#people went into hubby's work while sick and here we are

[samandcolbyownme]

Summary: Y/n gets sick of people making comments about her being single while at a work event and ends up asking her best friend, Sam, to pretend to be her date for the weekend.

Warnings: SMUT18+, strong language, alcohol consumption, reader being around judgmental people, flirting, kissing, hair pulling, biting, unprotected quickie, mix of sensual fluff and general filth, friends to lovers basically

Word Count: 9.8k | not really edited

Thank you for being so patient with me 🖤

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"Don't you leave for that work trip thingy today?" Your best friend, Lilly asks as you finish your breakfast. You nod, "Uh huh." You roll your eyes with a sigh, "A weekend with a bunch of high class bitches who like to judge everyone around them and show off their sugar daddy hubbies."

"That sounds... awful.. but you get your own hotel room, don't you?" She leans onto the counter and you nod, "Oh yeah. It's a beautiful one, too. Here."

You pull your phone out to show her the hotel, "Oh god." She gasps and begs, "Take me with you!"

You laugh slightly, "I could if I would, but the only plus ones that are allowed is the significant others." You shake your head slightly, "Which is stupid."

"I'll be your significant other." She walks around, pressing her cheek to yours, "We can be lesbian lovers for the weekend." She laughs and you sigh, "We could probably pull it off, honestly."

She snaps her fingers and points at you, "Exactly." She stares at you for a second, "Why don't you see if Sam will go?"

You stare back at her, "Wh-what? why would you even-"

She cuts you off, "I know you like him." She smirks and glances up at you, "I can see it all over you when you're around him. When his name is mentioned.."

"He's my best friend, Lilly." You scoff slightly, "I don't think he'd wanna share a hotel with me for three days."

She raises her eyebrows and purses her lips. You tilt your head, "What's that look for?"

She shakes her head slowly, "No reason.."

"There's a reason. I know you." You move your bowl aside and rest your elbows on the counter, "Now spill."

She drags her finger in circles on the counter, "Colby and I may have had a little meeting, as the best friends of the people who like each other."

Your heart picks up and you blink, shaking your head as you try to understand what she just said, "Excuse me? You and Colby what?"

She laughs, "Oh come on. He can see it all over Sam, too. You guys.. like.. really need to understand the meaning of having a poker face." She snorts, "Especially around each other."

"Wait..." you hold your hand up, closing your eyes, "are you saying that Sam likes me?" You look at her and she nods, "And you like him."

"I never said that." You say quickly and she gently slaps the counter, "You don't need to, because as I just said, you have a horrible poker face when it comes to him. I can see that you're seething with love for him right now."

You roll your eyes, "Whatever you say."

"I say, that you guys are just scared, and one of you needs to just risk it for the biscuit because you both are head over heels for each other." Lilly stands up, "I have a photoshoot, so if i don't see you before you leave, good luck. I hope you get an award or whatever it is they're passing out. Call me when you get there."

"It's literally forty five minutes away and we're not done talking about this." You laugh and she shrugs, "I still worry." She smiles and grabs her jacket as she walks to the door, "and we are until I know you can just admit it. Love you, see ya!"

"Love you, see ya!"

.·:*¨ ✘ ¨*:·.

Good luck tomorrow, y/n. Remember, even if you don't get an award, you're still a winner to us.

You can't help but smile at Sam's message, and that quickly leads into replaying this mornings conversation with Lilly.

You did like Sam, a lot.

But, you always thought there was way too much history with each other, and if it went to shit, you'd lose all the good things with him.

Besides Lilly, Sam knows you like the back of his hand. You grew up together, basically.

Which gets you into thinking about what exactly him and Lilly talked about, you and Sam obviously, but did Sam really like you, too?

"Miss... miss?"

You look up from your phone screen and the driver is looking back at you.

He smiles slightly, "Is this the place?"

You look out the window, getting a nauseated feeling as you nod, "Yeah, yeah it is." You look back at him, "I'll tip you on the app if that's okay?"

He nods, "I appreciate it. Have a good night."

You smile and nod, "Thank you. You too." You get out, grabbing your suitcase before you shut the door and slowly turn around to face the entrance of the very fancy hotel, "Just two nights." You whisper as you force yourself to walk into the building, "Just two nights."

You walk up to the desk, and right off the bat you felt like you were judge for being alone.

Everyone had their arm candies and you just had your suitcase.

"Hi, will you be checking in?" The lady behind the desk asks, "just you, I assume?" You clench your jaw and swallow, "Yeah, just me, for now." You step forward as you talk quietly, "Y/n y/l/n."

"You're under the reserved rooms for Brookendale." Her eyes move up to you and you nod, "That's right."

She doesn't say another word until she grabs your room key, "usually you get two.. but.." her eyes move down to your suitcase and you wanted to just turn around and go home, "Actually. Someone will be joining me later. He's just working late tonight."

She raises her eyebrows, seeing right through your empty lie, "Mm. Enjoy your stay, miss y/l/n."

You snatch the key from her grasp and make your way to the elevator, pressing the up arrow and praying that the doors open quickly.

As they open, you stop when you see Carmen Kline. The bosses favorite employee, "Ah, y/n! I'm so glad you could make it!"

Carmen was usually alright, but once she got around those certain type of people, she because a totally different person.

"Yeah. Im here." You laugh slightly as you get on. She leans back, "You should totally come down for drinks. Zack is buying us all our first one, but I'm sure we can milk him for a couple more." She nudges you as she giggles and you can smell that she's already had a few.

"Maybe once I get settled." You glance over at her with a smile and point to the doors as they open, "I'll see you later maybe."

"Yes please come down!" She yells as the doors shut and you keep walking, stopping at your door and going in as quickly as you can.

You press your back against the shut door and let out a sigh, the thought of doing what Lilly said to do was heavy on your mind.

You chew on your lip, pulling your phone out as you FaceTime her.

"Glad you made it there okay." She says as she answers, "You okay?"

You laugh slightly, "The lady at the desk already ridiculed me for coming alone, so it's going wonderfully." Your words dripping with sarcasm, "I fucking hate these things. It's been three years and I never win anyway."

"Maybe this time it'll be different." She says and you sigh, "doubt it." You walk over to the bed, lifting your suitcase onto it, "Since I have you, can you help me to decide on which dress to wear?"

"Um, yes. Of course!" She sets her phone down and sits down, watching the screen as you pull out two dresses, "okay.. this one?"

You hold up the spaghetti strap black velvet mini dress, "Or.." you grab the other dress, the black lace corset mini dress, "This one?"

"Definitely that one." She says with zero hesitation, "isn't that the one you designed yourself?"

"I sure did." Your eyes scan over the dress in your hands and you sigh, "I really like this one."

"I'm sure Sam will like it too." She teases and you can feel your cheeks getting warm, "Stop it."

"I'm just joking. You know I have to." She laughs and sighs, "which one are you wearing for the awards tomorrow night?"

You smirk and pull out the sparkly maroon gown, "This. Zack said we have to dress fancy and I figured this was fancy enough."

"And hot." Lilly says, "I remember you trying that on after you were done with it. It looked so good on you."

You smile, "Thanks." You check the time, "Alright. I have to get ready and head down for whatever the hell it is we're doing.. the mixer bullshit thingy."

"Call me later."

"So I can tell you how awful it went?" You laugh and she sighs, "I'm telling you.. ca-"

"Bye! Love you!" You hang up on her and throw your phone down before changing into the black dress with the lace corset.

You curled your hair before you left, so you just needed to touch that up, along with redoing your makeup.

You slipped your heels on and walk over to the body mirror, turning to each side as you inspect yourself.

You snap a few mirror selfies before you tuck your phone and room key into your purse and walk over to your door.

You take a deep breath, calming your nerves before you open it and walk over to the elevator. To your surprise, when the doors open, you see Zack standing there, smiling at you, "Hello, y/n."

"Hello, Mr. Brookendale." You give him a smile and step onto the elevator.

"Y/n. You can call me Zack." He chuckles, "Going to the mixer?" He turns his body so it's facing you. You look over at him, nodding, "Yes. Are you?"

He chuckles, "Now what kind of question is that?"

You laugh slightly, "Of course you're going."

Zack has always been flirty with you, which you didn't like, but he's never actually tried anything, then again, he's flirty with all the other girls who work for him.

"Of course I am." He smirks, "My company, right?" His smug look makes you want to round house him, but you just play it off with a gentle laugh, "That it is, Zack. That it is."

You started thinking about Sam. About how if he was here, Zack would possibly have a whole different attitude towards you and Sam could play the protective boyfriend or whatever.

The ding of the elevator snaps you out of your daze and you look up as the doors open. As you step forward, you feel a hand lay on the center of your back and he leans in slightly, whispering, "That dress is gorgeous, by the way."

You swallow, nodding, "Thank you. I designed it myself."

"I know you did." He winks and walks off, leaving you to follow behind him alone. You walk up to the table, letting the people know you're here for the mixer and they direct you into the side room.

You walk in, immediately grabbing a glass of champagne from the tray, "Please. Yes. Thank you."

The waiter nods and walks away as you practically down the drink in one gulp.

"Thirsty or something?" Carmen asks walking up to you. You force a smirk and shrug, "I just don't really want to be here."

"You'll be fine. Now come on." She grabs your hand and pulls you through the room, not giving you a chance to escape.

The whole time you're following her, you're mentally cursing at her because you know what she's pulling you into.

It's the same thing every year.

You show up without a date, you get judged for showing up without said date, even though the girls think they're being discreet, they're absolutely not.

"Hey!" Carmen says loudly in a sing songy tone, "Look who I found!"

"Oh y/n! We were wondering when you'd get here." Alexa says bringing her glass to her lips. You fight hard on not rolling your eyes, "Yeah, yeah.. here I am."

You look around, grabbing another glass of champagne off the tray that's moving by and immediately bringing it to your lips.

"Carmen said she seen you on the way here, but.." Alexa giggles slightly, "So.. do we get to meet this mystery man that you're being so private about?"

Fuck, you think, why do they have to remember that?

You laugh slightly, "Maybe. Maybe. He's actually working late tonight, so if not tonight, tomorrow for sure."

You could knock yourself out. Literally.

"We're all excited to meet him." Alexa says and looks around at the other overly dressed girls, "Aren't we?"

They all agree, "Yeah, we just don't know why you won't tell us about him." Deana says, but her tone of voice screams that they don't believe you.

Which they shouldn't because you have been totally lying about this mystery man the whole time.

"I like to keep things private. You know how it is." You sip your drink and Deana laughs slightly, "yeah.. privacy is important, but at the same time, doesn't that get suffocating? I mean you don't have any posts about him on Facebook, Instagram.. I mean.. come on, y/n."

So you've been stalking me.. nice, is what you wanted to say, but instead you force a smile, "I'll see you guys later." You turn and walk away, and you can hear Carmen scolding them, but it quickly turns into laughter.

What a surprise.

You roll your eyes and walk up to the bar, sitting down so you can check your phone. You click on Lilly's name and start typing, but you stop when you remember you never answered Sam.

You go out and click on Sam's name and start typing your message, Hey. I have a question.

You shove your phone back into your purse, hoping that drinking the rest of your drink will give you the ounce of confidence you need to ask Sam.

You didn't think he'd say no. He'd do anything for you.

The kicker is, if he says yes. You both have to play the part, and you have to play it good.

You feel your purse vibrate, so you pull your phone out, reading Sam's message, I may have an answer. What's up?

You chew on your lip as you circle your fingers above your keyboard, unsure of how to ask, Can I call you quick?

Before you even have a second to think about what you're going to say, you see Sam's face pop up on your phone and you smile.

You stand up, walking out of the room as you answer, "Hey."

"How's it going? Need me to come rescue you yet?" Sam chuckles but that wasn't perfect lead way, "Um.. actually.."

"Uh oh. What happened?"

"Can you do me a favor?" You look around as you walk away to a lesser crowded area, "It's a huge and.." you laugh, "..a very weird favor."

"I'm listening." He pauses, waiting for you to ask your favor and you shake your hand slightly, rubbing your sweaty palm against your thigh, "Can you come here?"

"You want me to come there? Like right now?" He asks kinda surprised. You regret asking until he speaks, "What do I need to pack?"

"Wait. You're actually coming?" You ask and he scoffs, "you sound shocked, like I wouldn't do anything for you."

You smile and nod, "yeah, well.. there's.. um.. here's the things.." you sigh and just spit it out, "I need you to pretend to be my fiancé or whatever." You quickly follow up, "please don't ask. I'll explain it when you get here. Or later. Sometime just.. fancy. Dress fancy and nice, these people will eat you alive if you come in your xplr merch."

He laughs, "They must not know fashion then."

"Yeah, I guess not. Do you want me to send you what I'm wearing now so you can coordinate or whatever?" You ask, a nervous feeling washing over your body.

"Yeah, you can. Just so I can get a feel for how fancy I need to pack quick."

You can tell you're on speaker now and he's working on packing. You loved how much he cared about you and would drop everything, if he could, for you.

You honestly loved him for how he is in general, though.

"Okay..." you go out, sending him the picture you took before coming down, "Sent. And when you get here, Sam.." you pause, laughing anxiously, "Tell them you are here as my plus one and that you were working late."

"Tell them I was working late?" He repeats and you sigh, "Like I said.. I'll explain everything when I see you."

"Fine, fine. I gotta let Colby know I'm leaving. I'll be there in like an hour or so."

"Thank you. You're the best." You smile at the ground and he sighs, but you can tell he's smiling, "I know." He laughs, "I'll text you when I'm almost there."

"Thank you."

"Welcome. See you soon."

.·:*¨ ✘ ¨*:·.

The next hour felt utterly painful.

It was dragging by so, so slow for you and you just wanted Sam there already.

Your phone vibrates and you lift it, smiling as you read his text, Pulling up now. I'll take my bag to the room then come back down.

You type back quick, Tell the lady at the desk to go fuck herself while you're at it.

You may have gotten a stronger drink, so therefore, you weren't in any mood to deal with the judgement comments from anyone anymore.

Harsh, but I'll see what I can do lol, you laugh at his text and shake your head, grabbing your drink as you move through the room, talking to people who actually enjoy seeing you.

You mainly talk about your dress, other designs you have coming along.

The fashion industry usual.

You can tell your mood changed the second Sam said he would come, but it changed even more when you seen him walk in.

He's wearing his black short sleeve button up, black and white striped pants with his white shoes and he just looks absolutely incredible.

A huge smile spreads across your face as you walk over to him. His eyes lock onto yours, a smile growing on his lips as he walks towards you.

"There you are." He says and brings you in for a hug, "How's it going?"

"Better, now that you're here." You look up at him and he glances from your drink to your face, "Sure it's not from whatever you're drinking?"

You shrug, "Maybe." You smirk and turn as you hear Carmen talking, and it's growing closer, "Y/n."

You lean into Sam slightly, sliding your arm around him and his arm slides around your waist, "Carmen, this is Sam, my fiancé. Sam, my coworker Carmen."

"Sam." She says as she looks him up and down, "I honestly feel like I know who you are I just.." she looks him up and down, "Can't put my finger on it."

He chuckles and shrugs, "I get that a lot." His thumb runs slow and gently up and down your waist, "I need a drink, excuse us." He turns, moving you with him and he leans in more, "How good do we have to play the part?"

You look up at him, "We have to fully commit to this. But only if you're okay with it."

"That's good because..." he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a ring, "You said fiancé, and I noticed in your picture you send you didn't have one on and Lilly told me how judgmental these people are so.."

Your lips part slightly as you watch him slip the ring on your finger, "I'm so glad you thought of that because I didn't even.." you laugh slightly, kinda flustered, "Thanks."

He nods, "Mhm." His eyes stay on you as you lean forward to order your drink. He looks away when you look back and you lean in, "What do you want?"

"Get whatever." He smiles and you nod, looking back to the bartender, "Two of them please."

Just as you turn back to Sam, Deana walks up with Carmen and Alexa, "So, this is the mystery man she kept us from knowing about."

Her ring covered fingers reach out and grab his hand, "I'm Deana. I work in the same department as y/n."

Sam glances down at her hand and back up to you. You give him a subtle look, indicating that she's one of the bitches who's always on you with the comments and shit.

He takes his hand away, pulling you closer, "Yeah?"

Deana nods, "You know she doesn't talk about you right?"

"Deana." You sigh and Sam chuckles, "We like to keep things private, you know. It's more intimate between us, the less the public knows.." he glances over at you with a smile, "The better."

Deana didn't like that she wasn't getting to Sam, "Mm. Yeah, I mean.. to each their own I guess." She raises her eyebrows and shakes her head as she shrugs.

"How long have you been together?" Alexa pries, following up quickly with, "I'm just curious."

"I've known her, basically my whole life." Sam nods, "We grew up together and one thing led to another and now we're getting married here soon."

You smile, laying your hand on his abdomen.

"Hm, really?" Alexa raises a brow, "Here I thought you were just a lonely gal." Her eyes move up and down Sam, "But now I can see that you're just a gal who got really lucky."

"What's that supposed to mean?" You straighten up and she smirks, but Sam cuts her off before she can add anything, "If anyone is lucky here, it's me. I don't know what I'd do without her."

Sam kisses your temple and you can feel your cheeks heating up again as you smile.

"I'm proud of her." He smiles at Alexa and Deana and they say nothing, "Did you design your dress too?"

Alexa clenches her jaw and sighs, "No, but it's fro-"

"Alright, well now that this is over, we should take our seats because Zack will be up to announce the nominees." Carmen cuts in, pushing them away as she turns around mouthing a quick, "Sorry."

You turn to Sam, "See what I mean."

He brushes hair from your face and tucks it behind your ear as his eyes scan over your face, "You don't deserve that, so I'll do whatever it takes to get them off your back."

You wanted to admit that you liked him, you wanted to come clean about everything but by the time you got enough courage to blurt it out, the microphone omits a high pitched screech and Zack clears his through, "If everyone would take their seats please.. I'm about to announce the nominees."

You grab your drink, along with Sam grabbing his and you make your way to your table.

He moves his chair closer to yours and lays his arm over the back of it, around you.

If it wasn't for you asking him to pretend for the weekend, you would honestly think you and Sam are actually together.

"You're nominated for something right?" Sam asks leaning in, and his face is so close to yours if you turn you could kiss him.

You nod, "I think so. I wasn't told for sure, but I think." You shrug and turn your head slightly towards him, "Not a big deal if I'm not."

His fingers gently rubbing your arm as he sips on his drink, "It'll happen, babe. I'm sure of it. They'd be stupid not to give you something."

You smile and bring your drink up to your lips, mainly because you were jittery about him calling you babe. No one was around, so that was all him.

After a few categories and the people nominated are announced, you start to have this feeling that your name is going to be said.

"The nominees for the Creative Genius are.. Deana Till.." Zack pauses as people clap and you sigh, "Of course."

"Carmen Kline.."

Everyone claps, including you. You genuinely liked Carmen, and she surprised you tonight by not joining in on their ridiculing crusade.

"Y/n y/l/n."

Even thought you had a feeling it was coming, you're still shocked and Sam gently grabs your shoulders, "That's you, babe!"

The name makes your heart skip a beat, again. You cared more about that than being nominated for an award you probably won't win.

You smile, looking from his eyes to his lips before Carmen comes up to you, "Who would have ever thought that we'd be running against each other! Ah! I'm so excited for tomorrow night!" She sits down and looks up at you, "How do you feel?"

You look over at her, slightly shrugging your shoulders, "I mean.. I probably won't have a reaction until we find out who gets the award tomorrow, but.. yeah. Good I guess."

You look back at Sam and he smiles, "You're so gunna win, babe. I know it." He brings his drink up to his lips and Carmen groans, "You guys are so cute, just stop it."

She smiles and nods back to her table, "I have to go find my hubs before he spends all our money at the bar."

She gets up and walks away and you look at Sam, "Don't you just love my coworkers."

He chuckles, "You work in a high class fashion industry, darling. I wouldn't expect it any differently."

You raise your eyebrow and nod, no longer talking about work, "some days I wish it was."

"Yeah.. I know what you mean." He finishes his drink and you look at him, "You hunt ghosts, Sam." You laugh and he sighs, "It's hard work, you need to come with us one of these times."

You shake your head and hold your hand up, "I'm good."

"I'll be there to protect you." He smiles and pokes your shoulder as he leans in, "It's not bad... sometimes."

"Exactly. You never know." You take a sip of your drink and check the time, "Does that mean we can leave? I need out of this godforsaken dress."

He looks around, "I see other people leaving so.. I would assume we can."

You look over at him, "Do you want to leave?"

He smirks, "I'll do whatever you want, fiancé." He winks and stands up, "M'lady." He holds his hand out and you can't help but smile and take his hand.

As you're walking out, Carmen stops you at the door, "Hey, y/n. Wait up."

"Yeah?" You ask looking at her. She smiles, "we were just going to dinner." She motions to Zack, "I want you and Sam to join us."

You glance over at Sam and he shrugs, "I haven't eaten yet." You nod and look back at Carmen, "Where at?"

"Just right down the hall." She points and you nod, "We'll follow you." You keep ahold of Sam's hand as you follow them out the doorway.

"So fiancé, huh?" Zack says as he glances back, "How long has that been a thing?"

"I proposed recently, actually. It was a private thing, on the beach where we went all the time as kids."

You were surprised with how fast Sam came up with responses, but at the same time, he knew you.

He knew you well.

"That's so sweet!" Carmen pushes her bottom lip out and you smile, "Yeah. I didn't expect it, really. We go there as much as we can, it just never occurred to me that this would have happened.." you hold up your ring and Carmen pouts, "I'm sure it was beautiful. Do you have any pictures?"

Carmen looks between you and Sam, and Sam Saves your ass, "I do, but they're all on my laptop at home. The photographer recently just sent the rest to us."

"Can't rush perfection, am I right?" She laughs and Zack holds his hand out, "Stay right here."

You look at Carmen with a weird look as he walks away from you and she shrugs, "I have no idea. But I understand. You'll have to send them to me, y/n. I'd love to see them. I'm such a sucker for cute engagement pictures."

"Engagement pictures? Oh I'd love to see them too, y/n.." Alexa says walking up with her husband, glued to her side. 

"They just got them back, Lex. Lay off, okay." Carmen sticks up for you but Alexa just snorts, "I still don't believe this. There's just something..." she looks you up and down, smirky smugly, "Fishy.. about all of this."

"You can think what you want.. but I'm real. I'm here. So there's no need to be a bitch towards, y/n." Sam's words shock you, but also set a fire inside of you.

You love when he sticks up for you.

You always have.

Alexa snaps her head back slightly, "Excuse me?" Sam laughs, "Clearly, you heard me." His grip tightens on your waist and you lay a hand on his chest, "Baby, it's fine."

He looks down at you and you smile, "It's not worth it."

"What's going on out here?" Zack asks walking back out, looking at Alexa. She shakes her head, "Nothing. Nothing at all." She rolls her eyes and pulls her miserable looking husband with her, quietly yelling at him because he didn't stick up for her.

"Sorry, Sam." Carmen furrows her brows and frowns, "She can be a little..ehh."

He shakes his head, "Don't sweat it. We get that a lot actually."

"Really?" She asks and he nods but Zack cuts in, "Our tables are ready."

You all walk in, expecting to be sat in a booth, but you're led to a whole other table, kind of away from everyone else and it's decorated with scattered rose petals and a lit candle, "What is this?" You look at Sam and he shrugs.

Zack walks up between you and Sam, "I'd like to congratulate one of my favorite employees on her engagement." He lays a hand on Sam's shoulder, "You're a very lucky man."

Sam smiles and nods, "I am." He locks eyes with you, "Very, very lucky."

At this point, you weren't sure if you were just pretending, or if the truth was slowly coming out.

"Well.. dinner is on me tonight, as a congratulations. Enjoy it." He smiles and walks back over to Carmen and you look at Sam, "Free dinner? Hell yeah."

He walks around, moving your chair out for you and helping you scoot in, "Good?"

You nod, "Good." He walks to his seat, sitting down and looking over the menu, "this place is way too fancy, I can't even pronounce that."

You laugh slightly and shake your head, biting your lip as you look over the menu for yourself, "I know right? It's a lot of fancy for me, too."

You lean back in your chair and look up at him, "I have a confession."

"Oh, I love a good confession." He leans forward and stares at you, elbows on the table, "Hit me."

You laugh and lean forward, "Lilly gave me the idea to do this.. I just wasn't sure if you'd actually do something like this. But I guess I thought wrong."

He smiles and shakes his head, "Yeah, her and Colby have meetings about us apparently."

"You know about those, too!?" You lean back slightly and scoff, "Well.."

"Well?" Sam tilts his head and you look up at him, "I guess now a a good time to-"

"Hello, sorry about the wait. My name is Luis, I'll be taking care of you guys tonight."

"Hello." You smile up at him and Sam nods, also smiling, "Hey, how are you?"

Luis nods, "I'm great since I've been giving the pleasure of taking care of the newly engaged couple, can I get you guys started with some on the house drinks?"

You and Sam look over the drink options and order and Luis nods, "I'll be right back with those."

You look back at Sam, "We should do this more often." You laugh and Sam nods, smiling as he thinks about doing it for real one day, "Yeah, yeah we should."

You pull your phone out, "Smile this is going to both Lilly and Colby."

Sam laughs as you take the picture. The rose petals scattered in front of him make the picture even better.

"Such a cutie." You smile at him and look down at your phone as you send the picture to your friends, "They'll love this."

You put your phone away and rest your chin in the palm of your hand, "so back to-"

"Here we are." Luis sets the glasses down and leans up, "Are we ready to order?" You look at Sam and he nods, "I am if you are."

You nod and look at Luis, ordering before Sam does. Luis nods, "I'll put that right in."

"Okay." You look at Sam and sigh, "Before we get interrupted.. again." You laugh slightly and lean in as you whisper the truth, "I like you a lot, but I'm just scared that if we tr-"

Sam cuts you off by leaning over and pulling you to him. His lips press to yours and you immediately give into him, laying a hand on his arm as your lips move slowly together.

"I've been waiting years to do that." He whispers before leaning back, "You have no idea."

You smile, "Trust me. I think I do." You lean back in, pressing your lips to his and he smiles within the kiss, "I've been in love with you the minute I saw you. I was just so scared to tell you and then we became such good friends."

You lay a hand on his cheek, "I know the feeling, Sam." You smile and lean back, your cheeks filling with a deep pink tint as he continues to stare at you.

"You are.. amazing." He reaches out, taking your hand in his, "You deserve this award and even if you don't get it.. we'll get you one made."

"You don't have to do that." You shake your head and Sam sighs, "you deserve it, y/n. You are so beyond talented and smart, I mean hell, look at what you're wearing."

You glance down at your dress, absolutely speechless.

"You are going to go far, and I'm so beyond happy that I get to watch you turn into such a successful.. hold on.." he bites his lip, squeezing your hand and you look up at him.

"I'm so beyond happy that I get to watch my girlfriend become successful in what she loves doing." He smiles and your heart rate picks up, "Girlfriend?"

"Well, fiancé, for the weekend, but yeah." He smirks and brings your hand up to kiss it, "I'm so proud of you."

The rest of dinner was a blur, but a good and happy blur. You felt like you were floating, maybe it was the three drinks on top of what you had at the mixer, but you knew you were genuinely happy.

As you stand up, you notice Carmen and Zack are gone, "I'll tell them thank you tomorrow." Sam wraps his arm around your waist and leads you out and to the elevator.

He stands behind you as you wait, arms wrapped around you with his chin on your shoulder, "Guess we're done pretending, huh?"

You nod with a sigh, leaning back into him, "I guess we are."

The doors open and you step in, assuming the position you were just in after pressing the button, "Sorry I was so scared before."

"Mm. Don't do that." He kisses your cheek, "water under the bridge, baby."

The doors open and you make your way back to the hotel room. Sam holds the door open for you and you immediately kick your heels off as soon as you walk in.

Sam walks over, sitting on the bed next to your suit case, "Is this the dress you designed a few weeks ago?" Sam looks from the dress to you.

"The sparkly one?" You turn after taking your earrings out and he nods. You nod, "Yeah, that's her."

"Incredible." He bites his lip and tilts his head as he looks back down at it. His fingers run over the fabric and you walk over, "What's on your mind?"

"I'm just thinking about having you design our next merch line." He looks up at you and you smile, "Really?"

He nods, "Well, basically im asking you to. Colby and I already talked about it and he's game."

"Of course, yes." You smile and he smiles, "Yeah?"

You nod, "I'd be honored to. Just let me know what kind of designs you want." He holds his hand out and you take it. He spins you around and unzips your dress, "Go change into your comfy clothes."

You smile and go to the bathroom to change and take your makeup off. You walk out and Sam is already in shorts and a t shirt, and your suitcase is moved next to his on the floor.

He stops and looks at you, "You're so beautiful." You shake your head and cover your face, "Nooo."

"Yesss." He mocks you and walks over to you, "Come on." He pulls you to the bed and you lay down, his body pressed against yours from behind.

His arm lays over your waist and you gently play with his fingers, "Where did you get this ring from?"

He chuckles anxiously, "Well.. you see.." he pauses and you look over your shoulder at him, "What?"

"I've had it for a little bit actually.. not that I was actually going to propose or anything.. but mainly for when I got enough courage to tell you I liked you.."

"A promise ring?" You roll over to face him and he smiles and laughs slightly, "Basically, yeah."

"Sam." You whisper and he tucks hair behind your ear, "Sorry if it's not the right timing but.." he shrugs and leans in to kiss you, "I just want you to know that I got you.. no matter what."

You lay a hand on his cheek and smile, yawning as you feel the tiredness hit you, "I love it."

He smiles and kisses your forehead, "Get some sleep, you have a big day tomorrow."

.·:*¨ ✘ ¨*:·.

Your eyes fluttered open, squinting at the sunlight peaking through the slightly open curtains.

You roll over, shocked for a quick second when you see Sam lying there asleep, but that shock is quickly filled with happiness and a feeling of relief.

You sit up, trying your best not to disturb him. You reach over, grabbing your purse from on top or your suit case.

You quietly laugh and smile as you see both responses from Lilly and Colby.

Lilly's text reads, now that looks like l.o.v.e.

Colby's text reads, he is so in love with you, y/n.

Sam sits up, rubbing his eyes, "Morning." You look over at him, setting your phone down as you turn to him, "Morning."

He smiles at you and leans in for a kiss. You lean in, closing the space and you both smile.

"Are you ready for this afternoon?" Sam asks as he stands up and stretches. You sigh with a laugh, "Not really."

"I'm sure you'll be alright, babe. I'll be with you the whole time." He smiles and you tilt your head, "How do you do that?"

"Do what?" He asks running his hand through his hair.

"Make everything okay."

He tilts his head, "What do you mean?" You lay on your side and he sits down on the bed, still looking at you.

"You just.. have this way of making me feel better.. no matter what." You look up at him and he smiles, "I could ask you the same question." He leans down, pressing his lips to your forehead.

You smile, closing your eyes until he leans back, "what time is it?"

He looks at the clock on the wall that's behind you, "Almost eleven."

You groan, "We have to be down there by one." You flip onto your back and say lays next to you, propping his head up with his hand, "At least you know what category you're in, so you can just ignore it all until then."

You look up at him, "I just really hope I win so I can rub it in that bitch's face."

He chuckles and nods, "Yeah, yeah. Me too honestly."

You laugh as you sit up, looking at the dress that's laid out over the chair, "You ever do something and it turned out better than you thought that you just can't believe that you did it?"

"You should be proud of yourself, babe. What you do is  pure talent. Even I'm a little jealous." Sam chuckles and you look at him, "Didn't you win awards already?"

"That's besides the point." He kisses your head, "Get ready, we'll go get some breakfast before we have to actually get ready."

.·:*¨ ✘ ¨*:·.

"Sam?" You call out as you walk out from the bathroom, "Can you zip me up, please?"

You look up and he's staring at you, "Wow, um. Yeah, I can. Turn around for me."

You turn around, holding your dress to your body as he gently tugs the zipper upward, "alright. Spin around, let me see you."

You spin around and Sam's eyes rake up and down your body, "This is beautiful." He reaches out, his fingers lightly dragging up and down the fabric over your hip, "You outdid yourself with this one."

You smile, "Does this low bun and loose strands look okay with it?"

He cups your cheeks and tilts your head up, "You look absolutely gorgeous. I promise." He leans down, kissing you gently before stepping back, "Now.. how do I look?"

"It's a simple outfit, but you look expensive." You smirk and he chuckles, "That was the goal." He hands you your purse and you take it, making sure you have everything before nodding, "Alright. Let's do this."

You make your way down, everyone you pass complimenting you on your dress and you can't help but tell each person that you designed it yourself.

Sam was right, you should be proud, and you are.

You walk in to the small ballroom where you were last night and you feel like all eyes are on you.

Sam leans in, pressing a kiss to your temple and your anxiety washes away, "Thank you."

"Mhm." He points, "I'll go get us a drink if you want to go to our table." You nod, parting ways and going to sit down.

Carmen comes up and makes you stand up, "Oh my god, y/n. This dress is absolutely perfect. Holy shit."

You smile and shrug, "Thanks. I made it myself." 

"You totally deserve this award. If I win, I'm giving it to you." She looks you up and down, "I don't know how you aren't higher up in this industry."

You shrug, "I'll get there at some point, right?"

"You will when you win that award for creative genius, because this just screams, creative genius." She laughs and holds her hand up, "Hey Sam."

"Hey." Sam smiles and hands you your drink, "here babe." You take it and smile, "Thank you."

You hear the microphone squeal and Carmen sighs, "Good luck!" You nod, "You too!" You turn to Sam and sit down.

"You so have this in the bag." He smiles and everyone claps as Zack makes his way to the stage, "Good afternoon, everyone. Thank you all for being here, I'm very excited to give these ladies the recognition they truly deserve, so without further ado, our first category.."

You lean in towards Sam and laugh slightly, "You know.. I don't know why I said fiancé.."

He chuckles, "Yeah. We're kinda screwed on that one."

"Yeah. I can't just be like, oh hey. We started dating last night. We're not actually engaged." You laugh quietly and he nods, "we'll figure it out as time goes on, but in the meantime, I don't mind being your fake fiancé."

You smile and nod, "Yeah, it's pretty fun."

He shrugs, taking a sip of his drink before leaning in close to your ear, "Gives us practice for the future, right?"

You look at him, smiling as you nod, "Right." He pecks your lips and lays his arm behind you across the chair.

A few drinks later, you're finally at the category your name is listed in.

"Here we go. No matter what. You still got it." Sam grabs your hand and you hold onto it right as Zack speaks.

"And the winner of the creative genius award goes to.."

There's a slight pause as he opens up the folded piece of paper, "Y/n y/l/n." Zack claps and looks over at you and your mouth drops.

"That's you baby! You won! You fucking won!" You stand up, along with Sam and he kisses you, "go, go." You walk up to the small stage and accept the award from Zack, “Thank you.”

"You deserve this. Look at who you're wearing." He smiles and claps as you turn to the microphone, "um, wow. Okay. I honestly didn't expect this, but at the same time.." you laugh slightly and motion to your dress, "I made this."

"Yeah you did!" Carmen yells and you laugh, "I don't really have a speech prepared but I just want to thank everyone in my life who's pushed me to keep going and to Zack for taking a chance on me."

You look back at him and he nods with a smile. You turn back to the microphone and nod, "Thank you."

You step back and walk off and Zack starts talking again, “I also just found out today that our y/n has just recently got engaged, so if everyone would give a round applause for the newly engaged couple, Sam and y/n!”

You smile, shaking your head as you make your way back to the table, eyes continuing to stay on you while hands clap together.

Sam stands up, hugging you tight, "I'm so proud of you, y/n." He kisses your cheek a few times and as you sit down, you're still floating so you don't really recognize Zack announcing that you got engaged as a problem.

That is until you remember that this little ceremony is being live-streamed on multiple accounts and they have cameras.. Everywhere.

"Shit." You look around and Sam leans in, "What?"

You can't help but laugh, "Zack just outed us as being engaged." You look over at him and he shrugs with a slight laugh, "So?"

You tilt your head, "This is being live-streamed, Sam.. and we’re only dating.. I just.." you cover your mouth with your hand as you laugh into it.

He lays a hand on your thigh and shakes his head, "how many people actually watch this anyway? And I mean other than the other people in the fashion biz, and you know family and stuff."

You nod, "You're right, it's probably not that big of deal, honestly. I mean your fans probably don’t even know you’re here." You smile as you look over your award, "I can't believe it."

"Believe it baby." He gently pinches your cheek, "I knew you were going to get it."

"I hope Colby and Lilly saw.” You sigh, “I can’t believe I won. I won't be able to think about anything else now." You look over at him and he smirks, "Wanna know what I'm thinking about?"

"What's that?" You bite your lip slightly and he leans in, whispering just enough so you can hear, "Just how slow and gentle I want to pull this dress down your body.."

You tense up slightly, biting down on your lip harder as an excited chill goes down your spine, "Really?"

He nods, his fingers run up and down the zipper of your back, "Really."

You take a deep breath, looking around for any indication that you’re allowed to leave.

“I’m sure they’ll want-“ you get cut off by Zack tapping the microphone, “Would all of my winners, please come back up to the stage.”

“That.” You laugh slightly and Sam shakes his head, “It’s fine, babe. We have all night.” He nods towards the stage, “Now go get your picture taken, my little winner.”

You smile as you grab your award, making your way through the sea of people clapping. You walk up on stage, standing between two of the other girls and you bite your tongue as you see Deana sitting there with her arms crossed, pouting like a child.

You look in front of you to the sea of people taking pictures, you swear if you don’t get vision problems from the stage lights, it’ll be from the flashes of the cameras.

“Y/n. Did you make this dress yourself?” One of the photographers asks and you nod, “I sure did.” You step forward, twirling around to give them a full 360 of your gown.

“It’s beautiful!” They say and you smile, “Thank you!” You step back and Zack walks up to the microphone, “Another round of applause before I set these ladies free to celebrate.”

The audience claps and stands up, cheering and whistling for you all. You knew the industry was important, but you now realized just how important it really is.

“Alright girls.” Zack walks up to you and the others and claps his hands together, “Go celebrate! You deserve it!”

You all say thank you in unison and you make your way back to Sam.

“I’m so proud of you.” He pulls you in, kissing your forehead, “so fucking proud.”

You lean back, looking up at him, “Were free to celebrate.” He raises an eyebrow, “Are we?” You nod, standing up as you hold your hand up, “We are.”

He takes your hand and grabs your award for you before you lead him out of the room.

A string of congratulations follows you all the way to the elevator and you are feeding off the high of winning right now.

You loved it.

The elevator opens and Sam walks you in, spinning you around so his lips can meet yours. Your arms move around his neck as your back presses against the cool metal of the elevator wall.

“You deserve this..” he kisses back your jaw, “So much.” He kisses down your neck and you pull him into you, turning your head so you can kiss his lips again.

The elevator dings and he pulls away, glancing up at the floor number, “C’mon.” He slides his hand down your arm and takes your hand, leading you to the room.

He pulls the key from his pocket, unlocking the door and you both file in. He hands your award to you, “Before we take this dress off of you, let me get your picture.”

You take it, smiling as you pose for him.

“God you’re perfect.” He sets his phone down and you set your award down, your cheeks hurt from smiling so much.

“Let’s get this dress off of you, yeah?” Sam pulls you to him and his hands slide to your back. His fingers gently pull down the zipper and he pulls the sleeves gently from your arms.

And slowly. Just like he said he was thinking about doing.

He slowly tugs it down your body, letting it pool at your feet, “Step out for me.”

You step out and he moves it, kissing up your thighs, torso, and chest as he makes his way back up to your lips. His arms wrap around your waist as his lips move in a slow sync with yours.

You pull him towards the bed and you sit down, watching as he shrugs his jacket off then slips his shirt over his head, tossing it on the floor.

He walks over, hovering his body over yours as he brushes hair from your face, “I can’t believe that after all these years..” he smiles and shakes his head, “Yours finally mine.”

You smile, “We move fast.” You joke with a laugh, “Got engaged right off the bat.”

He chuckles and shrugs, “Not the worst thing in the world.” He dips his head down, kissing you as you run your hand through his hair.

“Do you wanna do this?” He leans back and you furrow your brows, “Please. I’ve thought about this everyday for the last few years.”

“Really?” He laughs and smiles and you tilt your head, “Well, maybe not everyday but you know what I mean.” He nods, pressing his lips to yours, “I do.��

You slide your hands down his torso, undoing his jeans, “Please.” You whimper out, “Don’t make me wait any longer.”

He pushes himself up, and you watch him as he takes off his pants, and he watches you take off your panties. He pulls his bottom lip between his teeth as he moves his body back onto yours.

Your legs part, knees resting on his hips as he stares down at you, “You ready?”

You nod, “Uh huh.” You lay a hand on his cheek, gasping as you feel his cock starting to slip inside of you, “Fuck.” He groans out, dropping his head to rest his forehead against yours.

Your legs move to wrap around his waist and you moan, “S-Sam.”

He pushes in all the way and you gasp, whimpering as you squeeze his cock. He moans, “S-shit.” His lips crash onto yours as he slowly thrusts in and out, feeling you as much as he can for the very first time.

“You feel incredible.” He whispers, “So fucking good.”

You moan, arching your back off the bed. You tangle your fingers into his hair and tug slightly, earning another groan from his lips.

“I love you.” He moans against your lips and you freeze. You’ve said it to each other, but as friends and mainly on birthday posts or something, but now it has a whole other meaning.

“Sorry.” He leans up, giving you a worried look. You stare at him, brushing hair from his forehead, “I love you.”

He smiles and his lips meet yours as his thrusts pick up again, “Every time I said it..” he whispers, a quiet moan following behind, “I’ve meant it this way.”

You nod, “Me too, baby.” You smile and pull him down to kiss him again. You gently bite his bottom lip and he groans, “Fuck.”

He smirks and kisses down your neck, biting and sucking spots into it as you moan out, “S-so close. So close.”

“Cum for me.” His words push you over the edge and you cling to him as he works you through your high, “That’s it baby.” He kisses your cheek over to your lips.

You gasp at how much pleasure your feelings right now, “Fuck, fuck.”

He groans, “I’m not.. gonna be able to hold it much longer..”

You nod, pulling him down to kiss you again, and a few thrusts later, he pulls out and you feel him spill onto your stomach.

He rolls over, laying on his back as you both breathe heavy, taking in what just happened. You look over at him, “So that happened.” He smirks and nods, “Yeah, yeah it did.”

You laugh slightly and look around, “Sam, can you-“

“Already on it.” He gets up and walks into the bathroom. You hear his phone going off, “Sam. Your phone is going off.”

He walks out with a towel and looks at it quick, “Yeah it’s just Colby. I’ll call him back in a second.” He walks over to you, wiping you off and you sit up, just as your phone goes off, too.

“Now mines going off.” You laugh slightly and stand up, grabbing the robe off the door and slipping it on as you walk over to your purse.

You pull your phone out, “I have three missed calls from Lilly and two from Colby.” You look at Sam as he slips his shorts on, “That’s not good.”

You toss him his phone and you call Lilly while he calls Colby.

“About time you call me back.” Lilly says on the other end.

“Yeah, sorry Lilly. I was celebrating.” You laugh slightly.

“Did Colby tell Sam?” She asks and you shake your head slightly, confused, “Did Colby tell Sam what?” You ask looking at Sam again, and his eyes go wide, “um. I’m guessing whatever it is, he just found out.”

You put Lilly on speaker, “What is happening?”

Sam burst out laughing, “Oh fucking shit.” He looks at you and puts Colby on speaker. You set your phone down, “Can someone tell me what’s happening?”

“You guys are trending on twitter.” Colby and Lilly say at the same time and your eyes go wide, “Excuse me!?”

Colby laughs on the phone, “Yeah, um. Hashtag Sam Golbach Engagement is now the third most trending hashtag..”

You look up at Sam and he has his hand over his mouth, “I don’t.. I don’t even..” he shrugs and Lilly laughs, “You my dear are just one above him with hashtag y/n and Sam Engaged.”

“Shut the fuck up.” You laugh, unsure of what to do, “what do we do?”

Sam walks over, pulling you into him, “I don’t even.. I didn’t think..” he laughs, which makes you laugh, “Oh my god, Sam. This is unbelievable.”

You look at your phone, “Lilly. Why did you give me the idea for this!?”

“I didn’t think you’d actually ask him to pretend to be your fiancé!” She laughs and Colby chimes in, “Well, looks like we have a wedding to plan.”

.·:*¨ ✘ ¨*:·.

My apologies if this absolutely sucks, I feel like this isn’t my best work. but I hope you enjoyed it either way.

If you want one for Colby, you know what to do.

Likes and reblogs are appreciated!

Readers dresses - I like to give a visual sometimes

#sam and colby #sam and colby one shots #samandcolby-ownme #sam golbach #sam and colby smut #dirty one shot #smut #one shot smut #fluff #xplr fluff #sam golbach dirty one shots #sam golbach x you #sam Golbach fluff #fluff one shots #smut and fluff #sam golbach one shots #sam golbach x reader #sam golbach smut #smut writer #smut one shots #sam Golbach one shot fluff

[eclecticstarlightconnoisseur]

Paying It Forward

Good Evening all,

Ok, I know I haven’t posted the next chapter of Edinburgh to Boston. I am sorry about that. But it has been a pretty bad, horrible, no good end of the year for me. Hubby got sick again and I had to rush him to hospital. He needed heavy duty antibiotics.  He is now ok, but still very debilitated after his illness. Me? I have been taking care of him, going to work, and my characters have decided not to play nice with me. Hubs said I painted myself into a corner. Not exactly, I just haven’t figured out how to get them to do what I want them to do. And I am tired. Which is partially how this fic came about.  

I decided that I would start to read MOBY for two reasons. One, it has been some time since I read it and I am hoping that Bees will be out this year and I wanted to refresh my memory of what happened previously. Two, I was hoping it would help my writer’s block. It did but in an unexpected way. After getting to a certain point in the story, I went to sleep and dreamt the story you are about to read. It played in my head over and over, like it had to some out. So I wrote it and here it is.

Now that I said MOBY:  SPOILER ALERT!  SPOILER ALERT! If you haven’t read MOBY and don’t want to find out what’s going to happen, PLEASE DON’T READ THIS. The story actually draws on ABOSAA, ECHO, MOBY, and a tiny bit from the TV program.

As always I am indebted to @scubalass for her most excellent work as my beta. Also she contributed to the story which made it so much better. I’ll tell you at the end. I am also grateful to @gotham-ruaidh who told me it was different and good. And that I should go with it. The other important thing you need to know is it is written like one of Claire’s voice-over monologues. I know that people hate the monologues, but that’s how it was and I kept to it.

So I give you Paying It Forward. I hope you like it. 

The detritus of the woodland floor muffled the sounds of the Army advancing. Moldy leaves crackled and fragrant pine needles from fir trees helped to disguise their steps. But, it is not in the make-up of the military to travel quietly especially in the 18th century. Horses neighed and harness jingled. Goats bleated. Shot pouches and cartridge-boxes buckled to belts rattled and clinked  Wagons creaked under their heavy loads. Carriages groaned pulling the weighty cannon along. And, of course, there was Rollo, half-wolf, half-dog. The mongrel barked madly harassing man and beast alike as he weaved among them. The voice of my nephew, Ian Murray, called to the animal, “ Thig an seo cù .” Yipping with glee at the sound of his master’s voice, he raced to Ian’s side.  The sounds of infantry on the move certainly broke the peace of the coppice.

Our journey became hampered by the dense forest we traveled through. It was thick with trees, bushes, and bramble impeding the progress of the Continental Army as they marched toward Monmouth. Once there we were to muster with General George Washington and the other battalions.

Commanding this regiment is the newly ordained General James Fraser, my husband to whom I serve as company surgeon. I do admit it was quite a shock to first see him dressed in the full military regalia of a Continental Officer.  I began to tremble becoming a quivering mess when I first took him in wearing an officer’s dark blue and buff.

“Why does it always have to be you? Haven’t you, haven’t we given enough? Isn't it time for you to put down your sword and pistol?” I shuddered as I recalled the failed attempt by Charles Stewart to regain the Scottish crown which resulted in our twenty-year separation. The skirmish at Alamance that resulted in Murtagh’s death and the hanging of our son-in-law Roger which almost cost his life. The battle of Saratoga where I amputated one of Jamie’s fingers. Now, we were being pulled into another conflict. Was it too much to want to return to our simple life on the Ridge I wondered? But Jamie, my Jamie, is a highlander born and bred. A decent man, with strong principles and morals. He is a man of honor and that is not a small thing to be. I watched him as he sat at the head of the column, sitting straight and tall in his saddle like the true highland warrior he is. The breadth of his powerful back and shoulders would leave no doubt in anyone’s mind that he was born to lead, to command, to this moment in history. And command he would, braving the responsibility of leading his battalion to fight against the oppression of the British king.

Jamie knew the meaning of suffering, cruelty, and loss at the hands of the English. The loss of his home, his country, his own personal freedom came at their hands. And the loss of his family. He had quite the history with the Redcoats. Arrested for obstruction, escaping, then being recaptured. He ran afoul of a sadistic dragoon captain who had him flogged most cruelly one hundred lashes upon one hundred lashes. He escaped again and lived as an outlaw on the run instead of facing the gallows for a murder he did not commit.

Then there was Culloden. Where he, or should I say we lost everything. I was pregnant with our second child; our first child, a daughter, was stillborn. On the eve of battle, Jamie forced me to return to my own time for the safety of myself and our child. Jamie believed it would be his destiny to die in battle. Instead, he lived. Again he went into hiding for seven years living in a cave in Lallybroch. The Redcoats continued to harass his family, stealing what they wanted from the estate. They arrested Ian, Jamie’s brother-in-law as the Redcoats believed he knew of Jamie’s whereabouts. And there was the Highland Clearances which destroyed homes, Scottish culture, language, and their way of life.

Jamie was not driven to this war because of a need for revenge because of his losses, but rather he felt he was honor-bound as a father to take up his sword to protect those he loved. Even if those he loved lived centuries after him.

“Ye said that this was meant tae be Brianna’s home, her country, aye? Then I must do what I can for our daughter and her bairns. ‘Tis my duty as sire and grandsire to see that they will live free, Sassenach.”

And he would do what he must for Brianna, Jem, wee Mandy, and Roger. No matter the cost to himself.  

My mind completely focused on Jamie and our immediate future prevented me from noticing a tall man thin as a rail standing in the middle of the road blocking our progress. Immediately, Jamie’s second in command rode up next to his commander.

The man did not budge an inch. He was rather rough looking. Wearing a knitted cap on his head, his long greasy hair protruded out. A grizzled beard covered his face. His clothes were quite worn having been patched many times. He wore no shoes. In all, he looked quite primitive.

Suddenly, he moved with a decided determination; a man on a mission.  The man strode up to Jamie assuming correctly that he was the man in charge.

A strong downward breeze announced his presence. Most likely the man had not bathed in months if not years. The odor was enough to make your eyes water.

The old man came forward eyeing Jamie like an entomologist studying a new species of bug. Relaxing he gave a tug on his cap and briefly bobbed his head.

“Ye in charge here?” the old coot demanded.

‘Aye, I am. General James Fraser at yer service sir. Might I enquire to whom I am speaking?”

“Mortimer Hepplewhite the owner of this here land yer trespassing on. And I want tae know when ye will be gone.”

“Mr. Hepplewhite, we shall be off yer land as soon as may be. We need to travel off the main road for now as there have been sightings of English troops nearby.”

“Well, all yer clanging and stomping about is disturbing the peace of me home.”

Jamie turned around to look at the property. It had not been cleared for planting nor were there any animals grazing. All that stood in the distance was a ramshackle cabin with a lopsided chimney discharging an inordinate amount of smoke.

“I dinna see any crops, or animals grazing, or people that we might be disturbing, sir.”

“Not disturbing he says! Why I’ll have ye know me Arabella is in a right fit. She doesn’t care much for strangers.”

The recluse, a long-limb man, raised a heretofore unnoticed ball of fur and thrust it under Jamie’s nose. He focused on it intently causing his eyes to almost cross. It hissed, spit, and yowled with great ferocity.

It seemed that Arabella was a cantankerous cat. And was as ill-kempt as its master with matted fur and bald in spots. One fang hung outside its mouth and on closer inspection seemed to be missing an eye.

Mortimer drew the beast close to his chest whispering sweet words of comfort while tenderly stroking its scraggly fur. The cat settled in his arms and even began to purr.

Jamie called to his Lieutenant and leaned over to whisper in his ear. He nodded and rode off to follow his orders.

I sat on my horse watching this spectacle play out. Without warning, I felt the sudden loss of my cat and worried about his well-being. Adso was part house cat and part feral cat. However, he was my cat. He loved to jump onto my lap to snuggle and drift off to sleep. Or lie on the windowsill basking in a sunbeam tail swishing like a metronome. He did wreak havoc in my surgery at times but he was mine, a gift from Jamie. Adso was just as much a part of the family as any of us. So why couldn’t Arabella be this lonely man’s family?  Family is whoever you say they are.  

The Lieutenant promptly returned carrying a bundle which he handed to Jamie.

Jamie slid down from his horse and approached the gentleman.

“On behalf of the Continental Army, I would like tae offer ye recompense for disturbing yer peace. Please accept this small token from myself and General Washington. And for the lovely Miss Arabella, I make a gift of this fish just caught this morning.”

Jamie removed his hat and bowed to the man.

Mortimer truly wasn’t sure of what to make of this but graciously accepted the parcel. He removed his cap revealing a head of matted hair and returned the bow.  He replaced his cap, straightened his shoulders, held his head high as he strolled back to his home, a rich man. A man made richer not for what he received but for the respect given him.

Later that night as I lay in Jamie’s embrace I asked him what prompted his actions on the road.

“Do ye ken the conversation we had in the gardens in Philadelphia? The one about what happened between ye and his lordship?”

Did I remember, he wanted to know? How could I forget?

“Of course I remember, you said that you would mention it from time to time.  Am I to take it that this will be one of those times?”

“Aye, ‘tis. But not what yer thinking about,” he said with a sidelong look. “I’m speaking of how John’s friendship healed us during times of great need. Mine at Ardsmuir, Hellwater, and Jamaica. Yer’s when ye thought I died.” The topic of my hasty marriage to John (for strictly political reasons) was still a sore point to him. He understood it, but didn’t and wouldn’t like it.  

Jamie let out a sigh trying to collect himself before continuing, “Mortimer was naught but a poor lonely old man, Sassenach. And I did not do much for him. I gave him a wee bit of flour, lard, dried meat, apples, and some parritch.” Jamie stopped to think for a moment, “Oh, a razor, a lump of soap, and a fish for his mangy cat.”

“Are you saying that you did this because of the kindnesses John showed us?”

“Exactly so, mo ghràdh . I felt..it just felt like the right thing tae do.”

I raised my face to look at him, “There’s a term for that and it's called paying it forward .”

He looked quizzically at me trying to understand what I meant.

“What that means is when someone does something kind or helpful for you, you return that kindness to a different person instead of repaying the person who originally helped you. Did you know that the man who started this idea is alive now?”  

“Och, aye? Who is he Sassenach?”

“Benjamin Franklin. I think you would like him. He was a founding Father, freemason, inventor, scientist, and a printer.”

His eyebrows lifted at the mention of Franklin being a printer and a freemason. “I should like to meet this man one day. “

Jamie grew quiet as he attempted to digest this information. “Paying it forward,” he rolled the words around in his mouth tasting them. “Aye, that’s it. Just so, I was paying it forward.”

“Jamie, I think what you did was far greater than repaying a kindness. I think you gave him something more than he ever expected. You gave him respect and a way to restore his dignity.”

He leaned over and kissed me, “Aye, Sassenach, respect is something every man or woman deserves.” Jamie stopped to think for a moment, “No man wants to go about stinking if he can help it.” I knew he was thinking of his time hiding in the cave and as a prisoner at Ardsmuir. “There were days I thought I would never get the stink off my body, dirt from under my nails, or be rid of the lice. ‘Twas a small thing but it may make a big difference to him. Maybe it will help to restore his self-regard.”

The following day we resumed our journey. Once again a man stood in the road again blocking our path. There was something vaguely familiar about him. It was Mortimer, now clean-shaven, clothes washed having removed several layers of filth, and much less fragrant. He carried a pack strapped to his back probably containing all his worldly possessions. Strangely he carried a beautiful and well-maintained musket in his hand.

He approached Jamie, removed his cap, and bowed deeply.

“Yer Excellency, I have decided tae travel with ye fer a while. If ye dinna mind.”

“Yer presence is welcome, Mr. Hepplewhite. Find yerself a place among the men. This evening please come by tae see my wife. She is the physician of our troop. She will see tae yer physicking needs should ye have any.”

“I thank ye, sir.” Mortimer replaced his cap, lowered his head, and took a position among the rank-and-file.

Jamie smiled, a pleased look playing across his face. His arm raised and he waved us forward.

As the men resumed their march, a wee black puff ball of fur stuck its head out of Mortimer’s bag evidently Arabella had a wash-up too.

                                                  ********************

Thig an seo cù - Come here dog.

If anyone wants to know, Jamie’s white stallion’s name was Samson. And he sneezed violently when he sniffed Mortimer.

A little bit of history here. Benjamin Franklin lent Benjamin Webb a sum of money to start a business. He told Webb that when his business was successful and he had paid all his debts, he should likewise help someone else like Franklin helped him. In return, that gentleman would have to assist someone else like Webb helped him. Franklin hoped this would continue until some knave would stop its progress. The idea of paying it forward was born.

We can all thank @scubalass for telling me about Ben Franklin and Paying It Forward.  She is truly an amazing person and a fount of information and wisdom. I think that this added so much to the story and found it quite interesting.

Thank you for reading. I hope you liked it.

It is also on AO3 where I am LadyJane518:   https://archiveofourown.org/works/28907349

#paying it forward #moby #jamie and claire #Mortimer Hepplewhite #revolutionary war #arabella the cat #ol fanfic #My writing #Here Goes Nothing #good to flex the writing muscles

[juminsmysticmc]

hello! i love your mm imagines, so..., i wanted to ask you of you souls write how MC honeymoon (and/or wedding) would be with rfa + saeran, v AMD vanderwood. ps. have a nice day whenever you read this ps2. sorry if something i says sound weird but english is not my first language.

RFA + Minor Trio with Mc on their Honeymoon 

Hello, thank you for your love! And please don’t worry! I understood everything you said! By the way, my first language isn’t English either, haha.

Do I even have one?

Okay, like, my parents are Italian, I grew up in Germany and I am learning Japanese and I know English...but none of these languages are perfect...ahahaha….

Okay, enjoy and please tell me your opinion, okay?

Jumin

Your head laid on your husband’s shoulder why you shut close your eyes and entangled his hand with yours.

,,Are you nervous?’’ he asked you and kissed your forehead.

,,No, with you by my side I am okay,’’ you told him as his private Jet flew up in the air.

Both of you just said ,,Yes,’’ to each other in front of God and now both of you were on your way to Europe for your honeymoon.

,,I love you, thank you for making this day so special for me,’’ you honestly told him and began to open your mouth wide to get rid of the pressure on your ears. 

,,Hahaha...this and more, my love,’’ he confessed.

You slept for a few hours and then finally landed in Italy, your first destination.

Rome was a beautiful place.

The night view was making you breathless even though you were sleepy.

,,Let’s get a good rest and enjoy everything tomorrow,’’ he told you.

That’s exactly what you did.

You slept for eight hours straight and woke up for the most beautiful brunch in your little house.

The air in Italy was totally different, the coffee smell and the sound of the Vespa made you feel special. 

The little Italian grandmas saying something to each other and the little streets taking you to the most hidden and romantic places.

The honeymoon with Jumin was something special and time seemed to go over like a nice evening between friends: too quickly.

You went up to Austria and Germany, enjoying the time in the capitals and listen to the story about the world wars.

,,I want to see Denmark again Jumin!’’ you said on your way back to Korea.

Maybe you should stop expressing your wishes so easily for Jaehee’s sake, three weeks later you were in Denmark again and she was overworked with Jumin’s work too.

Zen

,,Are you sad?’’ you asked him on your way to the Airport in the Taxi, stroking his arm.

,,No, why? I am here with you and married you, my wife...my beautiful wife,’’ he whispered and kissed you, expressing all his love for you with that simple kiss.

,,Why should I be sad?’’ he laughed and stroked your cheek.

,,Because I am here but I can’t replace your family...they didn’t come…’’ you whispered.

You felt bad for him as if it was your fault.

,,You are my family now. I made you wait long enough till this day, okay? Just be happy, yes? I love you a lot,’’ he told you.

You decided to trust him and ignored this on your way to Jeju.

,,Are we really supposed to wear them?’’ you asked your husband, Zen.

It was so weird saying husband now after you said fiancé for such a long time…

But the time finally came true.

,,Yes, we are finally Mr. and Mrs. Ryu, everyone should know now, sleep a bit, it’s good for your eyes and-’’

,,Okay, hubby!’’ you stopped him and took the eye mask out of his hand, putting on the mask and closing your eyes, hand in hand with your husband.

Zen and you finally arrived in Jeju and took a bus back to the Pension you would stay.

,,The house is so cute!’’ you exclaimed as you looked around, throwing yourself in the soft bed and inhaling the fresh scent.

Both of you enjoyed the place.

You looked at the sunset together, ate outside talking over and over again about your wedding, the past, and your future.

Even though Zen hated it, you two went into the sea and enjoyed the salty water, attiring a lot of eyes on your beautiful skin.

You guys also had a lot of memorable nights together.

The days in Jeju were so beautiful and after the Fire Festival, you two realized that it was really time to go back to Seoul.

But you promised each other to never ever forget the amazing time you had there and really go back there.

Yoosung

,,Woah, I knew that Japan is beautiful, but I never realized that Japan was actually that amazing!’’ you gasped when you and Yoosung were seated below a cherry blossom tree, looking up to the pink colors over your head.

Yoosung chuckled as he put a Mochi in his mouth.

The Honeymoon with Yoosung was romantic and cute.

Hand in hand you walked along the sea, the moon reflecting itself in the water.

,,The moon, so beautiful tonight,’’ Yoosung whispered.

,,You know,’’ you gasped and turned to your husband.

,,In Japan, you say that the moon is beautiful when you love someone.

,,I know,’’ Yoosung nodded and kissed you, placing his hand behind your neck, stroking your soft skin and pushing aside your hair.

The kiss was so passionate, the only light the both of you had was the moon behind you, illuminating this wonderful, romantic night.

And that night both of you loved each other for the very first time.

The next day you felt as if you were on a very high cloud.

Love was written all over your face but you didn’t just enjoy the romantic time but also had a lot of fun in the arcade, watched a lot of Anime, went to events and meat a lot of new people.

Japan was crazy, beautiful crazy.

Just like your young love.

Jaehee

,,Let’s go there for our Honeymoon,’’ you giggled after Seven acted as if he was your priest.

Marriage between two people with the same sex still wasn’t legal in Korea but it was Okay.

You and Jaehee were deeply in love, living together and happy.

And with that, you had everything you needed.

As long as you had each other nothing and none could tear you apart.

,,Ethiopia, are you sure?’’ Jaehee laughed as you nodded strongly.

,,That’s where coffee comes from!’’ you told her pretty excited, making her happy too.

,,So you know?’’

A few days later both of you were on your way for that amazing Honeymoon you waited for.

This experience would be special for the both of you.

The flight was a bit scary but Jaehee held your hand the whole time and even though you were in a to you unknown country, Jaehee managed to make everything work out.

The little hut was cute and enough for the both of you.

For the past days, both of you walked with natives through the place, looking at your surroundings.

And then the really amazing view started: the production of the coffee you guys loved so much.

You could finally watch them, every step was implanted in your head as Jaehee began to take pictures to frame them in your shop.

And while she observed you, laughing with them and helping them with their work, Jaehee realized that she found real love.

That finding you was fate.

That she was happy.

Saeyoung

,,A honeymoon is usually just between the bride and the broom,’’ you told him as you looked around you.

Well, you weren’t the only one who was uncomfortable and pissed.

Zen and Jaehee felt the same.

Yoosung even felt sorry for you.

The only ones who somehow didn’t care or notice the mood were Saeran and Jumin.

And of course Saeyoung himself, the one who was responsible for this mess.

,,I thought that a family vacancy could be fun!’’ he laughed and teased you, kissing you and stroking your skin.

You sighed.

Now you just had to think more about the good things.

And indeed, just a few hours later you were having fun with all of them, even though you wanted to be alone at first.

The second day for your honeymoon Saeyoung prepared a surprise at the beach, the table elaborated, the sunset behind you, and a romantic melody in the background.

,,This is perfect, Saeyoung,’’ you giggled.

,,I didn’t think that you were capable of this,’’ you confessed.

,,Well, they all supported me. I just thought that I had to invite them. They are like family, for you and for me. And I will make this unforgettable for you,’’ he confessed.

Saeran

You and Saeran wanted to get married earlier but since he couldn’t find any rest without first finding his brother, you had to stay patient.

And now both of you were off, Saeyoung behind you, waving and yelling through the whole airport, to come back with a baby and- it was pretty embarrassing what he was yelling.

,,I should have left him there where I found him,’’ Saeran hissed, however with a smile on his lips.

The two of you were on your way to America, something you wanted to see for a long time by now.

Jumin, who asked Saeran and Saeyoung to work for him after everything was settled, gave him a week off and three more moths to take a rest.

To you, it somehow gave you the feeling as if Jumin was trying to make up for Jihyun’s mistakes.

But you didn’t want to think about that now on your honeymoon.

The both of you slept a lot while flying with the airplane and were then off in New York to enjoy the time there.

But your goal was Florida, to the Walt Disney World Resort.

But first, you just had to visit NY, see Little Italy and all those surprises the big city had for you.

And afterward, you moved on, stopping in a few cities to look at how they lived. 

It was amazing.

Your hotel seemed like a fairy tale, the stuff there was just beautiful and the Cosplayer was just so realistic.

,,This is with Mickey,’’ you showed Jaehee on a picture back in Korea.

,,And here,’’ you began to laugh, ,,this is after a ride on the merry go, Saeran was crying because he felt sick and so Cinderella approached him and he was so shocked!’’ you kept laughing.

,,She’s making fun of you,’’ Saeyoung said and laughed, while Saeran looked totally in love with you.

,,She’s allowed to, she’s my wife,’’

Jihyun

The Honeymoon of the both of you actually ended a week ago but Jihyun had some work to do and so you took a week off more.

It actually felt even better.

You currently sat on the balcony in Paris, the Eiffel Tower in your view, while you were holding a glass wine between your fingers.

Jihyun was on the phone with a sponsor who wanted to have an exhibition.

And it was totally okay for you that he was on the phone since he gave his best to not work the week before on your honeymoon.

,,I am back,’’ he told you and kissed you on your head.

,,So, should we take a walk?’’ he asked you and was ready to take your hand.

,,Mhm, with you I would like to even walk to the end of the world,’’ you laughed and got up.

The fresh air of Paris made you feel relaxed.

The yummy smell of fresh-baked Baguettes...

,,Would you like to live here?’’ Jihyun asked you.

,,Mh, I think it’s beautiful here. I love it, I love everything. But I think this beauty would fade away if I would live here,’’ you told him.

,,My wife always knows the perfect answers, let’s go home soon, to our home…’’

Vanderwood

The both of you decided on not doing something expensive but just enjoy the warmth of the both of you.

Your husband rented a house in the forest.

The next shop was three hours away and so you needed to make your food yourself.

,,Here we can drink the fresh water and we can fish ourselves!’’ you excited said.

You weren’t even on your phones so much.

You just had time for yourselves, cuddling a lot, kissing a lot, and sleeping in together.

Looking at the stars in the night together, listening to the nature.

Vanderwood and you experienced a fresh married life and you enjoyed it.

You also talked a lot about your wedding.

Since you didn’t have a family and Vanderwood was alone too, you only had the RFA around you and it was the best decision.

Throwing your bouquet, the food, the dance.

,,Everything was so perfect,’’ you whispered and kissed his cheek while he fell asleep on you.

,,Everything is still perfect,’’ you chuckled and closed your eyes too.

MASTERLIST 1

MASTERLIST 2

MASTERLIST 3

07.06.2020// 22:19 MEST

#jumin han #jumin x reader #jumin x mc #zen hyun ryu #hyun ryu #zen x mc #zen x reader #yoosung kim #yoosung x reader #yoosung x mc #jaehee kang #jaehee x mc #jaehee x reader #707 x mc #707 x reader #seven x mc #seven x reader #luciel choi #luciel x reader #luciel x mc #saeyoung choi #saeyoung x mc #saeyoung x reader #saeran x mc #saeran x reader #jihyun kim #jihyun x mc #jihyun x reader #vanderwood x mc #vanderwood x reader

[lokilickedme]

Submitted by @fudgemuffinanon

Ok I think I’m up to date….

1. HOLY SHIT WOMAN! You had Covid and just learned about it? How did you find out? Was it with a test? And you handled the asshat at the grocery store way better than I would have. I’m not patient, nor diplomatic, and I have major RBF syndrome… The temper goes with the face more ofter than I care to admit…

2. Your grandmother’s story was incredible. I know you don’t need another project but this could be a beautiful book. No fandom incorporated, just her story.

3. As @mollage said, the Universe is after you! But you may be one of the strongest woman I know, going through all your adventures with that attitude. Thank you Elizabeth for passing down your fiery spirit!

4. With everything that happened to you in the last few weeks, I can’t expect you to write anything. I’ll just wait and take what you give us. Fuck, I just have to deal with Baby Girl’s online school - Big Boy is responsible enough to deal with his class mostly alone - and I have to tell her to go back to the computer every 5 minutes and I’m going NUTS! And we have one more month to go…

Ontario has been in stay-at-home order since April 8th, and non-essential stores MAY reopen mid-June at 15% capacity and outdoor activities in small groups MAY resume IF we have 60% of population vaccinated with their first dose. We’re about 58% now according to Health Minister but they stopped giving Aztra as first dose, so all the pharmacies that could give it now can’t. There’s a lot less Pfizer and Moderna doses available so I don’t know how fast it will happen. But it means I will most likely get my second dose quicker than August. Yay me! Second phase won’t happen until we get 70% 1st dose vaccination. So we’re stuck for a while. We’re going out in the woods for walks once in a while so we don’t get too close to people but I want to go to a fabric store sooooo bad!! I’m done picking ticks off hubby everytime we get out.  And I’m running out of crafts to learn on youtube. 

Ok, enough ranting…  gotta go finish knitting Baby girl’s bday gift. A 6" turtle. With clothes. And a shawl. And boots. Yeah… Love ya!

*******************************************************

Fudgey!!

Yup. All four of us had covid back in November of 2019, before it broke wide and before anyone really knew it was in the US. Husband was able to track it back to a coworker who’d returned from a family visit to China (he works with a large community of Asian Americans who travel back and forth a lot). The coworker came home sick, and shortly after that our household got the worst “flu” any of us have ever had (that was what we thought it was, a weirdly violent flu that hit each of us differently). I’ve never been sicker in my life, my husband thought I was going to die and he claims I told him to just let me go if it looked like I wasn’t going to make it. I’m pretty sure I meant it…it was that bad. I may have actually requested an assist to the other side at one point.

So anyway, a little while later it broke wide and when the symptom lists started coming out we started wondering if that wasn’t what we’d had. Husband finally a few weeks ago went and talked to the guy that had come back sick from overseas and the guy said “Oh yeah, I had the covid, did you get it too?”

By that time there had been approximately 150 known cases at husband’s workplace and six confirmed deaths from it. Grrrr.

At this point it was too late for us to get confirmed, but husband contacted a friend in Colorado who is a covid specialty ER nurse and described our symptoms and the timeframe of our illness to her. She said we absolutely had it - she’d had it too during that same timeframe, before it broke wide and before anyone knew what it was.

So now all my lingering weird-ass symptoms make sense. Big and Little are fine, they don’t seem to have any long-term problems, though I’m keeping an eye on them (especially Big). Husband is fine as well. Me? I took it in the seat of the pants, but like I was telling someone the other day, as soon as one of the longhaul clinics sets up here I’m gonna be there.

The putz in the grocery store was nothing unusual for here. What really gets me is the way people glare at us for continuing to wear masks - it’s almost scary. WTF is wrong with people.

Glad you liked my grandma’s story. Honestly I don’t know enough to write a book about her without having to speculate on a lot of in-between stuff because she was a very secretive person (probably for a good reason tbh) but what a tale it would be. She was a mess :D My mother has always been mad at me for taking after her - she never liked my grandmother much, there was some bad blood between them from decades back, and yeah that’s kind of a good story too lol

Ah, speaking of writing, I’m going to toss out a short chap of that silly self indulgent side-thing for The Department tonight (probably as soon as I send this reply off) and then I’m shooting for a chapter of the actual fic tomorrow at some point. Taking advantage of the husbandary absence (yes I know that’s not a word but it works)

I feel ya on the homeschooling - the boys finished their semester two weeks ago and the stress of that final week for Big (9th grade) was insane.

I wish we were under a stay-at-home order, but where I live hardly anyone obeyed it when we WERE. I love living here but I swear sometimes the people make me want to move off-planet just to find a higher intelligence demographic.

Anyway, I gotta see this turtle when you’re finished with it. You mentioned it so now you gotta show it. I’m going to bug you every day until you provide pictures because even though I can crochet a blanket like nobody’s business I cannot crochet a doll to save my own ass. Gonna have to rely on you for that ;P

@fudgemuffinanon

[yamithediaperdork]

My Cousin is CRAZY! (Ben10 alien force)

My cousin is crazy

It was Saturday morning in Bellwood and 15 year old Ben Tennyson was slowly waking up to the smell of bacon and eggs. It was strange because his parents were on a vegan kick at the moment but he decided to roll with it and opened his eyes as he went to sit up. And then groaned out loud as he took in stock of his attire and what he was sleeping in. Not for the first time since Gwen had started working out hardcore last year the girlish Ben had found his cousin perv'ing on him and deciding he should be her sissy baby wife. Despite making his lack of interest in such plans clear MORE then once, It hadn't of stopped Gwen from snagging him up at random times and dressing him up. Case and point, he was currently in what he estimated as 5 princess reaz's diapers (he'd sadly become familiar with the different brands because of Gwen) and a dark pink top with lighter pink puffed out shoulders and a semi skirt that didn't even cover half of the diapers. The top also had a red heart on the front with white writing in cursive declaring 'i wove my mommy' going along with the top and diapers his hands were in locking mittens meaning any attempt to use the omnitrix was doomed to fail and his feet covered in booties with slick bottoms so Ben would end up having to crawl unless he wanted to fall on his ass every 12 steps. 'At least she didn't put the paci in my mouth this time.' Ben thought with a sulky though a pat on his head told him she had put the silly over sized bow in his hair again, the damn thing pink with white poka dots. As for what he was in, again this wasn't a shock to him as it wasn't the first time but he was still less then pleased to have gone to sleep in his own bed in a pair of boxers and wake up in the hot pink crib Gwen had built just for him during her wood shop class. And of course since she wasn't shy of telling people who it was for Ben had been forced to endure even more teasing at school though ironically just verbal, no bullies had darned to lay a finger on him and have to deal with Gwen's almost super human power and bulk. The last bully who had tried had been found hanging from a flag pole by a pair of Barbie pants. Struggling to get to his feet on the purple sheet covered queen sized mattress and ignoring the fuzzy white and pink blanket and pillows in the crib with him (not to mention a dolly or too) Ben took in a deep breath and then hollered at the opened door frame of Gwen's room. "GWEN YOU SICK BITCH! YOU'VE BEEN TOLD TO STOP KIDNAPPING ME AND DRESSING ME IN DRAG AND HUGGIES! COME IN HERE AND LET ME OUT OF THIS OUTFIT BEFORE I GET YOU IN SHIT WITH YOURS AND MINE PARENTS AND GRANDPA MAX TOO!" It was the only threat that normally worked as while they're parents thought it was mostly cute, they all agreed that Gwen kidnapping Ben crossed a line. other then that though it was fair game if he was out of the house. Grandpa Max was nicer about it in Ben's view as he made the rust bucket a official safe zone that even Gwen respected and so Ben found himself hanging out less with Gwen and Kevin and more with Gramps. Kevin for his part was all too happy to stay out of it, treating the whole thing as a bullet dodged when him and Gwen had never hit it off and a better Ben then him. Ben didn't have to wait long as he swore he could almost feel the food steps of Gwen as she made her way towards the room.

Between the insane amount of weights she worked and the reps she put into and a unexpected growth spurt Gwen looked like she could of been a WWE at her 6'10 height and 320 pounds of mostly muscle. She kept her Orange hair short and was wearing a pair of grey jogging pants and white under shirt that showed off her girl abs. "Awww is my darling widdle wife to be awake?" She coo'ed, cupping her hands together and flashing Ben a big smile. "Gwen, for the LAST time, I'm not going to marry you. I'm not going to be your sissy baby, now PLEASE let me go. I'm not joking, I'll call Grandpa Max over and get you in SO much trouble." Ben huffed, trying to look intimidating but his outfit made that all but impossible. "Awww such a silly widdle gurl! Did widdle Benny forget that this is our parents couples retreat weekend? And gramp's is off on Plumber work! That means I got widdle Benny to myself allll weekend." Gwen gushed and came over, lifting him out of the crib with ease and holding him up so she could give his padded rump a sniff. "Ah crap baskets..That was THIS weekend?" Ben whined, not even bothering to point out he would of said something if he had used the diapers. He'd tried to make plans to hang out with cooper for that weekend but had clearly gotten his dates wrong and was capital S screwed for the next 48 hours. "Hmm Doesn't smell like Benny has made me a present yet..but I know you will soon enough. you just love to make presents for your hubby don't you?" Gwen coo'ed and moved him down enough she could give him a Eskimo kiss. "Oh yeah. highlight of my weekend, fudging a diaper." Ben said sarcastically. "Now now, I know you're just grumpy because you didn't get to play with me last night, but I had to take care of a few things. But we have allll weekend sweetie. And if you promise to be a good little gurl for me I'll be nice and spoil you with all the junk food you want. After all you need to put on some baby fat." Gwen chuckled and kissed his cheek. Ben groaned, Gwen was always trying to chub him up, but given the fact he'd been subjected to the 'wonder's' of a baby food and formula weekend before, and the fact he was trapped regardless he just hung his head. "Fine, I'll play along. but for the record, you need help." Ben huffed. "Oh please, I can handle my widdle wife for a weekend!" Gwen chuckled and carried Ben off towards the kitchen.

Strapped into a wooden but painted light pink high chair, Ben played along with his crazy cousin and held up his arms so she could remove his top and replace it with a hello kitty bib. "Now Benny, if I remove your mitten's and let you feed yourself, you're not gonna do something stupid and try and use your silly little watch now are you?" Gwen asked. Considering between her bulk and her magic Gwen out classed most of Ben's aliens anyways and she always made sure he was sorry for trying to go alien on her after he timed out, Ben decided that having the freedom to feed himself was worth playing along. "Yeah I'll be good.." Ben said and held up his hands. She studied his face for a second, as if deciding whether or not to trust him then smiled. "I believe you. I really hope we can have a nice weekend together and I don't end up having to spank you. it hurts me then it does you when I have to." Gwen said then moved to free up Ben's hands. 'Bullshit on that one!' Ben thought but wisely kept his thoughts to himself and just flexed his fingers, and looked at the watch. "I'm not going alien, I'm just checking to make sure no alien got primed to go while the mitten on so I don't accidentally go alien and get my cheeks tanned." He said, and then after getting a smirk and a nod from Gwen checked the watch. Thankfully nothing was primed and he made sure to show the psycho and then wiggled in the high chair as he waited on her to plate up some num nums for him. Everything else aside, Gwen really was a excellent cook and she didn't hold back as she put the piled high plate of scrambled eggs and Bacon and some pancakes down in front of Ben and handed him a baby fork and knife. She had also poured on the maple syrup and set down a one liter baby bottle full of chocolate milk for him and kissed his cheek. "Eat up little lady.Oh, did you want me to put a show or something on for you while you eat up? I think Sumo slammers is having a marathon on channel 6 today." Gwen asked, nodding to the Kitchen TV her mom had had put in back during the 90's. "..That would be agreeable yes." Ben said, trying not to break out into a silly grin before he started to dig into the food, watching as Gwen was proven right. 'you know.. the huggies and drag aside, I could get used to being spoiled like this.' Ben thought.

Gwen smirked as she watched Ben chow down and kick his legs ideally in the high chair. while she would of preferred he watch something a little less violent she had changed up her usual plan for weekend sessions with her soon to be sissy bride. Trying to enforce the baby food and sissy programs only made him fight it more so she was gonna meet him halfway and try to ease him more into baby gurlhood. One added bonus though she noticed with a big grin while she had her normal bowl of high protein gruel was that Ben was even more of a messy eater then normal as he watched his show, getting syrup all over his face and bib and eggs and bits of bacon were all over the place. 'He's such a big baby! I love it!' She mentally squealed. It only got better as halfway though his plate, he reached for his his ba-ba and held it with BOTH hands like a good baby gurl and she was fighting the urge to squeal out loud. Anytime she tended to praise him for his babyish behavior he always tried to cut it out. Finishing her gruel she washed it down with a protein drink and noted that Ben was squirming around lots in his high chair, with most of his food gone and the little sissy had packed away HALF of his milk already. "Doing alright over there baby gurl?" She asked. Ben seemed to snap out of his show induced trance and blushed. "I uh..I gonna potty..and I think I got a gas bubble stuck." He said, poking two fingers together. '..Is he asking me to burp him?' Gwen wondered but was ALL grin's "Well that's no good! here, let me help you out. whats a little gas between husband and wife?" She said. Coming over she grabbed a dish towel and a wet dish rag, putting the towel over one shoulder and then moved Ben's num num's and ba-ba over onto the kitchen table and removed his bib. washing the big baby's face and chest down she removed the tray and lifted him up, swooning as his legs wrapped around her and he helped her get his head over the towel. Rubbing his back she gave it all of three firm but gentle pats before Ben let out a massive belch over her shoulder and spit up a little bit of milk. "Uh...T-Thanks Gwen." A sheepish Ben half coo'ed and then switched shoulders and nuzzled into her. "Do you want me to set you down so you can go and hide while you make potty?" She offered, clearly trying to meet him half way was working wonders. "I..I Uh..no." Ben Mewed into her shoulder, which of course muffled his voice but she got the jest of it. "You wanna use your diapers while your bride to be holds you tight and praises you for being a good girl?" Gwen asked, grinning ear to ear and holding Ben close and rubbing his lower back. "I..I dunno..Maybe..I mean..If I can't use the potty..I guess it's.." Ben Mumbled into her shoulder, She could tell he'd of rather used the bathroom, which was a touch disappointing to her but still, with him willing to go in his pampers while she held him being his second choice that meant she was making headwind. "Do you wanna keep your face in my big strong shoulder or be turned around facing away from my?" She asked, then leaned down and kissed his neck, knowing from Julie (who had dumped Ben mostly because she shipped the pair) just how much he loved having his neck kissed and nibbled on. Case and point Ben didn't even really reply, just snuggled into her harder. Taking that as a answer Gwen made her way over to a kitchen chair and took a seat, Ben's legs on either side of her lap and his arms hugging her, while one of her strong hands rubbed and patted his pampered bottom. Her other hand was rubbing and pressing on certain spots on Ben's back and it didn't take loud before her efforts were rewarded as a muffled poot came out his backside, then anther and anther and she could feel him starting to push and grunt. "That's it baby gurl, let it all out. make me a nice big present." Gwen coo'ed sweetly in his ear and follow up with giving him a gentle start of a hickey on his neck as he began to fill his pretty pink diapers. "G-Gwen! Dun! N-Not while I'm pooping!" Ben meekly whimpered, though he tilted his head in such a fashion that he was offering her a even better shot at his neck. "Heh, Somebodies gonna be a tsundere diaper sissy for me huh? That's ok. I think it's adorable." Gwen chuckled, feeling the lumps of Ben's 'present' to her fill up the back of his diapers and mentally giving thanks to whatever mage had made the spell that allowed her to only smell strawberries in cream as Ben loaded his huggies. 'Maybe if he's a good gurl at our wedding, on our honeymoon I'll cast it on him too.' Gwen thought. Food for thought later, She had a good little gurl dumping his guts in his pampers for her and whimpering for his reward and as such, she leaned down and started to gently nibble and suck away on Ben's neck, smirking as the little sissy let out a soft "I love you.." as she did so.

The end

[skinreflectsthesun]

howd you know hubbie was the one to marry? if your comfortable talking about him on here

this will sound really cheesy so you’ve been warned, I wanted to give this a thoughtful response. So we first started dating in college and he usually came over after class on Fridays, but he went to school 2 hours away from where I went to school so it was quite out of his way, anyway I got sick on Thursday night and I told him he didn’t have to come because I wasn’t feeling well, and at first he understood and said we could hang out some other time and then at around 10 pm he calls me and says he’s on his way and will be there in 2 hours, and he showed up and took care of me while I was sick, and I had honestly never had anyone go out of their way for me like that. I’m sure other people will disagree, they had their one defining moment where they knew their partner was the one but I’ve always been guarded when it comes to love and relationships, and my perspective has always been really cautious I’m always waiting for the other person to dip or for the climactic downfall, something I’ve been working on personally. So I think that there’s never one moment where you know this person is theeee one, we’re all human we’re not perfect but the little moments for me were not so little after all, and I knew I loved him and wanted him in my life and that I would be there for him in any way that I could just like he does for me every day.

#personal #this was quite long sorryyyy

[italian-pastry]

Rambling about the Family Tree

Here’s the Family Tree!

And under the cut is all my rambling about designs or whatever! (this ended up not being about designs too much. Hm)

OK WE NEED TO BE ORGANIZED HERE I’ll be going generation by generation, from left to right. Everyone will be here, just for organization sake. Of course, some people are more important than others, so be warned for long rambles (in generation 2 especially) OK LET’S GO

Generation 1: Iida Parents: Idk man. They don’t even have designs. They’re probably cool Enji: He doesn’t deserve to be drawn well :) That and he doesn’t deserve to meet his grandkids :)) Rei: She deserves to be pretty and be a cool grandma. Her grandkids adore her. Hisashi: This mans is kinda wildin’ in my universe. Whatever he’s up to, it’s not being Inko’s husband. Inko: Soft grandma!!!!! We love her and she loves her grandkids and husband. Toshinori: He deserves to retire and settle down and be happy with his family and be adored by his gandkids. Emiko’s Father: He and Yukie got married (and Yukie got pregnant with Emiko) almost right out of highschool. He expected Yukie to give up her career to care for Emiko, but that didn’t gel with Yukie, so she divorced him when Emiko was little. Idk where he is now. Yukie: We love her. I love her. She’s super sweet and super cool and super short and that’s all you need to know. She also looks a lot like Eijirou (or, at least I tried to make them look similar) Crimson Riot: I subscribe to the Dad-Crimson theory, so here we are. After Emiko started elementary school, Yukie tried to get her career back together, but after meeting and having a thing with Crimson Riot and getting pregnant with Eijirou, she gave it up to be able to care for her kids. Nadie: An American journalist who moved to Japan for work! She and Yukie met and got married when Eijirou was 9-10. She has 3 kids from her previous marriage (that ended in disaster). Christopher Skyline: (Yes, THE Christopher “Captain Celebrity” Skyline. We’re just ignoring the Vigilantes canon over here.) Nadie’s ex-husband and the father of Hanae, Etsuko, and Suzume. He was a serial cheater, and the kids was a desperate attempt made by Nadie to try to make him stick around. Sperm Donor: Just a sperm donor. Mitsuki: Still looks SUPER young. She doesn’t like it when her grandkids call her “Grandma” or anything like that because it makes her feel old. Masaru: Loves being called “Grandpa” or whatever by his grandkids. He loves them, and likes to visit them a lot. Mika: Still quiet and chill. We love her. Kyotoku: Still loud and fun. He’s a cool dude, and he got them smile lines Beru: Her head is weird. I’m sorry queen, but it freaked me out. Ganma: He freaked me out even more. He was my least favorite to draw. Sorry bro. Uraraka’s Parents: Her dad reminds me of my dad (vaguely). They don’t have names, but they’re cool. Also, Ochako was able to get them a nice house, so good for them. Shouta: Just go look at @nartothelar‘s Silver Fox AU that was my main inspiration. He a grumpy old man who only likes his kids and grandkids and family. Hizashi: Same thing as Shouto. I like to think that all of his hair has grayed, so his hair is like Platinum Blond now.

Ok! Gen 1 done, and it was mostly me rambling about Eijirou’s parents. Maybe one day I’ll dedicate a post to them.

Generation 2: Tenya: I had him grow his hair out because 1.) I thought it was cute and 2.) it represents him loosening up a lil’ after school. He wears contacts during Hero Work, but wears his glasses casually. Tensei: Literally just the same dude. He’s Tensei and he’s chill and he’s cool. Dabi: I gave him an eyebrow piercing and a fun new cut. (Fun fact: That’s his Fantasy AU fairstyle) Fuyumi: I hope her hair looks very Teacher-y and Motherly. I think she looks super cute. Natsuo: A simple dude. He finds a cut that works and sticks with it. Although I did give him sideburns and a lil’ touch of beard. Shouta: Instead of shaving his red side, he combs the white side over it. Also, I hc that in his left eye, he’s half blind. Izuku: Yikes. He got the wound early in his hero career. He went blind in his right eye, so he and Shouta together are like 1 and 1/4 blind. Emiko: Eijirou’s older half sister. I would say she’s Girlboss and Natsuo is Malewife, and I think that’s accurate - even if only a little. She’s a social service worker, and met Natsuo in college. I had an old design before, but I like this one A LOT more Eijirou: I am a simp for long hair Eijirou, so here we are. ALSO freckles!!!! I love freckley eijirou. Also stubly beard and cool new scar. He is very dad. Hanae: The chill little sister. Probably a lawyer or professor or something smart like that. Etsuko: The crazy sister. She works in the hero field! If as hero support or as an actual pro, idk yet! Suzume: The ex-crybaby sister. She’s prolly doing something fun and artsy. Also, HUGE demigirl vibes Kane: The energetic little brother! He has most certainly gone pro, since he’s like very early 20s now. Fun Fact!: He was 6 when Mieko was born, so a lot of people thought they were siblings. It only got worse when Akio rolled around. Katsuki: hehe Undercut Bakugou. Also, hearing aids! I put his eyebrow scar there so he and his hubby are matchy matchy. Actually, both of their scars are pretty matchy matchy.... huh. Also, I’m totally not saying he was invloved in the fight that gave Izuku his scar, definitely not. Mashirao: STOP SAYING HE’S PLAIN AND ORDINARY. HE’S BEAUTIFUL DAMMIT. Every time I draw him I think about how darn pretty he is and that he could be like a KPop star or smth Tooru: It’s tooru! Super fun lil’ lady. What a queen. Mina: Look at that kick-ass scar I gave her. It’s what she deserves. Although, that eye may be a lil fucked up. Ah well, at least it looks cool. Yuuga: LOOK AT HIS HAIR. I am so happy with how it turned out! He so pretty. He and Mina are DEFINATELY Girlboss and Malewife. Hado: Also a simple lady. Prolly also needed to stick to her brand of long hair. She still super pretty tho. Lowkey disappointed I didn’t give her the stereotypical Anime-Protag’s-Mom hairstyle Haya: Completely shaved her head, and got more piercings! Like, 100% more Punk Rock. Itsuka: FRECKLES FRECKLES FRECKLES. And short hair!!!!!! Sigh, I love her. Tetsutetsu: I tried to make him look like Ejirou, even if just the face structure. I like how his hair and scar turned out tho. What a lad. Mezo: What a cool dude! Got a sick nasty scar, but covers it with his hair. I think, even with a majority of his face covered, he is still very handsome Miya: She has a name now!!!!!! What an icon. She’s a Hero Costume Designer, and she has a spider mutation. Wolf Spider, specifically (I think). She is so adorable and spunky I love her. Momo: Short hair!!!!!!1!1!1!11! God, what a goddess. We love her so so so much. Also, she gets to have a cool scar, too Kyouka: While she’s in UA, she straightens her hair, but after she graduates, she doesn’t care abt it. Momo rlly likes it curly. She also has that thing going on where you shave all of ur head except for ur bangs (and the side thingies). Oh! And eyebrow piercing! Satsuki: Pretty! Also, I made sure that all the girls who would’ve been 6-7 during the current time all had ponytails now (Satsuki, Etsuko, and Eri) Samidare: He’s super cool, and I decided to give him long hair to make him cooler. Also, Demiboy vibes, anyone? Tsuyu: A queen!!!!!! I love her so much!!!!!!! When her hair is down, it reaches to her shoulder blades. Ochako: SHE LOOKS SO BADASS I AM SO HAPPY. Look at her, with those cool scars, and that cool hair! What a queen! Mirio: Classic Mirio! Tbh, idk if I’ll give Mirio his quirk back. Like a lot of the stuff in the recent arc I’ve ignored, soooo......... Tamaki: He has SO MUCH HAIR. It ridiculous. Since growing it out, he uses it to hide behind if it’s left down. So Mirio likes to do stuff with his hair and make it look cute. Nikko helps, too! Eri: A queen!!!!!!!!!! Idk if she’ll be a Pro Hero or doctor that specializes with pro heroes, but I want her to be happy and help people! Hitoshi: Hanta and Denki weaves flowers into his hair a la Rapunzel all the time. The braid is really loose and shitty a lot of the time tho. Ah well. Denki: Because I moved his black stripe to down the center of his hair, my little sister keeps calling Denki and Race Car. And I agree. He got those scars because he was able to train himself to really not fry his brain anymore, but that means if he overloads, his electricity escapes some other way, so through his ears and into his face. Hanta: That scar was very strategically places because I am a firm believe that Sero will uncannily resemble Shouta when he gets older. I hadn’t done a really good job at that tho....... hm.

Gen 2 is done!!!!!! It was my fave generation to draw UwU. I’m not sure what to say with Gen 3, since I’ve already talked about them a lot. Jeez, idk. I’ll think about something to ramble about later.

@questionableholidayreally Tozen rlly said “I am literally just vibing ;)”

#Long post #bnha #bnha fankids #bnha next gen #I still cannot get over the fact that I drew 84 faces #like #damn #If u have any questions or just wanna yell at me just slide on into those asks! I'm happy to answer! #Born And Raised #Mha Born And Raised

[killshield]

            they’ve become quite the paradox. shield, unironically, and spear; unstoppable force and immovable object. two incompatible premises with an uncanny ability to piss each other off. 

            the intel that had fallen into ward’s lap two weeks prior would have been inconsequential to anyone else. it was an easy connection to make: one of sunil bakshi’s close associates, a low - ranking member of old hydra, apprehended by SHIELD agents during a routine sweep of a former base of operations. ward harbored no delusions as far as allegiance went; what he’d done to bakshi was enough incentive for anyone to flip. no coincidence that this follows so closely on the heels of roman briggs’ jailbreak. coulson needed the excuse, and ward’s schedule happened to have an opening. 

            a change in the very air between them as soon as they’re alone. charged; alive, like the air before a storm.

            alone. curious, ward notes, that coulson doesn’t hide behind deathlok this time.

            he holds up a photograph, a full - color freeze - frame printed off the footage from a surveillance camera. not an accident: a challenge. 

            “nice glamour shot,” he says dryly. 

            ward smiles. “should’ve had it framed. not my best angle, but —”

            “c’mon, ward.” what curves the line of coulson’s mouth isn’t amusement. “let’s skip the pleasantries. we both know you’re not that modest. you wanted my attention? congrats. you got it. now tell me what you want with briggs.” 

            “it’s funny,” ward muses, disregarding the second half entirely, “you say that like i ever lost your attention in the first place. and here i thought you had bigger fish.”

            “it’s a wide net.” 

            “is it.”

            “you exposed yourself to break him out of a secure facility crawling with agents, most of whom would kill to see you back in a cage. why?” 

            again, the question is ignored. “you tried that. didn’t work out so well.”

            “you wanna know what i think?”

            “not really.”

            another tiny, humorless uptick. coulson leans forward on the table, wary, measured where ward is relaxed. 

            “i think you might be just deranged enough to believe you’re actually doing him some sort of favor. that in your own backwards, twisted way, you’re setting him free, when all you’ve really done is take away his only chance at starting over.” 

            deranged. deluded. same song, ward thinks disinterestedly; different verse, albeit only by a key or two, if that. his brow arcs. 

            “right. a clean break, no more looking over his shoulder — sounds familiar. it’s a good speech. almost had me fooled the first time around. second time, not so much. don’t patronize me, coulson. SHIELD was neutralizing a threat, nothing more, nothing less.” 

            “and you took it upon yourself to willfully unleash that threat,” coulson says. “so i’ll ask again — why? i’m sure you did your homework. roman briggs is an unknown variable, a powder keg ready to go off. some might say he’s a liability. i know you, ward. you’re way too calculated to bet on that kind of horse.”

            “see, that’s the difference between us.” ward cants his head a fraction of an inch to one side, arm poised, elbow bent, along the back of his chair. “where you saw a wild animal that needed breaking, all i saw was potential. an opportunity.” 

            “an opportunity for what? don’t tell me loyal henchmen are in such short supply these days that hydra’s resorted to bargain - hunting from SHIELD holding cells. oh, speaking of —”

            “henchmen, or shopping trips? sounds like a date.” 

            “loyalty. you’re already slipping. how do you think i managed to track you down?”

            “educated guess — ? bakshi’s guy folded like a cheap suit the moment you promised him protection. how’s he enjoying SHIELD custody so far?” 

            “you’re good.” 

            “and you’re predictable. you didn’t just come here to talk about briggs, and you definitely didn’t come without backup.”

            a grim smile, peppered with skepticism. “but i’m supposed to believe you did?”

            “well — yes and no.” something almost metallic flickers behind ward’s eyes, a hollow - point spark. slow pull to draw a cellphone from his pocket, his opposite palm mildly raised at the spasm of movement across from him: coulson, on reflex, twitching toward a weapon. ward regards him with another scant raise of brows and connects the call with the successive press of two buttons, then a third to put it on speaker. still watching coulson, he says, to the receiving end, “how are we looking?”

            roman’s voice. calm, steady. “target secured. ready to move on your signal.”

            coulson boomerangs his focus; ward, down to the phone, up again to ward.

            “good. hold position and wait for the green light.” the way his mouth curves at each corner isn’t a smile, not even the facsimile of one. it’s a quiet taunt, preceding the ghost of something thoughtful that falls short of sincere. “you know, SHIELD still has a surprising number of active safe houses, and most of them really aren’t that hard to find. couldn’t have been fury, he was too cloak - and - dagger for that. so it must’ve been your call, huh? pretty careless, director. seems you’re already slipping.”

            a muscle tic. the flare of both nostrils. otherwise, coulson is composed; ward will give him that. “quit screwing around, ward — what did you do?”

            “yeah, i don’t screw around, you of all people should know that. and i haven’t done anything, at least — not yet. if he doesn’t hear from me in the next fifteen minutes, though,” he gestures with each hand, a blown out breath, mimicking an explosion. “different story. you’ll be down half a dozen agents, just like that. good people, too. i checked. so, the question is, are you willing to make that sacrifice just to take me in? you know you won’t be able to hold me. you never could.”

            “you’re bluffing.”

            “like i was bluffing with may’s ex - hubby? c’mon, coulson. maybe it’s been a while since we’ve exchanged christmas cards, but things haven’t changed that much.”

            no. they’re past that. 

            “okay.” aside from the shadow that crosses his gaze and the barely perceptible curl of his lip, coulson maintains neutrality. or what passes for it. "then answer me one thing.”

            a beat. ward waits, unmoved. 

            “what’s randall prescott have to do with any of this? what was so important that you and briggs went all the way to portugal to murder a guy who’s been off the radar for years? i’ve seen briggs’ file — they were in the same orphanage, back in the day, but after that, it’s quiet. no connections, or none that left a paper trail. so what is it about him? what’s the significance of executing a defected hydra agent and his wife in cold blood? on their anniversary, no less, but you probably knew that.”

            “they had a falling out.” in deference to coulson’s look, he elaborates, “prescott and briggs. wanted to reconnect, dig right down into the roots of their true feelings. i’m not a shrink, but i really think they made some progress.”

            “ah — so that’s what this is.” the look shifts from uneasily perplexed to comprehending, disparaging. “a revenge kick, just like you manipulated agent 33 into. figures. i mean, after you shot her to death, you were a clyde without his bonnie. should’ve known it was only a matter of time before you found yourself a replacement.”

            the first slip of emotion — visceral, raw, but securely contained, effectively distilled — comes out in the brusque undercurrent of a scathing tone. “and what about you, coulson? you find your replacement yet, or can you still not shake the memory of rosalind bleeding out in your arms?”

            a mirrored response. “i’m not the one who slaughtered her, you sick son of a bitch.”

            “but she’d be alive if it weren’t for you. let’s skip the pleasantries.” ward’s jaw works at the curve, hard and sharp. the hint of a sneer. “as for what happens next, you have two choices. i get up, and i walk out, and you tell your reinforcements to stand down — or, six SHIELD agents pay the price. they’ll die quick, which is more than i can say for you. so what’ll it be? we’ve got about,” he tips his wrist, checks his watch, “nine minutes left. and trust me when i say, he isn’t the ‘no news is good news’ type.” 

            “you’re not walking out of here, ward. i won’t make that mistake again. it’s over.”

            “shoot me, then,” ward invites, arms spread as he rises to a stand. “end it, right here, right now. you’ll still lose some of your people, but ...”

            “i’m never gonna stop,” coulson levels out, as he, too, gets to his feet; levels, although emphasis catches on every word like his tongue is serrated, “you do know that, don’t you? that for the rest of your short, miserable life — no matter what you do, ward. no matter where you go, or how far you run, i will always be right behind you.”

            “and that’s just it, coulson.” ward lowers his arms and smiles. no warmth reaches his eyes, nor the deep well of shadow around them. “you’ll never be able to catch up.”

            he moves, and almost anticipates coulson to follow. 

            he moves, and almost expects an icer to the back. maybe a real bullet. maybe they’re past that, too. 

            he moves, and coulson stays. 

            at the door, he pauses to catch coulson’s eye one last time. 

            “give my best to the team,” he says. “you know — for old time’s sake. i’m sure we’ll be seeing each other again soon.” 

#debrief. #au / a hybrid signal: both shelter and warning at once. #this is a mess but it's fine #mythscar #coulson tag.

[imyourbuddie]

3x11 Seize the Day - Found Families and Episode Breakdown

Okay, honestly, I always cry watching 911, so I’m not sure why I’m even surprised that I can’t even breathe right now and my eyeballs are still leaking. 

There’s so much to unpack here it’s incredible, but the BIGGEST THING IS FOUND FAMILIES. I think I talked about this before (can’t really remember right now) but I love how well balanced this show is, and how they can showcase the benefits of something without diminishing something else. 

In this case, I love how they gave us the importance of found families, how they walked us through the process of accepting that our blood families sometimes will never be good enough while we followed Chim’s story. But I also love how despite how shitty blood families can be, blood family is still important to us, which is depicted through Albert and Chim’s budding relationship, and Maddie saying how when she ran and had no where to go, she went to her brother. I love that what they’re saying is ultimately, we have a choice. It’s not all or nothing, and we can choose who are families are blood and otherwise. That not all blood is bad, but also, we shouldn’t let the bad bits ruin our opportunities to get to know the good. 

I also love that we finally get a little perspective on the Buckely parents. Not bad people, just bad parents, and that’s the HC I’ve been hanging onto since season 1. This is just personal opinion, but I never thought the Buckley sibling’s parents are bad, abusive people, but I did think that they may have been not the best parents. Being a parent is hard work, and honestly, it’s a crap shoot on the best of days, and it’s an unfortunate fact that some good people make HORRIBLE parents. It’s not that they hate their kids or wish them ill, they simply don’t know what to do with them. I’m so curious to see more of them when we HOPEFULLY EVENTUALLY get Buck Begins! 

And SPEAKING OF BUCK! We have SO MUCH BUDDIE GOODNESS THIS EPISODE! Sure, they didn’t have a lot of eye fucking moments, but their comfort with each other, and at the end where Buck is like “this is Eddie’s house, I’m not exactly a guest” is all the affirmation we need that HE’S THERE A FUCKING LOT! And the comfort level between him and Chris is just *chef’s kiss* just ugh. Yes. And I love love love how Eddie is always just hanging back and watching as Buck and Chris play, and he’s got love sick contented look on his face. I feel like Eddie’s me when my kid is hanging with hubby, so...I’ll just leave it at that haha. 

Hen and Karen becoming foster parents! Omg OMG OMG!! After that whole pregnancy and miscarriage and the ups and downs of all that, I am SO SO SOSOSOSOSOSO happy to see them get this. Get to do what they want to do and they’ll be AMAZING foster parents. I’m so excited to see how this unfolds, with a new kiddlet in the mix! They’re still one of my fav on screen couples, hands down, and just, I heart them so much. 

And finally, MICHAEL FUCK! What the FUCK! God if anything happens to him, imagine the GUILT MAY WOULD FEEL. I get where Michael’s coming from with this decisions to cancel the surgery, but I DON’T KNOW IF THAT’S THE BEST DECISION!?!?!!?!?! I don’t even know what to do with this. I am a fucking MESS over how badly this can play out and I really really really hope we get a proper arc for him and how his decision will affect him and his family. 

Also I CANNOT GET OVER HOW ADORABLE THOSE SANDWICH GUYS WERE IN THIS EPISODE!! IT’S LIKE THE ULTIMATE  MEET CUTE/MEET UGLY AND I AM LIVING FOR THIS TROPE. LIVING I TELL YOU. LIVING!! Now I’m going to go cry in a corner about this episode. I am SO excited that the show’s back and I can’t wait for next week!! 

#911 spoilers #3x11 spoilers #3x11 #911 on fox #imyourbuddie musings #omfg this episode was fantastic #im so glad they're back #THEY'RE BACK

[watchinghannibal]

Season 1 Episode 3

I will go back and do eps 1 and 2, but this idea came to me now and I gotta write it.

I started this blog ‘cuz I’ve heard such good things about this show. I was excited it was coming to Netflix, but I sat in shock at the first two episodes. What in god’s name is happening on this tv show????? I’ll type my reaction as I actually watch the episode.

Background: I’m a psychology/psychiatry researcher, I am no expert but hope to be one day. I hope to go to grad school to get a PhD in social/clinical psychology.

Okay I just introduced myself as a psychologist but this rant HAS to start with the deer hunting. I grew up in Arkansas and I know a bit about deer hunting, and a lot about duck hunting. This might actually be a good place to start because I have a feeling that what angers me about this deer hunting scene is gonna anger me time and time again.

If you take 2 seconds out of your life to google-research deer hunting, you’ll immediately discover that these two big shots are giant idiots. They are not wearing hi-vis (that bright orange) and are barely wearing any camo. They also appear to be standing in the middle of an open field???? You need to HIDE from deer you doofus they don’t like humans. Because we shoot them.

I’m sure there’s miles of metaphors that this girl is shooting a female deer, but to me it just feels like a huge eye roll. We get it they hate women. She also aims for the head??? One of the smallest parts of the body? You gotta shoot the heart baby girl. 

Okay they are talking about how deer are like humans. If deer were like humans why aren’t there deer cities. And then just in case you did not understand their cryptic speak, Jumbo Idiot literally says, “They’re a lot like us”. Why, sir, did you waste my time comparing deer to humans if at the end you were just gonna come out an say “They’re a lot like us”. Seems wasteful.

WeRe GoNnA hOnOr HeR

Papa do not make me do this, DAUGHTER you sweet little daisy child HER MEAT IS OUR HONOR lemme give you a kiss mwah.

I guess this blog is better consumed while you actually watch the episode.

Will the hot, doggo man is once again in panties. In case you didn’t notice, Will says he will go “cover himself”, you know, like real humans tend to say.

This woman creeps me out. She reminds me of the handful of women who go into ABA to work with autistic kids and then claim they are in love with their patient/client. They have this need to fix people, they think they are the light at the end of the tunnel, the prophet who will actually reach these kids when no one else has. The way she protects Will and hangs around him, stares at him.

Oh hell yes Crawford. This man is certifiable. I absolutely love the plain, stupid US map on his office wall. Quality art. This dude... thinks Will is a savant who is walking the edge of a psychopath. I gotta say, what edge is he talking about? There is no spectrum that goes from psychopath to normal to Asberger’s. It’s like they.... did not understand anything about personality psychology or psychopathology. I mean, I can’t say I didn’t expect that, not everyone is an expert. This is just like the deer hunting - a few minutes researching online woulda cleared this up.

I WILL NEVER LIE TO YOU - OH BITCH SHE GOT YOU! SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING A LIAR WOULD SAY!!!! This sexy reporter is the first person to say the murderer was sick. This girl is so smart though she would never talk to a reporter. Get outta the room!!!

You shot my dad so yes I do remember you, sorry. Why is she walking like she has been in a wheelchair her whole life. I love the little ascot scarf to cover her HORRIBLE scar, how nice. “I’m gonna be messed up, aren’t I” - what your character says when you don’t know how to show instead of tell.

Will grimaces as he TRIES SO HARD not to tell this girl that he enjoyed killing Jumbo Idiot.

I’m so sorry for my sexy reporting UwU. I can undo all the weird things I’ve done! Literally, why does the FBI care at all about this sexy reporter??????? She wrote one article about Will being sus as fuck and the FBI is like this sexy woman has to die. If I had been in that room with Dr. Lecter where he scolded me like a schoolgirl and took my purse, I’d be writing a 10,000 word essay on this creepo psychiatrist who wildly and without abandon “psychoanalyzes” everyone in his path and is enabling unstable people.

Oh no the graffiti, oh wait they did not clean the blood up yikes. Bye mom. Okay can we talk about how this girl is a better actor than anyone else. She seems the most real to me too. Everyone else is like wacko. Dr. Mom says we can go if you like and the smart, intelligent girl is like go where you bozo??? A homeless shelter? This is my house! Damn she is interrogating Will. Okay RIGHT after I said this girl was real she became typical Teenager with spite in her words.

Dr. Mom jumps in to protect her hubby-son Will who must be protected. LOL Dr. Mom straight up told the girl that she can share craziness. I guess she’s a mom only to Will. Everyone else can Suck It.

THE MAN ON THE PHONE????????????? OH BITCH SHE KNOWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DR. LECTER SHE KNOWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why do people think this girl did this? Uh this man ain’t okay fucking run girl. Yes, piss off but also run. Oh he didn’t even have a gun what a loser. Ooh this feisty girl says bad words to her mom, another Teenager with spite in her words.

Why do we deserve to watch Will dream about killing girls? Honestly there are so many murdered women why give us more? Oh no did he feed human to this poor girl. Dr. Mom finally steps in, geez she really is stone cold when it’s not Will. Oh did that strange man kill her friend? 

Does Crawford REALLY FUCKING THINK THIS GIRL MURDERED HER FRIEND???????????? What the fuck man leave her alone. Uh Dr. Lecter would be HONORED to privately escort the girl that knows he called her dad before he went crazy. Oh damn she’s still alive.

Sexy reporter is just allowed anywhere I guess. I guess she’s just too sexy. Girl close the fucking blinds there is paparazzi. Oops. BIG OOPS.

Classic man move - I DIDN’T KILL HER I WON’T HURT YOU *slams her against a wall* oh SHIT LECTER? I guess this show is good in the sense that it is genuinely exciting at times.

This is good psychology. This manipulation right here.

She’s like I think I’d prefer to stay up here as far as possible from you with my little scarf. This Teenager is gonna figure out the premise to the whole show and then die isn’t she?? Ugh.

Well, thanks if you read this. I’m gonna do ep 4 and eventually (or maybe never) I’ll go back and do ep 1 and 2.

#hannibal #commentary #spoilers #tw: violence #tw: murder #tw: animal harm

[aonrivers]

Pregnancy, Birth, Postpartum, and Baby Time! (TMI warning) - Part 01

Recently I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. For nine months I read articles and expectations of things to happen and to come, but honestly nothing prepared me for the truth of it all. Sure my friends told me some stuff, but nothing like what I experienced.

I’ve decided to write the nitty gritty of it all along with tips for new moms that I wish I had too. This is going to be major TMI, but when you've given birth, nothing seems like TMI anymore - especially because in the labor room you've got about ten people you've never met before (yes, even your doctor) staring at your asshole and your crotch. With introductions out of the way, are you ready? Here we go!

Part 1 of IDK how many...

Truths about being pregnant:

1) First and foremost... Officially remove negative people in your life the moment that stick says positive. This is Tip #1. I planned on doing this for months before I got pregnant but being pregnant pushed me to do it sooner. I was tired of being stressed out and having negative things told me by certain people in my life and I wasn't going to have it continue during one of the most stressful and most beautiful times of my life. I closed the door on many friendships during my first few weeks and even though it still bugs me that I had to do it, I'm glad I did and recommend others to do the same (even when you aren't pregnant). 2) Tip #2 I can offer is either before or during your pregnancy, plan a vacation. I was on vacation when I got pregnant and planned a trip with my best friend when I hit mid third trimester (would've been sooner but 2020 was a hellish year for the world). 3) I bought a belly book after a few weeks of finding out I was pregnant. My friend recommended it and it was really cool to document every week and my thoughts and post my belly bump pictures, but then second trimester hit and the book was wrong... I ignored it until the third trimester hit and it was wrong again. What was wrong with it? They claimed my trimesters started in certain weeks that were 2-3 weeks off. I Googled my trimesters and checked multiple sites - the book was wrong. So I finally said screw it and created my own. I bought a scrapbook (use a Michael's coupon, that shit is expensive) and I began to craft my own book. 4) A huge suggestion: take those belly bump pictures!! It sounds silly but it's super cool to have. Not only do you get to see your belly growing, but you can put those pictures in your scrapbook like I did. I took the same pose in the same place every Friday. Then I found a really cool app that you could put words on your images and ended up doing that for my Instagram posts. 5) My 3rd tip is make sure you have a really good relationship with your doctor and they believe in the same things you do. I think this is important because I wasn't happy with the thought of being pregnant with my normal doctor then I ended up not being happy half the time with the doctors I went to while pregnant. I wish I had that doctor patient relationship you think every pregnant lady has. I kind of had that with my crazy, beady-eyed doctor I had seen for thirteen years, but when it came time to have a child, she just didn't align with me. She was pro everything I'm not and became a little too radical for me. Be who you wanna be, believe and think what you wanna believe and think, but don't push that shit on me - and that's the direction she started going. So in the end, I left her and went with my friend's doctor... Who happened to have 5+ doctors and a midwife.... Midwife was cool and maybe two of the doctors, but the rest I wasn't a fan of. I didn't even know the doctor who I gave birth with and it was very impersonal with the doctors I saw during the checkups. For example: one doctor would come in, glance at me, talk to me while staring at the computer screen, then leave. I also didn't get ultrasounds done with them, only heartbeat checks. It just wasn't a journey with them like I thought it would be and should've had. Now speaking of those sweet black and white first photos... 6) Sonograms are beautiful things to have. I got a nice picture frame for my second trimester image and have it on my dresser with a cute doll and my childhood music box. Treasure these little pictures. Take pictures of them to keep and reprint because the ink will fade on the ones the tech gives you, but for the love of God, hide your personal information when you post them. Sonograms say your name and birthdate, along with where you got the picture taken then more information on your child. It irks me to no end when people post this online. Especially on Twitter, which is a public forum. Shit. I didn't even post that on my private Instagram. 7) Next Tip: Call insurance to confirm multiple things, such as: what's covered during pregnancy/hospital stay/postpartum, if the hospital is covered, and if your Pediatrician is in network. Just because the office says "yes we take Aetna/UHC" doesn't mean they're in network. 8) Something that I will be telling everyone I know who is pregnant (which honestly isn't many) is scourge the internet for those pregnancy sites. Most sites and stores offer sample boxes. If you start a registry, they send you one too. Try: Amazon, Babylist, BuyBuyBaby, Walmart, Target... The list goes on. Check What To Expect's website for a list of all the sample box sites. I got about ten boxes that all had great stuff inside: bottles, pacifiers, breast milk pouches, diapers, lotion/shampoo samples, wipes, pads, and a few other smaller things. I honestly haven't used any of it, but plan to soon. 9) A great tip my friend told me was to go on those breast pump sites and check to see if your insurance is covered. My insurance ended up covering up to $300 for a breast pump. Of course I went with a $300 breast pump and paid an extra $30 out of pocket to have a few more parts included in my purchase. It was a great idea and is highly recommended for new moms to take advantage of! (I went with Spectra for a few reasons... It's definitely quieter than the Medela pump (the hospital had this one), and there's a nifty nightlight on the pump handle with two settings. It's super useful and I actually use the nightlight feature every night...) 10) Another great tip is to make that baby registry and share it!! People you don't expect will buy stuff. I used Amazon and got a bunch of perks. After my shower, I bought the rest of my stuff with the discounts Amazon offers. It was 2 bulk orders where both had 15% off entire order. I also get discounts on diapers for a year or, I think, the equivalent of $600 spent. Both perks were extremely helpful. 11) FYI, pregnancy is ten months, not nine. They tell you this in articles on The Bump and What To Expect, but I figured I'd say it anyways. 12) You won't miss your period during this time. I sure don't. 21 years so far is long enough for me. 13) The nausea is real and it sucks. It gets to the point where you don't wanna try for baby number two because you're just so over it after being sick for three months straight. 14) Nausea doesn't mean you're hanging over the toilet bowl throwing up the only food that doesn't make you sick. You can just have that knot in your throat all day that's teasing you about having to throw up. Not fun. 15) Being tired is also real and I have no idea how working moms-to-be do it. I work from home, so taking power naps was easy to do. Most of the time, I couldn't keep my eyes open. And it took about three months to find out why... (see next number) 16) YOU'RE NOT ONLY GROWING A HUMAN INSIDE YOU BUT A FREAKING ORGAN TOO!! That's right folks. The placenta isn't just chilling inside you waiting for the day you get pregnant. It's growing right alongside your little baby, taking your nutrients and energy so it can form and power up your little embryo/fetus. 17) If you're a vivid dreamer like me, the dreams are definitely weird. They tell you this, but for me, my dream self becomes pregnant too. I literally went through my dreamworlds pregnant. 18) Boobs hurting is an understatement. My boobs hurt so badly from the hormones and getting ready for milk that I didn't even wanna touch them when I was showering. 19) Your boobs become hideous. I have small breast - a nearly A has been my measurement in the past, but becoming pregnant, I became a large B - probably going into a small C cup. And not only did the boob itself get bigger and veinier, but the nipples got bigger and darker (confirmed by my friends, doctor, and websites that women experience this change). I honestly don't recognize my boobs anymore. I also don't even know why I wanted bigger boobs growing up. They suck. It's not the backaches (I didn't have any while pregnant, surprisingly), it's the fact that when you sleep on your side, that boob gets crushed and goes numb. 20) Boobs leak as they start forming that first collection of milk aka colostrum. So be aware. Being braless is great but those milk stains aren't cute. And it's not like a normal wet spot either where your nipples are. It's a wet stain with a milky ring around it making it totally unattractive. 21) Your nipples will become numb aka no stimulation. At least for me. My nipples are still numb but I guess it goes without saying why (think about it). 22) On websites, they will tell you that your cervix swells and some women enjoy sex more with their new closed off vagina, but not for me. It hurt to do anything down there. My husband and I had one position available and when the bump got bigger, we became celibate. And boy does the guilt take over... So expect this to happen - you're not alone if it does. 23) Your sex drive may be gone. As I said above, I swelled up down there and it was very painful having sex. With that, the sex drive was killed. My poor hubby suffered through these nine months and continued to suffer after birth because- well I'll get to why suffering continues after birth later. 24) Craving food may not happen for you. I didn't crave anything unusual. The only thing I ate on a daily basis were two English muffins with butter. On weekly basis I had three scrambled eggs on those two English muffins. This occurred maybe 2-3 times a week. Other than that, my "cravings" were the same. I wanted Taco Bell and all the other normal stuff I ate when not pregnant. 25) Paranoia for what you're eating will definitely hit you. Guilt will too. Paranoia because you're checking Google to see if you were allowed to eat that pasta with garlic sauce; and guilt because you're eating crappy junk food and feel like you're depriving your baby of nutrients. But like my friend told me, your body provides the baby what it needs and to stop being paranoid. Also those prenatals pack a punch in vitamins. 26) This isn't really nitty gritty or a tip... it's just something I personally did while pregnant and that was - I stayed away from the foods they tell you to like the high mercury fish and cold cuts, but I ate hot dogs and medium cooked beef. But those meats were cooked 170°+ which they recommend if you wanna eat your normal foods. You can also eat cold cuts but it's highly recommended they're warmed up. These meats contain listeria which is something we can defeat by ourselves but our little babies in the womb have difficulty in doing. Another thing I did in regards to food was I stayed away from foods I was allowed to eat but made me sick when I wasn't pregnant. I just didn't want to deal with the sickness. 27) Sleep however tf you want to sleep and that's exactly what I did. Sleeping on my side is not something I do when not pregnant and certainly didn't happen while pregnant. That is, not until the last month or two. I'll elaborate... I'm a back sleeper. I slept on my back and felt my baby every night tucking into one side of my belly because it was comfortable for her. It wasn't until those last months where the weight of my baby was actually pushing on my spine and yes you can feel it. It's a heavy pain that forces you to side sleep. 28) Those pregnancy pillows are shit. Seriously. They're bulky and annoying. My friend bought me a super nice one that went under the head, down the back, and cupped between the legs and I used it for five minutes. I'll find use for it one of these days - maybe gift it to my friend who is due in April - but right now it's just taking up space downstairs. I tried the slanted pillow for my belly. That lasted a month. What did it for me was that silly "As Seen On TV" pillow. It's that white, guitar pick looking pillow you shove between your knees to keep your legs leveled and your spine straight. That's literally the only pillow that helped me when my belly got huge. My bed worked out in my favor cupping my bump. 29) Being pregnant in the summer isn't that bad. Granted I had AC/Central Air the entire time. But seriously... You know why it also wasn't so bad? I could wear tank tops and dresses. Those were my maternity clothes. I bought maternity leggings for $4 when Kohl's had them on sale. They sucked. The belly piece went over the belly nicely, but the back road my back fat in a very uncomfortable way (and I don't really have back fat). Also, flip flops were my Godsend. When my feet swelled, flip flops were all I wore. Can't do that in the colder months! 30) I basically became a heater. Probably because I gained 4lbs of blood and water and a baby and whatever else was going on in my body. I normally sleep with a fleece blanket and a comforter; even in the summer. I could only use my fleece blanket while pregnant. I was surprisingly warm enough. Which leads me to the next sleeping factor... 31) Sleeping naked was a must. Here's why... Besides being hot all the time, waistbands hurt me and shirts bugged the crap outta my body. 32) Being commando all the time was a must. It was super nice being commando. I didn't have to worry about a period making a grand entrance and the waistband and around my thighs weren't hurting. 33) A nice buying tip: the baby grows super fast. And if your baby is born in the fall or winter, chances are the stores only have summer clothes. So make sure you get those larger outfits for the months to come! 34) Ask for larger clothes for that baby shower. It'll help down the road. 35) Shaving stops when you can no longer see down there and when you can no longer bend comfortably to shave your legs. Of course that didn't stop me before I went to the hospital. I cleaned up the best I could from the belly button down, but still managed to miss that one spot on my damn kneecap! 36) Back to baby... Flutters start being felt really early. Feels like gas but it's the baby. They say 16 weeks but I was feeling the flutters at 12 weeks. After the flutters came the kicks and jabs, and the constant wondering if I had a mini Mike Tyson in my belly. Especially when my belly would convulse like she was using my organs as a punching bag. I came across only one random article that explained what that was... Hiccups. Yes, the baby gets hiccups in utero and if your baby is like mine, the damn things continue outside the womb annoying your little bundle of joy like your own hiccups annoy you. 37) Sometimes you'll panic when you don't feel the baby moving much. Babies in the womb still need sleep I was told. If you get no movement at all within 24 hours no matter what you do then definitely call your doctor. (Your doctor should tell you this during a visit.) 38) I was told this: babies hear you and mostly everything around you outside the womb. This is true. My baby would move from her comfy right side to the left just to get closer to where my husband was talking to her. 39) Third trimester is when everything starts getting real, possibly painful, and definitely the feeling of "I'm over this". They mention this on those websites and they're not joking. 40) Every night I popped two tums just to keep the acid reflux down and the heartburn away. They say major heartburn means you've got a hairy baby and they weren't kidding (more on this later). 41) Waddling actually does occur. At first I felt like I was just doing it because I'm pregnant and subconsciously I'm making fun of pregnant ladies you see in movies. But you really do waddle and wonder if your walk will ever be the same again. (Spoiler: it does.) 42) My feet and legs swelled by my 8th month. They were slowly swelling into the third trimester but it was super noticeable towards the end. But I also ran into a health issue which I'll get to later... The swelling actually hurts. It feels like you're walking on water bags and on top of that, the bottom of your feet feel like you walked all of Disney World nonstop for a week straight. Do yourself a favor and put your feet up and rest. I hardly did this. I just had so much stuff I wanted to get done and I don't like asking for help, so I did everything myself until it got to the point where my husband or mother-in-law were yelling at me. 43) Getting a cold while pregnant sucks. Coughing and blowing your nose is kind of hard because you start to worry that your upsetting your baby. Plus, now you gotta think about medicine. What's safe and should you even bother... Luckily your doctor gives a list of safe medications. 44) Swelling in the feet could be something completely different than just the normal "things to expect in your third trimester" so be aware and prepared for problems that can arise that you weren't expecting. Like what happened to me. Even though those monthly appointments turned weekly get annoying, especially when you gotta drive thirty minutes to your appointments, they're not pointless. In week 38 I had protein in my urine and my blood pressure was high. The protein was not a UTI like what I got when I conceived back in December. That protein was a glimpse into something pretty scary if not caught early during pregnancy. It's called pre-eclampsia. Luckily I was two weeks out from my due date so inducing me wasn't too big of an issue. My baby was fully grown. Only way to get rid of pre-eclampsia is to remove the placenta - hence the early birth of my baby. But some mom's aren't this lucky and lemme tell you something. This was something that was never brought up to me during my doctor visits or on the websites I visited. They don't tell you that pre-eclampsia can happen at any point or that it could come back, and possibly worse, in your next pregnancies until you've been tested positive for it. I was in the hospital for five days after giving birth. My kidneys, heart, and platelets were all affected. Thank God I'm cleared now, but knowing about this ahead of time would've been nice. I could've looked for signs which were massive swelling in legs and feet (luckily I had no headaches or blurry vision). But like I said, I was tested positive late in the game. Some mother's aren't. Part 02 will go into labor and the TMI things that go on when you're admitted into the hospital.

#pregnancy #birth #nitty gritty #blog #post #postpartum #childbirth #child #mother #new mother #mom to be

[itwill-comeback]

More headcanons bb

☆ Someone [Tomas] implanted a huge phobia of hospitals and doctors in Vlad like "If you ever get taken to a hospital they're gonna figure out that you're not human and dissect you like a frog, you'd be a freak science experiment" and 1. Vlad only feels safe in hospitals with Nelly and 2. Thanks for making him feel like even more of a freak you punkass and 3. When he woke up post-staking and was just like "Otis is here?" His mind immediately is torn between Fuck That Where's Nelly? & Otis Wouldn't Let Doctors Dissect Me, Right? & What happened to Joss? Is he here? Am I safe right now?

☆ Nelly knows he gets antsy in hospitals even when she's with him, but doesn't know why. She tries to talk him into coming by while she's working and meeting her coworkers but he just digs his heels in, full stop "Nah, I'm-- I'm okay... thanks tho"

☆ Also once he got into his teens and all his doctor's visits involved the doctor offering to speak with him privately without Nelly in the room just makes him damn near have a panic attack every time and outright refusing to let people draw his blood because NopeNopeNope I'mNotHumanGoAway!

☆ Getting his wisdom teeth removed and demanding he get all four of those teeth back because he doesn't want anyone to have his DNA.

☆ Normal Elysians never have to deal with this issue because vampires actually love the medical field. They can easily convince humans around them to give them a raise or help then with an overnight shift or donate money to the hospital or be more understanding about wait times or agree to a better treatment or forgive medical debt because everyone who has to deal with anything within a stone's throw of the medical field, either as a patient or hospital staff, is just consistently overworked, underpaid or just outright frazzled and exhausted. This leaves their minds open to persuasion and vampires use that to their advantage a lot.

☆ Never understood why vampires in movies can't handle being around humans in hospitals because oh no they might bleed! Like dude come on I could smell the most delicious food on the planet and still the other smells of Hospital just kill any appetite I might have. I'm supposed to believe people with super senses wouldn't get nauseating headaches at the smell of all that disinfectant and bleach and latex and sweat and chemicals and medicine and death and holy hell those bright ass lights? There's nothing appetizing in a hospital for folks with regular senses. Vampires at best just adapt to the senses onslaught that is the inside of a hospital and bear it for the sake of helping people.

☆ Also fuck the idea that vampires inherently just don't give a fuck about people. We see a few instances of people not immediately noticing the difference between humans and vampires and I honestly think vampires would rather help every person that needs their help than be picky about who gets much needed medical attention.

☆ On top of that even if vampires don't necessarily want to help people because it's the right thing to do, they could just as well be in it for the money because they would make fucking phenomenal doctors with their super senses and their extreme precision and attention to detail. Also just imagine the bedside manner of someone who can literally read your mind. They know exactly what you're afraid of and exactly what you want to hear, and what you need to hear.

☆ Otis tells Vlad about cool stuff Elysia made like chess, cities, and Sony, but he doesn't even think to mention all the brilliant accomplishments of Elysian doctors and scientists because there are so many, you could write a book about all the stuff vampires figured out as time went on in the medical field alone.

☆ And all that stuff about "this hasn't changed in the medical field in the past 70/80/100 years" Yeah that's because lots of vampires don't appreciate change if it isn't absolutely necessary. There's a lot of "When I was just a premed fledgling we still used brass doorknobs that disinfected themselves and now everybody wants stainless steel everything ugh"

☆ Add to that that it's usually free for doctors to sit in on lectures and classes about new medical stuff so that their practice methods don't become dated and vampire doctors literally get to watch humanity get better at medicine.

☆ Elysians almost certainly knew about bacteria and infection since before the plague but couldn't explain it to humans without betraying their secret so they had to use the right methods with the wrong science behind it to get stuff done. Ex. Plague doctors wore masks, gloves, long coats and boots, and had canes to keep distance from people but since they couldn't explain the concept of airborne disease to humans they just went "uhhh, the air is dirty? The stench of death spreads the plague so I wear this mask with herbs in it which protects me from the miasma? Gloves and cane so I don't have to touch sick people? Touching is bad, people are dirty?" And humans just went with it. Historians be like "They were wrong, but their methods were right! How observant mankind was!"

☆ Tomas was hailed as a great help with hunting during the plague times but fuck him, if anyone's gonna know who's healthy and who isn't it's the vampire doctors and they no doubt showed active disdain for Tomas going around and killing the few healthy humans left in any given populace. Like if you just take those humans as drudges and make sure they stay healthy you can share them with other vampires and then some people survive the sickness! They have antibodies for the plague! Don't kill them!

☆ So no doubt vampires cover all of the medical field and can easily keep information about Elysian patients out of the hands of human staff and helped shape privacy in the medical field (things like not reading through people's medical records unless it's necessary, laws that keep your medical information protected) but also the definite pursuit of Elysians to figure out what their biology is and isn't capable of, figuring out why they can't catch sicknesses and why they're allergic to garlic and how drinking blood of all things sustains their bodies.

☆ Can you imagine how dope it would've been if Nelly had lived and married Otis and become a vampire and just had so much further knowledge about medicine given to her? At first it's difficult for her to get passed all the sensory overload of the hospital but once she does she's absolutely ten times happier at her job? Night shifts are a blessing and she's happy to take them to let her human coworkers get home to their families? I'm always big heart eyes for Nelly, but fledgling nurse Nelly?? Is so so good?? One downside is that Vlad is even more insistent that they both get out of bed before he leaves the house because trauma.

☆ All her coworkers think she's so perky because she got married and finally has someone at home to help her and she's now got an empty nest and literally they're all just like "ooo girl! Marriage looks so good on you! How's your boy? He doing good at Stokerton University? How's your new hubby?? When is he gonna come by so we can meet him??" And she also gains new friends through meeting all her vampire coworkers I'm 💖💖💖 love one newlywed nurse!

☆ Vlad meeting vampire medical staff who [despite being super intrigued by his biology] are very understanding to his anxieties about hospitals and try to help him overcome his fears. This sweet anxious halfling gets his blood drawn for the first time in his life at age 18 and is super relieved to see that all the stuff they do is noninvasive and really not that bad.

☆ All the DNA analysis stuff they tell him about is sorta lost on him because he doesn't speak doctor lmao, but Nelly is super intrigued and can explain it to him in regular people terms.

☆ Also Elysian psychologists help him recognize that his dad planted that fear in his mind so that he'd avoid hospitals and avoid most things so that he'd probably never meet any Elysians. And probably also to distance himself from his aunt who Tomas likely saw as an obstacle and just in general he wanted Vlad to be distrustful of everyone and avoidant of others, especially people who would try to help him.

☆ Vlad makes fledgling friends at college and admits he has a phobia of hospitals and one of his friends is like "Dude don't be afraid of hospitals, doctors are super nice! I'm gonna be a doctor soon, I wouldn't dissect you 🥰" and another one's all "I'm gonna become a nurse, like your aunt! Medical staff are legit just normal people with good hearts! You have nothing to be afraid of." And it just completely shakes Vlad's view of medical staff as mad scientists who want to cut him open.

☆ Not that Vlad didn't have enough trauma to get therapy for [the staking, the fire, the attempted soul snatching, being bitten by crazies, his friends and family almost being killed, Tomas fucking Tod, almost draining his girlfriend, his abandonment issues, ect.] I just genuinely think being afraid of hospitals is a natural thought process for someone who's the first half-vampire half-human in the world. Also Tomas would do some shit like that to Vlad, never plant any phobia of something that would help him like slayer phobia or garlic phobia, but something he would almost certainly need someday? Like medical treatment? Yeah, let's make him afraid of that, Tomas. That's a great idea.

☆ As a little not medical related thing, I think even though Vlad said he didn't care what Otis did with the house when he was renovating it, I think he definitely was a little bit inclined to have Otis use stuff that was flame resistant and almost certainly put like four fire extinguishers in different spots in the house and was real particular about getting good blinds and drapes for the windows. Also no way in hell does he let Otis get a gas stove.

#can y'all tell my parents work in a hospital? lol #:: lighting off the blaze (headcanon) #:: casper speaks (shouting into the void) #the chronicles of vladimir tod #I'll probably write more later about what the hell happened with him in the hospital post-staking #because holy hell what did the doctors even do for him with a fucking stake buried in his heart?? #i just had some thoughts about trauma and vampires and hospitals and thought id share #fuck Tomas Tod #for the thousandth time

[sheewolf85]

A New Kind of Love

Summary: Sequel/Prequel to "The Best Daddy", set during the pregnancy. Based on a Discord conversation between myself and Keelywolfe. Stretch notices Edge is displaying some signs of possibly changing his mind about having this baby.

Notes: In my first oneshot with Cyperus, I left it up to the audience to decide how the little babybones came into the world. I've changed things up a bit for this one because I wanted to go a bit deeper.

Also, this isn't supposed to be set in the BAON universe. Maybe a BAON AU or something if Keely's okay with that, but I certainly don't want anyone thinking that I'm stealing Keelywolfe's universe. Nope.

Read it on AO3 here.

Or keep reading under the cut:

When the topic of children first came up, Stretch was hesitant to say he’d ever want to be a parent. Scratch that, he was downright positive that he never wanted kids.

Edge hadn’t questioned him for a reason, hadn’t seemed upset or disappointed in the least; he’d only accepted that Stretch that didn’t want that.

The truth was that he was certain he’d mess a kid up. Mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and all the other -ally’s. He was sick so often that he’d just make the kid worry about him, and it was bad enough that Edge had to worry about him all the damn time. He had trouble with commitment, and yeah he planned on committing to Edge for a while but that was different. Edge didn’t depend on him the way a kid would.

Their relationship hadn’t been new at the time, but they both still bore the title of boyfriend.

A few years later, after they’d been through so much together, gotten engaged and then married, after loving and laughing and arguing and getting back together, Stretch realized his opinion on children had changed.

Edge had brought it up a few times, never to harass or to beg, only to check in. He still never pushed or questioned, only accepted whatever answer Stretch felt he could give at the time.

The day came when Stretch could honestly say he’d been thinking about it, and the look of pure joy on Edge’s face had pushed him from merely thinking about it to actively trying to get himself ready to be a parent.

Once the decision to bring a child into the world had been made, they had to figure out how they were going to do it. Stretch’s first thought was that he would be the one to carry the child since Edge worked full time and was the main breadwinner of the household. Sure Stretch had his own contributions, some of them pretty important in a long-term sense, but literally nobody outside of a few select skeletons and the king knew about those.

Edge brought logic to the table, gently reminding Stretch with sorrow in his sockets that his health may not support the full-term growth of a child. That started visits to doctors to learn as much as they could about skeleton reproduction.

In the end, it was Edge who would carry their child. Stretch couldn’t say that he wasn’t relieved, but there was also a part of him that was a little jealous. It didn’t help that he had to explain to what felt like a million different people that Edge wasn’t carrying because Stretch didn’t want to or was too lazy or selfish to do it himself, but rather because Edge’s magic was stable and his health impeccable, essentially the exact opposite of Stretch.

Jealousy faded, however, and by the fourth month when Edge started showing and had to get his suits tailored to accommodate a baby belly, Stretch was filled with nothing but awe and adoration for his husband.

One morning, just after the six month mark, Stretch woke up to Edge grumbling about his routine being ripped out from under him.

Stretch opened his sockets to see Edge standing in an adjusted running outfit in front of the closet, pointing at his belly as he mumbled some stern admonishment or another.

“you okay, babe?” Stretch asked, his voice thick with sleep.

Edge turned around and smiled, his outward level of irritation dropping from a grumble to a tight smile. “Yes, love. I’ve just discovered this morning that running is a bit more difficult than it used to be.”  He huffed and walked over to the bed to sit on the side of it. “And by that I mean I ended up gagging by the side of the road halfway through my route. This child is likely to take after you; running makes them nauseous.”

Stretch grinned up at his handsome hubby, reaching to take his hand. “i’m sorry they’re not cooperating with your routine, babe.”

Edge nodded, then lifted their clasped hands to kiss Stretch’s knuckles. “First my coffee, and now this. The things I do for my family.”

Family.

Such a simple word to some, but it meant more to Stretch now than he could have ever dreamed.

“maybe you just need to slow down or not run so many miles? or maybe we should go talk to alphys if you think--”

“It was just a little nausea, love; everything is fine. I’ll give it a few days and try again, but I’ll go slower like you suggested.” He leaned down that time, catching Stretch’s mouth in a lovely kiss. “Do you want to go back to sleep, or do you want to get up and have some breakfast with me?”

The temptation to go back to sleep was there, but he passed it over for the opportunity to spend a little extra time with his baby. Well...his husband and his baby. Yeah, that wasn’t going to get confusing or anything. They were both his babies, just different kinds. A baby within a baby.

He kept his snicker to himself as he got up and followed Edge to the shower.

-------------------------------

As the next two months passed, Stretch began to notice things.

At first, he was pretty sure he was imagining it all. He was projecting his own previous fears of being a parent onto Edge. That was all.

Surely Edge was just tired when Alphys showed them the screen with the image of their child’s growing frame and their little pulsing soul. He wasn’t bored, and he wasn’t disinterested. He was tired. Alphys had even scolded him a little, saying he needed to get some more rest; their baby was half Stretch, after all.

During the first few months of the pregnancy, Edge was definitely the more excited of the two of them. Not that Stretch wasn’t, it was just that Edge had wanted this for so long and now that it was here, he was celebrating with all the cheer he knew how to show.

But now, Stretch was seeing something else in Edge’s demeanor when he talked to people about their baby. He really wanted to believe it was a combination of many things, not the least of which being that Edge had grown accustomed to being pregnant and no longer felt the need to show off his excitement. People knew he was happy to soon be a father. He didn’t need to show it all the time.

Something else started to eat at Stretch, however, as he watched Edge talking to someone he worked with at the embassy. They were at the market, and Stretch had wandered off as he usually did. Making his way back, he stopped to watch. He couldn’t say why. Maybe it was because he suddenly realized just how exhausted Edge looked. Or maybe it was because of the way he gestured toward his belly, as if he resented the thing. Then again, it could have been the expression of discontent on his face; he honestly looked like he’d rather be anywhere but here.

“Is everything okay?” a voice asked beside him.

Stretch looked over to see Jennie, a young Bun monster with a newborn of her own cradled in her arms, standing beside him.

“uh, yeah, i think so. why?” He looked back at Edge. Damn, he had never seen Edge so done with everything.

Jennie smiled tightly, like she knew something but didn’t want to say it. “Just...he doesn’t look very happy, does he?” She sighed and looked down at her little one. “Having a baby changes you, y’know? You have to make so many sacrifices. I know I shouldn’t say this, but if I could go back I would have waited. Or maybe I’d never have kids at all.”

For one delirious moment, Stretch didn’t understand. And then it hit him.

Regret.

He looked at Edge again, and so many little expressions and actions all fell into place.

Was Edge having second thoughts? Had he changed his mind about being a dad? Or maybe about having kids with Stretch?

They had both done everything they could to make sure that Stretch’s shitty health couldn’t hurt their baby, but there had already been so many things that Edge had to change because the baby was half Stretch. He’d had to give up so much more than he’d anticipated, and certainly if he’d had another partner he could have let them carry the child instead.

He said goodbye to Jennie and went up to Edge. He didn’t know what he was going to say or how he was going to bring any of this up, but he knew he’d have to.

And yet, the moment Edge saw him, his entire demeanor changed. His posture straightened, his mouth turned up in the secret smile that Stretch loved so much, and even his eye lights brightened a bit. He still looked tired, but everything else melted away.

No, that was wrong. It wasn’t gone, it was hidden. Edge was hiding it from him.

Edge didn’t hide things. Not from Stretch. Not from anyone, really, especially not his annoyance. His pleasure and his happiness were reserved for those closest to him, but he wore his irritation like a badge of honor.

To see him hiding now was just another kick in the chest. Edge didn’t want to hurt him, and so was pretending that everything was fine while inside he was probably searching frantically for a way out of this.

By the time they made it home that evening, Stretch had convinced himself that Edge regretted every part of their relationship. If he’d only chosen another partner, he could be happy. If he hadn’t talked Stretch into having a child, maybe they’d still be okay.

In Stretch’s mind, there were only two possible outcomes to this scenario:

The first, Edge lived the rest of his life resenting both Stretch and their child for everything he had to give up. He would choose to stay, because he wouldn’t break a promise he’d made to Stretch, but every day would be miserable for him. In turn, both Stretch and their child would be miserable as well. Stretch would end up fulfilling the prophecy he’d made ages ago when he said he’d screw a kid up, because no kid could be happy in a home where one of their parents regretted their existence.

The second possible outcome, Edge would pack up and leave after the baby was born. He might take the kid with him or he might leave Stretch to raise them on his own. That part wasn’t clear, but either way, Stretch couldn’t bear the thought of losing his husband.

He scoffed to himself. Either way, really, he’d end up losing Edge.

“Love?”

Edge’s voice brought him out of his thoughts, and Stretch looked over to see him standing next to the couch. Stretch was sitting there, had been staring numbly at the coffee table.

“hey babe,” he managed. His voice was tight. Had he been crying?

Edge sat next to him and draped a blanket over his shoulders. “Can I do anything?” he asked, gingerly rubbing Stretch’s back as he did. “Do you need anything?”

I need you, he thought.

He didn’t bother hiding it. “i need you,” he said out loud, his voice catching.

Nodding, Edge pulled Stretch a bit closer. Gone were the days of sitting on his husband’s lap; his baby belly was too large and they didn’t want to risk hurting the kid. His arms wrapped around Stretch nonetheless and pulled him back to lay against his shoulder.

“I’m here,” he said softly.

Stretch turned as best he could, curled his legs up to sling them over Edge’s lap, and nuzzled his face into Edge’s neck. He knew he needed to ask Edge what was wrong. He needed to stop pretending that he knew what was going on in anyone else’s mind but his own, but all the clues were right there and he was so terrified to hear Edge confirm them.

“I love you,” Edge said quietly, his hands still massaging gently. “So much.”

He could almost hear the ‘but’ coming, and for a moment he was worried he might throw up. He wasn’t ready for this. Not yet. He wanted a little more time to pretend they could have the perfect future before it all fell apart.

He turned into Edge’s shoulder and pressed his face into the soft shirt there, forcing himself to breathe in and out slowly so he didn’t start hyperventilating. He clung to his husband in a desperate attempt to make everything okay. Wasn’t there supposed to be some kind of power of love bullshit to fix everything?

“i love you, too.” His voice was strangled, barely a breath, and it unleashed a new torrent of tears to his sockets. His soul was breaking, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. “i love you so much, edge, please...please don’t leave me.”

Edge’s arms constricted, holding him too tightly. “Of course not; I could never leave you.” He pressed a kiss to Stretch’s skull. “Never.”

Stretch held onto that, nodding into Edge’s shoulder and let himself be comforted by the one who probably needed the comfort instead.

Could he be more selfish?

He couldn’t say how much time had passed. Minutes, hours, it didn’t really matter. It wasn’t long enough to feel like he was going to be okay when Edge pulled back, his arms loosening.

“Are you hungry at all?” he asked.

Stretch shook his head. He felt like he might vomit if he tried to eat anything.

“you probably are, though, huh?” he asked, forcing himself to lean back and look at Edge.

He didn’t try to hide it. Nodding, he said, “Being pregnant has certainly affected my appetite. I can’t skip meals anymore.”

Skipping meals in the first place wasn’t the best thing they could do, but they were both guilty of it. Edge was probably better at eating when he should than Stretch simply because of his upbringing, but that didn’t mean he had to be happy about the change.

He sucked in a breath and let Edge slip away from him, tucked his legs up under himself and wrapped the blanket more securely around his shoulders as he listened to Edge moving around in the kitchen.

When Edge came back, he had a plate with two sandwiches cut into squares and what would probably qualify as a fruit salad piled beside them.

“i’m sorry,” Stretch said mournfully.

“For what?” Edge asked, his tone betraying his honest surprise at the apology. “It’s hardly your fault that I’m hungry.”

Oh, but it was. Well, it was at least half his fault. Probably.

He couldn’t say that. Edge would abandon his food to comfort him again, and Stretch couldn’t bear that guilt. Instead, he kept himself quiet as he watched Edge eat.

Edge didn’t turn on the TV. Instead, he sat beside Stretch in silence and occasionally reached out stroke a gloved hand gently along his blanket-covered arms or to pat lovingly at his knees. He made a point to offer a bite of something every so often, a strawberry or a piece of sandwich, even a juicy chunk of fresh plum. Stretch declined every time.

Once he was finished eating, Edge went back to the kitchen to wash up. It wasn’t long before he appeared back at the side of the couch.

“Are you tired, love?” he asked, stroking his fingers gently over Stretch’s skull.

He was, he realized. He was extremely tired from everything, and all he wanted to do was go to sleep so he could wake up to a second chance and do it right that time. He wanted to ensure Edge’s happiness.

Instead of saying any of that, he just nodded and stood up. Edge took the blanket and folded it in half before draping it across the back of the couch. He then took Stretch’s hand and led the way up the stairs to their bedroom.

In the first few weeks after Edge started to show, they’d started a tradition of spending a few moments each night talking to their baby. They’d lay down together, often after making love, and Stretch would watch with growing fascination as Edge’s fingers grazed over his bright crimson magic. He would reach out and touch, sometimes twining their fingers together as they talked about possibilities and made plans.

Stretch felt so dumb tonight as he slipped into bed and realized they hadn’t done that in almost two weeks. The last few times that they had done it, Edge had seemed too tired to say or do much, but Stretch had chalked it up to Edge actually being tired.

He watched as Edge changed into his pajamas, then walked over and slid into bed beside him. He half expected his husband to roll over and go to sleep without so much as a goodnight kiss, but Edge surprised him by wrapping his arms around him and pulling him close.

“Stretch...You know you can talk to me, don’t you? About anything, any time?” Edge pressed a kiss to his forehead. “That hasn’t changed. That will never change.”

It was his not-so-subtle way of asking what was wrong. Stretch didn’t know what to say. Whatever reasons Edge had for hiding his feelings would disappear the moment Stretch brought it up, and they’d both be forced to face choices they probably weren’t ready to make yet. At least, Stretch wasn’t ready. He didn’t want to think about how much Edge secretly wanted to leave.

“Love?”

As Edge’s arms tightened around him, he realized he was shaking again.

“You know I won’t force you to talk to me. You know that normally I would wait until you’re ready to speak, if you choose to speak at all.” He was silent for a moment, and Stretch could tell he was only choosing his next words carefully.

“But something is telling me that this isn’t your typical episode. I can’t explain it, love, but...please tell me what I can do to help you.”

“i don’t know,” Stretch finally confessed. “i love you so much, edge. you know that, right?”

Edge’s hands began gently stroking him, petting and massaging at his spine and shoulders. “Of course I know that, Stretch,” he said gently. “And I love you, too. Can you tell me what’s wrong?”

Stretch sucked in a deep breath. He truly wasn’t ready for this, but he supposed his time was up. Instead of pulling away, however, he cuddled as close as he could and made sure to press a loving kiss to his husband’s mouth before he said anything. Edge returned the kiss, deepening it briefly.

“i saw you today. the you that you’re hiding from me.”

Edge’s brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”

Feeling like he was going to lose his tender grip on stability, Stretch once again pulled in a deep breath. “i mean i saw how you looked like you regret every life choice you’ve made since we decided to have a kid.”

He half expected Edge to deny it or to pretend he didn’t know what Stretch was talking about. Instead, he was silent, his eyelights downcast as if staring at Stretch’s chest.

“babe, i understand if--”

“No,” Edge interrupted. “You don’t understand. You can’t possibly understand, and I’ve been terrible at communicating with you.” He looked up then, and Stretch’s soul only felt worse at the look of fear in Edges’ eye lights.  

“please don’t leave me,” he begged. “whatever it is, we can work through it, right?”

He knew he was only delaying the inevitable, but he couldn’t help it. He loved Edge so, so much, and now he loved that baby, too, and he couldn’t give either one of them up.

Edge pulled him up close, his arms tightening almost painfully. “I’m not going to leave you,” he whispered against his skull. “I love you, Stretch, and I’m not going anywhere.”

For a long, silent moment, they just held each other in the darkness of their room. Edge pressed soft kisses to the side of Stretch’s skull, and in turn Stretch nuzzled his face against Edge’s shoulder.

“I’m...scared,” Edge finally confessed, his voice a whisper. “I’m scared of something I never once considered until it was too late.”

Stretch nodded and looked up enough to meet Edge’s eyes. “what are you scared of?”

Edge drew in a slow breath before speaking, his words hesitant. “I love you, you know that. I love you more than I ever dared dream possible.”

“yeah? that’s good, though, right?”

“Yes, that’s good. Growing up in Underfell...love like this didn’t exist there. Not between lovers, and I’ve seen parents sell their children to make ends meet. When you and I first got together, when I first realized that I loved you, I never dared hope that I could love you this deeply. But Stretch…”

He went silent again, his eyes closed tightly and his arms tightening once again.

“what is it, edge?” Stretch couldn’t keep the worry out of his voice if he tried.

“I’ve seen how parents love their children here, in this universe.” Edge voice was tight. Stretch knew that if he could, he’d be crying. “When I thought about having children, my thoughts were more on the things I could teach them, how I could help them to learn and grow into happy, healthy adults. I didn’t think about...Stretch, how am I going to love them? Children need more than guidance and steady care. I understand that now.”

For a moment, Stretch’s mind simply couldn’t wrap around this new information. Couldn’t adapt to this new perspective.

“They’re going to have love, I know that. You and Blue, probably even Sans and Papyrus. But what kind of life are they going to live when they realize that only one of their parents can genuinely love them?”

“edge…” Stretch wasn’t sure what to say for a minute. “baby, i…”

“I know,” Edge said lamely. “I know, and this is my fault. I’m so sorry, love.”

Stretch reached up to cup the side of his husband’s face, his thumb tracing carefully over his sharp teeth.

“baby, no. don’t be sorry; there’s nothing you need to apologize for. it’s gonna be okay.”

Edge blinked, his brow furrowing. “You’re not angry?”

“why would i be?”

“Because I talked you into having a child you didn’t even want only to tell you that I can’t love them.”

And right then, Stretch’s soul shattered. He understood so much more now, and the tears building in his sockets were as much for his husband as they were for himself.

“oh, edge, no…” He leaned in and kissed Edge, putting all of his love into it. Pulling back, he tried to smile. “it’s true that once upon a time i didn’t want kids. but i do now, and you didn’t talk me into wanting one either. being with you, loving you so much, changed my mind. i want this baby; i really do. but i want this baby with you. and...this is gonna take some time, i think, for you to see what i mean, but i think you’re wrong. i think you’re gonna be surprised by how much you love this kid.”

“But what if I can’t love them?”

Stretch’s smile became more genuine. “you can. even you have to admit that you’ll be able to love them a little bit.” He held up a hand, his thumb and forefinger held an inch apart. “and even if you do only love them a little bit, you also have to admit that you already care about them a lot. you’re right that kids need a bit more than just care and guidance, but let me tell you a thing about parents in this universe: they’re not perfect. no one is. but i have so much faith in you, edge. i know that you’re going to be a damn good parent.”

Edge nodded silently and hugged Stretch tightly again. Stretch wound his arms around Edge and held on, a little amazed at how the night had turned out so far.

“Thank you,” Edge whispered.

“always,” Stretch responded.

They snuggled closely for a while until Stretch’s sockets started drifting closed. He was out before Edge, falling asleep with the hope that Edge would feel better in the morning.

It appeared that Edge did feel better the next morning after their talk. After a few rounds of vigorous morning sex and a steamy shower, Edge was humming softly to himself as he made breakfast, lightly swinging his hips to whatever music was playing in his head.

Stretch had to admit he felt better, too. Both of their concerns had been unburied the night before, and Stretch knew all too well what it was like to live with a secret you felt like you couldn’t tell anyone. Even if Edge only ever told him about his concerns, at least he could vent them somehow.

-------------------------------

The last month of the pregnancy was spent preparing for the arrival of their baby.

They got the nursery all set up, Edge begrudgingly allowing both is brother and brother-in-law to pitch in when his stamina proved once again to be less than it used to be. Red mostly helped by misinterpreting the instructions of the furniture they were putting together while Blue did most of the actual work.

The closer the due date came, the more often Red would come by to check up. Stretch had to wonder what his thoughts were on loving his niece or nephew, but he never asked. It was honestly pretty evident in the way he insisted on triple checking that everything in the nursery was safe for a babybones. And then checking again for good measure.

Blue showed his love the way he usually did: by feeding Edge as often as he allowed it. Which, thanks to the baby taking up more and more of his energy, was turning out to be more often than Stretch would have guessed possible.

Sans and Papyrus also came by often to show their support and love for their family. Papyrus did a lot of the cleaning for Edge, a compromise he and Blue had come up with together, and Sans kept producing the most ridiculous baby outfits he could find.

Stretch was honestly pretty sure he was going to find the charred remnants of some of those outfits at the bottom of their fire pit in the backyard, but he figured Sans already knew that so he didn’t say anything.

When the day finally arrived, Stretch helped a hobbling Edge to the car and settled him in the backseat just as Red and Blue came out of a shortcut in the driveway. Blue shook his head to clear it, then walked up to Stretch and held out his hand. Stretch dropped the keys into his brother’s palm, then got into the car next to his husband.

Red and Blue had already been to war over who was going to drive Edge to the hospital. Stretch did feel bad that he couldn't do it, but Edge helped him get over it. Edge had also settled the driver debate, saying he’d much rather arrive safely and in one piece, therefore Blue was driving. Red had huffed and puffed, but ultimately agreed.

At the hospital, the process went quickly. Alphys was there to help out as well since skeleton pregnancies were not common and most doctors didn’t know what to expect with the actual birthing process.

Stretch held Edge’s hand, encouraged him and tried to help keep him calm with words of love and support.

And then his baby was there, all of his perfect little bones covered in Edge’s crimson magic. A quick scan of his soul showed a male predilection, so they wrapped him up in a little blue blanket before settling him in Edge’s arms.

“a baby boy,” Stretch cooed. They’d been waiting until he was born for the scan; they didn’t want to risk getting a mixed result through Edge’s magic. He leaned in and pressed a kiss to Edge’s sweaty forehead. “you did so good, babe.” He reached out and gently touched his baby’s tiny little skull. “he’s so precious.”

Edge nodded but didn’t say anything.

“Have you picked out a name?” one of the nurses asked.

Stretch smiled at Edge, who nodded. “Yes, his name is Cyperus.”

The nurse cooed. “That’s precious. He’s so cute. Are you about ready to let him get cleaned up?”

Edge paused for a moment before he nodded and reluctantly handed the baby back.

The doctors took the baby to clean him up and move Edge to a different room. As they moved, he took a second to text his brother that the birth went well and they could come see Cyperus now.

Red and Blue had both been certain that they would be the first uncle to hold the baby, but neither wanted to concede that there could only be one. Stretch was only a little nervous as they came into the room, expecting more arguing over baby-holding rights.

Instead, it seemed that they had worked themselves out. They both strode right up to the bed, but there was no snarling or growling.

“how’s the little ankle-biter?” Red asked, leaning over Edge with his hands in his pockets to get a better look. “aw, ain’t he cute?”

Blue held out his hands. “We decided that I get to hold him first.”

Edge raised a brow. “Is that so?”

Red nodded, and whatever Edge saw on his brother’s face seemed to take away all concern. His expression softened, and he carefully handed the baby bundle to Blue.

Both Red and Blue gushed over the tiny babybones for a while, then Red took his turn. Red held him awkwardly, and Stretch was impressed with the way he took direction from Blue. Despite Red having been the only one between the two with any actual baby-raising experience, it seemed Blue was the more experienced in recent baby-holding.

Eventually, Stretch was able to claim his baby back from his brothers. He held Cyperus gently, gave him a soft kiss on his little forehead, and marveled once again at how adorably perfect he was.

-------------------------------

Later that evening, laying in bed at home with Cyperus sleeping quietly between them, Edge let out a large sigh.

Stretch looked at him with a smile. “what is it?” he asked.

Edge smiled, so beautiful and content. “You were right.”

“about what?”

His mouth opened, but no answer came out. Instead, Edge clicked his mouth shut and sniffled. Despite that gorgeous smile, Stretch was worried.

“edge?”

“I didn’t think it was going to be possible, Stretch. I really didn’t. But I love him. I love him so much more than I can even say.”

Stretch immediately relaxed, his soul filling with gentle peace and overwhelming love at the same time. “i know what you mean. i loved him before he was born, but now? damn.”

Edge nodded. Neither of them said anything else. Instead, they laid together watching their baby sleep, hands clasped together.

In a while, they’d move Cyperus to his nursery and go to bed themselves, but for now, neither Daddy nor Papa could take their eyes off of their little miracle.

#my writing #spicyhoney #cyperus #a bit o' angst #hurt/comfort

[seenashblog]

Nash Watches & Rates Cheesy Hallmark Original Christmas Movies, So You Don’t Have To (2019)

This is the thing where I recap and rate cheesy Hallmark Christmas movies (mostly - if other channels do "original" holiday movies, like Lifetime, I may sneak those in there, too). This post will be updated with new entries as I go, all below the cut. I'm rating based upon The Cheesy Christmas Movie Bingo Card. Here it is, and feel free to use it for your own watching:

More quick clarification on ratings: 

When something's pulling in a 4 or 5 star, that means the Bingo only popped a few squares. When something's hitting at a 3, it's a handful of squares, maybe came in the ballpark of having a Bingo. The 2s mean definitely got a Bingo. The 1s mean anywhere from more than one Bingo to nearly filled the damn card. Outside of the card, stars can also get docked because of piss-poor writing, embarrassing acting, draggy flow, and shitty casting (read: lack of chemistry).

Put another way - 3 stars means they aren’t exactly a waste of time, 2 stars are debatable/up to personal taste, and of course 1 star means I will never get that time back and I’m that much closer to death because of the movie and what it drained from my soul.

Here's the 2018 list

And remember: never, EVER watch “My Christmas Love” 😉

Let’s roll. Most recent entries will be first.

#6

Once Upon A Christmas Miracle (Hallmark, 2018 - Brett Dalton, Aimee Teegarden - the latter of whom will make you think "I know someone who looks like her" because she looks like that girl you went to school with or worked with or was a friend of a friend, or maybe is a friend of yours - she's just got that look about her. My Aimee Teegarden's name is Jessica.)

This movie is infuriating.

Brett is a great actor, Aimee is serviceable, let's just get that out of the way. Matter of fact, you're not going to find any of the acting grating. Overall, everybody's fine.

Here's what you need to know: this is based on a true story, and that story is that a woman who needed a liver transplant gets a random donor (no one in her fam was a match apparently). And donor's this awesome dude, and they end up falling in love. Cool story, right?

Yeah, then Hallmark got their hands on it.

Everything is shmoop. Everything. The family (including the - way to go casting - sister who looks nothing like her, I mean NOTHING like her) is on Christmas like it's crack. Details include her hand-making wreaths, and oh by the way she does it for every holiday. Okay. Whatever. Some of us have more time on our hands than others. Look at me, I pause in housework to type this shit up when I could be doing said housework. It's all about priorities.

There's of course The Conflict, which is that he gets a job offer out of town. But before all that, he organizes a Christmas Eve party focused on fundraising for her because of the medical bills and because she won't go back to nursing school since money. Welcome to the USA, the only advanced, developed country on the planet where they don't consider investment in our populous as important as investment in, well, you pick. I'm furious. I'm also grinding my teeth over the gross medical inaccuracies in this one, but I won't go down that road or we'll be here all day. I bring that up because the thing upon which this story pivots is the medical issue, so some realism there is important so that we as the audience can understand the gravity of what they went through, the sacrifice he made for a stranger, why this bonded them, etc.

I hate this movie. I hate it. The family is insufferably perfect. It's so overblown it's unrealistic. And that wasn't needed - it's okay to show them stressed and worried, this is a big deal. But nope, they're just perfect. And she's perfect, everyone loves her, she's pretty and smart and sweet and EVERYONE LOVES HER. There's not one moment of her being, say, bitter and resentful  that she's having to go through this, and again - THAT'S NORMAL. Just some normalcy is needed to balance the "Wow!" of what happened which is that they ended up falling in love, because that truly is not the norm and is extraordinary.

So I got curious and wondered what, if any, of this - beyond what we know - was actually true. Okay: he and his motorcycle club did arrange a fundraiser. They did end up several doors down from each other at the hospital and would take their walks together (that's mandatory post-surgery, they want you up walking ASAP, just FYI). But here's what I was looking for: this didn't happen at Christmas. He overheard a coworker talking about a sick cousin in January 2015. The surgery happened in March. They started dating, and in July he actually asked her father for permission to ask her to marry him. And THEN at Christmastime, he proposed to her, which was the very last scene in the movie.

I guess what I'm getting at is, why couldn't this have just been a regular Hallmark movie at a random time of year. They made the focus Christmas instead of it being on Heather and Chris. They had an opportunity to dig in a little deeper than they usually do, they were handed a wonderful love story that was filled with a major REAL trial, and they blew it. They swapped true love and loyalty, for romance and fluff. Yeah, love and romance are on the Venn diagram together, but they ain't the same thing.

This can't be a 5 because it was so schlocky, not to mention because there were zero character arcs, our two leads were the exact same people at the end as they were at the beginning. I can't in good conscience make it a 4 because of what I've said above. But the production value was fine, the acting was fine, the script dialogue-wise was fine, and the pacing was fine. IT WAS FINE. You may be into this, but I was greatly disappointed, especially after learning about the material with which they had to work. So I have to drop it from a 3 to a 2. Be warned, though - if you google, everyone rates it off the charts. [shrugs]

2/5 stars

The Christmas Note (Hallmark, 2015 - Jamie-Lynn Sigler, Leah Gibson - the former of whom you better know, and the latter of whom is incredibly familiar to me - and there's also several other familiar folks, namely the guy who plays the lawyer who is a great actor and should be in more stuff)

Now, even though this isn't based on a true story it is a good example of how to dig into tough situations and allow people to be imperfect, along with elements of lightness and sweetness and happiness. (The next one does this well, too, but hang on let's knock this one out.) Both our leads - and thank god on high this isn't a romance for once - are excellent actors with great chemistry, so no worries there. This *is* a love story, however. Because not all love is kissing and sex and romance.

One more time for the people in the back: meeting someone and growing to love them is not always about sexy times and kissy face and shmoopy romance.

So here's the scoop, and I'm not looking up their character names: Jamie-Lynn, along with her son (who, despite being a good lil' actor, is mildly annoying, but it's the script, not him) has moved back to her small hometown and gotten a little house to be closer to her parents, because her army hubby got nearly blowed-up overseas and he's in the hospital recuperating enough to where it's safe for him to travel home. Next door lives Leah who seems stand-offish at first but it's just because her life is basically work-home-work-home, wash-rinse-repeat. They start to get to know each other because this dude shows up and knocks on Jamie-Lynn's door and is like "I can't get hold of your neighbor but her mom's died and she needs to come clean out the apartment, like, yesterday." Jamie-Lynn goes with her to do it, being all - Nobody should have to go through this alone - and Leah accepts the offer, because this is gonna be hard, and double-hard because due to a falling out, she hadn't talked to her mom in like 10 years. They end up finding a letter her mom left her, and in part of it, she tells that before Leah was born she gave up a child for adoption. That's it. No other leads.

And after Jamie-Lynn and various folks around town encourage her, Leah decides she'll make effort to find her sibling, and Jamie-Lynn helps, and as they follow up on various things in mom's possessions, they get closer and closer, and end up becoming friends. There's no silly misunderstandings as excuse to farm emotion - there's just actual emotion because jesus, did you read what this plot is?! Nothing is smothered by shmoop and nobody is shoving Christmas spirit up your ass. Nobody's family is perfect (you know the scoop on Leah, and as far as Jamie-Lynn's, turns out husband may not make it home for Christmas, and her parents are divorced and slightly cantankerous), so again - it's keeping grounded in the midst of what's about to be a (kind've) fantastical ending.

Skip beyond the next divider if you don't want to be spoiled.

While they don't look alike, they do both have dark hair and dark eyes (I can't tell if maybe some dark hazel is happening, but their eyes ain't blue and brown is my point). And note the way they occasionally part their hair (far to one side), the way they'll occasionally move in sync (standing from chair, for instance), similar style purses and coats. You may've guessed the ending - and it was mentioned early on though not heavy-handed that Jamie-Lynn is adopted - but Jamie-Lynn is Leah's older birth half-sister. And of course, husband makes it home for Christmas.

The only thing - and I mean THE only, even the music is on point - I would've changed about this (but it's based on a book, so Hallmark couldn't, so I guess I'm critiquing the author) is that I'd have made it that the husband is her older half-brother. So that when he gets home on, say, Christmas Eve the lawyer could've shown up at the house being like "Sorry if I'm intruding but my contact at blah-blah-blah agency came through, I just read the documents, and you have to know this right away", etc. Otherwise, this movie is solid, top to bottom. I would give it a 4 vs a 5 because it is highly, highly, HIGHLY improbable that they'd be neighbors. Better for them to have met via work or at the coffee shop or something. But let me tell you, the thing that puts this over the top? In the scene where they find out the truth, they nail it. In lesser hands (including the lawyer actor), this would've failed and ruined the entire movie. Instead, it actually made me a little teary-eyed.

5/5 stars

The Santa Con (Lifetime, 2014 - the very stacked cast of: Barry Watson, Melissa Joan Hart, Melissa Sagemiller, Jaleel White, Scott Grimes, Wendy Williams, Alimi Ballard, John Ratzenberger - every single one of whom you'll recognize or know right off the bat)

Lifetime does this better than Hallmark, and tenfold: casting. And this is a drama vs. a romance, but they all nail it. It helps that the director was Melissa Joan Hart, and I'll put in my disclaimer here that I said last year....

I am slightly biased because Melissa is a friend of a friend (sister-in-law, specifically) and she is good people, a hard worker, and a smart cookie. She knows what roles she nails (sharp wit, no shmoop, strong chicks), so that’s what projects she and her mother choose (they produce most everything Melissa’s in), she stays in her lane, is my point, so if you agree with that assessment, then you’re good to go, this is classic Melissa Joan Hart fare.

Except this time? It's not exactly her typical fare, but it's just as solid. Here's the basic summary, and I'm not going too far down the road because with all those characters, as you can imagine, there's lots of back-and-forth as far as who's interacting with whom at a given point. So Barry plays a conman who finally landed himself in prison but he charmed the warden (Ratzenberger) and the board and gets parole. His goes to live with his sister (Hart) and we meet his fellow conman buddy (White), and the job he gets is part-time gig as a Santa at the mall (sister has a shop there). He is just going through the motions, and he promises this kid - the only bit of poor casting, IMO, but kid actors are six of one, half dozen the other - that his wish of his parents being back together will come true (Sagemiller and Grimes).

Problem: Grimes' character is an alcoholic, and the kid finally gets an eyeful and quits being pissed at his mom for the separation when dad shows up absolutely lit to the school play. In any event, Barry feels like he needs to make good on the promise somehow because he feels guilty and he insinuates himself into their lives (I am absolutely going blank how, sorry), and he at least wants to give Grimes a fighting chance at being reunited with his family (Sagemiller says she would totally take him back if he got the drinking issue taken care of because she genuinely loves him, she just can't tolerate that shit anymore). So Barry's doing things like helping Grimes get to AA and revealing that his boss at work took credit for his awesome idea (that, coupled with the drinking, is why he got fired if memory serves, I'm writing this post-movie).

There's one angle that irritates me - the issue with Grimes shouldn't have been alcoholism. That's a tough topic to tackle, and I don't know that a Lifetime Christmas movie is the place to do it. I didn't mind him coming drunk to the play, I think that would've been in line with him being, broadly, Mr. Fuck Up. Like losing his job - we learn that the reason is because his idea was stolen, but from her perspective it's part of his pattern. And maybe he kept missing things he'd promised to do with the kid. Whatever, fill in all those blanks. In addition, it irks me that Sagemiller's romantic choices here are a felon and an alcoholic. Are all felons bad? No. Are all alcoholics bad? No. Because people vary. My point is, both of their lives are messy at this moment and they need to work on themselves before involving another person and her kid. Barry's also been lying to her this whole time, and regardless of the good intentions (and that's debatable, his reasons, at one point), it's still a bunch of deception.

But I have to give credit where credit's due. It's a very original plot, both the writer and Hart did a great job balancing it out and keeping it streamlined to the degree that they could, and, again, I cannot praise the casting enough. Because there is a distinct lack of shmoop, and because there's some humor, and because the pacing was on point, and because I think it maybe hit 2 squares on the card if that, I deem this not even close to being a waste of your time. Like I say, there's just that thing that I feel like could've been better, but it's kind've a big thing, so I gotta ding for it. I'll say this, though: seeing Urkel and Sabrina flirt cures a lot of ails.

4/5 stars

The Perfect Christmas Present (Hallmark, 2017 - Sam Page, who I recognize, and a gal called Tara Holt, whose parents should be popped upside the head for naming their child Terre Haute; I mean, unless they've got a real hard-on for Indiana, in which case you do you)

She's from Chicago (as in, grew up there) but then her mom moved them to L.A. (after dad died, so check dead parent box), but she's moved back to establish a charity there, and also because boyfriend lives there (I missed how they got together if she lived across the country). She wants to hold a charity event, and he helps arrange for a former client's historic home to be used for free. Pertinent info: he's essentially a personal shopper but his specialty is figuring out the perfect gif t for people (hence the subtle title ::sigh::) by getting to know them really well. My presumption is this usually happens by targeted questioning about said person via the client, the more obscure stuff, but I'm writing this after the fact so I can't be sure. But I get the impression it usually isn't - really, it can't be - direct interaction with the person themselves, because the surprise would be ruined. Unless he goes around being a lying liar all the time, and if there was a person - especially at the behest of a loved one - who integrated themselves into my life under false pretenses (read: anything other than they enjoy my company, I intrigue them, etc.) I would be both absolutely livid and absolutely crushed. We'll come back to this.

Side note: Let me tell you right now, re: former client - I love this chick, she is the highlight of the movie, the snark is real with her, she's upfront about the fact she's into our lead male, did I mention she's snarky? I liked her the minute she came on the screen, continued to like her up until her last scene (spoiler: no she's not a villain, she's just snark and if you don't like it, piss off).

Back to plot: basically, that's the "in" - she doesn't know that boyfriend hired him to figure out perfect present, all she knows is that this is boyfriend's old fraternity buddy who's a make-things-happen, got-connections-all-over sort of guy. And he's happy to help with the event, because that means he can use the opportunity of them working together to get info on her and essentially profile her - like for instance, when they were touring that house, when in kitchen, she snitches a macaroon (or one of those fat almond cookies from wedding showers with which I have a love-hate relationship), he makes a quick note of "sweet tooth".

Also to know, the relationship between her and boyfriend is struggling a little, so that's why he's going to the extra effort, and - spoiler alert - as I'm sure you've guessed he gets the shaft for his trouble. He's an okay guy, I guess, and I do give them props for not making him this complete dickhole or something, but with that comes the issue that you kinda feel shitty for him. On the other hand, it's only been a year and he's jonesing to get married and have kids, and she's like "Whooooaaaa". While I'm here, though, talking about secondary characters, I also have to shout out best friend who she's Skyping with off-and-on, she is dynamic and runs any scene they're in, every line is delivered realistically and casually, you feel like you're talking with a person in real life. Having said that? This is a weird, unneeded gimmick. Matter of fact, the character isn't needed at all, but if it had to be done then they should've just had her there, as the partner in the charity.

Regarding casting: it's cool that Terre Haute went into acting because she has these big, expressive eyes and I think it helps because she's not got an "it", if that makes any sense - as opposed to the ladies I mentioned above, there's not a dynamic presence, at least in this she's easily forgettable. Regardless of her character and dialogue, it's delivery that sells it, and while there's inflection and facial expressions (she's not flat, not at all), it still smacks of her just delivering lines. And that's fine! There's a need for actors who are on it and that the studio gets what they pay for, that they do what they're hired to do. My point is, she's serviceable and I think in a meaty role she could step up. He's great but also only serviceable in this particular movie, and I honestly don't know what else these two could've done - while the idea of the story is decently creative (though event planner - which he essentially is - has been done, and done better), it plays out as pretty much how you'd think. I'm typing this as I'm about an hour in, and here's my guess: Yes, she'll end up falling for him but she'll also be pissed when she finds out that he's been collecting facts on her, regardless of the reason. Also I predict that in rich gal's moves to get dude, she'll be the one to go "You know that he's stuck around because he's fallen for you, right? That this ain't about the gift anymore?" and be the one to give her a kick in the. At least, that's what I'd write.

Because the alternative is actually realistic, which is that she says what I said above: you ingratiated yourself under false pretenses, when we started having feelings for each other - or at minimum when we started being friends - you should've told boyfriend you couldn't help with the present anymore, and told me the truth. Period. End of story.

I'll leave it here, I think. Watch if you want to see how it ends - not that it matters, of course she ends up with him. And I gotta go with my gut, here, even though this doesn't hit a ton of bingo squares, not at all, but the issue is it's.... well, it's not dragging, the pace is decent, it's just.... well, it's boring. It's *shrug*. It's meh. There's just no spark to it. I can't justify giving it a "Don't miss this one!" type of rating. It's a "Maybe you'll enjoy it", "Not entirely a waste of time" sort of jam. Which makes me wonder why I wrote so much on this.... eh, I'm avoiding housework.

3/5 stars

Northern Lights of Christmas (Hallmark, 2018 - Ashley Williams, and that's the only cast that matters... besides, won't recognize anyone else)

Let it be said that anything with Ashley Williams, I'm giving a minimum of 3 stars. That's the lowest it can possibly get, merely due to her presence. She's a great actress, and I don't just mean by Hallmark standards, she should be in all the things, that's how magnetic and scene-stealing she is. No, I'm not her cousin or something. I've just yet to dislike her in anything I've seen her in, she even lit up the screen in How I Met Your Mother which going up against Alyson Hannigan and Cobie Smulders and Jason Segel (I don't mention the guy that played Ted because beyond not liking the character, I will never understand that casting).

Now, stay with me, here. Because this is one of the more ridiculous summaries on one of these things (and by "things" I mean Hallmark and/or Lifetime Christmas movies, AND I MEAN IT WITH LOVE OF COURSE) that I've seen. *clears throat*

"Zoey has been working hard to own her own plane but everything changes when she inherits a reindeer farm."

If you're anything like me, my What The Fuck radar shot right up. The story is she's left a reindeer farm/ranch by the old man who taught her how to fly who has, obviously, died. And by "farm/ranch", I mean 2 reindeer and y'all, again, huge props when Hallmark bothers to have real animals on these farms and ranches they make their settings, double points when the characters interact with them. So by flying, they mean Cessna-type planes, though we're about 25 minutes in and I've seen no plane. Anyway, she lives in Seattle now (our setting is Alaska) and is a commercial pilot but as summary says, she wants her own. For crop dusting? I have no idea why, they don't really say (or haven't yet) if it's for personal reasons or a new career venture.

Ashley - and I won't be calling her by her character's name in any of these, get used to it - meets the live-in handyman/animal tender/etc. person who is a real pill. Like, he's not exactly rude but I'd just call him brusque and blunt. He initially wants to quit even though he's paid through the winter, but she convinces him to say explaining she needs him to be a partner of sorts, help her decide who she should sell the place to. Ashley grows on him when he sees that even though she had to move away, she genuinely cared about Gus and his wife (the dude who died and his wife who had died prior) and the farm/ranch (they call it both dunno why I think ranch suits better) and that she's a hard worker.

Gus and wife were beloved by the town, and they did it up right at Christmas - part of the barn where the reindeer aren't chillin' is filled with decorations, most notably a sleigh, and it's not lost on me that they're way up north, there's reindeer, there's that sleigh, and he taught her to fly. I mean, "Gus" and not "Kris" or "Nick", but we'll see where this is going. Oh, also? Wife had a box of recipes that Ashley's best friend (whose hubby is the son of the cranky man who owns the local hang-out diner, Americana-type restaurant in town, the menu of which she's always trying to nudge him to add new things) was dying in particular to find a certain cookie recipe that everybody in town loved because she's always wanted to know how to make them. Sounds like Mrs. You-Know-Who To Me. But again, not enough info, I'm writing this as I go, but I tell you I almost don't want it to turn out as that, I like the inference much better. May dock a star if they go full-court-press You Know Who.

I'm eating homemade soup for breakfast because it's getting really nippy here, and there's no oatmeal. I just felt the need to share this with you. I mean, it's hella awesome soup, I'm a good cook. I heated it up during the part where she's going around telling people she's doing up the old Christmas festival like it used to be, the one Gus and wife would host at the ranch. Her angle is, she wants to attract the right sort of people as buyers, people who get the small town mentality and want to keep the ranch essentially the way it is, and people are pumped and excited about the booths they'll have and the food and the post-fair barn dance, and I got bored. Not painfully bored, just wishing-they'd-speed-this-up bored. Put it this way: I was able to make coffee and walk the dog and flip the stove on and heat up said soup whilst only needing to pop in to look at the TV to make sure I hadn't missed something. I hadn't. I get it's necessary, I just think it could've been montaged instead of introducing us to a bunch of side characters by name and hearing what they're gonna do, all we need is showing us their faces during montage, then we'll see them and what they're doing at the fair. Because they're inconsequential to the story. This is classic Hallmark padding runtime when it's simply not needed, not everything has to take up a 2 hour time slot.

Hey, if you want good soup, go on and cook the veg you'll be adding a little more than halfway, and *then* add it to your base, which should consist of some water, yeah, but either beef broth or chicken broth (or I guess veg broth, but gross), your choice, and the other trick is to set it on low and go about your day, homemade soup's better when left to do its own thing over time. I've digressed.

Ah, charter flights. That's what she plans on doing. She mentions it because she's calculating how much she's invested getting stuff up to speed and cost of festival. We've still yet to see Gus' plane. Also, I don't care much for the leading man, he's Dollar Store Brett Dalton (Ward from Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.) and if you're familiar with Dalton, I'm telling you that all you'll be thinking is "Damn, Brett Dalton would've cleaned up in this role", because this dude's a bit flat. Dalton's been in one of these cheese Christmas movies, too, so the chance is there; matter of fact, he should be either above or below this in one of the other recently reviewed. I can't be bothered to look for the title. None of this matters, moving on.

We see them ride his motorcycle together to go out to the local airport - mainly cargo and quick charters and such - and wouldn't ya know it, the dude that owns/runs it is retiring at the end of the month. Hmmm, wonder where that's going. And I also wonder if this is where the plane Gus flew came from, if he picked up work there, too. If it's been said, I've missed it. Anyway, owner needed her because his dude is sick or something and he says it's 6 towns, mail delivery gig, she is jazzed because as she says "This is the longest I've been on the ground in a long time". Our co-lead doesn't like to fly but he does like to take pictures, so that's how she sells him on coming with her to deliver the stuff.

Kinda like You-Know-Who. Ahem.

Kudos to Hallmark for (a) not going with shitty FX folks, re: the greenscreen for when they're in the cockpit, and (b) for some nice aerial shots of somebody flying a plane. The aurora/northern lights effect also ain't bad. I mean, if you've seen photos of it, it almost looks fake anyway because it's one of those too-good-to-be-true natural occurrences that shouldn't be that vivid. It's like reverse of animal camouflage, I'm thinking specifically of octopi (apparently you can say octopuses now and it's acceptable, but it's not in this house) and if you've not seen that, get yourself to You Tube and get ready to be shocked at those undersea aliens. We've (okay I've) digressed again.

There's a moment of her reminiscing about Gus, but it's short, and this is when our leading dude learns she's gonna be going to Florida to be with her parents for Christmas, and I like this for two reasons: one, these pseudo-dead parents have only been brought up once in a sorrowful way, people have been focused on remembering the good times, and second, she's not leaving because she gives no shits about Christmas and is gradually learning to love it or the usual garbage, nor is she being called away for some career-related thing, it's a legit, understandable reason. Neither of those are getting a bingo square, because even though they may skirt the line, they're being done well.

All right, I'm not going to tell you the ending, because you should put it on your list. As whack-a-doo as the summary has it sounding, they make it work. So because of good casting and a solid script and a unique premise and tied up something in a great way (and because I got ever-so-slightly teary-eyed at one point shut up), this one gets a score of....

4/5 stars

Here’s your 4-and-5 stars so far (in no particular order):

Trading Christmas - 5/5 stars Christmas In The Air - 5/5 stars Mingle All The Way - 5/5 stars The Christmas Card - 5/5 stars The Christmas Note - 5/5 stars Fir Crazy - 4/5 stars Small Town Christmas - 4/5 stars Switched For Christmas - 4/5 stars The Christmas Contract - 4/5 stars Rocky Mountain Christmas - 4/5 stars Christmas A La Mode - 4/5 stars Northern Lights of Christmas - 4/5 stars The Santa Con - 4/5 stars

#5

Christmas A La Mode (Lifetime, 2019 - Katie Leclerc who I've never seen before in my life but who is quite good in this, and  Ryan Cooper who is really hot depending on the angle, that's the best way I can explain it)

Let me be clear: the *only* reason I am watching this is for y'all. Well, and I'm mending dog toys and need something to semi-stimulate my brain. The title is incredibly off-putting, it's too sweet right out of the gate. But I shall give it a chance.

Your basics are that a dairy farm was left to two sisters by their deceased father and the farm's been in the fam for several generations. Older sister has long since been in the city and sounds like she's some sort of real estate flipper (acquisition, buff up, then sell) because she and her partner, Sometimes Hot Guy (who frequently drops his American accent), are going to sell the farm to a dairy corporation... well, that's what we're told. Put a pin in that, shiftiness comes up later unnecessarily. Anyway, the agreement has a provision that one sister can buy out the other's shares and fully own, so little sis has to raise a hefty six figures in a short amount of time. Older sis is a major dick; having said that, the farm has been circling the drain for awhile now, so she ain't totally out of line.

The summary I saw neglects to mention that they also own an ice cream parlor in town that's typically closed during the winter because of course it is. But, I mean, Baskin Robbins and fro-yo joints and Ben & Jerry's stay open year-round, and yup they bank in hotter months, but why not keep making money? Throwing out stock over, what, 4 months of slow time? Is just stupid. No wonder they're going under. But all right, we'll let that go. Anyhow, her plan is to get some money via opening the ice cream parlor and doing a little contest for people to submit their best Christmas-themed flavors, and she'll whip 'em up, people can try them, then vote on the winner and the winner gets a year of free ice cream. She also does a crowd-funding site.

The summary also neglects to mention (and this is okay, it's supposed to be a plot "oooh") that business partner Sometimes Hot Guy is from the family who is essentially like Mrs. Fields or some shit. So there's this cute moment where her co-worker friend is like - You know, now that we are aware of this, we don't really need his recipe (he won't - and I guess, legally, can't - give it to her), we can just get them from the store. Yeah, co-worker. Yeah. But we can't have pie-baking scenes where she wipes flour off his cheek if they aren't in the same room together.

Oops, left out that part: the killer flavor is this pie he made for her mom mixed in with their vanilla and they call it, fuck my life, Christmas A La Mode.

Compliment: This actress is likely average size IRL (camera adding pounds and all, plus wardrobe didn't do her any favors on her lower half) but I mean in terms of body shape? She's built like a farm girl, she's got actual thighs and rosy, round cheeks, she's not some coathanger in skinny jeans up in there. I am applauding casting department wholeheartedly.... though they whiffed in that she and sis look *nothing* alike. Sis is discount Eva Green, and mom and leading lady are redheads. C'mon casting, just the hair color, that's all we're asking.

Issue: She's a really good actress, I was very pleasantly surprised. But initially there's something slightly juvenile about how she's playing this - "this" being determined to save the farm. She's kinda petulant and refusing to accept reality - and, I mean, maybe they save the farm now but with a disinterested sibling and a mother that's getting older, unless she cranks out some babies (read: farm hands) like, yesterday, I'm not quite sure how this is gonna be sustainable long-term.  (Granted she'll end up with incredibly wealthy pie guy, but I'm saying if she's a business owner, this is something she needs to learn.)

I'll tell ya this, talking about characterization, the gal playing the sister can flip a switch and play the cunt card like a dream, she's a scene-stealer, though my issue here is we have zero background on why she's ice queen about the farm save a mention that when they were little, she was always dying to leave farm life and go to the city. Right, fine, lots of farm kids I am sure feel this way, but why the vitriol? Why not sit down and be kind and explain the financial situation to her mom? Even if little sis is being a brat, why wouldn't she be kind to her mother? I'm fine with her being Bitchy Mc Cuntface, I just wanna know why.

Continuing from above about the pie - it's not just once, he tells her three separate times, and one of them vehemently (and then a follow-up of "You can't tell ANYBODY where these pies came from, say you found the recipe online or whatever") that he ain't telling her the recipe so she can make it herself. Which, I suspect this is gonna come back to bite her in the ass if it's not her original recipe. And it should be - anything they come up with needs to be theirs or else they owe $$$ to whatever the featured product is in a given flavor. So like, early on one of the flavors is Christmas Kiss and she comments that she unwrapped all the Hershey's kisses herself. Well sugarsnap I hope you have some sort of blanket licensing agreement because that ain't cool. You can buy other company's ingredients, of course, but when it's the core of it, the key feature of it, you're in trouble. That's why if a product's "cincher" revolves specifically around another company's product, it'll be noted clearly with a "C" copyright or "TM" or whatever, because that company is - and should be - getting a kick off the profits.

I bring this up because this is an excellent opportunity for a plot point - unless they partner with the pie company or get direct permission (and no, random son saying it's cool matters nothing to a board of directors) then they're out of line. An interesting storyline would be if sister finds out and threatens her that she has to stop or it's gonna mean big legal probs for Sometimes Hot Guy so if she doesn't want that, needs to let sis sell the farm. Then of course Sometimes Hot Guy comes in and says "Hey meet my dad, he owns the company and not only does he give permission but he's investing by way of making up the difference of whatever sum's left over so she can buy you out, Dollar Store Eva Green."  They've not given us any real reason to empathize with our villain of the story so go whole hog, keep her the villain.

All in all, we've ticked a good handful of squares, but we're not in danger zone, miraculously. And even though it ticked the farm box, I have to give compliments that for once one of these stories involving a farm has actual animals shown and the characters interacting with them. The side friend character is also fantastic, I wish I could see her in more stuff, she was great. I know I was nitpicky about the stuff I didn't like (and my resolution is close to the ballpark of what they end up doing.... my tweak is more interesting #humbly), so overall my non-nitpicky complaints are that (a) Sometimes Hot Guy is hit-or-miss with his acting, and (b) the ending scene is fine but they tack on this weird post-end scene that completely takes you out of the moment and is wholly unneeded. But because this was a creative attempt at a unique plot and - above all - our leading lady sells the shit out of it, the score is.....

4/5 stars

Rocky Mountain Christmas (Hallmark, 2017 - Lindy Booth who is great across the board, Kristoffer Polaha who I swear I've seen in something non-Hallmark but I'm not looking it up, and Treat Williams who is and has always been a solid actor)

Let's get the tropey-ness out the way: the bingo boxes this ticks are as follows - family home in danger of being lost; character(s) not really into Christmas for reasons; town festival/celebration; dead parent(s); somebody's famous; somebody owns a ranch; playing in the snow; I stopped counting but I think that’s all.

Lindy is an interior designer and is back home on the horse ranch not only because she had a bad breakup that was really public (a Zuckerberg-esque computer dude who broke up with her for an actress) but it's good because also turns out uncle (who, with his wife, raised her and brother after their parents basically dumped them) has been growing increasingly bummed missing his wife who died recently, and he's gonna sell the ranch. Now this famous dude shows up (I refuse to type "Kristoffer" continuously) and he wants to stay at the ranch and learn the life and horses and whatever for an upcoming movie role, and uncle and brother are actually cool with it even though she's all "Ehhhh..." understandably. But props to them, they do it right, he's put to work and has to stay in the bunk house and the whole nine yards, they ain't just having him follow them and observe or whatever.

She also makes it part of the deal that he's gonna help her finish getting the Christmas parade organized - and by the way, this isn't because she's a Christmas fanatic, it's because her aunt did it every year and she's doing it in her stead. And he is good natured about it, and is happily taking pictures with fans while they're out running errands and afterwards giving them flyers and being like "Here's a couple more, share with friends, you better come!" etc., and basically using his celebrity for good - he also combos it with getting donations at the same time when he gives the streetside bell-ringing Santa a coffee break,  and I genuinely liked this little touch, these are the touches that these canned movies miss that endear us to characters by showing us who they are, not telling us who they are.

The only part that really made me roll my eyes hard in terms of plot is that Lindy's brother (and good casting here, they click really well and are believable as bro and sis) happens to have dreams of being a Hollywood stuntman in the field of horses. Oh and also, their mom was an actress (not Hollywood, I mean working actress). It's just a little too much, we got the point that she's meh on Hollywood types given what she just went through, and the second you hear about brother's deal it's like "Yup, Actor Dude's gonna learn cool shit from him and then he'll get him work on the upcoming movie." I mean, duh. It's overkill. It's fine if it was like - Hey you have taught me so much, have you ever thought about trying to be a stuntman? I'd recommend you, etc. And it was definitely unneeded for the mom part. It's like: we got it. Really. And the songs used (2 if memory serves) are grating, to me, at least but you may disagree.

Otherwise, this is a unique story to my knowledge and the production value is good, and kudos to them for doing a ranch vs. a tree or poinsettia farm, and they actually got horses and had the actors riding/interacting with them - some of these other movies say they're a farm and there's not an animal to be seen and it's fucking weird. So lotsa props in this respect. Also great is that the rando pseudo-girlfriend is actually just a nice person, she's not fake, though I will say this part of the plot is hamfisted and not needed, it just served as a tiny divide between them, that she's shown up wanting to have a real relationship with him (it was a publicity thing, them being together), when the divide of her being gunshy about being with a celebrity was already there, it was fine, the writers didn't need to add anything else. (And also, she seems to care not one flip that he's spending more time with Lindy than herself, and on top of that she is way more into the brother anyway. ???? Ya got me.)

On the whole, this one's really good, it's not a waste of your time, most all the dialogue felt natural and even if shaky it was delivered naturally, everybody's acting is solid across the board, he's not a douche, she's not a bitch, and most importantly your two romantic leads have chemistry, and they got to know each other gradually, and she wasn't all starstruck so if you're into this particular trope and wanna see it done well, then check this one out.

4/5 stars

Matchmaker Santa (Hallmark, 2012 - Lacey Chabert, two basic bitch white dudes, an old man playing Santa who can't act, two really good character actresses who've each been in a lot of stuff, Florence Henderson who I just love seeing in anything, and John Ratzenberger who played Cliff on Cheers and who is a breath of fresh air in this stupidity)

Yup, stupidity. You heard me. This is somehow about the third time I've caught it, so I'm giving in. Boy howdy, does it suck.

Surface area irritation: Everybody's hair is from the 90s. I hated 80s hair but at least it had distinct style; the style of 90s was nobody had any idea what the hell they were doing, particularly when it came to styling and color. Our lead guy's haircut doesn't suit him and is too gelled and sticky-outy in the front (and second lead male, the cut suits him but same with gel and purposeful cowlick look), then Lacey's looks like Helen Keller did the color (at least when she's standing in certain light).

Here's some summary according to googlings because I'm not taking the effort:

As a little girl, Melanie Hogan wished to find her own Prince Charming, just like her parents found true love. Now an adult, Melanie is running her own bakery and dating a handsome CEO, Justin. Although things seem perfect when Justin asks Melanie to spend the holidays together at his beautiful lake house upstate, and meet his mother, Melanie finds herself spending more time with Justin's best friend and loyal assistant, Dean, who just might be harboring a secret crush on her. When complications arise that throw Melanie and Dean together over the holiday, will the two realize they're meant to be?

They get thrown together because best bud went to pick her up from airport, they run into Santa along the way and give him a ride, the car breaks down in a little town that's en route back to the lake so they stay the night. They then have to share a room :::sigh::: And of course as movie goes on, boyfriend is more concerned about anything but her though I will say he's not acting particularly dickish, it's more that he invited her for a romantic evening then planned this party to essentially introduce himself to the board of directors and also to spring introducing her to his (difficult, bitchy) mom all in the same weekend and didn't bother to tell her that the plans had changed. Also in a convoluted turn, his high school girlfriend is the daughter of the head of the board and his mom absolutely loves her, and honestly? She's better suited for him than ol' Lacey is anyway, they click better.

Lacey Chabert, IMO, is not a good actress because she plays the same character in everything she's in (excepting Gretchen Weiners in Mean Girls), and that character is - I have to assume - Lacey Chabert. I mean she's fine in the sense of she isn't a talking stick, there's tone and inflection and actual facial expressions and all that, I'm saying that with the exception of Mean Girls I've never not been like "Yeah that's Lacey Chabert", I've never forgotten it's her. But I mean at least people know what they're gonna get when they hire her. Thing is, I've seen her in several of these movies now and I gotta say, if she's had chemistry with *any* of her male leads, I've yet to notice.

Bottom line: this story is just dumb. It's basic. There's nothing creative or noteworthy about it. Person makes Christmas (or birthday or falling star or New Year's or what-fuck-ever) wish when they were little and now it's coming true, and here comes romance. We've seen this and iterations of this a thousand times. Add in tropes, stir, bake at 350 til gold and bubbly. It is obvious nobody tried - except the Santa man, he tried, but he's ill-cast so oh, well. Flo Henderson and Ratzenberger ain't in it enough to help it skate by on charm. The pacing is bad, too, at an hour in we've only just gotten to the hotel.

Let me give you an example of how stupid this movie is: When boyfriend and old prom date are walking outside to leave to take her car to go pick them up from small town (where, by the way, they are presently dressed as elves and helping Santa I shit you not), glitter-shiny-whoosh-fade-in, it's a grizzly bear by the car growling, because ooooooh Christmas magic. I'm not against "magic" in these movies but can we be a little more subtle? I have no idea how the quality/old school actors got roped into this trash.

Also? If you make it to the end? The final scene is possibly one of the worst, most ridiculous, most implausible (yes, even for this movie) things I've ever witnessed in these movies. It gets a star for the good side character casting. 

1/5 stars

A Crown For Christmas (Hallmark, 2015 - Danica McKellar, other people)

The plot's what you think, re: see title.  He's a king, she's the nanny to precocious princess child. They have negative levels of chemistry, it's that bad.

As discussed last year, something's happened in the time since Wonder Years, and Danica McKellar absolutely positively cannot act. There was one exception (again, see last year) but that's one out of like, a half-dozen of these Christmas movies I've seen - or have *tried* to see - with her in them. 

This movie isn't worth a write-up, it's seriously that bad. The kid does remind me of a young Lindsay Lohan circa Parent Trap, and the guy playing the king is an okay actor. Problem is, the character of the king is a real bitch pussy. I hate this movie, even the sets and costumes look cheap. Ugh. Seriously, don't bother, it is garbage. 

0/5 stars

The Christmas Contract (Lifetime, 2018 - Hilarie Burton, Dannnnnnneeeeeeeeeel Ackles guest starring botox, a dude called Robert Buckley who seems familiar, apparently fourteen other people from an old-ass teen show called One Tree Hill which I never watched, Cheryl Ladd, Bruce Boxleitner, and Jason London who you will not recognize even a little, and you'll see this movie and think I'm wrong, and I'm not wrong, I swear it's Jason London, he's the brother in law, look it up)

I avoided this one last year for Reasons, but upon catching it again, it cannot be denied.

First, the ticked boxes: there's a Christmas festival. Pretend to be my boyfriend. Lots of Christmas activities. Someone is a lawyer. Someone is an author. Character demonstrates a talent.

Basically dude agrees to go with Hilarie back home and act like her boyfriend - they literally sign a literal contract - and while he's at it, he's supposed to be working on a ghostwriting assignment about romance wherein he's given a list of plot points and told that the characters have to tick off every item on the list. But he feels a little lost about how the scenes should play out so he starts sneaksy playing them out with Burton under the guise of "Hey we need to make this look good for everyone".  There's an ex boyfriend who reveals the plan, which, you know, whatever, by this point they're genuinely into each other, but it's when she finds out that he's essentially using her for a book plot, she understandably gets pissed.

I will give 'em this: no one went bugfuck crazy with affecting super thick Creole accents or something. And minus Ackles and some of the randoms (Ackles in particular cannot act in a natural manner to the point it's distracting in any given scene), everybody can act. Burton especially deserves to be in higher caliber stuff. And she and the lead dude have solid chemistry. She has chemistry with everybody, honestly, she's just a good actor, period. Well, at least in this, it's not like I've seen her in tons of stuff. But I recall liking her in White Collar. Okay, I digress.

Irksome is that music is a featured artist so I don't know if this is another friend of theirs from that old show, or something? If so then hey, meta. But his music plays a couple times, then they even have him in person at the festival or whatever it is, and we get to hear him sing "live" and so that all takes up precious minutes we'll never get back. I mean, he can carry a tune and all, it's just that it's basic bitch music. And he actually pimps his album, it's awkward. Now, I will say the score itself though is overall great, really a step up from the usual fare in these movies. They do have a moment where she is supposedly playing fiddle and it looks horrible. I don't care if she can play in real life (I'm not looking it up), the way it was filmed, then, made it look as if she can't, and I don't know why they did this, it was completely unnecessary.

There's some schlock (especially the end), and family's just a hair too far on the shmoop side, but it's not intolerable. Also good is that Ackles' screentime is limited. I can't express enough what a poor actor she is, but again, as I've said about others, this is a prime example: if you dream of becoming an actor, someone has hired this person and therefore you can get hired, too. Here's the thing: it is such a shitty plot, so lazy. This is one of the granddaddies of all the tropes. I mean, the official summary doesn't mince words--- "It’s Jolie’s first time going back home to Louisiana since her devastating break up with Foster . Seeing him is inevitable as their parents run the town’s annual Christmas Market together, but when she discovers Foster is bringing home a new girlfriend, Jolie cannot bear the thought of going home alone and seeing them together." ---so you can't say you didn't know what you were getting into.

But.

And I can't believe I'm saying this.

Minus a slightly stilted kick-off the pace is even, the chemistry of the leads (+ with her family) is there, they elevate some dialogue that in other hands could've been clunky, we've got a unique setting that isn't fucking Vermont and snowing (blessedly this means we have no awkward snowball fights and snowman making and pine tree cutting down and snow angel making and ice skating), they show her making hot chocolate but there's no big gingerbread cookie making scene so that's refreshing, and nobody is like coked-up elves about Christmas, they dig it, they run a fair at this time of year, but no one's foaming at the mouth over it.

I do have to dock it stars because of the music thing and because of the premise of it - we could've gotten to this same place differently, re: these 2 people who don't really like each other needing something that the other can provide without it having to do with the chick being insecure over another guy. On the other hand? Burton doesn't play it insecure, she is not weepy or looking longingly at the ex or what-have-you, she's actually dodging him for the most part. Because of that, I'll give a star back. And if they'd not done the hamfisted music thing with that guy it'd probs be 5. In any event, the ending was pretty damned good and creative.

4/5 stars

Here’s your 4-and-5 stars so far (in no particular order):

Trading Christmas - 5/5 stars Christmas In The Air - 5/5 stars Mingle All The Way - 5/5 stars The Christmas Card - 5/5 stars Fir Crazy - 4/5 stars Small Town Christmas - 4/5 stars Switched For Christmas - 4/5 stars The Christmas Contract - 4/5 stars Rocky Mountain Christmas - 4/5 stars Christmas A La Mode - 4/5 stars

#4

Fir Crazy (Hallmark, 2013 - Eric Johnson and Sarah Lancaster, both of whom I've liked in non-Hallmark stuff and both of whom are good actors, and Colin Mochrie who is typically a delight but is miscast here)

I could've sworn we did this one last year but nope.  Anyway, out of the gate we're kickin' it on the bingo card: somebody isn't into Christmas, family owns a tree farm, family business in danger of being lost, precocious children - but it doesn't tick too terribly many.

So she gets laid off from her big city exec job but it is kind've fortuitous because her parents' prime time for the family business is upon the horizon, because Christmas, and because they have a tree farm upstate (we're in NYC). Since she's got free time, she calls a headhunter and is like "Holla when shit comes up" (a side plot we don't need, as well as smarmy ex-boyfriend, neither were needed, just have her lost job), as she has to run the tree lot in the city this year because for some reason the parents can't, I forget why, so it's basically her and her cousin (who is great) trading off staying nights in the trailer they've got parked next to this sidewalk area that the fam has had an agreement with the city to rent for a bazillionty years now.

Okay, so, the store next to where the sidewalk area is, is some accessories-furniture-type thing (Restoration Hardware-esque, but more expensive, but looks cheaper) and the owner is a real Scrooge. That's Mochrie's role, which is why I say he's miscast, and it's a shame. He should've been allowed to be in a fun role because I think the intent was for his character to be snarky-funny but it's just coming off as obnoxious, so it's not fun (though of course, this is a Hallmark movie, so he un-Scrooges by the end). But as far as good characters - there is this one little girl who is a hoot and the barista had me chuckle once, too.  Then we meet this great couple who bounce off each other well and are just completely wonderful and they come in at about 45 til the end and it's a shame they weren't utilized more. Actually all the side characters are great, from the homeless man who they hire to the manager of the store to the customers.

And your leads click, both in ease of convo and believability that they could be romantic, though only to about the 90% mark - I could see them as best friends more (it's one of the poorer kisses I've seen in romance movies, eeeek), but both are charming and likable and nothing is shmoopy. Seriously, there's no barfy shmoop in this movie, there's sweetness and sincerity. Plus, even though it's tree farm trope, this is creative. It's putting them smack in the middle of NYC instead of everybody being upstate. I say that to say, it's a mix of hometown (a "forest" as it were) and the city (though we're not subjected to the typical ice skating at Central Park and the like) and hey, I'm even gonna give it props for the title being only mildly eye-roll cutesy and ::gasp!!:: not having "Christmas" or "tree" in it.

Guys, this one's solid. The only thing that's not smooth is the store owner being a PITA angle, so it gets a touch grating, like, you know what's coming so you're more than ready for them to get on with it, but that's really the only thing that is a hitch in the pacing, otherwise this one is worth your time.

4/5 stars

The Nine Lives of Christmas (Hallmark, 2014 - Brandon Routh, Kimberley Sustad)

Official Summary: 

Fireman Zachary Stone (Routh) is a confirmed bachelor who doesn’t believe in love or commitment. When a stray tabby cat named Ambrose shows up at his door, Zachary takes him in and slowly starts to see that a little companionship might not be so bad after all. Zachary’s commitment to solitude is further challenged when he meets Marilee (Sustad), an animal lover and veterinary student who teaches Zachary how to care for his new feline roommate.

Nope.

1/5 stars, don't even need to see it, and that 1 star is because Brandon Routh is awesome

Welcome To Christmas (Hallmark, 2018 - Jennifer Finnigan, Eric Mabius - both of whom I recognize from non-Hallmark stuff)

So, Christmas is the name of the town.

We're getting fucked, just right out of the gate. ::sigh::

Squares ticked: town in danger of being lost, dead parent, children, somebody's not into Christmas (the holiday, not the town), celebration/festival in town. shmoopy activities, main characters sing carols, etc.

All right, she's a real estate something-or-other who's there to scope out the joint for development purposes. They tell the town everything will be the same, just that they'll have a ski resort and it will bolster income. However, towards the end, she discovers the firm does want to modernize the town, and blah blah blah you know where this is going.

I thought of, right off the top of my head, three other movies with this plot, one of which we just covered in the last entry.

He is the handsome sheriff with the dead wife and two adorable daughters who, of course, immediately take to her. I mean, this is just basic bitch shit, there is nothing original whatsoever about any of this. The leads have chemistry and both are good actors. Matter of fact I really like Mabius, he is talented and haaaaaandsome, I wish he were the lead in all these.

It's the standard fare, you may like it, but otherwise it's fine background noise. Other than an intolerable song at about the 20 'til mark. * cringe *

3/5 stars

Switched For Christmas (Hallmark, 2017 - Candace Cameron Bure x 2, Eion Bailey and Mark Deklin, both of whom you'll recognize)

Mentioned this last year but for whatever reason didn't go over it. Again, and I'll keep saying it - no matter how shitty the script, Candace elevates everything she's in, but in this case the script ain't shitty, it's actually a solid premise, however fantastical. Chris and Kate (both Candace, of course) are identical twins and they decide to switch places for Christmas. Several people are in on the secret - Chris has 2 older (teen/pre-teen) kids and they are pretending to be her niece and nephew around the dude who becomes her romantic interest because... reasons? I'm not certain. But their dad also knows the scoop, which I actually liked because there ain't no way any of those 3 would've been fooled so it was - shockingly for Hallmark movie - sensible.

Here's Hallmark's summary that tells more about why they did it:

"Just because they are identical does not mean these twins even like each other. Estranged twin sisters get together for an obligatory pre-Christmas lunch, a year after their mother's death. Both women are unhappy and frustrated with their own lives. Though not close, each is envious of the other's life. What's a twin to do but take advantage of this? And who would be the wiser? They do what any identical twins in need of new outlooks would do: they swap lives until Christmas Day, and by doing so, each woman discovers the true meaning of her life and gains a deeper perspective and appreciation for what she already had."

They each fall for somebody, and the dudes in turn fall for them, but the issue is that the twins think they've fallen for the personality/the life/etc. of the opposite twin so they each kinda feel like they aren't the one the dude is interested in, that they're into the other sister.  These guys should be pissed but they aren't, not really. I'll let you guess the end.

Your three leads are awesome, all can act, and - as said - especially Candace, and this had to be exhausting to pull off. Not only is each scene probably done at least couple times to get a handful of takes, she has to double-back and do it more times because of the opposite twin role. The amount of lines she had to memorize is astounding, not to mention developing two different characters with different (although not drastically) personalities. She nailed it.

Bottom line: this movie could've gone trash in a hot minute, but it didn't, because they did some stellar casting (Candace's daughter Natasha actually plays her daughter) and everyone can actually act. The premise is unrealistic and likely unsustainable for longer than a couple days in real life (the mention of them being "estranged" is particularly odd to me because there's definitely no way they'd be able to pull this off without being close so that they knew a lot about each other's lives), but what saved it was, like I say, the sensibility of having some key players in the know who supported them. This also, surprisingly, didn't tick a ton of bingo boxes, and I didn't find it a waste of my time. It's a fun flick, I'm only dinging it for the making estranged thing and the dudes not being more upset for being lied to than they were because in whack-a-doo stories, you gotta write everything else as real as possible so that the audience is more accepting of the whack-a-doo, and they slipped a touch there.

4/5 stars

I have two stupid ones for you to avoid that are just over-acted and either totally ridiculous + poorly acted (the first one) and totally typical + poorly acted (the second one). Let's just make this quick for all our sakes:

Magic Stocking (Hallmark, 2015 - nobody you'll know... well maybe this dude called Victor Webster, he's actually decent, hate he got stuck in this dreck) Official summary:

"Lindsey, a single mom with an adorable daughter, is closed off to life after losing her husband a few years back. When she buys a stocking at her town’s Christmas craft fair, the family begins “magically” finding items in the stocking that they learn have importance in their lives."

It's schlock and just plain insulting to your intelligence, and I didn't give a shit if they got together or not, something about the leading lady worked my nerves. I didn't need her to believe in the "magic", I just needed her to be able to investigate it without being so dialed up to 11 about it, she looked like she was close to exploding in the majority of it.

And....

Christmas At Pemberley Manor (Hallmark, 2018 - that chick Jessica Lowndes from that movie we covered in prior entries who can't act, and Michael Rady who you may recognize, too)

I mean, she can't act, so it's irritating the whole way through the basic bitch plot. Also? Check what they did with the names, which is absolutely positively insulting, and Austen has triple Salchow'd in her grave. Official summary:

"As Christmas approaches, Elizabeth Bennett, a New York event planner, is sent to a quaint, small town to organize their holiday festival. When she arrives, she finds William Darcy, a high-profile billionaire lacking in holiday spirit, in the process of selling the charming estate she hoped to use as a venue. Determined to make her event a success, Elizabeth persuades the reluctant Darcy to let her hold the festival on the historical estate once known for its holiday cheer. When they wind up working together to arrange the festivities, the unlikely pair begins falling for each other. But when complications arise and the festival is unexpectedly shut down, the couple parts ways and Darcy moves forward with his plans to sell the estate. On the night before Christmas, a wistful Elizabeth hopes for a Christmas miracle to revive the festival, save the estate and rekindle her holiday romance."  

For both of them: 1/5 stars

Here's your 4-and-5 stars so far (in no particular order):

Trading Christmas - 5/5 stars Christmas In The Air - 5/5 stars Mingle All The Way - 5/5 stars The Christmas Card - 5/5 stars Fir Crazy - 4/5 stars Small Town Christmas - 4/5 stars Switched For Christmas - 4/5 stars

#3

Picture A Perfect Christmas (Hallmark, 2019 - Merritt Patterson who is familiar to me from other of these movies, and a dude who I've never seen before in my life)

We kick off the movie with single dad who has custody of his nephew, and they're talking about how they have to pick out a new nanny for him for the two weeks kid is off school for the holidays and Uncle Daddy has big shit going on at his office. Then we cut to her, and she's having dinner with her boyfriend, who she is completely uninterested in even though right now he seems like a pretty decent dude. We cut to see that kid's babysitter is an elderly woman (their neighbor) who is really nice and mentions her granddaughter... or niece, I can't remember even though I just heard it... and guess who she is, and she's coming to visit?

This is what kills me about Hallmark movies: They front load you with so much information that you're like "Baaaahhh!", and then they drag out the movie, and then it abruptly ends. 

Okay, it's her grandma. And she's on a Christmas pageant planning committee. (Box ticked) Kid's an orphan, so dead parents. (Box ticked) And of course, kid himself, who is precocious and will likely bring everyone together. (Box ticked) I have to take a shower, I bet money I can be away from this movie for 15-20 minutes and not miss a damn thing. Let's find out, for science.

[time passes]

Yeah, I've missed nothing. Here's what's kind've odd - it's like she's falling for the kid and not him. They have zero chemistry, and it's like she's wanting more to be the kid's mom than wanting to be this dude's wife. Also, his haircut is really distracting, it is some kinds of awful.

Okay, well, this is just cookie-cutter. There's nothing remarkable or original or super-egregious about it. So if you just want something to pass time, here you go.

3/5 stars

Mingle All The Way (Hallmark, 2018 - chick named Jen Lilley who should be in more shit, and dude named Brant Daugherty who is discount John Krazinski but still great)

I checked, and we talked about this one last year so I'll re-post the scoop below, but anyway it came on and I re-watched it while I was ironing, and it holds up, it's just solid from top to bottom. I rated it 4/5 last year, but it's getting top score this year upon reconsideration, because there's so few flaws. It's creative, the script has sharpness to it, and acting's good across the board, and most importantly our 2 leads click. Here's what I wrote last year:

Inventive concept here, though they kinda shit the bed with naming their business something affiliated with Christmas if it’s clearly a year-round affair, but okay. What it is: a dating app that’s not a dating app, it’s purely for folks who need a +1 to specifically business/work social events, but also more formal family and friend events (so, say, Christmas party where it’s not just family, or friend party that’s not just show up in your jeans and sweaters - the cocktail stuff, is my point). The thing is, no one is pretending to be the boyfriend or girlfriend, it’s supposed to be like “And this is Susie/Steve, an associate of mine from ____ business”. Nothing romantic, no false pretenses, no lying to others (well… not supposed to wink-wink).

The chick - who runs the biz/came up with it/helped develop it - is needing to take on investors, and one of them is like “Sold! But can I get some firsthand testimonial? Have you yourself tested your product?” and since she’s got shit coming up on her agenda, she does. Plus, her mom’s on her ass about working so much and not dating since a bad breakup years ago, and it’s compounded because baby sister just got engaged. (Mom is bionic woman Lindsay Wagner. She’s not really bionic. Google it, youths.)

Dude is in a situation where he’s not advancing at work because scuzzy kiss ass co-worker is shmoozing with boss during off hours because boss doesn’t invite the single people to brunch or whatever with him and his wife, he’s only inviting the ones who he knows has a partner to bring. I know to some of you this may sound absolutely ridiculous but, um, I’ve experienced this many times. This is not out of the realm. Not even a little bit. I had a gay boss who understood how this happens (likely because he experienced it) and he was wonderful about including everybody. Otherwise, yeah, I been there. I’ve digressed.

The leads have good chemistry, there was great snark and back-and-forth when they met each other a couple times prior to the set-up (‘cause you guessed it: the app paired them with a high %age of compatibility - his sister suggested he do it after he heard about it on the news and he told her of his situation) and they click really well. There’s touches of shmoop, of course, but this was an above-average story amongst the typical Christmas dreck.

5/5 stars

Last Vermont Christmas (Hallmark, 2018 - Erin Cahill, Justin Bruening - both of whom I recognize)

Hey guess what, this may be their last Vermont Christmas. ::sigh:: Main chick and her 2 sisters and her daughter (single mom, dead husband, box checked, as well as adorable child, check) have converged on the family home in Vermont to find that mom and dad are selling, and I get it, it's huge and they're ready to scale down because they're retired. But, selfishly, one of the sisters - oh, and PS? they look *nothing* alike, casting couldn't even be bothered to get women with the same hair color - decides to sabotage things. So like, when the inspector comes, she and her sorta boyfriend follow him around and make little comments about stuff like termites, then they made sure the fuse box had all kinds of fat wires with caps protruding out of it - you know, like what you'll find if you're changing a light fixture, which is not how fuse boxes work - and I think there was something with some steps.

Anyway none of this matters. What matters is that lead dude is a contractor and is also lead chick's ex from way-back-when, before she met man of dreams and had daughter and moved away to some far off state, I wasn't paying attention. But they get along great and are occasionally a little cheeky with each other, so that's fine. So now he's around doing these faux repairs and they're kind and looping him into their Christmas stuff, which they are disgustingly picture perfect. They cut down their own tree. They go caroling. They bake cookies. They hand-make their ornaments every damn year. I hate them. Well, the writers. It's too much. That was all in roughly the first 45 minutes, too. I'm sure some families out there take it to the mat with Christmas, but holy shit. Okay, add gingerbread houses from scratch (they made sure to show the baking pan with more squares so you know this) to the list. 

This is blowing up the bingo like 'Nam. There's now a snowball fight. Family tree decorating scene with, of course, these special handmade ornaments plus ornaments from years past where they're recalling special times. Ohmigawd, I need to fill out a card for this one, it's insane, I almost can't keep up. Oop, "Grandma's special hot chocolate". Character demonstrates talent (one of the sisters, singing). I legit am not lying, these are coming so fast I'm having trouble keeping up.

He's also somehow in cahoots with the realtor, because he had committed to buying the house, but he says it doesn't feel right now that he's back to getting chubs from his ex, and she's like "Well if you don't then we're still gonna settle up" and I have no idea what that means, does that mean she expects him to pay her the commission she'd have gotten? Is this normal practice? Realtors must have stuff fall through all the time, they'll end up selling and get a commission and who knows, maybe at a better price, so.... ????? The hell? 

Speaking of him, two things: one, his name is Nash (heh) and two, I went to imdb to check the summary to see if I forgot/missed anything and the reviews are hilarious, a ton of them mention how distracting his hair is - he just has lots of it, seems really thick, and it's shaved tight on the sides, so he's got a decent amount atop his dome, but it's only really noticeable when it's slicked straight back. But people were losing their shit over it. I don't find it that distracting, but you may, I find youngest sister's perpetually greasy 1970s hair (not her fault, that's hair and make-up's fault) more irritating.

Okay, so, there's no way this can get a 3, there's too much bingo hits. But aside from that, the acting - especially from youngest sister, who overacts - is very stilted and unnatural, and on occasion the editor left in these pauses in dialogue that are just a touch too long, so I think that's part of the issue. I don't mind the story at all, it's not something we see all the time and thank the lord it's not "family business in danger" - though oh shit, I forgot, this counts as "family home in danger", so there's another square. This is trope-a-palooza. Wait, snowman building. Town has celebration. Okay, I'm done listing, I think we all know where this has to go.

1/5 stars

Reunited At Christmas (Hallmark, 2018 - Nikki Deloach, who you'll recognize, and other character actors you'll recognize)

So lead chick's mom and dad are making everything weird with all these passive-aggressive comments about the past via mom and shmoopy comments about the past via dad. (They're divorced so I can't figure why they're all shacked up in this house for Christmas with their adult children and their partners.) Lead chick also agreed to her boyfriend's proposal - and he seems like a great guy - even though she's not ready, which is mature. At least within about 10 mins. of it happening she ponies up that she's not into being engaged, and he's a good actor, and it really is kinda sad, I feel for him. So he's all - Imma finish chopping this wood then head back to spend Christmas with my family and we'll regroup after the holidays, and she's all "For real?!" and I'm all "Are you surprised?!"

Y'all this one bored me, I didn't make it past roughly the first 45 minutes, I just didn't care if they got back together and I presume based on the title that they do. Nobody's acting was egregious or anything, it was just slogging and I wasn't engaged because this plot isn't creative at all - I mean, here's the official summary:

Frazzled and struggling with writer's block, novelist Samantha (Deloach), along with her boyfriend, heads home to her late grandmother's home to spend Christmas. While at home with family, her grandmother's wise words reveal the true meaning of Christmas with Samantha at a time when she most needs encouragement.

But again, based on the first part, that doesn't seem to be the plot - I mean seriously, we go through all this family activities stuff, and her and the boyfriend having several different conversations about the not wanting to be engaged thing (one at skating rink, one whilst he's chopping wood, one while back at the house), so there's literally no real mention of grandma by that point, and we're almost at an hour what with commercial breaks and such. So that's it. That's all they've accomplished in basically the first half of the movie. And they managed to hit a bunch of squares (someone's an author, someone gets engaged, skating, tree decorating, baking, etc.) and I'm sure there was more to come. It's the pacing that kills this one, as well as the basic bitch plot, but hey it'll serve as background noise.

2/5 stars  

Small Town Christmas (Hallmark 2018 - Ashley Newbrough who is poor man's Denise Richards, Ryan McDonell who you'll recognize and is a really good actor)

She's an author (check box) on a national book tour and her last stop is the town she's from, upon which the book is based, and her name is Nelle and you'll remember this because for some reason every time someone speaks to her they have to say her name. Okay, maybe not *every* time but it caught my ear, even when I was distracted doing something else or had stepped into another room, they just say her name *constantly* and I don't get it.  The bookstore owner is an almost-was from the past, and there was some mix-up back when they both lived in New York about her leaving him a note and saying to meet her for some reason but he didn't show because turned out he had to leave because his sister had unexpectedly died, but then also he'd written her a letter explaining that she never got but he assumed she got and never contacted him. But then she had texted him a few times over the years and he'd never responded. Because everyone is twelve. I'm not tracking with this completely, though I do get the feeling of just wanting to let something go and let it be in the past. 

Anyway, more drama is that his sister had died so he - name is Emmett - has custody of niece, who is a great little actress and not one bit irritating, she's very cool. Also, her dynamic with uncle is great and like I say, he's a fantastic actor. Poor man's Denise Richards is fine, too, I've got no complaints, honestly. Also pleasant are the peripheral characters of the townspeople. Seriously, across the board, nobody is annoying or eye-rolly, everyone's acting is natural. All right, so close-knit town and some drama is that Brad, this real estate agent who's repping a big dawg firm wants to essentially buy up the town, at least the entirety of the main street/the shops to redevelop, and the part that's cool is that they all talk about it reasonably - some of them being hold outs, some of them really considering it - like adults, nobody's fighting or being douchebags. Then it gets to where the last hold-out is Emmett and he's thinking of Marnie, the kid, because this was her mom's store and so it's technically hers though he has power of attorney. 

Also happening is that Brad is trying to sell the investors on the fact that this town is Ideal Christmas Place, that it's super traditional and the townsfolk do it up right and whatnot, and they are thus far not impressed by what they are seeing. ???? I don't get it, if they want to redevelop then aren't they more concerned about the land/the property value? I'm missing something. Emmett finally agrees and Nelle fusses at him and because Brad's been into her, he's shared what the plan really is with her, and she swipes his notebook and shows Emmett "Look this is some shitass mall or something, you dun goofed". And Brad whiffed because the promise was that the stores would be left alone and they'd all still work there/be the management, it'd just be owned by the corporation and - oh I get it now, they want it to be a big tourist town like thing during the winter holiday seasons. Okay, gotcha. Anyway, I'll let you guess how everything turns out in the end.

I actually liked this one, it could've gone majorly shmoop and tropey fast - I mean, it popped on more than a few bingo squares (bookstore owner, dead parents, author, Christmas tree decorating, town festival/celebration, family business is in danger of being lost, child character) but again, the whole vibe of this movie is casual and natural and it flows and the pacing is on point. The reason for their initial fall-out is a bit "Huh?" but I appreciate that it wasn't something complicated, it was more to real life which is that it is more often than not that it's silly little misunderstandings that drive us apart and if we'd just friggin' speak the hell up, we'd realize it's not a big deal. The two leads really clicked and that was so nice to see since the majority of these movies they don't. Guys, this is one worth watching, I'm only dinging it because too many squares were hit.

4/5 stars

The Christmas Card (Hallmark, 2006 - Ed Asner, Alice Evans, John Newton)

Ed Asner is a gift, and I won't hear otherwise. You'll also recognize the two leads, I've seen them in other stuff. And no, that date's not wrong, this is an oldie and by my estimation these Hallmark movies get more solid on the whole the further back you go, it's like they gave a fuck about nuance in the script vs. recycling plots for the most part so they can crank these babies out like rabbits in perpetual heat. I suspect that's the reason for the 2 star rating you'll see when you hit "info" on the remote. But fuck that, because here's a factoid - other than that I'm about to give this one a 5 (spoiler), Ed Asner was nominated for a Primetime Emmy for it, so I assure you, it's better than that 2 star will indicate.

So here's the first part of the plot from Wikipedia:

In the midst of war in Afghanistan, U.S. Army Master Sergeant Cody Cullen (John Newton) is given a Christmas card from a fellow soldier who had received it from his hometown, Nevada City, California. The card was sent by Faith Spelman (Alice Evans). As months pass, the card never leaves his side. Cody, who has no family, and whose father was killed during the Vietnam War, is deeply affected when the soldier who gave him the card is killed. A few weeks before Christmas, Cody travels to see the soldier's widow, back in Nevada City. Just as he is about to leave town, Cody runs into Faith at a local luncheonette, where they happened to have placed identical orders. They part, but on his way out of town, Cody saves Faith's father, Luke (Ed Asner), from being hit by a speeding car. Luke takes a liking to Cody and convinces him to stay on as temporary help at his family's logging company. Paul (Ben Weber), Faith's longtime boyfriend who travels much of the time, and who selfishly wants Faith to move away from her close-knit family in Nevada City, arrives to meet her.

Everyone nails it. You believe that a part of Faith genuinely cares about the asscrack who's been stringing her along, and that actor nails the whole dickbag routine without being so obnoxious it makes you want to drop-kick the TV. Cody is quietly charming and sells you on the fact that yes, he loves her, and so much that he's not willing to potentially ruin her life, even if it's a life without him. Ed Asner is perfection in his role as the loving and slightly meddlesome dad. The mom is great. The friend is great. All the side characters are great. There is not a bit of cheese in this movie, nothing is tropey, nothing is schlocky, it's just heartwarming. And there are *zero* of the typical cliche elements that arise in these movies featuring troops/veterans. It was so goddamned refreshing as compared to 95% of what Hallmark cranks out now, I genuinely can't believe this is from the same braintrust. 

If it comes on, do yourself a favor and watch it. 

5/5 stars 

Here’s your 4 and 5 stars thus far:

Trading Christmas - 5/5 stars Christmas In The Air - 5/5 stars Mingle All The Way - 5/5 stars The Christmas Card - 5/5 stars Small Town Christmas - 4/5 stars

#2

Christmas Made To Order (Hallmark, 2018 - THE DUDE WHO PLAYED AARON SAMUELS IN "MEAN GIRLS"!!!! and a chick who can't act even a little bit)

I cannot emphasize how bad an actress the leading lady is, it is painfully bad. It's not as intolerable as Kellie Pickler, but she's a close damn second. That's how bad it is. I looked her up to see who the fuck would've ever hired her, her name is Alexa Pena Vega, which I tell you so you can immediately change the channel if you see her name in the credits. The only thing from fairly recent past that's of note is that she appeared in 7 episodes of the TV show "Nashville", 90% of what she's done I've never heard of but she's had steady work since she was a kid, and I tell you this because you, too, can be an actor if this person can. 

This movie's plot is bland, the script is stilted, the tone is shmoopy, the pacing is draggy, and it hits way too many bingo squares. Everything about it is irritating. The part that irritated me most was where they're singing "Angels We Have Heard On High" and when getting to "in excelsis deo" they pronounce it "egg-shell-sees", which is wrong, it's more like "eck-chel-sees", hitting that "ch" and last "s" light. I've sang in choirs in Carnegie Hall not once, but twice, you can trust me. There, now you know. 

I feel sorry for Aaron Samuels (Jonathan. His name is Jonathan Bennett. I'm sorry also that everyone, including me, probably calls him Aaron Samuels). He ain't that great in this, and I feel like it's because of the material/people he had to work with. The peripheral family members are overall kind've stiff or something, too. So maybe this is also a director issue? But ol' Alexa, man, she is of the suck, high school kids do better than this. I'm not bothering to give you the summary... I mean, it's basically the title, she's a Christmas party coordinator who's hired by him. I will say I'm happy it reminded me I need to pull a recipe for crockpot mulled cider, so there's that. I'll give it a star for that. We'll file this under background noise, because if you pay attention to it, she's gonna work your nerves then squeeze the last. 

1/5 stars 

Holiday For Heroes (Hallmark, 2019 - Marc Blucas, Melissa Claire Egan)

This one ain't too terribly bad. It's the second military-at-Christmas movie that Blucas has been in for Hallmark (that I've seen) and I have to confess, I was subconsciously comparing that one to this one because that one was pretty damn good (see last year's list, linked above). But Blucas is a really solid actor, everything I've ever seen him in, it comes off naturally. Having said that, I feel like he's been some sort of military something-or-other in most everything I've seen him in (*waves to fellow Buffy fans*), so it could just be he's nailing this shtick. 

She's a little too Mary Poppins - you know, practically perfect in every way - except without the sass, so it's saccharine but I don't blame her, she seems a decent actress who's playing the cards she's been dealt. One of those cards is that her phone ring is a Christmas carol. ::sigh:: I actually laughed out loud at the skating part because any full shot to where you could potentially see her face coupled with a body that had feet wearing skates was either super-far away like they were filming from Mars or, I shit you not, her face was obscured by a hockey net. Girl, it's cool if you got weak ankles or were traumatized by a zamboni or something. But like, don't take the role, ask for a summer movie. 

Okay, here's the problem - this movie is pretty boring. I looked at the clock probably every thirty minutes because I kept thinking "This has to be getting close to the end, right?" These two don't have any romantic chemistry, but they click, it's just I could picture them playing more brother and sister. But the story is blah, I simply didn't care about her getting her party to happen and yeah, it's not for personal, self-serving reasons, it's for a good cause (kids! soldiers!), but I just couldn't find myself caring if she pulled it off or not.  And then he's struggling between choosing a teaching job  or re-enlisting, but he didn't seem particularly stressed, so I wasn't stressed, and you know what *would* have been interesting? How the whole thing started out: somehow (and I can't recall how - maybe through her brother? because he's in the same unit?) they were paired up writing letters while he was deployed and so they knew all this cool stuff about each other, not terribly intimate but definitely personal tidbits, and I could've gotten into a movie that kept them writing letters for a little longer - there was actually a brief thing about his last letter that was lost, and that definitely could've been something interesting, when it finally turned up, that he'd written something very personal/important that he opted not to tell once he met her in person, but that potential firework turned out to be a dud. 

Instead he's back and they meet in person in essentially the first 20 minutes, maybe the first 10 - it was fast, is my point. I think maybe if they had them meeting a little later, we could've gotten to know them better and then we'd be rooting for them in both their individual issues and be rooting for them to get together. Or not, fuck, I don't know. All I know is that the title is deceptive because there were no "miracles", not in a magical or spiritual sense, and also because nothing exciting or unexpected happened, everything unfolds precisely how you expect it will. No really. What you guess early on is exactly what happens. Eh. It didn't hit enough squares to launch it down to 1 or 2 stars, it's not a complete waste of your time, but man is it dancing on the line. 

3/5 stars

Merry And Bright (Hallmark, 2019 - Jodie Sweetin and her new teeth, Andrew Walker who's that guy in lots of these movies upon whose cheekbones one could cut diamonds)

She owns a candy cane company. That's it. That's all they do, candy canes at Christmas. The red and white standard kind. They have business at one time per year and are super successful, mega rich judging by the offices and the houses in which they live. 

Suspension of disbelief, check.

Classic "family business is in danger" story, bonus dead grandmother which is the catalyst for her taking over the company. Side storyline of her mom fostering a dog that's going to end up being her Christmas present. There is no reason for this side storyline, but doggie is cute as all-get-out, so we'll give it a pass. Of course there's a baking scene. Somebody who's not into Christmas gets converted. It hits multiple boxes. 

So, Cheekbones is a consultant sent to advise Jodie on where to cut costs and consolidate, and I hope he tells her first and foremost that one cannot sustain a business for, broadly, two months out of the year, not unless they are the monopoly on candy canes. Which, they aren't. So my first thought is "make flavored canes" and "make sprinkles of said flavored canes" and "make frosting and cake mixes based on said flavors" and liqueur and patent a certain stripe pattern for the canes, then sell wrapping paper in these patterns. You know, shit that sells all year. I majored in business and minored in marketing in undergrad, I can't control when it kicks in.

They find each other difficult, which means of course they'll fall in love. Let's just jump to the end: they diversify with different flavors and they fall in love. PS: no chemistry PPS: her last name is Merriweather and the town's name is Brightwell. Get it? Merry and Bright? Yeah, they didn't just mean the song.  ::sighs::  This is just Typical with a capital "T". I was bored, but it's well-made production value-wise and is fine for background while you're cleaning or something. 

3/5 stars

A Christmas For The Books (Hallmark, 2018 - people you've neither heard of nor will recognize... unless they've been in other Hallmarks, which I'm sure they have)

This one drags so, so badly. It hits too many boxes. There's a Christmas gala. Pretending to be someone's boyfriend. Somebody's famous. Somebody's an author. Did I mention it drags? It draaaaaaags. And I am 99% certain the plot is identical to another one of these movies I've seen (perhaps on a different channel, though). The deal is that she's a romance "expert" but her own relationship just fell apart so she asks her show's producer to pretend to be her boyfriend for the benefit of the higher-ups who are giving her said show, which he does but then his on-again-off-again girlfriend shows up. She's pissed, naturally, and our lead gal lies to her and says "No I'm counseling him so he'll be a better boyfriend to you" and she's an idiot and falls for it, and they end up being best buds. ??? Okay. But here's the thing: she still ends up with dude at the end. And they have zeeeeeero chemistry. Just skip this one. Draaaaaaag. The acting is flat across the board, excepting aforementioned girlfriend who is over-the-top. 

Swear I've seen this exact plot, though. I can see one of the early scenes clear as a bell in my mind. Beautiful brunette lady, they're all outside by a gazebo or some such, she's about to go live or tape in front of audience for her show, and fiance breaks up with her, and I want to say that the guy she pretends with is either a long-time friend, or that they dated in the past. Possibly both. I'm googling this. 

* time passes *

Holy shit, it's another Hallmark movie. It's called "The Convenient Groom" from 2016, summary: "Dr. Kate Lawrence, a celebrity relationship expert, plans to publicly announce her engagement to Bryan, a handsome and perfectly polished businessman. As Kate prepares to share the news, Bryan shocks her by breaking up with her and calling off the wedding. Wanting to save her from humiliation and protect her public image, Lucas Wright, Kate’s childhood friend, steps in and pretends to be Kate’s fiancé. Stars Vanessa Marcil and David Sutcliffe." It also looks like this one was based on a book. 

Ugh. We don't do plagiarism. 

0/5 stars

Christmas In The Air (Hallmark, 2017 - Catherine Bell, Eric Close)

I don't think we did this one last year, but even if so, worth mentioning again. If you don't know him by name, you'll recognize Close, he's a good actor, and Catherine Bell is just solid across the board in everything I've seen her in. So he's a single dad who owns a toy company with his brother and of course they're slammed at this time of year and on top of that they've got a new toy (a drone-type thing) that they're trying to sell an investor on so they're busting ass trying to perfect that, too (on top of, investor and wife are coming to town to see it and somehow they get roped into having them over for dinner). Plus the kids are of an age (looks like maybe 4th grade boy and 6th grade girl?) that they're really getting into activities they've chosen for themselves now so that's on top of the usual parent stuff and we all know it's a lot for single parents at that age, it's almost like they're back to the amount of work of toddlers, they're just back to going in all directions again and starting to get more independent and need more attentiveness. I am pleased to report the kids are not brats nor are they sugar sweet, they're just normal kiddos. Now, she's a professional organizer and they meet by chance at Target or wherever and I forget the circumstances but it is evident to her that he needs some organizing and she gives him her card. I bring this up because it is not a "meet cute", it's just somebody who's astute at networking and she's polite and so's he and it's a normal interaction. 

That's the thing I like about this movie - everything unfolds in a natural manner, nothing is far-fetched. Their jobs make sense, such as - see above - they aren't limited to the Christmas season, even though people do/may need more of their services at this time of year. Close and Bell click and they're both attractive in their own ways and it's believable they grow to fall for each other. Nobody's cutesy and precious and obsessed with Christmas and hyperactive, they're adults going about their daily lives who end up realizing they kind of need each other. And on that note, they don't portray her as this lonely 40-something single woman, it's just evident that she's maybe getting dissatisfied with her routine and maybe actually needs a some messiness in her life because sometimes a little messy can be interesting, if she lets loose to a degree when it comes to all her self-imposed rules that help her keep control on her life. The only thing that was eye-roll worthy was the cookie-making montage scene and the cheesy music that backed it, but! It was incredibly short.

She also has this adorbs little greenhouse out back of her house of which I'm jealous. Not that I can grow plants particularly well. But I'm good at keeping those suckers alive. I want an herb garden when I grow up. [checks watch] Shit, I'm a grown-up. Anyway, this is a well-made, well-written, well-casted (in addition to the leads, the brothers actually resemble each other and the kids click, too), well-paced movie with well-developed characters and my final verdict is that it is most certainly not a waste of your time.

5/5 stars 

Here's your 4 and 5 stars thus far:

Trading Christmas - 5/5 stars Christmas In The Air - 5/5 stars

#1

Once Upon A Holiday (Hallmark, 2015 - some chick, a guy called Paul Campbell who's vaguely familiar)

Princess of tiny country wants some Christmastime to herself without all the royal obligations, she of course has dead parents because somebody has to. But listen, the 2 leads can actually act, nobody's shmoopy, nobody overreacts when the truth comes out, the ending is simple, it's basically very... well, basic. It's calm. It's sweet. It's not *not* worth watching, though I'd classify it as simply nice, non-irritating background fare. You're not going to go ga-ga and love it, but you're not going to loathe it, either. 

3/5 stars

A Shoe Addict's Christmas (Hallmark, 2018 - Candace Cameron, the lady who played Charlene on Designing Women)

Candace Cameron is a solid actor and she elevates everything she's in. However. This one is just stupid. It's convoluted in its premise, which is this: when this chick puts on a pair of shoes, it takes her to a certain point in her life where pivotal decisions were made (whether or not she knew at the time), and is giving her an opportunity to play Choose Your Own Adventure and see what could've happened if she'd chosen differently. We don't need the shoes for this story to happen, is my point, because just have her hold an object or have a magical person take her there a la ghosts of Christmas past. Which, well, okay - here we go.

It's also *very* convoluted in how the magic happens and how the love interest comes into it, and is as follows: she works in a department store and gets locked in there randomly one night, and meets her fairy godmother-esque guardian angel who is klutzy and quirky and initiates this whole flashbacking in time with shoes jazz, and in addition Ditzy Angel Fairy is always there kind've interfering and being bumbling while Candace and love interest are working together planning some charity thing involving his firehouse (yeah, he's a fireman, there’s additional backstory for him about following in his dad’s footsteps and something-something-something), and the department store, which somehow necessitates awkward moments in stock rooms and whilst cookie baking, oh and by the way he's also her new next door neighbor. 

Did you follow all that? Congratulations, and pass the liquor. Holy shit. Again, Candace elevates this dreck, as does - oh damn, now I remember her name, it's Jean Smart! - so a star for that, and it doesn't tick like a thousand boxes on the Bingo, but those things don't rescue the bizarre nature of this one. It's all over the place. And so it loses its charm. The shoes are a stupid shtick to try to make this be *not* the same story that we've all seen and heard a million times. And then they piled on all that other extraneous stuff to distract us from that? I guess? Question mark? You may enjoy it because it's chipper and moves at a quick clip, but... yeah, it just didn't do it for me. This type of thing has been done elsewhere, and done better. You make the call.

2/5 stars

Jingle Around The Clock (Hallmark, 2018 - Brooke Nevin, other people)

Career chick gets overwhelmed trying to balance work and the holidays, then she and the dude who's one of many in a pool of potential candidates for a job she wants end up falling for each other. Nevin's a decent actress, and she and the other lead have decent chemistry, and the plot is... you know, it's... well, decent. The only thing that really irked me is that - as in a lot of these movies - there's a stupid misunderstanding that could easily be remedied by one person holding up their hands, interrupting the person who's doing the misunderstanding, and saying "Whoa, hold on. I know what you heard/saw, but here's what actually happened." 

And in this movie's case it was reeeeeally a stretch - like, in other movies, sometimes they'll have one person get pulled away or some other thing where the misunderstood person kinda doesn't have a chance to explain, but this time it's a convo where they're both standing there for minutes upon minutes. Fucking SAY SOMETHING. Anyway. Whatevs. Some of the acting from the peripheral characters is clunky, and pacing is a little off, but overall not intolerable. And it doesn't check a metric shitton of bingo boxes. So, it's cute, not a complete waste of your time.

3/5 stars

Trading Christmas (Hallmark, 2011 - Faith Ford, Tom Cavanagh, Gil Bellows)

Outstanding production value, above-average script, and the 4 shared leads can all act. It's one of those happenstance stories, where - as in real life - no one would've been expecting to meet someone they click with when they're doing what they're doing, and what they're doing isn't some fantastical thing, they’re just trying something new (traveling/staying somewhere else for the holidays).

Everybody behaves like the grown-ups they are, there's no drama, and a tiny spat that occurs between two of them is cute, not grating. Speaking of, particular kudos to best friend character who pulls off the nosy-sassy vibe without being irritating. Even the occasional pop-over scenes to the daughter and her boyfriend at college are fine, they also can act, and they're sweet together, no shmoop, just average folks you'd have been friends with in college, and boyfriend is supportive of daughter when she has a change of heart about them doing their own traveling for Christmas. 

Everything was balanced, no one interlude at a given location lasted too long before getting back to the parallel stories going on elsewhere, and since the scenes with daughter and boyfriend are secondary, even less time was spent with them, and good, that's as it should be. And here's the part I like the best, because it's *different* and *interesting* - your 2 primary leads? Ford and Cavanagh? They aren't each other's romantic will-they-won't-they, so how's about that? This barely hits anything on the bingo card, ergo the score is....

5/5 stars

Time For Me To Come Home For Christmas (Hallmark, 2018 - Josh Henderson, Megan Park) 

I should take off a star right now for the long title. You'll know by the end of the review what I've decided. Anyhow, out of the gate, understand that I had to make myself watch this one because the synopsis tells me part of this has to do with the dude being a country music singer and that means somebody's gonna sing - likely, him - and it'll probs be a Christmas song, and that also carries with it the risk of *original* Christmas song, which is infinitely worse. I also have no idea who this Josh Henderson person is - if he happens to be a singer by trade and this is what got him the role, well, I'm not looking it up, I'm reserving my judgment for when I actually hear him sing and see him act.  

Second thing to know, there's something very important that sold me on watching this: turns out Megan Park is the actress who played my favorite character in one of these Christmas movies so far - and some of you will understand the gravity of this, but if you don't then go now and read my write-up on the worst of the worst, My Christmas Love. Folks, Megan Park played Janet. *The* Janet. Light of my life during that shitstorm Janet. She who kept me afloat in a sea of dreck Janet. I owe this to Janet. 

Henderson's a fine actor, Park is way above average and should be doing more than Hallmark movies, and they click together, so good casting, there. (Also good casting? He's actually Southern, the accent isn't fake - though on the occasional word he bumps it up a bit but that could've been because of director, who knows - and for my Southern ears that is so re-fucking-freshing). The dialogue is better than usual for these movies (read: it sounds like things real people would say), and it's elevated by the fact that our two leads are delivering it well. The story unfolds in an easygoing, natural manner (as in, it's not smitten at first sight, they grow to fall for each other over the course of their journey), while at the same time moving at a nice clip. The quick and dirty: they're both from nearby towns/cities in the same state in the midwest, she thinks she knows him from local choir competitions so he's appreciating her treating him like anybody else vs. famous, they're both kinda dreading going home - her because breaking news to dad that the family business is in worse trouble than they thought, him because it's going to be first Christmas since his dad died, plus he's stressed anyhow because he's got songwriter's block. 

A run-down of the songs, so you're fully prepared.... I'll give you the length too because I'm a super nice person... okay not really, but Christmas miracles and hope and bleccccch....

Song one: Deck the Halls, piano, solo, shortish

Okay, he can carry a tune but there's nothing exceptional about his voice. I'm still not looking him up.

Song two: Jingle Bells, acoustic guitar, two old people harmonizing (poorly), short

Bless.

Song three: Joy To The World --> O Come All Ye Faithful, acapella, choir, shortish (but most part in background), they're ever-so-slightly flat which is worse than being completely flat (hi, choir nerd here)

Sigh.

Song four: Away In A Manger, him & 2 precocious children, acoustic, shortish

Twice.

Second time longer.

Second verse with him. 

Fuuuuuuuuu--------

Song five: 

The original song (which isn't entirely bad), acoustic, she inexplicably knows the tune and words well enough to harmonize and so does the mom and then there's inexplicable ability for sister to play 2nd guitar, and inexplicable background somebody to fiddle along, as well. It's a brand new song. He just wrote it. He essentially had just finished it in his mind. Length: Long, as it finishes the movie.

Stupid. So, so stupid. Just have him sing it. I don't mind the 2nd guitar or the fiddle because people skilled on such can pick up chords after watching another person run through it once, and can insert a little complementary medley in between verses, respectively - it's the people magically knowing the lyrics that's irritating and takes you out of the movie completely.

Major Complaint: there's three separate misunderstandings. One: she thinks he was trying to make a fool of her (huh?) by not telling her who he was (re: famous) and he reacts calmly; two: she sees a tabloid saying he had a girlfriend, acts pissy til he finally gets her to pony up what the hell is wrong, she says, and he reacts good naturedly; three, he offers to invest in the fam business so they don't have to rely on bank loans, and she gets all offended saying this must mean he doesn't believe in her (::sigh:: no, it doesn't), and he again takes it well. What annoys me is that all three of these are stupid and are on her, and she's not a stupid person, so her behaving this way is contrary to the other 90% we've seen. I don't get it. It was really odd.

Okay, I won't give it stars off because of the title, fine. But the title *is* cumbersome and kept me from this movie last year, it should've been called A Sweet Christmas Song or something of that ilk - sweet since she makes preserves and candy bars, then of course him writing the song, and also we can't possibly have one of these movies without Christmas in the title. 

Here's the problem: this ticks way too many bingo boxes. The family business is in danger of being lost. There's a dead parent (one for each lead, bonus sick spouse of random friend). There's Christmas songs sung by lead character. There's precocious children (three, specifically). One of the lead characters is famous. Character performs an instrumental talent. Group baking scene. Visit to a town with a holiday event. Characters make Christmas wishes. 

Those coupled with the annoying triple-play of Standard Hallmark Movie Misunderstanding Moment means this should be in negative star territory. But we're going to break the rules. I am docking it only one star for all the tropes, then another star specifically for song overload, as it would've been more impactful to hear his voice for the first time (bits in background as he comes on radio/TV notwithstanding) in the song he's been struggling to write when it happens at the end. All the music was just too much, between him and rando touring couple and choir and kids (twice), then the family sing-a-long. Good god almighty, I actually got tired just typing all that out. This movie is so strange because the components are of the suck, but afterwards you'll be like "Eh, that wasn't bad". 

Bottom line: if you're going to watch a Christmas movie, this one is way far from the worst, it's not a waste of your time, just beware the huge trope minefield and know it's only saved by the quick pacing and very natural acting on the parts of your two leads. 

3/5 stars (but just barely, and easily could've been 5/5 which is much disappoint)

Magical Christmas Ornaments (Hallmark, 2017 - people named Jessica Lowndes and Brendan Perry, the latter of whom I recognize from something)

So, I caught part of this last year and I don't think I went over it, but don't worry if I did because I am not going over it now. Brief synopsis: Mom, who has a real hard-on for Christmas, sends daughter ornaments and they turn out to be "magical", because they are reminding her of happy anecdotes from Christmases of her past so it's changing her attitude, plus coincidental great stuff is happening after she receives each one. To sum: anti-Christmas person starts to get into the spirit, lady lead is really focused on her career, falls in love with physician neighbor, precocious kids - it's trope-a-palooza from what I've seen (about an hour). 

Here's why I'm not bothering to get into it - well, beyond the fact that the lady lead couldn't act her way out of a paper bag, plus (and this is *not* her fault) her hair and makeup are poorly done and it's very distracting - it's a commercial for Hallmark Keepsake Ornaments. The very first one she opens, it's an over-the-shoulder shot and she's got the box tilted precisely to where the logo is clear-as-a-bell into the camera. Fuck that noise. I'm not sticking around for the rest of the ornaments, it may've only happened with that one but I don't care. Also, the pacing is soooo slow. 

1/5 stars (the one only because the male lead can act, and may make it tolerable for you)

#nash rates and reviews #hallmark christmas movies #cheesy christmas movies #cheesy movie talk

[imxboredx]

Is this a game? - Lee Felix (part 4)

You had never felt worse. Felix was mad at you, Hyunjin wasn’t speaking to you, the others didn’t even know what was happening, and now you were in a car with Felix and had no idea what was happening. Your life went from bad to worse.

Genre~ angst, smut, mafia au, slight happy ending.

This is awful I’m sorry. 🙃 I tried. I’m sorry it took me so long so write this I get distracted easy.

———————

You and Felix later fell asleep of the couch, still clinging to each other. So when you woke up alone in the hotel bed it’s safe to say you were a little confused. You get up to go into the kitchen to see if Lixie would be their, but he wasn’t. All that was there was , was a note.

(Y/N)

Very important business to attend to. If you go out the men outside the door will watch you. Play nice.

“Ugh, wonderful.” You said to no-one in peculiar. Not meaning it in the least bit. You still needed to talk to him. You both knew your conversation last night was a step in the right direction, but you also both knew it didn’t fix anything. It also didn’t change the fact you loved Hyunjin. God you hate all this overthinking. You need you get out.

You set out in a floral dress that reached mid thigh and small heeled ankle boots. You knew you looked cute, you also knew Felix would hate the was the guards were looking at you, and other random people on the streets for that matter. But you didn’t care you just wanted to shop. You wanted a distraction from all the crap going on, you felt like you were cheating on hyunjin. You missed him so much the thought of being without him hurt you so much. Ugh god it made you sick. Wait- you were actually getting sick. You went running into the nearest bathroom of a coffee shop and puked the empty contents of your stomach, this stress must be too much.

“Hey princess, are you okay?” You hear the soothing voice of your hubby Felix at the door. “The guards told me you weren’t feeling well.” He said leaning his forehead against the door ready to come get you if needed.

“Yeah Lixie! I’m fine!” You say wiping your face off and washing your hands. You checked yourself in the mirror first then opened the door the face him. “It’s probably nothing.” You said hugging him.

“Okay baby.” He said taking your hand and leading you out of the cafe.

“Lixie what about your work?”

“It’s fine baby. Don’t worry about it.” He seemed so concerned, and rushed. It made you uneasy.

He kept you closer than usual and his hand at his waist. Where his gun was. Not that you knew he had it. Out of nowhere you heard 5 gunshots ring out and two of the men surrounding you and Felix fell dead to the ground. Felix grabbed you and rushed you inside the bulletproof van that he always had near him. The van sped off into the direction of the airport and you knew something very bad was gonna happen if you two didn’t leave now.

You could see this expensive looking car following you both and you were scared. After a while the driver lost the car following you and could breath easier.. for now.

The car had finally reached the private airport and everyone was very clearly on high alarm. The outside security had doubled and the tension in the air was palpable. With the plane already ready to leave all you and Felix had to wait for was the door to close. The French branch of the gang would send you both your stuff back.

When the two of you were back in South Korea you were almost crushed by the strength of Hyunjin hugging you. Talking nonstop about how worried he was when he heard of the attack. You felt your stomach do flips when you saw him smile with relief, small tears welling in his eyes. And they weren’t good flips. You, as inconspicuously as possible, walk away from where all the boys were talking and go to the nearest bathroom.

“There she is! (Y/N) lets let seungmin here have a look at you. If you are really stressed or sick or something we should really help you.” Lix said as soon as you stepped out of the bathroom.

“Ok.” You said quietly, just wanting to lay down.

Minnie took you to the small clinic type room they had in the mansion and started running tests, he said he had to take blood for a weird test or whatever, so you let him. And about five minutes later he turns to you with a weird look on his face that you can’t quite read.

“(Y/N), you’re pregnant.” He said keeping his unreadable expression. “It’s Jinnie’s isn’t it.” He said like more of a statement than a question.

“It would have to be.” You said in utter shock. What was gonna happen now?

#is this a game (au) #stray kids mafia au #hwang hyunjin angst #hwang hyungin smut #lee felix angst #lee felix smut #lee felix #felix #hwang hyunjin #hyunjin #stray kids angst #stray kids smut #skz