#like i'm sorry but cis people just don't want me in any bathroom at this point. i can't fucking win

[the-casbah-way]

not to beat a dead horse but jesus christ can you just leave people alone in public bathrooms i just want to fucking piss girl i'm so tired of feeling anxious and trying to avoid using public bathrooms because of how fucking weird cis people are about it. i tried to go into the bathroom at work today (i have worked here for years) and this woman who has worked here for two weeks and doesn't know me laughed and tried to like. steer me in the direction of the men's toilet instead and was like "wrong way!" are you fucking kidding me fuck off

#i have worked in this building for years. i know where the fucking bathroom is #like i'm sorry but cis people just don't want me in any bathroom at this point. i can't fucking win #i'm not kidding you i didn't really think that people in real life would actually make a fuss over who is in the bathroom #but at uni specifically i have had A LOT of people in the womens bathroom awkwardly tell me “uh i think you're in the wrong bathroom haha” #they're not even doing it in an antagonistic way it's like they genuinely think i've walked into the wrong one #and it makes ME feel like a creep or like i've done something wrong #like you guys are the ones that insist i should be in this bathroom !!!! but then i go in there and get told i'm in the wrong one !!!! #it's one of the few things that never fails to make me feel anxious and sad because it's a fucking bathroom it shouldn't be a big deal #why am i being made to feel like i've done something wrong when i'm just trying to exist here like everyone else #and you know what. it doesn't matter how i identify right. because i've actually done nothing to intentionally masculanise my appearance #like the entire time i've been out. i had short hair before i came out and i dressed this way before i came out #i have not done anything to try and Look Like A Man or Look Cis. i just have masc bone structure NATURALLY #so for all you know i could just be a woman with short hair ????? and you're telling me i don't belong in here because of that ?? #like sure i'm NOT a woman with short hair but my point is you literally cannot tell the difference #so just leave people alone

[genderkoolaid]

something ive noticed as a very effeminate trans masc that dresses pretty androgynous & has been on hrt for many years is that the status of being a "dangerous man" can and will be placed on you (ime most often by cis white women) whenever expressing any kind of negative feelings. if i told friends of mine - even queer ones - that something they did hurt my feelings or made me upset, i was suddenly a dangerous man or a (man)ipulator or whatever - even if i didn't raise my voice. the very fact that i am unhappy combined with my proximity to manhood makes me a supposed threat in their eyes.

a couple years ago i had a group of cis girl friends. they would constantly pull me into women's bathrooms n such so i wouldn't be left behind saying its fine its fine bc im one of the girls (gender neutral) but then as soon as i was upset about something i was suddenly a dangerous man who needed to stay out of women's spaces,,,, despite the fact that of the 4 of us, the girl who joined after me was the one spreading this shit around my friend group so... how was i encroaching on womens spaces if i was there before her and i was invited in? luckily one of my friends told me that the other two were plotting to kick me out of my friend group on the sole basis of my proximity to manhood so i at least knew why they were suddenly treating me like shit

its just.. i cant understand why people dont think trans mascs and trans men are discriminated against when they literally said it was my "toxic man energy" that made them want me out WHILE ALSO being the ones convincing me to go into womens spaces bc they wanted to go somewhere and didnt wanna have to leave me behind & like i said im extremely effeminate and faggy and also NONBINARY so i dont understand what "man energy" they were talking about other than the fact that im on testosterone and thinking testosterone = man is just transphobic no matter how you try to twist it

but my taking testosterone was never a problem or made me evil or scary when they wanted me to go with them into women-only (&nonbinary too i guess unless youre amab (and they can tell) or been on testosterone for too long) spaces, it was only a problem when they wanted 1. a reason to criticise me relentlessly, borderline bullying or 2. a reason to dismiss any of my concerns or criticisms of their treatment of me

all of that, to me, is transandrophobia point blank. i dont know what else you could call it other than transphobia, but transphobia doesn't address any of the very blatant and obvious connection of how my transness affects their perception of my proximity to manhood and how that affected the situation

God that sucks. I'm sorry you went through that.

You make a very good point. This is why I don't want to define transandrophobia/ATM as just transphobia and misogyny directed at transmascs. I still think transunity theory is a really valuable way of looking at transphobia & its important to me that we are vocal about how masculine tropes are weaponized against trans people by cis people on the regular because of how we are positioned in relation to gender. Too many people think the that the only thing wrong with saying trans people have "dangerous male energy" is that its misgendering. So trans people who choose to associate themselves with manhood are left in the trash by the people who should know best how much being made out to be a Dangerous Male Invader hurts!

#m. #ask box #experiences with transandrophobia

[leidensygdom]

I gotta say, one of the wildest radical transphobes' talking "points" is probably bathroom discourse. I can't even put to words how utterly detached from reality it is. It's terminally online stuff.

So, bathrooms. I don't know if somehow other people's realities are somehow vastly different from mine, but I feel like the extreme clear divide between "men's" and "women's" bathrooms is just not real. Where I live, stalls are often gendered, but how much they get used in that way is far less consistent.

For example: If the place had only the space to make one bathroom accessible, it's gonna be the women's bathroom. Always. It doesn't mean only disabled women have access to bathrooms- It means that the women's bathroom is also going to be used by disabled people. And this is common. Really common. Maybe it's because the women's bathroom tends to need more space- For pad dispensers and trash cans, for baby-changing stations (yes, I hate that these are only on the women's bathroom usually), and so on. Now- You see a guy enter the women's bathroom. Are you gonna micro-analize if the guy looks disabled enough to use it, or are you going to wash your hands and go on with your life?

Again, baby-changing stations are almost always located on the women's bathroom. It sucks- It should be in all bathrooms. But it's how it is. You see a cis guy enter with a kid. Or maybe not even with a kid- Just enters, wanders around, finds the baby-changing station, gets a diaper from the dispenser and leaves. Are you gonna throw a fit or just let this guy handle his kid?

Bathrooms get cleaned on the regular. A lot of times, you may wanna go there, and get told it's being cleaned, and just get asked to use the other gender's bathroom. Cleaning can take hours. If the men's bathroom is being cleaned and everyone is now using the women's, are you going to deem the bathroom to be the world's unsafest place or are you just go take a pee and leave?

Fucking hell, sometimes the stall you want to go to is incredibly dirty. It happens. No need to get on details. Just the kind of stuff that makes you want to not use it. Or maybe it's clogged, or maybe it's not working. Maybe there's a note saying "Broken, do not enter". Do you cry about it or just go find another stall- Which may be on the other fucking gender's bathroom?

Most times I'll use whatever bathroom is available. One is busy? Ok, let me get to the other one. I'm AFAB and while I don't present femininely, I still look like a woman to most people. Have I ever been in danger because I cleaned my hands besides someone with a dick? No. Grow the fuck up. This isn't even rare. People will switch bathrooms for speed. People will switch bathrooms because one of them is out of paper. Because one of them is out of soap.

The mall in my current city recently installed "Family" bathrooms. They're not being marketed as unisex, or inclusive, or anything. Just "family" bathrooms. For everyone. They're great. It's the bathroom everyone will use- Men, women, anything in between and outside of that, kids, disabled people, etc. There's a bunch of stalls adapted to different needs. There's accessible stalls. There's pad and diaper dispensers. There's stalls that have a big toilet and a little toilet so parents can go with their kids. There's tall sinks and short sinks- So disabled people and kids can reach.

And, to nobody's surprise, there's no reports whatsoever of any sort of assault in them.

I'm just. I don't know. I'm sorry you can't detach the existence of a dick near you from immediate assault. I don't know why that changes in the context of a bathroom- I've never (in my long life of using whatever bathroom) been in danger for that. And I'm talking as someone who has had some unsavory experiences in other situations. Grow the fuck up and maybe stop basing your views on imaginary scenarios y'all need to come up with to justify your hatred of a minority. Maybe if y'all got off your keyboards and went outside for once, you'd realize bathrooms work much differently from whatever weird ideal you have formed about them.

#trans issues #transgender #lgbtq #lgbtia #queer #long post

[ohara-n-brown]

[WARNING: Rant]

Sometime made a post going 'Love the trans women in your life while they're still here'

Someone added 'Trans men and Nonbinary too!'

And this was the response.

My response: Cut this shit out, you're acting literally ridiculous.

First of all - no it's NOT an All Lives Matter moment.

ALL LIVES MATTER was created by white people who DON'T experience racism to silence the experiences of those who DO experience racism and die at the hands of it.

A transmasc or nonbinary person saying 'Us also!' is a not the same.

It's a group of people who DO experience transphobia adding to the experiences of those who ALSO experience transphobia.

It's A LOT MORE like a black person going 'BlackLivesMatter' and sometime commenting '#StopAsianHate too :)' and OP going 'wow fuck you read the room you're being racist.'

That's like a Gay person speaking out against homophobia and how it's wrong. And then a trans person says 'Transphobia too!' and suddenly it's 'Read the room. This isn't about y'all. Why do y'all have to bring yourself up always. This isn't about gender. Read the room-'

Sounds familiar to y'all? It should. I'm reading the room and the room is saying you just fucking hate another group of oppressed people lol

Another oppressed person who experiences the same violence as you adding their voice to your choir is NOT the same as white people using their privilege to silence others who experience racism when they themselves don't.

SECOND OF ALL - (tw death mention under cut)

YEAH THEY HAVE A RIGHT TO ADD 'Celebrate your trans brothers while there here' on a post you know..

considering a transmasc non-binary person got fucking beat to death on school grounds exactly a month ago.

Remember that??? The one whose death is being actively covered up by school, law, and state officials on a systemic scale??

Also - a fucking trans man from NJ is still missing as we speak (Elliot Ganiel)

But calling attention to that is like being a MRA??? Talking about a children deaths in a school bathroom and missing people are like being MRAs whose main concerns are women playing video games or some shit?

No. No it isn't.

Y'all misusing terms like MRA and yelling 'That's like all lives matter!!!' clearly show youdon't understand how oppression works in the slightest.

If you try to compare any white racist movement to an oppressed group of people - YTA.

One of us gets fucking killed with no justice, LGBTQ crisis line calls skyrocket, and when asked about it state officials say and I quote 'We don't want that filth in our state!!'

- and when we talk about it amongst people in our community it's 'read the room!!' or 'wow really MRA like'

Fucking bite me.

And before - 'Oh but they didn't have to put it on THAT post, they could've made their own'.

Did you not hear what I just said. A transmasc teen was beat to death and misgendered publically statewide.

Maybe transmascs would like to feel included by the community at this time? So they can feel safe? Safety in numbers? And maybe want to feel like the wider community cares when shit like this happens - which clearly.. y'all don't.

Cause when a transmasc kid is literally killed - and we see a post saying 'Love your transfemme friends whine they're here!' and add the same - only to be told to read the room - it tells us 'You only have a month or so to morn. They died last month? Why are you bringing it up now on a post about appreciating trans people before their death??? Read the room. That was for us only. Stop trying to hog all the attention'.

Like damn sorry for wanting to feel like my community would care if I got wiped off this fucking earth silly me. Silly us.

When we start the conversation on our own we're ignored. When we try to contribute our experiences to other conversations we're told to shut the fuck up and read the room and then compared to actual racists and sexists.

You constantly compare us to people who DO NOT face oppression - cis men and white people - in order to silence us, despite the fact you know we face oppression in ways both groups could never even imagine. You think you're slick. You're not.

BITE ME. HARD.

#'thats so aLl LiVeS mAtTeR' #as a black person: no it isn't and it's insulting you think that #'all lives matter' isn't just annoy derailment it's about the fact that white people are not opposed so they don't need ALM #ALL LIVES MATTER is fake solidarity because white ppl don't need the solidarity #Transmasc people DO #DO BETTER HOLY SHIT #a lot of y'all are fucking heartless and do not understand intersectionality in the goddamn slightest #no takesies backsies I said what I said #queer #ftm #transmasc #transandrophobia #transphobia #transgender #nonbinary #enby #transphobia mention #tw death #tw assault

[eyeslikewatercoolers]

Sashnetra lesbian AU- Sasha comforting Anetra on her period

As someone who's had a long history of wonky, painful periods, I would love to write this.

Sasha didn't live with many cis women before moving in with her girlfriend.

Scratch that. Sasha never really lived with any AFAB people at all before she and Anetra decided to live together.

Besides couch surfing during her late teens, the only non-family she ever lived with was Kylie. Sasha never thought too much about it until a few weeks into living with Anetra.

The point is, that Sasha didn't know much about periods. She knew about the bleeding, and the pads and tampons in her friend’s bathrooms, but that was about it.

One weekend morning, Sasha noticed Anetra still hadn't gotten out of bed yet. Her girlfriend's head was burrowed in the pillows, and she was clutching one of the stuffed animals from her side of the bed.

Sasha remembered that Anetra had mentioned suffering from occasional migraines before, so she assumed that this was what this was. She didn't want to see this girl suffering in pain, so Sasha decided that she would do all that she could to help Anetra feel better.

She found the Excedrin bottle in the bathroom cabinet and grabbed a water bottle from the kitchen. She tip-toed into the bedroom, drawing the curtains to make the room darker. She carefully sat on the edge of the bed and ran her fingers gently through Anetra's red hair.

“I got you some medicine, sweetheart.” Sasha said in a soft voice. She watched Anetra slowly roll over, still in a curled position.

“But my head doesn’t hurt right now?” Anetra said as she read the label of the bottle. She shifted to slowly sit up, arms still crossed over her midsection. “Why is it so dark in here?” She asked.

Sasha felt the embarrassment of her mistake rise in the pit of her stomach. “I thought you had a migraine, so I wanted to make you feel better.”

Anetra started laughing softly, but not in a menacing way. "Sash, my period started yesterday. I'm just having really bad cramps," she explained as she reached out to hold Sasha's hand.

"Oh." Sasha simply said. "Sorry, I never really knew much about periods. I don't remember anyone in my family dealing with them, and the only other person I lived with was Kylie." Sasha explained in a slight ramble.

"It's okay. You're always teaching me something new, maybe it's time I can teach you something new," she said with a smile, giving Sasha's hand a gentle squeeze.

"I would like that." Sasha's embarrassment was changed to relief. "What can I get for you to feel better?"

"There's a bottle of Midol in the bathroom cabinet, and the heating pad will help me a lot too," Anetra said, and Sasha was soon gathering the items from around the apartment.

"Anything else I can get you?" Sasha asked as Anetra was plugging in the heating pad in the wall socket.

Anetra didn't say anything, instead moving to the other side of the bed, leaving a space for another body. She patted the space next to her and looked up at her girlfriend.

Sasha took the hint and slipped into the space, covering both of them up, She wrapped her arms around Anetra's shoulders, as Anetra's head rested in the crook of her neck.

"Feeling better?"

"Much."

#sashnetra #rpdr s15 #rpdr fanfiction #drabbles #my writing #my fics

[samijami]

The funniest shit happened and it made me giddy with the attitude of 'wtf did you think this was going to accomplish, it's so fuckin funny'

So last period today I was doing some geometry assignment thingy and a girlie got up and knelt beside me and said 'Are you dating Blaze?' so i nodded and she said 'well KJ just saw him in the bathroom making out with another girl', and so i get confused. People around me, especially the cis boys, start saying 'Blaze is cheating!' and shit. I tell my friend who is sitting next to me and she calls KJ over, she still swears she saw it. She even said 'I swear on my disabled brother's heart'.

She said I can go to the bathroom and catch them since it was recent, so I humoured her and checked. I came back in the room, about fucking done with this shit that i wasn't even hiding the drama from the public cuz I was pissed. I come back in and while walking back, I look at her and say 'there ain't nobody in there, bullshit'

She said earlier that 'oh well that's why he ain't in the room' but the thing is, HE WAS IN THE IEP CLASSROOM LMFAO???

She said again, that she swears on her disabled brother's heart. I start to mock her saying that with a stupid voice when explaining the situation to my friend who was tryna make sense of it. KJ looks directly at me and says 'i swear! If I had my phone on me, I would've filmed it!'

The teacher asks what is going on, then if I was ok, I just say 'oh they're tryna tell me my boyfriend is cheating on me', and the teacher immediately says 'so people are trying to mess with Sami'-

And I was LAUGHING by the end of class. I had half a mind to cuss that bitch out.

My boyfriend can't even look at me in the face without blushing like a tomato, and nobody else is into him (sorry to say), and the only person he's into is me.

My friend even looked over and said 'He dated me at one point, briefly, and he still talks to me but I don't see him making any moves-'

And I was like 'yeah, I do not see that in a million years. He wouldn't ever make any moves on anybody else but me, he was even so reluctant to make a move on me to begin with- that boy is the most timid, and the most sweetest guy ever. I do not see him ever doing that, it's not in his personality whatsoever-'

I ended up just being firm and telling KJ, a little loudly cuz i wanted to yell, 'I. Do. Not. Believe. You.'

When I got out of class, Blaze walked from the IEP classroom to my locker to say bye to me like usual, and i immediately told him what happened in the middle of what was my 'laughter-attack' (at how fucking ridiculous this situation was and how dumb people had to be to think that would hold up for a split second), and he was flabbergasted. He laughed abit and said 'that's funny cuz I ain't even been in the restroom for these last 3 periods, and I don't like those nasty ass school bathrooms' (I also know he doesn't like them cuz he has to use the girl's).

Then he said 'if I was kissing anything, it would be my fucking arm' and he even made a little gesture like kissing his arm and it was fucking hilarious-

He kept talking until we got outside and stopped on the sidewalk for a second, eventually he said 'I'd better get going before I get pissed off and hit someone' and we said bye and left

So, today I'm no longer friends with KJ, and i'm never talking to her or acknowledging her. I will also be telling the principal of every class she's been skipping for the last week, and how she flipped him off through the band room door, and how she put pads and tampons on the top of the stall doors for them to fall on anybody who went into the stall! :3

I have nobody to talk to in guitar class anymore, but she only talked to me in that class for like two days, then did this shit. So I'm fine with that, I can play guitar alone like I have been all year. Also, I'd be fucking kidding myself I let her sit next to me again, nope!

Thing is, I also told Blaze that it was KJ who started it, and we all know how she acts (i just tolerate her cuz she has some anger issues and she's fun to talk to sometimes, ontop of that, she's friends with one of my other friends). And he immediately said 'of-fucking-course it was KJ!'

Fucking called for, knew this shit was gonna happen. People are fucking stupid ass motherfuckers. Never again. We've only dated SIX DAYS. Like WHAT THE FUCK.

But you know what, this just makes me happy. People CARE THAT MUCH about my dumbass self's relationship, that their sad little asses need to try and ruin it. That is so funny, that is so sad for them but funny for me.

Lonely novice assholes

#tw caps #tw rant #tw romance #tw cursing

[daughter-of-sapph0]

“It can be incredibly stressful for kids, victims of sexual assault and people with certain neurological things to have to share a room with people of the opposite gender”. So, fuck all people assaulted by someone of the same sex? And I guess little boys have to risk going to a public restrooms by themself if they’re traveling with only mom, and same for little girls traveling with dad? Also I know I’m being an asshole but I done it funny how she didn’t specify restroom, just any room. Sorry, can’t let my baby sister go to school anymore. They are boys in her classroom

victim of csa by a cis woman here. I am perfectly fine with sharing a bathroom with people of any gender, as long as the doors lock. for like half of all gendered bathrooms, the doors don't lock. for gender neutral bathrooms, the absolutely have to lock no matter what. gender neutral bathrooms have to be 1000% perfect, or else the people who already see them as a threat will finally have an excuse to make them illegal or some shit.

if someone gets attacked by anyone in a gender neutral bathroom (even if both people are cis) it's gonna be trans people's fault. they're gonna blame us and try to make those bathrooms illegal.

but when someone gets attacked in a gendered bathroom, again even if both people are cis (which happens all the time), it's still trans people's fault. but they aren't gonna ban gender separated bathrooms because they don't feel threatened by the gender binary being enforced. they feel threatened by trans people and anyone or anything that doesn't want to eradicate them.

I feel like I'm losing my mind, because instead of actually progressing as a society and getting rid of the horrible bigotry of the past, we have to listen to people get mad over a room you shit in.

imagine explaining this to anyone who hasn't been poisoned by the brain damaging stream of information and news and social media.

"yeah so there's these new safer bathrooms being built, and me and very small group of people are extremely mad and obsessed with getting rid of them, all because we hate trans people"

literally no one on earth (besides those who have been brainwashed into hating trans people or believing transphobic lies) is gonna take that seriously at all.

#dostxt #asks #tw sa #tw csa

[landwriter]

CHAMPAGNE + SALMON LOTS OF MENACING LOVE XXX

pink themed asks

OH NOW WE'RE DIGGING INTO IT XXX

Essays ahoy!

champagne— what’s your favorite form of physical affection, if any at all? Holy shit, congratulations Anon on finally cracking me with a question that makes me not want to be single anymore hahaha! Hahaha. Ow. Ouch. Oh man, though. I love giving and receiving physical affection. I love a good hand-on-my-back. A little greedy butt grope. With same-height people it's for SURE snuggling and holding hands (for a small person with a history of dating mostly cis dudes, the feeling of HANDS THAT FIT TOGETHER continuously blows my mind and brings me unparalleled joy), with taller people it's climbing them like a jungle gym things like an arm around my shoulders or being picked up. I have never been with someone smaller than me. I would panic/treasure them forever and carry them around on my back wherever they wanted to go. When it comes to giving touch, I am factory-tuned for coveting butts, shoulders, and hands. In a wide variety of affectionate capacities.

salmon— would you prefer a partner who is an introvert or an extrovert? why? It's gotta be an extrovert for me! Or at least the sort of introvert who a) happily goes out to gatherings of their preferred size once or twice a week b) would indulge me every so often by going to Big Crowded Things like plays and shows. (I could go with friends! And have! But honestly if I love someone I want to be SEEN with them. I want to show them off like a shiny prize. I want to people-watch together. I want to watch their face as they watch the stage. I want to go to the bathroom and find them again in the murmuring sea of a crowded room at intermission and return to their side and kiss them on the cheek. I'm sorry!! it's just how I am!)

I'm 100% a solar battery charged by bodies around me. I love telling my rural old timer neighbours this because nine times out of ten they genuinely shudder and look at me in abject disgust: but I ADORE being borne along in a crowd. It's one of the few things I miss about big cities (and The Before Times) so much it hurts. I adore escalators at rush hour, I adore being in a herd, I adore dancing in a sweaty beautiful throng. I don't mind being alone. I love having true privacy and solitude. It's incredible. But I get genuine endorphins from being surrounded by loads of people, and it gives me energy in a way being alone never has.

However God was being funny when selecting my weaknesses because I am also cursed with a deep and abiding predisposition towards shyness and anxiety, and a fat wad of clinically diagnosed executive dysfunction. I thought I was just a very annoying introvert for AGES because of this. I adore the partner who befriends everyone, remorselessly drags me out to events I was excited about before I had to actually go to them kicking and screaming, and starts conversations with strangers when I'd still be pep-talking myself at a safe distance. I love love love people. I benefit so much from being around someone who really really really does too! (As a single person establishing a social group in a new area, I just want everyone to know I've been VERY BRAVE this year, okay?)

I wouldn't write it off entirely! But it's one of those bits I've had lots of experience in and know very much what does me good and what enables me in the not-fun way.

#asks #about me #pink asks

[softbutchthatlovesyou]

I do really appreciate your comments. I guess my thing was always that I just want to be mindful that my experience isn't universal. I know plenty of cis butches who are harassed in public bathrooms and that's not an experience I've ever had.

But it's nevertheless terrifying because I just never know. Yes I've been lucky so far but like as LGBTQIA folks across the board are more under attack it does feel like is there any way to truly be safe.

That all said I do thank you. I feel like I deal with the guilt a lot less now than I did in the early days of my transition. But every so often it creeps up on me. I just want all of us to be safe and protected and I don't think that's asking too much.

Sorry I'm rambling

I think it's easy, especially online, to let people get you into the "If you have any privilage ever, youre part of the problem" and it's not helping anyone.

Being mindful is important, but being mindful doesn't change that transphobic people exist and will make you a target if they ever get a wiff of it.

Claiming a passing member of an oppressed class is magically removed from their whole class because of passing?? Is insane to me.

ex: I pale more in the winter. I do not pass white. But I've had darker skinned people tell me I pass white because they see privilege where I see white people projecting on me at best. But most white people ask me what race I am because I am only light skinned, still have plenty of poc features especially my hair.

Passing as white would take me effort and gain me nothin but maybe immunity to slurs hurled on the street directly? A slightly better paying job if they don't see my race on any records or information sheets??

When I pass, on rare occasion, it risk ending if I fail to mask or upkeep my appearance for even a second. If I use avve, forgetting that it's not their definition of grammar. If my hair isn't slicked down or straightened to be not tight curls. All of those things have given me away before and it will likely happen again.

Plus I don't do it purposely lmao. I'm proud of being black, so why would I?? For temporary safety?? When systematically they still want me enslaved/dead? Nah.

Passive Privilege and Passing Safety are much of the same thing in original definitions, but one of them doesn't ned you to define it to know it's about prioritizing our right to live safely as who we are. (Because I think some people just get a little too hung up on the word privilege)

#ramble to me anytime <3 #inbox and dms are always open #i get that even in passing there is pain and ill never invalidate that #askbox

[nothorses]

Pretty much any time the topic of passing comes up it's someone talking about how you don't need to, which is absolutely true and necessary for lots of people, but sometimes it makes me feel weird for wanting to be stealth (I hate that term tbh). For instance there was a post saying that "you can be X and still pass!" was problematic truscum rhetoric because passing isn't necessary.

But I don't want the world to know I'm trans. I don't want to be clocked the instant I walk into a room. I'm not scared for my safety where I live, but I have enormous amounts of anxiety and I'm scared people are seeing me as an oddity or a fake man. For example I don't want bottom surgery but I want the pack and stp cause I'm scared of being side-eyed in the men's bathroom. It feels like what "stealth" implies: like I'm ashamed or faking.

People will talk about how they're proud of being openly or visibly trans, and I like being trans, I can take pride in being a weirdo or a freak...but I'm scared of being treated like one by cis people. And a lot of truscum rhetoric is that you have to be as cis as possible and sometimes I feel like I'm falling into that trap by wanting to pass.

I do think some queer circles have this idea that not being “out” is doing a disservice to The Community; like queer people need to be representation for other queer people, and the only reason they wouldn’t is because they don’t care, they reject the community, or they’re in Enough Danger for it to be excusable.

And while there is a lot of merit to queer people being visible for other queer people, it does betray a lot of entitlement that we demand people be visible for us.

There are a lot of reasons to want to “pass” or be stealth, and not all of them have to do with safety or Hating Transness. Sometimes you just don’t want to think about it! Sometimes you just don’t want your life to revolve around it! That’s okay, I think; trans people are allowed to just want a normal life. Ideally they don’t have to pass or be stealth in order to do that, but until then, they should do what’s best for them.

I think most of the trans community- especially offline- understands this, but I know those that don’t can still prey on those insecurities and make folks feel pretty awful. I'm sorry you’re dealing with that, and I hope it’s nobody close to you making you feel that way.

#transmasc experiences #Anon #Ask

[hexjulia]

lot of posts where i agree with the sentiment but there are just factually incorrect things in there like --no trans women accessing women's bathrooms is not dangerous to cis women, what's with this idea of bathrooms and dressing rooms as safe places anyway-- if cis men want to enter to attack you they already can you know, there's no Gender Verification scanner at the door, attacks mostly happen when you're alone etc--

But cis men very much do crossdress. Like I'm sorry if you're not aware but i can't reblog a post when dudes i have known had an entire fetish built around crossdressing and very much did not identify as women in any way. We're talking about otherwise normal dude to tampon sucking levels range of uhm, odd people here-- not mine lmao, and not my dates that's unsanitary but, I mean, yes. My friends have sure brought around Some People and then some guys just told me. Don't ask me why; i expect a dickpic level of reasoning. However i'malways curious so my response when someone says something odd is to go 'mm?' and that's how i find out more odd things.

Crossdressing is also very much a thing cis men do. Cis gay men but also very much heterosexual cis men who in no way identify as women. It's a sexual thing usually. Unless you assume all of them are lying about their identity that's just a thing. There are quite a lot of them, it's a form of humiliation kink for some actually which YES comes with all the misogynistic overtones you'd expect lol they're not necessarily ~progressive

And so statements like cis men don't crossdress just sound naive to me. There are a lot of men yk.

the more you know.

[qezdea]

Hey, I just read your response on my picture. I'm not transphobic and neither is JK Rowling. Obviously not all biological adult human females (women and transmen alike) menstruate but only human females can menstruate. I'd be happy to talk about this further and explain why I don't think JKR is transphobic if you want to. Have a good one.

sorry i took so long to see this. first, i would like to say that afab people are not the only people that have a menstrual cycle. as a trans girl i can confirm that a lot of us do have periods but obviously we don’t bleed when we do. second, she interpreted the phrase “people who menstruate” to exclusively mean women when really it includes teenage cis girls, adult women, trans girls, trans women, trans boys, and trans men (though they along with trans boys have ways to avoid it) and doesn’t include trans girls and trans women who haven’t transitioned yet, cis women who have gone through menopause, and cis women who don’t experience a menstrual cycle for other reasons. (the tweet i’m getting this from is here.)

second, jk rowling has written an article that i have not personally read but other trans people i trust like jammidodger have said it’s transphobic.

third, in the time since you sent this, jk rowling has announced a book about a cis guy preying on women by pretending to be a woman. that’s just every terf talking point rolled into one. terfs love to hold the idea of predatory men against trans women in the form of those bathroom “arguments” i’m sure you’ve heard of.

fourth, i’ve been realizing that rowling really hasn’t done much for feminism. snape was basically an incel and she treated that as something to redeem him, cho chang’s entire personality was “dates the popular guy,” and ginny didn’t really have a personality outside of “likes harry.” luna was really the only good female character she wrote that i can think of and she was treated terribly by every other character bar ginny.

fifth, you may have noticed i didn’t include hermione in either characters written well or written poorly. that’s because she’s a main character so there’s even more to talk about. one of the few times hermione had her own plot points she was treated as a joke for trying to change shitty situations. spew was a response to literal enslavement and the main argument against it was “they like being slaves.” one of the things with situations we’re born into is that we view it as normal and don’t want to change it because of that. that’s part of why we haven’t overthrown the government for any number of the terrible things they’ve done. another is that we tend to trust people with authority. and another is that it is very difficult for us to learn how to live in a completely different situation. can you see how these would combine to form a group that thought they wanted to be slaves? so that’s why spew exists but now let’s go back to how it was treated in the books. in the books, hermione saw that systemic oppression and tried to change it but everyone around her either benefited from it or ignored how fucked up it was and laughed at her instead. dumbledore didn’t want to pay his employees and ron especially thought it was a waste of time and was one of the main people saying “but they like it”

sixth, i know that rowling has said that she supports trans people in the past but all of that is for nothing if she can’t follow up and says and does stuff like what i’ve mentioned.

seventh, while writing this, my girlfriend told me that rowling deleted a tweet supporting stephen king after he said trans women are women. additionally, she has just added two more things that i think should be mentioned. the first is that in one of her books, rowling depicted a scene where a trans woman was put in a men’s prison where it was implied she would be raped and enjoy it. the second is that rowling’s pseudonym of robert galbraith is remarkably close to that of robert galbraith heath who was a famous conversion therapist. while that second one could have been something she came up with on her own she should have at least googled it before she used it.

eighth, all of this without even getting into the islamophobia of her new book, the anti-semitism of the goblins, the homophobia of just saying a character’s gay on twitter and never showing it in her stories even though she had the perfect chance with fantastic beasts 2, and the racism of cho chang’s name being two chinese last names.

[yelenaisace]

Oh, I see. While it is not a crime to be queer in my country, we remain under constant trial. Walk hand in hand? Kiss? Hug, even a friend in public? If we do that, we are absolutely sure that we are under judgmental eyes. All we can do is get together somehow??? Making friends in fandoms seems safer to me than going around making friends in real life. 😔

shshswuu I was a Directioner for four fucking years, I was also chasing all the Louis-centric fics and furiously consuming everything 1D related 😆 I definitely don't know how to be a casual fan

Did you have other artists that you also loved? At the same time, I loved Demi Lovato with all my heart. There's no song by this woman until 2016 that I can't sing. She didn't escape my fics either 😗

dejdjhweew we're dumb 😆 I thought the same thing! I've been here (among several different accounts) since 2015, there are a lot of functions in Tumblr that I learned recently ~

Hum, my mom and dad don't understand that it's okay not to be cis straight, there are many ways to relate and be out there. I know them more now than I did then, and personally, I don't see a future where they know who I really am. So I stopped wishing for their blessing to be who I am. I can at least say that I'm fine with it today and I hope you feel that way too. There's nothing wrong with us.

Yep! It's very lonely, you're just surrounded by people, you talk to a lot of people every day, maybe you even have a lot of friends, but you're absolutely sure that no one understands you. And this happens in a scenario where you live in a place that “supports” your presence. It can always be much worse for us 😟😟

My friends also don't understand what being "ace" means. When I came out to them, they assumed that "I'm not sexually attracted to anyone" = "I don't have any feelings for anyone"! They thought I was lying about our friendship 😆 It took me a while to make those idiots understand that I'm not a robot.

Have you ever met an ace in person? I've met 2 in my life, one in high school and one in college. Unfortunately, I was only able to befriend one of them. On the Internet, with access to a lot of people, you end up finding someone like you at some point. But in real life? It was the weirdest, coolest bathroom conversation I've ever had in my life.

Oh sorry for the big asks, I have to control myself 😩😩😩😩

ooh, it's illegal in my country actl! There's this law called "377A" (which I believe all countries under British rule had/have too) that criminalises gay sex which still haven't been repealed yet. There's a lot of debates going on as of right now about it actually just because people keep bringing up how nonsense this law is because they don't actually enforce the law since decades (iirc) ago, and so the law basically just enforces the idea that homosexuality/queer is just wrong :// That being said, I actually feel that despite the law in itself, the country I'm living in doesn't really have that same reaction as yours? I feel like I see a lot of same-sex couples nowadays out on the street way more openly than I did when I was growing up. So I'd say that there's definitely a changing attitude among the people ourselves (especially the younger generations), which is not reflected in our laws. Then again, idk if I'm seeing what I want or if there's a genuine change. It could also be the friends I'm surrounded by, who are definitely strong queer allies for sure. I can totally empathise with your "feeling safer" making friends through fandoms, bc although my country's not as "judgmental", I do find myself afraid of being the way I am too. I mean my close friends do know that I'm asexual, but I've only told fewer friends that I'm biromantic which idk why but to me ... is scarier. (Not that telling them I'm asexual isn't scary, bc it WAS and boii was I terrified as hell whenever I feel like telling someone new).

HAHAHHAHA I think I was a directioner for 2/3 years? TBH, I consumed more of Harry/Louis stuff LMAOOO and some Zayn/Louis but other than those two ships, I didn't really bother.

OOh, I'll be honest, I don't really listen much to Demi other than her songs back when she was with Disney still. I'm such a big Taylor Swift fan! I just think she's such an amazing and talented singer-songwriter. I always feel that her songs have such a rich story to each and every single one of them, which I absolutely love <33. Plus, her guitar and piano playing skills are just *chefs kiss*, and I feel that she can hold a concert/live of just her with those instruments and it'll still be such a captivating performance bc of how great of a performer she is. Those types of performances by her are definitely my favourite bc the emotion she injects is just <333

LMAOO yesss about learning new functions on Tumblr and

WE'RE FINALLY PROPERLY USING TUMBLR ded

"I don't see a future where they know who I really am" mhmm, yeah I definitely relate to this. I'm 100% okay with never telling them this part of who I am just cause I don't want to deal with it. Maybe it's a cowardly act, but I honestly don't care. I'm lucky enough to have found friends who are incredibly supportive and I love them with all my heart + the community here on Tumblr is a safe space for me too so :')

Yeah completely! I have friends who know and support me but when you're asexual or just queer in general, I feel that we see the world through a different lens? And it's not necessarily something we consciously realised until it's shoved in our faces like "omg, is that really how people with attraction feels?" -> like that reblog from days ago HAHHAHA. So yeah, I sometimes don't really understand the way my friends talk about dating/sexual attraction etc. and it can get lonely/isolating (again, I don't begrudge them bc sometimes I don't even realise how different of a view I have as compared to them because I'm ace)

OH MAN, yeah when I first found out I'm asexual ... it was not pretty. The friends I had back then didn't understand at all and they tend to say ignorant stuff that really hurt me which made me confused + depressed too ngl. Plus my ex, who although said he understood all that ... it didn't feel like he did? And it made for a lot of fights between us. :// I'm so so so thankful I found friends in Uni who are way more open-minded and although they may not understand it, actually go out of their way to google it and learn a little about it. The first time I told one of my friends in Uni (I was shaking a lil the entire time ngl), he immediately joked about making a dating app for asexuals, and uhh I cried because yeah ... it was such a stark contrast from the friends I had back when I was 17/18.

I'm glad your friends have started to learn the difference!! Also LOL at them thinking you guys arent friends. Maybe hopefully they'll learn more about it in the future :')

OOH, I had a friend back when I was 17/18 who was ace. But somehow he didn't understand me ?? IDK WHY. I think maybe he was just learning the ropes too. Because I was in a relationship at that time, he didn't really think I was asexual and we've drifted just cause of reasons that are too long and complicated for me to get into ded. Other than that, no actually! I've never met another asexual person irl, but yeah! I've found a lot of asexuals here on Tumblr which is great (though I don't talk to them HAHHAHA I'm too shy). But WOW, how did that bathroom conversation even start!! Sounds cool af though :)

(And NOOO, don't be sorry about these "big" asks! I genuinely do enjoy talking to you and I love sharing aspects about my life, especially with another ace person, just cause it's cool to see how similar/different our experiences have been! Also, sorry if I reply pretty late! I've been kinda swamped this week prepping to start my full-time work which is *ugh*)

P.S sorry this got long af

#asks

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

(1/6) In advance, sorry if this sounds clipped but I'm rewriting an 11 part ask because that's just too much and it feels like it would be rude to send such a long question. Somehow it's still long. So my background is: mostly used to aro and ace communities, don't have much experience with the lgbt+ community at large (trying to work on that), the way the aro/ace communities break concepts like attraction down really helped me figure out what my orientation was. Questioning my gender now and

(2/6) having a hard time finding resources that help me clarify my feelings instead of making me even more confused. I started researching thinking that they would be similar to aro and ace resources, going to the root of things and saying “What even is attraction, let’s define it” and breaking it down into chunks instead of trying to tackle the whole thing at once (see the split attraction model). Instead I found many lists of labels and pronouns, trans 101 that was at the same time too basic (3/6) and not basic enough, and “Gender is a feeling, masculinity/femininity/androgyny/etc are feelings too, no one can tell you what your gender is but you”. My request isn’t for anyone to tell me what my gender is, I’ll figure that out myself. But I feel I’m lacking the tools to do it. So does anyone have any resources, be they articles/blogs/life experiences and stories written by trans people/etc that breaks things like the feelings of gender as a whole, masculinity, femininity, androgyny,(4/6) agender, and dysphoria down (not coded behaviors or presentation, but what they actually FEEL like. These are the things that I’m most confused about and most want some sort of answer or definition for) in the style aro/ace resources do for attraction/orientation? To figure this out I need some sort of starting point or foothold or anchor for this instead of “it’s a feeling” when I don’t know what that feeling could be. But “Nobody can tell you what you are” sounds much more like defeat(5/6) than freedom to me rn. I’ve heard it said that gender is experienced differently by everyone, and if it’s really just some nebulous unidentifiable feeling that literally cannot be put into words then I can learn to live with the fact I’ll just never understand it, but… it just seems like there HAS to be some sort of commonality in the feeling of gender, the feeling of femininity/masculinity/all the rest that could be prevalent enough to say what that feeling IS and used to help people (6/6) figure out better who they are and who they want to be. For the ones like me who don’t even know what they’re feeling or what they want to be, just that they don’t want to feel like they do now.

Kii says:You’ve got a lot here, and you’re right. Gender is really confusing, and it really is something that 100 different people will give you 100 different answers about. Some people do feel their gender is best described by more visible aspects, such as behaviors, clothing, desired body, hobbies, etc, but some people don’t, and for them, it is just a feeling that isn’t describable, they just know internally what gender they are and can’t always explain why. 

However, just because there are feelings doesn’t mean that everyone’s feelings are the same, like the commonality you’re mentioning. You know the old “how do we know that your green is the same as my green?” Two people could be seeing the exact same item, both agree that it’s green, but how does anyone know that if I saw the same item through your eyes, I would still call it green? Your eyes might be structured completely differently than mine. Your green might be my purple, etc. I think the same goes for the words “masculine” and “feminine”- I can give you words that I associate with each, but a lot of people might disagree. 

Think of a person that you consider to be very masculine (whether they ID as a man or not)- why do you see them as masculine? Is it because of how they dress? What their body looks like? Because they like cars, sports, etc? How they act or other elements of their personality? Do the same for someone who you feel is very feminine (whether they ID as a woman or not). How is your “masculine” person different than your “feminine” person?

Androgyny is usually described as the intersection or mix of masculinity and femininity, so to figure out what you associate with androgyny, you kind of have to figure that out first.

We have a whole page about dysphoria, since that’s a more concrete concept. There are lots of descriptions there on how different people describe dysphoria and how it feels.

We also have this post, which a lot of people have tried to make helpful to questioning people, as well as this ask where various mods described what gender feels like to them.

Harper Says:I would also suggest a broader understanding of gender (and sexuality). You’re looking for a commonality that is not found uniformly in lived/expressed experiences - perhaps you might find it fleetingly, strangely, but I doubt it will come with much uniform clarity. The assumption that there has to be a commonality, a universality, is one that potentially assumes a (purely) medical/psychological account of gender and sexuality. Experiences of gender will necessarily intersect with other forms of systematic oppression: race, disability, and so on; and so each account of gendered experience has to be uncommon.Try instead understanding gender as part of a wider system of oppression rigged to benefit white cis men. In this, bodies, activities, sexualities, (and many other things) are codified and performed within a system of oppression. This is the way as far as I, and many other thinkers, understand gender. When you ask for gender as “not coded behaviors or presentation, but what they actually FEEL like” I think you misunderstand that gender is easily and always both. The performances, the risks, the transgressions, that commonly make up transgender experiences are inescapably coded behaviours - we don’t live in a society that isn’t oppressive. That is why there is such fear and thrill in a trans woman shaving her legs for the first time, or a trans man using the men’s bathroom for the first time. The emotion and feeling wouldn’t be there if such transgressions weren’t coded in a system of oppression that frowns upon such behaviours. Gender is always on some level something that is done and the doing is bound up with being. To strive for a definition that reduces one to the other or excludes one or the other is as far as I understand it, a misunderstanding, and this is perhaps where your confusion comes from.With this understanding I would then say that it is not very surprising that you’re finding dead-ends and confusion by trying to parse an understanding of gender through split-attraction model type thinking. This is a relatively recent way of thinking about sexuality within the LGBT community, (one that I personally find no stock in), butting up against around thirty years of queer feminist thought, and a whole history of LGBT lives and experiences. You will probably find that trying to think through gender in ace/aro modes of thought is an impossible task without this appreciation of transgender history or an understanding of heterosexuality as the oppressive action of gender.I’m not surprised then, that you find defeat instead of freedom; for many, gender is something that is survived. Freedom can only come with the abolition of gender, that is the end of the “material, social, and economic dominance of men and exploitation of women” (Escalante). So to speak of a commonality, perhaps start reading about how these oppressive systems work. Understanding all of this is not an easy task. Below I’ll feed a few pointers on a theoretical level, and as such can throw up inaccessible language. My hope is that if you do struggle with any of it, from here you can google keywords and hopefully find more sources that suit you better.For the theoretical exploration of such see: Judith Butler’s Gender Trouble, and Monique Wittig’s The Straight Mind and Other Essays (see One is Not Born a Woman - I haven’t yet managed to find a pdf for the whole book). Or key words: material feminism, Butler, gender performance, heterosexuality, the straight mind. CW: (this will be quite broad but I know Wittig talks about:) pornography, sexual harassment, slavery.For an account of gender which explores these concepts see Susan Stryker’s My Words to Victor Frankenstein…. In this Stryker mixes a lived personal experience with gender as a trans woman alongside theoretical musings. Key words: transfeminism, transgender studies, transgender rage. CW: surgery, suicide, TERF stuff, pregnancy, birth.I would also recommend investing yourself in transgender voices and histories, so you can see how a varied approach to gender throughout history has been undertaken and lived. How complexities and contradictions have been embodied and embraced complexly by trans individuals. See Paris is Burning for what has become an important moment in LGBT cinema and history. CW death, accounts of violence, mentions of surgery, talk about sex.Also check out One From the Vaults a trans history podcast by Morgan M. Page. (Also available on iTunes, etc. I think.) In this engrossing podcast, Page tells the stories of various trans - or at least gender transgressive - people throughout history, including clips of them, letters, interviews, etc.. It comes with “all the dirt, gossip, and glamour from trans history” and so shows the variety of our trans ancestors throughout history, good and bad, happy and sad; encompassing all different ways of doing gender and different ways of being.In terms of your own personal questioning of gender, I would do as I advised here. Do gender: evoke man, evoke woman, evoke neither. Try things out, see what you feel. Explore yourself and your own embodiment and explore the feelings that arise out of this. At the end of the day, gender isn’t something that originates from books and articles, it is lived and done out in the world.I wish you the very best on your journey!

#harper says #Anonymous #kii says #caps #what is gender #wittig #butler #split attraction model #transfeminism #long post #questioning #trans history #trans media

[byz-ance]

Hi sorry I don't watch Voltron but one character uses they/them in canon or is it only fanon? I see the same character (I think) mentioned as she/her so I'm very confused lol also your art style is so nice!

@morgrenth Hi! First of thanks! I’m glad you like my style! 

But yeah the character is Pidge Gunderson, who (mild spoilers that are resolved within the first three episodes) dresses up like a boy to infiltrate a school and has had some......ambiguity about their gender? 

in the comic, they’re referred to with they/them pronouns, and they show’s pretty much been very ambivalent on that and for the last couple of seasons after the reveal hasn’t really used pronouns at all for Pidge? 

but yeahhhh i mean they say ‘i’m actually a girl’ in that reveal scene but never go back to using ‘Katie’ as their name or changing their presentation at all and arguably, yeah, it is justifiable if you wanna use she/her pronouns for Pidge and a lot of fandom does, but insofar, we’ve had canonical use of they/them and an active avoidance of actual pronouns but that is honestly more about the voltron writers not really knowing how to handle that than any like, commentary they’re making, i think? 

So yeah up in the air i guess? I’m also just like. fucking Petty? I’ve seen people very vehement about some people wanting to use they/the pronouns for pidge because of the ‘i’m a girl’ thing but like. and speaking as someone who’s genderfluid themselves but sometimes uses binary terms to refer to myself (i call myself a shitty punk boy, or all manner of  _____-boy all the time tho i definitely don’t identify as one) i’m not sure how much that really means  in terms of like a legitimate confirmation one way or another esp with the rest of the stuff afterwards? There’s also a scene in season 3 where they’re trying to decide which bathroom to go into at a mall, and seem very confused and indecisive, and if that isn’t just a real big flag of like - this bean is nonbinary or at least questioning their gender i don’t know what y’all fucking want. 

Also, again, being genderfluid i will cling to any nonbinary representation, even the merest hit of it, half baked though this one kind of is, till my dying breath. I enjoy Pidge gender headcanons of all sorts, really, but I’m honestly a bit disappointed that people are so eager to peg Pidge as just a cis girl when they’re a fairly rare example of gender ambigiuity that isn’t just dudes in drag or just overtly shitty in western cartoons of late and like. c’mon people can i just see myself in media a little bit?? like can that just be a thing? 

also i’m just so sad that the gender binary still exists in space???? there are some good lady alien designs in this show that arent just human women painted in different colours (But then again there are those ones too............................. .....................) but we haven’t had a great showing on the front of having gender systems that aren’t just Western Human Cis Ones. And I know Voltron is a kid’s show, technically, but i still feel like there was an opportunity missed there because it’s netflix produced and not on a traditional network???? 

sorry this was long but yeah, i kind of didn’t answer your question because there’s really not a proper answer but yeahhhh. come watch voltron! if you do tell me if you like it! 

#taking care of byz-ness #replies #not gonna tag i don't super want that fight #but yeah #but i'm petty mostly in that if a post uses she/her for pidge #i like won't reblog it?? #morgrenth