#the gift of fear

[thatbadadvice]

Help! The Woman I Have Been Stalking for Years Is Disinclined to Engage With Me

Carolyn Hax, WaPo, 1 June 2023 (originally 11 March 2009):

Dear Carolyn: About five years ago, I began to realize that a woman I dated 25 years earlier was someone I had stronger feelings for than I was mature enough to appreciate at the time. I had questions for her about why we hadn’t blossomed into the kind of relationship I now think we both believe we were destined for. In the past five years, I’ve continued to have those questions, then dreams, etc., which led me to do a paid search for her address. I wrote her twice and left a voice mail. My messages have been about old friends I bumped into who reminded me of her, what I’ve been doing and how I’d like to hear from her. That is, nothing too serious or about what’s been on my mind. I haven’t received an answer. I’ve thought through the reasons she hasn’t corresponded, and why I needed to talk with her, and am still at a loss. Would asking her my questions directly in a letter be a way to coax her to reconnect? Telling her that, apart from this midlife crisis of mine, I’m happily married and successful, and that all I want are answers? -- A 30-year-old question

Dear 30-Year-Old Question,

One might expect a happily married person to do all kinds of things, but topmost among them is paying to find the contact information of an ex-girlfriend and sending said ex-girlfriend multiple unanswered messages, repeatedly and through a variety of means, over the course of many years in the hopes of deceiving her into heady conversations about the details of your long-ended relationship. Yes indeed, when the Bad Advisor thinks of "normal stuff a person who's very happy in their marriage would do," her mind immediately goes to "pretending to ask innocuous questions about old friends in the hope that a woman I dated 30 years ago believes I am solely and only asking her innocent questions about old friends, when in fact I am explicitly and admittedly not."

Women are famously unable to clock the intentions of men, who are very clever, extremely stealthy, and never creepy or dangerous to the extent that they would unsettle people from whom they have demanded interaction and who have time and time again ignored them. Probably this woman received your incredibly blasé letters and voicemail and thought: "Gosh, it seems like this dude who deuced out on me three decades ago is trying to rope me into responding to him multiple times despite my obvious disinclination to engage only and exclusively on the subject of our old friends, what a boring conversation, I shan't respond unless he sends me a lengthy bit of written correspondence detailing his many thoughts and feelings about how our romance ended, I simply can't imagine having a conversation with him unless I know for absolute certain he wants to rehash what happened between us, which is the only possible way I could fathom entertaining such a reconnection, one which I would never have reason to pursue otherwise, as I am so desperately in love with him and have been lo these 30 years but could not in good conscience find a way to broach the subject unless he sends me just one more letter finally making his bonerful intentions plain, that sly dog."

Might you have neglected to include a return address on the previous correspondence about which you were extremely desperate, but in a very casual way, to receive a response? Does your ex-girlfriend own the only cellular telephone on earth that does not log the return-call number of people who leave voicemails? Mayhap she simply does not know how to contact you after multiple attempts over half a decade! These are highly probable reasons she has not sought you out! Vastly more likely than the fact that she sees entirely the fuck through your pretenses and wants nothing to do with you whatsoever.

If you wish to receive a concrete answer about the status of your relationships, your best hope is to CC your spouse on any future correspondence. I think you can expect a prompt response.

#advice #bad advice #carolyn hax #washington post #mid-life crisis #happily married #the gift of fear #just asking questions #sea lion #m'lady #stalking #just regular stuff happily married dudes do #absolutely normal shit

[thehmn]

My friend gifted me The Gift of Fear book for my birthday. It’s a very interesting read that helps you recognize danger signals from other people but the author Gavin De Becker actually helped me manage my anxiety just from a short video somewhere where he explains the difference between fear/suspicion and anxiety/worry.

Very simply put fear/suspicion is a reaction to something in your environment while anxiety/worry is a response to something you imagine or remember either because it happened to you in the past or because you read about it somewhere.

So fear is if you walk into a room and there’s a man acting weird, and anxiety is if you walk into an empty room but get scared because maybe a man acting weird might show up.

There are of course nuances to that. Like, there might be frail old man just reading a newspaper but you get scared because you’re scared of all men, that’s anxiety, or you might know you have a stalker and then it makes sense to not want to be alone in a room with no escape, or you get scared when walking alone because you know it’s a dangerous area, but in both cases the rule still stands; fear is a response, anxiety is a memory/imagination.

De Becker also points out that it’s perfectly reasonable to be suspicious even if it turns out to be nothing. To give a personal example, I used to clean at an office that was in a nook of a lager building with other businesses. It was a busy area but it made no sense for anyone to be in the nook unless they had business with that specific office. One day a man was standing in the nook when I showed up, not doing anything. He didn’t look at me or his phone. He was just standing but at a distance that wasn’t immediately threatening to me. As cleaners we’re taught that if someone wants to break into the place where we clean there’s a chance they might consider our coming and going the optimal time. As soon as we turn off the alarm they might push their way in and though we aren’t the focus we might get hurt. I kept an eye on the guy in the reflection of the glass door while I unlocked it but he never looked at me. After that he showed up regularly but was always gone when I came back outside and I started to suspect that he might be learning my schedule so after entering the office I watched him thought the curtains to see what he did. He stood there for a few minutes when another person suddenly walked towards him, their hands touched for a second and then they both walked off in different directions. A drug deal. So I was right to think something shady was going on, it just had nothing to do with me.

In another case where my fear saved me I was walking my dog at 1 AM. I live in a very safe area so I’ve never been afraid to be out after dark (I never left my apartment after dark while I lived in a bad neighborhood in Leeds). I noticed a parked car on the road but didn’t think much of it because it was parked near a spot where I often meet a middle aged woman who waits to be picked up for her nightshift so I assumed her ride was just early tonight. Suddenly a young man burst out though the hedge surrounding a house, ran to the car, ripped the door open and that’s when he noticed me. He looked at me for a second then jumped into the car. The lights inside the car turned on and I saw another guy in the driver’s seat. They talked and both turned towards me just as the light turned off, then they sped down the street, into a small private parking lot, turned around and finally parked the car across the sidewalk, meaning that when I reached them I’d have to walk out onto the road to pass them. My dog hadn’t noticed anything weird and was busy sniffing the ground. I let him sniff which meant we moved at an exceptionally slow pace and the car never moved and my fear just grew and grew and I got the very strong sense that I shouldn’t get anywhere near that car. I took a split second decision and suddenly crossed the road to a grassy area between houses where a car couldn’t go. As soon as I did the car sped towards me but I was already well away from the street. The car slowed down to a crawl when it reached me and I saw the guys faces in the light from a street lamp. They looked worried. Then they sped up and I could hear them drive away at an insanely high speed. I kept an eye out for news about a crime in the area but saw nothing.

At the time I couldn’t have told you exactly what scared me. I’ve seen many young men run from their garden to their friends waiting in a car, look at me and drive away, and I’ve seen many people parked across the sidewalk because they were lost and were looking at Google maps. But looking back the first thing that I noticed was the way he looked at me before getting into the car. It was a split second too long, like he wasn’t just noticing me but thinking. It was of course also weird that they both looked at me in the car but the thing that really scared me was when they parked and there were no lights in the car. Why didn’t they look at their phones to open Google maps or find a text with directions? Why were they just sitting in darkness?

So Gavin De Becker as taught me to listen to my fear but also realize when I’m just being anxious. When I feel fear I’ll ask myself “What are you afraid of?” and if the answer is a memory or my imagination it helps to calm me down but if I can say “That man/sound/lack of sound/something specific” I know to be on guard even if I’m not sure why it’s scaring me yet. And that means I’ve also learned to trust myself a lot more. Thinking back I realize that I’ve always been right when I was afraid or suspicious of something/someone specific even if it turned out not to be a danger to me. I still knew something shady was going on and I was right to keep my distance because as De Becker says, it’s better to listen to your fear than ignore it because it’s better to be wrong and safe.

And of course this doesn’t mean that if you have bad anxiety or PTSD you should just stop treatment and let fear rule your life. Like I said, there’s more nuance to it than I can explain here, but I wanted to share because I’m amazed how much it has helped me. At first I just noticed I was a lot less anxious in general and it took some time before I realized it happened after watching a random talk from him on YouTube. That’s why I wanted to share this in case it might help others to be less anxious but also trust themselves more.

#humontalks #long post #the gift of fear #gavin de becker #anxiety

[fierysword]

If I told of all the women killed in America this year by a husband or boyfriend, the book you are holding would be four thousand pages long—and the stories would be stunningly similar. Only the names and a few details would change... Spousal homicide is the single most predictable serious crime in America.

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker

#the gift of fear #domestic violence

[rosilyetheena]

You Must Read This If You Are A Woman Alive

#the gift of fear #books and reading #art #books #love #quotes

[maaarine]

The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence (Gavin de Becker, 2000)

"We all know how to respect intuition, though often not our own.

For example, people tend to invest all kinds of intuitive ability in dogs, a fact I was reminded of recently when a friend told me this story:

“Ginger had a really bad reaction to our new building contractor; she even growled at him. She seemed to sense that he isn’t trustworthy, so I’m going to get some bids from other people.”

“That must be it,” I joked with her, “the dog feels you should get another general contractor because this one’s not honest.”

“The irony,” I explained, “is that it’s far more likely Ginger is reacting to your signals than that you are reacting to hers.

Ginger is an expert at reading you, and you are the expert at reading other people. (…)

Ginger does sense and react to fear in humans because she knows instinctively that a frightened person (or animal) is more likely to be dangerous, but she has nothing you don’t have.

The problem, in fact, is that extra something you have that a dog doesn’t: it is judgment, and that’s what gets in the way of your perception and intuition.

With judgment comes the ability to disregard your own intuition unless you can explain it logically, the eagerness to judge and convict your own feelings, rather than honor them.

Ginger is not distracted by the way things could be, used to be, or should be. She perceives only what is.

Our reliance on the intuition of a dog is often a way to find permission to have an opinion we might otherwise be forced to call (God forbid) unsubstantiated."

#gavin de becker #the gift of fear #book

[justabunchofquotesfromallover]

"The great enemy of perception, and thus of accurate predictions, is judgment. People often learn just enough about something to judge it as belonging in this or that category. They observe bizarre conduct and say, "This guy is just crazy." Judgments are the automatic pigeon-holing of a person or situation simply because some characteristic is familiar to the observer (so whatever that characteristic meant before it must mean again now). Familiarity is comfortable, but such judgments drop the curtain, effectively preventing the observer from seeing the rest of the play."

--Gavin de Becker, "The Gift of Fear"

#quotes #the gift of fear #gavin de becker #psychology #tw: ableist language #book quotes

[wordsthatmattered]

I have a message for women who feel forced to defend their safety concerns: tell mister I-Know-Everything-About-Danger that he has nothing to contribute to the topic of your personal security. Tell him that your survival instinct is a gift from nature that knows a lot more about your safety than he does. And tell him that nature does not require his approval.

- The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker

#the gift of fear #gavin de becker #book quote #self defense #quote #reading #wordsthatmattered #strength

[fivestarhuman]

Fear will come and get me if there’s a reason. -Gavin De Becker

#Gavin De Becker #the gift of fear

[antedelaureans]

“Since fear is so central to our experience, understanding when it is a gift—and when it is a curse—is well worth the effort.”

- Gavin de Becker, The Gift of Fear

#the gift of fear #Gavin de Becker

[girlzoot]

Just think about how we live: We are searched for weapons before boarding a plane, visiting city hall, seeing a television show taping, or attending a speech by the president. Our government buildings are surrounded by barricades, and we wrestle through so-called tamper-proof packaging to get a couple aspirin. All of this was triggered by the deeds of fewer than ten dangerous men who got our attention by frightening us. What other quorum in American history, save those who wrote our constitution, could claim as much impact on our day-to-day lives? ---Gavin De Becker/The Gift of Fear(1997)

#gavin de becker #the gift of fear #reactionary

[canisalbus]

Machete the Feral does this weird ass dog thing when they stare into your soul.

.

#yes #the knowing look #can't keep secrets from him #I fear that his big eyes and nervous personality would mean he'd have near constant whale eye going on #gift art #kuroikamome #own characters #Machete #he looks a little like a moomin character here #something about the pointy snout and the eyes #soft as a cotton ball

[honeyhobbs]

We need more gaz calling cards and in this essay I will

#pls accept this gift gaz nation mwah #fixed up an abandoned gaz sketch bc i felt so guilty for abandoning gaz nation lately #i loveee the style of some of the calling cards and i wanted to do my own take #id love to animate this but i fear that is too much work lol #PRETTY GAZ CALLING CARD ACTIVISION PLS IM BEGGING I ONLY HAVE ONE FROM MW2 PRESTIGE AND YOU CAN BARELY TELL ITS HIM #kyle gaz garrick #kyle garrick #gaz mw2 #gaz cod #gaz art #gaz #mw2 art #call of duty mw3 #call of duty fanart #task force 141 #call of duty #cod mw3 #cod mwii #mw2 #gaz mw3 #mw3 #cod mwiii #procreate #my art

[fierysword]

Another strategy used by Kelly’s rapist is called typecasting. A man labels a woman in some slightly critical way, hoping she’ll feel compelled to prove that his opinion is not accurate. “You’re probably too snobbish to talk to the likes of me,” a man might say, and the woman will cast off the mantle of “snob” by talking to him... When Kelly refused her attacker’s assistance, he said, “There’s such thing as being too proud, you know,” and she resisted the label by accepting his help.

Typecasting always involves a slight insult, and usually one that is easy to refute. But since it is the response itself that the typecaster seeks, the defense is silence, acting as if the words weren’t even spoken. If you engage, you can win the point, but you might lose something greater. Not that it matters what some stranger thinks anyway, but the typecaster doesn’t even believe what he says is true. He just believes that it will work.

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker

#red flags #safety tips #the gift of fear

[chiliger]

If there’s one thing to fear in any galaxy…

#chiligerart #comic #Star Wars #the clone wars #selva company #la chancla #commander carlos #bella tehpe #arc trooper peck #marlu epuna #star wars oc #clone trooper oc #original character #peck isn’t an arc yet at this point but shhhh the tag is still accurate #fear the chancla. whomever wields it is gifted with incredible aim and strength #I gotta figure out how to speed up my comic process. or maybe I’m just rusty #idk either way I maybe spent longer than I would have liked on these pages

[nat1volition]

emo dad

#there are ears under there #it’s where he puts his bedazzlements #girl this is a profound gift to be invited #fear and hunger #fah #f&h #fear&hunger #fear & hunger #funger #fear and hunger enki #enki #enki ankarian #fear and hunger the girl #fear and hunger ragnvaldr #ragnvaldr #cahara #fear and hunger cahara #fear and hunger fanart

[justabunchofquotesfromallover]

"Distinguished psychiatrist Karl Menninger has said, 'I don't believe in such a thing as the criminal mind. Everyone's mind is criminal; we're all capable of criminal fantasies and thoughts.' Two of history's great minds went even further. In an extraordinary correspondence, Albert Einstein and Sigmund Freud explored the topic of human violence. Einstein's letter concluded that 'man has in him the need to hate and destroy.' In his reply, Freud agreed 'unreservedly,' adding that human instincts could be divided into two categories: 'those which seek to preserve and unite, and those which seek to destroy and kill.' He wrote that the phenomenon of life evolves from their 'acting together and against each other.'"

--Gavin de Becker, "The Gift of Fear"

#quotes #the gift of fear #freud #einstein #karl menninger #gavin de becker #psychology