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kindrednerdspirit · 3 years

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Sometimes a Thing Feels so Right: Part 5

Excerpt: A slow smile spreads across Izzie’s face. “This time, I’m ready to broadcast our business.” “Oh yeah?” Casey murmurs. “Pretty sure we’ve already done that.” The curve of Izzie’s lips makes it hard for Casey to think about anything else, so she inches closer until their foreheads touch. The two giggle as they re-live the forehead promise from their not-so-distant past. To draw out the moment, Casey gently rocks her temples against Izzie’s, enjoying how tantalizingly close their lips are.

One Block Later. The Library.

When Izzie walks into the library for the student council meeting, she’s pleased to see Mel is early, too.

Mel looks up from her notebook. “Hey. I know we already have the safe space posters printed and ready to hang up, but I have some ideas for future designs. And ideas for other ways we can make Clayton Prep an LGBTQ+ friendly place.”

“Great! Hold that thought.” Izzie quickly texts Jason to check up on him.

Hi Jase. Did mum help you and Alysha get ready for school?

The two girls jump into it. They’re about 15 minutes into their work when Harmony and Scarlet show up.

“Wow, you’re early!” Scarlet exclaims, looking at the girls. Izzie shrugs and keeps working. Scarlet scrutinizes her as she makes her way over to the table. Her eyes burn into Izzie, making it hard for her to concentrate.

“What?” She asks, her voice a bit too sharp.

“Your energy feels different, that’s all.” Scarlet ignores Izzie’s tone, continuing her visual inspection. “Did you hear anything else from Brad?”

The pen in Izzie’s hand stops in its tracks. The last people she wants to hear about are Brad or Nate or some other guy she cannot care less about. In the past, she’s repeatedly made this clear, but these two are relentless. Izzie sighs, because she knows It’s time to go public. Before she can change her mind, she looks directly at Harmony and Scarlet and straightens her back, so she’s not slouching in her chair. “You know that I think Nate and Brad are assholes and I’m tired of repeating myself… so, I’m hoping you’ll listen to this--I’m gay.”

Harmony’s eyes widen and repeatedly blink. Scarlet doesn’t look much different than Harmony, but she’s able to form some words.

“Oh, shit, Izzie. I--we didn’t know.” A long silence fills the library. “Sorry.”

To her right, Mel shifts in her seat, but despite everything, Izzie feels fine. Actually, she feels an odd sense of relief. She realizes she rarely sees Scarlet uncomfortable, so she decides to enjoy the moment.

“Damn, you two, nobody died. I like girls, it’s cool.” Izzie looks over at Mel and the two burst out laughing. “We have to go ladies, but no hard feelings. Really.”

The two girls take their LGBTQ+ posters and leave, so they can start hanging them up in the hallways. Meanwhile, Harmony and Scarlet find themselves alone and digesting the news.

“Do you think her and Casey--” asks Harmony.

“Yes,” replies Scarlet with a firm nod.

“So, we probably shouldn’t have written ‘slut’ and ‘ho’ on her shoes then--”

“No, we shouldn’t have,” she says with a firm head shake.

Harmony inches her hand toward Scarlet’s. “Should we--”

The warmth of Harmony’s hand startles her, making her quickly pull away. “No.”

Concern clouds over Harmony’s face. “Should I--”

“Yes.” Scarlet replies a bit too quickly. She forces herself to look at the wall, anywhere but her friend. In a flash, Harmony grabs her notebook and pencil case, then scurries out of the library.

Break Between Classes. In the Hallway.

“I can’t reach any higher.” Izzie protests while on her tippy toes. She’s holding a stapler with an outstretched arm.

Mel is holding the safe space poster with ease against the bulletin board. “Would you like me to find you a box?”

“Haha. Very funny.” Iz rolls her eyes. “But, yes, a box would help.”

With a grin Mel takes the stapler from Izzie. “Or, you know, I can do this and you can hold the posters.” She proceeds to staple the top right-hand edge of the poster. Out of the corner of her eye, she spots Casey walking down the hallway.

“Yo, Izzie. Casey 4 o’clock.”

At the sight of Newton, Izzie sucks in a quick breath. This is her chance. “Here, Mel. Hold these or something.” Izzie drops the small stack of posters on the ground and whirls around to face Casey’s direction. Her body is shaking as she tries to find the right words.

“Hey. Can we talk?” Izzie’s voice quavers.

“Nope,” Casey replies firmly.

“I’m sorry.” Iz follows Newton to her locker, while Newton aggressively puts in the lock combination.

“I'm sick of you apologizing. You led me on, you're jerking me around. I hate it.”

“I really like you.”

Her pleading and stating the obvious irks Casey even more. “Yeah, in this moment, but in ten minutes, you might be embarrassed by me or kissing some random guy. Just leave me alone.” She slams the locker door, then abruptly turns and starts marching down the hallway.

“Newton!” Izzie is on Casey’s heels. “Will you stop for two seconds so I can explain?”

It’s as if Casey is seeing red. She’s exhausted from avoiding Izzie at track this morning, nevermind what is currently happening. Needless to say, when she turns to face Izzie, she is done with this conversation.

“What?” Her brow is furrowed, but when she notices Izzie’s close proximity, her eyes soften.

They are close enough for their bare legs to touch. One of the few perks of a Clayton Prep skirt. Izzie hovers close before dipping her chin up. “I’m done being weird,” she murmurs. Casey’s heart is practically bursting as she watches Izzie’s lips part. It’s deja vu of the dance. The two of them in the exact same position with their lips close, but it’s different this time. This time, Izzie initiates. But like before, time slows as the two enjoy one another’s presence and touch. Their legs gently bump together as their arms intertwine.

Her lips taste delicious, like soft, warm vanilla beans. Exactly how Casey remembers. She brushes away a strand of Izzie’s hair after pulling away. Their eyes are locked on one another, a happy glow emitting from the couple.

Izzie hasn’t felt this good in weeks, not since the dance. She figured she’d feel self-conscious after kissing Casey in front of everyone in the hallway, instead she feels fine. More than fine, even. There’s a strange sense of pride. She’s happy to show off what she has with Newton to Clayton Prep.

“That was pretty weird.” A dumbstruck grin spreads across Casey’s face. This is not what she imagined happening during her walk from Biology to English. She’s still wondering whether the last few minutes actually happened.

Doubt sets in at Newton’s response. Izzie feels her inexperience showing. Was the kiss okay? Did Newton feel the same?

“Bad weird?” She tentatively asks.

Casey just chuckles and throws an arm around Izzie’s shoulders, leading her toward their next class.

“I have so much to tell you!”

Iz giggles, ecstatic to have her girlfriend holding her close, to have her favourite person back.

“First of all, I told my dad that I love you.” Casey feels her body being pulled back, as Izzie’s feet stop moving. Her eyebrows shoot up as she struggles to find the words.

“Wow, Newton, I--”

“But he thought I meant as a friend.” The two girls laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. “I would’ve corrected him but.. I wasn’t sure about us.” There’s an uncomfortable silence for a few beats. Iz presses her hand firmly against Newton’s.

“You can be sure about us.”

A Few Weeks Later. Getting Ready for the School Dance. Gardner’s House.

When Casey walks down the stairs in her 1980s-style yellow and black patterned button-up shirt with black suspenders, Elsa feels a surge of pride in her daughter. She cannot restrain herself, she has to throw her arms around her girl and squeeze tight.

“I’m so proud of you!” Casey’s outfit matches the 1980s theme of Clayton Prep’s dance, and it’s reminding Elsa of her first high school dance with its overabundance of neon, big hair, and hormones.

“Mum!” Casey protests with an eye roll. “It’s not like it’s prom or grad, it’s just a dance. Or what you kids used to call it, sock hops.” She’s waiting in the living room, so she can make a quick escape with Izzie when she shows up.

Elsa is now leaning on Doug, enjoying the moment, ignoring her daughter’s teasing. “Can you believe that our youngest is going to her first dance with her first girlfriend?” Her eyes are starting to water. Doug pulls Elsa in with one arm, so her chin is resting on his shoulders.

“They grow up fast.” He says quietly enough so only Elsa hears.

By this point, Casey has noticed the water works are starting, so she wanders over to Sam who’s sitting on the couch sketching. She gets all up in his personal space by resting her chin on his shoulders. There’s no hesitation or pause in the pencil’s movements. It’s as if Casey isn’t even there.

Ding-dong.

Within seconds, Casey is flinging open the door. She needs a quick exit to escape from the Elsa paparazzi. Except that as soon as she sees Izzie, the quick exit gets scratched. Izzie is wearing a denim jumper, somewhat similar to her own, but more stylized with buttons and rolled up sleeves. Her ears are adorned with her usual hoop earrings, but she’s paired them with a Boy George inspired hat.

A sheepish smile spreads across her face. “Hey, Newton.” She peers around her girlfriend to look at the Gardner family. “Hi Gardners!”

There’s a flurry as Elsa ushers Izzie and Casey inside. “You girls look so cute! Come in, I just want to take a few pictures.”

Casey gives Izzie an apologetic look, but of course, Izzie doesn’t mind. It’s kind-of nice seeing Casey’s family wanting to document and remember this moment. There are pictures taken of them as a couple, then they move on to taking some pictures of the Gardner family.

Sam pauses while Elsa is taking one of him and Casey.

“Are you and Izzie more serious than you and Evan?” His question is genuine.

“Dude, what the hell?” Casey exclaims before glancing over at Izzie. Izzie laughs, not bothered by his question.

“I need another person to go to for advice, like Evan, but I don’t know if I should expect your relationship status to change.”

Casey playfully punches her brother’s shoulder.

“Ow!” His face is scrunched up. “Why did you do that?”

“Because I’m your sister. It’s basically my duty to communicate with you in annoying ways.” Casey walks over to Izzie, wraps her arm around her, then pulls her in for a kiss on the cheek. “I can’t say she’ll give you advice, weirdo, but she’ll be around for awhile.”

***

Synthesizers and dreamy British, New Wave sounds fill the gymnasium. There is a lot of neon, big hair, hormones, and bright lights on the polished gym floor. Izzie stretches out her arm, holding up an inviting palm to Newton. A slow, confident smile spreads across Casey’s face before she takes Izzie’s hand.

“You look…” Her brain is at a sudden loss for words.

“You too.” Izzie finishes her sentence, then promptly blushes before looking at her feet.

“C’mon, let’s show these Clayton Prep losers how to dance.” Casey proceeds to reach into her pocket and pull out fingerless gloves. Izzie’s eyebrows shoot up.

“I got them from Elsa’s closet.”

“My girlfriend is unbelievably cool.” Iz says with a wink before placing Newton’s fingerless-gloved hands around her waist. “Hold Me” by Fleetwood Mac begins playing from the speakers. In response, Casey pumps a fist in excitement and carefully but skillfully dips Izzie with her other arm.

“The power of the fingerless gloves.” She giggles.

“And you think Sam’s a weirdo?” Iz smirks.

The two begin Snoopy dancing to the upbeat piano and guitar licks. Elsewhere, Harmony and Scarlet are dancing suspiciously close, while Mel is talking up some girls at the punch bar. Despite the entire student body surrounding her, Iz doesn’t feel self-conscious at all. She’s just happy she’s no longer hiding anything.

“Time After Time” by Cyndi Lauper begins playing, so the girls ditch the Peanuts-inspired dancing. Izzie cannot help but think of the hotel party as the familiar electricity between them pulls their bodies together. Her hands slip around the small of Newton’s back as their bodies rhythmically sway together.

A slow smile spreads across Izzie’s face. “This time, I’m ready to broadcast our business.”

“Oh yeah?” Casey murmurs. “Pretty sure we’ve already done that.” The curve of Izzie’s lips makes it hard for Casey to think about anything else, so she inches closer until their foreheads touch. The two giggle as they re-live the forehead promise from their not-so-distant past. To draw out the moment, Casey gently rocks her temples against Izzie’s, enjoying how tantalizingly close their lips are.

Iz bites her lip. She wants to resist the urge to taste Newton, but her deliciously warm lips are too inviting. Goosebumps appear on her goosebumps. She feels the familiar tingly feeling that only Newton has ever given her. She could get used to this. This whole being happy at school, time away from her home responsibilities, being comfortable with her identity. Iz feels the remaining tension in her body loosen and the warmth of Newton’s arms around her. She feels safe in her embrace. Neither wants to let go, so they continue moving back and forth, as one, with their foreheads pressed together well after the song ends.

The End

#cazzie #cazzie fanfiction #casey and izzie #casey gardner #izzie no last name #sorry this took way too long to post #they kiss #the feels #the end #let me know if you find the LOTR reference #solved who vandalized Casey's shoes #I hope people understand the fingerless glove references

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takaraphoenix · 3 years

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Grey’s Anatomy: Review

Took me four months, but I have successfully watched all 16 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy - and what there is of season 17. Figured it deserves some words.

HOLY SHIT I LOVE THIS SHOW? SO MUCH?

(To set the appropriate mood for this and give you a TL;DR.)

That being said to open it up, it is most definitely not flawless. So let’s start there. For me, the one big flaw it has is really the writers’ cuckolding kink. So. Much. Cheating. And - worse than the cheating plots - the cheating apologism. They echo the exact same sentiment so often, that cheating is only one mistake and humans make mistakes. That’s... at one point, that stops being a plot device and starts to be very telling about the writer, to be quite frank.

That being said, let’s roll out the positive. And let’s kick it off with something that relates to all the cheating; so many forced love-triangles, but they usually don’t include toxic rivalries. It’d be so easy to have the men throw punches over the women or the women pull hair and scratch each other’s eyes... so many other rom-drama shows do it already, after all. But, honestly, the two lose ends on the love V (because these things ain’t triangles) usually have such a good dynamic with each other, ranging from civil to friendships to deep mentor ships - Meredith and Addison, Mark and Jackson, Cristina and Teddy? Seeing these dynamics, quite frankly, makes having to sit through a love-triangle-nonsense actually more than bearable.

The most impressive thing about the show is, to me, the amount of rep on it. I mean sure, the main lead is white and I’d estimate half the overall cast are white, but even from the get go - in 2005 - the ratio of white actors versus actors of color in the main cast was five to four. And they’re not background or side characters - I mean, two of them are, aside from Meredith, the only ones to still be around on season 17. They all have their own plotlines, their own relationships and troubles and struggles. It’s not just the Meredith show, not by far.

And beyond that, the queer rep on this show is... honestly mindblowing? I mean, seriously?

They introduced their first queer character in season 2, in 2005, when other procedual dramas that aired then in large parts just... never... added queer characters. And sure! Joe was only a recurring character and not a main character, but he was recurring for six seasons, he recurred a lot, he got established, he and his husband partook in the plot. And, again, this was just the beginning, back in 2005.

They’ve since then steadily broadened their horizon and become more inclusive.

Recurring and main character wise, we’ve had 5 lesbians, 5 bisexual women, 4 gay men and 2 trans characters over these 17 seasons. That’s a very solid list, honestly. If I look at other shows, again especially procedual dramas that are still largely aimed at a more conservative audience, the fact that we’ve had actual queer storylines in every single season since season 2? That’s amazing.

Even more so on the one-off characters, to be quite honest. Just... casually, this patient has two moms, this man is visited by his husband, here the child of the patient is nonbinary, look this patient is in a polyamorous relationship. Sure, those are only the one-off episodical characters, but you have no idea how much that matters too.

I know I’m repeating myself with this, but especially when compared to other procedual dramas, where the characters are often only queer when it’s important to the plot. He got beaten up and ended up in the hospital because he was gay. She got killed because she was trans. They’re motivational and important to the plot (and also usually used to victimize the characters).

The fact that this show, even 10+ years ago already, just... included queerness as part of our reality, included it casually, positively and repeatedly - really, it’s not just like it’s one episode per season like it’s some obligation, it happens a lot? For no actual needed plot reason, she just has a wife and she’s just happily married to her wife and that’s it, because queer people exist.

And I just, I struggle to express how much this casual rep means to me? And how it becomes even more amazing if you consider how long ago it started? And if you add to it the steady prominent recurring/main character rep?

Sure, it’s not perfect - the majority of their characters of color are black; it’s not overly diverse when it comes to what characters of color it included, it took forever to include the second Asian character and the first Muslim character and it could feature a broader variety of ethnicities, just like it could offer a broader variety of queer experiences, I mean it took them forever to introduce the first mlm main character and they have yet to include a bisexual man, I’d also just love to see an ace character or a polyamorous character, to paint a contrast to the sex-obsession and cheating plotlines - but... it’s doing more than many others and I do think it deserves praise for that and it keeps improving. They didn’t just add Erica and Callie as the first wlw couple and then stuck to only having two queer ladies on screen at the same time and never more, just constantly replacing Callie’s girlfriend. They kept adding more, they keep adding more.

Now, on to my absolute favorite thing about this show.

Because, let’s make one thing clear, I hate cheating and under other circumstances the amount of cheating on this show would have driven me off it ten seasons ago. But despite all of the very forced romance drama and sex obsessed allos on the show, that is not the show’s main focus.

This was never mainly about the romance. It’s always been about the platonic relationships first and foremost. Romances changed and broke up and got complicated, but what prospered were the friendships and found family relationships.

Cristina and Meredith are the defining relationship of this show. They are... friendship portrayed in a way I have never seen friendship portrayed before. The writing on their dynamic is just amazing.

And when Cristina leaves the show, the shift to Meredith-Alex and to the sister-dynamic between Meredith, Maggie and Amelia really works.

Personally, after watching the show, I’ve come to divide it into three arcs, each with a Part A and a Part B.

The first arc of the show - spanning seasons 1 to 5 - are about Meredith, Cristina, George, Izzie and Alex. And they explore the dynamic between those five and the individual relationships between them all, so very well. This was really found family done right.

Arc 2 is what I dubbed the rebranding arc - seasons 6 to 10. In Part A (s6 to s8), we got the focus on the Mercy West merger, ending in the horrific plane crash. While Part B is what I call the outfall, season 9 dealing with the outfall from the plane crash and season 10 being all about that Meredith-Cristina outfall.

I love Arc 1 a whole lot, it’s really good. I think Arc 2 is good too, especially the plane crash and its outfall were very gripping and well done, but I do think that this middle part earns the dub as rebranding because it feels like the show itself is trying to find its footing, trying to figure out a direction after MAGIC graduated into residents (and, inevitably, fell apart with the death of George and the departure of Izzie). It’s a bit unfocused on where it wants to go and I still loathe the big misunderstanding nonsense of season 10 (but am glad that Meredith and Cristina rekindled before Cristina’s departure).

Arc 3 is the sisters arc, where the Meredith-Maggie-Amelia dynamic rules, with a more uneven split between A and B, because A spans seasons 11 to 16 for me and is lovingly dubbed the Merlex arc by me, while B is just... season 17; the corona pandemic is really shifting the tone and focus and it coincides with the departure of Alex.

I’m more mixed on it than I am on the other two. For me, Cristina and Meredith just are the heart and soul of the show, so despite just how brilliantly they handled that all, I still miss them (though I greatly appreciate the fact that she still regularly comes up through phone calls, texts, etc). I greatly disliked Alex’s departure (which is a rant of its own).

On the overall, I would actually rank them in order - the first five seasons were my favorite, followed by the awkward middle because it still added brilliant things to it regardless, and despite coming in last, I do also love the second half of the show with the sisters in the focus.

I do admit that I had high hopes that Jo would become Meredith’s new person in season 17, considering the tremendous growth their relationship had - especially considering how Meredith crawled into Jo’s bed and was the one to coax what had happened with her mother out of her; that was “my person” behavior, quite frankly, and I also thought that Alex’s departure might bring them closer. I truly did not like Alex’s parting words to Meredith that she’s always been her own person.

Well, duh. Meredith Grey is an absolute badass. Which, also a thing I love a lot about this show. She is so incredibly strong and brilliant and takes care of herself.

But the point of her having her person was never that she needed someone else to stand in for her; it was to have someone around whom she didn’t have to be that strong. Someone she could come to to be weak around, someone to have her back when everything became too much. You just... can’t do that for yourself. So that sentiment was just incredible rubbish and I will be very mad if they truly have her embrace that nonsense, because she deserves someone like that.

Lastly, let’s talk romantic relationships. Very broadly, I assure you - I wouldn’t even have the patience to tackle them all, I mean seriously everyone has had sex on this show, or so it feels (no but seriously, the amount of overlapping ships on this show is ridiculous).

The only note I do have on that is that... nothing lasts forever. Quite frankly, the most “endgame” ships on this show are Richard/Catherine and Ben/Miranda (which, bless them, those two are literally my favorite of the canon ships). Everything else is just... fair game? They change, they break up, even if you absolutely hate a ship - don’t worry, it’s gonna end soon.

And occasionally, that... is even more rewarding than seeing a couple you do like get together? I mean, honestly, watching a ship you dislike for x reasons and then having them break up on screen and a character actually listing x reasons to the other’s face? Very carthatic.

I also have to mention the adoption positivity; Meredith and Derek adopt a child, not as a last resort after all else has failed, but simply because they fell in love with that little girl, Ben and Bailey took in Joey, because they have big hearts. So often, adoption is only shown as that very, very last option after you wasted thousands of dollars on all other biological options and then it is like a tragic compromise or something. Seeing them just... fall in love with this baby and adopt her and love her is so refreshing?

This show is just... really, really good? The writing is brilliant. I mean, this show made me laugh more than some comedies have? It’s funny, poignant and... not overly dramatic? I mean, of course it’s dramatic - it’s a drama. But it’s more... grounded. Even with some outstandingly extreme things happening, it is still very down to Earth, compared to other dramas that feel the need to go higher and more bizarre each season. It’s incredibly consistent, it includes so much rep and actual plotlines for every character, it really draws out relationships - familiar, platonic, romantic - in such great details.

I just really love this show.

#Grey's Anatomy #Phoe's Random Show Rants

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coffeeandcalligraphy · 4 years

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were lonan and harrison in a relationship? could you ~maybe~ share a romantic (as romantic as them two can get) excerpt between the two of them?????👀👀👀🥰

OH so u want the tea anon, I shall SERVE. This will probably make more sense if you have context on the series (which I briefly summarized HERE) but I’ll try my best to add context as we go. Here’s a comprehensive breakdown of the entire relationship! TW: this relationship is a little toxic, so tread carefully, mentions of trauma, blood, also lots of old, sorta cringe writing in this one!

1. The initial phases

The boys have had a very complex relationship from the start. At the time, I was very young, so I hadn’t sorted out sexualities for any of my characters, and over the years, they’ve all progressively come out to me, which has been a really wonderful experience.

Lonan is introduced 1/3 way through book two, when the series was still very YA dystopian. When he appears on the page, he’s been Harrison’s coworker in the ~~government, so they know each other well. They’re also nemeses. They dislike each other fiercely, but it’s kind of endearing. Clearly they have a history no one knows about (including myself), whether that’s as friends, enemies, both.

At the time of meeting, both boys are in relationships of their own, Lonan with his first serious girlfriend Holly who is Foster’s (Harrison’s best friend) sister, and Harrison with his first girlfriend, Margo, which always didn’t work (because! Harrison! is! gay!).

2. Getting warmer

In book three, the boys still hate each other, but with even more passionate vengeance. Harrison is angry at Lonan because Lonan keeps ruining his life (does this sound familiar) and Lonan is mad for no reason (does! this! sound! familiar!). This is the book where Fostered’s protagonist, Reeve, finds out Lonan is actually her half brother, and this very much changes the dynamic between Reeve and Lonan who go from trying to kill each other to ~~bonding, which by proxy, changes the dynamic between Lonan and Harrison because Harrison is essentially an older brother figure to Reeve. They’re kind of forced to make some form of amends in this book, but don’t become allies until 1/2-3/4 through.

Big tea is that they take a solo trip together and this is where I first hint at the SHIP (ft. Harrison’s very kind nickname for Lonan: Loner). The squad discussing romance:

“Really Foster? With Loner? Oh my god, out of all of the guys in this world, you paired me up with Loner?”

“Yeah, well why not? You both seem awfully close–”

Foster on Lonan and Harrison’s relationship:

“You guys are practically a married old couple. You even have nicknames for each other…”

3. Making progress

In book four, the boys have amended their destructive relationship, somewhat, and are kind of friends! Between books three and four, we can assume they’ve gotten closer as Harrison seems to know things about Lonan’s past that even his sister doesn't. I’d say they have a pretty productive friendship at this point. Lonan, however, starts a pretty intense romance with a woman named Glenne who reappears in Feeding Habits, and Harrison finds a dog! This is really becoming too similar to what’s happening currently oh! Here’s the first moment where I began squealing at this ship:

The both of them lie on their backs, staring straight up at the ceiling. Blood pools from Ris’ nose, slicing his cheek in two. Lonan’s eye is black, tears still seeping from them in slow, agonizing lines. They don’t look at each other. They don’t speak.

But when I look down, they’re clutching each other’s hands, so tightly, the blood between their fingers drips to the floor.

THE SHIP THE SHIP THE SHIP

4. The ship?? is it sailing??

In book five, the boys seemingly have gotten even closer! The boys have a lot of one-on-one time before the start of the book because they create an entire underground empire together lol but Lonan’s mental health has taken a dip for the worst as past traumas from book four follow him into book five, and Harrison is a big support. Their emotional intimacy has deepened, even if they are only friends (Harrison is single and READY to mingle but Lonan’s still in a relationship with Glenne).

Here’s a line where Reeve states “so haha Harrison is the only person who can make my brother feel better”:

I’ve brought Harrison with me. Not because I don’t trust Lonan, and what he’s capable of, but because I think, out of every one of us, he’s the only one that can get through to him when he’s like this.

I mentioned Lonan’s mental health is not doing great, and at its worst point, Harrison goes out of his way to do the difficult task of tracking Lonan’s mother, Izzy, down so that he can have more support. He pretends to reach out under the guise that he’s actually Reeve:

“Don’t tell him,” Harrison breathes, running a hand through his hair. “The last thing I want him thinking is that I gave enough of a shit to actually, I don’t know, care about him.”

“But you do, don’t you?” Mom laughs when he only flushes deeply, taking a final sip on her tea, which must be nothing but lukewarm at this point. “Seriously, Harrison, right? You two are such teases with one another. You bicker like a married couple.”

5. Harrison says I love you:

(it’s in a funny context but STILL)

“See, this—this is why I love you, Lonan.” Harrison says, swipes the tears from the corner of his eyes with the heel of his palm.

“What did you say?” Lonan asks, and not even biting his lip is enough to stop the goofy smile that peels across his face. “Did you just use the L word?”

6. This ship has come to a halt??

At the end of book five and the beginning of book six, Lonan and Harrison are not on speaking terms. This is because everything seems to go wrong for everyone at the same time. Harrison keeps secrets Lonan wishes he hadn’t, etc. Lonan and Glenne’s relationship falls apart and no one is happy.

Here’s Reeve saying Harrison’s heart is broken over how badly he feels for Lonan and that loss of friendship (SOFT):

I always wondered with Harrison and Lonan, if it were possible to have your heart broken over love that wasn’t romantic... Harrison’s heart broke over Lonan’s torment.

Reeve explains the state of their relationship:

Lonan and Harrison haven’t shared a word since their fight. But we’ve all had duties to tend to, so they’ve still been forced to interact, but even then, it’s radio silence. Sometimes there are glares and scowls involved, but other than that—nothing. It’s the longest they’ve gone without talking, as far as I know. Ris and Lonan might have had a similar conflict when they were co-workers, but from what I’ve witnessed of their relationship, this is more than just a warning sign.

The two make amends after a few weeks of not talking because mutual friend of the squad, Darren, calls Harrison to be like “haha so Lonan and Reeve are disasters please help” and so their reunion is kind of forced:

[Harrison] knows [Lonan and I are] standing there. The involuntary twitch of his ears, the tense of shoulders when the weight of both our stares pin them down. He knows. But he doesn’t look up. He keeps his attention fixed on the bubbling eggs in front of him, the old red spatula that now misses its spot in the cupboard.

Lonan immediately takes a step back, almost knocks me over in the process. It’s not shock, it’s not anger, it’s nothing. Just a passive jolt that makes him clench his jaw, and pull himself together. His eyes, as usual, are safeguarded, prepared to launch back any form of advance.

“You guys gonna stand there for the next hour, or what?” Harrison turns as he says that, and it’s a sting, yet relief when he looks at me first, and not Lonan. “Seriously, you can talk if you want to. It’s not gonna bother me. You look lovely, by the way.”

Silence, but around the skin I peel off my lip with my incisors, I say, “Thanks.”

“Actually,” Ris unzips his jacket, throws it over the back of one of the chairs. “I was talking to him.”

At this point, we feel a few things: a) Harrison is done with Lonan and his toxic patterns but still cares b) Lonan feels somewhat suffocated by Harrison’s attempts to help and the relationship, though a little more civil, is still volatile.

Their second reunion again, is inevitable, which Reeve explains as the squad set out to rescue Foster lol:

Lonan’s coming with us too. That wasn’t my call, or Harrison’s, even. It’s mutual, albeit wordless, the agreement we have that we’d rather find Foster without him. Though his motives steer somewhere closer to wanting to avoid pissy attitudes, we both know Lonan’s of no use if he’s injured. And from the looks of his eye that’s gotten worse, crusted in blood, like a leaked pipe gooed over, and the lacerations across his ribs, sewn shut by my unsteady hand, he isn’t ready for a mission like this. But who am I to control him. I’m not his mother.

7. Back on track?

Reeve outlines a false backstory for Harrison’s iconic leather jacket in the 250-word sentence from a few years ago (she’s in Harrison’s room) and we hint at an actual, palpable romance:

...pretend not to have a flask of whiskey hidden behind his headboard, drink out of it when he falls in love and drink out of it when he falls back out of it, meet a boy who will drink half of it with him, who will hurt him, and hate him, who will be pasted in polaroids behind the map he’s tried to cover him up with, who he’ll kiss and take a picture with, sometimes both at the same time...

8. Or not

But when she brings the romance up shortly after, Harrison seems a lil *tense* about it:

“I saw those pictures. In your room. Behind the map? I saw you. You kissed him.”

Harrison’s jaw trembles. Clenched by the joint, skin concave in the bone. Takes another puff of the cigarette but almost bites off the tip. Curls of the cherry wood table catch under his fingernails.

Harrison denies his feelings for Lonan, tho from the above, we’re not exactly sure why:

“You’re wrong.” And then louder, when I don’t say anything. “You’re wrong. I don’t like your brother.”

“Then why are you hiding him from [Emily]?”

From this, we can assume the boys had somewhat of a productive, healthy romance threaded through the end of book 5, and in sprinklings in book 6, though it seems to not be in a very hot place currently. We see flashes of this in the “mini” stories I’ve written about the boys (Lampshade, Fishbowl, and Mandarin).

9. Jump into Moth Work

In book 6, Lonan has a bit of a resurgence back into a bad frame of mind when something bad happens to his sister and he feels he could’ve prevented it. This leads closer to the present of Moth Work as Harrison makes the decision to take him to his father’s cabin on the west coast, a place he hopes Lonan’s mother, Izzy, will be. She is there, but unlike the first time in book 5 where she helped him, Izzy’s a bit far gone with her own problems, namely a drug addiction. Lonan is unhappy at the cabin, tho this decision leads us into Moth Work as the squad, except for Lonan and Harrison, leave the cabin for the east coast.

In Moth Work, the relationship seems to be teeming into unhealthy as both parties (but mostly Lonan) need to work on themselves. The entire book centres on this conflict as a) Harrison tries to help Lonan who is still unwell, while struggling to realize this is just something he can’t do and b) Lonan struggles with accepting himself and also being a better, accountable human.

10. Oh god here comes Eliza

Lonan is so hyperfocused on himself and understanding his traumas that he struggles to prioritize others over himself, even when he doesn’t mean to. This becomes really emotionally exhausting for Harrison, so in ch. 5 of MW, they physically split. Lonan winds up in Las Vegas, looking for Eliza, his father’s ex-girlfriend, and OH BOY does a bizarre, unplanned (for all of us lmao) romance ensue. This relationship takes a nosedive, even in its best parts because its foundation is laid upon mistruths.

11. Harrison is back

In chapter 12 of MW, Harrison, who’s been entertaining a romance with someone else in the interim, appears at Eliza’s apartment to make amends with Lonan who he can’t seem to shake off (he’s a pesky moth haha). This shakes them both as a) Harrison isn’t sure about Eliza and her potential motivations, and b) Lonan, without Harrison, most definitely knows he’s done hurtful things to “better himself” (which is actually toxic).

12. Lonan says I love you

Lonan realizes how important Harrison is to him, and while they both inevitably know their relationship isn’t going to work out, which Harrison hints at, they share a wholesome moment at the “beautiful place” which I mention in MW writing updates:

“You’re not coming back with me,” Harrison says.

Lonan takes hold of the guardian angel, and gingerly, like it’s fragile enough to crumple, brings it to his mouth and kisses it. His lip glints, just as the angel does, in the moonlight. He lets the angel fall, swaying like a pendulum, and pulls his hand back slowly. Quietly, he says, “I think I’ve loved you a long time.”

13. Inevitable split

Harrison makes the decision to not stick around for Lonan because he’s realized it’s actually unproductive for them both to try to make a relationship work in the state it’s in. Structurally, Lonan needs to change, and he realizes that. Harrison leaves Las Vegas to live with his mother and that leads us to Feeding Habits.

14. Where are we in Feeding Habits?

Lonan has been in a strange relationship with Eliza for about six months, and Harrison’s been living with his mother in NYC after a few destructive instances that prompt her to host an intervention. While Lonan learns a lot about himself and grows a lot in this book, Harrison struggles because I really think he’s hurting over the end of their romance. This is truly a hurt bae moment.

TL;DR: Lonan needs to work on himself & be accountable for his actions before he gets into a relationship with anyone, and Harrison has to learn when to keep his emotional spoons for himself and that he can’t control how much he helps someone, even when he wants to. In my head, I know where the relationship ends (happily ever after), but this is just the very, very beginning, so there’s a lot that both sides need to work out before we get there.

Since you particularly asked for a romantical excerpt, the last chapter of MW is under the cut. It’s imperfect but I think it kind of sums up everyone’s feelings pretty nicely.

--Rachel

Chapter 15: Summon Away

He sees Lonan once the next morning. Sitting at the kitchen table over a cup of steeped tea—something floral and springy. Harrison watches him from the couch and can’t remember at what point he fell asleep last night. He’s not sure if he even did—if all he remembers is Eliza leaving, and then a blank wall.

Lonan is reading the newspaper. Every few minutes, he flips the page so new cheap colours and words blot against his fingertips. Harrison doesn’t move at first. It’s easier to watch him. How in the trickle of morning sun, his hair is a damp brown. How his eyes take to that glow, their translucent sparkle.

When Lonan has sipped four times from the mug, Harrison finally rises. No sign of Eliza sounds, and he’s grateful for it. This morning, he knows what he’s doing.

“What is that?” Harrison asks, pulling back a barstool with one hand, while pointing at the mug with another.

Lonan glances up, and the two mutually analyze each other. Lonan’s puckered skin, how morning makes his eyelashes papery, like wings. He wonders what Lonan sees in him—for a moment, it’s all he wants to know.

Lonan knuckles the mug over and Harrison picks it up like he’s holding an eyeball. The tea is hot, though Lonan hasn’t seemed to mind, and its flowery perfume burns Harrison’s throat. Lonan pulls the mug back to him when Harrison’s done, and takes another sip.

“I still have no idea,” Harrison says, and to his shame, studies Lonan’s face for a bite wound.

“Earl grey.”

“Sounds fancy.”

“It expired four years ago.”

Harrison gasps, and Lonan almost smiles. And for a moment, Harrison almost forgets where he is. What happened at this counter just a few hours prior. With Lonan, it almost disappears. They could be back at the cabin, needling through the woods on that first day they tried to get rid of the darkroom. They could be in the water, shielding, yet simultaneously pushing each other under. They could be dancing to no music in a tiny bathroom or driving for carless miles in the tarnish of rain. Harrison traces Lonan’s face, each line that etches his eyes, nose, mouth, hair, and he doesn’t stop.

“You’re up early,” Lonan says finally. “Did I wake you up?”

Harrison shakes his head. He clutches the edge of the counter and tries not to tremble. Lonan is pretending to read the paper. He tries to fill in a miniature sudoku game in his head, follow along to headlines, but Harrison knows he isn’t. Through the skin of the paper, Harrison watches him watching him. Harrison doesn’t know what he dreamt of last night. If it was a good dream. If he’d want to dream it again. If he dreamt at all.

“I found this article,” Lonan says, and turns the paper over. It’s not very long, just a small corner of the entire page, but Harrison sees the title, all bolded, Summer’s Dreaded Pesk: 10 Facts About Moths. He leans in closer to read it.

The facts are almost all useless to him—that moths like sweet things, that there are thousands of species, that many don’t eat, but what sticks out to him is the last: how they’re attracted to light. Harrison skims the text with his fingernail, reads something about light traps, and tries not to think of how unfortunate it all is—to move toward light and then stop moving altogether.

“What does it mean?” Harrison’s voice catches.

Lonan doesn’t say anything. They just watch each other, and then the article, alternating until they can almost do both at once.

Harrison looks away first. He inhales, and tries to steady himself, but when he knows he’s going to break, reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out the chain. He took it off last night and put it in there, and today, he unravels it carefully. He shoulders off his eyes, and in his palm, displays the angel. Its crystals beam in the sunlight that hits them both, and though it misses a jewel, has never looked more beautiful.

He almost says something but catches himself. He knows whatever he will say will keep him here, in this sun, on this barstool, reading the newspaper about moths, sitting next to Lonan, drinking his tea, never knowing what flavour it is. Harrison inhales, and on his exhale, unclasps the chain and drapes it around Lonan’s throat.

When the angel hits Lonan’s chest, a sound comes out of his mouth that Harrison thinks is almost animal. Harrison’s hand lingers on the back of Lonan’s neck when he clasps it, feeling the pulse of Lonan’s heartbeat, even from all the way up here.

Lonan clutches the angel when Harrison pulls back, and he doesn’t let go, even when Harrison rises.

“I’m going to grab a pack of cigarettes,” Harrison says, speaking to the ray of sun next to Lonan’s face. “Is there a gas station around here?”

“Just up the road.”

“Do you want anything?”

“I don’t think so.”

Harrison nods. Then he steps back, away from the kitchen, and slips his shoes on, one by one, more carefully than he’s ever done before. He knows Lonan looks at him. He knows what’ll be in his eyes if he looks up—and so he doesn’t. Harrison checks his jacket pocket for his car keys, and when they jangle, he turns toward the door.

“How long?”

Lonan’s voice makes him jump.

“Pardon?”

“How long will you be gone?”

Harrison frowns. “I’m just grabbing a pack of cigarettes.”

Lonan is the one to nod this time. He’s such a pretty sun baby, golden and capable.

“Before you go,” Lonan says, and closes the newspaper so it sits as a square on the counter. He doesn’t continue. All he does is gesture Harrison forward, his fingers weak as they curl twice—a beckoning.

Harrison takes a step forward. And then another. He doesn’t move closer than that. His head pounds; his heart bleeds too much. Lonan meets him in a place he won’t go, stepping out of his seat so they both stand in a patch of light that makes the dishware in the glass cabinet sparkle. Harrison says nothing when Lonan puts a hand on his cheek. Pushes a strand of his hair behind his ear, connects the dots of his freckles in a quick sweep because he’s done this before and knows exactly where they are. Harrison says nothing when Lonan kisses him. How his lips taste like the tea—a flavour he’s already forgotten, but that he knows. He doesn’t move. He just lets him touch, and touch, until he’s finished, until the lack of his mouth on Harrison’s finally feels like he needs it back immediately.

“A pack of gum, maybe,” Lonan says, and wrings his lip between his finger.

“A pack of gum.”

Harrison steps back. The sun is getting brighter now—it lights the kitchen like the lace on a doily, a warm glimmer like being underwater at dawn. He leaves the apartment without his angel, and keeps going, even when he wants to turn back.

***

Harrison buys the pack of cigarettes. And then the gum. And then he finds his mother.

She isn’t hard to locate. A quick question at the checkout counter, and he finds out the apartment complex near the public garden is only a fifteen-minute drive away.

It’s just as he pictures it. A white building, with a white lobby, the bricks white, the carpets white, the tables white. In little places, there are bits of gold—lining the keyboard the security guard types at, on the edges of every window so it’s only visible when the sun flashes.

In his hand, he holds a bouquet of roses from the convenience store. They’re cold and wet, and dampen his palms, but he clutches onto them in the elevator. When he gets off, he navigates through the hallway until he reaches her door—217.

He hesitates before knocking. Something in his heart is missing, and he knows exactly who, but he knocks anyway, two quick taps that he’s surprised she hears.

When his mother answers the door, she’s still wearing her pajamas. And they aren’t the pajamas he’d expect her to wear—no silks, laces, tank tops, fuzzy slippers. Instead, she’s in a too-big trucker t-shirt and a pair of wearing sweatpants. He doesn’t know why this comforts him. Or why this makes him cry when he hands her the roses.

He is swept into her apartment in a cloud of tears and he lets them fall as he collapses on his mother’s welcome mat. She smells like coffee, and clementines, and he clings to her when she holds him, when she pats his hair, his cheeks, his neck, the clamminess of her what he feeds on.

“It’s not going to last forever,” she says as she pats him again, on the floor with him now, crying with him now. And he repeats this: it’s not going to last forever, it’s not going to last forever, and he doesn’t know if this is supposed to be a good thing.

***

His mother has a balcony too. At it, they sit together, mostly silent, though Suzanna comments on the madeleines she unboxed for them to try ever so often, as if their flavour changes, though it never does. He can’t remember what he explained—it feels like so long ago that he arrived, even though it’s been less than an hour. He doesn’t know what he knows, if Lonan knows his trip to the gas station is going to be prolonged. His words were a woven mess when he spoke to his mother, of their messy love, of the unknown tea, of the moths, of so much more with that kiss.

Now, his mother massages his hand absently while paging through a book. He doesn’t know what book. It could say encyclopedia or academia, or amnesia—he can’t read it. She peeks at him too often, but he revels in it, the worry there, a care he doesn’t know how to handle, as if it’s fragile and wrapped in moth wings. Ahead, the city crumbles, and he can’t stop the pictures he sees in the clouds.

His mother reads. Harrison watches. A father and son down below, who take turns walking their golden retriever. A food stand vendor that hands a stack of checked tissues to a mother wrangling four small children. A couple who take photos in front of a cherub fountain, how he can almost hear the mechanical click of their camera from fifty feet up. Something stirs inside of him, at the thought of Lonan back in that golden apartment, and he only realizes what it is much later, when his mother is heating up something spiced and leftover in the microwave. The feeling like being buried alive and wanting to do it again just so someone can pull you out. A loneliness he sucks on until his mouth sores.

#asks #mothwork #fostered #feedinghabits #writing

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the--blackdahlia · 4 years

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It’s So Easy (And Other Lies) Chapter 19

Title: It’s So Easy (And Other Lies) Chapter 19

Summary: Stevie Adler likes Duff McKagan. She has for a while now, but she is convinced Duff doesn’t like her that way. Duff likes Stevie, but so does their new bandmate Axl Rose.

Chapter Warnings: Language mainly

AN: Thank you for all the feedback!

Matt was good. Duff didn’t want him to be, because he felt he was disrespecting Stevie by admitting it, but Matt was really fucking good. It sounded as close to the original line up as they could get without being the original line up. There were some obvious sound differences, but that couldn’t be helped.

The worked on the album, well actually, there were two. Axl had pushed for enough material to cover two albums, so that’s what they were doing. Duff and Izzy both thought that some songs should be cut out and just one album released. But Axl wouldn’t budge, even insisting that both albums needed released on the same day.

“Fine!” Duff threw his hands up in the air. “Whatever gets you to shut up!”

“He’s just pissy that he hasn’t gotten laid since Stevie found out she was pregnant,” Slash teased with a smirk on his face. Duff glared at the guitarist.

“Our sex life is none of your business,” Duff growled.

“But you’re not denying it,” Izzy laughed. Dizzy stood in front of Duff, stopping him from attacking the two guitarists.

“How is she doing?” Matt asked, trying to calm the situation.

“She keeps having pains and her blood sugar won’t stay balanced,” Duff told him, running his fingers through his hair to calm himself down. “I just want her to be okay. I’m trying to convince her to just relax in Seattle while we’re on tour, but she wants to go still.”

“Because she’s stubborn,” Dizzy pointed out. He had only played with her for a little bit, but from the stories he had been told about before her and Duff got together, they were both stubborn.

“She just wants to make sure you’re not tapping anything on the road,” Axl added.

“Thanks for having faith in me not fucking up my marriage guys. Means a lot,” Duff sighed. “I just don’t want anything to happen to her.”

“She’s how many months along now?” Matt asked. “I think you guys are in the clear.”

“Yeah,” Duff took a breath. Management had scheduled the first leg of the tour to end around Stevie’s due date, so Duff would get to spend about a month or so with his wife and baby before he had to go back out on tour. Which he really didn’t want to do. He wanted to be able to stay longer to help Stevie.

He wanted to be a better dad than his had been.

“Hello?” He heard Stevie’s voice. Duff turned and smiled when he saw his wife standing in the doorway of the studio room. The guys all greeted her like they hadn’t seen her the day before, going off about how good it was to see her, how she was glowing, etc. She walked over and gave Duff a quick kiss on the lips.

“Everything okay?” Duff asked, slightly worried that her impromptu visit was to tell him something bad. But she smiled and nodded, chasing away some of his fears.

“Everything’s great. Doctor said little bean here is growing nicely,” Stevie explained. “Actually, she was able to tell me the gender.” That got everyone’s attention.

“Well, what is it?” Axl asked, watching her. “I bet it’s a boy. Axl McKagan is going to be so cool.” Stevie just smiled and handed Duff a small shopping bag. After her doctor’s appointment, she had stopped stopped at the mall and found a cute little outfit to use to announce the gender. Duff took the bag and opened it, peering inside. He looked up at Stevie.

“Really?” He asked. She nodded. He slowly pulled out the small outfit to show the guys. A little pink onesie with little flowers on it. “We’re having a girl!” He jumped up and wrapped his arms around Stevie, pulling her to him and giving her a deep kiss. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” She smiled at him. The next thing Duff knew, the rest of the band, even Axl, were coming over to give her hugs and there were talks about a band baby shower at the Rainbow, how they would invite everyone who played the scene and how “Bailey or Rose McKagan” would be the most glammed out baby. Duff stood back and watched, the smile never leaving his face.

****

Unfortunately, the rest of that afternoon didn’t go as smoothly as the morning had. Because after Stevie announced the gender to the band, Axl started being a total asshole, yelling at everyone and just being a dick. Izzy had stormed out after a fight with Axl about the guitar line he was working on. That had been hours ago, and honestly, Duff and Slash were a little worried about him. Since Axl obviously wasn’t going to continue practicing, the two decided to go look for the guitarist themselves. Plus, Stevie had invited Izzy and Slash for dinner, and Duff didn’t want to disappoint her.

“You know where we have to go,” Slash told Duff as they headed out to their cars. “We gotta go to Ventura.”

“Why?” Duff asked. Slash stared at him.

“You’re kidding, right?” Slash asked. “That’s where all the gay bars are.”

“How do we even know that’s where Izzy is?” Duff asked.

“How do we know he’s not there?” Slash countered. Duff sighed.

“Stevie’s never gonna let me live this down,” Duff sighed. “Come on, let’s go.”

****

“Which one?” Duff asked. “Like, you and Vince have been hanging out with Izzy a lot. If you don’t know, he might?”

“I think I have a matchbook of Izzy’s,” Slash rummaged in his jacket and pulled out a matchbook for a bar called The Place. “It’s worth a shot.”

Together, they headed into the bar. They didn’t have hopes of finding Izzy, but as they looked around, Duff spotted something in the corner booth

“Slash,” He snagged the guitarist. “Look.” He pointed over to the booth. Sure enough, Izzy was there, a blond kissing on his neck. Izzy’s eyes were closed, so he didn’t see Slash and Duff walking up to him. The blond had slipped his hand into Izzy’s unbuttoned shirt, about ready to ask him if he wanted to get out of there.

“Uhm hum,” Duff said. Izzy opened one eye and groaned.

“What the fuck?” He sighed. “How did you find me?”

“You gave me a matchbook. It was a hunch,” Slash reported. The blond looked at them and Slash swore he knew him from somewhere. And the bright pink leggings looked familiar.

“Who’s this?” He asked. “Your boyfriend?”

“Bandmates,” Izzy sighed. “Very, very cruel bandmates.” Izzy leaned over and gave him a kiss. “I’ll see you later sweetheart.” Izzy got up and walked up to Duff and Slash, Slash still staring at the blond until Izzy pulled him towards the bar

“Is that...was that…” Slash asked.

“Whoever you think it is, it’s not,” Izzy laughed. “But what are you two doing here?”

“Well, we were gonna get you to come practice, but I don’t think it’s gonna happen,” Duff told him. “Stevie wants to know if you want to come over for dinner too.”

“You cockblocked me for that?” Izzy asked with a sigh. “Dinner, yes. Practice, not today. Axl’s been an ass to me since...well, you know.” Izzy looked around the bar, and he swore for a second he saw a familiar redhead, but he shook his head. “Come on Duff, dinner sounds good.”

****

Later that night after Izzy and Slash had left, Duff and Stevie were laying in bed, cuddled up next to each other. They were still at the condo, Slash would come by and stay occasionally, but he had moved in with his girlfriend. So it was just Duff and Stevie. The TV was on, and Duff was barely paying attention as he rubbed small circles on Stevie’s belly.

“The doctor said it’ll probably be another month or so before we can feel her moving,” Stevie explained. “Maybe she’ll be a calm baby.” She watched as Duff traced patterns on her stomach.

“She’s half drummer. I highly doubt it,” Duff laughed. “Are you sure you feel up to going on tour with us?”

“Of course,” She nodded. “If I feel sick, I can just stay in the hotel room while you go live the rockstar life.” She shrugged.

“I just want to make sure you and our little girl are okay,” Duff kissed the top of Stevie’s head. “What happens after she’s born?”

“Well, you’ll have a little time off,” Stevie told him. “I thought we could have her in Seattle if we can, and we’ll be in our house. I miss our house.”

“I know baby,” Duff rubbed her belly gently. “When I’m on tour, my mom and siblings said they would help you. I don’t want to leave you, though.” His voice trailed off, causing Stevie looked up at her husband.

“Babe? Are you okay?” She asked. Duff nodded, but she could see the tears in his eyes. She sat up and looked at him. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m going to be a horrible father,” Duff told her. Stevie stared at him.

“Where is this coming from?”

“I...my dad, he was a shit father,” Duff explained. “And his father was a shit father. And I’m sure his was too. I mean, the deck is stacked against me. I’m going to be a shitty dad…”

“Duff McKagan, you stop that right now,” Stevie stared at her husband. “You are not your dad, or your grandfather. You are you, and so far, you’re doing a lot better than any of our parents.”

“I don’t want to fuck up,” He told her, a tear falling down his face. Stevie quickly pulled him to her, holding him close. She rubbed his arms, trying to help him relax and get all those silly notions out of his head.

“You won’t,” She whispered. “Everyone makes mistakes. We’ll do things that will make our little girl hate us, like ground her or set curfews or tell her that she can’t go to a concert at the Whiskey because it’s a school night, but as long as she knows that she’s loved and supported, that’s what matters.” Duff just nodded. “And we’re in this together, no matter what. Even when you get tired of me.” She smiled at him and he returned a snorted laugh.

“I’ve been in love with you for years. I’m not letting you go anytime soon,” Duff kissed her skin gently. He let her hold him as he sang softly into her shoulder, both of them drifting off after a little while.

Forever Tags: @anathewierdo @dekahg @marvel-af-imagines @feelmyroarrrr @nanie5 @imboredsueme @gemini0410 @aiaranradnay @babypink224221 @mogarukes @xxwarhawk @sandlee44 @shatteredabby @caswinchester2000 @supernaturalwincestsblog @lauravic @mrsambroserollinsacklesmgk @teller258316 @horrorpxnk @tommyleeownsme @marvelismylifffe @mrslogansixxpixx

Guns n Roses Tags: @duffshairdye @slashscowboyboots @hauntedapricoteggsclam @bitter-13-suite @arianareirg @lucyboytom @ozzy-dumbass-of-darkness

It’s So Easy Tags: @str4nge-haze @viralwolf02 @overlyobsessedfangirl

#it's so easy and other lies #guns n roses #duff mckagan #steven adler #duff mckagan x steven adler #fanfiction

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punkscowardschampions · 4 years

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Jude & Jac

Jude: [okay so my idea is that like Jesse is doing some kind of little christmassy gig at Pete's record store and cafe moment because why not] Jude: You ready to 👀 the 🎄🎅 classics get 💀🔪🎤? Jac: You usually have to be famous before you sell out for Christmas royalties Jude: he's not NOT famous rn Jac: 🙄 you get a badge for signing up Jude: I should get a blue peter badge for rigging up his lil stage & backdrop Jac: if he was famous, he'd have roadies for that Jac: not unpaid family members Jude: 💻⭐dom for you Jac: This country fame for you Jac: it means about 10 people outside of Dublin have heard of you but EVERYONE here knows you Jac: so fun Jude: 🤣 by that I'm a star too & without a single 📀 Jac: Reputation doesn't imply any skill or talent Jude: 😜✌ Jude: coming or what? Jac: obviously not Jude: Jess'll be 😒💔 Jude: probs inspire him to belt out silent night with a well new twist 🎻🎻😭 Jude: 👍 or 👎 tbc Jac: I doubt that Jac: but he's welcome for the make or break Jude: 🏆🥇 Jac: whatever accolades he does or doesn't get are his business Jac: I'm going out Jude: Where? Jude: can I come? Jac: out Jac: and no, you have prior obligations Jude: Who with? Jac: Jesse, clearly Jude: Nah, who are YOU going with Jac: nosy Jude: tell me then Jac: 😂 Jac: why Jude: Why not? Jac: because it'll annoy you, is the easiest answer to that Jude: either it's top secret & that's just fun or it ain't and I'll see whatever 📷 clues on my feed in a bit Jude: I can annoy you loads more with my qs before that, like Jac: if you're such a fan of discretion you wanna work a bit harder at it yourself Jude: ?? Jac: when you said you had loads of questions, I thought you meant more than marks Jude: 😝 Jac: and I'm the poor conversationalist Jude: you're the mute Jude: Jess is the shit conversationalist Jac: who could get a word in with you around Jude: Lucky we all know sign language Jac: for my uni application Jac: nothing else Jude: be a bit rude if you singled out uncle Bob as the 1 person you did talk to Jac: bit fucking weird Jude: that too Jac: not gonna come for your gig on that either Jude: you'd have a job to Jac: thanks for the unintentional compliment Jude: welcome Jac: did you take my good pair of tights? Jude: not gonna go rob the place Jac: guess I'll just freeze to death Jude: RIP Jac: thanks Jude: 1. might be more helpful if I knew where you were going 2. welcome again 3. tis the season ⚰💀💔 Jac: 1. the north pole, to see santa and his pals 2. no need to stand on formalities 3. you're thinking of easter Jude: 1. say hey from me 2. I don't do formal 3. nah, I was thinking of how busy the 📞s are & how many people top themselves Jac: Cheery, aren't we Jac: you need some carols Jude: I can read a room Jac: laughable Jude: wish you would Jude: you a need a laugh Jac: if anyone can make it happen Jac: it wouldn't be you Jude: 🤡🤡🤡 Jac: seeing if Jameson still cries might make me crack a smile Jude: there you go, that's the spirit Jac: ugh stop Jude: ?? Jac: you aren't a fucking samaritan Jude: haven't made it official Jude: probs too young Jac: I haven't looked into it Jac: do you really want to be responsible for loads of losers offing themselves though Jude: when you put it like that Jac: you haven't got the temperament Jude: I heard you ain't looked into it Jude: but alright Jac: I've known you long enough to know you'd push a sane person over the edge Jude: whoops Jude: 🤪 Jac: hmm Jude: You gonna gatecrash Izzy's bday? Jude: I'm so coming if you are Jac: Why would I do that Jac: time how long it is before she has a breakdown? Jude: you did it for Millz' bday Jude: & she didn't FULLY have a breakdown though the gays ain't over it still Jac: Isabelle's life is already ruined, no need to do anything Jude: her ma would probs chuck you out anyway Jac: the role reversal would be nice for her no doubt Jude: as priorities go, doubt it's top of hers for what'd be nice Jac: 'cos giving a shit about her daughter clearly is, alright Jude: why are you going off on her ma? Jac: just because they're poor doesn't mean you can't say anything bad about them Jac: if her mum was about then none of it would've happened Jac: she can't even be arsed to take time off work to give Is time to heal Jude: & if her da was about, her ma might be able to afford to Jude: they're skint, you just said it Jac: if she knew who he was, he might be Jac: don't give me that, as if you know her Jac: she's a shit mum, always has been, and that's what happens Jude: alright Jac: so no, I'm not going to her sad party Jude: you should at least 🗨 Jac: no Jude: Come on, she's having a shit time Jac: Good Jude: 🥶 Jac: I didn't like her before she got felt up Jac: I don't like her now Jude: Bollocks, you were mates for time Jac: yeah, ask her how good of a mate I was Jac: or Amelia Jac: it meant fuck all Jude: 🙄 lies Jac: if you wanna lie to yourself, sure Jude: if you do, crack on Jac: evidence is in my favour so I'm fine with it Jude: Nah Jude: Amelia wouldn't still be 💔🎻😭 if you were such a shit mate & she was chuffed to be rid Jac: Amelia has her own angst to worry about Jac: as you mentioned Jude: yeah & part of it is you Jude: 🗑ing her off Jac: only when her girlfriend cheated on her Jude: & before Jac: you lez off with her if you're so fucking interested Jac: precisely 0 people will be surprised Jude: girls don't do nowt for me Jude: especially ones I've grown up with Jude: 0/10 interest tah Jac: sure Jude: Yeah I am Jac: probably stop going on and on about her then Jude: Touchy Jude: barely said anything Jac: you saying a word is a word too many for me Jude: 🤐 Jude: g2g as it happens Jac: 'tis the season Jude: +353 1 671 0071 Jude: 📞 it if you wanna 🗨 to someone else Jac: fuck off Jude: Love you too Jude: 👋 Jac: nope Jude: my declaration of 💘 isn't a q Jude: soz but not soz Jac: the too makes it false Jude: nope Jude: you love me Jac: no, I don't Jac: go away Jude: yeah, you do Jude: see you later Jac: go jump off o'connell bridge Jude: you're the only one freezing to death tonight, mate Jac: always next year Jac: he must not have got my letter in time Jude: next year I'll probs be ☕🤗 too Jude: defs is the season for that Jac: if you're not going to talk like an adult, then doubly don't bother Jude: 🤣 Jac: I cannot be clearer than fuck off and die Jac: I'm trying to get ready Jude: I'm getting ready too Jude: it's obvs doable Jac: you'll look a state Jac: I don't plan to Jude: funny Jac: just my honest assessment Jude: your snaps tell a different story of the state of you but alright Jac: first I need a laugh, the next you blast me for having one Jac: it's almost like you say whatever bullshit is floating around your head at the time, with no thought or feeling behind it Jude: don't sound like me, that 😜 Jac: not even slightly funny Jude: idc Jac: that's evident Jude: 👍✔ Jac: have fun hanging around your own brother like you wanna fuck him Jude: even less funny Jude: we're proper scraping the barrel now Jac: you'll be hearing that your whole life Jude: 💔 Jac: exactly Jude: 😭 Jac: just do it quietly Jude: can't & won't Jac: it's pretty much white noise at this point Jude: have you got with Raf? Jac: who? Jude: [some boy's profile like it him] Jac: oh Jac: maybe Jac: can't remember Jude: 👌 Jac: why Jude: Jess asked Jude: she's 🤔💭 about it Jac: lovely Jude: can't have been if you don't remember it Jac: she doesn't need to send my regards Jude: obvs, she wanted to know if he's worth bothering with Jude: there's her answer Jac: like anyone is Jude: so dramatic Jac: *not gonna get used all my life Jude: 🙄 Jac: my thoughts exactly Jude: 👋 fr then Jude: leave you to your 💭 Jac: yeah, foreign concept to you Jac: later Jude: ✌️

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georgefaynesgf · 5 years

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ND characters with the biggest lesbian energy

(this isn’t a serious or definitive list. probably.)

God tier

Dagny Silva: #confirmed

Rose Green and Abby Sideris: they moved to San Francisco to start a bed and breakfast together?? and their whole dynamic... its so clear

George Fayne: the OG character you identify with as a baby lesbian

High tier

Ingrid Corey: we all know a lesbian like ingrid. maybe we are that lesbian. you KNOW she’s at the farmer’s market every weekend with her wife

Mel Corbalis: HER ripped my over-it goth teenage lesbian personality straight from my high school memories and put it in this game. she’s an icon

Katie Firestone: i mean you’ve seen her. the vibes... are overwhelming

Harper Thornton: this is obviously for many reasons but avoiding your extended family? them thinking you’re crazy and aloof? very common lesbian experience

Mid tier

Nancy Drew: there are a lot of people with a lot of strong feelings on this

Deirdre Shannon: likewise for deirdre but she is very much that... female rival that gets a lot more interesting when you consider they’re covering up a crush on a girl. see also: regina george, quinn fabray

Simone Mueller: who else but a lesbian could be that good of an agent

Ethel: this is just me but women who take care of children that aren’t their own and also seem like they could kill you if necessary? theyre gay

Charleena Purcell: historical romance belongs to the gays

Dr. Quigley Kim: a couple years after CRE she meets the girl of her dreams who loves hearing her talk about bugs. truth be told this girl doesn’t care about bugs but she loves seeing quigley passionate about her work

Rachel Hubbard: disaster lesbian (so is her sister)

Leela Yadav and Izzy Romero: they have some shit to work out

Yumi Shimizu: high femme obvs. the experience of a straight relative with a tragic boyfriend is very relatable

Low tier

Minette: “a thing for curves”

Moira Chisholm: i’m not saying she was in love with kate drew buuuut...

Bess Marvin: a classic femme but ofc in-text she does talk about boys a lot

Joy Trent: idk if she's gay but i love her with my whole soul

Corinne Myers: everyone in WAC was gay and she’s no exception

Ryan Kilpatrick: that girl who youre not sure if she’s gay or just quirky

Ellie York: i must’ve misread something but i thought she had a girlfriend for a hot minute

Lillian Weiss: yes i know but that SUIT. her demeanor is very Power Lesbian

Fatima: charleena purcell is her idol, so...

Connie Watson: despite having short hair and knowing judo she seems more to me like a stereotype-defying straight woman. don’t kill me

Honorable Mentions

Heather McKay: she’s def that friend who tragically dates men that she's way too good for. could be gay but if she is, even she doesn't realize it right now

Freddie Randall: i know she's a child but you know when you, a lesbian, were a kid and were way too into fighting and fantasy books where you could imagine yourself as a strong knight in a castle? yeah

Alexei Markovic: he’s not a lesbian but he does have severe gay energy and it’s worth noting

Emily Griffin: she's gay but i wish she wasn't

and that’s my opinion on that

#clue crew #nancy drew #dagny silva #george fayne #my post #general

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zepdeans · 5 years

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there’s not a lot I can say about s3 that hasn’t already been said (and articulated 200x better) but! here are some of my (albeit dumb) thoughts :~)

ep1 -isak leaning against the bathroom wall gets me EVERY time its such a powerful scene esp introducing you to s3 and tarjei..... spare some talent for the rest of us please -LiTeN gUtTeN fRa StRaNgEr tHiNgS -isak rly ties his pants w a shoelace...... -isak noticing even for the first time bc of his laugh.. whew.... also. i love this intro SOOO much bc its so non-monumental? theres no dramatic music or whatever but its not subtle.... like you know right away o shit love interest!! hello sir!! bc isak’s expression watching him :’) i could go on -isak is a bad liar HOWEVER this only applies to stupid nontrivial things e.g. the black sweatshirt. but when you look at him lying about like, his sexuality, he hides that shit well -”c00l” isak. i hate u so much -honestly all u have to do is look at even for .2 seconds and u can tell this boy has had a crush for a solid month bc he just looks awestruck (HOWEVER henrik’s acting is *chef’s kiss* bc its subtle enough to go undetected b4 you actually know eVEN SAW HIM ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL) -even isak and emma all sitting on the bench together is funny enough on its on but then a song called threeway comes on and like. julie sdshjsfdjfkjskd ep2 -there’s something so endearing about even’s handwriting idek what -i LOVE even’s video w mikael it reveals so much about him to us- how weird (ok we saw how weird he was w the paper towel thing but) and dorky he is? and his love of film! his view on love stories and how he sees the world :( but it also shows a lot abt isak because he saw even making stupid jokes about vladimir putin and was like yeah we about to fall in LOVE love -isak not using headphones to watch even’s video or r+j?? bde or general incompetence what’s the verdict guys -the isak watching r+j scene hits so hard like yall ever think about isak lying in bed at 3am staring at the ceiling probably thinking about how he’s never gonna get a beautiful world-shattering romance like that like ..... also him changing positions skam get out of my life go away ur too realistic -not to make this even more self-projection-y but isak simultaneously being the least emotionally vulnerable person ever but crying during r+j > -i made a post abt this already but even’s INTENSE staring vs isak’s “i have never looked anyone in the eye in my life” gets me it says so much about their characters -even said i see your bde move (asking me to buy you beer) and i raise u with my own (inviting you to my house after faking not having my id) -”if you listen to music” even is such a dick fsdjhsdff -when the message comes on...... i rlly do owe julie my life huh -”have you heard about my rapping?” “I have actually” have we talked about this enough????? 1. isak finally feels comfortable enough w even to flirt and his first move is to RAP for him jesus christ. keep in mind this is the same man who pulled that smooth af ibuprofen line w emma like...... 2. even has heard about isak’s rapping. either this means im-not-on-social-media even went out of his way to go thru homeboy’s instagram OR isak’s rapping is actually talked about. i- -the group chat messages. cant believe i forgot about the 2016 clown epidemic

ep3 -mahdi is a good friend and i love him. thank u -even wearing isak’s cap until he chucks it at him sjksfjsdjsd -how much yall wanna bet isak’s been listening to illmatic on repeat since last friday thinking abt even (even tho meeting sonja shattered his heart a lil) [also kinda an aside but i think a lot about how isak n even bonded over rap and how some homophobic lyrics in 90s etc rap might have impacted them? or how that little detail ties into julie’s story? e.g. halftime by nas, which is on illmatic] -whats worse. even staring into isaks soul wearing a size xs see-through white t shirt or isak staring at even for five (5) seconds before chugging his beer and immediately making out w emma. OR even crashing that party before it can start “i think you guys are bonding too much” cheesy ass shjhfsdhskdf -yall act like evak didnt invent hands. did even shaking isak’s shoulder telling him his apartment is nice mean nothing to u -im convinced robyn wrote call your girlfriend for this scene specifically bc how could anything fit so perfectly by coincidence -is anything better than egging isak on- even bech naesheim (2016) -idk if yall have read the scripts but i love the sock thing so much bc its soo true to how isak thinks and it makes everything so much more interesting and !!!

ep4 -i will never get over even sending isak bad seinfeld memes -even smacking open isak’s locker. first of all whew second of all u think as soon as he got into the stairwell he lowkey cried bc ow -parallel of isak saying “it’s 2016, why are you religious?” to sana vs. emma’s “it’s 2016, get out of the closet” to isak anyone :( -”takk sanasol!!!!” thank u isak for my life -I wanted to be with you aloneeeee -even’s face when he sees the pool like we get it youre a director -how many times do i need to say even is such a dick sjkfsd “does it look like i care about my hair?” “usually but not right now” like this would only work on isak i love soulmates!! -even just.. fully choking isak out ssdhgfd got em -when the first notes of im kissing you start ooh boy -even going in for the kill kiss and isak going from huh to oooo shit and pushing his lips out at the last minute. phenomenal

ep5 -ngl as soon as im not in love comes on my heart goes uwu bc like!!!! that song the meaNING.... them......... i jus love this scene sm like theyre in their own little bubble and they both feel so comfortable and at peace :(( -even leaving isak comics about an inside joke of theirs like yall mind if i scream -isak feeling left out from the conversation and his friends whew i felt that... and having them talk about how gross it is to makeout with a girl w facial hair?? blease :( -taking stock of isak’s nicknames: issy k, isabell, izzy, baby jesus, -im not even gonna bother trying to articulate thoughts on Pause bc it’s a literal masterpiece. thank u tarjei henrik and julie for inventing television with this one -MAGNUS SDFKJSDFJKDSHK "oooh my name is Jonas and I love idealism and reading klassekampen and I don’t like plastic and I skate on a skateboard made of sustainable wood and wear old clothes because new clothes are bad for the environment and I only drink recycled water” screAMMM -what i said abt pause also applies to pride ugh its such a powerful scene and!! the beginning of kicks to isaks stomach. honestly what i fucking love about this episode is how it goes from hell yea best day w even ever to crying in the street within one week (s3 had the best balance of angst and payoff thanks) -even’s Soft Party Flannel... forever tainted by this scene rip -not knowing why even kissed sonja keeps me up at night -speaking of. how used and stupid isak must’ve felt when he saw even completely unbothered, hooking up w his ex at this party?? whew :( -bros is one of my all time favourite clips solely bc of the music?? lift me up gives me chills and when hold my liquor starts i LOSE it -ep5 and 6 remind me of that quote “to see what your characters are really made of you have to break them” because julie rlly goes all in and god it hurts so good

ep6 -never have i ever seen insomnia portrayed as accurately as tarjei did here and i remember when i first watched the cantina scene i was like. winded bc its SO true to sleep deprivation whew -i really like that isak wasnt together with even when he reached out for help and came out to jonas. bc it was him, on his own, being strong enough to talk to his friends and then eventually he was confident and secure enough in himself to be in a good place when even started reaching back out!! -i have no idea what its like to come out to someone, to be afraid of your friends rejecting you, everything isak went through. but tarjei’s acting of when, like, you have something you KNOW you have to tell someone, and youve put yourself in the position where youre going to have to tell them, but youre terrified and eventually just force yourself SAY the words?? -and isak’s smile when he realizes jonas is gonna be his bro no matter what :’)))

ep7 -weirdly one of my favourite isak looks (black t-shirt grey snapback c-c-c-combo) -”what’s your name again?” have i mentioned i love sana and isak bc i love sana and isak -jonas truly is the best friend oh man. perceptive, thoughtful, loving, laidback, a friggen BRO. tbh i was wary of him in s1 and thought he didn’t treat eva well (tho I recognized he loved her a lot, he was just bad at being a boyfriend) but jonas in s3?? just goes to show how powerful your perspective of someone can change viewing them in a different role!! because while jonas was a crappy bf, he literally is SUCH an incredible friend and his actions and words and just! him! in s3 completely redeemed any illwill I had towards him :’) -maybe im a little gay (up there with other s3 comedy classics such as “thats a boys name”) -mahdi season WHEN ugh a legend -’when someone asks isak if hes going to a family party’ literally what other reason for living do i have if not to read the boy squad text convos -isaks locker finally opening and his smile at evens drawing whewwwwwww!! also even rlly is that guy who wont text you back but will leave hand written love letters in ur locker -also. another stellar look from valtersen -slutt a meld meg is a whole masterpiece like what other piece of media has the RANGE -eskild: play hard to get. jonas: no smiley!!! isak: nah fam im good B)

ep8 -this episode is BEAUTIFUL bc you feel practically euphoric?? like hell yeah theyre finally together!! isak is out and accepted and even is done with sonja! but theres also this unsettling undercurrent of worry bc you know deep down something isnt right? why is sonja calling isak? why is even acting kinda strange? whats going on? yknow?? -literally never going to get over 5 fine frokner :~) even is such a goddamn nerd and he’s the man of isak’s dreams can u believe!! -sana’s little speech is SO important in so many ways ooo i love her so much -also have we discussed eskild making evak do a photoshoot for him. highkey those are my favourite pictures of ALL time u can tell even was like hm strange but im down while isak was more omg guys stop🙄 omg haha eskild i cant believe youre making me cuddle with even for a photo🙄 i cant believe ur making me snuggle this dude for a pic!!!! definitely would not have done this otherwise!!! -magnus only realizing it’s THAT even after seeing how isak looks at him. whew -isak is so brave i rlly love that kid! his text to his mamma <3 -no r*make will EVER nail text conversations like mari/julie did w evak’s this week thanks for coming to my ted talk. i'd quote the best ones but it would literally double the length of this post (ok ill cave. “hahaha shut up❤️” GETS me) -you dont know whats in store but you know what youre here for. hallo -isak running around oslo with even’s clothes looking for him :( his heart is so big he cares about even so so much -when Part II (on the run) comes on in the credits its like a kick in the teeth honestly

ep9 -ive already screamed enough about cherry wine but god it fucks me up -cannot put into words how much I love eskild and how good of a person he is, he just has so much love in his heart -”wait they have waffles here? see ya” -this convo is why i love skam so much!!!! magnus giving insight and good thoughtful advice to isak was such a brilliant move by julie (also truLy heartwarming) bc like. magnus is a flawed layered character! he’s dumb and ignorant and not very careful with his words BUT hes also such a sweet guy. i genuinely dont think he would hurt a fly and him talking about vilde (in ep10) is ;-; bc he really likes her and respects her and wants to be a gentleman! hes so loving and just. yeah. also i wonder if isak and magnus (and vilde) ever talked about having mentally ill parents and lent on each other for support bc like....<3 [sidenote- this is why i HATE b***** like they absolutely massacred magnus’s character and magnus did not deserve that!] -det er bare slutt........ very cool of tarjei to invent acting here. also the character development makes me WEEP like at first isak lied and told his pappa it was over bc its easier to brush stuff off and say you were joking than be vulnerable especially about 1. having a boyfriend and 2. saying youve already broken up?? but then isak was like hey im done with lying about who i am bc i want my life to be REAL and he told his dad the truth even if it was hard and even if he was trying rlly hard not to cry -isak reaching out to even<3 standing up for even<3 -o helga natt. another scene i genuinely cannot comment on bc u cant really put into any written language how magical and breathtaking and heartbreaking and powerful and brilliant this scene is. so. -jk. obvs i cant say anything intelligent enough to give this scene justice but probably the most stunning piece of television i have ever had the privilege of watching. even’s text breaks my heart every gd time (esp since we never really see this side of him before finding out he’s bipolar? his guilt, insecurity, feeling like a burden, being scared of losing everyone in his life because he thinks he’ll hurt them). the music is SO beautiful i cry real tears as soon as the strings start. also the brilliance of JUST o helga natt playing and no dialogue except for isaks one line? isak’s realization when he sees the cross. him RUNNING across oslo to go to even. the FLASHBACKS all going backwards in chronological order until them smoking on the bench. isak looking at the bench and not seeing even and u can feel his heart breaking and urs breaks too! but then he remembers the bathroom and he turns and theres even and whewwww. du er ikke alene<3

ep10 -minutt for minutt is THE most healing clip im telling u. and like.. seeing even depressed really is hard and as someone who was very very depressed for 4-ish yrs of their life it rlly hits me? like when youre in an especially bad funk and you cant get out of bed and youre just numb and exhausted and feel so shitty and u want to be alone but you really dont???? could go on but literally i owe henrik holm my life for his portrayal of even -not to be a soft bitch on main but when isak tucks the blanket over even and it keeps getting pulled off his back so isak just. covers that spot with himself? -i do love that call between sonja and isak bc once again! a flawed (realistic) human being -and isak thinking its his fault even is depressed? it means a lot that sonja told him its no ones fault, even is just bipolar. and i wonder if isak felt that way about his mamma as well, guilty for her being ill, and if what sonja said made him feel better about that situation too :( -lowkey random but when isak is rambling really fast and he goes “maybe we’ll get bombed tomorrow and talking about all this is a waste of time” it continually punches me in the throat bc that is /exactly/ how i ramble and think like tarjei........ pls -like eskild said. there really is so much love in isak’s little grumpy teenage body<3 -isak no longer just passively accepting life as its given to him, now he fights for him and even!!!!! -isak is such a forgiving person and seeing him able to just accept things and move on? incredible -i remember when i first watched ep1 i was like oooo even and isak are gonna be kosegruppa partners and thats when theyll first get together, cooking food or smth!! but lmfao after episode 3? kosegruppa whomst???? also hilarious vilde thought isak of all people would willingly sign up for kosegruppa just to go to revue parties -even and linn friendship!!!! -cannot articulate how mf heartwarming it is to see even smiling and being more himself after being depressed (also thank u julie for having ups and downs coming out of his depression- its so true to life having one day when youre feeling awesome and then the next you feel awful again for no reason and its SO frustrating) -I had to stop watching passe pa meg cause it made me toooooo crazy! it would just be like: “I like seeing you laugh” and I was like: *SCREAMS* -im the fucking master of lying 😤 -literally don’t know why isak and even ragging on kosegruppa is so funny but “did you think I joined to have fun” gets me every time -I SAW YOU THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL -also even literally radiating love @ isak watching get snarky w vilde on the phone bc it reminded him of the first time he saw him! even rly is that boyfriend who thinks isak being pissy is the Best Thing he has Ever seen -halla boiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiz -literally the glo up of isak telling his friends the order in which he’d bang them -No filter! wow I love symbolism -so nice to see the girls together for a lil bit :) -the boys hyping up mags while also telling him to be respectful awwwwww -take desperate to a whole new level- Confucius -who’s going to show isak how to properly hold a beer can -literally evak banter gets me thru the day. thank u tarjei and henrik for having phenomenal chemistry + improvisation skills + making isak and even the dumbest nerdiest boys i have ever seen -biology partner. and friend. ;-; -even literally is the biggest stoner blease -isak’s talk with eva is just sooooo<3 and not to be emo on main but every single word of the last few sentences he says hit me so gd hard because i feel the exact same way in my BONES -livet er nå 💛

final thoughts :( <3 -this season is so special. it feels like one really long oscar-worthy movie or smth?? i cant even exblain, its just magical. ALSO very dear to my heart. -julie really said you guys have seen isak sad and alone and repressed for the past two seasons so heres him falling in love with the best person in the world and coming to terms with who he is and being brave and opening up and finally being happy and living a real life -this season definitely feels different from s1/2/4 to me editing or production or music smth wise? as in, its got a lot fewer aesthetic shots and the cinematography seems a bit different if that makes any sense???? I also think this is the season most focused just on the main (i.e. not many- if any? sideplots going on) -literally will never get over the thought, love, and detail put into this season. when i say there is literally nothing i would change about it, i mean it and coming from my nitpicky ass??? means a lot lmfao. the acting, directing, music choices, symbolism...... sublime -s3′s cold rainy autumn aesthetic makes me ACHE for fall and also nostalgic for a highschool experience I never had lmao?? also. all the nighttime clips >>> -don’t know what else to say except thank u skam for my life

#take a shot every time i say whew #fully put more effort and time into this than most of my uni projects xx #its super rambly but thats bc its mostly just my direct stream of thought #also super long! and probably still missing things i wanted to say #AND like 3 weeks late fshfjjkdjkfsd #skam #clownfest 2019 #blabbey

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imnotinclinedtomaturity · 5 years

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Love Yourself (Chapter 30)

title: Love Yourself summary: A lot of things about Dan’s life are pretty great. He gets to make the music he wants, he’s got a great fanbase, and his manager is his best friend. A few things about his life suck a bit more. He’s currently lacking inspiration, he’s rather lonely, and he’s stuck in a rut. Dan’s been going to the same coffee shop for years. It’s quiet, it’s quaint, it’s near his home. Most importantly: none of the employees give a shit that’s he a world-famous singer. Things change when he meets the new barista. chapter words: 7.6k story words: 240k (so far) chapter: 30/? rating: m warnings: language, alcohol, sex mentions, some bi/homophobia, eventual explicit smut, some depression genre: singer!dan, coffee shop au, barista!phil, slow burn [[ao3]] [[first chapter]] [[previous chapter]]

a/n: thanks to my one true love @auroraphilealis giving up whatever she was doing tonight to beta, even though she had a headache and unlimited lives on her fave mobile game of the moment xx

Dan woke up early, groggy from jetlag. The hotel room was shrouded in dark shadows, and in his sleepy state, he couldn’t tell if it was from the thick curtains or if it was still dark outside. Whichever it was, it really made him not want to move — well, that and the warm weight of Phil’s arm wrapped around his waist and the soft, rhythmic tickle of Phil’s breath against the back of Dan’s neck. Sometime during the night, they’d shifted from their original position of Dan’s head on Phil’s chest. They hadn’t drifted far from each other, though. Somehow, they’d ended up spooning, and Dan secretly loved that even in their sleep, they’d wanted to stay close together.

But despite the serenity, worry nagged at the back of Dan’s mind, and he found himself itching to check his phone. He’d spent the majority of the plane ride ruminating about Isabella’s interview, his mind spiraling and dreaming up worst case scenarios. During the one hour of the flight he’d managed to sleep, he’d dreamed that Isabella had told everyone he’d cheated on her with Phil.

Luckily, last night he’d slept peacefully — he couldn’t imagine trying to film an interview in front of a live audience on a fitful night’s sleep. Dan suspected that Phil had something to do with why he’d slept so well, but now didn’t seem like the time to explore that thought.

Careful not to disturb Phil, Dan stretched forward to swipe his phone off the bedside table. He clicked it on, and was surprised to find that it was only half past seven — his alarm wasn’t due to go off for another half hour. Less surprising was the fact that there were already two text messages from Louise; it was five hours later there after all.

The messages had only come in an hour ago.

There was little doubt in Dan’s mind that the messages had something to do with Isabella’s interview, because Louise would have waited until a more reasonable time to text about anything else. Wiggling further back into Phil’s embrace, Dan took a deep breath and opened them.

Louise [6:28AM]: Tatler has already posted about the interview. They must have wanted to get it out fast, because it’s pretty much just a transcript, not a proper article. I’m going to read it now.

Louise [6:37AM]: You’re going to hate it. Honestly, it’s not that bad, there’s nothing so damning that you can’t fix it. But… you won’t like it :( Here’s the link: www.tatler.uk/18572650

“Fuck,” Dan muttered, apparently a little too loudly. Behind him, Phil stirred; his leg shifted, wrapping fully around Dan’s, and Phil pulled him in closer.

“What time’s it?” Phil asked, his voice deep and scratchy with sleep.

“Half seven,” Dan answered shortly.

“What’re you doin’ up?” Phil slurred. His hand dipped just inside the hem of Dan’s pyjama pants, his thumb stroking Dan’s bare hipbone. On any other morning, Dan was certain that this would be pleasant — peaceful even. But this morning, Dan’s mind couldn’t detach from the real world enough to enjoy the touch.

“Louise texted. The interview is up.” Even to his own ears, Dan’s voice sounded flat. Flat and tight.

The news seemed to affect Phil just as much as it had Dan. The gentle caress of Dan’s hip stopped abruptly, Phil’s hand gripping his waist tightly instead.

“How bad?” Phil asked warily.

Dan tipped his head slightly so that he could at least sort of see Phil. “Dunno yet. I haven’t read it. Louise said I wouldn’t like it, but it, and I quote, isn’t too bad and there’s nothing too damning.”

“That’s… contradictory.” Phil’s brows were furrowed; he looked just as confused as Dan felt.

“Fucking tell me about it,” Dan grumbled. Louise had never been one to sugar coat news about publicity, so he objectively knew this couldn’t be that horrific. But still, the fact that his best friend knew he’d hate what Isabella had to say… He had a feeling that meant that Izzy had probably gone for the jugular.

“Well,” Phil said with a sigh. “Should we read it?”

“Unfortunately,” Dan huffed. One hand dropped from his phone, reaching instead for Phil’s arm that was wrapped around his waist. Slowly, Dan slithered his hand down until his fingers linked with Phil’s. Looking over his shoulder, Dan’s eyes flickered back and forth between Phil’s. “Together?” he asked hopefully.

“Of course,” Phil agreed, leaning forward and pressing a chaste kiss to Dan’s forehead.

“Alright, here goes nothing.” With a sigh, Dan rolled back onto his side, and clicked the link Louise had sent. He felt Phil raise up on his elbow, his head hooking around Dan’s shoulder so he could read too. The page loaded, and Dan dove into reading, knowing that if he procrastinated at all, his anxiety might stop him from ever being able to read it.

—

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly of Love with Daniel Howell

This morning, I sat down with one of Tatler’s favorite models, Isabella De La Renta, to talk about her recent split from singer Daniel Howell (see here, here, and here for our past coverage of the shocking break up). For those curious, Isabella ordered a green tea (maybe inspired by her recent trip to China; see here for more details) and a yogurt parfait (no granola because she doesn’t eat carbs to maintain her perfect figure!). Isabella dished on everything from Dan’s shocking announcement about his sexuality (see his instagram post here) to how their relationship was going before their split.

You and Dan dated for a long time —

IDLR: Almost a year!

What’s life like now that you’re broken up?

IDLR: It’s been a hard adjustment. In so many ways, Dan was my best friend. It still feels weird to not be able to call him after a long day or to share good news.

I think it goes without saying that your breakup was a huge shock to your fans. Were you surprised?

IDLR: Yes and no. By the time we broke up, I knew it was the right thing to do, but if you asked me earlier this year, I never would have guessed. Just a few months ago, I went to Adalina’s birthday dinner — that’s Dan’s little sister — and his mum and I were talking about rings. His whole family was so welcoming and seemed really supportive of the idea of marriage.

Oh wow — rings. How did that come up?

IDLR: Dan’s mum was wearing a gorgeous diamond ring that he bought her for Christmas, and she made a point to tell me that. It was so clearly a sneaky way for him to get my opinion on what kind of rings I prefer. It was kind of sweet actually.

From ring talk to breaking up, that’s quite a change. You said that you knew breaking up was the right thing to do. Why was that?

For the first time since we sat down together, Isabella fell silent. Her eyes drifted out the window, and she was silent a long time. By the time she spoke again, her voice was choked up with tears and the model’s response was interrupted by delicate sniffles. It’s clear that this topic is still hard for her to talk about.

IDLR: We dated almost a year and, like I said, we were best friends. I thought I knew everything about Danny. And then in January, he told me he was attracted to guys, too. I really didn’t want it to affect our relationship, but I felt so betrayed that he’d kept such a big part of himself secret from me that it was hard to trust him anymore. In the end, I knew I couldn’t be with someone who wasn’t willing to be completely authentic with me.

Did you feel like he continued to be inauthentic with you after he came out to you?

IDLR: Yes, yes definitely. Dan assured me — just like he announced on his insta — that he’s bisexual. But after a year of dating him, and seeing how he is with a certain boy, I think maybe… maybe he’s not bisexual if you know what I mean.

Interesting. So what do you think that means about his relationship with you?

IDLR: Honestly, I feel really used. Before he told me about his sexuality, there were definitely moments where I felt like he was dating me for reasons he wasn’t letting on. But I never would have guessed it was a coverup for being gay.

I don't think any of us anticipated that! How did Dan handle the breakup?

IDLR: He really didn’t want to break up — he asked me several times to reconsider. I think he liked being able to show the world that he had a girlfriend, and ultimately, we did have a lot of fun together. Even if it did turn out to be not genuinely based on sex or romance.

Since you teased about it, will you tell us what the sex was like?

IDLR: Nosey nosey! For a while, it was good — maybe because it was new or him exploring or whatever. But that must have worn off or something. For the last few months, he wasn’t interested in it at all. He’d always find an excuse to get out of it, and the few times he didn’t… well, let’s just say it didn’t work and it wasn’t my fault. That was really hard to come to terms with and I felt so rejected.

That would be difficult for anyone to handle.

IDLR: I feel like it was extra hard for me because I’ve, like, never been rejected like that before. I grew up always being the pretty girl that everybody wanted, so to have Danny not want me in that way… Well, that’s when I knew for sure that he wasn’t bi, and realized our whole relationship was totally fake and I was just his… beard.

His beard — wow. That’s not something you hear much anymore.

IDLR: Maybe people are just better at keeping secrets now. Besides, it doesn’t take a genius to notice that I’m the only public relationship Dan’s had. Why else do you think that would be, if it wasn’t that all his lovers were men?

I asked Isabella if she had any final things to say about Daniel Howell, and she left us with this powerful message:

“Danny had me fooled for almost a year, and we were closer than I thought two people could be. Don’t hesitate to think that he might be fooling you too.” -IDLR.

—

“Fuck fuck fucking fuck!” Dan cursed. Every single word in the article was complete bullshit, but that quote at the end — that quote was the final fucking straw. How fucking dare Isabella twist the story like that, and then use her twisted, fucked up version of events to make everyone question everything he was going to say?

Adrenaline was coursing through Dan’s veins, and he couldn’t possibly stay still for another second. Dan chucked his phone towards the foot of the bed, not bothering to check if it landed safely — it was cracked anyway — and abruptly lunged out of Phil’s arm.

Pent up energy was eating at him, making him itch to move, so he began pacing their room. With vehement quickness, Dan marched up and down the small aisle between the foot of the bed and the dresser, pacing from the sofa to the bathroom and back, over and over and over.

“Fuck her, fuck her, that fucking cunt!” Dan spat, bringing one hand up to tug roughly at his tangled curls.

“Dan, I know you’re pissed off, but —” Phil started to say, but Dan wasn’t having any of it. He just barely glanced over, only fleetingly noting that Phil had pushed himself up to a sitting position and was now leaning forward like he wanted to say something.

“Pissed off?” Dan asked incredulously with a bitter laugh. Pissed off didn’t even begin to describe how Dan felt right now — he was downright livid, and he literally could not remember a single time where he’d been more upset than this. Not when his dad had sold his car without his permission, not when a group of obnoxious young fans had tried to harass Adaline for information, not when an unreleased, private song had accidentally been released to the public.

This — this was a whole new fucking level of anger, and there was only one way Dan knew how to cope with it.

Music.

He wanted everyone to know that Isabella was the one trying to fool the world, that Isabella was the one lying out of her ass. And what better way to do it than singing a song that practically screamed how fucked up Isabella’s behavior had been?

And if he sang it tonight, just hours after Isabella’s interview was released, people would know he’d written it beforehand — it would be at least one piece of evidence that would corroborate his version — the real version — of the story.

“That bitch isn’t getting away with this,” Dan muttered fiercely. His hands were clenched into tight fists at his side, his breaths coming in harsh huffs.

“Don’t do anything too rash, Dan,” Phil half-heartedly pleaded from the bed. The words knocked Dan out of his thoughts, and he froze mid-pace to spin around and face Phil.

“It’s not considered rash if I already planned on releasing the song at some point, right?” He raised his eyebrows pointedly.

Phil narrowed his gaze, though, eyeing Dan carefully. “I thought you said you only had one song you could perform without the backup band?”

Dan narrowed his eyes. He understood Phil’s rebuttal — Dan had told Phil that there was only one song he could play with just his guitar. My My My was Dan’s only acoustic song. But that didn’t mean it was the only song he could play without having his full backup band with him.

“Well, technically,” he admitted slowly. “But I do have another song — a perfect song — that’s basically ready. The band’s already recorded the instrumental parts, so I could just sing to that,” Dan suggested tentatively.

To Dan’s surprise, Phil pouted at the news. His bottom lip stuck out pitifully, his arms crossed in front of his chest.

“I thought my song was perfect?” he whined.

The anger that had been curling at Dan’s edges receded slightly, utter adoration for the man in front of him creeping into its place. Despite the urge to retaliate against Isabella’s accusations, Dan found his entire body, his entire demeanor, softening. Phil was so cute, and yet so petulant, that Dan couldn’t help melting. There was a happy glint in Phil’s eyes that was never there when Isabella had pouted at Dan, a spark that told Dan that this was different.

Before Dan could process his own actions, he was moving again, this time walking with purpose towards Phil and coming to a stop at the very edge of the bed.

Reaching out, Dan cupped Phil’s face in his palms, tilting his head up until their eyes met.

“Of course your song is perfect, Philly,” Dan reassured him with a soft smile. “But I wrote My My My, and the rest of your songs for that matter, when I was happy and giddy and in—” Dan paused, a hot flush rising to his cheeks. “Well. When I wasn’t in this kind of mood. And I’d rather the world didn’t hear any of them for the first time with this mood tainting it.”

For a moment, Phil just held Dan’s gaze. Dan raised his brows hopefully, almost pleading for Phil’s sad look to go away. But then Phil’s pouted melted, and a small smile replaced it instead. A part of Dan — a bigger part of him than he’d like to admit, really — was surprised at how quickly Phil’s pout had disappeared, even if the pout had only been joking in the first place. After a year with Isabella, Dan was used to fucking groveling if he wanted those sad looks to go away without sex.

“The rest of my songs?” Phil marveled, a hint of astonishment lacing his voice and a pink blush tainting his cheeks.

“Yes you loser, the rest of your songs.” Dan huffed, but not bothering to hide an enamoured grin.

“I didn’t know there was more than just the one,” Phil said softly, a note of awe in his voice.

“Did you even listen to the concept of the album?” Dan shook his head and rolled his eyes. Humor and fondness were seeping into his words no matter how hard he tried to sound serious; it didn’t matter that he’d been delirious with anger fifteen seconds ago, something about this boy managed to swing his mood to the polar opposite in the flicker of a second. “Wanting you, getting you… doesn’t that imply a bare minimum of two songs?” Dan teased, quirking an eyebrow and running one hand along the short, buzzcut side of Phil’s hair.

Isabella wasn’t right, he wasn’t gay, but he definitely reveled in how much of a boy Phil was.

“I mean,” Phil’s tongue darted out to lick his lips, his mouth pulling into a broad grin. Through his teeth, Phil’s tongue continued poking out of his mouth, and for once, his hand didn’t shoot up to hide it. “I guess I objectively figured that. But I didn’t, like… know. For sure, I mean.”

“You’re a dork, but I like you anyway,” Dan teased with a smirk.

Leaning down, Dan closed the gap between them and pressed his lips against Phil’s. The kiss was soft, almost chaste, at first, but the adrenaline that had been plaguing Dan must not have settled yet. The gentle kiss quickly grew heated, Dan’s mouth parting and his tongue darting out to lick along Phil’s bottom lip.

The soft whine Phil let out made Dan grin smugly.

“Before I call Lou about the song change, I need to shower and cool down,” Dan panted against Phil’s mouth after a moment, only drawing far enough back to mumble the words. Tipping his head forward, Dan captured Phil’s lips once more, playfully, sucking Phil’s bottom lip between his own, and letting his teeth graze along the sensitive skin just inside of Phil’s mouth. “Come with me?”

Hot staccatoed breaths fanned across Dan’s face as Phil chuckled, chasing Dan’s mouth to press a final, chaste kiss to his lips. “I’m pretty sure me showering with you will do the opposite of helping you cool down,” Phil teased.

“But Phi-illllll,” Dan whined, his voice several octaves higher than normal. Childish petulance seemed to take over Dan, and he stomped his foot on the ground, tugging pointedly at Phil’s hair.

“But D-annnn,” Phil mocked, his voice somehow even higher than Dan’s. Smirk on his face, Phil lightly shook Dan by the hips.

Actions speak louder than words, or so everyone said, so rather than replying, Dan opted to slide his hands from Phil’s cheeks down down down until he’d landed on Phil’s hips. Even then, Dan didn’t stop; one hand drifted farther, slipping into the hem of Phil’s pants. His fingers grazed Phil’s hipbone, creeping farther and farther back towards Phil’s arse.

Dan wiggled his eyebrows and licked his lips in what he hoped was a suggestive manner. “Come on,” he said gruffly, his hand lightly squeezing what he could reach of Phil’s arse.

“I’ll tell you what,” Phil started with a mischievous glint in his eye, shaking his head at Dan’s offer but smirking all the while. “I promise we’ll do something fun when you’re done filming the show.”

Lips pursed, Dan raised his brows skeptically. “Why can’t we do something fun later and now? It seems unnecessarily cruel for you to lounge in bed and leave me to wank in the shower,” he whined.

“Jesus christ, Dan,” Phil muttered, his eyes squeezing shut. Against his hips, Dan could feel the way Phil’s fingers dug in, he could see the way Phil’s entire body tensed. Everything about Phil’s demeanor made Dan confident that Phil would cave, if not now, then soon.

It took a moment, but Phil opened them again, although he didn’t quite meet Dan’s eye. “We both know if I come with you, we’ll both get absurdly distracted.”

“So?” Dan asked petulantly, sticking his lip out this time.

“So!” Phil huffed, exasperated. “You have a big day today and should focus on that. Besides, I should really call my mum.”

Dan wrinkled his nose, horrified at the change in subject. “Your mum? Are you really dragging your mum into this to turn me off?”

“Shut up, you twat.” Phil rolled his eyes, finally tipping his head far enough back to meet Dan’s gaze again. “My mum’s only request is that I text her if I leave the time zone, and now we’ve traveled through like six, so I think I owe her a call.”

“Yikes,” Dan cringed, his face scrunched up in horror. “You should have called her from the aeroport or something!” Dan tapped Phil’s shoulder impatiently, trying to get his point across.

Phil smiled softly, one hand reaching up to still Dan’s hand, trapping it against Phil’s neck. “I didn’t wanna leave you alone,” he said warmly, his other thumb grazing over Dan’s hipbone.

“Ugh,” Dan recoiled instantly, his nose wrinkling up in disgust. He wrangled his hand out of Phil’s grip, lightly swatting him on the shoulder. “Gross,” Dan whined, but his lips were drawn into a beaming smile.

Phil flicked Dan’s shoulder with his free hand, and flashed him a cheeky grin. “Shut up and go shower, Howell.”

“Fuck you too, Lester,” Dan pouted.

“You can do whatever you want later,” Phil teased coyly, his hand dipping into Dan’s pants to squeeze the top of his arse. Even knowing that Phil wasn’t going to accompany him to the shower, Dan couldn’t help but arch back into Phil’s touch.

“Fine, but you better believe I’m taking you up on that promise,” Dan griped, taking a minute step backward.

“Good,” Phil said with a shameless smile. “I hoped you would.”

********************

As much as Dan had resented having to get himself off with a rushed and mediocre handjob in the shower when he had a perfectly good, sexy boyfriend right outside the door, Phil had been right. From the minute Dan had gotten out of the shower — literally, he actually got out early because Louise was ringing — until the time Dan had been plopped down in a makeup chair in a small dressing room, he’d been having non-stop conversations about logistics and planning. Between Louise, his record label, and the Tonight Show coordinators, Dan barely had time to breathe — much less fuck around in the shower.

All the planning had been good though. It kept his mind busy and held his nerves at bay — until now.

Now, as some random woman dabbed foundation onto Dan’s face, there was nothing to do other than let his mind wander. Phil had ducked out a few minutes ago, going on a quest for decent coffee for Dan. While Dan really did want some tolerable caffeine, he was beginning to regret letting Phil be the one to get it.

Phil’s grounding chatter had disappeared, and along with it, so had Dan’s composure. Nerves had settled deep in the pit of his stomach and were slowly taking over his whole body. Sure, Dan had been given a run-down of topics Jimmy would hit on — and allowed to veto any he was uncomfortable with — but the gravity of what he was about to do, what he was about to talk about on national television, was weighing on him.

The makeup artist finished with the foundation and grabbed a natural-looking dark brown mascara from the pot. “Look up, please,” she instructed.

Dan eyed the brown mascara — mascara that was basically almost the exact same shade as his own eyelashes. Something about it didn’t feel right tonight, and he couldn’t quite keep his gut from screaming about it. This whole week was a movement towards being more authentic, and in a sudden moment of brazenness, Dan interrupted the makeup woman.

“Actually —” Dan paused. Stalled in hesitation, his tongue darting out to nervously wet his lower lip. Fuck it. Tonight was about making a statement. A big, loud and proud statement. He wasn’t going to half-ass it. “Can you do some eyeliner first? And maybe the black mascara?” The words came out more unsure than he’d wanted them to, and his hand was shaky as he pointed to the most dramatic tube, but he’d asked all the same. That’s what counted.

Dan expected the woman to be surprised, to balk at his request for something more feminine than she was offering. But to his surprise, she smiled broadly and gushed, “Of course!” as she pulled a small bag out of her kit. “What kind of look are you going for? Something subtle that will bring out your eyes? Or something more dramatic like the mid-2000s emo trend?”

“Um…” Dan floundered, suddenly doubting his decision — he didn’t want either of those options. Eyes fluttering closed, Dan listened to Adaline’s voice in his head saying one deep breath and then do the thing that scares you. “Neither,” he said as he met the makeup artist’s gaze with a defiant stare. This time, his voice wasn’t trembling or uncertain. It was strong. Confident.

The makeup artist’s head tilted slightly, and her lips quirked up into a small grin. “Okay, tell me what you’d like.”

Dan’s gaze drifted to his reflection in the mirror, his eyes tracing over the features of his face. “Nothing too dramatic, but I want it to be… noticeable.” He contemplated his long lashes and the dark brown of his eyes. “Something… pretty.”

“I can definitely do pretty!” The woman assured him with bubbly enthusiasm. “What are your thoughts about a bit of highlighter and bronzer to make those cute cheeks pop?”

A warm blush flushed Dan’s cheeks, and he looked down at his lap to hide his smile. He was flustered. Not from her calling him cute, but from the fact that someone other than Louise was willing to indulge his interest in makeup.

“Yeah,” Dan agreed softly, glancing up to meet the woman’s gaze in the mirror. “Whatever you think will look nice.”

Mesmerized, Dan watched as the woman pulled palette after palette out of her bag, opening and closing them as she seemed to debate which products to use. It was all so much nicer than the kid’s kit he’d bought Darcy, and so much more than the small stock Adaline used to have in her bathroom drawers.

The woman brushed powders over his cheeks, some feeling like they were almost down to his chin, some feeling like the went all the way up to his eye. Having his makeup done — proper makeup, not just stage makeup — was more nerve-wracking than Dan had anticipated, and he forced himself to avert his eyes anywhere but his own reflection. If he saw himself before she’d finished, he worried that he’d lose his courage; it was better to wait until the whole thing was done, then it would be harder to derail.

And maybe it’d look nice enough that he wouldn’t want to.

He reached out for one of the untouched palettes and opened it, only to find an array of greys and whites and blacks, some shimmery, some matte, and some straight up glitter. They were pretty — prettier than he thought he thought makeup could be, honestly.

“What’s this?” he asked, raising the palette a bit so the woman could see.

“Eyeshadow. Do you want some of that, too?” She asked it like it was the simplest question in the world, not like Dan was taking a rather large step in his slow but steady defiance of gender roles and heteronormativity.

His eyes lingered on one glittery grey powder, his mouth opening and closing repeatedly like a gaping fish.

After a moment’s hesitation, he weakly responded, “I think… not today.”

The makeup artist considered him for a second before plucking the palette out of his hands. “It’s up to you, of course, but we could do something really subtle. Maybe like this?” She spun the palette around so Dan could see it again, and pointed to one of the lightest options, a pale white with the faintest of shimmer. Dan didn’t know much about makeup, but he doubted the color would even show up on his skin.

“Does that even count as a color?” he asked doubtfully.

“It’s more of an accent, usually.” The makeup artist shrugged. “But if we swept it across your eyelids, the light shimmer would catch in the light and it would look nice. Barely noticeable if you weren’t looking for it, but nice.”

Dan hesitated again, his fingers tapping the table in front of him as he considered her offer. For some reason, eyeshadow — even eyeshadow that was basically nonexistent — seemed like a bigger step than eyeliner and something to accent his cheeks.

“Here,” the makeup artist said in a soothing voice, almost as if she sensed his apprehension. Without waiting for a response from Dan, she pulled a brush out of her toolkit and reached for Dan’s hand. “I’ll swipe it on your hand so you can see what it looks like on your skin first.”

“Oh!” Dan breathed, astonished. The idea of testing it somewhere hadn’t occurred to him at all, and he was suddenly realizing how fucking little he knew about makeup. Pliantly, Dan let her guide his hand towards her, and he felt his cheeks heat up again as she swiped the brush against the inside of his wrist. It tickled far more than he’d thought it would — not necessarily a bad thing, though. The sensation only lasted a few seconds before she released his hands and raised her eyebrows expectantly.

Slowly, tentatively, Dan lowered his arm, flipping it up so that he could see the soft, paler skin on the inside of his wrist.

In the end, the powder she’d applied was so light that he almost couldn’t see it. It wasn’t until he tilted his arm back and forth that he was able to see how the powder caught the light. She was right — it was just a faint shimmer, one he might not notice if he wasn’t trying to find it.

Still, the barely-there glitter was hypnotizing, and he found himself unable to look away.

“It’s so pretty,” he breathed, more to himself than to the woman.

“I’ll put it on your eyes, then,” she said definitively, leaving no room for Dan to refuse. “If you hate it, it’s easy to take off,” she added, softer this time, as she pointed to a packet labeled makeup wipes. Dan nodded, letting her do as she pleased.

As he pleased.

Tonight’s interview wasn’t a now or never moment — there would be plenty of other opportunities to make the statements he wanted to make — but it felt just as heavy. This appearance, this interview on The Tonight Show, was his first deliberate appearance after coming out just two nights before. Big gestures, actions that spoke louder than words — those had always mattered to Dan. Deep in his gut, something about this moment — a moment when he knew the largest possible audience would be watching — was calling for a grand display, and he was determined to do it justice.

“Go on then,” Dan whispered, taking a deep breath and then closed his eyes.

The tickling sensation felt different on his eyelids, but it still made his skin prickle in the same pleasant way. It was gentler and far more precise than when Darcy had tried to do it, and some part of Dan — a part of himself that he didn’t fully understand — relished the soft caress of the brush.

Truth be told, he didn’t quite know what to make of the fact that he liked the makeup brush — and the makeup — so much.

He liked being a boy, that much he knew. He liked his body, he liked his identity. But he didn’t necessarily like the box that society tried to confine him with. There were some things, some things that were traditionally labeled as for girls, that he wanted to be able to embrace on occasion.

And as the soft bristles brushed glimmer powder across his skin, Dan knew this was a particular box he wanted to break out of every now and again.

The brush disappeared, and Dan started to open his eyes, but was interrupted by a fierce cry from the makeup artist. “Wait!” she exclaimed hurriedly. “I want you to get the full effect before you decide!”

Dan clamped his eyes shut again, inhaling another long breath. “Okay, just tell me what to do then.” Nerves and excitement both chewed at his stomach, fighting for dominance. At this point, he wasn’t sure which was going to win out. He just hoped this wonderful makeup artist was fucking magical and could give him the confidence to actually do this.

“Just keep your eyes shut,” she instructed. Dan huffed out his breath, keeping his eyes tightly shut. “Well, okay a little looser than that,” the makeup artist chuckled, her thumb lightly brushing over Dan’s eyelid.

Dan did his best to relax his face and let whatever was going to happen, happen. If worse came to worst, he could have her take it off.

The sweeping, soft tickle of the brush disappeared, and suddenly a more pointed, but not quite harsh, touch replaced it. The touch sweeped right alone his eyelid, just barely dipping out onto his temple. Late night youtube binges told him that this was probably eyeliner — and that it was probably some amount of a wing (a term he only knew after three consecutive hours of Manny MUA).

After just another drag of what felt like a pen, the makeup artist prompted, “You can open now.”

For once, Dan didn’t hesitate tonight. He knew whatever he saw, it’d probably be nice. Even if he didn’t want to wear it on television, he’d interacted with this girl long enough to trust that whatever she had done was at least worthy of a private selfie before he had her remove it.

But when Dan opened his eyes, he was greeted with the lightest, gentlest glow on his eyelids, and eyeliner that was just this side of dramatic. It wasn’t wings, not in the way he’d seen on youtube binges. But it also wasn’t just eyeliner accentuating the natural line of his eye. The eyeliner stretched out from the corner of his eye, just a hair, forming into a subtle point — nothing large enough to be truly loud, but enough to be definitively there.

Dan opened his mouth to say something, but the words got caught in his mouth. To his great annoyance, he felt tears prickling at the corners of his eyes — tears he was determined to not let fall. With rough determination, he forced himself to swallow the lump in his throat, and cleared his voice before he tried to speak again.

“It’s great,” he murmured, his gaze never leaving his own eyes in the mirror. “Thanks.”

“Well let me put mascara on so you can get the full effect,” the woman said cheekily, waving a black tube in front of his face.

“Oh!” Dan gasped. Right — mascara. That was what had started this whole accidental makeup binge. “Go ahead, then,” Dan agreed.

He shifted his gaze up, prying his eyes open and forcing himself not to blink. The pull of the wand against his eyelashes was much more familiar — mascara was a pretty common part of stage makeup, a bit of makeup that was socially acceptable for guys to wear under certain conditions.

He loved that she was applying it after having put eyeshadow and eyeliner on.

“Okay, now tell me what you think.”

Dan’s eyes fluttered open again, appraising himself carefully in the mirror. The whole look seemed completed now that she’d added mascara. His eyes popped and his cheekbones seemed much more prominent than normal, the light reflecting off them more than usual. It wasn’t anything too radically different from how he normally looked, but still. The makeup was very clearly present. It was exactly what he’d wanted.

“Thank you,” he murmured softly, his eyes staying fixed on his reflection.

“Here,” the artist said, nudging something hard into his bicep. “You should keep this.”

Dan broke his own gaze, his eyes flitting down to his arm. In the woman’s hand was the eyeshadow palette, the one that was filled with shimmery and matte monochrome powders.

“I — I couldn’t, that’s yours,” Dan stumbled in surprise.

“I want you to have it.” She offered him a kind smile and set the palette down in his lap. “I can tell you like the colors.” Knocking her shoulder against Dan’s, she smiled softly and held his gaze in the mirror.

“Still —” Dan started, not quite knowing where his rebuttal was going, just knowing he felt guilty about taking something that probably cost decent money from someone. He swallowed thickly, glancing from the artist to the palette and back up again. “I could buy my own or something.”

“I know,” she said softly, shrugging. Her eyes met his in the mirror, holding his gaze steadily. “But now you don’t have to go find the courage to do that right away. Have fun with it, see what you think.”

Dan stared down at the dozen shades of white, grey, and black, at a loss for how to use them. “I — I barely know what to do with eyeshadow, much less this many of them.” Dan sheepishly looked up at the woman, not feeling nearly worthy of such a gift.

“There are loads of youtube videos.” The woman chuckled as she dug around in her purse. “But here, take my card and we can have a little skype if you don’t know what to do.”

“Wow,” Dan mumbled, numbly reaching out for the card and blankly staring at the bold black letters spelling Sofia Ricci against the stark white background. “Okay, um, I might take you up on that.”

“Good,” Sofia said definitively. “Now about those nails.”

Dan’s eyes shot down to his hands at the completely random observation, his eyes raking over his still matte-silver fingertips. His brows furrowed as he tried to make sense of Sofia’s comment.

“What about them?” he huffed, borderline offended as he glanced back up at her.

“I noticed some of them were smudged, and I was going to offer some nail polish remover, but…” Sofia trailed off, her eyes flickering down to her bag.

“But what?” Dan pushed when she didn’t finish her thought, eyes narrowed.

Bending over, Sofia dug through her bag for a second before holding out a small bottle of black nail polish in front of Dan. “Well, I thought maybe I could add some little designs over the smudges instead?”

Their eyes met in the mirror and Dan felt his heart fucking swell at how kind and supportive Sofia looked. Half an hour ago, she had just been a random makeup woman. And twenty minutes ago, she’d been offering to dress him up like Gerard Way à la 2006. But since then, she’d morphed into a supportive ally, someone who seemed to genuinely encourage Dan’s interest in all of… this.

“Hearts,” Dan said decisively, placing his hands on the table with purpose.

Sofia’s expression softened, a smile hinting at her lips. “Sure thing,” she assured as she unscrewed the black bottle with an air of confidence. Silently, she dipped a toothpick into the polish and gestured for Dan’s hand. Gently but confidently, she spread his fingers against the counter and began dotting the toothpick with intense concentration.

Somehow, the resolute attention that Sofia was giving to Dan’s nails was wildly different from the manicurist that Dan had occasionally gone to over the last few years. Sofia knew she was prepping Dan to go out in front of a massive public audience, Sofia was painstakingly painting delicate designs on Dan’s nails, Sofia was gently pushing Dan to be as authentic as he felt comfortable being.

Dan forced himself to look anywhere but his nails while Sofia worked. The whole nail polish thing — or at least wearing it in public — was new enough that it was still nerve-wracking, but he could still recall how lovely his nails had looked after the manicurist finished them earlier this week.

And he could perfectly remember the reverent look on Phil’s face when he’d noticed.

Sofia painted in silence for a few minutes, working her way through Dan’s entire right hand before she spoke again. The sound of her voice startled Dan enough that he glanced over at her.

“So,” she started tentatively. “I feel like I should confess that I saw your instagram post.”

Dan froze. “Oh,” he said, the one syllable coming out tight and short.

“I really liked it,” Sofia added softly, sounding far more tentative than she had since they’d been introduced.

Dread washed over Dan as he slowly began to process the meaning behind Sofia’s words — she clearly followed him on Instagram. She was probably a fan. In his experience, no secrets were safe with fans — that’s why he’d always had pretty much anyone he let close sign an NDA.

He hadn’t even hesitated with Sofia, though — and that was about to be his downfall. His interest in makeup was probably destined to be broadcasted all over the covers of the tabloids by this time tomorrow.

Frozen, Dan stared at himself in the mirror, unable to properly look at Sofia. Unfortunately, this meant he was forced to watch the way horror and fear flooded his own eyes. The terror was plainly written on his face, and it was impossible for Sofia not to notice it, too.

“Fuck — I mean, uh, frick, I mean —” Sofia stopped her dotting of his nails, instead looking up at him like a deer in headlights.

The expression was so startled, so genuine, that a little bit of Dan’s fears ebbed away. She looked so genuinely taken aback, so honestly scared of Dan’s reaction to what she’d said, that Dan couldn’t help but question if his worries were misplaced.

“Cursing is fine Sofia,” Dan assured her, his voice tighter than he wanted it to be. He drug his tongue along his bottom lip, trying to decide how much he wanted to allow. His eyes flickered to the eyeshadow palette and then to the business card on the table. He decided to take a leap of faith. “Just say whatever you want to say.”

“Right,” Sofia mumbled and flushed red, clearly embarrassed. “I just meant, I liked it… like, as a fan, it was good to see, but…” Her eyes didn’t quite meet Dan’s as she trailed off.

“...But?” Dan prompted, heart racing.

“But, as a fellow bisexual, it was the best post I’ve seen all year.”

“Oh,” Dan breathed, blinking rapidly in surprise. “I — I…”

Suddenly words seemed impossible to Dan — something that wasn’t exactly great since he was supposed to be talking about this very topic on national television in less than an hour. But he had hardly expected his makeup artist to broach this conversation with him (and he definitely hadn’t expected to ask for fucking eyeshadow from her).

“Sorry, I made it weird,” Sofia apologized, her gaze dropping back to her hands as she started steadily dotting another heart on Dan’s nails.

“No!” Dan exclaimed more forcefully than intended. “I mean, no,” he corrected, voice softer this time. “It’s not weird.”

Peeking up from Dan’s nails, Sofia caught his gaze in the mirror. “It’s not?”

“No. I — I didn’t realize until I came out how little bisexual representation there was out there.” Dan’s gaze flickered from Sofia’s gaze to his nails as he contemplated the decision he was making — the decision he’d technically already made. But with every word, the decision felt like more and more of an active choice. “And now… well, it doesn’t seem fair for us to keep being alone.”

“Thank you,” Sofia said softly, a hint of disbelief in her voice that Dan so desperately wished didn’t have to be there. That doubt wouldn’t exist if more people spoke up, if more people were authentic and tried to live their truth. “From all of us. It’s hard not seeing people like ourselves in the media, so what you’re doing… it means a lot.”

“Every listener I have is going to know that bisexuality is a real thing if I can help it,” Dan asserted, voice fierce for the first time that night.

“That’s the spirit,” Sofia whispered conspiratorially.

Dan nodded once, not saying anything else.

Of all the conversations he’d imagined having just before filming The Tonight Show, this certainly wasn’t one of them. But now that it had happened, it felt exactly like the conversation he’d needed — a conversation to remind him why he was so passionate about professing his bisexuality. Passion that stemmed from somewhere deeper, somewhere more important that Isabella’s whiny slander.

a/n2: look i was gonna have the interview in this chapter but i got fucking excited and carried away, okay?

#slow burn #singer!dan #barista!phil #phan au #coffee shop au #iminclinedtowriting #phan #phanfic #phanfiction #love yourself #ly

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ilovemyships · 5 years

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unruly hearts week - day one (favorite character)

alyssa greene

prepare for a (spoilery) ramble! cause that’s what i do best!

okay, so, for me alyssa is my favorite character because i see myself at 15 - scared and in the closet - in her. the difference is alyssa has a girlfriend and also really great hair while i had neither. but i think she’s one of the most relatable characters in the whole show.

her character arc is one of the most important in the show - she starts out terrified; sneaking glances at emma from a distance and jumping out of her skin when her mother nearly catches them holding hands in the hallway. she has her back turned to emma at the start of “dance with you”, and then when emma begins the chorus, she takes a deep breath and her whole body starts to relax.

(as an aside, last month i had the absolute privilege of somehow seeing the prom from the front row of the orchestra and izzy’s physical choices actually killed me so this is as much of an izzy mccalla appreciation as it is an alyssa greene one.)

alyssa lives in fear, and in longing, and in a feeling of entrapment - but the one thing that grounds her is emma. more on that come day five. but my point is that in act one, alyssa is at her bravest when she has emma beside her. she plans to come out with emma at prom, even though she’s scared, because when it’s the two of them together she feels so much stronger.

when she gets tricked into the whole fake prom scenario by her mother and her so-called best friends, that rips the ground from under her. she pieces together what must be happening to emma, and then gets told that kaylee and shelby know about her relationship with emma, and that’s why she wasn’t let in on the secret.

the horror she feels in that moment overwhelms her. i think a lot of us have had a moment like that - where you suddenly find out that someone knows about you, without your permission. all the bravery she’d had is gone; and so she goes to the thing that grounds her. she calls emma.

but emma is hurting and alone, too, and she doesn’t believe that alyssa had nothing to do with the utter humiliation she’s being put through right now. she asks alyssa to come and meet her, and alyssa wants to. she wants to be with emma, so that they can comfort each other, but the thought of one more person knowing her biggest secret right now is too much to bear. when faced with the prospect of telling her mother she’s gay, the words just rush out.

“i can’t! it’s bad enough that kaylee and shelby know!”

she doesn’t mean it like that, obviously, but she’s panicking. the music is too loud, the crowd is too stifling, her mother’s stare is too intense. and to top it all off, she’s probably just ruined her relationship with emma.

come act two, and we see a very different side to alyssa. she is finally able to let out some of her frustration at her mother, and the way her life is, through the song “alyssa greene”. the song starts with a very military-style feel which slows and breaks away on the line, “and you wish there was a world where you were simply free to live.”

i would like to point out at this moment that miss izzy mccalla is the master of simultaneously crying and singing and it is very very upsetting to watch. thank you izzy for making me cry, and then for sympathetically laughing at me when i told you that you made me cry simply by crying yourself.

as soon as the music transforms, and alyssa starts singing about how she wishes she could be, we see the very core of her character. she feels like she always caves in, and she is sick of it.

“you’re not yourself, you’re not what she wants, you’re someone in between.”

she comes to a realization here, i think, that she can’t continue on as she has been. because she can be one of two people: she can be the person she wants herself to be, or she can be the person her mother wants her to be. right now, she’s neither - and so something has to change.

but when emma asks her if she’ll go public with her, all alyssa can say is that she wants to. because she does, more than anything, but in her mind she still can’t. and emma breaks up with her, as much as it’s clearly killing her to do so, because everything is too painful right now.

and alyssa cries.

and i cry.

when we as the audience next see alyssa, she’s watching emma’s “unruly heart” video - and has been non-stop, if mrs greene’s comments are any indication. this video inspires her so much, and she can see all the support emma is getting because of it. and maybe she’s starting to believe that she can do this, too.

so, she takes a breath. and she tries to come out to her mother.

it’s interesting to note that in the broadway version, this scene actually isn’t the first time alyssa tries to come out to her mom. during “tonight belongs to you” she tries to tell her mother what’s going to happen, but she gets shut down. because mrs greene definitely knows that her daughter is gay, but she really really really does not want to confront that fact.

here, alyssa tries to come out again.

“mom, we have to talk about what’s really going on here. we can’t keep avoiding this just because it’s uncomfortable. i love you, and the stupid thing is that--”

once again, she is promptly shut down. her mother yells at her to stop, and grabs her by the arms, and possibly for the first time alyssa recoils. mrs greene pushes her too far, and alyssa finally, well and truly, stands up for herself. and although she’s been watching emma’s video non-stop, she does this all on her own, without emma holding her hand.

she tells her mother that she doesn’t want to be a part of her shit anymore, and storms off, and as an audience member i’ve never been prouder. (until her next scene, anyway).

speaking of, when alyssa comes into the gym not long after to find her mother once again spreading hatred and ignorance, she can’t take it anymore. she’s scared, yes, but she’s starting to realize just how brave she can be. so she tells her mother to listen, and she delivers this beautiful little speech about how much better it is to be yourself even though it can be hard.

“i don’t want to hurt you. i don’t want to hurt anyone, i just... wanna be me.”

and this is what alyssa’s character comes down to. she never wants to be somebody that causes pain but, at the same time, now she won’t let anyone stand in the way of her becoming who she is. i feel like maybe, for a while, alyssa very much repressed the idea of being gay. she didn’t want to be herself. but over time, and probably with some help from emma, she found that truly being herself was the thing she actually wanted most in the world.

and with her public declaration of love for emma, she does it.

emma says “holy shit” and so do i, because wow you guys, this was the part that i started sobbing and never looked back.

alyssa is honest with her mother, her life is already hard no matter what she tries to protect her from, and with the promise of a talk later - alyssa watches her mother go. she’s still slightly in shock, but it gives way to the giddiest kind of relief once emma points out that she just came out in front of everyone.

and then we all know what happens next. she and emma get their dance, and they get their kiss in front of everyone - also, their kiss is literally the climactic moment of the entire show which is something i think i’d only dreamed of ever seeing in a musical - and yes i’m still sobbing at this point, why do you ask?

my point in a nutshell is that alyssa grows so much over the course of the show, through a combination of book, score, direction and acting - and it’s incredible to watch. emma may arguably be the main character of the prom, but alyssa is just as much of the heart of the show as her girlfriend, and izzy mccalla definitely doesn’t let you forget it.

so thank you, alyssa greene, for being a character that so many people can see themselves in and finally feel represented. because feeling seen in the media and art you consume is so important. again, i’ll probably have more to say on that specific point later in the week, but i feel like this post is already way too long. can you believe i sat down at my laptop ready to write out some bullet point headcanons?

#unrulyheartsweek #the prom #the prom musical

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rockinthebeastmode · 5 years

Text

Sabotage

A/N: This isn’t completely finished but I have just enough for a first part and I’m hoping expecting to work the rest out fairly easy. I’ve made some cuts/changes overall (some details and notes seemed superfluous) and based on the second outline I did, we’re a quarter into the story--so I’d say at least two more parts, depending on where things cut off. I really hope you enjoy! I apologize profusely if it’s not what you expected but we’re finally rolling 😁

You can find the rest of my fics here.

@mmfdfanfic @eveerez @i-dream-of-emus @lilaviolet @laurielau @hey1tskat1e @tinakegg@kneekeyta@likeashootingstarfades @girl-looking-out-window @stinemarine @lurkernolonger@crystalgiddings1993 @milllott @milymargot @vivammfd @finn-nelson-for-the-win@ifinallyknow@isthistherightwayround @believethaticanandiwill @my-mad-fatuation

Let me know if you want to be added/removed from the tag list and if I missed anyone :)

Sabotage

“--you hear about this?”

Rae Earl awoke abruptly to her best mate Archie’s voice growing steadily closer as he entered her bedroom. Before she could speak, he shook out his paper and began to read. She tuned him out the best she could, her eyes straying to her laptop on the other side of the bed. She stretched through a yawn, glancing at the bedside clock.

“Aren’t you late?” she cut Archie off, his tongue sticking out at her. He rolled the paper up and swatted it at her before kissing her cheek and backing out of the room.

“I’ll see you tonight, yeah? Laters!”

Rae waited until she heard the front door slam shut before she reached for her laptop and opened it, tapping the keys lightly as it started up. Her desktop appeared and she clicked on her email, a smile playing on her lips as she read a new message titled, ‘Digsy’.

fknhangthedj78: Have I mentioned my dog, Digsy? She’s an old girl now but back when I was a lad, she was my partner against all the monsters under the bed and thunderstorms--always up for an adventure. Nowadays, she spends her days sleeping on my side of the bed and stealing my chips. Man’s best mate, right?

Don’t you love Stamford in autumn? Reminds me of my college days, back when the only thing you had to worry about was A-levels and who you’d ask to the leavers’ ball. Of course, had we known each other then, I reckon I would’ve asked you ;)

***

Finn Nelson’s eyes fluttered as he poured two tea cups full to the brim, his girlfriend’s monotonous voice flowing over him like a blanket. He shook his fringe out of his eyes, dropping the teapot to the table with a loud clunk. Olivia jumped, her voice tapering off. He smiled sheepishly.

“Soz, Liv,” he said through a yawn, reaching for the milk and sugar. She looked at him curiously as she reached for her cup.

“Did you sleep alright?” she asked, Finn meeting Digsy’s eyes from across the room. She blew out a sigh, side-eying Olivia before returning to her bowl. Finn coughed through a snort and nodded. She stirred sugar into her cup and took a sip.

“What day’s your dad’s rehearsal dinner again?”

Finn grimaced and rubbed his jaw.

“Sunday,” he replied, “D’ya think he’d take an early wedding present so we don’t have to go?”

“Finn, it’s your father,” she chuckled, shaking her head. Finn groaned and rolled his neck. He was thrilled his dad was getting remarried and his bride-to-be Felicity Stringfellow was perfectly nice but the thought of his college ex being his step-sister made his stomach turn.

“Don’t forget to meet Stacey Friday at noon, yeah?” she continued. Finn nodded with a pout and looked at his watch. He finished his tea off before leaning over the table to kiss Olivia’s cheek.

“Gotta go get ready,” he said, standing and going towards the bedroom, “See ya tonight.”

Finn cracked the door behind him and Digsy slid through, jumping to the bed. He sighed with a smile as she sprawled over his pillow and he sat down next to her, pulling his laptop from the side table. He sat still and waited to hear Olivia’s heels clicking down the hall and out the door before he opened it, running a finger over the mouse to wake it. His email appeared, a new message notification flashing, and he clicked it, biting back a smile as he started to read.

snakebitesupernova: Isn’t it bizarre how we never crossed paths all these years living in the same town? It feels like we’ve known each other forever, despite only having met on an Oasis fansite.

Imagine if we hadn’t argued over their best album (it’s ‘What’s the Story’ in case you forgot). Now, all I can think is, ‘Wonder what bollocks fknhangthedj78 will come up with this time!’

Unfortunately, I wasn’t quite lame enough to go to my leavers’ ball--but I reckon I would’ve made an exception for you ;P

***

Nothing could remove the smile from Rae’s face as she walked briskly to Town Records. Not spilling coffee down her front two minutes before leaving the flat. Not the neighbor’s yapping dog barking at top volume all morning. Not even the Green Lane arseholes who harassed her every other day.

“Burn down the disco,” Rae sang under her breath as she unlocked the door and entered the shop, “Hang the blessed DJ.”

She bounded around the shelves, straightening and preparing to open and Izzy, her mate and the shop’s social media manager, watched her wide-eyed.

“What’s gotten into you?” she asked, laughing a bit. Rae only winked, moving to her side and linking their arms.

“Don’t you miss our college days, Iz?” she sighed, smiling as she ran over the email in her mind again. Izzy raised her brows and laughed again.

“You hated college, Rae.”

“Right,” she replied, a nervous laugh bubbling from her throat. Izzy’s eyes narrowed at her and a sly smile came across her face.

“You’re in love, aren’t you?”

“Yes, Izzy, I’m madly in love with my gay roommate, the one and only man in my life,” Rae scoffed, scrunching her nose at her.

Izzy shook her head, her smile widening.

“What about your online friend?”

Rae bit her cheek, cursing the time she’d had too many Tia Maria’s and let slip her pen pal secret.

“Don’t be ridiculous...we’re just mates—not even mates! More acquaintances,” she said hastily, waving a hand, “I don’t even know his name.”

Izzy went to speak again when the front door bell chimed and her best mate Chloe shuffled through the door, her arms wrapped around herself.

“It’s bloody freezing out there,” she started, coming behind the counter and shedding her jacket, “What’re we talking about?”

“Rae’s online friend--”

“Izzy!”

Chloe tutted and shook her head.

“Y’should try meeting people organically, babes, that internet stuff is dangerous.”

“If I did that, I’d be alone forever, Chlo,” she retorted before clapping her hands, “Let’s open up, ladies!”

***

“--electrician is gonna be late because his wife’s in labor,” Chop said, ticking items off a clipboard, “The record shelves as well--some infestation on the truck or summat.”

Finn nodded along as he continued listing issues and plans throughout the worksite, not hearing a word.

“We also got a ticket for a few workers pissing off the roof,” Chop finished, shaking his head and pulling at his tie.

“Nice one,” Finn replied, “When’s the electrician in?”

“I knew you weren’t fucking listening,” Chop groused, smacking Finn in the arm with the clipboard, “His wife’s in labor, knobhead.”

Finn reddened and he grinned sheepishly, shoving him back.

“S’pose I’m a bit distracted.” Chop waggled his brows at him.

“You finally proposed to Liv, huh?” Finn’s head snapped to him and he shook his head with a furrowed brow.

“Of course not,” he said hastily, Chop’s mouth twisting at him, “I mean, she’s great and I proper fancy her and all…”

“When she’s not boring you to tears, y’mean,” Chop continued, dodging Finn’s cuff to his shoulder.

“We need to announce ourselves,” Finn changed the subject, clapping his hands as he looked around their almost finished entertainment store.

No Crap Entertainment, better known as NCE, was set to open Saturday, provided he and Chop could work out all the kinks. His father, Gary, was trusting him with this one, since he’d proven himself well enough helping him with other business matters over the years. He’d brought Chop on as his partner and fully planned to make this the best music store in Stamford.

“There’s not much competition--we bought out that tiny reggae shop across the way. And then there’s Town Records, of course.”

Finn bit his cheek, thinking of his old college stomping grounds. He loved Town, loved the atmosphere...it hadn’t changed much since then but he knew it was under different management since Rob had passed away.

“They’re gonna hate us at first but we have the better package. We’re multifaceted,” Finn assured, clapping a hand to Chop’s shoulder, “We’re not just music--we’re an experience.”

A grin slowly grew on Chop’s face before he ruffled Finn’s hair, his nose wrinkling.

“You’re so full of shit!”

***

fknhangthedj78: My dad’s getting married again. His mates keep warning him off of it, saying he should cut his losses after the first time. He seems happy though, so I can’t complain.

Rae glanced up from her laptop, her head tilting in thought. She couldn’t imagine getting married once, let alone twice.

She looked over at Archie on the other side of the lounge, his finger twirling a ring around on his left hand as he watched the telly. She felt her throat burn and her eyes fill but quelled it when Archie met her eyes, giving her a curious look.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing...love ya, Arch.” He snorted, reaching over and squeezing her knee.

“I love ya too, Rae.”

***

snakebitesupernova: Since you mentioned college the other day, I’ve been rereading Pride & Prejudice. I can’t get over how they used to talk back then! So proper and stuffy but I love it...have you read it?

Finn opened the book to a random page, grimacing as he read a few lines. He felt Digsy next to him and he scratched her behind the ears, shaking his head at the book.

“Jesus Christ, can you believe this, girl?”

He went to the fridge for a beer and cracked it open, taking a long pull as he opened the book at the beginning. He skimmed the first page before tossing it to the counter, shooting a frown at Digsy.

“Shit’s for the birds.”

***

“Now, don’t freak out, Rae--”

“Those fuckers have some nerve--”

“It’s just a sign,” Chloe reiterated, rolling her eyes, “Y’don’t own the word ‘town’.”

“It was deliberate! ‘Best record deals in town,’” Rae ranted, crossing her arms, “This is bullshit.”

“They’ve got nothing on Town,” Archie assured, his hands going to her shoulders.

“Look at all the discounts and promotions they’re offering,” Izzy gushed, scrolling through NCE’s website in awe. She looked up when she felt the others’ stares on her and she bit her lip, setting her phone down on the counter.

“She’s right, guys,” Chloe sighed, “They have more variety as well.”

“It’s nothing but mainstream crap. They’ll come running back,” Archie countered, not sounding entirely convinced himself. Rae’s face lit up slightly.

“Exactly! We’ll be the niche shop, yeah? If they don’t have it, we do,” she exclaimed, a sliver of hope creeping back.

“And vice versa,” Chloe commented, Rae raising a brow at her.

“Right. Supply and demand.”

Chloe raised her hands, exchanging shrugs with Izzy. Archie rubbed Rae’s shoulders and gave her a reassuring smile that she could barely return.

snakebitesupernova: I can’t help but feel like I’m wasting time. I live a simple life. I made it out of hospital and college and barely made it through uni and for what? To have the same job in the same dead end town? I sometimes wish I could go back and do it all again but what would change? Change is supposed to be good... I know I should be brave and ‘roll with it’ but I’m so fucking scared

You don’t have to respond to this, I don’t mean to bang on about my existential crises but I know you’d understand better than anyone else would. You always do :)

#mmfd fanfic #mmfdfanfic #mmfdfanfiction #mmfd fanfiction #my mad fat diary fanfic #my mad fat diary fanfiction #my mad fat diary #mymadfatdiary #sabotage #youvegotmail

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cottoncandyacid · 5 years

Text

HAPPY PAN VISIBILITY DAY

Hello

Happy Pan visibility day!

Today is to recognize all the pan people out there who are still in the closet and people who are out of the closet and identify is pansexual.

Today I want to share something with u guys!

When I was 12 (I'm 17 1/2 now) I was living with my Christan and VERY homophobic grandparents.

One day they caught me on my ipad when I was trying to set a alarm clock. They thought I was doing something sneaky on it and took it away. Now I was going though a very sad time in my life and that thing was the thing that made me happy (I did art on it). They asked me what the password was. And being 12 I didn't want to tell them because I had that I was pan, garence shit, and my "secret girlfriend" (I had met her in real life she was and still is my best friend!) on their. So I told them the wring password. They threatened to smash my iPad. I was devastated. So I had to tell them.

I told them I was pan and gender fluid (between girl and non-binary). And being grandparents they didn't get any of what I was talking about. All they knew was bi, gay, and transgender so.... Yeah. I went to sleep and they were so mad at me.

The next day my grandma wakes me up, yelling at me telling me to wake up. I don't know what the hell was going on. They said they looked up what pansexual meant on the internet/Google.

( now all of u should know if u look up on Google 'door frames' and u scroll on images a inappropriate pic is going to pop up...and it did)

They said they saw a inappropriate pic and yelled at my saying what I choose to be was SO wrong. They strated to put me down for 'what I was' and I was like 'ok u do u boo' and kinda shrugged it off. They called up my mom (thank GOD she took the day of) and said to pick me up to live with her. I knew this was going to come at some point.

I went to go live with my mom.

I went to my CHRISTIAN school and everyone knew and everyone isolated me. I was so sad. Even the TEACHERS were putting me down.

I kept some if my friends (like 1 ) and my girlfriend.

A few years past and my mom decided to homeschool me for highschool.

Then I met them.

THE GREATEST MOST WERID PEOPLE IN THE WORLD.

Josh

Emma

Linda

Andrew

Haden

Josephine

Izzy

Xander

And...

I think that's it?

They r the best friends ever! I love them with all my heart!

I couldn't do it without them

So if I helped just 1 person have the courage to come out I have done my job!

(and at my mom's house I can draw garence shit!)

#tag #pride #tumblr #pans #panseuxal #lgbtq community #coming out #story #my life #lgbtq #lgbtq pride #lgbtqipa

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takaraphoenix · 6 years

Note

“I want a dog.” - “I want a cat.” Jagnus

“Pansexual, huh?”, grunted Jace curiously, tilting his head.

Isabelle grinned and tucked her hair behind her ear. “It’s what Simon calls it. Never heard that before either, to be honest. But the color-combination is interesting.”

Apparently, Simon was pansexual – whatever that meant – and was going on a pride. And as his new girlfriend, Isabelle was going with him. Shadowhunters barely had a grasp on gay and bisexual and neither was quite tolerated. That there was even more…? Jace, sprawled out on Izzy’s bed in boredom, looking over her shoulder onto her laptop. She was working on some color-coded clothes for the pride. She also wanted to drag Alec along, because it might help him settle with his sexuality more. He was still struggling a little. He might have come out, but he still struggled with living it out in the open. He had been endearingly flustered when John Underhill had asked him out on a date the other week. Izzy and Jace were still having fun teasing him with that.

“There are a lot of sexual orientations, you know?”, offered Simon with a broad grin. “Don’t tell me the big, bad Shadowhunter’s always ever just seen… straight.”

“I’ve just never thought about… a name for it”, shrugged Jace thoughtfully, looking over at Simon. “I don’t really care. Girls, guys, Seelies, vampires, warlocks… whatever.”

“Maybe you should read up on it too?”, suggested Simon, one eyebrow raised.

“Oh, that color-scheme is nice”, noted Isabelle, not minding their conversation.

Tilting his head, Jace turned to look over her shoulder again. Black, gray, white, magenta. Yeah, that looked more like a color-combo that Izzy could rock. He scoffed lightly when he read what that was the flag off. Crossing his arms behind his head, he collapsed back onto the bed.

“Don’t tell me you’re aphobic, Jace”, grunted Simon with a frown.

“I just don’t get it”, shrugged Jace with a frown. “How can you not want sex at all? It’s fun. And how can you not want anyone at your side…? That’s just… lonely.”

“That’s not…”, started Simon and sighed. “That’s not what asexuality is, Jace.”

Jace frowned confused. He didn’t really have an understanding on any of this – all those mundie terms for what they liked in bed or didn’t like in bed. To Jace it all was just… whatever. But the way he saw it, the way the term made sense, asexual meant no sexuality.

“For one, asexual doesn’t mean aromantic. You can still want someone at your side even when you don’t want sex. And you can still want sex without wanting romance”, started Simon carefully. “And being asexual doesn’t have to mean you never have sex.”

“Yeah, that makes somehow even less sense, Lewis”, pointed Jace out, eyebrows raised.

“Being asexual means not experiencing sexual attraction. But not every asexual is sex-repulsed”, continued Simon. “Some are. Some don’t want any kind of sex. Others are very fine with masturbation, because orgasms are fun. Some don’t mind… uh… you know, getting each other off. Others don’t mind sex at all – for the, you know, release. It’s just that they don’t feel sexual attraction. That’s… really all there is to it.”

“My boyfriend is a walking encyclopedia of sexualities”, chuckled Isabelle amused.

Jace just frowned confused as Simon continued babbling on about the Pride and how excited he was to go with Izzy and how this could be a bonding moment for Simon and Alec and all.

/break\

“I did not expect you to tag along too, Jace”, noted Alec.

“I didn’t expect you to agree to this”, countered Jace amused. “Willingly spending time with Simon? And… you know, being this open about your sexuality.”

Alec shrugged, mildly uncomfortably. He had a rainbow button attached to his black shirt and that was the highest of his feelings, but it was still so much for him. Jace wore a pan button. He had never really thought about labels and such, but he figured there must be something to it. To feeling like being part of something – of a group. A community was what Simon had called it.

“I don’t know”, shrugged Alec, avoiding to look at Jace. “I… took John up on the date. And I figured I should… grow more comfortable with being open about it, because as soon as I start dating someone… I will have to learn to be more open about it.”

“Wow”, grunted Jace surprised, eyes wide.

“What… What about you, Jace?”, asked Alec gently, looking at him.

Jace paused and shrugged awkwardly, not looking at Alec. Everything had been awkward in those past three months. Since they had broken the possession. Since Clary had… died. Jace still didn’t know if he felt anything about that. The potion Magnus had brewed for Lilith, it had effectively broken any feelings he ever might have had for Clary. And even though Magnus gave his magic to break the possession, the potion had nothing to do with the possession, it was strong and irreversible magic. Sometimes, Jace was glad about it. They had told him he had loved Clary and her death would have only broken his heart anymore – with everything he was dealing with at the time, he didn’t know how well he could have been able to handle that on top of everything else.

Over the past three months, Jace had concentrated on getting better. He had been at the City of Bones for two months and had only returned back home three weeks ago. He was better now, mentally. Now he could focus on other things again. Like his sexuality, apparently.

“I’m not interested in anyone at the moment”, shrugged Jace. “I guess.”

“My, my. Unexpected colors on you, blondie.”

Blinking slowly, Jace turned to see Magnus Bane. He hadn’t really seen Magnus since his return from the City of Bones. It was mostly guilt, because Magnus had to give up his magic to save Jace. Apparently, while Jace had been gone, Magnus had gotten his magic back.

“Magnus”, stated Jace awkwardly.

The warlock looked gorgeous in bi-colors. Dramatic and fashionable as always. Handsome as always. Magnus smiled delighted, wrapping an arm around Alec’s shoulders. The two had become friends. While Magnus had flirted with Alec in the beginning, Alec had shot him down, being too deep in the closet at the time. So Magnus accepted it and settled for a good friendship, helping Alec come around on his own sexuality. It was good, seeing Alec actually make friends.

“Ah, so he does still know my name”, chuckled Magnus amused.

“Jace! I didn’t expect you to come along too!”, exclaimed Simon, interrupting them.

Jace scowled and scoffed as they started walking together. “Guess I’ve been… thinking about stuff. You made me think about it, I guess. I never really thought about sexuality before.”

“And you came to the conclusion that you’re pan?”, asked Simon with a broad grin.

Jace elegantly dodged him when Simon tried wrapping an arm around his shoulder. “Yeah.”

Only that being pan wasn’t the only thing he had been thinking about. He had also been thinking a lot about asexuality. It was weird, but the things Simon had said had really confused him, mainly. And the whole thing about sexual attraction and all… He tried reading up on it, on people’s individual experiences. But they all differed so much and he… he kind of wished he had someone to talk to. A real, actual human being who might be able to help him. It was borderline painful to consider asking, but Simon seemed to be the only one who had an actual grasp on anything so Jace might be forced to talk to Simon. What a horrible thought. Making a face, he watched Simon and Isabelle, dance around and kiss. Alec and Magnus next to him were talking casually.

“Why do you look constipated, Jace?”, asked Alec curiously after a little while. “If you’re uncomfortable here, then… you know you don’t have to be here.”

“No, it’s not that. This… is actually pretty cool”, whispered Jace, looking around at all those out and proud people. “I just… think I have to… talk to Simon. Because I might need his help.”

“How utterly dreadful”, noted Magnus. “Well, what is it? I have a few centuries on Simon, I might be of more help than him, you know?”

“I…”, started Jace, shifting a little. “I think… I think I might be… asexual.”

Alec nearly stumbled at that. “You? Sorry. I don’t mean it like that, I’m just… you have so much sex. Seriously, with everyone. Hence that… button?”

“That’s actually not what asexuality means”, supplied Jace. “And that’s why I’m confused. I figured that it was just… not having sex. Not wanting anyone. But it’s just… lack of sexual attraction.”

“But aren’t you more like… sexually attracted to nearly everyone?”, argued Alec doubtfully.

“Not… really, no. I never looked at someone and thought ‘damn, I really wanna have sex with them, in particular’…”, replied Jace with an awkward, little shrug. “I look for someone willing and take them home, without really, you know… thinking on it.”

“And you think Simon is the right person to talk to about your sex-life?”, mused Magnus.

“No”, grunted Jace and made a face. “But he seems to… know a lot about it and I’m just… I’m confused. I’ve been thinking about this for the whole last week and went like… through the different stages of grief or some shit. And I’m just… at my wits’ end.”

Magnus sighed and reached a hand out to rest on Jace’s shoulder, squeezing a little. “How about you come by the loft this weekend? I do know someone who is asexual. Talking to someone with personal experience is definitely more helpful than… Simon’s google search skills.”

“Really?”, asked Jace hopefully, perking up a little bit.

“Why—y are you back there? Come on, guys!”, interrupted Simon with a broad grin.

“He’s right. Come on, brothers”, ordered Isabelle, hooking arms with Jace and Alec.

With that, the conversation was ended rather abruptly, but it was still somehow… fun.

/break\

“I am only doing this for you, papá”, stated Raphael very pointedly. “Because I know what he means to you and because I owe you one for bringing me back to New York. But this is a one time thing, you hear me, papá?”

Magnus smiled pleased and pulled Raphael in to kiss his cheek. “Let’s not mention what he means to me in front of him, please, mijo?”

Raphael huffed but nodded. Magnus’ feelings for Jace did not have to be brought to Jace’s attention. The blonde had made it very clear over the past month that he didn’t care for Magnus’ company anymore. Not that Magnus could hold it against him. It was Magnus’ fault that Jace had lost the love of his life and now he couldn’t even properly mourn her because he didn’t remember ever having any sort of feelings for her. Magnus was the one who had made the potion, after all. It broke all feelings he had for her and as an after-effect to it, Jace had been fully possessed by Lilith. How could Magnus possibly expect Jace to ever return his feelings like that…?

It wasn’t like Magnus had planned to fall for Jace. It had happened gradually, after Jace had moved into the loft with him. Magnus had grown fond of Jace, more than just fond. Perhaps it had been a bit selfish to invite Jace here. He was still trying to make up for what he had done. Yes, he had given up his magic to get him back, had gone to Edom and talked to his father, all to get Jace back. But it still didn’t feel like enough. The potion had been a whole different issue though and Magnus was the one who had brought it on Jace. There was nothing he could have done about it.

“He—ey, Magnus”, greeted Jace awkwardly as he entered the loft. “So who-”

“Let’s get this over with and make it the least amount of painful, yes?”, sighed Raphael.

Jace stared wide-eyed at Raphael for an awkward, long moment. Raphael heaved a sigh and sat down on the couch, motioning for Jace to join him. He was mainly only doing this because he knew Magnus was in love with Jace, but a part of Raphael also did it because he remembered how lost he had felt for years, before the label asexuality was truly a thing to be used. He knew how out of touch the Shadowhunters were with the mundie world, they most likely had no idea about most of the newer terms when it came to sexuality. They were still stuck in their homophobic ways, he doubted they could look much past what else there was.

“Okay, tell me about it”, prompted Raphael, grabbing the glass of wine next to him that Magnus had provided. “Why are we here? Why do you think you might be asexual?”

Magnus left for the kitchen. Out of sight, but still in ear-shot. It was not okay to eavesdrop but he couldn’t help it. Jace all the while shifted uncomfortably, glaring. Raphael Santiago, of all people? The two… No, actually he might be a rather safe choice. The two had absolutely no personal history. Neither positive nor negative. A neutral party, in a away.

“I don’t think I’ve ever experienced sexual attraction”, stated Jace carefully. “I’ve had a lot of sex. But… But it was never about wanting to have sex with that particular person.”

Raphael had to admit, he was a bit intrigued. “Then what was it about for you?”

“Exercise, mainly”, shrugged Jace thoughtfully, pulling his legs up against his chest. “When missions aren’t satisfying enough, it gives me that last kick of adrenaline. Exhausting my body. Sometimes, it’s about… distraction. When I’m having a shitty day, because it’s…”

“It’s…?”, echoed Raphael when Jace didn’t continue.

“Let’s just say, Valentine wasn’t exactly into hugging and family-cuddles”, drawled Jace dryly. “I’m not exactly… used to seeking physical comfort. When I was a teen, I learned that sex is an acceptable form of physical comfort, I guess. I don’t know. Izzy and I, we got drunk a lot and went out to bars to hook up with people. And…”

“And it was kind of what was expected of you?”, suggested Raphael, voice nearly gentle. “A young, strong Shadowhunters, while everyone else was starting to have sex, it’s the thing to do?”

“Kinda, I guess”, shrugged Jace. “Yeah. And I realized it was a good way of blowing off steam and… it was oddly comforting. But I always… loved the part after more, I guess.”

Raphael sighed. Why had he allowed Magnus to drag him into this? He understood what Jace was talking about. Back in his youth, it had been the same for him. A young Latino not wooing the women, back in his day and age? It wasn’t exactly something a potent young man should skip out on. There was a certain social pressure and especially for a young man who had no idea that asexuality even existed…? That there was a term for it, that he wasn’t alone or broken…?

“And that’s it?”, asked Raphael, watching how shifty Jace was.

“No”, sighed Jace, running his fingers through his hair. “It’s… that… relationship with Clary. I mean, I don’t remember loving her, so I have a… neutral look on it and… it wasn’t… it wasn’t good. This girl really mainly wanted my body. She was constantly groping me, even before we got together and that’s kind of… rather inappropriate. And after we got together… After… After I died and absolutely no one but her knew about it, she… She came to my room, not to talk to me, to see how I was handling having died, she just… came to me to make out with me. On the second day we were together, when I was planning a romantic date, she… threw a fit afterward, about how I must not desire her because we hadn’t fucked. In the two whole days we had been together. Back then, I think, it were the pink glasses I was wearing that were so desperate for her attention. But now, when I look back… I just wanted to be… valued. Loved, I guess. I didn’t even really want to have sex with her, because I thought being in an actual relationship meant… more. But she wanted just the same things I had done before, for years. She… didn’t appreciate my attempt for a date at all, even though… that was all I really wanted from her. A proper relationship. Mundie dates, holding hands, all that… cheesy stuff, you know. She… wasn’t really interested in any of that. That was, I think, where I started really… questioning it. Myself. That something must be, you know, wrong with me. Dating a gorgeous girl but wanting everything but sex.”

Raphael nodded slowly, observing Jace carefully. “So you’re not… angry about the potion?”

“No”, huffed Jace with a frown. “I don’t think my love for Clary was ever a good thing. From the get-go. I jeopardized my relationship with Alec, I nearly got us all killed on multiple occasions. She… She brought out the worst in me, when she was around, all I could see was her and I put everyone else at risk, just because I never felt that way for someone and I didn’t know how to handle that. So I… became desperate for her attention… any kind of attention, even when it wasn’t the kind of attention I wanted. I wanted her to love me. Not just to desire me… I guess it’s biased for me to say it, since I don’t actually remember what it felt like to love her, but I’m glad I don’t anymore. What… good would it do me? She’s dead. I hear Isabelle and Simon cry about it sometimes, through the walls… But to me, it’s just… a stranger. So, what do people want? That I’d want my feelings for her back, so I can be heartbroken over her death…? No. She wasn’t good for me, our relationship wasn’t good for me. It literally got me killed once before, it would have gotten me killed again for good in the end, probably.”

“You truly think that your love for Clary is what got you killed?”, asked Raphael.

“She made me more reckless. I made her more reckless too. We weren’t good for each other”, shrugged Jace with a frown. “We went there, alone, just the two of us. And in the end, that’s what got me killed. Running head first into danger with someone as reckless as me. We wanted different things from each other and we brought out the worst in each other. We… we weren’t good together and it would have never ended well anyway.”

“And what is it you want?”, wanted Raphael to know. “Not sex, apparently.”

“I mean, I don’t mind it”, shrugged Jace. “Like I said, it’s… exercise. It’d be something I could do with my partner, I guess. I don’t know. So does that… Can I really be asexual then? I just…”

“Of course”, offered Raphael, his voice unusually warm. “If it is not what you truly desire. If you think you can go entirely without it. If you feel like asexual is the right thing to describe you.”

“Damn”, grunted Jace with a frown. “I didn’t expect you to be this… insightful? Understanding?”

“I remember what the struggle with myself felt like when I went through it”, replied Raphael after a beat. “Feeling like you are only half a man for not enjoying sex the way others expect of you…”

Jace paused and nodded slowly. Right. Raphael was older than he looked. Back in the day, it must have been even harder. It was an odd thing to think, but perhaps Raphael really did just understand what Jace was going through right now and just… provided some guidance that he himself had missed back then. Jace blinked a couple of times and sighed.

“But is it even possible to have such a relationship?”, asked Jace softly.

“Mh?”, grunted Raphael, frowning curiously. “A relationship without sex? Of course.”

“But for… me”, sighed Jace, rubbing his face. “Been doing so much soul-bearing, why not some more…?” He heaved another sigh and sat up straighter. “I can’t quite imagine someone loving me for who I am, I suppose. Love is… not exactly what Valentine liked teaching, you know? And the only thing that ever attracted people to me… is my body. I somehow can’t quite see it ending any differently than it did with Clary.”

“Here. You need a drink”, sighed Raphael and handed Jace a glass.

For the next two hours, the two of them drank, mostly accompanied with silence but also with some stories from Raphael, sharing about his own experiences. Jace seemed to relax more and more into it and talking to Raphael actually seemed to help settle his nerves.

/break\

An unexpected friendship started forming between Raphael and Jace, but both knowing they would earn odd looks from their respective peers, they continued on meeting at Magnus’ loft. Magnus slowly started to join their little meetings, the three of them enjoying the moonlight on the balcony. It took a few weeks before Magnus managed to naturally bring it up how he had thought that Jace was avoiding him. Raphael was running late with clan business.

“It’s good to see you again more often, puppy”, smiled Magnus gently.

A light blush lit up Jace’s face at the familiar but somehow old nickname. Magnus had given it to him when Jace had moved into the loft, saying Jace had looked like a sad, homeless puppy and that Magnus always took in strays in need of shelter. Jace somehow really liked the nickname.

“Mh…? It… really?”, asked Jace slowly, turning toward Magnus. “I… didn’t think you’d want to see me, because you… you lost your magic because of me.”

“I got it back. And I didn’t lose it, I willingly gave it up”, corrected Magnus. “I gave it up to save you, after… after I put you in danger. I made the potion that took your love for Clary away, that allowed you to be possessed by Lilith… I thought you were avoiding me, because you were still… angry about what I had done.”

“She… didn’t want what I wanted. And I didn’t want what she wanted. The logical and best solution would have been a break-up anyway. And… she’s dead, Magnus”, pointed Jace out, eyebrows raised. “And it’s not like you did what you did on purpose.”

“It might look that way though”, sighed Magnus and returned his attention to the moon.

“Why would you?”, scoffed Jace. “Unless you really hate me and wanted me to suffer.”

“Or I really loved you and… me using magic to break your love could easily be seen as me trying to kick the competition to the curb”, offered Magnus casually.

“Yeah, right”, snorted Jace before he started laughing.

He stopped surprised when Magnus didn’t join the laughter but rather looked subdued. Clearing his throat, Jace adjusted to also look out at New York again. Magnus, loving him…?

“So… you were in love with me…”, drawled Jace awkwardly.

“Am”, corrected Magnus cautiously. “I am in love with you, Jace. I worried so much about you while you were in the City of Bones and when you returned… I have to admit, I used every cabinet meeting trying to… get a glimpse of you… Getting over you was a nice concept, but it didn’t work. You being back only brought that back full force. Having you here, now… I just…”

“Mh…”, grunted Jace and nodded, still not looking at Magnus. “What… What do you… want…?”

“You”, offered Magnus honestly, turning to look at Jace’s profile, illuminated by the moonlight. “You know… I’ve… always thought I was strictly a cat-person. Always just wanted cats. Lots and lots of cats. But now I think… I don’t necessarily need cats. I think… I want a dog.”

“I want a cat”, replied Jace and tilted his head. “I mean, I don’t need a cat, but… since… the guy I like really likes cats, I wouldn’t mind cats…”

“But I’d prefer a gentle, soft puppy, if I can have him”, mused Magnus gently, reaching out to cup Jace’s cheek. “You wouldn’t have to… to hang out with cats, if that’s not what you want.”

“Please, stop talking in metaphors, that’s just painful to watch. Jace, Magnus loves you… for who you are. Magnus, Jace while willing to have sex, would like your relationship to focus on… other things. Now, I was promised wine”, interrupted Raphael with a sigh and a roll of his eyes.

Jace and Magnus were both mildly flustered as they turned to look at the exasperated vampire. Magnus cleared his throat and summoned the wine before turning toward Jace one last time.

“I’d like to take you out on a date, Jace”, offered Magnus gently. “And I’m more than willing to take the relationship at your pace. All I want is you, Jace.”

Jace gulped and blinked, unsure what to think of this. “O… Okay. Dazzle me, Bane.”

/break\

Magnus was good at dazzling. Jace couldn’t deny he had a crush on Magnus before, the man was absolutely gorgeous, inside and out. But dating Magnus effectively made Jace fall in love with the warlock. It was all about the romance, the gentle comfort. Dates, walks under the moonlight, traveling the world with portals. There was an insane amount of cuddling.

“Hey”, whispered Magnus with a gentle smile, lifting the blanket.

It was late, or early, depending on how one looked at the night. Jace had just gotten home from a long-running mission. Home. The loft had become home again three months into dating Magnus, because he loved to be with Magnus, to fall asleep in the warlock’s arms, be kissed awake by his boyfriend, have breakfast in bed with Magnus. Groaning softly, Jace collapsed face-first onto the bed. Magnus smiled and carefully pulled the blonde closer until Jace could properly curl against him his head resting on Magnus’ chest and nuzzling against him.

“I love you”, whispered Jace softly.

Magnus’ fingers stilled in Jace’s hair, the warlock laying stiff for a second. “Not… how I expected for you to to tell me that you loved me for the first time.”

Jace paused and slowly looked up. “Is… Is that really…”

“The first time you told me that you love me?”, asked Magnus amused. “Yes, it is.”

“…Ooops?”, offered Jace sheepishly. “I thought I…” He paused and frowned. “I… I didn’t expect to really fall in love with you, but… I did. I love you. I love you. And it… feels right to say. Yeah.”

The smile Magnus offered him at that made his heart flutter. And while Jace knew Magnus desired him, he knew by the looks, the intensity of Magnus’ eyes, he knew that Magnus loved him. They did have sex, because Jace didn’t really mind, but he only felt secure enough in their relationship after he had moved in with Magnus. Feeling like sex was not the only thing Magnus would want from him. That it was more like a bonus. And for Jace, it was still a good outlet for stress, a great coping mechanism and a good way for exercise. He also found that it helped deepen the trust between himself and Magnus. And now he was just absolutely in love with the warlock.

“I love you too, puppy”, whispered Magnus with gentle eyes before kissing Jace.

And oh he did. He had thought he loved Jace before, but ever since they got together? How affectionate and cuddly Jace could be, when he trusted someone, loved someone. Magnus smiled as his cuddly puppy snuggled up to him, sprawled out on top of the warlock, seeking warmth and affection – something Magnus was more than willing to give, knowing he got it back in return.

Slight change of schedule, because what’d be a better time to post my first asexuality-headcanon fic if not Asexual Awareness Week? ;)

Read this here on FFNet & here on AO3

#jagnus #divergent-raven #magnus bane #jace herondale #shadowhunters #asexual jace #phoe's tumblr drabbles #OTP: keep it in your pants

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yutasbirthchin · 5 years

Text

It’s Complicated

Text AU ft BAP and BTOB - Part 31

Previous / Next

a/n: I wanted a way to give a short update/add some story to some of the characters so here ya go. Also I get to introduce my favourite character!! I hope y'all love her as much as I do.

Junhong watched you peacefully sleeping and it filled his heart with joy, you were beautiful and you were his. But then he frowned. You hadn't shed a tear, in fact you'd barely spoken since you'd found out Mina was pregnant. He was worried about you. He was worried that he might lose you and, even worse, that you might actually believe Mina. He'd never had sex with her, of course he hadn't, he was loyal to you. The only exception being the occasional kiss with Mina to keep their relationship believable.

He had called his mother earlier to tell her about the Mina situation and she was on his side, which he was grateful for, he'd worried that Mina's family might have gotten to her first and filled her head with lies. He wondered if ‘dating’ Mina had ever been the right thing to do. As annoying as it was he would do anything to keep you, and that's what he had done. But was it the right decision? He didn't know. He didn't know where Mina would take things next, and that scared him. He shuffled forward in the bed slightly, tightening his grip around you waist so that he was closer to you. You stirred but didn't wake up. Junhong pressed a kiss to your head and smiled. He loved you more than anything.

Yongguk woke up to the feeling of kisses being peppered all over his face. He kept his eyes closed, pretending to be asleep but it wasn't long until he lost control and his lips pulled up into his usual gummy smile. He opened his eyes to see his girlfriend perched up in the bed leaning over him, his smile got wider. “Morning, baby.” He said, placing a hand on either cheek and pulling her down towards his lips. He then moved his hands down to her waist, pulling her down for a cuddle.

She snuggled into him and lay there enjoying the warmth but after a while Leyla struggled in his arms. “Awww, come on baby, I have to get up!” Yongguk shook his head.

“I don't want to let go.”

Leyla giggled, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “Well if you get up with me now we can have a shower and get dressed and eat together and you’ll have spent more time with me than if you just cuddle me for five more minutes.”

Yongguk made a noise as if he was thinking it over. “Sounds like a good idea.” He said eventually, but didn't loosen his embrace.

“You're so predictable.” She replied, rolling her eyes but she had a massive smile on her face. Yongguk went to kiss her but she dodged it. He tried again, but she maneuvered away. He pouted at her, making her laugh. “I love you.” Leyla placed a hand on his cheek, leaning in to kiss him.

“I love you too.” He said against her lips.

“Now come on.” Leyla shrugged his arms off, sitting up and grabbing his hand. “Time to get up.” she finished as she stood up, dragging him with her.

Sungjae groaned at the body squirming around on top of him and pulled the cover up over his head, only to have it pulled back. “Daddy, daddy, it's time to get up!!”

He looked over at Jess who was chuckling to herself. “It’s supposed to be your turn to get him up.” He whispered and she shrugged.

“He likes you more.”

“You’re lucky I love you.” He said as he sat up, coming face to face with Jess’ four year old.

“Daddy!!” Sam squealed in excitement and jumped on him, enveloping him in a big hug. Sungjae’s grumpiness dissolved, as it always did when he laid eyes on the adorable toddler.

“Good morning, Sammy.” He hugged him back and pecked his cheek before leaning forward to whisper in his ear. “Shall we jump on Mommy to wake her up too?” Sam nodded his head enthusiastically, a huge smile playing out on his face. Sungjae counted down silently on his hands and when he reached one the two of them pounced on Jess who was not expecting the attack and screamed in laughter.

Sungjae sat back watching Sam and Jess play around and couldn’t stop the pull of his lips. If you’d have asked him four or five years ago he would have said there is no way on God’s green earth that he would have ever dated a girl who already had a child. But three years ago when he’d met Jessica and her one year old he didn’t think twice about it. He was convinced it was the best decision he’d ever made.

He got up and stretched, walking around to the other side of the bed to pick up Sam, swinging him around and making him giggle. “Come on little one, let’s get you ready for preschool.”

Changsub walked into his class late as usual, receiving a roll of the eyes from his professor. What did he expect? Did he really think Changsub was going to get out of bed early enough to make a 8 o'clock class? Of course not. His eyes landed on Helen, sat at the back of the class away from everybody else. He didn't understand why no one had tried to talk to her, she was gorgeous and seemed nice. He chose to sit in the same row, but a few seats down as he didn't want to make it obvious. She turned her head and watched him and he sat down. Their eyes met so he smiled and she smiled back. She had an amazing smile, the type that draws you in. He really couldn't understand why everyone avoided her, she was the type of beauty that should have guys falling at her feet.

After emptying the contents of his bag he realised he didn't have a pen. He leant forward and tapped the shoulder of the guy in front of him to ask for a pen, but he didn't have one. Suddenly Changsub wished he hadn't sat so far in the back, but then he heard tapping on his right and turned to see Helen holding out a pen to him. “Oh, thank you.” He whispered, taking the pen. She didn't say anything, turning her attention back the the class.

“Here's your pen back.” Changsub said at the end of his class, reaching the pen out to Helen. She took it and put it back in her bag, giving him a smile as she turned to leave the room. “Hey, Helen.” He called out to her and she turned to look at him. “You look really pretty today.”

Thank you.

Changsub blinked after her in confusion. He definitely understood what she’d said, but he hadn't heard it. What just happened?

Ilhoon stood near the entrance to the campus, waiting for Peniel. He hadn't expected to see him walking towards campus hand in hand with Amelia. He watched as the two of them got closer to the gates and then said their goodbyes. The arms wrapping around his waist made him jump and he turned to see the Izzy’s adorable face. “Hey, baby.” He said as he leant down to kiss her.

“Hey! Is Peniel here yet?”

“Yeah.” Ilhoon pointed her attention to the couple. “He's over there with Amelia.”

Izzy looked at them and then back at her boyfriend. “She looks happy.”

He nodded and then looked down at his girlfriend. “It doesn't bother you, does it?”

She shook her head. “No. I trust that you love me. And I think I'd feel the same about an old best friend of mine, even if I didn't have a crush on them. I'd want to make sure they're happy.”

Ilhoon pressed another kiss to her lips, and she smiled into it. “I don't deserve you.”

“Nuh-uh it's the other way around.” She said against his lips as she wrapped her arms around his neck.

“Whew, calm down you two. We're in a public place.” Peniel said, making them both jump away from each other. They all laughed.

“We saw you with Amelia, you guys are so cute!” Izzy exclaimed and Peniel smiled, his ears turning red. “Awwwwww! You're blushing!”

“Leave the poor guy alone, you. Don't tease him.” Ilhoon told Izzy, playfully. She mock frowned, pushing her bottom lip out as far as it could go.

“You guys are cute too.” Peniel said with a laugh.

Daehyun smiled to himself, things were different and he liked that. A few months ago they were just two friends who would spend their Tuesdays together before going to afternoon classes, but now they were more than that.

Their hands bumped into each other for what felt like the thousandth time and this time Daehyun gave in, grabbing Youngjae’s hand. Unfortunately Youngjae immediately froze and pulled his hand away. Daehyun sighed, he should have expected that, Youngjae had the same reaction every time he tried to hug him or put an arm around him.

They carried on walking in silence, before finding their usual bench and taking a seat. “Youngjae it-”

“I’m sorry.” Youngjae cut him off, catching Daehyun off guard. “I’m sorry I just… I… I don’t know.”

“You don’t have to apologise. I was going to say it’s okay.”

“I don't think I can do this.” Youngjae leant back and ran his hands through his hair. “Why is everything so hard?”

“Because it's new. It's like if you had an accident and ended up with a big scar, or even if you had a spot. You're insecure about it, you think that everyone is looking at you and all they see is the scar or spot and they judge you. And heck, some people probably are but after time you learn to live with it and you stop caring. It's the exact same concept. You feel like everyone is paying attention to you and watching your every move so that they can judge you any time you do something ‘gay’. It's okay to feel like that, it's normal and you don't have to apologise to me for it.”

Youngjae nodded taking a deep breath. “Thank you, Dae.”

“Don't mention it.” He replied, reaching a hand out to squeeze Youngjae's thigh.

“I'm really glad I have you.” Youngjae mumbled to himself.

Jongup was sat in the library working on a draft of his essay. He heard a bang and looked to find the source of it, then he smiled.

“Shit. Fuck. Ouch. Yes, I’m fine thank you, don’t worry. Fuuuck. Oh. Yeah. Thank you.” Olivia caught his eye and rushed towards him, balancing all her belongings in her arms.

“Nice entrance.” Jongup said as she sat down next to him.

“Fuck that hurt.” She said, rubbing her knee. “I don’t even know what I tripped on.”

“Knowing you, probably nothing.”

“Shut it, Jongup. You’re right, but shut it.” He looked over her as she sorted her things out. Hair in a messy bun, the white t-shirt that she’d obviously spilt coffee on (again), the bright green tracksuit bottoms, black flip flops that looked like they would fall apart any second. She was a mess, as always. “What?” Olivia asked when she noticed him looking.

“You look like shit.”

She laughed. “When do I not? I fucking spilt my coffee again this morning. AGAIN.”

“You should really stop wearing white.” He responded as he reached in his bag for the old t-shirt he always carried around for cases like these. “Here you go.”

“Thank you! Honestly, Jongup, you’re a godsend. I’ll get it back to you tomorrow.”

“I know you won’t listen, because you never do, but you may as well keep it because all I ever do is carry it around with me incase you need it.”

“I’ll get it back to you tomorrow.” She repeated, standing up to go and change. True to her nature she tripped and if it wasn’t for Jongup catching her she would have fallen.

“Jesus, Liv. Be careful.”

“Unfortunately my clumsiness is on such a high level that being careful makes no difference.”

Jongup shook his head as he watched her leave. “Cute.”

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festiveboydanielhowells · 6 years

Text

figuring things out (chapter 4)

Summary: Prince Daniel of Eithoia has been seeing Lord Philip in private for years, despite his marriage to Princess Isabella. Up until now, it was never an issue for the three to be together. No one anticipated for the Princess to have an urgent announcement, and now anticipated that it would impact Dan and Phil and their countries as much as it did. [for some reason, it isn’t inserting the proper italics and I relly too much on italics in my writing so please go read on ao3 if you want a Proper Reading Experience!]

Warnings: pregnancy, smut, mentions of violence, swearing, vomiting

Tags: fluff, (horribly written) smut, royalty AU, polyamory, pregnancy

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Twelfth of January

Opal Palace, Opal City

Dan wants to stay exactly here forever, but it’s ten a.m. and someone is shouting, “Philip Michael Lester!” through the door. Phil hasn’t woken up yet, how he hasn’t yet is an absolute miracle, and Dan knows that Isabella hasn’t been sleeping well and tonight might’ve been the first night she got a full eight hours of sleep.

So, he takes it upon himself to be the one to open the door; he gets out of bed and puts his pants on. The door swings open as he’s buttoning a pair of trousers and he’s face-to-face with a maid holding a tray. She pays him no attention and waltzes in, “You always sleep in after parties, so I decided to take you breakfast again. Your father will not stop talking about the weddings coming up and—” she looks up at him and seems to realize that she’s not talking to Phil.

She puts the tray on the dresser and curtsies. “Your Highness, I’m Julia, Philip’s maid.” She introduces herself and sticks out her hand; Dan shakes it with unsteady hands. He’s not sure why, but he feels as if he needs to gain her approval. Perhaps it’s the knowledge that she sees Phil more than he does, perhaps he just needs to put on his King persona and act like a functioning adult. He isn’t completely sure what compels him to, but he nods, and uncomfortably excuses himself to the bathroom.

He leans against the door of the bathroom and takes a steadying breath because holy shit he’s such an embarrassment; he thinks that if he’s in the bathroom he might as well get ready for the day. It’s not as if he’s going to eat breakfast (he doesn’t even know if Julia brought them all breakfast, he hopes she manages to get some before Isabella wakes up). He brushes his teeth and skips washing his face, choosing instead to quickly splash himself with cold water in order to fully wake up. He climbs into the shower and scrubs himself with some of Phil’s body wash—which shouldn’t be as comforting as it is, but he likes the smell of Phil. It smells like home, cinnamon and spice, and a bit of woodsy smell.

When he emerges from the bathroom to get clothes, he has a towel wrapped around his waist. He hopes that Julia isn’t uncomfortable with it, he’s planning on climbing back into the bathroom anyways. He grabs a black sweater, a pair of pants and a pair of grey trousers.

Phil has woken up and is eating a slice of toast with his glasses on the brim of his nose. He and Julia are speaking in hushed whispers. “Did you see him? Holy shit, he’s hot, Phil,” Julia whispers after Dan scurries back into the bathroom.

“Trust me, I’m aware,” Phil assures her. “The boy is so pretty.”

“So,” she says, keeping her volume low, “did, you know, anything happen?”

Phil shakes his head, “You care too much about my sex life,” He laughs at her. “If it’s that important to you, you should get your own.” He points out, she shakes her head.

“God, no. The last boy I dated was a dick.” She mutters.

“I know, I just can’t help but think that you haven’t had a boyfriend or girlfriend since I’ve come here.” He points out.

“I’m not gay!” She shrieks playfully, and Phil rolls his eyes.

“I’ve seen the way you look at that one girl, what’s her name, Sydney?” Phil laughs, “Besides, do you really think I’m about to judge your sexuality crises?”

She lets out a sad laugh as Dan sits down (fully clothed) next to them on the floor. “What are we chatting about?” He asks, adopting the whisper that the other two were speaking in earlier. He points to Phil’s toast, “Izzy will murder you if you forget to share that.” And Phil waves him off.

“How long are you planning on staying?” Phil asks, nudging Dan’s shoulder.

“I’m not sure. Whenever you get sick of us we’ll call someone to pick us up or hail a cab.” He says.

“There’s no way in hell a cab will take you between the two countries.” Julia points out.

“Actually, most of them will assist you if you’re the prince of the country you’re headed to,” Dan states. “Probably because they assume I’ll tip them good, and I do.”

“I suppose being royalty has its perks,” Julia says begrudgingly. “Don’t you ever feel sort of bad that the rest of us don’t have that?” She asks.

“I feel horrible, but don’t you like the fact that you don’t have to handle an entire country?” Dan asks and pulls his phone out of his back pocket. Julia nods. “Oi, Philly, Isabella has a doctor’s appointment Saturday morning. We’ll leave at around lunchtime. Hold on, I have to call someone back.”

He stands and heads to the back of the room while Phil and Julia sit in silence and enjoy their meal. Isabella begins stirring and so Phil taps her shoulder and manages to get her to join the world of the living through the temptation of eggs and jelly toast.

“So,” Julia starts, focusing the conversation on a very sleepy Isabella. “How’s the baby?”

Izzy yawns and shrugs. “She’s good. Got a good amount of sleep last night.” Julia doesn’t attempt anymore conversation with Izzy after that.

While Isabella is earnestly eating her breakfast, Julia gives Phil a hug and a kiss on his forehead, before leaving out the door. Phil heads into the bathroom to get ready for the day, and heads out wearing a towel.

Isabella shuffles off of the bed, and Phil smiles widely at her. She flips him off and trudges into the bathroom.

Dan returns to Phil, his phone in hand. “The car will be here around one-thirty, so Izzy and I will probably start getting ready around one.” He says, closing the distance between both of them and putting his hands on Phil’s hips.

“I’ve missed you,” Dan murmurs against Phil’s neck and Phil laughs and kisses his head. “What? I’ve missed being able to do this,” He gives Phil a deep kiss, “and this,” he moves his lips down Phil’s neck, sucking and nibbling, “and this,” He rolls their hips together and rejoins their lips. He pulls away, looking at him lovingly, “and if you really want, you might get a blowjob.”

That gets Phil excited, because he’s spent too many nights alone with just his hand and sultry text messages. And, sure, a blowjob at eleven a.m. isn’t the classiest form of sex but neither really care because all of the sudden, Dan mouth is moving steadily against his and it’s perfect.

It isn’t sloppy or rushed, it’s slow and languid and intentional. When Phil allows his mouth to open and Dan slips his tongue in, Phil knows that Dan isn’t just trying to get off. Phil feels a sudden surge of love for Dan and backs them both up until they’re making out against the door.

Dan grinds his hips against Phil’s and Phil can’t help but moan into the kiss at the friction. They’re both hard, and the knowledge that Dan wants him as much as he wants Dan makes him want to cry with relief. Dan begins moving down Phil’s neck until he’s at his nipples. He stays there for a bit, licking and twisting both of them before he leaves a trail of bites and nips to Phil’s naval.

Phil watches as Dan folds onto his knees and looks into Phil’s eyes as a silent request for consent, “Fuck, yes, Dan,” Phil groans, thrusting his hips a little. “Just get on with it.”

Isabella, goddamn her terrible timing, waltzes out of the bathroom. Dan rocks back on his heels and runs his tongue over his teeth, “Did I interrupt?” She asks, but she sounds like she knows exactly what she just interrupted.

“Slightly,” Dan sounds worn out.

“Well, I could always join you,” she offers, kneeling down next to Dan, and Phil really just wants some sort of friction. She pulls Dan into a long and languid kiss, and without even realizing it, Phil’s hand has started palming himself through the fabric of the towel. Sure, the pressure is nice, but it really isn’t enough. It makes him want more, but Dan and Izzy are really taking their time.

Izzy pulls away from Dan, “It really isn’t fair that Phil’s the only one naked, is it?” He asks her, and she blushes a bit.

“What are you going to do about that?” She asks coyly, and Dan begins to work on pulling her shirt off over her head. Phil’s breath catches for a moment at how large her stomach has gotten, how she literally glows, but then his dick catches up with the view and strains against the towel fabric. When Dan begins to work on unlatching her bra and kissing down her neck, she lets out a high-pitched breathy moan, and Phil bucks into his hand.

He kneels on the floor and begins working on kissing down her breasts. He’s learned from Dan that her nipples are as sensitive as Phil’s, if not more. “Phil,” She murmurs breathily, “Want—want you to fuck me.”

Phil lets out a shaky breath at that, “B-but the baby,” He starts to say, but Dan’s ahead of him.

“The baby will be fine, honey,” Dan assures his fiancé. “Come on, let’s move to the bed.”

Dan picks Izzy up bridal style and placed her on the bed before returning to kissing down her breasts like Phil had been doing earlier. Phil stroked his cock a couple of times through the towel before letting it drop to the floor. Dan’s working on taking on every bit of clothing on Izzy, even though he’s wearing an inappropriate amount still.

Phil walks over, and God he wishes he was sexy but he knows he’s not, over to the two people on the bed. Dan’s leaving a hickey on her inner thigh and Phil might not have a preference for women, but he really likes Isabella.

She spreads her legs and guides Dan’s head from her thighs to in between her legs, and Phil can’t see what Dan is doing but he can make an educated guess from the moans that Isabella is giving out. His cock twitches at the noises, and he wraps his hand around it and gives it a couple of half-hearted tugs to alleviate the pressure tugging behind his balls.

“Phil,” She says, breathless, “You just going to watch or you going to join?”

He scrambles to the bed and takes Dan’s place in between Izzy’s legs. “Condom,” She groans, and Dan’s way ahead of her, tossing Phil a silver packet from the top drawer. He rolls the condom over his cock before looking at her, “Get on with it, Lester,” She grunts.

He complies, shifting his hips so that the head of his cock is against her hole before shifting his hips forewords slowly. She grits her teeth and shifts her hips around until she’s pushing back on his cock. It was only a matter of time before Dan started talking them both through it, him being a kinky little shit, and he needs to be involved somehow. It would feel uncomfortable to Phil if he was just watching them and not saying anything.

He leans down to kiss Isabella when he hears Dan grunt, “He’s good, right?” Into Isabella’s ear, making her laugh into Phil’s mouth. Obviously, he’s just dicking around with that statement, but his voice drops an octave with the next words he says as Phil begins to build up a steady rhythm. “He’s big though, fills up just the right ways,” He says, and Phil hears Izzy’s breathing hitch. “Oh, come on,” He taunts her. “Show our guest how good you can be, you can do better than this, right? I know he’s doing better than I do, he always does, so show him.”

She grabs Dan’s collar and pulls him into a rough kiss, before releasing him. He lets his mouth wander from hers and begins kissing down her breasts until he reaches his nipples again. She lets out a sultry moan, “Go faster, you fucker,” She grunts. Dan pulls away from her and sticks out his tongue with a giggle.

“Oh my God, ask politely you shrub,” He gives her a kiss on the lips, and she pulls apart with her hand on his throat. “Oh, what, you gonna choke me?” He taunts, and she tightens her hand, “You’re going to get the opposite effect that you’re going for, babe.” She lets her hand drop, instead, she chooses to caress his shoulders lightly.

It isn’t until Dan pulls out his leaking cock from his black trousers that Phil really begins to pick up the pace. The fact that Dan’s gone this whole time without any friction is too hot, and he feels his balls draw closer to his body. Phil comes undone, giving Isabella a sloppy kiss on the lips and spilling into the condom with no warning. “Fuck,” she grunts into his mouth as he slides out of her.

He abandons the tied condom in the trash by the bed, and when he returns, Dan is knelt in between her legs again. He’s fisting his cock in one hand and working Isabella with the other—he supposes that he needs to work on having sex with women. How is he supposed to know if she’s cum yet? Will it be obvious? He’d only ever been with Isabella once before now but he’d never been inside of her, was it even a good experience for her?

He makes a mental note to ask her those things later, and instead makes himself home on his bed while Dan works himself and Izzy through their orgasms and come back to lay with him.

“We should shower,” Dan announces.

“Well, we just did,” Izzy points out, “But you two just couldn’t keep it in your pants, could you?” Phil blushes, but Dan fires back.

“Oh, okay, so you joining was just a pity fuck right?” He gives her a look of somehow both hatred and adoration, and Izzy gives him a soft kiss.

“Of course it was, neither of you would’ve actually started anything. You just would’ve made out like schoolkids until you both needed new pants.” Phil rolls over to hug Izzy’s side with his body. “But, you’re right. We should shower, come on. You can join me, if you want.” She taunts, and Dan laughs.

“Fuck no, you steel all of the water.” He points out, but Phil really doesn’t want to spend the time for each of them to take three individual showers, so he hops up to join her.

Izzy’s turning on the water when he enters the bathroom, “Oh, Philip,” She grins and gives him a kiss. “Dan’s going to join in—” She fakes looking at a watch on her wrist as Dan walks into the bathroom.

“Did you know that Julia has a key to your room?” He asks Phil.

Phil’s eyes widen.

“Fucking terrified her because I threw something at her, but she got the general message.” He says and climbs into the shower with Phil and Izzy.

Dan gets a phone call halfway through eating lunch—turkey sandwiches for Izzy and Phil and a salad for Dan. He returns with a smile, “So, Philip, would you like to come back to Kings with us?” He asks, and Phil almost squeals, but he holds his tongue.

“Really?” He asks, and Dan nods.

“Isabella, you have an ultrasound tomorrow.” He says, “If Phil comes along with us, he’ll be able to actually see the baby.” Phil nearly passes out with joy, holy shit! He’s going to get to go stay with the people he loves. He’ll be able to see his baby.

He just referred to the baby as his.

He feels a little guilty over the possessive word, but he’s too excited at the prospect of going home with the people he loves to even care much. He thinks about waking up next to them, about living with them. He briefly wonders if Dan will pass some of the responsibility to him—he hopes to God not—and if Izzy has any responsibility over Etithoia.

“How long can I stay?” He asks, and Dan shrugs.

“As long as you want, dear.” He says. “If you can pack enough to live with us, fucking go for it.”

Phil nearly cries with joy, but then he distantly recalls that the car will arrive in an hour and he has a lot of shit to pack. He knows he could call a maid up, but that feels like cheating the system, so instead, he asks Izzy and Dan if they’ll help him.

They nod earnestly, and he grins at them before grabbing a duffle bag from his closet. He starts a mental checklist of things he’ll need—clothes, laptop and phone, chargers, and toiletries. He hopes that the medium duffle bag he grabbed is big enough, and thankfully, it’s just the right size.

By the time the three are done helping Phil through his frantic packing, the car has arrived. Dan receives three texts in rapid succession, and without even checking them, he announces that the car has arrived. Phil is grateful that he only ate a bit of lunch or else he would’ve thrown up from excitement.

He grabs the duffle back and Dan and Izzy both grab their overnight bags before the head downstairs to the main quarters. Phil never ever takes the elevator (again, it feels like cheating the system. No one else gets to have an elevator in their homes.) but his legs are still a bit wobbly—he can’t tell if it’s from a good orgasm or the anxiety, probably both—so he sticks to the elevator. Dan gives him a look.

“You have an elevator and I’ve been taking some long-ass stairs this whole time?” He demands, and Phil looks a bit sheepish, even though he knows Dan isn’t actually angry. “God, you and your ‘cheating the system’ bullshit. Be the privileged bitch that you are.”

The car ride to Steeple Palace is slow and uneventful, he scrolls through his Instagram (he’s not supposed to have social media, but no one’s stopped him so far. Besides, it’s private and shows minimal personal information, so he’s cool with it.) The explore page is basic—slime videos littered here and there, but mostly videos of dogs and cats. He finds one post titled “Phanabella—my take on this whole fuckin mess” and finds himself reading through a nine-paragraph caption about his relationship.

The just of the post is that the media probably twisted the photos and that while the author “ships it to hell and back” and “stans those sons of bitches” they think that it’s not real. The author (Phil checks the username—@conspiracylookingthottie_) says that they’ll come out when they’re ready, if they even are a trio, and that a couple of friendly photos say nothing about the status of their relationship.

“They’ve grown up together since they were young. All y’all fake ass bitches wanna ship them without knowing their history lol and that’s the tea :/ I kiss my friends on the cheek all the fucking time and idk if you’ve noticed but royals do it a shit ton so by that logic all of the royals of menia r fucking intoras royals. So babes theres ur daily t and uM bye”

Phil thinks that they have a point, but that doesn’t stop the news from spreading to every country they associate with. He’s sure that the news of them staying together will also spread. Like Martyn said—word around the countries spreads fast no matter how secretive one is about it. There are spies everywhere, people who need to make a pretty penny off of scandals that could get rulers impeached any second, and just straight up lies. People will figure out whatever you’re hiding, regardless of how hard you try to keep it away from them.

He chooses to close the tab and ignore what he read. Dan doesn’t have an Instagram anyways, or a Facebook, or anything, for that matter. He has a twitter that he kept hidden for the longest time, but now uses it to keep updates on important events in the country (“and memes, but only occasionally,” He’d explained to Phil.) He’s sure Dan doesn’t need to be bothered with petty scandals, they’re common in Etithoia.

What would really get him impeached is gang involvement, and Phil isn’t sure whether or not he is involved with gangs. He’s joked about it, sending henchmen or getting certain privileges from the gangs due to his status, but Phil’s always just assumed they were jokes. Dan’s always been too much of a softie to really have anything to do with the gangs of Etithoia, but it’s unnerved Phil nonetheless. Under Dan’s rule, the gangs have decreased a fuck-ton (but they’re still there, and everyone knows it), and crime has decreased mostly. Phil’s seen the massive difference from Dan’s father to Dan.

When Dan’s father was alive, too many old traditions were still in place in Etithoia. It was an area that people would specifically not invite to events like balls or weddings simply due to the fear they’d embedded within themselves. Dan took that fear and changed it into something else, but Phil isn’t quite sure what the something is. It isn’t love, it isn't hated. It’s more like interest—everyone is intrigued to see Dan’s next move for the country.

A Menian and Etithoian marrying was unheard of before Dan and Isabella, Menia was too much of a joyous country of farmland. They were known for their production and exporting of farm good and were excellent allies to have in case of financial crisis, whereas Etithoia had hardly anything.

Phil feels a surge of pride at that knowledge—that Dan had improved everything about Etithoia. The economy had improved, he had lessened border control and lowered the reigns that his father had held over immigration, he’d decreased military spending and increased education spending and financial support.

The best thing by far was the increase in affordable medical care that Dan had made readily available. It wasn’t at the point where Intora was, not even close, but for one ruler, Dan had changed practically everything about it. It was important, too. Over thirteen percent of Etithoians lived under the Intoran poverty limit and couldn’t afford basic housing or medical assistance.

Phil simply wants to kiss him, but instead, he settles for resting his head against Dan’s shoulder and looking out Dan’s window. Isabella hadn’t gotten sick so far, but Phil had avoided cuddling her in case she experienced a random nausea-fit. “I love you,” He whispers into Dan’s neck.

Dan pulls out an earbud and cocks his head, “What was that, love?”

“I love you,” He says, with more confidence. “I’m proud of you. You’ve turned out to be a very impressive ruler.” He says simply, and Dan blushes slightly.

“No, no,” He says. “I’m definitely not a good ruler, I mean, you could do so much better—”

Phil gives him a kiss to shut up his rambling. “You’re a marvelous ruler, baby.” He says against Dan’s lips, and gives him another kiss to keep him from arguing. “I love you.”

“I love you, too, Philly.”

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