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presiding · 7 months

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What is your favourite thing about Billie Lurk?

(Answers are obvious possibly but i love when people talk about her👍)

thanks for the ask!! YEAH ME TOO I love when people talk about Billie! I can't say I have a favourite thing specifically, but I can explain why she's my fav. apologies for not taking this qn literally, but -

short answer: she’s really cool

& you can stop reading there, or, for the maybe 2 mutuals who might have time to read this my thoughts on her as a character, her meta, and her character as raw potential...

long answer:

i considered making this entire thing a gush so you could read a gush about Billie. but, part of what draws me to her is that she’s not always well written, and in fandom she’s underrated for a literal protagonist.

since you ask...

billie is a cool character

when I played Dh2 (hadn't played Dh1), I was excited to see a black woman with disabilities who was captaining a massive ship by herself. wow.

then I discovered Billie’s backstory with Deirdre, the way she responded to that, then having to survive while living on the run, and her bisexuality. as well as her history with daud & delilah. fascinating!

she’s an outsider who has so much to lose, and knows what it's like to lose everything - having lost everything not once but three times - but nevertheless speaks truth to power. she's so brave! she went and helped Emily & Corvo and she must have known they might kill her! plus, she’s smart, she’s funny, she gets shit done, she’s gorgeous.

but... the meta

mild critique of fandom & arkane incoming.

skip this bit if you want - you've been warned twice now - jump to tired Hayao Miyazaki and read from there if you'd like my thoughts on writing her.

i thought Death of the Outsider was going to be amazing and then... well. *sad trombone* i've written about that before so i won't keep banging on. i figured others must be disappointed too, so I joined a few fandom spaces in hopes of finding camaraderie.

most people with complaints about DotO didn’t like how the Outsider and Daud were handled. which is valid & I agree. but it seemed like most paid no attention to Billie; when people talk about her it’s with respect to Daud, as opposed to in her own right. you could argue for fandom misogyny because people don’t talk about adult Emily Kaldwin that much either, but in Billie's case, it’s misogynoir (compare & contrast with the popularity of thomas, particularly the popularity of thomas portrayed as a white man for no particular reason that i've been able to discern - i keep asking around, is it in the books???).

i think this is a LOT better now than it used to be, which is fantastic. or perhaps i have found the correct echo-chamber? ha.

ultimately, The Fandom is a fraction of the entire picture, and not even the important bit since The Fandom is not who these games are made for. you can't make money relying on only your hardcore fans even if all of them spent a fortune on merch, this is true for any AAA game.

while it's true that Billie is underrated from a fandom perspective - but Billie as an underwritten protagonist is squarely Arkane’s fault.

it was reasonable when she was a side character - the lack of info in Dh2 makes perfect sense (if anything there was more lore in Dh2 which is kind of wild)-

- but as a protagonist in Death of the Outsider?

.... there’s lousy writing, and there’s whatever is going on with Billie Lurk, a black woman who mostly exists as a foil or saviour for light-skinned characters. In her own game there’s barely any of her own lore except where it's relevant to saving two dudes.

lore hints at, but barely touches on what race means in the Dh universe (xenophobia is stronger in Dh1; separate essay i guess), but Arkane has patted themselves on the back for portraying non-white characters, which feels like the same thing as the aesthetic of diversity we're seeing in advertising currently because it’s in marketing trend guides. it's self-congratulatory and it's a missed opportunity for deeper storytelling.

you can see an example of diversity at its most shallow in the way that Billie’s written: there’s little engagement with her as an entire person with history & wants & preferences, and the world she walks through in that game feels like it has nothing to do with her. you could make a case for alienation as a theme, but then, how do you handle the titular premise of 'Dishonored' without ever letting Billie make changes in an environment without a chaos system? it's disappointing from that angle too.

in my opinion, whatever it's worth, it was an accident Arkane created such an awesome character - they needed someone to betray daud. congrats billie.

all this said, it makes her an underdog as far as characters to enjoy & create art & stories for. it's nice to find so many like-minded, switched on people! <3

billie's character potential

she’s got a wealth of unexplored lore, being deeply intertwined with both Karnaca & Dunwall’s fates & criminal underbellies, as well as her connections to the witches & whalers, and three Empresses.

she’s lived a few distinct lifetimes and in the games we get to meet her at two peaks (KoD & DotO) & a low (Dh2 as Meagan).

her voice is very distinct, her dry & often dark humour is entertaining & fun to write. her perspective is really interesting - she’s had the widest variety of void-powers of anyone canonically, and she’s also lived through the highest highs and lowest lows.

she's got everything going for her :) i couldn't really pick a fav thing!

#i assume my followers are cool enough to let me give a brief measured critique on fandom trends and DotO #thanks for the anon question!! what fun!#i love billie lurk <333 #jumped on the opportunity to rant n rave #what part of billie isn't my fav! (im a guy who likes the bad stuff too. mmm interesting meta)#trying to be not unfair or mean- i'm not targeting anyone but rather trends. and it's ok to be disappointed with something you love #fuck it. make it part of the appeal! her writing sucks! plenty of room for me & other creators!#its easier for me to indulge my billie brainworms when it sorta feels like she's not getting as much love as she deserves #you know? i want stories where her history is explored and her agency is important so i guess i'll roll up my sleeves #tumblr is a terrible place for this sort of critique IMO- lots of nuanceless empathy-free guilt-trip-ish rhetoric #so i hope i avoided that. but not so much that i seem forgiving.#that said i'm not tagging this one with fandom tags! no thank you.#i am blaming arkane yes. but that is also not without games industry context #i could complain about amateurish writing but that also never happens in a vacuum. industry problem(s) for sure.#people love to blame writers for things #and yeah a couple really fucking good writers can push a boulder uphill #but its usually a company problem #hire lots of diverse people in your company. give them authority and respect and reasonable workloads. and no crunch.#ah fuck this is a separate essay in tags. again #THIS WAS A SIMPLE QUESTION #*clutches head in hands*#uh if you're still reading at this point im SO sorry and thank you and i love you

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quickhacked · 1 year

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Chapter >> 14 [x] Characters >> Cato Wu (oc), Lauren Dimas (oc), Mikhail Koshechkin (oc), Thibault Lajoie (oc), Vitali Dobrynin (oc), a long list of side characters Total >> 7.8k words Warnings >> Alcohol mention, arguing, blood mention, death mention, family / parents, violence mention

‘Need everyone in mission control, stat! Don’t just fuckin’ stand there- get Misha! Lauren, come in- I need you to get the boss on comms!’

Cato hurried through the hallway, maneuvering around the mercs on their way to mission control to get there before they would. She was attempting to get the clip of her chest armor fastened but with every footfall the two halves bounced off each other and she was starting to get increasingly frustrated about it.

‘Can’t get a hold of him,’ Lauren replied in her earpiece, her voice tense and a little distant- telling Cato she wasn’t even sat in her chair yet. ‘Still out on recon- out of signal bounds? I’ll scan the Net, see what I can find.’

She pushed the door to mission control open with her shoulder, the room already overly crowded with mercenaries; everyone who was in the building at the time, all loudly talking to each other while moving between computers and laptops and pointing at the screen on the wall.

Not much was happening yet. It simply showed a radar of Night City- pings from the NCPD, showing targets, people on the run- none of them the man they were looking for and frankly Cato had no idea how they would ever find him back.

‘What’s going on?’ Thibault asked, jogging over the second they noticed her entering the room. They were dressed in casual clothes; not suited up for gigs or a security shift, simply around to help out in the office itself for the day. Like most of the mercs in the room, for that matter; no one had expected this to happen. Which had exactly been what had allowed it to happen in the first place.

‘Ravager escaped.’

Edward Keizer.

Ex-Maelstrom, now one of Matvey’s mercenaries, personally responsible for many lost resources, injured mercs and both Mikhail and Vincent’s brief captivities in the past. Vitali had managed to capture him after they had successfully rescued Vincent from the man’s facility; and had kept him captive ever since, even after Ivan Dupoint’s unfortunate death earlier that year.

Cato had honestly forgotten a little bit about him.

Too preoccupied with other business; monitoring the situation with the Broker, keeping an eye out for any signs of another attack being planned- catching up with gigs as fast as possible- and then of course their brief time spent with Roksana Dobrynina, who had in her few days of being there proven to be more than a handful to Cato to the point she had needed to take some time off.

She’d only been back for a few days and hell had already broken loose again.

Entirely their own fault- all of them combined, it was of no use to point fingers and try to pin the blame on one person alone. They had not kept a close eye on him anymore and were now facing the consequences; but they needed to find him back. Who knew what he would do out there.

‘Fucking bastard,’ Thibault mumbled, following Cato to one of the computers that was still available. ‘How’d it happen?’

‘Hux went to bring him his breakfast and he wasn’t there anymore,’ Cato plainly answered. ‘Fucker escaped from his restraints, crawled out of a window and dropped himself on one of the lower floor’s balconies.’

‘Jesus.’

‘Got desperate, I s’pose. What’s a fall from over twenty high when you’ve already been stuck in a room for a few months?’

The door of mission control swung open again and Mikhail entered the room- finally, and after briefly looking around and finding Cato he quickly hurried his way over to her.

‘Already long gone,’ Cato said to him, shaking her head and throwing up her hands in desperation. ‘Dunno when he escaped exactly, Lauren’s getting settled in as we speak- she’ll know more soon. Dunno where he’s headed, dunno fuckin’ shit. And the boss isn’t here either! Bit of a pickle we’re in, it seems.’

‘Fantastic,’ Mikhail muttered and placed his hands on his hips. ‘Lauren?’

‘I’m here, I’m here, gimme a minute.’ A pause on the other side of the line, followed by soft humming and the brief flicker of the lights above their heads as Lauren logged into the systems. ‘Gonna try and see when he escaped, when he left the building. See if we can get a direction, make an estimate where he’d be right now.’

In Vitali’s absence, it was Mikhail who was in charge- though he never made any decisions entirely by himself, always needing Cato by his side for a second opinion. They worked well together; of course they did. Had worked together in the past and despite everything that had happened in their years apart, it was often as if they had not even been separated in the first place.

‘We should’ve paid more attention to him,’ Cato quietly said, crossing her arms in front of her chest as she watched security footage from the building pop up on the screen. ‘Bet he’s already found his way back to Dobrynin Senior by now. Wherever that may be.’

‘Either that, or worse.’ Mikhail clicked his tongue and visibly clenched his jaw as a sharp exhale left his chest. ‘We know what he is capable of. Who knows who else he might hurt while out there?’

‘Geez, kids, lighten up a little? Take a look.’

The both of them redirected their attention to the screen again and watched as Lauren showed them footage from early that morning; five minutes past six, the exact moment Ravager dropped himself onto a balcony and took the elevator down to ground level.

‘Where’s he headed?’ Thibault asked.

‘North,’ Lauren answered, ‘from what I can tell at least. Headed to City Center in a stolen vehicle- I’ll see if I can track him down in a minute. I’ll first try to get the boss on the line again now, stand by.’

‘Cool beans.’ Cato paused and turned to look up at Mikhail. ‘And in the meantime?’

Mikhail quietly repeated her in Russian, glancing around the room and exhaling sharply a second time. ‘We do what we can, the old-fashioned way. Wish me luck.’

‘Break a leg, big boy.’

Cato watched in silence as Mikhail walked up to the front of the room, nervously rubbing his hands together as a string of tics left his lips and he tilted his head to the side a couple of times. Not a fan of speaking for a crowd- and Cato knew that, but encouraged him to do it anyway knowing the other mercs were far more likely to listen to him than to her.

‘Alright, listen up!’ Mikhail yelled, instantly drawing everyone’s attention and silence washed over the room.

‘We are working on an exact location,’ he continued. ‘Might take an hour- might take a day. Longer, who knows. Everyone who’s here today is going to make themself useful; I want teams out in field, eyes and ears on the streets. Vitali won’t be back until tonight and I’m not going to simply sit around and wait for him to return.’

‘Convenient for him, isn’t it?’ someone suddenly said, their voice sharply cutting through the silence of the room. ‘Like earlier, with the raids. With the cargo incident.’

‘What exactly are you implying here?’ Mikhail asked, a dark shadow washing over his face and Cato immediately straightened her back to see who was talking; she knew very well Mikhail was not actually asking for an explanation.

One of the newer mercs, she presumed- short, curly hair and big blue eyes behind glasses, and she had never seen them around before. They opened their mouth to speak again but noticed the warning looks from those around them and wisely kept the rest of their commentary to themself.

‘But what if he’s doing this?’ someone else suddenly broke the silence once more and everyone immediately started talking over each other at once- Cato couldn’t make out much of any of it, but she could hear both agreeing and disagreeing noises erupt from the audience.

‘Who fuckin’ said that?’ she yelled, turning around and putting her hands on her hips as she tried to oversee the crowd; but her height didn’t allow her to see very far and she quickly gave up, eyes slowly trailing her surroundings until she found Vincent, standing miserably by himself in the corner of the room.

Part of her understood why some of the less involved mercenaries would find Vitali’s regular absence suspicious. Those who knew him for longer knew how he liked to be involved in his business- and how he would go out into the field himself more than often to join his mercenaries on gigs or to deal with situations himself.

But the unfortunate timing of it all played right into Matvey’s hands and with each passing day, more and more people seemed to start turning against their fixer.

But Cato would never be one of them.

She had not known Vitali as long as Mikhail and did not know him as well as Vincent, but she didn’t need to. He had offered her shelter and protection after she’d shown up there several years back, on the run from Kang Tao with no other fixer wanting to do business with her because of it- and when Daniil had shown up and had attacked her earlier that year, Vitali had not stopped apologizing profusely to her later that day as if he had attacked her himself.

Cato maneuvered through the crowd, shoving some mercs aside to get to Vincent and she carefully reached out for his arm to get his attention. He merely clenched his jaw and shifted position against the wall, briefly glancing further into the room before redirecting his attention to her.

‘He’s not doing this,’ he quietly said, his voice barely audible above the clamor. ‘He wouldn’t- He would never do something like this.’

‘I know,’ Cato said, softly squeezing his arm as she spoke. She turned around again and straightened her back, clearing her throat before continuing.

‘Everybody shut the fuck up!’

Silence washed over the room and people turned to look at her- some relieved, others annoyed. Cato threw up her hands and gestured at the screen behind Mikhail; once more showing the radar with the map of Night City, and this time with areas marked in bright red where Ravager could be.

‘We’ve got work to do,’ she said, dropping her hands again. ‘All of us, Vitali included. In fact- he’s already been busy since what- six, seven in the morning? And what are you gonks doing, standin’ here? Yelling about whether or not he’s doing all of this himself? I’m sorry, are we talkin’ about the same man here?’

‘This is exactly what his father is trying to do,’ Mikhail chimed in. ‘Trying to create a rift between him and us. Trying to take everything away from him- orchestrate his downfall by launching attacks and trying to shift the blame to him. And I for one am not going to let that happen.’

‘And neither should any of you!’ Cato paused, turning to look at Vincent again and she gave his arm a quick, reassuring tap before moving away and walking over to Mikhail, to join him in front of the rest of the crowd.

‘Ravager escaped. He broke free, and he’s on the loose right now doing lord knows what and right now we’re the only ones who can get his ass back in containment where he belongs. Anyone too much of a pissbaby to help, leave the fuckin’ room right now. We don’t need you here.’

Silence, once more. People nervously glanced around, waiting for any sort of movement; and after a few seconds of nothing, a few of them slowly started making their way back toward the door, gazes glued to the ground, refusing to make eye contact with anyone.

‘Thank you for being honest,’ Cato sarcastically called after them. ‘Don’t let the door hit you on the way out. Hey- How’s Matvey’s boot taste?’

‘Cato,’ Lauren quietly said.

‘Bunch of fuckin’ cowards.’ Cato clenched her jaw and took a step back, exhaling sharply when one merc threw up a middle finger in her direction on their way out. Mikhail quickly placed his hand on her shoulder and squeezed softly- not that it was all that necessary. Cato wasn’t planning on going after the mercs anyway.

‘Everyone else,’ Mikhail said, ‘make teams of four. Lauren will assign you to an area and I do not want to see you back until you’ve gone through every single street in that neighborhood. Understood?’

‘I need Panam, Thibault and V here with me,’ Cato added. ‘Anyone else can get to work. Let’s find this motherfucker before he hurts someone else.’

She watched in silence as people immediately got on the move, mercs finding each other to form teams and reaching out to Lauren- who disconnected temporarily from the inner circle’s channel- to get an area assigned. The three people she had called out for slowly found their way to her, while Mikhail sat himself down backwards on a chair nearby.

‘Special treatment for us?’ Panam asked, giving Cato a wink while hopping onto one of the desks. ‘What gives?’

‘We’re staying here,’ Cato said. ‘V- please, before you say anything- I know you’re eager to go out, but we gotta stay alert. Might just be another trap or part of Matvey’s plan. If Ravager comes back with reinforcements, we need to be ready.’

‘You’re better off asking Eddie to stay rather than me,’ Thibault said, gesturing at himself with a nervous little smile on his face. It faded the second he realized Cato wasn’t kidding.

‘I know what I’m doing,’ she said. ‘Best of the best. Eds is stronger in the field. We both know that.’

‘No luck with Vitali thus far, he is well out of bounds,’ Mikhail said, resting his arms on the back of the chair and placing his chin on top. ‘Best to assume he won’t be back until sunset, so until then it’s up to us.’

‘I know where he went,’ Vincent said. ‘I can easily go and get him if-’

‘No, V. I think- I think for now this is for the best.’

Cato stayed quiet as she looked between the two of them, biting the inside of her lip. Having the boss there with them in a time of crisis was nice, and reassuring; but she understood why Mikhail didn’t mind that he wasn’t there now, knowing very well Vitali had reached the end of his rope a long, long time ago.

She hoped they would find Ravager back before Vitali’s return. It would be the easiest for all of them- especially Vitali- and with a bit of luck she would be home before dinner and could get a good night’s rest.

The longer the situation lasted, the wearier everyone became.

Understandably so; Matvey had been around for long enough now, if you asked Cato, and she would be glad to have him dealt with sooner rather than later. Even though it had been a while since he himself had shown his face, his lasting influence on both the office and the city as a whole was hard to ignore and Cato wondered how much longer it would take for the situation to escalate for the worse.

With the rising threat of a new attack breathing down their necks, Ravager's escape had a highly unfortunate timing. Cato doubted it was part of the plan- no way Ravager could’ve still had contact with Vitali’s father in his captivity- but she did not want to take any risks either, which is exactly why she was staying behind.

‘All teams have been assigned,’ Lauren suddenly said, her voice audible to all of those still in the room with Cato. ‘I’ll continue monitoring the situation, see if I can close in on a specific location. Connecting you through to Judes right now, she’ll take care of any on-location business while I’m surveilling the Net.’

‘Alright, baby, be careful,’ Cato quickly said, clenching her fists behind her back to prevent her mind from wandering back to what had happened a couple of months ago, when Lauren had almost not woken up anymore after nearly getting fried-

‘Of course, sweetheart. Always.’

And the line went silent.

Cato clenched her jaw and lowered her gaze, unable to look any of her friends in the eyes as she took a moment to calm herself down. There was no need for panic, now; Lauren knew what she was doing and there was no way Matvey would be monitoring them so closely that he would see her diving into the Net and consider it a direct threat.

‘Alright, fuckers, I’m strapped in, let’s get going,’ Judy’s voice suddenly said through her earpiece. ‘Exits are covered, let’s secure any resources we still have and get some weapons ready.’

‘Yes, ma’am,’ Cato said and nodded at the door, signaling to the others to get a move on.

She lingered behind, waiting for Mikhail to get up from his chair again and briefly turned off her earpiece- and he followed her lead, not questioning it as they waited for the others to leave the room.

‘If we don’t find him before Vitali returns…’ Cato quietly started, but Mikhail shook his head and cut her off.

‘Not for you to worry about,’ he said. ‘As far as he’s concerned this is my operation- I’ll take the blame. We tried reaching him and couldn’t and that is all there is to it. No need to try any harder, we will only be wasting more time.’

Cato knew Vitali did not mind Mikhail handling things for him without discussing anything beforehand; though given the circumstances she feared he would mind now, especially taking into account how Ravager had hurt both Mikhail and Vincent and how Vitali had absolutely not been done with him yet.

‘We should have just kept a closer eye on him,’ he quietly said and shook his head again, reaching out to Cato to tap her twice on her upper arm. ‘Too late for that now. All we can do now is try to get him back, yes?’

‘Yeah,’ she replied, reaching out to grab Mikhail’s hand and she pulled it to her face to plant a kiss on the back of it.

‘Come on. Let’s get to work.’

Another day, another fight.

Vitali flinched involuntarily when the door of the living room slammed shut. He was hidden away in his room, but the noise was more than loud enough to reach him and it echoed through the entire house together with Nadya’s heavy footfalls as she stomped through the hallway toward the front door.

Leaving again. Classic.

Vitali exhaled sharply as the front door slammed shut with similar force, the vibrations shaking the windows and rattling his bones. He glanced at his alarm clock- it was nearly seven in the evening. If he and his siblings wanted to have dinner any time soon he would probably have to make it himself, now.

Nadya had gotten angry at Matvey again.

Of course- what else? He had come home and had dared to look at his laptop after work hours to check his emails and Nadya had instantly decided to pull open her mouth, when she could have easily chosen not to. Matvey had tried to explain himself, she had taken it personally, he had gotten frustrated and the situation had escalated into a ten minute lasting shouting competition with neither party in the right- and one of them significantly more in the wrong than the other.

Vitali barely cared anymore. His parents’ disagreements often boiled down to the same few things and it was impossible to tell anymore which of them had caused the entire chain of dominos to fall in the first place; in the past he had occasionally tried to figure it out, but if anything thinking about it all for too long had only made him feel worse.

The house was eerily quiet now.

Vitali stared outside for a little bit longer, allowing his heartbeat to settle down. Whenever his parents would argue, he would simply not be able to keep himself under control even when in the safety and comfort of his own room, as if their fight was happening right there in front of his eyes and it was all his fault.

He often wondered if it was his fault. He had proven on many occasions to be more than a handful to deal with.

He pushed the thought out of his head and got up from his bed, leaving his room without giving it a second thought. The door to Roksana’s room was slightly ajar; he briefly stopped to peek inside, and gave his sister a soft smile when she waved at him from within the half-finished pillow fort on her bed that she was building with Daniil.

Vitali carefully entered the living room, quickly turning to move into the kitchen, expecting his father to be on the couch- yet much to his surprise he nearly ran right into him and it startled him for some reason, taking a jumpy step back as his heart skipped a beat.

Matvey still wore his Arasaka uniform; he had not even gotten the opportunity to change into something else yet. Jacket off, tie loosened and sleeves of his shirt rolled up as he leaned back into the kitchen counter with his hands solidly placed on top, white-knuckled with his fingers curled tightly around the edge.

He looked exhausted. Vitali was unsure what was going on for him at work, but he knew it hadn’t been easy for some time now; Matvey had been forced to make longer days than usual and it had already happened on multiple occasions that Vitali would come home from a party at four or five in the morning and his father would already be awake and getting ready to leave.

‘Sorry- Am I in the way?’ Matvey asked, noticing Vitali standing indecisively at the dining table.

‘No-! No,’ Vitali quickly responded and walked closer, leaning past his father to grab a glass from next to the sink and reaching for the fridge. ‘Just- wanted a drink.’

He exhaled sharply as he stared at the contents of the fridge, eyes slowly scanning for anything of his liking; and they lingered on the bottle of whisky inside the door for just a little longer than necessary, right before he snatched the carton of apple juice off the top shelf and closed the fridge door with his hip.

The silence that followed was deafening. Just the two of them standing in the kitchen, Vitali slowly pouring himself a glass of juice as his heart nearly pounded out of his chest again from stress. He glanced into his father’s direction; the man had still not moved and merely stared blankly ahead, his grip on the countertop still as tight as before.

‘Long day at work?’ Vitali quietly asked, setting the carton down on the counter and stuffing his hands in the pockets of his hoodie.

‘One crisis after another.’ Matvey slowly shook his head and closed his eyes. ‘I won’t bore you with that. It is nothing for you to worry about.’

‘I mean- I asked.’

Another silence as Vitali briefly considered just walking away again- but instead he pushed his father aside a little and hopped onto the countertop, pulling his legs to his chest as he grabbed his glass and took a sip.

‘What did you do?’ he asked, pretending he hadn’t heard every single sentence of the fight already while Matvey turned to lean sideways against the counter to look at him.

‘I checked my email,’ he bluntly answered. ‘Which is something that I have to do sometimes if I want to keep the job she wanted me to have so badly.’

‘You’d think she would understand, considering she has to do the same.’

‘Hm.’

Vitali bit the inside of his cheek and watched his father fiddle with his watch, eyes absently focused on the sink as if he was in deep thought. He used the moment of silence to lean toward the fridge again and slowly put the carton back inside, hoping the awkward tension that had suddenly arisen would settle down again.

Nadya’s hypocrisy was crystal clear to everyone in the household, yet Vitali was still often the only one brave enough- or stupid enough- to call her out on it. How often she would chew Matvey out for things she herself did too; how often entire fights could have been avoided altogether had she just taken a moment to realize how unfair she was being.

‘Can I ask you something?’ Vitali suddenly asked, slightly startling himself with the wave of confidence as he turned back to look at Matvey.

‘You just did,’ Matvey simply said in response, and the corner of his mouth slightly pulled up when Vitali dramatically rolled his eyes and kicked his foot in his father’s direction.

‘Go ahead.’

‘Why are you two- you know, still together?’

Matvey’s smile faltered.

Vitali clenched his jaw and watched his father slowly rub his hand over his face, eyes wandering off to the living room and then the wall as he took a few steps back. For a single moment he genuinely seemed to think about Vitali’s question- but then a surprisingly sad look in his eyes replaced his thoughtful frown and he lowered his gaze, as he pushed himself away from the countertop.

And Vitali instantly felt bad.

At times, he truly wondered if his parents still loved each other; the way they could barely hold normal conversations anymore, the way they slept in separate rooms and the way there would be days they wouldn’t even look each other in the eyes.

‘I’m- I’m sorry,’ he quietly said, lowering his legs again and letting them dangle down over the edge of the countertop while nervously rubbing his hands over his lap. ‘I didn’t mean to-’

‘It’s alright. I understand.’

Matvey turned around again to look at him and gave him a reassuring nod, putting his hands on his hips as he sighed and averted his gaze.

‘I love your mother,’ he said and Vitali felt his heart drop. ‘I truly do- I always have. And yes, she can be a little stubborn sometimes- and she often says things in the heat of the moment she doesn’t mean- but I- I just-’

He couldn’t finish his sentence.

Vitali lowered his gaze and quickly finished his drink, a sudden knot in his chest causing his head to hurt- the feeling of tears threatening to well up in his eyes.

He understood his father’s frustration more than anyone else; Nadya was impossible to talk to and because of that nothing was ever talked out, and when she would come back after storming out of the front door she always expected everyone to apologize to her but never did any of that herself.

He set his glass back near the sink and carefully hopped off the countertop, eyes finding Matvey again; he had not moved yet, frozen to the ground and eyes staring straight ahead as he took visibly shallow breaths, falling apart at the seams in a way Vitali had never seen him do before.

‘You don’t speak of this to her,’ he suddenly said, not even able to look Vitali in the eyes.

‘Of course not,’ he quickly replied. ‘I would never.’

He could walk away now. Conversation was clearly over.

But something caused Vitali to hesitate and he stood there for just a little longer, thousands of thoughts and questions racing through his mind; and Matvey noticed his hesitation and finally looked at him once more, frowning lightly as he opened his mouth to speak again.

And without thinking, Vitali stepped forward and wrapped his arms around his father, hugging him tightly- something he had not done in years- with his face turned away and pressed solidly into his shoulder.

Matvey tensed up and did not move for a second, and Vitali half expected him to push him away; yet then he relaxed and hesitantly placed his hand on Vitali’s back, absently running it up and down a little the moment he realized Vitali wasn’t going to move away any time soon.

He knew it wouldn’t solve anything.

Nadya would come home that night, Matvey would apologize, they would go to bed in their separate rooms and the next morning everything would go right back to how it had always been. Perhaps Matvey would still be there around breakfast- giving the two of them the opportunity to bicker before either of their day had even started, and if Vitali was lucky enough he would already be awake to witness it happen in real time.

He couldn’t help but wonder, when his parents had last hugged each other.

He slowly let go again and stepped back, hands nervously clasped together as he slowly nodded and let his gaze wander through the entire kitchen, simply to avoid having to make eye contact. Matvey had regained himself now; straightened his back and gestured at the door leading into the hallway, his eyes also searching for anything to focus on other than his son.

‘Go get your siblings,’ he quietly said, a softness to his voice Vitali was not used to.

‘Your mother won’t come back for some hours, anyway. We’re ordering pizza.’

He should never have left.

It had not even been that important anyway; more of a wild guess than an actual possible lead and after an entire day of scouting in Pacifica and part of the Badlands Vitali had managed to draw the conclusion his father’s forces had merely been there to resupply, rather than anything else.

‘He’s entering the Megabuilding now, jefe. First team is at least six minutes away with this traffic- you’re closest as of now.’

He should never have fucking left.

Should have just sent Vincent, like he had offered the day before; should have just let his mercenaries deal with the situation and should have just gone to the office like every day and stay there, be there when his mercenaries would need him.

Vitali tightened his grip on the steering wheel to the point his knuckles hurt and he put his entire weight on the gas. Maneuvered around the other vehicles on the road with ease- the streets of Watson were still cluttered with cars but he was too high on adrenaline to be bothered by any of it, going well over the speed limit as he hurried his way to his destination.

How could he have forgotten about Ravager? Obviously not entirely so- the man had been present in his head just enough for Vitali to not forget to feed him and allow him daily bathroom breaks, but for some reason it had never occurred to him that the cyborg would probably try to escape at some point.

Vitali was not even entirely sure anymore why he hadn’t just killed him yet.

‘He’s taking his sweet time,’ Lauren said. ‘Stairs instead of the elevator. What floor was it again?’

‘Twentieth,’ Vitali absently answered, taking a turn a little too sharply and cutting the curb, swiftly steering around some pedestrians only just managed to jump aside and yelled at him as he passed them by.

It was nearing midnight.

Vitali had been away for the entire day and despite his mercs’ desperate attempts they had been unsuccessful at tracking down Ravager in his absence. Everyone out in the field had already been on their way back to Wellsprings- and then Lauren had suddenly received a ping from another runner in her corner, telling her the ex-Maelstrom merc had been spotted in Little China.

He had taken the metro, to Megabuilding H11.

And Vitali had instantly known something was terribly wrong.

He finally arrived at the entrance- jumped out of his car and sprinted inside, ignoring the looks of the building’s residents as he passed them by. The elevator was already down and he jumped in, knowing very well his leg would not allow him to run up that many sets of stairs; he startled an old lady by accident and quietly apologized while repeatedly slamming the button for the twentieth floor.

‘Need me to send reinforcements over?’ Lauren asked.

‘Have them on stand-by outside,’ Vitali answered, once again glancing in the direction of the old lady and reassuringly gesturing at her that everything was okay. ‘I can handle this myself.’

His eyes briefly moved over the corner of the elevator- the exact corner he had sat in not too long ago, unmoving for nearly an hour as he had been unable to drag himself back up on his feet and go back home. The knot in his stomach tightened and he shakily exhaled, quickly averting his gaze and reaching for the side of the elevator to lean against before he would lose his balance.

It didn’t feel right, being back there. The fight they’d had was still fresh in Vitali’s memory and it was all coming back in waves now the more the elevator ascended.

What could Ravager possibly gain from this? Why go there out of all possibilities- was it payback? An act of revenge- but for what? Directed at Vitali, for holding him in captivity for so long? Directed at Matvey, for not breaking him out?

The elevator came to a stop and Vitali ran out, bolting up the last set of stairs and taking out his handgun. He hoped he wasn’t too late; perhaps Ravager was still a few floors down, perhaps Vitali still had time to intercept him on his way to the apartment-

But the second he entered the hallway and noticed the front door slightly ajar, he knew that wasn’t the case.

Vitali moved forward. Every step heavier than the last, every footfall echoing loudly through the hallway and his head as he once more closed in on the small, remote apartment in Megabuilding H11, gun pointed as steadily as he could at the door and heart nearly beating out of his chest.

What if he was too late? What if he had already-?

‘No cams nearby, I’ve lost you. Talk to me, Vito- what’s happening?’

Vitali reached for the door and for a split second he hesitated again; shaking hand hovering mid-air, fingertips brushing past the cold metal sending a shiver down his spine. He was scared- terrified, holding his breath and biting his tongue until he tasted blood-

And he pushed it open.

‘Vitali? What’s going on? Did you get him?’

He was frozen.

The apartment was still how he remembered it; the same, poorly lit interior with worn furniture, the walls empty, the paint peeling. He still vividly remembered how she had stood there, at the door. How she had stepped aside, had allowed him to enter- had reached up to gently cup his cheeks-

Vitali slowly reached for his hearing aid, switching off the communication channel as he ignored Lauren’s continuous attempts to get him to answer. He could barely keep the gun still but refused to lower it, the barrel pointed right at where he wanted it to go.

They had not heard him enter.

And he did not know what to say.

Could only watch in pure terror as Ravager held Nadya tightly in his arms, her hands cradling his cybernetic face and their lips pressed against each other, a kiss more passionate Vitali had ever expected of her.

His arm felt heavy.

He could no longer hold up the gun and slowly lowered it, a shaky exhale leaving his lips as a frown took shape on his face. For a second, he was no longer sure if he was awake or not- had he fallen asleep behind the wheel? Had someone managed to put a bullet between his eyes during his recon mission and was this hell?

‘Mother?’

She pulled back the second he spoke- as if she had touched fire, pushing Ravager against his chest to get him away from her. And she turned her head, eyes searching- and finding Vitali with ease, the blood draining from her face.

A deafening silence washed over the room. Vitali’s eyes were unfocused; he could barely see straight anymore and the apartment spun around him and for a brief moment he feared he was going to pass out, all by himself in a hostile environment with a loaded gun at the disposal of anyone who wanted to hurt him.

The mere thought of that alone shook him awake again and he grabbed his weapon tightly in both hands, raising it up to Ravager’s chest- the man raised his hands in defense, but the grin on his face told Vitali he felt not even remotely intimidated and was simply playing along.

If he wanted to, he could charge at Vitali and disarm him with ease. And Vitali knew that the both of them were well aware of it.

‘What are you doing here?’ Nadya asked, her voice shaking as she crossed her arms in front of her chest and defensively took a step back.

‘I followed-’ Vitali quietly responded, but for some reason could not find the right words to say. ‘I thought that- I thought he would-’

‘Just get outta here, kid,’ Ravager suddenly interrupted him. ‘This isn’t any of your business. Just walk away.’

Vitali’s stomach turned and he could suddenly almost taste his poor excuse of a lunch from earlier that day in his mouth again, barely able to keep his composure while his chest tightened and he nearly threw up. Nadya muttered something in Russian- but he couldn’t focus on her voice enough to hear any of what she said, the ringing in his ears too overwhelming and the numbness in his head pressing down on his eardrums.

‘What is going on?’ he quietly asked and lowered the gun again, taking a single step toward his mother and ignoring Ravager doing the same. ‘Does he- Does he know?’

His mother didn’t respond.

And that told Vitali enough.

A sarcastic scoff left his lips and he smiled weakly, licking his lips while sticking the gun back in its holster and walking backwards until his back found solid wall. The voice inside his head was screaming at him again- telling him to get out of there, just walk away like Ravager had said-

‘Millions of people in Night City,’ Vitali said in a low voice, slightly tilting his head as his gaze caught Nadya’s again. ‘And you decide to fuck the man who is more of a walking corpse at this point than a human being.’

He felt disgusted.

Of course he had no idea what else had been happening- perhaps Nadya and Matvey were no longer a thing, perhaps it didn’t fucking matter. It shouldn’t matter at all to him, either way- why would he care? It really was none of his business.

Yet something about it all caused him to be sick to his stomach and another scoff left his lips, eyes glossing over again as he felt his entire world start to crumble around him and he felt his shoulders cave in.

‘All he wants is his revenge,’ Nadya said, a sob spilling out of her throat with it and she covered her mouth with her hand, as if she startled herself with it.

‘So you do this?’ Vitali asked, vaguely gesturing around the room. ‘Very mature. I love how your communication skills have developed backwards since I left home.’

‘What could I have said?’

‘What could you- I’m sorry, anything?! You’re his wife, for fuck’s sake!’

‘It would not have changed anything! He hasn’t loved me since the day you were born!’

‘Oh, so now it’s my fault again? How do you keep- He hasn’t loved you since- I’m sorry, are you blind?’

‘Why are you protecting him?’

‘I’m not protecting either of you- I’m just fucking baffled by your stupidity! Not every bad thing in your life is caused by others, you know that? The world doesn’t fucking revolve around you!’

‘And it doesn’t revolve around you either!’

‘Yet you seem very insistent that I am single-handedly ruining every fucking aspect of your life when you could have easily decided to just get a fucking divorce at any point in time and walk away like you have always wanted to do!’

Vitali’s words nearly echoed through the room and dead silence followed, his chest heaving as he attempted to catch his breath. He was seething again- the same red hot anger he had felt before raging through his system once more and fighting to get out, everything he had always wanted to say to his mother rolling off his tongue before he could reconsider any of it.

‘I don’t know what went wrong between you two but you should both be ashamed of yourselves,’ he panted, instinctively wiping his mouth with the back of his hand- half expecting there to be blood on it when he pulled it back.

‘I didn’t mean for this to happen,’ Nadya quietly cried in response.

‘For what to happen? This? Or for me to find out about it?’ Vitali paused, glancing at Ravager and huffing softly. ‘Hear that? Apparently you were a mistake.’

‘Hey- I have just about the same amount of stakes in this as you,’ Ravager simply replied and raised his hands in defense again. ‘I honestly don’t give a shit. I’m just here for a good time. You’re the one losin’ your damn marbles about it.’

With each passing second, Vitali started to regain himself more and more and he suddenly felt- embarrassed. His cheeks started to burn and an involuntary, strangled chuckle left his lips.

Ravager had a fair point- why was Vitali even trying to argue? Why did he care?

‘There are so many other things you could have done instead of this,’ he quietly said, redirecting his attention to his mother. ‘I don’t- I don’t get it.’

Nadya had always had something to say to him.

But now, she was quiet.

Stared at him with wide, hazy eyes, and she looked terrified- of him, perhaps? No longer the woman she used to be- far from it and somehow worse than Vitali remembered, the display of feigned shock and fear more frustrating to him than her pure rage and seething hatred for him when he had been younger.

‘There is nothing to get.’ Ravager scoffed and shook his head, clearly enjoying himself thoroughly as he continued. ‘If you’ve been gone for so many years- what do you really know? You weren’t there to see it. Who are you to have any say in any of this?’

Vitali wasn’t listening anymore.

He turned around, ignoring his mother saying his name- once, twice, trying to get his attention- but he was already out of the door and stumbling through the hallway, squinting his eyes at the sudden bright light and barely able to keep his balance.

He was just confused, now.

He had not been inside for more than ten minutes and yet he could already barely remember how it had gone- only one third of his own words still lingering in his brain and none of Nadya’s, he hadn’t really cared about any of her responses and not a single one of them had stuck.

The knot in his stomach finally tightened and so did his throat, seconds before he fell to his knees and threw up on the cold, concrete floor of the building. No one around to help him back up on his feet, this time; it was just him and the big, gaping hole in his chest of which he wasn’t really sure why it was suddenly there.

Nothing more than childish revenge.

Nadya’s stakes in the matter were crystal clear to him now. He finally understood why she had stuck around- and now she could finally leave if she wanted to, her newly found love back in her arms and enough money in her pocket to comfortably retire if she so pleased.

He wondered where she would go. The east coast? Another country?

He dragged himself back up on his feet, shivering and shaking and his hands freezing cold. For a split second, he wanted to go back- take out his gun and put a bullet between Ravager’s eyes, and a second one, and a third, and a fourth. Wanted nothing more than to tear his dead body to shreds with his bare hands, burn his remains, bury the ashes deep underground-

I want to go home.

A choked sob left Vitali’s lips and he suddenly felt exhausted.

Why did he even bother anymore? With every passing day it became harder and harder for him to keep going and he kept learning things that made him feel even worse than before; and he knew that none of it should matter. His family didn’t want him back anyway.

And yet there he was, spilling more tears for them as if it would help wash away his sorrows and his pain, as if it would undo everything time had done to them and bring back the days where everything had been good, when his parents had loved each other so- and had still loved him.

If they had ever even done that to begin with.

Back in the elevator, Vitali reached for his hearing aid again and switched the communication channel back on. Lauren immediately said something to him- but her words didn’t reach him anymore, his mind completely elsewhere as the elevator slowly began descending.

‘Everything is fine,’ Vitali bluntly said, suppressing another sob and straightening his back- regaining his composure, for nobody in particular. ‘You can call everyone back- Ravager is not our problem anymore.’

In hindsight, he didn’t know why he hadn’t just killed him. Perhaps he hadn’t wanted to do that in front of his mother- but she had worked for Arasaka Security long enough to be more than familiar with death and this wouldn’t have been any different.

Vitali bit the inside of his cheek, Lauren’s voice reassuringly in his ear yet none of what she said made sense to him anymore. He leaned against the wall and rested his head against the cold glass of the elevator, closing his eyes as he opened his mouth one last time to speak.

‘I’m going home.’

#nuclearwriting #rbs much appreciated :) <3 #tee hee and lol. well. there you go #the flashback of this chapter is soo insane to me actually there's so much going on in there #need you guys to know there Is a lot more still going on behind the scenes. it will all fall into place later trust me #but for now. [gestures vaguely] have this and feel free to kill me with baseball bats #or wait save that for after next chapter actually. thanks #ANYWAY YEAS let me know what you guys think!! i love seeing everyone's thoughts in the tags <333 #ch:the broker

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