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lordoftablecloths · 9 months

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vent post i guess i dont know i just wanted to write stuff down instead of just go ing to bed and crying over it you can just scroll past it

im fine im sane im noramal im so unbleiveably cringe ,, the only person i have irl- fuck, or even online for that matter- to show the dumbass things i write is my silly little dumbass younger brother who doesn;t understand what im trying to get at and i guess its not his fault, i seriously doubt he's spent unhealthy amounts of time making various short scenerios in his head about charcters he came up with and eventually trying to give them a story and write little things about them in google docs because where else am i supposed to put this and its just ,, he doesnt know wht im trying to do and i dont know how to explain it to him because the "history" i gess behind it is so fucking complicated by now that these characters arent even the same characters as they were when i originally created them, other than some physical attributes and their names and he just knows them as the random cringe shit i made up in middle school but so many years have passed by now that these stupid fuckers whose only purpose to serve is to make me stop remembering that i exist and ive gotten too attatched to them because who else was i supposed to get attatched to when i was going through an identity crisis at the time- and, quite frankly, still fucking am- and it was so much easier to pretend i dont exist and just project my flaws and insecurities and underlying subconcsious thoughts into these charactes that no one knows about except me and oh god im just created a long ass vent post on tumblr that no one's going to read and no one understands the story behind fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck whatever ill go ahead and post this unfinished thing because no one's going to get it either way ill probably delete it later if it doesnt get buried under reblogs

dont think too much about this i just got sad because my brother was giving me a bunch of criticism on an outline of a story i was working on- which is fair, i need to take criticism- but he only knows the characters in it as their semi-formed cringe versions so i chickened out half way and now i feel bad because i was really proud of this thing for the whopping span of like one day before i decided to show it to another human person instead of letting it rot away inside of me like i usually do and now i feel bad about my writing skills

im trying so hard to just take his words with a grain of salt because this kid does not have nearly as much experience with writing as i do, but i feel like im copying too many of my inspirations (DnD, generic fantasy story about defeating evil creature, silly tropes, etc,,) which sucks because that was just like the first two pages of the outline and theres nine fucking pages and like the second half of it was what i put the most effort into and i felt like the ideas were really origianl but i could make myself let him naturally get to that part of the outline because i was starting to feel really bad and wieerd and oh god he is looking at ideas i havent ever expressed to another human person even though i am very familaiar with because i came up with them and they havebeen in my head for at least a year or two by now and have been haunting me ever since so instead of skipping ahead to the parts that were really good in my opinion but would have made no sense without context i just told him to piss off i gues s

i dont know. i feel dumb. i feel stupid. ive put so much effort into this stuff and the concept that ive been wasting my time feels like too heavy of a weight to handle. god none of this porbobably nmakes any sense ,,,,,,,,, i guess this is why i feel miserable when the fanart and shitpost memes i post get a comically larger audience and attention than the art relating to my silly goofy ocs, because these stupid fucking characters are all thats keeping me going . call me cringe, but is it still cringe if the concept that maybe i too can be around people that love me and instead of having to like me in spite of my faults love me for them keeps me from fucking killing myself is it still cringe?

if a tree falls in a forest and no one's around, does its fall even make a sound? (shit piss fuck sorry i dont remember the original quote and all i can remember is tha t one line from that one musical i dont remember what it was)

if an autistic moron that cant even talk to a cashier without having a panic attack makes a universe full of fictional characters of his own cfreation then an alternate universe, then several alternate universes, then a spin off from that original universe and etc etc but its all just on google fucking docs and no where else except deleted excerpts from a dead wattpad account, did he ever even create anything at all?

its pointless. its all so fucking pointless. its a waste of time. why do i do this at all. its so fucking pointless. it makes no fucking sense. you cant just make a story with characters in it, then make a fucking fantasy au of that universe with the same characters but with different designs and wildly different personalities and then make a whole fucking complicated lore-filled story about the fantasy au version while the original universe's story is still left mostly unfinished like forget about a first draft of the text i havent even finished the first ddraft of the outline yet buckarooooooo

okay fuck you guys thats all i want to tell you im going to go pretend to myself to try to go to sleep and then cry now

#vent #i guess #sorry for saying fuck you guys yall are the only keeping me together and making me feel like i have any importance at all #long post

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lilliths-httyd-blog · 1 year

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Hi I have an odd question I’ve recently decided to get back into my old personal Viggo lives comic: “Beyond the Horizon” after seeing/reading other’s rtte art, theories, fics, and head canons on it (tbh your VLAU fic was definitely the kicker that made me want to get back into my comic) but I don’t want to seem like I’m copying or stealing ideas so I was wondering if you had any alternate names for Viggo’s Skrill (also some writing tips would be very helpful since I’m very rusty ;-;)

i mean

this is how i named viggo's skrill to begin with. just a random fucking chapter of a fic i started in early 2022 and abandoned until recently. i justified my choice of name because this bitch from black butler is also called beast and i think she's hot

in VLAU that story viggo referenced liking as a child about the boy with the magic eye was a reference to black butler i shit you not. i don't even like black butler anymore i haven't watched it in years and don't plan on watching it again any time soon.

i find using the Wings of Fire format of names really helps when naming dragons. lets look at the character names in WoF: Clay, Sunny, Starflight, Tsunami, Glory, Moonwatcher, Kinkajou, Deathbringer, Winter, Peril, Quibli and Turtle are some of the significant ones. go for something weather/sky/space themed for a skrill. just like that. combine weirder shit for the viking feel like hookfang or stormfly. but then you've also got like skullcrusher and cloudjumper so it's good. and then just words like barf, belch, toothless and grump so that works. steal the name Thunder from NR out of spite.

you can also search for old norse words that we're aware of and just find one that sounds like a name with a nice meaning if you want to be fancy and preppy.

another way i like to do it is steal species names from the httyd books like i'll just open up my copy of the incomplete book of dragons until i find something nice like... stickyworm? no... vorpent? no... toxic nightshade... NIGHTSHADE that would be a good name for a skrill you can use that if you want. doomfang seems like more of a dagur name than a viggo name but thats still a bangin skrill name.

and uhhh writing tips uhhhhh. i mean i don't got nothing tbh. be as self indulgent as you want. not everything has to live up to the standards of Scholars Mate and Choosing to Forget not everything has to be that good. my VLAU is genuinely just 17+(?) chapters of fluff and angst and vigcup being adorable and its just me projecting a bunch of my stupid little OOC headcanons onto my stupid little adhd blorbos. my other fics were either me being angsty, me listening a little too much to the httyd soundtrack, me just fucking daydreaming about random shit, or me going HAHAHAHAHAHA LETS MAKE VIGGO'S LIFE A LIVING HEL. i find inspiration from the most random shit. i took a bath once and when i hopped in my cold little toes burned like fire in the hot water and then i tried this coconut shampoo and now i have an entire WIP based on that one experience. there's no fancy thought or writing process behind it there's no "first drafts" (probably cuz i edit as i go lmao) there's no immaculate planning every little detail of the fic. it's just little magpie me going "oh shiny oh shiny oh shiny oh shiny" and then making a mosaic out of all the shitty pieces of glass i've found and somehow a couple people find the mosaic pretty so i am proud because i worked hard on it. and lemme tell you, writing self indulgent fanfiction where im not trying to please anyone except myself is so much fun like i've literally written about viggo being the twin's cousin and i literally made viggo a soft poetry boi and its just fun. i know some people aren't into that or aren't interested and thats fine they don t have to read it. write for yourself you don't even have to be good at it just do it who cares. thats the best advice i can give. just do whatever the fuck you fucking want

#feel free to use nightshade lol #answered asks #race to the edge #the skrill #viggo's skrill #viggo grimborn #viggo lives au

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pansyfemme · 1 year

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Oh also this isn't like. An ask but you could maybe share your favorites from being on T (if wanted!), but when I finally do start it I am literally so fucking excited for the "rat stache" so many trans guys get. I already *have* one kinda (it's more seeable when up close but it's there!) and like, my friend said too he thinks I'll really rock it when it grows in 8).

Also I so excited for tdick, unwell about tdick but like. That's a given. I wear the fact I'm a tdick lover on my sleeve <3

Oh absolutly!!

I will say i had mixed feelings on my "rat stache" when it first started lol. Well. more like, i liked it, my brother made constant fun of it until i started shaving constantly until he moved out. But around yr 3 on t, my beard and mustache came in so strong i kinda just wanted to see how far i could go with it lol!! I've been growing it out since august at this point, so its def the longest it's ever been, but considering just how hairy ive gotten over the past year, it probably could get a little longer. at this point im not sure if i like the beard or if it's just a get out of misgendering free card lol! But it's pretty reliable for that at least. (still get misgendered like once a day, but yknow. whatever at this point.)

I'm a proud tdick lover myself, so its probably my fave change? i don't need to go into detail bc i dont think ppl want to hear that TBH but i think i'm a little smaller than average and i still feel pretty affirmed with my growth! it's complicated bc im thinking of looking into metoidoplasty in the future so im not rlly all too concerned with my growth considering i'm gonna end up getting surgery anyways but i think ppl underestimate how much it does for bottom dysphoria. It changes the way you view your lower half a bunch!

As for my voice, i think its.. ok? i know you guys probably haven't rlly heard it before but it is what it is. Definitly flamingly queer and gravely in that typical t voice style. It's not suuuper low, not always enough to pass over the phone, but usally enough that people don't question it combined with my appearance. It's the kinda voice where those in the know spot that im trans just from hearing it, but those who aren't trained to the art of recognizing t voices probably just think im a gay dude, which i am.

Even though i enjoy dressing hyperfemininly, i've started to really appriciate my build when im just wearing tank tops and jeans. My dad told me i look so much like queer guys in the 90's dressed like that, which was a confidence boost LMAO. Fat redistribution was hard to visualize when i first heard about it, but it definitly happens. Most of the fat in my hips moved to my stomach and ass, and while it isnt a lot, it's def way more masc than it was before. I never was a particulaly curvy person, just large chested, but my build now is considerably more masculine, paired with top surgery.

My hands also got a bit bigger! tho it's not like. a huge difference and my hands r pretty chubby and not very masculine, it was something ppl around me noticed. not rlly sure how that happened but i was pretty young when i started so who knows!

I will say that my body and face are enough that i dont feel like i need any surgeries on them at this point in time. im not happy with my jawline, but i know a sharp one would look unatural considering my weight so, eh. I'm not against the concept of facial masculinization or body sculpting or whatever but the truth is i just. don't think those surgeries are made for my body type. I may be wrong, but a lot of the surgeries i see for masculinzing torsos need flat stomachs to work well, so im just eh on getting surgeries that im not sure would look natural on me. I have a few more surgeries planned but in all honesty im not certain on the path of my transition past those. I would like a hysterectomy as soon as possible, any maybe if i can, a minor bottom surgery procedure at the same time. I've thought of phallo possibly in the future, but likely not until im out of school at least. but even thats pretty up in the air. and who knows? i could change my mind and get facial masculization or go off t or do whatever, im just not really certain yet, and feel no need to rush into it. Something ive been thinking about a little lately is how i don't think i want to go stealth, but it's kinda nice when people don't know me immediatly as a trans dude, something im just starting to expereince. I never want to be closeted, but sometimes its nice to know im being viewed 100% as a guy, yknow? It's so hard to gauge when cis people actually see me as a man when they know im trans, it's just.. nice to not worry about that sometimes. I think as you get further on t, your ideas of how you want to be viewed change a lot. I never thought i'd be hairy, i thought that wasn't something i'd face, but im not mad that i am. I don't think it makes me any less of a femme. I've also, as i mentioned, become more comfortable with the concept of dressing femme in mens clothes. I didn't know that id still come off as gay and femme when i dressed in just a tshirt and jeans, but i do, it's kinda wild! this has become kinda rambly but i really have valued these past 4 years on t, it's been a whirlwind, truly.

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jules-hime · 1 year

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Where I´ve been

Hey beautiful people of Tumblr! Just wanted to check in and tell you a little bit about what i´ve been doing and if ill continue posting art! These past couple of months have been very difficult for me, struggling with mental health, feeling really stressed with my last steps of graduating college. Once i finished my last thesis work, a big cloud of sadness, and anxiety occupied my mind, and all of a sudden i had to stop doing everything. Couldn´t draw, couldn't create, or think about making art, neither enjoying entering social media and watching other artists that once inspired me. I felt real scared, anxious, feeling that i was never going to achieve anything, or that my future was not as promising as i once imagined. I guess what overwhelmed me was the question of "whats next?" once i finished doing a project that took me years, which is me graduating from art school. I don´t know if anyone ever felt that sense of emptiness after graduating, but i felt it HARD. Couldn´t get out of bed, couldn´t enter social media because everywhere i looked everybody else was making something, sharing their progress, their success, in art, or in life in general, and i was just laying in my bed trying to simply exist and not fear everything.

I guess this was just my body and mind forcing me to stop, to rest, to digest everything that happened in these years, that i never stopped one second to accept or even see how i felt about, like the pandemic, personal problems, my thesis project which was STRESSFUL AS F*CK. Anyways, sometimes we need to stop and rest, and i hope i didn´t have to get to that point where my own body forces me to do so, but i also think it was much needed. To acknowledge my feelings, my stress (i used to think there was no time to be anxious or worry because i had so much to get done, and i couldn´t stop to cry or let myself relax), my anxiety (i do have so many fears that, i imagine, were just waiting the exact moment i finished being busy to rush in all together), that my body did need some rest, a vacation from all the work, and that sometimes its more about the journey than the finish line.

I feel like this is the first time i open up on the internet about something so personal! And im really happy about it!

Of course now i am feeling much better, those days of not being able to get out of bed passed, and i can now sit on my computer to write this! Which i think is just an improvement and feel so proud of that. I learned these months (researching about and anxiety and how to deal with it) that maybe success might look like achieving all of our goals, but it can also look like finally being able to get out of bed and simply going for a walk, being able to take a break and just breathe. So i would like to remind everyone that its important to take breaks, rest, take care of ourselves, listening to our bodies and what they are trying to tell us. Your mental and physical health always come first, no matter what, you always come first, and your value is not defined of what you can achieve, you are important just for existing, and living your life in whatever way you think best!

Sooo about my art, of course i´ll keep sharing my art! I see there´s more art of mine to come next year, because im feeling like creating a lot! So stay tuned, thanks for every type of support you gave me this year, and hope you have a great New Year and always take care of yourselves! See you next year!

Jules :D

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samsspambox · 2 years

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´▽`hello sam! what advice can u give to those who want to start writing? (read ur latest fic & sorta cried, it kinda became an outlet 4 me since dis whole month was just so hard & stressful, so tysm ｡ﾟ(TヮT)ﾟ｡reading your goofy fics helped me cheer up despite the hardships im facing hehe, sorry for rambling, have a good day! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

heyo!!!! WAAAAAAA thank you for reading my stuff i hope next month gets better for you!!! sending lots of good vibes your way!!! and don't worry about rambling we're all certified ramblers here :D

tbh the most solid advice i can give (as a writing novice myself) would be to just write to your hearts desire! write whatever you want whenever you want and listen to your brain and heart. you'll get better with time eventually, write at your own pace!

see, the way i write is trying not to overthink it and write when i can/am inspired, then later on posting it once i feel myself start to nitpick stuff. if an idea doesn't come, it doesn't and i just have to move on (looking at you stripped wires. im coming for your ass. eventually) but im also just very excited for what i write. that untitled svart fic (which has a name now, im just not gonna share it hehe) is my baby rn. have i been writing it? no bc i can't make myself write, but the parts that i do write, if i do write them, are filled to the brim with all my excitement for the fic. also the way i write has changed! instead of just sitting down and writing it in one go i've just been working whenever i can!

but obviously this might not work for you, so just write the way you want! you wanna write at a schedule? do it! you wanna write once in a blue moon? do it! listen to your mind when you have burn out and try other things. surround yourself with people who genuinely like the thing you like so you can bounce ideas off each other!

(sub point: the tears of themis community as a whole is really kind! this, uh, this is my first ever active community actually. i've always lurked and rb stuff from others but tot felt genuinely kind from the get go. very proud to say that i made my first internet friends here and i wouldn't mind more! i feel like i'm still shy but i will send you memes and tiktoks)

like with anything, it's gonna start off rocky. it'll take you a while to find your footing but practice makes perfect! and also please please don't compare yourself to others it'll just discourage you. you never know who might write for a living or be younger than you. do look at others work for pointers on what you can improve on without plagiarizing stuff from them! also, don't just limit yourself to writing! storytelling can look like lots of things. comics, visual novels, fics, they're all just a way to express a story. experiment with what you like!

and yeah! that's all i can give you! writing is a hobby of mine that i genuinely picked up out of stress (i tend to do that if im incredibly stressed or through finals season) and i just kept going bc i liked it so much! the first step is wanting to write! the next is all up to you (:

#sam answers #i'm 90% sure that this is cute!nonnie so #cute!nonnie #cute!anon asks #i hope your month gets better!!!#life sucks ass i get you #i'm also just starting out but i feel like i've improved a bunch even if i keep making dialogue half the fic LMAO #i feel like i'd be better suited for visual novels but i will!! keep!!! writing!!! it is my chosen medium!!!#honestly i love seeing my improvement like penne for your thoughts vs one of my earlier fics? night and day.#penne for your thoughts vs the most recent one? night and day too

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aphrorite · 2 years

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-ˏˋ sweetheart diaries ˊˎ- #4 !! 🌷🌸🎀

૮₍ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ₎ა ♡༘

⋆ ✧₊ may 24th 2022 ☀️✨🌷 ⊹ɞ

hello diary ! its been sos long sinc ive wrote here :S thahts okay though, life gets busy soemtime and sometime i not able to write becos of it <3 today was great!

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hmmm where should i start disry ?!??! i havent seen u in so long ))): i lay on teddy comfy back as i weite this bc he make a fluffy cute pillow and he is so generous 💕💕💕 i luv teddy .

umm so the last time i weote was on may 14, si mayb i make list of notable thing ! here it is (:

felt sick one day so stay home n then m found out ir was plumbing day

my cat discover new window n he lobved it so much. was up on bhis tupy toe n was enjoyin fresh air .

had olumbing com over n get toilet fized >_>

may 15 made toast n agua for meself on a lil chop boar dn enjy brekafast

may 17 i groute d my mosiac media ezploration . i did an ugly magenta tbh and it iddnt turn out how i intended but then again ir was only media ezploration )): next time i go fir darker grout. here was finished mosiac before grouting

may 17 at work befor my shif i also saw thes realky chte tanks !!! i trie them on but they didnt rlly hav my size n the pink didnt look as nice as i thought it would but the white did n the blue ehhhh ,, here they r ! i also found out my fav coworker too has the same disorder as me and i felt not so alone knowing tht . it made me feel like someone understood my struggle an di am so grateful to have a coworker like her. i am not happy that she suffers with the same issues but i am glad thqt we can both fight our hardships together . <3

may 18 very sad day ): am work very hard on makeup but had not so good time at school dance so was vert sad. m felt very out ofnplace )): but in hindsight, m also call tht one guy n ask if hed like watch stranger things this friday ! so we hav that day for him n i <3

may 19 m thought of very cute leggings, leg warmers n new aesthetic more , so now am want to change my room up and go for my pink idea ! i always felt bad for wanting it to be all pink ebcause it doesnt necessarily align w my feng shui but i wa s like , “ let me stop confinin myself “ , so im plan 2 get cute pink posters (n design them,) more ffske folliage, hanging plants , lace curtains/ transparent , pink rug and wayyy more plushie !!!

may 19 i also went get my mediciatuon refile , they gav me 67 when they meant 74 but utl l b ok cos i up dosage upon next appointmen maot likely ! i also saw pretty lipblam 🥺🥺 may 19 i paint my mosiac frame black !

fri may 20 i wok up too late 2 get ready n missed bus so instead of adking relativ who im not fond of,,, I WALK 3 KM!!!! 3000 m in 40 minute to my school n cross highway ^_^ it acc big feat for me bc ive never cross highway bflre when walking n also NEVER have walk that much in ine moring. i was determine to get to school and i did !! did NOT MISS SCHOOL !!! 😎

fri i also went to awerie n se etheir flare n i tried them on and i relalt like d them !!!! i didnt buy them rhoguh becaus when i tried to it didnt work out bc theyw erent accetin phon paymen t / it didnt work ): so i put on hold.

fri was grwat doe cos i ALSO MADE MY LUNCH !!!! LOOK LOOK LOOK. IS SO PRETTYYYY I SO HAPPY BOUT IT ! i wish i had sandio lucnh box tho so i will get one soon. is was yummy bc usuall i wake up too late to make lunch ): so i had ice tea , 2 pb sandwich, cheeseit, breton veggie cracker, granola and croutons ! yumyum

friday i work bery hard in fitting room to make sure every cloth wa s detail so i proud myself ^-^ i sad tho bc on fri i found out my one friend isnt who she rlly was n she like dark humor for attention which made me feel really invalidated )): so i never hangout w her anymor and gonna distanc

saturdy i did pintwrest, made new board n cleaned up pinterest but still hav to work on it, clean some cameraroll, shop n hav fun ! i thin k i also watch show another close friend n i kinda hav lil crush on him ))): we wathc 5 episode n fall asleep in calls o i b his alarm clock . funny thin is tho before we hungour he called me while i was showering n it was funny cos i was wondering ‘why my music so quiet?’ peek out curtain and see a pleasant surprise ! i told him call me back doe cos ofc i busy cleaning meself !!! hmph , we laughed abt it tho cos😁 i was happy he called me tok bc he was on my mind n i always wish hed call instead of me doing it first . n then later he put me to bed cos i got drowsy cos mediciattioon aargeghh but we spend whole day together <3 n i folded my cloth too! i also look at more room inspo n made list for wht i want to buy !

sunday i did LOADDDDSS of math hoemwork n i so proud myself for it , i finish and got caugh t up! sister b so kind n she help me clean room , so i fibish xleaning and also DID MY LAUBDRRRRYYY I SO PROUD I HAVENT DOBE THT IN FROWVER

monday i fibisb painting , did more pinterest work on spotify n look at shein for little, n during weekend i learned how to weite upside down ! coolio . i slso took walk, wore cute outfit black stocking w plaid skirt black sweater and white collar and did my makeup 😋 i soend time wi my cat too !! i also did sims 4 reblogging on other acc hehe

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n now we in present ! today i wore the same fit i wore the other day bx ir wasntn dirty, woke up in time but had trogbl gettin out of bed bc it was rlly cold. blanket so warm so i lau at floor of staircase burrowed in blanket cos ellie so warm aargrggh then got ready.

i didnt hav kuch in lunch but moma camw in cluctch with making more pasta so i toon tht for work n also had breton cracker n 2 made good granola bar.

i brin canvas n wallet cos today i want handed in. y canvas n buy the flare legging ! school was good n i did really well in math w anawritjng question and understanding material :3 i so happy abt that bc usually i feel like i am strugglin behind , but my misophonia kept kicking in ),:

theguy still havent stopped courhing and the orher person vocal tics (whxih i know they cant help) relaly made me angry . i know not to be angry and i am not acc angry at them rhouvh it is very irritating ): ofc i am bery stonefave so no one can tell i am angry , and plus i dont want to make anyone sad .

art class went bot so well ): ,, i was finishing my sides and the sand when I accidentally tip uellow paint all over my cabvas 😭😭 theguy who sat across fron me was kind and saved my canvas from fultl flipping over , dude had great reflexes but there was a big fat blob of yellow pajt on floor witb some splatters . it got over my canvas so i had scrapped off w cardboard n then scrapped the paint w the cardboard off the ground and back jnto fhe conrainer, and then i use dawn soap, brown paper towel and sponge to scrub dub dub, and then u couldnt even tell it was there . i am proud for cleaning ip it sow ell but i think mybe god was telling me tht i had to do one kr more finishing touches, sooo i went to work w canvas and home w it, and also saw dat my framw wasnt black emigubso i brough it home too to paint it more black.

i bough flare legging tho, got free agua at satrbuck bc i forgo watnottle, had starbuck popcorn (yumyum i luv popcorn !) and it wa great!!! 🍿💛

hehe, i felt so pretty wwaring the legging rht i wore it to work hehe and i got compliment on mt outfit too. i favetime sisrer during lunch too. and guess wha diary? i ddi amzing at work today :33 i also listen to my sleepy agedre playlsit rn while i write this !

i did 3 stock boxes in 30 min!!! thrts 10 mins for wach unpacking, and then i hung then up n tagged them all by myself ^w^ i was so proud tht i got it done (securi tagging in 57 min, total time took for 3 boxes is 1 hr 48)

my ocd was kicking in ahain with the number of aecurity tags i had and it was a little difficult but i trudge through it n tried to not breakdown over it n so i didnt !! i also met new coworker today, her name angelina 😇

i was so happy tht i did it i felt unsfoppable, n i got praises for my pretty painting from wmployees when i walk into shops n also praises from my coworker s n pll were impressed that i did stock so quicj so i very proud ^⏝^ i put clothes out on sales floor too but at end of shift i went back to get my canvas cos i forgo x_x

when home came my ankle pain rlly kcike din bc it was sore during my shift n still hurts as i weite this ))): hopefully i sleep it off n it go away . i didn do much homeworks until 7 ish but i still trusges through my sampling math homework and painted my frame black and fixed my painting yellow mistake n then got ready for bed 💤💤 i beush my cat today too n he got lots fur, i saw him climb up a carpet n it remind me of spiderman !! he gwtting realt confident n it make me happy

i felt little meh abt wanting to self care but i pushed myself to do so ! 😼 so i lotion my sof skin, gargle w mourhwash, brush teef brush hair n then got into bed w comfy comforter ! i also went on walk w sister n went barefoot, got feet dirty but i wash it before bed, n also walk in grass which is theuropedic !

anyway diary, i look at list, go use lou, and shop for a lil befor ebed. love u!! i check in once in a lil bit. baiiii!!!! 👋👋😴

p.s ⭐️🌻 i forog mention, AHHHH kendrick lamar is in town soon !!! when i am not agedre/agere, i would LUV to see his concert n i think i migh b able go so im gonna b stoked for that OMGOMOMG 🌼💛

╭┈─────── urs truly, ࿐ ˊˎ-

╰┈➤ sweetheart xx

#sfw agere #sfw agere blog #agere #aphrorite.diary #🌸

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one-abuse-survivor · 2 years

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my mom is literally impossible. everything i want to do, enjoy or experience she finds some way to demotivate me or go crazy enough to deter me from it for good. im still really struggling with how to deal with it. physical stuff is so much easier to deal with than mental/emotional. tonight, for example, she starts yelling at me for not having a job, having a horrible attendance at college, and just being in bed all day, which, as i lay them out like that, they’re reasonable things to be asking your seemingly bum of a child. she goes further into comparing me to my cousin. hes doing much higher level things in college, and not only does he have a full attendace there, he has a job too, so his schedule is almost always booked. mine is not. he is an entire 9 months younger than me, which ofc gives me full seniority over him and should put me much further in life than him. at least thats what mum has consistently held over my head since the ripe age of 8. i decide to play along and question back, why doesn’t he have 3 jobs? my friend, who is 5 months older (which is a lot obvs /j) has 3 part time jobs, whilst attending full college (at a high level), and still has time for extra ciricullars. she was confused and was like ?? why are you bring this up? i tried to tell her that, theres always gonna be someone better than you, and worse than you, so its very unfair to compare yourself to others in a way that makes you both feel guilty for doing things most cant, and for not doing things most can. she very quickly changed topic but continued to bash me over the head with my constant horrible attendence, that i should be at a better place in life if I had just taken my exams and got on with things. when she says things like that it hurts and throws me into a spiral. it feels like she has all the control over whether or not i fall into the pit of depression again or not. ofc she never chooses that i don’t. im not sure if i really should be asking you for advice on how to deal with this as you arent a liscened therapist, but i really need some. every time we have one of these arguments, i feel like im 15 again, back to being suicidal and wanting to sh and just wanting to not exist anymore. i truly hate it because thats not me anymore, ive tried so hard to pull myself out of each depressive episode alone and i hate that all my hard work can be undone with a sentence from her. i cant do to her what i did to my dad. practically pretend they dont exist, never speak to them and ice them out until now we only speak once a month, if that. it sounds awful, i know, but im very proud of myself for getting to that stage with him, its hard to go no contact when you live with them. (he was very abusive, as is my mum, but he quite literally ruined my life and i have to pick up the pieces whilst he gets to enjoy himself every day. i have to watch the man who wanted to beat me, hurt me, and who yelled at me until i became suicidal, have the time of his life having a redo with my cousin, spending all of his new money on any and all his interests, and becoming closer with my sister. its literal torture.) unfortunatley still have to deal with mum. to put it coldly and horribly, shes the one with access to the heat, clothes, food, bedding, electricity,etc, i need her until i can move out. i cant really break that bond just yet as i still need her so i dont die. (ik i can be homeless and be in foster care but im lucky enough to have the choice to say no to those things so im taking advantage of it) i am sorry if this in any way comes across cold, mean, or passive agressive. the argument mentioned above happened just 20 minutes ago and its still pretty raw, and im not the best at processing my emotions lol. thank you so much for your time, i hope your evening is going great (:

Hi! Don't worry about your tone, nonnie. You're allowed to express your emotions, and especially to be frustrated and upset after what happened with your mom. All I ask is for people to remain respectful to me and anyone else who might read their ask, which you definitely did :)

I'm sorry you're in this situation, it sounds really tough 😔 of course you'd rather stay with her than be homeless! I really hope you're not downplaying what she's putting you through or doubting your trauma and abuse because you're choosing to live with her. All you're doing is trying to keep yourself safe. There's nothing wrong with that.

And I also don't think it's awful that you managed to cut out your dad so successfully! It's very similar to what I did with my mother, and I honestly think you ought to be proud of yourself for taking so many steps to protect yourself in spite of how complicated it can be to cut out a parent like that.

Regarding your mum, while it's not unreasonable to want you not to be in bed all day, it IS unreasonable to verbally and emotionally abuse you because of it. She's putting you down, constantly comparing you with others, triggering you, and worsening your mental health. If she really wanted you to have a better life, she'd be offering her kindness and support—not contributing to all the reasons you're struggling right now.

I don't really have much advice, other than to tell you it's okay to set boundaries and to take any steps you can to protect yourself even if you can't cut her out yet. You're not awful for being affected by her words. You're not weak for getting triggered around her. You're not cold or mean for standing up for yourself. You don't owe her anything just because she gives you a roof and a bed, and it's okay for you to acknowledge that. Please, try to be as kind to yourself as possible until you can get out of there. You're doing your best right now. Your best doesn't have to look like anyone else's, because no one else is living their life under exactly the same circumstances as you, so please try to remember that when she compares you with others.

Sending all my support your way ❤️

#ask #abuse #abuse tw #abusive mother #emotional abuse tw #physical abuse tw #verbal abuse tw #suicidal tw #self harm mention #self harm tw #abusive father tw

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ritual-misery · 6 months

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18-10-2023 🎧

yesterday was very up and down 💀 and i knew it was gonna a mess the second i forgot my earphones at home. those shits r my lifeline. riding the bus in silence was torturous

anyways. yesterday something happened that hasn't happened in a while... i got gendered as female. usually, where i am now in my transition, i'd say i get gendered as male 99% of the time. ages vary; usually people think i'm some 13 year old LMFAO but chemically i am 13 so i mean... there u go. but nonetheless they read me as a guy

but yesterday was different. it was after my last class of the day and these girls started talking to me about the material and whatnot. then we went to some public event thing happening outside and as we're sitting there i get called "she" when one of the girls says something abt me to the other one. i thought, maybe i misheard. but then they started talking about the traits they hate in guys... then i was called a baddie... sooooo 😭

honestly i feel nothing about it. maybe a bit awkward cause eventually its gonna come up that im actually a guy. and its gonna be weird. but it kinda made me think. like yeah, i get gendered as male a lot, but honestly im still pretty androgynous. i have no facial hair yet, my face is still kinda round, i wear earrings (non-feminine ones), and i'm short. so someone could easily read me for a girl as much as they read me for a guy. i notice that when i do get misgendered, it's usually by girls. other guys always gender me right. the rare times i'm read as female it's usually by a girl. curious as to why

but nonetheless it happened. and it reminded me that i have a long way to go in my journey. and that i shouldn't get too proud and think that i'm mr. unclockable all of a sudden. i have some time to wait before my face changes dramatically or i grow facial hair (although im trying to get my hands on some minoxidil), but there are more areas where i can masculinize as i wait. like working out and doing different things with my hair. i'm gonna try and style it different because i feel like it makes me look so feminine and it bothers me lmao. it's this overgrown mullet thing, and the process of growing out the sides is making me want to go bald. in my deluded brain i feel that if i finally grow out my hair long it'll actually help me look more male? cause it'll cover my face and make me look a little older (i feel that lots of young boys have short hair while longer hair would indicate maybe an older guy? idk 💀)

it's easy to get discouraged, i think. i found my mind saying, "a cis guy would never have to deal with something like this." but then it occurred to me that i'm not a cis guy. i'm gonna have different experiences in life than one, and i shouldn't use the average cis guy's life as a marker for mine. it'll just leave me unsatisfied and feeling like a failure when i've failed nothing. i gotta focus on myself and what im doing. i'm not cis so my life is not gonna be similar to that of cis people's. and that's not a shitty thing

oh and here's my second problem. i ran out of testosterone. i'm with this specialized doctor right now and he's very hard to reach out too. long story short, the next time i see him is in november... i ran out of T last week. today's my shot day, actually. so i'm concerned. i know that nothing monumental will happen to me over 3 or so weeks, but the only thing i really don't want to happen is my period returning. which it surely will. so now i have to do a final hail mary: at the very beginning of this, i got a prescribed vial that i wasn't able to receive because of a problem with insurance. there's a chance that the vial is still sitting in the pharmacy now. will i probably have to pay? yeah. but i mean.. what choice do i have. i would rather pay and take the T than wait three weeks and have my body go through crazy mood swings and my monthly returning from the shadowy depths. so i'm about to call the pharmacy and see what they say. at least i can try. it's been one year, so the doctor is going to give my prescription to my family doctor to have him deal with it (special doctor only handles patients for one year), but my fam doctor will probably ask me to give it to someone else. so i should start researching some endos in the area

alas. weird life, weird events. today i got no classes and i'm gonna try and get stuff done. there's minimal things i need to do for school, so non-academic tasks are getting prioritized. ESPECIALLY my workout. it's been way too long, and i'm trying to get all buff now so when summer hits i'm chilling. plus it's winter coming soon so what else am i supposed to do lmao. also gonna try and buy some stickers to decorate my laptop today. very whimsical and fun ofc

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keefwho · 1 year

Text

November 01 - 2022

8:17 AM

No one likes to work, me included. And I don’t even have much to do relatively speaking. But it still sucks ass and I’m still trying to find a way of doing/thinking about it so I’m a little less miserable. Most of the time it comes down to knowing how awesome I’ll feel if I buckle down and get it done early so I have the rest of the day to goof off, but I still know I’ll have to do it all again tomorrow. And the next day. But part of bearing it is accepting it is ceaseless, its just how it is.

11:37 AM

My tummy has been unhappy for most of the morning but I’m not letting it bother me. It’s just annoying that it can happen so suddenly so often. I can’t wait for it to get better though. It happens enough that using it as an excuse for a break will mean I never get anything done. And I can’t hope for a natural break like a weekend all the time. I just have to deal with it.

2:14 PM

I did my time for today but I’m VERY stressed because I want to do good on this current commission and I’ve put a lot of time into trying to get it right. But I just cant get it to a good place. HOW MUCH TIME Is it gonna take me? Will I be able to get it done in a reasonable time at all? It’s difficult sometimes to meet my personal quotas and put out things I can be proud of. The only way to fix that would be to get better at being fast or charge more and I feel like I charge enough already. I’m gonna do my best to stop thinking about it right now and save it for tomorrow. It’ll be better to look at it with fresh eyes later anyways.

I WANT TO CRYYYY I can’t figure this shit out, it’s killing me Im so fucked

4:34 PM

Once again I am in despair about my anxiety/phobia.

I SHOULD be happy about getting groceries but I’m always just scared of them. Even the freezer food these days. Mainly the stuff in the fridge. Its hard to figure out what to do about all this. I’m afraid of basically all food to some degree. Eating is almost never enjoyable because I do it with caution. Thats why I struggle to eat enough. Its silly because I’ve never once gotten food poisoning in my life and I used to have the same food standards as my parents.

All I know to do is practice a little exposure and eat things I’m afraid of anyways, even if its just in small amounts. Pretending can help too, like pretending that everything is fine because it literally is. Its just fact that food isn’t as unsafe as I feel it is and I also have very high safety standards with everything I get. The reality is NOTHING I currently have should make me sick. Somewhere inside me I believe that something in my fridge/freezer/panty MUST be tainted. But none of it should be.

Maybe it’ll be good to write down every time I challenge myself and track that. I could have a 1-10 rating score on how challenging it was. I can probably do that with my calender but I don’t like cluttering it.

I know I must come off as fucking crazy but I’m trying my hardest to stop being this way. I would talk to a therapist again if I had the money but I need to get my work life sorted out more. I feel like it’s been in shambles for awhile. I used to be proud of how much I did and I always pulled in more money than I meant to but now I’m finding it hard to keep up.

4:58 PM

I think what I need is some coordination when it comes to how I’m trying to tackle my mental issues. I’m still kinda just winging it but some direction would be useful. Like implementation of a challenge system so I can record them and set goals. And maybe things I do daily like a recap of the days events followed my reading over the previous day’s entries. I’ve been meaning to re-read everything but I’ve been slacking.

5:21 PM

I was down for a little bit there but I’m picking myself back up. It feels wrong though, like I’m supposed to be miserable. But I should accept I deserve happiness. I also have the strong need to be consistent so I feel like being happy is a waste if I’m just going to be sad again so I should expect to stay sad. But I know that’s dumb. Everything is up and down. I should enjoy the ups. I’m currently feeling confident that I can make changes in my life and become who I want to be. Sometimes I slip up but I can always get myself back on track and do good things. I’m giving myself a little bit of deserved relaxation. REAL relaxation. I worked hard today so I deserve it.

Recap

This morning I woke up feeling like it was another weekend day because I do that every Sunday. I was very confident, I made myself a short list on sticky notes of things I’d get done in order as quickly as I could. I really didn’t want to waste time today like I usually do. I was moderately successful. My tummy kinda hurt and that was my biggest problem but I pulled through enough to be proud of myself. My ultimate goal was to get everything done before my dad brought my groceries at around 2:30 and I achieved that. I also decided to actually draw for 2 hours instead of just setting a 2 hour timer for it. If I go by timer alone, I end up not drawing for 15-30 minutes of that time because of bathroom breaks or sidetracking and I still tote myself as having drawn that whole time. Instead I went purely by my time tracker so I made sure to get that time in. I also put a stopwatch on the side and it took me 2.5 hours to do 2 hours of work. LOTS of distractions.

The afternoon was spent worrying a little bit before calming down and taking some much needed me time. I relaxed with BOTW and then Hyrule Warriors and Medievil while in call with my besties. Then I had some VRchat time with them and got off for dinner.

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abandoned-ax · 3 years

Text

Im on the team pt - 4

Pt 1 Pt 2 Pt 3

Haikyuu x ftm reader

Summery: 1st day of the training camp

When we came back for the longer training camp I was much more relaxed. Last time it was only one night but just a few weeks later and were back. Everyone’s been starting to try new things, I think last training camp had everyone realizing we don’t match up at all. Iv been working with Noya a bit more on receiving and everything a libero does as well as working with Tanaka on spiking. But the most interesting thing Iv been doing is helping Kagayama out, he’s working on a new kind of set and asked me if I would throw for him one day after practice, I was hanging back a bit myself just not wanting to leave the gym and so I decided to help him out. I’m seeing a new side to him I didn’t know, I’m used to seeing him as the perfect setter like he could do anything, but seeing him struggling and frustrated is new. The day before we left for training camp we were practicing his set and he got angrier then I had ever seen him, he threw the ball and shouted.

“Ahhhhhh! Why can’t I get it!”

I’m immediately on the ground trying to figure out what to do to help calm him down, but the only thing I can think of that he likes is volleyball. Sooo

“Kageyama!” He pauses to look at me, “umm I was wondering if you wanted to take a break from your set and maybe help me with mine instead.” I guess that got him to pause since he was now just looking at me, “is just Iv been wanting to work on it for a while now but it’s just, your so good at it and I just wanted to ask for some pointers, and it just seems like you could use a break so.” His breathing has started to even out a bit more, he looks a bit caught off guard.

“Ughh yeah I can do that.” So for the next half hour we worked ok my set, I made sure to praise and complement him on his set to make sure he knew how talented he was, I’m sure working so hard on a set and not being able to get it is really frustrating. After a while we were both tired so we moved to sit down drinking our water in silence.

“Thank you for helping me out, and you know for calming me down.” His voice got quieter as the sentence went on but I understood what he was getting at.

“It’s all good kageyama. I bet it’s frustrating.” He looks over at me and we make eye contact, it’s nice.

“Iv always been able to get it, and I just haven’t had to do something new like that in a while.”

“I know it’s frustrating, and I know I don’t know a lot about volleyball but even I know your one of the most talented players, you’ll get it, it’s just going to take a bit of time.”

“Thanks (Y/N)”

I smile over at him happy I could help in anyway, he pulls out his phone to check the time, “holy shit it’s late.” I look over at his phone and realize it’s 12:30 already!

“Oh wow.” Kagayama looks over at me and we start laughing, both realizing how wild it is that we stayed here for that long, “oh my god our buss to head to training camp is going to be here is like 4 hours!” Kagayama starts laughing louder.

“Holy shut we should head home huh?!” Both of us calm down our giggles before moving to walk home, we walk mostly together till we half to part ways, “well I’ll see you in a few hours Kags.”

He smiles at me a little “yeah I’ll see you in a few hours.” And with that we split ways.

It’s before the sun comes up that we have to be at the busses so naturally everyone is very tired. I meet Tsuki and Yams there but once Kagayama shows up I move over to him, he’s looking through his bag and so I ask “making sure you packed everything?” He look up startled but his gaze softens when he sees it’s me, “yeah after how late we got home last night I didn’t really have time to pack properly.” I giggle at him, “lucky I pack like a week in advance.” He chuckles “maybe I should start doing that to huh.” Coach gives a little speech and tells us all to get on the bus, I was originally planning on sitting wish Tsuki and Yams but they ended up sitting together and Kags asked if I wanted to sit with him so that’s what I did. Not long into the drive I ended up falling asleep with my head on Kagayamas shoulder, and he fell asleep with his on my head. But we were rudely awoken by Daichi “come on idiots were here.” I know I have a massive blush in my face so I get up and move to get off the bus quickly, I hear Daichi chuckle at us but ignore it and move quickly, one off the bus I move to find Tsuki and Yams, “so I see you’ve become friends with the king?” Tsuki says skeptically, “oh shut it Tsuki.” Yams laughs at us as we see Nekoma come out to greet us.

I walk over to where Kenma is talking to Hinata excited to see him again since we talked a bit at the last training camp and he seems super cool, “hey Kenma!” He looks away from Hinata and smiles at me “hey (Y/N), I was just talking to Hinata about the camp.”

“Oh yeah! It’s in a different place, do you know why?” Kenma chuckles at that question “yeah it’s a bigger space and a bit cooler here, but there’s a lot of bugs.”

“Fuck I should have brought bug spray.”

“It’s ok you can use mine if you wanna,” he says smiling a bit.

“Are you sure that would be ok?”

“Yeah I don’t mind!”

“Thanks Kennma.” I smile at him but the moment is cut short by a super tall guy yelling over at Hinata “hey did you grow taller yet?!” The two start bickering and I give Kenma a surprised look,

“that’s Lev, he’s the new kid for us.”

I giggle at the distressed look he gets looking over at the tall kid.

“I’m guessing he’s...a lot.”

“How’d you know?”

“I mean he did interrupt our conversation by yelling at Hinata about his height.” Kenma laughs at that.

“So (Y/N) you play any video games?” Me and Kenma talked the entire walk to Karasanos room, finding we have quite a bit in common, from our love of the same video games to our inability to sleep most nights. He’s nice to talk to, his calm and quiet tone is relaxing to listen to and his more subtle demeanor is cute.

We all put our bags in the room and got ready for our first game today. I didn’t play in the first few, but after a couple they switched me into the libero spot for a while and then I played middle blocker. We aren’t doing too good tho, haven’t won a single game, and after the 8th time doing the run for the loosing team I think I’m gunna die. When the end of the day came around we all collapsed after our last run.

“Ughhh I don’t think I can breath” I hear tanaka yell.

“We lost every game, how’d we lose every game.” Suga asked

We looked into the gym to watch the one game that’s still going, we are nowhere near that level. Daichi sits up and says he’s going to work on the synchronized attack, so everyone started to scatter.

I look over and see Tsuki walking away from the gym most of our team was using and Yams yells over at him “you aren’t going to practice Tsuki?” Tsuki turns around “no, we practice enough already.” And starts walking away, I knew Yams was probably itching to go practice his serve so I tell him, “go, I’ll follow the giraffe.” He smiles gratefully at me and I starts chasing after the blond boy.

“Tsuki wait up!” He doesn’t turn around so I start running faster till I catch up with him. “ughhh why are your legs so long!”

“There not that long yours are just short.”

We pause for a moment, it’s awkward. Me and Tsuki have never had an awkward moment, I don’t like it.

“Aren’t you going to practice?”

“No, we do that enough, everyday for hours we practice, I’m done for the night.”

I’m so lost on what to do at this point, I want him to come practice but I can’t force him too,

“Hey glasses kid,” I hear a voice say and turn around Tsuki stopping in his place, “oh and (Y/N)” it’s Kuroo from Nekoma.

“You guys wanna come practice with us? We could use another blocker!” I look over to Tsuki hopefully, maybe this will be the opportunity to get him motivated. Tsuki looks up and with the fakest smile on his face he says “sorry, I’m all done for the night.”

Kuroo and one of the other guys I think from Fukurodani are both appalled by his response,

“You know he may not look it but he’s one of the top 5 aces is Japan.”

The owl looking guy stands up taller and puffs out his chest looking proud. It’s cute!

“Yeah I think he’s still upset he’s not in the top 3 anymore.” I chuckle, there fun, you can tell they all joke around a lot.

“Well I’m in.” I say walking up to the gym and yelling back at Tsuki “don’t make me do this alone.” The three others stay in the door continuing to try and convince Tsuki to join.

I’m walking through but jump when I her “oh hi” from the floor, looking down it’s the tall kid who was talking to Hinata earlier. He looks like a baby dear before it can walk!

“What happened to you?”

“Kuroo did.” I laugh back at him. He sits up more going over to sit agains the wall and I move to sit next you him.

“Your a first year right? How long have you been playing?” A guy like him is clearly a powerhouse, I assume he’s been playing for years.

“Oh I just started!” He says with a goofy grin on his face,

“You just started!!”

“Hey! How long have you been playing!” He says in an amusing accusatory tone

“Well, I kinda just started too!”

“Haha were tied.” I smile over at him, he looks kinda intimidating but he certainly doesn’t act it as he giggles at our interaction. I think back to when I first saw him earlier he was with Kennma, I wonder where he is?

“Hey your on the team with Kennma right, I just talked to him earlier today and haven’t seen him around much since?”

“Oh Kennma?” I hear Kuroo yell jogging over to us “he went to go play some video games, he’s not really the type that needs to practice, nor do I think we could get him too!” He chuckles.

“Oh that reminds me! Did you get Tsuki to join?”

Kuroo gets a cocky smile on his face looking over his shoulder to see Tsuki looking angry. I get up but before I Kuroo I say “great, you made our tall guy with glasses angry.” I laugh at him sarcastically, he laughs back loudly and we go to start our first practice game of many.

An: hey guys sorry it’s been too long, I’m currently thinking I’ll make this a Kenma x Reader X Kuroo or maybe a Tsuki X reader not sure yet!! Let me know what you think!!!

#haikyuu x y/n #haikyuu x trans reader #haikyuu x me #haikyuu x you #haikyuu x male reader #haikyu x reader #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu!!#tsukishima x you #tsukishima x y/n #tsukishima fluff #kenma x reader #kenma x kuroo #kenma x male reader #kuroo x y/n #kuroo headcanons #kuroo tetsuro x you

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elliethesuperfruitlover · 2 years

Text

end of the year sap post

so another year has come and gone, and it has been....quite a lot, to say the least. and im not going to get into a god-awful amount of detail, but lets just say that it was very stressful when it was stressful, and sometimes enjoying really fun things was hard to do. i wrote a lot this year, now that i think about it. i started writing for different fandoms, i picked up several hyperfixations (and some havent dropped off yet) i created two wonderful brand new characters, who i love very much. and im really proud of myself for it.

im usually really bad at keeping up with stuff, and being consistent, but i really think that i did really well this year in writing, and creating new things and such. i go through hobbies like candy, but writing has stuck like glue lol. i went through a lot of really Not Good stuff this year, both in and out of fandom, and i just think that me being able to say “im still me” and stick to my values is really good. im really happy with what i created though. i dont compliment myself a lot, but im giving myself a pat on the back, and a big fat hug for everything that i’ve been through, and that i still have the courage to be here. and still loving my friends and family, and loving my hobbies. im really proud of myself, truly.

i couldnt have done a lot of that with my mutuals, both ones i talk to, and the ones that i dont anymore. theyre exceptionally kind, and funny, and keep me going. i couldnt be more thankful for their presence in my life.

(yes i will be complimenting my closer mutuals, they all deserve it)

@super-unpredictable98 she’s literally amazing. writes so much good stuff for so many medias!! flor has super good anime recommendations, and she never fails to make me fall in love with a character. i love screaming about all might with her lol. i love her OC’s. (JJ would love to be friends with Alma). i can be found rereading her fics close to daily bc theyre literally so good, and when i have brainrot for a character that she’s written, i go straight to her masterlist.

@bisexualnathanyoung ry is super sweet :). i love talking to them (even if it’s just me screaming in the tags most of the time) i like hearing about their thoughts on stuff, and even tho i wanna punch him, their love for nathan young is incredible and unmatched. me 🤝 ry *tired of people in our respective states being rude about COVID stuff*

@badsext i love her so much :). somehow a lot of our conversations end up being about food (and make each other hungry). i love hearing about different stuff thats been going on in her life, and she also has really good show and movie recommendations. her short stories are phenomenal btw. very funny and nice :)

@magic-multicolored-miracle we dont talk much, BUT i really appreciate shye’s presence. she has really good taste in music, and works very hard. she made me fall in love with derek sandoval, and every chapter “idiot affectionate” has a deathgrip on me, as well as any updates about olive and jess’ livelihood. i love her posts about mass effect too (even tho im lost half the time lol) extremely talented.

@joz-stankovich got me hooked on bakugou and he has a fucking chokehold on me. (if u dont call him off, im gonna log him off of the earth permanently/j). they’re super talented. i was very excited (and still am) when they started having brainrot for BNHA stuff bc i was like “ah, another pal to share class 1-a thoughts with”. theyre also super duper talented and their writing is g r e a t. i love talking about country! kirishima with them, and art student! bakugou. brainrot hours? brainrot hours. also really good at art like keep some talent for the rest of us/lh.

@the-freckled-luba we dont talk very much, but from june to mid september, the loki series was our braincell (as well as mobius), and our braincell ONLY. i love seeing the stuff you tag me in, and i really appreciate your good vibes! very sweet individual :)

@hucklebunny very talented human being right here! their art is super impressive!! also i love their text posts about their dogs and cool things. it’s very neat! we mostly talk through tags, and through the server, but i love said interactions lol. i love hearing them talk about sean falco, and as of late, the red riding trilogy :). its super cool.

@maerenee930 such a sweetheart! mae is really sweet! she always has nice stuff to say about people! also their earrings are super cool (i want the kool-aid burst ones pls). gives very good advice!! i would give them a hug given the opportunity. has the voice of a literal angel, audition for the voice right now bestie.

@firstpersonnarrator we do not talk much, but i quite literally love her writing so much. simon x billy is a great series, and ive loved reading it so far! i like the comedic and honest feel her writing has to it! its very unique, and is super SUPER good. i enjoy her love for simon lewis as well! very funny individual!

@catsnathan anna is so sweet! we don’t talk very often, it’s mostly in the server, but you always have something nice to say! i admire your love for cats btw, and i hope that you can get one soon! you deserve all the kitties!

@santacarlahorrorshow i love seeing ur gifs! they’re always really nice and crisp! and i know that if i ever need something, you’re there :). also i love your stranger things fics and the sirius fic! so much delitches plot, and just mm yes.

@candyclaw literally super cool! we dont talk super often, but i always enjoy it when we do :). they have super cool cosplays, and are a very talented painter! her “shinji in the frog chair” painting is fucking iconic, i laughed, i cried, Y E S. i enjoy seeing them post about evangelion stuff (bc that show genuinely fucked me up, same with the movies, i cant look thru the evangelion tag) it means i get free evangelion related stuff to think and talk about. also deltarune chapter 2 came out this year, and seeing them reblog stuff about it made my brain go brrrr bc i am shaking hands with them in solidarity for that game series.

@salvador-daley we dont talk very often, however its always fun when we do! very talented writer. salv is also very very funny! i remember seeing a new chapter of a fic, then i realized i hadnt read the previous ones in depth and went ham over on ao3.

@frogs--are--bitches we also dont talk very often, but mickey is a very cool individual! they have a really good sense of not only style, but also humor! no but for real, hand over entire closet.

@forenschik loki brainrot pals. we dont talk very often, but its always really pleasant! very talented painter as well (i think about the shoes you did and im baffled at how good they are) also being a chemist is such a good job! its super cool to me!

@seancekitsch we also dont talk alot, but her fashion sense is also super duper cool! i still have not watched the lost boys, but i do enjoy seeing you post about the witcher. (i also have not watched that show). very talented writer!!! glad to chat with her whenever i get the chance :)

@neuroticpuppy we dont speak very often. its just me leaving tags on stuff lol. very cool person tho!! i enjoy seeing her reblog stuff whenever it pops up, and it’s very nice vibes.

dont feel bad if i left u out, i promise it wasnt on purpose (unless it was in which, i hope you’re doing well and drinking water. also i never stopped caring, contrary to what you may think.). but i did some good things. and also some really bad things that i’ll never forgive myself for. i cant say im a better person or anything bc i dont know if i experienced much mental growth, really. i learned more things, sure. but idk if too terribly much has changed.

im forever grateful for my mutuals’ presence. and im extremely thankful for the time ive spent with all of yall so far. you make everything a lot better for me. and im sure you do the same for other individuals in your lives. im very proud of each and every one of you. for what you all have done this year, and every other year you’ve spent alive and breathing. i love yall. and you all matter to me more than you can ever imagine. So here’s to next year, and whatever it may bring!

~Ellie

#i love my mutuals a lot

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hella1975 · 3 years

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hella!! important (not really) question: what's your favourite scene that you've written for taob so far? like,, of the published ones

(capt-snoozles)

ohhhhhhh this is actually such a cool question do u mind if i give you like a top 5? this isn't me going 'well they're all just so good how could i possibly choose' it's just bc i'm taking this as what my favourite scene is GENERALLY and not in regards to the writing, and as it is bc taob is such a personal story for me a lot of the scenes have been really impactful and cathartic to write, and also i have scenes that mean a lot to me bc of what they meant to OTHER PEOPLE and just bc of the general reaction they got, so this is just all of that lol (i feel like none of that made sense. im half-awake rn allow it)

okay in no particular order we have;

the aurora scene in ch8 (b1). this scene is the first proper time i let my own personal writing style go a bit feral in taob. up until that point, i'd been too nervous and had actually been trying to mimic the way muffinlance wrote, bc i thought that was what people would want. but i knew this scene was incredibly emotional and my writing style works better with stuff like that, so i let myself write it how i wanted to write it, and the response that scene got and still gets to this day is insane

sokka seeing zuko's scars in ch26 (b2). this is quite simply an occasion where i was really proud of my own writing, which is actually really rare for me bc im so so fucking critical of myself (but im trying to get better at Not Doing That so who knows). i'd been planning the metaphors and fleshing out this scene for weeks beforehand and it was just one of those writing moments where you're like 'omg! here it is! that scene i've been excited for!'

zuko naming his feelings as rage in ch28 (b2). this was so so so important for me personally. zuko had all these feelings and there was that recurring metaphor of the eagle-hawk and it had gone on for 18 chapters by that point, and we finally got to see him accept that it was anger that he was feeling. it was very much a 'name the monster' moment and it probably shouldn't have been as cathartic for me as it was, but i just think there's something so important in finally accepting that, regardless of how ugly it is, regardless of how much you don't want to be, you are angry

the zuko alone chapters 29/30 (b2). OKAY I KNOW THESE AREN'T SCENES AND ARE IN FACT ENTIRE CHAPTERS BUT THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THESE THAT I KEEP COMING BACK TO AND I DONT KNOW WHY. there are a lot of moments in these chapters that stick out to me. my favourite bit of imagery in the entirety of taob (and one that was very much on purpose and is very much going to be mentioned again) is the scene in ch29 where zuko is staring up at sozin's portrait. And then there's also all the conversations had between zuko and azula in these chapters, and them holding blue fire on the beach, and zuko trashing his room etc. i literally couldn't tell you why these all hit me so hard but chapters 29 and 30 are probably the chapters i've reread the most out of the entirety of taob

the fever dream sequences in ch33 (b2), particularly the stage one. i'd known ever since the beginning of taob that i wanted to go ham with the writing here, but it also happened that ch33 fell over a time where i was really self-conscious about my writing. i thought taob had become really average lately and that i was losing the spark that attracted so many people to my work in the first place, and i was actually in quite a bitter mindset, to the point that reading other people's fics filled me with this really ugly jealousy. i'd like to say that ch33 was me healing from that, proving to myself that i could still write good things, but it was actually quite a petty 'fuck you look what i can do' that i wrote almost in a fit of anger. but the end result was the same, and every time i feel self-conscious, i remember that ch33 was not that long ago and i managed to churn out that shit while doing my economics exams, so i can't be that awful

#sometimes i think my insecurity in my own writing is getting better and then i get asked something like this #and i realise just how prominent it still is #://#anyway this was actually a really fun question tysm! i love things like this #also if you're someone who has ever sent something either here or on ao3 about scenes you like or something #then you're honestly iconic and a legend and the moment #bc shit like that really helps me figure out where you guys are at with taob and how you're finding it #i actually never know what you guys are thinking and unless you explicitly tell me i WILL assume the worst #skgjhjdkg sorry <3 #OH and also back to the ask for a sec i like how you asked for scenes out of those already published #bc i genuinely think most of my favourite scenes of taob are actually ones that haven't been written yet #like there's so many in future chapters that im absolutely dying to write and for you guys to see #ask #taob asks

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