#my back hurts let me have the stupid

[spilledkaleidoscope]

Look man, you know, yeah

#my back hurts let me have the stupid #disco doodle #disco sapphics #Kim Kitsuragi #harry du bois #harrier du bois #my art

[bread-tab]

"stop making [media] your whole personality"

ah... okay. yes. so.

first off:

there's this neurodivergent thing, where you use an interest as a filter for processing the world.

for some people that is called a "special interest," for others with different needs it is more of a "hyperfixation;" there are far more variations than i (or the field of psychology) know how to describe now. if you want to understand the difference there are people who can explain those variations better than me. but i can tell you what it feels like.

you discover something.

it doesn't matter what it is; you find something that speaks to you, something you can connect to, and it becomes a bubble of safe habitat from which you can rest from and explore and connect to all the other parts of this strange chaotic world.

a source of joy. a source of illumination.

it's like you're a person who has lived all their life in dark caves and you find something that glows.

these interests can be anything.

(literally anything; i personally derive meanings that you could never imagine from ✨ drainage ditches. ✨)

but very often, they are stories. tv shows, books, movies, comics, songs, podcasts, minecraft improv streams, cartoons, web serials, whatever

these things are:

tangible. you can hold them in your hands, replay them, turn on the subtitles, take screenshots, read the sheet music

and yet

real. they form a genuine connection from your (isolated, untranslatable) internal world to other (formerly unknowable) people and the rest of the universe

they create meaningfulness

and they exist because humans find these incredibly effective soul-deep ways of communicating to one another.

now, appreciating stories, that's not a neurodivergent thing. that's a human thing.

the point of relevance here is that experiencing an extreme love for stories is a neurodivergent thing.

it's a very common neurodivergent trait which often gets mocked, portrayed as childish, and used as a pretext for infantilization and bullying.

(and it is also a trait of young people in general, to take stories very seriously in a way that looks silly to adults, and that is something that many people (regardless of age) try to bully out of each other.

what good is that doing anyone?)

"stop making [x] your whole personality"

listen, you. get down off that goddamn embankment and climb down into this ditch with me. dip your toes in this oily water. watch the stars and city lights ripple into constellations you've never seen

now look me in the eye

you need to understand that no matter what lowbrow, cringey, problematic or otherwise not-to-your-tastes drivel you might be complaining about today,

you are talking about the phenomenon of creativity

you are talking about a transcendent catalyst of human emotion

and yes that includes the overmilked disney franchises, it includes the formulaic shippy fanfictions, it includes whatever brightly-colored cartoon this website is obsessed with this year (and will be having incredibly dramatic meltdowns over next year), it includes the cheesy action movies and the fanservicey anime and the badly-designed video games and the milquetoast tiktok "literature", it includes the indistinguishable scribbles of some random five-year-old and/or famous fine artist and/or precocious elephant

i get it. you care about real life and touching grass and shit. you have taste. just take the stilts off your horse for a second, okay?

i know you're probably sick of "let people like things" discourse

i would just like for you to stop for a second and take a deep breath, and let the stench of whatever is in this mud puddle wash over you (yeah i know, ew, but you'll be fine) and consider

what is so bad about having a cringey personality, anyway?

and maybe you will think better of making "stop making [some silly moment in the universe] your personality" into your personality and maybe you will come off as a little bit less of a snob/ableist/ass and maybe you will have a slightly better outlook on life among humans.

that's all. yeah you can get out of the gutter now. thank you for coming to my ted talk—

ooh wait, look, a bottle cap

#''let people like things'' is not enough #let people find joy in the mundane stupid shit of life goddamn you #rant #*waves hands inarticulately* your sprouts! #protect your sprouts #idk if i'm making sense #i failed literature 101 three times for this #fuck it #maybe this is the semester i go back and pass that goddamn class #long post #actuallyautistic #adhd feels #neurodivergent breadtab #ableism #and that thing i don't know what to call it #where the intellectuals and the anti-intellectuals are fighting and it makes my head hurt because they're both missing part of the picture #and for me that part whatever it is it's foundational #sleep deprived #i have more to say about drainage btw #unfortunately it's more of a ''rotating in my mind'' kind of interest so it might not #make sense #per se #however i could probably get more poetic about this considering the thing I'm rotating in my mind is the sum and substance of how #humanity intersects with the water cycle of the entire earth #in summary: woder

[katasstrophy]

okay but what if the only reason rin and sae are (forced against their will) to be (somewhat) civil with each other in their adult years is because their gfs are ride or die besties that would rather leave their (petty) asses than compromise their friendship

#i’m genuinely losing my shit over this rn LMFAO LIKE. i know their character are more complex than that okay i know it hurts me let me cope #with the rin light novel snippets with self indulgent humor okay let me make myself giggle bc NAUR listen. THE POTENTIAL ZKSJBDBDJX #theyre like ‘baby pls u can have any other best friend in the world it shouldn’t be hard to find a new one right’ and ur on the floor #(i lied this is mostly rin PLLSSS he’s so dramatic i will die) #you threaten to break up with him like semi seriously to knock him off his bullshit and he shits his pants has nightmares about it for weeks #TRIES TO BREAK UP SAE AND UR BESTIE PPLLSSSS then he gets text from sae like ‘two can play that game’ i cant #theyre so down bad horrendously for you both it makes them ill they’ll endure your stupid double dates that threaten to end in violence #at any second sjshsndkd they totally shit talk each other once back home im crying okay ted talk over but yeah comedy GOLD #sae >:( #rin loml <3 #—bllk.thoughts! #blue lock x reader #itoshi sae x reader #itoshi rin x reader

[lobotomyladylives]

literally wanna dieeeee I realized belatedly that not only was down bad written for me due to being an alien abduction metaphor song but it perfectly describes my situation w/my ex who dumped me 3 days into our second vacation in his country

#but yknow thats what i get for dating a fucking man last year when i absolutely knew better. i was in a low place & the idea of being #whisked away from europe was an escape for me . we got along really well but the second i showed any emotional weakness he couldnt handle i #oh but he sent a bunch of messages begging me to come back when i was on the plane fleeing to my sisters london flat! lol!!! #i didnt tell you guys about any of this on my old blog when it was happening bc i just knew itd invite a flood of #''why were you even dating a man'' messages. yeah im aware. it was stupid & yet another result of my inability to purge myself of the #desire to be in a relationship my homophobic father wouldnt hate me for. and i didnt think any woman would want me . im over it now #fuck my abusive father fuck men in general im so over the internalized homophobia. ive always preferred women why should i have to #supress that to make my fuckface hypocrite father happy. i only rly care bc i love my half brother & want to be in his life which means #i have to appease dad. but at what goddamn cost #why did i say from europe in that earlier tag. i meant TO europe...im from the us #anyways. what a shit show situation that was. i have never felt so betrayed by anyone except for my dad himself #oh i didnt even mention the worst part yet. when i texted from london asking if our friendship was over too (god. so cringe) he then went #into this spiel about how actually what he said earlier when he was asking me to come back #(that it had been a stupid impulse & biggest mistake of his life) was a lie & it had been a long time coming #IF IT WAS A LONG TIME COMING WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME FLY ACROSS THR ATLANTIC FUCKING OCEAN 3 DAYS AGO FOR YOU #and said hed tell me the reasons but ''didnt want to hurt me'' #i have so much hatred in my heart for this man to this day when i really think about the mind games he was playing. unreal. #and he KNEW i already had massive trust issues

[hella1975]

just full force threw a shoe at my sister's face and when my mum got me alone after she was like 'you shouldn't clobber her. but i get it' 😭

#it kicked off today but in my defence she's actually proper in the wrong this time even my DAD called her a bitch and my mum is FUMING #baso my sister came into my work with her mate when i was closing the other day and all the staff GLARED at them bc of aforementioned #close so i was being v chill so everyone 1) knew it was my sister and not some customer coming in late and 2) her friend wouldnt be uncomfy #like that's the real kicker her i was being extra laid back FOR her friend so he'd feel more at ease. and one thing about me is yes ive #said countless times i have a rural accent but my mum also raised me to know when and how to speak nice if need be bc people are cunts here #so when im waitressing i speak nicely bc it's a stuck up restaurant w stuck up customers but when im with my sister? making a point of #being laid back? my normal accent came through. and her mate when i was gone said i sounded 'really [from the county we live in]' #which WOULD NOT BE A COMPLIMENT. it's baso saying 'your sister sounds local and chavy' without using such explosive words #and my sister LET HIM SAY IT. SHE DIDNT DEFEND ME. and she told my mum about it later bc SHE THOUGHT SHE'D TELL ME OFF #LIKE SHE DID IT TO SNITCH. THERE WAS NO SCENARIO WHERE MY SISTER WASNT BEING A CUNT. and my mum hit the ROOF #one thing she's rlly been big on is loyalty bc it's always been the 3 of us so when she found out my sister let him say that she FLIPPED #and this all happened last night and i only found out this morning bc i overheard them screaming at each other and turns out my mum #tried to keep it from me bc she didnt want my feelings hurt and IM pissed bc it actually did hurt more than i thought it would #like i KNOW what people say about my accent but it's a guy i know? my sister's been friends w him for years? i was being nice? #it's EMBARRASSING like i was clueless & friendly and turned around for him to be like 'look at this stupid local girl' like?? #and my sister did NOTHING? it just sucks so i STORMED upstairs when i found out and had it out with my sister #and she knew she was fucked so she did all 'im not talking to you i have nothing to say' AND PUT HER EARPHONES IN? #the way i RIPPED them out. got in her face like okay girl u think i sound like a chav ill act like a chav lets GO #and it just got really aggressive and i wound up grabbing HER OWN SANDAL and full force hurling it at her face 😭 oops #from close range too like i was already in her face so i basically just smacked her with a sandal DSHGJKSH #now we're sat in silence bc alas we still share a room. WHAT the fuck. insane tbh but it's a bit funny. im so angry rn i could KILL #hella goes home

[sleepy-crypt1d]

people dont write wheatley mean enough, ive decided. like, he's an asshole. that's a huge part of his character. YES he is also pathetic and a fucking loser who i could drop kick.

that's why he's an asshole.

he's mean and self-centered and uncaring because that is how he has always been treated.

he frequently calls you brain dead, he throws out the idea of turning you in to GLaDOS' so he can live, he spends a full minute insulting children and calling manual laborers stupid - because that's how he's been treated. he was made to be stupid, he was abandoned by his creators because they didn't care, and then he's insulted time and time again by being called a moron when, if you actually look at the game from his perspective, he's the one who's did all the work!!

he has been kicked, insulted, almost killed and ignored his entire life no SHIT he's more than happy to turn those exact same actions onto other people without any sort of care for their feelings. no one's ever cared for his?? so why should he??

people either have him as a stammering uwu little baby who's either completely helpless or a creep or they make him super over confident when he's neither. yes, he stutters and yes there are times he's embarrassed but that's because he overthinks and has a hard time putting things into words. he is fucking terrifying, yes, but it's not because he's confident. it's because he's willing to do anything just to prove he can.

wheatley is so mischaracterized it hurts and it makes me so upset. this game has been out for ten years and i need my guy to be seen as the actual nuanced character he is.

#the ball deserves better #portal #portal 2 #portal wheatley #i love him!!! favorite character <33333 #maybe it's just because im currently doing a portal rewrite so i have to listen to all his dialogue and write it out and such but #damn most people just DONT get him #i do tho <3333 #he literally cries during his boss fight yelling 'this is the best thing that's ever happened to me! and you dont even care!' and no one- #-thought about it apparently #LISTEN TO HIS ISOLATED BOSS FIGHT LINES RN!!! GO!! GET!! #he has been hurt so fucking much - ALL he tries to do is help people and none of them can do that back. you cant even fucking catch him #HE SAVED YOUR LIFE and you dont even have the decency to catch him #OF COURSE HE BECOMES THE VILLAIN??? OF COURSE HE SAYS HE DEPISES YOU?? MAKE HIM MEAN HE DESERVES IT #let him be angry!!! STOP making him just this cute little guy >w< LET WHEATLEY KILL #it is 6am WHAT am i doing #will prob also make a post about how hes literally smarter than GLaDOS - he's not a moron guys trust me #he's dumb but he's not stupid #okay fuck ive ranted long enough back to my fic lol

[homingpigecns]

.

until last year i stayed friends with a grand total of One (1) friend i knew in high school and now. i have finally stopped talking to that friend. it is sooooo so nice to romanticize longevity and history and wow they have always been there but there's a point where it's like.

it is so embarrassing so i haven't talked about it because it's really like, fully pathetic, but i saw them the first time recently bc i hadn't seen any rl friends bc i had a years long slump where i just kind of took up space at home and i was embarrassed about it but i got my life together again last summer and i was like okay, i can respond to the question "how are you doing?" without breaking down into tears, and my friend did express interest in seeing me again and i really wanted to see them. so i saw them a while ago and i had fun and i was so happy and i was so grateful to still have this connection after all these years, after all the ways i've been and my colorful history, and i just. their birthday was about a month later and really extremely uncharacteristically of me i remembered, and i ordered them a weird little personal birthday tchotchke off etsy and got them a michaels gift card and hit them up like. happy birthday we should hang out soon on the day of and it was all very nice. i didn't expect something soon nor did i care too much. but a couple months ago when twitter was gonna implode i followed them on insta (even though i deleted my personal insta because i know personal instas only teach me things about people i don't want to know) and as a consequence of that i learned that my friend was not able to see me because i was not invited to their birthday thing. which was with a friend of theirs i kind of know and an old close friend from high school i lost touch with but asked about and sjdfhsdf. literally expressed interest in the time i just saw them.

DO YOU KNOW HOW PATHETIC THAT IS........JUST EVERYTHING ABOUT IT..........LIKE I AM A KICKED PUPPY. I AM 24.....I HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE............I AM A UNION MEMBER........AND I GOT REALLY EXCITED ABOUT MY FRIENDS BIRTHDAY AND I WASN'T INVITED TO THE PARTY...........

and you know there are probably actual reasons. i burned bridges with people in high school that they liked more than me, and i am too mature to care about who likes more than whoever now, and it is too insane to hold things from high school against them now that i am 24 and have regular cardiologist appointments. but it is also like. how many times do i have to die. i have grown past so many things the last three years that i thought i could never overcome and i can't, i don't want to, grow into someone who is mature enough to hold someone who's been important to me since i was 14 at arms length so it doesn't hurt when they inevitably drop me. currently, i commute an hour in the wrong direction so i can be on the same train as a work friend and i am aware the energy is insane but it is my energy and giving it and getting good things from it is like. this is better for my personal development than whichever way the other direction goes.

and it's like i don't even blame my friend from high school for how they feel about me because i was insane in a bad way in high school and i've done enough it's like. whatever. but it's like, also, when it's like, yeah this was half of the two people who permanently messed you up to the point people still are like "hey i didn't see you there. come over and say hi next time" when i avoid them because they're talking to someone else, who watched your friend group make a group chat and hang out together with everyone except you and didn't say anything and you were grateful they still threw you the bone to hang out one on one and it's like. i'm not. i don't really hold it against them, it was years ago, i don't think about those people anymore and yes i am still weird in many ways but for other reasons as well, but there is like. a very huge lack of pattern recognition and failure to learn and it is absolutely. my fault. when you put it like oh the person who killed me a thousand times throughout high school and college still has the power to kill me now and sometimes will? VERY OBVIOUSLY I AM THE PROBLEM.......i can't play high school anymore i have to play Being At Work and Surviving Capitalism Despite Everything, Did You Know I Am 24

anyway i decided to just quietly softblock my friend on everything, unfriend on discord, remove myself from the situation when there wasn't really an inciting event so i could just kind of fade out. but i did just find out that my friend did notice, and blocked me on twitter without saying a word -- which you know, is fine and understandable, because i did do all of that first. but what a metaphor you know. that is what the years of friendship are, and that they have stacked up this much to still hurt me is my fault. but hopefully for the last time.

#you know i still have the birthday tchotchke and it is too nice for me to throw out and im gonna feel SO clown at michaels but like. #im really not supposed to cut people off anymore. but. that mindset did truly get me here. at the ripe age of 24. #as a person with HEALTH INSURANCE. #that hurt me man. it is so stupid bc i did it first. but man did that rude as hell You're blocked hurt my feelings today. #i was like. trying to see if i could get our chatlogs back after i deleted them which i always do after i stop talking to someone. #so probably for the better. but also #also discord definitely is what gave me away but i have like FIVE friends on discord i cant see their username all the time......... #it will hurt my feelings. i already hurt my feelings every time i see the birthday tchotchke #and u know not to play the victim bc im very evil and toxic and HOPEFULLY CHANGING all my post high school friendships have been positive #but i am evil and toxic and i do still have those tendencies secretly and its insane that my evil toxicity still let me be pathetic this #long like what were the self sabotaging defense mechanisms for i wasnt even defended #brandon oscillates #personal #vent #its just. i cant be friends with someone anymore and theres seven asterisks. other people can do that probably but like #i cant even pretend i can. i have feelings you know. at work every day i pretend im unshakable i smile at people who yell at me #i cant smile off the clock anymore. if something is important i need to act the way i really am or i will lose that person

[izzy-b-hands]

I keep starting fics (and have a few short ones finished rn) for my fictober that are s2 inspired but I'm afraid to publish them bc I wanna see what the actual writers did first (along with everything else they're gonna give us in the rest of the eps bc I'm just. excited for everything!!!!)

#text post #also distracting myself from the irl stuff with the writing so even if these don't get published #or need reworking before they can be published and i publish my fictober stuff late (idc abt keeping deadlines with this one lmao) #Housemate was incredibly kind and gracious and let me vent and trauma dump hard and looked after me #and im still. in the soup of it all and figuring my way out of it again to be more stable and having the fic writing and pirates #as distraction is just. not to be like the floating in the ocean holding onto something to stay alive #and its me with the fic writing and show (and other things like Housemate's help of course) as my piece of driftwood that I'm just #clinging the fuck onto bc i know i can navigate this and get thru it bc ive done that before #i just always forget how much it hurts when the wounds get ripped back open again and I KNOW that sounds stupid dramatic #but unfortunately it v much does feel like a physical gaping wound in the center of my chest lmao and does in fact ache and shit and #enough tag essay where i fall apart back to gdocs and spotify go i

[jonny-b-meowborn]

Actually also my mom needs to stop being so fucking selfish and careless when it comes to my kitten. Because when I tell her to not bother Salem because she's sleepy, then I'm being selfish and mom can pet her whenever she wants because she also lives there and pays for her. But when she almost lets the baby fall out the window and scares her and I get angry at mom, then it's my problem because it's my cat and the baby should get used to living with people. The cat is ours when it's convenient to my mom, but it's just mine when mom does something wrong or when Salem makes a mess. Fucking hell

#i went to a store for a moment and in that time my mom went to my brother's room to have a cigarette #because brother is also gone and mom cant smoke in our room anymore #cause we cant fully open the window around the kitty #and she closed the door behind her so that Salem stays in our room while shes there #so far so good #but when i come back home mom left the room and not only left the door open she left the window fully open #and salem sprinted inside #mom wanted to close the door and she didnt even look down so she hit the baby with the door #lightly but still. salem got spooked #and then mom reliazed that the window is open and the baby is walking towards it #so she yelled at her and ran to the window #and when i yelled at mom for not being careful and almost letting salem jump out the window she got angry at me #because its my cat so she doesnt have to do anything #like???????? #yeah thats my cat and i dont want her to die #or get stressed out #like no wonder she pees everywhere when mom keeps making her stressed #like shes a baby she doesnt understand that if she goes out the window shell get hurt #why is my mom upset at a literal kitten when shes not careful around her #we have to be careful for her because she doesnt understand consequences of doing stupid shit #and yeah im the one that cleans her litterbox and feeds her and plays with her and all that and thats fine #but the bare minimum she can do is watch out for her #especially when shes the only person at home with her #cause like. if she left the room and i wasnt there to point out that salem entered it she would just lock her inside with an open window #and all that necause she wanted to smoke a cigarette without going out #sure we used to smoke sometimes at home at the window but we cant do that anymore because theres a literal baby here #wont hurt her to fucking go outside #or if she really wants to smoke indoors then be fucking careful #'its your cat you take care of it' my ass its still a living creature that wouldnt survive on its own #bee buzz

[apathyfairy]

.

#tonight or tomorrow morning actually is the 4 year anniversary of my dog dying and like surprise surprise lol im still not over it like. #i honest to god dont think i ever will. i honestly dont know how people move on and get other pets and just. keep on living like i #understand it like for some people it's part of the healing process but i just could never do it. like i just cant even fathom #i dont know that's not the point. the point is im having such a hard time because everytime i do anything tonight i keep thinking #4 years ago i still had my dog or 4 years ago in 5 hours i didnt know id be going to the vet at 1am and going home without my dog at 5am #and i just keep reliving it no matter how hard i try to not. and on one hand i want it hurt like i want to remember it just to punish myself #i just i just cant move on like it's just. i went 24 years of my life without ever experiencing death and then 4 years ago today my dog dies #in the most tragic possible way ever and then 11 months later my other dog who i had for 17 years since i was 8 dies and yeah still #not over that one either because i never let myself process that or truly grieve her because i had to shut that up real tight #or i would have lost it for real. and i have the most fucked up miserable tragic dreams about her so many nights a week #because she was old and had been u know. like old dogs do they just decline and that was impossibly hard to watch but at least i kind of #knew it was coming u know but like with my other dog. there was just absolutely no warning it was so sudden and it just ripped me apart and #i honest to god will never be okay again and then 6 months after all that i find out my ex died and only because after 6 years i finally #Finally decide to have the guts to talk to him again and apologize and explain and try to be friends and then nope he's dead #then in between all those deaths a super close family friend died and my grandpa my dad's dad died and like it's just #i had never even experienced death before and then all of a sudden i was engulfed in it and i just dont know how to come back from it. #but tonight is just. painful. like i havent even said his name out loud since it happened. i cant talk about him at all just writing this i #want to cry like it just fucking hurts forever. and it should i guess. #and i feel so stupid because so many times i wonder if my cat even remembers them and i wonder if she misses them too and idk #that makes me feel stupid and emotional and im just a wreck but i should be.

[jamesbukkakebarnes]

.

#i cant ever tell if im just really sensitive or what #like objectively if ur called a name then yeah u have a right to be hurt but if ur used to being called names should it rly be that bad?? #all my life ive been called variations of fat and stupid and u know what?? i AM fat and im not smart so i mean its true #but idk i dont NEED to be reminded of these things #idk man i was already not having the best day and now its just worse #im trying not to let the 🐳 comment get to me and not go into a super dark headspace but its hard :( #ive been crying for like. an hour and i cant stop #ive been called worse so why am i letti g it affect me so bad?? #im just so embarrassed and ashamed rn and angry bc i keep crying #i need to go eat soon too bc i havent eaten since like 8 am besides a few granola bars #which is the whole reason why this was brought up. i guess apparently i ate too many of them (there is still some left tho??) #i even offered to pay for some more?? no need to resort to name calling imo its not a big deal like we'll just get some more? #again there is still some left!! we can easily buy some tmr but. i guess not #🐳🐳 #the only reason i ate so many is bc i was on my period and it was one of the only things that didnt upset my stomach tbh? #like damn if this is what is said to my face i cant imagine what ppl say behind my back #ignore me

[milo-is-rambling]

My mom was just like ahhh Im anxious to go out of my comfort zone and I was like you’re good how is this out of your comfort zone you’ve done this before and she was like why do you always judge my feelings and say I’m not allowed to feel that way I should feel some other way and I’m sitting here like :| as if she hasn’t done that to my my entire life and as if I didn’t mean you’ve done this before as a you got this sentiment not get over urself

#literally she said that and I just put my headphones on and went into my room bc if I had stayed out there I would’ve said ‘like you’ve done #to me my entire life’ and she would’ve had a shitty night and yelled and/or cried at me and I would’ve felt bad #so I just put my headphones on and walked away and it’s just like god how can she be so fucking unaware #like I got these fucking habits from somewhere like you think maybe growing up depressed and suicidal in a family that didn’t talk about or #publicly feel their emotions made it difficult for me to express things and you think maybe you making me feel bad constantly because of my #depression and on top of my depression might have transferred into me saying things that hurt you and not meaning it #but I can’t say any of this becusse obviously she didn’t mean it at the time she didn’t know how to deal with me but fuck man it just fucks #me up cause i don’t want to be constantly trying to get pay back against my mother or whatever but I also feel like she’s constantly trying #to say shit to me about her going on dates or whatever when I have repeatedly told her I don’t want to talk about it and I don’t like when #she jokes about it and I tell her to like get a hobby other than men and like I’m joking but I’m fucking not #like she spends all her time out with guys or talking about guys or texting guys while we’re supposed to be hanging out and I have both #never felt more isolated and alienated from my family and have never felt this weirdly connected to my family #like I feel like how my mother felt when I was doing stupid shit and she didn’t want to say anything and when she did I’d be an asshole but #she’d be right and idk it’s just like how do I stay mad at my mother while doing the same things she did to me then #but how do I stop doing them if I can’t address why I’m doing it and how do I address it if I feel like I need to tell her #but I’ve told her and it doesn’t help it only makes her feel bad #how do I let myself feel my emotions. how has everyone else been doing it this whole time and it’s fucking impossible for me #ugh. #fuck. #I’m gonna take one of my crying edibles and see if I can get listening to some sad music and let some tears out of my face #and then I’m gonna play Minecraft tonight with 🧍🏻 and he doesn’t know I have a pet bird yet or about my trip so that’ll be fun

[whimsyprinx]

i think I just need to stop clinging to and getting so attached to people

#whimsy whispers #because then things fall apart and so do I #it’s also just like suffocating and annoying of me to do to people I’ve realized #like I just tend to get too attached to people and when things get bad and I can’t fix them I don’t know what to do or how to cope #especially when it feels like no one else is being affected the same way I am so it feels like it’s just a me problem #anyways guess who finally talked to their irl about how they’d been feeling for the past few months #I don’t expect for things to improve based on just doing this and idk if things will be like they use to be but this is the only friendship #that I feel like I can like idk salvage at this point #I don’t think they’ll go back to being the most important person in the world to me or my very best friend but maybe that’s for the best #it just hurts not having someone like that in my life anymore because I did genuinely love them so much but like idk I already knew they’d #never love me as much as i did like they have actual loved ones who it makes more sense to cherish more which is like obvs fine I just like #idk i feel like I generally stopped being important in general to them and that’s what hurt most #as for the other friendships I’m uncertain about there’s nothing I can do there #I talk to like very few people now and have been trying to like allow new people to try and get close to me as scary as that is #I am afraid I’ll just fuck up those relationships too tbh because everything is a cycle with me #idk I just feel stupid and helpless and like there’s nothing I can do and maybe i just need to accept that there isn’t anything I can do to #fix my mistakes like I can’t undo anything and I can’t fix them and like I just hope I’ll accept that eventually #and again I need to just learn to stop getting so attached to people it’s just abdjfktk hard for me not to but each time I hurt others or #others hurt me it makes it harder for me to want to let anyone else get closer and eventually I’m going to be all alone if this keeps up #anyways tnats tofays vent/fun little realization that I need to force myself to accept

[jrueships]

He still cares abt Lamar (link)

.....

............ MA. R Q U I S E.

OKAY THIS . THIS IS CUTE. BUT I HATE THIS. BECAUSE IT IS CUTE. ARGGHH HOW DO I EXPLAIN THISSS.... okOKAY listen i am so. i am studying this like a researcher does a bug in a jar. A Petri dish growing mold. A banana. NO ONE IS SUFFERING MORE THAN ME CREATING MY OWN NARRATIVE IN MY HEAD ABOUT NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!

he still loves him of COURSE he still loves him, which is CUTE but. BRO HAS DONE SELF-SABOTAGE!!!!!! AND IS PUTTING /ALL/ THE PURPOSE ON THE ORGANIZATION !! it doesn't MATTER at this point who did what to who and why... what MATTERS is that self-sabotage has occurred, and hollywood still loves lamar. HOOWW can i EXPLAIN this MAN like!!!! HOLLYWOOD doesn't think he's good enough for Lamar, no, he KNOWS that. But he can't live with Lamar knowing that because he's afraid LAMAR will leave him when he's TRYING and can't even convince him to stay or not trade him at his best. HOWEVER, if he convinces THE ORGANIZATION to trade him 'JUST OUT OF THE BLUE', then that's UNDERSTANDABLE, that's a BUSINESS decision, then the ORGANIZATION is the villain! AND NO ONE WILL HAVE TO KNOW ANYTHING!! except HOLLYWOOD ! super easy choice, genius plan!!

... except maybe hollywood is less fine with knowing than he thought. Maybe the plan went too well. So well that the real problems went unsolved. Even if it was a bad plan, Lamar would still believe his every word anyways. He always does. He's always in Hollywood's corner. but no one's in Lamar's.

Moving, spending all that time away from Lamar, it didn't change a thing. He still thought of Lamar, Lamar still thought of him. Still thought of him too well. Hell, he didn't even worry when Hollywood spent almost all his off-season training with his old college QB. Because he has that much faith in His wide receiver. His wide receiver that averages 10+ dropped passes a season. His wide receiver that left him for that old college QB. Lamar blames the organization because HIS old wide receiver did, his FRIEND. And now Lamar's getting turned on because of his friend. . . So maybe the plan came with more problems than solutions. Lamar didn't hate him, at least.

But he should.

#i FEEL LIKE NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRAIN I'LL NEVER HELP LAMAR REACH THE WR QB DUO HEIGHTS OF A SUPERBOWL ☹️ #i CANT AFFORD THE PAIN OF HIM REJECTING ME WHEN MY GOOD ISNT ENOUGH BECAUSE I WANT IT TO BE SO BADLY ☹️☹️ #so i BLAME THE ORGANIZATION BACK TO SOMEONE 'SAFER' AND ALL IS GOOD AGAIN 😊😊 #...i miss lamar...... lamar misses me... lamar blames the organization too despite still working for it....☹️ #everyone hates lamar... you trying to defend him adds more hate to him and you ... #whatever you try hurts him worse and he won't even run. #because he loves you. and you love him too. so much that it hurts him. and he loves you so much that he lets it. #someone needs to cut the rope. #IT'S LIKE THAT STUPID GRU POSTER PRESENTATION MEME #AND THE FINAL FRAMES ARE GONNA BE HOLLYWOOD ACTING LIKE THEM BEING ON THE SAME TEAM WAS A GIANT MISTAKE #SO LAMAR WILL HATE HIM 😊 AND STOP GETTING HURT 😊😊 #and then lamar gets hurt ☹️. #when the self sabotage was unnecessary if you had just COMMUNICATED these INSECURITIES but you CANT #because you cant let lamar KNOW you have INSECURITIES because you THINK he puts YOU on a pedestal because you know he LOVES YOU #BUT Y O U R E PUTTING HIM ON A PEDESTAL tOO !!!!!! AND YOU DON'T REALIZE THAT UNTIL YOU SEE HOW MUCH HE CRUMBLES BECAUSE OF YOUUU #I HATEEE it HERE!!!!! HOLLYWOOD IS SO INSANE. AND FOR WHAAAATTTTT!!!!!!!!! #anyways #ted asks #THANKS FOR SHOWING ME THIS THIS IS VITAL FOR MY FICTIONS THAT HAUNT ME DAILY #hollywood/jackson #ted drabbles

[msfcatlover]

When people say something is a “power fantasy” or “revenge fantasy” like those are inherently bad things. As long as it’s not a “supremacist fantasy,” who gives a shit?

#my life #fandoms all #mine #ignore me #tv tropes #// #Power & revenge fantasies are innately human and can be found as far back as GILGAMESH so let people have their stupid catharsis! #So times we all need it. As long as no one’s getting hurt fuck off. #No I am not takin criticism at this time.

[metagalacticx]

.

#it’s really fucking cold rn #also i’ve been sad for like a week and it’s got better sometimes but things keep happening so every time i think #im okay it’s fine… something else happens and it’s like well fuck now i have to deal with this exhausting ordeal again why do i have #to suffer so much #but it’s okay because everything happens for a reason and maybe this is the universe trying to tell me something #like keep taking your fucking meds #but also stop being so emotional and stop wearing your heart on your sleeve #but i refuse to regret thinking i was ready to be a real person again #I wasn’t ready but i refuse i simply refuse to regret believing that i was okay? #anyway it’s kind of unfair how i tried my best and january still turned out awful #like i just wanted one nice thing #but anyway this month has always been for life-changing decisions and i made one today as i do every year #so everything’s fine now #i can’t believe i’m saying this but i can’t wait to go back to work lmaooo #if i’m busy i won’t have time to cry right?? i won’t have time to dwell on stupid inconsequential things i can’t help but notice #sometimes i wish i couldn’t read wish i was illiterate i’d be so sane rn if that were the case <333 #i would feel so secure and everything would be fine <333 #anyway i’m thinking about morey because they are the only thing worth thinking about atm and they’re everything to me also 💖💖 #morey supremacy i wish the teen wolf movie weren’t real skdjdjdj #STAND BEHIND ME COREY 💖💖 i won’t let them hurt youuu 💖💖