#tw: ableist language | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

schrijverr · 7 months

Text

Religion of the All in the One

A case team Mustang is working on forces Ed to reflect on his relationship with religion and if he perceives Truth to be God.

On AO3.

Ships: none

Warnings: religious themes, ableist language (Ed calls himself crazy for believing Truth while it could be a hallucination)

~~~~

Religion. It isn’t something Ed paid much attention to before he met God.

Amestris is a country born out of alchemy. Science. The only big, known religious group within it’s borders are the Ishvalans and everyone knows how they are treated. It’s just not common for anyone to be particularly religious.

However, Ed did meet God, which kind of throws a wrench in his whole atheist shtick. Though, he loathes to think of that white mass as God. He prefers to call It Truth, the name gives It both more and less power in Ed’s mind.

On the one hand, if he doesn’t think of It as God, then It isn’t all powerful, all knowing and all that jazz that scares the shit out of him. No omnipotence.

On the other hand, however, by naming It as Truth, It comes closer to governing the systems Ed has believed in since he was a little boy. Alchemy is something he has always put his faith in, this thing might not necessarily be God, but It is Truth and that means It’s at least in charge of everything Ed believes.

Which maybe does make It God?

Ed isn’t sure entirely, but he does know that It is capable of taking Al, of taking his arm. That It has a power no human holds. And that It had no real reason to lie to him. So, he’s pretty sure It’s God, but he’s not calling It God, because he refuses to be religious.

He calls It Truth, because that’s what It is and that’s what It showed him. Out of all the names It gave Itself, that was what Ed thought to be the most truthful.

And yeah, he knows that refusing to acknowledge that he is maybe a little bit religious by not labeling It as God is a little childish, but sue him, he doesn’t want to be religious. He isn’t religious, not really.

It’s not like he prays, goes to some sort of temple or tries to convince others that there is a higher being than them. He just happens to know that Truth is out there, ensuring you keep by the laws of the universe.

He prefers to call himself an atheist. The absence of belief.

Not in the sense that he doesn’t believe he saw what he saw, he does. However, in his opinion, belief requires a sort of faith in whatever you believe to be out there. He believes Truth is real and he believes in the laws It presides over, he just doesn’t have faith in It like he supposes most religious people have in their Gods.

He has a healthy respect for Truth, of fucking course he does after that encounter. But none of those wishy-washy feelings of feeling protection that he’s heard religious people use. He doesn’t worship It, just is aware of Its existence.

So yeah, religion, it’s not something Ed paid much attention to until he was faced with Truth and even after that, he mostly stuffed any thoughts about It in a corner of his mind to never think about again, unless contemplating possible rebounds from attempts to get their bodies back.

At least, that’s what he thought until today.

Him and Al have just returned from yet another fruitless mission in search of the stone and are here to report back to Eastern Command. It had been a boring mission and both are happy to be back in the friendly liveliness of Mustang’s team.

They are warmly greeted by everyone there as they enter. It appears to be a good day at HQ, because Mustang is leaning against Havoc’s desks, chatting, and Hawkeye isn’t drawing any guns to stop them, so work must be going well.

“How was your mission, boys?” Hawkeye asks them, smiling pleasantly.

“Nothing interesting,” Ed shrugs, unable to keep the displeasure out of his voice entirely.

“But it was also very informative, Lieutenant,” Al pipes up in that positive manner of his. “They had a big library that we spend a few days at when the lead itself was a bust. Nothing about the stone, but still a lot of cool stuff.”

“That’s good to hear, Alphonse,” Hawkeye tells him while Al does his best impression of beaming while being a suit of armor.

“Can I expect a bill for property damage from your busted lead?” Mustang speaks up, crossing this arms as he raises his eyebrow in that slimy smug manner that Ed hates about him.

“It was just one building,” Ed huffs in response, feeling a little bit of satisfaction at how Mustang’s face drops when he realizes he’ll have to do the paperwork for it. Though he does relieve him of his misery a little bit when he adds: “And we fixed it up again. Don’t worry.”

Instead of taking his word for it, Colonel Bastard looks at Al for confirmation, who answers the look obligingly: “They weren’t that mad about it. A group of bandits had been holed out there, so it hadn’t been used by anyone in town. They’re turning it into a community center after brother fixed it up.”

“See, we had it handled and it was nothing,” Ed waves it away, having spotted some thick old looking books on Havoc’s desk that look way more interesting. “What are you looking at?” he asks, peering over Havoc’s shoulder.

Havoc leans out of the way to let Ed take a look as he answers: “It’s a cult of some sort that has popped up. Nothing bad has happened with them yet, but we want to know if they’re extremist before people get hurt, so we’re checking out their scripture. It looked a bit like alchemy to me, so I asked the colonel to take a look.”

“Seems like they’re treating alchemy as a gift from god,” Mustang snorts. “It’s ridiculous. Everyone knows alchemy is a science, there’s nothing divine about it. It’s just rational reasoning, universal laws. Nothing hoke-y poke-y about it.”

And for some reason, the statement just rubs Ed wrong.

He remembers the awe inducing fear of meeting Truth. He remembers all the knowledge that has been shoved into his brain and the toll he had to pay for it. He remembers knowing without any shadow of a doubt, the lengths Truth would go to, to keep the balance of the universe. He remembers how much he has revered that balance ever since.

“It’s not ridiculous,” he snaps without consciously deciding to even make it a topic of conversation, it just slips out.

A hush falls over the room as everyone turns to look at him, surprise obvious in their faces. Ed doesn’t blame them, he’s made his distaste for many religious groups he has encountered during his travels. And he still doesn’t like it when people claim alchemy is a miracle, because it isn’t. It’s science ruled over by Truth, but nothing inexpiable about it.

Ed shrinks a little under the scrutiny of everyone. It’s clear that all of them expect at least some form of further elaboration, but Ed hadn’t even been aware that he held this opinion until he snapped at Mustang three seconds ago, so he’s still kind of gathering his thoughts.

“What do you mean exactly?” Mustang asks him, curiosity shining through in his voice.

A part of Ed considers waving the whole thing off and muttering something about how alchemy is dangerous and should be treated with respect. He knows they’re smart enough to connect it to their failed transmutation and back away from the sensitive topic.

And it won’t be wrong. It is mostly that alchemy is dangerous and should be treated with respect. Ed believes that. Only he doesn’t just believe that because rebounds are a thing if you mess up, but also because he believes in Truth, the being responsible for all alchemy.

The being he met during his human transmutation. The being who called Itself God. And Ed, who believed It when It claimed that title. He might prefer Truth, as the name fits better in his belief system, but he now can’t deny that a part of him also believes It to be God.

This new cult, however, seems to share his beliefs. Which can just mean that they have a healthy respect for alchemy and all it pertains, even if they’re a little odd about it. Or that one of them did human transmutation themselves or they found records of someone who did and wrote down their experiences.

Either way, Ed needs to know, because Al doesn’t remember and the idea of getting confirmation of someone else also having seen it, sounds great.

“Fullmetal?” Mustang prompts, curiosity having turned into concern with how long Ed remained silent.

“Lemme see,” is all Ed replies, snatching the book of the desk and flipping through it, quickly scanning pages for mentions of Truth. He asks: “Is this their holy book? Is there more or is this it? Do they have a prophet of some sort?”

The happy atmosphere from before has dissipated with his actions. Ed feels a little bad about it, but not too bad. He never does when he’s trying to get answers.

Havoc answers, being the one who is studying them. “That does seem to be their source, but it’s mostly oral scripture it seems.”

“No prophet?” Ed asks to confirm, since Havoc hasn’t mentioned it in response.

“They have a leader, but not one who claims to be a prophet. He just mostly distributes the word, but it’s unclear whose word, aside from the book,” Havoc tells him.

“Do they mention the name of their God?” Ed asks further, still flipping through the book.

“Just God, I think,” Havoc says.

“It would be something like the Universe, All, Truth. Anything like that?” Ed practically interrogates Havoc as the tension in the room rises.

“Maybe? I don’t think so?” Havoc responds, sounding unhappy about not knowing when it is clear that Ed thinks it might be vital information.

“Do they mention a Gate? Or a white figure? Nothing but a mouth?” Ed asks, not sure if he wants these people to also have committed the taboo or not. If the lack of loneliness is worth someone else making the same mistakes.

“No,” Havoc answers that question confidently and something starts to squeeze in Edward’s chest, though he can’t explain why or what.

He flips through the final pages of the book and there is nothing that could be interpreted as a reference to the Truth or the Gate. Nothing like the meeting he’s had.

The book is old and theoretical. Ed is pretty sure it’s written by a philosopher, not an alchemist, or at least not a successful one. Not someone powerful enough to try human transmutation. Likely someone who turned to theorizing about alchemy when performing it didn’t work out. Ed has to respect the writer for being smart about not doing alchemy, realizing it’s dangers and pondering its origins, since many alchemist Ed has met forget to do so.

However, he can’t deny that the tight feeling in his chest is disappointment. He never wishes his own mistakes on someone else, but he would have loved to compare notes with someone else if they had seen Truth as well.

He tosses the book back onto Havoc’s desk, blowing a strand of hair out of him face with a disappointed huff. Now that he knows it’s not Truth, he doesn’t want to get into it. So, he just sags and says: “Nevermind, then.”

Unfortunately, just because Ed doesn’t want to talk about it, doesn’t mean the others don’t. And he can’t really blame them for asking after that display.

So, he feels mostly resigned when Mustang demands: “Where did those questions come from? Do you know something, Fullmetal? Have you seen this before?”

“I thought I recognized something, but it’s not It. So, whatever,” he replies, crossing his arms. Just because he’s resigned himself to questions, doesn’t mean he resigned himself to cooperating. He’s still partially figuring out the mess in his own head anyway.

Mustang squints at him, trying to figure out his next move and Ed holds his breath, waiting. He is inclined to just go, but he still has to report and having to come back after running off like a little kid sounds like a nightmare. So he stares right back.

“What did it remind you off?” Mustang asks, apparently having decided to push.

“It’s none of your business,” Ed scowls.

“You made it my business when you started listing things like this could be a potential threat,” Mustang glares right back at him.

“Well, it’s not the dangerous thing, so it’s fine. Nothing to worry about,” Ed says.

“And what if we encounter those things you listed if we investigate deeper. This is just a surface report. What danger are we walking in here then?” Mustang asks and Ed hates that he has a bit of a point.

Still, stubbornly he maintains: “You’re probably not going to. It’s a small fucking chance, alright?”

“Just tell what it could potentially be so we can look out for it or officially rule it out. That’s an order, Fullmetal,” Mustang says.

“You’re not going to be able to put it down officially, because it has to do with human transmutation!” Ed explodes, his annoyance at the questions having chipped away at his resolve not to answer them.

“… What?” Mustang asks after a beat of silence. He sounds smaller than before. Well, more confused and out of his depth, making him seem less big than his usual mask of confidence.

Ed is still breathing harshly after his outburst, but that tone of voice makes him pause. Mustang was coming from a place of safety concerns, especially for his own team, his family. Ed can’t really begrudge him that. Besides, he himself hates it when people have information and they refuse to give it for seemingly no reason.

Still, it’s not something he likes talking about, but he feels a little bad now. So, he glares to the ground and sulkily says: “When you perform human transmutation, you get taken to the Gate and you meet Truth, who decides what toll you pay. It also introduces Itself as God, the Universe, the All in All is One. If they were worshiping alchemy as a God, it isn’t that far a stretch that one of them might have done it and come back a prophet. Or they found records of it and might try themselves in some stupid idea of worship.”

The room is quiet again.

Ed doesn’t look up.

He isn’t religious. He isn’t.

But maybe he also is.

Because if these people had been worshiping Truth, if it had been their religion. Then Ed might have been interested in religion for the first time. Then Ed might not have called them naive for their beliefs. Then Ed might have gotten it.

Alas, it seems like they’re like many others, who worship something without proof. Who come close, but don’t fully grasp what they’re talking about. Who haven’t seen. Who don’t know. Not like Truth made Ed Know. He is still seemingly alone in that.

His own religion of one. His belief in Truth, the circle of life. It’s basically a belief in science like many other alchemist have, but one that has a figurehead. A God. Not just thinking the world has laws we humans can’t escape, but thinking that there is a God keeping those laws.

“You met god?” Breda cuts through the silence after it has dragged on for a minute or so, sounding incredulous, like he can’t really believe what he’s just heard.

“It sounds fucking stupid when you say that,” Ed exclaims, throwing his hands up. “But It’s a right asshole and It took my arm and my leg. I know It did. I’m not crazy or making it up.”

Just because there has been no one to confirm it, doesn’t mean Ed didn’t see what he saw. It’s not a hallucination. It can’t have been. Ed gave It his arm for his brother. Al got back to him. That’s all the proof he needs.

But he knows that if someone had told him this without him experiencing it, he might not have believed them either.

And maybe that’s why he never tried to think about it, never considered himself religious. Because he isn’t brave enough to have someone question his own beliefs like he does with the religions of others.

Because Ed is religious. He has shaped his whole life after his encounter with Truth. He lives by the law of equivalent exchange religiously and spends his every waking day studying with the knowledge Truth gave him to find the toll they need to pay to reverse the judgment Truth passed on them.

He just never worships publicly in a way that invites questions, because he’s not brave like other worshipers. He’s not brave enough to hear others say that Truth isn’t real. To hear them say that he’s crazy for thinking he met God and God stole his limbs and his brother from him.

He’s not brave enough to have others question his Truth. The Truth that took his limbs and Al’s body, meaning that It still has them and It is the only thing that can give them back.

Ed can’t waver in that belief, but putting it into words makes him sound insane. It’s better to be an atheist, who has a disdain for religion than a religious nut, who looks down on other religions, because he has proof of his God.

Not that he put any of that together in his brain before Breda said what he said. But now here he is, facing team Mustang – none of them known for being patient with religion – having just confessed to meeting God.

Great.

“Brother?” Al asks cautiously, as if Ed is about to fall apart. Ed can’t really blame him for the tone, because he can feel himself shaking a little as he looks down to the ground, not meeting any of their eyes.

“I know how it sounds,” Ed semi-repeats. “I sound like a fucking crazy person, so forget about it. It doesn’t matter. This little cult is not that and they don’t look to be on the track towards Truth, so you’ll be fine. Nothing to report or note down. Here is my report,” he produces the piece of paper from his jacket and holds it out to Mustang without looking at him. “Just sign it off so I can go.”

For a beat nothing happens and the fear that this is the limit creeps up on Ed. That Mustang is finally done with their nonsense and kicking them out of the military.

Then the paper tentatively gets taken out of his hands and he chances a glace up. Mustang is still looking uncertain, but not maliciously. More like he’s walking on dangerous ground without knowing where the next trap will be.

Their eyes meet and Mustang’s soften when they register the fear Ed can’t manage to hide. It shouldn’t calm Ed down, but it does.

The colonel barely reads the report and doesn’t do the whole song and dance where he forces Ed to repeat what has happened verbally, while he makes short jokes and teases him. Instead he just signs it after a glance and says: “Thank you, Ed. For the report and the information.”

Mustang never calls Edward anything other than Fullmetal. Never. Yet here he’s calling him Ed, allowing him a little bit of humanity outside of his state alchemist title. Showing Ed that Mustang trusts him to be truthful and that while he might not fully believe him, he doesn’t look down on what Ed has just shared.

Ed doesn’t really have words to reply to that, so he just gives the man a stiff, jerk-y nod, before swiftly turning on his heel and quickly walking out of the room.

Behind him he hears the clanging of Al’s armor as he rushes to follow his older brother. When he catches up, he softly says: “Are- are you okay?”

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” Ed bites out, happy he finally manages noise, though a bit guilty about the harshness of his tone.

“Okay,” is all Al replies, always so forgiving. More forgiving than Ed deserves.

And Al doesn’t bring it up again, nor do the others of Mustang’s team. It goes unspoken and unacknowledged.

Ed is glad for it. Glad that no one is forcing him to question his Truth, because he can’t afford to. He can’t waste time on existentialism when they need that time to focus on figuring out how to get the payment they need.

Much later, he’ll talk about it again. Teacher will remember the same thing, confirm that he hadn’t been crazy like he feared in his weakest moments, when he wondered if he hadn’t been chasing after a pain induced hallucination. Al will remember, confirming it again and maybe finally understanding Ed’s drive to follow alchemy’s law religiously in all aspects of his life. Later Mustang too, though Ed would have preferred for the man to always think him crazy in the back of his mind than what happened to him.

Religion. It isn’t something Ed paid much attention to before he met God. But once he did, he was devout, though he never claimed to be. Not out loud, not really. Atheist is a much safer label for those who are convinced of their beliefs, but unwilling to share them.

And the Truth is a hard thing to share when it costs so much just to prove It exists.

A/N:

I think Ed meeting Truth is so interesting and that exploring how it might have impacted him. Like, idk if I could have come away from that moment an atheist (and neither I think, would Ed, hence the fic)

#rr writing #fmab #fma #fullmetal alchemist #fullmetal alchemist brotherhood #edward elric #truth #fmab truth #alphonse elric #roy mustang #riza hawkeye #jean havoc #team mustang #tw: religious themes #tw: ableist language

9 notes · View notes