#literally made myself make this blog when I was sad/out of spite to force myself to be unashamed of my interests

[fuwaprince]

I'm in a terribly dark place after coming home. Sad and tired. Angry. I'm sorry for speaking about my life again. I wish I could post without bothering anybody

I went out last night with the same old dude for a cig run. I thanked him for making time for me and gave him some of the frosted brownies that my stomach couldn't handle eating. I wanted to make it as worth it for him as possible since I know people's help is usually conditional. The brownie offering wasn't enough for him. He wanted more.

I had already been crying all day and night and just wanted to leave the house for a break. Just wanted something to change since I was basically rotting away in bed. I didn't want to be alone anymore. Anybody's company would do. I reach out online often for strangers that want to meet for a once time distraction.

When I make it to the gas station, I get two sodas. One for me and one for him. The girl cleaning the drink machines who is also the girl working the register was so sleepy and exhausted that I had to help her check out my items. She looked at me like she was struggling and she could clearly see the struggle that I was going through by looking at my face. I told her, "enjoy the rest of your shift" and she told me that she really appreciates that and to have a safe night. Seeing her was the best part of my whole damn day honestly. She kept apologizing for being tired and I just kept saying "no, thank you for everything you do", "thank you for working", "thank you for being here". It meant something to hear her wish me safety.

I go back to the guy's car and we drive to some empty lot so that I can smoke a cig. He kept relentlessly trying to force me to touch him, as per usual, by guiding me with his hands and pulling me into him while I'm standing. It was so annoying and forceful. I kept saying no angrily, stepping away and dancing around him with my lit cig to avoid being touched... After a long fucking time and many failed attempts at trying to force me, it was enough to get him to stop. Glad that I didn't play the role he had in mind but I don't enjoy the consequences either.

I thought about my ex who is the only other person irl who sometimes gives me rides. One time he dropped me off and told me things like "I COULD be like them" "I COULD take advantage of you" as if he's doing me a favor by not. Thanks ex of mine, that's so sweet of you to not violate me!

Guy who just got rejected again cried a bunch next to me and mumbled shit under his breath for the rest of the night. Said maybe he should leave then which reminds me of the time he suggested that he should care less because I didn't let him touch me during a car ride that I asked for in the middle of the night.

He gives backhanded ass comments all night long about how maybe I'll finally do something for myself and work harder to live the life most privileged people such as himself just get born into. He tried randomly bringing up how he saw screenshots of texts I sent to my mom that weren't very kind. I'm not sure why. He just wanted to spite me for not complying.

PS I would say that shit to her face in front of anybody and everybody. I would post it on my blog. I don't give a fuck. I don't take any of it back. She failed as a mother of two. She abused a dog to death. She failed to protect me, denied me a relationship with my birth dad and his whole family, lied that her most recent husband was my father and let him abuse me all my fucking life. She didn't even tell me my race out of shame and groomed me to hate "Spanish" people (she's too afraid to say Mexican, idk why). I would've never found out if I wasn't so damn persistent to find out why her stories don't add up. She sabotaged the benefits I was depending on in hopes I starved to death. Literally. Fuck her. When I called her crying that my ex had broken my bones and left me with a bloody face, she told me I was a liar and made sure to tell everyone else I was a liar too (despite my ex OPENLY ADMITTING TO BEING VIOLENT TOWARDS ME. I had to beg him to tell them it was true. She and her friend's whole family still call me a liar). She denied me being raped as a child. She acted like me calling CPS would ruin the family the day I threatened to without really knowing what CPS was. Her husband was going to choke me if I didn't. My mom has done FUCKED UP SHIT. FORCED ME TO LIE AND PRETENDED HER DENTURES BROKE TO GET MONEY FROM HER FAMILY MEMBERS SO SHE COULD FUEL A GAMBLING ADDICTION INSTEAD OF USING IT TO PAY FOR US TO HAVE MORE THAN JUST EGGS AND RICERONI DURING THE 2008 RECESSION. She forged my signature to move me schools when I gained the courage to tell a counselor at my highschool about the abuse when I was a freshman. She told me I was a liar and that I never got raped after the doctor whispered to her during an appointment that my fucking child hymen was broken and asked if she knew why. She told me to lie for her and to protect her husband so that he would still pay for the house he would eventually kick me out of. She said they'd take my brother and I and split us apart into different foster homes if I did and I would never see him again. She threw belts at me on my birthday. She took a whole rack of belts that her husband had in the closet and angrily threw them on top of my crying body on my 18th birthday. She said "you want to hang yourself? Here! Hope this helps!". She left me waiting after school until 9pm regularly. Telling me not to come home even though it was only across the bridge and down a few easily walkable streets. She told me I would get raped if I did. She'd ignore my calls from the payphone because I didn't have a phone growing up. She told me it was because I didn't deserve one and I would use it to talk crap about her. She said that's the same reason she didn't give me braces "why would I fix your ugly teeth? You use them to talk shit about me". She threw knives at me and my little bro when I was 7. She would tear down the whole house, pack it into a box and LEAVE without telling anybody where for so long. My brother and I would cry. And if we went to our grandma's house or knocked on the neighbor's door, we would get punished for "bringing our problems to other people". My mom has done horribly fucked up shit. She would attack me and rip apart all my belongings. All the art I was proudly posting on my empty walls. She'd destroy whatever I put up in her routine attacks. Then she would leave me crying to clean her mess after unplugging the home phones and leaving. I was too young to figure out why they wouldn't work and I remember being so desperate to call my elementary school friends for help. When I told them what happened, she would tell them that I was a liar seeking attention and not to listen to me. When I told people I was suicidal, she told them I was spoiled and fine because I had both my parents (I didn't). I didn't have lights in my bedroom until I was in my senior year of highschool. When I lost my baby, she said God punished me because I'm bad.

He asked if I would share a place with him again and I told him it's polite to offer but no because I don't want to commit suicide from being mistreated in another shitty home situation where if I don't abide by people's every command, they kick me out on my ass... Which is exactly what would happen. I'm not trying to be owned, trapped as a sex slave and threatened to be thrown back onto the streets if I don't play the role he casts onto me. I don't consent to it. Not gonna happen. People who don't understand the situation will tell me that I'm choosing to be miserable by not accepting his offer. People like his mother will say I'm a "bad woman" for not just marrying her entitled brat. That's who she is. She lies to people saying I threaten her and that I'm crazy nowadays. She tried showing off some screenshots of texts that I sent her. I hope anybody who judges me based on a few angry texts know that they're part of the problem.

I'm back home now. I don't want to exist. I don't want to be. I really wish somebody would smoke me out so that I can pass out in bed and hopefully not wake up crying tomorrow morning. I'm coping how I can. I can't keep doing this. I don't want to be here. I'm so desperate to escape my situation but all my opportunities to leave are actually just worse options. I wish I had SOMEBODY here who actually wanted good for me. I feel like I don't have anyone.

Thank you again for following my shitty life story. I'm sorry for being so sad. Things aren't fine. I just want life to be okay

#i need emotional support #i need care #i need unconditional love #i need somebody to depend (not weed) #i need a hug #i need financial support #i need shelter that isn't plagued with terrorism and mistreatment. #i need friends who will hang out with me late at night without violating me #i need an applogy for how shitty my life sucks #i need good parents #i would reslly really really like to smoke with somebody chill so that i wasn't alone and fantasizing about terrible things #don't read this but if you do brace yourself for crap #i love you #babbling

[grimmjowjaegerjaquez]

I have a couple of bleach related question about some topics you already mentioned and since I love your thoughts and you have bleach moment I hope I won’t be to annoying. Obv don’t need to answer

Is Grimmjow your favourite bleach character? What moment made you change your mind on orihime? Was there specific moment, or just all of it? Why arrancar arc is your favourite? Do you like any other one? Can you elaborate on grimmulqui? What do you find interesting about their dynamic, since it’s described as completely incompatible in canon? You saw Di Roy as basically looking up to grimmjow, do you have other ideas about the group dynamic? And sth with drama but I need to know Is your feeling about gr!m!chi based on age difference they have? Cuz I felt the same after I became an adult and wonder if it’s similar to you, but someone pointed out Isshin and masaki who are also similar in ages, so idk what to think rn?

And btw I hope one day you will feel comfy enough to share your OC/character. I always look forward to what you post so I’m sure it is fun and interesting. Thanks and sorry again.

Oooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh ok I’m sorry to everyone for what I am about to inflict upon your dash. 

So i think back when I first watched bleach as a tiny middle schooler, I did like Grimmjow the most. But my best friend had said that Grimmjow was HER favourite, so i opted for Ulquiorra instead out of respect (my kid logic was unmatched, i know lmao). Now Ulquiorra is a character that I love a lot and I did RP as him for a couple years because of that (he is a sad clown. he is an emo. like how can i not like him), but Grimmjow has absolutely retaken the spot of Number One Guy of All Time. He is the Original Catboy, he's blue, he’s a dickhead, he's a lot more observant and intelligent than literally everyone gives him credit for, he loves to beat the shit out of everyone, AND he’s emotionally constipated, I love him. 

Also for Orihime it was like, when I was getting back into bleach in college i was peeking at some blogs for it while also reading the manga and the hate people have for her is so unreal dude. Like part of it really was just out of spite for those people lmfao. There's nothing wrong with her, people are just so venomous!! And for what!! Her big boobs????? She’s weird! She’s compassionate and will heal even her enemies! And not to repeat myself but she’s ALSO more observant and intelligent than literally everyone gives her credit for. She intuits so much that other characters dont pick up on, like??? Why. I mean I know why, its just tiring lmfao

I guess I like chapters before Rukia’s capture because the energy for them is really good? And the shinigami arc is all good because it sets up a lot of new shit for the rest of the series. And also the Fullbringer arc is a lot better than I thought it was going to be. BUUUUUT Arrancar Arc is my favourite bc the arrancar are my favourite. No competition. I think their world is interesting, how it worked before Aizen and after Aizen fucked it all up; I like the struggle between the animalistic lifestyle and cycle of violence they’d all been subjected to rubbing up against the reclamation of their humanity and figuring out what that means for them, and how the promise Aizen gives them of power makes that even harder because he’s forcing them to stay in that survival-of-the-fittest, hyper competitive mindset so they can all be his little murder machines. I also love that they all have fursonas lmfao.

For Grimmulqui it’s like… I think I just like the idea of two dudes with a shitty grasp on their own emotions (mostly from being in an environment that’s forced them to suppress anything that isn’t going to keep them alive) not realizing what it is they're feeling for each other. Seeing Grimmjow noticing things about Ulquiorra (mostly to size him up as a threat, I’m sure lmao) like how he notes that he will always stab prey he’s interested in right where his hollow hole is, as a quirk that he thinks Ulq himself probably doesnt realize. And like, he’ll say shit like “haha, you’re scared to fight me! Because you think we’ll tear each other apart!” and then turn around and just remove Ulquiorra from the situation entirely instead of actually fighting him (which yes is because he had the objective of fighting Ichigo instead and that would just prolong everything and get in the way) But idk! It reads to me like he might be projecting a tiny bit! Also like. The Penis Swords Chapter Cover. Need I Say More.

As for Grimmjow’s group, yeah, but it’s like. It’s less about each of them on an individual level and more about them as just a group? Because of how little we really got for them it’s a lot more work to extrapolate things from lmao. Like I think they all idolize Grimmjow in a way, but Di Roy does the most and is the most obvious about it. Most of my thoughts on them are just about how cool it’d be if they were all still alive and could pal around with their favourite guy :( They could have the shittiest mancave in Las Noches that Shawlong fruitlessly tries to lecture everyone else about cleaning, and it’d be great! Also I think its funny that Yylfordt is the jock to Szayel’s nerd and the potential for more sibling rivalry shit would be cool. 

And uh. Well for Grimmichi and Isshin/Masaki like…….. Dude idk what to tell you lmfao. Like we could have a whole discussion about Kubo being lame for Isshin/Masaki but I think people using the fact that it’s canon in spite of the age gap as a defense for grimmichi (which i think is what you’re implying, right?) is fucking dumb lol. As if that suddenly makes it less weird. Ok.

#bleachposting #long post #as for my ocs its like #i do have tags for them! i just am maybe slightly embarrassed about them and want to update them a bit <:) #like fuck theres lorcan and his whole thing with ulq. i keep drawing thumbnails for the comic of it. #will i ever finish it and post it? remains to be seen

[sketching-shark]

LMK fandom: Oh, what do we do about this guy who has nothing but hurt Xiaotian, tried to replace Sun Wukong and his crew, hurt Tripitaka and ordered servants to cannibalize a monkey? Oh I know! We’ll turn him into our little meow meow~ he’s so innocent and Sun Wukong is obviously the villain!

What doesn’t help is this idea is perpetuated by multiple fan fic writers and artists for some reason. Especially some aus they make that turn SWK into a bastard for the sake of the story rather than considering cultural context and thinking they should be respectful.

And almost everyone lets them get away with it just because the art or fanfic is good and they get so popular that no one can point what is actually wrong without feeling like they’re going to get attacked.

I'm starting to feel like my blog is the one anons go to specifically to vent their frustrations about the Six Eared Macaque in his lego monkey show form & the associated fandom lmao. But I guess this makes sense, as I’ve had fun quasi-dragging him before & will in fact use this anon submission as an opportunity to have my own, to put it academically, bitch fest about not just this fandom's favorite protagonist-traumatizing meow meow, but about the way villains are often treated in not just fanon, but increasingly in canon works as well. But same policy as with the last anon; I'll post my opinions below the cut, and as fandoms love to say, don’t like don't read if you don't want to see me dunking on the six eared simian & common fandom tendencies towards villains.

Oh man I would say where would you even begin with this but anon you’ve pretty much started yourself with my main gripe with a lot of ways that the Six-Eared Macaque is portrayed in fandom; there seems to be this unspoken agreement that his acts of violence towards Sun Wukong, Qi Xioatian, and Qi Xioatian’s loved ones are either to be framed as somewhat or totally justified, to be immediately forgiven/excused, or to simply & completely be ignored. Like friends maybe this is just me not seeing the proper posts but while the fandom is inundated with art and fanfics of Macaque as a generally decent individual & a true member of team good guy, I have yet to see one person address the fact that this monkey literally kidnapped & mind-controlled Xiaotian’s best friend and father figures & forced them to brutalize Xiaotian while ol’ Six Ear looked on and laughed (X_X). Like this kind of fandom villain treatment is definitely not something that’s solely at work for Monkie Kid, but it is kind of nutty how fandoms will swing between yelling that people should be allowed to like villains without even mild critique, and then will just flat-out not address the villainous behavior, and will even bend over backwards to frame even characters who committed genocide as just poor innocent widdle victims who need a hug. At its worst, I’ve even seen tons of people in a fandom get really angry at other people who don’t like a villain, and will even start accusing those people of hating real-life mentally disabled or abused individuals all because they don’t like the fandom’s favorite literal war criminal. The Monkie Kid fandom is FAR more chill & better than a lot of other fandoms I’ve come across in that regard, but that is an exceedingly low bar, & the tendency to woobify certain kinds of villains-- as with Macaque and the extreme emphasis on his bad boy/sad boy thing--is very much at work.  

 I’ve also talked before about a kind of monoculturalization of certain character interpretations and story beats in fandoms, and one of the more popular ones that seems to be applied to Macaque a lot is the “hero actually bad, villain actually good” cliche, as observable from the general fandom assumption that Mr. Six-Ears he wasn’t even slightly lying or remembering things through a rose-tinted or skewed lens when he gave his version of his and Sun Wukong’s past. Like at this point it seems the possibility that people WILL NOT even consider is that Sun Wukong never did & still doesn't care that much about the Six Eared Macaque (in JTTW they weren’t sworn brothers & in Monkie Kid the only thing the monkey king really said to Macaque before attacking him was a pretty contemptuous "Aren't you ever going to get sick of living under my shadow?," & responds to his "beloved friend" getting blown up with "You did good, bud" to Qi Xiaotian, who did the exploding), or that their original fight may in fact have mostly been instigated by Macaque. After all, to repeat what this anon summarized & what I've said before about their original JTTW context (& in an example of the things that do feel like it's often lost in translation) is that the Six Ear Macaque was a villain not just because he beat up the Tang Monk, but because he wanted to take over Sun Wukong's entire life and identity so he could have all that glory, prestige, and power for himself. To quote the macaque himself from the Anthony C. Yu translation, "I struck the T'ang monk and I took the luggage...precisely because I want to go to the West all by myself to ask Buddha for the scriptures. When I deliver them to the Land of the East, it will be my success and no one else's. Those people of the South Jambudvipa Continent will honor me then as their patriarch and my fame will last for all posterity." And in order to do this, the Six Eared Macaque had apparently made Sun Wukong's "little ones," his monkey family, his captives through either trickery or force, and gotten a number of them to take on the appearance of Tang Sanzang and the other pilgrims. It's also made clear that in very direct contrast to Sun Wukong, he doesn't care about these monkeys beyond how they might serve him. In fact, after Sha Wujing kills the monkey posing as him the Six Eared Macaque not only all but immediately replaces him with another, but also "told his little ones to have the dead monkey skinned. Then his meat was taken to be fried and served as food along with coconut and grape wines." So this monkey is not only willing to risk the lives of a lot of other monkeys for his own personal benefit, but is also a literal cannibal. And yes yes, I know a lot of people have argued that Monkie Kid shouldn't be considered a direct sequel to JTTW & that's fair enough (for example, Sun Wukong probably shouldn't be smashing anyone into a meat patty in a children's cartoon lol). And of course, it needs to be noted that there are a buttload of really out there & really cursed pieces of media based on JTTW & that were created in China. Yet the above description is the oft-ignored in the west original facet of the Six Eared Macaque's character. And it is this selfishness, entitlement, and treatment of other individuals as tools for his own self-serving ends  that is, from where I’m standing, still very much present in Monkie Kid. Like besides repeatedly going out of his way to physically and psychologically traumatize Xioatian, with the last episode Macaque seemed to be going right back to his manipulative ways. I’ve seen people frame their last conversation as Macaque softening to Xioatian a little bit, but personally that read a lot more like that common tactic among abusers where even after they’ve hurt you they’ll dangle something you want or need over your head (in Macaque’s case, the promise of desperately needed training and information about a serious looming threat), with the implication that you’ll only get it if you do what they want you to, such as, in this case, Xioatian going back to Macaque as his student even after having been so terribly hurt by this monkey, which would give Macaque power over Xiaotian and probably Sun Wukong as a result. And it is this violence and manipulation that it seems the fandom at large has tacitly decided shouldn’t even be addressed, instead leaning more towards a (and this is an exaggeration) “Six-Eared Macaque my poor meow meow Sun Wukong has always been bad & has always been wrong about literally everything” reading. 

And while it is the case that I am not Chinese and feel that as such it would be best left to someone who actually comes from that background to provide more context into how common interpretations of the Six Eared Macaque from China may clash really badly with the stuff the western fandom creates, it also must be noted that, as much as we all want to have fun in fandom & in spite of all the out-there versions of JTTW from China, we westerners should recognize that there is a very long and very ugly history of western countries stripping other cultures’ important religious and literary works for parts & mashing them into their own thing while implying or even insisting that what they present provides a true understanding of the original piece. And while I trust most individuals in regards to Monkie Kid are able to step back and think “this is a lego cartoon and not a set guide for how I should understand JTTW” (especially given the insistence that JTTW and Monkie Kid should be considered there own separate works) there does nevertheless seem to be something of a tendency to take the conclusions people come to, for example, about Sun Wukong’s characteristic in his lego form & then assume that’s just reflective to Sun Wukong as a totality. I imagine a good portion of this is due to people not reading JTTW & especially to not having easy access to solid information or answers about JTTW’s many different facets (like geez awhile ago I was trying to get a clear answer on what is considered the most accurate translation of the names of Sun Wukong’s six sworn brothers & got like 5 different responses lmao), but that tendency to take a western fandom interpretation & run with it instead of doing any background research or questioning said interpretation is still very much at play. As such, & as made prominent in the way people have been interpreting the dynamic between Sun Wukong and the Six Eared Macaque in the lego monkey show, tbh it does seem kind of shitty for western creators & audience to sometimes go really out of their way to ignore all of this original cultural & narrative context for the sake of Angst (TM) in Macaque's favor, demonizing Sun Wukong, and shipping the monkey king with his evil twin (X_X).

And speaking of which, even beyond the potential inherent creepiness & revulsion that can be inspired by this specific ship given common interpretations of the og classic's original meaning (again, it's my understanding, given both summaries of translated Chinese academic texts I've been kindly provided with, my own reading of the Anthony C. Yu translation of JTTW, & vents from a number of Chinese people I've seen on this site, that the Six-Eared Macaque is commonly interpreted in China as having originated from Sun Wukong himself as a living embodiment of his worst traits, hence why only Buddha can tell the difference between them & why the monkey king is much more slow to violence after he kills the macaque), I'd argue that in the face of all the uwu poor widdle meow meow portrayals lego show Macaque is, especially if you include JTTW's events, still in the role of “Sun Wukong but worse” as he is very much a violent & selfish creep. Like he was basically running around in JTTW wearing a Sun Wukong fursuit, but there he had the sole reason of wanting to replace Sun Wukong wholesale so he could have all the good things in the monkey king's life without actually having to work as hard for them. But if you combine that with Macaque now claiming that he used to be best friend with Sun Wukong in his pre-journey days (something that's made funny from a JTTW context given that that status actually belongs to the Demon Bull King lol), his original violence has now blown into this centuries long and really unhealthy obsession with the monkey king. Like he's apparently gone from wanting to literally be Sun Wukong to being so obsessed with getting revenge on Sun Wukong that he's got basically nothing else going on in his life. Like he's only appeared in two episodes but...does he have any friends? Any family? A career or even a hobby that DOESN'T center the monkey king? Anything at all outside of his "get revenge on and/or kill Sun Wukong/use his successor as my personal punching bag” thing? Like dude! That is extremely creepy and extremely bad for everyone all around! As I’ve said before, this seeming refusal to see beyond the past or to do something that doesn’t involve Sun Wukong in some capacity is a trait that makes Macaque an interesting and somewhat tragic villain--he even seems to be working as Sun Wukong’s reflection in a mirror darkly, with lego show Sun Wukong pretty clearly not being able to heal from his own past which is hinted to be defined by one loss after another, and with Monkie Kid even kind of having these two characters somewhat follow their JTTW characterizations in that in the latter half of the journey Sun Wukong often gets sad & starts crying in the face of what seems insurmountable odds (& Monkie Kid Sun Wukong does seem to be hiding some serious depression behind a cheerful facade), whereas the Six-Eared Macaque retains a worse version of Sun Wukong’s pre-journey characteristic of getting pissed and lashing out if things don’t go his way--but it’s also what would make any current friendship or romantic relationship between these monkeys horrific. Although to be fair even the fandom seems to recognize this in an unconscious way, in that a lot of the art & fanfic seems to swing erratically between them kissing & screaming at each other in yet another example of bog-standard fandom adulation of romanticized toxic relationships lol.  

At the end of the day, of course, this is nothing new. You'll find versions of this dynamic across a ton of fandoms and now even canonical work. And as such, I can only look at this kind of popularized relationship dynamic with a kind of resigned weariness whenever it pops up, & my frustrated question with the popularity of this kind of pairing is the exact same one that I have for a multitude of blatantly toxic villain/hero ships, given common fandom discourse & the tendency to either ignore or justify the villain's actions & demonize the hero: if you're THAT convinced that everything is the hero's fault, if you believe THAT much that the hero is the one in the wrong for the villain's pain and their subsequent actions, then why are you so set on them not only becoming a romantic pair, but framing this get-together as a good thing? Like I know we contain multitudes but that's waaay too many contradictions for me to wrap my head around. And it definitely doesn’t help that one branch of underlying reasoning behind this kind of pairing seems to be the ever-present “you break it, you fix it” mentality, where the assumption is that if you’re in a failing, abusive, and/or generally toxic relationship (platonically or romantically), if you put in enough time and effort & attempts to compromise, you’ll be able to restore/have the relationship you dreamed of, even with someone who hurt you really badly. And this assumption isn’t limited to fandom: I’d even argue that it’s everywhere in the culture, hence why a lot of people feel like they “failed” if they have to get a divorce or make the choice to leave an unhealthy friendship. Personally, I feel like people could really benefit from more stories about how it is not only the case that the people you hurt don’t owe you their forgiveness & you can still become a better and happier person without the one you hurt in your life, & that while it can be really hard it can also be a good thing to leave a relationship, even if it’s one that once meant a lot to you. 

  But in all honestly, from my own perspective this kind of pairing is starting to read far less like enemies to lovers and far more like a horrible fantasy where you can pull whatever shit you want, even on the people you "love," & never be held accountable for your terrible behavior or even have to consider that maybe you were in the wrong. It's another facet that makes me larf every time I see people insist that fandom is an inherently "transformative" or "progressive" form of storytelling like friends you are literally just taking status quo toxic monogamy & rebranding it as somehow beneficial & romantic (X_X).

But as to anon’s last frustration, it is hard to know what is the appropriate response with this kind of thing...like for my own part I’m keeping my frustrations to my blog & now increasingly to posts that you would have to click on the “read more” button to see what I have to say, but I totally get the hesitation to give even a mild critique to big names in a fandom. Like I've now seen it happen repeatedly where someone who has a big name in a fandom will make something that's kind of shitty for one reason or another, someone will message them with some version of "hey, that's kind of shitty, you shouldn't do that," and the typical response is either to blatantly ignore the issue completely, or more popularly to make a giant crying circus that seems deliberately geared towards stoking emotions on both sides of the, for example, fiction does/doesn't affect reality issue so that something that didn't even have to be that big a deal gets blown out of all proportion, with the big name often framing what often started out as a very mild critique into a long crying jag about how the initial response to their kind of shitty thing was so mean/cruel and they're just a poor innocent & that YOU'RE the true racist/sexist/bigot etc. if you don't agree with their opinion. It must of course be noted that there have also been numerous instances of people taking it too far the other way & sending not just big names but smaller creators literal deaths threats over stuff like innocuous ships which like holy hell bells people that’s a horrible thing to do. But for the big names at least, the end result of all this fighting is usually that once the dust has settled they have more attention/fame/money/power in the fandom than before, and with anyone who might have a problem with their stuff feeling afraid to voice their opinion lest they be swarmed by that person's fans. In that way fandom does often seem to increasingly be geared towards presenting an “official” fandom perspective about various facets of a piece of media instead of allowing for a multitude of interpretations, and with criticism, no matter its shape or form or how genuinely warranted it may be, being hounded out of existence. I feel like a lot of this could be made less bad if there wasn’t this constant assumption & even drive to think that a different interpretation of or criticism of your favorite work of fiction or your fanwork isn’t a direct claim that you are a thoroughly loathsome individual (& maybe also if people cultivated an enjoyment of learning things about important works from a culture outside their own, even if what you learn clashes with your own initial understandings), but I guess we’ll see if that ever happens. 

So these are my general thinks about the Six Eared Macaque’s current fandom meow meow status & some of my bigger gripes with fandom tendencies as a whole. I stand by my idea that the most interesting & beneficial route for Macaque moving forward would be a kind of “redemption without forgiveness from the ones you hurt” arc--as I think was done pretty excellently with the character Grace in Infinity Train--and if for no other reason than gosh dern this monkey really needs to cultivate some sort of identity beyond his “Sun Wukong but worse” persona. 

#lmk macaque #monkie kid macaque #6 eared macaque #monkie kid #lmk sun wukong #qi xiaotian #lmk monkey king #sun wukong #monkey king #journey to the west #jttw #fandom criticism #lmk

[michelles-garden-of-evil]

Episode 30 Review: The Executive Meddling Begins?

{ YouTube: 1 | 2 }

{ Full Synopses/Recaps: Debby Graham | Bryan Gruszka }

{ Screencaps }

Welcome to my Garden of Evil, where today we end one era of the history of Strange Paradise and begin a new one: the period of the “Lost Episode” summaries, when the soap opera’s producers forced headwriter Ian Martin to rewrite much of his original story, discarding many subplots and planned plot twists and negating the original episode synopses that had already been sent to newspapers throughout North America. The known published synopses for this episode are as follows:

"Vangie, the voodoo priestess, uses her conjurer's powers to weaken the evil spell which possesses Jean Paul and to plant the suggestion that she come to his private island."[1]

"A secret potion draws Jean Paul to a voodoo priestess."[2]

According to Curt Ladnier’s blog, this is the first episode known to have been altered after the synopses were sent out, but, before starting this review, I had my doubts. Certainly, comparison between the summaries and the aired episodes show clear evidence of script changes by Episode 32, but there was enough ambiguity in certain events in this episode for me to question if this one was even rewritten in the first place. So, without further ado, let’s run a fine-toothed comb through the aired version of Episode 30 and see if we can find conclusive evidence of rewriting.

The episode begins with Holly being pushed down the staircase in the Great Hall. She screams loudly and Jean Paul and Reverend Matt Dawson come rushing to her aid. While they help her over to the couch, she turns to Matt and accuses him of deliberately pushing her. Jean Paul (who is wearing an unusual but fetching ensemble with a dark blazer and off-white pants) is also suspicious of him, because, according to him, the Reverend was there when she got pushed. Handsome devil Jacques, of course, comments:

An indication that Jacques did it, or just commenting on the situation?

For some reason, Jean Paul doesn’t blame Jacques this time, but instead Matt, who was there (as was Jacques, most likely) and who has the possible motive of revenge for rejecting his romantic advances (not applicable, but Jacques does have the motive of liking murder). Here is the conversation between them and my commentary:

Matt: "Mr. Desmond, I resent your insinuation. Why should I want to harm Holly?" Jean Paul: "Or kill her?" Matt: "You can't be serious." Holly: "Whoever pushed me was." Matt: "But I followed you down here to help you, not to hurt you." Jean Paul: "Or to have her." [Is he implying that he thinks Matt wants to take advantage of her?] Matt: "Are you serious?" Jean Paul: "Your adoration is about as obvious as her pretty face." [And your pretty...everything.]

Matt: *getting pissed at Jean Paul* "I have had about all the insinuations I can take! All right, I do care about her--deeply."

Matt: *to Holly* "Now, can't you believe that I'm the last one who would want to harm you?" Holly: "You're the first, because I don't care for you!"

Jean Paul tells Reverend Stalker to leave Holly alone "or you'll have me to answer to," so the disgruntled padre flounces. But on his way out, he has some accusations of his own:

ROFL at Matt’s delivery of this line.

Matt reveals that he still hasn’t grasped the concept of the detained guest.

So now you believe in demons? What made you change your mind?

The dialogue in this episode so far is heavy with exposition as usual, but it feels different this time. Usually, the exposition takes the form of one character telling another directly about the events and revelations from past episodes, but this time it's structured differently, as a two-way expository dialogue rather than a speech with questions and reactions from the listener. It still doesn't feel entirely natural--it still has the feel of exposition dialogue--but it's a different format.

I should also note that, according to Bryan Gruszka of StrangeParadise.net, the script reveals that neither Matt nor Jacques pushed her. The attacker’s name is a spoiler in spite of the fact that Martin never got to reveal that they were responsible, so I shall link to the Week 6 trivia page here for anyone who is interested.

Jean Paul has a possession headache, but no funny headache faces this time.

Jacques leaves the portrait (which decided to disappear this episode) and mocks Matt for believing in him--which, I should note, is a change from last episode, where the Reverend firmly denied believing in devils and called them superstition. He calls Matt's belief in him "a sad testimony to the belief in which he was schooled"--again, even though Matt actually didn't believe in devils until apparently the beginning of this episode. Already this is a break in continuity, which does not necessarily indicate someone tampering with the established canon, but is suggestive of it nonetheless. Of course, that’s assuming that it isn’t just an error, which it might be. (Remember that Martin can’t decide whether or not Raxl knows Jean Paul is possessed!)

What's with this lighting effect? Did the director decide that Jacques looked too sexy under normal lighting, so they decided to use underlighting to make him look scarier and less hot? Because the effect is not scary. It makes him look like a Muppet, and Muppets are not scary.

Jacques is getting better at impersonating Jean Paul, as evidenced by this deeply ironic part where he comforts Holly. “Have no fear, cherie,” he says, “I will protect you.”

Meanwhile in the Not-So-Hidden Temple, Vangie gives Raxl a bottle of some potion to slip Jean Paul, which she tells her "is not to kill, but to prevent more killing. It is a Conjure brew to free his mind to make it more responsive to mine." This must be what the Lost Episode summaries are referring to! She doesn’t outright state in this scene that she wants Jean Paul to bring her to Maljardin by boat, but she says that’s what she wants in the episode before this one, so anyone who has seen Episode 29 would already know that.

An interesting detail not mentioned on the trivia page: before parting, Vangie asks Raxl, daughter of the Priestess of the Serpent, to pray to her mother.

Vangie teleports/floats back to the main island, which frightens Quito until Raxl assures him that “the Conjure Woman has found her way home.” They leave the temple and begin traveling down the long tunnel back to the crypt. Unbeknownst to them, Reverend Dawson is there, searching the crypt wall for the Not-So-Hidden Door:

Come on, Matt! It’s not at all hard to find!

He finds it and pushes on the door just as Quito starts pulling it open. When Quito grabs him, both of their expressions are priceless:

I can’t decide whose expression is funnier.

“I was not trespassing in your sacred temple, Raxl!” he cries, then insists that he was only down there “to find a means of saving your master.”

“You knew of the temple because I showed you, a man of your-”

“I have not betrayed its sanctity,” he interrupts, even though he was clearly trying to find it so he could search it for the poison. The implication is that, if he visited without Raxl and Quito’s permission, he would betray the temple’s sanctity. He tells her about the missing cyanide, she tells him about the missing conjure doll and silver pin, and then she assures him that neither Jean Paul nor Jacques could have hidden either in the temple because neither know about it.

Up in the Great Hall, THE DEVIL JACQUES ELOI DES MONDES is relaxing pompously when Raxl and Quito enter. He orders Quito to prepare to sail to the main island, which leads Raxl to declare, perhaps over-confidently, “The Conjure Woman got to him even without [the potion]!” This negates the second summary which explicitly indicates the potion as the means of “draw[ing] Jean Paul to [Vangie],” but not the first. Also, what makes Raxl think that this is evidence of Vangie’s influence over him? Apparently Jacques choosing to go to the island out of his own free will isn’t a possibility.

Matt asks if he can return to the main island, but Jacques refuses, declaring that “today is a rather special trip for a lady and myself,” referring to his deliciously evil girlfriend Elizabeth Marshall. The Reverend responds by asking if he trusts her not to reveal the secret of Erica’s death, which Jacques uses as yet another opportunity to make Jean Paul look like a murderer by saying, “There is no one dead here--that I don’t pronounce!” And then he threatens him again:

Someone’s on Jacques’ list of people to kill!

We next see Jacques strutting into the French Leave Café wearing a pair of huge round sunglasses over his eyes. Ironically, the demon who is normally so fond of black clothing has changed into Jean Paul’s off-white suit jacket, although he retains the same red shirt and red-and-black striped tie. I’m thinking that Jacques picked out both outfits and changed before heading out because he just felt like playing dress-up that day. Typical 17th-century fop, just with more modern clothes.

Jacques’ new outfit.

Gold-digger Elizabeth clinging to Jacques as though she’s worried that Vangie will try stealing him from her. Makes me wonder what her 17th-century counterpart’s relationship was to Vangie.

What, no joke about how you “still can’t stand the heat?” I’m shocked!

Even on a date in a public place, he tries to make Jean Paul appear interested in committing murder. He asks Elizabeth how much her daughter’s inheritance is, in case she dies, and then gleefully reminds her of her accident earlier that day!

Back on Maljardin, Quito returns from the main island by himself. While Holly is sipping some of Raxl’s tea (in the literal sense only, unfortunately), he walks up to her holding a shiny stone and offers it to her. She takes it only reluctantly, which reminds me of another Lost Episode summary, this one for Episode 33:

Source: Cleveland Plain Dealer (October 24, 1969).

Quito doesn’t show any signs in this episode of being undead, but he does give Holly a sparkling stone, with little reaction from her. Later in this episode (not in the aired version of Episode 33), Holly gives the stone back to Quito despite his insistence that she keep it, which brings him to tears when he is alone with Raxl towards the end. These events suggest a rewrite more strongly than the original summaries at the top of this page do, because the newspaper summary for Episode 33 clearly indicates that these events were originally slated to happen three episodes later, but moved to this one during rewrites.

What about Quito? It certainly appears that Holly’s won Quito’s heart.

Meanwhile at the French Leave Café, Vangie approaches Jacques and Elizabeth and insists on reading their fortunes, although Elizabeth does not want to hear it. She lays the “King of Scepters” (or, rather, the King of Swords--see the screencap at the beginning of this entry) on their table and Jacques freaks out, enough apparently to de-possess Jean Paul:

Hooray! A headache face!

So did Vangie’s Tarot card make Jacques de-possess him? Or was it something else?

At the end of the episode, Jean Paul invites Vangie to Maljardin himself out of a desire to contact Erica. Much like Jacques’ decision to visit the main island earlier this episode, it comes across as something Jean Paul would decide to do of his own accord, without magical influences. Therefore, I think that we can say that Ian Martin’s original idea for Vangie to use her powers to convince him to take her to the island was indeed scrapped--and that was probably a good thing, because this feels more natural.

The episode ends ominously, with Jean Paul willingly putting everyone’s life on the line to contact Erica’s spirit. Not so different from Jacques wanting to kill everyone.

In conclusion, Episode 30 shows distinct signs of having been rewritten since the release of the Lost Episode summaries. Not only did Vangie’s means of allegedly convincing Jacques to visit the main island and Jean Paul’s motivation for bringing Vangie to Maljardin change, but events originally planned for Episode 33 were moved to this one. There are other minor details that, too, suggest a rewrite: the different mode of exposition and Jacques’ lack of devil/Hell jokes where Martin would have likely inserted them just a week ago. The episode feels different from the earlier Week 6 episodes, but not enough to suggest a new writer.

Coming up next: The last Bad Subtitle Special until the end of Week 8, followed by a review of Episode 31. A mysterious force is tampering with the cryonics capsule, while Alison uncovers even more clues to the mysteries surrounding Erica.

{ <- Previous: Episode 29   ||   Next: Episode 31 -> }

Notes

[1] Fitchburg Sentinel, October 24, 1969.

[2] San Mateo Times, October 17, 1969.

#strange paradise #maljardin arc #ian martin #week 6 #episode 30 #review #extra long corona edition #analysis #continuity errors #costumes #evil makeover #headache faces #holly/quito #irony #jacques/elizabeth #lost episode summaries #maljardin blog #the not so hidden voodoo temple #tarot #unexplained plot point #a big thank you to curt for sending me all the lost episode synopses #they have been very helpful in my research

[kekekentyuh]

10 Things You Should Know About Me

I’m almost twenty, which means by now I should’ve had two decades worth of experiences up my sleeve to keep myself together if I’m going to let my future career – and there’s a distraught, painful knock on wood here  –  get the best of me. But unfortunately (well, for me, not you) my life isn’t all that great; I’ve probably had the most normal, unexciting yet pretty privileged life an Asian kid could’ve had. The only thing that ever happened in my life that’s worth batting an eyelash for is the fact that in my whole existence, from the moment my mother shit me out on the delivery table to the very moment I’m sitting in front of my computer trying to figure out why my walk feels funny (because it feels like it is; I’m not crazy), I’ve never broken a single bone in my body, and if that amazes you, honey, it’s true. Believe me, I don’t even go out that much or move my body that often for that to happen. 

And I know what you’re thinking: no, I have no plans of doing any sports, and yes, I do exercise and work out. Stop making me feel bad.

Nevertheless, I thought it would be a nice to tell you a few things about myself as a way to kick things off in this blog. It’s also a better way of introducing myself to all of you, without having to shit on myself the way I usually do when I talk about myself – because, let’s face it, there’s literally no other way to talk about yourself without sounding like you’re bragging about your uneventful life, am I right – as I would want to be as authentic as I can be here, so you'd know that it's really me talking.

With all that said, hey! My name is Kent, and here are ten things you should know about me:

1. I grew up in the province.

If you've read a few of my first posts, or if you know me personally, this shouldn't come as a big surprise to you. I was born and raised in the province of Camarines Sur in the Bicol Region here in the Philippines, where my family has been living even before I came into the picture, and I love every single thing about it. My house is located in an entirely suburban neighborhood, a fair distance away from bustling city life here in the province, so I’ve had a very normal, conventional upbringing. I spent my childhood playing on the streets and finding my way around the neighborhood like all the other kids my age. I even spent my high school years there, opting only to go to Manila for college. Before college, I’ve only been to Manila twice in my life, as it is twelve hours away from where I live and it’s hard to travel with that kind of setup (not to mention expensive), and I didn’t even know my way around the place until about two to three weeks into the academic year, so naturally, as you would have expected, highly-urban city life came as a surprise to me, but I’ll talk about that for some other time. 

To keep things simple, I’m a proud probinsyano and proud bikolano – oragon (great) in every single fucking way. I’ve come to love the busy hustle of living a life in Manila, since it makes me feel all mature and adult-y, forcing me to take more responsibility to get the things I want and need there, but hailing from the province is a huge chunk of my life, and not once did I ever even think of forgetting where I came from. 

2. I was named after Superman.

It’s true, and I know my parents could vouch for me on this one. My dad, who was pretty much still in his late twenties when I was born, was the one who chose the name, mostly because he admired Superman, named Clark Kent, and wanted me to have a name that meant how heroic I was to the both of them. And it's naturally very flattering; Superman is a very well-known superhero, an icon of modern pop culture and a symbol of strength and heroism in the world, which is something that I live by, so it's nice to have a fine, unique name that the person beside you at the bus would have very little chance of also having.

And, well, at least that's what I thought it all was about; My dad told me a bit recently that both of them had decided to name me 'Kent' not only after Superman, but because the baby beside me in the nursery was named – you guessed it – Clark. My name does sound original, but it certainly didn’t pop up suddenly like a pimple.

So, if you’re a guy named Clark, born somewhere around the middle of the year, whoever you are, let’s go out for coffee sometime – I have a lot to talk to you about. 

3. I come from a family of lawyers.

If you’re intimidated by this fact, just think about how I feel. My father’s side, the Torrecampos, has more lawyers than what I’ve kept tabs on, spanning three generations in total. A career in law is somewhat of a staple in his side of the family, with my dad, who has a Bachelor’s degree in Law, and my mom, hoping to become the next addition to the family’s long line of lawyers; and then of course, there’s me, hoping to be this generation’s first, if all odds and circumstances point to that direction. 

My whole life has happened around grounds that had something to do with law; in fact, I spent a lot of my childhood in a courthouse, since my dad worked in a Trial Court since I was little, and most of the time had the unfortunate pleasure of bringing me to work with him since no one was home to look after me and I was a complete handful (handful is even an understatement; I was an assful). But turns out, all those times – scribbling at the back of scratched legal documents, poking around drawers and dusty cabinets of files and decisions, even playing around the judge’s swiveling chair and garnering the courage every two hours to pound his gavel – would mold me into who I am today: an argumentative, critical thinker, with an undying passion to serve his people.

4. I’ve been a scholar of the nation since high school.

Yes, you heard that right: I am being educated to serve my country. I finished high school in my region’s Philippine Science High School, considered by many as a highly-reputable high school in the Philippines (of which I got lucky). Now, in college, I go to the University of the Philippines in Manila, my dream school, which is a great deal for me (of which I also got lucky). Not to brag, however; I usually refrain from saying all of this out loud, mostly because it sounds like I’m trying to take myself up and speak very highly of myself, when all I literally do is mention the names of where I went to school. Saying these names give us so much awkward attention, because of the regard people give these schools, but they’re just like any other school – they have their ups and downs. 

It doesn’t mean that I’m ashamed, though, because the main reason I’ve chosen to enter these schools is to stand with my people, to give back all they have given for my education and serve them with all the capacity I possess, and these schools have become training grounds for me to do my duty in the best way possible. The people have given me a great educational experience and the best years of my life, and there will come a time when I will give them back what they’re due – the duty of being an iskolar ng bayan.

5. I’m 100% Cancer as fuck.

I was born on July 21st, which is one day before Cancer season ends. And even so, I still identify as a hundred percent Cancer, for all the reasons that come with being one. Cancers are more or less always stereotyped for things that may or may not include emotions; we’re always seen as vengeful and overly sensitive, which isn’t true all the time, but perhaps we get the most shit for our moodiness and our tendencies to become very emotional, which, I’m not going to lie, is very true in my case; I’ve thought of doing some pretty bad shit in the past because of my intense emotions, and it’s bad, and they’re only in my head. Astrologers say this is because our emotions are connected to the phases of the moon – Cancer being the moon sign – which causes our moods to drop or rise so quickly, making us spiteful and introverted. So, bottom line, blame the moon, guys; no Cancer’s to blame here.

But the best thing about being a Cancer is the emotional connection we form with the people around us. We’re known for wearing our hearts up our sleeves, and thrive on forming special connections with the people we love. Cancers are loyal and protective to the people close to their heart, caring for everyone around them, and – what I consider a special skill of being born with the sign – good at reading a person’s emotions, which is something I pride myself in doing well. And everything rings true in my case; my family and friends are the most important thing in my life, and the relationships I form with the people around me are special connections I want to keep forever. If that doesn’t sound Cancer as fuck, I don’t know what does.

6. I am terribly inactive....

I know what you’re thinking, and stop right now. Don’t start nagging me in your mind; I’m not entirely lazy and sluggish. Sure, I have the tendency to procrastinate when doing tasks and hate working when I have time off and absolutely hate when I’m being made to move when I don’t want to, but I am definitely not entirely inactive. Maybe just a little bit.

Sports have never been for me ever since I was young. I’ve tried a lot of things when I was a kid – I’ve played tennis, badminton, volleyball, even dabbled in a bit of basketball and table tennis and frisbee, and the only takeaway I ever got from any of them (which I have tried out, mind you, for about a month max because reasons) is I suck at all of them. My mind, which functions at about half the time it takes a snail to cover a perpendicular road, and my body, which is not entirely sluggish (just a little bit) just isn’t built for sports. It’s not that I don’t enjoy them – I love a good competition and I rack my ass up every time to do well – but I just don’t get better even though I try to, and I give up too easily before I see any improvement in myself (I know it’s sad so just get off my back here and stop judging me with your eyes) so, I do what any Cancer would do in a situation like such: give up entirely and wallow in the pain of rejection. 

All I’m saying is I’d prefer to chill and relax, like read or write or watch something fun, than to tire myself out willingly. I’d prefer it anytime.

7. ...but I love dancing.

Dancing is the only thing I’d move my body for in any given day. I wouldn’t call myself a professional dancer, but I have been doing it since I was a little kid, and it’s one of the few things in my life that has stayed constantly with me throught everything and one of the passions I can’t let go. I started out with simple stage performances in school, where I discovered that I had a knack for performing, because every minute onstage for me was a delight, a feeling of exhilaration and excitement surging through my body as I moved, and I loved it. I eventually digressed into various genres, learning new ways as time progressed, like precise ones like ballroom dancing and more modern styles like hip-hop. It was probably the only physical activity that came naturally to me; the adrenaline gave me life and happiness, and it was the best feeling I could ever imagine.

The best thing I feel about dancing is how much of an art form it is. Dancing to me is more than just a physical means to move, but a way to express, to release, and to transform.  It gives me confidence, personality and happiness, and I couldn’t have asked for more. Dance is never the same for every instance, so there’s always something for me to look forward to, and allows me to show and discover myself in ways I never could. It allows me to tell a different story every time; the message I deliver when I’m on the stage music to the beat of music is much more important to me, because it’s so much like sharing who you are and what you are made of  – and it’s the same as staring into the heart and soul of a person.

8. I’m an avid fan of Musical Theater.

Seeing as how I’ve established my love of performing, this is literally the manifestation in my mind; musical theater is and forever will be, to me, a great and powerful art of performance. I’ve been obsessing over so many musicals since I was young, and a lot of the music I’ve heard from them I brought through my teen years, as I was discovering this love of performing. The first movie musical I ever saw  – in its full glory and heavenliness – was Singin’ in the Rain, and something in Debbie Reynolds repeatedly singing wishing me good morning and Gene Kelly literally dancing in the rain must have clicked with me, and then I fell. I just started watching them one after the other, and then finally, I knew it – I was in love. I have never seen a musical live – the thought of seeing one live is absolutely breathtaking; I’m getting dizzy just thinking about it – but I dream of seeing one; to star in one is another weird and impossible question. The world of musical theater has sucked me in and I can’t get out: the outstanding talent, beautiful choreography, the breathtaking art that is costume design and the perfection that is stage production, it all means a lot to me.

I’m planning on making a post detailing every inch of my love for theater and the Broadway stage and every single aspect of technicality and humanity that goes into a performance, so I’ll make sure to keep you posted on that. 

9. I dream of becoming a writer.

Writing has been a vital part of my life – if I had a peso for all the unfinished chapters of stories I’ve scribbled on the backs of used paper, I’d be the richest kid in the world – and to become a journalist or a writer is to seal the deal. Growing up, I’ve always regarded reporters like Ted Failon and Karen Davila with so much respect, because to me, I couldn’t think of any nobler profession (one that was within my means, at least). I’ve dreamed of the world seeing my writings and being known for the power my words behold, and being regarded of telling one of the best stories of all time. The job of information dissemination and bringing stories to people in all corners of this elliptical world in various and endless forms of media fascinates me, and I’ve always let my mind roam to wonder, What if I could do that?

And I try, because a dream will only be a dream unless you do something about it, right? Becoming a student journalist in high school was a big step for me, being exposed to the world of journalism and being baked along with the nation’s finest. But, as with many other things, I have a long, long way to go, and it’s a path I’m more than willing to take any time of any day.

10. My love for Biology has brought me to pursue it.

Biology is as close to my heart as any other thing I am passionate about, and if you know me personally, I am probably the last person you'd think of pursuing a career in the scientific field. And in a way, it is true; I excel more in the humanities subjects I take, and these are areas that I naturally find more interesting — and not to mention, easier — than my courses in science. But I find it hard to let go of it; somehow, science, to me, makes a lot more sense. Biology allows me to see things that are beyond my level of sight, and know more than what I know every single minute that passes. It allows to me to see behind every detail and to reason why various things are the way they are, and coerces me to think and analyze my way into a solution. Biology is birds-eye view of the world, and allows me to acknowledge that everything around is breathing in the same manner we do, and exists in the same environment that we do, because we’re all connected. Biology, to me, is a great big world that’s constantly evolving, leaving more room for knowledge. Logic and reasoning might not be entirely my strongest points, but they’re steps I’m willing to take to expand my knowledge of what’s around me.

That was probably some of the most ordinary life facts someone can have, but, like I said, I don’t go out much, and that’s probably the whole reason why my life is entirely uneventful. Wasn’t too good a delight for me either, don’t worry — if you’re anything like me, talking about yourself isn’t as easy as it looks. It feels weird to open up a personal blog without talking about yourself, since it is, I’m guessing, a huge pet peeve of mine, but at least you know me now – better than you previously did. But I promise you, you’ll learn more about me as I post my experiences and thoughts in this blog. 

What about you, my dear readers? Tell me a fact about you that I need to know, and I’ll make sure to read it right away. And cheers to my first blog post! Well, it’s not technically my first, but it’s the first I’m going to count anyway, so shit is gucci! This is hopefully the start of something new and beautiful, and I hope this continues for a very long time.  

Thanks for taking the time to read this! If you want to talk to me, follow me or reach me on my socials here. I hope everyone is safe during this horrible time – let’s all do our part by staying inside and sanitizing and keeping our areas as clean as they can be. We’re in this all together!  I’ll see you all very, very soon!

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#10 #things #you #should #know #about #me #10 things you should know about me #facts #personal #life #hacking #hacking through life #blog #blog post #first blog post #first #words #write #essay #writing

[televinita]

kateschechterxthorwasmyfirstotp replied to post: If you did not watch the last episode, they kind of righted that wrong...

Eh...I read what they tried, but I deemed it Not Good Enough. That was a pretty fundamental betrayal of my deepest shipping principles and too many years apart for me to ever feel okay about them again.

#I have been trying to coherently explain it for like 20 minute and I keep getting bogged down in anger and sadness at the memories so tl;dr: no

EDIT: actually you know what, I am gonna explain it, via copy-pasting the long ass 4-part blog post I made about it the night it aired (I didn’t watch because I was behind on the season, but I hung out in the Tumblr tag and read live reactions), which incidentally was the night after we put my dog to sleep so those two Sadness Memories are wrapped around each other. I always meant to post at least part of it to Tumblr and I regret not doing that.

February 2013

Wednesday: Unedited Ranty Version LOL NOPE BYE. Literally just...not accepting this. Never watching the episode, done with future episodes, the show can just stop here. Unlike with Glee, I am above this. I don't feel it hard enough to be canon, and god, I am so much better for it. Sucks for all the fans who can't just handwave it and decide not to believe. I'm not even going to bother repeating all my Kurt/Blaine rage from last fall, because Sara and Grissom met late enough in life that they aren't in quite the same category of fairytale romance, even if they are soulmates, but -- my anger about relationships losing their magic if you break up in the middle and see other people after finally getting together? So very applicable. (Honestly, show, what happened to them having a marriage that worked for them and no one else needed to understand? Why couldn't you just leave that alone? Why did you have to pick? There was no reason to pick. No picking! /nasally Seinfeld voice.) I'm kind of sorry they already lost their spot in the Top Five All-Time OTPs Kingdom to Kurt and Blaine, because I would have really enjoyed kicking them the fuck out tonight. If I believed this were happening. Which I realized, 5 seconds after writing the above, that I am not. Goodbye, and good luck. Thursday morning (a.k.a. just kidding I’m still mad as hell and back to yell) I like how they keep talking about "implications into next year" and how the story will continue. No, it won't. You've separated them before, a fact I had forgotten about because I refused to watch 9x05 and it was clearly just a pause button on the way to spinny-camera grand reunion kissing as opposed to a real breakup, but there's no way to fix this now. There is no more to the story; you don't get to tell a story after this. Glee already proved to me that there is no way to make a worthwhile arc out of a vile bomb drop. Although I am kind of sorry that this relationship could actually have withstood cheating and it would have been easier to swallow than divorce. Maybe because it still feels like cheating. You're meant to be with someone, you can't have extracurricular people! I have some unfinished business with those first 7 episodes of season 13, and I'm not sure what to do with that -- they were great and I hate to leave them unwritten about, but if I go back there is a slim chance it will get devious like Grey's Anatomy and suck me back in underhandedly, and I'd rather spite myself than give it that opening. So I'm not totally sure if this is the end. But it sure has that really certain Bones Episode #100 level sense of THIS IS UNFORGIVABLE. GAME OVER. Thursday night Reading other people's opinions is always a dumb way to go, because instead of saying my piece and being done, now I'm riled up and feel like I need to FORCE people to understand something they just don't seem to be getting, whether they're being practical and pragmatic or writhing about it in "but they were my first real ship!" angst. (as if they are only a ship, instead of so much more) The thing is, this isn't just a dumb writing choice you can complain about. This isn't even about whether it's in character or not. It is literally. Not. An option. Some couples just aren't allowed to break up. A UST couple that takes more than 5 years to get together is one of them. And once they get married, that's absolutely it. A victory for permanent commitment and contentment. There's no divorce in good storytelling, there are no separations. That lazy nonsense is reserved for books, movies, and silly soap opera types like Grey's Anatomy. Couples like Grissom and Sara, they are foundations. Institutions. When you want to change the look of your house or test out something new, you work with the existing structure. You don't knock it down and build it back up from the floorboards. To be fair, I was always upset by the "long distance marriage" - there was no reason for it; there was never a reason Grissom couldn't be off screen right here in Vegas, teaching at a local university or simply pursuing his own research supplemented with travel when necessary. The longer it went on, the less happy I felt. But since they told us it worked, I put up with it for the joy of having Jorja Fox back on my screen. I see now that was a mistake, and the only way to keep them safe was to push them away. The point is: TPTB broke television law. I can't judge this like other shows as a good or bad direction for the characters, or wonder how it will affect Sara in the upcoming episodes, because they are untouchable. It's honestly laughable that anyone thought it was okay to even try this. Can you imagine if the second X-Files movie followed through on its misdirection and went "lol yeah Mulder and Scully haven't seen each other in 5 years"? I

[2017 edit: FYI I have not stopped being angry about the bitter irony of this comment since the revival spoilers hit.]

If you need more universal examples, that's like tuning in to find out the Brady Bunch has split back up into two separate households, or Disney is going to experiment with a new movie where Minnie elopes with Goofy.

You don't get to pretend you're setting up for a season or two-season arc. This isn't an arc. This is a slash and burn project. Let's pretend, for a minute, that this is planned as an emotionally complex journey that will force them to examine what they mean to each other and get them back together, Costa Rica style, in next year's season finale. Do you think that would be worth it? Do you think the struggle to get there will make the ultimate conclusion heartwarming, fill you with elation as you see them beat all the odds? It will not. It will be long tainted by then, a sour coda to an unfixable mess, because what you had wasn't important enough to preserve. You can't ever get back to what you were, and it's already too late. That is the best case scenario. There are no character motivations to explore. There is nothing to dig into. A death warrant was signed and went up as effectively as a brick wall in stopping the development of this relationship in its tracks. Televinita out. #breakingupwithCSI #I reject your canon and substitute my own Thursday: Post-Essay Messiness Oops. Reading my old reviews because I can't remember GSR's chronology off the top of my head, and...there is no way I'm letting anyone use this as justification for being in character, but this conversation does seem sort of relevant all over again. "Sooner or later a relationship in stasis withers. You get angry. You need more than the safety of knowing that you're not alone." "Then he should've just walked away." "Well, maybe he couldn't. Maybe he needed her to leave him." Apparently I also got kind of angry in the early part of season 9 when Sara left again, and may have threatened to break up with this show at that time? *chagrined look* But 2008 Me seems to have still accepted this as a possible, if highly undesirable, turn for the couple. What changed? And am I crazy, or is it possible to decide neither of the times Sara left were actual breakups as opposed to pause buttons? Oh, that's right. What changed is they got married. I repeat, when it comes to long-running couples on TV, wedding bands are as much a promise to the audience as they are to the people involved. You put a ring on it after proper courtship, that's a universally accepted sign for "you win: permanent freedom from being jerked around for Drama/Conflict/ratings."

#csi related #they were in fact one of my first major ships so I am...Defensive #what is chill #rage triggers are real and they're spectacular

[invisibleabuse]

Awake

I realized recently, when discussing blogging with a friend, that I have not updated this in quite some time. To be honest, it is for the best of reasons.

I finally got out of the relationship that has caused me so much pain over the last 7.5-8 years. The whole story is remarkable, to be honest, and I have changed dramatically since. People I know well, and people I know casually - all of them keep asking me why I seem different. The truth is that I’m free now. I’m happy. I feel unencumbered.

At the beginning of 2017, I officially hit the point where I knew that I wanted to be free from my relationship. I didn’t know how to leave, though, and felt so much guilt because despite his cruelty and anger, I knew he depended on me. I knew that much of his shortcomings probably stemmed from unprocessed issues with his self-worth and perceived lack of control over his life. I knew it would break him if I left, and with him genuinely trying to do better for me, I felt it would be unfair to leave. I stayed a few more months, each day more confusing than the previous: should I stay? Should I go? I’m not happy with him, but he needs me. I am still afraid of him, but he is trying to control his temper and hasn’t yelled at me quite like he used to. I still feel shame and guilt surrounding my body and sexuality, but he tries to make sure it is better for me now, unlike in our past.

To be brief (the full story will require a lot more time than I have at present), I had a conversation with someone who knows me very, very well. This person can read me better than my own mother, and oddly knows exactly what I need to hear, always. While speaking with him, I became fully aware of my feelings for the first time in years. After years of confusion and wondering if I should leave because I was unhappy, or stay because we were both “truly working on it,” I felt confident. I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that I wanted to leave. In that moment, all the fear, self-doubt, and inadequacies fell away. I knew I would be fine, and that I would be happy and safe. I ended it that day.After several months to look back on this, I am shocked at myself. It’s like I grew 5 spiritual levels over my whole life, then grew 10 in a week. I came into myself fully, and felt so aware of who I am, who I want to be.

My family and friends all waited for me to fall apart. Everyone asked if I was ok, offered hugs, flowers, and invitations for nights out with the girls. I haven’t cried once. It’s like I did all of my crying in the relationship, and now that I’m free, it feels.....unnecessary. The most amazing thing is that the emotional baggage I’ve been carrying for all these years is gone. All the self-hatred, fear, doubt, confusion, and general depression is gone. I feel in control of my life, and I feel safe and happy. I know who I am now, and I’m too strong to be broken by someone like him. He is still bothering me (I may literally need to get a restraining order since he won’t let me go, and has even followed me), but I feel carefree. He keeps asking me to again explain why our relationship had to end even though we both were working on it. I keep telling him that I finally realized that my happiness matters, and that we can’t be what we need for each other. It would only doom us to a life of boredom, and fear and resentment on my end, and irritation and anger on his. The thing that is bizarre is that all of the things that hurt me the most are just gone. I remember all of them, but feel no emotion for them. Before you tell me that is unhealthy, let me be clear - it’s not that I don’t allow myself to feel it. It’s like all of it was processed, faced head on, and then left to perish, far away from myself. The things that used to eat at me are gone. There were so many things he said that would ricochet around in my head when I felt down. So many things he did to me that made me feel shame and fear. They were things that I only told my very closest friend. I’d sob and tell her about them, ashamed and embarrassed, certain anyone who knew would hate me. I was afraid that I could never rebuild what I had lost.

Well, now I can honestly say that any stranger in the world could ask me to tell them the cruelest words ever spoken to me, and I could tell them with no fear, no trepidation, no sadness. I could tell anyone my most painful moments, and not feel it emotionally. I let it all go, and feel free and unburdened.

So here it is, everyone: my former most limiting stories and moments; the things that held me captive for fear of surviving while carrying them; imprisoned by my fear of living with the weight I felt.

1. Once my ex got angry at me for forgetting to bring a coupon, and grabbed my by the throat and started choking me, while my family watched on. Not wanting my family to be as afraid as I was, I tried to pretend this was a joke. I forced myself to fake laugh and pretend it was all a game, too afraid of my family knowing that the man I was giving myself to was literally choking me for forgetting a 2 for 1 coupon to the movies.

2. All of the hateful things said about my body (see previous posts for more on that): my small breasts, fat stomach and thighs, large butt, frizzy hair, large hands, etc. I was so afraid that anyone who saw me would see what he saw. Now I know that no one will, because what he saw was a reflection of his own negativity and inadequacies.

3. The time that I bought my own engagement ring, but had to tell everyone that he did.

4. The lowest moment of my life, when I hit the brink of insanity. After a night of arguing, and me trying to reassure him that no one broke in the house, and he had only been dreaming, he started to tell me that he heard police in his house. I told him that wasn’t real, but he couldn’t be convinced. He kept telling me what a stupid bitch I was being, and that I should respect him and believe him, etc, and I snapped. I grabbed his Sigg Sauer .45 hand gun and held it to my head, screaming and crying that I would kill myself, and then telling him that if cops were in his house, they would be storming his bedroom. He couldn’t be convinced, and I spent 5 minutes holding a loaded gun to my head, wondering if life would be better if I just did it. This started as an attempt to reassure him, but it also made me feel in control of my life for the first time in years. As our relationship got darker and more controlling, I glamorized suicide. It wasn’t that suicide seemed like a good idea - I knew it would hurt my family - it was that it seemed like my only avenue away from him. I would look at our medicine cabinet, and consider what I could take that would do the trick. I eyed the steak knives and considered what it would feel like to saw into my flesh, and then watch the blood pool around me as I waited to finally be free. I don’t know what held me back, but I’m grateful for whatever it was.

5. The time he bent me over and shoved himself into me, with no warning or foreplay, and slammed fully into my cervix. I doubled over, crying, grasping my midsection and sobbing, trying to get the cramping to subside. He stood there, stroking his penis, looking down at me, and said, “I know you won’t like this, but I’m so incredibly turned on right now.....you’re only making me more hard.”

6. The countless times he would tell me how much he hated my family and friends, all good people who were kind to me (and even him, my abuser). I would try to defend them, but he would cut me off and make me listen to him tear them apart for whatever odd thing they did that he disliked. Most of these people fell out of my life because he wouldn’t allow me to see them. I’m rebuilding now.

7. The many times I would anger him to the point when he wanted to beat me, but knew it would be impossible to hide. He would sit me down in front of his punching bag, and I would watch while he flew into a blind rage, punching, kicking, screaming, yelling about me being an ungrateful bitch. I would cry and know that he was showing me what he wanted to do to me, if only there were no consequences.

That is the bulk of it. What is amazing to me is that none of it holds me back now. My life is my own creation, and I’m creating a life that fulfills me. I’m happy; I’m free; I’m awake. I’m living intentionally now, and no longer believe that things happen “to me.” Now I know that things only happen around me, and I live and grow and learn and love in spite of the things outside of my control.Life is too short to be anything but free. If you want to reach out to me, you can. I am here for anyone who is still trying to break free. Life doesn’t have to be miserable and controlled. It is meant to be freeing, memorable, unencumbered, and earth-shattering. Live intentionally. A friend of mine told me to repeat this to myself whenever I need to be reminded that I create my life, and I am in control of myself and my happiness: “I am the I am, and I choose. I only choose things for my highest good.” Call me cheesy, call me naive - I don’t care. This is the life I was meant to live, and I will love it deeply.

#free #bebrave #brave #Survivor #domestic violence #abuse #abusive relationship #invisible abuse #emotional abuse #live intentionally #awake #awakening #awake the soul #be free #take chances #take risks

[phosphorescent-naidheachd]

So I am woefully behind on my dash and thus all The Best Blogs such as your own, but please tell me: What were your thoughts about Twin Suns? Please feel free to refer me to a post if you already made one.

*blushes* Thank you! And sorry for taking so long to reply to this! Apparently I had even more thoughts on “Twin Suns” than I’d initially thought.

Rebels 3x20: “Twin Suns” has its weaknesses, but I really enjoyed it overall. As you may be aware, I’m a fan of Obi-Wan (yes, yes, I know, ~shock~), so I spent pretty much the entire time I watched the episode clapping my hands in glee (albeit softly, so as not to drown out what was happening) because Obi-Wan was on my screen again. I mean, you’re talking to the person who gets excited every time canon makes the slightest of oblique references to him, so…¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I’ve also always been All About Those Parallels™ and this episode abounds with them. The most obvious, of course, are the ones that mirror Qui-Gon’s death sequence in TPM, and I found this fitting for several reasons. First and foremost, I love it because it brings Maul and Obi-Wan’s story full circle. By setting their fight amidst the desolate sand dunes of Tatooine, Obi-Wan and Maul meet for the last time where the audience met Maul for the first time – something which the show explicitly underlines in 3x10: “Visions and Voices: “it ends where it begun… a desert planet… with twin suns”. (In fact, for all we know, the setting of Obi-Wan and Maul’s final encounter might even be somewhere in the Xelric Draw, which, according to Legends canon, is where Qui-Gon and Maul first met and fought. If you look at this map, you’ll notice that the Xelric Draw covers a wide swath of the space between Obi-Wan’s hut and Mos Espa, so it’s not improbable that Obi-Wan might travel there by dewback.)

In contrast to our introduction to Maul, however, which took place under the heat of a midday sun, our last glimpse of him takes place at night under the stars; Obi-Wan and Maul are at the end of their journey together and so – ostensibly, anyway! – are Maul and the audience.

Just as day and night contrast, so too do Obi-Wan and Maul, both when compared to their younger selves and when compared to each other. Both characters have gone through enumerable events in the three decades since they first met one another, all of which have shaped them… but at the end of the day, Obi-Wan has grown and changed in a way that Maul hasn’t. One of the first things Maul says in TPM is the following: ”At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi. At last we will have revenge.“ And at the end of “Twin Suns”, his last line is “He…will…avenge us.”

For all that Maul scolded Ezra about refusing to break free from the chains of his past in “Visions and Voices”, Maul is still focused on revenge – still focused on Obi-Wan; in the end, it’s all he has left to give his life purpose. Obi-Wan, on the other hand, has moved on from their grudge match and is focused on the future – on Luke. He is no longer the hot-headed padawan or the crusading knight that Maul knew; he is a guardian, and thus it is only when Luke is threatened that Obi-Wan deigns to fights Maul. Luke is, after all, Obi-Wan’s sole remaining tie to Anakin, his sole remaining purpose for existing… and seemingly his sole remaining hope for a better future.

At the same time, however, the two characters have a great deal in common. Obi-Wan and Maul have always been foils to one another. Both are Force Sensitive children who were taken and raised by their respective Orders, thus setting their feet on the paths to their respective destinies. Both had brothers that were destroyed by Sidious’ machinations and both are deeply lonely as a result. Now, both are relics of a past that has already passed into legend for most of the galaxy; they are old men who have no place in this new world – this new Empire – and have consequently been hiding in exile for the past seventeen years. Obi-Wan has long been aware that they have some commonalities (see some of his comments in TCW 5x16: “The Lawless”) and I think Maul is aware too… he just refuses to acknowledge as much until he’s dying. (Honestly, I’ve always gotten the impression that he’s subconsciously a bit jealous of Obi-Wan and that that is one of the roots of his resentment towards him, but that’s a conversation for another day.)

“He…will…avenge us,” Maul says with his dying breath. Us. Although they belong to very different traditions and have made very different choices, Maul tacitly acknowledges that at the end of the day, they both belong to a way that has vanished, and that this experience bonds them together. It is my personal opinion that both men are tired of fighting by this point – it’s simply that Maul doesn’t know any other way. He seeks out Obi-Wan because it gives his life renewed purpose, and he fights Obi-Wan because that is what he has always done. No matter which of them wins the fight, Maul gets what he wants – either the defeat of his nemesis or a release from his own suffering.  

In a sense, Maul has been occupying a liminal space between life and death ever since Obi-Wan cut him in half in TPM. When we first re-meet him in TCW 4x21: “Brothers”, Maul is emaciated and utterly deranged. As TCW progresses, Maul regains some of his sanity and ambition – and his brother! – only to lose them again. At this point in Rebels, just as when Oppress first found him in TCW, Maul has lost all sense of self and purpose, his own spite and a burning desire for revenge against Obi-Wan (and Sidious) the only things keeping him alive. He lacks hope.

Fortunately for Maul, Obi-Wan is heavily associated with hope in Star Wars; does “Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope” ring any bells? ;-)  That said, Obi-Wan is associated with sorrow as much as he is with hope. Perhaps nowhere is this peculiar combination encapsulated as well as in that oft-quoted excerpt from James Luceno’s Legends novel, Labyrinth of Evil: “And you, Master. What does your heart tell you you’re meant for?”“Infinite sadness,” Obi-Wan said, even while smiling.”

We see this theme repeatedly play out in Rebels. The two most blatant examples of Obi-Wan being linked with sorrow are when Maul uses Ezra’s suffering to lure Obi-Wan out of hiding (“Your pain, your sorrow… it calls to him”) and portions of Obi-Wan’s holocron message (“I regret to report that both our Jedi Order and the Republic have fallen, with a dark shadow of the Empire rising to take their place […] Do not return to the Temple…that time has passed.”). Meanwhile, Obi-Wan repeatedly acts as an embodiment of hope for at least three of our main characters: Kanan (“This message is a warning and a reminder for any surviving Jedi. Trust in The Force […] we must persevere. And in time, a new hope will emerge. May the Force be with you, always.”), Maul (“As for myself, I seek something much simpler, yet equally elusive… Hope. […] I see him! […] He lives!”), and Ezra (“The answer to my question of how to destroy the Sith is Obi-Wan Kenobi.”).

Obi-Wan’s sorrow and hope both come to the forefront during his brief appearance in this episode. Maul’s unnecessary death is tragic in and of itself to Obi-Wan, but the way in which it mirrors Qui-Gon’s death and the fight that preceded it only adds to the pain he feels. And although he undoubtedly has hope for Ezra and the Rebellion after safely seeing the boy off (just look at the faint smile on his face before Maul starts to speak again), there’s something incredibly sad about his parting words to Ezra: “That is your way out. Your way home.” Obi-Wan can’t go home anymore – his home no longer exists. Yet still he clings to hope.

“Look what I have risen above,” Obi-Wan says in response to Maul’s taunting. And that’s Obi-Wan in a nutshell, isn’t it? He’s far from perfect, but despite all the blows life has dealt him, he perseveres and continues to choose the Light. In their previous confrontation in “The Lawless”, he told Maul, “You can kill me, but you will never destroy me”, and this holds true throughout Obi-Wan’s life and beyond. Obi-Wan is sorrow, yes, but he is also hope – and although hope can be shattered, it rises anew from the wreckage each time, a phoenix from the ashes. And hope is indeed “more powerful than you can possibly imagine”.

A related recurring Star Wars theme found in “Twin Suns” is that ‘it’s always darkest before dawn’. It is only after Ezra has given up on finding Obi-Wan, collapsing of heatstroke/dehydration/exhaustion next to a powered-down Chopper, that he achieves his objective. Although Maul dies, he does so with a glimmer of hope that the “Chosen One” will balance the cosmic scales. One might even call it a new hope. ;-) Meanwhile, we literally see this theme played out at the end of the episode, with the dark night fading away into pale morning mist, Tatooine’s twin suns hanging partway up in the sky as Beru calls for Luke (presumably to come back in for breakfast?), the titular new hope.

Speaking of the Chosen One… Ughhh, I’ve hated that prophecy ever since it first popped up in TPM. Can I believe that several key individuals in-universe bought into said prophecy? Absolutely. But honestly, “bring balance to the Force”? I know prophecies are always vague and therefore can be interpreted twelve thousand different ways, but come on. This ties into Star Wars’ problem where it can’t quite make up its mind as to what the Force is, let alone what the Light and Dark sides of it mean or what “balance” would look like. One could argue that we’re not supposed to understand it any more than the characters do – all of whom having differing beliefs on the subject – but I personally think it’s sloppy storytelling rather than an artistic choice. I guess we’ll have to wait and see if TLJ clears any of this up.

…But I’ve gotten off-topic here. The Chosen One. *sighs* Up until TCW’s Mortis arc, I was happy to believe that the prophecy was only true insofar as characters’ perceptions of and reactions to it, but TCW more or less put paid to that when it had literal manifestations of the Force declare Anakin the Chosen One. I can still headcanon my way around that, but I’m pretty sure the canonical intention is for the prophecy to be a legitimate thing. So, working from that interpretation…

I know there’s been a lot of debate post “Twin Suns” about the implications of Obi-Wan’s statement that Luke is the Chosen One – does this mean that Anakin was never the Chosen One in the first place? does this mean that there’s more than one Chosen One? – but I think a lot of viewers are overlooking the simplest explanation, which is that although Obi-Wan may believe that Luke could be the Chosen One, it doesn’t necessarily follow that he is the Chosen One.

Obi-Wan canonically places a great deal of hope – and pressure! – on Luke’s shoulders throughout the Original Trilogy, so a belief that Luke is the Chosen One would dovetail nicely with that behavior. For instance, with that belief in mind, his comment to Luke in RotJ takes on a new meaning: “Then the Emperor has already won. You were our only hope”. This complete and utter focus on Luke to the exclusion of Leia would make a bit more sense if Obi-Wan sincerely believes that Luke is the true Chosen One. (Though that still doesn’t answer the question why Obi-Wan would think Luke must be the Chosen One rather than Leia. *rolls eyes*) Moreover, it is makes sense that Obi-Wan would no longer believe that Anakin/Vader is the Chosen One. By the time we reach the Original Trilogy, Obi-Wan appears to have given up on Anakin. In his mind, the moment that “the good man who was” Anakin turned to the Dark Side, Darth Vader “betrayed and murdered” him. In Obi-Wan’s mind, submerging the galaxy into darkness is incompatible with bringing “balance to the Force” a la the Chosen One prophecy; therefore, Anakin either lost his status as the Chosen One when he became a Sith or he was never truly the Chosen One to begin with.

Another possibility is that Obi-Wan, master of “half-truths and hyperbole” as he is, is merely trying to give a dying Maul some form of comfort and hope. After all, he never outright says that Luke is the Chosen One – his reply of “he is” in answer to Maul’s question (“Is he the Chosen One?”) certain implies that he’s referring to the person he’s all but admitted to protecting (i.e. Luke), but we all know that Obi-Wan sometimes has a casual relationship with the truth, especially when he thinks his obfuscation will serve a greater good.  It would be just like Obi-Wan to intentionally give a vague reply that he knows someone will read an incorrect message into; after all, it’s not like he’s lying… And ironically enough, this is another way in which Obi-Wan parallels Maul. Obi-Wan’s line to Ezra that Maul “used your desire to do good to deceive you” and “manipulated the truth” could just as easily apply to himself, what with his “the truth is often what we make of it” and “from a certain point of view” way of looking at the world.

But honestly, I couldn’t care less who is or isn’t the prophesied Chosen One. It’s been a recurring theme in the prequels and animated TV series, but thus far it has yet to significantly affect the story (except insofar as it affects the characters, who in turn influence the plot – but most of this is implied rather than shown outright onscreen).

The audience sees “Twin Suns” through Ezra’s and Maul’s eyes, and both of them are lost – figuratively and literally – throughout most of the episode. From a narrative standpoint, perhaps this is why so much of the episode’s time is spent focused on them wandering in the desert. Both characters are searching for Obi-Wan in hopes that he will be the solution to their respective problems… failing to recognize that those solutions can only be found within themselves. On a personal level, I’m a bit unsatisfied by how much of the episode is wasted on Maul and Ezra’s wanderings, but I can acknowledge its merits on a meta-narrative level. Perhaps we’re supposed to feel frustrated and as though something is incomplete, just as Maul and Ezra do… or perhaps I’m giving the Rebels writers way too much credit.

Of course, no discussion of this episode would be complete without examining Ezra’s role in the story. “Twin Suns” acts as a metaphor for Ezra’s inner journey every bit as much as it does Maul’s. While their futures may indeed “converge on a planet with twin suns” as Maul claimed in “Visions and Voices”, Ezra does not choose to “walk that path together” with Maul. Ezra certainly has his attachments, but unlike Maul, he isn’t so married to the past as to be irrevocably trapped in it.

“What else can we do?” Ezra says in response to Chopper’s grumbling after their ship is destroyed, leaving them stranded in the middle of the desert. “We have to go forward.” And that’s what this episode is about for Ezra, really – learning to move forward again… and learning to accept that he already has everything he needs in order to do so. 

A few more random thoughts before I (finally) end this:

•   Chopper’s slump and resigned sigh before turning around to go after Ezra like his babysitter will never not be hilarious to me.

•   Chopper goes from being powered-down and sand-logged in one scene to awake and alert in the next. The only possible conclusion? Obi-Wan must have fixed him while Ezra was sleeping. And later, Obi-Wan pats Chopper while talking to Ezra; that’s practically a declaration of friendship coming from him! It makes you wonder what kind of conversation they had before Ezra woke up… (That would explain how Obi-Wan knew Ezra’s full name, though, if Chopper told him.) …I kind of want that missing scene in a fic now.

•   “You saw what you wanted to see, believed what you wanted to believe,” Obi-Wan tells Ezra of the combined holocrons’ message. Going off of what I said earlier about Obi-Wan possibly misleading Maul, I can’t help but wonder if he’s doing the same thing to Ezra here. I mean, Obi-Wan is obviously trying to get Ezra to not delve into the subject any further and to leave Tatooine before he learns about Luke (and, y’know, to protect him from Maul), but part of me wonders if there’s anything more to it – the same part of me that wonders if the holocrons had a point beyond the obvious (and, if we’re being honest here, author intended) interpretation. Not to take anything away from Luke, but I’d love to see a fic that runs with an AU interpretation of the holcrons’ message. 

•   I had had some doubts when I first heard him in the episode promo, but I after watching “Twin Suns”, I have to admit that Stephen Stanton did an excellent Alec-Guiness-as-Ben-Kenobi impersonation in this episode. Kudos to him and to the writing staff for nailing the character’s speech patterns a la ANH.

•   I’m just as glad to see Maul finally gone (well, ostensibly anyway!), but I’m also glad that he was able to find some small measure of peace on his proverbial deathbed. He was dealt a truly terrible hand in life, and although he inflicted suffering on so many beings, you can’t help but feel sorry for him.

•  “That is not your responsibility. I will heal this old wound.” Other fans have doubtless already commented on this Easter Egg, but it’s still worth a gleeful mention.

•   Responsibility is another theme that runs throughout “Twin Suns”. I got the impression that we’re supposed to think Ezra is initially trying to foist the primary responsibility for destroying the Sith off on someone else, someone older and more qualified (hence his search for Obi-Wan) and that he eventually learns to take responsibility for fighting evil himself. I disagree with that reading– I’d argue that Ezra’s narrative arc has been more about learning to be able to depend on others, as he’d had stand on his own two feet for years before he met the Ghost crew. Moreover, while of course the Rebellion doesn’t need to wait around for mystical saviors in the form of Jedi (nor should they!), that doesn’t mean that the adult Jedi – namely Obi-Wan, Yoda, and any other Councillors who might have survived – have no responsibility to the Rebellion, either. The rise of the Empire was by no means solely their fault, but like many, they did help to enable it… and therefore the responsibility for destroying it also partially rests with them. The problem, of course, is that this isn’t their sole responsibility to the galaxy, and so they have to choose which responsibilities to prioritize. In the end, they deem the survival of the Jedi (through themselves and Luke) and the protection of someone powerful enough to eventually bring about the demise of the Sith (once again, Luke) to be more important than any individual strikes they could make against the Empire on their own. Are they correct in their decision? Well, that depends upon your point of view.

•  You can definitely see the moment where Obi-Wan goes from a calm refusal to fight – even amusement – to Must Protect Luke At All Costs™. Similarly, you can see the moment when he recognizes the move Maul is making and adjusts his stance accordingly. Some very nice animation work here from the creators!

•   Some fans find the shortness of Maul and Obi-Wan’s final duel to be unsatisfying and unrealistic, while other fans think that the duel’s speed and anticlimactic nature are the whole point. I… don’t particularly care, tbh? I can see both sides. That said, I do think that they should have shown Obi-Wan’s lightsaber making contact with Maul’s saber-staff and chest for more than half of a second in the dark; on my first watch-through, I didn’t realize that he’d actually hit Maul until Maul was dead. I was so confused… and I know I’m not the only viewer to have had this problem.

•  I love the strange sense of kinship that’s evoked between Maul and Obi-Wan as he lays dying. And the way Obi-Wan cradles Maul and gently closes his eyes kills me every time.

•  Why, precisely, is Ezra so sure that Maul is dead when he left before the Big Showdown™? Does he just have that much faith in Obi-Wan? Did the Force tell him as much? Personally, I’m rooting for someone to write a crack fic where Obi-Wan comms him mid-flight through something he installed in Chopper or something and tells him, leading to a wacky correspondence. (Utmost secrecy and security risks? What utmost secrecy and security risks?)

•  I was slightly disappointed not to get any more of Luke than his silhouette (well, Ezra’s silhouette, if we’re going to be technical lol – Rebels re-used footage of Ezra to save time & money) in the closing scene, but I also thought it was kind of fitting. The closer we get to the timeline of ANH, the stronger Luke’s shadow looms over Rebels, after all.

•  The closing scene in general!!! I get chills each time I watch it. It really ties “The Journals of Ben Kenobi”, the Rebels series, and ANH together nicely. All we needed was for Obi-Wan’s bantha family to make an appearance… ;-)

•   As much as I loved “Twin Suns”, I think it would have worked better if they’d cut just a smidgeon of the ‘wandering in the desert’ bits and used that extra time to 1. Show a point in Obi-Wan and Ezra’s conversation where Obi-Wan gets Ezra to promise not to tell anyone that he’s still alive and on Tatooine, or 2. Shown us Kanan’s reaction to learning that Obi-Wan is still alive… and is hiding on a backwater planet instead of searching for remaining Jedi and/or helping the Rebellion (I’d love to see the other characters’ reactions to this news too, but Kanan’s reaction is the one that is most important thematically), or 3. Use their original draft’s plotline, which involved Ezra and Kanan going to Tatooine instead of Ezra and Chopper. This last scenario would have the added benefit of more narrative ‘showing’ than ‘telling’ when it comes to Kanan’s reaction, and it would allow for further streamlining of the episode, as TPTB could then cut out most of the scenes with the rest of the Ghost crew (which, although enjoyable, split the audience’s focus in an undesirable way in this episode, IMO, even if they did act as nice bookends). Any of these options would have made for a much tighter, less rushed, more coherent, and more satisfying episode.

All criticisms and analyses aside, I really liked “Twin Suns”. Although it’s enriched by knowledge of previous Rebels episodes, it can stand on its own. I’d say it’s definitely among the best work Rebels has produced and is a worthy addition to new Star Wars canon.

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