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neverendingstories00 · 4 years

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Past The Point Of No Return (Ch.4)

Summary: Safin grows Impatient with you as you reject his romantic advances. Taking advice from his right-hand man, he whisks you off of the island for an intimate weekend getaway.

Word Count: 6.4K

Warnings: Minor mentions of PTSD, amputation, and drug use.

A/n: Ik I promised this yesterday, I’m so sorry if this is a day late. School got a little crazy. We’re starting our real work tomorrow but I promise ya’ll I’m going to make sure this keeps coming. Also, this chappie is going to talk about Safin’s origins (scarpin the surface btw). I have simply specluated about his orgins (thanks to reddit). But once again, Thank you for all of your support Hope y’all enjoy❣️😌

Previous Chapter | Masterlist

No matter how many times Safin told you were a guest that it was your lair now, you still felt like a prisoner. Safin claimed you were a bird trapped in a cage he had freed, but you still felt trapped. You were free to roam around the Submarine Pen as you pleased. Every corner there was a guard who would stare at like you were from another planet or Safin would find you and accompany you If he wasn’t busy trying to push Europe into a civil war. All you wanted to be was alone with your thoughts. No matter what, you always felt like you were being watched.

Your sanity was beginning to break as you had been on Safin’s island for a month. Some days went by fast while others had dragged on. Safin, seeing your boredom, understood you wanted something to keep you busy. His intention wasn’t to keep you only for marriage, but as someone, he could work by. You were useful in many ways, whether it be on the field or at a computer. So he had given you codes to encrypt for his new bases around Europe. As much as it made you feel guilty for helping Safin, you truly had no choice but to unfourenlty comply. One wrong move and the last bit of family you had left would be gone. Everyday you thought about M16. You had been there for four years and considered some of your co-workers to be family, even Bond (who could be irritating at times). When you encrypted codes, all you could think about was how you possibly let the double oh’s all die because of a foolish mistake. Safin had nerve giving you the job, but with your family being mentioned, all you could do was do what you were told. He had been generous enough to let you range shooting and even had let you teach some of his men how to properly shoot.

Every night, whether it was at dinner or when Safin would knock at your door to bid you good night, he would ask that same damn question you hated.

“Do you love me?”

Your response was always “no”. For as long as you could, you wanted to refrain from marrying Safin. The thought of being married to someone such as himself truly scared you. Having to lay in the same bed and consummate with Safin was haunting to any normal human. Yet the reason you were there was that Safin had an unhealthy obsession with you. Safin seemed like the type of man who would want to have his way with a woman, but he never forced himself upon you once. Sure he had touched your hair or (forcefully) made you hold his arm, but you rather would to deal with that.

One time, Safin had knocked on your bedroom door to say goodnight to you with a gift in hand. It was a beautiful gold necklace with a ring. Safin had placed it on your neck. You’d never forget the way he stood behind you, admiring your body and plush lips. “That necklace will look beautiful when we get married,” He whispered into your ear. You tried to take it off, but he had locked the clasp. The ring was a constant reminder that you were his even if you weren’t married.

Another time was when you were hiding in the gardens from Safin. He had found you and asked what you had been doing. You said you had been gardening since some of the plants had been dying. It seemed like a nice moment between you two as he asked about the type of flowers that resided in the garden. As you walked by blue Hydrangeas, he calmly stated, “Those would look good at our wedding, wouldn’t they y/n?”

Safin was delusional if you thought you were going to marry him right away. You had only known him a month, cringing at the fact that he loved you, but marriage? It all seemed like it was taken out of an overdramatic soap opera. Marriage would be a last resort if he truly threatened your family. You didn’t care about the gifts and attention he was showing you. Knowing that man was possibly responsible for your friends’ and families’ deaths disgusted you. All you wanted to be was alone, enjoying the small bit of freedom you had left. Away from a monster who considered you his bride.

-----

Serrano had noticed Safin’s obsession with y/n immetidly after Athens. Ever since she not only killed (but removed the expolsive lenses on an atomic bomb), Safin knew he needed her. Serrano had originally thought it was for business but soon learned Safin wanted her as his and his only. He would never say it to Safin’s face, but he pited the poor girl who was forced to love him. Y/n wasn’t some receptionist, but a markswoman with a kill count of over a hundred men. She was also the only person that ever talked back, even sassed, Safin. If one of his soldiers had done that, they would be dead within seconds since Safin had a short temper. But y/n had managed to live (somehow). The last romance Safin was involved in had endly so horribly that he ruined his career as an assassin and was forced to relocate. The last thing Serrano wanted to happen was to see a dead girl. He knew Safin better than anyone else did. Safin was a mysterious man that was unpredictable. But he was determined and would do anything to get what he wanted, whether it be bringing agencies to there knees or marrying a woman who didn’t love him back.

Walking through the hallways, Serrano towered over Safin. Just before there meeting, he saw Safin enter the gardens that he had made for the cyrptographer. He then walked up, seeming annoyed and pissier than usual. The anarchist was stressing over the fact that a woman he truly loved more than anything didn’t love him back. According to Safin, he was going to ask if y/n loved him every night until she said yes.

“Is everything alright, sir?” Serrano asks as he walks down the hallway.

Safin looks up at him, sighing. “Not quite. Y/n is beginning to get on my nerves. She doesn’t appreciate how much I have sacrificed for her. All I ask is for to be my wife and nothing more.”

Before losing his family, Serrano had been married to his university sweetheart. It took them three years to know and trust each other before they married. Safin wasn’t the best with emotions. He was impatient and demanded things to happen. But y/n’s being the woman she was, it didn’t seem like it was going to happen anytime soon.

“You were married,” Safin noted. “How did you get your wife to love you?”

“Patience, honesty, and respect,” Serrano replied. “It took us years before we married. You can’t rush love, it has to happen. You did take him from her home and threaten her family if you didn’t love her.”

“Yes, but it was the only way I could ever have y/n.” Safin tried to justify his actions. He had been hurt so many times over the years that he had become numb to other’s feelings and only thought of his own as important. “I give her gifts, clothing, a garden, and my heart yet all she ever does is scowl at me. I have tried everything I could with her. I was patient, and I’ve had enough.”

“If you want her to geniuenly love you then you cannot force it.” Serrano states. Safin huffed in response. He just wanted to skip past all of the difficulty and tell the world that you were his.

“I have an idea on how to get her to love you. It would be a start.”

Safin raises an eyebrow, nodding for Serrano to go on.

“I’m supposed to go with you to Mykonos this weekend for the shipment of weapons. But, what if y/n goes with you? I can set you up in a villa and even a private, romantic dinner. Take the girl shopping and get to know her better.” He proposes. Safin seemed to like the idea even if he was scared of the cyrotprgapher running off. Y/n had stated that she did need proper clothes that fit her.

“But I know everything I need to know about her.” He remarked.

“Well then tell her about yourself.”

“Y/n lacks interest in me.” The anarchist pointed. He didn’t want to talk about the past and let y/n know about his horrid past even if he had stalked every detail of her life.

“Safin, do you want her to love you or not?” Serrano reiterated. “It won’t happen immediately, but it’s a start. Don’t threaten her family and treat her as if she’s not a prisoner.”

“I have told her she is a guest! Once we marry, she will be the lady of this house.”

“You say that, yet don’t let her leave the island or have any contact with her family.” Serrano points out. Safin hated that he was right. He had a more stable romance than Safin had ever had in his life.

“What I am implying is make her feel like your a normal man taking your girlfriend on a romantic weekend trip.” He clarifies.

“She’s my fiance,” Safin corrects.

Serrano huffs in response. Stopping by the glass range door, the two men see Y/n shooting the pratice targets. Going through the packs of caliber, she had never missed the target once. He takes a glance at y/n before looking at Safin who is simply memroized by her.

“Just...offer it to her. Since you backed her into a corner, she’ll probably say this. But whatever you do, do not treat it like a deal. Treat it...like a normal date with your normal fiance.” With that. Serrano turned around the walked away to leave Safin and Y/n alone.

Safin walked into the empty range with the only occupant being y/n. She was dressed in a white shirt tucked into black cargo pants, aiming for the center of the target. Instead of standing, she curled down as if she were cuddling the weapon. Safin didn’t want to disturb her, watching her shift and fiddle with the trigger. Y/n hands were shaky and sweating, but with a deep breath, she released the trigger and let the bummer fly clean into the bullseye.

Resting the sniper rifle that was bigger then your body, you notice Safin’s eyes meet your form. Even with the noise-canceling headphones, you could tell it was him. Taking them off, you sighed as you wipe the sweat from your forehead. “Safin.”

“Y/n.” He responds, calm and cool. Offering his hand, you accepted it as he pulls up with no issue. Safin always wore bulky clothes that never revealed his form, but he was considerably strong. His hand wanted to hold yours, but you pulled away.

He looked over at the targets, seeing the bullet holes on the dummy. “It’s true. You truly do never miss.”

“That’s a lie.” You spat as you throw your kimono jacket back on. “Use to. Now I’m like a shaky camera.”

“You always doubt yourself, girl.” He grabbed your shoulders and turned you to the target. “My men could never do what you do. Your remarkable young women, truly.”

You shrugged his hands off and began walking towards the exit. “Thanks, I guess.”

“Wait, y/n,” He follows after you. Resiting an eyeroll, you spin on your heel and raise your eyebrows at him. You predicted that he was going to mention something about your appearance or the “wedding”.

“I have to leave the island this weekend for a small business trip. I was wondering if you would want to accompany me.” He offered. “It’s just for the weekend. I know you wanted to get some clothing, which I’m sure I could arrange for.”

“I thought you didn’t want me leaving this island.’ You replied, tying a belt around your jacket.

“You’re getting depressed. I thought you would enjoy a change of pace. But if not, that’s understandable.” Safin lamented as he walked past you. He had truly been looking forward to it. At that point, he had felt like giving up. There was no change y/n was going to fall in love with him, no matter what he did.

“Wait,” You reply, walking behind him. Gently tapping his shoulder, he turned to look into your [y/e/c] orbs. “I...would like to go with you.”

“You...would.”

“I mean, you offered it…” You awkwardly chuckled. If it was an escape off of the dreaded island, you would take it.

A smile appeared on his face as he grabs your hands, putting them to his chest. You looked surprised as your cheeks burn as you feel woozy looking into his milky orbs.

“I’m glad to hear it. We’ll leave first thing tomorrow morning,” Safin said as he lead you out of the shooting range and back to your chambers. He never let go of your hand and held it like you were a couple. In his eyes you were, in yours, you weren’t. But lately the thought had been haunting you. Safin didn’t seem he wanted to hurt you or keep you as a sex slave. As much as he knew about you, you knew little to nothing about him. He made sure you felt comfortable, even introducing you to his closest allies. If you had an issue, Safin was always on top of it. He had threatened to kill your friends and family if you didn’t love him back which still haunted you. But if you were to live your final days out, would it be the worse thing in the world. It wouldn’t be ideal, but it was better than being dead. “Shall I have the maids pack for you?”

“No, I’m fine. I can pack myself,” You nodded, a subtle smile your face. There wasn’t much for you to pack. You really wanted him to let go of your hand, but he still held on. His face looked like a boy with a schoolgirl crush (taken to the next level). “Thank you though.”

After he let go of your hand it moves up to the top of your head and gently pats it. “You’re ever so humble, my sweet.”

Seeing him walk off, you gently shut the door and look into the mirror. Your [y/s/c] skin is becoming grey, clothes careless, and overall look like you just came back from the dead. You were going on a weekend trip with an anarchist who created a romance in his head.

What the hell had gotten yourself into?

------

Like Safin had promised, the two of you left the next morning. None of his men, even Serrano, had come with him. You had no idea that you would be taking a luxurious sailing yacht to the mainland. Coming up from the cabin, you see Safin looking over the bright blue water and cloudless sky. Walking right beside him, he didn’t even bat an eye to your presence. Instead of his traditional kimono and lab outfit, he donned highwasted tan slacks, a long-sleeved navy button-down, sunglasses, and deck mules.

“What island are we going to?” You asked with your hands behind your back.

Safin didn’t look over at you. He was too distracted in his thoughts. Here he was, an infamous anarchist, worried about impressing a girl he’s keeping prisoner. Under his breath, he muttered, “None of your concern.”

“So you think I’m going to leave you?” You smirk, crossing your arms.

Safin couldn’t make eye contact with you. He wants to say something, but he can’t. Nobody ever talked back to him, except her. His fear was being alone and abandoned all over again. “Yes, you’re a smart girl. Remember your…”

As he turned to say something to y/n, she was already gone with her perfume leaving a lingering scent.

“Place...” He finishes. He’s not speaking to anyone but the air. They hadn’t even arrived at the villa and it seemed like the trip was going to be disastrous. Safin had to think of a plan.

-----

Your boredom was beginning to grow. You arrived at the villa in the early afternoon. It was far from any form of civilization, located in the middle of a hillside. It was luxurious and modern but still kept the Ancient Greek feel. Even if you didn’t know the islands, you were confident that you were in or near the Medterrian. Safin had given you a tour of the villa, showing you the pool and private beach. He had business to deal with and promised to be back by sunset. Patting your head, he was off into town with every door locked but the backyard.

Returning from a brief swim, you notice the sun is beginning to set. It leaves the sky orange and lavender, creating a beautiful hue. Drying your hair against a towel, you’d noticed Safin had been acting rather odd. He seemed more distant and even anxious about being around you. Like a young boy trying to pronounce his love for his crush. Except that you were Safin’s fiance and he was holding you against your will. You didn’t care about the expensive gifts that he used to win you over. Over the years, you refused to focus on anyone but yourself. But if you were to be in a relationship, all you wanted was true and raw love. To be adored and truly cared about. You saw that Safin loved you, but what was his true purpose of keeping you there? Out of all of the women, he could have had, he chooses you; a cyrptographer. Your not Bond or a double oh and would never be near that category. Safin had given you attention that no partner in your life could have ever given to you. But he threatened you and kept you in a Submarine pen as his forced bride.

No. You couldn’t love a monster. Marrying him didn’t mean you loved him.

It was for Bond, Nomi, Q, [y/m/n], [y/s/n], all of the people you had let die because of a catostrophic mistake.

Walking into your pristine bedroom, you notice an item on the bed you hadn’t seen before. It was a dress and a white note with rose petals spread on the bed. You roll your eyes, sighing at Safin’s dramatic attempt at romance. This man knew that you weren’t going to sleep him with anytime soon. Picking up the note it read,

“Follow the candles

Down the beach

A gift for you and only you

See you at seven my dear y/n,

Safin”

Oh god! He had left a heart by your name. It was cheesy and cringey. His attempts at romance were a hit or miss. Looking at the dress on the bed it looked like it cost more than your life. It was a navy blue satin dress that was lowcut and backless. It was long and had a confident slip. The dress reminded you of what the female double oh’s would wear out on missions. Classy and quite sexy. The most revealing outfit you had worn to work as a skirt an inch above your knee with tights. Both of your legs always stay covered since you found them embarrassing, but they would somewhat exposed tonight. Then again, Safin’s face was horribly disfigured. He thought you were one of the most beautiful women he had laid eyes on (which you found hard to believe).

Putting on the dress, you head towards the bathroom to do your hair and look somewhat presentable. You had been dressing like a man for the past month and needed something refreshing. A few minutes later you had pieced together a simple, yet elegant look. You left your hair loose and applied a bit of mascara and eyeliner. To match with the navy blue dress, you applied a daring red lipstick. Instead of looking like a young boy, you appeared more of a nervous teenage girl preparing for a dance. The dangling pearl earrings you wore matched with the ring necklace Safin had gifted you. You had a strong belief he had chosen this outfit for you. Of course Safin would do something like that for you.

After you finished getting ready, you leave behind the villa and notice a trail of white candles leading you down to the beach. The beach is dark, but the candles guide you to the only visible light. You saw Safin as he paced around a candlelit table. He wore a short-sleeved olive button up and black dress pants.

Hearing the clicks of your sandals, Safin turned around to lay his eyes on y/n. All of his worries had suddenly gone away, breath taken by her sheer appearance. She was already beautiful in his eyes, but there was something that was different about her specifically tonight. The dress complimented her fit body well, showing a sliver of her thigh and cleavage. Your lips were a nice shade of red as it gave a pop of color to your outfit.

Safin snapped out of his thoughts and pulled himself together. He walked up to y/n to get a closer look and greet her. “Good evening Y/n,” Safin greeted. He grabbed her hand, leaving a kiss mark on her soft skin. “You look lovely, as always.”

“Thank you, Safin,” Y/n thanked, her voice low. She had never experienced such a romantic gesture before. “You look..nice.”

Nice. Nice. Nice.

Those words rung through his head. He nearly froze and almost mentally broke down. Y/n had complimented him. Not a sassy remark, but admired his appearance. Not once in his previous relationship did his ex-lover compliment the way he looked. He thought his face was too repellent to be complimented, let alone loved. But here was his fiance, shining like a bright star, boosting his ego.

Safin smiled in response, leading the cartographer to her chair and pushing her in. His hand tenderly finessed your bare shoulder. “Says the woman speaking.”

The two of you sat at the candlelit table on the beach. A waiter came over and poured the two of a class of red wine.

“So I’m assuming you weren’t doing business..” You remarked, taking a sip of the wine. It had been months since you’d had been drunk, which had let Q forcing you to enroll in therapy once again.

“I was. I’m bringing military smuggled weapons for the recruits. You are allowed to experiment with them if you please,” Safin said, “But I had planned this for the two of us. I wanted to give you the best since you deserve the best.”

You wouldn’t lie, the dinner was quite nice and romantic. What girl didn’t dream of being spoiled on the beach? Did Safin spoil you to slide away from the fact that you were his prisoner? It didn’t make any sense.

You huffed, looking down as you spun the wine in your glass around. “Why did you even bring me out here in the first place? To have your way with me?”

The anarchist furrowed an eyebrow, “Force me upon you? Y/n, I’m not as brutish as you believe me to be. I brought you here because I saw you...become dispirited. I know my island can void of all life. It pained me to see you in such a pained state. I thought a break from isolation and so called “retail therapy” would raise your spirits.”

“I wanted to bring you here since it was more intimate than the Submarine pen. I want you to feel...comfortable around me. You can deny as much as you want, but I know I unnerve you with my appearance.”

“The hell?” You puzzled, a little confused. There was no denying his scars were obvious. Seeing his arms and neck, they decorated his whole body. Upon first seeing them, you were taken aback. Nobody had ever seen his face except for you and his men. Was he truly insecure?

Safin looked into your sighs and sighed, “What I’m saying is that I know I make you uncomfortable. Here you are, a gorgeous young woman. What am I? A misshapen and hideous animal. If that’s the reason wh-”

“Ok, back it up,” You interrupted. “I never said those things about your appearance. Your face doesn’t bother me at all…”

“What do you mean?” Safin perplexed. His ex-lover hated his appearance and was afraid if they convevinced then the child would be just like this.

“Your face is fine the way it is. When I look you…” You’re at a loss for words, but gather yourself. “I see a..man. Not an animal, a man. Here..”

Getting up, you walk over to Safin and pull the slit of your scandalous slit to reveal your prosthetic. You had forgotten the skin slip, so it was more exposed than usual. Hating your leg, you always wore pants and socks to conceal a memory you wanted to lock away. Most of your leg had been spared except for everything below your knee.

Safin’s green eyes looked at your prosthetic, surprised. Your record never mentioned a prosthetic, nor did you. He knew about your time in the military but never knew why you had left for a desk job. “Your leg...I’m sorry. I never knew.” He apologized.

You shrugged before returning to your seat. “It’s not the worst. I could had lost my ability to walk, but I didn’t. I choose not to tell people. I rather have lost a limb than die.”

“If you mind me asking, Did you loose in it the battle?’

You nodded. “I was twenty-three, so around six years ago. Me and my team were on a sting operation in Iraq. It turned out to be a damn trap. Most of us had been caught off guard. A suicide bomber ran up to our captain and...everything went dark. I was stuck under the rubble for three days, I couldn’t feel anything below my waist. The only person who survived on my team was me and another man.”

“It was too traumatizing. I refused to be on the field. They discharged me and let me and my family with medical bills and a broken girl. After therapy, I went to study in Edinburgh and try to live somewhat of a normal life. I majored in Language and My don informed me about an opening proposition in London for M16. They needed a cyrtoprgapher, someone who could speak the military language. I knew a tad bit of coding, so I packed everything, and well, the rest is history. Now I’m here.” You casually explained. Over the years, losing your leg had become numb to you. You hated showing your emotions in front of other.

“You never told me. I’m sorry, I truly never knew about your leg.” He sounded sympathetic, not condescending. The only person at M16 that knew about your leg was Q, your closest friend.

Your shoulders loose there tension as your expression softens. Did Safin...truly not know about your leg. “It’s not a big deal…” There was a silence between you, before you reverted back to your typical self. “I thought you knew everything about me.”

“I want to know everything about you, y/n.” Safin responded. His hand laid on the side of the table, itching to lay on top of yours. “When I first saw you, I was intrigued. You don’t see a woman of your stature, jumping rooftops with a gun bigger than your whole body.”

“You know everything about me. My flat address, military background, fuck...even my clothing size. But enough about me..” You looked at Safin, staring into his eyes. “Tell me about yourself.”

“I would bore you with it.” He refused. “I’m sure the last thing you want to hear is me talk about myself.”

“If I’m going to be stuck with you forever, then I expect to know a little about my....fiance.” You said. You held back the vomit that was coming up from your throat. All you spoke was the truth. Safin was truly a man of mystery. His scars, lair, past, everything truly intrigued you.

“I suppose it’s only fair, my betrothed.” He smirks as he grabbed your hand giving it a small sqeeuze Flirting was definitely not your strong suit (nor was acting). Holding back a fight, you reluctantly agree. Everything came at a price.

“I was born in Egypt and brought over a ship to Switzerland. I never had any parents, or family. Me and some other young men were the test subjects of Hans Heinrich …”

“ Dr.Heinrich? The Nazi human experimenter?” You asked. Heinrich had embedded his name in the world of espionage. After World War Two ended, he had fled to Switzerland to continue his sick experiments. His men smuggled young children that weren’t part of the Aryan race and perfomed all kinds of experiments on their bodies for “science” and other horrifying facts.

Safin nodded in response, squeezing your hand for comfort. “Unfournealty. He believed in genetic cloning, wanting to carry on the Aryan race. He smuggled young children from all over the world. As long as they weren’t white, they qualified to be tested upon. He burned, amputated, drugged, posioned whoever he had to for science. Many of the test subjects had died. It was like a concentration camp. I was a scrawny, young boy who couldn’t even squeeze a lemon. I was weak and naive. I was Heinrich’s favorite lab rat. Whenever I didn’t comply with his orders, he would burn me. The injections he put in my skin irritated and scared them. All I wanted was death’s sweet release.”

“So When I turned twenty, I killed him and set the place ablaze. I escaped into the Swiss Alps and learned to survive on my own. Before I joined Spectre, I took on the job as an assassin for personal gain. I had met Blofield and he supplied me well for four decades. After I left Spectre, I returned to Switzerland to find that Heinrich’s work was still alive. I thought he had been crazy and just a sadist, but he...had cloned me. The reason I didn’t die and my skin wrinkled as a teenager was because I was rapidly aging. The blood he had kept of some of the lab rats was still somehow useable. On my island, we experimented and had made our first clones. The maids, the recruits, they’re all clones of Heinrich’s lab rats. When I die..my body and skills will forever live on. I appear as If I’m in my thirties, but...I’m in my sixties.”

You raised your eyebrows, intrigued with the story. It was definitely not what you had been expecting. Safin was so unpredictable, so he could have had any backstory. You couldn’t believe Safin was abused as a child, permenatly scaring him and drove him to kill his abuser. As much as he hated his abuser, he proceeded to carry on his genetic cloning work.

“Are you a Nazi?” You asked.

He shook his head. “No. But Heinrich’s work...it was full of possibilities. I wanted to turn an ugly creature into a beautiful butterfly. Genetic cloning is the future. When I eradicate the world of people such as Heinrich and clone people such as myself, the world be will tidy once again. We can live together, in harmony.” He brings your hand close to face, leaning into your palm to feel your satiny, floral smelling skin.

“Your tidying a world that has always been corrupt. No matter what, there will be corruption.” You implied.

Safin responded. “Y/n, you know so much, yet so little. That is why I saved you. You are a woman the world needs. Intelligent, strong, powerful, and beautiful. With you by my side, we can dominate the people who have wronged us. There is no going back now, my dear. We are far past the point of no return.”

Was Safin going to clone you? The man was insane. You tried to sympathize with him, but your head and heart screamed all red flags. Broken, all Safin ever wanted was to show the world that he could make them feel the pain he had felt as a child. Safin was an anarchist who wanted the world to be in his imagine, full of people such as yourself and him for a “perfect” future. All Safin would most likely get is a dystopian, war-torn globe. But he had taken down countless of organizations and govermtnets in post-soviet countries, especially the one you had worked for. Maybe he truly was one step away from world domination.

“It’s getting late. We should retire.” Safin announced. You snapped out of your thoughts and nodded, sliding your hand away from his. The Seabreeze was strong during the night. In your revealing slip dress, to say you were freezing was an understatement. While feeling confident, you were freezing your ass off. Safin had given you his coat, which you proceeded to take off.

You remember his whispered into your ear as his calloused, cold hands massaged your bare shoulders. “Don’t resist, my sweet y/n.”

When you arrived at your room, you sighed in relief to be back in your villa. It was warm, and you didn’t feel so exposed. The dinner was wonderful in many ways. Learning about Safin, your finance, plans for world domination through cloning was bone-chilling. Thousands of people to choose, and he chose you, the unlucky one.

But with the life he had given you, were you truly unlucky?

“Safin, dinner was wonderful. Thank you.” You thanked, a small smile on your face. Your expecting him to ask the dreaded question he knows you hate. But now that you were both alone, he wasn’t going to hold himself back.

He bows his head, before looking back up. “No, thank you. I have a simple request to ask of you. Will you kiss me?”

Raising your eyebrows, it takes you a second to process the request he has asked of you. You don’t respond since your in shock. He wasn’t afraid to grab your hand or play with your hair, but kiss you? That was a huge step.

“Just once, and I won’t ask again.” Safin said as you snapped out of your little daydream. “You looked so lovely tonight. I bet your [y/m/n] would think so as well…”

Your mother. You hadn’t through about her in a while, too distracted with Safin. The reason you didn’t want to think about her was that the poor woman was probably dying each day, worried about your safety. Knowing that you would never see her again depressed you. Safin was sadly your new life. If he didn’t get his way then you would have to suffer. You suffered for the sake of your family.

“I suppose if it only happens once.” You replied, looking down.

Safin hadn’t kissed a woman in years but knew how to properly woo a woman. He knew you were doing it for your mother and sister. But tonight you were irresistible in your dress. Seeing the ring necklace and red lipstick would make any man mad, he had someone so beautiful as you all to himself. Pushing your hair behind your ear, he grabbed your chin as your red lips met with his.

Safin was not a kisser you were expecting. Seeing him as a brute, you expected him to have his way. But instead, he was tender and even loving. He hadn’t grabbed you in any vulgar way. In the first few seconds, your mind told you to not enjoy the kiss. But you began to ignore your mind and listened to your heart. Safin was a cruel man but a toxic lover. He knew you as well as you knew yourself. To stabilize yourself, you wrapped an arm around his neck. In response, Safin’s hand snaked to your exposed lower back. His hands began to travel dangerously close to your bottom. The more his hands traveled down, the hungrier he got into the kiss. You backed up against a wall, feeling his surprisingly soft lips. A part of you enjoyed the kiss but remembered that Safin was a monster. You shouldn’t have been doing this. A small kiss was turning into a full-on make-out session.

As your hands traveled to your chest, Safin’s lips moved away from your lips as he held onto your hips. Small pieces of hair fell from his neatly gelled hair. His breathing pattern was heavier, right up against your body.

His eyes looked down at your frame, seeing your cheeks burn up. A smile curves onto his face as his hand caresses your cheek. You don’t feel yourself, like your in a sick dream. You lean into his hand, feeling exhausted.

“Oh y/n, y/n, my love..” He purred into your ear in his husky, accented voice. “I cannot wait for the day I see you in your wedding dress.”

His hand moves away from your face as he walks down the hallway to retire his chambers. Safin had disappeared into the night after your very intimate moment. That was the first time in years you had truly felt adrenaline rush through your body. But it wasn’t just adrenaline. It was a sick, twisted form of warmth. You felt like a young woman in love with a teacher. Your romance was forbidden. Safin was a monster who wanted to wipe the world and leave it in his name. He had turned your life upside down, forcing you to be his bride. Safin was a greedy and evil man, someone you would never be attracted to. A part of you hated him and wanted to do nothing more than watch him pay for his actions. You couldn’t believe that your thoughts you even come to this, but a small part of believed you were falling for Safin. A beauty falling for the evil beast.

#rami malek x reader #safin x reader #rami malek #safin #no time to die #james bond #my writing

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innaminitus · 5 years

Text

Desires #1

Pairing: Loki x reader

Summary: Vanaheim needs allies and since you are the eldest daughter of its king, you are a victim of arranged marriage with one of Odin’s sons - Loki.

Chapter warnings: language

Chapter word count: 2629

A/N: I know that this has been done like a bilion times but ~i don’t care~. Let me know if you want to be tagged, and yes, this will lead to smut.

You were sitting in a spaceship owned by your father, mad at the whole world, mad at this irrational fate that brought you to this moment.

It turned out your planet needed allies or something like that, and it was of course a perfect opportunity to wed you. An opportunity your parents were looking forward to, since you were quite a naughty and unruly child.

A husband is what she needs. He will tame her.

Your jaw hurt from clenching your teeth so hard and you could barely focus on the beauty of surrounding you space. You didn’t want to get married! Nor be pregnant, give birth, be mother, be obedient, pretty little thing without a mind of her own.

Captain let you know that you were about to jump and you tried to prepare yourself for that horrible part, keeping in mind where the bathroom was in case if you had to puke, as usually.

High pressure squeezed your guts and gave you a headache, but thankfully Asgard was close enough to Vanaheim to not make you nauseous. You looked outside and let yourself admire the planet before you put on your mask of annoyed child. Deep inside your heart you were glad that if you had to live somewhere far from home, it could be Asgard. You would cut your veins if you had to spend the rest of your life on Jotunheim or Svartalfheim. At least Asgard was beautiful.

Your ship lowered itself and docked on the colourful bridge… Bifrost, you remembered.

“Y/N, put on your crown.” You heard your mother, but suddenly was too panic-stricken to move. You were not ready to be a wife!

You had to get out of there. There was no way this marriage was going to happen.

“Mother” you started, your voice was steady and chin was slightly lifted. That’s right. You were strong and confident. Or at least one of both. “I am not going to marry anyone.”

She raised her eyebrow and grabbed her sides.

“Is that so?”

You nodded.

“I demand to go back to Vanaheim.”

She came closer and not so lightly patted your cheek.

“You will marry Odinson. And you will obey, Y/N. We are not going back home before you are still a virgin without a wedding ring.”

Deep, crimson red tinted your cheeks. You took a step back and put your steel crown studded with pyrite on. If you could not go back in this ship, you were going to use Bifrost.

You came over to the control station and pushed the button opening the entrance.

“Y/N, what are you doing?” Your mother sounded concerned, but tried not to let you know.

“Going home.”

“Y/N!”

But you were already leaving the spaceship, heels of your shoes were clacking on the surface of the bridge when you were stiffly walking in the direction of the golden dome.

What you didn’t think of, was the delegation of the members of royal family, who were waiting just in front of it to meet you.

Fuck.

You lifted your chin a little higher and fastened your pace.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Even though your lungs refused to work and your heart was pumping blood way faster than it was probably safe, you forced yourself to continue walking.

Odin himself, along with his wife, two sons and entourage was there to greet you.

You were so going to puke.

“Ah, princess Y/N, we did not expect you to come on your own-“ Odin started, but you were fast to interrupt him.

“Excuse me…” You sighed, walking past the royal family.

You were sure your heart stopped from stress. You left them behind you, someone choked on a laugh and someone else murmured something sounding like “those Vanaheimians”, but you ignored it and walked into the dome.

Without paying much attention to the inside, you walked straight to the man standing on the dais, holding a weird looking sword.

“Would you be kind enough to take me back to Vanaheim, sir?” You looked him in the eye. He had odd eyes, they looked older than he was, as if they’ve seen… everything.

A smile crawled on his face and you suddenly felt so small under his sight.

“Lady Y/N, what is the meaning of this?” You heard Odin’s voice behind you, and your confidence faded slightly.

You rubbed your hands together, feeling your magic trying to come out and save the day.

“Sir…” You looked at the man imploringly. “Please.”

He smiled again before leaning closer.

“I can send you back” he said in deep voice. “But if you’d go to Vanaheim, you’ll never achieve what you can here.” You swallowed hard, somewhere deep inside believing him. “You’re a fighter, princess. Not a milk cow. I’ve seen your whole life and I can assure you that if you decide to stay and marry this man, you will be appreciated and reckoned with. Your desires can only come true here, in Asgard.”

You bit your cheek from the inside and allowed yourself to breathe again. You didn’t know how or why, but you believed him. You didn’t want to, but you believed him.

“I promise you princess, that if you ever change your mind, I will personally take you back to Vanaheim.”

You noticed that no one dared to interrupt him when he was speaking to you, even though you felt their presence behind you. You tried to look everywhere but not in those golden eyes, but you couldn’t.

Eventually you nodded quickly.

“Fine.”

You couldn’t sleep that night. Your fiancée, Loki, was quite rugged and unfriendly and it seemed like everyone besides his mother was not that much fond of him. It was possible that the idea of marriage wasn’t uplifting for him as well and it made you feel a little better.

He was quite handsome, though, and you couldn’t deny that. You could get used to it.

His brother, Thor, was much kinder and you got along quickly. He offered to show you Asgard after your wedding and, once again interrupting Odin, who was saying something about it being Loki’s responsibility, you agreed with relief, thanking the gods that you wouldn’t have to spend more time with your husband-to-be, who only rolled his eyes at you.

You learned that the golden eyed man’s name was Heimdall and he was an all-seeing Asgardian, which explained why he claimed to have seen your whole life. You felt sympathy for him, though. You somehow knew he was trustworthy.

After rolling in your sheets for a few hours, you decided to get up and breathe some fresh air. Your bedroom was stuffy, so you walked on the balcony. Sweet scent of asgardian flowers hit your nostrils and you started to think that there was no place on this planet with fresh, cold air to soothe you.

“Can’t sleep?” You heard a voice somewhere near you and almost jumped when you saw Loki sitting on a sofa on your balcony.

“What are you doing here?” You hissed, crossing your arms to cover yourself, since you were wearing only thin nightgown.

“Reading” he said, lifting his book, so you could see it.

“And do you have to do it on my balcony? How did you even get here?”

He rolled his eyes on you just like he did during the supper. He pointed at the building.

“My room is next to yours, we share this balcony.”

You clenched your teeth. Of course.

You turned to face Asgard, stretching before you. It was beautiful, you couldn’t deny it. Dozens of little lights were showering the city in a glow, you could hear laughter and music somewhere far in the depths of the buildings. Nightlife was blooming and you let yourself wonder if you could ever feel truly happy there. If you could visit one of the restaurants that were open at night, drink good wine with good company and call this place your home.

With broken, but possible willing to be healed heart you turned away from the view and focused on Loki. You didn’t like to get nostalgic.

“What are you drinking?” You asked, but way quieter than you intended to.

He didn’t look at you from his book.

“Tea.”

“May I have some?”

He sighed and a teacup appeared on the table next to him.

“Help yourself.”

The fact that he didn’t even look at you hurt a little, but you reminded yourself that this man was in no place to make you feel bad. He was just supposed to be your husband, period.

You walked over and poured yourself a tea from the teakettle and sat down at one of the big armchairs with massive pillows. You almost sunk in them.

“Your homeland is very beautiful.” You tried to start the ball rolling and took a sip of hot liquid.

“Asgard is not my homeland, but thank you.” He once again didn’t look at you, but you noticed that his eyes stopped following the text.

“What do you mean?”

He sighed and turned a page, but still didn’t really read anything.

“I’m from Jotunheim.” You froze, but he continued. “And, before you ask any more questions, yes, I am a frost giant.”

A hand with a teacup begun to shake a little, so you quickly put it back on the table. A frost giant. You were to wed a fucking frost giant.

“Look at you, so shook over there.” He sighed, this time he was looking at you. His eyes were full of life, and a smirk on his face made your heart skip a beat. The air became colder and you didn’t know if it was his abilities or if the temperature really dropped. You could feel your nipples hardening, covered only with that damn nightgown. It didn’t escape his notice, his smirk deepened. “Don’t worry, I am not going to turn into a giant in bed.”

You quickly got up, letting your hair fall on your face to hide a deep blush blooming on your cheeks.

“I’m going to sleep.” You stuttered out and almost run to your bedroom, hunted by his laughter.

The next day you were fitting asgardian wedding dresses, which were much richer than the ones Vanaheimian brides wore. While in your country they were mostly in colours of earth; green, yellow and brown, here they were sawed with golden threads, studded with expensive gems. You could get used to such clothing.

The wedding was organised very quickly because of sudden need, so the ceremony was to take place in the evening.

You were better not thinking about your future husband. He was cold, cruel and a frost giant. You kept wondering what sins brought you to this moment.

You weren’t only stressed because of the personality of Loki, but also because you never really… Did anything with a man. You’ve kissed once or twice, but were never in love, let alone laid with anyone. The idea of it made you shiver, you’ve heard enough about it from your friends and sisters, about how much it hurt and how the first time was awful. If you had to go through it, you hoped it would be at least with someone you loved. Arranged marriage was not supposed to be your love story.

Whether you liked it or not, you had to choose a dress, so you picked a golden one with embroidered glistening flowers and studded with small rhinestones. Your back was nearly whole exposed and shallow neckline was enough to show expensive necklace you got from your father. The crown they gave you looked as if they dipped a daisy flower crown in pink gold.

You looked like a cake. Or a feast. Or one of the dolls your younger sister played with. The point is, you looked nothing like you imagined you’d want to look on your wedding day. This was yet another bitterness. Everything was awful and all you wanted to do was to hide in your bed and choke on a pillow.

“Princess Y/N” one of your new ladies said, standing behind you so could see her in the mirror. You didn’t bother to remember her name. “It’s time.”

You took a deep breath and tried to remember what Heimdall told you.

You will be appreciated and reckoned with. Your desires can only come true here, in Asgard.

You held on that promise, for it was the only thing making you move right now. You forced yourself to walk through the halls of the palace, take step after step.

You will be appreciated and reckoned with.

You never were on Vanaheim. You were treated like a broodmare, created for a sole purpose of bearing a child, preferably a boy, to look pretty and do nothing besides embroidery and being pregnant.

Your desires can only come true here, in Asgard.

You could hear the music already, but didn’t stop. You couldn’t stop now.

You reached the massive door leading to the throne room. Your father was waiting there for you. He offered you a hand to, as the custom dictates, lead you down the aisle.

You didn’t even look at him.

“I am no longer your property, father” you spat out. “I shall go alone.”

“You turd, you will not-“ He raised his hand to hit you like he always did when you were rude, but this time it didn’t reach your face. You blocked him with your magic, burning his hand badly when it hit the shield you created.

“I cannot let you ruin my makeup, father. It is my wedding day, after all.” You forced yourself to look at him, still squirming and holding his burnt hand. “After the ceremony you will go back to Vanaheim. If you stay, I shall command you to be removed from the palace. I recommend you not to test my patience.”

The door opened and you put on your best smile. The throne room was as big as you remembered from when you were a child, but this time it was filled with flowers and guests, and at the end of it stood Odin along with your fiancée. You felt dizzy and although the musicians were still playing and people were whispering, you didn’t hear anything besides your heart pumping blood.

One step after another you were closer to the moment that could be just as easily the worst as the best decision you could make.

When you reached your destiny you could barely breathe.

“Asgardians! The time has come that my youngest son stands before us all on his wedding day!” Odin shouted and the guests cheered. “We gathered here today to witness these two souls being bound by marriage.”

He was talking for what seemed like four days, but you didn’t hear him. You were focused on trying to keep your hand from sweating in Loki’s grip.

Suddenly everything silenced and from Odin’s burning sight you figured it was time for your vow and that Loki was already facing you. You swallowed and turned to him as well, and took one ring from the pillow held by Odin.

“With this ring I bind myself to you,” you said in tandem. “My fate is yours. My sword will fight for you and my magic shall be always in your favour. My soul is yours, your life is mine.”

A wedding ring on your finger felt as if it weighed ten pounds when Loki leaned and placed his surprisingly warm lips on yours for a second.

“You are now husband and wife.”

The crowd cheered with a force of a thunderstorm, making you shut your eyes and wrinkle your nose. You heard an annoyed sight next to you.

What have you gotten yourself into?

Tag list:

@lokislilslut

@princerowanwhitethorngalathynius

@darkprincessloki92

#loki x reader #loki x reader smut #loki imagine #loki smut #loki x you #loki #Loki Laufeyson #marvel #marvel imagine #tom hiddleston #avengers imagine

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yourdreamscenarios · 5 years

Text

When you become his wedding planner I part 1

∙ Not request ♡ ∙ Word count: 4,893

As quickly as you could you shut down the engine of your car and unfastened your seatbelt. You were late, your previous appointment had taken so much of your time and the couple had been so annoying that you had barely made it here on time. Ten minutes late, you hoped that the soon to be married couple could forgive you for that, though you had met people who had gotten angry at you for much smaller things. Being a wedding planner wasn’t the easiest job in the world. You were always busy, constantly had to listen to people who wanted enormous things which were almost impossible for you to arrange and who wanted extraordinary weddings. Sometimes you worked very long hours, trying to make a wedding as perfect as you wanted it to be. Your work never stopped when you got home after your meetings, you had phone calls to make, people to see, shops to visit. It was very tiring, which was probably the reason why you had decided that this was going to be your last event before you would take some time off.

You had deserved it after years of long work and caring about other people. Right now it was time for you to think about yourself and to take some 'me time'. The Byun couple was the last one on your list for today. You had gotten a call from the bride two weeks ago and she had asked you for your help, since her fiancee wasn’t helpful at all. Something about this whole situation shouted that there was something more going on, something you didn’t know anything about. But you were here to organize a wedding, not to interfere with the personal stuff these people had going on. If you also had to play their therapist then you weren’t sure if you would be able to handle this job for much longer. There was already that much pressure and responsibility that you had to take care of that the last thing you wanted was to get a personal detachment with the clients you worked with.

No, whatever the problem of the groom was, they had to fix it themselves, because you weren’t up for the drama. There wasn’t much you had to know today, just if they had any thoughts for the venues, the meals, what their budget was. Just a few details you needed in order to get this all started so that you could start planning their big day. After collecting all your stuff on the passenger seat you stepped out of the car and closed the door behind yourself with a loud thud. Rain was pouring down on top of your head and you let out a deep sigh as you thought about how horrible the weather was for this time of the year. Next week you would have a couple that would get married, the Chwe’s, and they had wanted everything to be perfect for their beautiful beach wedding. You had worked your butt off to get everything in place before the deadline, but if things would continue to be like this then their wedding would fall into the water, literally.

There was no way you would still be able to arrange something else for them in such a short amount of time. Then everything you had done would have been for nothing, and you would be deeply disappointed. Hopefully you could convince these people that it was the smartest move to have their wedding party inside. Your heels ticked softly onto the tiles as you made your way over towards a big gate, just one look at their home and you could tell that you were going to have a big budget to work with during this project. This house was huge and you were mentally preparing yourself for a wedding with many guests and a big party. The nicest thing was that most of the times you got invited, so that you could see what your hard work had put off. It was great publicity which made that you always got new clients and that you were never bored.

With one finger you pressed on the bel, waiting for someone to acknowledge your presence and to let you inside. If you had to wait in this weather for much longer than your mood would drop very quickly. “Who is it?” The words ringed through the small speaker that was placed against the wall and you were very aware of the fact that they were probably able to see you through a small camera that was placed somewhere close to you. You straightened your back and clung your papers closely to your chest as you spoke. “It’s _____________, the wedding planner.” You had repeated these words for so many times already that you probably introduced yourself to strangers in your sleep. No one ever believed that you were a professional wedding planner with her own business, because you were so young. The thing was that you had rolled into this as soon as you had graduated high school, as a kid you had always known what you had wanted to be, and your dream had come true. Even though it was a stressful job, you would never want to do anything else in your entire life but this.

“Oh, please come in!” Her voice sounded so cheerful that it hurt your ears and you tried your hardest not to pull a face at the sharp edge of her voice as the gates slowly started to open. You glanced around yourself when you walked over the small path that was marked in between a few bushes, everything look fancy and expensive. The only thing you could hope for was that you didn’t have to work with some spoiled brad who thought she knew everything better, because then the collaboration wouldn’t last for long. You had clients enough who were waiting for your help, you weren’t going to waste your time or patience by giving it to someone who didn’t really want it. Before you had reached the front door it opened and a brunette with soft and bouncy curls that fell over her shoulders appeared in your view. The first thing you saw was that she was pretty, in the magical type of way, she looked like little fairy. Her big eyes blinked a few times as she flashed you a smile, which was as well friendly as well strong. She seemed like a person with a strong will, but who was also able to listen to your advice, so you were sure that this would go well.

“Hi, I’m Kayla. It’s so nice to see you.” She said as she extended her hand and you offered her your own, feeling her tight grip around your fingers. You had no idea why but you had the feeling there was a very strong personality underneath this flawless face, someone who didn’t let anyone mess with her. She was the kind of person who had always been popular in high school, who had always gotten all the attention from the boys but never wanted it. Her fiancee was probably some guy who owned a big business and who was too busy to care much about this whole wedding. He had more important things to do than worrying about flowers and dresses, so she had to do it herself. The mother would probably also have a say in all of this, she would probably be the hardest one to work with.

The father would give away his credit card, and let the money flow, as long as the wedding would make the papers and would catch enough attention then it was all good to him. That was the information you got from her as you looked at her, the beautiful and stunning brown haired girl in front of you. “It’s great to meet you, I’m sorry I’m a little bit late. My last appointment lasted a little longer than I expected it to.” You muttered, hearing your voice echoing through the large hallway as she closed the door behind you and locked out the rain and the wind. She turned around to face you with a smile before she guided you through some doors and rooms, which were all decorated in a very modern and expensive way. This was probably one of the biggest places you had ever been, you had to try your hardest in order not to stare.

“Oh, that okay! Don’t worry about it. I’ll introduce you to my fiancee first, he just got home from work a few minutes ago. He’s a little bit grumpy most of the time, he’s not really looking forward to this wedding I suppose, so I apologize for his behavior.” She said and glanced your way in order to see your facial expression to what she had just told you. You nodded, trying to keep your face as neutral as possible, but inside of you head there were all different kind of thoughts wandering around. Why would a guy be so dreadful towards his own wedding if he asked the girl to marry him himself? Unless, he didn’t ask her anything at all. The pieces of the puzzle began to fall onto their place as you walked into a large living room which looked as if it was never used. It was clear that these people weren’t home that often and that they didn’t seem to think that spending some family time in front of the TV was that important. God, what had you gotten yourself into?

There was a man sitting behind a desk, a nice blazer hung over the back of his chair as he typed away on his computer. From the way he continued to stare at his screen as you came in it seemed as if he hadn’t heard you, or that he didn’t want to look around. “Sweetie, the wedding planner is here. Can you quit working for a second and come to say hello.” Kayla said with a voice sweet as honey, but his shoulders tensed as soon as she spoke to him. It was important for you to know as much as possible about both of the people who you were working with so that the wedding could be a great festivity for as well the groom as the bride. But something was telling you that he wasn’t going to be into telling you much. He heaved a big sigh and something about the sound of that seemed so familiar that you had to fight the urge to frown. You cleared your throat in the hope that your appearance would be able to light up the mood a little bit in between the two of them.

“Hi sir, I’m ______________, I’ll be organizing your wedding for the next two weeks. I hope that we’ll have a great collaboration and that we can turn this wedding into something nice.” You proposed and you could see how the girl started gleaming next to you by the thought of her wedding. But as soon as you started speaking the guy in front of you stiffened even more, and you were afraid that you had said something wrong. In one fast movement he jumped up from his chair and he twisted around, his eyes round and big as they connected with yours and you were finally able to see his face. Pure shock must have traveled over your face and out of panic your hands let go of the documents inside of them and all the papers smashed towards the spotless floor. How was that possible? He had disappeared out of your life years ago, you had let him go that night, when you had walked away.

The man in front of you seemed just as surprised to see you standing in front of him, in his own house, as you were, but he was able to hide it a little better than you when he eyed the girl who was looking at you from a small distance. She noticed that something was off, that you two knew each other, but she had no idea where from. So he hadn’t told her about you, that was good, otherwise this would have caused a lot of problems. “Shit, I’m sorry.” You blurred out, you head becoming as red as a tomato because you had just let your professionally slip in front of them and quickly crouched down towards the floor so that you could clean up the mess you had made. “Why don’t I go get you two something to drink.” Kayla said instead of offering to help you pick up your things and the friendliness you had felt towards her when you had first entered the house was gone in the blink of an eye. She walked out of the room and you tried your hardest to give the ground all the attention that you could give it so that you didn’t have to look at him.

But that effort was wasted as Baekhyun crouched down on the floor in front of you and began to help you plucking the papers off of the tiles. You hadn’t even thought of this being a possibility, while the name Byun on your papers should have been able to let an alarm go off inside of your head. Not once had you thought that he would be the groom you would have to be dealing with during the next few weeks, the one who would be marrying this wonderful and rich girl. When you both reached out towards the same copy at the same time and your hand brushed against his fingers your eyes flashed up to meet his and you could see that he was already staring at you. Did he notice how startled you were? He opened his mouth to say something to you, but closed it again before handing you the last paper and standing upright again.

Your heart was beating like crazy inside of your chest as you tried to do the same, but it seemed as if you were frozen in that position. It was like every muscle inside of your body was fighting against the will of being here and you just had to make sure you got out of here as soon as you possibly could. “Are you okay?” His voice was soft as he spoke, almost as if he was scared that someone would hear it that the two of you were having a conversation with each other in his own house. A shivering gasp escaped from your lips as you pushed yourself up, almost making you loose your balance on your high heels. A hand enclosed itself around your elbow and electricity ran up your skin, danced inside of your veins, by his touch. All of a sudden your numbness seemed to disappear as you locked your gaze with his and he didn’t look away like you expected him to. Instead he stared right back at you, as if he had forgotten that his fiancee was right in the room next to you.

“You’re getting married?!” You hissed in disbelieve, and you could see his face pull together in confusion as he tilted his head to the side. You thought that move was still as adorable as it had always been, the only difference was that you weren’t allowed to think of it like that anymore, because he wasn’t yours, not anymore. “Do I need your permission for that? Do I need to remind you that you were the one who left, and not me?” He spoke just as roughly as you did and you quickly shook your head to let him know that he didn’t have to remind you of that at all. You knew exactly what you had done and how you had done it, you could remember every single detail of it. It was still haunting you and you had tried your hardest to run away from it, until today, now that your past had hit you straight into the gut and was standing right in front of your face. “No, no you don’t. It’s none of my business.” You muttered and nervously brushed your hand through your hair before gathering yourself up again and walking out of the room.

When you arrived in a big open space Kayla was already sitting at one of the chairs. All the kindness that you had heard and seen in her had disappeared in a flash and when she pointed her eyes on you, you could feel an icy coldness settle itself inside of your bones. “I see that you know my fiancee miss _____________.” She plastered a fake smile on her face as you ignored her statement and settled on the chair across of her and spread your papers out on the table. His footsteps could be heard right behind you and you tried your hardest not to glance at him as he sat down at the edge of the table, instead of near his soon to be wife. While grabbing a pen you made a professional smile appear on your lips and lifted your eyes to hers. “Yes, we went to high school together.” You explained, hoping that was enough for her, not that you were planning on giving her any more information than that.

Quickly you got to the real work and you wrote down their names on your files. Your eyes fell on the ring around her finger and the big diamond that shone on top of it. It didn’t look like something he would have picked out, you knew that Baekhyun liked the simplify in things, that he knew how to adore small things. There had been a time that you had been wearing a ring around your own finger, many years ago and right know you couldn’t believe that you had been so stupid at that time and you had ruined it all. “Do you have a dress?” You asked, realizing how you wished she did, so that you didn’t have to go dress shopping with her in the near future. If you would have to come here too often then you weren’t sure if you would be able to do this. She hummed while nodding her head and relief rushed through you as you wrote something down.

“Any ideas for the venue?” The questions came out automatically, since you had been through this procedure so many times before that you knew exactly what to ask. But your mind wasn’t with it as she answered and while you listened to her going on and on about this wonderful castle she had found with a pond and a large garden you realized something. You couldn’t do this. There was no way you would be able to organize the wedding of the man you loved, of the man who had once meant to be your husband and to see him live happily ever after while you were left behind by yourself. You knew that the break up had been your fault, because you hadn’t been able to handle all the obstacles that had been in your way. If you hadn’t run that day, then maybe you wouldn’t have been sitting here right now. In the middle of her words you put down your pen and shoved your chair back, hearing how she died out slowly before becoming silent.

“I’m very sorry Kayla, but I’m afraid that this isn’t going to work. It’s best for all of us if you find another wedding planner to help you organize your wedding.” Embarrassment came over you as you said this, because this was the very first time you had ever given up on a job before. But this was too hard, you weren’t going to sit here and feel your heart break all over again while you could do something about it. Of course you knew that this wasn’t the best way to fix it, that you were doing the same thing you had done years ago, which was running away. But you had no idea what else to do. Kayla gave you a shocked look as she watched how you packed your things and then without saying anything you turned around and rushed back towards the door. “_____________!” Baekhyun screamed after you, just like he had done that evening, when he had begged you to stay.

Though just like the last time you didn’t stop, you couldn’t bare to look at him. You could still remember the hurtful look on his face when you had pulled off your engagement ring and had given his father exactly what he had always wanted. You had never wanted things to end like that, you loved him, he was the only man you had honestly cared for. As soon as you slammed the front door close behind you the rain poured down on your face again and you were able to hide the tears that were streaming down your cheeks, the only difference was that they felt warm. You felt like a disappointment, as if you were always letting everyone down around you, especially Baekhyun. No, he was right, you had no saying in the fact if he got married or not, but you didn’t want to confronted with it. Suddenly the rain stopped dripping on your hair and you spun around in surprise to see who had magically made an umbrella appear above of your head.

Baekhyun shot you an unsure look and you weren't convinced if you were able to look at it much longer. You didn’t want to hurt him again, not after everything you had already been through. “I’m really happy for you and I hope that you’ll have an amazing wedding, but I can’t be the one to organize it. I hope you understand that.” You muttered as an apology and suddenly you felt as if you were in high school all over again. The two of you had only been kids when you had fallen in love, but you had never felt anything like that before and you had been sure that he had been your forever. Your feelings for him had been so powerful, so real, and you were sure that he had loved you just as much. But Baekhyun’s family and this girl’s family were one and the same. He came from a rich father, who wanted nothing but the best for his son, and you clearly hadn’t been what he had had in mind.

He had tried everything to get rid of you, until the time it had worked and you had finally bend. You had left behind everything you had held dearly, together with the man you had never been able to forget. The thought that he had moved on with his life and had learned how to love someone else while you were still trying to get over it made you feel so small. When you saw him standing in front of you like this then you could still feel everything you had felt for him years back, it overwhelmed you. “I thought that you would be able to guess that she isn’t my type.” He raised his voice to reach over the sound of the water hitting on top of the plastic roof above of your heads and your eyes scanned over his face as he said that. He looked tortured as he lifted his free hand and ran it through his hair, something he had always done when he had been upset or nervous, seemed like he still had that old habit. “If you asked her to marry you then you must love her Baekhyun, otherwise why would you give her your last name?” You asked, seeing how he shook his head before staring over his shoulder to see if Kayla hadn’t followed him and wasn’t able to overhear your conversation.

It was just like he said though, she didn’t seem right for him, she didn’t seem to make him happy and he deserved that much. If you couldn’t be the one to make him happy then someone else had to, but right now he just looked sad. Your heart was bleeding for him and at this moment the weather was crying with you. “My father wanted me to marry her. Her dad owns one of the biggest airway companies in the country. He thought it would be a good way to use me, so that I could finally gain something for the family and make my own sacrifice.” His lips curled up into a pained grin, one that even made your heart clench in a hurtful way. No, this was nothing like him. When you had known him he had always done everything to go against the way his father had tried to control him. He was different from the rest of his family, he didn’t care about money and power, he was just a good guy.

“Since when do you care about what your father tells you?” You felt disappointed in him because he hadn’t been able to stay loyal to himself, that he had broken in the same way that you had. You had always thought that he was the strongest one of you two, but maybe you had been wrong. Fire blazed in his eyes as he drilled his eyes into yours and for a moment you felt as if you weren’t able to breath. “Since the girl I wanted to marry ran away form me.” His words had the same effect as lightning that flashed through the sky and it was almost as if you could feel your heart scattering into thousands of small little pieces. This wasn’t what you had wanted, but you had also never wanted to be the one standing in between him and his family. “I never meant to hurt you Baekhyun. I was just as devastated that night as you were, but your dad…” Instead of letting you finish what you had started he spoke right through you, because he already knew what you were about to say. “My dad shouldn’t have effected our decision! If you had loved me enough then you would have stayed.” He said and you tried to focus on the sound of your own breathing as the tears collected in corners of your eyes.

You wished that you could tell him how sorry you were, but no words seemed to be covering it. “I always loved you, Baekhyun. I just wish that I hadn't been such a coward. I guess it’s my punishment to see you get married so someone else. You have no idea how painful that is.” You muttered, feeling the first tear roll down your cheek, by now you weren’t able to hide it anymore. The thought that he would be laying next to her every night, that he would wake up beside her, that he would tell her she was beautiful, that he loved her, even if it was just a lie, made you feel dead inside. There had been many times before that you wished that you could turn back time and undo the stupid decision you had made, but you couldn’t. He belonged to someone else now, you had ruined your chances with this wonderful guy. There had been a time that you could have had everything, and now you were left with nothing.

“I still have it, you know.” He suddenly said and you shot him a confused look because you had no idea what he was talking about. But he was staring up at the dark clouds behind you, as if he was lost in his own thought and wasn’t really talking to you, but more to himself. “Your engagement ring, I have never been able to throw it away.” The rain around you seemed to fade into the background and the only thing you were able to do was grasp the papers on your hands, because you felt like you needed something to hold onto. For a few seconds the two of you stayed completely silent, as if none of you knew what to say next. But the quietness wasn’t uncomfortable like you had expected it to be, you felt as if you had finally found your way back home.

“Why?” You asked, a little hesitant. His fiancee was in that house, waiting for him to come back. She had no idea what you were talking about and what you two had been to each other, but you were sure that she could guess. He was further out of your reach then he had ever been, but you couldn’t help but long for him just like you had always done. Baekhyun took a deep breath and you blinked when his lips curled up into a soft smile, one you had always adored and that still made you loose your mind. “I guess that I always hoped you would come back one day, so that I could ask you again.” He guided his eyes back to yours and your astonishment made room for something that couldn’t be described as anything else than pure bliss as you smiled back at him from your spot underneath the small umbrella.

∙ EXO masterlist ♡ ∙ Masterlist ♡

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fzhrrr · 5 years

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Wedding stories

Ive been wanting to write about my wedding since, like 3 months ago. Somehow it got postponed every single day coz there’s always things to do. Life after marriage sometimes mean splitting yourself in 3 different directions. Your off days arent just yours anymore. That one off day per week that i got also belongs to myself, my husband, my family, his family, my dirty laundry, my books, my skin and i guess you can pretty much guess where along that list does my blog goes down.

Anyway, wedding stories. Disclaimer, rather than a dreamy- fantasize version of romantic fairy tale, my wedding is far far away from that.

Just last week, we had our sanding ceremony on A’s side. I was surprised that it was probably my favourite (most bearable) out of all three receptions.

I think the reason being is that we learned a lot of no-no’s from the previous majlis. This time around we decided to wear a traditional ensemble, something loose, not too heavy and just comfortable to be in on a hot day. And i especially love how the pictures turned out. Honestly a teeny tiny piece of super malayness in me kinda dreamed of having this picture. Two pengantin on a simple pelamin, in a songket outfit, headpiece and all. Its the kind of picture you’d hang on your wall and hope to one day proudly show your grandkids. (and they’d probably laugh on how out of fashion we were)

But yeah, it was nice. In Muar I did my own make up, and was so happy with how it turned out. We blew 800 ringgit on make up alone during the akad and majlis in cheras and i was so cranky because it was so horrible. The one during akad wasnt so bad (it was how people deemed make up pengantin should be, but my eyes were heavy and i look jahat in all the pics), but the night time do was just, unbelievable. I was in such a bad mood the only reason i got out of the house was because it was too late, and we cant keep the guests waiting.

I paid titi athirah, an old schoolmate to do my makeup and she so claimed it was at a discounted price. Didnt want to be so fussy coz apparently 800 is “cheap” for two ceremonies. I said i wanted just a basic look with deep red lips, she then insist on putting lighter foundation to make me look lighter coz its night time, then she had the audacity to put cheap glittters on my eyes and these tacky red gloss on my lips.

Pictured- annoyed me knowing she messed up, and knowing we ran out of time to fix things. Thick brows, tacky lips, orange skin,I look like a russian pornstar- and not the expensive kind.

I spend the whole evening feeling so ugly and embarassed. Yes, thats the exact words. In every picture my face was either grey from the wrong foundation shade or just sour, because i knew i look bad. I dont feel like myself, i was a horrible bride and A had to calm me down through out. I confronted this to titi, and she said to make it up, why dont she do one more service for free. That offer is just pure garbage coz dude, the damage is done and there’s no undo button to reset your wedding day. It is what it is.

I was so uncomfortable that i wasnt fully able to appreciate those who came to my wedding. I was reluctant to say hi, i dont wanna meet people, i just wanted it to end quickly. The crankiness outweighed my happiness of actually seeing friends and family who came to celebrate with us.

So this was one of the biggest lessons and tips to all brides: on your wedding day you only have one job- to be pretty and pleasant. And the only way for that to happen you need to be comfortable.

In Muar, there was some miscommunications which in the end lead me to doing my own make up. Oh people were just hogging around me- your eyes are so plain, your lipstick is too pale, your foundation is too dark, your base arent thick enough we can see your pores and human skin imperfections! The comments were so crude up to a point where i stood up for myself and said, can everyone just let me do my make up they way i want it. Because i feel like people can be so disrespectful when they want you to conform to their standard of beauty, without them realising it (cause hey, its only right for them to criticize and diminish the bride self worth on her wedding day)

I aint gonna be homeless-looking-russian pornstar 2.0.

And im glad i stood up for myself.

True, my make up wasnt perfect. Brows were crooked, there were shiny patch of oily skin all over my face. But A said i look nice and comfortable (like my usual make up do), and that was all that mattered. I was happy and glowing and excited to be bride of the day. And it obviously made me happier coz my man knows what i like best for me.

The kampung majlis was lively. Kompang and berarak and that whole shenanigan. Food was good and i ate like theres no tomorrow. The only problem was we didnt know how to pengantin, so after the formal meal we sort of just sat inside and mind our own business. We didnt invite our friends, and we knew <1% of the guests. A has always been the quiet guy and i was definitely not gonna muster up all my strength and bravado to go table to table and greet people. Took a few pictures with my family, pretended to drink water a few times and we went for an outdoor photoshoot with my brother. We really didnt know what to do.

The sun was scorching hot and we just wanted an out from the awkwardness of facing humans. You are the main star of a show people half heartedly come to see on your post postcall day. If there’s one principal i live by, its that you are an adult who can make your own good and bad decisions. You dont have to stay in awkward moments, you are allowed to make selfish choices.

And we chose an outdoor photoshoot at 3pm. Here’s us, barely able to open our eyes, in a picture where there’s more semak than sweetness. (but at least we got out of the awkward pengantin situation)

Kudos to idi, because this time we didnt have to pay the photgrapher thousands of ringgit for a few good shots.

I feel like this post is getting too long, and i ran out of energy to continue typing. Point is, pae’s married now. Wedding both sides are done so if the stress can go away and let my period cycle, skin condition and blood pressure return to normal that would be nice.

Do take note that being married is magical. And a life filled with love is unimaginably more beautiful than anything you can imagine. My rant is about the wedding, the wifing part i do enjoy bery bery much.

Here’s some random wedding shots for keepsake. enjoy:)

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lucylouphotography · 4 years

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The simple guide to being a stress-free bride

Check out my new blog post;

How to alleviate wedding stress

This simple guide will provide steps and actions you can take to be a stress-free bride.

It starts with a “Yes” and sometimes a lot of screaming and tears, it finishes with “I do” normally with less screaming and more class.

The journey from engaged to walking down the aisle is a helluva journey and one like no other really, it will be one of the most exciting things that will ever happen in your life but it is not without its complications.

Every bride wants a wedding that is loved by you and your partner, cherished by family members and has all your guests raving about it afterwards.

However.

If you’re prone to stress, worry or anxiety (and even if you’re not) then this can all be exacerbated by trying to make this incredible dream a reality.

Having performed at hundreds of weddings, spoken to hundreds of couples, been designated as an official wedding counsellor by some brides and having written a book on the very subject of overcoming wedding planning stress I feel like I’m qualified to talk about this.

So having hopefully instilled some sort of belief that I know what I’m talking about, without further ado here are 7 steps to take in order to help your wedding planning stress.

The 7 steps to overcoming wedding planning stress

Budgeting

Lose the idea of saying to yourself “well, if money was no object…..”

Money is an object and no wedding is worth going into debt over.

The stress of debt and money worries is horrible and something to avoid at all costs, pardon the pun.

The first step in planning your wedding should always be to work out just how much money you’re going to spend on it and then sticking to that number.

Squad

Typically it falls on one person within the partnership to pick up the reigns and guide you both towards the wedding you both want.

One person organising a wedding.

That’s a lot for one person.

You need to gather together a few people who are going to be there for you as support, sounding blocks, shoulders to cry on and most importantly people who are going to get almost as excited as you are.

This is typically going to be your mum, maid of honour, bridesmaids and maybe other females you’re close to but it can be literally anyone!

Emotional support is important at all times in life and it is honestly one of the best wedding stress antidotes there is.

Gratitude

Have you had a completely free choice over who you’re marrying?

Do you and your partner have enough disposable income to even get married?

Have you got a roof over your head and food in your cupboards?

The very fact you’re reading this means you’ve in all likelihood answered yes to all of the above.

This and SO many other reasons are such powerful ways to invoke a feeling of gratitude within ourselves.

Gratitude is such a lost art in modern society.

The beauty and fashion industry in particular thrive on people not feeling grateful for what they have already both within themselves and as physical products.

Consumerism demands that you do not feel good about yourself.

But how does this relate to your wedding?

Anytime you’re feeling stressed about your wedding and a particular decision, take a step back and understand how fortunate you are to be in that situation.

Stuck on a floral centrepiece decision? Isn’t it great that you can afford to have flowers.

Mother-in-law interfering? Isn’t it wonderful that she wants to have input into your day, imagine the pain your partner would be going through if she had abandoned them or had no interest whatsoever.

Do you see where I’m going with this?

Would you like to elevate your level of gratitude? Look at the wedding stress tips at the end of the blog.

Now I’m bracing myself for impact for the next step….

Getting over your wedding.

I’m not going to lie, I’m a little nervous about writing this one but it needs to be said.

I can already feel the daggers being sent my way.

It’s vital to understand that it’s completely ok for your wedding to be and feel like the most important in your life.

However.

*Hides under a table*

It’s just as important to understand that your wedding isn’t the most important thing in everyone else’s life.

I’ve spoken to brides before who are infuriated that their bridesmaids haven’t sent them photos in their bridesmaid dresses within a few days of receiving it.

Other people, no matter how much they love you have other things going on in their lives, often big things.

To them, I’m sorry to say, your wedding isn’t their number one priority.

Your wedding stress is only going to increase if you have expectations that everyone cares about your wedding as much as you do.

This does NOT mean that they don’t care about your wedding BUT unfortunately your wedding doesn’t stop your friends having break ups, financial issues, work stress and all manner of other problems.

Letting go of the idea of control

As humans we tend to naturally be huge balls of anxiety and worry.

Anything that’s outside of our comfort zone tends to feed the ball of worries.

Sound familiar?

Here’s what’s odd and, for me personally, is truly mind-blowing.

How many of the things that we let bother us are actually something that we have any control over whatsoever?

The answer is “a lot”.

Let me talk about control a bit.

We have control over two things, our thoughts and our actions.

Nothing else.

Literally.

Getting infuriated at something which isn’t in our control is utterly futile.

Swearing at an old lady in front of you going at 28mph in her Fiat Cinquecento in a 40mph zone achieves nothing.

Well nothing except feeding that ball of anxiety and stress.

It isn’t going to change the speed of that poor old lady and nor should it.

You’ll be forgiven for wondering how trundling octogenarians relates to your wedding stress, allow me to explain.

Bridesmaids not liking the cut of their dresses – not in your control, let it go.

People not RSVPing, not in your control – all you can do is ask again.

People asking if they can bring their kids to the wedding – it’s your wedding you decide if you’re allowing children or not.

While all of this might feel different to swearing at a snail-like pensioner the level of control is identical.

If you’d like your wedding stress to plummet then check out the wedding stress tips at the end of the blog.

Learning acceptance of even the most rubbish things

In my book, Blissful Wedding Planning, this was one of the hardest sections for me to write and explain to people.

The concept of Amor Fati, or for those non-latin speakers (i.e everyone) having a love of your own fate.

Sounds fancy but all it means is that no matter what happens in your life you accept it as what has happened.

No matter how difficult, unbearable or upsetting it is.

IT has happened and it’s down to you to fully accept that, no matter what IT is.

This may sound very harsh or very cold but it isn’t – this is what is difficult to convey to people.

We cannot change what has happened so we either choose to expend energy wishing things are different or use our energy to make the best of the only opportunity which is in front of us.

This by absolutely does not mean that we aren’t allowed to get upset or angry or emotional about even the worst events in life but it does mean that accepting them is the least stressful course of action.

Rain on your wedding day? Upsetting but have a contingency plan.

Guests decide at the last minute not to turn up? Crappy thing for someone to do but you can still make the most of the day.

Member of the waiting staff breaks his ankle as he’s walking behind the top table? Awful, doesn’t have to change anything. (Actually had this happen at a wedding!)

Essentially it is how we decide to respond to events that happen within our lives (at a wedding or not) that determine how happy we are.

Taking everything in your stride is a surefire way to reduce your wedding stress.

7. Plug Alert

The absolute best way to reduce your wedding stress in my opinion is to become a Stoic Bride by buying my book Blissful Wedding Planning: Becoming a Stoic Bride.

It was written for the sole purpose of helping people exactly like you on the path to actually enjoying your wedding planning and de-stressing your whole life at the same time.

Actions to take to reduce your wedding stress

Elevating your gratitude

This is a beautifully simple exercise. 1. Open up any notes application you have on your phone.

2. Write down something about your wedding that you’re truly grateful for.

3. Think about what that thing truly means to you.

4. Repeat that EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. until you have a list.

5. Bonus points for setting a reminder on your phone to tell you to do so each day.

You’ll be amazed at just how much this tests you and improves your mood in just a few weeks.

Recognising Control

These are the steps to take next time something about your wedding (or even your life) stresses you out. Deceptively easy and yes, easier said than done.

1. Ask yourself if you have any control over what has upset you.

2. If you have control over it then do what you can do to take charge of this so that it doesn’t upset you. Then let it go.

3. If you have no control then let it go.

Allowing emotions

Something crappy happened, something upset you?

1. First see the recognising control exercise above.

2. Still annoyed? No, good! Yes, see step 3.

3. Decide how long you’re going to allow yourself to be annoyed for? The next hour? Until lunch time? For the rest of the day?

4. Be really annoyed about this for the rest of that time, then stop being annoyed.

Getting through crappy times

Something really rubbish happened, something that has truly blown you out of the water.

1. Ask yourself, can I get through the next 1 second ok?

2. Then get through that second.

3. Ask yourself, can I get through the next 5 seconds ok?

4. Then get through those 5 seconds.

5. Ask yourself, can I through the next 10 seconds ok?

6. I think you can see where this is going.

Breaking these seemingly impossible times down into its individual seconds makes it much more manageable.

Conclusion

I hope that this blog has given you a slightly alternative way to look at your wedding planning and perhaps even your life.

This advice has come from my work as a Cognitive Behavioural Hypnotherapist, a professional wedding magician as well as my love of Stoic Philosophy.

If you’ve enjoyed it and would like to become a Stoic bride yourself then you can buy the book here or listen to it on Audible here.

You can check out Chris’ website for his amazing magic skills here.

I also have another blog post related to this topic called 5 tips for a stress-free wedding

The post The simple guide to being a stress-free bride appeared first on Lucylou Photography - Hampshire Wedding Photographer based in Fareham.

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clevergirrrl-blog · 12 years

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Turning 30

When I awoke on the first day of my 30th year, I was relieved to discover that nothing felt different. Most importantly, my breasts did not feel different. I was convinced that on February 14, 2012 they would shrivel up and dangle flaccidly from my chest like deflated birthday balloons. But it seems Mother Nature and her BFF Gravity were feeling generous today, so I was able to scratch at least one of my Turning Thirty Fears off of my list.

Yes, I was afraid of this day. On the outside, I wore a brave face and several defiant I’m-still-young outfits in the months leading to my B-day. On the inside, however, my mind was drowning itself in paranoid thoughts (and tequila), and so the Turning Thirty Fears were born. In no particular order, these were:

1. I will instantly become less attractive, and whatever beauty I have left will continue to rapidly fade with each passing second of my now miserably old existence. This in turn will make me a less worthy and significant member of society.

2. I will no longer be cool. Even if I make valiant efforts to be cool, these will only seem sad and pathetic. Being cool is very important.

3. I will be unhappy with where I am in my life, aka the fact that I’m not working my dream job, or married, or having babies, or even living on my GD own.

These Turning Thirty Fears have been weighing on me so heavily for the past several months that my massage therapist gave me an extra 30 minutes for free the last time I saw her, because she was “deeply worried” about what the hard knots in my neck and back said about my mental state. She told me I had to let go of whatever was bothering me, or I risked being crushed by the pain I was carrying around on my already weak shoulders.

With this advice in mind, the first thing I did this morning was crawl out from under my bed, march into my front yard, and yell, in the spirit of beloved child actor Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone: “Hey, I'm not afraid anymore! I said I'm not afraid anymore!” Truthfully, I only yelled it from inside the warmth of my home (hello, it’s February), but still. This small act of childish rebellion made me feel instantly powerful and awesome and ready to face my Turning Thirty Fears today. Here is my best effort at yelling at myself, and at anyone out there who needs to be yelled at.

1. Re: Diminishing Beauty / Sea Hag Forever

Guess what: your looks WILL fade. But this WON’T happen when the clock strikes midnight on the eve of your 30th birthday (it started happening on your 25th birthday, ha). There’s no point in stressing out about it, because looks DON’T MATTER. I’m not even going to get into the whole “impossible beauty standards created by the media and the patriarchy” or the “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” stuff. I’m just going to keep it simple: when is the last time one of your friends said “you know, I’m so happy you’re in my life, because you’re so hot”? When did your parents last say “we’re so proud of you for being attractive”? When did your boss state “you’re doing a great job, thanks to your amazing bone structure”? People care about how you treat them. They care about how you make them feel. They care about how much joy and fun and intelligence and adventure you bring to the table and into their lives - not about whether you have clear skin. Think about the people you love most, right now. Go on, gather them all in a room in your mind and take a good look at each and every one of them. Why do you love and cherish and respect them? Is it because of how they look? Nope. This is a two way street, pal. Your friends and family - aka the only people that should matter to you - don’t give a damn about what you look like. They will love the crap out of you no matter how much cellulite or how many wrinkles you have. They just will, and deep down you know this. Start reminding yourself of this every day, or at least every time you’re about to have a meltdown about your love handles or double chin.

That covers the “what other people think” dilemma, but what about what I think of myself? Here’s a script for when you have to defend yourself against your toughest critic: “You have functioning limbs and organs. You can see, smell, hear, taste, and breathe without difficulty or interruption. You can stand up straight and jump and run and you have the memory of being able to do cartwheels. Your teeth are all there and your hands are strong. You have a smile that makes people feel good.” Basically, remembering that you are alive and (for the most part) in one piece can do a lot to bring you back down to earth. If the above speech doesn’t work, try googling “horribly ugly people.” And if THAT doesn’t make you feel better, try thinking about people in other parts of the world who will spend their entire lives in poverty, getting raped and beaten. Then think about how you were just complaining about your eyebrows. Makes you feel like a pretty big asshole, right? Good.

2. Re: No Longer Cool / Might as well start wearing Mom Jeans.

Again, there’s just nothing you can do about this. You WILL become less cool, but it’s because you have a lot of other shit to do instead. Shit like supporting your friends through tough times, or raising your spawn, or working on your own relationships, or learning new things, or dominating at work, or figuring out how to relax and slow down, or improving yourself in numerous ways. Before you were 30, maybe you could spend 95% of your waking hours wondering whether you should hate Lana Del Rey or like the latest Gaspar Noe flick or wear neon this season. But now that you’re older, no dice. And that’s a good thing. Just keep a few younger people in your entourage; they’ll keep you in the what’s-cool loop, and you can focus on saving the world.

3. Re: Is this who/what/where I should be right now? omg??

When I was younger and an idiot, I thought that by the time I turned 30 I would have everything figured out and be this bad-ass shit-together working wife and mother who was also running for Prime Minister. Instead, I’m not married, I have zero babies, and I don’t really know what I want to do with my life. Shit.

Let’s tackle these puppies one at a time.

(a) Marriage: It’s Walt Disney’s fault, when you really think about it. My favourite movie as a child was The Little Mermaid, which taught me that redheads are hot, having a beautiful singing voice is really important, and marrying a man, even at the cost of giving up everything else in your life, is the only way to achieve real and everlasting happiness. Add to this the pressure from friends, family, and society in general, and a girl can end up feeling pretty shitty about not having something she doesn’t even know if she wants yet, if at all.

Most people I know who are married don’t report being happier or more in love or more fulfilled once they are married. In fact, out of the 9 couples whose weddings I attended this summer (kill me), I would say none of them feel this way. Are they all super happy and excited to be married? Of course! But did it solve all of their life problems and solidify their place in this cruel world? Negative. Do I feel happy and in love and fulfilled right now, without being married? Yes. So eat it, Ariel, you 16-year-old child bride.

(b) Babies: Babies are gross and annoying. They’re also infuriatingly dependant and stupid. But they’re also really cute! And I think I will probably want to make one some day in the distant future, but not yet. I realize that my parents had me when they were 22, and their parents had them when they were 16, and their parents had them when they were 11, and so on. But I’m pretty sure if they were being honest, my parents would admit that they would have loved to wait 10 more years to have me so that they could have done a lot more travelling and drugs in the 80s. I’m also officially over the biological-clock thing starting now. If my ovaries turn to dust before I decide I’m ready to give up my life, I’ll adopt. Angelina looks pretty fucking happy to me.

(c) Life plan: Again, I thought that by age 30 I would either be a high powered lawyer (tried it, hated it), a successful writer (does this count?), or just generally famous and beloved by the world at large. None of those things have happened yet, and somehow the world didn’t end. In fact, when I really think about it, my world has never been better. Every day I get to spend time with the people I love, eat amazing food, drink delicious beer, laugh a ton, and do other assorted joyful things like organizing stuff by colour and telling people what to do.

Tonight when I go to bed, I won’t be afraid anymore. My 30th birthday came and went, and I still feel like me. Maybe I’ll buy some fancy eye cream though, just in case.

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