#that's not a bit he's just legitimately the cooler Miles

[pandadrake]

Shots fired by the Spider-man sequels.

Was ruminating on how Miles and Miguel are technically both 'Spider-man 2' in their respective universes. Got me thinking about the other Spider-successors in the cast, and also what if they all got matching T-shirts or something.

#Bringing back Peter’s ITSV insecurity from his mid-life spider-crisis to document his hard swerve into “dad & mentor” in real time #Miles is wearing a variation of the Hobie watch because I cant see post-ATSV Miles wearing a watch with Miguel's parental controls on it #Miguel is reading the instructions for assembling a couch from IKEA 2099 #he has to build a new one for the breakroom b/c the last one died to T-rex butt #Basically I had an idea that involved learning how to draw Ben Reilly and jumped on it. His comic inking look is weirdly nostalgic for me. #my art #miles morales #ben reilly #miguel o'hara #mayday parker #scarlet spider #ultimate spider man #spider man 2099 #spider girl #spider man #peter b parker #peter parker #across the spiderverse #atsv #may parker #into the spiderverse #atsv fanart #spider man: across the spider verse #miles morales prowler #prowler miles #miles 42 #the cooler spider man #the cooler miles #that's not a bit he's just legitimately the cooler Miles #spider-man

[carryonmywaywardwriters]

One Day At A Time - Jensen x Reader

A/N: Part Seven! If you’d like to be tagged, please send an ask or message. As always, feedback is incredible. And, I hope you all enjoy <3

PSA: I am NOT a minor friendly blog. If you are below 18, please come back when you’re older. I don’t want to lose my blog because you were too eager to grow up. If I discover you, I WILL block.

Series Masterlist

Warnings: Widower!Jensen. Drunken Shenanigans. Upcoming smut.

Word Count: Roughly 2,100

“Get ready, we're going out.” Sure that your brain had short circuited, you ignored the deep order. Continuing to read your book as if no one had spoken. “Hello, anyone home?” A large hand waving by your hand tugged you from the pages. Almost pouting, Jensen managed to catch your attention. “Are you even listening to me?”

“I'm sorry,” Carefully, you set down the novel. Folding your hands primly on your lap, you found your best lady of the manor impression. “Continue, Master.”

“Brat,” His eye roll made your lip twitch. Moving on, he straightened the deep grey t-shirt over his jeans. “Mom and pops are coming up to steal the kids for the night.”

Failing to see what that had to do with you, your eyes turned back down to the page in your hands. Finally to the moment where the characters discovered their feelings matched. Coming together in a blind passion. Only to be called back to order with a deep throat clearing. “So, how does this involve me exactly?”

“We're. Going. Out.” The drawn out order had you pinching your brows. Becoming aware that you had heard right. “Don't give me that look.”

“Am I supposed to be your wing man, here? Or...” An unamused frown curling your lips downwards made him roll his eyes for the second time. “It's a legitimate question.”

“You're supposed to go out. Get drunk. Make some bad decisions. And most importantly? Have fun.” He pulled out the finger wag and all.

“You're such a dad.” But the last bit got the desired response. You laughed at the cheesy speech. With a dramatic huff, the book was set aside. His overzealous fist pump only earned an eye roll. “This is only because I know you're going to nag me to death if I don't give in.” And absolutely nothing to do with his sparkling green eyes. Plush smile. Definitely not the curved up lips. Shaking your head, you got to your feet too quickly. “What's the dress code?”

“Bar finery.” That you could do.

Jean shorts. A billowy, black tank top that emphasized what you had to work with. Hair styled to the 't'. Just enough makeup to feel like you were actually trying. Nothing fancy. And yet, just the process of getting cleaned up lifted your mood.

“I wanna go with you!” Arrow sulked when she realized you were going out. Bottom lip out in full force.

“They're having adult time.” Justice Jay's answer was to the point. And yet, it sounded almost scandalous. You could feel your cheek's heating up as the adult Ackles' looked over you. Almost as though they were under the same mindset.

Jensen had no problem taking everything under control. Shooing his spawn and parents with an inspiring efficiency. Then he was flipping his keys in his hands, “You ready?”

“As ready as I'm getting,” Your bag rested over your hip. Shifting, you tried to ignore his deep inspection of your person. Well aware that your own brain was your enemy.

“Take it off.”

“Excuse me?”

“The bag.” His answer restarted your heart. And then came the pinched brows. “Don't give me that look. You don't need it. Tonight's on me.”

With a frown, you stared him down, “You're awfully bossy today.”

His arm fell across your shoulders, “I'm just tryin’ to lighten the mood around here. Besides, I owe you. You've been holding down the fort while I jump all around town.” Another pull followed at the reminder.

There'd been five dates. Five nights of trying to cheer up the bachelor afterwards. All while you procrastinated getting set up, yourself. Clearly, he'd decided enough was enough. Sighing, you took off the purse. Expecting the worst from the night ahead.

“This is ridiculous,” You laughed an hour later as the shot glass was pushed your way. Having already been primed with half a dozen wine coolers, your blood was simmering. Resisting the urge to peek around; trying to find the boogieman in the corners of the busy bar. So sure that the public would eat you alive. That a trap was laid out around the bend.

“Good,” Jensen raised his own. Seemingly unafraid of anything. “About time you do somethin' a little irresponsible.” With that toast for the ages, he tipped back one. Watching as you choked down the smooth liquid. More than a little out of practice. Being the good man he was, your glass was replaced with another from the tray as soon as it was emptied.

The actor would be lying if he said he didn't appreciate the way you relaxed across from him. Forgetting about everything his life had thrown at you. Leaning your elbows onto the table after the second drink. Eyes alight with nothing less than mischief as the alcohol buzzed more in your veins. Enjoying the way the music throbbed through the air. Nineties night in full swing. “How'd you find this place?”

“Jared and I used to hit it up,” Came the easy answer. You weren't the only one out of practice, “Wanted to see if it still had the same energy.” The response only drew back everything that everyone wanted to forget.

“Does it?”

Instead of answering, his fourth and final shot on the tray was taken, “Looks like you've got some catchin' up to do, kid.”

“Kid?” A snort left you at the challenge. Back to back, the final two were finished. Going down smoother as you found your rhythm. “Another round, old man?”

“That's my girl,” His words burned through your body. Straight to the pit in the middle of your stomach. With that, he got to his feet. Hunting down another bundle.

Your eyes trailed over him. Watching the confident swagger of his bow legs. The tall, straight edge of him that carried an edge of danger. Noting the way his back pressed against the thin material of his henley. Too strong for your sanity. Cursing yourself, you pushed up to your feet. Trying to regain a semblance of sense.

Nelly blasted through the speakers as you weaved through the flailing millennial crowd. All reminiscing over their childhood as they drank down their problems under the white and blue lights. Not caring that the arrogant song came from the 2000's. “Shake Your Tailfeather” had bodies writhing. More twerking than you remembered from the time hitting across the floor.

The throb of it had your hips swinging more than you intended as you made your way over to the empty dart board. Letting the music draw you away from your thoughts, you gathered the arrows. Refusing to turn your gaze back to the bar. Taking all of the emotions simmering under your surface out on the wall.

Jensen found you letting the needle fly. Moving to the bass without realizing it. Missing the bulls-eye by a mile. He wasn't the only one who noticed.

The guy was mid-twenties. Crooked smile. All decked out in a striped sweater and jeans that flashed his ankles. Looking like something right out of Fresh Prince.

He watched the way you interacted with the kid. Polite smile. Leaning away from his touch as he tried to offer advice. Hitting to the left of the mark in the process.

“Jensen!” The relief in your voice was undeniable when you caught sight of the actor. “I was just telling...” Ackles told himself the twitch in his lip had more to do with how hard you were trying to remember the name rather than the fact that you hadn't cared enough to in the first place. “Him,” Clearly you'd given up. “That you'd promised to help me out.” When he didn't respond, you continued a little more pointedly. “With the darts.”

“He any good?” Masculine pride bubbled to the surface as the younger man looked him over. With his smooth skin. Not a line or grey hair in sight. Rolling his shoulders, the actor looked down on the punk.

“Not at all.” Your face fell at that answer. Believing that he was going to throw you to the wolves. Biting back his grin, Jensen reached over. Plucking the dart from your fingers. Still holding the second tray of drinks. Years of practice showed as he flicked his wrist. Leaving the needle embedded into the wall. Right where it needed to be. Showing the kid what good really looked like.

Muttering something that sounded a lot like an excuse, the guy left the scene. Bobbing his head as he began his hunt for his next victim in the crowd. “Nice hit, Winchester.”

The teasing tone turned Jensen's attention away from his kill shot, “Still got it.” His brows bounced when you laughed. Reaching for another glass from his hands. “Looked like you were struggling.”

“Darts are complicated.” You brushed off the encounter. As if it didn't really matter. Tossing back the next drink. Using it to steady your hormones as Missy Elliot took over the room. Pretending it would actually help.

“You really want to learn?”

Have him right behind you? Guiding your body? You'd expire on the spot.  And yet, self control was becoming less and less important. “Why not?”

The table beside you held the drinks as he moved in. It was a mistake. But the heady brush of his cologne over your senses blocked that out. It was one night. What would it hurt?

Time seemed to blur from the patrone. From the soft touch of his fingers against your hip and wrist. You didn't know how it happened. One minute, you were working on the darts.

The next? You were in the middle of the crowd. Whining your hips to “Right Thurr” by Chingy. Even the music forgetting the purpose of the night. A strong chest pressed to your back as your fingers dug into the back of his neck. Holding him over you as a warm bulge pressed against you. The deep grind of it sent sparks scattering through your body.

All at once, you spun around. Sense crashing back into place for the moment. Slapping your hand to his chest, you demanded his attention. Gazing up into the pink stained cheeks and glazed emerald. “Y/N?”

“We have to go home.” Something sparked in his eyes that forced you to remove all contact. You had to get away. Clear your head.

The entire ride home was filled with charged silence. Your uber driver sent amused glances between you two. As soon as you pulled into the driveway, you were out the door. Rushing to the place where you were sure you'd be safe.

When the door clicked behind you, it was as if all the air had been ripped from your lungs. He was right there. Too close. That heady, almost sweet scent cloaking the air between you two.

“I...” Speaking was practically impossible as he stepped closer. Nothing about the night made sense. And yet, your weakness held you right where you were. “I had...”

“Fun?” He finished for you. His eyes moving from yours down to your lips. The only thing you could do was nod dryly. Warning bells screamed in your head when his lips curled up. “Me too.” At the first touch of his fingers against your cheek, your pulse jumped. It was gentle. And yet, nothing had felt more threatening.

“We should...” Irresistible. That's the only word you could think as his caress against your cheek slipped down to your throat. It was impossible to hold out against the draw.

“Definitely.” Warm breath drifted across your face. He was the one who'd initiated contact. Who'd leaned in. But, it was you who lifted up. Unable to hold back for another second. Lifting your hands to his hold him where you wanted him as your lips pressed home almost innocently. If he was surprised, he didn't show it. Instead, he drug you closer as your head fell back. Strong fingers digging into your hair as his mouth moved down to your throat. Turning everything hot in a moment...

Forever: @dean-winchesters-bacon​​ @supernaturalginger​​ @lilulo-12​​ @awesome-badass-cafeteria-sauce​​ @michaelneedssomemilk​​ @lemondropirwin​​ @fanfictionismydeath​​ @neii3n​​ @zpandaqueen​

Dean/Jensen: @akshi8278​​ @screechingartisancashbailiff​​  @woodworthti666​​ @coldmuffinbanditshoe @weepingwillowphoenix​​ @delightfully-wicked​

ODAAT: @winchester-ofthe-lord​ @smoothdogsgirl​ @ima-be-a-mongoose​ @briagallen​ @agusdoti​ @my-proof-is-you @deanwinchestersmydaddy​ @sucker-for-dean @blacktithe7​ @thevelvetseries​ @sucker-for-dean  @sociopathtime​ @deans-baby-momma @aomi-nabi​​ @brandinicole911​ @demonqueen47​ @c-ly-g​ @bakabozza​ @socalgem1124​​ @hillface89​​ @winchester-fantasies​​ @redwineloves​​ @monkeymcpoopoo​​ @mcshloemer @chocolateheart​ @hystylessmendes @lyarr24​ @hugwinchester​ 

#supernatural #SPN #supernatural fanfiction #spn fanfiction #supernatural reader insert #spn reader insert #Jensen #jensen ackles #Jensen x You #jensen x reader #jensen x y/n #jensen ackles x y/n #jensen ackles x reader #jensen ackles x you #Jensen Fanfiction #jensen ackles fanfiction #jensen ackles reader insert #jensen reader insert

[animebw]

Binge-Watching: Sakamoto, Episodes 1-3

And so we begin! In which Sakamoto is literally The Best, and that’s really the one joke going on, which doesn’t give me much hope in this show’s staying power.

Apollo Boy

Sakamoto is the best. That is the point of his character: he is literally the best. He’s naturally cooler, nicer, smarter, more talented, and more popular than everyone he comes across. He is simply the greatest dude you could ever meet, with no qualifications or flaws. And on the surface, you think a character like that would be unspeakably boring. How many times has the anime community collectively raged against bland wish-fulfillment protagonists who can literally do nothing wrong? Characters like Kirito, Ayato, and any other bargain-bin light novel protagonist you could name are harshly criticized for a reason. They’re boring to watch because you know they’ll never fail or be significantly challenged in any way. They come off less like characters and more like the author masturbating his audience. And yet, Sakamoto isn’t boring. He’s actually pretty charming! In fact, the genius of him as a protagonist is that the way he goes about being perfect isn’t just endearing on its own merits, it actively gets you swept up in the same fervor that everyone else feels for him. You legitimately believe this guy’s the coolest motherfucker in the room, and you don’t mind a bit as long as you get to keep seeing him be awesome.

The trick, I think, is that Sakamoto isn’t just unrealistically perfect: he genuinely enjoys being himself. He knows he’s the coolest dude around and enjoys the attention, but nothing about him is put-on or phony. He’s just naturally that amazing, and he goes about doing amazing things as if he never considered those acts anything less than natural. Someone pulls a chair out from under him as he sits? His body instinctively sinks him into an air-sit without so much as a stumble. Water bursts in his face? He effortlessly transitions into a hot hunk getting his shirt soaked. He presents prepackaged cafeteria sandwiches as if they’re fancy finger food just to make the act of eating them more enjoyable. He turns the school vending machine into a goddamn cocktail bar. He slips into serving as a bully’s lapdog with the regal grace of playing butler to a noble lord: ”That melody beckons me.” No matter what situation he’s in, he finds a way to make it cool as if it’s second nature to him. It’s not an affect or a posture, it’s just who he earnestly is. And despite how unrealistic someone like Sakamoto is, the fact that he owns it so well kinda makes you buy it in spite of yourself. Of course he’s just that perfect; what else could he possibly be?

Cool, Cooler, Coolest

This is the foundation for pretty much the show’s only joke: somebody tries to treat Sakamoto like a normal, flawed person, but Sakamoto scuttles their efforts by being so gosh darn perfect, and in doing so makes them want to overcome their own flaws to be a little more like him. Really, that’s the basis of every single gag in this show. And a lot of the time, it works! Sakamoto’s inhuman perfection is so far removed from how everyone else sees the situation that it’s sometimes hard to tell if he’s purposefully trolling his enemies with kindness or if he’s really that oblivious to how he’s turning their ill intentions against them. When he takes the fall for the thugs who try to jump him in the first episode and proposes writing his apology note in calligraphy, was that to rub it in their faces a bit to make sure they got the point, or was he simply eager to go the extra mile? Certainly, clobbering the bullies in episode 2 and leaving their victim to deliver the finishing blow himself felt deliberate. And then he takes a posturing girl’s attempts to flirt with him and flips them around to make her true self shine through so she’s able to make friends with her other classmates instead. You get the sense he’s more of a “teach a man to fish” kind of guy, putting people in scenarios where they’re able to solve their problems for themselves rather than just fixing them and failing to solve the root of their issues. See how far overboard he goes showing kindness to his punk boss in episode 3 that he treads into horror villain territory (”Please. Your carriage awaits.”), teaching the guy a karmic lesson about making everyone else do his chores for him. But there’s never any malice in his actions; he just wants everyone to be their best self, and everyone's obliviousness to how well he’s guiding them down that path definitely got some chuckles out of me.

Lesser Fishermen

On the other hand, I fear that this isn’t a joke the show can sustain for the entirety of the show. Even just three episodes in, it’s already running the risk of growing stale. A big part of the issue is that I find most of the side characters completely uninteresting; they’re just there for Sakamoto to bounce off of and prove he’s better than them. Yeah, Sakamoto being cooler and more interesting than them is The Point(tm), but I don’t find myself particularly eager to see anyone else on screen other than our titular hero. Well, okay, the punk voiced by Tomokazu Sugita I enjoy, because Sugita is always a welcome presence in my house, and his instant gay crush on Sakamoto warms my cold dead heart (”Don’t tell me he stole your heart?” “HAHAHAHAHA!”) But no one else really interests me, and I’m not really a fan of most of their performances. They’re so self-consciously “I’m a gross, awkward normal person” that they ironically circle back around to feeling more fake than Sakamoto’s effortlessly gentlemanly dulcet tones. The production isn’t the best either; character animation is stiff outside the punchy gag moments, and the faces/facial expressions lack the kind of detail you want to help sell all the exaggerated reactions. They feel like lesser versions of Prison School’s excellent shit-eating expression work. At this point, Sakamoto’s running on the strength of just this one gag, and I’m not sure how much gas it really has in the tank. But I suppose we’ll just have to wait and see.

Odds and Ends

-”I-I mean, your blonde hair is stylish too.” In this house, we stan guys appreciating each other’s fashion sense.

-Also, this extended long shot is an effectively silly way to deliver exposition.

-OKAY BUT WHERE’D THE WATERSPOUT COME FROM

-Today, I have seen someone duel a bee’s stinger with a compass, and it was good.

-”...though the routine requires you actually hit the other person.” Okay, Hi-Dive’s translator notes are popping off today.

-”Dude, how long are we gonna keep playing volleyball?” dskjfhskjdfhds

-”One smile. Takeout, please.” sdkjfhsdkf GOD DAMMIT I SHIP THEM

-”It can’t be used on air?!” who even are you

-”Humans are so fascinating.” At this point, I half-suspect he is an alien.

-”Sorry! I’ll buy something moist right away!” ...no comment.

-”Perhaps I’m somewhat out of sync?” is he getting self-conscious oh my GOD

And with that, we’re on our way! Here’s hoping this turns out a pleasant surprise. See you next time!

#anime #the anime binge-watcher #tabw #sakamoto #sakamoto desu ga #haven't you heard? i'm sakamoto

[some-creep]

CREEP RANKS EVERY SONG IN NIER... AUTOMATA (mostly) BY TITLE

Because, like, no one played Gestalt. Also this game has more songs.

Significance Like. I guess. It’s a title you can use. What is significant? We don’t know. The characters don’t know. They are struggling to find out. We all are. What is meaning? What really matters? I don’t know but we’re all crying. 8/10

City Ruins – Rays of Light / Shade Plays in the ruins of the city. Exactly as advertised. Sounds sad like you might imagine. 9/10

Peaceful Sleep This is the Resistance camp right? Peaceful things don’t tend to happen there honestly. At least not as we keep going. Sounds like a sleepy JRPG town though. Ok title for the mood it gives. I like this song a lot so I’m cheating and giving it more points than I know it deserves as just, like, a title. 8/10

Memories of Dust Sand is dusty. What memories? We’re making them. Cool title. Sounds like a YA novel though. 9/10

Birth of a Wish Genuinely often get confused with the Silent Hill 2 bonus story Born from a Wish whenever I try to remember what this song is called. This Cannot Continue / 10

The Color of Depression This is like… a really cool title. Thanks. That Scanner boy is not gonna live the happy family life you all for some reason keep suggesting he is. Bad things are gonna happen to him. He dies anyway. 11/10

Amusement Park Yeah. I guess. We certainly are in the amusement park level. Creep why does this one rank so much lower than City Ruins which was also just “name of location”. Amusement park is not a cool title. City Ruins is a cool title. 7/10

A Beautiful Song Would you say Simone has girlpower? Would you say Simone successfully used her girlpower to kill and consume countless androids and also turn them into near lifeless weapons and body jewelry? 9/10

Voice of No Return Sad title. Sad song. Exactly as advertised once again. I feel sad listening to the Automata OST most of the time. Is this quest complete in the camp? I think so. Anyway it’s really sad. I love to cry. 11/10

Grandma – Destruction Um so this is like. Genuinely a horrible title. It reminds me of the title of a darkweb video which I will say no more on. This song is REALLY good its a shame this title is so… uh. Bad. It’s just bad. 1/10

Faltering Prayer – Dawn Breeze / Starry Sky This is another really cool title. This game is about like… life after god. I’m not here to get thematic. I say in a list entirely about if the song fits the theme. Anyway this is a cool title. The song again… sounds sad.  One of them is a music box which I love. Cheating again. 10/10

Emil’s Shop EVERY DAY’S A SALE. EVERY SALE’S A WIN. 12/10!!

Treasured Times The fact this plays after Emil’s shop on the OST is the biggest tonal whiplash in the world. This song makes me feel an emotion I cannot describe. It’s something like sadness but not quite. This isn’t a review of the songs, just the title. But reading the title makes me feel that emotion too but stronger when I think about it. I don’t know. 9/10

Vague Hope – Cold Rain / Spring Rain Good title… Thematically very appropriate. Not COOL like some of the others but it feels right feels canon. I like it. It’s just the city ruins quest complete song but it also plays in one of the fucking… DLC fights. That makes me extra sad. 10/10

End of the Unknown Which unknown was ended. Genuinely think when this plays I had more unknowns than knowns. This song sounds like every song from the Gestalt DLC. 6/10.

Pascal At least Automata has far fewer “named after a character” songs. They just have named after a place songs. I love Pascal so if I give this a low score he might be upset. 8/10

Forest Kingdom It really… the forest huh. Random but one of the songs in Code Vein does a vocal thing that always reminds me of this song for some reason. That has nothing to do with this game or this songs title at all I just wanted to tell you. Long Live The Forest King / 10

Dark Colossus – Kaiju This song is also in Gestalt. It’s cooler here. More stakes. Song title suggests less stakes though? That’s kinda weird. Because of this it loses points. I’m sorry. 7/10

Copied City Dude I left this one off the list when I first typed it out lol. Someone not to @ anyone told me this was based on Nier’s village. Lie to me again. I don’t know what City is being Copied. One of them. It reminds me more of the Cathedral City from DoD3. Which is a bad horrible game that I completed 100%. 8/10

Wretched Weaponry Not to be confused with Wretched Automatons. Is this like, a remix? My ears don’t work so I don’t know. Don’t inform me because I love being stupid. Anyway, in the narrative it makes sense. It’s a good, cool title. Song is softer than the title would suggest. 9/10

Possessed by Disease COOL SONG TITLE. Thank you. This plays… somewhere. Uh. Hm. I’ve 100% completed this game like three times. 9/10

Broken Heart You think you’re gonna hear a sad song? SURPRISE. Sinister as hellllll. Subverted expectations baby. MCU take notes. I’ve never seen a movie in the MCU. Loving the dark tones in this. Broken heart but the emotion isn’t just sad. GOOD STUFF. 10/10

Mourning Again. You think it’s gonna be sad? But BOOM. It isn’t. I mean it still is, but in a dark way. These aren’t song reviews. These are title reviews. But if a title suggests one thing and delivers another that’s still a valid point right? I don’t know. Hey wait isn’t this just Shadowlord’s Castle? Yonah / 10

Dependent Weakling Well, it’s no Song of the Ancients – Fate, but it’ll do. In all seriousness, this is like, a great song title for Eve’s boss battle. Y’know, because he relied so heavily on Adam and all’a that. Maybe a little on the nose. Maybe a little rude. Eve sucks / 10

Rebirth & Hope Sounds hopeful. Plays during ending A where we see a Rebirth cos 9S super doesn’t die. This song is literally 30 seconds long why am I even bothering. Oh, right, because it’s on the OST at all. 30 second songs / 10

War & War Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here, this is the war room. It… sounds like a war room song. A preparing for a big battle song. Once again, exactly as advertised. Plays before a big battle. It really thematic naming! Peace was never an option. 8/10

Crumbling Lies Words cannot express how much I adore this song. First of all, title is on point. It’s the song that plays when you get to  Route C. Literally the moment I fell in love with the game. The Bunker is destroyed, which, again… maybe it’s a bit on the nose. I don’t care. This is the perfect song title to the perfect song. I will die on this hill. 12/10

Widespread Illness Red Eye except it’s robots now. Very thematically appropriate. Everyone is dying. There’s nothing you can do to cure it except kill them. They’re incredibly infectious. Zombie Virus but with Robots. Can you tell I don’t remember what it’s called? I’m writing this at 1am and I’ve decided it’s funnier if I don’t look anything up. Sounds very somber… I like it. 9/10

Fortress of Lies Not to be dramatic but when I read this English title I was like MMMMMMMNNN because like. I get it. It plays in the Bunker. Which… is built on lies. Again. Incredibly on the nose but when I learned what the song was called I just fucking DIED the first time. I’m stupid. I don’t care. 11/10

Song of the Ancients – Atonement Another song I died when I learned the title of. Devola and Popola in that game have nothing to atone for. They are atoning for sing they did not commit. Punished for the crimes of another set of Androids, possibly thousands of miles away. It’s not fair. They have nothing to atone for. They’ve done nothing wrong. 12/10 crying creeps.

Blissful Death FUCK. This one plays in the Devola and Popola like. Text Adventure part. Which is just. I love it so much. No one dies in that though. Well… maybe someone does. It’s not impossible that Popola hurt someone. It’s suggested that, maaaaybe she did. No one stops. No one Stops.

Emil – Despair Emil’s life has quite literally only been despair. Please don’t bully him with your song titles like this… 9/10

Alien Manifestation Vintage meme of that guy from the history channel with the impact font that just says Aliens.  This game has aliens, I will give you that. They’re all dead though. I guess the machines are aliens but. Eh. Wait doesn’t this play in the castle? There aren’t even aliens there what the fuck. 5/10

The Tower There’s a tower. This plays there. Thank you. Also the name of a tarot card I think? That could be cool if I knew a single goddamn thing about tarot cards. I don’t. 6/10

Bipolar Nightmare Cool flying section. Has anyone found Grun skip yet? Because the bounty for that was like. A lot of money. Vaguely a cool song title. I kinda like it. Although for some reason it reminds me of The Evil Within’s Japanese title, Psychobreak. So I think I like it less because of that. Not the worst title, but maybe the lowest of the COOL EDGY song titles. Fucking love the piano part in this one though. 7/10

The Sound of the End Really super cool and sexy song title. 2B is going to die but she can’t let anyone else get hurt because of it. She’s already done so much damage. This song is really dramatic sounding. The title is dramatic. Love this one a lot. The actual playable segment is kind of a struggle. But I think that’s the point… 10/10

Weight of the World / End of YoRHa I once got into an internet fight because I said this song is about every character except 9S because of the line “I’m only one girl”. I was corrected that the Japanese version is basically EXCLUSIVELY about 9S. None of this is relevant at all I just wanted to remember it. I still do not like 9S. Thematically a brilliant title. Everyone feels like they must do so much… but you cannot bear the weight of the world alone. Ending E legitimately makes me cry. Whenever I think about the messages from other players supporting me? It’s a lot. What the fuck. 12/10

#nier #nier automata #long post #creep ranks

[5hining-aus]

SHINee As Single Dads - Birthdays

Anonymous said: How would the shinee single dads be throwing a birthday party for their kiddos? Who has the huge hall rented out? Who threw balloons in the corner and popsicles in a cooler? Who had the party filmed for some reality show called “My Big Birthday Blast” with plenty of drama to go with it? (Not saying it would be Key but let’s be honest... 😂)

As we all know, it is scientifically improbable that all the parties would be pulled off smoothly. Here’s what I think would happen.

Onew

He’s never thrown one of these things by himself so he’s a little overwhelmed, but it’s his oldest’s 13th birthday so gosh darn it, he’s gonna try his best to make his son’s birthday a memorable one

On an angstier note, this is the first birthday since Jinki’s wife’s passing and his son wasn’t taking it so well, so Jinki really wants everything to go well and bring his son a little joy

Everything...does not go as planned

First, the venue Jinki had chosen for the party wound up being double-booked. He had booked it later than the other person, so he lost the spot

Then, the decorations that he had ordered got lost during shipping

And finally, just when Jinki thought that he had gotten everything sorted out, there was a massive snowstorm and none of the guests could make it

The “birthday party” winds up being Jinki and his son sitting on the couch eating an unholy amount of pizza together (because Jinki ordered it in advanced, anticipating a decent-sized group, and apparently pizza delivery drivers don’t care about a full-on blizzard)

Jinx is absolutely crushed, but his son knows how hard he tried and isn’t all that upset, he’s just happy he got to spend some time with his dad

Jonghyun

Has zero clue what he’s doing

He’s never thrown a child’s birthday party before and this is kind of a baptism-by-fire

He legitimately googled “how to throw a birthday party for 10-year-olds.” It didn’t help much, so he asked the other dads and his mom for tips

He’s the dad who winds up renting a whole fire hall

Look, he had to make sure there was room for all the guests, the food, the live band, all that stuff

He bakes and decorates the birthday cake himself. It actually ends up looking and tasting pretty good

Things wind up going rather well (considering the fact he was a complete amateur at party-planning)

Also, that day was the day Jonghyun’s son called him “dad” for the first time. He literally had to excuse himself from the party to go cry in the bathroom (they were happy tears, don’t worry)

Key

Look, Key’s daughter is his little princess. She’s had him wrapped around her little finger since the day she was born.

So when the apple of his eye said that she wanted unicorns at her princess-themed 4th birthday party, Kibu started trying to figure out ways to make that happen

Luckily, a friend of a friend had ponies, so those ponies became unicorns for the day

Once the “unicorns” were arranged, then came the time to get his daughter’s party dress

It was a custom-made ballgown that had the poofiest skirt that Key had ever seen

Once they had the dress ordered, it was time for decor

Just imagine the most extravagant, frilly, obnoxiously pink birthday party you can think of. That’s pretty much what the end product was

A video of the set-up winds up going viral and Key gets interviewed by a couple of online news sites and local news channels. Some people think the whole thing was a bit excessive, but Key’s daughter was happy and that’s all that mattered to him

Minho

It’s hard enough planning a birthday party for one 5-year-old, imagine having to do it for three

Minho is exhausted, and it doesn’t help that his girls all want different themes

Seriously, how do you plan a birthday party that’s pirate, fairy, and fish-themed

Like, pirates and fish go together easily, but fairies? How can he work that in?

Eventually, though, he comes up with a theme that involves fairy pirates and their magical fish friends

He knows that the theme is a bit strange, but he’s a single dad doing his best, leave him be

And the guest list, oh my god, the guest list is probably three miles long. Minho never realized how many friends 5-year-olds could have (then again, they are his children, so it’s not overly surprising)

Minho plans the thing like a drill-sergeant (but, like, a kid-friendly drill-sergeant) and actually manages to pull it off rather smoothly

He wanted to sleep for like a week afterwards though

Taemin

Let’s not kid ourselves here, Taemin’s twins are still infants, they aren’t going to remember if they had a massive party or not

They also don’t really have any non-family friends because, once again, they’re infants

Taemin will most certainly go all-out for his kids’ birthday once they’re old enough to care but, for now, the “party” is just a get-together with the other dads and their kids

Nothing wild, just your basic summer gathering: ice cream, popsicles, a barbeque, maybe a little kiddie pool and some games or something

The other guys are definitely teasing him about “taking the easy route” but Taemin’ll have you know that he worked VERY hard blowing up the balloons

Taem knows that the party is as basic as it gets, but once again, the kids won’t remember

However, when the kids are old enough to ask for certain things for and remember their birthday parties, hoo boy

Not even the circus will have anything on a Taemin Lee party

#SHINee AU #SHINee imagines #SHINee #SHINee scenarios #5HINee #jinki #jonghyun #kibum #minho #taemin #SHINee As Dads #Domestic!SHINee #SHINee As Single Dads

[yes-i-am-happyaspie]

Peter’s Spooder Island

Summary: Peter has anew game that he just can’t put down. Tony begrudgingly allows his favorite spiderling to teach him how to play and then maybe gets a mild addiction of his own. Or: Peter and Tony Play Animal Crossing

Alternate title: Animal Bossing

Warnings: None

Tags: Tony Stark Does What He Wants, Precious Peter Parker, Animal Crossing: New Horizon… …

Word Count: 2605

Link to Post on AO3: Peter’s Spooder Island-happyaspie

 “Hey, Pete?”, Tony said as he crossed the room to find his kid sitting hunched over a Nintendo Switch instead of doing what he’d said he’d come over to do.   "I thought you were here to work on your web-shooters.“

Peter nodded his head, never looking up from the screen.  "I was.  I finished that a little while ago.  One of them was just jammed up and I didn’t have the right tools to fix it at home.”, he replied, waving his hand vaguely towards the small magnetic screwdriver set that was still sitting on the corner of his work-space alongside his newly unjammed web-shooter.

“Okay…”, Tony returned, still somewhat confused by the lack of actual work getting done.  Typically if the kid was in the lab he was busy doing something.  Even if it was just messing around with the box of scraps that were kept in the corner for his benefit alone.  Admittedly the boy had been known to finish his homework at that desk, too but never had he ever seem him sit there just… playing games.  Not even on his phone.  “Well, if you’re done with that, do you want to help me work on this prototype for the conference we have coming  up in June?”

Still fully engrossed in the game in his hands, Peter hesitated.  “Uh… yeah.  Just… just hang on a second, Mr. Stark.  I’m almost done here.”, he said, glancing up momentarily just to make sure that he wasn’t going to get in any sort of trouble but all his mentor did was roll his eyes and walk away.  Taking that as an invitation to finish what he’d started and join the man at his workstation later, he turned back towards the screen

However, as time passed, Tony quickly realized that the kid wasn’t making any sort of effort to finish up anything.  Rather he looked fully invested in his game and had clearly lost track of time.  “Okay, kid.  You said a second and it’s been over twenty minutes.  What gives?”, he asked as he crossed the distance that had been between them.  “What are you doing on that game system that’s more important than working with me?”

“Huh?”, Peter questioned before everything registered all at once.  He’d not realized how long he’d been sitting there.  “Oh.  It’s not like, important, important I was just playing Animal Crossing… If I catch one more fish I’ll have enough Nook Miles to buy bigger pockets.”

“Come again.”, Tony replied with a quirk of his brow.  “As simple as all of those words are, they don’t make any sense in that order, kiddo.”

Peter looked up at that and smiled.  “Yes, it does.  Look, I’ll show you.”, he replied before changing his position so that Tony could look over his shoulder.  “It’s part of the game…”, he began to explain, going over the various things that he’d mentioned while finishing up his tasks.  “…and now I can go visit another island that might have cooler stuff on it, like cherries or some sort of crazy flowers or something.”, he finished and looked up towards his mentor who looked no less confused than when he’d started.

“This is it.  This is what’s keeping you from taking advantage of my workshop?  Virtual currency, and an annoying raccoon?”, Tony inquired with a huff.  

“Tanuki.”, Peter responded without missing a beat, though he understood the confusion.  

“What?”, Tony returned with a shake of his head.  

Peter looked up at his mentor with a serious look on his face and repeated his reply but with a bit more of an explanation this time.  “He’s not a raccoon, Mr. Stark.  He’s a tanuki." 

"That is neither here nor there, kid.”, Tony said with a roll of his eyes and then pointed towards the Nintendo with a sigh.  “Why don’t you pack that up and come help me with getting this concept off the ground.  We need a  prototype by the end of the week if we’re going to stay on track.”, he stated and stood there with his hands on his hips for several seconds while he waited for the offending game system to be tucked out of sight.

From there, they worked side by side on the design work and Tony thought that would be the end of it for the day.  Except, the moment they had finished dinner and settled onto the couch for their typical Friday night movie, the kid had the Nintendo back in his hands, clicking away.  “I thought I asked you to put that up.”

“You did but I didn’t know you meant for rest of the day.”, Peter said with a frown.  Usually, the man didn’t care if he texted his friends or played games on his phone, he wasn’t sure why playing a handheld- video game system was any different.  “Besides, it’s night time now and I want to try and catch some tarantulas.”

“Tarantulas.”, Tony flatly replied before his tone took on a hint of amusement.  “Of course, you would want to catch a bunch of spiders.  I guess that makes sense.”

“It’s not like that, Mr. Stark.”, Peter laughed.  “They’re worth like, eight-thousand bells and I want to be able to pay off my loan.”

“Can’t you do that later?”, Tony asked but he’d already sort of resigned himself to a movie-less evening.  The kid was all kinds of hung up on playing games and what was most annoying about that was that it wasn’t even a good game.  He would have happily engaged with the boy if it had been something a little more… action.  Racing, fighting… anything but that.  

“The store closes at ten and I won’t be able to sell them.”, Peter said, already turned back to his game.  Then an idea struck and he grinned at his mentor who had sat down beside him. “Hey!  How about we put it up on the TV and then you can watch.”, he suggested.  Tony waved a hand haphazardly towards the television in response.  

For a while, Tony sat and watched Peter skip around between fishing and trying to catch spiders.  Laughing when the boy ended up being bitten by one because being bitten by spiders just seemed to be a thing with the kid.    Then, as time passed he started to lose interest and began to doze off in the corner of the couch, only to be woken moments later by the teenager nudging him in the arm. 

When it looked like his mentor was no longer interested in what he was doing on screen, Peter considered turning it off and putting on a movie instead.  Then another idea came to mind and he smiled. “Hey, Mr. Stark, do you want to play?  We could make you your own character and everything.”, he said with fervor, half-expecting the man to decline but when he was met with a grumbled, ‘fine’, he was elated despite the man’s lack of enthusiasm.  

Once Tony had the controller in his hands he was quick to make it through the setup, Peter prompting him the whole time.  That worked out for him because with the kid sitting right there giving him sept by step instructions he didn’t have to listen to the squeaky little voices speak what sounded like gibberish to him.  Then he finally made it to 'Spooder Island’, the name giving him a second’s pause before rolling his eyes.

“Awesome.  Next, you get to pick where you’re going to put your tent.”, Peter said with a smile just as the man had started reading what amounted to a tutorial.  

Tony hummed in response as he squinted his eyes at the words and then scoffed.  “He’s going to charge me for a tent?  It’s a tent.  I’m going into debt over a tent.”, he stated with what sounded like legitimate annoyance much to Peter’s amusement.  

“You can play that off pretty quickly with Nook Miles.”, Peter eagerly replied.  “You just need to DIY a fishing pole and a bug net.  You’ll have to find some sticks to make them and then you can use the workbench in my house to make them.  Then you can go fishing and stuff to earn miles–”

“–One thing at a time, kid.”, Tony interrupted with a chuckle as he continued to skip through the majority of the dialogue.  “Where do you want me to put this stupid tent.”

Peter smiled and gestured towards the right of the screen.  “My house is over by the beach.  We could be neighbors.”, he animatedly proclaimed as he continued to give the man directions towards a viable spot to set up camp.  Soon after that, he was happily explaining how to find sticks, make tools, fish and track down insects.  

After spending a good thirty minutes walking up and down the beaches and rivers patiently waiting to catch fake fish, Tony sighed.  “This is the most tedious thing I think I have ever done.  How is this fun?”, he asked as he rubbed his hand down his chin.

“I dunno.  It just is.”, Peter replied with a shrug of his shoulders and then absolutely lit up as the man caught another fish. “Ohh!  That’s a good one, Mr. Stark!  It’s worth three-thousand bells!”, he shouted as he bounced in place.  

“I thought I was trying to get ’Nook Miles’.”, Tony asked with a quirk of his brow.  

“Yeah, but you’ll want bells too.  You’ll see.”, Peter countered with a smile just as the notification of Nook Rewards popped back up in the corner.  “Look!  You’ve got more Nook Miles!”

As the night passed Tony began to get more and more into the game.  He’d finally worked out the controls and was getting better at knowing what things needed to be done in order to obtain currency.  Then finally, he was able to save up the necessary number of  Nook Miles to pay of his tent and cheered as he took off to pay off his loan.  “Ah-ha!  That’s it.  Paid off with miles to spare.”, he added with a smile that quickly faded once Peter had prompted further interaction that led to another debt. “Now he’s going to charge me for a house?  Why didn’t he just offer to build me a house, to begin with?  This is ridiculous.”, he grumbled but that didn’t seem to stop him from playing.  It was quite the opposite really because never once did he ever even offered to give the controller back to Peter.

As the hour grew late, Peter started rubbing his eyes and eventually laid down across the couch as his mentor continued to make progress.  Then when he was sure he couldn’t keep his eyes open any longer he gave in and sat up.  “I’m going to bed, Mr. Stark.”, he yawned.

“Sure.  'Night, Kiddo.”, Tony replied, never taking his eyes off the screen.   

Peter stood at the threshold between the living room and the hallway for several seconds expecting to see the man start to pack up the game but he didn’t.  Finding that more than intriguing, he tilted his head to the side and asked, “Are you staying up to play?”

It was then that Tony realized that he’d been sucked in and had to pause momentarily to come up with an excuse as to why he’d not automatically turned the stupid game off when Peter had said he was going to bed. “Uh… no. I was just going to finish this up.  Then I need to get back down to the lab and go over we started earlier.  Make sure it’s up to speed”, he lied.  There was nothing to go over.  He just wanted the kid to go to bed so that he could continue the game without feeling like a moron. 

“Okay, well, I’ll see you in the morning then.”, Peter returned with a knowing smile before turning towards his bedroom door, wondering how long it would be before Tony would be buying his own copy of the game.  

The answer to that question ended up being 'the next day’ when it occurred to Tony that Peter would be taking the game back home with him.  His plan had been to purchase the game after Peter had left for the day but then the kid had questioned him, at breakfast, about what all he’d done on the island after he’d gone to bed.  Once he’d inadvertently replied to that, there was no denying anything.  So, with nothing to hide, he’d ended up having his own island set up before his mentee had even left the building.  It was fine though, everybody needed a good stress free way to spend their free time and maybe this was his.  

The rest of the weekend was spent redoing everything he’d already done on Peter’s island on his own.  It went much quicker the second time around but even still, he’d not really counted on exactly how much time he would actually put into it until Monday rolled around.  He’d gotten up with the intention of checking his calendar to see if he had anything pressing to do that day but as he was sipping on his coffee, the Nintendo laying on the side table in the living room caught his attention.  He figured that spending a few minutes in the game wouldn’t hurt and carried his mug into the other room.

Sometime later, when Pepper came into the penthouse with her arms crossed over her chest he startled just slightly. “Tony?  What are you doing?  You’re supposed to be getting ready for a board meeting.”, she’d said, gesturing towards where he was lounged across an armchair wearing pajama pants and a tank top, playing the Nintendo.

Glancing up for half a second, Tony nodded his head and pretended like he hadn’t completely forgotten that work existed.  “Oh.  Yeah, yeah, I know.”, he said with mock assurance.  “Just give me a second.  Filbert wants me to catch a pill bug for him and if I’m lucky I’ll find the money rock in the process.”, he added in a rush and then dropped his gaze back down to the screen in his lap.

“What are you talking about, Tony?”, Pepper asked with a smiled that would have turned into a laugh if she wasn’t so pressed for time.  The meeting was supposed to be starting in less than half an hour and it didn’t look like the man had even considered getting dressed yet, let alone showered.

“Nothing, don’t worry about it.”, Tony, grumbled towards the screen before looking up with a deep sigh. “Look, I’ll see you at the meeting, alright.”, he continued but made no effort to get up from where he was comfortably seated with his legs dangling over one side of the large chair. 

Pepper stood there and watched the scene before her for an entire two minutes before rolling her eyes because the man hadn’t moved a singular inch in that stretch of time.  It was as if he’d already forgotten she was in the room or that he had anywhere to be.  It was clear that she would not be seeing Tony at that meeting but she supposed that wasn’t anything new.  He was often skipping meetings to do one thing or another, though it had never been because of a video game before.  She could only assume that had to do with Peter and laughed a little.  The two of them were two peas in a pod.  Then she shook her head and turned towards the door still smiling. “It’s fine Tony. I won’t hold my breath.”

———-

A/N: I was in the middle of writing a new chapter for Parenting Peter when this idea was mentioned to me and I had to write it because it was funny. My family has been takings turns playing it since the day it came out. 😂 It’s a good distraction!

#marvel fanfiction #mcu fanfiction #tony stark & peter parker #Peter Parker #Tony Stark #mcu fic #animal crossing new horizons #this is random #cross-posted #ao3fic #also on ao3

[ifritini]

So the prompt was from a conversation that basically went “wait video games are real in FFXV that means I can play my favourite games haha nice” which devolved “haha the lads reacting to you falling for vidy game characters” and going with it. Basically I took a shitpost prompt and ran with it. 

Noctis Lucis Caelum

He is OFFENDED the moment you either say it casually or let it slip. After all he's the one who suggested playing the game together to spend time together, only for you to proclaim your love for one of the characters. To think you'd fall for someone that's not him and admit to it just like that? Preposterous. 

In his mind he knows it's all fictional and you truly love him. His heart however? It knows a thing or two about jealousy from even one offhand comment about your new fave video game spouse. There are of course doubts here and there over just how much you truly love him but he tries to ignore them. Success varies depending on his current peace of mind. As best as he tries to keep this jealousy up under wraps, it's hard for Noctis to not subconsciously pout over it. 

He knows you love him more than that person on the television screen but sometimes knowing for himself isn't enough and you telling him that your love for him is far greater if not entirely incomparable to that of a fictional character. He knows it's petty and childish, but he will be smug about it. Perhaps even a "Take that!" directed at them. 

Takes up to teasing you over it. "Oh look, there's your Prince not as charming as me." whenever they appear on screen. No, the pillow to the face won't shut him up no matter how many times you throw it at him. 

Prompto Argentum

He is distraught. Shaken. His own chocobae betraying him like this, in his own home no less. He is quickly reduced into a mess faster than you can add onto your passing comment; "Man I think I'm falling for this character.". He believes his entire love life career has ended then and there. Prompto has been trying to play the game of love and he just got a fatality. 

He's known jealousy towards characters before, wishing he was as cool or as smart as them in the past but now he's found a new type: your affection for them. He puffs out his chest and attempts to be ten times cooler ten times braver and ten times more badass than his newfound rival and it's hard for him to be subtle about it. 

Prompto does need to be told that it's only a passing fictional crush and your love for him outshines the crush for this character, and always will. Sure they're neat but he's the whole cake with a cherry on top.

Apologises weeks later for his crisis because he progressed further in the game and fell in love with a separate character and understands precisely how you feel. You two bond over your fictional crushes and holding their hands while lounging on Prompto's couch holding each other's hands. 

Gladiolus Amicitia

He is indifferent. Partially indifferent. The other part is mildly offended he now has competition he can't square up with face to face. Can this character hold you in their arms? Give you kisses? Take you on long hikes? No? Then what's the point of loving them when he's right there ready to do all that and more. 

He can't say much though. He plays a ton of fighting games (and mostly got good at them to wipe the floor with Noctis whenever they played against each other) and Astrals know how many times he's felt a little swoon over either lady or man who could snap his spine in half with no effort. Not to count the same crushes with the same standards from the plethora of books he's read. To protest your crush would make him a hypocrite and Gladiolus most certainly isn't one. 

Not to say he doesn't slip in "Bet they can't love you as much as I do." and bringing you closer without a warning and smothering you with all the love only he can give. Nope, not jealousy. Not one bit. "You realise I love you more right?" you ask and he just beams like he heard it for the first time again. 

Much like Noctis he will relentlessly tease you over this. No you can't shut him up. No he won't stop. No shoving a pillow in his face won't work like with Noctis and he'll dodge it. But Astrals forbid you find out about his own pile of fictional crushes because it works wonders as a counterattack. 

Ignis Scientia 

Mostly confused over literal pixels managing to get your affection. Not that he blames you considering his schedule offers little free time but he can't help but find himself… Thinking. The day he admits this "thinking" is his cover up for sulking is the day he will die. A small, horrible little thought wonders if you're finally falling out of love with him. Again, he won't blame you due to his work. 

As silly as it is Ignis admits he feels jealousy. To himself only of course. He would rather die than let anyone else know that some fictional person has his heart in a twist over you. Him being so in control over his emotions is his triumph, but after it's been eating away at him after a while it becomes his downfall. 

"Did you really think I'd legitimately choose anyone over you?" comes your response after he finally decides to open up what's causing his most recent fowl mood. He knows it's silly. He assumes you know he knows it's silly. Yet hearing those words has him beaming. Hiding the self assured smug smile becomes harder with each passing second. 

Won't tease you as bad as Noctis and Gladio, but does make a passing comment every now and then. Though instead of teasing you over your crush, it's more in the ilk of "A shame they're not there to hold you like I am." 

Lunafreya Nox Fleuret 

She is FLOORED. What do you mean you love them? And what is she? A worm to you? She will be pouting about this and she will be miffed you can't take her seriously when she looks cute doing anything, including pouting. A shame she is very much so guilty of the same thing. You distinctly remember her talking about some muscle bound sword wielding girl in a television show a day before and how dreamy she was, and a week before about some ditzy male character in a book she found cute. She won't win this. 

Jealous? Absolutely. Does she try to hide it? Yes and the keyword is try. You easily tell what's up when she's frowning at the television and that character appears. She'll have her few attempts at denying anything but finally caves in and admits that she does in fact envy your feelings for a bunch of pixels no matter how small the affection. 

Knows she shouldn't need reassuring that you love her most but that doesn't stop her from revelling it when you confess your undying love. You can tell by the slight puffing up of her chest that she feels a GREAT sense of victory over this. 

It's just back and forth teasing and both your fictional crushes turn into a battlefield. It's all a game who can get the other flustered worse and sadly there are no winners when you both end up a mess. It's all good, and the scores are always settled by cuddles right after the battle is fought. 

Ravus Nox Fleuret 

Frankly he is offended. Granted you cannot tell by his disgruntled look that seems to be ever prevalent no matter his current internal turmoil. He is right there in the flesh and you're fawning over pixels? He just doesn't get it and refuses to. Immediately takes the leap to conclusions and assumes you truly don't love this mess of a man anymore. Laments over his continuous loss and begins coming to terms with his fate of being unloved. 

Tries not to be passive aggressive over it but it turns out it’s something easier said than done. Somehow he manages to perfectly convey it without any words - just glaring an impressive amount of daggers at the television screen. Hasn’t felt this jealous since that time before he could even muster up the courage to confess to you and he found out some random Niflheim soldier was chatting you up. At least then his competition was tangible. How was he to prove himself over some funky colours on the screen? 

The cat’s finally out of the bag and your suspicions are confirmed when he makes his first ever direct remark: “What’s so great about them anyways.”. His tone absolutely takes you aback; he sounds like a sibling who received a second less worth of attention from a parent. Ravus has to get affirmation that you do in fact love him a whole lot more. Ravus will revel in this little fun fact - or would smug be a better word? 

Cannot tease you without feeling jealousy creeping up and he absolutely hates himself for it. And so instead you get little offhand comments such as “Let them best me in a duel and we will see who wins your hand in marriage.” No varying levels of exasperation in your sigh will deter him, he will refuse to relent. 

Ardyn Lucis Caelum

For the most part he is confused. Didn’t really think someone could catch a bad case of the feelings for a fictional character but sometimes it’s best some questions go unanswered. Jealousy? In my Ardyn? It’s… less likely than you think. He knows for a FACT whoever this person is on the screen cannot even begin to compare to what he has. Perhaps their one redeeming factor is not being a walking talking daemon parade and being able to not sting in sunlight but that’s not enough to outshine this package. 

Doesn’t stop him from making a big show out of it all. He sees the chance to dramatically drape himself over your lap, lamenting how his one love has been snatched away by this stranger. The antics cannot and will not end. 

Doesn’t really need confirmation that you do in fact love him more, but appreciates it when you say it nonetheless. That’s simply proving him right and the only thing he loves more than being right is you. The second bonus is more smugness to throw around. “Oh I pity that poor soul, never knowing what true love feels like. Unlike me, of course.”. 

And a pity for you, because he’s found a new weaponised way to tease you with. A whole ten miles farther than Noctis or Gladio could ever wish for, you’d swear he’s writing you some sort of self insert fanfiction on the spot. The pros? He seems to be putting quite a lot of effort into it. The cons? He’s doing it specifically just to fluster you, alongside the things he decides to come up with to achieve that goal. 

Aranea Highwind 

Her confidence has not wavered since she found out. Or rather, it hasn’t wavered that much. Psh, of course you still love her. Right?  Right? Good thing that inner turmoil is kept under wraps. She’d much rather an Astral strike her down where she stands rather than have to admit she has beef with a fictional character you just so happened to take a liking to. 

Gets all in a little jealous twist wondering exactly what she’s missing. What does that pixelated rando have that she doesn’t? A physical body for one and that leaves her ever so slightly questioning her lover capabilities. Has she failed? Is this how it ends? You somehow ride off into the sunset with this character somehow materialised? What a life to live and this shall be her legacy. 

Her act gets thrown off and while normally concerning, this time you’re grateful so you can pinpoint just what’s on her mind. She may huff all she wants but there’s not much one can do caught red handed. Logically she knows she doesn’t need that affirmation but emotionally? By the Astrals does she wanna hear it. “You do realise… I love you more right…?” Damn right you do. Her confidence has reached astronomical new levels. 

There is no grandiose teasing but there is a few smug comments. Her goto is looking at the screen and tutting; “A shame they’ll never be me, huh babe?”. Absolutely takes is as a competition and knows she can win every battle by simply stating that she can do it ten times better, and will do it now given the chance. 

#noctis x reader #prompto x reader #gladiolus x reader #ignis x reader #lunafreya x reader #ravus x reader #ardyn x reader #aranea x reader #final fantasy xv #ffxv #noctis lucis caelum #prompto argentum #gladiolous amicitia #ignis scientia #lunafreya nox fleuret #ravus nox fleuret #ardyn lucis caelum #aranea highwind

[taaroko]

Post-IW MCU Rewatch: Black Panther

Time for an Afrofuturistic paradise!

Ohhhh, the meteor hit before humans came along. That makes so much more sense. Here I was misremembering that it landed in the backyards of these five tribes, and I was really confused that a meteor with a seemingly infinite supply of vibranium didn’t destroy everything for hundreds of miles. This makes much more sense.

The black sand hologram things are so much cooler than regular floating image holograms.

Hahahaha, okay, T’Challa freezing is adorable.

There are some great sibling and mom moments in this movie. Ramonda only had to see T’Challa’s face to know Shuri was flipping him off behind her back. Bahaha.

They did an amazing job on Wakanda. It’s Incredible to look at. From the city to the landscapes to the waterfall to the traditions of the different tribes. This whole movie has such an incredible atmosphere to it. This is the level of personality and culture I wish they’d given Asgard.

So I’ve seen critiques that question the wisdom of having a ritual combat to determine rule in such an advanced country. I think those critiques are missing the point. Wakanda’s flaw, aside from having a policy of isolationism at all costs, is clinging too hard to ceremony and tradition. It’s probably been many generations since they actually viewed the ritual combat as more than a token of respect to past tradition, but they didn’t actually delegitimize it in law, which is how Killmonger is able to take advantage of the situation.

The ancestral plane is beautiful.

“It’s hard for a good man to be king.” I desperately need Thor and T’Challa to interact. Have drinks and talk about the struggles of being king and having fathers who hid horrible truths.

So will T’Challa marry Nakia now that he’s come to agree with her politics?

Wakabi is kind of unreasonable. To turn on T’Challa for failing to bring Klaue back on his first attempt? Come on. T’Chaka failed to retrieve him for three decades, and you expect T’Challa to do it in one day? You are a bad friend.

Please let Peter and Shuri interact! They both love memes and “old” movies!

The whole suit fitting into the necklace strains credulity a bit. As does Tony’s bleeding edge armor. But I guess conservation of mass went out the window when Steve easy-baked from a sickly 90-pound kid to a 240-pound muscle-bound hunk, so it’s a bit late to start complaining.

*innocently* “For research purposes.”

Tolkien white guys!

Heck yes Okoye fight scene! Check out this gorgeous one-er!

Ohhhh it’s a vibranium car. So it breaks apart differently than a normal car would. I can accept the way Okoye and Nakia survive that crash better now. That was an important detail.

I, having two brothers, have never called either of them “Brother” to their faces in my life, nor have I ever heard anyone do this in real life, and yet I love when siblings do this in fiction. Brodinsons and royal house of Wakanda, please never change.

Klaue is so obnoxious.

Oh wow, I never noticed that they stuck those comms devices behind their ears.

Killmonger’s armor with the chestplate thing looks like some of the armor in Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic. Awesome.

I keep imagining an AU in which Asgard and Wakanda do regular trade and have embassies. Wakanda has vibranium and millennia of experience working with it, Asgard has magic and other types of advancements. It’d be an amazing alliance, and they could’ve had it for centuries without telling anyone else on Earth.

Seriously Wakabi, you’re being a jerk.

So basically, Killmonger is Hamlet. More on that later, but he just killed Ophelia. Also, the reveal that he’s the main villain, not Klaue, is the midpoint/turning point of this movie. It’s getting to the point where I don’t have to check the progress to recognize these moments. The MCU gets criticism for being formulaic, but if the formula is simply following the 3-act structure, it still leaves plenty of room for variety, so I fail to see the problem.

N’Jobu is a scary extremist. Nakia is the one with the right philosophy. But T’Chaka did not need to use lethal force. He had super strength and a vibranium suit. He could’ve subdued his brother and brought him in. Instead, he killed him and left his nephew to find the body. T’Chaka is a lot like Odin. I do think both became better men than they were in the early days of thei rrule, but they did nothing to correct some of their biggest mistakes. Instead, they buried them. How exactly did they expect their sons to do better jobs ruling without all the facts?

I really like that Killmonger and T’Challa both held their father’s bodies the same way and cried over them. Super important parallelism.

Hmm, vibranium is vulnerable to sonic weaponry. That’s really good to know. This stuff is a bit too versatile and powerful; it needs a weakness.

It’s super weird that Killmonger’s (American) name is Eric Stephens. There was an Eric Stephens in my grad program, and he sat in the cubicle next to me. 

There’s some interesting stuff about group identity in this movie. Tribe identity (the five tribes in Wakanda), national identity, racial identity, and humanity at large. Nakia wants to help humanity at large. The Jabari are the most tribal. The other four tribes are about their identity as Wakandans over their tribes. N’Jakada, who grew up in the US, surrounded by gang violence and police brutality, with a father who wanted to militarize the entire African Diaspora and was killed for that, effectively making him a martyr and proving him right in the eyes of his son, is about racial identity to a fascist degree. N’Jakada has legitimate concerns, and his backstory is tragic and unjust, but his solutions are evil. Getting what he wants (assuming enough people outside Wakanda, where loyalty to the throne is somewhat mandated, would even go along with his world conquest plan) would come at the expense of the soul of the people he claims he’s fighting for.

The upside-down shot of N’Jakada taking the throne is chilling and excellent.

Conquerors or conquered are not the only two options here, Wakabi. But that attitude is self-fulfilling prophecy.

M’Baku is awesome.

T’Challa’s second trip to the ancestral plane is when he really figures out what his priorities are and what he’s fighting for. He realizes what he wants Wakanda to be under his rule. He’s been fairly passive and lacking in his own ideology up until now. Now his heart is really in it. He’s become the Black Panther and a king, so now he just has to fight to reclaim those actual titles from a mad warlord.

“All that challenge shit is over. I’m the king now.” Yeah, N’Jakada has no respect for their traditions, he only exploited them.

“Your heart is so full of hatred! You are not fit to be a king!” Yesss! Choose what Wakanda stands for, don’t just hand your loyalty to a man who doesn’t deserve it. It’s pretty notable, though, that Okoye only withdraws loyalty to N’Jakada when she sees that T’Challa is alive. Because the challenge is ongoing, she is free to choose the king she wants. She never broke her oath.

Heck yeah, warrior princess!

Oh hey, her gauntlets totally do the same thing to N’Jakada’s suit that the rails on the trains do.

Aaaah the truth comes out. “You want to see us become just like the people you hate so much. You will destroy the world, Wakanda included.” “The world took everything away from me! I’m gonna make sure we’re even!” N’Jakada pretty much just admitted he’s the villain.

And the Jabari claim their identity as Wakandans. Woohoo!

Hehe, the rhino loves his mama.

The civil war in Wakanda is what the Asgard storyline in Ragnarok was missing. Hela just slaughtering everyone and generally being ludicrously OP is not interesting, but if a significant portion of the people had sided with her and there was a battle for the soul of Asgard? That would’ve been amazing, and I wouldn’t have just been impatient to get back to trash planet shenanigans.

It’s a shame N’Jakada dies. He’s a Loki caliber villain, and they could’ve given him a redemption arc or something.

Okay, weirdly, one of the details I like the most about the capital of Wakanda is that the ground doesn’t appear to be paved anywhere.

So if Bucky is White Wolf, does that mean he’s going to be in future Black Panther movies? Yes please?

Black Panther is very good, but I don’t think it makes it into my top five MCU movies. T’Challa needs more development. He’s too passive for too much of the movie. Shuri and Okoye are much more interesting characters and have much more personality than him, and the same goes for M’Baku and N’Jakada. Hopefully they’ll do more with T’Challa in future installments. A big part of what makes the Marvel movies so great in general is their compelling leads, but this movie didn’t make me as invested in T’Challa as a person as it made me invested in his country and the people around him. I want to be as invested in T’Challa as I am in characters like Thor, Peter Parker, Tony, Steve, the Guardians, Scott, and Stephen, characters like Frank, Matt, Luke, and Jessica. I think what would have gone a long way towards solving this problem would have been if he’d actually been a staunch defender of the traditional isolationist view, only to learn over the course of the movie that Nakia is right. Isolationism breeds xenophobia and over-inflates national pride, creating people like N’Jakada. Much better to embrace other countries and cultures and help each other grow. As it is, it seems like T’Challa goes along with the isolationist thing because that’s how they’ve always done it, but he doesn’t seem remotely passionate about it, and that’s to the detriment of his character.

Now, the Hamlet thing. It occurred to me the first time I saw this in theaters that N’Jakada is essentially Hamlet. His father was killed by his uncle, who is on the throne, and his quest for vengeance gets everyone around him including his lover and friends killed, and ultimately he dies too. Then a benevolent king takes the throne, having learned from this conflict.

#black panther #mcu rewatch #infinity war spoilers #kinda

[alexanderwrites]

Thoughts Roundup - Twin Peaks: The Return, Part 13

“What Story is That, Charlie?”

Last week, when we were given an episode that was slow, withholding with its information, and for many, very frustrating, I wasn’t worried. I wasn’t worried, because I knew it was just a strange, brief detour and that we should focus on the journey rather than the destination. I also didn’t worry because I thought the next episode would be better, and thankfully I was right. I’m no Angelo Badalamenti, so I won’t toot my own horn too much but I think now, hours after watching it, I’m realising that I was very right, because this isn’t just a better episode, but is one of the all time best Twin Peaks episodes. It keeps that steady pace, but there’s an alchemy of all the ingredients that’ve made this season so great, which tonight forms a cohesive, exciting and deeply involving hour of television. 

. It’s party time for the Mitchum brothers, and party time for the soundtrack producers who give us one of the wildest and weirdest cuts yet. I don’t know how to describe it other than it being a demented casino style nonsense song, and I might be wrong, but the percussion pattern sounds a lot like a sped up version of the drumming in The Bookhouse Boys, a track from the Season 1 soundtrack. It’s nice seeing Coop enjoying himself, and it’s funny how happy he has made the Mitchum brothers, Janey-E, and his boss. The fact that he can still manage this despite being a silent, largely unresponsive man who walks into glass doors, speaks to the innate happiness that Cooper has always brought people, only this time it’s accidental. People want him around, and I think it’d be quite a bittersweet ending if he does wake up and leave for Twin Peaks. Yes, it’d be satisfying for us, but Janey-E wouldn’t have her husband anymore, Sonny Jim wouldn’t have a dad, and The Mitchum Brothers wouldn’t have anyone to buy pie for. Before it becomes the Everybody Loves Dougie show, Anthony steps in to put an end to him, but even he can’t bring himself to poison Dougie to death! So Dougie-Coop has his sharp black suit, a black coffee and a piece of cherry pie. Whereas we once would’ve said “THIS will be what wakes him up!”, we’ve stopped expecting it and instead learned to enjoy the pleasure he takes in scoffing the stuff down. While it can feel melancholy when signifiers from his past edge him towards who he used to be, some of these episodes hint at the idea that maybe he’s happy where he is. We want him to get back to his old self, but do we want that for him or for us? He’s had the food and drink that he loves, he’s walking around amazed by everything, and even uncovered a considerable crime. Everything about him is there, really. And I’m beginning to feel like that’s enough for me. Then the Fusco Brothers attain a crucial piece of the puzzle that’d help get Cooper back home, decide to throw it out, and I laugh “FOR FUCK’S SAKE”. Dougie’s prints reveal that he was an FBI Agent and broke out of a maximum security prison, and away this is tossed because of its unlikeliness. It’s funny, really. Because it is unlikely, it is absurd, and that such an important fact has been discovered and thrown out immediately by the police is hilariously frustrating. I loved this moment, Eric Edelstein’s weird and distinctive laugh commenting on how ridiculous this all is.

. I love how adoringly Janey E looks at Cooper when she opens the car door for him. They’ve come a long way since she was angrily cramming him into the car, and it’s nice to see her not suffering the financial burden that the original Dougie left her in. Naomi Watts is really effective when painting Janey E as someone rediscovering feelings for her husband, and it’s actually kind of touching. And Sonny Jim’s Gym is so fucking bizarre. Why does it play music-box versions of Tchaikovsky? Why does it have a prison-style search light? Why anything? I love it.  

Continuing in the lovey-dovey, not-so-bad-after-all vein of things, this season has had a lot of characters turn out to be not quite as awful as you expect them to be. The Mitchum Brothers showed a kind of generosity, Ben Horne is an altruist, and Anthony has a breakdown in front of his boss and Dougie, claiming he wants to be a better man. I mean, you can’t call him a good person just because he didn’t MURDER COOPER, but it’s nice to get a variety of technically bad people who, when it boils down to it, don’t really want to be that bad. It’s not such a bad world after all, hey?

. Actually yes it because fucking Doppelcoop is on the warpath again, and this time he’s getting what he wants via arm wrestling, just like Sylvester Stallone in Over the Top. And just like Sly claims himself to be in Over The Top, Doppelcoop is a machine, and the amount of control he displays in this scene is really quite frightening. “It hurts when you had my arm like this. Let’s go back to starting position. It’s really much more comfortable”, he says, arm-wrestling a boss of a bunch of bastards so that he can get to bad old Ray. He demonstrates that he has the entire arm-wrestle under his control, and can position his arm wherever he wants without exerting force. He can win, and kill, without trying. This is who Doppelcooper is, and why he is such a formidable force. He rarely exerts power, but when he does it is effortless and unstoppable. He will get what he wants, and every piece of his journey has been carefully manipulated and decided by him, and that’s what this scene shows. The gang watching on heavily resemble the spirits above the convenience store in FWWM, and I think this is a purposeful visual metaphor, a way to tie them visually to the evil that lurks upstairs. When Doppelcoop wins, he gets Ray and the scene that follows is an immensely satisfying one. 

The ring that we’ve seen numerous times gets a visual explanation, sort of. Ray wears it when he is killed by Doppelcoop. It then disappears to the black lodge, where his soul shows up shortly after. It seems to say quite clearly that wear the ring when you die, and you end up on that famous zig zag floor, with fucking Mike. What a bummer he’d be to spend eternity with. Before Ray snuffs it, he talks about Phillip Jeffries, who sent Ray to kill Doppelcoop because he has something he wants, which is Bob, who is in hot demand this season. I’m glad to hear Jeffries mentioned again, and part of me still holds out hope that David Bowie filmed a super duper secret cameo before he passed away, but i’m not counting on it. Maybe the closest we’ll get to seeing him is that mysterious blinking box all those episodes ago. But, Ray claims that he was last seen at a place called The Dutchman’s, and this is all Doppelcoop needs to hear. Ray’s death feels big, not necessarily because he was an important character, but because they discuss Jeffries, the ring and Major Briggs, which all ties into the mythology of the show, a mythology which was also discussed last week with Albert. Now listen, i’m easily pleased when it comes to the Twin Peaks lore - say the words ‘lodge’, ‘blue book’ or even ‘Owl’ to me and i’ll begin jittering in excitement. I may even sick up. But this is more important and integral to the storyline that simply chucking out bits of lore, and that makes it so much fucking cooler. Doppelcoop is working towards it, the Bookhouse Boys are heading towards it and the FBI are heading towards it. The idea of them converging is too fucking exciting to process. So. Ray is dead (Nobody Loved Raymond), and Doppelcoop is on his way to either Twin Peaks via the coordinates that Ray gave him, or The Dutchman’s, wherever the hell that is. 

. Tim Roth and Jennifer Jason Leigh are still driving around and i’m guessing, will hook back up with Doppelcoop soon. Their scenes are usually very short, but they’re both such great actors that i’m fine to just hear them shoot the shit for a couple of minutes. 

. Back in Twin Peaks, Becky is still having domestic issues, and Shelly is still being a warm and kind Mum, telling Becky to get to the Double R and have some pie. It’s strange seeing her serving there all these years on, and strange seeing Bobby at the counter, especially because all the camera angles that used to capture the diner are absent, and we’re seeing the place in a completely different visual manner. It feels much more like a legitimate restaurant now, and this is developed with Norma discussing business options with who seems to be her boyfriend. So, no. She didn’t end up with Big Ed, and like Bobby watching Shelly and wondering what might’ve been, Ed watches Norma from a booth further down. He can see her clearly, but she’s a world away. There’s a deep melancholy in seeing Big Ed alone, things clearly not having worked out with either Norma or Nadine. The past, when things looked hopeful, feel like a million years ago, and everything has changed since then. Except for him. Bobby has grown up and become someone his father would’ve been proud of, Norma is franchising, Nadine has perfected the silent drapes. But Big Ed is still pining across the shiny tables for Norma like it’s 1990. 

And Norma is trying to keep things as they are, too. She’s encouraged to change the name of the restaurant, but she wants to keep it as it is, the way people know it. It’s an argument that summarises the attitude of The Return: do you give in and listen to what you’re being told people want, or do you follow your gut and make choices you are passionate about, in the way that you decide? Thank god Lynch and Frost didn’t listen to anyone. Norma knows what the Double R means to the people of the town, and she knows how much people need it, as a source of comfort and of solace. And she can franchise, and have restaurants popping up that try to be the real deal, but there’s really only one Double R, and there’s only one Twin Peaks. And in these scenes, that feeling of solace and comfort feels close yet a million miles away: unmistakably warm, but shot through with that heartrending, small town melancholy. There’s nothing quite like it.

(A little thing I noticed about Bobby - he says he found his dad’s old stuff “today” - but they found his stuff several episode ago, and since then Bobby has been seen at night. So is this Double R scene not chronological, and is actually set a few days back?)

. The reason that the comfort of the Double R feels somehow distant, unattainable and kind of false is because of scenes like Audrey’s in this episode. We can’t sit in the diner and pretend everything is okay in the town, when we know a storm is brewing outside. The argument has moved on between her and Charlie, from being about what has happened to how Audrey feels. And how she feels is heartbreaking. Like she’s not herself and that she doesn’t know who she is, and Charlie’s reaction? Scorn. Condescension. Treating her like the teenager she was when we last saw her. The scene has moved away from feeling frustrating and into nightmarish territory, the wood panelling of the walls making the room feel like a cabin in purgatory, or a real life black lodge. And Charlie’s words become more vague, and more frightening. He speaks of ‘ending her story’, and the discomfort of this scene really brings into the question the dynamics between the two, who he really is, and where they really are. The scene develops an emotional core to the storyline, and we begin to desperately want Audrey to get out from between these two worlds that she’s stuck in, and to leave that horrible room. Like Big Ed, like Cooper and like so many others, she is trying to return, but is stuck. 

. How they’ve managed to make the Palmer living room look more frightening than it did before is beyond me. Sarah drinks and smokes in the sickly darkness, watching a 15 second loop of an ancient boxing match which repeats ad nauseum, like the electric bear that spoke the words “Hello Johnny, how are you today?” endlessly a few episodes back. It feels nightmarish, and you want it to end. But it is stuck. Are we sensing the theme in play here again? The room feels angry and oppressive, and it’s reasonable to expect something evil and awful to materialise in it at any moment. But the horror is not Bob, or the ceiling fan, but the situation of Sarah: a woman who has lost everything, and whose life is full of dread and solitude. 

. Nadine and Dr Jacoby’s interaction is lovely, and feels like a genuine moment between two old friends who haven’t seen each other for many years. Except one has an eyepatch and a silent drape running shop and the other sells golden shit shovels via his angry livestreams. The point is, it feels real, and Wendy Robie still beautifully imbues Nadine with that almost schoolgirlish nervousness and innocence. She is pure in her exuberance towards Jacoby and her drapes, and she seems star struck by her former doctor. I’m so fond of Nadine, and there is a moment that hints at a sadness or darkness in her past, when Jacoby remembers seeing her on her hands and knees in a supermarket trying to pick up a potato. “There was a storm that night”, he says, and she looks afraid, and sad. What happened to her? What happened to all these people in this town? What has time done to them, and why do they all have to live with such pain? 

. And before we know it, we’re back at the Roadhouse, and this week we have probably the most divisive (read: unpopular) performer yet. Yes, it’s James Forehead Hurley, singing Just You and I. I can’t pretend to feel how i’m supposed to feel as a Twin Peaks fan and hate on this, because truly, I loved this moment. I loved it more than any roadhouse scene yet, and I have a big soft spot for James. The poor bastard had a rough time of it, and yes, he was a moody mope, but I feel for him. I was moved by seeing him received so well by the audience, and seeing him perform that song (which I will now have in my head for the next fortnight) made him look young and happy again, and I found it massively touching. It was a bittersweet moment of nostalgic melancholy, elevated by the image of Big Ed back at the Gas Farm, eating his Double R soup all alone. 

There Ed sits, thinking about how things were, and how they are now. Or maybe it’s us that’s thinking about it. Because we can listen to old songs, and sit in the Double R eating cherry pie, but we know evil forces are on their way to town, and already exist there. There is a goodness too, in the log lady, the bookhouse boys, in Ed, Norma, and Nadine. But they’ve been through too much to have that innocence, and the questions that The Return brings us is how can we ever go back to the way things were? And how much power do we have to prevent the bad things from happening again? I’ve been thinking of the song Ohm by Yo La Tengo, where they sing:

“Sometimes the bad days maintain their grip Sometimes the good days fade...

But nothing ever stays the same Nothing's explained”

That feeling, that we might never get back the good days, and that it doesn’t always happen for a clear reason, is prevalent in tonight’s episode, which explores how the characters that populate the show feel. It might not be explained exactly what has happened, but as well as starting to piece together the mystery, Part 13 interrogates the deepest emotional wells of the show, and it results in a moving and beautiful episode that deftly blends darkly satisfying plot progression and emotional complexity (I know it’s weird to call an episode where someone is punched in the face to death “beautiful”, but i’m sticking with it). 

“I’m not sure who I am, but I’m not me”

#twin peaks spoilers #twin peaks #twin peaks: the return #david lynch #kyle maclachlan #dale cooper

[junker-town]

UNC fires Fedora, and — uh — Brown rumors are an actual thing

Fedora’s unusually mixed tenure ended shortly after the Heels play NC State on Saturday. One of his Heels predecessors is already generating real discussion in UNC corners.

North Carolina announced it has fired head coach Larry Fedora, after a Week 13 overtime loss to NC State dropped the Heels to a final record of 2-9.

SB Nation’s Steven Godfrey reported earlier this month that the coaching industry thought the school would fire Fedora if it could swallow his buyout. That’d be a bit more than $12 million, according to USA Today. That’s a lot, but within UNC’s means. Louisville just agreed to pay more than that to fire Bobby Petrino, for example.

Lots of coaches will want this job, but just know former UNC and Texas coach Mack Brown’s name will get mentioned. He seems unlikely, but it’s still a real thing.

The current ESPN studio analyst is already coming up in public rumors. He’s also being bandied about in UNC booster circles, per Godfrey and Richard Johnson:

UNC has a lot of upside and a lot of names attached. Georgia defensive coordinator Mel Tucker and App State head coach Scott Satterfield are two to watch. There’s no reason a Mark Stoops-style slow build couldn’t work here.

But Brown? Yeah, the 67-year-old national title winner at Texas, retired since 2013, is a name floating around boosters at UNC. Given that Brown is second all-time in program wins at North Carolina (he coached the Heels from 1988-’97), this isn’t quite as strange as Les Miles to Kansas, but the style (and age) of Brown is at odds with the desire among UNC insiders to get “younger and cooler,” per one source.

Current recruits were like 5 when Brown won his national title at Texas, but HELL YEAH. Let’s rev it up. Watch this video about the Vince Young Rose Bowl and dream of Brown finding some kid from Charlotte and doing what he did with mega-recruit Young 13 years ago:

Fedora’s job was in danger because his program moved in exactly the wrong direction.

The former Southern Miss head coach and Oklahoma State offensive coordinator was in charge since 2012. But let’s jump to a few years ago.

In 2015, UNC went 11-3, winning the ACC Coastal and giving Clemson a pretty decent scare in the conference championship game. That record included an 11-1 regular season.

In 2016, UNC went 8-5 — worse, but fine, with some regression expected after the loss of star quarterback Marquise Williams.

In 2017, UNC went 3-9, another expected regression after losing No. 2 overall pick Mitchell Trubisky, but a steeper decline than what most projected.

In 2018, with some key players suspended for parts of the early season, UNC was terrible, failing to bounce back at all.

Recruiting’s also dipped this year, though the Early Signing Period’s still yet to come. The Heels are accustomed to finishing around 30th in the national recruiting rankings, but for the class of 2019, they’re tracking to finish around 60th and near the bottom of the ACC.

There were fair reasons to let go of Fedora, but also fair ones to keep him.

A more detailed list of pros and cons is here, but some key points:

Fedora failed to compete even in the most limp version of the Coastal in 2018. Miami and Virginia Tech have been mediocre, and UNC still didn’t contend (thought it was the first and maybe the only ACC team to beat eventual Coastal champ Pitt).

Fedora said some embarrassing stuff before the season that raised legitimate questions about his commitment to player safety, even though it wasn’t all incorrect.

But that $12 million-plus buyout’s still there.

While he led UNC to its worst record since 2006, he also led UNC to its best record since 1997. Few coaches have ever offered more of a mixed bag of results.

Fedora has, all in all, a good track record of coaching offense, though things have gotten a lot worse on that side of the ball the last two years.

And other coaches in the industry thought he had fair explanations for struggling, Godfrey reported:

The Heels hired Fedora after firing Butch Davis in 2011. He took the job without knowing the eventual NCAA punishment (one-year bowl ban in 2012, 15 scholarships over three years). Fedora was also unaware that the NCAA would keep haunting campus for years, investigating claims of academic fraud across multiple sports from before Fedora’s time.

Throughout the saga, Fedora was courted by other programs with inarguably more football tradition and deeper pockets than UNC (he could’ve replaced Derek Dooley at Tennessee), yet he elected to stay in Chapel Hill.

“He stuck around when I wouldn’t have. He put up with a whole, whole lot. I think it was because he knew he could eventually build something and he’d earn their respect to get the benefit of the doubt,” an ACC head coach told SB Nation.

Earlier in November, Tar Heel Blog fleshed out detailed reasons to both fire and not fire the coach. It’s not a no-brainer, despite the usual indicators pointing against Fedora and the reporting that indicates a firing is very much on the table.

This should be an attractive job, especially in the current market.

There aren’t a lot of Power 5 openings. If UNC decides Fedora’s not the guy, the school should draw plenty of strong non-Brown candidates.

[cdforalways]

Our story

I was 26. I had been married for about a year at that point. I was happy enough with life but I had a closet full of secrets. I hadn't been faithful... ever. I never really understood why but I had accepted that I was just fucked up. That my infidelity was just the way it had to be to make things work. It took a toll on me. It was a constant roller coaster of impulsive actions and guilt. One day I met a woman. Her name was Carly. She was married and 11 years older than me. She lived 100 miles away which was one of my many failed tactics to control my impulses. I had decided that if I spoke to women further away it would be safer because it would be more difficult to act on those compulsions. We immediately had a connection from the very first day. I remember seeing her picture for the first time and feeling awestruck by how beautiful she was. I felt like she was far out of my league from the first day. She was older and had everything you could want in life. She was sexy, intelligent and funny. She was from Kansas which for some reason always fascinated and intrigued me. I had never had any close friends that weren't from Texas so it was interesting that she grew up somewhere totally different. She was from a big city and I wasn't. She always felt mor worldly to me and I admired that. All of these things that I admired gave me a sense of awe about her and at the same time made me wonder why she was the slightest bit interested in me. But as we talked we shared our secrets. I found that we had the same struggle. She was the first person that I had ever told the entire story too. I had told other women about being unfaithful but never in any real meaningful way. I had never shared the pain and shame that I felt. Or the constant daily struggle of guilt. We had walked the same road in many ways. That pain bonded us in a powerful way. To know that we weren't alone and that maybe we weren't just terrible people. Many times in the world of married people seeing married people there is an understanding that no feelings are to be involved. That no one is looking to fall in love but just to find an escape. Those norms fell abart within a few weeks and one day I told her that I loved her. I felt absolutely insane. We had never met. We still barely knew each other but the connection we had was overwhelming. She told me she loved me too. I still struggled with the guilt. I would make attempts to go on the straight and narrow and would just disappear for weeks at a time. Not only did was I trying to break my pattern of lies and infidelity but the emotions that I felt for her scared me in a huge way. How could I be in love with someone that I could never be with? There was no way that it could ever be anything but a disaster. Months went by and I didn't meet her. I stood her up. I disappointed her. But she was always there. She always forgave me. When I found out that my wife was pregnant I disappeared for a month. It was a pattern of trying to run from who I was and the love that I had for her. But I always came back. The connection that I had with her was stronger than I was As part of sharing all of our struggles and secrets we had developed this image of ourselves as two people incapable of monogamy. We both expressed all sorts of feeling through sex. Sometimes with total strangers. But we had both decided that a relationship with one single person wasn't possible for us. We always talked of what the relationship would look like if we were together. That we would be free to sleep with other people. It would be a relationship built on accepting every piece of each other good or bad. A relationship where there was no shame or guilt. Where any desire was legitimate and was not a cause for shame. We had long given up on the idea of being able to make a traditional relationship work for us. So over the next year we talked. Sometimes a lot and sometimes not much. My son was born. Life went on. The connection was always there. We didn't meet for a year and a half. This was completely my fault. I was scared. I was paranoid to travel so far. I was terrified in a million ways. Until one day I randomly texted her and asked her to meet me. For some reason there was a desperate feeling between us that day. She immediately said yes and we started driving toward each other and just planned to see where we would meet when we reached one another. It ended up being in the parking lot of a bank. I was so nervous, I could feel my heart beating in my throat. She got there first and as I pulled into the parking lot she got out of her car. She was more beautiful than I had ever imagined. When she smiled at me and I heard her voice, I swear the earth shook. I was absolutely mesmerized in an instant. We didn't really speak much. When i kissed her that first time I felt like there was electricity flowing through me. In a word, it was perfect. We were there, in the flesh and it was just as perfect as before. I had always worried that meeting would be a letdown in some way. That she might not be attracted to me in person maybe. That first day we were together for half an hour. It was truly mind blowing. The raw connection that we had was intense and overwhelming. I drove home on cloud 9 that night and was terrified at the same time. I had finally touched her and it rocked me. More time passed. Life was busy. I had a baby at home, we were moving. Like was just happening. She had changed jobs and had to make a trip to a small town that was fairly close for me. We made plans to meet. I met her at about 10 am in a grocery store parking lot. I was so nervous that day because we actually had a few hours to spend together. I got in her car and we just started driving. It was a strange feeling because I was in love with this woman in so many ways but I didn't know how to act. I was nervous as if I was 12 again. My hands were sweating and I kept looking for ways to touch her. We wanted each other badly. We drove around looking for a place where we could have some privacy. There was this quiet desperation in the car. All we wanted was to take each other's clothes off and we couldn't think of much else. We must have driven around for and hour looking for a quiet spot. Finally we found a small patch of gravel on the side of the road in front of what looked like an abandoned house. It was far from what we preferred but we just couldn't wait anymore. We needed each other right then. Then tension had boiled over. Her car was not conducive to having what we wanted. We tried but it ended up being more frustrating than anything. I don't really recall who's idea it was but we decide that we should get out of the car and go to the back of this little White house that we had parked in front of. We soon figured out that that house was an old one room church when we aw the pews through a window. She had this red white and blue, quilted planked in her trunk that we laid out on the ground. We made love right there. On a blanket, behind an old church in the middle of nowhere. In that moment my world was absolutely changed. It was beyond physical or emotional. That moment was like nothing I had ever experienced. It transcended time and reality. Our souls had connected in a way that words can't describe. On a blanket, behind an old church. I was changed that day. My fate was sealed right there on that blanket. My world had been shaken to its core. I was going to be with her forever, no matter the cost. After that day I felt different. The thing that was missing in my marriage seemed to be a lot bigger. I had felt something so powerful that was missing in my life. I was busy with my son and moving into a new place. We talked more but I was still hot and cold. The summer came and we started to talk more often. I remember the first time she really told me about another guy that she was seeing. I had heard stories of things in the past but and we were always very open about things. But I can remember that first time she told me about Brent. He was older. Wealthy and successful. She was seeing him pretty regularly and that first time I heard about him it was like a punch in the stomach. They would go out to lunch and to have drinks after work. I had never even had a meal with her and I was in love with her. I didn't let her know it bothered me but I hated it. I would ask a lot of questions about it for some reason; I didn't really want to know. Little did I know that Brent would be the least of my concerns moving forward. Toward the middle of the summer we were talking consistently. I just felt drawn to her more and more. Her behavior with other guys seemed to become more and more risky. I always asked about who she was seeing and what that had done. In some ways it was a turn on and in other ways it hurt like hell. It increasingly started to hurt but we had always built our relationship around the idea of non monogamy. We had always acted like we weren't jealous and that it was just who we were. That was starting to change in a big way for me. One day she told me that she had met a guy named Rob. She had been with him every day for almost a week straight. I immediately felt sick. I had heard about a lot of guys but she had never spent so much time with someone. The things they did were riskier than anything she had ever told me. I knew this was different but even though it hurt and I was more jealous than I had ever been, I didn't say anything. I even encouraged her in a lot of ways. . As I look back I'm not sure why, other than I was afraid to alter that idea of our relationship where everything was acceptable. I said nothing but I hated hearing about him. He had immediately started to take this larger than life image in my mind. I'm not sure why but I felt like I couldn't compete with him. In my head he was cooler, better looking, funnier, better in bed. He was every insecurity I ever had come to life. I had never felt anything like that in my life. They would meet nearly every day at lunch. Go out for beers. Just hang out and do normal things. All of this made me hurt and I felt really intense jealousy for the first time. But I couldn't be outwardly upset with her. I hadn't ever given her enough. I wasn't there for her and he was. I could see that but it didn't help the pain. One day we made plans to meet and get a hotel room. She was supposed to see him that day and asked me if I wanted her to. One of my biggest regrets was saying yes. That was the first day we really spent time together. We made love for hours. We laid in bed and talked and laughed. We took our first picture together. I remember this one moment where she was doing her makeup before she left. I was just sitting on the counter watching her. She was so beautiful that I couldn't help be stare at her. It was the firs moment in time that felt like we were just a couple. I imagined that I was just watching her get ready to go to work or go out to dinner. I wanted that moment to last forever. I was already in love with her but in that moment I became completely infatuated with just being in her presence. The way she dressed, the way she smiled at me, the way she smelled, the way she would run her hand through her hair to make this perfect little wave that fell to the side of her face. Her smile melted me instantly and when we kissed, it was like the entire world just faded into the background. We became the only to people in the universe when we were together and there was no pain for once. We were connected on a level that few people every experience or can even comprehend. Her body was perfect. From the freckles on her shoulders to the curve of her hips. She fit me perfectly like we were two puzzle pieces made for one another. It felt like a dream. I still wondered how I had tricked the most beautiful woman in the world into loving me. But it was just easy. Nothing was forced or awkward. We were completely and totally consumed by love and when we were together it was a high like I have never felt. She touched me with an intimacy that I had never felt. We laughed constantly and I could just sit and look at her and feel completely content. After that day a feeling about us had started to really take a hold on me. I had loved her for a long time but I started to really think about the idea of being with her. We had always talked about it in a dream sort of way like it could never actually happen. The fact is that neither of us were really unhappy in our marriages but there was just something missing. The feelings I had for her were powerful. I started to look at the big picture and I could see that this thing we shared was something that wasn't going to come around again. It was something special. I had started to let go of the fear and this question came to mind over and over. Why couldn't we be together? Could we find a way? She had touched my soul and accepted every part of me. She loved me unconditionally even when I disappeared and hurt her continually. One night we were talking about all the struggles and the long road we had traveled. It was a really emotional conversation and something just came over me almost in an instant. I told her I wanted to be with her. That I would leave my wife and I would be with her one way or another. My heart felt like it would explode. I'm not sure if she took me seriously that night but I meant it. I had decided right there that I was going to be with her no matter what it took. From that day on things changed in a huge way. We got in a light speed roller coaster that had no brakes. It was one hell of a ride. We talked every single day. Every we reflected on the two years since we had met. I made an effort to learn everything I could about her. I found out we had grown up in much the same kind of family. I had a burning desire to know everything about her. I kept notes on my phone about certain things like movies she loved, her favorite restaurants and ever memorized the name of the first boy she had ever kissed. We talked about the happy and the hurt. For days after that I would write her long messages after she went to bed expressing all of the feeling I had for her. I apologized for all of the mistakes I had made and was bared my heart to her. Every day was an intense emotional experience. We shared poetry with eachother. We talked about getting married and even where it would happen. The love that we had became all consuming for us both. There was just one big problem. We still had not admitted that we wanted it to just be the two of us, not seeing other people. She had gotten pulled into a bad place. She was still seeing Rob and other guys here and there. I still encouraged it in way. The only explanation I can give is that I was afraid to tell her to stop, to admit that I was jealous and I just wanted it to be us. It went against everything we had ever talked about our relationship being. But with every story about another man I realized that she was in a bad place and I should have been protecting her. I should have stepped in and made her understand that she was worth so much more than what she was doing. Not doing that is a regret that I will carry forever. Things were moving really fast emotionally. We met one day when she was on her way to Kansas. We spent three hours in a parking lot just talking about everything. We talked about being together and what that might look like. How long it could take. We discussed that within a year it could actually happen. That seemed like forever away in my mind. I was ready right then but I could see that she was overwhelmed by the idea. We talked about Rob. I think that was the first time we really addressed her not seeing him anymore. It was an incredibly emotional and consuming night. It's another one of those memories that's burned into my mind forever. The raw emotion and passion we had that night sucked the oxygen out of the air. It was hard to breath and I felt a need for her that is indescribable. I felt completely insane and completely consumed with how much I wanted her in every single way. That night showed me the absolute madness that our love had become. After that we saw each other pretty regularly. We would get a hotel room or just meet for a few minutes when we could get away. We talked constantly about being together and started to make plans. I always felt like I was pushing the issue and she would tell me to have patience. She knew that it wasn't going to be easy or simple. There were a million obstacles and struggles we would have to endure before we could share a life together. One night we were talking about her divorce from her first husband and everything she had gone through with it. I asked her wif she had ever considered moving back to Kansas after that. She said no, that she had always felt like something was keeping her here in Texas. She said that she just didn't know what it was until now. I was stopped in my tracks. I had never believed in destiny or that things were meant to happen. I was jaded and had given up on fairytails long ago. But in that moment I instantly believed. We were meant to be together. Some force in the universe had put us in each other's paths and planned this all powerful love that had grown. From that moment on I believed in us in a way that I had never believed in anything. She was my soulmate and we were following fate. It was destiny. Somewhere around this time we had finally come clean about the idea of only wanting it to be the two of us. That everything we had always believed we would be had been turned on its head. I don't remember a specific conversation about it but it's just slowly became understood that it would just be us. It was around the end of September. We discussed that she wouldn't see Rob anymore and there were lots of conversations about my insecurities surrounding him. She always assured me that it wasn't anything like what we had. There was one night I remember where she first said that I hadn't given her what she needed. That he was there and I wasn't. I could hear the hurt in her voice and she cried as she said it. That made me feel a pain and regret like I had never felt. I realized that all of the jealousy and insecurity I had was my own doing. My fear of our love had put me in this place. In October she went to Chicago for the entire month for work. She had told me that she was done with Rob but she didn't plan on having a conversation with him about it, but she was just going to let it fade away while she was gone for a month. She was starting a new job when she got back and said it would be a good excuse as to why she couldn't see him. Things escalated even faster since she was alone there. We would talk on the phone and skype every night. I became more and more detached at home. I couldn't think about anything but her. I used homework as an excuse to go to different places at night and talk to her. Late that month I went on vacation to New York. Little did I know that my entire world was about to change. I was in New York for a week. Throughout the entire trip I texted her constantly. I almost didn't even try to hide it. I took pictures to send to her every day. I would get up early in the morning and go for a walk around the city and talk to her on the phone. I realized that for me, this was not going to be sustainable. I was in New York City with my wife. My dream vacation, and all I could think about was her. I wished that she was there with me seeing everything. I was completely consumed by us. I loved her with such passion and recklessness that everything else seemed like a minor detail. I was about to have that love and faith tested in a huge way. The last day of our trip my world was sent into a tailspin. A girl that I had talked to briefly and met once texted my wife. She told her everything that had happened. I was caught. Any other time I would have made excuses or lied or tried to find some way to make it go away. This time I didn't. In that moment all I could think about was that this was my chance to be with the woman I was in love with. I told my wife the truth. It was excruciating. We had another half a day left in our trip and it was agonizing. I had already decided that this was the end. I wanted to be with Carly. My mind was made up. The next few weeks were horrible. I didn't have the heart to tell my wife that it was just over. She was willing to forgive all of my lies and mistakes but I still wanted out. My son was only a year and a half old. I was heartbroken thinking about the fact that he would never remember his parents being together. By walking away from my marriage, I was effecting dozens of lives most important of which was my sons. I had a father who wasn't around and my biggest fear in the world was to not be there for him. The guilt that I felt about breaking up my family was crippling at times. But throughout it all I was still consumed by my love for carly. One day my wife found pictures of Carly and I. It is still one of the worst days of my life. I think about it and I can still feel the absolute panic from that night. I had always entendres on ending things without my wife knowing about Carly. That night I had an absolute breakdown. The feeling thing was that in that moment, I was not scared of losing my wife but was completely overtaken by the fear of losing Carly. I was crying and pacing and felt like the world was closing in on me. That night was pure agony. But I also realized in that moment, that despite all of the guilt and sadness I felt about losing my family, the love I had for Carly was bigger and more in control. My wife had just discovered my biggest and most hurtful deceit, and all I could think about was losing Carly. I was inconsolable to the point of my wife thinking that I may hurt myself. I absolutely lost my mind that night. And all I wanted was Carly. I moved out a few days later. With that came more freedom to see her. I would drive an hour to Austin and meet her every day that I could. Most days I would just ride with her while she worked. We would find places to hide out. Some days I would spend the entire day just driving with her. Some days we would get a room and spend the entire day in bed. We had a physical connection that can't be explained. Some days we wanted to get our hands on each other so badly that it was maddening. We would make love for hours and when we couldn't we would find a place to park. We had more passion and fury for each other in one moment than I had experienced in all my life. I was on my own now and still working through all the emotions that came with the loss of my marriage. Carly helped me get through it every day. Through all the guilt and pain, the one constant was her and our love. I didn't want to lose my family but something inside me knew that I had to choose this love that had set my soul on fire. Winter turned to spring. We were as close as we had ever been. We talked about being together constantly. My marriage ending so unexpectedly had put us in a strange place. Carly had expected that it would be months before she was ready to leave but now that I was alone things had escalated. It was difficult for me to be alone. I was constantly asking her when she would be ready and she struggled to give me a concrete answer. I was in the middle of the hardest thing I had ever dealt with and I felt alone. I knew what I was choosing but I constantly looked to her for some guarantee that she was going to make the same choice. I was terrified that I would give up my family and she wouldn't be able to leave. We had countless talks about it and I could see that she was scared but she never wavered in that she wanted to be with me. It was nearly impossible for me to feel like I wasn't choosing to get divorced for her. There were times where she told me that I needed to make the choice for myself and not because I wanted to be with her. It always felt disingenuous when she would say it. Like she was hedging her bet in a way. That if I made the choice to leave based on our relationship it put her in a place where she had to leave. I understood the pressure she felt but the reality was that there was no way to separate my desire to be with her from the choice I faced. I was completely entrenched in our relationship every day. The fact is that I wouldn't have made the decision to end my marriage if she wasn't in the picture. I had no desire to be single or to completely rebuild my life alone. Everything that I saw in my future was intertwined with her in every way. I saw no future without her. During this time we spent our first night together. Her husband was out of town and I stayed at her house with her for a night. It was unbelievable. We made love and I slept in her bed holding her. Sleeping beside her had become something that I craved. I had lived the past few months in one room at a grids house. Every day we talked all day long but it always ended with her going to bed with her husband. Sleeping in the same bed was the one thing that I couldn't have and was the constant reminder that she wasn't completely mine. Being in her house and sleeping beside her that night was I had dreamed of for years. It was every bit as amazing as I had imagined. I can still feel the overwhelming closeness and intimacy of that night. As the summer began it was clear that my marriage was over. I moved into my own place. Carly and I were as close as ever. We had our struggles but things were good. We spent lots of time together. We went on our first real date to a concert. We spent a few more nights together. She came to see my new place and I even got to show her around Waco for an entire day. We were building a foundation for the life we had planned together. We had a routine. We usually spent on day a week together if not more. I remember at one point we had spent so many days together that I couldn't remember them all, which seemed like a huge deal at the time. Our days together had been so limited for so long that up to this point I could remember every day that we had spent together and what we did. We were madly and passionately in love. She was my focus every day. We talked from the time we woke up to the time we went to bed every single day. We would face time almost every night. There were many days when we hadn't seen each other where we would FaceTime and both of us would just cry when we saw each other. It was painful to be apart and every day was an emotional thing in itself. Things were as good as that could be in our situation. There were still a lot of conversations about when she would leave. I still searched for some guarantee that I wouldn't be stuck holding the bag. I never doubted that she wanted to be with me but I could see that it was going to be a matter of whether she had the strength to hurt him and others in order get there. She always told me she didn't feel like she was ready but that she would know when it was time. I understood that there were lots of feeling in the other side. She had a 12 year old step son and a 17 year old step daughter that she was extremely close to. At the time I felt like her step daughter Ky was one of the biggest things that she struggled with. Ky wasn't close to her mother and carly and her had a special relationship. In my mind I always considered that Ky was nearly an adult and that Carly could continue that relationship. It might be harder with her step son but I would never fault her for making an effort to see them. Her sons were both grown and living on their own so I never felt like they were something that held her back. They had a relationship with her husband but they didn't live at home anymore. I realized that it would be hard and that people would be hurt. That was just a fact. But she told me every day that she wanted me and that I was worth it. It was a matter of choosing great over good. I never wanted her to lose her family but what loss was necessary I felt like was worth the risk to follow this amazing love. It wasn't easy but it was worth it. I had already chosen her in every possible way She constantly told me to have faith and patience. Those two things became my mantra over the next months. I figured out how to have faith in her because without it there was a mountain of fear and uncertainty. Eventually she told me that she felt like after her family vacation in July that she felt like she would be ready. Her entire family was going on vacation and she didn't want to ruin it for everyone. I still struggled with some of the insecurities from Rob and sometimes I would bring it up. It never went well. She had still talked to him sometimes but just small talk. It had finally been a big enough issue that she had told him that they couldn't talk anymore. But that insecurity had become deep seated and worked its way into my psyche. I caught it off as much as possible and usually ended up feeling crazy that it still bothered me. It always felt like a monster I had helped to create in a lot of ways. As the summer went on things were good. There's was a vague timetable on what we would finally be together. We had started this journey in august and the vacation that we saw as the last obstacle was to take place in mid July. We had been on this ride for nearly a year. I always had in my mind that the one year mark was as long as it would take so it just felt like that was going to come true. She seemed more confident and really started to work out in her mind what she would do. We even looked at houses together in Belton. I was feeling like it was really going to happen. Her birthday came. She turned 40. I called in sick to work and we spent the entire day together. I gave her some jewelry and a really sexy red bra. It was a really great day. My love for her continued to grow with every single day. I went to work, spent time with my son and and every spare minute was spent with her. I would get off work on the days I had free and drive straight to Austin where we would meet at target. Everything revolved around seeing her and planning when I would see her again. I struggled with some things.I was really jealous of her husband at times. We had progressed as far as we could in the confines of the situation. We couldn't see each other more than we did. I started to desire more. Being able to sleep with her was always a overwhelming desire that I had. I thought about it all the time. Every night we would have to say goodnight and I was in my bed alone while she slept with him. There were many nights where I would cry just wishing that I could sleep beside her. The weekends were always hard for me. They would go out on their boat or in her husbands show truck. Those things always made me extremely jealous. From the beginning I had always worried that the comforts and luxuries of her life would make her choose not to leave. She lived in a beautiful home in a beautiful neighborhood. They had a brand new boat that was worth double the cost of my truck. Her husband had a classic show truck that they would take out on the weekends. I looked at all of these things and wondered how I could ever compete. I wondered how they could take there boat out to some beautiful lake on the weekend and she could. Even think of me, much less want to give all of it up just for me. The fact was that I had nothing to offer but my love. It was an amazing, passionate, unconditional love. But that was all I had. I was living in a duplex that I could barely afford and was spending ever spare cent on driving to see her or getting hotel rooms. How on earth could she leave this amazing life that she had just to start over with me? Our road was guaranteed to be long and rough. Every weekend seemed to be a reminder of just how little I had to offer her. I would hear from her in the morning and spend hours looking at my phone just waiting to hear from her. She would send me pictures of beautiful sunny days on the lake in an attempt to share the experiences with me. Mostly all I felt was jealousy and sadness. Eventually I shared these feelings with her and she assured me, as she always did, that material things didn't matter. That our love was bigger than any of it. She was never really great at telling me what I needed to hear in order to feel better but there were a few really genuine moments when that conversation came up. I can remember the speak how she would give me when she was gone for a weekend and I was having a hard time. She would tell me that no matter where she was or what she was doing, that our love was there. That I was in her mind constantly and that no matter what was going on that didn't change. That it was consuming whether we were talking or not. Every time she talked about it I would immediately feel better and usually start crying. She loved me intensely. She was under an enormous amount of pressure every day and she chose me every day. Sometimes I lost sight of that but she loved me with an unmatched unshakable passion. Soon, July came. We had reached the last big hurdle standing in the way of us being together. She left for her vacation. We didn't get to talk much but she sent me pictures. On a couple of nights before they were set to leave everything got turned upside down. They took there boat out for the evening and got into a terrible accident. Carly, her husband, son, mother, sister and brother in law were all hurt. It was around 8 o'clock when I got a message from her telling me that there had been an accident. That she was ok but some of them were hurt pretty badly. I was shaken profoundly. A million thoughts ran through my mind. I could have lost her. She could have died, a thousand miles away and I was nothing according to everyone that knew her. I would never have even known what happened. I played it all out on my mind. What would have happened. I would have texted and texted. Maybe I would have called and there would have been a terrible conversation with her husband or some other family member where they told me, a stranger according to them, that she was gone. Or maybe they wouldn't have told me anything. That could have just been it. Maybe I would have been a stranger in the crowd at her funeral. A man nobody knows mourning the loss of his soulmate. It was an agonizing reality. I was a ghost in her life. Then came the fear that the reality of the accident would change her perspective. That she would have some moment where she decided that I wasn't what she wanted. All of these things overwhelmed me in an instant. I didn't get to speak to her until later the next day. It was extremely emotional. But she was ok. They came home and the accident had an effect on everyone for a while. I saw her when she got back and idk if I was ever so thankful to see her face. After a few weeks the shock wore off and things got back to normal. A bout 3 weeks later we had plans to meet and get a room. It was a Friday. August th 5th. We met at target. She had a work errand to run nearby so we took care of that and decided to get some breakfast at McDonald's. we are in the car and then decided we would go check into our room. We dropped her car off at a shopping center and drove to the hotel. She sat in the truck while I went inside to get a room. I was in a great mood and was looking forward to spending a day in bed with her. As I walked out of the lobby I saw her standing outside the truck and a car pulling away. It's a moment that I would love to forget but I never will. She looked at me with an expression I had never seen. It was fear and panic. She said that it was Rob in the car. That he had showed up and questioned her about what she was doing with me. Looking back, I was dumbfounded. My mind couldn't work fast enough to put the pieces of the puzzle together. She was completely panicked and told me to take her to her car. We didn't speak. I drive her to her car and she told me to follow her. The next few minutes were an absolute nightmare for me. I still hadn't been able to make sense of it. Why was he there? Why was she so freaked out? Why would he have such a reaction when they hadn't seen each other in months? We drive for what seemed like an hour. The entire time my mind was racing. I put it together enough to know that what was going to happen next would not be good. She had still been seeing him. It was the only explanation. We pulled into a parking lot. I got into the car and asked her to be honest with me. She was. She had never stopped seeing him. She had tried to end it but it continued. She had slept with him. He had sexually assisted her the day before. She had lied to me for the last 10 months. I was devastated. Every fear and insecurity I had battled had come to life. This monster that I helped to create had ruined everything. Even in that moment. Thinking about all of the lies and deceit, I never considered giving her up. It wasn't an option. We were going to get through it. She told me a lot of difficult things that day and in the days following. But I never considered letting her go. I was crushed. I was physically ill and overcome with pain. But we were meant to be. We could conquer anything. One thing that still stands out to me was something she said the next day. In all the chaos that day, when she could have lost everything, she said that all she could think of was losing me. Her marriage was at risk, her family, her entire existence, but her biggest fear was that I would leave. We spent the next week fighting for our relationship and fighting to keep everything in her would from crumbling down. He wouldn't go away. He was threatening to contact her husband. We could barely deal with our own issues because things were on the verge of disaster. It was in this storm of chaos that I saw how much she loved me. For days she considered just coming clean and leaving. It seemed as though her world was falling apart and all she wanted was me. I was hurt in a million ways but somehow we had bonded through the struggle and become even closer. After a couple of weeks things calmed. I was still heartbroken and twisted but we were clinging to each other desperately. It was overwhelming and unbelievably intense time. When we saw each other there was this desperation between us to feel that love and connection. We talked about it but opted mostly to just be with each other. We needed to feel the passion and love so that we knew it would be ok. We loved each other with everything that we had and held on tight. There was lots of talk of when she would leave. The panic of the situation had made her think about it in a way that was more real than it had ever been. As things blew over I was somewhat disappointed in a way. Part of me wished that she would have just done it. That she would have just laid it all out on the table and left. There were a few days where I think it was just right there in her mind. It just never made it to her lips. As time passed that urgency started to fade and that scared me. I didn't know at the time, but I wouldn't have long to wait. About three weeks later we spent a weekend together. It was absolutely amazing. I spent two nights with her and she was going to stay with me one night. It was August the 28th. Almost a year exactly from the time we had started this marathon. We were having a great day. Until a slip of the finger changed everything. Maybe it was fate. Or maybe it was just a stupid mistake. She sent her husband a picture of us. Again, I saw that panicky and fear in her face. See she had always been adamant about leaving things the right way. Not letting anyone know that she was leaving to be with me. She was right. It would be much daisies if nobody knew that I even existed. But all of that was gone in an instant. I felt helpless. One part of me felt relief that it was finally over. And the other part felt sadness for what she was about to endure. I had been through the same thing and I knew how painful it would be. She left me that day to go home and figure out the next step. I felt sick. My heart broke for her and I wanted to be able to save her from the nightmare she was walking into. She told him she wanted to leave. She was honest to the extent that she had to be. But she was brave. She told him she wanted out. It was at this point that I made a mistake that may haunt me forever. She was strong but, like me had a hard time just taking away all hope. She told him she wanted to take some time. She told him she wasn't happy but she left the door open that things might work out. It was just to ease the pain. I wanted to tell her not do it that way. I wanted to tell her to just be honest and end it completely. But I was scared to make a stand. I had done the same thing so how could I say that? But in hindsight, I think I could have changed the outcome by giving different advice. I think she would have listened if I asked her not to leave the door open. But I believed in her resolve. She made plans to move out at the end of September. The next chapter in our story was about to begin. Throughout that month I was a wreck. Every day I feared that they would have some difficult conversation that might change her mind. But she stood strong. She wakes toward me with conviction. Through all of the guilt and fear she stood her ground and chose me. That month went be slowly for me and I'm sure it felt like a year for her. I supported her in every way that I could. She found an apartment and things were tense but exciting. We were about to have what we had always wanted. A chance to be a real life couple. She moved into her place on September 30th. I think I was there on the 2nd of October. She had told me that we needed to take it slow and be careful. We talked about how this was an opportunity for her to be in her own for the first time in her life. We would have a chance to just date eachother. Not living with eachother but to have our separate places but still spend time together. I was so excited and eager to just have abnormal existence. To be able to sit on the couch and watch tv. To share a meal together at night and sleep in the same bed. That second week we went in our first official date. We went to a nice Italian restaurant for dinner and then went home. It was amazing not to have such desperation about when we would be able to see eachother again. We were just living with some peace for the first time in a long time. She met my mom and my friends. We were building a real life relationship. I was there as much as possible. I would drive to Austin sometimes at 7pm just to be able to sleep beside her and then have to get up at 5 to be at work at 7. But being able to sleep beside her was worth ever bit. I was living a life with the woman I loved more than anything in the world. Her being on her own brought up some difficult things for me. My insecurities had a way of popping up out of nowhere. When she would get busy at work or wouldn't be able to talk I would sometimes go off the rails. Looking back it was just the fear of losing her once we had finally gotten to our goal. But I can see now that it was just insane. In the beginning, after he had found out she told me most everything about their conversations. Once she moved though, they didn't speak very often. She didn't know but I was always hoping that the door she had left open would be closed soon. But I was over the moon just to be able to have so much time with her. I spent literally every single spare moment with here. I thought things were good. October turned to November. She spent thanksgiving with her family which I kind of expected. It wasn't easy but I understood. We were in a good place. We spent a lot f time together and just enjoyed being able to do normal things. November turned to December. As the holidays approached I was apprehensive because I knew she would be spending a lot of time with him. It was ironic because after the entire thing with rob she had told me that she extended on us being able to be together for the holidays. And now that we were together it didn't seem like I was going to get to have much of the holidays. Leading up to Christmas she spent a few days with him. I honestly felt like everything was ok. We were doing good. I didn't put up much of a fight about her doing things with him and the kids because I had done the same thing the year before. Everything seemed alright until about a week before Christmas. That's when my entire world came crashing down. I was knocked off of cloud 9 and fell back to ear with a pain and shock like I have never felt. It was a Saturday I believe. We had talked most of the morning. I was at work and I fell asleep. When I woke up I realized she hadn't messaged me and it had been a few hours. It was a little strange but I don't think much. I texted her and she didn't respond. I had this sinking feeling that she was at the house with him. It felt like recently when she was alone and I wasn't able to be there she had ended up at the house. Finally she texted back and confirmed what I already knew in my gut. She was with him. She was very dismissive and I immediately felt my blood run cold. She had never been that way towards me. Over 2 hours passed before she finally called me. We fought. I was upset and hurt. At some point in the conversation I asked a question that I felt would just give me some reassurance. I was wrong. I asked her if she still wanted this and the anwser sent me into a tailspin that still hasn't stopped to this day. She said she wasn't sure. After hundreds of days of being sure. And thousands of promises of forever. In one second and 3 words my world had just turned upside down. I lost it. I panicked. I immediately felt like I was fighting for my life. I begged, and pleaded. I made every argument I could. I cried hysterically. I had no clue where this had come from and my faith in our relationship had never allowed me to consider that she didn't want to be with me. That night I was terrified. She told me that she just wasn't sure but that things were ok. That maybe it was just the holidays. Looking back I'm not sure if that was true. I had no clue what they had talked about when they were together. She may have already been making plans to leave me. That night I didn't sleep. I wrote her a letter about how I was feeling. The next few days were agonizing. One day she just didn't respond to me all day long. No explanation or warning. That was when I realized something was very wrong. She had to know how terrified I was. I sent her messages all day long just asking her to say something and she ignored me. I was physically ill. My stomach ached all day. She knew what it was doing to me but she refused to say anything. I thought that she was just done with me and didn't want to say so. I still to this day have a hard time believing that she let me feel that kind of panic and fear when she had the power to stop it. Eventually she texted me and said she just needed some time. I was at a loss. The woman I knew would never have let me hurt that way if she could have helped it.it still hurts to think about. That week she was spending time with him to do things for Christmas and her parents came to town. I knew in my gut that her family being in town was not a good thing while she was feeling uncertain. She missed her family. It was Christmas. It was understandable but what I couldn't understand is how her sadness or guilt could make her question us. I had gone through the same thing a year earlier and had never considered giving her up. Something that had been an absolute certainty for so long. The thing that was meant to be. She was distant. She told me she needed time to think. She treated me differently and we didn't get to talk much because she was with her family. I could tell that she was already starting to shut me out. She refused to even talk to me about it. I spent every day in a panic but I tried to respect her feelings by giving her space and acting like things were ok. The reality was I was falling apart. I was losing the thing I had given up my entire life for and I couldn't do anything about it. She wouldn't even have a conversation with me. She was packaging me up and putting me away already and all I could do was watch. The next time we would see eachother was on Christmas. We had plans to spent the evening together and exchange gifts. Even though I was drowning in fear and anxiety I was still hopeful that maybe it was something that would pass. She kept telling me that she just needed some time and that she wasn't going to make any decisions. She promised me that she wouldn't make any decision until after the holidays. We didn't get to talk much in Christmas Day. She sent me just a couple of messages. I was supposed to meet her at her apartment at 6. I texted her and never got a reply. I could feel that something was wrong. She finally responded when I was a few minutes away. I got to the apartment and was a total wreck. I knew something was wrong and I had thought about it all the way there. What I would say to her. I walked into the apartment and she was sitting on the couch. I didn't say anything but just sat down beside her. I leaned my head on her shoulder and she hugged me in a way that told me that things were not ok. She hugged me like you hug someone that just lost a family member. Or just found out they have cancer. She squeezed me really tight and my blood ran cold. I immediately went in to fight or flight mode. I asked her if that hug was because she missed me or because something bad was about to happen. She said it was both. Again, I immediately lost it. I yelled and screamed. She had promised not to make a decision and then had gone and done the exact opposite. Not only that, but she had told him that she was breaking up with me. I was hysterical. I felt like I was going to suffocate just from the pain. She tried to console me but it was useless. I reminded her of all the sacrifices that I had made to be with her. That I had lost my family in the process. I felt a pain in that moment that I thought would surely stop my heart. She kept trying to somehow make me feel better but how can you feel better when your life is ending? We talked for hours. I begged and pleaded. I yelled and cried. I berated her for directly promising not to make a decision and then doing it anyway. That night she backpedaled. She couldn't come to terms with that being the last time we were ever together. Our conversation centered around the question of, was she ready to never see me again. She told me again, that she would take some time and that she would tell him that she hadn't ended things with me. I was still heartbroken. I could see that I was losing her. She was doing the exact same thing to me that she had planned to do to him. Let time go by so that it wasn't a big shock all at once. That night we opened gifts. I tried to muster up some level of happy but I was destroyed. I honestly couldn't comprehend how she could look at all that I had given up for this and just say, sorry I'm going back. I deserved more. Way more. That night we made love for the last time. I had tears in my eyes the entire time. I begged her to say that it wouldn't be the last night I spent with her. She did. I barely slept that night. I got up a few hours later to go to work. That would be the last time I was in her apartment. The last time we made love. The last time I slept beside her. And the last time I had any say in what would happen. I kissed her goodbye that morning and left for work. I cried the entire way. I knew what was happening but I caught with myself. I told myself that she wouldn't do this to me. That she wouldn't break all of those promises. A few days passed. I actually had a little more hope that maybe in attempting to give me up completely she had seen that it wasn't the right thing the next few days she worked and spent the evenings with her family. On New Year's Eve she was going to the house to see everyone. She had planned on staying the night but hadn't told me until she was on her way there. I immediately get sick. I knew that it wasn't good for us. That night she didn't text much. I decided I would go out to a bar and drink to try and feel better. That was one of the ways I knew that she was trying to put me away. She didn't even ask me if I had plans. She didn't want to hear that I was spending the night alone and heartbroken. That night I sat at bar and drank while staring at my phone waiting to hear from her. I had tears in my eyes at midnight at a stood in the middle of a crowd counting down and laughing and drinking. I was completely alone. We exchanged texts at midnight. She told me she loved me. But she didn't say goodnight. We always said goodnight. I went home that night and prayed that it wasn't over. She was staying the night with him and I was as alone as I had ever been. The next day she said nothing. She again, left me to feel that fear and panic all day long. I was completely inconsolable. I was working so I had to somehow put on a face that looked like I wasn't losing my mind. I begged her to say something. She never responded. It was one of the most agonizing days I had ever experienced. Why would she want me to hurt like this? She knew what it was doing to me. She was with him, with her family and had left me completely alone and abandoned. It still hurts me in a visceral way to think about her just letting me feel that way. I was supposed to see her the next day. All day I thought about what I would do. I was so hurt and angry. I had decided that I would drive to her apartment whether she said anything or not. If she wasn't there I would go to her house to see if she was there. I had no clue what I would do after that. Some part of me wanted to knock on the door and ask for her. Get on my knees and beg her not to leave me. The other side of my brain wanted to cause a scene. To hurt her like she had hurt me. She had met my son. She had met my mom. But to everyone but her husband I didn't exist and she wanted to keep it that way. If she was going to just throw me away I wanted everyone to at least know that I existed. That morning I was determined and angry and broken. I came home and changed clothes and got ready to leave. As I was about to walk out the door my phone went off. It was the message that I had been praying would never come. It was over. She didn't want me. She said that she had spent the day reflecting, that she had talked to her mom and prayed. And that she wanted to go back home. It was surreal. I had known it was coming but that massive faith that she had taught me to have always made me believe that we would get through it. Part of me refused to believe that she would just throw it all away. I was angry by what she had said. That her mom could see she wasn't happy... well her mom had never seen her with me. She had never seen the passion and unbridled joy that we shared together. She had promised not to make a decision. She had promised to take time. She had told me that she wanted time alone to see how she felt but then she had emerged herself in all the things she was giving up. Of course she wouldn't choose me when she was surrounded by everything that made her feel sad and guilty. She had rigged the game against me. I never had a chance. I begged. I pleaded like a man that had just received a death sentence. She was unshaken by a single word I said. Just like I had started to feel a few weeks earlier, she had turned off some part of herself. She had quietly built a wall that didn't allow her to feel it in a way she would have before. I'm not sure how but she was cold. She had somehow managed to find a place in her heart that was unconcerned for me and everything that we had been through. Ever day for a year she had been madly in love with me. She had promised me forever and now it was ending with a text message. She refused to even speak on the phone. I called her a coward. I couldn't help but think about months before when she had told me that we would be together for the holidays. The one holiday where we were together she broke my heart and on the last holiday she had decided to put me away for good. After an hour of me begging her in every possible way she ended the conversation. I realized at this point that she had never really even talked to me about it. She hadn't told me her feelings other than to say that she missed her family. She had shut me out completely. She had ended it that day because she could see me and still make the decision. She couldn't look me in the eyes and feel our love and walk away from it. That would have been the honest way. To look me in the eye and tell me it was over. But she knew that was impossible. I told her that I wasn't giving up. That I would wait forever to be able to have her again and I meant it. I could give her up. Our love was something that had changed me. I had given up everything just for a chance to be with her. I cried like I have never cried. It came from a place deep in my soul. I felt agony and despair on a level I didn't know was possible. I was pacing and couldn't think straight. Without even thinking I picked up the phone and called Kourtney. When she answered I was sobbing. I told her I was sorry, that her and Jake deserved better and I hung up. I had given up my family and hurt her profoundly. And for what? So that carly could throw me away as soon as it got hard. I had given up my dream home, all financial security, my son ever having his parents together, all of kourtneys family that I loved. I felt like a complete idiot. I got in my truck and just started driving. Before I knew it I was an hour away completely lost on some backroad. I had to pull over because I couldn't see through the tears. I looked over and there was just this beautiful green pasture that made me think of nothing but her beauty. I got got out and just started walking. In that moment I completely broke down in every conceivable way. I sat there on my knees beside the road. I cried, I screamed and I simply thought of her face. I was broken. The days went on. I don't eat or sleep. I sent her a Message a day to tell her I loved her. One day I asked her to say a prayer for me and she replied. She said , every day. Every since she left I have felt like she somehow saw her faith as something that was a barrier to us. I have never been a religious person and we talked about that fact. She had never expressed a desire that she felt like her faith was something that was missing in her life. I could understand that the guilt had kept her away. When she left her husband had to turned to church to help with the situation. Since she left she had started going to church with him. As long as I had know her she always seemed to have a personal relationship with god and seemed to be confident in what that was. But I couldn't shake the feeling after the day she left me that she somehow felt like that faith and revamped connection to her faith was a reason for leaving me. It hurt unbelievably to feel like somehow god wanted me to feel this pain. That somehow god was a reason for her not wanting me anymore. That our love was just a product of sins that we had committed and therefore wasn't worthy. I felt like her husband had used faith to sway her. That was agonizing. I had never meant to stand between her and her faith. It was even more painful because I had lost someone that I loved in this way before. My high school sweetheart had left me after nearly ten years for a relationship that in her eyes was more in line with her faith. It was a terrible feeling to feel like you were some kind of terrible person that couldn't be accepted in conjunction with faith in god. I felt like on some level this was happening again. That I represented the sins she had committed and she had to repent for me. How could I compete with that. That her husbands faith had somehow taken her from me just like what had happened to me 10 years earlier with another woman I was planning on spending forever with. I am a good person with a good heart. Yet this made me feel like I was the devil on her shoulder. If god was telling her not to be with me, how could I ever hope to see her again? I may not be a religious person but she had taught me to believe in something bigger than myself. That the universe had a plan for us. That some things were meant to be. If she was talking to god and he didn't want us to be, how could I believe in my soul that she was the person I was supposed to spend forever with? Still to this day I feel like her faith somehow keeps her from me and that fact is agonizing. I am not the devil. All I ever wanted was to love her. Days went on and she actually began to talk to me. I didn't know why but I was just happy to hear from her. I had been trying to fill the void with other women. I had gone back to the same pattern that had led me to her. The roller coaster of compulsive behavior. I felt unwanted and I was just searching for some relief. The thing that was different this time was that these women really wanted me. They probably had daydreams about a life with me. They just wanted a chance. I'm a single man with a good job and has his shit mostly together. By all standards I was a catch. But what they didn't know was they they never had a chance. I had lost the woman of my dreams and I was profoundly broken. They would try but none could measure up. Carly had set a bar that was impossible to reach. She was the most beautiful person I had ever known, inside and out. No matter what anyone had to offer they weren't her. So they get hurt. They just remind me of what I lost. Carly started to open up more. We would talk during the day,sometimes about nothing and sometimes about everything. Eventually things almost started to feel like us. She actually started to tell me she loved me again. I never doubted that but it was another thing for her to say it. But there was always a barrier. A wall of some sort that she put up not to feel the full brunt of the emotion or sadness or desire. Some days I craved her body in a way that made me insane. The physical connection we had was so powerful that my body ached for her. This was another thing that I couldn't comprehend her walking away from. Sex had always been a big part of us. But it was more than sex. It was a bond that we shared in the deepest possible level. An intimate that bared the soul in a way like nothing else could. We had shared desires that we could never share with anyone. We had discovered a form of intimacy that was completely consuming. How could she put that away? That was where I was. Any one aspect of our relationship seemed powerful enough to fight for forever. But together, they made this impassable mountain. It was the biggest and most powerful thing that we had ever witnessed. How did she give it up? And here we are. Apart but still madly in love. It has been 68 days since she told me it was over. I don't know what keeps her from me. Is it guilt? Fear? Faith? Did she just not love me the way that I thought? This is our story the way I remember it. The way I felt it. How could it possibly end this way? My belief is that in her heart she wants to come back. She wants to spend the rest of her life with this massive love. But as she has said many times, life got in the way. But we are life. We were what being alive was about. I never feel so alive as when her lips touch mine. I never feel joy like when we laugh together. I never feel intimacy like when she touches me. I never feel happiness like when we are together. I ant life supposed to be powerful? Shouldn't we want to feel the most powerful version of all of those things? For the past month I have written tens of thousands of words to show her my love. None of them have brought her back. I we have cried together and shared a kiss that confirmed Every single word I have ever written to her. That's the thing. She feels by touch. That's why she won't put herself in the position to have my hands on her gain. That one kiss encompassed everything I could ever say to her. That power can't be described. So here I sit. Still fighting for my life. Some days I can't understand how none of it seems to even sway her. Other days I know that if it does she wouldn't tell me. In some moments she lets the wall down and I see what's behind it. The same love and passion for me that she always had. She believes that she doesn't have the strength to change things. That it's too much. But I know different. I know that the love that took me to the guest places and has pulled me down to the lowest low can do anything. But I have faith. Because she taught me how to keep it. We made thousands of promises of forever and I intend to keep mine. Every day I face the reality that I may never have her back. But I am also comforted by the belief that if she is still here. I believe with all my heart that if she lets go of expectations and the fear of disappointment that I am what she truly wants and desires. The hard reality is, that she never chose me. She never had that day where she spoke the truth. I had her for a brief moment by default. It will take bravery and strength like she has never had to choose me. Every day is a roller coaster for me. Hearing her call me baby or say that she loves you had the power to change my entire day. I am not foolish enough to believe that those things are signs that the tides are turning. It doesn't matter because I believe that she wants to be with me, she's just not sure how to get there. We are meant to be and life got in the way. Maybe this is part of our journey. I have to have faith because without the faith that she taught me there is only pain and grief. So every day I fight. I fight for the love that turned my would upside down. Reading this story, one might feel like it has been one felled with heartache, and it is. But the problem with words is that no matter how skilled you are with them they can't describe some feelings. The love I continue to feel for her far outweighs the pain. I wish I could find the words to describe just how much I love her but I have failed at that every day that I have known her and they will continue to fall short. So I fight. I fight for another day where the sun shines brighter. I smile and I cry often. She can still make me feel joy with a single smile. She is still the most beautiful woman in the world. We are still soulmates. It's still a madness that cany't be described. That's the thing. Nothing has changed from that night where I told her I was going to spend my life with her. We are in the same place where we started and I'm willing to go through it all again just to have her. I just hope that she doesn't wait until it's too late. We were just two people who found a light in the dark. And I will keep fighting to keep that light alive. She is ever hope and dream I have ever had. I have loved her in every life that I have ever lived and I will love her for for a thousand more years. When this life is over, I will find her and keep fighting for her. Because this was meant to be. We aren't guaranteed tomorrow but I will spend what may be my last day fighting for a love that made me feel alive. And I pray that when I take my last breath she will be beside me. With that little hair flip and her warm smile. Because that's what heaven looks like to me. I love her so much big. And for always; This is our story. It's incomplete but it is my truth. One day I will be able to finish it. I pray that it will be decades from now. I have faith that it doesn't end here. To be continued...

[idolizerp]

LOADING INFORMATION ON INDIGO’S LEAD VOCAL, LEAD DANCE KIM RAEYOON…

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: Remy CURRENT AGE: 25 DEBUT AGE: 20 TRAINEE SINCE AGE: 17 COMPANY: MSG ETC: They have recently gotten involved more heavily in production and lyric writing

IDOL IMAGE

remy bursts onto the scene of winter 2014 with bad boy debonair, mischievous nonchalance, and a penchant for flirtation. play off the strengths and weaknesses of your members, had been their furtive recommendation. here’s the earnest one, the sensitive one, the diligent one, the ethereal one, and now you. you’re sharp edges, a cut and cruel face, thin mouth that only knows how to grin crooked, and tapered eyes whose surest weapon is their wink. hone your artillery, make it yours, and if you can, make them scream.

remy’s never been one for violent metaphors but he runs with this one because his passion outweighs everything else. for the first few years it gets the better of him and he feels some dissonance, has a hard time believing any of what he’s bringing to the stage is coming from anywhere real because of course it isn’t. but in time he learns that this too is part of the art of performance, and that there’s nothing disingenuous about what he’s doing so long as he can differentiate his two egos of what could never be and what actually is. when the music stops so does the charade and this is how he will retain his authenticity.

the public learn the ins and outs of remy, too; the few who care at all take whatever crumbs and scraps they can find, one scattered comeback at a time, to build a more nuanced portrait and uncover the person behind the persona. for the most part their findings are accurate and positive. remy is methodical, prefers to take things a little bit at a time. but is there a reason he takes forever to make a decision? it’s only dessert. it’s called being considerate. his head is in the cloud sometimes, but he’s always thoughtful. must read a lot too, he’s always quoting stuff i’ve never heard of. pretty sure that’s his way of showing off the fact he used to study in europe, never liked elites like him. the only bravado he shows is onstage, not sure what you’re talking about. he’s surprisingly demure behind the scenes. i’ve never seen him cry, not even once. you sure he’s not some kind of robot? i’d pay good money to see a robot with a laugh that cute. weird. i think you mean his laugh is weird.

his reputation—whichever unassembled pieces exist in phone cameras, group chats, morning catchup by the office water cooler—follows remy straight into re:group, where he thereupon establishes himself as the show’s sage, a calm meditative tide. the contrasting snarl and bite of his performance style still persists, but the sex appeal stops there. he’s not controversial, not cutthroat enough to propel himself to viral fame. but his character and up-until-this-point unseen predilection for music win him the respect of fellow competitors and the sincere affections of weekly viewers. it’s more than he could possibly ask for.

with indigo’s triumphant return to the industry, remy repays fans old and new by trying his hand at songwriting. building off of the momentum from re:group and recognizing the group’s need for growth, msg embraces a brand shift, letting him produce the track for their next comeback. the move effectively solidifies and tacks on a new identity for him as a producer for the group; he acquiesces to the role with ease, and to rave reception. indigo’s reaffirmation in society comes with the affirmative understanding for all of the members that donning their faces, old and new, they’re in it for the long haul.

IDOL HISTORY

a: at five, he is petulant. more than the average five-year-old should be, but who can blame the kid when he feels how jarringly out of place he is in this country and continent, but doesn’t have the vocabulary to express any of it. and so raeyoon prefers to spend his time indoors, in front of the television and away from prying eyes, watching documentaries and music broadcasts he never quite comprehends but thinks he likes the sound of. mother, ever observant from the kitchen, keeps a watchful eye.

b: prideful, not passionate. pride is what keeps him enrolled in piano lessons but keeps him from realizing his potential. his mother sits with him through every practice session, guiding him with an iron will and berating him with an immovable ear. she calls him a technician and so do the judges, but he plays a showstopper in basel and a sonata in bern anyways because people have programs to fill and don’t expect full emotional maturation from a ten year-old. that summer when he takes the train to summer camp abroad—but then, what isn’t abroad at this point—raeyoon distantly wonders where he’s headed.

c: hundreds of miles from home, raeyoon is suddenly compelled to take to the stack of cds that father snuck into his suitcase months ago without ever citing a reason. the cds themselves are bare. the cases in which they are contained are bare save for a rough tracklist penned in permanent marker. the music that he hears isn’t anything familiar. but the voice he hears most certainly is.

d: he passes his audition.

he had gone on a whim. while out shopping for beef bones with grandmother one morning someone had approached him with a business card and while stewing the beef bones back in her apartment he’d asked grandmother to accompany him. he doesn’t remember anything about it beyond a panel of faceless men and his mother’s voice reverberating like a dream in the caverns of his head.

it was never supposed to be this consequential and yet it is, yet here he is feeling the most something he’s felt in his five-thousand-eight-hundred-eight-eight-day life. the news hits him like a brick and his head drops onto the table. grandmother pries the phone away from his hands and dials in another number. with his head still down and eyes closed raeyoon hears her shuffle into the kitchen, open the pot, and plate up the last serving of oxtail soup. he hears the line click on the other end. and then he hears her voice again, so familiar and sweet and real.

e: he blends in here. he laughs thinking back to a decade ago when he’d stood out so sorely, and how that’s exactly what he needs now if he wants a good shot at this. for the next three years, he sharpens himself to the finest point possible.

f: it’s called face. face in the crowd, facing the music, saving face. it’s a word loaded with meanings and potentialities and it feels so wholly appropriate raeyoon almost cries but doesn’t, not yet. he runs through the showcase introduction, performance, final ments. thanks everyone for coming out to support their debut. when the spotlight dims down and the mass of bodies begins to file out of the venue, he spots his mother lingering in the audience, a face in the crowd. raeyoon swallows the lump in his throat. not yet.

g: during rehearsal at a hundred-person venue in gwangju city, a standing light crashes and raeyoon sustains a small injury to his right pinky. no big deal, he tells everyone, it’s not like he’s using it for much anymore anyways, and the appendage is wrapped in gauze and rehearsal continues like clockwork.

he doesn’t notice until a year later, when it’s much too late for buddy tape and a brace, that his pinky never quite recovered right. he opens up a dusty book of liszt arpeggios wondering if maybe now is the time to leverage that skillset, if maybe now he can demonstrate something beyond the technical prowess of his childhood, and fumbles like a clown on the keys. looking down, his pinky tells him the whole story. the first knuckle juts outward and askew with the rest of the finger, like a soul separating from its host.

he thinks back to the past year, and even the year before that, and draws a funny picture not unlike the analogy. it’s not just the finger. negligence is rampant. looking the other way and pretending not to notice everything that’s gone wrong, and everything that could possibly go wrong. what were the meds for, again? chronic pain, allergies, or just insomnia? he forgets. forgets most things, like his pinky finger, like the fact he hasn’t called home in weeks out of shame, and forgets that crying was even an option even though these days he’s got all the time in the world.

h: his saving grace descends in the form of a reality show that sweeps the country and his group by storm. it’s in between mandatory diary entries, the relentless gaze of the camera, stress and sleep deprivation, public defamation, and the thrill of a new stage—another day—that sets raeyoon alight again.

on the last night: a sea of faceless, wailing bodies under the stage, let’s debut, and his mother’s song ringing in his ears. he feels the bodies beside him leave one at a time to claim their spot on the podium, rank five, four, three. he’s tired, hungry, and smiling brighter. two. a rock tied by string. and one. his vision blurs, wet, and opaque. the lump in his throat swells, and he throws his head back to blink away the tears. not yet, not yet.

i: his first hand at production, a first win for the group, and a first concert after five years. it’s nothing short of a miracle, and their story is one that resonates somewhere deep. though revitalized, raeyoon doesn’t hunger for much anymore. but even five years in and with the tides swaying in their favor, he knows better to submit to complacency—scoffs at even the suggestion of it. with the attention on them—actually, legitimately on them now—the stakes are higher than ever, and he’s simply too grateful to do anything but deliver.

#id.bio #id.msg #id.indigo #id.park junhee

[themusicenthusiast]

Tuesday, June 6th, 2017 – It’s a ‘No Bumma’ Tuesday in Dallas Thanks to a Blistering Set from Hell or Highwater

All photos by Jordan Buford Photography This Tuesday night saw the Hearts in Hell Tour rolling through Dallas, Hell or Highwater and Stitched Up Heart joining forces for a month-long tour, the former of those having a strong showing of fans out. It probably didn’t hurt that they had been in Dallas barely over a month prior for a show, and clearly, one way or another, they had made an impression on those who ventured out to The Curtain Club this night. In a bit of a repeat from that April gig, Idler was opening for them, fellow D-FW acts Awaiting Daylight and Solice joining them in warming up the crowd, all setting a high bar for the two headliners. Furthering the excitement about Hell or Highwater’s set was the fact that they had released Vista (out via Spinefarm Records) since their last trip through, fans having now had time to indulge in the new material from their sophomore LP. I was looking forward to seeing them as well, having enjoyed what I caught of them while at the Aftershock Festival in 2015. They were good then, but within mere moments of taking the stage this night it was evident they had become a totally different band in the time since.

They only had 37-minutes to work with, Kyle Rosa launching them into their opening number with some pulsating percussion, frontman Brandon Saller jumping around some as they took the place by storm with “Colors”. The lead track from their new album was a stupendous way to kick it off, having a bit of an anthem-esque feel to it, its assertive vibe pulling everyone into the rock ‘n’ roll spectacle they were preparing to deliver, the room feeling electric. “Let me see those hands!! Clap those hands!!” the singer instructed, most of the patrons throwing their hands up in the air and helping out with the beat, feeling compelled to participate as they made a direct segue into “Don't Stop. Get Up”. They continued throwing down, bassist Nick Maldonado and Saller standing back to back as the cut got underway, while Joey Bradford attacked his guitar and belted out the backing vocals that serve to make it (and all of their stuff) that much more dynamic. Saller even climbed atop the kick drum at one point, singing a few lines from up there; the rest of the stage being adorned by some faux palm trees with lights strung from them. “Thank you, thank you, thank you. How are you doing tonight?” asked the frontman, soon mentioning they did have a new album out and asking who had Vista in their collection. A good bit of people did, and they seemed rather familiar with one of the singles released prior to the album coming out, “Don't Hate Me”. No sooner had it begun and Saller hopped off the stage, spending the entirety of it roaming around the Curtain and mingling with spectators. The simple gesture made it that much cooler, that he would go the extra mile into establishing a connection with everyone; and Jon Hoover made use of the extra space now available on the backlined stage, moving more towards the center and shredding on his axe.

The rapid-fire pace continued with “Another Good Time”, Bradford having a chance to demonstrate his musical prowess as he wailed on his guitar, the solo packing a punch as they put everyone in a deeper state of awe. Upon finishing that one Saller commented on their décor along with their attire (they were sporting some Hawaiian shirts), stating they had brought the beach with them, essentially wanting to capture that carefree attitude that is often associated with California living, wearing their “party shirts” to boot. I don’t know how much of a legitimate beach vibe it created, though it did make the environment fell all the more fun, so, mission accomplished.

Patrons were encouraged to pull their phones out for “Lighter Than Air”, the slightly more melodic track seeing most everyone waving their phones about, lights on bright, capturing one of those classic concert moments, albeit with a modern twist. That was welcomed, but someone buried in their phone wasn’t what they were hoping for, Saller playfully calling out a person who he had noticed had been on their phone since they started. “…Don’t text and show…” he remarked, stressing that was almost as important as not texting and driving. That earned some hearty laughs, and as he continued addressing the crowd, Saller noted they would do one old song, which delighted fans and showed just what a solid fan base they had out this night.

It was the lead track from Begin Again that they had planned, the high-energy “Gimmie Love” fitting perfectly with everything else they had been doing this night, and I dare say it wound up being the most electrifying song of their set. They were confident and comfortable throughout their performance, though were even more in the zone on that one. Perhaps it was due to the extra familiarity and assurance with that one, being one they’ve played for years now that made it so enthralling, but regardless as to what it was they knocked it out of the park. As they took a breather, Saller formally introduced themselves to the crowd, then asking if they had it in them for some singing along. It was simple, and he led everyone through “whoa oh” a few times, making sure people had it down. That brought them to the most inspiring song in their arsenal, “Walk Out in the Rain” carrying a message of perseverance and weathering whatever life throws at you. “…You can break me, stab me in the back but I'll still leave with my soul intact… Life's a walk out in the rain,” goes part of the chorus; Saller thrusting the microphone out towards everyone each time their part came around, the crowd singing it back at them, all of that cultivating a magical moment as their set approached the end.

Before their final song, they mentioned the way of life they were out pushing on the road. “No bumma summa!” Saller declared, the audience going above and beyond his request of shouting it and instead making it into a chant as they wished everyone an unforgettable summer. And helping them make this an unforgettable set was “I Want it All”, the striking song bringing things to a mighty finish, even drawing it out, turning over the refrain of “I want it all!” to the onlookers before wrapping it up, the quintet leaving the stage having blown at least a few minds this night. What the five of them did on the stage this night transcended being just a show and instead was an absolute experience. No words could adequately describe it, it was just one of those things you needed to witness to be able to truly understand and appreciate.

The energy they exuded was infectious, their music being specifically geared towards energizing the listener, the near non-stop pace they maintained ensuring they were nothing short of riveting. Said energy Hell or Highwater managed to harness was overwhelming, wielding it perfectly and exceeding everything their fans were hoping for while enthralling all of the new listeners. A completely different band from when I saw them upwards of two years ago, they really seem to have come into their own. The live performance is definitely where they excel the most and if you get the chance you need to see them. Their music is just as impressive, though. The lyrics of their new stuff are uplifting and encouraging, sure to resonate deeply with many who hear it, and that’s what music is all about. It’s about connecting with someone and making them feel something, and everything off Vista will certainly achieve that. The Hearts in Hell Tour will run on through July 9th when it wraps up at Whisky A Go Go in Los Angeles, CA. Other stops include June 15th at The Basement in Columbus, OH; June 23rd at The Riot Room in Kansas City, MO; and July 1st at Knitting Factory in Spokane, WA. A few days after the tour is over they’ll be in Chicago for Chicago Open Air on July 14th, and in late September you can catch them at High Elevation Fest in Denver. A full list of their upcoming shows can be found HERE; and go buy Vista in iTUNES or GOOGLE PLAY.

#Hell or Highwater #Hell or Highwater 2017 #Hell or Highwater Dallas #Hell or Highwater Review #Hell or Highwater Live Review #Hell or Highwater Show Review #Hell or Highwater The Music Enthusiast #Hell or Highwater Hearts in Hell Tour #Hell or Highwater Concert Review #The Music Enthusiast #2017 #Dallas #Texas #DFW #Deep Ellum #Music #Rock #Review #Concert Review #Dallas Music Blog #Texas Music Blog #Jordan Buford Photography #Brandon Saller #Kyle Rosa #Joey Bradford #Jon Hoover #Nick Maldonado #Music Enthusiast #Curtain Club #The Curtain Club

[junker-town]

UNC’s might fire Larry Fedora, and Mack Brown rumors are an actual thing

Fedora’s unusually mixed tenure could end shortly after the Heels play NC State on Saturday. One of his Heels predecessors is already generating real discussion in UNC corners.

There’s a strong chance North Carolina will fire head coach Larry Fedora shortly after its Week 13 game at NC State, which will probably be a loss.

That’s partly informed opinion based on what usually happens to coaches who have two horrible seasons in a row in their sixth and seventh years on a job. And it’s party because SB Nation’s Steven Godfrey reported earlier this month that the coaching industry thinks the school will fire Fedora if it can swallow his buyout.

That’d be a bit more than $12 million, according to USA Today. That’s a lot, but it could well be within UNC’s means. Louisville just agreed to pay more than that to fire Bobby Petrino. Would the Heels really be able to justify that being the decisive factor?

If Fedora gets fired, former UNC and Texas coach Mack Brown’s name will get mentioned. It won’t be just him, but that’s a real thing.

The current ESPN studio analyst is already coming up in public rumors. He’s also being bandied about in UNC booster circles, per Godfrey and Richard Johnson:

UNC has a lot of upside and a lot of names attached. Georgia defensive coordinator Mel Tucker and App State head coach Scott Satterfield are two to watch. There’s no reason a Mark Stoops-style slow build couldn’t work here.

But Brown? Yeah, the 67-year-old national title winner at Texas, retired since 2013, is a name floating around boosters at UNC. Given that Brown is second all-time in program wins at North Carolina (he coached the Heels from 1988-’97), this isn’t quite as strange as Les Miles to Kansas, but the style (and age) of Brown is at odds with the desire among UNC insiders to get “younger and cooler,” per one source.

Current recruits were like 5 when Brown won his national title at Texas, but HELL YEAH. Let’s rev it up. Watch this video about the Vince Young Rose Bowl and dream of Brown finding some kid from Charlotte and doing what he did with mega-recruit Young 13 years ago:

Fedora’s job appears in danger because his program has moved in exactly the wrong direction.

The former Southern Miss head coach and Oklahoma State offensive coordinator has been in charge since 2012. But let’s jump to a few years ago.

In 2015, UNC went 11-3, winning the ACC Coastal and giving Clemson a pretty decent scare in the conference championship game. That record included an 11-1 regular season.

In 2016, UNC went 8-5 — worse, but fine, with some regression expected after the loss of star quarterback Marquise Williams.

In 2017, UNC went 3-9, another expected regression after losing No. 2 overall pick Mitchell Trubisky, but a steeper decline than what most projected.

In 2018, with some key players suspended for parts of the early season, UNC’s been terrible, failing to bounce back at all.

Recruiting’s also dipped this year, though the Early Signing Period’s still yet to come. The Heels are accustomed to finishing around 30th in the national recruiting rankings, but for the class of 2019, they’re tracking to finish around 60th and near the bottom of the ACC.

None of that’s good, but this could still be a somewhat hard call. There are fair reasons to let go of Fedora, but also fair ones to keep him.

A more detailed list of pros and cons is here, but some key points:

Fedora’s failed to compete even in the most limp version of the Coastal in 2018. Miami and Virginia Tech have been mediocre, and UNC still didn’t contend (thought it was the first and maybe the only ACC team to beat eventual Coastal champ Pitt).

Fedora said some embarrassing stuff before the season that raised legitimate questions about his commitment to player safety, even though it wasn’t all incorrect.

But that $12 million-plus buyout’s still there.

While he’s led UNC to its worst record since 2006, he’s also led UNC to its best record since 1997. Few coaches have ever offered more of a mixed bag of results.

Fedora has, all in all, a good track record of coaching offense, though things have gotten a lot worse on that side of the ball the last two years.

And other coaches in the industry thought he had fair explanations for struggling, Godfrey reported:

The Heels hired Fedora after firing Butch Davis in 2011. He took the job without knowing the eventual NCAA punishment (one-year bowl ban in 2012, 15 scholarships over three years). Fedora was also unaware that the NCAA would keep haunting campus for years, investigating claims of academic fraud across multiple sports from before Fedora’s time.

Throughout the saga, Fedora was courted by other programs with inarguably more football tradition and deeper pockets than UNC (he could’ve replaced Derek Dooley at Tennessee), yet he elected to stay in Chapel Hill.

“He stuck around when I wouldn’t have. He put up with a whole, whole lot. I think it was because he knew he could eventually build something and he’d earn their respect to get the benefit of the doubt,” an ACC head coach told SB Nation.

Earlier in November, Tar Heel Blog fleshed out detailed reasons to both fire and not fire the coach. It’s not a no-brainer, despite the usual indicators pointing against Fedora and the reporting that indicates a firing is very much on the table.

This should be an attractive job, especially in the current market.

There aren’t a lot of Power 5 openings. If UNC decides Fedora’s not the guy, the school should draw plenty of strong non-Brown candidates.