#obviously 9/11 was a tragedy

[veryobsessivefan]

please reblog or like this post if you believe MCR saved your life with their music. Gerard Way was inspired by 9/11 and I'm really wondering if the number of lives saved outweighs the number of victims.

#obviously 9/11 was a tragedy #and nothing can bring back each individual victim and who they were to somebody #and i mean no disrespect #but i am really curious #MCR saved my life #i dont know what i would have done without it #my chemical romance #gerard way #frank iero #mikey way #ray toro #fall out boy #panic at the disco #emo trinity #mcr

[oifaaa]

To expand on the last anon- it's almost always women of color who get the most shit. Obviously from the fanbase, "Talia's an abusive mother" and all that, but also from writers! Talia was introduced as a morally complex anti-hero who hated killing, then 9/11 happened and suddenly she's this cold bitch. Shado was introduced as a compelling character who posed as a great narrative foil to Green Arrow and was complicated but clearly not evil, and then she SAd him. Jade Nguyen lost her entire family at a young age and was raised as a soldier which would've made such a great contrast to Roy and the Titans, both raised to fight but one for good and one for bad, but nope! She's a cold unfeeling neglectful mother who SAd Roy when he was high. It's just exhausting the way characters like Dr Freeze get to have the tragedy of what they've forced to do explored, they get to be sympathetic and likeable, but Talia, Shado, Jade, and so many others lose that opportunity. Fuck.

sorry didn't see this yesterday but yeah completely dc writers themselves seem to struggle with keeping morally grey characters grey on a good day but when it comes to woman of colour they just drop all pretences completely if they can write a woman of colour that previously had a very nuanced character as pure evil they will not hesitate

#ask #anon

[pareiwheeler]

i’m gonna rate pjo ships because i’m bored and my opinion is Correct

percabeth - 11/10, i actually love them so much i don’t think there is a single ship i love more than them.

grover/juniper - 7/10, they’re cute, i just feel like there’s no depth there. also wasn’t grover willing to cheat on her with that daughter of iris?!?! correct me if im wrong but …🤨

jiper - 2/10, actual snoozefest like i’m sorry but it’s just copy and paste percabeth without everything that makes percabeth good. also they’re both queer and were forced into the relationship by hera/juno

valgrace - 10/10, I LOVE THEM. the tragedy the trope i just. ugh i love them

caleo - -890/10, hate it.

jercy - 9/10, they’re silly, also love a good enemies to lovers trope. at the VERY LEAST they both had a lil crush on each other

percico - 1/10, it rubs me in all the wrong ways, especially with the age gap and the nature of their relationship. i can’t see them as anything but friends who occasionally run into each other and have awkward catch-ups. obviously love the unrequited crush but the relationship is . Different

solangelo - 9/10, used to hate them but then i read s&ts and cut them some slack. just wish will was an actual character instead of just “nico’s boyfriend :3”

jeyna - 8/10 SO much potential but i still feel like it would kind of be basic. also reyna kind of throwing away the idea of being with jason when percy showed up was odd

pipabeth - 10/10, silly silly silly. i love them. also love the idea of a little polycule with percabeth and pipabeth and jercy. i’ll shut up now

valdangelo - 10/10, almost feels like what rick wanted solangelo to be. like sunshine character with a tragic past x dark character with a tragic past in its prime. they’re also hilarious

frazel - i DESPISE the age gap. i wish rick would have just made her 16 like everyone else because 13 x 16 is such a huge gap in emotional maturity. she’s a kid dawg 😭🙏 OTHER than that they’re cute, but i really hate the gap

valzhang - 7/10, honestly can’t see frank being into leo LIKE that but it’s a fun ship, they’re honestly so silly especially in mark of athena. they hate each other (besties (boyfriends))

jasico - 10/10, Oh the tragedy i can’t take this. like if it wasn’t tragic i wouldn’t like it if that makes sense. but the image of nico needing to be held back from shadows so he won’t freak out and avenge jason himself Ohhhh yeah that hits hard

perleo - 5/10, eh, they’re just friends to me. BEST friends, but that’s it

ruegard - 10/10, the patrochilles parallel will ALWAYS GET ME. they better kiss in the show

#don’t mind me just saying the same shit everyone else has said billions of times #can’t help it if it’s right!!! #multi shipping save me #save me multi shipping #percabeth #grover/juniper #jiper #valgrace #caleo #jercy #percico #solangelo #jeyna #pipabeth #valdangelo #frazel #valzhang #jasico #perleo #ruegard #parei talking about pjo #pjo hoo toa

[gardenianoire]

bad news gang my air mattress has a leak in it which means I will sleep on the floor tonight

obviously this isn't the biggest tragedy in the world but the only other furniture in my apartment is an ottoman and a bookshelf neither of which I can sleep on

the mattress is the priority but a bed frame and sheets would also be appreciated

also made a fundraiser for just the mattress

https://www.paypal.com/pools/c/92AI2HTXeH

I would have been able to afford it myself but I was still under 90 day probation from my job (which ended on the 7th) so no paid holidays off (mardi gras break is a thing in new orleans) so my paycheck was not paychecking it was just enough to cover bills and food and the such and my next paycheck is 11 days away :(

venmo: xandrachantal

cashapp: $jocedun94

idk I'm gonna mention I'm mental ill and out of compliance with my treatment because I work 8:30 to 5 and most medicaid therapists and psychiatrists can only see patients 9 to 5, I'm Black, I'm working class (obviously), I'm a preschool teacher idk does any of this move y'all?

#help

[glorianas]

obviously the foreign policy choices of the us after 9/11 was really bad and i understand the resistance to the constant invoking of it to justify horrific deeds HOWEVER i do think it is a personal tragedy to new yorkers and they can really feel however they want about it because a terrorist attack in your city that killed 3,000 people is really terrifying

[tmntober-2023]

Welcome, everybody, to

🐢 🍁 TMNTober 2023! 🍁 🐢

An Inktober-inspired month-long event where every day will be assigned a prompt that you can write or draw something for!

🐢 Rules & guidelines: 🐢

All prompts have to be TMNT related, obviously, but they can be of any iteration, including fan made ones.

Post your art and writing on whatever platform you want! If you want it archived here though, post or link it on tumblr and tag this blog!

Tag your art with #tmntober 2023 or #tmntober2023. I will make a point of going through the tag and reblogging as much art as I possibly can to here!

Your art doesn’t have to be done on time and you don’t have to do all prompts. First and foremost, have fun!

Since this month ends with Halloween, I expect some art may involve horror themes, and if so, will be tagged appropriately. This is an appeal especially to writers, as I’m not sure I’ll be able to read every single piece, to tag your works with proper warnings, please.

Every day, there will be a post announcing the current prompt! If you lack inspiration for any particular prompts, I may leave some ideas in the tags :)

🐢 PROMPTS: 🐢

1. Warm-up!

2. Eyes

3. Teeth

4. Bones

5. Act

6. Improvised Weapon

7. Begrudging Alliance

8. What a tragedy!

9. Trap

10. Under-appreciated non-turtles!

11. Glitch

12. Dance

13. Devour

14. Press Start!

15. Try again?

16. OC spotlight!

17. Roots

18. Fairytales

19. Machine

20. Mask

21. Greatest fear

22. Favorite episode

23. Unlikely pet

24. Teenage

25. Mutant

26. Ninja

27. Turtles

28. Full Moon

29. That is not a person.

30. Scary Movie

31. Halloween!

🐢 Image version of the prompt list by @wutdeedido! Look how cool!! 🐢

Happy creating, everybody!!

EDIT: I did find out after the fact that there’s a buncha other tmntobers out there! If these prompts don’t work for you, try some of these!

- the tmnttober2023 account (with two T’s! Unlike mine!)

- @/super-un-stable’s tmnttober2023 with a list that is a piece of art to me

- @/oopsmypencilslipped’s tmnttober2023 with a swag poster

#tmntober2023 #tmntober 2023 #pinned post #teenage mutant ninja turtles #tmnt

[shinelikethunder]

You mentioned in one of ur posts abt dunking on agents of shield and im so curious what writing you were talking abt (genuine question i love AOS but i’m bad at recognising bad writing lmao and i’m nosy)

under a readmore because AoS is one of the few bad shows i've ever given enough fucks about to outright fucking loathe

i made it through all of, like, two seasons before i ragequit, so i can't speak to anything it did afterwards, but i am always down to clown on those two seasons for being creepy culty police-state apologia, having one of the most egregious cases i've ever seen of "entire fictional universe contorted into a rube goldberg machine whose sole job is to frantically prop up a shambling putrid mess of protagonist-centric morality," spending its CA:TWS tie-in throwing spite tantrums at the whole movie for having the gall to suggest that Maybe The Real Tyranny Was The Post-9/11 Security State We Built Along The Way, devolving from mediocre but serviceable case-of-the-week in s1 to undifferentiated arc-plot mush in s2...

like i know the fandom likes to wank eternally about Ward, but he was at most a moderately entertaining symptom of a show that never met a jackboot it didn't want to fellate sloppy style, yet lacked the skill to even make a point except by flinging ever-more-ludicrous strawmen at the screen. its tragedy was always that the characters were just likeable enough to make you wanna scoop them up and find them a forever home on a show that was slightly less dogshit.

obviously different people watch shows for different reasons and get completely different things out of them; i assume AoS fans have their own aspects they're invested in, likely involving the characters and having very little to do with the show's politics. i'm not accusing them of anything except, like, dubious collective taste in character-centric flamewars. but i cannot watch it without going into a white-hot rage and wasting more words on it than it deserves, and my mid-2010s back catalog of stupid fucking hills to die on includes "my reasons for finding this show rancid may not be relevant to your viewing priorities, but they are an unassailably fucking valid reading of those first couple of seasons."

#untagged/unrebloggable because i don't foresee my opinions of s1-2 ever changing and have no desire to join AoS fandom's local food fights

[thesoulshyperrealaslacreatura]

Drakenier: Violence as expression and affirmation - Pt.1

It has become a rather well-known piece of trivia (or at least, well-known within the niche internet circles I flow through) that 2010's Nier Replicant / Gestalt had its overall message thoroughly inspired by well, 9/11 - the discourse that produced it, that came of it, and became it. Although it may not be a direct quote, "to kill someone, you don't have to be out of your mind, you just need to believe you are correct" is a sentiment clearly echoed throughout the game; as the many layers of its central and side conflicts drop alongside the curtains to its second, third (and maybe kind of fourth) playthrough, so does what had, for quite a ways into the game, seemed like a story mostly about finding, nurturing and protecting a community - people to call home.

However, the statement above seems to somewhat conceal-so-as-to-merely-hint-at what I'd argue is a much more complex argument the games lay forth, when looked at as one series. I, myself, have found it difficult in the past to distill both Replicant and the wider series as a whole into one coherent message or thematic frame; partly (and beautifully), because there mustn't be one - this singular reading which eclipses the broad range of experiences that people have come to share with the series - such an idea is preposterously reductive. Still, I think that this mish-mash of "the game is about philosophy and tragedy and nihilism and existentialism and society and humanity and life" and whatnot misses a bit of where the different themes intersect, producing further instances of meaning from the text. I hope to discuss the evolution (were I to sound even more pretentious, I might have used the word genealogy, but I would never stoop to that) of a few central concepts surrounding drakenier's "philosophy of violence" and where they seem to have informed or have been informed by other aspects of the works.

Strap in, because just from writing the introduction I can already tell this is gonna have to come in multiple parts. Hopefully my writing can steer away from boring you to tears throughout all of it.

Spoilers for the whole series!

Part 1: Replicant, and the subjective experience gained from that funky 9/11 fun fact

"Blood is sound, sound is words, and words are power"

This quote, almost a chant from Weiss as the player starts to grasp the gameplay loop of attacking enemies to allow for magical attacks, ties in the game's teaching of that system with what I consider to be the most powerful writing from Replicant (I'm going to refer to it as Replicant for the sake of convenience, obviously Gestalt is included in that). And it is deeply tied to what Taro himself has credited as a major source of inspiration for Replicant in relation to his previous game, Drakengard.

In some ways, Nier Replicant isn't introducing a new, foreign idea over the original Drakengard, so much as bringing out new elements from within its predecessors' critiques of the gaming landscape. Though that only really becomes clear by taking future foresights the series would reach into account; this is the point at which it becomes prudent to ask ourselves one question - how might the game's design regulate the player's interaction with the game world? (A question that, if you're at all even familiar with Drakengard, you probably already know the answer to)

From this, we can extrapolate a lot of meaning from how the original Drakengard was conceived: a game about violence, from the perspective of people who were so immersed in their own awfulness and the general precarity of their world that they cannot enact anything but that same violence. And it is that violence which comes to define them.

I'd also like to do the pedantic thing and bring up the fact that violence can be thought of as more than just physical harm, but also in terms of violation. In that sense, when I claim that Drakengard's characters are defined by violence, I mean it in that their reduction of other people to objects serves as an exertion of themselves - the Dynasty Warriors inspired combat of cleansing battlefields as the only win state reflects back at Caim as his only method of building an identity of his own, one based on strength demonstrated from conquering his enemies. You might find that these 'enemies' are violated the moment they're placed into the game as props that sustain its overall narrative.

In fact, this 'loss of personhood as self-affirmation' theme reverberates into another key factor of the game's story: pacts. They explicitly deprive humans of something of themselves - their ability to communicate, to see, to age, to have hair (sure????) -, and reduces both parties into one shared essence, yet it is what permits its characters to have strength through which they find themselves as able to inflict that dehumanization onto others. Dehumanization becomes their characterization, both from the audience's perspective as well as in-world.

Following that, Nier Replicant does not dispute that destruction of the other simultaneously inflicts upon the self both corruption and affirmation. If anything, it only takes measures to strengthen that sentiment, in light of how the added theme of perspective brings forth a need to now more closely study the subjective experience of perpetrating violence. Thus:

"Blood is sound, sound is words, and words are power"

The gameplay system I've anchored this analysis to comes into play; attacking your enemies gives you the literal strength to continue your offense, by design - ridding them of their life force, their blood, perpetuates the narrative, the words being built, the sealed verses of a prophecy you've set for yourself: that of being a hero to your sister/daughter, friends and general community. This even extends to the lyrics of Ashes of Dreams:

"Are we the plaything of fiends or merely the dreams that we're telling ourselves?"

Though we shouldn't forget that Weiss' comment takes the form of X=Y=Z=W, and it seems I've neglected the 'sound' part of the sentence. As I was writing this, my brain immediately made the association between that and Drakengard 3's focus on the power of Song, which, in fairness, definitely was made with the rest of the series in mind - but, in this instance, that sounds like a bit of a lucky coincidence. Still, what the concept of sound brings to the statement doesn't seem too far off from what meaning could be made at a bit more of a general, rudimentary level, that being: our lifeforce (blood) translates into our ability to be heard (sound), thus effectively giving us narratives about the world around us (words), which gives our actions direction, purpose (power).

From that, we can take a closer look into a lot of different aspects of the game. After all, the reason I proclaimed this piece of writing to be so powerful isn't really because I could - and did - stretch its interpretation to its fullest, but also from the way it manifests itself around the struggles of various characters, while being tied to the game's overall systems and world. Emil receding into his identity as a weapon in order to redirect what he sees as his curse onto those who seek to harm his friends - leading to his sacrifice; Weiss, who also goes on to sacrifice himself, does so in the name of putting an end to this now 5-year mission, grown into his own center of existence; Louise, perhaps reacting to the world around her, saw humanity as something to claim from others, and faced erasure upon perceiving herself as incapable of acquiring it. For better or for worse, the moral codes characters create from their own intentions of living become rigid scripts to follow as self-fulfilling prophecies of their own identities.

We can see that, ultimately, characters across both games tend to follow journeys with a general structure of: bleak circumstances > feeling of powerlessness > violence as a misguided means of reclaiming the power to define oneself > entrenchment in violence becomes overbearing, coming to annihilate the very self which sought to instigate it. From the first Drakengard to the first Nier, this hasn't changed a bit. What changed is a distinct awareness in how the self, or what we might call "us" stands in conflict with the generalized other, "them", and where it uses morality as a catalyst for smoothing out the uncomfortable edges of that conflict.

In fact, the annihilation of the self as, paradoxically, an act of self-affirmation is the very core of ending D for Replicant. And this is, partly, where the inciting 9/11 quote comes into play - given our newfound empathetic understanding of where violence comes from, how do we process it? How do we make sense of it? From the way the world is established, the very act of surviving, for both replicants and gestalts, is somewhat tainted as immoral, and predicated on the erasure of an 'other'. It leaves room for later material to find itself more at ease with this question (and those circle back nicely to ending E from the new version, as well). For now, most of what the game feels comfortable in concluding comes from Kainé, who stands in contrast with most characters by fully rejecting the notion of being a moral agent throughout the entire story, yet the game still offers us the chance to save her - it, mirroring the protagonist, relentlessly believes in her. Not even that "she can be better", whatever better might mean, just that "she can be".

And obviously, finally, we can extrapolate plenty of social commentary from this. Playing off of the thematic material introduced in Automata, we could argue that Replicant's plot is, in retrospect, about slowly building up to the depiction of a certain "Death of God" - which, in nietzschean terms, is not merely society straying from religiosity, but represents an irreparable shattering in the very idea of a centralizing narrative that everyone could subscribe to and fit within. So ends humanity, not just as a species, but as a concept; no longer are people able to identify themselves as containing some unified essence of 'humanity', recognizing the other as a complete self in its own right, as they retreat into the violence that was inflicted against them, which they inflict back at the world - to have your totality reduced to a role in a play that the winner gets to write. And in that sense, I'd argue it captures specific facets of a post-9/11 climate pretty well.

Anyway, gonna make a separate post that's just about Drakengard 3, and then one that's just about Automata, but at a later time!

also, this thesis becomes more relevant when the time comes to analyze automata, but it was still helpful in having me think through the previous games, so I'll drop it here as a reference for now, and will mention it more loudly once we come to specific sections later (not about to be the next target for hbomberguy lmao): http://dspace.library.uvic.ca/handle/1828/14525

Cool that there are people writing about it!! Thank you Xinlyu Tan, the goat!!! Would love to go through more material, but I'm writing this for fun on the side... hope anyone reading this has enough fun with it to go looking for more on their own, go extend the discussion further, blah blah blah. Also hope that I make any sort of vaguely coherent point. And, lastly, I hope you enjoy yourself!

#drag on dragoon #drakengard #drakengard 3 #drakenier #nier series #nier #nier automata #nier replicant #nier gestalt #drakenier analysis

[backtothedisaster]

For the ask game

All character/ship specific ones will be for Tw0F4ng (if it's character specific you can just do either Fl4k or Zer0 if you want. Or both if you want to do both)

3, 5, 9, 10, 11, 12, 17, 19, 22, 24, 25

Obviously don't have to answer all of them bc it's a lot but idk I like your opinions they're neat

OF COURSE <3

3. NoTP? i dont really have one for fl4k but for zero...zerhys sorry. Im a known rhys disliker and i just dont see it 9. Write a recommendation of someone else's fic you enjoyed! THIS ONE...oh my god. i dont read fic much but this permanently rewired my brain. it influenced a lot how i interpret fl4k and zer0 and their relationship 10. What's your favourite piece of fanart for [character]? Ok im kind of just picking drawings that theyre included in because i really like them. These two 11. What's your favourite piece of fanart for [ship]? auuuug i have a hard time choosing but i think this one 12. What's the funniest or craziest AU idea you've ever come up with? I guess not funny or crazy (kind of tragic if im honest) but ive been thinking a little bit about a fl4k/zer0 au that takes place several decades in the future after most of their friends have. well. Died. (i think fl4k and zer0 would have a significantly longer lifespan than the rest of the raiders because robot and..alien(?) thing..Youve just gotta trust me on this one) Anyways i dont have any real like...plot or anything really for this au i kind of just like the concept (I am a sucker for tragedy) 19. What's your favourite thing about [the borderlands fandom] (the people in it, not the media you're all enjoying together)? So many creative people in this community...its the first real fandom space ive interacted with in a while and its nice. lots of cool people here 22. Give us a headcanon for [character] Ok normally i would answer this one but i spent all my creative energy on an essay earlier...consider this my IOU 24. What's your favourite thing about [character]? Fl4k was actually a character made in a lab for me i swear to god. An archivist bot developing sentience and deciding become a hunter to serve a personification of death... im sorry but is that not literally the coolest shit ever. Maybe it would be easier to stop falling into the stereotype of "every nonbinary character is nonhuman" if they would stop making them so fucking awesome as for zer0. their offputting demeanor and autistic swagger has captivated me

i answered as many as i could ^_^ enjoy yay

#borderlands #fl4k/zer0 #tw0f4ng #ask #i guess i could tag the individual chrs but id ont feel like it #also this is my 500th post...yaaay

[transmascutena]

these are the episodes that have the fairy tale prince story at the beginning: 1, 3, 8, 13, 16, 31, 33 (the visuals are different here, and i think the voice is too, but i'm not certain), 35 (starts out the same but goes on to show what really happened as revealed in the previous episode.)

lots of rambling about this with no real conclusion under the cut:

i've always kind of assumed it was a little arbitrary when they chose to reuse this scene, and usually it feels like it's simply there to take up more time in the episode, hence why it's there in some of the more filler-y ones (even though i hate using that term for the show.) of course the repitition in itself is thematic, but why at these specific times? obviously it has to be in the first episode, and it makes sense to have it in the third as well, to remind people and to show its importance, but also because utena's desire to be a prince is more relevant than usual in that episode, and is the first time we really see it outside the context of the dueling game. it makes sense that the recap episodes have it too, 13 because it is a recap and utena's backstory is important, and 33 because both the story and that episode are very important for utena's arc. 33 is especially interesting because it's the first time the scene changes, reflecting that utena might be starting to think about it differently. or think about it less, maybe, since the visuals of it are missing. and then the last time we see it in 35 makes a lot of sense too, since we've just gotten the true story which recontextualizes the whole thing.

this just leaves us with 8, 16, and 31. all of which are nanami episodes. if they wanted the story repeated to the audience more times, why not have it in episodes centered more around utena? like 9, the first time we get more context to utena's backstory? or 11 and 12. maybe 25, where akio reveals that he is the prince? or 30 where utena starts to question her devotion to the prince? why in nanami's episodes?

the first two are the body swap episode and the cow episode, and those could be written off as needing more scenes to pad the time out, and it not mattering too much since they're the sillier ones anyway. but her tragedy? i feel like there has at least has to be thematic relevance in that one. although, it does have several other scenes that seem to just be taking up time, like the one where we have to look at touga standing in the shower for a full 18 seconds. you could say these are all episodes that explore the theme of princehood, but i think that's a little bit of a stretch, and is only be true because it's a theme that shows up in every single episode of the show in some form anyway. these are not particularly special as far as that goes. as an example, i think it's a way more prevelant theme in episode 6 than it is in episode 8, both of which are first arc nanami-adjacent episodes. i can't see much reason for one to have it over the other than just. filler. but i want to read more into it so badly.... is it just that nanami and utena are parallel to each other? but then, not all the nanami episodes have it. is it in the cow episode because the cowbell and the ring are parallels? i think they could be, in the same way that people have pointed out the parallel to the earrings, but an even more obvious parallel is between utena's ring given to her by akio and nanami's own dueling ring given to her by touga, and we don't get the prince story in episode 10. does it mark episodes particularly important to nanami's arc? ehhhh, i could see that for cowbell of happiness and her tragedy, but curried high trip is not anywhere near as important as, say, the egg episode, or, again, episode 10.

i really wish i could come to a conclusion other than "it's there to fill up time" because that's so boring, but i can't really find much evidence to support any other reading. if you have other thoughts on this, please share them with me

#utena #nanami #m

[omgthatdress]

Nanea’s School Dress is a pinafore-style dress that was popular at the time.

The print is a pink-and-teal tropical floral. Having dug around a lot in the history of Hawaiian prints, I’m left frustrated. Not so much by the dress itself, but by the fact that I don’t have enough references to tell if the pattern is authentic or not.

Hawaiian print goes back to the 1920s, when the tourism industry in Hawaii really got underway. Unsurprisingly, there are a lot of individual people and shops claiming to have made it first, so it looks like a case of a bunch of people having the same idea at the same time. Japanese fabric printers at the time used wax resist-dyed fabric to make kimonos, and tailors began adapting that fabric to make bright, colorful shirts. Soon, the more traditional Japanese prints began including colorful florals and patterns inspired by traditional Hawaiian barkcloth tapa, and a booming industry got underway. Then, Pearl Harbor happened. The Japanese printers were put out of business and sent to internment camps. Soon, printers from the mainland rushed in to make a buck filling the gap using silk screen prints. After the war, tourism came back with a vengeance, and the designer Alfred Shaheen set up shop, adding neon-bright colors and mid-century atomic design elements to the mix. Hawaiian print as we know it today was born.

The trouble is, there’s obviously a pretty big discrepancy with pre and post-war prints, but I haven’t been able to really get a good enough look at extant pre-war prints to be able to say very much about it.

One of the kind of stereotype-y things about Nanea’s collection is that it’s ALL tropical print. While Hawaiian women certainly did dress with a local flavor, they also wore plenty of non-tropical stuff, too.

On another note, I absolutely fucking adore her little espadrilles! This style of shoe started ouy among Spanish peasants in the Pyrenees mountains, but were popularized in the 1930s by shoe-maker Salvatore Ferragamo. They were lightweight and comfortable and perfect for summer wear.

Anyone who remembers 9/11 will remember the “remember 9/11″ kitsch that turned up everywhere later. Pearl Harbor was no different. Part of it was cashing in on a very public tragedy, part of it was recognizing the trauma that everyone had just lived through, creating patriotic national unity, and justifying the war that was about to come. Patriotic “Remember (an actual pearl or piece of mother-of-pearl) Harbor” pins were a popular accessory when WW2 began. It may have led to a nightmare after 9/11, but nobody is going to say that American entering WW2 wasn’t justified.

(Franklin D. Roosevelt Presidential Library)

#1940s #American Girl #Nanea

[queerofthedagger]

20 Questions for Fic Writers!

Thanks so much for the tag! <3

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

132 which. insane.

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

1,520,700 which is even more insane. anyway

3. What fandoms do you write for?

BBC Merlin, Stranger Things, The Sandman, The Raven Cycle, and Lord of the Rings, and coming soon probably also Black Sails, let's be real

4. Top 5 fics by kudos?

Old Haunts (Are For Forgotten Ghosts), A Study in Choices and Second Chances, I Wouldn't Leave You If You Let Me, Still I Surface in Morning Light, and Fate Rests Heavily On Our Shoulders. I'm never not baffled by the fact that my two most popular fics not only are for HP, but are for Regulus/Harry. Like. That tag has maybe 100 fics???

5. Do you respond to comments?

Yes!! Sometimes it takes me a while but I'll tend to get around to them eventually <3

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I think that's a toss-up between my my s5 Morgwen AU With Eyes Wide Open, and the one where I made the Diamond of the Day worse, watch all my bridges burn

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

This is such a difficult question because Angst with a Happy Ending is kind of my brand. That said, esp where Merlin is concerned, one thing I think about a lot is the inevitability of tragedy and how, no matter how many fix-its I write, personally I believe that most of them, if I didn't end them before the fact, would eventually end in some kind of tragic way, actually. Like. Very rarely is Merlin not immortal, or the world not against them, or or or. So in that vein I guess one of the happiest ones would be We Can Always Run because it's such an utter rejection of destiny, an utter refusal to even pretend they're playing the game.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Very rarely, thankfully.

9. Do you write smut?

Occasionally, yeah! It's a constant process of pushing at my comfort zone tbh, but I do enjoy doing it (ha), so!!

10. Do you write crossovers?

Nope, it's just not really my thing, neither for writing nor reading. Obviously never say never but yk.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Unfortunately (don't do this).

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes! Such a cool feeling, I love the thought of them existing in other languages in the world <3

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope; there have been and are a few plans for that floating around though 👀

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

This is so hard but in the end it gotta be merthur, like, because I love them to pieces but also just for the sheer amount of words I've written for them. Not sure if/how that would ever get topped, especially considering it's like, on-going.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you will?

There's a bunch of HP WIPs I would have loved to finish, but I've fallen so utterly out of love with the fandom I don't really think it's ever going to happen at this point tbh.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Worldbuilding, plots/characterization, and prose; I think I'm solid in those and they come easily to me/bring me the most joy when writing. Editing, in a way, because I'm an obsessive bitch with a system about it.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Descriptions; I'm just not a very visual writer, which is not too huge of an issue when writing familiar characters and settings in fic, but becomes immediately and glaringly obvious whenever I 1. introduce non-canon stuff, or 2. have a go at OG. Also planning/outlining; I can make a bunch of notes but if I write an outline, I will not write the fic. I don't think it's necessarily a weakness, but it can make a bunch of additional work when it comes to the plottier stuff.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language?

Not the biggest fan tbh, which I know is probably controversial but odds that your audience will understand it are low if it's more than a bunch of words you can guess from the context? I prefer the ""dialogue," he said in Latin" approach. It's subjective though I get it.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Bandom RPF at like, 12 (not telling you which band peace and love). I took a long fandom hiatus until a couple of years ago though, and under this fandom alias it'd be HP/Tomarrymort.

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

Still There Are Many Names In History, I think. I love a lot of stuff I've written, but that story has my entire heart in it, and the response to it has left me sobbing like. a ridiculous number of times which, like, is not something that I usually have to deal with lmao.

No Pressure-tagging: @prattery @emryses @glaftwlet @snapshotmaestro @merlinemrys @atlantablack @insane-ohwhyfandoms @hazelands @aeonthedimensionalgirl @slantedknitting and anyone else who'd like to, just say I tagged you <3

#tag games #mona's writing #i have so many of these to catch up on but this one just was so much fun i had to do it real quick

[blatantescapism]

Ah yes, it’s that special day where once again I find myself wondering what the ever-living fuck Joe Finigan was thinking.

This is the story of how I utterly failed to have the appropriate emotional reaction to 9/11. Mind the trigger tags. I’d add more but I ran out. This story is insensitive by nature and I probably shouldn’t share it, but it’s also such a weird slice of American life that I kinda feel like I gotta.

So, context.

Columbine happened in 1999, when I was in 5th grade. Schools across the US started to be like, “hm, maybe it’s time to actually address this issue somehow.” Our elementary school brought in some random police officers to talk about it. Police who, if anything, had been trained in how to make kids more traumatized.

We didn’t have active shooter drills back then. They were just like, “Hey kids, I want you to imagine this fucked up scenario that I am vividly describing. What would you do if it happened to you? Do you have a Plan? Will you be able to stick to your Plan even while your classmates are screaming? You should think about it hard, in graphic detail, so that when the time comes you won’t hesitate to make Tough Choices. Breaking your leg because you jumped out a window is still better than being dead! Listen to this story of a girl who hid under a desk, but then the gunman found her and she couldn’t escape because there was no room to maneuver and so she was trapped and the gunman shot her while she bravely said her prayers, we have a weird creepy obsession with painting the victims as modern Christian martyrs and we totally invented the entire story but you won’t realize that for at least a decade. And remember: don’t run in a straight line, run in zigzags so that you’re harder to shoot.”

So yeah, that was 1999, we were 11 years old, and we took that shit very much to heart.

Two years later, it’s 2001. There have been 15 new US school shootings in that time. My sister and I are in middle school, it’s early in the school year but we’ve started to get into a normal rhythm,

Suddenly there is a totally unexpected blare on the intercom. It’s Principal Joe Finigan, he is about to make the most significant announcement of his career, and for some fucking reason he decides that THIS is the best thing to say:

“There has been a, uh, a terrible tragedy. Everyone should go home now. Uh, ask your parents what happened. As far as we know, we are not a target at this time.” Click.

We don’t have any other sources of information. The teachers aren’t telling us what’s going on, but some are crying.

Obviously there must have been a school shooting in town. But what the hell did he mean by “as far as we know, we are not a target at this time”? That makes it sound like the gunman is still at large. Is this a sniper situation? Is it even safe to walk home? Are we going to have to line up in the office and take turns using the school telephone to call our parents?

We cautiously head outside, and there’s a line of parents already out there waiting in their cars to pick their kids up. Oh shit, it must be bad. Was it the kindergarten? Or the Catholic prep school?

Our mom is upset. She says she doesn’t want to talk about it while driving. She’ll show us the news on the TV when we get home.

We get home and steel ourselves to face the news, fully expecting to see the names of close friends and neighbors listed among the dead.

So please imagine how appalled our dear mother is when we say, “Wait a minute- all this fuss is because some buildings are on fire in a completely different state?!”

“As far as we know, we are not a target at this time.”

Dear Joe Finigan. What the fuck made you say that. Please tell me, did you genuinely imagine terrorists being like

“At this time, our target is the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. But next, we shall target a mediocre school in a bland suburban town that nobody has ever heard of! Ohoho! Ah hah ha ha!”

Anyway, there’s something to be said about how after both events, the US response was, “You see, this is why we need more guns. We tooootally promise they’ll only be used to hurt Bad Guys! After all, we’re the Good Guys! USA! USA!”

#9/11 #tw: violence #school shooters #school shooting #columbine school shooting #columbine massacre #columbine 1999 #trauma #tw: school shooting #school shooting tw #war on terror #nine eleven #dead child #dead children #triggering topics #gun violence #disrespectful #lack of respect #inappropriate reaction #violence #upsetting #inappropriate humor #us centric #tw guns #vivid imagery #world trade center #insensitive #american school system #gun legislation #active shooter

[tblueger]

15 people 15 questions

i was tagged by @girlfriendline and @babygirlboberrey THANK YOUUU

1. are you named after anyone?

no i just liked the name :3 ALTHOUGH. after i started using theo i watched teen wolf and the chilling adventures of sabrina, both of which feature a character called theo. but i had it FIRST. OKAY.

2. when was the last time you cried?

uhhhhhhh before christmas i think? but i can't remember when. or why. 👍

3. do you have kids?

IM kids. (23). no i do not and idk if i ever want to tbh

4. what sports do you play/have you played?

i used to play netball & a little bit of (field) hockey! also not sure it technically counts as a sport but i like to go ice skating :3

5. do you use sarcasm?

yes but in the bad, autistic way where no one seems to pick up on it and i have to explain it every time :/

6. what's the first thing you notice about people?

probably clothes ? i struggle with faces so even if i do look at that first, as soon as i stop looking at it it is completely blank. but also idk i don't. meet that many new people and whenever i do something where The Public is i try to avoid eye contact as much as possible.

7. what's your eye colour?

grey/green :3

8. scary movies or happy endings?

i'm a horror bitch forever and ever and ever. i want blood and tragedy and gore and destruction and that is why i am a fan of the minnesota wild. 🫶

9. any talents?

i hate this question bc what are we counting as a talent. um. every joint in my body cracks?

10. where were you born?

england ! big up yorkshire babyyyyyy

11. what are your hobbies?

i like writing and horror (resident evil and saw and texas chainsaw massacre and dead by daylight and friday the thirteenth an) and POKEMON and reading and ice skating. obviously hockey. i don't bake as much as i want to but i like baking as well ^_^

12. do you have any pets?

two!! two cats: spike (black and white tabby, incredibly clingy and anxious and floppy. my soppy silly baby) and tyla (fat and orange and So demanding and spoilt. he likes to be lifted into the sink so that he can drink out of the tap and insists on being escorted everywhere like a stupid little prince)

13. how tall are you?

5'9

14. favourite subject in school?

i was a little NERD. in school. i liked all of it. i have awards for further maths (like regular maths, but More) and chemistry so. maths and chemistry <3 except then i went and got a degree in chemistry which sucked and now i hate it. so.

15. dream job?

I Do Not Dream Of Labour. but author probably ... that's what i've wanted to do since i was like. 9 and read percy jackson LOL

and then i'm tagging. uh. i think everyone's already been tagged but im going to do it again. @timbitshockey @amandaleveille @masonshaws @girldewar @kittyjarry @wildaboutmnhockey @jasonzucker and? the girl reading this.

[amaranthine-enihtnarama]

Feel Alright (Goku x Reader)

(it’s going to be more fun that it sounds; manic pixie dream BOY, s3x; crushes, grief, hiding the past; friendships; jealousy; slow burn; “friends”; healing; growing; will-they-won’t-they; tension baby!!!!; canon blender)

taglist: @ilove-evanpeters @moonyscardigans @twinshii @raspberryhaterade @iwenttoshiratorizawa @uselessdoodlesdude @ferneskin @burneraccountant @bellaisasleep @arougeme @aurorarevenclaw1927 @applecandy14 @fingersnapples @langdoncult @loona-thebadchild @anlin2058

TW: Mature content in this chapter! (I’m leaving y’all well fed for thanksgiving) Also a little bit of angst!

If you’d like to join the taglist, click here and add a like!

When Bellatrix moves to the city after a personal tragedy under the wing of her friend Bulma, her life is completely turned around after she leaves everyone—including herself-stunned with the discovery of her own powers. Suddenly she finds herself swept up in a world of aliens, new bizarre planets and training, along with prospects of romance. One problem, though; she can’t leave the past to answer the new life that’s knocking at her door.

𝖕𝖆𝖗𝖙𝖘 (((𝖔(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)𝖔)))♡: part one : 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 / part two: 8 9 10 11 12 13 14

Inspired by @sevenstarsinning ‘s fic “Sweat”! Go check it out!

part five | home again

“Blood?”

I nodded again, hugging my blanket tighter around me.

“Blood. Like, a period, maybe.”

“But you—“

“Yeah, I know, I know, I’ve never had one,” I said with a slight frown, “I’m freaked the fuck out.”

“You’re not bleeding anymore, are you?”

I shook my head even though I was on the phone.

“Are you?”

“Oh—uh, no. But…that’s not it. I think Goku smelled it.”

“Oh, gross—I don’t actually want to know about how you and Goku fuck.”

“Bulma, we haven’t fucked! He was nowhere near my crotch. He just said he could smell something good, and then his behavior did a total one-eighty. I had to fend him off until whatever happened to him went away!”

She was quiet for a moment. “He didn’t hurt you at all, did he?”

I was taken aback by the question. “Bulma, come on. It’s Goku.”

“Did he?”

I shook my head despite the fact I was on the phone.

“Bels?”

“Oh—uh—no. Of course not. Goku was still very gentle with me, even then. He’s always gentle with me. He’s…always very kind and sweet.”

Bulma’s giggle let me know the tense moment had passed. I chuckled, rolling my eyes.

“Kind and sweet, huh?”

“Bulma,” I warned.

“What? Look, I’m not pushing anything, but Goku’s great. And you like each other! You can’t become some kind of spinster just because your ex was awful—I mean, some new action would probably be good for you!”

“I don’t think Goku’s not great, but…”

I sighed heavily, leaning against the headboard.

“It’s just…being back here, all the memories, all this new stuff…there’s so much changing so fast. I don’t know if I can handle Goku, too.”

“Why not let Goku be new stuff too? Your heart can’t heal if you hold on the past.”

“Bulma, I’m just not ready to go through that again. Things were great with Delilah in the beginning too, and look where that led.”

“Goku’s not—“

I inhaled sharply.

“Look, I know he’s an old friend and you feel you know him inside and out—but love changes people. When you’re heart’s genuinely touched, your fear, your resentment, your old pain, they all come back. We think we know ourselves, and what we would and wouldn’t do, but love changes us down to our very atom; who we are with and without love are two different people. It’s like meeting a whole new person, and I don’t want to meet the other person that’s inside him…or remember the other person inside myself.”

There was silence on her end of the line. I sighed, rubbing my forehead.

“I just…it’s only been what, four, five months now? I’m not ready. Okay?”

“Okay Bels, I hear you. I understand.”

I nodded, slumping. “Thank you. Okay, let’s forget all that—you obviously have a Saiyan situation going on.”

I grinned at the sound of Bulma sighing.

“Yeah, yeah, there kinda is,” she admitted.

“I can hear you smiling, you know—quit trying to act cool, it’s me.”

“Ugh, fine…it’s fucking amazing.”

I laughed as she made a little squeal and shifted around.

“Okay, okay, so basically, he was being an idiot per usual and overdid it in the gravity chamber.”

“Oh, so he’s still an idiot, huh?”

“Since when isn’t Vegeta an idiot?”

With a chuckle, I shook my head, leaving my bedroom and going to the kitchen.

“Okay, so he injured himself, and what happened next?”

“Well, I started finding myself keeping watch over him, and worrying a little about him…he had these nightmares often, so I’d stay while he slept…just, ‘cause…you know…”

I couldn’t help the smile plastered on my face.

“Bulma!”

“Don’t make it weird,” she insisted, “It’s not—“

“Bulma, please, I’ve never heard you talk about a guy like that before! Not even that Yamcha guy you wrote about, and he fucking died.”

“Well the son of a bitch cheated on me,” she said, “Funnily enough, Vegeta—oh.”

I paused from pouring my orange juice, raising a brow.

“Oh?”

“So…I haven’t told you much about Vegeta, have I?”

“Oh, no.”

“No, no, it’s not that—okay, it’s pretty bad.”

***

“Look, all I’m saying is, if I were you, I’d have some qualms about getting involved with a definite war criminal.”

“He’s not—he isn’t a war criminal!”

“Have you made sure?”

“Bels, you don’t get it—Saiyans are a warrior race, they’re all about power and battles and violence. Goku’s an anomaly.”

“No,no, I’ve grasped that; I’m just saying I wouldn’t fuck a crazy person.”

“Oh, he’s not—“

I gave her an incredulous look, and she sighed, rolling her eyes.

“Yeah, yeah, I guess that’s fair.”

“Mhm.”

I shook my head and looked out the window, frowning at the scenery below. The last time I saw, there was ice, then ocean, but now we were flying over lush green hills I didn’t recognize. By my memory, we should’ve reached the city by now.

“Where on earth are we, by the way?”

“Uh—just visiting a friend. There’s someone I’d like you to meet. I think he could help you with your power.”

I tensed. “I told you I didn’t want—“

“Look, if you can’t at least control yourself we’re all gonna fucking die, so just do this for me, okay?!”

My eyes widened as she blurted out her argument, and I was humbled into silence.

“Hmph.”

“Hey, you’ll see! Piccolo’s not as crazy as all of the other guys. You guys might actually get along pretty easy.”

“I’m skeptical.”

She chuckled, turning and landing. I sighed, crossing my arms, hesitantly looking at our destination. It was an interesting looking house; small and white with a round purple window. I could only describe its shape as something akin to a combination of a sea creature and an insect. Bulma parked and hopped out, beckoning me to follow. I hesitantly jumped out and onto the ground, rubbing my neck. I was really tired of meeting all of these new friends. Some tension formed in my shoulder at the sound of a deep voice. Whoever this was, they already seemed disgruntled by our presence.

“Why are you here?”

“Hey, Piccolo! I brought that friend of mine I took you to see that was out for a bit, remember? You said you’d help her focus her ki.”

“Who?”

“Oh you know, the one with all that power? She blew up the testing chamber.”

“You brought her here?! You realize this is where I live, right?”

“Well you didn’t answer your phone—none of you muscle-heads do!”

“Oh, right, that thing. It broke.”

“It what?!”

I winced at the volume of Bulma’s horrified screech as I came up behind her.

“Oh, relax,” I dismissed, “you can replace one lousy phone. You could buy every phone factory on earth if you wanted to.”

I looked at this new friend, and a spark of recognition brought me some ease.

“Oh, right. Piccolo.”

He probably wasn’t as huge as Broly was, but this guy was undeniably a giant. He must’ve been, what, seven feet tall? I sighed.

“Man, I’m tired of feeling short.”

Piccolo measured me up with skepticism, black eyes calculating and sharp.

“So, you’re the Bellatrix I saw in the med bay?”

I wasn’t phased. “Yup.”

I popped my lips, holding his intense stare. His brow furrowed slightly, and I lifted a brow. Bulma glanced between us uneasily.

“What’s this I hear about you being able to help me with my ki?”

He gave a slight smirk. “Oh, you’re up for it? You don’t look the type to be inclined to fight.”

“And you don’t seem the type inclined to offer training,” I shot back, putting my hands in my pockets, “But you’re right. I don’t care about combat, I just want to control my power.”

“Mm. It is volatile, I’d understand wanting to control it. But power like yours demands to be used.”

I frowned at him. “Well, too bad. Should’ve picked a different meat suit. I’m a scientist, not a warrior. Can you help me or not?”

He was quiet for a while, maintaining our staring contest, but then he chuckled turning away.

“Fine. Let’s start now. I’ll get my weighted clothes.”

He went upstairs, and Bulma scoffed.

“He could at least say goodbye.”

She quickly turned to me with a bright smile. “See! Told you you’d get along! I’ll get you later, alright? We’ll go out!”

My eyes widened with slight alarm. “Wait, you’re leaving me alone with this guy?”

“I’ll be back,” she urged, rushing back to the ship.

“What the hell are you running for?!”

“Bye-bye!”

“What—Bulma! What the hell do I even talk to this guy about?!”

I watched her fly away with disbelief, feeling a bit of sweat forming on my forehead. I jumped and whirled around to meet Piccolo’s eyes looking down at me.

“Good, you can sense energy. At least you’re not a complete amateur.”

I gave him a blank look as he brushed past me. “Oh great, another charmer.”

“We don’t need to get along. I’m just teaching you.”

I scoffed, following him. “How do you expect to teach people things if you don’t get along with him?”

“Oh, great, another talker,” he muttered, “Just pay attention.”

We walked silently for what felt like an eternity, until we came across a quiet brook that seemed attached to a lake in the distance. It was surprisingly nice. Under the gentle climate of the day with the pleasant sound of water, I already felt a sense of ease.

“Have a seat,” Piccolo instructed, sitting down by the water.

I did hesitantly, crossing my legs like he did. He didn’t look at me.

“I hear your power skyrockets when your emotions get out of control.”

“Yeah. Like a defense mechanism.”

“I see,” he muttered again, turning his piercing eyes onto me, seeming to observe something in the air around me, “It makes sense; your ki’s terrible. So scattered and volatile.”

I was a little offended even though he was right. He grunted, closing his eyes and looking away.

“I think the best thing to do is focus on grounding your energy, and separating its use from your emotions. I know you don’t consider yourself a fighter, but at least for now, if you don’t train your ki, it’ll become more restless, explosive, and erratic. You need to do something about that anger inside you, too. Combat will help with releasing that frustrated energy inside you.”

I frowned at the water. I really didn’t want to do that. I had no business trying to measure up to these crazy people around me—I could sense their overwhelming power; they could all probably break me in half like a banana. This was all ridiculous, I could figure out my own way—

“And that ruminating needs to end, too.”

I froze up, looking at him in surprise. He was giving me a harsh stare that actually gave me a bit of a scare. Could he hear my thoughts?

“You know, you remind me of another kid I trained. He was meek like you, although he had the excuse of being a child. But he stepped up when the time came, and he tapped into his potential. You have the same potential in you. The only thing that will make this difficult is your desire to make it so.”

I stared at him, mouth slightly agape, brow knitted with arguments wanting to bubble up in defense. He rose a non-existent eyebrow at my dumb expression.

“I…I’m not a fighter,” I said plainly.

To my surprise, he smiled. “Neither is he. Not for a lack of trying, mind you. He’s just not like me or his father.”

My gut sparked at the mentioning of his father. “Father?”

“If it’s returning to a normal life you’re worried about, you can do that too. That kid’s in high school now, and he’d still as much of a nerd as he was when I first met him. I’m not trying to force you to change your life, but your potential shouldn’t be wasted.”

I stared down at the grass that tickled my shins, listening to the water. I didn’t want to admit it, but I was scared. I know nothing of this life. I didn’t want to jump into this sea of stuff completely blind. I’d spent so much time feeling helpless and confused, it didn’t seem to me that putting myself into more of that was going to help my issues.

“I’m not ready for that,” I admitted.

“You won’t always be ready,” he dismissed with some harshness, “Sometimes life comes at us before we’re ready, and we don’t get the choice to decide when to let it in. All you can do is ride the waves until it becomes easy.”

His words struck me, and I looked at him in surprise.

“Despite what you may think, you have the strength to ride those waves. I can sense it. The only thing making you weak is yourself.”

I picked up a few blades of grass, staring at them in my palm.

“I guess I’ll tell you. If you promise not to tell Bulma.”

“That’s not hard to do.”

“Okay, my brother’s dead.”

He was quiet, but didn’t seem put off by the information, so I continued.

“He died a few months ago in an accident, fighting off some private investigator my ex-girlfriend hired to follow me, and I’m living in the observatory she built me. And now, after getting a sense of emotional solid ground, I look up, and I’m an alien species with superpowers that destroy everything they touch, and everything I’ve believed since I was a kid has been a lie.”

I sighed, wiping off my hand.

“It’s not that I’m weak. I’m just tired. And confused, and scared, and frustrated, and nine-hundred other things. I just want things to be normal again.”

I looked to him again, a little surprised to meet his eyes. “But I don’t want to put the people I love in danger. So if training with you can help me do that, then fine.”

He regarded me quietly with a new glimmer in his eyes, then nodded.

“I can help you do that. I…apologize for misjudging you.”

I smiled a little, nodding in return. “Okay. When do we start?”

He looked at the water, taking a deep breath.

“Close your eyes, and we can start now.”

I did as instructed, frowning a little.

“What’s next?”

“Sit up straight and focus.”

I muttered, a little annoyed by his authoritative tone.

“Okay, bossy…”

After straightening up, I let out an exhale. I didn’t know what he meant by focus; but I didn’t want another demand given to me, so I just focused on the sound of the water. With time and silence, the quiet trickle had filled my ears, along with the gentle rustling of distant leaves and passing breezes. My breath had deepened.

“You’re a natural,” he remarked, voice softened remarkably, “I’m surprised.”

“I did this all the time as a kid. I grew up in a place not dissimilar to this.”

“I see. Well, since you’re focused, let’s try tapping into your ki. You’ve done it before, right?”

The mentioning of it would’ve usually given me an anxious knot in my stomach, but I’d gotten so zen that I just gave an affirmative hum. I thought of the night I blasted Goku through the clouds, remembering separating our hands and the sensation of that aura. I exhaled as warmth grazed my neck, then shoulders, until my entire body had been embraced by the mysterious sensation. It felt calmer this time; I could appreciate the sensation of it buzzing against my skin. I felt like a plant soaking up the sun.

“Good start,” he affirmed, “Now I want you to focus it between your hands.”

I thought of Goku’s kamehameha with a bit of concern. Piccolo seemed to glean what I was thinking, though.

“Nothing crazy, not an attack. Just create a ball of energy in your hands.”

That sounded a little crazy, but I digressed.

I straightened up, clearing my throat, falling back into the creek again. The warmth grew around me and expanded into a little bubble. As I inhaled, it shrunk around me, and with every exhale, it expanded. I got a little fright when I exhaled, and suddenly I could see Piccolo’s sitting figure behind my eyelids observing me.

“That’s good, now focus it.”

The thought of attempting to shrink this giant aura I’d created around us seemed impossible, but I just took a deep breath.

“Okay,” I whispered.

Contract, I told myself as I inhaled, then exhaled, then inhaled again. I managed to shrink to just around me—Piccolo disappeared, although I could acutely sense his energy next to me. I shivered as the warmth left my shoulders and neck, and soon the giant sphere had become the size of a volleyball. There was a light shining against my eyelids that distracted me though.

Trying to ignore it, I contracted the sphere further, feeling the heat mounting beneath my palms as it got smaller and smaller. The light got brighter, too, and my the time I’d managed it into a ball, I was squeezing my eyes shut to block out the light.

“Take a look,” Piccolo said.

I curiously opened my eyes, and stared in marvel at the bright red ball of energy between my hands.

“Woah.”

“That’s your ki. I’m honestly impressed it’s so malleable.”

I widened my hands, willing the ball to grow, then shrink again. It looked like fire—if it didn’t blind you, of course—but it felt nothing like it. It was like night and day from the ki I’d felt when Bulma ran her test: this felt like life force; creation.

“It’s beautiful,” I whispered.

“Mm. I want you to keep working on that,” he said, suddenly rising to his feet.

I moved to do the same, but he gave me a look that kept me seated.

“Keep meditating and manipulating your ki. I’ll come back later.”

“”Kay.”

I did as instructed, shutting my eyes and expanding the ball of ki to surround me again. On second thought, Bulma might’ve been right for once; Piccolo wasn’t bad at all compared to the characters I’ve met the past few weeks. One hour with him and I’d become the calmest I’ve been in weeks. As the warmth kissed my skin, I smiled a little. I could sit by this creek forever, listening to it babble. I sighed peacefully.

“Hey, there ya are!”

The alarm of hearing Goku’s voice sent me flying into the air, and the warm ki immediately blasted out of control. Goku let out a yelp as the force of it knocked him out of the air, and we both crashed onto the ground. I let out a groan as a painful ache bloomed throughout my shoulder.

“Agh, shit…”

“Bellatrix! You okay?”

Goku rushed over to me, helping me up to my feet. I sighed, rubbing my shoulder in annoyance.

“I’m fine, it just hurts a little.”

“Heh, sorry about disturbing you. Your energy felt really good there for a moment.”

He rubbed my shoulder, smiling apologetically.

“Goku? What are you doing here?”

I removed Goku’s hand quickly in embarrassment as Piccolo lowered to the ground, approaching us. He gave Goku a reprimanding look.

“I sensed her energy scattering out of nowhere, I thought there was some kind of attack.”

Goku chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck. “Sorry! I just heard from Bulma that Bellatrix was training with you and I wanted to see!”

"She doesn't need the distraction," Piccolo said, eyeing me curiously.

I avoided his gaze with a blush; I could feel my ki blazing wildly inside me as Goku stood next to me.

"What? Bellatrix doesn't mind! Do ya, 'Trix?"

He looked down at me with a smile, and my energy knotted up even more. I looked away.

"Ahem...uh..."

"Goku, go bother Vegeta," Piccolo commanded a bit more firmly, "You're making her energy go haywire."

Goddamn it. I gave Piccolo a dirty look as Goku looked between us in surprise. He looked at me questioningly. I gave an awkward smile.

"Just swing by Bulma's place later."

He nodded, smiled, and flew off. I watched him go for a moment until I realized Piccolo was still there, then I whirled around, fixing my eyes on the ground.

"Go back to meditating," he instructed, turning away.

I let out a sigh of relief. "Sir, yes sir."

He took off as I sat back down on the ground, crossing my legs. I took a deep breath, starting to listen to the water again. My phone buzzed in my pocket.

I sighed sharply, rolling my eyes and taking it out.

My eyes widened.

Mom.

***

"You sure you want us to come?"

"She said she wanted to meet my new friends," I muttered, fiddling with the pens on her desk.

"Bulma, I don't like this thing," Goku complained, walking into the lab.

I glanced over briefly, then did a double take in confusion, seeing his new outfit. He wore boots, jeans with a brown belt, a white t-shirt, and a brown leather jacket. I stared quietly, unable to tear my eyes away.

"Wh--why are you dressed like that? You can wear your gi, you know."

"What? But Bulma said--"

"Bulma said nothing," she suddenly interjected, pushing him out of the room.

She shut the door behind her, giving me a smile. I gave her a confused look.

"What--"

"His gi was filthy," she said quickly.

"Okay..."

"Okay."

My eyes narrowed, but I didn't have the mental resources to be suspicious.

"Mm."

"What?"

I looked at her in confusion. "What?"

"That 'hm', what is that? I'm not doing anything!"

I laughed a little. "You know, you have got to work on being less conspicuous."

"I just want to make him a bit more presentable--"

"Mm, to meet my parents."

"It's not like that," she insisted, putting on some earrings, "Your family is very intelligent and a bit more...sophisticated than Goku."

I snorted, then laughed. "What? My family? C'mon, really?"

She gave me a look in the mirror. "Well, Adam is at least."

"Heh, yea--"

I fell silent, my stomach falling. "Oh."

Bulma paused, turning around to look at me.

"What is it—"

"Bulma, how long do I have to wear this thing? My arms feel like sausages..."

I glanced in a panic between the two as Bulma rolled her eyes, pushing Goku out of the room again.

"Wait. Outside."

She closed the door with an exasperated sigh, going back to the mirror and checking her makeup.

"I'm excited to see everyone," she said brightly, "I haven't heard from them in months, I was worried."

My voice was caught in my throat as I shakily got up. She rummaged through her purse to make sure everything was inside, then slung it over her shoulder, heading for the door. I rushed over before she reached it, grabbing her wrist.

"Bulma."

My intense stare stopped her in her tracks, and she fell silent, frowning.

"Bels?"

I squeezed her wrist, breath trembling. "I...it's...I need to tell you something."

"Well, we're gonna be late--"

"It's Adam."

Her jaw snapped shut and her eyes locked on me. I sighed.

"I'm...really sorry I haven't told you sooner."

"Did something happen? Is he okay?"

"He...he's dead."

Her jaw went slack in disbelief, and I watched the confusion in her eyes as my words processed through her mind.

"What?"

"There was an accident; Delilah sent this P.I. after me and there was a fight, and--"

"Adam's dead?!"

I winced at her raised tone. “I’m sorry.”

“No, no, I’m…I’m not mad, I…”

She stumbled over to her desk and collapsed into the chair. She stared at her hands.

“It explains a lot, though.”

I watched her sit in silence, then crouched down with a sigh.

“Wait, Delilah sent a P.I. after you? I—what—what happened?”

“You know Delilah, can’t leave me unattended for more than an hour. I sensed I was being watched, and I told Adam. He and the guy got into a tussle, then this motorcycle…and…”

I clapped my hands together, making an explosion sound.

“The ambulance came, but he had no chance.”

“Bels…did you see him die?”

I stared down at my hands.

“I never left his side.”

The ride over to my family home was silent. Bulma gripped the steering controls with a white-knuckle grip, and I sat beside her in silence, hesitant to look at her—if she was crying, I would cry, if she was upset, I would be ashamed. If she had no expression, I would give her one in my mind. Goku was surprisingly quiet; he didn’t ask what had happened, but he could sense the change in everyone’s mood and acted accordingly.

We landed near the farmhouse, and the sight of my parents’ home in the distance, warm and cozy and beckoning, made my stomach twist with anxiety. I didn’t know what to expect or what to do; how to act…I hadn’t visited since Adam had died, I hadn’t talked to any of my siblings or family. With a swallow, I took Goku’s hand as he smiled up at me gently, helping me out and to the ground.

“You’re shaking,” he said with some concern.

“I’ll be fine.”

He nodded, and moved to let go of my hand, but I didn’t let him. We exchanged a look, and he smiled again, squeezing my hand gently.

“You ready, Bels?”

I turned immediately at the sound of Bulma’s voice, and nodded.

“I can’t stay out here all night, anyways.”

She spied our interlocked hands and tilted her head, but didn’t give any outward reaction, turning around and walking ahead. We followed. Goku spoke to me in a hushed voice.

“Is she mad or somethin’?”

“I told her about Adam.

I lagged behind for a moment, leaning over to him.

“Keep this between us, but…she was a little in love with him.”

His eyes widened in surprise.

“I thought it was always just Yamcha…”

“I mean, they never got together, of course, Adam wasn’t…you know.”

“What?”

“Available.”

“What, he had a wife?”

“A boyfriend. Occasionally.”

“Oh…”

I smiled a little. “Yeah. But they were still close…although Adam was close with everyone.”

I watched her solitary figure brush past the dogs that ran up excitedly to greet her.

“She’s family, you know?”

“Yeah.”

I watched her go up to the porch and knock on the door. It opened, and my mother’s arms immediately shot out to embrace her tightly. They swung a little, then Bulma turned around. I hurriedly let go of Goku’s hand once I met my mother’s bespectacled eyes. Her gaze softened, and she smiled. I gave a strained one in return, waving a little. She waved back, gave Bulma a nod, and the two went inside. Goku and I had stopped walking.

I stared at the door quietly, hearing music coming from the windows being carried by the breeze. My legs felt like jelly. Goku eyed me curiously.

“You goin’ in?”

I blinked, looking up at him, then rubbed my chest as my heart pounded against it.

“I don’t…”

I bent over, feeling dizzy, bracing myself on my knees. I felt a bit nauseous. I felt Goku’s hand on my back, then both of then take my shoulders and pull me upright.

“Hey, they’re your family,” he said, pulling me in with his eyes, “They’re not gonna bite. I’m sure they missed you a lot.”

I held onto his hand, trying to take a deep breath.

“But I…if…”

“What?”

“If I go in there, without Adam,” I muttered, “It makes it all real.”

He was quiet. I wanted to lean against him, to feel some solidity; my body was all smoke right now. Goku hummed quietly, then looked into my eyes with a smile.

“Why don’t you show me the farmhouse first?”

I let out a labored breath. “What?”

His smiled faded. “Are you okay?”

“I can’t…”

I placed my hand over my chest, crouching down. Goku moved down to the ground with me, looking with concern.

“You’re not having a heart attack, are you?”

“Just feels like it,” I assured, breath trembling, “I think I’m having a little panic attack, that’s all.”

“Panic attack?”

“I’m just…feeling very scared.”

I looked at him, then averted my eyes in discomfort.

“Just give it a minute…”

Before I could pull away, he took me up in his arms, holding me against his chest. My eyes widened. I froze, but quickly fell slack at the sound of his steady heartbeat.

“You don’t have anything to be scared about. I won’t let you get hurt.”

I crumbled in his embrace, my pants leg soaking up the dew from the grass, inhaling his scent, hands trembling as I timidly grabbed onto his arm. I shut my eyes, feeling myself sinking into him, feeling his calmness, his steady energy, and I felt my own begin to calm down in response.

“That’s it,” he encouraged quietly.

My heart jumped. What was happening?

“Goku,” I whispered.

“It’s alright.”

I took a deep breath, feeling how my body rested in his strong arms. I felt his warmth; I could feel that little sun he shone onto everything around him, and it bathed me in its gentle light. I opened my eyes, staring down at the grass.

“I’m sorry, I keep having meltdowns around you.”

He laughed. “I don’t mind.”

I felt his laugh vibrate in his chest. The claw that gripped mine loosened its hold. I took a full breath.

“Why are you so nice to me?”

He touched my face gently, and to my surprise, the tension in my chest eased a bit more at the feeling.

“I like you,” he said plainly, “Why wouldn’t I be nice?”

I looked up at him, realizing how close we were—with Goku, proximity always seemed to become a very important concept.

“You’re too nice,” I whispered, glancing down at his smile and meeting his eyes again.

He only smiled more, shaking his head.

“No, I’m not.”

“Yes, you are.”

He leaned closer, chuckling. I didn’t retreat—I turned my body to him, wanting to take in the smile that glowed in his eyes. He pressed his forehead against mine.

“Nuh-uh.”

I laughed a little, and his smile got bigger.

“Your laugh is pretty,” he said, letting me go as I pulled away.

“You’re too nice,” I reprimanded, “Too nice and too sweet.”

We stood up, and he beamed at me.

“You’re not scared now, right?”

I shook my head, laughing again. He frowned.

“No, I’m not.”

“What’s so funny?”

I couldn’t contain my smile. “Nothing. You hungry?”

“Something’s funny,” he pressed.

We walked to the house, and I looked at him then glanced away.

“What is it?”

I didn’t know what to say. I reached up and pinched his cheek gently. He smiled and did the same in response, making me smile. The sound of barking took my attention away from him as the family dogs bounded up to us, tongues flailing and tails wagging eagerly. I knelt down, embracing them as they knocked me over on the ground, licking my face and sniffing me. I couldn’t help but laugh.

“He—Hello you two—oh gosh!”

My cheeks ached as I scratched their heads, struggling to sit up. Goku watched me with a smile, but was quickly overtaken by our giant hounds’ curiosity. He stumbled and chuckled, patting their heads as they circled, sniffed, and nudged him around.

“Woah, hey, hi!”

“Don’t let them bully you,” I warned.

“Oh, I’m sure—woah—“

I grinned as they knocked him on the ground, licking his face too. Goku laughed heartily, trying to shield his face.

“At least they like you.”

“Heh, yeah—hey—“

I whistled, snapping to bring them over to me. “Okay, that’s enough.”

They looked over and trotted over, sitting. I got up and helped Goku to his feet.

“They’re cute,” he said brightly, “And weirdly strong…”

“You should probably wash your face when we get inside.”

I wiped off his shoulder, then clicked my tongue as an amused smile grew on my face again.

“Awe, your jacket’s all covered in fur now. Not very presentable.”

“It’s not?”

“No, not at all. You should probably take it off.”

I nudged him with a playful look as we reached the porch. He grinned back, taking it off and slinging it off of his shoulder. I knocked on the door, looking at Goku again—he’d gotten some fur in his hair. I chuckled, pressing up on my toes and holding onto his shoulder to keep me steady as I plucked them out of his hair. He looked down in pleased confusion.

The door swung open and I was hit with a familiar ‘ooo’. I froze, my cheeks heating up as I turned to look at my older sister. Gita grinned, hazel eyes shining mischievously behind her glasses. She crossed her arms and leaned on the doorframe, glancing between us curiously.

“Well, well, is this why you haven’t come around, Trixie? Got a new boyfriend?”

I rolled my arms, looking away. “He’s not my boyfriend, Gita.”

Her eyes crinkled as she laughed. “Oh, sure, not yet! What’s your name, handsome fella?”

“I’m Goku.”

“Goku. Nice to meetya. I’m Gita, Trixie’s big sister.”

She shook his hand firmly, making her bangles clink against each other.

“Oh, firm grip,” she remarked, taking her hand back and placing both on her hips, “You’re as strong as you look.”

She nodded, patting his shoulder with a smile. “Come on in, food’s almost ready.”

Gita opened the door for us, welcoming Goku in and giving me a wink. I shook my head profusely, but she only chuckled, pinching my cheek.

“Still so shy, huh, lil sis?”

The sound of Bulma’s laugh danced along the walls as music and the aroma of food reached my senses. Gita rubbed my shoulder, and we lingered by the door for a moment as she gave me a meaningful look.

“How are you doing?”

I looked at her, smiling a little. “It’s…not easy.”

She nodded. “I know. It hasn’t been easy for any of us.”

I hummed, looking at the ground. She wrapped her arm around me, then pulled me into a tight embrace.

“I’m glad you’re finally here. We’ve all been waiting for ya, kid. No one blames you.”

I slowly hugged her back, inhaling the scent of gardenias that clung to her dark, silky hair, feeling my heart release a little.

“I missed you guys a lot,” I said quietly, “I just, I couldn’t—“

She rubbed my back soothingly, making me fall silent.

“I know. We missed you, too.”

She pulled back, smiling. “You have nothing to explain. Okay?”

I nodded. She cupped my cheek, giving me a hard look.

“I want to hear you agree, Trix.”

I smiled. “Okay.”

She nodded. “Okay. Let’s go. You still have Kuno and Cai left to give you a hard time about your piece of man candy.”

I grumbled as she laughed again, ushering me inside.

“He’s not—“

“Yeah, yeah, I’m sure you’ve already talked Bulma’s ear off with your friend spiel.”

I blushed. “I don’t—“

“Well, look at you, all grown up.”

I turned to see Kuno eyeing me up, blonde eyebrows raised. A smile played on his lips as he came over to me, uncrossing his arms as I gasped.

“What the fuck did you get so ripped for,” I accused in disbelief.

He laughed, trapping me in a bear hug and picking me up. I fought to breathe but patted him on the back. He’d completely changed from the skinny guy I remembered.

“Hey, I’ve been hitting the gym,” he said, with a shrug, “Not to mention all the heavy lifting at work.”

“What do you do now?”

“Moving company,” he said, picking up a wine glass off of the dining table and passing it to me, earning a dirty look from Gita, “Furniture, boxes, the like.”

“Although, your guy over there’s giving me a run for my money,” he said, nudging me with his elbow.

“He’s not my guy,” I insisted, taking a sip of wine, “If everyone keeps saying that, I’m gonna need this more than Gita.”

He chuckled, patting my shoulder. Cai and Bulma’s laughs rounded the corner into the dining room before they did, cheeks flushed and holding glasses of liquor. I shook my head with a smile.

“God, what is it with this family and alcohol,” I remarked, sipping from the glass as well.

“Nothing wrong with having a good time,” Kuno said, patting my head, “You’ve been gone too long.”

I smiled at him, pushing him lightly and leaving the room. Bulma seemed better, which eased some of the pressure in my chest. A bit of it returned at the sight of my parents and Goku hitting it off in the kitchen, though. My mom caught sight of me first as they all laughed together, and came over to me, eyes twinkling.

“Oh, baby, I’m so glad you’re here.”

She kissed my forehead, hugging me tenderly. I hugged her back.

“Hey, Mom.”

“How are you?”

“I’m good, I’m good.”

“Mm, you need anything? Bulma taking care of you?”

“I actually moved back to the observatory. Had to call Delilah but she agreed. It’s mine now.”

She smiled and nodded, but her eyes showed concern.

“I don’t like the idea of you being out there in the ice all alone…”

I chuckled. “Oh, don’t worry, I don’t see myself being left alone for a while.”

My father’s laughter caught my attention, and I glanced between him and Goku. Mom pinched my cheek, giving me a smile.

“He’s sweet,” she said, leaning over towards me, “Nice catch.”

“He—“

With a sigh, I smiled back, shoulders slumping a little. Might as well take the compliment at this point. Goku turned and smiled, and I smiled back shyly—he had to have heard that. My father finally saw me around him, and his eyes lit up.

“Oh, Bellatrix! I swear, I didn’t even recognize you, you look so beautiful—oh, come here!”

I gasped for air as my father laughed, squeezing me in an even tighter bear hug than Kuno’s.

“Dad—Dad!”

“Oh, I’ve missed my little starlight so much!”

I blushed as I met Goku’s eyes, seeing his amused smile.

“Dad!”

“God, you’re all skin and bones; let’s get you fed—honey, are we all ready to eat?”

“Dad, I’m dying here,” I gasped out.

Mom laughed. “Yes, I think—oh no!”

Her eyes widened in sudden recollection. “I forgot desert!”

“I think I’m blacking out—“

“Oh no! That’s no good at all! We’ve got dinner all ready to go, though…”

“We can get it,” Goku offered.

Dad turned to him, swinging me along with him.

“Oh, you’d do that for us son? Thanks so much.”

“I’ll go write up a list—keep the food warm, honey!”

Mom rushed off, and Goku gently pried me out of my father’s arms, earning a grateful look from me. He chuckled, leaning down to say something in my ear.

“Little starlight?”

I slapped his shoulder, sputtering in embarrassment as he straightened up and laughed.

“Shut up.”

Mom shoved a list and keys in my hand, along with a wad of cash and ushered us out of the door in a panic.

“And don’t dilly dally, you two!”

I laughed softly as the dogs ran up to us again, sniffing and barking and circling us as we got in the car. I was about to turn the ignition, but gave Goku a look.

“Seatbelt.”

“Oh! Sorry.”

He buckled up, and we were off.

***

Dinner was loud, happy, and plentiful. I sat between Gita and Bulma, laughing, drinking, and laughing some more. There was so much joy in one little room that I felt that it could burst open at any second. Goku, Kuno and my father all bounced off of each other seamlessly, and when Goku was, well, Goku, they only seemed to appreciate it more.

“You’re quite the simple man, Goku,” my father remarked, patting him on the shoulder with a beaming smile, “God, you’re just made of muscle aren’t you? He’s gonna give you a run for your money, Kuno!”

Kuno laughed, shaking his head. “Oh, that is one race I’ll gladly avoid.”

Goku glanced between them with some confusion, but kept smiling nonetheless.

“Heh, thanks!”

I nudged Bulma. “See, they like him, even without the jacket.”

She gave me a look, and I laughed, sipping more wine. My eyes gravitated to the empty seat between Cai and Mom. A steaming plate of food sat there, accompanied by his favorite childhood cup half filled with brandy. I smiled at it bittersweetly. For the first time, his absence didn’t feel so brutal.

“—Eh, Trix?”

I blinked in confusion, realizing everyone was looking at me. Mom looked at me soulfully, a gentle smile formed on her lips. Kuno cleared his throat, and Cai rubbed his shoulder soothingly. I looked around with some shame.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean—“

“There’s nothing to feel sorry for honey,” Dad assured, “We all feel it too.”

I looked to Bulma, seeing her staring at the empty chair with misty eyes. I pulled her close and embraced her firmly, placing a kiss on her forehead. She leaned her head against mine, wrapping an arm around my waist. I closed my eyes.

For the first time, it wasn’t just me who felt the pain of his absence, and the world kept spinning despite it.

Cai stood, raising his beer bottle.

“To Adam,” he said, “The only grown man I knew who drank brown liquor out of a superhero cup.”

With a laugh, I raised my glass.

“To the best man I ever knew,” I added.

Kuno rose his. “To the man who never gave up on me.”

Some emotion rose up my throat at his words, and I felt my eyes threaten to water. I smiled.

“Here, here.”

Kuno nodded at me soberly, still managing a smile on his face.

Everyone raised their glasses and cups in silence for a moment, until my father spoke.

“To have lost a man like him is something no one could ever recover from,” he said, looking down at his plate wistfully, “But he’s with us all. Each of us carry a piece of his love in our hearts, and for that we should all keep smiling.”

Mom hummed in affirmation. “Mm, yes. He’d want us to be smiling.”

Bulma sniffed, and I felt some droplets fall onto my chest. I stroked her hair, and Dad came over to take her hand.

The superhero cup of brandy knocked over.

I froze, looking in shock. Everyone’s attention snapped to the spilling brandy, the rolling cup that gradually stilled, and the wind billowing through curtains that covered a window that definitely hadn’t been open before.

I smiled, feeling my eyes growing misty.

“I think he wants us to stop being so down in the dumps,” I said quietly, “Typical.”

I could feel him. I could remember him. The smiling big brother I’d known and loved. Somehow the blood had become a forgotten dream.

***

“Okay, okay, let me just—“

I giggled as I fumbled for the light switch and Goku clung to me, half holding me steady and half gluing himself to my body.

“Goku!”

“What,” he whined.

“Someone’s gonna see,” I insisted, still laughing at the feeling of him nuzzling my shoulder, “Hey, that tickles!”

“Everyone’s outside, no one’s g’na see,” he muttered, “They all know, anyways…”

“Know what?”

He laughed, holding me tighter. I finally flicked on the light switch and we stumbled inside my old bedroom, Goku shutting the door behind him as I opened the window. I sighed, turning around to see him creeping around my childhood telescope and squeaked, moving him away.

“Be careful!”

“I’m not gonna break it,” he said, smiling.

I giggled as I guided him to the bed, and we both collapsed with a groan.

“God, my family can drink…”

“I see where you get it from,” he said.

I laughed. “Oh please, I tapped out after three glasses of wine.”

Goku stared at me as my laughter slowly faded, and I held his gaze. I frowned in confusion.

“What?”

He moved closer, swallowing.

“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered, “So beautiful and so smart and funny…”

I giggled nervously. “Thanks, I guess.”

“I mean it,” he said.

“Okay.”

“No…it’s not okay.”

His eyebrows creased, and he touched my face.

“It’s not okay…”

My drunkenness wore off slightly as Goku’s thumb stroked my cheek repeatedly while I stared into his eyes. The room was still spinning around us, but I was stilled by his gaze. I took his hand in mine, moving closer to him. The space remaining between us felt so vast—how were we going to bridge it? I shut my eyes, placing his hand on my chest. Goku inhaled sharply.

“Feel that,” I asked.

“Feel—feel what?”

“How steady my heart is. My heartbeat.”

“Yeah?”

“That’s what you do to me.”

He fell silent. I pressed his hand closer.

“No one else makes me feel this except you.”

I opened my eyes, holding his gaze. “…No one else is like you, Goku.”

With some uncertainty I reached out and touched his face, feeling my hand tremble slightly as my palm cupped his cheek. I smiled at the feeling of him, of the warmth, of his presence. Maybe it was the alcohol, but in this moment, I didn’t want him to leave my side ever again.

“You’re too sweet,” I said, tracing his jaw with my fingertip, “Too sweet.”

His voice asked a soft question. “Bellatrix?”

I almost wanted to touch his mouth, to feel his voice passing through his lips. I sighed.

“Shit Goku, what did you do to me?”

“What? I didn’t do anything. At least…I don’t think…”

I laughed softly, shaking my head. “Oh, you did something, alright. You’re doing it right now.”

“I am?”

I rolled my eyes. “You’re not very convincing when you act coy, Goku.”

He wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me closer—the vastness that seemed so daunting was shattered in mere seconds.

“I like you,” he said, brushing his nose against mine, “I like you a lot.”

I grinned. “Yeah, I know.”

“No, I really like you.”

“I know.”

“Like…like Chichi…”

I laughed again. “Goku, I think we’re a bit drunk.”

“N-no, did you hear me? I like you.”

“I heard you,” I assured softly.

He smiled, gently taking my chin. “Do ya like me?”

I hesitated despite myself. I let out a sigh as Goku waited for me to answer with increasing unease. The words I’d been holding back spilled out.

“I’m scared.”

“Scared?”

“I like you, Goku, but I’m scared.”

I took the hand that held my chin, timidly brushing my lips against it, shutting my eyes.

“If I lost you too…”

My breath trembled as I pressed my lips against his knuckles.

“My heart would break all over again, and I don’t know if I’d survive it.”

“I’m not like her,” he whispered.

I smiled, placing his hand on my waist and pulling him closer, pressing my face into the crook of his neck, pressing my lips against his pulse, losing myself in him.

“You always smell so nice,” I said.

“‘Trix,” he insisted, “I’m not like her.”

“You’re not like anybody, Goku.”

I pulled away from his neck and looked at him again.

“People like you, like my brother…you can’t be replaced. You know that, right? It always leaves a hole when you’re gone, and it won’t get filled again because there’s no one like you that can heal it.”

I looked down at his lips. I finally touched them, caressing them with the pad of my thumb.

“If I fell in love with you…and I lost you…”

His hold around me tightened.

“I won’t ever leave you.”

“I didn’t say leave,” I corrected with a chuckle, “I said lost.”

His brow furrowed, and I rubbed the wrinkles until it relaxed. He let out a sigh, shutting his eyes.

“Of course you wouldn’t leave. People like you don’t leave. People like you are taken away.”

“I won’t get taken.”

“Yes, you will.”

“No, I won’t.”

I pulled back slightly, looking him square in the eye.

“You died before, right? While you were with Chichi? Your son? How do you think it felt for them when you were taken away?”

“I…I know it wasn’t easy—“

“Easy? Look at how I’ve been without Adam.”

I poked his temple with a chuckle. “I want you to hear me. Get these words into that Saiyan brain of yours.”

He looked at my mouth intently, making me grin.

“When you die, the people you love die with you. When you go off doing amazing things, the people you love are left behind, aching for you. Us normal people aren’t as strong as you are, we can’t hang on and keep up with your story. We don’t want a story. We want a simple life. We want to be happy, do good work, and have peace and love—and we want to love you.”

There was pregnant silence until he smiled.

He took my face in his hands, eyes twinkling. “You want to love me?”

I sighed sharply. “Did you hear a single word I said?”

“Yeah, I did. But…you want to love me?”

He grazed my lips and my jaw with his knuckles, and, feeling the slight callous formed, I pressed my lips against it.

“I don’t think I have a choice at this point. It’s going to happen…I can feel it. I’m going to fall in love with you. And I’m scared. You’re—you’re so beautiful and…I can’t—”

I sighed, trying to gather my thoughts. “I can’t lose you, too.”

“You won’t,” he assured firmly.

I smiled. “Goku…you can’t promise that.”

“Yes, I can. I won’t.”

There was a fire in his eyes that shook me. I bit my lip, then let out a sigh.

“I can’t lose you, either.”

I looked up at him in surprise.

“You’re all I can think about sometimes. You always make me feel so great and so happy. I didn’t think it was possible to feel that way about someone else besides Chichi.”

He pressed his forehead against mine, lips ghosting over mine as he let out a shaky breath.

“I really messed up with her…I can’t mess up with you, too.”

“Goku…”

For some reason, the thought of kissing him actually dawned on me for the first time. I pressed my hand against his chest, feeling his heartbeat.

“I don’t know if I’m ready to do this again.”

The possibility of his lips was so close. It made me feel hasty. Thirsty. Anxious. Goku felt it too, I could tell. He swallowed nervously.

“That’s okay. I never feel ready to do anything.”

I laughed. “You’re too sweet, Goku.”

I could feel the feverish urge building between us.

“You’re…perfect,” he breathed.

I shook my head. “No one’s perfect. It’s a good thing.”

“Bellatrix…”

“Yeah?”

“I need to kiss you.”

“I know.”

“Right now.”

“I know.”

We were silent. I stared at his mouth. He waited for me eagerly—always so gentle, so careful with me. I needed him, I knew it. I blinked, trying to keep whatever wits I had left about me.

“We can’t go back to how we are now, if…if we do that.”

“I don’t want to.”

Oh, god.

He licked his lips, clearly struggling to contain himself.

“I need you, ‘Trix…I can’t fight it anymore. I need you.”

His words echoed in my mind. I need you.

My eyebrows creased. I swallowed.

“I—“

He inched closer, hand inching down my waist to my hip. I leaned towards him.

“I need you too.”

His hand took hold of my hip firmly, pulling my body against his. My leg passed over his hips, and the bed creaked as my knees sunk into the mattress. My face was flushed—here I was, straddling the man I swore up and down I wasn’t going to give in to. I stared down at his face, his shining eyes, his slight smile, his tousled hair from the fun of the night; it as all so beautiful.

His hands clung to my hips, teasing the possibility of embarking to the bare skin under my shirt. I leaned down, cupping his cheek, pressing a soft kiss onto the corner of his mouth. His hands twitched and held onto me tighter. With a smile I leaned up and he followed, seeking to return the kiss. I placed another on his cheek, coaxing him to sit up fully and resting on his lap. Goku laughed breathlessly. I stared at his curved, laughing mouth and slung my arms over his shoulders, pressing my weight onto him and tilted my head.

“Are you sure,” I whispered.

“Please,” he muttered, brushing his lips against mine, “Come here already.”

I laughed softly at the cracks in his restraint.

“I don’t want to make a mistake for us,” I said, “We need to decide.”

He took my face in his hands, smiling. “I want you, Bellatrix.”

I smiled back, nodding. “Okay. I want you, too.”

His eyes crinkled as his smile grew. “Good.”

Goku’s focus quickly shifted to the matter of most importance though, and his hands roamed my body with newfound confidence.

“Now come here.”

Our breaths trembled as our lips finally met. He pressed his tongue into my mouth sharply and I softened his advance by making mine supple against his, taking a gentle hold of his face. He had so much friction in his energy now that he had been given the okay it made me wonder how long he’d been holding himself back—was it the first time we met?

It didn’t take much time for him to follow my lead and be more gentle with me. We moved further onto the bed soon after, unable to part our lips for even a moment. The bed creaked under our aimless movement as I eased onto my back and pulled him on top of me by his shirt, managing a smile and to pull myself away for a second.

“Bulma was…was diabolical to put you in these,” I said with a chuckle.

He quickly took my lips with his again, then smiled against my mouth.

“You like it?”

I tucked my fingers around his belt and tugged his hips further down between my legs and grinned.

“I fuckin’ love it.”

I shot up and kissed him a bit more passionately, my eyebrows furrowing. Goku moaned slightly, and I bit his lower lip, making him yelp a little in surprise and break his lips from mine.

“What was that for?”

I frowned, my mind starting to get clouded with lust. “Huh?”

“You bit me…did I do something wrong?”

“What?”

I chuckled, shaking my head. “Oh, shit, no, no, sorry, I should’ve asked if you liked that or not—“

“I do, I just didn’t know if—“

“Fuck, I’m sorry to cut you off, I just—“

I sighed desperately as I stole another kiss, gripping his jeans tighter as Goku sensed I’d changed somehow and kissed me harder, pressing himself against me. I felt how hard he was and my head spun—I was dangerously close to forgetting we were technically in my family home on the loudest mattress on earth.

“We should—we should be smart,” I muttered thoughtlessly between kisses, “Someone’ll hear the bed if we fucked right now.”

“But I want to fuck you now,” he complained a little, kisses starting to stray from my mouth, “I can smell you, how am I supposed to control myself when I can smell how ready your pussy is for me?”

I blushed as his sudden crassness, but it made me want him more. I laughed breathlessly, aching at the feeling of his hard cock against pressed against my clit through my jeans. He pressed a little harder and I grazed my nails over his arm, feeling a wave of heat pass through my whole body. He chuckled, capturing my parted lips and biting my lower lip in return.

“See?”

I was already unbuttoning my pants. He grinned, unzipping them, tracing the waistband of my underwear with his fingertips.

“Fuck, Goku, you’re gonna get me in trouble.”

“It’s okay,” he assured, voice growing husky, “I won’t fuck you if you don’t want it. I just…”

My brain didn’t even process what he’d done until Goku had tossed my pants to the floor and lowered my hips against the mattress again. Not one squeak, and he’d gotten my pants off already. I gasped as I felt his thumb swipe over my clit, then rub it gently. I bit my lip, grabbing onto his shoulder.

“Goku,” I whimpered quietly.

“I just need to taste you, that’s all.”

His voice had completely changed. His entire demeanor had changed; he sounded deathly serious. I could imagine this is how he was in a fight—composed, focused, precise, and absolutely ruining his opponent.

He pulled my underwear apart without much effort, and his breath audibly stilted at the sight of my soaked cunt. I could only hope one of us could keep from going over the edge.

He leaned down over me again, kissing me hungrily, prompting me to respond eagerly in kind.

“Can I feel you,” he asked breathlessly.

I had absolutely no idea what he meant by that, and no intention of turning him down.

“God, please, yes.”

The bed gave the slightest creak as he carefully pushed my legs farther apart and kissed down my body, pushing my shirt up to plant kisses all over my chest and abdomen, then sink his teeth into one of my hips, making me moan softly and grip his hair. His fingers gripped my thighs as his mouth found my pussy, and with a quiet grunt, slid his tongue inside of me, then ran it over my clit as one of his hands released me.

I had a brutal grip on his hair as his tongue continued to work its magic on my clit—it was taking everything in me to keep myself still, to keep my hips in place, to not cry out his name as he sucked on my clit, making my head fall against the pillow. My chest was heaving.

“Goku,” I gasped, “This—is not careful—!”

He slid his fingers inside of me and I was completely his.

“Fuck, don’t stop…”

He didn’t smile, he just kept devouring and fucking my pussy with his diabolical tongue and big, strong fingers. I grabbed onto the headboard with my other hand, trying desperately to keep my hips still as he planted kisses on my inner thigh as I started to clench around him. I could hear the way I was gushing around his fingers as he thrusted them in and out.

“That’s it,” he whispered against my skin, “C’mon, ‘Trix…”

I couldn’t speak a word, only crush the headboard under my grip as his mouth went back to my cunt, sending me over the edge, when—

I froze as Goku slid his fingers out, breathing almost as heavily as me. He pulled back and sat up, the moonlight shining down on his dark eyes as he put the two glistening fingers in his mouth, holding my gaze until he groaned, shutting his eyes. I was completely disoriented at this point as my body burned for release. His eyes opened again as he slid his fingers out of his mouth, grinning down at me.

“It’s just as good as I thought it would be.”

As I slowly started to realize he wasn’t going to give me the release I needed so badly, I put a hand on my forehead and laughed softly.

“Oh, you evil son-of-a-bitch,” I said, letting my legs fall to the side. “Thank fucking god.”

He chuckled as I sat up, looking him up and down and giving him a little glare.

“You should be ashamed of yourself.”

“Well, you definitely weren’t going to stop anytime soon.”

I rolled my eyes, but smiled. “And whose fault was that?”

He only gave me a big smile. I planted a kiss on his cheek, getting off of the bed and feeling around for my pants on the ground. When I found them, I tossed aside my torn underwear and put them back on.

“Where did my glasses go,” I whispered, “Are they on the bed somewhere?”

Goku handed me them as he stood, wrapping his arms around my waist and kissing my neck. I put on my glasses as I laughed softly.

“This is probably the only time I’m gonna ask for this, but can you instant transmission me to the observatory?”

“Can I stay the night?”

“Maybe if you’d let me come just now, but I don’t feel so generous anymore.”

“Awe, why not?”

I smiled up at him as he put his fingers to his forehead, and we disappeared from the dark, quiet bedroom.

***

“Rise and shine, boss.”

I inhaled sharply as the blinds automatically opened, and my bedroom filled with the cool, muted sunlight of an arctic morning. The lights turned on after and I groaned, turning to shield my eyes in Goku’s chest.

I paused, tensing up. Goku’s chest?

My eyes went from the white t-shirt to Goku’s peaceful face, and my brain spun. What…what was he doing in my observatory, in my bed? I tried to sit up, but he groaned in protest, holding me tighter—holy fuck, I’d been asleep in his arms. I racked my memory of the night before desperately—what could’ve happened to warrant waking up like this? We were clothed, but I didn’t have underwear on, which was concerning since I recalled going to a family dinner.

He nuzzled my neck, and it all came flooding back like an avalanche—the drinking, the smiles, the way his fingers felt inside me, the way I pulled his arms tighter around me was we fell asleep on the bed. I looked back at his face, his lips, and sighed quietly. Life happens, whether you’re ready or not.

I placed a gentle kiss on his lips to wake him up, smiling as he frowned, groaning again.

“Get up, you big goof,” I teased, “Or do you not want breakfast?”

His eyes slowly opened and he squinted down at me.

“…Bellatrix?”

My stomach flipped at the confusion in his eyes.

I sure as fuck am not ready.

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[bnbc]

so, my mixed and matched post-canon (for me not to forget about details) beware spoilers obv!

1. Isabella opposes the Lord Inquisitor and chooses to contain THE THING forever

2. Standing over the body of Xavier Calcazar Heinrix makes his decision and takes Ordo Xenos rosette, as he thinks - for a time, while the Inquisition is considering a proper replacement. He remembers his promises to Isabella but sees it as his last duty to establish the Sector's stability. Isabella, however, feels betrayed, she is full of his shit and doesn't want to listen to logical arguments and regicide metaphors anymore 2a. During this fight she confesses she actually always hated regicide (look, even 100 willpower woman can be petty sometimes, as a treat)

3. "Time" takes years and Heinrix keeps his position.

4. Even though the relationship between them is officially over, this flame isn't easy to put down, and, brought together by the important business, they sometimes spend way too much time planning secret operations together. 4a. The rumors spread like diarrhea, of course, with bad and good consequences

5. It seems it might be fixed, but Isabella's new Master of Whispers finds some… unannounced Inquisition presence on her ship. Heinrix insists it was done out of care for her, which pisses her off even more. She says that if he cares, he can go back and settle in his old chambers any time, and disappear to the far side of the sector…

6. …just to send a request to meet her for a very important talk a couple of months after. Heinrix comes to a randevouez point, but while he's waiting for her, he gets a report from one of the recently found worlds and finds out that Isabella's mercy came to the tragedy again. He finds it out even before her, that is why when he scolds her and mentions two very forbidden words, she doesn't even argue. Just politely accepts his opinion and goes back to her business.

7. Von Valancius flagman ship is reported missing in the Warp 7a. At the end of the 4th year of hopeless search, Heinrix calls his agents back and mourns her.

8. After amost five years of absence Isabella von Valancius reappears in the Koronus expanse to declare she's alive, to find out that a bunch of heirs tried to claim their right to her legacy but didn't succeed without the Warrant (and without the support of certain structures and people). Her title was safe but her protectorate was close to ruins. She obviously had no time for any relationshit.

9. It takes time but control is restored, and so is a relationship with all the major players, some of which are on the thin edge of losing their patience because a certain Holy Ordo was way too quick to call everything 'heresy' lately

10. Speaking of the Ordos, agents on Dargonus send Heinrix a report that one of the local Schola Progenium students is actually the direct heir of von Valancius dynasty. Heinrix sits on this information for a month before meeting Isabella. Isabella asks him to kill every person who knows about her heir 'for the sake of what was between us' 10a. Heinrix hesitates to ask, but he asks in the end, and all she says is "By His will, the child won't inherit their parent's curse" and he takes it as 'yes' 10b. He eliminates his agents personally

11. At this point the final duty takes way too much time, around two decades, and it is a time of reflection and regrets, but everything seems truly over: so much time, so many careless words, and hard decisions between the two of them, and so little time left since both of them are warp-touched…

12. …but one day Heinrix receives a message that Kasballica Mission is planning his assassination, and von Valancius' influence is not enough to prevent it. Inquisition does have resources to do so, obviously, but does he want it? The old scar he still hasn't cured from his hand burns, when he asks back if his old chambers is still unoccupied and receives 'yes', and smiles

it is not really hard to fake his own death after all, and the only thing he regrets since then is not doing it earlier

#rogue trader crpg #Rogue Trader #Rogue Trader OC #oc: Isabella von Valancius #von Valancius #rogue trader spoilers #heinrix van calox #gigiltrader