#maybe it’ll be better when I’m back on my meds again

[bettysupremacy]

I’m in love with your version of peter already!!!

I would love if you could write maybe r hurting her knees and him kneeling to patch her up. maybe r not having the best experience with people touching her but trusting him:))

I hope you are having a good day/week/month!! and absolutely no pressure to write this

I was literally otp with @formulafics when I found this in my inbox and so excited. So cute!! Thank you for the request!

“It hurts.” You whimper pathetically. Peter watches the way you flinch at his fingers sorrowful.

You sit on the bathroom counter of his small apartment, scraped and bruised from a fall outside the spinning doors. You hadn’t seen the skateboard swish past you, and the owner hadn’t turned his head to check if you were okay. His doorman helped you up, embarrassingly, but Peter seemed to have been down the stairs before you could step off the lobby rug. He leans over you know, hands on the counter, head down inspecting the bloody skin.

“Can I touch it?” He murmurs, looking up at you. You stare at him. “I just want to help.”

Your eyes are puffy, a sight from crying, and your nose aches from the way you rub it. You’re sure it’s not the prettiest sight he’s ever seen, and a small rumble of embarrassment vibrates in your belly. You nod anyways.

“Are you sure?” He pushes. You know he wants verbal consent.

“Uh uh.” You frown, tapping your fingers against your knee. “You can.”

“Ok.”

He bends down onto his knees, eye level with the aching scrapes you adorn. Peter sucks his teeth sharply. “This look like it hurts.”

“It does.” You whisper, and Peter feels stupid for the basic observation.

“Can I clean it?” He looks up at you. “It might sting a little.” He’s honest with you. “But it’ll make them feel better.”

You nod, suddenly embarrassed for the show of emotions, feeling little under his stare like a hurt child.

“I’m not trying to embarrass you.” He frowns, like he can read your mind. Suddenly, he laughs like he knows he’s startled you, groaning as he pushes to stand again.

Peter’s got problems with his knees, they ache and creek like an old man’s, but you don’t know what’s could’ve caused that so early in the boys life. They pop as he fully straightens them and he smiles at you, laughing a quiet “Felt good.”

You swallow a smile at his goofy expression.

“Yeah, you can clean them.” You reiterate out loud.

“Perfect.” He beams at you, dancing out the bathroom to earn your smile. He yells from the other room. “Doctor Parker’s over here!”

You wipe your nose quickly before he shows back up. “You didn’t go to med school!”

You hear his disgruntled scoff from the hallway.

Popping back in the bathroom he delights in your laugh. He pulls his hand from his back like a magician, letting tissue float down over his fingers. “A tissue for the lady.”

“Thank you.” Your small laugh is watery as you take the tissue, dabbing your wet cheeks.

“Don’t mention it.” He quips, dropping back down onto his knees to inspect your knees.

“You can’t keep putting so much pressure on your knees like that.” You murmur.

“I always bounce back.” He smiles. “Let’s see” He glances up at you. “Can I?”

You nod, letting him take the back of your knee into his warm hand. The antiseptic burns, something Peter is very apologetic for, and the bandaid tingles, but you’re happy with the light touches Peter graces your leg.

“All done.” He jumps up, using the hands you give him as leverage. “All better?”

“All better.”

“Are you sure?” He drawls with a smile shining towards you. His fingers wiggle towards your stomach teasingly. “Don't lie to me, baby.”

“I’m not.” You giggle, shoving your fingers in his.

“Okay.” He grins. “You better not be fibbing.”

You laugh out loudly. “I’m not.”

“I’m not.” He mimics, pushing away the hands that his him to kiss your lips. His hands work their way down to hold your waist, bracing you to jump off the counter. “Ready for blastoff?”

Your hands cup over his. “Shut up.”

#peter parker x y/n #peter parker fluff #peter parker x you #peter parker x reader #spiderman x you #spiderman x y/n #spiderman x reader #spiderman fic #spiderman fanfiction #tasm peter parker #tasm!peter x you #tasm!peter x y/n #tasm!peter fluff #tasm!peter x reader #tasm!peter imagine #tasm fanfiction #peter parker fanfiction #peter parker fic #tasm x reader #tasm x y/n #tasm x you

[technically-ghostly-collection]

Alright let’s do this one more time, my fanfiction did a lot better then I expected (Yeah I know 31 notes isn’t a lot but it makes me happy). So here’s part two! You gotta read part one to understand this part so I linked it below, I hope y’all enjoy this one too! :D this does switch perspectives at the end to explain Miguel’s reasoning for what he does for the MC.

vvvvvvvv for part one

Part one | Part two | Part 3

TW: Injuries and Hospitals

Word count: 2.0K

————————————————————————

It doesn’t take long for the pain to kick in and you’re left writhing on the floor, holding your side and trying to breath through it. You start dragging yourself towards the hall closet to get a first aid kit, pain meds, anything to make this pain go away before you hear a knock at the door.

A muffled voice comes through the door, “Hey, I heard gunshots coming from here, I want to check that you’re alive!”

Fuck. It’s your downstairs neighbor. He’s very reclusive, you don’t even know why he cares so much when all he does is scowl and grumble at you. You’ve tried to be nice and make conversation with him but heaven forbid anyone acknowledges him, you barely remember his name. He knocks again, but you’re head is fogged with the pain, you’re barely registering anything going on around you. What was his name? It started with an M, you know that much, you see it on his mailbox in the mail room but when your life depends on it you can’t remember, of course.

You hear the doorhandle start to shake, and then something starting to fiddle with the lock. You continue to try and crawl towards your hall closet, taking deep breaths, You’d shout back but your vocal cords have been strained by your recent choking. You finally get to the closet and manage to open the door before your front door slowly starts to open.

“If you’re going to make noise or watch action movies maybe you should, I dunno, turn the volume… down…” you watch as your neighbor’s shadow in the doorway stops as he notices the blood on the floor. “Jesus christ, where are you? Whose blood is this?” he rushes in and sees you reaching for the first aid kit.

You glare at him, “Breaking and entering isn’t really a good look on you” you rasp.

“I think that should be the least of your worries, you sound like shit”

“Wow, thanks prince charming, that really helps”

He rolls his eyes, giving you a quick glare before he comes over and grabs the first aid kit for you, “can you walk?” You shake your head.

“That was a stupid question, try again”

He sighs, you can tell you’re getting on his nerves. Good, he insulted your jello salad at a dinner party the apartment complex was throwing, yes you’re holding a grudge. No, you won’t give it up. “Do you want my help or not?” Miguel hisses

“Wow, you’re so generous, who would have guessed that?” you cough out, wincing at your injuries and slowly prop yourself up against the wall.

He shoots you another glare before popping the first aid kit open. You blush a bit, “don’t glare and snarl at me, you’re the one who’s sticking your nose in my business”

“Would you rather I call the police to file a noise complaint?” He pulls out some gauze and medical wraps as well as some alcohol wipes. “This first aid kit is primitive, how the hell do you expect someone to work with this?”

You roll your eyes, “I’m not made of money, I can’t afford the shit Alcamex is advertising”.

He goes quiet, you feel a little sense of victory being able to shut him up. He rolls up your shirt so that he can better examine your side. He stops you before you can call him a perv and pull your shirt down with a stern look and you swallow your words, letting him continue. You watch as he rips open an alcohol wipe and hiss as he starts cleaning the torn up skin.

“You might have to go to the hospital for this, it looks pretty deep”

“I would really prefer not to, it’ll be fine”

He gives you a frustrated look before just putting the gauze on and wrapping your side tight, you hold back a groan as the wrap presses against the wound.

“You should probably get your nose looked at. It looks broken and probably needs to be reset” he says as he packs everything back into the first aid kit.

“Who died and made you a doctor? Let me guess, your favorite board game is Operation.”

He gives you an agitated look, “you need to get your nose taken care of, it’s still bleeding.”

You wipe the blood off your chin and look down at your soiled shirt, cursing under your breath. “God fine, but I’m not going to the ER tonight, I’d much rather go back to bed” as you try to get up you wince and gasp out in pain at your wrist. You scowl down at it, ‘why have you betrayed me?’ you think to yourself. It’s definitely sprained just based on the size of the swelling and the feeling of fire racing through your hand and forearm due to the pressure you just put on it.

“Yeah, I’m dropping you off at the hospital, I don’t want to hear you groaning through the floorboards all night”

You hesitate before nodding, “fine… Okay fine, take me to the hospital.”

He nods before grabbing your arm and helps pull you up to your feet. Your legs feel like jello, you grab onto his arm to steady yourself and blush a bit ‘he’s awfully buff, god damn’ you think to yourself. He keeps a firm grip on your waist and wraps your arm around his shoulders, starting to help you walk out of your apartment to the parking garage downstairs. You’re already panting and sweating from the pain alone by the time you get to the car, he helps you climb in and you buckle up. He starts up the car after buckling up himself and drives off, you didn’t even notice that he put on some sunglasses before you both left and realized you left your own prescription glasses at home on your night stand between your judging looks.

“Fuck” you mumble to yourself.

He glances at you, “don’t pass out in my car.”

“Wow, nice work, I’m so comforted right now”

He rolls his eyes, the audacity of this man. “You’re welcome.”

“God you’re really getting on my nerves, why are you helping me?”

“My own selfish reasons.” He grunts out, you can tell the conversation is over based on the ice cold barrier he’s put up.

You roll your eyes and look down at your hands, feeling a blush spread on your cheeks. you don’t know why you're embarrassed. Maybe it’s because your attitude is less than savory but then again, he’s being an asshole back. He’s uninviting and abrasive and you’re still trying to put the pieces together as to why he’s so concerned because that excuse he just gave you sounded like a bunch of bullshit.

You both ride in silence the rest of the way to the hospital, you stare at the lights flying past you and dose off a bit, pressing your head to the cold window. It’s not long before your neighbor is shaking you and makes sure you’re clear of the door before coming around and helping you out. Like he promised, he’s dropped you off at the doors to the ER, not giving you so much as a second glance before going back to his car and driving off.

You stumble into the ER and a nurse helps you sit down, it takes a minute and some paperwork before they bring you back to a room. They change you into a hospital gown and before you know it you’ve got 5 stitches, a bulky stint on your wrist and a prescription for some strong pain medications that will help with your broken nose. The doctor already came in and they decided you’ll be staying the night for observation and you’ve been moved to a more permanent room, you’re trying to adjust and maybe get some rest before a nurse comes in with a clipboard.

“We just need you to fill out the emergency contact section and your insurance information and then you can rest okay? Do you need anything before I leave?”

“No I’m fine, thank you though” you smile and take the clipboard, already against having to write this down with your non-dominant hand.

“Okay, I’ll just get a refill on your water okay?”

“Okay, thank you” you give her another kind smile as she rushes out to get you more water and you start trying to fill out the form. You didn’t know how to politely say that you didn’t have any emergency contacts. You think for a minute, reflecting on your situation and shake your head. ‘I’ve got to remember his name… for the thank you card’ you chuckle a bit at your own joke. You imagine how his face will scrunch up with disgust, just like when he tried your jello salad… maybe you’ll send him a bowl. Just to make up for him breaking into your apartment.

Suddenly the phone rings next to you, you jump a bit and hesitate before answering it. “Hello?”

You cringe at your neighbor's voice, you don’t care how sultry it sounds, you’re just forced to reflect on his glaring face. “Yeah hi, I just wanted to let you know that you got blood on my seats. We’ll talk about how you’ll pay for that later.”

“Wow, you called me, at the hospital, just to tell me I stained your car’s seat?” You grab a pen and paper and start writing down the number on the receiver, you’re going to annoy the fuck out of him, you’re determined to do so.

“Yeah.. that’s the only reason I called you.” The line disconnects and you stare at the phone in raw disbelief.

You contemplate how you’re going to cuss him out when you see him next. You’re ready to make a scene and embarrass him, just like he embarrassed you. You feel like he treated you like a toddler, like you couldn’t take care of yourself or catch a bus down to the hospital when YOU were ready. You roll over, still imagining his snarl when you see him next and give him a piece of your mind. You settle down for the night, ‘I’m spamming his damn phone tomorrow’ You think as you doze off, ‘he risked his own damn seats’.

Miguel’s perspective

‘Why did I do that… that was probably the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. When have I cared about people after I saved them?’ He knows why, he just doesn’t want to admit that he finds you attractive. And your lack of cooking ability is almost endearing. The way you smile and wave at him when you catch him in the mail room, or the way your face brightens up at the parties the landlord decides to throw. So when he saw you, broken and bleeding after he handled the two shit bags who attacked you, he couldn’t help but soften, and decide that maybe he can allow himself to care about you.

He pulls into the parking garage and climbs out, walking in to the building after locking his car up. He looks at the buttons on the elevator for a moment before pressing one, stepping out as the doors open onto your floor. ‘I’m such a fucking idiot, I shouldn’t be doing this. I have my own shit going on.’ And yet he enters your apartment, grabs a broom, and sweeps up the broken glass shattered on your floor.

It’s not long before his ‘watch’ sets off and a small hologram of a woman in heart sunglasses and a puffy coat pops up. “Hey Miguel~ You have a priority call.”

“Tell ‘em I died” he grunts out.

“Still cracking the same jokes I see” the hologram smiles. “But you are needed at headquarters, some emergency with the cafeteria and some of the spiders. A food fight has broken out”

He groans, “god why didn’t you let Jessica or Lego Spiderman take over while I was gone?”

“Because it’s more fun to create chaos, also they have their own dimensions to take care of”

“Fine, I’ll be right in” he sighs as the hologram closes out and throws the glass away. ‘Might as well be wearing a French maid outfit, they better be grateful for this when they come home’ he walks out of your apartment and makes sure the door is closed before walking out of the building.

————————————————————————

I wanted to include this gem from the comics in here. You’re welcome.

#miguel o’hara x reader #miguel o'hara #into the spider verse #spider man: across the spider verse #spiderman 2099 #I’m hoping I wrote Miguel correctly #enemies to friends to lovers #I PROMISE THIS WILL TURN INTO SMUT BEAR WITH ME #injury #asshole behavior #jello salad #insult to injury #brain rot #I have severe brain rot for this man #perspective swap #haha funny

[babybearsnz]

Request for Yeosang having a bad allergy day and Jongho (boyfriend) being unusually sweet and romantic in taking care of him.

Crazy pollen count

Sickie: Yeosang

Caretaker: Jongho

Relationship: Romantic

Jongho's pov:

I was sitting at the kitchen table with my morning cup of coffee when Yeosang shuffled in. He had bedhead and was rubbing at his nose.

“Good morning, Sangie.” I gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“G’morning,” he yawned. “Do you know where the bottle of antihistimines went?”

I tilted my head in thought. “I think I put it back in the medicine cabinet.”

He nodded and started walking toward the bathroom. He paused in the hallway. “hehTCHiih! hahTCHeh!” He bent at the waist with each sneeze.

“Bless you.”

He sniffled harshly. “Thank you.”

When Yeosang returned, I handed him a box of tissues and poured him a cup of coffee. “You doing okay?” I asked and sat close to him.

He nodded and leaned his head on my shoulder. “I’ll be fine, it’s just the crazy pollen count.” He cupped both hands over his face and sneezed softly a couple more times.

“Oh, bless you.” I rubbed his arm up and down.

He scrubbed at his nose again. “Thank you.” His voice was barely louder than a whisper and I could tell he was already frustrated because of his poor itchy nose.

I gave him a kiss on the head and played with his hair. “What can I make you for breakfast?”

“I don’t really have an appetite right now,” he replied. “Can I just have some broth.”

“Sure, jagi.”

Yeosang’s pov:

I was already tired of my stupid allergies. My nose was super itchy and there wasn’t anything I could do about it. I switched off sipping my coffee with blowing my nose while Jongho made me some broth. Back and forth, over and over again. I was already exhausted and the day had barely started. But at least Jongho made it a bit better.

“Here you go, Sang.” He set down a bowl and gently moved my hair behind my ear, slightly smiling. “I bought some nose spray the other day if you want to try it,” he offered.

I shrugged. “Maybe, but not right now.” I drank some of the broth before blowing my nose. My breath hitched quietly only once before calming down and Jongho rubbed my back.

This happened pretty often when my allergies were particularly bad. My nose would constantly itch but I’d have a hard time sneezing.

“Can I get you anything else?” He asked as I went over to the couch and made myself comfortable.

“I don’t think so,” I answered. “I’m just a—annoyed. NGXTtchiih! hehTCHH!”

“Aw, bless you, jagi.” He stroked my head. “I’m sorry you feel bad.”

I pouted. “This sucks.”

“Oh, I know, come here.” Jongho climbed behind me so that I was sitting between his legs and wrapped his arms around me. I rested my back on his body and he placed his chin lightly on the top of my head.

It wasn’t long before I had to cup my hands over my face again. “huhTCHH! TCHhh! TCHhh!” Each sneeze was weaker than the last and I groaned, relaxing back into Jongho.

“God bless you.” He kissed my head and I snuggled into his embrace.

“Thank you.” My breath wavered.

Jongho cooed in sympathy. “More?” He asked.

“My nose is still itching,” I whined. “Sneezing doesn’t help anything.”

“That’s because they’re too tiny,” Jongho laughed.

I smiled and sniffled before prodding at my nose. The tickle was getting stronger and I gently moved Jongho’s arms out of the way. “It’s coming now, hold on.”

He frowned and rubbed my back as I leaned forward with a hand hovering near my face in anticipation for the oncoming fit.

“hehTCHiii! ehTCHhh! TCHhiew! hahTCHiew! huhTCHiii! Aish, excuse me.” Jongho continued to rub my back as my head bobbed back and forth.

“Bless you, bless you, wow.” He put his arms back around me and hugged me tight. “You okay?”

I nodded. “Thank you, sorry,” I mumbled.

“Don’t be sorry,” he said. “It’s not your fault. Are the meds not doing anything to help?”

I shook my head and pouted.

“Do you want to try the nose spray?” He asked once again.

I hesitated. “It’ll just make me sneeze more.”

“At first, maybe,” Jongho stated. “But it could help otherwise.”

“Okay, I’ll try it.” I murmured and sighed.

Jongho's pov:

I felt terrible for Yeosang. His allergies weren’t giving him a break and it was obvious he was miserable. He blew his nose before he agreed to try the nose spray I had bought him.

The reaction was instant. “hehGXXTtshu! huhGXXTtshu! hehTSHhuu! hehTCHhiew!”

I held him in my arms as his breath hitched endlessly. I held a tissue to his nose and massaged it, something I had found to have helped in the past.

“NGXTtchu! NGXTtshiie! ngxtTSHUU!”

I waited until I was sure he was done. “God bless you, jagiyah.” I wiped away the allergic tears that had been streaming down his face. “You’re okay, just breathe.”

His lip quivered and he wrapped his arms around me. I hugged him tight and kissed his head. “My poor baby,” I cooed.

“I just want it to stop,” he cried.

I frowned, wishing I could trade places with him so he could be relieved. “I know, I know. It’s okay.”

He let out a couple of tiny, breathy sneezes into my chest, utterly exhausted. I kept my arms around him and rubbed his back. “Bless you.”

“Thank you.” My shirt muffled his words and I was barely able to make them out. He turned his head and looked up at me. I kissed him on the cheek and snuggled my head into his neck.

“You feel any less itchy?” I ran my fingers through his hair.

He nodded. “A little bit.” He paused. “I love you.”

I kissed his cheek again. “I love you, Sang.”

I rubbed his back and he slowly started falling asleep, burned out from all of the sneezing. With that, I got comfortable and held him while he drifted off.

#kpop fanfic #idol sneeze #sneezefic #sneezeblr #ksnz #kpop snz #snzblr #ateez fanfic #ateez yeosang #kang yeosang

[redwayfarers]

just desserts

Fandom: Wayfarer Ship: Cassander Inteus/Melchior Larkspur/Kathan Sero Characters: Cassander Inteus, Kathan Sero, Melchior Larkspur Rating: Explicit (minors don't read) Words: 1771 Spoilers: None // modern au Huge thank you to @melusinedreams for borrowing her most feral babygirl Kathan to me <;3 read on ao3 divider by @saradika

He comes home earlier than usual. I didn’t hear him, with how loud the music plays in the kitchen; I have an article to write about this new up and coming band - given to me because I’m apparently good at my job and because, and I quote, “they talk about the gay love.” Fair enough, though I’m bisexual thank you very much, the gay stuff is still something I’m familiar with. Maybe she’d seen my podcast about it. Either way, their music’s good - largely pop, but that’s as neutral as having ears is - and it sounds far better than the noises of cooking right now. 

Chopping veggies isn’t as appealing of a noise when I’m right in the head as it is when I’m not. Arguably, I’m never right in the head, but there’s degrees to this shit, okay? Sometimes making phone calls is scary. Sometimes the boss sends me home because I’m biting people like an overstretched chihuahua. Sometimes silence is an oppressive weight that feels more like chains than a weighted blanket. And other times, silence is simply annoying and I’m turning the music on and functioning like a normal fucking member of society. 

With some extra meds, but hey. Who the fuck keeps count anyway? 

So yeah, I don’t see him coming, haven’t even anticipated him coming this soon, so when I suddenly feel hands around my waist and lips on my cheek, I let out a startled yell and only to find he’d paused the music for a second and is laughing. The audacity. 

“Hello, my little songbird,” Mel chirps, and I sigh. 

“Hello, spymaster.” I chop the last of the tomatoes and put them in a bowl with the rest of the vegetables. “You’re.. Early? Did Kit kick you out for being too harsh on some line performance?” 

Mel laughs and kisses me. He tastes like coffee and mint. “On the contrary! They performed superbly and I finished early.” 

“You think it’ll be perfect by the premiere?” 

“Unless someone fucks something up extremely badly, which I highly doubt, then yes.” He buries his head in my shoulder and breathes in. Granted, cooking is a good scent half the time, so he’s smelling some really tasty stuff, probably. “Your wryness is rubbing off on me.” 

“You’re too old for that. Seen too much. I think I just make it juicier. More acerbic. I’m bittering this old lemon again.” I shake my head and laugh. “Or a blueberry? Are blueberries acerbic? Hold on, I have to google that now.” I look around to where my phone is, but end up hitting my cheekbone into his temple. He is a warm pressure against my back, and his hands are sliding up and down my sides. “I do think this particular blueberry has a case of… blue balls.” Pause. “Please don’t laugh at that. It’ll shame us both.”   

Then, another voice rings from outside of the kitchen. Kathan sounds as fake about it as I do when I try to speak like my mother does. “Cassander, you are an embarrassment to this household. I would like to think I had thought you better than this.” 

“Don’t worry, Kathan, he’s having a taste of those blueberries later,” Mel shouts back and I stare at the counter like it will save me from my partners ganging up on me like this. I open my mouth, consider saying whatever the fuck my brain cooks up at this point to save my scrawny ass, and throw all caution away like an ugly t-shirt. 

“Kathan, if you have issues with my jokes, then you should take it up with the clown university where I got them from. Their worksheets. They’re in my room somewhere, right beneath my clown degree.” 

Mel shakes with laughter. “You’re a delight, Cassander,” he says between laughs, and warmth spreads all over my chest. Some days I can hardly believe my luck that I met the two of them, and that we’d be here, living together, cracking silly jokes in what feels like domestic bliss. Not that I have anything to compare it to, but still. Then, Mel’s voice goes low, though still chipper. “Do you know how you’d be an even more of a delight?” 

It makes me swallow. “Tasting the blueberry?” 

“Hmm, not quite yet. I don’t think you’ve been a good enough boy for that, with all your offenses against language in the last 20 minutes.” 

I fight the urge to squirm. “You’re really not holding back, huh,” I whisper and he kisses my cheek. His hand slides to my belly and promises to dip lower, but doesn’t. I look down to where his fingers are toying with my shirt. “So, however will I atone for my sins, Daddy?” I know, I know, I shouldn’t sound so derisive about it, but it comes out as a half-mocking. Oops. 

“What are you making?” he asks firmly and his tone offers no room for ignoring. The doors slide open and Kathan stands there, arms crossed, watching with avid interest. 

“Just some pasta with veggies,” I say, looking at the bowl. “Haven’t started the pasta yet.” 

“Good. You won’t for a while.” For fuck’s sake, I’m such a goner now. “Cover the vegetables with something and come with me to the bedroom.” 

“Aren’t you hungry after a long day of work?” I try, holding onto the counter. He doesn’t look tired. If anything, he looks about ready to do whatever the fuck he wants to do with me. Food’s the last thing on his mind right now. 

“I can cook the pasta later, after we get that vibrating cock ring we’ve gotten recently,” he simply says. 

“No. You’re fucking with me right now.” Last time we used that fucking thing, he made me cry from denial. Cry. Big, fat, ugly tears, no thought, only desperation and… blue balls kinda cry. I bury my face in my hands and laugh. I suppose I am into it, if the fact I’m half-hard from all of this already is any indication. And I suppose I should’ve stopped at some point, but hey. At least he’s so hot like this, all in charge and in control, king of the castle or whatever. All he needs is a crown. For the aesthetic of it all. I’m bending like a wet napkin already. 

“Should’ve considered your words, baby,” Kathan says with intention. “No use crying over spilled milk!” 

“I hate you so much, actually. I swear to anyone who’s listening, I’m moving that music degree up the wall.” 

“You’re not helping your case whatsoever, sweetheart,” Melchior says, and moves a hand to stroke up my neck. “She’s not at fault here. If anything, you’re just adding more reasons for that cock ring.” He then looks me in the eye. His gaze is smoldering. “But you want it, do you not? You want it so desperately you are willing to act out to get it?”

Breaking eye contact is a struggle. The room falls down to us, to his hand on my skin, to the tips of our noses touching. He’s cutting off room to breathe, almost; but I don’t need air, not when he’s looking at me like that, not when that question hangs in the air. Kathan makes a noise in the background. The counter is my only refuge against the tension under my skin. 

Melchior has a way of doing that when he wants to, in a way nobody else does. When he traps me, it feels like safety. With him, the gates of the cage are wide open, but I want to stay inside the bars. A lifetime ago, I would’ve run away from that. Now, I don’t really feel like I need to. 

“Kiss me, please,” I say, unable to verbalize any of that. “Before the– the monster contraption, can you just kiss me? Please?” 

“Of course,” he says softly. The kiss is deep, yet gentle; his touch is less constricting, and it feels like a warm cocoon despite the fact that he’s about to be very fucking mean to me. The combination makes my head spin, a cocktail of hormones, feelings and hardons, and I hold on tight as his tongue plays with mine and guides it to where he needs it to be. Melchior’s hand slides down to cup my cock - a small, casual squeeze that has me moaning into his mouth before it’s gone far too soon. 

“You’re so responsive, darling,” he says and seals the words with a chaste kiss. “Too bad there won’t be any relief for you for this anytime soon.” 

And thus the softness of his presence crashes down and I tilt my head back and groan. “Are you sure I can’t write ‘I’m a good boy’ or something 100 times instead?” 

Melchior laughs. “I am.” He places a hand on my ass and squeezes. “Let’s go.” 

“By the time I’m back from work, will his punishment be done?” Kathan asks, and she sounds far too happy about it. Suspiciously happy, even. 

“And when do you come back from work?” Melchior asks Kathan, sounding entirely too considerate of the possible answer himself. Uh-oh. 

“What time is it..” She reaches for the phone in her pocket. “In about 5 hours? I’m coming home earlier today.” 

“What do you say, Cassander? Should Kathan see you orgasm when she comes back from work?” Melchior turns to me with the sharpest grin I’ve seen in months. His fangs are on display, murder weapons all four of them, and his hand squeezes my ass again. 

“I say I hate you both with the passion of a thousand suns,” I bite out, without any real heat. Five hours seems like an awful lot of time, but there’s some.. Fucking excitement! Anticipation!  For all the suffering he’s going to inflict on me for the next five hours! “But fine. Fine.” I try to sound as unaffected as I possibly can, but it’s a laughable and miserable attempt. “Will my punishment not affect access to veggie pasta?” 

“I will make you the most delicious veggie pasta,” Melchior laughs. “Hand-feed you, should you care for that. I even bought ice cream for later. We will save some for Kathan, of course. It’s hard work she’s doing, after all. We might as well give her a show, hm?” 

And since my mouth is actively conspiring against me, I reply, “Don’t forget the blueberries.” 

Melchior laughs yet again, gorgeously messily, and guides me to the start of the five hours of personalized, sexy hell, as Kathan waves us goodbye and leaves for work, laughing still. Hurray. 

Hu-fucking-ray.

#wayfarer #cassander inteus #cassander x melchior #inspo birb has come to town #my writing #i missed writing cass. and also it's baby first tumblr posted smut. i have one on ao3 but nobody read that #not sure how many people will end up reading it but here goes nothing

[againstme]

today was kind of mainly just nothing. our “case management” group was really nothing but a patient bitching, there was too much talking for me to get anything done. the next group was just us vaguely talking about self care goals for the week? that staff member talks for sooooo long but at least it makes the group go by kind of fast? super overstimulating though.

then i had trauma therapy, which was rough. i did good, like i was able to dig through what we were talking about and i was able to recount and remember more things about the situation, things that i thought that i had forgotten.

and i also was told by her that it’s very common for me to feel like there’s no point in doing the therapy, and that it’s just something i can get over by myself, and that’s just the brain’s way of trying to run away from doing the hard work because that means that i wouldn’t have to bring things up and hurt doing uncomfortable work. and that it’ll find any excuse it can to stop the work. and also, that if i could’ve just worked on this by myself without therapy, i would’ve done it by now.

after that i had lunch, where i didn’t eat anything but chips, again. and then the patient that hates me was being mean to me and talking shit about me.

oh yeah, in the group in the morning, while a staff member had stepped out of the room, he said “can you stop breathing the same air as me, chase?” just completely unprompted. there’s more things he said and did but i’m too tired to try to go into it now. i think i took a screenshot of things i said though, i’ll post them in a reblog.

so that made me very sad and too uncomfortable to want to go to group. i think i kind of have exhausted all the sources i had in my body for crying because cried so much last week. and now i’m just kind of feeling numb, or i’ll feel tears welling up in my eyes, but they aren’t able to come out. which is annoying, honestly.

and also, staff just kind of told me that gabe (the guy who hates me) is just gonna be gabe, and basically that i should just keep my distance and not engage. i’m literally only going downstairs when i have to eat, take my meds, or do my chore, and he’s still finding ways to be so mean to me during those times. especially when staff aren’t around. i’ve started recording things when he starts on his bullshit.

the groups after lunch were also kind of nothing, i barely remember them. i didn’t go to the next group because i didn’t want to be around gabe after he was so upset with me, so i stayed in the other group room. and then the next group was the loud staff member again, where we went around Again about the self care thing and only got handed out a piece of paper talking about commitments like 6 minutes before the group was over. and then in the next group, also with him, we did this thing where we all wrote a word on the whiteboard to make a sentence that sounded stupid. at least it wasn’t about israel this time, that happened last time.

and then in the last group we just watched pirates of the caribbean.

so yeah. today was kind of just nothing. i guess it’s better than it being super intense? idk. got home, watched youtube for a second, ate dinner, laid back down, went on a wikipedia rabbit hole about linguistics (very fun tbh), did my chore of cleaning the bathroom, took my meds maybe 2 hours ago, and i’m waiting on them to kick in.

hopefully tomorrow is okay

[hext00ns]

Springtime Slog {@sicktember}

AO3 l!nk in comments

Ships: Miles/Phoenix / Miles & Phoenix & Gumshoe

Rating: G

Warnings: None

Description: Miles has never been a fan of springtime due to his regularly scheduled allergies. Phoenix takes it upon himself to help.

{Sicktember 2022 Day 13: Seasonal / Pet Allergies}

The prosecutor walked into the main lobby of the court house. His entire face felt swollen and disgusting. Half of it was currently covered with a white mask but anyone with two eyes and half a brain could see by just his eyes that he was practically a zombie.

Luckily, a man matching that criteria happened to notice the other from across the room.

“You look awful,” Phoenix greeted once he’d walked close enough to be heard.

Miles turned to him and gave the other a glare. “An astute observation, Wr-“ he was cut off by a loud sneeze.

“Maybe you should go home and rest,” Phoenix responded, ignoring Miles’ snippish reply.

“I’m fine,” the prosecutor argued. Though the congested sound of his voice betrayed his words. “Besides, I have work that must be done.”

“Can’t someone else do that?” Phoenix questioned, putting a hand to his hip. “I mean you are High Prosecutor. Don’t you have, like, Payne or someone you can shove work off to for a day?”

Miles scoffed. “You really think I would trust that fool to do anything important? There’s a reason he’s almost exclusively on rookie cases.” He began walking down the hall, only for Phoenix to follow him. Not that he expected anything less. “Besides, it’s nothing serious. Just allergies.”

“Oh right, I almost forgot you always turn into goo during spring.”

“I do not ‘turn to goo’,” Miles huffed. “I’m just a bit under the weather. Not that it matters.”

“Don’t you have meds or something for that?”

“Of course.”

“Then why are you walking around half covered in snot?”

Miles stopped walking and turned on his heels to look at the other. “Is there a reason you feel the need to interrogate me?”

Phoenix skidded to his own stop and put his hands up defensively. “Woah, woah. No interrogation. I was just asking.”

Miles breathed a harsh sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Well, save your questions for cross examinations. I really don’t have time for this.”

“Wait,” Phoenix grabbed at him to keep him from walking off again, “at least let me take you to the cafe for some tea or something. It’ll probably help with your throat and stuff.”

Miles decided not to ask how in the hell Phoenix could tell his throat was sore. Though, knowing the other attorney it was possible he took a shot in the dark and still hit the bullseye. He only gave another sigh and said, “Fine. If it will get you off my back long enough so I can do my work.”

Phoenix gave the other a triumphant smile and led him towards the court cafeteria. They both picked out a blend and made their respective teas before sitting at one of the tables.

Whoever thought that using a Keurig coffee machine as a makeshift tea kettle was going to be brought in for a talk regarding their salary, Miles decided as he forced down the first few sips of his Lady Grey.

“This is disgusting,” he hissed out finally.

“I mean, yeah,” Phoenix chuckled. “But it’s better than just downing hot water.”

“Mm, not by much,” Miles mumbled. However, Phoenix was right about it helping his throat. It was still a bit sore but it didn’t hurt as bad to talk.

The two sat in a comfortable silence as they sipped their teas. Miles knew he couldn’t stay much longer, he really did have work to attend to for the day. However, there was something nice about this. Just… existing with the other. Being cared for even if only in such a small way. It, admittedly, meant a lot to him.

After a bit, he heard a familiar voice call out to them. When he turned he noticed Detective Gumshoe jogging over to them.

“Heya, Mista Edgeworth! Heya, pal!” he greeted them both with his usual booming voice. “I grabbed those meds for ya!” The detective said as he handed over a box of allergy medication to Miles.

“I didn’t ask for-” he stopped and looked up at Phoenix.

The defense attorney was sipping his tea in an attempt to hide a smile. Looking back down at the box, Miles noted that it was the very brand he always got. Though, he would be more likely to assume that bit was courtesy of the good detective and less the meddlesome attorney.

“How the hell did you know?”

“Know what? That you were out of your meds?”

That caught Miles by surprise all on his own. It was one thing for Phoenix to assume that he had forgotten to take them that morning; which would have been the much more obvious deduction. However, it was another to believe that Miles had run out completely and be correct.

Phoenix, however, only smiled. “I remember you complaining the other day that you haven’t had time to go shopping lately. That and the fact that your allergies are, like, a million times worse than normal. And you hardly ever screw up your daily habits even at your worst. It was just a guess but.” He didn't continue, only shrugged.

Miles sat agape at the other. Finally, he let out a humored breath and tore open the package. “You truly are something else, Wright.”

#ace attorney #wrightworth #phoenix wright #miles edgeworth #dick gumshoe #sickfic #sicktember #sicktember 2022 #fan fic #fan fiction #mywriting

[oh-surprise-its-me]

So full disclosure @aki-draws-things I’ve got cold meds in my system sooo hopefully this makes at least some sense!

But here’s a criminal au!

Let’s pretend that marriage between three people is legal for shits and giggles.

(Also! Mostly inspired because we talked about Mick Rory and Leonard Snart and I spent all of yesterday doing through the fan fics)

Chris never thought he would be a lawyer. Let alone a lawyer for two art thieves.

Two art thieves he’s fallen in love with.

Chris always knew that Tommy was pretty. Ron was just as pretty. The rumors of them being together never fading.

When Chris walks back into his penthouse he catches sight of a new statue. “Tommy!”

Ron sticks his head out of the kitchen. “You okay Baby?” “Did I call you? No. I want the idiot we call a husband.”

Ron nods. He hopes Chris doesn’t yell at Tom too much.

Tom runs down the steps. “Hey Chris!” Chris smiles at him. He loops his arms around Tom’s neck. He leans close almost to kiss him but breaks off at the last second. “Is that a goddamn Michelangelo in our living room.”

Tom smiles. “Absolutely it is!” Chris sighs. He bites Tom’s neck. “Are you fucking insane!” Tom at least has the class to look guilty. “No? Just wanted the best of the best for you baby.”

Chris leans his forehead onto Tom’s shoulder. He hears Ron’s footsteps come up. Ron wraps his arms around the two of them. “If it makes it better I helped him?”

Chris raises a hand. He smacks it over Ron’s mouth. “I love you both but if I have to convince and blackmail another jury that y’all aren’t criminal masterminds I’m divorcing you.”

Ron winces. “Yeah that’s fair.” Chris leans back. “Fair? Fair?! Yeah it’s fucking fair! I want my husbands to be home for a while. Jesus Christ lay low.” Tom presses a kiss to Chris’s head. “We were careful don’t worry. It’ll all be fine.”

Chris shudders. He’s tired. So tired. “Help me with my clothing then I’m starving.”

They both grin. Chris has been compared to the most breathtaking art in the world. Better then anything in the Louvre better then all of the museums in the world. He knows how much they like stripping and taking care of him.

Ron slips away with a squeeze to Chris’s hip. “Gonna finish dinner. Tommy take care of him?” Tom nods. “Course Sunny.” Chris gets an actual kiss this time around. He leans into it, he’s tilts backwards and looses his balance. Tom catches him.

“Time for you to change babydoll. I’ll help.”

Chris is ushered upstairs, he changes fast. Knows there’s a statue to look at when he gets back down the stairs. They would never steal something boring. They only steal the best.

Tom is gone again when Chris exits the closet. The man is silent. Ron is too but you would never guess with how tall he is.

Chris stares at his diploma of law. Well. He’s definitely using it. Maybe for more crime related reasons then he originally thought but plans change. At least he can’t ever testify against his husbands and they can’t testify against each other. He can defend the hell out of them though.

“Baby come on food!” Chris snaps out of it to Ron’s call. He drags his finger across the Rodin that lives in the bedroom. “We’ll be back.”

#ron slider kerner #chris seresin #ron slider kerner x chris seresin #tom iceman kazansky #top gun #ron x chris x tom #tom x ron x chris #chris seresin x tom iceman kazansky #tom kazansky x ron kerner #criminal au #thieves au #cold meds are rushing my system #kidding I wish they were actually working and not just making me a little loopy #mac writes top gun

[restforthe-burdenedsoul]

I have my psych appointment tomorrow. Still not sure if I want to ask for anti depressants.

I haven’t felt this low in a while. Its def a mix between not having taken my anxiety meds and situational depression. The loneliness is really getting to me.

I haven’t matched with anyone on bumble in a while and the ones I was talking to all ghosted. I have little positive to say to my friends anymore so we also haven’t been talking much.

I have little positive to say here either. Or in this post.

Since M’s grandmother came to the states, i see less of him. The entire family unit relies on him. We were supposed to go shopping for apartment stuff tonight after he dropped her off midway to the aunts house. I was gonna go along on the ride because I didn’t wanna be home alone again for the umpteenth time in a row but she apparently got a flat tire and can’t meet him halfway.

So he’s now expected to drive her the full almost 2 hour (one way) drive because no one can watch her this week. And If he puts his foot down and says no, then I’ll REALLY be alone cause the responsibility of watching her will fall back on him.

I asked why couldn’t any of the cousins get her? They don’t drive and one is married. She’s married and her husband has a car, but they don’t dare disrupt them. So it’ll be M’s responsibility like always.

And not be a selfish bitch, but like, do they just forget he has a life too, that he’s almost married as well? That I get to see him maybe two hours a day? But by all means, don’t disrupt anyone else’s life.

I know he’s sick of it too. He’s worn out and gets zero time to himself. His days off are taken over by his family.

And I’m the opposite. Too much time by myself. I can’t find enough things to fill the space. So I just cry all the time now. I’m not eating much anymore. Still not losing weight despite not eating. It’s too damn hot to go outside and at least walk. He has my car when he’s helping out with his grandmom so I can’t go anywhere. Friends are busy and can’t do phone calls. My mom and I have nothing to say to each other even when I try to call. I don’t know what happened to my friend who lives in Florida and would actually make the drive here. And the other won’t make the drive and I haven’t been up to making the drive either lately.

I don’t know how to find a solution for this. Any boundary that could possibly be set literally just backfires onto him. No one wants to step up to help out. His mom watches her in the evenings (she was finally able to book a trip away because his aunt was taking her this week). The cousins helped for like 2 weeks and then stopped helping. The aunt leaves midway through her “shift” when M is off and then she’s alone for hours until either M comes over or his mom gets off work.

There’s been too many scares with his grandmom to leave her alone at this point. So I can’t even tell him to just leave her because what if she got hurt?

—-

This apartment feels a little better at least in the sense that there’s separation from my office. I don’t feel like I am always in my office anymore. The downstairs is huge, the bedroom is huge, and my office door is closed when I’m not working.

I’m just bummed because M and I were going out after we dropped his grandmom off and now I will just be here by myself instead. He should be home around 930/10. My friend said she’ll try to FaceTime me around 9.

—

Also adding that my car cannot fit three people. So even the times I’m off and would like to be with him and his grandmother, I cannot fit in my tiny “backseat”. Like I’d do the drive with them today but that’s over 3 hours. And I’m not trading my car In because they can’t get their ish together. He already traded his car in for a motorcycle to help out for other reasons and that was already a ridiculous thing to do. 🙄

[twinstarlovers]

Finally being alone. It’s been a whole year lol. Time to get back to myself lol but I hope you are good. I’ve been thinking about you here & there. I’m glad I got to live all last year for once in my life or be free. I wanna say it was good karma just coming back to me after all these years but I think this year it’s gonna be REAL good karma. Idk if I told you but I met this stranger at Olive Garden, she was a host but the person I was w asked what book she was reading & it was spiritual book & her & I just start talking or whatever & she was like she’s been looking for a spiritual buddy to go to sound baths w & shit & I’m like girl ME TF. She’s 30 LMFAO but you can tell she’s really in touch w her inner child. She’s also a leo lol. I texted her but we haven’t spoken much probably cus she’s busy or idk & idc but it was awakening that I needed to get back into my spirituality. I’ve also attempted to dye my hair purple. Literally nothing happened but I could see a bit & it was fire. Maybe soon but ima just go black in the meantime again cus whatever this color is I don’t like it. It’s like a brownish/red like nah bruh. Im tired of my natural hair lol. Anyways I have nobody & im here for it. My soul was itching to be alone for a while now. Im sober too yay for me. I’ve been drinking again too which is good. Like my body can handle it cus idk if you remember I told you I would get sick so I just stopped drinking altogether but yeah now I can drink so that’s good. I haven’t been smoking cus no. Mostly because I wanna be more stable emotionally & mentally or I wanna get used to be being alone cus high me intensifies my inner world so if I am not used to being alone or at peace I’m gonna be thinking of the past & the past is what I’m tryna let go of rn. I also stopped w tarot cards because I used them too much & I noticed they would go missing (probably cus of that lol) so I was like well it’s not necessary rn & I should be more present & i don’t care about knowing. I’ve also been itching to go to the gym but I need a push or that right moment but it’s been on my mind like crazy. Maybe tmr (February 1st). I’ve been more disciplined w money too! LMFAOOOOOOO one of my biggest issues lol. Spending is a part of who I am lol. Also I’ve already applied for financial aide cus yes tf cus I already made the decision to get my associates in social work. So idk let’s see if it’s even gonna manifest if not then maybe I’ll make my way around it anyways. I know im not meant to overwork & it’ll all turn out in my favor. I wish I was rich & could not work but volunteer to help people just cus. The whole making money for helping people just doesn’t sit right w me 😭 but I mean I guess it doesn’t matter when that’s my intention in the first place so money is a bonus. Pisces midheaven tingz 💁🏻‍♀️✨. Anyways I feel good tho kinda. In terms of feeling like I’m human or healing. Like not on meds, having good mental & emotional health & energy to be present for a job, having energy to go to school & the gym like idk I thought I was beyond damaged tbh that it wasn’t possible for me. I wanna cry LMFAO. This song in the back tho. I’m listening to my old playlist. I wanna get back into music againnn. But yeah I’m glad I’m doing better. Unfortunately it had to take this long but im glad I can be healthy to enjoy the rest of life. It’s like living for the first time. Being a teenager for the first time, being a kid for the first time, & being an adult for the first time as well. It feels super good to have them all in synch cus I thought I lost my teenage years. I mean I did when I was actually a teenager but at the end of the day those are just numbers & im still in touch w my inner teen so dying my hair & everything feels good like I’m living it now. Im so glad I haven’t gotten my tattoos yet like I’m glad everything is happening at the time it is. It’s not rushed. I wanted everything so early but then I see everyone having everything so early that they get so tired of it so quickly or doing things early that they are tired of it & it’s like not for me!

[creedslove]

hey mari bb sorry for the tmi, i need to say this but i got no one :((

i went home from uni for my 21st bday on the 3rd of this month, and came back to my dorm at the 8th bcs i had class. as soon as i’m back in my dorm i’m horribly sick :( had a sore throat for 2 days with cold sweat, then when my throat got better immediately i caught a horrible flu, it’s so bad my nose is very watery and i had to plug it up to lay down or else it’ll get everywhere on my bed :(( it’s so bad really, my nose and face were very raw and irritated i couldn’t even use my face wash :(( i took the strongest med i had for flu and it got better but now i got the runny nose and a horrible cough. like. it’s hard to even talk !! my throat is raw and i’m so tired and dizzy from coughingn all the damn time 😭😭😭 i tried everything !! over the counter cough syrups, drank warm water so much i pee like a leaking faucet 😭😭😭 but it’s still sore 😭😭

i was a very sick child from age 3-13 and for those 10 years i relied on very specific prescribed custom meds that came in little packets filled with powdered meds along with a strong syrup meds like it was so controlled the prescription is only for 2-4 weeks and once they’re up i’d go visit the hospital again and get new customized meds as well and only that one specific hospital can produce the med 😭😭 so over the counter stuff don’t do shit on me even the expensive patent ones 😭😭😭

and i’m soo frustrated bcs i have a deadline and my lecturer is already pushing and giving an ultimatum for it but i’m still horribly sick but i need to go see my doctor but i can’t because from my dorm he’s 7 hours away !! and i don’t trust the doctors available nearby here bcs usually they don’t care and would just give antibiotics and stuff (which you’re not supposed to consume so easily like that) and my mum’s busy taking care of my nasty grandma and i’m just 😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞 i wish my dad were still alive 😞😞😞😞😞 wish i had took the semester off 😞😞😞 i’m just sooo tired 😞😞😞 a lot of people in my class are very close to graduating with good GPAs and internship and an almost finished thesis… here i am still coughing my lungs out 😞😞

-jerk loving anon

OHHHH NO MY BABY!!

reading your ask made me so sad! I am so so so so so sorry you are going through that, my angel, you are such a lovely sweet anon and I wish I could do anything to help you! I totally get what you mean, in the beginning of the year I was so stressed and my immune system was down so I was constantly sick, so yeah, I know what you're going through 🫂

I know you don't like these nearby doctors, but maybe you should visit them in order to get a prescription? Antibiotics might be just what you need baby and I wish you would wake up feeling like a million bucks tomorrow 😭

Good luck in your deadline, I hope you manage to accomplish everything you need to in time, but at the same time you recover and that you prioritize your health! I'm here for you if you need to vent more, I wish any of the Pedro boys were around to help you my darling ❤️🫂 love you 💝💋

#ask #answered

[anyu-blue]

~

It was worse today, oddly. I got through. Convinced myself that using the 2 hours of protected time I have saved wasn’t worth using to go in later. Better to just work the whole day and get the pay. Normally the next day is better. I don’t feel as bad because I’ve slept and ebbed some of the pain away and it’s helped some part of my brain be okay too... but it wasn’t better. It was so hard to get through and I’m honestly surprised at how hard. My coworkers definitely could tell something was off and kept bugging me with mundane stuff just to talk and have me talk back. It was kind and I am grateful for their care in whatever capacity they can spare it. I used my earbuds and music to get my mind away as much as I could too... and still by the end of the day it wasn’t enough. I was in so much agony I refused to keep pushing to do the last two boxes where normally I would have tried. I took pain meds. I took extra kinds too and extra measures to avoid as much backlash as I could in all areas... still not enough. I’m a little worried that whatever that thing I had for so long that kept me going when I hit rock bottom is gone now. Cuz I’d fall so very, very far... lose all faith and hope.. and then suddenly I was ANGRY and then HAPPY because SPITE appeared out of nowhere and I had a new vigor and lease on life. .. I’m worried that won’t happen again... after my sister took everything out of me when we moved and with this tiredness only appearing to grow and grow... I don’t know that it’ll come to save me.. or if I’ll come to my own rescue like that again or whatever it is. I know leaving would hurt them.. those who claim to love me. I know. But, as ever... that little voice in the back of my head keeps telling me all the ways they took me for granted when I COULD provide their lives with something and they would absolutely be 100% fine without me. 99% of the people in my life don’t reach out first. They don’t reach out at all but are happy to tell me they’re disappointed I don’t reach out more... when I do and then am ignored, given the minimum of small talk, or am (rightfully) told they don’t have the time to be friendly at the moment. Life’s too busy for friends... especially strange ones that can’t seem to succeed in life like they have or are trying to. I have no interest in classes. I have no interest in memberships. I have very little interest in even going out especially because I’m much more comfortable wearing a mask wherever I go. I know a big part of that disinterest is because, well.. my health. Classes and gym memberships are supposed to be great to help with stuff like that... but when I get stressed in the right ways (or overdo it especially on accident from unexpected life stuff) my internals overwork and start attacking themselves, making it difficult to attend classes or make the memberships worth the cost if I can’t go/am glued to the porcelain throne and a diet not meant to help anything but get by- bare minimum for ease on system. It’s easier to not want to do it than deal with the struggles and the shame of not being able to show up... everyone everywhere gets tired of it eventually. I am trying to do what I can at home. I’m not just sitting on my ass... I still practice what Physical therapy I remember/have the sheets for... I got a small pedal bike to replace my big one I can no longer use thanks to the space issues (I’m playing with it under my desk as I type)... I like yoga when I have the energy for it. And walks. And I have invited people to go with me to the park (I don’t feel right being an adult going on my own so every ‘no’ makes me very sad, sadly).. I broke down and bought myself $160 shoes (I’m still freaking out.. TOO MUCH MONEY) to try and help with the pain so maybe I CAN just go and be on my feet on my own more outside of work... I know what foods to avoid and keep on hand to help myself, by myself... *sigh* ... but it’s just not good enough. It’s NEVER going to be good enough for anyone else. I’m told as long as it’s good enough for me that’s what matters... but I am already so alone... and I also know how bad that is. Loneliness can kill. And that not a soul does what I did for them for so long... not one of them sees how unfair it is that I HAVE to be the one to reach out/ask (legit told by my adopted parents that if I desire a relationship with them or my siblings at all *I* must be the one to reach out to them and plan events and work around their lives... I told them then and there that it works both ways. I will do it when I can... but if it is not returned, it will obviously stop. I am more a mirror now that I ever was. I give what I get. I do not have the energy to do it all anymore.... and I’m not given any by others to then give back to them).. and they never will first. It’s my fault... I had the energy at one point. I did it all. Worked multiple jobs so I could. Attended events, planned, got people together, tried and tried and tried and tried so hard for so many years to be heard and understood and to understand and I succeeded in understanding!! .... but I failed in being understood...and then I collapsed in on myself... I failed to have the energy to keep going... everyone tells me that even asking a fraction of what I did out of the kindness of my heart back is asking way too much. Not a soul can reciprocate. Not even remembering my favorite color... or date of birth... not even saving it in their phones. Well... they don’t have that energy for me. I see them doing it for others. People they love and enjoy the company of (and some they don’t but have reasons to want to impress or stay in good graces of)... and that’s where all their energy goes. Nothing left for weird ‘ol me. Because I’m too weird (and for some odd reason many believe horrid things my sister spewed to them that weren’t true then and haven’t been true since I was a literal child that didn’t know well enough. Or when she purposefully aggravated me into a state of distress so severe I was distraught... (and did they believe me when I told them she did it on purpose? That she liked doing it? Absolutely not. They still think I’m the one trying to manipulate the story/her when I made her tell them what she told me she was doing.) They can’t move past it... and nothing I’ve tried or done over the years has changed any of that because they likely think I have some sinister motive or a bomb waiting just under the surface of my skin. They literally won’t look at me. ... Honestly... this is actually reminding me of why I shouldn’t trust my sister at all. I’ve been the best I can be to her even after all the shit she’s done to me... but I don’t think I should relax and trust her. .. what an awful thing to say. And yet what kind of person does that? ... Someone who does and has fully admitted to hating every single part of me...) ... This too is a great example of why people can’t stand me. I can’t be short and sweet. Take up too much space and time- especially with words... especially with words they think has one meaning, but I know and use with another (dictionary definition- my special interest in words/what they mean)... why would people want to spare their energy if they think I’ll take up more than they want to give? And it seems, to me, that I only have anything interesting to say when life, well, sucks... because my hobbies are boring or confusing to them. My interests too niche. And who has time for things they can’t bond with people over? ... usually for them it’s TV shows, Video Games, Books, or Movies I can’t touch.... because they’re too violent and unpleasant for me. I try... and hate it and just get scoffed at for not liking it- never mind I’m happy they like it and I’m happy to listen... but, again... who has the energy to then turn around and listen to someone talk about something they have no idea of or any interest in? ... Life, for me... is filled with a lot of unfair imbalances. I do something for them... but never, EVER should I EVER ask them to do the same for me... (oh but I have to ask them to do it anyway or I’m the bad guy for not trying to engage them at all. I need to give them the chance to say ‘no’.. oh but also I can’t KEEP asking them to listen or reciprocate behaviors more than once per situation or topic because that’s just being an irritating pest) I’m preeetty convinced at this point every single one of them thinks one of the others will say ‘yes’ to me... or give back what I’ve given in some way, even if small, and that their contribution is not actually needed because someone else has got it... not realizing.. ALL of them are doing the same things... unknowingly... “someone else has the time/patience/desire to sit with Meek. Otherwise they wouldn’t be doing so well!! Someone else surely must have someone to listen to them and be kind!! Cuz I sure don’t/can’t!! And that’s okay!!”  (My sister SAYS she does it for me.. and she claims to do it WAY TOO MUCH... but in reality.. it’s once in maaaaybe 6 months at this point... and she lies and lies and lies. Blows it up to make me seem ungrateful. It’s awful to see her messages to people.) No... no I don’t... no one... but me... and it’s weighing on me so hard... because they ALL... all of them... has more than one other someone doing things for them.. remembering them... being kind... returning their favors. Friends AND family... not even one or the other.  Beautiful birthday and lesser holiday gifts and arrangements... Well wishes. Check-ins... invites... many from yours truly.. that I only include my sisters in because they feel bad for forgetting and/or don’t want to look bad... all the Holiday and Christmas gifts of last year... hundreds and hundreds of dollars (I went all out for Easter and I fought HARD for Halloween when they all PROMISED they’d plan it.. and didn’t), sure, but also thoughtful, personalized cards.. thinking of every single forgotten person I could... ALL OF THEM. Were from ME. Me ALONE. This year.... so far All the birthday gifts... Easter... everything.... save for Mother’s day for one person. ONE of the MANY who were kind to my sister!! She thought of (and spoiled) ONE. I fought to match the same for her husband for fathers day... I’m... I’m so tired. Not everyone like gifts, and I know that. Everyone has a different love language... I’ve learned SO MANY. .... not one wants to learn mine. Passes it off to the ‘next person (who also isn’t there)’... and I’ve gotten nothing back once I stopped providing all I could.. once, in their eyes, I suppose I stopped ‘earning’ my place in their lives. I have one friend who tries her best... I do. She does. But she also has an extremely hard life too. That she makes an effort is not lost on me. Not at all. I owe her my life in so many ways. I do everything every chance I get for her. She knows of my plight and my pain because I have asked, many, many times if feeling weird about a response or situation with context from both sides is wrong of me. She has never failed to be honest and, like.. SUUUUPER blunt with me. I’ve been in the wrong a few times... but for the most part... I have not been wrong for feeling so god damn IGNORED and taken for granted and... lonely. One person does not loneliness or abandonment cure, as kind as they may be when they can be. Especially if compared to literally every other person these people make these damn efforts for EXCEPT me.. aaaaand the people they’re happy to tell me all about how much they hate so they won’t do stuff for even if that person is ‘playing nice’.... I don’t think people realize how much they actually just.. don’t care for me or my presence.. if they don’t outright hate me. I haven’t always been pleasant.. I know I’m not being pleasant NOW. .. and that this is what is here for everyone to see... But I tried. So hard. For so long. To appear to be doing well. I tried to redirect my thoughts and entire being to being content and happy and fulfilled and I tried to share that with everyone. Not even in hopes of them sharing my joy, but in hopes of not dragging them down. and still... for all that effort... call me ungrateful. Go right ahead. Call me expectant. Call me selfish... Not one whom I devoted all that they asked of me to... gave anything back. I’ve said before I’ve devoted my time to the wrong people... obviously I have. They’re who is here. They’ve asked me to.. told me to sometimes as well. And still... to whom CAN I devote it all to and be treated like a worthy being in return?  My father has asked it of him... and yet I know that isn’t going to go a good direction either because I can’t stand his religion or his idea that well... I’m not trying hard enough. He fully believes I am capable of holding down a full time job, doing my hobbies, going to outings, being as ever helpful as I am, and making it entirely on my own just as he did..... when no matter how I try to tell him and show him I am not capable of that.. That I am currently at my absolute limit and pushing it every day... he will not listen. I am autistic... with autoimmune conditions... severe trauma and depression... in a climate that is demanding way too much of people. *snorts* actually... I think that’s many peoples’ problem with me right there. All these invisible issues... They see a perfectly healthy person standing before them and can’t fathom why I say I’m struggling when I also only ‘have’ to work 3 days a week... they don’t see the pain.. and I can’t actually show them the damage... and if I show any symptoms at all.. well I must be doing it for attention because I was ‘just fine before’. ... instead of realizing just how good I got at hiding it... or even just how used to the complaining and their own simple irritation at it if I ‘wasn’t going to do jack-shit about it’... when I was.. and they did nothing to help. (I also wonder how many are hiding behind their ignorance to avoid guilt. cuz I SUFFERED.. and was literally beaten for being in pain... while my siblings were brought to doctors and specialists and given everything to make sure they were okay).. I got the diagnosis on my own... multiple times over... I’ve had the x-rays and ultrasounds and antibiotics and medications and at one point I shared every. single. one. of. them. Publicly. To PROVE I’m not... not... unworthy. Faking... vying for something I don’t deserve. And.. it changes nothing... to them.. all of them.. I’m unworthy. ..eheh... I can’t tell you how many of them would spew vile and venom at me for using that word... planting that definition on their actions. But it is literally what they show me every. single. time.

#Personal #random #ignore me #negative #I'm in a bad spot #I'm in a bad state #and I don't think anyone would miss me enough to make staying worth it for them #I'm trying to find ways of making my own life worthwhile #but all on your own when you need others... I'm not finding much fulfilment #trying trying trying #I'm trying #trying to convince myself I don't need anyone but me.. but It's not true for almost ANY human being #we need people #we are a communal species #and I'm dying of neglect #perhaps it'll end with my own hand #I don't know #I... I just don't know