#so there seems to be multiple reads of the same refrain

[purenguyening]

For the name + question thing: N A O - (A) L I C E + M Y S T (E) R (I C A)

spell your name in my ask, fandom edition!

N, your favourite crackship:

Nakamori Aoko/Mouri Ran, mostly because I like to poetically name the ship "A blue orchid". I do think they should meet and they'd definitely get a long, though.

A, fandom you blog about the most:

Going based on tumblr, probably Touhou Project? It's the fandom that saw the most activity out of me.

O, tell us about your favourite AU for one of your ship:

In the same Touhou Modern AU, I like the idea of Yoshika and Kasen running a Dim Sum shop together, but like with every other alternate universe, I never dedicated time to actually sit down and flesh it out further...

--

A, fandom you blog about the most:

I think second most might be Ace Attorney (though I have never finished Spirit of Justice and ever started the Dai Gyakuten Saiban series). I used to write a decent amount of meta thoughts on it and had a short list of what I imagined an Ace Attorney Investigations III would look like, it's still floating around somewhere on Tumblr under my old blog...

L, a quote from one of your fandoms which you absolutely adore:

Haibara: Oh, since when did I become your assistant?

Conan: Not, assistant, partner.

&

Haibara: Moreover, I also believe in him as my partner.

This is a bit of a cheat because I think it works specifically if you know they're from back to back movies (the former from Movie 11 and the latter from Movie 12). They're a very lovely pair of moments that I think captures a lot of the trust and faith Conan and Ai have in each other.

I know the term they specifically use is 'aibou' but I have heard it's slowly becoming a term to have a romantic sense and I, personally do like the term partner as a romantic term, too...

I, a book you can read over and over:

A Tour of Calculus by David Berlinkski. I like reading about the history of mathematics. I don't know if I can fully read it right now and follow all of the logic since it's been a long time since I've read anything about mathematics in full detail, but I would like to give it a go in the neat future.

Also, I love that one of the chapters is just title "Yo."

C, which fandom do you know the most about?

Touhou Project just because of sheer scale and how long it's been running. I would argue, even though I only focus on like a small faction of Touhou, it's still a lot.

It's a very dense series and even if you only focus a small section you end up learning a lot.

E, a character you think you’re the most like?

Ema Skye from Ace Attorney. I can't help but feel a lot for her about her frustrations in her career path and wanting to repay my debts to others but not able to due to circumstances out side of my control.

--

M, your favourite writer/s

I had to think about this because I tend to only read a small fraction of a writer's works and it's rare for me to read all of their works.

Off the top of my head: blackidyll, huppaduppa, mimicteruyo, and rabbiteclair

For a more traditional published author, Rebecca Traister has been lingering in the back of my mind lately.

Y, which of your favourite shows has the worst writing?:

Detective Conan, but I think is in part to Aoyama wanting to push for like 200 volumes and so there's a lot of easy points.

One moment that I find particularly off-putting is Haibara's restrained reaction to Kid tazing Conan. It just felt off and it's one of those moments that I really felt my suspension of disbelief breaking.

The other moment is during the London Arc where Ran shouts at Shinichi to "deduce her heart". That moment made me incredibly uncomfortable.

S, which ship do you have an infinite amount of songs for?

Honestly, none. I have like one romantic song that I will shamelessly slap onto all of my OTPs instead.

It's Nodey's Đôi Khi ❤️

(Yes, the heart emoji is very important) There's some details of the song that I know won't work for every OTP, but I just adore the refrain too much:

Đôi khi em trông thấy anh

Đôi khi lại không

Đôi tay ta ôm lấy nhau

Không đi về đâu

Sometimes I see you,

Sometimes I don't

Our hands embracing

Into nowhere.

The above is the official translation (like, what you'll see when you turn on English Subtitles) but the way I've always understood the song is:

Sometimes, I see you, sometimes I don't. (With) our hands entwined (we're) going nowhere.

Functionally, they're the same, but my read of it is a little bit more personal? And I always thought it suited a bit more once you know the featured artist, Suboi, is married to Nodey.

I digress.

T, favourite female characters?

At the moment, Makomo.

I don't know why but when I'm alone I find myself muttering "Everyone shut the fuck up, right now, Makomo's here" every time I saw her and it's kind of evolved a bit where my friends will send me art with the caption: "Everyone be quiet!!! She's here!!!" and I just get really happy? I love her dearly.

E, a character you think you’re the most like?

Haibara Ai, I just love her arc and her coming to terms with the past and how it doesn't define her who she is today. She's rebuilding her life and finding joy in the people who love her.

R, best book to film adaptation, in your opinion?

This is cringe and a failure on me since I don't have usually pick up a lot of books and movie adaptations together so my only answer is, sadly, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

I, a book you can read over and over

I'm not entirely sure if I should count it since I'm really only reading it for one specific chapter but, One-Winged Butterfly, specifically the chapter "For Those Who Do Not Smile."

There's a lot of fun details that just bring a smile to my face.

C, which fandom do you know the most about?

Free! Probably in part there's a lot of magazine articles and interviews that have been translated over the years so I end up picking up a lot of the thought process behind the making of the series.

A, fandom you blog about the most

Going by my blog's tags, Free!

#thanks for the ask! #asks #naosuki #as an aside i did a quick run of the lyrics in google translate #the google translated version of the lyrics is #sometimes i see you sometimes not #our hands holding each other not going anywhere #so there seems to be multiple reads of the same refrain

[shiny-jr]

Not an update or anything, just a small response to messages I've been receiving in the inbox.

To the person that has sent multiple repetitive messages in my inbox about the damnation series, including what-ifs, asking for continuations, and asking for me to add certain characters to the series, while your enthusiasm is appreciated, the scores of messages are not. Please, stop. I've read your messages, including the ones that seem to be a direct copy and paste of the same message you sent hours earlier. I didn't want to respond to it directly, and I do not want to name names, but when the messages continued I knew I had to respond. As I said, I will not name names, but you know who you are.

I wanted to word this as gently as possible, because like I said, the enthusiasm is appreicated. Just not in the form of a stream of messages asking me to do this or that. I generally do not continue series that are considered completed, so that includes the damnation results that are completed. I will not be continuing those. The idea someone suggested of adding particular characters is just that, an idea. So when you ask me for details, I cannot give them, because I haven't even thought of them long enough to generate a proper written idea. I get it, you're interested and want to see more, but all these messages are not at all encouraging. In fact, seeing those repetitive asks is discouraging, as I've honestly began to feel bitter now towards the idea of adding said characters to the concept and I've held back from posting a sneak-peek I was considering sharing.

So please, I ask that you refrain from spamming the inbox. I've already mentioned plenty of times before that I do not answer every ask sent, whether it be a request or a chat. However, I try to answer as much as I can, without forcing myself to yap. That being said, I will not respond to the recent asks you sent in. I love chatting with my followers, but not like this.

#shiny speaks

[untitled-writer-013]

What if the scenario was flipped where the reader is yandere and obsessed with alt Gabriel? I feel like he would eat that mess up

Alt Gabriel x Fem!Yandere!Reader

warning(s): yandere themes, stalking, obsessive behavior, gabriel and reader are obsessed with each other.

Gabriel had been in love with (Y/n) for quite a while, but he had tried to keep his distance. He didn’t stalk her, but he’d make sure she got home okay and have his alternates protect her. He’d be careful with making sure she never noticed the alternates, after all that could give him away. And whenever he wasn’t doing that, he was focused on himself, spending his time reading while sitting in the park, knowing no humans would see him since Mandela County was under strict lockdown where no one was allowed to go to wide, open areas where it’d be difficult to hide from an alternate.

On one of these days where he was relaxing in the park, he heard a snap and a gasp from behind him. He quickly stood from the bench he had been sitting on, turning around to see what it was. 

What he wasn’t expecting was (Y/n), sitting on the ground with a journal in one hand and a camera in the other. Gabriel paused, the terrifying grin that had nearly made its way on his face slipped back into a normal smirk, curious as to what his darling was up to.

“Now, what’s a little songbird like you doing in the park? Don’t you know that an alternate could get you? Especially if you’re out here all alone.” Gabriel stated, his voice smooth as he unfolded his wings, letting (Y/n) drink in his appearance.

“I know..but I wanted to see you, Angel.” (Y/n) replied, catching Gabriel slightly off guard with her own nickname for him. It almost made him laugh, but he refrained from doing so. Instead, he focused more on what she had said, making him wonder how long she had known about him.

“I see, is that what the camera and journal is for?” Gabriel asked, his curiosity growing the more (Y/n) spoke. He watched as she nodded, seeming almost ashamed of what she was doing.

“Could I have a look?” Gabriel asked, his smirk growing slightly when he noticed her hesitate.

“Please? It would make me very happy to see what you have so far.” Gabriel stated, silently celebrating when (Y/n) handed him her journal and camera. He looked through the journal first, his eyes widening slightly when he noticed that it was full of notes about him. He then went through the camera, seeing multiple photos of him in different places, doing various things. He continued looking through it as he wore a wicked smile on his face, the feeling of being worshipped by his darling was intoxicating.

Gabriel looked down at (Y/n), carefully handing her the journal and camera before he cupped her face, making her look up at him.

“I wish you had come to me sooner. This is amazing, darling.” Gabriel stated, smiling gently as he pressed a kiss to her forehead, bending down so he could reach her. (Y/n) had felt her face warm up, relieved that Gabriel wasn’t upset with her. 

“You know, when stalking you, I never had the idea of keeping a journal about you. I may have to start doing that.” Gabriel stated, thinking aloud while (Y/n)’s eyes widened.

(Y/n) had been so focused on stalking Gabriel, she hadn’t realized that he had been doing the same. A smile grew on her face, nodding enthusiastically while Gabriel smiled, now determined for his darling to continue worshipping him.

After discovering his darling’s dark secret, Gabriel would be obsessed with his darling’s obsession for him. He’d pretend to not notice his darling following him home, or her taking photos of him while he ‘sleeps’. He wouldn’t be able to help himself at times, looking through the journal she kept to see what all she had written about him.

(Y/n) would do the same, although there’d be many times where she didn’t know that Gabriel was close behind her, jumping when he wrapped his arms around her in a hug. She’d try to look her best in case Gabriel was watching her, which would only fuel the angel’s obsession with her.

Overall, the two would be absolutely obsessed with one another, and both would make sure that nothing happened to each other. Plus, being able to have a human who is trusted by the other people in Mandela County, Gabriel and his alternates would begin to take over much more quickly.

Mandela County would fall, and Gabriel would take over with his murderous darling by his side.

~fin~

author’s note: i believe Gabriel’s obsession with his darling would grow tenfold as soon as he learned of her obsession with him. he’ll make sure nothing happens to her, and she’ll do the same. <33

#original writing #taking requests #alternate gabriel #alternate gabriel x reader #alt gabriel #alt gabriel x reader #alternate gabriel x yandere reader #yandere alternate gabriel x yandere reader #yandere alternate gabriel #yandere alternate gabriel x reader #yandere alt gabriel #yandere alt gabriel x reader #yandere alt gabriel x yandere reader #alt gabriel x yandere reader #yandere tmc #tmc #tmc gabriel x reader #x reader #fem reader #female reader #yandere #yandere reader #yandere fem reader #yandere female reader

[macabrecravings]

Ohhhhhh... Very optional. And, naturally, something that could have multitudinous answers, so multiple could absolutely be given. But ALSO...

Given that they're talking again/have made up, enough that they could get away with it, what do you think the first non-"book criminal" thing Sydney would write on Kylar would be? Would Sydney change how they write book criminal on them, even, like they do for PC? Or would they not write on Kylar at all, maybe!

(BONUS: ADORE YOUR WRITING!! The thought you put into Sydneyposts and both your understanding of him and how he'd articulate things absolutely fucks to read :} your ocs seem really cool too... well wishes)

I HAVE!!! SO MANY THOUGHTS about Sydney (& Kylar) bodywriting <3 This got LONG but I'm genuinely rotating this so hard, thank you for prompting me.

— When they're closer, I imagine the normal "Book Criminal >:(" would become “Book Criminal :(“ with a sad face. Reason being...? Well, he's disappointed that Kylar's still destructing school property, even after all of his lecturing

— It's really fun to picture Sydney writing "Interesting" on Kylar, like he does to the PC when he's intrigued by them/getting closer to them. Interesting is... definitely one way to describe him, for sure. Kylar scrunches his face at it, trying to decipher what he means by it. Gets all grumpy and huffy, tries to glare at him but he just kinda looks like a wet cat LMFAO.

— Playing off of another canon Sydlar scene, I'm going to go ahead and take his "Kylar >:(" and make it "Kylar :)" [The original scene happens while Sydney & Kylar are fighting over PC and taking turns writing on them, but in this scenario I imagine it like most of his other PC bodywriting scenes.] - "Hey, can I write something on you?" - "Ah? Uh... y-yeah, I guess...?" - **Kylar :)** Kylar stares at it, confused. Why'd he... label him?

— Putting aside the fact that Sydney is super organized & clean, I loooveee the idea of him being a doodler. Hence why he draws little hearts and faces on people. Unlike Kylar, he refrains from drawing on school assignments & library books, but he still finds it enjoyable!! So, hear me out. Little stars, hearts, swirls, dotting the back of Kylar's hand and up his arm after he sits at the same table as him :)

Bonus points if Kylar rolls the sleeves of his school uniform/jacket down over them and forgets about them until that evening when he heads home. When he sees them again, the little red doodles are all smudged and he's kinda like, "Ah. Right." Maybe daydreams about it a little bit before he washes it off.

— Bit of a mushier, more self-indulgent one here but ummm...! Sydney writing nice little quips / little motivational phrases on Kylar's arms. Supportive little phrases to boost his confidence and keep him going throughout the day when things are rough. He rolls his eyes at the gesture, thinks it's dumb. But... at the same time, they’re validating. Having genuinely supportive reminders on his skin that contrast his scars? Ough...

(P.S. That means THE WORLD to me...!!!! My absolute favorite part of writing is characterization & I genuinely put so much thought into taking canonical bases and fleshing them out / expanding them while trying to keep it in the general realm of possibility!!! A lot of the time w/ the roleplay account, it's like taking a shot in the dark and running off of pure vibes so I looveeee that y'all enjoy what I do w/ it :))

Also. I'm so obsessed with my OCs, I can't wrap my head around the fact that people enjoy them as much as I do but I wouldn't change it for the world ;w; Characterizing and fleshing them out is a blast too, I'm not limited by anything really,,,, I find myself going "ugh I wish ____ would do *this* and I've got to be like. "I mean... who's stopping you...?" </3 Be free!!! Do whatever you want forever!! <3)

#sydney the faithful #kylar the loner #degrees of lewdity #my writing📕💌 #technically #sydney dol #kylar dol

[weirdkpopgirl]

Mine | Jaemin Fic #1

Title: Mine

Genre: College AU, best friends to lovers

Word Count: 3551k

Warnings: mentions of reader being insecure, also tiny mentions her having a not-so-great childhood

Author's Note: Before, I tried to refrain from writing this trope because I thought it was a bit cliché. But I decided there was no harm in trying it. I think there are a lot of other writers who have done a better job than me. It was still fun to make this though. Hope you guys like my first longish story on here! Thank you for reading ^ - ^

∘♡∘°∘♡∘°∘♡∘°∘♡∘°∘♡∘°∘♡∘°∘♡∘°∘♡∘°∘♡∘°∘♡∘°∘♡∘°∘♡∘°∘♡∘°∘♡∘°∘♡∘°∘♡∘°∘♡∘°∘♡∘

“(Y/n)-ah!” 

On cue, your eyes lifted from the textbooks in front of you and found a familiar face. You acknowledged the caramel brown-haired man with a small smile. Pretending as if your heart didn’t flutter when he called your name.

Jaemin returned your smile with his adorable one and claimed the empty chair next to you. 

“What are you doing here?” You asked the boy, watching as he reached for his bag.

“I was at the convenience store and picked this up for you,” He quickly explained, placing a triangle kimbap in your hand. “I got the spicy crab one you like.”

A confused frown formed on your lips. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“Knowing psychology major Lee (Y/n), you’ve been here since the morning on a Saturday. Which means you probably skipped breakfast and lunch,” Jaemin relayed. 

“Aish…how did you know?” You admitted quietly, as you unwrapped the plastic on the kimbap. It was crazy how he knew you so well.

You guessed that’s what happens when you’ve been best friends with a person for six years. Ever since you helped him from failing the math exam in the sixth grade, Na Jaemin stuck to you like glue. Throughout middle and high school, people wouldn’t see you without the other.

He looked at you like a proud mom when you took the first bite. “I just know you.”

You held his gaze for a second too long, cursing at yourself for blushing. Usually, the two of you were super casual with each other. In those small moments of sincerity, you felt like a million butterflies fluttered in your stomach.

It seemed that with years of friendship came blossoming feelings. You knew how stupid and cliché you were, being secretly in love with your best friend. But how could you not fall for him?

Na Jaemin was perhaps the only person who knew Lee (Y/n) the best. He knew all the things you liked and hated. He knew about your tendency to crack under pressure and the constant anxiety that ruled your mind. And he knew what cheered you up during those times, whether it was reassuring words or a warm hug from your best friend.

Jaemin…saw you in your worst moments. Maybe that’s why you fell for him. You realized it in ninth grade when your mom left the house and Jaemin was immediately at your side. He stayed the whole night, wiping away your tears and repeatedly telling you it wasn’t your fault. 

But no matter how strong your feelings grew, you suppressed them to the best of your ability. You decided a long time ago that Jaemin probably didn’t feel the same way. You knew because you watched him date multiple girls in high school. Though they were short-lived like any high school relationship, he never failed to capture the heart of any girl with a charming face like his. Besides, you treasured your friendship more than some confession that could easily ruin what you already had. At least this way, he was still a part of your life and you were a part of his.

Your thoughts were interrupted by loud chatter from a group entering the study area. You didn’t even need to look to know who the six boys were. After entering high school, Jaemin made a lot of friends. Even though they could be annoying with how much bickering they did, they were a nice group of guys.

Mark was a super senior majoring in business. Renjun, Haechan, and Jeno were third-year students, just like you and Jaemin. Then there was Chenle who was a sophomore and you recently met Jisung who was a freshman.

“Ugh, how long have you been here?” Haechan groaned at the sight of the textbooks and notes laid in front of you.

You sent the boy a glare. “I have a 15-page research paper due by the end of the week. Time can’t be wasted.”

“Sheesh. Being a psychology major sounds scary,” Jeno shuddered. 

You rolled your eyes and took another bite of your kimbap. Though you didn’t want to admit it, eating felt pretty nice after pulling two all-nighters and skipping meals. You were almost thankful when the attention of the group shifted to the boy next to you.

“Hey, I heard a certain someone might like you,” Mark nudged him on the shoulder.

News to him, Jaemin cocked a brow. “Really? Who?”

“Song Hyejin,” Renjun answered. “Contemporary dance major.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure we share a class,” Jisung nodded. 

Chenle beside him, pulled out his phone to show Jaemin a picture of her. “You know her, right?”

You peeked over at the younger’s phone. Song Hyejin…you’ve passed by her in the halls a few times. Despite being only a freshman, she quickly became popular among the guys. What was there not to like about her? She had beautifully styled hair, wore the best outfits, and had the prettiest makeup. She was sweet, talented, and surely had a whole future ahead of her.

“She’s cute I guess,” Jaemin shrugged in response. 

Haechan playfully smacked him on the shoulder. “Just cute? She’s a total goddess.”

A piece of you deflated at this. Insecurity was another reason Jaemin and you could never happen. There was no way that he would like you when he could have any other girl in the world. Despite how close you were, you knew that Na Jaemin was out of your league.

 ✰ ― ― ― ― ― ― ― ― ― ― ―・ 

That evening, you could barely concentrate on your assignments. Your mind kept wandering back to what the guys were talking about earlier. You wondered if Jaemin was going to date Hyejin. They’d surely be a popular campus couple if they did. Jaemin was already known for his handsome visuals and charming personality. 

“You’ve been staring at your computer screen for the past seven minutes.” 

Snapping out of your thoughts, you glanced over to your roommate, Young-Mi who was on her bed scrolling through social media. As the one other person who went to high school with you, she had been there to witness your hopeless crush on Jaemin.

“Oh, I didn’t realize,” You muttered and closed your laptop for the night. Your work was pretty much finished anyway.

Young-Mi sat up and stretched her arms. “Are you doing anything next Monday?”

“No, why?”

“There’s a guy in my programming class. His name is Yangyang,” Your friend spoke casually. “He’s in the same year as us, and I think you guys would get along.”

You sighed already knowing where this was going. “I’m not interested.”

“Oh come on,” Young-Mi whined. “Are you going to be hung up on Na Jaemin forever?”

You turned around, suddenly feeling defensive. “What—no! It’s just…I don’t want to date anyone right now.”

“That’s the thing, you never want to date anyone,” Young-Mi huffed in frustration. “I’ve watched you turn down a bunch of guys in high school and you still do it. All because of him!”

“It’s not that big of a deal, Young-Mi-yah.”

But the girl persisted. “I’m sorry to break it to you (Y/n)-ah. But he clearly hasn’t shown any interest in you over the years, and he probably never will.”

Your nails dug into the fabric of your leggings. The truth hurt a lot more said out loud. 

“Come to your senses, Lee (Y/n). It’s time to move on.”

The thought of it felt like someone was stealing your breath. You’ve been stuck in this one-sided love for far too long now. No matter how you tried, you couldn’t seem to get over him. But Young-Mi was right, you were never going to get anywhere with this.

“I’ll think about it,” You mumbled before leaving to go wash up for the night.

 ✰ ― ― ― ― ― ― ― ― ― ― ―・ 

Jaemin heaved a small sigh as he gave Hyejin a polite smile when she waved to him. Before she could approach him, he quickly passed by. She had asked him to have lunch with her the other day, and he couldn’t exactly say no. After that one time, he was more careful to leave first before she could get to him.

“You dodged that one pretty fast.” Jeno walked up beside him. “You’re really not interested in her, huh?”

Jaemin chuckled, “Hyejin is nice. But…”

“You still have feelings for (Y/n)?” 

Jeno didn’t even need to ask. He was the only one in the friend group who knew about the boy’s “unrequited” love for you. Solely because Jeno said it was so “obvious,” and that the others were fools to not notice.

“Yeah…” Jaemin nodded sadly.

The truth was, Jaemin has been in love with you since that time you helped him out in middle school. You were always the better student and took it upon yourself to tutor him in whatever subject he was struggling in. Even though you acted like you didn’t care about others, Jaemin knew you were a kindhearted person.

“Don’t you think it’s about time you let her know?”

“It’s not that easy.” The boy stuffed his hands in the pockets of his jacket.

The other truth was that Jaemin was afraid, always has been. Perhaps, you were the most precious person to him. He didn’t want to start something with you, only for it to not work out and make things awkward between the two of you. Being your best friend at the most, was the safest place for him to be at.

“If (Y/n) knows my true feelings, I could lose her,” He stated. 

Jeno sighed and swung his arm around his friend. “Well, I think there’s a high chance she likes you back. And who knows, maybe you guys are soulmates or something.”

Jaemin laughed and parted ways from Jeno before heading to the cafeteria. A smile crept on his lips when he saw you eating some yukgaejang. He was getting worried because you haven’t been coming to lunch lately. You were always the type to prioritize academics over your health.

“Whatcha looking at?” He asked as he sat down.

You glanced up from your phone. “Young-Mi is trying to set me up on a blind date.”

“With who?”

He crossed his arms and looked over your shoulder at the Instagram profile you pulled up. Jaemin instantly didn’t like the idea of this.

“Eh, I’ve seen better-looking guys,” He muttered, before shoving rice into his mouth. You couldn’t quite read his expression. “Are you…”

“I don’t know. Maybe,” You shrugged. “It’s not like I have any plans.”

Jaemin didn’t like what he heard. While he’s had some experience, you have never dated anyone before. Your priority of school and getting a job after college was the excuse you used. He wondered what changed your mind all of a sudden.

“Do you have a problem with that?” You tilted your head, noticing the frown he was wearing.

Jaemin met your curious eyes and quickly shook his head. “N—no. You can do whatever.”

Your shoulders dropped. “Oh…okay.”

He internally cursed at himself for saying that. The thought of you going out with some other guy didn’t sit well with him. But you were your own person who was perfectly capable of making your own decisions. Who was he to stop you?

✰ ― ― ― ― ― ― ― ― ― ― ―・ 

On your visit home during the weekend, you had stationed yourself in the kitchen for the whole afternoon. Just as you were popping the metal pan out of the oven, your older brother, Taeyong strolled in.

His eyes immediately enlarged with interest. “You made brownies?”

“Yeah, I was just in the mood I guess,” You said, grabbing the glass of water you got earlier. “Jaemin likes sweet things you know.”

“Oh, are you guys finally a thing now?” Taeyong asked. He sat at the counter and reached for one of your chocolate treats. His actions earned a light slap on the hand with your oven mitt.

“Wait until they cool,” You lightly scolded, pretending to ignore the amused expression on his face. “And no we aren’t.”

“Huh, I thought you would be by now.” He rested his chin on his hand innocently. “Jaemin hasn’t confessed yet?”

His sudden question threw you into a fit of coughs from choking on your water. Your lovely brother shook with laughter.

“What are you talking about? He doesn’t like me like that.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure. Have you ever seen the way he looks at you?”

You laughed at his ridiculous question. This was just another way of Taeyong trying to tease you.

He stood up from his seat. “Just think about it. Maybe you’ve been too focused on your feelings that you never picked up on them.”

Then yet again, your brain was left in a jumbled mess. When you think about it, maybe Jaemin dropped some hints here and there. But with his naturally flirty personality, you didn’t think he treated you any differently than other girls. Though there was always this sincerity in his words and a softness in his eyes.

You shook your head. Remembering what Young-Mi said a while back, you needed to stop these fantasies. Then again, if your own brother thought the opposite, maybe you were missing something.

 ✰ ― ― ― ― ― ― ― ― ― ― ―・ 

You fumbled with the paper blue bag in your hands, as you walked toward the lecture room Jaemin was in. His Monday class always ended at 1:30 p.m. Yours ended an hour earlier, and that’s when you’d usually be in the library or study space. But you had the brownies you planned to give to him.

Jaemin often begged you for treats whenever you made them. And of course, the boy didn’t seem to leave your mind. Despite the amount of effort you put into getting over him, you just couldn’t help yourself.

Just as you spotted him standing outside the classroom door, there was another figure in front of him. One with beautifully styled hair and a designer dress you could never afford. You couldn’t compete with your round-shaped glasses, stick-straight hair, and the plain black turtleneck you often wore.

You didn’t even have to take a step forward to overhear the conversation.

“I apologize for my forwardness but…I like you, Sunbae,” She spoke shyly, bouncing on the tip of her toes. “After talking with you, I think we’re pretty compatible. Let’s date!”

It only took the tiniest of smiles to crack on Jaemin’s face for your stomach to churn. You turned in the other direction, walking as fast as possible so you couldn’t hear his response.

“You’re such an idiot, Lee (Y/n)!” You blinked away the tears that already began to form.

You didn’t understand why you were getting so emotional. Surely this wasn’t the first time you witnessed your best friend enter a new relationship. Of course, it hurt to see him with another girl. Back then you pretended to be okay because you didn’t want Jaemin to worry. 

Maybe because it was Song Hyejin, someone you could never be. And now she’d have someone you could never have.

“Hey (Y/n), I was just about to text you!” Young-Mi exclaimed when she saw you were outside.

You closed your eyes and took a deep breath. “Eo, what is it?”

“Do you still want to meet the guy?” She asked with a slight pout. “I really think you should give it a shot.”

Young-Mi held up her phone with his contact information displayed. You stared at the screen, thinking back to what you saw earlier. Perhaps it was the refreshing heartache that prompted you to accept her offer without too much consideration.

As much as it broke you, it was time to give up your hopeless crush on Na Jaemin.

 ―・ 

“Wah, you really turned her down Hyung?” Jisung asked with a hand over his mouth.

Jaemin nodded to the younger and glanced over to Jeno who had a discreet smile on his face. While his other friends seemed to be confused by Jaemin’s actions, he was rather proud.

~ ~ ~

“I like you Sunbae. Let’s date!” Her eyes sparkled when she spoke to him. 

The polite smile he put on was almost instinctual. The one he always wore when a girl confessed to him. 

“I’m sorry Hyejin-ssi, but there’s already someone I like.” He lowered his gaze. “So I’m afraid I can’t accept your feelings.”

~ ~ ~

The slightly offended expression on her face was still clear in Jaemin’s head. She probably wasn’t used to rejection. Before, Jaemin thought he could get over you if he said yes to those other girls. But he could never fully give his heart away with you lingering in his thoughts.

This time, he decided that he needed to stop making a fool out of himself.

“Anyway, who wants to get samgyeopsal tonight?” Haechan decided to redirect the conversation. Easily persuaded, the guys were already agreeing.

“We should text (Y/n) to see if she wants to come,” Jeno mentioned, giving Jaemin a side glance.

“I think she’s going on a blind date today,” said Renjun.

Jaemin sat up. “What?! Tonight?” 

“Yeah, you know Liu Yangyang? I’m pretty sure that’s who she’s meeting.”

“Oh him? He’s pretty cool,” Chenle nodded with approval. 

Their words became a blur to Jaemin. He remembered you talking about this last week, not thinking you’d actually go through with it. 

“I have to go,” was all he said before standing up to leave. The guys called out to him, but he ignored them. 

He ran out of the commons area and stopped at the front of your dorm building. That was when he saw you looking at him with a slightly concerned expression.

“Jaemin-ah, what are you doing here?”

Grasping onto his knees as he caught his breath, he stopped to look at you. To him, you always dressed nicely. But today you were wearing a cute plaid dress over a white top, and you even put on a little makeup. 

“Don’t—go—on—that date,” He panted, pressing a hand to his chest. His lungs felt like they were about to burst.

You frowned, wondering how he found out so fast. Was that the reason he came here?

“Why?” You found yourself asking. Why did he care if you were going on a date or not? 

His eyes met yours and they held that unreadable gaze again. 

“Because you’re mine.” He said breathlessly.

Then just as you started to process that sentence, he cupped your face and crashed his lips onto yours. Your eyes were wide open from the initial shock. But he didn’t show any sign he was about to pull away anytime soon. And slowly you closed your eyes and let yourself melt into the kiss.

When he did pull away, you were left in a blubbering mess. A million thoughts were racing through your head.

“I—don’t understand. I thought you and Hyejin…?”

“I rejected her,” Jaemin answered plainly. You removed his hands from your neck, trying to make sense of this news.

“But why? I mean, she’s so pretty and smart. She has so much more to offer.”

“I was afraid before. But you’re the only girl I want to be with,” He interjected. “I’ve always liked you, Lee (Y/n). I’m sorry it took so long for me to tell you that.”

You were left speechless for the next few moments. With your heart beating faster and hot cheeks, you could almost explode. The one person you’ve spent half your life admiring was here in front of you, admitting his feelings. This had to be a dream, right?

“Na Jaemin, you better not be playing with me,” You warned.

He looked so serious, you were almost intimidated. Then his arm snaked around your waist and he whispered. “Should I kiss you again to prove I’m not kidding?”

Jaemin took the flustered silence from you as a yes. You could feel him smiling into the second kiss, unable to contain the joy of knowing he finally had you. 

***

“When did you start liking me?” You asked out of curiosity.

His response was quick. “Since the day we met. What about you?”

“Oh…I think it was at the end of middle school?” You tilted your head, thinking back to it all. “Wah, I can’t believe it took so long for us to confess.”

“Yeah, we were silly weren’t we?”

You smiled and linked arms with him. “Well, we’re together now and that’s what matters.”

“You’re right, love,” He smiled back and leaned in to peck you on the lips. 

Your little moment came to an end with Haechan’s fake gagging.

“Gosh, they haven’t even been dating for 24 hours and they’re already one of those disgustingly sweet couples.”

“It took them long enough,” Jeno added.

Of course, the guys were happy to see their friends get together. Jaemin was too. No longer would he let his or your fears come in between the two of you. Though there was no way of telling what your future would be like, Jaemin fully intended on making you happy for the rest of his life.

∘♡∘°∘♡∘°∘♡∘°∘♡∘°∘♡∘°∘♡∘°∘♡∘°∘♡∘°∘♡∘°∘♡∘°∘♡∘°∘♡∘°∘♡∘°∘♡∘°∘♡∘°∘♡∘°∘♡∘°∘♡∘

#nct dream fluff #nct dream #nct 127 #wayv #jaemin fic #jaemin oneshot #na jaemin #nana #jaemin fluff #kpop fic #best friends to lovers #jaemin #czennie #nctzen #nct dream fic

[memories-of-ancients]

this human document was written last Summer by a Japanese captain of infantry. the introduction and conclusion have been written by his American friend Seymour Gordden Link, dean of liberal arts at Andrew Jackson University in Nashville Tennessee.

When I attended Columbia University sometime ago I was fortunate enough to be one of two Occidentals admitted to intimacy with two Chinese students, Chang and Kim, and two government - fellowship scholars from Japan, Tatsuo and Mitsui. The latter's true name is not given because identification would doubtless lead to his immediate execution as a trader to his government.

We have corresponded for years. Our correspondence has dealt largely with the arts. Although Mitsui is a great mathematician, he is also a great lover of painting and poetry, of flowers and comparative linguistics. This multiple development is more frequently encountered among the Japanese intellectuals than anywhere else on earth. Most of what I have been lucky enough to absorb about the intricacies of Japanese grammar on honorifics and social usage, I owe to Mitsui. All that he knows of contemporary art and literature outside the Orient comes, he has said, from my letters. And we have exchanged mutual references to our Chinese friends Chang and Kim.

But the other morning came a letter more moving than the others, and more disturbing. While I hold it to be a thing of personal and sacred to me, I offer it in the hope that readers will profit from the small glimpse into the heart of " a thousand Mistuis" and will refrain thereby from too hasty a surrender to the drums of jingoism - S. G. L.

Tokyo, Japan

July 15, 1937

Link sensei,

Writing this I do now in great and lementable haste for the fear is that soon no letters will go out. War has no respect for the things of the heart. And here is War. And here soon one small unwilling captain of infantry will wake from a night of rest and look around to discover he no longer is honored by the friendship of his great friend and teacher in America.

For war enters into the heart where it is not welcome and makes a strange chemistry; and my American friend who once said he had a great love for one small Japanese scholar, will think only of many small captains of infantry making many unpopular battles. He will hold on to the last and say all men are brothers and that he thinks the same thoughts and loves the same poety and speaks the same languages with his former Japanese brothers. but he will remember these things better of Chang and Kim then he will remember them of Mitsui.

For Chang and Kim will be in the war on the side where the heart leans and mitsui will be on the side that the heart is turned against. And he will forget that not a thousand Mitsuis can make a war or stop a war. he will forget that Chang and Kim and Tatsuo and Mitsui and Larson and Link once walked together beneath the shade of trees of the Columbia campus and ate together at the cafeteria and read poetry together in many languages.

And what of Chang and Kim? they who once called Mitsui brother now join their countrymen and blind hate of a thousand Mitsuis. And Mitsui dare not send them a letter full of his ancient love. It would mean the firing squad.

Once upon a time, so long a time it seems, Link sensei wrote in Mitsui's book English translation of a poem, because Mitsui showed him a scroll with a painting of long green plains that led to Fuji. This is written in the heart as War approaches. it says:

All that comes to pass

Of the warriors proud dream

Is this summer grass.

Because the scroll is beautiful and because it has memories in it of the happy years in America it is now enclosed as a parting souvenir of Mitsui who will fall in battle with a bullet from Chang or from Kim and his heart. Please to someday inform these brothers that their bullet entered Mitsui's heart only to find there love and brotherhood and great sorrow.

Here is the death song of Mitsui:

These grasses that bent

Underfoot will lean as soft

Over the cleft skull.

And in the deep roots will drain Love and peace that filled the brain.

Sayonara brother.

Mitsui

I shall never see my "small unwilling captain of infantry" again. He will lead his troops into action and then with his arms at his side walk calmly into the drum fires, thinking as he dies of his Chinese friends, Chang and Kim, and perhaps, I hope, of his American friend whom he did the honor to call sensei, teacher. Thus he will pay homage at once to his ancestors, his Emperor, his friends, and his dream of peace on earth, good will to men. S.G.L.

#submission #i added the spaces in to make reading easier #originally it did not have them so of u find a spacing that flows better pls feel free to change it

[the-elf-barbarian]

*sits down at your table uninvited* and so like yeah the queer reading - yes they're both queer, this is demon/angel “hereditary enemies” second layer queer.

Aziraphale represents the Respectable Gay(TM) and Crowley, the Scary Queer(TM) no I will not elaborahahaha who am I kidding I haven't been able to stop elaborating for the past week

I'm gonna focus on how it ties into the final scene, where Aziraphale and Crowley argue about Aziraphale’s decision to return to heaven.

Aziraphale sees Crowley’s goodness and is convinced Crowley’s goodness is evidence that he should be an angel. Aziraphale is so focussed on their chance to be safe from/in Heaven (to even, potentially if he plays his cards right, make reforms) that he seems blind to the rest of each of their natures - to the parts of Crowley (and to a lesser degree, himself) that would have to be carved off to fit him into the constraints of an only slightly less restrictive model of angel.

Conversely, in suggesting Alpha Centauri, Crowley proposes cutting themselves off from the world they loved so much - from bookshops, boozy brunches, the Bentley - to be free from Heaven and Hell's interefence. But he doesn’t really propose a solution to the issue at hand - at this point, we’re aware of The Book of Life and remote memory wipes - we are aware Hell doesn’t have the resources, but are we really to believe that the closest star to earth is beyond Heaven’s reach? Fleeing guarantees isolation, nothing else. 

To take this up to allegory now:

Authors note: Please understand I say this next bit from a perspective of queerness myself

Aziraphale is a nice respectable gay. The Respectable Gay is not some scary creature - he's an angel, and love is an angelic tendency… surely he shouldn’t be in trouble just because he loves the "wrong" gender? This ties into the common refrain during the push for marriage reform “We are just like you! We just want to marry our loved ones, just like you get to!”. And, from the perspective of the recent wave of marriage reform, he is finally being invited back to the in-crowd. And he wants that so much! 

Not just because it feels nice and comfortable but because he wants to work within the system (that until so recently had treated him so poorly) because he desperately wants to do good and sees this as the way to affect change. 

Crowley is the scary queer™. He's non-binary, he cross dresses, he knows he does not fit in polite society ("unforgivable, that's what I am"). Sure, the Scary Queer protested for marriage reform, but what they need is - trans medical rights, protections for multiple primary partners, preferably the abolishment of gendered language etc etc. They don’t want to be tacked onto an updated version of the same toxic system. The whole thing is broken, from the second She created Adam and Eve (the original sin cishet monogamous couple). 

They see no way forward, the task is just too large. The best option the Scary Queer sees is separation - a classic lesbian commune in the woods Alpha Centauri.

They are both doomed to fail. 

Assimilation demands conformance - and we can never work from within the majority to shuffle the goalposts enough to avoid failing those with the most radical identity/expression. 

Separation demands giving up everything else you love in pursuit of freedom that will never truly exist. This is a longer discussion but simply by existing on Earth, we are affected by the others on earth (by, say, the effects of global warming or in seeking medical treatment for a heart attack). 

And, more to the point, it only protects those with the means to remove themselves from the society (the people who by their very definition, have the means to support others in the community) - ensuring a worse outcome for all but themselves (e.g. the next Gabriel/Beelzebub, whoever they currently are).

At a society level, their argument is that same as the one between the assimilationist "we're just the same as you!" gays vs the separatist “lesbian commune” queers. At a more personal level, it's the line we all have to draw and redraw somewhere between Safety and Freedom of Expression.

So, to sum up why episode six made me absolutely feral: I am Aziraphale and I am Crowley, and I cannot stop fighting.

#good omens #good omens 2 #good omens spoilers

[rin-and-jade]

hello. this ask will contain themes of SH and suicidal ideation. if you would like to delete it, that’s fine; please make sure you’re in the correct headspace before reading it as it is very heavy.

one of our alters has a serious problem with self-harm, though he denies that his particular methods (he forces himself to vomit when he feels anxious or “dirty”) actually count. i’ve made a deal with him that if he refrained from engaging in it for all of today, i would not tell his partner, and the same will apply for all the days forward. i didn’t want to do this, but i didn’t know how else to get him to stop. now he hasn’t done it today (though it’s still early), but he has done other things, namely holding our arm to a cup of boiling water until it burned. i called him out on it and he told me word for word “you never said no burning myself”. i tried telling him what he was doing to himself and to us. i tried using his partner as a bargaining point, telling him that forcing her to watch as he destroys himself is killing her. then i tried using his daughter, our host; i told him that he’s not only harming his own body but that of a young girl who has done nothing wrong.

i feel sorry for him, i know he is hurting incredibly badly. he has expressed suicidal feelings and self-hatred multiple times before. we do have access to a therapist BUT she is not qualified in DID and has refused to discuss it with us as she doesn’t want to do us any harm with her lack of knowledge.

he tells me that he worries, if he does not have this outlet, that the anxiety will “overtake” him and he will “lose [him]self.” he feels as if all he does is hurt people and he would be better off dead. he does not understand that he could possibly be valued or worthy of love. he consistently tells me he wishes he was dead and he wants to be killed, describing graphic ways he’s thought about ending his life, which i will spare you of. he hates to be touched and spirals if he thinks too hard about all the people who have hugged and touched us, especially if he was in front while they touched us. he feels intensely “dirty” and “corrupted” when certain people touch him, such as particular friends who have harmed us in the past, and has described this feeling to me as incredible discomfort in his skin and the need to remove himself from our body. he has confessed to having frequent panic attacks and he has severe, nearly constant anxiety, so i cannot fault him for finding a coping mechanism, but his coping mechanism is incredibly destructive.

he seems to be in denial that what he is doing is harmful, because he is already so upset by the idea of hurting others. i don’t know how to tell him that he’s causing problems without making him feel infinitely worse. however, he really is causing issues in our collective life: our teachers believe we’re bulimic, he has left visible scars, and now our body’s automatic response to fear or anxiety is to begin to gag (the same thing that sometimes happens in bulimia— the way the body gets so used to vomiting that it doesn’t know how to turn that off).

i truly don’t know what to do with him. he says he poses no danger to himself, but i believe otherwise. i really do not want to ban him from front or lock him up, and neither do i want to force someone to babysit him all day since that would be humiliating for both of them, but i don’t see any other solution. do you have advice? thank you in advance.

It took me a while to respond to your ask, but i understand your situation and i got it covered. Let me present you the graph i made:

This is how i see your situation, the circle represents a loop of habit and outcome, the external factors that point to each point in the loop is what could be the possible fuel that reinforces the current habit and outcome. These are the things you had stated on the ask and i strung them all to a possible outcome according to it, although not perfect.

What im trying to say is, if things are being kept on a loop, reducing ONE thing to a less intense experience will start to weaken the perpetual cycle, while this is not easy work and often need a person to support, it is still possible for you and other parts to support him if relying on external friends seems an impossible act.

Here are the things that you can work on with him: 1. Create a safe space - an uncomfortable area can affect the state of the mind, having some comfort items and soft textures around can be soothing when things are getting rough and triggering. 2. Actively challenge thoughts and beliefs - sometimes when things happen, we react to things immediately without even realizing how we feel, or why we react a certain way. You can start implementing on being more aware of thoughts and ask why, what, when, and how to gain more insight. 3. Reasoning behind the acts of self-mutilation and why it is perpetuated despite many unwanted results - while it is not easy to reason why we do this or do that.. it is still capable of making us weigh judgment if its really helping us, or not. 4. Learn acceptance and seeing other kinds of pov - we often believe the things we repeat on our heads are true... or are they? Being focused on one view without another view is like saying the shadow is a rectangle to a cylinder (not looking from enough angles that creates a biased judgment) if you get me. And while accepting yourself can be an intimidating thing, answer me, list all the good things that happens when you got to deny and push things away, and if there's none or with very weak reasons,, understand that this means it's not the most efficient way to deal with everything. 5. Aware that you'll never be prepared to face fears/problems - We don't have to feel ready to overcome something,, because that will be never, because we have this odd sense of comfort with existing habits and would do anything to justify. I've been there, and it caused even more pain for myself and others.. just because i don't want to lose and actually deal with real things. So one step at a time.

You got to remind that he's never alone even if he doesn't think like that, it doesn't need to be a positive thing, but a simple "i'm here for you" can sometimes mean alot to a struggling person.

Anyway.. i suggest you contact me via DMs, im willing to be another support buddy and a place where you can ask for updated need of advices without needing the skbox anymore. I'll look forward on assisting you near future. There's more stuffs i got to say anyway.

- j

#did #actually did #did community #did osdd #did system #dissociative identity disorder #plural #sysblr #system stuff #janswersask

[plastictreehugger]

First Sentences and Other Expectations

     I find that whenever I write, no matter what for, I can’t put anything on the paper unless I have a first sentence. An essay, a story, a poem, anything…my brain won’t let me continue unless I have the perfect first sentence; my mind curbs any progress; my fingers move by themselves and always seem to find their way to the Backspace key over, and over, and over, until nothing's left. Looking back, I’ve probably eradicated multiple novels’ worth of opening thoughts because they weren’t right. Some have called me a perfectionist, but I don’t care for perfect things – my hodgepodge haircut made with safety scissors and class notes with more doodles than words can attest to that. I think my problem is that I care for meaning. I don’t care if my writing isn’t flawlessly crafted – I am human after all – I just want it to mean something. I’ve come to multiple teachers with this trouble – every teacher I’ve ever had to write an essay for – and every response I’ve gotten so far has been some variation of Well, sometimes you just have to write. They all say it in that sweet tone only humanities teachers seem to muster that makes me think that maybe this time will be different, but it never is. I seem to be better at writing emails begging for extensions than I am at doing what I’ve been assigned to do. With no solutions for truly solving the problem, I am opting to try to find the root.      Maybe it was all those years of English classes that I held so dear to my heart that was the complication. Even after the zeroes and the F’s on my report cards, I still haven’t let go of my love for it. My first time reading a real novel for school in seventh grade, my excitement spilled out of me; I couldn’t contain it. Finally, I could breathe – no more sucky state-test-prep packets without substance – we were reading something real. I felt the same for my first creative writing project. Maybe that’s where the problem started, the years and years of English classes for telling me that good stories start with good hooks. They’re what make the reader want to keep reading. Now I fear that without that first sentence, nothing I write will ever be worth reading at all.      Maybe it was the first time I won an award for my writing. I won an award though I never thought I deserved one. I was in disbelief when I saw the Congratulations! sitting in my inbox – I didn’t realize that I was capable of making something that was actually... good. Even as more congratulations flooded in from my friends and family, I don’t think I ever really processed it. I thought my stories were subpar at best, nothing noteworthy. I still cringe showing them to people who ask and refrain from ever reading over them. Since then, I’ve never finished a piece of creative writing. The furthest I’ve gotten is three paragraphs. That seems to be my limit before my whole body freezes and the deletion cycle begins again. People ask me everytime award season comes around if I’m going to submit something this year. I might…depends if I can finish something, I laugh. I know I won’t – I think I’m scared of writing. Maybe I’m scared that if I write something else, everyone will realize what I knew all along – I was never good at writing.      Maybe it was my mother. My mother was so proud of me that she cried when I called her to tell her that I had actually won something for what I had written. She told me that I was a writer just like her. That moment burned a mark on my mind and never seemed to leave. I wondered if one day she’d realize that she made a mistake. She is a real writer, nothing like the facade I feel I have put on. The word writer always terrified me; her calling me one did nothing to ease my anxiety. Maybe I was scared that I’d disappoint her, that she’d realize I was never any good at writing, that I wasn’t like her after all.

     Maybe it was the stories themselves. Even this essay was one attempt of many. Many. From familial problems to the best night of my life to old regrets – no ideas stuck. I have pages of first lines that weren’t good enough; I stared at the words hoping that maybe they would rearrange themselves in an order that made sense. Everyday for the past month, I wrote a new first line until the document was ten pages long, but the blaring siren of fears filled my mind. I couldn’t shake them and replaced that document with a new one – this one. I cried with frustration more times than I can count. All I needed was the right few words, and I couldn’t understand why that seemed so impossible. Maybe I’m not capable of coming up with something good enough to be written at all.

     Or maybe it was never anything at all. All stories are just words no matter how good or bad. I placed so much weight on what I should be writing that I forgot how. Until I decided to write about what was happening to me when I tried. The alarms in my head slowly faded as I laid them on the paper. Giving them a voice seemed to quiet their neverending nagging. As each paragraph concluded, I began to realize what all those English teachers meant when they told me I just had to write. I was doing it – I was writing. The words first trickled out of me, then began to pour, then burst out of me like a dam that couldn’t contain the water anymore. As the words spilled through me, I realized that the only voice I could hear was that of the sentences I was putting down. The expectations of those around me, the longing to be meaningful, the terrifying title of writer – none of it seemed important anymore. I just had to start. I had to write the words down, not the first perfect sentence, just the words, the other words – the second and the third sentence, and then more and more. 

     Maybe all those teachers were right – sometimes you just have to write. 

#this is a legitimate essay i submitted for an english assignment

[spicy-gf-archive]

⭐️⭐️ multiple about one ship or you can choose two! your ships seem so interesting!! (also another pokepasta liker HI!!)

hello hi ^_^ hi another pokepasta liker hiii ^_^ anyways, for the first i got juice ^.^

i got recommended from an friend to check out 177.76, (you know who you are) and i got two new beloveds from it ^_^ i’ll admit i haven’t finished 177.76 since i have an bad attention span, and reading too much words hurts my brain ^^; anyways! with me being human, and juice being an literal satellite, we are perfect for each-other since we same the same chaotic energy and say a-lot of out-of-pocket shit. ^_^ we find ways to talk to each-other through technology, i would show juice some cool stuff i found and what games i play, and he would show me some random shitposts he found on the internet. and juice always refrains from making jokes that are considered hurtful with me since he knows i’m sensitive and all. unless i give him permission to, if i did then we would jokingly make fun of each-other for an hour straight XD

for the second one i got narinder ^.^

narinder was an strange fella for me, attraction-wise. like when i started playing cotl, i started out hating him with every organ i had, but at the end, he grew on me and i was in love with him! >_< i get that he is easily marry-able in the game, but i feel like he would be very distrusting towards others, and would be all bark and no bite since his crown was stolen and he became an little guy. but eventually, somehow i grew on him, and he started to warm up around me, and he became more tolerant of me :3 he likes to admit he isn’t in love and get all tsundere, but when i give him a little kissie, he always get a bit flustered. ^_^ again, it’s another opposites/grumpy and sunshine situation with me and him. but like, if i was around him, i would make him feel a little better about getting usurped by an lamb ^.^

#this is fun :3 #also thanks for the ask >_< #📝 letters #🎮 tumblr gaming #🛰️🧃 tasty treats in outer space #🥩🐈‍⬛ lovers of the apocalypse

[starr-angelofnarnia]

First Witness: Depp's Sister- Christi Dembrowski

Second objection from Heard's team (404) overruled. Regarding discussion of a person's character

Sister says his mother made fun of him having to wear an eye patch, by calling him one eye. That's heartbreaking

Mother would require them to pick a "green" switch, a brown dead one would snap too easily. Also heartbreaking

She explains that she was surprised when her father moved out because he'd lived for so long with "all of her personality". Implied abuse, but she refrains from using that term

Another objection from team Turd for hearsay. This one is sustained. Objection to a question regarding why Depp's father finally left his mother. But now I'm really curious what the last straw was.

Multiple objections for foundation, that it doesn't have adequate factual or legal basis to the case. Most of them have been sustained.

I didn't realize they were from Florida. Same same

Let's play a game of how many different ways can reword a question so that the previous objection will be overruled. Damn foundation objection again. To be fair, the questioning has less to do with Johnny and more about the reaction to his mother falling ill. But I understand how its relevant, given the death of his mother in relation to his divorce filing

I can't read his facial expression really but his head is down cast

He bought his mother a house across from his so he could ensure she was well taken care of. Despite his history with her. That's brave, imo. Would have been easier to walk away.

His child is named Jack... His most well known character is named Jack. Hmm...

He didn't want his mom to feel fear over being put in hospice care with new nurses so he hired private nurses. Again, wow.

His sister started working for him, with his agent, once her company folded. So she knows him as family and as an employer

She's basically Johnny's personal manager

I didn't know he had a production company. Apparently he does

I never considered that Pirates of the Caribbean was really his first big role. Because I've known of other roles. Earliest I know of is the titular character from What's Eating Gilbert Grape with Leonardo DiCaprio. Great film if you haven't seen it, I recommend it

In describing the relationship between Johnny and his original head of security (I think was his role), team Turd wanted the entire statement to be stricken from the record. Overruled. Why would they want to strike that? Interesting

Not sure how asking about Vanessa and Johnny's life post divorce is heresy. Seems quite relevant to me

Is it normal to have objections this frequently?

Amber's friends and sister were living in penthouses owned by Depp...were they at least paying him rent?? If not, WTF

Question answered, he did not make them pay rent. Holy hell

Bamf older sister recognizing his behavior as being the same from when he was a child

It was easier for her to recall a significant moment when Amber was mean to Johnny than how she was nice to him

"She called him an old fat man" wow name calling. Really Amber??

Idk, Amber's face just looks like, "yeah I did, and what are you going to do about it?"

Sounds like Amber was overly clingy in public.

Christi says she tried to talk her brother out of getting married so quickly and he pops a small reminiscing grin

Depp's team wanted a prenup to make sure his children were protected

Aww, Christi is emotional talking about her mother passing away. It's so sad

The day after his mother passed, he's fighting again with Amber...

So Amber filed for divorce 2 days after Johnny's mother's death and the day he left for tour. Seems like a low blow. Then 2 days later filed for a restraining order when he was out of the country...

Question about Christi's thoughts on the WP op-ed rejected for relevance. Bii, it's entirely relevant

Why does it seem like Turd's team tries to object to everything about Christi's perceptions of the article? THAT'S WHAT THIS ENTIRE COURT CASE IS ABOUT AS YOU SO OBNOXIOUSLY POINTED OUT!! DON'T GET BUTT HURT WHEN THE QUESTIONING DOESN'T SWAY IN YOUR FAVOR

Striking answers is so stupid. Everyone already heard it

Ok this is really the first court case I've ever watched so admittedly I've had to Google some stuff and I won't always know what I'm talking about. This is strictly my thoughts and reactions. But I think I'll keep doing this as long as I'm listening/watching the trial

#amber turd #fuck amber heard #johnny depp #justice for johnny depp #court hearing #Virginia court #depp vs heard

[firstumcschenectady]

“Grieving Jesus” based on 2 Samuel 1:17-27 and John 16:16-22

This week I found myself in multiple conversations about “the day the church died.” That was February 26, 2019, and the following day the Love Your Neighbor Coalition held a worship service that was a funeral for The United Methodist Church.

Now, let's assume that if I found myself in multiple conversations about this, I may have been the one bringing it up – although I'm not actually sure that's the only truth. But we can go with it. It has led me to wonder why: why, 4 ½ years later, this is coming up.

However, some of you may be lucky enough not to know what I'm talking about, and I don't like leaving people in the dark. In 1968 The United Methodist Church was born when the Methodist Church and the Evangelical United Brethren Church merged. Both churches had powerful histories with social creeds, and at the birth of the church a study commission was created to write a new set of “Social Principals” to guide the newly formed church. The study commission brought its recommendations to the 1972 General Conference. They did a nice job. They included in their recommendation, in a piece about human sexuality, "Persons of homosexual orientation are persons of sacred worth."

Now, that phrase isn't exactly a bombshell, right? I mean, DUH, "Persons of homosexual orientation are persons of sacred worth." But when I think about the Queer and Trans justice movements in the USA, the 1972 church study commission offering the words "Persons of homosexual orientation are persons of sacred worth" was a good start.

Today we're talking about grief – because the scriptures handed us those topics on a platter – and when I think about the church's failures to LGBTQIA+ people, my grief starts escalating at this point in our history. With those decent words "Persons of homosexual orientation are persons of sacred worth." on the table in front them, along with A WHOLE LOT OF other words about a WHOLE LOT of other topics, some people decided that those words were too strong and required caveats. Terrible ones. So they changed it, and eventually the 1972 Book of Discipline would read "Persons of homosexual orientation are persons of sacred worth. We do not condone the practice of homosexuality and consider it incompatible with Christian teaching.” They also added, "We do not recommend marriage between two persons of the same sex,” although I think the greater gut punch was in the first addition.

People of good faith in The United Methodist Church have been trying to remove those words ever since. While there were setbacks along the way, for a while there also seemed to be movement towards inclusion of all of God's people. The people committed to exclusion seemed to be losing the battle, until they weren't. By 2016 it was clear that the movements for inclusion had reached a series of dead-ends: General Conference was not going to change the church's stance, the Judicial Council was going to uphold it, the Bishops en mass were not going to stand against it, and the capacity to fight things on localized levels was extremely limited. Based work in the first week of General Conference, it was clear that The UMC was about to enact a series of changes that would decimate its LGBTQIA+ community, one that was already experiencing a spiritual and literal bloodbath.

Good students of nonviolent social action know that when all the other avenues are closed to you, you raise the temperature in the room, in hopes of motivating change. Good students of nonviolent social action were in that room, organizing. The United Methodist Church was about to face two horrible options: mass arrests of nonviolent protesters, or protesters shutting down the floor of General Conference preventing their work from being completed. (I'm so thankful for good organizers, aren't you?)

The Church choose a third option. They created another study commission (I'm barely refraining from extensive commentary on study commissions and the church) “The Commission on a Way Forward” that was to bring to a SPECIAL SESSION of General Conference – 2019 – a way forward that would …. well, let's be honest... they wanted a way forward that would keep Queer and Trans people and their allies form making the church look bad while appeasing the conservatives. But, at that point, ANYTHING looked better than where we were headed, and forcing some new thinking on the topic felt like a victory.

When 2019 came the “Way Forward Commission” put forward a very milquetoast proposal “The One Church Plan”, the Queer Clergy Caucus put forward a truly excellent proposal called “The Simple Plan,” and the conservatives put forward a scare tactic they called “The Traditional Plan.” Confession time: I didn't think the Simple Plan (which was hands down the best plan) could win, so I put my energy on to passing The One Church Plan which was a horrible compromise that I justified as being a step forward we could pass. Turns out I was wrong all over the place, and we couldn't pass it – AND the support for the Simple Plan was almost exactly as high as The One Church Plan. Turns out, the votes went to The Traditional Plan which was simply so horrendous it didn't seem possible it could ever happen. It felt like a caricature of itself, like what a satire magazine would produce as a conservative think-piece.

When it passed, the denomination lost any remaining integrity, and any claim on Godliness. As a clergy person I have made commitments not only to God but also to THIS denomination. I'd experienced the Divine through the UMC, I loved it, I wanted to make it better, and I wanted to work in it to make the world the kindom of God. On that day, I no longer saw a connection between God and the church.

Now, it always needs to be said, I wasn't the primary one harmed by The Traditional Plan. It set out to harm Queer and Trans people, and it did. Any damage to me, and others who know a God Who Celebrates Diversity, was mere icing on the cake. And yet, to be in a denomination that does harm like that ON PURPOSE, wrecked me. It was some of the strongest grief I've ever experienced.

And maybe this week proved, it still is. The unfortunate reality is that while many of us were grieving The United Methodist Church, things were also really hard around here in this local church, and things were pretty bad in the USA and sometimes the world, and the grief probably didn't get the time or space it needed. And then there was COVID, and the time to grieve simply dissipated. That's actually my working theory on why this is coming up again – the grip of COVID has finally lowered enough that there is space for the stuff we were working on before it started.

You've heard me reflect on a really non-traditional grief so far today. We most often think of grief as relating to the loss of a person, and I think we make the most space for that kind of grief. But we miss a lot when we limit it that way. The Dictionary of Pastoral Care and Counseling says grief is “The complex interaction of affective, cognitive, physiological, and behavioral responses to the loss by any means of a person, place, thing, activity, status, bodily organ, etc., with whom (or which) a person has identified, who (or which) has become a significant part of an individual's own self.”1 (emphasis mine)

So to keep going with this truly uplifting sermon ;) I want to talk about some significant communal grief that I have seen in our community. It may be that some of us don't feel some of these, but I think all of them are in us together. And, because I think there is some power in it, we're going to try this as a liturgy, after I say each piece, I invite you to respond, “Holy One, help us hold our grief.”

For the ones we have known, and loved, and lost - Holy One, help us hold our grief.

For the ones we thought we had time to get to know and love – and lost - Holy One, help us hold our grief.

For the church that we thought would become open to people of all ages, nations, races, genders, and sexualities - Holy One, help us hold our grief.

For the community that we hoped would welcome vulnerable immigrants with open arms - - Holy One, help us hold our grief.

For the nation that we thought would prioritize the vulnerable - Holy One, help us hold our grief.

For the world that we thought would work more on climate change than on enriching the already rich - Holy One, help us hold our grief.

For this local church that we hoped could be free from the anxiety in each of us and around all of us - Holy One, help us hold our grief.

For the people and places we trusted, who ended up having different values that we do, and it felt like betrayal - Holy One, help us hold our grief.

For who we thought we'd be, but we aren't - Holy One, help us hold our grief.

Amen

If we take that definition of grief seriously, then grief is the response to the loss of something a person identifies with. It is a loss of a part of ourselves. In some of what we said above, I think it is the loss of hope. That's a really serious loss, one that may characterize our age.

The work of grief is the slow work of creating new identity in a new reality. Where one might have identified as a spouse, one now has to figure out what it means to be a widow or widower. Where one might have identified with a strength, now there is a need to identify with a weakness. Where one might have chosen hope, one now there is a need to identify with the experience of hopelessness.

It is clear why grief takes a while, and why the more strongly one identifies with someone or something, the longer it takes to form a new identity, and why one might not want to!

I'm really struck in the gospel by the idea that the disciples started grieving the eventual loss of Jesus while he was still with them. I'm annoyed by it. I want it to be untrue. But I think that probably was the case. The disciples probably could see where Jesus's ministry was heading, and while they may have been in denial about it, it was still there pressing on them. Even during the life and ministry of Jesus there was grief pushing around the edges that they were going to lose him. I can't think of much more of a human reality than that one.

The reading from 2 Samuel is almost too much to hold. The depth of David's grief feels so vulnerable that my instinct is to look away because I don't know him well enough to be privy to it. That said, it is written in Bible, and you might not have heard it, so let me summarize. David is grieving Saul who was his king and adversary (#complicated) and Saul's son Jonathan who was at least his best friend and probably lover (#alsocomplicated).

Don't go around sharing that the mighty have fallen -

I don't want our enemies to rejoice at this heartbreak.

Let those who failed to support Saul struggle, as payback.

Saul and Jonathan weren't weak, don't say they were weak, they brought others down with them.

They were together in life, and they are together in death.

Women, weep - these were the ones who took care of you.

My love has been killed, and I grieve.

He was my delight, his love gave me life.

The mighty have fallen, and I grieve.

My word for you today is an odd one. Traditionally speaking, I should turn this sermon around and end on an up-note, but that feels trite. I can say that the things we grieve are most commonly things we loved, and the grief is a reflection of that love. That's good. But really, my point today is this: grief is imperative and hard work. There is no way through it except through it. It doesn't go away because we don't like it, or we deny it, or we can't handle it. Like many things based in our bodies or emotions, either we make space to grieve or grieve will make space in us to come out – usually in ways we'll hate.

And yet, God is with us. God is with us, holding us when we grieve. We are not alone, even when we feel the most alone. We are not lost to God, even when we don't know who we are anymore. For me, that's good news. In fact, it is enough. Thanks be to God who holds us when we grieve. Amen

1Rodney J. Hunter, general editor, Dictionary of Pastoral Care and Counseling (Abington Press: Nashville, 1990), page 472.

Rev. Sara E. Baron  First United Methodist Church of Schenectady  603 State St. Schenectady, NY 12305  Pronouns: she/her/hers  http://fumcschenectady.org/  https://www.facebook.com/FUMCSchenectady

September 24, 2023

#thinking church #progressive christianity #rev sara e baron #fumc schenectady #schenectady #umc #sorry about the umc #first umc schenectady #Grief #GC2019 #Simple Plan #The Day the Church Died

[tenunderwater]

I started reading a book called "This is how you lose the time war". The characters in the book are time agents of opposing factions that start writing letters to each other. I know they end up falling in love and I know this book is going to break my heart but right now it's so lovely.

It's so beautifully written and I think you should read it too. It's funny at the end of the book there is s section on book club discussions. Maybe you can suggest this book for your club.

Anyways, today was a good day. We went to get breakfast, then to Michaels, then we went to Joann's (did you know someone wrote a fanfiction about the love affair between Michael's and Joann's) then we went to out of the closet to drop off some donations. Then we went to Barnes and Nobles (I started thinking that it would have been nice to run into you there) then we went to GameStop, then we went to get ice cream. We got home and watched the game. I read my new book.

Its funny I'm thinking about how I felt during the game. Usually my anxiety is through the roof and I have to take multiple anxiety breaks to watch the game. But today it felt good. Maybe it's because I was reading, or my medication, or because this years team is actually good.

K was at her family's house this weekend celebrating her nieces birthday. Idk why that's important information to you but there's a larger narrative here and I think the background information gives context. I refrained from texting her first throughout her visit. I didn't want to be annoying. I get this way sometimes, specially with new people. I want to talk to them all the time but I don't want to be annoying and overwhelm them. So I wait for them to text me first. And she did. Every time. Idk maybe I do that because of my fear of rejection. I don't want to seem too eager to talk to someone because there is a huge chance they will not return the same level of eagerness. Idk I just want to be wanted in the same capacity and magnitude as I want to want someone.

Anyways, I looked in the mirror today and I liked who I saw.

[kunstmull]

Datenshi

OK I am now completely sucked in to Buck Tick.

I just typed this out somewhere else, but I'm going to preserve it here as I have a habit of deleting posts in that forum because that artist has Prior in terms of mining my words... I'm uncovering deeper and deeper layers to the obsession. I hope no one minds if I document it here, but it's relevant to a ton of other stuff...

Because this is partly about the importance of hermeneutics and uncovering multiple layers of meaning and context to songs and to lyrics. How the entire meanings of songs can change.

So this is about Datenshi (Fallen Angel) a nice glam-stomper of a song, which appeared to be about... well, yet another song about angel-f*cking. The fact that BT have more than one song about angel-f*cking tells you something about why I'm becoming obsessed with this band - so far it seems most of their songs circle around a cluster of themes:

-sex -angels -astronomy -haha I'm a madman

Wow this got long, sorry, click if you want to read my usual insanity on my usual obsessions...

Anyway, Datenshi (Possibly a more literal rather than poetic translation here)

I was actually looking for an explanation for why so much angel-f*cking when I found this interview. (And the date - February 2020 is so heartbreaking - Sakurai explaining why 2019 was so dire for him, and hopefully proclaiming that 2020 will definitely be better - but like foreshadowing in a horror movie, we all know what happens next)

https://jrockarchiv.es/translations/interviews-articles/2019-06-buck-tick-oth-datenshi-ariola/

That the fallen angel - the Blue Angel - is actually a part of Sakurai, who has been wrestling with what he describes as hikikomori: I know this term from neurodivergence discourse, the state of total withdrawal that results from social anxiety, burnout, depression, using addiction (or escapism as a form of addiction) to blot out a too-painful world. That it sounds like he had been wrestling with existential agony, grief and urges towards self harm.

That the "I'm falling, aren't I?" refrain is presented in the song as falling into the hell of desire - but the desire is actually for bodily self-destruction. Like, it's an almost sexual desire, to be in love with your own negation, so seductive if you are that-way ideated. (Which I have been at many points in my life. It's a constant thread I'm never fully free of, even when happy.) But the song is a way of embracing it and turning it into something creative, even beautiful.

But I'm finding it so strange that the same metaphor he uses (of falling in a spiritual or "downfall" sense) is the same one I was feeling when coming *out* of social withdrawal and depression - that the same sensation of letting go and falling into an abyss (of obsession with a new, enticing Special Interest) was what I felt redeemed me, brought me back to life?

Reminded of that old saying: "If you do bring forth what is within you, then what is within you will redeem you. But if you do not bring forth what is within you, what is within you will destroy you."

It makes me wonder what all those other angels in the other songs are, really. It's becoming clearer that the monsters - the vampires, the incubi, the madmen, the SS officers - are parts of Sakurai he's trying to come to terms with. Is the mad angel in the ruins of Zangai that he plunges into "deeper and deeper" (while swearing it's the last time) this same blue angel of his own desire for self-immolation?

(On my other big personal obsession, I do notice that the grief for this friend that plunged him into existential questioning - this appears to be the friend he refers to in the interview from 2018, way back at the beginning of this obsession. The person who introduced him to Japanese expressions of gender queerness - "men, but with women's souls" as both he and they put it. Which Sakurai seemed to be coming to terms with and embracing, when they died. It is terrible to lose a friend; it's even more devastating to lose a friend who was providing you with a door to a hidden part of yourself. But that is almost entirely me projecting!)

Congratulations if you go this far. I'll shut up now. Please BE KIND to a newbie if this post escapes my own personal circle and travels to a wider audience.

#I'm kind of scared at getting into another Capital-F Fandom ever again at this point in my life #especially a fandom that mostly takes place in a language I don't speak #so I'm not going to tag this #please BE KIND to a newbie if this escapes my own personal circle and travels to a wider audience #Youtube

[keicordelle]

Forced Vacation, Ch. 3

Fandom: FFXIV Rating: E Pairing: Estimeric Word Count: 7.4k Tags: Established Relationship, Dom/sub, Dom!Estinien, sub!Aymeric, Caretaking, Foreplay, Porn What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Explicit Sexual Content, Explicit Consent, Teasing, Free Use, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Multiple Orgasms, Oral Sex, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Butt Plugs, Creampie, Rough Sex, Comeplay, POV First Person, POV Aymeric de Borel

Summary: It seemed as though have the job of the Lord Speaker was signing off on contracts, an ever-growing pile of paperwork requiring Aymeric to work long into the night to keep up with the rapidly evolving state of Ishgard's new republic - a task that was made especially difficult when a certain white-haired imp had his tongue in Aymeric's ear, utterly determined to distract him from his work.

It was only the next morning that Aymeric discovered precisely why Estinien had been so set on pulling his focus from the contracts he'd been signing. ’I, Ser Aymeric de Borel, do agree to refrain from work of any sort between this fifth day of the fourth umbral moon until the eighth day of this same month, during which time I agree to submit to the whims of one Estinien Varlineau and follow his every order.’ And there, at the bottom, was his flourishing signature, a touch distorted from his distraction but undeniably his.

This was certain to be an interesting three days, to say the least.

-

Estinien’s mouth crushed against my own, his tongue demanding as it forced its way inside to plunder my mouth and lay claim to all in its reach. His hands slid up my body, thumb flicking across my nipple to set my back arching. His skin was hot on mine, his leg between my thighs brushing against my groin with every shift of his weight, and I couldn’t help the desperate little moan that escaped me. He broke the kiss, moving to tongue at my ear instead, so when he spoke, the words curled like smoke straight to my core. "Do as I say today, Aymeric, and perhaps I shall reward you."

I groaned, and the hands were real, caressing my skin with feathered touches, the heavy weight of a body on mine drawing me from the decadent realm of dreams to an even more pleasant reality. "Look who's finally awake," Estinien purred into my ear. "Are you ready to indulge my every whim today?" His hand drifted down my chest and stomach to tease at the edge of my smallclothes, and I answered with a noise caught somewhere between an affirmation and a moan. "Good," he said and drew back. "Then you'd best get started. To the bath with you, and I'll be watching to make sure you wash yourself thoroughly."

I flushed as he stood. It was one thing to bathe with him, even to have him wash my body, but for him to simply watch me as I bathed, attentive and critical in his vigilance... "Finally decided to take advantage of your contract, have you?" I said to distract myself from the rush of heat that flooded me.

"Mm. Full advantage," he agreed. "Now come. I expect my orders to be followed promptly."

Feeling a touch like I was undergoing inspection back in my early days with the Temple Knights, I followed him into the bathing room, where the water was already drawn and waiting for me. He propped himself against on the lip of the tub to watch as I sank into its warmth, which eased my self-consciousness just a hair as I scrubbed at myself. "Be sure to spend extra time on your ass," he instructed. "As I intend to make ample use of it today."

-

Read the rest on Ao3!

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#ffxiv #estimeric #estinien wyrmblood #aymeric de borel #ffxiv smut #ffxiv fanfiction #my writing #steel and crystal #I think this remains the raunchiest thing I've written to date #~K

[silcos-zaunite]

Tally Marks, Part 2 | Silco

Pairing: Jealous!Silco x Reader

Word count: 3.9k words

Warnings: Some sexual acts, teasing, and all that sexual tension goodness.

Summary: Nursing your rejection at The Last Drop, your distraction came in the form of Khalin, a bakery-shop owner. However, your actions prove to be… less than favored by the Eye of Zaun.

Notes: I hadn’t noticed at first but after reading over it, I realized that this part could be read on its own without reading the first part. If you choose to do so is up to you! I’m a little rusty when it comes to writing, so please let me know any constructive criticisms or thoughts you may have. Thank you :) Also, some descriptions may have been changed compared to the show, but only in a minor way. Hope you still enjoy! Excuse any grammar mistakes.

Part 1

———

A couple nights later was your day off, and a chance to nurse the icy cold feel of rejection that stung in your veins. An enforcer; nothing more, nothing less, you thought bitterly as you swirled the drink you were holding in its glass.

Since then, you had strictly behaved professionally whenever around Silc— your boss. God, was it hard though. To refrain the second glances you stole, the light touches you dared yourself to take. All of it. You don’t know when exactly you had let yourself fall for him - never a wise choice on your part, admittedly - but it had happened. Somewhere between the light chuckles you shared, or the way he looked at you with his mismatched eyes; one the color of a defiant storm that never seemed to rest, and other a pool of embers that cooled and set you ablaze at the same time, tantalizing and daring you to take a dip inside.

You shook your head in a futile effort to rattle the thoughts out of your head, but it was no use. There was no cure for the way he plagued your mind. With that revelation, you downed your drink and sauntered your way over to the bar to order another. You were in The Last Drop, telling yourself that the only reason you were in this bar out of all the others that resided in Zaun was for the free booze - perks of working for the Kingpin - and the charming atmosphere. The alluring dress you were wearing was just in an effort to enchant any man that bared even a semblance of attractiveness to your bed. Definitely not in the rare case a certain someone would notice you in it.

Admittedly it was one of your favorites, albeit on the more promiscuous side than what you usually go for, but a favorite nonetheless. And it was working wonders as you felt multiple eyes on you as you approached the bar.

Chuck looked up at you as you did so, his eyes immediately tracing the delectable curves the black mini dress gave you as it enwrapped your figure so well. The plunging cowl-neck doing more than simply tease at what lay beneath the fabric. His eyes darkened as he took you all in, but you paid it no mind. “So, what’ll it be?” He asked, his voice low and husky.

Your red tainted lips spared a sweet, enticing smile at him. “The strongest of whatever you got.” You remarked, and immediately he got to work.

“I’ll have whatever she’s having.” You heard a voice emerge, followed by a warm hand placed on the small of your back.

Your head turned to see who had so graciously invaded your comfort zone, and was comfortably happy with what you saw staring back at you. A pair of river green eyes and a mane of black hair with tattoos and scars that littered his muscular body. You internally shrugged. You could do worse, you thought.

You plastered the most seductive look you could muster on your face, “I wasn’t looking for company, but I guess you’ll do.” You teased, earning a charming grin in return.

As the night progressed, you learnt that his name was Khalin and that he owned his own bakery. Past that, the details seemed to blur as he bought you more and more drinks, but you weren’t complaining. You had moved from the bar to a booth, situated a little further back from the sea of grinding bodies and the harsh haze of shimmer that seemed to plague the air.

His hand was dangerously high on your thigh, tracing drunken, lazy circles as his face remained a mere breath away from yours. You tried to ignore the way his touched sizzled like poison against your skin, fighting the urge to swat him away as his eyes lacked the molten stare of the one man that seemed to constantly infiltrate your mind. But you persisted, hoping at some point he would find his lips of better use on you rather than talking; help you forget your own name on your tongue, yet he seemed to lack the dominance for it causing you to internally sigh.

You realized you had been dazing off from the conversation - although he seemed too drunk to notice - and swiftly tried to tune back in. “—looking to get a place in Piltover. Maybe I could bring you along with me.” Ah, the sweet nothings and empty promises of a drunken man. You couldn’t count the amount of times a fling had promised you the wonders of the world. It truly amused you at this point.

You cocked an eyebrow. “And leave the undeniable charm of the Undercity for Topside?” You giggled, though your words held truth to them. As rough and broken as Zaun was, it was your home and you fit into it like a glove. You had made your place here, and you wouldn’t sacrifice it for anything or anyone.

“Got something holding you here?” He asked, holding a knowing glint in his eye like he knew a secret of yours that you weren’t even aware you had. “Maybe someone?” He continued.

You ignored the implication, letting out a fake laugh that you had conjured up for the umpteenth time that night, before raising your hand to caress the side of his face. Tracing the bottom of his lip with your thumb, before gently tugging it down making his eyes darken, entranced by your every movement. You internally laughed at the predictability of the man, before sparing him a heated, seductive glance and leaning in so that your lips almost brushed his ear as you spoke.

“Would I really be sat here right now, if I had someone holding me down?” You whispered, your tongue tracing the lobe of his ear before your lips placed small, tantalizing kisses along the side of his neck. His eyes briefly shut at your actions, a soft groan emitting from his lips.

It was at this point that you felt eyes burn into you. Scorching you from the inside out, causing your skin to set ablaze. You looked up and around you, eyebrows furrowed as you tried to pinpoint what caused such a feeling to stir. Your eyes darted through the crowd of the club, but no one had seemed even remotely interested in what you were doing, too wrapped up in chasing their own bliss and highs to be concerned for yours. You averted your gaze to the second level, if you could even call it that. The second level was accessible to no one but Silco, those he trusted within his enterprise, and those who he invited up there. The only room that resided on the second level was his office, accessible via a single set of stairs that was guarded by a burly man of significant size. Someone no one - unless they were completely idiotic - would attempt to challenge or cross. Even though his door was the only one that could be entered on that level, a railed platform still travelled the outskirt of the club so that a couple of Silco’s lackeys could oversee the club from above. You didn’t know if it was simply your drunken mind that was currently sabotaging your eyesight, but you were sure that there was no one gazing in your direction. You continued looking for a single moment longer, but when your efforts proved less than fruitful, you internally shrugged and placed your attention back on the man in the palm of your hands.

He didn’t seem to notice your moment of distraction or if he had, he didn’t mention it. Instead, his dark eyes gazed deep inside yours, his lips remaining parted as he wet them. “You seem like someone trying to forget.” He said. Ah, so he could see through you, it seems. Maybe you didn’t give him enough credit.

You didn’t answer right away, simply smirking at him as your hands moved from his cheek and down his chest. Moving slowly, tracing the curvature of his muscles that seemed to come through even from beneath his shirt. “Maybe I am, but strangely enough…” You began, leaning in to trace your tongue against his neck as your hands moved further down to cup and palm him, feeling him harden against you. You chuckled as you continued, “I don’t think you care.” You whispered as he stifled a groan.

“Y/N!” You heard a familiar voice yell, causing the both of you to jump as your attention went straight to the person that called for you. Sevika. “Boss wants to see you.” She said plainly, her arms crossed.

A flash of annoyance sparked in you as your eyebrows furrowed in confusion. What could he want now? You thought to yourself. “It’s my day off. And I’m busy.” You spoke back resistantly. Probably not the wisest choice, considering when Silco called for anyone, they came, no questions asked. However, with the alcohol running in your veins, you were feeling a little defiant.

“It wasn’t a request.” Was her response.

You huffed, finally admitting surrender. It was no use continuing your defiance, especially against Sevika. She would’ve carried you out of here if she had to, and you wanted to save yourself from further embarrassment.

So, up you stood to follow Sevika along, ignoring Khalin’s calls after you. The closer you got to Silco’s office, the more anticipation coursed through your veins like a tidal wave. The constant thought of what he could want from you racing through your mind. Did he think you had become a liability and finally wanted to cast you out, had he called you to ridicule you further under the pretense of calm and collected words, or was it simply just another job he wanted to give you? You had blanked out at this point with the amount of thoughts that assaulted your mind. So much so, you hadn’t even realized you were stood in front of his office door with Sevika no where to be found. Had you really maneuvered through the club, walked past the guard to make your way up the stairs and walk along the railed platform to his office door all in a haze? How long were you stood out there? You asked yourself. Long enough, you supposed.

You closed your eyes, taking a deep breath, grasping desperately inside of you for even a slither of courage to open the door in front you. Well, can’t stand out here forever, you thought. Although you wished you could, however Silco’s patience had a limit and you were in no position to begin pushing those limits. You sighed to yourself, finally gaining the courage to knock on the door and letting yourself in upon his command to do so.

You willed yourself to keep your head up and look him in the eyes as you entered. However, the minute his eyes landed on yours, you were met with a fiery stare, catching a flash of an emotion you couldn’t quite decipher as he took you in, disappearing as quickly as it had came. He sat behind his desk with a comfort you wished you had in that moment, but this was his territory you were stepping into, so it was expected. And he sure treated it as such. You felt like a lamb awaiting slaughter and although the clothes you wore left very little to the imagination, the way his eyes scoured you made you feel even more naked under his gaze. You had averted your eyes at that point, opting to look at the window that sat behind his desk instead. Good enough, you thought.

“You called for me?” It came out more like a question than a statement, and you strained to keep your eyes on the window behind him. From your peripheral vision, you could see him sat comfortably in his big office chair, slightly leaning over his desk as he watched you like a hawk, a glass of whiskey grazing his lips.

“Hmm.” Was your only response from him, accompanied by an icy stare that held a cold fire behind them. You cocked an eyebrow at him, but said nothing back, simply waiting as he slowly walked towards you, circling around you once. The feeling of his eyes on you burned you from the inside out, spreading through you like an intoxicating infection you couldn’t get enough of. It seared right through you, and you briefly wondered how you were able to keep standing as you felt your knees willing to buckle underneath you. Then, a thought crossed your mind. The feeling was reminiscent of the stare you felt as you… spoke with Khalin downstairs. Was he the one staring at you? You asked yourself.

He came to a stop beside you, casually leaning on a side table that was placed on the right side of his office, paired with two arm chairs. He would have looked relaxed to the average Zaunite that didn’t know him well enough to notice the slight clench of his knuckles as he gripped the table a little too hard. The way he breathed slightly faster than normal, almost indecipherable to anyone else’s eyes except yours. And that foreign look in his eyes that you had never seen before; a look he tried to hide behind a mask of indifference.

You both stayed silent for a while longer, before he finally spoke up. “I wonder. Are you enjoying your day off, Y/N?” His voice had a cold twinge to his words, yet you acted as though you hadn’t noticed at all. What was up with him? You wondered.

You pursed your lips, annoyance taking over your features as you replied, “I was, until I was interrupted.” His eyes narrowed at your words.

“Watch your tone.” He began, his eyes never leaving yours as he took a swig from his drink, settling it behind him when he was done. “You’re behaving recklessly and I cannot afford your foolish behavior to compromise the work we’ve put in tirelessly. Your actions impact us all.” He asserted, his tone firm and harsh, with an underling emotion of something poisonous.

Your anger spread through you quickly at the insinuation. Your fear immediately simmering to nothingness as you stood to face him head on, eyes narrowed and fists clenched. “The key word there is ‘we’, Silco. I’ve put my blood, sweat and tears into this enterprise, just as much as Sevika and you. After all these years, I thought I had at least earned your trust, if nothing else.” You rebutted, a fury that ignited in your very core that caused you to almost forget who exactly you were talking to.

“Remember your place, Y/N.” He said firmly.

You scoffed at him. A brazen move, you knew but in this moment, you lacked enough care to withhold it. “Apparently you can’t trust me enough to be your enforcer. Too afraid that i’ll reveal all your dirty secrets to Khalin - a bakery-shop owner, of all people. So where does that leave me?” You snarled out. You couldn’t really believe it. All the work you had put in, the men you had killed, the missions you had carried out on his command, all in order to build his enterprise. Did it all amount to nothing? Had you not at least earned a slither of his trust? He had never questioned Sevika - admittedly she had been by his side longer, sure, but not by much - so what had you done to deserve such scrutiny? Your frustration almost blinded you, and without thinking you stepped closer to him so that you were only a breath away and stared up at him. You hoped your eyes were as searing as his were as he stared right back at you. “Oh yes, a whore-for-hire.” You finished, spitting the words out like venom on your tongue.

He paused before replying. His first mistake. “Perhaps if you didn’t conduct yourself as one, we wouldn’t be having this discussion.” Your eyes narrowed even further at him. He tried to say such words plainly, but in that moment you had finally managed to decipher that look that had been flashing in his eyes. His second mistake. The audacity, you thought to yourself.

You laughed as the realization settled inside you. “Ah, so that’s what this is really about. You’re not afraid that I’ll compromise your empire; you’re jealous.” You stated incredulously. You stepped a couple spaces away, running a hand through your hair in frustration as you did so. “So what, I’m too undesirable for you but I’m prohibited to be with anyone else. Is that what this is?” You asked, disbelief clear in your voice.

The room stilled. You didn’t know what specifically you had said that had caused it but in that moment, the air felt almost too thick to breath as it caught in your throat. You could see his eyes darken at you, flashes of emotions firing through them so quickly, you weren’t able to decipher them. It was truly in that moment you understood what it felt like to be prey under a predators gaze. To know you were completely powerless and under his mercy, as he stalked slowly towards you.

It was in that moment that your fight or flight came into full drive and you instinctively rushed for the door, Silco close behind you. You had managed to open the door ever so slightly but even so, it was futile as his hand slammed it back shut. You spun back around, your back firmly pressed against the door as your breathing quickened, even more so as Silco raised both his arms so that they rested on either side of your head. It forced you to look deep into his contrasting eyes, and there you had managed to decipher another emotion from his gaze: need.

“Undesirable?” He almost growled out. “It’s taking all the strength I have to not bend you over my desk and fuck you until the only word that passes your lips is you screaming my name. Loud enough for all of Zaun to hear; for Khalin to hear.” He had said his name like it was rancid on his tongue; like it had disgusted him to even utter his name. You felt all the heat you had within you pool between your legs, managing to just about stifle the whine that had began to rise from your throat as images of Silco tirelessly railing into you as you were bent over his desk, moaning out his name over and over again, almost in an endless payer as you quivered beneath him flashed through your mind.

It had taken all you had to push it from your brain so you could focus on the conversation at hand. He was doing too much to you. Only days ago, he had practically tossed you aside, shutting down any hopes of you becoming more to him than his second-in-command and yet now, he stood pressed against you, a battle of yearning and resistance clear in his eyes.

You sighed. “What are you doing to me, Silco. You’re hot and cold; you don’t want me, then you want me. Is this solely because of Khalin? Because if so, then I have no interest in playing your mind games. You can spare me that at least.” You whispered defeatedly, your eyes silently begging him to cease playing puppeteer with your heart so carelessly.

He shut his eyes briefly, as if attempting to compose himself before he spoke once more. “You’ve plagued my mind since the moment you joined at my side. It is you that has unconsciously played mind games with me, darling.” He admitted, his voice a stark contrast to the way he had growled at you only moments before.

He released a slow breath, lowering his arms from either side of your head before walking back slowly to his desk. This time, it was his back that faced you as his hands leaned on the desk, his head lowered as if deep in thought.

You gave it a moment before you broke the silence. “… So, what you said that night after the meeting with the Chembarons. It was all for show.” Your voice had barely been above a whisper. He remained silent. An occurrence that rarely happened, if ever. “There’s something you’re not saying. Spit it out.” It felt foreign on your tongue to make an order to your boss, but what other choice did you have? You would deal with the repercussions later. For now, you needed answers.

He stood up straighter, turning his head to look at you through his peripheral vision. Yet he made no effort to turn and face you once more. “I’ve made many sacrifices in order to achieve what we have now. One of them being that becoming… enamored with someone would ultimately mean their death. I’ve already placed a target on Jinx’s back, I cannot afford to put another on yours.” He uttered, his voice void of emotion, yet his words still held the weight of them.

“A target is already on my back, just as much as it’s on Sevika’s and Jinx’s. That’s something you can’t change, no matter how hard you try and push me away.” Your voice was raised this time. Firmer. Stronger.

Silence greeted you once more, however this time it solely contributed to annoying you. “I’m not usually one for ultimatums, but life in Zaun tends to run rather short. You can either claim me as yours, or—“

“Or let you run away to that rodent.” He had cut you off, almost snarling the sentence out as he finally turned to face you, his eyes darkening once more.

“Well, at least that rodent knows what he wants.” You spat back at him.

You whipped around and slammed the door open, rushing out of his office as anger drove you to get as far away from Silco as possible. But of course, it seemed the gods had different plans for you or rather, Silco had different plans for you.

You didn’t get very far before you felt his hand wrap around your arm and twist you so that you pressed firmly into the railing. The pressure had caused you to bend over the railing slightly, your backside flush against his hips as he rolled them into you, allowing you to feel almost their entirety of his hard length. You could already feel the heat return between your legs, a growing wetness gathering there as his hand found a fistful of your hair, tugging it backwards slightly. Your eyes rolled backwards in pure bliss as a moan escaped your lips.

It was almost too much for you. The feel of him pressed against you so deliciously as he bent you over the railing, exposed to anyone who dared to flicker their eyes above. He tugged your head back even further, his lips brushing against your ear as he spoke.

“You’re mine, Y/N.” He growled out. “And I’ll make certain that everyone knows it too.”

#ask #anon #my writing #silco x reader #silco x you #jealous!silco #jealous!silco x reader #jealous!silco x you #silco #arcane #arcane fanfic #reader insert #x reader #hope you like it!