#like I am happy it is so much easier now

[rnanqo]

it is like, sort of ridiculous how much easier nanowrimo has gotten over the years for me. i remember being in high school and just absolutely fucking gritting my teeth to get through the last few hundred words each day. extracting everything I had and discovering it was only like 30 words. having absolutely no idea what to do plot-wise. having absolutely no idea how people even thought of plots. because i just couldn’t! i couldn’t do it and i didn’t know why! I threw so many random events at those drafts because I could not conceive of any other way to build a story. and i struggled through the 50k each year somehow with like Herculean fucking effort, and don’t get me wrong I am very proud of little me, but im also mad it was so hard!

this year I can draft like 3-4 pages by hand, and type them up, and that usually gets me over 1667. if not, it’s not too hard to carry on from there. i am ahead. i have coherent ideas about what I am doing and how to get there. I have an ending and I can rotate a whole project in my head like a beautiful rotisserie chicken. this specific change is not due to years of writing experience. this is because i got properly medicated. i have actual working memory capacity now. i have the mental processing space necessary to write a coherent story, which I didn’t even know was something i was missing. the difference is boggling. i just thought i naturally struggled with big-picture stuff and that would never change. no bitch!!! i have a goddamn motherfucking neurological disorder

#like I am happy it is so much easier now #but I’m so mad I worked so hard on trying to understand plot when it never stuck because….I needed a functioning working memory #hahah. #nanowrimo

[chalkrub]

made a little linocut for pixie <:^) miss her so much

#my art #illustration #linocut #printmaking #cat #it's getting easier but it's still hard in different ways now. but i am genuinely just happy she was alive and healthy for so long #went to see the new exorcist yesterday and it was pretty bad but also funny and good at points (the start) #but the REAL win was that I got 2 scoops of ben and jerrys (phish food and cookie dough for those wondering. the best flavours) #and the lady crammed as much ice cream into the pot as posible. like 2 VERY generous scoops followed by extra shoved on top #i had to resist asking to shake her hand she made me want to do like a pledge of allegiance or something

[batbabydamian]

Hey, I started reading Robin son of Batman because of your recommendation (I literally have a print of your post on my phone to not forget lol). Honestly? One of the best things I ever read!!!

Thank you for opening my eyes! Damian has been one of my favorite characters for over a year, but I didn't read/watch much of him because of school, life (and probably an executive dysfunction in the mix).

Maya is incredible. I loved her.

I haven't finished all the issues yet, but do you have any other recommendations?

WAH this makes me so happy, i'm glad you still gave it a shot even with how busy life is!! ;v;

i’d love to give reccs, and i’ll try to go a beginner friendly route! tbh you can pick up whatever here, but since you've read R:SOB i’d immediately follow up with Batman and Robin (2011) #1-8! this first arc is what’s referred to in Maya’s introduction, and it's just. so good.

Main Books

Batman and Robin (2009)

Dick as Batman with Damian as his Robin!

#20-22 Tree of Blood: Dark Knight vs White Knight arc is done by Tomasi and Gleason, the team for the next Batman and Robin series

*Batman and Robin (2011)

Bruce and Damian figuring out their relationship as both Batman & Robin and father & son

imo you can enjoy the ride and read straight through this but i’ll add context to avoid as much confusion as possible since there’s the occasional tie-in or offscreen events, like Damian’s death nbd

Batman Incorporated (2012) #1-10

events leading to Damian's death - affects Batman and Robin (2011) from issue #18

kind of a tough read especially with how Talia's written, but a lot of iconic bits like Batcow, Damian's vegetarian declaration, Alfred the cat, "We Were the Best, Richard."

Robin (2021)

another self-discovery adventure, particularly after Alfred’s death and a fallout with Bruce (and questionable writing choices from his last Teen Titans run)

Batman and Robin (2023)

currently ongoing! after a number of events, Bruce and Damian are back as a duo

Damian Dynamics!

Batman: Streets of Gotham (2009) #7, 10-12

arc where Damian meets one of his first Gotham friends, Colin Wilkes

Batgirl (2009) #5-7, #17

Steph and Damian dynamic! "the bad cop, worse cop" dysfunctional duo

Red Robin (2009) #13-14

early Tim and Damian dynamic that of course includes fighting haha. funny enough, accidentally my first intro to Damian LOL

Teen Titans (2003) #89-92

Dick!Batman has Damian join the Teen Titans. Start of Damian and Rose Wilson dynamic that’s extended in Robin (2021)

Batman: Gates of Gotham (2011)

Damian meets Cass and has a brief team up

Gotham Academy (2015) #7

Damian meets Maps Mizoguchi! they have a few other meetings, but outside of that the series itself is a great read!

Robin War Event (2015)

Robin War (2015) #1, Grayson (2014) #15, Detective Comics (2011) #47, We Are Robin (2015) #7, Robin: Son of Batman (2015) #7, Robin War (2015) #2

Duke and Damian dynamic! not exactly beginner friendly but these are the main issues in order for the event! you can also read the TPB version for everything including Tie-Ins

Nightwing (2016) #16-20, #42, #43

#16-20 Nightwing and Robin arc!

#42 Dick on a mission to save Damian! the one appearance of "Wiggles" the dragon

#43 Dick, Roy, and Damian team-up

New Talent Showcase 2018 "Catwoman: Pedigree"

Selina, Damian, and Alfred the cat

Batman: Prelude to the Wedding - Robin vs. Ra's Al Ghul (2018)

Selina, Damian, and Cheese Viking - Damian's fav game shown in Nightwing: Rebirth (2016)

Monkey Prince (2022) #1-4

Marcus Sun Shugel-Shen's main comic, but Damian features as a fun dynamic here before they're in more serious circumstances in Batman VS Robin (2022)/Lazarus Planet event

Superman (2016) #10 - 11

the beginning of the Super Sons! featuring Maya!

Super Sons (2017)

solitary arcs but there’s a few event tie-in issues later

Adventures of the Super Sons (2018)

literally more Super Sons adventures lol galactic shenanigans yeehaw

Challenge of the Super Sons (2020) 

Super Sons time shenanigans feat. the Justice League

Robin 80th Anniversary (2020)

"Boy Wonders" - brief Damian feature as Tim considers his next step in life

"My Best Friend" - Jon's thoughts on Damian and their dynamic

"Bat and Mouse" - refers to Damian's unfortunate Teen Titans (2016) run at the time of release which follows up with Teen Titans Annual #2 where Damian briefly gives up Robin

Extra Comics!

Superman/Batman (2003) #77

Kara and Damian in a Halloween team-up! also the appearance of "Li'l Matches" lol

DCU Halloween Special '09 "Cavity Search"

Damian out on a solo mission for Halloween night. Immediately after is Tim's Red Robin story "Then and Now: Our Father's Sins" which is more somber in contrast but also a good read!

DCU Halloween Special 2010 "Robin the Vampire Slayer"

a Dick!Batman and Robin story featuring the vampire Andrew Bennett

Cursed Comics Cavalcade (2018) "The Devil You Know"

Halloween themed comic with a sweet short story of Damian alongside Solomon Grundy

DC's Terrors Through Time (2022)

"Trick or Treat" a Super Sons Halloween story

"The Haunting of Wayne Manor" Damian and Deadman story - in the end, Boston kinda refers to Nezha's possession of Damian in Batman VS Robin (2022) which was happening at the time of this release

Batman: Li'l Gotham (2013)

lighthearted series that instantly makes me smile with the silliness and Dustin Nguyen’s art i love this dearly

Secret Origins (2014) #4 "A Boy's Life"

a retelling of Damian's origin story

Detective Comics (2016) #1001-1005

Batman and Robin vs the Arkham Knight (unrelated to the game)

Truth & Justice (2021) #6/#16 - 18 Digital First version

cute story of Damian’s birthday! Juni Ba’s art is so fun!!

DC Festival of Heroes: The Asian Superhero Celebration (2021) “Special Delivery”

short story about Damian! and poisoned pizzas. completely forgot the artist Sami Basri drew Rebirth Damian here before catboy Damian lol Cass’s story “Sounds” is also cute! Marcus makes his first appearance in "The Monkey Prince Hates Superheroes"

DC VS Vampires (2021)

Damian makes appearances throughout this elseworlds book, but the one-shot DC VS Vampires: Hunters (2022) is vampire Damian-centric!

Batman: Black and White (2021) #5

“Father & Son Outing” short story written and drawn by Jorge Jimenez!

Batman: Urban Legends (2021) #20-23

#20 “My Son” Talia and Bruce focus

#20 - 23 “The Murder Club” 4 Parts

Tiny Titans (2008) #33, #39, #45, #47

a few appearances but SO CUTE, LOOK AT HIM

*Batman and Robin (2011) reading guide

i'm mostly trying to avoid the "what did i just walk in on?" kinda feeling when i first started reading comics LOL i'll list the comics where events take place, but you don't necessarily have to read them to go through this book since things are usually explained as quickly as possible in the first page or so

#0 Someday Never Comes

Talia and baby Damian before he grows up to meet Bruce

#1-8 Born to Kill

just an incredibly solid arc for Bruce and Damian!

#9 Court of Owls Tie-In Issue

Damian VS a Court of Owls Talon. While Bruce is occupied with a home invasion of Talons, Alfred makes a call for allies to protect targeted Gotham public figures from Talons. During Batman (2011) #1-11

#10-12 Terminus

Damian challenges the previous Robins sans Steph

Batman Incorporated (2012) is occurring at this time where Talia has placed a bounty on Damian and there's small mentions of that

#13-14 Eclipsed/Devoured

mostly solitary arc! end of it leads into the Death of the Family event

#15-16 Death of the Family Tie-In Issues

Damian and Joker face-off... Alfred's been kidnapped by the Joker, and Damian goes looking for him. During Batman (2011) #13-17

#17 Life is but a Dream - Death of the Family Epilogue

a sort of subconscious check-in through the dreams of Damian, Alfred, and Bruce. Nightwing (2011) #17 features Damian encouraging Dick after Death of the Family events

#18 Undone "Requiem"

Bruce dealing with Damian's death from Batman Incorporated #8

other reactions to Damian's death: Dick in Nightwing (2011) #18, Tim in Teen Titans (2011) #18

#19-23 Denial, Rage, The Bargain, Despair, Acceptance

Bruce through the stages of grief with some batfam appearances in each. also introduces Carrie Kelley into continuity as Damian's acting tutor.

Batman (2011) #19-20 also addresses Bruce's loss

#23.1-23.4

these could be skipped - villain stories, also related to Forever Evil event.

#24-28 The Big Burn

optional Batman and Two-Face/Harvey Dent arc, #23.1 is part of this story!

Damian's resurrection and return

#29-32 The Hunt for Robin

Ras took Talia and Damian's bodies from their graves, and Bruce goes after him.

-> Robin Rises: Omega

continues events from #32. if you don't want to jump to this, basically, Glorious Godfrey and a bunch of parademons from Apokolips are here for a chaos shard which Ra's put in Damian's sarcophagus. at some point, Bruce gets a hold of the shard where he sees a vision that leads him to believe Damian can be resurrected. Godfrey ends up taking the shard, along with Damian's body since it was emitting the same energy.

#33-37 Robin Rises

Bruce hellbent on retrieving Damian from Apokolips and reviving him

-> Robin Rises: Alpha

necessary to read and continues events from #37! Damian's back with a bang lol

#38-40 Superpower

Damian adjusting to having superpowers and being alive again

Annual #1 2013 Batman Impossible

sweet (and funny) one-shot of Damian sending Bruce on a meaningful scavenger hunt around the world while Damian gets to be the cutest Batman for a bit

Annual #2 2014 Batman and Robin: Week One

one-shot takes place during Damian's absence. after Bruce and Alfred find a mystery gift left for Dick, Dick recounts a story he had told Damian from his Robin days.

Annual #3 2015 Moonshot

one-shot Batman and Robin adventure on the moon!

...and of course after Batman and Robin (2011), Damian's story continues in his first solo Robin: Son of Batman (2015)!

#damian wayne #ask #sorry for R:SOB promo again but i need this title attached to Damian's name as much as B&R 2009/2011😭 #thank you for the ask anon!! really am so happy you were able to find the time to read RSOB and enjoy it!! i genuinely cheered 😭 #i hope some of these comics give you many emotions and/or a smile!! <3 #if anyone would like to correct something or include some Damian comics please feel free to comment or add to the post!! #sorry if the reading guide is an intimidating wall of text hhh after i finished it i was like...this does not look beginner friendly LOL 😭 #Damian's Teen Titans run is beginner friendly but it's so frustrating to read his character being regressed especially after RSOB #ig i would only recc the first 5 issues just for Mara asdsfg #super/bat 77 comic rlly made me wonder how Williamson could've made Damian sound so stiff now compared to his first time writing him?? rip. #also i love how there's so many Halloween stories here lol #maybe?? i'll do a guide for Damian's intro since those were the most confusing for me when i really got into his comics #i think his most recent appearances are a bit easier to figure out on your own but i don't mind doing a guide for that too if needed! #OOF tags got long lol i may be a bit nervous posting this bc i'd like ppl to read more Damian but worried i may have goofed somewhere #but hopefully this is helpful to anyone curious about peeking at his comics!!

[zymstarz]

yeah sure that's how i'll [re]come out

#zymart #zymtalk #rant in the tags -> #okay listen to me this is really important and also i have a witness. this was not intentionally supposed to be posted on june 1st #the stars just aligned for this to be at its funniest. which means its also easier for me to dismiss LOL #i drew this like a week ago after trying to draw a whole like. 5 page comic about it and then stopping it mid-board #bc it was horrifying imagining being perceived that much. so i needed to make it into a joke instead and this was the funniest route #and then i was like 'UGH. UGH!!!! i can not be 20 and deal with this like im 13. if i dont post it by the end of the week #then [the witness to all my rants on this topic. shoutout to twig bc they got the most of it] can joke abt it as if i did anyway' #and now its the end of the week and i looked at the date and went 'oh my god didnt may just start what happened' #'WAIT ITS JUNE FIRST. GOD. THATS TOO FUNNY TO NOT SAY SOMETHING' and who am i if i dont prioritize the bit honestly #in all honesty. kinda hate it! not bc of internalized homophobia but actually bc of internalized arophobia that has somehow been emphasized #after having my brain shift from '1000% aromantic without a doubt no exceptions' to 'just arospec ig lol??' #but tragically as it turns out. you can not just try and self analyze yourself into speedrunning closure. #horrible news for the oscar zymstarz community frankly #SO i needed a way 2 justify shoving this off my plate and into the trash as fast as possible. #im impatient and cant acknowledge my own emotions. its a flaw im working on it #oh and for all the ppl who know the running gag abt 'my allegations' [i do not have any real allegations for anyone not in jems server]: #that was in fact just a running gag for like well over a year and a half. like that was just a long running bit COMPLETELY unrelated to thi #i only started having this weird sexuality shift or whatever not too long ago lol. like long enough to go through 4 of the 5 stages of grie #[evidently bc like. im posting this. i got close enough to 5 to throw in the towel ykwim] #but on 'oscar zymstarz emotional acknowledgement' time that is....... not long. #but yeah ig tldr like. still ace [thank god] just arospec [probably demiro? i hate trying to figure out my own labels] instead of Aro now #idk none of this is that deep but also like it kinda is unfortunately bc i have to actually talk abt it to be able to ignore it ykwim #but i did! we're done talking abt it now! and now i can act like i dont care and try to make jokes about it to speedrun the rest of it #anyway. Happy Pride everyone. Fukign kitty. #side message to jem. by no means does this mean im not still gonna bully you. its a sign of love but also it is you specific bullying 🫶 #you are not safe

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#hello to anyone who happens to b interested in the saga of my life... also maybe the irl person i gave my url to... hopefully my blog #didnt freak her out too much lol. anyway so its been a busy week? 2 weeks? month? year? life? its been a lot. my parents helped me move #across the country from the desert to somewhere that's beautiful and green. my dad is so jealous of me lol its so so so pretty and theres s #so much to do. will i do any of it? that remains to be seen but im gonna try to be better about that sort of thing. try to get some help #with the thoughts in my head that keep me from doing and enjoying most things. its weird like im decorating my new room which i love. the #location and living situation seem ideal and i really hope i can stay here all 5 years of my program but i was picking a lot of bright #colors and now it feel uncomfortable. like if i wear things that r too bright or my room is too bright without dark contrast it feel weird #like if im wearing it it kinda makes me feel sick. idk what thats abt. anyway. ill try to heal my brain and im just so happy to b out of the #southwest. i was so so so excited when we were leaving thr city and even more so when we left the state. i cant believe im here. in December #it felt like a million years away and i really truely could not fathom how i was gonna survive that long. my thoughts were so distorted. but #i did and here i am. and in like a month i should b starting my phd program and my parents were telling me how excited ppl r for me and #jealous of where im living and im glad. im glad they're excited. i think i am too but its under a layer of: if i get excited it wont happen #im not allowed to b excited or it wont happen. which is irrational but ya kno. anyway so that's yeah. im so happy to have a fresh start and #the town seems super cool. a liberal blip in a sea of... not that so theyre very visibly pride forward haha and i think itll b way easier #for me to get around without driving. and im gonna try to make friends. i need someone to tell me where to get tattoos haha. so yea im happy #but exhausted and i dont wanna go back to work and so so greatful to my parents for being wonderful ppl idk how bc both of them had fucked #up childhoods. like my mum will say the saddest shit and im like bro this is y i don't wanna talk to my grandma fuck her and my dads parents #r so fucked. like my nana is the reason im so fucking control freaked out but i kno i have issues and she has no insight and thinks shes #better than everyone. anyway hopefully i can get back to drawing a posting more now. ive been drawing it its been in a sketch book #like an actual sketch book for sketching big ideas thst r gonna take fucking forever to draw 😭 #so that's all. just uprooted my whole life. thats all. but in a good way :-] #unrelated

[apocketfullofhobbits]

can't stop thinking abt how the fact that declan mattered so little to his father that the asshole couldn't even be bothered to keep the memories of the day his son was born was supposed to make up for declan's whole shitty childhood

like hey kid u know what u just weren't worth the pain. do u feel better abt it now.

#like. for years he made declan feel like he didn't matter. #and then it gets confirmed #and that is somehow the emotional resolution? #trc #declan lynch #the whole getting rid of memories storyline was so unnecessary #such a poor attempt at artificially increasing the poor meow niall factor #like. it's like saying to every kid who got fucked up by the divorce 'oh but u parents suffered more! suck it up' #his parents lacked the emotional maturity to go through the break up and take care of their child at the same time and that's okay #happens all the time #it's okay to say that they fucked up. #u don't need to shift the blame to the child for refusing to see all the love he was supposedly showered with #yes he did that. because it's easier for a child's mind. #the conclusion wasn't supposed to be 'omg my father loved me so much i just refused to see it! now that i see it im happy and healed' #it's 'yeah my father was an asshole and my feelings abt it were valid but he was also a complicated person who did love me in his own way' #'it just wasn't enough to make him a good father and it wasn't my fault' #oh and i am forever mad abt the moth scene at the end #why are we making it abt niall? again #i have had enough of this dude #all that needed to be said abt him was said in dream thieves #he's just not intresting enough to keep bringing him up all the time #this is niall lynch hate blog

[sebsrainbowbicycle]

I started my new job today. The big serious scary job which I still sometimes cannot believe they hired me for. That they thought I was good enough for it. Kinda blows my mind.

I was scared. So fucking scared, that I’d hate it, that they’d hate me, that they’d find out I was a fraud. But I did it anyway. I was scared and I did it anyway.

And now I’m laid in bed, telling my friends about it, convincing myself that this is enough. Distracting myself from the fact that the one person I want to tell all of this to isn’t here.

What it comes down to is that I want a parents pride. My friends have told me they are proud and that’s great, that’s lovely. But I ache for the pride of a parent. I would give the rest of it up if I could hear just one “I’m so proud of your sweetpea”. But that’s not a bargain I get to make, and so it’s a sorrow I must carry.

#I’m sick and sad and exhausted #and I miss my dad so much that it hurts to breathe right now #because even though I know I’m not alone #I feel like I am #sometimes the sad days are easier than the happy ones #the grief is at least expected on the sad days #Dee talks #dead dad stuff

[biolums]

#have been so down lately and just thought about subnautica. specifically peepers and got happy :) #something something little thingsin life #ive told myself i will visit my grandma today. will report back if that happens #trying to be easy on myself while also not doing something ill regret is hard #i am. so not ready to see my grandma. im mentally so not there and ive been so shakey mentally for months and i just. idk #it would be easier on me if i didnt see her. but im not sure thats fair to my future self let alone my grandma herself #i just. i dont know. i hate being in survival mode like who fucking doesnt want to see their grandma when shes dying. whar the fuck #fun fact i get an anxiety attack everytime i receive text messages now because im convinced its my dad telling me she died #its. probably a good thing i have a psychiastrist appointment tomorrow #anyways. hi #im just. popping in idk if i will like. come back #lifw rn is. so much #im literally driving 10hrs in less than a week from now

[earl-grey-love]

I'm purely thinking of AUs lately because canon won't feed me new lore at all. The main one is a 19th century (everyone is human) AU that only features my main three + Dia, Luci and Luke. I love it so much. It doesn't really have a plot exactly, it's all interpersonal relationship dynamics and slice of life. But I eat that up every. single. time.

#its naturally very easy to port them all over to a setting like that because they already play roles that match canonically #like cmon Barbs is already a butler and Mephi is knight coded and Sim too + he's a writer and Dia a prince #Luci isn't really a main character hes just like there i guess like hes not really friends with AU Sunny but sometimes there needs to be #a guy that's just a guy who does guy things that have no relation to the mc #but still somehow effects them #and Luke is part of a package deal with Sim #and also he's quite involved with both Barbs and Mephi as well so naturally he has to be there #that's what happens when you like men with parental dispositions #(I also have that kinda disposition) #anyway I'm sorta rambling now but I'm having so much fun with this AU #its very fantasy in the sense I refuse to include any ugly truths about that era in my self-indulgent daydreams #bcus I like to be happy and also the plot is basically just one of those reverse harem animes anyway #I just find that setting the most fun for romance bcus the dating etiquette of back then is much easier for my aroace ass to stomach #I'm not here for the u up? texts I am here for the lingering gaze across afternoon tea in the summer sun after we brushed hands as we #both reached for the teapot at the same time #sunny speaks

[daily-keyboardsmasher]

Day 1900

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#this is beautiful #I had so much fun with this one #there is an ihop in here somewhere #ending is pretty strong too #welcome to the 1900s! #it’s surreal thinking on it like #the last 100 days of the 1000s???? r u kidding this is wild #there’s a lot of new people I feel like #I appreciate all of you #and all the OGs as well of course #reflection moment: I feel like it’s much easier to post now than a while back #I’ve got into the habit of it I guess #to where it’s like an automated part of my day (in normal circumstances) #this account is a little part of my soul :) #much love #I’ve enjoyed journeying with you all to no certain endpoint #and I will for as long as I am able #let us go on then #dailykeyboardsmashes #meme #memes #shitpost #shitposts #my milestone posts have definitely changed over the course of this account lol #I’ve written the essays on the earlier posts #and I feel like I’ve expressed what I needed there #so now I am just chillin #less grandly but just as much feeling #I am happy I am content #and I hope y’all are too

[da-proti-toku-grem]

feeling like a total asshole today 👍

#an aunt's mom passed away yesterday night #i didn't really know her that much just spoke to her a few times for the typical merry christmas & happy new year you know #so when my mom told me i felt bad for my aunt bc i knew they were really close but i don't feel SAD #but my parents seemed to be like so shocked and sad and my little brother even started crying #and i felt absolutely nothing #idek what my mom saw in my face but she went like 'don't you feel anything?' and like wtf am i supposed to feel #like. i'm sorry for my aunt and everything but i just????? #that already made me feel like an absolute asshole but now we have to go there (like 2hours away by car) #and because i am an adult now i *have* to go to the funeral home (?) today and to the funeral tomorrow #and i REALLY don't want to and thought it's making me so fucking anxious bc i haven't been there since my grandma passed away 2 years ago #i really don't want that feeling that i felt back then to come back #not right now #not when i've been starting to feel a bit better this past week #but i'm already failing at that because they started to come back the moment i was told i have to go #and i feel like a fucking asshole because my aunt's mom literally passed away and she (and her whole family) must be heartbroken right now #and all i can think about is that i'm anxious #i'm anxious to go back there. i'm anxious just thinking that i'll have to express my condolences to people that i don't even know #i'm anxious because i'll have to TALK to people and at least try to look a bit SAD but i can't just fake it #bc if i don't look sad my brain tells me that i'm an asshole that doesn't have feelings like apparently everyone around me has #but if i fake it my brain tells me that i'm an asshole bc why tf do i have to fake my fucking personality #why can't i just express my fucking feelings like normal people do and the only thing that i know how to do is fucking complain #like. i know i rant a lot here but it's literally the only place where i talk about my feelings #i NEVER talk about my feelings with anyone because idk HOW to do it #i have like a million things in my mind that i want to tell my mom or my therapy for example but when i finally convince myself to do it #i just CAN'T. the thoughts won't leave my mouth because i don't know how to phrase them properly #so nothing ever leaves my mind unless i make a post here bc apparently writing my thoughts in english (my 2nd language) #is easier than talking in spanish #and at least if i write them here they don't just stay bottled up in my mind #but i'm too tired of myself and my stupid brain that tells me that i do everything wrong :/ #i'm gonna shut up now bc i once again reached the tag limit

[shirkers2018dirsanditan]

actually the most annoying thing about all this is that the more time passes without being having these kind of basic social experiences, the more my social skills will atrophy, and the less likely i will be to act naturally and enjoy myself if i ever am able to experience the things i want to experience. it’s frustrating thinking about how much of a different person i would be if my social circumstances were different.

#it’s easier when you are with people you know who you feel comfortable with and who you feel #happy to be with #like they don’t have to be your bestest friends ever in the world but just people that you can be with not still feel desperately lonely #a group of people you are actually in with and not on the outskirts looking in #oh well #it’s as though most of myself will forever just be known to me #and more so that there are entire parts of myself that will never exist #which is much worse because i could be a better person in so many ways #but now i am largely a person who doesn’t have much to offer #the only comforting thing is that i’m only 23 and i still have a lot of life to live

[caffeinatedopossum]

Anyway just an update, I kept going and the ed recovery is actually recovery-ing now 👍

#its been about... 8 months i think?? #and things are just so much unspeakably better #like idk how to even put it into words #i can actually ENJOY things #i can actually be happy #i dont have to worry constantly about anything specific (i am still worying all the time but about many different things now :/ #im not always nauseous or full or hungry or having severe stomach pain #i dont constantly have to use every ounce of mental and physical energy to distract myself from food and my ed #i fall asleep without having to push down ny hunger pains and i wake up happier knowing that it doesnt matter what i do next #i get a coffee and yes i still think twice about putting creamer in it and whipped cream on top but its easier #its still a conscious effort but its easier to make now that i know how much i have to lose #im weight restored for real this time and im not very worried about gaining more #but because of that this number im at now was so abstract in my mind as something i never thought i would get to #that its actually kind of a good thing?? like its like this weight is just outside of my ed #its easy to convince myself not to restrict because it wouldnt be an instant fix now that i weigh this much #it would take months and months of effort that would harm my body and my mind even more #and i just dont want tht #my joint pain is worse now that theyre holding so much more weight but im still hopeful about getting stronger #idk i just feel like ive gained so much more than weight. so many things that make it worth it

[watery-melon-baller]

i need a fucminh. like beta. for this animatic dear god. tragically none of my irl friends are as abnormal about toh as I am and this thing is a digital mess that is completely incomprehensible if I try to export it in it's current state. hnggg

#Listen. Listen #I just want to make a cool fun animatic #i am struggling so much with making scenes interesting because they feel so euggh and basic #i need someone to bounce ideas off of but this thing is not possible to show anyone in the state its in!! #procreate is so so bad for this but I can't quit now #this post is because I had an idea on how to change one of the frames in a way I like better and also easier for me to draw #only issue is that I have like. two scenes very similar to that scene so then I would have to EDIT One and UGHHHBHHHHH #And maybe that one scene deserves to be edited anyways because it's not that interesting as it is??? #AUGH #composition and interesting camera angles hngffc #im trying my best here i really sm #this is probably not gonna be. the best prettiest animatic ever but #huagh #toh #toh animatic #lilac post #my goal is to finish it sometime this year <3 #I have done some coloring though!! I'm bouncing between lineary and colors bc coloring fun and soothing <3 #lineart is just kicking my ass #I will just be happy if it's complete this thing is 3.5 minutes fully colored (kinda) #it's my first animatic also and I've been working on and off of it since JANUARY #dear god I wish I could just use the sketches for some of them #well. hm

[potpiehead]

ive been more depressed lately

#if you cant tell #during the summer i had some zest for life and felt actually happy lol but with the turn of the season it just disappeared.. so annoying lo #i keep having thoughts that boil down to "id be happier if i were happier' like lol #i know that spending time with my friends and family; always having something going on; engagine with my interests and keeping myself busy #all make me feel good and i think those things came easier over the summer #when im doing something of interest i just feel this whole world open up and everything feels lighthearted and easy and then when i fall ou #of those habits and start doing less everythig just feels dark #the depression i have now is 100x better than the depression i had as a teenager though. i didnt have the life experience to know that #things could be better #it does make me feel good to know that there are things that help #i just feel so mentally weak like there are times when i think of the thing i want to do but the effort it would take is monumental #and it stresses me the fuck out #i applied to a couple of jobs today because i just need a change of fucking scenery and i feel stagnant. #evereythig feels bleak and meaningless but i have moments where i feel everything open up. idk #i have hope for myself lol just that today in particular has been shitty like a concentrated version of the past few months #but i did apply to jobs which is something i was stressing about! and i bought some shit i needed to buy that i kept putting off #i often have so much on my mind and am so overwhlemed i cant even think of getting shit done. this shit is ruining everything #catastrophizing was my specialty in early high school ive been here before its just that being a young adult is a new frontier. #and i feel like ive been sitting in one place not moving even though i have been doing things i need to CHANGE things #i have moments of strength but i know that overall im struggling. #anyway thanks for reading. i have work tomorrow gn!

[mishkakagehishka]

I wanna be an artist so bad bro what am i doing in college

#during the oral exam the eng prof asked me ''why am i even in college?'' (his usual) #and i was like. genuinely thought to myself ''i'm here bc i have to be.'' #like when teachers tell you high school isn't mandatory or when you think college isn't mandatorx #by law? sure. but am i gonna find a job without a higher education? in this economy not even a doctorate would help much #i HAVE TO study something and languages are smth i'd be the least suicidal ab studying #but i want to be. a creative. #i also wanna create unsettling art but that is so much easier with auditory and visual mediums... #but... i'll do my best #i'm an artist which means i can do whatever i want it's all in my hands #if i work hard enough and practice i can write truly unsettling things #i can bring the uncanny valley in words i can use the kafkaesque atmosphere i can present weird things as if they're normal #and make it unsettling both in what's portrayed and HOW it's portrayed #i have two novel wips but i think rather than novels i'm better suited for short stories for anthologies for collections #i'm still exploring and getting to know myself as a writer #it makes me a bit sad and disappointed in myself because it's been about a decade since i thought ''this is my calling'' #but i just recently decided horror is what i want to write and i can #not help but also feel joyful and happy about the fact that i'm still finding myself #and that i'm still evolving as a writer and that there are probably still so many things i have yet to find out about my art #but for now. [thru tears and gritted teeth] i am writing a dictionary #but even this ! i am expanding my vocabulary which will help my art :]