#or just yell at me

[lunarriviera]

Big Dumb Hot Cop & Effete Possibly Sociopathic Genius Consultant: A Manifesto

So it has recently come to my attention that this, my archetypal pairing formulation, has broken containment, probably because I've been flinging these terms around like a deranged person wielding a blunt instrument. Therefore it behooves me to explain what the hell I mean by all these adjectives, and who are some classic and contemporary examples of the idiots under discussion—who are by the way extremely in love with one another whether they realize it or not. (Don't you say "bromance." Don't you dare SAY that word to me.) I will use blorbo from my shows to illustrate.

I first realized that I am in fact a Big Dumb Hot Cop whisperer thanks to Chinese police procedural 猎罪图鉴 | Under the Skin (2022). Right away, it's very important to note that Big Dumb Hot Cop is NOT in fact all that dumb. He's only less intelligent IN COMPARISON to his Effete Slightly Sociopathic Genius Consultant, who is, as already stated, a genius. Big Dumb Hot Cop is in fact ruthlessly good at his job. He's driven, he obsesses about cases, he can walk into a crime scene and pick up on the one thing everyone else has missed. There is no suspect he cannot intimidate upon investigation. And he's even better when he's working with (or against, depending on what stage they're at) the genius consultant. They need each other, whether they're fighting or collaborating. They can only clear cases together.

Here are, then, police captain Du Cheng and his genius consultant, sketch artist Shen Yi, eyeing each other significantly as some witness is, I think, lying his face off? Honestly I can't even remember what's happening because the important thing here is their nonverbal communication. This is crucial for this pairing. They can think circles around each other without saying a word. Love that for them.

Effete Possibly Sociopathic Genius Consultant has two levels of Possibly Sociopathic. Most maddeningly of all, he has secrets. Sometimes many secrets. So at first, Big Dumb Hot Cop is going to think he's the criminal, or in some way involved in the wrongdoing. The second level is that he'll find Genius Consultant just worryingly, disturbingly good at predicting criminal behavior. And he will continue to be suspicious of him for exactly one or at most two episodes, until he's then swept off his big dumb feet by the rapidity and correctness of Effete Genius's deductions. There's nothing Big Dumb Hot Cop loves more than solving cases. Well, maybe beer. He also loves beer. Once he sees that Effete Consultant is useful, he'll do a 180º and stop complaining to his chief of police, and instead start demanding that Effete Consultant be his forever. He'll start hanging out in his office. He'll literally drag him to crime scenes by the wrist.

(And did I mention Effete Consultant must be very pretty? Did I mention that? He is lovely. Long, thin fingers to steeple while he thinks. Delicate features. Haunted dark eyes. Never sleeps. Shocking self-neglect. You may see where I am going with this.)

Another important attribute of Big Dumb Hot Cop: he's big. Or anyway strong, or a gifted fighter. Let's face it, he has to be, because Genius Consultant is going to be reckless with his own personal safety to the point of stupidity (now who's dumb, huh?). For example, consider another Chinese procedural, S.C.I. 谜案集 | S.C.I. Mystery (2018). Captain Bai Yutong is sort of impossibly physically talented (former fighter pilot! national sandu champion! runs over moving cars and then shoots at them, like some kind of weird urban biathlon!) and, like all good Big Dumb Hot Cops, his entire life is thrown upside down because he now has to drop everything to protect his effete consultant, criminal psychologist Dr. Zhan Yao, who's so careless with himself that in any another drama he would probably be driving Bai Yutong to drink. Thanks to the danmei on which SCI Mystery is based, however, we can safely assume Bai Yutong is taking it out on Zhan Yao in blow jobs.

Note that Bai Yutong is the cook, even though he's the gong, and that he moves in with Zhao Yan to "protect" him from...something, I can't ever remember what, and then just sort of forgets to move out again. For the length of the entire series.

I would argue that 镇魂 | Guardian (2018) is a procedural, even if it also has ghosts, a talking cat, snake lady, eerie dark energy that gets flung around like paintball splatters, and a whole bunch of other supernatural stuff that was not approved of by Big Red (it's based on a danmei of the same title by Priest, a novel which has been pulled from circulation for censorship). Further confusing matters, Zhao Yunlan isn't particularly Big or Dumb, nor is he even really a Cop, technically; but I'm claiming him for this genre not least because of his Effete (drop-dead gorgeous) Possibly Sociopathic (Chief Zhao thinks he's a suspect for a good third of the story) and Definitely Genius, Later Gangpressed into being a Consultant, chock-full of secrets Professor Shen Wei.

Once they finally team up, though, they do this genre/pairing proud. Why, there's nothing they can't solve except how to stay alive. Look at them here enjoying some fine nonverbal communication: "Oh my god, you're just like me—you too will fling yourself directly into bodily harm in order to save a clueless civilian. Okay this could be inconvenient for both of us. Also wow for a genetics professor you're really fucking built, do you lift my bro." (Yes. Yes he does lift.)

A final example: the cruelly short-lived 光渊 | Justice in the Dark (2023), which like Guardian is based on a danmei by Priest, 默读 | Silent Reading. I got baited into watching the eight (8) existing episodes by seeing a cut of Captain Luo Wenzhou taking on like forty guys with a champagne bottle, a pair of curtains, an axe handle, and a birthday cake, like some kind of cultivator. He's so big and hot, and he's so very dumb. He's also a cop, and ACAB (which is sort of the plot of Silent Reading); and Fei Du is possibly using him for his own nefarious ends (cf. possibly sociopathic and secretive). But underneath all of Fei Du's "I am the abyss, fear me, rawr!" scary posturing, like a puffed-up kitten, he's just a very pretty tender-hearted effete genius, and you can watch Luo Wenzhou melting, and practically pinpoint the exact moment when his whole heart flies out of his eyes and he decides: Yeah, okay, that's it for me. That one. The annoying little traumatized fuerdai with some kind of a death wish that I do not understand. I'll be throwing myself in front of bullets for him and/or cooking him dinner for the foreseeable future, thanks.

Priest is gonna mess with this dynamic of gong/shou caregiving and safeguarding, because that's what she does; but the fundamental beats are still there. Look at these ninnyhammers, just this second figuring out they're actually kind people who belong to each other.

Here they are confronting a suspect together. (You will notice the large butcher knife wavering in the foreground.) Luo Wenzhou, highly trained, nonetheless cannot de-escalate the situation. It takes a pretty playboy in an arm sling to come wandering into the room, and then, using his superb personal knowledge of what it's like to be traumatized to the point of insanity, getting the suspect to disarm. I just love the way they look at each other, incredulous (Luo Wenzhou) and mock-fascinated (Fei Du). If I ever meet the person who directed this scene I'm going to need to kiss them on the mouth.

Once you accept the gospel of Big Dumb Hot Cop and Effete Possibly Sociopathic Genius Consultant into your media-based life, you'll find it has many applications, not all of which have to be procedurals. Consider: characters from the Daomu Biji franchise, possibly (Hei Xiazi is the biggest dumbest hottest not-a-cop I've ever met). Leverage, in a weird OT3 way. Assorted combinations of Avengers. Teen Wolf fic, absolutely. Various Stargate incarnations. Several other Priest danmei, not only procedurals. Definitely Mysterious Lotus Casebook. Et cetera. (You're on your own with MXTX, though.)

This has gotten long and there are still so many nuances and features and wrinkles and problems with the theory that should be ironed out, but it'll have to do for now. I'll simply close by saying: yes, there is also a classic example and you already know exactly who it is.

#big dumb hot cop #effete possibly sociopathic genius consultant #a rubric for blorbo from your shows #you may use it if you like #or disagree with it if you prefer #or just yell at me #i don't mind #either way i'm kind of a dumb cop myself so #i won't take it personally if you hate this #under the skin #justice in the dark #镇魂 guardian #猎罪图鉴 #S.C.I. 谜案集 #s.c.i. mystery #光渊 #mo du #默读 #dmbj #盗墓笔记 #and yes wait for it: #sherlock and john #watson and holmes #the original archetype of this pairing

[incompleteninny]

The fifty-seventh free, unedited chapter of my upcoming book, “The Heist at Cordia Aquarium” is now available on its website (or click here to read from the beginning).

Check. You're almost out of time.

Not quite running, Avery pumps her arms in the fastest walk her pajama pants will tolerate without catching under foot. Tendrils suffocate her from within: they wrap around her chest, crushing and writhing and demanding her attention. It was one detour. By request! Why does my brain have to be like this?

The Hall of Discovery winds in front of her; a slithering eel made of concrete, plaster, and carpet; lined with murky, unlit tanks on both sides. It'd be creepy if she didn't know what was inside every single one of them. As she passes, she can see shadows floating inside them — each unique in their own way.

Names pop to the forefront of her mind, as numerous as her footsteps: marsh periwinkles with their distinctive, conical shell; the bulbous eye sockets and long face of redlip blennies; writhing, wiggling masses of wandering nudibranchs.

Her mind wanders along with them. Her pace slows. I'll never keep the names of the sea slugs straight.

[...]

#keyforge is very fun you all #it scratches that mtg itch without making me break the bank #thank goodness they're bringing it back #my partner and I have been having keyforge dates where we both crack a new deck and play against each other #very romantic and very good #anyways book tags I guess #queer author #queer fiction #there's lgbtqs in this #read it and yell at me if you want #or just yell at me #either or

[thebibliosphere]

I know I'm a broken record at this point about how functionally useless editing software has become since AI integration (read: corrections are now being suggested based on user input, not actual grammar rules), but there's nothing quite like a piece of writing software flagging something you've written as an error, and then when you click on it, it can't tell you what the error is.

Just that it thinks something is wrong.

It's like the writing equivalent of the "you better watch out!" meme.

Watch our for what? Nobody knows, but you better watch out!

#this time it's Word's native editor flagging Vlad's name as incorrect #not that it's spelled wrong #just that it's 'incorrect' #how is it incorrect? #it cannot tell me #the vibes are apparently just off #the vibes are wrong #but that's not stopping Word from yelling about it

[mwagneto]

sorry idk but the way the world is so fast and the people in it still want it to be faster is sooo annoying to me. people groaning while standing in line for 3 minutes people being mad the train ride is gonna take 2 hours people complaining that the bus is a few minutes late people being angry that construction work is taking months even though it used to take decades. don't you see the world is already so so so fast in every single aspect can't you understand that being mad will do nothing and just make your mood worse. enjoy the moments of stillness you're given. just stand in line and look at the people around you. sit on the train and watch the scenery. you'll get there.

#it's literally one of my main pet peeves not even sorry actually!!!!! esp ppl loudly complaining while standing in line or #when the train's like 2 minutes late coz it has to stop and ppl start yelling #hell even if it stops for 2 hours. who cares who cares who cares unless you're late for like a weeding or smtg who cares !!!! #literally just relax slow down. look at your phone idk #this one should be it's own post but like when people complain about budapest public transport it makes me so mad.... #bruhhh shit's on time 99% of the time and it's like. outstandingly good compared to any other city #hungarian infrastructure in general like are the trains the best NO but they get you pretty much anywhere for like 30 cents #calm down !!!!!!!!!! #barking #humans

[frownyalfred]

Jason to Bruce privately in the Cave: “That was the stupidest decision I’ve ever seen you make. Do you really think they’re going to want to be your friends once they find out the truth? If you could unclench for ONE minute this all could’ve been avoided—”

Jason at the Justice League meeting on the Watchtower ten minutes later: “If anyone even LOOKS at Batman I’ll rip their throat out. None of you fuckers understand how many favors he’s doing your sorry asses. If you’re too stupid to listen to Batman, that’s your prerogative. He’s the only thing keeping this damn satellite in ORBIT—”

#inspired by all the people who asked me about the batkids closing ranks #that’s what it looks like in my head at least #looking at Jason you’d never guess he just yelled at Bruce in the cave for 20 min #bruce wayne #batman #dc #batfamily #why would Jason be on the watchtower? #good question #reasons #red hood #Jason todd

[sentientsky]

crowley and aziraphale negotiating child support payments in s3

#to be clear!!!! #i DO NOT mean that muriel is the child. cause i don't want to infantilize them!! #is the child the bentley here? is it jimbriel? idk. u figure it out lol #good omens #crowley #aziraphale #good omens season 3 #bafta awards #bafta 2024 #david tennant #michael sheen #i'm so sorry pls tell me if i'm being annoying with these. i just like yelling into the void

[bunjywunjy]

"which reptile is the most catholic?" obviously Komodo Dragons because they have virgin birth

many other reptile lineages also have virgin birth (parthenogenesis), there's even MULTIPLE species of whiptail lizards that reproduce entirely this way!

there are no males in these species. only females.

however! they still court each other and do some copulating.

that's right. MULTIPLE SPECIES OF LIZARD LESBIANS.

LIZBEANS.

#cursed biology #that's just the tag don't yell at me

[breadandblankets]

Duke: "So then Ra's went-"

Damian: "You know that's not grandfather's name right"

Duke: "Hm?"

Damian: "that's not his name it's a title, you're supposed to say the whole title, his name isn't 'Head'"

Duke:

Damian:

Duke: "She give me Ra's on my Ghul til I…"

Damian, sighing, unsheathing a sword: "Thomas, I know you will survive this, so I will not be holding back"

#batfam #duke thomas #damian wayne #bread talk #idk shower thoughts #duke: recounting a hugely tramatic story #also duke: hold up i need to make a tasteless joke here to the torment of those around me #fun fact this is based on a conversation with an arabic speaking friend whos not into dc #they got a lil heated about ra's al ghuls name #not bad heated i should clarify #sometimes u just gotta yell about things that have no consequence

[hansoeii]

every hundred years.

#they have me in a chokehold #they rlly have THE most romantic storyline #the common man and the immortal #their dynamic drives me insane #HOB OPENED HIS OWN DAMN PUB JUST SO HE COULD MEET MORPHEUS AGAIN EVEN THO HE DIDNT EVEN KNOW IF HED EVER SHOW UP AGAIN #godddddddddd #anyways matthew is yelling at them to just hodl hands already cos he cant deal with the pining anymore #the sandman #sandman #the sandman fanart #sandman fanart #morpheus #hob gadling #dreamling #dreamling fanart #my art #digital art

[elliesgaymachete]

All the articles talking about how the marvels had the lowest box office opening of any marvel movie conveniently forget to mention that it’s the ONLY marvel movie to come out in the midst of an actors strike and didn’t get any of the press that all the other movies would have gotten 🙃

#before anyone yells at me i know the strike ended like the day it came out but press typically happens in the weeks BEFORE the release #anyway #sometimes i care about marvel when they make stuff that isn’t just about white dudes #kamala may honestly be my favorite mcu character #bc mcu ruined america chavez 😔 #the marvels

[superbellsubways]

thinking about it .i think alot of people Like the Idea of getting pregnant or getting someone pregnant but not actually wanting to raise children. idk its really funny does anyone get me

#im just basing this off of how alot of people on here also simultaneously can't handle kids #but idk #maybe these people Do want kids and im just spitting nonsense #i never see anyone here talk about wanting to start families its always weirdos being rlly open about hating kids and babies #you can yell at me if im wrong

[justaweirdonothingtoseehere]

#Aziraphale just go fetches Crowley when something goes wrong #‘Crowley help I’m angy’ #‘But I’m the nice one’ #‘Yell at them for me pls love you hugs and kisses’ #And of course Crowley says #‘Yeah bbg ofc I’ll yell at them for you luv you too’ #good omens #crowley #aziraphale #ineffable husbands #aziracrow #good omemes #good omens shitpost #good omens text post #ineffable cats

[caligvlasaqvarivm]

#homestuck #eridan ampora #karkat vantas #death //////// // / #just straight up one of the funniest moments from the comic #erikar #tagging that because this conversation fascinates me #karkat is LITERALLY IN THE MIDDLE OF YELLING AT ERIDAN FOR WAND MURDER #and SCARED FOR HIS FUCKING LIFE because of gamzee #and he CALMS DOWN because he's talking to fucking eridan and fucking eridan is a fucking idiot #moirails you guys theyre so moirails for each other

[sidsinning]

why is lucifer's design so peak

#perfect he's perfect u hear me #hazbin hotel #lucifer morningstar #sidrabbles #him smiling and yelling at lute to go home as adams dead body is right below him is kinda sending me #even if he hated him he's known him since the beginning of humanity #he just dgaf #mans attacked charlie and was mean to his wife gn adam

[parisoonic]

Two insufferable idiots visit the library. Transcript below as my handwriting is really teeny tiny in that last panel.

Panel 1: Medic: So, we rounded the corner and all those idiots were bunched up around the kart. I pop, and Misha here swept his gun around like it was the hand of God. There was blood everywhere! A full team on one kritz! Hahahaha! What a day! You're probably thinking but Mr. Ludwig, wouldn't they all respawn at once? Yes. They did. It was terrible, but- Librarian (off screen): Sir. Sir please. Panel 2: Librarian : Okay, very good sirs. Your library books are still overdue and covered in...blood? Medic (off screen): And viscera! Panel 3: Heavy: Is OK. I will pay.

Panel 4: Medic: I really thought my enchanting anecdote would get those fines waived for you! Heavy: Is OK Doktor, story was good. You had to be there though. Thanks for coffee. Medic: Ja, you're welcome. It was the least I could do after ruining those books. Heavy: You...you said it was Pyro and Scout... Medic: I did?

#yell at me if the text is too small and i'll adjust or leave a transcript #tf2 #tf2 fanart #tf2 medic #team fortress 2 #tf2 heavy #heavymedic #sorry this comic is a nothing burger! i drew the first panel and then just stream of consciousness'ed the rest #medic gets a charcoal jumper for his wardrobe (sorry i was really bored of colouring in the same fawn colour all the time) #this is also going into the 'them as friends' part of my continium

[civetside]

hello guys it's me miss consistent art style!!! wrestling AU????? sorry i am smashing my 2 current interests together as ya do, gideons trying to be a cool pro wrestler and harrow is her manager

#tlt #griddlehark #the locked tomb #gideon the ninth #harrowhark nonagesimus #gideon nav #camilla hect #ianthe tridentarius #idk im not tagging ALL of them you know the guys #i been watching a lotta wwe and wow lately good shit lemme tell you what #i need somebody to like wrestling like i do so i can yell at them about WOW like please that shit is CRAZY #anyways i have so many ideas for this AU you have no idea #i have plans for most characters okay it all fits perfectly just give me another 100 pages to tell you about it #i will be drawing more homosexual wrestling if you all are interested in seeing more #i love being cringe smiles real big