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adagioapassionato · 8 months

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playlist focus. 사는게 지겨워질 때쯤 (when living gets tiring)

So…you’d think that getting recognition from a band you’ve idolised for a year would push you to create more of the same type of content…right? Not for me, apparently. It’s not that I didn’t want to, or don’t have multiple almost-finished pieces about the music I love ready to share with the world. I suppose life got in the way – and when living itself felt exhausting and confusing, I couldn’t focus on creating the way I wanted to.

But I realized a few days ago that music had still carried me through this confusing and tough time in my life. Early in June, when I’d find myself in tears multiple times a week, I compiled a playlist of songs for when the going got too hard and I didn’t feel like carrying on. In this post I describe a few select songs from that list that are particularly close to my heart!

The playlist is named in Korean, after the lyrics of Find Me! by The Poles (of course, one of Daniel’s songs again!) – 사는게 지겨워질 때쯤 , which means ‘when living gets tiring.’ The entire first verse goes, “when living gets tiring/and the world feels like its ending/and taking a breath feels like imagining/because that would be better/find me in this world.” So I guess, it’s the music I come back to when I don’t feel like carrying on, so that I find the strength to move forward again.

There are two categories of songs I added to the playlist. While we feel tired and stressed often, we may look for different kinds of catharsis and comfort, even if the feeling is essentially the same. The first category encompassed sad songs that really describe breaking down, being stressed, being uncertain. They provide a mirror that suggests you’re not alone in your feelings, without forcing any solutions or positivity in your face. The second group of songs provide comforting reassurance: they accept that times are hard, but also feel like a warm hug from a friend assuring you that everything will work out soon.

1. What If… by j-hope

I ended up listening to j-hope’s Jack In The Box album for the first time almost a year after he released it. When I did, I wondered why I’d been depriving myself of listening to an album made with so much heart and emotion. At the same time, though, I felt like his songs had found me at the perfect time – I wouldn’t have connected to them a year ago the way I did now.

The whole album focuses on j-hope’s worries for the future, but the desperation and anxiety for the future conveyed in ‘What If…’ is palpable, from the desperate piano riff to the repeating shouts of “what if, what if, I have no…” in the chorus. j-hope’s focus on the dilemma between staying positive and giving into spiraling anxiety about the future particularly stood out to me. He reflects on whether he can truly call himself by the name ‘hope’, when he often does not really feel hopeful about the future. During a period of uncertainty, I was often told to ‘be positive,’ ‘stay optimistic’ and keep moving forward. However, you’re bound to get exhausted by being positive all the time. This song connected to the frequent periods of confusion and worry I faced, where I wondered whether it was pointless to be so positive all the time in case I’d just end up with nothing anyway. After all, I could hardly see where the road ahead of me was leading. The repeating questions throughout the song – ‘Can I do this? (Let me think) Can I do it?’, “What if I have no hope? What if I have no dream? What I have no house?” echoed my exact worries about beginning a new chapter of my life.

j-hope is someone who can truly call himself ‘hope’, because he understands what it is to want to move forward with optimism, but struggle with it at the same time; to wonder what would happen if all of a sudden, despite your best efforts, you were to lose everything – “what if I have nothing? Can I do that shit?” Even in a song where he expresses the deepest worries of his heart, he echoed my own worries and provided me comfort. I thus held this song, and the Jack In The Box album, very close during this time!

2. Ajj Din Chadheya by Rahat Fateh Ali Khan

This song unexpectedly touched my heart during this period too. It directly addresses God, and begs him to end a long period of suffering and frustration. I grew to become more spiritual during this period of my life as it gave me hope, thus, I could see myself asking the very same things of God that this song does. The melodies of the song are sweet and accompanied by a harmonious piano, as though kindly expressing one’s frustrations to God and requesting him to give us his blessings.

The second verse of the song particularly struck me. He sings (translated from Hindi):

“I only asked for what’s mine, What is it to you? It’s not as though I’ve asked you to give me heaven What sort of a God are you, Who only exists in name, That you couldn’t do even this much for me? Please, just let me receive what I want.”

This verse really resonated with me – when you feel as though you’re trying everything you can to get what you want, what you believe you even deserve, but somehow the universe seems to keep it from you. At this point, you can do nothing but ask the universe what is preventing you from getting what you’ve desired for so long. The song beautifully conveys frustration with God by questioning if he even exists, but also has a pleading tone that requests him to finally end this pain and stress. It’s a beautiful take on faith that shows even the most difficult parts of trying to keep it, while still relying on it to pull through a difficult time. Rahat Fateh Ali Khan’s open, emotional voice beautifully conveys this spiritual but incredibly human conversation with God.

I truly love how many Hindi songs outline a similar conversation with God. I wanted to include more in this post, but I wanted to vary the selection I describe here a bit. If you listen to the playlist, do check out ‘Arziyan’ by Javed Ali for some very heartrending but beautiful music!

3. everythingoes by RM

RM’s ‘mono.’ playlist always has so much emotional meaning to me for being with me during every one of my tough times. I think Namjoon’s music has a beautiful quality of mirroring your pain and struggles in the most comforting way possible. With this song, he takes even the cliched statement of “this too shall pass” or “everything will pass” and turns it into a message of perseverance and hope.

The gentle tones of Namjoon’s singing that repeat the words, “It all passes, someday, for sure, certainly…It passes” really ensure this simple message is ingrained in our minds. His soft singing contrasts the increasing desperation of his voice during the rap section. While he uses beautiful imagery of change – “Just as night leaves and morning comes/The spring leaves and summer comes, but/Just like the flower wilts and the fruit grows ripe” – he states, contrastingly, that “everything needs to go through pain.” Thus, he accepts that even beautiful experiences pass and change. Similarly, while endings and change feel painful and sad, they pass to reveal something even more beautiful, that will then go through the same cycle of ending and change.

Namjoon also suggests that while it can be hard to believe in “unclear words saying to have strength” and “the lies that it’s all just the way things are,” we can simply pray that we become “better adults,” or people who can control our responses and accept that everything changes and passes. I love how he subverts cliched words of comfort and instead tells us to hold on with hope for a better future. The song is truly such a balm for troubling times and I always revisit it when I feel low.

4. The Story by Conan Gray

A lot of Conan’s music feels like it was written just for me. The whole ‘Kid Krow’ album especially has a lot of songs that really felt like a hug through my hard times. I’m really happy to say that I watched Conan perform this song live, and it was absolutely beautiful to sing it with him and feel with him the hopeful tones of his music. Before performing it, he explained that the song was very personal to him – he said that although he went through a lot as a child and was tired of being told he should ‘be strong’, the fact that he was able to perform for us like this showed just how much better things could get, and even if it feels like it, it’s really not the end of the story.

The lyrics of the song focus on love and friendship, and tell each story briefly but impactfully such that they really strike the heart – the first verse, for example:

“Let me tell you a story about a boy and a girl It’s kinda short, kinda boring, but the end is a whirl They were just sixteen and the people were mean So they didn’t love themselves, and now they’re gone Headstones on a lawn…”

I really love the way Conan assures us that even though the world is harsh and life can be hard, it’s still “not the end of the story” – “Oh and I’m afraid that’s just the way the world works/But I think that it could work for you and me/Just wait and see/It’s not the end of the story.” The song is very simply composed – Conan’s voice is left bare an accompanied by just a piano and guitar, which makes it feel more personal as though he’s telling these stories only to you. This song feels like a conversation with your best friend late at night as you pour your hearts out to each other – and that’s one of the many reasons it gives me so much hope and reassurance.

5. New Youth (새소년) by SE SO NEON

I ended up discovering Se So Neon when I more recently got into the Korean indie scene – I truly enjoy Hwang Soyoon’s silvery voice that manages to convey a versatile range of emotions. Through its sound alone, this song feels like a lullaby. The song is titled Se So Neon (새소년) in Korean too – thus, the band’s name and this song both signify ‘new youth.’

The song touched me because of its focus on the ‘new youth’ of today – it spoke to me as someone in their ‘youth’ who was rather struggling with being in that phase of life. I think many young people experience disillusionment with their dreams – they want to achieve so much, but they realise how difficult it is to build one’s own life in today’s world and society. I love how Soyoon captures this when she sings, “The time you had hoped for passes by/We walked on without a word/I guess we had already been forsaken.” Having gone through a global pandemic and then trying to regain your footing in the world after it ends, it feels like all the moments we’ve hoped for never seem to go the way we expect, and all we can do is walk ahead wondering if this was how it was always meant to be.

I also really liked the bridge of the song:

“Ah, new youth, we’ve already been born Ah, let’s breathe in deeply Ah, us forsaken new youth, Ah, let’s breathe in deeply”

It feels so gentle and comforting – it accepts the feeling of being left out, forsaken and struggling to make a life for yourself. It then asks you to just take a breath for a minute and feel that you are alive. And yet, somehow, we still find it in us to run towards the future – “the future sees a light, far over there/It keeps illuminating me, it calls to me, I run to it” “I aimed for and ran away to the time that was visible to me.” Thus, she asks us to keep going as best we can, to move forward and make the choices that we know best despite struggling and feeling forsaken. The regular rhythms, soothing melodies and Soyoon’s voice like a lullaby all make this such a wonderful song to listen to during times like these.

6. The Same (우리에게 필요한건) by The Poles

And finally, the song that inspired me to make this entire post! I heard this song a long time ago, but on a particularly hard day, the lyrics of the chorus played on my mind continuously – “어지러운 날들이 다시 괜찮아질 거야” (those dizzy days will become okay once again). I listened to the song and checked what the lyrics meant, and somehow, it was exactly what I needed to hear in that moment, just like the song’s Korean title, 우리에게 필요한건 (What we/I need). The chorus is particularly so special: “As we look at the same place/We’ll once again walk the same path/Those dizzy days/Will be okay again.” What a beautiful way to say: remember where it is you want to go and what you are moving towards, and before you know it, the dizziness of uncertainty will settle down again.

It also reminds me not to try to control the future. The second verse:

“Let’s be swept away If we float to that place far away Not needing anything at all […] Let’s float without getting hurt…”

It urges you to do what you can and just allow the present to happen around you – float with it and see where it takes you into the future. Go without expectation, “not needing anything at all.” It’s beautiful how a song called “what we need” shows that what we truly need is to not need anything at all – to not expect anything of the world and float with it, seeing where life takes you.

Daniel’s music, especially with The Poles, has a particularly beautiful way of providing comfort. Here, the loud rhythm of the drums and guitar, and the powerful vocals really contrast the soothing vibe of the lyrics. I like to think that it’s a symbol of the strength it takes to move ahead in life with no expectations even while you’re struggling. The way this song came back to me when I felt low makes it so special to me – I really dream of seeing The Poles performing it live, though I think it would make me tear up a lot!

These are a few songs that helped me through hard and stressful times – I really enjoyed compiling this playlist and listening to it be exactly what I needed when I was struggling. I hope it can be some comfort to you too – thank god we always have music no matter how hard life gets!

Here’s the whole playlist if you would like to listen to it, I will keep updating it:

Spotify

YouTube Music

(P.S.: I will try and write more posts in the coming months – I have quite a few ideas, and now that my brain is working again I think I’ll be able to execute them too!! Please look forward to them!)

References for translated lyrics (if it’s not linked, I translated it myself!):

What If

everythingoes

New Youth

The Same

#writing #music #adagio apassionato #the poles #bts #rm #j-hope #conan gray #se so neon #playlist focus

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