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#he’s so beautiful 😭#jungkook#jeon jungkook#jeongguk#permission to dance#ptd#ptd spoilers#bts#bts permission to dance#jungkook bts#permission to dance la#permission to dance Vegas
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be still my foolish heart. | joel miller
Abstract: He still felt unsure, unsteady, both wanting to keep her at arm’s length and welcoming her back in his life like before, drown in the comfort he’d found in her presence year after year since they were kids. She’d tried to reassure him, and he knew she was right–you could not live in the world they did and not change. But he remembered her in pigtails on the first day of school, he remembered her prom dress being awfully 80s, and he remembered the first time he’d seen her with Sarah–gentle voiced and wide eyed, holding her as if she might shatter should she breathe a little too hard.
Words: 9.7k
Content: f!reader (called “sugar” as a nickname, described as shorter than joel); childhood friends to lovers, mentions of child’s death, grief, mentions of attempted suicide, PTDS, panic attacks, hurt/comfort, this was supposed to be about joel and sugar but there’s a lot of joel/ellie too. a lot, idiots in love, slow(ish) burn, ellie being a loving little shit, canon divergence (they get to jackson and don’t leave but i never explain why), some very minor spoilers for tlou2, purple prose, unedited
A/N: loosely inspired by almost (sweet music) by hozier; the song they listen to is night and day and can be found in ella fitzgerald sings the cole porter song book (1956).
also on AO3 - masterlist
reblogs and feedback are always greatly appreciated. you can send it here, too
Ellie had never seen a deer in headlights, only saw pictures of the creatures and heard the expression every now and then from older people.
She imagined the way Joel looked in that moment was what they meant.
Frozen still, eyes wide and lips parted, even holding his breath if the lack of condensation by his face was any indicator, Joel stood next to his brother with his back straight, the only indication he hadn’t suddenly turned into a piece of rock the light twitch in his right hand.
There’s someone you should see, Tommy had told him, half a day after they’d gotten to Jackson–they’d had time to eat and leave the few stuff they still had in the house, and right before she could hit the shower Tommy had walked in. Not keen on the idea of being left alone, Ellie had followed the Millers quietly. Joel had even teased her about it.
“Who’s the quiet one now?” she’d huffed at Joel’s sudden immobility. Tommy had looked at her with that half grin that she imagined Joel must’ve had, too, at some point, and then lifted his arm to wave a hand in the direction of a small group by the school. A woman pulled her head up, a green woolen hat low on her brow, and then waved back, a smile visible even from there. “Anyone you know?” she asked, looking back at Joel.
He still did not bat an eye.
“Well, I’ll be damned,” she exclaimed, extricating herself from the rest of the group with a quick apology. “Joel Miller,” she called, the name rolling with a certain familiarity out of her mouth as she approached them, brushing some snow from her coat.
“Sugar?” the word came out strangled–his mouth was dry, the ground unstable beneath him. Suddenly, he wasn’t 56 anymore but 16 years old, and around him a shitty classroom that could do with some fixing, or an all too familiar living room, a cluttered bedroom with dark walls–and the smile he was offered had not changed a bit.
“Sugar?” Ellie echoed, a little baffled. Her eyes darted towards the girl, a glint of curiosity.
“Only one who still called me that after we left high-school,” the woman chuckled, stepping forward with her arms open. “Come on, c’mere–it’s been too long.”
Joel hesitated–when was the last time he’d hugged someone? Maybe Tess, though he could not remember when, but that had always been more a clinging-to-each-other type of thing. A hug, that was different, and he felt stuck on the spot all over again.
Before he could overthink it too much, Ellie pushed him forward, making him grunt in protest as he almost fell into the woman’s embrace–he wrapped his arms around her, the movement somewhat foreign, and slowly leaned into it. Despite the cold and snow, she was warm underneath all the layers of clothing she donned, and smelled of freshly cut grass. It reminded him of another time, and if he closed his eyes he could almost see it. He exhaled.
“You stink, Miller–how long have you been out there?” she laughed softly, one hand cupping the back of his head, same way she used to when they were younger. He remembered dancing.
“A while,” he admitted, unable to argue with that, easing into the embrace furthermore. “Sorry,” he added, and she patted his shoulder gently, another delicate chuckle that rang crystalline to his ears.
“I’ve had it worse, it’s alright,” she murmured, chin hooked over his shoulder–he could feel her straining to stand on her tiptoes, slightly unbalanced, and lowered himself against her, face buried in the curve of her neck wrapped by a soft scarf that matched the hat. She sighed softly at the movement, her fingertips scratching across his scalp. “God, it’s good to see you.”
“You, too,” voice slightly muffled and blind to the world, Joel was able to admit that. Maybe it was nostalgia, making him forget everything else for a few moments as he lingered in the peacefulness of that familiar touch, or maybe it was exhaustion, blurring the edges between who he used to be and who he was now.
“I’m so sorry, Joel,” she whispered then, and it felt like ice through his veins. He pulled back slightly, the urge to run away making his limbs tremble–but she kept him caged in, the arm around his shoulders stronger than he remembered (was he tired? Was he too out of it?), and the hand that had brushed his hair falling to his cheek, brushing away some of the grime he’d grown used to by then.
But it was her gaze that kept him rooted, though, that softness he didn’t think could still exist in the world they lived in, and emotions he had almost forgotten, ignoring them each time they presented themselves–it’d be too risky to feel them, too easy to surrender to it again: sorrow, grief. It cut his breath all over again.
“Tommy told me,” she kept her voice low, her touch gentle, rubbing her thumb across his uneven beard. The bustling in the air was foreign after so many months of quiet, and he wasn’t sure which one made his body ache–the current life, or the past death.
“Of course he did,” he scoffed, and her expression shifted, a reprimand in her gaze that used to make him laugh when they were younger, and furthermore when she grew into that same expression, year after year of standing together.
“Joel,” she chided, still soft-voiced, still attempting to comfort him through that small motion on his face. He remembered that touch and kind, encouraging words with a baby in his arms; he remembered his name called out through laughter–hers, his daughter’s; he remembered winters and summers and years before that. He closed his eyes, a furrow in his brow.
“No, of course he did,” he exhaled, shaking his head slightly. “Sorry, it’s just–she really liked you, you know?” his eyes remained closed, trying to push back the pressure building behind his eyelids, trying to swallow the knot in his throat.
“I know,” he felt her nod, press herself closer just as her name was called from behind them. When he looked up at her again, her eyes were shimmering, that vulnerability he hadn’t had the courage to show again after the ringing in his right ear had stopped. “I’m sorry,” she repeated, bringing her other hand to his face, too, holding him like that. He nodded, afraid that if he spoke right away he would crumble.
All it had taken was a gentler touch, and he was ready to fall apart.
“You oughta go–looks like you’re needed,” he cleared his throat, the damn knot clinging to his larynx seemingly impossible to push away. She looked over her shoulder, the group she was with before waving her over, and sighed before turning back towards him.
They still hadn’t let go of each other, and neither seemed willing to make the first move.
“I’m expecting you all for dinner,” she spoke a little louder then, turning her head as if to look past Joel’s shoulder but without moving her gaze from him. “Alright, Tommy?”
“Yes, ma’am,” the younger Miller called, his eyes returning to the pair after having wandered elsewhere for the duration of their reunion–the most privacy that could be given in that context. Ellie hadn’t been as subtle, her head tilted and a curious look in her eyes at the sudden burst of emotion that seemed to roll off Joel’s back. It was astounding.
In the end, she was the first to depart, a kiss to Joel’s cheek that seemed to melt away what little tension was left in him. He stumbled back as she walked towards the group, one last look over her shoulder that ended up being directed towards Ellie, a quick smile and small wave she returned, somewhat unsure.
“I felt the same way,” Tommy rested his hand on his brother’s shoulder, as if to shake him from the haze that seemed to have permeated him thoroughly.
“She been here long?” he was frowning again, forcing his gaze away from the back of her head to look at Tommy. The younger Miller nodded a couple of times.
“Even before I got here,” he said, slowly beginning to lead him away, Joel seemingly rooted to the spot once more. “You know Sugar, she’s always been a step ahead of us,” he added, and in his murmur there was a fond smile.
“Sugar?” Ellie repeated, her eyebrows arched with her returned bafflement.
“Just a stupid nickname,” Joel muttered, shaking himself off in a way that seemed more a recoil–he turned and cleared his throat. “Old nickname. Don’t even know who came up with it in school. It stuck.”
“For you it stuck,” Tommy was smiling, clearly amused. They seemed so different, Ellie thought. Had they always been like that? She wondered if she could ask her. “Pure irony, really,” Tommy continued, addressing her. “She always fought people–a real spitfire.”
“You only say that because you got slapped,” Ellie’s eyebrows arched furthermore at Joel’s scoff, a tint of amusement in his words.
“And you,” the younger Miller retorted, making Ellie’s lips part.
“Oh, I like her,” she exclaimed, turning to look at her–she was back at work, the scarf now covering the lower part of her face, though she could still hear her laughter ring clear.
A week later, they stood in her living room.
Though they’d met again around town after that first day, it had taken both Joel and Ellie a moment to settle in. The house felt odd for them both–Ellie having never had one, Joel not remembering his old one. It helped that she lived just around the corner, and in the morning he’d see her walk by to head towards the center.
Slowly, he found a routine, found a way to make himself useful, and leaned into it. Ellie was wilder, refusing to go to school and spending most of her time in her bedroom, Walkman constantly on as she went through pages and pages of old diaries, old books.
“Wanna come to this thing with me?” was the only thing he asked her that night–they threaded carefully around each other, murmured confessions before he sent her to bed at night (the only thing he was firm with, leaving her her space otherwise). It wasn’t time that did it, Ellie’s head resting on his shoulder as she fiddled with the new record he’d found for her. When I got bit in the mall I wasn’t on my own, Riley’s name bitter on her tongue.
“What thing?” Joel’s hair was slicked back, a new shirt Tommy had gotten for him along with his jacket. He actually looked put together, which was the reason why Ellie sat up quickly. “Are you going to Sugar’s?”
“Stop calling her that,” he muttered, though it was the only way he ever referred her as–old habits, he thought. “Yeah–Tommy and Maria are gonna be there too, we’re all adults so if–”
“Let’s go,” she hopped up.
And so they were in her living room, scarcely decorated but recognisable as hers nonetheless, and Ellie walked around the place with a curious gaze, hands fidgeting at her sides.
“How did you convince her to come here?” Maria asked quietly, as the three of them waited for the lady of the house–she had categorically refused any help in the kitchen, ordering them to wait by the set table. Old habits, Joel thought again.
“I didn’t,” he shrugged, watching the kid linger at a picture set in a cracked frame, the dance of her fingers ceasing for just a moment. “I think she likes her–probably has to do with the slapping stories.”
“Definitely has to do with the slapping stories,” Tommy chuckled, taking a sip of his drink.
“You know I can hear you, right?” Ellie asked, without turning to look at them. “Actually–him I can understand,” Joel scowled at Ellie’s remark while she pointed at him, spinning around to face the three of them. “But why did she hit you?” Maria chuckled at that, while Tommy almost choked on his drink and his face burned a brighter shade of red.
“Ah, well, I–” he cleared his throat–it was another time, he thought. So many years before. “I–kind of made a move on her. And then told her I was gonna join the army,” he rubbed his jaw, some sort of nervous twitch as he glanced in a grinning Maria’s direction. “Still not sure which one pissed her off more.”
“The army,” she said, coming into the living room while holding a fuming pot she was quick to place on the table. Joel’s posture changed, a slight shift towards her by the head of the table and his head twisting so that his gaze would be on her, the ghost of a smile across his lips. “If one of you was going to be a self-sacrificing idiot and leave, I expected that to be Joel.”
“You shipped yourself off to college,” Tommy protested as they sat down–Joel remained next to her on left, Ellie next to him (she didn’t like being on his deaf side, but she preferred it to sitting away), Tommy and Maria on the other side.
“Definitely not the same thing,” she wrinkled her nose in a half-grimace, plating up the food–whatever it was, Ellie couldn’t remember the last time she’d smelled something so good, her stomach already grumbling. Tommy scoffed lightly, passing on the plates.
“Wait, you made a move? If anything I thought–” before Ellie could finish the sentence, Joel pinched her leg, making her yelp and turn to him wide-eyed. “What the hell was that for?”
“Manners,” he muttered–at the corner of his eye, the woman tried to fight off a smile, setting the last plate in front of him. “Eat your food.”
She looked at the older Miller and the kid throughout the dinner and the chats, the scowls and grins, his reprimands and her sharp tongue. It was a familiar scene, late dinners stolen in a living room she once knew like it was her own.
The younger brother leaving early on was familiar, too, Maria tiring easily from the pregnancy and Tommy refusing to leave her side for longer than necessary–her heart ached at the thought of Tommy Miller having grown up, until it functioned as a reminder that growing up in their world now meant surviving. It was easier to think of it like that.
“Just means you’re gonna have to come back for dessert,” she said as Maria hugged her, winking in Tommy’s direction, too.
“We should get going, too,” Joel cleared his throat once it was just the three of them, heading for the rack where his and Ellie’s jacket hung. She had the fleeting thought that he was trying to avoid being alone with her–though they weren’t really alone–as he had for the whole week. A quick greeting and then away, never lingering too much around her. She figured it was because he was still settling in–hoped that was the reason, in spite of the years gone by.
“But I want dessert!” the girl protested, still sat at the table (by herself).
“Ellie,” he sighed heavily, not turning to look at her as picked up her coat.
“Joel,” she retorted in the same tone, unmoving. The woman looked between the two of them with an eyebrow arched, fighting the smile off of her lips the moment Joel sighed again, head falling forward. It wasn’t needed, but Ellie took it a step further, softening her voice for a, “Please?”
Joel Miller had always had a hard time saying no to his daughter. Guess things hadn’t changed that much.
“If we’re bothering–” he started, his gaze flicking from Ellie to her.
“Oh, quit that, Miller,” she scoffed, waving her hand dismissively. “Ellie, grab your plate, come,” Joel remained frozen for a moment as the girl beamed, standing with the plate in her hands and quickly following her towards the kitchen. A beat, and then he went after them, bringing with him the rest of the dirty dishes they’d left behind.
“What is that?” Ellie had stopped abruptly at the entrance of the kitchen, eyes wide, forcing Joel to walk around her at the last moment, stumbling towards the woman who was placing a tray onto the counter. He lingered a moment, his gaze following the twisted pattern made of golden dough, and once more he felt transported back ages in time.
“My mama’s apple pie,” she said gently, a smile grazing her face–there was a bitterness to it, too, with the realization that that was probably the first time Ellie saw one outside of pictures. “We produce the flour ourselves, and have the dogs check it for possible contamination, so it’s safe,” Joel could almost see the hope in her eyes in trying to reassure the kid, grabbing the knife and offering it to her by the handle. “Wanna have a go?”
Ellie’s eyes shimmered with excitement as she took the sharp knife, getting closer to her–she leaned with one arm on the counter, while with the other hand she showed her where to start, mimicking the movement of cutting down towards the crust. As he placed the dirty dishes in the sink, Joel inhaled deeply, the perfume coming out of the still warm filling in fumes.
“Jesus,” he muttered with a soft groan, turning around quickly. Ellie stilled, her gaze flickering from where she held the knife up to him, then back to the grinning woman who was looking at him, too. “Sorry.”
“You know, your–” she stopped herself, clearing her throat before straightening her back. “Joel would always know when we made this at my place. I don’t know how but he did–never failed to show up when my mama got one in the oven.”
“Sixth sense,” Joel chuckled, getting closer as well, his mouth already watering. “Smells just like then,” he mumbled, shifting on the spot when she bumped her hip against him, her smile widening. “You know, Sarah wanted to call you to bring it over, before–” he cut himself off.
Ellie shuffled on the spot, the knife in her hand a sudden weight she didn’t like–Joel had mentioned just in passing Sarah to her, admitting first and foremost to her existence, half-joking over their differences. But whenever he did his eyes would go unfocused, gaze dropping to the broken watch.
She watched as the woman pressed herself slightly closer, hand brushing the back of Joel’s, right up to the cracked watch before she even looked up, the movement seemingly enough to draw Joel’s attention towards her; she watched as the man cleared his throat, right hand twitching before he exhaled, pulling back as if in afterthought, reaching for the cupboard; she watched Sugar’s head drop slightly, and then straighten again with a forced smile in her direction. Ellie returned it tentatively.
“Alright, kiddo–it’s best when it’s warm,” she encouraged, taking the knife from her as Joel returned with clean plates. She deposited the slice on one, pushing it in Ellie’s direction. “Too bad we haven’t got any ice cream, tastes even better with that.”
“Can’t miss what I never tried, right?” Ellie shrugged, that crooked smile still on. “Thanks,” she added then, stepping away, back towards the living room. She’d started to learn when others needed space.
“Joel,” his name whispered was like a bucket of ice water thrown in his face, a shuddering breath leaving him when he turned to look at her. Her head was slightly tilted, a soft gaze that tethered on mournful. Joel didn’t want pity. He wanted so much, but not pity.
“Can’t,” he said through gritted teeth. Her hand reached for him again, slower, fingers brushing his knuckles as they whitened with the clench of his fists above the counter. “Sugar, I can’t,” he repeated, looking down. She pressed her palm over the back of his hand, a firm knead to unfurl his fingers from where they pushed into his own palm, blunt nails still leaving their mark. He shook his head.
“It’s just me,” she kept her voice low, soft.
Tommy had told her a lot–the whole of it, really. Sarah’s death. Joel’s attempt. The shift in him–the shift in them both, but mostly Joel. The anger. The bad, awful things they’d done. The anger, the only thing Joel seemed to have felt for the past 20 years.
It nearly broke her heart.
“I know,” his eyes flickered towards the door leading to the living room, Ellie’s head peeking from behind the backrest of the armchair. “You haven’t changed one bit, but I–”
“That’s not true,” she shook her head, scooting closer. “I have. Everybody has. We had to,” curling her fingers around his hand, she slowly picked it up, bringing it closer to her. There were calluses on her fingers he didn’t remember from the years before, lines across her face he thought were a trick of the light. “You think you lost your humanity when Sarah died, but that’s not true,” she tilted her head towards the living room, gaze flickering to Ellie, the scrape of the fork against the plate the only sound coming from her. “She’s proof of that. You must see that.”
“She was a job,” his hand felt cold in hers, fingers twitching slightly. Each time, she squeezed it softly, bringing it closer to her stomach. He could feel her warmth even like that.
“She was,” she nodded in agreement, shifting so she could meet his gaze. “And now?”
“It’s complicated,” he returned, and a bittersweet smile grazed her lips.
“You always saw things as more complicated than they actually were,” she let go of him, and Joel clenched his hand suspended mid-air in her direction, while she turned towards the counter, taking the knife up again to cut two more slices of pie and plate them. “Perhaps you’re not exactly your old self, but you’re still almost you, no matter what you tell yourself, Joel,” she pushed one of the plates in his direction, glancing at him once more. “Eat up.”
Joel had a hard time breathing. It happened less frequently–it had been weeks since his last episode, he’d almost forgotten about it–but it still did, every now and then. He hated it.
He wasn’t sure what triggered it: he wasn’t doing anything specific, was just thinking about how to fix the creaky step that led up and down his patio, when all of a sudden he couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t breathe and his chest ached, right in the middle, like a weight trying to pin him down against the ground–but the ground didn’t feel stable, and he had to lean against the wall for support while everything spun around him.
Worst of all was the ringing in his ears. He’d gotten used to the muffled sounds in his right ear, and the sudden high pitched noise made him dizzy, made his vision waiver, made him unable to exhale. The next breath scratched at his throat, like a badly chewed bite refusing to go down, no matter how many times he tried to swallow.
“Dad?” he gasped, the town suddenly in front of him again. The edges were still blurred, but right in front of him stood Ellie–a few steps behind, Sugar had her head tilted, a curious gaze in her eyes.
“What?” his voice rang still distant, somehow, and he shook his head, trying to clear the clouds away.
“I said are you alright?” Ellie frowned, getting a step closer. “Joel, are you going deaf in both ears?” she asked, and that melted away the tension in Joel’s shoulders with a sigh.
“Very funny,” he muttered, pushing himself off from the school wall. “I just got distracted, is all. You ready?” he cleared his throat, glancing briefly in the woman’s direction.
“You know you don’t have to come get me every day, right?” Ellie mumbled, moving at his side. “It’s not like I can run away,” Joel gave her a look–eyebrows arched, head slightly tilted, that same expression he used when Tommy said something dumb. Ellie could almost hear it.
You ran away from FEDRA and sneaked into a sealed mall. I wouldn’t put it past you.
Maybe he had a point.
“Bye, Ms. Sugar!” a girl called from behind them, dark hair pulled away from her freckled face. “Ellie, you coming?” she waited, expectantly. Ellie turned towards Joel, whose face had shifted into a simil-scowl.
“So that’s what you meant, huh?” he crossed his arms, to which Ellie responded with a lopsided grin, looking at him expectantly, the mute question clear in her eyes. Can I? “Wait, Ms. Sugar?” he turned to look at the woman who still stood there, and she snorted.
“Ask Ellie about it,” she retorted, clearly amused by the guilty look creeping across the girl’s face. “She’ll be right there, Dina!” she called out then, a little louder.
“I didn’t mean to, okay?” Ellie protested, with a small kick to the melting snow in front of her. “You call her that all the time–it just came out of my mouth,” she argued then, pointing at Joel.
“Are you blaming me for calling your teacher with a nickname?” he returned, baffled.
“Yes,” Ellie nodded. Behind Ellie, he saw her stifle a giggle, quick to lower her head and cover her mouth with a hand. The girl looked up at him still, eyes softening in a pleading motion. “Can I go?”
“Sure,” he sighed–the word was barely out of his mouth before Ellie was already darting away, running towards her smiling friend. “I’m sorry,” he said then, turning to her.
“It’s alright, Joel,” clearly amused, she shook her head and took a step closer to him, hands dropped at her sides. “Besides, I think only Dina heard her. Maybe Cat, too, but it’s no big deal,” she shrugged, standing right in front of him now. Joel tightened his grip around Ellie’s bag strap, lowering his gaze to her.
“She good?” he asked, a little quieter. “This Dina, she–”
“Yes, she’s a good kid,” she said with a smile and a small nod, tilting her head slightly. “You can rest easy, Mr. Miller,” at that, Joel snorted, rolling his eyes.
“Mr. Miller,” he mocked, to which her smile widened. “Haven’t been called that since I had to meet with Sarah’s teachers,” as soon as the words were out of his mouth, his expression fell slightly, gaze unfocused. He thought he was about to stop breathing again, when she placed her hand on his upper arm, pressing gently against the jacket sleeve.
“Joel,” with a whisper of his name, he snapped his eyes back up towards her–a worried crease crossed her forehead, knitting her brows closer. “What is it?”
She knew what it was. She’d seen it, in people younger and older than him; she’d felt it on her own skin, clawing at her throat in a desperate attempt to clear her airways. Hers had never been as immobile as Joel’s. She kicked and screamed and cried until she was spent and aching all over.
“Just–” he clicked his tongue and thought of lying.
He still felt unsure, unsteady, both wanting to keep her at arm’s length and welcoming her back in his life like before, drown in the comfort he’d found in her presence year after year since they were kids. She’d tried to reassure him, and he knew she was right–you could not live in the world they did and not change. But he remembered her in pigtails on the first day of school, he remembered her prom dress being awfully 80s, and he remembered the first time he’d seen her with Sarah–gentle voiced and wide eyed, holding her as if she might shatter should she breathe a little too hard.
“It’s like starting all over again with her–not sure if I’m doing right or wrong whenever I make a decision,” he admitted then, voice low–she got closer, gaze softening. He wanted to lean into her all of a sudden, but clenched his fists instead, the strap of Ellie’s bag digging in his palm. “I can’t disappoint her, can’t–I can’t fail her, too.”
“You didn’t fail anyone, Joel,” he almost disagreed, but the look she gave him didn’t leave room for any argument. He snapped his mouth shut. “It’s odd, adjusting to this place–I didn’t sleep properly for a year, flinched at every noise. When Maria asked me if I wanted to teach I thought she’d lost her mind,” she scoffed, shaking her head lightly. “And then I had my first full night of sleep. The kids and parents started waving at me in the streets. I ate food that hadn't expired 10 years ago. It’s–give yourself some time to adjust, Miller. Both of you.”
Joel exhaled, tipping his head slightly back and looking up towards the sky–it was sunny, mercifully, the cold starting to become bearable. He felt her shuffle forward rather than see her, eyelids fluttering when she rested her hand over his shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze.
“Ellie’s doing good,” she reassured then, smiling when he looked back at her. “She’s–a little wild, maybe, but she feels safe here. With you. She’ll be alright,” head tilted slightly to the side, the scarf wrapped around her neck slipped–he almost reached up to fix it for her. “So will you.”
“You always knew what to say, didn’t you?” he sighed, turning his head a little–he felt her hand move from his shoulder to his upper arm, warmth spreading wherever her touch lingered. He leaned into it.
“Not really, most of the time I winged it,” she shrugged, and his smile returned, although tentative, while shaking his head. “How’d you think I made it through college?”
“Brains, Sugar,” without thinking too much about it, he reached up and pinched her chin, gently tilting her head back a little. “You’ve always had more brains than us combined. I think we both should’ve listened to you more.”
“Took you long enough to admit that,” she grinned, following the curve of his arm down to where his hand still brushed her face. She brushed her fingertips along the back of his hand, lingering at his knuckles. “It hurt to say it out loud, didn’t it?” he chuckled, shaking his head.
“No, actually. I’m quite alright,” her eyebrows arched, wrapping her fingers around his hand for balance before reaching for his forehead with her other one. Joel laughed then, taking one small step back to balance them both, eyes crinkling at the touch. “What are you doing?”
“Checking if you have a fever,” she replied, nonchalantly, shifting her hand over his temple, over his cheek. “God forbid this affects you physically,” she added in a mock whisper, unable to hide the amusement in her words. Still laughing, Joel let go of Ellie’s bag to reach up and grab her other hand.
“Alright, alright,” he pulled his head slightly back, holding their joined hands between them–she’d tipped forward, unbalanced, and he held her upright, looking back down towards her grinning face. “You’ve made your point. Thank you.”
“Good,” she chuckled. They remained like that a moment longer, simply looking at each other, before she cleared her throat and glanced quickly over her shoulder. “I should go. Gotta fix up the classroom or else Hell might just break loose tomorrow.”
“Right,” he let go of her, his palms tingling still. “Well, I–thank you, Sugar. I mean it.”
“I know you do,” expression softened again, she stepped back–they had barely realized how close they were. Joel missed it right away. “I’ll see ya, Miller.”
“Sure,” he murmured in return, one of the hands he’d kept lifted doing a half-wave as she turned around. He kept it up, gaze lingering on her back until she’d vanished back into the building.
“Damn,” he whipped around with his eyes wide, gaze immediately falling to Ellie at his side.
“What are you doing here?” he muttered, a quick look over his shoulder and then past Ellie’s head. “Language,” he added right away, making her snort.
“Didn’t know you could laugh,” she retorted, her eyebrows arched.
“That's bullshit, you’ve heard me before,” he frowned, and Ellie’s grin widened.
“Language,” she mocked him, making Joel scowl. “Sure I did, but it wasn’t like this.”
“Like what?” still frowning, he watched her shrug and point vaguely at him.
“This,” she repeated, then shrugged and grabbed her bag from the ground in front of him. “Anyways, I came back to get this. Bye.”
“Ellie!” he protested, though she was already skipping away. “Like what?”
Winter passed, and the first glimpses of Spring came to Jackson in the shape of flowers and fruit, an unfrozen ground giving them the first rewards. Ellie would spend more days outside with her friends, but every now and then she’d hang back with him, sitting on the porch while he tried to teach her how to play guitar.
“Now try the next one,” he nodded, after a while she’d been repeating the same three notes, a small melody she’d been practicing.
“I can’t do the next one,” she protested, keeping at it. Joel began to argue, but a movement at the corner of his eye made him turn around–with his good ear towards Ellie, he didn’t hear the woman’s steps until she was in his peripheral vision. He followed her with his gaze, head turning as she went–her hands were occupied by a large box, and when she noticed them she just smiled, but didn’t stop. “No, Ellie, don’t say that. You’re doing great. You can do it.”
“What?” he cleared his throat, snapping his head back around towards the kid. She was scowling, arms crossed over the guitar as he stared at him. “You are doing good. Go to the next one,” at that she rolled her eyes, lips parting with a scoff. “What?” he repeated.
“Will you quit being a stubborn ass?” Ellie groaned, lowering the guitar and leaning back into the seat. Joel’s eyebrows arched high, disbelief painted across his face.
“Watch your mouth, kid,” she scoffed again, tapping across the wood.
“Yeah, yeah,” she practically brushed him off. “But will you?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Joel mimicked her, leaning back against the backrest and crossing his arms, his head twisting ever so slightly towards where he was looking before, towards her. A groan escaped her.
“Oh, please, you know perfectly well,” Joel frowned now, watching as Ellie pointed her finger in the woman’s direction–she was too far to see them, or hear them, but still Joel tapped against her extended hand. “You like her,” the girl said, bringing her hand back towards her chest. It was Joel’s turn to scoff.
“Yeah, I like her–we’ve been friends since we were kids,” he shrugged, then folded his arms across his chest once more. Ellie rolled her eyes again.
“No, I mean you like like her. Like you’re in love with her,” Joel snorted, shaking his head.
“What would you know about that?” despite the levity in Ellie’s tone, her face darkened for a moment–it had been a while since he’d seen that look in her eyes, and a pang of guilt shot through him right away. He shifted in his seat.
“I have eyes,” Ellie muttered, placing the guitar down to curl up in the chair, legs up to her chest and arms crossed. “Pretty sure the whole of Jackson knows. It’s obvious.”
“Ellie, we’ve known each other ages,” Joel sighed, leaning forward, elbows resting on his knees. “If I had a problem I’d go to her, and if she had a problem she’d come to me. We’ve been there for each other during–” he cleared his throat, lowering his gaze, “most of the worst times of our lives.”
“And you’ve never–” she trailed off.
“No,” he shook his head with a light smile.
“Not even once?” again he shook his head. “Seriously?”
“Tommy had a crush on her,” he shrugged, and she straightened her back.
“So you thought about it, then,” she exclaimed. Joel dropped his head slightly with a sigh.
“I was a teenager once, you know,” she arched her brows. “She was nice, and she was my friend, and she was real pretty–but there are things that are more important than a crush.”
Ellie was quiet for a moment, leaning back down, her fingers tapping up and down her shins as she lowered her gaze, eyebrows pinched together.
“Did–did Sarah like her?” it had started to be easier, talking about her. While Joel still felt the hurt of her absence, the anger and disbelief of his grief had turned into quiet acceptance. Ellie would rarely ask questions about her, but he found it helped.
“She loved her,” he nodded, easing back into the chair. “There weren’t a lot of women in Sarah’s life, but she was there, especially when she needed it the most. And she did love Sarah back–so much,” a fond smile caught on his mouth.
“Yeah, I figured,” Ellie mumbled, tilting her head a little. “It’s her, isn’t it? In the picture with the cracked frame at her place.”
Joel had tried to not linger too much on that picture–Sarah was young in it, 3 or 4 maybe, a full head of curls sticking out on every side. He remembered fighting each day to try and fix it, and her laughing at his feeble attempts. She taught him first–simple hairstyles he could do in the mornings before dropping her off to school and that would survive the day ahead–and then Sarah herself for when she did not want to leave it as it was.
She’d been there for him and Sarah all the time, and he wasn't sure he’d thanked her nearly enough for it. When her mom left, when she started teething, walking, talking, on her first day of school, and every year after that, leaving campus to be at each game, each recital. Clothes, music, movies, all of it–she was always there.
“Yes,” he nodded, slowly. Ellie hummed.
“You should fix that for her,” she said then, standing almost abruptly. “Might be nice. It might also give you an excuse,” she added with a shrug.
“I don’t need an excuse, Ellie,” he sighed, picking the guitar from her. The girl shrugged again, then headed inside. “You’re going somewhere?”
“Cat’s!” she called from inside. Joel strummed a few slow notes, waiting for her to come back out–she did so rushing, jacket half-thrown on. “I still think I’m right. Bye!”
She glanced up from her handiwork when a step echoed a little louder over the gravel, her face immediately splitting in a wide smile and Joel’s half-still stance in the low streetlight.
“Knitting on the porch? That’s new,” he grinned, resuming walking towards her.
“If my mother could see me now, right?” she retorted with a chuckle he matched with a smile of his own, leaving the half-finished sweater aside to stand up. “Hi,” she said then, moving forward to the steps he was climbing.
“Hi,” he returned, stopping one step down so they were at the same level. He brought his hands forward from behind his back, the previously cracked frame and picture within, his gaze lingering on Sarah’s smile a moment longer. “Fixed it for ya.”
“Oh,” she looked over her shoulder, towards the slightly ajar door as if to look at the spot it had been resting. “You didn’t–thank you,” she said, carefully picking it from him.
“Sure,” he shrugged lightly, burying his now empty hands in his pockets. “Thought I’d just stop by,” he added, shuffling slightly. Her smile widened.
“You know you don’t need an excuse to just stop by, right?” she turned around, gesturing at him to follow as she headed inside, lingering at the entrance to place the picture right back where it belonged.
“I know,” he mumbled, lingering at the threshold. One of his guitars was in the living room, resting against the armchair Ellie had curled up in and ended up falling asleep on during the first time they’d gone over. The last time, he’d forgotten the instrument, after Tommy had insisted vehemently he should’ve brought it with him.
“I meant to bring that over,” she said, catching him looking at it. “I saw you teaching Ellie,” she added, pinching one string as she passed by it before heading to the kitchen.
“Yeah, tryin’ to,” Joel followed, fingertips tingling stuffed in his pockets. “She’s good.”
“Better than I was?” she returned with two glasses filled with amber liquid and a grin on her face. “Sweet tea–I got some of the first lemons.”
“Baking, making sweet tea, knitting,” he picked the cool glass from her with a grateful look–the simple act of holding it gave him back another piece of home he thought was gone forever. It had happened quite a few times since they’d found each other again. “You’re turning into your mother, Sugar.”
The woman snorted, rolling her eyes as she stepped away, and Joel was quick to hide his smirk behind the rim of the glass.
“I’ll pretend that was a compliment, Miller,” she squinted in his direction, mock-menacingly.
“C’mon, you know I loved your mother,” he argued before taking a sip–he hummed softly, eyes shutting on instinct. If he focused, he could hear the fire crackling and water bubbling over the stove as her mother made it, could taste the sugar and lemon or peaches she’d slip them in the meantime. He sighed. “I’ll tell you what–your talents clearly reside in this, not that,” he added, pointing towards the guitar. She laughed again.
“Well, I’d rather listen to the music than play it,” she declared, her chin tilted upwards, a grin mimicking his own. Then her eyes widened, a shimmer in them as she jolted on the spot, quickly resting the glass down on the table. “I’ve gotta show you something!”
A small frown knitted his brow as he licked the sweetness from his mouth and followed her with his gaze, hurried steps towards the bedroom that echoed in the quiet of the home. She was gone a few minutes, returning after a moment of rattling, a wide smile spread across her face. Joel’s eyes fell to the object in her hands–a portable CD player, not so different from the one she’d gifted Sarah in the 90s but they always ended up stealing once she was asleep.
“Audio is not the best, to be fair, but after so many years without music–” she stopped in front of him, offering one of the earphones to him while she put the other one in.
Still frowning lightly, Joel shuffled closer, the short cord forcing him forward. The drum arrived first, the sound slightly scratched, and with her smile widening she looked up at him. Like the beat beat beat of the tom-tom, he chuckled as she freed his hands, rocking from one side to the other following the rhythm.
“Where’d you get this?” he stumbled forward when she took one of his hands, tugging him closer–the other fell to her side to second her swinging–he couldn’t help returning her infectious smile as she shrugged lightly, her free hand reaching on his shoulder.
“Luck–I found it before getting here along with a couple of CDs,” she looked up at him, head slightly tilted. “This one reminded me of you,” she added, voice softer–for a moment, her smile faltered.
She’d never thought she’d see him again, keeping the record out of pure nostalgia for someone she hadn’t seen in years. Someone she always feared was gone. They’d listened to Ella Fitzgerald constantly during their teenage years, Joel sneaking some of his parents’ records to her house, or locking themselves into listening booths for hours until they were kicked out. Dancing as they were in that moment.
“Only you beneath the moon and under the sun,” she hummed, their movements slowing with the song. “Whether near to me or fat, it’s no matter darling where you are–”
“I think of you night and day, day and night, why is it so?” he joined in, voice low, head bending slightly towards her–her smile returned, a shimmer in her eyes.
“Your voice’s changed,” she murmured, taking half a step closer. “S’warmer. I like it.”
“Thought you always liked my voice,” he smiled, tucking his chin to look down at her. She nodded with a low chuckle, locking their already joined hands together by intertwining their fingers.
“’Course I did,” she scoffed, rolling her eyes mockingly. She gave a squeeze to his hand then, lowering her head slightly. “I missed it–this,” she inhaled sharply then, a shallow sound that temporarily overwhelmed the music. “You,” she added, almost in a whisper that would’ve been lost to him had he not been looking at her mouth.
Joel’s heart stuttered, a soft sigh at her admission as his eyes fluttered shut, just a moment. Tongue-tied, he shifted closer, as close as he could get, the hand on her waist moving to the small of her back, wrapping his arm around her. He didn’t know how to tell her, how to let his mouth form the words that clouded his head–that had been since he’d seen her again. He couldn’t say it, not for lack of trying.
“Sugar,” he whispered, and she nodded, leaning forward and cutting him off.
The song went on, and she rested her head on his chest–the hand on his shoulder was soft, arm almost draped across it as she toyed absentmindedly with the collar of his shirt, brushing the nape of his neck every now and then. Their joined ones fell to his chest, arms bent, the warmth of her exhales brushing across their knuckles. He bent his head slightly, cheek barely brushing the top of her head, and he tightened his arm around her waist to keep her close–each song closer, until the music stopped.
They stayed like that a moment longer, even in silence, his heart beating the only sound she could hear, silence on his end with his good ear plugged by the earphone. She rubbed her thumb against the side of his hand, small movements that made his eyelids droop. He caught a glimpse of the top of her head like that, the curve of her nose, her eyelashes brushing her cheeks and the small pout on her relaxed mouth, all half-hidden against him. She looked–
“Ah, fuck’s sake,” he muttered to himself, and she blinked rapidly before looking up, wide-eyed. She tilted her head, gently pulling his earphone off.
“What is it?” she cleared her throat, taking a small step back. The hold on his hand began loosening, so he forced himself to ease his arm around her waist, too, shaking his head.
“Nothin’, just–something Ellie said, it’s not important,” he let go of her when her brows knit, a hint of perplexity in her gaze. “I should go, actually. Check she’s actually gone to sleep.”
“Of course,” she returned quickly, stepping even further back, hands falling to her sides and rubbing down slowly, palms dragging along the seams of her jeans. “Thank you. For the frame–and passing by.”
His right hand twitched slightly at his side, and he took a small step back, nodding at her words. He stopped then, moving forward once more–he pushed past the knot in his throat and the tingling in his limbs and his heart dropping, and reached for her face. She leaned into his touch, his hands cupping over her cheeks as he shifted closer once more, brushing a delicate kiss to her forehead, her lips curled into the beginning of a smile. He held her gently, the touch of his lips lingering a moment longer over her skin before he moved away.
“See ya, Sugar.”
Summer was relentless. With days spent seeking shadows and some reprieve from the heat, the nights were unbearable in their stillness. Joel couldn’t sleep–after 20 years in Boston, he wasn’t used to the Southern heat anymore.
And he would be lying to himself if he thought that was the only reason why.
He kept replaying the conversation with Tommy in his head, over and over. He was haunted by it, sitting on the porch in the quiet of Jackson’s night.
“Ellie’s right, it is getting painful to watch.”
“The hell are you talking with Ellie about?”
“You and Sugar. It’s worse than when we were young, actually.”
“What do you mean?”
“Means this time I can’t pretend to ask her out so that you finally get your head out of your ass and admit you like her. You gotta wake up, Joel.”
He was awake. Truth was, Joel had felt like he had been living in a nightmare for the past 20 years–and now he was awake and didn’t know what to do with himself. He didn’t know how to be himself anymore. Or how to be a person.
Perhaps that was why he was knocking on her door while everyone else was asleep. Perhaps he was just too much in his head about it. Perhaps–
“Joel?” his eyes fell down across her, flimsy night clothes clinging to her for a split second before he forced his gaze up, breath stuttering slightly. “It’s the middle of the night, what happened?”
“Sorry–shit,” he looked away, past his shoulder, back at her–was his heart beating faster? Were his hands shaking? He felt like it. “You’re right. Sorry, I’ll just–it can wait,” he stepped back, shaking his head.
“It clearly can’t, since you knocked at my door like a maniac,” she said it with a little grin, and some tension left his shoulders at the sight of it, of her stepping back and opening the door further for him. “C’mon, get inside.”
Joel walked past her and his steps faltered, tilting his head in her direction with a sharp inhale before moving along, fists opening and closing down his sides. He’d gotten better at that–not letting it all overwhelm him. Understand when the world might begin tipping under his feet and stabilize himself. He was trying–for Ellie, for his brother, for her, he was really trying.
“What happened?” she asked softly. They stood in the living room as they had before, as they had when they’d danced, except they were each on one end of the couch, a gaping emptiness between the two of them. “Should I start to get worried? You look like–”
“I like you,” he blurted out, recoiling at the shift in his own voice–so much louder than her careful tone. She blinked rapidly, head slightly tilted.
“I should hope so,” she scoffed, the reassuring smile she had before turning into a downright amused one. But Joel was shaking his head already, hands still restless. “Joel–”
“No, I mean–I like like you,” she blinked again, lips parting slightly and making her smile begin to dwindle. “Like I think I might be in love with you,” he closed his eyes, inhaling sharply–of course Ellie’s voice would echo in his head right then. Making an absolute fool out of him. “And I think I’ve always been and just didn’t know, or maybe I did know and I just didn’t want to fuck up this too, because I always fucked up everything, every relationship I ever had but ours, and the thought of losing you was terrifying–is terrifying,” he gasped a little between words, each one falling out of his mouth and out of his control. “Or maybe I wasn’t, you know? Maybe–maybe I just–”
“Joey,” she called him softly–so soft he almost didn’t hear her, and reacted first to her hand resting over his chest. His eyes flew open, gaze unfocused for a moment running across her face before they locked with hers, familiar and gentle. She pressed her palm against his chest, and he knew for sure his heart was stuttering underneath her touch. “Take a breath.”
He gasped again, shoulders dropping forward as if wrapping himself around her hand with a long exhale. Blindly, he reached for her, fingers wrapping around her wrist.
“Another,” she instructed, taking his other hand gingerly, and he did. Inhale, exhale, stumbling forward. “It’s just me, Joey.”
“You’re the only one who’s ever called me that, y’know?” he whispered, breathlessly. She gave him a little smile, tapping two fingers on his chest. Slowly, his heartbeat matched her rhythm, and he squeezed her wrist once, gently.
“Wanna try that again?” she murmured, tilting her head a little to the side.
“You can kick me out,” he retorted in a mumble, and she sighed. She shifted the hand she was holding, thumb pressing into his wrist, right above his pulse, right above the strap of his watch, while the rest of her fingers spread across the back of his hand.
“And why would I do that?” Joel met her gaze again–awaiting, reassuring, familiar gaze.
“You’ve known me all our lives, Sugar,” she nodded at his heavy sigh. “You’ve seen me fuck everything up, multiple times–Christ, you’ve seen me fuck things up with Sarah’s mother, too,” again she nodded, and he lowered his voice, breath stuttering. “Yet you were always there for me.”
“Of course I was,” with the last nod, she smiled–it was bittersweet, made his heart ache.
“I loved you for that. More than I knew could be possible,” he bowed his head, the tip of his nose brushing hers tentatively. “And I love–I love–I love you still.”
Her exhale was long, fingers curling over his chest and twisting in the fabric of his shirt–he stumbled forward ever so slightly, the hand he had around her wrist falling against her side balancing himself as she brought her lips close to his. Close, without touching, his breath stuttering when her exhale hit his skin.
“You’ve been the best half of my life, Joel,” there was a scratch in her voice that wasn’t there before, words trembling ever so slightly. “You–I’ve always known I loved you. I knew I loved you, I just–I don’t think I ever realized how much until I lost you. Or found you again.”
“Sugar–” she shook her head, humming.
“Not done,” she chided, and he snapped his mouth shut, almost chuckling. “You were my best friend. I’d like to think you still are, even after these awful fucking years because I–I’ve always needed you, Joel,” the hand on his chest shifted upwards slightly, resting at his collarbones. “And I still do. I need you in my life–I need you.”
“You do have me, sweetheart,” he said, hurriedly, pulling back ever so slightly. Her eyes were shimmering, and he wrapped his arm around her waist to pull her close–her hand slid to the side of his neck, lips quivering slightly. He was looking at her lips. “However you want me, you have me.”
“I do love you, even now,” her thumb traced figures eight over his neck with one hand, small circles on his wrist with the other. Soothing. Gentle. Calming. “Whoever it is you think you’ve become now–I love you. I need you to understand that.”
Joel’s mouth opened. Closed. Opened. Closed again, a thin line cutting through his face. She was looking at him as if she could see right through him, pick up the pieces of his hesitation during the months just gone by, and the years before that. Reading him as she’d always done, and speaking directly to his foolish heart, reassuring him–you’ll get through the year, you’ll get through the grief, you’ll be alright, Sarah’ll be alright, we’ll be alright, I love you, I love you, I love you.
“I know,” he hummed, tightening his hold around her. Her body softened into his with a long exhale, the hand rising to his jaw, scratching along his patchy beard. “I’m trying, sweetheart.”
“I know you are,” she cupped his cheek, and in spite of the heat he didn’t mind the warmth radiating from her palm. His eyes fluttered shut. “C’mere.”
She wrapped her arms around his neck, his head falling forward against the curve of her neck. He leaned fully into the circle of her arms, reaching out with his other free hand too to keep her close, her back slightly arched towards him, locked together like pieces of a puzzle. Freshly cut grass welcoming him home, he dug his fingertips into her sides and brushed his mouth to her neck–a half kiss, hesitant and tentative. If he got a full taste, he knew he’d want nothing else for as long as he lived.
That was a lie. He already didn’t, couldn’t fathom it.
Slowly, she tipped her head to the side, granting him more space–he could feel her heartbeat quickening under his parted lips, a hiccup in her breath as she dragged her hands up the nape of his neck, fingertips slowly brushing through the locks at the back of his head, guiding him forward and up. He let her guide him, gave her full control as the tip of his nose traced a path up her jaw, cheek, his lips following.
“Are you teasin’, Sugar?” he whispered, rubbing their noses together, and felt her smile rather than saw it. She shook her head, pressing herself impossibly closer as she scratched his scalp gently. “Then I’m gonna need you to tell me what to do next.”
When he opened his eyes, she was looking at him already, so close she was slightly cross-eyed, long lashes kissing the arch of her brows. His own heart beat a little quicker, a little louder, anticipation building in his limbs as he could feel himself burn from within.
“Kiss me,” just a whisper.
He didn’t need to be told twice.
His heart would never be whole again, that much he knew–a part of it had stayed behind, pierced by a bullet, a 20 years old wound. But he could live again, day by day. He could find his way back to life, with his Ellie on one side and–
Joel caught her lips with his own, and it felt like homecoming. Sweet as sugar, he kissed her slow, without rush, as if trying to make up for each year spent apart, and for each year spent together in the wrong way. He held her as if she might shatter and like he would never let her go both, drank greedily each sigh, each whisper, never once parting until his lungs burned, and then kissing her gasps away, too.
#redahlia#be still my foolish heart#pedrostories#joel miller x reader#joel miller x you#joel miller x y/n#joel miller fanfic#joel miller fanfiction#joel miller fic#tlou fanfiction#pedro pascal characters
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The Mirrorring of Army: Then and Now
I didn't expect my previous post to gain some hate, so here goes my third post of the day:
There are good and bad side to every fandom, but if you spend so much time with the negative. All you will see or feel is that negativity. Yes, some of my experiences with Army have been frustrating, but it's like a sibling relationship. I will still be there for other Army and A LOT of my experiences have honestly been life changing in a good way. I'm sure I'm not the only one that feels this...
In 2019 BTS performed at the GMA. Spoilers: Jikook were very cute. Army there at the time were told to leave quickly and they did, but then returned to pick up their trash or belongings. Last year when Jungkook's concert, also at GMA, got cancelled there was a lot of confusion and fear. Army helped each other to get shelter and reach home. Especially those who were not from the area or who had flown in from South Korea. This is simular to what happened at Busan when the mobile network went down and some I-Army got stranded. K-Army helped them reach their destinations when they got turned down by local taxis.
When BTS did their recent concerts, there were A LOT of complaints about Army not singing along enough. It was obvious that the sound wasn't coming through properly on the stream, because you could hear the chants in fancams. However, there was a delay. Now that we have the PTD Behinds, the members THEMSELVES mentioned about how bad the sound reverb was. There was a delay on the sound in the stadium, depending on where you stood. That's why in some clips it sounds like the fan chants are massively out of sync.
There was also the belief that certain members would get zero cheers whilst on stage. I still do not understand where this lie came from, but it spread very far and hashtags were started. All the members got the loudest cheers I have heard. They always will. It was started to create fear and it started a chain reaction for no apparent reason, because so many like to assume the worse before getting their facts right. Army also helped each other whilst waiting in lines. Again, simular to what happened at James Corden in 2020.
Back in 2019 there were a lot more scandals or hate aimed towards the members than some of you might know of. However, they were dealt with in GC's or in private to prevent those hateful words from spreading. Now it's almost like this hatred is used to get engagement. Paddington, a know anti back then, even said that they would say things to try to get on Report Pages because it would help get them more attention. Antis follow our report pages to know which posts or accounts to boost.
Boosted accounts are harder to take down because of the Twitter algorithm and it's why so many do beg to not engage with such posts. This includes using their name, responding or quoting. Is there an easy solution? I don't really know. But if you ever start to feel unsure, please step away and remember those good times: When MMA 2020 Jikook happened. When we donated money to the Beyond the Rainbow Foundation in South Korea after Yoon won his election. The happiness each Bangton or Run Episode brings. The joy we'll feel once Jin is back...
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I watched Like Crazy
*I’m talking about the movie here so this post contains spoilers of the movie. Do not read this post if you haven’t seen the movie but are planning on it*
Of course, my interest in this movie stemmed from Jimin said that he really likes this movie and that it helped inspire his main track off FACE that goes by the same title. So, I watched it. I’m not much of a movie person and romantic movies are very much an I have to be in the mood to watch it sort of thing. Like Crazy a melancholy movie about an initially passionate heterosexual relationship that becomes complicated over time.
I went into this wanting it to evoke some emotions that Jimin might have felt. I was never moved to tears, but it was a good, sad movie.
The beginning I couldn’t help but notice the parallels in Jikook’s relationship. The main couple Anna and Jacob were very playful in their flirting, and it was really cute. They were inseparable. They did activities together like riding go carts and there was a long scene of them playing on Santa Monica beach which was the same beach that Jikook went to at night during PTD LA era.
Anna the female lead is a foreign exchange student and has to go back to England once they graduate college. The couple plan to make it work, and the morning that she is supposed to leave she decides to stay thinking that it would be a big deal. There is a long montage scene of them staying cuddled up in bed together for days on end, which felt very Jikook coded.
Eventually she has to go back, and they promise to reunite. He gives her a silver bracelet that says “Patience” and she hands him a scrapbook type diary of their moments together.
Once she is home though, they both realize it’s difficult for them to stay in contact. They keep playing phone tag and are busy with work. Eventually, they move onto different relationships but keep trying to make it work but the spark isn’t there.
The movie has an extremely ambiguous ending that felt abrupt.
I am not going to speculate something super in depth about how this movie could tie into Jikook’s relationship. I don’t think they broke up and found different partners like the characters in the movie did, but the theme of the movie being about being forced to be separated from the one you love is for sure is something that relates to them. With MS ahead, they will be separated. When Jimin was busy with FACE promotions and even recording the album itself, they were probably separated more than usual too. And that could have been a hard period for them.
Don’t take this post as any type of insecurity projected onto their relationship. We saw 2 min of JK in Jimin’s live. They are fine 🤣 I was mostly curious to watch this movie and see if I could feel the same emotions that Jimin might have felt. It’s a good movie. I didn’t relate to it much personally, so I don’t have super strong feelings about it. But the movie seemed to have had a lasting impression on Jimin, one of our two hopeless romantics.
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Jungkook Masterlist
JK’s tattoos masterlist
About JK’s tattoo
JK’s tattoos
JK’s tattoos yet again
JK’s tattoos
JK’s tattoos once again
JK’s tiger tattoo
JK’s tattoos
JK’s tattoos sarcastic interpretation
JK’s proud of his tattoos
JM’s silence
What happened in 2019 that brought on JK tattooing JM on his hand
Again with this?
More examples for the upside down V in ARMY
JK’s tattoos still all there
JM’s dad has same A font in his cafe
Omitting JK’s tattoo from art is just wrong
The plus signs - their meaning
JK had work done on his tattoos
Soundcheck and JK’s new tattoo
JK’s tattoos LV 2022
Can someone explain the no tattoo rule on broadcast tv?
JK’s new tattoos and alterations
JK’s tattoo artist
The mic is blue!!!
Poly C posted on IG
Jikook tattoos connected
JK and the JM tattoo once again
JK’s moon tattoo
Again the JM
JK’s songs & covers masterlist
JK’s Decalcomania
All of my life (Park Won) - Jungkook’s cover from 27 February 2018
Jungkook’s cover of Adam Levine’s Lost Stars
Is Magic Shop about Jimin
JK’s cover to ‘Only then’
JK’s Still with you (LINK NOT WORKING)
Just because - Only then again
Your Eyes Tell
Falling
Falling too
Jikook and Lauv’s Never not - JK’s cover included
Jikook and Charlie Puth’s We don’t talk anymore
Jungkook’s cover to Hate everything by Golden
Jungkook and Hate everything
Jungkook spotify recommendation list
Stay alive
My You
JK singing My you to army during Mnet Pre-recording
Left and Right CP/JK MV is out
He is simply adorable
Jungkook has great taste in music
Me, Myself & Jungkook
Mood ‘Inner Self’ Teaser Me, Myself, & Jungkook Special 8 Photo-Folio
Me, myself & Jungkook
Me, Myself & Jungkook update
Me, Myself and Jungkook - what we have so far (16 August 2022)
Me, Myself, and Jung Kook ‘Time Difference’ Concept Film
Me, Myself and Jungkook ‘Time difference’ Teaser ½
Me myself and Jungkook - and the moon
Me, Myself and Jungkook ‘Time difference’ Teaser 2/2
Me, Myself and Jungkook is out
Me, Myself and Jungkook behind the scene post
Me, Myself & Jung Kook ‘Time Difference’ Photoshoot Sketch
Hilarious
The way I see it…(photo folios)
JK IG post (1st) 19 August 2022
Photos and Articles
JK on Weverse 2 August 2022
JK 2021
This is Jungkook - reblog
How pretty is JK?
Jungkook D’festa Photocard and Decobook
Jaykay…please
JK photo
Happy birthday JK on Weverse
Merchbox 8 Interview Photobook scan: Jungkook
JK day 2022
JK Proof photos
JK
JK looking fine
JM-JK 12 April 2023
JK and BAM
JK being a baby daddy
JK Bam’s daddy
Baby Bam
Other
When JK talked about dating
JK’s ideal type
JK’s “so what” to haters
Again with JK’s sexuality
2014 AHL JK
He’s so precious
JK teaching us the power of self control…or not?
Do you love BTS - JK post
JK’s camping Vlog
Good night interview - Jungkook
PTD & JK’s inner diva
JK 2015 birthday log
What makes JK endearing for me
JK is a romantic at heart
JK leaving for the US 8 April 2023
JK back from the US 17 April 2023
Those eyes tell all
JK and his new bangs
Koo the dainty
JM/JK 27 - 30 April 2023
JK hugs
JK the crowned 👑 spoiler king
Felt like I had to bring this back
14.6.23 JK Incheon airport off to LA
JK back from LA 22 June 2023
The terms JK has used to describe JM
Does JK live at Brunnen full time?
Did JK promote other members like he did JM?
JK Incheon airport 12 July 2023
Oh and reminder
JK is the most romantic person in existence - reblogged post
JK pinky ring
JK back from London 24 July 2023
Born for the stage
JK and JM D-day Black N White pics
So Yeah
Why more photos you may ask?
Happy birthday JK - 1 Sep 2023
Ahm...happy birthday JK
JK to perform at Global Citizen Festival
JK back from LA 9 September 2023
JK leaving for NYC 12 September 2023
JK back from NYC 16 September 2023
Jungkook leaving for NYC 21 September 2023
JK back from NYC 25 September 2023
JK behind Xylitol ad 26 September 2023
Me being a broken record again
JK leaving for US 6 October 2023
JK returning from LA 10 October 2023
JK leaving for Budapest 14 October 2023
And this is why JM is worried
Too much Kid Laroi, JK and Central Cee
JK finally back home - 20 October 2023
JK and his relationship with vegemite
JK airport 5 Nov 2023 - leaving for NYC
JK in Qatar
JK Qatar opening
JK shooting a promo (?) in Qatar
This is big
JK and Feb 10 Nov 2022
JK leaving for Qatar 15 November 2022
JK IG Story 15 Nov 22
JK IG story 16 Nov 22 - Run BTS
JK “see you at the opening”
JK meeting the SK team, Qatar World Cup
So proud of JK
JK Dreamers in HD
JK Qatar WC
JK reacted to Hobi’s IG
Wait for it
JK is loving chapter 2
Little did he know
Naver new article - Title look familiar?
Naver new article - Title look familiar? Part 2
JK and the special necklace again
Social Media
JK post post concert
Jaykay…
JK deleted his IG content
JK’s new IG page (which he deleted too)
Yep IG page deleted again
JK on Twitter 19 June 2022
JK on IG 10 August 2022
Bangtan wishes for JK’s birthday 2022
JK IG 7 September 2022
PolyC IG 15 September 2022
JKs IG story 21 September 2022
JK’s IG story 8 October 2022
JK Weverse October 9 2022
JK’s brother’s story 2 Feb 2023
JK on IG - r.i.p. JK’s IG
JK quarantined in LV with covid
Hobi got the all clear and JK is doing ok
Kookie’s bored
Did JK say “try and take me”?
JK has grown and matured so much
JK is out of quarantine
JK with Akiyamachoo
JK’s brother’s IG story 20 March 2023
When you don’t have your own IG
JK Weverse 16 April 2023
JK Weverse 26.4.2023 13:10 KST
JK Weverse 26.4.2023 14:41 KST
JK Weverse 26.4.2023 15:23 KST
JK Weverse 19:51 or 7:51 KST 26.4.2023
JK Weverse 26.4.2023 (again)
JK Weverse 5 May 4:47 pm KST
JK Weverse 21 May
Jakay what you doing - live 25 May 23
JK live 25.5.2023 12:03 am KST
Did someone say JK won’t do the Super challenge?
JK posting about the challenge
Our kangaroo is back
JK 18 June 2023 11:39 am KST
JK’s brother’s IG 30 June 2023
JK Weverse 2 July 2023
If anyone had any doubt about JK's brother and his support of JK.
JK Weverse 31.7 12:11 pm KST
JK Weverse 1.8.23 8:21 pm or 20:21 KST
As if we didn’t know he’s lurking
JK is super active today
Same day
Oh Jimin
Magnate for JK’s birthday
JK birthday pics
JK Weverse 13 September 2023 - The fuck??
JK with BPD and TXT
JK Weverse 1 October 2023
JK TikTok 3 October 2023
JK on Weverse 2 October 2023
JK Weverse 6 October 2023
JK TikTok 8 October 2023
JK Weverse 9 October 2023
JK Calvin Klein
Ladies and gentlemen here we go
Vogue Hong Kong
JK CK global ambassador
JK CK clip GQ Korea
Are we ready for this?
JK Harper’s Bazaar
JK on main page of CK US official site
Who even needs an IG account when all the work can be done on CK’s IG?
And here come the billboards
A megastar
There is no escaping Jeon Jungkook
More to come
What landed overnight - 12 April 2023
JK CK round 2
Let's talk about JK's CK campaign and his tattoos
On set with Jungkook
JK CK 19 April 2023
JK on Vogue HK cover May 2023 issue
JK CK event 10 May 2023
More JK at the CK event 10 May 2023
More JK 10 May 2023
JK CK photoshoot BTB
This is a day
It's not like we weren't expecting it.
I promised not to swear
JK CK 14 August 2023
Knew this was coming
More JK with CK
Art
JK CK photo drops for his birthday
JK at CK event Tokyo 19 October 2023
JK CK 20 October 2023
New JK from CK 26 October
JK and the necklace
Does JK also have a special necklace?
Jikook and the necklaces
JM-JK 12 April 2023 - JK with the necklace again
JK and Tae Dream premiere - JK with the necklace again
JK Seven Masterlist
JK Dazed 2023
JK Dazed October 2023
JK Dazed the article
JK Dazed - more
JK Vogue 2023
JK on Vogue Korea October edition
JK Vogue 2023
JK Vogue 2023 - 18 Sep 2023
A little more from JK's Vogue shoot
The pose
JK Vogue Korea
More from JK’s Vogue spread
It’s out
Ooh la la JK
Told you there was more coming
JK Vogue Korea behind
JK Tik Tok
JK Weverse Smoke dance challenge
JK TikTok 17 September 2023
What did we have yesterday?
JK TikTok 23 September 2023
JK TikTok 8 October 2023
And once again he changes his TikTok
Ask and you shall be answered - 23 October 2023
JK TikTok story 21 October 2023
JK TikTok 21 October 2023
JK TikTok 22 October 2023
This is JK
JK and Le Sserafim - 27 October
JK TikTok Standing next to you with TXT
JK TikTok Standing next to you with Le Sserafim
Global Citizen Festival - GCF
Global citizen festival JK rehearsing
JK Global citizen - global superstar
JK Still with you
What a day - and Euphoria
JK GCF - PTD, Dynamite and Butter
JK GCF Seven performance
Back to GCF 23 Sep 2023 (NYC)
Was that JM?
Did we talk about how anxious JK was?
JK for GQ - GCF
JK 3D masterlist
Golden
So here's me just riding the delulu train and having the time of my life
Ehm...she said as she scratched her head
Golden promotional schedule
JK Golden concept photos are starting to drop
JK Golden concept photos - Solid
JK Golden concept photos - Substance
Golden Tracklist - reblog
JK Golden main track - Standing next to you - poster
The tracklist
JK update 2 November 2023
Hot damn
JK Golden 3 November 2023
This is JK on Spotify
Just dropping these here for a sec
JK Golden relax room Spotify
JK TikTok Standing next to you with TXT
JK TikTok Standing next to you with Le Sserafim
JK I Heart radio performances
JK Spotify Payback challenge
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Ok, should we try to tackle the meaning of this?
During the D-Day documentary, we see this picture sitting on a piano. People became curious about this painting/drawing because: 1. fans are curious about any item the guys own and 2. that sure does look like mint/orange!
Spoiler alert: I don’t have any grand theory here. However, I’m hoping we can at least make some headway in solving this mystery. If you have any thoughts on this, I’d love to hear them!
So…what do we know?
☑️ This would have been filmed at some point post-PTD LA when Yoongi was working on D-Day.
☑️ Yoongi was not at home here. Therefore, we can assume this is either an item that Yoongi travels with or an item that he acquired during his travels.
☑️ To me, this looks like a drawing that was made with oil pastels. But I’d love a second opinion on that.
☑️ If so, that’s a medium that is easily transportable. Unlike paint, oil pastels can be packed in a small box and carried in luggage without fear of it becoming a huge mess.
☑️ The artwork appears to have been placed inside a white mat (the white border around the picture), but it is unframed. It looks to me like it’s been covered with a plastic cover, which again suggests oil pastels or chalk as a medium since those can smudge if left unprotected.
☑️ This fandom is amazing at tracking down items/brands used by the guys. We’ve also seen artists/musicians proudly share things on social media like, “ABC of BTS listened to my song!” If this work was created by an artist, doesn’t it seem like that person would have promoted their work by mentioning it? Their art appeared in the D-Day doc! It is owned my the one and only Min Yoongi! But no, as far as I know that hasn’t happened.
☑️ How incredible is it that we don’t know where this work was sold or who made it?!
☑️ It seems reasonable then to believe that this piece was made by someone who is not a professional artist.
☑️ We know Yoongi likes to paint and to draw. This has been mentioned several times. It’s also interesting to note that Jimin has seen Yoongi’s work and has mentioned that he’s talented when it comes to painting/drawing.
☑️ The subject matter: we see two figures who seem to be huddled together. One has orange hair and the other has mint. And that is definitely mint, not blue. The blue background provides a great comparison.
I think those are all safe assumptions, right? I don’t think I’ve taken any huge leaps; I didn’t even need to use my “warning: speculation” emojis (⚠️ 🤡) in that list!
I’ll just conclude with one more thought: what are the chances? What are the chances that during his travels Yoongi made and/or acquired an artwork that features two people with mint/orange hair, 6-7 years after he and Jimin had mint/orange hair? Is coincidence a possibility here?
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Spoilers for what 👀
spoilers because its from ptd on stage in us that was released today 🥹
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This isn’t really an ask, but I have to get these thoughts off my chest…I keep thinking about how much sense it makes that they were going to take this break in 2020.
It would have been their 7th year, and we know what that number means for them. Not to mention “We Are Bulletproof: The Eternal” literally sounds like a goodbye song — or if not goodbye, at least a career-culminating song of immense gratitude. I mean they literally say “we got to heaven.”
And then the world changed, and no wonder they were so sad that they missed that tour — it was going to be it for them, at least in some ways. And they knew we needed them in that moment, and so they picked themselves up and pivoted, and they brought joy and wisdom and heart and fucking content for the next year and a half straight, worked their absolute asses off, made it to way more people (and got subsequently judged and hated on by more people) than ever. And now, the break isn’t just convenient or good timing or well-deserved — it’s something some of them seem to desperately need on a visceral level.
If we’re being honest, we knew that Dynamite and Butter and PTD sounded… different. Good, but different. We knew they were losing a bit of their direction, and I think that’s worse for some of them than others, based on what they value most (ex: Joon and Yoongi, as lyricists, are heartbroken by not being able to be as authentic as they want, Jimin on the other hand is made for the stage, so most likely, anything that puts him there is enough for him). So instead of burning themselves out, flaming out spectacularly on the world stage, they consciously and carefully planned out this beautiful stepping away, complete with a crap ton of extra content, and new music, and all this shit they really didn’t have to do but they’re them, so of course they did.
If we’re really fans, we HAVE to let them have this. We have to loosen our iron grip and step the fuck back, and say thank you by letting them LIVE. People are going back and forth — debating whether this is the end, or whether we should take their word for it that they’ll be back (sidenote: when have they ever lied?). But it doesn’t matter whether this is permanent or not — they gave their whole youth up for BTS. They sacrificed like nobody’s fucking business, even two years after they thought they would.
Let’s be grateful for once? Maybe? Grieving is cool, but let’s not be angry, or paranoid, or panicky. If all that they’ve been is all they’ll ever be, it was more than enough. And we know them — it won’t be.
Namjoon said that he’s living in the best possible reality, out of all the realities in the multiverse. Let’s take this opportunity to work on ourselves and make sure that’s true for our own lives as well? Make them proud? Idk. What are your thoughts on the whole thing, Stormblessed, now that I’ve written a novel? Lol.
Thank you for being a steady and calm (mostly when ppl aren’t trying your patience at least 😂) voice of reason and being an OT7 true fan. You’re the best of us, for sure.
Ahh hi, thank you for the kind words! They are so appreciated! And I do try to be calm for the most part lol! If you see my post about car sharing later today and I'm possibly slightly cranky, well I tried my best. But I'm low on sleep. Lmfao my kids don't sleep on vacation apparently 😂 I shared my thoughts over the news of their break and focus on solo work yesterday as well. And I feel even more firm in my belief that this is good for them and I'm excited to see where they go from here after Joons letter and JKs vlive. Spoiler alert, I basically fully agree with you.
Thank you so much for sharing. I'm glad you feel comfortable doing so here 😊
I've also had a few people DM to ask if I'm going to keep going with the blog, so in case anyone else is wondering. The answer is yes. I am not going anywhere. I'll be here supporting all 7 members solo albums and projects. As well as continuing my post series here. Including my Jikook timelines, my Duo Dynamics posts, my DVD commentaries, my run bts posts, etc etc. Lol I've got a lot of "in progress" stuff here. So no worries, I'm here to stay for a while.
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Yoonjin just wasn’t enough huh 😐. Making me go through all of that with 2/3 of my bias line WASNT GOOD ENOUGH?? 😩 you had to tease Jimin and Hoseok at the ends!!???? Jimin and Hoseok specifically!!?? Istg this feels like a personal attack 😭. Since ptd LV (it was a slow burn with both before it boiled over there) that duo has not left me alone. They are my ultimate bias wrecks and I am offended even at the hint of a sequel with them. Can’t even process yoonjin with chains and a f*cking tie (and they’re roommates!??!?!!?!! And lowkey soft but you didn’t hear that from me 😭) before you hit me with ideas of jihope!!???
Since it’s been 24 hours I’ll post all the spoiler asks now💀💀💀 but LMFAOOO HOW WAS IT HOW DO WE FEEL.. 2/3 of our line. And it was more than enough😛 *and they were roommates* *and they were a little soft yk*
Oh no…. Then I am. So so sorry about the jihope once you see which visuals I have lmfao. I think you’re gonna yell at me for days🥴
#FOR DAYS#anyway#thank you for reading🥺🥺#i expected more yelling tbh so this is calm😂#mikayla!#asks:hitrecord#hit;record#lovely people#*ryenfictalk#mailbox💌
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In the Middle of the Night: Ch 22 (M)
Chapter 22: "Busco lo que escondes"
Chapters: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20 - 21 - 22 - 23 - 24 - 25 - 26 - 27 - 28 - 29 - 30
MASTERLIST
Summary: As Bangtan prepares for a new chapter in their lives, they head to their private property in the forest for a songwriting workshop. As a songwriter and producer they have worked with for years, I’m asked to tag along. I was ready for the heavy workload and small amount of sleep during the workshop week. However, I wasn’t ready for the storm that came that changed my friendship with Namjoon forever.
Pairing: Idol!RM/Namjoon x OFC
Genre: Friends to Lovers, Fluff and Smut
Rating: M (language, explicit sexual scene)
Status: COMPLETE
Trigger warnings: trauma, flashbacks of domestic violence (there will be ***** symbols at the end and beginning of SMALL descriptive scene), miscommunication/relationship troubles
Warnings/Spoilers: sex toys (anal), spanking
*******
-SoFi, PTD Day 1-
It was the first day of the concert. I was currently in a private, VIP room that had a great view of the guys. I had acquired the room for all four days and invited the guys’ girlfriends and Ky. I had offered to get other private rooms for the guys’ families, but they all preferred to be a part of the crowd. They liked to witness the fans first-hand.
Currently, Unnie and Ky were having a conversation about the upcoming concert in Seoul. The show hadn’t started, so I had been looking around at the crowd. However, there were a few keywords Unnie and Ky had said that were pulling me to their discussion.
“Have you seriously never been to Korea?” Unnie asked Ky.
Ky nodded. “All my grandparents died when I was very young and all my aunts and uncles live here in the States, so there was never a reason to go. But this will be the first time I visit.”
This threw me off. I didn’t know about Ky going to Korea. “Wait, you’re going?”
“Yeah, Yoongi invited me to the Seoul concert,” Ky answered.
I looked appalled. He and Yoongi had become close over the years and were KakaoTalk buddies. Ky was going to be taking Yoongi to a Clippers game in the upcoming weeks. However, I’m the one who Ky had known the longest and in the two years I lived in Korea, he never came to visit. “So, if Yoongi asks, then you go?”
He gave me an innocent smile. “He gave me free tickets.”
I sent him a glare. “Freeloader,” I teased but kind of meant it.
Ky laughed and didn’t deny it.
Finally, the show started. The entire audience went wild as the lighting changed and the opening preview on the screens started.
As the show went on, there was an overwhelming sense of glee. Namjoon never looked more attractive than when he sweat bullets and tonight was no exception. It had been years since their last live audience and it was emotional for them. They looked exhausted and spent, but that didn’t stop them from giving it their all. I clapped and cheered the entire show, beating my vocals raw. When they gave their final bow to the crowd, I was in desperate need of either a cough drop or tea. I took easy and quick notice of Namjoon’s face. He was feeling a mixture of different emotions. He gave his blood, sweat, and tears to every individual in the audience. He had been couped up and kept away from what he loved and had finally been given his freedom.
Through the monitors, anyone could see how touched he was and how close to tears he was on several occasions. My heart swelled at seeing him. He was grateful, he was appreciative, and most importantly, he was happy.
Tears caught up to me eventually as the guys exited for the final time.
Ky and the girlfriends began to exit and I followed. However, before we left the stadium, I remembered something and rushed to the restroom.
****
I didn’t get to see the guys immediately after the show. They were put into private vehicles immediately after their bow and rushed to their hotel so as to avoid fans finding their location.
The girlfriends and I arrived at their hotel no more than half an hour after. Namjoon had sent me a message instantly after the show, asking my whereabouts. He seemed to have forgotten our small fight and was in a good mood by his very intimate and explicit language.
MONI: You remembered to forget your night clothes, right? 😉
God, even the wink emoji made me weak; I instantly thought of his wink.
ME: Yes. I also got a surprise for you….
MONI: What is it?
ME: …you’ll have to wait and see….
MONI: What is it????!
I decided to torture him, so I put away my phone. Once at the hotel, we were privately escorted to their floor by hotel staff. Once on their floor, we were greeted by some of the guys.
We hung out for a bit in Jungkook’s room, dancing and drinking a bit before Namjoon and I were able to sneak into his room, making sure their staff wasn’t looking. We did, however, catch Yoongi's eye.
“Lock the door this time,” he said with a teasing grin, surely remembering the time Namjoon’s parents almost caught us last month.
I sent him a glare. “It locks automatically behind us.”
Yoongi laughed. “Knowing your luck….”
We dodged prying eyes and rushed into Namjoon’s room, which was right across from Jungkook’s. Namjoon put a Do Not Disturb sign on his door and turned on his Bluetooth speaker, selecting a playlist for us. The walls were pretty solid, but he was ensuring we would have full privacy.
I gave him a coy smile. “Why have the music so loud?”
He smirked. “It's not because of what you think. I always have it this loud.”
“Uh-huh…sure….” I turned away from him and took off my shoes, tossing them to a corner and setting down my overnight bag.
Long, warm arms wrapped around my waist from behind me, pulling me flush into hot and sticky skin. “So, where’s this surprise?” his low timbre voice was enough to weaken my knees.
I shivered as his lips traveled along my neck. “Find it,” I breathed out, taking hold of his long hands and bringing them to my shirt.
He took the hint and began to undress me.
I was down to my lingerie when he took several steps back and made me do a full spin so he could take a proper and long look at me. I had on a lacy and black matching set and judging by the way his eyes were ravaging my body, I had chosen right.
“I love surprises,” he mumbled, a little bit of saliva coming out of the corner of his mouth.
I let out a chuckle. “This is not the surprise, baby.”
His eyes shot up, meeting mine. His features turned soft at hearing the endearment.
I fought back a smile, my heart fluttering at knowing the word had such an effect on him as it did on me when he called me ‘babe’. I kept the focus on the task at hand, however. Taking a couple of steps closer to him, I managed to fill in the gap that separated us. I took hold of his hand and placed it on my lower back, on top of my panties. “It’s somewhere under these,” I said in a husky voice.
The furrowed brow told me he wasn’t understanding. I decided to get a little bolder. Taking control of his hand, I pushed it underneath the material so his hands could touch my flesh. His long, slender fingers brushed between my lower ass cheeks, close to my pucker hole. It didn’t take long after a shift in his fingers for him to find it. His eyes grew wide in shock and surprise.
I let go of his hand, allowing his fingers to linger there; allowing him to trace his surprise.
He hadn’t taken a shower yet. He had merely wiped down his sweat, so he was sticky. And it was a complete turn-on. I remembered the amount of sweat that dripped out of him during the concert. Recalled the see-through t-shirt clinging to his chiseled chest, how he had brought down his jacket halfway down his arms as if he was going to take it off. But he had been a complete tease. That damn jacket remained on while he was out on stage.
Remembering this, I took hold of his shirt and tugged at it, needing him just as exposed as I was. He bent down, allowing me to undress him. I silently cheered in triumph; his wide chest and back were fully exposed to me now. And I wanted more. I reached for his belt and with hurried fingers, I took off his pants.
Namjoon’s thick lips took hold of my top lip, his tongue slipping inside my mouth to get a better taste of me. He was as hungry for me as I was for him.
I gripped his shoulders and I climbed him. His powerful arms wrapped around my waist and buttocks. He lifted me easily off the ground, never breaking contact with my lips.
As he reached around to my bra, I remembered something. I reached into my cup and took out another small surprise.
He noticed my hand reach inside my bra and stopped after unclasping it. His eyes at first stayed on my globes, his mouth drooling. However, he almost choked when he noticed what I had taken from my bra. His heavy-lidded eyes widened as he recognized what I was holding. A small bottle of lube.
Pulling his eyes away from my hand, his sight traveled up to meet me, a question looming there.
I gave him a confident nod, reaching around and pulling the plug out of me. A small moan made its way out of my lips. Namjoon’s fingers, which were on my ass cheeks, gripped me at hearing the sound.
Keeping eye contact with the demi-god before me, I brought the plug to my lips and gave it a long lick before my mouth wrapped around it like a lollipop. Namjoon’s thick and long cock strained against his boxers. I had to be careful not to push too much. He looked ready to cum just by my little demonstration. Taking hold of the bottle and opening it, I applied a good amount of lube to it before reaching back and reapplying it inside.
A deep moan left me as I pushed it back in. I had done anal with a couple of guys, but I never liked it, even though I enjoyed it when I used and experimented with a plug by myself. I wasn’t planning on letting Namjoon take me up the ass tonight, but maybe we could experiment a little. Push some boundaries. We had already discussed what we would like to try out in the bedroom and this was one of them. Tonight seemed like the perfect, special occasion.
His lips were on mine again, claiming me. He led us somewhere, but my brain was too foggy to think where we were headed. His kisses made it hard to concentrate.
Suddenly, I felt a stinging coldness against my bare back. He placed me down on the ground, giving me a final kiss before he pulled away.
I clung to his forearms, feeling dizzy. I looked up into his dark eyes, the wildness in them making me shiver.
He’d never looked this intense before. I imagine the concert had pent up a lot of energy. I knew the feeling. I had no experience with drugs—my mother’s dependency when I was younger served as a lesson to never try any of them—but the high people described from them, I related to the feeling I got right after walking off a stage. I always needed to do something big to bring my body back down after a show. And sometimes sex was the right kind of counterbalance for it.
Namjoon was on that same high and needed to let out his energy on something—or someone, somebody. And judging by the look in his eyes, he was thinking the same thing.
Shit, I wouldn’t be surprised if my pussy was creating a puddle right at our feet. I was so turned on by his feral look.
I took a step back and recognized we were by the balcony. My naked back was pressed against the glass door. I knew why he brought us here. We were high in the hotel—high in the LA skyline. The view of the city lights was breathtaking. Thousands of people living below us. Thousands of people to have sex in front of without them knowing.
I kept my eyes on him, my hand reaching down between us, and finding nothing was covering him. He had taken off his boxers. Even better. I took hold of his cock, giving it long, slow strokes. He let out a moan as he closed the gap between us. I was now pinned against his hot, naked flesh and the cold, glass door. Polar temperatures, but exactly what I needed.
“Use me,” I nearly begged. My body shook, wanting to give in to his.
His wild eyes turned soft at this. He held my stare for a moment, and we had a silent conversation. I knew what his body wanted. I was aware of what was to come. And I trusted him with my body—he had never given me a reason not to.
For a moment, he held my cheek affectionately in his palm, his primal features having dissolved to turn into the absolute fluffball I adored. “Tell me when you want me to stop. Or tap me twice, ok?” There was a slight worry in his tone, but his confidence was still taking charge. Namjoon never did something he wasn’t fully sure of.
We had discussed the possibility of this. Namjoon didn’t believe in a safe word. A simple ‘no’ or ‘stop’ was all he needed. And we had agreed that if I was in a position where I couldn’t speak, then tapping him would be the alternative.
My eyes stayed on his and I nodded. “I trust you.”
His lips were on mine; he was soft at first. Endearing. Affectionate. But quickly, the fire went ablaze. His mouth turned rougher; his tongue turned desperate.
I could hardly catch my breath; my lungs begged for air. I pulled my mouth a little away and his lips didn’t chase. Instead, they traveled downward, claiming my jaw. His full lips took pecks throughout my body. He spent some extra time and attention on my breasts, sucking on them and making them red and wet before going down my stomach.
He gave my pussy a few licks before taking hold of my hips and turning them around. My ass was now right in front of his face as my chest pressed against the cold glass. I let out a long whine when the tip of his tongue touched the rim of the plug.
A sudden slap on my ass echoed throughout the room and I felt a sudden gush of slick come out of my cunt. It didn’t hurt too bad, but it certainly was no love tap and I was surprised by how good it felt. A loud moan let out from deep within me.
“Quiet,” he said roughly. “We’re gonna be found out.”
A slap to my other cheek. This time it was a little rougher, but still had the same effect on me. However, I bit down the moan this time.
Namjoon’s hands began to knead at my ass, enjoying the feel of my thickness. “My girl likes to be ordered, huh?”
Slap.
I pressed my thighs together. I was sure he was going to make me cum by the slaps and his voice alone. I bit down hard on my bottom lip, following his orders.
“Answer me,” he nearly barked out.
Pressing my legs tighter together, I sucked in a deep breath to better control myself. “Yes,” I squeaked out.
Slap!
“Shit!” My fingers dug into the icy glass as I held back. If this son of a bitch slapped me again, I was positive I was going to cum.
He must have realized this himself because he began to soothe my skin and press kisses around it. His fingers grazed at the plug. “You’re doing so good.” A light kiss on my lower back as I felt his fingers take hold of the plug. “You ready to take this out so we can play a little?”
Now, I was positive his voice was going to make me cum. “Yeah,” I said in desperation.
The plug slowly pulled out of me. A sense of relief and loss swept through my body at it leaving me.
“You want it back in, baby?” Namjoon asked, having sensed my body.
“Mmm-hmmm,” I let out a whimper.
Ever so slowly, Namjoon pressed it back in. Then began to pull out.
For the next few minutes, he played with my pucker, taking me to the brink of ecstasy until he pulled fully back and kept me from reaching my orgasm. It was the sweetest type of torture.
I had never taken a liking to anal when done by a partner, but Namjoon treated my body so well. This exploration felt just as good as any of the other positions we had tried.
Finally, after long moments of him having fun torturing me, he put the plug back in and got back on his feet. “Think you can take me with that inside you, baby?”
I nodded my head enthusiastically. “Please.”
His lips took hold of my bottom one, nibbling it a little before pulling away. “I love how my girl is so quick to try anything.”
My fingers dug into his shoulders, pulling him to me. “Only with you,” I confessed. “I trust you.”
A look flashed across his face as he stared down at me. It felt familiar. I had seen this look in a set of eyes before but I couldn’t pinpoint to who or when. His facial features were so soft and serene—so goddamn beautiful. The beauty in turn made me feel warm all over.
My heart hammered against my chest, something primal coming from the pit of my chest.
He opened his mouth, ready to say something.
Acting purely on instinct, I took hold of his face and pulled him down to meet my lips.
For the next, long moments, we kissed intensely. And then I felt myself get scooped up off the floor. My back became cold again, but the thick and long cock that slowly entered me kept me warm.
There had been so much foreplay that my body was begging to come apart. Not to mention the plug inside my backdoor pecker was stimulating me in all the right ways. I was able to come fully apart right then, but my soul didn’t want to give in just yet. He still needed to get there and I wanted to fall apart in the heavens with him.
He let out a curse as he came in and out of me; I was positive the plug was hitting his cock along my inner walls.
At first, he went long and slow, but very quickly, his rough side took over.
Namjoon caught on that I was holding back. Judging by the vein against his throat making an appearance, I knew he was close. And he always made sure I came before him.
He moved my hips to a different angle. I let out a gasp as his finger ran circles on my clit.
“Oh, my—Namu!” My hand snapped to his wrist, wanting him to slow down his strokes.
He stopped, waiting to see if I would say anything or move his hand away. While my brain wanted to stop him, my body craved for him to take me wherever he wanted to.
After a few seconds of me not moving his hand away, Namjoon continued at his previous pace. He kept hitting a sensitive spot over and over with fast agility. His head dipped down to me. I could feel his breath along my neck. “Fucking cum for me,” he demanded in my ear through clenched teeth.
It was just what I needed—what my body couldn’t resist. His commanding voice had a way of making me do anything and everything for him. My knees quivered, my hand kept his fingers in place, my cunt tightened around his long cock, and I came fully undone.
Namjoon let out a moan, joining me in the stars.
My vision was full of darkness, my head empty of thoughts. All that was present was how incredible my body felt. How light I was. And how perfect the heavy body holding me up felt. My soul and flesh wanted to wrap themselves around Namjoon’s and live there. I never wanted to detach.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was in the middle of the night and I had just woken from a long nap with Namjoon. I had taken a peek outside and noticed security was stationed around the elevator. Their backs were to the doors. I could hear music and laughter coming from the room across. Jungkook seemed to still be partying. Possibly with Jimin, Hobi, and Yuna.
If I left Namjoon’s room now without security seeing me, they would think I was part of Jungkook’s party.
Closing the door quietly, I decided it was the perfect time to leave. I gathered my things quickly.
“What are you doing?” said a tired voice from the bed.
Setting down my things on the table, I made my way to him. I gave him a smile as I answered him, “There's not much security. I’m gonna take advantage and head out before more guards come.”
He frowned at me, looking appalled. “What? Are you serious?”
My features fell at his reaction. “Yeah…?”
He turned over to the bed frame where an alarm clock stood. “It’s 3AM.”
”Uh-huh…?” Suddenly, I was having trouble understanding why my brilliant idea wasn’t so brilliant.
His frown deepened and he started to look more incredulous at my responses. What was I saying that was getting him like this? “Is something wrong?”
“Is something wrong?” His tone was sharp and nearly venomous. “What do you think this is, Mayahuel?”
“Huh?” I don't think I could be more lost.
“You’re treating me like some one-night fucktoy. You’re ready to just fuck me and leave me. What kind of shit is that?”
His sudden outburst of cursing was unexpected and it made my hands feel a little clammy.
****""What the fuck is this?!"
"What?"
"This!"
"I don't know. Yours?"
CRASH!
"Those are NOT mine, you fucking asshole. It belongs to your goddamn fucktoy!"
"Again? You're accusing me again?!"
"Get the fuck out!"
Crash!
"Why are you always so fucking crazy? Did you not take enough of your meds today?!"
Crash!
"Get out!"
"This is my house too, woman!"
"I pay the mortgage, asshole!"
"And I take care of the farm!"
CRASH!
"GET out!"*****
I wasn't sure why I was thinking back to fights between my parents. Namjoon had barely let out a few curse words and he sounded angry. It was nothing like my parents so what was triggering me?
I took a breath as I tried to calm myself. “I just want to leave so that way we don’t get caught.”
He let gave a big shrug. “So what if we do?”
Was he being serious? Did he want to get caught? “So what if we do?” It was my turn to repeat back his question.
Namjoon sat up. “So the staff finds out. So what? They won’t care. They won’t leak it out. As long as we stay on our floor, they’ll mind their business. You’re not the only girlfriend in the group. We’ve all been through this.”
“It’s different,” I insisted.
“How?” he challenged.
I thought for a moment, trying to remember the reason why it was important we keep our relationship a secret. I think I was still trying to wake up myself because my brain couldn’t gather up the answer.
“See?” he insisted. “You can’t even think of a reason.”
My noodle brain remembered a point. “We haven’t been together for that long. It’s been a couple of months. It’s too soon.”
His anger was not coming down. “It’s been almost 100 days. Aren’t we getting more serious by now?”
Shit, it was more than three months. When did that happen? I tried to scramble a response. “It’s still early on, Namjoon. We said we were going to take things slow.”
Heated anger flashed in his eyes. “That was weeks ago. You’re trying to stay in the same phase, but I’m wanting to take the next step. And it’s not even that big of a step. It’s simply the staff knowing we’re seeing each other. They. Do. Not. Care.”
I took a breath, not knowing how to answer. I felt a battle within me: one part wanted to fully give in to Namjoon, seeing how passionate he was about this which meant it mattered to him. And another part of me, there was fear. I could identify the emotion because I had felt it so many times, but I couldn’t pinpoint the root and reason for it.
Suddenly, I felt my heart rate pick up, and began to feel nauseous. The room around me spun as Namjoon's words kept repeating in my head. He was angry. He never sounded that way.... Flashes of my past swept through my vision. Old memories of not only my parents but my own toxic relationships. Memories of my ex trashing my place after accusing me of cheating. He had been a gentleman the first few months. Until around our 4-month anniversary when he began to yell and curse. Those yells and cursing quickly turned to breaking things...
What if Namjoon's yells grew as well?
God, I couldn't get any air in.
Namjoon’s gentle hands were immediately on me. “Breathe, baby.” His voice was low and steady.
One of his palms was on my chest, applying pressure. He modeled my breathing technique and I followed.
After a couple of minutes, I managed to settle down from my anxiety. “Sorry,” I said automatically.
Namjoon placed a finger on my chin, pushing it up so I could look at him. “No apologizing for that. I shouldn’t have come at you like that.” Taking a breath himself, he took a moment.
I kept myself quiet, seeing he was struggling with coming up with the words he wanted to form. I took that time to ensure I was fully settled and stayed calm.
Finally, he explained himself. “I got angry when you wanted to leave because it felt like I was some cheap booty call for you.” His eyes stayed on me, so I could see how bothered and sad he was. “Things got very heavy for us—heavier than any other time. You leaving me in the middle of the night after doing something that intimate and intense…. It feels cheap.”
My heart sank at hearing this. Immediate guilt and shame took over. He had not only mentioned something similar about this to me at the start of our relationship, but I knew Namjoon. He wasn’t a puritan by any means but he did have his morals when it came to sex. He tried the one-night stand thing and it wasn’t for him. He didn’t have to be in love with someone in order to sleep with her, but he definitely had to care about her to some extent. And the more intense the sexual act, the deeper he needed to feel about that individual.
I differed from him in my views on sex, but I respected his opinion…. Or at least, I used to respect his opinion. I had fucked up, yet again. I had hurt him and I felt disgusted with myself for doing so.
Taking his hands into mine, I decided to start my groveling. “I’m a bitch for not having considered that. I’m sorry. You are definitely not someone I think of as just a piece of meat. You’re a lot more than that, of course. I’m sorry for…hurting you.” The moment the word came out of my mouth, I felt my throat tighten as I was disgusted with myself.
There was still plenty of hurt in his eyes, but they had softened significantly. He reached over and brushed my cheek. It was at that moment, I realized I had been crying.
I wiped the other side of my face and felt it was very wet. I hadn’t realized how hurting him was physically affecting me. The tears just didn’t stop coming down.
Namjoon’s gentle hands helped me wipe them away. “It was something I felt in the moment. I don’t really feel that way. I know I’m more. But the question I have for you is…what exactly am I to you?”
I frowned, not understanding his question.
He further explained himself. “I know we’re exclusive. I know we’re a couple. But what else? What’s our progress? Because I’ll be honest with you, I want to move forward.”
I thought about it for a long moment, thinking of his question and what my answer was. The truth was that I couldn’t think of an answer. “I don’t know,” I said honestly.
There was a slight look of irritation that flashed across his face.
I spoke quickly, trying to keep him from misunderstanding me. “I haven’t thought about it because I’ve been happy where we’re at. Things are going well with us and I just don’t want to mess it up. Why ruin something that’s going so well?”
He took another deep breath. He was doing his best to remain calm. “I don’t want to remain stagnant. I’m not satisfied keeping you a secret from everyone. I’m with you in keeping it from the public for obvious reasons, but not our circle. I have to give up so much already and have to put on a façade in front of others. There are a few things I can have that will make me feel normal and sane. I want to feel like I’m not having to hide you in the few places at work where I feel safe to be myself.”
His words lingered in the air as I processed them. I completely understood him and found it fair for him to feel this way. Namjoon did give up so much, among them was his privacy. But his team did their best to try to make sure things were as normal for all of them as possible while at work. All he was asking for was to not pretend in front of them. Namjoon wasn’t into PDA really, so it’s not as if he would do more than hold my hand in parts of the building. Usually, it was Jimin and Jungkook who were handsy with whoever they were dating. Jin, Hoseok, and Taehyung were more subtle. But I had never seen Namjoon do more than hold a girlfriend’s hand in front of everyone.
It really didn’t seem like that big of a deal.
Namjoon was looking down at something on the bed, distracting himself as he allowed me to think. Not pressuring me to hurry.
“Ok,” I said as confidently as I could.
Namjoon’s head snapped up, his eyes searching mine. “Ok?”
“Ok, we can let the team know. And Sihyuk.” I knew the team knowing wasn’t going to be enough for Namjoon. He was going to want Sihyuk to know as well. And I think I was ok with that. I wasn’t thrilled, but it wasn’t the end of the world either.
The corners of his mouth perked up a bit. “Really?”
Seeing him hopeful and happy brushed away my worry. I felt his dimples becoming infectious and I found myself smiling back. “Yes.”
“You’re not just saying that?” He tried to control his excitement.
I shook my head. “I want to be with you,” I said with full conviction. "And if it's important to you for your team to know, then I'm ok with them knowing."
He leaned fully over and took my lips into his. "I don't want you to agree just to agree," he said genuinely.
"And I don't want to be without you," I said without thinking.
His hand caressed my face, his forehead leaning down onto mine. "I don't want to be without you either."
For a long time, we hugged each other. I clutched to him, fleeting moments of fear brushing through me. The thought of him breaking things between us because he was unsatisfied with our progression sent anxiety to my core.
It took a while for me to calm down. Namjoon slept soundly next to me, his arm wrapped warmly around me. I breathed in his scent and swam in his warmth. The anxiety I was feeling forgotten.
-------------
MASTERLIST
Chapters: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20 - 21 - 22 - 23 - 24 - 25 - 26 - 27 - 28 - 29 - 30
#rm fanfic#rm x maya#bts rm#bts smut#bts fanfic#idol!namjoon#idol!rm x idol!oc#idol!rm#inthemiddleofthenight#argument#miscommunication#childhood trauma#secret relationship#relationship troubles#Spotify
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Jikook Master List
Master Lists
Jikook's Military Service Milestones
Other
He has those eyes
Dynamic Duo
Sweet Reminders
In the end
So pretty!
Jimin always thinking on his feet!
Jikook cold weather training
What lies ahead
Beautiful Luddite
JK Weverse Post
Jikook Enlistment in Retrospect
When were Jikook cooking?
Merry Christmas!
Bring the Boys Back Home
Hobi's IG Story (12/12/2023)
Stay Safe our Sun and Moon
Jikook Enlistment (12/12/2023)
Nope, nope, nope (11/12/2023)
Better Together
JK loves teasing Jimin
Namjoon Spoiler King
Mistletoe
Jinminkook Enlistment Rumours
PTD Jikook
We click!
Jikook Angst
Love has found a way
Jikook on their way to Tokyo
Love should breed love
Jikook leaving their mark on BB End of Year Charts
Jikook's Hypothetical Mukbang
Six years since the Jikook visit to Tokyo
I know what I like and I like what I know
CP in Seoul
Happy Jikook Chuseok
Freaking Out
Whaaaaattttttttt!
"Oh......Jimin..."
Jikook Record Breakers
The Price they Pay
Jikook Supremacy
At this point it has to be intentional right?
The Future of Jikook
Jikook head to the Big Apple
Jikook in the studio
Seven Faces
Map of the Soul ON: E Jikook Mirrors
Jungkook supporting Jimin's songs
Excuse me
Jeon Park Life Drawing Class
It's ramen breakfast at JK's house
JK Live
Jikook Matching Spotify Icons
2022, a Year in Jikook Content
JK dropping honorifics
Jikook Christmas release 2014
Jikook 2022 Quiz
Black Swan Two Year Anniversary
Five years since this heartfelt declaration
Five years since Jimin's Tokyo Vlog
Jikook video for rainy Saturday night
Five-year anniversary tweets
Jikook on Weverse
A bit of fun for a Sunday afternoon 11/09/2022
25 images for 2500 days 11/09/2022
Own It! 05/09/2022
Jikook D Festa Videos 27/06/2022
Jikook's Message for ARMY 21/06/2022
British Vogue, 19/06/2022
24 hour Jikook Fest 01/06/2022
Is that Jikook leaving together...AGAIN?
Jikook Moment 22/03/2022
Own It Choreography
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I've just caught up on the last three chapters of MFFMHH and have so many things to say!
Firstly, their poetry brain sex in Part III was so cute. Throughout all of these chapters there are so many small moments where the two of them just are able to see and understand each other in ways others can't, and it's so sweet.
Secondly, I totally went into this thinking this was going to be one of those stories where while things are building between OC and Namjoon, she's totally oblivious/in denial about it because she's still so caught up on Taehyung until some sort of "are you an idiot, woman?!" moment. But I'm so pleasantly surprised this is not the case and from the get go she is open to admitting and exploring her feelings for him. And that she went for it! This is a much more interesting way of navigating the arc of this love triangle and I really appreciate that choice for OC. That's what I love about your stories the most, they always subvert my expectations.
But as a side note, these two seem to be worrying about what the Taehyung of it all means for the two of them, but what about the fact that they are roommates?! That's awkward, guys! They didn't really have to navigate it yet since he immediately went out of town after their make out session, but I absolutely cannot imagine having to cohabitate with someone you are openly crushing on/trying to date. I would be a nervous wreck.
Taehyung is still be annoying af, but the fact that OC herself has recognized at this point that their relationship is a bit unhealthy and is not a total victim to his antics has made me soften on him a bit. But I'm sure as he feels her start to distance herself, he is not going to react very maturely. I'm so curious to learn more about their backstory! At face value, they seem to not have a ton in common, but I'm sure there is a deep history there having spent their formative years together. And since it's something we all have experienced, I love this opportunity to explore how friendships and closeness change as two people grow and mature in their own ways. I like the choice that you've made though to not share the full backstory with us yet, because it puts us in Namjoon's perspective coming in to the situation and not quite understanding what the pull is between them. Hopefully we will learn more, maybe when OC decides to share it with Namjoon herself?
On the off chance you actually enjoy my constant spamming of your asks, I'm sorry I've been so MIA! I hope all is going well with school and work and life in general for you. Also, Suga/Agust D tour ahhhh! Are you going to go?! If you come to LA we will have to chat favorite spots.
🌴
PALM TREE ANON CAME HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i was hoping you were okay and just busy!!!
ahhhh thank you :') i had a lot of things i "didn't want" for this story and i can't say some of them yet bc spoilers, but one of them was i didn't want that "oblivious bc of my other feelings" storyline. i wanted namjoon and oc both in it from the beginning, so i'm glad that's something you're liking!
hasfhkasfjh that is a very fair thought. i'm gonna... not speak on the 'awkward roommates' thing yet but.... thoughts are being thunk.
ah the backstory :) lol another thing i would LOVE to talk about but can't yet. WHY IS IT SO HARD NOT TO SPOIL MY OWN STORY. all i can say is stay tuned!!!
"on the off chance you actually enjoy my spamming" AS IF I WASN'T *LITERALLY* WHINING TO OTHER PEOPLE THAT I WAS SCARED YOU WERE GONE FOREVER sakjfkashfkjhas PLS i missed you!!!!!! i hope you just had normal busy life shit and nothing, like, terrible going on. <3 all is the same here, trudging through grad school one day at a time.
ALSO AGUST D TOUR yes i am going to absolutely try my hardest to get tickets!!!!! i'm on the east coast though so i will be trying for the newark and ny shows! i flew to la for PTD and.... i can't afford to fly across the country for min yoongi a second time lmfaooooo
i'm so glad to hear from you, pls take care of yourself out there!! thank you for sharing your thoughts, i YELLED when i saw the notif!!!!
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I just finished re-reading The Perks. It is honestly such a phenomenal novel and my favorite ever, I feel like the book itself isn't talked about enough. I always see reviews on the movie, videos on the movie, thoughts about the movie, but nothing about the book. While I think the movie is very good (and my personal favorite) I think the book tops it. Maybe I'm biased, because I just prefer reading, but I think everyone should read the book. I obviously can't convince anyone but here's a slight snippet from the book, don't worry it has absolutely no spoilers.
Anyway, I just really want more people to read the book. Mainly because I want to have someone to actually discuss it with instead of ranting to friends who don't care.
Before you read it though, please be aware that the book talks about sexual assault, PTDS, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, suicide, and possibly more things I can't remember. Look up the trigger warnings before reading, please.
#the perks of being a wallflower#the perks#the book#the book not the movie#movie#book#book quotes#? kinda#please read#the booo#READ THE BOOK#i am very passionate about this
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lucky number 7! ty guys sm for 777 followers <3
#and on the same day as ptd#🤡🤡🤡#bye i didnt wanna reveal my follower count until 1k where i’d do this-#-voice muffled due to someone covering my mouth bc of spoilers-🤡🤡#thank you sm anyways!!!#love y’all <333#— ivy's moots!
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bear in mind that the remaining todoroki sibling is the second youngest before shouto, and idk about yall but dabi dont look under 19 to me :/
#either way fuyumi is the eldest and dabi to me has always looked mid-20s to me#and horikoshis actually p good at making teenagers look like teenagers facially#ptd text posts#bnha spoilers#yh i dont like the dabi todoroki theory and i never have ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#also fuyu-mi natsu-o so third sibs name will likely start w either haru or aki#naming themes \o/
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spoiler: bts will be at ptd on stage in seoul 😱
#yoongi#cypher#houseofddaeng#btsgif#networkbangtan#bangtanarmynet#dailybts#dailybangtan#trackofthesoul#natgifs#natposts#i mean i knew he wasn't gonna tell us anything but mans was so dramatIC#also mightve gotten a bloody nose while making these gfkjshg#千
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