Well it wasn’t in the plan for the evening but I told my mother I want top surgery so light a candle for me because I’m gonna need all the help I can get
I’m afraid of letting go of old stories that I stopped working on long ago. Not necessarily because I still want to write them, or because I haven’t figured it all out; even if that’s true, it goes further than that.
In the moment, the writing process feels so intimate. Surely you’ll never forget the details and the little bursts of inspiration, the quote you saw online that led to a major plot decision. But I’ve been writing for over five years now and I can hardly remember the plot of my first story.
I’m afraid of letting go of the old stories I write, of the characters that go with them. For two years I worked on a novel; one year continuously, the other off and on, but it was never out of sight. I had a playlist for it, and I chose the songs meticulously, and I had that playlist memorized. Now I listen to the playlist, to one song moving into the next, and I’m filled with nostalgia, and that nostalgia terrifies me.
Two years ago, I might have heard a song and immediately connected it to my beloved Hazel or Devin or Nick. Now I might listen to a song and connect it to their characters after a month and I realize how much time has passed, how much disconnect I feel from the people that came from me, and more than that, the people who I came from.
This fear will never leave, I’m afraid. But maybe it can remind me to bask in the moments a little more. To commit to memory the driving forces behind my work, or at least what I feel as I create it. To listen to songs more intimately and remember the characters that I have made, the people I am made of. To hear their voices and not shy away, because they can give me so much more than I can give them, and perhaps that’s not unfair, because I have given them life and existence and a voice to whisper in my ear when I experience something they very much would have liked, or hated, or cried at or laughed it.
Perhaps this fear will remind me that though my writing will always be apart of me, I will change and move on and distance will still form, and I need to remember what it’s like before I am forced to forget.
god i wish my social battery can last longer
does anybody else ever feel like they cant have more than one internet at a time bc if they have two or more Interests at a time and cant devote their full attention to both then u feel guilty bc ur neglecting ur other interests??? or am i mentally unwell??
Well nonnie now YOUR ask is making ME think about Dean and Jack’s relationship AAAAAAAAAAAA. Ok so I think the funniest thing (ok not funny? More like interesting) is that Sam and Jack’s relationship is the easiest one to understand. No, I don’t mean it’s shallow (if I hear another “Sam is Jack’s uncle!!!” I’ll cut a bitch), but it’s very clear why Sam took to Jack so quickly and why Jack basically imprinted on Sam. Jack is literally Sam 2.0 and he even got a whole bunch of Sam’s arcs in 3 seasons lol. ANYWAY BACK TO DEAN AND JACK: I’ve seen a lot of Sam stans getting pissed bc the writers APPARENTLY made Jack “like Dean more all of a sudden” and I totally disagree??? I think the thing is, Sam is like the mom who is openly affectionate with Jack so Jack doesn’t have to work as hard for his approval, whereas Dean is the distant father figure who is hard to please so Jack is always trying to imitate and impress him to gain his love. I believe Dean loves Jack, I really do, but in a way a stepfather does ig??? As you said so yourself, not having Sam is incomprehensible to Dean, and Sam and Jack are kind of a package deal. Dean gave Jack a chance only bc Sam puppy dog eyed him into it, but most importantly, bc Jack SAVED SAM. And I think the kid grew on him after that, until he smoked Mary (can’t really blame Dean here since that’s his m o t h e r that Jack killed rip). But in Last Holiday we saw that Dean was trying to forgive Jack for that, which is a pretty big deal since we all know Dean doesn’t forgive easily. And then Unity happened. HERE Dean’s “everyone is family to me except Sam who is so much more than just family” policy comes into play for the umpteenth time. Sam says Jack is like family to them so they shouldn’t let him turn himself into a bomb, Dean says Sam is his family (and throws in a mention of Cass bc he knows Sam is selfless and mentioning only him won’t sway him) (which is funnily enough the reverse of what Sam does later on, he talks about the AU hunters and Eileen but Dean won’t budge, so he uses the Sammy card on Dean: “What about me? Would you trade me?” It’s super effective) and not Jack. Jack can never be on Sam’s level no matter what. And he later thanks Jack for willing to sacrifice himself so that he and Sam can live a normal life off of Chuck’s hamster wheel (and you realize here just how desperately he needs Sam bc the WORLD is going to get destroyed if Jack doesn’t sacrifice himself but Dean only cares about him and Sam wow) (and as you said nonnie, no mention of Cass either). I have a lot of conflicting feelings on Cass and Jack’s relationship which I won’t elaborate on rn bc this is getting way too long as is and I’m rambling (orz) but I totally agree that Dean realized Cass wouldn’t stick around after Jack’s gone. And he really didn’t! It’s canon! Jack pulled Cass out of the empty and Cass didn’t bother to visit Sam and Dean between 15×19 and 15×20. Since Jack’s put everything back to the way it was and Cass is in heaven and thus no longer in need of a vessel, he’s most likely abandoned poor unwilling Jimmy’s body and gone back to his original form aka a beam of light the size of the Chrysler Building. Back to my original point: Dean loves Jack, but that love is conditional imo, while Sam is his whole world, so it’s no wonder he was okay with Jack willing to turn himself into a bomb. Sure, saving the world was important to him, but him and Sam being free from Chuck was clearly what Dean really wanted. So in conclusion, I 100% agree with you nonnie.
my mother is three for three on Suspiciously Probing Statements…counting down the days until she just out and says “i think you’re transgender”
ngl i loved published diaries lol
there is so much christian sam content and i actually respect most of you but a weird little piece of my heart just wants him to convert to judaism so fucking bad