#now imagine that when dean and cas love each other and when they fight with one another

[claratyler]

like what you need to understand about destiel is that they ARE best friends. like yea, of course they're world-shatteringly in love with each other, but they're also literally best friends. "i should have stopped you. you're my best friend and i just let you go" what you need to understand is that every time they refer to the other as their friend, it is NOT a cop out

#think of how intense a bond between best friends is. #now imagine that additionally #they are also in love with each other #have you ever broken up with someone? that hurts. have you ever friend-broken up with someone? that shit also hurts. #now imagine that when dean and cas love each other and when they fight with one another #its that double intensity #god.. #i cant do this #if my romantic heart break and my friend heartbreak combined in the same person i think. yea i dont think i'd survive it #suddenly feeling fortunate #i litcherally cant do this #spn #destiel

[alexiswritingstuff]

Human.

Masterlist

Status: Complete.

Pairing: Castiel x gn! reader.

Other character appearances: Dean Winchester.

Summary: After getting his grace taken away from him, Castiel is left with being a human for the first time ever. The reader wants to prove to him that he’s not alone... Once they find him.

Warnings: mild angst, with some comfort dw.

Parts: one -  two - three

A/n: I just binged the entirety of supernatural, and my brain is infatuated with yet another man. Cas deserves every bit of love, so I wanted to write for him, especially in season 9 because I can’t even imagine what it was like going through that.

I also wanna say that this is my first time writing for these characters, meaning that I might not be able to rightfully portray them in my pieces just yet, so bear with me please.

Either way, I really hope you enjoy... and let me know if you want a part 2.

It was some time early in the morning. 

There were no windows in your room, due to being in a literal underground bunker, so all you had was an alarm clock to rely on for that information. 

Though even if you had managed to catch the numbers that continuously flashed across the glass screen, it didn’t seem like your brain would process it.

You were wide awake. Any and all attempts at going back to sleep, or even to just shut your eyes, ended with nothing except getting right back to square one. 

It was something that got old really fast. And now you found yourself sat at the edge of your bed, the cool air barely doing anything to soothe the warmth of your skin.

Every thought that swirled through your head felt like it only arrived to fight the previous one. To contradict it. Prove it wrong. Either way, it was just fuel to your bouncing leg that never seemed to cease. 

There was a whole lot going on, and I mean a lot.

But to summarise at least the main things that had your brain freaked, to say the least, was that Sam's condition was only being improved by some angel that hid in his head... Which he also still doesn’t know about-- But that’s besides the point.

Oh, and another, totally minor, fact was that every other angel had been thrown out of heaven like shooting stars. Meaning that there were now hundreds of beings stuck in random parts of the country...

Including your friend. 

From what you had heard, Castiel was now entirely human in an unknown destination. 

I mean, you had clues from a call he had made once he found a pay phone, but whatever was happening on his end proved that he wasn’t going to be around there much longer.

You had to decide.

In an instant, your anxiety ridden body had pushed itself up from the bed beneath it. 

Your knees felt like they were going to buckle as soon as you got to your feet, thinking on and on about how you would actually locate Cas, what you would say to him once he was found, what he would even be like after everything.

But in order to gain an answer to any of those questions... 

You kind of needed to leave the bunker first. 

And that meant getting past Dean. Giving him a really good excuse as to why you were more or less abandoning him to look after his brother while you looked for your... friend.

A sigh seeped through your lips. Each half of your body was devoted to either convincing you to stay, or leave. But after thinking about what Sam would do in a situation like this; where there was a person actually able to go and look for Cas, “Okay,”

You made your choice.

So, within the next five minutes, you had grabbed an emptied duffle bag, threw it on your bed and filled it with various things that you could only guess a new human would need.

Once there was a feeling of satisfaction when looking through the items inside, you simply zipped it up and swung it over your shoulder... 

Admittedly, however, you did kind of stand there for a second. The worry of what the hell you were going to tell Dean, or how he would react, just overloading your mind, especially because of the recent circumstances. 

But nevertheless, you managed to straightened yourself up, letting a very deep breath fill and empty your lungs, before finally making your way towards your bedroom door. 

And only leaving once you had grabbed a wad of cash and shoved it into your pocket.

~

You made your way through the kitchen, placing the weighted duffle bag onto the smooth wooden table and unzipping it before moving towards the largest fridge compartment.

After opening the door, your body lowered a little. Your eyes scanned across each shelf, looking for anything that was easily portable and at least filling when consumed.

And soon, you ended up with arms full of sandwiches wrapped in Saran wrap, that you had made earlier, in case you actually did choose this option, and any drink close to water as apparently “You only needed the sink for that.”

“Y/n, hey, I, uh-- Whoa, what...”

Shit.

“What’s up with the bag? There a case I don’t know about?”

Your body tensed. The sound of the fridge door closing almost made you jump out of your skin as you anticipated the oncoming conversation. 

I mean, it was gonna happen sooner or later.

With yet another deep breath, you turned around, tightening your hold on the food and drinks, and only spared the Winchester a simple glance before making your way back to the table. “Y/n?” The items practically spilled, one after the other, onto the wood when you got in front of it. 

Dean remained still for a moment, his eyes following you as you organised stuff into groups, but as soon as he saw you reach for the duffle bag, “No.”

It clicked.

“Hey, no. No, no, no, no!” 

Before your fingers could grasp onto the material, another hand seemed to beat you to it. And now it slid to the complete opposite side of the table. “I told you we would get to that, man. Right now--”

“Yeah, Dean, ‘getting to it’ is the problem.” you cut him off, meeting the man’s desperate eyes that almost made you regret that decision, “Look, I know you’re worried about Sam, okay? I am too-- Of course I am. But, I can’t... I can’t wait any longer.”

“I mean, Cas is a human, Dean, a human!” you continued, “He-- He can feel things like hunger and the need to sleep, and hell he’s going to need to piss at some point, if he hasn’t already, but... He’s never felt that before.”

“Any of it.”

“He has just been thrown into feeling things like we do, and... and instead of being right there with him, as he goes through all of this shit for the first time ever-- ever! We, his best friends, are just here.”

“In the bunker, all cosy with unlimited access to food, water-- Even a shower, while he is stuck in some random place, probably with no idea of where he is.”

Your heart was pounding in your chest. It felt like it was just gonna burst right out while you stared back at Dean. 

But after every scenario you had imagined of him losing his shit, right then and there, once he would find you trying to leave... 

He only sighed.

He took a mild step back, the breath still sifting through his lips, while he brought his hands up to his face and rubbed at the skin. An attempt to make sure that he wouldn’t say something he would regret. “I know... I know, Y/n, it just--”

Dean sighs again, “... I don’t know what to do.” 

In that moment, all of your nervousness melted away. You had gotten so worked up about this whole thing that you forgot, at the end of the day, that he was your best friend. 

You found yourself just standing there again, watching the man with furrowed eyebrows and softening facial muscles.

“Ezekiel... I don’t know-- I thought he would do more than this. At least faster, anyway, but...” Dean’s eyes sort of stared at nothing for a moment. Like he was searching through the air as if it would give him some sort of answer. And then he looked back at you, “I don’t know if I can’t keep lying to him, man.”

“I don’t know if I can keep lying to Sam.”

“Dean,” you began as soon as he had finished, and slowly moved forward until you were right in front of him. You placed a hand on his shoulder, “I know it’s a lot.” He snorted, “That’s an understatement.”

“Dean, you just... You need to make everything seem like it’s normal so that Ezekiel can do his work.” you insisted with nods of your head, “Look for a case, or something.”

“Do whatever you would do on any other day.” Your hand squeezed the shoulder it lay on, and Dean seemed to take in a calmer breath in response. “If it does, however, get too much or something then call me, all right? I just want to get Cas settled in-- That’s it.”

“I’ll be back before you know it.”

You stared at him for a moment. Waiting for at least some kind of signal while he took the time to think about what you said. And soon, you removed your hand from his shoulder after one final squeeze. Dean gave you a look with little nods of his head. 

The bag you were trying to grab eariler slid back across the table. Back into the place it was before. And right as it got in front of you, the packing had began almost immediately. 

You put all of the items in, maybe a little too fast, pressed it down a good few times. And while attempting to zip it up, Dean took the job of pulling the teeth together, so that you could actually close the damn thing.

“Okay,” you breathed out, swinging the bag that was increasingly heavier over your shoulder before turning to face Dean the moment it sat in a good position. He raised his head a little. “Let me know how Cas is then.”

His voice was a lot softer than it was before. A look of sincerity fighting its way through the panic in his eyes, despite his attempts to mask it. 

“Of course.” you ensured with a few nods of your head. And Dean smiled. 

It was short, which they always kind of were, as like every other time, before you could send him one yourself, he would change the subject. 

For instance now he patted your back with a clear of his throat, looking through your eyes to see how badly you wanted to do this, before he simply turned.

Disappearing into the hallway.

~~~

The past few hours had felt like a wild goose chase.

You had gone from town to town, driving up and down every road numerous times, to search for this man. And you still had nothing.

No sign at all.

Eventually, after another clue you were following went cold, ending the same way as the last, a break was most definitely needed.

You found yourself in some convenience store. Being so consumed by the lack of your friend had caused you to forget about your own wellbeing. It hadn’t even struck in your mind until your stomach practically screamed at you to eat something.

So that’s what you did.

You laid out some bottles of water, food with actual nutrients in them and snacks that you wanted to see Cas try onto the counter before reaching for your wallet.

The cashier began putting the items in a few bags. And after paying, you took them, ignoring the ache that pulsed as soon as the weight got to your shoulders. “Thank you.”

With that, you were back outside, the sound of life engulfing your senses in a way that stopped your feet from moving any further. 

Your eyes flickered back and forth between each street. You looked through the many people, that all seemed to walk in different ways, and the plethora of buildings that hugged the next. 

“Where the hell are you, Cas.” A deep breath slowly filtered through your lungs, letting you take time to straighten yourself up.

An awarness of sweat suddenly grabbed your attention when the bags in your hands sort of slipped in response to the moisture. So, once you regained a strong grip. You turned. Making your way back down the street.

The familiar grumble however rumbled through your system, and though you were going to eat when back in the car, it seemed like your body was rather persistent.

You found yourself trying to maintain your balance. Juggling between keeping your hold on the bags and combing through your pockets for a Granola bar you had put in there for later. “Come on, man, where is--”

A sudden sound clattered through the busy air.

In that moment, your feet seemed to halt once again. Your eyebrows were furrowed, eyes flickering through the oncoming faces to see if anyone else had heard it... 

But, somehow, No one had.

The bar you were looking for was now between your teeth, as you had finally found it. And once you convinced yourself that it was just your imagination, you divided the bags you held between each hand.

Though, right as you were about to take a step-

BANG.

There it was again.

“What the... What the hell?” You spun round, letting your confused eyes scan through the street you had just walked down to figure out what was going on. 

And that was when your gaze landed on an alleyway.

You sort of stared at it for a moment. Weighing out all of the outcomes that checking it would have. However, your body reacted before your brain did as you started to backtrack.

Every part of your face was riddled with confusion and curiosity, which further increased when you actually got a glimpse of what was around the corner.

I mean, it was just an alleyway. But a blue jacket seemed to draw your attention from the surrounding bland colours, and your gaze soon landing on what appeared to be a man.

The longer that you looked at him, the more you took in what was around him. Which in fact lead you to realise that he was positioned in front of a bin, that loud sound being him discarding the lid so that he could actually look inside.

Immediately, your body retracted. Guilt flooded through your veins at the fact that you just stared at a random person trying to find food, because that was none of your business...

But before your eyes could follow the movements of the rest of your body, the man moved his head in a way that showed off his side profile. 

And now you halted once again.

That face. The structure.

You could never forget it.

“Cas?”

The man before you, who had just grabbed onto the rim of the bin, twisted his head round so fast that when your eyes actually met, all the air in your lungs felt like it had disappeared.

“... Y/n?” 

His voice.

That was his voice. A sound that ended up jumpstarting your brain as the bar dropped from your mouth. Forgotten.

You couldn’t look away from him while you moved further into the alleyway. An action that meant the nearer you got, the more you could see his face and the roughness that came with it. 

There were prominent bags underneath those unforgettable eyes. Various patches of dirt littered across any part of skin that was on display, and he even had stubble sprouting across the lower part of his face.

It was a look that you never expected to see. 

As soon as you got close enough, the bags in your hands fell to the floor one after the other. Your eyes wondered from his face to the, actually different, clothes worn on his body, and then back up again. 

It was the man that pulled your best friend out of hell, the man who went through purgatory with you-- The person you had been trying to find for days on end with nothing but failure in return. 

It was Castiel. 

You pulled him into your arms so suddenly that you didn’t even realise it had been done until your chin was rested on top of his shoulder. He was real.

“What are you doing here?” His voice purely rumbled through your ears, but due to the longing of wanting to hear it in the first place, you didn’t move. A chuckle even fleated your lips at the feeling of his life underneath your fingertips.

Cas was lightly patting your back in response.

It was hesitant. Either because he didn’t know what to do, or it was because of the fact that he truly couldn’t believe that you were right there. That he could feel you.

Before he could figure it out, though, you pulled yourself back in a way that let your eyes fully take in the features of his face. Not daring to actually let him go.

“How did you find me?” Cas questioned instead, letting himself do the same thing until they began to flicker behind, scanning over where you had just come from, “Where’s Sam and Dean.”

The query had you stifling another laugh. An action that seemed to bring Castiel’s attention back to you, and soon that familiar expression of confusion tugged at his features. “What?”

“Am I not good enough for you?” you joked, leaning back a little to get a good view of that face. Apparently that signalled something else, however, and Cas’s head sort of lowered, his eyebrows knitting together even more. If that was even possible. “You know I would never think that.”

“Oh... No, Cas, I know that! I know! I just-- Forget it.” you insisted with a shake of your head, finally letting him go so that you could collect the bags that were previously left on the ground.

“Let’s get you sorted then, huh?”

Once they were all rounded up, you had twisted your body so that you could further signal to him that it was time to go. More so that you wanted to get back in your car and actually eat something...

But he never moved.

He was just stood there. Staring. His eyebrows twitching in a way that made your head mildly tilt to the side, “What are you waiting for?”

When the sound finally seemed to reach his ears, his body straightened up within a second. The taut, almost anxious, look on his face eased away. And that’s when he finally began to move. 

“Come on.”

~

The door swung in with ease, and you walked in without a second to waste, carrying all the bags, including the duffle bag, despite Cas’s persistent protests, “All right, so,”

“I booked this place for a few days,” you begun through a strained voice, placing the array of plastic bags on the little table by the window, “It should be enough, but I can pay for longer if needed.”

You rounded up all of the stuff that needed to be refrigerated first and moved to do exactly that with the mini fridge, these rooms always seemed to have, by the sink.

It was only on the way back to the other items, however, that you realised Cas hadn’t responded to your words. Or even spoken at all since you got out of the car. 

“You alright?” you questioned, though your back was now turned, and lifted the duffle bag from your shoulder. The lack of weight had you stifling the urge to let out a huff of relief before you placed the bag beside the rest of the food.

Cas was stood practically in the centre of the room. His eyes scanned across the patterns of the wallpaper, the carpet that had probably been walked on a thousand times, the door to the bathroom.

And then he turned again, looking at the bed he stood at the end of.

The singular bed.

“You’re not taking me back to the bunker,” His voice was lighter than usual, almost as if it didn’t want to come out at first. The range of deepness was still there however. One that seemed to make your body freeze whenever it boomed through your ears, “Are you?”

It took you a few seconds to do anything as your mind battled with multiple thoughts. 

You wanted to say so many things. Apologise for so many things. But the idea that whatever came out of your mouth could possibly hurt him, in any way... You would rather say nothing at all.

And that’s exactly what you did.

Your fingers fumbled for the duffle bag in an attempt to distract yourself as much as possible, which proved hard, especially when unzipping the thing, due to the fact that any sound produced seemed to echo through the room. 

You cleared your throat, beginning to take out any of the items that needed to go in the bathroom or in drawers--

“Y/n.”

The urge to sigh was immediate, but you stifled it just as fast.

The last thing you wanted was to make him feel worse than he probably already did. So, instead, you closed your eyes. Trying to collect yourself as much as possible before there was any sort of reaction.

“Cas,” you managed out after a moment. And after a subtle, quick, shake of your head, you finally twisted yourself round to face the man who hadn’t even moved an inch.

Those eyes.

Those beautiful-- I mean, blue eyes of his stared back in a way that was almost as if he was glimpsing into your soul. He was reading into absolutely any movement you made, and any look that showed on your face, even for a split second, like his life depended on it.

“Look,” 

You slowly started to make your way towards the man who continued to watch your every move. Uncertain to even blink, as if you would just disappear when he opened his eyes again.

Instead, however, you were now standing right in front of him.

“I didn’t, uh… I didn’t really plan what I was going to do, or say, when this moment came.” You spoke slowly. A sort of hesitance becoming more and more apparent with every word… And soon the new human wasn’t the only one staring.

You gulped. “Cas... The angels.” His entire demeanour visibly shrunk. “I just… It’s going to make me sound like an asshole, and you have every right to be mad at us-- at me, but--”

“No,” Castiel suddenly stated, “No, I understand.”

Your eyes were narrowed. “You... You do?” That same confusion from earlier filled your veins, and did so even more when Cas simply nodded his head. “You want to protect.” 

His voice was louder this time. And when he moved towards the singular bed, letting his hand closest graze across the sheets, your gaze could only follow, “Keep them away from danger,” he added on, slowly lowering himself to sit on the mattress, “It’s... understandable.”

Your heart ached. The sight of him; the way his eyes glazed, the way he sat, his voice. He looked so…drained. It hurt you to see it, but you couldn’t even begin imagine what he was feeling.

“Oh, Cas.”

A deep breath seeped into your lungs, and you moved in the next second before your brain could decide if it actually was a good idea.

And now here you were. Standing in front of the man, you had so desperately wanted to see for weeks on end, in a way that meant he had to lift his head to see your face.

The two of you stared at each other for a moment in a silence that didn’t seem to be uncomfortable. You took in each other’s presence, the disbelief from earlier finally beginning to dissapate as you stared into those ocean like eyes.

There was a multitude of things that seemed to swirl within them, and after realising that they had captivated you, a little too much, you remembered the sort of conversation you were having.

A sigh eventually made its way between your lips, and you began to lower yourself down until you were crouched before him. “It’s just for now… Okay?”

Your eyes never left his as an attempt to show your assurance. And to further prove yourself, you grabbed one of his hands. Having to hide your shock at how cold it was in your grasp, “I care about you too, Cas.”

“You know that right?”

That was the thing that finally seemed to gain a reaction.

His expression shifted in a way that was similar to earlier. Every feature across his face let go of the tension and taking its place was a sort of... soft look. 

“Right?” you questioned again when there was no verbal response, and even lightly shook the hand you held onto as if it would make him speak.

Instead, Cas tore his eyes away from your own, a sort of timidness taking over his demeanour. 

He was only able to lowly hum in acknowledgment to your words, and even when he nodded his head to show further understanding, it was a movement you almost didn’t see. A movement that seemed to flick a switch in your brain.

You began to think about what would happen when you left. 

What would he do? What would he think about? Did he even know how a shower works? 

I mean, yes, he was a grown, million year old, man. He also can sure as hell take care of himself, he has proved so many times. But he had just gone through failure after failure.

He had watched his brothers and sisters get thrown out of their home. And now they were coming after him. Wanting to kill, torture and who knows what else.

Castiel could handle himself, sure. But thinking about what he would do, or in fact not do, when those angels eventually found him... It had you sick to your stomach in an instant.

So, after staring at his tired face some more. After realising that this man had probably never had a day of comfort, of calmness. You finally had an answer to the question you had been asking yourself since the beginning of the search for Cas.

“Which is exactly why I’m going to stay with you.”

next

#castiel #castiel x reader #castiel supernatural #castiel spn #castiel novak #castiel novak x reader #gender neutral reader #supernatural #supernatural x reader #supernatural x gender neutral reader #supernatural fanfic #spn #dean winchester

[prince-of-elsinore]

watching season 14 episode 1 where they're going off to save Cas from the demon ambush, and Sam's driving and Mary's sitting shotgun and they're having this conversation:

MARY: Sam, it's gonna be fine. SAM: (scoffs) Stop saying that, please. MARY: What? SAM: “It's gonna be fine,” that everything's gonna be fine, we're gonna find Dean, and -- MARY: We are. SAM: You don't know that. (pause) Dean's gone, and we have no idea where he is or -- or if he's even still alive. You know, Michael could have… burned him out or… worse, and… (sighs)

and it's like this merry-go-round of roles from the situation at the start of season 13, where Mary was missing, Dean was hopeless about it, and Sam was keeping the faith (and later season 13 where it flipped to Sam in despair and Dean keeping the fighting spirit), and all I can think is what must Sam be feeling right now, having this conversation play out with his mother rather than his brother? He and Dean come down on opposite sides of issues like this all the time. It's kinda baked in to their dynamic. Whenever one staggers or gives up, the other pulls/pushes him forward, and they both take their turns in each role. It's not only the bread and butter of the show, it's the bread and butter of Sam and Dean, so much that they themselves acknowledge it, as Dean did in 13x04 ("I need you to keep the faith for both of us").

In the above exchange, Mary goes on to give the kind of mini-pep speech I could imagine coming out of Dean's mouth, and it seems like the show wants us to think 'aw, Mama bear reassuring Sam and having a bonding moment.' But it's never been the words Dean uses, his platitudes about family and not giving up, that matter to Sam in these situations; it's who they're coming from. It's the fact of having Dean there by his side in spite of everything. So even though Sam finds himself, again, in a dark place with a loved one missing and another trying to pull him out, and even though Mary sticks to the Winchester script, the balance is all off. She's not Dean, and without Dean the fraternal seesaw of hope and despair breaks down, and there's nothing to pull Sam up again. The scene doesn't go there or really invite this reflection, but I wonder how much Sam is consciously aware of this as he listens to Mary. There's an interesting, blink-and-you-miss-it moment, after Sam says "You don't know that" where he cuts himself off and glances over as if just remembering who's in the seat next to him, and he adjusts his tone, in a way he probably wouldn't for Dean, before going on. So maybe he can't help but compare, in his head. Maybe Sam is thinking how he's heard his brother say similar things a thousand times but it's just not the same, and how much more hopeless that must make him, even as he shoves it down, for Mary's sake, for the sake of the mission in front of them, and for the sake of the people he's leading. Sam's never been so surrounded by people, all on the same team, his team ostensibly, in his life. But when it comes down to it, he's just as alone as he's been any other time he's lost Dean. He's grateful for Cas, and he loves his mom, but at the end of the day Sam can only rely on one person get his brother back: himself. Everyone else is just another person to convince he's fine.

#sam meta #sam winchester #spn meta #sam and mary #spn season 14 #this is just me taking a tiny observation and running with it and using it as an excuse to muse on late seasons sam #he's actually pretty rad is my main impression from my scattered rewatch so far #spn #my meta #spn episode stranger in a strange land

[incarnateirony]

So for all of it. All the smugposting. This comes down to TWO things

2po imagining what my blog is, imagining I thought it was purgatory, despite me literally spamming garden and heaven meta to the point people asked me to start tagging it better bc it was A Lot.

2po doesn't understand spn cosmology for ass.

You guys want the spoiler? The big spoiler on why wry and playful jensen, "no, it's heaven" to correct it when someone mentioned the purgatory outfit.

Cuz yeah, we know technically that was the purgatory outfit, but it was Jensen's means of asserting several tiers of plot

that chart is basically canon. cope.

dean's outfit WILL change to the previous one once reaching the garden/roadhouse/family, from heaven, for continuity; the point being that in his suspended state of mind, he's in The Trap. Not. Literally in Purgatory. But in the proverbial, mental trap that's keeping him from crossing over. He's in the general non3dspace that could be called heaven plane, but he isn't in the mental state to access completion.

It's literally "I can't move on until I face my new profound realization just like with mary, to find myself and my own peace; and my heaven needs one other." He's in the Trap, and he's calling out.

That's it. It's heaven because everything is heaven, he's already dead, he's on the road to the Garden, but he isn't able to integrate yet, so it's not classical heaven. He's still alone. And even with all the family waiting for him on the other side, there's something he has to say, first. Because it's in just saying it, in just Being. That's how you GET peace.

Again, Castiel never went to the empty. The tag line in the script was "at peace". he accepted his shadow and that of humanity and basically unbirthed it like rowena did hell. Hence. The Castiel's Uterus joke. I have been tagging everything with again. Because issa heaven joke. Which for all 2po's screaming about it he sure didn't understand SHIT about, I guess.

I guess then we shouldn't try to have him comprehend the 3-tier 3-language (Sanskrit, Greek, English) pun the Akrida are orbiting around that.

Cas let himself be filled with light and love and learned what that soul was, the moon became full with both the good and bad in humanity, and loved it all. This time with Death, the infinite vessel, so he wouldn't explode, tied to the afterlife like Rowena and not able to hop to earth. And now the light is trying to call Dean home.

That's it. That's the plot.

Cas.

A wise woman once told a story about a fight she had with her husband. And the regret she had. Letting him walk out. Because they would never let each other leave without saying it.

Cas.

There's something I have to say.

And here, at the end of the road, though I followed my father my whole life, I've learned his best, and worst--I've fought those shadows, even if the toughest is within, and it's time to make my own way. [continues turning over arcana proverbs tiredly] Mm. I think you all get the point now. Yes. It was all worth it. And with one last regret, whether he knows it's heard or not, Dean Winchester finds peace. And he is good. With who he is. And wouldn't turn it back for the world. Even if he could have What Is And Should Never Be. Who would that make him. Who would that make Mary. Not who they are now.

It's time to come home, hometown hero.

....genuinely can't believe this dipthong posted Who We Are fullchested and didn't even spot the--my god.

Dude.

In the light you will find the road.

catch a FUCKIN clue.

#the end #spnwin #cannot believe he fucked even this up #that's a skill at this point #he got lost in me discussing the nuance of mental state on the dreamer #bro that's been meta of mine for years even #it's weird actually it's almost like #wait for it #this show was predicated on ideas suspiciously close to my meta #about heaven #and the mundi #and is about to light your pals soulmate ideas on fucking fire #one might even imagine by the end #it was designed to do that #quite specifically #by someone very annoyed by you idiots #someone that knows real well #what points over there need a doubletap to die

[astermacguffin]

What if the Mark of Cain manifests differently when it's imprisoning God and not the Darkness? If the Darkness makes the Mark bearer go insane with unbridled want for destruction, then what does sealing God make you do?

An obsessive desire for creation? Creation to the point of corruption? (Think of the Shimmer from the film Annihilation. Continuous reproduction to the point of begetting alien, cancer-like entities. A refracted, distorted notion of creation.)

Okay, so canon divergence from The Trap. They successfully seal away Chuck, then Castiel bears the Mark. (Jack won't be back until later episodes, so he's not here yet.)

At first, they think he's fine. Cas says he's not feeling any bloodlust just yet. (He does feel a certain itch under his skin. Not a desire to murder, but a desire to do...something. He doesn't tell this to anyone.)

His grace is getting stronger, almost archangel-like (if not more). It's incredibly helpful for hunts, and Cas is happy to feel his wings healthy again after a long time. Sam is happy for him, but Dean is suspicious of things (especially since he's a previous Mark bearer).

After a while, Cas starts feeling...burdened, almost bloated by grace. (After all, he does have access to an infinite supply of it.) He needs to have an outlet for it.

Cas tells them so and Sam suggests healing people. Dean gives the green light on the condition that he remains invisible and he doesn't go Godstiel on them again.

It's a great outlet, and for the first few weeks they start feeling normal again. But unfortunately, healing stops being enough to relieve Cas of his excess grace anymore. The mass healings start to pile up all across the globe and it catches everyone's attention. Some think it's a blessed miracle, some think it's a sign of the end times. They make him slow down on the healings after that.

Without an outlet, however, Cas starts feeling antsy and pained. They brainstorm on possible alternatives. Cas suggests going to Heaven and saving it from collapse by healing his brethren's wings and creating more angels out of consenting souls in Heaven.

He explains Heaven's endangered and dwindling numbers. Sam agrees that it would hit two birds in one stone: relieve Cas from excess grace and prevent the extinction of angels. Dean doesn't like the idea of more winged dicks so he shoots down the idea. Eileen says that since Cas is the one in pain, he should be the one to decide.

Ultimately, Cas defers to Dean's judgment (as always). Sam protests, arguing that he can't just shoulder that pain. Cas replies: "I've suffered worse, Sam."

Cas doesn't complain about the pain for about a week, so for a while, everyone believes him when he said he can shoulder the pain. One day, Dean finds him outside the bunker, groaning in pain as he bleeds himself out, his grace pouring into the ground and sprouting plants. Dean sees this and is finally convinced to allow Cas to make more angels.

What follows then is a series of escalating events:

While Sam and Eileen are practicing their witchcraft for spell they need in a hunt, Cas suggests to enhance Sam's physical and magical abilities using his grace. "It will make the process faster and safer," he reasons. He agrees, but Dean eyes this suspiciously.

During one of their hunts, they encounter a young and freshly-turned vampire. The boy begs them not to kill him, and Cas gives him a proposal. "Promise not to feed on humans ever again and I shall cure you of your hungers and your pains. Pledge your allegiance to me and you shall never be afraid of yourself ever again." The boy agrees, and before Dean could even protest, Cas slices his palm and feeds the vampire his grace.

They argue about the grace-feeding in the Impala. Dean notices Sam's pointed lack of complaints and figures it out. "You're in on this, aren't you? How long has Cas been doing this? He's going Michael behind our backs and you're letting him?"

Sam argues that it's different because Cas isn't making super monsters; he's making them less "monstrous" (whatever that means). Sam's obsession with his own "purity" is key to understanding him here.

One time, Dean catches Cas in his "garden" ("forest" seems more apt with how lush the greens already are) creating butterflies and bees out of thin air using his grace alone.

Reports of the miraculously healed people suddenly gaining new abilities like increased strength, heightened senses, and prophecy start popping up. Some are experiencing phantom limbs, talking about their sprouting "wings."

Sam is becoming addicted to Cas' grace to the point that he willingly lets himself be hurt in hunts just so Cas can cure him. Dean confronts him about this, but Sam just argues that he's "never felt this pure before." Eileenn shares the same concern as Dean.

Hunts are becoming less frequent the more monsters are being "cleansed" by Cas. The world is becoming disconcertingly quiet.

Cas' "garden" is starting to emit this strange aura. The plants and creatures growing inside it are starting to look more...alien.

One of the original angels goes to Dean and tells him of Heaven's affairs. The Host is stable again, but the angels he created are...not exactly angels. They're graced up and they sustain Heaven, but their true forms are "horrifying and incomprehensible, even to an angel." The angel adds that more than 60% of Earth's creatures have already been touched by Cas' grace.

The final nail in the coffin is when Dean catches Cas in the garden fiddling with his angel blade. It's emitting a strange glow, vibrating a subtle hum and looking as if it's liquid, flowing and distorting here and there.

Dean asks him what he's holding. "Oh, this?" Cas responds. "This is the Last Blade. Last, not in terms of time but in concept, for no other blade shall ever compare to it. The spark of creation. Fiat lux."

Dean's heart sinks. Of course. The First and the Last, Alpha and Omega. "Cas...the Mark, I think i-it's scrambling your brain, man."

"I know," he replies, eyes wet and apologetic. It's a small moment of lucidity amidst weeks and months of...whatever that was.

"Okay, okay, so you're still you, that's... that's good. Okay." Dean doesn't know how to approach this. Give him a fight and he'll know what to do, but this? Watching his best friend, the love of his life, be distorted into something incomprehensible? Yeah, this is totally beyond him.

"You know, I used to hate Chuck," Cas says. "How could the Father of All Creation be this angry, petulant child? But," he continues, "knowing what I know now, it's either regressing into a petty child or being reduced to insanity."

"Cas...what are you talking about, man?"

"No mind should bear this burden, Dean. No matter how infinite they are," he says, voice trembling in exhaustion.

(more below the cut)

He continues. "The awareness of everything is the awareness of nothing at all. Imagine perceiving every possible piece of information about the world all at once. Seeing light in all its forms all at once: ultraviolet, infrared, etc. Sensing all the neutrinos zip by, sensing gravitational waves, sensing the slighest bit of seismic activity."

Dean doesn't know how to respond, so he lets him go on.

"Knowledge can only ever be a slice of the Totality of Truth. Truth is absolute chaos, and Knowledge is the partial ordering of this chaos. One can sanely approach Truth only through organized paritions of Totality. Why do you think Chuck is so obsessed with stories? Stories are linear and finite; they're sensible snippets of the endless sea of possible worlds."

"So, what? Are you trying to—"

"I'm not trying to justify Chuck's actions, Dean," he interrupts. "I just want to contextualize them. Chuck's simplistic and repetitive narratives are what they are: manifestations of a chaotic Totality, gone insane trying to understand itself. Looking for simple things to hold on to."

Cas takes a deep breath. He speaks with a shaky voice. "I'm barely holding myself together, Dean. I can feel the universe beneath my skin."

He doesn't know what possesses him to ask, but he does it anyway. "What are you holding on to?"

Cas smiles at that. "You."

They stare at each other for a while, frozen where they stand. Cas, with unrestrained affection in his face. Dean, struck by shock and indecision. It's Cas who first breaks the silence.

"I think we both know what needs to be done, while I'm still lucid enough." Cas slices his palm and lets his blood drip down the soil. He then thrusts the Last Blade into the ground, lifting it when the soil glows.

Dean stared in awe as the ground erupts and a familiar shape rises from the hollow. "Is that.."

"The Ma'Lak box, yes. I also enhanced it with the Blade to be able to house things as powerful as me."

"Cas, wait, maybe we can think of another way to—"

"Dean," he says, calmly. "You know there's no other way. I wouldn't ask this of you if there was."

In any other scenario, Dean would've kept arguing, but even he knows that they're running out of time. Sam's grace addiction is getting worse and all the creatures touched by Cas' grace are slowly mutating into eldritch horrors. Dean offers a shaky nod. "Okay."

Tension visibly releases from Cas' body. "Thank you, Dean." He opens the box and enters it with ease. "When you lock this, bury me with the garden's graced soil. Once I'm under, my influence over the world should dampen."

Dean gives a wordless nod. For a while, they just stared at each other, Cas lying down and Dean trying to memorize every inch of his face while he can.

Cas presses his hand into Dean's left shoulder where his mark used to dwell. "My untainted grace," he whisper gently. "Some of it is still inside you. That's probably why you're not as affected by me."

Dean wants to say, I'll always be affected by you, but he holds himself back.

He takes his hand back, a bloody handprint now on Dean's jacket. "I love you, Dean," he says, breathless.

"Cas..."

"I probably would've built up to that if we had more time but," he makes a surprised laugh, "I am, as you would say, already 'losing my marbles', so."

The air quotes would've been funny and endearing in any other scenario, but it just makes Dean's vision blur up with tears.

"Thank you for everything, Dean. I know we've done nothing but repeatedly hurt each other these past few years, but I don't want to spend a deathless eternity with that as my memory of you. I forgive you, even for the things you haven't forgiven yourself for yet. And I'm sorry for everything, especially for ending things like this."

He should probably wipe away his tears to clear his vision, but Dean can do nothing but stare at Cas in awe, in fear, in grief, in reverence. They're both fully crying now.

"Goodbye, Dean."

"Wait, Cas."

Cas looks at him, waiting.

"Can you...can you say it again?"

He doesn't need to clarify what 'it' means. They both know.

With one last mournful smile, Cas says: "I love you, Dean."

And with that, Dean finally gathers all the strength he needs to shut the lid and lock the box. He stares at it for a while, unblinking. He forgot to ask, Can you hear my prayers down there? But it's too late now to ask.

The box automatically lowers itself into the hole it arose from. Now all that's left to do is to cover it again with soil.

Dean doesn't bother with a shovel. He gently buries the box with his hands deep in the soil, some of it getting trapped under his nails. He continues the mindless task, whispering a tireless series of I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I hope you're okay I'm sorry, over and over between his quiet sobs. Cas is quiet inside the box. No screaming or crying. Dean doesn't know if that's better or worse.

When the final clump of soil is pressed into the mound, he suddenly feels it: a visceral shift that echoes throughout the world. The alien glimmer of the garden dims, and the world corrects its axis. Dean screams his agony into the air.

That's how Sam finds him: sprawled over a mound of soil, crying his heart out. Dean doesn't need to say anything: he knows what happened. He pulls his brother off the ground and brings him inside the bunker.

For the first two weeks, Dean cycles through drinking and passing out in various places in the bunker. If he's not wearing the jacket, he's holding it with close to him. Sam gives him a considerable space to grieve while he monitors the world grace problem with Eileen. The grace mutations have significantly dropped since then and everyone's going back to normal.

Unfortunately, that means monsters are getting hungry again. Sam doesn't want to leave his brother alone after going nonverbal with grief and dysfunctional due to alcohol. Eileen assures him that she can handle hunts on their own and that the hunter network that they're building will lessen the workload.

Sam's attempts to sober Dean up finally work, mostly due to the latter having very little strength to protest. Dean remains sober an entire day for the first time in weeks, and all he can think about is: I haven't prayed to Cas in a while. The longing might have reached him, but never a coherent prayer.

The first time he goes out of the bunker in a while, he heads straight to Cas' garden. Sam's glad that he's finally going out because "the sun is good for you" or something, but he's really only here for Cas. He kneels in front of the burial mound (where a patch of an unknown species of flowers is already growing).

The first prayer he says to him in a while is: I love you, Cas. I should've said it while you were still here. Not saying it out loud and just strongly thinking about the words somehow bolsters him to get the words through.

He's crying again, and he knows he's losing coherency. In his mind, he's explaining about his hangups and his regrets and his continuous denial of his own joy, but one constant remains: he's beaming all his love and affection into this prayer.

He's halfway through explaining all the traits that he finds endearing in Cas when suddenly, he feels it like a snap. If the glimmer dimmed when he buried Cas, now it's as if it was never there in the first place. With an unsettling amount of certainty, Dean just knows that Cas is gone. For real, this time.

"C-cas...?" It's the first thing he's said in a while and it sounds rough in his long unused voice.

"CAS! CAS!!! " He's now screaming, ripping away the flowerbed with his bare hands and scratching the soil away. Tears are obstructing his vision, but he has no time to wipe them away. He needs to make sure that is really gone. His hands are bleeding and he doesn't give a damn.

Eventually, Sam comes running towards him. "Dean! Dean, stop!"

He tries to hold his brother back, but Dean just keeps on clawing away soil. "Sammy, Sammy he's gone, he's not there anymore, Sammy I have to see, please, let me see Cas again, I need—" he breaks into sobs again, and like a puppet with its strings cut off, he slumps into Sam.

"Dean, it's okay, it's okay..." he says softly to his shaking brother.

Eventually, when Dean calms down, he looks at the carnage he's done and starts sobbing again. The flowers, his last evidence of Cas being here, are all destroyed. Now Cas truly is gone.

. . .

When Cas first heard Dean's confession prayer, he was overcome with joy. When he realized what that means, however, his stomach suddenly sinks.

He hears before he sees the Empty arrive, slithering like black goo.

"Wow, were you excited enough for eternal slumber that you wanted a preview?" The Shadow teases in Meg's voice.

At first, he was dreading the Empty, but now that he thinks of it, it's actually the perfect prison for him: a vast, endless nothingness for him to fill with his creations.

And if Jack wasn't in Heaven, that only means that he's in the Empty, and he can't wait to see his son again. Even when blinded by the madness of the universe, he can never forget the joy of being a father.

"Yes," he replies, "I'm actually glad you're here now."

. . .

Somewhere around the globe, Billie drops Jack back.

"Don't worry, kid. You'l reunite with your father very soon."

(to be continued)

#spn #destiel #supernatural #aster writes #destiel fic #long post #im totally obsessed with moc!cas #moc!cas

[shelikestv]

Jensen's take that Dean doesn't understand Cas' feelings bc he's an angel makes so much sense and it's killing me.

6x20: The man who would be king, Dean begs Cas to lean on him to fix things, to which he replies they "aren't broken."

Same ep: "You can't (stop me) Dean. You're just a man. I'm an angel."

6x22: God!cas juiced up on purgatory souls: "You're not my family, Dean. I have no family." (As opposed to them both calling each other family in prev. episodes.)

Cas dies, Dean calling him a "child," in response. The angels just don't understand, and Dean knows it.

7x17: Finally gets Cas back and is reminded of the rift between them: "You're not a machine, Dean. You're human." (As opposed to the angels? A parallel to rigid obedience and machine-like loyalty?)

7x21 gets its own section, because there is SO MUCH in this episode:

Dean canonically knows that angels aren't "junkless," but keeps calling them that anyway. Particularly noticable since this is the same episode where Crazy!cas wakes up.

We also get Dean clearly talking about Cas to Kevin:

Cause the angels – they don't care. I think maybe they just don't have the equipment to care. Seems like when they try, it just... breaks them apart.

A few Interesting things Cas says to/in front of Dean:

"I don't fight, I watch the bees"

Tells Dean he was rooting for the neaderthals before the homosapiens.

He says to Meg that watching over humans for thousands of years was often boring and repetitive.

Hester then comes in with: "Castiel, you have fallen in every way imaginable." and "The very touch of you corrupts (Dean). When Castiel first laid a hand on you in hell he was lost! You wanted free will? Now I'm making the choices."

ANGEL VS HUMAN shoved in Dean's face over and over.

The kind of effect love and free will has on the angels is not always pretty. Most of the examples Dean sees of angels and humans falling for each other is unhealthy and twisted. Just look at Lily Sunder and the way that the two of them BROKE each other, (or it probably seemed that way to Dean).

After the crypt scene, Cas chooses Dean over Naomi's mind control. Dean calls him family and what happens AGAIN? Cas LEAVES. He takes the angel tablet saying he had to protect it even from Dean.

No matter how much Dean tries to draw Cas in to his world with mixtapes, movies, and game nights, the angel world keeps pointing out how "other" Cas is. He's not human, and that makes things really really complicated.

It's like, for every step they take to get on the same page, there's a step back. Yeah, Cas may have chosen you over an angel army, Dean, but he's also dying because he's losing his grace.

Is it any wonder Dean is confused that Cas could love him back like THAT? He loves Cas, but not understanding AN ANGEL could love him in the same way makes all the sense in the world. After all, Cas is a million year old celestial wavelength of intent, and Dean keeps being reminded of that.

#destiel #dean winchester #castiel #dean winchester thoughts #this post is a mess #but i just needed to get these thoughts out of my head #and down SOMEWHERE #because i can't stop thinking about this

[mishasminions]

The Last Time I’ll Write a Long Post About Supernatural (15x18-15x20)

15 YEARS OF WATCHING THIS SHOW. 11 YEARS OF RUNNING A BLOG ABOUT IT. IT’S BEEN QUITE A RIDE.

[15x20 Speculation + evidence at the bottom]

First off, I just wanna come clean and say, after all these years, I still think they should’ve ended at Season 5.

If you’re going to come at me with “Then why’d you stick around to watch it if you didn’t like it?”, your question is immature, and the answer is simple: I just want to know what happens next (I also love the main characters and their actors too). You can watch a show and still think it’s shit.

Call me a clown, but despite all the disappointment and trust issues that this show has given me, I would still look forward to the day where it might just turn itself around and bring back the quality it once had, or realize the potential of each story it was trying to tell, or at the very least, do justice by my favorite ship.

Never happened.

They’ve had a few good episodes here and there. I can’t imagine the SPN Universe without The Man Who Would Be King, The French Mistake, and Scoobynatural. Seasons 6-10 were enjoyable at times. I blocked out most of 7 & 11-15. 

If you’ve been following this blog since its heydays in 2010-2014, you’d know I’d try my best to defend Destiel and this show’s decisions regarding it no matter what.

Because you know what, as a CONCEPT, this show is good. If you take a look at all the worlds its storylines have birthed in fanfiction/fanworks, you’d see how much Supernatural has wasted its own story arcs. The writing got shittier as each season progressed, and they’ve obviously given up in production as well because the quality in the execution has noticeably gone down too, but if you take a step back and take a look at the bigger picture, you’ll see that this show still tries to make sense of itself.

[If you’re still following this post, please bear with me, I know this is long, but I just want you to understand how jaded and pessimistic I am with regards to this show, so maybe you can buy into whatever hopeful thing I’m about to say later on.]

SO LET’S TALK ABOUT DESTIEL

Never in my wildest dreams did I think that they would give us Castiel’s “I love you” speech. To the point where, if I weren’t so desperate for it, I would argue that it was completely out of character for him to word vomit the way he did (but I’m not gonna diss on that right now because I’ll take what I can get).

I’ve valued every meaningful and obscure exchange that Dean and Cas have had in the earlier seasons, and I was willing to accept their relationship as just that--undefined, without any clear boundaries as to what they really are. And I think that was beautiful on its own.

But now, they’ve chosen to define it.

After they’ve driven every possible wedge between Dean and Castiel in seasons 11-15, to try to explain away their feelings as something they offer to a collective.

Dean can’t mourn and pray for JUST Cas, he has to mourn and pray for EVERYBODY--even Crowley, even some chick he just met, because god forbid he cries about just the guy who has given up everything for him--that would be “too homo”.

They’ve even set Cas on a path to abrupt fatherhood just so he can care about something other than Dean. Make it seem as if Dean wasn’t his purpose through and through.

And after all these years of this stupid show trying to deny it, they choose to acknowledge it at the worst possible circumstance, at a time where they’ve been so far apart, that it seems so foreign for them to suddenly come together.

But here we are. And they’ve chosen to tell us.

Chosen to tell us that everything that Castiel has done leading up to his death, he has done it because he was IN LOVE WITH DEAN WINCHESTER.

Chosen to tell us that the ONE THING THAT WOULD MAKE CAS HAPPY IS DEAN WINCHESTER.

Chosen to tell us that BEING WITH DEAN WINCHESTER is something that CAS WANTS BUT KNOWS HE CAN’T HAVE.

And they’ve also chosen to tell us nothing about how Dean feels.

Sure, finding out your angel made a deal, the stipulations of said deal, his newfound happiness philosophy, his long-winded monologue of why he loves you and why you’re worthy of his love, and to top it all off he tells you that being in love with you is enough to make him happy while he subtly hints that he’s always wanted to be WITH you romantically, was a lot to process in the 5 minutes after you’ve just had an existential crisis.

It’s whatever, right? Let’s culminate 11 years worth of tension and feelings in 5 minutes. Let’s waste the entire episode with cringey expository dialogue, and irrelevant sequences. The whole season was a waste anyway.

You know what Supernatural? FUCK YOU FOR THAT. They deserved better. WE deserve better.

And I would love nothing more than to hurl every possible insult your way,

But for the last time, I’m going to HOPE that you’re finally going to try to make it better for the fans that stuck by you all these years.

No more baiting new viewers, no more placating casual viewers, no more excuses. 15 years. Bring it home for the people who have actually been around.

SO HERE’S HOW I THINK 15x20 IS GONNA GO

There’s two ways this series is gonna end. Horribly or Spectacularly.

First let’s all take into consideration what Andrew Dabb says about it:

So, let’s start with

ENDING HORRIBLY

In this scenario, Misha is telling the truth about his last day of filming being 15x18. His “camping trip” during the last few days of filming 15x20, was actually a camping trip. He doesn’t go to Vancouver to shoot.

Jensen wasn’t “being careful” during the zoom interviews that it was just him and Jared quarantining for the shoot, it really was just him and Jared (althought most of these were done pre 15x19) Supernatural isn’t smart enough to do misleading PR, and they’re once again oblivious to the potential of their own story.

Misha hasn’t posted a “Goodbye Castiel” tweet because he’s probably saving it for last episode or he forgot because it was overshadowed by the Destiel trend that night.

So what we get is:

Sam and Dean are on the road again, up against the monster of the week. Only their world no longer has actual Supernatural beings anymore, so the monsters they’re fighting are humans.

Humans end up killing the Winchesters (despite having gone up against literally every powerful being imaginable INCLUDING God himself). Dean and Sam end up in heaven and relive their greatest hits.

Meanwhile, Castiel rots in The Empty because he died after realizing that he was happy and gay. Jack doesn’t bother rescuing him—his surrogate dad, the guy who made this specific deal to spare him—even though it was so easy for him get Cas in and out of The Empty when he had a fraction of the power that he has now.

Dean never speaks of Castiel’s confession because despite all the hints of a profound bond in the earlier seasons, and the fact that Dean has never cared for anyone (who isn’t his actual brother) as immensely as he does Cas, Supernatural just can’t have its main macho character be “suddenly bisexual” because that would hurt the male ego or some shit.

His heaven would probably be living happily ever after with his family. “Family” meaning Mary and John Winchester--two of the shittiest parents ever (but they’re not going to include them in this episode like they were supposed to because of Covid) and Sam.

Sam also gets a dog. As usual.

I wouldn’t put it past Supernatural to do this. After everything they’ve pulled, this would be right up their alley. I actually expect this ending.

Anyway, onto the next possible ending

ENDING SPECTACULARLY

In this scenario, Supernatural tries to stick the landing, and Jensen’s whole “It didn’t sit well with me at first, but then I took a step back after talking to Kripke, and realized that I had to view it from an audience perspective, I am now really excited about it” (DC Con 2019) anecdote about his thoughts on the final episodes, were actually about Dean potentially ending up with Cas. (Which would totally make sense because Jensen at first didn’t see Dean as anything but hetero, but as of late, he has been throwing in Destiel jokes of his own, so he seems to have warmed up to the idea)

Backed with Misha’s tidbit (DLConline 2020) that he and Jensen had conversations about Destiel, and that they wouldn’t have gone through with it if Jensen wasn’t onboard with it, but Jensen didn’t push back at all. (Why would they need to check with Jensen if it was just Cas going all in?)

Robert Berens (writer of 15x18) also wrote the script at the beginning of Season 15, but made Misha privy to the concept a year prior (Season 14), so they went into this season knowing about Destiel going canon.

This one’s a reach, but this scenario also supposes that Misha was lying about his whereabouts during the filming of the final episode, and him saying that 15x18 was his last episode is part of the diversion to avoid taking away from the weight of Castiel’s death.

And that Supernatural is actually self-aware of its own material (similar to how they have wrapped things up in the past—lots of expository dialogue, poor execution, but fulfills the story arc)

Since Season 15 is basically a Meta Season (Chuck/God as a writer, pretentiously calling out how he created the worlds, its characters, and basically invalidating the past 14 seasons), and 15x19 is supposedly the finale for Season 15, written by two of the worst Supernatural writers, Brad Buckner and Eugenie Ross-Leming (Bob Singer’s wife), then we can assume that 15x19 is where the shitty writers kill themselves--as Chuck, of course.

So we get a badly written episode that produces a bad ending, or as Becky put it, “All action, and no Cas”

So we get the bad writers season ending at 15x19.

And 15x20 is where Sam and Dean write their own stories, and where the cast had a hand in pitching ideas for it.

Dabb has mentioned that 15x20 (Act Two) is a SERIES finale, where they try to resolve the characters’ journeys.

Because as everyone has acknowledged, Supernatural isn’t about the story, it’s about the characters.

So here’s what we can get out of it:

With no more Supernatural beings left to fight, Sam and Dean are in a stalemate. They’ve resigned themselves to fighting to the bitter end, but the “end” has passed, and they’re still standing.

So they try to figure out who they are now, and what they want out of the life they still have.

Sam still wants a normal apple pie life. Before Dean dragged him out of college to go hunting with him, he had a whole life planned out for him. Become a lawyer, settle down with a nice girl, and get a dog. He gave all that up because they had work to do, but now the work is finished, he can finally go back to wanting that for himself again.

Dean finally realizes his self-worth after Cas saves him again. His prayer to Cas in purgatory may have helped him come to terms with his anger, but the whole “you’ve done everything you did for love” speech finally put him in his place, and he learns not to hate himself anymore.

But of course, he cannot fully reconcile with himself if he doesn’t get Cas back, and tell him how he feels.

Because Dean actually wants something for himself this time. Something he knows he can finally have if he can just salvage it.

So maybe this time around, with the help of Jack (off-screen), Dean saves Cas. Grips him tight and raises him from perdition.

They bypass The Empty deal by turning Cas human, and he lives the rest of his days with Dean.

Dean and Cas know they deserve to be saved, and they know that they deserve to be happy.

(Wishful thinking, maybe they kiss a little)

Anyway...

I’m just saying, there’s NO WAY that they’d have Cas go through that whole rushed speech, if they weren’t going to do anything about it later on.

But again, after 10 years of disappointment, I wouldn’t put it past Supernatural to pat themselves on the back and say, “Okay, we sort of gave them what they wanted. We’re good now”

If that’s the case, Supernatural, I’m sorry I wasted my time on you.

Here’s to hoping 🤡

#THE LAST TIME I'LL CLOWN FOR THIS SHOW #SUPERNATURAL #DESTIEL #15x20 #15x19 #15x18 #UNTAGGED #INSIGHTFUL INSIGHTS

[slipper007]

I can't imagine the pain.

Word Count: 3,262

TW: child loss, grief and grieving, discussion of death. See AO3 for complete tags.

Special thanks to @angelfishofthelord and @shirtlesscastiel who both asked for a part 2, as well as @featherasscas , who's reblogged part 1 more times than I can count

Companion to this, + also on AO3. [Masterpost]

Castiel stayed on the ground, broken, for what felt like hours, lacking the strength to look away from the devastation of his grief.

He stayed there so long that the Winchesters gave up hope. They mumbled something about Chuck and the end of all things, of the ghosts that Cas’ total grief had obliterated and how they might not have been all that was released. Castiel didn’t care. He didn’t have it in him to, and maybe the Winchesters saw that. Dean tried to touch his shoulder, maybe even offer an apology, but Castiel shot him a look that ended the conversation they had been dancing around for years. They left him in that graveyard with what was left of his son.

He almost prayed, but what could an angel do to reverse God’s will? No, he needed to do something else. He was desperate enough to try anything he thought would work.

Bargaining. Maybe he could strike up another deal. Whatever the price was, he would pay it happily. He would give his life in a heartbeat, just like before, if it would bring Jack back.

He reached out to Death directly.

He felt Billie’s presence before he saw them and slowly turned as they offered a laid back “Hey.”

“Bring him back.”

“Can’t.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

“Both,” Billie replied. They raised a brow as Castiel drew his blade. “Killing me again? That seems a little redundant.”

“If you won’t bring him back then maybe your replacement will.”

“Everything has its time, Castiel and everything dies.”

“And it wasn’t his time! His story isn’t done!”

“God said otherwise.”

“You’re going to let God do your job? Kill Jack and wreck the order?”

“God isn’t wrecking anything. Every story has different endings. This was one.”

“Then change it.”

“It’s already happened. It can’t be undone.” Billie’s voice was gentler than Castiel expected when they continued. “It’s not fair, or kind, or right, but it’s life. You need to make your peace with that.”

“No.” Billie’s brows drew together and if Castiel didn’t know better, he would think that it was from pity. Even as he spoke, he felt the tip of his angel blade drop. “I can’t accept this, he can’t be...”

“He is. And nothing you do will change that, regardless of what your time with the Winchesters has taught you.”

Castiel felt the lurching ill sensation rise up again.

“What if I go to the Empty directly?”

“Then you die. It keeps both you and Jack. But you know how the Empty works.”

“I still won’t get to see him...say anything...”

Billie touched his shoulder, a rare gesture of remorse from Death incarcerate. “He’s gone, Castiel, but he can live on in you.”

Castiel didn’t answer, and Death left him to grieve.

Even as time ticked by, Castiel was at a loss for what to do. In the dust, he drew the Enochian sigil to create a portal to Heaven, paid it enough attention that for a moment he could pretend Jack was sitting in the truck playing on his phone.

Castiel almost called his brothers and sisters down to open the portal, to take both Jack and him from the Earth, to let them rest for the first time in years. He wanted Jack to know the peace that used to exist in Heaven, the safety of the place he had once called home. More than that, he wanted to be at peace, to quell the anguish and anger writhing in his chest. It would be easier to go back to proper angelhood, forget what it was to feel.

Emotions had never brought him anything but trouble. They’d lost him his family, his home, his friends, his life…

Still, his tongue wouldn’t speak the words to bring his siblings down. He remembered how they’d treated Jack, and him. The angels had manipulated Jack just as the Winchesters had, and they would do so again if given the chance.

Even dead, Jack could still be used as a weapon. His body harbored the remains of not only nephil grace, but also that of the archangel Michael. Those were both cosmic; they would endure longer than his body.

As much as it sickened him, Castiel realized a hard truth.

Not only was Jack unable to come back, but it wasn’t enough to simply lay him to rest. His body needed to be destroyed so completely that he could never be manipulated again.

He only knew one person he could even start to trust with something like that.

“Hello, tweetie pie,” Rowena answered. “Is this a social call?”

“No, I need your help.”

“Now as much as I’d like to, I’m busy. Tell the Winchesters—”

“This isn’t for them,” he said, words coming out harsher than intended. He took a breath and added a gentler, “Please, this is important.”

“More important than—”

“Yes. Can you meet me at...” Castiel faltered. The Bunker wasn’t an option, and he certainly wasn’t going to stay where he was, surrounded by death, destruction, and his son’s wings scorched into the earth. “Uh…”

“I’ll need some time to tie things up in Nevada. Could you perhaps meet me halfway?

“Yes.” Castiel breathed a sigh of relief. “In Colorado? Grand Junction?”

“Alright,” Rowena agreed. “Now tell me what it is you need so I can prepare.”

“I need you to help me burn a body.” He risked a glance to Jack, feeling bile rise up. “So completely that he can’t come back.”

“Dearie—”

“I can’t talk more; I’ll see you tomorrow,” Castiel blurted, hanging up before what little control he had over his emotions could slip.

The drive was even harder than watching him die.

He talked and played music, anything to avoid the screaming silence, the way Jack was growing cold and stiff beside him. It didn’t work. His mind still repeated the horrified knowledge of “this was your child,” a broken record he feared would never stop.

Neither of them would recover from this.

He arrived after Rowena and nearly cried as she offered him a smile in her prim and proper way and asked if Jack would be joining them or staying in the car.

He didn’t know what gave it away. The unnatural stillness and silence of the car, one that he’d grappled with for hundreds of miles, perhaps. Maybe it was a witch’s intuition, since she’d seen enough over the last several hundred years. Maybe it was because he couldn’t answer her, or even look her in the eyes.

“Oh,” was all she said before embracing him. He couldn’t return it. He couldn’t tear his mind from the hug he had given Jack in the graveyard, how he hadn’t hugged back, how he’d kneeled rather than fight, and how he’d died even when Dean couldn’t go through with it. How it felt to hold Jack, limp and soundless in his arms.

The dam broke, and all that pain and grief and anger nearly brought him to his knees.

Rowena saw it: how broken he was, how broken he’d always been. He didn’t know who he was anymore if he wasn’t a father or an angel, yet he was neither anymore. What was he supposed to do now?

Maybe she understood that. She had suffered the loss of a loved one, too. She knew what it was to watch the world die around her, to lose herself for a time.

When Castiel was able to collect himself, pull the broken shards of his being back together, Rowena asked something that almost tore him apart again.

“Dearie, are you sure you want to…”

“I can’t bring him back. I talked to Death, and I can’t bring him back,” Castiel said softly. “I can’t have someone take advantage of what’s… left.”

“But something so permanent…”

“I would do it myself,” he offered, “but I seem to have fallen.”

Rowena gave him a strange look, the likes of which he hadn’t received in years, so he explained.

“I felt it. Something in me breaking. The emotion growing stronger. I don’t know how to describe it… It felt like when the angels fell. The same kind of desperation.”

“My dear, you’re still an angel. You still have your powers.” She looked him up and down. “Maybe you’re not as powerful as you once were, and you’re a smidge weaker than last we saw each other, but you’re far from powerless.”

Castiel looked away, lost.

“Maybe you can’t do it because you don’t want to,” she offered gently.

“What I want is for him to come back. But he needs to be….” He couldn’t bring himself to say it.

Rowena nodded, understanding.

They found somewhere private, somewhere quiet outside the city. The trees stood tall and proud and vibrantly alive. A felled one became the pyre.

Castiel placed Jack on it, still wrapped in the trenchcoat.

The flames that swallowed him were brilliantly red, orange, and gold like the ochre rocks on the horizon.

It took hours, even with the help of magic. Castiel stood by Jack’s side for all of it, even long after the embers had cooled and all that was left was a small pile of ash and smudges of soot. Rowena collected it up in a jar as the sun rose, and Castiel took it in his hands.

It never should have ended like this.

The day carried on as if Castiel’s world hadn’t ended hours ago. He was grateful to Rowena for what she had done, but even sitting in her kitchen he was too lost in grief to thank her.

Standing by a whistling teapot, she finally asked, “Would you like to talk about the wee boy?”

“It hurts too much.” Castiel bit into his lip, hard. What did it say about him, that he could hardly even say Jack’s name? Shame bubbled up, hatred of himself swift to follow.

“It hurts because of how much you loved him.”

“I still love him.”

“Yes.”

The pair fell silent for a long while and Rowena set a cup of hot tea in front of Cas before settling into her own seat.

“Rowena…”

“Yes, tweetie pie?”

“When did losing Oscar stop hurting?”

Rowena bowed her head, and Castiel knew the answer.

“It didn’t,” she finally said. “Just as losing Fergus hasn’t stopped hurting.”

Castiel’s instinct was right. This was something he would never recover from, would he?

“It’s a different kind of hurt, with time,” Rowena offered. “It stops being so keen. You survive and you try to carry on without them, because that’s what they would have wanted.” She stared deep into her tea. “You learn to talk about them, and to them, even though they’re gone.”

Castiel nodded and held his tea closer. He couldn’t see that happening, not with how much it hurt, but she was right: he would survive. With Jack gone, his deal would never come due. Happiness wouldn’t kill him because he would never feel it again.

Rowena offered him a place to stay for a few weeks, but Castiel declined. He couldn’t stay there, not where the earth was scorched and the air still smelled faintly of smoke. Instead, Castiel drove for hours, not paying much attention to where he was going until he found himself parked outside of the Bunker.

It wasn’t where he wanted to be, not by a longshot, but he had something he needed to do. The door creaked as loudly as it always had, and Castiel was halfway across the library before a voice called out to him.

“Cas.”

Dean.

“I’m here for his things. Then I’ll be on my way.”

“Cas, hey. Stop for a moment, would you?”

Castiel did.

“Look, alright.” Dean walked over until they could look each other in the eye. “I’m not proud of how everything went down. And I’ve given what you said some thought. You’re right. It is our fault, but it’s Chuck’s, too, man. You gotta see that.”

“What I see is that you’re finding any excuse you can to get the blame off yourself.”

Dean’s eyes darkened.

“Chuck has been toying with us—”

“No, you made the decision to kill him, just as I made the decision not to. You told me to get onboard or walk away, and I left you and Chuck both of my own choice. Because you taught me that people and families and love are worth fighting for, and I was going to fight for him!” Castiel tried to keep the waver out of his voice as tears brimmed in his eyes. “Chuck couldn’t have changed that even if he’d tried.”

“Maybe he didn’t want to, huh? You think of that? Maybe he wants us divided.”

“You should have thought about that before you tried to execute him in front of me.”

“Cas—”

“You had a choice and you made the wrong one.”

Castiel left him there in the library and locked himself in Jack’s room. Almost instantly, it proved to be too much, and he slumped down against the door, sobbing.

The room was holding its breath, waiting for Jack to come home. A half-read book sat on the desk, a few stray papers underneath. A pile of clothes waited patiently to be returned to a drawer. The nightstand was bare save for a pencil. One good deed….

Castiel packed it all away. He hated himself for destroying the illusion, for leaving the room as empty as his chest felt, but what he was waiting for would never happen. Jack would never walk through that door again. The decoder ring in the drawer would never be used. Everything had fallen into ruin.

He managed to get the first box into his truck with no issues, no run-ins or confrontations. The second box was smaller, and he rested it on a hip as he closed the bedroom door for the last time.

This time, he wasn’t so lucky. Dean watched him cross the room and quietly said, “You’re not the only one grieving him.”

“It’s not the same, Dean. You never felt his soul. You never took the time to know him: you spent your time trying to make up for wanting him dead. Well, you got what you wanted.”

Dean flinched at that, but Castiel didn’t care. His son was nothing but ash and a box and a half of belongings. Anger flared again.

“You think angels can’t feel.” He laughed bitterly. “Even though I’ve proven that wrong. Did you think killing him wouldn’t kill me, too? As if I haven’t given more for him than you could possibly imagine. As much as you’ve given for Sam. My life. My happiness… I signed away my future in a heartbeat so that he could come back and I would do it again. I tried to do it again.”

If only it would have worked.

“Wait, what?”

“I made a deal to save him. When I’m happy, the Empty will take me forever.”

Dean gaped at him in horror.

“Cas, what’ve you done?”

“What I had to. What any father would do. Don’t give me that look. You’ve done worse for Sam.”

“And it’s always come back to bite me in the ass.”

“Well, I haven’t been happy in years, so don’t worry about the deal.”

“You shouldn’t have made it in the first place.”

“Oh, so now only you get to make deals to save the people you love? Only you get to cheat death time and time again while the rest of us suffer?” Castiel looked at him incredulously, anger seeping through him. “Do you know how many brothers I’ve lost? Sisters? Friends? Now Jack. Why can’t I save them? Why should they stay dead when you and your brother have been raised so many times?”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it. We would have figured it out without making the deal!”

“We didn’t have the time! If I hadn’t made the deal I would have lost him forever, right then and there. I couldn’t stand by and watch him die!”

It would have killed him. And it had.

“We would have figured it out,” Dean maintained. “Like we always do!”

Castiel shook his head. “Then you figure it out. If you bring him back, I’ll be back, but until then…” Castiel looked around the wide expanse of the Bunker with a strange longing. This had never been home, but it could have been, just as his friendship with the Winchesters could have been more. He was leaving behind an almost.

“Jack’s dead. Chuck’s gone. You and Sam have each other. I think it’s time for me to move on.”

“Cas, wait.”

As angry and tired as he was—as they both were—Castiel wanted to. A decade of comradeship, of camaraderie and pining, did that, made him reluctant to leave. Then he remembered standing between Dean and Jack, realizing that if that gun went off, he’d lose them both. He knew now that he’d lost them both long before that.

“Goodbye, Dean.”

It was years before they saw each other again.

It took longer than Castiel could ever admit to find peace.

He still ached for Jack to come back, felt the pain in every drawn breath, but Rowena was right. Billie was right. The anger lessened and the pain dulled. He missed his son but Jack would have wanted him to try to move on. He would have wanted Cas to be happy, despite the deal still hanging over his head even if Castiel couldn’t see it ever coming to fruition now. He owed it to Jack to try to be happy.

And he would. He had to. No matter how much it hurt, even if he still wanted nothing more than to bring him back or follow him in death. Jack survived through him, in his memories and his love. He couldn’t let what was left of his son go like that.

He’d moved to Washington, made a home of where Jack had been born and Kelly had died. Where he had burned. It was a little too empty, full of broken promises and loss and regret, as if it, too, struggled to let go. One day it would. Another family would come and clean it out, fill this home with love as it always should have been. Children would run out to the sand, oblivious of the ash mixed in, while their parents painted over Kelly’s mural and took down the pale yellow curtains that had reminded Cas of honey.

One day, all memory of Jack and the world his parents had tried to give him would be gone. But it wouldn’t be today.

Castiel made his way outside, stood where the rift had first appeared. If he looked closely, he could still see the imprint of wings in the earth. This was where he and Kelly had both burned.

Cautiously, Castiel looked to the sky, the twinkling lights of stars against an unpolluted sky. Jack loved space. He would have loved it here, able to see the stars every night without fail.

It was time to let go.

Gently, Castiel let the ash catch in the breeze, wander everywhere it liked and more until it was gone. Jack was gone.

Castiel swallowed hard and tilted his head back up to the sky, to the light of a thousand stars. If he looked hard enough, he could see the golden twinkle of Jack’s grace reflecting back, his eyes glowing against a sea of blue.

“Hello, Jack.”​ 

#cw death #tw child loss #supernatural #castiel #dean winchester #jack kline #dadstiel #spn fic #castiel fic #spncreatorsdaily #creativecaviar #tuserari #userdee #userstarry #usershey #userpris #rambleoncas #useralison #slipper007writes #rowena macleod #billie spn #nonbinary!billie #angst

[autisticandroids]

Oh patron saint of mpreg, tell us, what is the absolute gold standard canon divergent mpreg scenario with Cas and Dean?

so for me the gold standard is for cas to get pregnant due to some kind of magical or metaphysical situation that dean at least does not perceive as sex. bonus points is cas is hesitant about it but refuses to explain why (because he doesn't know how dean will deal with the concept of himself being able to potentially get cas pregnant), so dean is like "we're doing it anyway" and then they do it and then cas doesn't tell anyone that he is pregnant until circumstances force the information out of him. and then dean has to deal with the fact that 1) cas can get pregnant, 2) cas is pregnant, 3) it's his, and he does so pretty poorly.

the rest is under a cut because this post is over 2.5k words long.

my favorite times for this to happen are at the end of season nine, just before dean dies and gets demonized in do you believe in miracles, and at the start of season twelve, just before sam and dean go to jail, because the pining in both those scenarios is delicious but it is so much more powerful if cas is also pregnant, and never even told dean. double points if the truth somehow comes out while they're separated so when dean comes back it's like. yeah cas is pregnant. it's yours. welcome home dean now you have to coddle cas' emotions because he thought he would have to raise your baby alone.

the season twelve scenario is particularly delicious because 1) we can have lucifer slut shaming cas in front of crowley in rock never dies, so crowley knows before dean, and 2) much more importantly, mary is there, and i am obsessed with like. okay. several things.

- the idea of mary getting all baby fever because she misses her boys and this is like. a baby she can take care of because she never got to take care of sam

- the idea of dean working through some of his parentification trauma by coparenting a child with the parent whose place he felt he had to take

- the idea of mary coming in and projecting her insane 1980s gender roles all over cas, suddenly treating him like a woman, stripping him of agency, etc. and like. dean would also do this even though he's not from the eighties, but mary would do it double strength, and they would reinforce each other, it would be a nightmare

- also mary trying to relate to cas on the Travails Of Motherhood etc. and cas being like ?????????? like i cannot stress enough that the weird gender roles she projects onto cas are also standards that she held herself to back when she was a Wife And Mother. while cas is like mary i am not a human woman and also i don't see what "having to look pretty for my man when i'm all baby bloaty" has to do with anything. that's not something i feel like i have to do

oh and 3) could you imagine lily sunder has some regrets if cas was pregnant? unfathomable episode. like ishim and mirabel's reaction but ALSO lily's. and it would fix the number one issue i have with lily sunder, which is that the resolution of the moral dilemma is "well AKSHUALLY the kid was human and not a nephilim so killing it was bad" rather than "it was bad to kill lily's baby, full stop." like ishim's cover up and using the machinery of power to manipulate the truth is very compelling, but the fact that it results in the moral essentially being "it would have been okay if the kid had been a nephilim" suuuuuucks.

basically, there's a reason i have two entire mpreg aus set in season twelve.

and then the delicious part in the season nine version is like. one, dean is away for much longer and he could be anywhere. also he's a demon and he's cheating on cas with crowley. and then even when cas gets him back he's still cursed with the mark, so we can get all weepy over that. you know. i'm the one who's going to have to watch you murder the world and i'm eight months pregnant. etc etc.

but the other thing that's juicy about this version is that cas is still semi-involved with the other angels at this point, like he's roadtripping around with hannah and they're trying to get heaven under control, so carrying a nephil is going to really affect those relationships. so he's going to be probably disliked by the other angels, and there are MANY opportunities for slut-shaming, but at the same time, the other "outcast" type angels might respect him for violating heaven's dictates.

and then of course there's his grace vampirism victorian wasting disease. in canon he's perfectly happy to let himself die, but if he were having dean's baby he would absolutely not do that, that's dean's baby he's endangering there. so of course there's the terrible guilt of having to kill other angels so he can live, plus potentially preparing to die shortly after childbirth so he doesn't have to keep killing. delicious.

and on top of all this cas can get slutshamed by metatron in, depending on when exactly he gets knocked up, meta fiction, stairway to heaven, and do you believe in miracles. plus stairway to heaven would be insane like all the angels would know that cas is pregnant. they would see it in his grace. like cas' angel army would just. know that he was pregnant with a nephil, and have to accept that because he's their leader. in love with humanity indeed.

i'm trying to think of other good times for this drama with cas getting secretly pregnant through a nonsexual interaction to take place. it would be great in season six. like: he's doing a blasphemy with his body but at the same time he's this big important rebel leader so they can't say shit about him, and also he's pregnant while fighting these big important battles (fun and sexy), AND this is like, hot on the heels of the realization that something about his feelings for dean is untoward, expands beyond the bounds of ordinary friendship and camaraderie. like he realizes that, and maybe even that he has sexual feelings for dean, and then he gets immediately knocked up. stunning.

it would ALSO be extremely fun for it to be some kind of... i don't know, magical longer gestation times, whatever, but for cas to have gotten pregnant sometime in s5 and only realized during the Year Of Lisa. LOVE to watch a man rake leaves while both metaphorically carrying the taint of taboo sexual feelings for him and literally carrying his child.

but the thing about season six is, first of all, cas isn't really... envisioning a future with dean. not the way he does in the later seasons. like does he fantasize about a future with dean? yes. like. he really did watch that motherfucker rake leaves. but it's only fantasy. he expected to never speak to dean again after swan song until dean prayed to him in the third man. he's obsessed with dean, but it's distant. remote.

like, we talk about cas babytrapping dean in the later seasons with jack, and he absolutely does, and he would do it even more if dean got him literally pregnant, but that babytrap is about... how do i put this. it's about winning dean's affection. late seasons cas knows that he's going to die by dean's side. the difference that babytrapping dean makes is that maybe it will get dean to be nice to him in the mean time, instead of discarding him like so much toilet paper.

but season six cas doesn't think of it like that. if he were gonna babytrap dean, it would be in the more traditional sense of forcing dean to stay with him in order to raise their child together. and he would never do that. he wants dean to have a happy future, which in his mind does not include him. like, compare here "he's retired and he's to stay that way" in the man who would be king, where cas assumes that dean is happy without him and expects him to live out his days peacefully without ever seeing him again, to "i'm the one who's going to have to watch you murder the world" in the prisoner, where cas assumes that he will be by dean's side for centuries.

but anyway, the other, much more important problem with season six is that cas has a war to fight. like, in the later seasons, cas really has nothing. even when he's on tenuous good terms with the angels, he doesn't really have a home with them. the winchesters are his family, and he'd give up anything for them. he has nothing in his life. he's at rock bottom, and this becomes truer the further along you go. late seasons cas has nothing he would prioritize over serving the winchesters, and he would be happy dropping anything he was involved in to have and raise dean's baby. parenting would give him a purpose that he no longer has, because everything else has been stripped from him.

but in season six cas has a life outside of them. like yes, he has a war to fight, but he also has a place in heaven, with the other angels. he belongs somewhere, he has solid connections to the outside world. even if he didn't have a war to fight, i don't know how excited he would be to have and raise a baby (even dean's baby) because he simply has other things he could be doing. he's involved in the world beyond the winchesters.

like, the reason cas wants to be a parent is that he is totally alone and totally purposeless. having a child gives him both a reason for being and someone who will always love him and who he can care for. if he doesn't have that hole in his life he might not be so eager to fill it with a baby.

for all these reasons, this plotline really doesn't work in season six, because you simply cannot justify cas not getting an abortion, unless you do something nasty like make angel abortion impossible, which i don't love.

you COULD somehow put the impregnation just at the end of season six, maybe just before the man who would be king, such that cas doesn't realize he's pregnant until he's already godstiel. you guys are unfortunately very aware of how obsessed i am with pregnant godstiel.

actually, @jeanne-de-valois has a concept of like. a single, madness fueled midnight hookup immediately pre-tmwwbk (or maybe even during, but prior to the superman mistake), where cas is simultaneously so stressed from being stretched so thin from the war and the lying and the shady dealings, and so high on being The Big Man In Heaven, that he's bold and out of his mind enough to actually come onto dean, like he just appears one night in dean's bedroom and is like, fuck me, and dean is like 👁👄👁 okay. so they have one single adrenaline and madness fueled hookup, and then everything immediately goes to shit.

and i think that's a great place for cas to get pregnant, and then he doesn't realize until he's become god, or maybe he does and he's just like "i'll deal with it later," either way godstiel is like oh? i carry dean's heir inside me? i will have dean's baby. i will have dean's baby it is my right and also my boon to him and also a symbol of my great and magnanimous love for humanity. and also maybe i will put giant paintings of myself pregnant with his child up in churches. what about that. which would be fun. don't know when he would give birth though. actually it would be insane if he gave birth as emmanuel and was just like. raising dean's nephil when dean found him again. nuts. but it just doesn't really have the same flavor as late seasons mpreg. doesn't compel me nearly as much. like the symbolism of godstiel being pregnant with dean's child is fun and sexy but them actually raising the kid afterwards doesn't compel me nearly as much, so it's better to leave literal mpreg to the later seasons and let godstiel mpreg reside in symbolism and fantasy.

or maybe the fetus gets stolen by the leviathans when cas walks into the lake and dean has to battle his leviathanated nephil daughter as the main villain of s7. like she's dick roman's secret weapon. i think that would be fun, actually. kind of an emma situation but drawn out over the whole season. and he thinks cas is dead for most of it so she's all he's got left of cas and a mess cas left for him to clean up. big sexy.

and as a bonus, i will also tell you the best time, imo, for dean to get pregnant: near the end of season eight. possibly a single, tragic farewell fuck in sacrifice when cas is planning to lock himself away in heaven and they're never gonna see each other again. and this impregnates dean with cas' nephil.

but then cas is human. and he can't do anything about it. like generally if they managed to get dean pregnant somehow, cas would immediately talk him into an abortion (which wouldn't be too hard; dean's natural white midwestern man who doesn't vote aversion to abortion would be at war with the horror of being pregnant, and the horror would win), or might not even inform dean that he's pregnant, and just quietly end the pregnancy without dean's knowledge, because cas would never put dean through that. but if cas is human, he can't do that. and furthermore, that nephil is the last evidence of his angelic nature that persists. it's the last of what he used to be, the last of his grace. and there's something absolutely delectable about that.

then of course dean would have to leave the bunker if he was pregnant with a nephil, because angels would be after him, and he wouldn't want to lead them to gadreel, so i am imagining dean discovering that he's pregnant and then showing up in a panic at the gas n sip like "actually cas i'm also out of the bunker will you go on the run with me?" and then they go on the run and have to live in motels again and cas gets to live with take care of dean who is pregnant with his child which is essentially his dream, and he doesn't have to feel guilty because he's no longer capable of giving dean an abortion so he doesn't feel obligated to get him to have one. ideally cas gets re-angeled just in time to give dean an angelic c-section. or maybe they rely on a normal human c-section in a hospital and cas stays human and they are two humans raising their nephil, which is also fun to me.

#spn #asks #anonymous #mpregpocalypse

[bedlund]

alright ive never read dta. whats the pitch

the series is set in endverse, it picks up right where dean goes back to his timeline in 5x04. end!dean is dead in the garden, lucifer won And cas is the only survivor of the mission in kansas. but hey get this. dean from the canon timeline appears again except for him it’s been 3 years since he was here last… as you can imagine shenanigans occur

now a big reason people aren’t regular and normal and chill about this fic is the fact that it’s 1.2 million words long. but don’t let this intimidate you, when you start reading every word will be worth it<3

i could go on about the plot for pages and pages but instead i’ll just give you a taste of the themes one might cry about while reading dta: dta is about love. it’s about community. it’s about fighting even if winning seems impossible. it’s about hope and healing. it’s about putting sugar in your coffee. it’s about translating ancient texts for your boy bestie. it’s about cas having a tramp stamp. it’s about fake dating and there having been only one bed. it’s about knowing how to stand up. it’s about sleeping thirty feet away from infinity. it’s about food as a love language. it’s about finding out what dean and cas would be like if the show let them talk to each other for more than two minutes uninterrupted. and it’s also about running a militia camp in the middle of the apocalypse.

if that made no sense feast your eyes on this:

they don’t make aesthetics like this for other fic!! there’s nothing better than looking at a piece of art and going through @its-maddiec ‘s process of “is it about dta? -> no. this is a painting. -> make it about dta -> this is literally dtacore”

(@streamdta archive)

go through my dta tag for assorted memes and stuff. man i don’t know what else to tell you, the series is linked in my bio does that sound like something i would do with a fic that sucks? no<3

#ask #dta

[waywardonesfilms]

The moment dean rescued cas was not the perfect romantic scene like you see in the movies. Because nothing in dean's life was ever perfect. It went something more like this:

It was a Thursday

At around 4:03, he found a way for a human to enter the empty.

At 4:28, he opened the door to the empty

He entered the empty at exactly 4:30 pm.

Dean found cas at exactly 5:01 pm, laying on his side, hands covering his ears.

"cas?" he asked, voice echoing and whispering back at him, warping his tone, the word cas bouncing around his ears, taunting him.

"go away" cas said quietly, sounding defeated and broken. Those words also taunted dean, rattling around in his head.

Dean slowly walked up to him, his steps sounding like explosions in the dark. When he reached the mess lying on the floor, he lowered himself onto the floor (he thinks its a floor?) and asks again.

"Cas?" now that he was close to cas, the echoes stopped. It was just there own little space.

"I said go away" he sighed "don't you ever get bored of touring me" his voice was set to the same monotonous octave "surely you have better things to do"

"cas I'm not here to torture you" he put his hand the sleeve of his trenchcoat, only to have it violently shaken off

"yes you are, just like the other dean's" he curled even more. An aura of resentment surrounding him.

Dean knew it would be pointless to try and snap cas out of this funk, knowing it would be impossible to convinve him he was the real dean.

So he quickly got his knife out and put cas in a headlock. Cas ofcourse, tried to fight this, thinking it was another form of torture, but dean still held on, holding the knife right under his Adams apple. (this is really not how he pictured seeing cas again) and made a tiny little slit, where a glowing, bright white tendril of grace started pouring out

"what are you doing?" cas struggled out, confused

"hang in there bud, just trying to save your life" he pulled a small glass bottle out of his pocket. Collecting the grace, until it was filled.

Castiels eyes rolled back in his head and he passed out, collapsing in dean's arms.

"damn it" dean cursed. He picked him up, holding him in his arms like a princess in an old Disney movie.

At exactly 6:15 he reached the door he had made, only to see someone blocking it.

"meg?"

"guess again beefcake" black tendrils surrounded her, slightly holding her off the ground.

"yeah, well you can't have him" dean said with a smug smile on his face

"who are you to tell me what I can't have" her voice reverberated, shaking his whole body and making cas stir slightly.

"I'm the guy who turned him into a human, ass hat" he looked down at the chain with the bottle of grace hanging off it.

Emptymeg looked confused and then realsition dawned on her face.

"NOOOO" she screamed, making rh floor shake underneath them, making dea fall over, dropping cas who had decided to wake up. Dean reached his hand out to cas, motioning for him to take it. But cas still looked cautious of him so dean grabbed a fistful of his coat and drageed him towards the door.

At 6:23, they barely made it out before emtpymeg exploded with anger.

They lay on the floor, dean still holding a fistful of castiels coat. He looked over to him, only to be met by cas avoiding eye contact with him.

Defiinately not the romantic moment dean had imagined

Like I said, it was not the perfect moment that they deserved. I'm fact, it took 3 months for cas to even look dean straight in the eyes. It took 6 of them for dean to convince him that he was real, and not a copy trying to torture him. They had restored their earlier friendship they had before but still avoiding any topic involving the confession. Cas was afraid of ruining what he had earned back and dean was, as always was scared of commitment. So they never bought it up, comfortable with their current friendship.

However, after exactly 9 months, they were watching the last movie in the lord of the rings trilogy, return of the king, dean got his near perfect moment.

At 9:21, the credits to the movie rolled. They were sat fairly close together in the dean cave on his couch, dean spread out, holding a beer in his hand, looking over at cas who was sitting awkwardly with his hands between his legs, leaning forward, still not entirely human despite not having any of his grace, which was hanging at his neck, given to him by dean.

"Hey cas" dea asked, heart racing and mind reeling at whatbhe was about to do.

"yes dean" cas looked over, with the same soft smile that he always used to have on his face that had taken many months for dean to coax out of him again.

Dean's heart did a little jump, seeing that little smile. He was having trouble breathing. He took several deep breaths, preparing for what he was about to say.

"dean, are you alright?" tilting his head a little, something he had also not lost after losing his grace.

Dean ignored him.

At eaxcatly 9:23, dean said it.

"I love you to cas"

Castiels smile dropped.

Did dean upset him? Cas still loved him right? Oh god, what if he didn't? Deans heart hammered against his chest and opened his moth to apologise before he was abruptly cut off by a pair of lips hitting his own.

The kiss was nothing like he had ever experienced. It was slow, and sweet and so full of live it alsmost overwhelmed him. And suddenly it was over.

"do you really mean that?" cas asked

"of course I do cas" cas smiled the biggest smile dean had ever seen.

At exactly 9:30, the kissed for the second time, creating a moment that would stick in dean's brain for the rest of his life, reminding him that hey, lifes not perfect...

But at least he cas by his side to get him through each and every day, knowing he is loved.

#destiel #destiel fanfic #destiel ficlet #deancas #destiel fic #Destiel first kiss #supernatural #Finale rewrite

[archangelgabriel]

idk if you guys remember my drawings of dean winchester jr, his sister, and the fitzgerald kids being friends, but here’s the part TWO (better this time)

(tap for better quality)

hcs under the cut:

idk of these look like teenagers but sam and cas are both 18, dean is two years younger than them at 16, and jody is two years younger than him at 14

oh yeah dean has a younger sister. her name is jody. honestly i’d name her something different now but my friends who invented her came up w jody and i feel like paying homage to them so it’s jody now 😌 maybe i’ll change it eventually since this is kinda my version

they all live in the same modest suburban area and investigate supernatural happenings together + kinda keep tabs on the secret life of the monster youth

sam (winchester) told his kids about the supernatural and they’re all just kind of witchy in their day to day lives. every other friday the winchester-leahys preform the family bonding Blood Ritual to summon auntie rowena over for dinner

jody and dean are both fluent in asl and often use it to their advantage. id like to imagine they go to the same high school and will sign things to each other from across the hallway and then get in trouble bc they called jody’s mean physics teacher a cunt right in front of him

dean inherited his fathers weird thing about serial killer podcasts, except he likes to investigate cold case files. his favorite thing is looking at some old super famous unsolved mystery and realizing that it was probably because of a ghost or vampire or some shit, bc it makes him feel special that he (and a few other ppl) are the only ones who’ll ever know the real answer

it’s kind of a family of nerds. jody pretends not to be but she is and she regularly participates in dean’s freakish magic science experiments

they regularly almost burn down the house together. eileen is so long-suffering (sam w. contributes to the chaos although he denies it when she’s around)

their prank wars are like magic prank wars. lots of (mostly) harmless hex bags are placed into each other’s backpacks

OH JODY MAKES THEM ALL FILM TIKTOKS WITH HER ADJHJNWJGD. THIS IS TRUE AND FACTUAL she is on witchtok and like just posts complete bullshit but with enough real magic to the point where she can fuck with people. it brings her great joy

sam (fitzgerald) very willingly does the trends with her he thinks it’s fun. actually lets talk about the fitzgerald twins

so basically they have the sweetest most loving least nuclear nuclear family ever. from my vague memory of the ep it’s just them, garth and bess, and their older sister who’s probably moved out so yknow. rowdy 18 year olds with the house to themselves. they’re super different but love each other and know how to live with each other after like over a decade of being the top and bottom bunk on the bunk bed (cas got top, sam was afraid of heights as a child)

they both wear the silver bullet necklaces that the whole family wears, n both are happy to. sam kind of secretly wishes he could just be a regular human boy, so he appreciates the message of “you’re just like a human! you are no better than them, so love everyone equally :).” cas actually kinda likes being a werewolf but he appreciates the message the necklace offers of “hey ur stronger and better than literally all humans but you can still die so, don’t eat them i guess.”

oh if you couldn’t tell cas is the emo one. sam took after the general fitzgerald household vibes of overeagerness and love and happy times! cas just tries to be… anything but that. he probably listens to, like, death grips.

he’s still a big hugger, though. kind of ruins his image when he’s saying goodbye to some acquaintance and almost instinctively goes in for a snuggle.

they both kinda tend to get into fights. there’s a similarly peaceful vampire family in town who just thinks they’re ~so much better~ than them, and it even pisses SAM off and he’s like a walking talking marshmallow cookie.

sam actually has like a secret aggressive streak just bc he’s very defensive over his family and friends. listen i know he sounds like a mary sue shut up shut up shut u—

sometimes cas gives jody piggyback rides if she asks nicely. he pretends to be super annoyed by it but he likes the opportunity to use his super strength every once in a while. sam is also very easily persuaded if jody asks nicely, but usually she is asking him to pick up dean just to piss him off.

i think it’s very funny how dean and cas are like the Intellectuals and they’ll talk about politics and current events and social justice and jody and sam are the Artists and will interrupt them to be like “look we broke two skateboards in half and then stuck them together in a plus sign shape to make the Mega Skateboard” and then jody tries it out in the driveway and then they have to drive to the hospital. huzzah

im out of hcs so here’s some bonus doodles

#i know this post isn’t gonna get a lot of traction because it’s not something that anyone cares about and also i’m posting it at like #the worst time #but shh. it makes me happy #i spent like 11 hours on this you should reblog if <3 #etchasketchings #dean winchester jr #sam fitzgerald #or is he #samuel fitzgerald #? #castiel fitzgerald #cas fitzgerald #jody winchester #sam winchester #supernatural #spn #spn finale #supernatural fanart #fanart #spn fanart #saileen #not really but shhhhh #spn headcanons #spn next gen!

[dotthings]

Let’s talk about why Dean dancing with a lamp is subtext, but it’s subtext that supports textual arcs. Dean dancing with a lamp is not random. Meta on why Dean dancing with a lamp is part of the build of a textual arc for Dean, thematically, which also connects to his relationship with Cas. This symbolic moment being tacitly about Destiel will only feel like reaching if you ignore context, ignore canon, ignore long arcing, ignore textual material surrounding it. This isn’t just me talking about a ship, this is an important arc for Dean himself emotionally and the way canon’s working, Cas has become the star player in this specific emotional Dean arc about yearning. 

Here are some canon quotes. I could just leave these here and not write another word of meta because the canon wrote it for me. But I’ve added some further commentary to spell out clearly what I’m getting at.

Dean in 8.14 “Trial and Error” by Andrew Dabb:

“You see a light at the end of this ugly-ass tunnel. I don't. But I tell you what I do know – it's that I'm gonna die with a gun in my hand. 'Cause that's what I have waiting for me – that's all I have waiting for me. I want you to get out. I want you to have a life – become a man of Letters, whatever. You, with a wife and kids and – and – and grandkids, living till you're fat and bald and chugging Viagra – that is my perfect ending, and it's the only one that I'm gonna get.”

Dean in 10.16 “Paint it Black” by Eugenie Ross-Lemming and Brad Buckner:

“You know, the life I live, the work I do…I pretty much just figured that that was all there was to me, you know? Tear around and jam the key in the ignition and haul ass until I ran out of gas. I guess I just thought sooner or later, I’d go out the same way that I live – pedal to the metal, and that would be it....Now, um… recent events, uh… make me think I might be closer to that than I really thought. And…I don’t know. I mean, you know, there’s – there’s things, there’s…people, feelings that I-I-I want to experience differently than I have before, or maybe even for the first time.”

Sam and Dean in 11.04 “Baby” by Robbie Thompson:

SAM: Really? You don't . . . Ever want something more? DEAN: I'm sorry, have you met us? We're batting a whopping zero in domestic life, man. Goose eggs. SAM: You don't ever think about something? Not marriage or whatever. But . . . Something? You know, with a hunter? Somebody who understands the life?

Sam and Dean in 13.23 “Let the Good Times Roll” by Andrew Dabb:

DEAN: But on a beach somewhere, you know? Can you imagine? You, me, Cas, toes in the sand, couple of them little umbrella drinks. Matching Hawaiian shirts, obviously. Some hula girls. SAM: You talking about retiring? You? DEAN: If I knew the world was safe? Hell, yeah. And you know why? 'Cause we freaking earned it, man.

Sam and Dean in 15.08 “Our Father, Who Aren’t in Heaven” by Eugenie Ross-Lemming and Brad Buckner:

DEAN: Look, man, I didn't want to say anything, okay, 'cause I was kind of in in a bad place, and, uh, yeah, I didn't want to jinx it or whatever, but, you know, I tried the family thing, right? SAM: Yeah, me too. And that's not for us. DEAN: No, not really. But I'm just saying if it was to work, Eileen, you know, she gets it. She gets us. She gets the life. She's hot. SAM: Dean. I mean, I'm not even- DEAN: Look, all I'm saying is you- you could do worse, okay? And she could certainly do better. Like, so much better. I'm happy for you, Sammy.

Dean and Garth in 15.10 “The  Heroes’ Journey” written by Andrew Dabb:

DEAN: You know, I gotta say, aside from pincushion in there… this is pretty nice. GARTH: Yeah, better than I ever thought I'd get. I mean, hunting -- I figured I'd be dead before I'm 40. You know, go out young and pretty. But now I've got a great wife, great kids. I guess...sometimes things work out.

Dean in 15.10 “The Heroes’ Journey” by Andrew Dabb:

Dean, wistful, watching through the window as Garth and Bess dance: You know, I always thought I could be a good dancer if I wanted to be.

Ok, let those roll around in your brain for moment. 

Now: CONTEXT. CONTEXT. CONTEXT.

There’s this long running arc about maybe Sam and Dean could each find a significant other, not white picket fence, but...something, with someone already in the life, who gets their life. There’s Dean’s move from despairing and believing the only ending he could have, the only ending any hunter could have, is dying with a gun in hand, to Dean’s enthusiasm for the concept of retirement, Dean’s wistfulness about finding a significant other, for what he thinks he can’t have, and he starts the cycle all over again, if he can’t have it, then he wants Sam to have it, so Dean encourages Sam with Eileen. Saileen, the Dean-blessed, Dean-approved Sam ship. Dean ships it. And that is how the canon is trending, complete with Sam and Eileen kissing goodbye and saying “this is real” and even God himself saying their feelings were real, “that was all you,” even if God manipulated events around them. Which is an overt mirror to Dean and Cas and Dean’s expressly stated doubts about what’s real and what isn’t, and Cas telling Dean “we are.” 

Much the way Sam has been witness to Destiel, and has often pointed out Dean’s Cas feelings. Dean’s got a front row seat to Saileen and approves; Sam’s had a front row seat to Destiel and approves. 

Let’s throw in Robert Berens’ work in The Trap here, since that’s relevant to this specific topic as well, because why did Sam and Dean in the potential future timeline where they’d killed Chuck give up and cave in to their vampire instincts? The world being overwhelmed with monsters...and losing Eileen and losing Cas. It’s right there in the dialogue. I’ll give you the quote and everything:

Sam and Dean in 15.09 “The Trap” by Robert Berens:

SAM: You want to quit? What's happened to you, Dean? Ever since -- DEAN: Ever since what? We lost pretty much everyone we've ever cared about? Ever since the Mark made Cas go crazy? Ever since I had to bury him in a Ma'lak box? Ever since then? Yeah. You know why? 'Cause the monsters -- they're everywhere. Everywhere! What we do -- it's not even Hunting anymore. It's whack-a-mole. We don't even save people. Every friend we've ever had is either dead, or they got wise and they packed it in. SAM: Jody's still fighting, and Bobby -- DEAN: Bobby has a death wish, and you know it. And Jody -- ever since what happened to Donna and the girls, she does, too. And after Eileen... so do you.

“Ever since” Dean had to bury Cas in a Ma’lak box. “After Eileen...so do you.” 

So there’s this canonical long, long thread across multiple authors (and those weren’t even all the quotes, I’m sure people could dig up more) about Dean in particular yearning towards finding a significant other, some contentment, with someone who already is in the hunting life, who gets it, who understands.  

An episode that flat out shows how losing their significant others is the final straw that rips out Sam and Dean’s last will to fight, and they lose themselves, and after they’re turned into vampires, they just...give into the darkness. Where Sam gives up their shot at destroying the big bad because losing everyone they love is too high a cost. Where losing Cas makes Dean lose hope, where losing Eileen sends Sam into a death wish mindset. Sam and Dean don’t just need each other. That’s not canon, it never has been.

And then right after that, along comes meta episode The Heroes’ Journey. Sorry if you don’t like The Heroes’ Journey, but it’s what the canon did, it’s textual, along with everything else I’ve pointed out here, and in among the crackish humor are some real emotional narrative points. 

In The Heroes’ Journey, Dean gets to see Garth’s life. Garth found his significant other, Bess, and she’s another werewolf. Now, Garth’s life resembles the traditional white picket fence idea a lot more than what Team Free Will are headed for. Garth has a big house with a porch, and he’s a dentist. He’s also a werewolf and his wife is a werewolf and his kids are werewolves because Bess is a pureblood werewolf, Garth didn’t exactly leave the life, and he helps Sam and Dean on a case. But nothing’s been indicating to me that anyone in Team Free Will is headed for that kind of settling down, with a house, becoming a dentist. However, the canon has been practically shouting now, as we near final episodes of SPN, to make the point about a desirable outcome--some kind of stability, contentment, and a significant other. Dean gets a front row seat to seeing a hunter can have that. Garth’s a hunter who turned into a werewolf and he can have that. 

When EP’s talk about how they aren’t headed for a white picket fence or driving off into the sunset or settling down, none of that rules out them finding...something...with someone, and some form of stability and contentment.  Nope, I can’t really imagine them in the suburbs becoming dentists. But canon sure is putting up big neon arrows to...something. Think outside the box. This isn’t about the white picket fence. 

And in The Heroes’ Journey, Dean, conked out on the good gas so Garth can fix his teeth, has a trippy dream where he dances with a lamp.

Rewatch the ep. Look at how the dance is choreographed not just the use of light, because that’s a clue too. The whole dance could have been Dean and Garth being dancing bros, but Garth fades off the stage, and Dean dances alone...until he grabs the standing lamp. In a season where Dean and Cas’s relationship is an A-plot, define it how you like, it’s A-plot. Their breakup and their reconciliation, which played like a marital breakup and reconciliation, are tied to major mytharc beats. In a season where a long-running textual theme about Dean’s developing hope for retirement and his wistfulness about “things...people...feelings...” is getting further play. Where Dean and Cas’s relationship continues to be one of the show’s most central ones.

Dean dances with a lamp. While his emotionally fraught, intense close relationship with Cas--A BEING MADE OF LIGHT--has a long-running arc and recently more and more textual level content spelling out the sublimated romantic interest in small words, while there’s an arc about Dean’s yearning for that stability, contentment, a significant other.

CONTEXT. 

We don’t think Destiel’s “going canon” because Dean dances with a lamp, it’s that Dean dancing with a lamp is kinda loud serving as reflection of canon textual arcing. Sometimes subtext adds a layer. Sometimes subtext is directly tied to the surface layers, an echo, a highlighter.

I’ll just be over here, crying because Dean danced with a lamp.

#Dean Winchester #Castiel #Destiel #Destiel meta #spn meta #spn #supernatural #Saileen

[angelswatchingover]

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how, if Supernatural wanted a nostalgic call back in their series finale, instead of wiping out everything the boys had ever learned, they should have called back to what is generally considered the best episode of the entire series, Swan Song. And a brilliant way to do that would have been to have Jack be the narrator, paralleling Chuck in Swan Song. Ugh! I can just imagine it...

Jack’s voice over flashbacks montage-style: On May 15th 2008, Dean Winchester was dragged to hell after making a deal to save his brother’s life. On that day thousands of angels, the most powerful weapons in the universe, converged on hell all with a singular mission: to save the Righteous Man. Most didn’t know that the true nature of their quest was to start the Apocalypse that would change the world. Most didn’t make it out alive… For 40 years they fought, battling hoards of demons and even their Fallen brethren in the unfathomable depths of hell’s expanse. None of the angels knew which one of them would find and raise the man from the pit since this was a chapter that Chuck hadn’t thought to write carefully. By chance or fate or purely the passion of his will, the angel Castiel was the first to find Dean Winchester. By all accounts, he shouldn’t have been a special angel, just a grunt in a vast celestial army. But the moment he gripped Dean and raised him from perdition became the most important moment in the history of the universe. In that moment everything changed. That’s where this part of the story began. And here’s where it ends.

The episode continues on with Sam and Dean living post-Chuck life but Dean is still passing out drunk in mourning and struggling with the loss of Cas. Sam still does laundry and Dean still cuddles Miracle but it’s Sam who finds the Pie Festival in hopes of getting Dean out of his funk. At the festival, we get an emotional moment between Sam and Dean. Dean tells Sam that he can’t shake the guilt and they need to get Cas back. They decide that family doesn’t end with blood and they’ve got to do what they can to save him. Maybe Book of the Damned, maybe Rowena, maybe Jack. Who knows? You get the idea... they research.

Next Jack narration: Castiel, of course, was never supposed to be exceptional. Angels weren’t created with free will and he was no different, but there was always something special about him. He was the angel with the crack in his chassis but from that crack sprung a miracle… an angel who would chose free will and chose love.

Back to Sam and Dean. They prepare to save Cas. Dean prays to Jack who of course, is on board to help save his father. It was great to see Bobby in the finale and hear about heaven’s changes so maybe the spell requires a soul from heaven or something. Jack brings Bobby and he reveals that Jack is fixing heaven and that Bobby is now with Karen and he sees Mary and Ellen and Rufus and they are all happy. They plan the spell to save Cas. Also, Sam and Dean have a heart to heart about what’s next. They both want to keep saving people and hunting things, but maybe do it smarter and also have a life.

Another break to Jack narration: What does it mean for an angel to love? For Castiel, it meant questioning his faith and finding it again in his new family. It wasn’t always an easy journey, but he had two good teachers in the Winchesters. Sam taught him to always keep fighting, no matter the circumstances. And Dean taught him how to love with his whole heart and to be willing to do anything for that love. And sometimes, it was just to love life itself, in all of it’s simple pleasures. The flavors of a PB&J sandwich, movie marathons in the Dean cave, listening to Dean’s top 13 Zepp traxx, and late at night when its quiet in the bunker, deep talks with Dean over a glass of good whiskey. Love, it turns out, would be worth it all.

Back to our story – The ritual goes south, of course, and they get caught by the Empty. It isn’t going to let Castiel go and it’s going to kill Dean, but Cas rips out his grace so that he’s not an angel any more and the Empty has no claim on him. He and Dean are expelled back to Earth to hugs from Sam and Jack. Cas seems sad and worried about being a human, but Dean tells him he’s got a home with the Winchesters and tells Cas how much he is valued, not for his angel powers, but just for who he is (paralleling what Cas had told Jack). This eventually leads to an awkward ‘me to’ or ‘I love you too’ and a kiss.

Begin ending montage of Sam, Eileen, Dean, and Cas living life: on hunts, at the beach – toes in the sand, pregnant Eileen, a kid or two at what looks like a family picnic with our main four and the Wayward ladies and Garth etc., driving down a back road in the Impala, injuries and fights, in the bunker on the phone with hunters, aging together, you get the idea… a balanced life.  

Final cut to Jack narration: So, was it all worth it? The pain and the struggle and the losses? I think it was. Because at the end of the day what’s all of this about? It’s about the life we choose and the bonds that we make along the way. It’s about learning to love someone else and learning to love yourself. And above all, it’s about knowing that we fight for each other because we aren’t in this alone.

Fade to black.

One of the things I loved about Swan Song was that narration. It gave the whole episode a feeling of gravitas that 15x20 severely lacked. If Jack had narrated this as the new God the way Chuck had, it could have hit on SPN’s most important themes: love, always keep fighting, you are not alone, family don’t end with blood. Instead what we got was a hollow callback to times before all of those lessons learned and growth. Excuse me while I got punch a wall.

#Supernatural #15x20 #Carry On #Dean Winchester #Castiel #Sam Winchester #Destiel #15x20 Destiel #alternate ending #Jack #should have narrated #and they should have saved Cas #and had lives!

[acklesterritory]

That Kind of Love Never Dies_Chapter 1

Hey guys, Now that more voted to split my fictions in 2 parts, I'm back with the first part. I hope you like it. Don't forget to leave me feedbacks. I'll always appreciate them. Love you all.

This is for writing event @tvdspngirl314

My quote is "That kind of love never dies"

Dean x Reader series (just 2 parts)

This chapter words: ~5k

Series warning:

Angst, fluf, smut, angry Dean, hurt Reader, hurt Dean, there's some more but I hate spoilers so I insist on "Angst & Hurt"

It all started with a stupid argument at home. What was it? Three months ago? Sam couldn't remember the exact date but after years, it was the first time this awkward coldness between Dean and Y/n had started to build. He could remember the first time he and his brother came across Y/n like it was yesterday, they were hunting a very nasty creature who used to kidnap young and lonely women at night, then got them wrapped in ropes and ties on a bed in a warehouse to rape, torture and feed on their blood until the victim either died or accepted to turn into one of his kind.

Sam could remember the helplessness in people's eyes too. The pain of the victims' families, the frustration and anger on cops' faces when no one could find the criminal yet, even after the sixth missing girl.

"Sammy, he just kidnapped another girl. And I think I know where he's gonna take her. Let's hunt this son of a bitch."

When Dean was saying that, Sam never expected him to fall in love with the woman they would save that night. Well, unfortunately they weren't fast enough to prevent any harm to the girl. When they arrived and Dean killed the nasty creature, Y/n was almost dead. The monster had already raped her, tortured her … and when he felt the hunters enter the place, he drank almost all of her blood, to gain more energy to fight. So as always, Dean was up to blaming himself. Of course only in his own eyes, not anyone else's.

"Call Cas to come home. Tell him it's an emergency."

Dean told his brother when he finally could get Y/n out of those ropes. And Sam knew he was right. At that point, no one could save Y/n unless God or his angels. Maybe she was not so lucky coming across a nasty supernatural creature like that but she was lucky enough that Cas arrived just on time and healed her. However, angels can only heal physical wounds. But Y/n was hurt much more than that. She couldn't just move on from the things that the bastard had put her through. Even after Cas tricked her brain to forget some certain things, she still had bad nightmares and had this dark shade of hopelessness in her eyes. Soon, she started to eat and talk less and less. And Dean just couldn't let her go. He really wanted to fix all of that for her but she kept shutting him out… until the depression hit her. It was so bad that Cas felt the need to tell them to prepare themselves for her death. Because after all those days and unlike everything else in their lives, The Winchesters were already used to her presence around them; like the way a lonely person can get used to a wounded cat more and faster than anyone else.

"I'm not gonna hunt until I'm sure she can live her normal life." When Dean stated that, Sam really thought he was joking. But after a few days he started to believe it. Dean truly would do anything to keep her alive. From cooking vegetables to laughing at his own dad jokes in front of Y/n to make her smile. That was when Sam started to feel that they can be more than a random hunter/rescued victim relationship! It felt like his brother had finally found his motivation in life: "Saving Y/n."

Gradually Y/n started to respond to this special attention from Dean with trust and smiles. Soon they became a power couple that could motivate each other so easily that sometimes Charlie would call them out. And honestly Sam had no problem with it. In fact Y/n had become his other sister.

"My God, Dean! You're burning up!" It was two day after a werewolf hunt in which Dean had got hurt. At first it was just some scratches on his arms and chest. Yet as the time passed, more symptoms started to appear: headache, pain, fever, cold sweat, even nose bleeding and before they could figure it out, Dean fell unconscious. Apparently the claws of the werewolf were poisonous. However Sam wasn't sure. The only thing he got no doubts about was the fact that it was already too late. Dean couldn't make it to the hospital. So either Sam had to do anything possible to save him or Cas should've picked up his God damn phone.

"No. no, no, no, no. Dean … Dean!!!"

That was when Sam got to hear Y/n's helpless cry and see her true feelings. She was already in love with his brother.

Luckily, unlike typical love stories; no one died that night. Sam's antidote worked. And Dean opened his eyes an hour later.

"Sammy … Y/n?" As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Y/n grabbed his face and put her thirsty lips on her beloved hunter's, letting the tears stream down on her face… and then his.

"Never do that again." She begged, breaking the kiss, her trembling hands holding Dean's face so she could look into his eyes.

Sam couldn't stop his smile remembering how cute they were. Y/n literally had Dean wrapped around her little finger, to the point he accepted to teach her how to hunt and soon she was part of their team too. Until … a few months ago. After two years of them being constantly close to each other, Sam could tell something was off when Dean started to go out without eating breakfast with Y/n. Of course she got suspicious after the third time and that was when their endless arguments started.

"Why don't you just tell me what's wrong?"

"Because nothing is wrong, Y/n."

Actually there was. Something was VERY wrong. Anyone could tell that just by the change in Dean's eyes whenever he wanted to look at Y/n. Day by day he was getting more quiet and cold. Now they didn't even eat pie together or watch movies late at night. And Sam couldn't ignore his brother being grumpy or drunk on hunts, not anymore.

"Ok man, I've had enough. You either tell me what's wrong with you or next time I won't make any excuses so you can leave Y/n out of our hunt plans. I'm serious, Dean, I'll tell her the truth." He finally said, when they were alone in the impala, on their way to do their next hunt.

"She wants more."

"More?"

"Yeah. Sometimes it's like she sees more in me. She thinks we can have a different life. There's no need for any saying, I can see it in her eyes whenever we accidentally come across some family at a diner that try to feed their kids or people's wedding photos whenever we go to talk with some witnesses or whoever during the research! Sometimes she even looks up wedding dresses or kid stuff on the net!" Dean blew his anger out of his nostrils and sighed, shaking his head.

"Wow." Sam couldn't find the proper word to say but he couldn't hide his surprised face either.

"What?" Dean gave him an annoyed look.

"I mean …" Sam chuckled. "… are you telling me you're actually angry with her for imagining the things you always dream about?!"

"Sam …"

"No, really. I'm just curious. What's wrong with you, man?" Sam asked genuinely, waiting for an answer.

"What's wrong with me?! You think something is wrong with me just because I'm the rational one in this relationship; who's actually able to see the difference between a dream and the reality?"

Yeah, anyone could take that earnest speech, but not Sam. He'd seen and knew enough about his brother.

"What's the reality? Aren't you and Y/N living that dream life already?"

"What?! No. No … that's not the same." Dean shook his head.

"Really? How is it not? It's been two years, Dean. You two are constantly with and/or around each other. Always worried when the other one is in trouble and still looking at one another like there is nothing in the world that can make you happy as much as this relationship. So … excuse me if I won't buy your pretty speech; man ." Sam said, Rolling his eyes.

"Ok, let's say you're right but ... is it gonna be like that forever? With all the supernatural crap that we have to take care of … and the constant danger and chaos in this hunter life we have… I …"

"You what?" Sam asked when Dean didn't finish his sentence. He was lost in his thoughts, staring at this unknown point in the depth of the road. Finally he blew out his despair.

"I just can't let her fall for the things I know I can't provide for her. It's not fair, Sammy. It's not fair to lock her up in this dark life with me just because she loves me … especially while I know there is a whole bright future out there waiting for her."

"Here we go, the old Dean's self-doubt" Sam thought to himself as he took a deep breath before finding the best words to wake his brother up from this nightmare

"Yeah, I know but I don't think it's your call. If Y/n wants to go to hell with you instead of living in heaven with someone else, it's her choice. Not your responsibility. Right?"

Dean shook his head while his lips curved up a little to fake a smile but he never answered or said anything about that conversation ever again. He kept his silence for like three weeks … until someone new showed up: "Gary Smith". A tall man with the most stylish haircut and the most perfect teeth and smile.

They saw him for the first time at their hangout bar, as the new bartender who almost jumped in Y/n's way as soon as they entered the bar.

"Oh my God, bunny! Is this really you?" He said, pulling her in his embrace. Like she was the long time missing piece of his beloved puzzle!

"Bonny? You're wrong. Her name is Y/n." Dean said, pretty annoyed by the way Gary tightened his arms around Y/n's little shoulders, making him chuckle.

"No, uh … it's just a nickname." Y/n said as soon as the guy let her go.

"Yeah, actually the most fitting nickname that I could think of. I mean … you have to agree. She got the most cute little ears in the world." The guy explained, chuckling and pulling on her little star earring. Well, if Sam wanted to be honest, he had to agree with him. He never paid any attention to it before but now that Gary mentioned it, he could tell Y/n's ears were truly small.

"I see … So … I guess this means you were close friends?" Dean said, already hating the way Y/n e's blushed with hearing her old nickname.

"Uh … well, no. Actually more than that." The guy grinned, ruffling his own hair while he was awkwardly laughing and looking at Y/n. Just like a proud embarrassed teen!

"We used to date." Y/n said.

*oh* Sam tried his best not to let that stupid grin sit on his lips but Dean's frown and his sudden heavy silence didn't let him do so.

"Yeah. We are kinda each other's first. Like … you know? prom date." The man added, giving Y/n a wink while Dean's gaze was still locked on his large arm around her shoulders.

"Yeah. It's been years, Gary."

"I know. But believe me, bunny. you still look the same." He said, bending to put a kiss on her right cheek.

Dean would kill him. Sam just knew that. Because his brother's eyes were already burning with jealousy.

"By the way, don't you wanna tell me who these gentlemen are ?" The guy asked Y/n, giving her his softest smile.

"Of course. This is Sam and this is Dean. My colleagues who are my friends now. I live in their place."

After they met, everything got even more complicated. Y/n, the girl who was still trying to get old-happy-days Dean back suddenly stopped whatever she used to do. No more complains, no waiting at nights to see Dean before going to bed, no more effort to get involved in hunts, no nothing. And despite what Dean had claimed before, it was making Dean even more frustrated. Day to day he and Y/n were getting colder towards each other and there was nothing he could do to fix it. That was what made him even more furious. Sam already knew all of that and he still had to live with both of those grumpy faces. So last night when they began to fight, he could see this was coming: Y/n left the bunker after Dean let some hurtful things out of his mouth, just because he didn't know how to deal with all the heartache anymore. He now was convinced that Y/n didn't love him anymore. Yet the next day after drinking whatever strong drink they had, he begged Sam to come with him. Apparently Jodie texted Dean about Y/n being in her place for that night. Just to make sure that her crazy step son won't sell his soul over a tracking spell! So Dean almost begged his brother to be there with him, cause Dean believed that as much as Y/n didn't care about him, she still respected Sam and cared about him. Like a little sister and her elder brother.

So here they were, In Jodie's living room, in front of her and Y/n.

"Considering your sleepy eyes, I think we caught you at bed time, huh?" Sam asked, checking Y/n's obvious eye bags.

"Who says that? I'm totally good, Sam."

She said with a small smile, looking much more in control and stronger than before. So Sam knew it was a lie. Y/n Just had made her peace with what had happened last night. The realization۹ kicked Dean in the gut. Y/n always used to be stronger and bolder when she got hurt.

"I'm gonna make some coffee for us. Why don't you guys take a seat till I come back?"

Jodie interrupted, to ease the heavy and sharp silence that suddenly had fallen over all of them.

Y/n gave her a smile.

"Of course."

It was so fake. Her smile didn't even curl her lips completely. She was still badly hurting.

Sam swore in his head when he looked over his brother who sank silently into the nearest seat at the end of the table like a broken shell that he was too . One of Dean's hands was in the pocket of his jacket, the other formed a fist on the table. Sam was sure Dean knew it too. He knew everything was almost past saving. "Almost". Sam tried to stick to their small chance.

"So …" He cleared his voice before he put some (semi fake) hope into his words."You're … you're gonna come back home today or did Alex and Claire made you promise them otherwise?" He laughed and tried to make it funny but the truth was he asked this for Dean's sake, knowing he already was struggling to find the words … to let Y/n know how much he wanted her back … to ask her to come back.

"To be honest … I don't think I can live in the bunker anymore." Y/n said and as Dean's head snapped up to look at her in horror, she raised her hand to stop his (likely) protests.

"I applied for a job 3 weeks ago and to my surprise they called me this morning to tell me I'd actually got it."

*What?*

No one had to ask it. The question was already hung in the air. She snored mockingly in her nose. "Perfect timing, right?"

She moved her gaze from her interlocked fingers on the table to Dean's eyes.

He didn't answer, he didn't move but he got tense. Still staring back at Y/n.

"Why didn't you tell us?" Sam asked, once again saving Dean from asking the question he was itching to ask with some other words that for sure couldn't be nice.

"I wanted to but I didn't think I could actually get it and even if I did, I never figured out how to tell you. Besides, I never considered the "move out" option before..." She looked at Sam for a second before she turned her gaze on Dean. "... But I actually appreciate that you bring it up. I think now I can take the advice. I'm gonna move on."

Sam's heart dropped in his stomach when he heard those words. Because he knew what this meant. It felt something like having to watch Dean get stabbed in the heart.

"Is this … because of that Bartender?" Dean asked, staring deadly at Y/n with his bloodshot eyes. He was already chewing on his bottom lip. And Sam knew a heavy storm was on its way to hit them.

"I don't want to answer that question."

*shit*

"Why? Because you can't just simply say no?" Dean scolded and Sam could see how it pushed on Y/n boundaries.

"No. Because it's not your fucking business and it's not Gary's business either. But at least he knows his limits."

*well, fuck*

"By "limits" you mean when he drools on you just because for God knows whatever the reason, you started to wear leather jackets when we go there?"

"WHAT?!"

*Oh, fuck* Sam thought to himself, watching Y/n rise from her seat.

"You think … you really think that I …" she laughed nervously and Sam could tell she would punch Dean in the face if she wasn't a sweet, super nice person.

"How you can even …"

"I can even what, Y/n? Are we now going to pretend like I'm a blind man who can't see how you got attracted to your ex again? Did you really think I couldn't see how your hands were shaking when his filthy face lighted up by seeing you for the first time after all these years?"

Sam wanted to interrupt him or at least leave the room but everything was happening so fast.

"So what? Why and since when you care about my private life?"

"Since you stopped drinking bunker's beers just because you rather drink those crappy poisonous cocktails he makes at the bar!"

Dean was on his feet now as well. And despite his will, Sam couldn't stop his smile. He never saw his brother this jealous before. It was fun.

"Poisonous? … You … of all people, you are the one who says this? cause as much as I know, you're the one who puts dormitives in my guest's food so the poor guy gets tired and can't spend his time with me!"

"Yeah, because your poor guy is not welcomed in MY PLACE!" Dean yelled, punching the table with so much power that made everyone almost jump out of their skins.

"Dean!" Finally Sam interrupted but as soon as he stood up, someone rang the doorbell and Sam could hear Jodie welcoming someone inside.

"Guys … I know it's not my place to interfere but you two really need to sort things out somewhere private … of course that's when both of you can be much calmer than this."

"No, we have nothing to say or to talk about, anymore. Your brother was clear enough when he said he wants me to move out, so I'll move out. And that's it."

Y/n declared, looking at Sam to resist any eye contact with Dean, probably to make him even more crazy.

"And that's it? You wanna ignore that part where you were too eager and ready to accept that suggestion and leave the bunker instantly like your pants were on fire?!"

Dean retorted while Y/n was shaking her head like she couldn't believe him.

"Whose pants are on fire?" Jodie interrupted as soon as she re-entered the room with the coffees she'd made, this time a man was with her. Y/n's guy. The famous bartender.

*Oh, No!*

Sam sighed, closing his eyes for a second so the guy couldn't read his face.

"Obviously not mine." Dean hissed through his teeth, looking first at the guy and then at Y/n with such a disappointment and rage that no one could ignore.

"Hey, what's wrong?" The guy asked, choosing the worst spot to stand on: right next to Y/n.

"My typical life I guess. Nothing's new." She mumbled in reply to him but her eyes were still on Dean.

"No, nothing is wrong with your life, Y/n. It's about your choices. That's what's wrong with you. As always." Dean said bitterly. As sharp as a knife, as cold as ice. Sam could see how it drained color from Y/n's face.

"You better watch your mouth, buddy." The Gary guy warned Dean and Sam could tell that if it wasn't for the sudden thud sound that stole everyone's attention, Dean would throw a fight right there. But …

"Y/n!" Jodie almost screamed. Y/n was laying on the floor, seemingly unconscious.

"Oh, God." Sam said as Jodie rushed to her.

"Y/n? … Y/n can you hear me?"

As she sat next to her, Gary's fingers already were on Y/n's carotid pulse point. So Sam couldn't stop himself from looking up at his brother, who was still standing where he was. In shock.

"Oh, shit!" Gary's worried voice made Sam check Y/n's pale face again but Jodie was the one to dare ask the question which was on everyone's minds.

"What? What's wrong?"

"Her pulse ... too faint." He said before turning to Dean: "Is she bleeding?"

"Bleeding?" Dean blinked and mumbled in confusion.

If it was up to Sam, he'd ask *What bleeding?* & *Why are you asking this from my brother?*

"Oh my. You still don't know. Do you?" Gary sneered.

"Know what? What's happening?" Jodie was freaking out now and Sam actually felt the same. He didn't like the way this stranger pretended like he knew her better than them. However what happened next was much more unexpected. And … rude!

To everyone's surprise, the guy reached out to Y/n's jeans and drew his hand between her legs but before anyone could react, he spread her legs open so it could be possible for everyone to see that big red stain there. Then he raised his hand. It was all wet and red in blood!

"She's having a miscarriage." He revealed.

Sam's gaze instantly caught Dean's ... Burning. Dean was burning inside with his heavy silence.

"Don't you worry. It's not mine." Gary added more fuel to that hell with such a mocking tone, staring right back at Dean's eyes.

Now Sam could feel it. The storm was there: rising in his brother's roar!

Before Sam could've moved any muscles, Gary was already pinned to the wall, Dean's hands on his now-ripped-out collar.

"Dean, no!" Sam jumped in, trying to catch his brother's arm before his fist make any contact with the guy's nose but all he could do was changing the direction of the punch which landed on Gary's shoulder, making a painful cracking sound.

"I said no … Dean, stop it." Sam had to literally cage Dean in his arms so the furious man couldn't tear Gary apart.

"Get off me, Sam. This son of a bitch has to learn his place."

"Enough!" As Dean just broke himself free, Jodie's scream stopped everyone in their tracks.

"It's enough!" Jodie warned all three men, pointing at them one by one.

"You want to fight? Not here. Not in my house!"

"But ..."

As soon as Dean opened his mouth to protest, Jodie cut him:

"And you … you should know Y/n is pregnant with your twins. So … you'll be a responsible man who will try his best to save them or you can get the hell out of here and never come back!"

"What?" Sam was too shocked to suppress his reaction while Dean couldn't even find any words to say. His confused look darted between Jodie's face and Y/n's figure while his parted lips kept moving without making any noise, just like a dying fish on the shore!

"I promised her not to tell anyone but it was a promise under normal conditions, not this." Jodie sighed, struggling to keep her emotions under control. Sam saw the worry in her frown. Like a real mother, worried for her children. However it was nothing in comparison to his brother's blank eyes and pale face.

"Dean, It's ok. We just need to take her to hospital. … it's ok, man. I promise."

He had to grab Dean by his jacket, as his brother was struggling to process all of these in his head.

"Come on, man. We got no time. Do I need to do this alone or you'll …"

"Get the car, Sammy."

It was just a simple sentence. Yet it had enough power to make Sam's heart sank. Since Dean had put the car keys in his hand saying that, Sam couldn't stop thinking about that tone. Dean never had called Baby a "car" In years. And Sam had never heard that crack in his voice since their Dad's death.

"You ok?" He finally let himself ask, two hours after they arrived at the hospital.

"I want to be." Dean closed his eyes and put his head against the cold wall, letting the dim light to darken the shadows under his eyes.

"I'm sure she'll be good. She's strong, Dean. You know that."

He smiled and Sam looked away not to watch him. He knew that smile. Dean used to give him that, whenever everything was gone so wrong that Dean couldn't promise him anything good. Like when both of them were still kids. Hungry, cold and all alone in a rusty motel room where John had left them on their own for a one day long hunt but then a heavy snow had crashed the roads and kept them apart for half a week. So Dean had to wash the dishes and do the laundry in the motel to rent the room for another day and provide some snacks so they wouldn't starve to death. But after three days, the hotel managers didn't want them to be around. And Sam could vividly remember that smile on his brother's face when he asked: *Where should we go then?*

"You were always such a father material. You know?"

Sam admitted with a broken smile on his face.

"You were always responsible, kind and caring with me as a kid. And I can't imagine anyone who deserves to be a father more than you."

Dean took a deep breath and opened his eyes without looking at him: "But I don't want ... I really can't, Sammy."

All, it certainly wasn't the response Sam had expected. He used to believe that Dean would never turn down any chance to start a family with Y/n. Especially after everything in the world was back to normal.

"Are you kidding me? You always wanted this."

"No …" Dean finally turned his gaze to meet his brother's confused eyes. "No, Sammy. Not like this. I don't want to raise another kid without his mom. I'm not that strong anymore."

Dang. Once again Sam's heart dropped in his stomach. Dean was really helpless.

"Mr. Winchester?"

Dean was on his feet as Sam just realized the doctor's presence.

"It's me."

Sam prayed for any good news as doctor took a glance of Dean and fixed his glasses on his face …

"To be continued …"

READ CHAPTER 2 HERE

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The next and also ultimate chapter will post on Sunday, April 25. Thanks for reading.

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