#maybe... maybe tomorrow i will scribble it... | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

darkficsyouneveraskedfor · 20 hours

Text

the girl next door 6

Warnings: this fic will include elements, some dark, such as age gap, manipulation, chronic illness, noncon/dubcon, coercion, and other untagged triggers. Please take this into account before proceeding. It is up to curate your online consumption safely.

Summary: A new neighbour moves in and upends your already disarrayed life.

Author’s Note: Please feel free to leave some feedback, reblog, and jump into my asks. I’m always happy to discuss with you and riff on idea. As always, you are cherished and adored! Stay safe, be kind, and treat yourself.

This lewk but silverfox

You can’t remember the last time you had the house to yourself. Even if your mother’s just next door, it feels a little lighter around there. And you’re happy for her. Maybe having Steve around will be good. He can be an outlet so she doesn’t have to put all her frustrations on you.

She was happy when she left, even excited. That’s another rarity in your life.

You start your day off with a tea. The apple cinnamon bags are a bit old so you use two. You bring the cup into your room and get your table set up with your pencils and sketchbook. You open the window to let in the sunlight, the natural light much brighter than the yellowed bulb above.

You know your mom would tell you to do something more useful than just scribble in your sketchbook. You got the dishes done last night. Steve offered to help but you deflected as you foresaw your mom’s disapproval. You can’t let company pick up your slack.

You try to wipe away the anxiety of last night. It’s over now. You shouldn’t have worry very much about it again.

You finish your tea. It’s cold by the time you get to the dregs. You sit back to look over your sketch. Your eyes feel a bit fuzzy from hyperfocusing on that one stamen. You rub your brow and yawn. The sun shifts and you look over at the old alarm clock on your nightstand. It’s close to noon.

Something else catches your eye. You look up at the window across from yours. The curtain ripples around the gap before it’s pulled open from inside. Steve stands on the other side of the pane. Can he see you?

You can’t tell as he turns away without acknowledgement. The glare of the sun should hide your room well enough. You never really thought of it as your blinds are closed more often than not.

You get up to rinse out your cup. You stretch your legs as you pace in the kitchen. You’re restless. You’re so used to your mom and her demands and expectations, that having your own time feels aimless.

You could surprise your mother with dinner. Have it in the oven when she comes home. It’s still early but you can make something more than boxed macaroni. It will be a good cushion to fall back on when you remind her about tomorrow’s appointment.

🏠

When your mother returns, you can see the fatigue around her eyes. For as little as she goes out, you’re not surprised. What strikes you, is how happy she is. You help her to her recliner and she sighs as she leans back.

“Such a nice man,” she keeps repeating.

You smile and let her regale you with a recounting of her day. Still, you can’t help but wait for the pendulum to swing back to normal. She leans her head in her hand, her eyes distant.

“I swear, the universe sent him to me,” she says, “it had to. It was how much I need someone.” She drops her hand and traces her finger around the armrest, “sick, got a lazy daughter, stuck in this damn house...”

There it is. You frown. You mash your hands together and waver.

“I made dinner,” you offer.

“I don’t want KD,” she snips.

“I made... I made shepherd’s pie,” you offer meekly, “should be almost done.”

“Hm, wondered what that stench was.”

You frown. “I can put it in the fridge for tomorrow. Be good to have something we can just heat up after the doctor’s.”

“Doctor?” She grumbles, “eh... I forgot.”

She slumps and her eyes dull. You can’t help the pang in your chest. Sometimes you wish it was you who was sick. It feels like you deserve it more than her.

“Hopefully it’s good. If you can get the surgery--”

“Surgery!? Surgery. You keep going on about the damn thing,” she barks. “They can’t fix me, girl, get that through your head.”

“I know, mom, but they can help--”

“Like you help me? Crittering around here like a rat!” She hits the armrest violently, “would ya leave me be?” She closes her eyes and turns her face away, deflating once more, “ruined a good day...”

You sniffle and slowly turn on your heel. You should have known better. You should have just left her alone. As much as she rants about you staying in your room, she prefers you there. Out of sight, out of mind.

🏠

The next day, your mother doesn’t say much. Her silence is just a bitter as her words. You don’t push it. She gets in the car without argument and you set off into town. Even if she says it’s a waste of time, she listens intently to the doctor and answers all his questions. It’s only when she has to go through the tests that she shows her agitation.

After some hours spent at the specialist clinic, you’re free to go. Your mom is just as quiet. You feel her mood roiling in the air. Her hand is shaking to the point that she’s hissing at it.

You steer down to the corner and linger at the stop sign.

“Mom,” you squeak, “you want some orange julius? A treat for the way home?”

“Don’t talk to me like a damn child,” she snarls. “Let’s just go. I’m tired. Got no blood left in me.”

You nod and bite your tongue. Maybe you can just put her to bed. Her naps are a respite, though you find yourself anxious in the silence, terrified of waking her prematurely.

As you pull onto the suburban avenue, you slow and approach your drive. You pull in and shut off the engine. You get out and go around to help your mom. You open her door and she hauls herself out, tisking under her breath.

“Didn’t see him,” she mutters.

“Good afternoon,” Steve’s voice answers your question before you can ask. You look over the hood as he waves from his porch, “busy day?”

Your mother steels herself and forces a smile, “just went to the doctors.”

“Oh, everything okay?” He asks.

“Sure,” she chimes, “just some tests. Nothing serious.”

“Good to hear,” he stands behind the porch railing, arches crossed, “day’s not over yet. Still lots of time to enjoy the sun.”

“Mhmm,” you mom grabs onto your wrist, shaking you as leans into you. “Nice day out.”

“I was gonna do up a milkshake, if you ladies wanted to join me I got plenty to go around.”

“Milkshakes?” Your mother considers, “mm, I’d have to change out of these.” She looks down, “smell like a hospital.”

“Sure, take your time,” Steve says, “how about you, honey? I got strawberry. You seem like a strawberry type.”

“Eh, she’s more a vanilla type,” your other cackles. “Plain.”

“Got that too,” Steve ignores the joke. “I understand if you’re tired out though. Don’t wanna be too desperate over here, just wouldn’t mind the company.”

“I’ll be over soon,” your mom assures him, “she’s got some laundry to do.”

She keeps hold of you and points you towards the house. You help her inside, even though she does her best to hid how she clings to you. Her steps are uneven and stunted. You get through the front door and help her sit on the chair you keep by the door, just in case.

“Goddamnit,” she’s shaking pretty bad. “Help me, you dumb girl.”

“I... I don’t...”

“Get my goddamn inhaler. I forgot it this morning.”

“Oh, uh, okay.”

You hurry down the hall and to bathroom. It isn’t in the cabinet. You go back out and scan the table. Not their either. You find it next to her recliner. You wish she’d keep it one place. You go back to her and hand it over.

“I’m gonna go over,” she says before she huffs from the canister, “you’re gonna stay here. Out of my way.”

“Alright,” you agree. You prefer that anyway.

She takes a minute before she gets up. She shooes you away and you retreat to your bedroom. You sit on your bed and wring your hands, waiting as you listen to her. She doesn’t say goodbye before she leaves. Only the front door slamming lets you know she’s gone.

You exhale and pull the fold out table up to the edge of the bed. You open your sketchbook and stare at the pencil. You don’t feel like drawing but you have nothing else to do. You just sit, looking at the amaryllis. You can pick out every flaw in your work. You close the cover and frown.

A knock startles you and you stand up. Oh gosh, it’s probably Marge. What is it now? Is the siding too stained? Are the steps crooked? You get up and shuffles down the hall. You open the front door, hiding behind it as you poke your head around.

Steve has the screen door propped open against his elbow. He holds a tall glass filled with pink, “here. Figured I’d bring this over.”

“Oh, uh, thanks,” you accept the condensating glass, a wide straw poking out of the whipped cream topped drink.

“Maybe next time you can pop over too,” he suggests, “I’ve been working on getting the pool going...” he grins, “it’ll be a good summer for it.”

You nod and look down at the milkshake.

“Really nice of you,” you say.

“It’s nothing, sweetie,” he puts his hand on the door above him, looking down at you, “enjoy.”

“Uh,” you look at him then at the straw. You don’t want to be rude. You put your lips around the tip and take a sip. “Mm, yup, good. Thank you.”

His blue eyes stick to you and he drags his hand down the door, “I’ll make a deal. You come over to see the pool when it’s ready, and I’ll make you another. How about that, sweetie?”

You push your lips out. It’s not nice to say no. He didn’t have to bring you the milkshake or invite you. You shrug.

“Okay,” you agree, “erm, thanks again.”

He nods and taps the door frame before he steps back. He gently closes the screen door and you watch him through. He turns and strides down the stairs. You shiver as the cold glass numbs your fingers. Hopefully, he forgets about the pool thing. You don't even have a suit.

#steve rogers #dark steve rogers #dark!steve rogers #steve rogers x reader #drabble #series #au #silverfox au #the girl next door #mcu #marvel #captain america

146 notes · View notes

carnivalcarriondiscarded · 9 months

Text

ok no im so tired but ive had this Thing a Laughingstock Concept Thing in my Brain for Days Now and its.... basically what if Barnaby adopted a lil caterpillar. like it's not sapient or anything its literally A Wriggly Puppet Prop. but he finds it in his home and it reminds him of Howdy and he keeps it. he carries it everywhere. he treats it so tenderly and names it and everything. his delusional smitten subconscious is like "omg... mine & howdy's <3" he and Howdy are not even together at this point

so Barnaby cares for this lil caterpillar and Howdy ends up getting attached as well, because he's on the same shit as Barnaby. and eventually the lil caterpillar pupates, and they watch over the chrysalis So Excited to see what lil wormie will look like as a butterfly. and it emerges and they're so proud and weirdly emotional. the butterfly takes off on its first flight and lands on a flower patch

just in time for Eddie to trip and fall on the patch, instantly crushing it And the butterfly

#in my mind eddie is all 'oh man :( thank goodness frank wasnt around to see that' and then goes about his business #completely missing howdy & barnaby watching on In Horror off to the side #not lil wormie... no....#also in my mind lil wormie looks like the fuckn. Adorable worm from sesame street #oscars little friend i think? the cutest little thing in the world? the little red wormie? yeah....#but im feeling very Tender about bigass dog barnaby toting around this teensie weensie lil worm thing #treating it with utmost care and affection #big characters caring for absolutely tiny thing kills me every fucking time #bury me shallow... ill be back to die again....#absolutely unprompted #laughingstock #ohhhh my god im not even gonna say how i almost butchered the laughingstock tag #sometimes i type letters in the wrong order or add an extra one. that would have been so unfortunate but Deeply Hilarious #ANYWAY LIL WORMIE IS AN ESTABLISHED THING IN MY MIND AND I DONT KNOW WHY #maybe... maybe tomorrow i will scribble it...#also to be clear the events of this post all happen within a week or two.#it is a brief shining Worm Time #ok going to bed now officially. im going #wait no i have to complain about something ive done to myself hold on #so i really like reeses puffs cereal yeah? but the problem is it cuts up my mouth to hell and back and makes eating anything a Pain #tried to eat sauerkraut tonight... it burned... the roof of my mouth is so scraped up...#i Will be eating another bowl when i wake up tho. its too tasty. i can take the annoyance that is minor pain. i have a high tolerance <3 #can i easily Not eat it? yeah. but i dont want to stop. nothing will stop me. its a jumbo box. i Will Finish It.#anyway wormie <3 gonna go think about her <3

87 notes · View notes

sea-jello · 9 days

Text

ALOS 200 DTIYS!!

@morrogatari HOLY FUCKING SHIT IM FINALLY DONE HERE IT IS CONGRATULATIONS ON 200 OKAY TIME TO YAP

its not as interesting or dynamic as the one i showed you earlier but okay let me explain this. so i have her holding her hands up to her eyes in the see no evil gesture right BUT you see how shes still looking through her fingers BECAUSE you also said she still sees everything. boom best of both worlds or whatever. i wanted to add the blindfold so i sorta have it covering her mouth alluding to the speak no evil gesture?? idk i just wanted the funky eye blindfold. i tried to make it look directly at you AND shes also looking directly at you cause she sees everything,, you see what i did there,, uuhuuhhh you see. i dont really have an explanation for the glowing eyes in the bg i just thought they would be cool and i did end up covering her dogs i aint learning how to draw bare dogs. i also tried to make it a sort of higher angle her robe and the hair behind her is spread out on the floor i hope that came through. one thing im unexplainably proud of is the chains LOOK AT THEM

AND THE FABRIC SHADING I THINK I CAME IN CLUTCH its a little messy cause i could not find a reference for the LIFE OF ME anyways more versions below of course

no shading and without the black hands and legs cause lowkey i forgot they were darker until the end

also look at what i was fucking doing with the rendering. i don’t know where i learned this from but i set it to overlay (the orangey one) and i just put more green over top

AND in true jello fashion

here’s my camera roll 💀

#IM SO SERIOUS WHEN I SAY I WAS JUMPING UP AND DOWN CAUSE I WAS DONE #GRAAHAHAHHHH ITS NOT EXACTLY THE VISION PERFECTLY BUT ITS STILL NOT BAD HEY #ive been working on this for. how long #a month maybe right when you posted it when was that #to be fair i hammered out a good portion of it in like two days and then didnt touch it for weeks #like last time lmao #i dont know anything about the fic so unfortunately i cant hide more references in there #i got nothing to say in the tags this time ive already yapped everything out #CONGRATS AGAIN ALO!! BIG TWO ZERO ZERO #i have another math quiz tomorrow lmao #ninjago #lego ninjago #the preeminent #ninjago the preeminent #ninjago dtiys #alo200dtiys #eyes cw #idk just in case #jellos scribbles

36 notes · View notes

todayisafridaynight · 6 months

Text

#rgg #yakuza series #ryu ga gotoku #ryu ga gotoku 7 #yakuza like a dragon #yakuza 7 #ryo aoki #masato arakawa #snap sketches #i like drawin exaggerated goofy stuff like this when im dicked enough to do so.. very fun..#i dont want to sleep yet but i also dont have the energy to start another comm but i still want to do SOMETHING awake #i was actually scribbling sawashiro in. whatever goofy style i was drawing in LOL #but i just felt inclined to doodle aoki and it just so happened the one doodle i did was somethin i liked 🧍‍♂️#so here we are. with colors that scream I Wish I Didnt Have Eyes To Look At These Colors #ok im gonna lay in bed i have. ANOTHER quiz tomorrow #bye bye im optimistic this week. thats a dangerous sign but lets just roll with it until something bad happens :]#if i make sufficient progress in my commission tomorrow then maybe y0 stream

70 notes · View notes

wikiangela · 6 months

Text

fuck it friday

tagged by @daffi-990 @thewolvesof1998 @giddyupbuck 💖💖

finally back with alive shannon! still not done with the conversation I'm stuck at, but just left it for now and gonna circle back later (and I can't even begin to tell you how much it bothers me that i'm not writing in order now omg) but small progress is happening so yaay! haha here's something from ch3 - buck's pov - it's a longer snippet that I literally just wrote so it's rough but it's something at least haha

prev snippet

___

“Buck!” Christopher exclaims, noticing him first, and he hears rapid footsteps and crutches hitting the floor.

“Hey- shoes!” Eddie sighs heavily, and Buck just knows he’s shaking his head.

“Hey, bud.” Buck smiles, finally turning away from the TV, giving Chris a hug. “How was school?”

“Okay.” he shrugs. “Hi, mom.” Chris adds, turning towards Shannon to give her a hug as well. “How are you feeling?” he asks quietly, concern in his voice, and Buck’s heart melts. From the look on Shannon’s face, so does hers.

“Better.” she smiles, running her hand through his curls with the softest expression on her face, just full of pure love. Buck’s so happy they get to have this, both Christopher and Shannon, that they get this time together they so obviously needed and missed. “Buck’s been keeping me company while waiting for you.” she adds, grinning at Buck.

“What are you guys watching?” Eddie comes closer and sits in the chair, gesturing for Christopher to come over to him, and then helps him out of his shoes. He’s glancing at the TV, probably trying to guess if he knows the show.

“It’s just this telenovela your abuela was obsessed with a couple years ago.” Shannon shrugs, lowering the volume. They’ll have to rewind and see everything they’ve missed. Or maybe look it up and start from the beginning. Buck’s invested already, and she’s fun to watch with, and maybe if they bond over that, things will feel less awkward. “There’s reruns.”

“You’re watching telenovelas?” Eddie looks up at Buck, then at Shannon, and back at Buck, frowning. “Without me?” he pouts, sounding half-teasing. He keeps looking between them, almost nervously. Is he worried that they won’t get along or something? Ridiculous. Buck can get along with anyone if he wants to – well, almost – and he’s gonna try here, for sure – it’s Chris’ mom, he has to.

“Sorry.” Buck chuckles, leaning back against the couch. Eddie finishes helping Chris and stands up again, while the boy takes a seat between Shannon and Buck, grinning from ear to ear. He scoots closer to Shannon, carefully cuddling into her side, her arm coming up around him. “You wanna watch with us?”

“Uh, I’d love to, but dinner won’t make itself.” Eddie moves to go towards the kitchen, but then stops and hesitates. “Uh, Buck-”

“Ugh, you’re gonna cook?” Christopher wrinkles his nose. “Can’t we order something again?”

“My cooking isn't that bad.” Eddie says, mock-offended, crossing his arms. “Right?” he looks at Buck, and then Shannon. Buck winces and takes in a sharp breath, while Shan wrinkles her nose – and Buck sees such resemblance between her and Chris in that moment – but neither says anything. “Unbelievable.” Eddie shakes his head, and Buck and Shannon look at each other over Christopher’s head and crack up. They might be on the same wavelength, that’s good. Teasing Eddie is another common ground, it seems like. “We had take out last night, and the night before, and before that all the food people brought over after-” he pauses, swallowing hard, still not able to talk about the accident, about almost losing her. He told Buck about his abuela and tía, and Bobby, and even Hen and Karen, and some other people from the station bringing some food so he doesn’t have to bother cooking while taking care of Shannon. “Well, what’s left is in the freezer, and I wanted to do something nice and cook, but maybe I’ll just defrost something.” he sighs, defeated, but there’s a small smile playing on his lips. “That okay, boss?” he adds, emphasizing the last word and looking at his son with a raised eyebrow.

“Yes.” Christopher nods, then bursts into giggles.

“Fine.” Eddie turns and starts walking towards the kitchen. “Buck, you coming with me?”

“You need help defrosting? Wow, you are helpless.” he says, winking at Chris, who just laughs again, but then gets up anyway, following Eddie – who’s at the kitchen door already, and flips him off.

___

no pressure tags: @elvensorceress @gayarthur @diazass @thebravebitch @silentxxsoul @shortsighted-owl @eddiebabygirldiaz @arthursdent @diazblunt @911onabc @eddiediaztho @housewifebuck @lover-of-mine @gayhoediaz @rogerzsteven @watchyourbuck @hoodie-buck @monsterrae1 @hippolotamus @ladydorian05 @forthewolves @honestlydarkprincess @wildlife4life @spotsandsocks @eowon @theotherbuckley @weewootruck @thewolvesof1998 @disasterbuckdiaz @spotsandsocks @jesuisici33 @callaplums @loserdiaz @disasterbuckdiaz @fortheloveofbuddie @underwater-ninja-13

#fuck it friday #the alive shannon fic #shannon diaz #buddie wip #buddie fic #wikiangela writes #my writing #angst #fic snippet #my wips #didn't write much today tbh and need to go to sleep soon bc i work tomorrow #but just scribbled this so decided to share - maybe it'll help inspire and motivate me lol #(also side note bc im excited - didn't write today but almost finished a crochet teddy bear and it's turning out so cute!! haha)#(lowkey buck getting into crocheting fic when lol - omg did I just have a new idea 🤦😩 lol)#anyway why do i always ramble in those tags lmao

63 notes · View notes

huidol · 5 months

Text

surviving romance spoilers :)

it's best to forget about all the things that are important 🐍

#surviving romance #surviving romance spoilers #se-eun ham #ham se-eun #se-eun #scribbling poltergeist #junior's magic paintbrush #ok tags done hi #unreality #maybe?#whatever. HI.#this was so fun. ugh #I LOVE ART #go read surviving romance if you havent. its so good. i prommy. middle finger emoji #probably gonna remove the read more tomorrow but right nnow idc because im going bed. bye.

46 notes · View notes

tazmiilly · 1 year

Text

I have nothing new for friday so you may have an out of context fiddleford washing dishes doodle

#scribbles #gravity falls #fiddleford mcgucket #fatigue is still kicking my ass but maybe if things go well i will attempt to draw tomorrow......#i keep only drawing a little bit and then stopping #which has created like 3 random scribbles of ford and no one else

273 notes · View notes

jade-of-mourning · 9 months

Text

update — did not draw lydia nor edvin, but instead spontaneously shat out a pair of dangerous axe lunatics*: ulf and wulf

(i would like to point out that wulf is on the left and ulf is on the right though. the distinction is really important i swear)

(full scribble ft. the axes under the cut as well as some of my many brain thoughts regarding the twins)

jesper | edvin

why is the internet so deprived of pictures of people holding axes. i couldn't find a single functional reference photo also ignore the part where the axes are massively oversized and non-proportional and generally extremely wack. they're literally buff idc about Reality blah blah

*i don't remember who first called them dangerous axe lunatics but i think it's genius and i hope you don't mind me stealing the description

nyway

in my brain, wulf is more outwardly unhinged but ulf has more of a borderline-sadistic streak to him. like, ulf generally has more chill and is less likely to start a fight due to petty provocation (read: wulf will fight without hesitation if someone says shit about ulf or the herons), but if he does start a fight, it's Really not going to end well for the person on the other end of his axe. wulf will cleave your head off if he finds enough of a reason to, while ulf will break your fingers before cleaving your head off — but usually for good reason.

wulf has a stronger sense of duty towards ulf as an individual than he does towards the crew, while ulf is the opposite. both of them go for outrageous arguments shamelessly pulled out of the ass, but while wulf is more likely to be genuinely baffled by ulf's claims, ulf is more likely to fall into a wormhole of trying to actually disprove wulf's claims. i swear there's a difference but they still have an equal tally of losses in stupidity, and ulf's love of philosophy/aspiration to be an art connoisseur has not helped him win shit. oh also wulf likes flowers and chickens and is best friends with stefan idk why it just makes sense

in short, both are dumbasses, but they are also two individual dumbasses and flanagank is too lazy to make a consistent distinction most of the time. i don't think he's ever met an actual pair of twins before in his life tbh. also wulf is on the left and ulf is on the right

#brotherband #brotherband chronicles #lychee's trash art #ulf and wulf #dunno if i'll clean this up tbh. maybe i'll scribble all ten of them like this #okay make that an almost-definitely-won't-clean-this-up #i'm sorry for having so many brain thoguhts beneath the cut #i was thinking about them too much and seething about the interchangeability flonkerton treats them with #so then i decided it would be a good time to spit out art #one sitting art is always bad in retrospect but one sitting art is most likely to be completed #i kinda just decided to on the spot bam it's OVER school's starting tomorrow and i want to cry <33 #brotherband fanart

35 notes · View notes

somegrumpynerd · 26 days

Text

I had such big ambitions about this comic being all coloured and shaded and fancy but now that I've coloured exactly one page I am rethinking that shading thing

#Charlie Stuff #I just hate shading so much I'm sorry #I don't know how light works or where it is #If I just add glow where stuff is glowing is that fine?#I feel like that might be fine #I usually only scribble on certain colours so this is baby steps out of my habits #I'm trying to do backgrounds and everything okay I deserve to be lazy on this part #Also the context of me torturing Killer will be done tomorrow maybe?#We'll see how distracted I am by animal crossing and nintendogs but hopefully tomorrow!

18 notes · View notes

hanyusan · 1 year

Text

GIFT

My delayed emotions are catching up to me. At last, I feel overwhelmed. Lack of sleep might be amplifying a little bit. I tried to nap at intermission and sleep after. For adrenaline-related reasons, that did not happen. Worth it.

Yuzu is someone who prefers to express himself through art versus relying on speaking. When you see what he has to say, you don't filter through it like you would if he were to use words alone.

For precisely that reason, his skating feels distinct from that of his peers'. Even if you can't decipher the details, his skating is alive. It declares, it shouts, it smiles; sometimes it cries. At times, it overflows with satisfaction. At others, it brews with frustrated determination. In the final years of his competitive career, it shrouded itself in a solemn fighting spirit. GIFT defined itself through all these raw and honest emotions paired with simple yet poetic voiceovers and a dramatic array of visual effects, dance, and (of course) live music. Yuzu promised an ice "show." A fantastic show was exactly what he delivered.

Though Yuzu doesn't shy away from sharing his emotional state, he's also an incredibly private person. While his wisdom makes itself obvious based on what he chooses to tell the public and when (...and how), a lot more of it exists in what he keeps to himself.

Most of us know that he goes through hard times. It's impossible that he doesn't. Even if not because of the glare of the public eye, his toughness on himself must weigh down heavier at certain moments. Yet he successfully hides a large extent of it. When it was literally "amateur" hour, he would disappear for months at a time and then abruptly reappear at competitions, only to vanish again immediately after. Unless he deigned to mention it afterwards, no one knew what was happening in those weeks when he transformed into the elusive animal of nature documentaries.

As worrying as it was, I also like it to this day. I like that he circumvents the obligation to report his every move. I like that he only talks about things when he feels like it, and then with as few or many words or anime references as he desires. I like that he opened zero social media accounts until he needed them for work, because of course he would. Maybe it hits close to home. I often feel pressured to share my problems with people so they can make me "feel better," even if I'm not ready. That uninvited breach of boundaries usually prompts a horrible spiral of suffering. I like that he felt okay closing himself off.

Today, Yuzu filled GIFT with his entire heart, strife with all of the agony and internal turmoil that he's battled. And I like that he felt safe enough to be vulnerable and tell everyone that he's had a hard time. That he once felt deterred by the circumstances from continuing what he loved. That later, when his love wavered due to different circumstances, he tried to force himself to still find it enjoyable. There comes a point where, no matter how deep your love for something, one day you'll feel as if you're merely going through the motions. It's scary. You defined yourself by your passion for so long. How could it just go away? What are you if it goes away?

Part of me harbors the naive wish that he never had to endure such pain. It's paradoxical. To be tormented by such philosophical questions, you first have to be the type of person who would want to seek and create answers. And that type of person, someone who is pensive and caring, is always who deserves the inevitable pain the least. That's who Yuzu is—someone who won't take the easy way out.

Like life, skating challenges him in an unfair and persistent fashion. As this road continues to taunt him, I wish for him the tenacity to walk it and the inner peace to stray from it should he ever want to. I hope that when he's alone, he can remind himself not to feel lonely. And if he still does, I hope he can remember how many people love him and feel even a little bit better until he can get back on his feet. He is an undying phoenix, sinking into ashes with the promise of rising again. As many times as it takes.

Yuzu, you gathered so many talented people to your side tonight to put on an amazing production. I cannot fathom the amount of time, precision, and innovation it must have taken you and your entire team to complete it. I won't lie. Your seemingly insatiable hunger for bigger and better things can be frightening at times. Yet I adore the unbridled glee on your face when you succeed in grabbing what it is that you reach for.

ありがとうございました！

P.S. Take that, 4S. Little punk of a jump had it coming.

#yuzuru hanyu #gift #scribbles*#ri chats #imma sit down to breakfast and cry probably #maybe i can take a sick day tomorrow and deal with it like a healthy person

99 notes · View notes