. You won't have any problem because of it.

in their letters, both nueng and palm use language acknowledging that they cannot stay together, suggesting that they see themselves as burdens to one another, and hoping their lives will be happier without them in it. (their parallel lack of self-worth is a subject for a whole other post.) the key difference is in tone: nueng's letter is formal, a polite but distanced order from boss to subordinate; meanwhile, palm's letter is emotional, a plea from one lover to another. this difference is also indicative of palm's insecurities: just as all palm can offer nueng is his love, his love is all he can use as leverage to persuade nueng to obey his command.

reunion and resolution

once palm and nueng are reunited at the beach, they revisit and address each of palm's insecurities, ensuring that they are able to resume their relationship on equal footing.

that he is worthless if he is not of service

when palm admits that he left because he was worried he couldn't take care of nueng, nueng assures palm that he doesn't need to *do* anything to deserve his love, addressing palm's doubt that he is only worthy of love as long as he is useful. nueng tells palm he's proud of him already and that he has nothing to "prove" because all nueng cares about is that palm loves him.

2. that loving him is burdensome

nueng disabuses palm of the idea that loving him is a burden first by telling him how much their separation was a burden to him ("do you know how terrible it felt to be worried about you all the time?"). then, nueng honors palm's wish to "build everything on his own" rather than rely on nueng's money to do so, easing palm's concerns about taking advantage of him. finally, they agree to each pursue their independent dreams while recognizing that their romantic relationship can withstand their physical separation.

3. that he does not deserve the love of someone like nueng

palm and nueng finally resolve the status difference between them when palm agrees to call nueng by name, without honorifics, and talk to him in an impolite register. this linguistic shift is indicative of the fact that they are no longer boss/subordinate, but rather equals. (and nueng also reiterates that he has never cared about palm's status, clarifying that he's been flirting with him from the start.)

with all of palm's insecurities addressed and resolved, there is no doubt or ambiguity between nueng and him anymore. rather than a last-ditch attempt to add drama, palm leaving nueng was a clever and well-thought-out writing decision. it forces all of the lingering issues in their relationship to their surface and pushes nueng to fight for palm, just as palm has fought for nueng. it completes the role reversal that has stretched across the whole series - starting with palm taking care of nueng and making him stronger, more confident person and shifting to nueng doing the same for palm. what could have been a very one-sided relationship was in reality always about mutuality and reciprocity. both palm and nueng had to choose each other, and they did.

#i hope this makes sense my brain is a bowl of emotional spaghetti about palm and all his doubts #never let me go #nlmg #never let me go meta #palmnueng #nuengpalm

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